#IM SO SAD I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING ALONE AND CANT WORK WITH OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE SUCK

[jawnjendes]

wowwwwwweeeeeeee

[alchemiclee]

I wish to have a friendship and work partners and creative minds to collab with like the hsr VAs. every time they do stuff together, it's always so beautiful and wholesome and supportive. what they have is what i've been wanting for years. i've tried, but finding a group of people who are wholesome and genuine and kind and creative and want to do projects with me and hang out and all that has been impossible so far and i'm so sad😭😭😭

but i'm glad it exists somewhere in the world at least, and they share it with us.

[drawlody]

My list of Adam ships♡ n my opinion bout them (also fics rec :D)

Adam x Luicfer (Adamsapple/Duitarduck) 10/10

Need i say more:)))??!?! started out as a "haha funny slip-up ship" to "hey they got really good angst potential". The friends/lovers to enemies to lovers is STRONG with this one n i am eating up everything i could found on ao3. Smth bout this macho-ass man finally getting to stay back n not take charge for once feel nice, also princess Adam supermacy wooooo. Whoever came up with the ship name i applaud u cause that's like a 3 layers name(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

It's not an Adamsapple fic without Adam having at least 1 mental breakdown n Lucifer have his guilt eating him alive:)))

Very fucked up torture but i swear it worth the pain:D The dove is so dead it start to rot so plz read the tags properly (plz check out the AngeliaDark other works too they got good shit)

This one have a splits so check out both the fics (beware the author have a skrewed sense of what is considered wholesome:))))

I didnt think a smut scene could be this sad

Adam x Lute (Guitarspear/Guardrock) 10/10

Litteraly my first Hazbin ship, assholes in love is an underrated dynamic we desperately need more off:))) That with a dash of evil dude x loyal subordinate (which i havent seen since the Deathglare days) n opposite attract (look they have one main thing in common is that their extreme bloodthirst, other than that she's stricter than ur mom n he's lazier than the Sloth ring itself but that the beauty of it no? He convince her to chill tf out n not to burst a blood vessel, she keep him on track n make sure Sera dont come on their asses)

They're just being silly enabling each other terrible behaviour n i love that for them (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ) Litteral besties i tell ya

Heavy non-con shit involving Val but Lute will revenge our boi i promised u that

Cool idea n they r just made for each other damn

First hazbin fic i read which is a really cool smut:D

Adam x Micheal (we need a ship name people ) (update: it's Songbird/Guitarhero) 10/10

I like how we dont even got a proper comfirmation of Micheal design/personality yet the ship is here already ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ( im using the Nakariiale's design as a base here love their design)

Hit me with that rebound love x "u look like my ex so im using u as a replacement but ill fall for the real u eventually" x co-workers in heaven. I'm thinking smth along the line of "after Lucifer fucked off with Lilith, Micheal became Adam guardian angel n they just hang out" ya feel me here? (✿◕‿◕✿)

Shout out to Bloog_b for dragging me into this ship:DDD also im on the Adam x the archangels ship as a "gotcha" to Lucifer of sort. Like bitch u stole my wives imma steal your brotherS

Look it's Adamsapple endgame but trust me u will be feed well on this ( u know how good u gotta be for people to ditch the main ship?)

I'm giving yall 4 fics here cause i can only found 4 rn(._. )

this one is uhh non-con so beware

Micheal is indeed Adam guardian angel in this one:D

Adam x Eve (Flowertunes) 8/10

I dont care what yall said they love each other throughout Eden n Earth , might have a falling out in heaven but that doesnt change the fact that they were once IN LOVE. Honestly why cant we just have a couple that have the same bright-eyed innocence like one another.I refuse to believe Eve like willingly cheat on Adam with malicious intent n all, simply she was indeed ''tricked'' or just not fully understand the sistuation, n Adam love her way too much to think that she would do that to him like Lilith. Hell the dude was heartbroken after L left , starting the abandonment issues, so he would have cling to Eve, doing everything so that he aint alone again, even if that mean leaving Eden

Honestly it pisses me off that the Adam/Eve tag on ao3 most of the time is just 1 dialouge between them back when Eve bit the apple n thats it no elaboration on the couple whatsoever >:(((

Lots of switcharoos

sinner eve woooo

look its hard trynna find a fic focusing on them ok?

Adam x St. Peter (Guitargreeter (bet ya didnt see that coming:))) 7/10

Base on this fanfic alone Joe my dude u r on the path of becoming THE Adam crack-ship writer n i am here for this:)))) just so u wait this dude gonna whip out a AdamxNifty , AdamxHusk fic later on ( •̀ ω •́ )✧

From within the fic itself the ship its 2 bros in love with homophobia standing in the way >:( also when did we have a name?!?!?!?

I just like Adam x anyone in heaven alright:D like bro famous n he got that ancient rizz, u telling mr he cant bag a hottie or 2-100+ hmm?

Adam x Alastor (Angelicradio) 8/10

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT ABOUT THEM THAT I SHIP I JUST DO φ(゜▽゜*)♪ i blame YOU honestly rn this ship is either Adam found Al after the fight n they make a deal or they're in heaven n they chillin this ship is confusing:D

They're angels on heaven

Adam gone back into eden n do shit differently

This is both Adam/Eve n Adam/Alastor kinda

Adam x Alastor x Lucifer (Angelicradioapple/ Charlie's dads (only me call them that lol)) 9/10

''Hey Charlie u know how u r sad that your mother left? Wellllllll i got you 2 new dads suprise:DDDD''

Look 3 miserable men who hate each other + hell's greatest dad + my love for Dadam = Messy ass old men yaoi :DDDD n it work perfectly with Alastor Asexuality too!!! Like Adam n Lucifer could fuck each other brains out before Al joining in for the cuddles lol

Chaos ensue

Not exactly a love triangle but a love corner but hey we barely got food here :D

I cant believe how hot this shit is lol

Adam x Eve x Lilith x Lucifer (Eden poly/ applecore?) 8/10

They could have been all married to each other(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ But as much as i go "OooOooo Poly yay'' i just cant vibe with EvexLucifer, like the cheating vibes is wayyyyyyyyy too much i just cant man . I mean with the interpetation that Lucifer came to Eden to hang out with the humans they all know eachother, they're a throuple yes but BUT when Eve came into the picture it was only with Adam n him only so the other 2 is ehhhh. Im fine with EvexLilith cause im seeing it happening later, not hidden from Adam while LuciferxEve got that deception going on .So uhhh in this ship they're more like bestie than lovers to me¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also AdamxLilith is an underrated pairing like everytime i saw this applecore thing going on these 2 r at most tolerate each other like cmonnnnn we already twist this to hell n back, why cant we make it so their arguement was a petty non-malicious one n they still cares for each other hmm???

They're one happy family

IDK what to tell u bittersweet reunion n loving family is the only typa fic u get with this ship

Not that im complaining i need this wholesomeness

Adam x Mammon (Adammon/Madam/Greedyguitar/ 1st chirstmas.... hasnt had an offical name yet) 10/10

They r litteraly same person different font idk what to tell u. More insults thrown around than Guitarspear but they're pretty similar. Adam is just " sinners suck ass but this dude is the worst in the best way". Also they're both big bois (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧ , they love towering over others

I'm sorry but there r barely BARELY

any fics of them :(

The art side is more plentiful tho :D

Adam x Angel Dust (Holydust/guitardust) 5/10

THEY ARE BESTIES YOUR HONOUR n that the exact reason why i cant see them be together as a couple 100%, like the shit-talking bff vibes r wayyyy too strong XD Angel finally got someone who have the same vulgar humour as him n if Adam got married in hell Angel would 100% be his best bitch of honour (≧∀≦)ゞq(≧▽≦q)

They're best friends who have casual no-string attached sex that is ACTUALLY no-string attached:)))

I came to ship them due to those "What if they're co-workers under Val' scenarios ive been seeing on Tumblr

I got like 1 fic on ao3 i mean if u r looking for just platonic friendship between them then rest asure most Adam's redemption fics have that

I got 1 fic on tumblr

Adam x Charlie (Charadam/Guitarprincess) 5/10

U know this ship give me a pretty bad first impression since a good chunk of the fics r either heavy non-con shit or lean wayyyyy to much into the daddy kink, ya know how Charlie got suppose daddy issues n all that jazz?:))) yeah that... that

But after seeing the art side of this ship im chillin with them now, since the art r pretty wholesome, usually having them decked out in punk-rock clothings hanging out. It's a big "Fuck you" to Lucifer n i live for these mf argueing ╰(*°▽°*)╯

So uhhh stay away from the fics if ya want an actual functional couple instead of wtv messed up shit we got there:))) But here's a fic anyway, the only one where it feel bearable n actual trynna go into said messed up relationship i already warn you

We got cracks like Guitarmaid (AdamxNifty), Valadam (AdamxVal) which i dont have enough materials to decied, Classicalrock (AdamxSera) sound interesting but also havent found anything , Guitarhalo (AdamxEmily) is an unexpected find, find i deem them to be more familial than romantic so we'll see if there's a fic good enough to convince me

Edit:i forgot to add Blitzo like Mammon already there why did i forgot

Adam x Blitzo (i dont think anyone even ship this but me:)) 7/10

I cant find a single fic where they has anything more than a 1 nightstand n 1 interaction where they hit it off , i live off imagination alone (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`) but like fr fr they would match so well, like their bloodlust n general jerkiness would make them the 3rd asshole x asshole ship on this list :DDDD

Tho as much as i wanna see them go further i feel like an on-n-off relationship/friends with benefits fit em more ya know ( *^-^)ρ(*╯^╰) If ya have any fic but the 2 here that have them interact lemme know cause a bitch need food :)

This is a lot of tag(._. )

[qumiiiquinnquin]

im scared to tell my psychiatrist i tried to end myself twice within a month (sep-oct). i dont know why i am. i have to call the office myself since im an adult now, but im really scared making phonecalls. i have to do it because its been since april that ive seen my psychiatrist but i have to do it. i dont know when ill do it, im too scared. that fear frustrates my family a lot. i feel like im already a failure of an adult and will continue to be like that forever.

today was mostly good, just uneventful until this evening. but now im feeling depressed and i want to cry until i cant anymore, but i cant cry, so i just feel bad. i dont feel tired so i dont want to sleep, but its almost midnight so i should soon. im feeling stressed out about needing to call the psychiatrist's office, so i dont feel like i can relax at all.

ive just been feeling bad a lot lately but thats not new, i say think that to myself every other week or so. whats making me sad the most right now is hating my art. i dont have any confidence in my art but i want to get better, but i dont think i ever will. i will always have mediocre talent, no matter how hard i try. i keep thinking about burning my physical art and either deleting my digital art or just even destroying my laptop, though the latter is very excessive, but i still think about it every now and then out of frustration. i want to give up but i really dont know what else id do, ive always drawn since i was very little, its always made me happy. i really want to not care how upset stopping would make people, including myself, but if i dont stop out of just purely giving up, i probably will stop because i k!lled myself.

every day is feeling the same, it even felt that way when classes were still going. i got so used to the schedule that i got used to the systematic cycle. i partially dont want classes to start again because of that, its boring and the amount of work is stressful, im just going to go back to breaking down and nearly attempting from stress and lack of confidence that i can really do this, that i can really power through and get the degree i want. i keep getting told im smart and always work hard, but that really doesnt mean anything now. being and doing those things doesnt suddenly mean that because of those things, ill survive the stress. it only actually makes it worse, like im ridiculous for feeling the pressure and have the mental health collapses that i do because of college, that im not trying hard enough and am lazy.

for some reason the desire for love has been on my mind and i dont know why, youve seen the pathetic longing things i say about romance. right now i feel like i am missing out and am a failure by societal standards for not even have dated in my life, and i still dont have a partner at 18 years old. i feel extremely lonely to the point that seeing other couples makes me depressed, which is probably selfish of me. i feel like and believe now that i will always be alone. i know i am not beautiful to anyone, i know i am not funny, i am not interesting, im a pain in the ass, im too much to deal with and am just unlovable in general. i hate feeling this way, i never cared about romance or relationships and have always been repulsed at the idea of me ever being loved romantically or being in a relationship. i feel stupid. i feel like a jerk. i feel like i deserve to be alone forever, and i really do. or maybe, just end myself, if im so unlovable in every way, then why not just weed myself out? whoever takes my place will be much more worth it than i ever could be. its so stupid thinking about myself d*ing from a broken heart. "just grow up, sad excuse of a grown adult." (in quotes because its a direct thought to myself towards myself, nobody else)

i really doubt everything will get better, ive felt this same exact way for 3 years now. sad, burntout, stressed, like im nothing but a problem for my family, a burden and waste of time to be around or talk to or care about. i did attempt once in 2021 but failed, obviously im still alive. i really want to try again. im really scared of pain, so im trying to find the quickest way or the least painful option. if i just call, i can get different meds or a different dosage and i wont feel this terrible. im so childish for an adult to be unable to make a fucking phonecall. i feel like next year might be it, im not sure why i get that feeling, but i dont have any reason to keep going. im not looking forward to anything. nothing is really that fun or exciting, i just try to distract myself. i know im not wanted, and im too difficult for my family.

its now a half hour after midnight because im incapable of shutting the fuck up. i might just lay down and watch youtube or cry myself to sleep, whichever happens first

[ajahahahah]

Im gonna be 17 in four days i dont know if i should kill myself or not i have tried to find love for years but my mom was in the military and i dated did everything you should but once you move they are gone specially when you only know em for two years now i barely have any friends i just moved here because my mom wanted to be closer to family and i have no one i really wanna kill myself but i know if i do either i wont exist anymore i wont even comprehend existence i will go to hell cause i know im shitty person or the other ending where you exist but dont i hate myself i hate who ive become i hate what ive done i wanna die for it but no one know anything of what ive done how ive acted how i am who i am im just a husk a lier a non empathetic bastard i hate myself i hate everything i am id take pretty much anyone to date anyone to help me have a single reason not to die but that isnt happening because people who are easy to date quick to break even easier so im here alone in my room unable to sleep permanently thinking wanting to die unable to pick up the rope unable to pick up my knifes unable to change what i did in the past i wanna die because of that i dont know how long im gonna last maybe ill get past college realize my dream job was a sham work as a firewatch realize i cant be alone work as some stripper just for money realize im ugly fat a loser work my quote un quote dream job and wish i was dead everyday unable to find someone to love someone to care for someone who i can hug kiss anything and ill commit truly finally free from the stresses of life i wish i could do that now but i cant im unable to i cant risk it i have two more good years then im dead because after that ill be throw out like my brother hated silently people worried about but not caring enough to check until its too late i know I’m an idiot for writing this but im screaming into a relentless void which no one will ever see so i will use this to post pone my demise a day a year a decade who know next time i write one of these thats how you'll know after im privileged i got hit by two cars can walk im alive my mom is well off so i shouldnt be depressed why should on the surface i have great parents not many family members have died not many direct family have died either so why am i sad i dont know im unable to say when insay i wanna die i dont know why its a mixture my body my social life my hatred towards me not studying and playings game that help short term but long term no i hate that i waste my time doing this i hate my self because all im doing is screaming and accusing and being stupid and annoying angry all i do is complain while i should just accept my death or just keep going till i do

[coastxlwaters]

*cough* hullo i hope this isnt a strange or rude thing to say- but as like. a person from the side of sams who likes to ship things, i very much love and appreciate how kind you are!!! some people who dont like to ship things (which is 1000% okay btw, we all have our preferences) are. very big on harassment (and so are some people who *do* ship things, to be fair), but you are just. a nice person!!! ive seen you advocate to leave shippers alone and to not harass them, and that you should just block people you dont agree w instead of pestering them. and i thank you for that a whole lot, sincerely!!!

okay thats it buh bye

-bird

You just made my day, its not weird! I love to get these kinds of things, and yes im against harassing others for their own preferences. I do not like to make my blog about this stuff, and i do follow many shippers! Their art is super cool, and i just avoid the shipping parts they make. I mean, im not a romantic shipper (other than solruin) but i do have a QPR ship of dark sun/solstice x eclipse. I have lost many, many followers and mutuals from that and i dont want other people to have that feeling of dread or sadness when they watch their follower count go down or be blocked by sm they would once call their friend. It really does hurt even if you understand the reason why.

I do draw the line of shipping when it comes to minor x adult though, so i am not some amazing person who has the ability to forgive everything. I appreciate that i have had several asks like this that have made it seem like that, but i am not that great of a person.

I also think there are some that do not ship that go and harass others that dont ship under the disguise of being sm who does ship so it throws more hatred to the ones who do ship and enjoy that. I think that as i have seen it happen many times IRL and in other fandoms. Its a way to make the other side look bad, it usually works.

Im not saying that shippers do not harass, as i have seen some that do, but i am saying both sides are in the fault here.

Im adding this here:

Do. Not. Hate. The. Show. For. Disliking. Some. Ships.

They are real people who also have boundaries and preferences, we understand that yall ship the characters and not the VAs (i mean, some have done that and you really shouldnt do that) but think of it like this.

You and your sibling/close friend (just sm who you dont feel romantic attraction to) make ocs, you post them online. Then people start shipping them. You would get uncomfortable, right? Since a part of your brain is thinking: “but me and my (non romantic partner) dont like eachother like that, but now yall are making this stuff and making us uncomfortable.“

Ofc i feel as if the VA’s could have handled some things better, but we are all human and make mistakes. Just dont bring them into this. So tag your stuff correctly, do not harass, and enjoy the stuff that you enjoy and ignore the stuff you dont. Thats what you call basic human decency, you can be mad at them all you want in your head as long as you dont say it.

Sorry for the long rant, but i cant reblog stuff like this due to being blocked by people who do say stuff like this so i wanted to get this out and on my blog. And i swear to god do not go annoy or harass the people who do say this stuff and saying “why did u block this person!“ they have their reasons for blocking me and others and we should respect them. I have seen people who do this and i dont like it. So dont go harass another person for blocking sm you may think is nice. For all you know i could be a bitch and asshole irl and they know me irl and thats why they blocked me.

Dont harass or get angry at sm until you can see it from their point of view. Since you dont know what they are seeing that you are not.

(but this ask did make my day! Im literally so happy rn cause i try to practice what i preach but smt i feel like i fail or do the wrong thing that makes me look like a hypocrite!!)

[sunset-bridge]

gorbo thoughts part .. 3?

goro thoughts update. id like to ramble again

ok i think he might not have ocd actually! i mean he could but like...i dont think theres too many signs. so yes id like to. recall that. i think that was just me projecting LMAO.. its ok! i love learning more about my favorite guy. you know what he does have

i stand by the ocpd. (obsessive compulsive personality disorder, its a completely different thing from OCD. its a personality disorder) also Definetely ctpsd (complex ptsd)...... ! i was talking with someone and they brought it up and i was like. WOAG.. after reading about it

disclaimer: i only talk about these because i have them LOL.. im sure gorbo has a cute soup of Other problems but like. i cant really talk about those well... i find these two really interesting though.

see. ocpd, is like the perfectionist control freak disorder. its what people Think ocd is lol. BUT as a personality disorder, its so much more than that. people with ocpd also:

-you tend to have a black and white moral code

-your way is the only right way.

-you like to do things alone because no one else could do them right; this may cause relationship problems and you may come across as a fucking cunt ( i know this..)

difficulty compromising and accepting any critisicim of your actions or opinions.

excessive devotion to work and productivity

sosososo afraid of failure even if its kinda small. you feel it will ruin your image forever and ever. if i make a mistake put me to death please.

Frequently become overly fixated on a single idea, task or belief. even to detriment of . everything else in your life...

yeah...

me and some friends definetely see some of these in goro! ofc im so happy to hear what you guys think, i dont mind changing my views at all (like with the ocd thing i changed opinion about!)

like.. hes super fixated on his revenge plan, its the Only thing he cares about and everything is fair game if it allows him to advance that. leave him alone, its no one elses problem. he knows what hes doing. he has to be right about his values and beliefs. he has to. or else whats the point. dont tell him hes wrong. what do you mean? you dont know anything about him. he cant fail, he cant make mistakes, he has to work hard so everyone sees him exactly as he wants to and as someone valuable.

and. cptsd. as the name suggests its. a form of ptsd but..it has the Special Added features of:

-sometimes cant control emotions well

-you feel angry distrustful and resentful at the world in general

you feel worthless, empty or forever damaged by an event. like if you were stained with dirt forever.

you feel isolated. like no one could ever even understand what you went through (not in like an. edgy kid way. like fr. you feel even if you explained to people. they wouldnt understand you and your feelings. or theyd judge you and further hurt you...)

avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult (!!)

escapism or depersonalisation...dissociative behaviors .

yeah.. ! yeah. i think these ring quite some bells huh..! its really shitty! you feel like no one would get it, like no one would like you, like you are ruined forever and theres not much to do about it.

makes sense that goro would absorb himself in his plan. after all. he felt he was some sort of curse upon his mom; as if he was the one responsible for ruining her life.. but hed like to "redeem" himself with the revenge plan. he has to, even if its difficult to go on. i wonder if he planned to do anything if he achieved his plan? i dont think so. its a bit sad but.. he didnt really seem to plan doing. or living much more after. its like his whole life he convinced himself his only use would be as the vehicle to enact a revenge years in the making, and thats it.

as if he wasnt a person. just a tool to revenge. i think this is why its so difficult, frustrating and downright distressing to him to accept he too, has feelings and wants and needs like any Normal Person on planet earth. no way. those just interfere with the plan. and he has no right anyways.

i thought how id feel, in his shoes and with all my cute soup of wrong stuff, if some guy showed up, hes the guy i gotta kill. ok. then hes nice with me, as if mocking me. hes better at me in most things. he has friends and family and everyone likes him and he barely moves a finger. while i had to work so damn hard to even get acknowledged?? what does he have that i do not. hes nothing special. so why? then this guy acts like a fool even when hes so extraordinary in every aspect... does he think its funny? for someone so special to pretend to be ordinary. when id kill to be just half as special as him. honestly.. id become super frustrated with this bastard too. his presence would infuriate me. and the most frustrating thing, would be that this guy seems to be the only guy that seems to like hanging out with me. what the hell. guess he enjoys trying to humor me..

man...

[oohbuggypie]

bulldon ramble? **sad violin music**

WHO SENT THIS . SHOW URSELF . BULLDON MENTION THE WORLD STARTED SPINNING I GOT DIZZY AND DOUBLED OVER IN STOMACH PAIN INDUCED BY PURE JOY . BullDon augghh yuughhhh ugh ough ouhh ... taking poison damage because i love them so much . where do i start .

have u seen my ridiculously long post about BullDon already ? bcuz if u haven't it's linked and i think u might love that 🩷 HOWEVER BullDon runs in my veins and i think i can contribute even more to this so ramble NOW!! adding a below cut because i wanna explain the story behind the central headcanon so it may get a leeeetle long + i know some people don't care for ship talk 🩷

okay one of my headcanons mentioned in a previous post is that Don absolutely loves vintage cars . he doesn't exactly care for working on/the restoration of vehicles bcuz he isn't a big fan of spending all that money he cant spare on the correct parts, as well as the hyperspecific research that goes into it .. but that man is head over heels for an old Chevy Bel Air Convertible, particularly one with a glossy red exterior and a cream interior. like that's his dream car above all else, and it's something he's wanted since he was 20

anooother headcanon of mine i believe ive mentioned is that Bull has MONEY! considering that he's a world circuit professional boxer, he gets around in a limousine in his comic strip, and is canonically a celebrity ,, why wouldn't he be at least a LITTLE rich ?? however, despite those riches, he doesn't seem to flaunt it , let alone be the type to rub it in others' faces

so between these two headcanons and incorporating my own culture into my fav things .... i think that throughout their "relationship" (lts unlabeled, they just kiss on each other and r quietly in love), as they got closer and got to know each other more, Bull observed the fact that Don would become ecstatic over any old cars that passed them he on the streets . when Don would see them, he'd make remarks about their beauty and how admirous he was of anybody who owned such treasures. Bull had always cared and been fascinated by Don's love for the cars, but he had never taken into account that he may have a desired one of his own. so one day, amidst Don's ramblings, Bull asked him what HIS favorite kind of vintage car was and why. he knew Don would be happy to share, and Bull was genuinely just interested and wanted to know more- but not only did he simply want to know of his interests and passions - he def had a lil smthn in mind ..

upon learning of the Bel Air Convertible, Bull began spending copious amounts of any spare time he got researching this car; all of its parts, all the models and the years they were released, the special features and their availability in the current times .. any and everything anybody knew about that car, he made sure he knew more. he was determined to buy this car for Don as means to express his love and care for not only him, but his hobbies and happiness .

seeing that Bull spent a majority of his time in New York due to his regarded position in the World Circuit and Don's lesser (but still significant) position in the Major Circuit, having time to freely search around uninterrupted, let alone secretively, was next to impossible . it stressed him out for sure .. until about two months after he learned about Don's dream car; Don informed the WVBA and Bull personally that he would be returning home to Madrid for a month's time to reconcile with his family after being separated for the sake of his career for such large bouts of time. it broke Bull's heart to be separated from someone he loved for such a long period, but at the same time this was his desperately needed opportunity to begin searching for anybody in possession of the car, and figure out how long it would take him to both get work done on it and have it be functional

GETTING TO THE MAIN POINT IM SPEEDING THIS SHIT UP CUZ IM SOO TIRED + HAVE TO BE OUT OF HERE IN LESS THAN 20 MINUTES + I DONT WANNA BORE U 😭

as afore mentioned, the cost of this car (absolute minimum now is about 36k , so i believe 25k? in 2009) wasn't a deathly problem for Bull; he took every step he had to no matter the cost to get the Bel Air properly repaired. when it came time for the paint job, he had to consider just what KIND of red Don really wanted and how it may make or break not only the beauty, but the sentiment of this car. it was the most nerve-racking factor of the entire process; but after some thought he settled for a Cola red. and sure enough, when the time came that Don returned to New York, there aren't words true enough to describe how hard Don cried and how joyous he was for such thought in his name. He couldn't hug or kiss Bull enough, but he could do ONEE thing that would solidify their love

Don taught Bull about cruising and the "culture" of lowriders !!!!!! this is exactly the reason he wanted this car; to cruise with somebody he loves down any and every street they could, in daylight and at night. he made playlists of music he inserted into a drive so that he could have his favorite music play on the radio while they drove about. he taught Bull all about the love that goes into these cars, the love that goes into cruising, and even the love they'd receive from people on the streets when they saw them. Don got to drive the car first, no doubt about that; but his intention never was to hog it! he wanted Bull to learn how to cruise and when the best times were, and eventually he perfected the position in which he drove so that it was no longer just "driving" to him; it was about the love, the smoothness, and the memories it would make

they adore the day drives in summertime an indescribable amount, but their favorite cruises are the ones at night through the downtown roads. that's when the lack of seat belts in old vehicles let Don slide close to Bull and lean on his shoulder, and when they pulled into and parked wherever they resided for the night he could put his hand to Bull's chest and kiss his cheek 🩷

OMG I AM SO LATE TO THIS ONE ANON I AM SO SORRY ! I SAW IT THE SECOND ÌT GOT SUBMITTED BUT IVE BEEN BUSY AS HELL !! BUT FINALLY HEREEE i hope this wasn't too long or too short or tewww boring BUT ITS ONE OF MY DEAREST BULLDON HEADCANONS 🩷 I HOPE U LOVE IT AND THANK U SO MUCH FOR THE ASK 🥹

[just-rogi]

this is so stupid but im depressed, and im angry im depressed because i want to be happy right now you dont understand. i have been struggling so fucking bad these past few months when my health went downhill and i had to go on medical leave, i couldnt see my friends for so long, and i stopped getting paid and its fine i have money saved up but i feel insane guilt at spending any money on anything at all for pleasure while im off work. like ive dropped hundreds on doctors appointments in the past two months and cant rationalize concert tickets or shit. ive been having just bouts of anxiety and grief and i can manage them because i know HOW to manage them but its just frustrating doing all the depression upkeep when i WANT to be happy. i turned twenty two last month and i havent celebrated my birthday since i was in fourth grade because of reasons, and i was really scared of being let down so i just dont celebrate, but this year i begged my closest friend- i dont want a party i dont want people there, i just want to not be alone, and not be sad and i want to listen to 22 by taylor swift. and due to an emergency she had to cancel on me at nine pm the night before and i was so upset about changing plans i just wasnt able to regulate my emotions or be there with my other friend who showed up at my apartment unexpectedly, because i wasnt emotionally ready to be happy, i just didnt want to be devastatingly sad. I have been waiting to play 22 by taylor swift on my 22nd birthday for at least a decade. its so fucking stupid, its SO fucking stupid, but i was so disoriented and depressed that i cant bring myself to listen to it which is dumb because its not even a good song but it was supposed to be happy. my grandmother was the only member of my family who wished me a happy birthday, and less than a week later was easter and i wasnt invited but all my siblings were there. and im trying so hard to go for walks and talk to friends and go to the library and make art, but i keep going to doctors appointments and i cant do shit i used to be able to do and i feel so isolated at home... and it just kinda hit me... im not excited to listen to the new taylor swift album tonight. what the fuck. im taylor swift girl. im like THE swiftie friend. there were people in highschool who only knew me because i loved taylor swift, hell even on tumblr i was known for my stochastic terrorist taylor swift post that went viral, and.... i dont care. Its not even that i dont care- its that i actively dont WANT to listen to the album tonight. my phone lock screen is a sylvia plath poem, i have a full shelf of just my favorite poets, like poetry and taylor swift are my favorite things in the world and everyone knows it... and im not excited. what the fuck. i want to be excited again. i want to be happy about this. im sick of doing depression manitence and going outside and eating fruit and taking showers and going on walks. IM ANGRY BECAUSE IM SICK AND I DONT HAVE ANSWERS AND EVERY WEEK IS A NEW DOCTORS APPOINTMENT AND I DONT EVEN GET TO BE HAPPY ABOUT TAYLOR SWIFT???? cmon man its hard enough i just want to be feeling something again. i deserve to be happy about this so why am i miserable and apathetic. i get it. im a swiftie and taylor isnt even that good and its not even something special because she releases new music every other week..... but man... i want to be excited about something again. its not my fault this time- i did everything right and im still just so fucking sad i cant cope

[forestryfae]

man it is SO nice to find a solution to a really shit problem only for 50 other problems to happen

i am completely alone with zero support in a house i hate, doing as much housework as possible so it can be manageable both in day to day life and so its not hard to just leave when i move, and i still am not getting any help getting rid of the stuff.

i have almost no money and i have to pay to take the train to buy food or neccessities and i was dumb enough to not send a letter sooner so i dont know if ill get my money until after christmas or not, i havent bought more than one christmas gift either cus im fucking broke, and i dont feel anywhere in my body that i want to spend time making something for anyone. my brother still isnt done paying me my money back and literally hasnt talked to me since last time he asked for money, my dad hasnt fucking talked to me in ages and the one time he called in summer it was out of boredom to ask when i was gonna visit them, none of my extended relatives talk to me at all so what the fuck is the point there, and my mom is just. a fucking bitch.

i had her removed as a legal guardian, not even on purpose initially but because folkenemnda or whoever sent her a letter before i was able to have a meeting, so she ofc got fucking offended and now has decided sve cant be involved in anything. she cant call electricians, she cant help fix the house, its "too difficult" for her to have to talk to me or my new legal guardian instead of just buying stuff right away, and she told ME to get a new phone service provider. i had to fix that myself. on top of her being, once again, a useless bitch. dont touch my stuff i say, its fucking embarrassing that you have dirty laundry she implies while moving all my furniture around and doing shit to my kitchen while refusing to acknowledge its my house but still treating it like her own, and not fixing the internet again after they unplugged it.

so i have no access to internet besides my last 150 mb of phone data unless i call some guy to fix it, but they wont be here until next year most likely so its pretty much pointless, and if i buy phone data i have to pay. so if i cant get it fixed ill be literally alone for two weeks straight with no people at all around me and noone i can talk to on the internet. except for fucking. christmas. idk about new years eve. and i dont even fucking like my family, i dont even want to spend time with them, they treat me like shit.

the ac doesnt work since mom got the electricians to look at everything but never actually hired anyone to fix shit and now is completely uncooperative. and after they checked the fireplace in that control like two years ago im not allowed to use it, and mom never actually got that fixed either even though shes been in charge of absolutely everything since forever.

plus both heaters downstairs are set to 27c or max and it still is only like 17 or 19 or so, i have an entire room in the house i straight up cant use cus theres no power and no light and 17c in there and its full of stuff i asked mom to take to the thrift store for me 6 months ago. also i cant leave either heater on if im boiling water or washing dishes cus that overloads the entire fucking thing.

and its just like so much bullshit all at once and ive been spacing out for like 2 hours while writing this cus i get so frustrated and upset and angry and sad. its not fucking fair that my parents literally dont care about me, yet im expected to be fucking sociable and call and visit them and reach out. they didnt reach out to me or support me at all when i was a kid, or a teenager, or an adult, why the fuck would i want to deal with them. but if i dont go to visit them on christmas or i point out that hey. youre not really being fair or nice to me at all, hell breaks loose cus i should be more than happy with the crumbs they give me, as if theyre the best people in the world for fucking. calling once every six months or letting me celebrate a holiday with them.

like. im stuck here for 2 weeks, im broke as shit, no connection to the outside world once i use all my data, i very much am still mentally ill even if im better than before i went inpatient. but once i go back ill have to go back to work and i dont have a psychiatrist to talk to and im not on any meds i think i might need and i havent been tested for anything yet, i havent been had driving practice yet, i can barely talk to my support contact, i need a lot more help than i am being given, im not getting the help i ask for when i do ask for it, and thats on top of shit parents and a shit house and two cats i love but am not sure i can keep given the whole thing where im gone for months at a time. and i just. how the fuck am i supposed to be able to keep a job or ever move out or make friends properly or keep a new apartment or house or be mentally stable. its so much bullshit all at once wtf

[diviinaee]

okokk enough angst I'll give you guys fluff (maybe a lil sad)hcs i have of the listeners bc its almost new years and then 10 days later its my birthday JDJDDJDKDK

warning bc when i say listeners i mean ALL OF THEM. as in starting from angel ALL THE WAY TO MORGANS LISTENER. i am determined to give everyone a piece bc everyone deserves to be seen. although these are just characters, behind each one is a story to be told and i hope i gave each one their own individual little facts

i tried my best to give them each a lil message from me and 4 personal hcs so that all's fair <33

Angel

Y O U S N O T. hehe lemme run before david kills me for taking his nickname

okokk my angel oc is Filipino so if that shines through in some of these thats why 🤭

as much as it may seem like they cant cook, they're actually really good. The main issue is time. Due to work, Angel relies on premade food to be ready to go. which is why when David offers to cook, Angel can't help but feel so grateful

This is canon i think but they have REALLY BAD insomnia. usually David's presence is a huge help but on the hard days, they do need meds

their family is H U G E. David was worried that the pack was gonna be alot for Angel but they were like, "lol you should see my family"

Baaabe

they remind me of my sister lol

is a squishmellow hoarder. oh theres a new one coming out? yea baaabe is the 1st person at the checkout line

their keys jingle. ITS LIKE A LITTLE DOG BELL. everyone hears the jingle and they're like "oh baaabes here"

asher and baaabe are volunteers are the local animal shelters. they spent 25% of their holiday savings for toys, food, and medicine for all the animals in need

i imagine baaabe works in graphic design so they are very much an organized person. THEYRE LIKE THOSE PEOPLE ON TIKTOK WHO HAVE LIKE CONTAINERS FOR EVERYTHING

Sweetheart

ah my baby

dances in ballet. their tiktok is mostly them BANGING their pointes on the floor and milo and aggro starin in the background like 0_o. ballet helps with flexibility which is a MUST if they wanna KICK SOME ASS- i need to calm down dear god.

knows how to play chess and other strategy games. card games especially help simulate strategy for the field of investigating so they really enjoy these types of games

attempts to meet with Marie and Colm once a week. They preach for a healthy relationship with Milo's family

their new house: milo and sweetheart were given a pc by david and angel bc Y E S. now they can play scary games with a BIGGER MONITOR

Darlin'

S I G H this bitch (im kidding i love them)

has nicknames for E V E R Y O N E. oh david? boss baby. asher? pokemon. lovely? pikachu. vincent? whore. ANYWAY-

hates to admit it but they are SO good with kids. they will literally be a jungle gym for the kids and just t-pose

they take value in the small things. their jacket, sam's keys, little things like that. they would never loose anything you give them

back to the kids, theyre weak for sick kids, and overall kids who just have it rough in life. They always try to make it to pack meeting bc although david's lectures are never fun, a kid may need someone to talk to, and darlin would die before they let a kid fall the same way they did

Bright Eyes

this fiesty one (love you twin)

they love being alone. although fred and sam are working on being a lil nicer, bright loves taking in the silence. theres just something so calming about the wind that blows on the trees and the birds chirping at the air

is working with Darlin' on their atitude. they know they have some fault with their turning. they really hate admitting that. But they want to be better and it is a process.

loves girl scout cookies. Its like their lil flag of truce. You know Bright loves you when they share their cookies

they really like hanging out with vincent and lovely. although fred,sam, and darlin are cool, vinnie and lovely just have this sibling energy about them that makes them very approachable. bright always tries to warm vinnie before they go to his house but 8 times out of 10, bright is getting their hair done by lovely while they listen to vincent gush about his cars

Lovely

awe lovely (these are some of @nichiuu 's hcs bc we share the same mind)

is a very calming presence to be around. they just love with so much of their heart and everyone agrees that they are a soul that should be protected

is friends with freelancer. they have nights here its just the two of them and they just gossip about their bfs. gavin and vincent are very happy that they have each other bc it brings a smile to their faces everytime

has a lil pomeranian name khoine (@nichiuu has more on her) and KHOINE DID NOT LIKE VINNIE AT FIRST. she would go out of her way to make sure that vincent knew that she was the queen of the house. he may be the vamp clan's prince, but that did not matter when she is there.

has a sweet tooth. ice cream truck? lovelys fighting the kids for the last tweedy bird ice cream? the restaurant has a dessert menu? lovely is ordering EVERYTHING on it

Freelancer

HEHEHE MY KIN

undiagnosed mental illnesses ill say that. they struggle with alot but they will always admit that their friends are the reason they keep pushing through.

they are anemic. they have weighted blankets and meds for it but they also will allow gavin to just.... lay on them +bonus is caelum lays on top of gavin (more weight THE BETTER)

is a S U C K E R for pixar movies. they joke about how jack-jack from the incredibles is actually their baby

they love giving gifts. almost every weekend is when the damn friendgroup gets together for dinner and 9 times outta 10 freelancer has gotten the boys a new gift

+1 bc theyre my child: they have a cat named Jewels (juju for short) she's spoiled to the max bc gavin just conjures up everything for her. her toy ripped? here's a new one. she wants another little sweater? it LITERALLY has her name on it.

Starlight

YOU POOR INNOCENT SOUL (i didnt mean for that to quote ursula oops)

very dark academia. avior loves it. he loves everything about them . their sense of style, the way they carry themselves through a day, everything (sap)

they love dancing. not professionally but thy just love moving with their mind. its their little form of self expression. Avior is able to tell how their feeling without his ability to read emotions because Starlight is very expressive in their dances

has stims that they try to mask. whenever theyre excited they wave their hands in the air. when theyre proud, they do little claps and whistles. avior makes note of every last one of them to make sure if he should celebrate or help them with something

they love writing. next to the surface they use as a bed in the hellscape, hidden behind a delicate cloth, are little poems that describe a little human and their demon companion an their journey through hell

Sunshine

cottagecore w h o r e

they love thrifting with elliot. every weekend results in new clothes in their wardrobes that they 100% try to match everyday

they have a tiny shake in their hand due to nerve damage from the crash. they find it to be annoying but being with Elliot helps. When he holds their hand and brings it up to his lips, they're at peace.

loves painting. LIKE MURALS. they volenteer to the city to cover some unwanted graffiti that may have negative messages and replaces them with positive affirmations

they love the simple things. grocery shopping, walking to the park, hanging out with friends. It's all a reminder of life and their 2nd chance they were given. Sometimes life is unexpected, so you must love every second.

Bestie (Blake)

oh my bestie (lol get it- bestie- yea ok shutting up)

has an terminal illness (which is why Blake wants to meet a Deathwalker. he believes with a deathwalker's help, he can "cure" their ilness) although Blake is rowing his boat in DaNile, Bestie accepts this fate. Their happy with what they could do in this lifetime

hates mouse traps. their method is harmless traps that don't injure the mice. After allowing the mouse to calm down, they release them in safe areas far away so they have a smaller chance of getting stuck in a trap again

advocates for stuff they believe in. Every day that they live is NOT taken for granted and they are determined to fix some things before they leave this world and let the River's current win

volunteers at hospitals because they know what it's like to be stuck having to listen to machines say how sick you are. however they really try to avoid pediatrics. although they are determined to help, they can't help but admit it is extremely saddening to see parents not able to give their child a normal childhood.

Warden

MY SWEET SUMMER CHILD I AM SO SORRY

Warden is a bookworm to THE MAX. they have bookshelf and have them labeled by human time period. they are very curious of humanity's development from their first years to now

Is roughly young. vega speaks of them in a way of an adult talking to a child. they find this very frustrating. They do their best to seem mature when in reality they are barely starting their journey

warden is one of the many demons who prefer aria over elegy. elegy has too many labels, too much noise. aria gives them a sense of belonging. a sense of peace.

caffine addict. this bitch will chug 6 cups of coffee and will be shaking and their coworkers are just like -_-

Baby (Ivan)

oh you poor child. im not rlly gonna talk about them under ivans grasp. ill talk about them after the whole incident

really loves making sundaes. they don't really have a favorite so they will literally take anything thats ice cream

they don't know why (bc memory modification) but they are really in love with being comfortable. Whether it's plushies or an extra blanket, they have to be comfortable or else they will be up at ungodly hours wondering what's wrong

they also have noise cancelling headphones due to paranoia. the headphones are all decorated and full of stickers of stuff they love

avid water drinker. THIS BITCH IS EVERYONES WATER ALARM CLOCK. oh it's been 2hrs since you've drank water? no shit, theyve LITERALLY BEEN OUTSIDE TELLING YOU TO RINK WATER FOR THE PAST HR ARE YOU DEAF

Baby (Ollie)

you sweet person. YOU MAKE ME TOO SOFT

ollie suffers with a lot of health problems but baby is always determined to help him. they take notes at the doctor's office on what remedies help, what coping strategies they can do for him, and his list of medications

the have a sensitive nose. GOD FORBID they walk past a bath and body works bc then theyre on the floor with ollie trying to regain their senses back

they really try to pay attention to star trek bc ollie loves it but they always fall asleep as ollie pets their hair and whispers in their ear.

they are very protective of their coworkers. they're like the staff's caretaker. Migraine? they got pain pills. Annoying supervisor won't let you take a break? fuck them go take a 20 min break.

Smartass

this little snarky BITC- im kidding i love them.

aaron makes the pancakes, smartass makes waffles. they're just cute like that. aaron tries to roast them about their cooking but e all know he's lying. even he knows it lol

loves true crime podcasts. they joke with aaron about how he better not piss them off. but to aaron it's no joke. he's seen them taking notes. aaron: WHO THE HELL NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT DRUGS DONT SHOW UP IN DRUG TESTS-

i picture them as someone with lots of silblings. unfortunately they are the middle child so they're used to being overlooked. aaron's love was always so confusing bc they felt as if they didn't deserve it

throwback to aaron's confrontation audio: they never really learned about their own personal worth. they only saw worth in what they did aka their school, their job, etc. when aaron says he doesn't care about that and he wants to hear about the little things, they were so scared. he doesn't care? but thats what everyone cares about. right?

Asset

oh you poor robot.

anton is working with asset to give them more opportunities in life

they're like a lil kid, learning about the world and its functions. they have moments where they'll ask questions and anton is just stuck answering them. some are..... (asset: where do babies come from anton: -_-)

james wont admit it but he has a soft spot for them. they were wronged and he feels that dad protectiveness for them

favorite pastime is reading, especially happy books. its proof that marcus was just a bad apple of a bunch. there is more than just that stoic lab. there is color, adventure, mystery, and happiness

Cutie

......my kinnie #givecutieabreakandletthemgototherapyinsteadofgettingmadatthem2023

self sabotages alot. somedays they really start believing that they don't deserve Geordi and his love but he's always there to reassure them that they deserve love.

is VERY impulsive. they aren't in bed? yea they're in the bathroom dying their hair. yea its the 3rd time this week.

pintrest BITCH. they have boards for E V E R Y T H I N G. THEIR EDDING, THEIR HOUSE, THEIR HOME, THEIR WORK. IF IT DOESN'T HAVE A PINTREST BOARD THEN IT DOESN'T EXIST

collects plastic bags. istg they're like my mom. THAT LITTLE SPACE UNDER THE SINK? YEA GO OPEN IT. WHAT'D YOU FIND? PLASTIC BAGS.

Honey

you lil snarky asshat.

is actually very emotional. oh the titanics on? ya ik honey is already crying with a bowl of popcorn on the couch

theyre an overthinker. every once in a while guy will come home to honey hiding in their closet. once he asks what wrong he gets a quiet little "am i too...mean?" it breaks guy's heart everytime

collects seashells bc i see them as someone who loves the ocean. its their little thing that they only have ever told guy tbh. he treasures every seashell they give him bc he knows it's their ay of showing that they love him

streamer!honey is my SHIT. if they were asked "whos important after guy?" they would immediatly respond with "my followers". they fight through life struggles bc they find it important that among all their followers, they can at least put a smile on someone's face

Precious (Regulus)

you poor soul.

they're a very romantic person. if you love them, they will make love letters, gifts, all that. you know that you are loved with them

regulus kinda took advantage of their love for physical touch. they love the feeling of someone's skin. it proves that they're real. that they're here.

loves fruit loops. THEY ARE THE BEST CEREAL NO ONE CAN TELL ME OTHERWISE TYVM

their favorite holiday is Valentine's Day. Even if that year they recieve nothing, the smell of love is in the air as everyone around them loves with all their hearts.

Morgan's Listener

YOU SNEAKY LIL- I WANT MORE. i need them AND MORGAN back.

they are a very closed off person. After living a life hidden away in order to avoid the spotlight, they really want to find a sense of normalcy in the chaos.

they have an Australian Shepard named Leo. he's very energetic and is a puppy still. He enjoys Morgan's presence and that's what makes his owner more accepting of Morgan

they have their own brand of hair products. I see them as Native American and to me and my people, hair is very important. They preach healthy hair and volunteer at the local homeless shelter and love giving haircuts and hair products out for free

they have Morgan as "the oracle" bc of their seer abilities. its a little inside joke between them and Morgan. they really love making jokes of big things to heal their inner child

if there is one thing you can learn from me in this post, it's that I love giving complexity to characters. Often times in real life, you can be minimized to one aspect of yourself. Sometimes it's a bad aspect. But it's important to know that as human beings, we are complex. Remember to give all life a chance. You all deserve love! And I hope I was able to distribute that today <3

[one-abuse-survivor]

im recovering, slowly but its happening, snd its weird. i feel my emotions a lot stronger now, its been around 6 months since i left my parents' house and some days are great, i feel stronger and way more confident than i ever did there, i have an amazing job and i just love life. but there are days where everything is just too much, like today. every part of me hurts on the inside and im just tired. its like my heart aches and my chest has an emotional pain inside of it. my grandad died 4 years ago almost, and i feel like im finally getting the chance to grieve him. every day i miss him more and more and i just want him back. it feels like he died yesterday. my nanan died just over a year ago and i feel like im just processing shes gone. im grieving my grandparents, my parents(who they used to be before they abused me), and my (practically nonexistent) childhood all at once and it just hurts inside. its a hurt that makes me feel alive but i just want it to stop and leave me alone. im hoping this is a normal/regular thing people like me go through, and im also hoping it gets better soon. i know it wont in the near future, i feel all the memories coming back some days and i can only process one or two at a time, and it sometimes frustrates me because i want to get it over with, like ripping a bandaid off, but i just cant, and it has to be done step by step. i just miss my grandparents. a lot. im crying a lot more lately too, just feeling my emotions so much stronger since ive started to truly process my trauma. do they stay this strong or settle down? im triggered pretty easily, which, in time, i hope stops happening so easily. i know recovery is a hard road but im thankful and very grateful that i got the chance to start it so early in life. im 19, moved out at 18, and its a bit hard, just so thankful i have a good therapist 😂 sometimes i just get so angry at everything and want to just hurt myself to make the pain stop, or just feel like i do today, slow and tired and achy. i get the rare amazingly happy day, and make sure i enjoy it, dw hahah but idk i just wanted to vent/say this in hopes of hearing that other people are going through this too, and that im not alone

Hey, nonnie. I'm so glad to hear you're away from your parents and recovering from the abuse and trauma you endured. That's amazing, I'm really happy for you ❤️

Yes, in my experience, it is normal to experience these sort of shifts inside you, especially during the first few years of recovery. I personally also went through phases where I would cry almost daily, phases where my emotions seemed out of control, or where I randomly felt immense grief/anger/sadness/disgust. And I can tell you that, in my case, with the help of time and therapy, the bad days, which used to be frequent and leave me exhausted, have become rare and much more manageable. Now, 5 years into recovery, I can have a bad trauma moment (hell, I can even run into my mother) and still enjoy the rest of my day. And my emotions have become much more stable, too. I rarely feel like I'm not in control of them.

Obviously, not everything is easy or perfect. I still live with PTSD, and there's plenty of things I still need to keep working on, like being vulnerable and trusting others, but... The good days have definitely become the norm over time, instead of the exception. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I had a proper emotional flashback or ugly-cried from how overwhelmed I felt (knocking on wood, haha).

So, yes, nonnie, it does get better with time. Recovery isn't linear—I'm sure you've heard that already—but it does get better. Though there may be ups and downs, and you might go through completely unexpected lows as you process all your emotions, the tendency will be to move upwards, and, if you're anything like me, one day you'll wake up and realise you can't even remember the last time you ugly-cried or felt like the world was ending. You'll just be living your life.

You're doing amazingly! There might still be bad days ahead of you, but there are countless good days to come, too.

I hope you can find ways to safely express your anger with the help of your therapist, and I hope you have the space and tools to process some of your grief and trauma memories as they resurface.

Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

Oh, and if anyone else wants to reassure anon that they're not alone, feel free to do so!

[credulouscanidae]

everybodys lives are going to continue without me. theres going to be so many memories made, happy memories, while i’m gone.

but really....is that any different to what it’s been like the last 3 years anyway?

theres so many people that i wanted to see before i moved. so many more activities and memories to make. but i guess it’ll never really feel fulfilled no matter how many things i got to do.

my body is screaming at me to rest. but the anxiety of everything i need to do is keeping me restless and awake. the urgency of time running out wont stop nagging at me.

ive started asking for help from others, to get things done. and im exhausted. admitting i cant do this all myself makes me want to fucking scream, and the negativitiy i feel from asking for help and feeling horrible and lazy and like i just use people. 

but whats the point in running around after everyone anyway? im slowly realising just how much compassion fatigue from my job has affected me, a key symptom literally being distancing self from loved ones. cool. lol.

ive been putting up so many walls and havent seen people even a quarter as much as i used to. obviously lockdowns were a factor, but god. why is it so hard to talk to anyone? why do i get a message, want to reply, blink, and 3 weeks have gone by?

is that why people dont seem too sad that im leaving? because have i already emotionally left from their lives? will i even be missed? 

starting a whole new life is so daunting. of course i want this to happen. this is one of the best things to happen in my life. 6 years of waiting and grieving is going to be over. i know it wont be rosy and easy once im there, and theres probably gonna be just as much running around organising bullshit like ive been doign for months, but at least it’ll be near the end of that.

ive spent so long being occupied with the practicalities of everything that i havent even had a chance to process it’s happening. and ive just had this longing sadness and anticipation and....idk. 

i just dont want to be alone.

i dont want to be forgotten...

i dont want to be homesick.

i dont want to feel like im just even more distant than i already am from everyone.

my passion and empathy has been drained out of me. im a horrible neglectful friend no wonder no one seems to care. 

im just so over it. and its not like i can even have time to work on my therapy tools because every hour is precious and dedicated to sorting things out, so i just have to keep going no matter how insane i feel. so all these feelings are so hard to combat, the rsd is so bad, and then im just too exhausted emotionally and physically to do anything about it.

im just fucking over it.

11 days.

[enn0s]

just keep goin...

i know... i know everything feels like its on fire, and your support system feels like its crumbling and your body is being used as a testing ground in order to plead at the feet of doctors that dont respect your decisions.

i know the hormones make you gain weight and they make the suicidal thoughts so so so loud again

i know your 10 year fixation on bts has to come to an end by forces way out of anyone's control

i know it hurts to wake up every day again and it makes you hide away from your loved ones

i know you isolate when you're hurt because you're more prone to emotional outbursts than you are a civilized conversation about what you need and thats just... its not who we want to be to our people

i know your hands and wrists are held together by duct tape and bubble gum and you still go to work and use them to heal others because you need to make money and you're so so good at your job even though its well past the time you need to step away from it for your own health and safety.

i know you've lost 3 people in the span of 2 months and it feels like the grief is eating a hole through you from the inside out

and i know how much its screaming inside of you to just fucking rest but you hold so many people in your head and your hands and your heart and they need you and you are still learning how to say that you need someone too...

im you....of course i know.

but you cant hate yourself out of this

no matter how much you internalize your anger and your hurt and your sadness it wont go away

it will just keep slipping through the cracks and seeping into your bones and screaming through the knot in your throat

you're just a person

you're doing all of this for the first time and this is the start of a lot more to come

its gonna have to get worse before it gets better

we're gonna have to change and find new safe spaces and adjust again to a world that was never built for us

we gotta do it scared, we gotta do it ugly, and we gotta do it alone

and we just gotta trust that we're still here and ok enough at the end of it all

remember to take a big deep breath

just keep goin

i love you

[nahalism]

What would be exemples of way of being performative for other people? I’ve isolated myself for the last few years cause I’ve always felt like I could never truly be myself with other people mostly because I don’t trust anyone or anything except for me (I’m the only thing that has ever remained, I don’t think I could ever like truly trust someone below surface level)

one if the biggest things i learned when it comes to not trusting others is that its often about not trusting ourselves. people will judge us, hurt us, let us down, basically do everything we dont want them to do and fear them doing. but we'll never meet the ones who can prove that wrong if we dont allow ourselves to be open. when you lose the ability to express yourself and your heart because of harmful experiences, the experience wins & you lose in not letting it teach you. dont give it that power. im sure your a beautiful person, thats part of what led you to remain & stand strong for yourself. so trust that the next person to hurt you cant break your confidence in that. they cant take you from you. do the work. love yourself. learn how to assert boundaries (boundaries not barriers!) so that your relationshios w others dont interfere w how you show up for yourself. learn what you do want, what you dont want, and how to let go of what you think you want when its showing you its the opposite. you have what it takes to pick yourself up and put yourself out there again! your effort will not betray you & like florence scovel shinn says a person who is willing to do a thing finds they no longer need to do it. once u come as u are, u will find ur people <3

& as for examples. i was basically a prop. i could never set boundaries in the sense of 'hey this is me this is what i like. this is what i dont like' because i didnt know. my sense of self and comfort stemmed directly from if i was making people around me feel good. if i was, i felt safe and i felt invisible. if i couldnt fix it, id sit in their sadness with them. it was a bad habit but also also a symptom of cptsd. i was also hyper sensitive so would read the ppl around me's emotions and reactions to know which version of myself i could be. so id walk into a room of people, and gauge who was safe, who wasnt, what people wanted, what they didnt want, what they expected or would appreciate from me, and what they wouldnt, and id literally become that very person/thing so that i didnt have to be/feel rejected or have too much focus put on me and what i actually was for fear of being attacked for it, or attacked period. id never do expressive things, even alone in my own house, & i mean basic things like dance or sing or play too loudly for fear of being mocked or spoken badly to and it got so intense id stage 'acting normal' when i was alone cause i thought i was being watched by hidden cameras. i had no autonomy or sense of self. i simply existed to do things that made others feel better & over time i was so fragmented within that i was completely detached from any concept of myself, or my emotions and my needs. my sense of self worth = how i was able to meet the needs of others or the mood of those around me. hope i answered ur question. wishing u strength of heart and mind <3 lots of love

[fenmori]

ask game answers!

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated honestly i think a lot of my pieces are overrated/i dont expect people to be that into my stuff so i don’t really have a solid answer for this... possibly this piece because it still holds up but otherwise i get super critical of my old work. only move forwards and all that

10. Favorite piece of clothing to draw big coats, hoodies, things that move and swirl. if u follow me on my side twitter you know i love drawing eli’s coat haha

3. What ideas come from when you were little a lot of dragons obviously, i was also really into making whole fantasy worlds when i was young (for some reason these centered around horses/unicorns?) i can’t say for sure anything specific because the illustrative work i do these days is a bit more abstract, but im still really enamored by complex worldbuilding and interactions.

4. Fav character/subject that’s a bitch to draw i draw most of the things i draw because they’re fun to draw! so again no concrete answer for this

7. A medium of art you don’t work in but appreciate by god i love all traditional media. ive dabbled in ceramics and would love to continue; block printing especially when layered, oil painting.... all things i want to try except i don’t have the time or space for the materials lol. oh also tattooing (ive done flash designs for a tattoo artist friend though which was so cool)

14. Any favorite motifs wings, halos, angelic themes (nothing to do at all with christianity i just like how it looks). obviously bea fulfills my need for all of these. also more abstract, but the theme of loneliness/being alone, sadness, and grief. i like seeing how differently people interpret my work also, one of the great things about the internet!

21. Art styles nothing like your own but you like anyways jp artists who do clean art with the wildest colors and intricate shading will always amaze me. goyagoat, mecchi, arboret, greycreature, a bunch of others that i cant think of rn!! i am devouring everything with my eyeballs

20. Something everyone else finds hard to draw but you enjoy probably the most applicable thing is wings? lol i love drawing wings and feathers, they’re muscle memory enough that theyre relaxing to draw

11. Do you listen to anything while drawing? If so, what yes! i have to have music or a podcast on or else i get bored out of my mind. gonna take this moment to shill joywave as usual. please listen to hdyfn