#[idk I feel like I’ve been of minor inconvenience to everyone I know and I’m so fucking tired I can’t]

[skhardwarevers1]

in one of those moods where I don’t feel anything and it freaks me out

[nvrsaidiwasinurcloset]

Dude I have SO MANY fics right now that are so close to being completed, but then my dumb anxious brain is like…you’re probably going to get anons in your asks criticizing it. And I just get so in my feels and idk, maybe I’m too anxious to keep doing this, yk? It really bums me out because I love to write, and there’s so many people that like to read the stuff that I post, but anything negative makes me want to jump (I’m kidding, but I have BPD so my brain goes there at every minor inconvenience💀).

I know I didn’t post for a month, but I really feel like moving to a new area and trying to figure out life has been taking its fucking toll on me.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ll still try to write here and there, but I can’t focus on it like I once did. I’m sure I’ve written close to 100 Ethan fics since the beginning of the year (I NEED to update my master list), but the inspiration isn’t the same as it was, and I’m going to take the time to figure my shit out and I’ll be back eventually.

Seriously, I’m so fucking thankful for those of you that read the things I work so hard on, the ones that have been hyping me up since the beginning, all you sweet babies that have sent in requests. I still have every single one in my ask box if I haven’t written it yet, and I’m sure I’ll get to it when I officially do come back lmao.

Hopefully everyone will still want to read things about Ethan Landry at that point in time💀

Anywayyyyy, I love you guys, and I’ll be back soon-ish💕

[trans-advice]

hi! i’m afab and questioning if i’m trans. i live in the us and with everything going on rn it’s not the best time to be realizing that lmao. but anyway, i’m a minor and my parents are pretty accepting. the trans thing started really recently, like a couple weeks ago. i had a different gender crisis a year ago and some gender feelings on and off since then but none have been as bad as this. i’ve been going back and forth between lesbian and bisexual for a few years and i finally had the courage to come out to my parents as a lesbian about a month ago, but now i’m pretty sure i’m bisexual and trans in some way 😭 i’m scared if i come out again too soon they’ll think it’s a phase. i can’t tell whether i’m trans or not. i have a pretty small chest compared to most but i still wish it was flat. my best friend is a trans guy and i find myself getting really jealous of him because i wish i could just be perceived as a boy (or at least not as a girl). my name and being called she/her has always sorta felt weird to me, not really bad but just like i’m dissociated from it or something. i really don’t feel like a girl at all, but this all started so recently and i felt decently feminine before, and i never really showed any childhood signs of being trans (besides maybe wanting to be a couple different male fictional characters when i was like 12), so i’m scared it’s a phase and i’m just faking it. i don’t trust myself to figure it out accurately, it’s like i need someone to tell me i’m trans in order to not feel like i’m a fake. i feel like if i really were trans i should have known from a younger age. plus, i feel really bad about potentially changing my name and pronouns (even tho i kinda want to) because it’s just gonna be an inconvenience to everyone i know to have to remember to call me something different. sorry this is so long, i know it’s kinda a mess but general advice would be helpful lmao. thanks for running this blog!

IDK how safe coming out is for you, so I do want you to keep your safety in mind more than I want you to prioritize the convenience of others. People in general when they don't want to be inconvenienced just don't get involved. If they're involved enough & it's a safe environment & relationship, then adding the living name & pronouns probably isn't a problem. If they're not involved though then they probably won't even try to learn or remember your name.

As for explaining the difference between sexual orientation & gender identity to your parents, gender identity is everywhere where sexual orientation is more focused on the bedroom. Say when you went with the affirmation of lesbian that it ended up not affirming everything. Like to be fair, trans men are part of the sapphic community because the oppression against trans people (which includes nonbinary people) is more intense than that against being a woman instead of a man.

People's gender identity can change over time & that's fine. Such matters are out of our control. The point is to affirm which ever gender identity you have.

I would probably start with creating online accounts that affirm your gender identity & some same (possibly an alias) that sounds cool to you. Then search for spaces where lgbtqia+ people are welcome, then search for spaces where lgbtqia+ people aren't kicked out. Whether these are online or in-person, keep an eye out for safety procautions.

Good Luck, Peace & Love,

Eve

[of-a-chaotic-mind]

Headcanon for Being the Gen Z Child of Dean, Sam, & Cas

TW/CW: Gen Z humor should be a warning in and of itself lol but basically just dark humor and mention of getting bitten by a monster.

Requested?: Yes, another amazing request from @princesswagger17 , “Can you maybe do a headcannon for Sam and Dean and maybe Cas too for what it would be like to be thier Gen Z kid?”

A/N: As an older Gen Z I hope I did this justice lol. Requests are open! Hope everyone is well, love to all!

Dean:

    - If there’s anything you and Dean have in common it’s your pop culture references. Unfortunately, you guys don’t always get each other’s references.

      *Loud noise comes from the door of the bunker being slammed shut which interrupts your and Dean’s conversation about an older pop culture reference he made that you didn’t get*

      You: *already on edge* Stooooop I could’ve dropped my croissant!

      Dean: *utterly confused* You’re not even holding a croissant??

      You: Okay, Boomer. *laughs all the way back to your room*

    - You: *walks in on Dean and Sam arguing about whether you pour the milk in the bowl before the cereal*

      Dean: Ah my favorite offspring, (you started this ongoing joke a while ago) you know the correct way to pour your bowl of cereal is by pouring the milk first and then the cereal right?

      You: First of all, I’m your only offspring. Second, you guys use milk with your cereal? I’ve been using bleach.

      Dean & Sam: *Concerned™*

    - Dean always feels a mixture of concern and “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” when you mention that you’re running on “like three hours of sleep, no will to live, and two burgers.”

    - You: *bursts into the room carrying your phone* Dad! Dad! I have tea! I have scalding hot tea!

      Dean: What? Well, don’t be running with it you’ll spill it and burn yourself. *Looks up finally* (Y/N), you don’t have tea. You have your phone.

      You: *facepalms* No look, *shows him some news article that he would find fascinating on your phone*

      Dean: How is that tea?

      You: I’m surrounded by idiots.

      Dean: Did you just quote Scar from Lion King?

      You: Sure did. That guy is such a mood.

    - You: *drops your last fry on the floor of the diner* Well fuck me, might as well go yeet myself off a bridge.

      *Sometime Later*

      You: *gets bitten by a monster* *in a light and calm voice* Oh look at that, I’ve been impaled.

      Dean: *While racing over to help you fight off the other monsters* What the hell, (Y/N)! You drop a fry on the ground and act like it’s the end of the world but get bitten by a monster and it’s just a minor inconvenience?

Sam:

    - Sam: *starts freaking out because you got hurt on a case or something*

      You: Woah Dad, why are you panicking? This isn’t a disco.

      Sam: *rolls his eyes at your ability to avoid the seriousness of the situation with humor*

      Dean: *somewhere off to the side while hacking some monster in two* damn right this isn’t a disco. Wouldn’t be caught dead at one.

    - *during a case and you guys finally find out what the culprit is*

      You: Alright, we know what this thing is, how do we yeet this bitch from existence?

      Sam & Dean: *dumbfounded*  

      Sam: Did they just say yeet? What is yeet?

      Dean: Idk do you think it’s like yet but with an extra e?

      You: Okay Boomers.

    - Every now and then when you and Sam are researching for a case, you’ll send him a bunch of links for different articles and hide a rick roll link in there just for fun. He doesn’t find it very funny but Dean always laughs his ass off.

   - *you, Sam, and Dean are all driving along a country highway or something*

      You: *as you all pass a pond with ducks and geese surrounding it* Look at all those chickensssss.

      Sam: *double takes to make sure he saw correctly that those are in fact geese and ducks* (Y/N), are you feeling alright? Those aren’t chickens.

      You: Ugh, Boomer.

Cas:  

    - Cas: *opens a door and almost hits you with it* Oh (Y/N), I’m so sorry!

      Dean: Wow Cas, watch out you could’ve killed her.

      You: *blankest face possible* I wish...

      Cas & Dean: *concerned Dad noises*

    - Cas found your constant use of finger guns amusing and has also started doing it much to the annoyance of Sam & Dean.

    - Cas is often confused of your use of different terms such as mood, oof, same, etc. He was not aware that an apple rolling off the table was among the range of humans' moods and emotions.

    - Cas: Okay, it’s my turn for a supply run. Does anyone need anything?

      You: A will to live would be nice but I hear those are in short supply lately so I’ll settle for a case of Monster Energy drinks.

      Cas & Sam: *concerned af*

      Dean to Cas: *straight face* That’s a mood, I’ll take a case too but make mine beer.

      Dean to You: Is that how you use that word? Did I do that right?

      You: *high fives Dean* Sure did! Nice execution.

Masterlist

Everything Taglist:

Dean Winchester Taglist: @akshi8278​

Sam Winchester Taglist:

Castiel Taglist:

[gone-series-orchid]

Forget anon now lmao I sent the last two asks

I have seen possibly a couple spoilers on tumblr but I vehemently refuse to acknowledge them until they happen when I read them on paper. IMO I think the only reason this series was able to be marketed at young adults was bc the characters were mostly too young to be interested in s*x.....

Like I said I’m only halfway thru Plague but I don’t like how the story treats Pete as a plot device. I also hate that Duck had to die when like everyone else in that book got to live but I guess the FAYZ just isn’t fair like that, idk.

I also don’t like how 90% of the stuff that happened in Lies was disregarded like it was filler? Like that should have been majorly traumatizing.

However that being said I really love how unapologetic and raw this series has been so far. It doesn’t fuck around. It tackles a lot of hard topics and I really respect that. My likes outweigh my dislikes by a lot

(Btw I love Orc a hell of a lot too)

yay! i was wondering if you’d popped up in my notes without my realizing, and i was right! welcome to the (very tiny) gone fandom!

oof, yeah, little pete’s portrayal is one of the things about the series that sadly doesn’t improve throughout the books. it’s one of the elements of the series that really dates it. i’ve talked about it some on here, as have other fans; it’s one of the more blatantly misguided, offensive things about the books. a couple fans have headcanoned astrid as being on the spectrum as well, which i personally love; i believe it’s way to somewhat mitigate the faults of little pete’s portrayal (take note, potential show writers!). it’s not canon by any means, but we can dream...!

i loved duck and thought his death was very sad. he’s one of my favorite minor characters! however, for what it was, i liked that he had a fully fledged arc! his character development was so nice to see. if he’d lived, i worry he’d disappear into the background and die in some other less satisfying way; we all know michael grant doesn’t skimp on meaningless deaths for unimportant characters. it’d be sad for duck to end up that way.

yeah, mg does have a problem with kind of dropping subplots whenever they’re inconvenient; tbh i don’t remember a whole lot that happened in lies, aside from it being The One Where Astrid Becomes a Corrupt Politician, Sort Of, but i don’t doubt that a lot went unremarked upon in the later books. despite a lot happening in each book, a bunch of stuff doesn’t really carry over, to the point where the books feel a little convoluted. they’re very shaggy. that’s part of their charm, but it does get bewildering sometimes. and yeah! i think lies is almost universally regarded as the “filler” book; i have a lot of love for it because astrid’s my favorite female character of the series--she really shines there and gets to have her whole tragic fall from grace--but it’s not very memorable aside from that, i think.

and yeah, i do respect the amount of tough subjects mg brings up! he doesn’t really pussyfoot around hard stuff. he treats his young audience with respect, which is always nice. not that he doesn’t mishandle some stuff, but his honesty is refreshing.

and omg, isn’t orc a great character? i love everything about him. his character development, his friendship with howard, his soft spot for astrid, his relationship with his dad, etc. i could talk about him forever. i think his arc is the most emotionally effective out of all of them, and i love that he gets pov chapters of his own (especially in plague) despite not being super plot-relevant. every time he gets a pov chapter my heart breaks for him a little more. he’s flawed, but you want him to get better. he reaches an important turning point in plague while staying at a certain boarding school for troubled kids; no spoilers, but it’s one of those scenes that i was stunned by; it has implications that a lot of ya books wouldn’t include, especially for a character who’s morally gray but has become steadily more sympathetic over time, hence why it’s my favorite scene. watch out for it! 👀

[starmakerdotcom]

summary : min needs to think about what she says, or she’ll taint another friendship.

characters : kang minjung , son yongmi , zhao honghui (briefly) , elizabeth park , na jaemin (nct) (mentioned)

genre : i guess angst idk

warnings : swearing , verbal arguing , damn they kinda mean to each other . i’m not good at writing people arguing i have Never been in a fight Ever but i tried

words : 1.7k

[ july 2020, 1:23 pm, solar dorms ]

“what’re you smiling at over there?”

yongmi looked up from her spot on her armchair, curled up in a blanket to meet minjung’s eyes across the room, standing near the entrance to the kitchen. she shrugged, looking back down at her phone with a huge grin on her face. “just a new friend,” she replied, although she was very obviously blushing.

“...just a new friend?” minjung took a sip of the glass of water she had in her hand, she wasn’t buying it. she knew yongmi.

yongmi sighed in defeat, a grin still plastered on her face, “ookay, i think she’s pretty. that’s it!”

“well fuck, what’s stopping you from asking her out?” minjung asked.

“crippling anxiety,” yongmi replied simply.

minjung paused for a beat before speaking again, “what’s the worst that could happen?”

“uh... she says no?”

“so what? it’s worth a shot.”

yongmi frowned, knitting her eyebrows together, “it’d be so embarrassing if she said no. i don’t even know if she likes girls!”

“seriously, what do you have to lose.”

“...my dignity?”

minjung didn’t understand yongmi sometimes. what was so hard about asking someone out? despite the fact that, technically, it seemed they should be the best of friends and inseparable due to their closeness in age and how they trained together for years, but it wasn’t always like that. sure, they were close friends, and had been since they met, but they were complete opposites, and it was honestly a bit of a mixed bag. they didn’t get each other as well as they used to.

she sighed, “it’s not that hard, just get over yourself and do it. that’s basically how i got with jaemin.”

“you’re failing to realize that not everyone is as blunt as you,” yongmi said, looking down at her nails, “you’ll just go up to someone and be like, hey, let’s hook up- or whatever, i’m not the type of person that does that.”

“okay-“ minjung wrinkled her nose, “first of all i don’t say it like that. do i need to give you lessons on how to ask someone out, are you that lonely?”

“you’ve just never had to deal with anxiety, you should be grateful. you should also be a little more considerate, you’re being a little rude.”

“am i being rude? or are you just being sensitive?”

yongmi was standing now, completely disregarding her blanket that fell to the ground when she stood up. “can you not be nice to me for once?”

“maybe i would if you weren’t so annoying about it,” minjung stood her ground when yongmi began walking towards her.

“maybe it’s not all me,” yongmi snapped, “maybe you should stop being such a bitch.”

woah, okay, that took a sharp turn. minjung rolled her eyes, trying to mask the fact that she was absolutely flabbergasted that yongmi, arguably one of the softest and most kindhearted people she knew, would ever call her a bitch to her face. such a word wasn’t even in her vocabulary most of the time. “who says i’m the one being a bitch?”

“woah, cat fight!” the two girls snapped their heads to the side to see honghui in the hallway exiting his room, still with his hand on the knob watching the two girls argue with a look of almost excitement on his face. “what’s going on out here? should i get snacks, how long is this gonna go on for?”

minjung scowled at him, “fuck off.”

“sorry,” honghui laughed, going back into his room, “continue.”

minjung sighed, not at all phased by honghui’s sudden appearance and just as sudden disappearance, “anyways, i believe we left off on you calling me a bitch.”

yongmi laughed, but it sounded lifeless and forced, not like her usual laugh (that yongmi herself absolutely hated), “yeah, because you can’t seem to understand that some people have a different mindset than you do! you do this all the time, too, it’s probably because your parents let your spoiled ass get away with whatever you wanted.”

“okay, what we’re not gonna do is bring my parents into a conversation that has nothing to do with them,” minjung spat, walking closer to yongmi, who stayed right where she was, despite minjung’s assumption that she’d back up as soon as she started inching closer.

“i mean, they’re the ones to blame for how you act. look at me, i’ve never had to face a minor inconvenience in my life, i have a super cute boyfriend and i talk about guys like they fall to their knees whenever i approach them-“

yongmi stopped when minjung raised her hand like she was about to slap her, but stopped when she saw how hard she made the former flinch. when she stood up straight again, minjung noticed yongmi had tears in her eyes, and she remembered how much yongmi hated confrontation. regardless, she held her head up high and continued.

“the fact that you’re resorting to hitting instead of a civil discussion-“ yongmi sniffed, blinking rapidly as she didn’t want minjung to see her cry. “that really says a lot about you. why can’t we be the way we used to-“ she cut herself off early when her voice broke. she stormed down the hall to her bedroom, but not before whacking the glass minjung had in her hand, spilling water down the front of her white tshirt.

“hey!” minjung called after her, “jaemin’s supposed to be coming later! i’m wearing a black bra you can literally see everything-!”

“i’m sure he’d love to see that!” yongmi called before slamming her door, leaving minjung standing in the living room with a soaked shirt and a dumbfounded expression.

it saddened yongmi more than she could ever get out in words that minjung wasn’t the same girl that she’d known when they were both 14 and joining a company for the first time, minjung with no experience in dancing whatsoever and yongmi barely even speaking korean. they bonded over how inexperienced they both were.

yongmi could recall a time where they snuck out of the building one afternoon while they were on break, and just walked down the streets of downtown seoul without a care in the world. they were so excited when the final lineup for solar was announced, especially considering the night prior they stayed up way past their curfew to stargaze in the roof of the smk building, convinced they would never see each other again because minjung was guaranteed a place in the final lineup and at that time, they thought yongmi wasn’t.

yongmi tried to make herself feel better by reminding herself that friendship wasn’t always forever, but she couldn’t help but miss that sense of comfort and nostalgia behind minjung’s warm eyes when she stared into them.

“what the hell is your problem?” elizabeth spat, bursting into minjung’s room, causing her to jump, leaving a mascara smear on the side of her face from where she was trying to do her makeup.

“what’s going on this time?” minjung sighed, pulling a wipe out of her makeup bag to rub off where she’d messed up.

elizabeth rounded the side of her bed, bending down behind the mirror minjung held in front of her face to do her makeup with to look her in the eye, “i found yongmi crying in our room earlier, and when i asked her what was wrong, she asked me if she was too sensitive. she said you said that to her.”

minjung shrugged, purposely, or so elizabeth assumed, avoiding her eye, “she was being sensitive.”

“fucking-“ elizabeth grabbed the mirror minjung was holding right out of her hand and stood up straight again, “look at me!”

“give it!” minjung whined like a little kid, holding her arms out in an attempt to reach it, “jaemin is coming over soon!”

elizabeth held the mirror behind her back and continued, “y’all can’t ever get along, and i’m fucking sick of it, someone needs to knock some sense into you.”

minjung rolled her eyes for what felt like the fiftieth time that day as elizabeth continued, “you guys argue over the stupidest things and you need to learn how to get along soon or it’s gonna look bad on the rest of us.”

“she called me a bitch,” minjung said defensively, only provoking elizabeth to continue her rant.

“maybe because you were being a bitch. you don’t want to admit it, but you’re spoiled, and you’re a brat, and honestly? you’re abusing you title as the leader. yongmi would be a better leader than you’ve ever been if you don’t smarten up.”

from the look on minjung’s face, you would’ve thought elizabeth had slapped her. but she managed to get out, “look, i don’t know why everyone is taking her side all of a sudden-“

“because you’re the one in the wrong! you need to quit acting like you’re always the victim and like the whole world revolves around you. sure, yongmi may have said a few mean things earlier, but she’s been putting up with it from you for god knows how long.”

“she’s-“

“you two are complete opposites. i get that, you don’t think the same, but you two used to be so close! i don’t know what happened between before we debuted and now but you need to start being more considerate and stop acting like a brat.”

“i-“

“stop trying to make excuses and smarten up already!”

silence. a deafening silence that made minjung’s ears ring. was she really as mean as yongmi and elizabeth said she was? so mean that they were starting to think she was abusing her title as a leader? she’d never admit it, but shit, that cut deep. she did miss how close she used to be with yongmi, she missed it a lot, she missed how genuine and sweet she was, something she wasn’t all that used to. sure, she loved her family but she’d never been as close with them as the relationships she’d developed outside of her own home. yongmi has brought her a sense of comfort she wasn’t all that used to, so what exactly happened?

“have fun with jaemin later,” elizabeth said bitterly, tossing the mirror back onto minjung’s bed and closing the door softly as she left. minjung thought it probably would’ve been better if she slammed it.

[kuningannasansa]

A musketeers rewatch (that nobody asked for) 1x04

(warning: not always complimentary towards all characters, especially not aramis, anne and athos. dont like, don’t read)

We start with Louis being a prat and in this instance I love it! 

Richelieu is wearing his red robes over the hideous black outfit. I wish it was just the robes. 

Athos wonders what’s wrong with Aramis and Porthos says “have you forgotten about the massacre at Savoy?”. This is clumsy exposition. Realistically Athos the character would not have forgotten but I guess the viewers need to know. 

“A strategically important pimple” - Lmao! Who says Armand hasn’t got a sense of humour! 

This marks the beginning of these strangely depopulated court scenes. I do wish they had been able to afford more extras!

The Duke’s name is Victor... idk how I feel about that

The conversation between Marsac and Aramis is very well written, the exposition feels natural and also Aramis handles the situation quite well.

Now the Duke is mad and everyone is trying to calm him down. Treville points out that they should wait for the facts and Anne says that the shot could have hit any one of them, they are family and should stick together. This is why I liked her back in season 1! She was clever, had some political acumen and was good at playing her role as queen (women being seen as the gentler sex whose job it was to calm mens anger) while still maneuvering and getting her own way. 

It is funny thou, how everyone else is making good points and Richelieu is pacing around in a panic not saying anything at first, not even responding to Victor’s insults. And when he does speak he miscalculates and angers the duke. He is brilliant when given time to think and consider, but not always quick on his feet lol (as pointed out by @tatzelwyrm in her wonderful fic Reformation, which I really must remember to review cause I fucking loved it).   

Louis calls the duke a pomous arse and Richelieu points out that France needs Savoy, but his face says he agrees xD

There’s definitely some sexual tension between Aramis and Marsac. Or maybe I’m just a shameless slasher... 

“If this gets me hanged, I’m going to take it very personally” - lol, I do love musketeers humour!

The scene between my dear grand deceiver and his bluff honest man of action is SO GOOD!! The dialogue, the delivery, the acting in general!

Richelieu’s room is ridiculously large and empty thou xD 

“Death in battle is one thing, but your world of back alley stabbings and murder disgusts me” - that seems to be the show’s morality in a nutshell and I don’t like it. Whether you’re killed by Milady’s dagger between the ribs or a musketeer sword, you end up no less dead. Sometimes secret assassinations are necessary, that’s why countries have spy agencies. And while yes, in battle you can see your opponent coming and have a good chance to deny him, I am convinced that a big part of why killing in battle is seen as more honourable is that it is the more traditionally masculine option. Also, it is an option most easily accessible to able bodied men. Everyone else can’t always afford to “fight fair”. 

“Not everything I do is pleasant, but it is all necessary.” - well, that’s not true either. Not all.

Richelieu panics again and wants to move the prisoner but Treville says a transfer would only attract attention and Richelieu is like “yeah, you’re probably right” lol. Poor cardinal, he’s trying to run the whole country alone but he needs advisors just like anyone else would to make the best decisions. If he would just admit it, his life would be a lot easier! 

Dartagnan gets all jealous and territorial over Constance. I know it’s meant to indicate their true love, but I’ve never found that shit charming. 

Aramis ties Marsac up. This is making me horny now. 

“I’ve thought of you many times” - omg, I gotta see if there’s fic of them!

Constance finds out that Marsac is a criminal and instead of kicking him out, she kicks D’artagnan out! Bless!

Okay, so the Duke’s men killed the 20 musketeers because the Duke thought that they had come to kill him and put his son on the throne. And Treville told him where to find them through Cluzet (spl?). But actually it was all a distraction to kidnap Cluzet. Noting this down, cause I don’t remember the plot anymore.

PORTHOS DEFENDING TREVILLE!!  <3

And Richelieu just couldn’t resist going to see his prisoner! 

And Cluzet worked for the Duke officially but was actually a Spanish spy! Okay, that makes sense. I wondered why they kidnapped him lol.

Richelieu is gloating now. He should have stayed away from there. 

“Total solitude, unlimited time to reflect... I almost envy you.” - oh Armand! You will learn in the Spanish prison :(

(yes, in this house the Spanish prison AU is canon)

Porthos: “this is the captain we’re talking about” Aramis: “which is why we owe it to him to clear his name” - damn, that’s a good argument! I like Aramis in this episode! That’s probably why I remember liking him a lot when season 1 first aired...

“If it is true, what then?” - @donnaimmaculata made an excellent point about that here: https://donnaimmaculata.tumblr.com/post/109300936446/aramis-was-actually-at-his-smartest-in-this

Louis playing swords with Louis Amadeus is so cute!! And the kid is a more gracious loser than Louis is a winner xD

“I don’t want protection, I want to be treated as an equal.” - that’s a good Constance line, much more feminist than that nonsense about the duchess later in the episode

And D'artagnan apologizes and promises not to lie to her again. Mentioning that cause his respect for her boundaries and acknowledging when he makes a mistake goes totally out the window in season two.

The duke: “Have you captured the man who tried to kill me?” Richelieu: “We should not be distracted by minor issues.” - what is wrong with him this episode?? he is not being at all diplomatic

The duke challenges Athos to a duel and Treville is so cool and quietly confident while Richelieu frets.  

And Treville smirks at his evident distress xD

Treville gets mad at Athos for humiliating the duke. He could have defeated him in a way that left him his dignity, apparently. But Porthos says he would have cut his head off, so Treville should consider himself lucky, really. 

Porthos is very good at spying!

Treville’s filing of documents is “meticulous”, apparently. Sorry, but that does NOT sound like him!

“I will never believe the captain is a traitor” - that’s noble of you Athos. Maybe you could have extended the same courtesy to your wife?

The confrontation with Treville is so angsty and well acted and tense! This is the show at it’s best, dealing with a serious issue and giving it the weight it deserves. I love!

It’s kind of sad seeing how in love the duke is with his wife! I hope he never finds out she’s a spy lol xD

Now Marsac tries to rape Constance. Was that really necessary? Like, really, why?? We understand he is an antagonist, there is no need to make him cartoonishly evil, especially by using violence against women. 

I don’t know what his friend being a seezy rapist says about Aramis thou...

Dart to the rescue, yawn!

I do love how we are led to believe they’re gonna kiss and then she goes “teach me how to shoot” xD

“Honour? There’s no word in the language more likely to cause stupidity and inconvenience” - lmaoo, Richelieu I feel you

“You think I won’t have you arrested? That you’re above the normal rules of soldiering?” - Yesss Treville, have him arrested! You will save everyone a lot of grief down the road!

Aramis punches Treville in the face! LOL! xD

Aramis and Marsac argue how to handle Treville (Marsac wants to assassinate him) and Aramis just cradles his face!

And then Marsac punches aramis in the face and knocks him out cold! LOL! xD

I love how the duke is actually objectively right in this episode. Imperialist France is meddling in the affairs of another sovereign state. The weak suffer what they must. And the musketeers are not on the side of good by helping the King and Richelieu conceal Cluzet. They follow their orders and work for the state, but the state is, well, not always nice. Just pointing that out...

The duchess looks so cool and beautiful riding into the garrison in that yellow dress with her cloak flapping in the wind!

“You traitor!” Cluzet says to the duchess. Pot calling the kettle black

“Not your average duchess then” - I don’t like this line! It sort of implies that an average duchess without fighting skills is somehow lesser and plays into a long pattern in television when women are only valued when they have “masculine” skills. But I do love her character a lot! More on that here: https://kuningannasansa.tumblr.com/post/100754198434/a-duchess-of-savoy-appreciation-post

Richelieu’s FACE when he sees D'artagnan as the guard! xD

But I wonder what his plan was? What if the musketeers had not shown up to save his ass?

“Paris has a number of excellent places of correction, if you’d like a tour of them all?” - aawwww, sassy cardinal! 

He even gives Dartagnan a look of acknowledgement. As well he should! The Cluzet switch was brilliant and funny!

Now Marsac is going to kill Treville, but Aramis stops him, saying there should be a court martial. Well done Aramis, keeping your head! Also, justice! It does exist! 

This is another very well acted emotional scene!

Aramis shoots Marsac, choosing Treville over him. It’s sad and tragic and wonderful television!

“I love my husband, very much” - I like their relationship

Lmaooo now Richelieu is already plotting the Duke’s murder xD  

Wet Aramis at Marsac’s grave is hot!

In conclusion, there were some things I didn’t like, but all in all this was a very good episode!

Red Guards killed in the line of duty: none

Women fridged: also none! this really was a good one guys!

Best dressed: Constance

[mszegedy]

mszegedy’s nutrition guide for people who want to lose weight without getting another ED

This post was prompted by an acquaintance of mine who asked for help losing weight for trans reasons. It is written from a DID-centric point of view (because we both have it), and is intended for people who’ve already been through an ED, and are trying to be careful to not get another one. That said, most of the information in this guide is useful to everyone.

I know I am dipping my toes in a deep pool here, on a website where people have strong opinions about nutrition science, and about EDs, and about body positivity. Let me say this much: if you are currently experiencing or recovering from an ED, this guide is not for you. This is not a guide that will magically let you jump from hating your body and diet to being both thin and healthy. This is for people who already have a degree of confidence in themselves, and a degree of love for their body, and are just afraid of trying to make any changes to their weight at all, because they worry they’ll get an ED. If you still have an ED, then you need to get help for that first, and then, once you’re more confident, come back and read this guide.

Alright, so, as a system with a host who’s a trans biochemist with an interest in nutrition chemistry, and as a system that’s had an ED before (basic binge/restrict anorexia, but motivated by money rather than weight), this is what we’ve got to say about healthy weight loss:

First of all, the body positivity mantra, which I’m sure you’ve heard before but needs to be the headline of any weight loss guide: the healthiest weight is whatever makes you the happiest. It is not healthy to push yourself too hard to lose weight. It is also not healthy to hate your body. Find a comfortable balance between the two. For us, as a system experiencing gender dysphoria, that first meant putting a lot of effort into looking the way we wanted to, and then gradually easing up as we got more comfortable with the peculiarities of our body.

The single aspect of your diet that impacts your health the most is regularity. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to get the same amount of each nutrient every day, or even the same amount of calories per day. What it does mean is that you have to add eating each day to your schedule. If you have a history of ED, you may simply forget to eat most of the time. (I know we do.) That’s why you have to manually take control, and nail down a time window each day when you can eat. Even if it’s just once, although you should work your way up to two or three eventually. I don’t know how your system works, but in ours, basically, I do all the diet planning and execution, and everyone else whines about it (even our host, who shares our job as a biochemist).

Calories are good. Calories are fuel. If you are consuming calories, you are alive. Be far more afraid of not consuming enough calories than of consuming too many. Extra calories are ballast, supporting you on days when you can’t eat as much. Missing calories are death. Every calorie you eat is precious brain and body fuel. Your peak performance, especially brainwise, is when you’re not missing any fuel. Start worrying about whether you’ve had enough calories each day. But don’t count them! The number doesn’t matter! Trust me on this, the only meaningful part of your calorie intake is the digit in the thousands place, and if you try to calculate that, you’ll just end up counting calories again like a chump. Instead, just check whether you’re going to bed hungry or not. If you’re not hungry at the end of the day, and you’ve actually eaten, you’ve won that day. Learn to eyeball how much food lets you end a day like that.

Now that you’re forbidden to mess with the amount of calories you’re getting (beyond just making sure you’re getting enough), what can you mess with? Your diet’s nutrient breakdown. This is where knowing biochemistry comes in handy, because there’s SO many different kinds of nutrients to keep track of. First of all, the stuff that contains calories:

Sugars: The primordial fuel source. Pure energy, as far as your body is concerned. Avoid when trying to lose weight, but don’t feel guilty if you’re supplementing your calorie intake with it in small amounts on days when you otherwise wouldn’t be getting enough. Remember that there’s a really easy way to tell whether something contains sugar, namely whether it’s sweet. (Some things, like milk, aren’t sweet and still contain sugar. You just have to memorize those. And of course some things have non-sugar sweeteners in them, but in that case it’ll be obvious.)

Digestible starches: Sugars with a price. Still no nutritional value beyond energy, although they tend to come bundled with other nutrients like proteins. Again, not great if you’re trying to lose weight, but there’s no need to cut them out completely, unless you really don’t care about not being able to eat, say, potatoes. (There are also people who are helped by no-carb diets in other ways than weight loss for mysterious reasons, probably relating to allergies, but it’s not the end-all be-all of healthy diets that keto people make it out to be.)

Fats: A pretty inconvenient source of energy; breaking them down puts annoying, difficult-to-metabolize acids into your blood, and doesn’t net you all that much energy anyway. An ideal calorie source for losing weight; just make sure to consume as few sat fats as possible, and preferably no trans fats at all, which should be easy if you stay away from fast food places and stick to establishments that change out the oil in their fryers every, idk, 3 hours or so.

Amino acids and proteins: Now we’re getting somewhere! These guys are the “worst” energy sources out there. Breaking them up is very expensive, and turning the resulting amino acids into digestible calorie sources is a complicated and annoying process. But amino acids are a nutrient in their own right; every cell in your body is making tons of proteins continuously, some of them building important structures like skin and muscle, and they need a continuous supply of amino acids to do it. So, proteins? Great. Fantastic. You can’t have enough of them. Eat eggs and cheese and soy products, and if you’re that kind of person, meat. You can tell it's got amino acids and/or proteins in it when it tastes savory ("umami"); that's mainly the taste of glutamate, an important amino acid. Gluten is also made of proteins, but it’s even harder to digest than most other sources of protein, so you might have problems with it; and it comes bundled with a lot of starches, so, ehhh.

So, now for a couple non-calorie sources:

Vitamins: Vitamins have nothing in common with each other collectively; they’re just a bunch of random minor nutrients. If you’ve got your vitamins A, C, and D sorted out, then the only ones I’d worry about are folate (B9) and cobalamin (B12). B9 because it’s important for your brain, and tends to be missing in sufficient quantities from modern diets; we take methylfolate supplements every morning to make sure we get enough of it. B12 because it’s important in general, and may be missing in sufficient quantities from your diet, depending on what you eat. It’s only found in animal products, like meat, dairy and eggs. If you’re eating at least one of those regularly, I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

Omega-3 fatty acids: Technically contain calories, but not enough of them to matter. Found in fish, and good for your brain. We’re vegetarian, but we take two capsules of these every morning, because they really help with depression and memory, which are both problems for us.

Iron: Found in meat, beans, falafel, spinach, and lentils, among other things (like cocoa!). Needed to replenish blood. You shouldn’t need supplements for this unless you actually get diagnosed with iron deficiency, or lose a LOT of blood in a short time (which, uh, happens).

Water and sodium: Long story short, your blood is counterfeit seawater. Land organisms don't actually exist; we just brought the sea with us when we crawled out of it. To counterfeit seawater, you need water and sodium. Hence, why they're important nutrients to us. Your kidneys do an excellent job of maintaining a particular level of sodium in your blood, but if you eat too much more sodium than you drink water, or drink too much more water than you eat sodium, then they won't be able to keep up. You usually shouldn't have to worry about this, but if everything you eat is salty, then maaaybe you should drink more water, or dial down the sodium in your diet. (Anything wet contains water, from energy drinks to the juices of fruits to sauces, so it's not very hard to get water. But some things contain a higher sodium-to-water ratio than you need, so they won't help you balance out a salty diet. Be mindful.)

Dietary fiber, aka non-digestible starches: I don’t have anything interesting to say about these. Conventional wisdom about fiber seems to be correct, as far as I know. I only listed it because it’s in most nutrition facts in the US.

So, now that you know the roles of the various kinds of nutrients, just eyeball the correct amounts of them for your diet. Broadly, the less carbs you eat, the more weight you’ll lose, but it’s not a race. Find a nutritious diet that makes you happy. Think about all your favorite foods and ingredients, and think about their nutrient breakdowns. Mentally award yourself points for eating nutritionally diverse foods. It’s a healthy thing to turn your ED instincts towards. Good luck!

(If people ask for sources I’ll add them, but I’ve already spent way too much time on this guide, so I won’t do it immediately.)

[misha-moose-dean-burger-lover]

If you’re still doing the writing prompt thing I have this Destiel headcanon that Dean figured out he could lift up Castiel and he does it all of the time just to annoy him.

Here you go! It’s kinda long, and more fluffy than it was supposed to be Idk but I hope it’s up to your liking, fren!

***

The first time he does it, he has a very valid reason to. Cas has a broken femur, and a cast, to show for it. Thankfully, it isn’t a femural shaft fracture, and doesn’t require surgery. He’d broken his leg in the minor accident he’d had with a car - he was the pedestrian - and Dean had made sure to yell at the twenty three years old driver until the kid swore to never overlook a traffic light again. Anyways, they’d taken Cas to the hospital, and after a small procedure and a couple hours in the hospital - they’d let him take his boyfriend home.

Of course, at that moment, neither Dean nor Cas had remembered that they live in a first-floor apartment, and due to the stellar landlord-tenant relationships, the elevator was often down.

“The doctor told you to,” Dean snapped, when he saw Cas trying to put weight on his injured leg. “Not do that very thing, Cas!”

“Well,” Cas defended. “I’ve gotta, Dean! Because I can’t exactly teleport to our bedroom, so -”

“- shuddup.” Dean finds himself marching up to Cas, far too up in his personal space to not be about to do what he’d been debating with himself about doing. “You’re not a wriggler, are you?”

“Is that a sex term?” Cas threw back, smirking.

Dean ignored that - still sorta pissed off at Cas for coming in front of a slightly-speeding car just because he thought everyone on a city road was as law-abiding and respectful of zebra crossings like he was. Cas should’ve known better than to do something like that - what if, in his stupidity, he’d broke something more than a leg!? The thought pained him, and made him even more mad at Cas.

“I’m gonna pick you up and take you to our house.” Dean declared, equally for his benefit as for Cas’s. Cas blinked at him like he’d gone paranoid, and Dean swallowed, to absorb even more of the determination he knew he should feel.

Half-limp, and unable to move back, Cas shook his head firmly. “You’re not doing that, Dean.”

“Are you planning to set up camp in the lobby?” Dean bristled. “Because I’m not into the idea of going to a motel or back to the hospital!”

Cas was silent.

His eyes were a show of vulnerability, suddenly shining with the realization of being a liability. That very moment, it struck Dean, and it was like a kick to his stomach. He was hurt, and Dean was being an asshole to him.

“Cas, babe,” He put his hand on the shorter man’s spine, comfortingly. “You worried I’d drop you..?”

Cas looked at him hesitantly. “I know you wouldn’t..but what if we both fall and fracture our hips or something?”

Dean scoffed, dismissing the thought. “Will you just lemme do this, Cas?”

Cas pursed his lips, and there was indecision on his face - which was better than the definite refusal before and the cue for Dean. He knew his boyfriend well enough to know that Cas wouldn’t ever say a ‘yes’ outright to an idea like this, but him considering it meant - in Cas-tongue - that Dean was allowed to do this.

He grinned at Cas, readied himself, and keeping his eyes trained on Cas the whole time, picked him up bridal-style, with a hand under his neck and the other under his thighs.

Cas gasped, as Dean lifted him up, automatically clinging to Dean in a hurry that Dean found more endearing that he’d ever tell Cas.

“Ready?” Dean teased, before beginning to climb the stairs.

Cas almost screwed his eyes shut, until when he didn’t, and kept staring at Dean’s face as he carried him up. “We’re actually doing this.” He muttered, looking down at the stairs for the first time - careful not to move any more than he had to to inconvenience Dean.

Of course it wasn’t easy. Cas was six feet of running muscles (and concentrated snark, but Dean was hoping that was weightless or something). Dean may be taller, but even he knew that Cas looked bigger than him because of how he was built. But Dean was determined. They didn’t even really quiver.

Dean, aware of his own strength, put him down on the first landing, for a few moments. Cas still leaned on him, but Dean was very much okay with that, in spite of the fact that he was panting.

“You’re strong,” Cas informed Dean, coyly, when Dean picked him up again - with way more expertise than before, instantly adjusting his hands in the space behind Cas’s knees (careful to avoid the plaster) and the other holding up his upper body.

“Damn straight.” Dean replied smugly, resisting the urge to blush, and directing all of his attention to getting Cas to their doorstep first. “Get down, Cas, you’re home.” He let him on his feet, still half-steady, and began to unlock the door to their apartment with his keys.

Cas was grinning wide, at him, when he straightened and the door swung open.

“What?”

“I’m regretting the cast on my leg right now, because otherwise, I’d ask you to carry me to the bedroom.” Cas raised his eyebrows, giving him that look which made him weak in the knees -

Which was not the way to go right now, with one of them unable to walk right now.

Dammit, Cas.

“You enjoyed it, huh?” Dean prompted instead, not picking him up, but tucking Cas’s arm around him and supporting him as they walked into their living room. They both landed almost at the same time on the familiar couch they’d chosen together, at the time of moving in, almost two months back.

“I wish I could show you how fun it was,” Cas replied, without a speck of suggestion in it. “I could lift you too, you know.”

“You know I’m taller than you, right?” Dean couldn’t help the note of pride.

“You can lift me up two flights of stairs, and you think I can’t -” Cas narrowed his eyes at him, but there was a smile on his lips. “You clearly haven’t realized all the benefits of dating another man, Dean.”

Dean smirked. “Don’t promise me stuff you can’t deliver, Cas. At least not rightaway.” Cas frowned. “Well, I suppose I’m also supposed to get food and everything now that you’ve rendered yourself unpotable,” He smiled fondly at Cas, who huffed in annoyance. “So, my cooking or takeout, babe?”

*

The memorable next time, they’re in the middle of an argument. It’s a goddamn funny argument too, because Cas is hell-bent on not sleeping yet, and Dean will not let that go.

“Fucking 48 hours, Cas!” Dean yelled, “I’m not here for a weekend, and you don’t even go to bed!”

“I told you that I didn’t mean for that to happen.” Cas bristled, looking away from Dean. He looked like he wanted to use the ’but I dozed off on my desk enough times’ line again, but Dean was glaring at him too hard. “And if you’d stop freaking out about my sleep schedule for a moment, I’ve gotta finish this paper!”

“When’s the last date?” Dean clenched his fists, and hissed through his teeth.

“Thursday.”

“Today’s a Monday, you complete -” Dean lost it, and began to march towards his annoying boyfriend, who obstinately took a step back. He stood in front of Cas, inches away from his beautiful goddamn face, adorning an annoying frown.

“Are you planning to kiss me to sleep?” Cas rolled his eyes. “Because I’d like to see you try.”

“Nope.” Dean shot back, hella serious. “But I will carry you to bed.”

Cas narrowed his eyes, like that didn’t make sense - unless something must’ve clicked in his head, and he raised his eyebrows. He stole a glance at his computer, the word document of his paper for college open. He turned back to Dean, swallowing. “What?”

“You know what.” Dean’s voice was more level, but he was still exasperated with Cas. “I can do it, and I will, Cas.”

“Fine.” Cas bit his lip. “Carry me.”

Dean was slightly taken aback at the change of heart, but he also knew that he’d not seen Cas since friday and wanted to be close to him - would’ve made it much easier if he’d slept human hours, but still.

Without a word, Dean bent and picked Cas up with a flourish. It was still hard to do it, but at least he knew all the correct ways to make it more comfortable for them both.

Cas, this time, wrapped his hands around Dean’s neck, beaming. “Hello, Dean.”

“Come on, you sleep-deprived idiot.” Dean muttered, deliberately bouncing on his heels before walking towards his bedroom.

“This is unbelievably hot.” Cas told Dean, burying his face in Dean’s neck, and making Dean swear under his breath because goddammit.

“I know, right?” He joked, instead of making a lewd comment like he really wanted to - because believe it or not, Dean had that level of self control when it came to his boyfriend’s health. They reached the bed in no time, and Dean practically let go of Cas once he reached the memory-foam mattress - one of the loves of his life.

Cas, making a content little sound in his throat, began to make himself comfortable - for all his bite against this, literally five minutes back.

Sometimes, especially as a twenty four year old in college, you just need your bed to remind you how much you actually want to sleep.

Cas was already in just a ratty tee and pyjamas, so Dean stripped down to his boxers and joined Cas on the bed, who, for all his stillness and adorable sighs, was still awake.

“What else d'you need to sleep?” Dean teased.

“I was just thinking,” Cas returned, turning around to face Dean who was lying on his back, and wrapping an arm around his middle.

“About how awesomely strong I am, for being able to carry my big, grumpy boyfriend around?” Dean suggested.

“I’m not big.” Cas muttered, drowsily.

“You are, in all the ways that matter.” Dean chuckled at his own joke, because Cas was too asleep to react to it anymore. Fucking finally.

Dean carded his hands through the sleeping man’s hair, comfortable in everyway ever, and began to drift off to sleep himself, even feeling a little proud of himself.

*

Of course, those were the good two times. Followed by a number of bad times too. Once Dean realized that he could carry Cas around, he began to do it more freely.

There was a certain thrill in picking Cas up when they kissed, and an equal thrill in seeing the annoyed frown on his face on the Sunday mornings when Dean picked him up and landed him on the kitchen chair so that he had company while he cooked breakfast.

He carried him to bed when he fell asleep on the sofa, and Cas would regularly wake up bitching that there was a reason he napped on sofas, so that he could wake up due to the factor uncomfortability, and resume his work - and that by carrying him to bed like this, Dean was disrupting his work schedule too.

The number of 'pick you up’ puns were endless, once Dean discovered the joys of that. Cas must also enjoy it too, because he didn’t exactly laugh at all of Dean Winchester’s lame jokes, but he practically fell over laughing when Dean uses an old and tried one.

But he also knows that it annoys Cas most of the time now, but that’s part of the charm, really.

Cas swears that he’s gonna put on weight so that Dean can’t carry him around, randomly. Dean does him one better and says that he’ll restart going to the gym to sustain his newfound ability, and eat in just as much increased quantity as Cas says he will for the purpose.

One evening, when Cas remembers that he’d once told Dean he could pick him up too, he acts on it. Its almost easier for him, which is annoying for Dean - but Cas was right. In his previous 22 years of being in the closet, he’d clearly missed out on the opportunity of this. None of the chicks he went out with could’ve pick him up like this, or even been into the weird idea.

Then there’s the time that Dean wins an argument at Wal-Mart, when he threatens to pick Cas up - which is one of the weirdest things that he’s ever done, but Cas is laughing just as hard as he was taken aback - and that settled the debate on frozen meat.

So yeah. There’s a lot of times Dean does it, purely to annoy Cas. And it works like magic and that’s amazing.

But then there’s the really awesome times too, where Dean gets to actually fucking dramatize the line, 'carry you over the threshold of the altar of our marriage’ or something before Cas swears at him to shut up and start kissing him already, and he was getting impatient to be dehymenated as a wedded man or some shit Dean doesn’t remember because then they started making out.

Their honeymoon, close to Dean’s 27th birthday, is the only time Dean’s actually close to dropping Cas - but Cas has only himself to blame because he began to kiss Dean while in the middle of the act - and forgive him for not being completely stable on his feet whilst necking your husband.

And then there’s all of the times when they’ve put their daughter to bed, and Dean has insisted on carrying Cas to bed after a few moments too - a ridiculous gesture but greeted with annoyed grins and half-meaningful rolled-eyes.

So, there. Dean Winchester could pick Castiel up, and he does it often. Castiel can pick him up too, but he knows Dean loves it so he lets him do it. And most of the reason Dean does it, is because Cas either melts in his hands and goes all fluffy and clingy - or he snarks at him mid-air and yells for Dean to get over this phase, or argues that he’s a grown man who doesn’t want to be carried around like a fucking baby.

Dean has a good argument to that, especially when Cas looks at him with that crease in his forehead and hint of a scowl, even while he’s hiding a smile. “No offense, Cas, but without your degrees and computers, you’re kinda like a baby in a trench coat.”

*

I actually liked this one! Thanks for the prompt very much, dear anon!! Tagging @awkward-penguin-in-a-trenchcoat @iamcharliebradburylevelperfect @all-or-nothing-baby @styggtroll @notyoursweetbaboo @moderatelypanickedbisexual@telefunkies @adventurous-blob @crack–attack Thanks for reading!! Edit: If you feel like it, please leave a comment. Kinda need it somedays. Have an awesome day!

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

this is so obvious I should have realized it a long time ago, but it just occurred to me today that probably a big part of the reason I haven't made more of an effort to get help specifically for ADHD is...I'm afraid for it to join the list of health issues for which I went to somebody and nothing really changed.

like...well, it was over a decade ago that I first saw a doctor for IBS and I've been managing it okay for a long time now, but the first doctor I saw confidently told me we were going to fix it, and that...extremely did not happen. I'm managing it! but it took a few years just to get to that point, and it still causes me pain and inconvenience every day. and then there's my headaches and neck pain, and yeah maybe that would be better if I was perfect about exercising tons more in general and also doing the PT exercises every day (although a lot of them I actually can't do right now because of the weird costochondritis thing) but maybe it wouldn't, either, especially since I haven't had the sense that things have been much better when I've been consistent with exercises. and I'm always tired, and I know it's my fault if I'm going to bed too late but it's hardly my fault that I'm tired even when I theoretically did sleep plenty, or that sometimes I can't sleep even when I'm exhausted, and mostly I keep hearing stuff like "take melatonin" (have for years), "exercise more idk" (how much?? because even when I do get a lot of exercise it doesn't seem to affect my sleep much--and how am I supposed to have the energy for extra exercise when I'm always tired and I nearly always have a headache or neck pain?), and "try meditation and/or deep breathing exercises" (yeah I need to try this more but I have tried and the most recent time I did that when I couldn't sleep, the result was something like panic instead). and my wrists have been bothering me for a while now, mostly just at my work computer, and my physical therapist thought maybe it was related to me having broken my wrist almost a decade ago but I saw the doctor who surgically inserted the pin then and he said it was fine, and the physical therapist and massage therapist were like "okay cool well I'm sure we can fix this" and that hasn't happened, which I'm sure is also partly because I haven't been super consistent with exercises but also they don't help, there's nothing that really seems to help when my wrists already hurt (which, many days, starts as soon as I touch the mouse at work) except for getting away from my computer...and I had an ergonomic reevaluation from the people who did my current setup and the basic conclusion was "yeah everything looks mostly okay, we can try a different mouse I guess, keep experimenting with heights and angles for the keyboard tray, we'll check back later" but I've been doing that and nothing has changed (also they haven't checked back and I should probably bug them again but I don't entirely see the point). and I've got some eczema/dermatitis now and that's just going to continue being a problem, and my hands get painful little rashes sometimes and nobody knows why or what to do about it that I'm not already doing (lotion, hydrocortisone, antihistamines). things don't seem to get fixed, I just keep accumulating chronic pains and yeah, I realize that's probably an inevitable part of aging, but it's just like...it sucks, okay?

for that matter, the same thing feels true in other areas of my life--that when something is really important and I put in a lot of effort, it's still probably not as much as I could or should be doing (which is to say, my body and brain are always tired, and I don't devote every non-sleeping, non-working moment to the thing), and whatever I do isn't enough. like, the outcome of the midterm elections was a net positive, but I think everyone I specifically campaigned for lost, especially in my own state where I participated the most and every part of our government got redder, and as a direct result of that election Alaska is on the brink of economic ruin.

or in smaller things, I don't know, it seems like the more effort I put into finishing a fic or writing a meta post or whatever (or something even more minor, like encouraging people I know to download a cool game while it's free), the less I get in return. is that true? I don't know, but it feels that way pretty often. hell, Hazy's anxiety issues have followed the same basic pattern--I tried a ton of solutions that helped a lot of other dogs (CBD oil, a Thundershirt, a calming hormone spray, one of my old shirts, toys stuffed with frozen peanut butter to keep her occupied, puzzle toys for her food to give her more mental stimulation, leaving the radio or some music playing, trying to teach her to like her pen, etc.) and basically nothing made a difference until we started her on a prescription medication, which helps but doesn't actually fix the problem.

and I guess I didn't realize this before, somehow, which is weird because it seems very very obvious, but I suppose I'm afraid ADHD is just going to join that list--that I'll get diagnosed, probably, but we'll try a few medications and they won't do anything for me, and whatever general strategies are suggested won't work for me either because I'm too lazy or something, and in general it'll be another situation where I go in thinking I'm going to get help with something that's messing up my life and instead I'm going to dump a lot of time, energy, and money toward...nothing.

that's...still not a good reason not to do anything, because I won't know until I try, and I need to at least do that much. and it's probably good to realize consciously that this is part of what's holding me back so I can approach it more deliberately. but at the same time, of course, confronting this issue means recognizing that yeah, the thing I've been subconsciously worried about is a real possibility. and what do I do about that? I don't really know.

[msitt-blog]

broken

so this is it huh? going from seeing each other, holding each other every day and every night to texting and calling every day and being so sad that we can’t see each other to hours without replies and one worded conversations. slowly but surely you’re fading out and this is exactly what i was scared of. days/months of memories, building a relationship or i guess friendship to you, all wasted. wasting into nothing. no more good mornings, no more good nights. no more i love you’s. no more i miss you’s. maybe it’s really time to just let go completely. i’m tired. i’m tired of worrying. i’m tired of caring because i know you don’t. i’m so tired of loving you. it is very obviously one sided at this point. it’s exactly what i said, you’re too busy to worry and to care. a couple more weeks, maybe months, you’ll be too busy with someone new and i’m not going to be around to see that. i’m sad you didn’t want to try and make this work, but it seems that it was for the best. you were never going to actually try, and that’s why it was so easy for you to give up. i was a pawn for you to play while you had one more semester. i went with it. i went with it because i actually believed we were going to be something. i actually believed you would not let it end. looking back, i put way more into it than you did. i just gave and gave and told you so much about myself. i let you into the worst parts of my mind. i gave you things, showed you things i have never ever showed/told anyone. you didn’t care about me, you cared about the attention. i would love to see if you even listened to half of the stuff i told you. you always had the same reply for everything. "i'm really sorry megan". all you wanted was the routine of having someone to pass the time with. that is why the second we stopped talking you went right back to her and why you started swiping on tinder. i know you talked to other girls the way you talked to me. every time i would try to call you out on it, you would find a way to make me feel like the shittiest person alive for even thinking that. looking back, how did  i not realize? how many of them did you say i love you to? how many of them do you miss and want to be laying with right now? how many of them did you call babe/baby? remember asking me how cottonfest went while we were laying together?? sorry, but you mixed up your girls. i can’t believe i let that go. i was so fucking blinded by you. i saw you snap chatting some girl one time while she was in the bath and you were trying to hide your phone to keep me from seeing. you did that quite often. you made sure to reply to a very select group of people when we were laying together. i’m sure you gave them the same excuses you gave me when you would take a while to answer. “i was napping sorry” or “i was at my friend's”. you never sent pics of me and you to them. im sure you never actually told your friends about us. at least not in depth. probably only “yeah we haven’t had sex yet, but i’m working on it” or you told them the type of things i was into and that i’m not having sex with you. the time we all went out to the bar they were very vocal on knowing about our sexual encounters. it was horribly embarrassing. i’m sure you didn’t tell them the whole truth either. they would treat me like i was the one who was doing something wrong, so really idk what you said, or why they were acting like that. you didn’t actually care for me, you cared for the feeling of being wanted. the attention. i gave you exactly what you wanted. looking back, i feel so stupid. i thought you were different. i thought you meant it when you said “i love you.” like everyone else, you never did. you just loved the idea of me. looking back, you only said “i love you” to me when we were doing physical things. never in the middle of doing something random, always when we were in bed together. maybe the reason i was so scared to have sex with you was because i was scared once we did that would be the end. i was scared of the intimacy because i didn't fully trust you would be with me after. i would have given you literally everything you wanted. god and if you truly loved me, you would have tried a little harder or even tried at all i should say. i have said that over and over, and you try to reverse it to make me feel bad by saying “is that what you really believe?” now that i’m not so goddamn invested in you, it is exactly what i believe. people fall in love and work hard to stay that way, they don’t give up. this generation is so fucking lazy when it comes to love. any minor inconvenience and that’s it, to the curb. being with me is challenging i know that. i never expected this to be easy. i know i have a lot of issues and a lot of baggage, but you are so fucking stupid. you had someone who genuinely loved you, cared about you, and would literally have died for you. i would rip my heart out of my chest and give it to if it meant you would live. i could have given you the world and i would have. i don’t care if it’s supposed to be the other way around, i just wanted you. none of it was enough, though. none of it. and it never was going to be. you said i was everything you were looking for in another person, but obviously i wasn’t. it’s easy to say these things over a phone. it’s easy to make pretty words and phrases. easy to send well thought out paragraphs expressing exactly what you want to say. i would say all of this to your face if i could. i would say it all exactly how it’s written as well. for weeks i’ve thought about what i would say to you if i had one last chance and it was none of what i’m saying now. it was always “i’m sorry can we please try this? you’re someone i could be with forever. you’re someone i would want to be with forever. let’s just try please because being without you is killing me.” i feel sorry for that version of me. one day i hope you get what you gave. karma is a mighty fine bitch, and she will get you. i’m done with this. completely and utterly done. i am finally fucking over it. i am over you and all of the lies that you fed me. i feel so sorry for myself for trying so hard to keep you in my life. i should’ve just let you go when you wanted. all of the nights i laid awake crying. all of the memories that kept me from letting go. not being myself these past few weeks, all of the people i have lied to about this. breaking down in the middle of a store because something made me think of you and miss what we had. the nightmares i’ve had that something happened to you. raging emotions, all of it all for you. tearing myself over and over trying to figure out what i could’ve done differently to keep you in my life, all of it because i so desperately wanted you. i feel so fucking sorry for putting myself through that. i didn’t deserve that. you’re not worth it. you never were. i should’ve just been done at spring break when you were with all of your other females. i was so fucking stupid. we didn’t actually have anything. just physical attraction. i was fun. i wasn’t important. months of fun and playing right into your game. you were never different, you just knew exactly how to play me because for the past three years a girl has been playing you. she played you over and over. you told me you never wanted to do what she did to you to anyone especially me, but i have news, you did it to me. only you did it a thousand times worse than she ever could have. every person that has ever hurt me combined could not equal the pain that you’ve cause me. you will feel that pain and when you do, i’m so sorry because it will be some of the worst feelings you have ever felt. and for your sake, i hope you’re a lot stronger than you are now. because right now, you are a fucking coward. 

[unproduciblesmackdown]

you know, i’m actually a sort of quick tempered? hot tempered? person, and only recently am i like oh wait that’s alright. obviously sometimes its a good idea to take a breath first, but not being infinitely patient is okay and it’s not even necessarily bad being irritable. and it’s a lot better to maybe speak too heatedly every now and again and be able to be like “hey sorry” afterwards is better than eternally having to shove being angry down and never using your voice and not telling people if you’re bothered by something

also anger isn’t even nearly always bad. never being angry shouldnt be an ideal imo. like, to never have to be angry would just be really impossibly lucky. and to not have a capacity for anger is like ??? the full spectrum of emotion is best. each one has their purpose and place and effect

and there’s another thing going on where tbh when you’ve been abused longterm, usually you have to learn how to be angry. an abuser deserves to warrant anger, yet uses that anger as “justification” for further abuse. standing up for yourself is just framed as inciting conflict, as if conflict in and of itself is a violence. see: when this is used on a broader scale, like say an organized violent intent is met with defense, and the defense is blamed for wrongly causing conflict. anyways. your own anger isn’t allowed when you’re abused. and you can’t even show anger at something other than your abuse, if you wanna be “safe”—although there’s no rules which will always protect you—b/c you constantly have to be attempting to keep your abuser/s placated and in a good mood and not draw extra attention to yourself.

and what’s a big mystery to me why people seem to consider the two options for someone’s who’s been wronged to be “forever actively planning the ultimate revenge to destroy those who wronged you” and “total and permanent forgiveness of those who wronged you.” like ffs i’m not forgiving everyone i’ve ever met, and yet that’s not really a huge effort? if you’re in a good relationship with someone, yes, you’ll both need to forgive each other various things inevitably and probably somewhat often. everyone is gonna wrong everyone else. but that’s a good relationship—some things can be intolerable. you can choose you don’t want a relationship to continue. you don’t have to forgive everything, and it’s not like that’s equivalent to being continuously simmering with rage. like, the people i won’t forgive? i usually don’t even think about them. the anger i have for them is more of a matter of fact, it isn’t like i have to feel its full extent every time i think of it. its something i Know. and i don’t feel i need “revenge.” i need these people out of my life, and that’s what i have. don’t tell people they have to forgive their abusers. and abusive behavior doesn’t even always only occur in a personal relationship. you can even Not Forgive people who you’re still like, friends with and shit, if “forgive” means “forget about something and always say It’s Okay about it.”

basically “not forgiving” doesn’t have to mean “holding a grudge every waking moment of your life”

and you know, anger can be and is a good thing. anger is a gift, anger is power. anger is what you feel when you’ve been treated wrongly. by people or tbh just by life. anger means you know you deserve better than what you got.

and obviously not ALL anger is golden. raging all the time over minor inconveniences? probably not good. some total ass going on a power trip at someone in customer service? cis dude’s rampant entitlement and inability to parse and deal with their emotions and translating all that into anger-fueled violence? not good. but that kind of anger isn’t derived from someone knowing they deserve to be treated like a person. it’s the anger of someone who believes they inherently deserve more than other people, who they consider lesser, and thus react to that expectation not being fulfilled.

and you know, people talk about anger being exhausting? it can be, if its being felt in full as an emotion without end. but tbh that doesnt mean a righteous anger is bad. it means that people need breaks from their stress, whether that stress is necessary or not. people who have to deal with stress regularly, e.g. on the job, ideally should be making sure to specifically set themselves apart from that at some point every day to relax and recharge and get some time outside of that framework.

and like, not everybody gets to do that, and lots of stress longterm does take its toll, and thats not currently unavoidable and that is totally shit. like, idk, when people talk about needing to Log Off for a bit simply because the news feed is too stressful. and that’s totally fine, being able to destress is good, see above. but that’s a luxury and a privilege. for every headline, there’s people who are living some disaster, or can’t stop thinking about this awful thing for a minute even if they tried. of course that’s bad for them. but they can’t just separate themselves from what’s going on, because they don’t have a choice, it’s happening to them, it affects them directly or too closely. and that’s not something theyre doing wrong. its a further way something wrong is being done to them.

what else am i talking about here. hmm. anger can give you energy and power. and it doesn’t have to be driven sheerly by pain, even if its caused by it. that pain comes from an infraction of justice, ideals, values, etc. anger can be that belief in and desire for justice/ideals/values. it can be a sense of defense/protection for yourself or others. it can be strength and the drive to stop the pain that necessitated the anger in the first place.

what else am i talking about! hmm. i dunno. don’t tell abused people they need to learn to stop being angry to heal or whatever. “lack of conflict” isn’t the highest ideal or sole indication of a truly good, healthy situation. anger can be great

[bootandbradford]

Can you do a 50 facts about me

Wow 50 facts honestly seems like a lot 😬 But I’ll give it a try. I’m not that interesting of a person tbh but I hope you enjoy this anyway.

1. I am college student majoring in Psychology with minors in Sociology and Spanish2. I’m fluent in Spanish and love to annoy my friends and family by speaking it at inconvenient times 😉3. I have one older brother and sister4. My favorite color is lilac 5. I wanted to be a chiropractor when I was younger6. I can sing and dance moderately well7. I graduated in the top 20% of my high school class8. I have three cats that I mention all the time bc I’m a crazy cat lady9. I absolutely cannot stand when people tap their silverware on their plates or on the table10. I am very superstitious and always wear all black on any Friday the 13th11. My dream job is to be a neuropsychologist, if I was any good at chemistry I would go to med school and be a neurosurgeon but 🤷🏼‍♀️12. I absolutely love anything and everything with peanut butter, seriously I’ve eaten spoonfuls of it on multiple occasions 😬13. I really want to travel abroad in the next couple of years14. I love volunteering and my favorite place to volunteer is at nursing homes15. I prefer Apple products to Microsoft products16. I try my hardest not to lie too often bc I try to be as honest as I can17. I used to play the piano when I was younger18. I’ve read so many books that I literally can’t even count how many I’ve read in my lifetime. Honestly ask me about any book bc I’ve probably read it 😂19. I like to organize things20. I have a post card collection from the places I’ve visited21. I have never smoked a cigarette in my life and I never plan to bc I’ve had multiple family members die from lung cancer22. My favorite day of the week in Thursday, I don’t really know why it’s just usually the best day of the week for me23. I love Disney and Pixar movies so much, they always cheer me up when I’m feeling down24. I love spring and fall but I can’t stand summer and winter25. I’m totally in love with nature and would love to be a photographer for National Geographic if the opportunity ever presents itself to me26. I rarely ever carry cash on me, idk why really I just prefer to pay with my debit card27. I’m an atheist even though it went to church for years when I was younger28. I tend to mumble a lot when I’m nervous or talk way too fast29. I have a lot of scars on my body and I used to be very self conscious and hated when anyone mentioned them but now I don’t mind talking about them30. I’ve never been a fan of selfies bc I’ve never really liked how I look in pictures 31. I played tennis during high school and I miss it a lot32. Speaking of tennis I dislocated my right wrist during a match and it still clicks sometimes when I move it 😳33. When I was younger I played soccer and was pulled out of multiple games bc I was being too aggressive 😬34. I love to correct everyone’s grammar bc little mistakes drive me crazy35. Almost every year on birthday there has been a snow storm36. I’ve never watched a single episode of Friends despite many of friends wanting me to watch it 37. I’m absolutely awful at math like I’m so bad that I still count on my fingers38. I love breakfast food and can eat it at anytime of the day39. I almost failed my drivers test bc I was so nervous and cautious that I made bunch of small errors40. I’ve watched the entire Glee series at least 10 times 41. Private Practice is better than Grey’s and that’s the real ☕️ 42. I listen to music almost all day bc I hate silence43. I love to walk around with my friends44. I watched seasons 1-10 of Grey’s in three months between the hiatus of season 11 and 12 bc that’s when I started to watch regularly 45. My favorite food is fettuccine alfredo 46. I have great relationships with both of my parents47. I have really bad insomnia and can stay awake for more than 36 hours when I can’t sleep48. I do yoga once a week, sometimes more depending on how stressed I am49. I meditate bc I makes me feel very relaxed and at peace50. I’m lactose intolerant and it makes my life kinda hard sometimes but whatever I’m still going to eat my ice cream when I want to 😂

[saferforeveryone]

I’ma just have to rant about some intersectional queer bullshit I’ve been dealing with today. Poor @cabloom is an actual saint and supported me through this fuckery, now I just need to rant it out for my own sanity. 

in short, the cis queers near me really value their convenience over their noncis sibs comfort. it’s juicy if I’ve even expressed it properly through built up rage tbh.

I’m part of an LGBT sports group in my city. if you’ve seen any of my history you might know that I box and MMA, and this is a group like that. it is LGBT members only in order to create a safe space (ie: no pics without consent, private social media groups, etc), and hands down the best queer and most trans inclusive group I’ve ever participated in. 

so we’re all chill and get along awesome, great community, and a large portion of the group is trans/NB/NGC because this is possibly the only group in the city which not only lets you choose a changing room but significantly also allows you to give your pronouns at the beginning of every session. myself and some of my pals - we joined purely because we don’t pass and this was a place where we could actually give our pronouns and have them respected. that is very, very rare where I am. we loved this place.

then a couple weeks ago (I’m simplifying the circumstances to obscure ID, but they were purely external and irrelevant to the fuckery) the venue changed management. 

after a couple of weeks of silence - during which most of us didn’t attend because we didn’t know what was happening - we got a message from the powers that be. to summarise: group structure is exactly the same, but they ‘polled members’ (nobody has any idea when and where, no answers given) who said giving pronouns is unnecessary so they won’t do it anymore. 

a massive part of this group appeal and what made it so special is that it was actually trans inclusive. most lgbt spaces - even the ones which say they are - aren’t, but this really was. and suddenly it was gone.

I’m lucky - I’m a Simple Trans with support who is secure in his identity and a pissy little fuck, whereas most of my sibs in the club have it worse and have less energy to spend on this shit - so I spoke up. repeatedly. I politely outlined objections to this change of policy in terms of personal experience and knowing the xp of others, explaining why defining pronouns was so important to us. the majority of the group members who even saw it because social media expressed support for this. we overwhelmingly objected to this change.

and the response we got from (notably, cis) powers that be was: lol I’m terrible with names and forget them all the time so giving pronouns is just wasting time because everyone will just forget them too.

the overwhelming official response from management was: we have a ‘safe space policy’ (never mind this has never been actually defined, and people are telling them its ineffective), wrong pronouns are not a big deal because mistakes aren’t malicious (nobody on management has ever had to correct a pronoun), it’s more of an inconvenience for our mostly cis group to spend 60secs giving our pronouns than it is for you ~others to correct perceptions later. 

the very nearly spoken - but significantly unspoken - implication was: if you don’t like that, you can leave. effectively meaning all the trans/NB/NGC people left the group.

idk if I’m explaining this clearly enough because I’ve been so embroiled all day and I’m bewildered and frustrated but goddamn. I spent all day being talked over by cis people explaining to me how it’s not a big deal to be misgendered and I’m so done so this is as clear as I get rn. 

I’ve ranted at my beloveds numerous times and I’m still pissed as hell. a place I really thought was the promised land of being able to be non-passing trans in public turned out to be another vestige of This Is Minorly Inconvenient To The Cis and I’m just. I’m so tired. 

this wasn’t a ~someone seeking discrimination, it wasn’t a ~minor infraction, this was a massive part of my queer social life - and the queer social life of numerous other adults - basically telling us to fuck off because we aren’t wanted. this was a queer club changing management and the only rule they changed was about giving pronouns and letting trans/etc people feel comfortable.

their 60 seconds of convenience outweighed our comfort by a mile. and they did not give one single shit.

I am so. fucking. done. 

[survivor-iceland]

Ep. 7 - “my dreams are never wrong - Zoe

Stephen

Odd round, Merge, yay, then immunity, double yay. But everyone being really quiet and not a lot of drama? Makes me wonder if the drama is happening away from me, and about me :/ Joseph seems to be the vote, and im hoping that its the right move, i just worry that john and zoe are in an alliance with people from the other og tribe. Just a feeling.

Maynor

So the target tonight is going to be Sierra. But Sierra thinks that the target is Joseph. It kinda sucks but I dont see Sierra being a good ally for me because a little paranoid. Like i heard they told Joseph they were the target. Who tells the “target” they are the target? There are many alliances that i may not be in but I love that Timmy is in them cuz he tells me everything and i tell him whats happening on my side. No one really knows we are actually working together. Like Dylan forgot Timmy was in Kalokairi 😂😂 only person who would be a huge dangerous threat is Stephen because he knows of me and Timmy playing together in Kuwait. Right now the first two targets are Sierra and Stephen. Stephen saved himself by winning immunity. Congrats to him. I feel like he could be a good number but at the same time he’s a play that “goes with majority cuz doesnt want to vote in minority” so he wouldnt want to make a risky game move when it has to be done. I need people who are willing to.

Dylan C

andjskdbakdb this is late af because I’ve been at a family event all day but anyway. Uhhh short version is that there’s the Sierra vote, with Joseph as the decoy that got kinda messy but I think it’ll succeed in the end? Every time I messaged someone outside Mental Gymnastics I just outright lied and played dumb, and acted like no one had told me anything about that vote. Idk how many people believed that, and if it was actually useful but that’s what I did. 

Raffy

I am glad that Sierra left and that the vote went smoothly. Apparently, Sierra was really pissing John off at the latter half of the round. They were calling John and Zoe suspicious and shady which is true, but they don't need to know that. Not only that, but Sierra was giving me fake info and tempting me into saying a name the whole day. I was giving them basically zip and keeping my mouth close. They were definitely trying to rat me out. So, I am glad that they are gone. Finally, Joseph was apparently paranoid till the end. So, I need to keep an eye on him.

Stephen

Yeah johns a snake :/ basically he didnt get to vote out sierra when cormac went, and now he flipped at merge, basically handing the other tribe majority. Now, I’m not a tribe-loyal maniac, but i must say itd be kinda dumb for him to flip without a solid alliance already established. So either johns an idiot as well as a snake, or hes always been a snake, but there are snakes on the other tribe too :/

Raffy

I decided to pair up with Timmy because I feel like we could work well together in this challenge. I am concerned with Stephen and Joseph, however. I definitely do not want them to win, at all. It would boost their egos, plus if Stephen wins then he'll dodge the vote again. Also, I don't want Zoe/John to win because they would be the most likely to get idoled out instead of me if Stephen uses one. So, there's that. Here's to hoping I win this challenge. Sierra dropping does not concern me in the slightest. That's just another person who I don't have to worry about coming back into this game.

Dylan C

On call with Mental Gymnastics. ideally if things went our way, out next boot order would be Stephen, Joseph, Ellie, and then Keith/Maynor (no one really specified. probably Maynor first). Assuming people don't get immunity at inconvenient times lmao. Also, it's gonna be fun when we get someone back from EoE. It'll probably be Jack, who will probably have grudges against old Melrakki so us old Ulfur can manipulate that hatred to our advantage (wink wink, nudge nudge). and all of this is assuming that this alliance actually holds solid through the rounds. Will it? And then we have to vote each other out? Or will we turn on each other? All of this is subject to change round by round as in any game.

Raffy

I can imagine that Stephen is going to stay pissed at Zoe and John since they blindsided him pretty hard. Hopefully, that'll keep me safe for a few rounds since they will serve as meat shields.

Maynor

It’s a little wild how im able to make people believe that I’ll do whatever they say. Zoe told Timmy, “I have Maynor. He’ll do whatever i tell him.” Im like so you think. Hopefully Im able to get people to get rid of Zoe soon. This is why I want to win immunity so i can save Stephen because if we lose, he’ll be the target and I need him to stay in because only one i know that would go after zoe and john. 

Raffy

Yesterday, I received some interesting information from Joseph. He sees John and Zoe as a power couple, and he is thinking about voting against them in this round if they do not win immunity. To me, this is a good sign as this can be used for whenever I decide to turn against them. I also see them as a power couple that is dominating the game currently. I guarantee that if we did touchy subjects, one of them would receive Most Likely to Win. However, I do not want to make that move right now. I am sitting in a comfortable majority, and, if I turn my back on it, I belong to no side, becoming a pariah. Which mean, if no one wants to stir the pot, I would be the easy vote. I know that they have Keith and Maynor. I know that I could convince people on Ulfur to vote with me, but it needs to be at the right time. Especially if EoE is still in effect. The only person I've told this to is Timmy, and, hopefully, that information stays sealed. I don't want John to freak out on Joseph and a) create a bigger target for himself and b) shift the target from Stephen who I do not talk to.

John

today has been damage control time. stephen got burned by me especially on that sierra vote, and i need for him to feel secure with me moving forward. granted, he is a threat, and probably will be targeted if he loses immunity, but hopefully me going to him before the challenge is over is more believable than had i approached him after the challenge.

Maynor

Ill start by saying ❤️ Jay. So i finally finished the idol hunt and in the last puzzle i saw Dylan’s name cuz they were signed into their account. So im like 👀👀 dylan might have found something. So need to be careful there. And the challenge i hope stephen’s poem will get us the win. 😊 i really dont want him to go. My roommate says Hi.

Stephen

Me, looking at Maynor doing very little for this challenge >:( Google translate: Great Lovers I’d never thought I’d say this but I think Google Translate is shipping Me and Maynor. We’re Google Translate’s OTP

Raffy

John claims that he is doing damage control with Stephen. His plan sounds legit, but I doubt it would mean anything. Giving people a false sense of security makes them bitter towards you in the end. Ellie says that Joseph still believes I voted for him which sucks, but I wouldn't trust Joseph with a baby doll let alone my game. So, I guess this works out in the end. I am affirmed that Ellie is working with me because she was going on about how no one realizes that we are working together. 

Joseph Collins

Me and Kieth were on this metaphorical sit-out bench which could mean trouble for us. People might think I’m comfortable which is when people go home. Womp womp

Stephen

So this game has gone weirdly for me. I dont tend to function well in large groups, so the one world twist did not benefit me much. For others, it definitely worked, and I would be absolutely stunned if John Zoe Raffy and maybe Timmy did not have an alliance that had been around for a while. They’re just too confident and votes have seemed too spontaneous to not be planned by a strong alliance. So what do I do? I try and lay low, not force a new alliance or search for tea to be spilled, i sit and keep chatting and wait for someone to spill the tea on their own terms and try and pull my vote. Its risky, because if my name comes up I have no protection, and its also not a play im used to. But, if i dont try something new its unlikely ill ever win a season right?

Raffy

I'm so happy I won this immunity. It's the greatest feeling in the world to know that all my hard work paid off. This means that I do not have to concern myself too much about this vote, especially considering that we are splitting the vote 5-3 on Stephen and Joseph, respectively. Then, it does not matter who they vote for or if they have an idol. I think this is a great plan because I do not trust Stephen and I definitely do not trust Joseph. Our plan is this: Votes on Stephen: John, Me, Timmy, Ellie, Maynor Votes on Joseph: Zoe, Dylan, Keith Even if Maynor is not 100%, I know that Ellie and Keith will be. This means that the split vote will work no matter what with either Stephen or Joseph going. My job is to tell Ellie about the vote and get her on board. I think I can manage that. Zoe is talking to Keith, but I am also in his ear to make sure things go smoothly. I do not believe that he knows that Zoe and I are working together. I feel like a lot of people in this game think that I am someone who is in no alliances and just lost for the most part. That's wrong. I'm the person who's going to sneak their way to the end by playing dumb. In that way, people will underestimate me.

Joseph Collins

People want to blindside Stephen as if they power duo of John and Zoe doesn’t exist. We’ll see. I’m gathering my troops

Raffy

Ellie confirmed with me that she is voting for Stephen which is good. I talked with Keith, Maynor, and Joseph throughout the day. Keith knows about the split vote which I thought was weird because I thought we weren't telling anyone outside our alliance, but that is fine. I just played dumb because I do not want anyone knowing that I am working with Zoe or John at the moment. Maynor and I talked about the vote a little bit. I was just trying to confirm what Zoe and John told me about him wanting to vote Joseph. What I found is that this was true for the most part. I'm playing up the part of the person that's unsure and out of the loop to him. He told me Zoe mentioned both Stephen and Joseph. Honestly, I wish EoE would just be over soon because convincing both Keith and Maynor may be harder than I thought considering that Zoe has them wrapped around her finger. I am attempting to tell Joseph that Stephen threw out his name which is true. I'm hoping that Joseph will take the bait and vote out Stephen instead of his little plan to vote out Zoe/John. 

Timmy

A whole lot has been happening this round. So Raffy’s plan is to get Stephen to go and then split the votes between him and Joseph. Maynor wanted Zoe or John gone or to get rid of Joseph instead which is what it looks like it’s coming to. Sometimes I hate being in the Mental Gymnastics alliance because I think I’m on the bottom, so bc I’m in it I’ll be seen as a goat in the end since I’ve been quiet. My org mistake is being a crackhead too early but someone is still coming back so idk what might happen. If Dylan R participates, he has a good chance at coming back since he’s good at challenges. Who knows what will happen after tribal but I expect no matter what that things will be wild.

Maynor

I have become a crackhead. This tribal is going to be an interesting one. If this vote goes according to plan then. 👀 EllieApparently Zoe wants and Stephen-Joseph split with more on stephen. Guess who’s gonna be on Joseph damage control again!

John

this vote could go so wrong hahahahaha. i really wish it was joseph that was the target instead of stephen. but, i had to do it for the alliance. too early to go rogue.

Dylan C

God I'm so bad at confessing in this game. Oh well. My alliance is coming up with a plan to vote Stephen, but is splitting votes onto Joseph in case of an idol play. I don't actually know what is going on too much because I've only been skimming the messages and haven't been talking strategy with other tribe mates as much as I should have. But also? I've been out here living my life and hanging out with friends so it's worth it.

Dylan C

expect a video confessional some time soon when I actually get the chance to film and upload it

Maynor

It looks like I might be out for the count. Joseph isnt responding to me but he’s online. He is also being very shady. Feel like he leaked stuff and it is going to be me tonight. Might just be paranoid but everytime i feel like this i get voted out and it has happened everytime. Ill be sad if i am voted out. I tried so hard but o well. Im still hoping plan works out and everything would be okay but josephs behavior isnt helping anything. Just in case. One last ❤️ For Jay.

Timmy

We gettin out Zoe tonight! It's lit peeps. Honestly I'm definitely screwing myself over with this, but that's the fun of survivor....gotta take shots and regret taking them rather than regret not taking them to know what happens. Truly it's the crackhead in me. All credit goes to Maynor on this one because he really supplied the crack today to make a move and i couldn't be prouder of him. With that information and everything set, I made the alliance to make things solid and so I can get further along in the idol hunt :)

Timmy

I FOUND AN IDOL!!! AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO SLIDE PUZZLES!!! I feel so much more comfortable with my cracked energy now because of this. I feel a sense of safety, although that could also be because I'm immune tonight due to the challenge. So yay! But this secures my safety for if I come in last for a challenge again.

Maynor

It might be happening. Im crossing my fingers. Im scared. 😳

John

raffy scares me. yeah i’m in an alliance with him but he’s really showing he has mental prowess in this game. and that’s dangerous.

Zoe

I'm feeling so paranoid. I had a dream last night that Raffy orchestrated a blindside against me, and everyone on the tribe was on board with it. He must have triggered some strange internal awareness in me because I don't trust him at all anymore-- and my dreams are never wrong.

[rimalupin]

50 More Interesting Questions

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

Thank you for tagging me @theempresskaizer & @kakihoden! :D <3

1. What kind of food can’t you stand?: Anything fermented. Like, ew. Also brussel sprouts (Then again, I have yet find someone who can cook brussel sprouts “well.” :b)

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick?: Public transit schedules. They’re so darn inconvenient (And yet I’m commuting for the remainder of my uni career. At least I’m saving money..?). -.-’

3. Have you got any useless talents?: I try to make use of my talents, so I’m gonna say no. :b

4. If you could be really really good at one thing, what would it be?: Taking (good & worthwhile) risks because I’m always so darn careful so I end up not trying new things sometimes.

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking: ALL THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY I KNOW AND LOVE. <3 Oh, also Emma Watson, Gal Gadot, Shawn Mendes, Tom Holland, and all the other celebs I tend to fangirl about (I can’t name them all rn, haha sorry~. :P).

6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid?: Singing all the Disney songs (Which I still do nowadays, haha~.). I would also read books, write my own stories, and act as if I was on a Disney Channel show (I was quite the Disney fangirl back in the day. xD)

7. What is something you’re proud of?: My friends who are just starting college/uni this year. Most of them are already setting up their dorms and getting ready for classes. They’re growing up so fast! :’)

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate?: Dishonesty. I don’t associate with phonies.

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower?: I’m a bit of both. Then again, being a follower makes you a kind of leader: you essentially lead people to follow your leader, if that makes sense Okay I’ll shut up about leadership theory sorry y’all. :P

10. What kind of student are/were you?: The diligent one (but people often claim I’m the overachiever even tho I’m not always a straight A student lololol).

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life?: Ohhhhh yes. This kind of thing has happened to me many times (In like the best ways possible, thankfully.).

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion: Being alone/left out (Even though “I’m never really alone” ((Which I know I’m not. Hence the “irrational” part of this particular fear/aversion.)).)

13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable?: Yup. Plenty of ‘em.

14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties?: I don’t drink... Yet. My Canadian friends are trying to get me to drink with them since I’m now legal in Canada but I’m scared heeeeeelp. :b I’m usually the wallflower if I don’t know anybody too well at a party. However, if I find people I’m comfortable hanging out with, I’ll stick with their squad throughout the event, talking, eating, dancing and taking pictures/SnapChats to our hearts’ desires~. ^-^

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone?: Nope. I have to get to know the person before I “fall in love” with them, let alone having a crush on them. Which is why the biggest crushes I’ve had were on some of my closest friends. But I’ve never told them because I didn’t want to risk our friendships IDK I’M A NOOB WHEN IT COMES TO LOVEY-DOVEY THINGS. :b

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends?: One close friend. <3

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak?: Neat-freak. Definitely a neat-freak. xD

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy: 

Both of these locations are places where I’d have more than enough room to move or think. ^-^

Outdoors: Somewhere near the sea, where I could feel the sand on my toes, hear the waves splashing onto the shore, smell the ocean breeze, and watch the orange sunset glowing along the horizon.

Indoors: An empty practice room. Wooden floors, large mirrors in front of the room, dance barres along the side walls, a few windows displaying the outside world, and a speaker/stereo system perfect for blasting the music around the room.

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday?: No kids atm, but I love working with them! Yes, I’d like kids someday~.

20. What was your favorite book as a child?: I read many books as a wee child. But one book I can clearly remember is Stellaluna. It’s an adorable story about a bat who discovers who she truly is thanks to both her adoptive and biological families (The former being a family of birds and the latter being a family of bats.).

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about: Fidget spinners. I’m still seeing people freak out about those things. Didn’t the trend die a month or two ago?

22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated: Myspace. *evil laughs despite the fact that I never had a Myspace account* :P Sorry I couldn’t think of anything else bahaha~

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose?: I mean, I’ve never met MYSME’s 707 IRL, so I’ll stick with him And we can visit his space station, haha~ ^-^

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday?: Act in a theatrical production. I haven’t done theatre in a year and I already miss it. T.T

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat?: I’ll definitely speak my mind if I’m well-versed in the topic and if I’m passionate about it. If I want to present a controversial opinion, I have to be sure that I can articulate my POV eloquently and professionally. I’m also more than willing to listen to the other side, as long as they fully know what they’re talking about (Frankly, I will not take any B.S. if I suspect B.S.).

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in?: I’m blanking... Yeah, IDK, but I’m pretty sure I got caught up in some kind of dumb fad back in middle school. *shivers b/c I don’t want to relive those years*

27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for?: When I was younger (like elementary/middle school-age), I dreamed of becoming a singer. In order to accomplish that dream, I joined my school and church choirs: however, that turned out to be a pretty toxic experience since almost everyone I was singing with treated every single practice and performance as a singing competition. Like, c’mon you guys: we aren’t on Glee. -.-’

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable?: Honesty: I admire people who are genuine and true.

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.): Books (people know I’m a huge bookworm), clothes (b/c I’m usually too lazy/don’t have time to shop for my own clothes, LOLOL), stuffed animals (I’m a child at heart and I love cuddly & cute things), sweets (especially chocolate).

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones?: 

English is my mother tongue.

I apparently used to speak Tagalog fluently when I was very young, but then I stopped speaking that language once I started preschool; however, I’ve picked up some terms over the years, so I can sort of dissect my parents’ conversations w/ the other adults (”Yes, Mom, I knew that you were talking about my uni stuff with Tita *insert name here*.” :P), plus I’m going to take a Tagalog 101 class in Autumn Quarter, so I’ll (hopefully) learn how to say complete sentences instead of just the names of foods, holidays, and Filipino Folk Dances. xD

I learned Spanish throughout my high school career, so I’m okay in that department even though I haven’t practiced speaking/listening/writing in that language recently. I’m still fluent enough to help my sisters with their Spanish homework, so that’s something. :P

I tried learning some French, Japanese, and Korean through various language learning apps, but to no avail.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside?: Can I choose like a little town instead? Big city: the countryside would be MUCH too quiet for me (Plus I’d be much too tempted to run atop every hill Sound of Music style and start singing at the top of my lungs - which would probably annoy a lot of people, myself included. :P).

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving?: Giles Christophe a.k.a my Midnight Cinderella bias. Ironic, huh? xD <3 Also Jumin Han from MYSME. :P

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else?: I will hide from the spotlight like I’m a friggin vampire unless there’s a damn good reason for me to be under it.

34. Favorite holiday?: CHRISTMAS!!!

35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously?: If I’m in charge of scheduling something, then I MUST have everything carefully planned. If I’m leaving the scheduling to someone else, then I’ll just go with the flow~.

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.): My first trip to Hawaii: I’d love to explore the islands and swim in its oceans again.

37. What hobbies do you have?: Reading, writing, singing, dancing, listening to music, playing the guitar or ukulele, checking social media (JKJK :P), drawing/arts & crafts (If I’m EXTREMELY bored), playing video games, watching TV/YouTube, exploring places both old and new Yeah, I do too many things, haha~

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have?: “Mildly useful?” (O.o) I guess the ability to learn things VERY quickly - like, master an activity on the first try. I actually have a friend with that ability, which has allowed him to almost effortlessly master almost every sport he’s ever learned: he’s basically a superhuman and I admire and envy him for his “superpower.” :P <3

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you: My age: people think that I’m much younger than I actually am, mostly because of my shorter-than-average height and my baby face. I’m basically an adult stuck in a teenager’s body. xD

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out: How to apply the Unit Circle to various math problems eff you precalculus and calculus never again ugggghhhhh.

41. Worst injury you’ve had?: My broken heart (JKJK, sort of. :P) I got burned by the metal tip of a very hot glue gun. Thanks to that, I have a tiny scar on my upper right arm.

42. Any morbid fascinations?: Does watching playthroughs of horror games through YouTube count?

43. Describe your sense of humor: Clever/witty, sarcastic, sassy. Oftentimes unintentional: jokes will usually come to me naturally through conversation. If we’re close, plenty of embarrassing stories, inside jokes, and horrible puns will be part of our daily doses of humor.

44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose?: I’d want to be born in Canada, mostly because I’ve got a lot of family living up there, plus I’d love to live in a place that isn’t completely messed up rn. #SorryNotSorryAmerica *crosses to the Canadian border like a badass*

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at: LOL, WHAT’S A SPORT? :b

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through: Freshman year of high school. I first moved to my new home that year, so being the new kid sucked for a while, but I eventually made some friends and found more opportunities to grow as a person (through writing and theatre).

47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.): Ugly tat. At least I’d have a place to hide it. xD

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist?: Realist. Leaning on the pessimist side. However, I do try to believe that things will get better, that there’ll be more bigger and better opportunities out there, etc. etc.

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you?: That I’m a hardworking and genuine person. Then again, I don’t do well compliments anyway: I’ll definitely blush and stutter and try to hide behind some kind of an object while complimenting you back. xD <3

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you: I’m often quiet and reserved when I’m meeting new people. Some may think I’m naturally calm and composed, others take it as slightly intimidating. But I’m just quiet because I’m awkward, plus I don’t usually start conversations. :b

Tagging: @princessofwysteria, @sukio-sakamaki, @allforthecrown, @o0w0o, @widzzicles, @rizosrojizos, and anyone who wants to do this! (I would’ve tagged more peeps, but I didn’t know if they had been tagged already. So please join in if you haven’t done this already~.). ^-^ <3