#It made zero fucking sense to let me hit second on my first hook

[moisette]

Okay.

This has happened twice. When the Killer downs me - I immediately spam right mouse button and I escape. I will take that escape since I got Tombstone'd in my first chase of my first match xD

This is the longest match I have had in a while. It is not super duper long but it felt like at least 30 minutes xD I tried to die so maybe Thalita got hatch but we can't have nice things apparently Bu Would you believe I played against another Knight the next match :D I don't like this Killer. I really don't. Playing against him feels like a chore. It feels like no matter what I do - I get fucked xD I would never be mean to anyone that plays him but I heavily considered going next the match after this one. I stayed in it because I love Jesus uX (the Jeff's name was Jesus)

Could you imagine if pallets did spawn like that xD

Enduring + Spirit Fury and Brutal Strength + Fire Up. Nice. I like his build xD I wanted to tell him I was a fan of his build but thought he would likely not see it because he might have been console...

He was monitoring the hook I was on and intercepted Yun-Jin when she came to save me. I fully expected him to go for me but he chose to hook Yun-Jin instead. I don't know why he would ever do that but it was nice of him xD I still died but that was a fun match. I've never really cared about playing Freddy or playing against Freddy - he seemed super fucking boring. It's still probably too early to tell but I've played against several new Freddies and it has not been boring - it's been pretty fun. I think it's because his power is interactive - you can react to it and try to dodge it. Kind of like Pyramid Head's power, I guess. I love playing against Pyramid Heads that try to go for snipes and I can try to dodge. That's just fun to me. Even if my reflexes are sluggish xD;

I also went on a ramble about not knowing what the yellow add-on was. I was like "Ladies, if any of you know how to use a flashlight - I have one where I died. It has...Well, that's a lightbulb and the other one... It looks like that one Silent Hill 2 monster... Was it James' wife? Yeah. I have a flashlight with a bulb and James' wife 8u

[hwangsies]

[10:24 pm]

johnny suh × female reader

warnings: a little angst, mentions of infidelity & heartbreak, johnny is whipped af, smut as in: fingering, unprotected piv, finger sucking, dom!johnny, begging, spit, some hairpulling, praise kink, size kink (cmon its johnny)

2.1 k words,

enjoy <3

-

You sigh and give up when the window you're trying to close doesnt move.

Three knocks on your door have you whipping around "yea?"

In comes johnny "hey, i just wanted to check on you"

You breathe "i cant get this window to close, i think its broken" you mumble.

"oh, no its always like this, hold up" he walks over to you, placing one hand on the window handle and the other on its frame before harshly pushing it close.

"there" he grunts, you gulp when sneaking a peek of his arms where his shirt has ridden up "now you dont have to sleep in the cold" he chuckles.

"thank you" you mumble as you walk over to your bed for now.

"you okay?" he frowns when you sit down on the edge of the bed.

"yea just-thanks again for letting me crash here, now that i'm kinda homeless" you chuckle ironically.

Your ex had kicked you out after finding out you did to him what he did to you, cheat.

You know it wasnt the right way to deal with it, but it just happened.

So naturally you had to bother your cousin, jaehyun, the only relative who lives close to you, if you could crash at his dorm for a few nights.

"of course y/n" johnny sits down next to you "we're all here to help if you need anything" one of his large hands finds your knee and you look up at him.

"did you come here just to check up on me?" you ask carefully, not wanting to scare him off.

The tall man sighs and runs a hand through his brown locks "i mean, we havent really talked since...you know" he gestures "and know he broke up with you because of it, and i just fee-"

"dont finish that sentence" you cut him off, locking eyes with him "he cheated on me first, and i know i shouldnt have been this petty, but you were just at the wrong place at the wrong time. its my fault, not yours"

"okay" he mumbles, nodding slowly.

"you didnt tell jaehyun? right?" you inquire.

He laughs "are you kidding? He would kill me" johnny shakes his head "i'm his best friend, i'm not supposed to seduce his little cousin"

"okay first of all, i'm not that little, and second of all i seduced you big boy" you joke lightheartedly, at which he scoffs gently.

Johnny was always a good friend who you just saw as another older cousin like jaehyun. But then that one night, a couple nights ago, arose and you were drunk and he looked so good.

And he was so kind and listened to your worries, even when you were probably slurring most of them.

Johnny himself didnt mean to get caught in this dilemma, he had driven you home after a long night of drinking on your end.

But when he brought you up to your apartment that you shared with your now ex, who was out that night; probably doing worse stuff that you, and you practically threw yourself at him, he couldnt tell right from wrong.

Not when in comes to you.

You deserve someone better than that, was what johnny thought, he still thinks.

Your words that made him stay the night are still ringing in his head.

'every girl would be lucky to have someone like you'

'I wish i had someone like you'

'johnny, i need you'

"johnny" you speak again.

"yea?" he gets ripped out of his daydream and looks at you, god even when you've been crying you look beautiful.

He wishes you could tell you that.

"can you hold me?" you ask sheepishly.

"just for a few minutes...please?" you add when he hesitates.

Johnny looks over at the closed door before looking at you again, you blink at him with those beautiful eyes of yours, slightly sucking your plump bottom lips in between your teeth.

Everyone had already gone to bed, but he's still aware of the fact that your cousins room is right above the spare room, the both of you are currently in.

"yea, of course" he quietly agrees.

Once laid down, he spoons you from behind, tucking you into the blanket.

He's trying not to think about the smell of your shampoo, thats clouding his loungs, or how small you are in his hold, or how much he wants to intertwine his fingers with your smaller ones.

"johnny?" you speak softly after some time, as if not to startle him.

"yes?" he mumbles just as carefully.

You inhale deeply before turning around to face him.

"hi" he smiles softly, with gentle eyes.

You mom always told to to fall in love with someone with gentle eyes, you never knew what that looked like until you looked into his.

"hi" you say back before slightly clearing your throat"i meant what i said that night"

"what excactly?" he asks "you said alot of things i didnt think you'd remember the next day"

You huff in a smile as you shuffle closer to him, he smells like his cologne and dry cleaning.

Its familiar and you feel safe, always.

"that i wish i had someone like you, and that i need you" you repeat your words from said night.

Johnny sucks in a breath "y/n"

"please" you lock eyes "i want you" you cradle one of his cheels in your hand.

"you're vulnerable and it would be wrong of-"

"but its doesnt feel wrong!" you interrupt him "does it?"

"no" johnny breathes out before he can think, which you take as your sign to press your lips to his, in almost the same desperate way as you did a couple nights ago.

He doesnt hesitate to part the seam of your lips with his tongue before sitting up in between you legs without breaking the kiss.

Quickly, you push yourself up a little to take off his shirt.

You mewl when his hand rubs you over your shorts and he kisses your neck, running your hands up his ripped torso.

"gotta be quiet baby girl" he whispers into the skin below your ear before sitting up.

"can you do that for me?" he asks while pulling off your shorts.

"can you be quiet for me?" you raise your hips as you nod at his request, him pulling off your panties as well.

"good girl" he praises, dropping a kiss to your knee. Your wet pussy awaiting him, already glistening in the dimmed lights.

"fuck" he groans when slowly sliding one digit through your folds.

A soft gasp tumbles from your lips and your toes curl.

Hooking your right leg over his shoulder, he gently pushes one of his long fingers into you.

Your back arches when he rubs your clit with his thumb before adding a second.

"that feels so good" you moan, gently rocking your hips.

"yea?" he grins, slightly scissoring his fingers to stretch you out for his cock.

His other hand travelling up your sweater and palming your breasts as he thrusts his fimgers into you at the perfect angle.

"johnny-fuck" you groan when the flicks on your clit increse in speed.

"gonna cum, baby?" he mumbles, dick straining against his sweatpants.

"yes-oh!" you moan out, at which johnny moves his hand away from your breast to hold onto your jaw.

"shhh baby" he grits through his teeth before pushing two of his fingers into your warm mouth.

You instantly moan around the digits, feeling your high approach rapidly.

"cum for me pretty baby"

One of your hands is pulling at the sheets while the other is holding onto johnnys forearm for dear life when you cum.

Your eyes screwing shut as your body thrashes with pleasure, white blooming behind your lids as he rides you through it.

"thats it, good girl" he gently massages your walls while you're still sucking on his fingers.

Johnny retreats both sets of fingers out of you, to pull you up into a stitting position.

You moan against him when he kisses you deeply.

Nimble fingers making their way to the hem of your oversized sweatshirt and stripping you of it when he breaks the kiss.

Pushing you down on your back again, his plump lips attach to your left nipple at which you moan softly.

"johnny, please" you whimper.

"mmh" his lips move to your neck, licking and kissing the sensitive skin there.

"I love it when you beg for me baby girl" he grins against your skin before pulling away to rid himself of his pants.

"sound so pretty saying my name like that" he mumbles before getting a good grip on your hips and flipping you over with zero to no effort.

You squeal when his hands pull up your hips, instinctively you prop up on your hands to see what he's doing, but he pushes your torso down again.

"fuck me, please" you whimper when he spreads your cheeks to get a good look at your sex.

"goddamm" you hear him curse before an obscene spit noice fills the room and you feel it splatter against your pussy.

You clench around nothing, which he sees and chuckles at before dipping his head and licking a flat stripe from your clit up to your opening.

"fuck-" your body jolts a little "please , john- fuck me"

"hmm, as you wish, love" your hole flutter once more at the petname before he pushes in carefully.

A groan tears from your throat, but you're quick enough to muffle it with the pillow.

"fucking hell- tight little pussy is not gonna fit all of me" he grunts as he spreads your ass cheeks again to see how tightly your walls are hugging him.

"more, please" you beg once more and he pushes inside of you all the way before quickly bottoming out.

"fuck" his voice is shaky and you feel a sense of pride come over you.

He picks up a good pace, his girth and lenght filling you up to the brim and hitting your spot with every stroke.

You moan and whimper into the pillow as johnny snaps his hips into you with an iron grip on your hips.

He feels the way you clench around him "you close baby?" he moans.

You lift your head to let out an affirmative whimper before he gathers some of your hair in one of his hands and tugs at the roots.

A whine leaves your lips before a second hand comes down to your breast and pulls your torso up and flush against his.

The arch in your back is uncomfortable but you barely feel it by the way he's fucking into you.

His hand leaves your hair in favour to cover your mouth, pressing the back of your head to his shoulder, when you yelp out at a paticular harsh thrust.

"come on baby, i know you're almost there" he rasps into your ear, the hand on your breats leaving in favor for your clit.

You groan into his hand when the pads of his fingers move over the sensitive nub at a fast pace.

You hold onto johnnys bulging biceps when you feel like you're about to explode.

"cream all over my cock baby girl, come on" his words send you spiralling into your second high of the night.

Your cries of pleasure get muffled by his hands, you feel your thighs trembling and ready to give out but he holds you up.

The overstimulation stets in and you jolt, pressing on his hand to move away from your clit.

The hand on your mouth moves as well before he bottoms out and flips you on your back again.

He looks sweaty but divine, muscles glistening in the faint lighting and some hair sticking to his forehead.

"wont last long anymore baby" he pulls you down slightly before pushing inside of you again.

You whimper and grab him by the neck, pulling him down to connect your lips as you wrap your legs around his waist.

His thrusts get sloppy as you kiss at his neck.

"cum in me, please johnny" you moan quietly into his ear, holding on to his shoulders.

His name on your lips makes him loose his composure, spilling his seed into you with a hiss and burying his face into your neck.

"i love you" he chants breathlessly before he realises that he's actually saying it out loud and not just thinking it.

Your body freezes when you hear his sweet confession.

"you do?"

-

a/n: turned a little more mushy than i had intended but oh well.

also not proofread yet, soz🤫

[carriagelamp]

Weirdly enough, I often find myself reading less in the summer, since I have more time than I do during the rest of the year to do other things. Also artfight has been eating up more than a bit of my free time! But here’s a collection a graphic novels I sat around on the hammock reading, and some novels I finished up...

(Everyone go read All Systems Red, holy crow guys)

A Whale of the Wild

The “sequel” to A Wolf Called Wander, though it doesn’t actually connect to the previous novel except in the stylistic/thematic sense. A Whale of the Wild is very much a standalone novel. And a pretty decent one! Personally, I think I liked Wolf more, but this one was a pleasant, informative read, with just the right amount of crushing dread sprinkled in. It’s about a young orca called Vega who is learning to become a new wayfinder for her pod but who still has a lot to learn, especially in an ocean that is becoming increasingly hostile to orcas and the other sealife that live alongside humans. When a devastating earthquake hits, Vega and her little brother find themselves separated from their family, lost in a now horrifyingly unfamiliar environment, and fighting starvation as the salmon that sustain them become more and more unreliable. It’s a desperate fight for survival as they search for food and their missing family. This book is written for a middle grade level, and does a really good job of putting the current environmental crisis into an animal’s perspective while giving the readers something to hope for.

The Adventure Zone: The Crystal Kingdom

Every July I eagerly anticipate the next Adventure Zone graphic novel. This one is for their fourth arc, The Crystal Kingdom, in which Magnus, Taako, and Merle respond to a SOS from a floating laboratory that is gradually being consumed by crystals and which threatens the entire world should it fall into the ocean. Carey Pietsch’s art continues to be absolutely fantastic, so beautifully and hilariously expressive, and this one delivers some great Merle moments, lots of Carey Fangbattle, and, of course, Kravtiz. Kravitz, my beloved…

Anyway, I obviously always recommend these. If you’ve never gotten into The Adventure Zone, I totally recommend either trying these graphic novels — or even better, just go listen to the podcast because it really is both hilarious and creates a shockingly good and heart-wrenching story by the end.

All Systems Red

I’ve seen The Murderbot Diaries on my dash occasionally, and it always looked interesting, but a friend’s recommendation finally compelled me to read the first novella of the series. And holy shit y’all. Absolutely the best book I’ve read this month, it’s amazing. Mind-blowingly good. Also, if you’re like me and want a good audiobook, it’s a nice three-hour listen, very chill!

Anyway, All Systems Red is about a Security Unit, an artificially created being that’s part-organic part-mechanical and all-company-owned-and-controlled. However, self-named “Murderbot” has managed to hack into the system that suppresses its own will, and is now coasting along, doing the least amount of work its job requires not to be noticed, while preferring to spend all its time watching the hours and hours of soap operas it has downloaded into its brain. And it’s a tolerable if somewhat dull life, until the science team that it's currently rented to is attacked and the whole mission goes pear-shaped. Suddenly Murderbot has to scramble to keep its humans alive… while its humans scramble with the realization that their “SecUnit” isn’t actually a mindless robot like they had all believed...

This story is both gripping and hilariously funny. Murderbot has such a unique voice and perspective and it’s an absolute pleasure to follow its story. I reallly need to read the next book...

Asterix and the Banquet

A classic. I was startled when I realized I hadn’t actually read this Asterix story… but hell I’m not gonna complain, it lets me read one of the originals for the first time again! In this Asterix volume, the Indomitable Gauls and the Romans end up arranging a bet — the Romans intend to keep them under siege, trapped in their village, while Asterix is confident that he can easily evade them… and will prove it by going on a tour around all of Gaul, collecting iconic foods from each region in order to return and put on a fine banquet. So we get a fantastic adventure in which Asterix and Obelix run all over the country, pursued the whole way, while making cheerful stops at the various eateries along the way. Also the first book Dogmatix shows up in! All around, a wonderful read, fun like all the best Asterix comics are.

Beauty Pop v4

A less impressive graphic novel. The first Beauty Pop is one of my guilty pleasure manga because… it really is pretty stupid but in the best possible ways. I mean, the whole thing is framed around hairstyling battles, like a shojo sports manga without the sports. It’s bonkers. Unfortunately, the series does not really manage to hold up, and it really begins to feel repetitive and dragging as it continues… as a lot of series like this do. *shrug* Unsurprising but still kinda disappointing I suppose. The building three-way romantic tension is mildly interesting if for no other reason than the main character Does Not Notice and Does Not Care about any of it, which is amusing and refreshing.

FRNCK v5

Now this series only gets better and better as it goes. This is the first book of the second arc, and somehow the danger just seems to be ramping up and up and up. The cavefamily have lost their home… as well as Léonard and Gargouille. Heartbroken, shocked, and angry, Franck is the one who ends up shouldering the blame for their presumed deaths as the others mourn. Things only get worse when Franck finds himself separated from the family, and in the territory of another tribe, this one hostile and cannibalistic...

Haikyuu v5

I continue to read this series because it continues to be charming… though it is beginning to feel, maybe, just a little repetitive. Kind of an inevitability with sports manga. But so far it continues to be good enough to overcome that. I’m not sure what I can say about this series that I haven’t already, so I’ll simply say it continues to be one of the most impressive sports manga I’ve read, and the author does a fantastic job of creating engaging characters, fleshed out teams, and really compelling relationships. I do genuinely adore all the main members of Crows, along with a number of characters from the rival teams as well. And of course it has some kickass volleyball scenes that are just drawn so dramatically they can’t help but take your breath away a little.

M*A*S*H Goes To Maine

Meh. The original book of the series was actually quite good in my opinion. This one… considerably less so. The first part I enjoyed more, since it was about Hawkeye, Trapper, Duke, and Oliver Jones trying to set up the FinestKind Clinic and Fishmarket in Crabapple Cove (which… is just the best premise I could have ever asked for). However, the book spends most of its time describing the quirky lives and times of other people living in the area and I… just… don’t care. It was funny at times but… I just don’t care. I wanted to hear more about the main cast. Also I found this book felt more racist and misogynistic than the first which also put me off :/ Wouldn’t bother if I were you. Go read the first book instead, or better yet just watch the TV show which is an obvious banger.

My Heart’s in the Highlands

I have had this on my “currently reading” list for so long but I’m officially giving up. It’s a really good book in theory but my god I can’t get over the pacing.

It’s about Lady Jane, a woman studying medicine in Edinburgh in 1888, and who suddenly finds herself back in the Highlands in the 13th century. Lost and confused, Jane is now at the mercy Clan Donald’s hospitality while she tries to adjust to this new world and hunts for her broken time machine. Fortunately, this hospitality include a burgeoning friendship with a red-haired warrior woman, Ainslie nic Dòmhnaill, who opens Jane’s eyes to the way the world could be.

Listen. It drives me nuts. This book should be completely up my alley, it has everything I like — IT HAS ALL OF ITS HISTORICAL FOOTNOTES CITED AT THE BACK, LITTLE EXTRA DETAILS ABOUT EVERY CHAPTER. THAT’S MY SHIT RIGHT THERE. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LIKE BEING ABLE TO GO OVER HISTORICAL DETAILS?? AND WELL RESEARCHED FOOTNOTES?? And yet it doesn’t. Fucking. Work for me. It has a kickass Scottish warrior lady as a love interest! It has a badass lady doctor! It has fish-out-of-water culture shock! But it also has a completely meandering plot, no sense of building tension, and a romance that just happens out of nowhere and feels completely unearned and uninteresting.

I would genuinely just rather read Outlander again, which I know has its own host of problems, but at least Outlander felt exciting and interesting and tense and funny. The romance built in fits and starts, it was complicated, and kept me interested. That book had me hooked (and has me hooked every time I reread it) whereas this book I’ve been sadly picking at for months like its a plate of overcooked spinach. This felt like an attempt at a queer, historically accurate knockoff which I would normally be super into but which just could not stick the landing.

Moomin on the Riviera

My first time actually reading anything from the Moomin canon. I have zero idea how to feel about it! It certainly is as feral as I’ve heard described! Overall, I think I enjoyed it but it sure made me feel strange emotions I didn’t know existed. I’m not even going to try to describe it. Read it if you want a batshit insane anti-capitalist comic.

Surviving the City

This was good in some areas, less good in others. It had a very interesting indigenous perspective on life in the modern city, the foster system, and The Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women issue, which I’ve never seen handled in a book before. Something about the pacing did not completely click with me and I found myself getting easily distracted, but it’s definitely worth the read just to experience it and look at the issues it deals with through the characters’ (and author’s) eyes. It did give me a lot to think about and wrestle with, which is sometimes the best thing a book can give you.

Torchwood: Pack Animals

A really fun read, more so than I had ever expected! If you like Torchwood and want more stories about the team before everything goes to shit, this is perfect for that. It includes the entire cast, an interest mystery to be unravelled, lots of slavering monsters, Rhys being really wonderful and sweet (which I didn’t know I wanted until I read this book), and all the humour I expect from Torchwood. I had to send a lot of quotes to my long-suffering girlfriend who a) does not watch this show but b) needs to tolerate it because I find it too funny to keep to myself. It was good enough to make me go out another book of the series since this was the only one my library carried.

[norgestan]

crisana, norandro, jorgeva and amira x dani

ha, anon just wanted all the canon couples. fair enough!

CRISANA:

see, skam s3 is my favorite season of all time, but it has never been because of the love story. isak's story hits in a lot of sensitive places for me, and isak was also the first main character i encountered that was my age. i have a really special connection to him for that reason. on the other hand... i enjoy evak for what it is, but i never saw a future for their relationship after the season ended. in a lot of ways, isak's season ended just as their relationship started, a trope that i've never liked because how am i supposed to think that they will last? how am i supposed to know how they will work as a couple? it's just, ugh.

i had similar thoughts about crisana when i watched s2, except that the love confession scene and cris as a character made it even harder to get into the couple. moreover, the way people brush other characters' roles and presence on other seasons because they're so caught up on cris and joana is like... blegh. like it makes me forget that they're actually a well-written couple at times. because imo, og they never did anything really interesting with evak once they got together. but eskam........ oh, dear eskam.

there's something so beautiful about thinking of all the girls, the teenagers that will grow up watching a relationship like theirs on popular media. their entire subplot (??? can i even call it that) in s4 is proof of how GREAT of a relationship they turned out to be. like, i just wanna SCREAM thinking about it because, how is it possible that eskam saw evak and said "we're gonna make this SO good and we'll take our time and then tie it up in an incredibly satisfying and emotional way" and then did exactly that!!!!!! the way they respect each other, communicate, genuinely try to get to each other without dumb miscommunication. the way they understand each other and lift each other up! the way joana knew how to recognize cris' intelligence when everyone was telling her she's dumb, the way cris knows how to make joana feel worth it and show her affection in such a selfless, loving way. their last scene on joana's pov in s4 was the first time i cried during that season, just because it was all wrapped up so beautifully. because eskam understood that although the appeal of their relationship comes from the soulmate status of every evak couple, they had to also put in serious work to make it all work and they also managed to get that across with grounded drama, and also a hopeful message for people struggling with mental disorders. like AAAAAAAAAAAAA god what a great couple they are. maybe i'm too much of an eskam bootlicker but they're genuinely the best evak there is. i'll die on this hill. i'm so happy young wlw get to watch them as a guideline of what they should expect of a relationship.

NORANDRO: already done :)

JORGEVA:

i mean... it's eskam's fault, without a doubt. i love what eskam did with them in s1: the change of pacing, the way they created jorge, the little story changes to make it more nuanced, i think come together in a pretty satisfying way to show a teenage romance with no real support to last for more than a while. i don’t think eskam fully got the gist of what jonas was supposed to be, but it’s for the better if we think of the message in season 1. for that reason, jorge is like the one jonas who i really wouldn’t mind coming back to his eva. so why don’t i like them?

the answer is simply that i don’t enjoy their trope and i don’t think eskam made a real case of eva and jorge getting back together. they work well as friends, sure, and it’s clear as day that jorge still has feelings for eva, sure. but like, what tells me that they’re just ready to go all in again? eva goes through a really great arc and i would definitely agree she’s in a good place to be in a relationship again, but we know NOTHING about jorge’s journey. he’s just, silently pining on eva and that’s it. i do think it’s sweet and the hints of their lost romance throughout the show are wholesome, but there’s just nothing more to it. jorge and eva work AMAZINGLY as friends! i don’t see why they should push a romantic endgame for them. in my head, eva kissing jorge at that party was just a mesh of the excitement of a new era, the nostalgia of ending highschool, the high of being on this place with someone she really cares about, stuff like that, but it just ends there, and it’s great that way. nothing about eva’s character really led to her aching to be in a relationship again, and for me it feels right to end things with her being single and surrounded by great friends.

MAYBE if eskam had devoted some time showing us their progress and romantic potential instead of trying to convince us that kasim was a real, compelling character. maybe. lol.

DAMIRA:

(god, i don’t know how long this will be LOL)

i have. so many thought about this fucking pairing. let’s see what we can do LOL. the thing about damira is that i don’t think it’s a pairing that eskam had in mind when they laid out the first two seasons. the little hints of a friendship/childhood crush that happened during cris’ season really got the fandom and they quickly became the most popular non-canon ship in the show, so that’s where i think eskam said “okay, let’s run with this”. but it’s just...... meh. like i can tell that relationships like crisana were carefully crafted (well implemented in nora’s season, greatly wrapped up in amira’s season) but i cannot say the same for dani and amira. it’s almost like virihugo, where they just started giving each other Eyes on the middle of season 3, out of NOWHERE. it just feels forced to me and so i never really felt anything for the couple in question... like, for starters, i think nora and miquel were WAY more shippable than those two, strictly talking about their setup.

if you ever saw any of my posts during s4 then you should know how i actually feel about how they developed their romance (check my anti damira tag for more?) and i don’t wanna go through all those specific points again... but damira is not only an infuriating romance, but also a bad pairing in a narrative setting. like, damira clearly exists to answer amira’s questions about how would the future of a romance with a white guy would be, right? does she get an answer? no she fucking doesn’t, their final clip is like “after all these weeks, we still have no idea so we’re gonna cut things short, go back to our initial dynamic, and wait to see if amira any of us change our minds <3″. so like, even in that sense damira is a HUGE waste of time, and just like everything that happens to amira during her season it has no lasting impacts on her character or her settings.

and personally, i love couples where they’re both equal, and communicate at last, and both make great efforts to change so the relationship can flourish. this is why i offer so much praise to norandro and crisana, where in the first couple both character go through tremendous character growth and work through their problems individually before getting together, and in the second couple they show them clashing and fighting just to display their resolutions and show how willing they are to actually talk to each other and keep their relationship stable. dani and amira, on the other hand.... blegh. eskam wants me to think dani is a knight in shining armor for liking amira but that’s all he ever does. he doesn’t defend her in front of his friends, he doesn’t make efforts to get to know her and her world, he doesn’t communicate his real feelings to her, and the one time he did he humiliated her in public. like, idk, like, even MIQUEL explicitly defended nora when his roommates berated her for not drinking alcohol LOL.

at the end of the day the problem with damira is that it completely misses the point of yousana and its target audience. making yousef a white guy is not necessarily a bad choice if you implement it well (which eskam didn’t do btw), but you have to take into account that sana’s season exists to make a primarily white christian-raised audience relate and stand up for the muslim characters in the show. when the lazier partner of the main couple who makes zero efforts to work on the relationship happens to be white, it just means people will be sympathetic of him, and nor amira - and that’s exactly what happened in the show. people either thought amira was being too harsh by laying conditions for dani before they even began dating and making sure he respected her boundaries, or just wanted all the drama to go away soon so amira could kiss dani by the end of the season. so like, yeah. terrible stuff.

i would’ve liked damira’s impact on the season and amira’s journey a lot more if it had been about a one sided childhood crush from amira’s part. i thought their friendship was charming up to s3, and i simply hate that dani is literally in no way an older brother figure for the girl squad, since it’s a dynamic that’s lacking in the show and it would be a nice way to make dani be some sort of non-creepy eskild for the girl squad (but noooo, his only interactions w the gs are hooking up with eva and dating amira. smh). it would’ve been fun to have amira intimately dealing with those feelings just to learn a lesson by the end of it, at the time that she also falls for her muslim love interest - which is actually the isak/jonas/even dynamic when you think about it, also something that eskam didn’t really do with cris’ season. but also, all of this would mean that eskam had to do the good writing thing for s4, which they kinda forgot to do throughout the entirety of the season so, yeah.

[xboxdudett]

So I heard you’d like a part 2...

@monster-bait @azureisgod

Your prayers have been answered, lmao! I opted to write this instead of my paper that’s due tomorrow, so I hope everyone enjoys. 😅 I’m contemplating stretching this into a multi-part piece and making it into like ‘he leaves without a trace and you run into him a few days later and the awkwardness ensues.’

Oh, and by the way, I was freaking out this morning because I realized that now I’m posting my own content, I can actually participate in my favorite month: Orctober!!! I’ve already started writing down plots for little stories that I can release every day of the month. 😂😂😂

And last but not least, thank you thankyou THANKYOU to all of the kind words of encouragement that I received on the first part of this. They all mean so much to me, as do all of the likes and re-blogs that you kind people bestowed upon me. THANK YOU!

NSFW below the cut!

Light filtered through the window, landing softly on your face. You slowly opened one eye, squinting in the light as you slowly drifted awake.

Letting out a small groan, you tried to shift so that the light wasn’t shining directly in your face but something around your waist seemed to be holding you still. Blinking in confusion, you glanced down in time to see the arm draped across your middle tighten its grip, pulling you back into a wall of heat.

You sucked in deep breath as the events from last night hit you. Flashes of memories from being fucked outside to then being flung onto your bed raced through your mind as you struggled to sit up. Your bed partner groaned and turned to look at you, confused as to way you were moving so much. Freezing, you realized that this was the first time you’d actually gotten a good look at them.

Dark brown eyes met yours, nestled under bushy black browns and seated in a face that looked like it belonged in the finest art museum. A sharp nose that was slightly crooked with a scar over it gave him a wild look, though you were sure his jawline was sharp enough to cut glass. Looking at his plush lips made you blush as you remembered the heat with which he had kissed you last night, and how that mouth had traversed your body.

Your eyes began to wander lower, taking in his broad shoulders and the way his collarbones pushed against his dark olive skin. His arms were corded in muscle in a way that was more reminiscent of hard work than something that had been created in a gym.

You’d just caught sight of a tantalizing little trail of black hairs that continued down, down, down-

“You know, my eyes are up here.”

Face catching aflame in a blush, you snapped your eyes up to find a smirk that looked wayyy too good on him.

Mouth hanging open and struggling to think of a response, you opted to just throw the sheets in his face and to flop back down onto the bed with your back to him.

Hearing a deep laugh, you felt him pull the sheet off of himself and throw it down towards the foot of the bed. His arms wrapped themselves back around your middle, and much to your embarrassment, you automatically shifted back into his embrace, his chest pressing against you.

You finally found your voice, saying, “You know, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do, mister.”

He groaned in response to your words, knowing that this would have to be discussed at some point.

But that didn’t mean that he wouldn’t try to avoid it for as long as possible.

Pressing his lips lightly against the back of your neck, he began lightly kissing across it, letting his warm exhales sweep across your skin.

You shivered as his mouth moved to your ear, feeling goosebumps break out across your body as he mouthed at the sensitive flesh. You leaned even more into him as his hands started to slowly roam your body, his palms smoothing over your skin.

Feeling an upwelling of shame fill your veins with icy cold dread as he pawed at your doughy stomach, you made to push away from him and jump up from the bed.

His arms might have of well have been made from steel for how they gripped you, not letting you move an inch.

“Oh no baby, none of that now,” was accompanied by a sharp sting to the side of your neck as he sucked a hickie into your skin. Gasping, you grabbed at his hands that were still on your stomach, pushing at them to let you go.

“My sweet little lamb, you are the finest treat that I’ve come across. Don’t think for a second that I’m not going to worship every inch of you. Now, are you going to let me treat you right, baby?”

Blushing furiously, you nodded your head, only to have your breath leave you in a gasp as his hand came down, smacking your ass.

“No no, precious. I need to hear you say it,” he said as he rubbed the spot where he’d just spanked you.

Caught off guard, you stuttered out “y-yes,” before you were met with a low growl that you’d become intimately familiar with the night before.

You barely caught the ‘good girl’ that was growled out as he turned your face back towards him, catching your lips in a deep kiss. As he began to slip his tongue into your mouth, his hands once against started to roam.

He traced your curves with his hand attached to the arm wrapped under you as the other moved upwards towards your heavy breast, cupping it into his rough palm once he reached it. Massaging it in his hand, he lightly traced around your nipple before pinching it between his digits, gently twisting it with his fingers. The gasp that you let out allowed him to deepen the kiss, encouraging you on.

Reaching behind yourself, you ran your hand down along his side, feeling your way down south. Upon reaching his bed of curls, you ran your fingers down the length of his hard cock.

He groaned as you wrapped your hand around it, feeling the weight of if in your palm. As you began to stroke, up and down, you marveled at how the velvety softness contrasted with the solid hardness within.

Bucking into your hand, he growled in your ear, “Such a naughty little lamb.”

Letting go of your abused nipple, he slid his hand downward over your stomach and in between your thighs. He hummed his approval as you shifted your legs apart, allowing him access.

Running his fingers through your curls, he massaged your mons. Deft fingers slowly made their way downward, until he was cupping your sex. Careful to avoid touching your clit, he began to work his fingers around your pussy, spreading your slickness.

Arching into his touch, you let an involuntary whine escape as you tried to get him to touch you where you wanted most. A dark laugh met your attempts as you wiggled your hips, vying for more friction. A light slap to your aching groin stilled you though, as he said, “Be still for me, and I’ll reward you.”

Groaning, you placated him by spreading your legs further and ceasing your incessant moving. Skilled fingers began moving up and down, tracing your labia and making sure that you were well lubricated.

Pleased at your compliance, he began tracing wide circles around your clit, slowly zeroing in until it was all you could do to keep from rocking your hips into his hand. Slowly but surely, he began to rub your clit, making your head fall back into the pillows with a happy groan.

Small circles were rubbed into your sensitive little nub until you were left panting and gyrating your hips with him, desperate for his touch. The small ember that had sparked to life in your lower stomach was now growing into an inferno, racing through your limbs and making your toes curl. Seeming to sense the twisting knot that was beginning to grow in your stomach, he removed his fingers from your clit, though before you could complain, he slipped one of them further down and to your entrance.

Pressing inside, he slowly began to rub small circles on a spot that had you quickly seeing stars. He pulled his hand back only to slip forward again, this time stretching you with two of his thick fingers while he rubbed your g-spot.

Realizing that you were moaning like some wanna-be porn star, you released your grip on his cock and opted to cover your mouth instead. Displeased with this, he bit the side of your neck hard enough to leave a bruise and tsked, saying, “Let me hear you. Let me hear how good I make you feel.”

You let go of your mouth, grabbing ahold of his other arm that was still wrapped under you and around your waist, holding you to him. In doing so, you were able to feel him reach down with it and take over the job of stimulating your clit as his other hand fucked you.

Unable to help it, you moaned and whined out loud while moving your hips against his hands, now desperate for release. Just as you were thinking that this couldn’t get better, you felt the press of his hard cock against your backside as he ground it against you, desperate for some relief himself.

Spreading your legs ever wider, you hooked your top leg back over his hip, giving him complete access to you. Desperate to cum and approaching the edge quickly, you began begging, “O-oh, please please pl-ease, I wanna cum! I’m so close, p-please.”

His answer came in the form of a low growl against the back of your neck and by pressing harder and faster into you.

You shook apart in his arms, riding out your orgasm as he continued to move his fingers. Feeling the pleasure break over you in waves, you moaned and gasped as your writhed against him.

Feeling his fingers leave you, you were about to complain when your words caught in your throat as he suddenly pressed his cock into your pussy from behind, your leg still draped over him. Still sensitive from the treatment he just gave you, all you could do was gasp and whimper as he set a brutal pace.

His hips slapped into yours, the sharp press of his hipbones so different from the pillowey softness of your thighs and ass. Reaching down and pulling your leg up even higher, he was suddenly able to hit that spot inside of you perfectly as he pounded.

Your pleas of “too soon” and “sensitive” slowly turned into cries of “more” and “please”. You rocked back into him in time with his wild beat, seeing your next orgasm on the horizon.

Just as his hips were beginning to lose all rhythm, his free hand once again found your clit, urging you on toward the edge as well.

Clenching down around his cock, you came again, just as he finished inside you. Slowly his hips stopped their assault, as he instead pressed into you and stilled. He released your leg and wrapped his arms around you again, holding you to him as you two remained connected.

Already feeling sleep tugging at you, you couldn’t help but snuggle into his heat as you drifted off with him still inside you.

[sochilll]

Thoughts about the deh movie? What did you like, what did you not like?

I have SO many thoughts and I’m sure other people are gonna explain them much better so I’ll give you a top 5 on each side. (Also I did make a long ass story highlight of all my thoughts on my insta @ be_more_sochill always be plugging). Under the read more cause it’s long and for spoilers!

Likes

Jared Kalwani does is gay! I think they handled it pretty well. They just switched an existing line bragging about a girl to make it about a guy and gay him a pride patch! The “honey” moment was…….. a choice. But I didn’t think it was a big deal considering the tone of that scene. All around it was fun n good and makes sense that it wasn’t a major plot point given that Jared’s love life isn’t relevant to the story

Alana gets feelings! There was a lot of Alana changes I didn’t love tbh. But I really liked the scene of her talking to Evan in the park. It was a good connection moment and showed that while Alana feels the same as Evan, she actually sees that feeling in others too whereas Evan thinks he’s the only one.

Maybe cheating to make these two points but: Anonymous Ones! I really liked this song. It was good as a song, miss Amandla Stenberg has a beautiful voice, and it was good character development. I am disappointed they missed the fucking PERFECT opportunity to show a clip of Jared during the school shots god that would’ve been so good. But anyway, I really liked the addition

They gave us a few little kleinsen treats such as: Jared randomly telling Evan he put on 13 pounds of muscle and hooked up with some guy, and of course, Jared looking at a video of Evan and Zoe and being visibly upset literally in the middle of Only Us. Chefs kiss thank you

I did like the new ending of Evan actually trying to learn about Connor. Reading his favorite books, reaching out to old friends, finding the video. I felt like that showed how everything hit him and how he actually did care about what they were doing. I really liked that he sent the flash drives to Alana and Jared too.

Dislikes

Evan (and everyone else) isn’t responsible for anything. Other people have already talked about this but they removed everyone’s agency pretty much until the only people making bad decisions were people (like Alana) who didn’t *know* they were making them. Almost every single choice Evan makes in the stage version is taken from him. Cynthia literally just comes up with the idea of emails so Evan just has to agree. Alana comes up with the Connor Project and Evan says *no* at first before being pressured into it. Evan doesn’t even kiss Zoe or make the first (or any) move at all with her. There’s no mention of Cynthia and Larry making mistakes in regards to helping Connor except like one line before words fail. Plus, making Larry a step dad completely changes his role into like a hero for raising this difficult kid who “wasn’t his” or whatever. Jared is no longer the driving force behind Evan lying. He softly suggests that it would upset the Murphy’s to know the truth one time. He doesn’t freak Evan out and tell him he needs Jared’s help to pull it off. Everything is perfectly set up for Evan to just quietly nod along without doing anything himself. It undermines the message of the original show. It’s ABOUT people doing bad things. It’s about guilt and regret and GROWING from your mistakes. That can’t happen if no one is to blame.

Alana is very different. She’s quiet and you can sort of tell she has some stuff going on. Which is ???? The opposite of how she’s supposed to be. The whole point of her character was to show that even the loud, confident, outgoing, always good attitude girl feels alone and scared and sad. That doesn’t come across when her self doubt is prominent right away. It’s not as big of a shock when she gets her “I know what it’s like to feel invisible!” Moment. Maybe that’s why they didn’t even let her have it. She literally had to *whisper* her confrontation with Evan. Like they were so afraid to let her raise her voice they made her confront Evan for lying to her about this horrible thing in the library. Let her fucking yell!

Zoe and Evan’s getting together was so fucking weird. Without Evan kissing Zoe first, she doesn’t even know he likes her before launching into her love song for him. But more importantly, Only Us is not a “let’s start dating” song??? The lyrics are clearly about people who have been together. “What we’ve got going is good”??? What have you got going? A weird friendship where he’s trying to steal your parents???? It didn’t make sense. Also I don’t like how Zoe is the one to say “I wish we could’ve met now” at the end. I feel like it doesn’t make sense/feel right for her to say it.

Heidi. I’m sorry Julianne Moore but I can’t stand movie Heidi. She has zero emotion. The good for you fight was just SO boring and bland. She sounded vaguely annoyed. That scene is supposed to be SAD. Yeah she’s angry with Evan but she’s also SO heartbroken that he’s found this other family he loves so much. She’s hurt that he’s apparently been telling them how bad his home life is. She feels like she’s not doing enough for him and that makes her both sad and angry. In the stage version she’s on the verge of tears and she’s yelling and RBJ kills it. I got none of that from the movie. It was just a tense conversation. And because of that, Evan’s final “it’s not my fault other people can” had absolutely none of the punch it usually does. That’s a *gasp* moment in the show. It fell so flat. (I also didn’t like her version of so big/so small for similar reasons. She didn’t seem all that affected by Evan’s reveal :/)

And of course the biggest offense to me personally. Jared got fucked over so bad. They removed anything that gave him any development. Not just didn’t expand on it, fully removed it. He’s basically gone for the second act. He’s way less involved with the lying and the emails and TCP. And once the initial “I can do emails” plot is out of the way he’s just gone. He gets a few reaction shots looking at his phone and that’s it. And the worst part to me is the fact that they added those shots anyway. They put them in there to SHOW that Jared was upset. And then they just DIDNT RESOLVE IT HE DIDNT GET TO CONFRONT EVAN AT ALL. THEY DIDNT EVEN SPEAK IT JUST HARD CUTS TO “oh it’s graduation and we’re friends again”. It completely erases Jared’s entire character. He also feels alone and desperately wants to connect (specifically with Evan). We know that through the bits of him we see in the show ESPECIALLY during good for you. And they trashed all of that so he could be the funny side character.

Bonus dislike: they showed the scene of Evan falling so many fucking times and it was just so tasteless. Like… why was that necessary.

All in all I did enjoy it as a separate entity but comparing it to the stage version which I love so much, it was so, so disappointing for me. However I will be watching it 17 more times. Long live Nik Dodani Jared.

[ghostmartyr]

how a life can move from the darkness [4/?]

| 1 | 2 | 3 |

Summary:  Two drug addicts (Eren and Historia) meet in group and decide to be roommates to make their  living situation slightly less weird. From there we do the slow burn  found family dance mixed in with the struggles and agonies of recovery.  Heavy on friendship feels, especially EMA. Eventual yumikuri.

Eren hadn’t been inside Reiner’s house five seconds before Ymir offered her two cents.

“Nice shiner.”

Reiner, halfway through taking off his soaked shirt in the middle of the kitchen and driving Bertolt to insanity over preparing breakfast, rolled his eyes. “Ignore her, Eren,” he said.

Everyone in the house had given him that advice at least once, by now. Eren didn’t make a habit of having breakfast with any of his clients. He wasn’t even having breakfast with Reiner today. Coming in for something besides bottled water after a run had turned into a routine after his first run-in with Ymir. Reiner had tried to book him for an unhealthy number of hours as an apology, so Eren had given in to being social enough to show that he really had forgiven him.

Bertolt, he’d already known fairly well. Reiner talked about him a lot, and when Eren first started taking Reiner out, Bertolt did the same hovering thing Mikasa did with him and Armin. He was a quiet guy, but familiar. The Galliard brothers weren’t quiet, but were almost never there when Eren was.

Ymir didn’t live with them. She just haunted the house.

Reiner claimed she liked using their living room as her office. She was some kind of writer, and always stationed herself on the couch, surrounded by paper. As many comments as she made to Eren, she did spend most of her time working, so it was believable.

Only she had the same look in her eye that Frieda and his mom got when she looked at any of the guys actually living in the house. Eren had assumed it was just Reiner, but it was all of them.

He tried not to make it his business. He was dealing badly enough with his own problems.

“Didn’t Reiner say you were done with fighting?” Ymir asked, circling something in red.

Eren poured himself some orange juice from the pitcher Bertolt kept for them. One long drink later, he didn’t feel any better about any of the ways this could go. Part of the reason people kept telling him to ignore Ymir was that he found Ymir very hard to ignore.

“My roommate threw a tennis ball at me,” he said.

Ymir paused her circling. She twisted around on the couch and gave his eye another look. “Threw,” she said. “Not hit?”

“We were playing catch,” Eren said.

Now she was looking at him like he was one of her clutch. It was annoying in a way that Frieda definitely wasn’t, and his mother only sometimes was. “Right.”

Reiner, who had zero information on what had actually happened, tried to help in between rinsing his hair in the sink. “People play catch, Ymir,” he said. “Eren’s brother hooked him on it early.”

Ymir, the only person in the house who knew anything about ignoring people, continued to act like this was a conversation exclusively between her and Eren. “Keeping your eye on the ball isn’t meant to be taken literally, you know.”

“I know,” Eren said.

Ymir grinned at him and went back to her papers.

Letting the conversation go there felt like it would be a loss, so Eren went ahead and asked. “What are you working on?”

To his surprise, Bertolt responded first. A long history of solemn, quiet staring in the face of conversation eroded. He groaned softly over the skillet, drawing every set of eyes to him like a magnet. Eren waited for him to give his contribution some words, but nothing followed. Reiner picked up the slack.

“Ymir’s a romance novelist,” he said.

“She writes porn,” Bertolt corrected, still dutifully facing the stove.

“Bert used to be my alpha reader,” Ymir said. She was smirking brightly as an angler fish’s lure. “We parted ways over incompatible creative differences. I had to go out in the cold, dark world and pave my way all alone. He won’t even listen to the titles anymore. You’d think years of friendship would promote a little more interest in my life, but…”

Reiner piped up. “He did a good job helping you with the first five.”

Eren didn’t know how old Ymir was, but Reiner only had two years on him, and he’d never gotten the sense that there was some huge gap. All he knew about publishing was that his and Armin’s favorite sci-fi series was lucky to get an addition every two years. That added up to a work ethic he wasn’t sure it was safe to compliment when Bertolt’s expression was so stony. “How many books do you have?”

“Enough that I’m the only person here who doesn’t need someone pitching in on rent,” Ymir said airily. “I don’t have to run around my place dodging tennis balls.”

She gave his eye another look that put Eren’s hackles up. He didn’t think Historia would have much of a problem decking Ymir with a tennis ball without being her roommate. Five seconds of contact would probably be good enough.

Saying something like that would just get more annoying looks.

“She’s really good,” Reiner said. “I can lend you a copy of one if you’re interested.”

“Reiner,” Bertolt said, scraping his spatula through the eggs, “I don’t think Eren wants something like that.”

One of the things Eren had learned early about Reiner was how stubborn he could be about showing off his friends. Waving Bertolt off, he leaned over the island. “He’s exaggerating about the porn. I mean, there’s some—more than some, with a few, but it’s all really tasteful and the focus is more on the emotional connection.”

Eren had never read a romance novel outside of high school literature assignments. He didn’t see this getting him started, and wasn’t sure how Reiner thought the argument that their friend wrote tasteful porn made it less weird, but he nodded blankly. “That’s… great.”

“You could at least buy the boy dinner before foisting erotic literature on him, Reiner,” Ymir said. She slung her head over the back of the couch to give her grin more of an edge. “Besides, I don’t think he swings that way.”

Eren said the first thing that entered his head. “I don’t like baseball.”

Bertolt’s magnet effect transferred to him. The man in question actually turned around long enough for a glance. Reiner’s shaved eyebrows rose. Ymir’s expression hit a delight that made Eren rethink needing Historia around to hit her.

Eren shrugged aggressively and did what he could to drain the orange juice from his glass so he was out of things tying him to their kitchen.

“You know,” Reiner said, “I have been meaning to ask if you want to grab lunch sometime, Eren.” Before Ymir could make good on the promise of her widening smile, he rushed to add, “Not as a date or anything, just, you know. You seem short on friends, so maybe we could spend some time together that isn’t work.”

“Can guarantee that you’ll end up with fewer black eyes with him,” Ymir said.

His bruised face twinged. He remembered to keep his fists lax so that his glass didn’t shatter. He put it down carefully on the island, right next to Reiner’s elbow.

“I have friends.”

Reiner smiled like he understood the first damn thing about the people Eren meant when he said that. “Nothing wrong with a few more.”

There wasn’t, but Eren could still feel the urge to argue on sheer principle of what Reiner was correctly suggesting about his life. Ymir’s smirk didn’t help.

He left the house with lunch plans, which felt like growth, and a gnawing bitter hole in his chest, which felt like everything he still hadn’t fixed.

----

He hated group.

He always hated group.

Today he hated it with a little more direction.

“Today,” Petra said, “I wanted to talk some about the importance of remembering that you’re one of the people you have to make amends to.”

Petra was pretending not to look at him and Historia. She wasn’t doing it very well. Historia just looked at the floor. Eren was trying to do better, but he could feel his body joining in.

They’d needed ice. After the last meeting. Going back inside to ask where to find the ice had been embarrassing. They’d waited until they knew the meeting would be over, but it was still embarrassing, and Petra standing there waiting for them to come back had been an awful cherry on top. She’d told them to stay put. Between the two of them, they ate half of her cookies while they waited.

The burnt cookies. Eren couldn’t taste well enough to care. Historia had stared listlessly at the few folding chairs that were still set up, munching hers mechanically.

“Does it ever help?” she’d asked, before Petra came back. “Talking?”

Eren had given the only answer he could. “I don’t know,” he said through his clotting nose, “but I didn’t used to be able to talk about any of it.”

When Petra had come back, she kept frowning at Historia. Who looked as guilty as she probably felt about Eren’s blackening eye and bloody nose. By Petra’s standards, it wasn’t anywhere near enough. Eren had left distraught, but without bruises. Coming back bleeding with his roommate wasn’t the most comforting image he could have brought in.

She hadn’t said anything then.

Now, not looking at them, she was saying things.

“The hurt we cause other people tends to be very tangible.”

Armin’s face. Eren’s hand in the medicine cabinet.

“We act in ways that cause them pain, and our relationships suffer injuries that we can’t hope to repair while we’re still slaves to our vices. We don’t usually have to ask what went wrong once we’re sober. I think everyone here has something they wish they hadn’t done during the course of their addiction.”

Mikasa asking if he was okay, of all fucking things, and him shouting that he never wanted to see her again. Blaming her for keeping such a good eye on him and not seeing the obvious. Like she’d had a part in his terrible choices.

“Taking responsibility for that damage is part of healing. It helps those we’ve hurt, and reasserts our own control by confronting the past and making up for where we went wrong. It gives us the tools to move on instead of turning our shame into another vice.”

Eren had been gripping the chair so hard that the circulation felt cut off in the tips of his fingers.

He looked up.

“When we refuse to make amends,” Petra said, “we refuse to let our lives move on from the pain and hurt we’ve caused. We refuse to move beyond the person addiction made us.”

Never picking up the phone when it rang. Throwing his mom’s landline at the wall.

“I can’t speak for everyone here, but I know that one of the first barriers I ran into during my recovery was whether or not someone like me even deserved to have the better life I was trying for.”

Historia jerked forward in her chair.

“But that’s what recovery is all about. We turned into someone we don’t want to be, and we want to change.”

Petra looked Eren in the eye. Eren didn’t turn away. His ears were hanging on each word.

“Denying ourselves that chance means denying recovery. It means we stay that person, and we keep doing damage. There is nothing positive found in punishing yourself to a point where you’re killing all the good things you still have left to offer. There’s only more suffering.”

Only more holes in the wall that needed patching.

Eren knew Petra, or the rehab counselor, or maybe even Reiner, had talked about self-destructive behavior before. He knew he’d talked to himself about it before. Drugs or not, he destroyed too much to really be anyone’s greatest representative of recovery. He knew people who relapsed and handled themselves better than he had in his first months of sobriety.

His eye still a shade of purple he hadn’t seen since his last tournament brawl with Annie, he heard the same click his muffled brain had made when Armin caught him. The first awful, miserable step that the drugs had let him run away from until he could barely move at all.

Some people talked about their lists at group. Specific things they wanted to make up to their specific people. Eren had one for his mom, but no one even wanted his apologies. They wanted him better, so he focused on that and called it good enough. He’d done the bare minimum and kept all the doors Armin and Mikasa tried to open slammed shut.

The burn of hatred was familiar. The writhing guilt under it had always felt unproductive. Hate he could do something with. He could swap out wanting things from his life for hating who he was enough to force a change. It worked fine when what he wanted was drugs.

There had been a person before all of that. The one who made his friends. He’d wanted a lot more out of life.

Eren chewed his way through a runny cookie after the end of the meeting. Thinking and not thinking. His head felt like a chalkboard that had just been wiped off. All the dust still in place and incomprehensible.

He did know what to say when Petra came over to join him, though.

“Thanks.”

Petra smiled sadly at him. “Don’t think you were the only one who needed help, Eren.” She sighed and leaned back against the folding table. The plate of cookies rattled. “Forgiveness doesn’t have to be earned to be accepted, but it’s much easier when it is. I’ve known a lot of people who fall into the trap of pushing themselves so hard they never find their way out.”

She ran a tired hand through her hair. “It can’t be about other people. What you need has to matter.”

“What if it doesn’t?”

Eren jumped. So did Petra.

Historia often took to shadowing him at meetings, but she was so much like an actual shadow that it was easy to forget she was there. Standing in the dark corner next to the card table, looking as small as Eren had ever seen her, this time felt intentional.

She was watching Petra.

“It always does,” Petra said, after a moment.

Historia’s jaw was locked shut, a small, nervous twitch all there was to suggest motion.

“But… what if it doesn’t?”

Eren knew he was missing pieces, but there was something deeply wrong with the dark lines in Historia’s expression. It reminded him of the very silent walk home after the last meeting, too distracted with pinning ice to his face to ask if he needed to ask if she was okay, and too ashamed to make it his job to check on her when she slammed her bedroom door shut.

“You matter, Historia,” he said. “So what you need matters.”

Her hands tied themselves together in front of her. The clench of one more repetition was behind her teeth, and Eren suddenly felt very out of his depth. That was one concept that there shouldn’t have been any footing to argue with.

The wrongness lingered all the way home, long after she nodded her head at them like she believed a single word they’d said.

----

He sent Armin a picture of Benjamin.

It took an hour to build up to it. He hid in the bathroom, back against the cabinets, and thought about healing. That thing everyone wanted from him. That thing the broiling wrath in his chest when he looked in the mirrors some days didn’t know how to do, but he still had a chance at.

He found the best picture. He found Armin’s name on the contact list.

He didn’t have to feel anything about it yet. He just had to do it. Make his body move. He was good at that. He had a lifetime of practice of it listening to him, and this time he was going to make it do something positive.

He hit the send button, and the comforting image of Benjamin swimming through his tank to say hello vanished.

He sent Mikasa one, too.

When his phone buzzed with a picture of Rivaille a minute later, fur raised and bright white teeth gleaming, he was still breathing, and there weren’t any holes in the walls or mirrors.

For the first time in months, the heat in his chest didn’t feel like anger.

----

If there was one negative Eren found in having Historia as a roommate and sponsor, it was that she was worse than Mikasa sometimes. Only instead of beating him at every physical challenge he’d ever taken on, she beat him at personal tragedy. That was one record he never wanted his friends anywhere near, and it was the one she always won.

He’d wanted to push. He knew he shouldn’t. Months of group and a few aborted meetings with therapists hadn’t made him any kind of expert on problems. Maybe if he’d known Historia before, he would have gone for it anyway, but experience had beaten some tact into him.

Some.

Maybe not enough. He wasn’t sure, but trying to patch things up with his best friends while he just let whatever Petra had cracked open with Historia fester made him feel like a hypocrite and a coward. He’d been both, and they never made anything better.

Several days of not broaching any serious topics went by before that determination could make any kind of difference. Maybe they were better for it. Maybe that was the only way the conversation would have happened at all.

Eren was on the couch, coordinating with a climbing group he was leading in the morning. Historia was studying under Benjamin’s tank. He probably should have caught how little she was turning the pages. That wasn’t always a fair gauge with her textbooks, but he should have still noticed.

She stopped in the middle of turning one. Her hand drooped to the floor.

“Sponsors are there to help with the addiction parts. Right?”

Eren looked up from telling his group contact that yes, he would have spare bottles, no, that did not mean they shouldn’t bring their own water. Historia stared resolutely at the page she’d stopped at. A panting puppy and a diagram of the panting puppy’s insides stared back.

“Right,” Eren said.

“You’re my sponsor.”

She said it like she was waiting for him to tell her he wasn’t. Eren put his phone down, frowning. “Yeah.” He didn’t know what there was to argue about that, but in case she’d forgotten every time she’d listened to him shriek his trauma at her, he added, “And you’re mine.”

Historia didn’t look away from the book.

Eren waited. The hair on the back of his neck felt unusually prickly. Benjamin swam back and forth at the front of his tank. He liked his hiding spots, but he was starting to prefer the open space when they were both in the room. His tank bubbled away softly.

“I overdosed,” Historia said.

A chill entered the room. Eren eased himself out of his comfortable slouch against the couch cushions. “Okay,” he said, trying to mean it. Or sound gentle. He didn’t know what gentle was supposed to sound like. Mikasa did a thing with her voice that could calm anything, but he’d always fallen short trying to be like her.

Historia’s shoulders were practically covering her head, they were so tense.

“It happens,” he said. He sounded stupid. He’d heard plenty of overdose stories. Reiner had three from before they ended up in rehab together. Eren wasn’t sure how he was still alive, and he didn’t think any of his roommates were, either, but they were all relieved. Overdose stories that ended with rehab and group instead of a body weren’t the worst kind. Historia was still around and sober. That wasn’t something to dress up like a bad thing.

Historia’s hands clasped over her textbook. “No. Not...” Her forehead pressed down against the puppy diagram briefly. Eren could almost hear the gears in her mind turning.

“It was on purpose,” she said.

The chill went inside Eren.

Historia kept talking. Her breathing shook and rattled, but the words came out in a steady stream. “I thought… I thought if that’s how I did it, there wouldn’t be anything to feel sad over. I was already a murderer, but people kept finding excuses for that. If I… if I walked into a new hole all by myself, no one could say it wasn’t my fault. They’d have to—they’d have to know I wasn’t worth any tears.

“That was the plan. Then…” She gave her head a shake. “I—part of me also wondered if it would help. If all of it…”

Petra had said it. After his first meeting. “Painkillers don’t work on broken hearts. We just keep hoping they will.”

Eren’s mind automatically went to a little orange bottle, listening to Historia. He killed the thought off. Viciously.

Historia collected herself. “It didn’t,” she said flatly. “It didn’t help any of it, and then I couldn’t die, because if I died, I couldn’t do more heroin, and at that point I—I wanted the—to—more than I wanted to die. So I kept…”

She took a harsh breath and lifted her head. “It was getting harder to hide. Frieda was going to find out if I kept it up, and she would have tried to…” She turned away from her book to stare at the floor. Eren had never seen someone so far away. “I couldn’t do that to her. The whole point was to make it—easier.” Her voice cracked.

Eren could hear the coming end in the blackest corner of his soul, where he kept the accident. Where he kept the first time he’d taken more than his prescription said to. Where he kept the look on Armin’s face.

“I needed to get it over with before Frieda started worrying,” Historia said.

He didn’t need her to tell him what happened next. His eyes were fixed on her arms. Covered, like they always were, with long sleeves. Out of all the emotions to feel, he felt pathetically sick with gratitude that he couldn’t see. She probably knew exactly which line marked the attempt.

The attempt, he had to remind himself. Historia’s back rose with every breath she took. She was alive.

“Only she found me,” Historia said. “She found me. Because of her, I woke up, and she was there, and I was the one who did everything wrong, but she blamed herself anyway. There was no way to make it easier for her. She’s too good of a person. She—she just couldn’t see when someone was better off—”

What if what you need doesn’t matter?

Historia never talked about recovering. He’d known that. He’d seen it. She talked about her sister. Every single word that should have been spent on her went to Frieda, or their father. She talked about fault, and it always turned into how it was all hers.

He’d gone to group sessions because he wanted his mom to see that he meant it when he said none of it would happen again. He’d wanted her to know that her son was putting in the work, and she could believe that he was okay. He’d wanted to believe for himself that he could end up okay. That he wouldn’t ever be that person again.

Historia had only gone because Frieda needed her to be okay.

“It can’t be about other people. What you need has to matter.”

Eren didn’t know what to say.

Frieda was the only reason he’d ever met Historia.

If it was only about what Historia thought she needed, she’d be dead.

“Do you still want to die?”

Historia’s fists were clenched. Her knuckles were white, and he thought they had been for a while.

“I don’t know,” she said.

“I’m glad you’re not dead,” wasn’t really the point. “Frieda’s glad you’re not,” would just make it worse.

Eren got off the couch and sat down next to Historia. Hesitantly, he stretched out a hand to rest on one of her hiked up shoulders. He barely touched her at all, but he could feel the answering tension. Before some of it actually leaked away. The glaze of Historia’s eyes didn’t look quite so distant anymore. Just sad.

She looked like her sister. Like Frieda when she waited outside Historia’s room, checking to make sure her little sister was still breathing.

“I don’t really get it,” he admitted. He knew hating himself so much he couldn’t breathe, and then not wanting to breathe. He knew wanting to hurt himself. But he didn’t know the first thing about setting up a plan to die. “But you’re still alive, even if it’s just for Frieda. You might as well try to enjoy it.”

Her hands were shaking next to her book. He really wasn’t any good at this.

“I made a promise once,” she said, so softly it was almost a whisper. “To the girl I told you about. She thought I needed to stop running away from myself. That I should be me, and leave the rest of it alone. But when I stood still long enough to find out who that was, I couldn’t see any point in staying.” She tapped the page she still hadn’t turned. Her eyes were as watery as the reflections in Benjamin’s tank. “Sometimes I think it’s good that she left. She didn’t have to find out how empty I really am. Then I think that if she’d just…”

Historia’s shoulders dropped. “I never felt empty with her. I don’t know what was there, but when she left, so did it.”

Eren had been too angry at the time to really notice anything but the rage and the burning coils warping his insides, but he was reminded vividly of the first time he chose not to take Armin’s call. It felt like something was ripping a hole through his heart. Only he’d filled that hole with every bad feeling that dug it. The emptiness never had a chance to send him places.

Then Historia came along, and he had a friend. He was standing outside the hole and thinking about how to patch it. He wasn’t lost in it.

He didn’t know how to translate that, but he owed Historia too much not to try.

“I haven’t felt like myself since my dad,” Eren said, without dwelling on the flash of hands drenched in blood that still popped up every time he touched any of it. “The pills made it all worse, but nothing’s really felt right since then. Not being able to talk to Armin and Mikasa is part of it.” He tightened his hand on Historia’s shoulder, and hoped it was understood as comfort. “I don’t know if all of me is ever going to come back, but I don’t need him. I’m the one still here, so I can fix whatever’s still broken my way.”

He turned his hold into a kind of rough pat. “You’ll figure it out.”

Historia finally looked at him. Tired frankness overtook some of the visible misery. “The last time I tried to figure it out I decided to kill myself.”

“Then that’s ruled that out,” Eren said. He tried to smile, but it felt wrong. Like his jaw had gone numb. “That and the heroin. You aren’t going to end up somewhere worse when you’re trying to get better.”

She was quiet for so long he had to think for a moment if he’d managed to say anything out loud. Her breathing was silent. Her back kept rising, but Eren didn’t think nature photographers knew how to be that still. Armin had shown him a documentary on them once. Historia liked animals, maybe he could link it to her and it could be something to stay alive for.

His insides still felt like they were trapped in a perpetual shiver. Withdrawal without the delirious, racing thoughts that sent ants of pain up his legs.

“Do you have to want better for it to happen?” Historia asked at last.

Eren couldn’t remember where wanting his pills and wanting to destroy the person they turned him into began or ended. They were a blur of hunger and rage, and somehow that turned into wherever he was now. He’d always wanted one thing or another. Flame stickers for his tricycle. A bigger bat than the one Zeke tried to start him with. Beating up Armin’s bullies instead of the other way around. Pills, pills, and pills. His friends. Thing after thing that could make a positive difference in his world.

He might have hated some of the stuff he did to get there, but he’d never not wanted an improvement. The world needed a lot of them. He and Armin had come up with a list of all the things failing it their first year of high school, hitting a protest per item by the end of the calendar. The only way to get anywhere with everything that was wrong was to care and fight for a fix. That was how it worked.

Except for sometimes.

“Sometimes,” he said, “better is someone you’ve never talked to asking you to live with them.”

----

The nightmare was even less of a surprise than they usually were.

He was in the car. Burning dust was filling his lungs. His father, smiling, holding a hand to his head, tried to talk to him. He wasn’t using words. The sounds he made didn’t come with a language, and his lips didn’t move, and Eren couldn’t breathe and his leg turned into lava while he screamed and screamed until he found the sword and pushed it into his father’s chest to make the noise stop.

Only he wasn’t in the car.

Eren jolted upright in his bed, dripping with sweat, freezing, and taking in heaves of fresh, clean air through the hands he’d clapped on top of his mouth to stop the inevitable shout.

He wasn’t in the car. He wasn’t in the damn car, and hadn’t been for—

Eren jerked out of bed. His landing wasn’t graceful, but it didn’t bruise anything.

For a few fragile moments, he stood in his bedroom, doing nothing. A winding trail of salt rolled down his face and dropped to the rug his toes were digging into. His heart was racing and there was a scrape on the back of his hand. He thrashed in his sleep sometimes.

He took a breath and grabbed his blanket. He draped it over his shoulders like a cape, and groggily started the journey to Benjamin’s tank.

A year. He hadn’t been inside that car, listening to his dad’s watch tick away his final seconds, for a whole year. He hadn’t thought about it. He didn’t know how. Cracking open his door and letting his eyes follow the glow that said someone was in the kitchen, he couldn’t land on any other thoughts.

The someone in the kitchen was Frieda, sipping at her mug when he tromped in. Far outside her sister’s door and waiting for him.

They’d shared a few nights like this. Mornings, Armin would correct him with, frowning and telling him he really should take better care of himself. Mikasa would agree. She’d probably grab the mug Frieda was offering and snatch it up so that his arms didn’t have to reach that far.

Eren shivered and grabbed his mug.

“I thought I might see you tonight,” Frieda said.

The hot chocolate didn’t burn his tongue. It was just warm. Eren downed the mug in one shot, fighting back the cold. Frieda took it when he was done, and poured him another. Her eyes were less shadowed than they normally were. When she showed up to watch Historia.

“Did you come here for me?” Eren asked.

Frieda smiled tiredly at him. “I can worry about more than one of you at a time.”

Eren cupped his mug, leeching the warmth. His hands were still slippery, and his eyes weren’t awake enough to see more than a colorful blur beyond Frieda’s face. He felt like he was inside Benjamin’s tank, being asked to swim around and breathe the water.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Frieda asked, echoing her sister.

Eren shrugged. “I talked about it in therapy.”

“Before or after rehab?”

Eren’s jaw locked. Frieda moved herself, switching to his side of the island. Compassion, not pity, layered her expression. Eren knew the difference. His pride wasn’t so clear, but his pride wasn’t worth anything. He turned his mug in his sliding hands.

His dad had been a coffee guy. Eren had been very little when he still worked at the hospital, and one of his favorite bedtime rituals was when his mom would pick him up, perching him on her hip and letting him start the coffeemaker to help daddy wake up for work. Even after he had his own practice, he drank some to start the morning off. Eren’s mom had complained regularly about the habit, and told Eren that if he ever needed more energy, he should consider something less addictive.

There hadn’t been any coffee in the house when Eren moved back in.

“There isn’t much to talk about,” he said. “I can call it an accident now.” Historia had seen to that. “It happened. He’s gone.” Eren had reacted by turning into a degenerate, and he wasn’t going to be that anymore. “I don’t know what else there is to say.”

He remembered apologizing to Zeke in the hospital. Over and over, saying it was all his fault their father was gone, and he was so so sorry, and several nurses swept in and ordered his brother out and then he was falling into a haze that became his only friend. He wondered if Zeke had tried to say anything before he left. He wondered if he had anything to say now, and if a weird phone call or text lay in wait in the day’s future.

Eren didn’t mean to ask it but the words came out and then he was watching Frieda’s face turn to broken glass. “What was it like when your dad died?”

Sharpness and warning lurked in Frieda’s gaze. Her arms came up to wrap around her sides, and her head lowered. Like a bull about to charge. Armin had told him once that bulls knew how to walk around in a china shop. Breaking everything wasn’t an inevitability. Eren didn’t think it worked the same way one on one.

“The situations can’t be compared,” Frieda said brusquely.

“I know that,” Eren said. But you have a baby half-sibling who was there for it, but you seem to like her, but you’re probably happy about which one lived, but don’t you have anything except calling one a murder and one an accident. “But you must have felt something about it.”

Frieda’s whole head rolled with her eyes. They glittered harshly under the kitchen lights. Her hands dropped her mug back to the island, and the clatter echoed.

The silence rang longer.

“Historia wasn’t dead,” she bit out at last. “I don’t know what else I felt. By the time it happened, I hadn’t seen either of them in over a year. Everything considered, the man I knew as my father died long before that.” She pulled a stray strand of hair away from her forehead. Her tone lost its hurry. “I missed him. Then I couldn’t. His death isn’t something I can regret. The… manner was horrific. But he was already gone, and what he left behind took all of my attention.”

Her eyes darted back down the hall.

“The situations can’t be compared,” she repeated. “My grief isn’t with the dead.”

“No.” Eren put his mug down next to hers. He wiped his hands on his blanket. Benjamin’s tank was behind him, or he would have turned to look at it, sleeping fish or no. Joining Frieda to lean against the island would feel too weird. He didn’t like talking to someone he couldn’t look at properly.

“I…” he said. “I can’t even miss him. All I end up thinking about when I try is how it happened, and all the stupid things I did after.” Or Zeke, who was an uncomfortable thought on peaceful days. Eren added, quietly, “I’m a terrible son.”

Frieda’s hand flipped out so fast he almost tried to dodge it. It landed on his shoulder, warm and firm. Nothing but compassion shone in her face, and it was weird having such kindness near so many bad memories.

“The dead don’t care how they’re remembered, Eren,” she said gently.

Tightness spread down Eren’s jaw and into his throat. “He was a good dad. He didn’t deserve…” Me.

Frieda pushed off the island and pulled Eren towards her. Eren tripped into the hug, sure he was going to topple right over her, but Frieda stood as solidly as a tree, and caught him easily. One arm wrapped around his shoulders while the other went upward, stroking the top of his head.

Eren froze. He stood stiff as a log with his chin on her shoulder. He’d been so sure he was taller than her. The telltale burning in his eyes spread like wildfire down his cheeks.

Frieda just held him, letting the drops wet her shirt.

Minutes passed before he could hug her back, but when he did, he clung on like she was the only life raft in the whole ocean.

----

Keeping up with Armin and Mikasa wasn’t easy. Eren stuck to Benjamin photos, mostly. Plus explanations for how he ended up with Benjamin. Sometimes pictures of the apartment.

They were more than he deserved, so they were okay with that. Mikasa sent him Rivaille photos back. Eren had never once missed Rivaille, and he was sure the feeling was mutual, but something about the pictures made some of the barbed wire around his heart unclench.

Armin kept up with copying Eren on his science fact subscription. He hadn’t said anything himself outside of a small thank-you for the Benjamin photos.

He texted Eren the morning of the anniversary of his father’s death. Proper morning, with the sun out. Long after Frieda had left the apartment and tucked Eren under his blanket on the couch, which he would feel bristly about when he stopped feeling grateful.

Eren’s mother had called, too. She’d asked about having him over for dinner. Because he could, he promised to be there.

Zeke had sent him a reminder about the week’s baseball game. If he felt like participating.

Mikasa sent him double the Rivaille pictures without a word.

Petra had emailed him recipes.

Armin’s was the message he was having trouble looking at.

Eren had the day off. By coincidence, not anything intentional. His boss was doing one of his mass cleaning days. Usual design meant a dozen of his closest bar friends and a ton of alcohol. The work got done, but it was a party excuse more than anything. Eren had opted out of this year’s round for obvious reasons. Reiner was helping one of the Galliards’ friends move. None of his other regulars had requested the day.

He sat on his bed, contemplating his phone.

Footsteps padded by his room before he made any profound resolutions.

“You’re getting a lot of messages today,” Historia said from his doorway. She was still in her pajamas. Circles dark enough to be makeup were under her eyes, and she was carrying a bowl of cereal.

“Sorry,” Eren said automatically. “I can switch it to vibrate if you’re going to be home.”

Historia lingered. “I was wondering if something was wrong.”

Eren crossed his legs, phone in hand. Historia had seen him sleeping on the couch. She’d also known Frieda long enough to recognize her handwriting on the note left on the armrest. She wasn’t enough of a snoop to investigate, but it didn’t take an Armin to put two and two together.

“My dad died a year ago today,” Eren said, all at once.

Historia said, “Oh.”

She didn’t keep moving towards her room.

They hadn’t really left their talk about her wanting to kill herself in a great place. It left a shadow over everything. Quiet was picking up the pattern of going awkward fast. He didn’t have any good answers, she hadn’t found her better, and they were both waiting for the restless discomfort to land somewhere workable.

He knew he was crap at helping people, but he’d wanted to think that he could help the one friend he hadn’t screwed up. All he’d come up with was understanding a bit better why Frieda was someone she thought was worth staying alive for when nothing else was.

“Armin and Mikasa wanted to check in?” Historia asked.

“Yeah,” Eren said. His fingers drummed against his phone case. “I guess, anyway. I haven’t looked at Armin’s thing yet. That’s probably what it is.”

Historia stayed where she was, standing in the hallway like a tiny bedraggled gargoyle. Her spoon slipped halfheartedly in its bowl. “You can invite them over, if you want.”

Eren barked out a laugh. “I can barely text them.”

“I didn’t mean today,” she said. “Unless they’d help. Just that you can.” She pulled at a string dangling from her sleeve. The spoon slid again. “That’s what people do with friends, isn’t it? Invite them over when things are bad?”

Armin and Mikasa had never been far enough away that Eren had to invite them.

“Probably,” Eren said.

Historia’s back was resting on the hallway wall. She wasn’t really looking at him, since looking would take something a little more human in her eyes, but she was clearly trying. “Do you want me to read it?”

“No.”

He said it fast enough to make it obvious he’d been thinking about it. Eren shifted his grip around his phone. The notification blip was staring at him. It reminded him of the look Armin got when he wasn’t sure if he should say what was on his genius mind or not.

Eren was projecting and he knew it, but the image was still crystal clear.

“I’ll read it,” he said. “I just needed a second, and I’ve had plenty.”

Historia watched him for a handful more. He would have put on his well-adjusted mask, but that wasn’t supposed to be a mask, and he didn’t have one anyway. And maybe on a day like today, ‘okay’ wasn’t the standard people were expecting.

“Okay,” Historia said, leaving the wall. “Let me know if you need… anything.”

Eren waved her off halfheartedly, and it was good enough.

His finger hovered over the text app icon.

He was being stupid again. Knowing it didn’t make it feel much better. There was a vice around his temples, and if he wanted to he could be more of a child and put off looking until he’d counted out his pulse. Each beat came like a nail into a coffin.

Thoughts of sunny skies and funerals danced along to the sound.

Eren clicked the icon with a rough jerk of his fingers, the waiting words bouncing off his eyes. He wasn’t going back to that place. Not now, not ever. It didn’t matter what day of the year it was.

Resolve as settled as it could be, he read the damn message. The first real words Armin had sent his way since walking in on the worst thing Eren had ever done to him. Proof that Armin had always been the braver one.

“I know it might be a little much,” the text read, “but I wanted to say it again. We’re here for you, Eren.”

Eren couldn’t breathe for a moment.

A lengthy one, air halting in his lungs with the force of a tennis ball against a brick wall.

He’d never really been able to forget Armin. He’d tried, and he’d lied to himself about how often his thoughts went to his best friend. He’d told himself the jump his nerves gave the first time he saw Historia out of the corner of his eye had nothing to do with anything like hope. He’d shouted at himself to give up on the fantasy of sharing an apartment with his best friend after he’d had to move back in with his mom.

Somewhere, though—everywhere—Armin left a shadow.

The brave, brilliant boy who had let Eren be his best friend.

The boy he’d betrayed. The one who still cared anyway.

Tears came before the sobs wanted to. The words blurred, and the back of his throat burned. He clutched his covers in his hand, bringing them up to dry his eyes, but it only seemed to spread the wetness all over his face.

He didn’t deserve these people. Not a single one.

The dark, wretched hatred for himself tried to rise up the way it always did, waiting to point out how fucking obvious that had always been, waiting to scream and rage over how badly he had fucked up for this perfect friend, but its foothold melted away before it could even start. A glow, softer and more solid than any of the biting fury he’d spent a year letting consume him, walled the dark feelings off.

Armin was still trying. All of them were still trying.

He didn’t deserve them. There was a good shot that nothing he did would ever come close to being worthy of any of them or their love, but he could do better than being a ghosting asshole who couldn’t be bothered to let his friends know he was alive without a middleman.

Fingers damp and shaking, Eren typed out his reply.

thank you

----

Reiner wanted to do a triathlon.

There shouldn’t have been a problem with that. Most of Eren’s clients were training up for one event or another. Some of them could be defined as seasonal with how regular they were with their patronage. He wasn’t big on swimming, but he knew his way around the necessities. Reiner was a far shot from his peak still, but his body could take it.

“For fuck’s sake,” said one problem, “Reiner, I’ll handle the bike, you go scrub your face before you blind yourself.”

Eren wasn’t sure if Ymir was a person anyone was meant to get along with. She seemed to delight in that part of herself. Half of every way she interacted with him whenever they were in the same space had to do with annoying him, and all of it was on purpose.

She was paying to be part of Reiner’s training program.

“I like biking,” she’d said, flipping through one of her manuscripts. “Is giving you money some kind of crime now?”

Bertolt had looked seconds away from saying something that entire round of breakfast. Which Reiner had somehow turned into part of their routine when he wasn’t looking. By the time Eren left, Bertolt still hadn’t made much of a comment, but he wouldn’t stop giving Ymir odd looks. She didn’t glance back at him once.

Ymir did like biking, Reiner had confided. She refused to pay extra for a parking spot in her apartment complex, so she’d taken it up with spiteful enthusiasm. Eren thought it likely that was how she ran her entire life.

The main problem with all of this wasn’t actually Ymir.

It was Reiner not being great with bikes. He had no feel for turns. He was new to road racing. He’d had to buy a bike because he didn’t own one. Most of their rides included a devoted portion of attention going to making sure Reiner didn’t go crashing down the mountain trail.

Like he’d just tried to do.

Ymir didn’t bother being gentle about shoving Reiner towards the bathrooms of the camping area they’d reached. Sap and pine needles had taken over his forehead, and Eren could spot some red leaking through the dirt. He’d been able to catch Reiner before he rolled too far, but they’d been going fast, and Reiner hit the sloping ground hard.

Eren picked a collection of muddy leaves off his elbow, walking his bike over to where Ymir was fixing Reiner’s back to one piece.

“He’s like this,” she told him, pulling at the chain. “No thinking, just pure finish line glamour taking up his head. He’s only trying for it because the local paper brought it up as a great, inspiring yearly surge of community energy.” She dusted a spot of grime aggressively from her hand. “Because he’s all about getting his surges of community energy without paying people in back alleys now.”

“Is that why you came along?” Eren asked. “To keep an eye on him?”

Ymir frowned. She tipped her helmet back and cast Eren a look that managed to be more uninviting than her usual smirk. Eren, sweaty, hot, and used to nasty looks, let the staring contest go on until she rolled her eyes and went back to the bike.

“Reiner’s a full-fledged adult,” she said, sarcasm coming like a song. “Why would anyone ever need to keep an eye on him? It isn’t like we’ve all had to watch him try to kill himself with drugs several times over.”

Eren kept his mouth shut.

Ymir shook her head and huffed out a laugh that maybe wasn’t mocking. “Don’t try to give me too much credit, Eren. I’m not hovering because I don’t trust him—that’s Bert’s thing. I just know him. He can’t cut off the part of his head that has him hitting rock bottom with his crap. Moderation would take him being less of a masochist. Someone needs to be around to catch him when he takes a stage dive off the edge of a cliff.”

“I caught him,” Eren couldn’t help but point out. With more edge than he really meant to add.

“Yeah.” Ymir finished up with the chain and propped herself up. The gleam in her eye was duller than he was used to. “Nice reflexes, by the way. Not what I expected from someone who can’t dodge a tennis ball.”

Eren pointedly took a drag from his water bottle. Giving Ymir words to build on was the latest habit he was finally starting to break. Her smile glinted at him through the shade.

“How long have you known each other?”

Ymir shrugged. “Life, I guess. Long enough to not bother counting.”

She pulled off her helmet and ran a hand through her hair, collecting droplets of sweat and flicking them into the air. Nothing else gave away how hard they’d been riding. Her rust-red shirt was clear of any darker patches, and the only breathing Eren heard out of her the whole way up was her loud sighs. She leaned casually between her bike and Reiner’s, watching the path he’d taken to the restrooms.

“Was it hard?”

She spared him a flicker of interest. “Excruciating. No one needs that many years with Reiner.”

Eren took off his own helmet. “That wasn’t what I meant.”

“Then try speaking a little more plainly for the peanut gallery.”

Eren lowered himself to his handlebars, taking in the leaves and the weeds on the ground instead of wasting his pride on eye contact. A lizard skittered past. “After you found out about the heroin,” he said. “Did… what was it like getting back to normal?”

Ymir’s shadow didn’t move in the dirt. He heard another of her sighs. A lighter, unintentional kind. Reiner’s kickstand creaked under her weight.

“Have some people you want to reconnect with?” she asked at last.

Eren didn’t see a point denying it. “Yeah.”

She chuckled dryly. Her shadow took another swipe at her hair. “Then you’re talking to the wrong focus group.” She spun her helmet in her hand. “Reiner fucked himself up while I was serving out a sentence for my own illegal recreational hobbies. By the time I got out, there wasn’t any point caring how badly we’d screwed ourselves. We could all lend a helping hand or fuck off and never speak to each other again.” Eren looked up in time to catch her smirking at him. “Guess which option a little birdie just out of a cage is stuck with?”

Eren had too much experience with Historia to want to ask what Ymir had done to land herself in jail. He also couldn’t really be surprised.

“That’s why Bert’s so pissy about all of this. Aside from the obvious,” Ymir added. She kept spinning her helmet. “He had to sit through every minute. Second chances after you’ve watched the first three go up in smoke are hard to keep going.” She eyed Eren, a peculiar smile playing at her lips. “That’s not you though, is it? One and done. You really want the sort of friends who’ll ditch you over that?”

Eren’s phone burned a hole in his back pocket. “They never ditched me.”

Ymir graced him with an oddly respectful silence. They both watched another lizard run through the disturbed leaves Reiner’s fall had kicked up. Squirrels were chittering in the above trees. One by the nearest campsite sent a pinecone crashing to the ground. Birds were singing.

“Other way around, huh?”

Eren’s nod felt like bending steel.

Ymir laughed her way through a sigh. “Nice. Nothing like being a crappy person to people who deserve the best.” She rested her chin on a fist. Reiner’s bike tilted heavily under her. “Sit back, pray, and hope they’re stupid enough to still want you when you stumble on back. There’s not much else for it.”

Tired gloom drifted over her face with the clouds, sharpening the hard look in her eyes.

“You’ve even got a handicap. You already know they’ll take you back” she said tightly. “Spend less time whining about it and more time working with it. Then let the magic of friendship take over and deal with whatever new normal that saddles you with. Or are you stupid enough to be picky about that?”

“Yes,” was the answer to that.

Eren looked out at the beaten path to the restrooms. He felt fidgety.

He’d known Armin and Mikasa all his life. Or at least the parts of it that mattered. He didn’t want a new normal. He wanted the peaceful, carefree days before him being a fucking moron. He didn’t want awkward prodding about whether or not they might want to drop by his new place and say hi; he wanted them to have keys and waltz in like they owned it.

He wanted to skip a whole bunch of steps in how they’d fix everything. Just because he missed them, and the hate had receded enough for that to start aching.

Reiner stepped back outside, newly clean and waving in their direction before he started jogging over.

Ymir bumped her helmet against the top of Eren’s head. He looked over. She was still lounging against the handlebars.

“Eren?” she said. “I’m here because Reiner can’t ride a fucking bike.”

[next]

[psychcomposer]

Alright, I have too many feelings about a video game that’s going to come out in a month that I really just need to get out. It’s been over a decade and one of my favorite games, The World Ends With You, is finally getting a sequel. I’ve been brooding on the trailers for months, and I just finished the demo, so it is time to put down my capital T Thoughts on Neo: The World Ends With You.

As a warning, this will be entirely too long. But I’m not about to keep this bound up any longer.

TWEWY is my favorite title for the Nintendo DS. It is a JRPG starring Neku Sakuraba, an aggressively antisocial teen living in the Tokyo district of Shibuya. He is suddenly pulled into a test of survival called The Reaper’s Game, where he is forced to join forces with a partner in order to survive a week of lethal objectives in a sub-planar version of Shibuya. I love the story, its such an honest and interesting take on learning to get outside of your comfort zone. But more than that, it is a game that does so much to put a modern twist on every piece of your typical JRPG. You control two characters at once, Neku with the touch screen and his partner with the control pad, forcing you to split your attention and giving mechanic weight to the idea that Neku can’t survive alone. Armor and weapons are replaced with clothes and outfits, with a character’s ability to wear them restricted not by class but by a character’s bravery. The music list is filled with punk, alt-rock and hip-hop that are a stark contrast to the symphonic tracks of other titles. Battles aren’t random impediments, but fun diversions that sport a robust reward system that encourages players to push their limits.

But even more than that, the most modern thing I appreciate about TWEWY has to be the characters. Neku, Shiki, Beat, and Rhyme all feel like believable teens that grew up in the 2000′s. They bicker, clash, and banter like teens struggling to survive and make sense of their situation. One of my favorite little gimicks of the story is just how many nicknames there are for every character. Almost everyone has earned a few nicknames. One of my favorite examples is Sho Minamimoto. He’s a reaper with an obsession with math, often infusing his speech with mathematical jargon or expressions, and seems to enjoy erecting “art installations”, which most people can only decipher as towers of trash. Over the course of the story, he gets called Pi-face, the Grim Heaper, and another nickname I can’t even mention because of spoilers. It’s just... such a nice little human touch, these kids throwing crafted insults at a human enforcer of their doom that could almost certainly tear them apart.

I’m getting into this to try to give a sense of why I enjoy TWEWY so much, why it has such a unique place in my heart. Its a game I’ve 100% completed several times over, a task that’s no easy feat with the sheer amount of collectibles and post-game objectives. Unfortunately, for the last year or two, I’ve been kind of dreading this sequel.

Neo:TWEWY has been... a long time coming. Way back in 2007 they had a whole website counting down to some sort of announcement, with the music slowly building in intensity. I remember following it with bated breath, until it finally hit zero! And we got... An ios port of the game. Talk about a let-down. To be fair, apparently it is a solid port, even managing to re-work the old battle system, one that required a second screen to work properly, into one that only needed one. But what that really offered to someone like me was the hint of a sequel, a single image of a new character being shown. They kept flirting with the idea of bringing the series back. The main cast even featured in a Kingdom Hearts game, of all things, even if they didn’t really do a whole lot. But these acknowledgments grew sparser and sparser.

A few years ago, they released a switch port of the game. Not only that, it included an epilogue! They were finally getting a sequel rolling! Of course I bought that game, beat it yet again, and fought my way to the new content and the hint of the new story ahead.

It was... Well. I found it disappointing.

The gameplay was competent, even if it was clear that the epilogue itself really hadn’t had too much put into it. One new character,  new enemies just being reskins of old ones. It wasn’t meant to be dlc itself or anything, it was just there to herald a return to the series. That wasn’t what bugged me. What bugged me was the writing. It was heart-wrenching. It just didn’t feel right. It just felt flat compared to the story I’d enjoyed so many times. But what really killed my excitement was the new character, Coco.

Now, odd personality quirks are not too unusual among the ensemble of TWEWY. Pi-face is just one of the characters that is so infused with a particular theme that it shows in how they express themselves. It’s part of the charm of them, discovering the personalities that live in this dark underworld of Shibuya. But Coco... she talks like the most stereotypical young teenager possible. unironic lols, totez (yes, spelt exactly like that, in a speech format), OMG’s, and just, like, likes everywhere! It felt like someone who knew they needed to make a quirky character but had no idea how to write one well, and just made the most stereotypical caricature possible. I hated seeing that. It embodied every fear I had about the sequel being just a cynical project, pushed forward after so many years  by people who just didn’t understand what made the original great. That mild dread was so persistent that even the release of the first few trailers couldn’t really get me excited for the game. Neo:TWEWY was shifting into 3d from the original 2.5d, with all the problems that could cause. What I could see of the story felt so much more like a generic fantasy tale with some modern buildings than the story I had grown through my teenage years with. And, well... Just look the original Neku and the new one they showed off.

Look at this. Look at one of the most vibrant, eye-catching character designs on the market for any JRPG in history, one that manages to mix purple and orange with striking lights and darks. And then look at the teenager edgelord bullshit they did with him. It’s atrocious. I hate it. He’s just another guy in a black outfit and just too much fucking cool guy protagonist power to not have the story be about him at this point. And look, I know that there’s Story LoreTM, I know that there could be some twist that explains this, I know that him being such a denial of his old self could be the entire fucking point. But let me tell you, when I saw this, I felt years of shifting, misplaced unease coalesce into a hard lump of dread.

And... Even... So... I did the stupidest thing I could have possibly done and preordered the game anyway. Don’t look at me like that, nostalgia is a hell of a drug.

But you know what? The damnedest thing happened. They released a demo for the new game a month before its release. And I played it, and... I enjoyed it.

Did you see that coming? I certainly didn’t. Welcome to the roller coaster.

Right off the bat, the writing soothed a lot of the fears I had. It felt right at home, like being plopped between to teens exchanging banter. One of the first exchanges is Rindo and Fret, his best friend, trying to meet up. Fret wants Rindo to meet him at  someplace called Wunafo, an area Rindo is clueless about. After some annoyed texting, it turns out Fret is actually referring to 104, a local landmark of a building. Fret insists that its a stylish improvement on the name. Rindo only gives him some grief about it..

I’m not doing the scene justice, or I could just be really desperate for half-decent writing, but I can’t deny that it quickly put a smile on my face. I am almost sure I’ve had this conversation before in years past myself. And beyond that, this game boasts voice acting that brings out a ton of personality in the large cast they are introducing (besides Rindo, which is a shame because he’s the protagonist... hopefully he gets over his apathetic teenager shtick eventually). Not everything is voiced, but it conveys so much appeal and personality, and even when the character’s aren’t voiced there is a conversation screen that occasionally breaks out some stylish layouts to convey mood and temperment and clearly draw from the style that made the original game pop so much.

The battles, of course, have been completely revamped. TWEWY had you control two characters, one of which you could customize by equipping up to 6 different pins that all used different motions and unleashed different attacks. Now you control up to four characters, but each one can only use one pin. But even so, it feels very genuine to its roots. An effective build in TWEWY was usually one that let you stagger an opponent so you can unload a bunch of attacks on them, and in Neo:TWEWY the game actively pushes you to folllow up attacks with characters in succession. It would be easy for this to devolve into a mash-fest, but even with the little time I had with the game it introduced a wrinkle in that- an attack that unleashed a single powerful blow, but couldn’t just be unleashed at the end of the previous combo. It needed to be charged for a while, long enough for the combo timer to deplete. So now an effective combo requires thinking ahead, and even after that you’re paying attention to enemies to dodge out of the way when they strike back. It’s entirely possible this system will flop in the late game, but so far it is robust enough for me to think that it will be one that could make me look forward to battles.

The music hasn’t impressed me so far, besides the tracks that have made the transition from the original. But I remember those strange tracks needing some time before I appreciated them too.

Finally, the story has hooked me. I don’t think that needs much more explanation. I want to see more of these characters and see the changes that have been made to the world in what I assume is years after Neku’s game. And to address the elephant in the room, Neku has not made his appearance in what is available in the demo. Odds are I will probably hate whatever they do with him. But there is enough happening in the space around it that I’m interested in exploring, and a bruised apple can still taste sweet.

Almost all of this, of course, is mostly just saying that Neo:TWEWY is not doomed to fail. There is still plenty of room for things to go wrong later on. There are entire systems I haven’t really seen in game, like shops, pin evolution, clothing and food (Though it looks like they have changed the food system significantly, which I approve of). The things that unnerved me so much in the trickle of information after this game’s announcement could still be enough to turn this sour. But I’m smiling as I’m strapping myself in for this ride now, one I’ve waited quite a long time for. Whatever’s coming, I’m excited.

[rollercoasterwrite]

I’m So Curious [Chapter 2]

CHAPTER 1 

Prompt : Jjong is a college student with tight money, but manages to get into a prestigious uni where he becomes friends with Taemin. One day, Tae asks him to go out on a blind date with his cousin Jinki, a notable lawyer who still hesitates about dating someone. Jjong refuses, but the amount of money Tae offers is a sight he can’t ignore. Jinki adores him immediately and after several dates, Jonghyun falls in love with Jinki, but he doesn’t know how to tell Jinki about his agreement with Tae.

Pairing : Jongyu

Genre : romance, fluff, angst, smut (eventually)

Word Count : 9 400 ~

Links : AFF & AO3

Special thanks to Cheryl, my beta once again!!! 

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

If Jonghyun had thought he could've had a peaceful morning after having a troubled night of sleep, he realized he was gravely mistaken.

Loud knocks fell rhythmically against his dorm room's door like a hammer hitting a nail repeatedly, the sound instantly awakening his rage impulse.

He gave the door a death stare it didn't deserve before walking towards it, not even minding that he was only clad in short briefs.

"What?!" he burst out as the door swung open from his forceful pull.

The intent of his demeanour was miserably lost on the young brunette that stood before him. The latter just walked in as if he owned the place, wasting no time settling comfortably on the living room's small couch.

Jonghyun's gaze followed, watching as the other casually hooked a leg over the seat's arm before looking straight at him.

"Did you guys fuck?" 

The question dropped without notice, completely throwing off the blonde's stubborn grumpiness.

"Excuse me?" he let out in a voice that crescendoed from sheer astonishment.

"Why don't you start by closing the door," the other said, unbothered. "Unless you want everyone to know your business."

Jonghyun's bewildered look moved away from the other for the length of time it took to shut and lock the door before he brought it back on him.

"What's your fucking deal?" he voiced as frustration grew back into his tone.

"Don't get mad at me," the younger one replied, scoffing. "Taemin said you went on a date with his cousin, so I wanted to be the first to get the crunchy details."

A feline smile stretched across bowed lips as surprise read boldly on the blonde's face.

"Taemin told you?" the latter asked.

"Didn't you hear my opening question?" the brunette reminded with a frown.

Jonghyun frowned back in confusion before his face slowly relaxed.

"That isn't any of your business," he said, opting for a casual tone this time.

"Well yes, it is," the other countered. "Who else are you going to share this with? It's not like you are going to tell Taemin how good or how bad sex was with his cousin."

Jonghyun gave him a stone-hard look.

"Taemin just wanted me to go on a date with the guy, don't get shit twisted."

"You mean he paid you to go on a date," the brunette corrected. "So you had to put out."

That was enough to make the blonde's blood boil hot. "Kibum," he gritted menacingly. "Get out." "Come on, Jjong," his friend maintained in a calm tone. "I'm not gonna make fun, I just want to know if you had a good time." Jonghyun knew better than to trust those words. "I'm not telling you jack shit." Kibum's face hardened. Cold eyes silently battled with fiery ones before it became clear that a strategic retreat was the best course of action. "Fine," the younger one curtly said. He got back up on his two feet and promptly walked past the other, making sure to slam the door on his way out. A loud sigh left the blonde's mouth before he rubbed some of the tension off his face. It wasn't even 9 am yet and he already felt like the day was dragging on too long. But that wasn't anything new. The only thing that could help revive his functioning corpse was a fresh brew. Not wasting another second on thoughts, he moved to the small space that acted as a kitchen and got his small coffee machine running. As the strong and comforting smell filled the air, Jonghyun closed his eyes, trying to catch a break from everything.

But that was probably the worst thing he could’ve done at that moment. The very image that had played hide and seek with his mind for the past few hours came right at him with vivid details that made his chest and core tighten. His eyes shot open before that sensation could travel any lower.

He reached for one of his cupboard’s handle with a slightly trembling hand and pulled out his favorite mug. It was a light cream-colored mug that was a bit chipped at the rim and had a stained bottom, but it was a memento of moments from the past that he didn’t see himself being able to let go of. Not yet.

He filled it to the brim with the steaming hot liquid, enjoying the stark contrast between the colors. Cream and dark brown met against the fullest of his lips, the softest of inhales giving him a first taste of his favorite remedy. His face inevitably warmed up from the waves of heat that ran out through the tight space created by his hunched stance over his cup. It was then that he sunk in, plunging mouth first into the rich and dark pool that floated before him. Taking the dive had never felt better than in that moment.

A few invigorating laps in, he turned towards his living room to look out through the window. The day was a cloudy one, prefacing possible outbursts of rain. If it were anyone else, that might’ve been a depressing sight, but to Jonghyun it was comforting. He felt his shoulders relax as his eyes stilled on the scenery.

This moment could’ve been perfect in every way, but peace seemed to always be too much to ask for in Jonghyun’s world. Another series of knocks on his door jolted him back into a tense state.

I swear to fucking God…

He had the good sense to put down his cup on the counter before marching back towards the front door to tell his friend off.

"Go away, Kibum," he yelled at the closed door.

A muffled titter reached him from the other side. "Hyung, it’s not Bummie."

At that, Jonghyun felt a stab of anxiety. "Um… I’m… I’m… naked."

"So? I’ve seen your dick before," the other said, raising his voice to be heard.

The blonde had to close his eyes and take a deep breath not to feed into his murderous urges. He knew if he kept arguing through the door, more embarrassing things would probably come out of the other’s mouth, so he had to settle on opening the door. Even if that was literally the last thing he wanted to do right now.

He had barely pulled it open when he felt himself stumble backwards from the force of another body launching forward into him. A thumping sound reverberated from their chests colliding as arms wrapped tightly around his bare torso.

"Get off of me," he ordered, voice muffled from the shock of hair that pressed against part of his face.

The grip around him just got tighter, almost cutting off his breath, and for a moment there, he wondered if this was turning into an attempt on his life. Fortunately, it didn’t get to that as the other let go and stepped back. The grin he was sporting between his full cheeks didn’t feel even slightly reassuring to the blonde.

"What are you smiling about?" the latter asked, nervous.

If it was even possible the brunette’s smile grew even wider. He looked like he was about to burst into a million particles from how frantic his energy felt.

"I knew it!" Taemin finally exploded as he threw his arms up in victory.

Jonghyun cocked a brow, confused. "You knew what?"

There was a pause as the other looked him up and down with a narrowed gaze.

"You said you were naked," Taemin reminded, frown drawing his eyebrows close.

"I lied," Jonghyun admitted.

The brunette’s mouth dropped open as the crease grew deeper between his eyes.

"Why would you do that?"

A visible contraction ran through the blonde’s jaw. "I just wanted to have a peaceful morning, but I guess that was too much to ask for."

With that, he walked back to the counter and picked up his mug, determined to at least enjoy a nice cup of coffee.

"Can you please close the door?" Jonghyun asked as he glanced at the slight opening that remained.

The younger one did just that before taking a few steps towards him.

"I didn’t mean to disturb your peace," Taemin said in a more subdued tone. "I was just really excited to share the good news. "

"And what would that be?" Jonghyun inquired, gripping his mug closer.

Taemin’s lips stretched into a smile again. " He likes you, like a lot. "

And right on cue, Jonghyun’s heart flipped.

Shit.

"Who’s he?" he feigned in a measly attempt to remain in denial.

Taemin crossed his arms, unamused. "For real, now?"

Jonghyun didn’t budge, focusing instead on getting more coffee into his system.

"You know very well who I’m talking about," Taemin stated before his eyes zeroed in on the other’s cup.

"Are you not going to offer me some coffee?" he said, lips curling into a pout.

"Are you not going to finish what you were saying?" Jonghyun echoed, baffled by the sudden change of topic.

"Oh, so you’re interested now?" the younger one fired back.

A staring contest ensued, which the blonde conveniently abandoned to grab another mug from the cupboard. He filled it with what had remained in the coffee pot and handed it to his friend who, in the meantime, had wiggled his way closer.  

"Thank you, Jjongie," the latter cooed as he bounced lightly on his feet.

Jonghyun watched as he took a long first sip, taking that lull in conversation to mentally prepare for what was to come. He really wished he had had his much needed alone time to sort things out.

Feeling like his body would need assistance soon, he moved to the couch and slowly settled onto one of the soft cushions. Of course, that meant being copied two minutes later by the other one who sat right beside him. Jonghyun held in an annoyed sigh.

"So, are you ready to talk about this now?" the brunette verified as he shifted his body aslant to better look at him.  

"Yeah, whatever," Jonghyun answered, shoulders inadvertently hunching over.

"What did you think of him?" Taemin immediately asked.

The blonde’s eyes flicked sideways to catch the other’s face before he reverted to the comforting sight of his filled mug. His mind felt jumbled and whenever that happened, there was a risk he’d say something he would regret. He couldn’t afford that right now. He was naked enough as it was.

"He’s… nice," he finally chose. The simplest answer was surely his best option right now.

Unfortunately, that didn’t seem to suffice for his friend.

"Nice?" Taemin threw back with a cocked brow.

"Yeah," Jonghyun maintained before bringing his cup to his lips again.

"Anything else?" the younger one went on.

"Nope."

A sigh followed, but much to the blonde’s surprise, it sounded like a sigh of relief.

"I fucking knew it," his friend let out.

Jonghyun couldn’t help but look straight at him with a deep frown now creasing his forehead.

"Can you stop with that? What the hell does that even mean?" he snapped as he took in the victorious smile that graced the other’s face.

"You like him too," Taemin sing-songed like an elementary school kid.

"How did you pick that up from me saying he’s nice?"

"I know you too well, Hyung," the other stated. "If you hadn’t enjoyed his company, the first thing that would’ve come out of your mouth would’ve been something negative."

Jonghyun’s mouth dropped open before he shut it tight, his eyes then narrowing into a hateful stare.

The only effect that had was to make the brunette burst out laughing in his characteristic hiccupy laugh, almost spilling some of his coffee over in the process.

"Am I wrong?" he managed to say through his fit.

Jonghyun wished a simple yes could’ve settled the whole matter, but he also knew how bad he was at lying and how pointless it was at this point. That didn’t mean he had to outright admit though.

His stubborn silence had the other getting right back at it.

"I know you won’t just admit to it, but still, I’m happy things went well between you two," he said, voice sincere.

"Also," he added. "I’ve already made the transfer to your account," he casually informed before taking a sip.

That instantly pulled the blonde out of his muteness.

"Tae… I can’t, " he uttered, uncomfortable.

"We already discussed this…"

"Yeah, I know, but… it feels wrong."

The guilt which sprung up through his chest made his head fall forward, his gaze landing straight on his bare thighs.

"It’s really not a big deal," Taemin dismissed. "Anyway, it’s not like I’ll be paying you every time or something."

"Every time?" Jonghyun promptly reacted as he straightened up again. "What do you think this is?"

A sly smile stretched across the brunette’s lips. "Oh, I don’t know. You tell me."

Jonghyun gave him a bewildered look. "You’re not making any damn sense."

"I don’t need to, as long as I get what I mean that’s enough," the younger one indicated with a shrug.  

"In any case," he continued as he put down his cup on the small coffee table before them. "Jinki said he’d be texting you later today, just so you know."

The blonde felt goosebumps prickle his skin.

"I’m sure you have nothing to do with that," he scoffed, partly to divert himself from his body’s betrayal.

The brunette chuckled. "I actually didn’t have to say much." A mischievous smile played on his lips. "One thing you have to know about Jinki is that when he wants something, he is very stubborn about getting it."

Upon hearing those words, Jonghyun’s first impulse was to scream, but he miraculously managed to keep it together despite the shiver that ran through him.  

"Why does that remind me of someone?" he said as naturally as he could.

Taemin laughed. "Oh, I don’t know. "

He then pushed himself back up on his two feet. "I’ll let you enjoy the rest of your morning, Hyung. I gotta meet up with Jongin to practice."

Jonghyun frowned at him. "Again?"

"Well, yeah. We have a choreo to present in contemp’ class this Friday," he quickly defended.

Jonghyun gave him an unimpressed look before deciding that now wasn’t the time to force the issue.

"Yeah, okay, have fun."

He felt the other’s lingering gaze on him as he drank more coffee, but deliberately ignored it. A second later, he heard him mutter something under his breath, but didn’t make any move to show that he cared.

As expected, his demeanour prompted the brunette to leave his dorm without another word, but surprisingly, his door wasn’t slammed shut on his way out.

Jonghyun let out a long sigh as he looked around his living space.

All for a peaceful morning…

***

If Jonghyun had hoped that things would settle, he was once again gravely mistaken. He couldn’t even fault anyone other than himself this time. The inner turmoil he had been experiencing lately wasn’t anything less than strange.

Jonghyun wasn’t one to run after people or be particularly needy. Life had shown him that his best support system was himself and he had chosen to live his life in alignment with that lesson. The friends he had now had been made through a fortunate chain of circumstances that he was very grateful for, but in the back of his mind, he never felt like these relationships could persist over the long haul. He had always believed that he would end up going through life alone. The thought wasn’t even a dark assessment of his life; it just felt like the natural course of things.

That’s why the moment he found himself feeling something that could be categorized as neediness, he felt unsettled. Did he enjoy having company? Yes. Sometimes. Did he miss his friends when they didn’t get to hang out in a while? Yes. Sometimes. Did he ever feel like there was a void if he didn’t get to see other people? No. Not really.

So again, he couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that he was feeling like an abandoned pup right now. It had been five days since Jinki should’ve supposedly texted him and he still hadn’t gotten any news. At first, he had chalked that up to the fact that Taemin had probably mislead him to mess with his head a bit, but by day three, he genuinely started to feel worried and insecure. What if Jinki had just been polite and hadn’t really enjoyed his company?

By now, he had probably had that thought a million times and every time, it felt like a soft stab to his chest. The day before, he had even thought of getting some information through Taemin, but at the last minute, he had buried his words down his throat, still determined on saving face. It was a good thing for his ego, but not so much for his current emotional balance. His eyes had now been glued to his phone for the last ten minutes, distracting him from the composition he had been trying to work on for the past few days. Something he cared about so much was now falling by the wayside because of irrational impulses.

The vibrant blue sky that had graced the day was now morphing into darker shades and soon enough, another day would’ve passed without him getting any kind of relief from his inexplicable predicament. He felt screwed in so many ways, apart from the way he was probably needy for. Jonghyun didn’t do emotional connection, but he did find himself in dire need of physical touch a lot of times. He wasn’t very vocal about it, but it was still very present nonetheless. Popping in some porn and jerking off to it before bed usually did the trick, but even that hadn’t been effective in the past few days.

He had jerked off, but his fuel hadn’t been some mindless porn plot. It had been something very real, but also very foreign. What was becoming clear in his mind was that if things kept up in the way they had, he’d probably have to call up Taemin again. And he certainly didn’t want to have to resort to that.

God… what is wrong with me?

He threw his phone on the empty cushion beside him before picking it right back up two seconds later.

Nothing new.

He groaned loudly at his own pathetic behaviour as his hand clenched tightly around the small device.

Damn you, Tae.

Jonghyun had been perfectly fine with the balance he had before. Was he working himself too hard? Probably. But he was staying focused and disciplined. Now those words felt like a joke to him.

His eyes shut as he took a few deep breaths to settle himself a bit. The exercise was enough to create some much needed mind space. Space that was soon filled with the only solution that could calm his nerves and turmoil.

Call him.

Of course, it was easier said than done, but after another five minutes of internal debate, he stopped fighting.

The loop of rings that reverberated against his eardrum brought his heart rate to a frighteningly high speed and for a moment there, he thought he wouldn’t make it, but the voice suddenly cutting through monopolized his focus.

"Jonghyun?"

The one in question swallowed, simultaneously realizing how dry his throat had become.

"Hello?"

He would be lying if he said he wasn’t thinking about hanging up right this instant, but something stronger than his fear prevented him from doing just that.

"Yes, it’s me."

Jonghyun heard his smile on the other end.

"Was just making sure," Jinki replied. "How are you?"

I’m just about to lose my fucking mind, but I’m good and you?

"I’m fine… I was just… doing some stuff for school," he voiced, feeling awkward.

"And you?"

"Well, first, I’m glad you’re fine," the other said. "Secondly, I could give you my ready-to-go answer or a real answer. Which one do you feel up for?"

"The real one, of course," Jonghyun immediately answered.

"Well…" A sigh followed. "I’ve been swamped with this new case and it’s really not given me any time to breathe. At first, I thought it could just be solved with an easy settlement, but now it’s just a complicated mess..." A longer sigh left him this time.

Guilt weighed on the blonde’s chest at that. He had been so wrapped up in his selfish needs that he hadn’t thought for a minute that the other might’ve had a good excuse for not calling back.

"I’m so sorry you’ve been overwhelmed by that," he offered.

"It’s fine, really," the other immediately said in return. "I’ve been through this type of madness so many times before." He then laughed.

"Still, I hope your workload will lighten up soon."

"I hope so too."

The inevitable awkward silence crept in in that moment, leaving Jonghyun in the face of his pitiful previous behavior.

"I didn’t want to bother you," he started, shameful. "I just…"

Nothing seemed justifiable enough to explain himself.

"Don’t worry about it," Jinki reassured. "I’m glad you called actually. I’ve been feeling guilty about not calling you back like I’d promised."

"But I was going to…" he immediately added. "I just wanted to have more time…"

"I get it," Jonghyun acknowledged, his shoulders relaxing from the relief of not having been forgotten.

"I’m glad you do and I’m sorry," the other said.

"Don’t worry about it,"Jonghyun reassured.

"No, but really, it’s not okay," Jinki went on. "I should’ve taken a few minutes to call you."

"What can I do to make this right again?" he then asked.

Jonghyun felt himself get warm all over. Why is he being like this?

A bunch of ideas popped up in response to his question, but ultimately, they all came down to one thing.

"I’d just like to see you, to be honest."

These words had probably not seen the light more than five times throughout his whole life, but in this moment, it felt like there was no better way to express what he wanted.

"Ah, well," a brief pause ensued, "I can definitely do something about that."

His voice felt like a soft caress against Jonghyun’s ear and he had to bite his lip to prevent any inappropriate sound from leaving him.

"Actually…" the brunette continued. "I’ve been thinking about having ice cream all day and I could definitely use a break right now."

Jonghyun frowned, not sure he was following. "You mean…"

"I mean let’s go eat some ice cream together," the older one reiterated in a cheerful tone.

"Unless, you don’t like ice cream, which would be totally fine too," he immediately added.

"No, no, I like ice cream," Jonghyun confirmed with a bit too much enthusiasm. He noticed immediately, making a mental note to himself to reel it in.

"But what happened with not stress eating?" he couldn’t help but ask, his teasing nature never too far behind.

The brunette snorted. "Pardon my language, but fuck that."

Jonghyun’s eyes widened as a familiar pang hit his stomach.

If he curses again, I’m fucked.

"Amen to that," he played along with a small laugh.

Jinki joined in before speaking again. "In what area do you live?"

"I live on campus," Jonghyun answered.

"Oh," the other exclaimed in surprise. "It’s actually not too far from where I work… maybe fifteen minutes or so," he informed.

Jonghyun found himself feeling a bit too happy about that fact and had to make another mental note to himself to calm the fuck down.

"I’ll just check real quick if there is an ice-cream parlor not far from there," Jinki indicated before falling into silence.

Jonghyun quietly waited, just now noticing the queasy feeling in his stomach that came around whenever he was nervous or uneasy.

Fortunately, he didn’t have to sit with it long.

"Okay, there is one at about a ten-minute walking distance from the campus," Jinki reprised. "Is that okay for you?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Okay, so I’ll text you the address," the older one settled.

"Good."

"I should be there in half an hour."

"Great."

"Okay, so see you soon," Jinki concluded with a smile that didn’t fail to translate at the other end.

"See you soon," Jonghyun reciprocated, a bit more subdued.

As soon as the line cut off, he flopped onto the couch, already overwhelmed by that bit of interaction.

He closed his eyes for a while, just trying to recover. After what seemed like an eternity, he reopened them and finally made a move to get ready. He didn’t have too much time, so he went straight to his room to get changed. He took off his hoodie, his cap and sweatpants and looked through his rack of clothes to pick out something more appropriate for the circumstances.

Jonghyun always chose comfort over style, but he still felt the pressure of making a good impression on the other. He knew there was no need to go all out like last time, but he could definitely put in more effort than he usually would.

As he looked through his items of clothing again and again, he couldn’t help but wish Kibum was there to help him out. Unfortunately, they still weren’t on speaking terms if the looks of hatred he had received from the other in the hallways were any indication. Jonghyun definitely had the luck of befriending the most stubborn people in the world.

After a few more minutes, he finally settled on a loose-fitting grey shirt and dark jeans that were ripped at the knees. He wasn’t sure it was the best choice, but in the end, that’s all he could agree with himself to wear. He completed the look with his black Timbs, thinking to himself that it was the perfect compromise between his worn-out Converses and his classier shoes. Lastly, he ran a hand a few times through his hair, managing to tame some unruly strands that stuck up.    

He couldn’t help but linger a bit too long in front of the mirror before realizing he really had to go. He slipped his wallet into one of his back pockets and travelled back to the living room where he picked up his phone again to look at the directions. Not long after, he was out the door. The evening breeze met him a few minutes later, instantly showing him that the warmth they had experienced during the day had now completely disappeared. He had the mind to go back up to get a light jacket, but his fear of being late trumped the need for warmth.  

His walk was fast-paced bordering on frantic, so what was supposed to take him ten minutes took him six, leaving him surprised when he found himself standing right in front of the parlor. He took a quick look around to see if Jinki was anywhere in sight, but he didn’t see him. Clearly, he was early, but he did hope the other would arrive soon before his nerves took over completely.

By the time the other finally appeared in his line of vision, he had had the time to envision every possible catastrophe that could occur during their time together. He wanted to be relaxed and enjoy this time, but he felt like he was off to an awful start.

"Am I late?" Jinki asked once he had reached him.

"No, no, I just arrived a little early," Jonghyun reassured before his eyes went on to feast on the sight before him.

The taller one was wearing a marine blue suit that did wonders to his silhouette and his dark bangs covered his forehead this time, giving him a softer, but equally enticing look. But that wasn’t even what had him reeling. It was the fact that the white dress shirt that peaked out underneath wasn’t buttoned all the way up.

He had to wonder if it had been that way all day.

An airy laugh pulled him out of his musings.

"It’s probably not the best outfit to wear to eat ice cream," Jinki noted as their eyes met.

Jonghyun felt his face heat up as he realized he had been caught staring.

"It-it should be fine," he stuttered as he rushed to reply.

But I won’t be, his mind threw at him immediately.

Jinki laughed softly. "I’ve probably lost a few good suits to food by now. One more won’t make a difference."

Jonghyun silently disagreed. No, no, this suit needs to stay.

"The trick is to ask for a cup, not a cone," he advised. "It’s less messy."

A slight pout graced the other’s lips, which didn’t fail to make the blonde’s heart flip.

"Cones are more fun though."

Jonghyun acknowledged that with a nod, not trusting himself to speak right this instant.

"Shall we go in?" Jinki prompted with a lopsided smile.

Jonghyun nodded again and a second later, he was following the taller one towards the entrance. As they stepped in, a small bell attached to the door tinkled above their heads, announcing their arrival to whoever owned the shop. For a few seconds, Jonghyun felt blinded by the bright neon lights, reacting to them with a frown and a wrinkling of his nose, but soon enough, the arrival of a middle-aged woman behind the counter brought his focus elsewhere. The woman greeted them with a pleasant smile and a warm welcome, which they immediately reciprocated.

As they walked over to the display cabinet, Jonghyun noticed the only two other people that were in the shop. It wasn’t hard to see that they were a couple. Their eyes were bound in a loving stare and they were holding each other’s hands, the only thing between them being a melting mountain of sundae.

Usually, he would’ve rolled his eyes at such a sight, but this time, he couldn’t. His stomach tightened and he quickly looked away. He didn’t need to look far for a distraction as his eyes fell on a dozen of colorful tubs of ice cream. Jonghyun still didn’t like that the place was so bright, but he could agree that it was probably the best way to make the products look even more appetizing. He knew that, because despite always sticking to his personal favorite, he now found himself staring at the fruit-flavored ice cream and even at the mint-chocolate chip one, which he had always clowned Taemin for loving.

"What are you getting?" Jinki softly inquired as his gaze stayed fixed on the merchandise.

"I usually always go for Rocky Road, but I’m kinda hesitating right now," Jonghyun admitted. "You?"

"I’m in the same predicament as you are. I always go for Vanilla, but damn… everything looks so good."

The blonde’s eyes tore away from the ice-cream to give the other a judging look.

"Vanilla? Really?" he expressed with barely contained disdain.

Jinki met his scowl with a confused expression on his face. "Well yeah… I like the classics."

"You can’t use that to justify eating Vanilla ice cream," the younger one threw back.

The brunette chuckled at that. "Seems like this is a pretty serious issue for you."

"I mean come on, Vanilla’s just sad," Jonghyun blurted before his mind could catch up.

"And I think Rocky Road’s pretty unsophisticated, but I’m not going to stop you from enjoying it."

The quick jab stunned the blonde momentarily, leaving his expression stuck between surprise and indignation.

A laugh left the other. "What? You can dish it, but you can’t take it?"

Jonghyun’s eyes grew even wider as a result, taken aback by the quick repartee.

So you can be cheeky, huh?

Jinki laughed again. "How about we both choose something different tonight?" he suggested as he looked once more at what was before them.

That effectively snapped the younger one out of his shock. "Mm, sounds good," he agreed.

After a few more minutes of going back and forth between choices, they finally settled and soon after, they were sitting face to face at a table in the back.

"How’s yours?" the taller one asked as he watched Jonghyun have a first taste.

"It’s pretty good actually," the latter said as he nodded at the soft green scoops in his cup.

"I like Pistachio too," Jinki acknowledged before tasting his own.  

Jonghyun just stared as the brunette licked off a few layers of ice cream. The hum of pleasure that ensued almost took him out.

"Wow, that’s great," the brunette then let out, impressed. "I guess I can alternate between vanilla and raspberry now, huh?"

Jonghyun couldn’t help but laugh which effectively pulled him out of his trance. "Yeah, it’s good to live dangerously once in a while."

"I guess you’ll have to teach me."

For whatever reason, that made him shiver.

"Ah well… I’m pretty tame, actually," he indicated sheepishly.

"Is that so?" Jinki questioned, gazing straight at him.

Jonghyun wasn’t one to shy away from a look, but the power in those dark orbs was too much for him to handle.

"I think so…" he said as he looked down to his cup again.

That made the other laugh. "That doesn’t sound too convincing."

"Well…" Jonghyun pondered. "It really depends on what you consider dangerous."

His eyes flicked upwards to meet the brunette’s eyes again.

The latter smiled an amused smile. "I’m not much of a risk-taker as you might’ve gathered already, so my definition is probably broader than most people."

Jonghyun’s gaze narrowed with interest. "Even so, you must’ve done something risky once in your life."

JInki’s head lolled from side to side as he mulled over the thought. "I wouldn’t say risky. I just had a rebel phase during my teens like everyone else, but it wasn’t anything special. I just stayed out way past curfew a few times and drank my problems away a little too many times."

The blonde gave a satisfied nod. "That counts."

Jinki scrunched up his nose at that. "No need to give me participation points."

That made Jonghyun burst out laughing and he instinctively brought a hand up to cover his mouth.

"I’m not!" he refuted.

The brunette clicked his tongue before diving once again in his now melting raspberry delight. The ice cream was sliding past his cone and onto his fingers, but he didn’t seem to care.

And Jonghyun certainly didn’t mind either.

"That was pretty much how wild my teens were to be honest," he went on, more so to distract himself from the view before him. "Now that I’m in college, I really don’t have time to be messy or anything."

That made Jinki freeze, leaving his ice cream alone for a moment. "Why don’t I believe you?" he then said with a slight frown.

Jonghyun could feel his face heat up, but he tried to ignore it by going for a shrug.

"I don’t know," he just said.

The brunette squinted at him before his lips slowly stretched into a cryptic smile.

Jonghyun waited for him to voice his thought, but he didn’t, instead moving his focus back on his treat. He had to follow suit as his own ice cream was starting to puddle in its container.

It was another few minutes before Jonghyun was faced with an empty cup and Jinki chewed his way to the last bit of his cone. Not many words had been exchanged between them in the meantime, but Jonghyun couldn’t have found it in him to speak. Not when one of Jinki’s legs suddenly moved to brush against his in a manner that couldn’t be chalked up to coincidence. He had dared to glance at the taller one to get further reassurance, but his face hadn’t given anything away. The brunette had just given him one of his radiant smiles that did nothing to help.

And now that they were done eating and Jinki was wiping his fingers clean with a napkin, Jonghyun had to wonder what was going to happen next.

"I’m just going to stop by the washroom real quick, I’ll be right back," Jinki said, cutting through his musings.

Jonghyun just nodded and watched him walk away, not failing to catch how good his ass looked in his form-fitting pants. Once he disappeared, he let out a deep breath he had apparently been holding longer than necessary before he went back to reviewing his options.

He clearly didn’t want this moment to end, but he also didn’t know where they stood right now. Clearly, Jinki was sending him a message, but he wasn’t confident about his interpretation of it. The slightest touch could mean so much more to him than what it really was. If it weren’t anything serious, he would risk it, but the present circumstance just didn’t feel like any other time.

It felt different. And Jonghyun didn’t know how to handle it.

He spent the remainder of his time alone trying to figure out what he could say or what he could do, but he wasn’t able to come up with a clear plan before the other stepped out of the washroom.

His panicked state must’ve read clearly on his face, because the first thing that came out of the taller one’s mouth as he settled before him once more was, "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, totally," Jonghyun lied as he tried to play it cool.

Jinki chuckled. "Good, because I’d like to bring you somewhere."

Jonghyun’s brows furrowed at that. "Somewhere?"

"Yeah," the brunette simply said, smiling. "I don’t want to tell you more, but I’d like for you to say yes."

Was Jonghyun the type to follow someone he barely knew to a location he had no information about?

"Yes," he immediately answered, his heart rate picking up simultaneously.  

Apparently, he was.

It wasn’t long before they were back outside, being greeted this time by a pitch-dark sky under which the streetlamps shone with a stark brightness. Their surroundings were pretty much void of any other human life making their walk to the car a peaceful and intimate moment.

Jonghyun was mindlessly walking besides the taller one, deciding that his fate pretty much wasn’t in his hands anymore. He was deliberately taking his hands off the wheel and letting the other take full control. That was something he hadn’t done in a while and the retrieval of that carelessness definitely felt invigorating. But he was doing his best to stay calm and keep his energy under control. Otherwise, he was scared he might blow his chance.

They finally came to a halt after walking down the street for a few minutes, stopping in front of a majestic Rolls-Royce. Jonghyun’s eyes widened at its sheen and pristine look, his mind quickly kicking in to remind him of their difference in status.

His ears caught the other’s laugh, but he was still stunned.

"I made the same face when I first saw it," the brunette shared. "Only to realize with time that it wasn’t that different from any other car."

Jonghyun’s gaze shifted to him, brow cocked. "I’d be really curious to know what you have in mind when you say any other car."

Jinki laughed again. "You probably have a point here. Nonetheless, a car is a car."

Following that, he unlocked the doors and made his way to the driver’s side, leaving Jonghyun to settle into the passenger’s seat.

The blonde let himself slide slowly onto the leather seat, every creak of the material under his weight making him hypervigilant of his every movement.  

The brunette’s amused smile let him know that he was probably overdoing it, but he couldn’t help feeling like he was about to fuck something up.

The soft rumble of the car’s engine calmed him a bit as the other’s hands settled on the wheel. It wasn’t long before the vehicle was hitting the road, prompting once again a warning thought in Jonghyun’s mind as to the potential danger that lay in this venture.  

He quickly pushed it away and focused his gaze ahead, looking at the buildings and greenery with a blank interest. The way the surroundings were drawing themselves with each passing intersection felt familiar for the first fifteen minutes of the ride, but soon after, the scenery changed.

There were no more buildings to be seen, leaving in their stead open fields stretching on either side of the road. Jonghyun suddenly felt compelled to ask about their whereabouts, but they hadn’t exchanged a word since the beginning of the ride. Now, the silence was a third party that just couldn’t be thrown out the window.

So Jonghyun held his peace, his hands meeting for a fidgeting dance every few minutes as his sharp teeth gnawed at his bottom lip in a pulsing fashion. He didn’t mean to be nervous or suspicious, but if anything, his survival instinct still had a seat at the table.

It was another ten minutes of the same before they left the fields behind to meet with a viaduct that passed over dark depths of water. Only when they reached the end of it, where concrete met land again, did the car slow down before coming to a stop.

That did nothing to help with the blonde’s nerves, but he chose to stay faithful to silence just a bit longer. The other’s soft breathing reached his ear again as the engine fell asleep. Jonghyun dared give a look his way, immediately meeting his eyes in the process.

The brunette smiled as if it were the most natural thing in the world and that was enough to make his shoulders relax a bit.

"I’m sorry if you were expecting something more glamorous," the other uttered somewhat apologetically.

Jonghyun couldn’t help but snort. "I wasn’t, but you do have some explaining to do."

Jinki laughed at that. "Of course, but let’s step out first."

He followed that up with the retrieval of his car keys and the unbuckling of his seatbelt before opening the door and sliding out of his seat. Jonghyun stayed still for a few seconds, still uneasy, before he finally pushed himself to follow him out, the sound of the car doors slamming shut following each other at a second of interval.  

It wasn’t long before Jinki was before him, a coy smile now dancing on his lips.

"So, " he started, hands settling deep into his pants’ pockets. "What do you think of this place?"

Jonghyun cocked a brow, perplexed. "Seriously?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, it’s…"

Creepy.

"It’s…" he tried again as his eyes took in the scenery once more.

"Spacious."

The brunette chuckled. "You’re nice for not saying what’s on your mind."

Jonghyun blinked at him as a sudden warmth spread across his face.

"I know it’s not quite paradise on earth, but for me, it’s… a peaceful place," Jinki shared as he moved his gaze to the river that rhythmically danced a few meters from them.

His eyes went back to him again before he added, "I just wanted to share that with you."

Jonghyun’s heart flipped inside his chest right on cue, making it possible for him not to bite his lip.

"How often do you come here?" he asked to move the conversation into more comfortable territory.

"Whenever I need to clear my mind," Jinki informed. "Which can be one or a few times per week, to be honest," he added before smiling again.

But Jonghyun could see sadness in his smile and that was enough to make his heart ache.

"How did you find this place?" he instinctively asked.

"I was trying to escape," Jinki admitted as he leaned back against the side of the car.

A deep crease grew between the blonde’s eyebrows. "Escape from what?"

A soft sigh crossed the taller one’s lips. "From my parents."

"Why? What happened?"

"It was a few years ago…" the brunette prefaced as his gaze fell towards the ground. "I went to theirs for what I thought was just a dinner, but it turned out that they had invited this girl over to introduce us…"

Jonghyun didn’t miss the clench that punctuated the other’s jaw as he fell silent. The memory was clearly painful, making him regret he had asked any further questions.

"We don’t have to talk about this, Jinki," he voiced as his eyes settled with worry on his dark expression.

The shift was instant. The other’s face relaxed and he looked back up, a hand reaching behind his neck to rub it as he smiled again, embarrassed.

"I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get all serious like that," he said.

Jonghyun’s chest tightened. He was aching to give him a hug, to bring him some peace, but he wasn’t sure he could just now.

So, he went for the next best option.

"It’s okay," he reassured as he settled right beside him against the car. He immediately became hyperaware of the closeness between them, making it hard to concentrate on anything else.

"Thank you for sharing this with me," he managed to say as his eyes flicked up to reach the other’s.

He was answered with an intent look that menaced to make him burst into a million pieces.

"Can I be honest with you?" the taller one asked as his body shifted to look straight at him.

Jonghyun’s eyes widened as he took in the little space that was left between their faces, but despite his internal meltdown, he found himself able to nod.

"I really like you."

Jonghyun’s body faltered at that, his chest collapsing under a sharp stab that made him whimper against his will.

"Come again?" the older one teased with a cheeky smile.

A bright blush colored his cheeks, making him want to dig himself into a deep hole right that instant.

"That’s not fair," he grumbled with a small pout. "You can’t just spring stuff like that on people."

"So, you would’ve have preferred I hadn’t said anything?" Jinki said, amused.

Jonghyun retaliated with a punch to his arm, making the taller one burst into laughter.

"Yah, this isn’t funny. That should’ve hurt," he fussed, crossing his arms over his chest in protest.

"How can I not laugh when you’re acting this way?" the brunette pointed out.

"Are you making fun of me?" the blonde threw back.

"Not at all, I just think you’re cute," the other swiftly replied.

Another stab. Followed by a shiver. Jonghyun was pretty sure now that he wouldn’t survive this night.

"Yah, you’re pretty smooth for someone who hasn’t been on the dating scene," he observed, frustrated.

"If my honesty comes off that way, I’ll take that as a compliment," Jinki said with a light shrug.

"But I’m starting to get worried you don’t feel the same way, you’ve just been stalling this whole time…" he remarked with a pout of his own.

Apart from being subjected to one of the cutest sights he had ever seen in his life, Jonghyun also had to deal with his own mind and heart racing like there was no tomorrow.

"I really like you too," he said before he wouldn’t be able to anymore.

"Thank god," Jinki let out as he smiled in utter relief.  

Jonghyun frowned. "Are you really surprised? Cause if there’s something I’m not good at it’s being subtle."

The brunette chuckled at that. "I mean, I had my doubts…but it’s always nice to get some type of confirmation."

"I mean it’s really not in my MO to call first," Jonghyun indicated.

That instantly piqued Jinki’s curiosity. "What’s your usual MO then?"

Jonghyun couldn’t help but feel embarrassed at that. "Well, I mean…" He rubbed the back of his neck. "I’m usually the casual encounter type of guy."

"Aah," the other acknowledged with a small laugh before saying, "So, I’m probably going too slow for you, huh? "

The blonde’s eyes widened at that. "No, no, not at all," he uttered in panic. "Like I said, it’s not the same, I-"

A gasp left his mouth as warm hands settled on his hips and pulled him closer. His eyelashes quivered slightly as he then felt them move to the small of his back, holding him tightly in place.

By the way Jinki was looking at him, he knew he wasn’t the only one who wanted so much more right now, but he was still wary of not losing himself just yet.

"Can I kiss you?" the brunette asked against him as his lips inched closer to his, their breaths meeting first before anything else could follow.

Jonghyun was left unable to do anything else other than nod, the warmth emanating from the other’s body almost making him dizzy. Jonghyun was used to encountering hot people, but this man right here was a different kind of hot.

And he got even more confirmation of that as the taller one’s lips captured his with an urge that made his heart thump loudly inside his chest and his eyes flutter closed.

He let himself be kissed without restraint, melting under the feeling of the other’s soft lips claiming his before moaning as he felt his tongue find his with an ease that felt almost too good. The sweet tang of the ice cream flavor he got a taste of only added to his hunger. Instinctively, he brought his arms up around the taller one’s neck, pulling him a bit further down to squeeze him closer, to feel him deeper.

Catching the low groan that elicited from him, Jonghyun returned the kiss more fiercely, wanting to see how close to the edge they could push themselves. They kissed without pause until the limit drew itself at the lack of air in their lungs.

Jinki pulled back first, drawing with his retreat a whine of complaint from the blonde.

The latter quickly resolved his need for more by lolling his head a bit to kiss the brunette’s neck, relishing the shiver that accompanied his ministrations.

"Fuck, Jonghyun…" Jinki breathed against him, fingers digging into his hips again as he tried his hardest not to buck his own forward.  

Jonghyun’s lips travelled up to his jaw, giving it a small poignant bite before he pulled back a bit to meet the taller one’s eyes again. The latter’s face was tense, and his eyes had that sheen of desire he was sure could be read in his own.

"Did you also bring me here to fuck, Jinki?" he dared as one of his hands slowly travelled down the other’s covered chest, relishing the softness of the material under his palm.

The brunette’s gaze narrowed just a bit more, focusing on the subtle blush that graced the younger one’s cheeks with a hunger he hadn’t felt in a really long time. If he were to only listen to his dick’s brain, he probably would fuck him right here and then.

And Jonghyun was making it incredibly hard to resist as his hand finally reached his belt and tugged on it with a provocative playfulness.

"So, am I right?"

Jinki’s eyes darted downwards, looking at how close the blonde’s small hand was to his crotch and thinking about how much he wanted it on it. Images of being brought to completion flashed in his mind and he had to bite down hard on his lip not to moan.

Out of precaution for his sanity, he grabbed the other’s hand and moved it away from him.

"Do I look like the kind of guy that would bring you to such a secluded place to fuck?"

Jonghyun shrugged. "I don’t know, you tell me," he said in a tone that had accents of challenge.

"Well, if you must know, my MO’s pretty much the opposite of yours," Jinki informed before chuckling a bit at the frown that drew itself on the smaller one’s pretty features.

"What does that mean?"

Jinki’s laughter died right that moment, unnerving Jonghyun deeply. He didn’t have much time to linger on it though as the brunette’s face came close to his again. Just when he thought he would be granted with the gift of another kiss, the other moved his head slightly, bringing his lips to his ear.

"It means that I like to wait," he whispered before pulling back again.

Jonghyun’s eyes had closed at the sound of his voice, lingering on the undertones of it for a few more seconds before he opened them again. His spine was still tingling from the shiver that had just run through it, leaving him in a heightened state of sensitivity.

He couldn’t help but want to be close to him, to feel more of him, but most of all, he didn’t want to force anything. Despite the way the other had chosen to get his point across, Jonghyun could still feel he was pretty serious about it. Jinki didn’t seem like the type of guy to play around with his words.

"Waiting it is then," Jonghyun acknowledged not without a tinge of disappointment pinching at his heart.

Jinki seemed to pick up on that, because a second later, he was laughing. "Don’t worry, I don’t mean waiting until marriage," he reassured. "I just want to get to know you better first."

Jonghyun felt his heart flutter. "Sure," he simply said as he tried to remain calm.

The brunette smiled softly. "I probably should bring you back home now," he indicated as his gaze travelled around them.

The blonde did the same, only then realizing how dark their surroundings had become.

"Yeah, okay," he agreed.

A few seconds later, they were back in the car, fastening their seatbelts, before Jinki had the engine running again.  

The ride back seemed to pass by a lot quicker even though they fell into the same shared silence as before.

As they crossed into familiar territory again, Jonghyun started bracing himself for the moment when they’d have to say goodbye. His neediness for the other still felt incredibly odd, but he just couldn’t help it.

The thought of asking him to come up to his dorm crossed his mind, but when the car finally stopped in front of his building, he felt stupid for it. He could wait a little more.

"I’m really happy we got to spend the evening together, Jonghyun," Jinki said as he smiled at him once more.

"Me, too," Jonghyun echoed as he unbuckled his seatbelt. "Thank you for bringing me back home."

"It’s the least I could do after bringing you out to nowhere," the other replied, laughing.

Jonghyun couldn’t help but join in. "I suppose. " He then looked down to his hands, thinking. "Since you showed me something significant for you tonight, maybe next time, I could do the same?" he proposed, a little nervous.

A slight push of the other’s hand under his chin had him looking right into his eyes again.

"I didn’t do that to put pressure on you. We can just go with the flow, really," Jinki said before bringing the same hand up to his cheek to give it a soft caress.

Jonghyun’s eyes closed again, trying to grasp every delineation of his touch. "Okay," he gently uttered under his breath.

Once he let himself meet his eyes again, he couldn’t help but want just a little more.

"Can I get a goodnight kiss?" he asked, somewhat embarrassed.

Jinki nodded before inching closer to him. Jonghyun sighed as their lips met in a soft, slow kiss, his heart rate picking up greatly from the feel of it.

It almost felt like a tragedy when the other pulled back to create a small window of space between them.

"I’ll call you soon, for real this time," Jinki promised before leaving a quick peck on his lips.

Jonghyun nodded in turn and waited for the other to settle back comfortably into his seat before finally making a move to step out.

It was only when he was up and standing on the sidewalk after watching the other drive away that he realized how much he was already addicted to this man.  

And that was definitely a problem.

[peachy-blinderss]

What? I Am a Good Girl.

Written for the following request: 

Could you do a Tommy one where everyone thinks you're some good girl that doesn't get mixed up in the business, but one day they find you helping Tommy get a hit planned out?

Warnings: Swearing, Violence, Alcohol, guns, Mentions of death and beatings. Typical Peaky stuff. 

Word Count: 1042

Ok so I may have gotten a little carried away. i seriously had a blast writing this and it felt so good to write again. I hope it is what you expected dear requester and I hope it’s what you imagined. I will be doing a part two for this because it needs it and I didn’t think I could fully develop the plot in one go. I seriously love friends to lovers AUs especially with Tommy so watch out world because it’s headed that way. This fic was inspired by two songs.

This first is “I’m a Good Girl” from Burlesque (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDPR5EoYqOs)

and the second is “Good Girls” by 5SOS (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FfG_5JBVBQ)

I would definitely recommend listening to these songs to get in the mindset for this fic. Please go easy on me as I haven’t edited it yet and I am very rusty. I know the formatting s a little f-ed up and clunky but I need to shake the rust off lol. Drop a comment if you like it! 

Much love, 

Lex

xx

Also someone remind me how to insert that line thing across posts because it doesn’t give me the option anymore lmao. 

Another note: I will be without Wifi for the next week because I am going to stay with my elderly grandma and she does not have it. I will do what I can on my phone, but it also seems impure to write smut and fanfiction next to my 85 year old grandma lmao. 

                                                        ✺ ✺

    You were always a good girl. You always did what you were told in order to please your demanding father. Or so he thought. While you loved him dearly, he didn’t have the most modern thoughts on how women should behave. Running around with rowdy boys was not something he looked upon fondly. He wanted you to have a better life than he gave you, so he made sure you took your studies seriously. He was not keen on you running around with the Shelby boys, and much preferred when you did schoolwork with Ada. Nevertheless, you and Ada still followed the boys around like lost puppies, bookbags trailing behind you. 

     The Shelby’s had always seen you as a little sister. Well almost all of them did. Tommy and Ada were the only exception. While the others couldn’t get past your manners and pristine school uniform, Tommy always saw through you. You were the same age as Tommy and he always encouraged your sense of adventure. It was he who you had your first sip of alcohol with on your father’s roof. It was he who taught you how to throw a left hook. It was he who taught you how to shoot a gun. He drug you out of the library many a night to go drinking at the Garrison. He saw the sides of you didn’t show anyone else. 

       You had been friends since nearly the womb and were inseparable. Your sharp tongue kept Tommy in his place when everyone else was too afraid to tell him off and he loved that about you. He admired your intelligence, and as you grew older and he took over the family business, he began consulting you on nearly everything. Everyone thought Arthur was his right-hand man, but secretly, it was really you. Even still, Tommy did try to hide the nastier parts of the business from you. Despite this, you were far too sharp to not notice the bruises and scabbed knuckles. You let Tommy believe you were unaware of the illegal side of the business until the night he showed up at your flat beaten bloody. He pushed away your concerned hands and slumped in a kitchen chair. You knew better than to speak first so you quietly got some whiskey as Tommy lit a cigarette. You sat down across from him at your tiny kitchen table and poured him a drink. He downed it in one go. Typical. 

     Tommy stubbed out his cigarette and ran his bruised hands across his weary face. He titled his head back and let out an agitated sigh. After what seemed like hours, he finally spoke. 

“I’m in trouble y/n,” he said while raising his eyes to meet yours. 

    You scoffed in response. Secretly, you were scared. Tommy always put on a brave front for you. He knew you were easily stressed and often lied to you about what violent things he was taking part in. You knew whatever he was dealing with must have been bad if he was telling you about it willingly. Nevertheless, you tried to make light of the situation to calm your shaking heart. 

“When aren’t you in trouble Thomas,” you said sarcastically. 

   Tommy only rolled his eyes in response, before putting a bloody handgun on your worn table. Your eyes zeroed in on his dexterous fingers as he quickly took a bullet out of the gun’s chamber. You were confused until he handed you the bullet. Your breath caught in your throat as you ran your finger over the Tommy crudely scratched onto the bullet’s side. 

“Tommy, what the fuck is this? Are you playing a joke on me right now? Because this is not funny,” you said quickly. 

 He looked at you and laughed mirthlessly. 

“You are smarter than that y/n,” he sighed out. “Found this on some bloke’s body after I killed him. He and some other goons jumped me as I was locking the door to the Birmingham factory. He was the only one I managed to kill, the others got away.”

    You reached across the table and grabbed his hands. You were furious that this happened to your best friend and you were willing to do anything to help him. 

“Who were they Tommy? Don’t lie to me because I know you know.” 

“They were foot soldiers from this small-time gang in Manchester. Those fuckers have been harassing our bookies for months. James Burton leads them and he is one ambitious fucker I’ll give him that,” he grunted out as he lit another cigarette. 

“How can I help, you know I’ll do whatever I can Tommy. Please let me,” you begged as you pleadingly grabbed his forearm. He glared at you as soon as you finished speaking. 

“It’s too dangerous for you y/n you know you can’t…” 

     You cut him off before he could finish speaking. He sighed because you were stubborn just like him and he knew you wouldn’t give up until he heard what you had to say.

“Do not tell me I can’t help Thomas. I know the business better than anybody. I’m quick with a gun, and no one would suspect a woman. Please I can help you, just trust me,” you said indignantly. 

         Part of him knew he should have kept his mouth shut, but the other part of him knew he sought you out for a reason. He trusted you more than anyone and he was struggling with keeping this from you. Despite this, he couldn’t imagine what he would do if you got hurt. Your soft voice and teary eyes broke his resolve.

“Please Tommy, I can do this, I know I can,” you tried to say as firmly as possible through your tears. 

      Tommy sighed heavily. He would do anything for you and he would do whatever possible to give you what you wanted, you knew it too. He had a lot of thinking to do if this was going to work. He stood abruptly.

“Fine. Be at my office at 7 am sharp to go over the details. Do not be late or the whole thing is off,” he huffed out. 

      You smiled happily as he planted a quick kiss to your head and walked out the door.

[snarkwrites]

06 | gangsta ; sweetpea

Notes:

So.. the sexual tension. The longing. The lingering touches and all that awkward but cute shit.. That’s starting here. Can we say sloooow burn? Because considering I’m now six chapters deep and they really haven’t... Done too much as far as touching / flirting / interacting, yeah.. That’s what this is. If you weren’t looking for a slow burn, I’m honestly not sure what to tell you? Other than oops? Oh.. Also.. this chapter and the next one I’m posting will have a few days lapse between them as far as timing. So... just so you know. It’s alluded that Sweet Pea and Alyssa have kind of bumped into each other between this chapter and the next one, if that makes sense.

Also.. I’ve pretty much planned out what stuff I am using / changing a little now, so that’s good. I have a general idea. I might even add my own events / plots to this. I’m kind of.. tempted.

Warnings:

non canon compliant - this is the biggest warning, so if you’re into things that follow exact canon plot you are... definitely not going to like this. angst & slow burn, heavy sexual tension starting now, actually - this is just so everyone who started reading this thinking the smut would transpire in a hurry knows that apparently, it is not. violence / swearing & fighting, possible underage drinking and other shenanigans - look.. it’s high school. shit happens. also apparently, my ofc Alyssa uses the word fuck like all the time?... eventual sexual content / a virgin original character - this one is self explanatory. yes, i plan to write a smutty chapter in this at some point. when? i don’t rightly know. it’s got a while before we get there.

Pairing:

Andrews!Sibling OFC, Alyssa x Sweet Pea

Other Parts:

[ one - two - three - four - five - soundtrack ]

Other Stuff:

[ faq - tag list doc ]

Tagging:

@brithedemonspawn​ is the only person on my Riverdale tag list. If you’d like to be tagged for this story by all means.. Please let me know. Please, I beg. It’d make me super duper happy!!!

                                                     SIX.

“You could come up to the lake house with us. It beats sitting around here moping.” Veronica spoke up as she stepped in front of the television set in my father’s living room. I tried to peer around her, grumbling because naturally, she’d pick the one scene in the entire episode I’d been dying to see since I started to re-watch the show and she’d block it.

“You realize I am trying to see Charlie Hunnam’s bare ass right now, right?” I asked calmly. Reaching for the half melted pint of butter pecan ice cream on the table in front of me and my spoon. Nodding to the empty spot on the couch that wasn’t taken up by my legs. Veronica sat down and for a few minutes, neither of us really said anything.

“What’s your attraction to this show?”

“Jax Teller, Opie Winston... Motorcycles.. But mostly Jax Teller.”

“Which one is he?”

“The blond with the very nice backside.” I nodded towards the shot I’d been waiting an entire season for, Jax Teller getting out of the shower and walking across the room.

“You definitely don’t have a type, no, not at all.” Veronica gave a soft laugh as she muttered the words. With the scene out of the way, I turned to the side to look at her.

“I’m not even going to ask what you meant by that.” I muttered.

Things were always awkward and tense between us. We were polite. But that was about the extent of it. And I felt bad about it. Obviously not bad enough to actually make an effort, even though she seemed like a really nice girl and she made my brother really happy. Happier than he’s been in a long time if I’m being honest.

I just couldn’t get past the rift her family caused in mine.

Then there was her mother, trying to hook up with my father while her actual husband was locked up in prison… But mostly, the tension her father caused between my father and my brother.

“Listen.. I heard everything that happened between you and Reggie. And if you want to come to the lake house..”

I shook my head. “ I am not crashing on the whole double date getaway you guys have going on. Besides, I doubt I’d be good company right now.”

“You wouldn’t be crashing!” Veronica was quick to speak up. “I know you don’t like me. But your brother loves you and I really.. I want to try to get to know you.”

I nodded. Taking a deep breath as I admitted quietly, “It’s not you, okay? Look. I have zero problem with you. It’s all the crap that’s going on with my brother and your dad. I’m… I’m worried about him and how far he’ll go.”

Veronica sighed. We went quiet again and she admitted after a few minutes, “I am too. If you want the truth, I don’t really like how close my dad is to him either. I don’t trust it.”

I eyed her, a brow raised.

“That’s like a dream situation though. If your father likes him, you don’t have to worry about him resorting to any of his typical clownery to end things with you two.” I curled the ends of my hair around my fingertip as I tried to understand why she wouldn’t like her father and my brother bonding a little.

Then it hit me. It had to feel awkward. Your father popping in to borrow your boyfriend. But the look on her face told me that wasn’t the only reason.

“I know what my father’s capable of. And the more I try to stop it, the more he manages to get by with. I hate everything he’s done, okay? I just.. Wanted you to know that.”

I let her words sink in.

Eyeing her as I weighed mine. Managing a smile.

“You make my brother happy. I like him happy. So if you really want to try and get to know each other, we can. But I’m not going to intrude on you guys weekend get away, because one, awkward as hell and two, I can imagine that already happens enough with your dad butting in to get him to do something or another.”

Veronica nodded, smiling. “I understand. What are you going to do this weekend?”

“Honestly?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m probably going to rewind that one scene five million times and burn it in my mind… I thought about going down to the theater and catching that horror marathon but I dunno.” I shrugged.

“A horror movie by yourself?”

“Mhm.”

After my brother came downstairs, the two of them left for the weekend and I locked the door behind them, leaning against it. Wandering over to my dad’s stereo, turning it on a hard rock station I listened to when I was home by myself just to drive out the lack of noise in the house.

I wandered into the kitchen, gathering up dirty dishes and moving them to the sink. Taking chicken out of our freezer to thaw because I thought about making chicken parmesan for me and dad when dad got off work tonight.

Vegas wandered into the kitchen and dropped his leash at my feet with a soft thud. I stopped what I was doing to lean down and pet him, nodding to the door. “In a few minutes, buddy. I’ll go find pants.”

I finished piling dishes into the sink and I wandered into the laundry room, digging around in the dryer for the jeans I’d taken off earlier, tugging them up. The door bell was literally being leaned on and I froze.

Took a few deep breaths and reminded myself that all the Black Hood nonsense was behind Riverdale because the guy was dead. Thinking it was Archie and he forgot something and was in a hurry, I made my way over to the door, unlocking it. “Hold on, Archie, damn.”

It wasn’t Archie.

Reggie stood there.

“What do you want?” I scowled.

“I miss you, okay? This is driving me crazy. Can we at least just talk about what you heard?”

“What exactly is there left to say? You were basically gambling on my virginity.” I frowned and shook my head. Shivering as the wind picked up a little.

“We can go inside and talk, Alyssa.”

“I just told you. I have absolutely nothing to say to you. Look… what you did hurt, okay? Because  I thought… nevermind.” I muttered, going quiet. Blowing at bangs I’d just gotten cut earlier in the week. He reached out to attempt pushing my hair out of my eyes and I leaned away. Vegas yelped impatiently from the doorway, his leash in his mouth now.

Seeing Reggie, he started to make his way over. Reggie bent to pet the dog and I cleared my throat. “You need to go.”

“Just let me say what I came to say.”

I tapped a bare foot against white painted wood slats and tilted my head, gazing up at him. Waiting.

“The only reason I made the stupid bet to begin with is because you’re literally the one girl I couldn’t work up the nerve to flirt with. And when I did, my charm didn’t work on you. Kinda when I started to fall. You gave me a hard time, princess.”

“ I kind of wish I’d stuck to that, actually.” I muttered. “All you had to do, Reggie, was just talk to me? Ask me on a date, I don’t know…”

“I was stupid, okay?” Reggie went quiet. Stepped a little closer. “ I love you. When I made the bet, I didn’t know how I felt about you at all. Then I started to fall and I tried to get out of the bet, Alyssa, you have to believe me. I tried to tell you but every time I’d think about it, I’d freak out because you’re the first actual good thing I’ve had in my life in a while, okay?”

I scoffed. “Yeah, I doubt that.”

“I mean it. And I’m not going to stop trying to prove it.”

I shrugged. “Do whatever you want but I’m not guaranteeing it will work. I already went against my gut instinct and gave you a chance to begin with.”

I shivered a little, hugging myself. Reggie placed his hands on my upper arms, rubbing them. Gazing down at me.

“Reggie, you need to go. I just need to think.”

“Thinking is better than you saying you hate me now… I just.. You were my best friend when we were kids.. Then I kinda fell for you and now stuff just sucks.. I don’t have my best friend or the girl I love. Anything is better than nothing.”

Reggie left and I walked back inside, flinging myself at the couch. Pulling myself together for a few seconds. Really letting what he said sink in. Trying to figure out if I felt the same thing. Or if I felt anything at all.

I finally gave up trying to force myself into a decision and after leashing Vegas, I wandered out into the chilly night air. Down to Pickens Park because Vegas likes to wander around the big grassy area between the ballfields and the playground.

After playing  fetch with a stick Vegas bought over to me, I flopped onto the grass. Vegas settled beside me and I found myself just kind of lounging there lazily, watching the clouds roll over the darkening sky lazily. Pointing at constellations when I spotted one. Vegas seemed content to just lounge there, his head resting on my stomach with me lazily giving him behind the ear skritches.

A throat cleared from nearby.

Sweet Pea stepped out, hands in his pockets. Wandering over to where I’d lazily flopped onto the grass. Sitting down nearby with his back against the tree. Close but keeping a healthy distance between us.

“Do you always lay in the park at night and talk to your dog?”

“What if I do?” I answered, rolling onto my stomach, propping on my elbow to gaze at him, my hair promptly cascading in front of my face like a messy red curtain.

“Damn it. I should’ve just chopped it all off.” I grumbled, pushing my hair out of my eyes to look at him.

“You’d look hideous bald.” Sweet Pea flashed me a teasing smirk.

“Hmphf.” I grumbled in response to his comment. “What brings you to the boring side of town?”

Sweet Pea shrugged. “Wyrm was crowded. Full of shouting kids and shit. I wanted to take a walk.”

“Toni and Cheryl went to see that movie tonight.” I laughed softly. “They asked me if I wanted to go but I said I wanted to stay home. Kind of just not feeling it. Then my brother’s girlfriend asked if I wanted to go on that weekend trip they all took.”

“You could be soaking in a hot tub right now.” Sweet Pea teased, a lesser seen teasing smile tugging at his mouth as he glanced at me.

“Honestly? I’d rather eat glass than indulge in anything Hiram Lodge is a part of. I’ll be nice to Veronica and try to get to know her, but that’s pretty much it. You know he brought my brother a car, right?”

“Yeah. I heard.” Sweet Pea answered, glancing over at me.

“Dad wasn’t thrilled with it either. That’s fine. Absolutely fine. I want Dad’s truck anyway. I’ll just spend weekends helping dad work on it. It’ll be more time I can spend with the grumpy old man.” I smiled to myself. One good thing about moving to Riverdale was that I was finally getting to spend more time with my father and my brother.

“You couldn’t even see over the wheel though. Can you even drive to begin with?” Sweet Pea shot me a teasing glance. Quick to step away from me just a little further, raising his hands. “I’m not trying to invoke the wrath of the midget.”

“It’s called a booster seat, asshole. And actually yeah. I do okay at driving. I mean aside from a go kart incident back in Chicago...” I teased right back, the two of us sharing a laugh that fell silent.

Sweet Pea stood, holding out a hand.

I eyed his hand and sat up, grabbing hold. Letting him pull me off the grass. Vegas rose to sit on his hind legs, then made his way over, sitting down right between Sweet Pea and I.. the little space that remained, there is. When he’d pulled me up, he’d pulled me with enough force that I wound up barely pressed against him. Close enough that my breath caught in my throat for a few seconds.

We sprang apart. Sweet Pea’s hand settled on top of Vegas’ head lazily and he chuckled when Vegas licked his hand, wiping his hand on the thigh of his jeans.

“It’s late. And colder.” Sweet Pea pointed out, nodding in the direction of my house. I glanced up at the sky and unable to resist, I retorted, “You don’t say, captain obvious.”

I jumped back out of his way a little and he stepped up. Towering over me.

“C’mon. I’ll walk you back.”

“But sir. I have a perfectly capable guard dog? What would the upstanding hypocritical assholes on this street think.. A  big bad Serpent walking defenseless little me home?” I pretended to pout up at him, laughing softly. “I was joking.” I muttered a few seconds later.

He shook his head, muttered something I couldn’t quite make out and we started to walk down the sidewalk, towards my father’s house.

The streetlight flickered on above us, bathing us in soft and almost hazy lighting thanks to the fog that was starting to kind of set in.

The leaves crunched beneath my feet. Shattering this heavy air of silence that seemed to settle over us.

“I’m gonna.. Go. Back to the Wyrm.” Sweet Pea muttered abruptly a few seconds later. Lingering, even though he said he’d leave. Gazing down at me as if he were in a daze. Or caught up in his own thoughts. A million miles away.

“I need to get Vegas in the house.” I muttered, nipping at my lip as I held eye contact. Trying not to think about what I’d revealed to Cheryl and Toni a few days ago about maybe being attracted to him… But it was all I could think about at the moment. His eyes darted down, settling on my bottom lip. Then he shook his head, turning swiftly and disappearing around the corner up the street.

I walked inside, making the comment to Vegas, “That wasn’t weird at all, huh buddy?” Vegas just tilted his head, gazing up at me. I bent to take off his leash, hanging it up. Fluffing his fur before hurrying into the kitchen to grab myself a soda.

Settling in on the couch. Turning the television back on.

And promptly falling asleep in the middle of a rewatch of the first season of Punisher. And as I slept, I found myself dreaming about Reggie. And then, oddly enough, Sweet Pea.

When I woke up the next morning, it was to a few seconds of confusion because the dream I’d woken up from had been so vivid that I honestly thought it actually happened. I pouted as soon as the realization sunk in that it had been a dream.

And I grumbled in annoyance with myself because I wanted it to be real. Because lately, spending all this time around Sweet Pea, I was starting to feel like maybe I didn’t just think he was hot.

Maybe I actually did feel something.

Before that thought could take root, I was shoving it back out of my head again. Refusing to acknowledge it. Because the hot guys are always the ones that somehow manage to do the most damage. And I was still pretty hurt over the way things played out with Reggie. Afraid to open myself up. Afraid to trust. Afraid to try, if I’m being honest because I was at least 95 percent sure that Sweet Pea would probably laugh his ass off at me if I were dumb enough to do so.

[pass-the-bechdel]

The Good Place full series review

How many episodes pass the Bechdel test?

96% (forty-eight of fifty).

What is the average percentage of female characters with names and lines for the full series?

49%

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 40% female?

Forty-four.

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 50% female?

Twenty-eight.

How many episodes have a cast that is less than 20% female?

Zero.

Positive Content Status:

Good - you might even say, strong - in the sense that it’s all there, pretty much all of the big representation bells are ringing, particularly the ones for women and racial diversity. That said, the show is generally content to sit pretty and not push the envelope on inclusivity, so if you’re looking for inspiration in-text instead of just in casting, you might be disappointed. At any rate, it’s a solid feel-good time, and not likely to make you mad (average rating of 3.01).

Which season had the best representation statistics overall?

The numbers stay pretty consistent across the whole series, but if I had to call a winner, it’s season four, which has the highest percentage of female characters and the only above-average positive content rating (though that was awarded somewhat cumulatively, and so doesn’t feel particularly well-earned by that season above the others). 

Which season had the worst representation statistics overall?

It’s such a close call, but season three must be the loser here by virtue of the lowest ratio of female to male characters; it also had one of the series’ two Bechdel fails. Like I said, it’s...a really close call.

Overall Series Quality:

There’s so much about it that is fresh and original and interesting, I wish I could love it more. After a magnificent debut season, the show suffers immensely for a lack of pacing and the absence of coherently-planned plot, and at times the stagnating characterisation and pointless filler caked into the cracks in the storytelling can be frustrating and/or tedious. I’m only as disappointed as I am because the potential for greatness was so strong. That said, even at it’s worst The Good Place is still entertaining, and most of it is better than that. It’s irreverent, it’s fun, it’s surprising, and sometimes it’s even as poignant as it is remarkable. I have my gripes, in droves, but that doesn’t mean this show is not worthy.

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) under the cut:

Imagine. Imagine a version of this show where the first season is basically the same, and the second season is...somewhat similar to how it is, but with more focus and direction, less time-wasting; a second season where figuring out that some fundamental change to their circumstances is necessary comes early, and instead of faffing about with ethical lessons in the fake neighbourhood again while Michael pretends he can get everyone to the Good Place, we get down to business with going on the run and into the Bad Place to find the judge and petition for help. Imagine this show, but the third season has none of that return to Earth crap, and instead, is the neighbourhood experiment from season four, properly fleshed out. And then season four is all about going to the Good Place and solving the problems there, addressing issues with the concept of utopia and the ineffectual bureaucracy of obsessive niceness (used for comedic effect in the actual show, but c’mon, there’s a whole untapped reservoir about morality there). Each season could have (gasp!) a properly-planned and plotted arc, dealing with a different school of ethical considerations, and I dunno, maybe the characterisation could have trajectory too, and the characters could vitally shape the storytelling, and maybe not get their personalities and experiences erased and rebooted over and over again, nullifying large swathes of the narrative which came before? Ideally, they could be reset zero (0) times, or at least have all their reboot experiences dumped back into them in the first few episodes of season two, so that they could proceed from there as whole people. Rebooting everyone’s personalities is not actually necessary to the plot in any way, and is, actually, incredibly detrimental to storytelling and especially, character development. Imagine this show, but just chilling out and actually telling a coherent story? 

I am all the more annoyed by how things turned out on this show because I know that the four seasons were planned for, rather than being the result of cancellation; the idea that the creators sat down and ‘plotted’ (using that term loosely) to make this mess drives me a little wild. The (attempted) avoidance of the dreaded ‘stagnation’ seems obvious, and it leads to major narrative shortcuts and jumps and instances where the show spends an episode or two on what should have been a half-season’s development, minimum, and yet at other times all momentum grinds to a halt for a bizarre bottle-type episode where the characters just talk about a concept for a while or work on some unimportant romantic subplot. The various ethical concepts that the show heavily incorporated as its bread and butter in the first season start to stick out like sore thumbs in season two, seemingly wedged into one episode or another for no real reason other than just to be there, and the fact that the show lets go of the idea of moral choices in the life mattering at all in the end leaves the backbone of the show in a very strange shape. I said in the season four review that I didn’t expect the show to come up with some One True Answer about how people should live their lives, but that I was baffled by the fact that the show side-stepped that altogether; what I expected them to conclude was something in the line of ‘we recognise that life is complicated, not all situations are created equal, and it can be hard to know how to proceed ethically or even to access ethical options within one’s circumstances. Still, it is important to do your best, not only for yourself but for your community, because the more good you put into the world, the more there will be to go around and come back to you. What matters most is that you are doing your best with what you’ve got’. The fact that the show distracted itself with fixing how the afterlife rewards people within the afterlife means that it suggests no incentive to perform moral actions in life, and frankly...who gives a fuck? The real world is the place we’re all living in, and there’s no point starting a conversation about morality in real life if the conclusion is just ‘guess we’ll straighten out all the fascists and bigots and the other pieces of shit after they die, so don’t worry, everyone gets to Heaven eventually!’

Anyway, if that seems like just a reiteration of what I said in the season four review, well. I’m still baffled by it. The other thing I was going to talk about in the season four review but held for the full series instead was that one big thing that I have railed about all the time since season one, and that’s PACING. For all ye wannabe-writers out there, please understand how important pacing is. Even vital plot or character beats can seem like meaningless filler in a poorly-paced story, because your audience’s mind is hardwired to try and follow narrative cues that are being incomprehensibly muddled. Standard structure can be played with, but if you toss it out in favour of ‘stuff just happens, ok? Except when it doesn’t’, you just end up with a soup of disconnected story ideas, and nothing threading it together. Character interactions and especially developments can help to create the through-line you need to keep the story functioning despite itself, but as variously noted with The Good Place...initial characterisation? Strong, excellent. Development? Not so much, not least because they kept getting deleted and rebooted. Also, time skips kept happening, and that’s a great way to fuck over your narrative coherence even more: remove the recognisable constant we call time! It’ll be fine! As with all things, it is perfectly possible to play around with this stuff, but you have to know what you’re doing and be doing it for a good reason, and that’s not what they had going on here. This was narrative soup, and when you have a soup, the pieces all kinda meld together and lose any individual purpose, meaning, or power they may have had. The result in this case was not bad, but it really could have been so much better, and literally all it needed for that was some attention being paid to the story structure via pacing.

So. The good news is, I think I have pretty well exhausted all of my complaints by now, and that leaves us with the good stuff, of which there was no paltry amount. The show was not a hit by accident (even if I do feel that it’s success had a lot to do with people sticking around after the spectacular first season, and not because it stayed strong throughout), and even if there was a lot of soup going on, what comprised that soup was all really fun and unique, and this made for a wonderful piece of light-hearted television that could be as hilarious as it was insightful. It still had a lot of great takes on things, the commentary was strong (even if it pulled all its punches towards the end), and whether the storytelling was ebbing or flowing, it was always delightful. The show also managed to pull a miraculous finale out of its hat, and that’s a rare thing in television; however the story wobbled over the course, the ending provided enough satisfaction to forgive just about any sins, especially if you don’t happen to have been watching with a deliberately critical eye. Do I wish that Eleanor got to hook up with a chick on-screen some time instead of just making a lot of bi remarks? Yes. Do I consider the show to have queerbaited instead of providing genuine rep? No. Is the underselling of the queer content my most significant representation complaint? Yes, it is, and that's good news considering the world we live in and the dearth of quality representation that the industry has brought us to expect. 

There's an important distinction to be made there, regarding the tokenistic representation that is very common these days in tv trying for brownie points and good publicity, exactly that kind of 'political' inclusivity that conservatives are always bitching about. It should not be surprising that I support that tokenism over the alternative of having no representation at all, but it can still be quite disheartening to feel like your identity or the identities that you value are being referenced as nothing more than an opportunity for some shitty producer to perform wokeness for attention, praise, and the almighty dollar. I bring this up because - even though The Good Place never really worked up much of a boost to its content rating - one thing I felt that it did really, really right was providing representation without it feeling tokenistic at all. Eleanor's bisexuality wasn't as prominent as I might have preferred, and as noted through the course of the show, there were times I feared it was more bait than real rep, but reflecting on it at the end, the way it was included feels organic, it never gets in the way in order to ensure the audience notices and is dutifully impressed. The number of women around and the multicoloured casting plays out even better; I never once felt cynical about the gender balance I was seeing, and I've said it before but I'll say it again: the fact that the show was packed with names from across the world gives me so much life. I'm still a little salty about Chidi's Senegalese origins getting the shaft (and we won't talk about 'Australia'), but the nonchalant diversity of naming goes such a long way to embracing the idea that this is a world for everyone (and an afterlife for everyone, too). And where anything else might fall apart or lose its way, that is an affirming thing. If you want feel-good tv, it’s here. This is the Good Place.

[theobeiste]

OUR LOVE WAS COMFORTABLE

WHO: @zoepuckerman & @theobeiste WHERE: outside the clarington-smythe residence WHEN: homecoming after party, 9/26 WHAT: zoe finds theo alone at darcy’s party after he gets kicked out of the dance. the two go for a walk and have A Moment.

ZOE: To say that her senior year homecoming dance didn’t go the way Zoe had always imagined it to would be a complete understatement. Sure, she had won homecoming queen like she always wanted, but the moment had been cut short thanks to two neantherandals who had to deal with their petty drama with their fists rather than words like sane human beings. She had been enjoying the way Cam’s arms felt wrapped around her when she heard the shouting. Realistically, she had known it was Austin before she even turned around. Who else could it have been?! The shocking twist to the scene was the other person throwing the punches. In all of the time they shared together, Zoe had never known Theo to be an aggressive person. It was safe to say that moment confused her and left her more than a little worried for him. She mentally added this to the list of crazy shit Theo had been up to this year, right behind dating Winnie Love-Karofsky. She didn’t want to blame Theo’s new side all on Winnie, but anyone who paid enough attention could see that the blonde certainly wasn’t bringing out the best in him. All this to be said, while Zoe would have happily skipped out on the after-party, there were some pressing matters she had to attend to first. She hadn’t been watching Theo’s every move, but it wasn’t hard to spot his 6’5” statue sneak out the front door. Against better judgment, Zoe followed. They had been avoiding each other since the break-up, and to be completely honest, she was over it. “Hi,” She announced softly as she approached him on the front porch, trying not to startle him. “You okay? That was," She paused, at a complete lack for words to describe the horrifying mental images. "Crazy back at the school. What happened?”

THEO: Theo was not a violent person, in fact, less than a week ago he had given Cam Evans a gentle lecture about punching Zane out on the football field. So how did he end up in this position with a bruised jaw and sore knuckles? He was so deeply embarrassed by everything that had happened at homecoming. He made himself look bad, he made the titans look bad, and he didn’t even want to get started on what his dad would say. He should’ve just gone home, but after some encouragement from his teammates, he was convinced that going to the afterparty would be a good thing. It’d take his mind off of getting kicked out of the dance for pummeling Austin and it’d help him forget about Winnie. He should’ve listened to his gut though because after doing his rounds and making himself a drink at Darcy’s, he still felt like shit. He needed some air. Theo maneuvered past the crowd of people crowding the Clarington-Smythe foyer and quickly exited through the front, finding a spot on the porch to drink by himself until this horrible feeling went away. And then…hi. Theo knew that voice. He whipped his head around and blinked a couple of times, shocked to see none other than Zoe Puckerman standing in front of him. “Hi,” he said back, a little too sternly as he waited for the other shoe to drop. Surely she was here to make a dig or rub everything that happened in his face. But that moment never came. When she asked about his night, he chuckled wryly and shook his head, knocking back his drink and ditching the cup on the ground. “Your date happened,” he told her with a shrug, clenching his jaws as he tried to quell the anger building inside of him, “him and Winnie. It doesn’t matter. Fuck them. They deserve each other.” He rolled his eyes slightly as he reflected on the night and then took a deep breath. Zoe clearly wasn’t here to argue and the last thing he wanted to do was start another fight. “You looked good out there,” he complimented, his voice suddenly gentler as he dared to meet her gaze, “I always knew you’d win but I’m glad the rest of McKinley agreed.” He gave her a little smile as he reached up and fixed her crown, “it suits you.” His touch lingered for maybe a second too long, so he quickly dropped his hand and cleared his throat. “How’s your night going? Do you wanna like…” he was feeling bold apparently, “maybe go for a walk or something? I’m feeling pretty claustrophobic here. Too many people.”(edited)September 26, 2020

ZOE: There were a lot of things that made sense together: peanut butter and jelly, Will Schuester’s son and Glee Club, Austin Nelson and a punch to the face... and then there was Theo and Zoe. Their relationship had been as picture perfect as it could have been, at least in the beginning. Zoe would always remember the way she’d stay up far too late texting Theo (and Eli + Finn to share all the cute things he was sending) to turn around and still be excited to see him first thing in the morning at school. She’d always remember the sweet, sensitive soul that stuck by her side when she didn’t deserve it. “He’s an idiot,” she offered, taking a step closer to Theo. She had admittedly kept her distance at the beginning in case of a quick exit. Between throwing punches and downing whatever was in his cup, she hadn’t been sure what she was approaching. “Fuck Winnie, Theo. She never deserved you in the first place.” If Zoe had to hand-select someone for Theo, Winnie very clearly would be at the bottom of the list. Fuck, she wouldn’t have even made the list at all. She was so obviously not what Theo needed, and tonight was proof in the pudding. “Thanks,” was all she could force out as Theo’s hands reached out to reposition her crown. It had been so long since they had talked one on one, let alone be sweet to each other. “My night has been confusing,” she admitted, not willing to give up any details. The last thing she needed was word of her kiss with Cam spreading around the party. She had to figure her shit out before anyone else could know. Zoe’s head turned back to the party, watching everyone through the window as she mulled over her decision. Going for a walk with Theo was probably not the best idea, but the look in his eyes said he needed it, and that alone had her nodding her head. “Yeah, let’s go.” A comfortable silence fell between the pair as they started out along the street, destination unknown. “You wanna really talk about it or no?” This was his situation, and if he preferred to pretend like it hadn’t happen, she was willing to give him that option.

THEO: He hummed curiously at her vague description of her night but opted not to pry. This was the first time in a long time that they’d had a positive interaction and he didn’t want to ruin it by asking too many questions. When she agreed to a walk, Theo led the way. He walked aimlessly along the sidewalk with Zoe at his side, their arms and hands occasionally bumping into each other causing Theo’s heart to jump. He kept his gaze glued to the street lights they passed and marveled at the nice houses that decorated this wealthy neighborhood. Her question brought him back down to reality and elicited a sigh. “I...” he shoved his hands into his pockets and stopped walking, glancing at her as she stopped too, “I don’t know what I’m doing, Zo. Everything is all fucked. Winnie....” he remembered her words. ‘Fuck Winnie.’ Who had come to find him after his brawl? Zoe. Who was trying to make him feel better despite everything they’d been through? Zoe. He wasn’t about to spend his time talking about the girl who seemed to give zero fucks about him...not when he was standing in front of the girl he still had so much to say to but never the forum to say it. “I don’t really want to talk about her,” he decided, shrugging as a sad smile tugged at the corners of his lips. “How’ve you been? I wanted to hit you up when all that shit was happening with Baby but...” he didn’t for obvious reasons, “is everything good now? How’s your mom?” It was his way of saying ‘I miss you’ and ‘I still think of you’ without actually having to say those things and he was sure she’d understand that.

ZOE: There was never going to be any sort of situation where Zoe Puckerman liked the sound of Winnie Love-Karofsky’s name rolling off anyone’s tongue, especially Theo’s. Even though they had broken up more than a year ago, there was always going to be a part of Zoe’s heart that was dedicated to Theo. He had been everything to her at one point. Zoe liked to pretend that she didn’t care,  but there was never going to be a time in her life where she didn’t think of him fondly. No matter the relationship between them, she’d always care for him and want the best for him, and it tore her apart that he couldn’t see (at least for the past couple of months) that Winnie was so blatantly the worst possible person for him. “You’re right,” Zoe responded, the harshness in her voice surprising even her. She had never cared for the bitchy blonde, and that was evident in the way she spoke. “She’s not worth your time or thoughts anymore, Theo. You deserve better. Really.” If Zoe didn’t like the way Winnie’s name sounded coming from Theo, she despised hearing Baby’s. “You should have,” she mumbled, unsure if he could hear her. “That sucked, Theo, and honestly? I could have used you just coming to me about it.” Zoe had spent countless nights lying awake, wondering if her sister had hooked up with her first love. The mental images were horrifying, but not as horrifying as having to relive them with him now. “My mom’s fine,” she paused, stopping in her tracks to turn and look at him. If they were going to do this, and really do this, they weren’t going to avoid eye contact. “I’m going to ask you this one more time, and I want an honest answer. Are you okay? Because, honestly, I feel like I don’t even know who you’ve become. Dating her, punching Austin,” her voice was softer than before, as if to convey she was genuinely concerned. “This isn’t you, T.”

THEO: There was an energy shift when Theo brought up their own past mistakes, the most recent one being the string of rumors about him and Baby. He kept his head bowed and his gaze downcast as she spoke, jaws clenched as he listened. “I know,” he sighed, finally meeting her eyes again, “I’m sorry. After we went on Joey’s show and shit I…didn’t think you wanted to hear from me. But I should’ve come to you.” He owed her that much. No matter how shitty things had gotten between them, she was still an important person in his life. Zoe had taught him so much about love, about being a good man, about being caring. That would never go away…even if their feelings for each other did. But as she approached him with a softer demeanor, genuine concern, and a truly loaded question, he wondered if their feelings really had gone away. He blinked a few times as he stared at her and considered her question. “I know this isn’t me,” he said, surprising himself with the choice to be honest, “but you know why, Zo. You know.” There was no way she didn’t know. Their falling out made a lasting impact on both of them. Zoe got a little harder, a little colder. Theo went off to the deep end by his own standards. “I don’t want to be like this anymore,” he admitted, taking a step closer as he let himself get lost in her eyes for a moment. As they stared at each other, he wondered if the girl who loved him was still anywhere inside her. He wondered if they could get back to who they were. “Can I try something?” he asked, the drink he downed earlier finally taking over as he gently brought his hands up to either side of Zoe’s face, “I just…I have to know.” Before he leaned in, he searched her face for some sign of approval, that it was okay for him to do this thing he was suddenly feeling the urge to do.

ZOE: The absolute worst part of loving someone was having to let go of them. It was really hard to look back and pin-point where everything had gone wrong between them. It truly seemed like one minute they were that couple. The obnoxious couple laughing in the hallways, always holding hands and making out, completely unaware of everyone around them. Only for her to turn around the next minute, unable to recognize them anymore. They had really gone from being in constant communication from the second they woke up to the second they fell asleep, to finding excuses to cancel plans. It had been Zoe, in the end, who had pulled the trigger and called it quits. She’d by lying, though, if she said it wasn’t one of the hardest things she’d ever done. She’d simply never forget the forlorn look in Theo’s eyes as he pulled away, leaving her with tears rolling down her cheeks on the driveway. “I wanted you to,” she admitted, confused eyes looking up at his. “I needed you tell me it wasn’t happening. You just left me to think of the worst possible scenario.” It wasn’t worth it to fight about Baby, not when there was a million and one things left unsaid between the pair. She knew, of course, why he had been acting the way he had. They both dealt with the break-up in horrific ways, and maybe, just maybe, that was a testament to how much they had cared for each other. Zoe took in a quick breath as he stepped closer to her and raised his hands to cradle her face. She couldn’t remember the last time they had been in a position like this. “Theo,” she finally whispered, her eyes widening at his suggestion. It wasn’t a complete denial. In some sort of sick, twisted way, she understood his need to be certain about this. She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about kissing him again since the break-up, but there was now a lingering thought in the back of her mind. Someone who hadn’t been there before. She was utterly confused, but she was trying. She was 17, for fuck’s sake, and what 17 year old girl always got it right? It was this mass confusion that had her dropping her eyes before offering a silent nod.

THEO: Theo was prepared to back off when she said his name, but then Zoe nodded. That was a yes. He instantly moved one of his hands under her chin to angle her face upwards as he bowed his head and kissed her. With his eyes closed and for the five or so seconds that their lips were connected for, Theo envisioned their lives. Their past flashed before him and their hypothetical future, too. They’d be high school sweethearts, go to college, get married young, probably have a few kids, and they’d be happy. Kissing Zoe felt like coming home in a way—like coming back to himself. But when he pulled away and looked at her, a sad smile crept on to his face. Something was tugging at his gut and telling him that unfortunately, no matter how much he wanted it, this wasn’t it. Maybe there was a place for them somewhere, but it wasn’t here and it wasn’t now. Damn it. “It’s not the same, is it?” he asked rhetorically, strumming her cheeks with his thumbs for a moment before he dropped his hands back into his pockets, “that blows.” His tone was almost playful but it did blow. All this time Theo had been lashing out and coping with the loss of his first love only to find that she wasn’t the solution to his problems. He’d have to find those within himself. He had to let her go...for real this time. “I’m always gonna love you,” he told her with a small dimpled smile, “and I don’t want to be mad anymore. Not at you, not at Winnie or Austin or anyone.” A beat. “Thank you,” he said quietly, and because he anticipated that she’d ask ‘for what?’ he quickly added a “for everything.” Theo inhaled deeply and when he released his breath, he released all the resentment and sadness he’d been harboring with it. Enough was enough. “You should get back to the party, your highness,” he joked, glancing at her crown, “your subjects are probably going mad looking for their queen.”

ZOE: There had once been a time in Zoe Puckerman’s life when Theo Beiste, especially kissing Theo Beiste, was all she could think about. She’d go to bed dreaming of her quarterback, wake up eager to see him, and spend all of her class periods doodling their names together. She couldn’t even begin to guess how many times Zoe Beiste was scribbled in her Algebra 1 notebook (no wonder it was the one math class she ever did bad in). He had been everything she wanted at the time, and there would never be enough words to describe how thankful she was for him. Their love was quick and passionate, but it would leave a lasting impact on her for the rest of her life. Theo had taught her everything she knew to be true about love; that there really was someone out there for everyone. Theo’s lips against hers, although brief, was enough to make her realize that Theo really wasn’t that person for her, and maybe he never was supposed to be. Quinn had always taught her that people came into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime... and maybe, just maybe, Theo was her reason. Some unknown force knew that she was going to need someone to be strong for her, and Theo had done just that. “It’s not,” she agreed, mirroring his sad smile. It was the most bittersweet feeling she had ever felt before. This was really it. They were finally letting go of each other, after all this time. “I’m always going to love you, Theo.” That much was true, but there was a difference between loving someone and being in love with him, and truthfully, they had fallen out of love a long time ago. “But? I think it’s time someone else gets to love you.” He deserved that, and so did she. She wasn’t sure who it was going to be for Theo, but she had a small inkling who it could be for her. It was her turn to reach up and run her fingers across his cheek, tears filling up her eyes. “No. Thank you. You saved me.” She didn’t need to say more. They both knew exactly what she was talking about. Zoe knew what he wanted. He wanted her to leave him in the middle of the street, drunk and alone, but she wasn’t going to do that. “I’m not going back without you,” she sighed, unwilling to give in on this. This time, on the walk back to the house, their hands didn’t actually touch. Zoe slipped her small palm inside of Theo’s on purpose, holding tight the entire walk home. It was her way of officially saying goodbye.

AND SCENE. 

[just-come-baek]

with friends like you, who needs enemies?

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader ft. mentions of Jimin and his girlfriend

Themes: smut | fluff | friends’ friends to friends to lovers!au | domestic!au | roommate!jimin |

Word count: 11.1k

Summary: Setting up my friend with my roommate is one thing, but walking on them banging on my fancy couch is just… plainly wrong. Not only have they profaned my comfy piece of furniture, but also they’ve neglected our friendship. Completely forgotten, Jungkook and I start to hang out together, but after some time things become a bit too comfortable…

Warnings: overuse of cringe-worthy euphemisms for sex, lots of complaining, unprotected sex and so on;

***

Me | 22:43 | don’t you want to hang out with Jimin???

Me | 22:43 | I need him out of the house

It was my first time texting Jungkook. It felt weird, but it needed to be done. Ever since Jimin and Jiwoo started dating, they were bumping their uglies in Jimin’s room, and I was done with hearing their lewd moans.

These damned thin walls.

Jeon | 22:45 | what did he do this time?

I read Jungkook’s reply, and with my bottom lip puckered, I wondered what I should type so he wouldn’t think I was exaggerating. I couldn’t straight out ask him to call Jimin over to his place because the sex noises coming out of my roommate’s bedroom were louder than my film on the maximum volume.

Me | 22:46 | he’s porking Jiwoo

Jeon | 22:46 | HE’S DOING WHAT???

Jeon | 22:47 | oh, nvm

Jeon | 22:47 | just googled it

Me | 22:48 | yeah, they’ve been screwing everyday this week

Me | 22:48 | can you cockblock him?

Me | 22:48 | just this once

Me | 22:49 | please???

Jeon | 22:49 | can’t do

Of course, he wouldn’t do it! What had I expected? Jimin and Jungkook are best friends with their bro-code and what not, while Jungkook and I are mere acquaintances with maybe five hellos exchanged through the entirety of it.

Jeon | 22:51 | sorry, I’m gaming with Tae

Me | 22:53 | of course you do

I was a little bit angry when I wrote it, but I understood him. It wasn’t his problem to deal with, and if he were struggling with a similar kind of issue, I wouldn’t help him either. I’m the one who had agreed to share a flat with Jimin, and regardless of how much I regret it now, I’m the one who suggested them to go on that fucking date.

It was my first attempt at matchmaking anybody, and since it backfired so terribly, I was sure, it was also my last attempt.

Jeon | 22:52 | you can crash on my couch if they bother you so much

That was unexpected; Jungkook was showing me kindness, and I had no idea how to react. We had never hung out alone, and he was offering me a place to sleep. Admittedly, if he had such an annoying roommate, I’d let him suffer.

Thankfully, he was a good guy.

Jeon | 22:53 | I’m going to game all night but I still think they’re louder

Me | 22:54 | seriously?

Me | 22:55 | no take backs

Jeon | 22:55 | you remember where I live, right?

Jimin had taken me once to a small party at Jungkook’s, and though I couldn’t remember the building number, I knew how it looked like and how to get there. It would probably take me fifteen minutes of walk to reach it.

Me | 22:56 | sure

Me | 22:56 | thank you!

Me | 22:56 | I owe you one 

***

Jungkook didn’t lie when he said he’d be quieter than Jimin and Jiwoo; when I entered his apartment, he just smiled and muttered make yourself at home, and with that, Jungkook was gone in his bedroom, gaming.

It wasn’t unpleasant, but it was weird – to be in his living room alone.

His flat was rather tidy and comfortable, and it was evident it belonged to a man. Lazily, I fished a book out of my bag; it was the second book of a shitty trilogy, and despite wanting to pull all my hair out whenever I flipped the page, I couldn’t stop reading it.

I started reading, but it was difficult without acceptable background noise. With my finger marking the page, I paused, stood up and marched toward Jungkook’s room. Having knocked, I pushed the doors slightly open, and asked, “Do you mind if I hang out here for a while? It’s still early, and I have a fucked-up sleeping schedule.”

Jungkook turned his head toward me and nodded. Smiling, I closed the doors behind me and lay down on his bed. He was sitting in his fancy gaming chair, and had an expensive-looking headset; it was evident he took his hobby very seriously.

“Are you having a girl over?” I heard, probably Taehyung, since he had mentioned his name earlier, say through Jungkook’s headphones since this boy apparently didn’t mind loud game sounds.

“It’s just Jimin’s roommate; Jimin and his girlfriend are shagging way too loud, so I let her stay at my place,” Jungkook explained, and I shrugged, returning to my book.

“She’s at your place? You should totally hook up with her,” Taehyung encouraged Jungkook, and I giggled, ignoring the indecent advice. We barely knew each other, and no matter how good Jungkook must be at sex, it wasn’t happening. Tempting – very tempting, but I wouldn’t let it happen. I didn’t need more drama at this point in my life.

“You better focus on the game or else I’m gonna let them kill you!” Jungkook yelled into the microphone, and Taehyung immediately stopped teasing him. Though I wasn’t sure, I presumed that Jungkook was a skilled player that no one fancied getting on his wrong side.

It was a calm night, yet a few annoyed groans still escaped his mouths whenever Jungkook’s team was losing. I wasn’t better at keeping my reactions at bay, especially when the lead character did something incredibly stupid, and I wished her boyfriend turned out to be a serial killer, obsessed with the idea to murder her.

“You know what? I’m done playing with you for tonight,” Jungkook barked when they lost another battle because of Taehyung. Angrily, he threw the headset on the desk, and running his fingers through his hair, he swiveled in his gaming chair, staring at me lying comfortably.

“It wasn’t your day, was it?” I asked though I was still focused on the book.

“It’s them,” Jungkook said, pointing at the computer behind him. “It wasn’t their day; I’m way too good to have bad episodes.” He explained, and I hummed, even though I didn’t care. No matter how Jungkook seemed to love gaming, it wasn’t my cup of tea, and I wasn’t going to pretend to enjoy it so he would like me. I was still polite enough to listen to whatever bothered him, though.

“Is it interesting?” Jungkook asked, tilting his head, mentioning the book in my hands.

“Oh God, no,” I sighed in relief as I slammed the novel close for dramatic purposes. “Do you want to watch a movie or something?” I proposed, and Jungkook smiled casually.

“I’d drunk five energy drinks before you came here; I won’t fall asleep for at least two days, so a movie sounds pretty awesome.” Jungkook clarified, and I sat up, staring at him.

“Do you have anything in mind? I’m fine with whatever,” I said, smiling. As long as I hadn’t seen a film before, it should be alright.

“We can just look through my Netflix recommendations; there should be something interesting.” Jungkook proposed, and I nodded, following him to the living room. “Do you want anything to eat?” He asked politely, but before I answered him, he added, “I have only unhealthy snacks, though. I hope you don’t mind it.”

“There’s no such a thing like a healthy snack,” I remarked, sitting down on the couch, while Jungkook pranced to the kitchen to get us food. Within two minutes, he took a seat beside me and placed a large bag of chips and a six-pack of beer on the coffee table.

“So… how are the lovebirds?” Jungkook asked curiously, as he took a sip of the chilled beer.

“They’re good, maybe even too good for my liking,” I admitted honestly, looking at Jungkook who grabbed the remote and turned the TV on. “Jiwoo has her own flat; I have no idea why they keep hitting skins in Jimin’s room. I was the one who set them up! I swear they’re trying to spite me!” I ranted on, and Jungkook chuckled while looking for a catching movie title.

“They've probably forgotten you exist. Do you know how many times Jimin came over here ever since their first date?” Jungkook asked, and I shook my head. Yes, Jimin’s my friend, but no, he doesn’t relate everything he does – for which I’m very thankful. “Zero.”

“Oh, it is nice knowing I’m not the only one left out,” I muttered.

“It doesn’t have to be a bad thing,” Jungkook carried on, and I raised my head, looking at him, waiting for elaboration. “You finally can do whatever you want without getting disturbed. Spoil yourself before they start to cling to you again.”

In some odd way, he made sense. Jiwoo and Jimin were so busy rolling in the hay; I might as well use my free time to relax.

“I just might.”

***

The very next weekend, Jimin asked me if I minded him throwing a party at our apartment; it was their third week together, and they decided to celebrate it with their closest friends. What kind of anniversary even was that?

“As long as you’re the one tidying I don’t mind,” I snickered, trying to get something extra out of this situation. I was actually in a mood for a small gathering, but Jimin didn’t have to know that. “What do you say?”

“Ugh, fine,” Jimin gave in quickly, looking around the mess in the living room which was solely my creation. “What did I tell you about getting your shoes on the shoe-shelf? I’m not perfect, but you better put them there, or I’m gonna throw them away,” Jimin warned me, as he picked up my trainer and threw it across the room.

“I love you, too,” I cooed, smiling at Jimin who was cursing me under his breath. “Do you want me to cook anything?” I shouted before he disappeared into the confines of his room, dramatically slamming the doors.

Two hours later, he cooled down enough to hold a conversation with me, and although he said I didn’t have to cook anything, he gave me a long-ass shopping list. He didn’t want me around when he was cleaning up because he knew I’d make another mess, so sending me to the supermarket was the only reasonable option left.

“I told them to bring booze, so don’t but too much alcohol,” Jimin told me, as he handed me some cash which should cover most of the costs.

“Don’t worry, I’m really good at shopping,” I assured him before I put the money in my wallet. “Have I ever failed you?”

“Only today you’ve failed me like four times,” Jimin stated straightforwardly, and I wanted to jab him in the eye with a pencil for giving me that attitude. “And it’s barely noon!”

“Wow,” I said, sounding a tad bit overdramatic. “You did not say that!”

“I did yes,” Jimin retorted, and I refrained myself from harming him regardless of how much pleasure it would bring me. “And now get going, don’t hurry.”

***

Though I could invite my friends, no one could make it on such short notice. Well… except for Jiwoo, but she was too busy making out with Jimin to keep me company. I was still convinced I’d have a great time, though. I knew Jimin’s friends, and since he had better things to do than mingling with his guests, I took the role of the host on myself.

“Hi, what’s up?” I asked as soon as I approached Taehyung and Jungkook who were enthusiastically chatting with each other. Probably about that game which they had been playing the last time; I understood none of their jabber, so it must’ve been it.

“It’s cool, but I still don’t get it; they’ve been dating for three weeks. What kind of anniversary is that?” Jungkook whined, and I giggled, hearing my previous thoughts leave his mouth. Thankfully, I wasn’t the only one wondering about it.

“My words exactly,” I exclaimed, interjecting him. “Do you know any drinking games? I think it’s about time we play one.”

“What about most likely?” Taehyung proposed, and I looked at him curiously. I had never played that game, and I didn’t know the rules, so he had to explain it to me. “It’s quite easy, and hopefully, we can get drunk really quickly.”

One person asks a ‘most likely’ question, and then all players point at whoever seems most likely to do so. The person, who gets the maximum number of fingers pointing at them, drinks. It sounded easy, and when Taehyung explained it to me, Jungkook looked for more players to make it even more interesting.

At first, we started with easy questions, but after a couple of rounds, everyone got a bit competitive, and it became quite dirty. I wasn’t surprised, it was bound to happen. We all were college students, after all.

“Who would be most likely to have a threesome with twins?” Hoseok asked, and without thinking, I counted to three and pointed at him. Pretty much like everyone else. Hoseok was a fuckboy, and I was sure he had tried it before at least once.

“You know the rules,” Namjoon mocked Hoseok when the latter tried to bullshit his way out of his punishment. “Bottoms up!”

“Ugh, I hate you guys,” he complained but emptied his bottle anyway.

“Who would be most likely to give a shitty head?” Yoongi inquired, being another one in the queue. It wasn’t as easy as the previous question, but I only got three seconds to make up my mind, so I panicked, randomly pointing my finger at Jungkook.

“What are you guys playing?” Jiwoo asked as she approached our group, Jimin being right beside her. They were sickeningly in love, but eventually, they remembered they had guests. “You don’t mind if we play, do you?”

Taehyung quickly explained the rules for the fourth time this evening, and when they were filled in, Jiwoo was the first one to play.

“Who would be most likely to have sex in a public place?” She voiced, and without even counting, I pointed at Jimin. Maybe I hadn’t walked on them knocking boots yet, but I had a feeling neither of them would be expressly turned down by the prospect of hooking up in such circumstances. They were unquestionably too sex-crazed to care.

The game continued for another thirty minutes; it was fun, but Hoseok grossed everyone out before they managed to discover all my dirty secrets.

“You seriously think I give the worst head?” Jungkook straightforwardly asked when he caught me alone in the kitchen when I was getting another bottle of beer.

“I wouldn’t put that much thought to it if I were you,” I stated casually, hoping he would dismiss that subject. “Don’t take it personally, my choice was completely random.”

“I’m just messing with you,” Jungkook declared, and I chuckled as the alcohol started kicking in. I was feeling lightheaded, and whatever Jungkook said made me beam at him.

“Shame, I was about to lash out at you for choosing me as the most likely get pregnant with a one-night stand. I mean… what the fuck, Jeon?” I asked dramatically, but after three seconds of looking into his eyes, I cracked.

“Well… you were the only single girl playing with us, who should I pick?” Jungkook spoke defensively, and I shook my head, laughing. “I didn’t have a choice, did I?”

“You did not,” I answered, as I sat on the kitchen counter. “There’s a bag of shredded cheese in the fridge, do you mind handing me some?”

“Should’ve thought about your snack before you put that cute butt on the counter,” Jungkook snickered, as he opened the refrigerator only to get a chilled bottle of beer, completely ignoring my humble request.

“So you’re gonna be a mean friend,” I wondered out loud, swinging my legs from side to side. “I should’ve seen it coming.” I sighed, hoping I could shoot lasers with my eyes because Jungkook was being a dick.

“What about some shots instead?”

***

Though it was weird, I didn’t particularly hate their odd anniversaries. However, when Jiwoo forgot about the horror marathon, I seriously thought I was going to pour acid on her face for ditching me like that. The tickets were pretty pricey, yet she dared to stand me up one hour before the screening.

What a selfish bitch!

How dare she pick Jimin over me?

At first, I weighed the pros and cons of going alone, but then I decided to find a replacement; it’s not like Jiwoo was my only friend…

Maybe I had plenty of friends, but none of them were available at such a short notice. A friend in need is a friend indeed… such bullshit! Apparently, I was surrounded by fakes.

Sighing, I scrolled through my contact list looking for someone who would like to tag along. And then my thumb hovered above Jungkook’s name. We hadn’t talked since that party, and although it was so out of the blue to ask him to go to the movies with me, he seemed to be my last resort. He hadn’t let me down the last time, and I didn’t expect him to do it now.

Me | 20:46 | are you busy tonight?

Me | 20:47 | Jiwoo stood me up again

Jeon | 20:51 | oh… she did?

Me | 20:51 | yeah

Me | 20:51 | there’s a horror marathon tonight, and she canceled on me

Me | 20:51 | and the tickets are nonrefundable!

Me | 20:52 | they’re going to meet his parents

Me | 20:53 | can you believe it?

Jeon | 20:54 | wow

Jeon | 20:54 | at this pace they’re gonna marry in two months

Me | 20:55 | I guess

Me | 20:55 | what about the cinema?

Me | 20:55 | do you wanna go???

Me | 20:56 | I can go alone but that’d be lame

Jeon | 20:57 | it’s tonight?

Jeon | 20:57 | I was gonna hit the gym, but I guess I can skip once

Me | 20:57 | thanks!!!

Me | 20:58 | you’re the best!!!

***

“Do you want anything?” Jungkook asked me when we walked beside the cinema bar; the popcorn smelled delicious, and if I hadn’t eaten a large supper at home, my mouth would definitely water. “You don’t want me to give you money for the ticket, so the least I can do is buy you some snacks,” Jungkook argued, but I dismissed him.

“No, you don’t have to,” I assured him, as we sat in a vacant sofa in the lobby. “Jiwoo paid for her ticket, and she said I could do anything with it, so I’m treating you. You’re the only one who could make it anyway.” I explained, and Jungkook sighed, not knowing how to convince me to agree to his proposition. “Besides, I owe you for the last time,” I remembered, and Jungkook almost growled in irritation.

“But seriously, it’s just a cup of coke and a bucket of popcorn. It’s not a big deal,” Jungkook carried on, and I just rolled my eyes.

“But it’s so overpriced,” I reasoned, and Jungkook ran his hand through his hair in frustration, not knowing how to win this argument. I had a point, and what was wrong with me treating him? I owed him, so I was just paying my debt with no attempt to hurt his ego whatsoever.

“Ok, fine, so I’ll go over there and buy something for myself,” Jungkook announced before he walked off to stand in a line. “And if you happen to try to steal some later, I’m gonna smack that hand,” he warned me shouting from over his spot in the queue, making a dozen of heads turn, suddenly curious about our small quarrel.

Smiling, I got off the sofa, joining Jungkook by his side. I knew I was right, but Jungkook was so adorably stubborn, and I just had to give in. And the crowd which was pressuring me wasn’t making it any easier.

“Which popcorn do you want?” Jungkook asked me when it was finally our turn to order. “Personally, I prefer regular one, but if you like caramel one, I can make an exception.”

“I prefer regular one, too,” I answered casually, not wanting to order longer than necessary; the first movie was about to start in five minutes, and around ten people were still in the queue behind us. “So hurry up, we’re gonna miss all the commercials!”

“Ugh, fine, and what do you want to drink?” Jungkook asked, and I quickly said coke. “It wasn’t that difficult now, was it?” He added mockingly, handing me the bucket of popcorn.

Quickly, we found our seats.

Well… one double seat. I should’ve known better not to let Jiwoo buy the tickets. Even though she had Jimin to cuddle with, she wouldn’t miss a chance to sneak her arm around mine. And while I was used to Jiwoo being clingy, with Jungkook sitting next to me, it felt awkward. Thank God, I hadn’t seen the projected movies yet, so I was going to focus on the screen, and not the handsome man beside me.

The lights went out, and the eerie music began to play; I was excited, and I hoped for the first horror movie to be exciting and spooky. It was okay; it didn’t frighten me at all, and I predicted the ending correctly, but at least I laughed when someone in the audience shrieked at one of the jump-scares. The second one was much worse, though. Somehow through it, I fell asleep, only to be stirred awake by Jungkook during the third movie when my head slid on his shoulder.

“Sorry…” I whispered, rubbing my eyes, trying not to fall asleep again.

“It’s okay, you didn’t miss anything anyway,” Jungkook added, and I smiled, wrapping myself in my jacket warmly before I dozed off again.

***

The next time I messaged Jungkook wasn’t because I was annoyed with the lovebirds’ shenanigans; I really liked his company and frankly wanted to hang out with him. He was the only one within my circle of friends who had time to meet up. Among my friends, he was the only one I could actually rely on these days.

Me | 18:43 | what are you up to?

Jungkook didn’t disappoint; two minutes later I saw three little dots as he typed his reply.

Jeon | 18:46 | I was just about to leave for the gym

Jeon | 18:46 | what happened?

Jeon | 18:47 | are they bothering you again?

Me | 18:48 | Nah

Me | 18:48 | I’m bored

Jeon | 18:49 | oh

Me | 18:50 | we could go together to the public gym...

Jeon | 18:51 | but they’re shit!

Jeon | 18:51 | and only old people exercise there!

Me | 18:52 | please???

Me | 18:52 | I’m really bored

Jeon | 18:53 | ughhhhh

Jeon | 18:54 | meet you there in 20

***

“You have to warm up first,” Jungkook announced when I was about to start my workout. “How about doing two laps around the park?” He proposed, and I rolled my eyes, thinking it wasn’t that great idea to join him on his training.

“Are you serious? It’s not a warm-up, you’re trying to kill me,” I whined, having no intention of running. “When I said I’d join you, I meant that I would laze around beside you when you work out, and not actually working out myself, you know…”

Jungkook tongued his cheek, glancing at me from head to toe. “If you’re going to laze around, you’ll never get rid of those spaghetti legs, you know…” he mocked, and I gritted my teeth, staring at him angrily.

“You did not say that,” I spoke slowly, and Jungkook just shrugged nonchalantly.

“Oh, I did,” he replied, and if I didn’t hate running so much, I would sprint toward him and smack that smirk off his face. “A little bit of sport won’t do you any harm.”

“You could cut me some slack, it’s my first attempt of exercising in months,” I reasoned, hoping he would understand me. “Besides, I don’t want to be ripped like you,” I added, and then an idea popped into my mind. “How about you run those two laps and I’ll time you?”

“Or maybe we should bet?”

“What are you thinking about?”

“If you run one lap faster than I run two, you win, and I treat you to some ice-cream later,” Jungkook explained, and I tried my best not to smile mischievously. Sure, I hadn’t done sports in a while, but back in the day, I had been a rather fast runner. Maybe, I was a little out of shape right now, but I couldn’t be that bad to lose this bet.

“I’m not sure…” I trailed on dubiously.

“Come on, don’t be a chicken,” Jungkook egged on, and I gave in without further complaining. “I knew you wouldn’t back out of a challenge.”

“What can I say? I’m competitive, just like you.”

Having sealed the bet with a firm hand-shake, we established the finishing line. It was a long distance, but Jungkook had no chance running two laps faster than I did one. Perhaps, I’d lose one lung during the run, but it was the risk I was willing to take if that meant free ice-cream.

“Good luck,” Jungkook said, winking at me before he took off at his maximum speed. Shaking my head, I sprinted as fast as I could, even though I knew he wouldn’t outpace me.

My legs were hurting, my breath was shallow, and I could feel the blood taste in my mouth. I was definitely out of shape, but the finishing line was within now 100 meters, and Jungkook was still way behind me.

“Oh shit,” I looked over my shoulder and saw Jungkook who was running like his life depended on it. He didn’t seem to tire at all, so I sped, using the last bits of energy.

The second I ran through the finishing line, I almost collapsed on the ground as my legs felt like noodles which weren’t able to support my weight. Panting, I sat on the grass and leaned in, having my head between my knees as I gasped for air.

“Okay, you won this one,” Jungkook muttered, breathing heavily. “And I hope you’ve warmed up for the rest of the training.” He stretched his arm, helping me to stand up.

“I have enough of this training already,” I complained as I followed behind him.

“Fine, I won’t torture you today; let’s just get ice-cream.”

***

It has been almost two months since the first time I initiated contact with Jungkook in order to keep my mind off Jimin and Jiwoo’s antics. Ever since then, Jungkook and I became very tight, and at some point, I considered him a better friend that Jiwoo or Jimin have ever been. At least, he was flexible enough to meet up with me when I really needed someone. Out of all of my friends, Jungkook proved himself to be the only one I could always rely on.

Without any hesitation, I could call him my best friend.

Usually, it was me who initiated contact, but this time, it was Jungkook who reached out to me, asking me if I had any plans for tonight. I had three exams on Monday, but I still had two spare days to study, so I asked him what he had on mind.

Me | 17:41 | What are you planning?

Jeon | 17:42 | Nothing much… I’m just bored

Jeon | 17:42 | I thought about a movie marathon

Jeon | 17:42 | What do you say???

Jeon | 17:42 | I have snacks

Having hung out with me, Jungkook already knew what to say to pique my interest.

Me | 17:43 | Ok, I’m interested

Me | 17:43 | What are we watching tonight?

Jeon | 17:44 | I don’t know…

Jeon | 17:44 | maybe some action movies?

Me | 17:45 | sounds good

Me | 17:45 | I’ll be over at your place in 30

Jeon | 17:45 | OK, I’m waiting

Quickly, I put my phone away, quickly getting ready to leave. I took my books out of my purse and packed some clothes to sleep in, cosmetics for washing off my make-up before sleep and an extra bottle of plum wine in case we would run out of alcohol.

Within ten minutes, I was ready to leave. Quietly, I exited my room, and then, screamed in shock when Jimin scared the shit out of me. “What the hell are you doing here?” I asked as I pressed my hand against my chest, trying to calm down my beating heart. What was he doing inside the house? What was he doing without Jiwoo? They were attached to the hip – ever since they started going out, I have never seen them separately. Did they have a fight? Did they break up? What the hell was going on?

“Where are you going?” Jimin asked me as he sat up. Staring at me, and then at my bag, he furrowed his eyebrows, trying to figure out where I was headed. “So…” he waited for my answer, but I didn’t want to tell him about Jungkook, knowing he was going to tease me about it, and probably, even try to set me up with him. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind taking our friendship to another level, but if anything was going to stem from it, I wanted it to happen naturally, and not because friends in a relationship wanted me to be in a relationship, too. “Have you finally got yourself a boyfriend?”

I’d love to sneak out to see my boyfriend, but it wasn’t happening, so I only rolled my eyes at him. “What boyfriend? You know I’m not seeing anybody.” I answered honestly, and Jimin sighed, as he evidently wanted me to get laid. “But what is really weird; what are you doing here? Trouble in paradise?” I fired the question as I sat down beside him.

“No, it’s nothing like that.” Jimin quickly denied, and I nodded my head in acknowledgment, waiting for the explanation. Regardless of them forgetting about my existence, they were still my friends, and I cared about them. “Jiwoo’s mother has sent her to a dieting trip, and although I told them that she’s perfect and she doesn’t need to lose any more weight, they didn’t listen to me. She’s going to come back next week; until then, we can only text.”

“You will survive.”

“Of course, I’m going to survive, but I’d rather didn’t have to, you know,” Jimin trailed off, and then, I smiled, trying to disguise my disgusted reaction; they were so sickeningly in love, and I wanted to vomit whenever I witnessed the affection they were showering each other with. “So where are you going? Can I tag along? I need something to keep myself busy when Jiwoo can’t reply me.”

“Sorry, can’t do,” I quickly answered as I stood up and took my bag off the floor. “Lisa’s boyfriend of two years dumped her, and we’re going to console her. She likes you, but you’re too happy with Jiwoo to be any help to her.”

“Oh, I see,” Jimin said, a bit disappointed that he couldn’t accompany me. He understood that it wasn’t the best idea for him to go with me. Thankfully, he didn't inquire any further. “Tell her that this guy is a jerk. She deserves better, anyway.”

“Sure,” I answered, as I ran to the doors. In no time, I put my shoes on and threw my jacket over my shoulders. I told Jungkook that I'd see him in 30 minutes, and because of this chit-chat with Jimin, I was running a bit late.

***

“You’re late,” said Jungkook as soon as he opened the doors for me. I looked up, trying to apologize and explain that I was trying to blow Jimin off, but Jungkook just shrugged, smiling at me. “I’m just kidding. It’s no big deal. Come on in, I’m making cheese nachos.”

“Ooh… sounds tasty, I have never eaten cheese nachos,” I said, as I closed the doors behind me and took off my shoes.

“You can’t be serious! It’s impossible, everybody has eaten it at some point,” Jungkook spoke, very confused that I have never tasted it.

“There’s always a first time for everything,” I replied, as I followed behind him, sitting in a chair, inhaling the delicious smell of nachos. “So… what are we watching?”

“I don’t know; what about some Marvel movies?” Jungkook proposed, and I sighed, not convinced about his choice. He was a hardcore fan, so he was probably trying to force this hobby on me, too. Spiderman was kinda cute, but it wasn’t enough to convince me to start watching all of the movies from the superhero franchise.

“I don’t feel like it. Maybe some other time,” I trailed off, as I watched Jungkook prepare the nachos. It looked like a simple recipe, but I still appreciated the view in front of me and the effort he put into making it. Although it was actually inappropriate to have these kinds of thoughts about friends, I couldn’t help myself; Jungkook was a snack, but when he was bustling around the kitchen, he was just irresistible.

“OK, let’s go,” Jungkook spoke, pulling me out of my train of thought. Carefully, he carried the trey with nachos to the living room. “I’m actually fine with anything,” he said as he sat down on the couch, turning on his laptop.

It was difficult to pick anything. One of Jungkook’s friends, Namjoon, recommended him Friends to polish his English, and since I had seen the majority of episodes, I proposed to watch Criminal Minds. After what it felt like an hour, for the sake of the stiffing cheese, we decided to compromise – every two episodes of Friends, we were going to watch one of Criminal Minds, and since the duration was almost even, I complied.

 “It is fun hanging out with you like that,” Jungkook said during the third episode of Criminal Minds. Currently, Spencer Reid was in the frame, and I was grinning like an idiot while munching on the rest of nachos. “I mean it; even when you fan-girl over that guy way too hard,” he joked, and I looked at him sternly, not liking his tone.

“Excuse you, but Spencer is a genius. He’s every girl’s favorite,” I remarked, and once again smiled when Spencer said something smart. “Besides, I can lust after whoever I want. I didn’t say anything when you fanboyed over Iron Man the last time.”

“It’s different,” Jungkook argued, and I giggled at his strange behavior. Having paused the video, I put the trey on the table and turned to look at him. “Besides, I’m way cooler than him, anyone would confirm that.”

“Yeah, right,” I snorted, shaking my head in disbelief. What was going on with him? Was he feeling insecure when compared to Spencer? Well… Spencer is a character, and Jungkook’s a real person, and I like him much more. “But seriously, you’re both great.”

“But I’m way more handsome,” Jungkook stubbornly claimed, and I agreed with him, knowing there was no point in arguing. Although it was a little arrogant of him, he was correct. Jungkook had his own charm, and it made him ridiculously attractive. “I was right,” Jungkook admitted, and I rolled my eyes at him, “although I have never caught you drooling over me, I’ve always known you liked me.”

“That’s not what I said,” I fought back, but Jungkook just smiled sheepishly, ignoring whatever I could say to defend my situation.

“Yeah, but you didn’t deny it,” Jungkook admitted smugly, and I smacked his thigh, urging him to stop embarrassing me. I came to watch something, not to get teased.

“Well… in that case,” I started, as I smiled at him and looked straight into his beautiful dark eyes. “You must like me too since you’re so curious about my feelings,” I said, and Jungkook looked away, a bit startled by my bold words. “Am I right, Jeon?”

“Maybe.”

***

After our conversation, we continued the marathon until it was four o’clock in the morning. Despite that we basically confessed to each other, nothing exciting happened; we carried on our marathon as if we didn’t just have that talk.

Not that I minded, though. I had no idea why it was possible, but it didn’t feel awkward at all.

Not even when we woke up in the afternoon cuddled on the couch. We probably should’ve discussed this unusual confession, but none of us felt like it. Nothing has changed, and everything seemed fine, so why should we change something that’s good?

The thing that we silently agreed on was giving each other some space. We didn’t part ways with an awkward hug or anything, but we didn’t reach one another throughout the rest of the week. And then, during another week, either, but I didn’t put that much thought to it. I was a pretty hectic week for me, and I suspected Jungkook to deal with similar problems.

Next Thursday, having done the groceries, I was on my way back home. It was past 9 o’clock, and I was tired after many hours of work, and right now, I couldn’t wait to reach the apartment, bake the damn pizza I had been craving the entire week, and doze off during another TV series.

When in front of the doors of my apartment, I put the grocery bag on the floor, as I sought for the keys in my bottomless purse. Quickly, I inserted the key and opened the doors only to shriek in disgust when I saw the scene occurring in front of my eyes.

Jimin was nailing Jiwoo on my fucking couch!

How could they? On my couch! That’s despicable! On my couch!

It was Thursday; she wasn’t supposed to be back until tomorrow! Fine, she was back, but couldn’t they have enough decency to Wam Bam Thank You Ma’am in his bedroom, or at least, give me a heads-up that they were going to defile my couch?

“What the fuck?” I hollered, as I closed my eyes, took a step backward, and slammed the doors shut. I saw them for 2 seconds tops, but Jimin still managed to flash his fucking dong in front of my innocent eyes.

Instantly, I grabbed the groceries and walked out of the apartment complex. The moment the fresh air hit my face, I pulled out my phone and dialed Jungkook’s number. Right now, he was the only one I could turn to, even after what happened the last time I saw him.

“Are you busy right now?” I asked Jungkook, not even bothering to greet him.

“Oh, hi. I’m fine. Thanks for asking,” Jungkook mused, and I rolled my eyes. “I’m waiting for Tae; we’re having a Marvel marathon tonight. Why? What happened?”

“Oh,” I hummed, “I’ll tell you when I get to you,” I stated before I hung up, not waiting for his approval. I had caught them humping on my couch – I was pissed, and I needed to distract myself. Needless to say, hanging out with Jungkook and Taehyung didn’t seem that bad.

They were great, it actually seemed dope.

Within fifteen minutes, I reached Jungkook’s apartment.

Quickly, Jungkook swung the doors open, and then I blurted, “I came back home only to catch Jiwoo getting boned on my fucking couch!”

“What?” Jungkook asked in confusion, but he took a step to the side, letting me in.

“I think I am traumatized right now,” I said lifelessly, as I sat on his couch, dropping my groceries by my feet. “You know what? This couch was very expensive, and they just… profaned it,” I spoke, not caring if Jungkook was listening to me. I just had to get it out of my system. “How could they? On my couch!”

Jungkook sat beside me, as I stared blankly at nothing in particular.

“I came back home after doing shopping, and then I caught them fornicating on my cute couch. And I’m pretty sure I made eye-contact with Jimin’s dick. The worst two seconds of my life. Jungkook, do you have bleach?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Jungkook reprimanded me, but I casually wrapped my arms around his neck, not even asking if he minded being my shoulder to cry on. Maybe I was being a bit overdramatic, but how was I going to face Jimin after seeing him in his birthday suit?

“Are you hungry?” I asked as soon as I pulled away, jumping on my feet. Usually, hard work kept me occupied, and right now, cooking seemed to be the only activity I could engage myself in. “I was going to bake pizza, I have all the needed ingredients,” I announced, picking up the grocery bag, moving toward his tiny kitchen.

“Do you need any help?” Jungkook offered, sitting by the kitchen island, watching me rummage around the kitchen.

“You can shred the cheese,” I told him, giving him one of the simplest tasks.

Jungkook turned on the radio, and we cooked in peace, talking about everything and nothing. He knew that I had to be kept busy, and he helped me. And I really appreciated it.

“When is Tae going to be here?” I inquired when I unpacked the groceries.

“Oh, he should’ve been here by now,” Jungkook said when he checked the time. “Wait a second,” he mused when he pulled out his phone. “That bitch ditched me!” Jungkook yelled, showing me their conversation in which Taehyung picked a hot Tinder date over Jungkook.

“What kind of friends do we have?” I asked rhetorically, but then I smiled at him. “Don’t be sad, though. If he’s not coming, it means there’s more food for us.” I said, reminding him that there’s always a blessing in disguise. “And my pizza is to die for!”

“Do you want a drink? I think we both need to get drunk,” Jungkook offered, and I nodded – he must’ve read my mind. If he didn’t want to hand me a bottle of bleach, then I’d have to resort to alcohol. “That fucker.”

Quickly, Jungkook poured us drinks, and although it was a bit too strong for my liking, I was going to drink it because the urge to erase Jimin’s dick from my memory was stronger than my common sense.

“So… is he big?” Jungkook asked me when he finished shredding the cheese. He was sitting on the opposite side of the table, supping his drink, staring at me knead the dough. Having sighed, I looked up at him, and flicked some flour on his face, hoping that he would shut his mouth. I wanted to erase that image, and talking about it wouldn’t make that picture to go away. “What? I wanna know.” Jungkook whined, and I shook my head, having no energy to comment on his statement.

Why do men need to know if they’re bigger or not? What does he need this validation for?

“Why don’t you focus on something useful… like turning on the oven, for example,” I said, and Jungkook listened to my command.

“So you’re not going to answer me, are you?” Jungkook asked me again as if he hoped I’d change my mind.

“Sorry to disappoint you, but I have nothing to compare it with,” I started, as I spread the sauce over the dough. “If you really wanna know, just flash me your dick, and I’ll tell you who’s bigger,” I added boldly, and Jungkook choked on his second drink, as he did not expect me to ask him to do that.

“On the second thought, I don’t wanna know,” he said, returning to his previous spot. “A simple no would work, by the way.”

“I’m not so sure it would,” I said confidently, as I put all the toppings. Now, we just had to wait for the oven to heat. “So what do you want to do? I need to do something to keep myself busy, so I could forget what I saw. I’m literally down with everything.”

“Everything you say?” Jungkook repeated after me, cocking up his eyebrow, probably thinking of something naughty. If I was right, I couldn’t blame him for any indecent thoughts of me. I would be a hypocrite because I had been thinking about him every night when I had been trying to fall asleep. And then, he had often haunted my dreams, too.

“What? What are you thinking about?” I inquired, though I had already a few possible answers to my question. Jungkook’s embarrassed smile could only mean one thing.

“Oh, I don’t think you wanna find out, baby,” he answered cockily, and I looked into his eyes, as I didn’t expect to hear that kind of reply. My boldness had successfully shied him away, and he was trying to intimidate me in the same way.

“What a shame,” I muttered, as I turned around to put the pizza into the oven. “As I said, I’m down with anything. So, what? Should we continue our marathon from where we left it last week?” I proposed innocently, but Jungkook didn’t seem excited about that option.

“You know what? Screw this,” Jungkook said before he approached me, turned me around, and forced his lips against mine. The kiss was rushed and sloppy, but it conveyed our frustration and urgency, and to me, it was perfect.

Almost instantly, he pushed his tongue into my mouth, and I let out a moan. His hands were holding my face, while mine quickly found purchase on his firm butt and pulled him against me. Unsynchronized, our lips moved together, desperately making up for the lost time that we had spent not kissing each other.

“Jungkook,” I moaned his name, and as if being urged, he hoisted me up and sat me down on the kitchen counter. With his lips tightly pressed against mine, he spread my legs and quickly slipped between them.

Although Jungkook barely touched me, I felt the flame kindle within me. Jungkook’s hands wandered down my sides until they reached my hips where he dug his fingers in. I loved it when he was feeling my body.

When I wanted to moan his name again, Jungkook bit on my bottom lip, stopping it from rolling off my tongue. Right now, he only cared about one thing, and it was me reciprocating his passionate kiss.

“I wanted to do that for quite a long time,” Jungkook confessed, as he pulled away. His eyes were shut close; his forehead was pressed against mine, while his hands dragged me over to the edge of the counter so I could feel his hardening cock.

“Me, too,” I admitted, as I wrapped my legs around his waist. “I won’t tell you how many times thoughts of you fucking me kept me awake at night,” I added, and Jungkook chuckled before he captured my lips again, already missing them.

“I’m hoping you thought of me every night,” Jungkook whispered against my mouth before he began to suck on my bottom lip, playfully pulling it. “I couldn’t fall asleep before I jerked off to you,” Jungkook confessed, and I giggled, as I imagined his veiny hand moving up and down his erection, his hips thrusting against his grip, the little hisses which left his mouth before he moaned my name.

“Do you want to go on a date with me?” I blurted out when Jungkook’s lips left my mouth, as he desperately wanted to mark my skin. Gently, Jungkook nipped my neck, as he wanted to imprint his feelings on my body. I didn’t mind hickeys, and I was sure that Jungkook wasn’t going to stop with one. No, he’s the type of a guy to mark me everywhere.

“Are you asking me out?” Jungkook inquired, and I purred when I felt his cold breath on the wet skin of my neck. “I should be the one doing that,” he concluded before he returned to his erotic ministrations; his teeth lightly scratched my skin, and his tongue licked the grazed area, and I probably enjoyed it more than I should. “Tomorrow, we’re going on a date.”

“You’re so hot when you’re so controlling,” I admitted honestly, and if Jungkook didn’t believe me, my wet panties could confirm that I indeed meant my words. “Which is strange because I hate being bossed around,” I added, and Jungkook grinned as he looked up, innocently pecking my lips.

“I wanna be inside of you already,” Jungkook whined, as he rubbed his erected cock against my sex, showing me how desperate he was to feel me. “I wanna feel how you squeeze around me; I wanna hear you scream my name when I make you come.”

“Jungkook, I…” and when I was about to tell him that I wanted him to take me on that kitchen counter, the oven started to ring, signalizing that the pizza was ready. As soon as we realized that the oven just cockblocked us, we began to laugh. “I think it’s a sign that we shouldn’t be doing that,” I said as I pushed him away and jumped off the counter, so I could take the pizza out of the oven before it would burn.

“I highly doubt that,” Jungkook answered as he sat down by the table, watching me bend over. “Your ass is amazing by the way,” he spoke in admiration, but I only rolled my eyes, even though I was flattered that he visually liked my butt.

“Thank you, but if you think that flattery with help you get into my pants, then you’re right,” I said playfully, as I put on mittens and placed the tin-ware on the stove. “But in your case, I think you could do all of the worst things to me, and I’d still let you fuck me, Jeon.”

“I’m honored to hear that you’re whipped for me,” Jungkook said casually, still observing my moves. “What kinky things would you let me do to you?”

“Probably all of them,” I said as I sat astride on his muscular thighs. “Wow, your muscles are no joke. Let me guess; you never skip the leg day, do you?” I asked him while playing with his hair as I wrapped my arms around his neck.

“I actually do sometimes, but usually it’s when you wanna hang out,” Jungkook admitted, as he grabbed my butt and pulled me closer, so his dick was pressed against my clothed entrance. I was feeling him through the fabric, and it felt absolutely erotic – if he would bury his cock inside of me, I’d probably squeeze around him immediately. “You’re the sole reason why I slack off sometimes.”

“I’m sorry, I had no idea I’m such a bad influence,” I whispered into his ear, rubbing my sex against his throbbing cock. “So… are you hungry? The pizza tastes the best when it’s right out of the oven,” I said, mentioning the food, but Jungkook ignored my proposition, as he was dead set on devouring me.

“It looks and smells delicious, but I fancy something else,” Jungkook stated, and I leaned forward to peck his swollen lips to shut him up. He didn’t want to eat me out, did he? I didn’t mind, I knew what his tongue could do, but more than anything, I was desperate to feel his cock fill me. “I’m so hard, baby,” Jungkook hissed, as he cupped his dick.

“Do you want me to suck you off?” I asked sounding unfittingly innocent what really threw him off for a while. Slowly, I slid off his thighs, waiting for him to stop me if he didn’t want to. Just as I expected, Jungkook didn’t protest, he only admired me when I got on my knees between his legs. “It’s my first time, so don’t expect a pro,” I warned him when I cupped his crotch through the material of his jeans. The moment my hand gently squeezed his erection, Jungkook let out a hushed moan of pleasure.

“That’s right, baby. Touch me,” Jungkook breathed out, and I obediently undid the button of his jeans and pulled the zipper down. Biting my lips, I grabbed the hem of his trousers and yanked them down to his calves.

Apparently, Jungkook’s a boxers kind of guy. His budge was impressive, and I couldn’t wait until I’d see what’s hidden under the material. Having licked my lips, I leaned forward to press my lips against his clothed erection. Jiwoo had told me a few months ago that guys liked a little bit of teasing, and it appears that, Jungkook likes it, too.

“You know how to tease me very well for someone who has never done it,” Jungkook nonchalantly commented, but I just shrugged. I wanted to taste him, and I didn’t want to engage in useless conversation with him.

“You will change your mind when I graze your dick with my teeth,” I said jokingly, but Jungkook panicked even if it was for about a second.

“I think I like you too much to get seriously mad at you,” Jungkook admitted, and I smiled shyly, hoping not to blush at his strange confession. With my eyes trained on his erection, I freed his cock out of the boxers, giving it a few delicate strokes. “Oh, your hands are so cold,” Jungkook hissed, kicking his head backward.

“Hints are very much appreciated,” I added, reminding him it was my first time stroking and blowing a man, so if he had any pointers for me, I’d gladly use them.

“You can squeeze your hand a bit tighter, I barely feel your touch, and it drives me insane,” Jungkook instructed me, and I followed his tips, making him bite his bottom lip, as he tried to remain cool. “You can spit on it, you know,” he added, but I ignored him this time, deciding to lick his cock from its base all up to its tip instead.

“Shit,” Jungkook cursed, shutting his eyes close. “Just put it in your mouth already,” Jungkook urged, and I wrapped my mouth around the tip of his cock just as he demanded. “Oh, yeah, just like that,” Jungkook panted out, enjoying the way I ran my tongue around the tip while simultaneously squeezing his balls.

“I’m so turned out right now,” I moaned, feeling excitement flare up inside of me. “I’m so wet for your thick cock,” I added before I once again put his cock into my mouth, this time taking more of him. His response was immediate; although he was trying to stay still because of my lack of experience, he couldn’t stop himself from buckling his hips up, desperate to fuck my throat.

“OK, that’s enough,” Jungkook whispered, as I probably did something wrong. Well…, if anything, it was his fault – he was thrusting into my mouth when I was evidently not prepared for it. “It’s my turn to take care of you; don’t you think?” He added as he offered me his hand to help me stand up.

“You want to eat me out?”

“Damn straight I do,” Jungkook answered quickly, as he jumped up to his feet in front of me and threw me over his shoulder. “You remember that drinking game we played? I’m gonna prove to you how mind-blowing head I give,” he added and spanked my butt playfully.

“If I knew that my choice would hurt your ego so much, I’d just point at Hoseok,” I answered, trying to refrain myself from giggling. The situation was ridiculous; Jungkook was trying to prove me wrong, although I had no doubts in his skills.

Quickly, Jungkook stepped out of his boxers, leaving them behind on the kitchen floor as he carried me to his bedroom.

“To be completely honest, I thought of eating you out ever since,” Jungkook admitted as he placed me on his bed carefully. “How you would moan my name, how you would arch your back and buckle into my face,” he continued, and I hid my face behind my hands too embarrassed to look at him. “Is it too much?”

Hesitantly, I lowered my hands to look at him; Jungkook was sitting on the other side of the bed, staring at me. He looked incredibly nervous, and I couldn’t believe it was me who made him stressed like that. It was just me; he didn’t have to worry about what I was thinking.

“What are you talking about? It’s nothing compared to what I was thinking,” I stated confidently, trying to ease the tension between us. “Maybe I wasn’t pining for you as long as you were for me, but my thoughts are way kinkier. You don’t have to be embarrassed in front of me,” I explained, and with that, Jungkook surged forward, getting on top of me, kissing my breath away.

“You’re too great to be real,” he whispered when he pulled away for a second. Before I managed to reply, his lips returned to my mouth, while his hands started to once again roam around my body. Jungkook completely dominated the kiss, and I moaned into his mouth when he squeezed my breast and rubbed his erection against me.

“Just fuck me, Jeon. I don’t care if it’s your cock, tongue or fingers. I just have to feel you, please,” I urged me, as grinding my sex against him wasn’t the best sign of what I wanted him to do. Kissing him was beyond amazing, but my pussy was throbbing for his attention.

“I just love how needy you are,” Jungkook whispered as he kissed my neck, undoing my trousers, pushing his hand under the hem of my panties. “And your pussy is drenched,” he stated matter-of-factly, as he began to rub my juices across my clit.

“Yes,” I breathed out, pushing my hips upwards, wanting him to apply more force. “Oh my God, Jungkook, please, more,” I moaned, hoping that my desperate cries for pleasure would make him stop teasing me.

“Undress,” Jungkook ordered, and I quickly grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it over my head, while Jungkook yanked my jeans and panties down my legs, tossing them on the floor. “You look even better than I imagined,” Jungkook admitted before he leaned forward, placing delicate kisses on my stomach, down to my sex.

Firmly, his large hand held my hips in one place. With one last look at me, Jungkook dived in, shaking my world upside down with his tongue. All of his attention was focused on my clit, he massaged it, tugged it and swirled his tongue around it.

Though it was my first time when a guy went down on me, I could tell that Jungkook was amazing; I enjoyed it more than all of my past intimate endeavors. Unlike all the other men I had been with, Jungkook wasn’t only a taker. He gave so much from himself, while at the same time; he wasn’t trying to force me into returning the pleasure. He was perfect.

“You’re so hot,” Jungkook praised me before he started to fuck me with his tongue; it was so nice, I thought I could easily come on his mouth. “I could bet that I could make you come with my fingers,” he added smugly, as he inserted his middle finger inside my pussy.

“I’m not going to bet when I know I’m gonna lose,” I replied genuinely, as I had no intention to boost his ego even more. My desperate moans already stroked it a bit too much.

“Shame,” Jungkook spoke before he started to suck on my clit while curling his fingers inside of me, as he tried to make me come around his fingers.

“You’ve proven your point, Jeon. You’re amazing at giving head,” I said, as I gripped the sheets when Jungkook’s fingers found my sweet spot. “But I really want to come around your cock. Jungkook, please, I want to feel your cock inside of me.”

“Is it weird that it turns me on when you call me Jeon?” Jungkook asked as he pulled out, once again getting on top of me, placing his chin between my breasts.

“No, it’s not, Jeon,” I answered, watching his reaction when I called him by his surname. He didn’t lie, he evidently enjoyed it. “Is it weird that I want you to fill my pussy with cum and then make me come with your fingers with your cum inside of me?”

“A bit,” Jungkook admitted, and I giggled along with him. “But shit, now when you said it, I want to do that,” he added, and I smirked, glad that he didn’t find my fantasy too weird for him. “So… how do you want me to fuck your pussy?”

“I was wondering if I could ride your dick.”

“Baby, this seat is yours,” Jungkook said, as he lay beside me, letting me climb on top of him.

“Take off your shit, I wanna see these abs you’ve been working on,” I commanded, and Jungkook complied, showing off his beautiful muscles. Admiring the view in front of me, I reached behind my back to unhook my bra, releasing my breast.

“Do you like it?” He asked, but instead of answering him, I just grind my pussy against his throbbing cock. “You love it,” he concluded, tensing his muscles, so when I touched them, they were hard as rocks.

“I do, but I’d still like you if you weren’t ripped,” I admitted before I managed to bite my tongue. We had confessed to each other before, but it had never been that direct.

“And I’d still like you if you were just as ripped as I am,” Jungkook jested, and I rubbed him harder, excited to finally feel him inside of me. “Ride me.”

Slowly, I grabbed his cock and aligned it with my entrance, carefully sinking down onto it. He was thick, and despite being incredibly wet, I still was tight for his cock.

“Oh my God,” Jungkook moaned when my walls stretched around his length. “It feels so good,” he added, as he gently moved his hips, and I moaned, loving the feeling of him inside of me. It felt like heaven.”You’re so warm.”

At first, I rocked my hips slowly, but gradually I increased the pace. His cock was filling me so good, and whenever I sank down on it, I let a loud moan.

“Yes, baby,” Jungkook hissed, as he sat up. With his fingers digging into my flesh, he helped me reach the tempo which satisfied us both. “You’re so hot,” he added again, as he pressed his lips against my skin between my breasts. “You will make me come ridiculously fast,” Jungkook said, and I giggled in between desperate gasps for air.

My stamina was nonexistent when compared to Jungkook’s.

“Oh my God, yes!” I screamed when Jungkook hand rubbed my clit. “Fuck,” I panted, picking my pace, riding him using the last bits of my energy. My walls started to hiss around Jungkook’s throbbing cock, and judging by a multitude of hushed breaths which left his mouth, Jungkook was close too.

“Please, don’t stop,” Jungkook begged, as he began to thrust from underneath me. He was desperate to reach his orgasm, and I couldn’t wait to hear him shout my name when he’d release his load inside of me. “I’m coming, I’m coming, shit,” Jungkook loudly whined as he came, milking my walls with his sticky cum.

“Please, don’t stop!” I shouted as I continued to chase my release. “Fuck, Jungkook, I feel so good,” I said before the wave of pleasure surged through me, making me scream his name and arch my back. It was by far the best orgasm of my life.

“It was amazing,” Jungkook said as he kissed my temple, watching me descend slowly on the ground after the blissful peak. “You are amazing,” he added, but I only wrapped my arms around him, hiding my face in the crook of his neck.

“We have to keep doing that,” I commented, feeling incredibly euphoric. “I had no idea that sex could be this good,” I added while absentmindedly caressing his sweaty chest.

“I had no idea I’m this good,” Jungkook teased, and I lightly hit him. He was getting too smug for his own good. “So, you wanted another round, is that right?” Jungkook asked as he pulled out his cock, letting his jizz slowly leak out of my pussy. “It’s a lot of cum.”

“I know what I said, and I’m still turned on when I think about it, but now, I can only think about a hot shower,” I explained, even though I suspected Jungkook to be disappointed with me changing my mind so quickly. “Are you mad?”

“Are you kidding me?” Jungkook asked me as he propped on his elbow to be able to look at me properly. “I could never be mad at you.” He stated, pecking my forehead. “We’ll have a quick shower, and then, we’ll eat your pizza.”

“I like that plan.”

“I am not finished,” he said, making me curious about his plans. “Tomorrow, before our date I’m giving you two orgasms,” Jungkook proposed, and I eagerly nodded my head. “And another two orgasms after our date.”

“That’s crazy.”

“No, it would be crazy if I wanted to make you come during the date.”

“You’re crazy,” I corrected myself, trying my best not to giggle.

“Maybe a little bit.”

[malachi-walker]

What character(s) from other fandoms that you're a part of remind you the most of Catra? Personally, I don't think I've seen too many, aside from maybe Vegeta from DBZ and maybe Jason Todd from DC comics but that's about it for me

Ok, anon, thanks for your patience. Let's go.

Firstly, I have two ladies that do give me a similar vibe to Catra (though they aren't 100% matches as you'll see.) And I want you to take particular note of that: it's very telling that the characters you mentioned are both dudes. This is something I have been thinking about for literally decades because it is a deeply entrenched stereotype in our culture: male abuse victims are angry, frustrated loners who lash out until they find that one (girl) person that gets through their facade, female abuse victims are portrayed as either anxious messes (more common in recent years) or as just... These smiling caricatures who continue to pretend to be happy because that's what our societies expect women to be. And this is something I took note of at a very early age, because as someone growing up with an abusive birth father I looked to the MALE characters as a guide book on how to act, because getting angry and lashing out was what made sense to me at the time and I resented the hell out of that unspoken implication that I was supposed to just suck it up and plaster on a smile when I wanted to rage against the injustice of what I was dealing with. In hindsight it wasn't great behavior, but it was what I needed to keep myself sane at the time. I'm not even exaggerating when I say I have waited my whole life for a character like Catra: someone who is reflective of my experiences as an ex-abuse victim, someone who is angry and wrathful and still allowed to be sympathetic. Now on to our two ladies.

First up: Vriska Serket from Homestuck. (I know, Homestuck is a huge fandom with a lot of assholes, but I do still enjoy the original comic. I just don't interact with the fandom.) Vriska and Catra both have similar vibes in the way they project their outward personas of being the badass bitch who takes no shit and is on top of things, but we all know that's a lie. And they both come from abusive backgrounds: Vriska was forced to become a killer at a very young age because her parental guardian (a literal giant spider) would eat her if Vriska didn't feed her other kids. Doesn't excuse her jerkass tendencies or her terrible actions, but that was how she started out. And Catra's deal with SW needs no explanation.

They both have developed very similar gadfly tendencies in order to maintain a sense of control around other people (though Vriska is a lot more mean spirited about it) and both have moments when the facade cracks and they show actual sincerity and frustration at themselves and other people. The main difference between them is that Vriska's actions are driven by a sense of grandiose self-importance that she has cultivated and fed into as a way to avoid looking at her own actions (because she's the best, so everything she does is awesome, right?) whereas Catra's primary driving motivation is pain: either making sure she doesn't have to hurt anymore or hurting those who hurt her. Plus Catra grapples with her sense of guilt a lot throughout Spop and maintains those sympathetic undertones while Vriska's moments of clarity are so rare that you basically have to keep a chart to locate them. But you could totally picture them both teaming up to make fun of their respective frenemies, assuming they didn't kill each other first for reminding themselves of their deep underlying self-loathing.

Second candidate: Anthy Himemiya from Revolutionary Girl Utena. And boy howdy, if anyone is interested in this show and wants to avoid spoilers, skip to the end now, because we're going on a deep and dark journey here.

At first glance, she and Catra don't have much in common. In fact, she seems to fit the stereotype I described above: the placid smiling doll who takes the abuse and keeps going. Key word: seems to. Anyone who actually watches the show knows exactly where I'm going here.

We're introduced to Anthy as the "Rose Bride": the prize in a series of sword fights between students at a very strange school, with the ultimate promise being that whoever owns the Rose Bride at the end of the duels will gain some nebulous ultimate power. And yeah, I said "own" for a reason: whoever possesses the Rose Bride effectively owns her and some of the most uncomfortable scenes in the show reinforce the fact that Anthy tailors her thoughts and actions to whoever currently controls her. And as you can expect, this leads to BUCKETS of abuse. Literally everyone in this show is culpable in some manner for this, no matter how well intentioned.

But remember that "seems to?" Because that's only one side of Anthy; the outward persona if you will. On the other side of the coin you have Anthy the Witch, and that's where the parallels with Catra come into play and why Anthy was my go-to abuse representation before Spop rocked my world. Because the big twist we find out at the end of the series is that Anthy and her older brother Akio (formerly Dios) are the former literal personifications of the fairytale damsel in distress princess and the noble prince on a white horse, respectively.

But the balance was upset: having to constantly go around saving people was literally killing Dios, because one of the major points of RGU is that you can assist people in saving themselves but doing it yourself strips them of agency and traps them in a cycle of needing to be saved again and again. The more people the noble prince saved, the more people needed saving. When it became clear that he couldn't keep going, Anthy took a stand and prevented the people coming for Dios (angry that he wasn't saving them anymore) from getting to him, and thus incurred the wrath of everyone and got skewered alive by an angry mob in the process. This isn't hyperbole: the role of the Rose Bride is to instinctively bring out the disdain and hatred of everyone on the planet. It's a punishment for stepping out of line, for not being the placid princess who needs to be rescued anymore.

Because we're operating on fairy tale logic, no longer being a princess means that Anthy became a witch, and no longer being the prince made Dios into satanic archetype Akio. So behind the scenes of the entire show, Anthy is the witch assisting her brother in orchestrating the duels, and their ultimate goal is to find someone pure of heart enough to embody those princely virtues Dios once possessed and to steal that power so Akio can return to being who he once was. All of the psychological torments and head games are designed to weed out the potential candidates to find that special someone... Except it's an impossible goal because no human being can live up to that standard. And with each atrocity they commit it becomes even more impossible to return to being that person.

Ok, tangent done, here's where it gets interesting: Anthy is a character with two sides to her, the suffering Rose Bride fated to endure the hatred of the entire world and the Wicked Witch who manipulates and orchestrates the torment of those around her. But here's the deal: she's a victim too. She's a victim of a system that won't let her be anything other than these two binaries; she's a victim of her brother who has all the power over her and has trapped her in a codependent incestuous relationship, and I don't care how awful the things she's done are: nobody deserves to go through the shit she does. So with all of that in mind, the actions that she goes through as the witch make perfect sense. Why shouldn't she torment these people who do nothing but abuse her and deny her of agency? Even the best hearted of the duellists (aka the ones who don't hit her or abuse her sexually) nonetheless fall into the trap of projecting their own biases and expectations onto her, biases that her role dictates she carry out. Her actions as the witch aren't right, but nothing about this situation is. That's the entire point.

And that's where she ties into being like Catra. Catra does some truly fucked up things, but it doesn't cancel out the fact that she's an abuse victim that has been literally tortured for most of her life for no good reason and has received zero acknowledgement of that abuse in universe. And much like Anthy, she can't begin to heal until the situation is acknowledged, because that's literally step one of breaking the cycle: confirming that this is not okay and that no one deserves the shit she's been through. Just knowing that herself isn't enough: it's acknowledgement from others that enables that process to begin, because no one can recover from abuse in a vacuum. You need outside people to be touchstones, because so much of recovering from abuse is confronting the way it warps your perception and thought processes. You need at the minimum one normal perspective to give you that, preferably more, but one minimum.

Hurting the people who care about her is definitely not okay and I'm not excusing her actions in that category, but it doesn't change the fact that she is justified in wanting to rage and lash out, because she is still trapped in that cycle. She can't heal or let go because the process hasn't even been started. She's not off the hook for the things she's done, but neither should she be automatically condemned without taking those factors into account (which is the entire reason why the distinction between an excuse and a justification exists.)

And if I can be a little pithy... The other similarity between Catra and Anthy is I can guarantee that in twenty years people will STILL be arguing over whether or not Catra "deserved" to be freed from her abusive situation.

Good God this turned into an essay. Hope this makes up for how long it took, anon. And anyone else who makes it this far, treat yourself. You earned it.

[purplesurveys]

887

Numbers, Numbers Everywhere

How old are you? I turned 22 last April.

What day of the month is your birthday? It’s on the 21st. It’s exactly a week after my brother’s birthday and six days before my parents’ anniversary, so April tends to be a hectic month for us. What's the last digit of your phone number? It ends in 5.

What's your favorite number? I don’t pick a favorite number because the idea just doesn’t make sense to me. If someone asked me to pick a number though I always go with 4 just because it reminds me of Beyoncé lol How many bedrooms does your home have? It used to have three but my parents had the balcony renovated and transformed into another bedroom after they realized my siblings and I were all getting older, and that it would be the most appropriate decision to let us have our own rooms.

How many people do you live with? Four people and two dogs. How many exes do you have? I’ve only had one, but we got back together. How long is the song you're listening to? (If you have music going.) Not listening to any music right now but the last song I played a few hours ago was Thick and Thin by LANY, which is 3 minutes and 32 seconds long. What time did you wake up, today? I woke up at 8 AM. I surprised myself today because it meant I had slept for 11 hours, something I don’t remember ever being able to do lol. I was asleep by 9 PM last night because overthinking all day tired me out and also because I didn’t have my afternoon coffee. How many siblings do you have? I have two. I don’t speak to one of them. How many gaming consoles are in your home? We have three consoles that we currently use – PS4, Switch, and my siblings also recently re-unboxed our PS3 to play older games on it. We also have other consoles that we haven’t used in a while but just never thrown out – Wii, DSi, PS2, and two PSPs. How many pets do you have? I have two dogs :) Kimi’s a 12 year old half-aspin half-we never actually figured out what his other breed is, we’re thinking shih tzu? and Cooper is a three month old beagle. How many schools have you attended? Just two. I attended the same school from kindergarten to high school then I went to a different one for college. How old were you when you had your first kiss? (If you've had it.) I was 16, but was turning 17 that year. How many movies have you seen at the cinema this year? Zero. This would be a lot sadder to answer if I loved going to the cinemas, but tbh I only watch movies in the theatres like twice a year so I’m not too bothered. Still, I miss having that option. How many windows does your bedroom have? It has two big windows but each of them have six panes that I can open. How many TVs are in your home? Four. There’s one in the dining room, living room, parents’ room, and brother’s room. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I don’t feel like getting up just to count them. I wanna say around 15-20 pairs. How many hours of sleep did you get last night? Already mentioned this, but 11 hours. That’s a feat for me, considering I’ve only been getting 4-5 hours a night lately. I even wanted to sleep more, but Cooper wanted a playmate and I felt bad. How many inches long is your hair (at it's longest point)? Idk 8, 9 inches? Not good with exact measurements, but the longest it’s been was right above my waist. How many chairs are in your living room? We have an L-shaped couch that can seat five people, which is how big my family is so it’s just the right size for us. We don’t have chairs per se, though we used to a few years ago.   How many pairs of sunglasses do you own? Zero. Not a fan of them. How many cell phones have you owned/had? My current one is my 8th. I’ve switched phones so much because I lost them a lot (as a kid) or I broke them a lot (as a teenager). Was never good at taking care of my valuables so my parents made sure that with my iPhone 8, it had the toughest phone case and the thickest tempered glass we could find. I still ended up ruining them both loooool but the phone is still staying strong with me, so at least that’s something. How many apps are on your cell phone? 99. How the fuck do I have that many??? I always just thought I had around 25. I need to clean up my phone, damn. How tall are you? 5′1″. How long have you lived in your current home? 12 years. What percentage is your phone's battery at right now? It’s at 33% right now. I’ve been horrible at charging it lately because I keep unplugging when it hits around 45% so I can use it wirelessly, whoops. How much your home's rent (or mortgage) each month? I’m not sure about the amount; my parents pay for the house. How many surgeries have you had? Zero. How many doors does your home have? 13. How many times did you drink (alcohol) last month? I’m not sure...maybe once or twice? I try to save up my alcohol because I only have five bottles of soju and I don’t think I’ll be getting another set soon. How many pillows are on your bed? Two. How many letters are in your first name? R-o-b-y-n, five. How many times have you been in love? Once. How many pieces of jewelry are you currently wearing? None right now and none for a while. I haven’t had a reason to wear jewelry at home. What is the age difference between you and your significant other? One month and around two weeks. We’re the same age - we went to school together and were part of the same batch. How much cash do you currently have? I have a little over ₱700. It’s the last of my school allowance, aw :( How many contacts are in your phone? A lot. I don’t think my phone has an option to view the total number. How many best friends do you have? Two. How old is your mom? 48, though she’s turning 49 in September. How old is your dad? 49. How many keys do you have (on your keyring/chain or whatever)? Just two – house and car keys. I’d put trinkets on it but I’ve lost the ones I’ve tried hooking onto my keychain.

How many keychains are attached to your keys? ^ How many video games do you own? My best guess would be 50-60. I’d say we have around 15 per console. How many monthly bills do you pay/have? We have the internet, phone, electricity, and water bills, but it’s my parents who pay for them. They also pay for the house and the cars. Until recently we also got monthly bills for our cable subscription, but my dad canceled it after he realized no one in the house watched TV anymore because we’re all on either YouTube or Netflix now. If you get an allowance, how much do you get weekly? My parents gave me ₱2000 a week in college, which would be enough to gas up my car for the next five days, feed myself in school, and have one or two nights out with friends. It used to be ₱1000 but that was super little and I used to starve myself in school, and for the longest time I had just been too shy to tell my parents to increase my allowance. If you have a job, how much do you earn (hourly)? No job yet. What is your town/city's population? (You might need to look that one up.) A little less than 780,000.

How long have you lived in the town you currently live in? More or less 20 years. We only lived in Manila until I was 1. How long have you lived in the state/province you currently live in? Again, 20 years. Manila is in a different region from where I currently reside. How long have you been with your significant other? (if taken) A little over four years. How long were you with your most recent ex? (if you have one) My only ex is also my SO, and during our first relationship we were together for eight months. How many blind dates have you been on? Zero. Not for me. How many email addresses do you have (that you use)? Three. I have two Gmails and one Outlook, but the last one I barely use anymore. How many times have you traveled outside of your home country? Three. The first was a joint vacation to Singapore and Malaysia; the second was a trip to Indonesia; the third was a cruise that involved three countries, but we flied to China because that’s where the ship was stationed. How many times do you usually sneeze in a row? Four or five at most. But that doesn’t happen a lot. Usually I’d only sneeze once. What time is it right now? 5:22 PM.