#I’ve studied to the point of actually being physically nauseous

[a-very-fond-farewell]

:(

[spencersstrawberryjello]

Revelations (Spencer Reid x fem!MC)

Summary: SPOILERS FOR SEASON TWO As everything goes down with Tobias Hankel, Aria and the BAU have to find him before it’s too late. Once they do, Aria takes Spencer home and comforts him. 

Content: Angst, Hurt/Comfort

Warnings: Descriptions of torture and violence (all related to Reid’s abduction in season two), swearing, kidnapping and emotional turmoil

MC’s name and pronouns: Aria (are-ee-ah) Glenn, she/her

Word Count: 5024 (it’s a long one folks so buckle up - it ended up being almost ten full pages lmao)

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“Hey,” I looked up from my phone to see Emily standing in the doorway. “Can I sit?”

I gestured to the space on the bed beside me, in the small house that made me nauseous. Thinking about the fact that the bed I was sitting on right now belonged to the man who had kidnapped Spencer made me want to both punch something and throw up. Emily came and sat beside me, turning to face me as I did the same. Her voice was soft when she spoke, studying my face. 

“How are you doing?” She asked. It was a question she already knew the answer to, and I scoffed.

“We’re both profilers, Prentiss. You tell me; how do you think I’m doing?” I snapped. Immediately afterwards, guilt flared through my chest, and I sighed, shaking my head. “I’m sorry. It’s just - well, you know. I don’t think any of us are in a good state of mind right now.”

I dropped my gaze back to my hands, resting in my lap. She took them, directing my attention back to her as she spoke. 

“Glenn. We all care about Reid, and we’re all doing everything we possibly can to get him back. But I know that your relationship with him is… different. You kind of disappeared earlier, I just wanted to check on you.”

“I just couldn’t watch that anymore,” My chest tightened just thinking about the sight of Spencer, tied to a chair, being forced to decide who lives and who dies. He looked so broken -

I forced myself away from that train of thought, taking my hands out of Emily’s to press them to my eyes in an attempt to ward away the tears I felt rising again. 

I’ve cried so much in the past two days I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to again. 

“I understand,” She moved my hands so I’d look into her eyes again. “I just wanted you to know we’re all here for you, ok? We’re all in this together, we’re all worried about him. You’re not alone in what you’re feeling.”

I nodded, and she pulled me into a tight hug, one I returned gratefully. The moment was interrupted by Derek flying into the room, with a statement that made my heart drop. 

“The live feed is back on,” He announced, clearly intending for Emily and I to come with him. I knew that watching the videos was the best way for us to figure out where the hell this guy took Spencer, but the idea of seeing him in that cabin again made me want to throw up. I immediately started to shake my head, a childlike reflex to the statement. 

“No. No, I can’t, I -” I wanted nothing more than to be curled up in his arms right now. 

This all felt like one massive nightmare. I wished I could just wake up, scared before I realized he was safe in his apartment, laying in bed with me. I would turn over and press a quick kiss to his lips, not enough to wake him up but enough that I could appreciate his presence even more after imagining the worst possibility, before burying myself back in the warmth of his embrace…  

“Aria. Hey,” Emily had her hand on my arm, pulling me out of my fantasy. My mind had started to take over, to take me into a daydream that was safer than the turmoil that had become our reality. “I know this is hard. But the more people we have working on this, the better the odds of us finding him are.”

“I hate to say it, but you guys need to hurry. We have no idea how long he’s going to be live.”

I felt like I was going to pass out when I stood up, making my way into the computer room that had become Garcia’s base for the past two days. My attention focused immediately on the screen displaying the live feed of Spencer. Emily was still standing next to me, and she reached out, giving my arm a quick squeeze to make sure I knew she was right there. I nodded my appreciation, but I couldn’t break my eyes away from the video.

He looked exhausted. Exhausted, and in pain, physically and mentally. 

I didn’t know how much more of this he could handle. 

“This ends now.” Charles Hankel’s voice was one I knew would be at the center of my nightmares for years to come; and if that was how I felt, I couldn’t imagine what Spencer was feeling right now. I didn’t think I wanted to. “Confess your sins.”

I dug my nails into my palms, trying to steady my breathing. I could tell Spencer was trying not to cry, and for a moment I thought Charles wasn’t going to do anything before he moved closer to the chair, punching him hard in the face. A sob escaped my lips, and I clamped my hand over my mouth, trying to silence myself as I watched him beat him, over and over, demanding he confess to the sins he hasn’t committed.

I looked around the room, and I knew we were all feeling a very similar set of emotions right now. It’s just a matter of what was the strongest. Garcia was trembling from her seat in front of the computers. Derek looked like he was going to genuinely kill somebody, and JJ looked like she was going to be sick. Hotch and Gideon were watching with nothing but fatherly worry, and even Emily looked like she couldn’t breathe.

“Tobias, help me,” His voice was so quiet we could hardly hear it through the camera speaker, Spencer begging for some kind of rescue. He was crying openly now, and I knew that I was silently doing the same as Charles hit him again before pushing the chair backwards, causing Spencer to fall to the ground. 

At first I thought he’d passed out. But then I noticed him convulsing. 

“Oh my god,” Garcia was the first one to say something, her voice breaking as we watched Spencer gasping for air, unable to do anything but observe from the other side of a screen, “He’s killing him.”

I felt myself starting to spiral again, unable to even speak, wanting so badly to leave but knowing I’d never forgive myself if I did. So I stood there and watched the man I love thrash on the ground while Charles Hankel just stood over him, watching him die without even blinking. It wasn’t until Spencer stopped moving that he spoke. 

“That’s the devil vacating your body.” 

Spencer wasn’t moving.

Spencer Reid was dead. 

He was lying dead on the floor in a cabin in the middle of who-the-fuck knows where and there was absolutely nothing I could do to help him. 

Suddenly I couldn’t breathe. 

“No…” Was all I was able to say. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the image of Spencer’s body on the floor, still tied to that chair, abandoned as Charles Hankel left the room, leaving the camera still rolling. Gideon stormed out of the room - I thought I heard the bathroom door slam - and everyone immediately jumped into action, leaving Garcia and I alone staring at the unchanging computer screen.

“Come on baby, wake up. Please, for the love of god, please wake up.”

It felt like my mind was speedrunning the five stages of grief as I muttered under my breath, begging to a man who couldn’t even hear me. Who had no control over whether he lived or died. 

Garcia hadn’t moved either, her breath coming in shallow gasps as she stared at the screen. I moved over to her, grabbing her hand in mine, both of us trying desperately to comfort each other after the scene we just witnessed, unable to process what happened enough to even speak. After a moment, Hotch came back into the room, opening his mouth to say something to Penelope when something finally changed on the video in front of us. 

Charles Hankel had come back into the room.

Except it wasn’t Charles this time, it was Tobias, running over to Spencer’s body and immediately starting CPR in an attempt to save his life. Hotch called everyone back into the room, all of us gathered around the screen. After what felt like years, we heard it.

Spencer finally coughed. 

He woke up, and I thought I was going to cry from relief. I might’ve actually been crying; honestly I’d spent most of the last two days in a constant state of either crying or about-to-be crying, so it wouldn’t have come as much surprise. Everyone let out varying gasps of relief before getting to work again, deducing that Hankel would have to be within a 17-mile radius of the crime scene to have killed those people and then uploaded the video in the time frame that he did. Hotch was about to leave before we noticed Hankel’s demeanor change yet again as he stood over Spencer, who was still stuck on the floor. 

“You came back to life.” 

“Raphael.” 

“There can be only one of two reasons.”

“I was given CPR.”

“There are no accidents.”

Whatever momentary relief I got from seeing Spencer alive faded the moment Raphael began to ask questions. 

Questions about us. 

“He thinks it’s Revelation,” Hotch stated, concern filling his usually even tone. “The 7 Archangels versus the 7 Angels of Death.”

“Tell me who you serve.”

“I serve you.”

“Then choose one to die.”

My hand flew back up to my mouth as I processed the command, watching Spencer’s face crumble with the realization as well. 

“Kill me.” The words made my heart break, and I found myself desperately fighting the edge of tears, yet again. 

Damn, I really hated having emotions.

“Tell me who dies.”

“No.”

Raphael reached into his jacket pocket, pulling out a revolver and pointing it straight at Spencer’s forehead. It was a game of Russian Roulette, and I genuinely thought I might puke from the omnipresent anxiety making my knees weak. 

“I can’t -” I broke, turning away from the screen and into Derek’s arms as he pulled me into a hug. I hated not watching, but it was more than I could bear. It was all I could do just to listen as Spencer denied his request over and over again, each time the click of the trigger bringing him closer and closer to a bullet in the brain. 

“I choose… Aaron Hotchner.”

The sentence made me snap my gaze back to the screen, not breaking the hug but watching attentively as Spencer quoted a Bible verse. Hotch, however, left the room as soon as Spencer had finished speaking, everyone trailing out into the main room after him. 

“Hey, he’s alive. He’s alive,” Derek comforted me as everyone followed Hotch.

It’s truly a sign of how fucked up the situation is when the only comfort is that he hasn’t died yet.

Or at least, not permanently. 

I nodded, and broke the hug, following after everyone who had already found Hotch again. He was holding a Bible, quickly explaining that Spencer misquoted the verse. 

Misquoted the verse on purpose.

We’d found him.

We piled into the cars, my heart racing a mile a minute as we sped down the abandoned country roads, pulling up to an empty plantation, with nothing but trees in sight for miles aside from a small cabin and a cemetery surrounding it. 

We checked the cabin first.

Clear.

It wasn’t until we started making our way across the grounds that we heard it. 

A gunshot. 

“Oh god please don’t let that have been for Reid,” JJ echoed exactly what the rest of us were thinking. We followed the sound, Hotch calling out his name as we ran towards it. Finally, we saw him, hunched over the dying body of Tobias Hankel. 

Hotch took off in a sprint, approaching Spencer first, placing a gentle hand on his arm before Spencer pulled him into a tearful hug. He did the same to JJ, until I finally moved into view. 

He looked like he’d been to hell and back. He could hardly support his own weight, he was sweating, bruised, and there was an open wound on his forehead. But I’d never been happier to see him. 

I wasted no time pulling him into a hug, finally not trying to keep the tears at bay. For a moment, neither of us said anything, we just held each other, both of us crying in the cold night air. 

“I thought I’d lost you,” I finally said, pulling back from the hug to look at his eyes. A small smile came over his face, and I’d never seen anything more beautiful. He was still crying, and I brought my hands up to cup his face, wiping the tears from his cheeks. He was very clearly out of it, and I guided him to put his arm around my shoulders, helping him walk back to the cars, whispering reassurances the entire way there. 

“Wait!” He protested, “I have to do something first.”

He turned back towards Tobias’ body, and I let him go, giving him a moment to do whatever it was he needed as he limped over to the corpse. I turned back to the team, noticing Hotch looking at me with curiosity. Seeing as the only person who knows about Spencer and I’s relationship was Emily, it didn’t really come as a shock that I’d be getting strange looks. But honestly, I couldn’t bring myself to care.

“He’s probably going to need to go to a hospital,” Hotch said. We nodded our agreement, knowing there was an ambulance waiting back at Tobias Hankel’s house. 

Spencer rejoined the group, and I helped him the rest of the way back to the car. I wanted nothing more than to hold him in the backseat, but there wasn’t enough space and I didn’t want to draw more suspicion by asking JJ to move. So I climbed into the front seat next to Derek, who was driving. He shot me a look, and I just shrugged, not confirming or denying anything. 

The drive back felt significantly shorter now that he was safe with us, and when we got back, we followed the ambulance to the hospital. Despite the fact that they definitely didn’t need an 8-person FBI escort to take Spencer into the hospital, Gideon didn’t even ask us whether or not we wanted to go. It was just assumed. 

We’d gathered in the waiting room, everyone waiting to hear the extent of what that monster put him through. I was sitting in the chair closest to the hall, and immediately sprang to my feet when I saw the doctor round the corner. 

“What all did he do to him?” I demanded. 

“He had a pretty nasty gash on his forehead that we had to stitch up,” He started, “And his face is pretty bruised. Same with the bottom of his left foot. It’s a miracle it wasn’t broken.”

We nodded along to him speaking, and he paused for a second before revealing the worst detail.

“We also found a series of needle marks on his right arm. Traces of Dilaudid were still in his system.”

We’d assumed they’d drugged him - he wouldn’t have seized the way he did if they hadn’t, not to mention that JJ found records of Tobias Hankel’s addiction to narcotics - but hearing confirmation made my chest tight. 

“What does that mean for him?” Hotch asked. 

“Well, Dilaudid is addictive. It’s a narcotic painkiller; you’ll want to keep an eye on him in the next couple of weeks and note any strange behaviors you might see him exhibiting.”

We all nodded our understanding, and the doctor wrapped up what he was saying.

“Other than that, he just needs rest. We gave him water and something to eat, so honestly the best thing for him right now is to go home, get a shower and get some sleep. He might have some trouble putting a lot of weight on his right foot, but there’s not really anything we can do for that because it isn’t actually broken, just badly bruised. We’re going to send him home with crutches, but someone might want to stay with him for tonight, if one of you is comfortable with that.”

“I’ll stay with him,” I offered before anyone else could open their mouths. Emily’s eyes snapped to mine, and I cleared my throat, trying not to sound too eager, “If he’s ok with that, of course. I’ll have to ask him.”

The doctor just nodded. “Sounds good. Whoever is in charge here can see the front desk for further information.”

Gideon started towards the front desk, gesturing for Hotch to follow him as they went to talk to some people, leaving me standing in front of Garcia, Morgan, Prentiss, and JJ, all of whom were looking at me with varying looks of suspicion. Except Emily, who just looked vaguely amused.

“Anything you want to talk to us about, Glenn?” JJ asked. 

“Nothing at all,” I denied, trying to fight the small smile on my face. I could tell just by looking at them that they all knew, at this point it was hard not to at least assume. Not to mention they were all experts in human behavior - let’s just say it was hard to hide things from them. But JJ just shook her head with a shallow laugh, returning to her seat. However, she quickly stood back up when Spencer came around the corner, supporting his weight with a pair of plain gray crutches. 

“Spence,” She immediately crossed the room to him, looking him over with concern, “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” He offered her a small smile, but it wasn’t real. We all knew it, and she pulled

him into a hug, being careful not to make him fall. 

“I should’ve never let you go off on your own. I’m so sorry -” She started to apologize, but he cut her off. 

“JJ, stop. It’s not your fault; splitting up was my idea. No one had any way of knowing what was going to happen. I mean, there was a 50-50 shot that either of us could’ve run into him, we had no evidence he’d even left the barn at all.”

She let out a shaky breath, nodding. “I’m just glad you’re ok.”

“Me too.”

“We’re going to go back to the BAU so everyone can get their cars.”

He nodded his understanding, and he gave everyone a hug before Hotch and Gideon came back from the front desk. As much as he tried to appear normal, the events of the past two days hung heavy in the air. And we only knew what we saw on the videos, we had no idea the extent of what he’d gone through. I don’t know if we ever would. 

Even just the fact that he was hugging people was a testament to the way he was feeling. He usually didn’t even like to shake hands, but he was clinging to our friends like they were the only thing keeping him grounded. 

Hotch and Gideon rounded the corner, Hotch’s face softening the moment he saw Spencer, pulling him into another hug. 

“Alright, let’s get back to the BAU so you can go home and get some rest,” Gideon said. Spencer nodded, all of us piling back into the two vans we’d taken to Tobias Hankel’s house. JJ shot me a look before climbing into the passenger seat, allowing me to take her place in the back with Spencer, sitting shoulder to shoulder in the car. Once we started driving, I turned and whispered to him. 

“I wanted to come back home with you. Is that ok?” I asked. He gave me a small nod, and I smiled, giving his arm a squeeze. I desperately wanted to press a soft kiss to his lips, but I had already been way too physically affectionate with him today for us being at work. 

We all went our separate ways, though it was clear that everyone was reluctant to let Spencer out of their sight again. I reminded them I’d be with him, and promised that I’d update them once he fell asleep so they knew everyone was ok. It might’ve been selfish of me, but I was excited to be alone with him. I just wanted to be able to comfort him without having to worry about if everyone thought we were dating. 

To be fair, we technically weren’t dating. We’d never really defined the relationship.

We elected to take my car, since I was going to be driving. The more time we spent away from the group, the more I saw Spencer retreating. We walked to the car in silence, and he climbed in the passenger seat, zoning out staring through the windshield.

I reached over and gave his hand a light squeeze.

“I love you babe. Don’t know what I’d do without you,” I told him. He didn’t move his gaze, just squeezed my hand back in response before allowing me to return both hands to the wheel. We drove the rest of the way home with no sound but the radio turned down to a low volume. When I finally pulled into the parking lot for his apartment complex, he didn’t even blink. I turned the car off, going around to the other side to help him out of the car and into his apartment.

“Do you want me to get you something to eat? Or some water?” I offered as I unlocked the front door. He just shook his head.

“I just want to go to sleep.”

“You need to shower, Spencer.”

He nodded again, allowing me to lead him to the bathroom. 

“Do you think you can stand? Or do you want me to draw you a bath?” I asked. 

“Bath would be better,” He said, propping his crutches up against the sink. I knew he hadn’t broken his foot, but he still winced as he put more of his weight on it so that he could pull off his sweater and begin to unbutton the shirt he had on underneath it. 

“You’re ok with me being in here?” I had assumed he would be, but I wanted to clarify as he finished unbuttoning his shirt, slipping it off. He just nodded, starting to undo his pants as I filled the bath with warm water. I shut the water off when it was filled enough that he could sit comfortably in it, and I held his arm, helping him sink into the warm water. 

“Do you want my help babe?” I asked. He nodded again, still not speaking. I didn’t try to press him with any conversation, I just slipped out of my work clothes and slid into the bath next to him, grabbing the washcloth from the side of the bathtub and dipping it in the warm water, lathering up the soap and starting to gently wash along his shoulders, scrubbing away the dirt and grime. He winced when I got to his wrists, and I noticed that the skin was rubbed raw, red from where he’d been restrained. I drew in a shaky breath, unsure of whether or not I was going to cry or punch someone. Instead, I just planted a soft kiss on his lips before washing down the rest of his body. 

I put the washcloth away and moved on to his hair, moving so that my chest was pressed to his back. I lathered the shampoo through his hair, and he sunk back against me, his eyes closing from the gentle touch. 

“You’re safe with me, baby. I’ve got you,” I whispered reassurances in his ear, trying to help him relax as I finished cleaning him up. “How’s your head?”

My eyes had flashed up to the bandaged gash on his forehead, and I reached one hand up to gently brush his hair back away from it. He had opened his eyes now, just staring at the water, not really here. His voice was barely above a whisper, and it broke my heart. 

“It hurts,” He murmured.

“I’m so sorry, Spencer,” I said, holding him closer to me as if it could somehow soothe his pain, both physically and mentally. “I am so, so sorry that this happened to you. You didn’t deserve any of this.”

“Didn’t I?”

The question took me by surprise, and I didn’t even have a chance to protest before he elaborated.

“I abandoned my mother. I could’ve helped her - I mean, I could’ve learned to help her. Instead I sent her away… he told me to confess my sins. And when I thought of my sins, all I could see was her face. I left her, Aria.”

“Spencer. Look at me.” I lightly put my hand under his chin, guiding him to meet my eyes. “Your mother needed help from a medical professional, someone who was specialized in understanding her condition. You didn’t abandon her - Spencer, you helped her. It’s not a sin to get someone the help that they need.”

“I know that. Logically, I know that. But…”

He trailed off, but he didn’t need to say anymore. I just nodded.

“I know, baby. But you didn’t deserve what Hankel did to you. You’re a good person, Spencer Reid. One of the best I know, and I’m not just saying that because I’m in love with you. You really are an incredible man, and,” I bit my lip, forcing back the tears that were stinging my eyes, “And you deserved so much better than this.”

He didn’t reply, he just leaned forward, kissing me again. It was harder this time, like he was putting all his feelings into moving his lips against mine. I kissed him back with just as much emotion, trying to tell him how much I loved him without saying anything at all. 

“Thank you,” He whispered, and I wrapped my arms around him, holding him close to me for a moment.

“Spencer, you have no idea how grateful I am for you.”

“And I for you,” He replied semi-dramatically, making me grin and bringing a small smile to his face. It wasn’t much, but it was something positive. 

“Alright Shakespeare, let me get dried off and then I’ll help you out,” I teased, grabbing my towel off the hook and drying my damp hair before wrapping it around myself and grabbing his hand, helping him up and guiding him to lean up against the sink while I grabbed his towel and offered it to him. 

“I don’t even have the energy to correct the historical inaccuracy of your Shakespeare joke,” He said, drying himself off as I left the bathroom to grab pajamas from his dresser. I grabbed him one of his t-shirts and a pair of sweatpants, and I grabbed myself one of his sweaters, slipping it on before going back into the bathroom and giving him the clothes I’d grabbed, hanging my towel back up as he changed.

When I turned back, he’d put on the pajamas, and was in the process of grabbing his crutches. With every move, his expression changed, betraying just how much pain he was in. I put my hand on his shoulder, supporting him as he made his way back out to his room, immediately sitting down on the bed and letting the crutches fall to the ground. 

“Son of a bitch,” He muttered. I just sat down next to him, putting my arm around him so he could lean his head on my shoulder. 

“Hey. You’re alright,” I held him close to me, rubbing his shoulder in a slight comfort. 

“I’m tired,” He yawned, and I nodded. 

He stretched out on the bed behind me, and I scooted over next to him, pulling the comforter over both of us. 

“Can I hold you, baby?” I asked. He nodded, and I curled up against him, holding him tight to my chest. I tucked my head into the crook of his neck from behind, feeling his steady breathing against me. 

It didn’t really surprise me when I felt his breathing pick up - I assumed his mind would probably wander once he had quiet time to think - but it made my heart wrench when I heard him crying softly. 

“Spencer…” I pulled him closer to me, running one hand through his hair and placing soft kisses along his jawline, trailing down his neck. There was nothing sexual about it, simply gentle affection as he cried. 

He rolled over suddenly so he was facing me, immediately crushing me in a tight hug, crying openly into my shoulder. I continued to run one of my hands through his hair, the other gently tracing slow circles on his back under his shirt, trying to ground him as he attempted to process everything he’d gone through. 

“You’re safe with me baby. I’m never letting anything happen to you again, I promise.”

“You can’t make a promise like that,” He argued through his tears, “No one can make a promise like that. You know our line of work; there’s no way you can ensure my safety.”

“That’s true,” I conceded, “But as long as I have any say in it, I will protect you. And that’s a promise.”

His crying had quieted, and he sniffled, nodding into my shoulder. I kept him close to me, and eventually he drifted off to sleep, tears still staining his face. 

[four-rabbit]

Game Night

I don’t really know what this is, I’m just glad I was finally able to finish a sanders sides’ fanfic for the first time. 

This fanfic was born from the last video, obviously, and the realization that the creativity twins canonically feel physical pain when their ideas are desregard or their function is “offended” let’s say, which I had to exagerate and turn int angst, of course, so enjoy!

Summary: Remus get sick so frequently that those nights have became his idea of a sleepover. 

Ship: platonic dukeceit. Or romantic. You can interpret it however you want

Characters: Remus Sanders, Virgil Sanders and Janus Sanders 

Warnings: swearing, kinda grapphic descriptions of pain and sickness, mentions to vomit. Also maybe some umsympathetic Virgil? I don’t see it like that, but I guess it depends on how you interpret it. 

Word Count: 1729

Sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language

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If Remus was real, he would be dead. 

And if snakes could demonstrate worry, they would make exactly the same expression that Janus had after looking at the thermometer. 

"How do you manage to get so bad so quickly?" 

"What can I say, being bad is the only thing I'm good at" Remus joked, the words scratching his throat as an unwanted cough came with them. Janus rolled his eyes, trying to seem calm. And falling. 

"Any idea what was the cause this time?" Remus' focus went down to the old and familiar sheet, which he fiddled with, avoiding the question. 

"How hot am I?" He vaguely pointed to the thermometer. 

"You have a 113°F fever" 

"Well, fuck. That's a new record" he touched his own forehead, smiling almost maniacally right after "Shit. How long do you think it takes until my brain melts? 

"Bold of you to assume it hadn't already" Virgil was the one to answer, entering the room with a bowl of hot soup in his hands. 

"Wow Virgil, that was fast " Janus lied, raising an eyebrow. "What happened?"

"I was trying to actually cook something real for once"

"Please don't tell me your burned the kitchen" the half-snake child replied, with some amount of actual fear behind the dramatic hand to his chest and horrified expression. 

"Ha ha" pause "...not on purpose" Virgil replied, looking away. 

 "Yeah, that's my job!"

"Remus, eat your soup, the grownups are talking" the embodiment of Fear interrupted jokingly, even though any of them was older then twelve. Then he turned to Janus again, already guessing what he was going to say "but... it's fine now. I took care of it" Janus made a mental note to go take a look at the damage as fast as possible. They could all be kids, but Janus knew very well he was the only responsible there. 

"I don't like it...!" Creativity replied, sounding like a child who doesn't want to eat salad. Janus sighed as his thoughts were interrupted, conjuring a bottle of perfume and poured it in the meal. 

"Now eat" and so he did. Virgil raised an eyebrow, but he was smiling, trying not to be so worried. Or at least not demonstrate it. After so many times, he should be used to it, but... well, he was Fear. It was his job to keep track of the worst case scenarios.

"Did he get better?"

"On the contrary. The fever is higher than ever"

"And I also feel like someone ripped my bones out of my skin and then put them back, but like... in the wrong way" Remus added, spilling hot soup all over the sheet and his clothes by trying to communicate with his mouth full. 

"So it's one of those nights" Virgil mumbled.

"I'm afraid so" 

Remus finished his soup smiling like there was no tomorrow, opening his arms despite how much that simple gesture hurted "Game night while I'm dying!" Janus smiled, with more sadness in his eyes than anything else. 

"I'll get the monopoly"

•••

"I won"

"No, you did fucking not" Remus immediately answered, not even looking away from his cards.

"You can see for yourself" Janus showed his game, which clearly meant a victory, indeed. Remus tossed his cards on the sheet like it was their fault. He was so fucking close!

"You cheated" Virgil said sharply, as if it was an undeniable fact. 

"Do you have any proof? Janus challenged, not losing a beat or his mischievous smile.

"Yeah. It's the only thing you know how to do" the teenager replied, his tone as cold as a lake in the winter. Janus looked down before he could help himself. Couldn't he keep it down for at least one night? The night Remus needed both of them?

The cards caught fire. It was an accident, but Remus decided to go with that, jumping out of the sheets, trying to ignore the terrible twist that movement gave to his stomach. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he threw up. At least that way these two would stop fucking fighting. 

"What the hell?!" Virgil exclaimed, tossing his game away like it was burning. Which was the case, indeed.

"Let's watch a horror movie!" Well, he got their attention. 

"Did you need to burn things before saying that?!" Virgil screamed. He was standing and seemed even more distressed.This was a mistake, Janus realized. It was foolish to think they could ignore their differences for the sake of Remus. 

"It's more fun this way! What can it be? One of the classics? Some shitty obscure one?" He kept trying, getting out of bed and walking toward Virgil, who walked away from him. Janus immediately got up too, already anticipating the disaster that situation could turn to. A worst one. Because it was already a disaster. 

"Please, control yourselves"

"I'm controlled! I'm not the one burning things" Virgil replied, the trace of the tempestuous tongue in his voice proving that he was anything but in control. 

"Remus, please. Apologize for burning the cards"

"It's just some stupid paper!

"Now"

"It was a fucking accident"

"We all know it wasn't" Janus almost, almost told Virgil to shut up after that. But he didn't need to make things worse than they already were.

"It was a fucking accident" his voice started getting threatened, his eyes started shining with a red danger "But you know what wouldn't be a fucking accident? if I..." his vision went black, a headache that felt like someone had opened his skull being everything that existed and then not even that. 

Anxiety got out of the room immediately after his friend fainted, keeping his gaze to the ground, knowing that he wouldn't be able to stand any amount of time alone with Deceit. 

•••

   Remus wished he was real, so he would be dead. 

   He felt like someone had catched his body on fire, then hit his head with an axe, then exchanged his blood for poison and his bones with knives. 

   "I knew you were stupid, but not stupid enough to try and suggest an idea for Thomas. On your own. After terrorizing him the whole night. Literally hours after recovering from your last..." Janus looked down at his friend, in one of the only moments he didn't try to hide his emotions. Fear. Somebody had to fill the vacancy now that Virgil is gone, I suppose. 

   "It was..." He coughed blood. "A good idea"

   "Oh yeah, I'm sure he thought the same" Janus rolled his eyes. Remus tried to say that he would be fine, but his throat still hurt from the acid of his stomach and the scratching of his coughs. 

   "I told you to not do anything too dangerous. We are..." he looked down to his gloves which, as he knew, covered up for the scales that apparently had decided that half of his face was not punishment enough. "In a delicate situation, now that..."

   "The emo is gone. I know" Remus completed, his voice not much more than a whisper. 

   "Oh please, no. We are better off without him haunting us all day. If he prefers to deal with them, the only thing I feel is pity" anyone else would have believed that. Remus knew it was bullshit the second those words left his mouth. But he didn't say that. Mostly because he was feeling nauseous again and he learned that, apparently, people don't like if you throw up while trying to talk to them. 

   Janus stayed in silence for a couple more seconds, then something changed in his eyes and he got up.

   "Well, if you need me, I'll be reading" said, but before he could go too far, Remus grabbed the bottom of his coat, deciding to make use of his positions of creativity, as with a snap of his fingers green words appeared in the air:

   "It's game night, not a fucking book club"

   "I don't think you're able to play games right now"

   "I've never been better in my entire fucking life"

   The words glitched as his consciousness stumbled. 

   "Remus"

   "You've been reading, studying, planning, whatever every fucking time we were together" he finally was able to find his voice again "Is it me, Virgil, or just you being a dick? 

   "You need to rest"

   "I'm gonna vomit on your shoes"

   Janus sighed, sitting again on the bed. 

   "What do you propose?"

   "Truth or dare" Janus never plays truth or dare. The two of them, Virgil and Remus, would play it at any given opportunity, on the other hand. 

   "Don't test me"

   Floating words again: "I'm gonna take it easy"

   "You never take it easy."

   Remus frowned. 

   "Ok" the half-snake man sighed "let's find a compromise: I can play Never Have I Ever" 

   Remus smiled diabolically. So they had a deal. 

•••

   "Finally! It's been so long since our last sleepover!"

   "This is anything but a sleepover" Janus replied, not looking away from his book.

   "Yes it is! We're sleeping together not in a sexual way and wearing pajamas.

   "I'm not-" Remus snapped his fingers and suddenly Janus had a yellow onesie on. "...I'm not having a sleepover with you. And you're not even that bad"

   "But I'll be. And in the meantime... Please play truth or dare with me just this time please please" he said in one breath. 

   "You already know my opinion about this game"

   "I know that you like it! You would always laugh and even participate when me and Virgin played!" Janus flinched.

   "That was a long time ago"

   "Just two rounds!" 

   "I..."

   "C'mon! You're not gonna lose an arm if you play just one time. And even if you did, you would still have five perfectly good ones left"

  Janus hesitated. He knew Remus would get worse. It was obvious by the tiredness in his voice, even when he was so excited. And how pale he was. How deep his eyeshadow appeared, making him seem like a dead body. 

   He sighed. Remus smiled from ear to ear. Literally.

   "Truth or dare?!" Asked as if he was a child whose birthday had come earlier.

   "Dare, obviously" Janus said, unable to stop himself from smiling at his friend's happiness, even though they both knew it wouldn't last long. 

   But that was okay. Because they would have one another. And that was enough. It had to be.

[angstyaches]

Oooh, could you possibly do "Have you eaten today?" for the prompt meme?

Thank you for this, anon! (Sorry it took so long, *gulp*.) This is while Shayne’s at the Aldridge townhouse, still settling in and getting to know Felix. 

I HAVE written the conversation Shayne has with Ryan. Please let me know if you’re interested in seeing that posted soon!

CW: hunger, disordered eating, past trauma, food issues, angst.

When to stop talking, and when to start

(Three Boys in a Townhouse)

Shayne stopped at the bottom of the stairs, rubbing at his eyes and shivering. He’d only come down for some water, but now it seemed he was having auditory hallucinations. The TV in the front room of the Devine’s mansion had never worked, but there was a low hum of unfamiliar voices and applause and music leaking from the direction of the front room, and  –

He looked around as he took his hands away from his eyes. The hallway walls were painted crisp white, lit only by a boxy white lamp on an iron dresser; if he were back with the Devines, he’d be looking at Madelyn’s antique display cabinet against a burgundy wall, lit by a handful of candles, if lit at all. But he was miles away, in the Aldridge townhouse.

A low groan of confusion escaped from deep in his chest. He was dizzy and a bit nauseous, now that he took a moment to check in with himself. He rubbed half-consciously at a dull ache in his belly, stopping himself when he realised someone could come into the hallway and see him at any time.

You think your petty ailments matter in the grand scheme of things? The sound of Madelyn’s voice was as clear in his head as it had been in whatever dream had disoriented him. Shayne cleared his throat and tried to look more alive than he felt as he turned left at the end of the stairs, towards the kitchen.

He wasn’t sure if it was the solid day of study or the intense twenty-minute nap he’d just woken up from, but something had seriously messed up his head, along with his body. He felt like he was either going to retch or feel his knees buckle under him at any second, and he just wanted to grab a drink quickly, and get back upstairs before he bumped into Elliott, or Nancy, or Ryan, or especially –

“Oh, hey, Shayne!”

The kitchen was as monochromatic as every other room in the house, with white lighting that was almost offensive. Shayne wasn’t used to seeing the corners of furniture, the details in floor and wall tiles, so clearly. It was like an assault on his senses and didn’t help with the queasy ache in his stomach.

He blinked at the sight of Felix, and again at the smell of food cooking. It must have been earlier in the evening than he’d thought. The air was mostly full of the smell of hot oil, and a lot of steam that was coming from a stocky white contraption next to the microwave.

Felix had been standing near the white appliance and checking his phone, but had looked up at the sudden movement in the doorway.

“Evening,” he said, a soft smile splitting his face.

“Hey,” Shayne said, unable to suppress a shiver. He hadn’t realised just how cold he was until he felt the warmth in the air from food being cooked. He shoved his hands into his pockets, wishing the kitchen had been empty. “Sorry, I’ll be out of your way in a minute.”

“Aw, buddy, you can be in my way all you like.” Felix laid his phone down on the countertop and casually folded his arms. “We nearly straight-up forgot you were in the house. You’ve been revising all day?”

“Pretty much.” Shayne felt Felix watching him as he took down a glass and went to fill it up from the sink. He took a few sips to try to calm the weird shakiness, but the sensation of the cold liquid running down made him shiver again.

“Yeah, its chilly tonight,” Felix said, as though agreeing with something Shayne had said aloud. “Elli and I have got a fire going in the front room. You could bring your books downstairs and study down here, unless the TV would be too distracting.”

Shayne took another sip of water, his hand weirdly unsteady, as he considered the offer. Being near a fire sounded nice, but it wasn’t the TV he was most concerned about being in a room with. Elliott had seemed so cold the past few days, and Shayne didn’t know how to deal with him. Another reason he’d been basically isolating himself in his room.

“I know it probably seems like he’s annoyed and doesn’t want to see you,” Felix admitted, as though he’d somehow read Shayne’s mind. “But Elliott’s just – he’s reluctant to make the first move, after everything. He can be stubborn as hell sometimes. I guess you’ve got that in common, and that’s why you clash horns so often.”

Shayne lifted his head in surprise, the shakiness in his bones suddenly feeding into panicked defensiveness. “I’m not stubborn. Am I?”

“Um, of course not. What was I thinking?” Felix visibly chewed his lip and turned his gaze away. “I think I know the answer to this, bud, but have you eaten today?”

Shayne shook his head slightly. He hadn’t, but he was fine with that. He didn’t want to ask anything of the Aldridges, aside from the space he’d been given to use. Space couldn’t be used up; he could leave the bedroom in the exact same state he’d found it in. It’d be like he was never there, eventually, and he wouldn’t have to feel that he owed them anything.

He’d been feeling so sick and stressed that the thought of food genuinely wasn’t appealing anyway; in fact, the lack of food in his system should have reduced the nausea that had been coming and going since he’d arrived at the townhouse, but somehow it hadn’t.

“You know you…” Felix grimaced and trailed off, seeming unsure of whether he was supposed to laugh now or not.

Shayne gulped against a swelling sensation in his chest. The flash of sympathy he’d just seen in Felix’s eyes reminded him way too much of Charlie’s questions, Charlie’s attempts to feed him, Charlie’s soft expression as he tried to understand. The hollow ache in the pit of his stomach seemed to sharpen slightly; damn it, he’d almost lasted the whole day without letting himself dwell on Charlie…

“You know you’re allowed to eat, right?” Felix finally finished, lowering his voice. “The kitchen’s not just here for show.”

“I – yeah, I know,” he tried to say matter-of-factly. His hands burrowed into the pockets of his jeans and his shoulders tensed so suddenly that they ached.

“You can eat with us in a little while, if you’re hungry,” Felix offered.

Eating with Felix and Elliott. Eating with two whole people; being near them while he put food in his mouth and chewed it up and swallowed it. One person he barely knew and didn’t know how to act around, and one person who pretty thought he was a psychopath. The whole thing sounded like a horror movie scenario.

“Thanks,” he said flatly, gulping against the fear gurgling up the back of his throat. “I’m not hungry.”

“That’s a shame, it’s just – I forgot that Nancy would be out tonight,” Felix went on, glancing towards the white appliance, which was expelling a lot less steam than it had been before, “so I’ve actually made more than enough for the three of us, especially since Elli eats so little nowadays. I always overestimate how much rice I need to make.”

Shayne lowered his gaze again at the mention of Elliott’s name, but looked up again at the white appliance on the countertop. “That thing is for rice?”

“Oh – yeah, you’ve never seen one of these?” Felix’s eyes lit up a little as he looked at the machine too. “It makes the rice come out sooo soft and fluffy, you have no idea. I fried some chicken earlier to go with it.”

Shayne suddenly recognised the sharp ache that had crept down under his ribs and seemed to have wrapped itself around his insides. He moved a hand from the pocket of his jeans and into the pocket of the hoodie he was wearing – Charlie’s – so he could put a little pressure on his stomach.

“My friend Kazu’s older sister taught me how to fry chicken. It’s called karaage in Japanese,” Felix was continuing. “I definitely don’t do it justice, but I like to think I’ve perfected it in my own way over the years. The coating is just slightly crispy, and the chicken stays juicy on the inside. It goes so well with the rice.”

Shayne held his breath and stared at the black and white floor tiles. He really wanted to think of something to say as he felt his stomach start to cramp.

He wanted words to come out of his mouth and distract from what he knew was coming, but his mind went completely blank except for the hot sting of embarrassment.

The deep, traitorous rumble started under his ribs, and even when he pressed his hand a little harder against his belly, the sound still swelled. The pain twisted deeper into his stomach too, making it hard not to wince.

“Are you okay?” Felix asked quietly, after letting a couple of seconds of silence pass over.

Shayne glanced up, his skin still feeling hot with shame at being caught, not only in the lie about not being hungry, but also in this state of needing something. Felix’s easy smile made the tension in his shoulders loosen slightly.

“How about I put some food aside for you to take up to your room?”

“You don’t have to do that,” Shayne said quickly, scratching at his neck. Despite everything, he had to admit to himself that he felt a bit… relieved, at the thought of being able to eat alone.

“I do, actually.” Felix pointed to his own ears. “Even half-vamps have heightened senses, buddy. Elli and I won’t get any sleep if your stomach’s gonna growl like that all night.”

The humiliation clawed at Shayne’s skin like a physical thing, so overpowering that he thought he was going to finally retch. Madelyn’s voice played over his own thoughts again, her tone so sharp it made him jump on the spot.

If you love making stuff disappear down that throat of yours so much, why don’t you make yourself useful and make sure it’s a demon? Instead of wasting actual food and making a pathetic weakling of yourself –

“I’m kidding, bud.” Felix leaned his elbows on the island in the middle of the kitchen and tilted his head to smile up at him. “Hey, I’m really sorry. Okay? I’m – I’m just an idiot over here, not knowing when to stop talking...”

The end of Felix’s sentence melted off into a chuckle, though it sounded off. Heavy. It didn’t sound like Felix. Shayne’s shoulders tensed again as he realised it was his fault. If he could figure out when to start talking, maybe people wouldn’t get so uncomfortable around him.

His belly started to growl again, though this time he just placed his hand over it, feeling a bit defeated. Felix’s gaze flicked up and he gave Shayne a weak half-smile.

“If I leave food for you, will you eat it?” 

Shayne tried to make himself nod, but when he finally managed to, he also found that tears had sprung to his eyes. He gulped and fought them back, but couldn’t stop his hands from shaking; though he was no longer sure if it was from emotion, or the cold, or the hunger that was clearly sapping his energy. He folded his arms tightly across his middle and stared at the floor tiles again.

“You should...” Felix trailed off, and didn’t start again until Shayne reluctantly met his gaze. “You should talk to Ryan about - about whatever. She acts a bit like a robot, but she’s understanding, and - well, she’s good at fixing problems.”

Shayne nodded wordlessly, curling his arms a little tighter against his stomach as another noisy vibration began. He let himself let out a small groan this time, reckoning it was better than awkward silence.

“I’ll leave yours in the microwave,” Felix said, standing up from where he’d been leaning over the countertop. “You can go, if you don’t want to be here when Elliott comes out.”

Shayne glanced towards the kitchen door, already feeling a little anxious at the thought of seeing Elliott. But like Felix had said, Elliott probably wasn’t going to make the first move, so maybe... maybe Shayne had to. 

“It’s okay, I’ll wait,” he said, swallowing hard as he met Felix’s gaze again. “Do, um, do you need help with anything?”

[celest1all]

stress free | draco x reader

request: Hey can you write a draco x reader where te reader is easily stressed and it’s exams time so she is really stressed like she gets to the point of vomit and she forgets to eat so she is feeling really bad like headache and dizzy but draco takes care of her thanks!!! ❤️

a/n: this is set in year 5, so when Umbridge was at Hogwarts (she is also in this one shot aha)

warning(s): umbridge since she deserves her own warning, forgetting to eat, vomiting, fluff, idk.

tag list (if you would like to be added, feel free to ask <3); @accio-rogers / @angelinathebook / @strawberriesonsummer / @theojuicee / @coldlilheart

>masterlist<

You were currently hunched over a book in the library, with nothing but the sound of rain pattering down on the windows to keep you company. You estimated that you had been there for about 4 hours, but you weren’t entirely sure. All that you were sure of, was that you were extremely tired and your back was aching badly.

You had been studying non stop for the last two weeks because the O.W.L’s were getting closer with every passing day. And you were stressing. The new professor — who had coincidentally taken over the entire school — was supposed to help you pass the exams, but when it was clear she wasn’t going to, you decided to take it into your own hands.

A small part of you were aware of the fact that it was time to go to the Great Hall for dinner, but the other part — the part that was solely focused on success — won. So you powered on through, gathering more and more books to fill your brain with as much material as possible.

Meanwhile, Draco was in the Great Hall waiting rather impatiently. You told him that you would meet him so you could eat together, but here he was, alone. After a few more minutes of smelling the mouth watering food that was laid out infront of him, he caved and began piling the delicious goods onto his plate.

******

“Are you alright, [Y/N]?” Hermione asked you with furrowed eyebrows as she examined your green-ish face.

You nodded slightly and took a deep breath. “Yeah, we can’t be late otherwise Umbridge will most likely have our heads.”

Hermione was hesitant, “Are you sure? You look like you’re about to — ” Before she could finish her sentence, you hunched over and leaned a hand onto the wall. You dry heaved in the corner of the corridoor, nothing actually coming out of your mouth due to forgetting to eat. “ — be sick.” Hermione finished, rubbing your back.

You wiped your mouth before standing up right. “You go, ‘mione. I don’t want you to get into trouble.”

“What about you?”

“I’m going to head to the girls lavatories.” You wobbled slightly on your feet, feeling extremely dizzy.

“But Umbridge — ” You shook your head at her and explained that you couldn’t give two shits about the pink obsessed professor at this time, to which she just laughed and bid you a goodbye.

Luckily for you, the bathrooms weren’t that far away so you managed to get there rather quickly. You were in there for about fifteen minutes before you headed back to DADA.

You walked in and you were met with Umbridge smiling rather scarily at you. “Thanking you for gracing us with your presence, Miss [L/N].”

You nodded at her and looked around the room, locking eyes with your boyfriend, Draco Malfoy. You smiled slightly at him and he sent a worried glance your way before turning around and facing the front. You frowned but directed your gaze towards the Professor infront of you.

“Due to your tardiness, you have been given a detention. Meet me after class, Miss [L/D].” She finished her sentence with the giggle everyone hated so much.

Not really knowing how to reply, you simply nodded again and found your seat. You caught the eye of Hermione who gave you a sad smile. You mouthed that it was okay to her and faced the front.

The class felt like it lasted longer than it normally did — probably because you couldn’t keep your eyes open — but it finally ended. You waited for Draco outside the classroom like you normally did, and he welcomed you with concern written onto his face.

“What?” You asked curiously. He carried on frowning at you. “What??”

“Have you been sick?” He questioned whilst inspecting your face intently. You widened your eyes slightly but then shook your head at him. “Don’t lie to me, [Y/N].”

“I haven’t.” You nibbled on your bottom lip, looking anywhere but in his eyes. “I gotta go otherwise I’m going to be late for detention with Umbridge.”

You started to say your goodbye and turn around before Draco grabbed your arm and made you face him.

He stared at you for a few seconds before sighing, “Be careful.”

You weren’t entirely sure what he was asking you to be careful about, but nodded at him either way. “I will.” With that, you kissed his cheek and began making your way to the part of the day you’ve been dreading since you got given detention.

Once you walked into her office, you were greeted with the sound of cats meowing and Umbridge smiling at you...once again.

“Good evening, Miss [L/D].” She greeted, making you cringe inwardly.

“Uh, good evening.” You returned, glancing around the room.

“Feel free to take a seat.” She motioned to the pink chairs in her office. You did as she said and waited for the next piece of information.

“You’re going to be doing some lines for me today, Miss [L/D].” You started to get your quill out from you bag but was stopped by the sound of her voice. “No, not with your quill. You will be using a very special one of mine.”

You watched her move towards you and place the quill next to the parchment that was on the table infront of you. You frowned and said, “I haven’t got any ink.”

“Oh, you won’t need any ink.” She replied from behind you.

“What do you want me to write?” You were beginning to get irritated but tried not to let it show.

“I must be on time.” You rolled your eyes and began to write. You wrote about two lines before your hand you weren’t using to write with, started to hurt. You started to feel nauseous again but you carried on nonetheless.

After another line of writing I must be on time you looked at the back of your hand. There you saw the words being scratched into your hands. You winced due to the pain and you could vaguely feel Umbridge moving around you. Oh, how you so wanted to hit right now. You probably would have if you didn’t feel like you were going to heave again.

You stared at her for a second, “Yes?”

You debated whether or not you should say something, but you didn’t want to get in trouble again. “Nothing.”

Umbridge let you leave, thankfully, so you started to walk back to your common room. Unfortunately, the feeling that you were going to throw up again washed over you. You stopped where you were and leaned against the wall.

“You’re under too much stress, love.” You could smell the scent of your boyfriend before he even began speaking. “When was the last time you did something other than study?”

You rubbed your forehead and willed yourself to not vomit — if what you did earlier was considered vomiting — but it apparently didn’t work. Your head pounded whilst your stomach contracted, making you dry heave infront of the person you love most in this world.

Draco widened his eyes at the sight before him. He panicked slightly, but he quickly realised he should be doing something to comfort you. He rubbed circles on your back and made sure that you were not going to hurl before you stood up straight.

“That’s it, you’re having a stress free day tomorrow.” He stated, leaving no room for disagreement.

“I’ve got to study for the O.W.L’s, Draco.” You pouted.

“You’ve made yourself physically sick, [Y/N]. You’re having a stress free day.” You looked up at him and smiled softly.

“Okay.” You agreed, a grin making it’s way onto his perfect face.

“And if you ever push yourself this hard again, I’ll hex you.” You both laughed at his joke, well, you hoped it was a joke.

“Thank you.”

“Any time.”

Draco took your hand into his and rubbed his thumb over your hand, which coincidentally, was the hand that had been scratched into. You tried to hide the wince, but he quickly looked down.

“What the fuck?!” He yelled quite loudly.

“Shush!” You surveyed your surroundings just to ensure no one was around. “Look, it’s fine.”

“Oh yeah, seems like it.” Draco replied sarcastically. “Did Umbridge do that to you?”

You waited a few seconds before nodding at him. “Don’t do anything, please.” You said to him, hoping he would understand.

He was going to argue with you, to tell you that she shouldn’t be able to get away with practically torturing you just because you were late, but the look on your face caused him back down.

“Okay.” He sighed.

“I love you.” You smiled up at him. Draco was slightly taken aback due to the fact you’ve never actually told him that before. He saw the flash of rejection go through your face when he didn’t say it back, “I love you too.”

You both ended up breaking out into shit-eating grins. “This doesn’t mean we aren’t having a stress free day, tomorrow.” Draco sent a pointed look your way.

“Yes, sir.” You rolled your eyes at him, the smile still evident on your face.

“Come on,” He pulled you along side him when he started to walk away. “Let’s get something to eat. You must be starving.”

You hummed in agreement, starting to feel less and less stressed as the night went on. You could definitely get used to that.

[marvinswriting]

stupid social experiment

Disclaimer: there is no logic and this would not happen in real life but its a shrink fic and those are never quite logical are they..... anyway be ready for frustrating levels of inaccuracy, I'm sorry Tw: it's a long fic, a lot happens, there's a bunch. D slur, shots, falling, fainting, extreme fear, the usual

minimal to no mean girls knowledge needed for this fic

This was bound to be stupid as fuck.

Northshore doesn't get picked for anything good.

So this "social experiment" was going to be boring. 

Calling it now.

We don't even know what it's about. Parents know. They signed a bunch of forms.

We don't know who is running it, what they're trying to study, any of it.

If it's just a Here's What You Do episode I'm dropping out of high school.

"Janis!" An arm wraps around my shoulder and I turn to see Damian. 

"Hey," I show him the slip of paper I was handed. "I've been randomly selected for the experiment. Why are they calling it an experiment? What is it?! What are they going to do to me?" I flop against Damian dramatically and he laughs.

"Jan, your mom signed off on whatever it's about. I'm sure you're fine."

"Well, I hope so. Because they want me in the library right now."

Damian tsks. "I'll either see you at lunch or the next period if it takes too long."

I nod. "Right."

Damian squeezes my shoulder before breaking away, heading to the lunchroom. "Love you!"

"Love you too." I mumble, making way to the library.

There's a teacher outside, keeping watch, and all windows to the libraries are covered.

A pit forms in my stomach.

Whats this experiment about that requires so much secrecy.

"Hello, Janis." The teacher nods. She's a short English teacher I had last year. 

Hated her, she never let Damian and I sit together.

"The library is closed today, I'm sorry."

"I'm here for the-" My voice falters as I lift the paper. "Thing."

She nods, opening the door.

The library is filled with students and people I've never seen before. There's a cloth creating a barrier from the entrance to the library and the back, with students and workers walking in and out.

"Hey, love!" There is a lady at the main desk who I've never seen before. Definitely not a librarian. "Can I get you checked in?"

"Yeah, Uh- what's this all about?"

"Surprise." The lady says with a wink. "Name?"

"Janis, Sarkisian. S-A-R-K-I-S-I-A-N."

"Alrighty, Janis. Height and grade?"

Height and grade?!

Why hight?

"I- uh, senior. And 5'10?"

"Lovely. You can go right back and sit in one of those chairs while you wait."

I frown but walk over to the clump of chairs anyway.

Aaron Samuels sat in one of the chairs to the far right. He gave me a slight nod before looking away.

Whatever.

Better than how most people treated space dyke.

The curtain behind me pulled back revealing Regina Geroge walking through.

 I instantly looked to the ground, avoiding all eye contact.

Revenge party was last year. Yeah, we both apologized, but that didn't make us friends.

Nowhere near, actually. 

"Coco, Sarkisian, and Samuels?" A professional doctor person pulled back the curtain, calling names off a clipboard. A couple of us got up, walking back.

My heart was pounding out of anxiety and curiosity.

I hated being on camera. Were they gonna interview me?

"Please sit down for your shots?"

"Our what?" Aaron asked.

"You mean a photo, right?" Somebody called from behind me.

"No, like the quick pinch with a needle. You may each take a seat."

I froze.

No.

Nope.

Nu-uh.

"I don't do- needles." I say, stepping backward.

The doctor sighed. "A fear of needles is normal, I'll make it quick."

Why do we need shots for a social experiment?

"You can find somebody else." I say, shaking my head. "I'm not kidding. I kicked a nurse once."

The doctor just chuckled, guiding me to a chair. "Relax, deep breaths, it won't be too bad."

I wanted to scream and cry, thrash around because what the fuck has my mom signed me up for- but I can't do that in the fucking high school library.

Instead, I let the "doctor" clean my arm, scrunching my eyes tight and cringing.

I flinch when I feel a pinch in my arm, followed by a quick tap with a bandaid.

"All done. See? Not so bad."

Debatable.

"What was that?" I ask, getting up.

The doctor smiled. "All part of the social experiment."

Don't I have the right to fucking know what's just been injected into me?

Did I just get a heroin addiction?

Shane Madej’s fears seem a lot more relevant now.

The doctor hands me a lollipop. "Only for the best patients."

I frown, but take it anyway.

One weird social experiment.

-

"A shot?" 

"A shot."

Janis had just joined Damian and I at the lunch table, telling us about the social experiment.

"They gave me a butterscotch lollipop. I don't even like butterscotch!" Janis whined. "Want it, Cady?"

I shake my head. "I'm good."

"Damian?"

The boy takes the lollipop without hesitation. "But you hate shots."

"I do. I'm surprised I didn't puke."

"No kicking the nurse?"

"No."

"This is good!" Damian grinned. "A big step."

"There's gotta be a law about injecting people with random needles and not telling them." I say.

Janis just shook her head. "You would think so."

-

"Regina!" Gretchen ran up to me. "Any updates about that shot you got?"

I shrug. "No Gretch. And it's been a week. I doubt anything is going to happen."

I've been going into the library every day to get my vitals rechecked. 

No changes.

Some social experiment.

Gretchen nodded. "Well then if you're up for it, maybe we could throw a party this weekend?"

I shrugged. "Let's ask Karen about it at lunch."

Gretchen nodded, typing away in her phone. "Let's go to the cafeteria."

I nod, turning on my heels and stepping away from the locker. 

My limbs feel funny, like tv static all over.

Not painful and nowhere near enough to be concerning, but- odd.

-

"Aaron, you need to pay attention." I scold. 

"Cady, my head hurts. Can we take a small break." Aaron shakes his head. "I don't know what's up with me." It's Aaron and I's lunch period and while Aaron is great, I would much rather spend it with Janis and Damian right now.

I sigh. "Sure. Let me know when you feel better." 

Aaron nods, taking a sip of his water. I look back down to my notes trying to prepare what to do next.

I can hear Aaron place his water bottle back down, letting out a pitiful moan.

"Aaron, if you really feel sick maybe it's best you go ho-" I look up but Aaron isn't there anymore. "Aaron?"

-

Damian and I walked through the halls idly. It was almost the end of our lunch period and we didn't really have anywhere to be. 

"Dame, my head is pounding." I groan. 

Everything felt off. It started small- a minor headache that formed last period, but now everything hurt. I felt nauseous, my head may explode, my limbs felt heavy, and my vision was swarming.

Damian took no pity in me. "This is what three all-nighters in a row does to you Jan. I love you and I wish I could help, you should have gone to bed last night when I told you too."

"Something tells me this isn't lack of sleep." I mumble, looking down. My vision had fully become a swarm of grey haze.

"You got sick because of a shity immune system because of lack of sleep."

He doesn't believe me. 

I mean, he shouldn't.

He's right, I have a history of bad habits getting me sick.

But,

"Damian that's not-" I take a shuddering breath and stop walking. My entire body feels numb and broken. "That's not it."

Was this death?

It ached to the point of sharp pain.

"C'mon Jan." I could faintly hear Damian keep walking over a harsh ringing in my ears.

"I- ah-"

My knees were buckling, everything burned. Why does it burn? 

I could vaguely feel my knees hit the cold tile before I felt nothing.

Not that it lasted long.

Or maybe it did.

I fucking passed out.

My vision was blurry as I peered down at the tile. The ring in my ear was fading but my body still had an overall ache. I didn't want to move. I didn't want to lift my head. 

I just wanted to lay back down.

But- 

The bell was gonna ring and seeing space dyke just lying on her stomach probably was just gonna get me teased.

I sit up, ignoring the way my stomach twists and look up-

-what the fuck?

What the fuck what the fuck what the fresh ever-loving godsend of a fuck?

Even through the blurry haze covering my vision, I could tell something was wrong.

The lockers in front of me were big.

Not big, fucking huge.

The other set of lockers I had pushed myself against were the same. The tiles underneath me weren't an exception. 

The entire hallway was hu-

No.

I've seen the movies.

I know where this goes.

I'm just really small.

Somehow- that realization didn't sit much better with me.

My stomach twists again as I look down.

Maybe I was still passed out?

Was this a weird hallucination?

Something deep down told me that wasn't the case.

"Janis?"

I freeze. 

My breath feels caught in my throat.

I know that voice.

It's loud and echoes through the halls, but I know that voice.

I don't raise my head, I don't think I can physically bring myself to move, to react, to respond. 

I'm frozen. Maybe it's fear, maybe its denial that this is actually happening.

From my peripheral vision, I can see sneakers a couple feet away.

Giant fucking sneakers.

Too close.

Too big.

I know who owns a pair like that.

I force myself to look up slowly, ignoring the dull thump in my head.

Damian stood a little further down the hall at his full height.

How I should be right now.

He looked down at me with wide eyes, probably having the same moment I'm having. 

Everything is so big.

Except for me.

Oh god.

My throat is dry and if feels like air isn't properly getting to my lungs as it should. 

Damian, my best friend, who was tall normally, now quite literally towered over me. 

Neither of us said anything.

Neither of us moved.

My brain was still trying to process the situation.

This had to be a weird fucking dream.

Right?

Damian was right, I need more sleep, so my body forced shut down and now I've got a nightmare.

Right?

My mind thinks back to the shot I got Monday. Five days later and nothing changed- until now.

Was this-

Was this part of the experiment?

"Hey, Jan?" Damian's voice is soft, but that doesn't make it quiet.

To me, at least.

"Are you okay?"

I don't respond. I can't bring myself to. I'm frozen.

I'm tiny.

I've been shrunken and now I'm in the middle of a giant ass high school hallway, unmoving.

What the fuck?

What the fuck.

"The bell is gonna ring. You can't just sit there." Damian talks again.

I give a small nod, not really paying attention.

How could I? 

I was four inches tall- at most.

The world that was normally just scary was now big and scary.

I look back down to the floor underneath me. I can't look up, I don't want to look up.

This was just a weird fucking dream.

It had to be.

"Jan-" Damian's voice is full of worry.

My total silence probably isn't helping.

There's movement out of the corner of my eye as Damian steps forward.

"No!" 

My head snaps up as I push myself back.

Damian freezes, visibly surprised by the sudden outbursts.

"Please. Just- not yet. I-" I look at my hand that pressed onto the ground. It's so small compared to the pattern in the tile. 

I'm so small.

I bite my lip, trying not to cry. It'd be stupid to cry. Crying won't fucking fix this.

"I'm sorry." I whisper. I know Damian can't hear it. I don't look back at him. 

I don't want to see the hurt and worry on his face.

Stupid fucking social experiment.

Damian knelt down but it didn't help. 

Everything was so big. 

What the fuck. 

"Jan?" His voice was softer this time. "You okay?" 

I gazed up at him, he looked as scared as I felt. But- so tall. 

"I'm-" My voice trails off. What do you say in this circumstance? 

The hell if I were to know. Damian frowns. 

"The bell is gonna ring, Janis. We gotta get you somewhere."

I push myself further against the wall. 

I knew what he was implying.

I'd have to move.

He'd have to pick me up.

This was Damian. He wouldn't hurt me. 

But I'm so small. 

What if something happened? 

What if I fell? 

"Janis," I can hear the stress in Damian's voice. "I'm not gonna touch you unless you say okay. But- we're running out of time here."

I rub my hands up and down my fishnets nervously. "O-okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah." I push myself off the locker, taking a deep breath.

It's just Damian, it's just Damian, it's just Damian.

Damian leans forward slowly, like he was scared to set me off again. 

Everything about seeing a giant hand reach for me set off so many alarm bells in my head but I tried not to let it show.

It's just Damian, it's just Damian, it's just Damian.

I force myself to look away as his hand gently scoops me up from behind.

Woah.

That's-

-different.

Damian sits back on his heels, bringing his other hand to cup underneath me. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I- thanks." 

I've held Damian's hand before, quite often actually. But I've never been held in Damian's hand before.

It was weird.

Like, when he moved, my body felt a little delayed. I was hyper-aware of the slightest shifts. 

"I'm gonna get up now." Damian warns me. 

He shifts me gently into one hand and holds it closer to his chest as he sits up.

I grab onto his fingers at the sudden change in altitude. It was only a couple feet but it left me a little nauseated. 

Damian freezes. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good. Sorry just-"

"Don't apologize." Damian says softly.

I know he's scared, maybe even as terrified as me. But I'm not sure how to comfort him. 

I fit in his hand. 

I can hardly do much.

"I'm gonna find an empty classroom, okay?"

"Alright." I don't let go of his finger as he begins walking, pulling me closer. 

-

"Regina, please calm down"

"Calm down?! Gretchen did you just tell me to calm down?! I am the size of a Crayola Crayon and your gonna tell me to calm the fuck down?!"

Gretchen blinked at me, her mouth agape.

I groaned, placing my head in my hands. One minute I'm sitting at my lunch table complaining of a headache, the next I'm passed out on the lunch table.

"You're kinda cute at this size. Like a doll." Karen smiled. 

"Well, I'm not supposed to be a doll, Karen!"

I didn't seem to be the only person in the cafeteria having this issue. The entire room was just general panic all around.

"Regina, I know your upset but please don't stand so close to the edge of the table-" 

I look back to Gretchen just in time to see a hand reach for me.

"Stop!" I hold my hands out defensively, taking like seven steps backward. 

Gretchen's hand falls back into her lap and she stares at me wide-eyed. "Regina I'm sorry, I just-"

"I don't need your help." I say through gritted teeth. 

I feel pathetic for getting freaked over a hand. Gretchen's hand no less.

There were tears in my eyes and my heart was pounding. 

This is embarrassing.

"Are you crying?"

"No, Karen. I'm not."

"Gretchen, I think she's crying."

I can't help but laugh at the blonde in front of me. It's a short, bitter laugh, but it's a laugh.

Karen seems to take this as a win as she hums contently, turning back to her phone.

Gretchen is staring at the hand in her lap and I feel a wave of guilt wash over me. 

It's not her fault I freaked out.

I look down at my body.

Tiny.

There's no way I'm traveling around on my own.

I'm gonna need Gretchen and Karen. 

I can't keep yelling at them.

I wipe the tears away from my eyes, stepping forward. 

"Hey, Gretch?"

"Yeah?" She doesn't look away from her hand. 

"I'm sorry for uh- lashing out. It wasn't your fault."

Gretchen looks up at me like she's never heard an apology before. Probably not from me at least.

Maybe it's selfish to only apologize when it benefits me. It probably is. But-

I've got bigger worries than my moral compass right now.

There's a crackling of the intercom, a lot louder than I ever remember it being. 

"The whole school to the gymnasium, asap."

"Do you think that has to do with whatever just- happened?" Gretchen motions vaguely to my small form.

"The hell if I know. Just pick me up and let's go."

Gretchen hesitates. "Are you sure? I don't want to hurt you or anything I-"

"Gretchen. I can't walk there myself."

"Right."

-

I pushed carefully through the crowds of students in the hall, extremely mindful of Aaron in my hands. 

It seems we weren't the only ones with this issue as I passed all my classmates, a couple of them also holding tiny peers.

There's a group of football jocks all traveling in a pack. "Glen Coco coming through." They yelled. 

I caught a glimpse into the center of their group and sure enough, Glen Coco sat in one of his bigger friend's hands.

"Cady!"

I turn around to see Damian coming over. "Thank god you're okay."

I nod. "Yeah, where's Janis?"

"Hey." 

I blink in disbelief at the small girl cupped in Damian's hands. She looked like she was gripping onto his pointer finger like her life depended on it.

How many students were affected?!

I frown. "I'm so sorry, Janis."

"Yeah, me too." She sighs. "Is that Aaron?!"

"Yeah." He calls from my hands. I lift him up more with a smile.

"Studying gone wrong."

Damian just shakes his head. "We were in the hallways."

We continue walking into the gymnasium. The bleachers are already pulled out and there is a man in a white coat standing at a podium. I can feel Aaron tense up in my hands as Damian and I take seats near the relative front. 

"You recognize him?" I ask. 

Aaron says something, but I can't hear him over the crowd around us.

"Hold on, Aaron." I shift my hands, bringing him up to my shoulder. "I can bearly hear you."

"Oh," He climbs on, gripping the shirt underneath him. I'm careful to remain deathly still as he sits.

That was one of the doctors who were giving shots."

I nod. "So this whole thing is related to the shrinking."

I look over to Janis, who Damian held protectively close to him. The poor girl seemed terrified and to be honest, I would be too.

The gymnasium was crowded and unnerving at my size. I can't imagine how she and Aaron feel.

I wish I could help more but everyone seemed equally at a loss of the situation.

"Janis?"

She was staring out at nothing, totally out of it.

"Hey, Jan, Cady's talking to you." Damian nudged her gently.

She blinked, shaking her head before turning to me. "You okay?" I ask.

"It's really loud," Janis says. I can tell shes yelling just to get her voice to travel so I nod instead of keeping the conversation going. 

The man-who-shot-my-friends-doctor-person stepped up to the podium, raising his hands to call for silence.

When the school had settled down, he began. I didn't pay much attention. He basically gave us his name and a vague description of his job. "Studying how society reacts to changes and new environments". He said he was excited to work with us, he had never taken his studies to a highschool. 

Basically, shrinking half the school was a change. A big one if you asked me. And they wanted to see how a much of immature teenagers react.

Don't scientists have better things to be doing?

Like curing cancer?

I felt hyper-aware of Aaron balancing carefully on my shoulder as the scientist talked. 

"It is odd that the results took a week to show." 

Aaron scoffed. He was so close to my ear that I could hear him clearly. 

"With that being said, it will be a couple of days before we've got a reverse and there's no saying how long it will be for it to kick in." 

"How long are you thinking?" A student from beside me said. 

"A week. At least." 

"A least?!" I behind me to see a small Regina rushed to the edge of Gretchen's hand, ignoring the yell Gretchen gave, curling her fingers up. "I'm gonna be like this for a fucking week?" 

I looked at Damian next to me. Janis sunk low into his hands, tears in her eyes. My heart broke slightly.

I wish I could pull her into a hug and help like she has done so many times for me.

The most scient continued. "You are all expected to continue attending class as usual. We will keep the selected student updated and-"

"Wait! How are they expected to get to class?"

"Yeah!"

"This sounds dangerous."

I nodded along to the last one. It did.

The scientist sighed. "That is for you to figure out. Now-"

-

"This is stupid. So fucking stupid." I frown. 

Damian looked down at me. "Yeah."

He was walking to his car with Cady (and Aaron and me). Damian normally drove Cady and I home but now I really needed the help.

"I'm a high school student! I should be worrying about my next chemistry exam. Not the fact that I'm three and a half inches tall."

Aaron made a noise of agreement from where he clung to Cady's shoulder.

Bold moves, dude.

I'll stay here.

Damian shifted me into one hand as he opened his car door.

"How are we gonna do this?" He mumbled, sitting down.

We were all silent for a bit.

"I could hold both of them?" Cady offered as she shifted Aaron into her hands.

"Jan, you okay with that?" Damian asked.

I trusted Cady. I really did. In the short amount of time I got to know her, she was quick to become an important person in my life.

But I barely felt comfortable with Damian right now. And it's Damian.

Still, despite all my inner turmoil, I nodded. "Yeah."

Damian gives me a look and I know he can see right through my semi brave face. But he doesn't push.

"Alright." He leans over, carefully depositing me next to Aaron and starting the car. "Aaron, are you going with Cady?"

"Yeah."

To have somebody my (new) size sitting next to me felt oddly confronting. 

Cady's hands weren't as warm as Damian's, but I knew that before. 

It was weird, to sit in a hand I used to be able to hold.

When I closed my eyes and sat shoulder to shoulder with Aaron, I could almost feel like this was normal.

-

"So, should I cancel the party this weekend?" Gretchen asked.

Karen frowned. "Not the party!"

"No, Gretchen. I may be tiny but my house fucking isn't."

"Regina, that sounds dangerous."

I scoff. "And?"

"What if you get hurt? What if any tiny gets hurt?"

"What's your point, Gretchen? If you've already decided you're gonna cancel my party, then why bother asking me?"

I don't miss the way Gretchen flinches back.

Part of me felt bad. The other part felt smug. Like even at my size, I can still call shots. I'm still in charge.

"I was just looking out for you." Gretchen says sadly.

Well, the smug feeling didn't last long.

I take a deep breath. "Then let's just reschedule for next week. I should be back by then, right?"

Gretchen gives a soft smile. "Right."

-

My house wasn't big. Just me and my mom, sometimes Damian. 

But holy fuck was it big right now.

Damian shut the front door behind him, bringing both hands underneath me.

"Ms. Sarkisian? Are you home?"

Obviously, Damian was with me. We were always together before and well- we had to be now.

At least for me.

"Is that Damian?" A familiar voice calls from the kitchen. "Janis isn't here hon, I'm sorry." 

Damian laughs nervously, holding me closer to his chest. "Actually-"

My mom emerged from the kitchen with a smile. "I thought she was coming home with you-"

Her eyes fall to Damian's hands and I wave awkwardly. 

"Oh." 

I hate having everyone's eyes on me, I hate having everyone touching me and holding me, I just hate being small in general.

I was slowly getting used to Damian holding me, and Cady wasn't that bad- 

but I wasn't ready for more.

So when my mom steps forward, I lean back into Damian's hand, hoping she'll get the hint.

She doesn't, but Damian does. He tips his hand up a bit so I fall with my back to his chest, his fingers curled over me. 

When my mom catches on, she steps back again, giving us space. "It actually worked." Her voice is filled with humor and disbelief.

"Huh?" Of course, my mom knew what she was signing me up for. But- part of me had hoped she just missed the fine print or something.

"I didn't think it would work. Especially as it got closer to the end of the week."

"Mom- you knew?"

"Well, yeah."

I push myself further against Damian. "You would do this, to your own daughter."

"It's for science! You know, I wanted to be a scientist once when I was little."

"Then you become three inches tall for science!" I don't bother to hide the anger in my voice.

I feel-

I don't know how I feel.

I don't know what to feel.

Scared? Mad? Betrayed? Shocked?

I'm terrified. And it's my mom's fault.

My mom steps backward at my sudden outburst. "Janis-"

"No." I cut her off bitterly. "We can talk later. I just- I need time. To calm down."

She nods sadly.

The worst part of it all?

My own mother can't seem to grasp why this is wrong.

She turns on her heels, going back to whatever she was doing before.

"Damian?" I ask, sinking down.

"Yeah?"

"Your house?"

"Of course."

-

"Regina, are you feeling okay?" Gretchen asked.

I turn, looking up at her. It felt weird to have to look up all the time now. We were in the Smith household because I wasn't ready to go home yet. I didn't want to face the reality of all this. 

The fact that my own parents signed off.

"Yeah, why?"

Gretchen shrugged. "You've been acting odd. Like- I know the shrinking and you've got a lot on your mind but-" Gretchen rambles trying to validate calling my actions 'odd'. "The point is- I was wondering if you were all good."

"What do you mean when you say odd?" I ask.

Gretchen's face flushed. "Not in a bad way or anything! Just- I don't wanna say nicer because that implies you were nice before but like- less snappy? Like not that that's a bad thing or-"

My jaw slacks a little, but I refuse to let my shock show. 

Was I such a bitch that not yelling for half a day was noticeable?

I haven't yelled in literally six hours but that was enough for Gretchen to pick up on and check on me?

I silently begin to reevaluate my attitude towards my friends as Gretchen continues to ramble about how it wasn't a bad thing and she wasn't trying to offend me.

-

I spent most of my Friday with Aaron. But Saturday nights were for me, Damian, Janis, and whatever movie we felt fit the mood.

And no shrinking was gonna change that. 

So here I say in the Hubbard basement. Damian sat to my right, holding Janis close to his chest as some mindless film played.

I was trying to pay attention to the movie. Like if I concentrated on the bad plot, I wouldn't be worrying about the small girl who literally fit into Damian's hands. The girl who was supposed to be taller than me. The bravest girl I knew, who looked so small and vulnerable that it physically hurt.

No wonder Damian was so worried about her.

I just wanted to help her- but there was nothing I could do. There was no way to help.

So I turn my attention to the movie instead.

"Cady," Damian whispered from next to me.

"Yeah?" I respond, not taking my eyes off the screen.

"Okay first off, lower your voice," Damian whispered his voice laced with rising panic. "Second, look."

I turn to see what's getting Damian so worked up.

Janis had pressed herself against Damian's chest, her eyes closed and her small form peaceful. 

The tense shoulders and fearful eyes she had since the shrink was gone. She looked calm and relaxed, I couldn't help but smile.

"Shes's asleep." I said softly, now understanding why Damian wanted me so quiet.

"What do I do?!" Damian hissed.

I hold back a laugh. "What do you mean? You've fallen asleep on each other plenty of times before. You know what to do."

"But - she's so small." Damian whispered, pressing his hands closer around the girl. 

"And?"

"What if she gets hurt or something?"

"Damian, we're just watching a movie." I point out. "She'll be okay."

"Right."

-

The weekend flew by pretty fast.

Karen and Gretchen stayed over the whole time and they were likely the only reason I haven't died yet. 

The school day- now that's a different story.

It was only lunchtime on Monday and I was ready to give it all up and take a nap.

"Regina, you okay?" Gretchen asked. 

"Yeah, just- tired."

I was trying to snap less but I also didn't have the energy in me to snap. 

"You might be better if you ate something," Gretchen said.

"Like what?"

"A french fry." Karen said, showing her tray forward a bit.

-

"Janis. That is a full Dorito."

"Okay, and?"

"There are smaller, broken pieces in the bag."

"I'm aware."

I watch with a smile as my friends maneuver around this new normal. Specifically, lunch, during this new normal. 

"Cady, tell Damian I can eat an entire Dorito if I want to eat an entire Dorito."

I lean back. "Don't drag me into this. You can try and eat an entire Dorito. Doesn't mean you'll be successful."

Janis scoffs. "Nobody has faith in me."

"It's a full Dorito, Janis." Aaron grins from next to her. "Even if you could eat it, do you think this period is enough time? It's gonna go stale before you can finish it."

"Dude, how long does it take you to eat a Dorito? I have forty-five minutes." Janis shoots back.

I watched with amusement as Janis held the chip, trying to examine the best way to go about her snack. 

Damian just shook his head and went back to eating. "You're crazy Janis Sarkisian."

"And you're jealous you can't eat a giant Dorito, Damian Hubbard."

-

It was Tuesday. 

The scientist had been keeping Northshore updated and we should be back to normal by Friday.

Friday was so far away. 

I was just lucky Damian had so many classes with me. 

It never got any less weird, sitting on his desk instead of next to his desk. 

But- it could be worse.

I hadn't talked to my mom yet.

I know I'm gonna break down in tears when I do.

It can wait till Friday when I'm back to normal.

I mean-

-she didn't bother to reach out.

So I won't either. 

Damian and I were in study hall in the very back of the library. 

It had reopened once all the equipment was pulled out.

It will probably reclose for Friday.

But its only fucking Tuesday.

I look up at Damian, whos working on stuff for other classes- y'know, like most students do in study hall. 

Damian had been so understanding of my initial freakout. And even now- when I still freak the fuck out.

Did it get annoying having to carry me everywhere?

I already thought I was pretty annoying.

Space Dyke, Northshore's lesbian with enough trama for four. 

I bet being so dependent suddenly wouldn't help my case.

But what could I do?

I couldn't just walk away and give him a break.

I mean-

I could stay home.

But then I'd have to face mom.

Alone.

But Damian deserved the break.

I dunno.

I don't want him to hate me after this week.

There's movement in front of me as I look up to see Cady sit down.

"Hey, guys!" She smiles.

"Hi!" I grin, shoving all my worries down. A talk with Cady was the perfect way to get my mind off things. "Where's Aaron?" I ask when I notice he isn't on her shoulder.

 "Aaron is with some soccer buddies. I love him- I really do, but I just needed a break."

Oh.

I look back to Damian, who just smiled before turning back to his work.

My heart sank. 

I mean- he didn't verbally agree but- I'm right here, why would he?

If Cady feels that way- Damian probably does too.

I look down at my lap in a vain attempt to hide the tears that burned at the corner of my eyes.

I don't want to lose Damian because I'm too fucking small to do anything myself.

I move closer to the edge of the table as Cady starts unpacking her books.

I don't want to take up too much room just because I can't sit on a chair like a normal person.

Cady and Damian talk quietly to each other but I only half listen. 

The library is pretty crowded for a study hall period and I'm 99% sure more of these kids weren't in study hall. 

A lot of students were taking advantage of this week to skip saying their smaller friends needed their help.

And hey- I'm not gonna sit here and say that's not why Damian has skipped acting class to sit with me in art the past few days- because he has. Honestly, add it to the book about why he hates me.

Damian loves his acting class. 

There's a group of freshmen messing around a table over. I'm on the side of the table opposite from them, but I still eye them worriedly. All I need is for the right book to go flying and I'm done for. 

I can feel Damian looking at me before I even lookup.

"You okay, Jan?"

"Yeah. Just tired." I look at him and pray from this size he can't tell that my eyes are red.

Damian clearly doesn't buy it. He's silent for a bit as he studies me carefully before speaking. "I love you." He says with a smile.

My face flushes. To this day, the random reminders still catch me off guard. Damian always seems to know when I need to hear it. 

"I love you too." I smile.

Cady awes softly and I feel my face heat up more. 

"It's not aw."

"It really is." Cady grins.

Before I can make a comeback, one of the freshmen from the other table, stumbles backward into our desk. The platform I'm sitting on jolts and my hands shoot backwards to catch myself. Only-

There's no desk.

I gasp, as gravity drags me over the edge of the table.

The fall itself was a lot quicker then I expected. My brain hadn't even properly caught up to what had just happened until-

I land on my side, my face grazing against the rough carpeted library floor. 

Pain shoots through my arm and my cheek feels hot.

I let out a staggered gasp, screwing my eyes shut.

Everything managed to be burning hot yet ice-cold at the same time. My entire side was enveloped in pain.

It hurt so bad.

My lungs wouldn't work.

I've had the wind knocked out of me before.

But this was so much worse.

I fell off a desk. A two and a half foot drop should not cause me this much pain.

But I'm small.

And fragile.

And probably annoying.

A hand gently scoops me up as I curl in on myself more.

I already have a pretty good idea of who it is but I don't want to open my eyes and deal with the reality of the situation.

I'm tiny.

I fell off a desk.

And now I'm in extreme pain.

So much for not worrying Damian, huh.

"Jan?" 

I don't respond.

My face stings. Rug Burn but make it the entire side of your face.

I couldn't tell if it was bleeding or an open wound, but I could tell it was painful as fuck.

"Janis?" Damian tries again. I can hear the fear in his voice, the panic he's trying not to let show.

Because of me.

I roll onto my back and open my eyes.

Damian has his hands resting on the desk and both him and Cady were peering down at me worriedly.

I could tell they were trying to make sure I was okay while still giving me my space but-

it was too much.

"I fell." I say softly.

"Yeah. You did." Cady agrees sadly. "Are you okay?"

"It hurts." I break away from their gazes. The utter heartbreak and the way Damian clearly took it personally was too much.

"I'm so sorry, Jan." 

"It's not your fault." I force myself into a sitting position, ignoring the way half my body aches or the way each breath I took felt shallow and empty. 

"You fell," Damian said softly, a dejected look on his face. "You got hurt. I watched you just fall. Oh my god-" Damian's hand slips out from underneath me, as I landed gently on the center of the table. "I need to go grab water. I'll be back." 

I watch silently as Damian gets up and walks away before I turn around to face Cady.

"Is he-"

"He'll be okay," She says softly, her eyes trailing Damian out of the room. "Are you okay?"

"Just shaken up, I guess," I say, my hand absentmindedly touching the side of my face.

"I think we all are." Cady frowns.

I look to the abandons work Damian was doing before this. "Why did Damian take it so personally?"

Cady signed. "This week with the 'social experiment' has been kinda hard on everyone. We're all a little stressed and- while Damian and I may not know what you're going through, we also have some new changes to adapt to. Like carrying around your best friend. That's a lot of pressure and trust, a literal life in your hands. He just wants to make sure you're okay. To see you fall and get hurt- well, that's just what he was trying to prevent. If it were Aaron that fell, I'd probably react the same. He'll be fine. Just give him time to get water and calm down."

I nod, looking at the table underneath me. Damian is upset, and it's my fault. 

Add that to the many reasons he will hate me after this week.

-

This week is dragging by for me, and I wasn't one of the people shrunk. I can only imagine how Aaron or Janis feel right now. Every morning the student affected by the experiment had to go into the nurse's office for vital checks which meant Damian and I spent most of our time before the official start of the school day waiting outside the nurse's office. 

A lot of students waited outside for their friends as well but Damian and I didn't interact with them.

Until today at least.

"Cady?"

I turn around to see Gretchen Weiners walking over.

"Hey!" I smile. "What's up?"

"My stress levels." Damian mumbles from behind me.

Gretchen grins. "I think everyone waiting in this hallway can relate. I assume Damian is here for Janis but what about you Cady? Do you both watch her or-"

"I'm waiting for Aaron actually."

Gretchen wiggles her eyebrows suggestively and I quickly raise my hands in defense.

"No- Aaron and I are just friends. Nothing more."

Gretchen deflates with a sigh. "Well, that's boring. Anybody else you're looking for? Maybe another tiny you hang out with a bunch?"

I feel my face flush as I wave my hand. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You, Cady Heron, are a terrible liar." Gretchen winks before turning away. "Bye you two!"

"She's right you know," Damian says once Gretchen is out of earshot. "You are a god awful liar."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore." I huff, pulling out my phone. "I'm here for Aaron. That's it."

-

The hallway was never a favorite of mine. I mean, when you're in eighth grade and can't walk two feet without homophobic slurs being thrown at you- 

-you learn to hate it.

But this week has turned my hatred for the hallway into a fear of the hallway. The crowds and loud voices that were nothing more than an annoyance before post as an actual threat now. The whole falling incident in the library yesterday just solidified my fears.

I could get hurt so easily at this size. 

In the beginning of the week, everyone was careful. The shrink still hadn't fully set in for most people, the fact that this was reality wasn't solidified in our heads. 

But people were more reckless now. It was Wednesday, the reality of the situation had set in. The hallways were back to their normal loud and crowded state. 

I pressed myself closer to Damian as he passed through a clump of students.

Unlike Aaron, who pretty quickly decided he preferred traveling by shoulder, I stayed in Damian's hands. Too many things could go wrong any other way. I stiffen every time I watch Aaron almost tip over when Cady isn't even walking.

No thanks.

All the locker slams and loud voices created a ringing in my ears and the big groups just made me cringe.

I hated crowds before.

And that's when I wasn't three and a half inches tall. 

"You okay, Janis?" Damian asked bringing his hands up more.

"Yeah, it's just- it's overwhelming." 

Damian nods. He doesn't understand but- he's trying.

I appreciate it. A lot. He's been so patient during my freakouts. He's so understanding when I hesitate to do the little things, like get picked up. He really is trying.

A locker slams a couple feet away and I instinctively flinch. All the noise is making my head hurt and I just want to go home.

Not home with Damian to the Hubbard's.

My home.

At my full height.

Where I can do things for myself.

Where I'm not in constant danger and a stressor to everyone who cares.

My eyes burn and I look down, rubbing my eyes in hope to stop the tears before they can even fall.

I'm not going to start crying in the middle of the school hallway.

"Janis?"

Of course, Damian caught on to my mood. Why wouldn't he? Why would I just give him a break where he won't constantly worrying about me? 

"I'm really fine. I swear. It's tits, dude. Just overwhelmed." 

Damian shoots a quick glance at me before looking up again- he is still walking through the halls after all. "I'm-" Damian hesitates. "I'm gonna try something, okay? Just tell me if it's any better or totally worse."

"Huh?"

Damian doesn't explain as he suddenly lifts his hand. I instantly stiffen as I'm hit with slight vertigo, things like this never get any less weird. 

What is he doing?! He's moving in the halls why is he- What if I fall or get hurt or-

My inner turmoil is broken as Damian tips his hand and I fall backwards-

-into a pocket?

I'm disoriented as I quickly pull myself up in confusion.

I was in the chest pocket of Damian's denim jacket. He looks down at me. 

"You okay?"

I pause, looking around. "Yeah. I'm good."

It was, new. As were a lot of things this week.

But new didn't mean bad. I don't know what I expected the inside of a pocket to be like, but, it was pretty roomy. And if I ducked fully in, the loud bangs of the hallway were muffled. 

I sunk down as Damian continued walking, satisfied that I was okay. Light streamed through the lip of the pocket, which shifted as Damian walked. Light also filtered gently through the denim fabric, so it wasn't very dark or unsettling. It was the opposite actually. I couldn't see everything going on around me, but it wasn't bad. I wasn't scared not to be aware of my surroundings. The overall presence of Damian was a welcoming comfort amongst the muted sounds of outside. 

And-

Holy shit.

I've fallen asleep laying with Damian before. I've had my head on his chest before, I know what his heartbeat sounds like.

But from here it's so loud and clear.  It's directly next to me and I can almost feel it in my body. 

I'm really small enough to fit in a fucking pocket, huh.

The sounds of the hallway outside fade and I pop my head up. We've reached our next class.

Damian sits at his desk and I allow myself to be scooped up carefully. 

"Were the hallways better now?"

I grin. "Dude- you have a loud fucking heartbeat."

-

"Hey, Gretchen?" I roll the pencil in front of me back and forth, unable to look up and meet Gretchen's eyes. 

"Yeah, Regina?"

I take a deep breath, looking up. "Was- am I a bad friend?"

Gretchen leans back in her chair, tilting her head. "What do you mean?"

I already want out of this conversation. Emotions are gross and I hate it here. But- Gretchen deserves this talk. She has done so much for me this week and she's always done so much for me. Even when I wasn't tiny, Gretchen was there if I ever needed her. No hesitation and at any hour. I took advantage of that for so long. 

"This week, when I stopped yelling and being bossy and- basically when I stopped being a bitch, you noticed. That means in the past I had had to have been such an asshole that I go one day without snapping and it's such a difference that you pick up on it. So like-" I shrug, looking back at the pencil in front of me. "Sorry, I guess. For being a big bitch."

I never thought I'd be pouring my feelings to my friend in study hall when I'm under four inches tall and sitting on a desk. 

But I also never thought I'd be under four inches tall in general.

"Regina," Gretchen pauses, at a loss. Clearly, she wasn't expecting an apology.

I don't know if that makes me feel any better about my past actions.

"This week helps me realize that I really took advantage of how much you care about me," I explain. "I don't know what I would do without you, Gretchen. Karen too. But- you were there the most this week. Even after all I've done is been a bitch. So, I'm sorry for being a bitch. And thank you for uh- caring."

Gretchen smiles. "Of course, Regina. You're my best friend. And you aren't always 'bitchy'," She does air quotes with a grin. "Thank you for apologizing though. It means a lot."

I smile sheepishly, turning my attention back to the pencil as I begin to roll it again. "Yeah well, an apology was overdue."

-

"Janis, why do I get the feeling this is a disaster waiting to happen?" Damian asks from where he sat behind me. The obvious amusement in his voice is not lost on me.

"Because, it probably is," I answer simply. 

It was Thursday and to say I was falling behind in art was an understatement. I needed to do something if I wanted a piece to enter into the next art show. Besides, the art was already sketched onto the canvas I just had to start applying paint.

How bad could this be?

I had has Damian layout paints onto a pallet for me as I grabbed the lightest brushes I could find. It was a thin tip which wasn't bad since I was going to be using small brushes for the background anyway. 

I've tried using a pencil at this size before. It's hard- but not impossible. It just feels like a full-body workout and the lines are sloppy. How hard could using a paintbrush be?

Very hard.

For starters, pencil tips are solid. I can rest the pencil on the surface I'm drawing on and use my body weight to move it.

I have to actually hold the paintbrush or else I'll damage the tip.

I hear Damian laugh behind me as I lean backwards a bit too far, trying to find balance with the weight of the paintbrush.

I land on my butt, the brush rolling off my lap and onto the table. 

"Great." I groan, flopping backward.

I can't even hold it long enough to dip it into the paint.

"It was a beautiful attempt." Damian teases. "Maybe next time."

"Shut up." I sit up again, turning to him. "Not all of us can stand full height and pick up a paintbrush easily-" My voice trails off as I get an idea.

"No," Damian leans back in this chair. "I don't know what you're thinking but I'll tell you right now the answer is no. I know that look on your face."

"Please?" I whine. "Damian, I haven't even told you my idea yet."

He huffs. "What is your idea?"

I pick up the paintbrush, stumbly as I hold it out to Damian. "I tell you where the color goes, you do the painting."

Damian shakes his head. "Janis you know I can't paint."

"Just listen to what I say and it will be fine!"

Damian takes the paintbrush from me but lowers it back to the table. "No way. I'm not gonna ruin your work."

"Damian, you wouldn't be ruining it. Please? I know you can do it. C'mon, I need to start the painting before it's too late!" I walk back over to my canvas. "I'd literally point where it goes and we'd be fine. Please? I can't do it myself." 

"You couldn't ask Cady or something? You're talking to the person with the least artistic talent in the world."

I roll my eyes. "You're being dramatic. C'mon, let's start with blue."

"It's your funeral." Damian sigh, picking up the paintbrush.

I grin, walking over to the canvas. "See that section? That whole area is that shade of the blue. And then we can mix the lighter shade for closer to the right."

"I agreed to put color on a canvas- I'm not mixing shades."

"Damian that's literally the easiest part."

"Are you lying or is it actually?"

"Well- for some people it can be."

"Janis."

"Relax! I believe in you. You're gonna do great."

-

"Regina, are you excited?" Karen asked.

"Yeah, I can't wait."

It was finally fucking Friday. By the end of today I'll be back to normal. 

It felt weird.

Like, I was so ready to get back to normal, but this week helped me learn some things about myself and my friendships.

It definitely a week I don't think I'll ever forget.

"Let's go." Gretchen smiles, scooping me up.

-

"Yknow," I laughed nervously. "Maybe staying small isn't such a bad idea- I mean, no needles that way, right?"

"Janis." Damian shook his head. 

Last week I had no warning before the shot. I didn't have time to panic. Yeah, I was scared, but I was mostly confused. Now, I was terrified. 

They were giving the shots and then sending the tinies to the cafeteria to wait for it to sink in. Apparently this time it would only take about ten minutes.

"Damian, did you see what they did to Aaron? The syringes are huge."

"Yes, but the needles aren't. The needles are tiny, it's gonna feel just like a normal shot. The syringes are so big so the doctors can see what they're doing. It's okay."

"What if they miss? What if they inject whatever the fuck into a major vein?! Is that how shots normally work?! I don't even know Damian! I don't want to bleed out and die!"

"You aren't going to bleed out and die." Damian shifts me into one hand. We're next in l- well, I'm next in line.

"Are you sure there's like- no other alternative?"

Damian shook his head. "Nope, Jan. Sorry."

I hug my arms tighter around myself. Damian had taken my jacket from be five minutes ago. This isn't his first time making sure I get my shots. He knew what to do. And typically, he knew how to help.

But nothing was bringing me comfort at this point. I couldn't concentrate on anything other than the giant fucking syringes. Can you blame me? So what the needle is the width of an average needle for my hight? The syringe is still as tall as me. And that's scary as fuck.

Add that on top of the fact that needles, in general, are scary as fuck and I'm not having a good time.

I feel like I may puke as Damian steps forward.

It's my turn.

Oh fuck.

Hell no.

I'd rather stay tiny and die than get a fucking shot.

"Damian-"

"I know, Jan. It's gonna be okay."

It's a different nurse then who gave me the shot last week. "It's okay to be nervous!" She already seems nicer than the other nurse. 

Not that it helps.

"I know it seems scary but it's just like a normal shot. Same ol' pinch."

I force a weak smile. 

Can Damian feel how bad I'm shaking?

I truly don't think this is worth it.

I could simply pass away.

That's a good alternative.

The nurse turns around to a table where her tools are stationed. "Do you want to be set down somewhere or-"

"No," My voice is strained and it's painfully obvious I'm terrified. "I can do it with Damian."

The nurse nods, walking over.

Now, 

I was terrified before.

But when I physically saw the needle?

Game over.

"W-wait-" I step backward ignoring the way Damain's other hand shoots up to make sure I don't fall.

The nurse pauses but doesn't lower the needle or step back. 

"Jan, it's gonna be easier if you get it over with." Damian reminds me gently.

"No- I know I just-" I step back again. "I can't- I-" I was dangerously close to the edge of Damian's hand. There was no more room for me back up. 

I couldn't take my eyes off the needle. The syringe has to be as tall as I was. It-

Fuck.

"Janis," Damian's voice is a familiar stern but soft. "You need to get the shot."

I can't bring myself to respond verbally as I shake my head.

I can't.

Nope.

No.

I-

There's movement out of the corner of my eye as fingers wrap around me, pinning my arms to my sides.

I gasp, snapped out of my thoughts. 

"Damian-"

"Please, Jan, you need to get the shot."

"Put me down!" 

It's a fist. That's what if fucking is.

It's not painful, Damian isn't being hard or anything. But I sure as hell can't move. My bicep is totally exposed and I can't move my arms or turn away or-

The nurse catches onto what Damian's doing and steps closer.

"Damian put me down! Please!"

He doesn't move as the nurse steps closer. A giant cloth is swiped against my arm, cleaning it and I freeze, turning away.

I can't get out of this.

I can't avoid it.

Just like last week, there's a pinching sensation on my arm and I stiffen.

There are tears at the corners of my eyes and I feel childish that it affecting me this much.

Why can't I be normal and just get a shot?

Damian's hand around me opens as the nurse steps away and I sit down in the center of his palm. "I'm sorry," He says holding me up to eye level. "But you know you needed that shot."

"No, I didn't." I cross my arms. 

"Janis." Damian shakes his head with a laugh.

He walked away from the stations and over to the cafe. Inside was just a bunch of tinies placed on tables and honestly, it was a comedic sight. 

"I wanna go over by Aaron," I say, pointing to one of the closer tables.

Damian nods, walking over. 

I slip off his hand as we reach the table and wave. "Bye. Love you. And uh- thanks for helping me with the shot."

Damian laughs. "Of course, Jan. I'll see you soon, okay? I love you."

"So, how did Ms. I hate shots, Janis Sarkisian, deal with the needle?" Aaron asked. 

I huff. "Don't wanna talk about it."

-

The hallway buzzed with nervous energy. I talked idly with Gretchen as we waited, but the undercurrent of excitement wasn't missed by anyone.

It was still technically school hours but all student who helped their smaller classmates this week was outside the cafeteria, waiting eagerly to see their friends at full height again.

I watched as Damian left the cafeteria and I waved him over.

"Janis, as always, was a nuisance at getting her shot."

"Hello to you too." I grin. "Really that bad?"

"It's always that bad. She kicked a nurse once! She's gotten better, I used to have to hold a thirteen-year-old Janis in my lap just for a flu shot, but I guess a syringe the size of you is pretty scary because all improvement went out the fucking window."

Gretchen nodded. "Middle school Regina and Janis had a lot in common. Most notable? Their fear of needles."

"Well, Aaron was fine." I grin.

"Wow, lucky you." Gretchen rolled her eyes. "But- that's over now and hopefully we won't ever have to deal with giant needles ever again."

"Don't jinx us." I laugh.

Damian grins. "Since its technically still the school day I gotta bolt and talk to a teacher really fast but I'm gonna do my best to get back before they're all out. Whenever that is."

"Alright," I wave him off. "Go hurry!"

-

My libs felt weird and my head hurt a bit but I could care less.

I was back.

Full height.

I high fived Aaron as we grinned. 

This entire week was a giant nightmare.

Pun intended.

But it was over.

I'm back.

"Hell yeah!"

We follow the crowd of classmates, all normal height again, out into the hallway.

There were students everywhere hugging and cheering. 

I looked around, unable to find Cady or Damian.

Aaron stepped past me, beelining to his soccer friends.

The dude spent equal time with Cady and his teammates so I'm sure I'll see him talking to Cady later.

There's a thump somewhere to my left and I turn to see all three plastics on the ground in a hug, Regina clearly having taken them down. 

I grin but move on, continuing my own search for my friends.

I know Damian said he needed to talk with a teacher and he may not still be back but-

Cady should be here somewhere.

Despite being back to normal height I can't see over the mass of students.

I step away from the door and start making my way through the crowd in hopes of better luck finding either of my friends.

My eye catches a familiar reddish head of hair through the sea of students.

I grin, pushing through the crowd.

Cady has her back to me as I stand next to her. She's on the phone and doesn't notice.

"No Damian, I don't see either of them. Yes you should hurry, are you kidding me?! Okay, okay, you're right. Bye."

"So, who are we looking for?"

Cady whirls around to face me. "Janis?!"

"Mhm?"

Cady grins, pulling me into a tight hug, pressing her face into my shoulder.

"Nice to see you too, Cads." I laugh, wrapping my arms around her. 

We pull apart and she grins up at me. "I forgot how tall you were."

"Yeah, me too."

As I suspected earlier, Aaron walks over and I step away, giving them space to talk.

I stand by the edge of the hallway, separating myself from the crowd.

I may not be small as fuck anymore but that doesn't make me hate big groups any less. 

"Janis!"

I smile, turning to the sound of my name, already knowing who it is. 

"You took your sweet time." I grin.

Damian doesn't respond he simply pulls me close, his arms wrapping around me.

For spending the whole week with Damian, I felt like I missed him. Or really just the hugs.

I missed the hugs.

I gladly return the hug, laughing as Damian just holds me tighter. 

"I'm glad you're okay." He says softly.

There was so much emotion in that one sentence as Damian squeezes softly.

I pull back a little bringing my hands up to his cheeks. "Hey."

"Hi." He whispers. There are tears in his eyes, matching the ones probably in my own.

"Thank you so much for everything you did this week, man. I love you."

"I love you, too."

I smile softly as Damian presses a kiss to my forehead before pulling away. 

"It feels weird standing here at this size." I confess, looking at the crowd of students in the halls.

"It's gonna take some getting used to after this week." Damian nods.

"Yeah." I agree, turning back to him. My eye catches his denim jacket. I step forward, hooking my pointer finger over the lip of his chest pocket. "Jesus Christ, that's a small fucking pocket."

"Yeah, Jan. It is."

"I was small!"

"Mhm."

"Give me your hand."

Damian complies, and I raise my hand next to his in comparison. I've always had small hands so I'm not surprised when his are bigger than mine. But still- 

I fit in his hand.

"Woah." 

Damian laughs. "Now do you see how I felt?"

"Yeah. That's tits."

"Mm, not the word I would use, but sure, Jan. It was tits."

"I wouldn't do it again tho."

"Thank god." Damian shakes his head. "Stupid social experiment."

"Stupid social experiment." I agree.

dw, janis lived her life at the hubbards and never saw her mother again. as she should. @realmisspolarbear @smallsoysauce @musicallygt @sourishlemons

[rkrose]

“i’ve been trying all my life to separate the time, in between the having it all and giving it up, yeah. i wonder what’s in store if i don’t love it anymore. i’m stuck between the having it all and giving it up, yeah”  ━━  august 5th, 2020 . . . phone call with alice park ( big sister )

it’s been eight years. eight years since rose moved from her family’s home nestled in the suburbs of melbourne, away from her parents and her siblings to the big smoke of seoul, south korea. a country that was thousands of miles away. who knew that at age fifteen a girl could be so driven, so determined to pursue a dream? this dream of becoming a musician took rose across a whole ocean to a country she had never been to before. time had been kind, things had gotten easier. the early days were the hardest. rose’s lack of knowledge on basic customs expected of almost any korean to her clumsiness regarding the korean language and the honorifics that went with it. she recounts her first year as being vacant and lonely, and those feelings even followed her into her second year. no one reached out, and rose didn’t reach out either. it was easier to keep any and everyone at arms length. she wanted to do this by herself. she didn’t want to be a burden.

favouring hours alone playing guitar and piano, singing seventies and eighties songs she had heard on the radio back home. and when tucked away in her bed at her home stay’s apartment on the outskirts of the city, rose would call her big sister and tell her about her day. a part of her felt inclined to lie, to say that she was happy. but she wasn’t and alice . . . alice could tell. alice was off at university at this point, a first year, studying law. charlie was studying medicine and rose was . . . in south korea, at a music school. so she could pursue . .  music. rose always had it a little easier in comparison to her older siblings. her father hadn’t been super enthusiastic to find out that she had applied to this music orientated school across the ocean in his place of birth, but her mom had been supportive. she saw that her daughter had a dream, so she wanted her to go and pursue it, even if meant sending her youngest to a foreign country. 

favouring hours alone playing guitar or piano, singing old songs that she remembers hearing on the radio from back home. and when tucked away in the bedroom of her home stay’s apartment, located on the outskirts of the city, rose would call her big sister and try to tell her about her day, about her adventures. rose felt inclined to lie, to say that she was happy. but she wasn’t and alice could tell. she was off at university at this point, first year, studying law while their older brother studied medicine. meanwhile rose was in south korea at a music school so that she could maybe attempt to pursue music. her intentions hadn’t been to stay in south korea permanently. initially, it was her three years of high school and then maybe if things went well, a year of university. but a year after graduating and having flopped completely academic wise, and no real drive or pull to go back home to australia, rose had found herself in one of south korea’s biggest entertainment companies come winter of 2016. this was where she paved her dream, even if it wasn’t the way she had visualised it. everyone had to start somewhere, or so she figures.

rose had always had it a little easier in comparison to alice and charlie. being the youngest was probably the reason, she was used to being babied and being the favourite. her father, a branch manager of a bank chain in melbourne, had been rather disheartened to discover she had gone and applied to sopa, behind his back more or less. rose’s mother, a psychiatrist, had been much more supportive. she had saw from a young age what her daughter’s true passion was, in efforts to help rose pursue a dream she had found early on. she sent rose on her way, with no certainty of what this meant for her. and even eight years later and rose not returning as she had planned, her mother still feels the same way. uncertain but immensely proud. and even now, her dad’s a little proud too, even if he doesn’t get the whole singing dancing idol thing.

eight years on, late night phone calls still occur between rose and alice. only they’re not as often and rose lives in an apartment with her two bestfriends. rose finds herself stumbling into bed on most nights after training; life is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting these days and the thought of talking to anyone, even alice, sounded unbearable at times. but rose always does her best to make time for the important people in her life. tonight, rose is tucked away in her bed with her long blonde hair in braids. she wears an oversized sweatshirt which rose actually thinks might belong to her boyfriend. rose stares up at the ceiling overhead with eight years of lies and it’s weight resting on her chest. the line is quiet. “something up, rosie? you don’t sound too good.” alice asks down the phone, and although chipper, she sounds concerned. “ah, it’s nothing. don’t worry, ali.” rose says, waving off her concern with a laugh. “well . . . nothing is something. what’s going on? you’re alright, aren’t you?” rose purses her lips, a clutched hand rests on her chest. would it be so awful to verbalise her feelings, what she’s felt for the past four or so years?

“i’m thinking . . . about . . . i’m thinking about moving back to australia.” rose says slowly, softly, in hopes she doesn’t draw attention. lisa and jisoo are home, and although one of two knows, she doesn’t wanna talk to them about that now. “y-you’re what? no. what? what happened?" alice’s reaction was as rose had thought: genuine surprise, shock and perhaps a little bit of disbelief. very alice. “you didn’t break up with chris, did you? i thought you were still at royal.” the mention of chris was enough to remind rose of her first real argument with her boyfriend ( of almost two years now ). “no, no. we’re still together and i’m still . . . at royal. my contract ends in december, though. i meant . . . instead of signing it again, i could just . . . come home, and be with you and charlie, and mel and charlotte, and mom . . . dad too, i guess.” 

the line goes quiet again. alice must be trying to wrap her head around the suddenness of the topic. “ali, y-you there?” rose asks, pushing herself up onto her elbows. she furrows her brows. had she said something wrong? “what brought this on all of a sudden, rosie? last time we spoke you seemed so . . . so happy and certain of everything. are you okay? is there . . . something else going on?” last time they spoke. the last time rose and alice spoke was months ago. rose was still coming to terms with what this all meant, what feeling this way meant. “no,” rose mutters quietly, shaking her head. “i . . . i just . . . “ and so she starts from the beginning, all the way back when rose first landed on the tarmac in seoul, south korea as a bright eyed fifteen year old.

"i wish you had of just been honest with me, rose. about everything.” alice admits quietly. rose wishes she could of been honest from the beginning too, but thinking about the consequences of her honesty frightened her. the lies hadn’t been any better, though. “i was scared you’d tell mom and that she would force me to come home.” having to give up her dream though honesty, to be defeated because of her own feelings had been a fear of rose’s at that age. it still rings true now to some extent. trainees shouldn’t show their weaknesses, they become easy targets in the eyes of their company. “mom always wanted what’s best for you, as she does now. and charlie does, and dad . . . in his own, weird way. and i want what’s best for you.” rose bites at her lip, trying to hold the tears that well at her eye at bay. “and if you think that coming back home to australia is what that is, then so be it. but i don’t think that’s what you really want.” 

i am so passionate about singing and performing. nothing makes me feel more whole than when i sing, i truly feel alive . . . as cliche as it sounds. and i was shy, so i hid behind my guitar and my company forced me to step forward and become this . . . this person. after all this time i came to love dancing, i’m actually somewhat good at it although coaches disagree. but . . . i realise that even though my dream was to debut in a band, in reality, an idol group was what i was destined for. and these past three years i’ve worked so hard, tirelessly, so i can one day debut with my friends. i’ve cried so much these past few months. i’m so tired, ali. i feel so up and down about my future. am i selfish for thinking about myself? is it selfish to stay in the company when a much better person could be in my place? i’ve never wanted something more in my life than this. i can’t believe i’m admitting that. i, roseanne park, want to be an idol. i want to debut so badly but the stagnancy makes me nauseous. is four years going to turn to six years, and will six turn to eight? i see these young idols train for a year and then debut the following year. am i not good enough? am i doing something wrong? and the fact that you all are so far away makes me wonder if all of this is worth it. i just . . . i want to go home. i mean, i think i do. 

"you’re growing restless, rosie.” alice concludes rather firmly. here was the tough love rose had avoided hearing but needed, so badly. “but don’t give up on your dream because you’re restless or because you’re tired.” and by this point, the tears are running down rose’s cheeks, they’re red and warm. she wipes at her eyes with the sleeve of the sweatshirt. alice pauses and rose swears that she hears a sniffle on the other end of the line. “i know you’ve been lying to me all of these years, telling me how happy you were and how you loved korea. i know that things must of been so tough for you, rosie . . . and yet you stuck it out because you didn’t wanna disappoint mom . . or me, or charlie. that’s so . . . so you.” alice chuckles and rose mirrors, sniffling. she was right, after all. rose was too afraid of admitting that she had maybe made a mistake in going to korea so young, but she was still too prideful to give up. “you’re so stubborn, roseanne. you’ll try and make anything work.”

“and it’s because you’re so stubborn . . . that you should make this work. make this crazy, once in a life time opportunity work out, just follow it through.” rose picks at a stray thread on her pyjama pants, still listening intently to alice, hanging onto every word. “because i think . . . that if you do end up coming home, and not signing that contract again, that you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.” there’s another pause. “and people like you rosie, people like you need to be where they can shine. and if you can’t do this for you, then do it for me. do it for mom, and charlie and dad. do it because we believe in you and love you more than anything.” there’s more sniffles between both sisters. rose hasn’t shared a moment like this with her sister in . . . forever, perhaps ever. she’s been reminded of how she’d put on a brave face whenever duty called. “i don’t want you to give up on this dream, rosie. just keep holding on. everything will make sense soon. i know it will.”

   to be continued . . .

[captain-kingliamsqueen]

Unexpected Surprise - Part 1 (Liam x MC)

Pairing: Liam x MC

Summary: …As much as you want to plan your life, it has a way of surprising you with unexpected things that will make you happier than you originally planned!

Word Count: 2,003

Masterlist

 ASK IF YOU WANT TAGGED! SORRY IF I MISSED ANYONE!

I always notice every single spelling mistake or issue after I’ve posted…so apologies in advance! 

Tags aren’t working so I will be tagging in the comments.

Eight months had passed since Riley left Cordonia.

Eight months had passed since she last seen Liam

Eight months had passed since she last spoke to any of her friends from Cordonia.

The first few months after she returned, she went through a rough period, where she wouldn’t leave the apartment, she hardly spoke to anyone at all. She spent her time eating and sleeping, when she returned, she sold all of the dresses she had bought over the time she had spent there, adding her savings onto that, she managed to go the first couple of months without worry, after that money ran out, she had no choice but to find herself a job. Getting back out into the world was tough. She started a job at a local elementary school. What a lot of people didn’t know was that her job at the bar was meant to just get her by until she finished her teaching degree and got a job in a school. It was just a few weeks after her graduation that she had met Liam.

“Good morning Miss Brookes” one of her pupils beamed as she walked through the door Riley held open for the class to enter the classroom. For the last Six months Riley had been teaching a 1st grade class.

“Good morning Elizabeth, do you have your thinking hat on?”

“of course, Miss Brookes”

“good that’s what I like to hear!” Riley grinned as she closed the door then made her way to her desk. she chuckled as the children all yelled and played.

“Alright come on, everyone settle down…shh shhh…Alright thank you” she smiled as they all took their seats, bursting with energy. The past week, the class had been talking about languages, when one of them asked Riley if she spoke any other languages, their faces lit up when she told them she spoke French. When Riley took French at school, she would walk out of the building and not remember a thing that she had learned, but when she travelled to France with Liam and the rest of their friends, she fell in love with the country. She could remember every word Liam taught her. she remembered it like it was yesterday, when the two of them sat late into the evening in Riley's hotel balcony, they were both curled up on the bench. She had asked Liam to teach her some French and he was more than happy to oblige. Whenever he got the chance, he would teach her bits and pieces, by the time she left Cordonia, she was very well rehearsed in the language, she had studies books, everything she could get her hands on, she read front to back. The class had asked her, if she would teach them some of the language, which she happily agreed to. She had spent the last week putting together a lesson plan for the day, they would be tasting French food, learning the language, learning about the culture.

“Bonjour à toute la classe” she started

“does anyone know what that means?” she asked, then smiled at the first little boy that put his hand up.

“Oui, Jamie?”

“does it mean…good morning?”

“Bravo! Jamie, that’s right, its means good morning class”

“Miss Brookes…how do you say…good night?” Little Nathan called from his seat.

“I’ll tell you if you promise to put your hand up next time”

“I promise”

“okay…to say good night you say… Bonne Nuit! can you all repeat that? Bonne Nuit”

“Bonne Nuit!”

“Bravo!!”

As the day grew on, the children got more and more excited about the new skill they were learning. Once it reached their breaktime Riley had set out a spread of some of her favourite French foods.

Riley smiled from the head of the table as she watched each child pick at their plates, being very vocal about what they liked and didn’t like.

“Miss Brookes would you like some of my croissant?” one of the six-year olds asked

“that’s very kind of you, louis but I’m okay thank you.”

Riley sighed quietly as her hand rested on her stomach as she felt an ache. The same ache she had felt on and off for the past few months, she had assumed it was the usual cramps she would get when she was getting her period, which the last few months had been even more infrequent than usual. Riley had always had an odd cycle, so she didn’t think anything of it. as the day moved on, the cramping started to die down a little.

Over the next few weeks she had gotten bursts of aches in her lower back and her stomach. Nothing major, just uncomfortable aches.

It was late one evening she had not long got back from work, she had made herself some food, but ended up throwing most of it away after not being able to eat it. she had been in pain all day. at this point she was getting a little suspicious, maybe she was coming down with something? She decided that running back might be the best solution to her aches, maybe the warm water would help soothe her pain. After spending a good forty-five minutes in the warm back she climbed out headed for her bedroom. She pulled on some gym shorts and a vest before climbing into bed.

Riley was jolted awake when she felt a shooting pain in her abdomen. She sat up instantly her hand shooting to her stomach.

“oh my god…what the hell is that!!” she groaned “Shit that hurts!” she cried when the pain became too much. She had never had cramps like this…this was a whole new kind of pain. When she tried to get up from the bed, another pain shot through her, causing her to stumbled and fall. Tears cascaded down her cheeks as she frantically searched for her mobile that was sitting on the bedside table. As soon as she found it, her shaky hands dialled 911

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“I need an ambulance, I’m in excruciating pain, I don’t know what it is, it’s a shooting pain in my abdomen”

“okay, what’s your address?”

“I’m in apartment, 2, Payton crescent.”

“okay, and what’s your name?”

“It’s Riley…Riley Brookes”

“Okay miss Brookes, I’m going to get you help as quick as I can, an ambulance is on the way, can you get to the door”

“yes” she gasped as another pain shot through her. unable to stand, she crawled to the front door, turning the key so the paramedics would be able to get in.

“the doors unlocked” she informed the operator

“okay, just hold tight Miss Brookes, help is on the way.”

Just a few minutes later, the paramedics came through the door. Once the operator knew Riley was in safe hands they hung up.

“Miss Brookes, can you show me where it hurts?” one of the paramedics asked. Riley lifted her shirt, placing her hand on her lower stomach. “all around here”

“you gotta help me, it hurts so much” she cried

“it’s alright, we’re gonna get you to the hospital”

Once they got Riley into the ambulance, they headed off to the nearing hospital. They asked her various questions on the journey trying to figure out what was wrong. After the answers she gave them, they decided she should have an ultrasound when she arrived at the hospital to check her appendix. Once they got her situated in a cubical, once of the nurses came by to do her ultrasound.

“Miss Brookes how are you feeling?” the Young Woman asked as she pulled the machine over and sat down in the seat in front of it.

“Terrible”

“alright, well we’re going to try and help you feel better again, alright, I’m gonna put this gel on your stomach, brace yourself because it will be really cold” the nurse squeezed some of the gel onto Riley's stomach before placing the doppler on top then moving it around to have a look and see what was causing the pain. Riley’s eyebrows knitted together as she watched the woman look at the screen with bulging eyes.

*buBum…buBum…buBum*

“is everything okay?” Riley asked.

“Miss Brookes-”

“call me Riley”

“Riley…when was the last time you had unprotected sex?”

“oh gee…now you’re asking…probably around eight and a half months ago”

“Riley…do you hear that sound?”

Riley nodded confirmed she could indeed hear the noise.

“I’ll be back in a moment” the nurse quickly made her way out of the room, running back in just a few seconds later with a doctor on her tail. The two looked over the screen, whispering to each other.

“is something wrong?” Riley gasped as she felt another pain.

“Miss Brooks, have you been feeling nauseous, Fatigued? Hungry often?”

“not really, I mean, ive had these pains on and off for the past few months, but I always got them around the time I was due my period, so I assumed they were cramps”

The doctor, asked Riley to sit with her legs open, so that she could do a physical examination.

“Miss Brookes” the doctor smiled

“yeah?”

“Your Pregnant”

“I can’t be…I haven’t slept with anyone in like eight months”

“Miss Brookes…you have a full-term baby and she’s ready to come out, you are already seven centimetres…you’re in active labour”

“no this has got to be a mistake, I don’t have a bump, I haven’t had any other symptoms, ive still had my periods”

“I’m afraid it’s true miss Brookes, bleeding during pregnancy can be perfectly normal, actually a lot of women mistake spotting as their period but actually it’s the pregnancy, it’s very rare, but ive seen it happen before, if the babies sitting further into your back, like you, a woman can go a full nine months without a real bump.”

“But…” The tears fell down her face.

“I can’t be…”

“how much weight have you put on over the past eight to nine months?”

“a little bit” she blushed not wanting to admit she had infact put on a little bit of weight.

“okay…well Miss Brookes, we’re going to have to move you down to the Delivery ward, this baby is ready to come out”

“Tonight?!” Riley panicked

“most likely”

Once they got Riley moved to the delivery ward, they started to connect her to all types of machines. She sighed as she looked at her phone sitting beside the hospital bed.

“Riley, can we call anyone for you? Maybe the father? a friend or family member?”

“no, it’s okay…I think I should call him…” she sighed “I’m nervous” she frowned as she looked at the nurse.

“was it a boyfriend?”

“kind of…we were very much in love but…we weren’t in a relationship as such.”

“what do you mean?”

“long story short, he was in an arranged marriage that he very much didn’t want to be in, we were going to get married but, something happened and he had to get engaged to this other woman…we tried for months to figure out a way to be together, but eventually it came time for the wedding, I told him, I can’t be with you if your married to her, he was willing to give up everything for me , his family business, his home, but I couldn’t let him do it…I know this phone call will turn his life upside down… I know he would drop everything to be here…if he found out and I hadn’t called him, it would break his heart”

“well, I think you should make the call”

“I can’t not” she sighed as she lifted her phone

“could I have a moment?” she asked the nurse, the young woman nodded then headed outside. Riley scrolled to his number then let out a deep breath as she pressed call.

The phone rang just three times before his voice came through the phone.

“hello? Riley? Riley is that you?”

“Hi, Liam” she whispered

[idkhyuck]

My First and Last- A Renjun Soulmate AU

A/N: OKAY SO I REALLY WANTED TO TRY MY HAND AT A CHEESY SOULMATE AU BECAUSE I FLIPPING LOVE SOULMATES. idk if i hate this or not, feedback is appreciated and i’m going to post it in parts so this is only part one. I cried like a baby writing this so i hope i’m able to get the emotion i was trying to convey across. A Song i recommend listening to while reading are Berenstein by the Band Camino. just to get a feel for the longing and need. 

RENJUN x SOULMATE!READER

WARNINGS/ ANGST, MENTIONS OF MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH. 

I remember the day I turned 18 I used my ID to go to see a  Soulmate fortune Teller. All of my friends went out drinking with their soulmates. They all met theirs young. My best friend Julia; Met hers when she was 7 Charlie moved in next door and they met each other and cried because they were freaked out at what was happening.. Meeting you’re soulmate is a huge thing. You live you’re whole life waiting for this. They both can’t tell me what they felt because they barely remember it. Julia said her heart started racing and her eyes blurred out and refocused.  Usual cliché shit, The dilated eyes, the heartbeat. I just knew there had to be more to it.  Imagine spending most of my life with Julia and Charlie who can’t live with out each other. That’s another thing. Apparently being away from you’re soulmate once found is physically and emotionally painful. Old people often die in pairs because they can’t handle the pain of their lover dying. My parent’s are so hopelessly in love it hurts. Everyone around me is in love. I was a hopeless case. I honestly thought all of my teenage years I didn’t have a soulmate. I was meant to live this hopeless lonely life all my life and never know the feeling of “true love”. It sucked because kids never wasted time dating because you’ll find your one, someday. I’ve read tons of books and stories of people choosing who they fall in love with. I longed for a world like that, until I went into that fortune teller’s shop.

“I can tell you three facts about you’re soulmate.” She told me as she sat me in front of her. She looked at me, through me? Idk it was a weird experience.

“He appears older than he is.” She said. How much older could he be? I wondered to myself. I hoped it wasn’t a gross age gap. “He’s adored by many people.” Adored? Like by his family? Friends? Or like famous? “He will die shortly after you meet.” What?

“a-“ I started

“of course It’s a bit foggy, but this is what I see right now.” She said as she blinked her eyes back to herself?

“die?” I asked

“oh my dear, That’s how life is sometimes, you are a strong girl, I know you’ll be okay.” She said. It’s been 5 years since then. I now know who “he” is at the age of twenty three. I’ll never forget the moment I saw him. I was watching some music videos with my friends, They were discussing the differences of K-pop groups. It was a usual night at the dorm. I was 21 years old and in my third year of my degree. I was a business major, so I was always swamped with homework. I wasn’t really paying attention to what they were playing on the TV, I heard this voice and I Just had to look up. There he was, My soulmate. My heart started racing, I felt nauseous, My eyes could only see him. I wasn’t overcome with emotion like many say you’re supposed to be. But like it was as if someone had turned off the entire world around me and all I could see and think was SOULMATE. I blinked a few times, I’d finally lost my mind. This Korean boy was my soulmate. How? This can’t be. And he was going to die. No. he couldn’t, I wouldn’t let him. If I never met him he would never die right? He was the most beautiful human being I’d ever seen, My entire being literally throbbed upon the thought of him dying. I don’t even know his name. I looked up

“y/n? you okay?” Julia asked

“uh, yeah. Who is this group?” I asked, I just noticed how shallow my breathing was, My voice sounded so ragged.

“are you sure you’re okay?” Julia asked she sounded far away, as My soulmate had just started singing again.

“who?” I asked, my voice was tiny. I lifted my shaky hand up to point at him on the TV

“HOLY SHIT! y/n?” Julia said coming over to grab me. She knelt in front of me. “That is your soulmate isn’t it?” She said trying to hold my hands that were vibrating. I could see the other girls now intrigued, The video paused on him now. I looked up and it hurt to look at him, it hurt but I couldn’t pinpoint where, or why. Wtf the was happening to me. I tore my eyes away to look down at Julia, I nodded. “oh my god.” She whispered. awhile back I had told her what the Soulmate fortune teller told me, She was waiting for this. We had plans to move to LA after graduation with hopes of finding my soulmate in the glitz and glamour of Hollywood. That was the first night it hurt to be away from him. I spent the months after researching soulmates. They were still such a mystical thing to us as humans. Apparently there were studies of long distance soul mates having phantom pains. That would explain the why my body constantly ached. I watched how hard he worked, I grew to love his music, I picked up on the Korean so easily, the Chinese was something to be desired. I grew to love him, and I didn’t even know him. Studies also proved that once someone acknowledges their soulmate the other is able to feel it even If they haven’t met yet. I often wondered if he felt me. I know he’s dreaming of me. That’s a huge thing there are so many stories of one-sided love lorn soulmates longing to get to theirs but can’t at the time. Like when you pass on a busy street or something like that The one who doesn’t know often had dreams of their soulmate until the day they meet. There’s so much we as a human society know about soulmates. I was now apart of this society. I had my soulmate. The one thing that the fortune teller had wrong was he’s actually not old. He’s currently 19 years old, She got that wrong. I hoped and prayed she got the other thing wrong. I’d lie awake at night longing for him, I did not expect that. I cried myself to sleep many a night because it physically hurt to be without him. Julia was living her happy life, Sleeping with Charlie every night, Kissing him, feeling him, being near him, Getting to spend the rest of her life with him. As much as I longed for him I didn’t want to meet him, If I never met him he’d live his life out. How can the one person in the world that is meant for me be so ill-fated because of me. I was his harbinger of death and I hated it. I’d rather live my life never knowing him than to have to lose him one day.

 Despite my constant protests, Julia had convinced me to come spend the summer in Seoul. She hated seeing how much it hurt me to be without him. He had to be looking too she said. He was in the middle of a comeback right now so there we’re lots of promotions and shows around town. I saw a few billboards with him on it. I really didn’t have a plan, I wasn’t going to stalk him, he dealt with that enough. So after I got settled in at my apartment, I spent a few days a week at the café in his companies building. So many girls dreamed of meeting their favourites here. They’d pass through at some point right?  A few weeks passed with no luck, but today was extra busy, The staff had begun to know me at this point, My favourite staff was working today, She always let me use the Staff bathroom. I had just ordered my coffee and put it on my table I had taken out my book for the day when the urge to pee hit me. I went and asked her and she gave me the key. I was walking down the hall it was passed the room where the idols would film their things. I was kind of anxious today and I didn’t really now why. It was bugging me, I didn’t want to leave early, They were supposed to be here today. I splashed some water on my face and went back out, I locked the bathroom door behind me and heard a gasp behind me, I instantly felt chills throughout my entire body. I slowly turned and saw him standing there, I swore I blacked out for a millisecond. I froze, my legs felt heavy, My heart was racing.

“dreams. Y-y..” he said

“Renjun.” I said my voice shaky, I looked at him, he was getting paler by the second, I reached out to grab his hand, He reached out to me, our eyes never leaving the others once. The moment his hand touched mine, I felt every single emotion possible, relief mostly, pain, Pure happiness. I couldn’t help but cry. I didn’t notice I was crying until he reached down to wipe my cheek. My skin was so hot, his fingers cold to the touch. He was handling  this so much better than me.

“soulmate.” He said quietly

“y/n” I said quietly my voice shaky

“y/n” He repeated. “it’s okay.” He said and in the moment life honestly was okay. I felt so content just being near him. This is everything I could have ever wanted in life and more and it hurt me that I might not always have this would i constantly live with this fear in the back of my mind. I was sobbing at this point, He pulled me into his arms and held me there. Shushing and cooing at me telling me it was going to be okay. I had never felt more okay in my life than I did in his arms. I totally understand why Julia and Charlie were always holding onto each other.

“hey!” Someone said from behind us, The furious stomping, I looked up and saw Renjun had tears streaming down his cheeks too now. He wiped his eye with his sleeve and kind of hid me behind him.

“it’s okay.” He said in Korean.

“why?” The person asked

“she’s my soulmate.” He said his voice cracking slightly.

“what?” The person was shocked. “can’t be?” he said I peeked out and saw a tall guy I’m assuming was a body guard.

“bring her up to the practice room please?” He said wiping at his face. “She can’t go back out there now?” he said in perfect Korean. Wow I hoped I sounded like that when I spoke to him. “please?” he asked sounding small. The guard nodded. Renjun turned to me and started in English “he’s going to.” He started pointing all around “go up stairs with you.” He pointed at me and up

“I understand you.” I said my korean not as confident, his face lit up. “Are you sure this is okay?” I asked him

“I don’t know.” He said “I just know I don’t want you to leave.” He said “please go with him and wait for me?” He asked. I couldn’t say no to him, it hurt me to even think of ever hurting him. I nodded and followed behind the man. He silently led me through the back halls of the buildings. He opened a door and said

“wait here, they won’t be long.” He said “I’ll get you a guest pass.” He said then left. He returned not even a minute later with a pass “don’t do anything stupid.” He said then he was gone. I looked around, I’d seen these exact practice rooms so many  times on my computer watching him. I finally met him, He was so absolutely stunning in person, His voice was like it was made only for me to hear. He was perfect. I didn’t want to lose him, ever. I sat there trying to process everything I was feeling and all I knew was that I wanted to be in his arms again.

 He walked into the practice room, with a bottle of water and my coffee and book, How did he know, Was this a soulmate thing? I thought to myself.

“y/n” he said “how old are you?” he asked me

“23.” I answered.

“Noona.” He said taken aback, That was so cute, my health literally melted and flared up at the same time.  He came and sat beside me. “did you know?” he asked I nodded “For how long?”

“two years.” I said

“the dreams.” He said quietly eyes wide looking at nothing in particular then up at me “you’re even more beautiful in person.” He said reaching out to touch my face, Then shying away. “how are we supposed to do this?” he said thinking aloud.

“I don’t know.” I said “Please don’t be shy.” I said “it’s been two years.” My voice sounded tired and needy and I hated that he had that affect one me already. His eyes looked at me wide, The he looked down at my lips, Then he slowly leaned in, or I leaned in. I honestly don’t know. His breath mixed with mine as our faces were just centimeters apart.

“I think I love you.” He said before his lips met mine, The lightheaded airy, hot feeling that was rushing through my veins went into overdrive. I  reached up and held him behind his head. I wanted to open my eyes to see if there world really was disappearing around me like It felt like it did. Were we actually transcending into another universe together. Hopefully one where we could always feel like this. His arms wrapped behind me pulling me into him. I was going to pass out yet today I was sure of it. I pulled away much to his dismay, His whine barely audible. I looked at him, His cheeks flushed, his lips swollen and red, his eyes lit up like a galaxy. I looked down at his shaky arm that was wrapped around me. His breath was as rough as mine felt.  A smile came up on his face as he tried to steady his breath “Yeah, I definitely love you.” He said rubbing my back slightly.  “Where are you from?” he asked

“America.” I said. “I love you too.” I said, his cheeks flushed a little deeper at that.

“I feel like all of this is so backwards.” He laughed quietly laying his head back against the wall.

“When you have time we can go talk about whatever you want.” I said “I want to know you.” I said sounding needy again, I hated how easy it was to tell him this stuff. “I’ve spent two years only knowing you in here.” I said holding my phone up. I stretched my legs out in front of me and leaned back against the wall.

“come with me?” He said holding is hand out for me. I grabbed it, it felt like it was meant for me and only me, like I could never hold anyone else’s hand ever again. “I have the day off now.” He said laughing. We stood up and he led me out of the practice room to a stair case. I watched him as he walked up the stairs. He was so delicately beautiful. A few flights later we were on the roof, There was a bunch of lawn chairs and tables on the roof. He led me to a table that overlooked the city around us. I sat there and he sat across from me. He looked out at the world then at me. “wow.” He said. “I always wondered what it would be like.” He said. “Tell me how it went for you?” He said I explained the whole thing to him and how much it hurt me and how much I worried about him constantly and I was basically just pouring my heart and literal soul out to him and it was so easy and he looked at me with such deep expressions he was feeling everything I felt, he was real, this was real. as disorienting as it was to be here feeling all this at once It was so incredibly comforting to be near him, to be with him. He held my hand across the table, He’d bring it up to kiss it softly every now and then. I wondered if the intensity of his touch would wear off or would it always be like this. I wondered if he felt it this intensely too. “Tell me if any of this makes sense?” I said “did you feel me like they said you’re supposed to?” I said. Looking down then up at him. He looked at me his cheeks reddened.

“I felt everything.” He said “The first time it was insane, it wasn’t intense like everyone said it was.” He said “I just felt lightheaded and a little sick to my stomach.” He laughed “I thought I hadn’t eaten enough or worked too hard.” He said “it wasn’t until that night I had a dream.” He said looking at me in the eyes “I’ll never forget this first dream.” He said “I was onstage, crowd screaming, the guys around me. I slip and fall and everyone is gone, the crowd, the guys, the crew. It’s dark the lights are shining in my eyes. They couldn’t focus for a long time. Like you know when you take a picture of lights and they’re all glowy? Yeah that’s what my eyes were doing bouncing in and out of focus like that. Then I see something coming towards me from behind the light. I’m trying to hard to see what it is. Then I see, and it’s the most beautiful human in the world.” He said looking at me “I needed to get to you, I needed to be near you, I couldn’t reach you, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t yell for you to come to me. I was opening my mouth and nothing was happening. You looked so lost. So scared, So alone. It hurt me. This dream haunted me for the first little bit.” He said “Then the dreams would change. I would be walking down this dark road trying to get to you. You were always just out of reach.” He said “not matter how much I wanted to get you I couldn’t In some of the dreams you’d tease me. You’d look right at me, through me and I couldn’t do nothing about it. I’d feel so vulnerable and lost in these dreams. In others I was just desperate” he said, His ears reddening. Desperate to touch you, and hold you and kiss you and hear you and Feel you.” He said “feel this.” He said holding our hands up “and so much more.” He said My heart was steadily pounding in my ears, I wondered if he could hear it, if he could feel it. I pulled one hand free and placed it on my chest

“can you feel it?” I asked sounding a little breathless. Was this him? Or me? Are we currently feeling each other? He swallowed hard and nodded placing his hand on his chest. “will it always be like this?” I asked him. “this can’t be healthy.” I laughed.

“I don’t know.” He said laughing quietly. “Tell me about you.” He said “I want to know everything.” He said looking at me, his eyes a glow. The sun was lower in the sky but not quite setting yet. It created a good afternoon glow. I started from birth and made my way up from there. He’d laugh like I was the funniest person in the world, His laugh was the most beautiful sound I’d ever seen. Everyone I was ever attracted to in life lacked compared to him. His boyish features, His soft eyes, I’d never seen true beauty until I met him in person. Our conversation came easy. We had so much in common, our childhoods were told as if we lived down the road from each other. His stories would bounce off of mine, or mine of of his, Our lives interconnected through these innocent memories where we had no idea we’d ever meet in this way, or at all. We were both lonely teens. He often wondered if he would be able to be with his soulmate because of who he became. He wondered if I saw him at his shows and he missed me. He’d always look into the crowd at his events. He’d look around at the airport. He was constantly searching for me because he felt like he failed because he didn’t see me when I saw him. He felt like he failed as a soulmate. He felt every ounce of sadness I felt when I was longing for him. He longed for me to find me and apologize. And he did apologize and it hurt to see him think he wasn’t enough. I wasn’t sure if I should tell him of the fate I was told of for him? Was that against the rules? Were there rules? He’d hurt enough already, I didn’t dare want to hurt him more let alone live without him. It could be wrong anyway.

“you’re sad.” He said looking at me worried, I couldn’t hide nothing from him now but I’d damn sure try and hide this for the rest of my life.

“you can never fail me.” I said. “ever. I hope I never fail you.” I said. “please always be here with me.” I said as tears started welling In my eyes

“I’ll always be with you now.” He said “we’ll never be apart.” He said reaching for my hand and pulling me up and towards him. He sat me across his lap. I felt so small in his arms and safe. and scared for him in this moment. I wanted nothing more in life than to protect him forever. He held me close to him, I could hear his heartbeat syncing with mine. His hands holding on to me at my hip, My one arm wrapped around him and I leaned into him. The nape of his neck warm, I kissed his pulse point and felt is on my lips, I hoped I’d always feel it there. The tears were falling steadily now. “don’t be sad.” He said to me in the softest voice. “you’ll be okay as long as I’m here.” He said. He had no idea what he was saying and how much it really meant to me, or maybe he did. “I’ll love you forever.” He said as he turned to kiss my lips softly. My hands immediately found his hair, I ran my hands through the ends as we kissed softly. His nose bumping mine. His hands holding onto me tightly. This kiss much more innocent than our last one but still had just as much of an effect on me as the first. My stomach was in knots as I tried to stop the tears and let him comfort me. I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t have come. His poor soul didn’t deserve me, I didn’t deserve him. His lips meeting my lips with growing intensity, his hands gripping me tighter, My breath coming in harsh breaths now as I had stopped crying. He kissed up my cheek and down again. I leaned my forehead against his, His breath cool on my damp cheeks.

[poisonatreyu]

     Atreyu had not seen nor heard from his family since the fateful night in the catacombs seemingly so long ago now. It wouldn’t have seemed such an odd predicament had his older brother not been included in such a fact. For them to not at the very least write each other once a week sat within the San’layn’s still chest uncomfortably. He had been sure that Dashiell wasn’t seen when they entered or exited, but he hadn’t considered what the consequences might be of Visceran being spotted, or Atreyu himself after the change had occurred. Even with the circumstances, and the ring gifted to himself from his sire turning nervously on his right index finger, Atreyu was greeted as he always was when he could spare a visit to the island. Guards bowed their heads in respect as the olive eyed elf passed by, nervous glances awarded to nearly every single one until he was certain… they didn’t know. The ring gave him the appearance of his former self, and if there had been rumors of the events, they were doing splendidly at hiding their knowledge of it. 

     It wasn’t until he reached the glass doors of the main house that he was finally stopped, and by a familiar face. An elderly female Sin’dorei, Narsistra, all but dropped the tray of tea she was caring through the foyer when she spotted the seldom seen youngest of the Lord. “Little Artie!” She called as her heels clicked on the marble floors, hurrying to inspect the male. Atreyu couldn’t help the smile that broke across his lips, grateful there was no sign of the fangs that he’d gotten quite used to sheathing behind the pink flesh. His feet were planted obediently, but his head swiveled on his shoulders to watch as she circled him, minding the tray, and examined the well being of who might as well have been her own son. “Look at you, little darling! Absolutely glowing…” She gasped as her eyes traced the curves and contours of the muscle beneath his simple shirt. “That figure! Oh, Artie, the hearts that would be broken if you were to honor a celebration with your presence once again.” The comment hardly surprised him; she’d been telling him of the hearts he would break since he was old enough to understand the Thalassian himself. 

     “Careful, Nana. If you allow my head to swell any larger, I fear for the roof and the wrath of my father that would surely ensue.” He paused and glanced towards the tea, then towards the study down the corridor. “Speaking of, I don’t suppose that’s for him? If my memory serves me correctly, he’s right in the middle of his break from cursing my name and conspiring to buy all of Silvermoon.” Atreyu smirked as he smoothly moved his larger hands beneath the tray and slipped it away from his nanny, finding the scowl his comment had brought amusing all on it’s own. “Atreyu Silverwing, now you know he’s never done such a thing, but yes. He’s just there into his study.” With one hand on her hip, she pointed him in the direction his feet were already taking him, only now she’d left him chuckling entirely. They both knew that if Cantin could take back his decision to allow Atreyu’s birth, he would. 

     Cantin Silverwing was a vision himself. Age had hardly gotten the better of the Lord despite his arriving on four hundred years very rapidly. He couldn’t have looked more opposite to Atreyu if he’d tried. Where the younger elf had tanned skin and nearly black hair, a square jaw and taller build, the man he’d called his father his entire life was fair. Brilliant blonde hair that any female would envy, milky white tones where the fine robes exposed him, and eyes nearly as clear as the most treasured of diamonds. He was stunning, physically. A specimen to be studied and cherished. Why any female could find herself drawn into the arms of another when she had him at her side was beyond anyone who didn’t know the family. Lost in whatever book had caught his fancy, Cantin didn’t even look up when Atreyu’s footsteps came to a halt just inside the entryway. “Just set it down on the coffee table, Narsistra. I’ll attend to it myself once I’ve finished.”      The feet didn’t move to obey the order. Instead, Atreyu remained just inside of the room with his odd colored green gaze falling gently on the other male. “Hello, Father.” The Lord’s head snapped up to view what he’d been positive he’d imagined. Alas, there he was. The average looking blight left on the family name. Cantin’s lips pursed as he closed the book between his palms and set it aside, all the while refusing to pull his eyes from his youngest son’s. “Your mother isn’t in at the moment. She’s having some… tea party with her friends in Silvermoon. I don’t imagine she’ll return until later in the week.” Finally, he stood to begin making his way to retrieve the tray himself. “I apologize for the wasted trip.” 

     Atreyu didn’t release his grip of the ornate silver tray leaving Cantin to fold his arms over his chest with a certain curiosity in his eyes. “Actually, I’m not here to see her. I’m sorry that I’ve missed her, but I believe this conversation would be better had privately regardless. Shall we sit?” He didn’t give his father a chance to argue before he was carrying the tray to the coffee table that had been mentioned earlier, and set it down in the center. “Two sugars and just a drop of cream still?” Cantin arched a perfectly groomed blonde brow, but nodded his head in confirmation. “I don’t suppose you’re here to plead for a home again, are you?” He asked in that condescending tone of his as he eased himself into the sofa that sat across from the one Atreyu had claimed for himself. 

     The disguised San’layn finished tending to Cantin’s tea and offered it over with a soft chuckle. It was all he could do to not end the wretched man’s life right then and there. “In a sense,” he admitted as he poured his own tea and began to relax into the sofa with it in his palms. “Do you remember when I was a child, you sat down myself and Zelthan to have the conversation about heirs and responsibility? You informed us that Zel would, when the time came, inherit the family home while I would only be allowed a parcel upon my engagement? It was the agreement my mother forced you into, I’m sure.” Though the two men showed absolutely nothing in common when it came to their physical appearance, Atreyu had spent years practicing the smirk that Cantin gave to every being that seemed below him. In the Lord’s eyes, it was indeed every being. 

     The tea Atreyu had served him was suddenly a thing of the past, cast back to the coffee table and forgotten as if it had not existed at all. “Of course I remember that conversation. I shooed every eligible female away from you at every party you ever attended with us. Let me guess… You’ve found yourself a bride. Likely someone picked up from the gutters or the sewers of that insufferable city Dalaran has become. You’ve come to claim your prize.” Cantin chuckled, the sound much softer than the thunder that Atreyu’s voice brought on, and rolled his head back a little. “I must have done something right with you, Artie, for you to not forget a thing like that.” It was just like him to claim ownership of anything he thought could be successful. Even if the sight of Atreyu made him nauseous, he could count on one hand how many knew that he’d not been the cause of his conception. That left several hundred who would believe that the elf rising in society once again could be attributed to Cantin being his savior. He would be praised and doted on, surely.      “A groom.” The words cut through the fantasy scenario Cantin had dreamed up. The smirk was sliced from his features the way a revered chef cut so easily through the most tender ham. “His name is Dahiell. I’ve asked him to marry me and he’s accepted. I’ll never be able to lay the world at his feet the way he --”

     “Shut up.” The words were snarled in such a way that Atreyu hadn’t heard in so long, his features were shocked to a tone that almost matched the Lord’s. “Are you out of your mind, Atreyu? Do you have any idea what that would do to our family - to your mother?” Cantin schooled his features as he brought his voice down to the quiet kind of seething. “Don’t think I didn’t know what you were up to, sneaking around with caterers and lowly noblemen whose wives had dried up long before you were born, but this?” His nostrils flared as he shook his head. “You at least at the mind to be discreet with your preferences as a child.” 

     In the span of the so obviously expressed disappointment, Atreyu had lowered his gaze to his lap. He may have looked like any other Sin’dorei, but the angered heat that was rising to the surface of Cantin’s skin was growing stronger and stronger, whispering a lullaby that only Atreyu could hear. He swallowed back hard and nodded his head to simply keep himself busy. “I don’t expect you to understand, Father. I’m not asking to be seen as a family alongside yours. I’m not even sure I’m going to keep my name over his own. I simply came to ask for what I was promised should I fill the necessary requirements. You never asked me for a bride, that was always Zelthan’s job. He was going to give you grandchildren that were actually yours. You’d excused me from that long ago.” Atreyu stood from the couch and leaned over to set his untouched cup of tea down on the edge of the table. “I’ve visited the house. It’s overgrown, decaying, practically a ruin. All I want is the deed in my name. Consider it a wedding gift.” 

     “Get out of my sight,” Cantin hissed, though Atreyu could see that the disappointment filling the Lord’s eyes was far greater than the hatred he wanted to convince his son was there. Atreyu nodded his head before folding his hands behind his back and bowing with respect at his waist. 

     “You can expect an invitation in the mail shortly.”

                         // @somberset // @reborn-in-blood

[boredom-thingy]

TL;DR- I have been sorta kinda diagnosed with Executive Function disorder (psychologist said it was very very very likely that I was suffering from it, but he couldn’t do anything) and I think I’m emotionally abused by my parents. I’m still trying to figure out whats what and what problem comes from where and if I can life hack it. I’m looking for help and/or other people suffering from the same things to add to the list. This is my list of symptoms.

Hey, all of you out there who struggle with executive function disorder or have been emotionally abused, or both. I have sorta been diagnosed with EFD and I think I’m being emotionally abused (I could be wrong and over reacting, I honestly can’t tell). Its been a while but I’m slowly discovering more and more symptoms that I thought were normal or scared the shit outta me (and still do) originally. Here’s an incomplete list, mind agreeing or disagreeing with them and adding your own? And/or how you deal with them?

My Incomplete (and ever growing) List-

Time. My sense of time is off, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. There are times when I think something happened 2 months ago when in reality, it happened years ago. I can be left home alone and when my parents get home and ask me what I did for hours on end, I have zero clue, its just a blank hole. I lose track of time extremely easily too.

Other Disorders. I often feel like my particular brand of screwyness happens to combine other mental illnesses/disorders like insomnia, depression, anxiety, adhd, add, odd, and paranoia among others

Depersonalization/derealization(dissociation). Especially here recently, I think I’ve been suffering from episodes of Depersonalization-derealization disorder. Its happened in the past but not as much as right now.

I feel like I’m going insane. Constantly. I feel like I’m over-reacting to everything, like everything is in my imagination.

I always feel like I’ve done something wrong/upset people. People I don’t know, people I do know, people I love. I always feel like I’ve upset them or I’m some kind of burden or I’ve done something wrong. (Leads to me apologizing to a chair for hitting it.)

Extreme clumsiness. This one is prolly just me. But its often a source of anxiety for me.

Social skills are next to nothing. I can’t make friends. All the ones I have were introduced to me by other people or approached me on my own. And most of the time they end up ditching me and telling me its my fault. Also, my timing is shit. I’ll walk up and ask you for something while you're busy.

Cotton. I feel like my head is full of cotton, like I can’t think straight. My thoughts are either spaghetti or a train wreck. I lose track of what I was thinking extremely easily.

Memory. My memory is shit. My parents claim its not, and I feel like it didn’t used to be, but it is now. I forget how to do something when I read or heard the instructions 10 seconds earlier. I forget things that are important to me, things that I wanted to get or do. I forget when things happened (ties in with the time issue.) I can’t remember important life events, or more accurately, I can remember them, but the memory seems weirdly muddled and I cant remember when it happened.

Food. I love food. But there are times when I’m light-headed and dizzy, and I know I should eat, but I just... Don’t want to. The thought makes me nauseous, its too hard to get up, I’m not actually feeling hungry (despite the fact that I can hear my angry tummy and I can feel the light-headed/dizziness), etc. 

Being left alone (especially with not much to do). I don’t fear abandonment (ok I do a little, but that not the problem here.) I fear my own brain. I hate being left alone, especially for long periods of time because when I run out of things to keep my mind occupied, all those thoughts I forced to go away come steam rolling back. Intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, self harm thoughts, extremely depressing thoughts, disturbing thoughts that scare me witless, thoughts of running away, etc. I can’t stand my own brain. It scares me.

Motivation. I go to school online, 4.1 gpa (so far) and I am a fairly self motivated person. But there are times when I can barely find the motivation to grab my glasses off the nightstand 2 inches from my face and other times when I’m motivated to do something, I’m almost in a frenzy, and I’m hyper-focused on it. And there are times when I really want to do something (usually something that I love, like a hobby) but the thought of doing it makes me nauseous and I just don’t want to. Or if its a creative thing, like writing, I can’t seem to form a single idea or spark to get me started. My brain nopes out and I can’t do anything but stare at the paper, desperately wanting to write, but my brain is a bout as blank as the paper is.

Body-brain disconnect. Sometime my body and my brain seem to be on separate wavelengths. I want to stop scrolling through pinterest, but I can’t seem to make myself. I want to get up and eat, I know I need to, but I can’t make myself. I want to get up and do dishes or take a shower or do something, but my body just wont move. I want to go do something fun, like watch tv or draw, but I’m no moving, no matter how much I want it.

Pain. I am always in some kind of physical and/or mental pain. Headaches(near constant dull headache), back aches(always), cramps even when no where near that time(I am female), random muscle twitches/spasms/aches, etc. Oh and nausea. I’m nauseous a LOT. I also am light-headed or dizzy (or both) a lot.

Extreme mood swings.  I go from being so happy I could burst to emotionally shut down and sobbing in the corner in the blink of an eye. I go from being so pissed off that I want to slam my fist through a wall and break things to being so depressed I want to kill myself and repeatedly slam my head against the wall until I can’t see straight. I also sometimes get extremely frustrated/angry with the smallest things, like a noise, or something not working right, or the pets being annoying. Sometimes it gets to the point where I want to scream and break something or hit something (I never do and try my absolute hardest not to.)

Morbid thoughts. Fleeting morbid thoughts, generally about somehow injuring/harming myself. I might see a light socket and think “oh hey, you should stick a fork in that and see what happens” or I might see a pair of nail clippers or scissors and think “I wonder what would happen if I tried to cut x-spot on my body with those.” When I was younger, I used to want to sew patterns in my skin with a sewing needle and thread (never did, thank god) so they would scar over and create neat patterns on my skin.

War. I feel like I'm at war with my own brain, I talk to myself a lot. (I am an only child with parents that run their own business ((making them constantly busy)) so that is very possibly a reason I talk to myself. I also have very few friends and I talk to walls and my two dogs as well.) I tell my brain to shut up, to stop it, I feel like it has a mind of its own. Thats weird to say. (woooooo I'm totally crazy, right?)

Apologies. I apologize to literally everything. And about everything. I’ll apologize to a chair for bumping it. I apologize to my boyfriend when I rant to him or ask for help from him. I apologize for anything and everything, small or big. The bigger the issue, the more embarrassed and upset I am about it. Even if its not big to the other person. Ties in with always feeling like I did something wrong.

Defense. I am always on the defense, and sometimes it turns into offense. I always feel like I have to defend myself and everything I do or say that might have even the smallest chance of upsetting someone. And if I know it has or will upset someone, I defend myself more, to the point that it sometimes becomes offense. I can’t stop myself, I feel like I have to defend myself or I’m going to lose something or someone, or they’re going to take something I want or love away from me.

Noises and other various audio things.  Sometimes I feel like I can just barely hear someone calling my name, or a song, or a noise, or something just barely audible, but no matter how much I search for it, I can’t find it. Other times I can quite clearly hear someone calling my name, but I’m home alone, or when I ask my parents or the other people around me, they respond with confusion and a “no one called your name.” Other time noises, like beeps from the printer, even when I’m the one causing it and/or I’ve heard it multiple times in the past few minutes, jar me. They cause a jarring sensation, that is almost bone deep, I feel it in the back of my skull and it causes me to jump just a little.

All of these things are terrifying to me at various levels and they only seem to be getting worse. I study psychology for fun, I plan on going into it as a profession, eventually. I have done research on most of this, but I can’t find much on any of it (except emotional abuse), especially executive function disorder. Please help? (I am always adding to things when I think of more.)

@bradshore @katimorton @we-care-org

[cancerousjojian]

peter parker college!au

part 3: college parties ;

A/N: okay first off, i apologize for taking THREE MONTHS to post part 3 of this au. ironically enough, i’ve been so busy with college that i haven;t had much time for writing. i hope this was worth the wait! thanks for sticking around!

Pairing: Peter Parker x College!Student reader

Word count: 1.8k

part one | part two

You really had no idea how you ended up there.

Only five weeks into your college career and you were already partying in a frat house that smelled like it pumped cologne and testosterone through the air vents. It was all Julie’s fault, actually. She was the one who somehow convinced you to attend with her. She begged you for twenty minutes, explaining how the boy who was throwing the party — who you already forgot the name of — invited her personally and how she had a huge crush on him and really, really wanted to go.

As you sat on the imitation leather couch, you thought about how just weeks ago Julie was barely speaking to you out of shyness. Now she was dragging you to parties against your will. You couldn’t complain too much, though. Despite the overwhelming smell of alcohol in the air and music that was too loud to enjoy, the snacks being served were actually quite good. Frat boys 1, campus cafeteria 0.

You started to zone out for a moment, clutching the plastic cup that started to sweat in your hand. It was only filled with soda, but as you looked across the house at your roommate, you knew she was drinking liquor. She stood, slacked against the counter talking to people you didn’t recognize. She didn’t look intoxicated, she wore a smile you’ve seen so many times before. You made a mental note to keep checking on her sobriety throughout the night.

With a yawn, you rubbed your eyes and checked the time on your phone. It was 11pm, surely the party was not going to be over anytime soon. You drafted a text to Julie; So you drag me to this party so I can sit by myself while you chat up some sweaty jock? You send the text and immediately regret it. Julie was finally breaking out of her shell and you didn’t want to get in the way of her socializing. You send an emoji to lighten your tone. Sorry. That was harsh.

You’re looking at Julie, waiting for her to receive your text when you felt someone sit next to you. You felt your phone vibrate in your lap, surely a reply from Julie. Your mind was somewhere else, though, when you turned your head to see none other than Peter Parker sitting inches away from you. You almost had to physically stop yourself from doing a double take.

You waited for him to greet you first, but when he didn’t, all you could think to say was “Hi.”

Peter’s eyes lit up when he turned to face you. “Oh, hey, Y/N. I wasn’t expecting you to be here.” He offered a weak smile.

You knew he didn’t mean anything by the comment, but it still stung a little bit, like you weren’t cool enough to go to parties. You brushed it off, too content in the situation to be upset about it. “Hey, isn’t it time for your nightly helping of a hearty bowl of tomato soup?” You asked as you recalled the odd circumstances under which you shared your first real conversation with him.

A laugh escaped Peter’s lips. “Actually, yes. I’m honestly pretty bored here. I don’t know why I came.” His smile faded.

“Oh. Yeah. I only came because Julie wanted to come and I wanted to be a good friend, but this whole thing is turning out to be a really bad idea. I think Julie’s on her seventh helping of chips and guac.” You looked over towards the crowded kitchen where your roommate stood, chugging the liquid in her solo cup. She put a hand over her stomach when she was finished, doubling over the wooden island countertop, and a guy you didn’t recognize had his arm lazily slung over her shoulders. She was laughing at something he said. A flash of worry and concern swept over you at the sight.

A lull of silence passed between you and Peter. “I- I’m going to go check on Julie. See you later.” You said the words and got up out of your seat without even waiting for a response. You had to shove your way through a crowd of people to make it to her, where she was intently listening to the guy tell a story.

“Julie,” you put a hand on her shoulder, letting you know you were there. “I think we should leave. You’re really drunk.” You talked lowly so only she could hear, helping her to stand up. When she stood, her body seemed to limp and hang on to you.

She was so drunk she didn’t even argue with you, and as you helped her navigate through a group of college students, she yelled a goodbye to the boy she was talking to. “Y/N... where are we going?”

“Our dorm.”

Julie erupted with laughter. “Oh! Our dorm,” she paused and you could smell the alcohol on her. “Why?”

You finally made it outside, where you planned to walk the short distance back to your dorm where you could safely put your roommate to sleep.

“Because you’re very drunk. And that guy was being creepy. You shouldn’t talk to him anymore.”

“Whaaaaaatever you say!” Julie slurred her words to you as you reached your hall, opting to take the elevator rather than the stairs, which would surely prove to be challenging for your drunken friend.

Your dorm was a mess from the night before, papers and notecards spread out where you and Julie were collaboratively studying. You reminded yourself to clean up after she was asleep. You turned to her, putting your hands on either of her shoulders to steady her and look into her eyes. Her skin was warm to the touch. “Go put on some comfy clothes, please. You need sleep.”

Julie followed your orders, disappearing into her quarters to change. After, you tried to lay her down in a comfortable position. She groaned as you laid her body down, putting a hand up to her head. “I’m nauseous. Y/N, why am I nauseous?” Her voice began to quiver as you saw tears well up in her eyes. You felt your stomach sink and she let out a cry and you tucked the blankets over her body.

“Julie, you’re fine,” you say down at the foot of the cramped bed. “Here, have some water.” You handed her the glass of water you poured for her and watched her sit up, drink the whole thing, and lay back down. By this time her tears were dried.

You were still worried about her, even as she settled down to go to sleep. So much so that when you went to go to sleep yourself, the thought of Julie getting sick again kept you up. A half hour later, you whispered, “Julie?” from atop your bunk.

“Y/N?” She replied right away, much to your defeat.

You groaned. “Why are you still up? Go to sleep!”

“Wow! I could say the same thing to you, you know!” She whisper-shouted at you. You ran your fingers through your hair, the tension increasing. It was comical how much drunk Julie acted and behaved like sober Julie.

If only you had someone — anyone — to help you take care of Julie.

When the idea popped into your head, your tried to repress it. No, no, no. You couldn’t rope Peter into helping you babysit her. That would be cruel.

On the contrary, you did want to see him again, as much as you told yourself you didn’t. And he would probably still be up.

You sighed and shook your head at what you were about to do. Climbing down from your bed, you heard Julie call out after you, asking where you were going. “I’ll be right back, just stay here.”

Walking down the hall, it seemed as though your legs moved forward without you making them. It was only a minute before you were facing Peter’s dorm door. With a weary knock, you prepared what you would say if he even opened the door.

A few seconds later, you were standing in front of a shirtless Peter Parker. “Oh, um, hey Y/N.” He said and you didn’t reply right away, too taken aback to form words. “Sorry, I thought you were Ned.” He reached for a sweater and swiftly pulled it over his head.

“Oh, yeah.” You paused.

It was silent as neither of you spoke.

“So, what’s up?” Peter said.

“Oh! Sorry. Um, sorry to bother you but do you have any ibuprofen or anything? As I’m sure you saw, Julie is really drunk and I don’t know what to do with her.”

“Yeah, I should have some! Just give me a few minutes to look for it.” He smiled softly at you before disappearing into the dim lighting of his dorm. You told him to knock on your door when he found it, leaving to make sure Julie was still safely in bed.

To your ease, she was still sitting up in her bed, quietly humming a song to herself. She heard you return and jerked to turn to face you. “Hi Y/N!”

You barely hummed a response when you heard a knock on your door. Peter walked in with his palm closed, wearing a small smile. “Thank you,” you mumbles, grabbing the medication from him. His hand brushed yours in the process, sending a shiver down your spine.

Julie took the pills without hesitation, leaving you and Peter standing at the foot of her bed in an awkward silence. You thought of anything that would break the tension. “Thanks again for helping me babysit my roommate. I’ll make her buy you a thank you card when she’s sober.”

Peter smiled again, and your heart fluttered at the sight. It was ridiculous how attractive his smile was. “No worries!”

The silence fell again. It felt like neither of you wanted to leave.

“Hey, I was thinking about taking you up on your studying offer. I’m kind of falling behind in biology, and I would love some help.”

Peter’s eyes lit up at your words. He was eager to help you with anything, and that made you feel giddy inside. “Definitely! Meet me at...” he paused to think. “My dorm. Meet me at my dorm tomorrow and I’ll help you study.”

You felt blood rush to your cheeks. “Will do. Thanks, Peter.”

When he left, you paused at the door to ponder for a moment. There was no point in denying your feelings, you were falling hard for him. You silently cursed yourself as you stealthy tip toed back to your bed.

“Hey Y/N?” A voice uttered beneath you.

Your heart dropped to the pit of your stomach. “What, Julie?” The words came out a little colder than intended.

“You’re not in a biology class.” She said matter-of-factly.

“Shut up.” You couldn’t help but chuckle because she was right.

You reached over to turn your desk lamp off. In a sing-song tone, your intoxicated roomate uttered a “Goodnight!” before rolling over and falling asleep for good.

Tag list: @tom-hollands-eyelash @farfromjustordinary @ardentmuse@awk0nduoma @tomhollandismygod @itsanonymouschick

[jennycalendar]

imperfections (51/?)

read it on ao3!

looks like we’re back to semi regular updates ig???? who knows??????

So now Xander was living with Giles, Faith, and Ms. Calendar, in a two-story house with a living room and a study and an actual library. To be fair, he’d been living with them for a few weeks before the move, but there was a difference between crashing on Ms. Calendar’s couch and having an actual bedroom in Ms. Calendar’s house.Like, sometimes he’d get up for a midnight snack, because that was a thing he was allowed to do now, because this was his home. Every single part of the arrangement felt absolutely surreal.

A particularly weird part was the morning. Back at Ms. Calendar’s old place, Xander had gotten up early, grabbed some milk and cereal, and headed to school by himself. Eating breakfast with a group of people wasn’t something he had ever done at home, and he didn’t want to get into a habit he’d just have to break. Now, though—

“We have seventeen minutes before we need to head out,” Giles announced to the room at large, flipping a pancake with precision. “Is everyone going to be done eating by then?”

“I’m already done, slowpokes,” said Faith with her mouth full.

“I think you have to chew and swallow to qualify as done,” pointed out Ms. Calendar, who was idly flipping through the newspaper while she drank her coffee. “Xander, your homework is still all over the living room. Can you pack it up after breakfast?”

“Sure,” said Xander, struck by the ridiculous domesticity of the moment. Looking at them from the outside, and without context…for a few seconds, he imagined a world where Giles was his dad and Ms. Calendar was his mom and Faith was his annoying little sister. They looked alike enough for it to be plausible, he thought.

“Are you gonna eat that?” Faith enquired, gesturing a greasy fork at Xander’s leftover bacon.

“Faith, I can make you more bacon,” said Giles. “Kindly do not harangue Xander about the food that is rightfully his.”

“Waste not, want not, Giles,” Faith persisted. “If he doesn’t want it—”

“I’m eating at least half of what’s left,” said Xander, too amused to be irritated. “But if you take whatever there is after that, I get some of your dinner tonight.”

“Deal,” said Faith.

“Has anyone heard of politely asking for seconds?” said Giles to the stove.

“Top me off, babe,” said Ms. Calendar, holding out her mug without looking up from the newspaper.

“Emphasis on politely, Jenny,” said Giles. “Though it is delightful to know that I’ve become a glorified servant to all of you.” Despite his theatrics, he crossed the room with a small smile, taking Ms. Calendar’s mug to fill it again.

Xander took a few more bites of bacon, then pushed the plate over to Faith, getting up from the table. “Should I, uh, homework?” he said uncertainly.

“You should definitely homework,” Ms. Calendar agreed. “Get it all together and head down to the car, okay? We should all be done pretty soon.”

Pretty soon didn’t work as well as it had in the old house, particularly not when Jenny, used to driving a relatively shorter distance from home to work, got them lost in their new neighborhood for a good fifteen minutes. By the time they all got to school, the kids had missed first period, Jenny had missed an important faculty meeting, and Rupert had missed his usual morning briefing with Buffy. As such, when Rupert and Jenny entered the library, neither of them were expecting Buffy to still be there, which was why it came as such a surprise to see her sitting stiffly at the library table.

“Buffy, you have physics,” said Rupert reprovingly.

“Giles, we need to talk,” said Buffy flatly. “Something seriously messed up went down on patrol last night, and my mom was there.”

Jenny and Rupert exchanged a horrified look. “Goodness,” said Rupert weakly. “Is she all right?”

“What?” Buffy blinked. “Oh, no, she didn’t—she isn’t hurt or anything. We just…” She swallowed, hard, looking vaguely nauseous. “We came across a couple of dead bodies.”

“Oh,” said Rupert, relaxing slightly. “Well, I’m, I’m sorry to hear your mother was shaken by—”

“Kids’ bodies,” said Buffy.

Rupert paled. Jenny reached for his hand, feeling very much like throwing up herself. “God,” she whispered. “Do you know anything about who did it?”

“Only that they’re going to wish they were dead when I find them,” said Buffy grimly.

“Buffy, please do keep a level head,” said Rupert anxiously.

Buffy stood up, very nearly knocking a chair over. “Don’t tell me to calm down, Giles!” she snapped. “They were kids! Little kids, and my mom can barely speak—”

“I’m well aware,” said Rupert, his grip tightening on Jenny’s hand. “I simply don’t want you rushing in after this type of monster with limited information.”

This seemed to relax Buffy, if only slightly. “We have some info,” she said, picking up a pen and a nearby notebook and scribbling something down on it. “There were no, no vampire bites or anything, but there was this symbol on their hands.” To both Rupert and Jenny’s surprise, Buffy handed the notebook to Jenny, looking anxiously up at her. “Ms. Calendar, you’ve been teaching Willow magic,” she said. “Do you know this symbol?”

Jenny looked down. Squinted. Took the notebook with her free hand, turning it upside down. “This symbol,” she said. “Are you sure you didn’t get it wrong?”

“I definitely didn’t,” said Buffy quietly. “It’s burned into my brain.”

“You know it?” Rupert sounded somewhat surprised.

“Well, yeah,” said Jenny, handing the notebook back to Buffy. “Willow—uh—I hate to ruin your birthday, Buffy, but Willow’s been setting up a little protection spell for you as a present. This is the primary symbol she and I have been using to cast it. People use it in spells cast out of love and compassion.”

“Nothing about those dead kids screamed love and compassion,” said Buffy, frowning. “You’re sure you didn’t get it wrong?”

“As soon as Willow comes in, I can show you the book,” said Jenny, genuinely confused. “That sigil’s harmless. Whatever killed those kids, it had nothing to do with that.”

“So it could have been some, some monster, or—” Rupert began.

“I don’t know,” said Buffy miserably. “And I don’t like not knowing, especially when this stupid town is starting to kill kids.”

“You know we’ll figure it out,” said Rupert gently, reaching out to squeeze Buffy’s shoulder.

“I haven’t figured a single thing out,” said Giles dismally.

“Chin up, man,” said Faith, squinting at some particularly gory illustrations in the book she was flipping through. “Weird-ass symbols are your thing, right?”

“Not when they’re completely disconnected from the way those children died,” said Giles, turning the page of a thick volume all but morosely. “There’s no causal link for me to explore—”

“Well, we’ll hack this,” said Jen, shifting the book in her arms and bending to press a kiss to Giles’s cheek. He smiled. “That’s what we do.”

The library doors opened, and Faith looked up. To her surprise, Mrs. Summers entered, stopping nervously by the checkout desk and looking at all of them with a tense, miserable expression.

“Joyce,” said Jen, dropping her book on the table and hurrying to cross the room. “I am so sor—”

“Oh, I’m fine, Jenny, but thank you,” said Mrs. Summers in a small, thin voice. “It’s been…trying, that’s all.”

“Understandably,” said Giles, putting his book down.

“I came to invite you to a vigil at City Hall,” Mrs. Summers informed Jen. “And Mr. Giles, too, of course. We need all the help we can get to make sure that something like this never happens again.”

“Joyce, I’m not exactly sure how much the Mayor can do about this one,” said Jen carefully.

“Well, we won’t know until we take action,” said Mrs. Summers matter-of-factly. “I really hope you’ll be there, Ms. Calendar. It’d mean a lot to me.”

“Of course,” said Jen gently.

Mrs. Summers nodded, an off-balance, wobbly nod, and then she turned and hurried out of the library again.

“Sorry,” said Jen to Giles. “Executive decision.”

“Oh, no, it’s, it’s perfectly all right,” said Giles. “Lord knows we’re not doing all that much here.” He stood up, closing his book. “I suppose we should head home and get ready for the, ah, vigil?”

“Sounds reasonable,” Jen agreed, then hesitated. “Faith, if you want to stay home—”

“Nah,” said Faith. “This shit is sick. Maybe vigil-ing isn’t gonna do all that much, but being around other angry people kinda sounds pretty good right now.”

“Interesting reasoning,” said Giles. “I entirely concur.”

Apparently, there were a lot of other angry people.

“Okay,” said Jenny, looking around at the many signs reading NEVER AGAIN in furious red letters. “This is new, even for Sunnydale. Remember that time that half the swim team died and all we did was hold a half-assed memorial service?”

“Yes, well, they weren’t seven-year-olds,” Rupert reminded her.

“I don’t know,” said Faith. “I kinda agree with Jen. A lot of people go missing in this town, but this is the first time something as big as this has kicked off.”

“Never underestimate the raw, untempered power of my totally terrifying mom,” said Buffy dryly, stepping up to the group with Willow in tow.

“Well, at least your mom’s making an effort,” said Willow. “My mom’s probably…” She trailed off, eyes fixed on a redheaded woman crossing the room to them. “Heading right towards us. Mom?”

Jenny knew very, very little about Willow’s mom, but what she did know, she didn’t at all like. She was already opening her mouth to say something along the lines of hey, I’m the lady who’s been keeping an eye on your emotionally neglected kid when she felt a hand on the small of her back. “Easy,” said Rupert quietly.

“Mom, what are you doing here?” Willow was saying nervously.

“Oh, well, I read about it in the paper, and what with your dad out of town…” Mrs. Rosenberg trailed off, blinking at Willow as if seeing her for the first time. “Willow, you cut off your hair!” she said, sounding genuinely surprised. “Huh. That’s a new look.”

“She cut it back in August,” said Jenny coolly.

Willow turned a miserable shade of red, staring down at her shoes. Belatedly, and horribly, Jenny realized her mistake: Willow had always very pointedly avoided mentioning her mom. Having Mrs. Rosenberg so visibly out of touch in front of her friends couldn’t be a good experience for Willow.

Mrs. Rosenberg missed absolutely all of this. “I like it,” she said brightly to Willow, then turned to Jenny. “And you are…”

“Jenny Calendar,” said Jenny, doing her best to smile. “Willow’s computer science teacher. You know, you’ve got a really remarkable kid there, Mrs. Rosenberg.”

Willow looked up, a small smile on her face.

“I’ll second that,” said Rupert, catching on. “Rupert Giles, Sunnydale High’s librarian. Willow is a treasure and an incredible help around the library.”

Willow glowed.

“Lovely to meet you both,” said Mrs. Rosenberg with a sort of bland politeness. Jenny really didn’t like her.

This was, of course, when Joyce crossed the room to shake Mrs. Rosenberg’s hand. “Sheila, I’m so glad you could come,” she said warmly.

“Well, with the rumors going around…” Mrs. Rosenberg trailed off.

“Rumors?” Rupert echoed, frowning.

“About witches,” said Mrs. Rosenberg. “People calling themselves witches are responsible for this brutal crime.”

Rupert and Jenny exchanged a bemused look. “Where’d you get that from?” said Jenny, frowning. “From what I know about that sigil—”

Mrs. Rosenberg’s and Joyce’s eyes snapped to Jenny, both of their expressions all but accusing.

“I research,” said Jenny, exasperated. “I definitely don’t go around murdering kids. Buffy showed me that sigil, and I recognized it from a book I’ve read. It’s a protective symbol, not a ritual murder.”

The suspicion in both women’s faces hadn’t died down, which struck Jenny as odd. Though she didn’t know Mrs. Rosenberg, she liked to think that she was at least on okay terms with Joyce. Just as she was about to ask why, exactly, a casual mention of her research merited so much distrust, some electronic feedback from the microphone up front interrupted them all, and Joyce stepped away from the group.

The Mayor cleared his throat. “Hello, everybody,” he said, and began his speech.

“That was weird, right?” Jenny whispered to Rupert.

“A bit, yes,” Rupert agreed, looking somewhat perturbed. “Aren’t you and Joyce relatively friendly?”

“I mean, we’re not bosom buddies, but she knows me well enough to know I’m not a child murderer,” said Jenny, still a little stung.

“Well, I’m on your team,” said Rupert helpfully.

“Shh,” said Buffy, and jerked her head towards the lectern. The Mayor had stepped down, leaving room for Joyce to step up.

“Thank you,” said Joyce, and considered, then began to speak. “Mr. Mayor, you're dead wrong.”

“About what?” Rupert whispered.

“This is why it pays to listen,” said Buffy through her teeth.

“This is not a good town,” Joyce continued. “How many of us have, have lost someone who, who just disappeared? Or, or got skinned? Or suffered neck rupture? And how many of us have been too afraid to speak out?”

Jenny’s moment of sympathy for the effect these kids had had on Joyce lasted all of two seconds.

“I-I was supposed to lead us in a moment of silence, but…silence is this town's disease.” There was a new, almost scary note to Joyce’s speech. “For too long, we've been plagued by unnatural evils. This isn't our town anymore. It belongs to the monsters and the witches and the Slayers.”

Buffy’s jaw dropped. Willow stared.

Jenny turned to Rupert. “See?” she said in a sharp whisper. “Weird. You can’t tell me that this is normal.”

“Trauma can cause—”

“A lot of things, I agree, but not Joyce deciding to try and run her daughter out of town!”

“I say,” Joyce persisted, “it's time for the grownups to take Sunnydale back. I say we start by finding the people who did this and making them pay.”

As the room erupted into cheers and applause, Jenny tucked her hand into the crook of Rupert’s arm, frowning at the lectern. Worried as she was, she couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something they were missing about this whole mess.

[megbox]

2018 Year In Review

Previous Posts: (2017) (2016) (2015) (2014) (2013) (2012) (2011) 

2018 has not been a banner year for self care. It has not been a banner year for much of anything, to be honest. This year in review will be much less colourful and exciting than they traditionally tend to be. It has been a year of hard work, stress, and feeling the pressure of the less-fun parts of adulthood creeping up on me. It has been really hard, to be totally honest. I have spent the majority of the year in a deep state of exhaustion and distress. There are positives within it all, though. Big positives, such as: 

I went on my longest trip ever away from home. 

I have developed so much in the professional sense and have fallen so deeply in love with social work and my future career path. 

I have made new friends who reflect these changing influences in my life, and the enduring friendships that have survived all of these years continue to strengthen and deepen as time goes on. 

January: 

Tell me - why does January always suck? 2018 began with an opening double shift on New Year’s Day, which I feel is strongly symbolic of the year as a whole because you have an exhausted Megan struggling to responsibly balance my professional responsibilities, self-care, and partying. On January 3rd, Alex and I booked our flights to Asia and in doing so, solidified that we were going through with a plan made drunkenly over the table last summer at a karaoke bar. 

I did get to spend an awesome ski weekend with Alesta, Sydney x 2, and Shelby. It was especially nice because this particular group of people had never spent time all together - we were just united by being a group of girls who love to ski. We hit Lake Louise on Saturday, stayed overnight at a hostel in Banff, and Alesta and I hit Sunshine on Sunday. In Banff, we got a free jug of sangria because we are cute girls. We went to High Rollers and Sydney was drinking IPAs and porters like a pro. I went alone (like... what? Who am I? How drunk was I?) to Dancing Sasquatch after and made friends with some Nova Scotians in line. One of them paid for my cover and bought me not one but two of those infamous Time Machine drinks and extra bonus - Alesta and I got FREE lift passes at Sunshine. 

At the end of the month, my mental health took a sharp nosedive into oblivion and I don’t even really know why. I started experiencing a violent resurgence of something I haven’t felt since the end of the 12th grade, having what I now recognize as panic attacks. The first one came when I was studying on a Sunday at Higher Ground and I had no idea what the fuck was happening, I’d been there for several hours when I suddenly felt the urge to throw up. I packed up all my shit and burst out the door literally gasping for air but ended up being fine. Just shaky and confused. They started happening more frequently after this, with no predictable trigger, and I started to feel the physical manifestations of stress. That was new and it freaked me out. This lent itself to a lot of strange patterns around eating (since I was constantly feeling nauseous, or I thought I was, I didn’t want to have a full stomach. I also thought I had a food intolerance, and because I’m me was 100% convinced I was pregnant because the stress caused me to miss my period). 

February 

Things started to get so bad in February that I had to plead my manager at Famoso for less hours. He was an idiot in general but also did not seem to grasp the severity of what I told him. He would frequently schedule me for these long swing swifts all weekend long, leaving no time or energy for the mountains of homework I had to do. It did not help. 

February was especially busy with school. That’ll be a recurring theme throughout this year. It could honestly be a summary of this entire year - so I’ll spare you the details. But five courses at the University of Calgary is no joke. 

I never needed reading week so badly in my entire life. I was beyond happy to just be able to take a long weekend and not be at Famoso. Shelby arranged for a giant group of her friends to spend the weekend at her friend Sawyer’s massive, absolutely beautiful cabin in Invermere. I got to spend some quality time with two of my favourite people on the planet - Emma and Sydney. From the minute we got into Emma’s car together, to having ciders at the Emerald Lake Lodge on the way, to eating A&W and sharing a bed and “she gon’ fuck the fridge.” Sydney and I spent one afternoon on homework while everyone else went skiing and I was with her when she got the news that she’d won this massive grant and we celebrated by sitting in this magical massage chair and just loving life. We played Drink, Talk, Learn! And I gave a drunken presentation on the history and etiology of pugs. Emma and I went skating on Lake Windermere to cure our hangovers on Sunday. A keg and a bonfire were involved. It was so Canadian, honestly LOL. And so perfect. 

March 

Although I was still struggling with this weird panic-nausea cycle, it lessened through March as more and more assignments were completed. I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel, to use a cliche. I gave three presentations in a week, I remember that being particularly awful. 

I attempted Mellow March for the second time and once again failed. Mildly concerning. I caved on a Wednesday wing night with the Famoso friends. It was 27 days in. So close, so close. 2019 will be my year! 

I started getting really into podcasts at this time because I started commuting using public transit. I got really into Guys We Fucked (which I still love), and This Is Actually Happening. TIAH is kind of fucked up though, and after a while it started to fuck me up. I would have weird dreams about the content and I started becoming paranoid that there was something wrong/extraordinary about me. So I stopped. I guess that is something I have learned about myself this year, is that even when it’s not overt, I am really deeply effected by some of the things I learn. Typically, people of this nature do not excel in the field of social work so allow me to flag this as a place for improvement in the future.

I ran the 5km at the St. Patrick’s Day road race, which was awesome and I won the draw that everyone was entered in and got a FREE pair of these super nice, hot pink New Balance running shoes that I now cherish with my life. 

I had my first round of practicum interviews, which only ended up being one interview because I was offered the placement at CommunityWise before I could interview anywhere else. This is one of the best things to happen the whole year :) 

And a special moment for me as well was on March 31, I got to see Alvvays live. 

April 

In April, I finished hell semester and immediately jetted off to Thailand.

From the get go, the trip was a bit of a shit show. This was my second time to Asia, and my first experience with really planning a trip including flights, hostels, and transportation from place to place without the aid of a tour guide or travel company. We had a time even getting to Bangkok due to an untimely snow storm the day of our departure that forced our flight to Vancouver to be late and causing us to miss our connecting flight to China. After two hours in line at the Air Canada desk, an agent produced a new itinerary for us. Calgary to Los Angeles to Hong Kong to Bangkok. He printed the sheets out and when I looked at the times on the paper, the mental math wasn’t adding up. With me, the mental math never really adds up but this time it seemed impossible that we could leave so much later than planned for our trip and arrive in Bangkok only three hours later than we were supposed to. I brought this up with him and he assured me it was fine. I wasn’t satisfied though, and asked a bunch of other airport personnel the same question. They all said we were fine but lo and behold, we land in Hong Kong and are waiting for the Thai Airlines desk to open so we can retrieve the tickets for the last leg of the journey when the agent there tells us, “They put you on the flight that left yesterday.” Anger and distress ensues. I call Air Canada from the airport in Hong Kong and the call drops. I’m straight up crying on the floor at this point. But in the end – we fucking made it.

In Bangkok, I was welcomed back to the stifling heat and humidity of Asia. We met American doctors-to-be who were at the end of their trip and were totally sick of one another and were very happy to have company. We ate massaman curry for every meal, partied on Khao San Road (those nitrous balloons!!! God, they’re so fun!!), and spent a lot of money on a single cocktail just for a photo op at the top of a skyscraper but the sunset was perfect and it was totally worth it.

In Chiang Mai we drank Sangsom and Coca-Cola by the pool and ate street food out of Styrofoam containers. We met these Americans who were teaching English in Chiang Mai and they took us to a night club on the back of their motorbikes. I did a drug I said I’ve never do in one of the bathrooms at this night club and ended up going home with one of the aforementioned teachers. It was funny to me because at about 3:00pm, Alex and I went back to our hostel to change and get ready for the evening and at that point I said, “I think I’m going to end up hooking up with Cory.” I fucking knew. I KNEW.

In Pai, I had the DIRTIEST hostel experience of my life. I was showering… just fully naked and vulnerable in this nasty ass shower when I saw a bug I did not recognize from my sheltered upbringing crawl out of a hole in the wall. I have never felt more small. It was also 43 degrees and we were staying in a tiny hut with a plug-in fan that only worked half the time and somehow had the effect of making the room hotter? Pai was also the first time we rented motorbikes. It’s honestly so dangerous… like, what the fuck, Thailand. We experienced our first flash rainstorm. We went to a place called Sunset Bar and took mushroom shakes and holy shit I’ve never experienced more potent mushrooms in my entire life. We met our Irish friends who we’d later see in Koh Pha Ngan, and I slept with an Israeli soldier on our second-to-last night and I’m almost 100% certain I took his virginity.

Koh Pha Ngan was alllll thunderstorms. We also decided to splurge a bit on food on this island and gorged ourselves with seafood and lavender Moscow mules at this nice restaurant down the road from our hostel. We partied so hard. We went to the pre-parties for the Full Moon – they have the Waterfall party two nights before, and the Jungle party the night before. I had sex with a total stranger at the Waterfall party up against a rock (when I recounted this story to Steven upon returning home he put on a redneck accent and said, “C’mon baby let me take you down to the fuck rock” and now that’s all I hear when I think about this experience in my head). The Full Moon Party was fun but not AS fun as the pre parties. It wasn’t as wild and the beach is so big but everyone concentrates in one little area. I took some kind of mystery pill (as you can see, I was very safe in Thailand) and had yet another sexual experience with a casual partner. I also witnessed a fight in the taxi back because one girl called another girl a stripper. It was bad.

May 

Continuing on with our Asia trip.

We landed in Krabi and intended fully to chill out a little bit after the wildness of Koh Pha Ngan. The first night was chill, we were staying in the Muslim quarter of the Krabi area so there weren’t a ton of nightclubs to go to and the hostel had some kind of run-in with police and weren’t able to take us out on the pub crawl we signed up for (lame). We had a roommate from Vancouver on the second day who bought a bunch of Xanax from a Thai pharmacy and gave me one. I can never do it again because it was so. good. But of course, I took one pill and stopped drinking just in case. This bitch continued drinking and took six or seven Xanax throughout the night. I honestly don’t know how she lived. We went rock climbing and drank beers on a boat tour one day and it was soooo great. We had the hottest tour guide. I did a hike by my lonesome that I nearly died on.

On the ferry ride from Krabi to Koh Phi Phi is where I got the sunburn that will likely give me skin cancer in later life and kill me. 90 minutes on the outside deck of a ferry (because I felt nauseous as fuck and didn’t want to vom in the cabin) absolutely fucked. me. up. We stayed at another pretty fucking gross hostel in Koh Phi Phi, and my roommates were all male which was a new experience for me. I went on a solo booze cruise cause Alex was sick. We took mushrooms again with our Canadian friend Kelsey and god, I was laughing so hard I was crying and I could not stop. I was like rolling around in the sand laughing so fucking hard about Fisherman’s Friends candy. It was so blissful. So pure.

And then… the sickness. This is going to be TMI but… fuck it. A bit of indigestion and stomach trouble is expected whenever a white person enters Asia. Different microbes etc. etc. But this… this was on a new fucking level. I knew something was up because on the morning that we woke up to take our ferry from Koh Phi Phi to Phuket, I vomited. And I never vomit, and I wasn’t that hungover (especially in relation to much of the rest of the trip). I felt okay afterwards though so we soldiered on. Three hour ferry ride, totally fine. We board our bus that will take us from the ferry port in Phuket to our hotel and about halfway through this bus ride, I feel it. I am wearing overalls. My heart starts beating loudly in my chest, sweat begins to bead on my forehead. Holy fuck, I am going to shit my pants. I clench until we get to the hostel – which is, of course, the last stop. It’s like a solid 45 minutes of pain. My stomach is ROILING. I have never felt anything like it.

I honestly know nothing about Phuket because I spent the entire 72 hours we were there running from my bunk bed to the bathroom. I would go so far as to say every ten minutes. At one point, I just brought my laptop into the washroom with me and watched Netflix for a few hours. A roommate who was with us switched rooms (understandably… I’m sorry, Helen). I didn’t eat for four days, literally not a fucking thing. Just Gatorade and water so that I didn’t die of dehydration. Because we had an airplane to catch and I needed to not be shitting the contents of my body out, I saw a doctor. He prescribed me like five different medications and told me just to take like eight of these pills and to expect stomach pain but it would at least get me through the flight to Seoul and hopefully home.

It worked, and we spent the last few days of our trip in Seoul. What an absolutely fascinating and beautiful part of the world. With Kieun as our guide, we got to see the best parts of Seoul. People took photos with us and gave us free shit. I had the absolute best meal of my life (it was the first thing I’d eaten in like four days… I really risked it all with the Korean barbecue honestly…). All-you-can-eat thick fatty slices of pork belly, grilled in front of us and dipped in sesame oil and salt with garlic and spices. Spicy chicken feet on the side, corn with cheese. It was wild. I cannot believe I stomached it.

And on May 12th, we returned home back to our lives and school and work and all of that boring ass shit. I remained ill for a solid six weeks upon returning home. To a lesser degree, I still have not fully recovered. At this point, I am unsure if I ever will. I truly think that second-round Asia gave me skin cancer and permanently altered my gastrointestinal functioning. Worth it? Unsure. But it happened nonetheless.

June 

My brother graduated from university and won a very prestigious award and it was very nice to watch him cross the stage and hear a nice speech about his accomplishments (he won so many scholarships that he basically had a free ride to school – I think it’s clear who inherited the brains).

I finished up my spring courses. Can I just say - spring courses are the worst? The two I picked were especially bad. The one about human sexuality was basically Sex Ed 101 which made for an easy A but I was hoping to investigate deeper on a number of topics. And the second one was way too hard for my tiny brain to accommodate and I got the lowest mark I’ve ever gotten on my paper and it brought me down.

I had a very random unexpected night where I slept with a really close friend of mine (like, friends for over a decade) who I used to have a little bit of a crush on in high school. We were very drunk and it was kind of a curiosity-satisfying move that has actually not resulted in a very big change to our relationship at all but I think it’s worth mentioning because younger me would have been stoked. This one’s for you, younger me!

We went to the High River Rodeo and Cabaret – another unexpected move but oh my god it was so fun. Matt, Steven, Amanda and I. You could buy as many beers as you wanted at a time and they were cheap because fuck the AGLC apparently. The rodeo was actually super fun. The cabaret was redneck af and I happened to see my roommate from the hostel in Koh Phi Phi and his buddies there? Although it was not a friendly reunion because I had unknowingly exposed him for cheating on his girlfriend when he was in Phi Phi (which he did. I shared a room with him, and the girl he loudly banged every night until 4am). Two-stepping ensued and I passed out in the car ride home. I have a great photo of Steven from this night next to a bottle of hot sauce. I do not recall why. I will include it below. 

July 

Okay, I am just going to preface this by saying July was a hot mess. 

Myself, Madison, Maeghan, and Cayley were all single and messing around on dating apps so we decided to create Tinder bingo. It’s exactly what it sounds like. The rules were that you could only cross off two things per date (so that you had to go on a minimum of three to win), you got bonus points for going on a Tinder date with the same person someone else had gone out with, and the first to win got their drinks paid for on a night out. So, I went on exactly one Tinder date. Which is something I said I’ve never do and never really saw myself doing but I went for it on this occasion because I think that in this day and age, a Tinder date is an experience everyone should have. So I bit the bullet, and went for a drink with this guy James at the Oak Tree Tavern. And oh... my god? What a terrible experience? LAUGHABLY terrible. His only desired topic of conversation were the nationalities of people I had slept with and in what circumstances. At one point he asked me, “when was the last time you had sex? Was it good?” He also talked at maximum volume and I guarantee you everyone else at that bar overheard our conversation. Midway through the date, he asked for a review of how he was doing and I told him he seemed a bit nervous. This angered him. He said, “I’M NOT NERVOUS” and I was like, “you asked, buddy.” He asked me if I would pay for him. Cayley literally had to come rescue me and I ran out of his car where he had unbuttoned his pants and had his dick out and was literally on the verge of tears begging me to touch it so hard. I literally bolted out of his car and he yelled out the window, “CALL ME!” He still hits me up on instagram sometimes. I hope his life gets better. 

I also moved again. This is my favourite living situation I’ve ever had. Great roommates who are almost never home. Cute house. Good location. A+ choice by me. 

I got really obsessed with the Thai cave rescue. It was just such a compelling and unique STORY and I would literally come home from work and refresh the BBC live update feed for hours until I fell asleep, then I’d wake up and refresh hoping for good news. I cannot wait for the movie. I will go opening day. #Obsessions 

Stampede!!! Oh my god, what a wonderful Stampede. The most memorable thing is that Steven and I went to the standing rodeo one afternoon and got absolutely. fucking. hammered. Whilst there, we met and befriended two Australian retirees named Lyn and Ken. They are rich and are obsessed with horseriding and rodeo stuff. They purchased many drinks for us and we convinced them to come to Nashville North with us, where they purchased MORE drinks for us and Steven attempted to show them how to two-step. They later invited me to go horseback riding in Banff and I accepted. They literally picked me up, drove me to Banff, we crushed two bottles of wine at the Park gin distillery, went on a three-hour horseback ride through the mountains, they drove me home and I paid for NONE OF IT. It was........ a day. I sat on my bed later and thought to myself, “that was fucking weird.” But now, if I ever go to Melbourne, I will hit them up. 

It was Ali’s birthday and we went camping in Waiparous. We took mushrooms on Saturday and just as they were beginning to fully kick in, the RCMP rolled in and kicked us out of our campsite. What a wild time to be faced with an interaction with the cops. Also - no one could drive except for two people who had stayed sober and they had to shuttle us to a new campsite. Have you ever tried setting up a tent on mushrooms? Do you know how difficult and hilarious it is? 

And lastly at the end of July, I went to Folk Fest. I saw Alvvays again. Front row! Like, against the barrier front row. It was awesome. It was folk fest that inspired me to cut my hair and get bangs again. No regrets. I love my bangs. I also experienced a level of street harassment that I didn’t know was possible from some random, innocent-seeming guy. It was terrifying. I called the police. No bueno. 

August 

In August, I got promoted at my job and basically became a baby manager. It was better in theory than in practice because my shifts got longer, I made less in tips (but more hourly), and the cash out for a restaurant is a long and frustrating process that depends on a lot of small pieces working together correctly in a big ass spreadsheet and I suck at math.

In happier news – August was also the establishment of podcast club. Podcast club is one of the best and dorkiest things I have ever been involved with. We pick a podcast each week to listen to, and get together on Sunday mornings at 10:00am to discuss the contents of the podcast. It was initially open to whomever wanted to come but has since whittled down to a core group and at this point, we’re all so close that it would almost be weird to introduce a new person into the mix. There is Kendal, who I go to school with and who started the whole club. Her boyfriend, Mitch. Lachlan and Maddy who are siblings. Matt, a YouTuber who was kind of a wildcard. Chad, also kind of a wildcard but who works as a youth counsellor – and me! Podcast club has made my life infinitely better and is probably the best thing to come out of 2018, in all honesty.

I also got obsessed with Harry Potter and read like almost the whole series and my new at the time roommates thought I was such a loser because I would literally post up on the couch in the living room with a HP book and they would come back five hours later and I hadn’t moved and all I wanted to talk about was Harry Potter. 

September / October / November 

I am lumping these three months together in this review because truly, they are lumped together in my mind and heart. 

On September 11, I started my first practicum at CommunityWise. I really had no idea what to expect when I started there but looking back, I cannot believe how hard I lucked out. The U of C is VERY clinically-based when it comes to how it educates and describes the practice of social work. CW was the opposite of it all and day-to-day so much happens there that it is honestly impossible not to get dragged in at such a deep level that it literally forces you to care. When I was in practicum, I did a lot of reading and I came across this concept of a “disorienting dilemma” which is “an experience within which a current understanding is found to be insufficient or incorrect and the learner struggles with the resulting conflict of views. Such experiences often are those to which learners point as the beginning of the process of questioning their understanding and views and entering the transformative learning process” (Source). Truly, being in that space over the course of 300 hours created this for me. I was forced to confront a lot of racist and otherwise problematic shit that I have been brought up with and that comes up in small ways for me that I try and quash down for the sake of saving face. Poverty, addiction, mental health issues showed up LITERALLY on the doorstep and I was thrown into it all. The experience was a disorienting dilemma and it shook me out of my bubble and I have never fallen so deeply in love with social work. My supervisor and I formed a VERY close relationship that probably broke some ethical and professional boundaries and she was there for me to discuss social issues and experiences I was having in an honest way that really deconstructed things. I had my debit card stolen by a client on one occasion, had to call the DOAP team because I witnessed people in overdose more times than I can count, had to talk many a person down from suicide, befriended a very mentally ill person who suffers from delusions that they are an alien in a human body sent here to observe earth and report back to their master. We had to kick someone out of a workshop for being racist. It was a wild ride, honestly. There were many many positive things to come out of practicum. I built my professional network in ways I never would have been able to, I was able to move out of the “student” realm and step into the role of a social worker and advocate and professional. I did a lot of public speaking! I was out in the community talking to a million different people. I made videos and posters. And the best part of all is that even when my practicum ended, my connection to CW did not. They have hired me on as a digital storytelling intern (paid!) for the new year. Which is a major confidence boost and I just love CW and everyone there so much. I will literally be forever grateful to them for taking me under their collective wing and showing me I have the skills and abilities to be an effective social worker :) 

Ahem. Now on to some not-so-good things... 

The end of October was kind of difficult because I was attempting to manage practicum responsibilities, actual class projects and homework, second-round practicum interviews, and Famoso. I was very stressed out and it was not good, especially because I got a rejection from one interview and didn’t even get an interview at my top choice. I was feeling very sorry for myself and may or may not have cried at my desk at practicum. It all worked out in the end though, and actually I was offered a placement at the first place I interviewed – they just took a while to get back to me. She called me to let me know this while I was on a run and being idiot me, I picked up… panting and gasping for air in Nose Hill Park. She was like, “We’d like to offer you the place… wait, are you okay?”

I would also like to just slide it in here that I slept with my ex in October. Which wasn’t a particularly momentous occasion and was actually kind of funny because it felt so much like a one night stand. I am mostly putting this in here because I don’t think many people know that and I want to see who reads this far.

Along similarish lines – I PUT MYSELF OUT THERE AND ASKED SOMEONE ON A STRAIGHT UP DATE AND GOT REJECTED AND IT WAS HONESTLY SO EMBARASSING AND BRUTAL and it’s okay now but oh… my god. This also happened around the same time as the rejections from practicum placements and I had such a bad night where I got drunk on my couch alone and Cayley brought me burnt ends from her new job at a brewery because she was #concerned for me and I didn’t want to be alone. That’s a true friend right there.

December 

December is only halfway done - but I feel I can summarize it accurately. It has been a nice, tidy wrap up to the year. A month of podcasts, cleaning my house and my car and my life up, a mysterious knee injury that is really fucking me up, working a lot at Famoso, finishing my practicum and school semester. One thing I am dreading is that my brother’s girlfriend who our family is not particularly fond of will be joining us in Saskatoon this year. But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. 

In General 

2018 has been very stressful for me. But despite the stress, and sometimes out of it, have come some very nice, beautiful things. I said last year in my post that I wanted to become more deeply involved in my community and in activism and social work and in that way I think I have excelled. I’m in it now, you guys. I feel capable. I feel motivated. I feel CONFIDENT. And I’m fucking excited to see what comes in the future. 

I nearly doubled the amount of people I’ve slept with so that’s... a notable thing that happened this year. 

It has been nice to feel a return to a sense of belonging with my old high school group of friends. In a way, I feel more united with them than ever. I guess not having a partner that they all hate helps. But also, I think I’ve just been feeling more and more like myself. But to Connor, Steven, Matt, Adam and the assortment of new(er) members that come and go - I am very grateful for you all. It has also been good for my heart and soul to become so close with people from podcast club. It’s actually like... really hard to make new friends. Podcast club made it easy. And I found myself on a Friday night in Maddy and Ben’s apartment, watching cooking shows and teaching them how to play card games, laughing until I cried and drinking wine. And it’s like... who else gets together on EVERY Sunday morning to discuss podcasts? For fun? I know relationships change and dissolve and grow from each year to the next but I just have a deep feeling that some of these friendships are the real deal. And I’m really lucky. It sounds so ~fake deep~ and lame but honestly podcast club is making me a better, happier, less anxious person. 

2019: 

I think 2019 is going to have to be the year that I really, truly grow the fuck up. I’m not mad about this. I look forward to crushing through 400 more hours of practicum, graduating and getting my degree. Hopefully entering the work force for real (this prospect is honestly so exciting to me... I creep the job boards every day daydreaming about what I might eventually do when I leave the world of waitressing) and making some adult money. 

I also like... totally got fat in 2018 so 2019 will involve some activities to counterbalance this. AND I have a ticket to Big Valley Jamboree. Which is hilarious because I think if you asked 2015 Megan what she’d never do, it would be “go to BVJ” but here I am, ticket in hand, excitement mounting by the day. Boots on, bitches. 

Some of my goals or things I’d like to work on in 2019 are to become less attached to social media and more invested in the actual moment/doing of things rather than recording them (ironic as I type this MASSIVE year in review post, yes), to get into a healthy and sustainable pattern of exercise where I don’t just like become obsessed with it for a little while and then slowly taper off and then do none of it for like six months... and honestly? I want to download a bunch of those dating apps again and just go for it. I think you can learn so much about yourself through dating and I’ve been such a recluse this year for the most part because I have been sort-of-but-not seeing someone since literally JULY but we’re not actually together and I don’t know what’s going on. I just need to get over my own insecurities and anxiety and just jump in with both feet. It’ll be fun. It’ll be crazy. I’m excited. 

The rest of it, as always, is an open book. Who knows where I will be, what I will be doing, or who I will be doing it with by this time next year? Not I. 

[fenton-bus]

Sagan's Comet

(a prologue)

   ∞

2020

 If there is a causal relationship between the popularity of Barry Eisenberg's autobiography and the complete loss of journalistic integrity exhibited by the Manhattan press no one acknowledges it. In spaces formerly occupied by actual news, one can now find awed descriptions of the fun way the eighteen year old Portland native verbally decimates the Buzzfeed contributor brave enough to cross the threshold of his lair. Articles dedicated to examining the significance of his hoodie collection (consisting solely of secondary colors) are written with the zest and intensity of individuals delivering the defining information of the age. Between covering Syrian conflicts and Zayn's solo career these adults with journalism degrees they allegedly worked hard for print wild speculation about what Barry's digital watch says about him as a person, maps his evolution from monosyllables to making a Newsweek reporter cry whilst thanking him for the opportunity through her tears, and publishes three thousand word think pieces heavily suggesting that he is the voice of his generation.

Two months into his junior year at Columbia, Barry becomes a meme.

According to the lanky, mustachioed Starbuck's barista (who enjoys all the benefits of tumblr fame for two glorious minutes before he's brought down by an old "problematic" Burning Man post.) he waits in line every other Thursday before his Applied Calc class, and one morning he is informed-with an unfathomable regret-that they are currently out of bran muffins.

Barry allegedly makes a face that defies the descriptive power of the written word.

Skylar totally believes in fate. He was meant to come in that day, despite dancing on the precipice of being fired for coming to work after ingesting some "herbal refreshment". He was meant to get dragged behind the counter to fix the espresso machine, meant to turn around to grab the wrench at the exact moment Barry made That Face. He grabs his phone, snaps a pic and before Todd can offer the dude a blueberry substitute, twelve hundred people have added gross looking block text to Skylar's post. That Face becomes a universal constant just as relevant when describing reactions to sexism (When ur in a patriarchal society ) as it is to receiving troubling medical news (TMW UR DOCTORS ALL: GENITAL WARTS!!!?!1) . Kids aim That Face at unprepared parents in the aisles of Toys R Us. Girls just trying to enjoy happy hour with their besties clock the dudes halfway across the bar with The Face and the "you're the only ten I see" dies in the bros' throats. Tired moms schlepping their kids from one hellish interpretative dance class to another collapse against the seats of their Subaru Foresters and That Face all over the traffic cop worried about his quota and are let on their merry way with a stern warning. After announcing a pop quiz in Applied Calculus Professor Bevens is hit with sixty-two different versions of That Face.

The effect is so powerful\disturbing the professor decides to take lunch in his office that day.

When Mike Wallace asks Dr. Josef Stenberg why we, as a culture, are so fascinated the noted historian and scholar replies that The Face "effortlessly and intrinsically captures the depth of the human experience."

∞

There is a three day period wherein The New York Times makes a genuine attempt at substance before all parties involve realize how difficult it actually is and decide that mining Barry's first two years at MIT for scandal is much more creative use of their time.

The seven article series proves so popular the rate of traffic often causes the site to crash, to the point where the NYT puts an ad for a new head of IT in its own newspaper. (An error brought to their attention by the former IT supervisor as she storms out of their office making two very rude gestures with both of her hands.) The articles come dangerously close to reporting the significance of the solar ray that's currently powering the campus greenhouses and the fifteen classroom\lecture halls running on fossil fuels before remembering it's audience and veering back to the good stuff: in addition to campaigning long and hard to get one of his professors fired, (because the individual is a plaintiff in a current lawsuit his name has been redacted from all documentation in order to protect his identity. In any further documentation he shall be referred to as Mr. S.) Barry starts a (still active) war between the physics and computer science majors, stages a ninety-day sit in at Lanctom Hall and refuses to attend class until the United States converts to the metric system, attends seven out of his ten classes in his pajamas, builds a Death Ray, stages his own funeral, and has regular off-campus lunches with Neil Degrasse-Tyson where (according to an unnamed source) they discuss plans to reanimate Carl Sagan.

The Times receives countless emails from current and former MIT professors the content of which ranges from "Come on guys" to paragraphs of legal jargon, but because facts are annoying and can easily ruin a good time, they only publish one. For Mr. S who is, at this very  moment, teaching a remedial chemistry class in a Hoboken public school, seeing his words in print gives him the necessary courage to take out an entire page of the Op Ed column for the sole purpose of calling Barry an "odious, mouth-breathing cretin" (among other, more foul monikers) and insist that his time at MIT is "the most convincing super villain origin story I've ever seen." Buried in the seventh paragraph under piles of incoherent rage is a fairly lucid comparison to Lex Luthor, which all things considered, Barry rather likes.

At six-thirty the following morning,

Don't you have young minds to compromise?

appears in the comments section of Mr. S's article. The user name is something banal and forgettable, but the 25 x 37 armadillo icon is responsible for the overjoyed intern's giggle snort and the frantic search for a 2013 Scientific American article in which Barry mentions that armadillos are often underestimated because of their size and deceptively docile demeanor.

∞

2017

So.

Barry wakes up in Naldo's body, which because he invents time travel when he's fifteen and perfects localized teleportation over summer break his freshman at year at MIT isn't even the weirdest sentence he's ever had to type. It isn't even the strangest thing that happens that year, (that literal prizes goes to Sergey Abermoff a stunningly mediocre marine biologist who wins the Noble Prize for his contributions to Alaskan Puffer Fish research. From March to August Barry is engaged in a furious letter-writing campaign to the Academy because seriously? Dr. Gloria Hernandez discovers and isolates what appears to be a second God particle but generous funds are being allocated to his dad's favorite Red Lobster entree? No.) While he makes a concentrated effort to document his daily experiments, and somewhat less dedicated attempts to record his thoughts about more personal subjects (he objects to the use of the word "personal" in this context because it implies a mutual exclusivity between the personal and the scientific where no such distinction exists, but he digresses) spontaneous ionic transference is apparently unworthy of documentation. Reading through the accounts of the incidents of that spring, scholars and historians alike are surprised to find only the briefest, most perfunctory outline of events.

It's an odd, tangential footnote in most textbooks, and even the larger more expansive biographies tend to refer to it transiently. One of the foremost examples of this phenomenon being Edgar Chen's Event Horizon which glosses over the events in a way Joan Collins of the New York Times calls "whimsically dismissive". Of the archived articles, research papers, essays, books, films, digital recordings and miscellaneous sundries that number in the thousands only two hundred and eighty-six contain references to the events of the spring of 2017. Of that number one hundred and thirty-seven are passing references, eighty-five are footnotes, five are visual references ( two screen grabs, a gif, and two vague scenes in the Cern documentary and the feature film Singularity, all of which are subject to intense and varying interpretation) forty- two are allusions in popular fiction,  twelve are auditory, and seventeen are references to supplementary reading material that contain descriptions of the events so vague they border on unintelligible. In chapter four of Jackie Iron's (famed director of the Crabnormal Behavior Octo-thrilogy) tell-all Shellin' Out, Barry writes:

"I've never been fond of the "body-swap" trope. At best it's a cheap device used to create a sense of empathy between two characters possessing diametrically opposing viewpoints. At worst it's a study of the traumatic power of unrelenting body horror, a state of such brutal, paradigm-shifting physical and emotional dissonance that it's difficult to imagine surviving the encounter without constantly testing the tensile strength of  reality for the remainder of one's natural life. Why would a writer subject their audience to something so terrible?"

Strangely, Barry's autobiography makes only a passing reference to the event. He glosses over his years at Columbia (there are a few offhand references to a Washington think tank he attends in the summer of 2017) but expands upon graduate school in such unrelenting, excruciating detail that chapters forty-seven through fifty-three are known to make a few students nauseous. The clinical, almost detached narrative  prompts  Melanie Fung, freshman human interest columnist of the Columbia Daily Spectator, to write: "The text habitually  bathes Eisenberg in the soft light of scientific heroism, but the more personal, and possibly, more interesting threads of the narrative are glaringly absent."

It isn't until Jill Suarez publishes The Eisenberg Principle that the personal elements of Barry's life-coming out to his parents, the bullying he experiences in school, the two week period he spends in Renaldo Montoya's body-are recounted in detail.

[novadreii]

a diatribe about the emotional unpacking i’ve been doing this summer, specifically regarding my anxiety, how it’s affected me, and how i’m trying to drop kick it in the face. 

i will be honest and say that this weekend i’ve been sitting with some mild anxiety. mild, but still there, enough to set off alarms. just this...undercurrent of fear about the future. i go back to school in exactly 1 month, and getting my degree means more to me than arguably anything right now. some of you have been watching me bitch about this for years, but i’m stubborn as fuck and refuse to let it go. it’s not about the status, or the diploma. it’s a struggle of significance for me; since 2012 i’ve wrestled on and off with my mental health and this made staying in school consistently impossible. so in 2015 i made the decision to not go back until i was properly ready. a lot has happened since then, but to make a long story short, i’ll never be more ready than i am now. finishing this means everything to me; it means digging my heels in, working hard, and earning something for myself. something that, for a long time, i really lost hope that i was even capable of achieving.

but as always, doubt always starts to creep once the deadline approaches: what if i fail again, what if i can’t handle it, what if i drop out and have to work boring low-level jobs my whole life, what if i panic, what if i can’t do it?

every piece of text on the subject that i’ve ever read, every meaningful message from all my favorite books/series, has pointed me towards this one solution for when i’m paralyzed with fear: just feel it, sit with it, don’t run from or avoid it. and once you’ve done that, go through your fear and do the thing you’re afraid of anyway. that’s called bravery, and if you repeat this process enough times it will give you the confidence to keep doing it in the face of anything you fear. how often have we heard that being brave is not synonymous with being fearless? fearless is a lofty concept, an ideal, but honey, it’s just not realistic. everybody has fears. the most incredible people throughout history had their own fears; what sets them apart is how they dealt with them. 

my methods for avoiding pain/fear these days are 1) weed 2) tv/video games in excess and 3) avoiding my responsibilities/doing anything that would progress my life. obviously this will not work out for me, not in a long-term sense anyway. 

so recently i’ve just....stopped using coping methods when i’m getting into my fear. i do anything other than my usual destructive habits. i force myself to clean in a frenzy, i listen to loud music on my headphones, i go for a walk around the block, i read a book, i’ve even forced myself to do boring paperwork that i was avoiding. i make a challenge out of forcing myself to do the exact opposite of what i really want to do in that moment.

and THAT’S where the magic happened for me. once i confront Fear and do it over and over and over again, it begins to lessen. i’ve done this before, and i survived. it wasn’t that bad. it was worth the effort it took to just deal with it. 

the truth is that everything in life is a trade-off. you can’t get anything you want without sacrificing something of equal value whether it’s money, time, energy, or any other resource. and on the flip side of that coin, you can’t just avoid your life and desires, not without paying for it emotionally. so logically speaking, if both paths are equally as difficult, if they take roughly the same amount (but a different TYPE) of effort, which one will i choose?

it’s become obvious to me now, whereas it wasn’t before, that i should choose the path with the end result that is most worth it for me. depressed bastard who never did anything with her life? or...who knows? someone who actually tried and maybe got SOME of what she wanted? so now that the two choices are so clear, i’m beginning to feel drive, determination, and ambition again. goddamn, i was born with those traits burned into my personality and identity; losing them temporarily during the last few years fucking hurt, i really did lose a part of myself. but they were just dormant, inactive, because i can feel them faintly taking root again. and it feels friggin amazing. 

so nowadays i’m practicing a new skill: willpower. i believe it is absolutely a skill that anyone can cultivate and work on. i realized that i can force myself to do shit i know i should be doing instead of running from my problems. knowing that i will feel so much better if i just address and overcome what is scaring me is enough to motivate me. i can do this without resistance, without wanting to go hide in my bad habits. my awareness (my true self, separate from ego), knows the right answers, the correct path. i can physically do what i know needs to be done even if my mind is screaming at me to self-destruct instead; i have that power, because i am not my mind. none of us are; we are the awareness behind the mind, so to speak. if this sounds too new-age for you, i’m sorry. but i’ve been reading books on the topic for years without understanding completely. it made about 75% sense to me up until now, and i found the missing piece. mindfulness, the Self, the Ego...it’s all interconnected, and i used to think it was more religious BS that I didn’t care for. but it really isn’t. it’s a logical approach to heal yourself emotionally, and it starts with recognizing that your internal dialogue, your thoughts, and even your emotions, do not make up who you are, so you don’t have to be a slave to them. i wish i could articulate this better, but i barely understood it myself when i first started researching the topic. but something inside me knew that the answer i’d been looking for was somewhere in this train of thought, so i’ve kept with it (if you’re interested, the one book I would recommend is the power of now by eckhart tolle. i know, i know. but it really is the most easily digestible medium for this subject. just know you will have to engage with it and put in the work to fully understand). 

so anyway, that’s what i did this weekend. no weed, no mindless distractions, no emotional eating, despite the low burning of fear about school in the back of my mind. i cleaned the shit out of the kitchen and my room instead, which was distracting and physically tiring. then because i still felt restless, i went for a jog. now i’m showered and tired, about to watch a movie that i feel i actually earned. i think Fear produces a nervous energy that i can dispel with any kind of physical activity, which takes the edge off and makes it bearable.  

and lo and behold, by not being destructive at the first sign of feeling afraid, i didn’t burst into flames or anything. sure, my heart rate might jump for a bit, i might feel a bit sweaty/nauseous for a couple minutes. but then i swallow it and continue on my path.  by going through Fear instead of doing a 180 away from it, i can continue moving forwards instead of backwards. i can grow and progress, not stagnate. and another hard lesson i’ve learned is that the stagnation from avoiding my life has arguably caused me the most pain, far more than the fear of life itself. 

i isolated myself from my friends (missing one of their weddings which i have to try to not beat myself up about for the rest of my life). i stalled in my education. i was cut off socially, emotionally because i was in denial, and going nowhere. 

so i think i’ve just reached a point where anything is better than this. than a lonely, unfulfilled future where i reach none of my potential. on my deathbed all i’d feel is profound disappointment. and to that idea my gut reaction is HELL NO. is this what they mean about actually hitting rock bottom, even though i felt like i’ve hit it countless times before?

because now, i am finally willing to fight for what i want even if it’s the hardest thing i’ll ever do. once school starts, my days are gonna be long as hell. work during the day, and schoolwork on evenings/weekends, so logistically i need to make my life flow to accommodate how hectic my schedule will become. i’ll do so with the following steps:

gonna clean my apartment and car to stepford-levels of cleanliness (in progress, about 50% done). will also go on an organizing spree. i’m generally a neat person, but it could always be better you know? my state of mind is usually amplified by the state of my surroundings, so that’s one of the best ways to help myself.

gonna stock up on non-perishables/cat supplies/toiletries to keep effort spent on grocery shopping and errands to a minimum from september to december. 

gonna nail down a healthy meal prep routine so i can properly fuel my carcass through everything. cereal for dinner won’t cut it anymore.

in general, i will develop solid self-care routines in the areas of sleep, fitness (will work in occasional exercise where i can to let off steam), food, and giving myself mental breaks. again, this will keep me from losing my shit. 

this is my 4 point plan, and notice how little of it has to do with school itself. but i know that if i take care of myself properly, i can ground myself enough to get through anything. 

studying, homework, going to class, the pressure of exams...i feel confident, finally, that i can take all of it on. in fact, i’m starting to feel my old competitive spark slowly coming to life again, and i’m tempted to say bring it on.

and sure, Fear isn’t going anywhere. i haven’t vanquished it or anything. far from it; it’s still right there, making my chest tight when it gets really bad. but what’s changed is that i’m not afraid of Fear itself anymore. that is a huge distinction i’ve had to make, and it’s taken me years to get here. it’s much easier to do The Thing and confront Fear while doing so, rather than avoid both The Thing and Fear altogether. because that way of life was miserable for me, whereas option 1 will actually yield results. and weirdly enough...avoiding Fear doesn’t even make you like, less afraid or anything. what the hell?

so, after years of struggling and cowering and letting myself off easy for everything, it’s that simple. i’ve boiled my approach down to something weirdly logical and direct, because i’m over this shit, to put it elegantly. i will enthusiastically and unabashedly go after what i want in life, and when Fear inevitably pops up on occasion, as it always will, i’ll acknowledge it with a nod or a small dab (lol), and then continue doing what i was doing. i can be afraid without letting it paralyze me. fear isn’t really able to stop my body from doing what i want it to, i can actually smash my way through that mental barrier. i think that is what is at the core of the concept of bravery, and anybody is capable of it (yes i got that from soul eater, a life-changing message). 

so i simultaneously feel insanely motivated and driven for the first time in years, and also scared as shit. it’s the strangest feeling, a kind of nervous euphoria. but it’s okay. knowing that if i just trust the process and take things a day at a time, i will get to where i want to be eventually; that makes it so much easier. in my mind, this lends incredible significance to every little step along this journey. keeping good work habits and taking care of myself are what it’s going to take, and truly understanding that every Good thing i do for myself, even the tiniest thing, is what will get me there one day. it removes resistance from my thought process, and resistance is usually what gets me to cave, and run away. it makes every difficult, necessary step worth it to me, and that is what fuels me.  

so ultimately, my conclusion is this: i’m just going to have to get strong enough to carry my fear with me throughout the whole journey and use it to fuel me, instead of letting it pin me in one place for the rest of my life. and that’s the thing: invariably, over time, the relative burden of that weight decreases as you get stronger. 

so knowing that, how could i not just charge forward like a maniac, fear be damned? because the truth is that i can overcome it in the present moment with enough effort, and in time, it won’t take anywhere near the same amount of effort. pain is always temporary, so i don’t need to fear it right? i just have to use pain, and Fear of pain, and that’s the promise i’m making to myself as i attempt to close an unpleasant chapter in my life. 

i’m finally getting back my drive, my spark, when for so long i just tried to convince myself i didn’t actually want the things that i did. i thought that my goals were unobtainable, that i was too weak or incompetent to achieve them, so i may as well convince myself i didn’t even want them in the first place. isn’t that sad? it really is, and i’m trying to reflect on Past Me with compassion, instead of frustration for all the lost time and unhappiness. it won’t change anything, and i want nothing more than to move forward. because one day, it will all have been worth it.