#I'm so fucking hopeless guys
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My friend got too busy with rehearsals (because I only talk to theatre kids apparently lol) to talk to me for a bit and now they're messaging again and I can feel my brainfellas evaporating
#NO#COME BACK#I NEED THEM#I'm so fucking hopeless guys#I DON'T GET CRUSHES#*shaking myself* YOU DON'T GET CRUSHES#FFFFF#they message me back and my mind goes BLANK and I'm just smiling like a fucking idiot#gooooooooood why am I like this
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do any other artists feel like. yeah you're a 'good artist' because you draw things that look nice, but like. TECHNICALLY? you're really not great
i really hate that i can recognise that yes, my art is good, but is it VARIED? is it dynamic?? is my anatomy good? is it full of texture and colour theory? do i know how to do This? can i do That? no, not really. and that's quite painful actually
#ramble#yes this is the artist's perspective bs and yes this is anxiety because it's 1am#and yes i'm forever learning and growing but also#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.#drawing my little guys is fun but i am not good enough for the industry right now and that fucking sucks#i really feel like if i walked into a studio with my portfolio right now they would laugh at me#one of those days where i wish i'd done a more useful degree y'know#i'm going back through the phase where i don't know what i'm going to be anymore and it's scary#some days i really want to give it up and never draw again and do something worthwhile because i Know my life would be easier#and i hate that something i love so much makes me feel so hopeless#signs that i should go to bed ^^^^#i will resume my pity party tomorrow
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nah cuz I would pass away if someone asked me if I was into them 😭 but CONGRATS ON GETTING THE DATE!! I hate to say we told you so, but we definitely told you so 😌💅
Bro I literally short circuited lmaoooo like it was not cute and I almost died fr. But yeah, date secured ahskaksk y'all were right 😭 it still feels so surreal lmao I'm still vibrating about it
#not snz#like what do you mean it doesn't have to be a hopeless crush forever ahdkaksk#I'm so scared I'm gonna fuck it all up ahskkaksls#like I've never dated anyone and the most I've ever done is peck a couple friends on the lips bc we were thirteen and curious 😭#idk how to do any of the relationship stuff like where tf is the instruction manual#and i know damn well this guy has dated people and i have to assume he's got a body count#which is fine obviously but i have no experience here like I'm completely out of my element 😭#idk like maybe I'm way overthinking it but I'm still like 😩#need to circle back to the concerns bit of the conversation bc i have several now lmao#like i feel like they're concerns for (hopefully) way later down the line#but i don't wanna be months into this and then realize that we're incompatible for one reason or another#like i need all the potential deal breakers laid out now so neither of us waste our damn time ahsksjksdk#i guess i can bring it up on Saturday 😭#it should be an in person conversation i just know I'm gonna be so fucking awkward 😭#hopefully that's part of my charm to him bc he seems to like all the other things about me that i don't particularly like myself LMAO#anyway on a completely different note#wtf do cishet men even like ahdkakskak like can i send him cute little wholesome memes or is that weird#I'm too gay for this shit lmao why would i do this to myself#like do i get to send him sweet little texts or do they not like that kinda thing#i wanna romance him i just don't know how ahdkkakss maybe I'll bake him something idk#I'll sleep on it i guess lmao#partner posting
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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects
#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar#no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new#but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term#so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now#so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but#it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out#that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance#so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial#but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal#although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive#i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary#ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness#which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days#and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself#im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles#but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy#and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me#i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this#i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself#im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body#im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up#and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please#and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching#between numbness and overwhelming agony#what the fuck am i talking about
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something distinctly sad & frustrating internally about watching someone go through something chronically awful & similar on the face of it to your own horrors & wanting to reach out and talk to them about it to offer support & knowing that by nature of the similarity that is almost definitely the last thing they want/need & so you have to sort of watch from afar and psychically beam your words at them and hope it clicks soon
#the paradox of never wanting to be a burden. of becoming someone that doesnt annoy anyone#is that you feel guilt for talking about the pain with others#and so. you falsely but understandably think isolation will be the perfect solution#''if i isolate then im suffering but if no one hears about it no one cares and no one is bothered so i win''#is a fundamentally cruel take. is the thing. and it is so hard to accept that because of the guilt and the feeling that there is no winning#but the thing is when you isolate and suffer people are now both worried about you and feel discarded. feel hopeless. etc.#and i dont think you should do everything for others. and i think when you are making choices for others it is worth being#realistic about what you are deciding for them and knowing when it is irrational#bc the thing is people do care and that does feel uncomfortable#and you do feel guilty for people being ''bothered'' by your suffering#and i understand the instinct to say no! the point of me isolating is so you dont feel bad about me! stop caring!#thinking this is the righteous thing to say to someone when really it is just something that hurts to hear#i'm still learning it too. i'm not perfect at it. i'm chronically suicidal and always going back and forth with myself about all the horrors#two things:#1) guilt is not absolute as an indicator of rightness. learn to recognize when it is lying to you.#2) the best way to unburden yourself to others is to not kill yourself. to find hope or curiousity or whatever will keep you alive and#grab it fiercely with both hands. to start to be kind to yourself when it's hard and to at least recognize the goodness of others#instead of cruelly dismissing them. i don't think therapy is the only answer or even the best answer. i think too much is too expensive#to suggest anything that isnt something you can do on your own#and it is fucking hard and feels impossible and you'll have a lot of bad moments with it but like. i know you can get to a place where#you're not cured but you're not cruel anymore. and it gets easier from there#ugh none of this will ever get to that guy but i just really wish him the best and ill respect his wishes and not think abt it anymore#but just for the record that does hurt bc i care about people and it sucks when im not allowed to but thats his perogative and#he is his own person and i just really hope things look up for him soon bc hes cool and has nice art
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I've never been a "born in the wrong generation" type of guy because for So Many reasons I would be dead. Full stop like I would have died during childbirth I would have died of appendicitis age 8 and that's not even factoring in my queerness and neurodivergency and ultimately my mental health (carefully maintained thanks to support/modern advances in medicine and treatment). On Top Of That my hobbies include The Video Game and many such things that are of modern invention (adjacently: including The Device I'm typing this out on right now which has become my main avenue of communication to the outside world)
But I'm just saying that. It WOULD be nice. To exist in a world where fluorescent lighting doesn't exist and everything is possibly 99% less overstimulating all of the time forever.
#and like. a little less capitalist dystopia. i could do with less of that.#but focusing primarily on my own struggle. it's just a bummer sometimes like#i genuinely had fun!!! w my sisters and friends!!! esp at the arcade w ddr that is ALWAYS so fun#but man you can't even take me to your own damn house unless if you're ready to accept vampire rules.#my sister can/does dim the lights if i ask and i don't mind asking it's just fucking crazy to me like#damn uoy guys live like this. bright ass lights ten diff convos at once music in the bg. what if i died on this beanbag#BUT. THAT IS. one thing that is very nice i AM allowed to die on the beanbag!!!!!!! i'm allowed to cozy up and rest#while everyone does their own thing and i can listen in and chime in every now and again. severely underrated tbh#i really only feel a little hopeless when i think about like. public spaces where the only thing i can control is myself#IF i am ever employable again my requirements would be. no florescent lighting. i will die.#which like. kind of limits my prospects.#i do enjoy outdoors/physical work actually though so. i'm just limited bc i have to bind.#i am. so severely. banking on top surgery working out. it won't be a cure-all but by god it WILL open up my options#plus the. constant fatigue. of binding. but not binding is even worse. i need divine intervention (surgery)#SAD. well there are other people in yhe world#but man rhat is like my fave joke to make but i feel so much sadness attached to it. the world will move on without me.#there are a million other people who are far more capable. much 'easier'. ect.#and i know the answer is well there's only one me and there are a handful of people who love me. who keep me and include me#i am very thankful for that.#it's just a bit of a bummer sometimes. i stay silly and have the most fun i can but i am a little sad about it.
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It sucks so many people love me and I'm trying so hard to live because my mom is my biggest hater and it really is. something to birth a child and do this to 'em, y'know?
#i'm not gonna exactly say it's a failure to be a mom on her part since i do suck at following instructions#<- says guy who is going to get a disability card for his autism#idk i think it's somewhat telling if your child gets very affected by a fucking asmr audio; the speaker saying they're proud of them.#ahahhah. boyfriends. dear boyfriends. my own drugs that i rely on day to day to live. an addiction that's so sweet.#even if it makes me more insane and hopeless in the long run i need to have these doses of fleeting joy.#negative#/negative
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Going through the Fleabag tag and every post is about that fuckass priest and not a moment of the wonderful fucking heartwrenching season of television I just watched
#Maybe I'll regret this post in like an hour when I've started season two but FUCK IT#Like man I get it guys I'm a hopeless romantic too#But what that first season has to say about non romantic love has me fucking realing#Like. Did your brain just skip over that. Did that not affect you the way it did me.#Trust me I love religious imagery and romance between broken people and so on#But I also love my friends. And my brother. And my parents. In many different and incredibly painful ways#That I feel were so well reflected in that first season#FUCK#I need to be a hater somewhere okay everyone I know is asleep just a little bit of being a hater#And then I'll watch the second season and be right there with you just give me this for a moment#Fleabag#bobo.txt
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I'm seriously hanging on by a thread right now I might just go drop dead 😭
#work has just been really overwhelming today I'm going to crack#I hate people#I almost broke down in front of the usher manager today because our radio died while we were falling behind becaus3#one of the theatres got out slightly late and set us back for like 45 minutes because everything was gettinf out one on top of the other#on complete opposite ends of the theater#amd it's not a small building guys#and I was already angry because there was a huge spill in a theater earlier I had to get a mop for and it was a pain in the ass#then we started falling behind and when we fall behind I get really stressed so I jad to ask the usher manager for help to catch up when we#were switching radios and even with his help we didn't catch back up until JUST NOW because we're on a 30 minute set break#and I've jusy been stressing and running around the theater and I want to go home and cry and drop dead#I'm so hot and tired and drained amd my legs have been sore for DAYS and this is NOT helping and I hate it here and I qant a real job#like I'm fucking 24 years old this shouldn't be the best I can do but trying to find anything else to get out of here has been IMPOSSIBLE#and I just feel so hopeless and helpless and trapped and miserable#I'm so angry and sad and tired and in pain and miserable all the time now#and it's awful and I hate it I don't wanna be that wah anymlre#I can't even type oh my god#I'm dying#abby's having a crisis
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in all honesty the mazov/nilsen final meeting probably was not as tranquil as the inframaterialism book suggests or if it was there’s a fridge horror component
#cw suicide mention#sorry to be making patho comparisons again but i'm reminded of daniil at the end of haruspex route in classic and 2#in both cases he deliberately lies or misdirects artemy away from something that is making him suicidal#in classic it's more blatant. he told artemy he'd shoot himself if thanatica is lost and then we know it IS from daniil's route#but he says he's going back to his lab in the capital like nothing is wrong#and in p2 he's sort of dodging questions about how very pursued by the government he is and how hopeless his situation might be#so you know. same thing here. the irony of them reading each other's surface level thoughts and mazov is assuring that he's fine#and it's a lie. a mind lie#sorry I just love to make myself sad about these fucking guys
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oh god oh fuck I just had. A Thought.
ok so. remember when I said some posts ago that if I ever wrote a sequel to the sequel to Maul fucks some guy it would be a "I'm horny and it's making me go kinda crazy and I don't care we can pretend it didn't happen just fuck me" kinda thing. and remember I have a currently on hiatus wip about Maul warning Obi-Wan about Sidious before Dooku dies that involves them fucking in a spaceship. what if I. combined these concepts......
#hm i should make an original post tag#obimaul#making it part of this both gives a good 'conclusion' to the 'fucking some guy' saga and adds some tasty flavor to that wip#which tbh needs the flavoring. it started as a very pointless short thing and i got stuck because idk where i'm going with it#and this. this would be delicious.#make him go to his enemies for help because he hates sidious so much. with the added flavor of the conflicting wants inside him‚#not knowing obi-wan feels the same conflicting wants for him. both keeping their distance because they don't want to complicate it.#and in the fic. maul took them into wild space for extra privacy because he's a bit (justifiably) paranoid.#and their ship gets stranded for a bit because the navicomputer gets disoriented.#so they're gonna be trapped together in a ship. stressed and hopeless and not sure how they feel about each other.#both because of maul reaching out to tell him about sidious‚ placing him at least partially on the jedi's side‚#and because of the Thing with the shapeshifter#so. yeaghhhh#excellent Thought i think#which means the sequel sequel is. already started. by accident
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I am not going to lie— the biggest reason why I am still in the Warrior Nun fandom, aside from Thekla and Sylvia, is because I have a huge crush on someone within the fandom. I am not just talking about "casual crush" where you smile when she passes by on my dashboard, or where I have a crush on her because I've seen her face and she's pretty. I am, honest to God and Jillian Salvius, crushing on this woman hard.
I have a huge crush on her because she's so intelligent, and eloquent, and deep; I can drown in her. For the past months, I've been trying to identify my problems and habits when it comes to romantic love (non-existent) so I will be ready when the best woman for me actually comes. I'm still in the process of shadow work but, damn, I want to drown in her. I want to listen to what she thinks of the world, of the news, of the weather; I want her to hear mine, too. (And I do have a lot of opinions on a lot of things.) I want to know her habits, and routine if she has one. I do not even care how she looks, where she lives, but I want to know how her brain works. I just... want to know her. No matter how deep she wants us to go. But I know this is hopeless.
I do not even know her intimately, FFS. (Although that could be debated since I have read all her works and am familiar with her writing style and choice of words; this is another kind of intimacy, I think.) I am just so, so impressed and taken by her. I know it is frangible, this attraction to the idea of her, but she is solely the reason why I am writing almost every night again.
I thought I was done with joining a fandom and writing for it because of something that happened years ago. Apparently not, because, well, I just found a new muse.
#Libra Venus and their problem of falling in love with potential#this lesbian is having girl problems when she does not even have one#give mercy to this poor lesbian's heart#this screams I AM SOOOO STEREOTYPICAL LESBIAN#oh shit I just realized I am like Anna from Frozen#who tf wants to marry a (wo)man she just met#but in this case it is worse because we do not even know each other THAT deeply#Lord have mercy on us or something#I am losing my mind over here#if y'all know who she is no you do not#if you know who you are please know that someone over here (me) admires you so much#I even manifested to the Universe for you to have the good and exciting love you deserve because I do not know if you are single or not#see how bad that was guys? I told you I'm hopeless... HOPELESS#I am so fucked but here we are
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Me when i dream of lil Mika but it's another nightmare
#and this one was so stressful bc like#i dreamt he was indeed my s/o but he was so controlling#like i was so stressed out felt like a trapped deer trying to gather a support circle so i can get away from him and he just kept ruining it#all for me. fucker learnt my native lang just so he could monitor my conversation with my family🤕#at one point he made me agree to marry him and dream me did just bc she was absolutely terrified of him????#girl just beat his ass ?????????#but like jokes aside i'm still in that ''just woke up from a nightmare'' mood so i still feel the adrenaline so i still get#why he was so scary like. i didn't know he knew my lang until he threatened me and told me i'm not allowed to speak to#my family anymore (bc i tried to get my dad to help me) and he was very. pushy with se.xual stuff#which like here's a fun fact but i'm a hypochondriac and i find it very hard to bond with people so i just kinda#accepted that i'm waiting for marriage (which is easier to explain than ''i need to REALLY trust you'' and agreeing to marriage is on that#level anyway) so when i TRIED to get him to stop by telling him i don't want to before i have a ring it did fuck-all to stop a guy#who was just like ''well we ARE getting married so what's the problem''😔😔😔😔#i woke up before he did anything tho which i'm thankful for bc every time i dream of being sa'd it feels like it reopens old woundd#and it takes me a while to actually calm down from it#i will say tho. it's a vibe to dream of thingd you consider hot in concept but terrifying irl (controlling/abusive men <3)#bc like you know in-dream it FEELS like it's real life i really didn't care that it was Mika and he's not real it was reality for me#and so it was terrifying i was crying every time i'd get a hope of getting away from him he'd ruin it for me very swiftly etc etc#like i'm still stressed out. but. the concept? like now that i know i'm safe and none of that was real? i just think o-kayyyyyyyyy#lmfjsjsnmemdksks i'm hopeless. but not really! confirmation i'm actually normal just like certain things from the safety of fantasy
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face reveal
#vent in tags#Erm sorry guys not to be personal on my personal blog but#i'm so fucking miserable.#constantly.#i try to be happy i really do i mean i have friends and two partners and a wonderful dog and a roof over my head and food and i have so muc#i have so much to be happy and thankful over and wonderful friends i get to talk to Every Day#yet all it does is give me a distraction. something to focus on and as soon as it's gone i get reminded how fucking bleak everything is#i'm so miserable#i'm constantly drowning in my own fucking misery and i don't know how to stop.#i can't afford therapy and i can't ask my family to pay for it for me bcuz my mother doesn't have the money either#and even if she did would i even go?#i've isolated myself from everyone. it's been years since i've last talked to someone irl (that i don't live with). my life is so empty#and all it does is make me feel worse#even when i'm fixated on an interest or two my daydreams of it are completely ruined by my misery bleeding into it lmfao#when i'm not thinking about how awful i feel i'm thinking about dying and when i'm not thinking about dying i'm thinking about how hopeless#my future is and rinse and repeat it just repeats and repeats and Repeats#i say i can't remember my days because i have a bad memory but the truth is it's because every day is the fucking same#every day i do the same shit i drown in my misery work a little or focus on something i'm into for like an hour before laying in bed and#thinking about dying Again and it just repeats over and over every hour every day every week every fucking month#i'm so miserable.#i want to kill myself. i want to die; but i know i'm too much of a fucking pussy to do it now lmfao#i want to die
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red fucking alert guys someone's flirting with my longtime crush by sending him editions of gay wwi poetry. i can't compete
#i give up#lol#:/#tagged under “yeah man the guy i post about. that guy”#one day i'll fucking figure all this out right? one day. i'm visiting him next weekend for a few days#now why is my immediate response “fine then i give up. i'm so tired. god. fuck”#we've had a ???!!!????? going for almost a year?? bffs with bffenefits?#he's one of my closest pals#but he also is a) a hopeless romantic and#b) ugh man this is the guy who looks me in the eyes saying “pls murderboner i need a big dick goth man. dick optional” and “ur my favorite”#saying shit like “50% of gays don't know when ppl are flirting with them” and “i wanna be someone's mr darcy” and “if only we'd worked out”#i'm tired man wtf#maybe i'll just slam some negronis next weekend and be like [REDACTED] HOW DO YOU GODDAMN FEEL ABOUT ME. BE REAL FOR ONCE#but. DO I EVEN LIKE HIM#my heart is getting like fatigued just typing this fuck man i give up
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Slowly but steadily indoctrinating my 45yo mom into anime, wish me luck
#she LOVES Aggretsuko#thanks to me who showed it to her INSISTING she will like it#then as step 2 i showed her Kimi No Na Wa cause she's a hopeless romantic and a softie#she already knew Spirited Away cause I watched that movie as a kid so inevitably she knew it too#wasn't charmed by neither kingdom of cats or howl's moving castle tho so I had to take it a different way#next im thinking maybe princess mononoke cause she's a sucker for Pocahontas and I'm guessing it's similar????#haven't seen it myself so ill have to before I show her that#also silent voice i need to show her that#again hopeless romantic and a softie#i think we could work our way to like spy x family#mom hates violence so any violent anime is a no-go#unless the whole message is violence bad#i *could* show her death note that's dubbed in our language omg can you imagine#my pacifist mom watching death note like damn i think that light kid kinda has a point#help i dont watch slice of life very much i get booooored#if sport isn't treated like a life or death battle or there's no ACTUAL life or death battle what's the point#you guys don't understand my mom is watching ANIME with me#my dad watched one bnha movie with me and was like 'what in the holy fuck is going on and what the hell are they saying' the whole time#(i was watching on the tv and he had nothing better to do)#(i was loosely explaining and he wasn't getting any of it)#last time I got my mom into mcu and she basically dropped it after infinity war cause 'whats even the point anymore?'#could get her into bnha????#i mean she DID enjoy the mcu up until people started dying cause again softie#but i think it's a bit too dramatic for her hehe#my mom#anime
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