#I've worn a few of these IRL

[the-trans-script]

So, something I've been doing as a neurodivergent trans person in their first relationship who has never witnessed a healthy relationship irl (my family is kindly, fucked)

Is lots of *research* about healthy relationships (because of course I am)

and something obvious, but depressing, is that a lot of relationship research isn't helpful, because it's done on straight people. And then, when there ARE some gay people included, there are no trans people included.

And I'm not critiquing anyone, science is hard and expensive, we'll get there eventually hopefully.

But this does leave me with a problem. No statistics apply to my relationship. Which is a T4T trans masc relationship.

And yes of course, basic dating advice is good for EVERYONE, communicate, date someone with the same values, date someone who treats you kindly, etc etc.

But when you get to the nitty gritty of relationships, no one talks about T4T relationships.

I'm not sure how to articulate my point properly, but there's just something about NEVER witnessing a relationship like your own that leaves you feeling a little stranded.

One part of me says, well we can just make up our own rules of course!

But the other, monkey brained part of me, wishes for examples.

Examples of old trans couples showing how they made things work, how the rules in their relationships differ from cishet people or even cis gay people, talking about the issues they have that could only arise in a t4t relationship, talking about how their socialization effects their relationship, and honestly...just talking about existing. Because doesn't T4T feel so new even though we know it isn't?

I don't know. I think there's this assumption that all romantic relationships work the same, but in my experience of queer people, and specifically trans people, *they don't.*

We may love similarly, the base feelings may be the same, but the way our relationships function isn't necessarily the same.

Perhaps because our relationships have always been for love or at least good company, and never really about societal expectation (although I know some gays parents definitely want them to get married these days lol)

Which is sort of the best thing about queer relationships, they're completely our own.

But then, all advice that's given to us, all information we receive about relationships, is through a straight lense.

Through a lense that's been created through generations of misogyny, and marrying for good business, and marrying for survival.

And it's not that straight people have no valuable relationship information, I love nothing more than listening to very old straight couples who still love each other talk about their relationships (other than perhaps very old gay couples)

But even so, I get this disheartened feeling anyway. I've never seen a relationship like mine age.

The best I'll ever get is maybe a few worn sepia photographs of couples people debate the transness of. And I'll never know anything about them.

I hope that we can become those old people I need, for the future generations. I hope I become the happily married 90 year old trans person I need now, for someone else.

But for now, I'll just try to appreciate the beauty of painting my own picture, even if I wish I had some rulers for the perspective.

[the-oracle-of-the-lost]

alas i've been filled with thoughts about Irving Braxiatel for the past few days so here's an.... essay i guess? if anyone's interested. everything's under the cut because i sure did write a lot! also about halfway through i start to talk specifically about my fanfic version of him so like. feel free to jump ship if you don't have any clue what i'm talking about.

to me, Braxiatel has always been a character obsessed with aesthetics. not in that he's a superficial character or that his art interest is only driven by collecting beautiful things, but that Braxiatel is very aware of how things look, how he himself looks, and he knows the aesthetics of power incredibly well.

when he founds his Collection, it is genuinely with the goal of creating a collection of all the knowledge and art in the universe accessible to anyone but art collection in itself involves engaging with and moving within certain hierarchies that are all rooted, deep down, in imperialism and classism. for Braxiatel – to be an art collector (at least on Earth) is to invest in those aesthetics of power. it's a classic trope that a character might not come from money and be broke as shit but as long as they maintain the appearance and aesthetics of wealth and power, they're acceptable. so Braxiatel chooses a first name associated with theatrics and class, he wears tailored suits, he never loses his carefully chosen demeanor, he lives in the goddamn palace of Versailles in an effort to cultivate his appearance and others' perceptions of him. it's even implicit that Braxiatel keeps the same face for multiple regenerations to keep that personal aesthetic he established.

but aesthetics aren't apolitical or amoral. inhabiting the aesthetics of power (at least based in upper class Europe) also means inhabiting those structures of power and over the course of the series you can see Braxiatel get caught up in those trappings particularly in his use of the Collection as a political (and imperial) force post-occupation.

[also just a wider side note for a second – i'm not trying to say that the use of certain aesthetics is inherently immoral, i think that sort of argument is a bit ridiculous and reactionary, but you do have to recognize the political and moral dimensions of aesthetic choices. like irl, it's pretty easy to see how quickly cute ~cottagecore~ aesthetics turned into a pipeline for tradwives and a rise in anti-feminism. same goes for most ~traditional~ aesthetics and whatnot.]

genuinely, i do think that Braxiatel's Whole Deal is a performance and a mask but he's worn the mask for so long that he's embodied its spirit (which, generally speaking, is the cultural role of masks). interestingly, you could say the same for the Doctor as their identity was never (in my view) inherent but something gathered over time because they kept being thrust into the role of 'hero'.

while i started writing this based mostly on thoughts of Braxiatel's role in the Benny series, this also applies to him in Gallifrey. it's really hard to get a sense of his character in Gallifrey because 1) he's still relatively young and hasn't gone through the Everything yet and 2) he's so deeply entrenched in Gallifreyan power structures that he never (or rarely) lets his genuine self through.

his role on Gallifrey is largely based in:

schemes and machinations to carry out various ends usually involving saving Romana: his early season appearances play this straight with him embodying that hero role he set himself up to inhabit, quite literally in the case of him taking the Chancellorship & Presidency which are two things that he personally does not want but is more than willing to cast himself in those roles of power for what he sees as the greater good. in later appearances (Soldier Obscura, Beyond) that illusion of him as the heroic hero crumbles as he doesn't have those power structures (or the aesthetics of power) to rely on.

his "love" of Romana: others may disagree (and no fault to them) but i don't ever see his love of Romana as genuinely romantic but rather him falling in love with the literal embodiment of power (and the embodiment of Gallifrey which in turn represents imperial power). all of his interactions with her are horribly insincere and all based around this constructed hierarchy of the President and her advisor even when that hierarchy isn't real and is only maintained through both of the characters demeanor and aesthetics (the way Romana is consistently referred as President throughout s4 despite in no way holding any rank).

Pandora: this is pretty obvious, i mean Pandora as an entity is power at its very core and it's important to remember that Braxiatel is infected with her throughout almost all of his appearances though it's ambiguous how much she's influencing his behavior. and it's important to remember that Braxiatel is specifically infected with the past and present aspects of Pandora which OH BOY definitely feeds into Braxiatel's worship of the past and how he keeps re-writing the past over and over again without being able to reach a future. but specifically, as i've said before, all of Braxiatel's aesthetics of power come from the past and how he wields history, in the academic & personal sense, as a weapon to control others.

but Braxiatel's investment in aesthetics as a means of power & control has another side too. for a lot of his appearances, Braxiatel is a good or at least a benign person who fights for the greater good. but because most of his identity is constructed, it becomes easier, when necessary, to twist himself into the role of the villain because it's just putting on a new mask, adopting a new aesthetic. at times in the Collection arc, he does become a bit of a mustache twirling Evil Guy but it makes sense to me because he's just leaning further into the imperialist white British man aesthetic (for lack of a more accurate description) that he's already cultivated throughout the years.

and he starts creating these roles, manipulating aesthetics, for other people too. Bev comes to the Collection as an art thief with no intention of staying but Braxiatel manipulates her to work for him and changes her aesthetic (having her dress differently, wear glasses) to be treated as a serious academic and not a thief (which is great until she gains the agency of a leader in Braxiatel's absence). and Braxiatel's manipulation of Jason is probably the most obvious with him editing his history and memories and everything about his life to keep him as a roguish, kind-of-an-idiot guy who's easier to understand and control. when Jason fights back because he is more than some archetype, Braxiatel has him killed in a horrible way to keep asserting power over those he thinks of as family.

it happens to Ace and Danna in Soldier Obscura too! Braxiatel arranges the whole scene as he would have in an early Gallifrey episode to assert power with Danna acting as a brave, self-sacrificial old soldier and Ace as his dutiful student but when neither of them act the way Braxiatel expects them to behave, he kills Danna and erases Ace's memory.

his worship of aesthetics as power and archetypes as identity went so far that when others don't behave as their archetype, their role, dictates, Braxiatel doesn't know what to do so he leaves them in one way or another. it's horribly tragic but it is the end point of a life built around cultivating appearances, managing aesthetics, and devising masks for himself.

[at this point, normal people might want to stop reading, everything after that is specifically about my fanfic And They Became Monsters (the fall of great men) including some big spoilers]

a lot of these thoughts fed into my writing of Braxiatel in ATBM and specifically the way i designed the two different versions of Braxiatel i wrote – the Braxiatel from Act 1 who lived his life without interference from the future and the Braxiatel from Act 2 who led his life being advised by his future self.

Braxiatel 1 played the game with aesthetics and power structures a fair bit – he tried to fit in with other Time Lords by pretending he was one of them and he embodied the 'wealthy patron of the arts' role very well and very purposefully during the St Oscar's years but he was never lost in this difference between the person he presented and the person he was. the only real moment of pretense in the fic is in chapter 9 when he meets the Oracle for the first time and refuses to accept that he has no greater role than to be Irving Braxiatel. so the Oracle instead tells him, (“You are an artist and you paint upon the universe as if it were your canvas. Time is but a medium to her master and you crush her underfoot. You will face war with a book of art. You will preserve history in a bottle. You will write the greatest tragedy in the universe.") which... it is true but only because Braxiatel makes it so, because he refuses to accept being himself and nothing more. and when Braxiatel asks how he will win, the Oracle only says that he must accept his fate. by the end of the story, we know this means Braxiatel can only escape this cycle he made for himself, he can only win, but accepting that he isn't the hero and was never meant to be anyone's savior. he can only win by asking for help. but Braxiatel in the moment takes this to mean that he is a hero and he keeps behaving like one.

Braxiatel 2 on the other hand, was a creation. he was told at age 8 that his whole identity hinged around stopping this ever elusive War and he was explicitly directed to focus all his energy, relationships, skills on reaching this goal. he became a mask. but more than that – he based his notions of power and control on the one person who seemed to have infinite power over him: himself. he becomes interested in art not because of any noble goal but because he knows Braxiatel loves art. he knows that Braxiatel wants to save Gallifrey so he does as well. he's not developing an identity, he's only imitating what he sees and hears about his other self.

and this is reflected (no pun intended) through the mirrors. the mirrors were introduced as a pair with the subtlest difference between them but as the story unraveled, we learned there was only ever one mirror sent down a cycle, reflecting the past and future. as Braxiatel 2 came to learn the truth about the mirror, he came to understand Braxiatel 1 as a liar and an abuser and he himself became villainous because his identity is nothing but a reflection. and in turn he manipulates and controls people the same way he was manipulated by Braxiatel 1. (at least until Act 3 when he starts to be able to break the cycle.)

i also chose to involve Faction Paradox (sort of...) in the fic because 1) it was a convenient way to wave away some of the time travel and paradox mechanisms (yeah sorry the story leans much more towards fantasy than science fiction), 2) the family symbolism worked so well, and 3) because their entire Thing is based in aesthetics. and the truth is (spoiler) Faction Paradox was never involved in the Braxiatel's life or in the creation of his paradox. the Godfather who initiated Braxiatel 1 was Braxiatel 2. they never went to the Eleven Day Empire, they went to a room that Braxiatel 2 and John dressed up to look like the Empire because all that matters is for Braxiatel 1 to believe the ruse and all that really takes is the aesthetics of the occult given how aesthetics have shaped his life. John is probably a member of Faction Paradox but his involvement in all of this is family business for the brother he never knew, not Family business. and when Braxiatel 2 takes off that literal mask (the mask of the man he never was), he is finally free to find his own identity and not live in the footsteps of someone else.

the other thing i wanted to talk about in relation to Braxiatel's sense of identity and relation to power is the title of the fic. the And They Became Monsters part was always pretty set in stone because it really is a lovely summary of how the story goes. but i added the subtitle (the fall of great men) pretty close to when i ended up publishing the fic because i kept thinking that And They Became Monsters is really only part of the story and Braxiatel doesn't end up as a monster, part of the point of the story is proving that dehumanizing someone as "a monster" as a way to explain their cruel actions only ends up causing them to commit more cruelty. it's easier for Braxiatel to play the role of the monster, aesthetics and all, than to be his own person. he may not earn redemption or forgiveness but that doesn't mean he can't do good.

(the fall of great men) is about the end of the story (Act 3 onward). "falling" is used as a repeated motif throughout the whole fic whenever Braxiatel starts to lose control of himself or the situation at hand. "great men" is specifically in reference to the idea of "great man theory", the lens of historical analysis from the 19th century that argues history is shaped by a few Great Men rather than the prevailing historical theories today that focuses on materialism, social environments, and people across classes. (as you would expect, today great men theory is usually peddled by white supremacists, fascists, and imperialists.)

Braxiatel viewed himself as a Great Man; he wanted to be a Great Man more than anything else to prove that he was extraordinary and important whether his ambitions were focused on Gallifrey or Venice or St Oscars or the Collection. and he had the accompanying aesthetics – a love of all things high art, a clean & carefully picked over demeanor, an acceptance of power in whatever form he could find. he literally rewrote history so he could be the Great Man Hero.

and it didn't work, it never worked, because great man theory isn't real and there was nothing Braxiatel could do to make it real and he knows that by the end of the story. he doesn't stop the war, he doesn't even stop himself, he asks for help and that's the only way to win.

And They Became Monsters is a version of great men history by putting Braxiatel at the center of everything, (the fall of great men) is saying that narrative is inherently flawed and not based in reality. great men will always fall because they aren't real, they're a dream for those who buy into simplistic individualistic stories and i'm sure Benny would agree that it's poor historical analysis. speaking of Benny, she literally comes in during the last chapter to say that none of this was Braxiatel's story, the narrative belongs to everyone and i love ending his story/beginning hers with the same "it's the biggest story every told" line from Crystal of Cantus where the line "and they became monsters" also originates. i'm just :) pleased with how i tied it together.

oh and i have (the fall of great men) in parentheticals because 1) i wanted to clarify that it's a subtitle and 2) it keeps up the notation that the Oracle uses whenever she speaks or adds in prose as a part of the narration as she's the only one who knew the narrative from the beginning (and part of a reason she's my screen-name/url at the moment).

anyways, this was incredibly long and rambly so thanks to whoever read any of it tbh but it was fun to actually write some of these thoughts down!

[pessimisticshapewithablog]

Narinder's Veil - An Analysis

A quick overview.

With the addition of the Bishop's of the old faith DLC, it was reveals Narinder's robes are actual a uniform of sorts denoting him as a death god. And once the Lamb has rescued all the bishops, they receive a version of these robes in fleece form. This made me wonder if TOWW's veil had any deeper meaning?

What is a Veil?

"A veil is an article of clothing or hanging cloth that is intended to cover some part of the head or face, or an object of some significance."

TOWW wears a black veil that partially obscures his face. Similar ones can be seen on his attendants, Baal and Aym, and former members of his old cult, Klunko, Flinky, and Shrumy. They seemingly serve no pratical use as before initiating combat Aym and Baal rip the veils off, possibly for increased visibility and keep the stands out of their eyes. Because these veils are only seen worn by TOWW and those in association with him or his cult, I assume these veils are exclusive to him and the veils we see worn by others are derivatives of his.

After some research, I was able to find an irl veil that most resembled the one TOWW wears:

A Sehra

"In some parts of India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, and Nepal, men wear a sehra on their wedding day. This is a male veil covering the whole face and neck. The sehra is made from either flowers or beads."

Similar to veils worn by women, a sehra was worn to ward off the evil eye and to keep the bride and groom from seeing see each other before their wedding ceremony. While the reason for wearing the sehra is different, TOWW's veil very much resembles one.

Irl there are many cultural that require participants to adorn face veils or for sacred objects to be veiled. The most common practice that is familiar to most would be the wearing veils by brides on their wedding day. Interestingly the act of wearing a veil was prominently done by women and there are few cultures where men are expected to veil instead. In these cultrures, boys begin wearing veils after puberty and is considered a mark of manhood. It's interesting to note that everyone that wears a veil in COTL is male or male presenting.

Veils aren't always used for religious purposes.

Now that we have a better understanding of what veils are and why they are used let's move on to the next part of this analysis.

In-universe cultural meaning?

What could TOWW's veil mean to him and his servants?

Because all the information I've collected thus far, l'll break them down into seperate theories.

1.

As a mortal, Narinder died before or on his wedding day and was buried in his grooms clothes. Once he became a god, his wedding veil was one of the things he kept, either as a sentimental or cultural memento.

When the lamb usurps TOWW as death god, they don't recieve a veil, only his robes. This led me to assume TOWW veil is unique to him. For those that don't know, TOWW's name, Narinder, is of Indian origin. Because this and his face veil resembling a Sehra headdress, I like to image TOWW was originally from the COTL equivalent of India. Given how long TOWW has been a god, this place may no longer exist, with TOWW being the last 'living' member of this long lost culture. Only he would know the cultural meaning behind the veil. Others may have begun wearing them in association with TOWW.

11.

Given TOWW's station, being the patron of a cult and a literal god, it's plausible that his veil could be worn as a way of creating a barrier between himself and his followers. With the each number of strands denoting a rank amongst his servants. While Ratau's gang don't worship TOWW anymore, if at all given their dedication to Ratau, they may still wear the uniform of their ranks before the dissolution of TOWW's old cult.

"One view is that as a religious item, it is intended to honor a person, object or space. The actual sociocultural, psychological, and sociosexual functions of veils have not been studied extensively but most likely include the maintenance of social distance and the communication of social status and cultural identity."

The reason his servants are wearing them could be for a similar purpose. To seperate themselves from low level followers and layman. What is a cult if not a religion in it's infancy? Even still there seems to be a hierarchy amongst veiled servants of TOWW. Aym and Baal, likely due to their proximity to TOWW and having directly trained by him, have the most strands second only to TOWW himself. Ratau's gang each have different numbers of strands, possibly implying they were each at different level of their ordainment. Within TOWW's cult veiled members may have been the equivalent of enforcers

111.

TOWW's veil is a mourning veil of sorts.

"The mourning veil was commonly seen as a means of shielding the mourner and hiding her grief, and, on the contrary, seen by some women as a means of publicly expressing their emotions."

We don't know the deeper psychology behind what it takes to be a death god, to see hundred of thousands of millions of people die for all eternity. Granted TOWW seems quite psychopathic and is probably able to rationalize away his role as a death god, so maybe the veil is more for the souls that he reaps. A faux display of grief by an impersonal grim reaper. From a superstitious aspect, I'm sure looking directly into the face of death would be held as a very bad thing to do. TOWW also seems emotional constipated enough to wear something to show the emotions he won't let himself express.

A Deeper Look...

Something I noticed about the veils. Including TOWW, each character has a different number of strands/garlands:

Narinder = 22

Aym and Baal = 20

Klunko = 8

Flink = 6

Shrumy = 4

It's up to speculation as to why they each have a different number but that's what I'm here for. After a bit of searching I came to the realization that the amount of strands might correspond to the Major Arcana. While a pack contains 78 cards the first 22 are referred to as such and are considered more important than the rest. This is because they were meant to represent the spirtual journey through life. With that knowledge we can attribute each number of stands to a card in the Major Arcana:

Note the first card of the deck, The Fool, is not numbered.

If I match the number of veil strands to a card in the major arcana this is what we get:

Narinder (22) = The World (XXI)

Aym and Baal (20) = The Sun (XIX) or Judgment (XX)

Klunko (8) = Justice/Strength (VII/XI)

Flinky (6) = The Lovers (VI)

Shrumy (4) = The Emperor (IV)

The Arcana of the Lamb

Starting with TOWW, this what each correlation of veil strands to a card could mean.

Narinder The World (XXI)

"THE WORLD - Assured success, recompense, voyage, route, emigration, flight, change of place.

Reversed: Inertia, fixity, stagnation, permanence."

The World card is said to represent the end of life. It makes sense that Narinder wears this number.

"The World represents an ending to a cycle of life, a pause in life before the next big cycle beginning with the fool."

The "nexus between what was and what was not" in TOWW's own words. It's says alot that the number of TOWW's veil strands corresponds with this card and not the literal death card (XIII). That could be because the death tarot does not actually represent death but change. Paradigm shifts, changes in beliefs and philosophies.

The reverse of this card also represents TOWW's situation. "Stagnation" & "permanence". As death, TOWW was a permanent fixture within the world of COTL. Even with his fascination with the new and novel, his siblings, or atleast Shamura, expected TOWW to remain unchanged and stagnant in his existence.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_World_(tarot_card)

Aym and Baal The Sun (XIX) or Judgment (XX)

Judgment : self-evaluation, awakening, renewal, purpose, reflection, reckoning

Reversed: self-doubt, lack of self-awareness, failure to learn lessons, self-loathing

Per google, the word judgement has two definitions:

1. the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions.

2. a misfortune or calamity viewed as a divine punishment.

It can be assumed that the meaning of their corresponding tarot is the second definition. Within the story of COTL, they are fought after declining to return the red crown. Their battle could be interpreted as divine punishment, as they say as much. Within the game, they act as the precursor to TOWW's battle. Their fight could be considered a test of sorts for the player, as many of their attacks are diminutive versions of their master's.

Or

"THE SUN - Material happiness, fortunate marriage, contentment.

Reversed: The same in a lesser sense."

Considering their fate within COTL's story, I doubt this is the real interpretation of the number they wear. It is the actual 20th card of the Major Arcana but it can be assumed the devs meant the technical 20th card, The Judgement. Granted, depending on the players, the two can be reunited with their mother which makes them happy and content, that was retroactively added in the DLC and might not have been something the devs originally meant to add.

Klunko (and Bop) Justice/Strength (VII/XI)

Within the major arcana, the order of the Justice/Strength is switched or changed depending on the deck. So I decided to give the meaning of both.

FORTITUDE - Power, energy, action, courage, magnanimity; also complete success and honours.

Reversed: Despotism, abuse of power, weakness, discord, sometimes even disgrace."

And

JUSTICE - Equity, rightness, probity, executive; triumph of the deserving side in law.

Reversed: Law in all its departments, legal complications, bigotry, bias, excessive severity."

Within the game, Klunko, and Bop by extension, will give The Lamb the Strength from Without Tarot Card if they beat them.

Flinky The Lovers (VI)

THE LOVERS - Attraction, love, beauty, trials overcome.

Reversed: Failure, foolish designs. Another account speaks of marriage frustration and contrarieties of all kinds.

"In some traditions, the Lovers represent relationships and choices. Its appearance in a spread indicates some decision about an existing relationship, a temptation of the heart, or a choice of potential partners. Often an aspect of the Querent's life will have to be sacrificed; a bachelor(ette)'s lifestyle may be sacrificed and a relationship gained (or vice versa), or one potential partner may be chosen while another is turned down. Whatever the choice, it should not be made lightly, as the ramifications will be lasting."

While the numbers may align, I personally don't feel the card really applies to Flinky, unless the devs are implying some hidden relationship between Flinky and another character. This card better suits Ratau and Ratoo, given they give the in-game version of the Lovers card. They could also be twins, the Lovers cards us also associated with the star sign Gemini, known as the Twins. But I digress..

But Flinky's number of veil strands corresponding to the lovers card could have more to do with the imagery depicted on the Lover's card:

"In the Rider Waite deck, the imagery for this card is changed significantly from the traditional depiction. Instead of a couple receiving a blessing from a noble or cleric, the Rider–Waite deck depicts Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. By reducing the number of human beings depicted in the card from three to two, Waite was able to reinforce its correspondence with Gemini. The Rider–Waite card also includes the Tree of the knowledge of good and evil with a serpent wrapped around its trunk. The symbolism of no return from making bad decisions, and the consequences of innocence lost, would be more widely understood from this imagery."

Flinky could be an homage to the serpent that tempted Eve to eat the apple of Eden. Maybe his consul is what influenced Ratau that leaving their old cult was an option.

Shrumy The Emperor (IV)

UPRIGHT: Authority, establishment, structure, a father figure

REVERSED: Domination, excessive control, lack of discipline, inflexibility

"The Emperor sits on a ram-adorned throne, a symbol of Mars. Another ram head can be seen on his cloak. His long white beard bears the symbol of "wisdom". He holds an Ankh scepter in his right hand, and a globe, symbol of domination, in his left. The Emperor sits atop a stark, barren mountain, a sign of "sterility of regulation, and unyielding power." He symbolizes the top of the secular hierarchy, the ultimate male ego. The Emperor is the absolute ruler of the world."

"In Astrology, the Emperor is associated with the masculine, cardinal-fire sign of Aries, the domicile sign of Mars which is symbolized by the ram."

Shrumy behavior toward the Lamb fits alot with this card, in my opinion. When they first meet he's quick to assert his dominance as a non-follower of the lamb. Shrumy also makes it clear that he has no care or respect for crown bearers, as the power they wielded seemed to change them.

"What are you looking at? Hmf. That's right. You crown bearers are all the same. Nothing without your adoring Followers. Ratau wasn't like that. He stayed true to who he was. You'll NEVER live up to him. Get out of my way, I've got Knucklebones to play and money to win. Come and play me if you want a real challenge."

- Shrumy to the Lamb

Shrumy falls more into the reversed position of this card. But I did notice a striking similarity to the Emperor Tarot and TOWW's role within the plot of COTL.

"The Emperor is the absolute ruler of the world."

Whatever TOWW'S gospel was the end result of killing his siblings would have made him the only god remaining and the De facto ruler.

After millennia, all may bask in my glory once more.

"Vessel, do you not worship me? Do you not give offerings in hopes of gaining my favor?

Soon I shall be freed, and the world remade in my image. All will pledge themselves to the Cult. All will bow to my name."

The words of a man(cat?) with enough ego to choke a horse lol. While not explicitly stated to be Baal and Aym's father TOWW does fill a father figure role to them. Having essentially raised and mentored them. Similar to Ratau's relationship with the Lamb, TOWW could also be considered a father/mentor to the Lamb too.

Conclusion

Initally I was only going to include the tarot card bit, but I couldn't keep my love of anthropology at bay so I added some cultural theories too.

I'm entirely sure the inclusion of these characters wearing veils doesn't actually mean anything but I'm just zooted off my gourd on caffeine so I'm gonna theorize anyway lol. Either way I had fun researching info for this rabbit hole I dug and I hope anyone who actually takes time to read this enjoys it too.

[wandringaesthetic]

I've seen a few people say Metaphor's soundtrack is weak or that it's just copying other games.

I don't get where they're coming from at all unless they just want it to be Persona funk, which would not be right for the setting. Kinda feel like they're just looking for something to criticize.

feel like this operatic baritone chanting at me in Esperanto is casting an evil spell on me. Very intense. Feels like it comes from the same world as the dead king glaring down at me from the sky that is also an ever-present part of my battle meter. Judging me but offering no assistance as I'm fighting Boschian horrorterrors.

If it's copying other games: which ones? It's percussion heavy and strings low. I definitely feel like it's carving out its own identity here, sometimes to such a degree that it feels absurd, which fits with the general style.

I've gotten some of the more chill tracks stuck in my head since I've been playing, which isn't necessarily a sign that they're good, but it's more because they suited my IRL mood than because they've worn a groove in my brain.

The only (maybe) reasonable criticism I can think of is that there are relatively few tracks for a game this long so things get kinda repetitive, but that's been somewhat true of every Atlus game I've played. It was definitely true of BABYbabybaybybabybaby that I guess these people miss.

[x-press-it]

Just so you know I'm still working on things.

Hey guys. I've been quiet these last few days because I'm wrestling with chapter 7 of Devilish Desires and some IRL stuff but I have other things brewing in that hyperactive head of mine. So here is a sneak peek on some of my current WiP, just for you.

This is from 'Sleepwalker' an exbf!Logan story I have in a corner of my head.

TW: Angst, angst, angst and angst. A freaking load of it ^^"

You’re in the middle of laughing at some joke your friend just cracked, the whole group lost in the easy rhythm of pre-class banter, when that question comes out of nowhere. “Hey… do you know that guy?” You don’t think much of it at first. New York’s full of people. Probably just some random dude. But as you follow her gaze, you see him standing there, still as a statue, half in shadow, and your breath catches hard in your throat. Logan. He’s a little out of place, a wolf among sheep, leaning against a lamppost across the street, one boot scuffing the sidewalk like he’s only half here and half ready to bolt. He’s got that look—a mix of cautious and bold, like he’s done something reckless but couldn’t stay away even if he wanted to. The hairs of his sideburns look a little longer, unruly, as if sleep has been eluding him. His hands are jammed deep into his pockets, and his broad shoulders hunch slightly beneath that leather jacket you once loved. Your friends are still watching, some of them raising their brows, but you can’t tear your eyes away from him. He looks right at you, expression unreadable, like he’s trying to gauge how much he’s messed up—or maybe just how much of you he’s already lost.

Here is another one:

You take a steadying breath, squeezing your eyes shut as if, even for a moment, you could block him out and erase the ache that has gnawed at you since he ended your relationship. But even now, after all this time, just seeing him makes it flare back to life—sharp and unforgiving, just like the day he pushed you away. “I’m sorry, Lo,” you murmur, the nickname slipping out before you can stop it. It sounds too soft, too familiar, like a taste of something that’s long since soured. “But I can’t. I can’t do this right now with you… or ever, if that matters to you.” You watch him swallow, his face tightening as if the words hit him like a physical blow. His shoulders tense, his hand twitching at his side, but he doesn’t move. He just stands there, taking in the force of everything you can’t help but throw at him. “You broke me, Logan. When you broke us? You broke me.”

Damn there is so many good parts I want to share with you from this one. 😭

Ok, one last.

You drag yourself out of bed, the weight of every sleepless minute pressing down on you. You take a quick shower, throw on whatever clothes you can find, and grab something fast—a granola bar, some coffee—anything to get you through your first lecture. Heading out, you stop by the lobby mailbox on autopilot, hoping for anything remotely good. But no, it’s just the usual: bills, a scam flyer, some random restaurant menu with dishes you either don’t like or can’t eat. Perfect. What a fantastic way to start the day, you think sarcastically. Then, as you pull the stack out of the box, something catches your eye—a slim, worn book hidden beneath the pile of junk mail. Your breath hitches when you recognize it. Your book. The one you’d always rambled about to Logan, about how much it meant to you. The one you thought you’d lost when you left the mansion. He must have kept it, all this time. You flip through the pages, and there, in Logan’s rough handwriting, you spot scribbled notes in the margins, his thoughts on passages he liked, tiny underlined quotes. His handwriting’s a little hard to make out at first, but you find bits of him in every note: parts where he’s marked his favorite lines, left small 'miss yous,' 'wish I could go backs,' and quiet confessions scrawled between the paragraphs. Each one punches you a little harder in the chest, dredging up old wounds and things you thought you’d buried.

I can't 😭 Why am I doing this to them 😭

Ok, ok, I know what I said. But one last, just for the road, because I really, really love how this part turned out:

“This is how it’s gonna be now?” Your voice trembles with anger. “You’re gonna lurk around, tailing me all day? Stalking me?” Logan’s gaze sharpens, his eyes flicking from you to the cigarette again, and without warning, he reaches for it. You smack his hand away, hard. It’s pointless, he’s solid as a wall and twice as strong, but the defiance feels good. You take a slow, deliberate drag, never breaking eye contact as you blow the smoke directly toward him. “I’m not yours anymore, bub,” you say, voice laced with venom. “You don’t get to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do.” A muscle in his jaw ticks, and he steps forward, closer than before, his scent—familiar and maddening—sweeping over you. There’s a moment, the briefest second, where his expression flickers, like he wants to say something, something that might matter. But it’s gone, replaced by that stony mask he’s worn since he let you go. “You’re right,” he says instead, voice rough. “You’re not mine. Not anymore. But I’m not here to watch you waste yourself either.” You laugh, a hollow, bitter sound. “Oh, so this is what, then? You swoop in, like the hero you are, to fix me now that I’m broken?” He flinches, a glimmer of pain crossing his face, but you don’t let it soften you. He made his choice, after all, and you’re not about to make this easier on him. You take one last drag, burning the cigarette down nearly to the filter before crushing it beneath your foot. The smoke mingles with the cold morning air, and you fix him with a sharp, cutting stare. “You know what? You want to stick around? Good.” Your voice is a blade, each word slicing through the tension between you. “Now you get to see how much you broke me. Take a good look, go on, lover boy. Do you like it? Do you like what you did? I bet you're real proud of your work!” The words pour out, raw and unfiltered, each one fueled by the ache he left behind. You can’t hold back the tears; they spill over, hot against your cold cheeks, your voice cracking under the weight of everything he put you through. Right here, standing in front of him, you feel like you’re unraveling. The thought of going to class, sitting through hours of lectures like nothing happened, feels impossible.

The angst 😭🖤 I love it and hate it at the same time.

'Sleepwalker', ladies and gentlemen.

Save the tag, because it should be the next thing I'll work on. And it should be a oneshot. For now it's rated 🖤❤️‍🔥🌹(which means Angst, Smut, Fluff. In that order) The trope is Lovers to Enemies to Lovers.

I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I'm going to enjoy writing it through my tears. 🤣

If you want to get tagged when I'll post it, just say so in the comments, I'll add your name to the list 😉

Have an amazing day and see you around! 💖

[your-queer-dad]

Hi finch! It's the person talking about binders a lot again. I just need other people to bounce thoughts off of bc I don't know anyone else irl who's trans/transmasc.

For context, I'm afab but not a woman and also not a man. I used to be a girl bc i was raised that way and didn't know there were other options but i haven't grown into a woman. I dont want to grow into a woman. I'm pretty sure I'm agender? At least that sounds more correct than the other labels I've gone by (girl, demigirl, nonbinary). I guess I experience gender similarly to sexual attraction (aka I'm very confused and don't understand how other people know what their gender is or how they experience gender).

That's not the point of this though, it's (once again) the topic of top surgery. I feel like I'd be fine without getting it... like if I'm by myself my chest doesn't bother me. It's there and I don't hate it. I dont think I experience dysphoria, especially not the way other people do. But if I'm out in public I know that other people will notice my chest and read me as a woman and treat me accordingly as a result. THATS what bothers me, I think. I haven't gone swimming in a few years because of it and i kinda miss doing that... But I think if it wasn't seen as a woman thing/a widely sexualized part of the body I'd be fine just keeping my chest. But on the other hand I'm worried about opting to remove it. What if I regret that choice? What if I hate how I look after? I mean, once I have the surgery that's it, that's my body. And I guess I could keep a small bit of breast tissue but that's not the point lol

There's also the other side of the coin. I just looked in the mirror earlier and for a second my brain didn't register my chest and that felt so correct. It felt so right. But I'm still worried about making a decision because it'd be so much easier to just let my chest be the way it is because it doesn't bother me THAT much. And I wonder if a reduction would feel better but my chest is already on the small side (cant tell you the size bc i never bought real bras lol I've only ever worn sports bras) and I don't know if it would help me. Like what if I regret the reduction? Or on the flip side, what if I do it and it's not enough? I don't want to have to go under twice.

Idk, I've just been thinking about this for a few months now and I'm being indecisive about it. The decision will probably be influenced by how easily I could get the surgery (bc from what I've read you need a letter from a therapist and all that stuff here and also the insurances like to pretend that nonbinary people/people who wanto to do something other than the "normal/full transition" dont exist) and if I think it's worth the stress of having to explain those feelings that I dont even quite understand myself yet. I mean, having a surgery (or potentially going on hrt but somehow that is even more daunting than surgery to me) would make me visibly trans and I don't think my country is doing too well in regards to queer safety yet. I don't know if I want to be visibly trans but I know that I dont want to basically "fully transition" and be read as a man. That'd be too far in the other direction. Ideally I just want to confuse people but that sounds like an unsafe situation to be in, especially in my current almost fully cishet social circle...

Man, I wish Shape-shifting powers were real so I could just test things impermanently before actually going through with permanent changes. That'd make this whole thing so much easier.

Idk, I just wanted to be able to tell another trans person about this and maybe get some advice or something. Im so sorry about how long this got. Thank you for reading it! I appreciate your account a lot, it's nice to just read everyone's experiences. Thank you for running the account and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day.

Everyone, go hydrate! /nf

- 🌌🌃

Hey kiddo!! I completely understand those worries and my best advice is: if you have any doubts, don't do it. Top surgery is irreversible and it isn't worth it. Wait until you're 1000% sure. I completely understand that's hard and other people's assumptions is so annoying. I wish shape shifting skills were real too!!! That would be so handy.

- dad x

[headcanonsandmore]

'The Morning After'

Summary: Jo Grant wakes up after a particularly wild UNIT Christmas Party to find herself in bed with Liz Shaw. Not that either of them seem to be complaining.

(WARNING- this fic does contain scenes of a sexual nature, albeit not graphic)

I've been busy with a lot of IRL stuff so I haven't been able to focus much time of my fic-in-progress (the highwayman!AU fic for Nyssa/Tegan). However, I hate not being able to write, so I thought I'd write some sapphic fluff with characters I haven't really written about before; it made for a nice change. With a bit of luck, it's spicy and not male-gazey.

~~~~~~~~~~

Read on AO3.

~~~~~~~~~~

Jo Grant stirred. She was aware, firstly, that she was in her bed, despite not having remembered getting home the previous night. Her brain then confirmed that the material of her duvet felt surprisingly soft and… close against her skin. Was she wearing her sheer nightie? She didn’t think so. Hmm. Strange.

She gave a yawn, and turned over onto her side. Her hair hung loosely against her skin, although she could have sworn that she had worn her hair up the previous evening for… was it the UNIT Christmas party? Yes, she remembered putting on her favourite black baby-blue minidress. Oh, had she forgotten to remove her make-up? Drat. She hated when she did that.

Blearily, she opened her eyes.

And realised that she wasn’t alone.

Liz Shaw was lying flat on her back next to Jo. She was staring up at the ceiling, red hair dishevelled and bed-rumpled, locks dangling over the pale skin of her shoulders. She had the duvet pulled up to her chest.

With a startle, Jo came to the realisation that Liz wasn’t wearing anything. And, with another startle, realised that she herself wasn’t either. No nightie. No pyjamas. Not a single stitch.

Oh.

‘Er… hello,’ she said, a little nervously. ‘Good morning, Liz.’

‘Good morning, Jo,’ came the reply, and Liz blinked quickly, still staring up at the ceiling. Her hands clenched slightly against the material of the duvet. Jo found her eyes momentarily dart down to what that duvet were covering, and felt a happy shiver go through her centre.

‘Er… are you also-’

‘Completely arse naked? Yes.’

Jo let out a giggle. She had to admit, the feeling of the duvet against her bare skin was rather nice. Her stomach fizzed slightly as she took in the situation.

‘How are you laughing?’ Liz exclaimed, her cheeks flushing pink.

‘Oh, come on,’ Jo laughed, nudging Liz gently in the side, causing a small squeal from the older woman. ‘I’ve never woken up like this before.’

‘What? With a naked woman in your bed?’

‘A naked anyone, to be honest.’

Liz’s eyes widened as she turned her face to look at Jo.

‘You… you’ve never…’

‘Not until now, apparently.’

‘Oh.’

There was a pause, and Jo let out another giggle.

‘If my memory’s correct, you were rather wonderful. Very tender and-’

‘Jo!’

Jo giggled again, and snuggled up against the older woman’s side, slipping one of her legs around one of Liz’s. A delicious shiver went through the redheads body, but she did not recoil.

With the warmth of Liz’s skin pressed up against her own, Jo’s mind was filled with memories of the previous night. Of dancing in semi-darkness, of hands wandering down Jo’s back, of gentle kisses in a dark cupboard, of pushing open the front door of Jo’s cottage and Liz closing it with a swing of her hips, of the discarding of their clothes in Jo’s living room as their passion took overtook all other concerns, of the two of them falling into Jo’s bed and Liz losing herself in desire inbetween Jo’s-

Jo felt warmth spark between her legs, and pressed her thighs together. Good grief, Liz Shaw definitely had a raunchy side…

Jo stared at the older woman. While Jo herself had something of a petite and gamine figure, Liz was a few inches taller and with considerably more curves. In the physiognomic sense, Liz reminded Jo of the members of her private school’s hockey team; those confident, strong older girls who seemed so confident.

And yet Liz was -to Jo’s quiet surprise- apparently very flustered. And, Jo had to admit, she rather liked the thought that she was the cause of such flusteredness from the otherwise-cool scientist.

‘So…’ Liz said, slowly. ‘The whole woman-with-a-woman thing…’

‘Oh, stop worrying,’ Jo said, with a chuckle. ‘I’m not completely innocent about these things, you know; I’ve been on nights out with Captain Yates. After the amazing clubs he’s taken me to, the concept of two women together isn’t that much of a shock.’

‘I did wonder. Didn’t he spend most of the evening trying to flirt with Sergeant Benton?’

‘He’s barking up the wrong tree with the sergeant, unfortunately. I don’t think Benton likes anyone like that.’

‘Hmm,’ Liz said. ‘I did wonder.’

‘Quick question?’

‘Hm?’

‘Liz… why are you covering yourself?’

‘I… I thought you wouldn’t want to…’

‘To see? Liz, I saw way more than them last night, if I remember correctly-’

‘Ssshhh!’ Liz spluttered, giggling. Her hands slipped on the covers, which promptly slid gently off her chest.

Jo gave an appreciative whistle, and grinned, dimples showing in her cheeks.

‘Jo Grant, you are incorrigible.’

‘Says the woman who spent half of last night with my legs around her-’

Liz cut her off with a kiss. Jo giggled, and kissed back. The two women spent a few moments like that, hands gently wandering. The warmth between Jo’s legs began to begin in earnest, sending delicious shivers up her spine and causing gooseflesh to erupt along her arms. Liz -with her longer arms- held Jo close to her, one of her hands gently sinking into the flesh of Jo’s rear end. Not that Jo was complaining.

‘You know,’ Liz said, pulling away slightly. ‘For someone who’s never been with a woman, you’re rather good at this.’

‘I’m a quick study,’ Jo purred, against Liz’s lips. ‘I take it you have no complaints, Doctor Shaw?’

‘Definitely not,’ Liz said, with a giggle. ‘But more evidence would help me form a suitably strong thesis on the subject-’

The telephone of the bedside table rang. The two women startled. Jo sat up, the duvet falling off her, and reached over to pick up the receiver.

‘Hello?’

‘Miss Grant?’ came the voice at the other end of the line.

‘Er…’ Jo said. ‘Yes, Sergeant?’

‘The Brigadier has called an emergency meeting for a hours’ time,’ Benton said, voice cheerful and matter-of-fact. If Jo remembered correctly, the sergeant had been on duty the previous evening, and so had refrained from drinking. ‘Thought you ought to know.’

‘Oh, thank you, Sergeant Benton.’

‘No problem at all, Miss Grant,’ Benton said. ‘Oh, and… is Doctor Shaw there?’

With a giggle, Jo passed the receiver over and Liz -face steadily turning pink- reached out and took it.

‘Good morning, Doctor Shaw,’ -Benton now insisted on referring to Liz with her academic title, after having discovered the existence of her multiple doctorates- ‘Your car is still outside where you parked it. But the roof’s down and you may need to get to it before it starts raining.’

What Jo could see of Liz’s forehead under her bed-rumpled hair turned burgundy.

‘T-thank you, Sergeant.’

‘No problem. Bye, then, Doctor Shaw; it was lovely to see you again.’

‘Likewise. Goodbye.’

Liz handed the receiver back to Jo, who hung the phone up.

As Jo turned back, she promptly burst into laughter.

‘Oh, stop it!’ Liz groaned, putting her hands over her face.

‘I’m sorry; it is rather funny,’ Jo said, giggling as she nestled down beside Liz again. ‘I’m certain Benton won’t say a word to anyone. Although -given where your hands were going when we were dancing last night-’

‘You little minx!’

Jo let out a happy squeal as Liz turned over and wrapped her arms around the younger woman, pressing kisses to her neck. The scientist continued her ministrations, dipping further down Jo’s torso until-

‘Oooh.’

 ‘Sorry; cold mouth?’

‘No complaints here.’

More kisses followed, and Jo felt several delicious shivers go up her spine as Liz’s tongue and lips worked their magic. Liz’s hands began to wander further down Jo’s torso, causing some delighted exclamations from the younger woman. Jo, for her part, began to slip her hands further down Liz’s back, her hands sinking gently into the gentle flesh of the scientists arse. Liz’s thighs trembled, and she momentarily paused her explorations of Jo’s chest, before continuing in renewed eagerness. 

And so it continued, their bodies becoming slick with perspiration and flushed with desire. Hips bucked, lips perused and hands clenched into the bedsheets. Exclamations echoed softly through the room, along with sweet nothings and certain enthusiastic expletives that Jo hadn’t previously thought Liz was capable of. Thighs trembled, breasts heaved, and mouths met, again and again. It was glorious, heady abandon, in the throes of passion and ecstasy.

Eventually, the two women lay, quietly, in each other’s arms, panting gently to themselves as they caught their breaths. Jo’s head was resting on Liz’s shoulder, and the redhead had her arm draped softly down Jo’s side, fingers gently stroking the glistening sweat on the blonde’s thigh.

‘So…’ Jo gasped. ‘W-what now?’

‘Er….’ Liz said, mopping her brow with one hand. She was no longer hiding under the duvet, which -in any case- was discarded haphazardly over the side of the mattress. The bedsheets under their bodies was caked with sweat, but neither woman had any attempt to move. ‘Not sure. To be honest, I’ve never really… done this sort of thing before.’

‘Oh,’ Jo replied. ‘Well, we can just… figure it out, I suppose.’

‘That sounds nice.’

Jo nodded.

‘You live in Oxford now, don’t you?’

‘Yes; why?’

‘Well…’ Jo said, and Liz was delighted to see a slight blush appear on the blonde woman’s cheeks. Jo’s large dropped slightly, before looking up at the redhead through her long lashes. ‘If I’m ever in the area during my next holiday off, we could… go out for a meal?’

‘I’d like that a lot, Jo,’ Liz said, unable to keep the grin off her face. ‘I like you a lot.’

The smile that blossomed on Jo’s face was like the sunrise.

‘I like you a lot too, Liz.’

She pressed a happy kiss to the scientists cheek.

‘Well, we best get up,’ Jo said, before promptly extricating herself of Liz’s arms and climbing out of bed. She stretched her hands above her head, and shook herself. The air of the winter morning was crisp against her skin, and she enjoyed the feeling of freedom that came with standing like this, especially with a wonderful woman watching her from her bed.

Speaking of which…

Jo smiled to herself. She could practically feel Liz’s gaze on her naked back. With a giggle, she felt the warmth begin to spread between her legs. Hmmm.

‘R-right,’ Liz stammered, from the bed. ‘I’ll wait for you to-’

‘It’s due to rain later this morning,’ Jo said, with a grin over her shoulder at the auburn-haired woman. She saw Liz’s eyes widen, and heat appear on her cheeks and neck. The warmth between her thighs was spreading like a glorious fire once again. ‘You’re in a hurry, aren’t you?’

‘Well, yes.’

‘Then you best share a shower with me… don’t you think?’

With a chuckle, Jo headed to her ensuite, and opened the door, curling a hand through her long blonde hair and flicking it over her shoulder. She stood in the doorway for a moment, gave a cheeky wiggle of her bum, and headed into the bathroom.

Immediately after turning the shower on and climbing into the bath, Jo heard the the sound of bedsprings creaking and of Liz’s feet hitting the floor. With a giddy laugh, the redhead hurried into the bathroom after Jo, closing the door with a swing of her hips.

A few moments later, there was a very happy squeal.

~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for reading, everyone! This is my first time writing for both Jo and Liz in any significant capacity, so hopefully the characterisation of them is okay.

[elderscrollsconceptart]

how many tes games have you played, what was your first build/character in each, and why did you pick those skills/traits/etc?

Hi and thank you!

I've played admittedly not a lot of Arena. Its hard to get into due to its age 🧙‍♂️ Love Jeff Perrymans work on the game though!

I've played a good amount of Daggerfall! I played a bit of it ~13(?) years ago but it was the original version so like Arena it was super hard to both play and get into it. I was actually doing a classic "sword and board" play through via Daggerfall Unity just last year and was having fun until my saves got corrupted somehow 🥲

I actually touched Redguard for the first time this year but I'm holding off until I finish my current Morrowind playthrough 🏴‍☠️

Battlespire I've actually never touched despite owning it. Its weird because I've POURED over that games wiki and its actually my favorite old school TES game based purely on aesthetics and its designs. A full play through is on my to do list for this year!

All the old TES mobile games, shadowkey, Oblivion Mobile, etc. I have limited experience with. I've seen them IRL on friends phones back in the day but never got hands on since I actually didn't have a phone until later in Highschool. I think the internet archive has at least a few of them playable? I'd have to check, maybe it's worth checking out!

Morrowind...ahh morrowind :) its my fav TES game in terms of quests. My first play through was not a full one, it was at a friends house on the XBOX version way way back in the day. For my first REAL play through it was on my first gaming PC and I played an athletics focused halberd wielding orc who bonked people on the head 😂

Oblivion..This one PAINS me..I've only actually played though it entirely a single time and it was ages ago on the Xbox 360 and I played a...stealth archer 😵‍💫..It wasn't a meme at the time I swear! I just liked sneaking and archery! When I got it on PC, every time I tried setting it up with or without mods I had technical issues. I've mentioned it before but I absolutely loathe the bad draw distance and pop in that plagues even "ultra" settings on PC. OpenMorrowind on PC is a technical marvel. I wish they'd do something similar for Oblivion or port a stable version of Oblivion to PC. I really want to do a full playthrough again!

Skyrim. Fun fact I calculated it one time and I'm certain I collectively have 3,000+ hours in Skyrim over the past 13 years. Possibly close to 4,000 but thats from my Xbox 360 playthoughs and I don't remember the exact times for that. The base game is long worn out for me but god damn is Skyrim's modding community incredible. Thanks to mods, the game has remained fresh in various ways for the past 13 years and at this rate I'll probably add another 1k hours before TES 6 comes out 😁

ESO. I'm gonna be 100% upfront here. I got the game when it came out and had lots of issues with it. The game had a rocky start and I wasn't ever a big fan of MMOs to begin with. That said! Zenimax has done amazing things over the past 10 years and really kept that game alive with continuous improvement. I haven't kept up with it the past few years ago outside of the lore (and art) stuff but I think after I give the older TES games another go, I'll probably hop back in to ESO.

Legends. I've never played it! TBH don't like card games, Hearthestone, Gwent, etc. Legends doesn't have much going for it besides the art BUT BUT BUT...Legends art is fucking incredible 😍😍😍 Seriously, after Perhaps Skyrim's concept art, the various artists of Legends are my 2nd fav to look at. I can ignore the actual gameplay but I really wish we knew more about who actually has created all the Legends art. We only have hints such as studio names for vast portions of the art, or straight up ZERO sources for who made a lot of the core decks and original release era art. I keep my head on a swivel for that stuff because its so amazing and beautiful!

Lastly, TES Blades. I'm not a huge fan of the game since I don't like touchscreen controls (eg. I play Morrowind on my phone but with a controller). I've played a fair amount but never beat it since the controls are bleh and gameplay doesn't appeal to me a ton. Most of the stuff that interests me about blades is the armor designs and the fact it gives us a super small glimpse into the period between The Great War and Skyrim.

Sorry this went a Lil long but thanks for your ask!

[sivon-acidwyrm-collections]

Is it Persona™ time? It is Persona™ time.

Have this little thing that represents me the best...

Sivon!!

I've had this fella for over 2 years, ever since 2022 June the 12th, and oh golly she has changed a LOT. From having a more humanoid body, to a more accurate body type and with a more... easier to discern hair, they're now free and ready to be drawn by others! For the sillies, of course, as I am as unserious as I can get!!!

I have been a little stuck with her in my mind, as I've been trying to build up her references, maybe bits of her lore and even her abilities! Just a bit, though, because all of these refs and alts, including her extreme forms, took....

26 fucking hours and 47 minutes.

So believe me, it's so much faster drawing silly things rather than drawing references, because it takes a VERY LONG TIME.

Anyway, here's the rest of her alts, with slightly different shirts, suits and a dress! ⬇️

(Yes, I've actually worn this dress irl, except it didn't have the exposed back, it actually feels a bit comfortable!)

There's also her Extreme Forms, which is something I also like thinking about since.... Enraged fellers. Yes. Transformed fellas are cool. And so I implemented them on her.

Here's also some additional information I couldn't add on her reference sheet!

• She speaks english and swedish fluently! Maybe a bit of Spanish but not enough to engage in conversations, as well as a few cebuano words. She's not so fluent 💔

• They're allergic to cashews and pistachios. Should explain why they're wary when nearby these two nuts.

• Their grey shirt can also change pictures randomly, whether it's some cool pictures to silly things!

• She has the crystalline serpent equivalent of autism. Aka.... uh idfk. But they're me so NGARHARHARH

[emiken-070907]

in celebration of the Shroud parents' official appearance, here are some Isle of Woe headcanons I've had since 2020 lmao general/geographical: - the Isle of Woe is somewhere under the ground, not in the ocean, but under the ground; like a forgotten city beneath the earth -> S.T.Y.X. HQ is a separate location!!! only a few know of it, the workers there usually are from families who have worked under S.T.Y.X for generations - it is surrounded by water, meaning you have to take the ferry to get from the mainland of the isle to smaller parts of it. Ferrymen are like chauffeurs to them :D - due to it being underground, no sunlight ever reaches the Isle -> Natives are very pale, even slightly greyish, and used to very low temperatures (yes, Idia has a rough time during summer). They also have wider pupils to catch as much light as possible to see, like night active animals!!! :D

- the Isle is divided into three parts: 1. "Asphodel", the mainland of the Isle where all people live 2. "Elysium", the only place where plants can be grown and cultivated, thus is primarily used for agriculture 3. "Tartarus", where the mines are located- no, it's not actual hell for the workers the noble in charge of it thought it sounded cool and to complete the trilogy yknow ->The Isle trades internationally with gems and jewellery, which is what they are mostly known for :D culture: - the Isle's people live in a democracy (this will be an entirely separate post if people are interested in it god lord all mighty) - the people have a horrible sense of time, as there are no indicators (e.g. the sun) - people aren't used to loud noises or very colourful things; the Isle is a very quiet place, so people are raised with said peace and quiet. Sudden loud noises/bright lights are what essentially is walking into a big city for the first time as a kid who's been raised in a village (just worse :]) - animals do not really live there (the land is unable to naturally carry plants and fruits, except one part of the Isle) -> Only pets are animals that live there (or animals used for e.g. agriculture) -> Many people do not know what animals look like IRL. They have seen pictures on the internet or in books, but have ever seen? Nope - electronic lanterns are scattered over the Isle to illuminate the paths. why old-fashioned lanterns? they look cool that's why Extra: - the Shrouds mansion is on one of the smaller, separate parts ("small" since it is still gigantic)- pretty much all of the noble estates are on separate pieces of land - the Isle is the connection between the real Underworld and the living world. If you go to the isle's shores, you will see the souls of the dead waiting to be picked up -> You cannot get close to them due to a magic barrier. You will also not see them being picked up. They will just fade out of place - The clothes worn are duller in colour the older the person is Children: light colours (e.g. light blue) Adults: rich colours (e.g. red); the colours of choice change into a paler version the older the person gets Elder people: variants of grey -> The only exception to that are the noble houses!! while still following these rules, they normally always have one piece of clothing with great vibrancy as a symbol of wealth, as rich dyed fabric was quite expensive -> The clothes elders die in are also often the gowns they are buried in (efficiency :))

Those are far from all, but a few!! If people are interested in it, I'll make some posts explaining things in greater detail >:D For those who care or are curious- this entire thing I also have for the Queendom of Roses, sO-

[the-crystal-femmes]

thats awesome! I don't sew much, but one of my close friends irl does a lot of repairs so I hear a lot about it. He embroiders, too! So its become a hobby of mine via osmosis. I love to sew stuffed animals, though. I tend to use old clothing that I've worn out or ripped and cant donate or repair. I also crochet a TON! i like to make stuffed animals for that, as well :p I was making a gillman stuffed animal, but I recently left home for a few months and don't have my stuff with me </3

do you have any more physical/tangible/crafty hobbies like that? Personally, I don't have many outside of drawing and painting.

Crocheting sounds fun! I've never done that before but I want to someday.

I don't have any hobbies, really. My disabilities prevent me from doing a lot, although it's all more of a mental factor. I barely sew, so doing it yesterday was something I don't usually do. I wish I had more hobbies but oh well.. /lh, nav

If I could, I would love to make my own plushies! There's a lot of cute bat plushies out there and I wish I could make my own. I do have one I got from Etsy, she's a little Victorian cutie! I don't have a picture of her right now though, I need to brush her down, she's made of fleece so she gets covered in cat fur a lot. /lh

[dearmrsawyer]

am decidedly not leaving bed today!! i feel like i've been run off my feet the last few weeks and i don't need to go anywhere or do anything today so i will not :) yesterday i hosted a fundraiser for the Cancer Council, an Australian org that does tonnes of things like fund research, offer support services to people with cancer, educate and train educators. Last year i hosted it with one of my colleagues but she did a lot of the heavy lifting. This year she's on maternity leave so i did it myself and it was v successful!! We raised over $500 :) So i am feeling v pleased and tired.

i have been thinking about my general state of being and that although i often feel like there is a LOT going on in my day to day i do think that so far this year i've been in a good place. last year was mostly about sitting in a ditch of despair sdfklkdl but the composition of my life this year has been such that i haven't been in that place. what a treat! also my house has not flooded 3 times in the last 6 months so that is certainly nice!

i've had a bit more regular contact with some of my close friends. every month i Zoom with Ellen, my friend from Norway. She's my OG online friend, we met in a Lost forum when i was like 14 LOL, we started doing regular Zooms during covid but have had a good run going lately. Although we did miss the last one because she's hecticly working on her thesis, but regardless it feels like we've been built such consistency and its so good to have that monthly check in. I've also started going out to dinner once a month with my IRL best friend, who i think i saw a grand total of 3 times in 2020-2022 lol, and THAT has been so nice. Human connection outside my household! Who would have thought!!

Also i have not been to so many live events within a 6 month period since like 2018?? All those postponed showed finally caught up with me lol. In Feb i saw Harry with my best friend and the Vamps on my own (i love a solo concert experience), in March I saw MCR with my best friend, in April I saw an Aussie comedy duo called Lano and Woodley with my family (they're like the root of mine and my brother's sense of humour) and in May i saw Kisschasy with an old highschool buddy that I still talk to a lot when i get my act together and reply to his whatsapp messages rip. So much to do!!!! I think of all the shows, my fav night this year was definitely with the Vamps, i just love them. They are so fun to share a room with, their show was so small and at a venue i love/feel comfortable at, and it was their 10 year greatest hits tour so they played all my old favs :') I love them. I do feel like i need a rest from 'events' for a bit now 😂 but it was so nice to have things on the horizon and to get dressed in clothes I haven't worn for 3 years and even to be overwhelmed by uncomfortably large events in the company of friends lol.

Oh I also finished preparing my garden! I haven't planted anything because timing-wise it just worked out that i didn't finish until a couple of weeks ago, and with winter around the corner i don't particular want to set up my garden right now. But it's all dug up and ready to go, so i've laid tarps over it and it will be ready when Spring comes :) I'll need to order some good soil and then pull out my seeds that I have from before we moved. I'm not sure they'll still be good? But we'll see what happens! I can just buy new ones if necessary. So i'm really excited that the second the season is right i can just GET GOING!! No more waiting around for the rain to stop so that i can pull out the forest of weeds, no more STUPID rose bush roots in the way, it will be go time babey.

I have been reading a lot this year, I don't think it is a coincidence that my mind has been more able to manage absorbing books now that i don't feel i am in a ditch of despair lol, my 2023 brain is like perhaps we CAN do more than passively absorb shows we've watched twenty times. i mean we are still doing that in spades for sure, but looking at words on a page for recreational purposes does not feel like too much work! our weekly afternoon tea's at work are currently book-focused too, each week someone picks a genre and we all talk about a book in that genre that we love. Me and one of my colleagues are compiling the list of books mentioned every week and sharing them on Teams as a record, its been soooo fun. The last 2 weeks were scifi and fantasy (aka what i care about) and I chose the long way to a small angry planet and The Princess Bride. Next week's topic of biography though so my run of luck has come to an end sjkdgjkdf but its been vvv fun to basically have a blook club every week! I'm hoping i get picked in the next couple of weeks so i can choose LGBT+ books a) bc it will be Pride month and b) bc i recently read that is how it always is and LOVED it so much and am v interested in what recs my colleagues will have in that genre, but there are a couple of other people that i reckon could choose that if they're picked first (which i am ay-okay with) so my backup genre is books that have adaptations (so i can talk about six of crows 😈)

anyway its chilly and i will be reading fic in bed with Sawyer for the remainder of today, what more could one want

[gurorori]

9, 10 and 13 final answer locked in

😭😭😭 DTAY STRONG

9. share an unpopular opinion!

hmmm this is a bit hard 2 think of. i cud say a few unusual opinions on da way of dress itself but i have a general community opinion dat most lolitas wld definitely side eye me 4...

ok stay with me. bit of a fun topic but, kinksters in lolita. an' 100% i don' mean the s/ssies or anyone similar, sadly lolitas r quite used 2 bein' sexualised & havin' their pictures (especially if it's sweetloli) stolen & used in s/ssy imagines, so on, non-consensually ofc. which angers me too, kink is normal but involvin' ppl who want nothin' 2 do w it will always b nasty, even if it's only a picture. like i need them men 2 understand lolita isn' a girly girl costume, it's jus' a fashion. dat ppl wear, sumtimes everyday...

That Being Said. i find it very insultin' seein' most lolitas turn their noses when they see someone who is Also into kink, interact with the community. in a non-harmful way dat is, i'll explain. it doesn' happen very often but yunno how on reddit, if ya interact with nsfw subreddits & such, it will show on yr profile. well, i've noticed ppl in r/lolita bein' very judgemental of those who have a nsfw side, despite their posts in lolita bein' completely normal & nawt suspicious.

idk, i can only hope im mistaken & it's nawt actually 'most' lolitas, as a lot of da community is full grown adults, an' i don' hold the whole s/ssy thing against em, i'd b slightly wary seein' someone at the intersection of kink&loli too, but i hate seein' ppl act like they r interests without overlap. ya can only have one at a time, apparently.

so ye ig my unpopular opinion is dat ya can b into cool adult stuff & still wear lolita & keep those two separate. ya don' taint the fashion somehow & don' ruin anyone's impression of it. there's a lotta pressure sum ppl put on others in da community 2 always b this perfect representation of wat lolita is, but we r all jus' ppl w our own lives, wearin' unusual clothes. i think ppl r free 2 do the things they normally do.

n_n anyway da more tame opinions i have will always b old school related, an' it's a few style choices dat ppl outside old school look down upon, so i guesss.. unpopular? i luv peekin' bloomers, i luv small/no petticoat, i luv striped socks, i luv whites not matchin', i luv black shoes/accessories with sweet or shiro, i luv coords with a random bag/shirt/anythin' ya found home slapped on, if 2000s FRUiTS street snap girlies cud do it, ya can too.

10. do you prefer vintage or new dresses?

looks at ya with my autistic eyes. guess. guess.. guess. guess. I LUV OLD SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!! i don' particularly mind re-releaaes of the old designs tho, so technically they'd b 'new', but 'm mostly in favor of older, used, even worn dresses/skirts/etc, if da price is good & it's a piece i want.. sumtimes the designs get updated a bit thru da years & end up lookin' different, which happend 2 a baby dress i own ↓

2005 (da version i own) vs current,

i still have no idea if we can trust new baby stock images but da color difference is crazy if true. havin' the older dress irl i can vouch it's.. actually even lighter in person, but dat might jus' b signs of wear. but yeah as ya see da design itself still had changed quite a bit, the cute lace curtain on da bodice is gone. i think da bigger bow on da neckline instead of da waist throws da balance off 4 me personally, too. like i jus' overall prefer the old version here.

i think dats my stanceeeee.. i don' mind buyin' re-releases & most likely will, but i still have more old-school preferences. it's quite hard 2 find pieces dat r both new & fit dat vibe still. as ya see even da old designs get renewed 2 da point where they lose their charm..

13. where would your ideal photoshoot be?

A CEMETERY!!! srsly, all da western places like europe & the us have such aesthetically pleasin' lookin' well-kept cemeteries with like nice greenery & stuff. here they r huge & ugly & very packed tho like it's nawt a place where ya can melancholically lean against a tombstone or stand menacingly & look gothic. nope.

aside from dat, jus any gothic architecture really, dark & imposin' n watever. obviously we don' have dat here either..

[earthstellar]

it's been a rough few days to be in healthcare in England

I know it's made international news in some places, but for those unaware, a serial killer nurse just got busted for killing several infant patients after a ton of fuckery impeded the initial investigation

I'm not linking to any news articles about it because it's all anyone can talk about and we're all so fucking depressed about it

naturally it's a scandal and everyone's morale is in the shitter regardless of whatever anyone's role might be, clinical, non-clinical, or otherwise

it's not the first time something horrific like this has happened; Stafford Hospital, Wrightington Hospital, the Bristol heart scandal, the Alder Hey organs scandal, and a whole fuckload more

but still, understandably, everyone is feeling pretty horrendously bad over this current situation

just makes me wonder what Ratchet's initial reaction was to finding out just how many medics had sided with the Decepticons-- in four million years of war, plenty of moral injury to go around, many crimes committed, and much to think about

in at least one continuity (IDW 1) Ratchet very nearly joined the Decepticons himself, and he watched Pharma's decline from excellent, honourable Autobot medic to becoming a T-cog stealing, patient killing, staff endangering maniac (which I've talked about at length previously) -- the distress of which is painfully relevant at the moment, really

or what about finding out how many medics never picked a side and went neutral, fleeing to safe havens like Crystal City for as long as they could to avoid the war-- understandable, but also prevents them from treating any war wounded on either side and effectively removes them from alleviating strain on wartime medical staff, resulting in overall greater numbers of fatalities and poor outcomes

(not to mention additional wear and tear on staff; if some of these neutral medics had been around to assist Ratchet, would he have aged and worn out so severely?)

IDK this probably sounds fucked up to even talk about right now given the seriousness of the current IRL case, but fiction is how a lot of people deal with bad shit and I'm not an exception to that-- hopefully it doesn't come across as being in poor taste

I'm taking tomorrow off work, thank god, so hopefully I'll be able to take a break and finally get around to answering some things in my inbox-- thank you to everyone who's sent me messages especially about Cybertronian medicine because I love thinking about that and I really need stuff to keep my mind off this horrible IRL case at the moment <3

[roxynychus]

Good news: got a bunch of new femme clothes this week!

Bad news: I've now worn femme clothes so much that I get severe dysphoria from wearing all masc clothes, and I haven't come out to anyone irl but close family and a few friends

[nightcall99]

Notes from 9.2.24

Yesterday while rummaging around I found my old music box. I opened it and inside were three fairy keepsakes from my childhood. A pink fairy brooch, a fairy figurine stamp, and a white hanging fairy. This morning I woke up and had dreamed about this exact music box. All day I've had very random childhood memories pop up. Things I haven't thought of for decades. Well, probably since the memory was lived through, quite frankly. Very specific things like the wooden cubby house I used to play in at kindergarten and how it felt to sit on a particular tree stump at primary school. My mother also randomly brought up a bunch of stories from my childhood. There were ones I had no recollection of, others I did. I dunno, I was kind of glad to be reminded of all this stuff.

Things feel very... soft. Soft-focus. Like being carefully laid down to sleep. I've taken some time off so that might have something to do with it, but still. I don't feel like doing much. I mean I haven't for a long time but now by body is actually telling me no. I forced myself to go to a secondhand clothing shop yesterday, just to leave the house and before I even left my car, my body was already saying no. When I got inside the store and started browsing, my nose started running like crazy and I felt like I was going to faint. The two people having a conversation nearby were setting me off too. I think I'm not supposed to go outside. Digestion has been really off the past few days. I don't feel hungry in the way you're supposed to, it’s like the bodily feeling is there but it feels like a fake feeling. A scene from a dream comes back to me, where I'm wearing a pink and white striped blouse that I bought years ago but have never worn irl. I came across it in my closet the other day, so I wore it. I bought cupcakes. Just to leave the house. Just to eat something. Do something. Why?