#Im done being a parent
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I need to rant. Sorry I've been so negative lately I'm struggling a bit with life.
#Tw in the tags for food issues depression and suicide#I've been suicidial lately#Heavily so because my sister is coming out of hospital and due stuff with my dad I am going to have to be her main carer again after my mum#And i csnt do it#I dont want to do it#I've had enough!#Im done being a parent#Also got told by a bmi machine im obese again and I can't do the work to lose weight again.#And all i wanted to do tonight was make a chilli for the week but my mum is in the office tomorrow so I couldn't even cook that#I've been so depressed for so long and eating like shit that I'm in this situation.#I dont want to keep living at this point#Im stuck in my situation with so little money im losing my mind#What am I supposed to do#Argggggh#I have no one I can reach out to and I don't know where to go for profession help but... Yeah.. Urgh
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One wedding and three funerals
Background paintings under the cut
#tomgreg#succession#tom wambsgans#greg hirsch#shiv roy#roman roy#kendall roy#yeah no im not tagging everyone thats too much#this is me going 'how much implications themes and symbolism can i fit in one painting'#yes i gave rose shivs haircolor. if we ever find out how she looks like and its not like this im just gonna pass away i guess#but yeah i hope yall connect the dots#i put waaay too much thought and work into this. i was googling pictures of all the actors as kids just for reference (sigh)#honestly kinda wanted to make tom and greg link pinkies as like. a pinkie promise. but that was too hard to draw in this angle#at least not without obstructing the view of the ring which is important to see so ya#my fave is actually the tomshiv wedding pic i went off with that. i love them... they should have run away to become sheep farmers fr fr#anyway im so glad im done with this UGH!! finally i can draw smth else without being like oh noooo i need to finish this#i see a lot of you wondering why there is no portrait of logan but one of ewan#it's bc the placement of the painting represent their standing. logans portray would not hang next to the stairs#his present portrait hangs at the end of it. all the way up at the top. alone and withering away#basically the picture you see underneath ewan to the right? its where toms parents would be. the right side of the wall is tom and gregs#and the left one is the roy siblings theirs. since they grew up rich rich. and tom and greg didn't#but ya thats why ewan hangs here and logan does not :)
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"i have a sister now! thank you, granpa! we are going to do so much stuff together!"
(trans masc newborn shado btw. tag as ship and ill kill you)
#im so done. they deserved so much better#im getting atatched to maria now and its#its not easy. shes basicaly a pure white girl but also a completely blank canvas#yet im so. shes so.. i hc those earings are a gift from her parents they gave her jjst before she moved to the ark. she always wears them#she was a human being with her own identity but neither her granpa (the person that raised her) nor the narrative treats her as such#there had to be some fucked up shit she went through psycologicaly that not even shadow got to know#its actually painful for me to draw her not happy. its too much#also shadow is trans masc and just a few days of age thats why maria calls him “sister”#sth#sonic#sonic fanart#shadow the hedgehog#maria robotnik#nov.aart
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they should've been at the club(infertility treatment centers)
#like guys. be real with me. how many options did you even try before turning to dark magic#nothing about the situation called for all that😭#in my mind they're like 22 and 25 here which makes it all even funnier#guys please just adopt a dog or something😭#nothing about either of you screams ready for parenthood#im so happy adrien agreste exists but the circumstances of his birth are so ridiculous#there is so much gabe and emilie couldve done besides this. they could have done anything#honestly knowing them(<-girl who believes she knows them) im not even convinced the infertility treatment wasnt working#I think they just both were so allured by the concept of a magic baby#they were like six months in and hadn't gotten pregnant yet and were like. well. I guess we're out of options! dark magic it is!#and made it everyone else's problem forever#these two wanted to be doomed by the narrative SO bad#honestly though being a 22 year old girl I kind of yet it. sometimes I see a cute baby and want one so bad maybe I too would use dark magic#maybe emilie agreste was just a girl.#anyway. sorry adrien that your parents were Like This but it is so so funny#anna rambles#ml#gabriel agreste#emilie agreste
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oh kid....
#fop#fopanw#fairly oddparents#fairly odd parents#fairly odd parents a new wish#fop peri#fop dev#the wizard posts#ive had this one stuck in my head forever#and finally found the motivation to get it done#im very rusty with my arms and hands#so bear with me while i get back on track with my drawing#anyways#these guys are being rotated 24/7 in my mind rn
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Behold, I've impregnated the red thing from the smiley show :P
Fr tho, A/llan's my favorite so.... ✨PRAGNET✨
#mpreg#not kink#Papa Red❤️#Sorry this is a little sloppily done#Had an itch to doodle Allan but couldn’t come up with what should be going on in the bg lmfao#just assume the other parent is the result of a not so sober rendezvous lol#Oddly enough i think he could be a good dad#As strange as he is#He’s a very responsible guy hehe#And I feel like bossman would be very empathetic and supportive#being a dad(?) himself pffff#P/im would be fucking STOKED🤣#He’s pure excited uncle energy#offers to babysit and all that good stuff#Charlie’s like#Cool man#Happy for you or whatever#G/lep is….. G/lep#🤣🤣🤣
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If my sibling was being insulted and despised by everyone simply for choosing an unorthodox path, I would have defended her till my dying breath. Rip Jiang Cheng but I'm built different
#jiang cheng#wei wuxian#mdzs#mo dao zu shi#and yeah im asian#filial piety runs in my veins#and yes i have actually done this#ok not exactly tje same bit still#basically my sister was being demonized for what was socially perceived as shameful#i had the 'pretogious' stance of being the 'good and obedient eldest daughter'#aka perceived as the 'golden child'#but the love of asian parents has always been conditional to how useful you are to them#so i was never actually the fav#anyway i busted my ass defending my sis#i dont get into arguments#im known for my patience#but for my sisters i defended them with everything i had#became the dreaded insolent child#i had responsibillities#29 years worth of cultural indoctrination#nah man#my sisters came first always#mine
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My purpose and singular mission in life is to make sure queer and/or neurodivergent kids know that sometimes it really is their parents who are stupid and other adults are on their side. This, unfortunately, does not make me popular with their parents. Gonnae keep doing it though.
#kid was very overwhelmed by the theatre environment and panicking and didnt want to see the show cause it looked scary#and the mum was trying to get me to tell the kid its not scary (no i dont lie to kids i told her there are lots of funny bits but a couple#of maybe scary bits too)#and I told her hey listen the bravest thing you can do is tell people you arent comfortable somewhere. youve done so well to do that#and i gave her a program so she can learn more and make an informed decision if she wants to come another time#and i asked her what her favourite things are and she said science and animals and i told her to try the museum its super fun#and her mum was all 'ugh shes a nightmare she's ~on the spectrum~'#and i went yeah me too. and told the kid this isnt for everyone and she did well to tell me and i hope she likes the museum#and like. her mum yelling at her was making everything worse. talking to her like a person with agency?#got her from full panic attack to actively smiling at me in under 5 minutes#sometimes your parents or guardians are in fact being stupid or rude! neurodivergent adults exist! other people see you and hear what you're#saying and won't be mad!#anyway. now IM very overwhelmed but i really hope that kid remembers this and i hope she has a great day#im going to get a coffee and sit under a tree for a while
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so my mom really loves elden ring and for christmas i thought it would be a cute gift idea to draw her a print so i went up to her and asked her what thing from elden ring shed like me to draw expecting her to say something like "oh the pretty view of the swamp area" but instead she interrupted me and went "you know those big ladies with the sawblades on the vulcano? Those. I want those."
I think it'll look really cute in her sewing atelier
#elden ring#cannot emphasize enough how she did not pause for a moment. she thinks these things rule. (shes correct)#might livestream the process of working on it cuz im already halfway done with the lineart#the bee speaks#my parents both being gamers makes stuff like this so easy my dad gave her dark souls 3 for her birthday
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quick airing of grievances for something that ultimately isn't a real problem
but Wah its obviously going to be one of my two parents (or both !) taking me to get surgerized and driving me home (if i manage to get it scheduled...🧿🧿🧿) and...! idk...! i wish i still had any irl friends in the vicinity that cld be there...
parents are begrudgingly accepting of it because well it's already in motion, it's My Life and Body, but they obviously won't be ecstatic about it. like.
i keep imagining being in recovery and feeling very excited and happy but having that feeling be squished down and suppressed by their disappointed faces...or wondering how they'll awkwardly Look at me when im back home recovering and hobbling around... like even here I'll feel bad about "doing this to them" and what "went wrong" to make me so disappointing in every possible facet. even though i've fantasized about this since I knew my body was capable of Horrors, have been looking into it since high school, i've been tweeting about wanting it every other week for the past 4 years, etc.
#i fear im going to feel weirdly Dirty after it. bc of their feelings abt it. as if i did something disgusting and gross for gross reasons#talkys#in another world I'd be having dis done and coming out to a loving partner waiting for me to be wheeled out#oh well....at least medical procedures and aftermaths let me daydream about being Cared For and doted on#by imaginary boyfriend(s)#and I have 500 billion games on my 3ds to play#going to have to plan commissions around this....+ hope I'm able to recover in time to be thistle at the con...#i hope i get call back soon ^_^ i want it to be over with already so in a few months it can all be like i never made my parents sad...#and my body is closer to being Mine#i hope my sister also goes thru with looking into it LOL we can be disappointments together
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...
#yall may know im workin on that xianle trio Truth Serum Fic#but I also actually wrote (and finished) a pretty angsty Wulian one shot first?? its a lotta hurt and a little bit of comfort#but im a bit apprehensive about posting it#like there's way darker stuff out there but idk its like heavy suicide (hanging) stuff and burying parents stuff. A BIT dark#i feel like i need to at least post the Funny Happy One first to prove i write more than just ANGST tbh lmao#but also the fun one is a fair amount longer and it'll be a minute before its done#i forgot why i was making this post#am i being real dumb?
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see thing is now i can never rewatch burrow's end
#i would simply cry so hard it would kill me#what do u mean he played a parent to a little girl while he's about to be a parent to a little girl irl what do you mean?#what do you mean his character was made to attacker her own child and that that scene was so overwhelmingly sad for him-#-that he didn't even act it out or say anything#what do u mean izzy played a little girl with a special relationship with her mom while being with child?#anyways im done#ily lil sunny ur about to be so loved and cared for#brennan lee mulligan#burrow's end
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Being brought up on a farm and only ever going back indoors to head right back out again for my whole life, the decreasing amount of insects has been extremely noticeable and it's been going on for years. Of course it's been worrying with the climate catastrophe, and once I became a beekeeper and learned more about my village's local flora it became even more glaring.
So imagine my surprise this year when there are more insects than I can count. Sitting on my porch (practically my room during summers) I'm noticing species I haven't seen since I was at least a young teenager, and there are more butterflies of different varieties than I even remember from my childhood!
There are so many bees flying around too, probably from the hives down by the old homestead buildings by the church and school, owned by the woman I know from the local beekeeper's association.
What's more is that this year there has been no drought OR flooding, so there are a lot more flowers blooming for longer, and everyone in my village as well as the surrounding villages are reporting a burst of activity in their hives... as well as higher activity from the wild bees and pollinators. For the first time in years it's starting to resemble the way it was when I was younger.
All that is to say, the climate catastrophe is real, and in my area it's causing a lot more violent thunderstorms... but oh my god all this reminds me why I persist despite the despair that tries to dig its claws in.
I may not be able to do major change on a global scale, but you can bet me and everyone here will at least try and support this little place. We can keep going in the fight against the municipality that wants to urbanize at the cost of our precious biodiversity, and we can continue to fight to keep out the cities that tries to enroach on us and get closer.
It is rare for villages in Götaland to remain this free from urbanization despite being nestled right in the middle of multiple major cities, and there's no excuse to destroy what little there is left of it down here in the south.
#whats more is that its getting easier and easier to buy local produce and meat and materials#the very thing both my parents and many others had to give up on when industrialization hit the final nail in the coffin#the thing that killed my farfar who inherited the old farm that stood no chance against industrialization#theres so much left to be done of course#for one it will be hard to reintroduce the flora thats vanished over the years#as a result of climate change and utterly botched use of the land and fields#not to mention the forest industry placing forest keepers in a position where they have to sell lumber in order to keep going#but god fucking damnit im not going to lose hope#i refuse to pass on without having at least tried to keep this place safe#the municipality can talk all they want about making it so more people can live here#out of all the locales within its borders we have several major towns one airport and access to two major cities#and YET we also have this one place of relatively untouched countryside with farmland and high biodiversity#without being rural thanks to the railroad and public transport#why shouldnt we preserve that! when the surrounding municipalities are constantly becoming hard to live in without cars!#theyll have to pry it from my cold dead fingers#silvi talks#im sorry i have a Lot of feelings about this
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So I finally watched Sense8. I regret not watching it sooner for a couple reasons. But I'm so glad I finally watched it.
#i dont know why it got canceled#but it ended well for being canceled#AND ITS SO QUEER. ITS SOOOOO QUEER#two confirmed bi women. amanita had bi colored hair but being exclusively wlw the whole show she could be lesbian. a trans lesbian!!!!#all the men are queer. they are. i love how comfortable they are with each other. and RAJAN IS A GODDAMN KING. ID DIE FOR THAT MAN#sun and mun 🥺🥺🥺 omfgggg i love them. i kinda headcanon sun as demi- or gray-aroace and mun 😭 HES A FUCKING KING TOO#and diego 🥺 and felix 🥺 and Rileys dad 🥺 and Caphaes' mom 🥺 and amanita's parents 🥺 nomi's sister 🥺 and Kala's parents 🥺#SO MANY CHARACTERS WERE AMAZING!!!!!#also lowkey still in awe that there was a polycule through the whole show and then in the end theres a second one??? whaaaaat!!! amaaazing#ALSO ⚠️ BEFORE ANY YELLS AT ME FOR MAYBE MISSING A DETAIL ⚠️ Im human. maybe i got up for a drink and didnt pause.#bc thats a crime i commit often lol. so if im misinterpreting something dont chop off my head ok? i saw polycules you didnt have to#i saw an aroace reading. i dont totally know if i sit by that any more bc i think sun x mun is built well. like dont attack me over musings#ok. done for now#sense8#aunt posting
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Hate thissss I feel like I haven't been properly productive today (somehow posting two art things Doesn't register properly in my mind) so I wanna stay up to get as much as I can down, but I also need to go to sleep in case I'm called in tomorrow because fuuuuuck going to work on little sleep that shit sucks. But also, the possibility of being called in makes me wanna stay up even more, so I can finish art in case I don't have time tomorrow. So now I'm sat up at 12:30 tired as shit but unable to draw or go to bed. The never-ending cycle of hell.
#ramblings#i wish they had someone else to call in on short notice. i dont hate coming in extra but i hate getting a text at like 7:10 when kennel#hours in the morning start 7:30. i knowww i should probably set a boundary but like. fuck#and you know what i wish my parents bothered to fucking understand how frustrating it is being called in so frequently#my mom specifically. i bring stuff with work up and its like a broken record. `if you go in all the time youll be seen as reliable!`#when i was talking about getting a day off to see my brothers marching last weekend she was like#`see what did i tell you? you make yourself reliable and theyll let you take off what you need` talking like i just asked for it off#after it had already been scheduled. girl i had to ask people to cover me still. i just#i hate it. i havent told her i told them i didnt wanna work clinic hours because she'd drill me about why#its just frustrating !! and when i say my genuine feelings its like she needs to correct me. like im thinking wrong.#this is why i had to fucking snap before setting the boundary of not covering clinic hours. because its always#`do what they ask every time because youll seem reliable` from my mom no matter fucking what. and then i already have issues#setting boundaries in general because i dont want to upset others or make them mad at me#ok sorry this has turned into. a wholeass vent. im just. at my wits end can you tell?#at this rate im really just getting nothing done. im going to bed#dont worry about me ill be fine. i just need to let it out and this is kinda my only outlet rn
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And today on hsr-hi3 expy stuff that sounds extremely concerning and suspicious if you know the right context, but normal otherwise: Sushang is at it again!
Apparently, she was taking sword lessons before she was even taught how to read. I was curious about whether her mom was going to be abusive towards her like in hi3 after she talked about her in the Aurum Alley event, and between her ch story part 4 and this, I'm leaning towards yes.
I was also wondering if Suyi would ever be playable, seeing as she basically has the same amount of character depth as Feima (hi3 Yanqing), and the fact that Sushang is bringing her up the moment Yaoqing characters were added gives me some hope.
#ever since playing the 7s vn#(not that im done yet but still)#my interest in sushang has skyrocketed#from not giving a shit about her#to being super interested in her#its amazing#how much sus stuff u can catch#about her and suyi and that dam sword#when u know li sushangs lore#my only worry with playable suyi#knowing hoyo#is that it could mean not acknowledging#that she abused her#on the other hand#i would love it if suyi was still huas kid/disciple#like they were in hi3#and thats why her parenting is that shitty#bc it would be fun to explore#i could honestly make a full analysis#on sushang and suyi#and their hi3 related stuff#but this blog was always just supposed to be#a dump for my negative thoughts#so probably wont#honkai star rail#hsr#sushang hsr#hsr sushang#hsr suyi#suyi hsr
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