#I'm probably a masochist and I like to make myself suffer

[marigoldwriter]

I was rewatching shogun's ep 5 and like: Damn, everyone just gets fucked in Ajiro, what a shitty place, God. It was misfortune after misfortune.

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, Season 2, Episode 9, "Run Away Little Boy". Part 2

You can read my previous reviews here.

If you have to keep repeating something out loud like this, it probably isn't true. Every time Rory or Lorelai say Rory's relationship with Dean is "a really good thing going right now", God plucks a whisker off a kitten. TWWGG= We Make Weird Metaphors.™

The Time Traveler hath returned (after a stop for a quick shave, apparently). I forgot to add that in the middle of all this DL/Rory/Dean drama, Lorelai went on her date with TT and had fun but twas not meant to be but she was happy to discover she could Date Casually ™ after Max.

A crystal clear Tomatos Sign spotting! Lorelai to Rory, who is stifling laughter: What? Say it! Rory: Nothing, I always wanted a little brother. Lol. And we have another scene for the Rory's Bizarre Food-Related Habits Hall of Fame. Rory picks up her burger and walks out of the diner without putting it into a to-go box. Is this the neatest burger ever that doesn't drip grease or ketchup? Like the time she walked out with a piece of French toast in her hand with no syrup dripping down her uniform? Luke's Diner Motto: Do You Think We're Made of To Go Boxes Or Something? Carry Your Own Food.™

I kind of look like Lorelai right now after the suffering this episode has put me through. Lorelai apparently talked about Luke on her date with Time Traveler or at least has mentioned Luke on some other occasion. Time Traveler even knew about Rachel. STOP. EVERYTHING. A MIRACLE HAS JUST OCCURED IN STARS HOLLOW! LORELAI PAID FOR HER FOOD!

Luke In My Gritty Gilmore Girls Reboot titled "The Hollow": "You are hereby banned from this establishment. Get the fuck out."

God, Dean is so creepy. And not to say I'm an expert on Shakepeare, but Tristan reciting Shakespeare was...wow. That was some of the worst line reading I've ever heard, ChadMIchaelMurrayDietLogan.

The lips are getting reaaaal thin!

While looking straight at Dean, making Rory panic that he's about to tell Dean about their kiss, but he turns it around and pretends he was just talking about a scene from the play. Sneaky, disgusting, an absolutely vile piece of dog shit either way.

Honestly if I were Rory the sweet release of death would be preferable to being alive and having to suffer these two Butts With A Capital B.

Let's all Take Five and have an Ancient Cellphone Break.

Lips are realllly thin. Practically invisible.

I don't know how much longer I can tolerate this shit stain talking to Rory like this. How is this the fourth or fifth time I've suffered through this show? Why am I doing this to myself? Am I that masochistic? I'm in pain. Dean is such a piece of shit that I am concerned for Jared Padalecki himself, in the same way that Milo Ventimiglia's mother thought he had suffered some kind of unspoken childhood trauma because he played dark villains so believably. Are you ok, JarPad? How are you this believably awful?

This is horrible. I want to shut it off. There are 9 minutes left in the episode. Ugggggggggh. Poor Rory. PUNCH HIM! PUNCH HIM! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! The next episode is the Bracebridge Dinner. My second favorite episode and a shining beacon of of light, joy, minimal drama, and Jess galore in his ugly brown winter coat. You can do this, TWWGG. You can do this.

Oh my god my blood is just BOILING right now.

Portrait of the author.

Let's take turns. Something should absolutely fall on your head, but also, I really need something big to fall on mine right now. I would welcome the sweet, sweet unconcious state where when I wake up this episode is over and I'm watching The Bracebridge Dinner. (Context: Lorelai is annoyed because everyone is calling her a pedophile). (Because of her date with the Time Traveler, not because she's absolutely having an affair with 17 year old Dean Forrester). Luke is grumpy with her for going on a date with this guy. Jealous or something. Whatever. I'm tired of these men. Sure, Jess has not made any appearance in this episode yet. But with 5 and half minutes left to go, my pain and suffering is about to be rewarded in other ways. With one tiny scrap and one medium scrap to gnaw on and one big, big juicy hunk of meat. Justice, thy name is Amy Sherman Palladino! (and Chad Michael Murray leaving for another TV show). The small scrap:

Lane's face while she's watching Henry. My girl is feeling things. Stirring, yearning, Un-Christian things. The medium scrap: Paris taking Diet Logan's part as Romeo to Rory's Juliet. Sweet. And the big one:

DIET LOGAN IS GONE!!!!! GONE GONE GONE GONE!!!!!!!! WHO CARES WHY!!! HE BROKE INTO A SAFE OR SOMETHING WHO CARES!!! GOODBYE!!!! *PUNTS HIM IN THE ASS*

Look at Dean creeping again in the background!!! But I'm so happy we're back down to only one clown instead of two!!!! Wait, there's still Christopher. Still two clowns left. God damn it. #ClownMath He's getting shipped off to military school lol he'll be eaten alive probably lol BYE

Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya #BYE "Take care of yourself Mary." Ahahah I won't have to hear anyone call Rory a stupid nickname again because I'm not watching this show past season 4 ever again and I won't have to suffer through Full Calorie Logan calling her "Ace" yay!

Ahhhh. *breathes in* Everything just feels...a little more right once more.

A sea of confusion.

Dean: Did you and Paris actually kiss or was that just a stage thing? Shut up. The episode ends on a sweet little note of Luke & Lorelai talking about how they can rely on each other. Not even a drop of Jess in this episode. Not even a shot of him in the background cleaning the counters. Nothing, zip, nada. But... BRACEBRIDGE DINNER NEXT!

[liliallowed]

listen some of these fics I genuinely can't take the plot seriously with how ooc it is.

like yes he'd be a fuking edge Lord but he wouldn't stoop THAT LOW.

neither would crimson! they might stab him and kill him but THAT!? ooooh boi. he's ANYTHING but a toy to them. he's their playmate. he's on equal grounds. they RESPECT him.

there's like unsaid ignored boundaries they both respect...

like crimson REALLY doesn't mind his insults or whatever he does to their vessel. they're a self destructive sadistic masochist with probably a degradation kink or something but HE WOULD NOT FUCKING enable them. ironically it's like: wait if I make them suffer or torture them they're happy and will probably even enjoy it... so what hurts them best I'd to give them the silent treatment.

he'd probably just face palm and just stab them in the face before things escalate to more awkward tension.

like... crimson would do that they wouldn't take him for granted they don't want to own his soul.

even if he was drunk. heck even if he was the one who was acting flirty they'd drop the flirtatious act and like... say: dude. I sure about this? or are you just on the path of self destruction and giving yourself more reasons to call yourself for being with me? look I literally don't care what you want to do with me cuz I don't matter. you do. are YOU one hundred percent on board with this. no psychological games- AY. NO don't listen to the voices. LOOK AT ME. no mind games. this shits serious.

they say like holding his face like the idiot sandwich meme.

and then he looks at them with a poker face. yes I am sure. please stop treating me like I'm a danger to myself more than I am to you.

(⁠◉⁠‿⁠◉⁠) bich you're not a danger you're a fucking menace.

[allegramoon175]

Details regarding my current project involving making covers of the OMORI OST

There may be weirdness with the instrumental when compared to the soundtrack. This is because I'm using the game files.

- Obviously, not every song will be covered. Various reasons for why a song may be skipped:

It's on the Hikikomori Route and this is a musical-esque format assuming the true ending (ex. "You Cannot Go Back")

It's optional side content (ex. "BREADY STEADY GO")

It's an area battle theme (ex. "Tussle Among Trees")

It's a more minor track that isn't very important (ex. "Good For Health, Bad For Imagination", despite this being a possible reason for axing, I'm still planning on including a possibly bloated number of tracks out of stubbornness.)

It's extremely short, ambient, or otherwise hard to write lyrics for (ex. "Spaces In-Between")

Some tracks might get included if I make fuller musical videos, or as their own side thing that isn't considered part of the main project.

3. There will be some shenanigans where some tracks will be merged together into one video, and some will appear out of order. (ex. "Sugar Star Planetarium" will not appear until near the end of "Act 1"/the prologue despite being much earlier in the OST, due to my choice to specifically cover it as its slowed appearance near the end of the in-game prologue)

The titles will still have their numbers as they appear in the OST, but in lists of tracks in video descriptions and the playlists they will appear in the intended order of listening.

4. I am the only person involved in this, which is probably bad. There are certainly some songs that would work better with multiple people. For example, both (002) "WHITE SPACE" and "Lost At A Sleepover" have parts written that should really be a chorus, and they overlap with the main part, except it's just my voice so the results are subpar. Parts of male characters will also suffer.

The reason I am making my musical-esque song cover project a single person and not asking for help is because I have no directorial experience, and there was already an Omori song cover musical recently by Grey-Spark. Even though the scopes of the projects would be massively different (my scope is masochistically larger, and if I do eventually make this into a full musical it would hopefully include extra previously cut moments in-between lyricized songs and possible extra smaller packages of otherwise cut content), I've considered doing this since before learning of that particular project, and my lyrics are written by myself, it still feels like I would be copying somehow. Perhaps this is something to look into at a later date.

[asheimmortal]

Maybe I'm crazy, but I think Fangbanger is the best band on the planet right now.

And I found them on TikTok only a few months ago, then drove across the country from West Virginia to Oregon to see them.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm seriously messed up in the head because I can't remember if I ever listened to any other band this much. And there have been a few, but those few have a lot more albums. But I'm listening to the same 19 songs a hell of a lot now. We'll get to that in a minute.

I grew up on Duran Duran and they've been my #1 favorite band no matter what else comes along since their first album. When I was a little kid, I knew I was alone in the world, and all I had were the Duran Duran tapes my aunt gave me to help me make sense of life and figure myself out with. So music has always been how I relate to the world and move through life. The next big one was Nirvana during high school, as I related a lot to them too. At 20 I got into Rammstein more just liking the heavier sound tbh. At 30 I was introduced to Twiztid and the older stuff felt relatable, but as I got older, like over 40, I reverted back to my classic rock, 80s & some early 90s.

But here at 45, I've got a new #1 favorite band and I'm probably old enough to be their momma. LOL But they are so fucking great!!!

I can't really put my finger on what it is, or how to explain it. I loved their energy from the start, from the first live from their garage that I saw, it's like what it must've been like for the older Gen X'ers who went to punk, post punk & goth shows as teenagers in the early 80's when I was still in elementary school. But it's definitely something that can't be faked. Just the same as my other new favorite band One Way Sky is, totally different band, but they authentically have this blend of chill 70s rock & 90s alternative vibe going. To compare, I remember hearing White Stripes when they first came out and thought they sucked because they're trying too hard to sound and look like they're from the 70s. So it's definitely something special to organically have that vibe and sound and feel and energy, like it could have come from another time. And be super relevant to someone my age too. Yeah, that's why I like both of these young bands. And with their energy, and how cool they are, their music, in some small way they make me feel like I'm 18 again when I listen to them. And I think they are everything I wanted to be when I grew up.

The first song I really related to and felt was Vertigo, then when I heard Disappear, yeah it certainly fit what happened at that time and it was a good driving force to get me to literally disappear 2600 miles away like "🖕 you I'm gone!" LOL And another older one that is absolutely great is Death in December. I really did cry the first time I heard it. It's such an amazing song!

So it definitely takes some work to find all of the songs that they've ever put out into the world, and I've counted 19 between YouTube, Spotify, and SoundCloud where there is more of the older stuff. And even with YouTube, you'd need to know that they were The Faint Endless before becoming Fangbanger. So here's the list I got:

Isolate

Artificial Flowers

Light Switch

Vertigo

Once a Catholic, Always a Masochist

Don't Cry

Malice in Wonderland

Plan B

Disappear

Requiem

We Were Once Invincible

Celestial Revenge

Take Me Down

Horrible Things

Death in December

Love Object

Midnight Son

Stay Away

I Love Huffing Paint

And the unfinished song they played on their live yesterday is as great and I cant wait to hear that again. I just think they're fucking fantastic, I love their wild energy, some of the songs or even some lines from other songs are so intense, like they know my 45 of years of pain and suffering, and some stuff is just plain fun and fun to see live. If you like vampires, you should check out their latest release, Midnight Son. 😈🧛😁 And that'll take you to a playlist where you can hear a lot of their stuff. But def go buy their songs on Amazon or Apple.

I've left links all throughout the post for you to go check them out and follow them. I hope I can get more people listening to them.

[karanseraph]

Possibly spoilers, even though I personally did not yet see the movie, but have allowed myself to see spoilers.

I feel about the descriptions of this interaction between Starscream and Megatron kinda the way I feel about each new continuity deciding how much they are going to assign Autobots as good and Decepticons as evil and how they will go about doing so.

It feels sometimes like an entiy is out there saying: "I didn't like that sympathetic interpretation you had, so I'm going to 'fix' it in this continuity so you can't have that interpretation here.

I have no idea if this is a literally true thing that happens.

I'm just saying, out here being a fan all this time and seeing the different continuities within the larger franchise, it can be received as someone out there writing and telling you your interpretation was bad so they're going to really make sure you know in their continuity it's a certain way and you can't have that interpretation here.

Anything to do with gender and whether robots can have it is one of these.

How much the Cybertronian characters suffer from bioessential programming and how that effects any in or out-of-universe moral judgements is one of these.

How much any one side was ever oppressed and/or freedom fighter is one of these, and which side(s) it was.

Starscream is central in several of these types of issues, like how much he's abused or not, masochistic and/or sadistic or not, how much he's trying to gain approval or not, how much he's traitorous or loyal or not...

There's probably other examples.

Sometimes it bothers me.

But I also write fics in this fandom. So, if I don't like a certain version, I just go write fics that make it work a different way. Which is like...probably me doing that thing that I say others are doing, only they are in a position to establish canon.

Spoilers for TF One.

Considering I've seen all of one person voice dislike for the movie, this might be a rhetorical question, but does anyone else find it kinda disturbing that they had Starscream goading Megatron to hit him? Or, to put it another way, that they had arguably the most abused character in the franchise goading his most frequent abuser to hit him? Specifically while he was being choked to the point of permanent damage?

I will readily admit that I'm predisposed to think the worst of canon when it comes to Starscream (and after EarthSpark, all my trust issues have been exacerbated). I also really do not like headcanons where Starscream provokes Megatron because he likes being hit, or where he sounds like he does because Megatron damaged him. So maybe I'm just reading too much into this, and reacting negatively because now I'm going to see two of my least favorite Starscream headcanons everywhere (and now that one of them is canon, some people are going to act like it's canon in other continuities, which is. Great).

Anyway. It feels like the writers didn't want to deal with Starscream and Megatron having an abusive dynamic. So instead of just, y'know. Not writing one. They decided to have Starscream "ask for it" instead. I mean, they apparently name-dropped Skyfire, you can't tell me no one on the team knew people would treat it as masochism (instead of the machismo it was probably meant to be). It's Starscream, there is no context in which he could provoke an opponent like that and not have people see masochism. But the fact that he specifically goaded Megatron - again, while receiving permanent damage - is just. Really uncomfortable to me. Especially since Starscream is apparently just fine afterward.

Cybertronians are not easy to damage permanently. Normally I refrain from extrapolating things that were true in one continuity onto others, but they're robots. Logic dictates they can repair a far wider range of injuries far more easily than humans can, even if there are still limits to what can be fixed. And voice boxes are one of those things that have been repeatedly shown being difficult to repair. I could accept Starscream being used to battle damage and shrugging it off if it was repairable, but it isn't. Why is he fine afterwards when irreparable damage is so out of the ordinary for Cybertronians? Even if he assumed it was reparable, voice boxes are a known permanent damage risk, so why isn't he at least a little concerned about that?

The whole thing just feels poorly thought out. Even if they weren't trying to handwave any future violence between Starscream and Megatron, they clearly weren't interested in how Starscream would realistically respond to the situation. And yes, people handle serious injuries differently, but considering who we're talking about, I can't see it as an innocent "this version of the character isn't that bothered by injury". It feels too much like they needed to get Megatron in position to lead the Decepticons and also wanted Starscream to sound like he does because of damage, and they just didn't think beyond what they needed for Megatron's arc. And yes, Megatron is a main character and Starscream isn't, so it makes sense to focus on what his arc needs. Megatron has also been repeatedly treated as a better person than the mech he abuses, so "he's more important than Starscream" only makes it worse, actually.

[bananabread404]

When you're a teenager, you have a tendency, a desire, to ruin your life. Almost like a force inside you. You're supposed to mature by the end of your teenage years but for me, i feel like I've gotten smaller and smaller.

Every year, I read back the things I wrote a year ago and it's always so dramatic. I tell myself it wasn't that bad, that if my younger self could see how much worse my current problems are, she would realise that she had it easy back then.

But then these two years really hit me like a truck. Time feels like a construct because no matter how many months pass by, how many things change, I am stuck where I was left. Still stuck. Although I am under the pretence that I've forgotten, swayed with time and started fresh, nothing in me really has changed. I still feel the same - except now I feel physically older, which is inevitable. And dare I say, wiser. Not in a good way; I am wise but never for myself. I remember as a 15 year old naïve kid, I had a foul desire to feel pain. Of course, it wasn't anything masochistic. I wanted to experience the world - I wanted to experience emotions and feelings beyond friendship, and family. Beyond what a fifteen year old would have to worry about. I had friends that wrote poems in metaphorical terms that I could never figure out, or understand. Creative people, creative artists. I noticed they were all suffering. Only if I had known they were coping mechanisms , or expressions rather than 'gifts'. I'd trade anything to just, disappear. Although, I get along better with them now. I'm still silly, still stupid, still don't understand some of their poems, but it's better than before.

It's so hard to form thoughts and write these days. I don't know why but i haven't been able to write passionately lately. This is probably the first time in a few months. I get exhausted, or bored in the middle of it. It doesn't last long. Even as I'm typing this, I feel the enthusiasm sinking down. I could write about anything passionately in the beginning and then forget all about what I'm writing down in the middle of it and then end up forgetting a conclusion. And then form new thoughts and go along with it. It's pretty amusing I'm doing that right now too. But i feel like writing something is better than nothing.

So here I am. Writing to my best ability for now . I am stuck where I am left. Time feels unmoving. I still listen to Happiness by Rex Orange County like I did in 2020. It's still one of my favourite songs, there's comfort in the words, comfort in the memories. Memories do last forever, don't they? Time is only a concept when it comes to memories. It'll take you back to any time you've ever lived and cherished, just like it was yesterday. Except it makes you believe that it was better than it actually was. I guess that's why they say nostalgia is a little liar. I'd go back to it if i could, I'd have done so many things differently. I'm convinced things would be different now if i did. But that's life, right? You can break your neck looking back, but the only place you're headed is forwards. Doesn't it seem like we're puppets of the universe? Doesn't it seem like the sky turns a mockery out of your pain? It might seem like that but logically when you think about it, I don't think my tiny little life matters so much so to be messed with by a superior being, or whatever.

I'm a raging teenager, full of questions and doubts and so much pain, so much desire, so much feelings - it gets so heavy sometimes that I'd rather be an emotionless rock without consciousness. How am I supposed to know who I am, or what I'm to become if the origin of my existence itself is based on several conspiracy theories? There's a religious aspect of it, a philosophical aspect , a scientific aspect and honestly, I don't even want to know anymore. I'd rather just stay clueless and carefree. I want to be nothing.

[gummy-dummy]

Warnings: sentimental, Bakugo being Bakugo, a lot of swearing, angst, unrequited love, heartbreak, self monologue, mentions of bullying, Todoroki x Midoriya. (If you think something needs to be added please tell me)

Inspired by a Taylor Swift song (Wildest Dreams/TaylorSwift)

Thanks to my Cydy @cydxcyanide for helping me with grammatical errors and for always reading everything I write, thank you, love.

Bakugo's unrequired love for Midoriya Izuku

WILDEST DREAMS

Say you'll remember me...

It was really funny, to be honest, to think that I became the cliche of the bully who is in love with his victim. A fucking comedic moment if you ask me.

I noticed I had feelings for Deku as a child, but obviously, my little brain didn't recognize it that way. My belly felt full of something inexplicable. I thought it was bad. I wish I never had believed that. It's truly stupid that I realized in my second year at UA that I was in love with my childhood best friend/victim. I had hoped that the feelings would never come back, but they did. It happened at the worst moment; the moment I noticed that Deku was falling for Icyhot. It hurt, but what more can I say? I wasn't in any position to ask for anything. Then, the stupid Todoroki started to look interested. With those sparkling eyes that look at Izuku like he was the most handsome man in the world, and he was, the most adorable-faced guy he ever has seen. I'm sure that he also noted how Deku has 4 symmetrical freckles on each cheek, how his eyes seem to be always sparkling for something exciting. He probably noticed how he rambled about heroes to analyze every move he could use to be the best hero in history. How his hands moved so quick that you almost didn't think he was writing. It looked like he was scribbling really hard, but if you were to take a peek at his notes the letters were perfect, with beautiful writing. He always had pretty handwriting and I never said that to him.

It's not like I didn't have the courage to say something, I was prepared to say it, I was on my way to tell him I loved him, that I adored him, but that I knew I didn't deserve him at all. I just wanted to lift this hard pain that settled on my heart at our second year. As I walk around the corner to his room I see them, fucking Icyhot with his hands on Izuku's cheeks, mumbling something that made Deku blush and smile. The green-haired guy just nodded and gave in to a slow kiss, I felt everything fall around me. It felt like it was the end of the world, with electricity trying to get out of my arms. This is what Kaminari's quirk must feel like.

Even when I didn't want to watch anymore, I couldn't keep my eyes off of them. I wish that it was me. The one to hug his waist closer, to deepen the kiss even more, the one who felt his two strong arms wrap on his neck. I wanted it so much that I couldn't escape what karma wanted me to see. I deserve every moment of this. I have to suffer everything I did to him. I've apologized to him a lot of times before, always with the want of just close the space between us and kiss, but no. The universe didn't want us together cause I don't deserve him at all.

The only thing that made me stop watching was when the two of them separated with a quick peck and noticed my presence, what was I supposed to say?

"Could you two get into a fucking room? I don't want to watch nasty stuff here in the open, tch." Wow, even when I'm about to cry I can be cruel as fuck. I just start to walk away from them, toward to the kitchen. It was a bad idea to head to the kitchen. Karma wanted to punch me in the face again. Only Mina was there, alone eating a snack. The only person who knew I was in love with Izuku. Fuck it's Izuku now, not Midoriya, not Deku, just Izuku roaming through my heart even when I don't want it. Mina just gave me a sad look. I suppose the two love birds are on their way to the living room. I look, and yes, they're walking to the sofa with their hands in a tight grip, and sparkles in their eyes. I went to get water and just started crying, not loud, trying to be the least noticeable possible. I just felt Mina's arms wrapping around me in a comforting embrace.

In our third year the two were a couple in the eyes of everyone. It wasn't rare to see them out and about with their hands joined and every time the season changed Icyhot would change his side, to get to the most comfortable temperature for his boyfriend. We are all actually pretty good friends. I mastered the art of looking like I don't give a fuck about them kissing or cooing sweet nothings to each other. All that while my heart was breaking. Well, by this time, the pieces were breaking, my heart just being almost dust.

Soon enough it was our first year out of UA. I was working at the same agency as the love birds, well, the fiance's now. They're about to get married and apparently they want me to be one of the best men. I just couldn't accept. I used the same excuse for not making it to the wedding. I had to go to America for a job. It wasn't a lie, the agency we three started with Kirishima and Uraraka was at the top. We wanted to open more offices around the world, so I took the job of traveling to America and doing everything. It would take me a couple of years to get everything done which was my opportunity to stop being a masochist little shit and let them be happy in their obliviousness of my feelings.

Everything was fine, until I apparently talked a lot with Todoroki when we had a "couple" of beers. It was like 3 months before the wedding. My flight was booked the same day, an hour before the start of the wedding, because I told Todoroki that I've always been in love with Izuku, that I didn't deserve him, so I did nothing about it. Just accepted my self-imposed exile to America, so they could be happy and I could stop hurting. He didn't look mad, not even a little angry. He just said, "I know, I noticed at the end of the second year".

So maybe I wasn't that good at hiding it, or maybe Icyhot noticed because I acted exactly the same as him before confessing to Izuku. He said he didn't hate me at all. That he still wanted me as his best man, for him and Izuku but I can't handle this anymore.

"Actually, you should tell him"

"What? are you crazy? you're about to get married to him and you want me to confess my love for him?"

"Yeah, you deserve to get rid of that pain on your shoulders. I know you well enough to know you will never let go if you don't. Also, Izuku would want to know you were his childhood crush you know?"

"Why are you so open to this?"

"Because I love you both, in different forms but I do. You deserve your redemption and Izu deserves to know"

And that's how at the last second I ended up meeting with Izuku. Todoroki just nodded and went out the door. I knew this was the last time I would be seeing one of my best friends and the man I've loved so many years.

"Shoto told me that you wanted to talk? its anything serious? If is something about the agency I'm gonna take care of everything. If you need help there you just need to let us kn-"

"Izuku" I stopped his rambling with his given name and a smile, the first time I have smiled at him in years, hell, even since we were 5 o 6 maybe. He looked surprised.

"Yeah sorry"

"This may be shocking to you, but I never hated you"

I took a deep breath like it was the last of my life and said "I've been in love with you since our second year at UA, maybe even earlier. I need to apologize again for everything. I will never forget how you left all the pain I caused you behind and let us be friends again. I needed to say it. Icyhot says I would never get over it if I don't and I'm so sorry-"

"Katsuki" I just stop rambling and look at him, his eyes showing affection, but not even close to what they look like for Toforoki.

"It's okay, you don't need to apologize. I can't say that I noticed because I didn't. I'm sorry you had to suffer all of these years. If I had known things would have been different. I would've been more careful"

"Nah it's okay. You both love each other and I'm actually happy for you two. My only regret is that as kids we never got to practice 'husband kisses'," I say with a laugh, and Izuku smiles at me.

I don't know what the fuck he is doing getting closer to me. With one hand he took my face and gave me a gentle peck on my lips. I felt my heart drop to the fucking floor and then he smiled.

"I couldn't let you go with regrets Kacchan" We hear a low chuckle and turn around to see Todoroki leaning on the wall behind him smiling.

"Wha- I'm so sorry, I can't I couldn't I'm so-" Izuku just started giggling while Todoroki came closer to us and gave me an awkward hug.

"It's okay. He was your childhood crush, I couldn't let you go without the opportunity of getting a kiss from him. I don't want you to go away with regrets"

But the time is running out and I need to get on a plane. I made a promise to come back to our friends, and a promise I made with myself that I would come back when I'm ready. Ready to be a true friend and an honorary best man.

Say you'll see me again, Even if it's just in your wildest dreams.

[taramaclaywasaterf]

So I guess I'm, like, a fucking masochist or something because I actually managed to go a few days without crying over Trevor, and I guess my brain was like "well! its officially been too long since we've Suffered!" and before I could even stop myself I was like 6 articles deep, reading about his death, which of course made me cry all over again. And I ended up learning that apparently there was an autopsy done on him that came back inconclusive, which is so fucking weird. I also found out that his wife found him on their front lawn, and he was dead by the time paramedics arrived. And like I said before, this was all just a few fucking hours after seeing him being his normal, happy, Trevor self on Twitch with Zach.

All I knew before this was that it was considered an "accident" but I'm not seeing how the fuck any of this seems accidental, unless it was an OD (which is still weird because how the fuck did it not show up in the autopsy??? like, they usually screen for drugs/alcohol???) which is so fucking heartbreaking and painful. He didnt fucking deserve to go out like this. Jesus fucking christ.

I've decided to channel this emotion into rewatching old WKUK sketches. First time since I found out he died. First time in like 10 years for some of them. And I'm posting (a few of) my favorite Trevor-centric ones here. Because I really fucking miss him, and I want more people to know about him, and wish I couldve gotten the chance to tell him how much bullshit he got me through. I wish I couldve gotten the chance to thank him.

This was the first Whitest Kids sketch I ever saw. My friend Sadie showed it to me in 6th grade. We couldn’t go 5 seconds without quoting it for the rest of middle school. So I guess this is the one that started it all for me:

I had to do a monologue for a summer drama camp my friend dragged me to because she didn’t wanna go by herself, and I chose this. To perform. Live on stage. With a fake cigarette I made out of cardboard and construction paper. At like 11 or 12 years old. In front of about 30 different kids’ families. Who were mostly snooty rich suburban assholes. Needless to say, they were not impressed with my choice of source material, but my friend and I almost died from laughing so hard once I walked off stage. Thanks for that one, Trevor. It was worth every second of my dad yelling at me afterwards:

I still- to this day- quote this one whenever yellow mustard is anywhere within my eyesight:

Finally, the one that I’m getting a tattoo of, the “gallon of PCP” sketch. Probably one of their most famous, and also a fucking classic Zach/Trevor sketch:

So yeah. Thanks for 15 years of making me laugh when I needed it most, Trevor. I'll be grateful for you for forever. I fucking miss you, man. To Mars.

[sanjiaftersex]

{Shy anon} Mm. Boiled bland pasta noodles and cold milk. 🤮 I love it.

Anyway, thanks for the advice. My nausea these days is mostly random. But there are times where some smells set me off or eating something cheesy does it.

That cheese thing is probably a side effect from childhood where I vomited anytime I ate cheese but for some reason I kept eating cheese like a masochist that enjoyed the torture 🤯

Enough of that though, I realized something. Probably shouldn't appointed myself as your "anxious anon". Because while at first I was shy, in general I'm anxious to go off anon for the irrational fear of saying something dumb and getting mocked by people. (Not by you, you're nice ��) But I see you've tagged my asks as "shy anon" so I'll just continue marking my asks as such 💖

ouf CHEESE HEALS THE SOUL I LOVE CHEESE SO I SEE WHY YOU'RE GOING TO SUCH LENGTHS FOR HER AND TBH I WOULD DO IT TOO. MAD RESPECT, ANONIE

I am a SLUT for dairy. milk, cheese, curd, yogurt you name it. i even went as far as to buy earthen pots to make my yogurt and curd to get the consistency and taste just right.

anxiety is such a bitch huh... I suffer from it too, but we gotta remind ourselves that we are bad bitches with fat asses. Anxiety got NOTHING on us.

[mysaldate]

What do you think is it that makes Enmu so compelling as a character? I see many, many people who love him (myself included) and I'm really curious about the underlying reasons. Sadistic characters aren't anything new, so what makes him stand out? Is it his design? His soft-spoken nature? His powers??? On a related note, it's interesting how he's one of the only major demon antagonists we know next to nothing about, not even a hint at his human life and who weren't given any redeeming qualities.

I think there are a lot of things that draw Enmu as a character, much more than just his sadistic nature, especially since all the demons are more or less sadistic in one way or another. Though, of course, we haven't really seen one so openly sadistic even towards his fellow demons. This approach has Enmu reflect the audience to a certain degree. I think we can all agree that the Lower Moon meeting was a very thrilling experience and one that had us at least a bit excited — even if we eventually felt sorry for Kamanue at least. Enmu, in a way, reflects this sort of reaction on multiple occassions. First when we see him just at the corner of the screen, smiling ever so faintly and as the sequence progresses, he begins crawling in our minds as this smile very slowly grows. His reaction to Wakuraba trying to run is also one a lot of us could relate to. It was obviously a stupid thing to do but Enmu being the one who voices these thoughts directly in the series is just another nudge to get him closer to us.

Another thing is his... peculiar approach towards Muzan. Enmu is much more than just a sadist, he's a masochistic fanboy. Is it sad that this trait makes him more relatable for most of the fandom? And even if you're like me and this doesn't feel like your sort of reaction, it will probably still struck you as interesting. At this point, almost every fandom has a perverse fan-favourite character. For Kuroshitsuji, that's Grell Sutcliff, for Makai ouji there's Gilles de Rais and even fandoms as small as Brave10 have their own little fanboy (though Yuri is extra even within this category). Not to mention, Enmu's attitude shows that either he has lots of guts or he actually counts on dying anyway and decides to at least enjoy himself (more likely the later). Both of which are very interesting traits we don't get to see often. That sets him apart from most characters within the horny fanboy trope.

There's also the tranquil part of his personality we get to see the best right in his very first scene as he walks through the Infinity Fortress. Other Lower Moons have expressions of confusion or even fear but Enmu just seems... lethargic? Like he's not fully there? Like his mind is wandering? It gives him an air of mystery and silent suffering. Something that's not spelled out for us but it's a lingering feeling that simply wraps around his entire character. Again, he shows this later as well. While he's on the top of the train, even as he sees Tanjiro woke up from his dream, he remains calm and unbothered. And even his last moments slip back to this. Unlike most demons, he accepts that he has lost and goes down relatively calmly. Sure, he still curses Tanjiro but he doesn't try to cause additional damage as he's dying (like Yahaba or Rui) nor is it him who first tries to regrow his head and fight on.

His abilities then serve instead of a flashback to show his more human side. Let me explain, you see, Enmu gives people mostly happy dreams. Beautiful dreams. He gives them whatever it is he thinks will make them feel at ease. Whatever he thinks will make them so happy they won't ever want to leave. Sure, he does give Tanjiro a nightmare but that's only after he rejects all the lovely dreams Enmu offers him. For all the talk about liking to see others in pain, Enmu is actually awfully hesitant to actually cause any emotional pain even to his enemies.

Of course, fusing with things is awfully convenient and in his particular case, it's also an amazing meme potential. And y'know how Tumblr users love their memes.

Enmu is also very pretty, though he still appears to be pretty muscular. That is certainly a way to get fans to like your character. And his brief shadow-y cameo in Kyogai's arc is certainly helping to burn him into our minds without us even noticing properly. He has a very pleasing colour scheme too, nothing too vibrant or bright. He's overall very nice to look at, especially after the overwhelming amount of details rammed into the pillars' design. And that's not to say their designs are bad. It works just fine for them, it fits their characters nicely. But having a calmer point with Enmu is a pleasant "calm before the storm" before Akaza breaks in.

All in all, Enmu stands out a lot when compared to the other demons and he's a relatable character and all of that combined really makes him interesting and compelling. There's a lot left to interpretation there too which is always nice to see.

[carlatsukinamistolemyhamsandwich]

My Ranking of Shin’s Drama CDs

Oh boy did this get long so I’m putting it under the cut. Updated as of July 2020.

Some quick notes before I start: -I am only including main series full drama CDs so no bonus CDs or mini-dramas (which means I have not included the Operation X CD as that features different versions of the song and a mini-drama). -I am ranking these CDs as someone who is deep in Shinhell, therefore I'm only really focusing on interactions with him in these CDs -Expect mild spoilers -And lastly this is all based on my own preferences so if you have a completely different order for these CDs then that is 110% okay With that out of the way, let’s go (^^)ｂ

11) Lost Eden Vol. 3 Tsukinami

It may come as a surprise that this CD is ranked lower than CL when it features both of the Tsukinami brothers, but I had to put it here as it’s the only CD on this list that I can’t see myself relistening to very much (if at all). Unlike their DF CD, which I would recommend listening to even if you’ve played Shin and Carla’s DF routes, I would not say the same for this CD if you’ve played their LE routes. I don’t feel like we really get any new information or interactions out of it, even if it is always nice to have some scenes with Shin and Carla. I also don’t feel like the writing was terribly strong here as there were a lot of very short scenes, particularly in the beginning, which made it feel a little choppy. Additionally I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a Diabolik Lovers CD with so little bloodsucking, I think Carla and Shin each bite you once and that’s it (which means I can’t even recommend it on fanservice grounds). I would only recommend getting this CD if you’re a die-hard Tsukinami fan and you already own most of the CDs on this list as well as some of Carla’s and you don’t mind the slightly sad tone to the ending (tbh I would actually recommend getting the Operation X CD over this one).

10) Chaos Lineage Vol. 3 Orange

I think if you’re a fan of the Tsukinami brothers as a duo rather than favoring Shin, you’ll probably enjoy the LE CD more than this one, but if you want a good Shin x you/Yui scene then I think this is probably the better pick. Although there’s only one bloodsucking scene with Shin, it’s very hot because he actually likes the taste of your blood. It was also fun to see the relationship dynamics between the characters in this different set up (although this might be a bit redundant if you’ve played CL). That being said, this CD isn’t any higher on this list because none of the other guys in it are that high up on my favorites list and as the boys’ memories have been altered there’s no romance with any of them either because they have no clue who you are. The conclusion feels very unsatisfying as this CD is just a set up for the game, although at least unlike the above it doesn’t have a sad undertone. 

9) Versus III Vol. 2 Laito vs Shin

Honestly I’m sad that I had to put this CD so low down but I just like the others more. It’s interesting to see Shin interact with Laito, especially as they really don’t get on that well. There’s also a scene where Laito gets EXTREMELY distressed which really hits you the first time you listen to it, as it’s such a break from the usual facade. However like all of the versus CDs I’ve listened to, there isn’t really a conclusion and there isn’t that much plot to this one either (or least not compared to the other CDs on this list in my opinion). If you’re looking for some hot bloodsucking (or a very anguished Laito) then this is a really good CD but if you’re looking for something with a bit more feeling on Shin’s part then I’d say other CDs on this list are better for that.

8) Versus II Vol. 4 Carla vs Shin

This CD has a special place in my heart because it’s the first CD I ever heard with Shin in it and one of the first DL CDs I ever bought oh how far I have fallen. It’s also the first drama CD the Tsukinami brothers appeared in, and as a result they’re not exactly nice to you. Still, I like that it offers a slightly different version of their first meeting with you/Yui than we get in dark fate and as their opening CD I think it does a good job of introducing them. This is a really good one to get if you’re a Tsukinami bros fan and you like mean founders because there’s no romance here.

7) Versus IV Vol. 1 Ayato vs Kino vs Shin

I was very torn as to whether to put this CD higher or lower as it contains one of my favorite tracks of all time, but that’s just the problem; I only really like one track. The track in question, features a very desperate Shin and it is such a treat to listen to. My problem with this CD is that Ayato and Kino are not terribly high up on my favorites list and so tracks with them, while still enjoyable, are not ones I choose to listen to that often. My other issue is that this CD is set up as though the heroine has chosen Ayato, which is great for Ayato fans but not so much for me (T_T) As much as I like hearing Shin sound desperate, I prefer it when he knows he’s loved. 

6) More, More Blood Vol. 4 Tsukinami Shin

Okay I can’t really explain why this CD is where it is without majorly spoiling it but I’ll try my best. First off, I love the first two tracks of this CD, it’s almost pure fanservice and the scenes feel like they’re straight out of one of the scenario chapters from the games. I was super invested for the rest of it and it was interesting to see Shin deal with the plot of the CD, but then there was the twist that takes place towards the end and I just spent the rest of the CD like ( ﾟoﾟ). I do think it’s good from a writing perspective because I really didn’t see it coming (that might just be because I’m an idiot though) but it also made me feel slightly disconnected from the story. To be fair, I felt a lot better after listening to the bonus Another Story track that came with the deluxe edition, but I think if I’d just bought the regular version then I would have found the ending a bit unsatisfying.

I think how much you like this CD will be entirely dependent on how much of a fan of the twist at the end you are (but I can’t say anymore without spoiling it >_<). If you can spare the extra cash I would 100% recommend getting the deluxe edition over the regular one just so that ending feels a bit more rounded out.

5) Dark Fate Vol.1 Chapter of Eclipse

It might seem strange for me to put this CD so high up as only two of the four tracks feature the Tsukinami brothers directly interacting with the listener while the other two are flashbacks to when they were trapped in Banmaden. However it is a really good source of information on the Tsukinamis if you haven’t played Dark Fate (in fact I think it might actually go into more detail on some aspects than the game does). The flashback scenes include Giesbach’s death (although he does not have a speaking role) and how the Tsukinamis discovered that they could break the seal keeping them trapped. On top of all of the information, you do also get a very nice track with Shin which features quite a bit of bloodsucking and menacing behavior. I will say however that I would recommend this to fans of darker content as there is no fluff/romance to be found.

4) Zero Vol. 4 Tsukinami Shin

I enjoyed this CD in a very different way to how I thought I would. Originally I thought I’d like it for the bloodsucking fanservice scenes with portrait!Shin but I actually just enjoyed the tracks with the real Shin. The final fight scene between Shin and portrait!Shin sounds incredible and I like that this CD has a satisfying conclusion (unlike the versus CDs where it just ends on a bit of cliffhanger after bloodsucking with multiple boys). While the concept is refreshing and I like that Shin has to defend you from an actual villain, I guess I just prefer the CDs that focus on your relationship with Shin.

3) Born to Die Vol. 2 Tsukinami Shin

Okay if you’re a fan of soft Shin content and you haven’t got this CD yet, do yourself a favor and get it because it’s 47 minutes of pure Shin fluff. I do think that if you prefer the darker side of DL then you’d enjoy his Zero CD (or his MMB CD) more than this one but for me personally, partly due to the animosity I felt towards Shin’s portrait counterpart, I like this one more. The final two scenes are really romantic (and they actually made me cry) and the conclusion is satisfying. That being said, I also like my fluff to have a side of angst, which is why I can’t rank this CD above remaining two, but if you just want to have a romantic date with Shin then this is the CD for you.

2) Bloody Bouquet Vol.7 Tsukinami Shin

This CD makes me so emotional ;-; It distresses me a bit because Shin sounds like he’s dying for a good part of it but I like that emotional aspect of it. Some of Shin’s dialogue in the penultimate track is pretty romantic (even if you are in a terrible situation) and the final track just makes me melt (ﾉ∀`♥) Morikubo always does an exceptional job as Shin but this CD is the one that sticks out in my mind the most for the voice acting, it is sooo good. The reason this CD is not number 1 is because as much as I enjoy it, listening to Shin suffer is pretty painful (made worse by the brilliant acting).

1) Para-Selene Vol.4 Tsukinami Shin

This is honestly my favorite drama CD of all time. The main reasons for this are that I like the concept a lot and, to me, it perfectly showcases the aspects of Shin’s character. You get some hot bloodsucking in the first track, some tracks where he gets really angry (which is great if you’re a huge masochist like me) and towards the end you get to see his softer side. Overall I feel that it showcases his faults as well as his good points in an interesting way which is exactly what I want out of a drama CD with my favorite character.

So what do you think? Which of these CDs is your favorite? My askbox is always open for discussing Shin related topics

[isaswonild]

The downfall of being strong enough to take it is knowing you'll survive. There is no easy escape for those of us who refuse to take the quick way out. We've thought about it. God we've thought about it. But the thing is, that's all it will ever be. An intellectual exercise as sick and twisted as any of the other poisons that writhe inside of us.

In our darkest moments we picture how it'll happen. Maybe I'll just close my eyes and let go of the steering wheel, and see what happens. Maybe I'll just walk out into the woods and let nature do its worst. Or maybe I'll take a more effective approach with gun, or rope, or blade, or pills. But that's all it'll ever be. An exercise. A coping mechanism of sorts. To picture that easy way out knowing all along that I'm too damn stubborn to take it.

It doesn't seem to matter what you say to the therapist, or that selfless volunteer on the other side of a hotline though. Unless you've lived with that dark reality inside of you, you can't understand what it's like. To picture death as a release from pain all along knowing that although the pain won't kill you, you won't kill you either. I don't know, does that make me a masochist? That I'd rather swallow down all this darkness like a pack of razor blades, let it slice me up inside where no one can see how badly I'm bleeding? And all the while I smile, and I ask everyone around me, "What can I do for you?"

We sell ourselves in tiny pieces. We give ourselves away with each little acquiescence. And all along all we really want is for someone to recognize that we are screaming inside.

No one who lives with this ever wants anyone else to have to suffer too. That's why we reach out. That's why we stay strong. We take care of those around us, somehow finding the fringes of society where our love is needed most. We collect souls who don't have that same kind of strength, and we give them ours. It's not an altruism though. Because we're just yearning for someone to see us for what we really are.

We're frauds.

I tell myself that they don't understand. They don't know what it's like to feel all of this, and to have to feel it alone. Sure everyone goes through hard times, but almost everyone has someone else to go through them with. And if they don't, well that's where I step in. And I'll be their safety net, their firm foundation, their pillar of resolve. I don't have the support in them that they have in me. I will never ask them to carry me, even as I carry them. I will never ask for anything. At best, I'll reach out in the darkest hours of the night when my resolve is at its lowest and ask, "How are you?".

God I'm such a hypocrite. I'm not the only one. Even as I write this I can think of those few rare individuals in my life who have done the same for me. Why are we holding each other at arm's length? Why the hell are we trying to stay so strong? Wouldn't it be better to give in just once? To not swallow those razor blades back down? To not let them slice me up inside?

Probably. I know that. But knowing will never change the fact that I am incapable of putting this on anyone else. I will take the fall for you. I will take the hit for you. I don't even know you, and I will walk through Hell for you. Because I know I'm strong enough to take it. I know I'm strong enough to stand on that ledge and look into the abyss, to let the abyss look back into me, and to walk away.

I'm strong enough to make it on my own. But God, sometimes I just want to be weak. Because the worst part about being too strong to be saved, is that no one will ever try to save me. And the downfall of being strong enough to take it, is surviving.

[vael]

For the next X weeks, I'll be a meme. Behold Punished Vael, a play on the Punished Snake meme. In a conversation with my wife, I joked I was being punished for my past habits and decisions in many ways, and should take on the persona of Punished Vael. Well I'm all about shame and penance, so I've decided I will do that in the name of efficiency and personal growth.

y tho

What prompted this memery was mismanagement of my finances. I'm no high roller, but I put money where it matters most: food, the children, technology. I've been trying to "buy it once" and with another child planned, it's easy to justify big expenses for their betterment. The trouble was that my family could maintain this lifestyle on my income, but not after the recurring costs of a new SUV and my daughter's health insurance, in addition to all the big expenses since her birth. I simply ignored mint.com and went on living.

It was my job to relay our financial status to my wife, who handles the bulk of the shopping, and I failed to give an accurate representation of what we could afford. I'm ashamed to admit this was the first time in my life that I'd accrued interest on a credit card.

As punishment, I'm taking on some web dev work to make up for it. This hits me where it hurts the most: my free time, most of which I spend making games. A weaker man would say that slowing down my hobby work is forgivable when I have a baby, my 9-5 job, and now this upcoming contract, but that isn't going to be happening. At least not if I can help it. I'll talk about that at the end of this post.

But Wait, There's More

A few weeks ago I tried to make progress on my goal of 2021 to be "in the best shape I have ever been in." After a few days, I hurt my lower back from it, and my thoracic spine hasn't been in good shape since I injured it in 2018. This is from two decades of bad computer chair posture. I've always given my back problems some consideration, but never had a point in my life where I prioritized their recovery or at least improvement. The result is my body punishing me with less freedom of movement. I likely will be unable to achieve my fitness goals this year due to my lifestyle of being chained to a PC.

It isn't just my back: I've been lazy with my dry eye condition too. It hasn't been as inconvenient, but it's still something I should get ahead of. I've made (and have been following for two weeks now) a spreadsheet which I've taped to my wall to physically check off that I've done what I need to do to recover.

Then? Cognitive performance. I've tried and failed -- and will not fail again -- at being less distracted by websites and apps. My sleep habits are reprehensible: I need to get used to waking up at 6:15 for my son's school bus, but I'm consistently clocking out anywhere from 11:30 to midnight. I barely run Forest anymore.

So my short-term memory's shot. My long-term memory is suffering. I made a scary mistake driving (thankfully, solo). To think that games or social media usage could cause real harm to myself and those around me, all because I can't regulate myself, fills me with enough self-loathing to actually feel masochistic for Punished Vael.

Finally, I do want to briefly touch on my relationships. I've lost one friend this year and will likely lose another soon, and while the former was inevitable, the latter's had me really considering that I might have to dial back my natural candor. I am an "open book" (see: this post, my annual reviews) because I believe you should have nothing to fear about being yourself. I take ownership of my actions, even if I am not proud of them.

Something I had not considered was that my openness would encourage the other party to be open too, but then regret having done so. And, well, I'm intense. I want the best for people and my (sometimes unsolicited) advice can put them off, or make them feel pressured to perform or "keep up." I don't think that response is indicative of a weak relationship; I should probably learn to take it easier on others because not everyone operates how I do.

How Do?

I'm setting a very ambitious goal of simply not wasting any time in my day. Ultra efficiency for as long as I can meme. Every time I want to reach for my phone, or Facebook, or linger too long on some bullshit, I'll try to remember what's most important right now.

If I do a good job of it, it will be unsustainable, of course. I'm setting aside two hours of "solid" recreation for myself each night, and one hour of "fluid" recreation throughout the day: talking to friends, checking on my games, swinging by a pokéstop on the way home, etc. That's 3/16 hours of each day for myself, and I'll be doing this every day, including weekends. I'll be a little more forgiving with any "family time fun" like watching a movie, but the focus will still be on production and efficiency.

The other 13 hours will be spent on work, family, and repairing my body. I'll be trying to run Forest as often as I can. I expect to be blasting Meaningwave to help keep myself motivated with the likes of Jordan Peterson and Jocko Willink. I don't know for how long I'll do this, but I can't imagine it ending before August. Certainly the contract I'm taking on will not.

So... time to get started. Thanks for reading.

Vael

[confuzzled-sheep]

Lemme throw my opinion on Horikawa into the void

OK, so I have been playing toruabu for well over a year now, and have been using Horikawa since the very beginning, when it was just Mutsu, Atsu, and Hori in my citadel. Having him for that long made me realize; he is not the pure little angel people tend to make him out to be. He is loyal, hardworking, and supportive, dont get me wrong. However, one must look into his past and fate to fully realize why he is acting this way in the anime.

Horikawa was present at Hijikata's death at the Battle of Hakodate, where a bullet shattered his lower back while riding on horseback.

Hijikata entrusted most of his remaining belongings to his 16 year old page. Including his death poem, a photograph of himself, (Which would have been insanely valuable, photographs were treated like portraits, so it would be like inheriting the Mona Lisa) some important documents, and two swords. Little is known about what happened to Ichimura after Hijikata's death, and all we know about Horikawa is that the sword was confiscated after WWII and is probably at the bottom of the ocean.

Now, back to the chase:

Horikawa Kunihiro is not perfect, or innocent. The reason he works so hard is because he realized that the only thing he has in his new human form is Izuminokami. Horikawa felt like he failed as a weapon, being with his master at the time of his death, and then sitting around in a box before getting tossed into the ocean by the U.S. Army. He feels like because he messed up once, he can't do it again. He wants to take the burden off of everyone else's shoulders, thinking he is the only one to deserve it. Horikawa wants to make himself suffer because he can't stand to see others suffer. Especially when they are close to him.

Now, how does this play into the events in episode 10?

Horikawa obviously has thought long and hard about what it would be like to see Hijikata. Horikawa knows how and when he dies, and was literally at his side through all the suffering. Horikawa watched Hijikata suffer as his nation metaphorically back stabbed him, but Hijikata went into a losing battle, to his DEATH, because he believed it would be honorable to stay loyal to the version of his nation he wanted to protect. Horikawa carries that loyalty on, putting up with Izuminokami's shit all the time. (Sorry Izumi fans, but he can be a huge dick to Hori and it bothers the hell out of me sometimes)

Izuminokami is kind if Horikawa's ideal, his charge, but Izumi said some things he shouldn't have, and throughout the series, seems to respect Horikawa less and less as a person. We can watch Horikawa get sidelined throughout the show. This slight abandonment is exactly what Horikawa has been trying to avoid, his deepest fear. The fear of rejection.

How will this shape the story:

Well I'm a bit of of an emotional Masochist, and I'm a slut for good/unusual story paths, so I want to see Horikawa descend. Will he become like the retrograde army? Will he mess everything up in a future mission because he was being 'selfish'? If he does 'go dark', will he retain the same form? WILL HE BECOME LIKE AN ENEMY WAKIZASHI??? How will the others handle this?? Will they redeem him???

My personal ideal plot would be Horikawa slowly goes darker, morphing into a partial enemy Wakizashi, but he still retains recognizeable parts. (The torso thing on the top of the creatures) Therefore, the Second unit knows its him, and freaks the hell out. (HUGE BONUS POINTS IF HE CHANGES/STARTS GROWING EXTRA LIMBS AND STUFF WHILE HE IS STILL WITH THE SECOND UNIT) Cue final battle, and everyone is occupied by enemies. Horikawa dissapared for a while so the second unit is not openly worried about him. Kanesada is searching for stuff in the battlefield (allies, Konnosuke, enemies, historical figure, etc.) Ends up in a secluded area, and Bam. There he is. A nearly full transformed/dark Horikawa. Kane is horrified, and Hori attacks. While fighting Kane, Hori is explaining why he chose to leave the second unit and shift. The primary reason? "Because no matter how many times is saved you, or Kuninaga, or Tonbokiri, or even your precious Yoshiyuki, you never cared. Do you know why I even spared the effort to do that?! Because I wanted to be loyal! I WANTED to protect you! And what do you do... You dont care. You NEVER cared. Then I realized... Maybe I should fight for my OWN beliefs. Not the beliefs of my Master, dead or alive. Aruji made a terrible mistake, giving us souls. So go on, Izuminokami Kanesada, fight for your master. They never care in the end." Kane is startled by a gunshot, and Hori slumps onto the ground. Mutsu is standing behind the dying wakizashi, crying, hand still clutching the smoking gun. Horikawa is dead, back shattered by the bullet on the 'back' of the wakizashi creature. Kanesan is dragged by Mutsu away from the corpse, and towards the room where the Final boss is supposed to be. The Boss is long dead, and the room is spotless. Except for some writing on the back wall, reading "Regardless if it is a losing battle, I will fight for my freedom". Every member knows its Horikawa. Even in death, after reverting to the 'dark side', he still helped them. He always would.

OK anyway here's my mess of shit haha fuck I hate myself please take this message me if you want to yell about the intense shit this show could do.

[heavenlymadness]

I'm not being honest

Have you ever meet a guy, physically not your type, personally not even the kind of person you search as a friend, emotionally just as damage as you are and might be even worse; the kind of person you take for granted, but somehow change everything, and gives a whole spin in your life?

He keeps staring, in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable, in another I like it. He keeps staring at me, and soon he tell me he loves me (my heart jumps a beat out of my chest, what just happened?) I want to say it back, but I’m not sure if I feel it too, I’m not even sure how it suppose to feel. Teach me!

I feel like i want to kiss him, but it’s not right, is not correct; (What did I just did? Omg, but I want to do it again) please kiss me back more time.

He touched me, but I don’t want to get there yet. There’s this pressure in me, Will he likes me? I’m so insecure. My pelvis screams of course, who better than him. -“I love you too”

Just did it. Feel like the adrenaline is losing effect, a little part of me is scare. Just reacted, I am so happy. I think he is really into me.

We are together, but not together. He just told he loves me more than anything. But it’s so soon, and I already see us married. But we are not together, and in a certain way I don’t feel right. I want all of him, but something change.

I was so hurt. Why he didn’t want me? What was wrong with me. With me.

I cried, I cried laughter every night. I was so broke. Nothing can’t fix me. I fell on drugs (alcohol and cigarettes) i got a tattoo, to feel strong, but I’m still weak, something happened that pull the trigger of my fragile being. And like a bottle of champagne I blow, an explosion of anger came in. Don’t even know I have anger issues. I took so many pills to sleep I feel bad about it.

I have problems.

I’m so sad, so tired of everything, so messed up, so done with everybody. I’m around people but I feel so lonely. Father, I need you, God I need you, somebody i need you. I was breathing problems and rage.

He is there, what should I do? He most not see me shattered. So I have to pretend to be happy everyday right!? Like proof that i’m better off without him look. Fake smile, secure walk. It’s really not working at all.

Wait, what’s he doing? He’s walking right at me, Jesus Christ help me! Look naturally!, dude could i possibly be more robotic? Men I totally can’t act normal at all.

(I don’t know Rick, seems false) take some time. I trust him again. How couldn’t? He has that gift. He got that beautiful melting smile. Please, do not make me want to kiss you again. Why why whyyy??? Resist the charming. Maybe my subconscious was trying to tell me it was not right again. Do you know who I listen to? Yes, my libido. Stupid but amazing desire.

Here we are again. Making love as if there’s no tomorrow. It so good sometimes. But in the nights, just before I go to bed, feels so sad. What a depression I earned!

So it goes, it continued that way, trying to do always what he wanted. But what about with what I wanted?

My dream came true fellas! All my prayers were listen. He’s in love with me and now he’s only mine. Might even think he wants to marry me, have my childrens and spend the rest of his life with me. All my dreams having a future together were just starting. And I couldn’t being happier.

I want to do so many things, travel and have so many adventures together. First of all, I have to do this and do that. What? Well there’s no longer me. I suppose I can do that… And so it goes again

Me crying. This relation was consuming me. I changed so much I lost myself, I don’t even know who am I anymore. But you have to hang in there. Anything for the future. Just a couple more months baby and soon you’ll get a new goal together. Everything to make him happy. I have the savings I have to help him, He work so hard to get his things, it will hurt me if I don’t do something for that.

We left. Day one and I’m already exhausting, my mom is noticing, how he treats me, she have seen how I throw myself into the floor for him to pass on. I was finished, shot down. But there was always something, a single detail, so small but so powerful. He knows how to makes me love him, was so easy. So I say myself, come on, -you have to make it to december! Ups and down, almost there. But then in the mid time I got sick. It all got so difficult. I was over. I can’t continue. -please God take my life away. I was in pain. Chronic. But in the middle of that agony, I wanted to save us. It makes me feel better seen his face.

January and he treats me as if he hated me, He doesn’t want to know about me, Does he even care about my dreams, my hopes? I can’t deal with so much suffering. How can he be so cruel in this moment that I need him the most?

I can’t show him my affliction face, my mom can see I’m tired, and sore, but I reunited forces don’t know from where, but I’m fighting this martyrdom. He is driving me crazy and not in the good way, but I can see he’s worry. I only want everything go back to normal. So i said myself -just to April this time, you have to help him pass school.

My ache was increasing, I can’t sleep at all. I’m unhappy, first time in a year I actually admit it. She appears and he reminds me every time I don’t even reach her heels. My heart split out in pieces. But I can’t make it a big deal, He will definitely get angry.

Exactly like that. Conffess that I’m safe but i can’t have and explanation cause immediately that’s a total excuse to change his mind. And I have to understand?

It cost me, I couldn’t let it go inside me. I was in between. He just needed me to set apart. I never make him happy. It wasn’t me his true love. -but come on, you have to reach to August at least, everything it’s going to be better; you can make he loves you too. You can make he is happy to be with you.

-I’m not sure anymore. He abhor me.

It’s hurting me a lot. And of course I’m mad, really MAD. But i don’t loathe him. I just can’t. I might think I even love him more. How’s that possible? It’s insane.

I just set apart, for he to be with the one he really want. And I wonder if he is telling her the same bullshit he used to told me, that he hasn’t surpassed her yet. I’m in pain, and I know he wants me to be in pain. He hates me. But I just want him to be happy. I’m guilty for that. But I also did it for me, and maybe right now I’m lonely than ever, probably saddest than before, but I needed peace and for that I’m not going to apologize. He thought I was a masochist, It took a lot of strength to tell him to leave.

I feel a lot better now. I’m finding myself, I found hope. And even if i don’t have any money at all, and don’t have anything else to give, I’ll do it again. Give everything of me. (I’m seriously without money) Right now I’m doing something I like. I’m trying to rise by my own. Hopefully in the future could be something I love. I’m not going to go back to that life of spite I used to go when we fight. And I don’t need to be with someone else to forget him, because i like to be with me and I love to remember him. Sometimes he put a smile on my face without knowing. And whatever choices he makes, I feel proud of him and thankful for have being a part of him. I promised to be always around, don’t know how yet, but I have to keep my vow.

Anyway… besides the sorrow and everything, I’m fine.