#I'm not feeling that great the last few weeks
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Review of Episode 8x7 "Hotshots"
Before I delve into this I want to make two things crystal clear. First, I understand 9-1-1 is NOT the Buddie show but the reason I started watching it was because of the shooting and Buck's and Eddie's dynamic. Therefore, since I primarily watch for Buck, Eddie and Chris, I want to see movement in their storylines. Second, I enjoy 9-1-1 as a whole, it's the only show I watch on a regular basis and I like all the main characters. I've watched every episode since season 2 and I even watched a few from season 1 but since it's not my favorite, I don't revisit them unless I need to make GIFs.
I'm indicating this upfront so there aren't any misunderstandings because it's one of the first things people say when someone criticizes an episode. Everyone interprets media differently and people watch for different reasons but their reasons for watching doesn't negate their opinions about an episode or a season. Therefore, it would be great if people stop using the "It's not the Buddie show" excuse when they want to dismiss other people's criticisms because two opposing opinions can coexist. The truth is for some, 9-1-1 hasn't been great for a long time. Therefore, just because one person likes it and they believe it's great that doesn't mean everyone else has to agree and vice versa.
Now let's get back to the regularly scheduled program...
IMO, last night's episode WAS NOT GOOD. The editing was poor, the pacing was off, there were entirely too many guest stars and they completely overshadowed the main characters. It gave seasons 5 and 6 vibes and I didn't like it one bit. The episode didn't even qualify as "filler" for me and it shouldn't have been included in 8A since the mid-season finale is next week.
Since my review of 8x7 "Hotshots" will primarily be NEGATIVE, I'm putting it underneath the cut but it will be a fair and balanced review and I will include information about all the main characters.
Let's get started.
Bathena
I'll start this section with Bobby and Athena because I believe their retirement arcs are being reestablished from the beginning of season 7 but it was horrifically horrible the way it was handled.
Athena's been a sergeant for years and the last time her and Bobby talked about retirement, I mean really had a conversation about it was in season 4 and she said she wasn't ready. But she's four years older now and while that may not seem like a lot of years to some, when someone has a demanding job like hers, there are bound to be some challenges. Her leg being injured while she was trying to catch Flash Rob could have happened to anyone and it doesn't matter their age, however my issues with her storyline ARE MANY and each one is valid.
First, it would have made sense to see her talking to Bobby on-screen about how she was feeling. As someone who's counseled people preparing for retirement, her storyline should have been handled with more dignity and respect. IIRC, Athena's close to 60 years old and the retirement age for people in the LAFD is 55 (so they can start collecting their pension), therefore it would have been better if she sat down with Bobby and shared her concerns about what she wants to do. However, instead of getting that, the audience saw her talking to Hen about it which is cool because FINALLY, after 84 years of them not having any best friends time, they talked but at the same time, it would have been helpful for women struggling with a decision like hers in real life so they could see how to approach it with their spouses or significant others. Second, Sparks was a hothead, she knew it but her captain was too concerned about the amount of money the city spends to train them. She should have listened to Athena and if she would have then that innocent woman wouldn't have been shot in front of her daughter.
PSA: I live in the U.S. and tempers have been palpable here for the last 9 years and with everything that's getting ready to happen in 10 weeks, this IS NOT THE TIME to air an officer involved shooting on TV. It was in bad taste especially with everything that's going on and that has happened in the past. I'm a woman of color and flashbacks of four years ago came to mind and I really didn't need to see that on my screen. I live blogged and my post after it happened proved that I was in shock.
Bobby's nightmare with the "Hotshots" TV show continued and what a cluster f~ck that was. First, the new chief is a jerk (I said it last season when he took credit for the cruise ship rescue) and he's a spinless jellyfish. It IS NOT Bobby's job to do the chief's job but he laid it in his lap and told him to handle it. WTF? He did it because he knew Bobby wouldn't say anything but the chief should have met with Gerrard and explained what was happening. Instead, he sent Bobby to clean up the mess. While I'm on the subject, who replaced Gerrard with a pod person? He was so unrecognizable it was ridiculous. Second, why was Brad allowed to job shadow with Bobby after all the mess he's caused? Buck, Chimney and Hen (I'm not including Eddie because in 6x1 he said he didn't want Bobby to ask him about being captain) are all right there and Bobby's NEVER offered to let any of them job shadow with him but there's a rude actor who throws his weight around on set and he just gets to do whatever TF he wants? Ridiculous! Third, it appears their setting up Bobby's retirement arc too but why don't they do better by him and Athena? Let them sit down and discuss their career goals. They're building a house so why not let the audience hear them say what they plan to do once it's finished?
OAN: Where is Harry? He was recast last season but he hasn't been back since.
Henren
Hen was barely in last night's episode and even though she had two episodes this season, why has her arc come to a standstill? In 8x5, her and Karen were arguing about Hen working so much especially on the holidays but it was wrapped up with a line from Karen, "I'm glad you were working." 🙄 Since they have two kids at home, it would be nice to see Hen talk to Bobby about working a flexible schedule or adjusting the schedule so they can work rotating holidays. Reminder, Madney's getting ready to have a baby (I'll talk about this next) which means Chimney might go out on paternity leave so there are some things that should be discussed to prepare the 118 for whatever is going to happen. Also, what happened to Hen and Chimney's friendship? They haven't been shown as besties since before season 7. I know Madney stepped in to help them with Mara but it seems like the showrunner replaced Hen and Chimney's dynamic by pushing Henren and Madney storylines together. All four of them were always friends but Chimney and Hen have a ride or die friendship and I'd like to see more of that again. I'm not counting the argument they had in 7x2 about having each other's back because that was a big nothing burger.
Madney
Maddie and Chimney have been relegated to the back since their wedding in 7x6 and used to help Henren keep Mara but once they finally got a storyline of their own (Maddie's pregnancy) it was once again put on the back burner so Maddie could worry about her brother. She's his big sister but she was holding back their good news because she didn't want to make him feel bad. There was a better way to handle this and it sadden me especially after all that Madney went through with their first pregnancy. Granted Buck figured it out and he was happy for them but they deserve to celebrate this pregnancy. It's good news and they shouldn't have to hide it from anyone. While I'm on the subject, I'm happy for them but at the same time, last night gave season 4 vibes and it seems like Maddie's pregnancy will be used to bring the horrible and emotionless Buckley parents back. TM is doing a repeat of season 4 so IMO, Phillip and Margaret will be there in 8B before Maddie gives birth and it seems like it'll be another "Love me anyway" moment for Buck and another rude comment from Margaret about Maddie's age but we'll see.
Chimney hasn't had a storyline all his own since the engagement ring debacle in season 6 (I'm not counting 7x6 because Doug was in it and that was a CHOICE). I'm really hoping they won't sideline him and just make him be the dad again like they did in season 5. KC deserves his own storylines just like the other mains and it would be great if he could get them. Also, I miss his friendship with Hen.
Buddie
Buck is still trying to get over a breakup and I get it, I really do but he didn't know that dude from a can of paint and he spent the entire 6 months doing the same thing he always does and that's identify himself via the person he's with. He did it with all his previous love interests, therefore, it would be nice to see Buck take some time and do some retrospection on why his relationships always fall apart. I'd like to see him ask himself why no one wants to stay. What is it about him that makes them want to leave? Until he answers those questions, he'll remain on the hamster wheel. I know I'm in the minority but I don't want to see Buck going on any dates or hooking up with random people because he has attachment issues. He doesn't know how to separate them like some people do and his first scene in season 1x1 proved it. He had sex with a woman he met on an app but when he tried to get to know her, she told him he was good at whatever they just did but she didn't want to ruin it by getting to know him. That's been his entire existence on this show and I'm ready to see Buck grow. Sure, he stressed baked and that's cool or what not but I would have liked it better if he actually looked at his past to see what he's been doing. It's not healthy for him to identify himself through the eyes of someone else. Furthermore, when is ANYONE FROM THE 118 going to tell him the truth? Family should be able to share the good and the bad so why hasn't someone suggested he do that? I know Maddie deals with him like she's wearing kid gloves and I'm not saying they need to tell him everything but someone should suggest he take a step back from dating at least until he figures out what he wants. Does he want to get married? Does he want a family? No one knows including Buck because he's never said it. He did tell Eddie he loves kids but IIRC, he's never admitted if he wants to have one of his own. Additionally, Buck should have these conversations before he gets in too deep with someone or else things will end up like before. He was on a different page than all his previous love interests and it was clear they wanted different things but they NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT AND THAT'S F~CKING FRUSTRATING.
Be clear, Eddie is my favorite character and I'm frustrated with the way his storyline has been handled this season. For six years, his arcs have been sidelined and made about Buck but the one season when he finally gets an arc of his own, it's pushed aside and not focused on. I didn't expect last night's episode to be Buddie centric but what I did expect was to see more movement in Eddie's storyline. We haven't seen him attempt to talk to Chris but once and that was in 8x1. Why hasn't he taken a quick trip to El Paso? Newsflash, GM doesn't have to be in the scene the same way he wasn't in 5x17 when Eddie and Pepa went to Texas for Ramon's retirement party. I want to see some movement on this front because Eddie's a great dad and it doesn't make narrative sense for him to be helping Mike reconnect with Weston when Eddie hasn't been shown trying to visit his own son. He said he didn't want his parents raising him so what is happening here? Are they just going to let Helena and Ramon raise Chris for the next year? This is unacceptable on all fronts. Also, what does Eddie do besides go to work? Other than showing him dance to "Old time rock and roll" in 8x6 and him packing away his Halloween decorations in 8x5, NO ONE knows what he does when he goes home. They don't have to show it but it would be nice to hear him say he went to a class or he took a weekend trip. It's not fair for Eddie (Chimney too) to be sidelined in favor of others. While it's true a lot of his screen time was wrapped up in Buck's relationship, Eddie deserves to have his own storyline and I for one was excited to see him happy. It appears that's over until 8B and who knows what kind of BS they'll throw in there within four months.
Finally, I want to talk about my overall impression of last night's episode. Why were there so many guest stars when people we know and love haven't been seen? Where's Ravi, Linda, Sue (she was in Aisha's birthday video) Detective Ransone, Detective Romero all of the others that have guest starred on the show? They brought a rookie cop on for one episode and it was asinine. Flash Rob could have been a no name actor since they didn't really do anything with his character.
I want to see the main characters grow professionally and personally. If they don't, it'll be the same old same old and the show will continue to struggle. People get bored when storylines are rehashed and they aren't moving so TM needs to move their stories along before viewership falls any lower than it already has.
I don't have any hopes for next week and if it ends like 6x9 did, on a dud, I won't be surprised.
This is my overall review and I expected more from last night. The editing was sloppy and a lot of the things included in the promo were cut for who knows what. I wanted to see Buck and Jee-Yun baking but that was maybe 20 seconds. I also wanted to see less of Brad and if he ends up working at the 118, then WTF? It seems like TM is setting it up so he can change careers at an older age but I don't want that. Grow the MAINS WHO ARE THERE NOW BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE IS ADDED TO THE DAMN CAST.
I'll end this here because I'm getting frustrated just thinking about what may happen for the remainder of season 8.
#buddie#eddie diaz#evan buckley#christopher diaz#madney#maddie buckley#chimney han#hen wilson#bobby nash#athena grant#911 abc#911 on abc#911 spoilers#911 unpopular opinion#911 speculation#911 meta#Canonically Observing 91-1- Speaks#911 season 8#911 season 8 speculation#brad torrence#anti vincent gerrard
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The lack of response stung, to say the least. Mostly, it left him worried that the invitation was too bold. He hadn't meant it as anything more than it was! He did want to talk to Charlie; it'd been all he wanted since he'd left his home.
Vi tried his best not to look so deflated as they started to pick up and leave-- It'd been a good night! A great one, and even if Charlie didn't want to see him, he still had the memory of the way he felt out there.
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He'd scrubbed his face three times, but there were still traces of glitter stuck to his skin and in his hair. It was fairly normal since he'd started the tour, and if everything else was off and he was clean, that was all that mattered. Digging through his overnight bag, he tugged on a pair of sweats and a shirt before ruffling a hand through his damp hair. His eyes found the mirror on the wall and his cheeks puffed out with air, his face warming. He'd forgotten he'd packed that shirt-- A well worn band tee, stained with bleach, dye, and paint, cropped right below the midriff. It was the last time Cane Corso had been on tour; he'd gone with his brother and bought the shirt on the way out. The material was soft, and it ended up in regular rotation until he'd ruined it with too much love. Still, he couldn't quite get himself to part with it yet, shifting it to pajamas rather than tossing it out.
The urge was there to take it off. Charlie still hadn't responded, and it was starting to make him feel like a fool for thinking he would.
Vi scratched at his jaw and moved towards the kitchenette to pull a glass from the cabinet and bottle of wine from the fridge. He'd started to wrestle with the cork when he was startled by the knock on his door. As much as he was grateful for Nick traveling with him this stretch, he wasn't exactly sure he wanted to hang out tonight. His plans were as followed: get mildly drunk, and toss and turn in a too-cushy hotel bed until they had to leave again.
Vi set the bottle aside and padded towards the door. Unlocking it, he pulled it open, a tired pout already poised on his lips. However, the face behind it had his own quickly shifting to a bright surprised. Before he could say anything at all, he was grinning, his arms out to tug the man into a tight hug. "I wasn't sure you were coming!" He said and pulled him inside, closing the door behind them before his giddiness could attract any attention. Clinging onto Charlie's hand, he squeezed it and smiled for him. "I was so happy to see you out there! I would've had you ride with us, but I didn't want to accidentally get you cornered." He said, babbling a little out of his excitement. "Were you there the whole time? I would've given you tickets if you asked me."
Vi hummed, tugging him back towards the kitchenette with him. Finally letting him go, he grabbed another glass and went back to trying to dig the cork out of his drink. "I-I'm sorry I haven't been in touch the last few weeks, I-..." He didn't really have an excuse, other than his nerves. "I've been pretty busy." He tried and frowned at himself, "How are you?"
Victory checked his phone again, opening the messaging app and confirming for the hundredth time this was the right spot. He'd pulled off some kind of miracle in the last month, not only getting in contact with one of his favorite artists, but managing to keep it going almost regularly. And now he was standing outside of an unfamiliar building on an unfamiliar street in the middle of Appalachian nowhere, getting ready to meet him in person.
He'd dressed down for the occasion, mostly for his own sake, but for Charlie's too. His own success was leading to more and more people clocking him while he was out, and he doubted dressing like Elton John would help him blend in in a place like this. The bleached hair he'd been sporting recently was tucked nicely under a baseball cap, his extensive ink work covered by a baggy sweatshirt. He'd even taken his earrings out in a rush, storing them in his pocket when he realized he'd forgotten to leave them in his hotel room. The last thing Charlie needed was to be bombarded because he agreed to meet him.
In the middle of using his phone screen as a mirror, his eyes widened as it lit up with a text. Vi quickly shoved it in his pocket and gave a quick sweep of the area. He frowned for a moment, but before he could pull out his phone again, his eyes landed on a familiar face, his own quickly brightening into a grin. Bouncing on his feet, he laughed as he waved his arms to usher his pen pal over.
Charlie Reimes. Cane Corso had been a staple on his playlists for years, and here was the frontman in the flesh. -- All because he'd gotten drunk and too bold, sending him what was an embarrassing DM expressing his admiration. It was a testament to maybe not all of his questionable choices led to questionable outcomes.
Beaming, he practically hopped the rest of the way over to him, his smile toothy, cheeks pink, and his eyes crinkled. "I can't believe it! I don't think you understand how massive this is to me." He said, babbling a little in his excitement. "I can't even begin to thank you. You've been such an inspiration to me forever and-" Oh! Oh, shit. Face flooding with color, he lifted his hands to wave off the starstruck gibberish, and instead offered him his palm. "I-I'm Vi." He managed, "It's nice to see you in person."
@purposefully-lost
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good morning
#i finished my bio assignment last night so i wouldn't feel pressured to do it all today and i am very grateful for my past self for that#it isn't great but i took “do it bad” to heart. it isn't good but it's done and that's all that matters to me#i was REALLY struggling with it so i'm just glad it's done#now i can draw 👍#well. i have exams next week. but THEN i will be FREE for a few weeks to draw WHATEVER MY HEART DESIRES#my art#cats oc#oc: foxglove
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Happy Baltimore Pride, the parade starts in 3 and a half hours and I'm already exhausted
#am i excited to be in the parade for the first time ever? yes. am i as an audhd disaster already overwhelmed? yuh.#also like. for all the team/the pres and the few sober members are trying to make it safe for us pride just isnt sober/recovery friendly#like on the grand scheme big picture culturally i mean. yes you can easily avoid alcohol during daytime hours at the streetfair etc#but ive only seen one event very clearly advertise no alcohol. the rest is very much the shots shots rail liquor sponsored by x booze etc#and thats not to say it shouldn't be im not trying to ruin the fun for everyone else thats not what this is.#its more an observation of - damn. im four months into recovery with alcohol as an autistic bipolar person. this might suck.#like this might be really hard and not be as fun as I'd hoped and I'm grieving the fact i never got the experience the pride others did#the free unhinged party that my teammates have been constantly talking about in the chat for the last week#they're already cracking open beers im sure and the grilling starts at 11am at our parade spot so that they can start drinking and save $#im used to being on the outside of the glass but its always a smidge uncomfortable. it helps having sober teammates with me#but a part of me worries about this weekend i guess.#just... not feeling great in our body. bones feel wrong. everything feels tired and heavy. poor monster doesn't want to be seen.
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i want to crawl under my desk and go to sleep
#that is not possible because i cannot fit under there#damn it#i want a nest man#somewhere nice and cozy and just for me where i can stare at the wall for hours#that sounds.. good#btw i'm really tired of not being a pretty boy like what the fuck#lol the mental illness really shining through tonight#but i opened pinterest and almost burst into tears because there was a pretty guy and i am not him#sigh i guess i have to be this horrible thing until i die#unfair really#i need to be medicated i think it would help#i just haven't felt great the last few days#wait. couple of weeks?#i can't remember.#but i don't feel like me.#at least i have my stupid otome soundtrack to keep me company sing at me pretty anime boys.#lol watch me delete this in 9 minutes or smth#unless i forget#idk i just wanted to vent i guess don't read this shit#i'm happy nice aerie really. just not right now#god it's only 7:45#at least my hair is clean i guess#sigh#diaerie#delete later
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vent incoming:
got my grades back for my courses last semester and most of it was to be expected, mostly A's, maybe an A-, etc. but i honestly can't get over the fact that my independent study (the buddy cole documentary) was for some reason given a B. like sure getting a B isn't bad per se, I usually get at least one B every semester and i honestly don't really care about what my exact gpa is as long as i can graduate, but come on. this school put me through months of psychological torment over this project and didn't even have the nerve to give me a B+??? i'm still coping with the self-doubt they forced on me and this bullshit is not helping!!
#honestly it's kind of hilarious ngl. especially bc i also got my documentary work counted as an independent study the previous semester#and the previous semester even tho i barely worked on the doc itself#(mostly just planning and putting together the crowdfunding which was still a lot of work but like compare it to the past few months)#they were willing to give me an A (my school doesn't do A+ so this is the highest mark possible)#vs this semester. like i'll admit my final assignment was late and could have been more polished#but i was literally on tour in documentary-mode 24/7 for several weeks. i filmed an entire comedy special! i put together a live interview!#not to mention having to fucking negotiate with my own college censoring the footage they'd promised me of an event i put together#and play nice with a professor who literally outed me on twitter in an attempt to cancel one of my best friends#at this point the ''B'' feels more like a petty grudge than anything else#like ok we can't get away with *actually* fucking over jessamine's grades bc clearly ze did do the work. but let's just give zir a B#like i will admit the audio quality in my final isn't great. and i could have used more polished footage in some sections#but counterpoint: 100+ students were arrested at a protest while i was editing and i was having a mental breakdown#the fact that i finished *anything* is goddamn impressive especially after they essentially conditioned me to hate myself any time i was#working on a project i loved!!!#due to the aforementioned student arrests my college did put out an option where we could change any letter grade this semester to pass/fai#so anything passing wouldn't impact our gpa if we didn't want it to. so i could just change the B to a ''pass''#but really what's the point. ''B'' is still a good grade and my GPA is fine (3.65 on a 4.0 grading scale. 2.0 is required to graduate)#it just sucks that after what i went through last semester i feel like nobody takes it seriously#i was reminiscing earlier about how it's honestly kind of funny how after that professor outed me on twitter#i was at the hotel with scott like an hour later sobbing and having an existential crisis about my relationship to gender#and scott was so supportive but also awkwardly being like#''i know i should offer the crying child a tissue but where the fuck are the tissues in this room what do i do''#and he just handed me a full-on towel instead like oh my god he was trying his best but also so clearly out of his depth#but of course i then had to remember how when i told that story to a different professor to be like ''this is how much scott cares about me#this guy called me fucking UNPROFESSIONAL for crying in front of the subject of my documentary?????????#like yeah maybe so but how DARE you call me unprofessional when a different professor tweeted my full name and gender without my consent#in an attempt to fucking cancel one of my friends for ''misgendering'' me for using pronouns i'm fine with him using!!!#i don't think i'm ever going to be able to forgive my college and i don't know how i'll be able to get through one more semester#that experience genuinely changed things about my psychology that i'm not proud of and i need to work through#so if i have to miss a goddamn kids in the hall event because i have class this november i am going to set something on fire
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i am ill :(
#on monday i came home from a trip and i didn't feel great#then on tuesday i knew i was sick#yesterday I felt pretty good#but then i couldn't sleep past night and i'm like really sick today#also somewhat of a vent in the next tags ig#my mental health was actually pretty good the past few weeks so i should've known it would get bad at some point#anyway everything blew up last night when it comes to my mental health#and I need to hang out with at least one of my friends but i can't really leave my house#and I haven't talked to one of my close friends in like a month#but im scared to text him even though that's stupid#and i want my mom to leave me alone#anyway#been feeling stinky#not fun :/
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initially this post had some commentary about interests right now. and then it turned into a ramble about personal healing in the tags. so the interest post is going separately.
#i have been possessed by my fourteen year old self.#except now i am *way* less ashamed of my interests#<- oh wow when you're in a place where all your interests that are unique to you are shamed constantly you stop enjoying them#there were so many things i hoarded as ''just mine'' because i was scared that they'd be stolen from me in one way or another#because either it'd be co-opted and i'd have to confirm to their view of said interest. or i'd be shamed and belittled for enjoying it#there are so many little things now (even wider than like. media interests. like literal aspects of myself) that feel wrong to share becaus#the only way to keep it safe was to keep it close to my chest#there are a few names i'd love to go by but as soon as i think about actually telling someone it i feel like i might#(and sometimes do) have a panic attack about it#which is stupid!!! the people around me now love me!!!! and i love them!!!!!#all that to say. being able to post about armand and dm is kind of like. a rebellion i guess#tvc and specifically armand were so important to me because back then i kind of saw myself in him? v. jaded and disconnected with the world#and seeking someone to bring them forward and into a new space to try and reinvent themself#and wanting someone to love them hard enough that it encompassed everything#i wanted to be what daniel was to armand and what armand was to daniel#<- very healthy way to think about the world and relationships btw <3 i was so normal and fine and this was not a sign something was wrong#god this turned into a bit of a vent thing huh.#i'm not like. feeling big feelings i should clarify. i feel like i'm examining them from a distance and taking notes like a scientist lol#it's a thing of like. knowing how unhealthy everything was and acknowledging that i'm healing. slowly; sure. but i am healing#i got to play a game one of them had tainted last week. it was hard and fun and i had big feelings when i was playing#because it was a little triggering. but i did it. i managed. i felt better for it.#i told my partner about one of my favourite bands back in 2021 and now they listen to them too and that's a little bit of joy#because it was one of the things that was deemed ''bad'' and that i can share that with someone now and feel safe to love it is good#and being able to be as obsessive and hyperfixated as i am right now without it being unsafe is really really lovely#and it is making me lean into it! i can engage with this without guilt! i want to fuck that old man!#it's silly and difficult and big and great and awful and complicated. but it's allowed to be. i'm allowed to be.
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#might take a break from posting on ao3#kinda feel like my writing has gotten shittier over the last few weeks#idk it may be just cause i'm not sleeping great#either way everything will get updates/finishes#but probably not for a while#idk
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Being in a long distance relationship long term is so fucked up. For context for people in bigger countries I'm not talking flying distance from each other, I'm talking about 3 hrs apart on the train, so not that far arguably. But still far enough that our lives are almost completely separate in the practical sense, no matter how much we talk on the phone or meet halfway. When one of us stays over at the other's place we are still guests in each other's homes. I still don't know what cohabiting would be like and what a comfortable normalicy of being in each other's lives in person every day would be like. We're coming up to our 11th anniversary. I don't want to break up with him!!!! I love him deeply and I've never met someone I'm as compatible with as him. I've never been in love like this and I'm not easy to know, and yet he does know me and likes what he sees. I just feel I am stuck and I am frustrated that my sex life is like once every 3 months. I still don't even know how often we would have sex if we lived together, we haven't had the chance to find that rhythm. When we see each other there's no time to do any more involved stuff it's just getting off. Basically everytthing we've talked about has to stay in the realm of fantasy because there's never any fucking time.
I am trying I said to him- you need to do covering letters and things, you can't just send your CV that has never worked. He's the one who wants out of his current job, and out of his town, but applying for jobs is so fucking hard when you're working full time and trying to do things you love to not get fucking depressed. See I understand those things because I would feel the same way. If he moved here we could find a place together and I could find it out if I actually can live with someone else and stay mentally well. I'm getting too dependent on living alone in order to stay mentally well and it worries me.
Sorry to vent. I'm not looking for advice it's just venting.
#yeah it's embarrassing for a 34 yr old to go on about soul mates but i realy believe we are#i wouldn't be in this situation if we weren't really for real great together because i'm old enough to do right by myself#i can wait and in understand it's hard for someone neurodivergent to make big changes#it would be hard for someone neurotypical! so it must be even worse for him and it's so easy for him to get overwhelmed and crash emotional#as you can see from my rambles i have my baggage too like massive baggage#i worry though because he came to stay like 3 weeks ago for a few days and i was wound up and uncomfortable having a guest#even though it was him- i was hormonal so that could have been it but it's fucking scary#because you just think 'i wish i was alone in my own home right now doing my comfortable routine'#i'm stressing about washing extra dishes but my ocd requires that i'm always the one to wash them#i just want ot not be bothered and yet i feel like shit because i have no idea if it's always going to be like this or just a bad few days!#even though we have fun when we go out and stuff#the living together thing is really stressing me and i only have the last time it happened 3 months ago which i can barely remember#as reference for how i normally feel when he's here#ooooooof :(#fyi he doesn't want to do polyamory as is his right- it's not for everyone#and he has much more to lose in the dating/casual sex area than i would if i did it but i won't go into why
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#besties i'm going to be real honest with you#i am Not™️ doing all that great lately and it's been tough#there's a lot going on right now#and the impending dread of going back to work is making it 100000% times worse#it's not the fact that i don't *want* to go back to work#it's the fact i don't want to go back to my specific job#i'm just really struggling overall and it's hard and i feel so fucking stuck#i miss my friends i miss being a kid and not having to worry about the woes of adulthood#why can't life be so simple anymore#i'm sick and tired of feeling like i'm going to emotionally breakdown at any given point during the day!!!#i just want to be held and loved#but putting myself out there is scary!! and terrifying!!#i am fragile and emotional!!!#should this be a conversation with my therapist? yeah#literally told her today how fuckin ironic it is that all my emotional breakdowns happen *after* my therapy session#like last week? fucking broke down hysterically the day after therapy#today? only a few hours lmao#so yeah things are going great 🤪#anywho... if i seem distant or... off it's not you it's me lmao#sierra speaks#tbd
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Just had a really uncomfortable conversation with our landlord & his wife - basically he was angry at us for drilling 'so many' holes in the walls (we really, really haven't drilled many holes in the walls. though we did build a shelf a few days ago, that could have sounded like that I guess?) and that it's getting very annoying that we've been moving in for four months now (it's been three months, and the vast majority of that time we didn't do anything, especially not anything loud. the only thing that's happened in like the last month is that we brought home and set up that shelf, and the holes we drilled today).
And it's just.. so confusing. Because we always ask them when we do something that could be loud/bother them, and they always say it's completely fine and everything. I just quickly wanted to get the drilling done today because I had to borrow my brother's drill for it, so we didn't ask this time.
And mainly it's confusing because they've told us SO MANY TIMES that they can't hear us at all, that we never bother them and that they're so happy to have such nice and quiet tenants. Like?? Okay??? How does that make sense. Last week we're great and sooo quiet and today we've suddenly been super loud for "four months".
So anyway after they left and I almost had a panic attack I realised I didn't take my anxiety medication this morning. Now it makes sense at least.
#I have not felt like this in months#it's so scary#my brain immediately went to 'they hate us and they're kicking us out and I have to kill myself now because I can't handle this'#and seriously like. there were SO MANY random holes in literally every wall of this apartment that WE fixed when we moved in#so the few that we made really don't fucking matter like come on now#I don't know I'm really feeling bad#almost like I have a fever#I took my meds when I realised but I don't know if it was too late#I guess that's my day and possibly week ruined then#I was JUST starting to feel good. like things were finally almost done. I was so happy#hanging up those small shelves was the last thing basically#and now it's all just ruined and I wish I could go somewhere else and not be here ever again#great!!!#why can't I just have rich and nice parents that have a house that I can live in 😭 I'm not strong enough to live like this#why is renting an apartment just literally actually hell#I want to d.i.e.#okay I've vented I hope it'll be fine now. it doesn't feel like it will but. it better be#I'm just gonna go rewatch abbott elementary and cry now#personal
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Since today is Thanksgiving and all that, I'm thankful for the conversation I had with my sister yesterday that led to me figuring out a lot of stuff for my Stormshipping Cinderella au so I can start writing it a lot sooner than I thought I would because I'm slow as shit. Chazzerella is on the horizon! Next year babes 👀
#figured out some lore and logistic stuff that would bug me not to acknowledge#because my toxic trait as a writer is that I do the most appropriately all of the time#she also helped me work out specifically how to handle the glass slipper situation in conjuction with Light and Darkness Dragon so yay!!#if I decide to do the ygobb next year again I might save it for that like I did OUAD but I'm not sure if I'm gonna do it again#or maybe take a break this year since I've done it the last 5 years in a row#I haven't written anything not for the ygobb in so long I kinda wanna take a break and do stuff just for me again#because the time constraints are what make me burn out so hard because I'm pushing myself too hard to get done#in what feels like such a short amount of time when it's honestly hard for me to write shorter fics as much as I want to#anyway it's gonna be a great au and I'm excited#also I'm gonna be posting my Fatal Frame crossover as I write it after I get the first few chapters done#that way we can pretend to have some consistency but I miss just writing and posting whenever I feel like it and have the mental power#I miss having longevity I feel like all my fics die off really quickly because I had to adhere to the bb posting schedule#we had to post every single day if we had multichapter fics every year until this year but we had to have it all up within 4 weeks#so I wanted to post OUAD twice a week but it has 12 chapters so I had to do 3 times a week instead#I just don't have the longevity I wish I could have so I'm taking it back#basically this crossover and this au are me taking back my own fics and protecting my brain from having to push too hard all the time#I want to enjoy the actual writing process again I'm tired of feeling stressed and that I have to finish it asap#but fuck it right?#yugioh#yugioh gx#stormshipping#chazz princeton#atticus rhodes#yugioh gx fanfiction
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the comments on my fics are some of the only things holding me together rn
#grammar? i hardly know her#The Author Of This Text Post Has Chosen Not To Use Archive Warnings#i still have my kidney stone i am suffering from the side effects of the flowmax i was prescribed i am sick bc my sister coughed in my#face last week when i was bathing her my period just started i am jobless and i'm on the last crumbs of my savings which are currently bein#eaten by medical bills i likely have to move the rent is being increased by $300 bc the landlord is a pos both sides of my family are strug#and i'm anxious about other family/health stuff and my friend is having a Really bad time and there's nothing i can do to help them and#i'll stop there i've already overshared enough#negative /#complaining /#period mention /#tmi /#fuck if i move out of state what am i gonna do about my credits i was gonna try and take the last few courses to finish my degree#....................#the reason i didn't do it this year was bc i couldn't afford it hahfhdshcfdfggfbfggffg...........#rip i guess haha ..................#i have some appointments w new drs next month and i hope i can pay the copay at each of them. it's literally $4....... yet i........#and i need to see some other ones too bc there r too many things wrong w me apparently. cool#life isn't that great rn but i will figure it out eventually#or maybe i won't#whatever i guess#opening the fic comments again i need to feel soemthign that isn't shitty feelings#scarlett.txt
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Mmm nothing like a good old full blown panic attack, I haven't had one in years. This time at least I have access to medication to make it stop a lot faster, but I have 6 pills left for the next 2,5 months and the recent trends in my mental state are not looking good.
#majek says shit#very bad year and VERY BAD week#had a new friend over for a few days and they had and encounter with an absolute bed bug infestation a couple days earlier#took all precautions they could and were very serious about the whole thing but were paranoid#something bit my bf on the knee literally the day after she left and we're in overdrive now#I say it's a mosquito because that night there was one in the house that I couldn't cath#but he says thats not how his body reacts to mosquitoes. I'm keeping myself in denial to preserve the little mental health I have left#my body decided that the stress will manifest as itchy hives which is great#we moved everything to my room and I'm going insane#I need my own space to live with someone and we even slept separately for like 2 years because it's better for sleep quality#and now we sleep together which is pretty nice and nicer than I remembered but also I have literally no space mental or physical#I'm unemployed and he works from home#we moved the tv to watch movies in bed and everything is taking so much physical space. my personal space#the house is a mess and my life is a mess and everything seems hopeless#I'm having... anxiety attacks? first once a week now every day. I always thought they were like milder panic attacks#they kinda are. as in they are shorter. and actually about something not the undescribed “watch out!”#but severity is like a panic attack was compressed into a few seconds which feel like I'm standing on the edge of a void pulling me in#it's physical. I have to physically hold on to something or move my body vigorously as if I'm shuffling away#and it lasts literally seconds and I'm fine-ish#my psychiatrist heard about it happening once a week and wrote me a prescription (?) to go to psychiatric hospital#not to stay there but for intensive 5-6h daily three month therapy#and after that visit I started having these attacks daily I think because it got to me that I'm Not Ok#it all started when I started on my new antidepressants and they are helping... but I'm afraid they are breaking something else...#I'm scared that they are#but so much is happening#unemployed for a year. my industry is going to shit. lost my friend who made sure to give me a big package of toxic waste as a farewell gift#so I have no support from anyone who even remotely understands me#unemployment means rejection over and over because I'm trying...#and this week exhausted me socially on top of everything. and the bed bugs threat. it's good I at least have xanax when it gets like today#oh also I'm turning 30 in a month. this is going to be great for job opportunities I can feel it
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my perception of grades totally changed since i started uni
#in school i just did the bare minimum a pass was fine and a 3 great#it's insane to think about it how little i did like for a lot of subjects not at all and if i did i'd study like 2 hrs the day before 😭#and i thought this was studying hard or if i studied 3 hrs at least whaaat#well for some subjects i did a bit more#but like it is no comparrison#at uni i also did study the day before a few times but then i did an 8hr session#(i might just need to do that tmrw but the thing is the exam is one you can't study for so literary idk what i'd study so long for??)#(or how to study... it's translation but how tf do you study translation it's highly subjective and there are no practice exercises)#(i will probably just look at the notes)#but anyway for my last exam i spent 5 hrs in the library a day and i already started 2 weeks before (altough just in smaller bits)#but bumped it up exam week i did like 2-3hrs on average a day#even if i start too late like i did for one of the hardest test of my studies i only studied for 2 days but like all day or 10hrs sth a day#it by far exceeds the 2hrs lmao and even that was very little for this exam many studied 2 weeks but like i got a good grade so it's okay#but my point is now that i get better grades good one's a C is a massive disappointment for me 😅#unless it was a really difficult one then i'd take it but like it upsets me#a teacher once told me when i got a c on an exam quite a few failed that many would be happy to have that grade well true tbh but i can't#and once i almost cried because i got a C because i thought it was an easy course but it was an oral exam and i'm worse in these#(because in written i often remember the answer later in the exam and then go back but in oral i can't do that)#well that was embarrassing😭 i'm trying to never do that again so if i get asked how i feel abt it say it's okay ig#but sometimes even a B is meh 😅 especially if an A was possible and it was an easy course/exam#i want more A's less B's tbh B's also because i really want to go abroad and raise my grade average for that#i want to go from a B average to an A something average to improve my chances#but yeah younger me wouldn't believe this 😂#i really want to study harder to make that step up to more A's than B's like uni does come quite easy to me#and while i study way more compared to others i still get away with less effort and good results but i could have excellent grades#on the one hand it's good that i improved so much on the other those expectations might not be because i'm almost never satisfied anymore 😅#and i know it's kind of really unimportant because there are real problems and also many uni students struggle to pass their classes#it's maybe even a bit disrespectful because they'd be happy to have these grades and i should be more grateful#but i swear i don't look down on anyone with worse grades i know how difficult it can be and also how outside factors play a role#some have it more difficult some have to work a lot next to uni or really suffer from mental illness besides no one's brain is the same
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