#Its all so useless and pointless why do i even bother

[consult-sherlockholmes]

Who needs sleep anyway, so overrated.

[alchemiclee]

I have so many photos I need to post. 15 years worth!!! I started posting them on my old tumblr's side blog but never finished and then I abandoned tumblr for years. but tbh I feel like posting my work doesn't benefit me and it's just more pointless work for me 😭 especially instagram and twitter where my posts get maybe 1 like from a follower if i'm lucky and that's it. why do I even bother 😭 no one is excited to see my work so it'd hard to motivate myself to actually share anything when it doesn't benefit me and when no one else is excited for or looking forward to it. sometimes I lose that "I made a thing I want to share it like a kid hanging their finger painting on the fridge" mentality 😅 even kids can get discouraged and give up sharing if you don't ooo and ahhh over their work. does that make sense?

[konigsblog]

hiiiii i LOVE your writing sm and i also LOVE angst so i was excited to see your post about an angst prompt so heres one ive been thinking of

i feel like ghost would be someone who would quickly put up walls when he felt he was getting too close to someone, so when he and reader get to the stage where they both clearly like each other but its not official, ghost would start acting cold, saying he was too busy for a date when he would just sit on his phone, looking at photos of reader, and then he would act like you were the idiot, like he never saw you the way you did, as if there was nothing between the two of yours, all because he's too scared to lose someone he loves.

kinda long sorry (ಡ᎔ಡ)

thank you so much for your kind words, i really appreciate it and it doesn't go unnoticed, thank you a lot for your support, you're so sweet <3;

he's lost too many. soldiers, friends, siblings, parents. he couldn't bare the idea of letting you into his life, visiting your grave in the future, a bouquet of your favourite flowers placed on the dirt. he saw your kindness, appreciation, your effort to make him your friend, and despite being pushed away multiple times, you never gave up.

it almost made him frustrated. just drop it, corporal. he'd curse, swallowing his words before turning his heel away from you. simon wanted you, he needed you, desperately - but the flooding thoughts that kept him awake at night was enough to turn a blind eye to your attempts. why did you want him so badly?

although you wanted eachother, it was useless and pointless. seeing you on field would disrupt his skills, becoming worried when you got hit, risking his life just to be able to save yours. he would do that anyway, romantic or professional, but he used that as an excuse, another reason to push you away.

but when you actually stopped bothering him, he felt ill. sick to his stomach now at the lost presence following him 24/7. ghost, could we meet up for coffee together? are you alright, simon? you don't seem to like me that much, am i doing something to upset you? i'm sorry, ghost, i wasn't trying to anger you..

he'd recently blown up at you. his nightmares kept him awake at night truly, but he blamed you for your constant, tiring and repetitive attempts to draw him in. “fuckin' drop it, corporal. would you stop bothering me? it's repetitive and clear that i clearly don't need, nor want you.”

to say his words didn't burn was a lie. he could see the tears forming in your eyes, glassy and glistening, nodding your head before leaving him, alone.

i'm sorry, fuck. why did i do that? i fuckin' lied, i need you, why would i say something like that.. the cold heart inside him shattered as he realised what he'd done; even if he had deal with the heartbreak of another death, he'd also have to live being alone if he never let anyone in, including you, the one he truly and genuinely desired.

”i needed you, sweetheart, i shouldn't of said the things i did, god-.. i'm so sorry.” his voice was a whisper, holding your limp, motionless body in his arms, unable to save you as blood gushed from your wound. a lifeless corpse he held, sighing as he visited another grave of a person he'd pushed away, despite his true need for her.

[my-precious-hellscape]

fuck yeah your tags got posted because you said a shit take. own up and learn. bi lesbians are valid. its just another label in the vast sea of labels. people are trying to kill us and are killing us. why bother with such useless and pointless policing?

you aint a terf or whatever people are calling you, but you start siding with the exclusionists when you spit that shit. why separate the community even further? did you ever actually ask a bi lesbian (or any mspec lesbian or gay for that matter) why they chose to identify that way, or did you just see someone else shilling the fact theyre problematic and that warped your perception and you decided to follow their line of thinking?

Since this is one of the dozen or so messages I've gotten (and thank fuck it's not more, people really just wait for an opportunity to harass a transwoman, huh?) I'll respond to it. Thank you for saying I'm not a terf, it really means a lot. I did own up to the tags I left, I even posted them myself! To be fair, no, I never ask a bi lesbian why they identify the way they do but then again, neither did you, right? Or any of the messages I've received. No one bothered to ask me why I stand where I do. What I did see though is lesbians that are pissed off they're just not allowed to have a space of their own. Lesbianism excludes men, you cannot be attracted to men and be a lesbian. There are, as I said in my tags, a fair number of terms that could be used instead that don't carry the same weight. I honestly fucking hate that all queer discourse boils down to throwing insults at each other, like I wasn't even that secure in my position on this side of the argument! Now though I feel pretty fucking entrenched.

Once again thank you for the kind words and I do hope this gives a somewhat accurate depiction of my side.

[meefy]

I had this on Discord but as it is always Love Lata hour on my blog, I felt it deserved a place here too.

Lately during my AnS reread I've realized how Lata is so much softer than he comes across sometimes and it starts pretty much as soon as he is introduced at the castle's night banquet.

When Shirayuki starts to ask why he left Lyrias, Lata tells her rather bluntly that the only thing he'll ever care about there is his research alone. He's been there 15 years and has no friends, colleagues, or ties of any kind (and he tells Kirito some forty chapters later that he has friends only in his hometown). He has no reason to stay in Lyrias except for the work he does - work that brings him fulfillment and joy in spite of nobody around him understanding why he is bothering with his kind of research at all.

Suzu tells Shirayuki in Chapter 65 that none of Lata’s fellow mineralogists understand the purpose or goal of his research, and I suspect that in part is why he is so isolated (besides the fact that some of the other scholars hate nobility). The other minerologists see Lata as a haughty rich noble with enough time and money to expend in a useless jewelry-making hobby, or just pointless research for the sake of knowing. One can imagine that, having come to Lyrias excited to show off his work, Lata was pretty sorely disappointed and put off by everyone around him early on even without being scorned for being nobility. I believe that is probably part of why he runs from Shirayuki and Obi in he beginning; he has no reason to believe that, after 15 years, anyone will take him or his research seriously (and this is something he also echoes when he admits he wasn't expecting her to label him an expert).

And I suspect there are two underlying reasons why Lata agrees in the end to help Shirayuki’s team (other than to reward her persistence, which is the explanation he gives her). One, because they are likely the first group of scholars to see value in his work and how it can be used in an applied setting - the fact it is in a completely different domain doesn't matter, really, and given how the few times he smiles in this arc are when he sees the fruits of his labour it is safe to assume that, mineralogy or pharmacology, it brings Lata a great deal of satisfaction to see his research going to greater use.

The second reason is a more sentimental one, and that is that, plainly put, Lata likes what he does. He wouldn't have stayed isolated for 15 years in a city where nobody liked him if he didn't, and even Obi later remarks that Lata becomes very solemn whenever crystals are brought up. He strikes me as someone who is happy to do "meaningless" research simply to learn how stuff works. And Shirayuki, at the castle's night banquet, echoes this feeling when Lata asks her why she wants the phostyrias project to succeed: because they're pretty! She gives many other reasons - her values, her career - but it's this reason that strikes Lata the most.

Look at how he regards her right after she makes her declaration, like he's thinking that finally, someone gets it. She wants to keep going with her research not just for its deeper hidden meaning, but because they're really pretty flowers.

And Lata just wants to have fun with his pretty glitter crystal stones.

It doesn't have to be more complicated than that!

[chebyreksan]

It’s been a while…but-

Feel like you fic (part 3)

———

Pomni was lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling. A feeling of anxiety enveloped her and pressed her chest, preventing her from breathing normally. She tried to find out what the reason was, but there was no answer to it.. It's exhausting.

It's scary.

This..must be stopped

She glanced at the bedside table and picked up the box, examining it by the light of the lamp. Until now, it was not clear why, of all the possible things, she was given this one. No, that didn't mean she didn't like the prize. More like simple curiosity, nothing more.

She sat down

,,Maybe I shouldn't have left him there?..What if this is a bad idea?..’’

Anxiety turned into guilt.

,,..I didn't even say thanks for the prize..I didn't do anything to deserve this..I left him there..What if I stay with him and try to talk to him? What if it will be easier for him?..’’

With these thoughts, the girl went to that room, clutching the box to her chest and looking only ahead. She didn't care that she might be seen and asked where she was going. Does it really matter? She was more worried about whether he would hear her, and the rest was just small things.

Pomni closed the door behind her and looked in Caine's direction. He was sitting under the ’’moonlight" like a statue, and the corners of the room were dark, ominous. It seemed as if something would stretch out its clawed paw and try to take it into the darkness, from where it could not get out.

Jester sat down next to Caine. His eyes were burning with a blue screen of death, his hands were at his sides and his face was expressionless. She began to doubt whether it would be strange to talk to him in such a state, but she quickly dismissed it

- Caine? Do you hear me?..

Silence.

Girl leaned, like Caine , on a rectangular green figure. not the softest place to rest

- ..I know it might be pointless or weird..But I hope you'll hear something..

She looked at the box in her hands and put it on the ground

- ..well, I want to say thank you for giving me this.

an awkward smile appeared on her face

- I don't really know why, but she calms me down, can you imagine? I often listen to it now when I'm tired or worried..Maybe it will be nice for you to listen too

Pomni could have sworn she heard the sound of crickets when silence fell.Exhaling, she decided to change the subject

- You know, we've been thinking.. We think you should get back in shape. There's nothing wrong with what you've changed, but..if it causes so many glitches and problems..then there's no need to suffer. Moreover, we are already used to it and do not consider the real form to be something unpleasant, do you understand?

Quietly. Pomni put her hand on his shoulder, shook him a little

- ..we're worried about you..

She looked at the empty walls and at the ceiling, ’the moonlight" of which fell on them

- you don't have to look like a person to be one, you know? It's enough that you think, you say, you... um

She fell silent, realizing what to say, "you're already a human being, even if ai’ doesn't sound very good

- ..Caine, please don't do such stupid things just to please or be human..even sometimes people themselves may not look like they are, you know?..

Pomni didn't want to talk about all her thoughts, but something told her that it would be nice to tell at least some of them

- We're... different from each other and that's the whole point..It's corny, but we're unique in our own way and you're no exception. And...

no. It was hard for her to talk about it when she didn't remember anything about her life before the circus. It was useless

- ..I'm such an idiot..

Jester tucked her legs under her and rested her head on her knees, looking in Caine's direction. Nothing has changed. Pomni sighed and opened the lid of the box. The music filled the room, bouncing off the walls and seeming to fly up to the ceiling, towards the sky.’ It didn't bother her that the music might wake up the guys. What will she get for it? She just wanted peace of mind. She wanted to go home.…What’s house?

What would she call home? A house where there is a green meadow with a quiet stream and a real sun? A house where fresh pastries smelled delicious and it was pleasant? Where no one yelled at her for the work she had done and threatened her with redundancy? Where was someone very important and the only one of her family waiting for her? Where-

Clap

Pomni raised her head and looked at the box, which she closed without realizing it. A feeling of longing and sadness filled her. A feeling of loneliness, fear and misunderstanding. I just couldn't stand it and burst into tears, not holding back anymore. She held on. She truly held, but this place put pressure on her mentally and physically. It feels like a gun is held to your temple and they're asking for something you don't know. How could she even know that it was possible to enter this world? How was she supposed to know that putting on a headset was a good idea? She didn't know and probably never will.

- I-I can't do this anymore.. I... can't m-I can't-she sobbed, covering her face with her hands.

It was quiet until the box started playing. This caused her to raise her head and jerk violently in surprise as she was wrapped in an embrace. Her face was buried in shoulder, causing her eyes to widen in surprise

- It's okay, darling. It's all alright. This should help you calm down, right?

,,Caine?’’

Pomni did not understand how to react to this, but then hugged him tightly in response, sobbing more softly. It's been a long time since she hugged someone to calm down. She missed it so much. To have someone hug you and make you feel safe. To feel that you are not in this damned circus, but somewhere in a more protected place.

- you..a-Are you okay?

- Yes, dear, I'm fine and I hope you feel better too.You need to get some rest now, okay?

- ..but-

- no buts. In your condition, it will be very difficult to talk. We'll talk about it later, okay?

Pomni nodded. The entertainer snapped his fingers and the girl felt herself ,,tired.’’ She didn't have the strength to do anything, or say anything, so she quietly fell ,,asleep’.’

When they were in Pomni's room, Caine put her on the bed and sat down next to her. He thought of leaving immediately, but something made him stay here at least for a while. My hands tightened a little. It's a strange desire to hug again, to stroke her head, or maybe even-

Mistake.

Action cancelled

Non-compliance with the system

Rejected

Caine twitched when he realized he was leaning close enough to pomni's face. He quickly pulled away, hoping that the girl hadn't noticed anything.

- *Sigh * was close..-ringmaster said softly, getting out of bed

He hurried out of the room, nervously straightening his bow tie and remembering something. Before it dissipated..their little conversation.

~~~~~~

- Queenie, can I ask you a question?-cheerfully flew up to the lady Caine

- Hm? Yes, what is it, Caine?

The lady turned her head in his direction, sitting on the yellow figure, folding her arms and keeping her back straight. Despite her outward seriousness and coldness, she was not as expected. She was the one who was the first to get in touch with the newcomers and always supported them. She spoke warm and soothing words, stroked their heads and hugged them, helping them to get to their feet. Thanks to this, the entertainer began to understand how people calm each other down, but one thing he did not understand from the word at all. That's what made him approach, as he called her, ’help number one."

- I wanted to ask you about one thing. Look, I can understand hugs and other calf tenderness and some words like, "love’ and other things..

- But?

- But I don't understand these things between you and the Kinger . What do they even mean?

Queenie thought about it and then laughed a little, shaking her head

- Oh, you mean the kiss, right?

- The what?- Caine asked with curious, tilted his head to the side

- a kiss. This is how we show our love to each other

- Oooh, and what is the point of this?

She looked at where Kinger was and smiled

- We only give a kiss to the person who is very close to us and very much in love, you know?

- Mmm, yes, except for the close part. That is?

- So you see and feel more for him or her than for other ordinary people. You're putting him or her up a notch, roughly speaking

- Wow! Do you divide each other into loved ones and ordinary ones? You people are a very strange

- Thank you -Queenie chuckled

The ringmaster thought about it, clutching his cane a little

- and how did you realize that you are something more for each other?

- Oh, I can hardly remember how we met..but it feels good. When you love, you treat your loved one more especially than others. I want to spend a lot of time with my beloved, learn more and feel more, you know?

- Hmm, I doubt that I will understand this

- Don't worry, it usually becomes clear over time. And who knows, maybe even you can find someone?- queen giggled slightly, covering her mouth with her hand

- Oh, it's funny, dear Queenie, but I doubt it very much

- You doubt it, but I believe. Even if you're not like us, it doesn't limit you to find someone special, right?

- ..thank you, dear Queenie

- Glad to help you

The Queen looked at Kinger as he built a fortress out of pillows. Her words made the ringmaster think.It sounded very tempting to him and he was curious how he would get to know this ,,special person’’

~~~

Caine sighed softly, looking back at Queenie's door, crossed out with a red cross

- maybe you were right, Queenie. Maybe I did find her..

[crescentmoon-flower]

Rewatching winx season 4 for nostalgia and realizing how wierd some things are

Ep. 7

Musa posing like the drama queen she is

How did Stella drag roxy upwards like that

"I'm a great shot" im sure you are

Stella darling you managed to contradict yourself

Musa your great, and I wish you kept these spells

Nevermind then musa is useless

Stella contradicting herself again

Oh poor doggy, also I would react the same to someone hurting my baby

Oh wow roxy is strong

Awww, tiny kitten

Flora and anagan flirting, its actually kinda cute

What the hell even is gantlos's power

Aw, sweet old rich woman

And gantlos found them

Yeah that car crash is about right

Also for a second I thought the woman was going to help roxy

Sassy gantlos

Oh wow that was a close one

Wow artu is smart, I wonder is that's a side effect of being around roxy

Spirit speech

Oh poor artu

Oh that's a close one part 2

First magic!

What exactly did roxy do though?

Sudden upbeat Music

Well that's a tone shift

Weren't they all just on the floor in the last frame?

Specialist deus ex machina

Nabu speaks really wierd sometimes

Oh my god Rivington chopped duman's hair XD

Did they just corner ogron and leave the others?

Awww, supportive timmy

Wow aisha is in a great mood.

I... don't thing implicitly is the word your looking for

Naaaawwwww

Liesssssss, you'll end up with more

HAHA, flora and aisha's reactions are great

Wait...... Didn't timmy already have a job?? Did he quit to be around roxy more? Or is he doing both?

How did he go from helia to Tobias? The others are similar but helia?

BOO-BOO XD

Oh okay nevermind

Oh my god, the one who doesn't work there is the only one he got right

As a only child and a girl, I feel you roxy

Ooooooohhhhh, musa

Bloom my god

Hey its that girl who everyone thought is the last fairy

Swimsuits?ok

Animation mistake roxy's sleeves

Spend the whole day talking to the neighbours canary?

Ok at least faragonda is kept in the loop

The fairy pets are adorable but useless

A yes, mcguffin wings bearly used

Guide book? What guide book?

What's with the sudden change of heart about keeping things secret

Why doesn't morgana just tell roxy who she is?

Ep 8

Pointless fluff

Oh kiko

More pointless fairy pet things

Didn't tecna explain the website several times now.

Finally common sense for stupid romance problems

Convenient timing

Did roxy sleep the entire day?

Ok the whole pictures arrange themselves in the same way

Cowboy outfits, actually one of my faves

Kind of worry roxy had a bother reaction to magic wardrobe change

Oh the Stella silent treatment

Ok from experience no large camper or bus like that has 4wheel drive

Suddenly I remember that the driver in world of winx was also aisha

I'd love to go there on horseback

Dramatic duman

Sadly irrelevant to the conversation flora

Don't like this man

Oh no this is going to be a disaster

Snort* flying bear

Seriously what are gantlos's powers?

Wait they can miniaturise what not in enchantix?

Smoke them out, smart

Gantlos is my reaction to

Did the circle burn him or just hurt?

Well that's awsome

Oh my god that man is dedicated to not noticing shit

That smile is creepy

Isn't this man a lumberjack? How is he going to survive now?

Why does bloom get to keep the circle?

And their back

Pets aren't typically allowed at bars

Pointless pet fluff

Nabu forshadowing

Aww tecna is emoting so much, I'm proud!

Damn this all, more mitzie

...well she had a good singing voice

He has work, stella

He's going to break that guitar

More nabu foreshadowing

Creepy surfer man

For a really important episode it feels like 70 percent is pointless

[fitzrove]

Akflflg hot take. The most annoying kind of reaction to media is when people assume that depicting prejudice (lampshading it!) is the same thing as being prejudiced. No, D*nna T*rtt writing about elitism and racism doesn't mean she's advocating for it - in TSH she is picking apart a privileged academic culture for all to see and pointing out that people who contribute to that kinda suck actually. No, Em*rald F*nnell portraying rape culture and violence against women (and men [almost] going "unpunished") on screen doesn't mean she advocates for those things, it just means she's making a comment on the kind of society we live in. No, Michael Kunze portraying explicit antisemitism on stage doesn't mean he's an antisemite - if people looked at the framing of Hass for even one second they would Get The Point (= hey guys did you know that the late 19th century wasn't a fairytale time to live in because it actively led up to the 20th, and did you know that this kind of rhetoric is still common today and yet many people are "blind and mute" to it and don't care enough to work to stop it). I do understand criticisms of the number (ie. it being triggering) and I don't mean to speak over people who are discomforted by it (or feel that it's tokenizing oppression etc - valid points to be made, and as the number is not about prejudice against my background, I will defer to ppl more affected than me), but I truly think that for people not personally affected by the prejudice portrayed in it, there's a responsibility to see it and reflect. You don't get to clean it up to make the show more family-friendly or comforting. It's not intended to be a feel-good escapist experience even though the marketing masquerades it as one.

Also separate rant that I go on every month or so. Like omfg I just really dislike Conspiracy. It makes Rudolf a useless hack 😂💀 Like I'm sure Hungarians irl enjoy their independence but it's not the point of the show akflpdkgpel. If Die Schatten werden länger (reprise) is not explicitly about the anxiety brought on by the seemingly unstoppable rise of fascism that nobody else seems to care to stop it, I don't want it and it's pointless. And that's what it was about originally...

Portraying evil/oppression/prejudice - especially evil things that people tend to shrug off and minimize in their daily lives because it feels too insidious and widespread for them to bother to fight it - is a pretty central thing in art that has a message, and it's honestly such a dumb take to go "omg why would they write about that, that's so [type of prejudice]" in cases where the CENTRAL THESIS OF THE WORK is "x is bad, it's real and exists in the world we live in, and the general public isn't doing enough to stop it". That kind of reaction shows that you just legit can't read and would rather have random "Good Representation" (which can also be important! But while representation has its place, it's not enough to just have random unaddressed diversity if you want to change people's mindsets) than a work that actually criticises the status quo, points out unaddressed privileges and prejudices, and makes a meaningful point.

[gaykarstaagforever]

I just got done with the Mothership Zeta DLC for Fallout 3.

I played it before, and I don't remember hating it.

That has changed.

Jesus Christ. It's basically just a new multilayered metro tunnel / sewer level, except now all the ghouls have laser guns, and some have nigh-impenetrable shields. And all the objects are random weird Space things that don't do anything useful, and you can't even pick half of them, but they are still loose objects that can vibrate around the spaces and damage you.

What quests there are are all dumbass button "puzzles" that require the skill of pushing them randomly and seeing if anything happens. And it's usually something useless, like randomly making a doorframe explode...? There are turrets everywhere, but no consoles, so you have to just get blasted by them until you blow them up by rock-stupid attrition.

Which is most of this. I am playing on Easy because I demand head explosions with one high-powered shot, and this game is broken, so you only get that kind of realism on Easy. And it's STILL a merciless slog of spamming stims / alien gel as your unrepairable Earth armor gets ground down to nothing. It is infuriating and stupid and takes 8 times longer than it needs to.

They give you a million gallons of alien epoxy that I never figured out what the hell to do with. Why can't you repair your gear with it? Was that the original plan? Did I miss the way to do that? Is this a glitch? I have no idea.

They also give you a ton of alien crystals that don't do shit. Why? You can sell them back on Earth so I guess they're just a cash reward. But you can also take a thousand alien energy guns back and sell those, and they're collectively worth more than all the money in the Capital Wasteland. So why bother?

They give you a ton of ammo for the alien guns and those are pretty sweet, so that's something. Though they're not substantially better than boring Earth plasma weapons. And the drone cannon heavy they give you shoots a bouncy orb that doesn't hit its target 55% of the time, so thanks for nothing, guys.

They give you three special companions who are supposed to help you fight the alien hordes. But one is a samurai who you can't communicate with, and he only helps at the very end, and barely, because he takes forever to kill aliens with guns with a katana. There is a cowboy who will die on whatever level you try and use him, and a US Army medic who survived for me until the final sequence, during which he died, meaning I had to stop and do another button puzzle to make up for him. So I think that was scripted? He has good armor but it's pointless if you only get it right at the end, when another spaceship is shooting at your ship with lasers.

You blow that ship up with your own laser in a confusing sequence where you have to keep slightly reaiming it before you can fire, and I never once understood why it needed to be reaimed or what the graphic on the buttons meant. Also the opposing ship doesn't explode, it just...disappears. They didn't even do an animation to reward you for killing it. Come on.

The captain of the alien ship takes a brutal forever to get to, but he doesn't have shields and is just a normal alien guy who I killed immediately. That was an odd choice.

There are alien "workers" running around everywhere who you're not supposed to shoot, but they look identical to the bad ones aside from clothing color, and they get in the middle of battles all the time, so you will inevitably wing them. At which point you permanently aggro on all of them, and your companions will murder them on sight, even as they flee and cower. You get no announced karmic punishment for this, so I don't know if the game even cares or if there was even a point to this.

You can fire a massive death ray at Earth, but it doesn't look like that leaves any trace on the Wasteland. So who cares?

And there is a spacewalk sequence that is supposedly outside, but looks like it's inside, and all you do is push four buttons, and only fail if you stumble down a slight embankment, at which point you "float away" and die. I fail to see the point.

This was clearly not even half-finished. They put tons of time into building giant maze-like alien rooms of weird things you can't interact with, then just dumped a bunch of enemies inside and contrived goofy reasons to force you through it. It really is bafflingly terrible.

There are also tons of "stasis pod" sleeper cells all over the place...that you can't sleep in. They built these things and animated them and put them everywhere, and you can't do anything whatsoever with them.

I remember Point Lookout being better. But I also don't remember this being so bad. We'll see.

[green-pine]

Feeling nothing is weird, every time someone tells me about a problem, whether its theirs or a moral/ethical one, i have no reaction to it, no feelings towards them, nothing.

I dont even care anymore about eating or dressing good like i used to, everytime i look in the mirror i see a distrorted image of myself, i just see a clothed, anonimous body. I dont understand why, it only happens when i put on clothes for the outside world, its like they have no meaning for me anymore.

I actually feel this way towards everything so i dont know why it surprises me tbh, the feeling of pointlessness is extending itself, it is starting to cover every aspect of my life.

How long is this going to last? I usually forget these parentesis of my life after a while, thats why i write them down here, to remember them.

When i reread them, im not able to feel the way i felt at the time, so its just for the record i guess.

Did i gave up on life? I dont understand if i did, i dont know, all i know is that i dont care about it, both mine and the world's, i dont care about having a purpose, i dont care about looking good for the world, i dont care about interacting with It.

I just want to be alone Forever, to be forgotten, ignored, unconsidered. I want to sleep for as long as i can, i dont even care about being aware that somenthing is wrong with me, im totally disconnected with the world, with myself, i cant feel, i cant think, i cant do anything, im slowly rotting from the inside, there is only rotten things left in me, a hole created by an acid i made and keep pouring inside me until there is nothing left.

I am nothing, i am just a pathetic being, emotionless, careless, i dont even feel human anymore, there is nothing humaine left in me, everything its Just a big fog of nothing.

I'll soon be turning 20, im getting old, im getting useless, why cant i just end it, why do i even bother living anymore if nothing satisfies me nor gives me meaning anymore?

[pesterloglog]

Caliborn, Jake English

Act 6, page 5669-5682

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering golgothasTerror [GT]

uu: DON'T DO IT.

GT: Do what now?

uu: WASTE YOUR TIME WITH THAT BITCH.

uu: YOU SHOULD THANK ME FOR DISTRACTING YOU. FROM INITIATING A POINTLESS CONVERSATION.

uu: WITH AN UGLY HOT WOMAN.

GT: Hey take that back roxys my good friend!

GT: Well ok take back all the parts that werent a compliment.

GT: Or wait. Is calling her hot a compliment or is that creepy?

GT: She is certainly pretty. But hearing it come from you sounds lecherous and dastardly!

uu: OH MY FUCK.

uu: SHUT UP.

GT: Heh. Its probably just my instincts as a brave boy kicking in.

GT: The old chivalry bone acting up you know? When i hear a ladys good name getting besmirched i just start seeing red!!!

uu: WOW.

uu: EVEN I THINK YOU SOUND LIKE A DOUCHE RIGHT NOW.

uu: BUT LOOK. JAKE HUMAN.

uu: I DIDN'T COME TO JEER YOU. UNTIL YOU DRIP THE WEIRD FACE WATER OUT OF YOUR SOCKETS.

uu: EVEN THOUGH IT SAYS I'M JEERING YOU AT THE TOP. JUST IGNORE THAT.

GT: Errr.

GT: Alright?

uu: I'M HERE ON A DIFFERENT KIND OF BUSINESS.

uu: I WAS HOPING WE COULD BE MORE "GENTLEMANLY" WITH EACH OTHER.

GT: Gentlemanly you say?

uu: YES.

uu: I EVEN LOOKED IT UP IN ONE OF YOUR EARTH DICTIONARIES TO MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE I WAS USING THE WORD RIGHT.

uu: DID YOU KNOW. THERE DOES NOT EXIST A FEMALE EQUIVALENT OF THAT WORD?

uu: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BEING "GENTLEWOMANLY". I LOOKED THAT UP TOO. IT ISN'T THERE.

GT: It isnt?

uu: WELL OK.

uu: IT IS.

uu: BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT'S A REAL WORD.

uu: IT'S TOTALLY MADE UP. AND DOESN'T BELONG THERE.

uu: YOU KNOW WHY IT'S PROBABLY IN THERE?

GT: Um...

uu: BECAUSE SOME SILLY BITCH PUT IT THERE.

uu: TRUST ME. THIS IS NOT A NOTION WHICH APPLIES TO THAT AWFUL GENDER.

uu: FEMALES ARE NOT BIOLOGICALLY EQUIPPED TO BEHAVE REASONABLY. AS PROVEN BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT. BY EMPIRICAL ASSERTION.

uu: THEY ARE VERY SHRILL AND INSANE AND DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE. THEIR EMOTIONS ARE OUT OF CONTROL AND THEIR FEELINGS NEVER SHUT UP.

uu: AND WORST OF ALL. GIRLS ARE VERY TRENCHANT TOWARD BOYS WHO WOULD KINDLY INFORM THEM OF THE WAY REALITY FUCKING WORKS.

uu: TALK ABOUT UNGRATEFUL. NO. THERE IS NOTHING WORTHWHILE TO BE GAINED. FROM CHATTING UP THE BITCHES.

uu: AS SUCH. IT IS MY SOLEMN BOYPLEDGE. THAT I WILL NEVER BOTHER SPEAKING WITH YOUR FOUL HUMAN STRUMPETS AGAIN.

GT: Your...

GT: Boypledge?

uu: THROUGH CAREFUL OBSERVATION OF YOUR PARTY. I HAVE DETERMINED THEY ARE BOTH USELESS. AND HOLDING YOU ALL BACK.

uu: ON THE OTHER HAND. BOTH OF YOUR MALE PLAYERS ARE PRETTY GOOD. THE OTHER GUY, AND HIS RED FLOATING MALE GHOST? THEY'RE SO STRONG. IT'S SO GREAT.

uu: I REALLY RESPECT THAT.

GT: Yeah. Dirk is a pretty tough cookie alright...

uu: YOU'RE NOT AS STRONG. BUT WHATEVER. YOU'RE ALRIGHT ANYWAY.

uu: LET'S FACE IT. COMPARED TO THE FECKLESS HOES. YOU'RE IN A CLASS OF YOUR OWN.

GT: But i thought you hated me!

GT: At least thats how i remember it when we last talked.

GT: Which was admittedly a while ago.

GT: Ive never been accused of having a photographic memory but i dont recall you typing in green either.

GT: Are you ripping me off bro??

uu: NO YOU FUCKING MORON.

uu: IF I STOOPED TO YOUR LEVEL. AND DECIDED TO JACK *ANY* PORTION OF YOUR SWAGGER.

uu: DON'T YOU THINK. YOU'D NEED TO EARN MY RESPECT FIRST???

GT: I dont think I understand.

uu: YES. EXACTLY.

uu: UNDERSTANDING IS WHAT I NOTICE YOU DON'T DO. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE.

uu: THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT JAKE.

uu: IT IS WHY I HAVE TAKEN AN INTEREST IN YOU.

GT: Whys that?

uu: BECAUSE YOU'RE DUMB AS A BAG OF TEETH.

uu: I'VE CHECKED YOU OUT. FROM MANY DIFFERENT MONITORS.

uu: YOU ARE JUST. SPECTACULARLY UNINTELLIGENT.

GT: Hey!

uu: SETTLE DOWN. I WAS TRYING TO PAY YOU A COMPLIMENT.

GT: Oh. Whoops.

GT: Go on then.

uu: WHILE TO CASUAL OBSERVERS YOU MIGHT APPEAR. TOO STUPID TO KNOW HOW FAR PANTS ARE SUPPOSED TO GO DOWN YOUR LEGS.

uu: I KNOW THAT IT'S QUITE POSSIBLE. YOU ARE JUST MISUNDERSTOOD.

uu: IT IS POSSIBLE THAT YOU JUST HAVE A SPECIAL MIND.

uu: LIKE ME.

GT: You think so?

GT: Not to sound too self obsessed or anything but ive given that some thought.

GT: That maybe there is something special about me that nobody can understand. And maybe thats why i always seem to be botching things up the wazoo with my pals.

GT: Maybe thats why i feel like such a loner. I dunno. Im rambling and ive been thinking about it a lot lately. What about you?

GT: Does being special make you screw the pooch with your friends like it does for me?

uu: UGH. NO. I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.

uu: FOR MY PEOPLE. THE WORD FOR FRIENDS. IS FLAWS.

GT: Wow really?

uu: PROBABLY NOT? BUT. IT SHOULD BE.

uu: BECAUSE IT'S TRUE. AS A MATTER OF MY PERFECT PHILOSOPHY ABOUT EVERYTHING.

uu: BUT THE FACT THAT YOU CLEARLY HATE YOUR FRIENDS. AND ARE READY TO SHED THEM LIKE THE DRY SKIN OF A SERPENT.

uu: INDICATES THAT WE SHARE A VERY SPECIAL QUALITY AMONG BROTHERLY BROS. WHO MUST WORK HARDER WITH OUR BRAINS THAN EVERYONE ELSE.

uu: SO WE MAY ACHIEVE BRUTAL SUPREMACY OVER THEM ALL.

GT: Haha. Well i wouldnt go that far. I love my friends!

GT: But i was once told i had a lot of potential.

GT: Supposedly thats how all pages are and it takes them for frickin EVER to reach it.

GT: And funnily enough it was a figment of my own subconscious that told me this. A part of my untapped potential itself! But disguised as my best bro which was...

GT: Peculiar to say the least.

GT: Is that your situation? Are you a page too?

uu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

uu: HELL NO. BUT THANKS FOR THE LAUGH.

uu: MY CLASS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOURS. IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY. EVEN THOUGH I JUST LAUGHED.

uu: MINE IS THE BEST OF ALL. WHILE YOURS IS FUCKING TRASH.

GT: Oh? Whats yours then?

uu: LORD.

GT: Fine then jeez.

GT: Sorry for asking!

uu: WHAT?

uu: NO.

uu: THAT WAS NOT A SHORT REMARK OF FRUSTRATION.

uu: IT WAS THE ANSWER DUMBASS.

GT: Oh.

uu: IT'S THE MASTER CLASS.

uu: DON'T YOU LOSERS DO ANY HOMEWORK ON THIS GAME.

uu: YOU'D THINK YOU WOULD ALL BE EXPERTS. WITH HOW MUCH MY SISTER HARANGUED YOU ON THIS TEDIOUS SHIT.

uu: SINCE I HAVE HAD GREAT SUCCESS SO FAR. IN PROGRESSING THROUGH THIS DEAD SESSION. I DECIDED. IT WAS TIME TO BITE THAT BULLET.

uu: AND RETURN HOME. TO RETRIEVE ALL OF HER TERRIBLE TEXTS ON THE SUBJECT OF THIS GAME. AND OF YOUR STORY.

uu: I HAVE PORED OVER EVERY NAUSEATING VERSE. IT HAS BEEN A TRUE EXERCISE IN AGONY. FEW COULD POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND MY SUFFERING.

uu: BUT THAT'S OK.

uu: BECAUSE I'M NOT THE IDIOT KID I USED TO BE. NOW I KNOW. THAT WHAT IT TAKES FOR ME TO LEARN AND GROW STRONGER.

uu: IS EXCRUCIATING EFFORT.

uu: SO I HAVE A CHOICE. WHICH IS TO EITHER BE WEAK.

uu: WHEN WEAKNESS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.

uu: OR TO SUFFER. FOREVER. UNTIL NO ONE ELSE EXISTS.

uu: WHO IS STRONGER THAN ME.

uu: AND THAT'S YOUR CHOICE TOO.

uu: PAGE HUMAN ENGLISH.

GT: Sakes alive.

GT: That is a bit extreme no?

uu: FOR YOU. PROBABLY EVEN MORE SO.

uu: BECAUSE AS A LOWLY PAGE. AND AS AN EVEN LOWLIER HUMAN. YOU ARE UTTERLY WORTHLESS.

uu: AND SO YOUR TRIALS I BELIEVE MUST INCLUDE. PROVING TO PARADOX SPACE THAT YOU EVEN DESERVE TO EXIST. IN THE FIRST PLACE.

uu: AND WHILE MY TRIALS WILL BE SIMILARLY GRUELING. A LORD'S WORTHINESS IS AT NO POINT EVER IN DOUBT.

uu: HIS NOBILITY IS MANIFEST. SUPREME MASTERY WAITS FOR HIM PATIENTLY. LIKE AN EMPTY THRONE UNDER HEAVY GUARD.

uu: REALITY ALREADY KNOWS I WILL PREVAIL. JUST AS IT KNEW I WOULD PREDOMINATE.

uu: AND SO INEVITABILITY IS ALWAYS ON MY SIDE.

uu: IT IS MY. WHAT DO YOU CALL IT.

uu: BORTHRIGHT?

uu: BORTHRIGHT.

GT: I dont think thats a word.

GT: But hey you are the lord and i am the lowly page.

uu: DAMN STRAIGHT.

uu: NEVER FORGET WHO YOU ARE MEANT TO SERVE.

GT: Now just a minute buddy. Lets not get carried away.

GT: I have no intention of serving you. In fact im not even sure why im still talking to you!

GT: Youre lucky that my manners are impeccable otherwise i would have blocked you already, what with the scandalous way you have characterized my ladyfriends alone.

GT: Its all well and good you think we have some things in common but i wont fall for it!

GT: Maybe its true at times i can be a little slow on the uptake but i will not be sweet talked into doing the bidding for a silver tongued cur!!!

GT: So to you sir lord i must say GOOD DAY.

uu: JAKE.

uu: YOU STUPID SHIT.

uu: HOW CAN YOU BE THIS DUMB.

uu: ALRIGHT. FIRST OF ALL. MY TONGUE IS NOT SILVER. THAT'S VERY CLOSE TO BEING INSULTING TO ME.

GT: Whatever! Look i know you are not the most quickwitted fella either, so i must inform you this is what we call a "figure of speech."

GT: You know. Like if i said you speak with a forked tongue. Not unlike LUCIFER HIMSELF!!!

uu: BUT. I ACTUALLY DO HAVE A FORKED TONGUE.

GT: Oh...

GT: Really?

uu: WAIT IS THAT SERIOUSLY AN INSULT IN YOUR CULTURE? HOW IS THAT INSULTING??

GT: It just means you arent trustworthy, and i should not be lulled by your false promises.

uu: WOW. OK. WOW.

uu: FIRST. NOT ONLY ARE YOU AN IMBECILE. YOU'RE A FUCKING RACIST TOO.

GT: No im not!

uu: JAKE. YOU JUST SAID SOME RACIST SHIT. END OF STORY.

uu: SECOND OF ALL. I'M NOT ASKING YOU FOR A DAMN THING.

uu: AS IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO OFFER ME AT ALL.

uu: THE VERY IDEA THAT YOU COULD IN ANY WAY IMPROVE MY EXISTENCE. IS ALMOST AS OFFENSIVE AS. YOUR FLAGRANT RACISM.

uu: THERE'S NO "DEAL WITH THE DEVIL" BULLSHIT GOING ON HERE.

uu: I'M OFFERING TO HELP YOU. STRICTLY AS A PRO BONO ARRANGEMENT.

uu: MY ASSISTANCE WILL BE. AN UNCONDITIONAL ACT OF BENEVIOLENCE.

GT: Dont you mean benevolence?

uu: NO.

GT: Um. Ok then.

GT: But why do you want to help me?

GT: Is it really just because you relate to me and therefore want me to succeed?

uu: LET'S NOT BE TOO SENTIMENTAL HERE. I MEAN. YEAH. I GUESS THERE'S OUR COMMON GROUND.

uu: BUT WHAT I'D REALLY LIKE TO DO. IS GROOM A WORTHY ADVERSARY.

uu: IF I HELP YOU REACH YOUR FULL POTENTIAL. AS A PAGE OF HOPE. YOU COULD BECOME EXTREMELY POWERFUL SOME DAY.

uu: MAYBE EVEN POWERFUL ENOUGH TO POSE A CHALLENGE TO ME. OR MAYBE EVEN ENOUGH TO BEAT ME.

uu: WHEN I SAID "MEANT TO SERVE". SERVE MEANT MORE THAN ONE THING. YOU KNOW. LIKE KICK MY ASS??

uu: WOULDN'T YOU LIKE THAT JAKE? DON'T YOU LIKE TO ROUGHHOUSE?

uu: OR MAYBE I HAD YOU WRONG. MAYBE YOU ARE IN FACT A GIRLY MAN. WHO DOES NOT LIKE TO ROUGHHOUSE.

GT: Hey watch it now. Youre DARN TOOTIN i love to roughhouse!!!

uu: EXCELLENT.

uu: THEN OUR COMMITMENT IS SEALED. I WILL HELP YOU REACH YOUR TRUE POTENTIAL.

uu: LET US MARK THIS PLEDGE. WITH A SPECIAL NEW DESKTOP WALLPAPER I HAVE DRAWN FOR YOU.

GT: Huh??

uu: IT IS HOW I ENVISION THE IDEALIZED DEPICTION. OF OUR COLLABORATIVE BROSMANSHIP.

uu: I HAVE BEEN GETTING SO MUCH BETTER LATELY. WITH A LOT OF HARD WORK AS USUAL.

uu: I AM ABLE TO BRING THE MANY SMALL ANGLES MOSTLY UNDER CONTROL. TO SIMULATE THE ILLUSION. OF PHOTO REALISTIC FORMS OF COLOR AND LIGHT.

uu: JAKE. I GIVE YOU.

uu: THE FINE ARTS:

uu: http://tinyurl.com/JAKETHISISUS

GT: Whoa.

GT: Thats uh.

GT: Mighty special.

uu: GO ON. APPLY IT TO YOUR DEVICE.

uu: I WILL WAIT.

GT: Yeah um.

GT: Maybe later?

uu: NO. DO IT NOW.

GT: I dont think i want it to be honest.

GT: No offense its actually just really shitty.

uu: APPLY THE WALLPAPER THIS FUCKING INSTANT YOU CRETINOUS PHILISTINE. OR THE DEAL'S OFF.

GT: Ok fine!

GT: Gad freaking zooks. Just what i need another pushy bro in my life.

GT: This secret training of yours better be worth it!

uu: IT'S NOT TRAINING.

uu: IT'S JUST SOME GUIDANCE FROM A FAR AWAY ALIEN.

uu: I WILL BE YOUR PATRON TROLL. THAT'S LIKE THIS WHOLE THING IN YOUR STORY. HAVING A PATRON TROLL.

GT: But i thought you werent a troll.

uu: OF COURSE I'M NOT A TROLL. TROLLS ARE A KIND OF PESTILENT VERMIN AND THEY SHOULD ALL SUFFER AND DIE.

uu: "PATRON TROLL" IS JUST A PHRASE TO HELP YOU UNDERSTAND.

GT: Its not helping me understand though.

GT: Shoudlnt you be a patron cherub if anything?

uu: NO. GOD. DON'T MAKE UP TERMS FOR WHAT I AM. I WILL DO THAT.

uu: I WILL JUST BE YOUR PATRON DUDE.

uu: OR MAYBE. YOUR PATRON MANBRO.

GT: Sounds pretty gay.

uu: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

GT: Whats what?

uu: GAY. WHAT'S GAY YOU IDIOT FUCK.

GT: Oh right.

GT: Forgive me i forget you arent familiar with all of my earth lingo.

GT: Its like...

GT: How do i explain.

GT: You know. Its a rather old fashioned term for being jolly and festive together.

GT: Like "that rollicking time we had scrumming the other eve sure was gay."

uu: I SEE.

uu: THEN YES. YOU ARE CORRECT.

uu: THIS IS GOING TO BE GAY AS HELL.

GT: Oh goody. Just the way i like my hijinks!

GT: So how do we start.

uu: THERE'S NOT MUCH TO THIS.

uu: I JUST TELL YOU SOME SHIT TO DO. AND THEN YOU DO IT.

uu: AND THE ULTIMATE DUMBNESS OF IT ALL IS. YOU PROBABLY WERE GOING TO DO A LOT OF IT ANYWAY.

GT: I was?

GT: How was i going to do the stuff if you didnt tell me to?

GT: You mean i was going to do it like on accident?

uu: NO. THE THING IS. I THINK I WAS ALWAYS GOING TO TELL YOU.

GT: I dont understand.

uu: NEITHER DO I.

GT: Ok then.

GT: Im glad we settled that.

uu: BUT I KIND OF GET IT ON SOME LEVEL.

uu: AS A LORD OF TIME. I THINK I'M GOING TO MASTER TIME. NOT WITH MY BRAIN. WHICH WOULD BE TOO HARD. BUT WITH MY INSTINCTS.

uu: LIKE IN A WAY THAT WORKS WITH MY NATURAL IMPULSES. SUCH AS MY AMBITION. MY WILL TO COMMIT MAYHEM. MY DESIRE TO PUNISH THOSE I DESPISE.

uu: SO IF I WANT YOU TO BECOME STRONG. SO YOU CAN CHALLENGE ME LATER. AND I SEE EVIDENCE. THAT YOU PROBABLY BECOME SUCCESSFUL.

uu: I THINK TO MYSELF. WHY SHOULDN'T I BE THE ONE TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN? IF IT'S GOING TO ANYWAY.

uu: I THINK PART OF MY PERSONAL QUEST. IS TO BECOME AT EASE WITH THE FORCES OF INEVITABILITY.

uu: INEVITABILITY THAT ALL THINGS SHOULD AND WILL FALL IN MY FAVOR. THAT ALL CAUSALITY ANSWERS TO ME. AND THAT ALL OUTCOMES NOT ONLY SERVE ME. BUT CONSIST OF MY BEING.

uu: SO I FEEL THAT. THE MORE I GROW IN POWER.

uu: THE MORE STUFF IT SHOULD TURN OUT I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR.

uu: UP TO AND INCLUDING. EVERYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENS.

uu: EVEN IF IT HAS TO BE.

uu: RETROACTIVELY.

GT: Hmmmmm...

GT: Nope!

GT: Dont reckon i understand much of that either.

GT: But i guess im not supposed to. Me not being a time maestro or what have you.

GT: I guess i should be boning up on hope though. What can you tell me about that?

uu: I DON'T KNOW A FUCKING THING ABOUT HOPE.

uu: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A FORCE OF "UNPARALLELED POWER". BUT REALLY. IT SOUNDS SO LAME.

uu: BUT I GUESS THAT'S WHY IT MAKES SENSE THAT IT'S YOUR ASPECT.

uu: YOU STRIKE ME AS A GUY WHO IS LAME ENOUGH. TO HOPE SOMEONE TO DEATH. SO WHY DON'T YOU TELL *ME* ABOUT IT??

GT: Tell you about hope?

GT: Um well its something i think everyone should have in their hearts.

uu: I KNEW IT. YOU JUST SAID.

uu: THE LAMEST POSSIBLE THING.

GT: But i wasnt finished!

uu: FUCK.

GT: Hope to me is all about believing in stuff.

GT: If you believe in stuff then everything feels like its going to turn out ok.

GT: And if you believe in stuff with enough gusto i dare say it imbues that stuff with a pinch more chutzpah. Even the fake stuff!

GT: And then if you keep an open mind and adventurous spirit, that chutzpah flows directly into your heart, and thats when YOU have the power.

GT: So i think if hope grants one the power to smite villainy and vanquish hooligans thats probably where it comes from!

uu: NO.

uu: OH GOD. NO.

uu: THAT IS ACTUALLY THE WORST THING I'VE EVER READ.

uu: THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT.

GT: Well THERES your problem dude. You dont want to BELIEVE!

GT: Just let go and believe in things. Then youll find you had the power in you all along.

uu: YOU ARE SO DUMB. I JUST KEEP CAN'T BELIEVING IT. HOW TRULY STUPID YOU ARE.

uu: WHATEVER. FORGET I ASKED.

uu: I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND OUT WHAT HOPE IS REALLY ABOUT. INSTEAD OF THAT INSIPID BULLSHIT.

uu: ONCE YOU BECOME A GOD TIER.

GT: How do i do that?

uu: YOU GO TO PROSPIT. GET ON YOUR QUEST SARSWAPAGUS. AND FUCKING DIE.

GT: Die???

uu: YEAH. YOU OFF YOURSELF WITHOUT HESITATION.

uu: OR FAILING THAT. DUE TO PATHETIC COWARDICE.

uu: YOU WAIT AROUND TO BE SLAIN SERENDIPITOUSLY.

uu: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I HAVE ALL THIS UNDER CONTROL.

uu: IT'S ONE OF THE WAYS I'M HELPING YOU TO THE TOP.

GT: Ok then. I will choose to believe you.

GT: See what i did there? I just scored a few more hope points!

GT: By strengthening my trust in you as well as our burgeoning friendship.

GT: Oh also, friendship is a HUGE key to being good at hope. I forgot to mention that.

uu: GROAN.

uu: I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL YOU CHALLENGE ME.

uu: SO I CAN BEAT YOU SENSELESS WITH MY CANE.

GT: Me neither!

GT: So you say you will help me be a god tier...

GT: But there are other ways you will help too?

uu: YES.

uu: I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU A GIFT.

uu: IT IS MY JUJU.

GT: Neat!

GT: But what the bejesus is a juju?

uu: I REALLY FIND IT HARD. TO COMPREHEND WHAT SORT OF ASSHOLE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A JUJU IS.

uu: BUT SINCE I AM YOUR PATRON MANBRO. I WILL PUT ASIDE THOSE FEELINGS. AND ATTEMPT TO BE A LITTLE MORE GAY.

GT: That would be hunky dory.

GT: In my view distinguished gentlemen should always strive to be as gay as possible with each other.

uu: AMEN TO FUCKING THAT.

uu: ANYWAY. A JUJU IS A MAGICAL THING. IT HAS NO REAL BEGINNING OR END.

uu: THEY'RE JUST ALWAYS AROUND. THERE FOR YOU.

uu: YOU GROW UP WITH THEM. AND THEY BRING YOU COMFORT. AND YOU NEVER QUESTION THEIR EXISTENCE.

uu: IT'S LIKE SOME OF THE SHIT YOU HAD IN YOUR ROOM AS A KID. EXCEPT NOT USELESS GARBAGE. AND MORE MAGICAL.

uu: THEY ALWAYS HAVE RULES. AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE OWNERS.

uu: YOU CAN TAKE SOMEONE'S JUJU. IF THE OWNER WAS KILLED.

uu: OR IF HE GIVES IT TO YOU FREELY. LIKE I'M DOING.

uu: SO I WILL GIVE YOU THE CODE TO MAKE IT YOURSELF.

uu: ONCE YOU DO. IT SHOULD DISAPPEAR FROM MY CHEST. AND IT WILL NO LONGER BE MINE.

GT: Sounds straight forward enough.

GT: Whats the code?

uu: IT IS:

uu: uROBuROS

uu: BE CAREFUL. THAT IS CASE SENSITIVE.

GT: Ok.

uu: I WOULD TELL YOU THE CODE FOR MY SISTER'S JUJU. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

uu: A WHILE AGO I WENT TO GET HER JUJU. BUT THE FUCKING THING WAS GONE ALREADY.

uu: I THINK THE CRAFTY BITCH ALREADY GAVE IT AWAY.

GT: Hmm.

GT: We could try to guess it maybe?

uu: FORGET IT. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE PROBABLY INFINITE.

GT: Yeah. Youre probably right.

GT: So what sort of magical properties does your juju have?

uu: I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT DOES.

uu: I HAVE NEVER TRIED IT. BECAUSE IT WAS TOO PRECIOUS TO ME.

uu: WHATEVER MINE DOES. MY SISTER'S PROBABLY DOES THE OPPOSITE THING.

uu: BUT WHAT THEY DO INDIVIDUALLY. PALES IN COMPARISON TO WHAT THEY CAN DO TOGETHER.

uu: WHEN COMBINED. THE JUJUS BECOME THE MOST MAGIC THING EVER.

uu: THEY CAN MAKE ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE. AND EVERYTHING THAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN. WILL MAGICALLY FALL INTO PLACE.

GT: Really?

GT: That sounds almost too good to be true.

GT: If you dont even know what your juju does by itself why do you think they do that together?

uu: BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT WITH ALL MY FUCKING HEART. YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT.

GT: Oh why didnt you say so! Thats all i needed to hear!!!

GT: See youre getting the hang of hope already.

uu: YEAH. I GUESS.

uu: THE BOTTOM LINE IS. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

uu: JUST TAKE MY JUJU. HAVE FAITH IN YOUR PATRON DUDE. AND LEAVE EVERYTHING TO ME.

GT: Roger that mr lord.

GT: Say. Dont you have a name? We know your sisters name... cant we know yours now too?

uu: NO.

uu: THERE ARE MANY THINGS YOU SHOULDNT KNOW ABOUT ME. FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

uu: IF YOU KNEW THEM. IF YOU EVEN KNEW MY NAME.

uu: YOU WOULD SHIT YOUR PANTS HARDER THAN ANY HUMAN EVER HAS.

uu: SO YOU MAY CONTINUE REFERRING TO ME AS YOUR LORD.

GT: Well i surely dont want to spoil any clean trousers.

GT: Even though your warning sounds a little hyperbolic i will trust you.

GT: Um. My lord.

GT: Heheheh when i call you that people could mistake our conversation for a nefarious and underhanded collusion among felons!

uu: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

GT: As you wish... MY LORD.

GT: HEHEHEHEHEH!

uu: UGH.

GT: So lord. May i ask...

GT: Why are you giving me your juju if it is so dear to you?

GT: Is your commitment to this manbro boypledge of yours really that strong?

GT: If so im really impressed. I would have a really hard time giving my favorite stuff away to a total stranger.

uu: DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF.

uu: THE GESTURE IS RELATIVELY MEANINGLESS. THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS.

uu: I HAVE FOUND A NEW JUJU. A MUCH BETTER JUJU.

uu: A JUJU THAT MAKES ALL OTHER JUJUS LOOK LIKE FRIVOLOUS CHILDISH NONSENSE IN COMPARISON.

GT: Yeah? Then that is quite a treasure you found.

GT: Where did you get it? Did you plunder a tomb or such?

uu: SORT OF.

uu: IT WAS EXCAVATED FROM THIS PLANET'S SOIL.

uu: ALONG WITH SOME OTHER ARTIFACTS.

uu: AND GIVEN TO ME.

uu: BY MY INFURIATING ASSHOLE MENTOR.

uu: A MAN WHO IS AN INVINCIBLE CLOWN.

GT: Well that sounds nice of him. He cant be that much of an asshole if he gave you such a nice present can he?

uu: NO, BELIEVE ME. HE CAN.

GT: I had a clown give me a nice present once too. I would never have met my good friend mr erisol without the kindness of that clown.

uu: YEAH. IT'S THE SAME FUCKING CLOWN SOMEHOW.

uu: I'M TELLING YOU. THIS ASSHOLE IS ETERNAL. AND THE BEINGS HE CREATES FOR YOUR PARTY ARE DISGUSTING ABOMINATIONS.

uu: BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO? NOTHING, I HAVE LEARNED. HE'S A CLOWN. THE RULES ARE. CLOWNS CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT. BECAUSE OF MIRACLES. AND HOLD NO ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THEIR DEEDS.

uu: I DON'T LIKE IT. BUT THOSE ARE THE RULES.

GT: So whats this juju he gave you?

uu: SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL.

uu: A WONDERFUL LITTLE FALSE MAN.

uu: AND THE IRONY IS. I HAVE SEEN HIM BEFORE.

uu: BUT I REGARDED HIM WITH SUSPICION AND FEAR.

uu: I WAS A FOOL THOUGH. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND THE SPECIAL BOND WITH HIM THAT I HAD.

uu: BECAUSE I DID NOT HAVE A CHANCE. TO GAZE SOULFULLY INTO HIS BEAUTIFUL EYES.

uu: AND COMMUNE WITH THE DOLL. IN A PERSONAL AND INTIMATE WAY.

GT: Gosh...

GT: That might just be the gayest thing ive ever heard.

uu: THANK YOU.

uu: YOUR HUMAN CONCEPT OF GAYNESS. ADEQUATELY DESCRIBES THE FEELINGS I HAVE. WHEN I EMBRACE MY PERFECT FLOPPY LITTLE MAN.

uu: THE THING IS. I UNDERSTAND HIM MORE NOW.

uu: BEFORE I THOUGHT HE WAS A CURSED VESSEL OF MISFORTUNE. WHICH SEEMED EERILY EMPTY TO ME.

uu: HE WAS HOLLOW. NOT YET FILLED WITH BAD JUJU.

uu: AND LOOKING IN HIS EYES NOW. I SEE. THAT I WAS RIGHT. ALMOST.

uu: HE IS EMPTY RIGHT NOW. BUT A JUJU FOLLOWS A LONG AND WINDING PATH ON ITS ETERNAL JOURNEY.

uu: AND HE WILL NOT BE EMPTY FOREVER.

uu: SOMEWHERE ALONG HIS JOURNEY.

uu: IN SOME WAY I DON'T UNDERSTAND YET.

uu: HE WILL STOP BEING EMPTY.

uu: AND HIS CURSE WILL COME TO LIFE.

uu: AND WHEREVER HE GOES. TO WHATEVER UNIVERSE OR PLANE OF REALITY.

uu: ALL WHO EXIST THERE. WILL EXPERIENCE NOTHING BUT MISERY AND DEATH.

uu: YOU SEE. THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN A CURSED JUJU.

uu: WHICH IS WHY I WAS SO NERVOUS ABOUT HIM BEFORE.

uu: BUT ALL ALONG. THERE WAS NOTHING FOR ME TO FEAR.

uu: BECAUSE NOW I KNOW. THROUGH INTENSIVE COMMUNION WITH THIS PRECIOUS MYSTICAL PUPPET.

uu: THAT THE CURSE WHICH WILL BLOSSOM IN HIS FLUFFY HEART. WILL DO SO.

uu: BECAUSE OF ME!

uu: I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT.

uu: BUT WHEN I LOOK DEEP INTO HIS EYES.

uu: I CAN FEEL HIM OUT THERE.

uu: IN LATER STAGES OF HIS LIFE.

uu: BY WHICH I MEAN.

uu: I CAN FEEL *MYSELF*.

uu: THROUGH HIM SOMEHOW.

uu: AS IF MY ESSENCE WILL ONE DAY BECOME.

uu: ENTANGLED WITH THE VOID.

uu: AND THEN MYSTERIOUSLY ACCESSIBLE.

uu: THROUGH MY SOFT HAPPY PAL.

uu: AND ALL THOSE ALONG THE WAY.

uu: WHO HE DEEMS WORTHY.

uu: OF ACCEPTING INTO HIS CUSTODY.

uu: IF THEY SHOULD DARE TO FONDLY GAZE.

uu: INTO HIS SPARKLING BABY BLUES.

uu: THEY WILL BE PEERING THROUGH THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WINDOWS.

uu: INTO MY HIDEOUS SOUL.

[merakiui]

I was reading through your tags and you mentioned at some point the kazuscara roommates finding your onlyfans and I think I completely combusted—thus i present to you my brain rot of late: you attend the same school as them but you’re not actually friends, all you know about kazuha is that he’s the friendly regular at the cafe you work at, who makes polite conversation every now and then but otherwise is nothing of note. In reality he’s been stalking you for weeks ever since your first encounter, and is dead set on the idea that you’re this innocent, weak thing that needs to be protected (maybe he stepped in when you had a bad customer and your meek reply helped fester his delusions?). Scara, on the other hand, is only aware of your presence since you’re his favourite cam model that he recently found. (Since he’s a harbinger he’s probs loaded) Weeks of funnelling money towards you cause him to feel this unwarranted possessiveness, believing that since he’s been providing so much in your “relationship” that it’s time you reward him in turn. However, despite the unbridled interest they have toward you neither are aware of each other’s feelings for you— that is, until you happen to run into the both of them heading to your class. While both are known for maintaining their stoic masks, they’re friends for a reason— and instantly can tell the attraction their roommates have towards their own “lover”. After kazuha finds your onlyfans he’s certain that you’ve been coerced and wants to save you, while scara thinks it’s time that he’s stopped letting other plebeians look at his possession—so, despite their initial reservations, come together to form the ideal plan. When you find yourself waking up groggy in a room you don’t recognize, all they can do is look on with glee whilst planning their next course of action with their new belonging. They’re friends after all, and good friends share though, don’t they?

This is v long srry lol you can ignore this ofc!!

AAAH, ANON!! YES!!! <3 I couldn’t resist writing more on this concept. orz They make for such a terrifying pair when they work together!

(cw: yandere, stalking, nsfw, implied kidnapping/drugging, unhealthy behaviors/relationship, delusional thoughts, savior complex, implied violence)

What if Kazuha and Scara were just acquainted with one another and actually became closer through their mutual obsession with you? Yes, they’re roommates and ought to get along because they’re living together but they haven’t exactly clicked yet. They talk every now and then and know little things about each other. Nothing too special. They don’t really hang out outside of their dorm either, what with their class schedules being vastly different. And Kazuha’s always out of the dorm doing who-knows-what. Most of his time is spent at a café, where he’ll write and read and stare at you while you work. On the other hand, Scara prefers to stay inside if he doesn’t have a good reason to go out. He likes his alone time. Although he has enjoyed going to the library every now and then to study.

So maybe they need to find some common ground. Maybe they need a push in the right direction before they get closer.

Kazuha likes to stare. Talking to you is great, but he worries he’ll say too much and then he’ll be a nuisance, or you might not want to talk to him at all since you’re working. But you always regard him with a warm smile, happy to scribble his name on the plastic cup because you remember him. Because you recognize his familiar face and soft, gentle eyes. He’s the one who saved you from that rude customer, after all, and he’s a polite regular. Why wouldn’t you know him? You might look like you can handle those types of situations, but what Kazuha saw that day was something entirely different. You were nervous—so soft-spoken and scared. He absolutely has to protect you from those kinds of people now, doesn’t he?

And he does exactly that. He’s your second pair of eyes—your valiant knight in shining armor—who sees and hears all. Sometimes he goes to the café with the intention to simply watch over you and make sure no one’s bothering you. He can recall one time when a customer was speaking rudely about you because her drink hadn’t been prepared in a ‘timely manner.’ In reality it’s impossible to make a drink within a few seconds, especially when you’re already preoccupied with making another customer’s drink. She must’ve woken up on the wrong side of the bed, or maybe she’s just a hateful person in general. You didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of such fiery insults, though.

Her eyes just can’t see your perfection and therefore she does not deserve to see out of them.

Kazuha’s willing to wrestle with all of this darkness if it means you’ll stay safe, oblivious, and pure. You’re like a defenseless kitten, unable to protect yourself from the scary world. He writes about you a lot in his journal; you’re his muse—someone who constantly shows up in poems and short paragraphs where he tries to describe what your dream date might be or what type of wedding you’d prefer. Things get darker the deeper you delve into his writings, where you’ll find entries in great detail. Kazuha writes a lot and he doesn’t even mean to. He just has to get all of his thoughts on paper before they abandon him and he’s left with emptiness.

Everything you do is pure; you’re almost an equivalent to a holy being. Your smell is pure. Your body is pure. Your actions are pure. Your smile is pure. Even when you’re on the verge of crying from harsh customers or when you’re turning down a confession, you’re still pure. And Kazuha likes that about you because it’s special. There aren’t many people in his life who are completely pure. He’s been through a lot of rough things and has seen firsthand how impure people can be. It’s only fair that he gets a chance to protect purity itself.

He might have some impurities, but that doesn’t deter him from watching over you. As gentle and unassuming as he is, there are times when even he loses his composure. Not many are privy to these dark emotions of his. His smiles are sharp and venomous and his eyes fill with a gloom so dark it can swallow you whole. You’ll never see this side of him; he won’t allow it. Instead you’re treated to his sweet, calm side, where he feigns perfection in hopes of catching your interest.

As for Scara… He doesn’t really care about Kazuha in the beginning. He’s just someone he has to live with. It’s not a big deal and as long as he doesn’t try to make lots of pointless conversation everything will be okay. He prefers the peace and quiet, considering he’s acquainted with people who are far from peaceful and quiet. Scara’s relieved that Kazuha leaves the dorm so often because it gives him an opportunity to watch his favorite cam star’s most recent video. He’s your most loyal follower—someone who’s paid lots of money just to have access to the highest tier of rewards and such. He even got a private video where you addressed him and moaned out his name with lustful thoughts of him. Having lots of money comes in handy.

When he finds out that you go to the same school as him, he’s a little shocked. He didn’t expect you to be so close. You’re practically within touching distance. If only he knew your schedule. If only you were in one of his classes. It’s really annoying that he only knows your online presence and not who you might be in your personal life. The last thing he’s going to do is consult Childe, that popular athlete who knows literally everyone in the school for whatever reason. Surely he knows you. But he’ll die before he ever asks Childe for a favor.

Scara loves you out of every other cam model because you’re different. You’re not just trying to get fast cash. You’re genuine. You listen to your subscribers and their feedback. You do your best to improve and do even better streams than the previous ones. All of your hard work is overlooked by the other fools who watch your streams, but it isn’t overlooked by him. Scara appreciates your attention to detail and the way you’re able to hook him with your breathless voice alone. You’re very skilled at what you do, so it’s only fair you get paid for it.

But buying your services isn’t enough. It’s not a real relationship, but it certainly feels like it when he buys preferential treatment. Private shows, special requests, odd favors—you do it all because he pays for it. But this relationship isn’t going to be one-sided forever. You’ll have to pay him back in full eventually. Scara likes to think he has patience and that waiting is fine. It gives him more time to plan his next move—to figure out what he should do to finally have you all to himself. So that those private shows he watches through a screen can finally be real.

Scara finds the journal sitting innocently on Kazuha’s bed, its maroon cover and maple leaves pulling at his curiosity. He might not know everything about Kazuha, but he’d recognize this journal anywhere. His roommate almost always has it on his person. Scara wouldn’t be surprised if he slept with it. To say he’s curious would be absolutely correct. He can only wonder what Kazuha writes in that thing. Perhaps it’s just notes for a class. That’s what anyone would think, right?

Scara opens it and flips through the first few pages. They’re normal for the most part. Just a bunch of haikus and other useless scribbles. When he skips over some pages, he starts to find things that are far more interesting than poetry and doodles of cats. He finds the majority of the journal is comprised of information. More specifically, there are facts and other knowledge about you—the cam model he’s been obsessed with ever since he stumbled upon your onlyfans. He reads through as much of the journal as he can and instantly learns so much: your address, your roommate, your workplace, your friends’ names, names of any potential exes. The list goes on and on.

Scara doesn’t have anything against Kazuha. His first impression of him wasn’t anything groundbreaking. He thought he was a pushover at first. But now that he knows what this journal holds… Well, it sheds an entirely new light on his roommate.

Just days before Scara took a peek inside his journal, Kazuha discovers your secret online life. He snoops through Scara’s laptop when he steps out, having left it open and unlocked. He’s just trying to find what could have caught Scara’s interest, as he’s almost always glued to his laptop on specific days at specific times, with his headphones on and his gaze unyielding. He doesn’t intend to find the file of one of your private videos—something that was meant only for Scara’s eyes.

He clicks on the video out of interest. He’s not sure what he was expecting to see, but it definitely wasn’t this. Kazuha sits there and stares at the sight before him. You’re dressed in skimpy lingerie and you’re muttering the dirtiest things while coating your fingers in lube. And your hands are stroking a thick toy and you’re addressing Scara and you’re lining it up to your hole and— He shuts the laptop before it can get even more explicit than it already is. He’s so conflicted, fraught with a betrayal so strong it weighs his heart down.

Why would he have this sort of video on his laptop? Did you give it to him? Did he make you do this? Are you in danger? Are you still pure?

Kazuha can’t kill on campus. It’s way too risky and he’d be one of the first suspects if Scara’s body is found. Besides, it’s not like he has the full story. He doesn’t know whether or not Scara’s done something that’s worthy of death. You could just be in a tight spot. He knows how easily you give in when you’re under pressure. Maybe you’re just doing this because you feel like it’s the only thing you can do. Not to worry; Kazuha will save you before Scara can ruin your purity with his twisted fantasies.

They confront each other when the time feels right. Kazuha struggles to keep a smile plastered to his face for the sake of politeness, while Scara holds in his raging temper so that he can bear some semblance of cooperation. Neither of them is happy to hear that the other went through their stuff, but they force themselves to make up because a more pressing issue is at hand: their connection to you.

Kazuha says he’s your secret admirer. Scara says he’s in a relationship with you. There’s no way you’d ever date someone like Scara—Kazuha knows this for a fact. Yet he falters at the confidence in Scara’s tone. That can’t be the truth, right? Despite this, Kazuha still strikes up an offer: If they work together to get what they both want, they’ll be unstoppable. With Scara’s riches and his influence and Kazuha’s charisma and clever thinking, they can easily get their hands on you. Of course this means they’ll have to share, but it’s not a big deal when they’re already in so deep. They both know the other’s secret; now they’re swearing to keep it in the pursuit of having you all to themselves. And luckily Scara agrees to the deal, but that doesn’t give Kazuha a reason to lower his guard.

However despite how well they work together when it comes to planning the kidnapping and actually executing it, they both have their own reasons for wanting you. Scara wishes to make his relationship with you a reality—to toss aside the screen that once held him back and finally do all of the things he could only do in his dreams. Kazuha seeks to protect your fragile heart, lest you crumble under Scara’s intense way of doing things and cling to him for salvation. You can’t do those sorts of things with Scara; he won’t allow it. Your purity is meant for him and no one else.

But sharing is caring and some have to learn that the hard way. It definitely brings Kazuha and Scara closer together, even if neither of them will admit it. If they look past their desires, they can be friends. And soon enough they’ll have to accept this new friendship if they want to avoid any unnecessary complications.

However there are times when they’ll cooperate in order to do things with you. They’re a packaged deal you can’t get rid of.

[ablackfangirlwrites]

Jealous

A/n: y'all should already know I really like beyonce and I really like fics inspired by music so this is just a product of that 😘 I linked the song in the title

Also language warning? Da be cursing in this one

You watched the clocks hit 4am

Keigo should have been home hours ago

Yet he wasnt

Not even a call or text

Clearly he forgot or he didnt care

And all you could do was sit there alone and feel pathetic

Your tears had already dried up a half hour ago

But that didnt mean you felt anything less then humiliated as you sat there with the now empty bottle of champagne and half naked in the lingerie you bought

It was your two year anniversary

You had it all planned out although you didnt plan for him to be a no show

But you could only blame yourself for that

Having a hero as a boyfriend is difficult

Anyone who was in a relationship with one would agree with that

But you were sure you had it just a bit worse

Because your boyfriend just so happened to be the number 2 hero

You thought it was bad when he was just number 3

But since hawks started holding the second spot it kept getting worse

At first things were fine; Great even.

He was a dotting boyfriend the two of you talked and laughed with each other about everything

Anyone who saw you together wouldn't have any doubts that you were in love

And you knew being in an official relationship would be difficult he was a hero after all

And especially since he didnt even want anyone knowing about the two of you

But you remember all those sweet words keigo would tell you

"I don't know what I'd do without you babe."

"I dont want anyone else sweetheart."

"Kid you're the most important person in my life."

"I love you y/n."

But that was the thing keigo said those things keigo was the one who kept promises he was the one you fell in love with

Not hawks

They were different people

Hawks was the man who put everything above you

The one whos lies and refuses to be straight with you

The one who shuts you out

The one who shamelessly flirted with everyone even on national tv knowing you'd see

But still didnt seem to care

And if he didn't care why should you?

Hawks got home around 6am and saw the place a mess

Curtain on the floor, broken glass. Everything disheveled

He almost thought someone had broken in and had a fight

But he knew bettter when he saw you sitting on the couch mascara stain on your face

"Shit." He mutter to himself

He knew exactly why you were upset and had this tantrum

But it wasnt exactly like he could pause in the middle of a mission to text you

"Im sorry y/n." He said sitting a banquet of roses down beside you

But keigo knew at this point those flowers were useless

"You think thats supposed to make me feel better?" You said bitterly

"Babe-"

"Dont fucking babe me." You yelled at him, "You forgot! I sat up all night looking like an idiot and you forgot because when it comes down to it you don't care about anyone but yourself keigo!"

"I was working."

"Like I believe that," you shook your head, "I bet you were with one of your new sidekicks. I bet you were just showing off for one of your adoring fans forgetting that im here."

You knew he was telling the truth he had no reason to lie about it

But in your mind you wanted to yell, you wanted to be angry you wanted to hurt him like he had been hurting you

Because tonight wasnt the first time he didnt keep a promise as of late or just simply neglected you

This had been boiling for a while and now the pot was over flowing

Hawks grew more frustrated as you yelled you were making stuff up and it wasn't even his fault

"It wasn't like that," he tired to talk only for you to jump in

"Save it hawks." You rolled your eyes walking out the room, "just admit you dont appreciate me cause you're comfortable knowing im just sitting here waiting on you and you don't have to put any real effort when you want to get your dick wet."

Keigo followed you from the other room yelling, "You know that isnt true! And you knew how this relationship was going to be from the beginning!"

"What realtionship?" You yelled, "You're barely home! I never see you anymore, and when I do its either you on tv flirting with some random person! Or when were here together you dont talk anymore! How do you think that makes me feel?"

You were letting your fears and jealousies speak, "is it someone else? Are you fucking somebody else Keigo."

"You are so insane of course not! Im working all the time its commission stuff I cant talk about it." Keigo knew deep down you were right he had been drifting away but that was because of work not because he was falling out of love with you

But maybe it was the stress of being up all night or because he was angry that you were clearly yelling at him for no reason he didint tell you that instead he yelled "You're being so fucking paranoid."

"Dont just brush me off-" but Hawk cut you off this time

"If I wanted to fuck someone else trust me kid I would, and I can cause if you hadn't noticed im pretty popular."

"You're such an asshole!"

"And your crazy!"

"Then why do you even bother Keigo! Just go!" You said throwing a pillow from your bed at him

"You're right I should! Cause its fucking pointless when your-you're acting like such a bitch." He said catching it and throwing it on the floor

His words hurt and you knew you had been pushing him to yell but still not wanting to let go you yelled with hot tears in your eyes, "I hate you!"

You both seemed to freeze once those words were spoken

You wanted to immediately take it back

You wanted to tell him that you didnt hate him that you loved him so much that it hurt

That all you really wanted tonight was to spend it in his arms

But you couldn't swallow your pride

Instead you turned away from him

Keigo knew things had already gone too far when he chased after you yelling

He felt guilty about his words

He didnt mean anything he had said, ...you kno- I- Im sorry y/n." He tried to reach out to you but you pulled away from him

"I cant do this anymore Keigo..."

Panic was clear on his face once you spoke those words

Couldnt do what?

Him? You two have aruged before you can get over it, "Y/n-"

"Ill sleep on the couch tonight." You said leaving the room and keigo

Who could only sit and wonder what would become of your relationship in the morning

Y'all bet ur sweet asses there'll be a part 2

[fieryhonesty]

Genshin drabbles filled with sadness - Kaeya, Diluc, Xiao

“What have I done? Why did I write such angsty stuff? I feel horrible for hurting the boys. Maybe I should have delete this...”

prompts: loosing their s/o for whatever reason, f!reader

Genre: angst 

Warning(s): nsfw (alcohol consumption, mention of blood) don’t give me that look you don’t want to read this at work, depression & mourning, reader’s dead (no violent or detailed description the boys just lost their girl)

Kaeya has poured two glasses of wine. One for him and one for the woman sitting next to him. She was smiling with the most genuine smile. Pointing up at the sky. The moon and the stars were shining bright. He didn't need any other light source to see her beautiful face.

Just the two of them sitting at the balcony of their shared house. Silently observing the beauty of the night. Drinking from his glass, the sweet-bitter taste was dancing on his tongue. It was as beautiful as the woman he was spending the time with. 

"You know, you are really beautiful tonight, y/n. How about I take a day off tomorrow just to spend it with you?"

No answer.

"We could go on a walk around the city or perhaps go outside the city's walls?"

Yet again, silence.

Kaeya finished his glass with one quick motion. Pouring more wine. The burning sensation in his throat was slowly reminding him something.

"Hey, Dearest. Why don't you talk to me?" 

Silence. 

"Ah, you are right. I'm... a fool."

He starts laughing. It's not a laugh a happy man would have, it's quite the opposite. Kaeya's in pain. His chest hurts, he knows why but dares not to admit it.

Removing his eye patch and tossing it on the table. Looking at his smiling companion. Why is she so beautiful? He is such a lucky man, having somebody like that. So why is he feeling this pain in his chest? Why does he feel like his heart will burst?

The glass with wine shatters. The shards are covered in the red liquid. He closes his eyes. Trying to force the tears to stop forming. Biting his lips. It hurts so much. His hazy memories are slowly reminding him what's going on. 

Just like a movie it all flashes back in the moment you were standing between him and the enemy. Blocking the hit for him. Falling to ground with a painful scream. But before that you managed to look at your beloved. He is safe, you did well. 

He stares in horror at the scene. Wishing it's just a bad horror he is watching. This can't be happening. You didn't waste your life for him, did you? If there was somebody supposed to die it's him. He made a mistake. A mistake which cost him you.

Kaeya is silently sobbing, one hand hiding his face while the other is gripping his attire at chest area. He is sure nobody can see him, yet he still feels like to hide. He might be drunk but he knows the woman next to him is just an illusion created by his own mind. There's nobody at all it's just him and the wine. 

You are no longer alive. It's all because of him being cocky that day. He was full of himself and so sure he will keep you safe. In the end he lost his remaining pride and you...

Diluc is walking in circles. Biting his thumb while doing so. It hurts, he can taste blood but nothing hurts more than his heart right now. Sweat is forming on his forehead as he is trying to suppress his tears. His shoes are making loud thumbs against the wooden floor. The sounds can be heard in the room under his. 

Everyone is silent in the room. Elzer, Adelinde, the old man Tunner and a few more. Listening to noises from Master Diluc's room, yet nobody dares to let him know he is loud. It would be more than rude. Especially now when he has to deal with yet another painful experience. 

First he lost his father and several years later he lost his wife. He was finally happy. Having you by his side was a blessing. You were there for him whenever he needed and he did the same for you. Feeling down? He'd be there cupping your face, planting butterfly kisses on your face. Snuggling you close into a protective embrace.

You did something similar. Playing with his hair when he was snuggled to your neck. Brushing through them, tucking them behind his ear. Saying soothing words. He would fall asleep like that.

But now? You are gone. Your sudden passing away affected the whole manor. You were liked among the maids as you often joined in small talk or offered to help them. Despite their protests it's their job. You didn't mind it.

Old Tunner and folks from vineyards remember how you often walked around. Caressing the grapes or bringing some snack.

Simply put. You were the star which was shining bright for everyone. Lifting their spirits and now you are gone. Everyone is mourning you but none can think of how much he is hurt. 

When Diluc heard about your critical condition he rushed to see you but doctors didn't let him. You needed to rest but your body was weak, they knew you won't make it. In the end allowing him to see you for the last time. Holding your already cold hand. 

He sat there for minutes, until you left him all alone. He didn't move, doctors had to lead him out. Somebody had to pick him up and bring home. He laid on the bed, one hand over his face. Trying to keep his tears away. 

Nobody dared to knock on the door. Not even Elzer who always worried about his young Master. Trying to offer some kind words. He knew his words would be useless now. All he can do is just wait. He knows if he goes his Master will be out of control and won't listen to anything. 

It's just another painful hit for Master Diluc. He thought he would be happy finally. Already had plans for the future with you. Everything is pointless now. Why does life keep taking his beloved ones from him? How much more he has to suffer…

Xiao is silently sitting at the top of Wangshu Inn. The cold wind is caressing his hair. He is observing the distant horizon, how the moon is slowly going up. His mind is blank. If he were a mortal it would be probably clouded by negative thoughts. 

He has no feelings or need for them. He is one of the mighty Adepti, there's no room for stupid things like feelings or emotions. At least that's what he tries to keep repeating to himself. 

Mortals come and leave out of his life. Which is only natural for their short life span. He wouldn't be bothered with it at all. But there was a woman who managed to change him. Showed him what those odd feelings in his chest are. She proved to him he has feelings and emotions. He was just suppressing them his whole life. 

Perhaps it was all for the better. He feels lonely. Usually it would be the two of you sitting here. You would be nudging him about random things. Snuggle onto his shoulder, whispering some nonsense. He would look at you and see those shiny, beautiful eyes of yours. 

He remembers when you fed him with his favorite dish. He was confused at first why would you do it. Explaining to him it's something people in love would do for their partner. Take care of them. He tried to feed you too, it was a clumsy attempt. But you appreciated his efforts.

You showed him so many nice things he could see only from mortal's eyes. He understands some things he couldn't before. All because of you. But what's this feeling? Regret? No. He does not regret letting you enter his life. He regrets being too late. 

Before he could do something you were already gone. The demon which attacked you. That sneaky bastard avoiding his watchful gaze. It dared to assault somebody he thought of as a close person. Taking you from him just as if bonds are nothing. 

When he arrived you were possessed by the demon. Its power went out of control, destroying everything around. He tried to talk to you but there was nothing left, just agony and darkness. He could see the suffering in your face. You didn't want to. You never were a violent person, yet now you are destroying everything. 

For the first time in his life Xiao felt anger was taking control over him. He wanted to eradicate all demons. For what they did all those millennials, for what they did just right now. He knew you will eventually die and leave him, he was fine with that. But he never thought of losing you like this.

He has to do his duty as a Yaksha, the Liyue's protector. Pointing the tip of his spear at your throat. He stopped only because you tried to talk. The words coming out of your lips were just gibberish. 

"Farewell, y/n. I'm sorry."

Ending it just like that. Watching how the blood was leaving your body. Feeling sick from the sight of it. He released you from the agony the demon was causing you. Banishing it as it tried to escape from your dying body. There's no demon safe, not from Xiao. He will continue his duty.

But one thing is certain. He will always feel lonely at night as he got used to your presence. You will remain in his heart forever. Always will have that special place as a foolish but lovely mortal, daring to approach him despite all of his fame as a Yaksha. The cold he feels right now bothers him. Just if you could be there...

[emmavakarian-theirin]

mood: tear your drawings in half and delete your blog, fucking do it

[ererokii]

This is my first request so I hope I do it right. I was wondering if you could do something with Todoroki and/or Tamaki with Y/N always pinning after them but after awhile they give up and the boy(s) notice and don’t like the absence of them. Like, you decide if they always liked them and they just didn’t know how to act around them or they realized they liked them now that their gone. @corallilac0101102 

I tried a different format this time! And I like it so i might be using this one a lot more often. Sorry for the wait lovely! I hope you like it! unedited, sorry if its not the best

He’s too shy to even notice the attempts you made to know him better.

He can barely talk to you without having to meet the wall for the fifth time that day. 

When you pair up with him for a group project, you are so happy. Words couldn’t express the emotions you were feeling. You gained a crush on the indigo haired boy in your second year but whenever you talked to him, he would flee.

But in your third year, you weren’t having it. And with this project, it ensured that you can actually talk to him. 

You knew he was quiet, but you expected him to make an effort for small talk. By all means you would have never spoken to him if he was going to be like this. 

After a while of him shunning you by turning his back to you to pretend to do something else, was starting to get to you. You couldn’t even get a small hello from him. If you were being honest, he was hurting your feelings with no ill intention. He never showed any emotion to you once so ever.

Were you that horrible? Were you annoying?

Did he not like you? 

☽✧ ✦ ✧☾ 

Tamaki expected you to talk to him once again. He loved listening to your voice. He thinks it’s soothing and can calm his nerves. The only problem for him; he can’t talk back to you without getting nervous. He enjoys seeing how animated your hands are when you speak about something you’re passionate about. But because of how happy you are when talking to him, he can’t return the same energy back until the feeling of nausea ever goes away. 

His eyes trail on your sluggish figure as you walk to your seat beside him. He stayed silent as normal, waiting for your cheerful greeting. But nothing came. He eyed you from his peripheral vision, a sad feeling dwelling in his body at your sadden look. What happened?

“We should get started now. We’re almost done and I want to finish this,” you finally spoke up after a quiet moment, pulling things out of your backpack. An underlying of anger and sadness could be heard in your tone. A brush of your shoulder against his sent chills up his arms. He didn’t expect you to be so quiet.

The duration of class was a nightmare. He hated the awkwardness between you. Why couldn’t you just speak to him? Or at least, why couldn’t he speak to you?

Small pants left Tamaki’s mouth as he quickly followed you down the corridor. “Y-Y/N!” he watched as your body halted, looking over your shoulder. He noticed a look of hurt in your eyes. “What was that back there..?”

“What do you mean? I was just tired. Seems that you don’t like talking to me anyway.”

His heart ached as he shook his head, approaching you. “N-No course that’s not it! I love being around you! You just make me so nervous that I don’t know how to act!”

“Then why does it seem like I bother you? You always shun me away or you never acknowledge me. Don’t worry. I got your message.”

“No it’s not like that! I really like you and you make me nervous!”

Those few words were enough to make changes in your relationship. And since then, he made an effort to talk to you, even though it pained him to do so. If it meant seeing your smile again, he would do it.

Oh Todoroki notices you, he for sure does. He’s very observant. He notices the way you greet him first thing in the morning, you walk with him to lunch and you’re always walking to class with him. 

At first he wonders why you want to befriend him. I mean why? He was socially awkward and dense. Very dense. 

And Todoroki is blunt, he says it how it is.

When you ask him a bunch of questions to try to get to know him, he thinks it’s pointless. And he would rather not talk about his personal things. He thinks it’s weird to tell someone his favorite color, if he even has one.

There were points where your presence just became too much for him. He slowly gets aggravated when you continue your actions. His tone is more snappish. He’s losing his patience. But he feels terrible, because he knows you only meant well. 

But he can’t help but snap at you one day when your questions become a little too personal.

 ☽✧ ✦ ✧☾

Many times his heart ached when he saw you with Kirishima or even Bakugou. He couldn’t blame anyone else besides himself. He only feels this upset when his eyes lay on his father, someone he didn’t want to affiliate himself with. But by the looks of it, both of them fail in maintaining relationships. 

He could go for someone asking him thousands of useless questions. Todoroki feels lonely as he awaits for you to come back, but you don’t. 

The son of the Pro Hero watches as you walk right past him in the hallway. A small incoherent noise leaves his mouth as he follows you from behind, reaching out for your arm, “H-Hey YL/N!” 

You just wanted him to leave you alone already. You got his message, so why was he bugging you now?

“Look, Todoroki, I know. You don’t have to tell me twice. I’m leaving you alone, for good.”

A groan is heard as he shakes his head, trying his best to plead with you. “No that’s not what I meant. I meant-”

“You didn’t mean it in a rude way. Don’t worry, it’s okay. I’m okay now. Really.”

“I’m not used to it!” he blurts out suddenly, eyes wide from his outburst, seeing your startled expression. He sighs quietly as he grabs both of your hands in his warm ones, staring into your eyes. “What I meant to say, was that I’m not used to it. At all. I never had someone try to know me. So when you asked me those questions, I got overwhelmed. It was never my intention to belittle you like that.”

You stayed silent, choosing to look for an answer in his eyes. “Are you serious?” you ask quietly, averting your gaze from him after a few seconds of intense eye contact. 

“Yes, I am.”

“..you goddamn idiot. You could have just told me from the start!!”

He defends himself once more as you laugh away, the thick air that was between you, was now gone. Honestly, if he was upfront with you, this whole ordeal wouldn’t exist.