#It's been a long and tiring Tuesday
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in an au where there's no kira and lawlight really do just meet in college light takes L home for dinner and is like ok we both know i have endless patience with what a weird freak you are due to how much of saint i am as we both know. but please try not to be too weird of a freak when you meet my parents. L's like yes okay whatever and then spends the entire dinner with his back really overexaggeratedly straight and making excessively normal small talk about american baseball and the stock market and light's family is bemusedly enchanted but light correctly interprets this as an act of passive aggression and a declaration of war and breaks up with him dramatically over dessert and then cries in his bedroom all night while light's parents are really confused why their nice son seems so angry with his perfectly polite and normal boyfriend who thanked them so sweetly for the ice cream. and soichiro walks L to the train station and bonds with him about law and then is like light i don't know why you behaved so shockingly at dinner tonight when ryuzaki (L uses a fake name for absolutely no reason at all in this au like just to be difficult) is such a nice young man and light punches his wall
#thus is the kind kf bullshit that nirmally goes on twittr hbt as you can see it is slughtly too long#hi ! ts been such a long day. km so tired everyone#rookposting#death note#lawlight#they get back together the following tuesday btw
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me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game
#hi everyone#I’m going around hugging you all#okay now that we are gathered here today#i will simply acknowledge that i have been gone for a very long time and then also acknowledge that maybe it was for the best#i relied on sims to be my only creative activity even if i tried to write a book at the same time#and also. i prioritized sims over real life responsibilities. that’s just a deadly combination lol#but I recently noticed I just replaced sims with Netflix. with YouTube. with anything that gave me quick dopamine#literally became addicted in a sense. still am but I’ve been cut cold turkey from most everything#I get off work and go. okay I’ve done the dishes and the laundry……..I could read or write or bake….#I try to write and sometimes i get a good hour#then I read for a few hours and then get tired of it#and I made cookies Tuesday so I’m waiting for those to be gone before baking again#I’m just so pitiful that I feel BORED and don’t know what to do#so I said….. okay what if I do sims for an hour.#I downloaded some new cc Tuesday and tried to play yesterday#y’all ……………….. I can’t find the energy anymore to set up elaborate scenes and pose my sims and plan posts#I said wow… this is boring without my intervention and fake story#I said wow…….. all this for what? for tumblr? yes I created cool things and provided joy. but is that inherintly important compared to my#own joy? my own everyday activities I should be doing?#y’all I do not leave the house unless we got out to eat or shop or travel to our parents#.. I have little desire to. I’m trying to find that desire#but my husband is busy with grad school and work and I don’t want to do anything by myself#I’ve found myself in one heck of a slump#I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions#I was slacking off SO HARD at work. I just had no drive to do well#I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to get caught up. I’m still trying to force myself to move every day.#but I am struggling y’all. and I can tell you that sims… sims isn’t helping rn but I want it to so bad. I want to get back into it#I didn’t mean to disappear on everyone. I got married and then life got busy and then I fell into this hole of nothing#I didn’t even WANT to crawl my way out. but my husband has helped a lot. I feel like such a child!!!!#I reached max tags. 🙃 bye love you all. till next time
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Happy (very late) Halloween 👻👻 Made this one too smol, spare me by not zooming in haha
#i had all of the lines done before tuesday#iiiiits been a long week and i didn't have the energy to finish it#i'm a bit better now so i wanted to get this out of the way before I got tired of it again#i saw some lino stamps recently and was reminded when I had to do one in my senior year#so i tried to make the lines match that style#see the reason this is so small is because I actually started it in ms paint#and the only reason i moved back to my actual drawing program was because paint kept bugging out#huge chunks of pixels kept disappearing and some starting antialiasing for some reason#it got annoying so i moved back#aaaaand i got carried away with it#but i like how it turned out :D#deltaune#kris#ralsei#susie#halloween#or uh#hallowe'en
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is this a safe space
#///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////#////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////#i’m so alone.#last tuesday i attempted to walk in front of a speeding car and if it wasn’t for someone nearby physically restraining me at the last second#it would have worked#i don’t have any commentary on that i’ve just been. sitting with it i suppose.#yet i still wish he hadn’t been there#i’m looking for a therapist but i need one that specializes in long term CSA and that is very expensive and very hard to find#i’m. not doing well. i can’t sleep or eat. i have no passion not even for my ocs. i do nothing all day all the time.#and the time just keeps passing.#unrelated but i may have pots and in addition to dental pain and a persistent physical heartache i feel like my body is giving up too#ive worked so hard through depression since i was eleven years old and i made such amazing progress over a decade and i feel like it’s all#been undone. i’m tired. i tried to make my life beautiful and when i succeeded i really succeeded but god i don’t want to try again#anyway i don’t want to be all woe is me so i won’t. this is just another diary entry i suppose.#it’s hard to find joy on tumblr while struggling but i love you all <33#anyways.txt
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if i manage to update the halloween fic before i have to get on the airplane tomorrow everyone has to clap and cheer and leave comments on it and be SO niceys to me about it okay 🥺👉👈
#rimi talks#its been a really. really long week. and i say that with full awareness that today is tuesday#family emergencies are tiring and i am so exhausted. coping with emotions by not thinking about them and thinking about kon instead#the ''caramel frappe PLEASE'' stick figure but w ''kon-el PLEASE''. thats me this week. crying tears of blood and everything#im doing my very best to keep my brain busy and occupied with things other than Distress™ so im up to date on nanowrimo so far at least....#but im So tired like so fucking tired i cannot even overstate#so um. if i get ch2 of haunted house fic up tomorrow. ;w;
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The fucking disconnect is so real.
#theo's thoughts#Story time for the people who love reading tags bc I love sharing things in the tags#So I work at a therapeutic day school and this past school year like four school days before Thanksgiving break I was asked a question#The question was if I would be willing to step up and be a long term sub in a middle school classroom#To me this was less of a question and more of a hey we need someone to do this and you're who the assistant teacher asked for#Which cool yeah fine I'll give it a go I really like that person (the assistant teacher who asked for me) and I trust her judgement on this#I was asked and accepted on Thursday. Friday‚ Monday‚ and Tuesday happen. Then three day Thanksgiving break#When we got back from break I was the teacher and it was rough at first and it sure as hell was never easy but I enjoyed it#My formal teacher observation was my boss basically going like so I see you doing all the things and the basis is there#But it's not being followed through on because of behaviors from the most unmedicated classroom I've seen in all my years working education#And now for the summer they're changing 2/3 staff that were in the room and who even knows who the teacher will be (a new hire? Maybe?)#If there truly is a new hire coming in (fed to the wolves immediately btw what a dick move) but that new hire will be the fourth teacher#These kids have had in a year? A year and a half max. The fourth. After the only thing I've been repeatedly told by admin for months#Is that we need to be stable and consistent because we may be these kids' only reliable source of that consistency and stability?#So you're going to have me come in and tell me I've done such a great job and then tell me you're moving me to 'give me a break'#Trauma informed care my fucking ass. I hope those kids raise fucking hell over it.#The brutal satisfaction of watching your own crops burn and knowing that the invaders will starve is great and all but these are kids!#They're barely just about to be teenagers (11 at the youngest and 14 at the oldest) and this is what you're going to do to them?#Yes they can be complete assholes and are often dicks to one another but they're in our school for a fucking reason? I don't get it.#Then two hours later after being told abt the change‚ the clinical director puts me as one of the three main recipients in an email#Saying that there's going to be a new student starting in that room in the summer and the real icing on the cake?#This all happens on last day before summer break. we're out of session for two weeks now and you're just dropping these changes on us now?#God I'm so fucking tired
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My doctor messaging me at 12:30 in the morning to tell me she wants to do a telehealth visit abt the side effects I'm having with my new Lamotrigine dose (including worse insomnia than my usual insomnia, as u may have guessed lmao) is. something.
#text post#like i know why i am awake babe why are YOU awake this late#and god why do we have to do another visit#they aren't bad enough to make me stop this dose and i haven't been on the new dose long enough to let it even out#can i not just Not have to do another uncomfortable visit where even if things turn out okay after#i later feel like I'm still not being wholly trusted/treated like i know my body and how i feel#i had worse side effects restarting this med months ago and we didn't have any additional visits for that#they fucking forgot to even book me for a f/u and i had to call in and beg for one basically#and then they misbooked it for the wrong reason and with the wrong doctor#and made it out like it was my fault when i made clear i begged and told the receptionist i spoke to to book said appt#that it needed to b with my doc for the Lamotrigine and that i hadn't been told when to follow up so i was just. doing it#bc she said i needed to but then didn't say when to book it#they're trying hard and im trying to give them grace but then this shit happens and like#im tired. makes me want to go into my new doc like nah never mind im fine. don't ask me nothing and i won't bug you with anything#unless im dying or nearly dead already.#would suck beyond believe attempting to raw dog life mostly again but goddamn. im so sick of this lack of stability with my care#anyway. probably an appt next Tuesday which is great#that's the week of the weekend that i work again and the week before my bday#(a bday I'll be working now which I'm not normally irked abt but. i am a bit rn)#so cool. yeah. let's stack anxiety and fear over a medical appt on top of everything else for that week#and that's not counting that this weekend I've been tasked with buying and getting signed a v expensive and rare figure#for my mum's bf and I'm kind of terrified im gonna fuck it up#he paid for tickets to the con the figure will be sold at and that the person he wants to sign it will be at#so if i fuck this up he'll want (understandably) to be paid back asap for that#and that's money i don't fucking have rn#i really wish she had waited till the actual day proper to contact me bc i couldn't sleep before this#and now i definitely cant bc like#it's dumb. but what if she takes my med away. it isn't perfect but it works better than any other med I've tried#what if she wants me to try a new one. i cant do that and b dealing with major side effects during the intense work schedule#that'll be happening for me v soon and then into November
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sometimes I wonder if I should take a gender studies class just so I can bitch every day about how an imaginary boyfriend is often seen as a requirement for a woman to feel safe enough to have fun at a club, or the idea that an imaginary person with a fake “claim” over me has more influence over predatory men than my own voice saying “No, I’m not interested, get lost”
#venting#hnnnnng the double standard is really really making my teeth hurt recently#(in that I’m grinding my jaw at the mere thought of this particular breed of injustice)#I honestly miss going out with my friends. I miss going to bars and clubs and enjoying the night#but I wanna go with my friends and leave my boyfriend at home for once#he gets to go out and enjoy himself all the time with his friends and they never even have to deal with unwanted flirtation#meanwhile I go out in a tshirt and jeans and get fucking catcalled or flirted with just fucking getting groceries#and it’s not a narrative on beauty or anything. it’s about men’s perception of women#specifically predatory men and men who don’t realize they’re BEING predatory#perhaps it’s because I’ve been going to this fucking gamer school for far too long#and I’ve interacted with so many socially inept/incel men from there#who don’t know what no means or dont take women seriously when they do say no#or they literally cannot read between the lines of a woman politely declining their advances#‘but she was being so nice to me’ yeah bc if she wasn’t you’d either call her a bitch or try to force her anyway#anyway. I’m angry#im tired of living in fear of morons#I’m tired of not being able to go out on a Tuesday night and just walk the town with my friends#specifically my femme friends#we should be at the club!! instead we’re trying to make sure the group is like a school of fish so we’re less of a target#and like. I could talk about this on twt or reddit but. cmon. let’s be real here#MelloMoans#really does feel like we’re going backwards when it comes to gender equality and feminism#especially with the influx of the whole sigma male/high value male bullshit#I understand how it came to be I really do but that plus the whole pick me girl thing is just another toxic view of gender identity#and all it has resulted in on both sides is a wider degree of separation between the genders#therefore allowing both extremes to dehumanize every one that doesn’t identify as sigma male or not like other girls YET AGAIN#(and therefore also opens up the door for dehumanizing lgbtq+ folks but. let’s be real. that hasn’t really gone away yet :/
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recovering from a panic attack by drinking chamomille tea and reading an article on one half of my computer screen and watching a cdrama on the other (using the logic that the drama will calm me down enough to be worth the loss of time) and I really am much calmer but now I'm in grave danger of falling asleep ToT
#a sock speaks#I have two small papers due tonight but the reading for one is 95 pages long#they should've been due on Tuesday but both classes changed from their usual rhythm bc of presidents' day#I'm so tired. my anxiety has been much more under control this semester but it has a way of returning.#grad school tag
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in one of those moods where I don’t feel anything and it freaks me out
#And then I try to feel something that’s more than temporary (and fail miserably)#[is in the current belief that one of his friends (aka all of them) doesn’t like him]#[idk I feel like I’ve been of minor inconvenience to everyone I know and I’m so fucking tired I can’t]#[today is just not my day lmao. It is what it is ig? Strange optimism back again to save my ass from a good 75% of my long term issues]#[however I am now going to go cry in the shower cuz that’s like basically free therapy atp lmao]#How’d I end up ranting in brackets the fuck#Anyway yeah ignore this I’m not a Tuesday person#S.K thinks#Vent#-ish again you get the point
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Writing is occuring!
My only issue is I don't like giving supporting characters povs so they can spell out shit directly. it kinda has to be done though since using third person limited in this au has created an unreliable narrator situation with ryeji and I need to establish Ryujin's whole deal but ahhh it hurts me
#snowdd.txt#writing is hard wtf#hopefully jacket will be ready to post on tuesday 😭#tryna write a big update to make up for how long it's been but I'm also extremely tired for no reason 😭
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yeah I have more to say
#I think priest was right when he said I wanted a lot and it’s more than I can have bc I’ve taken more than I can handle#I’ve been trying to say yes to things which is all well and good but I’ve been out every night this week between hockey and friends#this week has lasted six months#and at the same time Tuesday was a few hours ago#and at all times there is so much I’m not doing.#as always it’s partially an issue of wasted time bc ive been getting up late and struggling to work in my room#but I also still haven’t recovered from the cold mentally or physically and it put me so behind#which was now two weeks ago god#somehow only two weeks#.but also two fucking weeks that’s so long#and I’m still trying to be gentle w myself but that doesn’t work but i also know I’m being too harsh on myself all the time#I don’t know what to do with any of this#I think temporarily I might stop Doing Things and just have time for me to get myself back together and slow down a bit bc it’s way too much#I think I’m just really horribly overwhelmed by everything and it’s built up to a breaking point#so this weekend I’m not gonna go out and see anyone I’m gonna stay in or go to the library and finish my work#have a goddamn cup of tea before I go to bed#I need to go to the shop and cook at some point but that can be basics for now because as much as I’d like to do the pie thing#maybe leave it until I’m more together so I’m not worried abt Extra things. I think temporary goal is to minimise the number of things#I really want to cry and just have it out but I’m teetering on the like. wanting to cry feeling instead of pushing over#this is a jump but I’m so tired of prioritising everyone else’s feelings#I realised tonight when I’m playing I’m always holding myself back a little to let other people do shit#and it’s not even like I’m holding back bc I’m good. I’m just letting other people do stuff bc I think they deserve it more#and when we had Shit happen I took on talking everyone down and making sure they were all okay#and then that whole weekend after I was completely fucked I couldn’t Do Anything#even with ms main character I’ve been stroking her ego do she doesn’t blow up completely and fuck stuff up for Everyone#maybe. just maybe my feelings are also important and I’m allowed to have shit not be my problem like everyone else#I think I’m going to bed it’s 2:40#I’m gonna try prioritise myself just a little tiny bit more#luke.txt
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#whew you know when you've been Going for a while and then you get a break and you're still tired but you're also so so jittery#S WHERE IM AT OHHH MY GOD#luxury problem and it's totally fine but i am crawling up the walls my friends#also update time ig!! took my family to the autism group meeting thing on tuesday bc it was a meeting esp for that#and they kept throwing me glances throughout the info part like lol it's you JDFHJDFH it was v interesting#bc throughout it all it's like... here i have info about autism and here i have my 25 years lived experience without thinking i had autism#and since i wasn't diagnosed as a kid i wasn't as ~obvious about it and i find it hard to reconcile examples with myself if they#don't fit 100% (it's . the autism) so anyways it was v helpful!!!#and my mum was like ah yeah i always had moments where i thought so?? but then it didn't fit the cold white boy stereotype bc i#am empathetic and i have humour etc so she never mentioned it to me bc it's a big thing etc and tbf i wasn't ~ready pre-this year#but now it's like... ah yes i was always upset on holidays and they never got why (the change in Everything)... i was picky with food#and with new shoes and i HATED shopping and it overwhelmed me so much (still does)#i would ask my mum what tf i was feeling and why i was crying and i would analyse social interactions#and i'd have obsessions with media and horses etc. was big know-it-all. was so slow with some subjects at school#like yknow when you had to copy letters 80 times? that'd take me ages and i'd get a fail bc i was being so precise#anyways. enough signs methinks dfjhdjh so now im just trying to see where stimming & eyecontact come in?#i never noticed a problem with eyecontact but im trying to let myself not do it and it's kinda nice?? but idk#and stimming idk i used to suck my thumb for a long time but?? i wanna try things but whew internalised ableism etc#so see then im like so ARE YOU ACTUALLY-- but anyways it seems i am#and my mum made me realise that'd. explain why i suddenly developed depression around age 11 and never got out of it again#so lots of Thinking!!! and wanting to shelve things like ok great figured it out NOW WHAT but noooo#also stupid to do this on tumblr and not rly talk about it with irl friends but what do you say like#hello im autistic? yeah it surprised me too. no i can't really explain how it works for me. no that's not how the spectrum works#so here we are yes#<3
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got studio time by myself today for the first time in sooo long i forgot how much i love doing my little twirls in a big empty room
#haven’t been going early before my monday stuff and it’s too busy and i’m too tired for me to stay late after my tuesday little kid ballets#so i haven’t gotten a studio to myself in sooo long. went w the intention of learning a lyrical dance i need to perform in 3 weeks and#don’t know but couldn’t bc no one can get the video to upload. but anyway took a city bus there in the rain which was a little bit nice#and i got like a couple solid hours of improv and some technical stuff n i feel so at peace#luna.words
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//I don't think there's going to be much RP tonight, if any. I'm just... stressed. And while usually writing, RP and otherwise, is what I do to destress, I just... can't today. There's like one or two threads I might be able to scrape together replies for, but only because I talk to the muns on literally a daily to multiple times a day basis. (If you've wondered why I seem to favor certain threads, I'm not ignoring everybody else, it's just way easier to write replies when I've discussed to death every aspect of the thread with the other mun(s).) Today I think I'm just gonna be mostly off-line. I still will get notifications if you DM me or ping me or something, but aside from that I'm just going to not be here. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
#backstage || ooc#murder ballads || mun#[[It's been a long week already and it's only Tuesday.#I am Tired™️and would like to just hibernate for a while please...]]
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had 2 turn down renfaire w my brother bcos of my damn brain.... killing & exploding & such =_=
#& also bcos i have things due tomorrow + tuesday + wednesday & didn't have any time 2 work on them yesterday. &#also bcos i would have been so tired & miserable. but mostly because of sudden prey animal brain mode.... guh. >:(#txt#whatever. going 2 work on fic in the car n get my brand boards#done for tuesday + take a long ass nap & maybe feel less wretched afterrr. although the Guilt will still remain. whatever!
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