#It's not the end of the world but I'd miss my old life terribly

[luosaugury]

Sometimes I think it's just so sad that Javik, as a soldier, will most definitely not know how to recreate the most basic of his people's memory-sharing technology. Sure, prothean tech is toted as having supreme quality by the game, working fine even after 50k years, but the same game also shows that they can be damaged, broken, unusable. This is just to say that if Javik's shard breaks, he may not be able to fix it - probably the last link he has to his people.

The shard doesn't have to only hold painful memories. He can add his own. All I'm saying is that it's a piece of technology as normal and intuitive for him as breathing, and one of the few familiar things he has in this new, alien time. And he may not have access to it anymore.

I'm not sure I'm making sense of my thoughts. It's like having your childhood home burnt down and you can only rescue only one of your favourite family albums but now the pictures have been water damaged beyond recognisable. And you live in a time when people just don't understand what a "photo album" or a "camera" is, because they have a different way of safekeeping their fond memories.

[maintitle]

I want to talk a little bit about the Morrigan/Mythal situation, because I've seen a lot of people talk about how Morrigan chose Mythal and chose that power and therefore this is her life and her ultimate evolution and generally just dismissing what happens to her after Mythal rejoins her as a natural evolution of the character, girlboss, ect. I don't want to be dismissive of that take because it can be one that is easily taken without reflection, but I do think it terribly misunderstands the nature of Flemeth and Morrigan's relationship and the methods by which she was very carefully raised.

So let's talk about Morrigan, how she was groomed and abused, and the training she took great pride in that was that was ultimately weaponized against her by design. Let's also talk about the great pains the game goes through in order to sidestep these issues, and by doing so leaving a much better story on the cutting room floor in order to make a very tepid story of parental forgiveness that misses the depth of their relationship entirely.

I'd like to say at the jump that the fusion of Morrigan and Mythal isn't a story I'm resistant too. I assumed this was the direction they would go and I truly think there was some fascinating storytelling to be had that expanded upon the themes already present in both. But I also think the Veilguard writers either misunderstand the exact nature of how Morrigan was raised, or needed to ignore it in order for Morrigan to serve as a vessel for Mythal in order to serve Solas' story (an issue I have with her use in this game in general, but that's for another post.)

The most revealing conversation that I think Morrigan has in regards to Flemeth is actually one that occurs very early in Origins. I think it's juxtaposition with other scenes is important;

Morrigan: "My Mother has been hunted from time to time, yes. My Templar fools like Alistair, which should tell you how successful they generally were. Flemeth made a bit of a game of it, in fact. The Templars would come again and she would look at me and smile and say that the fun was to begin once more."

Warden: "You really had no trouble with them?

Morrigan: "I am unsure. I was too young to understand, and perhaps 'twas bravado on Flemeth's part. Or perhaps she was merely amused. I will never know. Flemeth would warn them, once. 'Twas a warning they inevitably failed to heed." Morrigan: "And then the true game began. Often Flemeth would use me as bait." She giggles in amusement. "A little girl to scream, and run, and lure the templars deeper into the wilds and to their doom."

Warden: "Flemeth used you as bait?"

Morrigan: "'Twas a game, and I a young girl. If I didn't get to play, I would have been very upset."

This is a really important example, not just of how callously Morrigan was trained to kill when she was challenged at such a young age, but also because it exemplifies how Flemeth taught her. There's an assumption that Flemeth simply yelled and screamed at Morrigan her entire childhood, and that was true in places, but Flemeth was very crafty in how she presented the lessons that she felt were necessary for Morrigan to have.

A bit further into the conversation;

Warden: "Do you still think it was fun?" Morrigan: "I think that my Mother made it fun so that a child did not learn to fear. And I think it was necessary."

Interestingly, if you don't agree with this assessment, Morrigan ends the conversation very suddenly.

The point of highlighting both of these conversations isn't necessarily to outline the casual and cruel abuse, but instead to show how sinister Flemeth's teaching methods were. She treated a child with kindness and the warmness of a friend or Mother when it suited the needs of Morrigan's lessons, but when she broke out and did something that would endanger those teachings, she violently lashed out, as is evident with the mirror scene.

These juxtapositions are important when you look at who Morrigan becomes as an adult, and why she's sent away during the Blight at all. As we know, it was Flemeth's plan all along for Morrigan to offer the ritual before the battle with the Archdemon, but Morrigan posits that it's now her making those decisions and not her Mother. This is highlighted by the line;

Morrigan: "Some things are worth preserving in this world. Make of that what you will."

If we jump ahead a bit to Inquisition, this thought process is expanded on a lot more, in a lot more detail, highlighting the philosophy in Mythal's temple;

Morrigan: "There is... a danger to the natural order. Legends walked Thedas once, things of might and wonder. Their passing has left us all the lesser. Corypheus would squander the ancient power of the well. I would have it restored"

Inquisitor: "I wasn't expecting your answer to be so... romantic."

Morrigan: "Trust me. Your surprise is matched only by my own." Sigh. "Mankind blunders through the world, crushing what it does not understand: Elves, dragons, magic... the list is endless. We must stem the tide or be left with nothing more than the mundane. This I know to be true."

On a surface level, this can be seen as an evolution of who she was in Origins and what she believed then. I can see how that mistake might be made, and I can see how that thought process can lead to accidentally mistaking Veilguard's reply to it as being that same evolution. But if we look at the Dark Ritual, we see this is an opinion based within the philosphy she was always taught by Flemeth.

In order to expand on that, we can actually look to the comics, in the little-explored character of Yavana, sister of Morrigan.

I want to stress first we don't TRULY know much about Yavana. History implies she's a figure out of Antivan legend going back multiple ages, but it's sort of impossible to know if that's true or if it's even her and not a previous Witch Of The Wilds, or even a previous host of Mythal. I hesitate, therefor, to truly assume what her relationship with her Mother was like, however I will very carefully put forward that, based on what little dialogue we have of her, she may be a 'failed' daughter of Flemeth that Mythal deemed unworthy, as she knows about Mythal inhabiting her daughters, see's it as Flemeth does, and seems somewhere between disapointed and jealous in the fact that Morrigan seems to misunderstand that. (I'm not really here to run back the whole Origins possession versus Inquisition's and now Veilguard's 'a soul is not hefted on the unwilling, because frankly it doesn't really weigh in on the point being made here as much as you'd suspect, as you'll see.) But this assumption is questionable, and might be both wrong and not relevant to the issue, if perhaps fairly telling.

What we DO know about her for certain is that she was raised by Flemeth, and at some point moved to Antiva in order to nurture and preserve the return of Dragons to Thedas. Her actual wording of this point, I think, is so telling of FleMythal as a character that I almost wish it wasn't hidden away in the comics;

This is, nearly verbatim, the same message Morrigan gives both in short in Origins before the Dark Ritual, and in much more detail in the Temple Of Mythal in Inquisition. I also find Alistair's response to this INCREDIBLY telling, as one of Alistair's great talents is seeing through people;

While I think the phrasing is very purposefully dismissive and flippant, I don't think the sentiment is totally off base. It actually leads me into the entire thesis of this post, and an aspect of this relationship that some fans and even writers seem to blatantly miss;

The preservation of the old magic is not Morrigan's dream. The preservation of magic is what Morrigan was raised to value most in the world by her abuser.

To illustrate this, let's look at Morrigan's arc in Inquisition, and what it's actually saying about her and Flemythal; The cycle of abuse.

Mythal's Temple is a story about Morrigan and the folly of pride, certainly, but it's also a character arc of a woman who was very carefully raised to HAVE that pride. This isn't an assumption I have made based on evidence, Flemeth outright says it in DA2;

Hawke: "Is (Morrigan) someone I should know?" Flemeth: "She's a girl who thinks she knows what is what better than I, or anyone." Chuckle. "And why not? I raised her to be as she is. I cannot expect her to be less!"

This is, to be, the smoking gun of Flemeth's entire method of teaching and parenting. She is incredibly adept at training flaws into her daughters, pride being the greatest of them. More than that, she's very talented at imparting just enough knowledge that they think they know everything, while also holding back vast amounts of it in order to stay in control.

The Temple Of Mythal is one of the crowning achievements of that. While you can't exactly expect Mythal to have known that's where Morrigan would end up (although Morrigan certainly questions if she knew it would happen), it really hardly matters if she knew or not. Morrigan was raised from birth in order to make the exact decision she made at the Temple. The preservation of what might be lost is such a core part of her being that she can't escape it... and more than that, she can't fathom it being a negative trait. To her, it's a holy calling.

I'm going to pull out the most direct conversation of abuse Morrigan documents now, not to pile on more evidence, but instead because I think it's a more effective conversation to use as juxtaposition of why she thinks that than I could make myself;

Leliana: They say your mother is Flemeth, a witch of the Korcari Wilds. Morrigan: They also say that washing your feet in winter makes you catch cold in the head, but we all know that is not true. But sometimes they are right and they are right in this. Leliana: You know the stories about-- Morrigan: Of course. You think my mother would let me go without telling me all the stories of her youth? Leliana: My mother told me stories too. She was the one who kindled my love of the old tales and legends. Morrigan: Hmph. my mother's stories curdled my blood and haunted my dreams. No little girl wants to hear about the Wilder men her mother took to her bed, using them till they were spent, then killing them. No little girl wants to be told that this is also expected of her, once she comes of age. Leliana: I... uh... I see. Morrigan: No, you don't. You really don't.

This is the environment Morrigan grew up in. She was exposed to Flemeth taking advantage of men, she was exposed to gruesome murder both as a game and in casual moments. Any attempt she made to take self-possession or grow as a person was aggressively curtailed and broken. This was a girl so afraid of her home life that, for many years, she spent as much time as she could living amongst the animals of the forest, and escaping her home life.

Now, imagine; This same abusive woman gives you positive reinforcement. You're a child, and you crave that attention like any child would of their Mother, and you know that reinforcement comes when you're an attentive and talented student. The closest you ever are with your Mother is when you're taking in everything she has to teach you, so it becomes the center of your life. Soon, it's not just a method by which to be close to your Mother, but a core tenant in your life. They stay with you as a fascination, as something you take pride in, as a holy crusade even as you escape your abuser and move on into a happier version of your life where you've grown and matured, where you've seemingly broken the cycle.

Now, imagine the discovery that those few, core, good memories you have were horribly tainted. The lessons you were taught were cyclical, a method by which to control you and gather that which she needs. Your life goal, your career, your passion was entirely made in order to benefit the abuser you've run from your entire life. Imagine who devastating that would be.

That's what happened at the Temple Of Mythal. That was the pride that Flemeth trained into Morrigan, the path by which she wanted her to evolve. She seized that opportunity, and that opportunity either tied her to her abuser forever, and/or told her abuser where she and her son was after years of protecting him from her.

Everything you know, everything you are, everything you've protected... is based on a lie.

Morrigan's character arc in Inquisition is her breaking that cycle. 'What Pride Had Wrought' is in reference at least partially to Morrigan's personal journey, where that pride, that passion, is something she recklessly seizes on because to her it is good and right and just and hers by nature, and it is that pride that was so ingrained into her by her abuser that she watches tear her son away from her and into the hands of said abuser.

In that moment, when she's faced by everything that her pride could lose her, she is forced to reckon with everything she has ever believed, and in the face of her greatest fear... she chooses to break the cycle of abuse. She chooses to assure that her son is safe.

The most obvious quote to be in this write-up;

Flemythal: "As you wish. Hear my proposal, dear girl. Let me take the lad, and you are free of me forever. I will never interfere with or harm you again. Or, keep the lad with you... and you will never be safe from me. I will have my due." Morrigan: "He returns with me." Flemythal: "Decided so quickly?" Morrigan: "Do whatever you wish. Take over my body now, if you must, but Kieran will be free of your clutches. I am many things, but I will not be the Mother you were to me."

This is obviously Morrigan's most famous line, but I actually am not sure if folks understand the truth depth of it; This is not only breaking the cycle of abuse and freeing her son of it, but she's also going against every natural instinct that was bred into her. This woman, the girl that was raised to lure men to their deaths for fun, who's most crucial life lesson was to do anything in order to survive... accepts she will never be safe again. She accepts the possibility of constant danger just to keep her son safe a day longer, a sacrifice her Mother would have never made for her.

This was a possible full culmination of her story. And Veilguard... sort of ignores the meaning of it by giving undo attention to Flemeth's head tilt.

I want to take a moment to preface this next section by saying that I was in no way resistant to the idea of Morrigan being possessed by Mythal in Veilguard. I in fact expected it and was excited by the possibility. There was a really brilliant way to handle the situation even within the parameters of how the game handled it, but the developers chose instead to dismiss this situation in a few lines so that they could instead focus on Mythal, and her relationship with Solas.

I don't want to outright insult the writers here. Veilguard was a game I greatly enjoyed. But I do want to say this because I find it deeply regressive, and I also find the decisions that were made were a symptom of this issue; Morrigan is not in Veilguard for her own character. Morrigan is in Veilguard because she is a convenient vessel through which to explore a character that has much more importance to the main antagonist. This is already slightly regressive because it's two characters largely only serving the plot of one male character, but I find it most troubling because the character they use her for is her own abuser, and by paying as little attention to that as possible while also barely using Morrigan herself as a character, it creates a very tepid story of parental forgiveness that... doesn't work as presented.

From her scene in the Crossroads after finding all of Solas' regrets;

Morrigan: "When I learned she intended me to become the next receptacle of an ancient god's soul, I feared naught would be left of my own. It inevitably came to pass on a deep night: I was awakened by the presence of a blaze of magic in the shape of a woman who both was, and was not, my Mother."

Rook: "I don't think I'd recover from that."

Morrigan: "Neither did I, at the start. Mythal's memories were both gift and burden, this blazing woman told me, but I must accept them of my own accord. The decision was paralyzing. What would it mean to become such a host? What would be lost if I refused? In the end, 'twas something in my Mother's voice which guided me."

Rook: "What was that?"

Morrigan: "Regret. Not the regret of a God, but of a Mother who knew she would never see me again. And so my mind remains my own. What I gained was knowledge... both Mythal's, and of those who bore her."

I think you can see where the problem lies, but let me reiterate:

Morrigan was a child of abuse. That abuse was calculated, both in how she treated her aggressively and how she gave her affection. Her methods of teaching, of raising a child, were there entirely to teach that child to continue on the legacy of Mythal. The preservation of magic was imbued very carefully into Morrigan and Yavana both in order to gather and save aspects of the ancient elves, and in order to prepare them to carry Mythal's soul. Pride was a weakness trained into them from childhood, and their lofty goal of protecting ancient magic was a weapon to be wielded in order to control them. This was a cycle Morrigan first discovered in Inquisition and began to fight against, because she wanted to break the cycle of abuse for the sake of her son.

In this game, Morrigan took on the memories of Flemythal... in order to preserve ancient magic that must be protected so that it is not lost. An instinct given to her by her Mother... in order to be used as a weapon... so that one day she would take on the soul of Mythal.

I want to be clear, I am not opposed to this storyline. I'm not going to yell 'That's problematic, you can't write that!' or 'That's a regression of her character!' because I think it's a fascinating direction to take both their characters.

The problem to me isn't that they went down this pretty natural path, the problem is they did it by... sidestepping any negative parts of how this would affect Morrigan. They sidestepped the fact that the reason she accepted her was largely because of something that Flemythal trained into her and weaponized against her, and the writing treats it as... a difficult moment that eventually brought her peace.

I think this is most exemplified in the aspect of Mythal's soul that remains in the Crossroads. As a concept some are saying it's arbitrary considering how Flemythal saved herself inside of an amulet in Origins/DA2, but I think that's lacks context. It's clear Mythal couldn't prepare this time, because she didn't expect Solas to murder her. Her soul, while saving itself, fractured into pieces. I'm definitely willing to defend that choice.

The problem, I think, is more that the fracturing is seemingly mostly used as a way to sidestep how Mythal's soul fully joining Morrigan would change this scenario. Morrigan's ultimate fear was becoming one with the soul of Mythal, so in order to avoid that they've attempted to only give Morrigan the memories of Flemythal while also seemingly leaving her unchanged as a character.

My issue with this thought process, first and foremost, is that it prevents them from exploring a much better story that has the chance of presenting a much better payoff as a story of an abused child coming to terms with her Mother. It removes the chance of Morrigan's possession being a major character arc, one that would further what she went through in Inquisition while also offering Flemythal a pathway toward an understanding with her daughter so that that ending could still be explored, in order to get to where they want to truly get to as fast as possible, which is using Morrigan as an agent for Mythal's forgiveness in order to fulfill Solas' character arc.

Imagine a more fleshed out version of this story, one where Morrigan had more of a presence within it. Over time, as you discover more about Mythal out through those flashbacks, you begin to realize something is... off about Morrigan. Her unique way of talking has slowly changed, her more sarcastic and poetic tone drips away in favor of Flemythal's more loose, jovial, sometimes playful but always pointed and aggressive tone. The player is prepared to pick up on that, but Rook isn't. Things eventually come to a head where Mythal has to reveal herself, likely as an aggressor similar to how she's handled in the Crossroads, and Morrigan is actually allowed to exist within this presentation. She sneaks through occasionally. The magic of the crossroads allows her moments of clear headedness. She reflects that she accepted her Mother's soul out of that fear, and that it's begun to change her, that she's scared of what she's losing, and even more frightened of how she's coming to understand her Mother. Conflict occurs and if you've reached Morrigan, she fights against Mythal's influence and regains control enough to fracture them just enough to have to come head-to-head, where you can guide them through decades of conflict to a mutual understanding or forgiveness through this bond they have, help Morrigan fully overcome Mythal, or help Mythal dominate Morrigan. Ideally, you'd have the ability to either remove Mythal's essence from Morrigan forcefully with an 'I reject you!' scene, or you can have your moment of forgiveness where the Flemeth side of Mythal removes herself from Morrigan, perhaps into the idol you use for Solas at the end.

But that's not what they did. What they chose to do, I think, is to sidestep a difficult issue, a problem this game does tend to have. I'm not entirely sure if they didn't quite grasp Morrigan's relationship with her Mother, or felt they were forced to gloss over it either because of the world state issue or their need to use Mythal, but the decision they came to is not an acceptable payoff to that story.

The truth of the matter is, this version of the stories' either inability to explore this issue in full or it's misunderstanding of it greatly hurts the characterization and misses a massive chance at more impactful storytelling. And that, to me, is the most damning creative decision of the entire game.

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FROM A COURT OF WINGS AND RUIN *  assorted lines from the novel by sarah j. maas, adjust as necessary

only you can decide what breaks you. only you.

tonight, i want you to wear that crown to bed. only the crown.

i believe everything happens for a reason.

this could be a very bad idea.

we can make whatever rules we want.

leave a note... or tell me next time.

you have every right to question me.

i don't see you spouting poetry.

i missed you. every second. every breath.

you're my equal. and as much as that means we have each other's backs in public, it also means we grant each other the gift of honesty... of truth.

is there a purpose to your visit, or may i return to my book?

kindness can thrive even amongst cruelty.

it's a rare person to face who they are and not run from it... not be broken by it.

it's fine if you drink directly from it.

i wish i had been there to stop it. i should have been there to stop it.

my goal was bigger than revenge.

i belong to no one, but my heart belongs to you.

i hadn't realized i was a villain in your narrative.

there are many types of strength beyond the ability to wield a blade and end lives.

you are your own person, you make your own choices.

i'd like a word.

you are a better friend to me than i ever was to you.

i want to share this bed with you. i want you to hold me.

remember that you are a wolf, and you cannot be caged.

we're all a little broken in our own ways... in places no one might see.

i would have waited five hundred more years for you. a thousand years.

you are a warrior, and warriors know when to pick their fights.

they took what is ours. and we do not allow these crimes to go unpunished.

i believe that everything happened exactly the way it had to... so i could find you.

it is the family you make, not the one you are born into, that matters.

ready to be wicked?

one life may change the world.

i missed you, too.

this is war. we don't have the luxury of good ideas - only picking between the bad ones.

it is a new world, and we must decide how we are to end this old one and begin it anew.

i see all of you. and there is not one part that i do not love with everything i am.

it'll be dangerous.

i have no regrets in my life, but this.

i will find you in the next world, the next life.

what we think to be our greatest weakness can sometimes be our biggest strength.

i won't tell anyone unless you say so.

when you erupt, make sure it is felt across worlds.

you bow to no one.

leave this world a better place than how you found it.

you do not fear. you do not falter. you do not yield.

will you come with me on this adventure, and all the rest?

do not get distracted. do not linger.

it's already ended badly.

for someone who was just dead, you seem remarkably relaxed.

they're terribly cruel to me.

here's to family reunions.

i will fight with everything i have, too.

what time are we back in the training ring tomorrow?

daylight is a precious resource.

[autistichalsin]

One thing that gets me in a good way is how repeatedly Halsin says or implies that traveling with you is one of the best memories of his life, highlighting just how miserable he was as First/Archdruid.

Asking how he's faring at camp in various scenarios in acts 1 and 2:

A fine respite from the world's troubles, this camp of yours. I daresay I may rest more easily here than I did at the grove... ...and certainly better than I did while languishing in the goblins' cages.

And

Wonderfully! If I'm honest, the grove was too comfortable for my tastes; I felt removed from nature.

And

I'd rather the shadow curse didn't linger just beyond the campfire... but your company more than makes up for it. It's not easy, seeing the ravages of the shadow curse... but your camp is a most welcome solace. You've shared your fire with me, your company. A small pocket of light against the darkness, but one I couldn't do without. Thank you.

After being asked if he'll miss being First Druid:

Miss it? Oh dear no. It's a terrible burden; takes you away from nature and forces you to deal with others' problems and personalities[...] I'm just glad to be out here amidst the Oak Father's creations.

In the epilogue:

The Oak Father has been kind to me this past while, yet I cannot forget the bond we all forged together. It is one that can weather any distance, any passage of time. I know it can, for I feel the longing for old friends in my heart each day.

And, lastly, from Halsin's letter to the player in the epilogue, if the player never broke the Shadow Curse, causing Halsin to stay behind in the Shadow Cursed Lands:

My friend, I was truly heartened to learn of your success in the fight against the Absolute- the whole of the Sword Coast and beyond owes you a debt that can never be repaid. I dearly wish I could have joined in your moment of celebration, but the Shadow Curse remains, and so my vigil must continue. Perhaps I shall yet discover a way to restore light to this place, but until then, the memories of my time traveling with you shall sustain me through all manner of hardships. If the Oak Father is kind, one day I shall feel the warmth of the sun and know the joys of your company once again. Yours until the end, Halsin

This one is particularly poignant, because while facing darkness that might last the rest of his life, he specifically points to the short time he knew the player's friendship as getting him through the difficult memories, with not a single nod to anyone else- not from the Grove or elsewhere. Maybe it was an example of recency bias, but it still hits hard.

Traveling with the player, even with the threat from the Absolute and everything else, really was one of the best memories of his life, just because the camp of weirdos were the first ones to want him for who he was- platonically or otherwise. He could be himself, be free from the burden of leadership, and still do good. Which is one of three things- the others being breaking the Shadow Curse and having a child- that he wanted the most. And in the good ending, all three of these come true for him.

[savrenim]

whos ur mdzs blorbo (if u say anyone but jiang cheng youre wrong /JOKE)

not to be an Extremely Basic Bitch but Wei Wuxian. in my defense gotta LOVE me any character who is doing basic physics research and you cannot tell me that the development of demonic cultivation is not basic physics research in any given story I am going to be most obsessed with the character who is closest to doing theoretical physics in that setting bc most often nobody gives a fuck about the physics of their world in the main story even!! though!! it!! would!! be!! really!! cool!! magic!! physics!! that!! I!! want!! to!! know!! about!! and yes I understand the author set out to tell a story not to do fundamental physics but the physics of it will haunt me. I can and will kill on the hill that Wei Wuxian does magic physics and he does it Really Fucking Well and that is the thing I care most about in the world

but also

I am generally Bad At Cooking. I got better at cooking towards the end of grad school! but at the beginning of grad school I was actually cooking all my own food for the first time and was Bad At It and what's worse is that I was so tight on time that I'd almost always bulk cook for the whole week which meant that if I fucked up a recipe I had to eat it for lunch and dinner for like six days straight

until I discovered. the single best cooking hack. in the world.

you see, I like spicy. and I'm a vegetarian have been for forever and vegetarian bulk meals are like. "pasta and vegetables" "beans and rice and vegetables" etc etc. which and it turns out. that if you fuck up trying to make something. without altering the texture and having to redo anything bc it's totally possible to do it at the very end you can just dump an ungodly amount of red pepper flakes and/or cayenne pepper powder in and now it does not taste Bad, it simply tastes Spicy, and for me, that tastes Good

I proceeded to use this trick with everything. including when my coffee beans got really old and stale bc bought those in bulk too. simply throw red pepper flakes in to the ground beans before you drip brew it and now it's spicy coffee instead of stale coffee!

anyways I eventually became A Better Cook and Started To Make Food That Is Spicy But You Can Actually Like. Taste Other Flavors. miss Spicy Coffee tho, wish I had the time to brew my own coffee again.

fast forward to like. a month ago.

I discovered about a month ago lo and behold that I Do Slightly Better life-wise if I Actually Eat Breakfast before running out the door even though it's like 6:45am and I'm not that hungry. and I had a bunch of old fancy farmer's market granola from like two years ago that was about to expire so I started eating that with some greek yogurt. but it was a small bag and I was about to run out. so I bugged housemate-partner-who-is-a-good-cook-my-beloved of would he consider helping make me a shit-ton of homemade bulk granola, I'd grab the ingredients and we could figure it out as we went along

except the thing is he Hates cooking by Vibes instead of A Recipe it Stresses Him Out So Much bc he is not used to people with the attitude of "eh if I fuck around I find out that is the deal I make with the universe I'll still eat it" he is used to people with the attitude of "if it's fucked up I am physically incapable of eating this"

so I. jokingly. as he expressed some Worry about "do we REALLY need to cook this by Vibes? can we Please find a granola recipe??" went "hey don't worry!! if it comes out Absolutely Terrible we can just use my old trick from grad school of throwing enough cayenne pepper into it that it just takes Spicy instead of Bad!" the joke being that like. spicy granola in yogurt that is a CRIME hell spicy granola is a crime who ever heard of spicy granola

.............except I was. really curious.

so the next morning I tried sticking some red pepper flakes so the texture wouldn't be disgusting into my granola and yogurt, I am nothing if not a caricature of myself, I live by the primary tenet of "commit to the bit" there did not exist a world in which once I had set forth that bit I would not Commit to it.

and it was delicious????? like it was weird Spicy Surprise but it was delicious. No Bit I Just Legitimately Like Spicy Granola Apparently With Or Without Yogurt.

so I Decided that let's not even wait for us to Potentially Fuck Up The Granola Recipe let's just put 3/4ths of a full shaker of red pepper flakes into it for Funnsies. because that's a reasonable amount of red pepper flakes, right? there's a lot of granola I want to make sure that there's a hint of spice in every bite!

out came a gallon and a half of Crimes Granola. the red pepper flakes got into the coconut oil so every single bite of it is infused with a huge amount of spice it is FUCKING DELICIOUS and to absolutely every single person in my house who have Nowhere Near My Spice Tolerance even the one who Likes Reasonably Spicy Things it is Totally Inedible I make a three month supply of booby-trapped granola that I and I alone can eat

anyways.

like two days later I proceeded to have an existential crisis about the fact that I'd made granola that I was the only person I knew who would like it, except also, Wei Wuxian would probably like it.

so yeah he's my fave.

[lucifersresources]

taylor swift // the tortured poets department : the anthology rp meme part two. part one here.

edit/alter/change pronouns etc as you see fit!

the black dog.

i just don't understand how you don't miss me.

old habits die screaming.

i move through the world with the heartbroken.

my longings stay unspoken.

i may never open up the way i did for you.

do you hate me?

i pledged and i still mean it.

now i wanna sell my clothes and set fire to all my clothes.

i wanna hire a priest to come and exorcise my demons.

i wanna hire a priest to come and exorcise my demons, even if i die screaming.

imgonnagetyouback.

i can tell when somebody still wants me.

i'm gonna get you back.

i'm gonna curse you.

you were never not mine.

i can take the upper hand.

i might just love you till the end.

we're becoming something new.

even if it's handcuffed, i'm leaving here with you.

we broke all the pieces but still wanna play the game.

told my friends i hate you.

i love you just the same.

pick your poison, babe, i'm poison either way.

the albatross.

wild winds are death to the candle.

a rose by any other name is a scandal.

they tried to warn him about her.

cross your thoughtless heart.

only liquor anoints you.

she is here to destroy you.

one bad seed kills the garden.

i'd visit in your dreams.

they tried to warn you about me.

devils that you know raise worse hell than a stranger.

she's the death you chose.

you're in terrible danger.

the devil that you know looks more like an angel.

i'm the life you chose.

chloe or sam or sophia or marcus.

you just watched it happen.

i loved you the way that you were.

tear my world apart.

you said some things that i can't unabsorb.

you turned me into an idea of sorts.

you needed me.

you needed me, but you needed drugs more.

i couldn't watch it happen.

i crashed into you like so many wrecks do.

too impaired by my youth to know what to do.

can we watch our phantoms like watching wild horses?

it just didn't happen.

will i always wonder?

how did it end?

we hereby conduct this post-mortem.

our maladies were such we could not cure them.

a touch that was my birthright became foreign.

how did it end?

we were blind to unforeseen circumstances.

we learned the right steps to different dances.

the death rattle breathing silenced as the soul was leaving.

my beloved ghost and me, sitting in a tree.

i can't pretend like i understand.

so high school.

tell me about the first time you saw me.

look at you.

no one's ever had me, not like you.

you knew what you wanted.

i hate it here.

tell me something awful.

tell me all your secrets.

all you'll ever be is my eternal consolation prize.

now i seem to be scared to go outside.

i don't believe in good luck.

i hate it here.

i will go to secret gardens in my mind.

nostalgia is a mind's trick.

only the gentle survived.

i dreamed about it in the dark.

i felt like i might die.

i'm lonely.

i'm bitter, but i swear i'm fine.

this place made me feel worthless.

in my fantasies, i rise above it.

thanK you aIMee.

it was always the same searing pain.

all that time you were throwing punches, i was building something.

i can't forgive the way you made me feel.

but i can't forget the way you made me heal.

it wasn't a fair fight.

i built a legacy that you can't undo.

i built a legacy.

but when i count the scars, there's a moment of truth.

there wouldn't be this if there hadn't been you.

in your mind, you never beat my spirit black and blue.

i don't think you've changed much.

i look in people's windows.

i had died the tiniest death.

i'm afflicted by the not knowing.

what if your eyes looked up and met mine one more time?

the prophecy.

i got cursed like eve got bitten.

a greater woman wouldn't beg.

please, i've been on my knees, change the prophecy.

change the prophecy.

who do i have to speak to about if they can redo the prophecy?

i still dream of him.

even statues crumble if they're made to wait.

i'm so afraid i sealed my fate.

someone tell me it'll be okay.

cassandra.

burn the bitch.

do you believe me now?

i was in my tower, weaving nightmares.

what doesn't kill you makes you aware.

what happens if it becomes who you are?

they knew the whole time.

when the truth comes out, it's quiet.

peter.

forgive me.

is it something i did?

i thought it was just goodbye for now.

you said you were gonna grow up, then you were gonna come find me.

promises oceans-deep, but never to keep.

are you still a mind reader?

are you still a natural scene-stealer?

i've heard great things, *name*.

life was always easier on you than it was on me.

underneath the same moon, in different galaxies.

i won't confess that i waited.

i let the lamp burn.

as the men masqueraded, i hoped you'd return.

love's never lost when perspective is earned.

the shelf life of those fantasies has expired.

lost to the 'lost boys' chapter of your life.

forgive me, *name*, please know that i tried.

please know that i tried.

please know that i tried to hold on to the days when you were mine.

the bolter.

we must stop meeting like this.

as she was leaving, it felt like breathing.

she liked the way it tastes.

she just knows she must bolt.

there's escape in escaping.

robin.

you are bloodthirsty.

you have no room in your dreams for regrets.

you'll learn to bounce back.

the manuscript.

now and then she rereads the manuscript.

now and then she rereads the manuscript of the entire torrid affair.

i'm not a donor but i'd give you my heart if you needed it.

but soon, it was over.

everything had been above board.

the years passed like scenes of a show.

write what you know.

looking backwards might be the only way to move forward.

the tears fell in synchronicity with the score.

at last, she knew what the agony had been for.

the only thing that's left is the manuscript.

the only thing that's left is the manuscript, one last souvenir from my trip to your shores.

but the story isn't mine anymore.

[sordidmusings]

Just a life update and opening!

Brought up because of an ask wondering if I still do stuff here so I figured I'd put out some of whats goin on if anyone is interested! Also throwing it into the void of the internet feels less guilt inducing than forcing it on specific people especially after how overwhelmed folks tend to be cuz I'm bad at metering it out and not just being like 'light jokes about struggle that don't scratch the surface or say anything meaningful' and 'here is all the dark lore' 💀 It's also been a struggle because there really does sometimes feel like theres a whole ass language barrier within your own language when you're AuDHD.

I do still do headcanons and write and draw and yada yada there’s just been quite a bit happening and I’m doing poorly at keeping up with life maintenance let alone things I enjoy 🥴 with writing especially in my hobbies I find myself discouraged in what feels like poor quality of my writing and seeing that reflected back to me because I am Weak 💀 general overview of some of the bigger problems below the cut if you’re interested but I won’t bother y’all with the whole picture! Will be more a summary/overview/alluding to things over getting into gory details. Basically a lot will be covered but I won’t force anything below the broad strokes on y'all.

The end is an ask for people to please reach out if they are struggling so please take that seriously. I offer a space with me but please find wherever in this world you are at least somewhat comfortable and have someone be there with you while you process 🤍 I will have a header above that little piece just incase you'd like to skip to only reading that which is completely fine!

CW for mental health talks, allusions to family issues, references to rape and abuse, death by suicide, and suicidal ideation.

What's Up, Doc?

Between hospitalizations (old and new issues and unfortunate near misses 🤡), my couple jobs (the days my body ain’t tryin to give up and even some days it still is means back to the grindstone. Thank you capitalistic overlords 💀), money stresses (medical debt plus just like y'all know shit ain’t the best for most everyone rn), the spring struggle (nightmares + flashbacks get worse from seasonal + anniversaries of men not caring for consent amongst other things lmaoooo), the mental health slew (diagnosed with AuDHD and most of the big hitters besides a personality disorder), and a few other life happenings and old traumas I’m doing a terrible job at everything 🤡 most of it ain’t new so I know all the proper things to do to help for everything from years of therapy and managing the symptoms and all that but dotting my i’s and crossing my t’s hasn’t been offering any relief for a long while so I’m floundering and quite exhausted.

The health issues making everything difficult and painful ain’t helping but I’m also not being the best at taking care of some of them because Why Bother 💀 Many are issues I’ve had for years that ebb and flow in severity and I’m just tired of feeling them and having to manage them. I’m sure any of you with chronic issues understand the feeling well. Those with years and years of major depressive disorder probably also understand the frustration and exhaustion and guilt with knowing you should enjoy something, you WANT to enjoy it, but your body just can’t produce the reaction it should.

I tend to isolate because I’m managing it poorly enough that the topic tends to crop up with the closer few if they ask and that goes Badly cuz, even if they think they won’t, people get uncomfy with the topics which just makes me feel Worse from guilt and sometimes frustration from it being passed over for their comfort or lack of understanding. I am lucky enough to have more recently found one person who Gets It and a beloved soul from lovely old Jersey came back into my life so the bigger problem in that situation is me allowing myself to consistently receive support from them 🤡 One’s so sweet always telling me I can call any time and the other is of the same vein and my dumbass brain keeps being like “but that would bother them” or the usual “you deserve to get worse not get help” 🤡🤡🤡. Clown ass behavior.

Also some bad coping mechanisms make my typing and communication sloppy as hell and I’m quite ashamed of that so best hide that away while it’s going on 💀 due to insistence that it’s Fine I have forgone that instinct to what feels like very Poor Result 🥴 ah the eternal struggle between needing to be Seen to fight the sense of isolation and worthlessness but also being petrified of being perceived while imperfect. Not having any of the connections really be in person doesn’t help too much with feelings isolation because I don't really have anyone around me besides parents that have literally said "why are you making us deal with this" about the intentional near death miss 💀💀💀 my immediate world feels very much like it wants me gone in explicit and subtle ways but c'est la vie. Beggars can’t be choosers so at this point I’m likely just being ungrateful 🤡

One thing making it harder to keep trying is my folks’ years of insistence that I don’t understand my own experience and I’m just dramatic and make things up. It’s an echo of many painful experiences including a whole group intentionally playing games with my sense of reality to enable their friend’s abuse (they got unconsensual nudes from him out of it so that’s worth the price of treating someone like that right?). Such is life.

One of the new things I’m uncertain how to approach handling properly is the grief and such shifting back to the forefront from the first anniversary of my childhood brother figure being taken from us by his bipolar depression. I have known people taken by suicide before but not this close to home. My childhood wasn’t the happiest but he and his family were a bright place in it. His little sister was my best friend in the whole world through my childhood and their family treated me more like family than my own. He was the best mix of a good and bad influence in an older brother figure I could’ve wished for. He fought long and hard but exhaustion hits us all, sometimes even with proper help. What eternally pains me is knowing how helpless and scared he must have felt and even worse how absolutely alone he felt. That was his last feeling in this life. I can only hope that more than anything, whatever happens next is giving him relief, peace, and rest.

Talk on reaching out below!

On that note, if any of you experience suicidality too, my messages (or ask if you’re more comfy on anon) are always open. This is an issue that’s been in my life in many forms since I was 12, so I will not shy away from you or your thoughts. Even if shared with something uncomfortable or "ugly", I find the discomfort of sitting with someone’s pain negligible in comparison to being the one in pain so why not prioritize that person in their need? It’s also negligible under the importance of truly holding space to process those hurts and stresses instead of just simple little niceties.

I am not the best at being active but if I see any of these messages especially we will truly talk. I know how insanely isolating and disappointing it can feel when someone offers support to be nice and then shoves to the next topic or barely responds because it makes them uncomfortable. It is a bitter pill we must often swallow to forgive those who think they will help for making things worse because they have bit off more than they can chew. It is also a bitter feeling that that reaffirms to us that by our very nature, we are too much to handle and are too much to deal with for sharing our internal space and circumstance. But at the same time, all of us are simply human so who am I to malign someone for making mistakes or being imperfect? So long as someone truly wants to try, there is all the reason in the world to give them grace.

Qualifications kind of???

The one good thing that has come from a lot of the experiences that I’ve gone through is that it has forced perspective on me and forced me to learn skills in holding space, validating, and connecting to others in immense pain. No one is perfect in this skill (even therapists struggle - the number who have said they don’t know where to start untangling the traumas or who have cried at it and in turn needed comfort 💀 a strange experience I know my darling at least gets too lol) but I have found in both giving and receiving that honesty and openness is W A Y more important than being perfect.

This is something I’ve watched more people struggle with than not as life circumstances has not made it so that they must learn the skill at the same time that there are resources to learn it, so I may make more posts with advice for it than the bit I go through here. I’m not a licensed therapist so this isn’t going to be a clinical breakdown of how to be someone’s therapist but I would consider my experience as a confidant, consistent reading up on psychological and related sociological research, and experience going through various forms of therapy worthy of giving solid advice. Unfortunately, co-morbidities and resistant brain chemistry really make using the skills on myself Difficult 💀 but as brief examples of experience for validity speaking on this, I’ve been to a lot of group therapy where licensed therapists literally coach you on this, guided a safe space/group for SA survivors in college, coached friends who couldn’t afford therapy through suicidality or abusive situations, and coached survivors through feelings and decisions when deciding whether or not to charge or going through the process of charging their abuser. All of which is much easier to be effective to people you know irl but the support online can be nothing to snub your nose at either. None of this is to say I'm perfect or exceptional - neither is true - just that I’ve had circumstances and experiences that afford me a bit of extra knowledge in this.

In the vast majority of cases, someone who is struggling and coming to you for help wants you to be there - your thoughts, your feelings, your perspective. They don’t want someone sitting uncomfortably and saying the occasional “sorry” they want engagement because more than anything they don’t want to be alone. In a basic example, if you find yourself freezing when someone comes to you with something you don’t know how to handle, instead of saying nothing or only short cliches due to fear of making a mistake, be honest about that. “I’m not sure what to say right now to be honest because that’s so much to deal with. I can’t imagine having to live with that all the time. Is there anything in it frustrating you the most or that you’re having the most difficulty tackling?”. This is active listening and engagement. You are being honest with where you are at so they aren’t guessing what you’re thinking, you are showing that you see how overwhelming the situation is, especially for the person who has to live with it. If you can’t handle a conversation where these issues exist, how do you think it feels to live with them day in and day out, sometimes for years or the majority of a life?

Asking questions is SUPER important too. Trust the other person to only share what they are comfortable with and don’t assume all questions are bad. Asking questions is one of the truest and simplest ways to show you care because why would you want to know more if you don’t give a shit? Asking questions is also very helpful and one of the reasons talking to others about your issues is important - it gives the person struggling something to react to and give perspective. It helps them process the issue in ways they won’t be able to do by themselves. This may make the process sound slightly manufactured but I promise it’s not, especially as it becomes second nature to know what thing to use when. Communication is a skill so advice around it will inherently make it sound more clinical than the actual process is.

People are also not a monolith so while this type of being there works for the vast majority some people may not like it. That is also where communication comes in - check in with the person on if this is helping and what isn't helpful. Make sure to adjust when you make a mistake.

Conclusion

I’m happy to hold space for other issues as well. I’m no replacement for a therapist but I’ve been a helpful supplement to many people I knew struggling throughout the years so I’m at least okay at that! Since I’m doing pretty bad functionally right now the help won’t be as consistent as I wish but I will give whatever is in my power just like these things deserve. I hope to get better soon so that I can properly offer a stronger foundation of support outward again 🤍

[perspectivestarters]

Perspective's Sentence Starters; The Tortured Poets Department by Taylor Swift (Part III)

THE BLACK DOG

You forgot to turn it off.

I just don't understand how you don't miss me.

She's too young to know this song.

Old habits die screaming.

I move through the world with a heart broken.

I may never open up thе way I did for you.

You said I needed a bravе man.

Do you hate me?

Was it hazing for a cruel fraternity?

I pledged, and I still mean it.

Six weeks of breathing clean air, I still miss the smoke.

Were you making fun of me?

Now I wanna sell my house.

I hope you hear it.

I hope it's shitty in The Black Dog

This tail between your legs, you're leaving.

I still can't believe it.

IMGONNAGETYOUBACK

The one that fits me like skin.

You knew the price going in.

I can tell when somebody still wants me.

Once you fix your face, I'm going in.

Whether I'm gonna be your wife, or gonna smash up your bike, I haven't decided yet.

I'm gonna get you back.

Whether I'm gonna curse you out, or take you back to my house, I haven't decidеd yet.

You'll find that you were never not mine.

You're mine.

Small talk, big walk, act like I don't care what you did.

I'm an Aston Martin that you steered straight into the ditch.

I can take the upper hand and touch your body.

I might just love you 'til the end.

Whether I'm gonna flip you off, or pull you into the closet, I haven't decided yet.

I can feel it coming, honey, in the way you move.

We're becoming something new.

Say you got somebody else.

I got someone too

Even if it's handcuffed, I'm leaving here with you.

Bygones will be bygone.

Pick your poison, babe, I'm poison either way.

THE ALBATROSS

Wild winds are death to the candle.

A rose by any other name is a scandal.

They tried to warn him about her.

Cross your thoughtless heart.

She's the albatross.

She is here to destroy you.

One bad seed kills the garden.

One less temptress, one less dagger to sharpen.

Locked me up in towers, but I'd visit in your dreams.

They tried to warn you about me.

Devils that you know raise worse hell than a stranger.

She's the death you chose.

You're in terrible danger.

I've been there too, and that none of it matters

Wise men once read fake news and they believed it.

You couldn't conceive it.

You were sleeping soundly when they dragged you from your bed.

I tried to warn you about them.

I'm the albatross.

I swept in at the rescue.

The devil that you know looks now more like an angel.

I'm the life you chose.

CHLOE OR SAM OR SOPHIA OR MARCUS

I just watched it happen

Seemed like he would've bullied you in school.

You just watched it happen.

I loved you the way that you were.

If you want to tear my world apart, just say you've always wondered.

You said some things that I can't unabsorb.

You turned me into an idea of sorts.

You needed me, but you needed drugs more.

I couldn't watch it happen.

I changed into goddesses, villains, and fools.

Changed plans and lovers and outfits and rules all to outrun my desertion of you.

Too impaired by my youth to know what to do.

Will that make your memory fade from this scarlet maroon?

Could it be enough to just float in your orbit?

Can we watch our phantoms like watching wild horses?

Cooler in theory, but not if you force it.

HOW DID IT END?

We hereby conduct this post-mortem.

He was a hot house flower to my outdoorsmen.

We could not cure them.

A touch that was my birth right became foreign.

It's happening again.

We'll tell no-one.

We must know, how did it end?

We were blind to unforeseen circumstances.

We learn the right steps to diffеrent dances.

Lost the game of chance, what are the chances?

Guess who we ran into at the shops?

Didn't you hear? They called it all off.

How did it end?

The deflation of our dreaming leaving me bereft and reeling.

But I still don't know, how did it end?

SO HIGH SCHOOL

I feel so high school every time I look at you.

I wanna find you in a crowd just to hide from you.

Tell me 'bout the first time you saw me.

I'll drink what you think.

I'm high from smoking your jokes all damn night.

Your friends are around, so be quiet.

I'm trying to stifle my sighs.

I feel so high school every time I look at you.

Are you gonna marry, kiss, or kill me?

It's just a game, but really.

I'm bettin' on all three for us two.

No one's evеr had me, not like you.

Touch me while your bros play Grand Theft Auto.

It's true, swear, scouts honor.

You knew what you wanted, and, boy, you got her.

You already know, babe.

I'm hearing voices like a madman.

I HATE IT HERE

Tell me something awful.

You are a poet trapped inside the body of a finance guy.

Tell me all your secrets.

All you'll ever be is my eternal consolation prize.

I was a debutant in another life, but now I seem to be scared to go outside.

If comfort is a construct, I don't believe in good luck.

Now that I know what's what.

I hate it here.

People need a key to get to.

The only one is mine.

I read about it in a book when I was a precocious child.

I'm there most of the year.

My friends used to play a game where we would pick a decade we wished we could live in instead of this.

Everyone would look down 'cause it wasn't fun now.

Seems like it was never even fun back then.

Nostalgia is a mind's trick.

If I'd been there, I'd hate it.

It was freezing in the palace.

They found a better planet.

Only the gentle survived.

I dreamed about it in the dark.

I felt like I might die.

I'm lonely, but I'm good.

I'm bitter, but I swear I'm fine.

I'll save all my romanticism for my inner life and I'll get lost on purpose.

This place made me feel worthless.

In my fantasies, I rise above it.

Way up there, I actually love it.

THANK YOU AIMEE

There's a bronze spray-tanned statue of you.

It was always the same searing pain.

All that time you were throwin' punches, I was buildin' somethin'.

I can't forgive the way you made me feel.

I can't forget the way you made me heal.

It wasn't a fair fight, or a clean kill.

She wrote hеadlines in the local paper, laughing at each baby step I'd take.

Everyone knows that my mother is a saintly woman, but she used to say she wished that you were dead.

Your words are still just ringing in my head.

When I count the scars, there's a moment of truth, that there wouldn't be this, if there hadn't been you.

Maybe you've reframed it.

In your mind, you never beat my spirit black and blue.

I don't think you've changed much.

I changed your name, and any real defining clues.

One day, your kid comes home singin' a song that only us two is gonna know is about you.

All that time you were throwin' punches, it was all for nothin'.

Our town, it looks so small, from way up here.

[bookished]

( a collection of villain x hero sentence starters. adjust phrasing as necessary.) feel free to make edits to better suit your muse, but please don’t edit or add on to the original post ♡

“You call yourself hero, but you are a shadow of what you were. I called you family… yet your pride and lust for glory overshadowed your morality and virtue. Now you call me enemy with no other reason than that I stood in your way. So come on, hero! Finish your path to the throne!”

"You haven't even listened to my side of the story yet. Shall I tell you, hm?"

“Since you hate heroes... i'll become the one you’ll hate the most.”

“One more dance?” “One last dance.”

“Ah. How fun to be a liar.” “I guess that makes two of us.”

“But, why not use that power to do good?” “My dear. To do good in a world that thrives on being bad would be a terrible waste.”

“What are you doing here?” “Thought I’d join the most alluring lady in the room for a dance.” “You tried to kill me!” “Please. I’d do no such thing.” “Really? Then, care to explain when you-” His left hand had found the small of her back, just low enough to make her breath hitch and any accusations towards him die in her throat. Silence. “Hm?” He was smirking.

“You see those guards stationed at the gate? They’ve been ordered to not let you leave this room alive. I thought we’d change that.”

“In my right breast pocket is a dagger. You will take it and use it on the guard. Do you understand me?”

“I will kill every single person in this ballroom while letting your father watch, and then I’ll kill him too. No one will ever hurt you.” A pause. “Ever.”

“I always thought this dress would look better in red. Bloody red.”

“She might be mad at me for the rest of her life, but at the end of the day, I'd be the one to keep her alive.”

“To breathe or die, dance and fight, these are the concepts that run with love and war.” “Are you always this poetic?” “Not always. Only when I’m trying to woo you, my dear.”

“Was this just a ploy for me to fall for you?” “Is it working?”

“You died.” “Oh, I missed you too.”

“We shouldn't be doing this.” “Yet here we are, doing this.” “But it's not right...” “Yet you're enjoying it.”

“You know the expression, right?” “A date with destiny...” “A dance with death.”

“I’m so glad that the lack of invitation didn’t deter you from attending. What drew you to it? The opportunity of spilling blood? The publicity of assassinating the king at the most public ball of the year? Or was it to have a fair little chat with the guards?” “What do you deduce, princess? From the scene before you? Would you still say that I am the villain?”

Your old friend turned enemy joins you in a dance after recognizing you, saying, “you have always liked red.”

“Remind me again, my love; which one of us do they believe is the hero and which is the villain?” “I’m afraid I’m not quite sure, dearest. The veil between those worlds grows thinner as we grow closer. Just hold me for this one last dance and promise me that when it’s all over that you’ll never forget the way we felt in each other’s arms…”

“I’ve been waiting for this moment,” he breathed against her skin. He twirled the knife in his hand and pressed it to her pulse. She did not beg him to stop or scream at his betrayal.

“My sweet, I do not want to destroy the world. I merely want you to stop wasting such a beautiful mind, body and soul trying to save it.”

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Love your work, especially God of the Machine and Painting Red Madonnas, and I was just wondering if there were any scenes you wanted to put in that just wouldn't work with any of your pieces. I think I remember you wrote once in your advice for writing that you found yourself treading old ground a couple times, and though my own personal response to that is the whole 'holy shit, two cakes!' spiel, I can understand getting bored making the same cake twice. But also, life is short, and always getting shorter, so I'm asking for whatever crumbs that might both exist and that you're willing to spare. Side note, I'm hearing John Waite's Missing You every time I think about where you left off in The Art of Being Sisyphus. Love the school uniform in The Heart of the World.

Thank you, anon! Glad you like my work so much. And glad the terrible school uniform in The Heart of the World gets love.

And I wouldn't say it's boredom in treading the same path twice, it's more--

I've said what I've said already, I've made my point somewhere else and probably made it better than trying to make it again. Writing what is ultimately the same story is just copying myself, but likely doing a worse job than I did in the first place. I'd find myself paraphrasing what I've already said, working in circles not to quote myself exactly.

As for if I have any of these unpublished treasures lying around, sadly not really.

There's a lot of deleted/not posted stuff for Man Who Would Be King, written with @therealvinelle, but the thing is we didn't post it/it ended up sacked because it just wasn't what we needed/wasn't good enough. This is an odd thing for me to say but it's not really worth posting anywhere because what we did post was better. You've seen the better fic, it's what ended up on the internet.

There's also a lot of things I've written in fics, chapters here and there, where I go "god, this was a bad chapter" and just have to wince every time I read it. Since you mentioned Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus, the Dobby chapter is one I deeply regret and one @therealvinelle gives me constant, deserved, shit over. It was a truly awful chapter.

Otherwise, for the fics you mention--if I didn't post something, or had to rewrite something, it ended up deleted. I didn't save half-written chapters or have extra things lying around, so I sadly don't have anything on hand either.

I'd say the closest you'll get is the stuff here on tumblr. There's a lot of headcanons or "what would happen" or that sort of thing that ultimately aren't interesting or fleshed enough out to become their own fics.

[aotopmha]

I think FF16's ending specifically is going to be living in my head rent free for a while, so I'm just going to spell it all out and dissect it to process it a little better.

(Spoilers.)

I'd love to start a conversation about it and welcome feedback on whether I missed something around it.

- At first, during the battle with Ultima, Joshua dies and his powers completely transfer to Clive. We assume Joshua is dead for good.

- After defeating Ultima, Clive absorbs Ultima, but the final crystal is still standing.

‐ Clive remembers his moments with Joshua, as he is holding his dead body and it looks like his powers work on him because of his love. So we presume Joshua lives.

- Clive destroys the crystal with all of his strength.

- We see Clive washed up on the shore, turning into crystal and presumably breathing his last breath. He saved everyone at the cost of his life because even he couldn't truly contain Ultima.

- This is underlined by the red star fading from the sky. Jill is heartbroken, but a new symbolic dawn rises on Valisthea and Edda's child can be born into a free world. Clive's sacrifice wasn't for nothing. Nor was Cid's or anyone else's and Jill smiles.

- Final scene is of children in a world without magic, where the Eikons are myth. We see a book authored by Joshua presumably about Clive's story, implying he survived to write it.

Ways in which I think people might dislike it:

- It's an ending where the main couple, who we grew to love across the story, does not get together. It gives Valisthea an happy ending, fulfills the most selfless wish of all that Clive made, but Clive, Joshua and Jill do not get their personal wishes. After so much suffering for them, this might seem really cruel and unsatisfying.

- Although the central struggle the story started with was about surviving and living through loss and pain, Clive conviniently gains the power to bring Joshua back. This might seem really cheap and feel like it is undermining his character arc that had so much effort put into it because it "undoes" Joshua's death, the reason for his character arc taking place in the first place, even if Clive dies and is not there to reunite with Joshua. (<----- This one's the issue I have.)

Reasons to like the ending:

- Clive saves everyone, but most of all, Valisthea. What everyone was fighting for in the first place.

(<----- This is my favourite part of the ending. Even if it is not happy for the individual characters, it is a happy one for the people. The old system is gone and everyone is free. In the post-credits scene we see Valisthea covered in plantlife and children running around, implying the lands recovered.)

- Joshua lived to record Clive's story and it lived on in myth in turn. Clive died, but he is forever remembered. His or anyone else's struggle wasn't for nothing or forgotten.

Spelling it out like this actually does make me like the ending a bit more.

But I do think this kind of ending is super ripe for unnecessary retcons and sequels.

I think bringing Clive back, for example, wouldn't sit well with me because while it would be great to see him and the others be happy, I think it, once again, would lessen the point about walking on and having hope despite experiencing suffering.

It would feel like all of the struggle meticulously built-up over all of these hours would be solved by a snap of the finger and not actual earned character development. Personally I also don't like characters just randomly being okay because I think it's terrible thematic writing – death exists and I don't agree with burying this truth.

If you're going to kill a character, do it or don't and immediately directly show us, especially at the end of the story.

What *I* think would be great is a DLC where Jill and Joshua work through their loss and find new happiness. I think one of the reasons why some feel betrayed is because we just see Jill and Torgal lose Clive and not much else about them.

So instead of thinking about how the goal of saving Valisthea actually came true and all of the crystals are gone, people focus on Jill and Clive not getting to live together.

Basically undoing any kind of death in a story about perseverence through hardship rubs me the wrong way.

FF14 sort of did something like this, but told me in a very clear way it was going to be a fakeout and the point of the story wasn't the death.

16 is so unambigious about Clive's death tying into the themes of the story.

The great thing about this is that I find what I like and dislike about this story interesting. It's a lot more interesting when this is the case. Stories with boring flaws aren't nearly as fun to dissect.

[definitively-different-drivel]

WIP Wednesday game

Yo! I was tagged by @whimsicalmeerkat and @dear-massacre I'd tag folks but I suspect they've all been tagged already. It's also a bit late, so I'll just get on with it. Here's a bit of my latest brain worm that I put some words in on this week. Fair warning, it's full rough draft, no real editing done. Premise is that Stiles finds himself slipping into alternate realities and quickly realizes something's gone terribly wrong with his magic. Anyway, here's some of what I have so far on Falling out of Rhythm:

It started out innocuously enough.

Stiles had a dream. Any other dream and he'd be concerned at just how real it felt, but this?

He sat up in a warm, dark room, scattered with pictures of Derek and Stiles, of pack both known and lost and living. A warm, gravely voice spoke from the bed as Stiles' hand rested on the doorknob. "Stiles?"

"Derek?"

He heard Derek roll towards the door. "You'll wake the family. Come back."

Stiles chewed his lip. "But-"

"You really want to face my mom?"

Stiles hesitated; he shook his head. Everything felt fuzzy, muted. He could hear Derek shift, waking in his concern. "Sorry, had a weird dream."

It wasn't a lie. This was definitely a weird dream, but he didn't want it to end, not with Derek's arms wrapped around him beneath ungodly soft blankets as the crescent moon peeked over the horizon, casting eerie tones across the sleep-rumpled bedding.

He couldn't help it. Sleep took him, depositing him back in his own bed with Stiles none the wiser.

It went on like that for a while. Stiles came to enjoy the prospect of sleep. It didn't get too awkward even though you'd think it would, catching dream-glimpses of lives that weren't his own, but Derek was always there.

Things weren't perfect in all of them. They weren't perfect in most of them. Plenty of the strangely vivid dreams showed evidence of tragic pasts, like the dreams that saw them sitting on the steps of the Hale mansion, silently sitting before the wreckage of Derek's family.

Others, though, saw glimpses he grew to love.

His favorite glimpses were those with his mom, as much as it hurt. She seemed so vibrant and alive, so thoroughly her that he couldn't help blending into the play, pretending the dream were true.

He really should have known better.

Light streamed through the windows as his dad sat at the table, sipping coffee as he surveyed files from the station. Stiles set a pate at his elbow, earning a look from his dad.

"Eggwhites, Stiles, really?" "No heart attacks on my watch, old man." He settled into his seat. He almost missed the covert fork that snatched a bit of Stiles' double-yolked monstrosity. "Hey!"

They fell into easy bickering as Stiles sought for supremacy in a mock-battle over delicious, terrible yolky forbiddenness.

One moment, he was denying his dad artery-clogging danger, the next, he was perched atop a picnic table overlooking the most spectacular view of his life. Fading rays of light painted the sunset brilliant shades of purple and blue as they reflected off endless waves.

It took his breath away.

He found himself leaning against a warm, strong frame; fingers traced through his hair. He closed his eyes, resisting the urge to count fingers. His heart ticked up; he rationalized. This had to be a dream. Maybe he'd developed narcolepsy? He didn't want to go, didn't want to acknowledge that this wasn't-

The fingers stopped. Derek made a noise of concern.

"I'm alright." He wasn't. Derek tensed. He corrected himself, "Or, I will be."

"You sure?"

Stiles leaned into the touch. It occurred to him, in a vague sort of way, that he should be freaking out, but everything felt so fucking right. He sat there, curled against Derek until he flicked back into his own reality.

It was the most natural thing in the world.

The sunset blinked out; he was staring down through misty eyes at a photo album as his dad fretted.

"Stiles?" His mouth went dry. "I think I need to talk to Deaton."

[mcflymemes]

NO STRINGS ATTACHED PROMPTS *  assorted dialogue from the 2011 film

i'm warning you. if you take one step closer, i'm never letting you go.

so what's up with not calling me back?

it's perfect. will you read it for me?

did you think we had sex? we did not have sex!

i know it's over.

are you having sex?

that is a terrible, self-destructive plan, and i'm behind you a hundred percent.

when we met, you weren't wearing pants.

can we not tell everyone?

how long have you two been together?

what i need is someone who's gonna be in my bed at 2AM who i don't have to lie to or eat breakfast with.

yup, i'm definitely gay.

look, i'm not really an affectionate person.

go on a date with me.

you are such an overachiever.

look at my face.

we're sex friends. friends with benefits. fuck buddies.

i can't keep doing this. i'm not gonna see you again.

look, i know i'm supposed to want to be in a relationship, but i just end up with a broken heart and a bunch of their old t-shirts.

if we were in a relationship, i would become a weird scary version of myself. my throat starts constricting. the walls start throbbing. it's like a peanut allergy, like an emotional peanut allergy.

hey, someone call charlie brown! we found the great pumpkin!

don't make fun of me!

i'm gonna call everyone in my phone until someone agrees to have sex with me.

i'm pretty good at archery.

let's smoke some weed.

i sprained my wrist punching a wall.

i'm not good at this stuff.

the box of fifty donut holes is $5.79. you're gonna need two boxes.

we fell asleep and we were spooning.

try to stay away from women who want to fuck you.

that was really mean.

don't do that. don't just disappear like that on me.

how much money do you have on you?

do you wanna do this?

well, i can't date you either.

you're very talented, but fuck you!

i guess i wanted to hear your voice.

i want you to know that i respect you.

you shouldn't listen to me.

thank you for what you did back at the restaurant.

do you want to get out of here?

it's not really possible.

you left your socks in my room.

if you're lucky, you're never gonna see me again.

congrats? for what? having sex with you?

i'm so sorry. i love you.

hey, you can't call me and tell me that you miss me.

if you really miss me, you need to grow up and get in your car and come and see me.

people aren't meant to be together forever.

i don't want to freak you out, but i'd love to hang out with you in the daytime sometime.

i thought you just said it.

i'm going to start peeing with the door open. it's going to get weird.

i can't focus on my porn with all this real sex going on around me!

i don't want to have that conversation on the phone.

we don't get to pick who we fall in love with, and it doesn't happen like it should.

we didn't break up. we never started.

you did a good job, so i thought you deserved a balloon.

you make my heart skip a beat.

yeah, i could do that.

can i say something? and don't take this the wrong way because you know i'll be your friend no matter what.

okay, where's that?

oh, by the way, it's the best sex of my life.

are you still there?

i made you a valentine's day card.

i'm assuming that's a good thing.

things were getting too intense so we decided not to see each other until we hook up with other people.

that's really sweet.

you always do this. you always find something wrong with everybody who likes you.

we were spooning with our clothes on which is like. ten times worse.

we are getting laid tonight!

is this about me not having a date?

god, i am single as fuck.

i understand what's going on.

you have to come with me.

i can't stop thinking about them.

this isn't really my place.

i'm telling you to be hurt. i can take it. the world can take it.

sometimes my neck gets sore because my brain is so big.

get in your car and drive away.

i know this is random. i just... um. i miss you. i miss you so much.

i don't know what to say.

you're fucking my ex-girlfriend?

i'm not gonna meet your parents.

don't list me as your emergency contact. i won't come.

you know i worry about you sometimes.

i think monogamy goes against our basic biology.

i just worked fourteen hours.

no one threw up on me today.

that was such a fail on my part.

if i catch you taking pictures of your dick one more time, i'm taking that thing away.

watch and learn.

you want to go with me to this stupid thing?

did i just pass out on your couch?

did you look at it?

oh my god, i love you so much.

[libraryofjoy]

Books I read in December 2023

Assyria by Eckart Frahm. Nonfiction. I realized that I didn't actually know all that much about Assyria, so this was a helpful find! It was fun to have the familiarity of a Hebrew Bible reference now and then.

The Apology by Jimin Han. Fiction. This book follows a 110-year-old Korean woman in the days after her death as she tries to prevent a disaster caused by a terrible secret she's kept for decades. For how heartwrenching this book could be, it was also incredibly funny! The narrator character is really interesting and made this book enjoyable. Content warning: familial trauma, war, unplanned pregnancy, incest.

The Scarlet Alchemist by Kylie Lee Baker. Fiction. A multiracial necromancer seeks to pass an imperial alchemy exam in a reimagined Tang-dynasty fantasy setting. I really enjoyed the necromancy/alchemy in this book. Other elements of the plot felt messier. The ending felt very sudden, shocking, and not quite complete. But I did find it enjoyable enough that I'd probably read a sequel. Content warnings: murder, gore, body horror.

The Bible With and Without Jesus by Amy-Jill Levine and Marc Zvi Brettler. Nonfiction. This book was just excellent. The two authors are Jewish biblical scholars: Amy-Jill Levine does New Testament, and Marc Zvi Brettler Hebrew Bible*. They discuss key passages and their interpretations from Jewish & Christian communities, and also offer some historical-critical insight. One issue I've wrestled with as a deconstructing Christian (who is still trying to remain a Christian) is how to approach messianic prophecy in an authentically Christian way while also respecting Jewish interpretations of the same passages which might conceptualize a messiah very differently, or might not even read the passage in question as messianic at all. This book gave me some helpful perspective for that.

*"Hebrew Bible" is, like "Old Testament", an imperfect term. This book has useful discussion of the flaws and merits of these and other terms for this body of literature.

The Anchoress by Robyn Cadwallader. Fiction. A young woman makes vows to take on the vocation of an anchoress, separating herself from the world to live a life of penitence and prayer. But even locked in a small dwelling, only seeing her maids, her confessor priest, and villagers requesting prayer, she finds that her world is still very insistently present. I found the concept of an anchoress's life fascinating but not very plot-rich, but this book pleasantly surprised me! I also appreciated how this book portrays celibate characters. Content warning: sexual assault, domestic abuse, pregnancy, hallucination, Christian mystic eroticism.

Religion and the Rise of Capitalism by Benjamin M. Friedman. Nonfiction. This book traces the religious influences (mostly Protestantism) on influential writers and doers-of-business from Adam Smith to recent years. I did listen to this at 2.7x speed while dazing off on my plane ride home, so I wouldn't be surprised if I missed a lot of it. But what I heard of it seemed worth reading!

Fiction:3

Nonfiction:3

Total fiction this year: 50

Total nonfiction this year:50

Total books this year: 100

And that's a wrap! I'm planning to post a full list of all this year's books tomorrow. I've really enjoyed this series, and it definitely motivated me to get through more material, which has been great for my mental health. I'm planning to keep posting updates about what I read next year, with some adjustments to target the books my current arrangement deprioritized.

[icanbeyourgenie]

"Curses are tricky, and especially a curse from the gods. I can't undo it. But what I can do is give you more time. Would you like that?" - Ursula to Anastasia

“What do you mean?”

Anastasia asked, as Achilles' hand closed up on hers. He would've dragged her out of there if she didn't hold her ground so firmly. He didn't want them to come, but she made it clear that she'd go with or without him, and didn't they always follow the each other? Even at the end of the world?

Anastasia was tired, and she knew they were on borrowed time. She felt the urge to kill Achilles tonight. But then her heart failed her again. It had always been very weak, but sometimes it felt like it gave up on life altogether. On those times, she felt it slow down and then she felt her muscle give up, deprived of the oxygen they so desperatly needed. She had wondered: if she died then, would the curse be broken? With no one to kill Achilles, would he be free?

She knew that he wouldn't be. The gods were too cruel, too proud, they'd find another way. So when Achilles reanimated her, something clicked.

She begged the gods again and again, but they always ignored her. So she remembered what the crazy but sweet old lady that sometimes fed them at the circus use to say:

'The old gods may be great, but they are neither kind nor merciful. They are fickle, unsteady as moonlight on water, or shadows in a storm. If you insist on calling them, take heed: be careful what you ask for, be willing to pay the price. And no matter how desperate or dire, never pray to the gods that answer after dark.'

But she didn't talk only about gods, did she? She talked about demons. They were the ones who answered after dark. So Nastya thought: if the gods have given up on us, why not give up on them too? Why not try with the darkness? At least it might answer.

Rumors were the path to the truth, she always said. And rumors talked about a woman who could grant them anything, for a price. It's this very woman she sought. Hearing her say she couldn't break the curse almost broke her heart again, but she wasn't ready to lose hope just yet.

“I mean giving you more time.” Ursula deadpanned. “It's pretty self-explanatory. As things currently are, when he remembers everything you only have a few days before the instinct to kill overcomes you. I propose to give you more time.”

Anastasia chilled at how the Sea Witch appeared to know details she didn't reveal about their curse. Achilles came closer to her, and she felt a bit braver.

“How many time?”

“Months, at least. Maybe even a year. It'll depend. The urge to kill will come back, and you will never know when it'll strike, but you'll both have time before it happens.”

“Can you... really do that?”

“For a price.”

“You mean my soul? When I'll die?”

Ursula smiled, but there was not a single trace of joy or love in that smile. Only greed. “You'd give your soul away for that boy?”

“Yes.” “NO!”

Nastya and Ash both answered at the same time. Achilles pulled Anastasia away and started whispering only for her to hear - but he knew Ursula heard all the same. “You can't do this! This is a terrible idea.”

“I'd do worse for you and you know that.”

“I refuse! You can't give your soul away for me. That's.... that's evil...”

“NO, what's evil is having to kill you everytime! Having to burry you and then having to live like a part of me wasn't missing, knowing that when I'll see you again, I'll kill you again! What's evil is what the gods did to us, and them being unpunished! Always the ones who win!”

Anastasia knew that if she was a better person, she would've made a deal to stop killing people, to stop the lycan curse or at least control it. She hated killing, but she loved Achilles more. And she wasn't ashamed of that. What she was ashamed of was the urge to kill him that was rising in her again. She could feel it at this very moment. It brought tears to her eyes and Achilles understood.

Ursula, however, rolled her eyes. “Tears are unnecessary. You love him, you'd do anything for him, we get it.”

“What do you know about love?”

“My dear child, love is my business.” She smiled that fake smile again. She was right though. Love could make people do desperate things, like sell their soul away. “Now come and answer me. I don't want your soul. I want that.”

She pointed at Anastasia's dagger. Helen's dagger, actually. The one Aphrodite gave her after she was cursed. A way to say 'Sorry I let my crazy father ruin your life. Here, a pretty knife to dry your tears.' She hated that dagger from the first day, but everytime she tried to get rid of it, it came back to her.

“... What would you do with that?”

“None of your business. Do we have a deal or not?”

Anastasia felt like it was a trap. More time and the opportunity to get rid of that damn dagger? She looked at Achilles, who was still wary. She wanted him dead now, so there was clearly no time to think.

“Deal.”

“Tya wait.”

But she was already giving the demon her dagger. She felt something shake in her. An unpleasant burn. Then... Nothing.

She looked around her and Ursula was gone, but Achilles was looking at her, so worried he seemed to run out of funny remarks. What a shame, she always loved his jokes.

“Are you.... okay?” He asked, clearly not knowing what you were supposed to say to your best friend who just made a deal with a demon.

“Achilles...” She whispered, and it worried him even more. She never used his full name. Not unless she was really mad at him. But right now, she was smiling. “I don't want to kill you anymore.”

[mariana-oconnor]

Wisteria Lodge pt 4

Last time, we left Holmes and Watson about to mount an intrepid rescue of probable inside woman and possibly dead Miss Burnett, who at 40 years old is apparently too old for love, because the Victorian era was an ageist hellscape.

I have come up with a solution by which Mr Garcia (who I have decided is a bisexual spy) and Miss Burnet are actually the good guys. But this requires the two girls to have been pre-kidnapped and so Garcia's plan would be a counter-kidnapping.

I mean, I jumped straight to kidnapping as soon as it seemed likely that the governess was involved and there were two young girls. I may have jumped the gun a bit, but weirdly the idea is sticking with me.

It was not, I must confess, a very alluring prospect. The old house with its atmosphere of murder, the singular and formidable inhabitants, the unknown dangers of the approach, and the fact that we were putting ourselves legally in a false position all combined to damp my ardour.

Psh, I bet they didn't damp Mr Garcia's ardour.

Yeah, that was a cheap shot, but seriously Watson, come on. Screw your courage to the sticking place and all that.

But it was not destined that our investigation should have so adventurous an ending.

...well that's anticlimactic. I was all geared up for a rescue mission! What am I going to do with these grappling hooks now?

“They've gone, Mr. Holmes. They went by the last train. The lady broke away, and I've got her in a cab downstairs.”

Did they go because of Holmes' investigation of the house or did they go because of whatever Mr Baynes' mysterious cunning plan is?

"I shan't forget the face at the carriage window as I led her away. I'd have a short life if he had his way—the black-eyed, scowling, yellow devil.”

A lot of 'devil' faces in windows this time around. And all on ethnic minorities as far as I can tell. Racist Victorian tropes, my beloathed.

Good for Miss Burnet for fighting back even when she's been drugged up to the gills on opium. I really hope she wasn't planning a kidnapping because I want to like her. And I really don't like her employer. Not drugging or whipping your employees is like the lowest bar of employer conduct to jump over. Even Violet Hunter wasn't drugged or whipped and she had a terrible work environment. I want him to be unambiguously the bad guy. Also because I want the poor cook to be acquitted.

“I was sure Henderson, as he calls himself, felt that he was suspected, and that he would lie low and make no move so long as he thought he was in any danger. I arrested the wrong man to make him believe that our eyes were off him. I knew he would be likely to clear off then and give us a chance of getting at Miss Burnet.”

OK, fine. You were right, but fuck you for arresting and attacking an innocent man. Poor show. Dick move. Be better.

(is that the first gif I've posted from an actual Sherlock Holmes media for one of these liveblogs? I think it might be...)

"We can't arrest without her evidence, that is clear, so the sooner we get a statement the better.”

Read this as 'her without' rather than 'without her' and was confused about what was going on, as she seems pretty innocent of the murder. But then I reread and realised that I once again fail at reading comprehension. Not like I have a degree in it or literally work in a related field or anything.

“Henderson,” the inspector answered, “is Don Murillo, once called the Tiger of San Pedro.”

Who the fuck is that?

OK, Watson's going to become Captain Exposition for a minute, great. Gimme some backstory, bay-beeee.

Oh... Is San Pedro a fake country? Did ACD make up a fake country for this story so he couldn't be accused of being rude about a specific country? Or do I just not know history?

Central America, okay, not the Caribbean, but right ballpark.

The dictator, his two children, his secretary, and his wealth had all escaped them. From that moment he had vanished from the world, and his identity had been a frequent subject for comment in the European press.

I feel... I feel like if this had been real information and a real country I would have worked this out? Like if I had known there was a mysteriously missing dictator from a formerly Spanish colony with a green and white flag, who had two children, I feel like I called every part of this except the specifics, which I couldn't have called because they're made up.

“Once already his life has been attempted, but some evil spirit shielded him. Now, again, it is the noble, chivalrous Garcia who has fallen, while the monster goes safe."

Alright, so no kidnapping, just assassination. Chivalrous, charming bi assassin Garcia is once again on the side of good and not abducting children. Pity he got his face beaten in.

"My husband—yes, my real name is Signora Victor Durando—was the San Pedro minister in London. He met me and married me there. A nobler man never lived upon earth. Unhappily, Murillo heard of his excellence, recalled him on some pretext, and had him shot. With a premonition of his fate he had refused to take me with him. His estates were confiscated, and I was left with a pittance and a broken heart."

Vengeance!

"I was to see that the doors were open and the signal of a green or white light in a window which faced the drive was to give notice if all was safe or if the attempt had better be postponed."

Light not shutters, but coolcoolcool.

"But they determined to get rid forever of Garcia. They had gagged me, and Murillo twisted my arm round until I gave him the address. I swear that he might have twisted it off had I understood what it would mean to Garcia."

How did you... not know... what it would mean to Garcia? Like, what did you think they were going to do? Have a tea party? Invite him to play his guitar at their next shindig? Have a chat about gardening? I get that you were being tortured for information, so there's no shame in giving him up, but you can't say 'well, I didn't know they would kill him.'

"This afternoon a good lunch was brought me, but the moment after I took it I knew that I had been drugged."

Also feel like maybe you should have guessed this before you ate it, after they'd been starving you for days. But you were probably out of your mind hungry and on the edge of hallucinating, so I suppose that makes sense.

It is a matter of history, however, that a little time was still to elapse before the Tiger of San Pedro should meet with his deserts. [...] Some six months afterwards the Marquess of Montalva and Signor Rulli, his secretary, were both murdered in their rooms at the Hotel Escurial at Madrid.

In the best traditions of these stories, the bad guys reach justice offscreen at the hands of unknown people. 😂

But Vengeance has been satisfied.

BUT, there is just enough time for some more racist discussion of the cook, because of course there is. And it turns out his entire inclusion as a character is completely pointless and a racist little red herring that goes nowhere and just had some extra racism piled on top for garnish. Wonderful. I hope they released him and didn't keep him in prison for assaulting a police officer/resisting arrest, because when you literally arrested him illegally for a crime you knew he didn't commit, that's bullshit.

I was right about it being a Victorian depiction of Voodoo, though, so... I get points for knowing my racist stereotypes? I feel like that's like an extra level of losing, though.

Wow this story went from gay hookup gone wrong to racist mess in two seconds flat, huh? I miss the simpler times when Mr Scott Eccles being an oblivious tory was the biggest problem.

On a happier note, Silver Blaze is next, and I remember a lot about this one just from the title, so I guess there will be no attempt to solve it, just memes for days.

ETA: That little wrap up does not tell us what happened to the children. What happened to the children? Where did they go? The little girls just disappear. Did I miss something? What happened to the children?