#Im mentally un

[tiredthistofor]

JUMP UP KICK BACK WHIP AROUND AND SPIN

[autisticaradiamegido]

day 192

a break from artfight for some good news! i have finally scheduled a surgical consult to have my enemy (read: uterus) removed. this is a bit of a scarier prospect than my breast reduction was, but i think it will be an equally impactful quality of life improvement when all is said and done!!

anyway those of yall who have been here since the beginning may remember me posting through that whole process so i figure why stop now.

[drakkonyan]

so uhhh. passage of time amirightguysss

[radmista]

Sowing seeds of discontent and disharmony by hanging up on my parents birthday phone call the second my mom asked if I gained weight. Hope that sits badly on their minds while they think about how that's the first call I've engaged with them in 2 months and it was for the dogs birthday. Dad scrambling to text me for my mom that she didn't mean it. Like fuck I told her I've been having a rough month and day. She couldn't keep it to herself that badly. Fucks sake

[spearheadrampancy]

the problem with not using vent right now and going on tumblr instead is that i have been Plagued By Normal in pretty large amounts lately. its ok on vent i can just shove it under a readmore and set the post to muts only. tumblr scary.

[vadapavani-13]

[theikusabastash]

nmm

sighs dreamily,,,,kirukiyo

[magpiethepunkfairy]

Remaking a post so it's here on my main account

Responding to @goblintoothfairy on a post I made

This gave me a lot of thoughts and feelings I am so sorry for a very long post

I wanna answer your question but it's gonna be long and I wanted it to be it's own thing and not potentially get lost in the void

It's complicated honestly

And it's also something that for me is directly tied to both my physical and mental health

I can't give any kinda general or blanket advice cause it was kinda the perfect storm for me, a lot of different things changed and fell into place

I got outta school, I was able to get out of the physical environment, the bright lights and loud noise and layered smells, and the social environment, to many people, passive aggressive peers And teachers, complicated social things and shitty friend groups. I'm able to set my own schedule and better control the energy I'm using each day

I got out of a toxic and shitty relationship, we were not good for each other, I can be a lot because of my physical and mental health and he couldn't handle it and instead of be honest about it he took it out on me.

I got back into therapy and started taking a really cool self defense class. My therapist is really cool and he's also an instructor for the class

They push me to challenge some of the things I was telling myself, push me to defend and also to just Have boundaries. Teach me to stick to my words and actions, show me I'm capable of more then I allow myself to think.

But they also except and understand my limits, physical what I'm able to do and also just when I'm not comfortable with something, they encourage me when I tell them no I can't/won't/don't Want to do something

And through all of this I started internalizing things, came to terms with parts of my identity as a queer person more but also as someone who's neurodivergent and disabled

I started paying attention to how I was really using my energy and if I was really ok with it

I decided I was worth more then the things I'd let people and Myself put me through

I decided I deserve to be myself and that if the people currently in my life couldn't handle it they weren't worth dissolving myself for

And this last part is extremely important to me

I am Still working on it, still going through the motions of catching myself in negative loops and changing it

I still have bad days, I still really struggle sometimes

I'm also realizing that's ok, that I'm going to still struggle

That I might always struggle, and even that's ok

I'm working on focusing on being kind instead of nice

To myself and others

I give myself space to have my negative thoughts and feelings, I still get stuck in them sometimes

But I feel them, and then I go talk to my mom, or open a window, or eat a snack

It's a long hard process, and it will be a life long one for me

I'm currently working on just Talking to my friends more, my mind convinces me I'll ruin it, that they hate me, it still wins the battle most days

But I'm working through it, getting better most days

I'm no keeping quiet about things I care about and believe in for other people's comfort

And it honestly has Nothing to do with other people and everything to do with me working towards being the person I want to be

I hope this helps, and if it doesn't that's ok, I really don't think there's a one size fits all way to go about this

Another important thing, it's been something I've been actively working on in some form or another for two years now, and I still have so much more work to do

[triglycercule]

i'm going on a trip to europe tmrw until the 31st so get ready for a bunch of airport/europe/tour/beach/whatever international bullshit i experience during the trip because i MUST relate everything i do to the murder time trio or can i even call myself a fan. the tricule hc tag is going to be FLOODED over these next few days (and i also have unironically like 45 drafts ready for the posting if i run out of ideas (UNLIKELY) so yeah. this blog is GETTING SPAMMED!!!!!!)

anyways i'm packing now :3 i took a day off today because i just seriously spent all of monday and tuesday horror analyzing th moment i wake up at 9 and go to sleep at 1. and then i spent the entirety of wednesday yesterday dust translating (and i have more of calvateyla's ao3 fics to translate too) so i'll probably be working on both of those (AND HOPEFULLY MY SUMMER HOMEWORK BECAUSE I DIDN'T DO IT YET) until i return. in which idk ill explode or something maybe i'll make a new project or pick up a wip or something (stares with my big pink orange green sparkly luminous iridescent eyes at swapinverse. or my other mtt ideas that DEFINITELY should be made into art or writing or something instead of text form but i'm really lazy so)

[thediktatortot]

Don't mind me, I'm just fucking depressed

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

fdhgjkhg watching this show on netflix and this character is trying to retrace the steps of some other character to try and get the answers they have or smth idk im not really paying enough attention to follow the plot but this other character comes into the room and is like "youre never gonna get this. youre actually a decent human being. you cant think like he does" "what, like a rogue scientist?" "lets not tiptoe around it; hes a fucking madman" "fine then i'll think like a madman!"

and i, blorbobrained, go: yasmin,,,,,,,,,

[trafficpan-ic]

So im really scared right now if I Will have a Big health problem.

And thé thing is i am the most scared of tthr money health Care things it Will Bring with them.

I Cant think of another health thing that Will Cost me much money after my autism diagnose

I just want to live my life and maybe enjoy it bit

[heirbane]

feel free to ignore if you’ve already talked about this before, but i was running prae recently and it got me curious about gaius’s feelings on livia / nero / rhitahtyn? or the xivth in general. :>

i have been roosting on this for. weeks? months? because i have Thoughts and not a lot of them are popular probably lol. long long post below. so!

Livia and Lucia lived with Gaius after they were orphaned. The wiki gives like one sentence to say they were separated, but there's no linked proof. For the purposes of my canon, Lucia and Livia are identical twins, and fell into Gaius' custody around the age of nine or ten. (Mayhaps they had intended to separate them, but doing so to people so obviously two halves of one soul, as twins are oft believed to be, was cruel.)

Livia and Lucia were Gaius' first children. He was 39 and had spent twenty five years in the military already, a feat both telling of his ability and his early enlistment. Those who made it to twenty summers in the military had their futures financially secured for them. Gaius would never want for anything, and he now felt that he could offer himself up as a mentor figure to those younger... because as a child who had raised himself and had grown up in the military, he believed that all children needed was a safe home, plentiful meals, and education. His coin could provide all of those things.

Gaius scarcely remembered being ten years old. Not from lack of trying but from purposeful forgetfulness, a merciful omission made by his subconscious to truly forget the half-dozen winters spent trying to relieve his mother of her grief and fending for himself. He thinks he remembers being lonely, and cold, and scared. That, he thinks, he can avoid with the twins, even while he's on a tour of duty. He is so resplendently well-off and respected that the girls could attend private lessons and be dressed in the warmest coats.

(Providing the essentials - even to a level bordering on excessive, or stifling - is not a love children need. His first daughters were no better off than he at ten: they may have been clothed, in classes, and being raised by one of the military's finest, but they were still cripplingly alone. It is a knife he had handed all of his children, something he doesn't feel the blade of for over a dozen years.)

Livia was desperately, horridly lonely. Even before the death of her parents, she did not receive the amount of attention and love that she felt she needed. Her parents attention had always been split between her and her sister, and - as is often the case in multiple child households - Lucia was often seen as the more proper daughter. Upon their demise, Livia was left with a flurry of emotions she had yet to truly acknowledge and decode as one would growing up. Without a proper parent to idealize and a healthy, consistent environment to grow up in, Livia gorged herself on any and all attention, no matter how uncouth or unhinged. All attention was good attention.

She idolized Gaius to a suffocating degree. After her parents died, it seemed as if he swooped in and brought them into gilded luxury: she had everything she could have ever desired... but somehow - ... she still felt empty. But she felt loved and seen whenever he was home. She didn't know what she wanted, nor did she have the maturity to know there was a what: she simply wanted whatever scraps of affection he would offer... and never quite grew out of that. Trauma and emotional neglect is a bear trap one does not get free from on their own. Unfortunately, Livia was very much alone.

Lucia fled Garlemald at sixteen. Both girls were enrolled in the military at fifteen - one more willing than the other. Livia made leaps and bounds in a short few years, clawing her way to fight at Gaius' side, where she believed she belonged. Lucia focused on espionage, and used her adopted father's name to her advantage... and fled. Livia never saw Lucia after that, and died not knowing if her sister had ever found what she had sought in the savage lands.

Rhitahtyn, by comparison, was decidedly more a younger brother than son. A half dozen years his junior, Rhitahtyn entered the military not long after Gaius turned twenty-four. Not long after, Rhitahtyn was assigned to Gaius' very first platoon of soldiers ... as those from conquered lands were oft used as a new General's testing group.

Rhitahtyn and other Roe folk often used their native tongue to chitchat when in the barracks or otherwise not under the direct eye of Garlemald... or when they believed their superior to be ignorant of the language. Gaius had been in the military over a decade by the time they crossed paths and had chosen to learn the basics of the tongues spoken by those under his command. Needless to say, Rhitahtyn had choice words for his leader. (Needless to say, Gaius had his own in return. The floors of the platoon's bedquarters would never be nearly as clean as the Roe had made them that night as punishment.)

Despite the bad foot they got off on, Gaius saw promise in the younger man. He remained level-headed no matter the confrontation, already had years of work behind him as a mercenary, and had a sharp wit to boot. As time went on, their footing became less uneven, and Gaius began to see him as a peer instead of a recruit. Time and time again, he chose Rhi to be at his side, much like Nero and Livia.

Rhi knew the rest of Gaius' children. He met all of the Au Ri from Terncliff: he knew the Garlean orphans the man sponsored care for. They all came to see the Roe in a similar light to Gaius, despite the wide age gap between himself and them: to his children, Rhi was but another sibling. (It was Alphonse, still losing baby teeth and learning how Garlean names worked, who stumbled over Rhitahtyn's name enough that 'Rhi' came to be. Only the children dubbed him so. It was not a name Gaius would ever admit to using.)

As it is in canon, Gaius would not have sent Rhi to Cape Westwind to die. He would not have left the grounds to Livia and others. He did not believe the Warrior of Light so strong as to put down two soldiers he had trained himself: he had more faith in their abilities - and in Garlemald - than he had fear of the Warrior.

(As not many survived Westwind or after, it took Gaius many, many years to learn how Rhitahtyn perished - a fact only the Warrior of Light carried with them. He knew he had perished: he knew he had fought until the end. But to know that his brother-in-arms had fully intended to go down in flames with the Warrior of Light - ... to say he has regrets is but a sliver of the truth.)

In a perfect world, Gaius may have set up Nero with one of his daughters. In a perfect world, Midas would not have perished, and they would have happily co-parented Cid. Both Cid and Nero were born when Gaius was in his early twenties, and he sees both men in a similar light, much to Nero's disgust. A little competition never hurt anyone, and each boy's promise seemed to ignite fire in the other.

Much akin to Livia and Lucia, Nero is ... definitely the black sheep. While close to the age of his adult children, the man froths at the mouth when such is spoken, forever rushing to be great in his own right. Nero's sights for the future - his future, specifically - is both endearing and infuriating to Gaius, who sees his soldiers as part of a larger whole.

Unfortunately, no matter how infuriating or offbeat he is, Nero is a genius... but would have still come up short, had Cid stayed in Garlemald. Gaius knows this. Nero knows this, and he will fight until he is near dead to get out of the shadow Cid left behind by simply existing.

(Nero does not know why the shadow remains. He does not know why Gaius is soft-hearted for Cid, or why his voice is so fond for Midas. His relationship with the scientist is a secret only two other people were privy to: Midas' wife, and Cid. By the time Gaius meets Nero, Midas' widow has long since disappeared from under Garlemald's eye... and Cid is presumed dead.)

Had Lucia not fled and had Livia been sound of mind, he does think they would have made a fine lineage, all things considered. However, Livia only had eyes for Gaius... and Nero only had eyes for Cid.

[stormyoceans]

helloooo 💜💙 i'm sorry for asking this all of a sudden but i've seen your latest post and the meme you used is a famous italian meme! are you italian or... 👀?

MI HAI SCOPERTA ANON

[vitamin-zeeth]

New Invention by IDKHOW is so Pete Conlan the chorus makes me think of him

[blixabargelds]

time is a big flat circle and my life is a boomerang and i’m stressed and miserable and i have the same brain at 27 as i did at 13 and im fed up