#I'm so sorry for using your post to vent myself too

[agemmstone]

My father died when I was 14-ish, things with me being trans with him weren't great at all, I showed signs really early, he made me go outside and made me burn the makeshift skirts I made and pray the trans away, I was a child... I didn't have the words to express myself and say what I felt, all I said to get out of trouble is that it was just "curiosity".

He also did this thing about being stern with me, everything I did was wrong, I was weak, a cry baby, "salute with a firm hand, you're a man"...

He died by his own hand, the last person he saw was me, my mom found him after, he saw me in my bed and I looked at him, all I remember is that I didn't like his expression, that face that I interpreted as a face of disapproval at the time, maybe it was something else, but that's the signal he gave me...

Some years after his death I started to think that maybe things are better this way, I still think that, but I don't feel proud of that thought, it's just that I already suffered with my mother, my father would have been impossible, maybe I wouldn't even have a home...

I don't know how much of this is the anger of a ghost too, the how things should have been, the support that I should've had, or is it just a fucked up way to cope with trauma, to think that someone that close is better underground, dead...

My father chases ghosts.

In a moment of uncharacteristic boldness, I once questioned my father on why he treated me with such cold detachment. Why his advice only ever seemed to come in the form of lecturing, and why he never hugged me, or even said he was proud of me. His words in that moment caused the small amount of respect I had for him to shake. He told me that he saw it as the mother's role to love a child, and that it was the father's role to keep the child on the straight and narrow. After some contemplation, I decided in that moment that I disliked him, not just as a parent, but as a person.

My father doesn't have a father. He was the product of an out-of-wedlock pregnancy between an interracial couple in the 60s... My grandmother was never willing to speak about what happened to my grandfather. I can only imagine he didn't stick around long, since my father never knew him, and grew up with only his mother. And it's always been clear to me that this bothered him. The man idolizes masculinity. Maybe desperate for a father figure, he found role models in his grandfather, whose portrait still hangs in his house and which he treats with great care, and his stepfather, whose surname he took (discarding his mother's last name) and passed on to me. Supposedly, his stepfather left his mother in a matter of years, so why my father idolizes him so, I don't understand. I've never met the man.

Perhaps similarly, my father left his mother's care the second he turned 18. Having lived with my grandmother for some years when I was in college, I can honestly understand why. She is prone to smothering the people she loves. In light of that experience, it maybe becomes easier to understand why my father would prefer a more distant form of parenting. Still, I don't agree with his philosophy on gender roles.

Some years after I transitioned, I had a conversation with my father that stuck with me. He said that he actually saw himself as rather unmasculine, a possibility that had never once occurred to me. With that in mind, I suppose he is somewhat short, and not especially muscular. He told me he had always felt insecure about it. But, unlike me, he had never once considered abandoning the pursuit of masculinity entirely. Rather, in his own words, he felt he needed to chase it even harder. To live up to the image he'd set for himself. The ghost of masculinity.

A lot became clear to me in that moment. My father is obsessed with chasing ghosts of how he thinks things Should Be. My mother once told me how he had this "plan" for where he wanted to be in life at each age. He wanted to live on his own by 20. He wanted to be married by 30. He wanted children by 40. When he found out my mother was pregnant, he married her as fast as he could. My mother didn't really care, but he said they HAD to be married before the baby was born. Things had to go in the right order. According to him, that was just how things Should Be.

He was chasing the ghost of the perfect nuclear family that was denied him.

They divorced when I was eight.

In light of all this, it becomes very clear why he acted the way he did when I was younger. I wasn't how his child Should Be. No matter how many things I was diagnosed with, he never bothered looking into what neurodivergency was, or how to deal with it, and simply held me to the standards of a neurotypical child. My mother tells me that when I was six, he yelled at me in a store for wanting to try on a dress. His child being autistic was something to be ignored until it went away. His child being transgender? Forget it.

In recent years, I think my father has started giving up on me. In a good way. Seeing me become happier as my transition progresses seems to have finally convinced him that he doesn't understand what's best for me, at least somewhat. I speak to him maybe once a month. But I often mourn the idea of a father I could've been closer to. A father with whom I could have had a relationship of love, and support. A father I never had.

Maybe I'm chasing a ghost too.

[tsundereition]

omg guys proshipper isn't "basic dni criteria", like that list is supposed to represent actual irl issues(*), not some 2020 internet discourse. you guys are so annoying like if you're uncomfortable interacting with proshippers i understand and respect it, although you probably have a very twisted idea of what the word means (would make a separate post abt it but there are hundreds already). but please don't equate it to actual crimes. (*)also do you seriously think that a bigot troll is going to read your dni and be magically expelled from your strong aura. if anything it's going to make them want to harass you more. it's obvious that those lists are just a pose like "if i don't put racists dni they're gonna think i'm racist" NO aaagh you don't have to over-specify(?) everything about you when interacting online can we please go back to being normal istg. reject modernity embrace not writing a dni list and just blocking people like a normal person <3

[hellenhighwater]

What type of clay and kiln do you use for your pottery? And how did you sculpt people without them cracking? How did you sculpt them in general??

Very curious about your process (I'm so sorry if someone else asked before)

I use Rovin Temmstone Speckle, cone 6-10, for most of my sculptures. On the rare occasions I work in white clay, it's Rovin You Betcha Mix, also cone 6-10. The kilns I fire in are owned by the shared studio I use--each one is different; if you really want to know what they are I can note it down next time I'm there. They're quite large for a personal use kiln; definitely overkill for the average home potter. Because it's a shared studio, I actually have very little involvment with the firing process. The firing is mostly handled by other people. (I'm going to be going through the apprenticeship process to learn all that in the coming year, so that will change!) My studiomates are gunshy about handling my work, so I often get asked to load them into the kiln myself, but that's it.

I post process videos of my sculptures pretty regularly, but it's not an especially complex thing, just finnicky and time-consuming. I start with a sort of big rhombus torso, and then attach hotdog arms and legs, get them posed vaguely how I want, and add the head last. I refer to this as the gumby stage. (Necks are skinny and heads are wobbly, so I like it when things have dried and firmed up a little.)

From there, I'm mostly just shaving material away until I have the proportions I need. There's no internal armature, just clay the whole way through. I usually sculpt on a banding wheel or other spinning table, because I'm looking at the figure in shilouhette as it rotates to check that the pose is correct and proportional--the ability to easily spin and check different angles is crucial. As I refine the shape and things dry, I continue to tweak form and proportion; I am often unable to make significant pose adjustments after the first sculpting session--the clay gets too dry. This guy, for example, is stuck in this pose even as I'm realizing it's hornier than i want it to be. As it dries to leather hard, I slice the figure apart lengthwise anywhere I feel is too thick to safely fire. I hollow out the insides of that area, then reattach both sides together and smooth the surfaces. Once it's had a little time to firm up, I puncture vent holes into the trapped air pockets, which are sometimes very small; sometimes they serve other purposes, like the slits for Icarus's wings. Nearly all of the sculptures I've shared have these hidden air vents and mostly people don't notice them at all.

Finally, they slowly dry until they're ready for bisque firing! I montior closely for cracks as they dry and mend as needed. I use black iron oxide powder as a stain and weathered bronze to glaze, all typically fired at cone 6.

[olderthannetfic]

Can I poke the bear for a moment and get angry? Because I'm seeing "posting as activism" more and more in fandom spaces, and tonight I saw a post that made me lose it.

There is a post about (current events) going around that says, "full offense, but in this time, your own comfort doesn't fucking matter, you should be uncomfortable about things that are happening, and I hope you can fucking live with yourselves if you are quiet. It takes five seconds to retweet or reblog, fuck your aesthetic, fuck your anything aesthetic."

And my god. How dare they.

Yes, there is severely fucked up shit happening. Yes, people should be aware that people are being killed. Yes, there are people who are just shrugging about it and pissing off. But how does reblogging a post certify someone as Good or Bad? How does this person know that someone hasn't already helped out meaningfully in some way, or is still helping out, but on other websites? How does this person know that someone isn't barely holding on by the skin of their teeth, and they would have a mental breakdown if they got closer to any more stressful things?

I know a multitude of people, including myself, who have recently either needed to call lines, check into facilities, move back in with their parents, or go on medication because of how insane things have become in their own lives. How does this person not understand that blogging; being on tumblr; engaging in fandom, having a small space that someone can control in its entirety, is a reprieve for people who are already at their wit's end outside of that space? And that's okay.

(We are not doing the relative privation shit in this house. I refuse to entertain that.)

Ironically, by insisting that people participate in sharing posts when they're already stressed and exhausted, that's a surefire way to make their problems worse, and potentially prevent them from acting helpfully in the future because suddenly, their exhaustion turns into full-blown burnout. That's how it works. Professionals tell you to dial things back if you are too overwhelmed. There is a reason for that. There is a limit to how much people can mentally process and handle. Compassion fatigue exists. For a lot of us, we are already at our limit. We need space to relax, and not have arbitrary obligations thrown on us. That is not our fault, it is not a character flaw, it does not mean we are bad people. And just because horrific things are happening elsewhere, it does not mean we can, or should, stop taking care of ourselves first. Yes, it feels shitty to think, "you know what, I can't reblog this". You bet your ass that I and my friends feel guilty about not being able to engage as much as we think we should, but that is how it goes. I can put my head underwater for a bit. But I cannot keep my head underwater forever. I will drown.

Not to mention the obvious part: guilt-tripping people to the extent of implying they are somehow contributing to genocide, just because they won't reblog a post, and implying they should not be able to live with themselves if they do that, is beyond revolting.

I am angry, and I am not sorry.

--

So many of those kinds of posts—and they turn up during every set of horrific real world events—sound like people who are in a country far away from the events, diaspora at most but probably just randos, venting their impotent rage because it's the only way they can feel productive in a situation where nothing they can do is productive.

[call-me-chips]

Introduction!

Sup, I'm Chips. I do art, headcanons, and reblogging things I like :)

Please give me asks. About anything. Anytime. It can be a request, an ask, a thought, whatever. I am almost always bored. If you have something on your mind, talk to me :) (Just pls don't be spamming my inbox)

Rules about both sketch and headcanon requests below

More info about me:

What I look like:

(I think the first one is the most accurate, minus eye colour)

Sexuality: Lesbian

Gender: Agender

Pronouns: They/them (Also ok with he/him)

MBTI: INTP-T

Zodiac: Gemini (May 24th)

Fandoms: Bnha/Mha, Kny, Spy x Family, B99, Tadc, Fnaf, Toh, Helluva and Hazbin, Star Wars, Lackadaisy, Sonic, Zelda, Marvel, the Renegades trilogy, Dsmp somewhat, Zeyn_Syre, Taom, and I know I'm missing at least one more but oh well

Likes: Women, art, music/singing, cosplay, cats, guns, kpop, photography, formal outfits

Dislikes: Peanut butter, olives, mushrooms, bananas, eggplants, the government, any kind of nuts, iced tea

This is my blog of art stuffs! I post about my own art, as well as others' art and any other interests of mine. I am very gay, so expect what I post/reblog to follow suit.

Some little rules/things to know about my blog:

● BE NICE.

● I don't draw/interact with NSFW stuff, as I know there are minors on here and want this to be a safe place for everyone, so please keep that in mind

● I consider myself to be a christ follower. However, due to personal stuffs, please refrain from talking about God/Jesus/Bible things here

● I may post about religious things tho, but likely not

● I may also post more vent related things that could touch on topics such as toxic family, su1c1dal thoughts, etc., so if you would not like to see that, I will try my best to label all vent things as #chipsvents so you can block it :)

● Sometimes I hide little secrets or fun facts about myself in the tags of some of my my posts 🤭

Rules about sketch requests:

● The sketch requests are to cure my boredom/practice and improve my art skills, so they are free

● Don't request anything too specific. I obv won't be able to recreate the exact pose you have envisioned the character in, so just suggest the character and I'll handle posing

● Anyone can send requests

● Will only do 1-2 characters per page, but I may make an exception if the characters are small

● All characters are allowed, minus characters from adult shows/movies, such as Hazbin Hotel or Helluva Boss

● I can draw Ocs, so long as 1 or more reference photos are provided

● BEWARE, if you don't want your request to look like crap, I recommend not sending in Sonic characters (or just animals in general). I will still try to draw in Sonic's style if you ask, but you have been warned

● Be prepared for the request to take a few days to complete. I'm slow, sorry lol

Rules about headcanon requests:

● Fandoms I will do headcanons for: Bnha/Mha, Kny, Sxf, B99, Tadc, Fnaf, Toh, Helluva and Hazbin, Lackadaisy, Sonic, Marvel, the Renegades trilogy, Zeyn_Syre

● IF YOU WANT A KNY HEADCANON, please keep in mind that I haven't watched the anime yet, so maybe ask for more common/popular characters

● I will not do headcanons for Tengen Uzui. (I've done him twice already, and both of those were a STRUGGLE. If you wanna see the two I've done, search "kny headcanons" in my blog and scroll till you find it :))

● If you give me a character from a fandom I don't know, it will be a nonsense headcanon, where I will put their name into a random generator and give you the headcanon given

Tags for sorting (might forget to use em tho)

● chipsdraws (Art)

● chipsvents (Vents/sensitive topics)

● askchips (Asks)

● chipsappreciates (Character appreciation posts)

● chipsvsgod (God/bible stuffs)

● I fucking hate my rib (rants/updates on my rib)

● Headcanon reblog (My mha headcanon reblog chain)

● Random shit (Self explanatory)

[azaharinflames]

Thankyou for making that post about not making assumptions about the cast. I wish fandom stopped parasocialling with them so much, it's so weird. Not only the Oliver stuff but that Lou is this poor little heartbroken uwu baby and how the whole cast were awful for not defending him (I've seen alot of "and no one stood up for him!!" posts too).

None of us know these people! What someone puts (or doesn't put) on their public instagram is worlds away from what they may (or may not) say or communicate in private.

And it's kind of depressing to assume the worst of them (any of the cast) rather than just that they're professionals doing their jobs.

Fandom in the last few days has been so much fun with the plot speculation, fics, memes and stuff. I find the criticism of the plots and the writing (and Tim to an extent in his role as showrunner) satisfying, but not to take that to the actors. For me, it's much more enjoyable (and better for my mental health) to have fun with our blorbos in our sandpit and keep the characters and actors separate.

Thanks for letting me vent!

Hi, Nonnie! Thank you for venting in my inbox!

Happy to let you vent, and sorry it took me this long to answer. I kinda promised myself I was going to have a small break from Tumblr this weekend after my last post, and only let myself reblog some. Back here again though!

Yeah, I think it's very important to draw a line and keep it there. If we need a permanent marker, so be it. I come from the Marvel and Glee fandom, and especially in the latter I saw a lot of wild shit. Including Darren Criss's wife having to go private across all social media because of the insane stuff she was unfairly accused of. Hell, when (spoiler) Blaine and Kurt broke up for a while, Darren had to post a goddamn letter to apologise, because he feared the worst. Like. Insane.

And I've been seeing the crazy here as well from the B*ddie fandom, and I stopped checking that hashtag (can't check it even for their friendship) because of how wild it was. We are nowhere near what they do, don't get me wrong. But just because of that, and because this has been, hands down, the nicest fandom I've ever been on, I don't want us crossing lines in a moment of anger or disappointment.

And it's hard to know when to say something, too, because I do feel like the feelings we were dealing with were entirely justified. But as you said, it's better if we keep focused on the show and the, frankly, bad writing they are doing this season.

And yeah, I'm annoyed at the behavior of some actors, but I understand your point. I won't lie and say I liked how no one said a thing about the harassment Lou received, but I also know better and I know it is quite possible they talked about it in real life, and it is very much none of our business.

At the end of the day, Lou has expressed multiple times he was very happy to be in the 911 set, and even in his latest interviews he doesn't contradict this. He's a grown man who deserved to see all the love that we have for him after endless months of harassments, yes. But I also think he's a grown man who knows what he's doing and what he wants.

Anyway. This was long, sorry haha.

If anyone wants to vent, rant, or express their opinions, my inbox is open❣️

[rogue-of-broken-time]

Goodbye, tumblr

Ironic that I'm posting this on my 7-year bloggiversary, but, yeah. Exactly what it says in the title.

I've been working a lot on taking care of myself and learning better coping skills for the past month. Having logged out of tumblr for that entire time made me realize that I had let social media run my emotions for me, and placing too much stock in that is unhealthy for anyone involved.

So, without further ado:

To anyone who still cares about me after everything that's happened, thank you for still being here. This blog was a huge part of my life for a long time, and anyone who's been around since I started pretty much knows how much it meant to me.

To anyone who left after seeing my vent post, I don't blame you. I know I blew all my chances. I've made a LOT of mistakes. And I've been in grief for a long time and felt "stuck" for even longer than that, but I think I'm finally moving forward. I'm learning how to set healthy boundaries and reframe my thoughts. And I can only hope that you're doing well, too.

To a certain somebody, I am so, so sorry. I know I made so many mistakes in the time that we had together, and again, I don't deserve another chance. I had unhealthy coping mechanisms and tried to cling to happiness in the only places I could find it at the time. You have every right to be bitter. But I was in a total mental health collapse, and you saw the worst side of me. You rightfully asked for help, and I'm sorry I reacted so poorly to that. Overall, I'm sorry I wasted our friendship… I hope you're doing well without me.

To a different certain somebody who might not even see this, I think you should take a good, long look in the mirror and grow up. Life isn't pretty sometimes, especially not during a total collapse of mental health, so the fact that you broadcasted my struggle and framed it as everything I am really hurt me. I don't hate you for it the way you probably hate me now, but your words left a huge scar on my heart that I'm still healing from. I hope you find closure in your constant anger, and I hope you can see the effect that you had.

To the JSE community, I'm sorry that I let you down.

To anyone reading this, I hope you know that I'm sorry to you, too. Doesn't matter who you are, how long you've been here, none of that. Genuinely, I hope you all can see the truth in my words here. I've been thinking a lot about what I'd eventually say whenever I came back, if anything, if ever, and I can't think of anything else to say but goodbye.

I'm not deactivating this account, on behalf of all the theories and things I've written over the years. It would pain me immensely to have no archive of that. But, in general, I'm not sure if I'm ever truly coming back. I might, someday. But for now, I'll be a lurker, if I even choose to open the site.

If you need or want to reach out to me, feel free to do so either here or on discord. I'll be checking both every now and again, but probably not nearly as much as I used to, so if you have anything to say to me, speak now.

Goodbye, tumblr. I'll miss you.

[wayfayrr]

So this is very much a self indulgent mini-fic, venting about some stuff that I've been dealing with recently <3 I'm working on requests and some other fics but I got told to post this to get it off of my chest anyway @cloudninetonine @angry-trashcan thanks for the confidence boost to be able to post this

“Hey, you’ve been sitting over here for a while, you feeling alright?”

“Just been thinking… I was part of some drama before I was uh brought here. It’s just, it’s just messed with me a bit I guess. I’ll be fine when we need to start moving again, don’t worry wars.”

After a brief second of fabric shuffling, he sits down and leans on me. It’s an oddly comforting feeling, different too like he’s bothered by something? What could’ve set him off so badly?

“Would you mind if I asked you about it? It’s clearly bothering you so, you should get it off of your chest and well, I’d just like to help you through this.”

“If you really want to know, it’s a little complicated though and while I can make a lot of it make sense to you I’ll have to leave a couple of things out.”

“Sounds like you’re willing to get it off of your chest though, so would you care to explain it to me honeybee?”

He’s being more persistent than usual too, have I really been looking so badly bothered by my thoughts? The worry does feel nice however, it feels more like talking to an old friend than anything which is wonderful seeing as I’ve not been able to reach them recently. I’ve just been stuck rereading old messages in a new context while my phone endlessly buffers to reach impossibly far servers.

“It’s… I’d been having issues with this person for a while… they used me more than anything, kept asking me for advice and making everything about them and brushed anything I or my other friends were trying to say off and sent things they really shouldn’t to people unwarrented… and then everything else.”

“Everything else? You don’t have to cut yourself off, with how you’ve been acting the rest feels like it’ll be worse anyway.”

“They just - someone connected some dots and pointed them out to me and I just… I’ve been going back over what they said and - and - and it made me think. They told me they associated my voice with a character they always got weird over, they kept fawning over my accent and how they’ve only ever heard it in fiction before, they gave me weird compliments when I was talking about things I did as a kid and that’s not even getting me started on how they treated my friends. I just… I feel so disgusted, seeing it in this light. Every bit of my skin just itches with disgust towards myself. Sorry I didn’t mean to share so much at once - I’m just tired. They didn’t even like me, it was like they only wanted me for where I’m from.”

The way he stilled sent a shiver down me, did I say to much? He might have not meant it when he said I could share… I mean theres no way he could’ve known… or does he think I’m simply overreacting? I’m probably just overreacting anyway.

My heart started beating again when he softened and pulled me to rest on him.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that all. They’re the one who is disgusting, not you, never you. I’ll speak to time, you should just rest for the rest of the day. I can lend you my scarf and you can just have a nap or I could ask wild to make your favourite food and you can just rest.”

I didn’t get a say before he’s already draped it over my shoulders; he’s leading me back over to the others and setting me down next to sky as he goes to speak with time. 

“Hmm? Did something happen, are you feeling alright dove?”

“Ah well, wars is going to ask time if we can stop for the day because I’m just dealing with some memories. I hope it won’t bother the others.”

“I doubt it, everyone’s been tense and tired recently. I know I have, I’ve been about dying for a rest. Would you care to join me too?”

Leaning back against him is all the response he needs as my eyes flutter closed, he’s so warm and comfortable. There are few people I’d prefer to rest next to. 

><><><><><><

“So then old man, I think that’s a good enough reason to settle for the day, don’t you?”

I know he’ll agree, asking him like this is simply a formality. After all, how could we continue when a member of the group is in such a state? On the verge of tears just from thinking about someone for a little bit too long. 

“You’ve never asked this for anyone else, but fine.” “Thank you Time, I’ll pay you back for this.”

“And Wars?”

“Hmm?”

“Go take your anger out on something, it’s not a good energy in the camp. Not if they’re so fragile right now. There’s apparently a standard bokoblin camp just a little south.”

He’s seen right through me then, but now I don’t need an alibi for when I come back.

[from-izzy]

i'm home | tbz lee sangyeon

» ​PAIRING: tbz lee sangyeon x gn!reader (please tell me if i made a mistake!)​ » TROPE/AU​: established relationship au!, long-distance relationship au!, non-idol au! » GENRE​: loving boyfriend sangyeon, very supportive sangyeon, fluffy fluff, bit of angst (ok, maybe more than a 'bit'), comfort comfort and...comfort, reading blushes cause of sangyeon (hehe), boyfie sangyeon who's taller so that you can comfortably hide your face to his chest » WORD COUNT: 4625 » ESTIMATED READING TIME: ~17 mins » WARNINGS (lmk if i missed anything!): mention of religion once, proofread once, workplace hardships navi/masterlist!! 🤍 part of 'especially to you...'

i was a little bit nervous about posting this, especially since it was very rushed! sorry, i didn't plan this well 🥹 nothing came up till the last minute 😞 def didn't freak out or anything— 🤠 i'm gonna hype myself up and think this is fine considering i was racing against the clock (which i didn't manage to beat 😞) and have study to do (exams who? nov 9 who?).

but first of all to me: i know you rejected a lot of opportunities, drowned yourself in a lot of regrets, and i understand that planes are scary for you. i hope that you will find a reason soon to finally see the world like your younger self was dying to do. you were so close to doing it in july and i'm so proud of that first step. keep going, okay?

and! to you @winterchimez...i don't think there are any words needed. welcome home, soulmate! 🫂

Nothing will ever feel as much at home to you as Sangyeon could ever be.

You knew this the moment you told him about how you got the opportunity to work overseas. You remember when it felt like you were fighting endlessly with yourself. Around two years ago, after your weekly date, a loving kiss on your lips and the way Sangyeon would flash you that endearing smile, you thought that everything would be fine. You pushed, what you thought, to be a slim chance that you would be able to work overseas to the back of your mind. At first, you felt crushed about the video interview that you messed up, stuttering and using filler words while you internally scolded yourself for not preparing answers to simple job interview questions. Your head was overloaded with information between things to say and not to say, what would be the best answer and how to play your cards right. In the end, as soon as you pressed the red button on the video call interview, you reached out for your phone to call the first person on your call logs.

Sangyeon remembers that video call, the line of tears cascading down your cheeks as you vent your feelings out. He always waited for you to finish your sentences, nodding along to your words and giving affirming body language to show that he was actively following. Along your stream of words, you didn’t realise that Sangyeon stepped outside in the cold air, his phone at a new low angle and the lights from the buildings were the only reason why you were still able to see his smile across the screen.

“Wait…why are you outside? Where are you going?” You grabbed the new box of tissues from your bedside table, ripping the top part of the box with the dashed lines to help you retrieve a new paper instantly.

“Just grabbing some things.” Sangyeon leisurely answers, bringing the camera closer to his puckering lips, “I’m sure you did amazing, baby. Don’t worry too much, alright? And if you didn’t make it, then I’m sure God has other plans for you.”

You both continue talking over the phone, wiping your eyes, drinking a ton of water and burying yourself underneath the blanket as Sangyeon continues his little errand run. Soon enough, you finally understood why the phone was tilted upwards towards the sky and why Sangyeon didn’t show the things he bought—all the usual things that he would share with you during his random, night errand runs like this one. 

It was when he finally brought the phone up to be in line with his face that you recognised the familiar street background that he was walking in. You gasped, throwing your blanket to the floor, and opening the door suddenly to face your parents who looked at you with shocked eyes. They couldn’t even voice out any of their thoughts because you were out the front door as fast as you exited your bedroom door.

Knowing well that you found out about his plan, Sangyeon made a final sprint for your house, the contents inside the plastic bag ruffles and his earphones your excited laughs and words fill his earphones, mixed in with some of your still sniffling sounds from the devastating earlier events.

That night wasn’t the first time that Sangyeon would run over to you with no notice or hesitation but Sangyeon had been going through a tough time with his personal life and you didn’t know that he would still be able to have such energy to take care of you. It’s a miracle that you were able to still go on dates that these days would be impossible to plan. That night was a reminder to you, especially with the way that he lowered his lower body down, wrapped his arms around your waist, and lifted you as he buried his face into the crook of your neck, that you really love your boyfriend and that he has always been your number one supporter.

In his arms, with some final tears that Sangyeon wiped away delicately from your still-red cheeks, you were sure that everything would be fine. 

Your tears started because you were stressed but it ended with comfort.

But you got another huge headache about a week later when you got the final results of the interview. It could be the acceptance letter (that you were still sure you weren’t going to get), but you knew that you needed to at least open it, read it and accept whatever result it was to move on with your life. So, you tapped on the notification without much thought and you will forever remember this sentence: We look forward to working with you. You froze then and there, your jaw open in disbelief and your fingers went back to the main email page, pulling the inbox page down to refresh the screen. Lo and behold, you were faced with a challenge that you didn’t bother to think about.

You sprint to Sangyeon’s house as soon as the reality sinks into you. Once again, you left your parent’s house after breaking the news to the owners before leaving. Usually, you would have never been able to run that fast and long without a break. The adrenaline and anxiety took over your whole body, and you let your legs guide you to your boyfriend’s house. 

Sangyeon welcomed the news with open arms, his feet adorably tapping on the spot and a deep, soft kiss on your lips that still held his radiant smile. But unlike him, you could only stand at your spot in front of his house and give him a reluctant smile. To this, his smile drops and so did the arms that were in the air a moment ago to celebrate this new journey of yours. The vertical lines between his eyebrows made itself evident and you could only respond with a series of head-shaking and quivering lips.

“Hey…” He cradles the back of your head with one hand, the other on your cheek as he steps forwards towards you, “What’s wrong? You’ve always wanted this.”

Your arms surrounded Sangyeon’s lower body tightly, taking a handful of his sweater and your cold nose slowly became warmer thanks to his body temperature, “I know. But now that it’s happening, I’m having second thoughts.”

He continues to dig further into your thoughts, wanting to understand your feelings more and why you were having second thoughts about something you worked so hard for, “Do you want to elaborate further now? Or do you want to come inside first?”

“If I say the latter, will you cuddle with me?”

This is the you that he knows: the one that would always wish for a kiss, then a cuddle and then another kiss. You lift your face from his chest, increasing the distance between you both slightly. Sangyeon sees the sparkle in your eyes and the slight pout on your lips when you look up at him with a silent plea for a positive answer to your question. 

Who was he to refuse and break your heart like that? 

Plus…he wanted to cuddle with you as much as you did.

And so with the support of your loving family, chaotic friends and encouraging boyfriend, you packed up, headed onto the new country alone and started a new, independent life. Thankfully, you were able to find a place close to your workplace and the foreign place became your home quickly with your three kind housemates. Splitting the chores around the house, cooking, and establishing times to use the washing machine was never a problem. Living in the same house made it easier for you all to spend some time and get to know each other better, leading to routine Friday nights to be spent with each other, going on road trips and eventually overseas trips.

Your workplace has been rewarding as you found the same good qualities of your housemates in most of your co-workers. From day one, everyone has welcomed you to their lives with open arms and you knew for sure that these people wouldn’t be the reason that you would ever have to leave to go back home.

“It’s just so unfair.” It was the company, the workplace and the conditions that they put you in. The logic didn’t make sense: the place was understaffed yet they won’t hire any new people. Of course, there were many underlying factors around it, but after being so overworked, adapting to the new culture, being homesick and, your body trying its best to adjust to the new season changes that you would never have to deal with back home, it was inevitable that you were going to break down soon, “Why? Just why do they have to do that?”

“I’m so sorry you’re going through that.” Oh how much Sangyeon just wanted to jump out of the screen and hug you tight. When was the last time he ever got to do that anyway? He missed having you in his reach—his favourite love language not being able to be expressed for about half a year now, “Hang in there, baby. I know you can do this. Stay strong, hm?”

Through your blurred vision, you could still make out his sorrowful smile, his hand that just hovers the top of the camera on his phone as if to recreate the feeling that he was touching the side of your head.

Perhaps, the worst part of being away from home is your inability to ever interact with them in real-time. The time difference made it too exhausting for everyone on the other side of the world to communicate with you properly. Sure, there were rare days when they could, but the way their moon would rise when the sun said its greetings here made you swallow down your tears at night, forcing you to reassure yourself that ‘everything is going to be fine.’ Because of this, it was a routine for you to drown in your thoughts throughout the day, waking up with a heavy head and heart from the previous nights as you plaster on a weak but still genuine smile when you greet your coworkers. 

With the help of your housemates, your family and Sangyeon have managed to surprise you on both of your birthdays as well as some gaps between their schedules. Those memories would be the ones you would replay in your head as you cry your heart out in the middle of the bed that’s in the middle of the room, in the middle of the night.

Other than the visits and calls, the only things that would connect you to them are the daily pictures and videos. At the very least, they captured the lives of the ones you love back home. Unlike the memories that you could only see and keep for yourself, the physical evidence of their smiles is another big source of comfort for you, especially when all you wanted during your lonely walk home was just life updates from the people that you love most. Somewhere along the way though, the pictures and videos became too much for you, and you start to imagine what the picture would be like if you filled up the negative space within it. 

How would it be like to share that laughter, smile and experience of the atmosphere that the picture manages to capture? What was the air around there like? Humid? Cold? Warm? Aromatic? Or maybe perhaps, would you have been too entranced by Sangyeon’s presence that the only thing you could smell was his signature perfume mixed in with his laundry detergent? 

How would it feel just to have Sangyeon’s shoulder pressed up against yours whenever he has that habit of putting an arm around your back to grab the opposite side of your waist? To have his bigger hand securely intertwine with yours? To have him press a kiss on the side of your head after he whispers ‘I love you forever’ to your ears—knowing well that you were the only one in the world that he would ever confess that phrase intimately to.

How would it feel like to just have the familiar buildings of your neighbourhood, your city and the familiar murals or paintings in your life again? Would it be more comforting than the pictures of the same scenery on your phone? Would your heart be more at ease walking in the night even if all the lights were off or there were no signs of life?

As an answer to your thoughts, after two years of learning, gaining life experiences and missing the air of your home, you bravely decided not to pick up the pen on the table and sign your initials on the new contract paper. 

You decided: I’m going home. 

It’s been a really wild ride. A ride that you would never exchange for anything else. For one, you made friends from the other side of the world. Friends that you knew you could always hit up and visit if you ever come back. Two, it was real when people say that ‘the distance makes the heart grow fonder’. Sangyeon has always been the boyfriend who would cry and carry his burden alone but would always welcome your hardships into his life. Before, even though you could pick up some of the signs on some occasions, the limited video calls allowed you both to pour your feelings out, exchanging confessions and true thoughts. Had you not been across the world, you were confident that Sangyeon would step out of his shell eventually but you were thankful that the distance did its job healthily and your relationship with him strengthened with the tears and chuckles that he showed. 

When the time came and you finished training the new worker who would soon be taking your place in the company, you did your final preparations before stepping out of the house that sheltered you for two years. Final goodbyes, tears being shed, words of affirmation and promises for occasional updates were made before you drove off to the airport. Rolling down the car window, you twist your upper body to face the back of the car, your hand waving up in the air. 

The ride to the airport is bittersweet. You put your phone down after texting Sangyeon that you would call him when you pass through security. All you wanted to do at this moment was to look out the windows and take in the colours of the journey, half-scared that the scenery might turn monochrome soon if you didn’t pay close attention.

Keeping your promise, you connected your earphones and turned on your camera to be faced with Sangyeon leisurely lying in bed, one hand on the back of his head on the headboard, blinking his eyes to fight the sleep from his system.

“You should sleep.” 

Sangyeon shakes his head, straightening his back and sitting up. He takes a deep breath, his chest expanding in volume as he does so, “You only have a few minutes before you have to go anyway. I can stay awake and accompany you.”

“You’re the best, you know that?” 

Thankfully, you found a seat for yourself in the busy atmosphere. You place your backpack on the floor in front of you between your legs, being mindful of the other passengers in the busy airport who most probably had a long day before this, now having to spend overnight in a metal column.

“Love that hoodie on you. Where’d you get it?” Sangyeon wiggles his eyebrows playfully and you roll your eyes, “Good to know that you didn’t leave it behind.”

“I would be crazy to leave this behind.” You pull on the strings of the hoodie, fastening the circumference of the hood around the outline of your face, pouting cutely to your boyfriend who just laughs at you fondly.

“Can’t wait to hold you.” That sentence holds so many meanings and tugged on your heartstrings so much. It hurt for a bit to hear him say that, especially when his voice sounded so tired, “I love you so much.”

“I love you so much.” You whisper to the microphone, holding the tears that you didn’t want to show to your friends throughout the whole week, “I miss you so much. I can’t wait to go on physical, real-life dates again.”

“A few more hours.” He reminds the both of you, holding on just a little bit longer, “Everything will sort itself out then.”

That’s right.

A few more hours until you will both be able to be in the same space again. Just a little bit more before you’ll be able to steal a kiss from his lips whenever and wherever. 

You can’t wait to be back in the comfort of your bed, saying ‘goodnight’ to your parents and slipping out of your windows shortly after to meet Sangyeon at the convenience store. 

You can’t wait to spend some time with his mum—who he gets very jealous of sometimes—and steal more childhood, baby pictures of him. Along with that, you can’t wait for his mum to let you sneak into his room to steal some of his clothes. 

You can’t wait to see his blushing face as he freezes between the doorframe when his eyes land on how his sleeves would completely cover your arms, and your thighs and expose a little bit of your shoulders. 

You can’t wait for him to scoop you up in his strong arms, eliciting your series of squeals and giggles that he has fallen deeply in love with. 

You can’t wait for him to tuck you in bed, pulling his blanket up to your chin. He would then frame his larger body over yours throughout the night, making you sleep deeper and better. But your night, wouldn’t be complete until you delicately kiss him on his chin, cheek and lips. His night wouldn’t be complete either until he kissed your forehead, nose and lips, taking his sweet time on the last body part. 

Most importantly, the night wouldn’t be complete overall until your lips part each other and exchange ‘I love you’s.

As soon as you landed, the adrenaline of finally being in the same country, the same land, the same building knocked out the jetlag and you were suddenly wide awake. You felt a bit bad for the bottom of the seat in front of you and your backpack which was violently ripped out from its peace, but you would like to think that they would understand your sudden burst of energy. You race and slip yourself between the bodies of people who were most probably confused and amazed by how much your eyes were darting around the conveyor belt so quickly, trying to find your check-in baggage—but you didn’t care.

You care about is Lee Sangyeon.

Now, you passed through every security check, every random bag inspection, opening and relocking up all your luggage again one by one, your patience running out by the minute.

But it’s okay.

Because now, only one glass door stands in the way between you and all the people waiting on the other side. 

You watch from the distance as the automatic door opens and closes through other passengers. You were even able to catch a glimpse of some of your fellow flight passengers who spotted their loved ones immediately in the crowd, their hands releasing the handle brake of their trolley when they rushed into the crowd. Their loved ones cry and gasp at the presence that they have been so desperate for, their bodies swaying side to side to keep some of their emotions regulated in public.

Oh, how you know you wouldn’t be able to hold in your tears.

Exhaling and inhaling a couple more times, your hands grip the handle of your trolley, doing a final baggage check that everything is securely held in place and that you didn’t leave anything. Finally, you push the handle to release the brake and you start to walk over to the translucent glass doors. 

Time didn’t slow down. 

It just felt still. 

It didn’t stop though—it just felt still.

You could hear your heartbeat through your ears, your palms were sweating in nervousness and you could barely feel the ground that you were walking on with every step of your feet. The gush of wind pushes your hair back dramatically and your eyes water at the cooler air from the other side of the door. Metal barricades separate the arriving passengers from the crowd from both sides of your body and you force your teared-up eyes to carefully scan through the rows of the crowds and the signs that they held up. Your back straightens to accommodate your eyes’ effort in addition to your lips that move in the shape of the name of the person you miss the most. Unfamiliar faces fill your visual field and your feet finally take you to the end of the barricade, heart feeling heavy at the unsuccessful event to pick out anyone in the crowd that you know. 

But then…

“Found you.” 

His appearance explains why you were unable to quickly pick him out from the crowd if you didn’t focus on detail. Sangyeon grins at your shocked facial expression, watching your eyes slowly lift from the bouquet in his hands to the freshly black dye on his hair.

“Y-You—”

“What do you think?” His pointer and thumb raise to twirl a bit of his hair, his eyes still on you, “You always said that I would look good with black hair.”

“Good?” Oh, he knew what kind of effect this is having on you and he’s having fun with this, “Sangyeon, you—” 

His facial expression softens straightaway when the tears that you’ve been holding for so long finally drop to the ground and he strides forwards immediately as soon as he catches a glimpse of your quivering lips. Forget about the flowers, forget about the people around you, forget about how you were standing in the middle of the walkway. He sets his ‘welcome back’ gifts on top of your things, swiftly wrapping an arm behind your shoulders while the other one cups your cheeks. 

Sangyeon held your shaking body against his tightly, and it was good that he did, otherwise, you would surely be on the floor. You relished in the scent that you missed the most, purposely taking in deep breaths to ground yourself back to the present. The boy smiles at the realisation, letting your free cheek cutely rest on his chest. He hushes you softly, the swiping motion of his thumb on your cheek giving you a physical reminder of his presence—a reminder that he is with you at this very moment. Multiple kisses were pressed on your forehead in an attempt to calm you down and responded with a whimper as you tried to form words.

“It’s okay.” It really is, “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Your body responded to his affirmation, your arms finally wrapping around his waist, the tips of his fingers just barely intertwining behind his back. Your palms lay flat on his smooth leather jacket and your ragged breathing found a stable pace once again. The increased oxygen in your blood allows you to finally feel Sangyeon’s plump lips on your forehead and the blush begins to form across your cheekbones. 

“You’re really here.”

“I am.” You feel the way his chest vibrates at his deep chuckle. 

That’s all he said and it’s way more than enough. Eyes closed, in Sangyeon’s embrace, his familiar scent, his lips hovering on your eyelids to press kisses there—everything is starting to feel like home.

“You look handsome.” For the first time since you arrived, you finally look at this new hair colour properly. Your eyebrows furrow, almost a look of dissatisfaction and disapproval, “Too handsome.” This time, one of your eyebrows raised at the way he responded with a teasing smile, “How many people asked you out already?”

“Honestly,” He starts to act, tightly closing his eyes as if to think very hard. He prolonged his hum with the way you glared at him cutely, wanting to tease you for longer, “quite a lot.”

The answer made you scoff, tilting your head away and you started to pull away from his embrace. Sangyeon didn’t let you walk away fully though for he pulled you right back to his body. Your hands attempt to stabilise your body the sudden act by resting on the curves of Sangyeon’s shoulders. The playful look in his eyes disappears and the extra layer of moisture shows itself—it tells you that he has been waiting for the only person to ever see his tears to be within his arms again. Both his hands rest on your waist and your own eyes search for the emotions behind his, a hand wiping his lower eyelid. That act makes a tear fall before another one falls and it soon becomes a fountain of emotions for the older male.

“I missed you. So much.” The way that Sangyeon puts so much emphasis on the second and fourth words sent chills down your spine.

Your hand on his shoulder slides upwards to cup his face, the other downwards to do the same on the other side. With all the strength you have left in your legs, you put your weight on your toes, fluttering your eyelids close and lifting your body to press a longing kiss to his lips. You tasted his tears on the curves on his lips, but knowing well that it stemmed from love, made your heart slowly start to heal. Sangyeon reciprocates immediately, travelling his hands to the side curves of your body, stopping at your neck, gently tilting your face upwards to deepen the kiss. The kiss sweetly alternates with his own hugging your bottom lips, pulling away for oxygen, a little ‘I love you’ and diving back in to hug your upper lips.

This is what home feels like.

It’s not some building or some land that could be pointed out on a map. It’s not necessarily the photos and videos that you received, even though they comforted you on cold nights. It’s not necessarily the rushed talks and recounts of your lives because the second hand on the clock mocked the little time you would always have, even though you were thankful that you had that small gap to do so.

It’s actually experiencing all of the above, going through all those trials, all those confusing emotions, and still feeling love and support. It’s being able to just walk with defeat over the day’s work but as soon as you arrive back home, the feeling either washes away or you’re able to just vent it and cry it out. 

With the right people, you were able to let these experiences turn into lessons and precious memories—similar to how there are specific bricks to build the proper structure of a house. As those experiences build, so does the clear image and structure of a house. Sure, houses break down due to inside and outside factors but when it does, you’re confident that you can work it out and make it stronger. 

With those thoughts in mind, the corner of your lips tugged upwards and no words were needed for Sangyeon to know that the smile wasn’t mischievous, teasing or playful.

It’s one full of relief and happiness.

“Welcome home.” Sangyeon changes his words between your kisses.

You hum, waiting for the next time he pulls away to give a proper response.

“I’m home.”

navi/masterlist!! 🤍 'especially to you' tags (send a dm/ask if you would like to be here!): @deoboyznet 📢❤️ @k-labels 💙🤍 @k-films 🤎🎞️

[slytherslvt]

Burden- poly!Mattheo and Theodore x gn!Reader

a/n: this is a vent incorporated fic with hurt/comfort. i tend to write my feelings into stories/fics instead of journaling them or something. this is the first time i’m posting this kind of fic! but yeah, these are my feelings at the moment but i’m okay !!

Theodore and Mattheo watch you as you pace back and forth in Theodore’s dorm room, your arms wrapped tightly around yourself. They've noticed your mood has been off for days, but whenever they ask, you just brush it off with a noncommittal "I'm fine."

Mattheo sighs, running a hand through his hair. "You're not fine. We can see that. Talk to us, please."

You shake your head, looking down at the floor. "It's nothing. I promise.” That’s a lie and you know it, and Mattheo and Theodore know it too.

Theodore stands up, his chair scraping loudly against the floor. He crosses the room in a few long strides and grabs your chin, forcing you to look up at him. "Don't lie to us," he says, his voice firm yet gentle. "We can see you're struggling. Let us help you carry this weight."

“I…” You go to say you’re fine again, but something stops you. You walk over to Theodore’s desk, sitting in the chair. You take a dramatic sigh, before saying, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Everything seems to be wrong. Everything fucking hurts and I can’t talk to people about anything because I feel like I’m burdening them and being annoying,” You take a breath. “I’m so tired of everything. I’m mentally exhausted and I don’t want to die, I’m terrified of killing myself, but I want everything to stop but it won’t and everything keeps piling up and… and.. I don’t know,” You pause. “I’m sorry.”

Mattheo is by your side in an instant, kneeling down in front of you. He takes your hands in his, squeezing them gently. "You're not a burden, sweetheart. You could never be a burden to us. We're here for you, no matter what."

“I know that,” you reply. “But… I just… sometimes I feel like no one cares and no one wants to be around me. I can’t help it.”

Theodore crouches down beside Mattheo, his gaze soft. "We care, love. More than you know. And we want you around, always. Don't push us away because you're afraid of being a burden. You’re never a burden to us.”

“I’m not?” You ask softly.

Mattheo shakes his head, his thumb brushing away a tear that escapes your eye. "No, you're not. You're our everything, remember that."

[gor3sigil]

Your post about "why be a man when you could be a GNC woman" resonated so much with me. I'm a nonbinary transmasc person who still often has these kinds of thoughts about myself and it hurts so much. I guess it's this sort of weird feeling of guilt that I'm somehow degrading myself or being anti-feminist/misogynist for being transmasculine. Like, the fact that I hate being a woman somehow translates to "I hate women." I think a big contributing factor is all the rhetoric in queer spaces lately about how being a man can't possibly be as revolutionary or subversive as being a woman in any context (as though transmasculinity is the exact same as cismasculinity) and that I'd be doing a lot more for queer liberation and feminism if I just remained a woman. Plus, my mom knows I like to dress more masculinely but she's always gently pressuring me to be more feminine and I kind of feel like I'm betraying her too. It sucks because she otherwise is very feminist and very queer friendly, so I genuinely think it comes from ignorance rather than malice

There's also this fear that I'm "not doing enough" to justify my transmasculinity. Like I said, I dress pretty neutral/masc, but I don't bind (yet) and I'm not on T. I don't plan on getting surgery either. I'll likely never pass. It feels like I'm making a mockery of transmasculinity or watering down what it means to be transmasc, and that it'd be better if I just stayed as an androgynous woman instead of appropriating "real" trans men's experiences. I just feel like such a fraud.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I have a hard time articulating my feelings and I just wanted to vent a little...😭

(Just to be clear, I don't feel this way at all about other transmascs, just myself...)

Hi ! I totally understand that you're dealing with imposter syndrome. When I used to feel this way, ne thing that really helped me was to turn to queer history, and see how the people who paved the way for us came in "every shape". Trans people in history haven't always transitioned, some never did apart fropm whanging their names, yet they're still trans and they built the community we have today.

And I totally get the feeling you have about being "more useful" to the community as a GNC woman, I still get it from time to time. But queer men and mascs are just as queer, and have fought so hard too. You being yourself is enough. I don't really like how anti-masc the queer community has become these last few years. While I understand that it stems from people in the community being traumatized by cishet men, I think that it's a big, big step backward, and the way a lot of activists now are king of trying to erase masc individuals from our history is genuinely scary to me. But, while I'm mostly online and don't really participate in my local queer community for a variety of reasons, I think that part of it comes from a loud minority of online queer discourse. Not saying that it never happens IRL because I've seen it and have been a victim of anti-transmasculinity pretty badly in IRL queer spaces, but I think that the ratio is more online than offline. Still, it helps to know about our history, and remind people that queerness isn't fem only, it comes in a variety of ways, and that every one of us face similar hardships.

You are not betraying anyone.

[mommyghostface28]

Hey I need a little bit of advice. My bdsm partner is so possessive to the point it makes me feel controlled and like I did something wrong if I have friends I talk to outside of the time I spend with her. I get she's trying to control me but idk how to make it stop. My only knowledge of how to make it stop is to just disappear off of the social media sites she could contact me on and disappear from her life so she can't manipulate me. She wants me all to herself in an abusive way and it scares me....

I feel like it's my fault for the way she treats me...she probably misunderstood what I meant by telling her I find it lowkey sexy when a partner loves you so much they get a little possessive during sex....i certainly only meant in the way a domme says "youre all mine baby" during sex for dirtytalk or marking with hickeys etc and stated that clearly but she just isn't that way, she's the abusive manipulative type and I've attracted her and I wish I could leave this dom/sub dynamic....not her forcing me to isolate myself from the world and shaming me for talking to my friends....she gets sad and annoyed when I do and I just wanna keep crying thinking about this to type it....

She lovebombs me all the time after she hurts or upsets me...and she makes me go rougher during sex than I have told her Im able to handle. To the point it hurts but she continues and tells me im not done till she says so...and not in a sexy way but in a sexual assault (I've already called a safeword but she carries on)

I'm so sorry for venting here but as someoen who knows about domme/sub dymamics, please help....Idk what to do anymore...ibfeel trapped by them. And all she ever does is force me to show mer my naked body on camera despite me feeling uncomfy. And I was in pain today physically and felt sick, but she wasn't taking no for an answer when doing sexual stuff ... we've been together a month and I hate to think what my future will be like if I feel trapped already...

I am too scared to come forward by dms, and I realise we need to talk it through properly for advice, but I'd there any chance you can just reply publicly but inna way that keeps me anonymous? It's just I know she has my tumblr and I don't want her seeing my dms or getting suspicious of me as that'll make her angry and guilt trip me for reaching out.

All I need I guess is a public but anon reply for advice....thank you mommy...I've been one of your anons for a while but now that she has my tumblr, my dms aren't a safe space for me to ask for your support...

I feel so vulnerable rn mentally and keep feeling the need to slip into my littlespace but I don't feel at all safe around her... 😭

Love..oh my gosh :( this doesn’t sound healthy at all..this is coming from a Domme who’s possessive but definitely not like that. They sound toxic, the emotional abuse here is very apparent and I hate that they’re using bdsm as a way to execute it. A D/s dynamic does not give anyone the right to control someone like that. Isolating you from your friends, not taking no for an answer, all of it is concerning. My advice is to end things, as soon as possible. I don’t see any improvement here, they’re not a good person to engage with. I don’t feel there’s a conversation you could have with her that would change things. I’m sorry you’re going through this..they’re definitely not a good Dom(me).

If you can break things off safely, please do so. Then block them. Make it as clear as you can you want no contact whatsoever. I’m wishing you the best darling..keep my posted ❤️ be safe

[damnfandomproblems]

763632033850327040

TW.

I know I'm going off on a tangent here, but I want to say that people using the term "mouth breather" is always really disheartening. It's a huge gut-punch in a situation many people have been dealing with for decades.

Here's my deal: I've had sleep-disordered breathing since I was a kid. It started with bad nasal resistance issues, which meant I I couldn't breathe through my nose and had to use my mouth. Parents didn't do jack shit about it because they didn't know it was a big problem. And it totally messed up the formation of my skull. Now my jaw is slightly recessed, I have vertical maxillary excess, I can't fully close my lips, and my airway looks like a coffee straw (I've seen an MRI of this and it's totally pinched when I'm on my back, and even when I'm upright), so I can't even breathe through my mouth properly without a ton of noise and resistance. Every day, I wake up with a sore throat, dry mouth, and feeling like death. That "mouth breathing" has given me sleep apnea and UARS. CPAP doesn't help so I'm looking at a bilevel now and failing that, ASV. My jaw joint sounds like gravel and constantly clicks out of place.

And doctors don't do shit. I've seen three different ENTs for my nasal issues, and all three of them just scoped my nose and said "idk, looks fine". None of them actually looked at the skeletal structure of my face despite being fucking ENTs who are supposed to, you know, know everything about the nose. None of them actually thought, huh, I'm using the pediadric scope for your nose, that might indicate there is a bigger fucking problem than just your turbinates, which you've already had a reduction for. Nope. Nothing.

The one jaw surgeon I went to told me, "idk, I can give you a sliding genio, but that's it, I don't want to mess up your ~pretty face~ (yerk) by doing an advancement". When I literally need an advancement of some kind because my jaw and tongue is encroaching on my fucking throat.

Meanwhile, I've been suffering for 20 years thinking I had treatment resistant depression and insomnia when in reality, it was my shitty breathing and every day, currently stuck with a CPAP, I look at my data and breathing waveforms and I observe they look like they've been shot with buckshot. All my breaths are flat or ragged. I see myself constantly gasping because I can't get enough air. My DME (CPAP) provider won't even look at that data, because all they want to look at is a shitty single number that isn't even accurate, because CPAP machines are garbage with actually detecting breathing issues so they constantly spit out lower-than-reality numbers, especially for people with UARS.

Now I'm looking into double jaw surgery and EASE, and the initial consultations for each are months away. I can't do anything in the meanwhile. And the real fuck-shit part of this? I live in a country with "free healthcare", but the doctors can't even solve this. And the system moves way too fucking slowly. Twenty years of languishing, only to be told over and over "you must be a hypochondriac, it's just depression, we don't need to look at the data"? Fuck that. So I'm going to go into debt paying nearly 200k for double jaw surgery and for nasal expansion. I've considered killing myself over this plenty of times. I can't imagine how many people have killed themselves over this. All because they can't breathe through their nose.

From the bottom of my heart, fuck anyone who uses the word "mouth breather" like it's a fucking joke or an insult. Fuck them.

Sorry, I saw an opportunity to vent and took it.

Posting as a response to a previous ask.

[nightyraven-art]

Hello welcome to my cave, you can call me Ash/Sky/Asher I'm 23 yo I go by he/they/xem.

☆ Trans+demiboy and enbie, also demisexual

☆ I'm from Italy so my English is broken, I mainly post my art (I'm slow due to my situation at home etc might change later on)

☆ I have anxiety and interacting with others it's kinda hard for me but I'll try my best and my dms are open just remember i take some time to reply.

☆ I'm Nd (neurodivergent) suspecting of having adhd and other stuff.

☆ I struggle with expressing myself so I ask you to be patient, I have anxiety and can be overwhelmed easily so be aware.

My tags:

#ashyrants for when i rant sbt something

#ashyvents when I vent (I don't vent often)

#ashyask for when I got asks

#ashyart or #asherart for my rants

Usually I interchange tags with #Asher or #ashy

#ashyrequests for art requests

(I don't use most or sometimes)

☆ In the future I might open art requests but I'll only draw requests I'll be comfortable with or I'm able to draw. I'm very slow so if your requests isn't posted it's bc I'm taking time.

☆ Art trade are always open (I'm still slow)

I don't take commissions, sorry I don't have enough energy and time for commissions.

My inbox is open but if gets too overwhelming or crowded I might take time. Please don't spam a lot in there, I can get overwhelmed easily. If I don't feel in the mood for answering questions don't be upset. Sometimes I'm here to distract my mind

☆ Fandoms I'm in: Tloz, any linkmeet au, my ocs, dbh, the last Guardian (in the future I want to branch out more) , other Nintendo games and and other games as well. I might be self indulgent and post old fandoms at times.

☆ i like crows/raven and ferrets i might spam sometimes stuff of them, be prepared XD

Tloz games i have played or watched: botw(watched planning to play), Skyward Sword (partially played), Twilight Princess (partially played), totk( in progress), La (to finish)

☆ I'll eventually play the others once I gained more games

On my list: fsa, albw, mm, oot and botw

☆ I'm a freelance artist and my artstyle is very inconsistent (sometimes i draw on traditional), I'm currently working on my own projects and other stuff, in the future I want to start writing.

Currently working on my linkmeetau, my post-botw au and other projects

☆ I'd love to meet new people and new friends but I'm rather shy at times. I'd ask you to use tone tags because I struggle to understand tones most of the time.

DNi:

If you are racist, homophobic, transphobic, no proshippers, no pedos here, being hateful towards other minorities or anything under this line, no terfs!!

Be aware that sometimes I struggle with communicating, please be aware and clear. As mentioned I can get overwhelmed easily so don't be upset if I'm very slow it's nothing against you, I'm just struggling, thanks.

Don't be creepy or parasocial w me, I'm an adult.

Other socials

Insta: @nightraven_asher_art (somehow active)

Cara: nightravenasherart (barely active)

Discord: ash.jinx (if you dm me there please remember that I'm not always online there, atm requests are only for friends, might open them later or just ask)

Divider by: @firefly-graphics

[chaifootsteps]

Hi, so I've decided to call myself Ship Anon because that's all I've really talked about here. I just wanted to vent on here to you, because I don't really want to talk to people I know irl about Hazbin Hotel. I've been around in the fringes of the fandom since the pilot first came out. Like every fandom HH had its issues. There were definitely people who did not know how to act properly, but it feels like it has gotten so much worse lately.

It's become so normal for me to try to look up tags for RadioDust and having to scroll through posts stating how much they hate this ship. How much this ship shouldn't exist. How people who ship it are delusional. How we should just accept reality and get over it. It feels like a competition every day to see how many people each post can get to say "Oh I hate that ship too!". It feels like a competition on who can say the most outlandish thing in order to try and get the attention of the more widely known people in the fandom. In order to get a like or a comment from them. It doesn't feel like the tags of our own ship are safe anymore, because people will deliberately tag that ship in order to hate on it. A ship that used to bring so much comfort to me now brings me pain. They are slowly making me feel dirty for loving it.

The worst part is I'm not the only one who feels like this. There are so many people posting about how it feels like the fandom is eating itself away. One was just made today that had a lot of traction, and so many people tried to voice how much they cared and felt for the OP. But it felt so fake. It felt completely and utterly fake. Because I know some of these people turned around and started talking bad about a ship they don't like not to long after. When the Shay document first was posted some of these same people were commenting how it was clearly fake. People talking about how the document was made by the "haters" in order to defame Viv. They refuse to acknowledge how badly things have gotten.

People can try to defend Viv all they want and say she can't control what her fans do, but she can control what she likes and endorses. She's shown that sometimes if you say something out there enough she might comment of like your post. She needs to understand that the fandom will emulate what she does. As the fandom gets bigger the more of these voices come out. The more I feel smaller and smaller. The more I start to question if I wanna keep looking in as they tear apart something I cared about. Thankfully there are so many amazing artists and people who care about this ship. I try to stay positive and seek out the content they make. I try and protect still small little bubble I have left. I just hope when the next season comes out it doesn't get completely shattered.

You're most certainly not dirty and I'm so sorry this is happening. It shouldn't be like this at all, but as sad as it is to say it, Viv seems to thrive in it.

Just know that these people aren't worth your time and stress. Sometimes carving out little fandom nooks and curling up safe in them is the best thing to do. Find like-minded friends, create what you like, and have fun, because that's what fandom should be.

[abyssleaves]

Why I'll Be Remaining in the Lurking For Love Community

Ok.

Honestly, I really don't want to make this.

I'm way too old for fandom drama, and I don't need to be making myself a target. My gut is telling me that it's a bad idea to get involved, and I'm inviting trouble for myself by posting this.

But the most recent post against Tom is just ridiculous and I can't not speak my piece.

I'm not linking to it or reblogging it because I don't want to send hate anyone's way, and honestly because I'm going to block them as soon as this is posted. You can read mine and theirs for yourself and decide what you think.

As far as the “anti-Latino” posts that Tom liked, I can't speak to whether they do damage, or what Tom’s views actually are. I am not Latino, and I'm not Tom. It's not my place. But I will say I was aware of those posts long before I saw that “callout” post, and it's because multiple Latino artists I follow liked and retweeted them. At the time, I was given to understand that they were satirizing the fact that both were styles of stereotypes, but one was acceptable while the other was not, despite both being bad. I can't say, based on just those tweets, that I see any anti-Latino sentiment in Tom. I'm willing to admit that my knowledge on that front isn't bomb-proof.

The second point, well... I'm sorry to the friend that feels used. They're entitled to be hurt. And I will readily admit that I'm only able to respond to the info within that post. Maybe there IS more to it.

But I don't think that Tom ceasing contact over the hormones is surprising at all, from a mental health standpoint. Put yourself in his shoes: you're a trans person in US, which is its own struggle, and you've reached your mid/early 20s without being able to attain gender-affirming care. Now someone years younger than you just got the thing you want more than anything else. Sure, you might be happy for them. But that is also going to hurt, horribly. You really have three options:

1) stay friends and smother the bitterness/possible resentment. That will either end up ruining your mental health, or coming out and ruining the friendship anyway.

2) Ask your friend not to tell you/post about their transition. That makes it about you and also ruins something that should make them happy.

3) Distance yourself.

Maybe he should have spoken more directly with you about his feelings, granted. But, Tom has not been shy about the fact that he struggles with his mental health. None of us handle every situation well. As far as his occasional venting, I would think, if you WERE his friend, you might have some compassion, and either cease contact if the friendship is not fulfilling, or accept his sincere, well-written apology (Which are the ONLY words straight from Tom’s mouth on the entire fucking post).

Instead, you got the apology from him, and then shared a bunch of gossip between you and another friend, and outed your interpretations of his vent sessions to the world. That's not exactly classy, posting about how he sought people he felt safe with during a time when a big chunk of the community he built is telling him to do horrible things to himself.

I want to make it clear that I don't agree with all of Tom’s views as expressed on his initial explanation post. Again, many of them are issues that I don't feel are my place to get involved in, and therefore I stayed quiet at the time.

I'm aware that the justified and intense hurt felt by people in those communities can mean that even differing opinions feel like a slap in the face. You have every right to see Tom’s views as hurtful and choose to leave, and/or make a separate community for support. I don't blame people who are in those communities for doing so. This post is aimed at the obsessed minority that won't leave the tag/remaining fans/Tom alone.

All of the above being said, the reaction to Tom’s post is the most “touch grass” thing I have ever seen.

Tom liking one or two comics from a dark-humor comic artist so widespread on the internet that I didn't even know he had an actual page, or anything about him as a person (something Tom also stated) = Tom is a Nazi sympathizer.

Tom saying “I don't care for neopronouns, but I won't attack you for using them and will respect what everyone wants to be called” = Tom is a monstrous bigot.

The racism accusation has me especially 💀. All because he liked a post about help from an unexpected source and that we should be kinder to each other.

How on earth are you going to tell a POC that he doesn't know what racism is because he’s NOT THE RIGHT KIND OF POC? Do you hear yourself?

(FWIW, I also don't agree with kink at pride. Sorry. LGBTQ+ people are not "narsty little freaks"--yeah I SAW that post--they're people. They can be kinky, they can be vanilla, whatever. Kink has nothing to do with your orientation, and therefore it isn't part of Pride. Also, my guys, if you're having public sex/being nude at pride for kink reasons, then you're not part of the healthy kink community: safe, sane, and CONSENSUAL. Nobody around you consented to that. Similarly, while I feel that sex education for minors should be normalized in order to give them better tools to tell when they're being groomed, seeing strangers with no pants on is NOT education, that's involving minors in your fetish. And that's fucking gross. )

The LGBTQ+ community in the US is in a lot of trouble right now, and we have a very bad habit of eating our own. We divide and subdivide and allow ourselves to be carved up by a united conservative front.

We do not allow for differing levels of leftist beliefs, and we constantly accuse each other of being not POC/leftists/queer enough, or being the wrong kind, or using a term for ourselves that some other individuals don't like. A great deal of the bullying leveled against him is justified by others saying that he's choosing to support a party that will turn on him and cause him and others like him harm.

Well, to be honest, the only community I see doing that right now is this one.

The amount of disingenuous “OMG, just FYI everyone to everyone hurt by [situation], I’M not transphobic/a bigot, you're all welcome here 😌” posts from people, who did not read his post, did not link to or quote his post. Disgusting. You know very well that nothing in his explanation or in his actions throughout his time in the community pointed to any abuse ON HIS PART towards trans people, non-binary people, people of the Jewish faith, or POC. You're virtue signaling, you're putting lambs blood above your door to keep the baying mob away.

This is insane. When did differing opinions turn into this? You don't have to agree with Tom’s views on anything. You're welcome to not follow his accounts, not like his art, not buy his game. If you feel that his opinions are too severely different from yours, you should be allowed to leave the fandom without people telling you that you should do bad things to yourself because your opinions don't match theirs (sound familiar?).

But…please. Can we stop with this awful parasocial obsession with his personal page? You can't lie to yourself and call it anything other than literal stalking. It's creepy as hell, and it reflects more on you than on him, in the long run. People might agree with your outrage, but deep down, they're afraid of being the next target, and they stay quiet out of fear that you'll stalk them next and send a mob hurling abuse their way.

To Tom, I'm sorry that this happened to you. You didn't deserve anything even close to this level of vitriol and abuse. You started from scratch and created a character and story that I feel was something truly unique. You reached an incredible number of people's hearts with Lurking for Love and Jacob, and no matter what happens from here with both of them, you deserve to feel proud of that. I hope that you are ok. Being a public figure on the internet doesn't mean you don't have a right to private opinions or even just general privacy.

I'm not tagging any characters in this. I'm only tagging the game because I hope other fans get to see that they're not alone. I don't believe the tags should be polluted this way. If you have to discuss a creator, it should be in his tag and not in a fandom space.

I'm aware that there will be deliberate bad-faith readings of this, or nitpicking of things I didn't cover. Whoever wants to, go ahead and respond, but I've said what I came to say, and I have nothing more to add. My inbox is closed and I love the block button.