#IM!!! NERVOUS!!! IN THE BEST OF WAYS!!!!
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alright im gonna need 5-6 business days to Absorb all of that and the maybe-implications
#sitting in a corner and staring at the wall#excuuuuuse me ex-fucking-scuse me#MCFUCKIN MCPARDON MCME.#ohohoho we're starting to slide into the horror aspect now aint we folks#damn what did i say in the scribble i dropped today huh? that i cant wait for things to turn south? that i hope it disturbs me?#that i cant wait for the puppets to lose their minds?#its beginning! the dodgeball lightly grazed my shoulder!#anyway sally hon are you okay. you do not sound okay. i hope you're not okay.#homebogging#absolutely unprompted#IM!!! NERVOUS!!! IN THE BEST OF WAYS!!!!#im gonna be walking through the store in a Daze tomorrow#cant wait to haul more wood so i can do something mindless while my brain chews rabidly on this update#EVERYONE SAY THANK YOU CLOWN & THE PEOPLE WHO WORK ON IT WITH THEM#everyone's doing the most and i need to lie down#screams. screams and wails and cackles so so Evilly#THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE WOODS <3<3<3<3
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I think it was about time I introduced tumblr to my book Crowley... who eventually became a walking love letter to Latino culture lmao
(You can think of him as a Book Crowley who spent way too much time in south america)
Language wise, he's an amalgamation of all latin american spanish dialects (+pt-br) so,, have fun translating some of the things he's saying
#good omens#crowley#aziraphale#ineffable husbands#good omens fanart#aziracrow#book omens#my book Aziraphale is fuckinh HUGE btw#he's taller than show Crowley#also I'm from Peru and of indigenous descent so shhhhhhh to the ppl who could see this as problematic#its happened before and im paranoid#latino crowley#my beloved#sorry to the brits but we re kidnapping your child and raising it as our own#that first and last ones are old#aneh draws#also i just wanna say he didnt start off this way#i literally just wanted to make him physically OBVIOUSLY indigenous#and then everything got out of hand in the best of ways#god im nervous sorry#aneh wont shut up
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Working on it.... I unfortunately can't turn my brain off with the amount of ideas I have for them. My wallet is screaming at me, guys
#hellenic polytheism#Little Ares and Hermes you are so dear to me#im going to reorganize some stuff on it when I get home today because some things are bothering me and I Also cannot turn my brain off for-#- that either.#im using tags as a way to talk bc im nervous#ITS NOT THE BEST BUT I'M PROUD OF IT.#I talk a lot when I'm nervous I'm so nervous posting this guys#hellenic worship#hellenism#hellenic pagan#deity worship#hellenic deities#ares worship#apollo worship#hermes worship#helios worship#altar
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Hi y'all, I just wanted to talk a little about the behind the scenes of what I've been up to, to give y'all a little transparency and to open myself up for any tips or input! 🙏 Thank you for your continued support and for taking the time to look at my art 🫶
First and foremost I wanted to give some transparency about my art capacity.
As og followers may remember, I started this blog when I was doing art full time. Eventually my living expenses grew and I had to go back to work. I find myself in a cycle of "I'll make more art soon, once I get a job!" And "I'll make more art soon, once I am done with this job!" I lost my most recent job suddenly, having had an extension waved over my head until the last day(October 7th). Now I'm excited to have more time for art, but I am also feeling a rush to get a new job ASAP as I've been living paycheck to paycheck. I dream of doing this work full time, I'm just scared it's not quite there yet and I worry that I come off as scammy or dishonest when I anticipate more stability around the corner.
Second, I've been struggling with the Patreon. It's taken me a while to come to terms with this, but from what I've seen Patreon is not intuitive at all from the creator end. It doesn't do a good job of organizing addresses, emails, showing who or who isn't subscribed to me, or organizing and displaying the work I put on there. I've been really shocked by this experience, since lots of big names use Patreon. It's been a great way to streamline support, but it's been unhelpful in every other regard. I would like to continue using it, but I will most likely post more wips or process videos there in the future.
Which brings me to my third point, zines. I love making zines so much, it feels personal and fulfilling and fun! However the Patreon issues make it harder to keep information in order about where to send zines, or even where to message folks about them. In addition to this, the post office has been a big barrier to me, oftentimes only being open at the same time as my dayjob. Making zines can take days, then sending them out is a whole other monster.
This work is so important to me. Drawing peoples fantasies, representing body types, creating work around sexuality and the human experience feels like what I'm meant to do. I've made comics since I was a kid. This is the dream to me. The friends I've been able to make through this work are so important to me, and the conversations have been invaluable. Not to mention fun! I wanna doodle, I wanna draw hot stuff, I wanna thirst over these dudes! I want to play!
But I also just want to be transparent about the barriers I'm working around to share that experience. I'm completely self taught, both in art AND in running shops, building websites, running 8 accounts, etc. I take a lot of time to learn the logistics of these things, and try to make them make sense for my relationship with y'all (I do not want to paywall my art!! I don't want to!!!). This year my desktop broke down (the main one I use for all paintings and digital art). I've paused my Etsy shops and my Patreon to try to catch up with things. Trying to learn to paint in a completely different program. Then lost my job with no savings.
At the end of the day I don't want anything to come between me sharing my art with you. I wish I could doodle a thing, take a picture, and post it here. No third party site, no shop, no subscription. Just sharing my art with you. I promise I'm trying to figure out how to stay as close to that as possible, and I want to thank y'all for sticking with me as I untangle all of that.
So, what can you expect in the near future?
I'm working on a couple of painting commissions right now, which you should be able to see in the next couple of days! I want to catch up on kinktober and get those posted as well. There's a comic commission in progress which I'm very eager to work on, and which I think y'all will be excited for! To ease the weight of the Patreon I think I may do less zines/polls there and more wips and process videos! If possible, I want to do more full colored work too.
Thank you again for enjoying my work, and if you have any input or tips my inbox is always open 🙏🫶💕
#long post#info#marco lore#i wish i had time to edit this and make it nice#i just wanted to be open with yall about how much work this takes and that im trying to make it more doable#i don't want to overpromise stuff with patreon or shops and if im late sending stuff i never ever want it to come off as intentional or mali#malicious or as a scam#im just trying very hard to like ...survive. financially. and then trying to make all the logistics of thos big machine work. and then keep#up with commissions and shops and printing and mailing#god i wish i had employees but jts just me#i hand draw everything and then post it here to the word press to the ig and crop and caption and tag#then to the Patreon if it makes sense to or to the tiktok back in the day#and the formatting is all different#and i get messages across all of these platforms and I'm trying to learn a new way of painting on the fly#on top of that im supposed to be running my two Etsy shops too which im not right now because..broadly gestures#my nervous system can only take losing a job so often. the rug was really pulled feom under me in this one. i thought id have more time#i don't want to sound like I'm whining and i don't want to give up on all of this#i want to be very very very clear that art is what i love and who i am and what i want to do#i want to be posting on the daily again#i just need to evaluate what that looks like everytime life changes#I'm seriously so grateful for those of y'all that have joined the Patreon or bought stuff from the shop i really don't mean to drop the ball#so many times#y'all have literally been the difference between me making rent or not and I'm so worried that i don't make enough art to give back to that#relationship#im trying my best#okay anyways im posting this
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todays the day...
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Today i am in a wee bit of pain. If i watched skizzs 3l pov today and made weird bad takes about him on tumblr dot com would yall forgive me
#i havent watched skizzs 3l perspective because letting me blorboify skizz is a bad idea like in general#but#girls can only think about skizz telling bigb that he’ll only kill people who deserve it for so long before they need to—#bite him and tear him apart violently for information#he said thaf and then killed JIMMY. and CLEO. WHAT HAPPENED BROOOO#like thats so. teehee. toohoo#where did things go wrong for you pal#he’s a case study to me. He’s a commentary on society somehow. trust me (DONT)#this applies to ll!skizz too by the way but that’s a whole other thing i fucking love you team best#(thinks about skizz) what does community even mean to us dawg. Like as humans#bree barks so fucking loud#im nervous about my skizz muts man I love my skizz muts. Please ignore me using your blorbo for my nefarious purposes#i just have thoughts. quite a few. tired of not sharing them and pretending im normal about skizz i need to start biting
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you know what? at least he got his wedding. i guess ,
#liz blogs#knight rider#knight rider spoilers#kr#knight rider liveblog#stevie makes me so fucking sad you dont understand. you dont understand. oh my god.#''at least i could always run into you at the supermarket'' ''thats how i do it too'' yeah. yeah. about that. uh. um. not. anymoRE#oh my god. at least they finally got their wedding. oh m y fucking god. it was beautiful for all of 8 minutes#this episode really smacks you with horrible grief over michaels two best relationships. its not bad enough about stevie#but then kitt rushes to his side after he gets shot. protects him. calls the ambulance. follows behind it the whole way there and looks#after him. god. tapped into the camera in his room and saves his fucking life. SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT FOR WEEKS#AND MICHAEL GETES OUT AND GOES 'YEAH ANYWAY IM LEAVING THE FOUNDATION' BITCH ??????? BITCH ??????????????#WHAT HAPPENS TO KITT THEN 8( YOU CANT JUST LEAVE HIM BEHIND HE'S YOUR FUCKING BUDDY !!!!!!!! HES YOUR PAL#OH MY GOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM GOING TO CRY FOR LIKE THE 8TH TIME#BUILD ANOTHER CAR. PROGRAM ANOTHER AI. THIS ONE IS MICHAELS HE SHOULD GET TO KEEP HIM FOREVER#IM GOING TO CRY MY FUCKING EYES OUT OH MY G O D#i was right to be upset and nervous for this episode. i was right. i was right. oh . my god.#knight rider is ruining my life actually. jesus christ. i thought michael was actually going to Kill for the first time. oh my god.#im so upset. about the tv show. im so upset im in grief im going to cry#Again.#she threw himself in front of him. she threw -#''haha funy show about a guy and his car'' -- five months later i am never recovering. i am never recovering from my decision to watch kr#jesus. FUCKING christ oh my GOD
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Theres no season 4 because theyre too scared to animate the canon gay couple. They know its going to change the dr stone mrm ecosystem forever
#its the smug way that xeno introduces stanley as 'ex military' like yes he used to work for the state but now he works for ME#Listen to my problems#like tsukasen is already so popular if theyre gonna introduce another hot guy x silly guy couple AND theyre adults AND theyre evil#itll be fucking game over. actually maybe not. since theyre adults. they only wanna do dj of kids#and the current stanxeno doujins all have a very specific mature bl vibe that tsukasen struggles to match#and its so fucking funny when he immediately cracks an inside joke because he doesnt like stanleys smoking habit but hes literally the one#making the cigarettes for him like he just fucking loves him its so funny. and then when we see stan actually doing his job he complains#that xeno likes overloading him with equipment because he wants him to be at his best#and near the end he... he SHYLY hands him a pack of chewable tobacco like 'here since you cant smoke in space' <- HUH#like thinking of his nicotine addiction is already crazy enough but SHYLY looking away and handing them to him ? what was that ? why#did he get nervous ? is he gay ?#im not even talking about the face grab scene because stanley was literally about to make out with him if senku wasnt standing right there#this isnt fanfic like he reached out in canon and grabbed xenos chin and forcibly tilted his head up to look into his eyes#and it wasnt for a contrived plot reason he just did that because he wanted to. and it was never explained#like senku staring at ryusuis ass can be explained away because he just likes guys but stanley doing that was so actively and aggressively#homosexual behaviour i cant stress how much he just randomly did that#and the focus on his lips in the previous panels before that part. also pretty funny#his lips that were so beautiful that everybody thought he wore lipstick but no theyre just a perfect shade of deep red
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pushing transfem scout agenda in the style of a meet the scout esque coming out video shes taping for her mom
#long post#scout tf2#team fortress 2#shes the light of my life officer#sniper tf2#not my best drawing of him but#i might delete this cause im way so nervous about tf2#not ocs#comix#tf2
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I keep thinking about how on earth they would canonize ggy bc like. at this point if they have to sacrifice Gregory screentime of just him to make something we already know actually canon, I would rather just take the screentime, but on the other hand they have to canonize it if they want to do anything at all with that plotline, and that makes me wonder if theyll stick with it as canon in the games at all or just leave it as background knowledge if u read the book 😭
#like i love ggy just as much as the nezt person and go crazy at how canon it is but not yet#but also i like gregory a lot more and ggy isnt the only reason hes my favorite#gregory was my favorite for a whole year before ggy even came out#i want him as a person to be developed more than his ggy plot when we already know its real#but gregory himself desperately needs more time focused on his character to tell us more about him#maybe give some context to some of his decisions#best case scenario honestly is Gregory has a protagonist plotline where it showcases his character and relationships with others#as the game progresses naturally with dialogue and stuff (freddy and vanessa being his guides or something)#with the focus being saving cassie#but as the game reaches its climax gregory realises for some reason or another that apparently he was ggy and did all those things#and was the mimics fave#but its established he had amneisa before security breach so he didnt remember and still doesnt#he just knows he did it and has to deal#so it doesnt completely take over everything else about his character#and then whatever happens at the end of that game has cassie saved and joining 3 star#who GOT DEVELOPMENT in this hypothetical#like idk i want ggy to be canon but i dont want it to overtake gregory#yknow what i mean#it should be background to him not the other way around#vanessa and cassie already have that big main possession plotline#pandas.txt#tbh if they replace gregorys backstory with something equally interesting I'll be ok with no game ggy#we already have a whole book to mess around with i wouldn't mind it being a little au even tho i know it isnt#its VERY canon and ill 100% be alright and happy w game ggy#but im nervous for how they would establish it in a game if at all#with how much gregory needs screentime just as a character and if he'd need to wait even longer after a ggy reveal#thoughts#gregory
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Teruki blinks at him, and then he’s chuckling again and bowing his head down so he only sees the beginnings of brown roots coming in. When he lifts his head again his eyes are wet, but the pinks in his aura are soaking into his soul so much that he finds it really hard to be alarmed in the trance of it. “Please don’t apologize,” Teruki whispers, blinking away the shine that reflects the slit of sun from the window. His voice wobbles and hitches at the end, and Shigeo shifts, widens his eyes a little, but then his partner is moving. He leans over Shigeo’s chest, arches over the cracks that seep with energy carefully. Both of his hands are suddenly around his face and Teruki’s clamping his eyes shut and pressing their foreheads together, nose to nose, soul to soul. His hair tickles Shigeo’s jaw and his knee digs into his thigh, but it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t mind. The coral hues sing; the golds roar. “Please don’t. Please don’t do that to me,” his partner teeters, and the watermelon seeping into his skin is now tainted with harsher reds, deeper magentas. He can tell Teruki is trying so hard to keep it light, to keep it gentle and comforting for him—controlling an aura when emotions are high is one of the hardest things in the world. And yet he’s holding his partner, who is crackling apart at the seems in every sense of the word, and all that seeps from him is a little fear that get snuffed out instantly upon exit.
#qkwrites#hi good news#only one chapter left.i think#switched up the ending a little bit from my original plans since it wasn't working. now it works better i think#flows better at least#very excited to write the last of this but also im like unreasonably nervous ?? it's a fanfic jay get a grip#if the ending is written poorly uhm. it's literally free.who is going to complain#obviously ill do my best but fuck dude . ido not know if i have the skills for this#only one way to find out i guess#the thing i'm most worried about actually is the epilogue i think#cuz i have <3No fucking clue what's going to be in the epilogue#ill figure it out tho i have a feeling it's one of those things ill stress over and then sit down to write it#and the next thing i know it's done and it wasn't hard at all#wow ok im shutting up now. bye <3
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he's so sweet i love him sm
#the way he's comforting fans and he's just so kind and sweet and#i love him i love him#best boy#louis#sweetheart#his voice istg im gonna JUMP#a soothing balm to the soul but lbr i would be more nervous if he tells me that djkdsklds
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Being self aware is literally hell I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy
#diary#god I could rant about about this forever#tw mentions of assault in the tags dont read if that makes u uncomfortable#im kinda getting tired of people asking why i dont date 🤩 it sends me into a mental spiral hahahaaaaa#i just tell people im not looking for anything serious rn but its a big fat fucking lie because i DO want to date#but i think my nervous system is so shot from living with my dad still and he can be so emotionally abusive it's insane#it makes me not trust my judgement because shitty behavior is so normalized and i KNOW whats Right and Wrong but im so used to keeping the–#–peace because its a survival tactic for me and always has been#like when people like me i think one of two things usually:#1) they're genuinely interested in me and i hate myself so much i cant understand why anyone would like me#or 2) theyre interested in me for my body which is both easier to understand and terrifying because people in the past have hurt me because–#–they wanted to be with me. read between the lines for that one#because of how i grew up and what I've experienced i genuinely do not trust people. i trust no one fully and it kills me#i feel so fucking guilty all the time bc most people arent out to get you but that wasn't the case for me#i feel like i cant grow as a person because im stuck in a survival mindset. i KNOW why I people please and i hate it#i genuinely do love people and i want the best for them but its also ingrained into my head that if something is wrong it's My Fault#and there will be Consequences#back to dating though#there are so many reasons I do and dont want to date#i call myself a Helpless Romantic because there's no way I'll be dating in the near future. i cant just go on dates I have to know you for–#–a while and build trust. but what if it ends badly and im the idiot who cant take a goddamn hint and realise love isnt meant for someone–#–like me?#i grew up knowing my parents hated each other and “stayed together for the kids” whatever thet means. like that fucks with your mind#seeing my mom being mistreated by my dad made me snap out of the disney movie princess x prince charming daze everyone else was in as a kid#i realised very early on that relationships won't save you and can actually be the worst thing to ever happen to someone#theres more to this but ive already said enough lol. anyway
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God, this is fucking crazy
So i only have 3 more classes to take, but it'll cost the same to take 3 classes as 4 classes. So I've been thinking about taking a 4th class just for the hell of it. Something fun and/or easy.
Out of curiosity, I looked up orchestras. I was in it in my first year, but I haven't consistently played since 2016. But I still dream about being in an orchestra again. I *miss it*. So I was like. Well, what if *that* was my 4th class next semester? What If?
I looked it up. This week is the last week they're doing auditions for it. There was only one more spot free after today. And that's *tomorrow evening*.
I haven't really played my violin much in YEARS. I'm so out of practice. But apparently they don't reject anyone outright. Auditions are just for placement. So worst case scenario, I get placed in an orchestra at a lower skill level than I was at my prime. It'd still be an orchestra.
It's crazy short notice, but I don't think I'd forgive myself if I passed it up. Bc I have just one more semester before I graduate. One last opportunity to be in a school orchestra. And if I didn't do this, I'd be left with that What If forever.
So. Crazy short notice, but I have a violin audition tomorrow!!! Hahahaha
#speculation nation#im literally shaking with nerves rn but i want this so so so badly#i remember. how to play. my arms are just so much stiffer than they used to be. and my nails. man im gonna have to trim my fucking nails#at least my left hand. kinda sucks bc i like the polish i have on rn but u cant have any long nail at all for violin.#i need to play two scales of my choosing. ascending and descending in three octaves.#recommended for violin is A C or E-flat major. of course i know A and C but i'd have to look up E-flat. never did much with flats in school#then again i have that One Two Three and a Half rhythm Down. thats how id often warm myself up.#start with the base G string and just do a scale up and down (one octave). go up to the next note. do it again.#again and again until i started running out of room on the E string. & if i was Real motivated maybe id start shifting to continue.#so all id need to do is find the E flat and id be good. it all follows the same pattern.#the harder challenge will be the solo or etude. 2-3 minutes in length. only *one day* to prepare.#i have NO IDEA what id even play. i'll look in my old sheet music to see if theres anything that might work#simple enough for me to relearn on such short notice. and interesting enough to be played solo#(since i was always in orchestras it's not always the best for solo playing. tho i was also first violin section a lot#which is Basically the same as playing solo lmaooo)#if i cant find anything i do have a few sheet music books i could look in. id hate to play smth too simple#but better simple and Right than trying to do something above my current skill level.#which IRKS ME bc once upon a time i was the 4th best violinist in my high school. out of nearly 2k students.#but thats what happens when u go years without consistent practice :p ur arm gets Stiff.#im. still nervous but also thinking about the music is making me EXCITED.#it's going to be a wild time prepping for this thing but itll be over in like 5 mins and i dont even have to worry about Passing#so long as i *do it* i should get into something. i just need to push myself. do it. get out there. *play your violin*#i already cried in a public bathroom for 10 mins today and im feeling emotional Again.#not quite crying emotional tho thankfully. just. i feel like i need to climb onto a rooftop and SCREAM!!!! but like in a good way.#so so so nervous but itll be so so so worth it. i could be in an orchestra again. finally. finally finally finally.#and i STILL NEED TO FINISH THIS ASSIGNMENT.....!!!! hfkahfks today has been. a DAY.#just. keeps going through my head. i could be in an orchestra again. i could be in an orchestra again. at least one more time.
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first real day at work today .....!!!!!!!
#mine#trying not to be nervous i have to clock in in an hour lol#urrrrp but i am nervous...urf#but the only way out is through !!!!!!!!!#so i will clock in and do my best and hopefully everything will be cool#still waiting for the direct deposit. rubbing my hands together evilly im so excited to have money again
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One of the quirks I've found of having functional neurological disorder is the fact that any compression on my fingers leads to numbness and then paralysis.
And that's very fun when you've sprained a finger and are trying to put a brace on it so you don't keep bending it.
Certainly can't bend it when it's paralysed.
#kai rambles#pretty frustrating tbh#functional neurological disorder#fnd#the best way to describe fnd is that your peripheral nervous system is constantly fucking about AND finding out#like im winning the stupid prizes that my peripheral nervous system is winning from playing stupid games
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