#KINDA CRAZY THAT IM THEIR FRIEND IN ANOTHER REALITY??

[beadelmare]

[snekdood]

when ppl are like "do u know ppl of x minority that ur still in contact with" as a gotcha ig to say ur not actually as open and progressive as you say you are but bud... i dont talk to anyone from my past, lmao, I dont think thats a fair metric to go by quite frankly

[remcycl333]

my sp story <3

hi besties! if you've been following my blog for a while you know that i've been single for a while, partly because i like to be independent and single, and partly because i just didn't like anyone. obviously i could just manifest a guy out of thin air, but when im not confronted face to face with a crush then i just don't care about being in a relationship so i never manifested someone out of thin air lol

but then a couple of weeks ago i was at the movies with my friends, and there were couples cuddling around us and i was like "aw :( kinda wish i had a bf now." and what do we do when we feel any type of desire? we immediately fulfill ourselves, no matter how "small" the desire is! so that's what i did. i imagined for like two seconds that i was cuddling with a boy at the theaters, and then i got distracted by the movie and forgot all about it

then like 15 minutes later, a guy that i'd had a crush on four years ago randomly slid into my dms. i never pursued him four years ago bc my bff at the time had dibs on him, but we're not friends anym and haven't been for years so it was my time to shine!!!

anyway, we talk for like a week. i know this guy is funny and shit bc of when we hung out irl, but like all he's sending me are unfunny memes that don't really warrant a response. so it was kinda tough

and this is the part where you guys are going to yell at me!!! i was like oh i should use my manifestation skills and make sure this goes smoothly....but then i was like nah im just gonna go with the flow 😭😭😭 and i know you guys are like REM!!!! u manifest EVERYTHING u can't just turn it off!!!! anyway.....long story short a week into us talking this mf randomly blocks me!!!!

so im instantly like 🙄🙄 damn fine i'll manifest him back bc im stubborn and do not like being told no in my reality

so how did i do it? how did i manifest him back?

if you guys have followed me for a while, you know that i manifested an sp a couple years ago by simply affirming "i love [his name] so much" any time i'd think of him and this would conjure the feeling of the wish fulfilled. (NOT mindless affirming. i'd say it maybe two or three times to catch the feeling and then move on)

ANYWAY so that's what i did! and let me tell you....i was not "perfect" by any means 😭 in fact this manifestation really kinda opened my eyes on how EASY manifestation truly is. like i already knew how easy it was, but damn!

if you know that your desire is promised and that it is coming because you gave it to yourself in imagination (even ONCE) ... there is NOTHING that will stop it. i was gonna make a separate post on this and i tried but i just couldn't articulate it correctly so im going to try again:

it took 12 days to manifest him to unblock me and message me. im sure it would've taken a shorter amount of time if i was more disciplined with myself but it's kinda crazy bc of how UNdisciplined i was 😭 tbh i was just kinda like...unsure if i even wanted to manifest him at all bc thats how much i value my alone time and my independence lol

anyway, i always get asks from people who are stressed and anxious bc they think that in order to manifest your desire, you can never enter the state of lack ever again and that dwelling in negative thoughts will "ruin" your manifestations. but i am here to tell you IT DOES NOT MATTER!!! you do not need to be "perfect"!!!! as long as you are staying faithful to the idea that you have your desire in the 4d, it'll manifest in the 3d.

another thing i see so many people confused and stressed about is whether or not they're naturally thinking from the state. for instance, every time you think of your sp, you think from the end of being in a relationship with them, before you think of the fact that you're not together yet. and let me tell you....while this CAN happen, it's not always gonna happen and it's not necessary. let me tell you, the DAY before my sp reached out, and even the day that he did....i would catch myself thinking about how we weren't together! but the gag is....YOUR THOUGHTS DON'T MANIFEST!!!! yes, they indicate what state you're in, but the actual thoughts themselves don't mean shit!!! they don't manifest. they just don't!

so i'd shift back to the state of being my sp's girlfriend when i'd have these thoughts, but i was fully aware we were not together in my 3d and i never naturally thought of us as being together before i saw any evidence of it in my 3d. all i had was the knowing that my inner man was with my sp, and that since i'd decided i had it in imagination, it would push out into my 3d. because that's how the law works!!! and honestly, that's all you really need. you just need to know that since you gave yourself your desire in your imagination ONE TIME, it WILL manifest. and if you have a true understanding of how the law works and you've read source, you will have no trouble knowing that it will come.

you also do NOT need to be in the state of the wish fulfilled 24/7!!! at all!!!! i cannot stress this enough. and tbh i used to feel the same. i felt like i had to be aware of having my desire in imagination 24/7 or else it wouldn't come. i thought i couldn't perceive the lack or opposite in my 3d or else it wouldn't manifest (see this post about dismissing the 3d btw if u need help with that). but the gods honest truth is that all you need to do is DECIDE you have your desire in imagination & not take no for an answer & KNOW that your desire is GOING TO REFLECT IN YOUR 3D NO MATTER WHAT!!!!

and that's not to say that you wont still get anxious and have intrusive thoughts and be like "oh god what if it never manifests." like... im human and i had those human moments. but i just reminded myself that i know the law and ive proven it to myself many times and i know that it had to manifest.

anyway. back to my sp story!

so for these 12 days that im blocked (lmfao) all i did was affirm "i love [his name] so much" whenever i thought of him until i caught the feeling of the wish fulfilled. that's it. and i knew for a fact that he was mine in the 4d and therefore we'd be together in the 3d bc that's the law!

anyway on friday (5 days ago) at 8pm? im scrolling thru the ulta app and then im like "oh i havent fulfilled myself today i dont think" so i fulfilled myself for like 2 seconds and then get distracted by some product and then two minutes later i get a notif that this guy followed me and then dmed me 😭

it's funny cuz my irls don't know about the law of assumption so i sent them a screenshot and i was like "look who came crawling back" and they were like BOOOOO!!! and i was like no guys!!!!! i created the blocking and i created this like i promise we can trust him 😭😭 hahahaha

anyway. let me tell you. if you are manifesting an sp, DO NOT DO THAT SHIT IN STEPS!!!!! i mean, if you really want to, i can't stop you, but i really don't recommend it.

with my old sp (the one from two years ago) i'd always manifest contact and then get it, and then he'd ghost me and and id have to manifest contact again and it'd be a never ending cycle!!! bc i was just focusing on contact, not on how i felt or how he felt about me.

the reason i loveeee to affirm "i love my sp so much" INSTEAD OF "HE loves ME so much" is because it helps me catch the feeling of the wish fulfilled so much more. not only that, but because remember, THERE IS NO ONE TO CHANGE BUT SELF!!!! changing the way i see my sp and the way i feel about him is all i need to do. im not trying to change him and make him love me lol. this is about me and my inner reality, not him! he'll reflect whatever i am in the 4d

another reason i love affirming this is because TO ME, this is what implies we are already together. whenever im in a relationship, i always find myself laying around all giddy thinking about how obsessed with my bf i am and how i love him so much. so i emulate that when im manifesting an sp.

and it's PERFECT because by jumping straight to the end where we're already together, i don't have to focus on all the things that lead to us being in a relationship. i don't have to manifest him following me, or texting me, or asking me on a date. these things all just happen naturally bc im living in the end.

NOT TO MENTION, it naturally turns your sp into your perfect partner? like remember when i said when we were talking before he blocked me he was kinda dry and he'd just send memes that i didn't find funny? THIS DUDE DID A COMPLETE 180!!!

he's sooo funny, he is the OPPOSITE of dry, he is everything???? and im obsessed.

anyway he unblocked me and dmed me, and then asked for my number and we had such funny and cute convos and then boom 4 days later he asks me on a date and i say no (😭😭😭😭 i was busy) but i agreed to go on a date the next day and the way this boy showed pure unencumbered excitement 🥺 im obsessed

anyway im sorry this is so long? i really just wanted to share how all i did was apply what i've been preaching about on this blog for years and it worked out flawlessly! hopefully this gives you guys some good tips and maybe motivation? <3

[ash-and-starlight]

BOOKS OF 2024

the list nobody asked for. again <3 i think this time around i read less books than the previous year?? but still 😤 we did it boys we read some fine books. reviews under the cut since i love yapping and i cant be fucked to make a goodreads account

Cromorama - Riccardo Falcinelli this book was sooo cool so engaging so interesting, its a look into the history and science of colors but its also so much more rlly one of my favorite nonfictions of all time

The Murderbot Diaries - Martha Wells disclaimer I only read this series up to Rogue Protocol, but I enjoyed it, I rlly liked the characters and the worldbuilding and the short novel format and most of all murderbooottt my best friend murderbot. when im in the mood for scifi again ill read the rest asw I prommyy

On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous - Ocean Vuong this is one of those books that as u read it you can already tell it will stay with you forever, dont be fooled by the shortness every single line will Kill You. it will kill you dead.

The Seven Moons of Maali Almeida - Shehan Karunatilaka probably my fav book of the year, it's beautiful it's gripping it's deep it's scathing it's irreverent it has a careful and deeply cultural magical surrealism it has sociopolitical satire it won the booker prize of 2022 and deserved it so much

Fuori le Palle! Privilegi e Trappole della Mascolinità - Victoire Tuaillon ill be hoooneestt I didn't find this uhh as groundbreaking as I was kinda expecting it to be?? but still it was a nice read and the "flipped" perspective to center the myth of """masculinity""" in a feminist text was interesting. also rlly pretty cover

Lavinia - Ursula K. Le Guin Ursula girl u did it again! constantly rising the bar for all of us!! another stunning book that sadly fell victim to the #girlboss tiktokification but DONT LET THAT STOP YOUUU its sooo good. bitches Love pre-hellenistic latin society <333 bitches love even more when the boundaries between story and characters and reality and fiction blur in such a masterful way that Lavinia can have a conversation with Vergil and it doesn't feel not even the littlest bit forced or out of place <333

Exordia - Seth Dickinson Went in for the giant snake alien/human toxic yuri stayed for the weird mystery body horror stuff almost left for the overabundance of USA military stuff that I just can't be bothered to care about. I liked it way less than the masquerade but it Does have all the classical elements that make it a Seth Dickinson book aka fucked up women. Imperialism Critique. the horrors. the trolley problem. being Very Long. etc

Iron Widow - Xiran Jay Zhao wow guys. this book fucking sucked. like I'm speechless. you'd think that with the crazy popular rep it has it would have smth worth salvaging but uhhh- anyway go stream cocoon by corrupter which is iron widow if it was actually good

Fire from Heaven - Mary Renault nothing more special than a cultured fujo and her special golden shiny perfumed blorbo that everyone wants to fuck so bad <333 finally a book that healed my tsoa related trauma, the only thing that could've made it better is if hephaestion discovered brat taming

The Spear Cuts Through Water - Simon Jimenez beautiful and with such a dreamy magical atmosphere once again I LOVEEE interwoven stories, and I feel like some of the writing's style Choices are so original. it starts a bit slow tbh but I found it impossible to put down from the second half of the book til the end

Voyage of the Damned - Frances White well. it was a cherished super pretty shiny gift from a beloved friend so that's why I finished it but uh. uhhMMMMM uhghhh whhhhfhhmmm uhhhhh hmmmmm uhhhhh. yeah. I'm iconic 💅

Bad Gays: a Homosexual History - Ben Miller, Huw Lemmey ill be honest I didn't expect to like this book as much as I did but its really nice!! its a critique and analysis of white male gayness told through the lives of some Notable Controversial Homos, and I liked how it rlly paints a full picture not only of their lives but also of the socio-political landscape that shaped them and the concept of queernes of the time. only lil gripe tho is why there was only One woman and One Japanese guy then-

[blue-jisungs]

SO BEAUTIFUL

author's note. can u tell what i was hyperfixation on when i wrote this?! a cookie for those who answer correctly (emoji) btw this song is one of my faves when it comes to ian :( right after violet crazy and scaredy cat.......... however his whole discography is just mindblowing so its hard to have a 1 fav song ngl <//3

summary. idk man just whipped prince!joshua ...

genre. atla-ish !! its not the main plot but there's mention of element benders lolzies, royal setting (prince!joshu, army general!y/n), situationship/non-established relationship between them

warnings. blood, wounds (kinda descriptive, im sorry), fighting, mention of war and killing people (i mean yn is in army so....), cursing, one suggestive joke but i mean,, it was there like... it was stronger than me..., not a warning but emphasis on fem reader, yn kinda has a breakdown :(

word count. 3878

joshua ran his hand through his hair, letting out a small sigh. he was reading a book but his mind seemed unable to focus as the words and sentences didn’t make sense in his head. 

“you’ve been reading this one single page for ten minutes now, your highness” he heard seungkwan’s teasing voice and just looked up at his friend. 

“i’m aware of that, seungkwan” joshua mumbled and put the bookmark between the pages, leaving the item on a small table. 

he bit his lip and looked outside the window, the sight of mountains bringing him some peace.

joshua’s mind was uneasy due to the late return of his army. and his absence at the battlefield. 

the news of victory brought by his right hand and good friend, minghao, definitely caused him to sleep better. but before that, there had been weeks of days filled with stress and anxiety. and now, for  unknown reasons the army’s arrival was postponed – and there was no message. 

“i’m sure general l/n has everything under control” seungkwan’s voice brought joshua back to reality and he subconsciously smiled upon hearing your last name. 

maybe that was the reason why he was constant concern. he was worried about you. no, it wasn’t like he doubted your fighting abilities it’s just… anything could happen on the battle ground. besides, you weren’t a bender. obviously, every caring prince would be worried about his subordinates. the matter was that it was your first serious battle all alone. usually he was there too. or at least seungcheol, who was his father’s military advisor – also very skilled in combat. but due to his injury and the medics sharp warning he wasn’t able to go. 

joshua sighed quietly and stood up, lazily walking up to his balcony. the cold air hugged his face, a refreshing breeze filling his lungs.

another cause of his stress was… well, you’re a woman. it’s not like women don’t hold high positions in society and are well respected in the water kingdom but… army was mostly men. who knew if any of the soldiers didn’t cause you trouble. 

“i don’t think that the ball is a good idea…” joshua mumbled, tracing shapes on the marble railing. 

“whether you like it or not, your mother had already decided. majority of our alliances arrived” seungkwan shrugged and turned around upon the sound of knocking. joshua looked through his shoulder, expectant. 

it was minghao. 

it must have been good news since he was shining. 

“they’re here” 

before the prince could pass him in the door, minghao cleared his throat. 

“y/n is resting though” 

joshua stopped in his tracks, not even realising there's a smile that appeared – dropped now slowly. 

“is she hurt?” he asked, worry in his voice. seungkwan closed the balcony door and joined the water kingdom’s prince's side. 

“no, no. not as far as i know. she’s just exhausted and needs to prepare for the ball. and the paper work, losses and such… it’d be better if you didn’t bother her” minghao suggested softly. “wonwoo is to your disposal though”

wonwoo, the lieutenant general. that’s fine, he’ll just ask about you. 

joshua nodded and left in silence. seungkwan and minghao exchanged playful looks. 

joshua could not sit still. his mother sent him numerous looks but his eyes weren’t focused at her at all. he scanned the crowd in search of you. 

his mother was oh so kind to postpone the ball to the next day, letting the soldiers rest. as he noticed, most of them made it. you surely would be here too, right? you were the general after all. 

then it struck him like thunder. 

there you were, in the midst of people. a flowy, light blue dress on your body gently falling onto the floor. he knew you got the access to the best sewers in the kingdom but this time… your dress really reminded him of water. maybe it was the silver linings in it? or just the lightness of the fabric? either way, you looked angelic. and with your hair loose, falling like waterfalls on your shoulders. 

as the great warrior you were, you sensed his gaze on you. sending him a small smile, looking from above your companion’s shoulder, joshua sighed dreamily. 

your lips moved and then you walked past the man you talked to, stepping directly into joshua’s direction. he cleared his throat, his sight on you. 

“my queen” you hummed and bowed gently to his mother first, then you held eye contact with him with another bow “my prince”

“general l/n, you’re truly the shining star of our army. we’ve heard the tales and i must say, i admire your vigour and dedication” his mother said. you bowed again.

“thank you, my queen. i’m proud i can serve our country” you nodded, smiling gently. joshua adored your face, not being able to get enough of it. especially after your three-months long absence. 

“mother if you don’t mind, you’ll hear the stories later. now i’m going to kidnap general l/n for a minute” 

before you knew it, his hand tenderly interlocked with yours as he lead you to the dance floor. landing in the middle, below the silver chandelier that lit up your face in the prettiest ways possible, the prince placed a feather-light kiss atop of your hand. 

the music started, the royal sounds of cello and violins ripping through air; joshua led the dance, his ebony eyes scanning your face. his features were overtaken by the look of how much he missed you, you could tell it by his eyes only. the soft curve of his smile made your heart melt, fingers brushing against his neck. 

“so beautiful” he hummed deeply, heart almost aching with joy. why was it like this? he thought he thought it through but now he was just confused; why does his heart hurt when you’re finally within his reach? 

”so, so beautiful” joshua repeated, daring to glance at your lips “i missed you dearly” 

you huffed, letting him sway to the rhythm of music. because he was an excellent water bender, he was one with the flow – whether it was his element or music. he guided you through the sounds of instruments, which made you emotional. hearing the sound of them after months away from your homeland… 

“aren’t you tired? are you fine?” joshua asked, care in his voice. he had you so close yet so far. in his arms but unable to caress your cheek or kiss your lips. 

you shook your head, scanning his face. maybe you missed him too, after all. 

“i’m perfectly fine now” you whispered and his look was more expressive than words; he understood what you meant: you missed him too. 

the melody came to a halt and it was like a string snapped in front of your eyes, the sudden sound of chatter making you go back to reality. 

“i’m sure there’s plenty of young ladies willing to dance with you. i shall not keep you busy” you said. joshua opened his mouth, protesting. 

“let’s take a trip down a darker place, the garden has really improved when you were absent” he almost whined, begging with his eyes so you’d spare him even a mere moment alone. 

suddenly, wonwoo approached you. he leaned in to whisper something in your ear, concern on his face. you nodded, features getting colder than snow blasting in the harshest of winters. he knew that look, it meant trouble; it meant an approaching threat.

“i’d be more than willing to. however, there happened to be an urgent matter that needs to be taken care of. i…” you hesitated and sent a look to wonwoo. he understood since he left right away. only then quiet words left your mouth “i’ll meet you in your chamber later, shu” 

his heart skipped a beat, nodding. his eyes followed your figure, finally at peace that you’re back.

an outsider would never think that you’re a general, one of the skillest people in the kingdom when it came to combat. whilst being a non-bender, which was quite impressive. you were just so… flowy, glowing and gentle. oh, gentle you truly were… 

“...the fuck you mean we had a tail?” you hissed, poking wonwoo’s chest and then taking a deep sigh “well fuck me, that’s just fucking great!”

“i bet your highness would want to do that” wonwoo cleared his throat, your hand slapping his arm in an instant.

“lieutenant general jeon, i ask you to behave accordingly to the situation. there is a risk of coup, the life of the royal bloodline is on the line and you dare to make a joke?” you said coldly, making wonwoo shiver. then, you suddenly snickered “i do admire your timing though. and now tell me more” 

you and wonwoo were close, it’s not like it was out of his manner to joke like this. but the fact that there might be a spy in the castle right now… 

“chan came across the traces and him and others made an assumption we’re followed by an fire nation soldier who survived the battle” wonwoo gave you the details. 

your light dress rustled on the late afternoon wind, breeze running through its fabric. you closed our eyes, fingers tightening on the marble railing of a terrace. 

there were two choices in this situation: announce there might be a spy and transport the royal family into a guarded place, which may result in panic and rumours spreading (including those about your incompetence). however, the spy might run off or give in. the second option: stay silent and don’t let anyone suspect a thing, take care of the spy with your own hands. risks: people getting hurt, especially the king or queen. or prince. 

“do we know where they might be now?” you asked, looking through your shoulder at the crowded ballroom. chatter, dancing, music… people living to the fullest. and joshua being there too. 

“we do have suspicions that they might be nearby, we found some traces near your… your, um, house” wonwoo answered, your eyes shifting. 

“so they want me, huh?” you sighed. that was far better than the royals getting hurt. staring at the sunset, a wide palette of oranges and yellows melting into one, you nodded. “inform the guards, keep an eye on any suspicious activity. i’ll go check if they’re still around my place. report immediately if anything happens”

“yes, general” wonwoo saluted and walked away, feeling the breath of urgency on his neck. 

adoring the sunset for a little longer, watching it morph into a navy night sky; you decided to go before it got too dark. 

joshua was walking around his chamber, footsteps echoing due to the largeness of it. it was past midnight, almost 6 hours since you left the ballroom… did you change your mind? you didn’t want to come? 

he let out a deep sigh, plopping on his bed and staring at the book he was reading. 

joshua was a prince and enjoyed literature, he has read countless and countless books and genres. he especially found an interest in old romance but all of them had a similar scheme when it came to relationships: the woman was the one to be head over heels whipped for the guy. she’d blush when someone mentioned his name, she’d miss him dearly when he’s on his adventurous voyages, she’d dream of him even in her sleep. he never read a book with an opposite order of things. and yet… here he was, waiting for you like a lost puppy. while his heart sought after you, his mind was worried about your wellbeing during your army shenanigans, he longed to hear, see or touch you even for a mere moment longer. 

huffing like an displeased child, he laid on the bed. if you come, you come. and he’ll be asleep. that way, you’ll know he doesn’t cares that deeply—

knock knock. knock knock knock knock. 

joshua frowned, sitting up. it could be you but… it wasn’t your usual knock.

the door opened with a quiet creak. you were leaning against the doorframe , upper body leaning forward with hair falling on your face.

“took you long enough” joshua mumbled and stood up, when you suddenly started sliding down the doorframe lifelessly. he ran up to you, kneeling down and grabbing your hands. frighteningly cold hands “what’s wrong?”

his voice remained strong unlike his heart. you gathered all your willpower and raised your head, fighting the dropping eyelids. 

“my back…” you croaked out, leaning forward but only ending up in his embrace. 

he did not image your reunion like that. 

joshua gently moved his hands to your back and his fingers met with something… sticky…? the flowy material of your dress was ripped, the warmth of the liquid contrasting with the low temperature of your body.

“y/n, what happened?” he asked, voice stern yet revealing a hint of worry. 

“i’ll explain later just… help me, shu. please” you breathed out, the air tickling his neck. joshua gulped, his adam’s apple bobbing, and he grabbed you in bridal style. 

placing you on his queen sized bed, rolling gently to the side, his mind was racing with thoughts. what happened? were you attacked? was it a fresh wound? 

“i’ll rip the dress, only on the back. i apologize, ill buy you thousands of new ones just… breathe for me, alright?” he stuttered, putting on some light. 

only then his eyes saw how serious was your wound. he took a sharp inhale, throat going dry. 

there was a deep wound going across your back, left arm to almost the side of your right hip. it looked like a sword left such a mark. 

joshua quickly opened the handy tap he had in his chamber and didn’t bother to pour it into bowl. 

he bent water straight from the tap, focusing deeply. trying to connect with his inner peace and energy but his rapid heartbeat seemed to disturb him too much.

“focus, jisoo” he grunted to himself, slender fingers shaking “y/n, talk to me. you need to stay conscious” 

“won’t talking take my oxygen that i desperately need–” you started.

“yeah, you’re right. be quiet” he scoffed, trying to light up the mood. then he moved his hands slowly from the beginning to your wound to the end of it. very slowly, surely. still like water, his palms flat but fingers directing the stream of liquid. you groaned, curling your back. 

it wasn’t the first time joshua was patching you up but it definitely was the first time he knew it’s dead serious… and seeing you in such pain. 

another thing was that at the back of his mind there was a sprouting thought that he won’t be able to close the wound completely. not with his heart all over the place. 

joshua took a deep breath, focusing on the element flowing through his body. not on you… in pain… bleeding out on his bed… 

“’m sorry” 

at first, he didn’t hear it. only when he heard a sob, he realized that it’s you. 

“hey, no. don’t apologize, that’s an order. it’s a deep wound, i know it hurts but im trying my best and we’ll talk it out later. 

inch by inch, millimetre by millimetre, thanks to his healing abilities your skin started clasping the wound. he wasn’t sure which technique to use – layer by layer or pieces at once but the crimson liquid pouring out of your pale back made him chose the first one. which will lead to leaving a scar. 

joshua began to feel worn out, despite all the hours of training that prepared him for such situations. but he knew that if he stopped now, you could die. 

“shu…” you mumbled, shaking like a leaf. your voice was quiet, weak. he felt time slipping through his fingers. 

brows knitting, sweat dripping down his temple, joshua shook his head. despite strength leaving him, he promised himself to restore as much as possible. 

you looked through your arm, pearly tears shimmering in the moonlight. joshua’s heart ached, as if someone put a needle right through it.

“i know, i’m sorry but i beg, a few more minutes…” he croaked, feeling lightheaded. 

“you’re exhausting yourself, stop it” a whisper escaped your lips “shu, please” 

“no, you need to live” he grunted. you frowned and tried to sit up, causing him to gasp “are you insane?”

“give me the bandage and go call the medics. i don’t want you to pass out” you ordered, reaching for his hand. 

joshua put the last ounces of water and energy into your body, leaning to close the tap. then, he dug in one of his drawers.

you were still bleeding but far less than when you barged in. he handed you the material and wiped the tears, sweat and blood off your face. 

“i’ve got this now. go get some help, please” you sent him a weak smile. 

joshua cursed mentally and left quickly. you were probably right.

once he was back with jun, jihoon and seokmin, they took care of you. the oldest one gave you some herbs that would put you to sleep as they worked on your wound. joshua insisted that it all took place inside his chamber. 

they were done around 3am, leaving you two alone. the prince managed to get rid of the blood stained duvet and covered you in a blanket that was on his couch. 

them, he laid down next to you. the moonlight shone on your pale face, parted lips making an escape for soft snores. your chest was rising up and down a lot more calmly, joshua could feel your energy being more vivid that before. it was stable now, like a steam of water in the woods rather than dried out lake. 

“you always have to cause some trouble, huh?” he scoffed and reached his hand out, caressing your cheek gently. even in deep slumber after getting hurt you were so beautiful. 

he noticed your brows furrowing and fingers twitching. your breathing sped up, yet you remained asleep. joshua observed you cautiously.

“no… don’t… don’t kill him” you mumbled, shifting in your sleep. his eyes widened, realizing you’re having a nightmare “anyone but… but my shu”

joshua’s heart melted on spot, pleasant warmth flooding his insides.

“you can’t even get a rest, can you?” he huffed and shuffled closer, guiding your head onto his chest. you instantly nuzzled closer, arms instinctively wrapping around his body. 

with an uneasy mind, he caressed your hair. your breathing calmed down so he wondered if the nightmare went away. 

joshua stuck his gaze into the open window, unable to relax. stars barely shone on the navy horizon, covered by clouds. it seemed like the sky couldn’t sleep either. 

upon stirring awake you instantly knew (even without opening your eyes) that you’re in joshua’s bed. it was much more softer than your bed but above all, it had the comfort. you felt warm and secure; cozy in his hold. joshua had his arm wrapped around you, fingers tracing shapes on your skin. 

peeking an eye open you noticed he’s holding a book with his other hand, eyes tracking the text. 

you wanted to stay like this forever. 

then, a stinging pain ran through your back and you trembled, causing him to shift his worried gaze at you. he gasped softly. 

“you’re awake” joshua hummed and leaned closer, placing a gentle kiss on your forehead. 

you melted because of the gesture, nuzzling further into his neck. 

“how do you feel?” he asked, worry in his voice. 

“better, much better. thank you, shu. i apologize for the mess i made” you mumbled, resting his palm on his chest. he put his hand over it, caressing your skin. 

joshua missed this so much. he missed you. 

silence was hanging between you two, an unspoken question of “what happened?” hanging above your head. 

“may i see wound?” he asked suddenly. you nodded, your hair tickling his skin. 

he helped you sit straight and handed you one of his sleeping cloth to cover the front of your body. 

joshua gently moved your hair from your back, his fingertips ghosting over your skin. goosebumps covered your arms.

“you know… you always say i’m so beautiful” you started quietly. joshua hummed in acknowledgment to let you know that he’s listening. then, he shuffled something closer and put it on the bed “but i’m not. i’m so ugly, joshua. my soul is ugly”

“that is not true, y/n” he protested sternly as his delicate fingers worked on removing the bandage. his touches were soft, almost as if he was afraid to touch you.

“i’m a soldier, shu. i hurt people. and yesterday… there was a spy. he sneaked up on me, threatened to kill you. and that triggered me i just… couldn’t bare that thought. and i saw red… he used my distraction and tripped me, slicing in the back” you stuttered, throat going dry “i’m a failure. i almost let him escape, your life was at risk and i couldn’t control my emotions…”

his movement halted for a while, the quietness od the room making your soft pants sound much more louder than you’d like to. 

“you are not a failure. you had led our army to victory, several times” joshua resumed and you felt the calming stream of water. then, you felt a soothing sensation spreading over your wound. 

joshua was bending to recover your wound, or at least make it heal quicker and more effectively. 

“yeah but… i’m a bad person” you mumbled, playing with your fingers. 

he stopped bending and put a new bandage over your wound, it still not being clasped fully.  

joshua patted your arm and you put his shirt on, turning around. 

“you know why i always say you’re so beautiful?” joshua asked and once you faced him, he grabbed your chin gently “obviously i mean your looks too but above all, i treasure your soul. you’re such a pure, dedicated human”

you swallowed, his soft features warming your heart. 

“this situation must have made you feel upset and not worthy but you’re so appreciated. my your subordinates, friends… by me. as much as i admire your readiness to sacrifice for me but please, i beg, don’t do it next time” joshua hummed, his thumb moving in soothing manner “i’d rather die myself than live without you”

“don’t say that” you scoffed, shaking your head gently “our country needs a leader”

“and i need you” joshua replied, moving his hands to cup your face “please, y/n. you’re so precious to me… so–“

“if you say beautiful i’ll smack you” you let out a laugh and he couldn’t help but share a smile. 

“but it’s true” he grinned and closed the gap between you two, lips crashing on yours. you shared a passionate kiss, a one that lovers after reunion share. 

but truth be told, you were like all those lovers in old tales. 

and maybe this time, there’s going to be a flawless ending: making it official.

main masterlist | event masterlist

taglist. @mirxzii ,, @primoppang ,, @l3visbby ,, @nicholasluvbot ,, @planetkiimchi ,, @weird-bookworm ,, @slytherinshua ,, @kazmura ,, @laylasbunbunny ,, @dazzlingligth ,, @eternalgyuuu ,, @rubywonu ,, @haecien ,, @mine-gyu

[sharklovingaquarist]

Nothing really lets you know the reality of a mans mindset like hearing them talk when they think only other men are listening. I'm tired of seeing the inside world of men. I grew up being the "cool girl," and it's just impossible. In order to respect oneself, you have to migrate to an extreme.

I saw a video that was like "that one guy who respects women too much" and it was a bunch of guys and one goes "my girl just got her period shes not pregnant" all excited n shit. The way that men talk about sex, conception, and pregnancy legit makes me get a stress rash. Every single aspect both seperates them, whilst prioritizing their feelings. Lets unpack this

She is not "your girl" she is a partner. This idea that "she's not pregnant" not "we didn't concieve" really proves to me how men both see women as their tools whilst seeing their feelings as more important in a situation where a fetus is concieved. Kinda like saying, "Thank God I didn't pop my tire." it both credits men with "getting women pregnant" while acting like they themselves are just bystanders. All the while, they worry about the impact on them rather than the woman who would go through that process and how they would serve her wellbeing. She is your partner. When you have sex with her, you are agreeing to a contract of possible servitude. ESPECIALLY if you decide that putting a piece of plastic on your pathetic dick is too much work. Another sign that they can take an action, but the only one they see as defined by it is you. Be it taking your "virginity" or stretching a vagina. You are not a person they bond with and build a team with, just a means to an end.

While you can be excited that you didn't concieve a child, both only concerning her and only caring about the effect on you really does highlight how women are just a secondary they collect and show off.

And as for the "respects women too much" part, it was some guy saying it wasn't something to be proud of... which yeah it's not. Men make ironic videos and show basic respect as something crazy. "Haha, what a funny guy he views his partner as a separate, yet unified being of whom he works with, not utilizes what a guy!" Tbh, I didn't watch much after that. I can't stand the way men create banter around it. They can never be normal. Either you're "their woman" or you're "goddess creator of all life", never just a human like them whose differences fit to theirs like a puzzle piece.

Not to mention the idea of your male partner talking about you like that behind your back. I can't describe it very well, but the manner and tone in which they say it to their male friends is just revolting. Talking about my body like an object when you were the one not taking measures to avoid a team effort makes me feel sick. You're a fucking trophy and they're the actual humans unreliable on another being. They don't talk about it in a sense of "period = proof that WE didn't cause something" and further more don't see it as "your body because youre the stronger of us two when it comes to roles in reproduction". It's all paired with such an insulting connotation.

Idk, it's the simple ways they word it that just infuriates me. Once you start to unpack it, you can't go back. Men view you as a box they fill or keep empty. You are the one defined by them. Owned by them. They don't with you, they do to you. Your definition revolves them, much like a dog given an occupation by its owner. You are xyz and only add to their story. You function to add to their story while they revolve themselves

Sorry, this was a bit of a rant, but good lord hearing men even open their mouths just makes me cringe. They'll do anything but see you as a human on their level. Im running off a little sleep, so please excuse anything redundant. College is beating my assssss

[tmntforeverinmyheart]

I unironically love the mutant apocalypse, and really wish there was more content of it. I mean it paved the way for rises future that fans seem to worship. It’s unfortunate that the designs kinda sucked (looking at you leo) and how the bridge between the mutagen bomb and 50 years into the further is basically unknown. Like how did leo of all people become a cruel wasteland king? What tragic accident befell casey, april and karai for them to be nonexistent? What did raph and donnie do for 50 years? What happened to mikey to make him go crazy? So many questions left unanswered, so im gonna make content of my version of the mutant apocalypse for awhile cause i love them, it feeds my angsty soul lol

Leo retains bits and pieces of his past life. Unfortunately most of his memories have become disconnected from each other. He remembers a man or a mutant? Spikes of metal and skin, silver armour encasing his whole body, the man’s heart, pulsing with green. Green what? Leo didn’t know. He remembers colours, red, purple and orange. One radiating warmth and a fiery temper, one cold and calculating but with a softness, one filled with love and brightness. What do they mean? He thought back to the man (mutant?) how monstrous he looked. looking down at himself he could see the resemblance between the memory and his reality. The man felt most familiar, and unlike the colours was more in focus. He carried an air of superiority and held himself with pride. Leo wanted to be like him. A path has been chosen for him and he will follow it.

Note: Leo does not actually remember his name, I just wanted to make it obvious who the character was.

Tw blood

Donnie and Raph stayed together. Raph had to be his younger brothers protector, in this strange new world their ninja skills wouldn’t be enough, not in the state they were in. They wandered together, searching for their missing family members. Surviving on through the ever changing climate on scraps, raw meat, mutant flesh, it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was staying alive and finding their brothers.

Mikey was separated from his brothers in the aftermath of the mutagen bomb, Eventually finding his way back to the sewer. His home was in disarray. Luckily he still had one friend he could count on. Ice cream kitty practically hug-attacked mikey when he opened the freezer. Mikey stayed in his home, finishing off the food in the fridge and cupboard. There wasn’t much to do really. He played cards with kitty. Failed to meditate, and looked at old photos. 10 years passed by and eventually the fridge and freezer stopped working and he had to go searching for another safe haven to keep his friend from melting. He found a still working pizza place and hunkered down. This pattern continued for a number of years. He traveled all over New York to different grocery, ice cream and pizza stores to keep kitty alive. Mikey became sickly from eating so much outdated and even moldy food. Mikey had to resort to eating his infinite ice cream friend. He grew hair at some point, which was odd (he didn’t even know that was possible), it was curly and unkept. He would braid his hair into different shapes to pass the time. The world around him was crumbling, seeming more and more out of a sci-fi movie everyday. He stayed in his head a lot, imagining a whole new reality where he still had his family. But he couldn’t completely discount his reality, after all he had ice cream kitty.

Until he didn’t…

During his travels, Leo met many mutants. One in particular just wouldn’t leave him alone. Their first encounter was a battle over a rotten carcass. She attacked, wrapping her long body around his lower leg, cutting off his circulation. He attacked her back, swiping at her with his claws. He remembered the man with the spikes, and manipulated the skin of his arm, forming two hard spikes, he swiped at her again. She backed off with a haunted look in her eyes. “Shredder” she said quietly, before slithering away.

[theoldoor]

Is oc x canon the salvation of my art career

(Pls read the entire thing bro i cooked up some writing ramble down there)

“Daily quests” i shall name this one… (in a sophisticated old man rusty voice)

SOME POST-TALIA CONTENT OF VASH/AVEN AND A’FEN/FENRIR RRAAGGGHUHUHUHUH

—- I’m thinking of rewriting the lore for aven when he met fenrir, like is he fired from the IPC and the ship crashed in Talia as they are traveling to his little death execution place or he was never fired, the ship just crashed to Talia. If it’s the first one,,, i gotta write more….. jeueuuhhhh….. BUT IDM CUZ THE FIRST ONE IS ACTUALLY COOL but that also takes Fenrir away from meeting Topaz but for this one lets just believe he was never fired from the IPC ;3

As they’re out of Talia, they no longer have the obligation to stay with one another anymore. They don’t need each other to survive.

And you know Fenrir’s philosophy of “If I’m not wanted, let me be needed. If I’m not needed, use me until there’s nothing left.”

So, Fenrir was fully ready for Aventurine to just drop him off then and there and go dwindle with the IPC works. Yk they say when a blind man see he will throw his cane away. He learnt to read and everything, started using a lil phone so that they’d still be in contact and was just scared that he was going to be left alone now that they’re not forced to be together.

But no, Aventurine stayed, and they are still good friends. Family almost. (I know i say oc x canon and i dabble in a little romantic content at times, but if Fenrir was canon i would want them to be canonically found family. Romance is my crazy 4am yearnmaxxing thoughts.))

Fenrir was first taken aback and was distancing himself a bit, but soon warmed up to the thought that he can be loved without an external force. He can be loved without obligation. Same way with Aventurine during his time in Talia. During Talia, Aventurine did notice that Fenrir did go against his own virtues of “survival of the fittest” for him, not out of obligations, just that he cared. (Im so sick). They will learn love comes unconditionally, although it was a bit alien to them at first and kinda hated it, they won’t deny that it felt nice to be loved like that.

Talia vs post Talia

Arabian oryx x fennec fox vs Magpie x Peacock im sick as hell

Ok but back on track.

Fenrir knew Aventurine worked late hours sometimes. You know, Fenrir is an obsessive freak at times, he will know your schedule and pattern - that’s the case with Aventurine. As they are good friends, found family, yadayada, Fenrir often lend a hand with the house chores whenever he drop Aventurine off. Cleaning the house, doing the laundry, if there’s still time he’ll even cook dinner.

And it’s not like Aventurine need Fenrir to do this either. He doesn’t need Fenrir to give him a ride home, he has a personal driver for that neither does he need Fenrir to do the house chores, he’d probably have some automatic robots stuff from Dr Ratio or he bought it themselves. He let Fenrir do these things because he let Fenrir love him / he allowed himself to be loved :3

I’d also like to believe the critters and Fenrir are good friends because of his domestic nature lolol

Also, random headcanon. whenever aventurine crashes by Fenrir’s place, he’d always have the full nutritional homecooked meal and shit. but reality, fenrir would only snacks and eat takes out when aventurine is not by.

One time, aventurine crashed by surprisingly and saw the meal and fenrir was the most flustered dude out there.

—- bonus doodle (this was done in like 10 minutes dont blame me for the shit quality pls i will redraw this )

[livlaughloveluke]

Hii‼️

I read sweet dreams and it was rly good and cute. Im glad i stumbled upon your acc 😋😋

I saw your requests are open so heres some ideas:

Reader thinks jack likes one of his other coworkers (or him and r could be childhood friends) but he acc likes her idk

angsty ver: reader is very insecure

Just dorky shy ethan x sweet bubbly (maybe popular??) reader

Reader helping ethan w his daddy issues 😭

angsty ver: sad ethan not wanting to bother his girl and she reassures him its ok

Jack x interviewer

barista ethan landry and render

Jack spoiling his (celeb or non) gf on a trip

angst ver: maybe some girls at school are being mean to reader and saying that he only dates her for her body and stuff and she feels rly bad and wonders if they're right

hi!! tysm for the compliments your so sweet omg!🥺💗 i will definitely write most of these! I wrote your first idea with jack today. hope you like it!

update: i made another one 🤭 two fics in one day is crazy but ive got a lot of free time 🤷‍♀️

[rose-harmony96]

So like we are currently undiagnosed, and we experience a lot of internal doubts about our plurality. We would appreciate advice, affirmation, a reality check? Idk, something.

We are pretty certain that we are traumagenic but its not like theres some single event that stands out. We suspect we first started breaking around the time the world started to expect us to be a boy and by the time we were in elementary school we got bullied all the way into the game me and my friends used to play until it really did become real within me, the stories would run out almost automatically, my "character" was always at my side, growing, changing and evolving, eventually becoming twins and then there were all the supporting characters and even a layer of side characters, almost npcs? And like all of this, what we are calling the darkwater, thats where those of us who live up near the surface now actually grew up. The person that we used to be, the one who made the darkwater to begin with more or less got lost down there around the time things in reality went to hell around middle school, at this point those 3 years are a pretty huge memory hole save for a the friend who set off our queer/sexual awakening and the chunck of time around breaking our arm. Otherwise its just kinda loose, formless pain that we might honestly actually be able to dig something out of if we really really focused in but it hurts to try. Hischool at least we found our people, even met another plural person and immediately connected and felt less crazy. We openly explored a bit back then. Never really got into the depths of thr darkwater and all that but our(their?) Friends knew about a few of us at the time. In the darkwater, this was also the time that some version of most of us that live near the surface now started to form. Post highschool and anything that isnt us realizing that we are and freaking out because the male parts are smothering and supressimg the shit out of us is pretty blurry. Like i think we forgot about plurality as an issue for a few years there maybe or rather "oldself" was trying to smother us out or something. Then there was the first big mental breakdown/manic episode broke that deadlocked miserable fuck into the old dog and the lost little girl and like we were actually jade at the surface for a while there, not just calling ourself jade while oldself tries to numb it out but we were actually us, actually her. And like voices from the darkwater were coming. back, the scenes were more vivid... at one point in there we started listening to bambisleep and eventually bambi took root, going fucking nuts, and she ended up finding alex, who we figure was from that first split waaaaaay back when, (who had been the seed of an entire archetype whithin the darkwater). And like we were mostly bambi jade and alex for a while, more or less. Until another huge manic episode came blowing through and left jade totally shattered and our current family to pick up the pieces and maybe try to get out shit together?

And like our switching is pretty free flowing, we are all more or less around most of the time. A lot of the time we feel less like any particular individual and more like the collective will of the whole darkwater(?). We have huge holes in time and memory; but whats normal, whats drugs and like what even is amnesia. "I" have never experienced "getting thrown in the trunk" afaik but alex is pretty clear that she spent most of childhood "trapped in a box". We kinda like having our real family all together in one body and for some reason that feels invalidating or something?

This got long af and probably less coherent than we want but im gonna go ahead and post anyway, probably also send it to our theres once we get one.

-lilly, mostly i guess. Akiri as well probably.

[sp-ud]

Part 2 of a look at the new Genloss teaser except this part is just about the game on generationloss.tv

Pt 1

U start as this guy in a room he doesn't recongize, with a door that goes no where. Walking up to the static filled TV changes the scene to somewhere outside in a city.

You encounter two Friends

One who says "you know you can't be out here like this", which goes along with my theory that the character Ranboo plays might be a former Showfall Media employee who went into hiding after learning too much.

And the other says "you have to be careful around here", which is a bit vaguer, might imply this is a generally shady part of town.

I think there's a chance these might be the characters Charlie and Sneeg play. Though, admittedly the only real proof of that is the fact one of them is wearing green and the other blue. And we know they're also somehow involved in The Show.

The next screen is the most intresting. You run into a stranger who tells you to go check out the dumpster after it makes a weird clinking sound

This character, unlike everyone else, has a red censor over his face instead of black. Which is probably relevant somehow.

Anyways, you move the dumpster, and this appears

Some kinda. Pulsing red blob. Maybe a portal? Maybe this is the infinity we've been told to look into?

Staring into it leads you to some sort of glitchy run down and red-hue'd version of the world. And each character says something in binary when talked to.

I kinda want to say this is what role each of them will play, but I'm not sure I'm convinced of that as I think the Stranger might actually be a Showfall Media guy. But we'll get back to that in a second.

Next, you go stand on that button, and the glitchy screen transition that has been there for each major scene change ends with the old TV 'click' animation. Followed by this text

"You don't know what this is..."

I believe this "you" is referring to the audience (aka, us :D) once more, and how they don't understand the full reality and consequences of The Show.

Now. I think the normal half of the city part might be a replay of whatever lead to His disappearance (His/He/Him being Ranboos character for future reference, because im still on the fence about him being The Hero)

As we start with two friends warning him, followed by a stranger leading him to something strange that seems to link him to another world, something which seems to align with some of the phrasing in the Keynote video, which talked about connecting to a new frontier and said "this world" instead of like, "our world" or "the world".

And this might be what led to Him truly going missing (if I was right about the missing posters from Showfall Media being to help catch Him, not find Him.)

Which is why I'm not sure if the titles for each character is accurate. Because a character that led Him to being taken to another world isn't a Savior in any typical context.

Along with if I'm right about the green-shirted friend who warns Him that it's not safe to be out here being Charlie's character, why would that character be The Villain.

Blue-shirt who could be Sneeg being The Taken makes sense though. As the pictures of him and Charlie appeared in the Keynote with the words "Found them!" On screen, which could mean they were. You know. Taken.

Though perhaps. Stranger might be a Savior... to Showfall Media, and green-shirted friend could be a Villain to them.

And also the reason I don't know if He/Ranboos character is the Hero, is because he's the one we see being chained and electrocuted or something in the video with the description "Help Him - H". H could possibly mean "Hero".

And also I'm fairly certain ooc Ranboos vaguely implied the protagonist we follow might not be him.

Okay that's all I got rn. If anyone else wants to chime in with their own ideas, go crazy.

[mattscoquette]

Oh my literal days girl do i have a story for you. (Yap session incoming)

So basically there's the guy who I was OBSESSED WITH in like october last year and all of this year until now, im kinda losing feelings for him. I have another guy who i like and he's so scrum but anywaysssss like one of my bsfs ever (she is such a kind and genuine soul and i know she always has good intentions, she is an actual sweetheart and i cannot fathom my life without her). So like a few days ago my friend is in one of his classes and she overhears him talking about some girl he's talking to (he had just gotten snap at the time, although this wasn't long ago) and so im like damn ok reality check. anyways another one of my friends texts me about how he was talking to another girl (the same girl my friend overheard him talking about) and asked me if i knew who it was, to which i responded with no bcs i genuinely don't know. She tells me it's the first girl i mentioned before who is literally the kindest. Idk what to do bcs im seeing her tmrw and she doesn't know ik but everyone else apparently knows. I REALLY hope this doesn't affect our friendship but it's so crazy to me like whattt??? This girl knew i was so obsessed with this average guy, she knew how much i cried over him, how much i changed just so he could notice me, and does that?? It's all rumors atm but I really hope it's not true. And this girl is perfection inside and out, like the most stunning girl i have ever seen and such a sweet soul, like ofc u can have him i just wanna know why she did that yk??? Like obviously he's gonna pick her but i just wanna know if this was true or not

SORRY FOR YAP BUT I GENUINELY DONT KNWO WHAT TO DO😔😔😔

-🐞

WAIITTTT im seeing this late SORRYYY omg any updates tho???????

[thisgirlnamedblusy]

hii! im kinda having a hard time rn so i wanted to request a marilyn x fem reader. they are gfs and both work at nevermore. the reader is having a hard time with some stuff and marilyn starts to notice over a couple of days (at the house and at the school). marilyn sits the reader down and tries to talk with them but the reader just says they’re “fine”.

a couple days later while they are doing their routine before work and the reader starts breaking down into tears and explains to marilyn how they are feeling. (a lot of fluff/marilyn going full protective mode)

Yess!!! Since I've read you're not okay, I decided to give priority to your request. Look, I don't know what are the problems you're having, but you have to know that everything always is gonna be all right. I suffered a lot of problems when I was at school years ago, and those days were the worst of my life.

But now I'm a new person, and I don't care what other people thinks about me. I know I can't do nothing to cheer you up, all I can do is to write this for you, and to let you to know that here is a friend to listen to you if you want to talk to someone!! Be strong and love yourself, it's the only way to happiness :)

Every little thing, gonna be all right

Pairing: Marilyn Thornhill x Fem, Teacher! Reader

Warnings: Angst, hurt & comfort, mentions of depression

Word count: 2,254

Summary: You’re having a hard time, and there is no one who could cheer you up, or so you thought

N/A: Requests are open!!! Sorry about the delays, I’m working hard on your requests. I love you all!!! Sorry about the language mistakes, and please, be happy, life is wonderful!!!

The beep of the alarm clock brought you out of one of your anguishing nightmares. Normally you had no problem getting up, but for a few days, it was more difficult than ever. You turned off that horrible sound with a sudden blow and looked at the ceiling with a blank look.

“Another shitty day…” You whispered in a low voice.

Next to you, your girlfriend moved as she did every morning, hugging you half asleep.

“Good morning… (Y/N),” she said with her voice still asleep.

You hugged her to your chest.

Marilyn wasn't the problem. There was really nothing wrong with your life. You had a job, a house, a perfect girlfriend. Anyone looking at your life from the outside could be envious. That wasn't what made you wake up tired, sad.

It was some kind of transitory phase, or so you thought. Stress was also to blame. It was exam time and you had a lot of work. You stayed up very late correcting and that also led to a terrible lack of sleep.

You were depressed, listless, but you couldn't show it, not in front of her. Marilyn was so kind and so protective that she would surely call Larissa to tell her that you couldn't go to work, that you needed her care and words of encouragement. You probably needed them, but you didn't want to admit it.

It was enough that you were like this. You didn't want your girlfriend to suffer. She was too empathetic and you didn't want to give her a hard time. You decided to hide.

“Good morning, Mari,” you said, feigning a happier tone. She snuggled closer to you with a warm smile.

“I don't want to go to work…” She whispered childishly. “I want to stay here with you.”

If it wasn't for her, you'd be completely lost. Her words were the only thing that kept you tied to reality. Without her you would have gone completely crazy.

A thunder was heard outside. The weather was not helping your spirit. It hadn't stopped raining for three days, and that could depress even Marilyn, who always seemed like the happiest person in the world.

The idea of getting out of work was tempting, but you shook your head, noticing how the redhead fell asleep again.

“Come on, lazy girl. Larissa is going to kill us if we're late again,” you said, shaking her gently. She made a groan of protest as you pulled back the covers and looked up at you with a tired look.

“Lately we've never been late…” She sighed, sitting up on the bed. You were taking off your pajamas to get into the shower and you looked at her with some embarrassment. She was right. Normally your love made you lose track of time in the mornings. You've already been reprimanded several times for being more than an hour late.

But not anymore. You hadn't made love for days. You knew Marilyn didn't want to bring it up. Your tiredness was very evident in your eyes. You felt guilty, worthless for not being able to give your girlfriend all the love you had for her. That conversation would come soon, but you tried to make it as late as possible.

“I know, there's a lot of work and…” You started to excuse yourself, taking off your pajama shirt. Marilyn smiled warmly at you, and she hugged you from behind, kissing your now bare shoulder.

“Calm down, (Y/N). It wasn't a reproach...” She whispered to you, giving you a pat on the back. “Just an observation,” she teased, winking at you.

You made a superhuman effort to smile back as you went into the bathroom. A hot shower would certainly do you good, but you can’t have good luck even with that.

“Ahhh! Damn!” You yelled, feeling a jet of icy water on your body. Marilyn ran in.

“My God, what's wrong?” The redhead asked, stunned by your abrupt reaction.

“The, the hot water…” You stammered. “It, it doesn't work…” Your words trailed off at the same time that the water began to heat up.

Marilyn shook her head and gave a slightly wary smile.

“(Y/N), you have to wait a while, you know…” She told you, incredulous by your reaction.

You were angry. Angry for making a fool of yourself, for feeling frustrated and for not being able to vent. You would never think of paying for it with her. It wasn't her fault, no one was.

Things were as always. A hot shower with your girlfriend, a quick breakfast, and a horrible cold when you leave the house.

“Let's go in my car today,” you said, pressing the keys’ button. Marilyn nodded, but when she turned her gaze, her face changed.

“Umm, (Y/N)…” she said shyly, nodding towards the vehicle.

“What?” You asked, opening the door. The rain was starting to wear off your patience. Marilyn only pointed to one of the wheels. “Oh, no”

It was punctured. Definitely everything around you seemed to be against you. You snorted and leaned your head against the vehicle.

“Surely it was the other day branch. I told you we should have taken a better look,” The redhead said, putting a hand on your back.

You pursed your lips and stepped away from the car. You had to make a great effort not to answer rudely or abruptly.

“Yeah, I've noticed, thanks,” you said with your voice a little wrapped in anger.

The road to Nevermore was as boring as ever. Whenever you weren't driving, you were the DJ, playing upbeat and uplifting music to start the day off right. Not that day, you only listened to the local radio station.

“(Y/N), are you alright? Normally I have to fight with you to turn down the music,” Marilyn asked you.

You looked at her briefly and then put your head back on your hand.

“My head hurts,” you lied, although the lie was even worse.

“Don't worry, when we arrive we'll ask the nurse for an aspirin and…”

“No, no, no. I'll pass. It must be the pressure change due to the storm...”

There was no further conversation and you were grateful that it was so. You didn't want to speak badly to her, she didn't deserve it. She gave everything for you, always, and you used to do the same. You used to.

The classes were bad. Your patience was running low, and you didn't feel like joking like you used to. You were abrupt, sulking, not wanting to put up with the whispers of the kids. Naturally they noticed and kept silent, looking at you almost fearfully.

The bell rang and you felt a certain release.

“Go away...” You sighed, letting yourself fall into the chair. The students looked at you strangely, surely wondering where their usual teacher was, the one who always joked when explaining a writer’s life.

It was too late for lunch and too early to dinner. You pulled out a file cabinet full of overdue papers and began to read them, angrily pulling out your red marker. There was going to be a lot of bad results.  

“Stupid, stupid!” You said furiously, putting a huge X on one of the jobs. “It's not Marie Curie, it's Mary Shelley, you idiot!”

“(Y/N), don't be so hard on them, they do what they can,” the redhead told you, leaning on the door.

You shook your head and closed your eyes, trying to stay calm.

“What are you doing here?” You asked, noticing how hard it was for you to move your muscles to fake a smile.

“You haven't come for lunch, I assumed you were busy,” she said bending down to give you a kiss. “Oh, I almost forgot, here.”

Marilyn reached into her pocket and offered you what looked like one of your favorite candy bars.

“Thank you Marilyn, you're always taking care of me…” You sighed, taking the appetizer and looking at it melancholy. The redhead bent down and she kissed you again, but this time she didn't pull away, she just stared at you, as if she was examining your expression.

“Honey, lately you've been a bit... Apathetic. Excuse me but I think something is wrong with you,” she told you, caressing your cheek.

Nothing went unnoticed by her. You shook your head, feeling a familiar ache in your throat and the sensation of blurry vision.

“N, no… I'm fine, Mari, just a little tired,” you said, praying that the tears weren't too evident in your eyes.

“Sweetie… If something happens to you, all you have to do is…”

“I'm fine, Marilyn, really. I'm sorry, but I'm kind of busy and…”

Your girlfriend's look turned sad, disappointed, but she nodded and walked out the door without saying a word.

You couldn't feel worse.

The rest of the day was boring. Marilyn came to see you a couple of times, and you to her, but barely speaking. You only looked into space with a lost look, noticing how the gray clouds in the sky were a faithful reflection of your feelings.

The next day…

That thunderous beeping again. That beep that brought you back to reality. The routine was slowly killing you.

When you opened your eyes you didn't even feel like complaining or saying a bad word. You just got out of bed, not letting Marilyn hold you. You walked towards the kitchen as if you were a zombie, an automaton condemned to do the same thing over and over again. You started the coffee maker and you stayed contemplating how the coffee was coming out.

“(Y/N), you woke up early…” A sleepy Marilyn said, walking towards you and hugging you from behind, kissing your shoulder like every day.

“I wanted to make coffee…” You said resignedly, taking two cups from the cupboard. “Do you want some?”

“Of course,” she told you happily, sitting on the stool.

You ate breakfast in silence. Marilyn seemed just as happy as ever, but you were staring at the mesmerized counter and its design marks.

“I've been thinking…” Marilyn said as she got dressed. You were sitting on the bed and you looked at her slowly, coming out of your dark world of sadness and desolation. We could go on vacation in two weeks. “You know... Just you and me, with no Nevermore, no students or exams.”

You nodded with a slight smile. You still had the towel wrapped around your body. Your clothes for that day were on top of a chair, but something prevented you from taking them. Maybe it was the weather.

“I have thought about Florida. Also, we can go to see alligators, I know you like them.”

You couldn't take it anymore. The tears that were forming in your eyes finally found their way down your cheeks. It was a lot of pressure kept for many days. At some point they had to get out.

Marilyn turned around and her face changed completely. She ran towards you and crouched looking at you concerned, grabbing your hand.

“My girl… If you don't like Florida we can go to another…”

“No, it's not that, Mari…” You sobbed, grabbing her hand tightly. “I lied to you, Marilyn.”

“What?” She asked scared.

“Yes, something is wrong with me, I just, I just don't know what it is...”

“My love... Why didn't you tell me?”

“I didn't know what to tell you... I don't know what's wrong with me...” You said broken into tears. Marilyn sat next to you on the bed and wiped away your tears.

“Try it, honey… I want to help you,” she told you softly. You shook your head and took a breath.

“I feel submerged in a gray and routine world. Everything is stressful. The classes, the exams. I feel as if I were in a hamster wheel, rolling over and over again,” you explained in the best way that your tears allowed.

“That's normal, honey, it happens to a lot of people…” She told you, holding your other hand.

“I Don't know. I don't feel like anything…” You kept crying, being unable to stop yourself.

“My poor girl…” She whispered, pulling you towards her. “Come here, let me give you some love...”

Gently, Marilyn cradled you in her arms. Your tears wouldn't stop coming, but it was comforting to let them go. You had been holding them back for a long time. You didn't know exactly what the reasons were, but little by little you began to feel better, feeling safe as she slowly cooed to you. The silence was broken by a soft hum.

“Mmmm, don't worry… about a thing…” She sang softly. Her voice was so soft that it made your heart beat faster. “Come on, you know the lyrics...”

“Cause…Every Little thing…Gonna be all right…” You sang with a broken voice…

You stayed that way for a moment, singing softly as you swayed.

It was hard to believe, but you felt much better. She was everything you could want. Sometimes you doubted that she was normi. She had the power to paint the grayest things in many colors, to make the sun rise in the cloudiest and stormiest sky.

“Marilyn…” You said, wiping away what was left of your tears.

“Hmm?”

“I would really like to go on vacation with you… Wherever you want…”

The redhead smiled and she kissed you on the lips, probably sensing the salty taste of your tears.

“I love you, (Y/N)…” “Me too Mari… Me too…”

[celestie0]

at what age did you experience ur first real love? i’m about to turn 20 and i feel no hope for myself. maybe my standards are too high but i legit can’t see myself with someone. i’ve had only one relationship back when i was 17 but it only lasted a few months, idk it just felt like a fling to me

sorry if this is so random 😭😭

hi bb! i’m so super bad with feelings of love because i feel like i’ve gaslit myself into thinking ive fallen in love w people in the past but in reality it was just infatuation LOL

but hmm i’d say the first time i experienced real love would be when i was 19 with a guy i met my first year of college? i’ve talked ab him before lol he inspired one of my fics, but yeah tbh i think i’ve only felt love for one other person since then, but it’s been a couple years since i’ve been in any sort of serious relationship haha i explored a lot of dating in my early adulthood years but haven’t really been open to seeing people recently (mostly bc i’ve known for a while that i’ll be moving soon for school lol but also i don’t think i’m quite ready to be in another relationship again)

i’m sorry you’re feeling that way ;( i think it’s normal to feel uncertain about things such as love or relationships, especially at your age since 20 is very young, and i think everyone’s journey is different. some people have to sift through many partners from an early age n even then may not feel like they’ve found true connection, while for others it may come in the form of just one person they were never expecting to have met in the first place! my cousin was single well into her late twenties but she met her husband right before she finished grad school n they got married last year :”) i really don’t think there’s any sort of set timeline for these things, especially matters of the heart

i know it’s hard to picture yourself being with someone if you feel inexperienced or scared, which is all totally normal, but i think as you grow n evolve as a person, the way you see yourself in that light can change as well. i didn’t kiss or have sex w a guy until i got to college, so throughout high school when my friends were having boyfriends n stuff i felt really self conscious n like i was falling behind somehow, but looking back at it now im happy w the way things were n the way things are bc i know what i want n also i know what i myself am capable of giving someone else rn

but also i chalk a lot of it up to just the way our generation has been set up to socialize lmfaoo there really is a loneliness pandemic i think! it’s crazy how there’s many ways to communicate, and yet somehow it’s a struggle to create n maintain connections w people haha i talk ab this w my friends all the time. it’s very real n valid n you’re def not alone in how you feel

hope this answers bb sorry if this is kinda long :””) but im wishing the best for you! <33

[hydratedcognizance]

gaslighting ourselves

well i mustve hit a money spot

because so much is coming up around gaslighting

being gaslit

and even where we gaslight ourselves

this is of course learnt.. and why i like that reasoning is it takes the “you” out of the equation, releases blame and eases responsibility easier

we are on this earth with all different purposes

this is learnt, this is normal

this is no ones fault

this is something we are just dealing with

and when we deal with it, it creates a ripple effect

and dealing with it is first seeing it

but anyways

ive talked about gaslighting in all my posts from today,

and im hitting something thats really huge for me right now

the whys, wonderings, what is this feeling

i understand now

gaslighting

its opening up something thats bigger than what i had anticipated

this is like monumental lol

and it all lines up with psychological western medicine

and where i believe these 3 and 4 letter abbreviations come from that explain mental trauma and untapped spiritual gifts

gaslighting and being disconnected from self

usually from a young age

because kids are known to “not know”

and yet kids are the closest thing to the subconscious that we as adults can get in our conscious realities lol

broad statement, just came out flowing though

and i feel like with gaslighting its something that really isn’t meant to harm

it can even be a form of protection

some sort of protection from danger, but it disconnects us from our thinking brain and shared reality of another individual

so we end up searching and wondering as to why we feel this way

over active conscious minds

because it wasnt taught

and then our brains are kinda like, well ive never dealt with this before

and it goes into a fear cycle of well what can happen

just trying to piece all this together lol

and our brains then are running

because thats their job

to think, but they’re running inefficiently due to the disconnect from reality

so we think and think about the probable cause for said reaction internally

but we cant find it because its been told to us that that nothing is actually going on

so the pathways towards said solution to current feeling was never established we just got all these fears rummaging around

and then the problem grows really

it festers, and i see someone grabbing at straws

its what it feels like

i feel its like something that has just been created through societies evolution and now its in the early workings of healing from these defense mechanisms

lol

yeah

its weird to to think back in my life and i do feel like for majority of my life i was conscious to my surroundings

ive always been aware of energy and how i feel around people

i dont have real solid memories like some people rememeber crazy shit

but i remember my grammy and i always hanging out like friends

like even as a young kid

i always felt older

i knew social queues lol however you spell it

and i was good in the crowd that i was raised in

then you get thrown in to settings where everyones different

motives are different

im working on all being my own person,

self esteem, i feel i went too far left on the martyr side in that last karmic cycle - i guess i surrendered lol

but like i do feel like ive felt this disconnect for majority of my life where i have a persona i enact and then i have my own inner consciousness inside me

and ones hiding

and it is protection

its nice to have a filter i suppose

but when the filter is completely jammed up and social anxiety creeps in and you cant really feel like yourself

it creates this mental prison

and if that prison was created in childhood

how the f do you fandangle your way outta that mess

right

therapy lol

or untreated you can make life really fun

like thats what im working on lol

releasing the lies that keep me safe

but weirdly enough it doesnt take the nervous feeling away

because the fears are still there

we can of course stretch our comfort zones and do what may seem like the impossible

but the mental gaslighting of it all

it creates voices

that quiestion you and make you wonder like is this real

is that what im feeling

yes it is what youre feeling

because your feeling it

taking the programs, thoughts and beliefs of the mind

and making a story out of them

may be a good dopamine hit lol

they are not beneficial

inner wars lol

different stroylines

contradicting one another

causing a ruckus lol

all the thoughts tied with the emotion are the cause of suffering

being someone who may not be comfortable FEELING in front of people lol its kinda like social anxiety in a nutshell

especially shame dynamics where uncontrollable outcomes seem greater than the experience, im teaching myself right now to enjoy the feeling of embarrassment

lol feel turned on rather than turned off by it

you know

these cycles that can be going on under the surface of life

its felt really weird through saturn return

because i guess those were

tests

and now i hope im at a time where i can trust my mental abilities now, feels a lot clearer, but also learning and integrating

lol cuz it feels clear

but i dont know

lol second guessing

all these feelings and thoughts lol

can i maybe trust?

yikes

lol

what a weird concept lol

anywho,

the moral of the story really is

and a teacher of mine taught me this

“thoughts are farts”

lol

what our brains are thinking

is coming from an emotion in our body

a thought is a fart

lol from our body

so in my experience

we have to feel the emotion

ignore the story

come back to level ground

and then go into detective mode - whether that be communicating fears to the person, or disregarding the PTSD flashback

whatever you deem as neutral for your situation

and rememeber

thoughts are farts lol

don’t go creating a big story mentally because it feeds your dopamine and adrenaline sectors of the brain because youre bored and addicted to chaos

even though its fun, exhilarating and enticing lol

peace is nice, ive heard

apparently lol

im sure i will be a little chaos witch till i die

a tornado of wtf lol

proudly

quit gaslighting yourself

your experience was real

your experience matters

to you

and that is enough

honour your body and impulses and trust the guidance

xx

[the-sslimmest-shady]

The weird part of having paranoia delusions is that so often things just "make sense". Like, you're aware it's not true, but you feel an immense compulsion to fully believe it is. Or something "connects" in your head, but it's not logical. You know it's not. But it could still technically be 100% true against all logical odds.

More after the cut, slight nsfw warning kinda

For example, last week I had fully convinced myself that a group chat I was in wasn't real and I was making it up. I don't know why I would make it up, but it was on an app that I'd never heard of before and my friend was very vague while telling me about it, and I hadn't seen anybody in the chat in weeks (I was on winter break) so, to my fucked up little head, there was no way to prove that the chat existed. I ended up having a bit of a breakdown in the chat, begging someone to text me a photo of them holding a piece of paper saying that the chat was real (since I already knew that texts were real since I'd talked to them irl about texts and seen them text me).

I'd never had this type of breakdown infront of them before, usually being able to sort it out through seeing them in real life and slyly asking questions that would "prove" the reality of the thing in question, but now they just thought I was batshit crazy asking if an app I'd messaged in like 500 times by then was real or not. And honestly, they were right! I WAS batshit crazy.

And, at least for me, it's influenced by media too.

For example, earlier this week, I was listening to an episode of the magnus archives during lunch at school while just casually roaming around to try to find my friends. But, it happened to be an episode based off The Lonely (if you don't listen to the magnus archives, The Lonley is basically one of the god-type things in the tma universe, it affects feelings of loneliness and shame, and these god-like entities can affect reality in the tma universe causing events to happen irl that are similar to their type). And because it was a Lonely episode, and I was walking a route that I usually don't go, and I couldn't find anybody I knew, and I hadn't actually talked to anyone at school all day, I had yet another delusion. For just a moment, which lasted all of about 8 minutes since I found my friend shortly after, I was Fully Convinced that I wasn't actually at school and that I was still at home, probably getting yelled at for standing around being hours and hours late. "How could I sleep in so long?!" I thought, "I'm fucked I'm so so fucked, how am I still asleep i need to leave!! I need to get to school or I'll be even more late!!". Just absolutely freaking out in my head, showing nothing on the outside cuz I didn't want anyone to "think there's a ghost here by moving the air air around", which, even if somehow it was true that i was astral projecting into the school or some shit, thinking that i couldn't/shouldn't move around weirdly was inherently illogical. Because like I said, I was already walking around *quite fast*, basically running at this point since im naturally a fast walker and was freaking out, and therefore I was moving a lot of air around.

And okay this is gonna be a gross one so I'm sorry but it really shows just how much of my life this paranoia shit affects, but like, I can't even "get off" without being paranoid. I constantly, 24/7, believe there's a camera watching me if I'm doing anything wrong/embarrassing. And I *know* it's illogical, I don't know why anyone would wanna watch me do weird shit nor how they'd get the cameras around, but still, whenever someone says "hey Mike, cm'ere I wanna talk about something" my first thought is that they're gonna pull up camera footage of me smoking weed or something else I'd get in trouble for, or smthn that'd just be plain embarrassing! I litterally like, *can't* get off without hiding myself somehow cuz I ain't into voyeurism or whatever. Depending how how bad my mentalscape is that day, just keeping my pants on can keep me from feeling watched and exposed, but sometimes I gotta wear 2 blankets and put heavy boxes infront of my already locked doors and keep all my clothes on and wear headphones at 1% volume. (and for the record, I always wash anything I was wearing after that. I may have poor hygiene but even on my very worst days I can AT LEAST change my boxers). And I ain't just tryna infodump aby my dick here or smthn, saying this is only to point out how this kinda paranoia can affect so many odd corners of your life. I debated mentioning it at all, but it feels important.

I don't really know where this is going at this point, kinda just me venting about my paranoia and delusions I guess. I guess im hoping that this sparks some kinda thread talking about these types of mental illnesses, I don't see a lot of posts about these. It makes me feel inhuman sometimes, not even as a delusion (though that is a frequently recurring one), but in the way of not even being able to talk about it to find other people like me. Humans are a social species, and not being able to talk about this without being outcast paired with the delusions that other people aren't real, makes me feel *really* inhuman.

I want to help yall because I know firsthand how shitty it feels. If anybody has coping mechanisms for this that they favor, even if they seem obvious, please tell me. Someone who reads this might also be struggling with paranoid delusions with NO coping mechanisms. Anything helps. Share your stories, and ways people have helped you. Even if the "people" was just yourself.

I know this post prolly won't get a lot of notes, it's just the ramblings of a sleep deprived madman after all, but I really hope it does.