#I'm so sorry for using your post to vent myself too
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My father died when I was 14-ish, things with me being trans with him weren't great at all, I showed signs really early, he made me go outside and made me burn the makeshift skirts I made and pray the trans away, I was a child... I didn't have the words to express myself and say what I felt, all I said to get out of trouble is that it was just "curiosity".
He also did this thing about being stern with me, everything I did was wrong, I was weak, a cry baby, "salute with a firm hand, you're a man"...
He died by his own hand, the last person he saw was me, my mom found him after, he saw me in my bed and I looked at him, all I remember is that I didn't like his expression, that face that I interpreted as a face of disapproval at the time, maybe it was something else, but that's the signal he gave me...
Some years after his death I started to think that maybe things are better this way, I still think that, but I don't feel proud of that thought, it's just that I already suffered with my mother, my father would have been impossible, maybe I wouldn't even have a home...
I don't know how much of this is the anger of a ghost too, the how things should have been, the support that I should've had, or is it just a fucked up way to cope with trauma, to think that someone that close is better underground, dead...
My father chases ghosts.
In a moment of uncharacteristic boldness, I once questioned my father on why he treated me with such cold detachment. Why his advice only ever seemed to come in the form of lecturing, and why he never hugged me, or even said he was proud of me. His words in that moment caused the small amount of respect I had for him to shake. He told me that he saw it as the mother's role to love a child, and that it was the father's role to keep the child on the straight and narrow. After some contemplation, I decided in that moment that I disliked him, not just as a parent, but as a person.
My father doesn't have a father. He was the product of an out-of-wedlock pregnancy between an interracial couple in the 60s... My grandmother was never willing to speak about what happened to my grandfather. I can only imagine he didn't stick around long, since my father never knew him, and grew up with only his mother. And it's always been clear to me that this bothered him. The man idolizes masculinity. Maybe desperate for a father figure, he found role models in his grandfather, whose portrait still hangs in his house and which he treats with great care, and his stepfather, whose surname he took (discarding his mother's last name) and passed on to me. Supposedly, his stepfather left his mother in a matter of years, so why my father idolizes him so, I don't understand. I've never met the man.
Perhaps similarly, my father left his mother's care the second he turned 18. Having lived with my grandmother for some years when I was in college, I can honestly understand why. She is prone to smothering the people she loves. In light of that experience, it maybe becomes easier to understand why my father would prefer a more distant form of parenting. Still, I don't agree with his philosophy on gender roles.
Some years after I transitioned, I had a conversation with my father that stuck with me. He said that he actually saw himself as rather unmasculine, a possibility that had never once occurred to me. With that in mind, I suppose he is somewhat short, and not especially muscular. He told me he had always felt insecure about it. But, unlike me, he had never once considered abandoning the pursuit of masculinity entirely. Rather, in his own words, he felt he needed to chase it even harder. To live up to the image he'd set for himself. The ghost of masculinity.
A lot became clear to me in that moment. My father is obsessed with chasing ghosts of how he thinks things Should Be. My mother once told me how he had this "plan" for where he wanted to be in life at each age. He wanted to live on his own by 20. He wanted to be married by 30. He wanted children by 40. When he found out my mother was pregnant, he married her as fast as he could. My mother didn't really care, but he said they HAD to be married before the baby was born. Things had to go in the right order. According to him, that was just how things Should Be.
He was chasing the ghost of the perfect nuclear family that was denied him.
They divorced when I was eight.
In light of all this, it becomes very clear why he acted the way he did when I was younger. I wasn't how his child Should Be. No matter how many things I was diagnosed with, he never bothered looking into what neurodivergency was, or how to deal with it, and simply held me to the standards of a neurotypical child. My mother tells me that when I was six, he yelled at me in a store for wanting to try on a dress. His child being autistic was something to be ignored until it went away. His child being transgender? Forget it.
In recent years, I think my father has started giving up on me. In a good way. Seeing me become happier as my transition progresses seems to have finally convinced him that he doesn't understand what's best for me, at least somewhat. I speak to him maybe once a month. But I often mourn the idea of a father I could've been closer to. A father with whom I could have had a relationship of love, and support. A father I never had.
Maybe I'm chasing a ghost too.
#I'm so sorry for using your post to vent myself too#but things are too similar#it reminded me of a lot of things about him#i hope i don't bother
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Feeling sad and lonely? Like you don't have a purpose in life, and no one cares about you?
No more! Starting today, instead of sitting around feeling sad, try Thinking About Your Favourite Fictional Characters Sneezing!
Not sure what to do with your life? Your blorbo stifling an allergy fit!
Lonely and craving human connection? Your lil guy getting induced by a kink!partner!
The days and nights seem to move by in an ever-flowing passage of time that you're just swept along in? They have a sneezy cold and need to be taken care of!
Instead of Sad, try Sneeze instead!
[Available wherever your brain will be merciful and let you dissociate, results may vary, use with caution, side effects may include: h*rny thoughts, snz headcanons, craving more canon snz, and the eventual & inevitable loneliness returning as you realize they are still fictional]
#this might be one of the stupidest things i have ever made/posted LMAO#but i am having! a rough night! the Lonely :tm: [so m/agnuscore of me <3] been hitting hard#some memories were poppin up i don't really! want!#and been feeling particularly alone lately sooooo! channeling all my energy into thinking about my lil guys#and! thus! this stupid ass post was born dajhsiklfgjnmjak-#i found it really funny just in of myself and it's a way to Cope with how lonely i am currently feeling so!!!!#maybe someone else will enjoy it too <3 but if not!!! then it is just for me and that is okay as well <3#could really use a hug tonight~ will be okay but yeah uh- seeing your friends preparing to have their life together#while you are feeling more alone than you've felt in years- well! it does somethin to a person <3#if anyone reads these tags thank you and also i'm sorry for the lil mini vent <3#i will be okay i promise i am just. not okay yet <3#anyways gonna stop being sad in tags and post this insane thing that ive created
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omg guys proshipper isn't "basic dni criteria", like that list is supposed to represent actual irl issues(*), not some 2020 internet discourse. you guys are so annoying like if you're uncomfortable interacting with proshippers i understand and respect it, although you probably have a very twisted idea of what the word means (would make a separate post abt it but there are hundreds already). but please don't equate it to actual crimes. (*)also do you seriously think that a bigot troll is going to read your dni and be magically expelled from your strong aura. if anything it's going to make them want to harass you more. it's obvious that those lists are just a pose like "if i don't put racists dni they're gonna think i'm racist" NO aaagh you don't have to over-specify(?) everything about you when interacting online can we please go back to being normal istg. reject modernity embrace not writing a dni list and just blocking people like a normal person <3
#tsun.txt#also ppl who write all their triggers and traumas are you fr that too is going to make it easier for trolls to harass you#children need to learn basic internet safety etc etc#i needed to vent bc i've been on toyhouse and i'm SO tired of everyone using the “warning” tab for fucking dni's#come and block me yourself bitch. the warning is supposed to be info about what could trigger ME.#BRO i just remembered once i was looking at the artists that were going to attend a con and one of them had fucking proship dni in their bi#like IMAGINE limiting your sales bc you care about what other people like to read?? i'm going to put fucking. idk. team kira dni.#also i sometimes go to cons as an artist too. imagine if i got placed next to that person#what do they want me to do? them: “hey can you move your chair a little” me: ignoring them bc i read their dni#it's INSANE#not @ me being paranoid abt ppl cancelling me for this post despite having like +300 blocked accounts#but i'm coming out (?) as a non-harasser. like i don't even use the word profiction. i'd rather call myself normal.#i sound like those people who're like my pronouns are nor/mal but FR this used to be the norm in fandoms *sob*#also ppl online are limiting their interactions for not wanting me to reblog their art but okay#in MY case i'm hella limiting my interactions for not wanting to be harassed. we're not the same.#i be like why does this have so few notes *has half the fandom blocked*#and ppl probably wouldn't even notice bc most of what i post is wholesome but then i write textposts like this. better safe than sorry#discourse
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♡♥︎ STANDING NEXT TO YOU ♥︎♡
A/n: Yall ... when you meet the guy that voices THE Sung Jinwoo, your admiration and affection becomes a full blown one sided infatuation that leaves you all messed up inside. So writing really helps vent out those entangled emotions. And I know for a fact I'm not the only one that does this so no shaming down below yall pls n thnx.
Pairing: 25 yr old Sung Jinwoo x 27 yr old Fem!Reader
CW: 21+ MATURE CONTENT INVOLVED. Outdoor smut, some degradation, possessiveness, established relationship, and use of Korean terms.
DON'T REPOST, TRANSLATE, PLAGARIZE, COPY, EDIT MY FANFIC WORK. RATHER REBLOG LIKE AND FOLLOW PLS N THNX.
Sorry for the late post but HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY~!

Nae Sarang — my love
Bogo Sipeun — Miss you
Jagi – baby or sweetie between couples
Sarangkkun — a lover or someone affectionate
Banjjak – other half/significant other
Naui Haneul — my sky/someone who encompasses your world
Naui Bit – my light/clarity and joy
Naui Cheonguk – my heaven/make life blissful
Gijeok – miracle in your life
The dipping weight beside you on the bed stirs you up slightly.
Velvety lips decorating your face helped pull you along further.
The low purring lull of your name in your ear by that oh so familiar voice got your heart aching, racing, seeking solace in that comfort. Enough to where you hummed as your tired eyes opened to the shadows with daylight sneaking in through the gap of your dark curtains, highlighting the pair of amorous light grey gazing intensely at you from above.
“Good morning, nae sarang.”
That encompassing form of Sung Jinwoo melted against your smaller form, submerging you in the faint scent of his earthy smoky cologne ingrained in his clothes. Your hands paw at his back, serving as an anchor to help pull you both closer.
“Bogo sipeun.” You murmur against his addicting lips, feeling him smiling, hearing his deep hum, when his elbows were sinking deep on both sides of your pillow, weaving those lithe fingers through your hair, cradling your noggin as the new tilted angle gave him the chance for his tongue to dip right on in. The creamy taste of coffee filled your mouth, bringing pleased hums at the forefront.
“You're learning well.” He crooned. Your Korean was still a work in progress, yet your cheeks burned deliciously nonetheless, earning you tender pecks to both of them when he finally pulled away. “I made you breakfast.”
He patiently waited for you to sit up enough before he carefully set down the loaded tray from your nightstand to your lap, all your favorites presented pristinely. “I'm supposed to be gift giving today, not the other way around.” You murmured, rubbing your eyes, when his sneaky suckling mouth latched onto your neck, making you giggle at the ticklish sensation.
“I know … but worshipping you is my year long holiday.” He grinned seeing the nice mark he left on your skin. “Now, would you rather I feed you myself? Because we have a long day planned out.”
You grabbed his scarred left hand, nuzzling your cheek along his warm rough palm, smittently smooching all over those permanent burn marks, cradling that weary damaged hand as an extension of your lifeline to the man before you.
His thumb instinctively brushed your bottom lip, when those e/c eyes fluttered up in that entranced sense that spurned his inner beast on. “What do you think, sarangkkun~?”
The many glowing violet eyes of the Shadow army widened from the trembles coming their way as their master growled hungrily against your neck, leaving a possessive bite on your collarbone, you squeezing his scarred hand sending a jolt of painful pleasure through his limb.
“Careful jagi. Come tonight … I'll make sure we both have our fill … I promise you~”
Despite those words full of dark anticipation, you were astounded at how you were able to eat after that. Then again, feeling his burnt hand brushing your skin as it cupped your cheek felt too nice to let go of, your pretty flustered face locked onto his calm, smiling one that wouldn't let up on giving you butterflies, your heart pounding in painful pleasure itself.
After that, freshening up and getting dressed for the day felt like quite the tizzy with the enriching laugh he left you with as he took the emptied tray to wash, still rattling in your eardrums.
A day out in the bustling Korean city awaited you.
Many eyes on you, full of couples and singles mesmerized by the presence of the 10th S ranked hunter in the country walking through the decorated streets, displays of hearts and flowers keeping the theme of the worldwide holiday apparent to all. His arm hugged around your waist with his gloved hand squeezing your hip tightly, face neutral but senses alert in case anyone dares try anything, hence him claiming you for all to see. Your hand overlayed his own, squeezing him gently released his tensed nerves, if only for a reprieve.
However, aside from the usual fan greetings and words of thanks for all his hard work as a hunter protecting their country, it was smooth sailing.
While the norm was chocolate gift giving, you were given a shopping spree. Your attempts at refuting such a generous offer was silenced by Jinwoo's many insistent kisses.
“You're impossible.” Your mumbling recession at just going along with it as you spun about in oh so many new clothes that caught your eyes, fashionable and comfy, as he lounged in the cozy waiting chair with crossed legs, reminding you of the sight of the Monarch posed in his throne, infatuated with the sight of you getting more lovely with every outfit you tried on.
“And you're breathtaking. Remember that.”
“I still can't help but feel deep down that I don't deserve any of this. That you chose me out of everyone else … even someone of your age like Cha Hae-In.” Twiddling with your hands did little to push down the doubts.
Humming deeply, he squeezed your shoulders supportively, startling you right out of your skin. “Age is just a number, though.”
His chin rested atop your head, stubbornness reflected back at you from the body length mirror in the private dressing room, wolfishly grinning.
“You're more than enough for me. You've always been."
Your docile face turned around enough, angling just right to land an appreciative peck on his cheek; your newly bought lipstick decorating his cheek, crinkling as he chuckled.
Anxious awkward nerves rattled you as you two ate out next. The high class restaurant overlooking the buzzing plaza, the late afternoon highlighting the city skyline and beyond. His other, bare hand squeezed your other hand across the table, reminding you you weren't alone.
“Sorry. You went to the trouble of booking this place for us and I'm dampening the mood.”
“Don't be. I know being out and about is a lot for you to take in. If you want, we can go someplace less … grand.”
“No. I want to stay. We have the place to ourselves after all, my gijeok.”
You gasp at seeing him pull something hidden away in his shadow, presenting a bouquet of variety flowers to you with that charming smile of his. “For you, naui bit.”
Accepting the flowers with gratitude, his foot slyly brushing yours had you biting your lip, his silver eyes darkening at the display. Your bashful return of it had you two playing footsie underneath the clothed table, your nerves settling down as you clink your filled glasses in a toast, drinking before settling in for your late lunch meal. And yes, you ordered more than enough to have leftovers for later.
Any and every gaze sent your way from any passerby after was overpowered by the penetrating stare, scent and strength of the strapping man claimed as yours.
The rare chance you had while traversing through the busy market was when Jinwoo was sought out by some kids turned fans of his, able to slip away to buy from a booth selling velvet boxes and bags filled with your intended gift to him from the start.
The curious raised brow look thrown your way when you returned to his side had your insides doing flips, but he stayed silent, his arm returning to pin you right by his side.
However, the moment he led you both back to his parked car and got in with your bags, his very shadow engulfed you both, clinging onto him from impulse at this twist.
The whipping airs of the chilling darkness dissipate as fast as they appeared when you arrived at a new destination.
Whether it was an actual spot in the real world or you were in another reality altogether, you were speechless, getting out of the car to take in the view. The outdoor pool of shimmering waters teeming with such a mana esque aura mesmerized you at first sight. The surrounding flora and fauna were all in cool shades of violets. The full moon rays casting its highlights among the shadows.
“I recently discovered this place during my travels. Figured it'd be a nice final stop for today. Think of it like our own personal mineral bath. The healing properties are quite rejuvenating. Can't do much for this hand, though.” Him flexing said covered limb with gloom overtaking his face at the sheer memory of it.
Being the one to give his hand a reassuring squeeze brought a tint of pink to his cheeks. “Well, I love your hands, scars and all.” Your honest open emotion made the rest of his restraint finally crumble.
His hands enveloped your frame immediately, easily stripping you out of your attire, the merging of blue and purple mana undoing his own apparel for him, as he laid an onslaught right into your welcoming caverns.
Above and below.
Your senses heighten as the waters seeped into your body, bringing forth your desire in such palpable degrees. Tongues clash, sloppy smacking of lips devouring one another, and hands exploring as he leads you two into the sparkling oasis.
He leaned back against the edge of the lake, weaving a handful of your hair through his fingertips all to keep a grip, arrogantly admiring the view of you straddling his lap while making out with his pecs, practically chewing on them, teething on his perked up nipples, dragging his quavering groans and sighs right outta him, pride swelling within at you claiming him as yours. Your tongue scorched down to his six pack before giving them the same special treatment, his firm muscles flexing from how your sweet mouth created goosebumps along his canvas.
Tugging your hair insistently, you get smothered by his all encompassing mouth, easily lifting you up with one arm underneath your thighs just to get you hugging his slim waistline, raising you high, the moon casting you in its lunar blessing, crafting your vulnerable beauty to be Jinwoo's alone to cherish and ravish. The magic infused waters serve as a lubricant, luck working in his favor to have his veiny thickness getting slowly but surely into your already gushing gummy walls.
“Naui Cheonguk~” He moaned in the crook of your neck, greedy hickeys decorating your skin from your neck to your shoulder blades. Scratching his undercut had him rutting more feverishly, devouring your velvety boobs next.
Your wind swept head craned back, trained on the galaxy of stars painting the midnight sky, believing this place to be paradise itself, scorching rapture unraveling your very core brought forth by the marbled crafted adonis thrusting vigorously into your womb from below. “Naui Haneul … all mine.” His hefty pants hit your swollen marked breasts jiggling right in his face before suckling them like the starving animal that he is.
“Your cunt is sheer bliss. You relish being my cocksleeve, don't you? My touch starved whore? Filled to the brim, clenching on tightly, as I stuff up your needy quivering hole. Your horny cries won't let you deny it. Tell me, does your pussy love being on my cock?” Those half lidded eyes looked up at you, his nose nestled in the valley between your mounds, that all consuming gaze of his had you squirting harder along his shaft.
“Mmmh yes~! S – nngh – so m – aaah – so much~!”
“So sexually deprived, so touch starved, that you genuinely questioned if you were worthy to be by my side.” His hand fondled and smacked your rumbling peachy cheeks, leaving a faint handprint along one, thriving off your sharp moans as he fingered you between those cheeks in tune with his spread ravishing your insides upfront. “When these– aah – past few months – mmmh – have been – nngh – utter bliss~” His canine teeth pearly smiled up at you, licking those swollen lips. “I'll never let you go.”
His primal ferocity clashed with his sense of speaking through the electric rush coursing through his mana filled veins; literally popping out along those flexing biceps of his.
“Y/n … my wicked angel … you're mine.” That heavy, gruff tone his voice became, the predatory glare of those glowing blue irises had you clutching unbearably so. Raising you until only his tip stayed within, bringing you back down to take him in full.
“I love you, Jinwoo~! All of you~!” Your watered up eyes spilling trails of hot tears down that flushed face he adored so much had him kissing those tears away, licking away that salty goodness.
“Then come for me, love. ARISE.”
That word, in that deep low resonance, would make anyone bust hard. It reverberated straight to your bundle of nerves, clawing his back deeply, crashing down in blinding euphoria.
The white hot seige of his seed flooded through your gates straight after, his well endowed balls slapping you feverishly, unloading all that he had, his strangled moan cuffed to your breathless shrill cry. Rutting up savagely to chase that high with you, cum encircled his shaft, as streams of your juices spilled down your spasming thighs and his sturdy ones.
Yet one orgasmic rush wouldn't be enough to satiate the second Shadow Monarch, the absence of him through your folds, the rush of hot air giving you whiplash, as he got your upper body sinking in stomach first along the earth like ground, your fanny waving in the air, now filling your asshole to the brim with his coated schlong, the new angle got you mewling madly. The nasty squelching sounds he pounded into you stirred him back to semi erectness.
Clawing at the grass, leaving indents in the ground, arching your back against his soaked chest, his arm hugged your squirming waistline. His scarred hand abusingly rubbed your neglected clit, fisting right into your sensitively pulsing cunt, his other hand grasped your neck to force you to look right at his gorgeous, groaning self.
“I'll spend every waking moment, in this lifetime and the next, until you can feel and think of nothing else but my profound devotion to you, banjjak~” He was so damn close to edging over again.
Your orgasmic yell busted all over his jacked forearm, the trigger to him following suit, pulling right outta you just to witness himself ejaculating all over your backside.
Collapsing carefully and slowly atop you, these heaving bodies took their time to finally catch a breath, his hand releasing your neck to clasp your shoulder, your own face buried in your arms to rest if only in those moments.
His cream covered hand pulled out to your whining dismay. Tilting your head back, you obscenely watch him lewdly licking it clean, drops of semen dotting your drooling face with your tongue sticking out shamelessly. Another sloppy shower of smooches to clean up that breathtaking face of yours.
Igris, Iron, Tank and even Tusk were bashfully averting their eyes the whole time, laying out blankets for you two to sit upon, some to help clean you up, and others to drape yourselves in, before returning to their inky domain.
Helping you both out of the soiled waters, you sat on the already laid out blanket as Jinwoo cleaned you both up gingerly, tossing the soiled cloth aside then wrapped a new clean blanket big enough to cover you both, sharing body heat to battle the cool breeze arriving.
“So,” A mini shadow creature popped out from the side to deliver your bought gift straight to Jinwoo's awaiting hand, slinking back to join its comrades. “How's about sharing this with me, you sneaky little minx~?”
The next half hour was spent in each other’s arms, feeding each other chocolate covered strawberries one at a time, resting your head against his shoulder, taking in the sounds of crickets and cicadas, relaxing in the calm night, exchanging cocoa berry tasting kisses.
“I love you too, Y/n. More than anything. I'm honored to be standing next to you.”
It would be another half hour until you two would dress back up and return to your plane of reality, straight to your shared abode to spend the rest of the night into the following morning conked out in bed.
For now, this is how you spend your Valentine's Day.
Together.
#solo leveling x reader#solo leveling x you#solo leveling x y/n#solo leveling spoilers#solo leveling#ore dake level up na ken#jinwoo sung x reader#sung jin woo x reader#sung jinwoo x reader#sung jin woo smut#sung jinwoo x y/n#solo leveling au#solo leveling smut#jinwoo sung x you#jinwoo sung x y/n#sung jinwoo smut#valentines day#valentine fic#tw smut#cw smut#fluff and romance#fluff and smut#fluff and feels#fluff and spice#valentines aesthetic#older reader#established relationship#self indulgent#anime x reader#reader x character
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Sorry for leaving this in your inbox, but I need to vent and ask for advice in a place where people won't mock me. What do you do when sex is super difficult because of your fat? I've recently gotten into my first relationship and. I thought I had a handle on my internalized fatphobia and self hate but this has made it worse than ever. We can't have satisfying penetrative sex (we've tried all the tips and workarounds. Nothing works. I'm larger than most of the FA community.), and recieving oral sex is also difficult for me. I also get tired and sweaty extremely quickly if I have to like hold up myself on mostly my arms or something, so he has to do most of the work. So sex is just. Mostly the one that works on repeat, and we don't have it very often because it isn't that fun for either of us, and it also makes me cry afterwards sometimes because of how disappointing it is & me beating myself up over it.
I'm genuinely worried my boyfriend is going to leave me for this. He's clearly very frustrated with the situation, even though he tries to be nice about it most of the time. Earlier today I tried to like be flirty and hint at stuff and he just. got a bit sad. and then said that clearly neither of us enjoy the sex we're having and that he has a lot of trouble staying hard.and that he doesn't see the point when we're both forcing it for no reason. I think he's going to break up with me soon. His ex is way lighter than me, so he's probably comparing the normal sex he had with her with whatever the fuck this abnormal shitshow is :/
All the work I've done on myself to be happy with being fat (including working up the courage to date, what a mistake that was lmao) is all gone. This has ruined my self-esteem so much. I feel like one of those fatphobic jokes but a person.
first and foremost, please try your best to remember this: your body is not the problem. one more time. your body is not the problem. I'm so very sorry you're concerned that your boyfriend would leave you over this. it sounds like he has a lot of preconceived ideas about how sex is supposed to go. I promise you that it doesn't have to be this way. if this is something that could really end the relationship, know that this person is not compatible or open to exploring your needs, rather than your needs being "too difficult." I promise it's him, not you. I know folks who are 600+ pounds who have excellent sex lives and partners who satisfy them and enjoy satisfying them. when someone starts treating your pleasure like a chore, that's just shitty. I know how much it hurts. it also does damage to your own openness to pleasure. when you're caught up in feeling like sex/your body is something that needs to be "fixed," nothing is going to feel sexy, because all that pressure puts stress on and takes you out of the mental state where you're able to experience pleasure. does that make sense? so many couples get stuck in this cycle.
there are so many ways to engage in pleasure without penetration or orgasm. there's a lot that goes into foreplay, setting a mood, making your partner feel appreciated and attractive. words and touch play a huge part in this. something as simple as exploring each other's bodies, not with the intention of reaching climax, but simply to be vulnerable and engage each others' senses. have your partner give you a massage. play with your hair. tickle your back with a feather. shower together. kiss you. compliment you. if either of you are into any kinks or dirty talk, that could be a great way to engage each other sexually without the pressure of "achieving" a goal. the goal here is just to feel good, close, and connected. societal messaging about sex has placed so much importance on orgasm instead of pleasure - when taking the time and space to relax and receive attention, is key.
feel free to check out my other posts on fat sex ed, there's lots of assistive toys that can make pleasure more accessible, but I think that should be a tool for later, since the biggest issue here is the pressure to perform. know that pleasurable sex can exist for you! but for now, I would recommend taking a break from sex altogether since it is not pleasurable for you right now. because pleasure is the whole point. forcing it is only going to feel worse. you do not owe it to your boyfriend, especially if it doesn't feel good and is taking an emotional toll. I hope you both are able to take a step back, reassess and communicate, and are able to reconnect and create a safe space to explore.
I understand why you're beating yourself up over this, I've been there too. but also know that it's just another societal standard that's been internalized (and it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is helping). like you said, you've done a lot to unlearn fatphobia. there's a lot of internalized beliefs we absorb from society surrounding sex, just like body image. I promise that there is nothing wrong with you. If your boyfriend takes his frustration out on you instead of making you feel safe to express your needs, then he's not a supportive partner. you deserve someone who takes delight in your pleasure and your body. believe me, we're out there.
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so my dad is a white anti-civ post leftist anarchist, he used to be really into primitivism but isn't anymore. He brought myself and my sister up with a lot of white anthropology and north American indigenous texts, but completely neglected the indigenous cultures of our own lands (which, incidentally, my sister and I are indigenous to). That kind of deal. Anyway I really resonate with that piece critiquing primitivism talking about people roleplaying in the woods, because that was my experience growing up lol. With all that said, this man is driving me up the fucking wall lately. He's theoretically trans positive but his cynicism about identity politics means he's gotten caught up in TERF narratives and he's critical of "trans activists" on Twitter without having actually been there, and he's now referring to "trans ideology". Needless to say im finding it exhausting and annoying (I'm trans) and he has this like "we should be able to have these conversations without people getting labelled transphobes" kind of attitude and I just feel like I'm being funneled into an intellectual playing field that I do not want to have to engage with because I'm like I too am critical of things you're talking about dad but the way you're doing it is driving me batty. Anyway I guess this is a vent but if you do have any perspective that would be cool.
I'm really sorry you're going through that, I recommend a couple readings:
The Child and Its Enemies
Not Your Mom's Trans 101
Queering Anarchism
Philosophical Anti-Essentialism
Gender Nihilism
What is Gender Nihilism
This should hold you over, godspeed comrade
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My experience and my "blockages" that are not blockages
Sorry guys but i wanted to do this post again bcs the last time i did it quickly and without putting too much thoughts into it. I'm sorry for the ones who reposted, gave me like and commented but i'll eliminate that post. So sorry 😭
Alright guys, I wanted to make this post about my experience with shifting in general and what "problems" i'm facing now. I'm doing it bcs i will try to find a solution here so if someone have the same problems can get those tips. ALSO. if you have the same problems and just wanna vent/talk, you can comment or dm (whenever you want).
Basically, I started wanting to shift in September of 2023, and I still wasn't really conscious of what shifting was or how much it was real. (Let's say I didn't script out the getting hurt, and I was fine with killing 😭, don't let me even talk about it..). Fortunately I start getting to the shiftok before even trying to shift and i get into this video of that girl that explained why you shouldn't kill/shift in dangerous dr (I don't like her and I honestly don't agree besides the killing but there it was necessary and i'm glad I saw her).
For that video i start swallow in guilty just for thinking about it and I didn't want to change my bsd dr so much, I felt guilty for not wanting to script out other characters traumas so I start giving myself traumas (like not scripting out i can't get hurt and strange events). And it didn't go well at first. I used to wake up in the morning (after "trying" to shift) breathing envy, scared, terrified and with the only thought of talking to my friend (the one who was a shifter but was strange abt it and end up downplay shifting to "something more" than lucid dreaming after literally shifting).
Then I get it, fortunately. YOU CHOSE WHERE YOU GO. you can go to the most fucked up Dr and you can still be the only one that doesn't get hurt. Is not your fault if the people there suffered from traumas. And it's not your fault for wanting to experience that kind of realities. It's fine to add silly stuffs even if is a dangerous dr or whatever. YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
1. Past
i'm not someone to care abt the past, but it's true that how we feels abt things is bcs of past. Like if you watch a film as kid and you cried abt it bcs of a scene ofc you'll fell weird about re-watching it even at older age. The same is for me abt shifting. Every time i see someone say "it's lucid dreaming" i got flashbacks abt my friend who downplayed shifting to thatml. About how much it hurted and all.. but guess what? you can change what you feel abt thing. Like do you remember abt that film that made you cry? now you got courage to watch it again. And you get that that scene wasn't so bad, actually it was so cool, the animation was peak and the dub too. Do the same with shifting. Why that comment from my friend hurted? bcs i trusted her and I made the mistake to put my belief in her experiences. Now i look back at it and I see our friendship, our good moments that existed. How she always been weird abt shifting, how is probably just misinformation fault, how it can be 10000 different motivation for her to giving up, how shifting could still come back to her and it doesn't hurt so much anymore.
2. My feelings
Yeah, we all hate when we're sad and I feared it could stop me from shifting. Well it can't? but it can me not wanting to shift. And it's fine, we're human..i don't have to want to shift 24/7, and i can manifest to want it or stop feeling sad if i want. It's fine to have feelings, you just have to get those are not why you're not shifting.
3. Guilty
i defend ppl who shift for bad ppl, who race change, who do x, y and z. but me? why i can't defend myself? why i just start feeling guilty? I'm not worth less..Then why? That's bcs the only one who is judging me is me. No one else. Just yourself can judge you. Guilty is a feeling like the one before, and as them it's fine to feel it. Don't make it stop from making your decision. You and your subconscious know what is better for yourself.
4. Growing up
i got the strange feeling that once i grow up i have to give up on shifting, for my adult life, responsability or for others to push it bcs is "childish". But guess what? there are shifter from any age. from 9 to 80. Age is not a problem. You don't have to lose yourself just bcs you grow up, and you won't.
5. What in the future
what should I do with those knowledge? shift forever? being immortal? what if one of my dr go to the end point? it won't be sad? sure it will..but that is a future problem. Stay in the present. Also by shifting you can do ANYTHING you can re-live your life for inifnite times if you want, you can shift again and again and again. Or dying. Is not a problem.
6. i'm sensitive
it's not a problem ofc, but i'm scared that this could make anti-shifters comments get under my skin. Make me feel bad or things like that. But in the end i know they don't matter and ppl who are rude are not worth of my time or concern. Just keep going, bcs what else could we do? time doesn't stop for us and we ALWAYS find a way out of things. And that also in a "brain" sense, our brain is not dumb. It always go out from problem, even trauma guys. Also by manifestation everything is possible.
7. Talking with everyone abt it
is not a problem or a blockage (I call this post like that just bcs i didn't find a better name) but I feel kind of sad i can't talk abt it with everyone? but guess what? you can. You're just worried abt the reaction and that's what stop you. And it's your choice, you can manifest, you can get that is fine that not everyone know everything abt you or you can get rid of closed minded ppl. All you have to do is deciding (just like in shifting).
8. Alone
yes the feeling alone is so real, your journey is extremely personal. But guess what? THERE ARE PPL WHO CAN GENUINELY UNDERSTAND EVERYONE. those ppl have high emphaty and they can get you. In the end you have to do everything alone in shifting is true. But having friends can make you not feeling alone, and make you understand that shifting is not alone, is "solitaire".
9. Giving up
ofc is scary, but why would you be at this point if you wanna give up? and in the end I know that i WON'T give up. Not matter what. i always come back to shifting bcs is a win or win situation. It made me love lives, it gives me infinite possibilities and it can be used in ANY way. Never worry abt this. Also you can manifest.
10. Personal things
For example i can't stay without doing something. So ofc in my shifting attempts at least I have to do something (like daydream and all) and is not like is wrong or a problem. But some personal things can make you stress. Like if you insicure by nature, it can affect your shifting but that DOESN'T stop you..it just can be tiring. And i love how shifting can make you grow up as person and make you enjoy life, solve problems, asking for help and all..
11. i'm happy here but still i claim more.
Ofc even if your happy here shifting is beautiful. i'm happier here with my life but that doesn't mean that i can't want to shift, permashift or anything. Shifting can be even just an hobby (the best hobby ever i suppose) and there's nothing wrong. No you're not strange bcs even if you're happy here you claim more or you want to permashift. No you're not strange bcs you feel like dying when your doubts make you believe that maybe shifting is fake. It's normal..it's part of journey and one day you'll laugh about all those doubts.
12. I wanna be healty abt it.
But how can i? shifting has no morals. Is like nature..is something that all living things can do, it has no morals at all. And what being healthy even means? is not thinking abt it every day? but what if i think it in a positive way? is not trying every day? but what if i still enjoy life? the answer is the same. Is what you want it to be. Shifting is healthy no matter what, if you feel like your relationship with shifting is toxic is never bcs of shifting itself. Is something (like insicure, being in a spiral of desperation, "i'll die if i don't shift" ecc..) you have to understand and shifting is just trying to make you understand it.
13. Feeling out of community
Some things that are in the community are not for me. It's fine ofc. But it can make you feel left out. Like the whole "just pretend you shifting" i mean ofc i can. But i still have a life here i wanna live. And is not like i'll cry if i don't shift. Or "that's why you didn't shift.." why ppl make those post? two post ago you said we can just fin by ourselves the answers and now you make this? you're just making ppl believe or discovering new problems that they don't have (ofc i don't talk abt those post that do it just for informations, i mean more ppl who said it like they know more than us ourselves). Also for example is not for me getting into 282882 spiritual things. i'm not saying i don't believe them bit for now I just wanna shift..no astral projection, no witchcraft, no obe (that is not shifting). Just shift.
14. Getting crazy?
i was scary to get crazy, like idk even why? like that i end up in spiral of craziness and desperation for shifting bur is lowkey impossible? you literally can manifest and WHY SHOULD I GET CRAZY? for traumas? just manifest i don't have them? for failing? you can't fail shifting? for x, y, z? NO. it's not possible. You won't get crazy for something like that. Sure shifting is a crazy concept (for ppl of this reality at least) but that doesn't mean you'll get crazy 😭
15. Seeing shifting in everything
Like it's annoying. Sure is good if you see it in positive things but is not if you see it in bad things. Like everytime i see someone give hate to religions i feel target even if shifting IS NOT a religion. Or when they shame cults when shifting IS NOT a cult (and shame cults is like..right? if they're bad). Or when someone say a poetic phrase that cannot applicate to shifting. That doesn't mean they don't believe in shifting. If there is a thing I know is that NOTHING applies to EVERYTHING. what works for someone doesn't for someone else. what something matter for x thing, doesn't for y thing and is OKAY. the same with shifting and all it comprehends (like journey ecc..).
As I said before most of this problems disappears in the morning. Idk why i get that at night, probably because I convinced myself is like that. So the solution is just manifest and i'm doing it. I just wanted to talk and try to be helpful to someone (and maybe make friends with the same problems so we can give each other tips). Every problem can be fought don't worry too much.
Hopes it helps someone! BYEE! :)
#loa blog#loa tumblr#loablr#loassblog#loassumption#reality shifting#shiftblr#shifters#shifting blog#shifting community#desired reality
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i live in the south, and i used to follow someone on here who lives in the same state as me, who i thought would've understood how difficult things are for marginalized people who live in red states and why we needed harris to win. but they kept reblogging posts about how both parties are the same and anyone who votes for harris is voting for genocide (as if letting trump win was going to be any better?? he's just started talking about wanting to "clean out the whole thing" and forcibly displace all remaining palestinians by making them move to jordan and egypt, an idea which every group who would be affected hates 🙄). i kept hoping they'd finally realize the very obvious fact that contributing to trump's win wasn't going to make things better for any decent person in the world but the last straw for me was when they posted something like "well i was going to go vote for [fictional character] but the line was too long so i just went home haha!!" i blocked them right after that, and now of course trump is in office and things are going to get so much worse for me and for them as those of us in red states have so much less of a chance to push back against our local governments and all of the bigots who voted for trump will feel more emboldened by his win. so yeah, i share your small fantasy that people like that will wake up and realize they were wrong for spreading these ideas. sorry for venting in your inbox though lol, you don't have to reply to this if you don't want to!
One of my best friends in politics is from Louisiana. He's gay and when he came out his parents sent him to a pray the gay away camp where... really horrible shit happened. And I think about that skinny kid coming out of just the most horrible shit imaginable and being a Freshman in college working his ass off for a Red State Democratic Senator, Mary Landrieu, Mary didn't win, but he worked SO hard for her. And we met working on Hillary's campaign together, boy has bad luck with Democratic women running for office.
Any ways the point is, I love red state Dems, I really do. My friend really loved John Bel Edwards, now I don't think either of us really fully agreed with Edwards, I know my friend was as feminist as a gay boy can be and believed in the right to an abortion totally, Edwards was/is one of the rare pro-life Democrats. But my friend understood, a Democratic governor would protect more people's rights, do more for the poor and the disadvantaged. Edwards' signed an order day one in office banning LGBT discrimination in the state government, when a Republican took over 8 years later, day one, threw that order out, a lot like Trump undoing all the pro-LGBT orders Biden did and rolling back trans rights/access to federal documents that came about under President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
I think thats the thing, in Red States and in America at large we share this big country with a lot of people most of whom are more conservative than I am, so how do I get as much of what I want as I can? Do I vote Mickey Mouse for President? no I vote for the candidate that will do the most good, I won't always agree with them, I don't agree with myself most of the time.
idk it's not... theoretical to me? I'm likely not writing my best work here but when it comes to voting I think about all the people in my life who needed help, if they got it or not, and the ways they were left behind or would have been life behind and all the kids out there, queer kids trans kids, the poor always the poor kids, you know and the loss they'll suffer because of 4 years of a Republican President. And yes Trump is a VERY bad Republican President but if we ever get to some future after him there will come a time where maybe a bland centrist Democrat will run against a business focused Republican, Bush V Gore? and people will say "oh there's no difference" and there is.
oh also I want to say, the little old ladies, the normie "cringe lib" wine moms and grandmas (and yes dads and granddads, but more women then men tbh) who struggle with a grand-nephews pronouns did more for trans rights by going out knocking doors for Harris one weekend, then shitty leftist posters (trans and not) who endlessly attacked Dems and voting.
any ways I'm sorry all this is happening, idk what state you're in or how bad it is or will be. I don't have easy answers for living through this long night of the soul. As Thomas Paine put it all those years ago "These are the times that try men's souls: The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of his country; but he that stands it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman." it is trying my soul, but I will endure as we all must endure, we can not give up we cannot fail, we cannot allow ourselves to be ground down by fascists, and by their handmaids who act as if they're on our side, I hope everyone is looking to what they can do, and what the next chance they have to fight back and take back political power is.
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I hope this ask isn't too much of a downer, though it feels like I'm just venting. Your posts fill me with such a yearning and longing for something that I feel like I can never have - a real connection to other trans women. Physical closeness, hugs, laughing and crying together and sharing experiences and...just feeling seen and found in a way that I believe only trans women can give each other. It's such a beautiful thing that I wish I could experience too, I just don't know how. I'm very much a hermit and my social anxiety keeps me inside most days. Part of me is also afraid of getting hurt again due to past experiences. I have a tendency to either open myself up too much, or not at all. I'm sorry for all this rambling, but I also wanted to thank you again for everything you post here. It gives me something to want and hope for.
I feel the same way—you’re not alone in this. There are so many of us walking this path too, quietly brave in our own ways. And trust me, in time, you’ll find your people—the ones who see you, truly. Just keep holding on, keep being you… it really does get better. I promise.
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Can I poke the bear for a moment and get angry? Because I'm seeing "posting as activism" more and more in fandom spaces, and tonight I saw a post that made me lose it.
There is a post about (current events) going around that says, "full offense, but in this time, your own comfort doesn't fucking matter, you should be uncomfortable about things that are happening, and I hope you can fucking live with yourselves if you are quiet. It takes five seconds to retweet or reblog, fuck your aesthetic, fuck your anything aesthetic."
And my god. How dare they.
Yes, there is severely fucked up shit happening. Yes, people should be aware that people are being killed. Yes, there are people who are just shrugging about it and pissing off. But how does reblogging a post certify someone as Good or Bad? How does this person know that someone hasn't already helped out meaningfully in some way, or is still helping out, but on other websites? How does this person know that someone isn't barely holding on by the skin of their teeth, and they would have a mental breakdown if they got closer to any more stressful things?
I know a multitude of people, including myself, who have recently either needed to call lines, check into facilities, move back in with their parents, or go on medication because of how insane things have become in their own lives. How does this person not understand that blogging; being on tumblr; engaging in fandom, having a small space that someone can control in its entirety, is a reprieve for people who are already at their wit's end outside of that space? And that's okay.
(We are not doing the relative privation shit in this house. I refuse to entertain that.)
Ironically, by insisting that people participate in sharing posts when they're already stressed and exhausted, that's a surefire way to make their problems worse, and potentially prevent them from acting helpfully in the future because suddenly, their exhaustion turns into full-blown burnout. That's how it works. Professionals tell you to dial things back if you are too overwhelmed. There is a reason for that. There is a limit to how much people can mentally process and handle. Compassion fatigue exists. For a lot of us, we are already at our limit. We need space to relax, and not have arbitrary obligations thrown on us. That is not our fault, it is not a character flaw, it does not mean we are bad people. And just because horrific things are happening elsewhere, it does not mean we can, or should, stop taking care of ourselves first. Yes, it feels shitty to think, "you know what, I can't reblog this". You bet your ass that I and my friends feel guilty about not being able to engage as much as we think we should, but that is how it goes. I can put my head underwater for a bit. But I cannot keep my head underwater forever. I will drown.
Not to mention the obvious part: guilt-tripping people to the extent of implying they are somehow contributing to genocide, just because they won't reblog a post, and implying they should not be able to live with themselves if they do that, is beyond revolting.
I am angry, and I am not sorry.
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So many of those kinds of posts—and they turn up during every set of horrific real world events—sound like people who are in a country far away from the events, diaspora at most but probably just randos, venting their impotent rage because it's the only way they can feel productive in a situation where nothing they can do is productive.
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Hello, Forgive me for this sudden question, I hope it is appropriate. I think you might have some experience.
Straight to the point, I would like to know how you (how to) grow a presence online as an artist. The algorithm is really bad in this era, and it's hard to get someone to see your work if you are a nobody.
I have been on social media for 5 years and tried all the methods I could. everything. I could. At one point got so desperate for attention started clout chasing for an audience, which ended up regretting and deleting an account with 9k random people. It is impossible to grow an art account by just posting. And I personally don't think engaging with others is a good way now, the art community used to be nice, but now people are all just so... different.
When I am drawing alone, I enjoy the process, and I want to show my art to others. I don't have people to share in real life, so social media is the only option. Yet ironically because of the algorithm mostly (and my very unlucky fortune), I don't have anyone to see my art. Literally no one. ( maybe only that one/two guys, which I'm grateful) I am just so tired of trying and failing again.
Sometimes when I see artists get all the attention and support, I can't help but feel jealous. Especially those who live on their ocs and can get people to engage with their oc universe. I envy them because I want to share mine as well. I don't crave much and don't need a thousand people, I just want my work to be seen and make myself feel worthy. It's true they say 'Don't care about popularity do art for yourself' but it's hard.
It has been a vicious cycle, and it has seriously affected my mental health. I used to be a super active artist, yet now I realise I don't like drawing that much anymore. I don't enjoy the only hobby I like, drawing. Because I know no matter how much effort I put into the artwork, no one is going to see it. Even though I like to draw, I can't bring up /finish larger works like I used to. When I think about drawing, it feels like a chore without a reward (external validation).
What I think upset me the most, is when someone managed to see my work on social media, they only spam likes and not follow... ? Because I only have like 10 followers. I don't know how to react anymore.
I have a dream to become a comic artist. I am afraid no one will see my work because I am not a well-known artist. I am so disappointed about everything. I just wish there was someone who could truly appreciate my efforts, and support my work so I may feel I have a purpose to keep on creating.
I am so sorry this turned out to be a long vent, I never told anyone before, I hope someone can hear my inner thoughts as an artist struggling to survive. 🙏
Uh, anon, I'm so sorry to read this. I understand what you're saying and I agree that the internet is a very cruel place for artists right now. Too much competition, algorithms that make it impossible to get seen, AI crap, etc.
Unfortunately, I'm not the kind of person who can tell you how to be successful. I have always been very bad at it myself. I have been posting for over 15 years - and only now have I started to interest more people in my characters (and still, I regularly see artists who are much more successful than me, and who are 10-15 years younger than me). Probably, my first success was the designs of anthro characters, but even when I returned to drawing people, I lost a lot - followers, patrons, mutuals. Of course, I don't complain and am very grateful for what I have. And I'm grateful to those people who support my work. It's just that I'm really not the kind of person who makes successful decisions in my own promotion.
From what I can see, people like fanart, fandoms, some crossovers, DnD. I don't suggest drawing what you don't like - because this will only lead to burnout. But maybe if you find some interesting niche for yourself, you will be able to find people with similar interests and start building your social circle. It's sad that there are no art forums left now, because it was a cool thing. Sometimes I even think about starting my own little forum lol. But still, there are places like Bluesky where artists are now building a new community and helping each other in promotion.
If you want to draw comics - start right now! Draw comics, use hashtags, use all available platforms. Don't try to think of something global, start with something simple and something that will bring you joy. People like comics because they often help to reveal the character better than illustrations. For example, drawing silly little strips really helped me, I started them as a rough sketch after a migraine, and now it is one of the pillars of my art.
Anyway, sorry if this didn't help you at all and my message was useless. I myself am a person with burnout and a very gloomy outlook on the future, and I'm learning to love drawing again like before. I wish you success in your art and don't lose heart - sometimes the path can be very difficult and long, but if you do something for the soul, in the end it will bring results. ❤️
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Just. Need to vent, kinda rambling sorry,
I hate how much transandrophobia discourse has made me afraid to just...have normal conversations and share perspectives with the rest of my community, for fear that it'll be interpreted as speaking over transfems (doesn't help that I'm autistic and super socially inept so I don't fully trust myself not to ACTUALLY speak over transfems by accident 😭)
Like, for example I saw a post about transfem subtext/coding in media, and I wanted to add something in the tags about how sometimes the subtext can be interpreted as both transfem and transmasc coding and it works either way, but I ended up just scrolling past because I was afraid of overstepping. And maybe in this case it actually would have been overstepping and it actually is one of those "valid point but make your own post" moments (I mean there were a couple people in the tags who felt transandrophobic because they were like, rebutting characters who are sometimes read as transmasc, but I'm not familiar enough with those characters to know if they were right or not, and that wasn't on the version of the post that I was going to reblog anyway), but this is just the most recent example of something that I've felt on several occasions at this point. And I feel like maybe it...shouldn't be like this? Like we should be able to all talk about our differing perspectives and go "oh I hadn't thought of it that way" and learn from each other and just, you know, be a fucking community
In a similar vein, I get nervous about discussing these sorts of things with my friends because my main friend group has a lot of transfems, and it's stupid because I absolutely trust these friends to not be transandrophobic, but I'm still scared for some reason :( like, I would have talked about this in the discord server with them if I didn't feel so anxious about messing things up somehow
idk. Maybe I need to step back from transandrophobia discourse for a while, I don't know if that will help though because I was noticing and being bothered by it since before I realised there was a word for it and actual discussions happening around it so discovering that the discourse was happening was kinda just a "holy shit I'm not just going insane!" moment, so idk if stepping back would even help really. Maybe I should just take the leap and be direct with my friends so that I don't have to deal with that slight lingering doubt (which is almost definitely irrational but like, I have trust issues 😔) but I can't think of a way to do that that wouldn't be rude or something. I just hate being so on-edge whenever I see discussions about transmisogyny
I just. need to say this somewhere, idk if there's any advice or reassurance anybody has I'm just too scared to vent about it without anonymity right now :( thanks for listening
( - 🐈⬛♠️I think this was the emoji combo I used last time I signed one of these?)
Well, I am a trans woman, and I don't see that or talking about your perspective as "talking over" me. I've had a lot of conversations irl and online with trans guys and I've always seen it as an educational/learning experience. I love hearing about the views and experiences of those not like me.
That's not talking over, that's just conversation. If you are told that this is "talking over" transfems, then that person wasn't worth your time anyways.
If they're not open to hearing you talk, and only want to talk themselves, that's a red flag and worth avoiding.
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Usually I prefer not to be on anon, but I don't want to share any info censorshippers can use against me, so anon time it is.
So here recently I've started to suspect I might struggle with moral OCD. It's pretty subtle since it manifests in a more internal way/just comes across as me being really into morals/ethics.
Basically I try to be the most moral I can be, go over my stances 100x in my head just to make sure my logic is sound/that I'm right, talk to people/read other's stances to reassure myself, and find myself being easily deterred from some of my opinions (even if I know already from past rumination and self-arguing that I'm in the right)
While this might be normal at first glance if you're someone who questions your own morals often (which is healthy to do,) for me it can become almost constant. I become physically anxious/triggered by the thought of arguments (I start to tremble and all that,) and the thoughts/ruminations are a lot of the time also intrusive, too.
It's a particular issue for me when it comes to proship/profic stances in specific, and is even harsher when it comes to propara stances. Which is a shame, cuz I fully support all (no-contact) paras and I really hate censorship/anti-kink stuff.
Though it still just becomes so difficult when I get any hint of pushback regardless of that. It just triggers these ruminating arguments/thoughts, I go over the convos over and over again to see if I was in the right, and reread what I said at least 5 times.
Yet at the same time, I find these topics interesting. I can't stop myself from being vocal about these topics, and I also have a tendency to ignore my own anxieties/paranoias/whatever and just power through it.
At least I find it worth it when I get reblogs, asks, or comments thanking me- or relating to my posts. While it's hell to struggle with all the stuff I mentioned above, to me it's worth it when it helps create a safer space for people who are demonized, feel misunderstood, don't feel safe to express themselves, or anything like that.
Not to mention I'd likely still go through all of the above stuff, even if I stayed silent. Maybe it'd be less bad- I don't know- but I enjoy what I do at the end of the day either way.
Sorry for the vent/rant. I just don't want to yap about this to my friends all over again about this, and I can't exactly post about it either as stated at the start.
❤
#proshippers against censorship#jackal barks#proship please interact#proshippers please interact#proship positivity#proship#proshipper safe#proshipping#proshipper#anti anti#ask#asks#no stance
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Well... Hello! :) It's been a while, theres a bunch (too much for my own comfort tbh) of you now and I thought it would be nice to put thoughts into words. So sit there a bit if you're doing nothing and have a minute to spare me if you care, we might do a face reveal at the end...
A few days ago I read a post of a mutual here and basically he said something about how we should read bigger texts and get out of this 140 characteres and 15s videos and this connected with a post I've seen ages ago about how we should make this site go back to the blogging era, and I thought I should do my part! (I'm sorry about grammar errors!!! Not checking those)
I've vented on here before about how it was difficult to make people know I'm a person and not a blog, I'm not a themed blog, I'm not just a body, I'm not your horny escape. This seemed like a good time to make you know the person behind this, perhaps it'll help some understand her or maybe you'll just find out the annoying piece of shit I am, either way I put it out there, I did my part, the rest is with you, you can put yourself out there too, or maybe connect with this one here, even if you're hiding away (just be nice!) but we really should get back to putting chairs outside and just get to talking with our neighbours - human connection is what keeps us alive, I'll try and remember that, hope this helps you remember that too!
So... I don't know where to start! Kkkkk How about this: I'm the first daughter of the first daughter and first son of my grandparents, but the second grandaughter on one side (Gabriela was in a hurry to come see this world and broke my numbers). And since you know the name of my older cousin, might aswell tell you mine: I'm Melina, a name chosen because of the nickname Mel 🍯. I always had dogs (and many more animals) as a kid, I always died a little with every passing. I absolute adore having no shoes on, I hate cars, to be honest I'd ban them if I could, but I can't yet so.... I love water, to swin in it, to drink it, to bathe in it.. also a fan of showers. Water, plants, the moon and yellow lights have my heart in a way that I feel it's like those stupid mosquitoes and lamps. I have a weird relationship with music, I can go a really long time without it, maybe because I get immersed in reading and thinking so much that when I finally stop and remember I CAN and I should put something on I relax and then it's an on-off thing. I have a green thumb, except when it comes to seeds, those babies hate me. I have no problem getting rid of everything, going places and staying a long time away from family. I'm really good at accepting things/people as they are, and that makes me a terrible boss and even worse ambitious person. I will always try to find reason. I don't trust people easily. "Trust the process"? No, who wrote the process? Why should I trust them? Who said that this process should be happening like that in order for it to end the way I want? What if that's not the way I want?? In fact, I'm a wary person and yet.. you can take advantage of me sooooo easily! I'm laughing because that's ridiculous, but I'm getting better at setting boundaries... I hope. I'm usually the one that gets hurt, I think I did that to someone for the fisrt time last year and I hate myself for it (how you people do that?). I'm terrible at keeping in touch, I love my friends but I need the everyday life to show it, I need the long walks with no destiny, the sitting and staring at the sky, the let's get together and make something to eat, the helping with grocery shopping (fucking hate it, that's torture to me) those things... I don't think text does it. I used to write A LOT and even tho I might do that I suck at texting/keeping things going on the internet, I'm so bad, I think I've got nothing important to say and that it'll add absolutely nothing to your life and you might have already noticed that so if you say nothing I say nothing. I hate being a nuisance. I will not go to a place if I'm not invited. I believe too much in the power of words so I will not tell you something if I don't believe it, but I'm going also try and ease the blow if needed. I'm very perceptive, to the point I know what you mean by the way you act and you put your phrases together, so I'm a great friend to ask about others intentions to you but that doesn't work with me, you have to be very clear with what you mean/want. I have a total of 0.05 luck. I've got very few regrets, I think everything is a lesson worth learning from - except some and those go into the regrets category - I look at every possible outcome before making a decision.
I hate talking about myself. I hate taking pictures of myself (:
That's why this is happening, I'm talking about myself, I'm making peace with my body, I'm forcing myself to keep in touch, I'm learning to be open to the unknown. We need to grow as humans and baby steps, I'm trying. I had a really nice text prepared in mind - I was in the shower obviusly that would be were the masterpieces would be created - but that's it.
I talked, and talked, and talked too much with a first person pov (omfg! send help) and yet... You still know nothing about me. Keep that in mind. I didn't tell you about the hurt, the difficulties, the traumas, the ugly. Be nice to people it costs you literally nothing. I'm not a blog, even the ones here that are very.. not personal, that are just memes, and a themed colour or something... there's still a person behing that. Just be nice. 🤍

So I see you're in a hurry... I laugh everytime I look at this hope you enjoy it. Now go back!
#jesus christ I'm uncomfortable kkkkk#but anyways#I wish I did that while it was coming to mind instead you'll get the terrible draft that this is#I think is important to point out how grateful I am for the amazing hearts I got to meet because I chose to put down my walls a bit#You all make a great impact and you don't even know it#I love every tag and every rant and every personal post you people make ♥#Ok this is going I might run and hide under the covers or maybe just hide this under a bunch of your beautiful pictures#don't mind me#just thinking thoughts#Ok I still haven't hit send kkkkk aaaaaaah ok ok if I don't do this now maybe I never will so ok whatever just whatever right grrrr doing i
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Thankyou for making that post about not making assumptions about the cast. I wish fandom stopped parasocialling with them so much, it's so weird. Not only the Oliver stuff but that Lou is this poor little heartbroken uwu baby and how the whole cast were awful for not defending him (I've seen alot of "and no one stood up for him!!" posts too).
None of us know these people! What someone puts (or doesn't put) on their public instagram is worlds away from what they may (or may not) say or communicate in private.
And it's kind of depressing to assume the worst of them (any of the cast) rather than just that they're professionals doing their jobs.
Fandom in the last few days has been so much fun with the plot speculation, fics, memes and stuff. I find the criticism of the plots and the writing (and Tim to an extent in his role as showrunner) satisfying, but not to take that to the actors. For me, it's much more enjoyable (and better for my mental health) to have fun with our blorbos in our sandpit and keep the characters and actors separate.
Thanks for letting me vent!
Hi, Nonnie! Thank you for venting in my inbox!
Happy to let you vent, and sorry it took me this long to answer. I kinda promised myself I was going to have a small break from Tumblr this weekend after my last post, and only let myself reblog some. Back here again though!
Yeah, I think it's very important to draw a line and keep it there. If we need a permanent marker, so be it. I come from the Marvel and Glee fandom, and especially in the latter I saw a lot of wild shit. Including Darren Criss's wife having to go private across all social media because of the insane stuff she was unfairly accused of. Hell, when (spoiler) Blaine and Kurt broke up for a while, Darren had to post a goddamn letter to apologise, because he feared the worst. Like. Insane.
And I've been seeing the crazy here as well from the B*ddie fandom, and I stopped checking that hashtag (can't check it even for their friendship) because of how wild it was. We are nowhere near what they do, don't get me wrong. But just because of that, and because this has been, hands down, the nicest fandom I've ever been on, I don't want us crossing lines in a moment of anger or disappointment.
And it's hard to know when to say something, too, because I do feel like the feelings we were dealing with were entirely justified. But as you said, it's better if we keep focused on the show and the, frankly, bad writing they are doing this season.
And yeah, I'm annoyed at the behavior of some actors, but I understand your point. I won't lie and say I liked how no one said a thing about the harassment Lou received, but I also know better and I know it is quite possible they talked about it in real life, and it is very much none of our business.
At the end of the day, Lou has expressed multiple times he was very happy to be in the 911 set, and even in his latest interviews he doesn't contradict this. He's a grown man who deserved to see all the love that we have for him after endless months of harassments, yes. But I also think he's a grown man who knows what he's doing and what he wants.
Anyway. This was long, sorry haha.
If anyone wants to vent, rant, or express their opinions, my inbox is open❣️
#bucktommy#tevan#tommy kinard#evan buckley#911 discourse#lou ferrigno jr#anti buddie#not really but i don't want them here#anon ❣️
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Goodbye, tumblr
Ironic that I'm posting this on my 7-year bloggiversary, but, yeah. Exactly what it says in the title.
I've been working a lot on taking care of myself and learning better coping skills for the past month. Having logged out of tumblr for that entire time made me realize that I had let social media run my emotions for me, and placing too much stock in that is unhealthy for anyone involved.
So, without further ado:
To anyone who still cares about me after everything that's happened, thank you for still being here. This blog was a huge part of my life for a long time, and anyone who's been around since I started pretty much knows how much it meant to me.
To anyone who left after seeing my vent post, I don't blame you. I know I blew all my chances. I've made a LOT of mistakes. And I've been in grief for a long time and felt "stuck" for even longer than that, but I think I'm finally moving forward. I'm learning how to set healthy boundaries and reframe my thoughts. And I can only hope that you're doing well, too.
To a certain somebody, I am so, so sorry. I know I made so many mistakes in the time that we had together, and again, I don't deserve another chance. I had unhealthy coping mechanisms and tried to cling to happiness in the only places I could find it at the time. You have every right to be bitter. But I was in a total mental health collapse, and you saw the worst side of me. You rightfully asked for help, and I'm sorry I reacted so poorly to that. Overall, I'm sorry I wasted our friendship… I hope you're doing well without me.
To a different certain somebody who might not even see this, I think you should take a good, long look in the mirror and grow up. Life isn't pretty sometimes, especially not during a total collapse of mental health, so the fact that you broadcasted my struggle and framed it as everything I am really hurt me. I don't hate you for it the way you probably hate me now, but your words left a huge scar on my heart that I'm still healing from. I hope you find closure in your constant anger, and I hope you can see the effect that you had.
To the JSE community, I'm sorry that I let you down.
To anyone reading this, I hope you know that I'm sorry to you, too. Doesn't matter who you are, how long you've been here, none of that. Genuinely, I hope you all can see the truth in my words here. I've been thinking a lot about what I'd eventually say whenever I came back, if anything, if ever, and I can't think of anything else to say but goodbye.
I'm not deactivating this account, on behalf of all the theories and things I've written over the years. It would pain me immensely to have no archive of that. But, in general, I'm not sure if I'm ever truly coming back. I might, someday. But for now, I'll be a lurker, if I even choose to open the site.
If you need or want to reach out to me, feel free to do so either here or on discord. I'll be checking both every now and again, but probably not nearly as much as I used to, so if you have anything to say to me, speak now.
Goodbye, tumblr. I'll miss you.
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