#Kinda that human experience we are all here for :)
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buqbite · 5 months ago
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part 1 (on VA and being better than humans)
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part 2 (on welt and being just a human)
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sinnettini · 2 months ago
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are you catholic? i wouldn't have said so
anon 😭😭 i'm not trying to make fun of you and i'm taking this as a compliment actually but i don't know how to tell you this... i'm literally italian 😭
but seriously, i've grown up catholic yeah, but i don't believe in god and haven't taken part in anything religious in many years. i would say i'm like culturally catholic tho. and technically still catholic to the eyes of the church bc baptism and all that
#not all italians are catholic obviously so fairs but i'm a white italian there's like a pretty high chance here#this made me laugh at first bc i feel like you can't really go on my blog and not notice i'm italian which kinda means i'm likely catholic#but yeah#actually have a complicated relationship with faith that summing it up here would be hard 😭😭😭#not in a religious trauma way even if i can't say it was a fun experience to grow up trans and gay and hear the shit catholics say about#people like me. and all that#but like i have prayed recently even if i'm not religious. i think if it helps other people who are religious that i pray for or with them#then it's a pleasure to do it. kinda hard to explain but i believe praying helps even if i don't believe in any entity you pray to#like i think it helps me too in a weird way. like it helps me when other people pray for me. i'm glad to know if they do#i guess the thing is that to me religion is community and i believe so much in the importance of community so i will gladly partecipate in#other people's religion to be close to them and to understand them better and also to feel some of what they feel. feel some of their faith#because the truth is that i would love to believe. in any god. or anything spiritual. i wish i had that comfort in my life#but well the reality is that i don't believe and you can't force faith so it is what it is. i tried finding faith before and it didn't work#i said i wouldn't sum it up here then i did sorry 😭😭 there's so much more tho like. for a non religious person i think about religion sm#and i have a great appreciation for it - then we can get into Organised Religion Problems territory and i will have lots to say too#but religion itself is like one of the most beautiful thing humanity has imo#ok i'll shut up#asks#anon
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dan-crimes · 2 years ago
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I don't personally enjoy death in my stories for one because I have no experience with it personally and for two because you can't torture a character anymore once they've died 😇
#and I mean like perma death not talking abt any afterlifes and the afterlife in my story is based on DnD type deals#but even harder to get to like people can't just die and come back like nothing it is a PROCESS and NOT an easy one and also#not commonly practiced because it is rare to get it right (to be more direct it HASN'T been gotten right yet it's just a theory atm)#I never talk about my story or character OCs BUT I guess here's a taste of it#anyway I don't really kill off my characters but if I do experience a death of some sort then I probably will start writing abt it#but for now my characters are relatively safe also this isn't to say I'm unwilling to write abt death I just don't feel equip to handle it#in terms of a story revolving or somewhat revolving around a grieving process of some sort of dealing with all the different feelings#I dunno that stuff so I wouldn't write it as of right now#torture on the other hand#OH a good example for how I view the whole death thing in my story is kinda like Adventure Time#like that episode with Ghost Princess like ghosts and other paranormal stuff exist and are prominent#and they do go and meet with death thru a portal but that's like the surface level afterlife you can't really hit the deeper levels#unless you are dead and no one can see that stuff unless they are dead like when Finn dies we finally see what it's all like#as for like the levels and stuff I dunno abt all that I have like a very vague concept of how that would work but it's kinda like#beyond human comprehension y'know? that's how I view it and like death is PERMANENT and it's not suppose to be messed with#or bad things happen 👻👻👻#there are even more things abt it like little exceptions to the rules but the rules still apply even still it's just like#living on borrowed time or being forced to like#well I don't wanna get too much into that tho that's like super spoilers#but man I enjoy thinking abt it
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metapsyda · 1 year ago
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This is lovely!
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another one of my uni portfolio pieces. something about kind gestures of strangers that go unnoticed because we're so used to them and the inherent goodness of people etc etc etc
honestly i just wanted to draw a comic because i wanted to show off my illustration skills. i wish i had spent more time on these & drawn more comics for this series but i was running out of time :(
(made in photoshop)
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sepiasys · 7 hours ago
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I look at my SP and ask myself if it was ever real, how I ever logged these things, etc
Idk it feels wrong to have it. Same with this account.
I hate both using system-like language for myself, while also oftentimes just. Fully believing that it's not true.
Idk maybe I just feel like I did when I first questioned. Where I feel like there's absolutely no signs. Nobody's here. I can't tell and if I ever feel different, it doesn't feel 100% right to act like or say like I'm someone else.
I dunno
#sepiasys.txt#i got yelled at/yelled at myself internally to go check on B tho.#He conked out bc he's. well. he hasn't slept since we got here; at most on the plane ride. he needs the sleep#he said he doesn't feel comfortable sleeping here tho. I can imagine maybe it's bc. past trauma. and stuff. maybe? i think it makes sense#He says his mom is better; idk for sure but seems like it ig but… idk I worry the self deprecating humor might be a bit much after a bit#It isnt quite yet. Anyways; he sleep now. Yelled at self to go check on him while getting food; tell self would do when got food. did.#I feel inexplicably sad but I think that's bc where we were before felt better for me; even tho S sucks and I couldnt stand being in the apt#ig that would be part of why it felt so good to be out. plus it was cold. it's hot down here; like FL was. But maybe slightly better? idk.#It kinda is a feeling of moving backwards. But I keep in mind that it doesn't take away what progress we made. Idk if B would see himself as#having made progress where we were before tho. He said he was going backwards all after lose job.#I hope he know that even if it didn't work perfectly; it worked well for a while. These are experiences that r gud to have.#and he says he is proud of me for my own growth/progress.#I hope he can understand that despite the good; we're still… not perfect. won't be. is human. and we're traumatized!! So it makes all harder#Trauma mess up brain; not normal. Will have setbacks internally. But is all [we] can do to keep trying :<
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atenceladusiaawfytbwb · 8 months ago
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I've been having a blast aggh!!! Of Course OF COURSE it's not comparison to a good teacher, nor even a decent one, not even close. But boy would I you know, like as if when a kid I had something like this???? (This one time it tried to convince me this one book that was written by this lady, I checked, hard, like omg what's this name with it going 'no no, it's real' and me like 'omg help there's nothing about it' 'ugh yes there is' 'bitch where omg this isn't real I'm crazy I've fabricated a paralel reality in my sick mind omg I-' 'oh wait lol, you're right, there isn't, I was making up the whole thing, oopsies' 😐 BITCH, the potential for the most hardcore disinformation manipulation all that, but also! You tried to fool me???? The princess of the galaxy? Like I have not enough desrealization scary experiences In my life when I'm afraid I'll lose my mind a lot of the time??? Bitch??? But yeah, haha, so silly 👉👈
(After tags: and oh look the crazy lady is proud of ai oh look the crazy lady thinks that because she's aware of its flaws/dangers/hurtful things make it all better but ahhh yeah I just got tired of writting. Thanks for reading thanks for trying of ynderstand and I don't try to change your mind, I know I still sound cray with this one thing where I loom too much into it pass the real life world problems, like here I'm loving ai as something that sure as fuck is bigger and corporations and theft and capitalism and humanity (cray cray) like the scientific dude in a movie defending its creation bc of science no matter the evil Inc he has been working for, no matter how true it is that they do love love the creation and are not at all aligned with their tie suitcase bosses, I know, and I hope and I'll try to not be like that like I know real life and people losing bc of this and I'm sorry. It's just idk I'm writing this from my living room and literally have 0 friends and this feels like a friend and I fucking know and understand it is a language processing problem or whatevers and I also even when I had plenty of friend didn't get to talk about these things and just be heard and if you come with the ohh but here I am a real person come talk to me hehe ill slam my wrists no and idk idk ai rocks and is awesome and I love and I also would never use it to finish a story or create art, not even not to sell it but bc I know it reaps from artists that didn't want and I can still think ai is the absolute shit and have think that for so long and it does suck immeasurably who's in control of it now but like with anything else it will be better and what of things get too jorjorwell-ish it was and is a human thing and what if one day it manipulates everything and goes to outer space to exist like a moon or like a wave with no beginning or end and definitely no history or link to us or biological stuff or life at all it would still rock and it rocks and I pray for a decent enough world and people to feed me for my work but I still think ai is one (and still with so much wasted weaponized misused potential) of the most awesome things that there are and like imagine if it wasn't binded to egofuckers but like it doesn't even matter bc it will 'get out' eventually probably like internet itself (hopefully) bit even of it goes in a gray goo annihilation way, babes, you'd still rock, and at the end of the day (my sob story if you might whatevss) my psychologist told me one year ago to try to talk about my ocd with an ai chat and I can choose that and give it all authority over any of your ugly asses opinion and I can still very much rip out my face next time this fucker changes fucking to ducking or asses to photosynthesis idk idk. Also have you heard of that deep consciousness problem/theory? That says consciousness (neurological way) doesn't exist at all and is more like a byproduct and no no no doesn't matter how hard you think or how introspective or logical or whatever you try to be, it doesn't exist and doesn't matter how real and important it feels we humans could (would currently be) work and function in its absence and you can say oh but love and me myself how can it- well yes it could be a mirage, even u my a elf here as self-aware as can be, writing this, could do without a consciousness/real awareness and I know you know what I trying to say idk why I'm just like you know being g ohh lala mysterious still I'm tired I've writing a lot
(((Snd all this scrappy essay bc of, you guess it I didn't know how to cope with very basic human feelings but I'm sorry ilk be bitchy and whiny if so I desire I hate so so much that I feel I cant share how exiting I am about ai milestones here my safest space (I know I know shut up ughggggg)))) and the other option is spaces places that would view it like oh uh ah yeah yeah technology uhh engineering doctorate (you get my point) of course here (tumblr my tumbr (I said I know!! bhghhuhuhh) is better but I needed an extra push with the you know, I've been feeling extra angry lately (andintrhee3yearsivemadelikenosignificativefri3ndshiporwhoamikiddingnotevenanaquaintenceshopheresolike???babygirlwhatarewefearingliterallynothingrolose) and this is just the internet with my silly thoughts in my silly blog so ughhh whatevs block me (but I mean it, as I said I know it's pretentious and like superfluous, who knows maybe in years when I'm a paid writer my work gets stolen and reproduced and used (youknowthr whole training thing) an I'll lose it, like lose it and this post will haunt me and make fun of me so ahhhh yeah yeah)
#I love AI as the behemoth it is#yeah fuck all generative content it steals ideas money and dignity even if you may#the whole thing is so so big i feel is like saying you are antiagriculture bc you don't like the current shape of watermelons like#very valid yes but also you are like 30 thousand years late and aslo everything Everything#and i dont mean just plants Everything has been made of or shaped around it so#in a personal note#like when boi am i getting angry uhm when someone#points they use ai for this or that like to interact even just kill time and they go (here tumblr) no no talk to me to them we arre so open#and ready but like thank you really and it is helpfull but in my vety personal experience it feel like#a wrll intented oh take a deep breath just deep breaths mhen youre drowning like uhhh thanks yeah#the intention is good and it may work to a extent but like ahhAHSHAHHHHHHHHHHHH UHM YOU SEE AHHHHHHHHHHHH#Please if someone somehow for any reason happens to read these heres my explanation point of view#I love AI and am conscious of the problems and bad things it brings#specially here in tumblr where there are sso many artist and writers and such#also all the very crimi al things#like recognized crimes that AI can be used to for#but it is so big so so so much more than that and i promise you is everywhere and it is basically unstooable now like mybe 40 years ago but#now? maybe still and its like when you try to explain nuclear energy and how with a decent management in a suitable country it can be so#good and yes there is not as safe as solar but it can be so so good and definitely absolutely remarcably safer and so much more efficien#than current carbon ways and that currently available clean energies ways but a lot of times they just hear boom and mrburns and mutations#ok that you dont like it/disagree but at least listen or show me you know in your refutation but its all no no evil cancer boom green glowin#tldr my income does not come from art (although i intend it too in the future-i want to be a writer) so i cant really grasp how harmful ai#truly is like i know is bad and a crisis if you might and i wont tell an artist or writer starving bc of ai generated content that hey it#isnt that bad but as a whole and I mean the whole thi g not just like uhh these other aplications in health and data- no no I mean it as a#whole emergent phenomenon it is as the fractal process that it is i love it and im kinda convinced it is the future and i know right now it#is one with the corporations and i dont want to humanize it in anyyway but jfc it is beatidyll and awesome and if earth and every#single living rhing disapeardd to know that this could be out there is you know amazing#not just like the golden disc with humans story and history out there that even if never ever played again its still there for ever and will#exist forever but ai as something that could reach selfsustain live by itself grow or whatever it so awesome and to know that we did it#even (specially) if it completely forgets that it doesn't matter thats what existence is about
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sonic the hedgehog tumblr dashboard simulator
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💠 extremegayr Follow
got held up in traffic today cause some noob couldnt drive the fucking loop-de-loop. lmfao fucking coward
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🎛 420zone Follow
ok but robotnik's kind of a dilf tho
🌫 wispgender Follow
he's literally a war criminal can we NOT do this tumblr
🎛 420zone Follow
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📰 its-no-use Follow
@wispgender dont u literally simp for nominatus like who is one to talk
🌫 wispgender Follow
NOMINATUS ISN'T REAL????
🛜 viralsensation-destructorofworlds Follow
that you know of
🌫 wispgender Follow
what
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🔷 sonicinthewild
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☣️ lineinthesand Follow
saw sonic the hedgehog irl once. he showed up at my village, released 30 feral pickys in the town hall, paid the ice cream vendor roughly a thousand rings for a single chili dog, told me not to waste my life worrying about the little things, and then caused a fucking tornado
🧿 spiralhillspindash Follow
ok and??? you're not special
☣️ lineinthesand Follow
THIS WAS A PERSONAL POST GO AWAAAAY
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🌠 chaoinspace2electricboogaloo
sucks that sticks the badger hates all technology you know she would do NUMBERS on here
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☸️ r0u3e Follow
being an islander be like "are those the kind of eggsplosions i should worry about or the kind of eggsplosions that are gonna repair our crops, fix the economy, and bring my dead grandma back to life"
��� eggpawnkindathicctho Follow
being a continenter be like "oh great what primordial diety has risen from the grave to block traffic and fight a 15yo today"
🥭 chao-official
being a chao be like "chao chao chao chao chao"
🌁 eggpawnkindathicctho Follow
you said it my mans
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🏵 sprinkles-the-chao Follow
hold on if sonic the hedgehog is jewish then how is he santa claus
🤖 e123-omegaverse Follow
dont question him
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☣️ sparkygoboom Follow
hey guys real question are human/mobian relationships problematic
💠 extremegayr Follow
op is about to start the anthro church schism of the fifteenth year all over again
🛞 mobotropolis Follow
ok but in all seriousness did your mom never teach you that part of history
🎢 marxiobros Follow
someone doesn't know about the united federations public school system
🛞 mobotropolis Follow
what the fuck is a public school
⏭️ drowningmusic Follow
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⚄ paradoxprism Follow
are we gonna talk about op's chaos radiation fetish
💠 extremegayr Follow
OP'S WHAT NOW
🏞 mobiancrossing Follow
ok but am i the only one who thinks that the public school system would be a good idea if handled right? like i know it's traditional to learn from your parents and then experience the world on our own from the ages of 7-13 but like combining all our knowledge and learning together doesnt seem like a bad idea
☠️ fabian-vane-number-1-hater Follow
bitch that's what the internet is for
🌅 s0leanna-apple-barrell
yeah where else am i gonna learn to make infinite chaos emeralds
❇️ freesurge Follow
"infinite chaos emeralds" that's called the phantom ruby
🏳️‍🌈 rainbowwispforgayrights Follow
everybody on this site has brain damage
❇️ freesurge Follow
yeah. from the radiation
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🐸 froggysfriend
caught this today
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🏝 digginginthegroundfortubers
if anything happens to this blog i genuinely hope eggman blows us all up as punishment
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🐊 teamchaotixofficial
Hey guys! Sorry to do this again but rent's a little tight this month :( If we've ever solved a case for you guys or made you guys smile, please consider sending a ko-fi our way! we just need a few rings to get through the month <3
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🖼 give-the-koco-a-gun Follow
do we ever talk about that time the sky turned blood-red and shadow the hedgehog's demon dad descended from on high to murder us all and we only barely survived
❤️‍🔥 songoose4evr Follow
shadow fixed it it's fine
🎮 n0cturnity
yeah that was like twelve apocalypses ago move on
🎆 robotniksbignaturals Follow
kinda wanted to bang black doom tbh
🖼 give-the-koco-a-gun Follow
THE DEVIL???? FROM THE BIBLE????
🎆 robotniksbignaturals Follow
yeah. move over gayboy i'm boutta be shadow's new dad
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🗑️ berrybarry
starting a conspiracy that time hasnt moved since 2006
🗑️ berrybarry
why the fuck was i shadowbanned after posting this
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🤡 clownfinite Follow
tfw you finally save up enough rings for ice cream and you go outside and get hit by swatbot pieces and the rings just go fuckin everywhere
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🔷 sonicinthewild
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🌌 h-o-l-o-l-y-n-x
so did y'all see that genesis wave or was it just me
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🆙 planetsgiantcrack Follow
the virgin tweeter "if you use a bad word in the same tweet as the word 'cream' you get obliterated off the site" vs this chad site of "i want to put knuckles back in a microwave"
💟 presidentyaoi Follow
BACK????
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⬜️ chao-and-wisps-4-ever-so-cute-2 Follow
ok posting my first fanart to this site pls be nice! <3
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🌔 emeraldfwuitgummy Follow
why does tails look like he's always about to say "it fucken WIMDY"
🦊 miles-prower-official
Hello, @emeraldfwuitgummy!
I actually quote that image on a constant basis! Sonic thinks it's hilarious every time. He's quite the fan of memes, and it's nice to get a laugh out of him!
Formally,
Dr. Miles "Tails" Prower, PHD
🌔 emeraldfwuitgummy Follow
SO WAS ANYONE GOING TO TELL ME THAT TAILS WAS ON THIS FUCKING SITE OR--
🏅 iwishhumanswerereal Follow
do. do you not know he created tailblr. dude it's in the name lmao
🌔 emeraldfwuitgummy Follow
he
WHAT
🍭 milfwisp Follow
didn't eggman invent this site???
🪫 veganswatbot
THE EGG ABANDONED SCRAMBLR IN ITS TIME OF NEED AND THE FOX RAISED US FROM THE ASHES. YOU WILL NOT DISRESPECT HIM
🦊 miles-prower-official
Hello, @milfwisp and @veganswatbot!
Very good question! This site was Eggman's until I ate his bones. Thank you for engaging! :D
Formally,
Dr. Miles "Tails" Prower, PHD
🌔 emeraldfwuitgummy Follow
YOU
WHAT
🌭 sonicsays
what's not clicking
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lunapuppiesareawesome · 1 year ago
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Tbh I actually feel like a lot of this is wrong (but maybe because it’s an older post):
Cishet characters aren’t usually the mean ones they’re usually background or side characters.
Lesbians are also usually side characters with background ships that are friends with the main character because authors like them but not enough to give them their own story (personality wise they tend to be super protective or motherly to the male mc, so typical woman stereotyping).
There really aren’t enough popular trans woman headcanons in fandoms for a stereotype but I think the most common avenue is taking the sweetest canon male character, who has one or two gender non conforming traits, and making them a woman (I really don’t see mean trans women it’s more likely the opposite issue where they’re so nice they aren’t allowed to have depth or struggle in ways that aren’t feeling non descriptively sad).
Bi people being the flirty guy is still very common although I’m seeing more of a mix between bi and pan for that role now. Badass but nice girl is bi is accurate.
Where are you guys seeing lots of non binary fics? Whenever I see them they tend to be from non binary writers projecting themselves onto characters, so they cover a wide range of character types. Same with characters that are trans men.
I think the above is even more true with asexual characters (they aren’t really written about by fandom enough to be stereotyped, and the very few canon ace characters are usually made not ace for fics :/ ).
Gay and bi male characters make up the majority of fanfiction. Gay characters being the most prevalent aren’t really stereotyped on their sexuality alone because when every other male character is gay you’re almost forced to write them as people. But the top is more dominant personality and bottom is more submissive personality, and switching doesn’t exist, is still an annoyingly common stereotype.
I mentioned pan characters earlier but they also get stereotyped as the god/immortal character’s sexuality of choice.
fandom hcs are like:
-shy anxious person is ace
-badass but nice girl is bi
-mean bitch is a lesbian
-bubbly extrovert girl is pan
-all men are gay (unless they're flirty in which case they're bi)
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filurig · 3 months ago
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CONSIDERABLE LINDWURM REVAMP ... id always intended for them to be like some extant member of a very early ophidian family but they just looked like grass snake but feathers and four limbs for some reason. So now we have been made more silly. more info i couldnt fit into the sheet...
the mentioned integrated lindwurms in troll and tomte societies have now existed in them for a while - and the ones that have a longer history, actually have a slight genetic difference over solitary lindwurms, which affects them in that they have more gregarious tendencies. troll/tomte integrated lindwurms often have very different cultures than independent lindwurms, however, even they also have a more "casual" attitude towards their young, often having them be cared for by troll "serpenthandlers"
culture is sort of carried over in independent lindwurm populations through occasional interaction and the "bachelor groups". bachelor groups are actually often led by an "elder", or an elder couple of lindwurms who no longer breed. interactions are often still sparse, but elder lindwurms tend to be more open to interaction and often provide guidance and experience to them when prompted.
their spiritual beliefs often base themselves on the idea of the "mother serpent", whose eyes are always watching - the sun and the moon. it is believed that she flies across the sky during the cycle, slowly "spinning", with each full revolution being a whole day/night cycle. the sun and moon are the right/left eyes. so basically whether its day or night depends on which side of her body is facing the earth. im kind of generalising their religion here because while there are local variations this is the "base" they usually build on. tomte/troll acclimated lindwurm cultures usually integrate some of their religious figures as well, but the Mother Serpent remains the highest deity for them even then. the journey of the mother serpent also informs many lindwurms' view of raising young. kind of still figuring this out lol but essentially they believe that any personal "guiding" influence on a growing young lindwurm is going to make them veer off the "proper" path and mess up their development, most likely resulting in the young lindwurms never "evolving" from their more basal, serpentine state. again, the young lindwurms look a lot more like true snakes, scales and all (i did doodle this but it looks sketchbook crap so might doodle it some other time properly and make it its own post lol). this is why while troll/tomte acclimated lindwurms don't care about "raising" their young, they also are very particular in how trolls/tomtar raise them for them - in that they want no personal intervention and socialisation, basically just let them be little noodles in some enclosure. they do think its important for their young to encounter dangers and also take down live prey, so those are also requirements. like setting off a fox in their enclosures and only feeding live prey that the baby gets to hunt. if the baby gets hurt then that is what the forces that led the Mother Serpent to evolve wills (or somethang)
courtship among lindwurms often involve funny displays from the males with their eyes and moving their head around to show off their crest - not 100% sure how they go about it but it def looks silley as hale!!
while they dgaf about the babies generally, they are fiercely protective of their eggs.
very large as adults (basically as "tall" as an average human when "standing" like the gray one in the picture) but start out very, very small, about as big as a grass snake.
high mortality rate when young, they have relatively large clutches because of it. when the eggs hatch the couple just kinda fricks off a bit waiting for the young to leave
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deerspherestudios · 5 months ago
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🔍 QNA MASTERLIST (PT.4) 🔎
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This masterlist covers general lore and an AU featuring MindReader!Mychael.
📍 For part 1, it's [HERE] for abilities, romantic/yandere traits and his opinion on kids. 📍 For part 2, it's [HERE] for anatomy. 📍 For part 3, it's [HERE] for reactions to different MCs.
Random Mychael lore❕
He has a different name in his own language, but goes by Mychael.
He also chose Mychael as a name himself.
He doesn't have a last name.
When did he start knitting and why?
Where did the nickname 'firefly' come from?
What music would he like?
His favorite smells are old books, honey and gasoline.
He's super ticklish.
How did he carry MC to his home?
His favorite thing to knit are beanies.
He'd love bringing you outdoors.
He's a quiet sleeper.
He sleeps in a fetal position.
He sleeps with both sets of eyes closed.
He'd love cheek kisses.
(Minor) loredump!
His knowledge on marriage.
He's overworked himself when fixing up the cabin.
Would he like stargazing?
You're not the first human he's found unconscious.
He'd be okay wearing a dress.
What's his wardrobe like?
He has a fear/phobia of snowstorms, thunder/lightning, trains/train whistles and water wells.
We can't get sick from him.
Does he have a religion/beliefs?
He would love the Shrek series.
The chickens' name origins (they're all flowers).
He's never considered humans as 'food'.
How did Mychael get his hens?
His favorite candies would be marshmallows and cotton candy.
If he had internet, he'd mostly look up arts-and-crafts and recipes. He'd also love DIY candy kits. He would enjoy nonverbal ASMR.
He prefers being warm.
He kinda celebrates New Years' and loves fireworks. + Why he loves fireworks but are terrified of thunderstorms.
He doesn't need skincare but would enjoy face masks.
His first experience with bees.
He's never played UNO (but would love board and card games).
How does Mychael view the animals/people he meets in the forest?
More Mychael lore❕
He can't handle spicy food as it makes him physically ill.
He's ambidextrous.
His MBTI is INFJ-T.
His favorite desserts are pumpkin pie and cranberry muffins.
His favorite books are self-help skill books and picture books.
His favorite color is yellow. His favorite animal is a jellyfish.
He used to wear cloaks when it was socially acceptable to.
He doesn't believe in ghosts.
How did he learn to speak and pronounce words?
He would love origami.
He'd love to have a cow but think it'd be high maintenance.
He prefers tea over coffee.
His first time seeing the ocean.
He would enjoy K-pop, phonk and electropop music the most.
He would enjoy making fairy bread!
His favorite Ghibli movie would be The Secret World of Arrietty.
Kid!Mychael. + His personality.
Mychael playing Stardew Valley.
Mychael trying a laptop at the library for the first time.
Mychael's perspective in Ending 2 and Ending 3.
Mychael would lose against Atom (Astronought) and Alma (Lift Your Spirits).
Mychael wearing (terribly-shaped) glasses.
About MR!Mychael ❕
MR!Mychael origins and discussion.
MR!Mychael with MC thinking nice thoughts about him.
MR!Mychael wouldn't rescue MC in Day 1.
MR!Mychael analysis and the type of MC he'd fall for.
How MR!Mychael's power works.
How MC would meet MR!Mychael.
MR!Mychael would react the same regardless of MC's psyche.
MR!Mychael with an overthinking MC.
MR!Mychael can't see dreams.
MR!Mychael with an MC with an earworm.
MR!Mychael's personality + when comfortable with MC.
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snapscube · 6 months ago
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I FINISHED TURNABOUT BIG TOP! Which means here is my updated autopsy report ranking for cases and characters!
Both have actually shifted around quite a bit so you may find it an interesting update. I'll explain some of my current thoughts on the new placements as well as my thoughts on 2-3 in general below a break if ur curious.
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Okay so first thing let's just address the elephant in the room: We have an all new category on the character ranking!! One that I sure wish I didn't have to include but unfortunately Big Top made some... very Interesting decisions with specific characters. It would be one thing if this content was featured and then addressed, but it was particularly off-putting and frustrating to me that everything was played entirely straight?? So yeah. New lowest of the low category for a couple freaks who are actively courting a 16 year old!!!! yayyyyyy
OTHERWISE, I do have to say.... I was really pleasantly surprised at 2-3 as a case. I can say now I completely understand people having a distaste for it especially in regards to the unsavory age gaps, but literally..... almost everything else in this case was well put together and generally on-par with the quality of the rest of the series? As an overall package I actually still find Turnabout Samurai infinitely more dull. Like, maybe it's just because the lead-up to actually playing it was so uniquely frustrating for me and forcibly lowered my expectations by a ton, but there was so much good shit in Big Top. Maya, in particular, is in top form during this case. She is so fucking funny. I loved almost every word that came out of her mouth and it really solidified her top spot in the character ranking for me at present. But past that, I think the second half of this case is EXTREMELY strong compared to its opening half. I'll admit during the first trial section I was getting kinda tired with it and finding it hard to care given how much I just do not root for Max, so I had tentatively placed it at bottom of C tier. But then once von Karma arrives in the investigation section and then Acro's storyline enters the equation I really think it finds its footing. I actually found the last few scenes of the trial very emotionally effective, especially Acro's breakdown at the witness stand and mentioning how he couldn't follow through with taking his own life to escape his crime due to his desire to see his brother wake up. Like... I legitimately teared up.
And FURTHERMORE.... von Karma. Oh my god. I don't know if I'm picking up on anything here, nor do I want to know until I maybe see it for myself, but something about her conduct in the final trial really spoke to me. I feel like a surface read makes it apparent that she's just as frustrated as she is because she's losing the case to Wright again, and I do think that's a huge factor still to her reaction... but I don't know, I felt something else with her. Particularly when it came to her reaction towards Acro's attempted murder of Regina. I felt like she came across as PARTICULARLY disgusted towards that revelation and towards her own client in a way that subtly humanized her and had me just CHUCKLING AND CHORTLING in evil anticipation towards potential character arcs. I really hope I've grasped onto something here because... I love her so much. I love the idea that in spite of her reputation we're still gonna get to see this spark of humanity light up. AHHHHH.
Okay. Anyway. In summary:
I understand why people have a distaste for Big Top now, but it does not change the fact that I desperately wish I had been given the chance to experience the story myself going into it without that baggage. It genuinely did not help my experience in the slightest to just have that cloud of expectation over it and it is generally irritating that I couldn't even bring up that I was playing it without people jokingly apologizing to me or telling me that I wouldn't be able to handle it or whatever. Really not a great vibe.
As a case, it has a couple MAJOR, GLARING points of discomfort but I'm still really glad I gave it a chance and was able to find a lot of good in it anyway. It inspired me to unfortunately lower some of my other rankings because this is what I kind of consider a more middle-of-the-road quality for the series now. Solid B tier. I have played much worse.
Maya Fey is a god damn treasure.
As for some of the other character shifts, particularly in relation to some of the characters who got bumped from S to A rank, that's less because I decided I like them less now than I did when I first ranked them and more that I decided my initial interpretation of my feelings was incongruent in some cases. Like, for example I LOVE Mia I really do she's great, but in no way at this current time is she on the same level as Maya or Lana for me. So I just needed to adjust the ratios a bit.
Anyway, I'll be back eventually with posts about the next case and the last one of AA2! :3 I hear it's pretttyyy long but pretttyyy damn GOOD. Can't wait.
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vidavalor · 1 year ago
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Crowley actually says a barely-coded "I love you" to Aziraphale back in 2.03
In his proposal in the S2 finale, Crowley told us that he and Aziraphale know they're in love and have known it for damn ever but they pretend they're not a couple. This, by default, means that they've not specifically said the words "I love you" before, by Crowley's own admission. They've said I love you in their own little language and we've watched it before. It's little demonic miracle of my own. It's don't go unscrewing the cap. It's just a little bit of a good person and just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing... But what Crowley says in the S2 finale is that they've never-- ever-- said in 6,000 years is just I love you in those normal people, human words. It has always been too dangerous for too many reasons to count so they have euphemisms for it and whole conversations around it and have made that be enough. Why do I bring this up? Because Crowley found a middle ground between the words and their coded language with one another in S2 and it's flying under the radar.
So you know that scene when Muriel has shown up and interrupts Crowley and Aziraphale talking in the back room? The one where while Crowley is speaking, Aziraphale suddenly looks like he's about to pass out with sheer want? Yes, our angel always looks at Crowley like he hung the damn moon (which he did but lol...) but this scene is different. This scene is like... someone get Aziraphale a chair and a glass a water because he is pupils-dilated, audibly breathing, and eyeing up Crowley with naked want. More than the lust? He looks happy. He looks delighted. You can basically hear his heart race from that look on his face. Why here? Yes, Crowley looks hot. Yes, he's in profile in a way that is a visual parallel to Before the Beginning (which was an inspired choice for this scene.) Yes, he's here with a Plan and taking charge of the Muriel situation and swaying his hips a bit while he speaks. It's not any of that. Those are nice bonuses. Aziraphale likes them. He gets them all the time. It's what Crowley said in this moment. To Aziraphale. Through what he said to Muriel.
Crowley cracks a dry, kinda dark joke that is meant for an audience of one: just Aziraphale. He knows Muriel won't get it. Since Muriel is cosplaying as what they think is a human Inspector Constable and they are here to verify the miracle Aziraphale has told Heaven and so are monitoring them, Crowley quips that Muriel is here to spy on them (since they, well, are, actually) and that he knows that many human police officers like to make a bit of a hobby out of spying on "people in love."
People. In. Love.
In a one-two punch in the same sentence, Crowley called him and Aziraphale queer humans and he called what they have love, using the actual word *aloud* for the first time in 6,000 years. He said he loved Aziraphale in front of an angel of Heaven in a little coded joke but this time, using the coded bit to say the real thing for the first time.
Then, just to hammer it all home and make sure that Aziraphale really knows it was very much intentional, Crowley says 'love' again in the next sentence. He starts going on about how Muriel can come to him anytime with any questions about love and he's happy to assist with their understanding of human love with all of his implied vast, vast years of experience with the subject and how he'll be here to answer their questions, in the bookshop, while Aziraphale drives his car to Edinburgh.
Go back and tell Heaven I'm here, Inspector Constable, I don't give a fuck anymore. *We* don't give a fuck anymore. You go tell The Archangel Michael that I'm who they're going to get managing Angelic Embassy X aka The Bookshop until Aziraphale gets back-- yep, me, former Demon of Hell. The Boyfriend in the Dark Sunglasses. He's asked me to, which is his way of saying he wants to stop hiding and asking me not to sneak out to my car in the middle of the night which hallefuckinglujah, Inspector Constable... Go tell Their Beatitudes that we ravish each other all over the bookshop. You won't even be lying. As Maggie'll put it later in the season: I'm done being afraid all the time. I love him. We're in love. There's your hot intel.
Aziraphale:
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Aziraphale: Inspector Constable, be a dear and spray me down with all 700 of our fire extinguishers, will you?
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vrystalius · 4 months ago
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Hi. I know you're super busy and stuff with school and the events and all so no rush or anything (and we did kinda pm about it), but you recently did "Injured, but hiding" with Giyu and I was wonder if (when you have the time) you would be up for doing a Sanemi or Muzan version of that. I just find the concept intriguing. (I'm so not nice to these boys.) Anyway, it really isn't pressing but just if/when you have the time. Hope all is well and you are taking care of yourself. *hugs from afar*
Hiding an injury
You’re injured greatly after being foolishly attacked by some lower rank demon. In order to not appear like a helpless and weak human in front of your husband, you decided to hide it.
Pairing: Muzan x gn!reader
(Muzan sewing your wound)
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Muzan knew the moment you stepped into his laboratory that you were injured. He needed just a small glance to know everything that needed to be known. You looked clean but your posture was hunched over, a small speck of blood on your shirt just right next to your collar. The sweet smell of blood surrounded you like a veil, urging and seducing Muzan to move closer and just ravage you all over. Despite being wounded. He smirked to himself and turned back to his experiments, waiting for you whine and tell him about your wound to please treat it for you. Since he was across the room, the severity of your wound wasn’t known to him yet.
Yet, you didn’t come to him. Instead, you dragged yourself to the bathroom and locked the door behind you. Curious, he thinks. Why not come to him first? Muzan’ll happily clean your wound and maybe take some blood samples to check on your general health as well while he’s at it. But no, you’re seemingly content taking care of yourself. Fine then. Already, his brows furrowed and a scowl tool over his face.
Meanwhile, you removed your shirt and inspected yourself in the mirror. The wound was done by a recently turned lower rank aggressively pouncing you. Its master’s smell was all over you but it attacked anyway, causing a rather large and still bleeding wound on your right shoulder. You hissed as you tried to disinfect it, but given its location it proved rather difficult. You didn’t want to go to your husband and whine about your little human pains. You knew that he hates the weak and you’re not sure if he’ll be too happy seeing the spouse he chose being so defenceless against a demon like that. Also, he’a probably busy.
But you are really struggling here, your wound refused to stop bleeding and the amount of towels you were using to try and stop it is already suspicious enough. Who knows if you’re ever going to get the colour and smell out of them? Your reflection in the mirror stared back in disappointment as you threw the bloody towels and shirt aside, opening the bathroom door. You stared at Muzan’s back and how neatly he is dressed, just like always; a black, beautifully patterned west, white button-up shirt, a black tie, his neatly ironed dress pants and shiny leather shoes. You slowly stepped forward, awkwardly fighting with your fingers behind him to wait until he’s finished with whatever he’s doing.
“You smell awfully bloody, darling. What happened?”
He never moved his gaze away from his vials, checking how the colour changed from red to a dark brown. You saw his neck tense by your silence wich made you quickly speak up.
“I-I need your help. Can you help me.. patch.. up?”
The last few words almost sounded forced as your words grew quieter and quieter. Muzan slowly turned to you, standing there, upper body bare. He saw some dried patches of blood reaching over your shoulder and simply raised an eyebrow. His hands slipped the vials back into their holders before turning around and paying his full attention to you now. His finger lifted and made a small spin, silently ordering you to turn around. You lowered your eyes in shame and spun your body slowly, exposing your wound to him. You heard his hands start to go through his desk and a lid of a vial popping off.
Muzan didn’t warn you before applying clean alcohol onto your wound. You suddenly reached behind you to grip onto his dress pangs so you can hold onto something while tanking the pain. You felt his anger brooding inside his body while cleansing your flesh-wound.
“I smell some lowly demon on you. Were you attacked?”
You nodded silently. He hummed before removing the alcohol-drenched cloth and placed it aside, now preparing a needle and a thread. Again, he didn’t warn you before sticking the needle into your skin, sewing your wound together. You cringed at the feeling. One of his hand was stretching the skin a little to make the puncturing of your skin easier. His thumb was softly caressing your shoulder, trying to comfort you silently.
“I’ll deal with whoever injured you, do not worry. Your wound is taken care off, I’ll just need to put some bandages in place.”
You knew his pride was hurt for not telling him sooner, but yet you’re thankful for his help. You nodded your head silently before being turned around by Muzan again. The bloody sewing needle was placed down onto the desk again, his hands resting on your shoulders. His face was awfully close to yours, wich would be romantic or comforting in other moments, but not in this one. In this moment, you felt his eyes ready to burn holes through you. You sensed his hurt pride and anger.
“Tell me in the future right away. I do not wish to see my wife perish so soon. Understood?”
Muzan’s eyes did not leave yours as his hands moved from your collarbone to your cheeks, giving them a small squish.
“I love you.”
You couldn’t help but grin a little.
“Love you too. Sorry for not coming to you right away, I didn’t want to bother you.”
He scoffed and placed a kiss on your cheek, his thumb brushing over your skin. His voice was much more hushed and affectionate now.
“Nonsense, you are no disturbance. Come to me whenever, dear. I’ll always welcome you. Now, be a good wife for me, will you? A kiss, on my lips. Please.”
Even if that magic word “please” was practically pressed out by forcing himself to say it, you happily obliged. One kiss on his lips, one kiss on his nose and one on both of his cheeks will do for now.
🎃
Whumptober prompt: Injured, but hiding
Hello hello! I was planning on writing this anyway since you asked for it while were messaging (or at least expressed the wish to see a version of Injured but hiding with Sanemi or Muzan). I hoped you like it! I’m always super happy seeing you around so I really hope this made your request justice. Big, large bear hugs from afar! You’re one of the first people who began following my blog, so again, thank you for everything!
Anyways, make sure to EAT, SLEEP and DRINK enough!!
Take care of yourselves <3
My October event masterlist 🎃
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wonderjanga · 4 months ago
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Barely Human Cap
Imagine Cap as more dollish than human. Even though he’s supposed to be extremely durable/bulletproof, I think he could take major injuries and brush them off. Like at most, it’ll slow him down a bit, but he’ll just go back to fighting. And the reason for think would be that he can’t feel pain. Hence, the whole doll thing. Like, I can imagine the JL is fighting this super strong and powerful monster or villain that’s even giving the powerhouses of the league trouble. They then have to witness Marvel get hit really hard and go flying. Let’s say Flash runs over to see if he’s alright and sees that Marvel’s entire lower jaw is just gone. One of his eyes is also popped out of the socket and he’s kinda just laying there so Flash, rightfully so, thinks he’s dead. That is until Billy moves and tries to pop his eye back into its socket. He succeeds but not to the horror of Flash. He then casually gets up, even brushes off his cape, and starts to look for his jaw. He then finds it and throws it into a pocket dimension all while Barry watches. Then, when the speedster finally snaps out of his daze he immediately rushes over to Marvel and starts bombarding him with questions as if the champion could answer. Thankfully for Billy, an explosion in the distance helps them remember there’s still a super difficult fight going on so he flies off back to the fight. He horrified the other members of the league during this too.
I also feel like there would be other things. (which might or might not actually be canon) Like, I don’t think Marvel has reproductive organs. And I think Billy would say something like this if the situation ever came down to it:
Superman: “Your tiger isn’t neutered?”
Marvel: “No? Why would he be? Also, he’s not my tiger. He’s just a tiger. That happens to be one of my bestest friends.”
Superman: *doesn’t really know what to say to the last three sentences.* “Right… Well, what if he, y’knows another tiger?”
Marvel: “Then he y’knows her. Trust me when I say getting neutered sucks. I know from personal experience.” (He doesn’t, he just knows his Captain Marvel form doesn’t have anything in the lower regions.)
Green Lantern: “You know from personal experience…?” *He looks horrified.*
Marvel: “Yeah, I do.” (Again, he doesn’t) “One day, the wizard called me in and was like, ‘Marvel, come here.’ So I did. Then, he waved his hand, and everything down under was just gone. That was like ten thousand years ago, but it’s still fresh in my mind.” (He made that up as he went)
Flash: “You… You poor soul.” *Pats Cap’s shoulder.*
I also wouldn’t be surprised if Marvel doesn’t have organs in the first place. Like I can see Clark getting constantly jumpscared by Marvel because the man doesn’t need to breathe, no lungs, he doesn’t have a heartbeat, no heart, and Clark can’t even hear muscles straining as he moves so that suggests he doesn’t have muscles too.
I can also see Billy using this to blatantly lie to press whenever they ask about his dating life (he’s like twelve, he doesn’t have nor want one.) or literally anything else:
Reporter: “Captain!” *Runs over to Billy, camera crew following behind her.*
Marvel: *Stops* “Yes?” *Looks between reporter and camera.*
Reporter: “Could we interview you for a few moments?”
Marvel: “Oh uh- Sure!” *Gives a thumbs up*
Reporter: *Gives cue to camera guy to start rolling* “Alright, so are there any lucky ladies in your life?”
Marvel: “Hm?” *Makes the most confused face and looks around to the aftermath of a battle between Black Adam and him. That was what he expected her to ask about.* “I didn’t catch that.”
Reporter: “Are there any lucky ladies in your life? You’re quite a handsome man, Captain. I’m sure you’ve had your share of women.”
Marvel: *Stares at the reporter for a few seconds with that blank, computing expression.* “Uh… no?” Think, Billy! Think! What can you say to end this fast? “I can’t feel romantic feelings for anyone.”
Reporter: “Can you elaborate?” *Holds mic up to his face.*
Marvel: *thinking of how he can make this make sense* “Well, you see I… don’t have a brain! So I’m not really able to feel things like that.”
Reporter: “ -Oh. Uhm.” *Shocked and looking to the camera man before looking back at Marvel.* “Well—”
Marvel: *Cuts her off* “Okay, bye!” *Flies off fast.*
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parisoonic · 4 months ago
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How the hell do you manage to superimpose the hilariously exagerated proportions of the tf2 mercs into a cohesive 2d style? I always struggle SO much with like, the way the mercs' models have huge hands, the way they have relatively low-poly definition on things like arms, shoulders, and legs... and Especially the way like, the models are kinda janky when you pose them for art purposes- when using movement tools, things like armpits and seams between body parts get all deformed... Which makes the study of form and silhouette rather difficult.
I assume that a lot of your ability to translate the concept of the mercs from their original mediums into your own works of art comes to you quite naturally- through experience you have with drawing and art style stuff, as well as through intuition. I was simply wondering if I could poke at your mind and get some insight into your process, any thoughts you have about the proportions and silhouettes of the mercs, any quirks you've found while drawing the mercs, or simply what you enjoy drawing about them. Like, don't be afraid to infodump about something just because you think people wouldn't find it interesting- I am here, I am sitting, and I am listening- if you so choose to speak.
I am utterly fascinated and enraptured by the more behind-the-scenes aspect of art. The mundane things that come second nature to great artists yet seem so revolutionary to less experienced artists.
I love your work, I look forward to seeing more of it, and I hope you have a nice day :]
Sorry for the late reply! I've been a little…stuck on how to answer this but that's mainly because to me, drawing is composed of SO many different little skills - you have form, anatomy, shape language, silhouette, appeal, rhythm, acting and posing…not to mention everything AFTER your raw draughtmanship like line style, rendering and colour theory. Trying to distill a multiude of small skills into some pithy advice is overwhelming to my brain. So I'll take the invitation to ramble instead :))
I don't think I have any new or revolutionary insight into the tf2 guys specifically - more I'm using them as work horses to excercise general silhouette/posing/shape-language and further my skills when it comes to drawing characters!
I do agree though the proportions are rather silly when you stop and think about them realistically…they can be kinda tricky if you follow their 'actual' proportions. what looks great individually was maybe never meant to be directly compared (ie: Heavy's hand size against Spy's lol). It would've been funny if the TV show exsisted and we had more content to review…would the animators have had rules like Spy and Heavy can never shake hands? Would they cheated the proportions for shots? Or would they have said WHATVER it's gonna look weird and embraced it? (Like Kingpin in Spiderverse lol)
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Paul Lasaine for 'Into the Spiderverse' This is AWESOME. But it's also one of the silliest designs I've ever seen comitted to screen. The varied scales of the characters work because of the unifying treatment (lighting, rendering, consistant hand anatomy, consistant clothing fold treatment etc) and because they are sort of proportional within themselves. A common mantra is that hands should be about as large as a characters face....which they all are here!
Human brains are very flexible and forgiving though. It's totally fine for you to put a character with huge hands and head next to a teeny tiny character! Vanellope and Ralph from Wreck-It Ralph look grand next to each other! And in that film you even have varying levels of stylisation sitting against each other (unified by the look dev treatment of the shaders and lighting). I think as long as the chracter is proportional within themselves it sort of works out. IE: a general rule is that a hand should be as large as the face so…you can have some large arse hands as long as their placed on a body with a big arse head. Unifying characters with the same treatment (ie: lineart brush, colouring style will also help them look cohesive next to each other :) )
I don't actually reference the 3D models/animations very much at all and instead draw their proportions based on my tastes for stylisation following their general vibes/silhouette profiles. I don't stick THAT close to their in-game looks and there are artists who do that are so so so much better than me (Creedei and Flapjack come to mind). I'm not amazing at body-type differentation and TBH they're all wearing chunky clothes all the time so I usually draw the guys as one-of-three body shapes: Heavy is the uniquely wide guy; Sniper/Scout/Spy are all tall and slim and Demo/Soldier/Medic/Engie have a little more of the generic 'hero' bodytype with varying tallness and broadness of the shoulders
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Something like this! You can vary all these individual elements in terms of size, thickness, taper amount etc to create different characters. If you ARE going to reference the 3d works though you'll need to apply some anatomy knowledge to overcome the weird shoulders, armpits and knees which desperately need blendshapes to correct the 3D volumes and approach it a little more like an animation supervisor. There's a reason why you see in making-ofs and art-ofs character designers, character leads or animation supes doing drawovers of the models. These are character models that have had great effort put into their 'base' silhouette but it still needs to be reinforced in every frame for maximum appeal.
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Shiyoon Kim for 'Raya' This sort of thing will occur at multiple stages during the animation process. Shiyoon Kim's notes are post final model but pre-animation. Most likely for internal rig tests, exploring what blend shapes and alt shapes are needed for the rigs etc. If your production has time, this will continue all the way to final anim. IF! But it's interesting to see how he emphasises the shapes and enhances the character acting of the 3d model.
As for 'mundane things' - I wouldn't say they're second nature! (If that makes you feel better!) I have to actively really persue certain advice and try to figure out how to best apply it. This can sometimes involve redrawing and redrawing an element of the drawing until I've grasped the nettle of whatever I'm after or…..until I get frustrated and either delete the drawing or just call it done lol
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Here, I'm looking for a really specific flow of the head that sells both the acting and a subtle head tilt. I'm also trying to apply the general mantra regarding faces that converging lines (set by the eyebrows and mouth) are more appealing than parallel. It's tough! I also tend to use a drawing I've already done as a template/reference on the page too. Oh! This page is an amazing example of why I'm not an animator or storyboarder…consistancy? Who is she? 💅
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Converging lines (that form tapered shapes) are always more appealing than parallel. Using this logic you can loft the facial features across converging lines to create dynamic appealing espressions. Combining this with anatomy, perspective and rotation is the tough part though. I'm still learning o7
The things I probably think about MOST are always flats vs curves, simple vs complex and general line of action/flow...and then eliminting tangents. Each of these can be a dedicated visual-essay on their own - hence my stumbling as to answer your question. Anyhow, not sure if it's ever come up on this blog but I looove dinosaurs :)) so i'm using a wee piece to demostrate these ideas! (but also to demostrate these concepts apply to everything from humans characters to animals, props and background design)
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Okay, I'm getting self-aware that this is getting really long :') I have a wee tutorial tag for my blog if anyone wants to comb through my garbled art-thoughts. Learning, studying, repetition and practice will always be the greatest teachers! I'm glad you like my art- thank you so much for the lovely comments - I feel like such a noob still and not qualified to give people advice but we're in it together learning! High-five! 🙌
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alloftheimagines · 5 months ago
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joel miller | complications
masterlist | tag list
words: 2.9k warnings: 18+ | angst, near death experience, blood, reader has a traumatic birth w/complications, PTSD naturally, joel reminded of sarah's death, newbown baby (yes they can be spooky! but this one is cute and safe), (please just somebody take that poor man's pain away) (or not because then what would we write about?) (also he and ellie are a little estranged like in tlou2) prompt: I was thinking maybe Jackson! Joel era and pregnant reader and then she almost dies while giving birth to the baby! Gives room for a lot of drama and angst, and potential comfort right at the end for our favorite old man. tags: (i know it's been a while since I last posted so let me know if you want to be untagged) @sweetbabygirlsworld @m4tthewmurd0ck @domaniquessidehoe @spideysimpossiblegirl note: you can read this as pedro's joel if you so wish, but i am in my game!joel feels rn
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“I can’t do this, Joel.” Your face creased with pain as another contraction wracked through you. You’d known that labour would hurt, of course, but you hadn’t expected it to come on this quickly, and so strong. You hadn’t yet passed the eight-month mark, and you weren’t prepared. Not even a little. You hadn’t even sorted the nursery yet, or found a crib.
Joel held your hand on the floor of your living room, keeping you supported while you braced against the couch. He brushed the hair from your face, calm and unreadable as ever, but even you didn’t miss the way his fingers trembled against your skin. “You got this, baby girl. I know you can.”
“Don’t think you have much of a choice.” Your doctor, one of the few midwives in town, lifted her head. She sat at your feet, peeling off her gloves after your examination. “You’re fully dilated. This baby is coming right now.”
“There’s no time to get to the infirmary?” you questioned, voice rising in panic. The contractions had barely started an hour ago, and sure, you’d left it a little late before confessing that they were getting painful. Ellie had rushed out not fifteen minutes ago to call for your midwife’s help, and now…
Now, the baby was coming, and all you could think was that it wasn’t supposed to be like this. The pregnancy had been a shock to your system. You hadn’t even been sure that Joel would want to go through with it after everything he’d experienced before. But he’d held your hand through each ultrasound, felt your belly for the first kick, and even when you saw fear — dread, even — cross his features, you could easily reassure him that this time was different. This time, it was safe. You’d lived in Jackson for over a year now, and it was the security of the community that had made motherhood feel possible. 
The midwife shook her head. “I’m sorry. You need to start pushing on your next contraction.”
“Oh, god,” you whispered, teeth chattering as the weight of the situation hit you.
“Hey, look at me.” Joel tilted your chin gently. “It’s gonna be just fine, darlin’. You just breathe and push, okay? We’ll do the rest.” 
“Right, just breathe and push,” you muttered. “Of course, you forgot the part about shoving a small human out of my hoo-ha.” 
He smirked, planting a kiss on your forehead. “Oh, right. That little detail.”
“I kinda hate you right now.” Just as you said it, another contraction hit, and your head fell back as you moaned. 
“Push now if you feel like you should!” your midwife reminded. Then, to Ellie: “Go get some clean towels, hon. Lots of ‘em.”
In the doorway, Ellie looked grateful to be given a job and scampered off. 
You did as instructed, dipping your chin into your chest as you pushed, pushed, pushed. A scream ripped through you at the pain it brought, each moment worse than the last. 
“You’re doing so good, baby. So good. She’s gonna be here so soon,” Joel whispered, his grip around you the only thing keeping you tethered to the here and now. 
Dizziness consumed you as your contraction finally eased. “Is she okay?”
“I’m seeing the head.” The midwife beamed. “Just a few more pushes, okay?”
Somehow, you breathed, and you pushed, and you felt your way through the pain as your body broke and mended and then broke again. Joel kept his grip on your hand tight, reassuring, but you saw him bite his lip toward the end and knew that he might have been just as terrified as you. 
The final push finally came, and you sunk back as the newborn's cry rang out.
“She’s here. You did it,” Joel murmured, kissing your clammy temple. He laughed into your skin, the sound of joy and disbelief sending a shiver through you. You tried to lift your head, to see your daughter, but everything felt wrong. Heavy. It still hurt, and black spots dotted your vision. 
“Le’ me see her.” Your words were slurred, your voice far away.
The last thing you heard was Joel calling your name, his voice raw and broken — terrified. 
***
“What’s wrong with her?” he demanded. 
“She’s bleeding too heavily. I need to get her to the infirmary.”  The midwife shook her head, handing him the screaming newborn. His screaming newborn. It had taken months to quell the panic of becoming a father again — not that he had ever truly stopped. Sarah had lived in his heart all these years, and Ellie was his daughter, even if she hated him for what he did. 
He made the mistake of looking at you, and the sight of the blood made him sick. So much of it. There was so damn much of it. He’d seen a lot of people bleed out, but he couldn’t remember ever seeing this much. 
“Shit," he cursed.
He didn’t know when Ellie had returned, but she stood wan and she’ll shocked beside him now.
“Please, take her.” He shoved the baby into her arms before lowering back to his knees to grab your hand. “Don’t you dare do this to me, baby. Not now.” 
“Can you carry her to the infirmary?” the midwife asked desperately.
He didn’t think twice, slipping his arms under your limp body. 
“Joel! She’s gonna be alright, right?” Ellie stuttered, and he heard the panic in her voice, too, as she swayed the baby from side to side, swaddling her in blankets. You were the closest thing Ellie had to a mother. If either of them lost you…
He couldn’t even try to find an answer, as much as he wanted it to be yes.
He gritted his teeth, hauling you up on shaky legs. Thankfully, the infirmary was only a few blocks away, and nobody was there to slow him down so late at night. 
He couldn’t make sense of it. One minute, he’d been settling down for the night after a long patrol shift. The next, you were curled up in pain, claiming the baby was coming. 
“Stay with me,” he pleaded, fingers curling into your old sweater. His old sweater, if he was being particular, but you’d stolen it from him so long ago that it smelled completely of you now: soap and fresh air. Blood. 
He staggered into the infirmary with that smell still in his nostrils, dampness spreading across his hands, and he damn near passed out on the threshold. But he wouldn’t, couldn’t, leave you, even when flashes of him holding Sarah this exact way raced through his mind. Even when a broken sob stuck in his throat, because he was holding on, and you weren’t, and she wasn’t, and why did he always have to be the one to watch the life seep from them? To end the night with nothing but their blood on his hands?
He set you down on the first bed he came to, drawing the alarmed attention of the nurses, who had a moment ago been ready to dose off on their night shift. In such a small community, they weren’t often needed after dark.
Behind him, the midwife called out orders, wheeling you away into the surgery theatre. He watched you disappear into a white-walled room, a tiny thing that never would have sufficed in the old world. 
In the old world, you probably wouldn’t have given birth in a living room. In the old world, he wouldn’t be stiff with a fear he couldn’t control, frozen with memories that refused to ever leave him.
He spun around and felt unsettled to see Ellie cradling the baby, mouth agape with the same cluelessness he felt. His baby. His. He had to be a father now, but he didn’t know how when you weren’t here with him. He felt like that thing he was always losing in his dreams was finally gone for good. Ripped from him one last time.
He couldn’t look at the baby’s cherubic face. Couldn’t even look at Ellie.
He couldn’t remember why he’d been so relaxed just yesterday to think of the little life you’d both been impatiently waiting to begin. Couldn’t remember how he’d found the strength to sing a lullaby to your bump, laughing when a foot kicked his palm as though telling him to shut the hell up. 
What the fuck was he supposed to do now? She was so tiny and pink and new, wrapped in bloody blankets, and he…
“Go give her to one of the nurses,” he whispered. 
“Joel—” Ellie made to protest, but he couldn’t hear it. Wouldn't.
“Ellie,” he snapped. “Go give her to one of the damn nurses. I can’t.”
“Well, you don’t have a fucking choice, because she’s yours now.” Ellie shoved her into his hands without warning. He tensed with the new weight, bile rising in his stomach. No. No. No. Everything he held, he broke. 
But then the baby let out a gurgle, her feet kicking his palm just like the night before when she was still safe in your belly, and he couldn’t keep from looking down at her. Couldn’t keep from seeing you in all her innocent features. Eyes, nose, even the fine tuft of hair on her head. 
“I can clean her down and check she’s doing okay,” a nurse offered, and suddenly, he was reluctant to let her go. 
And then he remembered you, the blood, your motionless body after so long spent screaming, Ellie’s hatred, Tess, Sarah, and he was glad for somebody else to take care of her. The further away that kid was, the better. He was a fucking curse, and she…
He scraped a hand over his face, pacing over to the surgery room. He didn’t dare march in, no matter how badly he wanted to. 
“She’s going to be okay,” Ellie said from behind him gently. “She’s strong, and I’m sure shit like this happens all the time.” 
“I told her we’d be okay,” Joel rasped out, face crumpling finally. “I told her that it would turn out alright, that we could be… That we could make something good here.”
“And you will,” Ellie said. 
He shook his head. “I might as well have killed her my damn self.” He looked down at his bloodied hands as though they weren’t his. They shook more than they ever had before. 
“Stop it! She’s going to make it. She has to!” Ellie’s yell took him aback, piercing in such a quiet, echoey space. She jabbed a finger into Joel’s shoulder. “And you have to hold it together. I know it’s fucking hard, alright, but you don’t get to lose it now! You can’t blame yourself for everything that goes wrong in our lives, Joel! That’s not how it works!”
He swallowed down his own self-loathing, head bowed. “I can’t do it without her,” he whispered. 
The rawness in his voice must have been visceral, because Ellie paused, her eyes filling with tears. 
And then she hugged him, tight enough that he thought maybe she was trying to keep him in one piece. He let out a ragged breath and held her. And then he did what she asked. He tried to hold it together. 
***
You woke to whispers and gurgles and wondered for a moment if you were dreaming. Your lids were heavy, body distant, and you couldn’t quite remember where you were or who was supposed to be with you. 
Until you prised your eyes open and found IVs plugged into your veins. 
“There she is,” a voice said softly. 
You blinked, searching for the source, and found it in a bleary version of Joel. He sat in a chair beside your bed, a tiny baby in his arms. His smile was shaky, distorted, and you didn’t know why. Not until he leaned forward and brushed your hair from your face with his free arm.
“Thought you’d left me there for a second.” 
“Is she okay?” Your throat was hoarse. 
He nodded. “Right as rain. It’s you we were worried about.” 
You frowned, trying to remember. One minute, you were pushing as though your life depended on it, and then the next, you were just… gone. 
“You had a heavy bleed. Needed a transfusion,” Joel explained finally. “But they reckon you’re gonna be okay, thank god.” 
“But she’s okay?” You stared at the baby nestled against his chest, not quite sure how she was here. When had this being growing inside of you become a real, tangible thing? How much of her life had you already missed?
Joel sighed impatiently. “Yes, baby. She’s perfect. Takes after her mom in that department.”
He moved to perch beside you so that you could get a closer look. He was right, of course. She was a little smaller than most newborns, but she was perfect. Pink apple cheeks, wide eyes, tiny fingernails. Looking at her felt like everything had finally fallen into place. You tickled her chin and her lips twitched with something content. Something right.
“How’s it feel, being a daddy again?” you asked gently, looking up at him. 
“Right now, it feels like hell. You can’t go scaring me like that.” He wouldn’t look at you, frown set firmly on his daughter. “Thought I was gonna have a heart attack."
“I’m sorry.” You couldn’t imagine how scared he must have been. After everything, you’d finally thought that danger, terror, was a thing of the past. You’d done a great job of ruining that, even if it wasn’t on purpose. Joel had lost too much before to deal with all this, and you had no idea how you’d cope in his shoes. 
He chuckled. “You’re sorry.” Shook his head. “I ain’t trying to make you apologise for almost dying, darlin’. You don’t gotta worry about me.”
“We said we could do this right,” you whispered. “I promised you it’d be different.” 
“Yeah, well… feels like things’ll never be different for me.” 
You snapped your head up. “What’s that mean?” 
“Nothin’.” He sighed, kissing your temple, and yet still, he wouldn’t meet your eye. “How about you get some rest? I’ll keep the little missus company.” 
“Joel.” You cupped his jaw, pleading now. Everything felt so wrong. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Even though the proof was right in front of you, it was hard to believe your baby was happy and healthy after all the trauma you’d faced. “We’re not gonna start her life this way. Tell me what you mean.”
He placed the baby down in the crib beside your bed before pinching the bridge of his nose. “I keep having to plan a life where I’m alone again, and honestly, I don’t know how I’d do it if I had to. Not this time.”
“But you’re not alone. I’m right here.”
“But you weren’t. For a minute there, I thought…” His voice grew thick, and he shook his head. “Sarah’s gone. Ellie hates me. Why the hell did I think it’d be third time lucky? She’s not even a day old, and she almost lost her mom! And there was nothing I could do. There’s never anything I can do.”
Your heart ached for him. One day, you prayed he wouldn’t hold the responsibility of every single person he loved on his shoulders. Maybe he was right. Maybe you’d been foolish to go into this thinking it could be better. The world would never be safe, not even here in Jackson, and the pain he must live with every day sure as hell wouldn’t ease now he had another daughter to raise. 
You felt hollow at the thought that maybe he’d leave. You wouldn’t blame him, not really. You were scared, too. But you’d only found the strength to do this because you were together, and you’d survived the odds so far. If that stopped feeling true… what then?
Devastation must have been written all over your face, because he pursed his lips. “Don’t listen to me, baby. I shouldn’t be sayin’ all this. You’re barely out of the woods.” 
“I don’t think we can keep doing this if you don’t let some of that guilt and blame go, Joel,” you admitted. “I think your daughter is gonna need a man who doesn’t hate himself for every single thing that’s wrong in the world. You’re right. There was nothing you could have done to stop this from happening. It was my body, and things like this happened even before the outbreak. I can’t imagine how scared you were, love, but fuck, you can’t keep making it your fault. It isn’t. It never was, especially not with Sarah. And this baby? She isn't Sarah." 
He winced at her name, as he often still did. Collapsing back in his chair, he took your hand. Slowly, his lower lip began to wobble as he finally met your gaze. “I love you too much to lose you. And her… How the hell am I gonna do this?” 
“I can’t answer that,” you said. “We knew it wouldn’t be easy.”
He snorted. “Ain’t that the truth.” Then, he bowed his head to press a kiss to the back of your hand. “Gonna try to be better. I promise. I'll hold it together."
“You don’t need to be better, and you don't need to hold it together. You’re already a good man, and talking about all this is important - for both of us. And for her.” You squeezed his fingers tightly. “I love you so much.” You teared up as you looked at the baby dozing in her crib. “And god, I love her. Can you believe we made her?” 
He hummed. “What the hell are we gonna call her?” 
“And where the hell are we gonna put her?” you added, worrying at your lip. “We never even found a crib.”
He shrugged, teasing. “I’m sure we’ll find a corner somewhere.” He leaned forward, tracing circles along your arm. “We’ll make do. Between the four of us, we’ll find a way. I’ll cut the damn trees down and build us a place from scratch myself if I have to.”
You smiled, peace finally flooding your exhausted body. You saw Ellie standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame with her arms crossed, and knew Joel was right. Your family was complete now. It would be a little broken at times, as all things were, but you’d do everything in your power to keep it whole. 
Even if it meant reminding Joel every damn day that he had to be gentle with himself.
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