#and i have a great appreciation for it - then we can get into Organised Religion Problems territory and i will have lots to say too

[ohtobeleah]

Was It Over? // Jake Seresin

-> Chapter Thirteen: [Panic Room]

Summary: Jakes darkest fears come to fruition when surgery doesn’t go as planned and the months to come bring a new reality he never saw coming.

Warnings: MAIN CHARACTER DEATH Sick!reader. Breast cancer diagnosis. Jake Seresin x F!reader. Angst, hospital & medical inaccuracies. SLOW BURN ROMANCE/ Inaccurate medical information. Relationship turmoil. Mentions of religion.

Word Count: 5.5k

Author Note: A big show of appreciation and love to @a-reader-and-a-writer (Vee) for constantly being ready and willing to help me with my writing. You have been the backbone I needed to get this done!

You guys will never know how much this series means to me. And in the same breath, you guys will never know how much your support truly means. Merry Christmas Eve Eve 2024 ya filthy animals.

Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist

Researchers say the average length of a dream is two to three minutes long. But many people experience their dreams as hours, days, or even years if they can remember them at all. 

The science of dreaming has been questioned for hundreds of years. Some hypothesise that dreams are our way of processing real events that occur when we’re awake. They also serve as an outlet for repressed hopes and desires. Neuroscientists introduce a new theory every few years. But honestly, no one knows why we dream. 

Or why we have nightmares. We just hope that after the dream, we wake up. 

“We’ve gone over all the risks, weighed up all the possible outcomes, dotted I’s and crossed T’s. Today is the day, Mrs. Seresin.” Doctor Morrison was hopeful in his consultation. The white coat-wearing man reassured you as he placed your chart back where it belonged. “How are you feeling?” 

The question went unanswered for a moment or two. You felt like you were in a state of shock. Unable to truly express how you felt just hours before going into what could be life-changing surgery. You were giving everyone in the room a thousand-yard stare. Mentally and physically, you had checked out. Like you’d been stuck in a nightmare that wouldn’t stop torturing you. 

“We had some bad news last night. A close friend passed away unexpectedly,” Jake answered on your behalf. “Is there any way–” 

“We need to do this now, Mr. Seresin, or we won’t be able to revisit this for a few months,” Dr. Morrison explained with an emphasis on the matter of now or never. “I understand personal circumstances may have changed. However, knowing everything you know about risk and recovery and survival rates after double mastectomies, I recommend we stick to the organised care plan.” 

“Can we have a moment alone?” Jake asked cautiously as his hand came to rest gently on your shoulder. You hadn’t moved from what could only be described as a catatonic-like state for the entire duration of the conversation. 

“Of course,” Dr. Morrison nodded. “I’ll come back after I’ve checked in on a few patients.” 

It didn’t take long at all for the oncology crew to exit the room. But the second they did, you felt like you could breathe again. 

“I can’t go through with this surgery Jake,” you begged. Fear of the unknown had taken over your entire being. “I can’t do this,” 

“You are the strongest person I know, honey, the kids and I really need you to do this.” Jake tried his best to comfort you as well as remind you why this surgery was so important. “We need you, yeah? We need you to stick around and this fucking cancer, this disease, is trying to cut that time short.” 

“But Jensen–” 

At the height of the Great Depression, Harvard scientists started tracking students in hopes of discovering the key to a long and happy life. They looked at participants’ mental and physical health over seventy-five years. It’s the longest study of happiness to date. Seventy-five years and all they did was confirm what we’ve known since the beginning of time. 

The most powerful predictor of health and happiness is the quality of our relationships. 

Strong relationships protect us. Loneliness on the other hand…can be deadly. 

“Would want you to keep fighting and have this surgery.” Jake could have said he thought Jensen was a coward. He could have said how angry he was at that fucker for leaving you alone in this world with no one to confide in who knew the struggle, who knew the feeling of being told you’re sick and need to get sicker in order to get better. 

Jake could have told you how he wished Jensen had survived so he could kill him himself. Jake could have responded with the fact Jensen was terminal and there was nothing on this earth that could have saved him from his illness. 

Jake could have told you that Jensen thought you hung the stars and the moon in the night sky every night just for him…but then Jake would also have to admit to himself and you that maybe, just maybe, you should have moved on. 

“What would he say right now if he was here?” Jake settled on that question just to keep himself sane. He didn’t want to open yet another can of worms right before your surgery. This was all one big giant nightmare already, he didn’t want to make it worse. If anything, Jake kept pinching himself in secret just hoping that maybe he’d wake up on the couch and this cancer saga would all be some sadistic subconscious dream of his. 

He’d always been deathly afraid of not being good enough for you. 

“He’d tell me to do it,” you sighed as you let your head rest against the upright bed. “He’d tell me to be strategic about the battle, the war is the endgame.” 

“Exactly, one battle at a time, step by step,” Jake agreed with a cheeky smile. That signature Seresin smile you so effortlessly loved. “You’re not gonna hand in the white flag before the battles even really begins, are you?” 

“Kinda want to if I’m being completely honest with you,” you responded knowing Jake would appreciate the honesty. “But I guess you and the kids really need me to stick around, huh?” 

“Oh, I can’t even begin to explain how much we need you to stick around, honeybee.” it was as honest and as sincere as Jake could be. He wore his heart on his sleeve for you. He exposed every nerve he had just so you could dance your feather-like fingers across the tender strings that made Jake, Jake. 

“I’m so scared of being alone in the operating room,” you admitted as Jake leaned in to leave a gentle kiss on your forehead. “I’m so scared they won’t see me as a person,” It was an explanation that broke Jake’s heart even though he believed his heart couldn’t be broken any more. “That they won’t remember I’m me, that I have a life and a family and people who will miss me.” 

Over the course of our lives, our relationships ebb and flow. We get together, break up, move away, or fall out of touch. It’s prolonged periods of loneliness and toxicity that wreak havoc on our health, our brain function, and our longevity. 

“You’re never alone,” Jake replied softly as tears threatened to spill over his waterline. “I’m always with you, the kids are always with you, Jensen, your mum, everyone will be with you during that surgery, we’re gonna be waiting on the other side.” 

“I love you so much, Jake Seresin,” you smiled brightly through a tight-lipped smile Jake wished he could save in his mind’s eye forever. “Let’s win this battle.” 

“And the war too,” Jake replied as he reached for your hand, gave it a soft squeeze, and brought your palm to his lips. “Let’s fucking do this, Y/n.” 

*************************************

Jake sat waiting by the vending machine as he picked at the small single service-sized packet of original Lays he’d nearly had to beg the machine to drop. His watch told him it was almost nearing the end of your surgery. He wasn't stressed, not when your surgeon had been so hopeful and calming. Jake had spent far too much of his time recently worrying about the what-ifs. He wanted to focus on the now. And that now was the fact you would have been nearing the end of your surgery. Which meant soon enough he’d get to see you again. 

The only thing that kept Jake on his toes was the ever-looming doubt that perhaps the treatment plan wouldn't be enough. He hoped that you had enough fight in you to make it through the journey. He needed you to have enough strength to fight. 

“She should be coming out of surgery soon–” Jake explained as he held his phone up to his ear and tried not to chew so loud. “The kids know that Rooster is picking them up to bring them home to Grandma Maz’s house?” 

“Yeah, Mum’s not too happy about it but she won't keal over about it,” Jasmine replied as she watched her brother's kids play with hers in the backyard she and Jake used to make mud pies in. “Rooster messaged about an hour ago saying he was close, he shouldn't be too far away now.” Jas continued in her own little world. Jake was used to not being able to get a word in with his youngest sister. “I can't believe Y/n has fucking cancer–does her side of the family have a history or…?” 

“Not that we know of, it's just really bad luck, Jas,” Jake sighed as he let his head fall back against the wall his chair was pressed up against. “But hopefully with this surgery and the chemo, she’ll be able to beat it.” 

“Well, you tell her that I’m pissed she gets a boob job before I do,” Jasmine tried her best to keep the situation as light-hearted as possible. “Make sure she gets a good rack, not too small or too big, like a good handful that's just right.” 

“I'll be sure to let her know,” Jake smiled, he really could count on his sister for that. “Oh, I gotta go, I see Y/n’s surgeon.” Jake sat up in anticipation as anxiety flooded his nervous system. “Tell the kids we love them for me.” 

“Have been every day,” Jasmine replied quickly knowing her brother probably had his phone down from his ear by now. “Bye.” 

Jake was quick to pocket his phone and wipe the crumbs from his shirt as he stood to greet your surgeon. However, something seemed off about the man who had seemed so confident before your surgery. 

“Mr. Seresin–” 

“How is she?” Jake asked. He didn't mean to interrupt, but he needed to know first and foremost before any medical mumbo jumbo. “My wife, how’d the surgery go?” 

There was a very telling pause that accompanied the sober look that Doctor Morrison wore, but Jake tried not to read into it all that much. He knew you would be fine. 

Right? 

“Mr Seresin, your wife's heart was weakened by the stress of her recent stroke,” Doctor Morrison began to explain as Jake stood there expecting good news. “She, unfortunately, went into a cardiac arrest–” the air around Jake disappeared. Almost instantly, he felt as if he were floating in space. “We tried to revive her for the better half of twenty minutes while she was on the table,” There was a pause. A telling moment where reality and fantasy were trying to battle it out. Who’s version of events would win? When Doctor Morrison saw Jake’s mind short-circling with an inability to process the magnitude of information, he felt as if he needed to continue explaining the severity of the situation. 

“It was catastrophic, and I'm afraid we've lost her.” Doctor Morrison had told far too many loved ones over the years that they had lost family members, but never in all his years had he ever seen such immediate denial written in the lines on someone's face. “Mr. Seresin, your wife has died.” The words Doctor Morrison was saying were not sinking in as Jake stood there completely blind to the reality happening around him. “I’m so sorry for your loss–” 

“Uh–” Jake frowned as the confusion kicked in. “I'm sorry, you must have mistaken me for someone else. My wife was fine before she went in for surgery, she was fine.” 

“Yes, yes, your wife was fine, yes–” Doctor Morrison tried to keep his composure, but even after all these years the losses still hurt. It made him feel human to experience the emotions alongside the family members, but in the first few seconds of watching Jake Seresin spiral into a hole of denial that you were, in fact, gone, Doctor Morrison, knew this particular loss would haunt him for the rest of his career. 

Speaking slowly, Doctor Morisson tried once more to explain what had happened in a way that Jake would understand. “The stress of the surgery along with her recent stroke…her body just couldn't handle the stress. Her heart experienced a cardiac episode and we unfortunately couldn’t revive her.” 

The immediate silence between the two men was all-consuming as it was telling. Jake’s heart was breaking in two. 

“Is there someone I can call for you?” Doctor Morrison tried to be as empathetic as he could be, this part of the job was never easy. The part where he was tasked with telling loved ones that the people they loved had passed on his table. They were few and far between, but the people he did lose would forever haunt him. He could name every single one and their family’s name too. Jake Seresin would be a name Doctor Morrison would remember for the rest of his life and into the next. 

“Are you out of your mind?” Jake pushed back almost immediately as he tried to wrap his head around what he was being told. This didn’t make any sense, you were just here. You were fine. 

“No, Mr. Seresin I–” Doctor Morrison tried to explain again, but it was to no avail.

“I–Okay, I think you must be mistaken,” Jake wiped his hand on his jeans as he stepped back. “I just need to ge–”

“Mr. Seresin, please.” Doctor Morrison tried to stop Jake from leaving the waiting area, but Jake just stepped further back with a frown of disgust and grief. He was still holding his packet of Lays. 

“No, no can you just, can you back up?” Jake nearly growled. “Can you leave me alone?” Jake looked around as he tried to remember how to breathe. People were staring at him like he was in a zoo. A caged and cornered animal begging to be left alone. “Can somebody get this person to just give me some space please?” It was as heartbreaking as it was cruel to watch Jake walk down the hall towards where he knew your hospital room was. 

“Y/n?” He called out hoping you'd be back by now. “You won’t believe this guy, honey. He just–” The moment Jake rounded the corner and saw your hospital room empty with no sign of you, he stood still. All the air had been sucked right from his lungs as his eyes scanned the room. Your Christmas lights weren’t flashing, your bed wasn't made, and your laptop sat open with a black screen, but just where you’d left it. You weren't back. 

“Y/n?” Jake whispered under his breath as his eyes continued to scan the empty hospital room just waiting for you to appear from out of the bathroom or sneak up behind him. But Jake knew you weren't about to appear even though he wished for nothing more. 

“Oh–” One step, two steps, three steps, four. Jake didn't know where he was but he was on the move. He couldn't stay here looking at an empty room. He had to find where you were. “Oh god, no, no no no no no, please no don’t take her away from me.” 

“Jake!” The woman's voice Jake had come to know over the last few days broke through the fog that was clouding Jake's mind. He continued to stumble blindly down the ward. “I just heard,” Lydia explained as she rushed up to the man who she had come to know as your husband. “I'm so sorry, I wasn't expecting this to happen. I thought–” Lydia quickly reacted when Jake's knees buckled underneath him. 

“Woah! I need a little help over here!” Doctor Morrison was quick on the draw as he made his way over to where Jake now kneeled on the floor unable to breathe. 

“My wife–” Jake tried to talk as he hyperventilated. “Y/n!” he cried out for all to hear. “Y/N!” 

“She's gone.” Doctor Morrison had to make sure the fact was sinking in. 

“Oh Jake, I’m so sorry–” Lydia tried to console the six-foot-something man who had crumbled to his knees. “Your wife was an amazing woman.” 

Jake still couldn't believe it, he didn't believe it, and he wouldn't. The pain he felt inside his chest, the burning hot sensation was excruciating. He’d never felt such a feeling of grief mixed with denial and so much love. You couldn’t be gone. He was having a nightmare, wasn’t he? This wasn't real. He was dreaming. This was all one big dream. It had to be. It had to be a nightmare his subconscious had concocted. A nightmare where Jake lost it all. His biggest fears were realised. 

“I need my wife, I need Y/n,” Jake sobbed as Lydia kneeled on the ground in front of him just assessing his current state of shock. “I can't, she can't–no no no she's fine, please tell me she's fine.” 

“I'm so sorry, Jake,” Lydia confirmed what Jake wished so desperately wasn’t true. “She’s gone,” Lydia’s voice became distorted as she held the broken man in her arms. “You need to wake up before it's too late.” 

************************

Bradley Bradshaw was accustomed to losing the people he loved the most in this world. He’d lost his father, his mother, and his grandparents. For a while there he’d lost the only man who had ever slightly filled the shoes his dad left behind. But the loss of someone who was still there was something he’d never had to handle before. 

“Nat, he hasn’t gotten out of bed in days,” Bradley groaned as he cleaned up the kitchen. “The kids already lost their mother,” Bradley tried his best to keep his voice down, but the way little Lennox clocked Bradley from where he was sitting at the dining table made him realise he wasn’t one to talk on the quiet side. “They don’t need to lose their dad too.”

Jake stood just outside of Bradley’s eyeline, but he could hear everything the giant overgrown bird was saying. He couldn’t hear what Phoenix was saying but there was enough back and forth on Bradley’s behalf to easily fill in the gaps. 

“No. No, he hasn’t been down since the funeral.” Jake forgot how to exhale at the mere mention of your funeral as he hid in the hall. He couldn’t remember ever getting ready or speaking at your wake. He couldn’t remember who drove them or if the kids cried. He couldn’t remember hugging your mother or shaking your brother’s hand. Jake couldn’t remember any details about the flowers he’d organised or the people who were there. 

The anti-depressants weren’t helping. Nothing was. Nothing would. 

Until today, Jake couldn’t bring himself to get out of bed. Without you, there was no point. He was begrudgingly okay with living a life in a world where you were still in it. But living in a world where you were no longer present wasn’t something Jake was willing to do. The kids would be fine with their grandparents. They’d be fine with Uncle Rooster. Lennox and Lucy and little Sammy didn’t need him. How was he supposed to look into their eyes and know he could never see the twinkle in yours ever again? 

“I’m really worried about him, Nat,” Rooster sighed as he held his phone up to his ear with his shoulder. He was working on making little Samy some banana pancakes. “As much as I want to, I can’t stay here forever, but he needs someone.” 

“No one is asking you to babysit me, Bradshaw,” Jake replied to the statement Bradley wasn’t expecting an answer to. “You can leave, trust me, I can drop the kids off with my mum.” 

Bradley stood stunned into silence as he watched Jake round the corner and into vision. He reluctantly reached for his phone and hung up as Phoenix questioned what was going on. 

“Hey man,” Rooster finally broke the silence as he watched Jake walk closer and closer to where Sammy sat in his high chair. “How you feeling today?” 

“Well, my wife’s still dead, so that’s something,” Jake replied with a sigh as he picked up Sammy and placed him on his lap. Lennox could see the look of pure admiration in his younger brother’s eyes as Jake hugged the smallest of the Seresin kids. “Seriously, you’ve done enough for us, I got it from here.” It was the biggest lie Jake had ever tried to tell not only himself but his best friend. 

“Uh,” Bradley wasn’t convinced. “Are you sure? I mean–I wanna stay as long as you need man,” Bradley tried to plead his case as Jake went about his business with Sammy. The business being nothing. Jake stood somewhat dazed and lost in the middle of the clean-ish kitchen. A kitchen he knew where nothing was. It wasn’t his. It was yours. 

“I think the kids should come back to North Island with me,” Jake opted to ignore what Bradley was saying. Instead, he decided to continue with a vague plan for what the future holds. A future he didn’t want to have with you. A future he didn’t care about. 

“You want the kids to uproot everything they know?” Rooster frowned as he looked over to where Lenny sat watching on. The kids were down, to say the least. Bradley could recognise himself in the permanent pout that had taken shape across Lennox’s face. The puffy eyes and saddened expression really tied the whole look of mourning together. They were just kids, they didn’t deserve any of this. “I don’t think you should be thinking about coming back to work anything soon either.” 

“I don’t need you micromanaging me,” Jake hissed as he held onto his youngest son, all the while his eldest watched on with concern for his dad. “I need you to go home, Rooster, we’ve got it from here.” 

“You don’t got anything, Seresin. Are you kidding me right now?” Bradley didn’t mean to come across as so defensive. But he’d seen Jake in this grief-fueled spiral long enough to know that his destructive and depressive mindset would end up causing more distress for the kids than intended. Jake was a good dad, that had never been questioned. Until now… Bradley wasn’t sure if his best friend could handle parenting three small children without a village to back him up. “The kids haven’t seen you in days–” 

“Would you rather them see me at my worst or not see me at all?” Jake’s grief was eating away at him. So much so that Jake began to wish each time he closed his eyes he’d get to stay with the version of you his mind had envisioned. “I’m fine, I’ve got it from here,” Jake sighed as he hugged little Sammy with all the strength that he had. “I wasn’t, but I’m fine now and I just wanna spend time with the kids.” 

“I don’t believe a word you’re saying right now man,” Bradley replied as he caught sight of Lucy coming down the hall. She’d been sleeping much like her father was. Great, all three Seresin children were present for their father’s impending breakdown. 

“Get the fuck out of my house, Bradshaw.” This hadn’t been the first confrontation Jake and Bradley had gotten into while Bradley had been staying in Rhode Island as the Seresin kid’s personal live-in nanny. And it certainly wouldn’t be the last. It was becoming an almost everyday occurrence. The only difference this time was the kids were here to witness it. “I don’t need you here–”

“You aren’t thinking straight, just–how about the kids and I go for a walk or something and you sort yourself out? Have a shower? Shave? Drink something other than alcohol for–” Before Rooster could finish his sentence, Jake was placing Sam on the kitchen floor with a haste that didn’t sit right with Rooster. Lennox was the first to move from his chair. He was the spitting image of his father. 

“I don’t fucking care, Rooster!” Jake shouted at the top of his lungs. So loud and with such rage that the veins in his neck were popping as his skin turned a nice shade of ruby red. He took fast strides across the kitchen until Jake was standing toe to toe with his best friend. The very friend who’d been taking care of his children since before your passing. “I have to live the rest of my fucking live without the woman I love, so, cut me some godman slack before I knock your smug ass head from your shoulders.” 

Bradley didn’t move. He didn’t retaliate. He watched over Jake’s shoulder how his three children all cowered on the kitchen floor, scared of how their father yelled. Jake was oblivious to his surroundings. He couldn’t see the kids were struggling too. 

“Jake?” Bradley sighed as he placed his hands on either side of Jake’s face. “When the fuck are you gonna get through all this?” Braley asked softly as he remained calm. “When are you gonna wake up?” 

“Wake up?” Jake repeated as he pulled his face from his best friend's grip. “Wake up? Bradshaw, I died with my wife! There is no waking up from any of this!” 

“Maybe–” Bradley shrugged as he walked over to where the kids had been huddled together. It was only as Jake followed Bradley’s trajectory that he realised how much he’d scared his children. Something he never wanted to do. “There's always hope though.” 

“Kids,” Jake sighed as his tears began to fall. He dropped to his knees right then and there in the kitchen he wasn't familiar with. In a house that was now cold and dark without your constant radiating light to keep it warm and bright. “Guys, I'm sorry, huh–Dad didn't mean to raise his voice, he’s just–” Before Jake could finish his sentence, little Lennox was finishing his father’s sentence for him. 

“You’re just sick, dad.” 

“What?” Jake frowned as the kids made their way over to where Jake was kneeling on the tiles. 

“I said you’re just sad, Dad,” Lennox replied once more as he gave his dad a hug. “We’ll take care of you.” 

************************

December 31st 

Jake Seresin tried his best to hide the wet tears that fell down his cheeks as he sat with his kids on the lounge of the home that he had tried his best to keep as tidy as he could. There was a lot of uncertainty, a lot of frustration, a lot of fear and unbelievable sadness that surrounded Jake and your three small children. The unknown was truly tragic, terrifying and treacherous, but Jake wasn’t about to let his kids see the way he so desperately wanted to cry. 

Things had changed since Jake fell mind, body and soul into an unimaginably deep hole of depression. So much so that days had become to feel like one long dream. A paradox of grief and manic love. Your mother had told Jake to feel every ounce of emotion he had locked away. Maz had told him that grief was just someone’s residual love with nowhere else to go. 

Once Jake was able to understand that the pain of losing you was his love for you, he understood why it hurt so deeply on a cellular level. He understood why it hurt to look at the children he’d created with you. He understood why the kids had wanted to sit and open the small, still-wrapped Christmas present Lenny had found in Jake’s bag when he was looking for his dad’s wallet. 

Because it was one of the last things you ever gifted someone. It was one of your last acts on earth. 

“What did Mum get you for Christmas, Daddy?” Jake held the small present in the palm of his hand, the present he had yet to open. The present he wasn’t sure he wanted to. It felt like something he’d held before, the weight felt all too familiar. It haunted him the more he carried it around, held it in the palm of his hand and contemplated the inevitable. 

“I dunno buddy, you reckon I should open it?” Jake asked as he kissed his son's head. “S’not Christmas anymore.” The Naval Aviator had recently shaved his head, it had been the closest to a number one he’d ever had. It was in solidarity, union. A decision he made in the blink of an eye but one he did not regent or ever would. 

“We haven’t taken the tree down yet,” Lucy added her two cents into the conversation as she laid her head on her father’s thigh. “Mum would be upset if you didn’t open it, Dad.” Jake knew that much was true, you probably would be pretty bent out of shape if he never opened it. 

“Alright, I’d better open it then huh?” Jake shook the small perfectly wrapped box he could hold in the palm of his hand. He heard what sounded like a rock rattle inside. His heart nearly exploded inside his chest. 

Fuck….Jake knew what it was and he really didn’t want to open it. 

“Hey, Dad?” Lucy’s voice sounded completely different to anything Jake had ever heard before. She was looking right at him yet her eyes were trained on something one hundred miles away. 

“Yeah, sweetheart?” Jake replied just as he was about to open the present you’d given him before his life was turned upside down. 

“You need to wake up now,” Lucy’s voice sounded familiar, but it wasn’t her own. “You’ve had enough time here,” 

“What are you talking about Lu?” Jake frowned as he looked at his daughter. An extension of himself and you. “Lucy? Are you feeling okay?” 

“You’ll be a good dad soon,” Lucy smiled as she unwrapped the small ring box in Jake’s hand. The ring box that held what Jake assumed to be your engagement ring. But as little Lucy opened the wrapping, a blinding light burst through the cracks. A light so bright it forced Jake to squint. 

“Please wake up, honey,” Jake heard your voice clear as day as Lucy opened the ring box to send a piercing white light into the living room. Jake was completely captured by the light around him. So much so the entire room was drowned in a light so pure it was crystal clear. He couldn’t see a single thing beyond the all-encompassing white. 

“Please wake up for us,” again your voice was the only thing Jake could hear in the void he found himself in. 

“Y/n?” Jake called out into the void around him. He could feel his ribcage breaking like he couldn't breathe. Every breath he took was agony. “Hello?” Yet he could hear your voice. A voice he longed for. A voice he had to get back to. Jake had to get to you. 

“I’m here, you’re alright,” Jake once again heard your angelic siren song. His head began to throb. The feeling was agonising. Like there was no more room for swelling. 

“Where are you?” Jake called out as he stumbled in the light. The smell of burning flesh mixed with jet fuel overcame Jake’s senses. His need to get to you was more powerful than the deep bone ache he could feel in his legs. There was nothing on earth or beyond that would stop Jake from getting to wherever the hell you were calling him from. His entire body ached with a pain so unimaginable it sent him to his knees. Crawling, Jake cried out for you just one more time. 

“Y/n!?” Jake called out once more in a desperate attempt to find you in the void. “Kids?” 

“Here he comes,” Bradley’s voice echoed out as Jake looked up towards where he assumed the sky would be. The glare was too much. Jake placed his forearms over his forehead to soften the brightness. “Come on Hangman, don't leave us out to dry.” 

Some people spend their whole lives trying to make a dream come true. They set a goal and make a plan on how to achieve it. It works for some people. But for others, it’s not so easy. As hard as they work toward the dream, it can feel like the whole world has plotted against them. 

As someone gets further and further away from the dream, people begin to cling to any sign of hope. And the longer it takes and the more it costs…you start to consider whether you should give up. Do you find a new dream? Or do you stick to the one that started you on this journey in the first place? 

For Jake, things weren’t as black and white. 

As Jake closed his eyes and took one painful last breath in, he felt as if he’d fallen from cloud nine. When he opened his eyes, the light was still there….But he wasn’t.

Jake’s eyelids fluttered, the faintest hint of light creeping through the haze of his mind. He tried to move, but his body felt foreign as if it wasn’t entirely his own. The weight of unconsciousness clung to him, reluctant to release its hold. Slowly, he became aware of the sounds around him—

“Jake, It’s me, can you hear me?”

**********************

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[sinnettini]

are you catholic? i wouldn't have said so

anon 😭😭 i'm not trying to make fun of you and i'm taking this as a compliment actually but i don't know how to tell you this... i'm literally italian 😭

but seriously, i've grown up catholic yeah, but i don't believe in god and haven't taken part in anything religious in many years. i would say i'm like culturally catholic tho. and technically still catholic to the eyes of the church bc baptism and all that

[moonchild-in-blue]

I need everyone to watch Kaos (from Netflix) right now, please and thank you. Quite possibly my favourite modern retelling of the Greek myths / Olympic pantheon.

The story revolves mainly around Orpheus and Eurydice (Riddy), and around Zeus and a certain not-so-great prophecy. Dionysus is one of our main stars and he's great and amazing and hot and absolutely babygirl.

Yes there are a LOT of references and myths and characters beyond the main Olympians (Zeus' famous kids don't even appear). Yes you see Prometheus having his liver pecked. Yes, we do get to see the Minotaur & Co. Hades and Persephone too, obviously. Yes, there is A TON of great poc and queer rep. Yes, there is blood and sex and violence and poignant society AND religious commentary. Yes, you do get old man yaoi. Yes, Jeff Goldblum as Zeus is incredible and no joke my new favourite portrayal of him (Zeus). Yes, they are faithful to the "doomed from the start" narrative of Orpheus and Eurydice. Yes, Hera does have her peacocks.

Please please please go watch it please it's so great and visually beautiful and amazing. Pirate that thang if you must.

My thoughts whilst watching the show - no plot spoilers but be warned for mild thematic/ character/ setting commentary. Generally safe to read if you haven't watched it yet and don't mind a little preview:

SOUNDTRACK IS WOW. Don't Fear The Reaper? On episode one?? The song I've been listening over and over because of a certain beloved band has made a cover of it???

Love how they portray the worship of gods as something that is part of their daily lives and culture without seeming too "gimmicky".

There are clear parallels to Catholicism in the way they conduct themselves (either in favour or against the gods; all the little rituals and traditions), and it's quite interesting to see how would modern society function if Hellenism (or rather the ancient practices. pls correct me if I'm wrong) were the primary (and as far as I got it only) established religion in the world.

The "Vero" declaration with the hand gesture as part of Olympian liturgy? Amazing. Interesting choice in using Latin rather than Ancient Greek, but very cool nonetheless.

A significant amount of casual mentions of horrifying violent acts by the gods, and even some healthy dose of violence/ blood. Thought it was very interesting to see Zeus discussing infanticide and natural catastrophes the way we discuss the weather or grocery prices. They really leaned heavily into the whole grandeur and arrogance of gods in regards to human life which I super appreciate. I'm tired of seeing passive, Cool and Hip and Benevolent Zeus & Co.

Also the amount of criticism by the god-haters (Blasphemes? Non-sympathisers?) feels very refreshing (and on the nose concerning irl organised religions), especially in contrast with the more devout and how they put their life in second place in lieu of worship (yes I'm thinking about the Tacitas AND the Celebration Ritual™ iykwim).

The subversion of the "doomed from the start" narrative surrounding Orpheus and Eurydice is done so beautifully it hurts. Right from the first moment they appear, you know how it'll go. And yet!!

You know what happens, of course. Their story was never meant have a happy ending. But the way they took that and put a modern spin on it it's just!!!! My heart !!!!

I was rooting for Orpheus the entire time, knowing damn well it was a lost cause. I can't blame Riddy, but my God is it painful to watch. LOVED the actor who played him, he just the right amount of earnest love and rockstar flair. Riddy is SO cool - there's not much I can say beyond that that isn't a spoiler but. Yeah. We love complex female characters.

I'm gonna be really petty and pedantic here, but for a show revolving GREEK mythology, set in Olympia / Krete, with sooo many little references to the myths, it is CRIMINAL that they insist on calling Heracles by his roman name (Hercules), and that they refer to Hades as God "Of Death" instead of God "Of The Dead" / King Of The Dead. There's a major difference there - Thanatos would like a word.

Troytown? Where the Trojan refugees (displaced war victims really) are *literally* segregated to (their exact words, segregation), and even use those nose lines/tattoos as way to identify them? Where they face scrutiny and police brutality and prejudice from the Kreteans? As a clear reference to minority poc urban areas and how they are unfairly mistreated and deemed as "others" by the same governments who put them there in the first place??? YES YES YES.

A lot of queer and poc rep. And I mean A LOT. The Fates alone are a whole vibe.

Again, it doesn't feel gimmicky at all, nor does it fall under the "okay they're definitely trying to hit all the quotas so everybody is gay and ethnic and uses neo-pronouns" trend some media are starting to follow, which really just end up falling flat rather than significant (looking at you Sex Ed 4). An actual diversity win.

If you're familiar with the story of Caeneus, you'll love how they portrayed him here.

Dionysus is everything and some more. I love him. Prometheus is incredible. Jeff Goldblum as Zeus goes above and beyond expectations - he brings that Goldblum Flair™ but with an intense violence and paranoia you could only pull off as King of the Gods. Hera is just wow, truly a queen.

Hades and Persephone have an *interesting* dynamic - have never seen him being portrayed like that before. Usually Hades and Persie are the "dom goth Mommy and Daddy" of mythology retellings, and yet here it's completely different. Certainly *A Choice*. I don't mind Hades, but would've liked to see "goddess of spring & dreaded" Persephone.

I understood the vision, but I don't think it worked *quite* as well as the other ones. She's still super cool nonetheless - that sandwich scene was incredible.

Also - VERY COOL how diverse the actors are. With the exception of Dionysus who is objectively Young and Hot, pretty much all the other gods (and adjacent) are middle-aged or up, with visible signs of aging (grey hairs, wrinkles, sagging skin, belly fat, etc), which is cool cus usually the gods are made to be a specific flavour of "hot".

The Furies, who could've been all snatched and sexy and token Femme Fatale characters, are actually older butch women with mean lesbian energy and I think that's very cool and awesome and wonderful.

Even the human cast is so diverse and interesting and REAL, rather than yet another yassified ensemble - it's great to see. Not everyone is conventionally hot and attractive, and THAT is sexy af.

All the little Easter eggs and references to the myths and general ancient Greece culture are SO nice to see. I giggled when Polyphemus first appeared. That first scene on the cereal aisle was very funny. Gagged at Cassandra.

Stylistic choice of the Underworld environment and on-camera portrayal is chef's kiss. That's all I'll say.

LABYRINTH AND DAEDALUS YES. Would smash the Minotaur, 1000%. That Scene™ was. Hmmmmm yeah.

Overall I loved it and high key might re-watch it again. What an amazing show. This was a win for all of us Greek Myth nerds, and I'll be truly devastated if Netflix doesn't renew it for a second season.

[bhajanmandalilucknow]

Jagran/Chowki Group in Bhinga Bahraich

"Sargam Jagran Party" is the best in Jagran, Chowki, Bhajan & Sai Sandhya, Khatu Shyam Bhajan, Ladies Sangeet & all Devotee type program in Lucknow, UP, India. ☎+91-9919805315. "Sargam Jagran Party" has been conducting Mata ki Chowki, Mata ka Jagran and Bhajan Sandya from last 10 years with lots of memories and with great success.Blessing of God and Goddess is needed to overcome every rough course of life. Everyone should conduct Mata Ki Chowki and Mata Ka Jagran to get blessing and her devine power and all the needs to be fulfilled.

" Sargam Jagran Party" is very much devotional event organiser, as it is done with full devotion and respect towards the God. The work of the "Sargam Jagran Party" has been appreciated and acknowledged in many State Newspaper like: UP, Bihar, Rajsthan and Hariyana etc. At the very first place it was started with the same group but, now it has expand upto 30 plus people. All the facilities are provide which are needed to conduct Mata ki Chowki, Mata ka Jagran and Bhajan sandhya like: Singer's, Instruments, Sound facility, Jhanki etc. We are often called by the people again and again who have used our services.

Any religious theme song or song related to God is refers to Bhajan which literaly means "sharing". No specific set or rules are describing for Bhajan, it is a free form of singing based on the devotee how they conduct it. According to Hinduism Bhakti, Kirtan and Bhajan all these three are connected with the vedic era specially Samaveda. Semaveda is meant to sing like a musical score which should be heard. The main motive behind conducting this��Bhajan Shandya is to receive blessing of God's. Bhajan also helps to maintain possitive environment around one's selves and wish to get all their dreams fulfilled. In this singer sungs the religious song which gives the feeling to connect everyone with the God. Bhajan has been done generally at the evening time which takes max to max 3 to 4 hours. Pooja has been done by the devotee and the first stage and after that Aarti takes place and at last prasad has been distributed at last, with all this we came to the end of the Bhajan

With the grace of God and good wishes of devotees, our team of Sargam Jagran Party are growing day by day. Now we can count us as one of the best Spiritual event organiser party in the UP state. Our Balaji Jagran very famous in LKO and Outer Areas. We have done a no of Balaji Jagrans most of the cities in Up and we got very nice compliments too. Balaji Jangran is the story of Ramayan’s Sundarkand where whole story is based on Lord Hanuman and their Lanka Visit. We organises the whole event in such a way that you can feel the event in reality with a lots of emotions. You will find yourself connecting with the God. Our Sargam jagran Team always take care our devotees on every single step of the event and organise the all things in such a way that you will find 100% satisfaction from us within your decided parameter of budget. So Please give one chance when you are making plan of Balaji jagran.

Sai Baba is one of the most famous and kind hearted lord of Hindus and Muslims both. Hindus and Muslims both religion devotees are bending their heads on Sai’s royal court. For such kind hearted Lord, we are doing special bhajan and kirtans or Sai Sandhya. Multiple places in UP we did Sai Sandhya’s. From a long time, we providing Sai Sandhya services to our Sai devotees in Lko and other cities of UP. We know that Sai Kirtan playing a very vital role in our Sai devotee’s life, they have special affection and love towards their Sai Baba on every steps of life. We always being take care of your emotions for Sai BABA. We doing all the the work that is necessary to make your Sai Sandhya evergreen or long term memorable. We have a very simple mission that is make the event very special for our Sai devotees and they can remember us for life time therefore we always sargam Jagran party always gives their 100% in Every spiritual event. We become one of the best Jagran party in the Up. So If you are thinking about Sai Sandhya so please once contact us.

[silverity]

i do not frame nature as "mystical" nor do i separate science and nature the way you do. to be in tune with the world around us, to understand the land, is to be in tune with the science of the world. the women of early matrilineal societies were early chemists, healers, crafters, botanists. only through study and observation of the world around you can you innovate and create. so in saying a peoples were connected to nature, i'm also saying they were scientists :) even if only an early form of science using an imperfect scientific method. & many colonized peoples (including peoples we would consider "white" today) lost their knowledge and customs to colonialism and the imposition of Christianity. i do find the devaluation of the reclamation of our cultural heritage as "mysticism" to be rooted in racist attitudes. you've chosen to label that as mystical, i did not. i said it was culture.

culture, community and celebration are all features of various religions and spiritual practices. i can see the benefit of these elements for those who choose to engage with spirituality whether they believe totally in a metaphysical existence or not, especially in a feminist context. nobody's trying to ban any atheists from hiking or saying they're not able to *truly* appreciate nature. we're saying there are some who characterise their connection to nature as a form of spirituality. do we not colloquially refer to things as a "spiritual experience" due to the depth and intensity of emotion that experience brought on? for me, this is how i understand spirituality.

i saw another radfem make a great post opposing spirituality bc of her awe, passion and curiosity for physics. is it weird that this *is* how i see spirituality? i feel so much wonder at the universe. spirituality for me is this human feeling of connection to nature, the world, and the universe beyond. but also recognition that humans have a limited capacity for understanding the universe around us. there may be multiple dimensions that we are not able to perceive because human beings are only three-dimensional beings, things on that level. spirituality is merely the feeling of recognising a thing we cannot yet explain. it's also the feeling of learning about the things we can explain, because things like star collisions and the existence of other universes feel pretty sublime to me.

do i think magic genuinely exists? no, i think magic historically has always meant the things we cannot yet explain, if we ever will. spirituality doesn't have to be anti-scientific or anti-material (if anything i think celebrating the world around us is very material) and i don't think there is anything present in nature-based or female-centric spirituality that contradicts modern day established scientific concepts (so i disagree with the comparisons to gender ideology & organised religion). ultimately i don't think nature and the concept of magic are all that divorced from science as some are trying to claim. science is an explanation of nature, magic and deities were our explanation before we'd developed the science. nobody here is talking about believing in magic over science so i do not see how practicing spirituality, as i've explained it, is incompatible with science.

and i do not mean the Greeks or the Romans when i say early societies, by the way. i mean the matrilineal societies that predate even the earliest forms of written law, that spawned polytheistic goddess worship in tandem with the natural rhythms of life. of course there were civilisations with harmful practices, since there was no one way of life. but i am talking specifically about societies that predated empires and slavery. there's varying research as to how sexually equal these matrifocal societies were, (all a bit too much to get into and this post is long enough) but they were certainly not patriarchies. i think the evidence supporting their sustainability is how many of these indigenous customs have persevered and survived even colonialism.

& finally, i think the only way to try to mitigate the worst effects of the impending climate catastrophe is a complete reorganisation of the economy around collective, sustainable production & distribution. science and technology will of course aid us but it will take a radical change in the way we live as human beings everywhere on the planet to slow down what has already unfortunately begun. we need to recultivate a respect for life and nature again. so, women dancing about nude in the woods can't hurt.

i'm gonna make my painful contribution to The Discourse and say i do not see the harm in women reclaiming female centric spirituality.

i am not a religious person nor do i want to become one but spirituality is also about culture, community and celebration. i would much rather women celebrate nature, the female form, and "divine femininity" than patriarchal phallocentric religions. that "divine femininity" is used pejoratively has always tickled me considering we live in a world hooked on divine masculinity. the old matricentric religions are really the only form of female culture devoid of male-centric worship we can grasp at, since men have dominated our belief systems for thousands of years. and women learning about the old religions is the best way to unravel the myth of the male creator, and realise it is really women who are the closest thing to a "god" on Earth.

there's also an element here, which i think is deeply capitalist, patriarchal, and a little racist, of people considering the connection to & celebration of nature as somehow primitive. i think that the lifestyles most of us live now, with none of us knowing anything about the land around us is actually very infantile and regressive for humanity as a whole. the ways of life we consider "primitive" (primitive communism, matrilineal societies) are really what we need to find ways to return to post-capitalism. they were in tune to nature, sustainable, and much more communal & equal. how can nature be primitive or ascientific when science *is* in nature, and the practices of these old societies were early scientific discoveries & practices. as a Black person, my community is often trying to reclaim our lost practices. it makes sense to me that women would try to do so too.

[csuitebitches]

On your becoming more well read: what are some reliable somewhat accurate news apps you’d recommend? Also can you make a post on books to read?

The reality is that no media is fully reliable. There’s no such thing as fully accurate reporting. The best we can do is read everything with a pinch of salt.

The next bit could be a little controversial but it is something everyone needs to hear.

In order to form opinions, you must be able to read and consume all sides and spectrums.

That means reading left wing AND right wing news, no matter how aggravating either are.

You can’t tell good journalism from bad journalism unless and until you’ve experienced both. The same way, you cannot form opinions about a certain topic until you’ve seen all major sides to the topic.

Having said that:

News:

* Annual Review (website) : academic articles, short academic articles, popular articles

* CNA Luxury (website) : all things lifestyle, luxury, fashion, food, living

* BBC

* CNN

* Fox News

* Medium (for personal opinions and weird reads)

* Bloomberg

* Wall Street journal

* Yahoo finance

* New York Times

* Google news app (great if you want to quickly consume news without spending too much time)

* The rest are specific to my native country and my native language

Newsletters:

* Bloomberg open and close (markets and finance)

* Emerging tech brew (technology)

* Morningbrew

* CFO brew (because I’m interested in finance)

* Seedtable (this is the best newsletter you could subscribe to if you wanted to subscribe to just one. It’s business and entrepreneurship related but it’s very diverse- biotech, healthcare, money… it’s fabulous. A man called Gonz Sanchez sends the newsletter).

* A couple of others which are personal and selective because I belong to a certain HNI business organisation because of my family

Being well read doesn’t just meaning the act of reading in today’s world. You have to know things, people and communities.

Other methods:

I’m constantly on the look out for events, conferences and networking opportunities. Regardless of whether it’s virtual or in person (I appreciate both). The said organisation I’m a part of arranges some of the best, most influential personalities in the world to come and talk (I attended a business conference where Mona Kattan spoke; another one where Terry Crews spoke about failures; so you get my point about how big these things are).

If you don’t know where to start, I’d say start with asking your bank. Banks in my country tend to host events, lectures and conferences and as your account grows, your access to selective conferences gets stronger.

Another avenue is work; college; university, you know the usual. Ask your boss if they know of any work related conferences happening.

Look up online to see what’s happening as well in your city. Museums often host events too.

Try attending a wide range of events - art, classical music, finance, motivational speaking, history, religion - it will shape you up a lot.

Charity/ volunteer work is another solid way. You need to interact with a lot of people. Choose what you truly like - is it nature, animals, children, old people, education? Do what you gravitate to naturally. And do it because you genuinely want to help, not just for networking and brownie points.

And I’ll definitely make a reading list sometime :)

Edit: I’ve created a free newsletter with the intention of making you well-read with minimal effort on your side. Sign up here! Launch: 8th January 2023.

[hacash]

i know you've already done beard for hcs but it made me curious about your take on beard and religion? also (or alternatively!) keeley and her frienship with nate? like what is her point of view of it? love to hear your thoughts on them 🤗

Ooh! I mean…I think Beard does believe in some sort of God or higher power or whatever, as indicated by him praying at the end of Beard After Hours, but I don’t think he’d be a fan of organised religion. I can imagine him having a sort of…professional courtesy for God, believing in a deity but in a sort of ‘I respect your work in the creation of mountains and the jellyfish; for the most part I’ll do my thing and you’ll do yours’ sort of way. Although, as we saw in that episode, he does turn to prayer when he’s in extremis.

(As a teenager I had a Philosophy and Ethics teacher who did have a faith in God but couldn’t stand organised religion - he said he went to Quaker meetings twice a month to practice patience and calmness, and a really High Anglican Church twice a month to practice self control, as everything the priest said made him want to punch the guy in the nose. I can imagine Beard doing something like that :))

As for Keeley and Nate - adding to the list of ‘people who love Nate when he doesn’t realise it’, I think Keeley is really fond of Nate. Keeley was probably one of the popular crowd in school, and now in her job is surrounded by lovely but very jock-y/sport-y/testosterone-y blokes, and I think it must be a breath of fresh air to be friends with someone who’s so...not like that.

I think due to her inherent kindness Keeley took an interest in Nate straight away - it’s notable she knows his full name and feels comfortable chatting with him and complementing him while she was still dating Jamie and before she started working at Richmond! Which leads to the question of when they had a chance to hang out - I think in her forays into the Richmond locker room she would have paused to chat with Nate, asking how he was doing and what he was up to that weekend, etc...which would have just left Nate with a full-on deer-in-the-headlights reaction in response. (But also, unlike the Richmond players who were very appreciatively wolf-whistly when Keeley used to come into the lockerroom in season 1, I think Nate would have been very nervously polite and never dreaming of being even remotely flirty, which I think Keeley would have appreciated.)

I am of the opinion that Nate has always sort of...idealised and looked up to Keeley for her kindness and her glamour, but that didn’t process into full-blown romantic crush until the moment of madness in the locker room when he saw how much they had in common and promptly lost his head. Because of that, I think Keeley knows when guys are into her, and I think she really liked having a male friend who wasn’t into her and she could just hang out with without any pressure or anxieties about mixed signals. (I also think that’s why Keeley was so quick to forgive Nate for kissing her - she could tell that was a fleeting ‘lost his head’ moment, not a ‘he’s been pretending to be my friend but trying to get something more for months’ moment.) I like the idea that when Nate’s managed to get his head screwed on properly, Keeley and Nate can go back to have an easy, healthy friendship - maybe bonding over being great aunts/uncles, maybe Nate encouraging Keeley in her professional ambitions and Keeley giving Nate fashion advice, things like that.

Headcanon Meme!

[booksandwords]

Autoboyography by Christina Lauren

Read time: 2 Days Rating: 4/5

The quote: This is how we reveal ourselves: these tiny flashes of discomfort, the reactions we can’t hide. — Tanner Scott

Autoboyography is a wonderful book that enjoys a lot of praise. I really enjoyed it. This review ended up being quite lengthy. I have chosen to focus largely on the characters of Autoboyography which I really appreciated. This is a well thought out and designed story, intended to provoke thought in readers. Not just about religion and relationships but maybe about themselves a bit. It deals with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints referred to as LDS with at least some dignity, more than is normal.

The opening is great, a walk through the relevant parts of Tanner's life and clarification on the LDS. Some stereotypes are displayed, these are still high school students. The LDS we all think of are those on their Mission. The pacing of the plot is at least reasonable, it fits the relationship. Especially after the line "You've always led with your heart first and your heart second, but I need you to think about this one." (Jenna to Tanner, p 100). There are a couple of moments that are questionable. A convenient change in the enrolment numbers for the Seminar (14 to 15), one frequently mentioned moments comes to nothing. The plot is described as Tanner falling in love with Sebastian, which just feels right it really is that simple and that complicated. The ending feels right. An HFN was almost certain but it was the journey that I was unsure of and really enjoyed.

Characters are multidimensional and of their circumstances. With Emily and Jenna wholly distrustful to the point of nearly hating LDS due to their previous experiences with it. Paul knows what could have been and knows the situation his son his in, as well as his familial history having a role to play. Due to the differences between the families, Tanner and Sebastian don't face the same concerns or restrictions within their relationship, though both have the same source to a degree. Tanner's family objects to Sebastian's religion. Sebastian's family stringently objects to same-sex relationships. Autoboyography is one of those books that shows love in multiple forms. Familial, in different forms. Romantic between the protagonists, it's complicated and messy. Platonic between friends and unrequited love as well. Autoboyography has some wonderful quotes about love, faith, family and friendship.

Tanner 'Tann' Scott is a bi, senior and transplant to Provo, Utah from Palo Alto, California, a move that put him firmly back in the closet. Even his best friend, the brilliant Autumn doesn't know his true sexuality. His parents are extremely supportive of his sexuality but don't want him to get hurt in the very Mormon town he now lives in. His subject strengths are in the math/science stream. he's an honors student essentially with his pick of universities. After accepting a challenge to join the Seminar, a semester-long book writing course he is introduced to local celebrity Sebastian Brother. Tann's attraction to Sebastian is instantaneous  "His smile ruins me." (Tanner, p 22) which is a great line, I remember being bowled over like that. His fast movement from infatuation to love is interesting to read. Tanner is helpless to resist even though he knows he should (Sebastian is in the same position there). His coping mechanisms are sometimes healthy, sometimes destructive, reading both in the same character added a great depth. I quite like Tanner, because of how this book his written I could feel his anger and pain.

Sebastian 'Seb' Brother is a published author tutoring the Seminar Tan is in. After the semester is over he goes on book tour than on his two year Mission. While he is attracted to men, he doesn't identify as gay. His father is the local Bishop as such his family are expected to lead by example in both word and deed. Seb's family are very welcoming and accepting of Tann when they meet him. Sebastian's experimentation and reluctance to label (and hair-splitting) were extremely off-putting. I've been known to DNF a book for less, despite what I said earlier, that was more about Tann's reaction rather than Seb's choices. "I'm not gay, I'm not straight, I'm me" (Sebastian, p 224). The very thing that makes him off-putting makes him a great character, it's the circumstances and expectation (familial and communal) that make the person. He also has a hidden passion that is shown only at the right times but it was definitely needed, and it, not a small streak either.

In the support cast, there is a standout. Auddy. Autumn Summer Green. Tann's best friend, she is ride or die but with a complication. Those unhealthy coping mechanisms I was mentioning, they relate to her. My one question about her is how can she be so beautiful and accepting of everything that happens? It's not passivity she's just a really well written best friend. But Tann's family are great. There is a lot going on there. Full acceptance of Tann's sexuality, but wanting to protect him from the pain they experienced. "How would this be any different from his parents saying guys are off-limits?" "It's completely different. Among a hundred other reasons, going to church is a choice.. Being bisexual is simply who you are I'm protecting you from the toxic messages of the church." (Tanner and Jenna, p 99).

One of the minor problematic elements in Autoboyography is a sense of abuse between Tanner and Sebastian. It's psychological, not physical and it called out but not in words. Some people won't have an issue with it due to the context but I did. Your identity is your own if Sebastian (or a real-life person) wants to live their life according to a religious doctrine rather that is their prerogative. There is of course the larger issues of homophobia. The LDS elements may be an issue for some readers. It is core to the plot and cannot be ignored. Those with a particular issue or history with such religions/ doctrines/ cults should read with care. I make no judgements on organised religion here.

Reading the acknowledgements I read something interesting. "We started talking about this book years ago; Cristina worked in a junior high counselling office in Utah, and Saw teen after teen coming through who honestly believed, devastatingly, that their parents would probably rather have a dead child than a gay one. As a woman who grew up bi in the queer-friendly world of the Bay-Area, Lauren felt a social obligation to reach out to teens whose experiences weren't as easy". I like that this is where Autoboyography came from. Built on their experiences with at-risk teens. Given this was the source of the idea I love the inclusion a resource section. The Song of Achilles is entirely unsurprisingly, it is hugely popular and stunning. Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe has been on my tbr for far too long. The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert is an absolute classic and is also a brilliant stage musical. LGBTQ Reads I'd never heard of but it's really good. If I may add my own recommendations; The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee (it's my purple pride book) and Cemetry Boys by Aiden Thomas (own voice Trans POC).

[academiadaisies]

my struggles with studying

I don’t expect a lot of people to read this, and I’ll probably end up embarrassed to have typed this all up and posted it by tomorrow, but I think it’s important for me to get this out and away from myself.

I appreciate anyone who reads this, and welcome completely anyone who is/has been in a similar situation to me and wants to talk about it or has some tips. I don’t have a lot of people to talk to about it, I definitely feel like anyone I’m close to will not be a lot of help, and I don’t want to be a mental burden, with them knowing my problem, wanting to help, but not knowing what to do, and blah blah blah... Just know, anyone is completely welcome to reach out to me. I know a lot of people say that online, but I’m just a little cancer moon, cancer rising ;). I’ve got ears and struggles too. Sometimes things are difficult. :)) <3

School has always been my demise. I was basically a corpse just going class to class, making little contribution and writing down what the powerpoint said. I would zone out - not realising at all, come back to myself and suddenly the whole class was doing work, and I would have to swallow my pride, interrupt the person next to me and ask what we were supposed to do.

But my nights were wasted too. I guess I was never really taught to study, and everything I had tried for myself never seemed to work. But I didn’t try often. I remember coming home and turning on my computer to watch the next episodes of my show of the week, my mind in a dull and empty buzz, and next thing I knew it was midnight.

Growing up there was no schedule or routine. No one was really checking I had done my homework, no one checking I was showered or that I had brushed hair. There were no rules either. No specific screen time, no food rules, no bedtime. I know why, my mum was a very hard worker, having a daughter, a job, and university, and I am so grateful for her. She was busy. But it just meant I never knew much discipline. There was no structure, but I wasn’t forgotten. There was no food in the house, but there was money, and I - having no sense of diet - would spend more than was good for me on junk; a six pack of crisps a day, frozen pizza... and today that has never ended, it’s something of an addiction now. The lack of restraint and discipline is apparent everywhere in my life.

In school is where it is at it’s absolute worst. It’s not even an issue of my intelligence. The absolute last thing I want to come across as is conceited, but I did better than I deserved my first two years of high school exams having never studied for them, except maybe a bit of rereading and desperate attempts to memorise the night before. I passed everything, bar one, and sometimes with A’s.

But last year was inarguably my worst year ever, and it has bled into this year too. My attendance was below 50%, I came in maybe two or three days a week, sometimes only finally getting the motivation to show up in the afternoon, and even then I would hide away in pupil support classes, still not doing any work. My mum phoning me and screaming down the line as soon as she got the absent text. Me not knowing how to explain that I just couldn’t physically force myself to get up and ready. I started with 5 subjects and finished with 2, both of which I initially failed, but those grades were redacted because people argued the SQA were not grading fairly, basing grades on location instead of merit, and so I scraped by with two C’s. I absolutely would not have passed if not for the pandemic.

This year is hard to tell where I would be in a normal situation. I like to believe it was going to be so much better. The idea of leaving high school and entering college*. It was a fresh start. I was supposed to get my work done the day it was handed out, I was supposed to be more extroverted, and become a leader like I always wanted. But, of course, it’s all online. I think a major benefit of it is I don’t have much excuse not to be in class anymore. I can (and usually do) wake up minutes before the class starts, and do it all from bed, so if I was left to my own devices to get myself there and back, I’d bet my attendance has skyrocketed from what I it would have been. Though, my college is quite far, and I think my mum seeing to that I was on a bus, or even not in the house when she has to leave, would have been enough to ensure I was there too. If it was in person I would have no where to hide too. I wouldn’t get to have my camera off and play games during classes and not take notes, the lecturers would see. I’d have to take notes and I don’t usually do that. I wish I had. But then that just begs the question of would it be a repeat of high school? Would I be a corpse that goes through college classes blankly instead of high school ones? I really don’t know what to think. But today my college work is suffering. I have seven vital pieces of work long overdue, and I think the weight of all of them on my brain stops me from doing even one.

*If you’re not familiar with the system here, college is basically a stage after high school but below university in Scotland, that not everybody goes to. I’m not sure the school systems everywhere in the world but it’s not the equivalent of sixth form college in England, or what’s called college in the US, which would be university here. I’m sorry if this sounds dumb because there’s probably this everywhere in the world but I just want to clarify what stage I’m at exactly. I’m taking a HNC which is kind of the equivalent of first year university.

And so it leads me to believe I have ADD/ADHD. I really am not about to self diagnose. Although it might be enough for some, I often worry I’m a bit of a paranoid person, and that I like to jump to the most “extreme” conclusions, but I don’t think my livelihood makes it totally unlikely.

I find myself devoting my time and what motivation I have to things that just don’t matter. I’ve memorised maps of the US, Europe, Scotland and Ireland. I took up interests in religion and astrology, buying crystals as if they were coming to save me like all the TikToks say. I’ve taught myself bits of piano, British Sign Language, chess, Teeline shorthand and Morse code, just to give up. I even made it to 100 days on Duolingo learning Scottish Gaelic before I stopped that too. Engrossed in wide varieties of things that I’d love to be great at, abandoning it because I’ve decided I’m bored.

But the worst waste of my time is always spent on my phone. I am a huge advocate for downtime, not every single second has to be productive. But it’s never good to have a 12 hour daily screen time average.

I can never concentrate either. I can’t force myself to. As I write this I have an essay due I’ve had for a month, and I’m going to have to do it all tomorrow. I don’t understand why I can’t physically force myself to get it done. I always think, “why am I on TikTok when I have an essay due?” And I never really have a reason. Even my driving instructor told me to get tested because, especially nearing the end of the lessons, my attention starts to waver, and I find her having to change gears for me sometimes, and warning me to stop looking at whatever might pass by.

I have a little list of priorities in my mind too. I keep reminding myself that I have this essay and this assignment to do, but I also have ideas of starting a blog or reading a book. The school work is first in the list of priorities, I know it needs to be done first and so I take it to the extreme and can’t seem to do anything meaningful at all until it’s gone. Of course, it never is gone, I never do it, and I find myself scrolling social medias all day, a perfectly anodyne time waster. No substance and no thoughts.

But I’m a perfectionist too, with very little confidence. I can tell part of me puts it off because it needs to be as good as it possibly can be, and another part tells me I’ll start it later, I’ll feel better about it later. I have big ideas, that if only I could force myself to do, would be great, but the idea of it not being good enough only puts me off. I’d not do the work until it’s at the point where the excuse is “it’s only bad because I didn’t give myself enough time to do it,” because of the fear of the possibility “it’s bad because I’m bad at it.”

Part of my inability to really do anything I think also had to do with depression. ADD/ADHD makes my life chaos. My room is a mess, there is no organisation or structure in my day, there is no motivation to fix it, no understanding of how to fix it. I’m a very intuitive person, because I have to be. Any decision I make is unknown to me until it’s happening really. I can’t plan when I’m starting work, sometimes I just have to hope I get the motivation to open my laptop. I think depression feeds off the ADD/ADHD symptoms. My room is messy because I can’t be organised, then my mindset worsens because I have such a terrible, unlivable space with no motivation to do anything about it, and it just stays that way. I can’t concentrate long enough to do work, then my mindset worsens because it means I have work overdue, that will have bad consequences, people disappointed in me, and etc, etc. I’m sorry, I don’t think I’m articulating myself well here. I’m intuitive in decisions but I’m also an overthinker. Or maybe just more of a worrier. I don’t do the work and so, every time my phone pings I jump and check cautiously because I fear it’s my lecturer messaging me that I’m off the course. The depression really took a terrible toll on my life. I won’t get too into it but I can hardly talk to friends, find the motivation to shower, or even go outside. All I find myself doing is lying in bed staring at a screen. I don’t know what else I can really do about it.

And the worst part is, in my mind, I have myself convinced that it’s not even that bad. That it’ll be okay tomorrow, I’ll change tomorrow, as if I’m not long past the point of this just being a little off day.

But one thing I do I know is a symptom of ADD/ADHD, which consumes my whole mind, is my hyperfixation. I won’t go too deep but basically for just over a year it’s been an honestly unsubstantial book I read. Loved by many, but nothing special, in comparison. I’ve only read it maybe twice all the way through but it never leaves my mind. I relish in any and all fan works, stalking the ao3 works, refreshing the tumblr tag. I can just stand and jump and pace, while listening to one song on repeat, thinking about the characters in all kinds of scenarios for hours on end. I can imagine the main character as me in everything I do; as I pick up a book from my bookshelf, as I walk my dog, as I lay down at night. I constantly compare myself to him too, feeling bad that I’m not as similar or good. I hate it. I don’t know if I even like the book anymore, I don’t think it’s possible to tell, I’m just obsessed with it.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it really. The NHS don’t diagnose ADHD in adults, and I’m only 18. I’ve been this way my whole life but no one ever paid much attention to it. When I told my mum I think I have depression, she laughed at me, then got really angry, saying I’m not depressed just lazy, before buying me flowers and telling me she was worried I was going to hurt myself. Now I feel like I can’t speak about anything serious like this rationally because she looks for every reason that there is no problem, and if there is it’s the worst possible case, and “oh I’ve been a terrible mum.”

I don’t understand my problem. I have big dreams and goals for my life, I know what I am doing now will never get me anywhere but still that knowledge is not enough to get me to do what I need to. I’ve even written this post over eight days, for all the distractions and lack of motivation I’ve had to finish it. It’s a never ending cycle, but I really hope having this out there now will spark something in me. I’m sure this will make someone feel better about their situation now too, and that’s totally okay! If it can help someone, right? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’m sorry I probably brought up a lot of completely irrelevant stuff, and went into tangents at times, but I just wanted to stress how it all plays into each other. They’re all connected, which brings a lack of motivation and discipline to my life and my work. I just want to let it all go.

Again, I really don’t think many people will read this but anyone is completely welcome to message. If anyone has some tips for people who can just never concentrate, or also anyone who is in social sciencey type courses (psychology, sociology, politics esp) and has some tips for doing that too I’d be so grateful. :) <3 (also this is a repost because I tried posting last night but it wouldn’t go to the tag, hope it works this time)

[bhajanmandalilucknow]

Radha Krishna Jhanki Group in Bakharaijee Gorakhpur

"Sargam Jagran Party" is the best in Jagran, Chowki, Bhajan & Sai Sandhya, Khatu Shyam Bhajan, Ladies Sangeet & all Devotee type program in Lucknow, UP, India. ☎+91-9919805315. "Sargam Jagran Party" has been conducting Mata ki Chowki, Mata ka Jagran and Bhajan Sandya from last 10 years with lots of memories and with great success.Blessing of God and Goddess is needed to overcome every rough course of life. Everyone should conduct Mata Ki Chowki and Mata Ka Jagran to get blessing and her devine power and all the needs to be fulfilled.

been appreciated and acknowledged in many State Newspaper like: UP, Bihar, Rajsthan and Hariyana etc. At the very first place it was started with the same group but, now it has expand upto 30 plus people. All the facilities are provide which are needed to conduct Mata ki Chowki, Mata ka Jagran and Bhajan sandhya like: Singer's, Instruments, Sound facility, Jhanki etc. We are often called by the people again and again who have used our services.

Poeple mostly like to call us at the time of Weeding, Engagement, Birthdays, Anniversaries or during Ganpati Pooja and Navratri festivals and we promised to serve a memorable Jagran or Chowki. Working for over a decades, we are having the experience to make it more devotional and memorable when we organised it. Our party has experienced chorus group, vocalist, musicians and artists which are required to make it successful. Its main origin is based in Lucknow and we operate almost all the States in India. Pooja Sargam is the Director and also a Lead Singer of the "Sargam Jagran Party" organiser. Starting from the Pooja Aarti to the Bhog or Prasad everything is done by our organie team.

From last 10 years we are providing the best Mata Ki Chowki, Mata Ka Jagran and Bhajan Sandhya also currently dealing in the Lucknow (Uttar Pradesh) and to the another State's.

So next time whenever you are planing to conduct Mata Ki Chowki, Mata Ka Jagran and Bhajan Sandhya, make sure to contact us and make your spiritual experience more devotional and delightfull.

Mata ki chowki represent the ancient culture of Hinduism society. Mata ki chowki means praising the stories of Gods life time experiences in the form of singing. It is generally sung in Sanskrit and Hindi. It is a devotional programme conducted specially for occasions like Weeding, Engagement, Birthdays, Anniversaries or during Ganpati Pooja and Navratri festivals. In Mata ki Chowki Short time kirtan is conducted in Mata Ki Chowki and it is mostly for 4 to 5 hours. Prayee devote their respect through their prayers in the form of singing. Garlands and Matajis bhet (red color chunni) coconut and shingar with bheta. After that Aarti is done by the devotee who has kept Mata Ki Chowki. Bhog Prasad to Mataji of Kher has been offered followed by Amrit Varsha and Phoolon Ki Varsha of flowers and petals. At last prasand is shared to all people who have been there as the samapti of Mata Ki CHowki.

Sai Baba is one of the most famous and kind hearted lord of Hindus and Muslims both. Hindus and Muslims both religion devotees are bending their heads on Sai’s royal court. For such kind hearted Lord, we are doing special bhajan and kirtans or Sai Sandhya. Multiple places in UP we did Sai Sandhya’s. From a long time, we providing Sai Sandhya services to our Sai devotees in Lko and other cities of UP. We know that Sai Kirtan playing a very vital role in our Sai devotee’s life, they have special affection and love towards their Sai Baba on every steps of life. We always being take care of your emotions for Sai BABA. We doing all the the work that is necessary to make your Sai Sandhya evergreen or long term memorable. We have a very simple mission that is make the event very special for our Sai devotees and they can remember us for life time therefore we always sargam Jagran party always gives their 100% in Every spiritual event. We become one of the best Jagran party in the Up. So If you are thinking about Sai Sandhya so please once contact us.

With the grace of God and good wishes of devotees, our team of Sargam Jagran Party are growing day by day. Now we can count us as one of the best Spiritual event organiser party in the UP state. Our Balaji Jagran very famous in LKO and Outer Areas. We have done a no of Balaji Jagrans most of the cities in Up and we got very nice compliments too. Balaji Jangran is the story of Ramayan’s Sundarkand where whole story is based on Lord Hanuman and their Lanka Visit. We organises the whole event in such a way that you can feel the event in reality with a lots of emotions. You will find yourself connecting with the God. Our Sargam jagran Team always take care our devotees on every single step of the event and organise the all things in such a way that you will find 100% satisfaction from us within your decided parameter of budget. So Please give one chance when you are making plan of Balaji jagran.

[noconcernofyours]

Pinning Down My Kind of Movie

Warning: Wanky, self-indulgent ramblings about Hollywood auteurs to follow

A couple of days ago, I sat down with my housemate to watch Miami Vice (2006) directed by Michael Mann (Heat, Collateral) and starring Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx. Since we moved into our place, my housemate has gradually been exposed to my taste in movies, and the other day, sat in front of a strung-out Colin Farrell ordering mojitos to ‘Numb/Encore’ during an undercover sting, he finally confronted me with a crisis-inducing statement: “You know, I can’t figure out what your kind of movie is.”

If I am to be totally honest, it doesn’t take much to send me into an existential tailspin, but this observation got me thinking enough to want to sit down and write about it, so here we are. My name’s Daniel and I love movies! When I was a teenager, I was certain I wanted to be a film critic, so I started writing in earnest. The problem was I wasn’t that well rounded as a viewer. I confined myself to the world of comic book movies and Disney animation. I turned my nose up at pretty much everything else before realising that I didn’t actually know much or have much to offer about film. Instead, I turned to music criticism because that’s where my knowledge base is.

That being said, I still loved movies, and as the years have gone on, I have been rapidly expanding my film knowledge and broadened my horizons extensively. I got called a “film buff” for the first time recently, which really shocked me. I still don’t feel well-watched enough, or knowledgeable enough to fit a moniker like that. Maybe it’s imposter syndrome, but I really feel like I have a way to go yet.

My Letterboxd bio includes the phrase “admirer of film nerds”, and I think that admiration informs the entire way I look at the world of film. I read a lot of reviews and listen to a lot of podcasts by smart, unpretentious film obsessives like David Sims, Griffin Newman, Katey Rich, Karen Han and Bilge Ebiri, but that same admiration also informs the kind of films I enjoy the most. In confronting the statement from my housemate, I realised that while there are some genres I gravitate to more than others, my taste in movies is largely defined by the extent to which I can pick up on a single authorial voice driving the film. A director, writer, actor, composer or cinematographer who has a real, obsessive love for their craft whose influence and personality can be felt in every layer of a film’s construction. Franchises are a different beast, but it’s usually the entries in a franchise that feel like passion projects for individual filmmakers that I love the most, which is why Iron Man 3 is by far my favourite Marvel movie.

Over the last few months I’ve started building a fairly extensive Blu-Ray collection. I love physical media because I like to have a tangible representation of the art I love, but it also allows me to physically organise my thoughts about film rather than moving things around on a spreadsheet or in my head. It has also had an effect on how I watch films. Spending money on a film makes me feel more obligated to watch it through to the end in one sitting, to not be on my phone at the same time and to pay closer attention. It’s also made my approach to picking the films I watch more considered. I’ve been hunting down the films I haven’t seen by directors I love, fuelled by newfound completionism, and I’ve been subconsciously prioritising this kind of auteur-driven mindset in a way that has revealed, over time, who my favourite filmmakers are.

So, with that in mind, let’s transform this meandering, self-indulgent think piece into a meandering, self-indulgent listicle. Here are the filmmakers that have changed the way I watch movies:

Christopher Nolan

I know this is a bit of a film bro cliché, but I promise I’m not one of those film school douchebags who’s convinced they’re going to be the next great big budget auteur. Like a lot of other people my age, I discovered Christopher Nolan through the batman movies. I was taken to see The Dark Knight by my parents when I was 10 years old, not having seen Batman Begins, and it blew my mind. For years after that, I was one of those arseholes who had a terrible Joker impression that I whipped out at parties, until I became aware of the cliché and never did it again.

In the years since I’ve watched all of his other movies and gained a new love of Interstellar and The Prestige – movies that taught me a lot about the authorial voice and interweaving a central theme into every element of a film. I also learned that just because I find it annoying when the same tropes turn up in every Quentin Tarantino movie, recurring tropes throughout a filmmaker’s catalogue aren’t universally a bad thing.

The Coen Brothers

Representation is important. The tough thing about watching films from an auteur-driven perspective is that so many of the most important filmmakers in Hollywood are approaching their films from a white, Christian, male perspective. Scorsese is a particularly difficult director for me to appreciate because so many of his films are overtly informed by his Christianity. My Jewish identity is the most significant aspect of my identity, so naturally I’m always looking for films made from a Jewish perspective, overt or otherwise.

Whilst the Coen brothers don’t always make movies about explicitly Jewish characters or subject matters, their Jewishness always comes out in their writing, particularly in the totally undidactic way they approach the subject of faith in almost every film they’ve made. Their approach to God, fate, spirituality and religion is never one of moralising certainty, but rather a questioning one, which is a fundamental aspect of Jewish existence. I feel represented on multiple levels in the films of the Coen brothers, particularly in Inside Llewyn Davis which is my favourite film of the last decade, in ways that other directors could never manage. For the same reasons I will forever be excited about the potential of the Safdie brothers.

Stephen Spielberg

Whilst the Jewishness of Stephen Spielberg is a major attraction for me (Catch Me If You Can, his moody Christmas movie, comes across as weirdly Jewish to me), the thing that has solidified the guy as one of my favourite filmmakers is his approach to telling true stories. Unlike the Coen brothers, it’s Spielberg’s self-assuredness and didacticism that fuels my love of his work. His spate of recent, politically switched-on, historical dramas (Lincoln, Bridge of Spies and The Post) are all incredible achievements in effectively giving quiet dramas about people talking in rooms the tension and stakes of great action movies.

It’s the obvious thing to say at this point that Spielberg is one of the few genuine masters of the cinematic language, but while most will point to his massive, populist movies of the 80s and 90s as the definitive examples of that, I would point to his spottier late career with its moralising and earnestness as where his most exhilarating work lies.

Michael Mann

I like that Michael Mann is uncompromising. He makes films which, based on premise and star power, should be commercial knockouts, but they almost never are. He has an incredibly clear sense of self, and like Nolan has a lot of frequently recurring tropes in his films. Michael Mann makes films about Men Making Tough Choices™. He builds detailed, intensely researched worlds and he loves crime!

There’s something special when a filmmaker can tread the same ground over and over again and never convey the same central message twice. Nearly all of Mann’s movies are gritty, neo-noir thrillers with an obsessive attention to detail, but all of them deal with a totally distinct existential question which runs through every element of the film, from meta casting to set design, to music, to Mann’s pioneering use of digital photography. I’m just obsessed!

Stephen Soderbergh

Soderbergh is a hill that I’m going to be climbing for quite some time, I think. This is a guy who is relentlessly prolific, taking on a ridiculous number of roles on set himself, and working so fast that he often churns out multiple films in a year. With limited funds and a determination to watch movies legally, my progress through Soderbergh’s filmography has been slow, but I’ve loved every one I’ve watched so far.

As much as I love the guy’s mastery of the heist movie, and the way he slips those story telling devices into a lot of his non-heist stories, I think what really gets me about Soderbergh is the way his filmmaking style always seems to feel tooled towards portraying his characters with as much empathy as possible. Often his films are about people working or learning to empower themselves and coming to terms with their own identities. Anyway, go watch Out of Sight! It’s a damn masterpiece!

Kathryn Bigelow

Kathryn Bigelow’s career is full of insane ups and downs, but as far as I’m concerned, despite the difficulties she’s had getting her movies made and seen, she has three unqualified masterworks: Point Break, Strange Days and The Hurt Locker. On this list of directors, Bigelow has perhaps the most stylistically varied body of work, but her best work, much like that of other directors that I find myself drawn to, is largely concerned with obsession. Her characters are deeply flawed, but unwaveringly driven. What I love is that despite her drastic genre change from pulpy action thriller to hyper-realistic docudrama, she’s managed to hold on to that fascination with obsession, and an acute, outsider’s understanding of masculinity and its fragility.

Kathryn Bigelow has had to adapt to keep working, but because of that, she’s managed to develop a voice and a personality that is versatile enough to withstand her career shifts, but strong enough that it hasn’t been chipped away at by the difficulties she’s faced as a woman in Hollywood.

So, what was the point of all this?

Honestly, there wasn’t one. This was a piece of self-indulgence that allowed me to navigate an idea over which I was obsessing for a little while. That being said, I think if I had read something along these lines a few years ago, I would have delved into the world of director-focused movie watching far sooner. It’s hard to quickly and easily define the role of a director in contemporary film, particularly due to the ever growing influence of studios, but in the world in which the above filmmakers operate, the director has final say over all the creative decisions involved in putting together a movie. For me, the most exciting films are the ones that clearly and effectively communicate a single creative voice. Sue me, I love auteurs.

[scriptstructure]

hi! i was just wondering if you have any tips/advice on writing dystopian stories? i get stuck on worldbuilding and coming up with the history of the land. i also struggle with making it different from popular dystopian literature such as the hunger games or divergent. any help would be greatly appreciated, thanks so much!

I just so happen to have recently purchased Flame Tree Publishing’s Dark Fantasy: Dystopia/ Utopia Short Stories Anthology so thanks for helping me retroactively justify spending that dosh!

To understand the Dystopian genre, we’ve got to understand where it’s come from in both literary precedent and in social and political history. The Dystopian genre is a branch of the Utopian genre, and both are made up of stories that explore social critiques through the development of fictional societies that mirror elements of our own.

The foreword of the Dystopia/ Utopia Anthology traces this all the way back to Plato’s The Republic, in which Plato describes the way that an ‘ideal’ society would be organised and how it would function. A later writer, Thomas More, wrote a book called Utopia, which coined the name for the genre. “Utopia” comes from the Greek for ‘not’ and ‘place’ and the definition is “an imagined place or state of things in which everything is perfect.”

Dystopian fiction explores what happens when a Utopia is based upon a flawed or rotten foundation, the prefix ‘dys-’ meaning ‘bad’ added onto ‘utopia’, thus a dystopia is “an imagined state or society in which there is great suffering or injustice, typically one that is totalitarian or post-apocalyptic.”

So most dystopian stories take a thread of something that is damaging or potentially damaging in our society, and carry it through to a logical extreme:

George Orwell’s 1984 is about the danger of fascism: the state rules over the people with surveillance and terror, and keeps the public in line by manufacturing constant war, and by coercing people into turning on one another to serve the state.

Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World is a critique of capitalist consumerism, among other things, set in a future where the state religion is based around the factory production line, and humans are produced through an automated system which fills designated roles and castes.

Anthony Burgess’ A Clockwork Orange centres around the question of free will verses the good of society, exploring both the danger of unchecked individualism, and the horror of state violence, as well as the channels in which those two converge.

Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale takes patriarchal and theocratic politics to the logical extreme, with heteropatriarchal society stratified into castes, and ‘undesirables’ gotten rid of.

And of course, Suzanne Collins’ The Hunger Games series is concerned mostly with the commodification and sensationalisation of state violence, and the exploitation of minority groups for profit and entertainment.

Of course there are many many more dystopian stories out there, but we can see from this small selection that they all have at heart a political and social critique, which is explored through the actions and reactions of the characters, and through the development of the society that they live in.

So when you’re developing your own dystopian story, the place to start is the critique: what thing about society are you questioning? What is it about the world today that makes you say ‘hang on a minute, now, that just isn’t right!’? And when you’ve got that thing, imagine what the world would be like if that thing were pulled into the centre, and it touched every part of society.

In your story, the ways that characters live and function within that society is shaped by the Problem at its heart, and so that will influence the ways that they behave, dress, communicate, and everything else!

So you can think of it this way: when you choose the Problem that your Dystopian society is built upon, you are going to develop a world which reflects that problem, and which will be distinct from other dystopian stories. As well, even if you pick a problem which has been “done before”, your personal interpretation of the issue will change the way that it is explored on the page.

I think that a big struggle for beginner writers trying to produce dystopian fiction is getting caught up on the aesthetic elements of the story, and forgetting that the aesthetic of a story is a product of the Problem of the story. 

Brave New World is about a capitalist society which pacifies the masses through overconsumption and overstimulation, the aesthetic is one of extreme luxury to the point of nausea. 

A Clockwork Orange is based in a grungy, gang-riddled London, and the main cast are largely part of the criminal underclass, the aesthetic, and even the language of the story are informed by this.

In the same way, The Hunger Games has different regions with differing ‘aesthetics’ because of how the system that was established in “Panem” (post apocalyptic North America) is stratified as an obvious and object lesson to those who would oppose the state. The districts are numbered, and those closer to the capital have proportionally more comfort and wealth, but the capital itself is signified by obscene and excessive consumption of material goods. Whereas district 12, where the protagonist is from, is a mining town with the associated grime and poverty. Katniss’s skills and strengths come out of her life of hardship, she is a direct, though unintended, product of the system.

The bleak aesthetics of 1984 and The Handmaid’s Tale both reflect the enforced uniformity of their societies, with clothing and personal appearance, and even the body itself policed in order to ensure obedience to the state.

In terms of an order in which to develop your dystopian fiction, I would suggest thinking about:

The Problem: the central ‘wrongness’ of the story

Society: what does a society built around the Problem look like?

History: how did the society come to this point? At what point did it diverge from our society? How much of this are the people living in this society aware of?

Caste/ Stratum/ Class: what position in the society does your protagonist(s) occupy?

Individual: who are your protagonist(s) and why are they the focus of the story?What is your protagonist(s) relationship to society?What is your protagonist(s) relationship to the Problem?

Working through these steps, you should begin to form a working understanding of the fictional world you are building, and the elements within it that will contribute to the way that the characters understand the world, their place within it, and how they will deal with being in that world and circumstances.

I hope this helps!

[criticalrolo]

2, 6, 8, 13, 20, 25, 28, 33, 41, 43, 46, 48, 49, and 50 for Thalia and Limwen (I tried to keep it short, honest, I did! But the questions were just too interesting to avoid asking!)

STRAP IN FOLKS

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them?

Thalia: Nope!

Limwen: I’m sure she had some ranking in the army? Idk I made her when I was like 14 I didn’t know anything. She’s Ranger Limwen

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?

Thalia: She was homeschooled by her dad and her stepmom. It was pretty basic stuff that morphed into an apprenticeship as a healer with her stepmom. She was average at all the technical aspects, but really took to the more human side of keeping patients calm and knowing how to cure them or keep them comfortable. She enjoyed learning about how the different herbs and medicines her stepmom used worked the most. 

Limwen: She and her brothers were tutored together, but it was never her favorite thing. She’d much rather be running around outside playing or training with her weapons than reading books inside. She liked learning about nature, biology, etc., but didn’t care for mathematics and didn’t come to appreciate things like history and literature until later in life. 

8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as an adult? Do they like animals? 

Thalia: She has a cat named Tulip at home :)

Limwen: No pets since she can’t bring them traipsing around the universe. She likes animals for the food they provide jlaksdkfas but could probably be convinced to get a dog if she ever finds a way to settle down.

13. What is their least favourite food?

Thalia: Anything overly bitter is Thalia’s ENEMY. So like vinegar on salads is the worst thing ever

Limwen: If something is way too sugary it sends Limwen reeling, like if it tastes like it’ll give her a heart attack it’s a NO from her.

20. Do they like musicals? Music in general? What do they do when they’re favourite song comes?

Thalia: I don’t know if she’s ever had the chance to see a musical performed, but she does like music. Her little sister Gili has a really beautiful singing voice which she loved getting to hear. She’ll probably sing along if she likes the song.

Limwen: NAH. Music in general is fine but I’m trying to picture Limwen sitting through a musical and I can NOT see it happening

25. What do they find funny? Do they have a good sense of humour? Are they funny themselves?

Thalia: I think she would find something like Parks and Rec hilarious. Nothing too edgy or dark, but things that are exaggerated and ridiculous are pretty funny to her. She’s got a sense of humor and laughs pretty easily.

Limwen: She finds gallows humor funny and is the type to make jokes in the middle of fighting for her life and like, never at any other time. So like things that are BORDERLINE straight up tragic but really walk the line between super sad and funny. Otherwise she’s not very funny alkdsjfasd

28. What is their biggest fear? What in general scares them? How do they act when they’re scared?

Thalia: Oh her biggest fear is that she’ll never rescue her parents and her family will be broken forever :( In general she’s scared of being alone and failure. When she’s scared she really tends to knuckle down and push through until she either feels better or cracks. 

Limwen: She’s also scared she’ll never get home and she’ll basically die alone on some strange planet so far away from everything she knows. In general she’s always on edge waiting to get phased away at any second. She tends to shut down when she’s nervous, like laser focus on whatever is causing her fear and ignoring everything else until it goes away. 

41. What’s their sexuality? What do they find attractive? Physically and mentally? What do they like/need in a relationship?

Thalia: Bisexual! She finds… competence attractive I guess? She finds someone attractive when they can get shit done. I would say she’s also got a thing for Tall People, which could be a lot of people since she’s pretty short herself. In a relationship, she would need someone who is good at Listening, for sure. Also, if this person would keep her from pushing herself too hard and remembering her limits, that would be great too.

Limwen: Also bisexual. She’s currently head over heels in love with Cassiopeia, someone who is really In Love With Life and finds joy in just existing in the world. She’s pretty and lovely both physically and emotionally. In a relationship, she needs someone who won’t let her get away with wallowing, who is willing to call her out on her bullshit, and someone who will let Limwen also take care of them. She feels better when she can help someone else so if they won’t let her in then she won’t make much progress in the relationship you know?

43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people?

Thalia: For all her involvement with angels, the celestial plane, and her own Divine Soul status, she actually never was very religious. I guess it’s different when you can just talk to an angel when you need to. She sees religion as a curiosity, since her own experience with the Divine has been so different, so she’s pretty ambivalent about religious people but thinks some of them can end up going WAY over the top.

Limwen: She’s not religious. She’s been chucked all over space and no god ever stepped in to stop any of that, and she’s seen a million different religions that all seemed pretty much the same to her: lots of rules, not a lot of payoff. She doesn’t have a very high opinion of religion or religious people.

46. Do they make a good first impression? Does their first impression reflect them accurately? How do they introduce themselves?

Thalia: She usually does! (we love a 20 Charisma BABE) She definitely made a good impression on the party since they showed up in the middle of a fight she was having, the monk died, and she brought him back to life with Sariel’s help (pretty great way to get her foot in the door). She usually introduces herself with a handshake and a smile, she’s friendly.

Limwen: Significantly less friendly than Thalia. She usually comes across as gruff and like she’s on edge, so she doesn’t make fantastic first impressions. Which is usually an accurate impression. She comes off as someone worried about something all the time, which is true.

48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do they organise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t want to go but were dragged along by a friend? 

Thalia: Loves parties! She likes gatherings of people and is comfortable making small talk and putting people at ease. She’d make a great host if she wasn’t Off Adventuring. If she was at a party against her will, she’d probably try to make the most of it and find a convenient excuse to leave early when she could.

Limwen: Oh god she’s being forced to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being Seen and possibly Known. She is an INTROVERT who can barely come up with things to say to her best friend, parties are NOT her thing. She was definitely dragged there by Cass and she’ll do her absolute best to have fun for her, but afterwards she’ll just probably go lay down outside all night lajkdsfad

49. What is their most valued object? Are they sentimental? Is there something they have to take everywhere with them?

Thalia: Most valued object right now is her sword, which is essentially an anchor for her connection with Sariel while he uses her as like... an angelic horcrux. Other than that, she has a drawing of her family that her sister Wyn did when she was little. She looks at it when she’s feeling particularly lonely. She’s very sentimental, and takes this stuff with her everywhere.

Limwen: She has her bow which is the only constant between all these different dimensions. She didn’t have anything else on her when she got zapped for the first time, so she doesn’t have anything to be sentimental over. 

50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewhere with them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials?

Thalia: Sword, family picture, first aid/herbalism kit, bedroll, rope, diamond to Revivify, plant identification book, anything sariel could conceivably give her/direct her towards

Limwen: Bow, arrows, notebook to keep track of jumps, photo with Cass, probably pressed flowers or anything else Cass has given her, rope, first aid kit, tinder, compass

[fuckthegovfucklove]

My *current*Relating Framework

“The widespread assumption that ethical behaviour takes the fun out of life is false. In actuality, living ethically ensures that relationships in our lives, including encounters with strangers, nurture our spiritual growth.” 

― Bell Hooks

As a result of my disapproval of societal depictions of what good relationships look like and represent, I’ve decided to rip up the script and play an active role in the process of meaning construction. In my solitary moments, I jotted down some of the principles I believe are essential to relating with others in a way that is fruitful, just and consistent with my own personal politics. I will most likely update the list with time but for now, these are the tenet’s that form the Nonconformist Lover Relating Framework:

Individual Autonomy - You are you, I am I.

“Because to take away a man's freedom of choice, even his freedom to make the wrong choice, is to manipulate him as though he were a puppet and not a person.” ― Madeline L'Engle

Autonomy is a complex construct that concerns the regulation of behaviour by the self, or the authorship of one’s behaviour, as opposed to behaviour being controlled by forces perceived as outside the self. When individuals are autonomous, their behaviour is self-organised and self-endorsed, and their actions are experienced as fully voluntary and authentic. The opposite of autonomy is feeling pressured, coerced, or compelled to act by forces or pressures perceived as external to the self.

When navigating interpersonal relationships, it is crucial that as an individual you do not attempt to coerce or control the actions of another. To do that is to disrespect their autonomy, assert ones dominance and sow seeds of inequality. You only has complete control over one’s own actions, that includes deciding not to continue relationships that are not conducive to one’s wellbeing. Rules are coercive, personal boundaries are a necessity.

Reject the desire to pressure or influence others to suit your needs, but experience them and appreciate their individuality, only offering solicited advice that may aid their individual growth. Encourage others to exercise their personal freedom and act authentically, so long as their actions don’t harm others. Do the same and watch how you attract others who share a similar disposition or value yours.

Mutuality - We do, what WE want.

“In contexts of massively unbalanced power, love seeks dispersed and accountable power. Mutuality recognizes common power to give to, receive from, learn from, and challenge. And it aims at common well-being.” ― Cynthia Moe-Lobeda

In this context, mutuality is the degree of correspondence between two individuals perceptions of their commitment to each other and to their relationship, as well as the state of having mutual desires, interests and values. It’s voluntary cooperation. Often times what occurs in relationships are assumed mutualities from both individuals, that is an unspoken belief that the other person has the same desire, interest, values or intention to commit as you. The unspoken nature of assumed mutualities often times becomes a bone of contention.

There are many conventional assumed mutualities, such as communication frequency, co-habitation plans or leisure time. Things that people who like each other “should“ do. Aim for a more intentional, organic mutuality, that is doing things out of a clear shared desire for it instead of out of duty/obligation. This allows a genuine appreciation for each others time or commitment as it comes out of sheer desire - no arm twisting involved.  When individuals perform relationships off of societal scripts, they’re given the power to coerce and reprimand individuals for not acting the part i.e being “a good partner“ or “a good friend”. Such actions strip individuals of their individuality and attempt to box them with the power invested by societal norms.

No assumptions should be made about the nature of a relationship. Making explicit, conscious agreements can be useful or even mandatory for relationships that involve actual outside responsibilities, minors or dependencies, otherwise they are almost always unnecessary and burdensome. If an individual does something for you that you enjoy once or a couple times and is no longer consistent, remember that their actions or consent are not ongoing rights. You can speak to them about your concerns but at the end of the day you aren’t entitled to their time or commitment. If they are interested in doing the things you’d like to do with them, then you are on the same pages which is great. If they do not have the desire to do certain things they are well within their right not to and it is up to you to either respect that and fulfil your desires by other means. It is wise practice, allowing you to infer the qualities of an individual off of their voluntary actions vs actions they do out of duty.

Intersubjectivity - I try to see what you see.

“Walk with me for a while, my friend—you in my shoes, I in yours—and then let us talk.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich,

In this context, having an intersubjective attitude involves having an interest in, attunement to and responsiveness to the subjective, inner experience of another individual, both at a cognitive and affective level. While empathy is generally the ability to understand and share feelings with another, intersubjectivity attempts to understand reality from that persons point of view. To do this involves paying attention to how another interprets reality and responds to situations, although your analysis will always be to some extent skewed by your own subjective reality. The aim is an appreciation of the wholeness of the other person with a special awareness of the other’s subjective experience, allowing you to better understand, empathise with and be considerate of another - widening your personal worldview.

Intersubjectivity is key to really understanding how you’re actions may affect an individual and ways you can accommodate them. Adopting this practice protects the marginalised and the individuality of others. The best way to develop an intersubjective attitude is to ask another questions about how they emotionally, intellectually and factually perceive different situations, to learn about their background and what impinges upon them, to imagine the world that they exist in and how it affects them. Speak to them about it and show nonjudgemental responsiveness to encourage emotional safety and intimacy.

Self-awareness and emotional self-disclosure is crucial too. You must also be aware of your own subjective nature and have the willingness and ability to reveal your own inner states to the other person, make your needs known,  share your thoughts and feelings, giving the other access to your subjective world.

The key is to not assume you know an individual, but to be intentional in getting to know them. You can never fully know why another person does what they do. When you only see others and how they act through your own subjective lens, how their actions affect you and without empathy, you are prone to project onto them and develop narcissistic traits that can become psychologically abusive.

Humanise - I perceive you as human.

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” ―Brené Brown

To humanise, as a weak antonym for objectifying, describes a behaviour or process that appreciates the individuality of and in others. It is the viewing and treatment of other persons as if they possess the same mental, emotional and physical capacities, and agency that we enjoy as human beings. We recognise others as three-dimensional individuals, and therefore have regard for their feelings, rights, needs, boundaries, well-being and lives. To humanise someone is also to refuse objectifying and categorising them based off of their differences be it religion, race, culture, nationality, disability, beliefs, lifestyle, sex, gender identity, socioeconomic status.

To humanise others you have to recognise them autonomous individuals, develop intersubjectivity and emotional empathy in order to perceive them as complex thinking-feeling human beings. Another human being is not a replaceable tool that exists merely to take care of your needs, you do not own them, they are not an object of discharge of instinctual impulses, you are not in the best position to make decisions/speak for them or deny them of their autonomy, their boundaries are not something you can dance around or break into. To do this is to oppress another by unjustly exercising power or authority over them.

Through dealing with others with empathy, concern for their experiences and feelings, and an active interest in what makes them a different, complex person you develop the capacity to allow the differences in others and ultimately to value and encourage those qualities which make that person different and unique. You suppress the knee-jerk reaction to judge others according to your or societal ideals and develop the ability to aid those in need.  

Solitariness - I enjoy my own company.

“But many of us seek community solely to escape the fear of being alone. Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” ― bell hooks

Solitariness refers to the quality of being apart from others. One that is desired and sought for, as opposed to loneliness that is isolation accompanied by the longing for company. Solitariness a positive state, it is a type of chosen aloneness, during which personality development and creativity may arise. In this state, the individual is not avoiding social interaction due to social anxiety or preference. They enjoy the experience of alone time and can use it to explore themselves.

Recognising that time alone is not only okay but necessary and fruitful, is it step towards ensuring that you are in control of your own well-being. Solitariness goes hand in hand with autonomy and both are essential to developing self-sufficiency. Being committed to your own care and equipping yourself with the material necessities, emotional tools and affirmation are essential to creativity and engaging with others in totality. When the important people in your life have their own things going on, you aren’t overcome with loneliness or resentful because you also have your own life to live. It’s about cultivating your own living compass.

There is a wild difference between interacting with others out of perpetual need and needing the support of others when in trouble. The former indicates that you use those interactions, as bell hooks puts it, “as a means of escape”, while the latter is sign of the ability to ask for help from a good support system. It may come easier to others but experiencing wholeness alone over relying on others to either constantly affirm you or complete you is something you should strive for.  It is the only way you can protect yourself from the inevitable side effects of interacting with people who are human.

Compersion - Your joy brings me joy.

“Jealousy is not a barometer by which the depth of love can be read, it merely records the degree of the lover’s insecurity.” – Margaret Mead

Compersion is a relatively new word that’s yet to make an appearance in mainstream dictionaries, but it describes a feeling that many of us experience. Compersion describes an “empathetic state of happiness and joy brought about by knowing or witnessing the happiness and joy of another individual”, specifically when the source of their pleasure does not come from you. It’s most common usage is in the nonmonogamous community when describing the positive feelings an individual can experience when a lover is enjoying another relationship. An antidote to jealousy some say.

Compersion operates on a foundation of emotional security and altruism. As an aromantic and someone who can’t really recall experiencing jealousy, compersion comes to me relatively easily. Through conversations with others who have rather opposite inclinations, I noticed a stark difference in our subjective perception of reality and interpersonal relationships:

The Comparison/Competitive – Curious/Connective Mode Polarity: This is a quasi-theory I conjured up to attempt to understand disparities between individuals and their experience of compersion. An individual who is primarily on comparison/competitive mode struggles to feel true happiness for others because they fall in the trap of comparing themselves to and creating competition between them and the source of another’s pleasure. On the other hand, an individual who is primarily on curious/connective mode is more excited at the prospect of learning about this new source of pleasure and how it pleases the other, as well as the potential opportunity to also connect with this source of pleasure. While one worries needlessly about being replaced or not “measuring up” as though they were an object, the other lives vicariously through the another knowing that every relationship exists between humans who are unique and incomparable.

Treating relationships as zero-sum game where if one is winning, the other is losing is another way surefire way to ice out compersion. If your knee jerk reaction to seeing another experience joy is to think “this isn’t fair, I want that too“ then developing a sense of selflessness is in order. In addition, examining your abundance-scarcity mindset is helpful. By believing that there is an abundance of people that you too can form fruitful relationships with, seeing others enjoy theirs shouldn’t trigger a scarcity panic.

While compersion does present as a positive feeling, this can only ring true in situations that are not riddled with injustices and don’t contribute to the oppression of an individual or another group. This brings me to the next tenet.

Indignation - I see injustice and I address it.

“Anyone can get angry, but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy.”

― Aristotle

Indignation is a trickier one to navigate. Indignation is a reactive emotion to anger over perceived mistreatment, insult, or malice. It is related to a sense of injustice. It may also refer to a morally right or justifiable decision or action or to an action which arises from an outraged sense of justice or morality. How legitimate or fair your indignation is is dependent on whether your concern is for the genuine welfare of others or if your outrage is rooted in your own subjective beliefs.

To demonstrate, from "Ethics According to Aristotle & Kant" : "If I see a bigger boy beating up on a small child, I feel indignant; I think what he is doing is wrong. It would be wrong for me and it is wrong for him. On the other hand, if another person is merely ill-mannered or foolish, I might be annoyed or even angry, but I don't feel indignation. The word indignation implies a sense of right and wrong." Theres a "sharp distinction between the moral and the merely prudential. What is moral is what I am strictly obliged to do, whether I like it or not. It has nothing to do with my inclinations and desires, but is simply my duty. The prudential, he says, is based on my own inclinations and desires." When are we fighting for collective welfare and freedom or just our own?

A sense of injustice is necessary because what we often find in interpersonal relationships is we’re faced with situations where we see maltreatment, not just happening to ourselves but being carried out by others to others and, being carried out by ourselves. Situations where someone is being wronged, exploited or oppressed. In order to create the just world we all (I assume) want to exist in, we have to be prepare to identify and address the injustice we see around us and perpetuated by us. Sometimes this requires compassion. It requires reflexion and a desire for restorative justice. *unfinished*

[fiendofearth]

Deeza Sylla, Balmung, LFRP!

**Please note this is all OOC information just to get an idea of the character!**

Character Reference Sheet

Name: Deeza Sylla

Age: 32

Race: Miqo’te, Keeper of the Moon

Gender: Female

Sexuality: Bisexual

Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

Marital Status: Polygamous

Server: Balmung (GMT +0, EU Timezone)

physical appearance >>>

Hair: Short, cropped messy and jet black, with some grey streaks, often pushed back off her face.

Eyes: Right eye - Grey, Left eye - pale, scared and injured, minimum sight

Height: Fairly tall for a female Miqo’te, possibly around 5′9

Build: Muscled, toned, that of a heavy lifter/body builder

Distinguishing Marks: Dee is covered in a plethora of burns, scars, tattoos and piercings. Most of her left arm is mangled from burns, no more than a year old, her back is etched with intricate tattoo’s made even more interesting from the thick scars that cut through it. Her skin is her history, her ink is her art.

Common Accessories: A leather strapped necklace around her neck, bearing a plain silver band and a dog-tag as it’s pendant. A small, thin silver tin which contains a variety of pre-rolled cigarettes, as well as a small magitek type lighter.

personal >>>

Profession: Mercenary, Dock Worker, Bounty Hunter, Warrior

Hobbies: Drinking, Fighting, Swearing, Sailing, Eating, Drinking again.

Languages: Eorzean, *Lominsan, cause lets face it, it’s it’s own language.

Residence: Mists, Limsa Lominsa

Birthplace: Northern Shroud, Gridania

Religion: The Twelve

Patron Deity: None

Fears: Forever being a runaway, a coward, not being strong enough.

relationships >>>

Spouse: Secret, drunk marriage which she doesn’t count as legitimate.

Children: None

Parents: Mother, Deceased. Father, estranged.

Siblings: Estranged, some deceased, has many of them. Most notably she has a twin.

traits >>> extroverted / introverted / in between disorganised / organised / in between close minded / open-minded / in between calm / anxious / in between disagreeable / agreeable / in between cautious / reckless / in between patient / impatient / in between outspoken / reserved / in between leader / follower / in between empathetic / unemphatic / in between optimistic / pessimistic / in between traditional / modern / in between hard-working / lazy / in between cultured / uncultured / in between loyal / disloyal / in between* faithful / unfaithful / in between* *- Depends on the person and their relationship

additional information >>> Smoking Habit: never / sometimes /frequently / to excess Drugs: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess Alcohol never / sometimes / frequently / to excess

possible hooks >>>

The Pie Thief: As a child, Deeza spent a year or so trying to survive the streets of Ul'dah before she escaped to Limsa Lominsa. While only kids, she tried her best to use her skills to fend for herself and other children around her, not wanting them to starve (often stealing pies). While young, she had some training to mostly evade capture from the Brass Blades. Though, more often she was forced to work to pay-back what she stole.

It's a Pirates Life for Me: For some time after her teens, Dee was among the pirates of Limsa Lominsa. Finding a crew to call home, she voyaged the Sea's for some time before a tragic event dispersed her crew after their Captain was killed.

Bad Habits: Dee has some less than honest ties to the drug-dealing underworld. Partaking in many kinds, she know dealers, buyers, sellers, debt collectors and all that nasty stuff. While most of her debts are paid off, and the woman is clean, sometimes the past can haunt you.

Merc's have to Stick together: Between her history, Deeza has worked many jobs involving the need for mercenaries, being called to work with many a group for a hefty pay. These jobs where not always legal, and Dee never cared. These jobs took part all over Eorzea, and throughout most of her life, so this would be the easiest option for a past encounter.

Dreams are made of Gold: For a few years, Deeza worked at the Golden Saucer as a "Bunny Girl", it's more than likely she'd make a lasting impression due to her imperfections and hulking form, as opposed to the usual girls working there.

Current: At present, Dee works most of her days down the Docks of Limsa Lominsa and other docks near-by. She drinks in shady bars, and partakes in underground fist-fights in order to deal with her aggression. She still does the odd job as a mercenary, for all walks of life. She’s pretty flexible in where and why she can be in certain places, so it’s super easy to start something up!

about the mun >>>

I’ve been RPing for nearly 5 years or something now, possibly 6, staring back in GW2. I’ve been on FFXIV for like 3 years now, who knows.

I’m friendly, but also scatterbrained and forget to message people back sometimes, doesn’t mean I hate you. I just get really distracted.

I will always reply to RP ASAP, and if not, give a reason for doing so. And I would hope this is understood, as I would offer the same in return.

I’m a fairly understanding person, but I can’t read minds. So if you have an issue, please come forward to me about it!

I’m dyslexic, and this causes me to be a bit shy about approaching people too, especially about RP.

I work 9 to 12 hour shifts most days at work. I’m tired a lot, and usually unavailable in game before of this.

I am down for like 99% of RP scenarios, just talk to me about it first, and I’d do the same for you! 

what I’m looking for >>>

At present, mostly Discord RP. Working long hours and even longer weeks means I can't log into the game all that often, maybe a few times a week. So for now, I'm looking for some good old discord RP that I can do throughout the day, and someone to be patient with replies not coming every single minute. (Hopefully work gets better and I can start to RP more in the game but until then...)

EU time-zones would be best, but I’ll take what I can get at this point (lmao), 18+ also preferred as I play a disgustingly foul mouthed character who doesn’t have the most pleasant past so maturity goes well with the darker themes. Long-term and short-term RP works for me, too. I’d prefer long-term but I also understand it’s hard to dedicate yourself to so many people and keep it all up, so even if it’s just the occasional scene, I’m cool with that too. Just let me know!

Communication is also appreciated, just so we know where each other stands on certain topics, triggers, etc. If you don’t like something we’re doing in RP, we can stop at anytime and move on. And so we can become friends, too!

PM me for discord details to chat or whatever, if you think you want to RP with Dee! She's great, I'm promise, just a mess of a character. Catch me in game on her as Deeza Sylla (If  you can, anyways...), or message me here on tumblr to sort things out - I’ve never done RP over tumblr DM’s but I’d be willing to try! Thanks for reading. 

[neotericbitch]

DarqAnon

I was raised a sun worshipper, but I definitely wouldn’t call myself religious now. My upbringing put a bit of a negative spin on how I view religion - actually, just sun worship. I’m totally fine with moon worship and the Church of the Faceless and any other kinds of belief, and to be quite honest most sun worshippers I know outside of my family are nice, it’s just - you know. Stuff they teach you, the way they get you to think, how you’re not supposed to question the whole thing where the rays give you cancer... They’re acceptable targets anyway, everyone makes fun of sun worshippers. 

And, I know there’s stuff in other religions that can be harmful to the people who belong to them, like the whole sacrificing thing that the Church of the Faceless has going on, but because I wasn’t brought up on it it’s not really my place to judge, and I don’t think they do it very often anymore, it’s just extremists now.

Anyway - I don’t think I’m religious, but I also can’t really help but believe in a bigger force outside myself, outside anyone’s control. A higher power. It’s probably just leftover brainwashing from how I was raised - sometimes when I’m annoyed I still curse the sun, it just slips out, haha! - but that’s really how I feel. I see my higher power on the horizon, where the ocean meets the blue sky. I hear it in the crunch of stones on a path, chosen for me to walk. I saw it in the burning rubble of Roarhaven six years ago.

I only started attending DA about three years ago, though, I think it was just denial I was in before then. But I saw a handwritten sign half-torn off the library noticeboard and I just thought, why not, and I showed up, and it went from there. I was so moved by everyone’s stories that I had to come back. And now it’s been three years and I run the Thursday and Saturday meetings!

The Thursday meeting used to go from 5:30 to 6pm, and I was going to that one for a few months and I made it work as best I could, but I noticed some people stopped showing up and others would make it late, and then one day Crandall tell us - Crandall chaired the Thursday meeting - that because of turnout they were going to close the Thursday meeting. And I thought, well that was stupid! It wasn’t that people didn’t want to come, it was because the time was inconvenient - we’re adults with 9-5 jobs, and I work at the High Sanctuary so my days can be long - and it being only a half-hour didn’t make it worth it, you know? So I stepped up and said I’d take over the Thursday meetings, and I’d change the time to 6 to 7:30.

And I love organising things, so I got right into it, and even after the first few weeks people would come up to me and say, “Isserley, that was a great meeting! You’re really good at putting things together! It used to be hard for me to make it to the Thursday meeting because of the time, but it’s much better and more worth it now!” And I felt really appreciated, it was so nice.

I like a project. I like organising things. I’m a secretary at the High Sanctuary, it’s required of me. I remember when I first got the job, taking over for the lady before me, everyone in the department was shocked at how well put together my work was, and I was in shock because, it just seemed normal to me! Did the last secretary really work so sloppily? So - yes, I think it’s fair to say I put a lot of effort into DA, maybe more than necessary. 

I do feel a bit like a fake sometimes. As I said, I’m not religious, I’m not an active Darquesse worshipper... The worst I could ever do was say a couple prayers to her at night, you know? Nothing worth worrying about, haha. I’m not really like the rest of these people, some of them are completely nuts. Salma Shelldon, well, she says she was dreaming of Darquesse when she was a child 500 years ago, and she comes in late every week with a bloody ball of yarn and she just sits there and knits these ugly beanies and I swear one day she’s going to walk in wearing one of them...

She annoys me, actually. Quite a few of them do. At the end of every meeting there’s a little tray I take out, and it’s not mandatory to donate but I always put in a five euro note, it’s just polite. But some of them just toss in a twenty cent coin and - and - well, what’s the use in that? Is one euro too steep? I know I shouldn’t judge, I can’t speak for anyone’s personal situation but my own, and I know for some of them it can be hard, not always able to hold a job, Darquesse interfering with aspects of their life........but STILL!

And that just reminds me of the man who used to come in, I miss him. I never properly spoke to him, unfortunately. I was never certain of his name. Well, Crandall said it was Steven and someone else - Feat, I think - said it was John but neither of those sound right to me. He looked in his 400s to me and I can’t imagine anyone during the war against Mevolent calling themselves anything so boring. Well, take me for example. 349 years ago I was born and 12 years after that I was called Isserley Lox.

Oh, but - the man, right. He appeared not long after I took over the Thursday meeting, just came in one evening and didn’t miss a week for the next two years! I didn’t like him at first, I asked him to speak on the night of his arrival and he declined, and I found that rude because it’s customary for you to speak on your first night - and he never did share his story after that, not in a group or one-on-one, but he came to be a sort of stable, comforting element in the meetings, I suppose. And - and! At the end of every meeting, he would put a twenty euro note in the tray! Why, I started getting anxious thinking I should do the same!

So he was a positive little influence. That’s why I ended up liking him. He had a very plain-looking face, not attractive to me, certainly, but he had this look to him as if he was always paying very close attention - even I drift off sometimes and I’m the one in charge!! And he wore these beautiful suits. I couldn’t for the life of me tell you what he did for work, though Salma once asked him if he was a model - hah, as if he’d ever want to wear one of your hideous creations, Salma! But, yes, I knew very little about him... I don’t even know what magical discipline he practised.

Oh, me? Exclusively a pyromancer. Tradition in my family.

Last year he was absent for the first time, and there was some discussion between us regulars while we were packing up about where he could have been. As it turned out he was waiting right outside, for me! It was the most words he’d ever spoken to me at one time - in the most wonderful voice, too. It was terrible news. Something he couldn’t specify had come up in his life, he was shuffling things around and could no longer fit the meeting into his schedule. I told him how sorry I was to hear it! And I offered him my number to call me if he ever needed to talk - but of course, he never did.

Then last year, I experienced such an amazing shock. I was preparing a folio for my superiors and came out to the hall, and who was coming down it with the Administrator - of the time, not the new one - but Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain! I’d heard she was back, though having not seen her myself I was quite afraid to believe it. But there she was, walking by in brand-new clothes - not very Darquesse in style, sadly, but we can forgive that - and as she came she actually noticed me looking at her, and, how stupid of me, I was standing too far out from the wall so they all had to squeeze by me - and she mumbled, “Pardon me,” as she went! 

Me! Pardon her? My higher power? My sun? It was fabulous, it was fantastic. I had a big smile plastered on my face for the rest of the day.

Actually though, I mustn’t forget to mention. Detective Pleasant did nod at me and say my name, and that was very strange, but I didn’t think too much of it. Fellow like that, a know-nothing know-it-all who sticks his lack of a nose in everyone’s business...I’m surprised he didn’t address everyone in the department by name. I suppose he would know, then, that I run two DA meetings a week. Well, let him. Doesn’t bother me. In fact, I feel a bit sorry for him.

He doesn’t know what it’s like to love a god, now does he?