#the thoughts to simply off myself are really strong tonight

[simonghostrileys]

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[thanksfortheflaglove]

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[hellodropbear]

like she used to (V)

alexia putellas x sister

chapter I, II, III, IV

from alexia's perspective tonight :)

~~~~~~

My younger sister hates me. 

I don't know why, I don't even know when it happened. 

But I know that my younger sister hates me, and I have absolutely no idea what to do about it. 

I have known there was something wrong since she started skipping our dinners on Thursdays, claiming to have Barcelona B training until late. 

I knew they finished up an hour before dinner started. 

Alba says that I spent to much time away from her, that I didn't focus on her enough. 

Mami says that she is growing up and simply becoming less reliant on her older sisters. 

But neither of those explanations seem to make sense, because my younger sister is not the girl that I once knew any more. 

The girl who would sleep in my bed every night, who wiped my tears when I cried and put a smile on my face when all I wanted to do was bury my face into my pillow and scream about how unfair the world was. 

Because she's Elena and she's happy, she always has been.

But Elena does not seem happy anymore. And I don't know when it changed, but I hate myself for not being there to make her smile like she did for me so many times when we were younger. I hate myself for not being there to put a smile back on her face as soon as it fell off. 

She lives with bags under her eyes, her usually olive skin turned pale, her eyes constantly downcast and her eyebrows set in a solemn line. 

She used to tell me everything, but then I blinked and my baby sister's name was on my team sheet and I didn't even know she had been training with the first team. 

Mami said that she was sleeping, that she didn't want to talk about it now. Mapi told me the next day that she found her 45 minutes away from home, sitting in the park by her house. 

I should have been there more, I should have gone to her games. I know that, everyone knows that. But I broke up with Jenni, who had been my rock for as long as I could remember. I broke up with Jenni and she moved to Mexico, leaving me alone for the first time, in an apartment full of memories that would swallow me every time I entered.

I felt alone, every fibre of my being felt alone. I was isolated and my world was crumbling around me. And I didn't know who to turn to, I didn't know where I could find support. 

I didn't know that Elena was sat at home in bed, staring at her phone and waiting for me to call her, to text her. 

I used to call her every night, but slowly, those phone calls died out. Elena would all asleep with her phone in her lap. Until she gave up. Until she switched her phone off as soon as she reached her bedroom in the evenings. 

Back when Papi died, I relied probably a bit too much on my little sister to get me through it. Mami always said it was the wrong thing so I didn't want to make that mistake again. I avoided Elena, not wanting her to realise how weak I really am. She always said she admired me for being strong, powerful. I was her inspiration, her hero. 

I didn't want to ruin that image she had of me by crying on Mami's couch, unable to be alone after something as superficial as a breakup. 

But I think I ruined that image in other ways. 

I stopped going to her games. 

I stopped holding her as she fell asleep in my lap on a Thursday evening, instead watching her move further and further away from me on the sofa, until she wasn't there at all. 

I stopped being there for her, helping her with her homework, picking her up from training, taking her out for ice cream. 

I stopped being her sister, and I don't think I will ever forgive myself. 

I don't think she will ever forgive me either. 

And to make everything worse, I only thought about it properly when Olga brought it up a few weeks ago. 

"Why haven't I met your younger sister yet? There are so many photos of her here, but I have never even spoken to her."

It was then that everything came crashing down, reality hitting me like a truck, driving 100 kilometres an hour along the highway. 

Olga couldn't understand why I was suddenly sobbing into her arms, my words more incoherent than my thoughts. But she held me close and told me one thing. 

"If there is something wrong with your little sister, you need to fix it."

Obviously she was right, she didn't need to tell me that. 

I felt an enormous surge of guilt explode inside of me, and for once Olga's arms didn't do anything to help me. I don't deserve her comfort, I don't deserve to feel good when I have left my baby sister behind. 

Because she is everything to me but I haven't spoken to her in two years. 

I don't know how I let it go this far.

~~~~~~

Mapi's voice is scratchy and quiet over the phone, and I could tell something is wrong. She wouldn't tell me what. 

"Elena is here with me. I texted Eli but she didn't reply but I needed to tell someone that she is safe and asleep in my spare room. We will take her to the game in the morning."

She didn't say much else, other than that she found my sister at the park after she had taken the bus from home. 

But, the look that she gave me at the game the next day told me everything I need to know. 

It wasn't angry, really, she just looked confused and hurt. She looked upset as well and I knew exactly what it was about. Because Elena has always loved Mapi, and Mapi has always treated Elena like a little sister. 

Elena would have told Mapi something, and even though I don't know what it was, I know it would have been bad enough to make Mapi overthink everything, to realise how awful I have been over the past few years. 

I was anxious through the whole game, separated from my best friend by Frido and Jana, trying my best to ignore the looks that Mapi kept sending me. 

The looks that were filled with such emotion that I couldn't handle. Emotions that were hard to read because they were filled with so much meaning. 

I am too much of a coward to face her and my consequences, I realise, so I ignore it for as long as I can. 

But I knew I could not avoid everything when Mami pulled me to the side after the rest of the girls had gone back into the changing rooms, after Alba had gone to the bathroom. 

"What are you doing?" 

She was furious, and for good reason. But I stay silent, still too scared, too guilty about everything I had done. The only thing on my mind was  trying to figure out how I could ever fix this. 

"Alexia Putellas! Answer me! What are you doing?" 

Her face was almost red, but if I looked hard enough I would have been able to see the tears that dried up in her eyes, never given the chance to slip down her face. 

"What do you mean, Mami?" 

She rolled her eyes dramatically and scoffed loudly. 

"Your baby sister is 15 years old and without any help from you, her older sister, was sitting on the bench for your team. The best team in Europe. She is 15, Alexia! This is such a huge achievement and all she wants is a hug from you, for you to tell her you are proud of her, that you love her. But no. Nothing. Nothing at all from the great Alexia Putellas who cares about nothing but her career!" 

Mami's words are a slap in the face, really. Thinking back to them, however, they are the truth. The terrible, painful, horrendous truth. 

Not that I don't care about anything but my career, of course, but about how I haven't done anything to help Elena get to where she is. 

I pause before responding, debating internally how I should respond. 

I could respond with fire, but that would just make Mami even more furious.

So I don't. 

"I know she is, Mami! That is why I am about to go do exactly that. I am so, so proud of her but I can't find the words to tell her just how proud I am."

She looks at me for a moment, as if assessing the validity of my statement. 

"We are going out to dinner tonight, Alexia. You are coming with us and we are celebrating Elena. Not you, Elena."

I nod, telling her that I will go get Elena and meet her and Alba outside. 

Except that doesn't happen, because I see Elena in the changing rooms, but she doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with me. 

I see the 15 year old girl laughing and interacting with my team, holding Aitana close and whispering in her ear. 

But honestly, the whole scene flipped my insides out. I am not focused on Olga as she chats to me, as she notices how distant I am from reality, moving towards Mapi. 

When I do finally speak to my sister, it does not go well. She is cold and I don't know how to get through to her because she is right to not want to talk to me, she is right to stick up for herself. I have messed up and I still have no idea how to fix things. And until I do, she is right to act like this. 

So I didn't end up going to their dinner, instead sitting alone in my apartment and staring blankly at my switched off tv, wondering what on earth I can do to fix this mess. To fix this mess that I single handedly created. 

It meant that Mami came round late, storming into my apartment, smoke practically billowing from her ears.

"You have messed up, Alexia. She is so upset and it is entirely your fault! You are stupid, you are irresponsible and you have been a terrible sister." 

I cowered under her strong gaze but she did not soften. She sat down, placing her head in her hands.

"You are almost 30! You should know better. I have not raised you to be like this, I have not raised you to throw people away without any thought, not caring how it might affect them. She is so confused and so, so upset and it is all because of you. All because you decided a few years ago that you did not have time for her anymore."

"Mami-"

There are tears in my eyes, but Mami can not see them. Mami does not care, she should not care because I did all of this, all by myself. 

"No, Alexia. You will tell me what has happened, why you have done this. You have ripped apart our family, Alexia. Alba is practically mourning the destruction of it and I just can not begin to understand why you have decided Elena doesn't mean anything to you any more."

"I haven't decided that!" My yell took my mother off guard and she recoiled. I continued before she could speak again. 

"I love her! So much and I am proud of her! I don't know what I have done, Mami and I don't know how to fix this." The tears that filled my eyes began to slip down my face. "I have ruined everything."

My voice broke and Mami softened, looking at me in confusion, some sort of inner turmoil and for the first time in my life, I recognised that she had no idea what to do. 

She didn't know what to do as I broke down into sobs, my body practically folding into itself, loud cries wracking through my body. 

"I don't know what is wrong with me." 

~~~~~~

Mami and I spoke for ages that evening. She convinced me that I should take a step back and let Elena come to me. That I should try and talk to Elena soon to tell her that I love her, that I am proud of her. 

But it ended up with another unsuccessful attempt of speaking to Elena. She was in bed and wanted nothing to do with what I wanted to say. I told her everything that Mami told me I should, ignoring the protests of my insides. 

I do not want to take a step back because I am already so far away. I want to be there for my sister like I should be, there for a hug or for some assurance. But that is not what I tell her, because apparently, that is not what would be the best for her. 

All I want is the best for her. 

I want nothing more than to tell her I want to be a part of her life like I used to be, I want things to just go back to normal. But nothing is that easy. I have to face the consequences of all my mistakes. 

Huge, terrible, life altering mistakes.

I tried again the next morning, but she ignored me completely, heading up to her room without a single utterance of a word. I could practically hear her exhale in relief as the piano chair creaked and waited until she had begun her playing to walk upstairs and sit by her door. 

She has improved at it so much, skyrocketing right past the level that Papi used to play at. The notes rang out at such a pace that I could barely keep track of where the song was going, up, down, fast, slow, loud, soft. 

The rhythms flew through the house and I didn't register the warm liquid slipping down my face until it fell with a splat into my lap. 

It is painful to realise how much I have missed; how much I miss her. 

Her playing is mesmerising and I could feel the emotion that radiates from her and her piano. 

It used to be Papi's, but now it is hers.

Because she has grown up into such a talented person and our father would be so proud of her. 

Me, I don't think he would be so proud of. 

And I hate myself because of it. 

The song broke down into soft chords and if I strained my ears I could hear her quiet whimpers. But I can't comfort her any more. 

No matter how much I want to. 

She will not be comforted by me. She doesn't want me there to comfort her. 

So I creep down the stairs and leave. I drive back to my apartment, back to Olga. 

At this point, I am used to the constant stream of water on my face. 

But there is nobody to blame but myself. 

~~~~~~

The next few weeks were equally as painful, despite Olga's efforts to lighten me up. My mood was down when I woke up in the mornings, and only got worse after training, seeing Elena light up when she spoke to my friends but escape every room I entered, cowering when I glanced over at her, leaving conversations as soon as I joined them. 

It's like she is scared of me, intimidated by me. I hate it. 

Mapi was silent in rehab, which is a big change from the constant stream of chatter I am used to. I don't think she knows what to say to me anymore, knowing what I have done. 

I wouldn't know what to say to me either. 

It is Vicky approaches me one day after training. We are all sat in the changing rooms when wanders over and asks for help with her homework. It is maths, and I tell her with a laugh that I will be no help at all, but she persists, opening her book and pointing at the maths equations, confusion written all over her face. 

I help her as much as I can, laughing at the drawings she has scrawled out on her page, explaining the trigonometry to her as she stares at me intensely. It takes a while, but she gets it eventually, finally answering a question correctly. 

"Nice, Vicky! So much better, so quickly!" 

Mapi stands up from across the room, grabbing her bag and storming out of the room, slamming the door behind her. 

From where they are sitting in quiet conversation, my sister and Aitana look up at the door, their eyes scanning the room. Aitana's eyes land on me first and she rolls them dramatically, shaking her head in what looks like disgust. 

"Vicky, I did that yesterday. I can help you." 

Elena's voice is level, but I can see confusion in her eyes at the scene that had just unfolded. 

Vicky sighs in relief, closing her book and walking across the room to Elena. 

"I forgot you were smart!" She beams, plonking herself down on the seat beside my sister and they both dive into the world of mathematics. 

Aitana is standing up by now, her bag over her shoulder. 

"Alexia, can I speak to you outside?" Her voice is steady as she continues. "There is something wrong with my dribbling and I would like some help."

It is a lie and everyone knows it. There is never anything wrong with Aitana's dribbling. 

But I pick up my bag, following the shorter midfielder out the door, immediately faced by Mapi who stands there, anger all over her face. 

"What the hell are you doing?" Her voice is low and her words come out as a whisper, full of venom. Full of anger. 

It is something I am not used to from Mapi and it takes me off guard. My hesitance gives her the chance to continue.

"Helping Vicky Lopez with her maths when you don't have the first clue whether Elena is even at school. Elena, your sister."

"She goes to school." 

My voice is full of confidence, but Mapi is right, I don't even know how she manages to fit it all in. I don't know the first thing about her timetable. 

She rolls her eyes, scoffing. 

"Do you understand just how much damage you have done?"

I nod, inhaling and exhaling deeply. 

"She hates me, I know. I have ruined everything. It is all my fault."

Mapi nods, but it is Aitana who speaks next. 

"She doesn't even hate you, Alexia. It just shows how much she loves you. You have done all this and she still loves you, still would do absolutely anything to get your approval, your attention."

I blink to stop the tears and bite the insides of my mouth to stop it from trembling. 

"She has been begging for you to notice how hard she has been working. How well she is doing. But you do not, you don't see her, it is like you are blind! And then Vicky Lopez gets a maths question right and you give her more praise than you give Elena for being selected in this team, for working hard, for being so, so incredible." 

If Aitana wasn't whispering to keep this conversation from the ears of the people in the room we just left, she would be fully yelling, her face red and her eyes narrow. 

"She is perfect, Alexia, and it is so sad because you just can't see it, you can't see how good she is, how smart, how kind, caring. And it makes me so, so angry because you have changed her so much in the past few years, and not in a good way."

Mapi puts her hand on Aitana's arm, trying to get her to stop. Mapi knows me well, and knows when I am about to break. 

But the usually stoic midfielder has tears in her eyes when she continues, her voice softening and breaking at the same time. 

"She was such a happy little girl, so excited by everything. She loves you so much and she always looked up to you. But now she is insecure, she is lonely, isolated. She is confused and feels like she needs to fight for validation every day. Everyone has pressure on them in this team, especially when they are young, new blood. Coming from La Masia and the B team you should know this, Alexia. You should know about the pressure better than anyone because I do too. But your sister? She has it worse than anyone because she has all that, but she is your sister. Alexia Putellas, two time Ballon d'Or winner. She has to live up to that in some way and is trying to hard to do it without anyone's help. She is only 15, Alexia. 15."

Aitana stops, but I am not sure whether it is because she has nothing more to say or if it is because she is too upset. She is silenced by weak tears, shaking her head as Mapi places a soft arm around her shoulder. 

"She is right, Alexia." Mapi's voice is soft and she looks at me with that same concerned glint in her eye. "And I don't know what is going on with you, but whatever it is, it needs to be fixed. You have made some significant damage and if you don't do something about it, it will all become irreparable."

"I don't know what to do." It is a cry for help, and it is all I can say without letting my tears escape from me once more. 

Because Aitana's words are nothing I don't know, but the fact that she is saying them, that she feels the need to tell me all that, is enough to tell me that it is not clear to anyone that I already know. 

Because I have been a bad sister, I am not denying it. 

And I am guilty, I feel absolutely terrible. 

Mami said to leave her alone, let her come to me, but I don't think that was her best advice any more, because my sister is struggling. 

She is struggling and I am only making it worse. 

But I can't do anything about it. 

When she was little, she would be the person I would go to when I needed to be cheered up. She would make me smile, laugh, feel better about myself and the world around me. Her small arms would wrap around me, her chubby fingers would wipe my tears from my face and she would chatter and giggle into my ears until I was smiling again. 

She was the light in our household when Papi died, but I think that was partially because she didn't understand what was happening. 

We avoided his study like it had the plague, she would go and sit on the piano stall, practicing the songs he had taught her. 

She gave us endless cuddles, basking in our attention, her heart set on making us feel better, on putting a smile back on our faces. 

She made the darkest time of our lives bearable, she helped me get through the hardest times of my life. 

And this... this is how I repay her. 

"Ale... Alexia? Ale." Mapi's hand is on my shoulder and Aitana looks at me curiously. 

"Stop, just... stop." My voice is soft, and Mapi's eyes soften as I slide down the wall behind me. "I just... I don't know what to do."

Mapi sits down beside me, perhaps thinking that maybe she had been too harsh. 

"I had Elena over yesterday." Mapi's voice is quiet. "She said... she said she misses you, Alexia. And that... she said you told her you were going to take a step back. She thinks you already did. She doesn't want that. She just wants you."

"But I have ruined everything, Maria. This is all my fault." A singular tear finds itself on my cheek and Mapi places an arm around me. 

"You're right, you made so many mistakes. But I know you, I know you love her. She means everything to you. And she loves you as well, Ale. I know you two can get through this, but she is struggling to stay afloat with all this pressure and no support. Aitana and I... we need to look out for her because your Mami works all the time and she doesn't want to burden Alba with her problems and ruin her life. We need to be there for her at the moment because the poor girl is crumbling."

I wish she would realise that I am crumbling too. 

Olga is always there to hold me, to calm me down, but as much as she tries, she can't understand what is going on with Elena. She doesn't know Elena, which I know is my fault. 

But Mami is angry with me, so is Alba. For good reason. 

And Mapi is my best friend, but she needs to be there for Elena. 

All I want to do is cry out for help, but I know I can not because I caused it. 

"I am taking Elena out this afternoon." Aitana speaks up from where she has been stood silently. "I will talk to her again, we will work on it. I'm going to go now, but Alexia, if you need to, you can talk to any one of us."

I nod at her, trying to muster a smile onto my face as she walks back into the changing room. 

"Mapi, you are my best friend." 

She nods. 

"You will be honest?"

She nods again. 

"Do you think this is fixable? Do you think I've ruined my chance of ever getting my Lena back?" 

She rests her head on my shoulder. 

"I hope so. I miss seeing the smiles on both of your faces and truthfully, I don't think that Elena will thrive here if she keeps going on like this. She needs support, from you, your Mami and your sister and I don't really think she is getting it."

"But Mami and Alba are there for her!" I find myself getting defensive of my family. 

"I know they are, but she needs more than that at the moment. She has been skipping school because nobody is home to tell her to go to it, she has been skipping meals because nobody is home to eat with her. She doesn't sleep properly, she doesn't eat properly. It is not your mother's fault that she has to work, or Alba's fault that Elena doesn't want to burden her, but she needs more support than she is getting." 

My brain is telling me that Mapi is wrong, that my sister is fine, that my family is fine. But in my heart, I know she is right. And it makes me feel sick. 

Because if it wasn't for me being such a terrible sister, such a terrible person, Elena would not be struggling so much. She would not need Mami or Alba as much as she does, she would be thriving in this environment. 

But she is not. 

The pressure is something I only really felt when I got older, when I had thicker skin. I had a force of people around me to fall back on, to get support from. But Elena has so much pressure building on her at 15, with less experience, with less people to support her. 

And the pressure will keep building and building on top of her, until it is so high that everything falls over, falling down on top of her until she breaks. 

As if reading my mind, Mapi continues after her pause. 

"And if she does crumble under all this pressure, she will need so much support. Aitana and I will be there for her, if nobody else is."

~~~~~~ hope you enjoyed :)

Will probably be back to elena's perspective next chapter, just thought it'd be easier to write this in a different one

part VI

[rafedaddy01]

An: this is inspired by a TikTok I saw. Yes the TikTok was a passage from a smut book. I’m not taking credit for this idea! It just simply sparked my own twist on it. I’m not sure what the book was called, it wasn’t on the TikTok, but I remember the scenario and thought I’d share it with you guys

You were trying to make topper jealous. Ever since he broke up with you for your best friend Sarah you weren’t the same. And what better way to get back at the both of them than to date Rafe, toppers bestfriend and Sarah’s brother.

Although date would be a strong word to use. You utterly despised the man and he you, so the two of you came to an agreement. He also had his issues towards topper and Sarah so the two of you decided to fake date.

The deal was that while you were out in public you’d be the lovey dovey, perfect couple. And it worked. For the most part.

When the two of you were in private the bickering never stopped.

Tonight was another typical Friday night kook party, it had only been a week since topper dumped you and 3 days since you and Rafe came out as a ‘couple’.

“Just put your arm around me” you whispered, frustrated, as you sat in Rafes lap. He rolled his eyes but obliged. His arm snaked around your waist, pulling you closer to his body. Your breath hitched.

You didn’t really despise Rafe as much as you showed him. In reality the only reason you started dating topper was to get to Rafe, but topper ended up being sweet and you fell for him and now you lost him.

“Quick, pretend I said something cute” you plaster on a smile and wrap your arms around Rafes neck, leaning in closer. “What?” He scoffs. “Do it!” You say through gritted teeth as you slyly nod your head in the direction of topper and Sarah.

Rafe smiles and leans closer, lips almost touching yours. Your breath catches as you feel the warmth of his breath fan your skin. “What’s wrong princess? This too much for you” he smirks as he notices your breathing getting uneven. “Not at all” you pull yourself together and mash your lips on his, moving your hips a little, subconsciously grinding on his lap.

Rafe freezes for a minute before kissing you back. The two of you get caught up in the moment before a throat clears behind you.

You pull away and look into each others eyes but someone speaks up and ruins the intimate moment.

“What are you two doing” you turn your head and spot Sarah and topper cozied up on the couch with kelce to their right lighting up a blunt. “When did you two become a thing” Sarah’s disgust is clear on her face almost as much as toppers anger is.

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business” you fake a smile at the couple before turning yourself around and getting off Rafes lap, only for him to tug you back by the waist. So now your sitting facing the group, Rafes thigh in between your legs, pressed right on your clit.

“I was just waiting for this Jackass to dump her so I could have her all to myself, right baby?” Rafe glares at topper.

You never knew what they had between them, Rafe never shared that with you and whenever you tried bringing it up he simply shut you down.

“Right daddy” you drag out the last word as you turn your head and pull Rafes face towards yours. Your lips crashing over each other.

You pull away and smile, Rafes eyes scan over your face. Searching your eyes for something until he clears his throat and sits back.

You relax in his lap as the night goes on. A couple drinks in and a little buzzed from the blunt that was passed around the small group forming in the living room. Topper and Sarah were still on the couch. You’d catch toppers eyes in your direction a couple times but you tried to ignore it, not showing him how desperately you wanted him.

As everyone around you started chatting you felt Rafes hands move to your hips. He started slowly moving you back and forth as his leg lightly shook underneath you.

Your glossy eyes shot opened. “Rafe!” You turned your head in his direction, meeting his clear blue eyes. “What princess” he said the last word a little sternly and that’s all you needed to know that you had eyes on you. “Can I not have some fun with my girl” one of Rafes hands moved to your bare thigh, lifting the material of your skirt up and inch as he drew shapes on the bare skin.

You hated to admit it but you were soaked. You took control of your own body as you tried to casually grind down on his leg. Rubbing your clit over his muscular thigh and putting just the right amount of pressure to make a small whimper come out your mouth.

Rafe pushed your hair off your shoulder before you felt his breath against your ear. “Your such a good fucking girl.” The praise he gives you encourages you more and you forget that your supposed to be making topper jealous. Savoring the moment you start grinding harder, everybody’s in their own world either too high or drunk to notice you pathetically getting off on Rafes thigh. “I knew you would be” Rafes hot breath hits your neck before he’d kissing and sucking and that sends you into a spiral, orgasm hitting you like a truck. “She ever moan for you like that top?”

Taglist

@f4ll-for-you @v21sstuff @rafeysworldim19 @baby19sthings @sevenwivesofrafecameron @rxfecameronsslut @findapenny @r1vrsefx @spencerreidsrealgf @rafescokenostril @thievin-stealing @hoesindifferentshows @rafemotherfuckingcameron @dilvcv

[yunniverse]

Apples

౨ৎ PAIRING— choi jongho x reader

౨ৎ GENRE— fluff, established relationship, fem!reader

౨ৎ WARNINGS— little bit of angst, mostly fluff, jongho’s affectionate

౨ৎ WORD COUNT— 1.3k

౨ৎ SUMMARY— jongho is uncharacteristically affectionate tonight, but you have no quarrels with that.

౨ৎ A/N— happy belated birthday, jongho! <3 feedback is appreciated and thanks for reading, lovelies!

Are you sure you want to try this?" You frown at Jongho, shooting him a small glare, "Yes! I'm strong." "I didn't say you weren't," he responds, quirking an eyebrow at you in amusement as he watches you hold the apple. "So, don't smirk at me," you pout, making him laugh. "I'm not!" he defends. "I think it's cute you want to try." "Cute?" you scoff. "I just want to prove I'm as good as my boyfriend." "You are, honey," Jongho tells you, grabbing an apple himself, sticking his thumbs in the top, successfully breaking it in half with barely any effort. "Show off," you grumble, causing him to stand up from his chair at the table, coming behind you to slide his hands around your waist, tugging you backwards into him, his chin resting on your shoulder. You try pushing him off of you, but he doesn't budge, as if mocking you with his strength, even though you know that's not what he's doing. "Jongs," you whine, gripping the apple a little harder. "I'm trying to prove myself!"

"You could try to do this for another half hour," Jongho tells you before squeezing you a little tighter, tilting his face toward you, causing your heart to start racing. You haven't been dating Jongho for long, only six months, and he isn't usually one for physical touch. So, this is new. "Or… we could go watch a movie on the couch with some popcorn." "So, this is what you do when you want something?" you ask, turning to face him, your face only a few inches from his. "I just want cuddles," Jongho tries his puppy eyes, which he knows you can't resist. "At least break this apple for me," you turn in Jongho's grip, facing him, as he looks down at the apple in your hands. "I'm so annoyed with it, since it's the one that hasn't broken for like an hour." "Thirty minutes, but yeah," Jongho corrects, causing you to shoot him a playful glare, shoving him a little. His fingers brush yours as he takes the apple, causing a blush to fill your cheeks, which Jongho notices but simply smiles. "Hey, it matches your hair," you point out, giggling, as you ruffle his red hair.

"Oh, yeah?" he asks, trying to look up at his own hair, making you laugh even harder. Once you calm down, Jongho smiles softly at your cuteness before gesturing to the apple. "If I can do this, do I get a kiss?" he asks cheekily, giving you a small wink. "Bold," you respond, catching his gaze, as you smile shyly, knowing he's joking, since you both haven't kissed yet. "I'll think about it." Placing his thumbs in the top, Jongho watches you as you watch his fingers. Five seconds later, the apple is broken and you're once again in shock. "How do you do that?" you ask, still staring at his hands and the apple halves. "I work out," Jongho shrugs, making you look up at him with an offended look. "I work out, too!" you exclaim, causing him to laugh. "It takes a little while," Jongho teases, reaching up to brush his thumb across your cheek. "You have to work at it." "You're being really affectionate today," you point out, mumbling a little because of the close proximity. He shrugs, booping your nose. Your mouth literally falls open, and Jongho laughs, his smile bright, as he catches your wide eyed gaze. "So…" he trails off, moving a little closer. "Where's my kiss? I earned it, didn't I?" "You were serious?" you ask, astonished. "Would I have said it if I wasn't?" Jongho asks, tilting his head slightly. "I thought you were joking," you whisper, feeling your heartbeat speed up the closer he gets. "Can I?" Jongho asks softly, his voice barely audible, his thumb brushing against your cheek again. You nod and he closes the gap, his lips meeting yours in a super soft, gentle kiss, just like you expected a kiss from Jongho to be. You respond immediately, your hand moving to rest behind his neck, pulling him a little closer. He pulls away a few moments later, and you can't help but smile, overwhelmed by happiness. "So, cuddles and a movie?" Jongho tries again, the puppy eyes reappearing, this time with a joyful glint in his eyes. "I'd love that," you tell him, leaning in for another quick peck before you hop down from the chair at the counter. Jongho follows you as you toss a grin over your shoulder at him, reaching for his hand and intertwining your fingers with his. "I just got a brilliant idea!" "What's that?" Jongho asks you, tilting his chin up at you in question, squeezing your hand affectionately. "If you kiss me enough times, maybe your strength will transfer to me and I can break apples!" you bounce on your feet, smiling cheekily at him.

Jongho stares at you like you're crazy for a second before he chuckles, shaking his head, "If you want more kisses, just ask, baby." "Oh, I'm your baby now?" you quirk an eyebrow, trying to hide how flustered you are by the new nickname. "Do you want to be?" he asks, sounding a little teasing. "Yes!" you answer quickly, then clear your throat, laughing shyly. "I mean, sure, why not?" "You're so cute," Jongho smiles, his real smile you love so much. "You're cuter," you tell him, booping his nose like he did to yours earlier, as you pull him toward the couch, plopping down on the soft cushions. He doesn't sit down at first, standing above you, so you pout up at him, tugging his hand and the sleeve of his soft, black sweater. "C'mere," you tell him. "I have to get the snacks," he laughs, acting like he's trying to escape from your grip, even though you know he could easily get out. "You could get them later," you pout once again, really wanting him close. "Hm," he hums, thinking, before finally giving in, sitting next to you. You immediately cuddle into him. About fifteen minutes into one of your favorite movies, you glance up at Jongho, who is invested in the movie, his eyebrows pinched together slightly. "Jongs?" you whisper, causing him to hum, still watching the movie. "You're really talented," you finish. Jongho looks down at you, smiling softly, "Thank you, honey." "And pretty," you continue, reaching up to brush some of his hair out of his eyes. He chuckles a little, shaking his head at you, knowing something is coming. "And strong," you finish cheekily, sliding your hand down to his bicep, squeezing slightly. You're actually a little shocked at the amount of muscle. "What are you doing?" Jongho asks, an amused look on his face. "Nothing," you respond slowly, biting your lip a little. "Just imagining how good you'd look in a muscle shirt." "You're missing the movie," Jongho tries to change the subject, causing you to squeeze his arm a little harder, grabbing his other hand with your free hand, playing with his fingers. "I've seen it before," you counter, sticking your tongue out playfully. "Well, I havent," Jongho responds pointedly, and you roll your eyes, but you smile at his obvious shyness. As the movie continues, you intertwine your fingers with Jongho's, causing him to glance down at your joined hands with a soft smile on his lips. "Jongho?" you question softly after a few minutes of silence.

"Hm?" Jongho hums yet again, this time sparing you a glance. When he does, he notices your puckered lips, and he laughs, granting you your wish. After the gentle kiss, you sigh contentedly, leaning into him a little more, squeezing your hand into his. "You know," you start after a few moments, making Jongho look down at you, once again taking his eyes off the movie, which has been all but forgotten by you at this point. "If Atiny ever asks, I can tell them." "Tell them what?" Jongho asks curiously, leaning his head against the top of yours, where it's resting comfortably on his shoulder. "That you taste like apples."

[mustainegf]

Friends with benefits typa thing with 1991 James, reader has been friends with him since 83 and knows Kirk, lars and Jason real well. AND LIKE MAKE HIM CONFESS HE WROTE NOTHINF ELSE MATTER ABOUT THE READER. And like end up fucking backstage after performing it 🙏🏻🫶

DONT YOU DARE MAKE ME CRY.

𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐄𝐋𝐒𝐄 𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 ¹⁹⁹¹

I’d known James for many years. That bond between us was always quite firm. Things had recently become pretty intimate. I will say we hooked up a few times in our friendship, just two friends seeking something more during lonely nights on the road.

One night, after a great show show, we just sat around on the tour bus. Adrenaline was still high, beers were flowing.

James and Lars were knocked out from performance, having gone directly to bed, shockingly. So I, Kirk, and Jason sat around and let the liquor flow.

"Hey, turn up the radio," Jason said suddenly, his eyes lighting up. "I think that's one of our new tracks."

Then, sure enough, the soft melody of Nothing Else Matters filled the small space of that tour bus.

It was quite a far cry from the usual thrash metal Metallica creation. This song was somber, simply beautiful. I found myself immediately in love with it since the day they played it for me in the studio.

"I really like this one," I said aloud to no one in particular. "It's different."

Kirk chuckled and glanced over at Jason. "Oh, you know all about this song," he said, his eyes sparkling with tipsiness.

I raised an eyebrow. "What’s that supposed to mean?"

Jason turned to Kirk, then back to me. "Wait, you don't know?"

"Know what?" I asked, a weird sense of anticipation.

"James didn't tell you?" Kirk asked, lowering his voice so James wouldn't hear from his bunk.

I shook my head, completely baffled as i glanced around for any clue as to what’s they meant. "Tell me what?"

Kirk leaned forward, his face now dead serious. "He wrote this song about you."

I just sat there staring at him, my brain stumbling over the thought. "About.. me?"

Jason nodded, his face softening with a knowing smile. "Yeah. Ever wonder why it sounds so personal?"

I was floored. Absolutely floored. Of all the things that I had contributed to the scale of imaginations in my mind, this wasn't one.

James wrote a song for me? I replayed again, this time each word sounding all new.

"But, why?" I stuttered.

Kirk and Jason exchanged another look, as if wordlessly passing along a secret they both shared. "Because you mean a lot to him," Kirk explained conclusively. "More than you might realize."

I sank back, my heart thudding inside my chest. The lyrics looped in my mind, the tune entwining itself into my thoughts. James, who I had known for so many years, my friend, and lately so much more, had laid his heart out in this damn song. A song about me.

Everything had become pretty fuzzy in the days since Kirk and Jason's secret. That conversation just kept playing over in my head. The knowledge James had written that song about me left me unable to breathe.

I sat backstage at one of their concerts tonight, just like I usually did. The crowd roar and the all knowing riffs of Metallica pierced the air, but my thoughts strayed strong.

I sat there, lost, replaying the moments I shared with James, not able to shake off that my heart filled with an emotion I had been trying to ignore for years.

The final song began.

Nothing else matters, those sweet open notes.

I watched James up on stage, his voice pouring out something so raw. He looked so vulnerable in that circle of light.

I am thinking of James, of his smile, wide, sweetly bent, which can still make me smile. His laughter is soft and amused sometimes, other times, it's loud and proud. He has such a big heart, which maybe he would have covered up with an exterior of toughness, but there was unmistakable proof in his acts. He was just a big teddy bear, really.

I thought about the times we had shared, nights that we spent as lovers. The way he touched me, held me, kissed me, made love to me. It wasn't just sex, it was something deeper, something more.

I felt my eyes swim with tears as he sang. The lyrics glowed of love, longing, all the same things that I had suppressed, feared admitting.

All along, I had been trying to tell myself it was just a friends with benefits thing, no strings attached, that sort of thing. Yet now, with this song playing, knowing it to be about me, it was impossible to keep lying to myself.

I loved James. And always had.

As the last plucking notes of the song ceased into the applause of the many fans, something hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I was in love with James. But now, denying it wasn't possible. I loved him.

Later that evening, we started back to the hotel. The streets were empty, at times, only the sound of our footsteps could be heard.

That song still stirred something inside me. I walked along with James, taking quick looks at him, my heart racing with all the things I wanted to say. But didn’t.

Finally, we reached the hotel, and James excused himself. "Hey, can you come with me for a second?" he asked, looking at me with a face he clearly wanted to look hesitant.

I nodded, my lips curling up slightly. "Sure."

We walked down the hallway to his room, until at last he stopped and turned toward me.

"So uh… Don't freak out," he started off awkwardly, rubbing the back of his head. "The guys convinced me to tell you what I'm about to say."

I nodded again. My stomach practically doing flips as I knew what he was about to say. "Okay, shoot."

He sucked in a deep breath and looked around looking more nervous than I’d ever seen the man. "I, uh… I don't really know how to say this, but…the song, you know.. 'Nothing Else Matters'…I wrote it about you. For you."

"About me?" I whispered, even though I already knew. Hearing him say it was different.

James nodded, his eyes finally meeting mine. "Yeah. I… I wasn’t gonna tell you, but Kirk and Jason wouldn't let it go."

"Why would you write something so beautiful about me?" I queried softly.

James stepped closer, his voice whisper soft now.

“Because I love you.”

His words strung in the air between us, then came the kiss, soft and full of passion, full of all the love that had been built up inside me during all those many days. His hands rested lightly on my hips, and I felt right.

I pulled back just an inch, my forehead still against his. "James… promise me this means something, that we won't go right back to being friends," I whispered, referring to all those other times when, well, we'd made out, even fucked, without meaning anything by it.

He stared into my eyes. "The last thing I want is to just be friends.”

A grin spread across his face as he swung me up and into another kiss. Our lips had barely touched when he pushed open the door to his hotel room, sweeping me inside before he kicked it shut behind us a little more gently.

The latch clicked, and the sound bounced in the room.

We both giggled, the laughter blending with the kisses, our joy filling the room. His hands took their place all over my body.

He laid me softly on the bed, crawling over me. His lips found mine again, and this kiss was slow, full promises.

His hands were absolutely everywhere, stroking down my sides, brushing and squeezing against my breasts, finally resting on my hips.

"I love you," he breathed against my lips.

"I love you too, James…” I whined in return, just hardly a breathy sigh.

He shifted in weight, moving between my legs, his erection pressing insistently against my thigh. I felt the heat of him, the hardness that told me of his deep need.

We stripped ourselves down, pecks and smiles given between each article of clothing that was tossed to the floor.

Slowly, he guided himself to me the head of his cock nudged against my wetness. It was familiar, but different this time. It meant something.

My hands clutched at his back, my nails dragging in a little as he started to push inside.

"God, you feel so good," he groaned out. "So perfect for me…”

That stretch was fucking perfect, a mix of pleasure and slight ache as he filled me up. Slowly but surely, his cock slid into me, inch by inch, and sank deeper.

I just cannot describe this feeling of being inside.

"You're so big," I whimpered again. "I love how you feel inside me..." I told him earnestly, I knew it would get him riled up.

"I love being inside you," he replied with a chuckle despite the growl. "You make me feel so good, baby… you always do."

Once he was bottoming out, the thrusts began almost simultaneously, each pump a reasoned peice of his love. I felt every inch of him, the way his cock stretched and filled me up completely, how it rubbed against all the right places inside.

"You feel amazing," he murmured again, his lips against my ear. "So, so tight. My good girl."

My hips lifted to his thrusts, and we moved together. The sounds of our lovemaking were quite evident, the wet slap of our bodies coming together, the endless gasps and moans becoming a mess.

"James," I groaned, grasping at his neck and tugging him closer as he moved inside me. "Oh God, yes. Just like that!” I wailed.

His tongue delved deep into my mouth, as did his cock. I felt the heat of him, the slick pulsing hardness that filled me so well, better than anyone or anything ever could.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered against my lips, breath hot. "I love you so much."

"I love you too," I gasped, my body arching against his as my pricked nipples grazed his sweaty chest. "I love you so much, James."

His thrusts quickened, grew harder, urgent, sloppy. I could feel that tension tightening and tightening in my tummy.

His cock pounded inside me, each beat forcing me closer to cumming.

"You're my everything," he groaned thickly. "My beautiful girl. You're so good for me.”

"Yes," I groaned, my nails clawing into his back and probably leaving vulgar marks. "I'm yours, J-James. Always."

I could feel him throbbing inside me, its heat a delicious reminder of his lust for me.

"Cum for me," he whispered, his voice at once a command and plea. "Cum for me, baby."

The final push that sent me over the brink. My climax ripped over me. I clung to his body, my frame shaking as He fucked me through it.

It was only second later and James followed, his member pulsing as he roared. I felt the hot, wet rush of his cum, flooding me. He groaned my name, every inch of us trembled, from our legs to our voices.

He kissed me lightly, lips tender. “You're amazing," he breathed in my ear.

This was where I was mean to be, with James.

And nothing else matters.

[gepardling]

captain's mercy w/ gepard.

desc. : I needed a day to cleanse myself after writing this. Gepard takes a step out of his comfort zone, but he kind of enjoys exerting some authority over you... (wc : 2k)

tags / cw : nsfw, afab!reader, fingering, overstimulation, crying :((, unprotected sex (wrap it b4 u tap it!), power play (?) kind of, gepard has you entirely at his mercy (willingly), one (1) spank, choking (not really, but worth the tag)

Spontaneity was never Gepard's strong point, and he was almost painfully aware of it. When he knew something was meant to happen, he needed to have utmost control over the situation. He needed to plan it out in his head ahead of time, laying out every single possibility and its outcome so that he could decide how he would handle the situation. But when Gepard was stripped of this control, he couldn't tell left from right or up from down, and everything in his mind became one jumbled, pretty kettle of fish. So, of course, he becomes a flustered, stammering mess when you confront him in the bedroom, saying that you didn't want things to proceed as they usually do. 

You were seated above him, holding both of his hands down by the wrists. There was a mischievous glint to your eyes that Gepard didn’t like one bit. He trusted you, but sometimes your antics could be… Concerning, to say the least. He felt a lump rise in his throat involuntarily, before he willed himself to gulp it down. Just the way you were staring at him alone was making his face light up in bright red. 

“I think that,” you finally began, breaking the tense silence that clung to the air like a vice. “You…” tantalizingly slow, you trail one of your nails up his chest, eyes following the motion before coming to rest on his lips, “Should treat me a little rougher tonight.”

Gepard’s eyes widened momentarily, flickering nervously around the room. “What do you mean by that?” he asks, attempting to mask the way his voice shakes with a quick cough. Though it’s hard to deny how he feels when he’s more than sure you can feel the way his veins pulse under his skin.

A gentle smile graced your lips, momentarily breaking your facade. “I don’t want you to be gentle tonight, Geppie,” you speak softly, but Gepard heard your voice loud and clear. Almost too loud, in fact, wincing the moment those words left your lips. You can’t help but let a small giggle slip at his jumpiness. He could be so cute sometimes, especially in vulnerable moments like these.

“What do you want me to do, then?” He asks, apprehension laced in his voice. For the first time, he was able to make proper eye contact with you, and you were certain you saw a glint of endearment in those sapphire eyes of his. 

You laid your head down on his chest, drawing small circles into his side with your fingertips. Your touch was enough to ignite thousands of tiny fires underneath his skin. “I need you to have your way with me,” you reply, laughing softly at the way his heartbeat sped up at your little request. “Treat me like one of your soldiers, Gepard.” 

Oh, okay then. There goes the last bit of control he thought he had over the situation.

“How do you want me to do that?”

“You know exactly how.” Your reply was sudden, without missing a beat. You sat upright once more before slipping off of him, taking your place to his side. His gaze followed your every move tentatively, watching you like a hawk. But all you did in return was smile up at him innocently, waiting for him to make the next move. “Well?” you ask, a teasing lilt to your tone, “You’re not just going to take my insubordination, are you?”

Insubordination… Well that was one way to put it. Slowly, Gepard shifted his weight, moving himself over you. Your head was caged between his arms as he looked down at you, studying your face for a hint of emotion, anything. But the moment he decided it was safe to move his head down to kiss you, you simply rolled over onto your tummy. Ah, so that’s how it’s going to be. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” He asks, lips pressed hotly to the shell of your ear. Every syllable sends a shiver down your spine, and there’s a certain heaviness to his tone that you can’t quite describe. The way his breath fanned the side of your face is enough to spark that little fire of desire in your core. When you simply refused to answer, instead closing your eyes and feigning sleep, Gepard could feel one of the many threads of his patience snap. Of all the places to feel like he’s doing his job, it had to be the bedroom. 

“I think I asked you a question,” he persisted, tone tinged with exasperation. Though his voice was steady, there was still a slight shake in the way his hand trailed down your lower back. It came to rest on your backside, unmoving but firm. When he pulled back, you braced yourself for the impact that never came and Gepard took notice of the way your shoulders tensed. He was never planning on hitting you in the first place, but when he turned his attention to your now-glistening cunt, he figured he knew why you reacted the way you did. 

The puzzle pieces are slowly beginning to fit together in his mind, and he starts to understand what it really is that you want him to do. He’d be damned if he didn’t try his best to deliver on your wishes, but the territory was a bit foreign to him. With a vice-like grip on your hips, he dragged them upwards and angled them down, leaving you ass up, face down on the mattress. You kept your lips pursed, waiting to see where he was going with this. 

Slowly, he pressed a palm flat against your cunt before gently trailing his fingers up and down your folds. One of them reached forwards, rubbing soft circles around your clit. Instinctively, you bucked your hips back against his hand, wanting to feel more of his touch. But Gepard pulled back instantly at your impatience, leaving you to whine weakly in protest. 

Gepard put his other hand back on your hip, tight grip holding you in place. His hand returned to your folds, slipping two fingers into your sopping cunt. You hissed at the intrusion, his cold fingers prodding around your walls in search of that one spot. When he pressed against it tentatively, your gentle sigh was telltale enough for him to continue. Gepard’s hand got to work, the rough pads of his fingers massaging your walls with every thrust. 

He quickly worked you up to your pleasure point, and soon the feeling became too much to bear. Your release coated his wrist in a sticky mess as he continues to work you open, fingers scissoring your walls with no sign of stopping. The air is filled with the melodic squelching of your cunt against his palm and your breathy squeals of pleasure, a tune that plays in sweet harmony in his mind. But he doesn’t stop at one orgasm, no, he keeps going. 

Two, three, four, you’ve lost count at this point. Your hand would’ve cramped up long ago, but Gepard’s stamina was seemingly unmatched. “P-Please,” Your voice breaks his concentration, a weak protest falling on his ears, “No more, please…” But your pleading is futile, and Gepard leaned over you to speak in your ear once more. 

“You told me to have my way with you,” He spoke, tone low and daring. “Good soldiers follow orders, isn’t that what you wanted?” It made the breath hitch in your throat as you meekly hid your face in the pillow, a vain attempt at escaping his calculating gaze. You shook your head, tears threatening to spill from your eyes as you tried and failed to escape his hold. The weakness of your knees made you sob pathetically, and it felt like your body was betraying your every whim to escape the overwhelming feeling. 

“Too much,” you croaked, fighting back the tears that continued to well up in your eyes. You didn’t think that Gepard could be so relentless, especially after he seemed so hesitant to indulge your desires. Yet he persisted, ignoring your plea for mercy. In a final show of defiance, you pulled yourself from his grip, laying your tummy flat on the bed. Your cunt continued to throb with overstimulation, but the cramp in your knees was immediately soothed. Gepard, however, wasn’t too impressed with your disobedience. 

Though it wasn’t that hard, the sudden impact on your ass had you jolt, jittery veins of pleasure surging towards your core. “Seeing as you can’t take what’s given to you,” Gepard’s voice was cold, almost uncharacteristic of your normally-gentle lover. “You leave me no choice but to exert authority.” The clinking of his belt made your head perk up with a mix of apprehension and excitement before he pressed his hardness to your hot core. 

He put his hands on your hips, slowly dragging them back up from where they rest on the bed, before plunging his cock deep into your cunt. At this point, your mind was swimming with pleasure, choosing to embrace the way your cunt greedily sucked in his cock rather than fight against the stimulation. The first thrust made your head spin, but his pace remained slow, and you needed him deeper. "Captain," you called out airily, tilting your head back to look at him, "You can do better than that..."

The final thread of his patience snapped, and Gepard was just about done with your antics. He turned your head back to the front, before pushing it down to the pillow. "You're only to speak when spoken to," he bites back, shoving his cock deeper into your core. You could only whine pathetically at the way he stretched you open, adopting a much rougher pace. His hand trailed from your head towards your arm, grabbing your wrist and pinning it against your back.

He used his grip on your arm as leverage to piston his length in and out of your slippery cunt. The force he used made you keen, breathy gasps of pleasure mixing with the wet, vulgar sound of skin on skin. Gepard’s eyes were trained intently on the spot you two were connected, not paying much mind to the way you squirm in pleasure. When you did manage to catch his eye with a small cry of his name, he was quick to silence your pleas with a kiss, using his free hand to tilt your face towards his. 

His hand traveled down your face to rest on your neck, not pressing into the skin but rather reminding you of its presence. The feeling sent a flurry of pleasure straight to your core, causing your walls to flutter around him. He sucked in a breath, teetering close to the edge himself. The hand that wasn’t rested on your neck trailed down to your clit, rubbing fast circles around the swollen bud. The extra stimulation was all you needed to throw your body over the edge, mind tumbling into a sea of bliss. 

The spasming of your core helped Gepard reach his own high, burying himself as deep as he could before releasing his hot load. Your cunt milked him for all that he’s worth, waves of euphoria engulfing your body until all your senses went numb. Gepard helped you ride out your high, his gentle kisses to your back in stark contrast to the way he handled you earlier.

“How was that?” Gepard huffed, collapsing next to you on the soft mattress. One of his hands caressed the side of your face, gently pushing your tousled locks to the side. 

You could barely form any thoughts in your post-orgasmic haze, it was a miracle that Gepard himself still seemed composed. “Amazing…” you sighed breathily, closing your eyes to melt into his touch. “You should do that more often.” 

Gepard’s face flushed a deep red at your confession. He hadn’t gone too overboard, had he? But you seemed far too tired to discuss that right now, so maybe it would be best if he let you rest for now. After all, he was sure he’d properly overworked you this time. As you peacefully drifted off to sleep, he tenderly cleaned you up with a damp cloth before joining you in bed. He may have had his way, but his priority was always your well-being.

attempting to will the horny back into my body after retiring for 2 weeks to write my Rimworld vampire god vessel cinematic universe lore. I had to put my whole milkussy into this...

[greetings-and-salutations]

“There’s Plenty of Kish in The Sea, Right?”

Fred Weasley x Reader Part 1

Day 8 of the 13 Nights of Halloween Spooktacular!!!

Masterlist | Part 1 | Part 2

(Gif not mine)

Requested? No

Summary: Cedric wants to be a champion. (Y/n) wants him to live to see the end of the school year. Freddie just wants to be (Y/n)’s boyfriend…

Warnings: starred out swear words, jealous Freddie, Angst-kinda

Pairing: Fred Weasley x Fem!Reader (you’re a Hufflepuff)

(Y/n/n) - your nickname

The room was practically buzzing with anticipation. Dinner had been over and done with for what felt like ages, and yet no one had dared move from their seats. They remained, waiting. Because tonight was a big night. Tonight the students of Hogwarts, Beauxbatons, and Durmstrang would find out who had been chosen to compete in this years Triwizard Tournament.

“Calm down, Ced.” (Y/n) tried, her housemate and best friend practically bouncing in his seat, the anxiety flowing off of him in almost visible waves. (Y/n) herself was substantially less nervous, seeing as how her birthday wasn’t for a few more months and she was therefore ineligible for the event. Not that she’d have entered, anyhow. She valued her life, thank you very much. Cedric, however…

“I can’t help it (Y/n)! This is a huge deal! Finally, my chance to make something of myself… Ever since Harry got here it’s like I’m not good enough anymore and-“ Cedric ran his fingers through his hair in distress, (Y/n) frowning at his words, cutting him off with a comforting pat on the shoulder.

“Okay, calm down.” She ordered, the boy turning his body to look at her as she continued, knowing full well the true reasoning behind his nerves, and not liking his self-deprecation one bit… “Look, I know you want to make your dad proud, Ced. But, he loves you. And I’m sure he’ll love you just as much even if you don’t get chosen.” She ran her hand along his back in what she hoped were soothing circles, to which she was proven correct when the taller lad sunk into her embrace with a sigh.

“Thanks, (Y/n/n)… I suppose you’re right…” He mumbled, resting his head on her shoulder. (Y/n) chucked in response.

“Aren’t I always?” She asked, earning herself a playful shove back which had them both giggling. “You know, I’m still not even sure what would posses a person to want to do something like this.” (Y/n) noted, running her hand through Cedric’s hair mindlessly, as she voiced her thoughts on the tournament for what was quite possibly the millionth time. Previously, it had been in an attempt to talk the older boy out of it, though, more currently, it was simply out of spite, as there was nothing anyone could do once his name had been entered. Not that (Y/n) thought that out of all the names he’d get picked. Of course she wouldn’t be telling him that. He seemed so excited about it all. And it would be much easier to deal with a Cedric that was mad at the system for not choosing him than one mad at his best friend for not believing in him. No matter that the choice seemed relatively random…

Cedric just hummed, most likely to humor her strong opinions at this point, but (Y/n) didn’t mind, as she continued on.

“I was talking to Hermione and she said-“

“Shh!!! It’s starting!” Well, then…

+ + +

“Ahh the trusty old ‘stare at her until she notices you’ trick. Works every time.” George joked from beside Fred, who sent him the nastiest glare he could muster up, before returning his attention to the Hufflepuff across the room. He just couldn’t help it. She was gorgeous. Fred had been pretty much head-over-heels in love with her since they’d been paired up for potions the first day of third year. And, much to his twin brothers amusement, he’d been fairly useless as a human being around her ever since. It’s not like Fred meant to become a stuttering mess of a man every time he was within a ten foot radius of the girl. Under normal circumstances, he could flirt his way out of a jail sentence if he really wanted to. Fred was fairly proud of this fact. But, with (Y/n), it was like he was putty in her hands. And it was incredibly infuriating…

“Shove off, mate.” Fred grumbled, finally turning his attention away from the Hufflepuff table and back to the world around him when Cedric Diggory dropped his head to rest so f*cking adorably on (Y/n)’s shoulder. Fred briefly entertained the idea of a ‘disappearing’ prank on the older bloke, but, upon the realization that that was insane, opted to simply pout at the tabletop in front of him. A nudge from his other side gained his attention away from the wood grain, however, and Fred turned to Lee with a raised brow. “What?”

“You need to loosen up, Freddie. It’s one girl. What’s that muggle saying? ‘There’s plenty of kish in the sea’?” Lee offered, confusing the sh*t out of pretty much everyone present, before George made to correct him.

“‘Fish in the sea.’ ‘There’s plenty of fish in the sea’, mate.” He said, though nobody could hold in their snickers as Lee crossed his arms across his chest defensively. Even Fred managed a small smile before returning to a neutral expression (that one might consider rather downcast for the guy in question) when Lee jumped to his own defense.

“I’m pretty sure it was ‘kish.’” He argued, clearly causing George’s annoyance to grow, while Fred remained relatively unbothered. He wasn’t looking for a different ‘fish’ or ‘kish’ anyhow. He just wanted (Y/n)…

“Why the bloody hell would it be ‘kish’? What the f*ck is a ‘kish in the sea.’” George complained loudly, unintentionally firing Lee up more. Fred rolled his eyes.

“A good snog. Lip locking. Spit sharing. You know, a ‘kish.’” He enunciated his point with a loud smack of his own lips followed by a cheeky grin that probably meant he was proud of himself, for what, Fred didn’t know. That was just about the dumbest thing he’d ever heard, and he’d been sharing a house with Ron for the last fourteen years…

“You’re an absolute idiot.”

“Hey, you’re one to talk!”

“Why don’t you say that to my face, huh!?”

“You think I won’t!?”

“Get to it, then!”

“I will-“

“Shut up, you tossers! It’s starting!” Fred almost yelled, interrupting the fighting boys when he noticed Dumbledore making his way towards the goblet at the other end of the Hall. Finally. Something to distract him…

+ + +

“Cedric Diggory!”

W-what?

The table around (Y/n) felt like it was shaking. Hufflepuffs of all ages clapping and pounding on the hard wood in support of their champion. Of Cedric…

“(Y/n/n)!” And suddenly her feet were off the ground, her best friends arms wrapped around her tightly as he swung the younger girl around in his excitement, one that she could, regrettably, not join him in.

Cedric was going to compete in the triwizard tournament... The triwizard tournament… The incredibly dangerous triwizard tournament… Cedric…

“Oh my…” (Y/n) barely managed to breathe out, in complete and utter disbelief of the situation. Meanwhile, Cedric was practically glowing.

“I did it!” He spoke ecstatically into her ear as he put her back down on her own two feet, the biggest grin (Y/n) had ever seen spread across his face. It dimmed slightly, however, when he noticed her own worried expression, and realized that she did not share in his joy.

“Hey…” He mumbled, pulling her back in for another hug, though this one considerably calmer, which (Y/n) was grateful for. “I’m gonna be okay… I’m gonna win this thing. Yeah?” He whispered so softly (Y/n) wouldn’t have been able to hear him had he not been so close.

Now, she didn’t know how much she believed him, the concern for her friend eating away at the girl immensely, but (Y/n) gave him her best smile and nod anyway, knowing that all she could do at this point was support him. Merlin knows he’s going to need it…

“I’ve gotta go with the other champions but I’ll see you later, Okay?” And (Y/n) nodded again, holding her expression for as long as she could, before finally sighing in relief when he turned, and she could drop the act and allow herself to wallow in her true feelings. God, if she hadn’t been before, she surely was nervous now…

And that was all before the boy who lived was announced as the fourth champion…

+ + +

Could this day get any worse?

Fred thought not, as the current residents of the Great Hall all sprang to their feet and began chatting animatedly about the events that had just transpired. But Fred remained stationary in his seat, grip so tight on the tables edge that, had he cared, he’d be worried he might break it.

But Fred’s mind was elsewhere, going a mile a minute in just about a million different directions.

Cedric was the Hogwarts champion…

Harry put his name in the Goblet of Fire…

Cedric was all over (Y/n) when they called his name…

Why didn’t Harry tell George and I how to put ours in?

(Y/n) looked so worried when Cedric walked off to join the other champions…

Why doesn’t she look at me like that?

“You good, mate?” Fred heard George ask from beside him, but he didn’t answer. What could he say? “No, actually. I’m incredibly offended that the girl I like seems to fancy another guy, even though I’ve given her absolutely no reason to think I’m interested in her because I can’t f*cking talk to her without sounding like a complete and utter doof.” Yeah, that would be real helpful…

“Sorry, spaced.” Fred mumbled dumbly before finally getting to his feet. “I’m tired. Let’s go on up.”

Fred knew George was looking at him funny, but he didn’t have the energy to care, as the pair made their way out of the Hall, Fred, for the first time in over two years, not sparing a single glance at the Hufflepuff table…

There’s plenty of kish in the sea, right?

TO BE CONTINUED

Tag lists are open!!!

Tags: @electriclcvewp @missryerye @kaqua @miaandthediamonds @lolawassad @nani-2305 @etanordoesbullsh1t

[prolix-yuy]

i spun the wheel and got the Octopus 🐙 i have no idea what it is but i'm gonna request it with javi p! i am so curious to see what you do with this 😂

I was so hoping someone would get the Octopus! It's a little athletic, but Javi P is a well-versed man, I'm sure he can handle it.

Pairing: Javier Peña x F!Reader

Position: Octopus

Word Count: 1299

Warnings: Explicit, 18+ MINORS DNI, fingering (f receiving), unprotected PiV sex (don't be a fool, wrap your tool), brief oral sex (f receiving), discussions of negative self-image and body changes.

Notes: This can be read as a plus sized reader, or reader who has gone through a change in her body. It's not specific, but she does mention clothes not fitting right. Javi is here to quell some of that.

When Javier enters your apartment, a faint cloud of cigarette smoke and Big Red gum trailing, he doesn’t expect to find you sitting on the floor of your galley kitchen, mascara streaks down your face. Your legs are bare and spread wide to accommodate a pack of Virginia Slims and tumbler of bourbon. The baggy t-shirt barely covers the scalloped edge of your simpler panties - Javi had seen all of them by now, knows your mood by what you pull out or off. It’s a comfort outfit, and Javi can clearly see that’s what you need now.

“Hermosa, what’s wrong?” he says softly, kneeling beside you as you try wiping the dark streaks away. It only succeeds in smearing the mess around.

“It’s nothing, Javi, it’s…just girl stuff. I’m sorry, I thought you wouldn’t be coming tonight.”

Javi’s brows knit up, circling your ankle with his warm, strong hand.

“Why wouldn’t I come tonight?” he asks, rubbing soothing circles with his thumb as he watches your face. You bite your lip, exhaling hard like you’re frustrated with yourself.

“Julieta,” you say simply, crossing your arms and staring down at the ripples in the rocks glass. Javi shifts his jaw, settling down to lean on the cabinets across from you. The kitchen is too narrow to stretch his legs, digging the toe of his boots into the baseboards. 

“It wasn’t personal,” he says, hand still soft on you and eyes conveying as much apology as he can muster. 

Julieta is a new informant, embedded deep in the Colombian government and trying to dig herself out. She was snuck into the DEA offices today, fitted with a wire and given instructions on what conversations they needed to make moves. Javi had been the one to tape the wire to her chest, thick fingers gliding over smooth skin. She was nervous, flirting in that way that Javi knew meant nothing more than deflection from how scared she was. He spoke to her soothingly, and rebuttoned her blouse. At one point he held her hands in his and gave as inspirational of a speech about her bravery as he could manage. 

You must have seen. It must have hurt.

“I know it wasn’t, but then I thought, well if his eye is wandering, better give him something better to look at,” you say, words spilling out as you refuse to meet his eye. “So I went through all my clothes and tried on all the outfits I used to wear when I went out, and all the lingerie I had, and I just wanted to look really hot when you got here.” Your voice gets watery and Javi’s hands itch to pull you into his lap. “But I guess I’ve…changed or something, because everything fits weird or was too tight or emphasized all the wrong places and I just…it just hurt, that’s all. It made me feel bad about myself and I was already feeling bad about myself and I just hoped that you wouldn’t come tonight because I didn’t want to have to explain it to you because I know you would say…”

“What would I say?” Javi says, and it’s far from annoyed or angry. It’s understanding, and compassion. You sigh, and a small smile comes back to the surface.

“That it was work, and that you don’t have any attraction for her. That I’m…beautiful, and you wouldn’t be with anyone else but me. That you’re here, and that’s proof enough of how you feel.”

Javi smirks, sadness starting to fizzle off your bodies.

“Guess you’ve been listening then,” he says, smoothing his hand up your calf.

“She was really pretty. Smart. Brave,” you say quietly, and Javi finally holds his hands out. You follow easily, letting him drag you into his lap. Fitting his forehead under your chin, you both breathe for a moment as he lays soothing paths along your back.

“Can I show you what you are?” he murmurs, lips plush against your neck. Hands roaming, he kneads at all the places you bemoaned before, pressing you down on his hips so you can feel his cock fill against the harsh zip of his jeans.

“You’re kind,” he says, sucking on your collarbone just enough to sting. “And resourceful. Patient. Clever.” His hands travel up to cup your breasts, thumb swiping over your nipples to make you suck in a breath. “So fucking sexy. Delicious. Perfect.” He shucks your t-shirt up your chest to take one peaked bud into his mouth, swirling his tongue and sucking as he begins thumbing at your clit through your underwear.

“Javi,” you breathe, emotion crumpling the edges of the calm you’d finally achieved. 

“Look at you,” he rasps, tilting you back to sit between his splayed legs. He drags your panties down your thighs, discarding them somewhere to be found later. Cool air caresses your folds just before Javi’s rough fingers part you, sliding from your entrance to your clit. 

“Javi please, I can’t…” you plead, and Javi’s helpless to deny you. Fishing himself out of his jeans, he angles himself down to notch at your entrance. 

“I’ve got you, hermosa,” he soothes, pressing into your slick pussy with incredible restraint. Your head falls back against the cabinets, fingers scrabbling on the linoleum. Your face pinches in pleasure, but it’s not enough. He needs to show you more, better, what you deserve from a man that has walked the wrong path often enough to know what the right one looks like.

“I’ve got you,” he says again, fitting his hands under your calves to lift them up and onto his shoulders. You whine, the new stretch intense as he plunges deeper into you, helping hold your hips as you plant your hands behind you. It’s cramped and awkward and hard on his back but you’re looking at him like he’s hung the moon and if Javi doesn’t concentrate he’s going to bust right now.

He doesn’t have much leverage this way, but he can thrust deeper in, the slide out just enough before pummeling against your g-spot again and again. He knows he’s hitting it just right when you ride him back, tilting your hips to zero in on every pleasure center he can light up. Banding an arm across your thighs, he buries a hand between your legs and rubs the flat of his thumb over your drenched clit frantically. He’s not gonna last, you’re too good like this, you’re too good for him, he’s gonna…

“Javi, I’m cum…” you try to say before clamping hard on his cock, forcefully drawing his orgasm out and into your climaxing cunt. He hisses and curses through his teeth while you rock and gasp on his cock. When the final flutters subside he guides your legs back down, but instead of pulling out he lifts you back onto his lap, pulling you into a warm embrace that has his own heart swelling.

“I’ve never met anyone like you, hermosa,” he says, letting you lean back and take his face in your hands. The kisses that follow are slow and indulgent, as sticky as the cum now dripping out of you. Javi reluctantly slips out, watching your face relax and fill with adoration.

What does Javi want with adoration? To reward it, of course.

Quicker than you expect, he lifts and lowers you to the floor, peeling your t-shirt up and over your head. 

“I’m glad you didn’t find anything to wear. I much prefer you like this,” he teases, sliding back down your body to kiss your swollen clit. Your hips buck, snapping his gaze up to you.

Your eyes say thank you.

His reply I’ll spend eternity proving it all to you.

Then he dives in to prove it three more times tonight.

END

LJ’s Bangathon 2023

[gleefullypolin]

Stacy's Tipsy Musings: Battle of the Stans Round 1 Penelope

I'm baaaaaackkkk!

I've been silent for a while but I'm drinking Malibu and Watermelon Redbull tonight and thinking about all the things that have been hitting my dashboard lately and making me go....URRRGHHHHH!!!

This time it's the battle of the STANS!!!! Yes you heard me, it's when one side of the ship screams louder than the other about a certain opinion. Well I wanted to tear those opinions up one by one and see what a Polin Stan thought about it.

Disclaimer: This is all in good fun, I'm not trying to start a real fight here! These are just personal opinions that I feel come from one side and should really be looked at from the middle more. Peace love and shipping!

Sooo without further ado...Round 1...Lets start with Penelope Stans.

Penelope Stans Round 1:

I need a hero VS I can take care of myself!

One of the biggest things I have read from stans when it comes to Pen is that Penelope can take care of herself and didn’t need anyone, especially Colin to dare try and take care of her.

During the fight on the street by the modiste, Penelope herself says “I can take care of myself” and she tells Colin multiple times that she doesn’t need him to save her. And thus, everyone bends themselves into a pretzel to back her up and say, “Colin, back the fuck off and stop getting in her way, she didn’t need you to do anything.”

But let us be honest, this is a 19-year-old girl who is making multiple mistakes on her own and could honestly use a little help but is also very stubborn to ask for it from anyone. No disrespect to Pen, she was a capable girl for her age, but she was also not perfect and did need some help. She also self-admitted that she needed to do better! Gee, if only she had the courage to ask, she might have gotten help with that.

Did she need a hero to swoop in and save her? No, she did not. Colin famously had a savior complex and wanted to come in and do it for her, and obviously his method failed spectacularly. Let’s be so for real, what Colin did to Pen with his “it is not up to you” line, was the same thing that was done to him back in S1 with the Marina situation when he so angrily exclaimed, “I’m so very glad this has all been settled on my behalf.” Yes, my dude, you should have remembered how that felt.

Colin no more needed to take over the situation than Pen needed to handle it on her own. Thus, the entire conversation is flawed.

Polin Fan Knockout Punch: Pen and Colin would have been better served rolling up their sleeves and putting their heads together for a solution. Pen is a strong woman but was still a woman in the Regency era. Having Colin assist her, not lead her, was what she asked for in the scene in the study.

The show itself came to this conclusion when she asked him to stand by her. They do not need to be divided or have one rule over the other. They simply need to support each other.

Insisting that Penelope had everything under control fails to look at how quickly things were spiraling out of control for her and how she simply needed others to help back her up. Wanting her to do it alone undermines the entire arc of Penelope. She had been alone in this her entire life and now, finally, she no longer needs to be, she has Colin beside her to help. That is a beautiful arc and wishing her to still stand alone while Colin props her up, is simply flawed.

[marierg]

Tender Mercy

Rated: M (18+ Youngins or easily triggered DO NOT READ)

Warnings: Violence, medical talk, strong language, mentions of blood and blood stains, mentions of depression and depressive episodes, Stress and stress responses, pent up feelings, crying, kissing and bed sharing. Yeah if you're looking for the smuts that's gonna be in the next part(s?).

A/N: I will state that the initial first part of this started out as a cathartic venting for myself after a really bad call (I drive the boo boo bus). I never meant to put it out there but it evolved over time to this little story about Kix. much Thanks to @the-rain-on-kamino as always for being my partner in crime!

Words: 5.5K... Yeah I can't do short.

Song credit: Rainbow connection by Jim Henson & Paul Williams

Don't read under the cut if ya cant handle....

Red...

So much Red....

It was so hard to get out.

You scrubbed and you scrubbed and you poured on more peroxide cleaner yet still it wouldn't go away. It seeped into the seams in the metal of the LAAT, oozing back out after you thought it had been wiped clean. It was unrelenting, never ending much like the stream of injured that you had sent back to the cruiser from the planet surface. Once the injured stopped coming and the battle won then you finally had a chance to go back yourself. Still you found yourself covered in the red that hadn't yet been cleaned from the days events. On your uniform, your bags, and every other surface that had been contaminated by these last few days. You too were contaminated, but unlike the emotionless gear around you there seemed no way to purge the stain on your heart. Gritting your teeth in anger at your failures, 17 lost because you weren't good enough... fast enough... strong enough. So here you knelt in the bloodied craft, trying to right what was in your control to correct.

17 good men gone...

Contrail clenched his jaw, “How long has she been at it?”

“Dunno, saw 'er in the medbay restocking earlier after landing.” Jepp shrugged, unsure how long their civilian medic had been scrubbing out the cabin of the craft. Both men slowly walked up, Jepp leaning on the B post of the gunship studied your expression. You were moving on instinct, not really paying attention to their presence. “Scrub that any harder the paint will peal off.”

You grunted but kept scrubbing.

“I heard the chow tonight is decent, how 'bout it?” He gestured with his head towards the direction of the mess.

Still you just wiped away the most recent clean spot and moved to the next red stain in the cabin.

The two pilots glanced at one another unsure what to do. If it was one of their brothers this wouldn't be a discussion, marching them to the med bay by force if necessary. Fortunately neither man needed to dwell on it much further, the familiar shape of their CMO came into the hangar.

“I've got her boys, you can head out.”

Kix held the restocked bags watching you work, waiting till the others were gone and the hangar empty again to move closer. He knew there was no talking to you right now, he was much the same way after missions. It was simply the last thing to do to finish out the day, you cleaned the gear and your craft to leave it ready at a moments notice. All medics did this, but it was more than for protocol. It was meditative, reflective, a means to try to make sense of the mission that had just been survived.

You glanced briefly at Kix as he gloved up. He grabbed a towel and a brush, taking the spot next to yours to try to finish the job. He didn't speak, there was no need to. The two of you often worked like this in the field, simply knowing what supply to throw to the other or even knowing when the other needed help within the vast sea of patients. Bandaging, medicating, triaging and sending to transport trooper after trooper. Finally the two of you stepped off of the craft, satisfied with the job and replacing the aid bags.

“It wasn't your fault.” Kix was the first to break the quiet, keeping a calm tone. You had that look that some of his older brothers had, one that even he had from time to time. You were standing at the bay slop sink scrubbing your hands raw even though the gloves had kept you clean. Moving to your side he tried to turn your shoulder only to have you jerk away. “Y/n, it wasn't your fault...”

“Then why did they die? We did everything right, So why?” It was a whisper but still it echoed off the walls.

“We can't always save them, try as we might we can't. And there are always more troopers that need our help.” Kix carefully moved towards you, not yet attempting contact again. “We saved more than we lost, that's a victory.”

Your jaw fixed, gritting out the words. “Some would argue that.”

“107 others would agree with me. General Skywalker and General Kenobi would tell you the same.” Kix watched the despair and frustration fill your eyes, needing to place the blame for those losses somewhere. This mission had been particularly brutal, the planet itself was trying to kill them as much as the Separatists. The two of you had been injured, still you had kept working not giving a kark for the shrapnel that had peppered you. Days without sleep or food and very little water, all this and you didn't even have to be there at all. You had volunteered to go, you had chosen to help and heal those who were never given that option. “Y/n, you gave more than anyone could have and that means more to us clones than you know.”

You didn't want to cry, especially not in front of Kix. He was always so brave and calm, unflappable some would say. He never cried and of all people he was the one entitled... they were his brothers after all. But they were also your friends, your shipmates. Men whom you lived, ate and fought alongside. You didn't flinch back this time when his gentle hand squeezed your shoulder, nor did you pull away when he brought you into a hug. You didn't want to cry, but since when in this war did anyone get what they wanted. “Why... w-why Kix?”

Kix held you, gently soothing a hand on your head. How many times had he wondered the same thing, how many times had he begged the Maker to let him save just one more of his Vode? He could feel your wracking sobs against his plate less chest and wished he could take away your pain along with his own. Your sweet soul didn't deserve any of this and yet he was so deeply grateful for your presence. Leaning down to the top of your head, Kix breathed in deep before laying his cheek to your crown. “I wish I knew Sarad.”

Kix stayed closer to you after that, not that he hadn't before. He would show up for shift with an extra breakfast roll or make a smart remark during briefing trying to get you to laugh. He made you come out of your dark feelings and fears, always there even if in companionable silence listening to you ramble. As time past you started to wonder what if it could be more, what if there was more to this feeling?

You were attracted to the man, oh Maker were you attracted to him, but what if he didn't feel the same? Or what if he did? You always shook those thoughts away quickly, it wouldn't be professional and worse you might loose what you did have. So instead you satisfied yourself with reciprocating his care and friendship. Indulging in a hug, sharing your care package treats, or just squeezing his hand when he looked unhappy. Hells one time you grabbed a bedpan and a crutch to sing and dance till he fell out of the chair laughing. It was the little things here and there, but hopefully it conveyed a portion of what you felt.

It was a few months after that mission when you all got sent through the grinder again. Kix had left to go ahead with a small team while you remained back with most of Torrent. Fives and Jesse were telling you another tall tale when the ground violently shook at the LZ. There was no thinking involved, you yelled for Jepp to get the bird in the air and soon located the missing men. It had been a hairy extraction, you lost two en route back to the base. The mission continued but something had changed, Kix was different.

He was quieter than normal, solemn. After landing back on the ship he just took the bags and left to restock, no acknowledgment of your presence or offer to help after handing off the wounded. Kix didn't show up for debriefing with the command staff and half the squad didn't know where he'd gone. When you checked the bay the bird was clean and the bags returned and still no Kix. As time ticked by the claws of dread slowly wound their way around your heart and throat till it hurt to breathe.

It finally dawned on you to scan the ship for his ID chip. You ran the corridors, bumping into more than a few troopers, entering the small supply closet off of the med bay. Kix was there just quietly staring into the dark shelves blankly. He still had his armor on, bloodstained and muddied. The normally rock steady medic, your best friend, was so deep in his pain that he didn't even notice when you started talking.

“Kix I been looking for you.”

Nothing, not a blink or even a flinch. Just blankly staring.

“How about letting a pretty girl get you a Kaf, what do you say?”

A grunt this time.

You were really starting to worry now, this was bad as you had ever seen one of the men. When they got this bad sometimes the troopers were sent back to Kamino, none of them ever came back the same... if they came back. The very though sent shudders down your spine, no you wouldn't let that happen to him.

“Kix, you're gonna come with me okay. We're going to go somewhere quiet so you can rest.” When his head slowly turned you saw the dried tear trails. Swallowing down your emotions and giving him a soft smile as you offered a hand, you begged he would accept. “please take my hand.”

Trembling fingers met yours, grasping tight. His only reply was a nod, but that was enough for now.

It was a slow, robotic walk back to your room. You decided that was a better option than to let any of the brass see him like this. You figured that if you watched Kix close you might be able to cover for him till this wore off. You helped to remove his armor and gave him a push to the fresher, hoping the hot water could offer him some relief. By the time you returned with fresh blacks, bless the supply boys, he sat on the edge of the bed looking lost but in fairer condition than before.

“I'm... Y/n... Sarad...” His jaw continued to move but no sound came out. Mechanically he dressed and then sat once more, still so very lost. Why was he still there? That droid should have killed him, why did he get to live when Ace and Taps were gone? They were good troopers...

“Shh shh, it's ok, you rest now.” Pulling back the covers you eased him onto the mattress, tucking him in. You propped up with the unfinished reports on the floor, holding his hand with a small squeeze before settling in, “Sleep Kix, you're safe here, I promise.”

“Thank you Y/n.”

That was how the next night went as well, you on the floor and Kix in the bed though he had tried to fight you on it. The third night he refused until you had agreed to also sit up in the bed. When he had finally drifted off it was with his head in your lap as you stroked gently through the short buzz trim on his head. You hummed an old song from your childhood in time to your caressing, hoping to soothe and fight away the nightmares. When he did stir with a whimper you'd start the song again.

Just a little longer you figured at least till he didn't cry in the night. Just a while more till he would be fine sleeping without you soothing him; your time was precious and finite and that was how it had to be. Through those nights you had answered every call and attended every briefing, making the excuse that Kix was tending to the men or seeing to requisitions. Every once in a while you thought there might have been a glint in Rex's eye. If the Captain suspected, he never said anything.

The unit made it back to Couriscant for some well earned shore leave and at last you were able to let your guard down. Kix had been able to sleep through the night a few rotations before and had insisted he would be fine returning to the barracks. You were relieved and saddened. Given the many missions and cramped quarters you decided to take an old friend up on a longstanding offer. They had a place that was set up as a short stay vacation apartment and had cleared the entire leave time for your use. Who knew, maybe a few days on terra firma would help your own aches and pains. As you got unpacked and tossed groceries in the fridge there was a com from the Captain, the text simply read, “79's come quick.”

Pulling up on your speeder bike there were your boys in blue bloodied and shouting as a bunch from the 808th Ordinance corp were pulling up stakes. Grimacing you jogged over, “What the heck guys?”

“Those Di'kuts started it, we simply cleaned the floor with them,” Hardcase giggled.

Rex and Jesse were restraining a few troopers, one with a set of all too familiar colored shoulder bells. Rex pulled Kix along, lecturing him in Mando'a until both of their eyes met your very tired ones. Crossing your arms and raising an eyebrow you sighed. “Well lets get you cleaned up.”

Once the last of the bandages were placed and the other company of troopers out of sight, Rex pulled you to the side. The Captain had always been good to you, hell he treated you like one of the boys, the grim look on his face though was purely marshal in appearance. Crossing his arms Rex leveled with you, “Sargent I need a straight answer from you, not that osik from the last few days.”

Flexing nervously under that stare you tried not to crack, “What answer is that Captain?”

“Kix hasn't been himself.”

“He's been tired is all...”

“No it's not.” The Captain leveled his best harsh look at you. “So I'm going to ask you again.”

Your body was twitching from the nerves of the last week, stars knew how scared you felt. “I can't...”

“Why not?”

Damn your body for betraying you. The stress of the previous days, all those fears crashing under Rex's scrutiny. You sniffled and tried to get a grip, croaking out the next answer to Rex. “Cause you'll send him back to Kamino.”

“What?”

“They'll mess up his brain and he won't be Kix anymore.” You started to really shake then, dam bursting tears rolling down your face.

“Hey hey hey, come here now.” Rex's facade instantly crumbled, gently wrapping an arm around your shoulders. He had to give you credit, keeping cool for this long poor little mite. “That is not going to happen. The last thing I want is for Kix to be in pain so we need to help him. I promise that he won't get sent back to Kamino, just tell me how I can help.”

“I don't know, he was doing ok for a bit.” You released a frustrated breath & wiped the tears away. Glancing at the medic who was sitting on a planter with Fives and Hardcase your heart clinched again. “What set him off anyway?”

“Wasn't there when it started, but Jesse said that the 808 were making some noise. Something about us having a lot of shinies and civies around every time we get back planet side.” Rex gritted his teeth, refraining from telling you the horrible things that were really said, especially the part they said about you.

Your face turned red at the implications, temper rising in indignation. Taking another look at your Captain you pressed further while resisting the urge to use some of your troopers favorite slang. “Those... Oh if I get my hands on...Grrrr.”

Rex couldn't help a small smirk given that you had all the furry of a loth cat and were just as adorable. “Easy there.”

Letting out a huff you tried to stay focused on the task at hand, “What do you think we should do?”

Rex crossed his arms, thinking, “Well for one I don't want him anywhere near those di'kuts, so going back to the barracks is out”

“Agreed,” Sighing heavily you tried to think of a solution, “But where can he go?”

Rex always considered himself a fair judge of character. He knew Kix harbored more than just affection for you. Hell anyone could see how Kix tended to gravitate to you like a planet obits a sun. Rex also surmised that you harbored deep feelings for his brother. Having seen you sing or dance, anything to get Kix to smile. “I may have an idea.”

“I'm in.”

Rex knew of course that you had smuggled his CMO back to your bunk on board the ship. He was also aware that your movements and duties to cover both jobs had precluded any possibility that either of you had done anything non regulation. Not that he would blame either for trying to find a little happiness, rare as it was. Maybe all that the two needed was a little nudge and perhaps that was what would bring his brother back. “I don't mean to impose Y/n, but aren't you staying off base this leave?”

“Yeah,” Seeing Rex raise his eyebrows and shrug you realized what he was trying not to say aloud. Under more normal circumstances Kix going back to your place would have been exciting, but right now all you felt was cement churning in your guts. Looking at those golden eyes your head nodded in agreement.

“Good, com if you need anything.” Rex hoped that he was right about this. As his general would so often say, sometimes you have to follow your instincts and pray the Force it's correct. Rex turned to you, one more time. “You know it's not everyone who gets a nickname Y/n... even rarer for one in Mando'a. But I suppose that you knew that.”

Kix was in his own world, he vaguely remembers the few stops that were made before walking into the apartment. He recalled you sitting him on the couch with a movie after making him shower and change into the comfortable clothing you had acquired for him. It was loose and soft against his skin, he wondered if all civilian clothing was like this. He felt relaxed and unrestricted, he felt free.

Kix had savored eating the dinner you had cooked and just sitting at the table, no reports or place to be. He wondered if all civilians did this, just sitting and enjoying their meals without a thought to the world outside. All evening you talked about your friends, life happening outside the GAR, things that had happened long ago when you were a youngling. You chatted all the time about things, sometimes you sang or hummed, but rarely was it quiet when you were around.

His Sarad, a thing of beauty in the midst of the ciaos. Kix remembers the day he gave you the nickname. While waiting for casualties he had suddenly felt a ring of flowers placed on his head. You had giggled and started talking about things he could not grasp: childhood games, playing, happiness. Then the wounded had come and you had remained calm. You talked to the men, sang them your silly songs to put them at ease, and through it all you smiled. You were smiling at him again, asking if he wanted to watch another holo, but that wasn't what drew his attention. It was the dark circles under your bright eyes, it was that your smile didn't extend the way it normally would.

“Kiiiiix? Hello... command to Kix... you there?” Oh kriff the man finally starting to talk with you again and now he was staring right at you but not responding. “So is that a no to the holo?”

Kix stood, walking over and pulling you up and out of the chair. He saw your eyes widen, the hitch in your breathing, flush creeping across your cheeks. Gently he wrapped his arms around you and felt as your soft form molded against him.

Holy Maker stars above... Well this was new, “Kix?”

“Ner Sarad, dral runi.” He raised a hand to cup your cheek, thumb stroking against the downy surface.

“You should probably teach me what those fancy words you're using mean,” it came out a nervous laugh, “they sound so pretty.”

Kix's mouth turned up a bit, you were so sweet. “Dral means bright and runi is hard to explain. It's what makes a person, that which goes on even after death.”

“A person's soul.” Your heart raced, eyes half lidded from the soft caress and his words. Taking a deep, fortifying breath you dared a glimpse of his warm eyes. Amber hues shot with flecks of darker brown studying you in kind. “Kix, why did you get so mad? I don't think I've ever seen you get in a fight.”

“They said something unkind about my brothers. And you.”

“Me?” Swallowing hard you ducked your head to quell the butterflies swarming. Heat was creeping into your body the longer Kix held you, but you needed to figure out what was going on with him, how to help him. “It doesn't matter, you could have ended up in the brig or worse. You know better than anyone what happens when...”

“I couldn't let them call you...”

“I don't care,” Damn your voice for trembling. “Words can't hurt me, whatever it was it doesn't matter.”

“Y/n...”

“No I don't care what they said! I KRIFFING CARE ABOUT YOU!” The panic that you thought had subsided roared back with a vengeance. You were scared as hell for him and now scared as hell how he would react to your confession. He didn't balk or walk away, instead Kix drew you closer as you crumpled into his shoulder. “I don't want anything to happen to you. You can't ... damn it Kix I'm not worth it! I want you to be safe, I don't want you to get arrested or court marshaled or worse. Please!”

“You're worth it to me.” He said it through gritted teeth, as though your words had cut him to the bone. “You are worth everything to me, Y/n.”

“Not if it means they...” The grip you had on him tightened, words coming out a whisper as if speaking them was something taboo. “Not if it means they take you away.”

“Shh I'm sorry Sarad. No more fights I promise.” He'd stop the planet turning if it meant your tears would dry. Kix began to sway with you in his arms, singing the same song that you had used to lull him to rest these past days. Not that he could sing, but Kix tried to keep the tune even. “Who said that every wish would be heard and answered when wished on the morning star?”

“Somebody thought of it (sniff) and someone believed it...”

“and look what it's done so far,” There was a soft smile tugging the corners of his lips as your head turned to look up at him. Your nose was pink and your eyes puffy, but you were the most beautiful being he had ever seen. “What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing and what do we think we might see?”

There he was, you saw the minute the light returned to his eyes. You couldn't help a small sigh as he pressed your foreheads together while you finished together. “Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers and me.”

“Sarad don't cry, not for me, please.”

“Can't help it I'm a crier, I cry at everything,” Sniffling again you took a steady deep breath. “But I'll try.”

His thumbs still absently stroked at the apple of your cheek, trying to stem the tide. Kix felt slender fingers gently lay on the side of his face and neck, his eyes closed in ecstasy. How he wished he had said something far sooner, when his mind wasn't tattered at the seams. Yet here you stood unafraid, holding him. “What is it?"

“Don't shut me out.” Stars what was this spell and how could you keep it from breaking? You had him back, please Maker don't let him slip away again. “Please Kix tell me what to do, I want to help.”

“You are ner Sarad, you always do.”

“Kix...” Closing your eyes you concentrated on the sound of his voice as he began to sing again. His baritone could put you at ease, it could make your heart race, but right now it was a grounding tether soothing your weary nerves. Snaking your arms around his neck you let him lead as your bodies gently rocked in slow circles.

“Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices? I've heard you calling my name...” Kix tilted his head to nuzzle his nose lightly on yours, drawing a true grin out for the first time in days. “Is this the sweet sound that calls the young troopers, your voice may be one and the same...”

Moving to close the hairs breath distance, you pressed the softest of kisses to his lips. Kix tilted your face to look up at him, using his thumb to brush at the plump flesh of your lower lip and you kissed the pad of the digit just as gently. Then your eyes went wide, a blush crossing your cheeks. “I'm sorry, I should have asked if it was ok to kiss you. Are you ok? Is this ok? Did I...”

“Sarad, you may kiss me as much as you wish.” He chuckled in his throat, pressing a finger to your lips effectively pausing your nervous babble. “Because I will give you as many as I can... and so much more.”

Dipping his head Kix laid claim to you, slow and thorough in his exploration. He wanted to memorize the pattern of your lips as they pressed to his, their texture and taste. Using his thumb to press your jaw open his tongue made a tentative sweep into the warmth of your mouth, tongues tangling the less timid you became and the more he beckoned. Kix's heart raced with every little moan and sigh you gave as he continued his ministrations. Maker he wanted more of you, to feel your soft skin under his hands, to see what you looked like out of that ridiculous regulation braid. He pulled at the tie in your hair to watch the soft filaments fall to frame your face. A flower in bloom.

Kix crouched down and picked you up,grinning at your squeek of surprise even as your legs wrapped around his hips. You didn't protest, nor cry, just held tighter as he carried you to the bedroom. Setting you down on the soft mattress he sat next to you feeling uncertain. He knew what he wanted, what he so ached to do to show just how much he felt. He stroked his fingers near where exhaustion sullied your bright face and knew that was meant for another night. Still he so yearned to show you how he felt, to reward your courage and care as well. “Y/n you're so good to me, ner kotep cyar'ika.”

“Oh Kix,” Maker you couldn't believe that you finally had the man in your bedroom, but you couldn't bring yourself to go further than kissing. He was vulnerable and you hated to think he may regret any decisions tonight because of that. Above all else you had to do right by him because at the end of the night he was still your friend. Cradling his face you kissed his forehead before whispering softly in his ear. “let's get some rest and in the morning we'll figure things out.”

“Sleep well Y/n, I'll be here when you wake up.” There was a small pang of disappointed, but he would let you sleep for a week or more if it gave you peace. Brushing the hair away from your face Kix started to move away until he felt you holding tighter to him. “Sarad?”

“Would you stay with me?” Nerves getting the better of you, biting the corner of your mouth. “I'll sleep better if you're here.”

His face softened even more, “Are you sure?”

“Only if you want to,” You laid back, ducking your head into the plush pillows to half hide, “You make me feel safe and...”

He was trying to understand you through the muffling of the pillow, a half grin on his face. “And?”

“I want you feel safe with me too.”

Kix couldn't resist or say no to you and frankly he had never slept so well as when he had lain in your quarters. Removing his top and climbing in to settle on his back, Kix snugged you into the crook of his arm. You cuddled in further placing your head on his chest so that his heartbeat was right under your cheek, steady and constant. He caressed your shoulder and back while playing with the fingers of the hand on his torso. It was such an intimate position.

“Kix what does Sarad mean?”

In for a credit, in for a kilo. He hummed, placing a kiss to your forehead, “Flower.”

“Why do you call me flower?”

“Do you know what the first thing I saw when I left Kamino was y/n?” The words rumbled from his chest, he felt as your head shook. “I was sent as a replacement to meet with the 501st, but they were on this little forest moon. When the gangplank lowered all I could see was this field of little flowers, I'd never seen one before.”

You smiled waiting patiently for him to continue.

“I thought that they must be the most beautiful things in the galaxy.” He tilted your chin to look at him, “Until you waltzed into the med bay and I knew I had been mistaken.”

Your cheeks warmed as a blush spread over your face.

“Sleep ner mesh'la sarad,” Kix tucked the comforter more snugly around your shoulders, “we can talk more in the morning.”

Tags: @rain-on-kamino

[rreskk]

The moment I saw you and some other amazing tumblr accounts writing about gothssssss OMGMMGMGMG. Okay okay okay, I'm sorry but this request is kind of weird. Fem reader who's a goth with Trevor. Blood kink? pls? and like the reader is lowkey dom but still sub?? The reader has like a vampire kink basically or whatv. IDK HOW TO DESCRIBE IT BUT I FEEL LIKE YOULL DO GREAT. THANK YOU SM

And all the goth lovers have RISEN FROM THE DEAD! Welcome to the land of living corpses my loves ;)

Summary: Trevor loves himself a girl with dark senses.

TW: -Smut

Pairings: Goth Fem!reader/ Trevor Philips

Word count: 1777 (I should of made if 1666 for the vibe lol)

It wasn’t really a thought during the time. While his finger would constantly cry to rip your fishnets, freeing whatever surprise you had under this extravagant exterior, he wouldn’t mind either outcomes. This was just some random guy you had been seduced by when clubbing. His dirty tongue and provocative lips; how could you refuse? He was a human meat chamber for your hunger. Nonetheless, he was absolutely handsome. There was this unnatural aura to this man who claimed to be some-sort of sinner. By the way he’d beg for your pussy, maybe he was a sinner. A strong sinner.

He was called Trevor.

Trevor Philips

A likely hot-heated freak you’ve wrapped around your finger after a night of exploring Satan’s backrooms. Remembering the way he moaned your name as your hands pulled onto his godforsaken hair – well… What was left of his hair. Even if he was such an awful person, that doesn’t stop you from seeing him every now and then. Besides, he loves himself a gothic woman such as you. He’s never explored a lady with such darkness to her, that he’s simply addicted.

-

Tonight was like no-other night. You’ve found yourself pressing your heavy boots upon his thigh, watching the way he crawled his hands up and down your fishnets and black skirt. His eyes were begging. He was like a puppy losing his mother.

“C’mon…” He whispered lowly, occasionally tugging on your tights, making one of the holes bigger by moment.

You trailed your sharp nails across his thinning hair and smiled. Trevor was relieved at your affection and fell into your palm until the nail pierced his scalp.

“Ah! – “ But his hiss was paused when you pressed kisses upon the now seeping blood. It oozed down to his scarred eyebrow, the sensation tickling his facial hairs. Trevor shivered. He wasn’t fazed at all, instead, he was extremely aroused. That bulge within his jeans had twitched; you saw it twitch crazily. It was like a rabid animal trying to free itself from his clothes.

You kissed away the trails of blood until smudges remained. His hands around your thighs squeezed tighter as he was getting very impatient. The poor man was on his knees, practically clinging to your legs. You’d find that he would try and take a sneak peak from under your skirt but of course, you kneed him away, earning a rather husky groan.

“[y/n]! You can’t be teasing me anymore,” Trevor grumbled at your sadistic behaviour, “Let me fuck you, yeah? A good fuck… Baby?”

“I’m enjoying myself. Are you not?” You uttered with his blood staining your lips.

“I am enjoying myself, sweets… But I’d be happier if you gave into me. C’mon, I know you just wanna have that thing ripped off you, yeah?”

You glanced down at your corset and airy shirt that he was referring to. While covered up, your bra was visible through the black, long-sleeved shirt. He had his sights fixated on it since the moment you had him kneeing. From his current height, the size of your breasts were huge. He’d have to lean back just to see your face, but that’s a problem he LOVEDhaving.

“I wanna see you.” He’d protest again, continuously.

“You want so much.”

“You offer so much.”

His snarky comment made you roll your eyes back. There wasn’t a fault in his words but the audacity was grudge-worthy. Still, he looked at you with innocence. That “please, honey?” expression never fails to make your legs a tiny bit weak. Who wouldn’t? Them brown eyes are not for the soft-minded. He uses them with the intent to shatter and dismantle the chosen prey; you.

“Fine…” You breathed, studying the way he slowly stood to his feet. Trevor painfully waited until he was hovering over you, due to his height. He smirked down and allowed his hands to reach the back of your corset.

You’d gasp. He ripped it open. Trevor’s scowl twitched as he used his arm strength to rip the ribbons, releasing the pressure it had on your outfit and stomach. It was thrown aside with a massive thump and he didn’t stop there, no way. He eagerly held the shirt over your head and removed that as well. You were shirtless before him.

“Mmm…” His teeth were gritting at the view of your bra and breasts. Your crucifix was buried between them. He pulled it out before sniffing the scent. He sniffed loudly, moaning at the smell.

“Trevor – “ Words were taken as he smashed his mouth against yours. The necklace dangled around your chest, his hands moving from your hips to your ass. He deepened the kiss until you were pressed against the nearby wall. That constant clutter and swaying of the picture frames, etc… It wasn’t a bother to him. As long as you were pressed against him, there wasn’t a worry in the world.

The make-out session had left you panting for air. Trevor threw off your bra and crucifix necklace, diving his face between your tits and licking the hell out of them. He’d murmur words of affirmation as you’d bite your tongue. His tongue was so nasty against your sensitive nipple, it was almost too good to be true.

“Oh, yes…” And the growing heat inside your lower tummy was growing feral. You needed him now. Your grinded your hips against his beasty boner that had managed to rest against the hem of his jeans.

Trevor cursed, “Fuck…” When you had grinded hard into him. The extra heat was menacing.

Your back was rubbing the wall since there was no obvious hints that a bed was going to be used. Instead, he lifted one of your legs up and torn the fishnets apart around your crotch area. He was panting at the desperation. Your skirt was lifted up and soon enough, your pussy was out in the open. And it was wetter than the ocean.

“Just how I fuckin’ like it, babe.” He smiled and shuffled his jeans down to his ankles. With your help, his erection came bursting from his pants. Your fingers gently massaged the tip as he foamed at the mouth with hot saliva. He stared into your eyes with pure desire that a few drools went unnoticed.

“C’mon, Trevor.”

“I’m coming… I’m comin’, babe.” His words dragged like he was barely sober. Suddenly the usage of alcohol and meth would kick in the second he was in contact with raging hormones.

Trevor lined up his penis, slapping your hand away with urgency. You smirked at his snappiness. He frowned when slapping your hand. That frown was oddly petty but disgustingly attractive. You couldn’t help yourself as you’d lean forward, sinking your teeth into his pulsing neck and making him thrumble relentlessly. Trevor tried to keep his composure, rubbing his penis against your sex but that stinging pain of your canines made him squawk.

“Shit! [y/n]!”

That didn’t stop you from sinking deeper. You waited and waited and waited until that iron taste of his blood (once again). He was left clinging to your chest and whimpering. Your teeth were too harsh on his fragile neck – that was now painted with crimson liquid. You refurnished yourself and stared forward.

“Sorry, baby… I couldn’t help myself.” You offered an apology like there wasn’t red colour around your lips and teeth.

Trevor looked bitter as fuck. He glared at your bravery. He wiped his neck and noticed the running blood dribbling down from the permanent bite mark.

“Fuck…” He murmured to himself, “That’s so fuckin’ hot…”

You were baffled when he licked your lips, tasting his own blood. He gave his tongue a click and grinned, he was satisfied.  

“Heh…” A nervous breath left your departed mouth before he kissed you again. During this kiss, he had thrusted his hips into yours, therefore, penetrating you – finally – with his own cock. The amount of times you moaned into his mouth as the pace was already unbearably fast. By all means, you were constantly slammed against the wall with his every thrust and recoil.

“TREVOR! – “

But he refused to stop kissing. It was an excruciating pleasure. Your make-up, that was already ruined from his kisses beforehand, had ended up caking him as well. Your red and black lipstick smudged all over his jaw and neck, your foundation leaving powdering splodges against his cheek and nose. When he did pull away, the make-up was mutual on both faces. It was almost like he was wearing more than you.

“That’s right… Oh, yeah! Fuck me!” Trevor proudly yelled when wrapping one of your legs around his waist to deepen the access to your pussy. You’d cry and squirm and moan and groan and fidget and sweat and pant and shriek.

“Harder!”

“Oh… That’s my fuckin’ girl!”

Until your hips were reddened, the thrusts were passionate still. There had to be rashes from his skin rubbing against yours constantly. You felt tingling and some burning, but it was blankly ignored since his dick was giving you the joy of a lifetime and more.

“Trevor! Trevor! Christ!” You hurried as the butterflies in your stomach grew intense. The beginning of your climax was happening and apparently he was experiencing the same. He was twitching non-stop, his eyes and his cock. You stroked a hand through his sweaty hair, tugging on a bundle before his body shook.

“I’m gonna… I’m gonna! – “ Trevor kissed the corner of your mouth as he continued fucking you.

Momentarily, it came. You came, he came, the feeling came. It rushed. He hunched forward and pinned you against the poor wall as his cock squirted all on your skirt and tummy. You too had cum rushing out of your pussy, drizzling down your thighs and legs. In some parts, it stuck your fishnets to your skin (well, what’s remaining of them anyway).

“Fuckin’…” He struggled to breathe.

You bite your lip and rubbed the soreness of his neck, feeling his tension from looking down at your body. A small grumble responded to your affections and he simply carried you to the sofa. Your boots were torn off, so was your cum-stained skirt. Being left naked, he just climbed on top of you and sighed. His face found home between your breasts and it was clear, non-verbally, that was needed a good old-fashioned cuddle. Naked edition.

“There we go.” You softly kissed his forehead and allowed your body to finally rest.

“My neck hurts…” That muffle responded from between your boobs.

“I know, baby, I know…”

“Bite me more sometimes.”

You couldn’t help but grin, “Alright… As you wish.”

[spunsugarmusings]

Mun's Playlists Starter Sentences: Yandere Edition

From the mixed-up playlists of the creator of spunsugarmusings, here's a lyric starter meme based on the theme of yanderes. Trigger warnings for stalking, violence, kidnapping, murder, and blood. Change pronouns as necessary! Some of these songs DO contain gendered pronouns, and some have been edited for clarity!

"Sweetheart, please don't yell at me."

"It really isn't hard to see the truth that's rotting underneath."

Do you really think I'm out of line tonight?!"

"If you play my game, she might just make it out alive!"

"I'm not asking much, just give me your heart and put no one else above me."

"Go on, say you love me!"

"Without you my life means nothing!"

"I'll always see behind your smoke and mirrors."

"I know you love me deep inside."

"You're simply caught up in her lie, so I will cut you free myself."

"If you still won't accept it, you're gonna regret it!"

"I will devour your soul and make you wholly mine, so that you will belong to me for the rest of time."

"I want you to know that I only do this out of love."

"You're creepy when you're kind."

"You'd kill for me?"

"I'm a doll in your hands."

"You chucked me out like I was trash, for that you should be dead!"

"They're keeping you away from me!"

"They made you blind, messed up your mind, but I can set you free!"

"I was meant to be yours."

"You were meant to be mine! I am all that you need!"

"Sure you're scared, I've been there!"

"Please don't leave me alone. You were all I could trust "

"I'm a collector of beautiful things."

"I capture and keep them and pin down their wings."

"She will be my most precious prize."

"I have collected a beautiful dream."

"Cutting you up will be so refreshing for me."

"Laughing gas can be so much fun!"

"I just feel the need to be getting a little of you and a lot of bloodletting."

"This is no orthodox beheading!"

"I'm all out of hurt, you used up all I've got!"

"Everything you do, I'm obsessed with you."

"I don't mean to scare you, but you're just so cute!"

"I wanna cut you up and put you in my oven just to bake."

"I'd love to wipe these other bitches out so it's just you and me."

"The thought of caring for anyone makes me want to scream."

"Should I be scared?"

"You were comforting and quiet, how did love become so violent?"

"Everything was so sweet, until you tried to kill me."

"You never seem to notice when I follow you home."

"Just know I'm not the sinister type."

"I murdered half the town and left you love notes on their headstones."

"You die like angels sing."

"I want you stuffed into my mouth."

"But love, I'd never hurt you."

"I was born only to share my love with you."

"You are mine and we will never be apart!"

"Do anything, I won't refuse! Just to prove I love you more, don't you see?"

"I will burn in the flame every trace of her name!"

"I'll make you see, force you to be in love with me externally."

"Can't you see, you belong to me?"

"Goodness you're bleeding, what a wonderful feeling!"

"Tasting your blood means I love you!"

"Do you wanna let me tie you to the back of my Ferrari?"

"Will you let me cut your head off if I tell you that I'm sorry?"

"You're mine and I'm yours! If I'm sick, you're the cure!"

"I can't be sorry when her ending was overdue."

"Don't wanna come on strong, but babe, my patience is nearly gone."

"The only one worthy to be with you's me."

"When I'm done there won't be anybody left to stand between you and me."

"You'll be my local hero, you'll be my role model, and don't fail me now."

"I'm your biggest fan, it's so good to finally meet you!"

"Don't you think I deserve better after all that we've been through?"

"I will love you liked you died a martyr for me."

"Don't look so shocked, it's not the way I planned it!"

"Don't you fight back!"

"This'll hurt less if you just submit!"

"They don't know you, not like I do."

"One day you will learn to love me."

"One day you will thank me, you'll see."

"If I can't have you, no one can."

"Only you and I were meant to be forever."

"I would be the one to hold you down, kiss you so hard, I'd take your breath away."

"You speak to me in riddles and you speak to me in rhymes."

"My body aches to breathe your breath."

"Your words keep me alive!"

"Nothing stands between us here, and I won't be denied!"

"I've been thinking about you all the time, hope that's alright."

"My god, what a sight, to see you dancing around the room like you're alone!"

"I can't let you know, 'cause I need you so!"

"If you look into my eyes, you'll see the recipe is true!"

"The key ingredient is you!"

"Just remember, darling, through the years; you belong to me."

"Play along, they'll move onto somebody new."

"Save your complaints 'til they're gone and won't hear."

"You deserve your own picture frame."

"It would be a shame if you were to break."

"Formaldehyde ensures that you will stay the same."

"You used to fly so high, or was that just the lie?"

"Let's keep you safely locked away."

"Even if you run, I will find you."

"I decided I wanted you; now I know I need you."

"I couldn't help myself, I just took you."

"Better make yourself at home, you're here to stay!"

"Never leave my side."

[little-tyrant-gortash]

Oathbreaker

Pairing: fem!Tav x Enver Gortash, fem!Tav/Astarion

Tags: Emotional Manipulation, Manipulation, Manipulative Relationship, Paladin Tav (Baldur's Gate), Vaginal Sex, Penis In Vagina Sex, Drunk Sex, Unrequited Love, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Scars, Blood and Injury, Injury, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy, Miscarriage, Torture, Psychological Torture, Implied/Referenced Torture

Word count: 2,247

Ao3 here.

Chapter 1.

Chapter 2.

Chapter 3.

Chapter 4.

Chapter 5.

Chapter 6. ⬇

Chapter 7.

Chapter 6.: The Gift

"So", Tav sighed as she wrapped herself up in a way too fluffy towel. Black, of course. "Why did you summon me for, exactly? If it wasn't this…" She motioned at the corner tub before she ran her fingers in her wet, now vanilla scented hair.

Gortash raised a brow as he looked at her, just when he was wrapping another towel around his waist. His hair was a little messy now, as she had been running her fingers in it so many times, and as the drops of water rolled down his chest, she couldn't help but follow them with her eyes.

"This was a lovely distraction", he confirmed with a low chuckle, shifting his left hand on her chin to tilt her head up a bit. "One I'd love to repeat in the near future. But no. I've called you here to give you a gift."

"A gift? Oh my. You should've started with that", she murmured, mesmerized by his dark gaze. His eyes were always too intense for her to focus properly on her thoughts, and after letting him bed her twice, her mind took a rather naughty turn. She blinked at him, slow. "Must you look at me like this?"

"Does it bother you?" Gortash's lips twitched as his eyes dropped to her mouth.

"Very. I can't focus."

"Oh, I'm truly sorry, my little Paladin."

There it was. She rolled her eyes.

"Liar", she huffed. "Stop it."

"Never", he smiled, pecking her lips softly. "Now, come."

"Like this?"

She followed him, barefoot, through the bathroom. Half naked, Gortash still looked massive. His coat usually gave the illusion of him being bigger than he actually was, but compared to her, his shoulders were broad, and his arms were thick and strong. Tav bit on her lower lip. She wished she had those arms wrapped around herself again.

"I've sent my guards and servants away for tonight. There's only you and me here, now. You needn't worry about being in a towel and nothing else, I've seen it all, you know."

Tav remained silent for a few seconds.

"Fascinating how you believe I wouldn't turn against you", she half smiled to herself as they walked back in his workshop.

"I don't believe. I know. And still… you wouldn't have a chance."

"Oh, really?" Tav teased. "Aren't you a little too sure of yourself, Your Grace?"

"I know myself and what I'm capable of." He stopped in front of a desk and placed his right hand on it as he glanced back at her. "Come over here, beside me."

His simple instructions made her want to rebel against him, but for now, she complied. She stopped beside him, in front of the desk, and glanced at the obvious something which laid there, covered by a thick, rough cover.

"While you were trying to find Orin, I was working on trying to find a suitable armour for you to fight her. No offense, but that medium armour you have simply won't be enough. I was hoping I did not run out of time, and given the fact she came over yesterday to taunt me again, I knew you haven't succeeded yet."

"The sewers are a damned labyrinth", she sighed, looking up at him with almost sad eyes. "I don't know how much time I'll need."

"I'm hoping you won't be stalled for too long", he looked down at the cover, and she knew a billion thoughts crossed his mind. "Ketheric's death set off a wave of events we can't control nor contain. We need to act fast if we want to live." Gortash glanced back in her eyes. "I can't stress it enough. We really need the stones, Tav."

"I know", she shook her head, tired of hearing this. "I'm working on it, I swear."

"Good. I believe you." And he really did. "And with that out of the way… let me show you what I've been working on for you."

He grabbed the cloth and removed it, letting it fall to the ground. Tav stared at the armour that laid on the table. This was Ketheric's armour, although, it had a dark purple gem where Ketheric kept the netherstone. The very sight of it made her pale; all the memories from that night – the mind flayer colony, Chop, all the bodies and brains and… gods, the horrors she'd seen there. The horrors she'd felt on her very skin.

And now it reoccurred to her once again just how dangerous Gortash was. That Balthazar was complaining that Gortash left his skull shavings all over his table. That Gortash went to Moonrise Towers to talk with the minds. That he dabbled in gods knew what to gain as much power as he had now.

Her throat tightened as she stared at the armour. The toys at the mind flayer colony. Children's toys. Her eyes filled up with tears.

What was she doing here? Gortash should be her enemy, not someone who had such an effect on her. Not someone who could wrap her around his pinky if he wished, who just needed a gaze to make her knees buckle.

"The Reaper's Embrace", he introduced the armour, "a magnificent piece. An exoskeleton made of steel to protect every vital point of it's wearer. Additionally, it has properties one should take advantage of, if you ask me. I've improved the fit to your body shape… amoung other things."

He wants me to wear this.

The armour of his dead ally.

The terror she felt when Ketheric fell and rose as the Apostle of Myrkul assaulted her senses. What she learned about Gortash was nothing compared to that.

That night only came back around in her worst nightmares, and it always ended the same way. Everyone she ever loved and cared about, fell to Myrkul before he crushed her skull. The way her head cracked woke her up from that nightmare – a nightmare that felt too real to ignore. The pain, always throbbing behind her eyes. A warning.

"I can't", she whispered, holding the towel close to her heart.

She was trembling. Up until now, Gortash was admiring the handiwork on the armour, but at the sound of her voice – quiet and weak and fearful –, he turned to look at her with a soft frown.

She was... afraid? Of what?

"Tav, this is just an armour."

"It was Ketheric's", she mumbled. Gortash saw she went even paler than ever. "He... when I... I was trying to..."

Enver's brows twitched. He turned to her and gently placed his hands on her shoulders. She didn't look up at him.

"What happened?"

His gentle voice broke the dam down. Tav's mind collapsed. It was impossible to stop it now – after holding it back for so, so very long, after she always just kept going, without a break, without a hope... it was too much.

She just wanted the gods damned tadpole out of her skull, and she got so much more than what she was prepared for.

She would've crumbled in front of Gortash if he hadn't kept her on her feet in front of him. Seeing that, he wrapped her in an embrace and she hid her face in his bare chest where she sobbed and wailed and screamed.

And he said nothing. He knew she had to deal with a lot, and he knew she'd return from Orin in a similar way if... if she survived.

He held her a bit tighter at the thought.

No, this won't do. She had to get used to the horrors, because this would just get worse for her in the not too far future. She had to know about everything he had been doing to acquire power unmatched, he must make her see that this was for the betterment of the future. Their shared future.

He had no such problems with the Dark Urge; murder and gore was first nature to them. But Tav wasn't specifically built for this. Tav was, in his eyes, innocent. Even if she fought innumerable foes until she got to him. He had to help her somehow, for his own well-being, because while Orin lived, he wasn't safe.

He had to desensitize her.

"Are you feeling better?" He murmured as he stroked the top of her head once her crying got under relative control.

She nodded against his chest; finding comfort in his warmth, in the sound of his heartbeat. Whenever she had a breakdown when she was near Astarion - the only soothing thing about him was his voice. There was no life in his body. No warmth, no heartbeat. It seemed it was easier for her to remember the present moment if she felt and heard those two things. If she knew that there was life was worth fighting for; even with her demons.

It was awful to think that between Astarion and Enver, she had no one. Nothing but the darkness that swallowed her whole, the fears of the future, the regrets of the past, the pains of the present. Enver's warmth washed it all away. His warm skin against her skin helped her remember that she wasn't alone. That she wasn't abandoned.

At least, not yet. The crippling fear that he'd discard her as soon as she stopped being useful to him gripped her guts.

"Good." Gortash didn't pull away. He did not move, but he was about to nudge her in his desired direction with his words anyway. "I want you to visit me, every day, for a few hours", he decided. "You can't do a good job if you're distracted. As much as I hate to waste time right now… you need exposure."

"Exposure? To what?"

"Your fears and traumas."

He was willing to help her? Her breathing normalised and she sighed a little before she pulled away from him. His arms fell away from her form as soon as he felt her shift away from his embrace. He found it childish that he already missed her.

"I'm fine", she defiantly pressed her lips together, clearly a sign of annoyance.

Gortash motioned at the armour on the table.

"You just had a breakdown, Tav."

"I said I'm fine!"

The second she raised her voice, Gortash's eyes narrowed and darkened. His gaze turned intense again as he focused his attention on her, and she had to look away.

"I'm… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell." When Gortash said nothing, she bit her lower lip and started to spiral into worrying again. "I just… I saw things. So many things. You've… you're…"

"I'm what?" He hissed coolly, and she felt physical pain in her chest at his tone.

"You've done unspeakable horrors to innocent people and I-"

And I still can't keep myself away from you.

"And you?" Gortash snapped again, making her face scrunch up in indescribable pain. He was trying to deduce what she was thinking about, and came to a logical solution. "Are you afraid of me?"

Well, that was not too far away from the truth, but that wasn't what she was thinking about. Admitting it to him though that she was so desperate to be in his presence… that was worse than if he thought her a coward. She nodded. Several times.

"In all honesty…" He wondered, and she finally glanced back at his face. He looked like he was in thought, the darkness from his eyes were gone again. "That's good. I'd be surprised if you weren't. But, at the same time…" He reached out for her chin to turn her head as he liked, "you needn't be. You're not a victim. Not a target."

Tav's heart sunk as someone else's voice rang in her head.

You're not a victim. Not a target. Not just one night it's better to forget.

"You are my ally. My equal. We will rule together. I swore to you that I will do you no harm. You can't let your fears get the better of you, or we will both perish."

Her shoulders dropped in utter defeat.

"I can't wear Ketheric's armour", she whispered.

"You will", Gortash leaned closer to her and pressed a kiss on her forehead. "You must."

"What will my friends say if they see me in it?"

"It doesn't matter what they will say, what matters is what you will tell them. And you'll tell them the truth. This", he let her chin go and gently knocked the side of the metal ribs of the armour, "will protect you. Trust me."

"I rather trust those I travel with that they'll watch my back if needed. I got far with them until now. And while I appreciate the gift… I'd like to ask a favour of you."

Gortash tilted his head as his curiosity got the better of him.

"Favours do not come cheap", he mused.

"I have gold."

"I might not require payment in gold. After all, I have a lot of that, you know."

Tav noticed a mischievous glint in his eyes, and she was almost certain what sort of payment he was thinking of. The sort of payment she was sickeningly eager to provide for him.

"I'll… compensate you, if you do this for me."

"Hmm, a tempting offer", Enver smirked. "And what your request might be?"

Tav bit her lower lip as she thought her request through – and what effect it would have on him.

"Please, fix Karlach's infernal engine."

[loversj0y]

im crying over techno again (this is long and sad im sorry)

i miss him so much man. i hope he knows how much he did for all of us. ive been rewatching old wilbur videos and seeing him in them brings me so much bittersweet joy. he meant so much to all of us. i hope he knows the ways he changed us.

he was my final push to start streaming. i was inconsolable the night he died. the week after i kept thinking about how long i’d pushed off the idea because i simply didn’t think i had the time. something about losing someone that you even just perceive as being close to you gives such a shift in perspective that i figured at that point it’d be stupid not to. and the thing is, he was so incredibly supportive. of every last one of us. he always supported the people in his community.

its a big thing in my life honestly to live in his memory. usually people say stuff like that in a negative connotation but i dont think its negative. i hold his memory close to me as a reminder of the things that ive lost. and its a comfort in a sense to let his deadpan mockery push me to be better and to do things i might fear doing.

he has a space on my ofrienda. i pray to him in the same way i pray to all the family i have lost because even without knowing him personally, he welcomed us all enough to allow me to feel like there was a family with him when my own felt incendiary and volatile.

i think about the fact that lovejoy is playing a festival with the killers. its a festival im incredibly excited to go to, but on nights like this when im crying over a lost brother i never had, i feel saddened in knowing how much he would have loved to have seen it. i think he will be there, watching. but the feeling wont be the same. i think of how wilbur must feel. knowing that he’s playing a festival with the same band that he’s not only loved, but that he shared his love for with techno, to the point that it made such a strong lasting impression on techno. i hope he knows how proud techno is of him. i hope that if he stays to watch the killers perform, he feels techno with him. because i know he’ll be there.

i have a lot of thoughts on how much he meant to me, to all of us, and im kind of just pouring them out in a stream not unlike the tears that wont seem to stop tonight. if i can be honest, ive been avoiding a lot of stuff related to techno. i took a step back from everything as a whole because it hurt too much and i didnt know what to make of it, not really. i keep finding myself mourning how little time i got to have as an active techno watcher, given how recently i joined the fandom and such, but i also know i should rather feel thankful for every second that i got to have. i find myself avoiding a lot of mentions of technodad still. he’s lovely and he means so much to all of us, just like his son, but i cant help but feel my chest reopen each time i hear him speak about his son. ive seen the feeling of watching a person you love mourn a family member who was taken too young personally. ive seen it in my own family with my cousin, and it all feels so heavy. i know there is this narrative of being thankful for the time we had with a person. but i still consistently find myself balanced on the precipice of anger and acceptance. i dont struggle with bargaining or depression, let alone denial. i know hes gone. i know nothing will change that. but i also will never be content in feeling appreciative of the time we had because we could have had more time. even if it was just a. second more. it wouldnt change things but maybe it would ease the ache in my heart as i think on all of the people who loved him who will live past him, myself included.

i keep coming back to the song life worth missing by car seat headrest. i cant quite explain where i find the parallels but i feel it in this delicate balance that i find in the song. theres this delicate balance between grieving and losing yourself in grief and im not that sure that ive found it. for a control freak, one of the things that always has hurt me is my lack of control in death. i cant change it. and all i can control is the way to cope but i simply dont know how to do that. and the temperamental part in my head is the battle i find myself fighting because i know how he wouldnt want this. he wouldnt want the heavy grief but i dont know how to not feel it. i find myself feeling the heavy grief or essentially nothing at all.

and theres quiet, kind moments throughout it all. when i think maybe i can hold his memory and move with it. but those moments dont last long. but they mean more than any other part of this whole process. when i hear him in my head, making fun of me for not putting myself out there. when i feel him supporting me as i feel unstable and shaky. regardless of your thoughts on religion or my own, i know that he is there. whether it is real or it is in my head, both are substantial enough to give me faith. and isnt that religion in and of itself?

i know that all the things we wanted him to know, about how he changed us, how much he meant to us, all of it. i know that he knows them. but i still am allowed to mourn that we never got to feel him know them. am i allowed?

i think im allowed. i think he’d allow it. i think he’d understand.

because when i feel whatever sense might lie in my convoluted ideas of religion and my strong sense of morality, i know one thing above all.

that he understands.

[camrynsthoughts]

should I send this to u? I don’t think so.

using writing as an escape and to let out my thoughts has always been one of my simple pleasures in life so here I am logging back into my depressing Tumblr  account. I am sitting here on a Monday night at 11 pm, with a sore throat, listening to my “it’s the past for a reason” Spotify playlist. and of course, my brain can’t simply shut up and be quiet, it has to constantly be running and thinking. and guess who it decided to think about tonight? you.

it’s been almost two months since I heard from you last and I finally told you how I felt. and let me tell you, that shit was humbling. why did I think it was going to go any different than it did? I don’t know but it’s no surprise that I'm a tad bit delusional. so that was that and I guess I'll never hear from you again. I've done my best to ignore the fact that conversation had happened and that it was, like, really the end. but when will I learn that ignoring my emotions and pretending I'm in la la land isn’t a cure to my problems. then came last night, driving home from Bloomington and listening to music when my brain finally decided it couldn’t ignore the fact that you exist but not in my life. 

it’s such a fucking roller coaster of emotions because I know I did the right thing by saying how I truly felt about you still. and I know you did the right thing by saying you’ll stop randomly messaging me. but it’s so hard to realize that was actually the end.. or was it because I mean, we’ve said that a million times before. not the point though (this is the delusion talking). driving home from Bloomington last night, all I wanted to do was text you and ask if we could talk in your car. I just had this feeling in my gut that I needed to talk to you and nobody else. this conversation was only meant for you. you’d always tell me I could rant to you and get everything off my chest and I never had anything to get off my chest. but last night I finally did and you weren’t there. and that’s when it really fucking hit me hard that I have to get the fuck over it.

I've been so angry lately. I feel like you from before when we weren’t as mature. you were always angry and I never understood how someone could have so much anger in them, but holy fuck, I honestly get it. I'm such an angry human being and it’s so ugly. but I'm sick of being nice and happy and optimistic, holy fuck I just want to be a ball of anger. when I think of you, I get this mix of love and nostalgia but then it turns into this ugly anger. I know you’re living life and happier than before and that makes me happy for you but holy fuck I'm sick of being brainwashed for years into thinking I didn’t deserve happiness and love because I fucking do. and it enrages me knowing that everyone I know has it and I still don’t til this day. it’s not your fault but god damn I just feel so drained. and at this point I don’t have the capability to be sad. I don't remember the last time I felt sad. its just anger now. and I feel like such a bitter, jealous bitch but I don't care. I think I am allowed to be angry that everyone in my life that has thrown me off to the side is the happiest they’ve ever been while I still suffer silently with absolutely no one. 

I had such a strong urge Sunday night to talk to you, see you, anything. I knew that wasn’t tangible but I was just playing out in my head me somehow getting ahold of you. and then you’d say you’re in town and that I could drive over. I'd jump in your car and just go off. not even on you, but just in general. I want to scream and I want to release all my anger because holy shit I just want to cry. I can't get myself to cry. I have so many emotions I need to release and no one would get it but you. I'm just so fucking confused because I'm not mad at you whatsoever, but why did I get the shit end of the stick? I know I'm a good person and I deserve so fucking much in life and I don't get good things that come my way. I get stepped all over and treated like garbage and I'm so fucking sick of it. why do you get to be happy now and I don't get to be as well? its selfish but I just wish I understood the way that the universe works. 

im kind of going off on this tangent of being angry but since I can’t talk to you I guess I can just write this mess. its funny how I want to be a writer and this is the shit I write in my free time. very embarrassing because writing a diary entry isn't art Camryn. whatever that's not the point. you know, I've always wanted to send you my writing. but that would be kind of creepy because majority of it is about loving you. and also you’d then see how shit of a writer I am. but it’s also the purest part of me and I wish you could've gotten to see that. god I'm getting so off topic. but it’s my writing so I can do and say whatever really.

you know sometimes I think I’ll never get over this hurt that I was never enough for you. and I know it seems silly to say that but it’s how I feel and I'm allowed to feel how I feel. you always put me off to the side and you cheated on girls with me and I was always like this side piece and I knew it but I let myself believe I wasn't. you'd tell me I was the girl you wanted to end up being with and that now just “wasn’t the time”. so you’d talk and date other girls but then still talk to me on the side and feed me all this delusion that it’d be my time one day and that one day never came and it fucks with my head still to this day. I gave you three plus years of my life and I don't regret it at all but holy shit I wish I knew how it felt to be someone’s first choice. because lets be for real, I was never your first choice or you would've been with me and not hurting me. I remember I was so delusional thinking I actually had a chance at being your real girlfriend one day. it’s so hard when someone has hurt you so much yet has also given you the most love you’ve ever been given in your life. that’s why this shit tears me apart so much because I shouldn't love you still but god damn I still do because I don't think you're a bad person at all. I just wish I was given that chance but I never really got that, and if I did, I blew it by being psycho because I didn’t want to let you go again. I believe I ruined it for myself but I also believe I never really had a fair chance honestly because I don’t know if I'd ever be enough for you. or maybe I was too much for you. I could never tell which one was true.

I'll be honest, it pisses me off that you’re with the girl that caused me to officially leave you back in 2020. it pisses me off thinking about the possibility if I didn't give up on you that she could’ve been me. but also I don’t know what makes me think that could’ve even happened because you would’ve still chosen her over me and I know you would’ve. and that's why I left. and it seems like I was right because it seems like you guys are still going strong. but then that pisses me off even more because you aren’t even 100% loyal to her since me and you had our moments over the last year. and then it makes me realize that you haven’t changed. and I don’t know why you cheat on your girlfriends with me and I don't know why I believe if I ever did get that fair chance of dating you that you wouldn’t cheat on me. it pisses me off because I'm still In love with a cheater and I’m the one who can’t seem to be happy or find love. is this all making it make sense why I am such an angry person lately?

I know that kind of just dragged you and honestly, id say I apologize but if anything you kind of deserve it. but I'll make it even by filling you in on a secret. I never ever cheated on you, and I know I never would if I ever got the chance of being your only girl. but I cheated on my most recent ex. and no one knows because it’s fucked up and I'm embarrassed about it. so I can sit here and make it seem like you’re an asshole, and I mean you have had your asshole moments. but so have i. so I can’t hate you as much as sometimes I wish I could. sometimes I think this is also why I have so much anger in me. because I know I can be a hypocrite because god damn it camryn, why are you shitting on your first love for being a cheater when you went ahead and became a cheater as well? it was only a kiss. but then I also tried reaching out to you a few times when I was in my last relationship so that shows I didn’t love the dude like that. I still wanted you and it hurt. I'm honestly just so sick of feeling hurt and not enough. 

my recent ex was a fucking loser, bitch made, liar. but it gives me peace knowing I'll go so much further than he will in life. I was the brains in our relationship and I wore the pants and it was cool but I couldn’t date a guy like that. I like being recognized as being smart and a bad ass bitch but I need my man to be equal to that as well, not a sore loser. and that’s why I fucking love you so much because you’re the complete opposite of him when it came to everything I hated about him. he was so... dumb sometimes. but you, you are intelligent and I could sit down and talk to you for forever. I could never with him.  and don’t get me started on his music taste and fashion .... you’d roast me. 

where have I gotten with this writing? honestly no where but I can’t talk to anyone about this shit so this is all I got. i wish I could be sitting in front of you right now and just get every single little thing off of my chest without any judgement. I'm a mess and its not fun and I'm angry and sick of feeling like total shit. I'm sick of not feeling like I can be loved fully and loyally. but why would I even deserve that when I've cheated and I've helped people cheat? am I a good person? or am I just as shitty as everyone that I shit on? it makes you think. whether I'm a shitty person or not, I'm sick of feeling like shit. and I'm sick of seeing people who are as shitty as me be happy. like Im happy you're happy... but I wish I could be too at the end of the day. I wish I could be happy with you or without you but unfortunately, it’s been years and I'm still struggling.