#I'm pathetic and i want everyone to see me like this

[astrasng]

touchstarved txt ౨ৎ

→ summary: every human being needs someones touch.

→ warning: mainly fluff, little cursing.

→ a/n: this is the first post of my valentines week special. so, happy valentines week to everyone ♡ make sure to treat yourself to something delicious and stay hydrated! ♡

here's the masterlist to the event ^^

enjoy!♡

──── ⋆˚࿔ soobin

soobin who doesn't remember the last time someone touched him like this. not because they had to, (because of fitting or anything relatable to his work) but because they wanted to out of love. the feeling of someone's love with a simple touch almost makes him cry out, melting into your touch the first time you hold him. his whole body going slack against yours as he lets himself relax in your arms. he furrows his eyebrows slightly when he feels you swiping your fingers through his hair, only saying a small please continue as he snuggles into your neck more feeling your warm soft touch. "no one ever held me like this before"

──── ⋆˚࿔ yeonjun

when he started his idol career, he didn't think he'd find true love. always focusing on his dreams, on his members and family. love wasn't the first thing on his mind, but when you came into the picture everything changed. he craved for your attention of every hour of the day,texting you constantly to know you are doing fine and happy. somewhere in his mind and heart, it calmed him to know you are safe. when his schedule let him, he spent every time of his with you, always having an arm around you or his hands caressing yours in his palm. yeonjun usually carefully chooses the people he lets in his personal space, and you are one of them. it was rare to see him act so boldly or affectionate in public, but whenever you feel his hands swiping the hair out of your face of fixing something on your dress always makes you blush uncontrollably. you often think he just put an arm around me and my knees are already giving out i'm so pathetic but in all truthness this is your boyfriend's little game. "i just wanted to see you crave my touch as bad as i do with yours."

──── ⋆˚࿔ beomgyu

he spends almost every free time of his hovering around you. not stalker like, but rather like a curious friend. because he is your friend, and it nearly kills him. he wants you to notice him, to give him a fucking chance, and when you do he basically disappears for days. showing up with a smile days after,saying that he was preparing for your first date and when you see what he has been doing you feel guilt building up on you for not dating him sooner. beomgyu craves your love and touch like its a drug, finding every excuse to touch you. either pulling out a chair for you and touch the base of your back slightly to secure you sit down safely, or teasingly pulling on your hair whenever he has the chance. if he's really down bad for you, he even pulls your hand into his lap and examines your lifeline. "this definately says I'll be in your life for forever"

──── ⋆˚࿔ taehyun

taehyun mostly looks forward to nights.he knows you are home waiting for him, already done with work and busying yourself until he's done at the company. his heart beats the closer he gets to his apartment, because he already knows what is going to go down. he practically feels your hug already, your arms wrapped around him to pull him further into your shared home. he loves cuddling with you on the couch or on your bed, his face smushed against your chest to slowly lulling him into a deep sleep. his heart gives up mid-day when he suddenly remembers how you feel in his arms, wanting nothing more but to go home sooner and be with you. it's like his body psysically craves for you, melting into you the minute his body hits the bed yet again after a long day. there are nights when you have to wait for him so long that you eventually fall asleep, but taehyun always wraps his arms around you to feel like he's home again. "I'm home baby" he then murmurs like you can hear him in your sleep.

──── ⋆˚࿔ hueningkai

kai,someone who always puts his focus on his work suddenly gets annoyed when his balance is wavered. to the point he can't even go to practice without thinking of you, your face suddenly appearing in his mind in the middle of rehearsals. touchstarved kai, who thinks he can get you out of his mind if he works out enough, but this isn't the case. because the minute he sees you again he has to have your hands on him, missing your touch and the way you melt into his body when hugging him. he's just so madly in love. "i needed to remember how your hug feels like" says in a whisper as you basically feel him crush your bones.

important!: this is pure fiction, the act in this story is by my imagination and not based off true events. please do not copy the work.

[into-the-hellaverse]

Lucifer's Bad Day

Sequel to Adam's Bad Day

this... this may be a series...

I take commissions! Look at my main blog (@asmerlotus ) for details!

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Adam had become more distant over the past few months, which was understandable. After the whole ordeal with Cameron, he didn't really want to be around them.

Lucifer started sittting in the lobby, close to the fireplace with KeeKee on his lap, waiting for Adam to come down every day and hopefully getting a chance to talk things through with him. Adam would come down mid-morning, rushing past Charlie's stupid trust exercises and bonding activities, making his way out the door before Lucifer could even say a word. And Lucifer would sit there all day, refusing to eat or drink and watching the door like a hawk. He'd wait and wait late into the night, but sleep would eventually overtake him. He didn't know what time Adam came back, but every morning, at 9 am on the dot, he'd watch Adam rush out before he could say anything and stop him.

"Dad, maybe you should give up," Charlie would say every time. "If he's acting like this over a minor misunderstanding-"

"It wasn't minor to him, Charlie," Lucifer would always reply. "He didn't break our trust. We broke his. I just...need to do something to fix it." And he'd go back to staring at the door.

One day, he was forced to move from his seat, now manning the front desk. Alastor was at an Overlord meeting and Charlie took everyone out for some kind of "Good Samaritan Venture", whatever the hell that meant. At least he had a better view of the door. He was mostly bored, having been there since 5 am, and almost fell asleep standing up. It wasn't until he heard the creaking of the floor boards on the stairs that he woke up, seeing Adam coming done.

"Adam!" he said with a smile, seeing the taller man approach the desk.

Adam didn't smile. He didn't say a word. He just put a key on the desk.

Lucifer frowned and looked down. "What is this?"

"My room key, Captain Dumbfuck. I'm leaving the hotel," he said simply. "I'll finally be out of your life, forever." He turned and started to walk away.

"Wait! Adam, wait!" Lucifer jumped the counter and rushed after him, stopping him long before the door. "I want to make this up to you! Please, just listen-"

"Oh, listen to you like how you listened to me after I trashed the lobby?" Adam asked sarcastically, pushing past him to get to the door.

"I'M SORRY, OK?!" Lucifer screamed, tears falling down his rosy red cheeks. "I'M SORRY! I'M A FUCKING IDIOT! I SHOULD'VE LISTENED TO YOUR SIDE! I SHOULD'VE HEARD YOU OUT AND I DIDN'T! PLEASE, JUST TAKE ME BACK!"

Adam looked over his shoulder, a cold look in his eyes. "You're pathetic, Morningstar..."

Lucifer stared, trying to hold back his sobs in the quiet room. They stared at each other for an eternity, not saying a single word. After a long, uncomfortable silence, there was a harsh knock on the front door. Lucifer seemed to break out of his trance, drying his eyes and opening the door with a little magic.

"Are you ready to go, babe? You told me you didn't have to pack much." ...why... the fuck... was Mammon... at the front door?

"Yeah," Adam said, trowing his duffel bag onto his shoulder. "I just had to take care of a few things." He walked up to him and stood on his tiptoes to kiss the Sin.

Lucifer just stared in shock. He didn't want to believe what he was seeing. He couldn't believe it...

"Oi. If you wanna watch, you gotta pay," Mammon growled.

"Mamm, baaaabe," Adam said with a small blush.

"What? If he wants to gawk at a beautiful thing like you, he should fork over some cash, Addy."

Lucifer felt his heart break and his fists tighten. Only he could call Adam that...

"C'mon, let's not bother him anymore. We should go." Adam pushed him out the door. "I gotta take care of a few more things. I'll meet you at the car."

"Don't keep me waiting! Gas is fucking expensive!"

"I won't!" Adam shut the door and turned back to Lucifer, glaring.

Lucifer tried to swallow the lump in his throat. "H-How... How long-"

"About a month or two. He heard from a friend of a friend that I was a good guitar player. Came to check me out to be performer in his stupid clown thing and we hit it off," Adam said.

"I..."

"I swear to fucking God, if you say you're sorry one more time."

Lucifer shut his mouth, trying to think of something else. "Where are you going?"

"To the Greed Ring. To live with Mammon," Adam said simply.

Lucifer bit back a smile. "You're a Sinner now, Adam. You can't leave Pentagram City, nonetheless Pride."

Adam reached under his shirt, pulling out a dark green crystal on an elaborate necklace chain. "Think again, bitch."

Lucifer started in disbelief. "Is that..."

"A Mammonite Crystal. Let's me travel from Pride to Greed and back."

Lucifer remembered each Sin having some kind of crystal, to allow their subjects or various Sinners the ability to travel to different rings. He had to think of something to keep him here, to break it, quickly.

"He- He can't do that," Lucifer lied. "Any production of those crystals has to be signed off by me."

"Bullshit, Morningstar. Complete. Bullshit." Adam glared at him and turned away.

"Addy..." He said, tears falling as his voice cracked. "Please don't leave me... You're the greatest thing that has ever happened to me..."

Adam looked over his shoulder. "I want you out of my life forever, Morningstar... Sound familiar?" He scoffed and turned away, finally heading out. "B-T-Dubs, you're blacklisted from my shows, Captain Dumbfuck. Goodbye." And with that he finally left the hotel.

The silence became deafening as Lucifer stood alone in the lobby. He dropped to his knees and let out a guttural cry, his vision blurring as he couldn't stop crying. Why was he so stupid?

[notebooks-and-laptops]

Okay so. It seems I'm in the minority about not liking the Spike-With-A-Soul plot. I've not really interacted with the Buffy fandom before this so its wild to me this is how people view it. Because the thing is...

Buffy is at its best, always, when it rejects the concept of ontological evil Vs good and of all the shows from that era (charmed is a big one that comes to mind) I think Buffy when it got a few seasons under its belt was one of the best shows at rejecting the ontological evil Vs ontological good mindset despite the fact that it's a monster of the week show. Oz, Buffy, Faith, Spike, Buffy, Willow, Harmony, Xander, Riley, Anya, Warren, Jonathan, Andrew - all of these characters are continuously used to show moral complexity, particularly that goodness is a choice and what does it mean to be a harm to others?

And spike epitomises that. He is the monster who suddenly had to deal with not being allowed to kill people; which led him to form bonds (particularly with Buffy and Dawn, but I'd argue he makes bonds with the rest of the Scoobies bar maybe Xander too) which led him into empathy and trying to do good even when it came at his own expense. There is this lingering question by season 6 with spike; if you removed his chip would he go back to how he was in season 2? Would he kill and maime and torture, or would he make the choice to be good just like the rest of the Scoobies have to do daily even when giving in would be easier.

And I think spike would have a wobble sure, very Anya esque in that regard, but I think he'd ultimately just like Anya NOT find it easy to go back to being 'evil' after having his chip removed even without a soul. And the lore implications to that are FACINATING and way cooler to explore than like. Soul = good, not soul = bad.

And also...I know people are like 'he was irredmiable after seeing red so it had to happen so we could like him again' but uhhhh that's actually one of the reasons I DONT like spike getting a soul. It really feels like the writers wanted a cop out, a way for us to go on shipping and engaging with Spuffy and absolve Spike. See he did a terrible thing but he can still be your pathetic little favourite wet man because we gave him a get out of jail free card! And that's just...kinda nothing to me? I mean sure he worked for that soul, did the trials, but it's not the same as actively having to deal with doing a terrible, unforgivable thing and where you go from there. It's just. It feels so cheap. Like they wanted the 'edgy, brutal' scene but they didn't ACTUALLY want the consequences so oops he's got a soul now don't worry about it he can still be your fav little guy. (And yeah, I mean. I do think the writers would have struggled with spike after seeing red if they didn't do something drastic - but if they weren't willing to grapple with it they shouldn't have done it, otherwise it just feels even more ick to me ya know.)

Idk I like season 7 for what it is but I think ultimately it was a backslide from so many interesting things set up in season 6, even willow kinda goes back to having good Vs bad sides rather than just being a complex individual with capacity for both. And spike is the Biggie for me because I'd have MUCH rather had the plot of 'buffy removes spikes chip and trusts that he's become a better person and doesn't need it anymore' than 'spike has a soul now so he's chill'. Also I think it would have made his plot with the first and potential killing waaaaay more engaging if they hadn't been able to write it off with 'but he has a SOUL now'.

(I think a really interesting plot would have been everyone THINKS spike has a soul even spike but it turns out he DOESNT and what the fuck does THAT mean?)

[girlwith15cents]

Oversharing on the internet about ADHD

I've been trying to write this post for awhile now. It relates to my previous post about mental disabilities. But it's proving difficult cause it keeps sounding too pathetic, but that's kinda the point.

I, in my present, have an idea of who I am. My interests, how I act, how I dress, who I associate with, my gender expression. These are all observable things. Ways that other people can form opinions on me. These are, by most means, who I am.

However, who I want to be is pretty drastically separate from that. I know a version of me that I can try and project but will always fall short of. I want to learn and enjoy makeup. I want a larger wardrobe of clothes that I genuinely like. I want to learn an instrument. I want to get into streaming games for fun. I want to be able to take my friends out to dinner and buy them gifts and go around the city with them. I have so many ideas for tattoos and I have piercings I want to get. There are so many things I want and yet cannot have and have no real avenue to get.

The reason I cannot reach for these (very reasonable) things is because of my lack of capital and personal agency. Extremely debilitating executive dysfunction has stripped me of any milestones of adulthood someone of my age might be seeing. I've never been able to hold a job without growing deeply suicidal due to the effort required. Hobbies cost money. Rent costs money. Expressions of the self cost money. I have always had to exist within the confines of someone else's generosity to take care of me. It has stripped me of opportunities to grow as a person. It has made me less and less who I want to be and more who I am.

All too often because of this people don't take me seriously. Financial burden that I am, I have learned to make myself small better than any other skill. I choke up when asked to assert my wants. I put others first. I'm quiet and guarded. Any strive to make myself the person I want to be feels deeply embarrassing. Like a child who is convinced they're something they aren't. So people who meet me see the child. They see the loser who won't take steps towards employment because they're lazy. They see the girl who orbits a social group but never belongs. They see a nice girl who has far less desirable qualities than the other candidate for this job position. It hurts so fucking bad to be condescended to without any ability to rebut it.

So when does it end? When I find work that won't end up being the death of me? When our government wises up and pushes for UBI or expands upon disability payments? When they invent adderal that doesn't have a million side effects? When I get sick of it and give up? There's no real end in sight, and every time ADHD gets laughed at as a pop-psych joke it gets further away. Am I doomed to be a child forever? When will I see the respect I know I deserve?

And sure, pathologizing behavior is 'bad'. Maybe the answer to all my woes is to grit my teeth harder than I already have been my entire life. Maybe the real reason I see no forward movement is because I'm projecting my own helplessness. But can't it be a little easier? Everyone else is having a rough time, but at least they're having a time. The behavior I exhibit is very normal to neurotypical people on a bad day, but it makes up my entire existence. And it sure feels a hell of a lot more severe than someone having a day of bad focus.

The fucked up thing about it is that I like me. The present me and the me I want to be. We both have so much to offer. We're both one of the best friends you've ever had. We both have skills and qualities that make us very likeable people. But these qualities have little to no monetary value. Any way that I could monetize it would also require investment. Investment that I cannot make without agency. So I'm stuck as a vague bundle of good qualities and talents that everyone sees so much potential in and is eagerly awaiting a moment where I channel it somewhere. A moment that will never occur without agency.

[pelmeniforeveryday]

Я отмечаю 5-й год своего блога Tumblr! 🥳

Venting...just venting and whining

5 years. 5 long years. I can't even remember the certain reason why I started to blog on Tumblr. I wanted to do something personal, be a part of something, contribute to whatever it is.

At that time I was 16. It seemed to me like a have a lot ahead of me. A whole life. I was utterly naive as I didn't see obvious things. And at that time I had hope.

I know, it may sound fancy, but whatever. I had dreams, but they haven't come true. Maybe because of me. I don't really know. Now I want to take them from someone else, the way mine were taken from me.

I wished I would be at least attractive. Maybe average, or a bit better. I didn't completely realize that I wasn't like my other classmates, either of my naivety or stupidity. Or I was unwilling to realize it. I've recently seen a photo of my class, taken when we were exactly all 15 — 16. Finally I see that among other girls I'm an unattractive one. It sounds childish, but what I really want is to feel attractive. I want to be that bitchy high school bimbo which is loved or worshipped by everyone at school. I want to be adored. Even if it's considered egoistic.

I remember that I wanted to practice my English with native speakers. But here I haven't succeeded as well. It's getting more obvious that I'm just incapable of talking to people and maintaining friendship. I'm aloof, nonchalant, and in my heart of hearts I completely comprehend that I simply don't want to interect with people at all. I'm just built this way.

There were also academic aims, creative, personal. I don't want to utter a word about them.

My friend abandoned me, I left someone — isn't it just ordinary life challenges? This all will happen again to every person on this planet.

My blog makes me feel like there's something missing. In me, maybe. Especially after a long time after I had stopped posting things. It reminds me of all things I haven't managed to do

I don't even like pelmeni that much

[lovesickeros]

can.. can I ask for an affectionate reader with characters who aren’t normally like… used to the love? like, not just through words but physical affection like hand-holding, kisses, hugs, all that shebang. probably with a few people like yelan, ei, basically any character that is either cut-off from society or seems socially distant or isolated. 😞

☆ affectionate reader with yelan, ei, & furina

[ 4.2 Archon Quest spoilers ]

× yelan

Varies between how you display your affection, to be honest. Just like being affectionate with people? She's cool with it as long as you don't pop by while she's working (mostly because she'll end up dragging you into it for a bit of fun). I don't think she's all that touchy feely herself, but she'll absolutely get you gifts instead– like pretty knick nacks? She'll make sure to snag any she thinks you might like. Like a good meal? Sure, she'll take you out to one of the restaurants in the city, doesn't matter how expensive. Her treat. If you do prefer physical gifts rather then being taken out, you'll eventually get used to the random unmarked letters and packages showing up where your staying pretty often. It's obvious to know who it came from even if she never signs anything.

Flirty reader, though? Whole nother can of worms and now it's a challenge. The more confident you are the more interested she is. The other acolytes would absolutely seethe at the idea but she has no hesitation at just straight up flirting back– she's as charismatic as they come and she's got a poker face that's basically impenetrable. She'll probably also make a bet to see who cracks first (she always wins, unsurprisingly). Probably won't get dragged into any of her schemes this way but if you ask politely maybe she'll consider it, anyway.

The smell of freshly brewed tea and the clatter of dice across wood was a common sight at the Yanshang Teahouse– less common was the woman secluded in the far corner, her lips pulled into a grin that flashed fangs and a look that would scare off the most confident of men.

She'd normally try to scope out any new blood that'd made the mistake of stepping into her teahouse and was equally stupid enough to accept a gamble against her just for the thrill of it, but she was far too absorbed in the warm body at her side, one of her die clasped tightly in their hand as she guided them through the motions– they had a knack for it, she had to admit. The thought made her preen, the clatter of the die as it rolled across the table giving her that subtle, familiar rush.

Even if she knew exactly where it'd land.

"Six. Hm, maybe you're just lucky," She muses, plucking the die from the table and holding it up to her eye like a prized jewel, "Or maybe you're not as innocent as you'd have us believe." There's a sharp glint in her eyes at the prospect, but everyone else has the sense to keep their heads down and their words to themselves as she tosses the die herself.

"So why don't we find out and make a bet, just between you and me?"

× ei

Varies between Ei and the Shogun, because you'll probably be seeing either as much as the other. Sometimes you gotta really squint to tell who it is sometimes, but you get used to it. Both are fairly similar, though, in that their first instinct (especially in public) is to tense up like you're about to attack them or something. Difference is Ei eventually relaxes after a solid minute of trying to process your sudden affection and, if no one else is around, she might even reciprocate. Just don't tease her for being a little stiff and awkward about it, she's trying. That's what happens when your only company is a robot and uh. Nothing. For like 500 years. She's trying. Raiden, on the other hand, is just about as awkward as you can imagine. She's polite (blunt) about it because Ei is fond of you and also you are. The Creator. But she's not really built to deal with personal relationships and so she doesn't know how to deal with affection.

..Depending on what you do you may or may not blue screen Ei hard enough that she retreats back to PoE

Ei usually isn't fond of sitting still, unless it's to meditate. At least then she goes in with a purpose, something to achieve– but now, she's just focused on trying not to make a fool of herself. Her muscles are starting to ache from how hard she's tensing, though, in an effort to sit as straight and still as possible as their hands glide through her hair, weaving it into a single braid.

She can just barely hear the subtle lilt of their voice as they hum– and though it is soothing, it is also..very distracting. She can't focus long enough to try and meditate, too lost in the gentle rise and fall of their voice and the care they take to braid her hair. If she'd had a heart, she'd sure it'd be beating so wildly against her ribcage they could hear it.

But then it stops– their hands fall back to their sides and their humming falters. She freezes, too, racking her brain for any slights she must have committed. Instead, she is met with a calm, tender touch on the back of her neck, making her inhale sharply.

"Am I making you uncomfortable, Ei? You're so tense.." She has to grit her teeth to stop herself from bowing so low her head presses against the ground, her hands folded in her lap, clenching instinctively. "..No, Divine One." She answers simply, trying to contain the adoration swelling in her chest.

Yet as much as she tries to relax, to ease their worries, she finds that she cannot.

"Hm." That small murmur, a simple sound that nearly made her jump, was the only warning she got before they scooted closer, wrapping their arms around her stomach and resting their chin on her shoulder with a grin she would liken to Miko's, if she dared to make such a comparison. "Really?"

She swears she must've been feverish at the affection, lightheaded and dazed until she thought she might simply perish at the brush of their hands against her own.

Much to her embarrassment, however, she doesn't realize she's instinctively pulled back into Plane of Euthymia until she sees the familiar dull purples engulf her vision once again.

Though only a small solace, it seemed a little..brighter, this time.

× furina

Varies between pre 4.2 and post 4.2 archon quests to be honest.

Pre 4.2 she comes off as very vain– of course the most Divine would see fit to spoil her with affection! She deserves it, and is obviously their favorite! Just don't look too hard because she's terrible at hiding how flustered she actually is. Absolutely goes home right after and screams into her pillow for at least thirty minutes minimum.

Post 4.2 she's a lot more openly bashful and flustered. She's really not used to affection and even the smallest show of it has her folding immediately. Now that she doesn't need to worry about being found out she's a lot more receptive to affection. Cup her cheeks and compliment her and her knees are buckling. Like. Especially weak for compliments and praise (she deserves it. please spoil her).

She swears she must be hallucinating– she had been having trouble sleeping recently. But..no. The visage of the Creator was as real as the sweat beading on her brow as she stared at them for a long, awkward moment. Should..she let them in? But then they'd see the pathetic state she was in, and the last thing she wanted to do was make a fool of herself in front of them-!

Her choice was quickly made for her, anyway, as she let out an undignified squeak of surprise when they suddenly tugged her forward into their chest, enclosing her in a hug.

Her first reaction was to freeze– her second was becoming absolutely flustered, her cheeks flushing a soft pink and her mouth closing and opening as she tried to find her words.

"I– ah..um." She stumbled over her words instead, floundering like a fish out of water. Yet she felt a distinct sense of emptiness wash over her when they finally pulled back, looking a touch sheepish. "Sorry, sorry– you just looked like you needed a hug."

The silence spoke for itself, her shoulders tensing slightly. But the way the concern and affection bled through their voice made her waver, her hands trembling as she let out a shaky breath that almost sounded like a sigh.

"It's..It's fine! Fine, I'm fine." She repeated, trying desperately to ignored the way her voice cracked and how hot her face felt– though it was more an attempt to affirm herself that she was not thinking about how warm they felt, how much she..actually enjoyed the hug. She wasn't thinking about it all! Absolutely not!

..Maybe a little.

"Just warn me next time, please?"

[kyouka-supremacy]

Well.

[guinevereslancelot]

el oh el. just got to tell the guy who dumped me (to make more time for skiing) that yes you can ski on my property actually 😌

[david-watts]

it's a bit rich coming from me. so fucking useless that I haven't managed to do anything worse than leave words that appear on my arms when I get out of the shower and some cognitive decline in so many years of trying and threatening. but I genuinely believe it would be better for everyone involved if I weren't here

[daz4i]

in the same vein that god had to make all my favs fictional bc they're simply too perfect for real life, god had to make me real bc he knew I'd be too potent as a blorbo

[thecherrygod]

/

[ihamtmus]

this fandom should be studied because the levels of brainwashing and hypocrisy are something else

[sonofshu]

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[jaycestaliss]

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[madesofgold]

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[hangryyeena]

:)