#I’ve never been more in awe
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Fun fact for people who haven’t raised a cat from babyhood: some kittens will suck their thumbs
#the first time I saw our kitten suck its thumb it blew my mind#my worldview changed#it altered my dna#I’ve never been more in awe#I cried bc I couldn’t handle how sweet it was#not bnha
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there are a lot of evil people in the world and a lot of darkness in the world and so it’s very important for me to stress that now more than ever is the time to spread kindness and compassion. combat the evil by not only not partaking in it, but actively refuting it. destroy the notion that being compassionate or generous or kind to someone is uncool or embarrassing or even scary. be the change you want to see. start a chain reaction. positivity only breeds more positivity. do an act of kindness for someone so that that person who is too afraid to do it themselves can see you, realize that they’re not alone, and perhaps sheepishly follow your example. and then the next person who is too afraid but sees that person can do the same. when bad news comes out about bad people or horrible atrocities in the world it’s such an easy impulse to despair, and obviously it’s important to feel what you need to feel. grieve. be angry. be sorrowful. be empathetic. but dust off your pants and get up and be a part of a chain reaction that, no matter how small the scale, and spread compassion and love and care. all the reasons why you might not—“it’s hard! it’s scary! people will make fun of me! it’s useless because there’s too much evil!” are all grade A arguments as to why you should. you have no idea how many people you could inspire to do the same. even if it doesn’t get you anyway far, you can at least say you have the nobility of trying. please choose love and please choose life. you are worth loving and you are worth inspiring others to love
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Unmasked & unguarded
#ghostsoap#soapghost#simon ghost riley#john soap mactavish#my art#cod fanart#more painterly than my usual stuff#wanted to try something new#this type of rendering is not for me I think#took so so long#love the idea of the total trust Ghost has in Soap that he will sleep completely bared to him#in a way he’s never been with anyone else#and soap just staring at him in awe that he gets to see this side of Simon#they make me ill#the colours got a bit muddy but I’ve fiddled with this for ages and I give up 🥲
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Looking to try out some red foil prints and I think I might start with these?
I’ve also been eyeing some iridescent + gold foil and I think these would look cool in foil,,,, so many choices. What the fuck.
#if anyone has any suggestions your more than welcome to suggest something :)#I’ve never done foil accents before#there’s also silver + rose gold and green#might consider the rose gold for That Awful House but I’ll probably stick with the gold#but I’m mostly interested in the red since I’ve been in a weird red kick lately#postings
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hey what’s up moots. i have been mia on tumblr for the better part of a week
pov: days ago i saw some really cool fanart for the umbrella academy and found out it was an illustration of a scene from an au fic (holding it together by sharkneto) and was bored and decided to start reading and just see if i liked it, no big deal
fast forward to now, about a week later, where i’ve read the 90k word fic plus it’s 196k word prequel fic (joining together, also by sharkneto) in every second of my free time and i’m so desperately and emotionally attached to both of them that i genuinely have no idea what to do with myself now.
ok maybe everyone in the fandom has already read both of these and i’m an absolute idiot who’s just discovering them but my words genuinely cannot describe how close im holding these to my tua hyperfixated heart rn. i need help thanks
also for some reason ao3 has repeatedly shut down for maintenance over the course of this week leaving me with so much excitement and suspicion over what would happen next so thank you to ao3 for being the worst this week but it’s ok we made it through!!!!1!!1!!!1!!!!
#genuinely so in awe at how someone can write THAT well#i’m so attached#what the hell do i do with myself now#like i genuinely have never been more interested in reading#i’ve always wanted to be better about reading more but it takes a seriously interesting plot (or character#in five’s case) for me to be interested enough to spend all of my free time reading#like it’s actually insane how invested i’ve been in this fic#i immediately need more. leave more long ass five-centric fics in the recs for me PLEEEEEASE i need more#laur rambles#the umbrella academy#tua#umbrella academy#five hargreeves#hargreeves siblings#number five#tua five#tua number five#number five hargreeves#laur says stuff
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Friendly reminder that Dream repeatedly made sexual jokes about actual teenagers, including a thirteen year old, sometimes after being asked to stop (keep in mind he was 21/22, five years older than Tommy and eight years older than Lani) up to and including coercing Tommy into saying he loved him in private DMs or he’d destroy Tubbo's villagers (then getting shocked that Tommy could find it weird) there’s been evidence of him pushing extremely important boundaries on safeguarding as some sort of fucked up joke for YEARS. Even in the most charitable possible interpretation he thought acting like a creep in private to a teenager was something extremely funny to tell an audience that skews very young (if you’ve been to any events for these guys, they’re primarily children too young to use social media, I’m not talking about teenagers I'm talking single digit age children) and that’s something I think makes me extremely fucking skeptical he was some angel when he WASN'T in front of the cameras. If he thought that was an acceptable boundary to push while being watched, I have zero doubts he'd act like people owed him their success in private.
#like. he's done way more fucked up shit than most people realise it’s just so mixed in with lies it’s hard to find what’s true#But I’ve seen these fucking streams they’re awful#Tommy deserved none of that no matter how he acted it was the responsibility of ADULTS to shut down inappropriate behaviour#like the pitiful defences back then look like they could be straight out of humbert humberts playbook if you replaced TommyInnit with lolit#that alone is enough of a negative impact on an audience I will never not hate that fucking man#I have family who work in similar industries and it could have been them. I can’t afford to play nice here on a very personal level
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sometimes things that are popular are good (this post is about Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake, op 20., act II, no. 10 scène (moderato))
#this is so silly but i’ve been thinking about it for days so i had to post it#also if this is the wrong name for it i’m so sorry i tried my best#it is good though#it’s awful to play as a viola player and i hope to never do it again#however it sounds awesome#the more common name is the swan theme i think#it’s the famous swan lake piece#you know it#ally natters#music#classical music
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Hey do you guys ever think about HOPR’s gestalt and how she was probably a very lonely person for most of her life before volunteering to be a neural template donor
#I’ve been rotating this lately#in the good timeline she ended up w a military unit who had kitzeh backgrounds similar to hers#but that did not happen#she ended up with a group that wasn’t very sympathetic and did not help her whole deal of needing to prove herself#I think in many ways she was a performer like the line she inspired#in terms of putting on a brave face for herself and a very confident persona for others#none of her issues never ever rubbed off onto HOPRs neverrr#looks at the entire replika line who has a deep craving for connection and would rather gnaw off their own legs than be outright genuine#theyre not afraid to be attached to someone but they’re afraid to be vulnerable if that makes sense#HOPR genuinely confesses her love to u and then throws up bc that was awful#their tough guy persona is easy. flirting and being obnoxious with everyone is easy. that other shit tho? terrible they can’t tell you#when HOPRs start degrading they become less afraid of that#but that happens while they also become much more clingy and afraid of doing a bad job#degrading HOPRs all tend to have those same signs but they can go anywhere from there#they’re just really nervous elderly dogs ur honor#they need constant reassurance from whoever they’re under#they just really want to do a good job they love u so so much#anyway some hopr thoughts#hopr#blorbo tag
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Hey if you’re still enjoying and engaging with Harry Potter in any capacity you can unfollow me 😊 please and thank you
Like. I get it. I was super into it as a kid too. I did not have the social context to pick up on the antisemitism or transphobia or sexism or fatphobia or bioessentialism or racism or anything else. I also picked up on surface-level language of Fighting Back Against Evil and ascribed my own values onto what that meant and thought we were all on the same page. I remember when the original kids who grew up with the books started becoming adult fans and picking up on the (blatant!) antisemitism and everybody was still mostly willing to give JKR the benefit of the doubt on it. (“She was writing kids books!” They said. “She didn’t know she was penning a global phenomenon! She picked a common literary trend in European fairy tales (antisemitic caricature) and didn’t examine it closely. It’s a mistake anyone could make,” we said. “She would probably do things differently now. After all, she word-of-god confirmed the vaguest hints she dropped that Dumbledore might be gay,” we said.) There was actually a span of several years where biases inherent in the actual real content of the Harry Potter series were coming to light and even the people pointing them out still seemed mostly to think it was an unfortunate accident.
That time has passed. Years ago! We are long past the first months of “maybe she doesn’t realize this seemingly-feminist tweet she liked was made by a noted TERF” and then “how could she not realize that these many veiled TERF-y things she’s retweeted have implications for the many queer fans of her work” and finally “oh wow okay JKR just dropped an entire transphobic manifesto on twitter. I guess the transphobia was the point.”
Yeah, there were a few months after that where people were still processing and still working through how they felt about Harry Potter and all of its flaws with the context of the now open transphobia of the creator. I was there for that. Remember how I was one of the kids who built it up into something noble and worthwhile based on my own beliefs about what messages it was probably trying to convey? Turns out it wasn’t trying to say any of those things, and when you take the time to examine all of the terrible shit that made its way into the text whether JKR intended it to be there or not, the whole series falls apart. It’s weird to discover that there’s a room in your house that’s rotten to the core, but eventually you figure out you can’t live like that, still going in there and holding your nose and pretending it’s still the same room you thought it was when the termites were only inside of the walls and hadn’t yet started chewing their way through the furniture. Because what’s going to happen is that they are going to infest the rest of your house. If you decide you can ignore transphobia and antisemitism and everything else just because you liked the color of the wallpaper, the rest of your principles are going to crumble too. You get rid of that fucking room. You put those books on a high shelf in the back of your closet behind other outgrown clothes and interests and you move the fuck on.
JKR uses the money made from her transphobic antisemitic children’s books to actively funding hate groups and to lobby for legislation that will and has actually affected the actual lives of trans people in an entire country. We are past the point of grieving something you were wrong about in childhood. Kids are wrong about a lot of stuff. You grow up and you learn new information and you change your behaviors based on it. You have to choose. It is transphobic to pretend there is not transphobia where there is. It is transphobic to support the work of someone who is using those funds to take rights from trans people with every fucking dollar. It is hateful to continue to engage positively with a story that at its very core is rooted in hate and bigotry and prejudice. You can choose to do all of those things but you cannot claim ignorance of them and you cannot choose those things and still pretend that choosing them upholds the values we convinced ourselves that Harry Potter stood for over a decade ago as uninformed children. You cannot choose to do those things and pretend to still support your trans and queer and Jewish neighbors. I do not want you in my neighborhood. Leave.
#mine#Harry potter cw#yeah I don’t want to see or think about this shit either and I’m sure most of my followers are on the same page of just like. let’s wipe it#from the public consciousness and do our best to just completely ignore it and forget it existed and in doing so take away JKRs platform and#influence and also stop the continued harm the series will do by propagated hateful biases in people who continue to read it#but despite heavily culling my feed over the course of the past several years and thankfully mostly not seeing HP fandom things anymore#I’ve been seeing a lot of responses today to people defending it and honestly I forget that there are still people out there doing that who#think they are just fine and normal fandom people with non-hateful and terrible interests and it makes me so angry#maybe more so because like. I was there too! I was annoyingly obsessed with Harry Potter from the ages of idk seven? up until whenever JKR#started being openly transphobic. I have so much fucking knowledge about this book series that will never leave my brain. and yeah it was#weird and hard to have to rethink things and realize that no actually it does feel bad and uncomfortable to continue to be a fan even#passively of these books. it was a big part of my childhood and several of my friendships. I fully get it. I was the weird kid also.#it was weird and hard to say oh actually this sucks and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. but I did it! I got there! because it was#more important to care about real actual things and people than it is to fondly remember a book series for children.#and at the time it felt like maybe I did hang on a little longer than I could have and was a little later than some people and figuring out#my feelings and moving on from the whole thing. but it was still fucking years ago. and you’re still here?#because you like the color of the wallpaper in this shitty rotten broken down tacked on room? because we used to spend time there together?#buddy the room was giving us lead poisoning the whole time and the rest of us have accepted that and we are all outside doing other things.#you will find connection and community in so many places in your life. I promise. get the fuck out of that terrible awful room#and for gods sake stop bring out handfuls of mold you found under the floorboards and shoving it in our faces#nobody fucking wants this. we did it. we’re done.#so yeah I think I have an extra level of disdain because I know from personal experience that it’s not *that* fucking hard to care more#about real life trans people than about antisemitic children’s books.
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Once again I read fanfiction that seems to have been precisely written to deal psychic damage to me.
#this is about viridian the green guide. you guys actually read this slop?#boring as shit writing#awful plot lines (trigger has been resolved get new material#excessive use of italics and ‘problem child’. has the author heard anyone use a nickname irl ever#I hate bakugou slightly less than I hate Deku but even I could tell they suck at writing him#skipped over a few chapters because the writing was melting my brain but he would never be that condescending to himself#who the hell thinks ‘I’ve decided to not be an asshole’ with total seriousness#back to the bad plot lines. endeavor *checks notes* becomes a nomu and dies? I know the author nerfed everyone in the ground to match Deku#but wtf was the idea here#most successful cases in Japan and the strongest fire quirk ever (besides Dabi) and he gets treated like fodder?#there’s a certain childish canadence fanfiction writers type in when discussing ideas with others and the whole fic reeks of it.#the general easy going and generic aura vtgg emanates makes it even more insufferable#yeah insufferable is definitely the one word to describe this fic#original fic is ass and it only popularized the concepts. now you have even more bad writers speedrunning terrible concepts#it’s two am so this might not makes sense but whatever. not tagging this as mha because there are a lot of people who like this thing.#also fuck fics with love interests who were pretty happy in canon but actually have two thousand problems in fics#rant#anyways! I need to check into my games#I need to find the fic summarized so I can properly write my fanfic bashing vigilante/quirkless aus. barely any difference anyways.
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More than anything right now I wish I had somebody to turn to. I wish I could cry to my parents about this or get a hug from somebody or just have SOMEONE believe me and he on my side. I really don’t know how to continue on from here
#looking at any re content rn makes me feel so sick#which has been my worst fuckimg nightmare#like I’ve had panic attacks over this idea kinda worst nightmare#my absolutely biggest nightmare has been that skmething horrible will happen in this fandom that’ll make my stupid autistic brain associate#re with that horrible experience#and that’s exactly what’s happening#my biggest fear is coming to fruition and it’s so so fucking awful#Luis has meant more to me than any other autistic special interest of mine evr has. and just the THOUGHT of loosing that love and devotion#makes me sick to my stomach.#why did these people do this to me#why me#what the fuck did I ever do to them#what did I do to deserve this#I want this to be so fucking over#I wanna go back to shaking my friends over Luis and pretend this never happened#I just want a hug from my parents or someyjing man. I wanna be told it’ll be alright and this shit will be done with#just#what the fuck did I do to deserve this man
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#trying really hard not to let the awful people ruin a thing I love but god it’s hard#I just want to be able to enjoy a thing without risking people being dickheads#like I’ve been in fandom for a really long time and I’ve never seen toxicity quite like this#and it makes me want to just cleanse my dash of it all and walk away#there’s a reason I left this fandom more than a year ago#and lately I’ve had regrets about coming back
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im new here- is dean abusive?
imo yeah. smarter people than me have written dissections of the way he treats sam & others (he’s also Awful to his psuedo-son jack, but i haven’t gotten to that season yet), i’ve probably reblogged a bunch of them.
he certainly doesn’t mean to be & i don’t say it to condemn him as a person or as a character & i’m still very attached to him & he loves sam very much (not that that makes a difference in whether u abuse someone or not) - but the way he treats sam a lot/some of the time is emotionally abusive and sam is clearly badly impacted. s4 and s8 come to mind as his worst moments also ofc moc era - after that there’s less interpersonal conflict (up to where i am at least) but that’s because sam mostly stops disagreeing with dean not because dean actually gets much better <3 spn is cycles of abuse show after all. family is hell. dean’s learnt pretty much everything about how to behave from his abusive father and as a result. well. cycle continues
#anon i wonder which way ur approaching this from - having not considered that dean treats sam badly or having never thought of it as Abusiv#mutuals pls feel free to chime in with ur opinions#wrote a bunch of more detailed responses to this but none of them felt right so i was just like. eh#narrative portrays dean as right like All Of The Time bc the shows morality is deans morality its fucked up so that makes it harder for#fandom to see how awful he is sometimes#but i think a lot of people see his awful behaviour but just wouldn’t call it abusive and rather toxic etc because abusive#is such a ‘strong word’ and people have a lot of personal connotations with it#i don’t often even actually use the word abusive to describe him. but he is! and i’ve been watching s4 and he’s just So awful and it’s been#reminding me hugely#dean crit#<- i guess#spn#oliver talks#asks#it’s more than just like. being awful sometimes. bc it’s this systemic pattern of eradicating sam’s sense of identity outside of him#and punishing sam for ‘disobeying’ him (like s4/8)#dean winchester#supernatural#Also when you start recognising dean as abusive the show becomes a legitimate horror story because fucking hell!!!!#narrative just. sides with him most of the time!!!!#if u wanna think abt it for urself id say make sure u know what abuse actually Is and how it can present & then look at a lot of sam and#dean conflicts. do they seem equal? r both parties being as awful to each other? whats the context?#look away from the view the show is trying to get you to take via like. ending shots and closeups. and look at what theyre actually saying#to each other and what has actually happened#<- i feel like this sounds patronising i dont mean to be😭#if u already think sam&dean r fucked up and had just never defined it as abusive before then feel free to ignore me#there r probably posts in my dean winchester tag much better than this#<- okay apparently i had a lot to say actually. sorry for doing it in the tags
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#I AM SO TIRED OF BEING IN SO MUCH PAIN#I am so grateful to be so capable of doing pt and rehabbing myself and slowwwwwly rebuilding health#I AM SO SICK OF MY STUPID LEFT LEG#I am so relieved to be getting enough energy to keep my joints and body moving#I AM SO TIRED OF NOT BEING ABLE TO USE MY RIBCAGE EVENLY#it’s a blessing and a gift and an adventure getting to relearn having a body like I started to the first time around as a kid#I DON’T WANT TO RELEARN AND FIX AND HEAL ANY MORE OLD INJURIES#I’m speechless with awe that my body trusts me enough to hand me grief and terror and the dark hole of trapped misery to me to hold and heal#I HURT EVERY DAY SO MUCH OF THE TIME IN NO WAY THAT IS WORTH GETTING TREATMENT FOR ATM#I feel myself getting more in my body and able to control it and relearn tricks and dance every day/week/month#MY LUNGS FEEL LIKE THEY CAN NEVER BE MINE AVAIN#anyway things are fine I’ve just been doing this in my journal for weeks and decicded to ✨share the process✨ lol#trauma evolution#shh katie#personal#health
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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Last night I watched 3 children while their parents went to a concert—2 five year olds and an eight year old—and they were calling each other nonsense mean names. I asked what one of the names meant and they told me “it means Donald Trump.” I laughed at that because. Kids are funny. And then the LOOK that came over them all as they squinted at me suspiciously and the eldest asked me quietly, “are you voting for him, or are you voting for her?”
And guys they literally started cheering and dancing when I said I was voting for Kamala Harris and it was just the funniest sweetest little moment ever
#it’s been a while since I was charged with more than one kid at a time#but it was so fun to be back at it in a group#and it was FUCKING EXHAUSTING but also:#I still got it 😎#I also left with some very complex emotions about ‘problem children’#because it was one kid from one family and two siblings from another#and the parents of the one kid were saying some kind of awful things about the eldest sibling#and the other parents are their close friends so I’m like first of all: that’s not mature behavior at all#but the main thing they complained about was this older child wanting attention#and I’m not an early childhood professional by any means#but I’ve got about a decade of working with kids 1-16 under my belt#and usually if a child is acting out to get attention… that means that a need is being neglected#physical emotional or social it doesn’t matter#this ‘problem child’ was high energy and a leader in the group#but she’s also in a different developmental stage than the children she spends the most time with#of course she’s going to play differently#and want different attention than the 5 year olds do#she pushed some boundaries because I’m a new person but she didn’t give me actual trouble#and it just made me so sad to hear that after they all went to bed#I find that children respond better if you treat them like… actual people that want to be taken seriously#it’s my second time with the three of them together as a play group and I’m more sure of this than I was the first time#I have never yet met a ‘bad’ child but I have met too many children without the support and understanding they need#but maybe I’m just an eldest daughter……………………………
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