#Id never accept or realize someone was into me romantically or similar unless they told me straight out. Otherwise i will

[mrfoox]

I think i accidently made Magnus think I was going to confess my undying love for him today 😂

[everythoughtweshare]

i came out to my best friend yesterday and thinking about it makes tears come to my eyes

but she didn’t say anything bad, she didn’t say anything at all, she let me talk and she listened when I struggled to put it into words

i was describing to her, out of the blue, that id be just fine if i never had sex with anyone

and she asked me if i was asexual

and i stared at her like when a lost dog finally finds its owner after many years adrift

in that moment

she hung the stars for me

and kissed the moon goodnight

and for once in my life, i was lost for words

so i put it all on the line

i let the words drift aimlessly through my mouth, and for the life of me i still can’t remember exactly what i said, but i gave her thousands of analogies and metaphors

and i described the difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction

about how I feel neither unless i know them, and no im not like everyone else, i am not choosing to be like this, i will never feel anything unless there is a deep connection and yes that could take months or even years for me

and at one point she asked me why i sounded so sad when I talked about it

but i wasn’t sad, i was apprehensive about her reaction, i was fumbling through words that could possibly make even a little sense to her

i told her i can’t miss something id never have

and she laughed and apologized, even when i was all smiles as i watched on

and she said she just finally got it and she thought it was wonderful how i put it

she let me talk forever, turned her whole body towards me, asked questions only when i offered, and it was so relieving

some things she didn’t understand but she never invalidated me, she never said that i wasn’t real or that I was faking it or i just haven’t found the right person

i asked if she accepted me

and she was in wonder that i ever thought she wouldn’t

she said i was still the same person and still someone she loved just as much as before

she didn’t view me differently at all

i was still her best friend

the one who was with her through rough days and excruciating feelings, the one that comforted her through calls, the one who went everywhere with her because our anxiety was better when we were together, the one who reassured her that the way she was being treated wasn’t right and never would be

and i was so relieved i didn’t lose her forever, or start a fight between us, or out a wedge into the years we have spent together with the promise of eternity

she even knew that i was off that day, asked in realization ‘is that what was making you so nervous?’

i thought i would cry, sob into her arms, but i just sagged into her chair, in the living room, the chirps of the birds outside and the mumble or her dad on a phone call not far.

the relief felt so weighted

i think i could’ve used it as a sweater

and i said i was just so happy that she didn’t view me differently or invalidate my existence or made me feel uncomfortable at all

im glad she treated me just like she did in every other discussion, just like when i told her how claustrophobic my home felt, and that the scars that litter my arm were taunting me again, and the bone deep tiredness i carried around me was too much.

finally i could show her the silly little picrews that i made, showing her my flags proudly, telling her the difference and how to tell the similarities.

and she gushed over every flag that she thought was so pretty and said we had such beautiful colors to represent us and we even googled every single one i didn’t know.

and i changed my instagram icon to a picrew of me, one that held my flag, something I’d be afraid people would ask me about, telling the world proudly what i identify as.

all the people i knew from high school could know, some might gossip or discuss it, but i didn’t care anymore.

my best friend still loved me and she believed in me.

and when she was the only one in the world i was sure would be by my side no matter what, what else did i need?

yes id still hide it from certain family members, but my best friend knew, and she was the only one who ever will know me for who i truly am.

the only one who gave me the time of day.

the most important person in my life knows, the one I know cares the most, so all in all, it felt like i had already come out to everyone i ever felt like i needed too.

i don’t think id ever have a happier moment.

- for those who are struggling to come out, i hope that if they do not support you, you still know that all of us in the community do. that i do. because you are valid and loved by us all. screw the people who don’t believe us, let’s shed a few tears and move on to better times and better people. Promise?

[holdin-out-for-a-hero]

Creep- FFVII Biggs X Reader Chapter 5/?

Summary: you get on the bad side of a one of Corneo’s men and now have a target on your back

Warnings: sexual harassment, death mentions

A/N: More romantic stuff coming in the next chapter! It’s already halfway written.

Afternoon drinking was not something you were really known for, but after all that had happened in the last 24 hours, you let yourself indulge. No, it wasn't a good coping mechanism, but you needed a little relief from the constant and paralyzing fear of someone hunting you down. It helped a bit with the guilt, too. There were a lot of things you felt guilty about...

These were supposed to be celebration drinks, you remembered. Because every time a mission was approved, you and your teammates would guzzle down beers in excitement. But that was not the same energy the bar held today. Everyone was drinking, but no one was happy.

Jessie tried to lighten the mood, tried to bring energy to the group, but aside from her bubbly disposition, her eyes told another story. She was worried, just like everyone else, for the same reasons as everyone else. She was worried for you, for Barrett, and for the mission tomorrow.

Even Wedge was silent. You hurt his feelings by not telling him about what happened. And no matter how many times you tried to explain to him that it wasn't personal, you didn't want to tell anyone about it, he still knew what that meant deep down. You didn't trust him. Or anybody on the team, really. He hoped that through kindness he would've gained your trust, but he was wrong. You couldn't look him in the eyes anymore, because every time you would, he'd give you the same hurt look...

You had screwed up. Not just in the sense that you instigated the man on the train (though he completely deserved the fist in the face, that much you were sure of), but that you didn't tell anyone on the team. And why? Because you were embarrassed? These were the people you were supposed to trust. You trusted them with your life during missions, so why didn't you trust them with your thoughts, feelings, and experiences?

Biggs was there when it happened, so you couldn't hide it from him if you tried, and you only told Tifa after she saw through your bs excuse. But Jessie, Barrett, and Wedge didn't get to know until they had to. Jessie had cooled down from her outburst earlier and was treating you as if nothing had happened, but deep down you knew she was still a little pissed. Barrett, on the other hand, was real pissed at you for keeping it to yourself, but he still held his tongue and you didn't know why...

Jessie took another sip of her drink, looking up at the clock on the wall. In just a few hours, she and the merc were going to hit up the Shinra warehouse. She remembered inviting you and Biggs, hoping that if she kept you near, she could somehow keep you safe. The business quarters were probably much safer than the slums, because whoever those guys were, it didn't look like the spent much time above the plate. If they did, they'd have Shinra troops called on them immediately.

She never told you what the mission was about, though; she hoped to keep a few secrets in tact tonight. Like stealing from her own, comatose father, that was something she wasn't proud to do.

So you, Biggs, and Cloud would be joining her. She looked over at Wedge though, he was definitely hurt that you hadn't told him. He'd probably be just as hurt if Jessie didn't invite him on this mission, too. So she decided she would let him in on it. So much for a nice, romantic evening with the local Merc...

——————

Jessie filled you, Biggs, and Wedge in on her secret mission to break into a Shinra warehouse and surprise trip to her parent's place. But something was missing from her story; you knew she was keeping something from you and the others. And just hours ago she was yelling at you for doing the same... whatever. You knew not to push it.

She told you to meet up at the train station, something you dreaded. Not only because it was where you met the creep, but also because it would be defying Barrett's orders, and you didn't think he would hold anything back if you screwed up this time. 

The three of you arrived at the station, but weren't met with the usual chatter and smiling faces. In fact, there was no one there at all. The entire station was empty, and so, so quiet; you had never seen it like this in your life. It looked wrong. A sign plastered on the bulletin board explained that the trains were on an adjusted schedule due to threats from the "eco-terrorist group" Avalanche. You couldn't help but find it ironic.

So the three of you had to improvise. Biggs knew a guy who rented motorbikes, and was willing to lend a few of his own for free.

The sun was setting now, and you walked your bike back to the train station.  Biggs and Wedge were on either side of you walking with their own bikes, they insisted it be that way so no creep would spot you. How lucky you were to have them, to have a team that cared about you so much they'd risk their own safety for your sake.

Wedge had forgiven you to some extent. He was now talking to you more freely, and you were so relieved. He was such a sweet guy, it hurt to have him upset at you.

Jessie and the Merc were already at the platform waiting. She had her signature smile plastered on her face, but he looked... uncomfortable? She slung her arm around the man's neck and he flinched under her touch. Then you realized why he was so uncomfortable.

"Hey guys!" She greeted with a wave.

"Tough break. They changed the times. Last train's already left," Biggs said, "Which is why we borrowed these bikes."

"Only 3? Looks like we're gonna have to share." Jessie glanced at cloud, who looked away from her and crossed his arms.

"So, who's riding with who?" Biggs asked.

"Me and SOLDIER-boy can share one," Jessie said with a smirk, cloud just sighed.

"So there's two bikes left and three of us," you added.

"Rock paper scissors?" Wedge suggested. You laughed and Biggs shook his head at the guy, but the both of you agreed. So the three of you got ready: hands in position.

"Rock, Paper, Scissors, Shoot!"

A grin formed on you lips when you won; you would get a bike all to yourself.

"C'mon, two out of three!" Biggs asked, a hopeful look in his eye. Did he really want to ride alone that badly? Unless he wanted to ride with you... No, that couldn't be it.

"No. I won fair and square."

Biggs' eyes lingered on yours a second longer, before he smiled and put a hand on Wedge's shoulder, "Guess I'm stuck with this guy."

"Hey! Don't say it like it's a bad thing!" Wedge said. Everybody laughed. Well, except Cloud.

——————

Your heart began to race as your bike picked up speed, and you couldn't help but smile. The rush, the wind through you hair, the freedom: it was intoxicating. You pushed the throttle harder, speeding up and and bumping over the train tracks. This was what it felt like to be truly liberated. In this moment, the creep and his goons couldn't get to you. They couldn't even try. You were going too fast, leaving your fear and guilt in the dust. You felt alive.

Something in you wanted to go faster, farther, but you couldn't just ditch your team. That wasn't how teams worked. So you reluctantly stayed in between both Wedge and Biggs and Jessie and Cloud as the five of you came to your first ID scan. Thanks to Jessie, your new ID's were impeccable. There was nothing to worry about.

The first ID scan was a success, just as all of you expected. The second and third scans yielded similar results. Then came the fourth ID scan. It was very uncommon to have a fourth scan, but they must have implemented it because of the bombing. This one wasn't so successful. And as soon as you had passed the threshold, security had sent in people after you.

"We've got company!" Jessie said, and just like that another bike flew past your own. A Shinra troop manned the vehicle, blaster in hand.

The mercenary made quick work of the troop, but security wouldn't let up that easily. More bikes joined you on the tracks, aiming to kill.

Cloud was somehow fighting multiple troops at a time. But there was one more behind you, speeding up so he could take you out. Pulling out your gun, you aimed at the troop's tire and pulled the trigger.

You were always a good shot, but not now, not when you needed it the most. Instead of piercing the tire and ejecting the man from his vehicle, you missed. It must have been the driving, you thought.

Your eyes widened; he was lining up his shot now. On pure instinct, you ducked your head and swerved. Another gunshot rang out, but it never whistled past your head. In fact, it wasn't in your direction at all.

You turned around, watching the man's slumped body and fallen bike become smaller in the growing distance. Just behind you and to the  right was Wedge and Biggs. Wedge couldn't have done it, his hands were steady against the handles. But Biggs still had his pistol in his hand. Your eyes met his.

"Thanks," you shouted to him. He just nodded back at you. And though you just narrowly escaped death, your mind was on the man who saved you instead. You could always count on him to have your back. That stupid little crush wanted to make its comeback, but you pushed those thoughts away. Now was not the time. In fact, there would never be a right time. Not when you were risking your life everyday.

Working with avalanche, you had quite a few near-death experiences. They happened often enough that it didn't really affect you anymore. It was just a hazard of the job, something that you had to accept in order to do the work you were passionate about. But if you were so used to defying death, then why were the creep and his men so scary?

You came upon the realization that death might be the endgame, but what that man wanted to do to you was much worse than death. You had prepared for death, but you never prepared for that. And you only prepared to die on certain terms: if it was necessary for the survival of another team member or the mission itself, not because of some stupid thing you did on a train.

You shook those thoughts away, too, instead,  focusing on the moment. The wind in your hair, the freedom of the tracks, and... more troops? What else did you expect?

Cloud worked to get rid of those men. And you, determined to help, quickly got the hang of shooting while on a moving vehicle. One by one, the troops fell from their bikes. Surely this would be on the news tomorrow morning: Gunfight on the tracks. Or if you weren't so lucky, the headline might read: Shinra takes down eco-terrorists on the tracks.

From behind, reinforcements were moving in on you. Based on the red of their helmets, they were not basic troops. Security was sending in bigger dogs now...

"A-Team's here," Cloud shouted.

"We're not screwed, are we?" Wedge asked. Cloud didn't answer him, instead focusing on knocking the troops off of their bikes. And as soon as they were down, two new troops replaced them.

This new pair's strategy was to surround and attack. They went to both sides of Cloud and Jessie, believing it put them at an advantage.

But cloud, being a former soldier, wouldn't be bested that easily. He held his sword out directly in front of him, confusing both troops, before spinning the bike and knocking them both out in one fluid motion.

For a little while the ride was free of unwanted guests, but only a little while. These next guests didn't come on wheels, instead the flew past your heads and all around your vehicles.

"Drones!" Jessie yelled.

These were harder to shoot, you realized, since they were so much smaller and quicker than troops on bikes. But cloud was taking care of most of them. Thank God he was here.

And then there were drones and troops. Both enemies were aiming to kill, and you didn't know which ones were of bigger concern. Biggs and Cloud seemed to be taking care of the drones, so you turned around and shot out some more tires. This got rid of a few of them. But then the rest just... stopped? They had skidded to a halt behind you, retreating back to wherever they came from.

Turning around, you helped cloud and Biggs take down the rest of the drones. Looking around one last time, there was nothing trailing you. Something about that didn't seem right. Shinra never played like that.

The true night sky was coming into view, something you never saw very often. Finally, you made it topside. You looked up at the sparkling stars above, their light swirling through the night and blending into different shades of blue with the night sky. And for a moment, you forgot about it all. Avalanche, mako, the reactors, the creep; they were all just distant memories. Right now you were safe.

Too bad that peace didn't last...

[weeniewrites]

OKAY ONE LAST POST BECAUSE IM ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE AT NOT TALKING

its a more serious one though, so if you dont wanna see me be more personal go ahead and skip i dont mind. im gonna ramble abt the shame i feel with having sadistic thoughts and fears of sexual agency, and kinda, sex in general, maybe some self destructive behaviors? kinda honestly putting my soul out there. its a bit of a vent post. im not having a bad night or anything, just thinking a lot, and want to get those thoughts out of my head

i, really outta do some research on actual sadism or just, see other people who have similar thoughts cause ill admit i feel a lot of guilt about it. like id never, ever, EVER want to hurt another person, and the idea of even spanking someone consensually is very scary to me

but this isnt a new thing for me, some of the first things i found arousing as a kid involved pain. i was fascinated by inuyashas blood covered hands, and rewatched part of a youtube letsplay over and over and over again just to hear the noise link made when he got injured again. same with part of that animated 2ne1 music video where the villain grimaces when his car gets hit. these are really vivid memories for me so like, i know this isnt some suddenly new thing for me. (im also repulsed by gore but can also find it beautiful in art, and writing violent stuff is therapeutic for me but can be REALLY triggering if im reading it)

and i dont know if that sorta, anti kink purity culture thing the internets been moving towards has contributed? to that shame i feel, or if thats just my empathy acting up. because i really do care strongly for people, basically every person i ever meet. and i, sort? of understand the appeal of masochism myself, and i definitely understand the appeal of domming. but i dont understand how to control a scene, how to start up a scene, how to monitor the subs mental state, how to even take that control in the first place because even imagining doing that scares me so, so fucking badly

so i write noncon dom stuff, so i dont have to figure out how to get them there, or how to keep them safe, and i get to satisfy that deep hidden desire to scratch and claw and smile and laugh at someone shaking and crying in fear. or if its soft, just taking care of them and loving them and being loved and needed i can imagine companionship in the only way i understand how, through sex. ive had very few long lasting close friendships, ive never had a crush, and honestly im not, sure? i enjoy sex? like i like being touched but once i have to do it back i get really scared (unless we take things really slow, but im also very inexperienced). i just like being desired, or honestly getting touch of any kind and thats the only way i know how to ask for it

and i kinda, only realized that fear recently. i dont think i had it when i was 18 and I was just starting to interact with people online. but back then i wouldve never dreamed of flirting with anyone either. (had that fuckin trauma BOY HOWDY)

um, to bring this around to what brought these thoughts out, a while ago i was flirting with a friend, we just did that for fun absolutely no sexual or romantic intentions involved. and they told me about how sore they were and i responded back with a grin and giggle and a growl and a laugh and said all the different ways id love to bend and prod them to make it worse because, well, I’m a sadist. and they liked it. i got dizzy with how much i enjoyed that teasing. i literally started slurring my words and had to stop because i couldnt talk anymore, just drool and lay in a warm fuzzy heap of satisfied feelings.

and then afterwards we talked for a bit and as i calmed down and came back to myself i just, i felt like i was going to burst out of my skin, shakey and unsteady, head buzzing, nearly obsessive with the need to tell them i’d never hurt them and make sure i hadnt. so i told them. tried to keep control of myself but i cried. i was near fucking inconsolable. i was terrified i made them uncomfortable, went too far though everything was consensual and it was just flirting, not even explicit! teasing at the maximum! we’d said far spicier things before! they knew i’d never hurt them never want to hurt them never dream of hurting them. and i still cried. i felt wrong. i felt mean i felt horrible, and i’d enjoyed it

and im still a sadist, i find specific kinds of pain arousing, i dont like scarring or blood, preferring discomfort over all, and occasionally i write much much darker content that i dont find sexually appealing, but helps me get out my anger and other emotions i dont know how to process otherwise, and sometimes its just, fun? i know i dont want to hurt people, and i know these things are helpful for me, but i still feel shame

honestly a lot of the kinks or fetishes i used to like, im not sure if i do anymore, either because i just, dont, or ive realized theyre not as acceptable as i once thought, or theyre just not as common online anymore. and i dont feel comfortable sharing them, whether out of fear of rejection, or of making someone else uncomfortable. considering some of the stuff i enjoy imagining or writing i cant read myself. thats, kindof a weird contrast isnt it? (but that might also be because when i was younger, much younger, id read very dark fics, or angst, or look at gore, animal death, death and the nearly dying, as a form of self harm, purposefully seeking out what i knew would trigger me just to keep me dissociating for as long as possible so i wouldnt have to feel, and i’ll admit this is still a mild problem for me, but ive gotten leagues, leagues LEAGUES better. and i try very hard to heed warnings, because i know no one would want me to do that with their works)

cant i just have fun, do i have to have all these shames and memories to go along with this kind of stuff. whyd i find it when i was younger. why do i so closely associate porn and sex with pain when ive never really stopped consuming it. why cant i admit i just want to be held and told im important and enough instead of imagining getting dicked down by men who i both wouldnt be attracted to irl and be scared of