#Is family stress just way worse than school stress for me because it doesn’t feel that way

[geyfrog]

Eyehas been twitching nonstop for a week. Google says get more rest and less stress. But it’s the bullshit days between Christmas and New Years’, I don’t think I COULD be more rested and less stressed. The fuck is causing this, then?

[trustmypoison]

SVT with a partner that had a tough childhood

Requested? Yes!

Request: ‘Svt reaction when there s/o was in lots of foster homes as a kid and was adopted, like talking about how there s/o childhood was like and stuff ‘

A/N: the request was specific, but I think a lot of tough upbringings can lead to similar outcomes in adult life. To the requester, I hope me broadening this concept is okay and you could still relate to it. 

A/N #2: I don’t discuss the tough childhood itself, but rather what those outcomes later in life can look like. Still, if this might be a sensitive topic for you, proceed with caution. 

Prioritizes your physical safety - Seungcheol, Woozi

He doesn’t need to know details, but if he ever gets the hint that physical harm has ever come to you, he takes on a guard dog mentality. He's your body guard everywhere he goes with you. He buys you all of the self-defense keychains and teaches you how to fight if you don't know how. He installs a high-end security system in your home or apartment. These are non-negotiables for him in a way, because he doesn’t like the fear in your eyes if your personal history comes up and he refuses to let any of it repeat. So he spends a pretty significant amount of time and money to give you tools that might make you feel safer. 

Cuts out triggers for you anytime he can - Joshua, Mingyu, Vernon

He also doesn’t need all the details. Just a simple, “I don’t like this,” is enough for him to help you avoid it forever. Doesn’t matter if it’s a particular song, or the smell of cigarettes or alcohol, or the darkness in your bedroom at night. It seriously does not matter what it is because it’s all going on his list to keep in mind. He skips the song or deletes it from his music library altogether. He avoids environments with you where smoking and drinking might be prevalent. He buys you cute little night lights and lets you cuddle into him at night for some extra security. 

Tries to ease your stresses about financial security - Wonwoo, Seungkwan

He spots the amount of money in your savings one day and muses about if you’re saving for anything in particular. You say you’re not, it’s just in case you need it. He thinks that’s pretty sensible, until he sees how your definition of 'need it' varies from his. Your car breaks down for the tenth time and you’re in no rush to trade it in anytime soon, just doing minor repairs to get it up and running again. He’ll eventually talk you into trading in, if only because he worries about you sacrificing your safety in a junk car in order to keep the money in your account. He’ll also offer to help with these sort of things, not that he ever expects you to take him up on that offer. 

Helps you experience things that you might have missed out on - Jun, DK, Chan

A tough childhood can mean that you’ve never experienced a lot of things. These are fun things, like getting to decorate your own room or go on trips. Like if he ever hears you’ve never been to an amusement park, he’s taking you right away. But there are also some serious things you might have missed out on. Like if you haven’t been to the doctor in a while, he’s encouraging you to go in for a checkup. Or if you didn’t get to prioritize school, he’s encouraging you to go back and pursue something you’re interested in. These guys will not hesitate to fund any of these opportunities for you, even if you put up a fight about it. 

Tries to help you reframe the image of what a healthy family and/or relationship is - Jeonghan, Hoshi, Minghao

The first fight between you two is an eye-opening experience for him. He’s not sure what you expected, and maybe he doesn’t want to know the specifics, because you seemed to expect much worse than a little silent treatment until he figured out what he wanted to say. If you ever express any confusion about how he handles these moments of tension, he’s setting you straight. Yes, he’s upset, but he couldn’t dream of doing anything other than talking it out with you. He learns to have some extra patience, and you learn to work through the anxiety with him. 

[jtl-fics]

Fluent Freshman - Part 22

PREVIOUS

Y’know how sometimes you have something that you need to do or something that you know is going to happen but you just keep…putting it off? Like you know at some point it is going to happen but you put it off over and over and over and over again? You’re getting increasingly anxious every time you put it off because you know it has to get done but you also know that the longer you wait the worse it is going to get. Finally, FINALLY, the anxiety is just a little too much and you end up having to deal with it.

You finally deal with it and the whole ordeal takes maybe five minutes tops and it was in no way shape or form worth the level of anxiety that you put yourself through. Like you worried about this for a good and long while and it wasn’t even that bad?

That is currently how FF feels about being stabbed by Andrew Minyard.

This is what he was so worried about that he had lost sleep, had nightmares, had lost weight, and had exacerbated his stress ulcers over.

Getting stabbed wasn’t anywhere near as bad as he had thought it was going to be. Maybe it was the fact that it was just a single stab wound instead of the Psycho levels that he had been imagining (Wow, showers were going to be so much less stressful now that he didn’t have to confirm Andrew Minyard’s location before triple checking the lock). Maybe it was the fact that he is PUMPED full of adrenaline from his fights against Jackson and Romero but the stab wound didn’t even really hurt at the moment.

This isn’t even the worse thing that had happened to him this year!

That honor still goes to the joint winners of when his Step Family and mother found out that he had a full-ride to Palmetto and when he had tripped up the same step on the stairs at school three times in a row as people watched and laughed.

(Maybe also the solitary congratulations from his Grandma in regards to his graduation but FF doesn’t let himself think about that, won’t think about it.)

He wouldn’t necessarily call being in a state of ‘stabbed’ a pleasant time but Andrew was being so NICE about it.

“Stop trying to sit up you fucking idiot!” Andrew shouts at him.

Well….Andrew’s version of nice.

(This is the same version of nice that he had misunderstood for months at this point. Maybe FF is just enough in shock from the stab wound in his stomach that he’s starting to grasp the basics in the difficult language of Andrew Minyard’s niceness.)

Andrew had gotten off the phone with 911 and then started pulling off his own jacket before draping it over FF’s upper body, wedging his phone between his shoulder and his ear, and then Andrew started to apply pressure to his stomach wound.

Ow.

That is not a great feeling. This stabbing may eke out past the great triple trip of March 2010.

“No, take back your jacket. You’ll get cold if you don’t have it on.” FF argues because his own jacket is barely doing the job. Maybe it’s the cold pavement of the alley, maybe it’s the blood loss, or maybe it’s the cooling sweat he’d worked up but he is shivering pretty badly.

A thought occurs to him as he feels the weird wet stickiness of his own blood sticking to Nicky’s shirt. “Can you help me get my jacket off?” He asks looking pleadingly at Andrew, “It’s my dad’s. I don’t wanna mess it up with my blood.” He clarifies when Andrew looks at him like he’s a lunatic.

Except his second call must connect right then because Andrew’s answer is non-sensical to what FF had asked, “Neil, let Roland know the police and ambulances are en route.” There’s a brief pause and the pressure against his stomach increases as a muscle in Andrew’s jaw jumps. “Smith got stabbed.” He says and he looks angry, angrier than FF had ever seen Andrew when he’s talking to Captain Neil. There is another pause, more than likely Neil saying something or asking a question, “No, it wasn’t them.” Andrew grits out and the pressure on FF’s stomach hurts, “Just get out here, I need help with smith and making sure these two assholes don’t go anywhere before the police come and grab them.” He says before he pulls one hand away from Smith’s stomach (wow he really is bleeding isn’t he?) to hang up the phone.

Andrew’s gaze turns back to him fully, “You’re not moving an inch Smith, your jacket can be cleaned.” He hisses. “Now stay still and don’t fall asleep.” He orders.

Andrew seems stressed so FF complies. He can’t help but notice how Andrew’s hands seem to be shaking as the press down on his stomach. He kind of wishes he had a pillow or something for his head because he’s starting to feel a little dizzy. Andrew’s jacket would be safer from his blood if it was a pillow instead of a blanket. Still, FF would sooner die than spit on any of Andrew’s current efforts to make him more comfortable.

He looks at the knife sticking out of his stomach. Well, he might die regardless of whether or not he spits on Andrew’s efforts.

He needs to take his mind off this.

“Should we take it out and pretend the Dundee knife stabbed me instead??” FF asks letting his mind go to the first thought in his head so that he could be distracted from his own mortality. “I think it’s still under the dumpster over there.” He moves to point one of his hands towards where the knife had remained throughout this entire ordeal.

Andrew’s knee pinned his arm before he could move it, “Stop moving Smith.” Andrew reminded him before moving his knee. “We have to leave the knife in. You’ll bleed to death otherwise.” Andrew reminds.

“I guess that’s true, so do we just say that Romero got a handle on your knife and stabbed me?” He asks fighting his own shivers since he’s a little worried that any shaking on his part would just make the stab wound worse.

“I stabbed you Smith.” Andrew says looking at him with a furrowed brow.

“Yeah, I know,” FF agrees, “but we’re not going to say THAT to the cops.” He says and shock really is one HELL of a drug because he thinks he might have actually given Andrew Minyard an incredulous look with his atrophied face muscles. It’s either Shock or the knowledge that even if he irritates Andrew, what’s Andrew going to do about it?

STAB HIM?

“You’re going to lie to the cops?” Andrew asks, “I STABBED you Smith.” Andrew repeats.

“Yeah, I know!” FF repeats back, “You stabbed me on ACCIDENT.” FF makes sure to use the same intonation that Andrew had used to emphasize the word Stabbed. “Jackson wanted to stab me on PURPOSE. You saw that knife Andrew.” He tries to gesture towards the knife again but again Andrew’s knee pinned his hand.

He could use his other one but the reminder to stay still is enough.

“I still stabbed you.” Andrew says removing his knee again when it’s clear that FF wasn’t going to try and gesture again.

“Well, if I was going to get stabbed by anyone, I guess I’m glad my first time was with you.” Andrew let’s out a bark of a laugh that sounds more like it was punched out of him than anything, “Honestly, I don’t think Jackson would have given me his jacket afterwards or try and help me keep my blood in my body.” He says and it feels like a victory (not a both hands in the air victory cry level victory but it was close) when Andrew’s face settled into one of faint amusement.

“Probably not.” Andrew agreed, “He doesn’t seem big on Aftercare.” He says.

FF doesn’t know what that means but nods like he does, “So, Romero got a hold of your knife during our tussle and he’s the one who stabbed me. Okay? That’s the story I’m going to stick with no matter who asks me.” He looks Andrew in the eye.

“Alright Smith,” one of Andrew’s hands leaves his stomach and clasps around his shoulder and FF can’t help but notice how neither of Andrew’s hands are shaking anymore. “We can lie to the police.” He squeezes FF’s shoulder.

“Nice.” He says and lets his head fall back onto the concrete. He hears a siren in the distance and hopes it’s coming for him.

They sit in silence for maybe 30 seconds before the door slams open and only Andrew’s hands on his stomach and shoulder keep him from shooting straight up in a panic. Captain Neil seemed to take in the scene at lightning speed but it was Andrew who spoke first, “You left Aaron and Nicky with Roland?” He asks.

“Yeah I did,” Captain Neil confirms and FF can see the moment that his eyes land on the knife handle jutting out of FF’s stomach, “Andrew, what are we going to tell the police?” Captain Neil asks and FF could already see Neil crafting a lie to cover Andrew. That’s one of the things that FF likes about Captain Neil and Andrew’s relationship. He thinks it’s nice that both of them have someone who no matter the circumstances would be there with a shovel to help bury a body. He even thought it was nice when he thought it’d be his body!

“The second guy stabbed me.” The lie comes out smoothly which is good because he is planning on committing to it and Captain Neil blinks and looks at him, “He got hold of Andrew’s knife during the tussle.” He adds.

Captain Neil looks to Andrew, “You said it wasn’t-“

“I guess Smith can lie to a liar.” Andrew interrupts.

Captain Neil’s eyes widen before a wicked grin spread across his face that made FF just a little uncomfortable but only because Andrew’s grip on his shoulder suddenly tightened and his nostrils flared the way they did before the two usually started speaking in Russian.

He can handle being stabbed, he cannot handle being in shock and pretending that he doesn’t know what the two of them are saying to one another.

“Can you tell Nicky I’m sorry I got blood on his clothes?” He asks and both Captain Neil and Andrew’s gaze snap away from eye-fucking each other. He looks down and the clothes are black and they haven’t moved the knife so the wound is plugged still but yeah there’s definitely blood seeping into the shirt, not to mention the hole. “Could you tell him I’m sorry about that?” He asks.

“You are going to tell him yourself Smith.” Andrew hisses, “You are going to be fine. Do you understand me?” He asks before turning to Neil, “Can you bunch your jacket under his legs, it’s better to keep them higher than his head and heart?” He asks.

Aw.

Andrew is just so nice.

He can’t BELIEVE he thought Andrew wanted to hunt him for sport.

He’d apologize for thinking that but he thinks it’d be better to just let that particular misunderstanding go unmentioned.

Captain Neil bunches his jacket up and puts it under FF’s legs before he goes over to check on Romero and Jackson. In the corner of his eye he sees Captain Neil pause at the sight of Romero before moving over to Jackson.

“Why is he in these?!” Neil asks baffled.

“It’s a weird sex alley Captain Neil! I don’t know WHAT to tell you!” Yeah he’s definitely going into shock. The sirens are getting closer though so he’ll probably be okay.

***

The cops all have a bit of a laugh about Jackson’s cuffs until Neil tells them exactly who they are taking into custody. Neil could admit that he’s a little irritated with Andrew that at no point did the man clarify that the people who FF and Andrew were dealing with were Romero and Jackson.

Those are his father’s goons.

“They were here for me.” Neil says to the police officer and Andrew’s hand tightens in his, “They tried to take Smith because he’s my friend.”

They had decided on their story before the cops came. FF had no idea who any of these people were and was just defending himself. He’d gone out to catch his breath in the alley when Jackson had shown up. Neil had asked how in the world FF had handled Jackson on his own but FF must have been getting kind of loopy from blood loss because all he said was, “He told me to sing so I did.”

Neil can find out the full story later.

The important part is.

“Jackson went after Smith but Smith won the fight.” Neil says looking at where the cops are trying to decide how to get the fuzzy pink handcuffs off of Jackson to get him in the far more secure police issued handcuffs.

“Your friend said that you and he took out Romero together. That Romero is the one who stabbed him with your knife.” He says.

“Yes.” Andrew answers simply and Neil squeezes his hand as a reminder, “I went out to grab a smoke and Romero followed after me. Romero got hold of one of my knives in the struggle and stabbed Smith.” Andrew says with his usual deadpan affect.

“Yeah that’s what your friend Smith was saying too.” The officer says. “Well, I’m sure the FBI will want to talk to you all further but for now it’s a pretty clear cut case of self defense and no one but your friend has any serious injuries.” The officer pats Neil on the shoulder and Neil manages not to shirk away from the touch. The officer retracts his hand, “You guys are free to go tonight.” He says and turns back towards the car where a dazed Romero is in the back seat.

“Where did they take Smith?” Andrew asks since they’d been shepherded away from Smith the moment the ambulance had come. They hadn’t been able to ask which hospital Smith was going to be taken to so they could go and get updates.

“Lexington.” The cop answers, “Go on and see your friend. He seemed pretty loopy he kept talking about some beauty contest thing when he was getting loaded into the ambulance. I’m sure he’ll be a riot on painkillers.” The cop goes for a joke but it twists something in Neil’s stomach to think of FF so out of it that he’s talking nonsensically.

He feels Andrew’s hand stiffen in his and knows he’s not alone.

“Thanks.” Neil says before they head towards the front of the club. The club had been emptied out when the cops had come so Roland was babysitting Aaron and Nicky for them while they talked to the cops and FF was loaded out to the hospital.

In a way it’s almost a blessing that Nicky and Aaron are both so blasted that they aren’t comprehending any of what’s going on. They’ll have to drop them off back at the house before they go to the hospital. They’ll beat Wymack there easily even after the interrogation and drop off.

FF had asked them to call Wymack to let him know what was going on “I gave him the rights to make health care decisions for me if I’m incapacitated.” FF had said so Neil texts Wymack the hospital and the address after Andrew rattles it off for him.

“I don’t like that you hid it from me.” Neil says in the car.

“They wanted to kill you.” Andrew won’t apologize.

They still hold hands on the drive back to the Columbia house.

Andrew takes care of getting Aaron into bed while Neil helps Nicky.

Nicky who looks at Neil with a loopy smile and Neil hurts knowing that tomorrow when Nicky finds out about tonight and how he was too blasted to do anything to help FF.

Andrew and Neil reconvene in the Maserati and make their way to the hospital before either of them realize the issue.

“What is the name of the patient you’re looking for an update on?” The receptionist asks.

Both Andrew and Neil freeze.

Fuck.

MASTERPOST FOR ALL PARTS OF FLUENT FRESHMAN AU

NEXT

Per your requests:

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The requests to be added to the tag list keep being spread out across a few different areas. If I missed you please just ask again in the replies I promise I just missed you.

As stated before if you’re up here and I spelled it right but you didn’t get a notification there might be something switched around in your settings that won’t let me tag you properly?

[monalaniussboyfriend]

BILL COLLINS TIMELINE B4 HELL (ALL OPINIONATED/HEADCANONS!)

(MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW!)

- Undiagnosed psychopath, started having violent urges, slowly stopped feeling empathy during childhood and they only got worse with time.

- Has slight trichotillomania, it got worse over time. He pulls and tugs at his hair, but never really actually rips it out until he’s stressed (or until he met Mona)

- Refused to get help as he got older (and as he got worse) because he didn’t want to seen weaker than other men, so he bottled it all up. (and ripped his hair out)

- He thought becoming a cop and starting a family would “make them go away.” (Spoiler! That only made it worse!)

- One of the other reasons he became a cop was to be able to take out his violent urges on criminals, but where he lived there was a low crime rate; This heightened his stress and worry about hurting people he “cared” about (Again, he felt zero empathy towards those who didnt understand him, but tried to convince himself otherwise.)

- He would often take nightshifts at the station to journal out his frustrations while sitting at his desk. These nightshifts would mean that he’d sleep all day until his family came home (His eldest would go to school, while his wife and two month old would go to mother/daughter clubs with her friends)

- His nightshifts would also cause a LOT of issues in his relationship.

- Once he started the job, he began locking himself in the attic, journalling his thoughts and urges because it started weighing on him. Journalling helped both him and Mona.

- Mona stalked him and his family for a while, but specifically Bill.

- She noticed Bill had been violently scribbling into a journal while he was at work one night, so she took it upon herself to find out whatever was happening with him. She wanted to know a weak spot.

(Off topic Mona headcanon. She was looking for a partner in crime for a bit before meeting Bill. She would break into people’s houses and threaten them. It would be like; “Work with me, or I’ll kill you.” and so far everyone chose to be killed!)

- That early morning, she broke into his house, not knowing he was on his way home early (The house is usually empty from 7am til 9am). He just got off a nightshift as she scrambled into the attic and read his journals. The same journals that he wrote about his yearning for an outlet to vent out his urges.

- She had found it, his weak spot.

- As she was leaving, she met a very frustrated Bill. Immediately, he wanted to attack but she held him off.

- “So…a little birdie told me you needed an outlet, hm? I can be that outlet, Bill.” (Pro manipulation 101)

- He agreed, hesitantly and mostly without question.

- This is where he started his killing spree alongside Mona. He finally found his outlet. Someone, someone who understands him.

- He quickly started to gain feelings for Mona, making it easier for her to control him.

- Just because he felt euphoric doesn’t mean he didn’t feel anxious.

- He faked his death solely because he was afraid of getting caught, and Mona wanted him as a constant meat shield, just in case.

- At first, he refused to kill his family, he compromised with Mona and made a deal with her. He would continue to pose as a cop and turn in her self portrait to make him seem like he was about to be a victim of these killers too. (She knew he wouldn’t be able to keep his composure any longer.) When he turned it in, he was off the suspect list.

- Remember when I said that his nightshifts would fuck with his relationship? Well, he would often skip nightshifts to go out with Mona and asked Ian Ford to cover for him. One night, his wife called the station and asked if Bill was there, and Ian was 100% honest with her.

- That honesty ended everything for Bill. Once he got home, his wife was standing at the door with that stern expression that all wives have when they suspect an affair.

- The questioning quickly turned into a fight, which Bill got very psychical in.

- This fight ended up triggering an extremely violent psychotic episode, in which he brutally slaughtered his entire family.

- Mona arrived a few hours after, when Bill was supposed to be home alone. She helped him clean up the mess and put everything in elaborate spots. (Praised him for giving in as well.)

- That was when Bill couldn’t take it anymore. He started to lose himself in his delusions. In the delusions that Mona had set for him.

- He carefully ripped his own face off and disinfected it, (with drugs ofc) leaving him able to live without a face. He started wearing masks of victims.

- He left his “original” face at the lighthouse so they would assume that Bill was dead, along with the rest of his family. (Which worked!)

- He slowly started to succumb to Mona’s manipulation, becoming a pet to her. He loved her He had truly thought that someone understood him, but she was just using him as an assistant.

[carmybearzattos]

hey i’m not sure if you’ve gotten this question before but do you have any random carmy headcanons?? i feel like talkin about the best boy in chicago :)

omg no one has asked me this before ty! i spend all my time thinking about carmy so i would love to talk about the bestest boy <3

ok assorted random messy carmy headcanons:

• he’s got undiagnosed adhd and i’ve got an entire list of justifications for this headcanon if anyone cares

• carried round a little teddy bear when he was a kid because i mean he’s literally called bear someone bought that kid a teddy bear.

• his favourite meal he’s ever had is something mikey made. probably the braciole

• got some jokes made at his expense by the international staff at noma for being italian american. “you don’t know how to make real authentic italian food, your family makes american garbage” kind of stuff

• probably had one dickhead teacher at school (everyone’s had at least one) who wanted him to stand up and read aloud in spite of his stutter. got shit for that and for not making eye contact with the class when he spoke. poor boy suffered so much at school :(

• first thing he ever learned to “cook” as a tiny little baby was peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. he doesn’t remember this bc he was too young but mikey put him up on a chair in the kitchen and showed him use a butter knife

• more of a mikey headcanon, but little mikey *did not* want another younger sibling. was not into the idea at all. then carmy was born and he immediately loved his baby brother more than anything in the whole entire world 💔

• the idea of virgin carmy is very endearing to me and just makes sense given the combination of his anxiety, the way his self hatred manifests in him just not allowing himself like anything good at all, and his lack of social life. but even if he has had sex before he’s still like had zero relationship experience but i mean that part’s canon.

• i like the idea of his angels tattoo being the very first one he got since it’s for sugar and mikey

• i don’t know when and i don’t know how but he gets that denim jacket he sells in the pilot back. me and jeremy allen white are in agreement on this.

• his mommy issues fascinate me. i don’t think she was ever abusive to carmy but between trying to run the beef and raise three kids on her own she probably didn’t have as much time for him as she wanted to and when she was around she was stressed and agitated and not great company. like her sons she probably had some undiagnosed mental illness going on and that had a big impact on carmy. probably worse than it did with mikey and sugar since they had their dad around longer. and i imagine carmy’s probably more like his mom than he ever wants to think about.

• speaking of his dad, i think carmy hates himself so much he probably sometimes thinks “oh maybe if i hadn’t been born maybe my dad would still be around. maybe one more kid was just too much and if it had only been mikey and sugar it would be fine.” he’s wrong of course, but this is the same boy who blames himself for mikey dying.

um ok i probably have a million more carmy thoughts but this is running long so here you go anon!

also if anyone ever wants to come into my ask box and talk about carmy (or sydney or richie!) please do i love to hear people’s thoughts!!!

[mooniekive]

slow burn | two (preview + link)

Pairing: min yoongi x reader 

AU: neighbors!au | producer!yooongi and teacher reader | they both identify as bi, and reader is aspec (grey-sexual/demi-romantic)

Genre: slow burn, kind of slice of life | fluff, angst

Word Count: 2k (preview) | 15.5k (chapter)

Warnings: alcohol consumption, mention of queerphobic parents, misunderstandings, angst

Synopsis: 

When one of your best friends and neighbors moves in with his partner, you’re surprised to have a quiet (and attractive) man move in next door. His protective nature intrigues you, and his looks pull you in with a magnetism so unfamiliar to you.

Min Yoongi is so used to being on his own that when he moves into a new place, and into an existing little found family, he’s forced out of his little box. He has no other choice but to finally allow himself to want. To want what he always desired — a place and people to comfortably exist with. 

Preview under cut, or read on ao3

As September rolls over the hills of Seoul, the heat seems to be cooling down along with it. You can wear thicker clothing, or more of it, without getting sweaty during the school day. Not to mention the commute to and from school is more enjoyable, you even decided to walk home today to enjoy the bustle of the streets, the rush of cars and young people moving about the city. The weather is finally letting you appreciate your surroundings. You were never a fan of summer, but this end of summer bliss is almost beautiful. 

Although the weather is better, it regrettably doesn't make teaching any less stressful. The ten to eleven year olds nowadays seem to be closer to pre-puberty than you remember being as a kid. Their hormones are making them act out and pick on the quieter ones in the class. There isn’t much you have been able to do without the parents getting involved, and most of them seem to think it’s nothing to worry about. They think it’s a phase and that their child will grow out of it, never mind the seriousness that bullying can easily turn into — how dangerous it can be when kids are allowed to do what they want. 

Your only choice has been to try and get through the kids to dissipate the issue, but it doesn’t seem to be working. On the contrary, it has only made their attitude worse. There isn’t much use in dwelling over it right now anyways. Maybe a good night’s sleep and some destressing will help you figure out what to do. 

You sigh as you feel the rush of cold air hit your bare arms as you swing the door open to the cafe. It’s your favorite cafe, only a few blocks away from your apartment and coincidentally right in the middle of your walk home from school. 

Jeongguk stayed at school today to get some stuff done, so Sora, the barista, is surprised to see you alone. 

“Y/N, where’s Jeonggukie?” 

“Stayed at school. Jimin too, but he said he’ll come over in a bit,” you add, giving a small knowing smile. 

Sora smiles and can’t hide their blush. “Oh, yes, he told me,” they add with a blinding smile. You always found Sora cute, in a quiet way, maybe it’s because of their shyness. You weren’t surprised when Jimin started coming this way to get his coffee despite it being the opposite way from his home. “The usual?” Sora asks. 

You smile at them and nod, taking out your card. “Can you add a strawberry pastry?” 

The place is calm and cozy, with a minimal aesthetic of warm colors — mostly brown and creams. Splashes of color hang on the wall in the form of local artist’s paintings. There’s a large window next to the door, surprisingly with an empty table. The soft R&B music playing helps create the perfect mood to relax your body and clear your mind, even if it’s just for a few minutes. 

You move over to set up shop by the table, and take out your laptop and notebook to start working, to get ahead on next week’s planner and input observations from the last few days. By the time Sora brings over your order, the air conditioner has made you pull a cardigan over exposed tattooed arms. You don’t have many, and you’re so used to hiding them at school that you sometimes forget you have them, so you’re a little surprised to find Sora staring. 

“I saw you got a new one?” 

You frown and look down at your arm as if you could see the ink over the cardigan. “Oh… uh, maybe about a year ago?” 

“Oh wow,” Sora laughs softly, “haven’t seen your tattoos since then, it’s pretty!” 

You recall the tattoo they mean, situated on your right arm, it’s a tiny patch of grass with some wild flowers and a black cat smelling them. Bokshil, of course. You smile and whisper a small thanks. 

Your quiet conversation is interrupted by the soft ding of the shop door opening, a smiling Jimin walking in behind it. 

“Min-ah!” Sora surprises you by saying quite loudly, beaming at their partner. Even getting the attention of some of the other customers. 

You laugh softly and shake your head. You leave them to be in their moment as you take a sip of the vanilla latte and focus your gaze out the window to people watch. There’s several shops lining the street. People walk out of bookshops and outlets, sweat beating down their skin as they look down at their phones, or look out for cars as they cross the street. 

Then you catch something small, a four legged furry friend, white with black dots rubbing against a stranger. Except the stranger isn’t really a stranger. As your eyes pan over them you’re surprised to find Yoongi smiling down at the cat. He squats down, placing his takeout bag down so he can coo and scratch at the kitty. He’s wearing a cap and a face mask, but you’re a little embarrassed at the fact you know it’s him. The eyes that crinkle with the smile, and the same mannerisms and hands that scratch under the cat’s chin are enough to confirm that it indeed is your next door neighbor. He’s wearing a familiar black shirt and cargo shorts too, which only confirms it further. 

You can’t help but watch intently as he removes his face mask so the cat can see him, and you giggle when you see him mouth something to the cat, to which the cat meows. 

Shily, you look away and down at your coffee. Min Yoongi makes it very easy for you to get away from yourself. To let your thoughts stray to places you don’t often let them drift towards. To question every little reaction you have to him. You know Yoongi is attractive, and any person you ask would agree, but what you mean is different. Yoongi is attractive to you, something you can’t say happens often. Still, you know that isn’t something to act on. Min Yoongi has no idea you find him attractive and is best he doesn’t. 

He doesn’t make it very easy though, as every time he tries to compliment you it makes you freeze up. Is he being nice? Or does he really find you attractive? And if he does, then what? It’s not like you can do anything about it. 

Of course you’re not unfamiliar with pleasing that side of yourself when it demands so, but this is different. He’s your neighbor and friend. If you got involved in that way, and he expected more and you couldn’t give him that? Worse, what if you found yourself feeling more for him and he didn’t? Romantic feelings don’t come easily to you, and you’d much rather ignore them than be hurt by disappointment if they were to be rejected. That’s if they even developed suddenly. 

Suddenly… would they be sudden? You have known Yoongi for a while, but you couldn’t say you’re even close friends yet. Are you?

You shake your head. “You always do this,” you mutter to yourself before taking a bite of the pastry. 

It’s so easy for you to get ahead of yourself daydreaming, imagine something growing bigger and more complex than it is, especially with relationships of any kind. Sure, it’s been about three years since you found yourself attracted to someone physically, but you have to keep reminding yourself how that ended. They wanted more and you just never… got there. You were never able to reciprocate romantic feelings. 

Not to mention when you have had feelings for someone they weren’t too happy about your… often plagued disinterest in sex of any kind. You can’t ever win, can you? 

Again, you shake your head. This is why you can’t get carried away with Min Yoongi, you can’t complicate things. He’s your friend, and your friend he should remain. 

Speaking of the devil. 

Your phone dings with his tone and you can’t help but smile at finding a text from him. 

Yoongi Oppa

5:35pm 

Hey neighbor… Ordered some food and they accidentally gave me braised tofu. Come get some. 

You can’t help but laugh, and feel a warmth move through you at the realization that Yoongi seems to accidentally have vegetarian food a lot of the time. For someone who loves meat he’s sure found himself in quite some predicaments lately. 

You

How exactly are you accidentally given braised tofu? 

Yoongi 

🤷🏻‍♂️ I don’t know. Maybe the same way they accidentally gave me sweet crispy mushrooms. 

You

Oh wow, maybe you should complain 🫢

Yoongi

Maybe I should 🤔 i think it’s their fault there’s some vegan kimchi and cucumber salad in my fridge… 

You have to pause and place your phone down so you can contain yourself. You don’t know if to laugh or be overwhelmed by his kindness. You feel an emotion you haven’t felt in a long time move over you, and it makes your eyes prickle with tears. It’s been a long time since someone took care of you like that. Even Seokjin wouldn’t go out of his way that much. He'll happily make you food if you ask, but Min Yoongi doesn’t wait to be asked. He doesn’t even want to be acknowledged when he does something for someone, which in turn makes you unsure of how to act. 

Should you point it out and say thank you? Tell him he doesn’t have to do this all the time? That will only make him bashful and brush it off like nothing, act like it’s an inconvenience, when in truth, he’s going out of his way to please his friends every time. 

You

Yoongi-yah… 

Yoongi 

👀 hu??? 

Come over and get your food already. Or I’m gonna throw it out. 

You laugh again, but wipe away a stray tear. 

You

:( I’m working at a cafe right now. 

Think you can save it for me, please oppa? 

Yoongi 

Fine 🙄. 

Don’t eat too many sweets without eating a proper meal. 

You

I won’t… 

Don’t be too cooped up in your room ☺️. 

Yoongi

I haven’t been! 

I went out and even saw a cat today! I swear. 

You 

Bokshil? Did he finally let you see him? 

Yoongi

No! I saw an actual friendly cat. 

You

Hey! Bokshil is nice! 

I’m starting to believe no cat will approach you.

Yoongi

Not fair, just cause your cat doesn’t trust me doesn’t mean other cats don’t 🤧

You

I’m joking, he just needs to get used to you being present more… 

But I believe you about the cat 🤣 . 

Yoongi

Good, cause I’m not lying. He was cute and small. 

As for Bokshil, he needs to get used to me soon, I’m not going anywhere. And I’m quite fond of his human. 

You stop again, taking in his words and surprising yourself by the visceral reaction. It’s like your heart stopped for a second to take in his comment. You even had to place your phone down on the table and take a long sip from the half-empty glass. You take an aggressive bite from the pastry and swallow. 

He’s just being nice. He’s being friendly. Yoongi has gone out of his way to not push his comments or compliments because he noticed you get uncomfortable. He’s observant, and considerate, you know that much. 

You

He will… he tends to warm up to people I’m fond of. 

You close the app, lock your phone, and turn back to your laptop, hoping Yoongi doesn’t read into it something he shouldn’t. Your words are honest though, you are fond of him, and he’s slowly becoming a special dear friend to you. You want Bokshil to like him. 

After deciding it would be best to place your phone in the tote bag you carry, you get back to work.

.

.

.

Continue reading here.

[quibbs126]

Hi, I’m sorry if this isn’t any help, but do you know why you’re avoiding the real world so much? Berating yourself won’t help. If you wanna solve a problem u gotta find the root cause and take steps from that cause.

Well if I had to take a guess

Real world issues, or at least the ones I consider significant, always stress me out greatly, and I feel like I have an avoidant take when it comes to things that stress me out; namely, that I try to avoid them until they go away. Unfortunately, that’s a lot of things when it comes to the real world. Doesn’t help I’m a raging procrastinator

Unfortunately this can happen the other way around and I can miss opportunities because I simply choose not to act on something. And I recognize that waiting around probably makes situations worse, but for me, that’s just how I do thing, and I think the problem will just solve itself, so I should just ignore it

And not to mention, I basically know nothing about the real world, and how I’m supposed to interact with it. I’m 20, but I don’t feel like an adult, I think that’s still to come later after I’m done with school; I still have the mind of a teenager, if not younger. I don’t even have much of a concept of money. Talk about anything in the 1000s or higher and you’ve lost me on the specifics of how expensive that is, other than it’s expensive; $10,000 and $100,000 mean the same thing to me, other than $100,000 being ten times more. I don’t understand taxes or salaries or mortgages. I don’t understand what’s a good salary or not, so long as it’s money. I don’t understand how you’re supposed to interact with other people. I don’t even know what size pants I wear, because I don’t buy my clothes, my parents do. They take care of pretty much everything, and thus I don’t know much of anything, that’s adult stuff

And I’m well aware that I don’t know anything, and I know that you shouldn’t try and deal with areas you’re unfamiliar with, so I don’t bother with all of that, especially not without consulting my parents. I wouldn’t even make appointments for things about school without asking them when’s best or telling them that I’m doing so

I don’t want to be so reliant on them, but the reality is that I am, and that’s not gonna change anytime soon, especially not if I end up taking online schooling and I have to live with them full time again. I like my freedom to go outside for a random walk whenever, and to eat what I want and buy what I want, even if 90% of those expenditures is just food

I’m well aware that I’m incredibly sheltered. One time in college I had someone genuinely think that I was homeschooled, when in reality I’ve been publicly schooled all my life, and I went to pre-school for years before that. But I have so little an understanding of the world and the people in it that I don’t blame her for thinking that

Not to mention, I just don’t understand real consequences. They aren’t a thing in my mind. My family’s never really had to struggle, at least not to a point I’m aware, and I’ve never been punished that bad. I think my worst ever punishment is getting yelled at, and have my video games taken away until a certain point or until I do the thing I got yelled at for not doing. And so in my mind’s eye, that’s the worst that can happen, that I get reprimanded for my own actions/inaction and life continues. I mean, part of that is because I’ve never done something that bad, but still. I don’t have a concept of the consequences of failing college or not getting a degree. My parents do, since neither of them went to college, hence why they want me to, but I don’t. I don’t understand what it’s like to be poor or homeless, or how bad a minimum wage job is or not being able to pay bills. I’ve never experienced them or anything remotely similar, so I just don’t understand that these concepts exist. It’s like a video game to me, the stakes aren’t really there. And that’s not to say I want those things to happen to me, far from it, but in my head they’re more like fictional concepts. So I don’t see much point to them. I know they’re important, but only because someone tells me they are

The real world leaves me scared and stressed, and I don’t know the first thing about it. I don’t know what’s reliable information about it and what isn’t, because people will lie or just not know. And because I don’t want to make a fool of myself and I just end up getting stressed out, I avoid it and instead turn to shows, video games, drawing and fandoms

In a video game, they don’t expect you to know everything right out of the gate, and they’ll tell you. There’s no consequences to asking questions to things you don’t understand, and they’re usually not too difficult of concepts to understand in the first place. And games usually are pretty good at telling you what you need to do and giving you the knowledge to do so, I don’t have to do a lot of guesswork as to what I’m supposed to do or how to approach a situation, and if I do, then that’s usually a consequence of bad game design. And you have to rely on your own knowledge to progress, and I feel accomplishment when I do something right, and the game rewards me in some way too

And drawing is the only real world skill I have, and I’m proud of myself when it turns out good. It’s an actual skill I’ve cultivated myself and continue to cultivate, even if I forget to draw a lot or have trouble figuring it out sometimes. And it’s something I can show the world. Not much to anyone in the real world, especially not my family since I doubt they’re interested in my fanart, but I can at least show them to the Internet

And while fandom isn’t the nicest place to be, interacting on these spaces requires knowledge that I actually have and am interested in, and people actually will listen to what I say, and sometimes even agree with me. It’s one of the only places I feel an iota of smartness, even if I can’t be that analytical because my brain isn’t like that naturally and tends to see very surface level things, or deeper things I just can’t express in words

And just all in all, those things make me happy. Yeah I feel guilt at night that I favor those things instead of dealing with real world stuff, but they’re all I know and have

At least I think that’s part of the reason why. I don’t know for sure and I don’t know if I worded it all correctly

[bytmm]

001

I’ve gotten fired before, multiple times, actually. Taught me a lot about myself. Taught me so much that I found the job I’m here to talk about.

2020 was a crazy time, COVID changed the world. That year I turned 30, spent it alone watching Man Utd play Leicester in my parents house, they won 2-0 but after the match, I knew things had to change. I couldn’t keep living the way I did.

A year later, I got THE job of a lifetime or so I thought. I got the opportunity to work in football, developing a major corporation’s voice and tone as they foraged into the crazy world of football. 3 and half years later, multi million followers later and a ton of viral moments, I’m on the outside looking in, again. I got laid off.

I love football/soccer, ask anyone who knows me, that sport means everything and then some. It’s all I’ve known aside from my family, it’s been with me since I could crawl.

I’m grateful for my previous employer. They gave me a look into something I never thought of doing but something I should’ve done in middle school, take steps to work in football.

Getting laid off, let’s go there. I’ll never forget February 13, 2024. Day before Valentine’s Day, I felt like Ralph Wigum when Lisa broke his heart. I knew something was off that day and getting that zoom invite that I was part of “budget cuts,” yeah that hurt.

My mind replays it daily, I constantly think what could I have done to keep my job, was I that bad, did I deserve it? Then the negativity starts to take over like Venom’s mask. 

This isn’t something that I ever thought I’d share. Just thoughts to myself and my friends. Throughout these few years, I’ve alienated and lost a few great ones partly because of my lack of communication, my ego, and my inability to express myself. I’m sorry to everyone and anyone who I have hurt in these last 4 years, I can only ask for forgiveness and try to be better than yesterday.

That’s neither here nor there. Getting laid off sucks. It comes in waves, 4 months in and I’m still reeling.

Applying for this job, that job, taking this project, that project and you’re still treading water. Barely surviving.

You try to network, you try to ask for help, you try to pray but nothing changes… in fact things are getting worse.

What does one do when you’ve reached your wits end? You don’t come from money but you need it, badly. 

I only wrote this because someone else might be going through something similar, on your 300th job app, your 1000th resume review, another cover letter, another recruiter ghosting, another LinkedIn message ignored.

I get it. Everyone has their own shit, you don’t want to burden anyone so you just stay silent.

I get it. I live it.

No words can ease the pain, stress and downright embarrassment of joblessness, despite all of your efforts to try and find work, find community, there's nothing and it sucks.

All I can say is, keep fighting. One footstep at a time, babies learn to walk by falling and hurting themselves. Keep trying to walk despite the pain.

I don’t know what the future holds for me, I want to work in football, I want to tell stories that matter for the liblack boys and girls who love football. I want to speak to and for a community that doesn’t see themselves in spaces other than the pitch.

Being a creative person is a gift and oftentimes it feels more like a curse. Maybe I should have gone to law school, maybe I should’ve studied tech and learned to code. Might’ve been miserable but at least the bills would’ve been paid.

I say this with love, whoever reads this, thank you for your time and reading my thoughts.

I wish the best for you and yours.

Keep fighting and chasing your dreams. ❤️

[mylittlebeliefs]

I’ve been seeing so many posts and opinions about the topic of DIVORCE. Some with the thought of being pro-divorce and some with the thought of anti-divorce. Reading through some of it, I understand both parties. I genuinely do. 

When it comes to the pro-divorce, most (if not all) of their arguments are about the fact that there are people in an abusive marriage, may it be physical or verbal (mental and emotional pain). Which I personally understand (no I’m not in an abusive relationship haha) not because I’ve been in one but because this does not only apply to marriage. Abusive relationships are not only for romantic setup but also for friendship, and family relationships. That there are times we tend to be with people who are not aware that they are hurting those people around them. But the difference between marriage and other relationships is that marriage doesn’t have an “ emergency exit.” That if mentally and/or physically you're beaten you can get out. I think that’s one of the main reasons why people are leaning towards to Pro-Divorce. 

I’ve seen some arguments of people who are anti-divorce, and while most (if not all) are true, we have to understand that it will not apply to all. I don’t want to dive deep on why, even if I understand the points of Pro-Divorce, I’m still Anti-Divorce. Before you stop reading because of my stand, I hope you understand first where I’m coming from. I hope you are open minded when it comes to these sensitive topics. 

Going back to my thought process, I pray that whoever continues to read this will understand that Catholic Marriage is not meant just for you and your fiance. It’s not a family event or a gathering to celebrate a new stepping stone that is all about you and your partner. CATHOLIC MARRIAGE is sacred and that it mirrors the mutual commitment between God and his people. I will not explain it thoroughly on what it means but if you do want to know more about it I suggest you read this: https://www.facebook.com/photo?fbid=1006068997544077&set=a.325521928932124 because it helped me understand what Catholic Marriage means. I believe that there are people who may not know that.

I believe that a lot of people decide based on feelings, and I hope you agree on that. Can you imagine the better decisions that could have been if we didn’t decide when we were angry, or when we were in a blissful state? Could I have decided to be more logical? To think about whatever my decisions are, it will not only benefit me but also those people that surround me. That whatever my decisions are, it will lessen the pain that everyone involved feels. Understanding this we also need to internalize and learn the real reasons for things. So pretend “why do I need to go to school or work?” If all our decisions were made based on feelings, some will just think that we don’t need school, that it bores me, or that work is just so stressful I don’t want to do it. But learning what it truly means you’ll realize that school was made for you to learn, to understand things better, while work is needed because for most of us, to provide. I hope you understand that it goes the same way for marriage. That marriage has a purpose, not just for when you’re blissful and in love. When you understand this you’ll have more logical decisions about most things. This also prevents things from going bad to worse. It can save so many people from pain that they don’t deserve. I personally believe that prevention is better than cure. 

Going back to the thought process of the Pro-Divorce, you might be thinking “So, what happens to those people who are already in an abusive marriage? They don’t have any say or they can’t do anything because they didn’t prevent bad things from happening?” Correct me if I’m wrong that the law of annulment was passed for this. That this law was sort of the “cure” but if I am wrong and that is not a good option please know that Divorce or Annulment are not the only options here. I read from my past pastoral leader that there are people in church who are willing to help, BUT I hope you don’t get the mindset of “Oh so you think if something’s wrong or you think is wrong we should just go to church and be forced to understand and forced to believe what you believe in, and that will solve everything?” I can personally testify that, that is not what Jesus or even God wants. First of all, we should know that God didn’t create us like robots that will just do whatever He says or just love Him. Even you know that, because if God is what you perceive as a “Controlling God” or “A Selfish God” then why do we still have the freedom to choose? God didn’t make us to be FORCED to love Him. This is another topic I think is too deep for me to thoroughly explain but that’s the easiest way for me to explain my point. That no one should force anyone to do anything. So yes there will be Catholics (or even in other religions) that will tell you things about when you don’t follow God you’ll be punished, which is another way to FORCE people to believe in what you believe in. So for those people who have this thought process of forcing people to believe and understand what you believe in, I personally want to tell you that it’s wrong. That even Jesus gave all His followers an option to follow Him or not. There is an account where one rich person couldn’t follow Jesus fully and just left, and still Jesus didn’t force him to follow Him. I think that’s one of the things we as Catholics should also understand. That people have different mindsets and perspectives. That you shouldn’t force your beliefs because first you don’t know what they’ve been through. You haven’t walked in their shoes, and even if you do try to they’ll be thousands of miles away from where they started. Basically no one will understand fully why other people do what they do. But that doesn’t mean to just let them be. To not help them because they have different thought process from you. You know how Jesus is and how God is. Be compassionate, be empathetic, try to understand, just listen and comprehend. That as Catholics we should know that we’re not only here to spread the good news but to live it. It’s not good for anyone (especially yourself growth) if you just keep preaching but you don’t walk the talk.

Going back to what I really want to point out is that, even if you don’t feel that a religious person can help you (because maybe you feel that they won’t understand or you tried and they really don’t and goes back to forcing you into believing in what they believe instead of helping you out of the problem), you can still go to professionals or even just a friend that you know would genuinely understand and help you, even if they don’t know how to. People who willingly want to help out others will go out of their way to do so. 

That is all that I want to say for now. I know it’s a long read but I hope you understand and got something out of it. If you feel like you personally need help with anything (not just divorce haha), or even just talk about random things, I’m here. I might not always be checking up on you but know that it helps me to know that the people I surround myself with (like you because you got to read this) are also the people I want to be there for. 

[luvrxbunny]

okay i’m sad so ignore this if u want

tw: sad feelings, feelings of worthlessness, some bad mouthing of my mother

i never feel worse than when my family- specifically my mother- believes in me too much

like for example i have some issues and i don’t handle certain things super well, for example; i had math howework tonight and literally had a multiple shutdowns over it cus it was stressing me tf out

so i told my mother that i’m really not cut out for his college thing and she proceeded to tell me that i’d feel better if i had more classes… i explain that my classes are the problem, that i’m just not built for all this stress and she continues to tell me that i’m only stressing because i don’t have enough things to do…?

so i think she thinks my brain is going dormant in between my schooling days and if my days were more filled then my brain wouldn’t go to sleep and i wouldn’t struggle in school- when the truth is that im just not good with traditional schooling. my brain doesn’t fit into the way they teach, along with various other problems. but she thinks it’s a non factor, like i just need exposure therapy or something

and i’ll try to explain myself to her, to tell her that i don’t handle stress well enough, that i just don’t really thrive in this kind of environment but she thinks it’s self-deprecating talk and just tells me im wrong or something.

it’s just really annoying cus she’ll keep pushing me to do something i cannot do, thinking that she’s just giving me motivation, that she’s helping me reach my full potential or something. it makes me feel like im not enough, like im dumb or that there’s something wrong with me.

and i hate even more that she can control my emotions like this. that i’m literally crying about something she sees no problem with..

anyways.. if u read all this im actually in love with you and you know more of my feelings than my closest friends or family so u should feel very special 🫶🏾

you’re very special to me <3

[motownfiction]

canoe

It happens at work, on a Wednesday, in the middle of the afternoon.

Daniel’s in the office, going over some paperwork, when he starts to feel his personality lifting out of his body. His heart beats faster than ever before, the words in his mind slur, and all he can think is dead, dead, hospital, dead.

His secretary calls him an ambulance, and Daniel goes to a hospital. But he doesn’t die.

Why doesn’t he die?

He tells the doctor he’s pretty sure it was a heart attack. The doctor kindly tells him no, that’s not what happened, and actually, he should be pretty proud of his heart. He’s probably in better shape today, at thirty-nine, than he was when he was nineteen.

The doctor says it was a panic attack. Daniel isn’t sure how that’s possible. All he was doing was paperwork, and everything at home is fine. The kids are fine. Sadie is fine. After years of strange and sticky mourning, they’re finally coming around to what the world looks like without Sam. The doctor asks if there’s anything else going on, to go beneath the surface, to see what else is there.

“Well,” Daniel says, “my brother-in-law – he used to be my best friend – he just had a baby with a woman he’s not married to.”

The doctor makes a face.

“Is that stressing you out?” she asks.

“Usually, it wouldn’t,” Daniel says, almost a lightness in his voice, which hurts. “It’s just that he had a baby with his wife, too. On the same day.”

The doctor is having a very hard time keeping her eyes in their sockets.

“Mmm-hmm,” she says, and Daniel can only imagine what episode of Days of Our Lives is playing out in her imagination right now.

“And the other woman,” he says, “she’s my wife’s goddaughter. Just turned twenty-one. We were all here, at this hospital, on the day she was born. Now, she’s got a kid, and my brother-in-law made it happen. Fucking weird.”

He laughs, but his throat hurts. Why does his throat hurt? He didn’t notice before.

“Mr. DeLuca,” the doctor says, “that’s an incredible stressor for a family to go through, especially after what you told me about your other brother-in-law’s death.”

Daniel nods.

“Yeah,” he says. “I keep … I keep wanting to go up to New York and meet the baby. She’s about six or seven weeks old now. Hard to keep track. My wife, she’s already been up there, but … every time I think about going up, I just … God, I can’t.”

The doctor takes a seat across from him, a little like Sadie when she meets with kids at school.

“I’m not a psychiatrist,” the doctor says, “but what you’re describing … I can imagine it brings you a lot of anxiety. Being in the middle of it.”

Daniel laughs, hollow as can be.

“Yeah,” he says. “I try not to think about it, but it just … it keeps coming up even when I don’t notice it. I can’t look at any of my friends the same way. It’s not their fault. It’s not the baby’s fault. But I … you know, sometimes I think it might be my fault.”

“How so?”

“Charlie – that’s my brother-in-law – he used to be my best friend. Ever since we were in high school. He used to look up to me, and I used to tell him how to get by. But then … then he moved, and I stopped being able to keep tabs on him. And I think he liked it that way because he went out and did a bunch of things I never would have … I mean, if I’d known he was going to go after that girl …”

Daniel stops himself before he cries. He does that all the time now. He just makes sure that he’s alone, so no one notices.

“I could write you a referral to a psychologist, or a psychiatrist, someone, if you want,” the doctor says. “But for now … when you start to feel the way you did today, can you do me a favor?”

Daniel shrugs.

“I can try.”

“When you start to feel upset … or worse, like you did today … I want you to picture yourself as a canoe. Just there, in the water, right underneath the sun. I want you to picture yourself floating along the waves. Gentle. Not in control. Just … going along.”

A canoe. Daniel could laugh, but he doesn’t want his throat to hurt again. He thinks about how he always wanted to go canoeing with his father, which never happened. Frank probably didn’t even know how to spell canoe. But can he picture himself as one? Sure. He can try.

He closes his eyes and lets his limbs turn into plastic … lets the sound of heart monitors and rushing wheels turn into seagulls’ caws and gentle waves. He reaches deeper into the image, and he can hear the music, just like Sam would have told him to do.

Sittin’ in the morning sun / I’ll be sittin’ when the evening comes …

Maybe, for a moment, it works.

Maybe, for a moment, all Daniel DeLuca has to be is a canoe.

(part of @nosebleedclub july challenge -- day xxvi! i am flying through the old, i promise)

[calypso-finale]

Hundred Eighteen.

I am glad to be back home, that Iceland trip wasn’t something I enjoyed because it wasn’t for good vibes, it was more to do with helping Oakley, which to me was draining because I was always on edge, so I am glad to be home, back in my bed and got some actual rest. I even went to the spa, but I couldn’t physically rest, my mind was more on what is he doing more than anything “welcome back whore” looking behind me and I just laughed seeing Ti “bitch, you went missing on me” making my way over to her, giving her the biggest hug “how are you? It’s good to see you back, positive vibes only? I hope” I squeezed her and moved back from the hug “I am much more rested now being back home because I am telling you something, Iceland was nice, but I couldn’t enjoy it at all, I was stressed about him. And I feel so bad, you never updated me about the family meal with your new in laws” Ti snorted laughing “shut up, I even got her number too!” I gasped “already? Wow, you’re quicker than me. But please, tell me about Oakley. How is he? Is he well now. I am guessing he is because you wouldn’t be here if so” Ti sat on my bed “well I told him about the woman in Spain” her face dropped “you just went in full throttle?” I shrugged “I realised he doesn’t care about him but more with what he saw, and he was upset about it, he did get a little mad. He went away, came back and just said he isn’t shocked because his dad wasn’t or isn’t a good person. But then I think things took a turn when I told him I am off contraception, he was like oh really? Then he peeped that I am serious, that I am wanting a family, he was more like I am ok, I just need to get back. The next morning he woke up smiling, and I goes what, he said I am done, you actually stopped contraception, you believe in me. He just switched, you want a family, like my aim is you Rylee. So I think that took the turn he needed, then I said look I can’t be chasing you around like this if this is what you want. So yeah. I think he’s ok, he’s just called me and said he’s ok, and am I ok, do I forgive him for what happened. I’m like look it’s not a bad thing, you just got burdened, that’s it. But yeah, I think hopefully he should be ok, but he refuses to move back in still” I huffed out “well he told you that he will become complacent, he’s right. Just let him, trust him. I pray he is ok now, but before I tell you about my time, I need to tell you about Aziel” I side eyed her “what did he do now? Grace said he was good” Ti laughed “yeah she got the end of it!” She spat; I wonder what he’s done now.

“Aziel genuinely put me off having kids, when you left this house I told you. He had a meltdown, like he was full on crying and just on the ground just screaming and Grace had more patience but like he calmed down but then he had a temperature, made himself unwell. But he did say he saw you and Oakley leave together and he felt like he was left behind, which I understood why he felt so upset but he misses his dad like mad, I think he feels neglected by him and then you left, and he felt even worse, it was a lot for him. I get it but he was naughty, he is hard work” she laughed “oh they are worse when they are older, I see it now. I miss that baby Aziel and when he was just starting to walk but now he’s full of feelings and opinions but he is needing Oakley a lot, like even now he’s not here, so you need to deal with that but in school Aziel did something very bad, now I don’t want you to blow up about it but maybe tell him that you know because he has been good after that and he apologised to the child and I also paid for the glasses” my face dropped “now what the fuck Ti” I spat “just relax, like that my baby too and I don’t want you to blow up on him because you and Oakley are going through things but so is Aziel. So at school there is a child with special needs, when you see the kid you can notice but he spat at him, now I am not sure if that was a mistake, maybe was. Aziel then hit him, well attacked him and then even broke his glasses, that child couldn’t see the whole school day but then his mom came and gave him glasses, but then I felt bad and said I will pay for a new pair, which I did but yeah. He did bad, that boy mother was so cute she was like saying they are children leave it” my mouth is fully open “but Rylee please, do not punish him, you need to talk to him. Please, because you wasn’t there initially for it and it’s not right, I have dealt with that on my side so please, for my baby sake, just talk to him when you can” I am so shocked “he is such a bastard child! What the fuck, Ti. Why didn’t you say to me” she shook her head “because what difference would it make telling you? Just please be easy on him” I am so mad.

How shameful is he “can you relax?” she is telling me to relax “but the teacher does want to speak to you when you are back” I groaned out “but you and Oakley need to fix yourselves, and you know he is missing Oakley, he needs to step up. What is that man doing, I get it he is going through something but come on, he just wants his dad. He loved Damson, I sent that video to you. Please, please, please! Do not be mad with him, let it out now” I sighed out “ok” I just said, “I wish you said it” I added “what use would it be!” she spat “I sorted it out, but look just fucking be kind. Think how he is feeling too, he did start behaving himself remember” she has a point but why the fuck did he have to do that “well you could have told me beforehand as I kindly said after school he could go to Jordan home because I have the baby shower to go too anyways, it’s fine. I guess you are right but if I was here and that happened, that slap would have been nasty” Ti is not impressed “not my baby!” I kissed my teeth “your baby? Oh please” Ti grinned “he is cute when he wants to be but just think about it ok so you’re going to see Halle, you even got invited to that?” I shrugged “well she went missing on me, I never went missing on her really, but we still friends like she said. So yeah, I am going there but I am only ten percent sure Oakley will come so I will be alone, he is just being dense like he says to me, he said I am being dense, but he is the one that won’t come or whatever, stubborn man” I can’t beg him anymore to come “that is Oakley for you, you want me to come?” I cooed out “Ti, that is cute but no. I want you to just spend time with you and yours” I winked at her “well when snowfall comes out, the new season bitch you better be red carpet ready” I giggled “bitch I will be the first one on there but tell me, how was things with you and Damson” there is always some sort of drama in my life, she clasped her hands together, my sister is really smiling for the gods.

“So let me review the meal, it went so well. So much laughter and joy, it was like I belonged there. His family accepted me as their own, when I got there his mother hugged me, it was like I have known them my whole life and his mom said I remember when Rihanna had you, I seen you grow up. Damson said, wait, why are you acting like I am some forty year old pervert, but it was just sweet. I felt so wanted and then his mother gave me her number and said you’re like a daughter to me, it was vibes. I helped in the kitchen to tidy, and Damson goes oh you showing you can be wife. But yeah, I am happy, his mother texts me now and then, sends me TikTok’s, religious ones” I laughed “oh shit, wow. So it went that well, awww Tianna I am happy for you, I always imagined myself in a black family, like our own but with more joy. I am jealous, so it was all vibes I bet?” Ti nodded her head “she sends me blessings; I love it and then I was feeling like shit a few days ago. Aziel was hard work like I am saying to him I ain’t having no damn child, this child is hell. Then he came, my ovaries collapsed, I am like I have to give this man one when we are ready. Aziel little face when he was explaining about his dad, then they was singing, and it was just fun for him. Aziel I noticed is a boys boy, he rather hang with the gang then a bunch of girls, but things are good, I am happy Rylee” she beamed “I have smiled throughout that shit, man I am so happy for you. I need Oakley to find me one, ASAP” Ti laughed out “bitch, that man ain’t doing anything but you told him that dad is after him?” I shook my head “no, it seems like a him problem. But I will give you Oakley new number, you never know you might need him or something” he can chase “I side eyed the fuck out of Imani, you see her posting up on Majesty snap? Like girl stop acting like you like these people, you bored” I am annoyed with that “mom said she would be caged, that is a lie” I shrugged “you know what, that is their problem. We good over here, fuck that” I spat.

Halle did say wear white, so I am obeying because they don’t know the sex of the baby at all so I can’t be wearing blue or pink, I did text Oakley and he just put nothing, he read it, but I am not going to force him to come to somewhere he don’t want to be, but I have said it to him “my girl!” Halle spat; oh she is big “wow!” I said as I froze “my god, you are big. You ready to pop” she did a little dance walking over to me “oh my god, I have missed you bitch” she hugged me close, I have missed her too, but she is the one that went silent “you look so well, thank you” Wyge took the gift from me, wrapping my arms around “Rylee no matter what I have so much love for you, I needed to be silent with both you and Lillian because I wasn’t in a good place. I didn’t want to take it out on you both as I was, I had to do it. But I love you both so much, and to see you both here. I am crying” I cooed out “don’t cry, just that I missed you and I was wanting to be there for you, but I know that you needed that moment, you needed that time” moving back from the hug “no don’t cry, you look so beautiful. You are glowing, I have missed you so much, Lillian!” she is here already “white gang, hey!” I think it’s only us wearing white “doesn’t she look so good” hugging Lillian “bitch is glowing, least she is calm. I missed your face” I cooed out “where is Aziel?” Halle asked “I asked him to come” I pulled a face, as I moved back from the hug “girl what? You want me to not have a good time, even though he may be shy with you all, this place is cute!” she really did it up “yes and you don’t mind being on the camera and stuff, just for memories” I waved Halle off “I don’t mind at all, I missed you girls so much. I am happy that you are in a better place in your heart” holding both Halle and Lillian hand “same” Lillian added “and that Wyge is still here” I said, Wyge is stood silently “oh yeah” he laughed “you good” he said to me “I am, nice to see you” it’s been a while “can tell you have been hiding, you gained” Wyge blushed hiding his face “a settled man” Halle added “you right really, where is Diji?” Lillian pointed “oh of course he is eating” he is bopping his head and just eating.

Such a beautiful theme, just the neutral colours are hitting. I think it’s cute to not know the gender really “you ever stop eating?” Diji didn’t know if to get up or not, he is just making sure his plate is secured “my bad” I waved him off “sit” I laughed “he said this plate is for me, he is a lie” Lillian swatted him “oh nah, I missed you Rylee. How are you friend, I peeped you was in Iceland” I laughed “oh god yeah, it was just a quick trip” looking at these girls coming over, they look like Halle family members “can we have a picture with you” I pointe at myself “me?” I laughed “yes! We all literally follow you, you’re amazing” I laughed “but me, but sure” they look like teenage girls really “oh thank you” Lillian is laughing, I hate this kind of thing, it’s not me. It’s more my mother “where do you want me, middle?” they all laughed “yes” they cute “and who is this cute little one, look at her” waving at her, she is just dancing around “stop dancing!” I think her sister shouted, “let me pick her up, will she?” I asked “yes!” I opened my arms, and she came to me “awww, she is so precious. Look at her” I looked at Lillain “you need to have a daughter!” Lillian spat, I sighed out “I need one, hey baby. You are so precious. Ugh! Shall we do some poses” I want a daughter so bad “sorry” shuffling to the group “you going to look at the camera” I pointed, she is touching my necklace but then looked to where I am pointing “I have taken a video and a few pictures” oh not a videos “thank you Rylee” the girls said “I am taking this one home” I pointed but then put her down “I need a you in my life” she waved to me “awww, I do” I stood up, I sighed out because knowing my luck I will be drowned in boys. I grinned looking away from the little girl running away and then seeing the only man in this place to wear what he wears, tech fleece will be my stress for the rest of my life, but he isn’t here for anything, the way he is walking and looking, let me go and see him. Making my way over, he is just going past everyone and then he saw me, he smiled which made me smile “you came” he shrugged “for you init” wrapping my arms around him “I wasn’t dressing up for this, it ain’t my baby shower” he is stubborn “but you came” I said “for you” I sighed out.

I am shocked he came, like I only gave him ten percent that he would come but he did and for me “thank you for coming” he doesn’t look impressed, but he came “I didn’t want too really” placing my arm around his neck “I know, you come here like this. You’re a pain really, you create more attention to you, did you say hi to anyone or just walk in” I know he just walked in “find you, that’s it for me” I smirked “of course, well let’s get you a drink” he frowned “how long is this on for, you look good you know. I like this dress” I cooed out moving away from him, grabbing his hand “thank you, that means a lot. Shame you don’t like the comply” this man is in a whole tech fleece with the jacket open and a wife beater, like is he serious. I don’t care anyways but he is just causing attention to himself “what is that you got?” He asked “it’s a cocktail, no mock tail this time. Try it” I offered, he smiled at me “nah, I don’t want booze related, water for me please and thank you” grabbing the water bottle for him “you want food?” He is being dense “ok how about we sit, make you less this way. You say I am dense, well it’s on you now” he took the water bottle from me “I’m not, just being here” walking off, I want to sit with Lillian but for a moment I won’t with him, feeling his hand on just above my butt as he followed me along “clingy, clingy now” I laughed “got to be” I reached behind me and grabbed his hand as we sat down “if you was going to be miserable you shouldn’t have come” placing my drink on the table “I am not miserable, you sent that text to me. You literally said, no. Don’t laugh” I looked away from him “you said, well I am going to the baby shower alone and I will be alone because you refuse to be nice and be with me, you make me sad. I am wearing white, my face and body looking amazing, but I will have nobody because of you, but it’s ok Oakley. You have fun. And then I come here and you’re with Lillian” looking at him trying to not laugh “I was being dramatic, stop airing me out” how annoying “I am not miserable, I just came from my mom house and came here. How I am, ok tell me this, are you happy I am here” nodding my head “of course I am, you made me happy because you showed up. You care” I smiled “that’s all that matters then” he came for me; I can’t be mad.

It’s so annoying to just be acting normal and having everyone just videos, and it makes it worse now that Oakley is here “ok be nice to my friends” making my way to Lillian and Diji “and now you decide to say hi to me” Lillian said to him “I just needed to scold Lee for her weird messages” Lillian hugged him “oh that’s Rylee all over, and how are you? I am so sorry about your dad, let me squeeze you, you need it” smiling at them both, it’s cute “thank you, thank you. And yeah it’s ok” Lillian is nice as always, she is anyways “my guy” Diji dapped him “you good bro” seeing Halle and Wyge coming over “it’s good to see you though, you know it’s been so long” Oakley has been hiding that’s why “well me and Lee always splitting so you know how it is” he is annoying, walking towards Oakley knowing they are coming “look at the gang” Halle said smiling, Wyge doesn’t know where to put his face really and it’s funny “can I speak to both Rylee and Lillian, please” Halle mentioned, looking at Oakley. He’s stubborn and he won’t speak to his long-time friend which is sad, it’s happened but things have been said and I think he’s upset with him for that too “Oakley” Wyge said to him “fuck off bro” of course he did “stop” I said to Halle before she even spoke “leave them, they will handle themselves and sort it out” she likes to bark “let’s go” we walked off, I won’t get involved with that “very protective of your man aren’t you” Halle said as we walked together “that’s my baby, so yes. Is here ok?” I pointed, turning to them “perfect. So you know you both my girls, and I know I have been just elsewhere dealing with life, but I do love you girls so much. I uhm, I want to ask if you both will be godparents to my baby” my eyes widened “me?” I said “well who else bitch, I know you both will protect my baby so please do me the honour. I was supposed to do it all cute but then it ended up being this way, Wyge wants to ask Oakley but yeah, it ain’t happening but like I hope they can make it up” I cooed out “forget them, I will do so honoured to have that role” hugging her.

Smiling at Oakley, he signed the baby grow, I don’t know why they have this but it’s for memories and Oakley signed it “we have to now lock this away, can’t have you all snatching it” Halle spat. I am glad he did it because Oakley don’t want to be doing anything really “alright” Oakley moved back from the table “come” I said as we walked off “you never said what she want you for?” Letting out an oh “she wants me to be godmother” I said but Oakley didn’t say a word which made me look at him “what is it?” Clearly he is not impressed “she’s just doing it because you got money, she ain’t slick” my face dropped “don’t be so rude” that is mean “they calculated like that, Wyge asked me I told him no” I groaned out “so you both did talk” he shrugged “they just want something because then they are close to you” I frowned “whatever, now my feelings are hurt but how are you? After everything, feeling good?” Oakley looked at me smiling “optimistic Lee, I am happy. I just want to look to the future and that” he said “oh speaking of that, why aren’t you speaking to Aziel? Why aren’t you near him, talking to him, consoling him. He has been bad you know when we went away, he broke someone’s glasses and hit the boy” Oakley widened “that is crazy, damn” I said eyed him “I need to take him boxing” is he crazy “I am not joking with you, I swear to god you need to see him” Oakley chuckled “I will, promise. Just had some things I needed to do, I’ll take him out” I know he will “but it’s dealt with, Ti just said we need to talk to him which she has a point” he grinned “promise I will see him” he mumbled.

[5sosfanfictioncatalogue]

Werewolf Masterlist

And I Call It Magic (ao3) - FayeHunter Michael/Ashton, Luke/Calum T, 1k

Summary: "Last week, Ashton had casually proposed the idea of Michael meeting his friends Calum and Luke for dinner. This idea would be less scary for Michael if it wasn’t for the fact that Calum and Luke are Ashton’s pack."Michael is probably unreasonable nervous to meet Ashton's pack.

Children of The Moon (ao3) - converse_luke ot4 M, 14k

Summary: Up in the most Northern part of Maine, deep in the forest, is probably one of the best kept secrets in the world. Tucked away in a nature preserve are six packs of werewolves.

Enemy Territory (ao3) - xelated Calum/Ashton, Luke/Michael T, 2k

Summary: crossing enemy lines is dangerous business, something they should’ve known would never end well.

Howlin' at the Moon (ao3) - FayeHunter Michael/Luke E, 2k

Summary: It's a full moon and Michael and Luke are going to have some fun.

In The Middle Of The Night When The Wolves Come Out (ao3) - SilentlyFighting luke/ashton, michael/calum G, 7k

Summary: Everyone is a shifter, a werewolf, but each one shifts for the first time at different times. Some are born already able to shift, others shift during their childhood while some shift at around the same times as puberty. Luke's family, however, are unique; every member of this family have shifted at the age of 18. Well, everyone except Luke that is, who is still waiting for his chance and dreading the possibilities as he gets closer to the age of 19. When Luke finally starts to go through his shift, the boys are there for him and work together to keep him under control - especially Ashton. Luke learns new things from this experience, but it also brings him closer to some people.

Read to find out the rest.

I See It In Your Eyes (ao3) - MonsterAmongCashton (IfWallsCouldMuke) Calum/Ashton. Luke/Michael E, 14k

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i see the stars in the eyes of a vampire (ao3) - mimi_reads Michael/Calum, Luke/Ashton T, 8k

Summary: Calum is a werewolf. Michael is a vampire. Here's an insight into their relationship and the struggles that come with dating someone who's part of a different species.

The Sun Will Rise (ao3) - JetBlackSunshine T, 131k

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Unravel, Unmake Yourself (ao3) - Branithar ot4 E, 9k

Summary: Luke is getting sicker with every full moon, Ashton keeps being called to Hell, Calum is anxious about his upcoming surgeries going badly and Michael feels lucky that the worst thing happening to him is having to buy blood instead of feed exclusively from his boyfriends. The second-hand stress from everything happening to them is wearing him thin, but surely it can't get worse, can it?

why so complicated, won't you throw me a bone (ao3) - bellawritess Luke/Ashton T, 1k

Summary: Before Ashton, Luke hadn’t even known pretty werewolves existed. He hadn’t really thought a werewolf could be considered pretty. But Ashton is undeniably pretty, in a very scruffy kind of way, and from the moment he steps foot into the magic shop for the first time, roving eyes landing first on the rack of colorful candles and then onto Luke, Luke had been gone.

[roseofdarknessblog]

I just need to rant a bit about mental health, feel free to ignore and continue having a lovely day ❤️

Okay, so... I just spent the entire day feeling sick from all the anxiety that doesn't let me catch a break for days now. I can't remember the last time I slept for more than two-three hours without waking up from an awful dream. I can't focus on studying and that makes me even more anxious since my thesis defense and state exam are on Monday. I know nothing, literally nothing... like I look at the questions and read through my notes and it feels like I've never seen them before (which is definitely not true).

And when I tried to talk to the only two people in my life I trust enough to tell them when my anxiety is this bad... they just brushed me off? Like okay, I know it's not a big deal for YOU, but I'm feeling like I am about to die from all that stress. Even my meds decided to give up on me and aren't helping anymore.

I know that feeling like this is my fault, I am the one making this unnecessary hard for myself, but I just can't stop. Can't shut up my thought. It's like... I know that if I fail, it's not the end of the world, nobody is going to die because of it, my whole future doesn't depend solely on this and I can try again in August. But at the same time, my anxiety is here screaming at me that if I don't pass the exam now everything is doomed and I will just embarrass myself in front of my professors, classmates and family.

And I just... I can't do this anymore. I don't want to. I never thought that my five years at uni would mentally destroy me this much. So many bad things happened (in school and in my personal life as well) and I've never felt worse than these past five years. I miss the old me, who almost always had straight A's, who was top of the class in many subjects and who was able to study and focus for hours. I miss that version of me, who had many big dreams for the future and somehow I feel sorry for the girl I once was because I know I failed her in so many ways.

So... yeah... I'll just leave this here for the future me. I hope one day I can look back at this post and just shake my head with a smile. But right now it really doesn't feel like anything is going to be okay ever again.

[pissfizz]

okay well now that you mentioned it i am Also very curious on your thoughts on their parenting (esp ena since you already mentioned it)

Ok WELL. let’s start with ena since that’s who I’ve already brought up lol

Since I already find myself so incredibly similar to her it’s kind of easy to see where her faults would be, since they’re the same as mine. I say this with love, but ena is vain, selfish, and self centered. I’m not saying that someone with these traits can’t be a good parent, but it is very very difficult. She thinks about herself a lot, which can be hard on a kid that just wants their moms attention all the time. Also, she is incredibly easily annoyed, which, in my experience, doesn’t tend to fare well with children. I’m sure by the time she’s the age of having a kid, she’ll have grown, but these are still intrinsic parts of her, and in Naomi’s early years, I think she’d still be struggling a lot with them. They would be hard on Naomi, especially with how easily annoyed she is. But don’t get me wrong, she definitely still loves Naomi with every bit of her being, and honestly something tells me she’d accidentally become a little too strict out of worry since Mizuki is a lot looser when it comes to rules and stuff. Naomi would gravitate towards Mizuki for these reasons, and before she comes to understand ena more, she would likely resent her a bit. But as Naomi ages, ena grows and becomes a better parent. Not perfect, but better. Around the time Naomi is sixteen is when ena is really trying to remedy her behavior from Naomi’s childhood, and trying to be warmer and more caring and spend more time with Naomi and support her more.

With Mizuki, they’re a very laid back parent. They feel Naomi needs to have some independence and figure things out on her own sometimes. They talk with her like a friend, and are very casual and don’t really have a traditional parent child barrier of respect, which they’re fine with. Mizuki let’s Naomi get away with a lot of stuff and kind of do whatever she wants, but sometimes she takes advantage of this and does things she shouldn’t or skips out on rules or school stuff because she knows Mizuki won’t punish her. Mizuki views themself as a bad parent because of this, being unable to be an actual parent to her and not just an adult friend that happened to sire her. Especially when Naomi was a baby, they would freak out because they didn’t know what they were doing and didn’t know how to take care of a kid, especially when they still feel like a kid themself. However, between the both of them, Naomi is an amazing makeup artist and is amazing at expressing herself through her appearance and clothes.

With toya, his biggest fear would be being too much like his dad. He goes out of his way to make sure his kid gets to make their own choices and be who they want and that neither he or akito is forcing them into something they don’t want. He also doesn’t want to have that cold distance he had with his parents and siblings, trying especially hard to have their family be close and warm, although sometimes he can become incredibly overbearing, made worse by his struggle to express himself properly. He can also become a bit of a push over, since he doesn’t want to come off as strict as his father. His desire for an affectionate family can also be a little odd for him, since he doesn’t have experience with it and thus he can be a bit awkward and distant when he’s making everyone all hang out together. But Yuichi does get full range to express themself without judgement, which is a great thing.

Akito has a similar problem to ena with getting easily annoyed, but not quite as intense, but that may also be because Yuichi was a much quieter child than Naomi was. I don’t have as many thoughts on him as the others but he’s definitely very chill most of the time, and makes sure that Yuichi is comfortable around him. He also constantly stresses that Yuichi can be whoever he wants to be, and not anything that others think he should. He’s also pretty protective too. I might add more on this later but this is what I have for akito right now

Return at a later date for emunene since I only have the bare bones for them </3

[jodilin65]

Back to feeling fatigued again. I didn’t have anything sugary, so I hope it’s only because I took a Benadryl before bed since my nose was stuffier than usual. The nasal dilator wasn’t enough, so I got up and put on a breathing strip. I was worried I’d suffocate while awake, but I didn’t, which convinces me even more that the week of suffocating was caused by the nasal spray. Another thing I woke up with was a sore throat. I haven’t been out in days, so I couldn’t have caught anything from anyone. It’s probably just a dry spot that got irritated during my sleep. I’ll take Claritin before I crash.

Good and bad updates on both the AC and Kathy! The AC will be fixed next Tuesday, which is great, but the bad news is that, even though Tom said other companies could fix it for cheaper, this one wouldn’t budge on the price or give us a discount. So, a less-than-stellar review is in order once it’s fixed. When it breaks again in three years or less, we won’t use this company. So much for the peace of mind that comes with a new AC. Thank God for these portable units! (And no, I’m still not sure if there’s a God, so don’t take that literally—it’s just a figure of speech.)

As for Kathy, she didn’t ghost me. She said she’d never dare do that. She accidentally nearly killed herself. I had no idea she was struggling so much! I told her I wish I’d known, that I would’ve been there for her, and she said she knew I would’ve been. I guess the stress of family life got to her. She felt totally overwhelmed by Adam and the kids not picking up after themselves, among other things. She got into a fight with Adam, Nadia was butting into adult situations, and JoJo was being a “butthead” at school. He has learning disabilities, which makes matters worse. Also, whenever she spoke up about something, all hell would break loose.

She didn’t mean to kill herself but went home after dropping the kids off at school and swallowed a bunch of pills. She said she just wanted to shut the world out for six to eight hours. Then, when she went to pick the kids up, Nadia noticed something was off and reached out through Messenger Kids to her bestie’s mom, who called an ambulance. Kathy was taken to the hospital, transferred for treatment, and now she’s in outpatient therapy. She’ll reactivate Facebook in a week or two. She said they took her phone, so she couldn’t fill me in until now. I remember that from when I had a breakdown in Connecticut and wasn’t allowed to contact the outside world for the first few days—not sure how they think that helps, but that’s just how it was. I told her I’ve been in her shoes before, although for different reasons, so if anyone gets it, it’s me.

I’m still not open to new friendships, though, at least not for a while. I’m tired of people going ballistic over the most mundane and innocent comments I leave on their posts, not to mention the stupidity, lies, and false assumptions in general.

Time will tell if I’ll be dealing with fatigue regularly again—and it wouldn’t surprise me—it won’t be the end of the world. It’s clear that we’re not moving. Fatigue might occasionally interfere with my in-home activities or make some appointments unpleasant, but it won’t kill me. Maybe someday I’ll get another CPAP because it doesn’t seem like I’ll be able to get a mouthguard made. It’s just not common, and he couldn’t find anyone in the area who does it. Maybe I’ll find a different insurance company next month that covers more, but I doubt it. I’ve learned long ago that life rarely goes the way we plan or want. At least the CPAP is still an option.

I always try to improve the areas of my health and personality I think need it, and one thing I definitely need to work on is being more grateful and less of a complainer to Tom. He’s been really stressed out because I’ve been so into the idea of moving, desperate to address my sleep apnea, and stressing about the snowbirds returning. He’s always had a hard time dealing with me venting. While he insists I can vent all I want and says he’s there for me, he’s just a super sensitive guy. So, even though he’d never tell me not to talk to him about things, it still stresses him out.

I reassured him that, after thinking about it, we really don’t need to move. First, we don’t have the money. Second, this house has withstood canes for nearly 25 years. Third, every time we’ve tried to go off-grid in the past, it’s been a disaster. Maricopa wasn’t quite off the grid, but Oregon sure was, and I have no doubt that unforeseen disasters would keep setting us back. Besides, we’re not young anymore, and building a house wouldn’t be easy—not to mention being too far from doctors, or having to burn trash like in Maricopa which I know Tom hated, and picking up mail. He hates in-person shopping, too, and we’d have to do that if we moved somewhere Walmart wouldn’t deliver.

Lastly, I don’t want to deal with sonic booms again. It was a nice fantasy while I was sick and stressed from Hurricane Milton. Sure, some breathing room around us would’ve been nice, but it’s just not a reality anymore.

Yes, the snowbirds are annoying, but at least it’s only half the year and not year-round. If the honker wakes me up, so be it. Technically, he’s not doing anything wrong. I mean, it’s wrong, but it’s not. Motorcycles shouldn’t be allowed in adult communities, but these communities aren’t what they used to be in the ‘80s, and that’s just the way it is. You can make all the noise you want during the day, and if he wakes me up, that’s my problem, not his. It’s not his fault I can’t always be up in the daytime. I’m not sure yet if he’ll actually wake me up. I worry about it with the new bedroom setup, but I’ll just keep turning the sound machine up louder and shove an earplug in my good ear if that’s what I need to do. There’s also the option of adding a second device on the other side of the bedroom so my nature sounds come from more than one speaker. For now, I’ll just try turning the device on my headboard shelf a little louder like I used to and see if that’s enough. If not, I’ll adjust from there.

Instead of dreaming about moving, I’m going to appreciate this place more and what it has to offer, even if it’s too small. Most of my venting will go in my journal from now on. That’s part of what it’s for anyway. Plus Swell.

Tomorrow it's back to highs in the 80s and lows in the 60s. :)