#I'm also very tired and just I feel guilty and disgusted with myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

egg-emperor · 2 years ago

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How the f*ck people can say serious stuff like this accusing you and harrass you in many ways yet they have the f*cking audacity to play being the "harmless" ones yet they do sh*t like this and worse stuff. And you said what was happening to you because you need them and everyone to know what this was doing to you and what they been doing to you, and somehow those loosers twist your words to say stupid sh*t again and again. How come someone can feel good about doing this seriously? Julian is a survivor and it's unfair how even he felt forced to reveal some bits of it and *ssholes once again makes it about them and even triggered him on purpose via many ways even whishing him horrible stuff. He's saying more stuff that he shouldn't feel forced to say yet he's telling them because of what keeps happening.

And yet they dare to judge him cruelly

How is it acceptable to threat Julian over just because they don't like his content and treat him like this?

Unlike them, he never tried to do the same and it's only posting this because like he says he's defending himself.

If there's someone egoistical is not Julian but them for doing this.

Hope the ones who were manipulated to think Julian in a bad light stop harming him and learn the true.

And for those who make it seem that he deserves all of this despite everything a big f*ck you

I'm sorry you have to deal with this Julian, only because your likings differs from theirs.

A big hug to you, you don't deserve this bad stuff and you deserve happiness, you deserve to be yourself, you deserve getting help, you deserve to feel good, you deserve not being judged, you deserve to have fun, you deserve to enjoy things and much more.

Hope things get better for you Julian! Cheers!

💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Yeah I'm feeling so sick and tired of them dragging this on and not letting me rest and move past this. I'm feeling so violated and ashamed for all the things I've felt forced to admit about myself. All because they decide to make such serious accusations all over drama over having opinions and concepts that they don't like, and lump me in with other people that they also fling baseless harmful accusations at to say I'm guilty by association too, as if that would be my fault and would immediately mean I'm compliant and supportive of such either way. They'll do anything to make me look as horrible and use as many buzzwords as they can.

They've treated me as being as bad as real people that hurt me and my real experiences just because my analysis and writing, accused me of being associated with the very kinds of people who hurt me- actual real predators that is, and now for writing about rape and threatening suicide just for being honest about how I feel which long predated this stupid drama. They accuse me of being insensitive towards survivors/people with triggers by "writing stories to trigger people" despite all my real reasonings behind them, realizing my tagging mistake and fixing it, apologizing and encouraging asking me to tag things for their comfort.

The way I'm a survivor has been intentionally disrespected by them just like they've accused me of doing so by belittling, blaming, or denying my experiences and lying about my intentions - then denying my mental struggles that were increased by it and saying I was threatening suicide. I never intentionally tried to hurt them but they're going out of their way to try to hurt me. I'm so deeply disgusted and sickened by the lengths they go. I realized they weren't going to listen and understand so I just wanted to move on but they keep dragging me into drama and making these horrible accusations publicly. They can talk shit as much as they want in private but I'm sick of them turning random people who don't even know me against me and smearing me publicly.

I also hope they'll finally leave me the fuck alone and stop talking about me, that's all I want now. I was trying to stop talking about it and move on but I'm being continuously punished and accused and smeared of the vilest things and this needs to end. All of this because of different takes and creative interests about a video game series and how they can't handle me liking or disliking things they don't because apparently being honest and voicing my thoughts on things and sharing concepts on my own blog is automatically an attack on them. These assholes need to let me get away and live my life because I have enough bullshit to deal with as is. I really hope this just all stops soon

Thank you so much for kindness and support. Hugs to you too 💜💜💜💜💜

#asks

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pbandjesse · 2 years ago

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I have a really intense head ache right now. I know it's because I'm very tired. I did a lot today and got really worn out but despite my best efforts I didn't actually take a nap and now I feel bad. I'll be okay but man. Ouch.

I also had trouble sleeping last night. I just wanted it to be morning. But I couldn't turn my brain off. I stayed up to say happy birthday to my brother at midnight. But then I couldn't fall asleep. I went and sat in the living room for a little while. And would play a puzzle game on my tablet. But would fall asleep around 230.

When o woke up at 830 I was pretty miserable. I tried to go back to sleep but it wasn't happening

I would just sort of lay there and scroll on my phone to slowly wake up. And that would work. And gave me enough energy to start getting stuff done.

I had done a pretty good job with getting everything away. So it was hard to decide where to start. I started slow. I stripped the bed and vacuumed. Made the bed nice. And then went to sort my large stuffed animals in the studio. I changed up their display. And the furby display a little. I put the couch squishmallows away and pulled out breadroll cat. Just a little change.

I would start in on the bathroom closet for the next few hours. This was very very overwhelming for me. I did not have fun for a while. The getting stuff out of the closet was hard. It's a very deep but very narrow closet and since it got sink water from the apartment above us it's kind of nasty.

So I got everything out. And I wiped things down. But I was hot and not entirely sure where to go.

I started cleaning the hammocks in the bathtub. This did not go great. They are disgusting. The soap bubbles were literally brown. I filled the tub twice before Will called James and said the apartment below us might be getting some water form the tub so I wouldn't do a third round. Well have to figure something else out I guess.

While the hammocks were soaking I started with piles. Hair stuff. Cleaning stuff. Soaps. First aid. Pharmacy. I would fill a whole trash bag. I found a lot ot expired stuff. I would have to take mini breaks to have a snack. I made some soda and munched on chips. James was teasing me for have apparently 6 bags of tortilla chips started. But I finished one today!! I don't have a problem!

I did a lot of combining. We had 4 first aid kits. Now we have two and one that is just bandaids. And I got all my hair stuff in my studio ottoman. Including hair dye and backup shampoo. I cleared out our medicine cabinet and filled a box with all fo James's things so they could decide where there things went. I tried to clean as I went. But around 1 I was exhausted and just couldn't climb on a ladder to put things away. I would assign the cleaning box, both the everyday and the backups, to James. As well as the extra towels box. They said they would when they got home and they did and I was thankful for the help, the teamwork.

I worked on the closet next. I put some stuff away I reorganized my hanging shelves. Since I wanted to keep all my shirts out. I also hung up a selection of sweaters in the studio with the jackets I'm keeping here. It will be nice to be able to see everything hanging up, which is my favorite way to store my clothes.

After I finished putting away some of the stuff I probably won't wear for a bit, I moved on to bags. I texted Annabelle a picture of the pile because I had told her about my bag collection. And it's bad. I did get rid of two but I still have so many. I chose a few to pull out and use the next week or so. I don't need to beat myself up. I'm not hurting anyone but I find so many ways to feel guilty.

I would also work on putting away shoes. I put all my "camp shoes" in one box and cleaned the shelf in the living room where I keep my daily rotation. I also moved my 4 pairs of heels into the closet with my snow boots. So much organizing.

I had so many little things in my bags, so I had to find places for that. But once that was done I would wash myself up before changing into a big Tshirt and laying down in the AC.

But I didn't sleep. I just watched videos. At least I was comfortable even if I couldn't sleep.

I got up and had a snack. Sat in the kitchen with sweetp. But soon returned to the AC

I would lay there for a long time. But before 4 I got dressed again and soon James was home. They found me on the couch. They would get the rest of the bathroom stuff put away. And I would paint my nails while they started sorting out nail polish collection. But soon enough it was time for us to go meet the Fulwilers for dinner.

We brought the figs I got for them. Anne seemed very excited. James and Tucker would actually find more on a fig tree in the alley so that was exciting. Though I was nervous about them hurting themselves.

And dinner was fun. Callie and Charlotte were there. Callie accidently knocked over a cup of soda and was very embarrassed but it was fine! No one was upset. We got it cleaned up and we had a nice dinner. My salad was a little weird but I enjoyed my sandwich. And James shared a little of the sauce from their Indian food with me.

I enjoyed hearing about their Ikea trip. And school and all that stuff. I was starting to not feel good. My head was starting to hurt real bad. But I tried very hard to still be present and engaged.

I was kind of glad when we were all done. Hugs all around. And then we walked back to the cars.

Anne and Tucker had saved some styrofoam for me for printmaking. So we took that. And then we went home.

My head was hurting a lot though and that was hard. I would lay down for a bit and tired to just rest. But eventually would go take an Epsom salt bath which helped my body andy head.

Now we are in bed and I am happy to hopefully fall asleep easier tonight. Tomorrow we have an IKEA adventure. I am looking forward to spending the day with my husband who I love so much.

I hope you all had a good day. And I want to made a special shout out to my brother who I love dearly and wish we talked more but I also just hope he knows how much I think about him. I am excited that you are 30!!

Goodnight everyone. Until next time!

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ed-recovery-affirmations · 2 years ago

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Heyyy! I am in need of some advice. So um I've been recovering since January and had my ups and downs but was doing fairly well in the grand scheme of things (no longer counting calories, began to be able to eat food made by someone else, not weighing myself nor measuring myself anymore, though I still habitually body-checked myself and had trouble drinking anything containing sugar).

But I got new medicine for ADHD about two weeks ago and one of the side-effects I'm having is complete loss of appetite and and lowered sense of hunger signals, along with stomach pain. I already messaged my psychiatrist about it, but she usually answers in 7 working days and until I hear back from her I should likely keep taking the medication. The problem is that the appetite loss has managed to trigger my eating disorder. Not only is it very hard for me to eat because everything tastes like shit and I feel like puking whenever I force myself to eat, I'm beginning to see food as disgusting and bad. I feel guilty whenever I eat anything other than a salad, it's getting hard not to weigh myself, and my head is telling me that this loss of appetite is a great opportunity to lose some weight.

I don't know how to manage until I hear back from my psychiatrist. She also doesn't know about my eating disorder, and I would prefer not to tell her, because she sees eating disorders as something only women have, and even though I've been on testosterone for 2 years now, she still doesn't believe me that I'm trans, and telling her that I have an ED would only convince her that I'm actually a woman (and unfortunately going to a different psychiatrist is not an option).

Well, first of all, congratulations on meeting all those milestones! That's a HUGE deal, especially when it sounds like you're doing it with really subpar supports in your life. Your achievements are significant!

I absolutely feel you in regards to the ADHD medication, I've been on multiple ADHD meds that absolutely screwed up my appetite and stomach in general. Everyone thinks an ADHD diagnosis is, like, a sort of weed card for their favorite recreational drugs, but when you HAVE to take them, those drugs are ROUGH.

The first thing to do, I think, is try to take a step back and address the disordered-eating thoughts. Think about all the care you invested in yourself when you started making progress. Ask yourself if you want to lose that progress and take your ED along on the healing and self-discovery journey you're on. It can be very hard to separate your symptoms from your ED, but just keep reminding yourself that that's exactly what they are - symptoms. Your lack of hunger or your stomach pain don't make the food "bad." You're having symptoms.

Perhaps you could try setting alarms reminding you to eat. You could also utilize other cues to engage intuitive eating. For example, are you shaky, tired, irritable, feeling "off"? Try using that feeling as a cue to have some food. Prep things that are easy to consume, since food consumption has become such a chore. Fruit/yogurt smoothies might be a good bet, since it's easy to get all your nutrients in and all you have to do is drink.

You mentioned that the food tastes bad to you recently. Is it a side effect of the med? That would be worth mentioning to the psychiatrist, and asking about trying a different med if your body doesn't adjust soon. But if you need to in the meantime, just eat whatever foods are tasting good to you right now, if any do. Having food that tastes good is a massive step in repairing your relationship with food and eating. Perhaps add a multivitamin to your diet if you haven't already, though, just so that your nutritional needs will be supplemented. Remember to reward yourself for managing to get down food if it tastes off. Tell yourself you did a good job sustaining your health through hard symptoms. Take the time to give yourself some appreciation!

When you do work with your psychiatrist, try communicating in terms that the psychiatrist will prioritize while subtly using gender-affirming language for yourself. For example, instead of saying that your ED is triggered, you could explain that the stomach pain is preventing you from eating enough, or that the hunger cues make it hard for you to know how much to eat to keep yourself strong. Definitely tell her about the bad taste, too. Perhaps you could ask to switch meds or go to a lower dose, if you feel that's an option for you?I'm sorry you have to do this level of work just to get the psychiatrist to work with you, but do what you need to do.

I recently had my own experience with an ADHD med adjustment doing this to me. I spent a whole day accomplishing so many tasks while completely forgetting to eat. By the end of the day I was still going strong when I realized I felt so bad, something was wrong in my nervous system, and I felt so anxious and shaky and nothing seemed to fix it. I couldn't understand it. It took forever for me to get around to making myself a snack, but when I finally ate it, my symptoms were gone within seconds. I looked back over the course of my day and went "Ohhhhh...." These meds are no joke!

#ed recovery #psychiatry #hunger cues #eating directives #food mention #long post

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artistformerlyknownasbutttrumpet · 9 months ago

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i think biden sucks shit, and that his backing of israel is morally reprehensible. i think that the wealthy ultimately have almost all of the power, and the system is corrupt and set up for us to fail. but i also know that we, as citizens, have one (1) way of making any amount of actual, tangible change, and that's voting. the people we vote in will almost definitely be pieces of shit, but again, this isn't about creating a utopia, this is about harm reduction

is my original post reductive? yeah, i'll concede to that. that's bc it came from a place of anger and fear, bc i truly fear for the livelihood/actual lives of myself and others like myself if trump were to serve a second term, and i am very tired of hearing people say that they won't vote for biden bc they can't support his actions

and part of the reason for that is bc i get it. it feels absolutely counterintuitive to vote for someone who actively supports the death of innocent people. it becomes especially difficult to vote for that person when there are so few other things we can do as individuals to stop the current atrocities from happening. we are inundated. every day we are inundated with horrors other people are going through that our country is supporting, and there is an overwhelming need to DO something, bc otherwise we're just staring at pictures of dead children and feeling guilty for not doing enough, and then feeling guilty for feeling guilty, bc our problems are not nearly as bad as what's happening to these people overseas, and how can we be so selfish, there must be something more we can do, right? but the truth is, we can boycott starbucks and click a daily button, but ultimately, we simply do not have enough power to bring a genocide to a stop on our own. and so it's very enticing to withhold a vote, bc that, at least, is something real, with real consequences. biden will feel the effects of that, and he will know it's bc of his actions in support of genocide, and that would feel like a win for us, which carries a lot of worth when we've been so powerless

here's the problem tho: it is more harmful, not just to us citizens, but internationally as well, to not vote for biden than to vote for him. trump is astronomically more dangerous of a person. he is targeting every vulnerable population you can think of, and he may very well get his way if given enough power. palestine will not be better off with trump as president. not only will they be be worse off, but now even more people's lives will be at stake as well

so if you really want to help palestine? if you want to DO something actionable that will make a difference? you have to give up your pride and vote for biden. you are NOT endorsing genocide. i think people really need to hear that. you are NOT endorsing genocide if you vote for biden. what you are doing is an act of harm reduction. people are going to get hurt one way or another, and that truth is disgusting, and some days feels fucking dystopian, but we can reduce the number of people getting hurt if we prevent trump from taking office

i don't appreciate the assumption that me making a post on tumblr when i'm upset is indicative of all i do in my personal life to advocate for change, but i also understand that it's the only image of me that you have, just as your response to my post is the only image of you that i have. for what it's worth, my assumptions about you are that, quite likely, you are a very kind person who cares about the well-being of others. why would you be upset about any of this if you weren't? i think we are, at a fundamental level, on the same side, and in that way, i can understand your point about alienation. i am just scared, friend, that's the gist of it. my country is a terrifying place to live in right now, and i'm scared about it pretty much all of the time. i am afraid for myself, sure, but i'm also afraid for every person that is at risk right now, and that is a lot of responsibility to hold in your heart at once, which i'm sure you know, because i think you're probably doing it too

i really hate that "vote for biden bc he's less worse than trump" is the reason we should vote for him, but, well, it is. trump is bad enough that yes, absolutely, we should vote for whomever is "less worse" than him. if you can't cure the addiction, you can at least provide clean needles. if you can't overthrow a fascist dystopian government, you can at least protect a few lives

the whole situation is terrible, but while i may not mean it with quite the same flippancy i delivered it with in my op, i still maintain that a vote withheld is a vote for trump. that remains true, whether we want to believe it or not

i hope things go well for you, friend. i wish you no ill, even if you wish it on me

(oh, also, general reminder to vote for congress too!)

the end ig

just letting those refusing to vote for biden this november know that donald trump thanks you for your endorsement

#us politics #american politics #a million skull emojis

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ghoulluck · 4 years ago

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🍄

#mental health talks with myself #I find posting online is very much screaming into the void #but currently I feel unmoored? I think it's probably a mania low #which I haven't experienced in a long time #I haven't cried this hard since I was 23 #periods do not help #it just fuels my dismorphia and disgust with myself #I'm also very tired and just I feel guilty and disgusted with myself #I think I'm gonna take a lovely break altogether for my mental health #at least for tonight

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sch-com · 2 years ago

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uh I realised recently that I do indeed experience splitting or something akin to it

feel free to correct me if what I'm going to describe is not really splitting because tbh I have only a vague idea of what splitting is

1. I believe that life is utterly meaningless / I believe that we can create any meaning we want to

I realise these are not necessarily contradictory, but in my brain it's either one or the other. I either feel like everything is so pointless and I might as well just go to shit so I don't care and I embrace it

OR I yearn to find meaning in something, anything, I'm begging for something to just fill this void that I have inside me

2. I want to give up and just do whatever / I want to do something with higher purpose, something valuable

Very elated to 1., just. I either am so anhedonic that I don't even want to think about doing anything else other than stuff essential for my survival (this includes work and studying btw, just that I don't choose "ambitious" fields to go in)

OR I feel so guilty and stupid for choosing what I did, and I feel like I'm "wasting my potential" doing things that are not meeting some imaginary standard in my brain

3. I strive for organisation and order / I am giving up on trying to make sense of anything

I uh am a perfectionist ok, and I feel like I'm constantly fighting entropy, fighting disorder and desperatly trying to organise everything in my life, and I am very proud of that

OR I feel so hopeless, tired, and like none of it matters (see point 1.) that I want to give up so badly and hate myself for caring so much (to the point of pathology) about organisation

4. I value human experience and life and desperately want to be kind and want the world be a better place / I hate everyone and humanity is disgusting and I wish that all of us would just die

Sorry if this one is intense...

Eh I just, my core value is minimising the harm I cause others, and I'd like to be a positive value to the world, or at least to the small portion I can influence. I also can admire our achievements and the beauty of our creation and the kindness and compassion

OR I don't care. I hate what we made of ourselves. I hate what we made of this planet, I hate what we made of what it even means to live on this plane of existence. I hate that I am a person, I feel disgusted and I can't understand why anyone else doesn't see this much ugliness in this world

#schcomtalk #splitting #personality disorder #PD #schizoid #schizoid personality disorder #spd #szpd #scpd #obsessive compulsive personality disorder #anankastic personality disorder #ocpd #schizotaxic

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mirkosintern · 4 years ago

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Crawlin’ back to you

pairing: dabi x fem!reader

genre: smut with a lil angst and fluff if you squint

notes: reader is a member of the lov, set in the meta liberation army arc (before the war!), possessive dabi, wowee this is my first work!! I never expected myself to be able to write a piece but here we are ehehe this was inspired by a certain tiktok actually. U may have already noticed but the title is from the song do I wanna know? by the arctic monkeys<3

warnings: 18+, unprotected sex, breeding, cum play, dubcon-ish?, toxic relationship, degradation, vulgar language, alcohol

word count: 3k

⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day Crawlin’ back to you Ever thought of callin’ when you've had a few? 'Cause I always do Maybe I'm too busy bein’ yours to fall for somebody new Now I've thought it through

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Dabi wasn’t one to do feelings. He’s screwed numerous women, but they were nothing more than some toys to fulfill his sexual needs. Neither did he want to have feelings, nor did he need to. Afterall, his side hoes who begged to stay with him even after all the degradation he’s given them disgusted him the most. He would snicker at their pathetic attempts and cut them off ruthlessly.

However, you were an only exception.

No, he did not have feelings for you, he swears he never did and never will. But you were different from his other disposable sluts--he kept you around. He didn’t ghost you, instead, he kept coming back. It is only because you’re a member of the lov as well, he thinks. You are easy to access since you’re always around the lov base, and he doesn’t even have to worry about getting caught by civilians or stupid bitches who suddenly decide to turn him into the police. You guys were practically co-workers with benefits, fuck buddies where the “buddies” part is questionable.

Dabi didn’t mind that he made an exception for you until that night. That very night where you sleepily decided to crawl into his arms after a rough round and whispered him how you loved the rough texture of his skin against yours. That very night where you pressed delicate kisses beneath his jaw. The moment of intimacy—making his heart pound and warmth spread beneath his cold skin—was threatening. You were threatening.

That’s where he cut you off completely. He did not knock on your bedroom door located in the lov base anymore. He stopped sending those “you up?” texts at 3am. He didn’t even lock eyes with you or talk to you anymore.

It feels as if something heavy dropped inside you, squashing your heart to the point where it’s painful. You try your best to ignore the pang in your chest and remind yourself that you guys were nothing more than co-workers with benefits. However, the enduring heartburn only functions to make you realize how attached you were to him. He’s Dabi, the biggest scumbag you will ever meet, what did you expect? What were you thinking? It should be no surprise this happened, right? But having to encounter his stupidly handsome face every day was not doing any help. You are a girl with dignity, you tell yourself, trying your best to ignore his strong scent of campfire and cologne drowning you every time you guys are in the same room.

The pain is suffocating you for weeks, and you finally decide to completely get over him. The night Dabi brings a bimbo to his room and fucks her loud enough for everyone in the lov to hear—for you to hear—you’re done with everything. You step outside, get drunk, do anything to numbify the pain the raven-haired guy has caused you, and even meet a nice-looking guy who seems to be interested in you.

You are doing good without Dabi.

You don’t need Dabi anymore.

You are not letting him get to your head.

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A party.

League of villains is all about privacy, but they also started having some fun after uniting with the meta liberation army. Now they had sufficient money, people and place to throw parties every now and then without the danger of getting caught by civilians. Afterall, a number of heroes were in their side as well.

“Not gonna lie, you guys do know how to host parties.” Keigo smirks, picking up a glass of bourbon whiskey. “It’s fuckin’ lame,” Dabi answers as he downs a glass of liquor.

“So, what happened with y/n?” Keigo throws a suggestive smile.

“The hell you mean what happened with her?” Dabi frowns.

“Y’know, didn’t you guys used to be a thing or something?”

“Nah, she was an occasional fuck and that’s it.”

“Oh really? The Dabi I know never fucks a same bitch twice though. I thought she was something special.”

“Special?”

“Yeah, thought maybe you actually wanted her.”

A smug grin appears on Dabi’s face. “Never even liked her.”

“Have you seen her and her new boyfriend?”

The smile is quick to vanish from his face after hearing the word boyfriend. Dabi’s eyes widen, immediately glaring at Keigo. Before he could say anything, Keigo tilts his chin to point something.

“There they are.”

Dabi turns his head only to find you clinging onto some guy’s arm. Your cheeks are flushed –a pretty, pink glow on your face—as you bat your eyelashes at the guy. Bubbly giggles escape from your lips while you stare at him through half-lidded eyes. The guy’s arm is secured around your waists, pulling you closer to him.

Dabi sees red.

His entire body freezes as his grip around the liquor glass tighten. Dabi doesn’t say anything for a moment, but there is no way Keigo wouldn’t pick up how his cerulean eyes are flaming at the sight. “Well, I thought you knew.” Keigo pats Dabi’s shoulder. “Wouldn’t matter anyways right? You never liked her.”

“…Right.” Dabi takes another sip from the liquor, his eyes still fixed to you.

Keigo’s words are true; at least they are supposed to be true. Dabi didn’t have feelings for you. He doesn’t do romance. No feelings were ever involved with any of the women he’s slept with, and he made sure of it. It was so clear for Dabi without a question.

But why is it unable for him to erase the sight of you with some guy as he forces himself to sleep that night? Why are your sweet giggles echoing his head? Why can’t he get rid of the thought of you in that tight, black dress that perfectly complements the curves of your body? Why is the moment where the guy places his hand on your inner thigh replaying in his head? Why are thoughts of you messing with his mind?

“Fucking hell.”

Dabi gets up. This was fucking annoying. You were truly fucking annoying.

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You tilt your head to check the glowing digits of your digital clock on the nightstand. 2:15am. It’s late, and you haven’t even taken off the dress you wore to the party. You are too tired both physically and emotionally. You’ve done quite a decent job in entertaining the man who’s accompanied you through the whole party, but it was truly an energy-consuming task. You and him walked around as if you guys were the happiest couple in the party; but the truth is that you guys aren’t even properly dating yet. Solely because you have constantly been refusing to properly answer him asking you to be his girlfriend. It’s not that he’s bad looking or anything, but the idea of being with him just doesn’t sit right with you. Ever since you’ve met him, he couldn’t keep his hands off you without asking you anything about consent. You always had to pull his hand away with an uncomfortable smile, yet he never took a hint. However, when a dating rumor about you and him started and spread quickly, you didn’t try to correct anything. Maybe it was because you wanted to pull out a reaction from a certain villain. Maybe your unusual actions at today’s party; clinging onto the guy and laughing at every single word he spoke; was to make Dabi witness how happy you were.

Truthfully, you were dying inside.

What was even worse was that none of your attempts seemed to bring an ounce of reaction from Dabi. When have you become so pathetic and desperate? You feel tears welling up in your eyes, hot and burning, but you don’t want to cry. Not for an asshole like him. You take out your phone, find the guy’s name, and text him that you don’t want to see him anymore. You feel a little guilty, thinking that you may have used him to provoke something from Dabi, but your thoughts are too worn out for you to comprehend anything. You flop onto your bed and bury your face in your pillow. You huff out a deep sigh, and the soft texture of your cotton pillow feels warm on your cheeks. In all honesty, you were thinking about Dabi the whole time you were at the party. Whenever the guy’s hand creeped up your thighs or gripped on your ass, you imagined it was Dabi’s, trying your hardest to feel something from the contact.

You weren’t over Dabi. You never were. Realization hurts, leaving a sour feeling in your mouth.

Your body shoots up at the sudden, loud slamming sound emerged from your door. Your teary eyes widen at the lean man slamming the door shut. “Dabi?” You ask, not believing your eyes. “What the hell are you doing here?” Without an answer, Dabi’s one hand reaches for your throat as his other hand grips your wrist. His large body is towering over you, and you feel your bed shift as he dips one knee in the mattress. His sapphire eyes pierce through your soul, and you can feel his raging anger just from looking at him.

“You’re such a pain in the ass, y’know that?”

“Dabi, what are you-“

He doesn’t let you finish the sentence, pulling you in for a heated kiss. Your lips open reflexively, enabling him to deepen the kiss. The kiss is aggressive, and he doesn’t know whether it is because of his anger or his pent-up desires towards you that he has been suppressing. The kiss gets sloppier over time, hot and wet with saliva and tongue. He lets go of the grip on your wrist and starts tracing your inner thigh with his thumb, and you let out a soft moan. You finally pull away from the kiss to catch your breath, but he doesn’t cease to caress your thigh. Instead, he lowers himself to your ear. “You seem to really love thigh touches, don’t you?” His low voice and hot breath brushing the shell of your ear sends chills down your spine.

“Huh?”

“I always knew you were a slut, but never knew you were this much of a whore. You would bend over any guy who offers you some touches, right?”

Tears swell in your eyes again at his vile words, but it’s hard to talk when his knuckles are repeatedly brushing your clit.

“I’m… not a slut…nngh.” Suppressed moans escape your lips.

“Yeah? Why are you making those sounds then?”

“Dabi…”

He yanks your dress up and dips two fingers inside your lace panties, making you let out a weak yelp. Dabi raises his brows with a smug grin on his face.

“Oh, so she indeed is a slut huh? You get this fucking wet from a kiss?”

His two digits start pumping inside you, and you grip on his white shirt at the sudden sensation. Your gasps and moans get louder, and you suddenly feel his wet lips against your neck. Dabi sucks hard, making sure to leave dark purple marks from your jaw to your neck and shoulder, as he repeats the step of curling his fingers and pulling them inside and out your hole. “Dabi…too fast.” You whine out. “Yeah?” A sadistic grin appears on Dabi’s face. “Be a good slut and take what I give you.” His thumb reaches for your clit, making your legs shiver.

“Nngh…stop, I’m gonna… Dabi I’m gonna cum.”

“Stop? You want me to stop?”

“No!”

“Do you deserve it though?” he slows his pace while teasing your clit. “Beg.”

It’s humiliating, really—but do you have any other choice when you are this close?

“Please, Dabi… I’ll be your good slut. Please let me cum!” Your desperate cries have him pumping his fingers fast again, and soon you’re seeing white. Hot drops of release coat Dabi’s fingers as he pulls out.

“Say ah.”

“A-ah.”

You obey, and Dabi sticks his digits inside your mouth. Your mouth wraps around them immediately, sucking as if it’s a pacifier. “Good girl,” Dabi says as he pats your head, and it makes your stomach swoop with sick pride.

The bulge in his pants is becoming painful, and he contemplates on fucking your mouth. But he’s too impatient; He feels the need to abuse your cunt right now. He wants to hear your screams and cries as he proves who you belong to.

“Take that off.” Dabi gestures at your dress, and you start undressing as he demands. Dabi pulls down his sweatpants and boxers, causing his cock to spring out. It’s so pretty, you think, and you can’t help but admire his red tip, glistening with precum. He pumps his length a few times and lines it up with your entrance. You inhale a sharp gasp as you feel his whole length inside you. It feels so full; it feels as if he’s gonna split you in half if he starts moving.

“Ah, too big.”

“I know.” Dabi looks down on you. “Take it like a little slut you are.”

Before you could even talk back, he is moving inside you. Your moans blend with the noise of the bed creaking; a perfectly harmonized orchestra to Dabi’s ears.

You knew Dabi wasn’t one to prep you or go slow, but you feel like he’s going way rougher than usual. His wild thrusts have your head lolling backwards, and Dabi does not miss the chance to take a hard bite on your neck. You scream out of both pain and pleasure, and you feel two hot streams of tears on your flushed cheeks.

“Aww, she’s crying.” Dabi says in a mocking tone. “Bet you love the pain.”

Humiliation fills your chest and you turn your head away, but Dabi quickly grabs your chin with one hand, forcing you to directly face him.

“Who’s the one making you feel this full?” he asks.

“Y-you.”

“Did he ever make you feel this way?”

Wait, he? Who does he mean by he? Your alleged boyfriend? Could it be possible that Dabi was doing this out of jealousy? You try to comprehend, but it’s impossible for you to think clearly, not when Dabi is fucking you stupid. “No!” You shout.

Dabi’s free hand reaches for your clit and starts rubbing circles. “Tell me, who does this pussy belong to?”

“You…” You try to answer, but he suddenly lifts up your lower body and slams into your cervix in the right angle. It has you moaning even louder, your insides spasming around his cock.

“I can’t hear you.” He smirks sadistically.

“You, Dabi, it belongs to you! I belong to you!” You’re screaming his name like it’s the only word you know, making his cock twitch. “That’s right. You are all for me, all for me to use. Just a pathetic little slut for my cock.” A satisfactory grin appears on Dabi’s face.

Dabi lowers his body down and grunts directly into your ear as he thrusts even faster. The sound of his skin slamming into yours is so erotic, and you can feel how close you are.

“You wanna cum huh?” His words have you nodding frantically, babbling incoherent words. Yes Dabi��wanna cum so bad—wanna be yours—wanna be your good girl—please, dabi.

“Then do it. Make a mess on my cock.”

“Nngh, Dabi!” You scream out his name as euphoria washes down your body. His release follows you soon enough, painting your walls white. You feel warmth filling your belly while his groans echo in your ear. You’re still sobbing and panting after he pulls out, without any energy left to move. As your blurry vision starts getting clearer, you feel his warm skin and the sting of his cold staples against your back. His long arms wrap around your oversensitive body, pulling you closer to him.

“You’re messing with my head.” Dabi rests his forehead on the back of your shoulder.

“Huh?”

You’re confused, but Dabi doesn’t elaborate. His ego doesn’t let him do such thing.

“When you said you belonged to me, did you mean it?”

You bite your lower lip, not knowing how to respond to his sudden question. Millions of unspoken words and feelings are hanging in the back of your throat, creating a huge lump. You swallow them all and spit out a question instead. “Do you want me to belong to you?”

“Yeah.” Your eyes widen at his unexpected response, butterflies fluttering inside your chest. “Be mine.” His low voice vibrates against your soft skin. Your heart melts at his words, and you cannot stop your feelings from overspilling anymore. At that moment you both realize; you and Dabi were meant to crawl back to each other, no matter how hard you both try and struggle.

“I’m yours.” You smile, “I’m all yours.”

#dabi x reader #dabi x y/n #dabi smut #bnha x reader #bnha smut #mha x reader #bnha x y/n #touya x reader #touya x y/n #todoroki touya x reader #dabi #todoroki touya #dabi lemon #bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #dabi fanfic #dabi fic

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spikyshores · 2 years ago

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ok, so this is my art blog, and several people followed me after i posted a few madness combat jokes, and i feel bad right now because madness was my special interest for like a year and a half and i feel like i very suddenly just stopped being able to get happiness out of it a few days ago. tl;dr my special interest is likely dying or at least i can't tolerate the feeling of obligation to draw it and i feel guilty for attracting people to this blog expecting that only for me to likely abruptly stop posting about it, so if anyone wants to unfollow over that i understand and won't be offended. sorry. also sorry to everyone who followed me from the start and has to deal with me making tons of fanart for stuff you don't care about whenever i get a new interest. i know it's not actually a big deal but it simply feels that way because i am autistic. thanks.

like i realized i was putting all this energy into caring and basically pathetically simping and getting emotional about missing the premier and then my body just rejected it. i was like why am i suffering so much, why am i doing this? and some part of me i guess got disgusted with myself and decided to just run away. obviously it's actually my mind that rejected it but i'm using the "body" language because that's the way it felt, like just an overwhelming reaction. and i'm actually pretty upset about it because i was pretty deeply emotionally attached and still am and yet my body is rejecting it because i used everything it had to give me up and/or feel trapped or something. really hard to explain. it's also about my feelings of throwing my life away not making good enough original art and not respecting myself enough as an artist to seek out original self expression etc.

i think maybe what happened overall was i committed myself to this one interest for a long time because i was attached and really didn't want to let go even though i should've let go before and then my brain suddenly forced me to stop and also i'm still attached and there's a chance i'll get re-interested but then this will just happen again and it will be a cycle of pain which coincides with the previously-unrelated-but-now-related mood swings i've been having for the past few months. another thing was that i worked hard to reclaim it as an interest over the course of this year because someone kind of involved it in abusing me (that wasn't the main factor, it just became involved because it was my special interest during the relationship and then was used to hurt me at one point) and i had to retrain myself to not associate it with that and this made me more attached as well.

i still haven't watched the live action trailer yet because i like felt pressure to be emotional about it and i'm like not up to making myself get emotional and/or failing to get emotional when i should. like i was excited about it and now it's been out for days and i haven't even watched it because it will hurt. i hope i get truly re-interested in a while, years or something, and then get to watch it and really enjoy it, but i'm scared that, since this happened, i will never be able to enjoy it again??

i hate that the nature of my brain is to love things really hard and then inevitably get tired of them and all that emotion is like... like it was never there and was always meaningless and just a dopamine factory. i know it wasn't meaningless but like i feel committed to things as if they were people and eventually i start to go crazy from feeling trapped due to doing this to myself but it's like i'm incapable of just having a bunch of casual interests and instead one has to become my whole personality for an extended time. god if you're out there i would recommend nerfing autism/ocd combo. awesome to be a person who by nature wants to do the same thing forever but also is extremely sensitive to feelings of being trapped and also can't stand the uncertainty of knowing if losing something will be permanent 😎 <- imagine that is the carter amelia davis version of that emoji

but yeah i really love madness but i like can't keep performing interest anymore or i will go insane. i need the amount of interest that exists naturally to be my only reason for caring and to feel safe with the possibility of that amount dwindling to nothing.

#like i'm not really sure what's going on because i still really like madness and my moods are so fleeting this could all be reversed in #like 2 days #but i feel like maybe i would like to enjoy it in private because the abstract feeling of people watching and expecting things of me is #like drilling a hole in my brain #and i know i don't owe anyone anything and people don't necessarily actually expect anything of me but the feeling is still there #sorry for talking for SO FUCKING LONG btw #no obligation to read it though #don't know if i want to post much art at all either for a while because the feeling of being watched and scrutinized damages my #original art process too #just hate performing in front of the world suddenly

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anisstories · 4 years ago

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I Don't Want This

Chapter 6

The Next Morning

When Y/N awoke in the morning, she panicked, she didn’t know this room, and then she turned around. There was Anakin asleep, the sun shining on his face. His hair seemed to become even more golden. Y/N still felt tipsy. She looked at the foot of the bed and there were her clothes. It was 5 in the morning and no sound was heard. I doubt anyone’s awake, I’ll change, leave a note, and get a cab to the company. Shit, how strong is a Flameout? I'm falling back into a drunken state. Before that could happen she stood up, put her clothes on, went to Anakin’s desk grabbed a post-it, and started to right:

Hey Anakin,

I didn’t want to wake you up. Thanks for letting me crash here last night. Sorry for being such a bother. I promise I will never drink when you're around.

Next time I see you we'll be "happily married".

Warm Regards,

Y/N

Heiress to the Aridam Empire XD.

Anakin awoke to the sound of shuffling in his room. He turned around and saw Y/N writing something on a sticky note. The events of last night came to his mind. WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE? I should have kicked her out yesterday. She'll pay at this moment. Anakin got out of bed and stalked over to her. Y/N turned around only to be met with Anakin's bare chest. His pectorals glistened in the sunlight. "Hey, sorry I didn't mean to wake you. I was just about to leave. Sorry for-" "Last night I brought you into my home and you know who saw? Padmé. You already ruined my relationship. So you're going to stay here and we're going to be caught sleeping together. I don't care if your dignity is at stake." Anakin said as he pushed Y/N onto the bed. "Strip" Anakin said his voice and face were void of emotion. "w-what do you m-mean strip?" "Strip. Don't make me repeat myself." She felt a weight next to her. "I don't want to touch your disgusting body. So strip and go back to sleep. If you don’t I’m going to have to strip you myself, and you won’t like that." Y/N felt so embarrassed but she started stripping, fearing what Anakin would do if she disobeyed. She hesitated when she reached her panties. "Keep your underwear on." He opened the comforter for her. She stepped in, her back facing his chest, and felt Anakin's arms wrap around her bare waist. She felt so vulnerable in only her bra and panties. She knew that if someone walked in she would face the biggest embarrassment of her life. She started to squirm, to get away. But his grip tightened. "I said go to sleep," he growled. Anakin wasn't human anymore. He had gone feral. The love of his life was probably lost and all because of this stupid girl that laid next to him.

There was no going through to him. He roughly turned Y/N around. "Stop squirming. You said you'd follow my lead, so do it." He pulled her closer. Y/N started hitting his chest, muttering I hate you. Anakin grabbed her wrists. "Stop" his voice an octave lower. Y/N stopped. I hate you too, Y/N. Once we get married, I'll make your life a living hell. Anakin started to rub her back. Trying to get her to sleep. He wanted this to seem natural. He finally heard light snoring from Y/N. He went to grab his phone but feared the messages he would find there. He placed it back and started playing with Y/N's hair to help him fall asleep.

At 7 there was a knock at his door. Y/N jolted but Anakin held her tighter. He pulled the comforter low enough to reveal his bare chest and Y/N's bra. Then he heard Owen's voice "If I don't hear shuffling in 1 second I'm coming in." Of course it had to be this asshole. He grabbed Y/N's chin and started nuzzling into her neck. This caused Y/N to start whimpering. "You’re a piece of shit, you know that?" she said as she tried to push him away. “So I’ve heard” he mumbled. Anakin got tired of getting pushed away, so he flipped them over. He was hovering above her. Y/N’s arms got tired so he just pulled them to her side. This caused the comforter to fall off the bed. Owen walked in to see Anakin on top of Y/N. "Oh Maker. Fuck. Oh shit, I'm so sorry." Owen stuttered. "Can you stop staring at MY girl?" Anakin growled. "I wasn't staring at her. I was staring at you. Are you that insatiable?" Owen started laughing. "What do you - " and Anakin groans. Y/N accidentally brushed her leg against Anakin's groin and he felt a strong surge of pleasure coarse through his body. Shit, I was supposed to be mad. Not get turned on. "USE PROTECTION KIDS '' Owen closed the door and Anakin’s alarm clock hit it. He could hear Owen's laughter down the hall.

Y/N looked at Anakin’s sweatpants. There was a large bulge in them. When I brushed against it, his face contorted, I think it was out of pain. Y/N started brushing her knee against it. Anakin's eyes nearly popped out of his socket. "Mm..stop." Anakin was becoming less mad. Fuck this is bad... "No, this is payback for this morning." Y/N started brushing faster and harder. "Y-Y/N, h-hold o-o-oh Fuck!" Anakin spit. He fell on top of her chest. Y/N would've been mad. But when he fell onto her chest she had better access to that spot. Anakin started thrusting his hips into her knee. Y/N's name falling out of his lips. At this moment Y/N realized he hadn't groaned out of pain, he had groaned out of pleasure. So she pulled her knee away. Anakin's hips thrust into the air. Y/N heard Anakin moan out in pain. "Y-you, you’re a bitch" he growled. “Says the guy who forced me to strip.” She tried to get up only to fail, as Anakin had a death grip on her waist. "Hey let go," Y/N grumbled. Anakin refused. His breathing was labored and his forehead had a layer of sweat. "It hurts. Give me a fucking second!” he yelled. Y/N rolled her eyes, muttered I hope you die of pain and reached for her phone, or that’s what she thought at least. When she opened “her” phone she saw a bunch of messages.

Anakin I can’t believe you did that.

I fucking knew it. You’re a piece of shit.

I hope you get thrown into a ditch.

I can’t believe you got with my best friend.

I hope you both die.

We are done.

Don’t look or try to talk to me.

Y/N dropped the cellphone. It fell on Anakin’s head. “I’m already in pain and you dropped a cellphone on my head. I fucking hate you.” as he looked up he saw Y/N looking at him with guilty eyes. “I thought that was my phone and I read the messages Padme sent you. I’m sorry I fucked up your relationship,” she mumbled. “What do they say?” he asked, his tone cold and detached. Y/N started to read aloud the messages and Anakin felt his heart crack piece by piece. “Oh well, it was bound to happen,” he felt a sharp sting on his cheek. “How can you say that? I mean you have her as LOML on your contacts. You said you were gonna get us out of it and suddenly you're okay with getting married to me?” she said. “You don’t even feel a tiny bit sad. Don’t you want to scream or cry? If that was me I'd be very outraged." Y/N looked out the window. "Can you be logical? You think we were going to convince our parents. That was a false hope Y/N. They were gonna force us to get married. Padme isn't the type to share her boyfriend so its end was inevitable anyway." Anakin grumbled. I can't make her life miserable. She is suffering just as much as I am. I mean Y/N's here saying sorry for ruining my relationship. And it wasn't even her fault. I should be the one on my knees begging for forgiveness. I forced her to strip. Anakin got up and knelt before her. "Huh?! Anakin what are you doing?" She asked as she sat up. "I'm sorry. I was just so mad and so sad that I had lost Padme. I lost all human decency and forced you to strip. I'm sorry. I know that's not enough but I'm afraid that's all I have." Anakin's voice cracked. He was so ashamed of what he'd done.

Y/N felt bad. She knew he had done those things out of rage, but it doesn’t mean they didn’t hurt her. She reached for his arm and pulled him up. “It’s okay, I know you did them out of rage.” Anakin’s face lit up, he was so happy he could hug her, as he was about to, she opened her mouth. “But, can I ask you for a favor?” She asked. Anakin blankly looked at her. She panicked and spoke up “I’m sorry, never mind, I just-” “Hey, I didn’t even answer. What is your request?” Anakin grabbed onto her shoulders. “I was wondering if you could convince my father to let me finish my Master's?” She asked while looking at her lap. “I don't know if I could convince your Father” Y/N’s eyes started to get sad, “But I can convince my father to pay your college tuition and you can go secretly.” Y/N jumped up and into Anakin’s arms. He lost his balance so before he fell he pushed himself onto the bed. His cheek falling against her lips. “Oh damn, I smeared your lipstick.” “It’s fine.” Y/N started to giggle. “Thank you, Anakin,” she smiled so brightly and softly, but she was also crying, his heart fluttering. “Yea, no problem.” Anakin's voice sounded wistful, but Y/N didn’t hear it, she was too busy swimming in his clear blue eyes. “I never noticed,” Y/N whispered. Anakin hummed, asking her to continue. “Your eyes, they look like a lake.” she giggled. “They are pretty. If you looked up at the sun, your eyes would probably glitter like a real lake.” Anakin felt so flustered. No one ever complimented his eyes. Well, they had, but not in the way Y/N had. It was always nice eyes. You probably get all the chick with those eyes. “Thank you, your eyes are pretty too.” “Your E/C eyes lit up. “They get all bright and shimmery when you're excited about something. They get dull when you’re sad or frustrated. When you get embarrassed they glitter more than they’re supposed to.” Anakin started leaning in. The moment was shattered when they heard a commotion downstairs.

Taglist

@songbirdcannabe

@blondekel77

Note:

My summer classes have started so I will begin to post on Mondays. Thank you for understanding.

#anakin x padme #anakin x reader #anakin skywalker smut #captain rex #stawars #anakin fluff #anakin angst #new fanfic #anakin imagine #anakin skywalker #obi wan #obi wan kenobi #ahsoka #star wars ahsoka

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multi--kpop--fanfics · 4 years ago

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There’s Blood On The Crown

prince!Xiaojun x queen!reader

genre: angst, horror, royalty!AU

warnings: heavy dark themes (blood, major character death, betrayal)

Part of THE CROWN - a collab call by @earth-to-that-asian

Word count: ~1.7k

Author’s note: The fic was beta read by @jaemotel and @intokook , who also made the header (thanxx bby💕). Inspired by the song Intro: Crown by Purple Kiss

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you say,

What if I ruled the world?

“Now, you may rise, Your Majesty, Queen Y/N”, the priest announces and you rise from your knees, the diamond crown resting proud but heavy on your head. You walk towards the balcony of the castle and look down, where the rest of the civilians awaited for you. You were their Queen now, the one who would guide them through thick and thin, especially after your beloved husband’s death, the late King Kun.

“All hail the Queen!”, the crowd chants as you raise your hand and wave, the beaming smile on your face acting as a facade, masking your true feelings - uncertainty, sorrow and most importantly, fear.

Fear, because you trusted no one in the council. They never liked you in the first place, not only because you were the late King’s wife, but because you were also a very skilled fighter, one of your most valuable assets, hence why you were the Grand General of your kingdom before getting married to Kun.

These weasels hated seeing a woman in power, simply because they wanted that power for themselves. But none of them had the guts to step up and claim the crown. They only knew how to scheme, bribe and conduct murders without ever getting blood on their hands.

There was only one person you could trust, the only one who truly recognized your strength and dedication to the crown - Prince Xiaojun, Kun’s brother and your brother-in-law. He was the only one who welcomed you with a warm smile and would always be respectful towards you. Everyone in the kingdom knew of his gentle nature and the civilians were always delighted to see the two of you take walks through the town. He treated you like family. And family is always there for you, just like Xiaojun today. You turn your head back and smile at him, an equal smile spreading across his handsome face. However, by the time you have turned your head back, his smile is instantly replaced by a clenched jaw and a stern gaze, burning with hatred and jealousy.

Nobody knows

It means nothing to me

Xiaojun enters the throne room, fully-armored, his sword sheathed on his back and his hunting knives strapped on his sides. You were seated in the throne, your white cape falling gracefully around you, the diamond crown and your silver chest armor shining from the sunlight that is creeping through the colored glass windows. Your image is a sheer contrast to Xiaojun’s, his armor being pitch-black, almost resembling an angel of Death.

“Ah, Xiaojun, what a delight to see you!” you state, smiling to him. “I haven’t seen you wear this armor in a long time. May I ask what’s the occasion?” you ask with curiosity. “I have decided to go hunting” he replies nonchalantly and you smile even wider, unaware of the true meaning behind his words. “That’s wonderful! Perhaps I could join you? I’ve been dying to leave the castle gates and get my blood boiling through some action” you slightly pout, albeitly tired from sitting around and letting your armor and sword get rusty.

He chuckles at your reaction and he unsheathes one of the daggers from his arm and traces his finger along the edge of the blade. “I will not have to leave the castle to go hunting… In fact, my prey is right in this very castle” he states and takes slow yet steady steps towards your direction. “I-I don’t think I follow..” you stutter, fear starting to take over your senses. “What I am trying to say, dear Y/N, is that my true prey is not just within this castle - It’s right in front of me”. The realization then hits you.

It’s invisible but you know it’s mine

So where do you see yourself?

“You want the throne?”, you ask in shock, not wanting to believe that the one person you trusted ever since you stepped your foot in the castle was the one who wanted your fall. “I don’t want just the throne. I want the power that comes along with it”, Xiaojun admits, his ominous gaze fixated on you. The imminent danger awakes you and you yell with all your power towards the throne door.

“GUARDS!” and within seconds, your two strongest guards barge through the throne room, clad in heavy armor. “Prince Xiaojun has attempted murder against the Queen and is hereby guilty of commiting betrayal to the Crown. Seize him at once!” you yell and the guards point their weapons towards Xiaojun, who has seemingly raised his arms in surrender. “The accusations Her Majesty has made against me are completely false!”, he bites back, “Besides, I haven’t attempted murder..”, he adds and silently pulls out another dagger from his sleeve, “..Yet”.

In a split second, he throws the daggers towards the guards and he hits them both in the blind spot of their armor, their cloth-covered necks, the sharp blades of the dagger cutting through the flesh. The guards are now flat on the marble floor, their lives slowly slipping away from their bodies that lay in blood. After recovering his daggers from the dead bodies, Xiaojun hears the familiar sound of a blade being unsheathed. He turns to you and he sees you holding your sword, your cape discarded on the floor, standing a few meters away from him.

“Finally, the queen has stepped down from her throne!” he spits, his voice dripping venom. "The Queen has a crown and she will do everything to protect it. Even if it means killing the prince", you prepare yourself and get into a fighting stance. "How ironic, to share the same goal at a moment like this", Xiaojun points out and unsheathes the sword from his back, "It's a shame you won't be alive to witness my success".

I am running for the crown

I keep breathing when you drown

You charge at Xiaojun with full speed, your sword in a secure hold. He throws a dagger at you to cut off your advance, but you duck down in the last second and you avoid it, closing the distance between you in the meantime. You fling your sword upwards, in an attempt to cut through his waist armor, but he is fast enough to parry your attack with his own sword. "You're fast, I'll give you that. But not fast enough", he mocks and pulls another dagger from his thigh, landing a deep cut on your forearm, making you cry out in pain.

The blood is staining your pristine blouse, but you don't care - you only want to stay alive in order to defeat Xiaojun. You kick his knee with full force and he groans, falling on his knees. "You know better than underestimating my skills, Xiaojun", you hatefully spit back and get up. You switch your blade to your intact arm and swing it towards his face, but he raises his arm and catches the blade mid-air. "I don't - I'm just reminding you how inferior your skills are compared to mine" he replies and holds the blade still, his fist now bleeding from the sharp edge. "You haven't even landed a proper cut on me, yet your arm is still bleeding from a mere dagger", he continues and stands on his feet, twisting his arm and the blade as well.

You grit your teeth as you fight back the pain from your own arm being twisted and you lift your leg to kick him in the face, but alas, he's fast enough to swing his sword again and land another cut on you, this time on your leg. You feel the muscle joints being ripped apart and you scream once again, the blood gushing from the fresh wound. Xiaojun takes advantage of your vulnerable state and pulls the sword out of your grasp and throws it at the other side of the throne room. He then kicks you on the chest and you fall flat on your back, the diamond crown falling from your head. You try to stand your ground, but Xiaojun immobilizes you with his own body.

"It's truly a pity, Y/N. We could have been the most powerful and loved royals in the world… But you just had to fall in love with the fool of my late brother, didn't you?", he asks and caresses your cheek, the pretentious affection making you scrunch your face with disgust. "You will never be like Kun, you monster" you grit your teeth with anger, "Do you know why? Because he was always faithful to the people. Because the people are the true crown-"

You never get to finish your sentence, as a dagger is piercing your throat, ridding you incapable of breathing. The stream of blood starts pooling around your spasming body, staining the marble floor, your clothes and the diamond crown that lays next to your head.

I believe myself no doubt

Xiaojun watches your last moments with a blank expression on his face, still on top of you. "Ironic, isn't it? The King and his Queen, dying by the same hand, clad in the same armor. Truly, the most perfect of tragic endings". You are unable to answer, the last of his words dealing the finishing blow to your form. You have stopped moving and a single tear falls from his face. "Even in death, you are still the most beautiful woman I've seen in my whole life, Y/N" he whispers and leans in to kiss your now lifeless lips. "Worry not, my love, you may meet your beloved husband now. The crown is in good hands".

He stands up and takes the blood-stained crown in his hands. He places it on top of his head, the blood dripping on his soft blonde locks. He slowly walks towards the throne, the edge of his sword scraping the marble floor and creating a line from the blood on it - your blood. He looks at the painting that rests above the throne, a painting of you and King Kun smiling fondly, wearing the same crown that now rests on Xiaojun's head.

"You know, both of you were wrong. I never betrayed the crown. In fact, I was the only one who did everything to protect it", he speaks as he sits down on the throne, "And I succeeded, my beloved family. All thanks to you. You may now rest in peace", Xiaojun says with a soft smile on his face, making him look like an angel.

An angel of Death.

My Lord

How come I never lost my faith?

#xiaojun angst #wayv xiaojun #xiao dejun #royalty au #wayv angst #horror #the crown: a collab call #wayv fanfics

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traumatizeddfox · 3 years ago

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Hey there fox. I know I can come here without judgement...I'm really greatful to have found your blog recently. I'm definitely going to follow. Much love to you and to everyone in this community. So, here is my much needed vent....I wonder if anyone can relate to this. So, i've been so overly attached to people that I had an angry outburst recently because they weren't doing activities with me. I feel like a complete monster. I am so ashamed of my actions but my loneliness and the fact that I haven't reached my dreams or a happy full life yet really made me snap. My mental illness symptoms aren't things that make people feel sad for me. They are symptoms that make people angry and disgusted with me. They are also infrequent, unpredictable and embrassing. My symptoms make me utterly uncontrollably desperate for love and desperate to have companionship and have some good times. Like friend groups in movies. I get heartbroken when people say "sorry I'm busy" and "I'm too tired" for things that would actually be really fun and exciting in my life. I'm so lonely that it feels like my heart is being ripped out. All my favourite special interest activities nobody ever wants to go with me to. Then I try to do them on my own and things go wrong. Today I went to try snorkelling for the first time since I was a kid and the snorkel had a HUGE unfixable leak so I couldn't use it and it fogged right up and the ocean was too rough and impossible to snorkel in. I had travelled 2 hours to get there and had been planning it for months and months. I wanted to just scream on the beach. I actually made a bit of a frustrated noise which was embarassing. I was at my breaking point and wanted to give up on trying to be happy and have fun. It's just been heartbreaking trying to build a happy life for myself. And everyone thinks I'm an absolute monster right now..I feel very misunderstood but also very guilty. I don't like my anger. I am just lonely and in pain and can't control myself, like a hurt child. I've calmed down a bit now but I'm still feeling like a monster. I really am the bad guy right now and I know everyone is gossiping about me. I have such desperation to live a full, exciting, varied life. But none of my dreams of adventure are coming true 💔 I want to be a better person and stop my anger outbursts :(

i am so sorry, i relate with this. i get very angry and i have outbursts, and its not always pretty but just remember ur still loveable even if ur mental illness isnt "pretty". anger is very hard to deal with it but it will be okay! are u able to go to therapy? i find therapy helps alot with anger

#anon

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makeste · 5 years ago

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I was originally going to send this message declaring my undying love for your metas and chapter reviews aND THEN - AND THEN MAKESTE - I READ THE ANSWER WHERE YOU SAID YOU WERE ARO AND THAT MAKES ME SOOOOO HAPPY. I'm aroace and it is SO FRUSTRATING to want to consume platonic or familial interaction between people and CONSTANTLY only get romantic or sexual. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING YOU CONTRIBUTE

woooo up top! solidarity lol.

for me it’s like... I don’t know if “frustrating” is the word I would use, but I do wish there was more gen out there. and that’s also something I’ve felt awkward about wanting in the past, because my early fandom years took place in a time where slash was much less of an everyday commonplace thing than it is now, and liking it was still a fairly controversial thing. the internet was a much more openly homophobic place than it is now. like, picture the purity police of modern day tumblr, but if they attacked any kind of non-heterosexual relationship as being sick and perverted and wrong. that was pretty much the general vibe. this was before AO3, and people who wrote slash often didn’t post it on ff.net and only posted it to their own private blogs and/or locked and moderated communities instead just so they wouldn’t be harassed. and there was absolutely no canon representation out there at all, or next to none. it was very much a “[rolls eyes] oh the yaoi fangirls are at it again” sort of thing where non-cishet relationships in fiction and fanfiction were at best not taken seriously at all, and at worst were treated with outright scorn and disgust.

and so like, with this being a common attitude at the time, I felt guilty for not always wanting to read slash myself. like, I don’t mind reading about romantic relationships at all, but for me there also has to be some other kind of element in play as well, or else it’s just not going to click for me. if a fic is just romance, just a lot of pining and slow burn stuff without anything else really going on in the plot, I just get bored and disinterested. I almost want to use the word tired, even though I’m not sure that makes much sense. I just can’t connect to the emotions, and so I disengage pretty quickly. and so I tend to steer clear of time-honored fandom staples like coffee shop AUs or And They Were Roommates, just because for me there’s rarely anything there for me to latch onto. I like angst, but I can’t relate to “so and so doesn’t feel the same way about me”, or “I want to be with them so bad but I don’t know how to confess”, or “they’re with someone else and it hurts like crazy every time I see them and know we can’t be together”, because none of those are emotions that I have ever personally felt, and I just can’t make myself feel them. what I can relate to are things like “this person makes me feel safe”, or “I feel a strong connection to this person”, or “I trust this person more than anyone else” because those feelings aren’t exclusively romantic in nature. I can relate to closeness and caring and love and affection and trust, but what I can’t relate to is the feeling of having a single person occupy all of your thoughts all the time, and very badly wanting to be the most important thing in their life as well, and feeling incomplete otherwise.

but anyway I spiraled away from the point I was trying to get to, which is that for a long time I actually felt guilty about feeling this way. because even though it’s rare to find fanworks where gen/platonic relationships are at the center, actual canon is chock full of said relationships. and so it’s like, what right do I even have to complain when I get to read all the time about so and so being friends, but the people who actually want them to be in a relationship in the actual canon so rarely get to see that actually happen. because that much has not changed in the past 20 years, even though society has become far more accepting of LGBTQ+ relationships. most canons are still far more likely to tease a non-hetero ship -- on purpose, even, hence why queerbaiting is a thing -- than actually commit to it. and so I often feel like I have no right to voice my desire for more genfic, because genfic has never faced the same kind of scrutiny as slashfic. gen has always been acceptable, and there is plenty of canon representation of platonic and non-romantic relationships, and so it’s not something I have any business whining about.

and even now I feel fairly uncomfortable voicing this lol. I write almost exclusively genfic myself, and up until very recently, I’ve always defined gen in my head as being just a lack of romantic or sexual content, rather than being its own distinct category. I think that’s one of the reasons it took me so long to realize I was aro (that, and I’d honestly never even come across the term until just a few years ago). for me, my lack of interest in romantic affection always felt more like a lack of identity rather than an identity in and of itself. I always felt like I was missing something. and for a very long time it never occurred to me that this might be a permanent thing; I just figured, okay, I just haven’t had this feeling yet. it just hasn’t happened for me yet. but eventually it would, and I just hadn’t met the right person, or whatever. but it was never anything I particularly wanted, and I never felt like I was missing out on anything by not having it. I never felt any kind of longing for it or felt incomplete without it. I was actually perfectly content!

but because society treats romantic orientation as the norm and places such a huge emphasis on it, I still had the uncomfortable feeling in the back of my head that if I never fell in love with someone and never wound up having a relationship with someone, my life would somehow be less meaningful and whole. like, we’re raised to think that romantic love is basically the pinnacle of the human experience, the purest and truest emotion that anyone can feel. and at the same time, there’s this idea that a life without that kind of love is just sad and unfulfilling and tragic. and so for a very long time my experience with my own aromanticism was characterized by me thinking of it as a lack of something that everyone else said was very important. and it took a long time to realize that that wasn’t the case, and that it was a valid orientation all its own and not just a matter of me being deficient in some way. and that was actually such a relief to finally come to terms with. I can be whole and complete on my own and still have a rich and fulfilling human experience even if I never experience romantic love, and that’s fine. I’m not missing anything. I’m not wrong for feeling like I’m not missing anything. it’s fine to be content with just me as I am. like, holy shit. and that was such a weight off my shoulders to finally get that.

I once wrote a fic which I was and still am very proud of. it was a genfic, and it had a really intricate plot with a big twist at the very end. and there was a ton of emotion in it, and it got very intense at times, because these were two characters who cared a lot about each other and would literally die for each other if they had to, and I’d put them in a situation where that possibility was very much looming over their heads at every turn. and I really put everything I had into trying to convey that kind of bond as strongly as possible. like I poured a ton of my heart and soul into that fic. and the responses were almost universally positive and kind and made me really happy.

there was one response though, that still sticks with me to this day. it was by and large very positive, just like the others. but it ended with a single sentence that, at the time, kind of just lowkey gutted me. Not gonna lie though, would have loved some slash in there.

like, that just cut me. way more than this person actually intended, I think. I’m pretty sure they just meant it as an offhanded comment, not even a concrit or anything. just “haha would have loved it if they’d kissed though lol.” but it stung. because this was something I’d put every ounce of emotion that I could conjure up into. and even though it wasn’t mean to be hurtful in any way, to me that comment read as “this is still missing something.” because there was no romance, the fic was incomplete. the characters’ feelings were incomplete. even though I’d struggled so much to convey all of these complex emotions which to me were so real and powerful, and even though the comment even acknowledged that I had by and large done so effectively, to me the single takeaway that stuck was that the feelings were less meaningful because there was no romance.

and that felt like a failing on my part. I even apologized for it. and here we are, ten years later, and that comment still pops up in my head any time I feel the urge to talk about a popular ship which I support but which I also enjoy as just a friendship. “just” a friendship. I still feel guilt over that. I still feel this urge to overexplain that I’m not trying to invalidate the actual romantic ship. I worry that I’d be perceived as ungrateful and/or a bad ally if I ever just came out and said “I wish there was more gen” like you were able to say so freely, anon. I worry about people getting offended if I were to say “I headcanon so and so as being aroace” because it might be viewed as an attack on their ships, or as latent homophobia, or something. like I have this paranoid fear that people might take it as me being puritanical and all “oh no, icky sex” or whatever, and so I end up just never bringing it up at all.

and that’s the thing about aromanticism, though; it’s so easy to just never talk about it at all, because for so many people it is just defined as a lack of something, rather than a something all on its own. it’s so easy for it to be something you just never bring up, and which just kind of quietly exists as the boring, bland, inoffensive yet uninteresting lack of a relationship; the default blank slate that most everyone is dying to fill in as soon as possible, except for you. and I’ve gone on thinking about it that way myself for so long that I’m still struggling now to sort out how to embrace it as an actual identity. it’s something I still have a lot of work to do on I guess.

anyway! so that all got very long and rambling and personal, far more so than I intended; clearly I have a lot of pent up thoughts and feelings about this lol. I guess I probably could stand to talk about it more, since the evidence would indicate that I clearly want to. but eh, baby steps. but anyways you are super valid anon and thank you so much for the love and comments. <3

#aromanticism #meta #aromanticism in fandom #personal #long post #ask #anon ask #hey um just an addendum this is a pro aroace post NOT an anti-shipping post #just to make that clear #like you can be for one thing without bashing the other #so if you want to reblog this that is awesome and I'm grateful #but please don't use it as a launching pad for any weird toxic 'shipping is bad' takes please and thanks

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guigz1-coldwar · 4 years ago

Text

'Big story' : New chapter for "Redemption in a Spirit in a Cold War" is out !

"Big story"

All I want with her is keeping her close to me !

Chapter Summary : Yirina is, after an long night, going to speak with Portnova about her own life and story......

To read it on AO3, click here !

Words : +3000

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Portnova....it was an big risk to go to her place to try to find out if she was still living there and also to try to gather some intels about our own operations against Stone and if we were able to, to find something on Adler himself even if the chances were non-existant to be honest. The bigger risk is that to literally enter her place in the inside. She wasn't there at this time of the day despite been 2 AM in general and we thought that she was still working at the Lubyanka and that we will have time to get out.....

We were....so wrong about this. After we managed to find out that Beans was still well & alive after I told Portnova to take care of it when I was away to save Zasha and after all these years, we've been frozen in place when Portnova suddenly came back in her house and found there, in her living room, seeing us like 3 intruders and at first, I thought she was going to shoot us at sight. Hopefully, it didn't happen. However, she immediately showed her anger by slapping me & Zasha in the face and....yeah, I deserved it to be real.

Instead of letting us leave like that, Portnova ordered us to stay here and that wasn't an advice but an direct order, threatening to kill those who will try to leave and with that, we had no choice but only to stay because it was our only option right now. It was impossible to do this because....it's Portnova herself, she said to have been alone for 3 years and leaving was going to be seen like an second betrayal and I wouldn't do that. At least, we could finally have an sleep after what we did.....

No....no, I couldn't close my eyes during the whole night even if I was so tired....we were all tired and I couldn't sleep at all even if I was trying now in an couch with Park, changing from the car's backseats but no, nothing could have help me to have some rest. All night, I was feeling troubled like if I had an taste of bitterness in my mouth, disgusted by myself because of Portnova's situation right now and the worst ? Even in the darkness of the living room, I could see Zasha's crying eyes on the other couch....it was sad....and feeling me more guilty...I fucked up.....

I saw them during the first hours after Portnova left until they could finally sleep but not me, I was the only one to not sleep in here as Park was the first one to do even if she wasn't feeling good after witnessing all of this. I was still awake at 8 AM before I could hear the stairs making noises meaning that Portnova was going down and I could see going into another room that I supposed to be her kitchen.

Without hesitation, I decided to got up from the couch, leaving Park to get the couch for herself, still sleeping to go join Portnova....she told me that I needed to tell her everything and I will do it, face-to-face....I will. I stepped inside, finding her standing up next to the counter, her hands on it, not doing anything.

"Hi." I started in an low voice, waving at her to catch her attention towards me but she didn't even look at me or respond to me, staying in the same position. "Uhm....Portnova...I....how do you feel ?" I added, not sure of my own words.

"This is how you're starting an conversation ?" She said harshly to me, peaking an eye to me, like if she was scanning me & my clothes.

"I'm sorry if it did disturb you." I told her, sounding apologizing to her as I slowly move inside the kitchen, getting next to her. "If you want, you can slap me again or even punch me, I will not give an damn." I stated, pointing to her my face and honestly, if she wanted to do that, I will understand that.

"No." She whispered, removing her hands from the counter to lean against it, getting some distances between me & her. "I will never do that."

"But you did do it !" I exclaimed in an normal tone...still feeling her slap from the night on my face to say. "And not only to me, you did this on Zasha." I added.

"I'm regretting to have done this, Grigoriev." She snorted, looking an bit sad and angry towards me before she take an deep breath, crossing her arms. "To answer your question, why do you think I should feel good ?" She rhetorically demanded to me, making me look down at my feets in guilt. "I just found out that 2 of my closest friends....one who was my lover and the other who helped me to make an stand were alive for three years." She said, gesturing to the door and sounding sad....the only mood we could have right now.

"I couldn't sleep for the entire night." I told her, scratching my nose.

"Me neither to be honest." She continued and I could understand why she couldn't sleep...seeing us alive did make everyone feeling bad. "I've been asking myself how you two could have live your life away, forgetting me."

"We....we didn't forget you." I breathed.

"Really ?" She raised an eyebrow, staying at her position "And it took you 3 years to finally act ?" She asked me, looking to await an answer for me.

"You said that you wanted me to tell you everything so you want to know ?" I asked her back and she nodded to me, biting her lips. "Like I said, it's very long !"

"Just tell me, I got all the time." She ordered me as I scratch the back of my head, preparing myself to tell my story of my goddamn life to her.

"Okay." I took an deep breath before looking at her. "I don't remember everything but something happened in Turkey 3 years ago....Arash Kadivar left me for dead, he must have know that I was trying to defect with you." I started, getting her full attention on me, looking curious as hell and deadly too. "I managed to survive but everything didn't go to plan."

"What happened ?" She questioned in an curious tone.

"The CIA captured me in Turkey and I don't know why but I didn't speak, I....." I then cut myself, feeling the heavy weight on the words I was using. "Shit, Portnova....the CIA brainwashed me !" I proclaimed clearly and Portnova's eyes goes wide at this.

"What...are you serious ?" I nodded to her.

"I never spoke even if I was hating Perseus, I didn't speak at all." I stated, making me wonder why I never said an word about him to the CIA....something must have happen to me....something wrong to make me not speak. "Since I wasn't talking, the CIA decide to brainwash me to make me work with them."

"Continue." She ordered in an low voice, sounding confused and trying to get her senses back.

"During an time, I wasn't named 'Yirina Grigoriev' but Jess Blackwell...codenamed 'Bell'." I continued like she wanted. "They make me work with the MI6 and during that time, I thought to have been an full british....before they make me discover the truth as I became the only lead to Perseus." I added, taking an deep breath to think about that moment...Adler....the needle...the keyphrase...."I did help them but in reward, I was left for dead again, put into an coma and I woke up....only one month ago." I pointed the scar of my head, getting my finger along it. "I wasn't really alive for 3 years."

"Shit." She cursed, thinking to herself. "Where did you woke up ?"

"In Moscow....can't remember the name of the hospital." I replied, sending chills in her as I was just there, not alive in Moscow, not really far from the Lubyanka. "Since I woke up, I've been trying to survive, to recover my old memories and to finish what I started." I affirmed, decrossing my arms, getting them alongside my body. "It's progressing good if you want to know about my memories."

"So, there's things that you still don't know right now." She suggested and I nodded slowly, snorting.

"I don't even know what happened between the day I saved Zed and the day I was left for dead." I exclaimed, raising my shoulders, looking at Portnova as I was thinking that she could know. "I don't know why I wasn't able to save you." I added, making her look at me with an apologizing face.

"Well, Perseus send you away from Moscow once you got back at that time." She stated, getting my full attention and giving me some news about myself. "We weren't able to talk in person and we only had one call." She continued. "It was the 12th of January."

"One day before Arash shot me." I whispered to myself.

"You called because you wanted me to put some of your things in an box and hide it somewhere safe from Perseus in case something bad happened to you." She remembered very well, making me the links between the box that Belikov gave me in that apartment an month ago. "Unfortunately, this box was stolen in April 1981." She added.

"I know." I breathed, grinning an little. "I got it back from someone an day after I woke up from my coma." I smiled about it but Portnova didn't actually answer or make an move to me, in her thoughts to be honest. "Listen, today, I'm working with the MI6 and I'm here with Zed and Park to help you." I finally spoke up, making her eyes go back on me, curious again.

"The MI6 ?" I nodded to her. "And this Helen Park, she's like your colleague ?" She asked.

"Well, yes." I whispered before I looked at the couch that was just in my sight, seeing Park slowly getting up. "In fact...okay, she's my lover !" I exclaimed, seeing Portnova crossing her arms to me and like I thought, her eyes goes wide on me.

"My god." She breathed, stunned.

"Yes, it's....maybe weird but I love her, she's my moral support and she's always there for me." I affirmed proudly to Portnova who was kinda astonished to hear that.

"Hi." I was surprised when I saw Park already standing next to the door frame, waving at me & Portnova and she was looking an bit troubled like before she sleep. "Uhm...did I step in in the wrong moment ?"

"Nope, it's all good, Park." I grinned to her, removing myself from the counter.

"Okay, Yiri." She whispered, making me blush until her eyes meet Portnova's eyes. "Well, if we want to talk about work and the future, I'm open." She added

"It's better that we wait after we took something to eat before actually speaking of that." I suggested before my chest start to growl as we didn't eat since an while...since the last evening to be honest.

"Well, you are right." Park said.

"I'm going to make everyone coffee and some breakfast, okay ?" Portnova volunteered, sounding an bit low before we nodded to her. "Okay, so get yourselves back on the couchs." She ordered before me & Park left the kitchen.

We installed ourselves back in our couch like Portnova ordered to us and we were now awaiting with Zasha that was awakening up on their own couch, their eyes still looking sad from their cries of last night before Portnova arrived with some cups of coffee on an big plate and even if it was kind from her, we weren't going to talk like before even if I told her about the truth, thinking that it's hard to talk about this with people around.....an feeling that I'm sharing in case she got it.

It was an complete silence during all the breakfast. Even Zasha wasn't talking at all, trying to struggle with the fact that they just saw Portnova well and remembering that slap she gave them. They couldn't talk normally after this and it's gonna be hard for the two to rekindle their relationship. The silence were broken when Park's satellite phone that she has take with her rang, causing her to go outside to make the call with Portnova watching her in case she was going to try something.

She came back 3 minutes later, having finished her call as Portnova open the door back for her, wondering who did called Park....must have been Woods & his team or Garrett & Greta wondering where the three of us were.....must be that.

"So, who called ?" Portnova asked to her while Park stepped back inside.

"It was my MI6 friend Garrett." Park replied, going back inside the living room to get sit on the couch, looking at me. "I had to tell him that we had to go on an mission outside the town and that we will come back this evening." She added as Portnova slowly nodded to her, getting sit on her own seat.

"Now, I think we can talk about you." She started, looking at Park curiously. "Why are you all here ?"

"Well...uhm, it's because of Harry Stone himself, we've been hunting him down since 2 weeks...almost 3." I was the one to respond to her question, joining my hands together. "Zasha...they joined us the 8th of May after I found out that they were still alive." I continued, making Zasha look at me with their saddened eyes.

"I...uhm...yes, I did." Zasha said in an low voice, still troubled

"It's been almost 5 days that we're in here to save you, hoping that you could help us with Stone." Park told to Portnova, biting her lips and also joining her hands together.

"We know that you were in charge of supplying the soviet guns to the Perseus's group around the world before you were pulled out." I continued, making Portnova confused.

"How did you know that ?" She questioned.

"We managed to make one member of your 'team' an MI6 informant inside the KGB." Park answered, insisting that her team wasn't an real one. "He said to us the truth about...."

"Why did you join him ?" Zasha interrupted Park, looking at Portnova with incomprehension. "You said that you will never join him but....you lied." They stated, their voice cracking as Portnova was holding back her own tears. Park was an bit stressed to have been cut off but I put my hands on hers to calm her down

"I....Zasha...I...." Portnova started, looking away from them for an second. "He.....well...he said that he will promise revenge if I join him...to avenge my fallen friends." She passed her hands through her face to clean up some tears, looking at me. "I was stupid to accept and now, here I am." She snorted, having her eyes on Zasha.

"If you want, we can delay to talk about work." Park suggested.

"No, it's okay...I....what do you need to know ?" Portnova shook her head to us as she was still looking at Zasha, troubled.

"We need informations about Stone himself and everything that could bring him down." Park replied, redressing herself on the couch.

"Well, you can have these infos but....there are somewhere that is very protected." Portnova stated, making me realize of her words.

"Okay, wait !" I waved at her, meaning to stop as I put my head in my left hand. "Are you telling us that the only way to find where Stone could be is....in the Lubyanka building ?" I asked and she slowly nodded. "Oh, bloody hell, not again !" I cursed to myself..... It's 1981 all over again !

"What do you mean, not again ?" Portnova demanded.

"Let's just say that it's not the first time that I did get into the Lubyanka....." I admitted, getting Zasha's head turned towards me curious as it was something they didn't know as Park was knowing the story well. "I broke in with the CIA in March 1981." I told her.

"The day the Lubyanka was attacked and you were there...." Portnova whispered, making me wonder if I did see her without her seeing me that day. "Damnit."

"Really ?" I nodded to Zasha's question.

"It was our only way at that time to get something on Perseus." I added to my nodding to Zasha. "And today, we're learning that we're maybe going to do this again."

"Are you certain that Stone's intels are in the Lubyanka ?" Park questioned and Portnova nodded.

"Yes but I can't reach for them personally and neither of my 'team' can do." She exclaimed, looking at the three of us.

"That's means that we're going to enter the Lubyanka again." I looked at Park who nodded.

"Yeah, I think we have no other choice but we're not going to make like 3 years ago with the CIA." She stated, not wanting to provoke an slaughter in the building like everyone else in here. "How much time you think you can give means to get inside ?"

"Since I'm not heavily monitored by the KGB, I can say that I can give you uniforms & badges in 2 days." Portnova stated, making us relieved that she will help but an bit sad that we're going to wait two more days. "And once it's done, what will happen ?"

"We're going to get you out of here with the MI6's help !" I replied, sure of my words before I could see Beans arriving in the room, getting next to Portnova. "And Beans too." I added with an smile, seeing her meowing to Zasha & Portnova.

"You said that...you wanted to be an maths teacher, right ?" Zasha asked, sounding an bit happy.

"Uhm...yeah, I want to be one." Portnova smiled at hearing Zasha been happy.

"Well, we can help you with that if only you're helping us." Park affirmed, serious.

"Of course, I will help you by an lot." Portnova affirmed too, looking at Park with an grin on her face as Zasha was looking more good than before, making me smile before an silence of an few seconds came in until Portnova got up slowly from her seat.....

"I'm doing this for my friends, my only family....my real family."

#cod bocw #cod cold war #cod black ops cold war #call of duty cold war #cod cw #cod bell #black ops cold war #call of duty #cod #yirina grigoriev #helen park #zasha smirnov #fem!bell #yirina portnova

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rant-2-me · 4 years ago

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My mental state has just worsened over the days, though I'm not sure why, and I just feel so unmotivated and lacking any energy to practice any self care other than napping, and also feel anxious because I'm not studying enough.. feel like I'm just 1/4th assing my responsibilities.. And when someone asks me how I'm doing, sometimes I blurt out that I'm not fine, and the guilt I feel afterwards for making them worry, so I find myself withdrawing from initiating conversation with them, even though I really want to, and this makes them worry about me more.. I just don't know anything anymore, everything feels too much, yet I can't rant in a clear conscience without feeling guilty for bothering them, and thinking how I don't deserve to complain because they have had so much worse (yes I know pain is relative, but I feel so horrible, like a whiny child, who doesn't know how to be content with her blessings)......

Sorry I know it's a lot.. feel free to delete it if it's triggering or making you uncomfortable in any way... I just needed to get it out..

My lovely nonnie, im so, so glad you sent this ask. and got it all out of your system. yeah this sounds cheesy but like ive been there, with not knowing how to reach out—im proud you had the courage to send this ask. girlboss vibes.

also this ask took a while to answer and im so so sorry about that, but I didnt want to do anything less than the best for you, so let's just jump right in <[:)

Lacking motivation, god I've been there, but doing self care is super super important so here is a how-to, hon.

How to do selfcare when you’re not motivated to:

1. Be a little “gross.”

Gross is in quotes because it’s so subjective, but you undoubtedly have a few behaviors you consider kind of gross regardless. Now’s the time to do them without judgment. For me, that’s meant showering less, eating weird food combos (sometimes in bed), and letting my brows and mustache grow magnificently unruly. For you, it could mean doing something you normally judge yourself for or cutting back on activities you only do for the benefit of others. Now is not the time to allow “socially acceptable” behaviors to rule you.

2. Eat whatever the hell you want.

This should be a rule always, but I’m not going to pretend there aren’t societal, social, and personal pressures that go into why we eat what we eat. Try to shut down the voice that judges or polices what you’re eating right now. We’re in the middle of a goddamn pandemic. If dinner has to be some slices of cheese and deli meat eaten in front of the open fridge, so be it. If you have a lot of cravings and are snacking more than you normally would, cool. If pre-pandemic you decided you were going to stick to a certain meal plan and it’s just not happening anymore? Don’t beat yourself up.

Yes, what we eat is connected to our mental health, and I don’t want to discount that—but if the stress of eating healthfully is making you feel like crap anyway, whether that’s because you can’t fathom cooking or don’t have the means to shop for certain foods during isolation, just eat the sleeve of Oreos and try again another day. It’s okay.

3. And wear whatever you want.

Or, more realistically, wear whatever you can. Even if it means wearing the same ratty sweatpants for a whole week. Or month. Maybe you started all this out aspiring to get dressed every day to work from home productively, or maybe you have a whole collection of comfortable loungewear you feel guilty for not utilizing. Whatever arbitrary rules and expectations you’ve set for yourself, you can throw them out.

On the other hand, maybe you need to quiet the voice that tells you there’s no point in getting dressed or feeling presentable. If it helps, by all means, play with your look, wear awesome or weird outfits, do your hair and makeup or whatever activity might feel a little silly given your current reality. In the middle of a pandemic, nothing is a waste of time if it makes you feel good.

4. Use shortcuts to avoid creating chores.

In my first week or so of working entirely from home, I was baffled by just how messy my apartment got. How on earth were so many messes piling up when I wasn’t even doing anything but working, sleeping, and eating? I hadn’t realized it, but a lot of my small tidying routines had become casualties to the pandemic. And, it turns out, slacking on the little ways I pick up after myself every day (such as doing the dishes right after I use them) added up quickly.

Instead of forcing myself to stick to the same levels of tidiness that I used to maintain, I’ve found shortcuts. For example, I use paper plates and plastic cutlery when I feel too fatigued to wash dishes so they don’t sit in the sink for days on end. Or I stick to the same two “outfits” to avoid clothes piling up when I’m too depressed to put them away every day. If you can find a small way to go easy on yourself, even if it feels a little wasteful or indulgent or gross, it’s okay to tap into those shortcuts right now.

5. Be kind to yourself if your place is messy or dirty.

I won’t lie: I’m someone whose space impacts my mental health a lot. Typically, keeping my apartment clean helps keep my mental health in check and letting my apartment get gross makes me feel worse. That’s still true in a lot of ways, but to adapt I’ve been trying to be mindful and accepting of where I’m at. And it’s…helped?

It turns out that taking the pressure off does a lot to mitigate the guilt and some of the other negative mental health effects I usually experience. In practice, it involves a lot of talking to myself. Instead of seeing my apartment turning into a depression cave and immediately thinking, “Oh, God, I need to clean up, this is so disgusting, I’m a monster for living like this, of course I feel depressed,” I go for kindness. I think (or even say out loud because, well, desperate times), “Of course my apartment is a mess right now. I’ll get to it when I get to it. I can handle the mess for now.”

6. Accept your new sleep schedule.

idk anyone whose sleep hasn’t been screwed in some way by all of this. Anxiety, depression, fatigue, pent-up energy from sheltering in place, tech use, new work responsibilities, screwy schedules…pretty much every aspect of our new reality can impact our sleep. Some people are sleeping a lot more, some are sleeping a lot less, and some are cycling through both extremes. Oh, and the temptation of naps! It’s all there.

Trying to maintain a healthy sleep schedule during all of this is a worthy endeavor—and more power to you if you’ve figured out how—but there’s a good chance that it feels impossible.

By “accepting” your new sleep schedule, I don’t mean pretending it doesn’t suck; I mean doing what you can to be gentle on yourself about it. For me, acceptance has looked like watching some comfort tv and reading my favourite books at 2 a.m. instead of staying in bed and anxiety-spiraling about how I can’t sleep. Is it ideal? No way. But I’m not going to waste energy stressing about something I currently can’t control.

7. Give yourself plenty of room to do absolutely nothing.

I’ve given myself permission to do a whole lot of nothing. That includes getting rid of the pressure to be productive and practice self-care, yes, but in a broader sense, it also means not forcing myself to actively “adjust” every day.

Some days, I just need to do nothing but feel my feelings. Or avoid feeling my feelings. Or stare at the ceiling. Give yourself space to do (or not do) whatever you need to.

also, nonnie? my love?

Never feel guilty about telling someone who cares about you when you don’t feel okay.

People who genuinely care about you—and I’m sure they are many—will care if you aren’t feeling good, there are always going to be people who care about you, who want you to be okay, that’s why they ask, why people make rant, why “how are you?” is such a common question.

But if you do need to talk, but you feel like you’ll “burden” people who you do talk to, here’s a guide to ranting.

Guide to ranting:

1. Pick the right person. Someone who’s in the right headspace to listen to you, you could also pick someone who cares about you—if you’re anxiety tells you nobody cares about you, pick someone who “should” care about you in your relationship, e.g: a friend you’ve had for a long time, a friend who’s told a few of their problems, or friend you might not feel close with, but seems very kindhearted and a good listener.

2. Pick the right time to talk to them, so you can have their undivided attention. If they are busy—as most people will be with something—they’ll have a hard time giving you good advice and listening to you. Ask them when they are free, and then ask them:

3. “hey, can we talk? I’m not mad or you or anything, it’s just that I have been not feeling great, and I just want to rant to someone about it.” and “No pressure to say yes, you might have your own stuff to do deal with.” to make sure they are the right person to talk to.

4. It’s ok to test the waters. Start slowly, you don’t have to share everything at once if you don’t want to.

5. You never know how your friend will react to what you say.While you can’t know how they’ll react, just remember that sometimes people’s initial reactions may come from a place of shock, surprise or not knowing what to say. Their initial reaction isn’t always their longerterm reaction, it may just take them a little time to process.

6. Look for ways to take action. Don’t get me wrong, ranting can be amazing for you, but on its own may not solve your problem.

But maybe venting to people isn’t for you. No matter! There are other ways to get out emotions:

Ways to rant without talking to anyone

1. Cry it out— simple and rewarding. When the baggage is just too heavy to carry cry it out. It can help you ease the pressure and ease your mind to think straight after days of holding that frustration in.

2. Work out — easy and fun. tire yourself out and release all the frustration in working out! This is going to be so satisfying for you as you try and punch, kick, balance, lift, and breathe those frustrations away.

3. Clean & rearrange — practical and can be fun. we get frustrated by so many things and one thing that can truly help clear our minds is to have a clean place where we can stay and live for the moment to breathe. Clean your room, rearrange your things and you’ll be surprised by the satisfaction this brings — a signal of a new beginning.

4. Scribble — simple and fun. Make scribbles, doodles, drawings, take a pen or a pencil, and let go. It does not have to be “good” art or professional at all. Just draw whatever comes to heart, sunflowers or clouds or rainbows—anything.

5. Write it down — fun and simple. Let those words out of your head and just live in the moment.

How to fight the lack of motivation.

1. Don't fight the lack of motivation.

If you feel down or unable to muster tons of energy, let it be ok. Be easy on yourself and acknowledge that it's ok to have a dip, especially at this time of the year.

2. Once you have accepted your slump, get to the bottom of it.

Ask yourself, "What is the root cause of this sluggish feeling?" Go deeper than the obvious reasons. Is it related to work? Your personal life? Relationships? It might also just be the weather. Get clear on what areas of your life you're feeling the most resistance.

3. Dig into that area. What is not ideal about this aspect of your life? What would make it better?

Make a list of how you'd like your current situation to improve--and be specific. If you truly can't find a reason to be less than enthusiastic, then accept your feelings and let them pass with time.

4. Take your list of what is missing and go through it.

What is holding you back from being able to create the things that are missing in your life?

5. Get support for creating the life you want.

Do some research and find an expert to help you. Even though they love you, friends and family aren't objective enough, and they tend to give advice that is a reflection of their own life and insecurities.

6. Think of current habits that are contributing to a less-than-ideal life.

Maybe it's fear, laziness, or not having enough confidence. Pick one to focus on.

7. Address this habit over the next 2 months.

They say it takes 28 days to create a new habit, but this varies from person to person. If you focus on it for two months, you are sure to build the neural pathways needed to call it a new way of being.

8. Buy a book, read articles or do some research on this particular behavior or feeling.

Read about the common causes of this habit as well as the proven ways to bust through and work around it.

9. Create a plan around shifting your current habit.

Make sure that changing this habit ultimately helps you move forward in the area of your life that is not ideal. The energy from clarity, awareness and then action will immediately get you feeling more motivated, no matter what.

10. When all else fails: make a list of activities that excite you, and do one of them right now.

Talk to a fun friend, dance around at home, workout, watch a funny YouTube video, tackle something on your to-do list. Accomplishing something will give you a hit of dopamine in your brain. If you're too overwhelmed by your day, sit for five minutes and meditate. Put on some soothing music and breathe.

okay, that's all nonnie, I hope you feel the lust for life in your lungs, please have all my love, i hope this helped, this ask took a while, but it was worth if it helps

and if you need to dont worry to send another ask, if you like spam the inbox!! queen!!!

take care, much love my sweet honey, bye <3

—*putting daisies in your hair as they leave* mod peppermint <[:)

#mod peppermint #ask #anon #rant

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