#I'm more able to focus on stuff I want to do and control my obsessive switching between hobbies

[celtrist]

This was the piece that I had started before my extensive vacation (of coughing). Once again, Alastor is consistently the bane of my existence with his... well everything.

No matter! Anyway, this is something I like to call the Obsession AU. To sum it up real fast: Everyone is yandere for Alastor. I think it would just be apart of his punishment in Hell, being consistently forced into or desired in romantic/sex which he's never had much interest in. I would describe it as a dark comedy thing, but it can be as comedic or as dark as you want here. With that said, please be on guard with any mentions of darker content that treds towards a certain dead bird territory when I get a bit into how I imagine some of the characters. Again, it doesn't have to go that far if you're interested in this premise of an au and wanna focus on the more light hearted stuff, feel free.

This au is just poking a bit of fun at how everyone in the fandom wants to put Alastor in romantic situations constantly (whether it be with themselves or the other characters) despite Alastor probably being the least interested in the subject in the whole show. This is by no means a hate train or making fun of people who do enjoy shipping Alastor, it just more of a funny thing I think comes off as pretty ironic for his character and hopefully, others can enjoy that too. In this au he leans pretty much on the clear-cut side of aromantic and asexual with no interest in romantic affections at all. With that said, if you want to explore Alastor genuinely being interested in one of the other characters romantically or something similar, feel free to explore that! I can see some interesting dichotomies there. It's just within the actual "canon" of this au, he's not at all interested with that sort of thing. And just with a last final reminder to get into some character things I have in mind, some of the content mentioned does get pretty dark, particularly with Valentino but I don't think anyone's surprised there. But there might be some triggering content of the following mentioned here with characters but no crazy details really: Manipulation/Gaslighting, forced feminization, Non-con, Munchausen syndrome, Poisoning, Possessive, Drugging, Love bombing And I will be sure to give a quick warning to each character it might apply to, please feel free to let me know if I missed anything!

Rosie (Munchausen syndrome, Poisoning): Rosie has 100% poisoned Alastor before to make sure he relies on her. They started off as good friends but at some point Alastor began getting ill and Rosie offered to take care of him. This leads to Alastor staying in bed for full days, only really seeing Rosie who took care of his every need from food, clothing, washing, and so on. At some point, Alastor caught on that Rosie was putting something in his food to make him sick and he managed to escape with their friendship tarnished much to his dismay. He's often uneasy around Rosie but is upfront about his knowledge of Rosie's deeds. Rosie, in turn, acts like it is a lighthearted situation and often offers Alastor over for lunch, which he often denies. Any food he gets at his doorstep from a secret admirer or a lunchbox he finds at his seat in an overlord meeting goes straight into the trash. Alastor will still use Rosie's assets to his benefit of course, but is always careful as to what she might try to get in exchange. He has had more awkward lunches with her with his homemade meal versus the buffet she catered for the occasion, with the two gossiping like old times. Alastor is still uneasy during these times, but he also revels in the false pleasantries due to not having many others he's able to associate himself with due to the curse.

Lucifer (Controlling, Possessive, Manipulation): So I'm not 100% clear how I wanted to approach Lucifer. He and Charlie are probably the most similar I suppose? He wants Alastor as his queen (either alongside him and Lilith or only with him, he doesn't mind either way). He doesn't force him into dresses or anything, but Lucifer does consistently make doting moves and talks about how Alastor would make a good father to their children. Marriage is one of the mind and Lucifer probably gets a bit possessive with him. He also tries to guilt trip Alastor a lot, or manipulate situations in one of their arguments to get Alastor to say something he doesn't mean.

Charlie (Controlling, Possessive): Probably the most tame of everyone quite honestly. Charlie can be a bit controlling but does step off when Alastor expresses his dislike of her doing so, even if it takes a couple times. She likes doing things for him, is super affectionate, and daydreams about her, Vaggie, and Alastor all getting married. She can get pretty possessive with him, not being pleased when anybody does anything against Alastor's will or hurt him. The only exception to this rule is Vaggie, to which Charlie sees it like two cats getting along and finds it very endearing.

Vaggie (Forced Feminization, Controlling, Murder): Depending on how you look at it, Vaggie's one of the more fucked up obsessions or one of the more funnier ones. Because she's automatically inclined to like Alastor quite a bit with the curse thing but her personality doesn't jive with his for her own taste (in terms of their first meeting), she both hates and loves the guy. She's obsessed with trying to murder Alastor with traps around the hotel or outright standing over him with her spear. The hatred comes primarily from not wanting to feel the way she does about him, I guess like a fucked up tsundere if you wanna go that route. At the same token, however, she does want Alastor to be involved with both her and Charlie romantically. There's just one little problem: Vaggie has about the same amount of interest in men as she does in canon. So to sort of "fix" Alastor, she consistently tries to force him to be more feminine in clothing, offering different feminine names, and even trying to force him to get a sex change. Alastor is pretty slippery though, so it never quite works out in Vaggie's favor aside from the occasional dress or skirt being worn, which solidifies her attraction to him. Then he takes it off and looks more like a man again, and it solidifies her frustration/hatred for him.

Angel Dust (Drugging): To start, while I think Angel would love to have sex with Alastor, he 100% would not force it. Wouldn't even do touches or anything. Potentially he could just like as a coping (to be in a situation where HE'S the one in control), but that is a darker route that I don't think will be exactly true for this AU. However, he very much enjoys drugging Alastor similar to Rosie. Not only just as a bonding thing since Angel would also do the drugs WITH him, but just to get the not-quite-lucid compliments from Alastor and maybe a snuggle then and there. He wants to dote on Alastor with him drugged out in his bed saying nice things to Angel. Admittedly this one's a bit of a workshop as I just knew I didn't want Angel to be focused on sex like somebody, but wasn't sure what to do here.

Valentino(Non-con, LoveBombing): I mean... it is Valentino, what did you THINK he'd be trying to do with Alastor? There's really not much to say here, Valentino essentially tries pulling all the stops trying to get Alastor in bed while also love-bombing the hell out of him. Which really doesn't work. Valentino is pretty open with sharing Alastor, but again, does this surprise anyone? As long as he's participating in some way, he really doesn't mind.

Vox (ALL warnings): Pretty much the worst version of himself that people make him be sometimes for those darker stories in the fandom. While more interested in having an enthusiastic partner, I don't think Vox would be opposed to forcing himself onto Alastor. He consistently tries to manipulate and gaslight, while enjoying both the suffering and pleasure of Alastor. Much like Vaggie, Vox is obsessed both being in love with Alastor while also downright hating him to the core. He's possessive and likes the idea of being both sweet and heinous with Alastor. He pretty much is every other character wrapped up in one fucked up TV man. Vox acts the most well-adjusted of the characters here, but he's probably got the obsession the worst.

And of course, pretty much every other conceivable ship is up for grabs here. I did think about maybe unfallen angels are able to resist the obsession curse, which would possibly make a funny team-up of Alastor, Adam, Lute, and Emily. Alternatively, I thought maybe the other canonically asexual characters in the show wouldn't be affected instead, meaning another oddball team-up of Alastor, Octavia, and Mammon. Then there is of course the "nope, there's no escape for deer man". Not sure yet, maybe I'll workshop it. I have more normal things in the works rather than this messed up little au, but darker content is a guilty pleasure of mine.

[kaorucup]

speculating about the season 3 peepers villain arc

lately I've been thinking about season 3 again and I wanna cope with the fact it won't happen soon, so I want to talk about one of its concepts

(IT'S GONNA HAPPEN MAN, JUST WAIT UNTIL NEW PPG PROJECT AND THE NEW FOSTER'S HOME ARE ACTUALLY DONE)

something that's always piqued my interest was the mention of "peepers being tempted by the darker side" in official season 3 posts. (you know which, we've seen them all). it's not the only one there that interested me, but some concepts like the three new villains due for season 3 were actually deconfirmed by Craig himself in a Twitter q&a, and instead said it would be an existing character.

(I think. I'm not sure about that one)

see, things like that always change when everything is actually in production. I actually wanna make an entirely different post dedicated to the main antagonist and/or conflict because there's a lot of stuff to discuss there. but something that I truly think WILL make it into season 3 will be peepers' villain arc. I think there's a chance they could build off what's already in the show to lead up to this arc.

a quick recap of his attitude towards hater

in season 1, it's clear peepers tended to stay on hater's good side, since he still (somewhat) respected hater's actions in a way since he's been with him for so long + he only followed hater's goal of destroying wander and sylvia since they were their ONLY obstacle in their goal to rule the galaxy

I used this frame specifically because it's one of the only times he scolds hater in season 1 (maybe the only time, I forgot), and even then he's still scared to do so since hater even threatens him after this

and as we all know, by the end of season 1 and season 2 in general, he scolds hater A LOT more often because dominator's arrival spelled doom for the entire galaxy, even the villains. even before that, it was clear hater's obsession with wander was damaging the reputation of the empire, and hell other villains were even beating him on the leaderboard. by the greater hater, he's reduced to the 29th greatest. and now if you add hater's failure to initially properly focus on restoring his control over planets to putting his obsessions (wander in the beginning, dominator by the end) at priority equals one very pissed peepers.

in this particular frame, we all know this is a big moment in which peepers loses it and truly gets mad at hater for losing complete focus.

so when he finally locks in during the season finale it shocks peepers so much it moves him to literal tears. this man has been disappointed so much this season that this final move has made him truly happy. from my fair hatey to this episode, hater's ultimate goal is to save the galaxy to be able to conquer it again. so when that goal is accomplished he finally goes back to doing evil and attempts to conquer the secret final planet, peepers is literally so happy he has a heart eye. (not even close to being straight)

of course he's disappointed once more when hater begins to chase wander again.

"nothing ever changes."

2. peepers has greater plans for himself

"the universe will be mine!"

"if you ask me, I should be the one in charge."

I'm pretty sure I'm missing more moments where he shows an interest in becoming a great villain on his own. in general, it's made very clear that peepers is much more competent than hater. hell even evil sandwich has described him as a "smart guy who actually knows what evil is all about."

3. I FINALLY SPECULATE ABOUT THE VILLAIN ARC

So with all that background information out of the way, we reach the actual speculation.

these Tumblr posts by Frank Angones about season 3 are what got me to write this post. with this info in mind, I have a little scenario to share here

at the beginning of season 3, Hater would become a hero to the galaxy (following up from the ending to the end of the galaxy), and even though he tried conquering planets, he wound up either not conquering them or doing good deeds instead, to his own—and peepers'—dismay. again, taking the end of the galaxy's ending in mind, he clearly intended to conquer the new galaxy. however, it's clear he's definitely not as willing to do so and admits to peepers at one point that he tends to think about not being a bad guy. this of course breaks peepers' heart (yeah in that way too), and in a fit of rage leaves the empire.

he escapes to somewhere (idk where) and from there the antagonist(s) of season 3 either pick him up or kidnap him. from there they show peepers their ways and begin tempting him to join them.

from there more new scenarios can be made, depending on their motivation. Frank Angones has also stated that "there are worse fates than galactic destruction". in a future post about the season 3 antagonist(s), I'll explain more about what this could mean. since the post only says he could be tempted, we don't know if he would actually temporarily switch to their side.

if peepers joins an antagonist: he likely takes in their ideologies and hater (?) may have to remind him of his evil ways or something

if peepers declines: he realizes who he is to the hater empire and makes a move against the antagonist

secret options: the darker side is actually an actual villain (the antagonist(s) aren't "villains" like hater and dominator)

the scenarios are similar but I'll share them

if peepers joins them: he uses his knowledge and evil traits to the max to begin committing atrocities and stuff like that. hater and/or wander has to do something about it

if peepers declines: he realizes the villain is insane and goes back to hater (very, very, very small chance for a redemption, but maybe it will because wander can help him or something)

(I'm iffy on this one)

4. one final piece of speculation related to his backstory

when writing this post, I made two and two and found out something.

I don't tend to trust fandom wikis that much, but since the information seems to be accurate and aligns with what Frank is saying, I think all this implies the watchdogs mock peepers a LOT for being the shortest watchdog. what's also slightly implied is that his napoleon complex (in which he happens to be insecure about his height, which has been shown quite a bit in the series itself. "you are tall" being part of his motivational tapes, wander raises his soles to give him a sense of growth, the platform boots as a gift).

so if this is a big part of his origin story, I assume that way before he joined the hater empire with the other watchdogs, peepers was mocked for being the shortest. so when he and the watchdogs pledge allegiance to the empire, he "feels like he has something to prove", and begins from the bottom like most of the watchdogs until he's done so many evil things that hater notices him and promotes him to commander.

so now with that in mind, it makes sense why peepers would lose his mind over hater potentially giving up evil after pretty much devoting himself to evil for so long

once again, I yapped what I needed to yap and I'm satisfied

oh my god I spent like almost 3 hours researching and writing for this dear GROP

Edit: now that I think about it the way he said the line about the watchdogs feeling special and important in their interviews was actually kind of spiteful, which makes sense (poor guy wants to feel like that more often.....)

[k-s-morgan]

I read that you're a huge fan of Wei Wuxian from Grandmaster of demonic cultivation, sharing the number one spot with Ciel Phantomhive, and I was just curious what you think about Lan Wangji from the same universe, and why Wei is your particular favourite? Do you prefer Untamed or the anime version or the novels and would you ever consider writing a fic about them? Can you see any simlarities between Wei Wuxian and Ciel by the way?

I absolutely love Lan Wangji! He and Wei Wuxian are my passion right now, I'm fully immersed into the fandom, reading endless fics, re-watching, re-reading, etc. Which is funny since I usually go for more fucked up couples.

The answer got long, so I'll break it into parts.

Loving the characters

I love the absolute devotion Lan Wangji has for Wei Wuxian, the reverence mixed with obsession, the resolution to follow him anywhere, anytime. His protectiveness, his wild jealousy, his silence.

As for Wei Wuxian, I find him genuinely hilarious, even when he is being unbearable. He constantly makes me smile - he's a source of relentless, blinding light that I can't look away from. I deeply admire him for his ability to stand up for justice in such a relatable way. I found it illuminating for myself since I'm in a similar situation with Russians. Should all be condemned just because so many of them are either terrorists or indifferent to terrorism? If Ukraine were to win, would I approve of them all being judged equally, or would I stand up against the mistreatment of the innocent?

By watching Wei Wuxian, I came to the conclusion that I would never support the injustice, but I also wouldn't fight for justice. Sadly, this is the approach I constantly revert to in my life. I don't want to be singled out and targeted by association, so I would probably just stay silent. And this realization really affected me and made me admire him even more.

I tend to think that I'm a pretty good person moral-wise. Wei Wuxian showed me that I still have a very long way to growth.

His resilience is infectious, and I love how he never loses his optimism and cheerfullness for long even in the worst situations.

Different canon versions

I think I prefer the novels followed closely by Untamed; then the anime. Untamed is like an imperfect draft of a good story for me. I grumble over them not being able to show Wei Wuxian as a necromancer, taking away from his brilliance with the Yin Iron stuff, trying to shift the responsibility away from him by introducing the second flute, and of course for all but castrating Lan Wangji. They locked up his passionate, lively side, so he feels more static and blank than in the novels, even though I still think he's amazing.

Ciel

I don't think I see any similarities between Ciel and Wei Wuxian. Well, they are both smart, but that's probably it. Ciel is cold, grim, and collected, and a pretty bad person; Wei Wuxian, despite his tragic loss of control, maintained his goodness and happiness. He's a chatterbox who can't live without communication; Ciel is the opposite of that.

Fic ideas for Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji

As for writing a fic about Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji: I do have an urge to do it, but I already have two large stories that need my focus, so I have no plans to indulge myself right now. If I were to write something, I have two plots that wouldn't leave my mind.

The first one would be a modern AU where I would fuel the weak whispers of canon darkness in Lan Wangji. This story would explore the borders of consent, placing Wei Wuxian in a situation where he loves Lan Wangji, but can't escape him. He's forced to be with him, he can't leave because Lan Wangji has something over him to make him stay and play along - I'd be curious to see how it affects their relationship, what it does to Wei Wuxian's love, and what lessons Lan Wangji learns.

The second idea of a story would take place in canon times, but it'd be a soulmates AU where Gusu Lan forbid catering to the soul-bonds. Wei Wuxian would spend his early and teenage years trying to reach out to his soulmate through the bond, sharing his loneliness and doubts, and Lan Wangji, despite being compelled to respond, would keep ignoring him. Things would change when they finally meet. Lan Wangji would become infatuated enough to break the rules, but Wei Wuxian, having spent over a decade ignored despite all his attempts, would be too hurt and angry to reciprocate. Turning the tables and exploring how they get out of this emotional mess would be really fun.

I actually read a story similar to the second plot, but they resolved their conflict almost instantly, and I'd want to dedicate hundreds and hundreds of pages to it.

[queenofmalkier]

Queen Nynaeve is nowhere to be seen in the second of the season

Interestingly, the showrunners seem to be favoring Egwene by making her the hero in both season finales. However, I have high hopes for Nynaeve's character development in the next season, depending on how the writers handle her storyline. One thing that I don't enjoy about the books is the lack of Nynaeve's point of view in the later books and the disregard for her safety by her friends. Nynaeve is my favorite character, and it's disappointing to see her become an afterthought to move the plot forward at times in the book, so I am happy with the show expanding her storyline. With that being said, I was disappointed with the finale, but I do see a path forward in season 3 and future seasons. What are your thoughts on the lack of focus on Nynaeve in the second half of the season? What is your expectation for season 3 and future Lan and Nynaeve moments?

I love this ask because I have so many thoughts.

To start with, I have felt disappointment with Nynaeve in the show not being straight up BAMF. I want to see her get hulk!mad and blow stuff up! SHE ANGY!!! But when I take a step back from my violent need to see Nynaeve commit violence of all forms, I'm actually left pretty satisfied with what they've done so far?

Season 1 was about establishing everybody, including Nynaeve. We needed to see that she came from a position of power and respect in the Two Rivers despite her young age. People trusted her because of her knowledge, because she'd proved herself worthy of that trust.

As she's older in the show we don't see the outbursts she's known for in the books nor does she whack people with a stick, but that's too be expected. She's grown past feeling like an imposter as a wisdom - though she still feels the sting of it, as evidenced by how she interacts with Moiraine.

We see her do some incredible things, and then we see she's capable of wielding some truly awe-inspiring power.

Season 2 takes that Nynaeve and scares the hell out of her. I think Ishamael said it best - she's afraid of power. I have a whole schpeel on the arches that I want to do because I think that episode (mostly) hammered home that pure terror she has about wielding the one power, but that's for another day.

Contrary to the books, Nynaeve isn't treated as another novice. Instead these mythical, powerful women she does not trust are borderline obsessed with making her channel . They keep talking about her potential, about her gift, about what she'll do... but none of them is really talking about Nynaeve al'Meara doing those things. They're thinking about the woman they want her to become: Nynaeve Sedai.

They don't even ask what she wants.

The fact that she has a block and cannot control her power is explored more in the show than it is in the early books, in my opinion. Later books she breaks down and admits just how afraid she is, but instead we're getting that earlier - in the arches, she can't heal Tam, then later she explodes in the same rage she did in season one but nobody is healed, nobody is saved.

Close your eyes, think of a flower. We've seen Nynaeve react negatively to that statement more than once, and I think that's a really, really good way to demonstrate just how unlike the other Aes Sedai she is. "It doesn't work for me like that!"

It's heartbreaking to see, and it's why Liandrin is able to manipulate her, because she doesn't treat Nynaeve like everyone else, nor does she really put her on a pedestal. She challenges her, she shows her the possibilities, she tells her there's no one way to be an Aes Sedai. She makes Nynaeve feel seen. (Putting aside the stolen Siuan scenes.)

Ryma is also able to break through Nynaeve's fear because she approaches it on Nynaeve's level, from a place she'd understand. No flowers, no soft petals. Healing.

Without Ryma there she cannot heal Elayne's leg, and she's so hurt and upset that she can't, but she can still help. She still has all the knowledge of a Wisdom inside of her. It lessens the blow of being unable to channel through her fear.

As much as I want to see Nynaeve channeling like a beast, I'm enjoying watching her work her way through her fear in a way that will make her channeling later on feel earned.

I'm hoping in Season 3 that she acknowledges that fear, as well as her feelings of being a failure to those around her when that imposter syndrome comes back in full - and that she gets past it with the help of Egwene and Elayne, two women who see her for her, and not for the power she can wield.

In regards to Lan/Nynaeve if we don't get the ring scene in Season 3 I'm gonna be so upset lol. It's really difficult to judge where they're taking things from here - how's Tear going to fit in? The hunt for the Black Ajah? Are we staying together? My guess is the 'better together' theme of Season 2 is going to expand to Rand breaking up the gang again because of his own fears, but I really don't know and I'm trying not to overthink it.

[librarycards]

Do you know how stop obsessing over calories (look at pictures of food and watch videos of people in hospital) easier than "Just Start Eating More"? Every person says "Well, eat more and you will not think of it so much". I am not from U.S and harm reduction is not even in my language. Doctors here do not know this concept and it is thought "You do not eat so now you are sick. Go to the hospital or eat with parents". I learn about harm reduction on Tumblr and forums but I do not find an answer to make it easier. Maybe it does not be easier. If this is so, I understand, but I think of it often.

Oy. If I had a fix for calories, you can bet i'd be screaming it from the rooftops. that said, I have gotten to a place where I can look at food a Normal Amount and not watch those awful before & afters and the like, so i'm including below a few recs that don't involve (for example) eating more, decreasing activity, and other traditional 'recovery' methods.

find a new, niche/weird thing to watch videos about. seriously. get obsessed with some hobby or subculture and fill your ig, etc. feed with those! i went through a phase where i'd just watch flight attendant vlogs. i also love "draw/paint/package things with me" videos. Ideally, these would be videos where the person's body wasn't constantly centered.

relatedly - when i was really fixated on peoples' hospital stays and bodies and tubes and stuff, it was because i was lonely. i was desperate for someone who actually shared this experience with me, because i hadn't processed it yet. the best way to address this takes time, but is very worth it: make friends. irl and online. make friends with people who have shared experiences and are good listeners, but are also fun to talk to about other things.

if you do want to keep watching videos about food, you can reduce harm by watching people who promote positive and curious relationships with food! emmymadeinjapan on youtube is one example of this. the baker Erin McDowell is another.

forgive yourself, and make space for doing things partway + in grey areas. this was. like. the hardest thing for me: i spent so much time early on either eating everything on my plate or, if one element was too scary, eating none of it. this isn't a realistic way to approach anything in life! i don't know how old you are or how much of your diet you currently control, but if you are able to decide what's on your plate, make it a mix of things you know you can eat and things you're not sure about.

or, build in a time of day where you try a new snack, even if you aren't able to do it every time. the point is creating new habits -- habits in which you give yourself permission to eat. not because you are required to, but because you have important and meaningful things to do with your life + you need to eat in order to be alive for them!

honestly, there's only so much advice I can give beyond simply gritting your teeth and Doing the Thing. it fucking sucks, and it hurts, but it's much easier when you have warm people in your life who understand, and ways of entertaining yourself that are attendant to your experience but not completely mired in it. this is an important reminder that you're a regular person who can have a variety of regular interests! this is a part of you, but it does not wholly define you, and you have a whole life to live and relationships + hobbies to explore beyond this focus on calories + institutions.

[videochess]

What are three (among your) favorite fantasy weapons/tools? If you fell into a Dive to the Heart, which one would you Wield to gain its Powers and which would you Sacrifice to augment your stats/build?

ohhh man this is a tough one. favoured Fantasy Weapon for me kinda depends on context… i love to be contrarian so in a game thats primarily melee i wanna do ranged and vice versa, for instance. in a game thats all swords, if theres One axe or mace or an option to use fists, thats the one im attracted to.

if i free myself from the chains of Context… ok i think im gonna have a REALLY hard time picking three so im just gonna list some weapons/tools used in fantasy stuff that i think are cool (not strictly Fantasy Weapons because some of this shit is real But Not How THEY Use It!)

shields: not a weapon but so cool. i love shields. you can use them to attack if you want and there's so many styles.

chakram: i didn't really think much about these until playing dancer in ffxiv and now i'm really chakram pilled. also if you play the xena: warrior princess game for psx you can throw a flying chakram that you then directly control in near-first-person and explore the entire level using it. which i think i would be able to do also

staves: magic ones. not a boring bo staff. but also i want to use it like a bo staff & not just as a Spell Focus. fact: i was really excited for palutena in smash 4 because the idea of a staff+shield moveset was REALLY exciting to me but she barely swings the staff around at all… wasteful!

maces, flails: i'm a cleric at heart so i always feel warmed to see one of these guys. it's unfair to bundle these together because they're vastly different technique wise but whatever

kanabo: this is like, a little bit from column Staff, a little bit from column Mace. (ok you dont use a staff like youd use one of these but maybe i would.) its like a giant baseball bat from demon's hell. awesome toy

katars: these are more of a childhood fav but my very first 2nd class in ragnarok online was Assassin because i was obsessed with those cool hand blades. when i was a kid i asked for a katar (real) for my birthday and got one. & it sucked ass

pickaxe: just a cool shape

Just Throwing Shit: im always enchanted by this option when it's present. i love the idea of specializing in just Throwing stuff. Any stuff. the little bouncy hammer you can throw around in destiny 2 as a solar titan is a favorite example of this but many rpgs have "thrown weapon" specializations that dont necessarily correspond to any one weapon Shape. its awesome.

bows: i think they are cool. not much else to say

OK and if i fell into a dive to the heart and i had like a whole armory waiting for me ummmmmm i would… probably pick Staff and sacrifice Sword. this Literally matches what i did in my kh playthru stream which makes it sound kind of boring but, whatever! if magic exists im gonna wanna use it!!! if it doesnt im still gonna have a cool long stick!!!! cant lose!!! actually though if magic DOESNT exist i want a kanabo or chakrams. Thank you!

Honourable Mention: in ultima online there's a weapon called "Hammer Pick" thats like a normal claw hammer with an inordinately long handle. i always thought this was cool. food for thought

[finalgirlkateausten]

Some totally random questions:

How does Hayley feel when the new babies are finally brought home and she actually has siblings in her house now?

Mickey and Maggie vs decorating a nursery and assembling the crib, are they good at this or is there Chaos?

Are Mickey and/or Hayley there when the babies first start kicking? How do they react?

lmao you can tell we were having this conversation at like 1am because i did not even realize you had send this to my inbox 😂 but my brain is firing on a much higher level now anyway so i am going to answer. all of these

with twins Maggie starts feeling the kicks earlier than she expected... they're actually having a family beach weekend in July and the cold smoothie Maggie has is exciting to the babies apparently because that's the first time she feels them moving

it surprises her and so Mickey and Hayley can tell something's happening, ironically Hayley is the one who is concerned at first until Maggie explains

Mickey asks if he can feel and Maggie says she doubts he'll be able to but he's all over her anyway

Hayley forgets about being worried because it's her duty as a 15yo to remind her parents that they're being embarrassing and also that this is kind of weird if you really think about it and mom is it weird?? it seems like it would feel weird

(Maggie says yes, but it was weirder the first time around. Mickey jumps on this by proclaiming that Hayley has always been a weird one. Hayley rolls her eyes and heads back into the water and Mickey decides this is an invitation to a splash fight)

("daaaaad you're buying my next box of hair dye if the salt water washes out the pink!" "well it would stay better if i got you a salon appointment wouldn't it?" [maggie from shore] "michael haller what are you promising her now??")

for most of July Maggie and Mickey both are still reeling from getting the news about twins (and work stuff I guess. Mickey did have quite a lot to deal with after the Trammel murder trial. it's probably better that she's arrested and hates him than walking free and obsessed with him and aware of his family??)

by the time Hayley is going back to school though they Need to start preparing and decorating

there was a moment where Maggie wanted to move; Mickey's place is pretty much a bachelor pad

but Mickey points out that they have the space and moving would be too much stress

Hayley seals the deal; she loooooves the house in the hills and the view and totally flexes the whole place when she has her friends over

Mickey claims that his gift to Maggie for agreeing to stay in place is letting her have full creative control over the nursery plans. she thinks he would've done that anyway

Maggie picks an intense jewel tone green because she says a bright color will make it easier to leave the walls solid and focus their decorating in other areas

Mickey enlists Hayley to paint with him so they don't have to hire anybody

(they could do that easily. but he has it in his head that this is excellent father-daughter bonding)

it goes well for them until he accidentally trips over a paint pan and spills it all over them both. Hayley's new jeans are ruined and she doesn't speak to him for 48 hours

("mija if you didn't want paint on those jeans why didn't you change?? hey, quit slamming doors, your mother is resting!!")

a few days later Hayley comes home from school with her jeans covered in even more paint

("yeah Luna stole a bunch of fabric paint from the art closet because the teacher is obsessed with her and even gave her her own key. And then while I was telling her and Dante what happened they both offered to come help paint. And Julia just didn't want to go back home right after school")

Mickey establishes that all four of them are in good painting clothes and then leads his new train of teenagers straight to work

Maggie is watching all this go down from the kitchen like "I have two arraignments tomorrow I'm not cooking I hope you all like takeout"

all working together, they finish the rest of the painting that night. and Hayley declares those are still her favorite jeans

this was sort of. 1.5 of the three questions here? but i think i will save maggie and mickey putting furniture together for maybe actually in the fic,,,, and other than that i do have to make food now. but thank you for the inspirationnnn

[apopcornkernel]

hello,,,,,,, song rationale under the cut because im very extremely normal about them

GUSTO WITH YA by DENȲ

I know I'm independent but I think I need ya Kayang mag-isa pero mas gusto with ya (I'm fine alone but I would rather be with ya) Parang mababaliw when I don't get to see ya (I feel like I'm losing my mind when I don't get to see ya) Sanay nang 'di umasa but ang gusto is ya (I'm used to not hoping for more but what I want is ya)

i've said this countless times but im so so obsessed with how much dinahbabs depend on each other and how babs literally called dinah for a mission in one of her lowest points and especially parang mababaliw when i don't get to see ya in the context of control freak babs like oh....

Gusto ka lang makasama kahit na abot umaga (I just want to be with you even 'til the morning) 'Di mawawalan ng gana, ikaw lang ang nakikita (Can't possibly lose any eagerness, you're the only thing I see) My definition of vision, no, I ain't into submission But that can still be your mission, forgettin' all my cautions

do i have to elaborate

Sanay nang mag-isa, pero mas sasaya Kung lagi kang makakasama (I'm used to being alone, but I'll be even happier If I'm able to always be with you)

😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊 yeah.

CAPABLE OF LOVE by PINKPANTHERESS

Right now I think you're the cause of my grief And I haven't slept well for a week You are somebody that I want to keep But you said, "It's not deep," and to that answer, I weep

loser babs is something i cherish so deeply like if anything the coffee sleep deprived fanon stereotype shouldve gone to HER and not tim!!!!

i think ALL the time about the post that's like "i am so happy for you and your ugly fucking boyfriend i'm serious" AND I THINK THAT . gestures at green arrow. gestures at dc who mostly pushes dinahollie and is also too much of a coward to ever outright queer a character as big as black canary (begging dc to prove me wrong btw). gestures back at babs

It's weird how people still think it's pretend The bond between us doesn't end But they don't know the long distance we went The one that we'll put behind us Now that we're more than friends

you know all those fucking panels where either other ppl are like "wait girlfriend as in...?" or that one where one of them was like "haha stop that they'll think we're an item 😝😝😝" yeah.

I always wondered if we passed on the street And I still never asked you yet to meet But there's no other place I'd want to be Than sat here replying to someone on a screen

PRE-REVEAL DINAHBABS MY ABSOLUTE BELOVEDHSJHKJFHKHGKSKLDJFLKSD god guys you know how much of a SUCKER i am for identity shenanigans.... the proper reveal in the hunt for oracle was amazing, dont get me wrong, but it would have also been amazing to keep the identity stuff going aughhh

And I think I need a picture 'cause it's never enough To see you smilin' in my mind when I lie still in the dark It starts with you-ooh Starts with you-ooh

pre!!!!!!!!!! reveal!!!!!!!!!!! dinahbabs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't you read everything you're supposed to? (Three little words, dedicate them to me) I'm wastin' away I feel so cold (Please make them personal then say them to me) I got a confession, I've never given up (My focus is everywhere, I'm not listenin') I just need to know if you're capable of love (I got a readin' on my palm just to see)

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE CHAIN by FLEETWOOD MAC

okay honestly i don't think i have to explain this one too much because no homoerotic relationship with partners closer than life is complete without the chain by fleetwood mac

SAY I'M UR LUV by UMI

for this one it's mostly vibes but this part of the chorus is also very!!!

If you talk to me really nice, you could be the pilot, you could be the boss With my top down, city ride, where we going? I Never need to know So we could dance, you could spend the night Tell a pretty lie and I could say I'm your love

dc comics hire me i will write a birds of prey oneshot where babs is on the field with dinah for a recon mission and their cover is that they're together. and also they will almost get caught snooping but then kiss me, quick! and they can't seem to stop once they've started but then alarms blare somewhere else in the sprawling manor and they stare at each other hair mussed and lips swollen and "so." "yes." "we should go." "we should." and they pick their wits up back from the floor and save the day and get the baddies jailed and they will never ever acknowledge this moment ever again in their lifes. except maybe to take out the memory in the stillness of the night and turn it over in their hands, chest tight with everything they will never say, can never say

HURRICANE DRUNK by FLORENCE + THE MACHINE

the whole plot of this song is about getting wasted bc u saw the person ur deeply irretrievably in love with in the arms of someone else. do i have to even elaborate. i am so happy for you and your ugly fucking boyfriend im serious

VILLAINS OF CIRCUMSTANCE by QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE

I miss you now, what's come over me? We're hostages of geography The wait is long and heavy too Despite what you're accustomed to

LDR dinahbabs amen

I know life moves on, that's what scares me so Have no intentions of letting go Only us, no one in the world Only us, no one in the world

loving birds of prey additional characters of course but the original duo will forever hold a special place in my heart and in my delusional little head i think dinah and babs think of it sometimes too. in particular i think of that panel in bop #61 where babs said she was thinking of bringing helena in permanently and dinah started making objections 😶👉👈

I'd better do something, move earth and sky And patiently, sweetly, with all of my might I sing only for you, to the beat of my footsteps in the night

the beautiful thing about dinahbabs on the field is how despite the fact that babs rarely goes out herself, she's still able to rescue dinah always,,, the way she will literally call all sorts of favors just to get her out of danger,,,, it does something to me

WALK BACKWARDS by MAUDE LATOUR

I guess I'll never understand The line between our love and romance 'Cause when I look at you I Fall right into a dream Under galaxies in the middle of the city in New York So, I say thanks to an unknown force

im sorry but i dont think dinahbabs should ever be together. i need, no i REQUIRE them to be in the most horrendous situationship to ever ever exist. actually this is already canon in the bop in my head

Me and my friends do whatever we want And by friends I really only mean one in particular And that's you

i know they have lives and loved ones outside of each other but hear me out: what if they didnt

IM SORRY LMAO JFHDJDFHGKJD i'm just a hugeee sucker for those really unhealthy codependent relationships

Mmm, your hair's untied And it's only just about a quarter to nine You live east, so I walk backwards Sun's slippin' south on the west-side And we still got the rest of the night You live east, so I walk backwards babe

on twitter the artist explained this lyric as such: “In the summer I have a promise to see every sunset. But I live on the east side … and the sun sets in the west. So to get home I have to walk backwards to watch the sun slip… It’s about that perfect summer feeling”

and i think this kind of caught-breath soft summer moment is sosososo them like all the quiet longing buried under everything and everything..... and the laughter and the smiles and the setting sun warm and gentle on your face.........

I know your boyfriend's mad Watch you grabbin' my hand all day So, I just play it cool

do i even have to say it!

SYNERGY by UMI

When I move and I ain't thinking It's natural when you walk in (Yeah) Feel you, honey (Yeah)

+

Theory of relativity I feel your gravity I couldn't let myself believe I told myself to breathe

dinahbabs magnetism and unconsciously gravitating to each other in every room yep yep!!!!

COME OVER by CARLY RAE JEPSEN

'Cause you do something to my patience I can't hardly wait

hgjdhgjkjhfgjkhdjgsh hey .

Come over, come over, I'm ready to see you Whatever you're schemin', I'm already dreamin' Come over, come over and don't keep me waitin' Got nothin' on my mind but the two of us

whatever you're schemin i;m already dreamin. GOD. DINAHBABS

After hours, there's a space for you in heaven Picnic on the floor by a warm fireplace Up to now, there were tens, but you're eleven Let me show you how you fit right into place

GKDFSJGHJFHKSJHKGHDFGSLDKFGHSDLFKJHDKJFGHSDKJHKDJHDKJFHGKSJDFHJKFH i'm sorry i'm not coherent but DINAHBABS also the last 2 lines,,, i can't help but think about that side story in bop secret files where babs was literally going through and discarding female superheroes for the honey trap mission in black canary/oracle: bop until she finally settled on dinah as the perfect candidate THAT WAS FUCKING INSANE

DINNER & DIATRIBES by HOZIER

Honey, this club here is stuck up Dinner and diatribes I knew well from our first hookup The look of mischief in your eyes

oh god thinking again about that hypothetical bop comic i would write where they both go out on the field for recon and their cover is being a couple at a fancy eventkdfghdgjkghfdjgl

Your friends are a fate that befell me Hell is the talkin' type I’d suffer hell if you'd tell me What you'd do to me tonight

hey;h.,lghjglmdfhkjgsdfvb,m//gn../l

yeah.

Scarcely can speak for my thinkin' What you'd do to me tonight Now that the evenin’ is slowin’ Now that the end's in sight Honey, it’s easier knowin' What you'd do to me tonight

YEAH.

Tell me, tell me, tell your man, ah

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that is all. sorry to end with a whimper instead of a bang. also! midway throughout this post i realized i would do anything for someone to call dinah oracle's attack dog 😁

[finsterhund]

So a talk with my doctor revealed some things.

My ADHD meds are for the most part working as intended and I'm just understimulated and depressed. I need to work towards learning how to aim my brain and attention towards things efficiently. The meds aren't making me lack restraint or anything. Everything else is. Essentially the meds making me sit down and do extensive crying dog research for 12 hours is because that's what I "wanted" (consciously or not) to do. My meds aren't a miracle cure that will magically get me to sit down and work on things I have to work on they just give me the focus to work on things. Which is disappointing but I understand that. I was foolish to think otherwise tbh.

Self control as someone who's obsessive and has psychopathic mannerisms is obviously not my strong suit. We will be looking into switching my antidepressants and anti psychotics so that they mesh better with the mental ability my ADHD meds give me.

In hindsight this makes so much sense that the problem isn't the ADHD meds making me spend 12 hours a day on a special interest but is actually my brain's fault and the meds just allowed me to reach my true potential. Meds aren't going to "cure" who I am and how my brain works. So I need to train myself to have focus (Jedi time lol)

Also I was concerned because the meds were supposedly going to have the side effect of not being tired or able to sleep upon taking them but that didn't happen to me and I could still fall asleep and have depression naps so I thought the meds weren't working. But turns out that's a side effect for people without ADHD. And that having ADHD I can sleep regardless and tiredness is based on what my brain is doing. So the pharmacist shouldn't have told me that they would keep me up and alert because my ADHD, why I'm taking the meds in the first place, makes me different and immune to that. I thought the meds weren't working but now I realize otherwise.

ADHD meds causing my ADHD to not limit my other issues is something I really should have expected. I spoke to other people and they said medicating their ADHD made them have to raise doses of other stuff too. Guess I should have talked around. I was so focused on my ADHD and the meds for ADHD that I didn't factor into it that I don't just have ADHD. There's PTSD and depression and allegedly BPD and maybe autism we still don't know about that and everything else under the sun and I'm grieving and blah blah blah.

I just got worried when I was spending so much time doing internet research but the issue is that I just need to learn to not go all obsessed with everything.

Again, it is disappointing that I can't just take meds and solve all my problems because I don't think I'm able at the present time for significant self improvement because I just want to curl up and die because Cazza isn't here on most days. But whatever.

Again, hindsight is 2020 and of course if I have nothing going for my life and no motivation when I get my ADHD meds I'm going to put my newfound brain power into something stupid but important to me like ripping the internet apart looking for more crying dogs. Foolish as I was for thinking the unmedicated ADHD was the issue with me not wanting to play games or write or draw when it's the fact that my service dog is dead and my disability prevents me from leaving the house on my own making me depressed as fuck that's sapped any and all desire to do anything but research and mope.

Shit life syndrome or whatever. I just wish there was a way to fix it. Therapy again perhaps but phone psychiatrist appointments did not help. Phone therapist appointments did not help. Maybe now that covid is less an issue I can have in person again but gotta find the strength to make phone calls and shit ugh.

My doctor told me I gained weight since last we met which was upsetting to me. But again. My service dog is dead and I don't have a will to live of course I'm eating for pleasure and also can't afford healthy stuff. Once my surgery is done and I'm recovered I'm going to the gym again though. So there's that.

Still no word on that by the way. I was hoping they'd schedule me sooner rather than later.

Also the medicine that's a pain in the ass to take I have to keep taking and I'm upset about that. I have neglected it and I have no stickers in my planner book I'm so sad I'm a failure. Anyways.

Roommate "wants help with bills" again this month of course. But this time he told me today, when I get paid, so it's not being sprung on me surprise again. Still annoying as all hell. He was like "oh maybe I could pay you back with art" but motherfucker I haven't had the desire to commission art since Cazza died that's yet another thing that lost its value to me now that the love of my life is fucking gone I don't know when that'll come back either.

The things in life that gave me purpose and reason and enjoyment are all bitter grey sawdust to me now that she's gone. I wish I knew when that would stop. It's really painful. Again, going back to my ADHD meds. That's the problem. Not the meds. The meds help my ADHD be manageable they won't fix the fact that life is pain and suffering and I miss my baby girl and everything just feels futile and pointless now.

Roommate wants to do group cosplay where he's Obi-Wan and I'm Anakin but 1. I wanted to be Obi-Wan (lol) and 2. I don't have the motivation to get a cosplay together. I don't even have motivation for my ANDY COSPLAY. THAT'S MY FUCKING LIFE I LOVE THAT SHIT. MY LIFE IS ALL ABOUT BEING ANDY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. THERE WAS A TIME BEFORE CAZZA BUT THAT'S SO ALIEN TO ME AT THIS POINT!!!!!?????

But there's a convention around the time that I should be getting my surgery at the latest (just my luck it will be then) so I don't even know if I'll be able to. I'm thinking about how I didn't go to conventions last couple years because Cazza was sick and I stayed home to take care of her it feels weird and not possible that I can go to conventions now because my brain is still programmed to stay home to take care of her.

I miss her so fucking much man. I hate this.

I really related to today's episode of the Bad Batch where Omega was missing Echo but expressed that by being upset the ship got stolen. Because that's exactly how my brain works. I guess it makes sense because my brain is a literal child.

In my extensive search for the crying dog I basically went through a hundred years of sears catalogs (yeah I told you didn't I?) And it gave me such a respect for vintage stuff and a more understanding of how stuff progressed I guess.

It feels stupid to say but part of me wishes I could have been raised in the stupid 1950s American dream suburb white picket fence boy wearing a striped shirt with a bicycle nuclear family picture perfect magazine ass childhood. You know. I wish my life could have been a Rockwell painting sometimes. I should be grateful I was born in the 90s and got the internet and shit but idk I just wish I got one of those magical "good families" that only ever seemed to have existed in fiction to me. The 50s weren't a good time to be a minority and there was the looming threat of nuclear war and all that shit but the advertisement photos look so cozy. I crave that normalcy I guess. I need to understand that even a good childhood didn't resemble those superficial staged photos.

Maybe dreaming about a 50s childhood is an improvement from my desires to be a caveman. Maybe not. Who fucking knows. I think the underlying issue is that I wish I was raised being wanted and loved and with security and a sense of community. Blah blah blah.

To be honest Anakin being a whiny brat with issues and a violent underlying darkness makes more sense for me to cosplay because that's me lol.

This I realize is a massive rambling and all that shit but idk. I just know people want updates on my life to know I'm okay.

I guess I am okay. I'm getting by at least. Grieving and inflation are my biggest issues. I'm so mad the cost of living keeps going up but my disability income hasn't changed since covid started. Man fuck.

Wish I could have my own place. I want a nice little farmhouse cottage sorta shit with an upstairs bedroom with slanted ceiling and my own living room and a yard and blah blah blah.

The ADHD meds confusion is starting to be funny to me now. It absolutely lets me stay focused on what I set out to do. It's just something that wasn't responsible or advisable to have chosen in the first place.

I am going to try to force myself into focusing on actually making crying dogs. Or playing a game. I don't know what caused me to stop making the dogs this time. Working with the felt was so good maybe I had issues with the actual fabric. Who knows.

I think that's everything. I'll try to update more.

[i-need-to-touch-grassss]

Hi! Hi! I saw your master list that your writing for undertale and Cookie run so I came and rush to request at you as fast as I could !

Okay, okay, okay- can i request yandere general dream!sans and yandere general pure vanilla cookie if your cool with it ??

If your not too aim for yanderes I'm sorry if this request come as disturbing , feel free to delete friend! ;)

bro I wanna kms, I wrote 2k words or something for this and my computer glitched and deleted it. I have to rewrite all of it...

ANYWAY, bc these are 2 different fandoms, I'll write another for Pure Vanilla

This took longer to find than necessary, hope this makes up for it!

warnings: yandere behavior (I don't support behavior like this this irl)

✧ GENERAL HCS FOR Yan!Dream Sans ✧

✧ Dream is kind and caring

Even as a yandere, he is pretty level-headed

✧ he generally knows that his feelings are not healthy for both him and you

He understands that love and obsession are different, but he just can't get enough of you

✧ let's say you two were on a walk

Something or other happens and now Dream is trying to defuse the situation

stars help him if someone hurts you or your feelings...

It takes him every bit of self-control in him to not kill the person right on the spot

(He takes you to get nice cream or something after because he feels bad that you had be a part of that)

✧ he loves giving gifts 

He uses his ability to figure out your reactions to his gifts 

You like it? He’ll get more of a similar concept!

You don't like it? He makes a note to himself on his shrine of you and makes sure he doesn't mess up again

✧ likes watching you sleep / watching your dreams

It's something he just has fun doing (he also finds your dreams interesting)

Or if you have insomnia, he likes just doing something silently with you

For example, you two just sit on the couch reading a book except he can't focus on reading when you look so peaceful and unaware of the dangers that lurk like him

✧ he loves being able to just be in your presence

It's like his therapy

After a long day he wants nothing more than to bury his skull into you and have your arms wrapped around him

✧ he almost never leaves your side

When he isn't busy, he’ll accompany you anywhere you want to go! 

If he does happen to be busy, he’s already made a separate pile of important looking documents, and guilts you into helping him work

✧ both Ink and Blue are a little concerned with Dream’s behavior

But he’s the guardian of positivity, so it can't be that bad in their eyes 

They have no idea how wrong they are

✧ Dream asks Ink to make you a separate au, “for your safety” he often tells you

You don't entirely believe him, but you also have no proof he’s lying 

so, despite the churning of your stomach, and those obsessed-filled eyes of his, you comply to his wishes

the only way to fool him, is to fool yourself

ANDDD ITS DONE!! I'm so sorry it got deleted and delayed but it's here now! there was more on it originally but regrettably couldn't remember what else was written so I'm very sorry for that

ill also be getting started on the Pure Vanilla part of this ask now too! I'm gonna try and figure something out so that deletion stuff doesn't happen again!

[heljar-heimur]

ADHD and depending on opportunity they come and go.

fibre crafts are my go to hyper fixation that rotates, currently I’m obsessively cross stitching, before that it was crochet these also now semi coexist but large cross stitch has preference but I’ll crochet small stuff if I’m in class or at a conference or something. (keeping hands busy) 

I have also though a long list of crafts to learn or that I have tried and then quit. I had a polymer clay phase, I occasionally do stuff with it now if its apart of larger projects but otherwise its forgotten in crafting cabinet. I used to do a type of beading, its on a to be returned to list as a adult craft and not kids. I’m going to learn to make bobbin lace. I recently took a course in hat making, definitely something I’ll be doing more of when time but rn not doable. I taught myself needle tatting but decided I might like shuttle tatting better so that's also on hold. Sometimes when I’m meant to be doing something else I’ll grab that stuff and be like ooh I’ll do this now but usually that's procrastination.   

Other rotating ones are also often something related to something else, like randomly researching history and some specific lineage or event etc. This often comes back with me seeing some video or reading a novel that is set in that era. So I’d call them thematic ones. 

What usually does not return for me is fandom hyper fixations. I take periods where I obsessively read every fic tagged with a specific ship or tag in some fandom. Once I finish those and if I’m still obsessed with it I’ll make my selection criteria wider and go again. This might then turn into me writing for that fandom or me then never touching it again. I only return to these and some very specific “comfort” fandoms I relate to my early teens when I’m feeling stressed. Such as procrastination during finals or something.  I’ll also take sporiatic periods of eating a specific food item then either never wanting to eat it again or want it again in a few months. 

Okay I have a question so often I hear that when it comes to people who have autism or adhd ( myself included) that hyperfixations or special interests once they’re GONE they never come back but are there ever instances where an old hyperfixation returns if a memory about it is triggered ? Or are they just gone forever and never return and that’s that?

[tealenko]

Ooh I want to hear more about your Dragon Age fics/head cannons!

Sure... I feel I don't talk about them enough lol... This will be long btw.

Ermmm, let's begin.

DAO: Alistair

- First videogame character I ever obsessed with

- Married to my Human - Rogue : Melissa Cousland

- King and Queen of Ferelden, of course

- I still cannot believed I forced this sweet cinnamon roll to have sex with his worst nightmare (upss)

Headcanons:

They always say "I love you" before going back to sleep

No matter how hard DA2 and DAI tries I DO NOT CARE!! This two are not separating no matter what -> they have so little time left together, I'm not going to send her away while he stays on Ferelden

She 100% cuts his hair... even when he is king

They won't have an heir, the crown will go back to Anora once he dies

Fics: Not many... I created a lot of stuff in my mind but I don't remember most of it... I know I did the wedding, but apart from that there isn't more I can talk about.

DA2: Sebastian (?)

The oficial LI in my universe is Sebastian, but this game is the only Bioware game where there isn't a romance that really catches my attention to obsession level.

I rotate between: Sebastian, Fenris and Isabella (But I'll focus on Sebastian here)

- Still mad I could not get into his pants

-Seriously Bioware... you take the 2 most beautiful men in this game and one is celibate and the other... well... the other will have the next game section all to himself.

- Married to my Warrior: Kyla Hawke

- Prince and princess of Starkhaven (duh...)

-You better bet I'm breaking his promise to the maker in order to make an heir (double duh!)

Headcanons:

He's the only thing keeping Hawke from doing crazy stuff

My Hawke goes back to him safe and sound after DAI

They love to read together

They hardly ever argue

At the beginning she's more passionate than him... that changes with time

Fics: None, as I said I quite liked it, but not enough to make me obsess.

DAI: Cullen [1][2][3]

- BEST. BIOWARE. ROMANCE. EVER. MADE (along with shenko of course)

-Thankyouthankyouuhtjanhkyoujjashdhflasdlifihals Bioware for finally giving me the chance of having A FREAKING NORMAL OFICIAL HUMAN ROMANCE THAT ENDS SO F~ING GOOD... give me just a second to calm down please.

- Married to my Human - Mage: Sybil Trevelyan

- No matter what happens in Thedas -> They'll always be happy... I'll make sure of it.

Headcanons:

They live in Ferelden after DAI

Have a daughter: Cassandra Rutherford (Cassie)

In DAI she always goes to give him a goodbye kiss before going on a mission and whenever she comes back (...and by she I mean me lol)

If they have the chance they are ALWAYS together... like always always...

Things they like to do together: read, take long walks, cook, play chess (of course), take care of the garden... you just have to think of things a cute married old couple would do XD

It was love at first sight for both of them (and I never do this... I prefer feelings developing little by little...)

Mage situation in my universe:

Cassandra as divine

Reform of the circles

Control over the mages but not imprisoned

Some sort of merit system -> the longer you work for the circle, if you don't have incident, if you do extra work, etc -> you earn more freedom

Sybil spends a few years only being able to see Cullen at weekends, until she finally gets to go home after work every day

Fics: Way too many, I love this man with all my heart since I set eyes on him in the Ferelden circle with my first warden mage (yeah... this obsession has been here for A WHILE lol)

My inquisitor origin story -> Never got much attention from her family (because she was a woman and they wanted a man to inherit the title) only close to his uncle. Her parents cut ties with her when her powers showed for the first time, they only wrote her once to the circle to tell her the uncle died and that she should stop bothering them with letters for him.

DAI (filling voids and that kind of stuff) -> Sybil developing a lovely friendship with Dorian and Varric / She falling hard for Cullen and terrified he'll never feel something for her because she's a mage / Dorian convincing her to confess her feelings, even though he doesn't know who are they talking about / her family trying to reconnect now that she's important and she sending them to hell / a lot of additional fluff to complement the canon / and a lot of additional angst in trespasser (I mean, they are 100% sure she isn't gonna make it) / a more elaborated wedding scene / her family disowning her for marrying Cullen (and she's like: I'm not even bothered by it)

Fave fic: Dorian, Varric and Vivienne finding out she's in love with Cullen -> omg I love this one lol, the 3 of them are at Vivienne's balcony and they get to see Sybil fight with herself and hesitating (going back and forwards until she finally enters into his tower) and they see the whole declaration, Jim's interruption and their first kiss from there (and of course, they bet about the possible outcome while they are it ehehehe)

They adapting to their new life together in Ferelden

She getting along with his siblings (Not a problem except for the younger sister, but they end up being good friends at the end)

Cullen getting in touch with Dorian and Varric to give her a surprise in a time she's feeling down

Cullen works just to fill the time he's alone (they're like super rich after everything my inquisitor stole in DAI lol)... so he works in construction for almost nothing, helping rebuild what the war destroyed

They end up presenting an initiative in Ferelden to build villages near the circle for mages and their families (I'm still working in this one)

The two of them building their forever house together (aw my heart)

Sybil finding out her uncle isn't dead and meeting him again after almost 20 years

She meeting my warden and (without even telling she's the herald of Andraste) fully going into "thank you for saving the love of my life during the blight" mode.

My warden finding out who she is and fully going into "thank you for saving the grey wardens" mode.

I'll stop here... for everyone's sake, but I could keep going lol

[weabooweedwitch]

I don’t want this to come across as, like, pity because it’s not and I’m sure you don’t want that, I mean this in the normalest, friendliest, least parasocial way possible because having followed you for years and spoke to you a few times it sucks that you are in this situation and have had to repeatedly go through it: can we help you somehow? Ko fi donations, Amazon wishlist, therapy fund etc? Is there anything we could do to make things a little more bearable?

For one I just wanna say that it actually just in itself means a lot that people are wanting to help me or at least vocally reaching out because like.. this is such a big world we're living in and its so easy to feel like i dont mean shit or matter for shit or can change shit at all so its nice to know that like. I dunno.. im glad i was able to kinda find this space for myself because like i dont really have a social life and without you guys (using "you guys" as a general word for all of my online friends rn) i wouldn't have anyone else to turn to

And also I don't perceive you guys wanting to help me as pity at all and really its kind of just validation because I'm basically 24/7 doubting myself and "am I valid for x, am I valid for y" so when im having kind of a crisis and people actually say "shit bro you ok" that feels better than like. I dunno. What does mother usually say. Stuff that's meant to be supportive but is kind of just toxic positivity like "You're overreacting and don't even think about it" which, those can be valid grounding techniques but like, you usually try and soothe the initial feeling first and then tell yourself not to think about it if you're obsessing over it

So I typed up what accidentally turned into a huge paragraph but, as nice as an Amazon wishlist sounds --because it makes me feel good people like me and gifts are always nice of course-- I would feel guilty for even making that public, and, to be realistic, my rent is very cheap and the only reason I don't have a lot of savings is because I keep spending money on bullshit. I kind of need to exercise restraint and actually save money because uh like I've been working for like 2 or 3 years now and I basically still have what I started with. So. I guess TLDR is "i would feel guilty accepting gifts i can technically afford for myself and also I would feel like a total chump beggar 😔". Maybe when I learn more self kindness I'll feel less guilt accepting gifts I guess? Where i am right now, it just feels like I'm being, I dunno, manipulative

Monetary donations are kind of the same and I'm stricter on that and try not to take money unless there's some kind of emergency. I do worry about money a lot but its usually always in the "how can I support myself on my own in the future" sense. I mean, most people put away a small part of every paycheck, but my savings account actually kind of expired and got closed so I just have the one checking one and uh, it's easy for me to keep pulling out of it, you know 💀 but that circles back to "i have to personally learn how to exercise financial restraint" and also like. Let's not. Think about how all the socioeconomic policies in America aren't even remotely in my control so I should uh try and ignore that technically no job is paying enough and everyone has to have roommates or a spouse to afford anything 😅

And also. Yeah I'm ok on like therapy funds and stuff because I'm actually on state insurance, actually I'm trying to cut down my work hours to guarantee I stay in the right financial bracket so I can keep it. I was talking to a couple people last night and I might consider going to a doctor again soon but im really hesitant about it. It kinda seems like I need a more thorough evaluation from a psychiatrist and. Well.

I think my first "big goal" for right now is that I should put some money aside and. Uh. Well. Kinda quit my job for a while so I can focus on those sorts of things. I feel really bad even saying that but the fact is, the fact is, im a person with severe mental illness and depression and my current job involves random strangers constantly constantly treating me like shit and sometimes getting very verbally abusive and aggressive and sometimes just having someone suddenly approach me can be very startling? Did I ever tell you guys about the time a random older man just came up from behind me and briefly grabbed me from behind? It was ad a joke and I was on edge watching my peripheral vision for motion that entire week

So I guess to make a long story short I think I should. Focus on what I want to do in terms of medicine right now and really fight to pursue the fact I think some really important diagnoses have been missed, and to do that without a lot of stress, to have a flexible schedule to see a doctor, I think the best decision is to take off work for a while, which I think is a good idea anyways? So to do that with a clear conscience I just want to have a few months of my portion of rent and then some extra in my bank account so I won't have to stress about immediately getting back to work or getting a new job. Because that's another decision I have to make: for I want to brave the current job market and look for another job and risk the one I currently have.

Long answer is long but I have a lot of thoughts right now 💀 talking with you guys has been a huge help in of itself so thats the only payment I'll accept for right now 🥰

[dojae-huh]

Thank you for putting anons in their place. As shippers, it probably seems hypocritical but I do think there is a fine line before it crosses into fetishisation and just all sorts of umcomfortable. I'm pretty thankful the big jaedo accounts (here included) do not go into that kinda territory and focus on analysing their body language etc, and also acknowledge the delulu lol. In fact it's some of the casual stuff that fans say that are worse lol like calling jaehyun "ga*yhyunnie" or whatever names they come up with after the news of his new drama broke out. That is even more distasteful and off-putting lol

"Shipping" is an umbrella term, and "shipppers" consist of people exhibiting different behaviours and values. It is confusing.

I get "top/bottom" questions on a regular basis, I just delete them now.

It's a grey area, so everyone draws a line individually. I draw a line between "treating celebreties as humans"/"treating celebreties as objects/dolls/props".

When I make fun of Jaehyun's jealousy, I laugh at him being human. I can go as far as joke about Jaehyun wanting a collar with Doyoung's name engraved, which will be an assumption, but that assumption will be based on what could be observed. And it will be a joke regarding his obsession with his partner, not his sexual preferences. I realise the joke can be misinterpreted (BDSM/sub association), so I don't joke like this on the blog.

When shippers/BL lovers ask "who is top who is bottom?", they ask "who is the man who is the woman in the relationship?", they turn a gay relationship into a hetero relationship with assigning gender-specific roles with stereotypical behaviours and character traits. It stems from yaoi manga and seme/uke division, which was (and stays) a genre meant for women, not for gay men. Originally a female was turned into a male to escape the constraints of a patriarchal society, to be able to write "inappropriate" behaviours, portray a new kind of romance that usual manga magazines won't print.

In other words, shippers attempt to stereotype live people, give them roles, and continue to treat according to these fictional roles (I think you all saw headers on twitter "strictly Jae/Do! don't dare to write me with Do/Jae!" or comments like "I was so surprised to see Dojae added after Jaedo?" (Dojae/Jaedo Aus)).

Some try to sit on two chairs and defend their choice with "bossy bottom" narrative. As in "I see the controlling character traits, but there are too many soft traits as well". Which only reveals the same problem of assigning roles based on stereotypes. Top/bottom sexual position preference is about physical pleasure, it is not reflective of the character or outward appearence (in most cases). The honest answer for fanfic authors is "I want it this way, I like it this way, so I write my characters (inspired by real people) this way".

[boys-from-santacarla]

Note; I deeply apologize seeing as this is going to end up being long. Onto the information; My name is Ghost(mainly go by this one), Acid, Killer(more of a nickname), or Gore(more of a nickname). I go by he/they/xe/its, and I'm a dude, MLM and poly so it really doesn't matter much who it is. Born March 31st, being an Aries I'm a very loud and energetic person. I'm also very impulsive and get myself into deep shit, even if I don't realize I'm doin' it. I get overly loud when the topic is about something I enjoy or is into, if I try flirting on purpose it's ass but when I do it without realizing I get called a huge flirt. Big music and art geek, I have sketchbooks upon sketchbooks filled just sitting around in my room. I listen to a lot of rock like Queen, Guns N Roses, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, ACDC, Nickelback, KISS, Slipknot, KoRn, and on and on. Although I listen to every genre of music minus country(although there are few songs I can deal with). Big tattoo/piercing person, if you have one visible I will point it out and geek out about it. Although literally don't ask me to name a few songs unless I've been rambling on about it because I have the shittiest memory. I dye my hair so often it's surprising my hair is still healthy. I have literally bleached my hair, dyed it red and let that fade for a week, then dyed it blue and have been touching up the blue ever since then. If it wasn't due to money problems and the fact it's hard to borrow in my town my hair would probably have my hair a different color every two weeks. I ramble quite a bit and have the shittiest focus and memory, so you may have to pull me to the side and tell me to calm down. Would definitely compliment on the boys looks, specially their outfits. I'm a coffee and monster addict at this point, you'll see one or the other in my hand, and the occasional water bottle because I try to keep myself health. My love language is through touch and insulting people. Ex, "I fucking love you dumbass" or flipping you off playfully as a way of saying "i love you bitch". Smoking doesn't bother me, grew up around it my entire life. I love riding on motorcycles, no matter the weather, is it cold asf, nice idgaf, is it raining, shit lets go. I have a bad(good in some people's eyes) of using petnames/nicknames for everyone. Everyone has a wholesome petname from me and then I'll call them a whore or some shit. I cuss too much for my own good, I literally don't have a filter in my entire body. I will impulsively say shit, sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes it's a bad thing. Due to my anxiety I try to stay away from large crowds, but if I'm in them (aka on the boardwalk) I will have music blaring in my ears and my ears glued into my current sketchbook. Although I currently don't have them, I'm going to add them anyways because I'm going to end up getting them when I have the money to go to a piercer or to get a kit. I want a shit ton of piercings. Such as snake bites(lip piercing), tongue, septum, all of the piercings finished on my ears, and bridge. I've stated once I'm a big tattoo geek, so I want a quite a bit of those. I'm definitely a big "oh let's do it myself" person, and I have tried giving myself a septum piercing. (it would've worked if it wasn't for the fact I did it too low to be able to flip it up to hide it) I love the adrenaline of fights, it doesn't matter if I win or loose, although I do prefer if I win. I literally get the most random urge to fight someone for the hell of it. Probably has something to do with impulsive thoughts and shit, but oh well. I'm a big respect person, I live by the motto "you respect me, I'll respect you". I have blackouts sometimes due to rage and anxiety, so I try to keep myself from having them. I have a bad habit of rambling and saying sorry too much. I tend to repeatedly say sorry whilst rambling as I tend to get overly excited and loud when I ramble. I'm a very talkive person if I know and trust you. If you're around me and you don't get your ear talked off or messed with, you're probably not liked or

you need to leave. It's one easy way you'll be able to tell if I get along with you or not. I kinda have a whatever/punk/alt style, a lot of time I just grab something decent and throw it on. Although you'll always see me wearing a belt and my platform shoes. I'm 5'0, so my obsession with platforms grew because of my need to be tall. I wear a lot of baggy clothing, I'm definitely more of a comfort over style person.

Ok, my dude, I'll definitely pair you with...

Marko and Paul

Oh, man, you three are gonna be some threesome (and not necessarily in the sexual way lol)

Just imagine THE MESS

The boys think you're adorable when you get into the romantic mood and try to flirt but end up saying bad pick-up lines, so they'll laugh, but will twirl their hair as whoerish as possible and follow the game. Or they would get on with their manly act and fight to see who will flirt back better.

Now, the chatting will be so goddamn long! You three will go on 4 hour-long conversations that'll get from a "look at this new t-shirt I got" to "so that's why Ronald Reagan was an alien". The worst part is left to the spectators like David or Dwayne since none of you three will be the sane individual and shut y'all up.

The blondes like your drawing, and ask you to draw them or random stuff and people CONSTANTLY, so you'll have many opportunities to improve your skills and try with different models. When they happen to find some of your sketchbooks, they try to impress you or simply give a small present by drawing you or something you like, or at least make the attempt since some of the "fine pieces" as they call them, they give you are like children's school projects.

And, man, about the hair, are you blessed to have the glam diva Paul by your side to give advice and constructive criticism to your hair. He will help you choose the color and will give it style from time to time if you accept. The process to dye it will be so much fun, and so chaotic; experimenting with the pigments ends up with wounds caused from the bleach and the currently used wardrobe disposed later.

A thing they love about you is that you can stand up for yourself if needed, but they rather you not to, because they know you handle yourself and the others well, maybe too well for your good. Paul tries to take care of you as much as he can so there is no need for you to possibly get hurt. It was enough trying to control Marko so he didn't get involved in some stupid street fight every night at the boardwalk to now have to worry daily about you too. Marko shares the passion for the adrenaline of this and will think it is hot as hell, but he protects you as much as Paul, maybe a bit softer than him about it tho, but if you're in the middle of a fight and it starts to get worse than expected, he dead ass will force you to back off. He'll finish the business himself, sweetheart.

As for your love language, don't worry, these dorks will accept you playful pushes with joy, and they'll give you some of them too. But if you accidentally flip and fall some meters before hitting ground, you know the rule: laugh first, help second.

Oh, and you better get prepared for the bullying. You're the smallest in the group, so that leads to a constant attack as a hobbit. Marko joins the quip, but I mean, he'll get humiliated along. Let's just say Paul gives you two a hard time about it. With all the love of course.

They love to get out with you and the others and go to the boardwalk, but they try to take you out on days it is not that crowded, or in hours where a small amount of souls are having a stroll. But, if you happen to go out on a crowded night, they will keep you focused on having a good time, but just mention your getting uncomfortable and you'll be back at the cave in less than a minute.

Paul and Marko really love your style, they think it looks badass and try to match tough outfits with you from time to time. Giving you cool shirts and leather jackets with some patches on them that they think are awesome. Don't ask why some of the clothes have strange-colored stains on them tho.

They go with you to get you ears or nose pierced from the moment you three decided doing it diy style was a bad idea cuz y'all ended up with a bleeding nose and an ear infection the first time of trying it, and because there's no voice of reason in the threesome, Star and Dwayne had to give you kids a very long lecture of not doing those things by yourself.

[moondustaeil]

𝐫𝐞:𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐞.

↳ Ambrosia's not-so-happy life update.

trigger warning, this post includes: weight loss, food, calorie counting, disordered eating habits, suicide, insecurities, fears.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟏: 𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐭, 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐭?

As I contemplate whether I should make an earnest post look as aesthetic as possible, my eyes are tearing up to Lee Chansub's "Gone". Therefore, this chapter gets named after his lyrics.

Since when was it? It's a question that crosses my mind after deciding on the chapter name, even though I'm well aware of the number of days that have passed. Each day I write that significant number in my journal, but there must be more than the pen can write. Beyond my awareness: there must have been a certain amount of time spent on a prologue to pen down the event that ultimately led to this chapter.

Since where was it? There could be multiple meanings behind the question, but I can only formulate a limited answer despite the openness. As far as I'm in charge of this story, there is no why or where. Yes, I quite literally woke up one day and decided to go on a diet, simple as that. Before that day, dieting never crossed my mind: I never saw my body as too much or myself as too little compared to others. Can you understand now why I think a prologue was written for me and not by me?

Anyhow, let's have a look at how I think I experienced my life before the diet. Sometimes I think I don't even remember how I experienced the last moments of it, but that doesn't mean I don't know how it went. My life before the diet was pretty plain: I didn't engage in any social or physical activities and spent most of my time behind my laptop to write or lurk around on YouTube. Eating-habit-wise, I never ate much: three meals a day with occasional snacks, those snacks probably covering more calories than my meals did. Despite eating calorie-covering snacks, I would have given my all for fruit and vegetables, especially frozen fruit. Back then, I already had significant eating habits: I'd eat nuts when I was stressed, drink smoothies while studying for exams, eat sour sweets when I was bored. My body before the diet wasn't that noteworthy: I maintained the same weight for around three years and only ditched my tight jeans because covid had me feeling too lazy to wear them. A youth like this might sound boring to you, but I gladly lived my life like this and, I don't regret the way I spent it.

I can still recall up to two days before it began: I can tell the contents of those days like I was the supporting cast instead of the main character, simply because I can't remember the emotions. The two last days were spent behind my laptop, waiting for the exam results while eating spicy nuts (to keep the stress level low). When the exam results came, and I realised I passed them all, I must have felt relieved. But in my memory, I didn't and don't feel anything at all concerning my exams. And that's where it stops. I don't even know where it starts again.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟐: 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐧𝐨 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐲

It quite literally feels like I woke up with no memories of the first days of the diet: I can recall what I ate, but not what I did or felt.

On the first day, I drank a strawberry oat smoothie for breakfast. It was my first self-made smoothie which was convincingly delicious compared to the bought smoothies I used to have. That same day, I stopped eating snacks: unknowingly, I restricted them and wouldn't allow them for the months after.

That paragraph is all I remember from the first day, and if I were to write one about every day of that week, it would be less each day. Maybe those days just weren't memory-worthy enough as I don't want to search for a reason behind every single thing.

For approximately twenty-eight days after the first one, I have no recollections. The only way I can reflect on those days is by checking my calorie intake and physical activity. Though, it doesn't feel like I was the one who tracked it.

The first proper recollection I have is of a day I ate 180 calories for the first time: a number I can only wonder about now. Though it was my first time having such a low intake, it wasn't the last or lowest. The number 180 seemed to attract me as in the days that followed, 180 would be the maximum amount of calories I'd consume. Back then, I had no idea what TDEE or BMR (of any of the other terms) were, so I can't tell you what my deficit was. But I would burn around 1200 calories a day by exercising, and that should be enough to raise red flags.

From that point on, even though I was probably slowly killing myself, I felt alive. A growing obsession with food, weight loss and exercise was fueling my mind. While my body was left behind, trying to catch up with the pace. If I didn't lose more than 1 gram overnight, I'd starve myself the next day. If I felt too lazy to exercise, I'd punish myself for being lazy by doing more. My weight dropped a lot, up to the point where the scale sometimes seemed to skip numbers.

Then a parent swap came: I would be staying with my dad for two weeks. In advance, I had already figured out everything I thought I needed to know: how I would skip meals without him finding out, at what times I could exercise without him knowing, where I could throw away the food he thought I would eat. The day I packed my bag and left for his house, my plans turned into action.

The two weeks there went as smooth as I planned them to go. Even with bonuses: he worked up to three days a week and did not question it when I didn't eat. In those two weeks, I would replace kpop videos with programs I used to despise: supersize versus superskinny and mukbangs. The videos would satisfy my hunger in some way, even though they caused me to start nailbiting. I wouldn't eat: I would only watch as others fed themselves.

Since I lost the initial subject I wanted to discuss in this chapter (I'm so sorry), I shall be moving on to the next chapter.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟑: 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨? 𝐃𝐢𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐚𝐭?

It was at this point that people were starting to notice things that I hadn't. Sometimes those things were appearance-related and, other times it was personality-related or even habit-related.

It started with a compliment from my aunt, and I felt like I was glowing when she mentioned my visible jawline and thin face. Maybe I was slightly disappointed that she noticed the facial changes before my body but, at the same time, she noticed a difference!

After her, people started commenting on my body, and I worked more to achieve those comments. I saw them as comments rather than compliments: I didn't tire myself out starting from 5:20 am every day just to receive a meaningless compliment. I wanted people to take notice.

And, they did. People that directly surrounded me were starting to notice things that I failed to see. Mostly stuff that changed about my personality while my body was changing. My mother told me that I became the opposite of easy-going and friendly when others were around. My sister told me that my facial expressions had gone even further than my usual resting bitch face. My nephew said that all I would do was try to end up in arguments with others and that he didn't like being around me anymore. It hurt to have all of those things said, but at the same time, I was too in denial to care. The only thing I cared about was food, exercise and losing weight.

On rare occasions, I became aware of the person I became. Mostly when others would try to reach me by calling or coming over but I was too busy to talk to them, and if I did, I would talk about food-related things only. So, I shut everyone out.

I no longer talked to my friends daily, wouldn't reply to my parents sending me messages, didn't go on social media unless it was to look at food or triggering images.

The world consisted of me and was ruled by my obsession.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟒: 𝐈 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞

There is an unknown amount of time that settles itself between the previous chapter and this chapter. During this time, I once again feel like I'm just a supporting character: my habits develop and my obsession rules over everything I do.

Many of the things I did (which already wasn't a lot, to begin with), were based on stuff I said already. Though even more refined and obsessive.

When I closed my eyes, sleep would take me to dreams about food and weight loss. Approximately three times a night, I would open my eyes, assume it was morning and get ready for another day of exhaustion and starvation. Those nightly hours are still engraved in my mind and current habits: 12:00 am, 3:20 am, 5:28 am.

It is in this chapter that a slow awareness creeps up on me. The side effects are what wakens me when everything else consumes me: constant thoughts about food, the inability to sleep, not being able to think or focus, drifting from reality, always feeling cold, tingling headaches, not leaving the house for days unless it's for shopping (because I would look at food I couldn't eat).

"I need to stop," I told myself while I wrote in my journal how much better I would be if I lost some more weight because the scale is tempting me.

I didn't want to stop. I just wanted it to stop.

Though in reality, I had no control to stop myself or it. I had lost control long ago, and to this day, I still have no idea at which chapter I left it behind. Some days I thought of how to stop, but the exit sign was more like a full-stop as it led me to think of killing myself: it would make my family stop commenting on my condition and could give me a sense of freedom even though I would be dead.

It surely wasn't the first time I passed that exit sign in life, but it was the first time I felt determined to pass it by. All I wanted was to be able to sleep peacefully without thinking of food. *Snort*, such high standards.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟓: 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐦𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐬

Unexpectedly, a good dream did cloud over my bedroom. Even though it was simple, it's one of the dreams that I hope to keep in my memory forever. And for laughs, I'll share it.

TO1-member Donggeon was standing near my garage but, my mother's car wasn't in the driveway because she wasn't home. I was standing outside with him while he talked with Wei's Donghan (who was invisible to me). They were having a casual conversation in Korean. Then, he wanted to lean against the car that wasn't in the driveway, causing him to fall on all fours. He laughed at his stupidity and, at the same time, his ears were getting red from embarrassment.

That pretty much sums up the first not-food-related dream I had during my entire journey. And I still remember waking up at 3:20 am, laughing: it was stupid and silly but left such a big impression on me. And that's when I told myself: "I need to recover".

It sounds silly but I still, to this day, think that this dream set me off into recovery mode. Even though I felt like I had no control, I tried to take control: calculated a number of calories that I surely had to eat each day, planned Thursday to be my active rest-day, found less intense workouts to do in the morning, tried to replace the mukbangs in my watch later list by relaxing videos or recovery videos, scheduled to journal every day. Though I told myself I would do those things, it wasn't easy to put my words into action.

Yet, I fucking did it.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟔: 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐲 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧

Not going to lie: I spent all night wondering how I was going to write this and all morning putting it into proper words. Hence, the reason why I'm feeling exhausted: too exhausted to continue writing it even though the blooming period is so close. So instead of giving a lecture on recovery: I will try to give my opinion on recovering and how I'm doing these days.

Each day, I still question whether I'm truly in a recovery of something. I never went to see a professional or verbally admitted to my problems, so I never learned whether I'm recovering from something or just making progress after a downfall. I might be familiar with the use of DSM-4 and DSM-5 but, that doesn't mean I'm qualified to judge on whether I had/have a disorder or not. Yet, I opt to use the terms disordered eating and recovery until I'm sure of what it was that I went through.

Some days it feels like I was faking all of it, but then I realise, how was I faking it while I was going through it and experiencing it? Perhaps some of you reading even think I am faking all of the above, but that's your opinion. I don't need to defend myself for feeling things.

Now, I'll update you on where I'm standing today because I guess I wrote six chapters in order to get to this point. We all know I like to write more than necessary.

⋅ My disordered eating habits and calorie intake: I have made quite some progress (even if I say so myself). Each week, I challenge myself to increase my calorie intake by 100 until I reach my maintenance calories. It isn't as easy as it sounds because by the time I actually dared to increase by ten calories, the week is over, and I have to adjust my goal because I wasn't even able to reach close to where I planned to be. This week my goal is to eat 800 calories a day: a number that unexpectedly is paired with a lot of guilt and fear, so I haven't been able to eat that amount yet. The maximum I've eaten is 641 calories a day. Together with that, I also promised myself to eat one fear food or not-eaten food a week: that way, I hope to stop restricting myself and learn to enjoy them again. Some lasting habits I developed: I fear eating too early and will try to push back eating as late as I can because it gives me the feeling that I can enjoy it for longer but I do have strict hours, I cut everything into mini pieces because it gives me the feeling that I have more to nibble on and more to enjoy, I read every single nutrition label multiple times (in the store and at home) because I fear that it might include too many calories or fat, I don't eat anything that I didn't plan and nothing that I can't track calorie-wise, I eat the same thing for breakfast every day because I feel like it's the only food I can trust. The urge to skip meals or lie about them is getting smaller, but the thought always remains in the back of my mind.

⋅ My weight: I'm at a weight that is still considered healthy according to whoever feels qualified to judge. However, I fear gaining weight every single day, which stops me from eating my weekly allowance. Despite eating more than at the start of this: I still lose weight. The weight loss fuels the bad habits once more, but I try to tell myself that my weight is only to indicate whether I'm close to my maintenance calories or not.

⋅ My body: my body kept most of its side effects inside until I started to recover aside from the ones that I've stated before. Yesterday was the first day that I didn't feel cold despite wearing a shirt only, so that was a win for my body. However, I do have constant headaches, get blackouts often and, I easily feel my energy draining whenever I do a little bit too much (which I didn't always feel when I was actively doing it). That being said, my abilities have definitely decreased: you can read what kind of exercise I do in the next paragraph, but it has decreased a lot because I will feel weak sooner than before.

⋅ Exercise: I am between struggling and not struggling with it. The reason why I started to exercise was to burn more calories than I ate. But back then, I had no knowledge of BMR and whatnot. These days I do a lot less impactful exercise than I did before, but I still exercise each day: I do 96 minutes of stationary cycling a day, go on daily walks and have the obsession to take steps whenever I'm standing still. As you might be able to tell, I feel like I'm on the line of having control here.

⋅ My personality/social life/hobbies: even though I was in denial about my changing personality for a long while, I eventually realised that people were right when they said I changed. The realisation came during recovery, mostly because I noticed how I was in a better mood than when I was at my lowest point. My social life is building up slowly and doesn't always include me having to talk about my weight loss or food, though people always mention it so, I do always end up having to talk about it without wanting to. As for hobbies, I found my interest in kpop and writing again but, it's still at a somewhat moderate level. I still find myself lurking at food-related posts or triggering things, but I can control myself better and watch some positive videos instead. Aside from that, I journal every day: I write down what I ate, my physical activity, what I saw as memorable in my day, and more.

𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞

That's pretty much all for the life update. I still left out a lot that I failed to remember while writing or felt too tired to write about, and I bet not a lot of you are interested in any of this anyway. I just felt like I owed everyone an explanation of where I've been and why I haven't been reblogging much or writing.

As I've stated a few times before, I don't know yet when I will get back into writing or posting content. And the past months made me realise that it might be good for myself if I take some time away from Tumblr: I won't be able to look for triggering content, won't be able to trigger anyone else on accident and can focus on working towards my goals.

I hate the word hiatus but I think this means that I will be going on semi-hiatus. On good days, I might still come here to talk to my mutuals or reblog some kpop content that I enjoy. But other times, I probably won't respond or interact much as I'm logged out.

For now, my semi-hiatus will continue until mid to end September. This might be shortened or extended depending on my progress and my personal needs.

Have a lovely day, moonflowers! 💌