#Im at least not feeling depressed and I’m not having all the sleep trouble I used to or the void feeling

[goldkirk]

Got my first meeting with a psychiatrist in over a year since the last one demanded details about trauma when I was visibly sweating and shaking! Let’s hope today goes much better and that I have the prefrontal cortex online enough to leave if necessary instead of tolerating that kind of thing again

[angels-fantasy]

Girl let me just say your fics are superb and thanks for the quirkless child one I requested with Bakugou! I promise I’ll leave you be for a bit in a second, but… post final war; everyone who has came out alive clearly is suffering from injuries, health issues, and trauma (both physical trauma and mental trauma) no? So how about a Bakugou x Reader with a reader who was essentially Bubbly, Firery and Energetic, to after the war who is exhausted, is often having nightmares over Bakugou cause well he nearly died, sleep deprived and basically depressed because I can guarantee nobody should be sane after a war, especially not children like our lovely highschoolers. Please make it angst to comfort, because seeing how Bakugou also has developed I’m sure as sad as he would be he would also be understanding and try to be comforting (despite his awkwardness). I’d appreciate if you could get this done to be as close as possible (and maybe just a little long than the one I requested last time- no pressure) BUT if anything you find in my request may be too triggering or something feel free to make it less triggering and change it, I just ask if you can keep the same vibe and theme with the reader who changed drastically after the wars and is getting comforted by Bakugou, Angst to comfort (duh), thank you so much, and I hope I’m not troubling you too much! — An anon who enjoys suffering, angst, and comfort ((SAC) Anon); (get it? Suffering, Angst, Comfort, SAC, wait that has a good ring to it, damn I have a new alias, I’ll shut up now)

I'm Okay, As Long as He's Here (Request)

Katsuki Bakugou x Reader

Details/Warnings: reader has a panic attack and nightmares!! pls be weary of this. angst to fluff, well, my attempt at angst lol

Word Count: 1k

thank you for your request and the support :D it means a lot to me 🩷 btw don't ever feel like you're bothering me or like you need to leave me alone! i like talking to everyone :) also this is a good little plot, but im not the best at writing angst but this is helping me improve i think, so please tell me how i did! i really hope you like it SAC anon hahah

Before the war, you were a different person. Looking at you now, no one would ever guess you were once a bubbly, out going person. But Katsuki knew you were, and sometimes, he missed the old you.

It was hard to watch you wake up crying in the middle of the night from your horrible nightmares of the war. Some being about his near death experience, and others being about him dying in other ways.

Some nights, you didn't sleep at all, and it was really showing.

"Hey, keep your head up. I don't want you to fall asleep." Katsuki said. It was already months after the war, so you were all back at school, but you were one of the few students that was struggling the most.

He definitely has his struggles too, but he knew he had to be there for you, because yours were much worse.

You opened your eyes wider, trying your best to stay awake. "Sorry. I couldn't sleep last night."

"You havin' nightmares again?"

You nodded, he sighed.

"Come sleep in my dorm tonight. You sleep better with me and you know it."

You agreed and continued trying your best to stay awake for the rest of the day. Occasionally, Katsuki would have to wake you up or remind you to stay awake. The lack of sleep made it hard to focus, especially in Hero Training. Thankfully, Mr. Aizawa and the rest of the teachers were understanding of the students who were struggling.

Once school was over it felt like a weight was lifted off of your shoulders. You knew you had homework to do, but right now you'd rather sleep. Or at least attempt to. Since you were going to be with Katsuki tonight, you were probably only going to have one nightmare. Plus, he'd be there to comfort you.

Following your boyfriend to his dorm room, you immediately changed into some of your clothes that he had there for you, and then laid down on his bed.

For a while, you just silently watched him as he sat at his desk and did his homework, something you should also be doing.

"What're you starin' at?"

You smiled, but not as brightly as before, "I'm just admiring you."

He huffed, "Good, I'm awesome."

Rolling your eyes, you said, "And there he is."

He laughed and continued doing his homework. You just continued watching him, because it was something that comforted you. It was a reminder that he was okay and alive.

Knowing he was safe right in front of you, you fell asleep.

...

You didn't know what time it was, but it must've been late since the room you were in was dark.

You clutched your chest as you sat up in bed and breathed heavily, feeling tears prick your eyes.

Of course, you had another nightmare again. This one in particular was about Katsuki, and he was in the arms of Shigaraki. You saw the villain use his Decay quirk on him, and your boyfriend began to crumble away but you were paralyzed in your dream. There was nothing you could do.

The nightmare felt so real and so scary, like they usually do. You felt so helpless and scared. The evil that emitted from Shigaraki and All For One was something you'd always remember.

You subconsciously began to rock yourself back and forth and made self soothing noises as you continued to have a panic attack. They never got easier, or less scary as time went on. It always felt like you were going to die.

Your panic must've woke Katsuki up, because you suddenly heard his voice calling out to you.

"Hey, hey! Breathe baby, you gotta breathe." He said.

You shook your head, "I-I can't! It hurts. I'm scared, I'm gonna die!"

He carefully grabbed your hands and held them in his. He took one of them and brought it to his chest near his heart so you could feel it beat.

"What is my heart doing right now?" He asked. This was a method he used to ground you during these situations, especially because he knew how you felt about him and his safety.

You looked at his chest, "Beating. Your heart is beating."

"Right. Now what do you feel here?" He asked, now placing a hand on the blanket that was on top of you guys.

"The blanket."

"What does it feel like?"

"It's soft and fluffy."

As he continued distracting you from your panic, you eventually calmed down. You were still crying a bit, but he held you in his arms as you let it out.

"He killed you Katsuki. I was so scared, and I couldn't do anything!" You cried into his chest.

He rubbed your back, "You know that shit isn't real, no matter how real it feels. I'm right here living and breathing. I'm safe, okay?"

You nodded and sniffed, "Okay." You placed a hand on his chest over his heart and felt it beat, the steady rhythm of it comforting you.

Katsuki grabbed that hand and kissed the palm of it, "Love you. I'll be here all night, 'kay?"

"I love you too. Thank you."

"It's no problem."

The next morning, you felt more rested than usual. It must've been because you only had one nightmare, which was an improvement.

You noticed you woke up before your boyfriend, so you just let him sleep a little longer while you got on with your morning routine. You had a lot of your own things in his room, including an extra toothbrush which you were thankful for.

When he eventually woke up, he walked over to you and hugged you tightly.

"You feelin' okay?" He asked.

You nodded as best as you could in his tight grip, "Mhm."

"Be honest."

"I am! I feel a lot better than last night." You insisted as you pulled away slightly, still keeping your arms around him.

He hummed and kissed the top of your head, "Mkay. Wanna sleep with me again tonight?"

"Yeah, I'll bring more clothes later."

He smiled, "'Kay. Let's go to class." He said and threw an arm over your shoulder, making you smile up at him.

Yeah, you knew things would be okay as long as he was around.

authors note

i hope you liked it! i'm sorry it was kinda short, i've been in a little writing stump but im trying to get out of it!

love ya 🩷

tags for bakugou fics: @doumadono @shonen-brainrot

[insomnaticwriter]

you said you had some stories about your ex you really wanted to tell? (if you’re comfortable with that, ofc- feel free to ignore this)

Edit: THIS IS LONG AS FUCK IM SO SORRY- don’t read unless you want trauma(?) dumping about my ex :) this was a straight up therapy session, I broke all the “don’t trauma dump on the internet” rule. I apologize. Still posting it tho. Good luck :)

👀 which ex- the one I was talking about was my most recent, our relationship lasted a year and a half, we met online and met about 8 months or so in our relationship maybe less, I saw her twice in a matter of a year and a half, both for a week at a time I stayed at her house on whatever break I had available at the time, I think it was fall break and winter. SO NOW THAT BACKGROUND IS OVER.

She had a HUGE issue with me going to school- like any time I talked about it she was mad, any time I talked about wanting to go to college she would try and convince me not to go saying it was useless and it would be idiotic to go because education doesn’t matter because you die either way. We didn’t have many issues (at least ones that were brought up at the time we dated) but this was one of them. Just… me going to school. When I would try talking about it she said VERBATIM “don’t talk about school it makes me sad.” Because she dropped out.

Another was me working. I started worked at 16 and I’m 18 now. 17 when we broke up. I started working and applying to jobs when we were dating, this was when we started to have issues. I’d text her at work, I’d call at school but it never seemed to be enough, she needed to have all of my time or it wasn’t enough. It was getting to the point when I would literally count the minutes of the day I had alone. I still remember. 10 in the morning, 7 when I walked to work, if she didn’t call, and maybe 15 minutes before she called when I got home. This wouldn’t of been an issue but whenever I wanted to go to a school event or work an extra hour or just go out with friends it became a fight and I isolated myself so bad that my friends legitimately held a literal intervention. Sat me down and told me something had to change because I wasn’t my self anymore.

The next thing was therapy. She had.. issues which I won’t share on the internet but they were major and she needed help, something I couldn’t provide her, that I was probably too young to handle at the time, honestly anyone would be too young to handle, including her. Anyway 💅🏻 there were always two sides, I didn’t have it bad enough to need therapy and I shouldn’t go and that she needed it for years and never got it and I just got it when I asked for it OR that I was bipolar and impulsive,m and “crazy” when I did stuff like dye my hair or hang out with friends.

Lol this is long as fuck I’m sorry-

When I tried to tell her that I was gender whatever the fuck I am. Basically tried telling her I wanted to buy a binder and she told me as soon as the words left my mouth that she just couldn’t handle that and it was too much for her.

There was other things like this, like I was expected to handle everything she threw at me and basically got into trouble when I couldn’t handle her breakdowns or mental issues and tried my best but didn’t know what to do, but she always told me my depression or anxiety was nothing and there was no reason for me to have them. And when she told me I didn’t have enough trauma, and then I told her more, she said it was too upsetting to hear.

Also I’m 99% sure she cheated on me. She definitely emotionally cheated on me but I think she also slept with someone else.

WHICH IS JUST A WHOLE OTHER STORY, should I tell it? Hmmmm? Ask me if you want me to share it idc I will. No filter. Not one.

She slept with someone else 12 hours after we broke up and then called me crying about how this other girl didn’t like her and how bipolar she must be because “how can you sleep with someone but not like them.” And how much she liked her and then I asked why the hell she was talking to me about this when we had JUST broken up. We broke up, I went to bed, got to work and she called me doing this- it was weird. She also stayed at her house for two or three days before this happened 🫠

Some other stuff that didn’t bother me as much is that she smoked and did drugs, she’s actually the one who introduced me to weed. But she did it in excess, like every 30 minutes she would get high, every few hours she would smoke a cigarette, every other night she would drink. Her and her friends would get smashed. She was 16-18 when I knew her.

ALSO WE WATCHED YOUNG ROYALS TOGETHER AFTER WE BROKE UP, I WATCHED IT LIKE FIVE TIMES BEFORE THAT BUT WE LIKED IT TOGETHER AND I HATE THAT.

she also texted me 6 months after we broke up saying I was a dumb bitch.

The funny part is my first girlfriend, my other ex, WAY WORSE 🥴

I have some wild ass hookup stories too. I’m bored and willing to share everything on the internet so WHY NOT-

I feel as if you were probably looking for fun light hearted stories- sorry anon! I think I have some if I look hard enough in my file cabinet brain!

[seancamerons]

I have reason to believe something is going on that is kind of weird.

I’ve been waking up early lately for the past couple of weeks. I go to bed late, and don't feel tired with or without coffee. My eyes are burning, tingling as well as my cheeks. Idk if its because I started wearing my prescription glasses 2 years ago because my eyes have been hurting for several days lately. My eyes tear all the time. I believe I could be allergic to ingredients in some mascaras, I end up looking like a racoon or have to constantly wipe away fallout and prevent my eyes from burning. I’ve been putting more effort into my appearance, make up, hair and dress. I have all these ideas buzzing around my brain, I want to make xmas cards and such but I feel weird about all of this. I’m always avoiding being depressed or trying to keep my mind upbeat but Im feeling like this, in my gut is scary and possibly a potential warning. No naps the past couple of weeks. No depression, feeling ‘good’.

I just assume everything is fine but I feel like there’s warning signs happening when I had that bad time in 2015. One of the hardest things. I had to become more self-aware. Going forward from there, I had no experiences after my hospital stay. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to have problems. I usually get depressed near the holidays, now I feel good about them and excited, which I also fear getting bad again. I take my meds. Why am I feeling like this?

But yesterday, I woke up at 3:30am after going to sleep at 930-10 pm and I have stayed awake. I got tired around 4-5:00 pm and laid down and calmed down without my phone, without my computer and simply cleaned while listening to music. I’ve been non-stop for days. Very motivated, but I also feel unproductive.

It is currently 1 in the morning, overwhelmed, overloaded, not tired at all whatsoever. I’m trying to figure out what is going on. I think I’m suffering from stress related anxiety,adhd side-effects, and it’s affecting my mood. I honestly hope I am not having a relapse of mania. I haven’t had any issues in a long time. I hope it improves and doesn’t get bad. I desperately don’t want to ruin my life again. I have been doing so good for the time being and I thought I was doing good. I’m constantly over-thinking. I constantly have to feel like being mindful of what I say in any and all situations. I take so long to respond to friends and such. I feel like I’m constantly afraid of improvisational interpersonal difficulty.

I’ve been stressed financially for a long time, at least a few years. In the back of my mind I’m always thinking the worst. Outside I’m fine but inside I’m always a walking contradiction, my mind says one thing, my heart wants another and my brain too wants something completely different sometimes. I have trouble making some decisions. I don’t want to go back to therapy. I want to find a way to combat this before it gets out of control though. I don’t even know what the first steps are to start this.

Sometimes I wish I got therapy in college because I struggled badly through those years. I was absolutely miserable and I’m a nervous wreck at my own graduation. I hate making mistakes and shit I regret a lot about that time. I struggle now because of those decisions.

When I did get help it wasn’t until recently that I started feeling weird. I can’t calm down. I feel like I want to do fifty million things at once. This is really rough and bad. I’m going to try to calm down, wind down, get off the computer and get a little bit of sleep. Am I ok?

[oliviamillss]

reading dreams chart

im only going to use up to orb 3, for stronger accuracy lmao

**if you can’t be bothered to read it all, theres a summary paragraph at the bottom**

sun:

sun in 7th: strong emphasis on relationships. tends to copy others lingo/habits. extroverted. probably ‘needs’ others. only really shows his true self around his close friends/family/partners. 

sun at 19 degrees: a libra degree. (emphasis on this bc libra rules 7h), makes him a very charming, likeable, particularly popular guy.

sun opposite ascendant: inner conflict, probably doesn’t feel like people see him for his true self, may struggle showing true self. may feel misunderstood. may need approval/validation a lot.

sun square mars: hints to daddy issues. may struggle with a lot of built up anger and frustration, but it seems like he takes it out very positively, as you can see he is competitive, so i think he lets it out through gaming. probably very energetic, motivated.

sun square saturn: high expectations for himself. probably the type of person to think ‘i’m only good enough if i do this’. probably very hard on himself. also probably very insecure of himself, but doesn’t show it. another sun square masculine planet, more hinting to daddy issues.

moon:

moon in 7th: probably relies on close friends/family/partners a lot. loves to help people, esp people he’s close with (kinda mr beast vibes). probably very like ‘oh shit, he’s sad, i need to do everything within my power to cheer him up’ if that makes sense lmao

moon in virgo: looking after people!!! esp with the sun square saturn,, high expectations. probably a very much perfectionist, which also explains why he is competitive. may ‘always need to be right’. but virgo moons are actually so lovely omfg

moon at 9 degrees: sagittarius degree, likes to help people by optimism, and giving things to the person that they would want (im aware that sounds obvious lmao). probably feels a sense of achievement when cheers them up.

moon square pluto: probably hard time dealing with and growing from negative things that have happened, possibly struggles with letting things go. possibly self destructive (why did that one heatwaves part come to mind), possible trust issues + anxiety, probably very particular about who he lets close into his life, maybe quite protective. 

mercury:

mercury in 6th: likes to help people, probably not disappointed if he spends his time working with someone, may struggle with anxiety/depression. a quick learner, probably overthink every word because it wast the ‘perfect’ thing to say. 

mercury in leo: funny asf, and out there, also thinks his ideas/things to respond and say are the best, with the 6h and 7h placements, he is open to listen to others, but in the end he only really wants his one lmfao, good with conversation.

mercury at 1 degree: aries degree, another fire placement which emphasises the loud, out there kinda vibes.

mercury trine mc: career and reputation are strongly linked with what he says. (this is obv bc hes famous lmao). he’s smart, particularly with technology and its linked to his career. *im aware this sounds like im just describing him, this is exact so thats why its overly accurate*

mercury opposite neptune: daydreamer, probably has a lot of thoughts and ideas in his head, but they just dont come across right. probably zones out, may struggle with focusing. but very creative, has big and creative ideas. i havent mentioned it before but its come up too many times now, but he has a lot of placements, when manifested badly, creates a good manipulator

mercury square jupiter: optimistic, possibly thinks his ideas are the best (we’ve covered that before), can be really overly talkative or just nothing at all. (i rlly dont know much about this placement)

venus:

venus in 7th: he will have a beautiful relationship with his future partner. charming asfff, probably a good flirt. tends to love love. needs to be liked, sort of a pleaser. 

venus in virgo: the type of person to remember everything about the people he cares about. loves to help the people he cares about. probably sees the people he truly loves as ‘perfect’, which may end up being really bad if they’re toxic. 

venus in retrograde: struggles feeling loved, possibly feels like he doesn’t deserve love. probably the type to be like ‘how could you ever love me?’

venus square mc: attract people who take care of him. either has self-esteem issues, or is quite a dependant person. creative. may struggle finding people who support his career, or may have to change a few things about himself to be liked by others. 

venus trine jupiter: very likeable, and he’s veryyy lucky. he’s funny, and a generous person, probably very giving to his close friends and family. charismatic asfff, likely he will marry someone foreign. 

mars:

mars in 9th: more things hinting to attract(ing/ed to) foreigners. loves experiencing things with people he cares about. likes to learn more and more, possibly stubborn, makes sure his opinions are known.

mars in scorpio: that boy needs privacy in his life, doesn’t like being predictable. probably an overthinker. we’ve already known this but he’s definitely a top. probably could get anyone he wants, seductive asfff. also pretty spiteful.

mars at 17 degrees: leo degree, fame bitchesss

mars square ascendant: hates to lose, competitive. people may be intimidated by him at first, can’t really hide anger, pretty stubborn.

mars opposite saturn: really hard on himself. wants to be the best of the best, leader. stands up for himself. another placement hinting to daddy issues. harsh about his work, and himself in general, perfectionist. 

mars square uranus: anger may change a lot, a lot of energy, probably struggles to focus, doesn’t like to be the one who is being controlled/has restrictions. probably struggles with authority. outbursts of anger.

jupiter

jupiter in 3rd house: loves writing, and is actually pretty good at it. knows how to talk to people, how to persuade them, and how to manipulate them. good liar, knows how to sell his wants across, how to get what he wants.

jupiter at 4 degrees: cancer degree, cancer rules his 6h. he uses his luck/money to help others.

jupiter square neptune: big dreams, desire to escape the world as it is.

saturn:

saturn in 3rd: afraid of/ is often misunderstood. struggles to open up?, maybe he wasn’t listened to much growing up. hard on himself academically, feels like he isn’t smart enough. hard time expressing himself. maybe feels like noone really cares for what he has to say?

saturn at 16 degrees: cancer degree. idk what else to say abt it lmaoo

saturn square ascendant: quite serious, maybe struggle with the way he looks? possibly quite overwhelmed about his life,, feels like he has too much to do at times. fear of rejectionnn

saturn square uranus: maybe he doesn’t like change, tradition v change clashing. authority troubles. probably needs freedom, but feels unstable without what he’s used to. rebelling against norms. 

uranus: 

uranus in 12th: probably very curious about unexplainable things, maybe quite into conspiracy theories. two complete ends of the spectrum: fear change/need it, unpredictable things happen/ everythings the same. 

uranus at 14 degrees: taurus. taurus ruling 2nd, i guess it shows change in dream’s wealth.

uranus opposite north node (and conj south node): with exceptions, doesn’t like conflict. he is fine with joke conflict, but the second there’s an actual argument he tries to be the ‘peacemaker’ guy. technology is major in his life. also quite nervous about his career/future. 

neptune:

neptune in 12th: awful sleep schedule. overworking himself, never relaxing. vivid dreams. once again, this has come up loads and i just haven’t mentioned it: intuitive asf, george is the same. whether either are aware of it or not, they are super intuitive.

neptune at 2 degrees: taurus degree.

neptune sextile mc: creative, also likes helping others, empathy to the public. has big dreams career wise. 

pluto:

pluto in 10th: determined person, gets a lot of hate, but also a lot of love. trust issues, persuasion/manipulative abilities. leader leader leader. another hint to daddy issues, maybe privacy invading, maybe overprotective. don’t want to be controlled.

north node:

north node in 6th: overwork himself. but i think we can interpret this as his life goal to be working to help people. literally mr beast. just work hard, and give a lot away. humble.

chiron:

chiron in 9th: possible restriction from either his or his communities beliefs/religions. maybe he’s afraid of leaving where he is right now (sapnap moving to orlando, whenever its brought up its always george coming to orlando)

lilith:

lilith in sagittarius: need for truth. dislikes restrictions. hides emotions, uses humour to avoid them/ make people think they’re okay when they’re not. stubborn asf. 

lilith in 10th: tend to be sexualised/ reputations for being sexual. another placement hinting to daddy issues. really wants to be at the top, the most powerful. likes using his dominance/ power to seduce. motivateddd.

lilith conjunct pluto (exact omfg): typical ‘mystery’ guy. probably the mystery/scorpio vibes he pulls off attracts/ seduces people. the most dominant partner ever. sex is probably so intense and overwhelming

moon square lilith: possible mummy issues. his need for sex can change quick asf, from one end of the scale to another. struggles to open up. 

 i ought to mention!!

there’s a theory that the degree of your venus sign is the birthday of someone who is v important in your life. what’s dreams you may ask? 1. and when are george and sapnap’s birthdays? the 1st. they’re soulmates, your honour.

summary!!!

basically, dream has so much care and love for his friends and family, and probably relies on them a lot. he only shows his true self around them, and he (at least thinks) people don’t really understand him in the way his friends and family do. he is a social person, who’s very likeable and charming. he lovesss helping people, doing everything in his power to cheer others up, he remembers details about the people he loves. he is such a perfectionist, needing to succeed and win and everything, and is very competitive. he probably doesn’t think he’s ‘worthy’ if he’s bad at something. he sets very high expectations for himself. he is very hard on himself. if he wants to, he knows how to manipulate people. he has so so many placements for an amazing manipulator. he may struggle to express himself or open up, and may be hard on himself academically. maybe he doesn’t feel ‘listened to’. a lot of emotions like anger and sex drive may change rapidly for him. he over works himself a lot. a major theme in his life is tradition vs change. he is probably afraid of change, or finds it uncomfortable, or he may have some sort of attachment to traditional values/things, no matter how much he wants to change. he is also a peacemaker. he was born to be loved or hated, kinda like marmite but if the balance was more equal. he doesn’t like restrictions. he uses humour to hide his emotions.

im also thinking of doing a synastry reading between george and dream but idk yet lol

hope you guys enjoyed, this took ages lmao<3

[capaimagines]

im changkyun - i’ll always be there

Pairing: Im Changkyun x Reader | Genre: angst & fluff | Warnings: anxiety/panic attack, mentions of depression, self-depreciating thoughts, mild self-harm (unintentional) | WC: 2.0k

Request: Hi loves! Can I please request a changkyun fic where the reader suffers from serious anxiety and depression and she tries really hard for him to go out and she does but breaks down and has a panic attack and he doesn't know what to do because he is unaware of her condition

Changkyun knew that you were more of homebody. He’d known that since you were kids. The two of you had been friends since you were little. Your mom’s were best friends which meant most of his weekends were spent being dragged to yours to play while your mom’s chatted and did their thing.

Changkyun was always more adventurous than you, he enjoyed exploring and meeting new people. You could never understand how two people who were polar opposites could get along but it worked for you two. However, Changkyun wasn’t aware of just how bad your anxiety about going out was, or more importantly, how low you have been feeling recently.

He knew you really struggled with your emotions and he always did his best to pick you up and be there for you. When you had been offered the perfect job; working from home and only having to go into the office for large meetings every so often, you were ecstatic. Though that meant you had to move to the city. You were ready to turn the opportunity down until Changkyun, like he always did, came to be your knight in shining armor.

So the two of you moved out and lived together. You felt guilty for taking him away from all his friends and family, but he always assured you over and over again that he was fine and this was a new adventure for him also.  He did well living in the city, he was able to land a job as producer for a large company and while there were nights where he didn’t come home, he truly seemed to be enjoying himself.

However, you were struggling. A terrible downside of being too nervous to leave the comfort of your apartment always led to your depression coming back. You would manage small walks here and there to try and get out and soak in the sun, but you would quickly return home mid panic attack.

Changkyun wasn’t too aware of all this. He had been working later and later recently and he had barely been home all week. You were spiraling into the black abyss and you couldn’t pull yourself out. You could at least manage to shower and seem normal when Changkyun was home, but the moment he left, you were stuck alone with your thoughts.

Your head was constantly telling you that no one would want you as a friend. That Changkyun was just taking pity on you, he was tired of you or you were too plain, too boring. You deserved to be alone and you were starting to believe that was your destiny. To be alone with no one around. To live in the dark hole for the rest of your life.

You snapped out of your thoughts at the sound of your phone ringing. You couldn’t even muster up the energy to smile at Changkyun’s name.  

“Y/N?” You hadn’t even realized you picked it up.  

“O-oh. Changkyun-ah,” If he noticed how tired you sounded he didn’t say anything.  

“Hey, my friends would really like to meet you. We’re supposed to be getting dinner in a few hours and they asked me to invite you. Can you come? Please? It’d be nice to get you out of the apartment and I promise you it will be fun!” Inwardly you were already starting to panic. Saying no to Changkyun was something you always had trouble with.

“Okay,” You mustered out and Changkyun promised to pick you up in a few hours. You shakily stood on your legs and gave yourself a cold shower. You had hoped it would knock the anxiety bubbling up but it didn’t. You didn’t know how you were going to make it through a meal with strangers, but you didn’t want to embarrass Changkyun either.

You already embarrass him.

His friends are going to think you’re weird.

You don’t deserve a friend like Changkyun.

You sighed, shaking your head. You had to do this for him, he never asked you for much. This wasn’t anything big. He simply just wanted you to meet his friends. Two hours later you were sitting on the couch in the best clothes you owned, leg bouncing up at down. You were squeezing your hands together in hopes to quell the anxiety. Though It was no use.

The minute Changkyun walked in and called your name you felt your heart rate spike. You didn’t know if you could do this, but there your best friend stood, in his skinny jeans and t-shirt with a large smile on his face. You couldn’t let him down. You always let him down.  

“You okay?” He questioned which you blinked at him and offered what you hoped was a happy smile and nodded slightly.  

“Y-yeah. I’m fine. Let’s go!”

You hooked your arm in his and he smiled brightly down at you before leading you to the car. The whole way to the restaurant Changkyun was talking about something that you didn’t catch a word of. Your eyes were trained on the windshield, heart pounding in your chest. You felt warm, too warm. You felt lightheaded and like you couldn’t breathe.  

“P-pull over,” You stuttered

“What?” Changkyun asked confusedly.

“Changkyun, please,” You pleaded, “ I-I need you to pull over.”

You felt like you were going to vomit. It felt all too small and crowded in the car. There wasn’t enough air. Changkyun pulled over, worried. Encasing his features as you stumbled out of the car as you leaned against the brick wall of whatever building was in front of you. Your breathing was erratic, the cold air was doing nothing to quell what felt like fire on your skin. You were dizzy, the world was spinning.

You slid down, placing your back against the cool bricks and trying to control your breathing, trying to feel anything but the pins and needles in your fingertips. Your legs felt numb. There were too many people walking around, too many people staring at you. You started gasping for air, fingernails digging into your forearm. You didn’t feel the sting when they broke the skin.

“Y/N! Hey! Y/N!” You knew that was Changkyun’s voice, but it sounded so panicked. He sounded scared, worried. You could feel a warmth grab your hands and you looked down trying to find the source. Changkyun was holding your hands in his, pulling them away from your arm. You noticed the little specks of blood on your forearm. When did that happen?

“Y/N!” Changkyun raised his voice slightly, “I need you to look at me!” You felt his calloused hands roughly grab at your chin and through your gazed look you could make out Changkyun’s worried orbs.

“C-Changkyun?” You stuttered weakly. It felt a little easier to breathe.  

“It’s me honey. L-let’s get you home, okay? ”You somehow managed to nod and he pulled you up as you leaned all your weight against him. You were mentally and physically drained.

He sat you in the car and ran around, turning back towards your home. He didn’t say anything, but you could hear how his fingers were drumming on the steering wheel. You felt guilty. Extremely guilty. All he wanted from you was to have one meal with his friends and you couldn’t even make it there. You don’t deserve him. You hold him back from so much. He left everything for you and you can’t even go out for a meal with him.

You let your thoughts take over, falling deeper and deeper into the darkness clouding you. You hadn’t even noticed you were back at your apartment building until Changkyun lightly grabbed your arm. His eyes scanned yours for what felt like hours but was only a few seconds. He was trying to find answers, trying to understand what had just happened.

You shakily followed him back into your apartment and went straight to your room. You collapsed on your bed, curling into the fetal position with a plushy he had won you at some stupid carnival when you were teenagers in between you. You let the tears fall, hating yourself for how pathetic you had become.  Your thoughts were right. Changkyun would be much better off without you.

You hadn’t heard him walk in or feel him sit down on the bed next to your feet. He was watching you, observing you. When had the circles under your eyes become so big and dark? Why did it look like you had lost more weight? Had he been so busy he didn’t even notice how bad his best friend was hurting? How much you needed him?

“Y/N,” He murmured and your breath hitched. You sat up, throwing your arms around his neck and sobbing into his shoulder.  

“I’m so s-s-sorry, Kyun. I’m so s-sorry! I-I can’t do anything! I can’t e-even go out f-f-for a proper meal w-with you! I’m such a waste of a human!” His eyes were wide as you blabbered on about how you were a terrible person and friend.

How you sobbed about how sorry you were for holding him back, for making him feel like he needs to stay here with you. He pulled you away from his shoulder, tears and snot running down your face as he just stared at you. You continued to sob and he gently started wiping tears away and cleaning your nose with the tissues by your bed.  

“Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice was low and you were surprised you heard it over your cries.

“There was nothing to tell. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. You should go meet your friends,” Whatever emotions that had just exploded out of you were now gone. Now you just sounded empty, felt empty. You were tired and you just wanted to sleep. You pulled away from his grasp and laid down, staring at the wall in front of you.  

“Are you fucking joking me?” He replied back harshly.

You winced a little at his harsh tone. You’d only seen him angry a handful of times but it was never directed at you, “You think I’m just going to go see my friends when you’re feeling like this? Are you stupid?” He was kneeling in front of you now, in your line of vision. You couldn’t say anything. You were too tired now.

“You’re my best fucking friend, L/N Y/N. I am not leaving you. I’m here. I’m always here,” His voice was low again, but desperate. He needed you to know that he was there for you, always. That you are one of the most important people in his life, if not, the most important, “You do not hold me back. You aren’t a shitty friend.”

He made sure you were listening to him, hearing him.

“You’re one of the best people in my life. You always have been. You make me laugh. You always make sure there’s food waiting for me whether I come home or not. You do my laundry because you know that I’ll shrink it. You text me every day and scold me to eat and drink water. You have food delivered to my studio,” He continued to ramble.

You felt a new wave of tears sting your eyes, “You,” He grabbed your hand with one of his and squeezed it tight, “You are my person. My best friend. I am always here. When you’re sad, when you’re mad, when you feel nothing. I’m here. I’ll always be here Y/N,” You squeezed his hand back with as much strength as you could muster. He smiled. He knew you were too tired to speak but he knew you heard him.

“Now scooch over. We’re watching your favorite movie, I’ll order us some takeout and we’re going to cuddle until I see a genuine smile on your face, dammit,” You let out a small chuckle and moved over. He smiled weakly down at you before crawling next to you and pulling your head to his chest. This was your best friend. This was your person. You couldn’t let yourself doubt that, ever.

“I’ll always be there,” He murmured as you closed your eyes.

[mashiraostail]

I've been having a lot more depressive episodes lately.(dw, im getting help) But, can i have Nemuri and Aizawa comforting a s/o who just had a depressive episode? You don't have to do it if you're not comfortable with the topic, but if you do thank you so much

Thanks for the request! I can do this for sure and I hope it helps! As someone who is also depressed I put some lil tidbits from my own struggles in here (specifically the gargantuous amount of energy turning the shower knob can take me and how that simple action has literally stopped me showering for weeks) If you’re struggling right now please remember to extend your body the same kindness you so consistently extend to other people!! Even by sitting here reading my writing you’re being so amazingly kind to me!! Project that back onto yourself and give yourself a reward, a glass of water at your favorite temperature, or even a snack if you can stomach it! It’s easy to drown ourselves in comfort content and neglect tangible acts of self love but I promise the energy will be worth it!

Nemuri: It’d been a while since Nemuri heard from you, and even longer since she’s seen you, which was rare. You didn’t drop off the face of the planet or anything but you had been evading her invitations to go out or even just to spend a night with her. She wanted to avoid showing up unannounced but it was becoming concerning. The last thing she wanted was to make you think she didn’t trust you or to startle you, but whenever she brought it up you brushed her off. She hated the idea of you being sick or even just swamped with work all alone when she was more than capable of helping you out. Eventually she just decides to show up, she texts you first but you don’t even appear to open it, she just had a bad feeling and if hero-work taught her anything it was to always trust a bad feeling.  She knocks on your front door for a while to no avail, ringing the bell intermittently, she’s just met with silence. Her key works which at least is a good sign that you didn’t pack up and move across the country or something.  “Hello??” She wanders into the apartment. It’s dark and radio silent. But there are dishes in the sink, your shoes strewn around the entryway and your bag on the table.  “You here??” You were definitely here, your car keys were on the couch and your usual walking around sneakers...or. one of them was underneath the coffee table.  She decides to check your bedroom.  “I’m gonna open the door okay?? If you aren’t decent now’s the time to say it don’t freak out at me okay?? I’m opening the door now.” She opens the door with covered eyes. “Hello?” She peeks between her fingers and is greeted with the sight of you, or the lump that is probably you, curled up underneath your duvet.  “Nemuri.” Your head pokes up overtop your pile of pillows and the fluff of your comforter.  “Well hello!” She piques, clearly relieved to see you, “good morning to you sleeping beauty, though it is 4 in the afternoon.” She pushes the door open the rest of the way and enters the room.  “What’s up?” She leans against your dresser, “where have you been?”  “Where does it look like I’ve been?” You sigh.  “What’re you a vampire or something now? Decided to go fully nocturnal?” She grins but you don’t mimic her amusement.  “What’s wrong babe? I’ve done like 4 things that you would have laughed at by now. Something’s obviously wrong. I texted you and called but you didn’t reply...are you upset with me? This isn’t how you normally act when you’re upset with me...” She wrings her hands together, “normally you come to see me all the time, I’m not saying you have to be inseparable from me or anything but...well this just isn’t like you..if I made you mad I’d rather you tell me babe since I’m clueless..”   You sigh, suddenly feeling guilty for your radio silence for the past few days and the increasing distance you’d put between the pair of you for the past week or so now. It was intentional you just shut down and you didn’t mean to but everything was a chore, even the things you loved, sometimes especially the things you loved.  “No...it’s not you.”  “Well I’m...” She looked confused, “I’m glad to hear that but I’m still kinda lost. Are you sick? Did someone else make you upset? If someone else is giving you problems you need to tell me.” Having the green light gets her to venture further into your bedroom and sit on the edge of your mattress, “I can set some people straight if that’s the problem.”  “No it’s..nobody...no one is giving me any trouble that’s not it.” You also suddenly feel sort of stupid. You don’t even know what put this on. One day you were fine and the next you were worse, and then next was worse and the next was worse than that until you ended up where you were now. In bed 5 days removed of a shower where your one meal of the day consisted of a plain bagel sometimes toasted other times not.  “No one?” She reaches out and holds the bend of your knees, “are you sure?” You nod. “Okay then...well what is it? I wanna help but you’ve gotta let me know how.”  “I just...” You scrub your face, “I just...it’s been a really bad week or..2 weeks or..however long. I don’t know. I feel so depressed and exhausted and everything is annoying and tiring and no matter how much I sleep I can’t seem to stay awake.” She takes in a breath at that and nods with it.  “Oh. OH. Well now I feel stupid pulling away so much. I just didn’t wanna be overbearing and offend you or..well...well what’s up? What set all this on? Did something happen to...to make you feel upset or?”  “I don’t know...I just think I haven’t been taking good enough care of myself. I’ve been slacking and procrastinating and then I got overwhelmed and then I got upset and now...I’m here. I just feel like such an idiot and now to think I made you think I was upset with you because I was too-”  “Don’t even finish that sentence.” Nemuri shushes you, “it’s alright. Really you don’t have to feel bad about that. I get it, I understand now so it’s okay. I’m sorry for making it about me.” Her hand moves up to squeeze your thigh.  “I wanna do everything I can to help okay? Whatever I can do to help you come out on top with this thing...” Her other hand squeezes your lower arm, “I don’t want you to feel like you can’t come to me with this sort of thing okay? We don’t have to get into the...deep emotional part of it if you don’t wanna talk about that with me. But we can start small can’t we? When’s the last time you had something to drink?” She looks at the empty glasses on your bedside table. “And when’s the last time you ate or took a shower?”  The face you make at that tells her more than enough.  “Okay you don’t have to answer that.” She reaches out tuck your hair back but you flinch away from it, the last thing she need to feel was your dirty hair.  “Come on with that.” She sighs, “I don’t think you’re gross. I’m not grossed out at all okay? I promise. I’ve had my fair share of shower protests. It’s in the job description, no ones perfect. I love you, smelly or not. Now hold still and let me give you a kiss.”  You relent at that. She presses a long kiss to your temple, sighing into your skin, “I’m sorry you feel this way. I don’t wan you to feel this way ever..so let’s start small.. How about a nice bath, yeah? I’ll set one up for you you can soak in it for a bit, while you do that I’ll clean up around here, change your sheets and...work on that.. situation.. in the sink, then when you’re ready I’ll come wash your hair for you. After that you can relax in the bath a little more, shave if that’s something that will make you feel good, or I could put some conditioner in your hair. Or you can just sit in a nice warm bath with a cold bottle of water and get your energy back up. I’ll get you some real food in the mean time.”  She doesn’t poke or prod for information, she washes your hair with the same care and consideration that went into most of the things she did, she didn’t ask to join you, or to stay. She asked if you wanted to be alone for a little bit longer and left you to it when you confessed that you did only poking in to leave ‘the comfiest looking pajamas I could find’ for when you were done cleaning up. You manage to get yourself up and out of the bath without having to call for the help or extra motivation to do it. She only looks delighted to see you.   “How’d the bath go? Did I use enough bubbles?”  “It was nice..I didn’t realize how..far gone I was..I feel better..” You rub your arm, if she’s at all perturbed by your confession it’s not detectable.  “Yeah?? I had a feeling it would help. Now come here. I really want a hug.” She pats the empty bed beside her and you make your way over.  “Good, there you are.” She wraps her arms around you and sighs, “I missed you.” She tucks you easily into her chest, her free hand scratching the nape of your neck, “don’t apologize for that.” She stops you before you can talk.  “I ordered some food from that place you like. I wanted to make something so you could get some food in you a little faster but...you’re running a little low on raw materials.” She combs her fingers through your wet hair, “it’s okay though having your favorite might make you feel a little better.”  “Yeah..thanks for being here.” You close your eyes, still exhausted but your chest felt lighter, your whole body felt lighter.  “Of course. I only wish I came sooner but...” She pulls back and looks at you, holding the base of your skull in her hands, “I get wanting to be alone sometimes. Needing space to get your feet on the ground is normal but...don’t be afraid to ask for my help either. If there ever is a time that you want me here, need me here even...I want to be here. I know I can rely on you so I hope you know you can rely on me too.” She presses a long kiss to your forehead at that.  “I think I’ll feel a lot better tomorrow.” Your voice is quiet and your fingers brush against her collarbone. “That’s good.” Her palm pulls your hair off your forehead, “in the meantime I’ll be here to help you get there.” 

Aizawa:  Aizawa was an introvert himself. He liked being around other people at times of course but sometimes he just needed a quiet room to recharge. He figured you did too, and plus you were both plenty busy. For the most part he trusted your judgement and tended to not be very insecure when it came to how much time you spent together. He liked being around you, and would rather be with you than not for the most part but he understood probably better than anyone what exhaustion can do to a person. If you were tired then you could recharge. That being said he wouldn’t avoid you if he saw you out and about, and he saw you out and about.  It was actually late for you to be out, late for anyone to be out really. You were leaving a convince store and he was getting ready to call it a night with patrolling.  “Hey.” The way you jump out of your skin at his voice tells him he maybe should have approached you with noisier steps.  “Sorry.”  “It’s okay.” You clutch the bag you were holding, “I just thought I was getting mugged is all.”  “You think there are criminals running around when I’m out here? I don’t know if I should be insulted.” He teases a little and you jump.  “That isn’t how I meant-”  “I know.” He chuckles, “I know. What are you doing out so late? It’s almost midnight.”  “I...had to get some stuff.. You bounce nervously on the balls of your feet, the last thing you needed was him seeing you like this. It was the first time you’d gone out in like 2 weeks, you were sure you looked as terrible as you felt.  “You don’t look very happy to see me.” Ever intuitive. You supposed you didn’t keep it much of a secret, the first thing you did whenever you saw him was reach out for him, his hand, his arm, his waist, you just wanted to touch. Or normally you did, but now all you wanted to do was get away.  “I’m just...exhausted. Sorry I am happy to see you. I’m always happy to see you.” You rub your eyes, “like you said, it’s late.”  “It is late.” He agrees, “I’m finished here.”  “O-oh that’s good..are you hurt at all?”  “No, slow night...but.. why don’t we spend the night together? Since we’re both here.”  He didn’t need to see the state of your apartment.  “U-uh okay yeah we can go to yours..” “You’re closer.” He raises his eyebrows, letting his goggles fall around his neck, “and you just bought stuff. I’m assuming it’s for your apartment not mine.” He peeks into the bag, “I don’t remember sending you a midnight shopping list.”  “W-well yeah but there’s school tomorrow and you’re closer so it’s probably easier for you and-”  “You’re an extra five minutes out.” He laughs at that, “and unless you trashed all my things in the week I went without seeing you I have plenty of stuff to wear at your place.”  “Y-yeah I mean..that is true.”  He raises one eyebrow at you, “so?” You couldn’t think of a good reason to say no, the mountain of dishes in your sink, the full washer and dryer and 2 baskets of unfolded laundry didn’t seem like an excuse, especially considering it was knowledge you wanted to withhold from him in the first place.  “Y-yeah sure..it has been a while.”  “Alright, let’s go then.” He reaches out and takes your bags from you batting your hand away as you try to stop him.  “You’ve been working-”  “I got it. It’s fine come on. You really shouldn’t be out so late by yourself you know.”  “You’re probably right..” You murmur, making to follow him down the road.  He doesn’t pry about your jittery state, he asks a few question about how your day went and seems to back down even more when you take a hold of his arm on your walk.  “It really is slow tonight.” He looks around, “at least you picked a good night for a midnight excursion.” He nudges you a little playfully and you hum.  You wanted to be more engaging but every step brought you closer to the impending doom that would be Shota seeing the abysmal state in which you were living.  Once you get to the front door you realized you didn’t have your keys.  “I...” You look at your shoes and he leans against the wall.  “What’s up?”  “I don’t have my keys..”  “You really are lucky you ran into me.” He straightens up and shifts the bags to one arm to fish around in his pocket, “I’ve got one. Are you feeling alright?” You don’t reply because...well he’d figure it out.  “Please don’t say anything rude.” You warble mostly to yourself as the lock clicks, he pushes the door open. “What do you mean don’t say anything rude, why would I-” He clicks the light on as he steps inside. Oh it’s worse than you remembered. How’d your laundry get to the couch? And why did you get a new glass every time you wanted water? Especially when you didn't drink it half the time. Everything is clearer in hindsight.  “Oh.” He sets the bags down on the coffee table, which is really the only clear surface in a 10 foot radius of him.  “I’m sorry.” You groan, slumping into the wall and scrubbing your face, “I’m so gross-”  “I didn’t say that...But let me ask again.”  He turns to you, “are you feeling alright?”  “Not really no..” You look down again and he starts to pick up some of the glasses.  “The sink isn’t any better..” You warn him, hugging your chest.  “Yeah I figured.” He turns to you, arms full of various aspects of your mess. “Don’t look so guilty. Come on.” He nods you towards your kitchen, you figure the least you can do is pick up a few spoons, bowls and glasses on your way in.  “You don’t have to clean up after my stupid mess I-”  “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” He shakes his head, “you don’t feel good. I wish you’d said something sooner. I would have come when you asked.”  “Don’t feel bad.” You murmur, “I wasn’t ready anyways.”  “Come here.” He holds an arm out and you cringe, “I probably smell terrible I haven’t-”  “It’s okay. It’s all okay. I’m not holding any of this against you, no one is. Come on. Over here.” So you shuffle into his chest, eventually wrapping tired arms around his ribs.  “Does this help?” He’s rubbing long strokes up your back, his palm his firm against you every stroke pushing you a little closer. You just nod into his chest.  “Did something happen? Did someone upset you? Or are you just having a hard time right now?”  “I’m just having a hard time.” You reply, trying not to let your voice sound to wet or warbly. “Cry if you want to. If you need to. It’s okay. I won’t hold that against you either. Sometimes the best thing you can do is cry. I’ll be here for you while you do.” It’s not loud hiccup-y sobs, you aren’t bawling and sniffling. It sounds just as tired as the rest of you, it’s listless and exhausted and downright empty. It honestly hurt him to hear it a little. He’s been there too.  One hand holds the back of your head the other keeps running those lines up your back pressing between your shoulder blades.  “What do you think about taking a shower?” His fingers glide along the hem of your tee shirt, grazing your neck lightly. “It’s not that I don’t want to-”  “I know. Hey, I know.” He pulls you away and slicks your hair back, “but you’re neglecting your body right now. Even if you don’t mean to. Your skin and hair will be really thankful for a shower right now. How can I help you get there?”  He takes you to the bathroom and carefully undresses you going as far to turn the shower nob for you.  “Sit if you need to.” He reminds you, gathering your clothes off the ground, “I’m going to leave the door open so call me if there’s anything you can’t do, but I’ll come check on you in 10 minutes okay? Is there anything you don’t want me touching or cleaning without you? Is there anything that’s off limits?”  “No...it’s okay...I just feel bad you’ve been working and now-”  “Don’t feel bad. I’m not doing anything that you wouldn’t do for me. Take your shower, I’ll come back in a few minutes after I fold up the laundry out here. Try to stay focused.”  “Thank you.” You nod and squeezes your shoulder.  “You’re welcome. And thank you for trusting me.”  He helps you out of the shower and wraps you in a towel. In the time you’d spent in the shower he’d gotten most of your dishes into the dish washer and you could see your couch again.  “New sheets.” He kisses your temple, “you ready to go to sleep?”  You nod as he tosses a tee shirt to you.  “Tomorrow morning you’re gonna eat a good breakfast with me right?”  “I don’t really have much to cook with-” “We’ll make it work.” He leans back against the pillows, “don’t worry about it now. Right now just focus on getting some sleep, real genuinely restful sleep. Wake me up if you need me.” 

[quarantineddreamer]

i’ve been absent, and i can’t be sorry (it’s been necessary), but i do miss this community and having the energy/time to participate.

in truth, it’s been a challenging past few months for me...

don’t want to bore anyone, so details below (tw: depression, anxiety, parental troubles, covid)

i was really fortunate to be really close to my family growing up. i had a great relationship with my parents. which is why it has been that much more painful for me this past year to have them slowly driven from me by the absurdity of current politics. i didn’t see it coming, i didn’t think my parents could become science deniers. and yet here i am...

i tried with everything i had to teach/reach them, but ultimately the stress of it all was causing my anxiety to reach extremely unhealthy levels. for my own health and sanity, i wrote them a long, heartfelt letter explaining why i would not be talking to them for the time being (as they refused to get vaccinated and began to behave dangerously, no masks, frequent outings, seeing lots of people). that was july. 

august my parents visited my hometown. i did not see them or speak to them. my birthday passed, i did not see them or speak to them... 

i spoke with my mother once, in september...and it’s all still just as bad. there was shouting, cursing, crying (mostly me tbh). she’s stubbornly clinging to her beliefs drilled into her by right-wing media. i wont get into them, but it’s conspiracy level bad... she got covid, she kept it from me and my brother until afterwards. miraculously she was okay despite taking “medicine” that has been proven to be ineffective against covid and potentially dangerous while sick to boot... it’s made her even more determined to cling to her insane theories about the vaccine, covid treatments, the government all of it... 

i told her my life would continue without her and dad: i might get engaged (probably would have on my anniversary except my partner felt bad i wasnt talking to them at the time), married, who knows... covid isn’t going away anytime soon, and i cant agree to disagree with her on this. it matters too much to me that they be safe. if i let it go and something were to happen to her and my dad...i’d never forgive myself for it. 

i’m not saying mine is the correct approach. i have been plagued with doubt and guilt off and on. my mom has used language that makes me feel like this is all my fault, for being anxious, for being depressed, for not just letting her have her dangerous opinions... but at the end of the day despite the pain and grief i feel for not having my parents right now, i am still better off than i was before. fewer panic attacks, able to focus at work, able to at least sleep some now. 

i started anti-depressants when my mental health hit an all-time low during all of this, and they’ve been helping too. i really didn’t want to get back on them, but i believe they’ve saved my life. 

sadly, between all this (and busy times at work) i’ve had very little time, focus, or motivation to write. i’ve barely been on here. to be completely honest, naps after work are common. the extra rest has become important. i’ve developed a sudden interest in true crime documentaries and sad movies?? i was very confused by this at first, since i’ve never ever had an interest before, but my therapist says its how im processing my trauma and grief lol 

but why write all this out on tumblr, B? well... i like to scream into the abyss here, and i also want to be completely open about my struggles and mental health, because i was at my worst when i felt utterly alone, and if this post helps even one person who might be experiencing similar feel less alone than it’s worth it.

and i also wanted to let this community know why i’ve suddenly dropped off because it is a place that has brought my joy even during the chaos of the past year or so. i am going to be participating in the upcoming zkmbb and still have my other projects ready and waiting for me to return, but for now, the queue is going to be up and running and i’ll be a bit quieter as i fight my way through this and have to dedicate extra time to self-care.

i hope no one relates to this post, i really do, because it all hurts a lot and i dont want anyone to feel this pain, but if you do? you are a warrior, i admire your strength and courage --and i am sending you so much love.

best wishes all,

B

[watermelonlovershigh]

Hi bestie :) I have suffered from a deep depression twice in the last two years and a half, once lasted for months and the other one a little more than a month… so my experience with that and with therapy is that depression is far more than just being sad (you are right)

There are other symptoms of depression that are a little more unnoticeable, some of the ones I experienced the most were: difficulty falling asleep (it could be insomnia, a way of SH, anxiety, or just not “tired), lost interest in things I really like (hobbies, movies, music), I felt emotionally drained all the time so there was a point I was beyond sad, I felt nothing (no joy, no sadness, no anger) , I felt my life and everything I did like studying had no meaning so it became really hard for me to do basic things like taking a shower or brushing my teeth, and I was tired all the time, all I wanted to do was lay on my bed or the floor and stare at the ceiling, literally do nothing I was exhausted 24/7 . And something that happened to me with high functioning anxiety was that despite all these things I kept doing my homework and going out. But I felt like I was like existing, did those things just because I had to.

Im sorry you feel this way 🥺 but it’s okay to not feel joy 24/7. Social media wants to make us forget that life isn’t perfect, we are still in the middle of a pandemic. And it’s double hard now because we are starting to come back to “Normal life” but many things have changed. It’s okay to feel this way, and I know you might feel like you are the only one but I feel a lot of young people are feeling the same way (I do). Give yourself time to feel exhausted and I hope life gives you the time you need to rest and recharge your life battery.

I had been in therapy for almost three years now and there are some coping mechanism I have learned: when I feel like I’m sliding back to darkness I do two things: write down everything I’m feeling or thinking (I sometimes write poems but most of the time I write emails to Harry (yes, Harry Styles), I have this email account just for that so at least once a week I write to Harry about my life and how I feel, I send them to the same account so I know he will never read them but he’s my comfort person and imagining what he would write back makes me feel better) and second I do something, anything, it could be as little as throwing my dirty clothes to the laundry basket or cooking myself a meal or doing a craft, anything that activates me for a little bit.

If after those two things I’m still feeling like shit I watch a comfort movie. I also surround myself with comfort objects like laying down hugging a teddy bear my grandma gifted to me when I was really young or wear the Harry’s cardigan I knitted myself (I feel him close to me that way). It can be anything but just having a meaningful object close grounds me.

I’ve never been very good with words but I hope this had helped. Don’t be too harsh on yourself, your emotions are valid and you don’t owe anybody an explanation of why you feel what you feel. Sometimes we forget how much power we hold within us, but I know in my heart we are survivors and no matter what life turns out to be it too shall pass. Take one day at the time and give yourself permission to feel whether it’s sadness, joy or nothing at all. I send you all my love 💛

Remember Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.

the thing about having trouble falling asleep is the exact opposite for me. like i can sleep all day and still be tired because i'm sleeping too much but i'm just so tired.

when you said you write emails to Harry, i started to cry. like that is the best idea and i wish there was a way to have someone, it wouldn't even have to be the real Harry, just reply back and act as him to cure my loneliness.

and i should mention i have severe adhd and the brain of someone who has adhd lacks the normal amounts of dopamine. therefore i don't find pleasure in normal tasks which sucks. that's why adhd meds have similar ingredients as drugs that increase joy in ones brain. like meth.

oh and i do have social anxiety

[taesbetch]

04| Den Of Hybrids

Pairing: BTS  x Reader

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Summary: Taking care of six hybrids can be a pain in the ass but when a stray needs y/ns help, y/n brings him home to his new family. Follow Y/n as she tries to help Taehyung (The new hybrid in town) fit in and continue to keep the other six alive along with other troubles that life brings.

Word Count: 1.8k

Previous | Next

Silent. The house was so incredibly silent. And oddly cold. Without the presence of your seven hybrids, the house had lost its sparkle and as you sat on the staircase staring at the door your hybrids had just marched out of, a small tear let itself fall down your cheek. 

You held your phone in your hand knowing that you needed to get on the phone with the police asap there's no way that this is allowed. She can't just take your hybrids without your consent. You dialled the number of a very good friend of yours who ran multiple hybrid organisations, hoping she would be able to help you sort this mess out. "Oh hey! y/n! hows it going?” 

“Horrible. Hyuna please help me out. My bitch of a great aunt has taken my hybrids !? Claiming she can do so because I’m providing for the family and i need to get my work done? What the actual fuck? Can she do that?” You asked, tears prickling in your eyes as you imagined how scared and uncomfortable your hybrids must be. 

“Well no, not to you anyway considering you’re over the age of sixteen! Did she show you a document?” Hyuna asked, concern growing in her voice as you heard her type away on a laptop. 

“Barely. It looked real and she said she had the police involved. Hyuna what do i do?!” You pleaded suddenly the situation dawned on you that your hybrid hating aunt was supposed to look after seven hybrids for a brief amount of time. HYbrids who were traumatised, Hybrids who were high maintenance....This was really, really bad. 

“Don't worry we’ll get them back before anything bad happens, I'll call you back in just a second,” Hyuna said before hanging up. You quickly grabbed your bag not being able to just sit around and wait. 

--- Third P.O.V 

“I can’t breathe” 

Namjoon sat with jimin as he gasped for air. All seven hybrids were trapped in a stuffy room. Grey walls containing them from any other contact. Single beds lay in a row, one for each hybrid; one pillow and a small blanket fit for a baby. 

“Jimin it's okay! Y/ns gonna get us out of here we don't have to worry” Namjoon cooed as he rubbed the bunnies back. Jungkook sat staring at the two as yoongi tried to lay his head down and sleep. 

“Yoongi how can you sleep at a time like this?” Hoseok asks as he sits himself down on the bed next to yoongis. 

with a scoff, yoongi rolls over to face the confused man. 

“How else are we supposed to pass the time?” 

The boys sat quietly for a second as the doors outside started to open. 

“She's coming” Jungkook whispered, his spirits a little broken from being yelled at a little too much on the ride here. 

As the door opened the boys all tried their best not to sneer at the elderly woman. they all shuffled around uncomfortably as she glared at the lot of them, two men stood behind her both dressed in all black with their eyes hidden by sunglasses.  

“take the photo” She orders. 

One of the men take out their cellphone and snap a quick picture of the boys. He then moves further into the room taking a close picture of the tearful jimin and the depressed jungkook. 

“That should do it,” May says, a sly smile making it onto her face. 

“DO what?” Jin asks bravely his experience with the hag proving an advantage. 

“Well when soppy little y/n sees how sad her hybrids are she’ll do anything to get you all back home. Maybe even pay a little price for your speedy return.” She explained laughing afterwards like she had just won the worlds smartest women award. 

The boys all glared with disgust. Of course, she had some alterer motive. None of this was to help y/n. Its always about the money and it will always be about the money. 

“ You’re a wretched witch, y/n will never give you what you want” Jin stated strongly resisting the urge to spit where she stood. Her smile dropped. Nodding at one of the men she watched joyfully as he strolled over to jin; without hesitating he struck jin across the face, his fist meeting jins jaw with swift precision. 

The boys all rose with panic. Namjoon stepped forward with a scream of disapproval but before he could do anything the other man was pointing a gun at hoseoks head. Everyone froze. 

“That seemed to shut everyone up. Y/ns life wouldn't be so messed up if it weren't for you mutty hybrids. Honestly, what was she thinking? The girl could be an award-winning scientist by now...but instead, she lounges around writing books and taking care of you” May rants. her eyes flickering between each of theirs. 

“Sleep tight. I’m sure by Saturday you’ll be back in your home. Or back on the street. Either way” May laughed once more before she exited leaving the room feeling heavy with emotion. Namjoon looked around worriedly, and for some reason, he knew that the hit jin received would not be the last one. 

---- Y/n

“What the fuck. 

You stood in front of your aunt's house, banging on the doors to what seemed like an abandoned home. The maids weren't even present, nor was norm, the angry doorman who you know hated you as much as your aunt. 

The white pristine house you hated so much as a child and feared to enter seemed so dim and..well beneath you. It felt like what was a David and Goliath story had flipped on its head. Pressing your face against the glass pannels you noticed that no lights were on which was odd for your aunt. 

sneaking around the back you were even more surprised to see no garden workers attending to the massive gardens outback. Roses looked dried out and leaves had flown their way over to the once perfectly cut patches of grass. 

“So weird.” 

disrupting your thoughts, your phone rang. 

“Hyuna! Hey! what did you find ?!”

“sooooooo much. Enough to bury your aunt with at least 60 years in jail” She replied. The typing you heard before still going. 

Your eyes widened in shock at the response you had gotten. 

“Wow! I-i-i Don't wanna send her to jail for basically the rest of my life, i just want my hybrids back.” You replied, your eyes drifting to the house where minimum furniture lay and old paintings sat broken. 

“I mean okay...You have security cameras in your house, don't you? Let me come over and ill send it to my people i can have your hybrids back by tomorrow.” Hyuna said before hanging up the phone. 

You sighed, looking at the house that used to bleed ‘im rich’ in confusion one more time before leaving. How very very odd...

--- 

“Wow, Everything is happening so fast” Hyuna sighed as she watches the security footage back. You ran a hand through your hair feeling the same level of frustration as you did that day. Both of you sat in your lounge trying to decipher the situation. Hyuna seemed to think that this video was more than enough evidence as she had no actual means to take your hybrids. 

“Okay, let's get this in and get your hybrids back,” Hyuna said as she typed away, her fingers moving at the speed of light. As you watched her your phone lit up with a text message from your aunt. 

‘How horrible. Look what the did to each other! Guess the space isn't working out for the. Shame i can't move them anywhere’ 

You eyebrows knitted with confusion at the text as you watched the typing bubbles anxiously. And that's when the pictures came through. Gasping, you clasped your hand over your mouth as pictures of your hybrids in pain flooded your screen. 

One of jimin bawling his eyes out. One of jin with a black eye, Namjoon with bruises all over his legs, Jungkook with a small cut across his cheek. 

You couldn't bear to look. 

“What? What's wrong?!” Hyuna asked worriedly. Handing her the phone you sat yourself down trying not to cry. This woman you had trusted with the most precious people in your life had presented this outcome...and tried to blame it on them. 

“Look at what they did to each other? Does she think I'm dumb? That bitch did this to them AND IS WHAT? TRYING TO TRICK ME? DOES SHE ACTUALLY THINK IM STUPID” 

Before hyuna could say anything your phone received another text message. Your face dropped and your eyes narrowed. Flashing back to her home you realised what was going on. 

“Let me guess...she wants some money in order for them to be let go” you sneered. Anger suddenly boiling up within you. That fucking bitch.

“Yep...1 million per hybrid. Look y/n/ I might be a bad friend for suggesting this...i know shes your family member but i seriously have so much dirt on this woman it's ridiculous.” Hyuna sighed, leaning back in her chair. 

“Shes broke...shes broke so shes abusing my hybrids to get money out me? She literally could have just asked? Does she think she can actually get away with this?” You scoffed. 

“Maybe she does. What do you want to do about it?” Hyuna asked, her tone lower than before. 

You paused for a second. Considering your options. The boys were the only real family you had left. And she had the audacity to lay a finger on them for what? some coin. You looked at hyuna whose determined eyes surely matched your one. 

“Let's bury the bitch”

[pink-enby-in-distress]

okayyyyyy,, welcome to Reese’s v long post (literally an essay sorry-) of confusion on finding out why body in pain so much a lot:)

Please note im not** diagnosing myself with anything. I just looked up stuff n im kinda just,, finding stuff to talk to my doctor about because I’m very confused n idk where to look specifically except google!! If you have any tips on managing pain and symptoms or resources please please pls reply or message me:)

(i apologize in advance for the lack of spaces and grammatical errors. im proofreading rn 1. myspace bar is broken. and 2. my arm is aching a fuck ton n it causes me more pain to type with it so im gonna be typing with one hand for a lot of parts)

1. fibromyalgia. the first thing that popped up for my symptoms. The hallmark symptom of fibromyalgia is significant muscle pain, stiffness, and tenderness all over your body. Headaches, numb hands and feet, and abdominal pain are other agonizing indications a person may have this affliction. i will bold my symptoms. Widespread pain, Fatigue, Weakness, Unrefreshing sleep, Muscle pain and cramps, Depression and other mood changes, Balance problems and frequent falls, Dysfunctional nervous system, Overactive immune system, Possibly, autoimmunity and inflammation, at least in some cases. Also, trouble focusing or paying attention, pain or a dull ache in the lower belly, dry eyes, memory lapses, difficulty concentrating, trouble staying alert. (Had a feeling this might be it but i dont wanna determine a serious health condition like that soooo...) There are a lot more symptoms though from what little i saw

2. vitamin d deficiency,, what i originally thought was the problem. at my age youre supposed to get around 600iu a day. if im good n i remember i take  like 5 or 7 a day. so 6-7000iu a day for at l e a s t 5 days if i remember. idrk if it works bc i often don't remember to take them daily . sometimes i'll have like 8-9000 for a couple days. idrk tho because they dont really do anything. Or sometimes they do but, not for long or it takes a while for them to work. btw!! vitamin d deficiency m i g h t lead to fibromyalgia?

3.Sciatica. reeled me in bc my left side hurts more than my right a lot of times. but,, my arms and upper back are affected too, so i dont think it’s the cause. Pain originates in the spine and radiates down the back of the leg. Sciatica typically affects only one side of the body. There are many causes for sciatic nerve pain, which can last up to 4 – 8 weeks if left untreated. Approximately 1 – 10% of the population experience sciatic pain or sciatica at some point in their life and are typically between the ages of 25 – 45 years old.

4. polymyositis, idk much about tbh, like what's different bout it and how it might fit me more than the others. idk if it fits me but,,i can talk to my doc about it. Those who suffer from polymyositis (PM) experience weakness in their shoulders, neck, and back, as well as their hips and thighs. The weakness may come on gradually over the course of several months, or may degenerate over a few days. Sometimes body aches and tenderness come with it, too. Although PM can cause a lot of discomfort, it is usually not life-threatening. For unknown reasons, polymyositis causes your body's immune system to attack muscle fibers. It comes on after age 20 typically

5. chronic fatigue syndrome. Along with extreme exhaustion, people with chronic fatigue syndrome often experience common symptoms like deep, persistent joint and muscle pain. Their skin might feel sore when touched, and pressure headaches can also result. Other symptoms include weakness, impaired memory or concentration, insomnia, muscle pain, and fatigue following exertion that lasts more than 24 hours. The causes of CFS are unknown, and there is no specific test to diagnose the condition. It is diagnosed through exclusion, that is, ruling out other illnesses with similar symptoms. n addition to prolonged fatigue, a person must have four or more of the following symptoms to be diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome: impairment in short-term memory or concentration, sore throat, (maybe to this but i cant fucking rememberrr)tender lymph nodes, muscle pain, joint pain without swelling or redness, headaches of a new type, pattern, or severity, unrefreshing sleep, post-exertional malaise. I’m really scared of thinking I’m getting some symptoms from this and it  actually being my adhd

6.Polymyalgia rheumatica,, v unlikely i feel like. specifically bc of the age but,, who knows. is an inflammatory disorder causing muscle pain and stiffness around the shoulders and hips. Most people develop polymyalgia rheumatica after age 50. Symptoms usually develop quickly and include aching of the shoulders, neck, or hips

7. Myofascial pain syndrome is a chronic pain disorder. came right after fibro popped up,, possible!! i looked the sensitive points chart tho anddd,, idrk if i have specific triggers. and it's more than just those sensitive points that i saw. In this condition, pressure on sensitive points in your muscles (trigger points) causes pain in the muscle and sometimes in seemingly unrelated parts of your body. This is called referred pain

I saw a hormonal thyroid disease, don’t think that’s it tho. It might be!! But it had visible signs that i dont have. Also saw growing pains which i didnt have, and they’re supposed to stop around 12 anyways. I’m 15

[mininacl]

surely you must know (how much i love you so)

my fic for @batfam-big-bang

summary: Timothy Drake, adopted son of billionaire by day, superhero Red Robin by night. He's used to keeping secrets, but one secret he's having trouble keeping is his feelings for his best friend.

word count: 7.1K

Tim sits at his desk, staring blankly at the screen. He watches as the text cursor blinks. The essay is due tomorrow, but he hasn’t started, hell, he hasn’t even written his name on the document. Tim’s mind is distracted by all the unsolved GCPD cases. He has to solve them and let the families have the peace of knowing the criminals have been caught. But having to balance his day-life and his night-life is taking a toll on him. He already feels the effects of staying up for 36 hours without any sort of sleep. He can’t pay attention, he can’t eat, his motivation is lagging, and he is having a hard time speaking. Those are normal side effects, and he ignores the little voice in the back of his head saying yeah, of depression. He stays up so much that it doesn’t really affect him as much as it used to. Tim knows how to focus with no sleep, but that was for cases and not for essays.

Tim stares at the screen a few seconds more before closing his laptop. He rubs his eyes, stands up from his desk and stretches, feeling his back pop and he sighs in relief. He grabs his cup that says “fr e sh voca do”. Conner got it for Tim’s birthday last year. It has been his go-to coffee cup since. He walks downstairs to the kitchen, wanting to fill up his cup again and maybe get something to eat. Cassandra is sitting at the table, eating some strawberries while she looks outside. She looks lost in her thoughts, but she still hears Tim come into the kitchen. She turns to him and gives him a small smile. Tim smiles and waves back.

“So, Cass, how are you doing?” Tim asks Cass, sitting down across from her.

“ I’m doing good, ” Cass signs. Tim reaches over and takes one of the strawberries.

Plopping it into his mouth, Tim says “You sure? No one is ever ‘good’ in this family.”

“ I am doing good. Nothing else to it. How are you doing? Have you slept yet? ”

“Naw, I haven’t slept yet. I’m doing as good as I can with the lack of sleep.”

“ You need to sleep. ”

Tim looks at Cass. Cass is picking at the leaves on the strawberries. She never picks at her food.The only time she does pick at her food, or really anything in general, is when she is upset or has something on her mind.

“I will sleep when you tell me what’s going on”

Cass pauses. She stops eating the strawberries and looks up at Tim, she looks surprised that he knew something was up. Tim pulls the container of strawberries closer to him and  stares at Cass, waiting for her to spill. A few moments pass before Cass reaches over to grab the strawberries again. She looks like she’s hesitating to tell him, not wanting to talk about something. They sit in silence for a while, the only noises that can be heard are the ticking of a clock and the sound of Tim chewing on strawberries. Cass’s eyes drift to the window that overlooks the garden. Her eyes stay focused on one rose for a while before she looks back at Tim.

“ I have been thinking a lot recently. ” Cass signs.

“What have you been thinking about?” Tim asks Cass. He stops eating, wanting to show Cass that his full attention is on her.

“ I’ve realized something...about me, ” Cass pauses, she's shaking a lot. Tim reaches over to place his hand on her arm, trying to calm her down. They sit in silence for a bit. Cass slowly starts to calm down but Tim can tell she is still nervous.

“Hey, you don’t have to tell.” Tim says, breaking the silence that surrounded them. “I’m not going to force you or bring it up, I’m just here for some food” He adds a little laugh at the end, hoping that it makes Cass comfortable. Cass smiles at him a little before she grabs another strawberry, raises her arms.

“ No, I need to. I want to, ” Cass takes a deep breath, before signing again. “ I am asexual. ”

Tim tries not to look a little surprised, but it’s hard not to. He notices that Cass looks worried. Worried isn’t the right word. Cass looks scared. Tim smiles at Cass, before taking a sip of his coffee.

“I have something to admit too.” Cass looks at Tim, intrigued.

“I am pansexual. I could love anyone.” Tim smiles and laughs a bit. This is the first time he has admitted outloud that he is pansexual. Cass smiles back at Tim, happy that she wasn’t the only one who is in the LGBTQ+ community. They both look relieved at the confession. Tim thought he was alone, and perhaps Cass thought that no one would accept her for being asexual. But it isn’t like that. Tim still loves his sister and he's happy that she trusts him enough with this information.

“Thank you, Tim.” Cass smiles. She moves to get up, wanting to hug Tim and to put the strawberries away. 

Tim follows suit, telling Cass as he got up, “I need to go and work on the cursed boy.” 

Tim is grabbing his coffee from the table, when Cass stops him. How she got over to Tim so quickly is a mystery but it's not surprising. She places the strawberries down, and moves Tim’s coffee away from him, both to avoid a spill and to keep Tim from  trying to grab it. Cass wraps her arms around Tim, he hugs her back, squeezing her a little. When Tim moves to get out of the hug, Cass doesn’t move. As much as Tim wants to question her, he doesn’t. Cass finally releases her grip on him, picks up the strawberries and places them in the fridge, before walking away.

Tim goes back upstairs and sits down again at his desk, and starts to write. The talk with Cass has sparked some inspiration. Tim writes and writes all day. By the time he is done, the sun has set. He hasn’t eaten since his talk with Cass, and he wants to eat, but he has a craving for fast food. He grabs his phone and shoots Conner a text, asking to meet up at BatBurger. Instantly, Conner says he will be there in a few minutes, and Tim rushes to get ready. His clothes are wrinkled and his hair is a mess but it doesn’t matter. After a few days of no sleep, he doesn’t care about a lot. Tim grabs his phone and keys, and heads downstairs. He passes by Alfred, tells the butler that he is having dinner with Conner. He's too busy rushing out that he doesn’t hear Alfred's reply. Alfred watches the boy run out of the house, shaking his head. 

Tim races down the streets on his motorcycle, hoping to get to BatBurger before Conner. He narrowly misses being hit by a truck, and the truck driver honks but Tim just ignores it and continues on his way. It takes a few minutes, but he pulls into the BatBurger parking lot. Tim parks and looks around, not seeing Conner anywhere. With a big smile, internally cheering that he arrived first, Tim walks into BatBurger, scanning the place in case of threats. His smile drops when he notices Conner sitting in a booth by the window.

“How is it that I live only 20 minutes away, and you live in a different city, yet you always manage to beat me here?” Tim asks Conner as he walks up to the booth.

“Because I have some time management skills. Plus, I can fly.” Conner tells Tim, smiling smugly.

“You know what? I don’t need the sass Kon-El.” Tim was going to sit down, but instead he turns and walks up to the counter and waits in line. Conner shakes his head as Tim walks away. Tim orders some food for the both of them, he knows what Conner likes by now. He turns back to Conner, and they start to make faces at each other from across the restaurant. Conner is laughing softly at the booth, but Tim can’t laugh since he doesn’t want to seem crazy. The order arrives and Tim grabs it and walks back to the booth.

“Here you go, Kon. You owe me.” Tim says as he places the food down and sits across from Conner.

“You were the one who asked me to meet you here…but fine.” Conner steals one of Tim’s fries, even though Tim made sure to get him his own fries. Tim tries to slap Conner’s hand away but is a little too slow.

Tim feels at ease with Conner, it is so easy to talk to him. He feels safer around Conner. In some moments he freezes, words dying from his mouth when Conner smiles at him. Tim is in love, but he is too scared to say it out loud. He is scared that he would break Conner’s trust and he would lose him. They are best friends and admitting something that big could ruin the friendship. But Tim wants to kiss Conner, and oh so badly he wants to admit that he loves him. Tim knows he doesn’t have to hide his heart, but it is scary. He shouldn’t be afraid of the words he wants to say. This game of love should be played out loud, but Tim is scared, he knows how people like to talk. He is the adopted son of a billionaire, the CEO of Wayne Enterprise, and a hero. He has faced so much, from rumors to fake scandals, this shouldn’t bother him. Yet it does. It shakes him to the core.

“-im. Timothy. Timmy. Tim. You in there?” Conner asks as he pokes Tim on the head. Tim shakes his head, not realizing he got lost in his thoughts and worries.

“Yeah, I’m here. You didn’t have to poke me.” Tim takes a sip of his drink. Surprisingly it isn’t coffee but water. He needs to drink something else besides coffee for now. Or at least for this meal, anyway.

“I called your name several times and you still didn’t answer me. So I had to poke you.”

“You didn’t have to.”

“Yes, I did.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.”

“No, you didn’t.”

They go back and forth for a while before Tim finally admits that Conner had to poke him. Sighing in defeat, Tim munches on fries. Conner just smiles at Tim. They finish eating and sit in silence. Tim wants to tell Conner in that moment but he can’t. He told Cass earlier and that was enough secret telling for him today. Tim pulls out his phone, checking the time. He pretends he has to leave, in reality, he was getting more nervous around Conner. He was so close to telling Conner he loves him.

“Lets hang out more, Tim. It's nice to get away from our crazy lives.” 

Tim gets up as Conner finishes talking, putting their trash onto the tray. Conner stands up and puts a hand on Tim’s shoulder, turning Tim to face him. Conner pulls Tim in for a quick hug before grabbing the tray and walking away from Tim. Conner turns once more at the door, and gives Tim a smile before exiting Bat Burger and flying away. Tim stands there. His heart is beating fast, and he is blushing a little. He shakes his head before exiting BatBurger and heading to his motorcycle. He drives back home, a smile on his face.

Tim gets home and goes to his room without saying anything to anyone. Even though it hasn’t been a busy day, he still feels exhausted. From having to do the essay, to coming out to Cass, and dinner with Conner, he needs to relax for a bit before having to leave for patrol. He puts on some music, and lays in bed, staring up at the ceiling fan, watching it go around and around. Kiss the Boy by Keiynan Lonsdale plays from the small speaker Tim has. He knows the song, hell he plays it on repeat. It hits home for him. Not knowing what to do after all that happened today, Tim gets up and goes to work on some of the case files he has in his room. The song keeps playing as he works.

I might not say the one thing on my mind cause it’s too tough

But we lose our chance when we don’t try

On second thought yeah I think I might

The lyrics make Tim think he should tell Conner. If I don't tell him, I run the risk of losing Conner to someone else, but if I tell him I run the risk of losing Conner if he doesn’t love me back, Tim thinks. He doesn’t know what to do, all the different possible outcomes form in his head. Tim shakes his head, wanting to focus on the unsolved cases rather than his feelings for Conner.

Don’t want to hide

Don’t want to hide

Most of my life I’ve been terrified

Spending my days always questioning

Am I wrong to love a man

I realize

I realize

Ain’t gotta hide this heart of mine

I’m gonna fight just to let you know

To open your light and let it glow

Tim pauses. He rewinds the music and listens to the lyrics again. He feels as if they were meant for him. He has never realised that deep down he questions if it is wrong to love Conner. The unspoken fear that has made its home in his heart long before he even knew he loved Conner, yet in his heart he also knows that it doesn’t matter if people say it's wrong. All that matters is that he wouldn’t have to hide anymore. The fears he has have stopped him, but after hearing that it isn’t just him that feels like that a burst of courage came to Tim. Tim grabs his phone and texts Conner before he can stop himself.

“I love you.” “And I don’t mean as friends”

The burst of courage that had come, was now gone. Tim looks at the texts in panic. He throws his phone onto his bed and jumps up. Pacing around, he doesn’t hear the chime of a text alert from his phone. His breathing starts to get heavier, and tears form in his eyes as he paces, worrying over how Conner will react. After wearing the carpet thin, Tim finally picks up his phone again, heart pounding. He sits down and prepares himself for rejection. Tim unlocks his phone and checks the text conversation between him and Conner.

“I love you too” “And I definitely dont mean as friends lmao”

Tim stares at the texts in shock before letting out a small laugh of relief and joy. He wipes the tears from his eyes and grabs the water bottle he keeps by his bed. After chugging the water and throwing it into the trash bin, Tim gets up and shakes his hands, grinning like a fool. He has to get his head into the game. Patrol was starting soon, and if he didn’t make it to the cave in time Bruce would get worried. Tim looks at his texts again, smiling at the screen, before locking his phone and placing it under his pillow. He can’t risk having siblings going through his phone. Tim leaves his room, heading to the cave.

Tim arrives at the Batcave just in time. Bruce looks over at Tim and raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t say anything. Jason is too busy cleaning his guns to notice that Tim arrived, Dick is spinning in the chair that sits in front of the computer, and Damian, just like Jason, is cleaning his weapons. Stephanie, Duke and Cass are nowhere to be seen. Bruce gives a quick rundown on where he and the others are going to be patrolling. Dick gets the docks to watch for Penguin’s gun trading, Jason and Tim get from Amusement Mile to Sprang River to watch for any rogues, Damian and Bruce get from Sprang River to Robinson Park, and Stephanie, Duke, and Cass are covering the rest of Gotham. Everyone gets suited up, chatting a little. Cass is putting gadgets into her suit as Tim walks over to her. She smiles softly at Tim. Tim grabs one of the gadgets out to put in his utility belt, smiling at Cass as he does so. Cass reaches up to pat his head, and walks away, heading in the direction of Steph.

“Why are you so smiley?” Jason asks Tim as he puts on his holsters.

“I had a good day. That’s all,” Tim grins a little at Jason before placing his mask on and hoping on his Red Robin motorcycle and driving away. It's time to fight criminals. 

Tim still hasn't figured out when he should write his essays. The rain hits against the window as the noise of cars passes by. The noise provides background noise for Tim. It is a soft buzz of noise since his dorm is on the third floor. His room is only illuminated by the glow of a desk lamp and the light of a computer screen. It's 3AM and Tim is just now eating dinner. A microwave dinner at that, but it is still dinner, Alfred would be disappointed in him but with living in dorms, this was all he had at the moment. This essay is easier since it deals with his major — computer science. All Tim has to do is explain the different parts of a piece of computer software. The problem is between college life, a day job, a night job, patrol, and secret dates with Kon, Tim doesn’t have the time to do it all. He could technically get rid of his two jobs but that means relying on Bruce’s trust fund and as much as he wants to use the money, he also wants to be normal for once. Or really, as normal as he can be.

“FUCK!” Tim yells before looking around his dorm. He is alone but the walls are thin. After not hearing anyone or any yelling, Tim gets up to make coffee. How the hell did I forget coffee? It was shocking. He runs his fingers through his hair as the coffee maker does its thing and makes his coffee. As Tim grabs his black coffee, he quotes John Mulaney under his breath, “One black coffee”. 

He walks back to his desk and moves the graph paper he has around to make room for the coffee. He pulls out his phone to text Kon but pauses, then puts down his phone. He has to focus, essay first, then Kon. Tim takes a sip of his coffee before cracking his fingers and getting to work. 

4AM arrives quicker than Tim expects. He has just finished his essay and has to sleep at least little before classes start. He regrets having to take morning class, but it was the only option that works with his schedule. 9AM-12PM he is in classes, 1PM-4PM he is at FRATZ BEANS café — a fraternity café at the college, yeah a café just for the fraternity people — as a barista, 7PM-12AM he is at a local diner — bless the owners, they gave him a part-time job — working as a waiter, and then depending on the day, he either goes out on patrol until crime slows, on a date with Kon or working on school. 

Today, it is a date with Kon. They are going to meet up at 1AM near the small park on campus. It isn’t really a park, just a patch of grass, flowers, and trees. Tim’s excited to see Kon tonight. The last date was at an arcade and a 24/7 hour diner. Tonight's date is up to Tim. He hasn’t figured out a back-up plan just in case things go south - which knowing Gotham, that could happen where they will be going - or how to upstage Kon. He has ideas but nothing can work within his schedule, besides one idea. Gotham has a drive-in movie playing at 2AM, it's late for a movie but early for Gotham. Tim shakes his head, he has to sleep before class.

All Star by Smash Mouth plays as the clock hits 8AM. Tim groans as he stretches in bed, he only has an hour to shower, eat, and head to class. Tim sits up and looks around his room for a moment before getting up and grabbing clothes. Tim may have a dorm to himself but it doesn’t have a bathroom in it, he has to go to one of the shared bathrooms on the floor. Tim grabs his bathroom bag before slipping on his flip-flops and heading to the showers. The showers luckily aren’t that busy in the morning so Tim is able to slip in and out in under 20 minutes. After showering, brushing his teeth, and changing clothes, Tim heads back to his dorm to pack up his backpack for his classes. He has statistics, programming, music theory — why he chose that class, no one knows — advanced coding, and business. Some of those he has to do because Bruce made him. Why, he still has no idea.

Tim fixes his denim jacket, makes his hoodie strings even lengths, and puts on his sneakers. He sits on his bed for a few seconds, messing with the holes in his jeans. Unplugging his phone from the charger and grabbing his backpack, Tim checks the time and sees that he has enough time to go to the small coffee shop in the campus to grab a bagel and coffee.

One of the workers, Alec, greets Tim as he walks into the Student Center. The center has some classes but it’s mostly small food shops and restaurants. Tim nods to Alec and walks to the coffee shop, the one working barista smiles at Tim and asks what he would like. Tim gives them his usual order, espresso Americano and a lightly toasted bagel with cream cheese. Tim slides over his student card and the barista scans the card before handing it back, he goes to the pickup counter and checks his phone but it doesn’t take long for him to get his order. After thanking the worker, he heads to class. During class, Tim can’t stop checking the time, wishing that 1AM would come faster.

The rest of the day goes by uneventfully fast. Or as fast as it can given that today is busier than normal. Tim’s exhausted by the time he goes to his diner job but it’s only a few more hours before he gets to see Kon, so he powers through the exhaustion. When he turns to look at the clock, he notices it’s 12:30AM, only a couple more hours until he sees Kon. They are going to take one of Bruce’s trucks — or really his only truck — to a drive-in movie. Dick had driven the truck down to the college earlier in the day. It was no surprise that Dick knew Tim’s schedule, and Tim managed to grab the keys from Dick when he conveniently passed by on his way to another class. Tim has already packed a bag for the drive-in and snacks during his free time he had yesterday.

Finishing his shift at the diner, Tim goes back to his dorm, waiting for Kon to come flying in. Tim can’t contain his excitement to see Kon. He starts pacing back and forth, checking the time every second. When Kon finally knocks on the dorm door, Tim runs to the door and yanks it open. He pulls Kon into a hug and gives him a kiss. Kon kisses Tim back and moves his arms to hold Tim closer, kissing him a little harder. Tim pulls away before their kissing can get more passionate.

Out of breath, Tim says “Are you ready for the movie?” He’s still in Kon’s arms.

“Yeah. Are you able to get us there with no accidents?”

Tim moves out of Kon’s arms to grab the bag of snacks and drinks, and two blankets. “Hey! I don’t get into accidents! That’s Dick!” Tim laughs at the memory of Dick’s last accident. It was in the Batmobile and since then Dick has been banned from the vehicle.

“Sure, it’s just Dick,” Kon jokingly says.

Tim grabs a random object — which turns out to be an empty water bottle — and throws it at Kon. Kon catches it, only to throw it back at Tim, who, not expecting it to come back like a boomerang, yells in surprise when he gets hit with the water bottle. Tim stares at Kon in disbelief before walking out of the dorm, leaving Kon in his dust. Kon just laughs at Tim and follows after. Tim throws the bag and blankets into the backseats of the truck and moves to hop in the driver’s seat.

Grabbing Tim’s arm, Kon tells him, “You shouldn’t drive. I know how to drive a truck, you don’t.”

Tim said nothing as Kon gets into the driver seat. Kon starts the truck as Tim goes to the passenger seat. They sit in the truck for a while, before Kon starts to drive off towards the drive-in. Tim connects to the bluetooth system that the truck has. My Own Hero by Andy Grammer plays through the speakers. Kon drums his fingers to the beat of the song on the steering wheel, and Tim looks out the window, watching as Gotham passes by. It was luck that no one was out tonight. It’s always luck when they go on a date and not a lot of people are out. They want to keep the relationship a secret for as long as they can. It’s hard to keep, but Tim is scared of what his family — minus Cass — would think. He’s scared of how that would affect him in the public’s eye. Tim isn’t really known for caring about publicity, but this time it's different. This time it affects Kon as well, he would be pushed into the spotlight. Tim can’t stop thinking as he leans his head on the window, sighing softly.

“Timmy, you okay?” Kon looks over at Tim for a second before focusing back on the road.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Tim, with his head still on the window, turns to Kon and smiles.

Kon can tell something is bothering Tim but he didn’t want to push. His family does that enough and Kon doesn’t want to add to it. After a few minutes, they pull up to the drive-in. Tim sits up straight and digs into the bag for his wallet. He hands Kon the money for the drive-in tickets. They get their tickets and go to find a parking spot, the drive-in is mostly empty, save for a few other couples and families. Kon parks the truck directly in the middle and reaches behind them to grab the bag and blankets before Tim can react. Tim just looks at Kon while smiling. They get out and Tim opens the tailgate, hopping onto the truck bed. Kon places the bag down before throwing one side of a blanket to Tim. They fix the truck bed to their liking before Kon hops into the truck bed with the bag. Tim grabs the bag and pulls out a drink, Kon doesn’t even have to ask to know its coffee. Sometimes he wonders if Tim loves coffee more than him. Tim digs in the bag and pulls out a couple of glow sticks.

“Glow sticks? Really?”

“Yes really. Are you judging me?” Tim asks as he opens the package and breaks some glow sticks. Kon looks at Tim in awe at how beautiful Tim was. The glow of the glow sticks provides an angelic glow under Tim. It's dark out with only a few lights out and shining. The nearest one is a few meters down in the next car. The movie hasn’t started yet, so the only light lightning up the area around the two are the glow sticks.

Tim looks over at Kon while he throws the glow sticks around the truck bed. “You okay?”

Kon snaps out of it. “Yeah yeah, my bad. Here let me help you.” 

Kon grabs another package of glow sticks and opens it before snapping them. Before Kon can throw them around the truck bed, Tim grabs them and the connecters. Tim makes a bracelet out of two glow sticks and places it on Kon’s lap. Kon picks it up gently and looks at it. Tim, not being able to stop himself, grabs Kon’s hand and the glow stick. Tim slips the glow stick onto Kon’s hand, or more accurately, his arm. He picks up Kon’s hand and kisses the back of his hand instinctively. Tim not so gracefully drops Kon’s hand and takes a sip of coffee, trying to calm down the blush that appears on his face. Kon didn’t say anything but he smiles and grabs the glow sticks Tim stole before throwing them around the truck bed. The truck bed has a range of different colored glow sticks. The whole rainbow made an appearance on the truck bed. Fitting, Kon thinks.

Tim jumps as the movie screen makes a noise. It starts to countdown from 10. The two boys get settled in as the movie begins. Kon looks surprised at the movie choice.

“Megamind? Really?” Kon is unimpressed by the movie, but is impressed at the amount of couples here.

“Yes, Megamind. You got a problem with it?” Tim sasses. Kon can only shake his head.

As the movie plays, both Tim and Kon can’t help but sneak glances at each other. In that moment Tim wants to shout from the rooftops about his love for Kon. He wants to hold Kon in the streets, kiss him, do normal couple things. But his fear is holding him back. He focuses back on the movie.

The movie ends, Tim and Kon stretch out and they look at each other before laughing. Out of all the movies Tim could have picked, he picked Megamind. Only Tim would do that. Kon is the first to stop laughing. He grins as Tim keeps laughing his head off. Picking up the glow sticks and throwing them into the bag, Kon becomes so focused on cleaning that he doesn't hear Tim stop laughing. As Kon turns around, he jumps, almost punching Tim in the face. Tim is standing there, doing the Spooky Scary Skeleton dance, not that well either. Tim looks like a car dealership balloon person, just all wiggles. Kind of like a worm string.

“Mother of goose! What are you doing?” Kon holds his free hand to his chest, trying to calm his heart.

“For someone who has super hearing you definitely are deaf.” Tim says as he grabs a Swedish Fish that was lying on the blanket. He throws it in the air and catches it in his mouth. Kon glares at Tim and throws a glow stick that is lying around them. Tim, just like earlier, can’t dodge the incoming missile. A battle of throwing whatever was in reach ensured. Tim is getting hit left and right while Kon is catching all things thrown at him.

“I surrender! I surrender!” Tim has his hands in the air, not wanting to get hit again and again anymore.

“For someone trained by Batman, you definitely can’t dodge,” Kon says jokingly. Tim glares at Kon before smiling. It isn’t an evil smile but a content one. This is the first time he has had fun these past few weeks. With everything going on, having fun was something Tim could only dream of, but now he feels at peace. He’s happy. They stare at each other for a few minutes before cleaning up the truck bed. Everything, trash included and blankets excluded, went into the bag. They climb out of the truck bed and back into the truck. Kon is still the driver. Tim turns on the radio this time, and rolls down the window. 

He feels as if they’re in a scene out of a movie. The wind from the movement of the truck hitting his face, the soft playing of the radio, the faint noise from the truck, the smell of Gotham air, the sight of clouds, the slight shine from the moon; it all hits Tim as Kon was driving him back to the dorm. Tim turns to rest his arms on the window and stuck his head outside. He doesn’t know it but he has silent tears rolling down his cheeks. Emotions swirl inside him, wanting to come out but not being allowed to. He wants to show the world his love, but the fear of rejection was stronger than ever. If only love was simple.

Arriving a little past 3AM, Conner pulls into the dorm parking lot, parking the truck and turning to Tim.

“I had a fun night. It is in my Top 5.” Kon tells Tim as he reaches behind to grab the bag and blankets for Tim.

“It was last minute” Tim stares at Kon, not believing he blurted that out. Kon just laughs at Tim.

“Oh, I know.”

“How do you know?”

“I know you, Tim.”

They stare at each other before leaning in for a goodnight kiss. Once breaking the kiss, they get out of the truck, waving goodbye to each other. Tim walks back to the building his dorm is located in, while Kon flies back to Metropolis. Another day, and another date down. Tim smiles as he goes to his room. Once arriving, he flops onto his bed, bouncing a little as he does so, and goes to sleep.

A few weeks pass before their next date, and this time it was Kon’s turn to choose the date. All the information Tim gets is to be ready at 1AM and wear clothes he would be okay to fly in, so Tim knows it’s at least out of Gotham. He figures it’s probably back at the Kent’s farmhouse but Tim promised not to go all detective mode. It’s a slow day, which was shocking, since on Fridays both the cafe and diner are usually busier than normal but today was slow. Tim manages to get two breaks at the diner instead of his normal one. Hell, the owners give him dinner on the house. Tim still pays for it out of pocket but it's nice to know that the owners will give him a meal on the house. Tim brings the dinner home to eat, just a cheeseburger and fries with a Coca Cola. 

Tim starts to do his school work, eating as he does so. Crumbs from the burger get on his desk, and he half-heartedly wipes them away but it's not that big of a deal. Besides, he is just waiting for 1AM to arrive. Focused on school work, he doesn’t hear the knock on the window. The window slides open - how, Tim doesn’t know - and Kon steps in. In an instant, a batarang is thrown his way. Kon reaches up and grabs the batarang, stopping it inches from his face.

“How did you get in?” Tim wonders.

“I’m standing by the window, World's Greatest Detective.”

Tim says nothing before throwing another batarang. This time he aims it away from Kon, but the intent is there. Kon pulls the batarang out of the wall and hands them to Tim.

“That’s property damage.”

“They don’t care. Well, they do but a lot worse has happened in other dorms. Before you ask, don’t ask.” Tim tucks the batarangs away. He stands up, grabs his phone and a small bag before hugging Kon. Kon grabs Tim’s hand and goes back to the window. He slides out of the window, and hovers just outside. Tim slides out and sits on the window ledge before he reaches out and grabs Kon. He turns, closes the window, and Kon flies them into the night sky.

“A whole new world...” Kon sings into Tim’s ear as he screams from the sudden elevation change. Tim stops screaming as they slow down and stares at the clouds they passed. He reaches out and touches a cloud. It feels light, like nothing he had ever touched before. The cloud disappears from his hands as they continue to fly. It’s a quick trip, given that Kon is flying fast. Tim doesn’t even know they are in Metropolis until Kon touches his shoulder.

“Hey Tim, we are here”

“Huh? Oh, that was quick” Tim looks around, noticing that the Kent’s farm has more animals than normal. He doesn’t point it out but knows it has to do with Damian influencing Jon, asking for more animals. Kon gently grabs Tim’s hand and pulls him inside. The house smells of warm apple pie, with a hint of oakwood and smoke. The only noise that can be heard is from the animals.

“Where’s Clark, Lois, and Jon?” It's never this silent in the Kent house. Much like the manor, noise is a constant thing. Jon and Kon may be the only kids, or young adult in Kons’ case, but they make a lot of noise. Hell, even Clark makes a lot of noise. It’s like those Kryptonians just love noise.

Kon laughs, breaking the silence in the house. “Jon is at a sleepover with some school friends, Cl-”

Tim interrupts him, “Wait, Jon has more friends than just Damian?”

“Yeah...as I was saying Clark and Lois are out ‘working’”

“So they’re pulling a Bruce?”

“....yeah.” Kon laughs at that. He wonders if Tim has been spending some time with Jason. Jason is the only one that insults Bruce so much, and Tim saying that is definitely insulting Bruce.

“Am I wrong?” Tim holds out his hands. He looks like a meme, and Conner wishes he has his phone out to take a picture.

They make their way to the kitchen. Conner had mentioned something about a campfire earlier in the day, but Tim isn’t sure if Conner really means a fire. It's something that Tim isn’t used to. Or, well, at least in a positive way. Tim has to pause and think about what Conner means. All while he is thinking about the campfire, Conner somehow gets the ingredients for s'mores and waits at the door for Tim. He waits for Tim to get out of his own mind. It takes a while before Tim realizes Conner is waiting for him. He smiles at Conner before they walk out to the small fire pit outside.

Conner hands the ingredients to Tim before lighting the fire pit. With what, Tim doesn’t even know. The fire roars to life, the heat is intense for a second, but it soon calms down. Tim places the s’mores ingredients down, looking around for any sticks. It takes a few minutes of wandering around, before Tim finds some decent sticks. He walks back to where Conner and the fire is at, holds up the sticks with a smile. Conner shakes his head before nodding towards the fire pokers. Tim looks defeated, his arms dropping to his side. It takes only a beat of silence, saved for the noise of crickets and the fire, for Tim to throw one of the sticks in Kon’s direction. For onlookers, it may look like their relationship is full of throwing random objects at each other. That may be the truth, but they wouldn’t have it any other way. The stick throwing went on for a few minutes, before the throwing and laughs calmed down. Tim falls to the grassy ground, taking in the feel of the grass on him. Conner walks over to Tim, sitting next to Tim’s horizontal figure. They take the moment to catch their breath. The moment didn’t feel real. The area surrounding them fades. It was just Conner and him. The sound of the fire crackling brings them back to reality. Conner stands, reaching his hand out to Tim as he does so. Tim grabs his hand, getting pulled up by Conner. They walk over to the fire, grabbing a poker and finally starting to do the s’mores. Tim’s first s’more, the marshmallow went up in flames. Conner is too busy laughing his ass off to help extinguish the marshmallow. Tim throws the marshmallow to the ground, stomping on the flame. The flame, luckily, went out, but Tim knows Conner will not let him live this down. After that, the s’mores weren’t as hard or as up in flames.

By the time they were full, most of the s’mores were gone. The feeling in the air was full of nostalgia. For Tim, doing this reminds him of the days where crime-fighting wasn’t his whole life. It’s these small moments with Conner that bring him to a new plane of life, a new reality. Being able to be a kid again. Being able to feel the stickiness of marshmallows as he makes the s’mores. Feeling the comfort of a fire, the warmth, the feeling of home. These moments, these moments make Tim think that continuing is worth it all.

So lost in thought, Tim didn’t notice that Conner had moved. Tim blinks a few times, pulling himself out of his mind, and scans the area. Even if he promised no detective brain, Tim can’t stop himself from worrying, from bringing out his detective mindset. Tim gets up, still looking around for Conner, and walks to the house. He notices that the door has been left open, and rushes inside. Conner’s standing in the middle of the living room, music is playing from some speakers that the Kents have.

“What is going on?” Tim asks, looking around and making sure nothing got damaged.

“Waiting for you” Conner moves to Tim, guiding him to the middle of the living room.

“Why?”

Conner just smiles. He places one arm behind him, bowing slightly, holding out his other hand. He looks down for a second before looking up, asking “Can I have this dance?”

Tim is speechless. It takes a few seconds before Tim grabs Conners hand. Conner leads them into a swaying motion, his hands on Tim’s waist, and Tim’s around his neck. They sway to the rhythm of the music.

The song changes but the swaying doesn’t stop. Tim leans into Conner, pushing him on the back of the neck a little, bringing their foreheads to touch. Tim looks at Conner before closing his eyes. They gently sway to the music as the night continues on, blissfully content to stay in this moment forever.

[thoughtsfromthevoid]

Things my parents have said and done that terrify me (I have anxiety and depression, ADHD and currently have tics ((Or a Tourettes diagnosis they don't believe in)) from being so anxious all the time)-

-That if I keep coming home late (normally like 5-10ish minutes because traffic) I won't be allowed to go out at all. (I'm not even the one driving, and my friend(s) aren't doing anything to keep me out past that time.)

-"You're only the 357 thousandth teenager to pull the 'I'm down' all the time, its not going to change anything. Drama is drama." (Said because I've been severely depressed lately and not reacting to things like normal.)

-"There was a miscommunication between us (mom and dad) on what you're allowed to do at night." (Had to have me stop for a bit until I got on tic meds, it was very bad. Doctor told us to. I had been doing after school things and been on the meds for 2 weeks at that point)

- "Don't manipulate me into saying yes to things." (Accidentally said friends and I were going through the drive through at wrong restaurant which they wouldn't have said yes to)

-"Don't wake me up if the house is on fire." (Said not to me, but to other parent, out of frustration of being startled awake because they don't sleep well)

-Some more things I won't say on the internet

-Disagreed with my tourettes diagnosis so strongly because they didn't see the tics I referred to happening in the past and since they notice everything, it makes this invalid.

-Also said I don't have tics like others with tourettes and that they don't say random things and is more repeated and that I don't do that when I definitely do, said a wrong definition as well, even after research

-This morning I wasn't apparently allowed to talk when coming into the living room bc it didn't need to be said to them while cooking, not allowed to go in the kitchen at ALL during this time either

-Said every child who doesn't have to do the same amount of chores as me was a spoiled brat or had a ton of siblings when I was struggling with chores and schoolwork for a bit

-Constantly talks negatively about me behind my back to other parent thinking I can't hear when 90% of the time, I can, instead of having a conversation with me about it, its always me being in trouble. Also never sees my improvements and only the failures, it doesn't matter if im working to fix something until it's fixed

-Their autism being used as an excuse constantly as 'it just is this way' and whatever they saying always having to be the truth, even when it isn't. Its not the autism thats the problem, its the constant excuses because of it and toxic mindset and unwillingness to listen. They aren't the only neurodivergant one, I have ADHD. I struggle too. This doesn't seem to matter

-Getting upset when I talk too much and wanting me to be quiet, not wanting to know any of the details when im excited, even when its harmless, the overall frustration of it and wanting me to stop talking so often

-This is normally in effect especially when they are watching stupid (and passable) mindless tv, that I'm constantly triggered by. I constantly have to close my room door to not hear it while doing things like homework, is still always too loud, this is every day after school in the living room, or every weekend. I cant be in that room anymore basically because of it. They get frustrated when asked to pause it quite often, or when I ask for space when doing chores out there, because I hate them looming over me all the time, the TV also makes an unbearable noise for me recently as it is going to die soon of overuse, every time it is on, which stops me from watching basically anything out there or being in the room too long

-Not feeling comfortable enough to practice when parents are home because of looming, coming in while practicing when its not necessary, getting mad when i play things wrong and yelling across the house about it

-my room is my only space, one parent claims entire basement and sometimes I'm not allowed down there at all, even sometimes when I had to sleep down there to feel safe (unrelated issue but still) other parent has living room

-"I dont understand the want/need to go over there." Me asking to go to a friends house after school, everything needed to be done was done, after a really hard day and me feeling trapped in the house. Apparently I need a reason to go and hang out with friends. I do not feel safe going for walks or anything for other known reasons.

-Getting frustrated with my chair placement every concert in orchestra, never proud of me for anything like that either. (Or at least expressed to me) Makes me feel worse and worthless, to the point where I am considering quitting even though I love the instrument, the anxiety and depression now caused by these issues and pressures being put on me over the years is becoming unbearable. Pressure and anxiety lead to me quitting and hating piano after 8 years as well.

I'm really sick of being in trouble for things I can't control, or something I didn't do intentionally. If it was on purpose? Yeah, I get it. If it was something bad? Sure. I never do anything I think is bad, or know I'll get in trouble for. I don't want to be in trouble. I hate it. It makes me feel very afraid. I wish they would trust me more. I know my mental health is bad, but I'm not actively trying to do things wrong, and I do actively try to fix my mistakes. I wish they would really listen when I tell them these things, even be a little more lenient. I wish I was good enough, I really do try. I love my parents so much, they can be so very much amazing, but they can be toxic to me too. Even if the intent isn't there, it still is harmful. It makes me feel mentally unsafe in this household. I don't know whats going to be taken away at any moment. At least I feel that way. I want to move out. I really do.

[brvdleymilligan]

HLO slinks in thru a bead curtain.......... truly sry this took me so long to concoct bt i’m here now, hand on hip, smiling coyly at u all...... i’m nai n i’m rly excited to b here so i’ll just dive right in!! u can find bradley’s pinterest board here n her muse tag here. like this or hmu for plots!

[ cis female, she/her, margaret qualley , twenty-four ] i can’t be sure, but i think i just saw BRADLEY MILLIGAN drive onto the parkway. don’t they know we’re not supposed to be driving on that haunted road right now? maybe it has to do with the fact that they’re so +RESILIENT and -VOLATILE that makes them feel UNPHASED about everything going on. i guess we could also chalk it up to the fact that they’re always reminding me of LEMON IN A FRESH CUT, THE AMBER BLINK OF AN ANGRY ALLEY CAT, GRINNING WITH BLOOD ON YOUR TEETH. either way, i hope they get back safely. [ nai, she/her, 24, gmt ]

aesthetics: singeing a hole in your fishnets with the cherry of a menthol, spitting a pistachio behind the bar just to hear it ping off the nozzle top bottles, lemon in a fresh cut, a war torn poppy standing alone in an empty field, pressing thumbs to yellow bruises, stomping over flowerbeds when there’s a path right besides it, dangling over ledges just to feel your chest jolt, a snarling rottweiler that needs muzzling, limp feet poking out behind a door, ‘I PROMISE I DON’T BITE’ scrawled on a name tag, slapping a bald head in front of you at the cinema like it’s a bongo, not owning a single jacket that isn’t stolen, driving a stranger’s car down the wrong lane against the screaming traffic, hair more feral than a wolf cub and eyes smudgier than a coal mine.  

BACKGROUND:

ok SO. her father owns a strip club in crescent hill named no angels. it’s kind of.... a seedy establishment i won’t lie. hs a red glowing sign like it’s lighting up a window in amsterdam. cigarette butts floating in oil slick puddles outside. unsavoury characters crawling all over like rats in a sewer. despite this it’s a legitimate business on the surface of things n it does pretty well in trade. it’s like.... that place people warn u NOT to have ur bachelor party at unless u fancy urself the type tht willingly enters a lion’s den bt tht almost??? adds to the allure in a way??? ppl r like wow so sketchy it’s the thrill of a lifetime........ i mean run while u still can bt go off i guess

it isn’t Confirmed Public Knowledge bt it’s pretty heavily implied thru the rumour mill that bradley’s father is the head of a gang of rly............ Not Nice people. all the ppl that work for him u would hands down NOT want to run into in a dark alley. while things seem legitimate on the suface it’s pretty clear they’re into shady dealings n the townsfolk that suspect that would indeed b correct! the club’s a front for a drug business n they’re also washing n running counterfeit cash thru it. they probably also have their hands dipped into a few other local businesses to run their cash thru these too n keep it all seemingly by the books so nobody comes sniffing around. they even r friends with a member of local law enforcement that’s working w them for a cut so they honestly have all bases covered to keep things airtight n foolproof. perhaps a business in reed too which bradley oversees bt i haven’t given this Too Much thought as of yet??

so ya she’s grown up fairly local most of her life n would maybe be known around town as such.................. the milligans r certainly Interesting as far as families go so like. it honestly wldn’t surprise me if ppl nudge elbows when they see one of them coming n immediately walk in the opposite direction. just quite an intimidating presence...... they’re like caged animals where ur specifically instructed NOT to stick ur fingers between the bars bc they WILL bite

on a more personal note her dad is pretty much the worst human being alive n bradley hs like….. a lot of issues with herself as a result of years of toxicity n abuse

in terms of more family bkground info her mum’s name was alyssa n she vanished when bradley was 12. jst like…. into thin air. nothing. no note. zilch. gan! n when bradley asked her dad abt it his response was essentially “guess she didn’t love us enough to stay”. as bradley’s got older tho n become (without intention) more involved in the business side of things, it’s become pretty clear there was far more to the story.

(abuse tw) they had a horrible marriage n tony ws emotionally manipulative at the best of times, violent at worst, which didn’t help the fact tht alyssa ws struggling a lot w severe depression n rly just… not in the mindset to b dealing w anything else, even where motherhood ws concerned. bradley p much… would look after her a lot n they’d both b scared of her dad n it was just a whole unhealthy mess.

(death implied tw) anyway im rambling bt basically tony (bradley’s dad) gt wind of alyssa sleeping w men tht worked fr him n he just… got rid. bradley’s kind of worked out over the yrs tht her mum didn’t jst leave on her own accord n tht something must hav happened to her bt she’s too scared of her dad to ever directly accuse him

when her mum went all of her dad’s cruelty pretty mch got channelled straight onto her. it ws diluted between two before bt as u can probably imagine her upbringing was jst…. a steep downhill decline

(drugs implied tw) she learnt ways 2 deal w the incurring trauma bt they weren’t healthy ones at all! bsically jst. will do or take anything fr the distraction. chases a thrill like it’s the only way to remind her she’s alive. has absolutely no regard fr her own wellbeing n often gets other ppl in trouble too bc she’s so insatiably reckless

(hospitalisation tw) she hd….2 separate stints of psychiatric hospitalisation n she never tlks abt it. like ever. acknowledging she’s been vulnerable is her worst nightmare n bc of the way her dad raised her she always thinks any sign of struggling within herself is weakness. truly does…. not kno how to properly emotion

CUT TO!!!! the present. she’s currently living at the motel which is like. the least homely place she cld ever live rly but bradley loves making her life uncomfortable n doesn’t rly believe in growing sentimentally attached to anything if she cn help it <3 probably gets into arguments all the time w her neighbours it’s a whole thing.... atrocious at feeding herself has breakfasts frm the vending machine like her organs aren’t screaming fr vegetables.... plays music too loud n sometimes vanishes for days at a time without a word. she’s a lot.

i honestly feel like the murders haven’t rly phased bradley too hugely....... i won’t lie she probably genuinely is like. oh maybe it’s smthn to do w my dad. n just blinks the other way not rly that phased. on some subconscious level i think she rly just thinks........ death follows her wherever she goes n is like. this is just life for me! kind of depressing. holds her hand bt then screams n pulls away when she inevitably bites me.

PERSONALITY:

the kind of sour cherry only certain people have a taste for

once drank a bottle of whiskey, insisted she could still do a cartwheel and accidentally kicked an old man’s front tooth out in the process. proceeded 2 collapse into a flower bed and laugh so much abt it that she cried

barely takes anything seriously 50% of the time and is angry the other 50%

if she was a coffee she’d be black with five grains of sugar that you couldn’t taste until the last sip

(alcoholism tw) high functioning alcoholic. if u ever see her w a coffee cup u jst kno tht one sniff will confirm high alcohol percentage. honestly idk hw she does it her liver must b yellin

loyal to a point of fault. if she cares abt u (rare) and u murder a man in cold blood (not so rare in the broad scheme of bradley’s life) she’ll brawl anyone that says ur guilty

honestly wld probably fight a person over anything. sometimes she’ll jst be having a bad day n she’ll burst n take it out on whoever says the wrong thing. minefield!

has the worst luck in romance…. ever. ALL her past bfs hav been absolute beasts n as a result she has the ‘romance is dead n love is a lie’ mentality. definitely NOT a romantic. very cut n dry abt these things. sex is mostly just sex n she’d kind of scoff at anyone that wanted more from her

mostly wears stolen clothes from strangers and jackets that swamp her. huge chunky stomping boots with steel toe caps that would RLY bruise if they gave u a kick. hair is p much always a wild mess n she usually hs kind of smudgy/smoky makeup bcos apparently she’s allergic to combs and generally looking presentable… relatable content. the only time she rly looks put together is when she has to do something/go somewhere/see someone on behalf of her father....... he kind of uses her as a sort of. honey pot sometimes fr shit his gang get up to it’s like. not! a way u should ever utilise ur daughter but :/ i cannot stress enough how much i wna drop kick him in the neck

she’s v sarcastic. blunt. kind of has a habit of…. assessing a person n she’s quite perceptive bc she’s been trained to b by the way she always has to monitor her dad’s expression fr the slightest emotion change. she’s very confident n can p much mke a conversation out of whatever if she feels like it. independent too like she hs a bunch of (predominantly surface connection) friends bt she doesn’t care abt going out places alone n does this often. she’s probably kind of known around town bt itd b a 50/50 balance between bein known as intimidating n bein known as that one girl tht always gets into anarchy

likes: drunken snow angels that drag on so long they flirt with pneumonia, stealing cars, throwing watermelons off rooftops to watch them explode, shooting pedestrian’s with bb guns from hidden spots on rooftops. 

dislikes: telling the truth, tulips so yellow it’s like they’re gloating, playing music loud enough to fry your brain and serve it on a piece of toast, going home.

PLOTS:

someone tht works at the ‘no angels’ strip club?? either as a dancer or bartender or whtever. just a forewarning it’s probably gna b a pretty….. seedy and Not That Pleasant environment bc it’s like. a crime hotspot inevitably bc it’s a gang hangout so. ur chara wld truly be in fr a rollercoaster ride to say the least

(drugs tw) she deals coke fr her dad’s gang so perhaps ur muse buys off her

anyone….. she’s brawled in the past like. she’s literally a menace i cnt express this enough. wil jst randomly throw a drink in someone’s face fr no reason bc she’s bored. she’s probably pissed off 1000 diff ppl in 1000 diff ways. the possibilities r endless n i jst think tht’s a sexy prospect!

fwbs perhaps??? exes??? (probably ws a tumultuous relationship honestly bradley is. a handful...... it’s also rly not often she ties herself down tbh so this would maybe have to b discussed/be circumstantial/kind of rare)

mayb someone tht she met at an aa meeting when she hd to go fr a court mandated thing one time after bein arrested fr public indecency. i feel like there’s probably a rly expensive statue somewhere thts fancily sculpted n she like. did a flying kick n broke the dick of it off n gt arrested fr it

ppl she……. Goes Wild Goes Crazy w. truly jst the most self destructive person alive so anyone w a similar mindset wld b a hellish bt fun combination

on the contrary a gd influence cld b nice perhaps? like someone tht genuinely cares abt her n she jst doesn’t kno hw to compute it

maybe people who r her neighbours that live at the motel too??

OH it could b fun if ur muse runs or works at a local business maybe like. a bar? idk? n bradley n ur muse have developed a rapport bc she frequents the place n is................ a Character

um. honestly the world’s our oyster. hmu n we cn brainstorm if none of tht catches ur eye!

[kangtaebins]

Weird Asks That Say A Lot

I said I was going to just answer all of these bc of boredom,, and so here I am

1. Coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? Teacups are aesthetically pleasing idc what anyone says

2. Chocolate bars or lollipops? Lollipops

3. Bubblegum or cotton candy? Cotton candy supremacy

4. How did your elementary school teachers describe you? I was told that I was a leader a lot, and was told that I was very intelligent. Ah yes, I suffered from gifted kid burn out in high school-

5. Do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? Look, plastic cups are the best. Specifically the ones with the lids and reusable straws

6. Pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? It truly depends on the day bc some days I would say goth and other days I’d say grunge, but most days- pastel

7. Earbuds or headphones? Earbuds

8. Movies or TV shows? TV shows bc- idk actually I’m just not a movie person

9. Favorite smell in the summer? I have a weird obsession with the smell of cheap sunscreen and I have no clue why

10. Game you were best at in p.e.? I hated gym in high school and rarely participated despite the teacher being irritated with me (truly she gave up after a few months bc I really did not care at all) HOWEVER- I went to town in volleyball and still enjoy playing volleyball v much

11. What do you have for breakfast on an average day? I don’t eat breakfast often,,, 

12. Name of your favorite playlist? Probably my Navy or Indigo playlist

13. Lanyard or key ring? Key ring 

14. Favorite non-chocolate candy? Anything green apple!!!

15. Favorite book you read as a school assignment? I actually genuinely enjoyed Romeo And Juliet tbh

16. Most comfortable position to sit in? I always curl up in a ball on the couch, but in a chair I manspread ngl

17. Most frequently worn pair of shoes? Nike slides <//3

18. Ideal weather? Between 50-70 degrees, sunny but not warm, being able to wear a hoodie and not be hot or cold

19. Sleeping position? I usually either sleep on my left side or on my stomach (my back once in a while when it’s hurting bc I’m a hag)

20. Preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? I write on my phone more than anything

21. Obsession from childhood? Hm- I was really obsessed with High School Musical as a kid. My friend and I would put it on and lip sync to the songs and pretend we were the characters

22. Role model? Is it- wrong to say myself? Bc I feel like that sounds arrogant but genuinely it’s bc I’m constantly trying to better myself mentally and learn and grow. Idk I just am proud of who I am and look to myself when I need to find motivation

23. Strange habits? Strange? Idk if it’s strange but I’m constantly twiddling with the hem of my sleeves bc I love the feeling of it

24. Favorite crystal? Citrine 

25. First song you remember hearing? WH- bitch idk tf

26. Favorite activity to do in warm weather? Stay tf inside in the air conditioning

27. Favorite activity to do in cold weather? Stay tf inside in the heat

28. Five songs to describe you? To describe me?? Girl idk I'm all over the place. How about songs that resonate with me instead,,, Alive by Khalid, Paranoid by Lauv, Phobia by Dvwn, Fake Smile by Ariana Grande, and Breathin by Ariana Grande

29. Best way to bond with you? Truly I'm not very difficult to get along with, just don't be an asshole. Talk to me about psychology, current events, say Soobin is the cutest to exist idk it's not that hard

30. Places that you find sacred? I- hm. I'm not like a church person or anything so idk. Maybe just anything really old or places with very detailed and unique architecture

31. What outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? I don't own many clothes,,, let alone nice clothes. I also don't really dress to impress I'd much rather be comfortable

32. Top five favorite vines? Oh god if I h a d to pick???? The lipstick in the Valentino bag, they were roommates, it's an avocado- thaaanks, jared 19, and uh,,, zach stooppp you're gonna get in trouble

33. Most used phrase in your phone? Tbh it's probably "girl what-" or "no bc"

34. Advertisements you have stuck in your head? That 877-CASH-NOW ONE JFC

35. Average time you fall asleep? Between 11pm-1am

36. What is the first meme you remember ever seeing? Probably the troll face one or smth

37. Suitcase or duffel bag? Suitcase

38. Lemonade or tea? I mix them together!

39. Lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? Lemon meringue pie bc I don't really like cake

40. Weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? Y'all I- went to a hs/college mixed school,, I've seen it all. Weirdest?? Idk but one weird thing I remember was when we were making whistles in art and some dude made a penis whistle 😭

41. Last person you texted? My best friend :))

42. Jacket pockets or pants pockets? Jacket pockets

43. Hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? Hoodie 100%

44. Favorite scent for soap? I love soaps that smell like soap. Like ok duh I know that sounds dumb but yk what I mean? I don't want lemon or mint or whatever, I like the plain soap smell

45. Which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? Fantasy

46. Most comfortable outfit to sleep in? Oversized t-shirt, no pants. I question anyone that is comfortable sleeping with pants on-

47. Favorite type of cheese? Feta!

48. If you were a fruit, what kind would you be? I feel like I'd be a pineapple and I have no clue why

49. What saying or quote do you live by? Not necessarily a quote but more of a thought: live for yourself, enjoy each day, do what gives you joy

50. What made you laugh the hardest you ever have? I have had so many instances in which I have laughed so hard I peed and to even attempt to name one is impossible

51. Current stresses? Making sure my family gets their vaccines and stays safe

52. Favorite font? I don't think I have one? Anything except comic sans

53. What is the current state of your hands? What does this even mean 💀 I mean,, they're holding my phone, cold, and my nails are unpolished

54. What did you learn from your first job? That people are assholes but I'm capable of not giving a fuck bc life is not that damn serious

55. Favorite fairy tale? Is The Three Little Pigs considered a fairy tale?

56. Favorite tradition? Putting up the Christmas tree with my mom :( it's always a lot of fun

57. The three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? Depression, grief, and hopefully one day- smth I'm currently dealing with

58. Four talents you’re proud of having? Makeup!! But also: singing, crying on command, and tying cherry stems with my tongue

59. If you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? Sick of these bitches

60. If you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? I don't watch anime so idk

61. Favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? It's this line from Eleanor & Park: "Eleanor was right: She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn't supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something."

62. Seven characters you relate to? Holy hell, 7?? Probably won't get that many but hm,,, Darlene from Roseanne, Hermione from Harry Potter, Emily from Pretty Little Liars maybe?? Idk I suddenly blanked

63. Five songs that would play in your club? As if it's Your Last by BP, anything from SHINee, anything from Ariana, also anything Rihanna, just a bunch of women tbh

64. Favorite website from your childhood? FUCKING WEBKINZ BRO

65. Any permanent scars? I have a few on my arms idk where they came from tbh, I also have one on my hand from my sister 🧍🏻‍♀

66. Favorite flower(s)? Sunflowers!!! I also really love lilacs 💔

67. Good luck charms? My dog's collar that I wear as a bracelet

68. Worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? Licorice-

69. A fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? It takes repeating a piece of information 12 times at random to memorize it completely

70. Left or right handed? Right

71. Least favorite pattern? Fucking chevron- and realistic camo, and anything with the American flag

72. Worst subject? Yall im awful at history. American history, world history, all of it-

73. Favorite weird flavor combo? Either pickles and peanut butter or cheese and grapes

74. At what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? I'm stubborn but also always in pain so I've become numb to a lot of body pains. I have to be at like a 7-8 before I take smth otherwise I'd always be taking it

75. When did you lose your first tooth? I was probably like 5 I was definitely in Kindergarten

76. What’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? I fw baked potatoes

77. Best plant to grow on a windowsill? I have a love for succulents

78. Coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? Oh my- I don't drink coffee but coffee from a gas station

79. Which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? Driver's license for sure

80. Earth tones or jewel tones? Jewel tones

81. Fireflies or lightning bugs? I say both,, but I think I say lightning bugs more

82. PC or console? PC

83. Writing or drawing? Both

84. Podcasts or talk radio? Podcasts definitely

84. Barbie or polly pocket? Barbie

85. Fairy tales or mythology? Fairy tales

86. Cookies or cupcakes? C o o k i e s

87. Your greatest fear? Losing people I love

88. Your greatest wish? To live comfortably and be a great mother

89. Who would you put before everyone else? My family

90. Luckiest mistake? Guessing on 90% of a test and getting an A 💀

91. Boxes or bags? Bags are easier to carry-

92. Lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? Fairy lights!!

93. Nicknames? Sam, Sammi, my sister calls me Sams, my best friend calls me Bub, and my gf calls me Baby if that counts- 👀

94. Favorite season? Fall omg it's gorgeous and has perfect temperatures

95. Favorite app on your phone? ✨tumblr✨

96. Desktop background? Its literally a pic of Soobin, Taehyun, and Beomgyu

97. How many phone numbers do you have memorized? Like 4-5

98. Favorite historical era? The one where white people learn their fucking place and stop being racist, homophobic, classist, sexist, all the -ists and -phobics,,,, so none. Fuck history :))

[lovemesomesurveys]

“I’m a dick, I’m addicted to you”

Do you add extra letters to words sometimes? (ex. haaaa) Yeahhh.

Do you like the letter Z or Q better? I don’t favor one over the other. Who would you like to be stuck on an island with? I’d like to not be stuck on an island at all. What's your favorite quote? I have a lot of favorite quotes. I just love relatable stuff that puts into words how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking better than I can. I struggle with expressing myself and putting it into words, so. Name one random fact about your best friend. She loves the ID channel.

Do you like vegetables or fruit better? Gonna be honest, I don’t eat much of either one. Especially, fruit... it’s been a few years since I’ve had any. :X I have spinach, potatoes, and green onions pretty often, but that’s all the veggies I’ve had in a few years as well. In comparison to my zero fruit intake it’s something at least, ha. There are fruits I like and a few more veggies as well, but I just haven’t had them in awhile. What brand of shoes do you wear? Adidas. What's your favorite smiley face? On the computer I use :) Do you believe that if someone goes to bed thinking of u, u dream of them? I’ve heard that before and it can be a cute thought, but nah. Have you ever snitched on someone for cheating? No. Do you own a Snuggie? I do. What's your favorite number? 8. Which of the 7 dwarves are you most like from Snow White? Sleepy. What's the last movie you watched? Dumb and Dumber yesterday. What's your favorite month? October and December.

“I’m alright”

Do you like the smell of campfires? Yesss. If you could do one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? I don’t know. Do you like eggnog? Yes. Is there a song out right now that you can't stand? I haven’t heard any new music recently. I haven’t been listening to music lately. If you could stay one age forever, what age would you pick? I’d be fine if I just stayed 31 here on out. What's your favorite state? I like my state the best out of the few states I’ve been to (the others being Arizona, Idaho, and Georgia). There’s a few I’d like to visit that could potentially take the top spot for me, though. Have you ever went in public with your tag still on your clothes? I don’t think so.

Would you say your loud or shy? I’m quiet and shy. What's your favorite symbol on the computer? I don’t have one. Are you afraid of clowns? Pennywise is awesome. Do you wear glasses? I do. Ever rode on a horse? Just on one at the pumpkin patch as a kid. Poor horse, guided around in a circle all day.  Do you have trouble saying or spelling some words? I think I spell pretty well. I stumble over my words when I talk sometimes, but I think my pronunciation is pretty good. Have you ever thought something was just to good to be true? Many times. And when I think that, it’s usually true. Do you like potatoes? I love potatoes.

“I’m in trouble, I’m an addict, I’m addicted to this girl”

Are you random? My thoughts and dreams are really random, but I wouldn’t describe myself that way. I’d say I’m predictable and boring. Do you believe that aliens are real? I don’t know. Certainly not the weird looking green creatures that are usually depicted for some reason. Do you sleep with the TV on? I do. I’ve done that ever since I was a kid. What's the longest you've slept in? Like 5PM or so. Have you ever seen a hairy toe? Yes. What's the last thing you watched on TV? Roseanne this morning. Do you have a song stuck in your head? Not at the moment. Who do you talk to the most? My mom and brother. What's the first thing you get on when the internet comes up? When the internet comes up oh man, was this made in the late 90s, early 2000s? lol. The first thing I do when I get on my laptop is continue scrolling through my Tumblr feed or do a survey. When's the last time you were sick? I’ve been sick with something for the past week. And no, it’s not the rona.

Which is your favorite: Music, Dogs, Shoes, Books, Jonas Brother? I love a variety of music, I love doggos in general, but I’m biased towards Labs and German Shepherds, Adidas are my favorite shoes, and back in my die hard Jonas Brothers days I was a total Joe girl. What color is your hair brush? Rose gold. Do you enjoy arcades? I did when I was a kid. We used to have one at my mall back when I was a kid that was a fun place to go. And Chuck E Cheese, ha. Have you ever liked 2 people at once? Yes. Have you taken a nap today? Not so far.

“show me the meaning of being lonely”

Would you ever want to be in a horror movie? I think it’d certainly come off as believable because I’m such a scardy cat and super jumpy. Being chased would genuinely scare me even it was acting. Even knowing what was going to happen I know I’d still be jumpy. Only thing is I don’t have the scream down that you gotta have for a horror movie.  Have you ever been to Washington D.C? Nope. Do you hate when girls have guyish names and boys have girly names? I really don’t care.  Have you lost or gained any weight since February? I know I haven’t gained any weight. I’ve probably lost some weight, which is really not good for someone who’s already underweight.  Have you ever felt like no one wanted to be around you? Yes. I don’t even want to be around me. I often feel like I’m such a burden and annoyance. It’s my own thinking and feeling, though. My family doesn’t do or say anything to make me feel that way. I have had other people make me feel that way, though.   Have you ever had to use a pay phone? Yes. Have you listened to music today? Nope. It’s been awhile since I’ve listened to music, actually. Do you only drink bottled water? Yes. Don’t judge me. I bet someone is on your mind right now, right? No, actually. Do you like writing in pen or pencil better? Pen, definitely. What's the last magazine you bought? I don’t even remember it’s been so long. Has anyone in your family ever forgot your birthday? My parents, brother, and close family members always remember. Was it any of your friends birthday in the past week? My older brother’s birthday was a couple days ago. Is anyone else in the same room as you? Nope. Are you one of the popular people in your grade? I’m done with school, but no I was never popular.

“you never call me when you’re sober”

What word best describes you in the dictonary? ”Depressed”, “Awkward”, “Lame”, “Loser”, “Ugly”... Do you like Soy Milk? Yeah, I’m lactose intolerant. I use that or almond milk. I don’t drink any kind of milk by itself, but I use those in stuff like coffee drinks and cereal. And for dunking my cookies and brownies in. Where were you at 10:30am yesterday? Right here in bed where I spent all weekend. I was having a really rough weekend. I felt really shitty and had zero energy. I couldn’t even drag myself outta bed for coffee, so that’s how you know I was feeling really bad. Thankfully, my mom and brother brought me a Starbucks. Do you think ghosts are real? I believe in spirits, but not actual Caspers. Do you know anyone who has been attacked by a shark? No. What is your best friend's mom name? Lupe. Have you ever made out in a movie theatre? No. What part of your body do you wash first? My arms and work my way down. Do you have an innie or an outie? Innie. How do you think the dinosaurs died? An asteroid. What's your favorite flavor of Pringles? Sour cream and onion, cheddar and sour cream, pizza, and ranch.  What was the last thing you got grounded for? Something when I was like 12. Did you go to a water park last summer? I don’t go to the water park ever. What shoe do you put on first? I think the right. Finish the sentence: Girls.. Just wanna have fun.

“I think we’re alone now”

Have you ever had a song or poem written about you? No. Did you have a nickname growing up? My family called my Noodles, ha. When was the last time you played the air guitar? I don’t know. Have you ever biten your toenail? Ew, no. I’m not flexible enough to even do that, but I would never want to so it’s fine. Have you ever been dared to do something that you regretted? No. I didn’t do dares. Favorite website? Tumblr and YouTube. Worst thing that has ever happened to you? Probably the incident that made me a paraplegic at 7 months old. That’s certainly top of the list. Best thing that has happened to you? My doggos are definitely amongst the top. Best friend? My mom. If you could dye your hair any color, what color would it be? I dye it red and would like to continue to do so. Do you have a wii? It’s my brother’s, but since we live in the same house and I’ve used it, too, I’m gonna say yes.  Most used phrase on IM? I don’t remember, it’s been over a decade since I’ve used IM. Have you ever heard of The Beatles? Of course. Have you ever wanted to give money to a charity? Yes, and I have given to charities.

“Who says you’re not beautiful?”

Would you ever want to have 14 kids? Uh, noooo. I don’t even want one.  Are you wearing any bracelets right now? Nope. Do you have any jewelry that once belonged to an old family member? No. Do you dream every night? I usually do. Give me on of your goals Just taking it day by day. Do you like skinny jeans? Yeah, those are the only jeans I have. Do you ever say stuff that you don’t mean? It happens. Have you ever said "I love you" and not meant it? Yeah, but that was back when I was 16 and felt pressured into saying it back to my boyfriend at the time even though I didn’t have those feelings. Ever since then I haven’t thrown those words around lightly. What is your dream guy/girl? A patient, understanding, caring, loving, trustworthy, good sense of humor kind of guy. Do you hate when people overract? I can definitely be one of those people that overreact. And I know I’m overreacting when it’s happening, but I can’t help myself. I sometimes see people in situations where I’m like, ‘omg, they’re totally overreacting’ and think it could be handled differently, but yet I do the same thing. When was the last time you used the oven? It’s been awhile, actually... I don’t remember. Have you ever wanted to be free like a bird? ”And I’m as free as a bird now... and this bird you cannot change.” Are you a worrier? Oh am I ever. Does your house have an attic? Nope. Are you going fishing this weekend? No. I don’t go fishing.