#I'm sort of over this whole life thing
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Can We Quit Life Without Dying?
Do you ever wish you could walk away from life like you do a job. Just send a nicely worded email about how you enjoyed your time but it's time to move on for other opportunities? I'm not talking about the S word or anything. I'm talking about just saying Fuck it and then just checking out.
You can't care about things if you're checked out
You can't be hurt if you're checked out
#my brain thinks about slightly weird things#checking out#not caring anymore#I'm sort of over this whole life thing#anxiety#depression#too much weed lol there's no such thing as too much weed
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I made a few new wax seal stamps out of clay (like the ones I did for my worldbuilding stuff forever ago), this time just of random symbols that I thought might look good done in the style of painting over the raised part of the wax or etc. :0c Some of them aren't carved deep enough to really show up that well, but overall they worked okay for being clay lol
#wax seal#crafts#wax stamp#stationery#Window one is kind of stinky.. I was imagining like a swirly night sky sort of looking thing so it would be a surreal contrast of a night#sky with a window in the middle that shows a daytime sky - but the silver and purple wax kind of mixed too much together#with the black and it just looks very plain black and not all that starry or anything hjbhj.. Of course the eye is probably my favorite#since all I ever do is draw eyes and still like eye imagery for some reason. The four leaf clover is very lumpy and skrunkty but also it wa#the smallest in size out of all of them so was easier to do multiple stamps of just to try it out.#The heart with eyes wax is actually more swirly in person. I wanted it to be a mix of light pink and red and white. and the wax#did kind of all blend together but in person you can definitely see MORE of the intentional swirlyness. in this it just looks plain pink.#I was going to do one eye in the heart but it looked weird. but now two seems too plain. i could have done 3?? in a pattern.. hmm#alas. I wish I could make actual metal ones. With the clay i have to paint them in a thin layer of olive oil before stamping because#otherwise the wax just kind of gets stuck in the grooves of the clay and then you can't pull it up. Very wacky ''unprofessional'' looking#set up where I'm hot gluing circles of sculpey clay to short stumps of a wooden dowel that I sawed apart with a serrated bread knife#and then using an old paintbrush to put olive oil on them whilst holding a spoon over a yankee candle flame hjbjh#ANYWAY.. I think if I were middle class/rich/etc. this would be one of the main things in my crafting room is like.. SO many colors#of wax. and all different custom made stamps designed by me. which could be much more elaborate in actual metal.. muahaha.... >:)c#RHGghhh... I actually don't want to talk much about it since (this is probably just my Obsessed With My Own World Artist Delusions) I#think I have a really cool idea for a game that could genuinely be successful if i ever get to make it and I don't want to give#everything away and spoil the whole plot/concept in hopes that one day I can actually do it - BUT - a game that I'd like to make after the#visual novel I'm making now has partially to do with the main character working as a sort of writer/scribe/artist assistant in an elven#city (set in my world/with my worldbuilding species and versions of elves and etc) and I was thinking of maybe incorporating#somehow being able to collect little writing type items like these like.. you can get different wax seal patterns or pens or etc. when I do#stuff like this in Real Life it always makes me think of that like.. ouh... this is good research.. what it shall be like to be a littol#elf collecting wax seals and such.. indeed... GRR i need to be finished with my current game NOWWW... i MUST work on other#thingss... aughh... ANYWAY.. yay. accomplishment to do One Single Thing other than Sit In The Summer Heat And Rot#though also hilarious as this was the first cool-ish day that was below 80F in a while hgvh#waking up like 'wow.. i actually feel okay today?? like I could do things?? how mysterious.. I wonder why..?? :0'' Its The Weather You Fool#Tis Always The Weather
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#fucks me up that there are two whole new animals in the house that i barely know#who depend on me for everything#barely recognize me as a friend or helper#and are so incredibly incredibly fragile#i got worried for junie today because her spay incision had some swelling#and it's normal to have some and i have seen it before#but after what we just wemt through i got upset and rushed her to the vet#who said it was fine and thankfully we have free office visits#but i was so upset even though i knew it was probably normal#i look at them and i see adorable cuddly sweet TEMPORARY things and i feel like something inside me got broken somehow#and i was right all along that after it was all over i would come back but not quite as myself#i just hadn't fully understood the extent#we are keeping them and it sort of had to happen when it did but i think it was too early for me#they are so cute and when they do cuddle it's so sweet and obviously i would fight for them as hard as i would for Fancy#because that's just how the deal works and it isn't about you at all it's about how they each carry a little world inside them just as we d#and that deserves equal respect and care regardless of my personal affections#but i look at them and i see little creatures that don't belong here and are foreign in some fundamental way#and that they will be gone in just a little while and things will go back to how they were#which is impossible#we will settle in and i doubt anything i am feeling is abnormal but I'm really struggling and i feel so bad about that#i don't know#it's just a lot to deal with#and i feel very lonely and sad about it#and under it all the sick feeling of having JUST held all three lads as they passed and the VISCERAL reality of it#and knowing one day if everything goes just right i will be holding them too#dear god life is so fragile and every living thing is just as mortal as any other
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I wanna know ur Fontaine msq criticisms 👁️👁️👂I’m all ears
I'm not sure if you wanted me to talk about this secretly or publicly but! Here I go!
The TLDR: Fontaine MSQ aestheticised prison, poverty, child abuse, the justice system/court and didn't properly address any of it.
More:
Focalors/Furina has way too much of a sympathetic angle for a dictator who's lets people drown with her inaction.
Neuvillette feels Bad for sentencing some people to death/prison, but that's it. He's one of the most powerful people in Fontaine. If he felt like there are systemic injustices, I.E sending an abused Child to prison, he should be the first person to DO something about it, not just cry and be sad so the audience can be like aw, that's complex character writing isn't it? No it's not! And guilt doesn't absolve you!!!!!!! (These are stuff we deal with in OTCOJ read my fic now /j)
Meropide has children in it, both Sentenced there (Wriothesley) and BORN THERE (Lanoire), and this is just a quirk of the place. Not only that, Meropide accepts prisoners of all genders and crimes. There are abusers and abuse victims in one place. Do you know how bad that is? How much potential for crimes to happen in a place like that— oh wait, Meropide isn't under Fontaine's jurisdiction. If you are assaulted as an inmate it literally means nothing to the court.
Wriothesley had no qualifications when he took over. Depending on how long he lived on the streets, how old he was when he killed his parents, how old he was when he was first taken in by the orphanage, etc, the man might never have more than 4–5 years of formal education. Sigewinne probably had to teach him how to write reports. And do Meropide's spreadsheets. Edit because I forgot to elaborate on this one: This isn't a point brought up anywhere, which is bad, because when poverty and incarceration robs you of a proper education (and the rights to vote in many places too, too, by the way), it reduces your prospects for jobs, reduces many people's ability to get a home etc etc. Wriothesley was just, narratively, Given his position.
Meropide is an industrialized prison, and they portray this as a good thing. Prisoners are paid in coupons for their labour, and this is also portrayed as a good thing.
The One-Meal-A-Day reform was something Paimon gushed about being so great of a perk, that people might want to go to jail for food (could be interesting and reflective of systemic poverty if MHY had brains, but they don't, so I was just Pissed because essentially all Paimon wanted to say was "Prison isn't so bad, but still don't go to prison guys! Prison labour is really hard!"). By the way, in most real-world prisons they are obligated to feed you three meals a day. Because that's how much food a human needs. MHY went with one meal just so they can say "if you want to eat more, you have to work." And then the welfare meal is a goddamn gacha. So imagine you're a starving child who's too weak to work in the fucking robot assembly line, and you wander up for your first meal in 24 hours, only to luck in with a shit one. I'd kill myself.
They wrote Wriothesley, who's a victim of the system, into a guy who's say shit like "I'm the Duke I can do whatever I want" for a cool moment where he choke-slams an inmate (I know he was a bad guy. But also, in copaganda when cops are violent/disregarding protocols, they are always only portrayed to do that against bad guys, so what does our critical thinking tells us about this one?) They wrote Wriothesley, who was an inmate of a prison so bad, so notorious that it is the literal boogeyman of Fontaine, that has a legal (???) fighting pit, with an administrator who abuses his position to be unreasonable, to willingly stay in the place and become an Administrator who would choke-slam an inmate while saying a cool line about how he has the power to do whatever he wants. They wrote him, the guy who had to be fed on the streets by melusines, to think one-meal-a-day was a good enough reform (while he spends god-knows how much on his boat). This wasn't a victim-turns-into-abuser narrative either, they want all this to be seen as positive character growth.
And then, the final kicker is, they gloss over his entire abuse. You can only read about these shit in his profile, which most people don't because they don't Have Him or doesn't care to unlock it/read it online, and they jammed his entire backstory into a flaccid info-dump at the end of his character story quest. This man isn't Allowed to feel abused and neglected and show any reaction to it within the narrative of Fontaine itself, because if they actually Gave Weight to what happened to him, they'd have to confront THE FUCKING JUSTICE SYSTEM they had NO PLANS on criticising. I don't think they ever explicitly said the fucking Crime-Theatre nonsense was Bad either.
I could go on, but this is already so long. But yeah, I hope this gave you an idea.
#and then. and im putting my most controversial opinion in the tags bc im scared lmao. but like... then... you have the fans..... doing......#the same fucking thing.#the amount of times I have seen Wriothesley used as just a side prop for Neuvillette to feel bad about shit. While Wriothesley is just.....#portrayed as having the inner peace and acceptance of a fucking monk. I was shocked when I read some fics I swear#they really said this man has no trauma at all! the stuff in his past? he's over it!#i hate that passivity when writing victims. like ok if One is written like that#sure. but MHY write all their victims like this#I mean look at fucking Lanoire#and Neuvillette sentenced him to prison after he killed his parents who were never confronted by the law. That's canon.#that's more canon than WRLT itself.#why weren't they confronted? did wriothesley try to talk to someone about it? why did he feel like killing them is his only option ?????#at least have there be some sort of conflict and friction there. How does Wriothesley feel about the court and Neuvillette when#this is the literal system that allowed all that shit to happen to him in the first place???#are you Sure he won't be at least a little wary? the fact that some people think he's Grateful to Neuvillette or even idolises him is crazy#because the man literally subjected him to prison. and if you want to portray his prison life as easy breezy and trauma free#you undermine his entire shitty little 'prison reform' narrative#and if you think he'd be completely 100% accepting of the justice system. Then why the fuck would he kill his parents himself#don't you see that the whole 'I'll accept whatever sentence in order to kill my parents' thing in itself is an act of defying the system#and I Hate#this idea. about being some of the most powerful men in the nation. and yet they can't fucking TRY to set up a better system or smth#i can't believe I read a fic where leaving starving street kids croissants is the most they (the characters and the writer) want to do#like. what the fuck. the whole point of that scene is just to make neuvillette feel bad and be like aw......... poor people exist.... OK???#this is literally how MHY would portray him though.... tbf..... This is what ppl would argue as 'in character'#I just think the character they're in is bad.#I will say I'm giving the fic a lot of grief. there's more to the scene than that. and. ultimately.....#fanfic is (saying this through gritted teeth) ........ recreational....................and free........... in the end.................#i dont think this is reflective of the writer. I do think it is reflective of the way the canon material (genshin impact)#presents in the audience who consumes it. most fans only want these guys to fuck anyway. not think about systemic injustices#canon doesn't make it about the systemic injustices either so why should we. the aesthetic of slums and prisons are just there for fun guys#IM JUST CRAZY OK. I SHOULDNT EVEN BE HERE THIS IS NOT FOR ME . I DONT CARE THAT MUCH FOR PEOPLE FUCKING AND I CARE TOO MUCH
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i know i won't be leaving here with you
#tricked yall. this isn't actually about thorsten and victor it's about those two rabbits from the opening scene of tödliche tarnung#tatort stuttgart#(that was a lie this is my thorsten/victor thesis statement)#are they GOOD for each other? debatable. did they spend 90% of their acquaintance lying to each other? absolutely. are they both really#competent in their respective fields and really good at working together when they want to? yeah. is there something more than a little#homoerotic about all of it?#yes <3#the thing about take me out is that it's a rival snipers song and it's a song about machinery and knowing only one of you is getting out of#this alive . the thing about take me out is that it's about the moment before you both pull the trigger#still very annoyed by the GAPING continuity fail in spiel auf zeit btw. i'm sorry you're gonna base a whole escape plan on victor faking#there being a daughter thorsten doesn't know about. when tödliche tarnung TOLD us that victor has a daughter and OH YEAH thorsten (or chris#is her GODFATHER#come on. guuuuuyyyssss#i like making vids that feel a little like they're spiraling. repeating the same scenes (but not quite the same moments) over and over#again until it resolves into something either further up or further down but not far away from where we started#flashing back and back unable to look directly at the key moment until it passes and it becomes possible to move on#i ALSO like sebastian's silly little gazelle hop in that scene right after victor saves thorsten's life. symmetry would have demanded i add#some sort of baustelle instead on exactly that beat but no damn you. not throwing out the silly gazelle hop
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hmmm should i go through all of the dramas and musicals and other dn medias to compare light's wardrobes there as well as from the anime and manga or is that too much work
#i need to see all of light's wardrobe and i was considering doing every character but i think i'll limit it to light and misa#and potentially mello bc he's constantly serving cunt. i dont think L and near have enough outfits to bother w it and the rest#of the kira taskforce wears pretty basic suits the whole time so i will probably not do them#def light and misa though i care abt their taste in fashion the most#i was planning on doing another read through of the manga and marking things down while i'm doing that and just putting the#anime on like 10x speed and pausing for new outfits but if im gonna do extra content that'll probably push this project into being#a longer thing bc originally i was thinking it'd take me maybe a week or two but i've never seen the dramas yet so im probs gonna#want to take my time w those. hm. idk i like have life things to do but i kinda really want to do this#i also want to keep track of the page numbers/timestamps/episodes that certain outfits show up for reasons#and then ig once i have all of my data (light and misa's outfits) i can set up individual timelines for each series and i can sort#them into little categories and i can compare them and i can track their fashion tastes over time yippee!!!!#oh i get so excited thinking abt this i will have the best archive of all of their outfits and i will ofc share my findings bc i feel like#this is very helpful research#it's so funny bc all of this.... is just so i can properly pick out lingerie that i think light would like.......#ajdhkajsjhdjgasjhj
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The Me who bought tickets to see TMBG in february 2023 and the Me who's going to actually go to the show next month are two completely different people
#slash extremely negative#it's funny to actually live this whole sort of cliche of: the time between buying tickets and going to the show can be so absurdly long#with what was supposed to be my 1st 'real' concert no less#'i bought the tickets as a teenager but i'm going to see them in my 20s etc' and stuff like that#and then when it gets rescheduled too... well. a year and 9 months is in fact a pretty long time!!!#and i'm not even talking about rescheduling due to covid because god at least i didn't have to deal with that i guess#(it IS funny though that by the time the 30th anniversary of flood tour ends#flood will be 2 months away from turning 35. so yeah lmao a lot happened in the meantime huh)#anyways day two of going crazy going insane for no reason other than well i guess that's just my life now!!!!! 😃😃😃#me when i say i'll stop documenting my rapidly progressing mental breakdown online and then keep doing it anyway#but idk maybe this will heal me in some way. my only hope rn no joke#and my mom actually seemed to be unsure if i we should book the hotels and stuff because. ig i'm this obviously unwell even over the phone#but BY GOD this is the only thing i can really look forward to right now i really need this to survive#(trying to forget how i was doing in september of last year when they rescheduled the tour#and i couldn't even be sure if i'd ever get to see them in the end lollllll#and at the heights of my tmbg obsession this was my number 1 dream. i mean it still is)#also i think i'm finally entering my tmbg autumn era now with some more frequent listening after not doing so for a while#how could i let myself pretty much forget that i love tmbg??? and that their music is so good and makes me happy???#they're still my fav band of all time just like they were back then. THAT didn't change at least#it's just that now they share that spot with sparks also lol. can't choose between them and why should i anyway#what else. ig i just hope i get the energy to finally draw tomorrow at least#because if i don't turn the ideas i have into reality then they will never become real! and that would be so sad#so maybe this can be my main reason to continue for now. whatever#goosepost
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I think John doesn't select Just Anyone Who doesn't Value Their Lives for his traps. considering his vast deliberation into the various outcomes based on behavior, I think he has to determine that they meet the right threshold for Possibility To Change
#mine#saw#other#I'm not articulating this very well#but I think that he values the ability to change over the fact that they're lacking in his eyes#a guy who has zero chance of changing his mind after a game has no impact (see: Cecil)#(I actually think the whole Cecil thing was super impactful for him)#(he didn't change at all) (the person he most wanted to change (at least in that moment))#also I don't think he limits his selection to just people regularly in his life (see: eyesucker5000 daydream) I think it's anyone he sees#that could Use His Help#edit: I know this is sort of addressed in the whole Survival Instinct thing but I think that's mostly for show#I think he genuinely wants to help people change#(and of course it satisfies his desire to see other people struggle for their life in a short reliable format to soothe himself about his#struggle(s) to live)#but I absolutely think he's entrenched in the idea that he's helping people and zeroing in on the ability to change as a result of the test#is how he thinks he can best accomplish that#literally if they can't change there's no point of the test. it'd just be murder#so I sorta think the jigsaw pieces he cuts out are a sign of remorse#a physical reminder of the people that he killed by miscalculating#of course that doesn't really explain his other murders (looking at u saw 7)#but whagever I'm sleep deprived and high as shit lmaooo 😎🫶🏻💃🏼
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not to psychoanalyze myself through self-inserting but honestly i thought having my s/i and f.ursona be sheep-themed would potentially be a bad idea bc .... part of the reason i chose it is the whole "sacrificial lamb" thing, so I thought "hmm i hope this doesn't make me into someone w a victim complex" but ... honestly somehow it's done the opposite ?
i have no idea how but i think maybe letting myself finally properly acknowledge that i truly do have such a shit life situation and exist as a bit of a victim in it has somehow made me able to move past that a bit and transition into just like... being a person who has a bad life situation, and knowing there's More to me even if that victim part does exist. idk it's made me feel slightly more at peace w everything i think, and i've been having less morality spirals over it all so that's a huge win honestly 😭
#EN EE WAYZ. life genuinely does suck but i can acknowledge that it does without letting it be All that i am !!!!!!!#yeah i've been dealt a bad hand but i'm not Just a cards player. or something. LMAO#the amount of spirals i've had over worrying that i've got a victim complex is ridiculous fdsjfkl#so ACTUALLY WAIT. THIS IS LIKE. THE RLY EFFECTIVE O.CD TREATMENT. I'M JUST NOW REALIZING. DAMN !!!#the one where u are supposed to just Engage w the thing ur afraid of. e.xposure t.herapy sort of deal#literally i just did that for myself without realizing it omfg#i really said ''yeah u know what. lets lean into the whole victim thing. fuck it. lets see where this goes'' AND IT WAS A GOOD IDEA!!#thank u storytelling for being far more effective than talk t.herapy once again LMFAO#ask to tag#dandy.cmd
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still thinking abt the tumblrinx i encountered a while back whose pinned post said they were transmasc… and also demanded that men dni
like—i’m not confused by the convoluted not-like-the-other-boys doublethink that gets you there, i can follow the chain of illogic just fine, but i sure am deeply wearily depressed by it!
#i know plenty of good men—good cis men even! gasp!#and i just think like. if we can’t move away from‚ like‚ cold gender war how the fuck do we move forward#fundamentally like. 100% block people who have behaved towards you in ways you didn't like.#but like. this whole thing where ~afabs~ preemptively self-victimize by conjuring up the creepiest cishet man they can imagine#and self-harm by worrying abt that imaginary guy jacking off to them#is just like. i understand how it happens but it’s like. you’re actively doing negative visualization#and‚ like‚ preemptively self-victimizing#ime it feels a lot better to move through the world unworried‚ in the knowledge that if someone says sth gross to you: you can block them!#anyway ultimately i’m pretty clearly making this post bc i'm overdue to unfollow the tirfiest blogger i’m currently following#like. yeah loads of cishet men are shitheads but ~misandry~ is so last decade#and frankly i don’t have a lot more time for the cishet women who have bought into the same system—like i have some sympathy but.#these people all get warped by the system into complementary fucked-up cogs whose teeth bite into one another#and i’m just not interested in biting back—i want to leave all the biting behind in the dust of the junkyard that birthed it#and like. i don’t want to dismiss the oppression that births this sort of rhetoric. it's super real and it's toxic and it fucks people up.#but it’s like. when people have bad dads and then are like Dads R Always Bad!!!#and i’m just over here like. i don’t know how to say this without sounding like i’m invalidating you but my dad was a fucking saint tbh#not perfect dgmw but like. a sweet gentle encouraging man who got ground down by my mother’s toxic heel along with the rest of us#so like. actually not only are you closing yr eyes to a better future‚ yr closing yr eyes to other ppl’s lived realities#like i personally managed to have a totally life-ruining mother without deciding Mothers Are Ontologically Evil Actually!#idk. obviously women remain *enormously* systemically oppressed! but surely we can acknowledge and decry that without#implicitly rhetorically closing off any possibility of a gentler queerer gender dynamic?#anyway none of this is revolutionary i’m just like. i KNOW the fascists want to cut off my toes and force me into the glass slipper#of viciously constrained femininity#that in turn makes itself feel better by sneering at men‚ critiquing other women who Do It Wrong‚ and exerting control over children#so i have strong personal cause to care about misogyny even if i didn’t care about it in the abstract#but i just think like. acting like traditional gender roles and dynamics are a fixed truth we can only bruise ourselves on#instead of a human construction that we can undermine and work to topple#is not actually the path to a healed world in the long run!#anyway. beta edition post (thumbtyped & not reread): may contain bugs.
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I got these shoes from someone recently but thought they were way too plain looking, so I set out on a quest to customize them with some sharpies and charms and miscellaneous ribbon I had in my craft drawers. Mostly sky themed (clouds, rainbows, rain, stars, etc.) because that's my favorite aesthetic, but I had to include some cat imagery as well, of course lol.
#also honestly had NO IDEA that real converse have that star logo on the INSIDE not the outer part??? why the hell would you want it on the#inner portion where nobody can see it?? my entire life I always would have sworn it was on the outer facing portion..#I think these would be perfect IF they were just slightly taller (top part higher above ankles instead of just weird hard material digging#right into your ankle whenever you walk) and if they were actual good platforms. they're so short. It's good that 'chunky' shoes are gettin#more popular as they've always been my favorite Look ever since I had these shoes with roller skates that pop out of thebottom (not heelys.#but like. before those. it was two whole entire roller skate wheels like a normal pair of roller skates) and the bottoms were so tall and#clunky and it made my feet look giant (because it had.. entire wheels in the bottom pockets lol). so#I've alwatys been into the aesthetic but . still I find a lot of the 'brands jumping on trend' are too short of platforms#OR they're plafrorms with a raised back/heel/wedge which to me is not aesthetically good and also makes them exceptionally uncomfortable to#wear compared to just plain completely flat chunky platform bottoms. ANYWAY.. if these shoes had a 3 or 4 inch platform I think they'd be#cooler. however for what they are it's still fine! and I like them more now that they actually have some sort of anything to them and#aren't just plain white. The weird thing is that the material it's made out of (maybe some sort of leather or something) absorbs sharpie?#the color changes over time. You draw a mark and then leave it for a few days and it either fades into being barely there or has changed#colors. so I had to go back in and redo parts. ALSO the shoe chains are so funny because I did NOT have the right tools for them#I don't have the stuff to make bracelets or open and close the little rings. they're held onto the shoe with just safety pins and the actua#little rung things that hold the charms on half of them are like broken or the metal is just jam smushed together bent and warped hhbjhjhb#I actually like the back a lot where there's the irridecent star thing hot glued on there. it's cool and shiny. and the clouds#are sparkly on the main parts of the shoe though I'm not sure how well it shows up in pictures#ANYWAY... shoegs..... If I were rich this is one of the things I would definitely custom order from craftsman#why would I spend like thousands of dollars on plain ass shoes that are just expensive because they're a Luxury Brand when I could literall#like pay people to create me custom shoes to my exact specifications?? I could have like 5 inch flat platform boots with fur andclouds#and cat shaped holes in the bottom with LEDs in them with pom pom and charms and etc. etc. etc. Like as gaudy and excessively over#decorated as I want lol.. AND they could have skates in the bottom somehow!! ghjgbhjb#this on top of all the custom wizard costumes and period clothing I would order.. Like i LOVE customizing things. I love everything in my l#life being as particualr as possible and cultivating every experience I have to meticulously meet my own specific criteria as much#as is possible. If I had the money to I would never buy something from a store again. EVERYTHING I owned from furniture to clothing#would be either made by me - or mostly - comissioned from craftsmen. custom tiles for my floors. custom bed. custom table.#even like. custom toilet. custom sinks. etc. etc. ouGGH... but yeah.. anyway... shoes..
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screaming myself hoarse til I pass out we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you about your career your whereabouts!!!
#not about j we're good - about the friend who i haven't shut up about in the 14 years i've been on the hellsite#the fun part is that i know his forever career and his forever whereabouts and it will break my heart into shards for the rest of my life!#and goddamnit we weren't romantically together but instead together as part of a weirdly codependent friend group of four and we were#near identically weird and fucked up emotionally and in our humor and how we spoke and how we meshed and i will NEVER fucking get over it!!#i'm still agog that i sent you a last chance hail mary sort of letter like the lyrics in this song about how i think about you often and#have always believed in you and been rooting for you like all the rest of us who knew you before things got really bad because you were and#are such a fucking incredible person and musician and friend and so smart and creative and LOVABLE! i said that in the letter without#realizing alanis said that in one of THE best lost love songs of all goddamn time!#i wish i could tell you one more time - right now today immediately or better yet five years ago - how i have always loved and admired you#and everything about you. even now. all the way out here in iowa i am still loving you with everything i have in me every single day#knowing i will never speak to or see you again [i think about you all the time but i don't need the same] and i finally started to admit#that to myself and my friends and my therapist in 2021 and i'm more at peace with it than i ever was or thought i could be in 2019 and 2020#but i know it's gonna take my whole lifetime to get a grip on it and accept it. and it'll stop hurting one of these days. i know it will#i don't think i've ever loved a friend as much as I loved you. i think you were the best friend i've ever had#and that's one of the nastiest parts of it - we were good friends and you did seem to like me plenty#but i think i was the w-h-auden_morelovingone.txt by a mile. i was a weird obsessed stage 10 clinger.#and that's surely a large part of the dwelling and the fixation. if things had been more equal then maybe it'd be very different now.#guess i'll die because i sure ain't finding out!!#HELLO LOVES HAVE SOME RICH NUTRITIOUS ANNIE LORE ON THIS FINE FREEZING COLD SUNDAY AFTERNOON!#ann with an ie#<- this was a nightmare to type out and feel but i wanna keep it around for whenever i get the balls to talk about it in therapy again
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My darling Molly!!
I'm so sorry that you are having these people come into your askbox! They clearly know nothing about you, your values or your fics.
Anyone who has ever talked to you knows how much you champion the right to write what you like; and anyone who has ever read your fics can see how much your versions of Sirius and Remus change from story to story. I've never known a fic writer to represent diversities in so many ways as you.
Fuck these haters. Those of us who know and love you, know that you aren't like this.
(and for the anons who are still unclear: wanting to read a certain type of portrayal of a character does not automatically mean someone hates other versions of them too. And ALSO... People are allowed to just... not like something!! You don't have to police it for them!)
I love you, my darling
🧡🧡🧡
My heart, my darling, beta/bestie/love of my life ❤️❤️
Thank you so much. I think I got too defensive at the start of this whole thing and just made a bunch of people mad for no reason. I really do try to make this fandom a space of love and kindness, but I am also human, and sometimes things said about me, my friends, or my fics can hurt my feelings. If I upset anyone, I apologize.
The intention of answering those asks was only to make it known that I don't align with any one way a character is written, that everyone has the right to make a character their own, that I will continue to do as I have always done, which is to write these characters the way that best fits the story and what I want to read in that story. I truly strive to write these characters as nuanced and as diverse as I can, with depth and life, to not read as a stereotype.
If anyone still has a problem with the way I write my fics or the way I answer anonymous and vaguely impolite asks about a particular topic, you are welcome to message me so that we can have an actual conversation instead of making assumptions about what kind of person I am.
#i got an ask!#Thanks love#I'm still sort of upset over this whole thing#I hope the people who follow me AND TRULY KNOW ME will see that I was not intending to be rude#Nor was I trying to start drama#I was answering an ask that came across as not very nice#Original anon#I'm sorry if I got defensive#My writing is like the one thing I think I'm sorta good at#And life is shit right now I've said this before#So it came across as a personal attack#Even though I don't think it was intended that way#Anyway I hope everybody is doing okay#Especially Sirius black#Lol
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Sapphire isn't used to love letters much less affection in any way considering a lot of people want nothing to do with her nowadays or scared her away further into self-isolation. But the deeply suppressed hopeless romantic part of her sprang up -albeit reluctantly- as a result of the letter that somehow popped up. Who could it be???
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This does not involve any former fictional love I had in the past.
A personal doodle with vague self-ship implications as is intended. I don't date irl people anymore as I think it's best for others to not have to deal with me. But regarding the not-irl world I've had this damn bastard of a character in my head for... a month now? Even tho they've been my childhood during the late 90s - very VERY early 2000s when I was little probs because I didn't know f/os were a thing, and they've only just stated making me crush on them this year. Which is all well and good because I miss the feeling so much. But I don't really talk about them much at all and even less want to even hint at who they are outside of extremely vague shit that could apply to anyone else because frankly the only way I feel safe loving 2D in such away again without having people make me feel like I'm a freak who shouldn't feel negative emotions is to keep it all to myself.
Also this doodle takes an anti-social extremely misanthropic cryptid with relationship problems & believes she doesn't deserve any sort of happiness and pairs her with a sudden strange love letter and was an interesting combo because she's not trusting at all and is dealing with an array of emotions like I've been.
Art/OC: Mine
Do not steal/crop/edit/etc. Do not tag as kin/me
#Sapphire (Fursona)#Em Doodles#I take self-shipping very seriously because it's such a huge part of my life that shaped me to who I am#not to mention my brain sees and materializes the characters into a whole thing with them to where they literally feel real#to where I have entire lives with them. Like living with them. Socializing with them. Talking about them as if they were real and happy#plus I cannot love myself without it as it feels fake and performative otherwise#I don't like that I'm at the point of being afraid of a means to love myself in a coping-mechanism sort of way.#especially not if it was originally a thing to make me feel wanted that I'm now struggling to hold on to (I want this to be long term ffs)#and yet the fact that it's a problem for others shows me that people literally will not get me even when I explain everything#it's like hiding your s/o. I've already had to do that irl with my longest bf. it's why I don't like doing it with my fictional others#it's not JUST a coping mechanism it's literally my best means for a healthy relationship and I wish outside forces didn't make it difficult#real people have almost always hurt me while fictional characters never did. I do not care. I prefer the former over the latter ANY day#the only exception are those that haven't but they're very veeeeeery few. Like three fingers or something few#But oh well. Guess the only way to do that now is to keep it to myself#note btw that Sapphire is still a character built off my stil current extremely depressive state and thus won't be seen happy all that ofte#this is already pushing the line and even then I'm not comfortable still talking about stuff like this now#but between this and an extreme piece of bloody vent art I rather post this
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#vent. Like if read#I am convinced that the people I've spent the past year or so befriending do not actually like me#And like I'm mad at one of them but it's over a whole host of small things that have built up over time#And not like something really huge and significant#But I have no idea how to talk through these things. I only know how to bottle them up more#And the pressure is just building and building and idk what the hell I'm going to do#Also theres a weird sort of envy factor at play#But like I'm also in despair bc I didnt befriend people like my siblings friends who are all lovely people#And I dont know if I am delusional or something but I am pretty sure that two of the people I tried to befriend hate me#And I cant talk to it with the one friend from that group I feel like I can trust bc theyre dating the one I am upset with#And I feel like a whole world of communication occurs that I have no ear in#Bc I cannot for the life of me start a text conversation#Like I can reply to an instagram story or a tumblr post but my ability to just say things ends there#I have less trouble communicating in real life#But like I do not start text conversations and therefore no one adds me to group texts or discord servers or whatever the stupid instagram#...ersion of those things is#So I miss out on a whole sphere of communication#Like I can carry out a phone conversation just fine but like I have NO IDEA what the etiquette around phone calls is with ppl my age#Like I can just call my grandma whenever and she would be happy to talk#But I am under the impression that people my age hate phone calls and do not like to be called#And like this whole time I am entirely unsure abt what to do#And I have a couple of acquaintances/casual friends who I feel like I would be able to talk to abt most things#But for a wide variety of reasons I cant confide in them abt this particular issue.#And I think I've made my feelings abt that person worse bc I let all this tiny angers rot and fester#And didnt deal with them when they came up#And the things I was angry abt are not even things that matter especially now. Bc they were over specific projects that were in the past#But I still feel sour and angry abt them#And I have to go see these ppl tomorrow and either a) swallow my feelings some more or b) try and deal with it but risk making things worse#I like hanging out in a big group like 7-10 people bc then it's hard for ppl to pair off and leave me as a third wheel#this post will self destruct in the morning probably
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god. no one prepares you for the irritation and anger that comes when assistive devices and medical equipment actually fix your problems.
#okay to reblog#i'm in the midst of a super bad flare exacerbated by my menstrual cycle right now#and like so i'm still feeling symptoms even with the socks on but like that's because my uterus is trying to stage a coup#(ooo i hope i picked the right coup to spell... we'll hope)#like so i still can't eat right now because i'm nauseous just being Upright at all#but before i put the socks on and all day yesterday i was feeling *woozy* about it even just sitting up in bed#i feel SIGNIFICANTLY better this morning so far which means it *is* just a flare and i'm not sick or somehow dying faster than normal#but like. it still feels bad and i cannot believe how long i went through life thinking i was just randomly getting sick for a day#i knew my period took me out i didn't realize how much it was taking me out until i gained some sort of reprieve from my symptoms#and now when i take them off i Notice which makes them feel worse#and it's just like...#okay here's my inner capitalist coming out i'm working on him#but like... how many days of work did i miss how much money did i lose because my blood doesn't come back from my legs right?#how much time how many things have i missed out on because my body is like this and i didn't know it could be fixed by putting on a pair#of compression socks#i will probably have a similar breakdown when i eventually acquire a wheelchair#because i 100% need one i can see this now#and that... feels bad to say but also like relieving?#i was right i was right the whole fucking time#since i was Very Fucking Small#i don't understand why no one else saw these things as a problem until i found my new family#i don't understand why this wasn't concerning to anyone until NOW#and now i'm getting it fixed and i'm so glad i'm getting answers and getting things fixed but like#why did it take so long?#why did i waste half my life doing things the hard way? why couldn't it have been easy?#in order to be able to experience the world i cannot be standing for very long i cannot be forced to walk for long periods of time#i HAVE to be able to sit down for most of it and that is limiting and frustrating and#i am losing control over what i can do with my body and that was the ONE THING i had control over for the hardest parts of my life#it's what got me through the fucking abuse and neglect was that i knew what i could do with my body#and now i'm losing those things and it is *terrifying*
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