#I’ve liked exactly one (1) joke he’s made and he’s been in the show since season 2

[greenlovescats]

Okay but if I hear Kraang Subprime speak one more time I’m gonna lose it.

[pickingupmymercedes]

Lewis Masterlist

Series/Multichapters

Longer than I care to admit p.1 / p.2 / p.3

“I have loved you for longer than I care to admit. I have not stopped loving you, even when I said I didn’t. Even when hating you was all I wanted.”

It comes with the territory p.1 / p.2 / p.3

“This… this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But no love is worth losing my sanity over. Not even ours.”

An Invisible String Theory Story p.1 / p.2 / p.3

"I’ve always felt that string pulling me closer to something. But never, not even in my most beautiful dreams, had I imagined that it was to bind us together."

It was bound to come out p.1 / p.2

"Do I look like I'm joking? This is not a joke! My father has seen a video of us... the one video that couldn’t leave my phone!"

Not just a pretty face p.1 / p.2 / p.3 / bonus

"because even this… even this agonizing dance is better than not having you at all."

Maybe in another life - p.1 / p.2 / p.3

"A what-if that will forever linger in the quiet corners of my mind."

She’s here and she’s ours - p.1 / p.2 / p.3 / p.4 / p.5 / p.6 / p.7 / p.8

You couldn’t really tell if he was telling you or himself that. "How you feeling dad?" "Amazed, hopeful, scared... in love"

Get me out of here p.1 / p.2

“Why are you defending him?” “Because we need to think this through, babe. Toto’s not one of us anymore, you saw it.”

Your future was Ferrari - p.1 / p.2

Surely, it meant nothing for Lewis and you would probably never see him again. Your future was at Ferrari, somewhere he would never step foot in. Or would he?!

Specials (collection of drabbles)

Ways to say “I love you��� p.1 / p.2 / p.3(NSFW)

All these little things p.1 / p.2

Small firsts p.1

Firsts - NSFW p.1 / p.2

Ways they show they love each other p.1 / p.2

One-Shots

Angst

It had to be enough - "I’m so fucking tired of fighting, of trying to prove that I still belong here." "I can’t keep watching you tear yourself apart like this. It’s killing me, Lewis."

Home is wherever you are - "You shouldn't have come" "Had to"

An impossible dream - "Don't you ever wonder what could have been?"

I didn't get scared. I'm always scared - “Do you even understand what it’s like for me? To love someone who lives every day like it might be their last?”

Not now, not ever - "You don't have to go through this alone, you know"

I'll come find you - “I’m scared… of how things have been, of how things are going to be.”

If these wings could fly - “I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything like Sunday. It’s been so long and everyone’s worked so hard for that”

And just like the sun, we will rise - “I can’t promise to have all the answers, but please let me in”

Fluffs

Salt and Starlight -“This is exactly how I imagined love when I was a teenager.” “Yeah? Did you imagine me too?” “Shut up.” “For the record, I like vintage Ferraris better anyway.”

A Christmas Carol - “That’s what makes it special, honey. It’s never about the perfect decorations or the perfect dinner. It’s about… this.” “The mess. The people. The noise. The love in all of it.”

What it means - “Since I was five, since I first saw Ayrton race on TV. He was my absolute hero, and I didn’t know much about the world back then, didn’t know what I could be, but seeing him… it made me believe.

Lucky you're hot - The kind of kiss that would’ve been cute—if it weren’t for the fact that I was very much on camera, in a professional setting, with a dozen or so people watching.

A smile like that -"And he’s out there, posting photos like it’s some romantic movie."

A bit mushy - How Lewis and his wife do in a couple's Interview.

Happy you're home - "And trust me, he adores you. He just doesn't know how to express it."

Later it is - “But that safety pin right there is holding on for dear life.” “I only care about what you think.” “Flatterer.”

Of thorns and blooms - "It's meant to be worn by someone who sees the world differently, who tells stories with every thread"

He always rises - "Like I knew I'd given it my all, every lap, every strategy meeting. And finally, finally, it’s paying off. It feels… good. It feels so damn good."

R for Roscoe, C for Coco - "You went through all this trouble just for Father's Day with Roscoe?"

Boy from Stevenage - "you don't need to win over that entire room tonight. You just need to make that brave boy from Stevenage proud."

Whispered fairytale - "The point is in the surprise. The joy of meeting them, whoever they are, for the very first time."

A thousand times over - "Since I still don’t believe it’s true… would you marry me, again?"

It sounds silly - "I'm a grown woman who’s achieved success in life, yet… I find myself comparing to those other women."

NSFW (+18 only)

White Fireproof - “I’m only pointing out the obvious. The 2019 ones were iconic. These? Meh.” “I don’t remember much from that race. But those ten minutes? Burned into my memory forever.”

Can't check out -“Where’s the cutthroat guy who would have had me pinned to the wall by now?"

Utterly gone -“But for the record, I also owe you.”

Very First -“I want this. I want you. And I’m not saying that lightly.”

Salty -"Told you” she whispered, her thumb brushing against his bottom lip. "It’s salty."

Damn him -“I believe you’ve got two things that are mine” “My hair tie you took with you this morning. And you babe, you're mine.”

Give yourself some credit - “I’m gonna give you five minutes to mourn that shit qualy” “You think you can handle me, pretty girl?”

What those arms can do - "Let's focus on you for now, love. And what these arms can do to you."

Warm enough - "Did you know there were no doors in this place?" "I might have known. Thought it could be romantic"

It's not just a win - The 104 special - "I just...I needed this. I needed to win. To prove to myself that I still can."

Improvised Compensation - "My plans definitely involve you" he continued, "but they can be done anywhere"

As good as chocolate - "That's a new way to claim your share"

I'm yours, only yours - Vegas special - “You really thought she was any match for you?”

It always points South - “Your compass tattoo, huh?”

My Venus - MET special - "I can actually feel your eyes searing holes in my dress, Lewis."

I want South - "Hello, miss explorer”

You only need to ask - "Seems like someone's forgotten how we got here in the first place"

It's Mrs. Hamilton - “Mark me, show me who I belong to”

The things we do for fashion - "Like what you see?" "More than you'll ever know."

Show me you care - “I’m asking you to, show me how much you want this, because I know you do”

My mark - “I’m not one to leave things unfinished”

NSFW alphabet

Senna!Reader x Lewis Hamilton

Thank you for everything - "It doesn't matter how long it's been" "Grief doesn't have a deadline."

Under an Ipê tree - “He would’ve liked you I think… would’ve hated to race you, for sure."

Drabbles

Do not under any circumstance plagarize, edit, repurpose, or repost any of my original work. this includes all of my works.

copyright © 2024 pickingupmymercedes all right reserved.

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - It's odd rn but VERY PRETTY

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

Oct 2024 Week 1

Ongoing Series - Thai

Jack & Joker (Thai Mon IQIYI) ep 4 of 12 - I love Joke so much! And I love War in this role so much. It’s great. This is a great show it’s such fun. The comedy is somewhat leaving me flat. But that’s normal for me in this kind of Thai BL. I also like Hope. I shouldn’t, but I do. I love the little girl character as well, and I do believe that Joke has found his scion in her.

(As per usual the grandma of this BL speaks for all of us.)

Kidnap (Fri YT) ep 5 of 12 - Coils be coiling. Mummy dearest is v hot. I do like the twist on the henchmen. It would’ve been really gut-wrenching if Q had put the rope around his own wrist the night that he slept by himself (or tried to). And they have now made "the promise that is destined to be broken" waves at trope. Meanwhile, great flirting. Next week being episode six we should be getting our kiss.

(Was GMMTV gently poking at Jack & Joker with that play-within-a-play reference to Jack as Min's stunt part?)

Fourever You (Thai Thurs YT) ep 1 of 16 - Sampler pack university BL from Wabi Sabi that's trying to be a gay Boys Over Flowers (4 older med student hot boys + frosh) and it’s exactly what I want right now. Is it good? No, not really. Do I care? Not at all. It is, in fact, boys over flowers... only boys no flowers. I really couldn’t want anything more than that. What can I say? I’m easy. I love a pining seme. I guess what I am saying is, I am trash for trash. Inject this shit directly into my eyeballs.

Love Sick 2024 (Thai Sun iQIYI) ep 3 of 15 - At least in this version they talk bit more with each other about what’s going on. (Then again in the original we didn't need it, the acting was so good.) Still it’s a lot more modern to see representation of communication, but but the previous version felt more honest to teen behavior. This open communication entirely changes the push pull dynamic of Phun & Noh's whole relationship. I actually LIKE that change because it makes it very different from the original. I’ve been hoping that this one would veer in a different direction. I'm enjoying that they've made it Phun with the long term crush, and that he’s sort of testing himself with heterosexuality. It is selfish, but it is also a very rich kid thing to do. I love the shouted confessions and the decision to not date. This is a really good twist on the original. I’m liking this a hell of a lot more now that it’s substantially changed in direction, if not in tone.

Monster Next Door (Thai Thurs Gaga ) ep 11 of 12 - It’s very sweet and wholesome. And everyone kisses pretty. And I do like the communication and green flag aspects of this show. But I'm also finding it a touch dull. 

Battle of the Writers (Sun YT) ep 9 of 12 - I don’t know. The pretending to be blind thing is weird. This whole show is weird. I’m kinda weirded out by it. I like the two side couples well enough, but we get barely any time with them at all.

I Saw You in My Dream (Weds Gaga) ep 12 fin - I like that they did come around to the dreaming thing as a major plot point in the end. Even though it felt like they forgot about it in the middle. And I liked that it was an inherited family trait. I didn’t expect that (should have, but I didn't). And I thought it suited this kind of drama, even if it was a little pat. The whole family helping at the very end was very sweet and a nice full circle for the narrative. (Like the Ae's family sort of adopting the next-door kids originally. 

Summation

A cute friends to lovers romance, that’s a little bit like the stepbrothers trope since these two grow up next-door to each other and in and out of each other’s lives. The paranormal element is about prophetic dreams, and it is threaded through the narrative even if it gets somewhat lost in the muddy middle. All in all, a sweet fun little series with decent chemistry. 8/10

Addicted Heroin (Thai Tues WeTV) ep 8 of 10 - I've totally forgotten what’s going on. There was another kidnapping. Maybe they’re actually dating now? I don’t know. Honestly, it won’t really matter cause everything will change by the end of this episode... again. That said, I did love the parental confrontation sequence. It’s not as good as in the original because it’s a lot more direct and modernized, but it was pleasingly aggressive. Which I weirdly appreciated for the military angle. The cross-dressing thing was odd. The dolls advertising thing is even odder. Jealous baby on sports day was good though.

Bad Guy My Boss (Thai Sun Gaga) ep 3 of 10 - Why did I feel like I’ve seen this entire episode already. It’s just different characters saying the same thing to the main characters or flirting the same way or whatever. 

Live in Love (Sun Gaga) ep 5 fin - I did not like this ep at all. Fully half of it was evil backstabbing and some bullying and some sort of trying to engender sympathy for a friendship betrayal. And I was not on board. (Wouldn’t mind seen Hali and that cute kid in something together tho.) 

Conclusion

Basically this was a story about online relationships and how they interface with the real world, and in personal friendships, plus bullying of all types and some backstabbing and shipping. The acting was weak, the sound was terrible, and generally it was an old style pulp offering. It tried to deal with some interesting issues, but was awfully clumsy about it. 5/10 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Sugar Dog Life (Japan Sun grey) ep 9 fin - Such a great confession, so truthful and earnest and honest. And he’s also like that with his friends. And such a nice answer. I love that during the cool off they both realize how very much they both act like are boyfriends to each other all the time. Ooo running of the gays! And we even got a cute little smile kiss!!!! and an adorable boyfriend montage at the end. How unexpectedly satisfying of you, Japan!

Summation 

This is a phenomenally charming and adorable little romance about a forlorn university kid and the police officer who adopts him. They are relentlessly kind to each other, in fact it’s an extremely kindly show over all (everyone in it is so nice to everyone else including us) so there’s very little tension. But what it lacks in drive and complexity it makes up for in earnest acts of service and simple affection. These two are basically boyfriends from the get-go, it’s just one of them acts like it and doesn’t realize it and the other one realizes it and has to figure out how to make it a reality. It’s incredibly sweet and incredibly wholesome, nourishing but delicious. Everybody who can should watch this show. It will make you feel better about life. 

Easy 9/10 on this one from me.  

GO WATCH IT  

Teenager Judge (Vietnam Sat YT) ep 2 of ? - We have some semblance of a plot! Yay! Our BV tsundere character is secretly an online judge who whistleblows and exposes corruption in the school system. How very Pump Up the Volume. I am not mad about it. Also 2 of the prettiest seme bullies EVER. The epic pout-off with these bad boys. Be still my heart.

Our Golden Times (Hong Knong ??? YT) 1-4 of ? - Billed as a BL from Hong Kong I’m not sure we can trust this one to a get finished or be cohesive or have an HEA. But the optics are good. Everybody’s very pretty. It’s chaotic and clumsy and a little odd. But most of the stuff on my dash is these days, so what the hell? And ya know what, I kinda like it.

Love is Like a Poison AKA Doku Koi: Doku mo Sugireba Koi to Naru (Japan Tues Netflix?) 4 of 10 eps - It remains entertaining but off kilter in that way that indicates 50% chance of ultimate dissatisfaction in the JBL pantheon. 

First Note Of Love (Taiwan Mon Gaga) ep 9 of 12 - I wish we knew a little bit more about Sea's background/family. Neil should just tell him what the hell is going on. Why wouldn’t he? Instead they artificially wedged the main couple apart for most of this episode and Orca wasn’t there at all? = Not a good episode IMHO.

It's airing but...

My Damn Business (Korea Sat ????) 7 eps - supposedly airing on Saturdays starting 10/5 have no roleand I found the trailer but nothing else.

The Hidden Moon (Sat WeTV) ep 1 of 10 - This is a supernatural romance (my ghost boyfriend trope) by Violet Rain (I Feel You Linger). A man is hired to write an article about an old mansion in Chiang Mai being converted into a café. He sees the ghosts of people who died at the mansion, falls in love with one of them. Was substantially recast. I loved IFYLITA except the ending so I think I'll let this one run it's course you can tell me if it's work tracking down... if they managed to land it. I have my doubts.

Next Week Looks Like This:

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

Coming Oct 2024:

10/7 Every You Every Me (Thai Mon Gaga) 10 eps - Jade and Chin have lived over a thousand lifetimes. In each one they somehow manage to fall in love with each other. (This pair, TopMick was piloted in a My Universe ep, that was one of the only ones I liked.)

10/10 Eccentric Romance (Korea Thurs Viki & Gaga) 12 eps - Silkwood’s 2nd Thai/Korean colab, that has been in production since 2022 which is a LONG time in the BL world. I'm worried but I like the concept: friends of 10 years who’ve been hiding feelings for each other enter the same university. Plus MURDER.

10/10 Gangster and His Boyfriend (Korea Thurs ????) 8 eps? - Kim Dong Bin (famous trainee & idol reality competitor, yeah that happens) stars as a fallen idol who unexpectedly becomes entangled in a gangster family. Discovers that his friend’s father is responsible for the murder of his entire family years ago. I don't know much about this one, neither does anyone else and I'm not sure where I got that release date so……

10/21 Love in the Big City (Korea ????) 8 eps - Okay both a movie (already out) and a series. Neither one is likely BL and I can't imagine it will end happily. I'm giving both a pass but here's your synopsis.

Cynical fun loving student Young pinballs from home, to class, to on night stands. He and Jaehee, his female besie and roommate, frequent nearby bars where they push away their worries about life, love, and money with soju and hookups.

10/23 See Your Love (Taiwan Gaga Viki) 10 eps? - Zi Xiong, a third-generation heir, attempting to flee from taking over their family business, meets and falls in love with Shao Peng, who works as a hearing-impaired nurse. From the same production house as Kiseki Dear To Me in partnership with Shinehouse Theatre, funded by Taiwan’s BIGART + Japan's Rakuten (Viki). Show includes Lin Chia Yo (Be Loved in House: I Do). Director Chiang Ping Chen’s childhood experiences with his deaf uncle have inspired the drama.

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

I kinda love it when someone else does the prophetic claiming. Our Golden Times

Crumbs in Summer Nights but they very cute crumbs. We didn't even really get to see them get together but I'm glad that they are.

(Last week)

Streaming services are listed by how I (usually) watch, which is with a USA based IP, and often offset by a day because time zones are a pain.

The tag BLigade: @doorajar @solitaryandwandering @my-rose-tinted-glasses @babymbbatinygirl @babymbbatinygirl @isisanna-blog @mmastertheone @pickletrip @aliceisathome @urikawa-miyuki @tokillamonger @sunflower-positiiivity @rocketturtle4 @blglplus @anythinggoesintheshire @everlightly @renafire @mestizashinrin @bl-bam-beyond @small-dark-and-delicious @saezurumurmurs

Sigh, Tumblr in its infinite wisdom doesn't like too many at-ings.

[chukys-mouthguard]

broken memories pt. 3

2.9k words

-> sequel to kinda tempting

featuring -> mat barzal x female reader x matt rempe

warnings -> mentions loss of pregnancy/miscarriage

note -> the beginning of this chapter is in the past, then catches up to the phone call that the last chapter ended in the middle of!

part 1 | part 2

Mat slowly made his way down the hall, his body sore from the late night training session. All he could think about was climbing into bed and relaxing, not even caring about dinner or checking his phone. Simply needing to rest.

As he opened the door to his apartment he was greeted by the sight of candles on the kitchen island. Two glasses of wine poured with Ava seated and smiling at him.

“Hey baby! Surprise!”

He mustered up a smile, as much as he enjoyed the surprise he truly just wished she hadn’t been there at all. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, but he really wasn’t in the mood for wine and food.

“Hi, what’s this?”

Ava stood up from her spot at the island, walking over to wrap Mat in a hug before deeply kissing his lips. It had been several weeks since he’d seen her, with her work schedule having gotten crazy this summer. He knew she was back in town, just didn’t realize she’d be at his place waiting on him.

“I just, I missed you. Wanted to surprise you.”

He let out a sigh, seeing the lengths she’d gone to make a special set up for him to come home to, knowing that her actions would make the conversation he’d been debating having that much harder to go through with.

Since Mat had seen you and heard about your miscarriage, he’d felt awful. Though he wasn’t exactly doing his best to show that, all of your texts went unanswered as he’d been struggling to not feel like he was disrespecting Ava. As if he hadn’t already fucked up in that department once before. But the more he’d thought about you alone, without Matt, and going through this process of losing your baby, he knew that he couldn’t go through with marrying Ava.

His heart was always going to belong to you, whether you’d cheated on him or not. Whether you ended up pregnant or not. It was you and only you for Mat.

But now, as he saw the lengths Ava had gone to in order to make the night special, he couldn’t imagine hurting her with this news. She’d be blindsided, and of course hurt. His reason was certainly not a good one, and he would deserve anything she spat back at him. Because it was a fucked up thing he was going to do, but he had to end it. For you.

“Ava, this is very sweet. But, can we just talk for a second?”

Her smile remained, not a single suspicion of what was coming. Her hands were holding tight to his as Mat took a seat next to her.

“I, I think you’re amazing. Truly. And, while I thought this was what I wanted for myself. I’ve come to realize, it’s not what I want. My heart isn’t fully in this, and if I can’t give my all to you, then I need to take a step back and not waste your time. I can’t do this anymore.”

She dropped his hands as she was stunned, her lip quivering as she tried to find the words. But instead all she could do was pace, trying to make sense of the situation.

“You’re ending this? But, why? Out of the blue you just can’t do this anymore?”

Mat tried his best to say the right thing, but nothing in this moment was going to be right. It would all hurt and be wrong, but it had to be done.

“I know it’s a shitty thing to say, but I'm in love with someone else.”

Ava stopped in her tracks, her expression now turned to one of anger as he pointed at him shaking her head.

“No, don’t you fucking dare tell me you’re ending this for her. You’re joking. After she cheated on you and let me remind you, got pregnant! Did you forget about that?”

Mat shook his head, a light chuckle leaving his lips as he stood up from the island. Now the one pacing the floor as he tried to keep a level head.

“And let me remind you, I did the same fucking thing to her first, with you! Don’t act like you’re some fucking saint Ava!”

He spat back at her, hating how harsh he was being, but needing her to understand that you didn’t start this mess. The two of them did, and regardless of how you might have reacted to Mat’s cheating, he still loved you. And that was enough for him to try and fight for you.

“Okay fine, so she went tit for tat, but Mat she’s fucking pregnant with Rempe’s baby. You’re giving up on us for a girl who is happily starting a life with someone else, are you fucking listening to yourself right now?”

“Ava she lost her fucking baby! Okay?”

His voice rang throughout the apartment, his anger coming more from the pain he’d felt for you than anything else. He knew you would’ve been an amazing mother, and it hurt him knowing that was ripped away from you.

“So, what, you feel sorry for her? That’s tugging at your heartstrings and you’re somehow going to magically swoop in and make her life better? You’re calling this off for a sob story?”

He bit his tongue, never knowing Ava to be such, well quite frankly a bitch. And while he wanted to defend you, to not let her say such nasty things, he knew he just needed her gone.

“No Ava, I’m calling this off because I’m not in love with you. I don’t want to marry you, I don’t see a future with you. I don’t want to be with you anymore. I proposed to you as a distraction, to try and cover up the hurt I felt about everything that happened. But it’s only made my feelings for her more obvious, and that’s why I’m ending this.”

Before he could kindly ask her to leave she’d picked up her glass, drenching Mat in red wine as he simply accepted it. Figuring that mess would be easier to clean than the fallout of this breakup.

“Fuck you Barzal, I hope you’re very fucking happy with her.”

She quickly gathered her wallet and keys, in this moment he was thankful he’d not had her move in so she had little to take.

“News flash, maybe if you wouldn’t have hurt her in the first place, you wouldn’t have ended up wasting my time and hurting me too.”

A slam of the door and she was gone, Mat finally able to breathe a sigh of relief as he’d begun cleaning up the mess of wine. Once finished he took a seat on the couch, flipping through his phone to land on your text messages, finally sending a reply in the hopes you’d not decided to write him off altogether.

-

“I’m sorry, you did what?”

You’d sat up on the couch, your mind completely blank at what Mat had just told you. Surely he’d misspoken or you’d heard him wrong. The idea that in the time he had been ignoring you he’d spontaneously decided to call off his engagement almost as quickly as it had happened.

“I called off the engagement, I ended it with Ava. I couldn’t keep lying to myself that there was something there with her, especially with her being the girl I’d gone behind your back with.”

Tossing the throw blanket from your lap, you began pacing the floor. Unsure of what to say, minutes ago convinced that you and Rempe were possibly going to start over and now Mat did this.

“Mat, I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. Why would you do that?”

He slightly chuckled at your question, assuming it was obvious why he would’ve done it.

“Well, I did it for you of course. I love you y/n, I don’t want anyone but you.”

The line had gone silent as you were speechless, Mat growing nervous as you hadn’t responded. Wondering if perhaps he’d sounded crazy, if you were upset with him for having ignored you for too long. Nothing seemed like the right response in the moment, surely you wouldn’t just jump back into something with him. Despite the love you would always have for Mat, so much had happened that made it that much harder to think straight.

“Please, say something. You’re making me nervous here y/n.”

He slightly chuckled despite his tone being a bit impatient, trying to lighten the mood. Snapping you from your thoughts as you knew you had to say something.

“Um, well. That is a pretty big decision to make, I’m sure it wasn’t necessarily easy to have that conversation with Ava. And I think I need to process this news myself, I just was never expecting you to break things off with her, for me.”

Mat could hear the uncertainty in your voice, he should’ve known this would have caught you off guard. And he’d felt a bit unsure of how you were reacting to it all.

“If you don’t mind, I’m just not sure I can give you a response you want to hear right now. I’ve just, I’ve got a lot going on as you can imagine.”

“Of course! God, no, I wasn’t expecting anything in return. I just, I wanted you to hear it from me was all. Have a good night y/n.”

Though he tried to play it off, you could hear the disappointment and frustration in his voice. Surely he was thinking you’d take him back like it was nothing, and plenty of times prior you would have. But there was no way for you to make such a decision at the moment.

-

You’d barely slept that night. The idea of Mat breaking off his engagement for you on top of your sudden feelings for Rempe that were manifesting. To say you were overwhelmed would be an understatement. Not knowing if Mat’s phone call was something you wanted to even bring up to Rempe, knowing it would only cause a fight. And you two seemed to be on a new path, one that you’d hoped would end in a more positive light.

Searching for your phone you were pleasantly surprised by a good morning text from Rempe, saying he hoped you got a good night's sleep, and to call him if you needed a good laugh to start your day. Which you figured couldn’t ever hurt, opting to call him as you headed to the kitchen to make some coffee.

“Good morning sunshine.”

You could sense his smile through the phone, one appearing on your own lips as you searched the drawer for a coffee pod.

“Matthew Rempe, you better have something truly funny to tell me this early in the morning.”

He went on to tell you how the guys pranked him at his training session, something about clear tape on his skates making him fall and look like a baby deer on the ice. The image alone being enough to almost have you in tears.

He’d asked how you slept, what your plans were for the day, then told you a bit more about his training session.

“Do you want to go to dinner or something tonight?”

Matt was just as surprised as you were with the words that had poured from your lips. Not necessarily thinking of what his reaction would be, only thinking that the idea felt right in the moment.

“Um, I could do dinner or something. Like, a date?”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking. So you’ll go on a date with me tonight? No ghosting or anything, you promise?”

Matt chuckled to himself as you searched the fridge for your coffee creamer.

“Now why on earth would I ever want to not show up on a date with you?”

“I don’t know because I think I’m pretty amazing if you ask me. But, be at my place around seven?”

“It’s a date!”

-

One date turned to three, and soon enough you and Matt had been going on weekly dates like it was second nature. Whether it be dinner, ice cream, or coffee after one of his early training sessions. The two of you had fallen into a routine, starting something new that was a nice change of pace from how you’d begun things the last time.

It wasn’t necessarily spoken about, if you were ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ or what you were, though you both had felt things were in the right direction. Not wanting to rush a label or anything, still navigating the sudden changes for you both despite the grieving getting easier.

Matt had picked you up from your place to take you out to dinner, the restaurant not far from your apartment had become a common spot for date nights. Normally you’d not run into fans, despite Matt being who he was, though when the occasional fan said hello they were respectful of your time and didn’t cause a scene or anything.

“Um, excuse me, are you, y/n? And, Matt Rempe?”

Looking to your left as you stood at the crosswalk awaiting the signal to go, you saw a young couple smiling at the two of you. Though you were only the social media manager, because of your relationship with Matt and the obvious announcement of a pregnancy, you’d begun to be noticed by Rangers fans. Not that you minded it, it was just something you never imagined for yourself.

Matt held tight to your hand in reassurance as he smiled at them, introducing himself as they asked to take a quick photo. You’d offered to take it, chatting with the couple briefly as the busy street traffic buzzed around you.

“I have to ask, if you don’t mind, how excited are you for your baby? We have a little girl at home and we absolutely love every minute of it!”

Matt’s smile slightly faded at the question, his hand gripping yours tight as he wasn’t sure how you would react to the question, knowing that things had gotten a bit easier since first learning the news, but you’d not spoken to really anyone about it in awhile.

But you held it together, returning the smile as you did your best to formulate a response, despite it being a lie, you knew this wasn’t the time or place to reveal the sad truth of the situation.

“We are very excited, she is our whole world!”

The couple smiled at the two of you, wishing you good luck before they headed off in the opposite direction as Matt immediately turned to you, his hands lightly caressing your face as he looked down at you.

“Are you okay? I know that couldn’t have been easy, do you wanna just do takeout instead tonight? Go back to the apartment?”

-

You’d been thinking about the interaction with those fans for the last week. Hating that you’d lied to them, but also knowing you couldn’t have said the words out loud. Still taking your time to navigate it all with Matt, wanting to make sure that you were able to share the news together in your time.

With training camp starting, you knew questions would begin to come. Most obviously regarding your baby bump that was no more. With how far along you’d become it should’ve been more noticeable now. The answer certainly was not to lie any longer, that would only be cruel to those that were excited for you and the new journey that was beginning for you and Matt.

Sitting at your laptop, you took a break from editing some of the training camp content to start typing your thoughts into some sort of statement. Not wanting to say too much, but also not too little. When you’d gotten it to a good enough place you shot Matt a text, asking if he could come and see you.

“Hey you, I got your text?”

He kissed your head as he rested an arm at the small of your back, looking down at your laptop to see what you had been working on.

“I've been thinking about it, and I don’t think we can go any longer without making the news public. People will start to notice something is up when I don’t look pregnant anymore.”

The two of you slightly chuckled as Matt’s hand slowly rubbed your back, consoling you as he knew this wasn’t an easy thing to do.

“I agree, and I am fully supportive of however you feel we should do this. It’s definitely not fair to you to have to lie when people ask, especially when they don’t know and they think they’re just being nice asking. I say we post it, and I will be right by your side as we receive all the questions and comments in response. Because I’m sure there will be tons.”

You let out a deep sigh, looking over the statement once more, waiting to get the stamp of approval from your supervisor to post it to the Rangers socials.

“Okay, it’s posted.”

You closed your laptop as soon as you hit post, Matt immediately pulled you into a hug as he kissed your head. Doing his best to simply reassure you it was all going to be okay, and that he’d be by your side no matter what.

[writingsfromhome]

If you Love Something II

A/N: okayy I’m finally going to stop overthinking and just post this one. Please note the tw in part 1. Thank you all SO much for the comments and love on the original…hope this one meets ur expectations. It’s definitely more focused on the lost daughter relationship rather than you and Harry so p dense but...here it is 🫣

——————————————

Age 36:

“Dinner’s almost ready,” Harry informs me over the phone. “I went with chicken noodle soup.”

“Mmm,” I close my eyes. “I could use something hot and hearty right now. I’m freezing my ass off.”

“I didn’t need to make dinner for that.”

“So come here, warm me up,” I crane my neck to the left again. “Stupid delays.”

“I can come get you."

I’d mapped it out before calling Harry, it would take him too long to get here. “That’s alright. Doesn’t make a difference.”

The screen on the platform showed 6 minutes…for the past 15 minutes.

“I’ve either been living in the longest minute of my fucking life,” I mutter. “Or this line is taking the piss out of all of us.”

Two dozen of us had gotten off the last train when it announced it was out of service. Now the number on the platform had tripled waiting for the next one.

“Patience,” Harry says. “Is a virtue.”

“Easy for you to say in the warm flat with the chicken noodle soup.”

“It’ll be yours soon.”

Soon. I sigh and try to release the anxious energy with it. “Thank you for taking care of dinner.”

“Of course.” He replies. Like it was that simple. But being with Harry was like that nowadays.

Despite all the catching up we had to do with the 17 years we had lived separate lives, emotionally it’s like we picked up where we last left off.

I’d be lying if I said it was smooth sailing the whole year we’d been together. There had been a hard few first months where both of us felt unnerved by the peacefulness of the relationship. We weren’t used to such an easy quiet.

I’d tried to self-sabotage first by going awol and working longer hours than I needed to. I think I was scared Harry would wake up one day and realize too much time had passed and he didn’t like who I’d become so I minimized our time together. Until Harry called me out for it.

But then he went off the rails, and for a few weeks I’d been an even bigger ball of anxiety. Ultimately I had to give him the hard truth even though the last thing I ever wanted was to convince someone to stay with an ultimatum. But I’d told him, he had to at least attempt sobriety if he wanted us to work.

There were a few sleepless nights, I didn’t know if we were going to make it. But one morning he asked me to go to an aa meeting with him.

Going together, being in the same boat as a group of people gathered in the back room of a dusty church finally gelled us together. For good. He’d been sober since.

We moved in together 7 months ago. Even though it doubled my commute time—tripled with delays, I had never been more sure that I was exactly where I needed to be.

We held space for each other. Even the heavier bits; we knew what they were. What it was like to hold them on our own. We always joked about how our loads had halved despite taking on half of the other’s. Because just like our venn diagram of love, our venn diagram of hurting was the same.

“Oh god, I better not be hallucinating.” I nearly jump up and down when the twin headlights of the next train peek in the distance. The platform board still says 6 minutes.

“You’re cutting up what?”

“Nothing! Train’s here!”

“I’ll pick you up from the station.” Harry says before I hang up.

I spend the remaining 15 minute ride going over the lecture I’d given tonight.

3 years ago when I applied to be a lecturer I didn’t actually think I’d get it. But in the 10 years of my career I had collected, I had done exceptionally well. It was ironic with all the bullshit life threw at me, I had somehow channeled it into a determined work ethic. After failing many math tests in high school I had found a love for it in uni—it made me work hard, get out of my head with its constant thoughts. Harry now took to calling me a masochist for teaching something mathematical.

In reality it wasn’t that mathematical. I taught Management Econ which was a snorefest on paper but I tried to be engaging and include a whole host of ways to teach—I knew not everyone excelled with a textbook.

It had made the course popular, it went from being offered once a semester to 3 times this year because the waitlist spoke for itself. It was one of my proudest accomplishment—getting students motivated and interested. And because it was mostly first and second year students, they were still eager and not jaded by the uni system.

That was how I spent my evenings on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. Otherwise I worked for the city the same hours Harry worked his creative exec job at a major firm in the city. Sometimes we met up for lunch. It was the little things like that, making time to see each other in the middle of the day even though we woke up and fell asleep to each other, that made this relationship feel so secure.

It felt like coming home each time I caught sight of his face, and knew his smile was just for me.

My thoughts drift to our daughter. She would have celebrated her 18th birthday a few weeks ago. I always lit a birthday candle for her, this year Harry and I bought a cake and a symbolic drink for her. Our baby was old enough to drink.

“Do you think she takes after her parents?” Harry had asked.

“I think she grew up alright.” I always imagined her to have. “I hope she has no reason to drink herself silly.”

“Being 18 is reason enough.”

We talk about her often. She slips into conversation as easily as inhaling. It keeps her with us.

When I spot Harry’s car at the station I nearly weep.

“Your cheeks are so cold,” Harry says after a peck hello. He holds them both in his heated hands and plants exaggerated kisses on each cheek.

“Please sir,” I kiss his mouth and continue in what Harry called my Oliver Twist accent. “Take me to the chicken noodle soup. I hunger.”

Harry responds in the same accent (although it wasn’t as good as mine) and pretty soon I’m forgetting the 20 minute delay, the lecture with 100 technical difficulties, and anything in between.

After dinner and completing my 20 step night time routine I crawl into bed beside a cozy-looking Harry.

“Whatcha reading?” I peek at his book. I can’t believe he was the reading-before-bed type. In a way it was so different from the 17 year old guy I knew. It was also a reminder that even though we knew each other through and through, there were still so many habits and stories and quirks to discover.

“It’s a boring as hell sci-fi novel, don’t ask.”

“Then why are you reading it?”

“I accidentally joined a book club at work!?”

He tells me the story of how he told some people he enjoyed reading, and then being unable to say no when they bought this month’s book for him and presented it to him a week later.

“I bet you that’s their ponze scheme. It’s like an MLM, the latest recruit has to guilt the next joinee. You’ll be doing it soon.”

Harry laughs and holds his book out to me. “That actually brings me to my next question with this very generous gift, do you like reading?”

“Nope.” I push the book away. “I also don’t like book clubs.”

He tosses the book down lightly. “Damnit!”

We laugh. I cuddle into his side and lay my head on his chest as he finishes his chapter. His heart beat is steady, like the life he’s helped me create as we committed to each other. I listen to it as it lulls me to a calmer place.

“So how was work? How’s your students this semester?”

“Work’s good. Same old right now. Teaching was interesting. It’s the second week of classes so still seeing a lot of people come and go. You start to see the regulars by week 3.”

“Full class?”

“Almost,” I tell him. “A few empty seats. There was one girl who was obviously watching tv the whole time, another guy that fell asleep halfway, and this other kid kept looking at the door like he was physically trying to decide whether he would stay. Weird lot.”

“They won’t be there next week.”

“Nope.”

“You think she’s starting uni? I wonder what she’s decided to study.”

“Mmm, I always think it’s something creative like you.”

Harry squeezes his arm around me. “I think she’s a masochist like you.”

We talk more about her, about the upcoming weekend, and as sleep visits we drift away still intertwined like most nights.

***

“Does anyone know why?” I ask the lecture hall. Just like I predicted, most of the people I knew wouldn’t make it were gone. Now there were just under 60 students in total. What had surprised me was the guy who looked nervous the second week stayed. He’d been joined by two friends who only showed up in week 4. He was probably the designated note taker.

A girl to the left puts her hand up and I point to her. “The growing gap between upper and middle classes?”

“Yes.” I give her a reassuring smile. Until I started teaching, I forgot that most answers they gave were questions. “Anyone else?”

The girl beside nervous guy puts her hand up. “The ageing population, it skews the demographic from what was initially projected?”

“Exactly,” I try not to show favourites but that was beautifully said. Maybe she didn’t need to come to all the classes.

“That would also affect the workforce,” a guy sitting in the front pipes in. I smile, pleased that a discussion was forming.

A few others join in and I nod at each point. I loved this job.

After class is over I always got a few stragglers asking questions. The nervous guy comes up to me.

“Um professor,” he hitches his backpack and glances back at his friends. “For the assignment due next week, can groups of 3 be okay?”

I glance at his friends, it was supposed to be in pairs but what the hell. “Sure. But I’ll need extra stuffing in the assignment to make up for it.”

I say it with a joking tone but he’s so wound up that he takes me seriously.

“Of course. We’ll increase the citations and make sure to include more research-“

“Philippe,” one of the girls is suddenly a few feet away.

“Thank you.” He says, finally meeting my eye. I smile and he relaxes. I turn to his friends, to acknowledge them but they stare at me like I’d grown a second head. One of the other students asks her questions and I turn my attention away—weird.

***

“Mid-terms?” Harry asks. I’m reading a textbook while I stand over the simmering pot. We had accidentally ordered 4 times the tomatoes on our online order last week and with three still left I’d decided to batch make spaghetti sauce. It had been a long time since I made it from scratch.

“Kind of.” I push the book aside. “Someone in the department wants to update the textbooks and they left notes in the old one for what needs updating. They asked me to take a look.”

“That’s cool,” Harry walks over to me. He smelled like cologne and outside, the way he usually did right after he came home on chillier days. “That he wants your opinion?”

“She actually,” I poke him. “And it is! I can’t believe I get paid to lecture about one of my passions.”

“Economics,” Harry makes a face like he smelled something bad.

“Makes the world go round,” I smile sweetly.

“Remember when you liked things that were cool like Harry Potter and Coldplay-“

“I still like them! If I recall you’re the one who motivated me to do well in maths.”

“I did?” Harry looks off into the distance but his slow smirk is evident that he was remembering. He tilts my chin up and brushes my lips. “You’re right. So how about now? Would that still work?”

“Do you want me to stroke your ego right now?”

“Amongst other things,” he muses, his hands drop down to my hips and then lower, giving my bum a squeeze.

“Cut it out,” I scold him but it’s cancelled by the smile on my face. I shake my head and go back to the simmering pot.

“Is that tomato soup?” Harry’s suddenly distracted by the pot. We’d been having a lot of it this week because…well tomatoes.

“Nope, I’m making spaghetti sauce. From scratch.”

“Hey, didn’t you make that one time? When we were kids.”

“Hm,” I think back. It felt like so long ago but something niggles at me. “I think? I used to help my mum—it’s her recipe. Maybe you had dinner on a night we made it?”

“Yes. Dinner at your place, around Easter.”

I remember that Easter clearly but not for dinner. It was a night Harry and I had talked our lives all out.

“Aw. We were so young then.” I wrap my arms around Harry.

“I’m still young,” Harry says. “I’m in my prime.”

I pat his cheek. “Of course you are love.”

***

“Taylor I can’t really do this right now!” I tell my sister as she whines to me. No matter how old we got we were always somehow 17 and 12.

“C��mon just call mom! Tell her you met him and he’s really awesome.”

“I’m not lying to mom so you can invite your newest loser boyfriend to dinner. Anyway I can’t talk. I have to get to class!”

“I know.” She says weirdly. And I understand why when I walk into class and see her sitting in the front row. Ugh she knew I would try to blow her off!

My sister had somehow taken up the bad habit ever since her mid-20s of having a string of shitty boyfriends. We all blamed it on her longterm bloke breaking it off around her 26th. I don’t think she ever fully let herself heal from that.

After two separate guys were invited to two separate family dinners and both ended in mum or dad exploding over something, they were banned. This new guy, as she insists, was different. Mature. He deserved an invite.

She holds up 9 fingers and mouths, 9 months! That’s a long time!

I shake my head and start setting up my laptop.

“Hiya,” one of the students, Kim, walks up to me as I do so. “Sorry I was just wondering when we’re getting our assignments back? Will it be before midterms?”

Midterms were in 2 weeks for this class. The assignments were in my bag, marked and ready. I tell her and watch the relief spread through her.

I spend the next hour teaching, and before we break at the hour I announce I’d return assignments. As I call them out student walks down to me and pick them up, leaving with a smile or a frown.

“Philippe?” He had stuck to his word and his group had gone above and beyond. It was a beautiful paper, albeit overly-sourced. But I appreciated it.

“He’s not in,” one of his friends comes down to get it. She looks at me in that same way again, with just as much fear as curiosity. It’s odd.

“C’mon then,” I shake the paper I was holding out. “I don’t bite.”

“Oh sorry,” she grabs it from me in a rush I nearly get a papercut. She doesn’t even look at the grade, turning quickly away before halting, pivoting halfway, changing her mind, and running back up the steps to her seat. That group of kids were weird. Maybe they were on drugs.

I catch eyes with Taylor and she raises her brow. I shrug and continue handing out the papers.

I don’t expect the girl to come up to me after class. Her friend stays hovering behind, close to my sister who I know must be desperate to have sat here the whole lecture.

“Um ‘scuse me. Professor?”

“Yes?” She was the last person in the small line that had formed after class.

“I had a question about the assignment? You um, you said we missed the equations for our answers but they’re um-“ her hands are shaking as she flips the pages to the last page. “They’re on the bottom here.”

“Oh,” I did remember they were missing it but my pen marks were all over the back of it. “I must have missed that, bloody hell sorry about that!”

“Yeah um, do we get the extra points?”

“Of course but I-“ I glance back at Taylor. She’s talking to the friend. I had to get her out of here before she said something ridiculous. “I have office hours after my Monday class. I’ll have it remarked by then and you can pick it up?”

“Um, okay?”

I quickly shut my things down and grab my sister, getting her out as quick as possible.

“I’m a professional,” she reminds me. “Jeez. Anyway Y/n listen it’s the longest I’ve been in a relationship since, well y’know. 9 months! It’s different with this guy. He works like you! A cushy office job. He’s serious. Please!?”

I hadn’t seen Taylor since last month’s dinner when she had tried to convince me to get on board with this guy. She’d been pleading for a month. “Fine.”

“Oh I love you!” She squeezes my arm. “Text me when mom gives the okay.”

I sigh. I’d really got myself in the middle again.

I retell this to Harry when I get home.

“She’s persistent. But 9 months is a new record.”

“I know!” Harry knew all about her string of boys, I’d caught him up months ago. “Anyway I can’t believe she sat through the whole lecture.”

“Maybe this is the guy. The One.”

“You don’t believe in that do you?”

“Yeah?” He squints at me. “Of course I do?”

“So I’m The One?”

“Baby do I even need to say yes? I knew it as soon as I saw you when we were 14. You confirmed it when you kissed me on the roof that day.”

“I can’t believe I did that. I had my first drink that day by the way so I might’ve been drunk.”

“You were not drunk when you kissed me,” Harry points his fork at me.

“Look at you getting all worked up,” I tease.

“I’ll get you all worked up,” he mutters into his plate. I grin as I stretch my leg out under the table and run it up his leg. He grips my ankle when it gets too high and the look he gives me across the table sends my heart racing.

“Oops,” I drop my foot and go back to eating.

We put on a movie after, something we can zone out to. It doesn’t take Harry long to get bored and nuzzle into me, and it doesn’t take much longer after that before the movie is just for show and we’re tangled in our sheets.

There were 17 years of experience Harry showed up with now, and it was another one of those things that made catching up on lost time all the better.

***

In the first half hour of my office hours, the girl walks in. I should remember her name but I just associated her group with Philippe. I was surprised he wasn’t here actually. He seemed to be their spokesperson.

“Hi come in!” I wave her into the tiny cubicle-like room I borrowed for a few hours every Monday. “I’ve got your assignment here all done.”

“Thank you,” she hovers over my desk and I hand it over. Her fingers fidget with the strings of her hoodie and I seriously consider the drug angle. Or maybe her and her friends had serious anxiety issues. I didn’t miss that part about being a teen.

“You wanna flip through one more time? I try not to make mistakes twice but…”

She sits down tentatively and buries her head in the paper as she flips through.

“It’s alright,” she says. Her expression is so serious it nearly makes me laugh. She had pretty hair—blunt cut bangs that I remember rocking in my early 20s, but on her they hide the expression in her eyebrows. Maybe that’s why she always looked so sullen. Her lips are painted a pretty mauve colour and it complimented her green eyes.

“I really um…your class is really interesting.”

Kids saying that was like injecting pure joy right into my veins.

“I’m so glad you’re enjoying it,” I smile at her. But it still doesn’t crack a smile on her end. “It’s dense material but that’s nice to hear.”

“Yeah, I didn’t know if I was gonna keep the class.” It’s subtle but she inches back in the seat. The more she talks the more she relaxes back. “But I heard it was worth taking. And people were right.”

“Are you in your first or second year?” I ask.

“First,” she tucks her hair behind her ear. It’s covered in piercings.

“How are you liking uni so far?”

She meets my eyes for a second before they shift away. “Yeah it’s nice? I’ve never lived away from home but I have some friends here that I’ve known since before so it helps. It’s really different, less structure but I like the freedom.”

Wow, she really spoke a lot more when she was comfortable. But I find it endearing.

“That’s really nice. It’s good to have a support system, especially with such big change.”

“Yeah,” she agrees. Her eyes dart around the desk as she goes silent. I wait for her to get up and go but a minute passes and the room starts to feel even smaller.

I could ask her if she needed anything else, or maybe continue the conversation? Did she want me to ask about her? No, that would be weird.

“So um, was that your sister in class last week?”

Okay, didn’t see that coming.

“It was! My baby sister, although she’s not really a baby. Did she tell your friend that?”

She nods again. “She was talking to her.”

“You have any siblings?”

“An older sister yeah.”

“So you get it,” I say. “You love them, they get under your skin, you’d do anything for them, and the cycle continues.”

For the first time she smiles and my breath catches. For a moment…no. No, I was imagining things.

“Yeah. My sister and I were close growing up, but she’s the one person that really knows how to get under my skin. I swear she does it on purpose sometimes.”

“Probably,” I want to say something funny again. I just want to see her smile.

Back off, my inner voice says. Don’t do this again.

Some years back, when I was still in the throes of alcohol, I had followed a girl at the mall for nearly an hour. She had looked so much like my sister but with brown curly hair. I could have sworn it was her—my daughter. But after an hour of drunk stalking she had met up with her mum, a direct clone of her.

I couldn’t be obsessive again. Nobody knew about that phase. Not even Harry.

“D’you have any kids?” She asks. I don’t expect the question and it throws me off what with the thoughts looping in my head. She watches me, waiting for an answer.

“Um,” I usually answered no. To anyone who had asked in the last 18 years. But for some reason I nod today. “Yeah. One.”

I imagine it, I must have. Her face draws in for a second before she looks down. “Does she ever come to your lectures?”

“Oh no,” I feel the prick of tears and try to blink them away without being too obvious. “I’m not sure she’d find them interesting.”

“Oh.” She finally stands. “Maybe when she’s older…but I’ll see you on Thursday I guess?”

“Yeah,” I watch her go and realize she’d forgotten something. “Don’t forget your paper hon!”

She stiffens by the door before coming to get it.

“Sorry, it probably makes me a bad prof but there were two female names on the paper. Which one’s yours?”

“Bridget,” her voice cracks.

“Bridget,” I try to match the name to her face. It fit. “That’s lovely.”

She scurries out and I hear someone say “well!?” Outside followed by a “shh!”

I shake my head and try to focus back on my work, my heart racing an unusual amount.

***

It takes a couple days but I confess to Harry. He’d decided to meet up with me after class on Wednesday to eat out. We didn’t go far from the uni, a pub a few roads down. I actually spotted a couple former students there and they’d waved at me warmly.

“You’re not crazy,” Harry holds my hand on the table. “A few years ago I realized the volunteer interns we took on from the nearby school? They were the same age as her, teens? And I used to check up on them all the time, make sure they were feeling comfortable, until one of the guys on the team told me to quit being so weird and find someone my own age. I don’t know if it came across that way but…I got lost in that.”

“Oh Harry,” I squeeze his hand. “I didn’t know that.”

“I’ve never told anyone.”

“Me too,” I pop another chip into my mouth. “But really I’d kind of pushed those memories out of my head until the other day. I can’t explain it, when she smiled it just felt like I knew her.”

“Yeah. Maybe she just looks like Taylor?”

We finish dinner while Harry tells me about a story about some friends of his I knew. We reminisce about our old friends as we wrap up and head out into the brisk November air.

We’re near the station when I gasp and clutch Harry’s arm. Standing outside one of the nearby pubs, smoking with her friends, was Bridget.

“Harry! That’s her!”

“What? Who?” He’s so oblivious as he whips his head around.

“Hushhh!” I nod towards the northwest side. His eyes scan the group. “Red beanie. We have to walk past just look at her okay? Tell me if you see it.”

Harry laughs to himself, “This feels like we’re in high school walking past a crush.”

“Is that how you walked past me?” I tease.

“I did.” He looks at me in that way that still gives me butterflies. It never got old.

“Stop making me want to jump your bones out here. I have a reputation to uphold!”

“Hey I’ll still have a job to support us,” he whispers as we near closer to the group. “Feel free to do whatever you feel.”

“You’re a bad influence.” I whisper back. By now we’re a few feet away and I sense Harry slow down beside me.

Bridget’s nodding to whatever her friend is saying. Philippe is waving his drink around as he responds. We almost pass by unnoticed when someone completely different calls my name.

“Hey professor! Can we buy you a drink?”

I turn and spot a group of students I taught last semester. They were all friends, always battling out their wits during group discussions. It made my class lively, even distracting at times. But I tried going with the flow of whatever group of students I got.

“Hey kids!” I say. Then I have no choice but to acknowledge Bridget and her friends. “And more kids! Is this the new spot to be at?”

I sounded so lame but shite! We weren’t supposed to get caught.

“It’s always been popular,” one of my old students says. “Can we pick your brain? Buy you a drink? We can buy one for your friend too.”

“I uh,” I glance at Harry but he’s frozen solid. I look to what he’s looking at and it’s Bridget. They’re locked in some silent conversation and her friends eye each other. “Harry?”

“Huh?” He focuses on me, flushed and just as confused as I had looked on Monday.

“We’ve gotta get him home,” I pat Harry’s arm. “Our alcohol metabolizes differently at our age.”

“You’re not that old,” Bridget says. She seems to be surprised she said it at all and her eyes widen. “I just mean you look younger than my parents.”

“We’ll take that as a compliment.” I smile up at Harry who still looks a little lost.

“Miss aren’t you going to introduce your male friend?” One of my old student goads.

“Don’t assume,” the other chides.

“Aren’t you a nosy lot after a few drinks.” I missed dishing it back in class with them.

“Oops!” They laugh.

“Anyway. This is Harry.”

“You can call me Mr. Professor,” Harry jokes and it’s a crowd pleaser. God they were drunk. Harry leans into me, “I can see why you like teaching. They’re an ego-booster.”

“Not in a 6pm lecture on a Thursday night.” I whisper back. He hides his laugh.

“Are you guys heading home?” Now it’s Philippe. I’m surprised he was getting involved in the conversation. He was usually the quiet nervous type.

“We are. Need a good night’s rest so I’m not falling asleep in your lecture tomorrow.”

“We wouldn’t mind,” Philippe goes for joker but his face flushes. It’s cute.

“Philippe you take way too many notes during class for me to believe that.”

His two friends, Bridget and the other girl, look at each other wide-eyed before losing it. And I watch Bridget’s face transform again and I get the same feeling. I look up at Harry and he’s transfixed.

I tug his sleeve and he looks at me, swallowing like he was parched.

“Weird right?”

“Yeah,” he whispers but his mouth turns down ever so slightly.

The girls are too busy cajoling Philippe to say goodbye to so we make our exit quietly. We don’t talk much on the train ride home but Harry simple holds his hand out on my thigh, palm up, and I lock my fingers into his. Even when we didn’t have words, we never stopped staying in touch.

***

It’s exam and holiday season before I know it.

I was actually looking forward to Christmas this year. It was the first that Harry was going to join with my family. Taylor’s bloke was also showing. He had been a hit with my parents and even I could admit he was the better of all the guys she’s every brought over.

It’s the last 30 minutes of the last exam I was facilitating this year. I announce the time left to the group. There were only about 15 kids left.

Bridget is one of them. I watch her tuck her hair behind her ear and bite her lip. She’d been pretty quiet the remainder of the semester, and I tried not to let my eyes wander to her too much.

After that night, bumping into her with Harry, we hadn’t spoken much about it. The hope that was initially so buoyant turned crushing as we faced the reality that the odds were slim to none. That our wishes were just pennies tossed in a fountain, sinking to the bottom of the pool.

Dreary winter days pass by and Harry and I try to keep the seasonal depression away with regular outdoor dates, cozy nights in bed, and seeing friends as often as we could.

On Christmas we go to my parents’. It’s a loud affair as my grandparents and a few cousins join us. After dinner I go up to my childhood bedroom, it’s now a guest room but some of my things still lay around. I open the window, it was cold so I drag a blanket out and sit outside. The street is quiet, I see families in a few open windows and I watch the festivities through them. I feel a mix of nostalgia and an ache that goes even beyond that, like I was missing something.

“Y/n?” Of course Harry would find me even though I’d left the door closed and the window tilted.

“Here,” I say.

“Ah,” he struggles to hoist himself out. “Some things never change.”

“You need help?” I watch him climb on all fours.

“I’m steady,” he grins as he crawls to me. I open the blanket and he gets in.

We sit in silence for a bit.

“It was getting really loud downstairs wasn’t it?” I ask.

“I think your grandma’s in love with Taylor’s guy.” Harry says so bluntly that I burst out laughing. He joins in.

“I feel like old people get to flirt with whoever they want because it’s always harmless.”

“Maybe that’s the case with older women,” Harry grimaces. “Can’t say the same thing about old men now can we?”

“Jesus!” I laugh and then laugh even harder when Harry says: “it is his day.”

By the time I wipe my tears Harry’s gazing down at me.

“Sorry,” I lean my head against his shoulder. “You have to stop being so funny.”

“Nah,” he kisses my head. “Have I never told you how much I like your laugh?”

He had. On a night many years ago on a roof like this.

I go to remind him but he’s pulling away. I watch as he shifts to face my slowly. He pulls something out from behind him and my brain only connects the dots as he starts talking.

“Y/N, this is something I wish I could have done 18 years ago but only feels incredibly right to do now. Especially out here.”

“Harry,” I gasp. When did he get the ring? When had he planned this?

“We somehow found our way back to each other again y/n, and you know I love you more than ever before.” He clears his throat as it clouds with emotion. “Some 18 years ago I told you I knew you, because the first time I ever laid eyes on you my heart knew. You were something special. And I never ever want to spend another moment apart again. So Y/N Y/L/N, will you do me the honour and finally be mine? Will you marry me?”

“Yes!” If I wasn’t sitting on a roof I would launch myself at Harry. I settle for pulling his face down to mine and kissing it. “I’ve always been yours Harry. But yes, of course yes!”

He slides the ring on and it fits perfectly.

It was perfect.

When we go back down my mum knows right away, and if it was loud before it’s absolute chaos as everyone descends on me and demands to know how he proposed and how the ring looks.

“On the roof? When there’s a perfectly pretty tree here?” My grandma asks. Harry and I exchange a look then, trying not to laugh all over again.

We ring in the New Year with friends, as fiancés. I can hardly believe it. Apparently most of our friends knew Harry was going to propose and they all toast to us and our happiness.

Somewhere in mid-January, I drop by my parents’ house to drop off some groceries. That’s when my dad hands me a letter that had been mailed home.

“It came for you, I dunno who thinks you still live here but it looks handwritten.”

I take it from my dad as I say one last goodbye. I barely make it to the tube with wobbly legs. Because somewhere inside I know.

It’s a long and agonizing 2 hours that I wait for Harry to come home. He finds me sitting in the dark; the sun had set while I waited, and I’d been too busy staring at the feminine scrawl on the front of the letter to turn on the lights.

“Hello-y/n, what are you doing in the dark?”

Harry drops his things where they are when I look at him. “Y/n are you alright? Say something.”

I open my mouth but nothing comes out. I just push the letter forward.

He walks towards it. It’s like he hits a brick wall when he puts the pieces together, he halts a foot away.

“What is that?”

“Is was…” I try to swallow so my voice doesn’t sound so hoarse. “My dad gave it to me. It was sent to the house.”

“Is it…”

“I was waiting for you.”

Suddenly he’s in motion. He puffs his cheeks out and lets out a noisy sigh. Then he paces the floor one, two, three, four times before standing in front of the couch.

“We should read it.” I say.

“Yeah,” he deflates into the couch. I want to join him but it feels like my arse has been glued to the chair.

I inch it towards me and Harry nods. He wanted me to read it.

My mouth is parched. I can barely make out any sounds as I open it up. It’s three pages folded in two, the paper itself isn’t anything very special, it’s typed up so it’s literally just ink on paper. And yet it’s worth a whole goldmine.

“Y/n and Harry,” I read before my voice breaks and I bury my face in my hands. Our baby girl had written to us. She had reached out.

“C’mon love,” Harry’s suddenly beside me and his hand squeezes my neck. The touch gives me enough strength to stand with him. He sets me down where he just sat and leaves again, returning with water and the letter.

“Can you read it?” I ask.

He settles in beside me, we touch along every edge of us. The letter sits in between us like our love, our hurting—it’s where it belongs. He begins to read in his soothing voice.

“Y/n and Harry,

I hope it’s okay I’m calling you that. I don’t know if it’s proper but ever since I found out about you two last year that’s what I’ve been calling you.”

Harry lets out a shaky breath and I intertwine my arm through his. He kisses my temple and continues.

“When I turned 15, I asked my mum about you. I started to wonder where I came from. I knew I was adopted for as long as I could remember but it didn’t mean much to me for a long time—I had a mother, a father, and a sister. I had a family so why did I need to know where I came from?

But over the last few years it’s been like an itch I couldn’t get to. See when I was 15, what set it off is that my sister decided to look into her birth parents. They were separated, her father lived in Tokyo and her mother lived in Wales. It took her a year to convince our parents to go to Wales. I went with and I found myself in the home of a woman who looked just like the girl I grew up with. The whole time it ate away at me. I wanted this ending too.

I asked my mum and dad when I turned 15 but they were weird and evasive. I turned my skills to the internet but I didn’t really know where to start.

I felt the missing part more and more as I turned 16. I used to fall asleep thinking about you two, if you were alive, what you looked like, where you were, what you did.

I love my parents. They’re wonderful and amazing, they are supportive and never made us feel like we were anything but theirs. But I wanted to know my background.

On my 17th birthday my parents gave me a letter like the one I write today.” Harry stops reading and takes in a deep shuddering breath. “She got the letter.”

His shoulder shake and he pinches the bridge of his nose. I clench my teeth so I wouldn’t cry too. I wanted to finish this letter. I wrap my arms around him and hold him.

This was unbelievable, what we’d dreamed of. Her words, in our hands.

“Here.” I take the letter from him and continue. “Let me read it.”

Harry stays hunched over, so with my hand on his back I continue, “in it you told me how much you loved me. How much you loved each other, your families, where I came from. And Why you had to give me up. For a better life. I saw the picture of you, and I felt broken and complete at the same time. I realized I was the same age as you in the photo, I had to meet you but I was terrified. And I didn’t know how.

I spent a year agonizing and looking through every google page I could find about you. I learned a lot! But I needed to meet you.

I don’t know how to do this. I’ve made decisions that may not have been the best but I’ve left my number and a picture of me when I was 5 in the envelope.

I hope you call.”

With shaking hands I turn to the third page that has one of those polaroids taped to it and a phone number in the same handwriting as the envelope.

“She’s beautiful,” Harry says while tears continue streaming down his face. I can’t even hide mine anymore.

She was beautiful indeed. She had his eyes, and her curly locks in a deep brown frame her chubby face. She had my nose, she looked a little like my sister as a baby. A scatter of freckles over her cheeks confirm it. She was ours. Our baby had reached out. We knew what she looked like.

“We need to call her,” I say. “We need to meet.”

“Yeah,” Harry wipes his face. “We…we need to do this carefully. It’s delicate right?”

I wanted to call her right now but what would I do but cry into the phone? No, I had to wrap my head around this. Harry was right. “Right.”

“She’s out there,” Harry turns to me. “She wants to know us. Y/n she wants to meet us! She saw the picture I-“

“I can’t believe it,” I whisper. “Our daughter wants to—did she leave her name?”

We open the letter and flip over every piece of it but her name is nowhere.

“Maybe she didn’t want us looking her up?” Harry offers.

“Maybe she has an awful digital footprint.”

Something about it makes us laugh and we can’t stop. But pretty soon it shifts back into tears and we’re left holding each other on the couch, tender and content and anxious.

Our daughter had made contact. Would she like us? Would she be mad at us? What did this mean for us?

The thoughts continue to spiral the rest of the evening. We don’t make much of an effort, we reread the letter and try to get dinner in us. We face each other as we try to fall asleep, whispering questions into the darkness. The darkness doesn’t answer, it grows heavier as does the night, and we fall asleep for the first time in our lives knowing the weight of a decision so long ago was a tiny bit lighter.

***

It’s a few days later. All I’d been thinking about was the letter, when I woke up, at work, during my commute, during breaks, when I went to bed.

It sits on our dining table, we glance at it as we pass by. It becomes part of the decor, three pieces of paper and an envelope. It’s so much weightier than that.

I come home from my lecture on Wednesday, a slight buzz of anxiety humming in the background. It wasn’t unusual for Harry and I to get busy at work and not talk the whole day but today Harry had been radio silent. He hadn’t answered my texts or phone calls in a very un-Harry way.

I walk in to Harry sitting on the couch in the dark, staring at the coffee table. On it sits the letter.

“Hey,” I don’t even take off my jacket. I slide next to him. “Is everything alright?”

“Hey,” he whispers. He stays frozen sitting forward, elbows on his knees, head cradled in his hand.

I wait for him to speak, to say something about what was going on. I rub my hand over his back and he glances up. I tip forward until our foreheads touch. “What’s going on in that brain of yours? Let me help you.”

“It’s a lot,” he whispers. It tears me in two.

“Hey,” I remind him. “Just one day at a time. Let’s just talk about today.”

“I want to call her so bad,” he leans away and buries his head in his hands. I wanted to call her too, I’d been waiting for Harry to give the cue since I knew I could be rash and impulsive about something like this. But something was going on with him.

“We will.”

“We gave her up. What if she hates us?”

“She wouldn’t have written us that beautiful letter, or sent a photo, or left her number if she did.”

Harry sniffles and then asks what he really wanted to, “what if she hates me.”

“Harry look at me,” He unfolds slowly and I make sure he’s looking at me. “You’re her father, you’ve carried her with you for the last 18 years. You love her. She wants to know you. Why would she hate you?”

“I’ve fucked up so much!”

“You’re not your mistakes.” I remind him. I get teary eyed as I feel the echoes of his insecurities. I’ve thought about it too: what if I didn’t meet her expectations? “She’s not going to see you and see every good and bad decisions you’ve ever made. She’s just going to see her father—her biological father, and see where she got her eyes from and her hair from and every other quirk she has.”

“You’re not worried?” He asks, looking at me with grief.

“Of course I am,” I confess, tears leaking out of my eyes damnit. “I’m so fucking worried. But my curiosity overtakes that, my love for her is what I’m focusing on.”

“I love her,” he says.

“That’s all that matters.” I cup his face and press a reassuring kiss to his lips. “That’s all she’ll care about.”

Harry untangles himself from me and my heart sinks. He paces the length of our living room a few times, running his hand through his hair.

“We really should talk about the letter,” he says.

“Yeah. I know. I want to call. Badly.”

He pauses. It’s like all the anxious energy drains out of him at once. He sits back down beside me.

“What do we do?” I ask

“How about Saturday? She’s probably going to be home then right? No school—if she’s in school.”

Two days. Two more days of agonizing over the letter.

At this point the letter is memorized, seared into my brain like I had an exam on it. I want to know the person behind it.

When we wake on Saturday it’s a cloudy day. I don’t take it as a bad omen.

We sit with our phones out after breakfast, just staring at everything before us.

“You should do the talking,” I tell Harry. “I’m too nervous.”

“I think you should.” Harry says. “She sent the letter to you.”

“Only because that’s the address my mum gave…gave her mum.”

It hits me again in another wave I try not to drown in. She was eighteen, she’d lived a whole life with a whole family. There was everything of her we’d missed out on.

“Please Harry?” I was already overwhelmed with the realization. I just couldn’t.

He watches me, must hear the desperation in my voice, and slowly pulls his phone forward.

It rings, and rings a few more times. When it goes to voicemail he turns it off.

“I didn’t think that was an option,” Harry says and we laugh. It feels good.

“It’s only 10 maybe she’s asleep. Try one more time?”

He pulls my phone and tries again but it still goes to voicemail.

We sit there, unsure of what to do. We agree to try again later, in the afternoon.

But around half past 12, while Harry’s working in our spare room and I’m scrolling through my phone, it rings. I don’t think much of it and pick it up automatically.

“Hello?” It’s silent on the other end. “Hello?”

I wait, but as I do it dawns on me. Who called me?

I check my phone screen and swipe through as I say hello again. I match the number. It was her.

I run to Harry but the phone is still silent. I wave the paper with the number saying hello again.

“Is this…well you never gave us your name. But we got your letter. We’re so gl-“

The line goes dead and so does my heart.

“You called her again?” Harry whispers, his brows furrowing as he stares at the phone.

“She called.” I think about calling her back but that was pushy. She was backing out of this.

All of a sudden I feel myself giving out. I catch myself against the wall and slide down.

“She’s backing out. It must be…too much for her.”

Harry stares at a spot on the ground, a million thoughts flickering through. Finally it settles on acceptance. He sighs.

“We can’t force her to talk to us,” he says softly what I already know. But his words are like a saw to my resolve and I just start crying. He gathers me in his arms but the grief feels endless. It felt like she was slipping away again; I’d lost so much and I lost her again. She had been so close. How could she do this? Why did she reach out if she wasn’t ready?

Questions without answers. More of them piled on top of the lifetime of questions I’d built for her.

I know Harry feels the weight of them too. We carry them together. That’s the only reason I hadn’t broken yet.

But I come close to it that day. We don’t hear back from her. And we don’t try to call her back. It didn’t feel right.

It killed me she was so close. And something changes inside.

For weeks I feel like I’m on autopilot. It’s like my first semester of uni all over again.

Harry tries his best to keep me together but he struggles too. It makes me feel worse I was taking the bigger hit, not being there for him as much as I wanted. But life feels like a a million blankets covering me.

I try to keep my usual momentum for my classes, but I’m always exhausted after. It pulls me deeper into my sadness, something I loved made me so tried.

It’s a Thursday at the end of the semester and I’m marking exams during my study hours when there’s a light knock on the door.

I’m surprised to see an old student.

“Bridget,” I wave her in. “Come in, what can I do you for?”

“Hi professor-“

“Call me y/n, I’m not teaching you anymore am I?”

“No,” she says with a stiff smile. The last time I saw her was in February, I’d spotted her with Philippe and a few other friends at a local coffee shop. She had been explaining something to one of her friends from a textbook.

Now her hair was short and more pronounced with waves. I wonder if she styled it, her longer hair had been pin straight.

“I had a question?”

You already asked it, I want to joke. But she was usually wound up so I knew it wouldn’t land well.

“What’s that?”

“Um, well.” She perches on the chair and I wait patiently for her to continue. “Are you taking any applications for TA next year?”

I wasn’t expecting that. She always found a way to take me by surprise. I stare at her for a few seconds, trying to remember what year she was in.

“Aren’t you in first year? If I do TAs they’re usually 3rd or above.”

“I know,” she tucks her hair behind her ear. “But seeing that one of my majors is in econ and my gpa is really high, and I did well in your class, I wondered if you would consider me?”

I hadn’t done TAs since my first year of teaching. I found I liked the work because it got me more familiar with the class.

“What’s your other major?” She had said one of them was econ.

“Sociology, I’m pre-law.”

Ambitious. “Why TA for my class?”

She balks as she meets my gaze. There’s something that flits through her face that I can’t quite read before she drops eye contact.

“Um, I really enjoyed it. I did really well. I think you’re super smart and would learn a lot by TA-ing for you.”

“I don’t give special lessons to my TA,” I let her know. “You’d typically attend some of the classes, mark assignments, and maybe teach exam tutorials, and have office hours of your own for students.”

“I’m okay with that.”

“Why should I pick you?”

She pushes her shoulders back, “I’m responsible, dependable, I submit all my assignments on time and have experience teaching.”

“Teaching?”

“I used to tutor when I was in high school. I didn’t really get an allowance so I found a way to support my hobbies.”

“What are your hobbies?”

She blushes a little, was she still nervous? “I love reading, books are expensive.”

I nod. For Harry’s birthday I’d told him he could get any books from Waterstones and it had been over £100 for 3 only.

“I also enjoy cooking. And um, it’s been a while but my friends and I sometimes go to like. Do you know comic con?”

“Yes,” I’d seen things online.

“Yeah we liked to dress up for that sort of thing. We used to make our own outfits and usually the cost varies depending on what you’re making and how realistic you want it and…” she trails off as I smile. She was really enthusiastic about it. I couldn’t help it.

“Tell you what. Leave your number with me and I’ll think about it. I haven’t had a TA for the last few semesters but I am going to take this into consideration.”

“Really?!”

I laugh. “Yes. Really.”

“Um…” she starts to fidget again. “Can I leave my email? I’m getting a new phone soon so I-“

“Sure. Anywhere I can reach you.”

I expect her to get out a pen but she says it verbally and I type it out.

“Um, are you alright?” She asks out of the blue after I type in the last letter.

“Alright?” I raise my brow.

“I mean, you seem…I just heard, um.” She tries to backtrack but I ask her again and she spills. “Some people just said your last few classes seem scattered. Not that people don’t like you. I just…that’s what they were saying. And I don’t know if having a TA would help? And I just wanted to ask if you’re okay sorry I shouldn’t…it’s none of my business.”

God, this girl was so awkward. But she was sweet for caring, I think. “You’re not applying for the role because you feel bad that I seem…scattered right?”

She blushes. “Sorry. I think I said too much.”

I want to laugh but it strikes me that my students had noticed. I’d let it affect their learning. It didn’t feel very good.

“Life’s hitting me hard recently,” I tell her simply. “But I’m alright. Thank you for reaching out Bridget.”

As I finish up the semester I think about her. It wouldn’t hurt to have her TA for one of my lectures, see how she does. I didn’t care for TAs as a lecturer but something about her is compelling and I find myself emailing her in the middle of the night in June. She responds back a few minutes later,

Thank you!!! You’re the best. I’ll do whatever you need just tell me I can do anythingggh

Sent from iphone.

I laugh to myself as I put my phone away and go back to bed. My guesses were she was drunk at a party.

Harry’s asleep beside me and I reach out to touch his back but think better of it. He’d been busy at work with a project nearing its deadline and I didn’t want to accidentally wake him.

I turn around and try to drift off, thinking about my daughter, about how Harry and I hadn’t really talked much in the last two weeks, about my teaching, and my new TA.

Age 38:

It’s a depressing summer. The air of dashed hopes still hangs around Harry and I. It’s less thunder clouds and more of a fog.

One weekend morning, it’s one of those mornings that start off heavy. I can’t get out of bed, but I hear Harry pattering about doing his weekend morning thing. I hear the dishwasher turn on, and soon after he walks in with our laundry folded in a basket. I feel awful as I normally do, but not awful enough to get up and do anything about it. I think I’d have to feel less awful, to do that.

I don’t expect him to get in beside me once he’s finished putting everything away. He smells like laundry and shampoo, I must smell like rot and decay.

“Y/n,” he says gingerly. I just look at him in response. I felt too heavy to even reply. He sits up and calls my name again.

“Mm,” I say.

He sighs. Despite months of this Harry’s been nothing but understanding but this morning seems different.

Suddenly I’m being pulled up by my shoulders and I find myself sitting up in bed.

“Y/N,” Harry says again. I fold my arms as the duvet slips down and the cool air raises goosebumps. “I love you, which is why it’s so hard seeing you like this. You have to get on, my love. We have to move forward. It’s been months.”

All I could remember after our daughter hung the phone up on us was when I almost got to hold her. Right after she was born, I almost got to hold her but they took her away. And that piece of me that followed after her was nearly returned. It was that almost that was a death blow.

“It’s hard,” I feel myself tear up. It was hard not to these days.

“I know baby,” Harry scoops me into him. “I know. It’s hard for me too but we have to get better. We have to live our lives. She’ll come back to us, I just know it. She’s scared, we’re hopeful. Fear’s gonna keep her away. Hope keeps us patient.”

I cry into his shirt and he rocks me.

“I’m sorry,” I say into his shirt.

“It’s alright,” he grips the back of my neck.

So for Harry, for us, I try to get back to myself. I start to pick up my outdoor hobbies, I try to keep conversations going with Harry, I reintroduce my multi-step night routine. I look forward and re-light the candle of hope, even though I ache to blow it out before it can burn down to its wick.

My wounds inside stay tender.

We had booked our wedding for November and as the days approach we find ourselves with one thing on our mind.

Harry and I finally talk about it.

“I always thought she’d be there at the wedding once she reached out.”

We’re sat in an outdoor space near King’s Cross, coffees in hand as we people watch. We’d just come back from a cake tasting and neither of us felt like going home with such a glorious August day. Kids splash in the water sprinklers and couples sit around arm in arm. I touch shoulders with Harry unconsciously.

“Me too. I think that’s what’s kept me from mentally committing to the fact that the date is coming closer.”

“It can’t be forever,” Harry says. “She reached out. She just needs time. She’ll call again one day and we’ll meet her.”

“I know.” I lean my head on his shoulder. This was a realization I’d also been slowly digesting. I’d waited 18 years, what was a few more months, another year? Her baby picture lived on our fridge, at least we were one step closer.

And the love, I had to remind myself in these moments. Hold onto the love.

***

“I can’t stay for this class,” Bridget tells me. It’s the second week of classes and there were still 10 minutes until it officially started.

“Is everything alright?”

“Not really,” that’s when I notice her nose is red and her eyes are too. “My um, my parents had to put my dog down. She…she wasn’t feeling well yesterday and the-they found cancer? And she was in a lot of pain but she never showed it? And-“

I put my hand on Briget’s shoulder and lead her to the exit. There was no reason for the whole class to see this.

“Sorry. I’m-“

“Don’t apologize.” I rub her shoulder. “I understand. Take the time you need I have this covered.”

True to her word, Bridget had been a loyal TA over the summer. I considered it a trial run not expecting much but she had shown up, aced marking, and I’d gotten good feedback from the students at the end of the semester.

I’d also taken to her. She’d join me during my 2 hours every Monday and when no students would come she would loosen up. She’d told me all about the dog she grew up with, she showed me costumes her friends and her made, I’d asked her about the books she was reading and the classes she was taking. It was like having a younger sister again, except I was mature enough to appreciate her.

“I didn’t even get to say goodbye,” Bridget says and this statements seems to be the breaking point. She curls in on herself, shoulders shaking. I don’t even think, I just pull her into me like I would for Harry, for Taylor, for any of my friends.

“You have a lifetime of memories with her,” I hold her. At first she stiffens up and I almost let her go but she only breaks down further and wraps her arms around me. Tighter than I expected.

“I wish I said goodbye,” she says into my shoulder.

“I know hon,” I squeeze her against me, something maternal washing over me. “I know.”

After a minute or so she regains her composure, wiping her face with her sleeve. When she looks at me she looks so much younger, her face grief-stricken and regretful.

“I’m sorry-“

“Don’t be.”

She seems to want to say something more but whatever it is, she swallows it and takes a step away.

I don’t see her for two weeks and I miss her.

When she walks into the lecture the first week of October I try not to rush her but I’m overjoyed seeing her face. It had become so familiar to me.

She smiles shyly when she walks up to me and I pull her into a hug. This time she doesn’t stiffen.

“How are you?” I whisper. Students were still trickling in so I use the time to catch up.

“Okay. Better than that day I cried all over you sorry again. I went home last week, thanks for letting me take it off.”

“Of course. You forget I’ve been doing this without a TA before you. I can hold down the fort.”

She cracks a smile, her dimple making a rare appearance.

“By the way, week 10’s lecture is supposed to be cancelled.” I tell her later during office hours. “But I wondered if you wanted to hold a tutorial that week for some of the material?”

“Really?” A light comes on in her eye. It’s fiery and bright with excitement.

“Yeah! You know the material! I’ll leave you with slides and you can go about teaching them.”

“I’d love to!” She grips her laptop close to her. “Wait why is it cancelled?”

“I’m getting married that week!”

The light dims. Or maybe I imagine it.

“Oh! I thought you were married already?”

“No,” I’d referred to Harry as my partner any time he was brought up. “We’re getting married in November. You’ve met him actually, kind of, that night we ran into you and some students at the pub. Last year?”

“Oh yeah I remember,” she says but her eyes are somewhere else. “So you’re getting married?”

“Yes Bridget,” I laugh. “Married. Tying the knot. You alright?”

“Yeah,” she blinks and she’s back. “You never mentioned the wedding. Do you have a dress?”

“Yeah! Just finalized the tailoring last week. Most things are ready, we’re just finalizing the rings!”

“Cool!” She fidgets with the hem of her shirt. “Is it in London?”

“Yeah, it’s not too big but we didn’t want people travelling too far. This is where Harry and I were born and raised so this is where we want to marry too.”

“Wow,” she seems lost in thought and she stays pretty quiet the rest of the time. I didn’t realize my news was that surprising.

Maybe I still didn’t have Bridget completely figured out.

***

“Harry I can’t pick them up! I need to get home and then head back out to class!”

“Y/n it’s on your way home!”

“Not really! It’s a 30 minute detour. Why can’t you do it?”

“Because you can still get to him right before he closes. I won’t be done here until after he closes. I’m sorry love!”

“Agh and why can’t he do tomorrow?”

“He’s off until Saturday! We need it today.”

It’s the Wednesday before we marry and our rings are still at the jeweller’s. He’d finished them last weekend but we’d been so busy with other things we hadn’t had time to pick it up. And now it was either today and be late for class, or the day of the wedding.

I had gotten delayed at work and missed Harry’s texts explaining the situation. I’d only responded while on the tube, but going out of my way for 30 minutes meant I’d be 30 minutes late to get back to class. And since I’d left marked assignments at home that the kids needed for next week’s tutorial, I had no choice but to head back.

The idea hits me at once.

I hang up on Harry and ring Bridget. She picks up right away.

“Bridget, I’m on a crazy tight schedule. I’m going to be late to class by half hour at least.”

“Oh no. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah it’s just wedding thing but can you do something crazy? And feel free to say no okay?”

“Okay?”

I explain to her that if she rode to my flat, Harry would be there by then and she could pick up marked assignment. She can delay class by taking them up.

She’s silent but eventually I get a yes. “Okay. Can you text me your address?”

“Yes! Yes. Thank you Bridget. I owe you your trip fare and lunch or something. I’ll text you now, leave as soon as you can!”

I call Harry again and confirm he’d be home by the time she arrived. Everything works out.

I get the rings, and have to head home so Harry can try his on. The jeweller was expecting both of us, and let me know he couldn’t do adjustments if I didn’t text him by today. Just my luck!

When I get to the flat I tell Harry not to read his inscription but to try it on and thankfully it fits.

“Hey,” Harry calls out as I try to rush back out the door.

“What?” I was out of breath and frantic.

“Slow down,” he pulls me into a lingering kiss and despite being breathless before, I get some air into my lungs when we part.

“Sorry, so hectic.”

“I know I’m sorry,” he strokes my cheek. “I would have gone if I could make it. Also don’t be mad.”

“Be mad?” I let go of the door handle. “What did you do?”

“Your TA stopped by, Bridget. I forgot she was coming so I didn’t have your papers ready. I invited her in and she was in the living room looking at our pictures and she stopped in front of the baby picture. Of our daughter.”

“Okay,” did Harry tell her our history? I get antsy. “And?”

“Well she asked if that was our daughter. And I didn’t know what to say, if you’ve said anything to her? I panicked?” Harry runs his hand through his hair. “I just changed the subject.”

“Okay, that’s not bad. What’s the bad part I don’t get it?”

“Well. I changed the subject and told her she should come to the wedding.”

My jaw drops. “Harry.”

“I know! I know I’m sorry! I know she technically works for you, she was a student, all that! You’re so fond of her though maybe it’s not a bad thing?”

“Harry that’s…she was my student! I’m a prof at that school I…is that even allowed?”

“Yes? I panicked and googled it.”

I groan, “I swear you’re getting worse the closer we get to the wedding.”

The other week he had tried to buy out a whole bakery in case there wasn’t enough cake for our guests.

“You can tell her we have a full guest list? I don’t know what came over me! She just looked at me with those puppy eyes and she asked about the picture and I tried to talk about something else but the only thing on my mind-“

I kiss him. Just to shut him up. I was getting really late.

“This is like that book club you were tricked into joining all over again-“

“Hey I really like that book club now! It might be a good thing!”

“We’ll talk later.” I shake my head at him. “It’s fine, it’s not a big deal. It’s weird but what’s one more guest?”

“I also said plus one.”

I let out a long exhale and then kiss Harry again. I didn’t want him spiralling while I was gone.

“Baby don’t worry, it’s okay. I’m fine with it. We’ll talk when I get home?”

I mull over it on the ride to uni. But I can’t find a way to uninvite her without it being awful. I text our wedding planner if we could squeeze in two more seats and she gives me the thumbs up.

I did have a soft spot for Bridget, and technically I’ve known her for over a year now.

During office hours, we get a few people in for the first half hour. Then we’re back to just the two of us.

“Thanks for taking over today,” I tell her. “I really appreciate it.”

“That’s alright. Happy to help out.”

An awkward silence slithers in.

“So my partner invited you to our wedding.”

“Yeah! I didn’t know if that was serious am I…?”

She looked so hopeful I couldn’t shoot her down. “Yes! I have a couple people from the faculty coming. And some colleagues from my day job. You’ll probably have to sit with them but?”

“That’s fine!” She’s chirpy Bridget again. “I’d love to. That would mean a lot.”

I watch her as the smile stays on and she gets out her phone, typing away. Maybe her friends, her plus one.

I realize I’m not entirely against it. It had happened, and I was okay.

***

I stare at myself in the mirror, smoothing down my dress in a nervous habit. I never thought I’d get married twice, I always thought after Tatum I was done with marriage, but Harry would always be the exception.

I feel a flutter of nerves thinking about him. Walking down the aisle to him. We started talking on a rooftop one day, we had just been two kids.

“You better not cry,” Taylor threatens as she walks into the room. She had gone to fetch lash glue after my teary eyes loosened an edge.

“I’m not,” I say weakly.

She stands beside me in the mirror, “They’re all waiting downstairs.”

Just 30 minutes ago this room had been a chaotic mess. From my mum, to my friends, to the wedding planner. I’m kind of glad my lash came loose, I’m able to ground myself in these few minutes of silence.

Taylor talks about our family downstairs as she fixes my face. I get up with her help and she beams, but her eyes look misty.

“What is it?” I ask.

“Nothing!”

“Why do you look sad what happened?”

“Oh my god calm down, I just can’t believe you and Harry are getting your happy ending! I’m just…emotional.”

“Aww,” I cup her face even though I want to squeeze my baby sister against me. But my white dress, although not entirely traditional, would be ruined for the ceremony.

A ping on her phone—mum. We rush out. It feels like getting caught when we were younger and quickly getting away from the scene of the crime. I grip my sister’s hand until I stand in front of the doors leading down the aisle.

I don’t remember walking, it felt more like floating. Even if there was a chimpanzee and a talking dog in the pews I wouldn’t have noticed. My eyes are locked on Harry’s teary ones, they anchor me as I glide towards the man I’ve never stopped loving. Who always saw all of me.

When he reaches for my hand I grasp it and I know I made the right decisions. Even the painful ones. After all, I wanted to be nowhere but here.

“Y/N,” Harry reads his vows to me and I try not to cry as he sweeps me away with his delicate words about our love story.

“To be so deeply known by another, without even saying a word, shouldn’t make sense and yet with us we have a language that goes beyond words. A brush of your hand or a look in my direction, it can be enough to unload whatever burden I’d just been carrying. I promise to do the same for you, and to never end this dialogue between us. To love you and to cherish you forever.”

Harry couldn’t keep the tears in and they slide down his cheeks as he reads his words out to me. I reach out instinctively and brush his tear away and he laughs because I was doing it again.

“You’re can’t make me cry in my makeup,” I tell him and our guests laugh.

I had sat and thought so hard about my own vows. In the end after 50 versions, I’d settled on short and sweet.

“Harry, when we first spoke on the rooftop of that party in high school,” I say at my turn. “You told me everything you wanted. One of them was to make the world a better place. And I don’t know if you still want those things as much now as you did then, but one thing is true. You’re made my world a better place. I can’t imagine doing life without you. I love you with all of my heart, there’s no equation that could calculate how much.”

Harry grins at me and my breath catches. My man, he was my Harry.

We finish our vows with a kiss and a lot of noise from the crowd. When we turn to everyone I’m struck by how lucky we were.

The absence of our daughter was tough but when it came to love we had an abundance of it. I see it in every smiling and shiny face in the crowd. It’s like photographing a sunny day with one of those old school films, the sun is covered by a dark spot but the rays still wash everything in gold.

Harry squeezes my hand and I look up to him. He’s already looking at me.

He holds his hand up and lets out a whoop before he pulls my face towards him again for an even longer and borderline inappropriate kiss. I feel myself start to blush in front of the crowd.

We start down the aisle and this time I beam at every guest I catch eyes with.

My mum and Harry’s wave with tear-streaked faces. My friends from high school shout out, always the biggest supporters of our relationship. I catch eyes with Bridget, forgetting for a second she was here. Philippe is beside her, but what’s surprising is her blotchy face. I didn’t take her for someone who got emotional at weddings. I throw her a wave and she smiles through the tears.

Whoever ordered weddings to have a small break between the ceremony and the reception deserved a billion dollars. Harry and I spend the quiet moment doing our outfit change but afterwards we hold each other and let the moment sink in. The day sink in.

“We’re married,” Harry whispers when I tell him we should get going so we weren’t late.

“We took the long way to get here didn’t we?”

“Yeah,” he tucks me under his chin again and even though we would be late we just sway together for a little while. Our own private first dance, before the one for our family and friends.

“We did it all quite backwards actually.” I look up to him.

“Yeah, but we were never ordinary.”

“No, and I don’t think anything we’ve ever done is either.”

“Including our kid. I really wish she were here.”

“We’ll tell her all about it one day,” I promise him. His face eases into a loving smile, the fact that we’d made it to a place again where I can comfort him about this said a lot. Said we’d make it through everything, despite.

“I don’t want to do life with anyone else y/n, I have everything I need right here.”

“Remember that day at Whole Foods?” I remind him. “The first time we bumped into each other.”

“It’s a core memory,” Harry remembers. “I feel like the sun never set on that day. Getting to see you after all those years…it’s cheesy but it felt like coming home.”

“Yeah,” I nod. “Me too. I recognized you by the back of your head did I ever tell you that?”

“Stared at it enough in maths, of course you did.”

“That’s probably why I did so poorly that year remember,” I laugh. “Just staring at the back of your head.”

“That’s why I never sat anywhere but in front of you.” He swipes lightly down my nose and I smile. “Now I get to see every angle of you whenever I want.”

“Oi,” I slap his chest. “Save it for tonight.”

He brushes my cheek. Under his gaze I’m stripped naked. There was nothing to hide with him, ever.

“I understand how long it took you to get ready,” he says in his deep silky voice. My stomach flips. “So I can’t do anything right now. But y/n, our wedding night will turn into a wedding dawn, and then to day again. I promise you.”

I tip-toe, even in my heels, and brush my lips along his cheek. In his ear I whisper, “I don’t expect anything less.”

I step away, feeling unravelled by the look of desire in his eyes. I’m sure I had the same look of want. But before we can give in to what we wanted to do, I open the door to our suite and embrace the gust of cool air.

“You should get some air too,” I say and he laughs, following me behind.

***

“Bitch!” Taylor comes up to me on the dance floor later that night. We had dinner, Harry and I had our first dance, there’d been toasts and tears in between. I was finally letting loose as the wedding party crowds the dance floor. We had been taking pictures all night, after this next glass of champagne I was going to call it quits on photos lest anyone captures anything that’s not an elegant bride.

“What?” I turn away from Harry to face Taylor. She’d been running around all day making sure my wedding day was perfect and seeing her just warms me with love. I squeeze her against me despite her protests. “I love you Taylor. Thank you for everything!”

“Ugh c’mon,” she wriggles out. She’d never been very affectionate.

“Where’s your bloke?” I look out for him.

“He taking a call. Anyway don’t change the fucking subject!”

“What subject!?” I ask as someone dances past me, fluttering their fingers in my direction. I blow them a kiss.

“C’mere,” she’s annoyed I’m distracted. She drags me off to the side and I hold a finger up to Harry as he watches us. “When the fuck were you going to tell us about her? And you invite her to your wedding and everything and nobody knows anything!?”

“What?” I was drunker than I thought or Taylor was making no sense. “Wha?”

“The girl you just took a photo with? Don’t act stupid Y/N jeez I can’t believe it. You hid it from me when it happened but why are you still hiding…”

My sister grows more upset as she talks, I realize it was serious. Taylor rarely allowed herself to get this worked up in public.

I put my hand on her shoulder but she shakes it off. I think hard about who she was talking about. Who had I just taken photos with?

Some of Harry’s friends took a picture lifting us up, then there was a photo with my cousin but that can’t be who Taylor was talking about. There was Andie, a few other friends and their partners, then Bridget and Bridget and Philippe.

Bridget.

“Wait what are…who do you think that is? Taylor I work-“

“Your daughter! Why are you still acting fucking clueless!”

“What’s happening?” Harry walks in mid-way into the conversation.

“God you too!” Taylor turns to him and hits the back of her hand on his chest. He rubs the spot and stares at her like she’d gone crazy.

“Me too what?”

“Harry?” His mum walks up to us, her brows pulled together the same way Harry’s does when he’s confused.

“Yeah?”

“Who’s that girl? With the brown hair? Purple dress?”

She’s eyeing Bridget who’s laughing with Philippe.

“Bridget?” Harry glances at me and Taylor grows more pink.

“Bridget? That’s her name?” Taylor blinks away tears. “Really y/n? I get when it happened I was a child, you and mom kept it from me. But she’s, you invite her to you-“

“Invite who?!” I shout. What the hell did Taylor think.

“Y/n,” Harry puts his hand on my lower back in warning.

“Your daughter?” Taylor says with teary eyes and a look of betrayal on her face. “That’s your daughter isn’t it? She looks just like…”

“Jesus I thought the same thing,” Anne looks at all of us. “Harry?”

“That’s not-“ he stops talking and we all look over at her. I had to say, right now she really could be. With her hair curled and wearing what she’s wearing. She could be family.

“She’s my TA. I’ve known her for a couple years guys I’ve bloody taught her. That’s not our daughter. She wasn’t even supposed to be here tonight? Harry invited her last minute.”

They all turn to look at me. Taylor looks miffed, she bites her lip as she looks at her one last time.

“That’s weird. Nevermind.”

She leaves like she didn’t just make a big scene. Anne covers her hand with her mouth and shakes her head. “I’m sorry loves, I didn’t mean to upset anyone-“

“You didn’t do anything,” I reassure her. Taylor did. And she couldn’t even say sorry.

“Don’t worry mum,” Harry pays her arm. She fades into the crowd and Harry stands in front of me so all I see is him. “She’ll get air, she’ll be fine.”

“But how could she just cause such a big scene like I’d hide something like that from her? On my wedding day! And then leave without even apologizing ugh! She is still such a brat sometimes!”

“I know, she’ll apologize later just let her be.” He knew Taylor enough. He knew her at 13 and he knew her now. That’s exactly what she would do. “We’re getting you a shot.”

“That’s the last thing I need! I’m already kinda tipsy Har.”

“This won’t tip you over c’mon. Shake it off.”

He leads me to the bar and we take a shot. I nearly spill half of it, it was awful whatever it was. I lose Harry as we get back to the dancing and end up behind Bridget instead. Philippe noticed me first and slows his dancing, which signals Bridget to turn around.

“Y/n!” Her smile is so bright it hurts to look at. It dims as I just stare at her.

It would be crazy. It was a big fat coincidence. She had a mum, a dad, a sister, she told me all about them. Her childhood dog and the time she twisted her ankle playing football in year 4. She wasn’t who we wanted her to be.

“Are you alright?” I read her lips. There’s only ringing in my ears. “Hey! Y/n!”

Philippe is suddenly on my other side and I’m being led to a chair. He disappears and Bridget pulls a chair beside me.

“What’s,” my voice sticks and I clear my throat. “What’s going on between you two? He’s your date?”

“Philippe?” Bridget’s brows draw together and I can’t stop looking at where they meet. I knew her. I didn’t know her. I was too afraid to ask. “No just friends.”

“That’s not the way he’s looking at you.”

“What?” She tucks her hair back. “No we’ve been friends since high school. It’s not like that?”

“What would you do if he got a girlfriend?” It was a random conversation to have, here and right now but it helps me from tumbling anywhere else. Especially into a pool of what-ifs.

“I’d,” she shrugs but a flicker passes through her face, for a second her jaw clenches. “Be happy for him.”

“Liar!”

“I’m not! Why are you asking?”

“You two like each other. I see the way he looks at you when you’re not looking. Why did you invite him tonight?”

She shrugs, picking at something on her arm. “I dunno. He’s good at being a plus one. He always supports me? He’s always been there for me.”

“Sorry,” he shows up with a glass of water. “I swear the guy behind the bar was ignoring me.”

“Thank you Philippe,” by now I didn’t really need the water but I hold the icy glass in my hands. “Let’s see the pictures you took. I want them in my inbox or something soon. We don’t get our official photos for months.”

“Oh yeah here,” Phillipe hands over his phone after opening the photo. There are a couple of all of us, and then a few with just Bridget standing between Harry and I smiling.

I look between all three of us and feel something in my gut. But it’s too scary and big to unpack right now. I shove it away. I couldn’t do this. Not today, not tonight.

“You look beautiful Bridget,” I touch a lock of her hair. “Did I already say that?”

“Yeah,” she smiles awkwardly. “You said that before the photo.”

“You do. And so do you Philippe. Thank you for attending my wedding.”

“Thanks for inviting us,” Bridget looks at me wide-eyed, like she’s about to say something but when Philippe’s hand lands on her shoulder she looks down.

“What?” I ask anyway. Her eyes dart like prey to me, to Philippe, and down to her hands. I grab her hand and force her to look at me, like I could read something in her eyes. Like I would know. “Bridget.”

She looks up and her eyes well with tears as we look into each other’s eyes. My throat feels tight like I was having an allergic reaction, it travels down to my chest, I inadvertently feel myself squeezing her hand.

“I’m so-“

“Bridget,” Philippe’s voice cuts through whatever Bridget was going to apologize for. I look up at him and he’s burning a hole staring at her that hard. Over his head I see Harry.

“Oh look I see my husband,” Harry’s spots me too, relief in his features. His eyes stay on my face as he walks towards me and his eyes keep my steady. I want to tell him something, but everything that just happened was so non-verbal and unreal that I think I made it all up. I must be because this was insane and there was no explanation other than I was drunk, and sadder than I realized. “Gotta go kids. Have fun. I think I need another shot.”

I remember the rest of the night in snapshots. I forget myself later, giving myself up to Harry after that. We actually make it to dawn in a mixture of love and declarations, filthy words and I love yous, laughter and deeper conversations. It’s everything we were. It’s just like he promised.

***

Life moves on and I don’t bring anything up to Harry. I couldn’t, either I’m wrong and get his hopes up, or he thinks I’d gone insane in my sadness.

I feel like Bridget avoids me the week after, I return to class and she sits there, even takes questions after class, but she makes an excuse of studying during office hours and I barely get a few words with her. The week after she has an exam and she skips out after class.

I’m antsy. I want to know more about her; from her. I’m tempted to find a way to access her profile, get more info via the school. But I wait.

Harry notices, as we prep for our honeymoon booked over the holidays, he continues to ask if I was alright. And I try to convince us both I was.

About 3 weeks after the wedding, it’s a Saturday afternoon. Harry’s making lunch and I’m sitting in a pile of our books trying to decide what can be donated.

“Can you get that?” Harry asks.

“Hm?”

“The door?” He says just as there’s another knock. I’d been so entranced in the book I’d randomly started reading a passage of I hadn’t even heard.

I scramble to get it before the next knock and nearly stumble back when I find Bridget at the door.

“Hiya,” she says with an awkward wave.

“Hi…Bridget. What…come in what’s going on?”

“Sorry? Now that I’m here I should have called first.” She comes in and I go further in, waiting for her to follow. She hesitates before peeling her wet boots off.

“Harry? We have a guest,” I announce as I take her further into the home. I guess she’d already been here once before. “Bridget what can we do you for? Did you need something?”

“Bridget!” Harry pops out of the kitchen into the adjoined living room when we get closer. “Nice to see you again! I’m nearly done lunch, did you want to stay?”

What was it with Harry randomly inviting Bridget to things that were not pre-discussed.

“Um, I no. I probably shouldn’t. I just, came by to talk?”

“Sure,” I lead her to our dining table. “Is it about school? Did something happen?”

I sit across from her and Harry mumbles something, turning the dials down on the stovetop before sitting beside me.

Bridget’s eyes dart everywhere, from me to Harry, to the pictures on the wall, the kitchen, the books all over the floor.

“I was just doing a clearout,” I say to fill the silence. “Hey you like books right? Look through that pile there later if you want any of ‘em.”

“Actually,” she tucks her hair behind her ear. I feel Harry tense beside me. “I have a book for you.”

She leans down to where her tote rests and pulls something out. She lays it on her lap first, where we can’t see it. When she looks up to us she has tears in her eyes and her chin quivers.

“Please,” she whispers before pausing. My stomach drops as I take her in. Her face is blotchy and her hair hangs around her face, hiding half of it. She’s definitely cried before coming here, and I almost feel like deja vu as she places the book on the table. “Please don’t hate me.”

She slides it across to us. It’s just a simple leather hardcover, about 30cm by 30cm. The thing in my gut, the suspicion or the intuition, it turns into a cackling ball of energy and moves up to my sternum. I put my hand over it, and then move it to Harry’s leg. He’s frozen like a statue, staring at the book.

“Please open it?” Bridget says with tears streaking her face.

When Harry doesn’t make a move I pull it the rest of the way towards us. I open the first page to a few baby pictures.

I’d never held her in my hands, never even saw her. I’d pushed her out into this world, into another’s arms. But somehow I know who this is.

“Bridget,” I don’t even look at her. I start to frantically flip through the pages. The baby grows, 2 months, 6 months, 1 years old. Another girl joins in some photos, she always has an arm around the other child. I flip and flip and flip and even though I’m expecting it the photo stops my breathing.

I stare at the clone, or the original, of the photo on my fridge.

I’m frozen until another photo is slid towards us. It comes into view: two teenagers on Halloween night. The guy is dressed like the girl, the girl is dressed like the guy.

I throw my chair back and in the time it takes to walk to Bridget she stands too.

“I’m so sorry,” she sobs but I just do what I wanted to do the second she was born.

I hug her. I hold her to my chest the way I never got to over 19 years ago. She belonged here. She never got to be here.

She was finally home. My daughter.

“Bridget,” I cry into her hair. Harry’s hair. She had Harry’s hair, his eyes. She got my nose and everything else. I was holding my daughter. She was in my arms, finally.

She really did look like Taylor as a baby.

“I’m sorry,” she cries again. “I was so scared and I screwed up and-“

“No.” I say fiercely. I push her out of the hug so I can grab her face. I wipe her tears and I nearly cry again. How many tears had I missed? Over skinned knees, playground taunts, first crushes and friendship breakups. How many tears had I missed? “Don’t say that. You’re here. You’re—Harry!”

I turn to him, why wasn’t he here?

He’s sat exactly where he was before. Frozen, staring at a spot between the picture of us and Bridget.

I let go of Bridget and move back to him.

“Baby,” I touch his arm and he springs up. Tears coat his lashes.

“‘Scuse me,” he brushes past me and heads out into the hall. Away from us. I want to go after him but I don’t want to leave Bridget—our daughter, alone.

“I’m sorry I knew I would ruin things I-“

“Please,” I want to go after him so bad but I go to Bridget and pull her into a gentler hug. When we part I keep hold of her shoulders. I never wanted to let her go. “He’s just processing it. He’s fine. He’s not mad at you I promise. Promise.”

She bites her lip, it reminds me of Taylor. She was a bit of everyone I knew and loved. She was the love that Harry and I always had. She was ours.

“I just got so scared when I tried to reach…I didn’t mean to deceive you. I didn’t. I felt terrible every day.”

“It’s okay,” I tuck her hair behind her ear. “There’s nothing to be sorry about-“

“But I saw you,” she cuts me off. “After I finally called you back and then just like, ghosted you. And every time I saw you at school it was like…I knew I was to blame. And it made me want to tell you even more but I got more scared any time I came close to it. I almost said it at your wedding—it would have been so stupid. Philippe stopped me.”

“I understand,” I did. I also didn’t care about any of it. She was here. That’s all I cared about. I wanted to know everything about her, I needed Harry here though. “Look Harry…your…Harry. I’m just going to check on him. You stay here and just…”

I trail off and leave. I had to be sure he was okay.

He’s not in the bedroom, or the office. I try the door to the toilet and it opens, he’s sitting on the edge of the tub with his head in his hands.

“She leave?” He asks in a hoarse voice.

“Oh baby,” I crouch in front of him. “No. She’s still here but I just wanted to check on you.”

“I’m pathetic,” he buries his hands in his hair. “I’ve been waiting my whole adult life for this and all I do is freeze. Her first impression is of her dad just freezing and then running away.”

I try not to laugh at his dramatic retelling. “Har you know that’s not true. She’s known you before this. It was a shock-“

“You were fine.”

“You know I…always suspected. Especially after the wedding.”

He looks up at that, finally. “You never said.”

“Harry, I felt crazy. Saying it out loud would have forced me to check myself into the psych ward. We all react differently, it doesn’t matter though. Our baby girl is here. The day we talked about!”

He takes a deep breath, and then another one. I guide him to stand and he looks so limp and sad that I squeeze him in a hug. “She doesn’t care how you reacted. She just wants to know you.”

Harry sighs again, he splashes his face with water and we walk out. I was nervous for him.

We walk back into the living room and my heart sinks when Bridget isn’t there. But her things are?

A few steps further and she’s at the stovetop, stirring a pot.

“Oh sorry,” she steps back and nearly throws the spatula into the pot. “It was boiling a lot and-“

“Bridget,” Harry ignores most of what she’s saying and she freezes at the sound of her name. He’s a foot away from her now. I watch him raise a hand to her face and then drop it. His face is a cross between heartbreak and awe as they drink each other in. I wait in anticipation.

“Hi,” she finally says shyly. But it breaks the ice. Harry pulls her into a hug and she returns it tenfold from the looks of it. I can’t tell who’s crying, but I give them their moment as I turn the dials off on the stovetop.

It was just a regular Saturday, except it wasn’t. Our worlds exploded with our past and was putting itself back together again, all the old broken pieces were being mended back together with love. My chest drowns in it, I can barely breathe. In Harry’s arms, there’s no denying she’s ours.

***

“Thank you,” Bridget says as we tuck into dinner. Harry’s lunch prep had gone cold as we’d all sat down and talked about how Bridget found us (looking me up, finding out I was teaching a course she was interested in, forcing her friend Philippe to take it to see if I was who she thought I was), and going through her album. I found out more about her sister Louisa and her parents. It was weird seeing pictures of them, in my mind they were the people that took my baby as their own and for Bridget they were mum and dad.

We finally decide to do something about food when our stomachs rumble. Harry goes back to cooking, showing Bridget what he’s doing until she leaves to take a call. I recognize Philippe on the caller ID.

I take Bridget’s place but I’m more of an extra weight tied to Harry’s back as I hug hun from behind. We don’t even have words on what this all means to us. For now, just touching each other keeps us grounded, it keeps is in what was happening together.

Bridget comes back from the call when we’re nearly done.

“I just want to say I am sorry—and I know you said not to be,” Bridget says quickly before I can get a word in. “But I never meant to deceive the both of you. My plan was to take your class, leave the letter and then talk. I Googled you so much it felt like I knew you. Yet when we spoke in your office that day, you felt familiar but In a different way than the person I studied. I just liked you so much, and I wanted you to like me. I was scared maybe you wouldn’t. So I just screwed the plan and messed up everything.”

“Hey,” Harry hands her a tissue and she takes it. Under the table he squeezes my hand. “It’s in the past.”

“I know. Still made me feel awful. And I couldn’t tell you but I also couldn’t stay away. I applied for TA and, it felt like having a friend and a sister and a mentor all in one. And I…I screwed up. I took it too far. And then you invited me to your wedding—I got to attend my parents’ wedding! It was so absurd. I couldn’t stop crying.”

Sounded like me. But I don’t say anything. We listen to her attentively.

“I only told my sister. I wanted to tell you two before I told my parents.”

I think about my parents. Harry’s. I didn’t want to overwhelm her but I couldn’t wait to introduce her to everyone that already loved her.

“I just hope…no, I know I hurt you two a lot. I didn’t mean to. I am really sorry about it all.”

“Bridget,” Harry’s hand comes down on hers. “What’s done is over. There are so many things we wish we did differently but ultimately it’s all done. All that matters is you’re here, now. You’re our daughter we never got to meet and you’re finally here.”

Harry’s voice cracks on the last word and he sits back and laughs away the tears. “Sorry. I’m a mess today aren’t I? Your first impression of me is a crying mess.”

“That’s not my first impression,” Bridget laughs but her eyes also fill with tears. “That night at the pub. When I saw you two together I nearly bloody fainted! When I looked you up y/n, there’d been an old wedding registry with another bloke. But then seeing you two together?! I just couldn’t believe it—I thought I dreamed it. And then I nearly cried because my bio parents were somehow together?? And the way you just stared into my soul it felt like you knew who I was.”

I laugh, remembering but also knowing exactly what look Bridget was talking about. “He does have a piercing look doesn’t he?”

“Yeah. It could gut someone!”

“That makes it sound awful!” Harry laughs. “Don’t say that.”

“It nearly gutted me! I really thought oh shite—“ Bridget freezes and looks between us like we were gonna scold her for swearing and I nearly leap across the table to hug her again then. “I uhm, I thought you knew who I was.”

“We thought it then,” I let my eyes roam over her. I realize I’d always been a mother, despite not having my daughter. Holding her earlier had awoken an instinct in me and now every time I look at her I feel a rush of love and something fierce. I wonder if Harry felt it too. “But we thought we were mental!”

Her phone chimes as we laugh. She flips it around and then tucks it into her purse.

“You need to take that?” Harry asks.

“No it’s just Philippe. He was at the wedding? I was just talking to him, I hadn’t texted him in a while he wanted to know how it went.”

“Philippe,” I say with a knowing smile. Bridget blushes and Harry asks what he’s missing out on so I fill him in.

“He sounds like a good lad,” Harry comments.

“A good lad?” I repeat. “Are you hearing him?”

Bridget laughs behind her hand and I can’t stop staring at her. I have to force myself to go back to eating.

“He is. I might have told him about how I felt?”

“Wow,” I put my fork down. “You’re confessing an awful lot lately.”

She blushes even deeper. And suddenly I’m grateful of the weird and layered way she’d come into our lives. Despite hiding the truth, it had allowed us to get to know each other as people first. Without any baggage or give me any inclination to fit who I thought she should be onto who was in front of me.

I got to know her for the young woman she was first, so did Harry in a way. And I would be forever grateful for that despite all the pain in between.

“Sorry,” I get up. The affection was overflowing from my cup. “I’m going to give you another hug because I just can’t believe all this.”

“Ohh,” Bridget stands to meet me and we wrap our arms around each other. Here was a girl I already knew, here was my daughter waiting to be known.

“God, she really is our daughter.” Harry quips from his side of the table. He explains when Bridget looks over at him, “y/n is known to be a big touchy person, I’m kinda like that too.”

“Oh my god,” she smiles at us. “I’m like that too! My sister hates hugs. My dad’s 2 pats on the back man, 3 if he’s feeling a lot. I always wondered if…”

She trails off. It seems to hit all of us all over again every so often. For me it’s when she talks about her mum and dad and it’s not Harry and I. The reminder that she went 19 years becoming her own person that we now were catching up on.

For her, it seems it was realizing all the parts of us that were in her.

“You got Harry’s hair, and eyes.” I comment.

“I did! I realized that as soon as I saw a photo online. But I do look a bit like you.”

“You do! I should show you some younger pictures of us and our families. You’ll see more similarities.”

“Wow. So you have a younger sister. How about you Harry?”

“Older sister. Seems we all have sisters.”

Bridget and I make eye contact, remembering a conversation we had what feels like ages ago about having sisters.

We continue our dinner, swapping stories and filling her in on anything she wants to know. She leaves after, claiming to have to get back home, she had an exam on Monday to study for.

When she leaves Harry and I can’t stop talking about her. Or gushing would be more accurate.

“Did you see the way she laughs?” I’d tell him. “Pure you!”

“The way she tucks her hair back,” he would retaliate. “Just like you. You did that especially back in secondary.”

We talk until we’re exhausted, crawling into bed just staring in wonder. There were still so many details to figure out, so many things to cover, it could drown a person thinking of it all.

But like an anchor in the sea, Harry and I fall asleep with hand clasped together. We keep each other buoyed amidst it all.

It was going to take time for this all to sink in but all I’ve ever had was time, and questions. I think I was finally getting time and answers.

Age 39:

Harry’s pov: Having our daughter in our lives is simple and complicated at the same time. At first there were a lot of things to untangle but as time went on, the knots loosened until our lives became their own knots, tangled into each other.

Meeting her parents, the people I met once many years ago, was likely the strangest part. They already felt so familiar as soon as they greeted us in a warm embrace, as if we were there own children. I guess the last time they saw us we were.

“Oh look at you,” Bridget’s mum had squeezed us tight. Her dad had pat us three times and we took it to mean as much as a hug.

In my mind they were always the age they had been then. They were probably around the age we are now. Seeing them sport greys and fine lines, it was like stepping into a time portal.

Lou, Bridget’s sister, eyes us for the first little while before warming up and sharing all kinds of stories—especially the embarrassing kind with us.

When Bridget meets Y/n’s family, I can tell they’re loud and overwhelming at first but we’re all surprised when Taylor embraces Bridget and takes to her immediately.

She brings out old pictures they had of Y/N and I, but every time she says, “your mum and dad…” when she talks about us through the pictures, I notice y/n protesting less and less.

It makes me feel funny, I keep thinking I was going to wake up and find out it had all been a dream.

“This feels very full circle to me,” y/n’s mum says. She’s watching Taylor talk about her baby bump—she was 3 months along. “I saw Bridget as a wee baby when they handed her over to her parents. I remember running late to hospital and making it to the room just in time to see it. I blinked and now she’s in my living room!”

“Sometimes I feel the same way,” I confess.

My family is slightly quietier but they all fuss over our daughter. They ask a million questions and when it’s all over we take Bridget for ice cream. It’s a pseudo-recreation of a life we never had.

Bridget eases into it too. At first she had bouts of disappearing on us. No more than a couple days. But we give her space, understanding it was overwhelming.

Every time I see her, I see her mum—y/n. I was never there when y/n gave birth. We had to drive up from London when we got the news and by the time I got there the dust had settled.

I never even had the potential of seeing her. I’d always been more sympathetic of y/n; her loss had been physical, mine was slightly more abstract.

Even though I’d spent every year since regretting that I wasn’t there to at least glimpse her, I’m glad now I hadn’t been there to see her. If I had to live the last 18 years with this feeling in my chest I don’t think I could have lasted that long. I don’t know how y/n did it. It’s a concoction of deep unconditional love, and tenderness, and recognition, wrapped in a shell of protectiveness. It took me a while to sort through it all but I had a conversation with my parents one night at dinner Y/n and I had visited. And they’d laughed because they had told me that was simply what being a parent was.

“Maybe she regrets it,” I had said the second time she ghosted us. Really it had just been over a day where she hadn’t gotten back to us. But I couldn’t help the overthinking, being tuned into any potential of loss with our daughter.

Somehow, y/n was the cool headed between us two in these moments. Maybe it was being a mum, maybe it was knowing Bridget beforehand, but she was very in sync with her.

“She needs space. The last thing we want her to be is overwhelmed too. Now don’t overwhelm yourself love, at least she’s in our lives.” She’d say.

It takes us the start of the summer and all those meets later for Bridget to finally feel at ease.

We invite her on a road trip, we were renting a place in the Cotswold for a few days and told her to bring Philippe. When she doesn’t even hesitate to say yes Y/n tells me we’d done it: she was finally more comfortable than overwhelmed.

“Y/N made me a better man,” I say after a couple drinks. We’re all sat around a fire outside the house. Despite it being a warm day of hiking the night had cooled significantly and we’d decided that boozy hot cocoas was the way to go. “I’ve lost my ways a lot of times as an adult. But she’s always been my north star. Even when we got back together she led me to being sober and getting my shite together.”

“Oh…” Philippe looks down at his drink. “Are you…”

“No,” I laugh, Philippe was the most-conscientious teen I’d ever met. “I got sober to get my life in order. But…it’s in order now. I haven’t done anything crazy for over a year now.”

A little before our wedding I decided I wanted to end my sobriety. It had been a thought for months, and I had waited before giving in. But I really felt more in control of my life. I faced my life decisions head on, I confronted my past with y/n’s help, and I didn’t think I’d lose control again. It had been a shaky first week but I was right. It was a proud moment for me.

“You two really have something special,” Bridget comments.

“They do,” Philippe adds. “I can’t believe you got your happy ending after so many years!”

“Yeah,” y/n says as I lay my hand on her thigh, palm up. “Y’know what they say about loving someone and letting them go.”

“I guess you did that with me,” Bridget says so quietly we almost don’t hear her. But out here in the countryside we do.

“We didn’t want to,” I remind her.

“No I know.” She smiles, it’s a bit sad. Philippe tugs her closer. I could see how much he cared for her in that small gesture. “I’m not saying it like that. I hear your story and I just imagine how different my life would have been if I was raised by my, by you two. I wouldn’t have this life. And I really like this life.”

She looks at Philippe and I feel y/n squeeze my hand. She often said they reminded her of us when we were younger; the kind of love you’d do anything for.

“But you two loved me enough to let me go. To let each other go. It’s fucking sad but it’s beautiful. Life’s weird.”

“Here here,” Y/N raises her nearly empty cup of hot cocoa. “Life’s weird, sad, beautiful, but lately my life’s been full of so much love. I wish I could sell all the excess, I think I could solve a lot of world problems with it.”

“Wow,” I lean over and kiss the top of her head. “That’s one hell of a speech.”

“I have a speech,” Philippe stands, a little tipsy, and clears his throat. Bridget rolls her eyes but they shine for him. “Bridget you’re the love of my life. Since we were 13. But Harry and Y/N, I think I love you too. Ever since we were 15, I’ve watched Bridge struggle for answers about her past. And you two have given her all the answers, welcomed her—and me actually, into your lovely life. I’ve watched her become old Bridge but even more confident. I’m falling harder for her these days. And I can’t thank you guys enough.”

“Aw Philippe come here,” y/n lets of my hand to walk around and give him a hug. How quickly strangers became family.

Bridget grumbles about being left out and joins the hug. Soon I join in too. I want to create a mold of this moment, I think as I squeeze them against me, I’d make it out of plaster and let it dry. Any time we wanted, we could always find our way back to this moment here.

Age 40:

Y/N and I watch our daughter cross the stage. Beside us are our parents and in front of us sits Bridget’s parents and her sister. She has a whole army cheering for her. This was the first milestone event we could all really show up for, and show up we did.

“I can’t believe this,” I was so proud of her. I know the kudos went to her parents, and herself, but I beam with pride. Honestly Bridget could spin in a circle in front of me and I would be a proud dad.

“We need to get photos,” mum leans over and says so seriously, as if we hadn’t planned on getting a million already.

We have a framed picture in our hall, Y/N and I on our wedding day, our daughter in between us. Her graduation photo is definitely making it. She makes fun of this wall, calls it the Styles hall of fame, and I never mention it but she always lingers a few second longer in front of the photo of the three of us.

I do too.

“It makes me so sad you won’t be so close to me anymore,” my mum tells Bridget later. We’re all piled in our flat, drinks and celebratory cake in everyone’s hands.

It reminds me of mine and y/n’s 40th birthday, we had gathered our family and friends here and it was some of their first times meeting our daughter. Today is more intimate, and focused on Bridget.

“I know it makes me sad too, but I’ll be here often, visiting Philippe.”

“Only visiting Philippe?” I raise a brow.

“Is there someone else I’m supposed to be visiting?” She mirrors my raised brow.

As Bridget’s gotten more comfortable, me and her could banter for hours if you let us, it’s one of those things that brought us closer together—having the same sense of humour. It’s allowed us to have just as deep heart-to-hearts, a handy joke always close to the surface.

Y/N always says seeing me like that, thoughtful and silly, reminds her of the boy she fell for. I can’t deny that I’ve been feeling closer to my 20 year old self than my 40 year old self lately.

“She’s too cheeky,” Bridget’s mum says. “But I have to say I’ll be glad to have her back.”

Lou, Bridget’s sister, was moving to Wales. Apparently she wanted to know more about her background, and take a trip with her bio mum to visit her bio dad.

I think Bridget was moving back to Coventry to keep her parents’ loneliness away; she said she would commute to Birmingham for school. Even though she got accepted into law schools in London, going to a uni close to her parents just showed me how close she was to her parents. It was a bittersweet feeling.

“I’ll have somebody to watch cricket with again,” her dad says.

“Ohh,” Bridget throws her sister a side-eye. “I love cricket…”

We all laugh at her complete lack of concealing her true feelings.

Later that night, it’s just Bridget’s parents and us. The kids are on the balcony talking.

“I know we’ve said it before,” I say after a long silence. We’d just been watching the kids talk and laugh outside. “But I want to say thank you again.”

Bridget’s dad shakes his head. “It was the greatest pleasure of our lives getting to raise those two girls.”

He looks over at his wife and they smile at one another. Seeing them interact, I’m grateful that somehow fate had led us to them. While Y/N and I were figuring life out, while I fucked up a lot of things, she was raised on a steady and stable foundation.

“She’s incredible,” I murmur. “She’s gonna be a lawyer. She’s going to change the world.”

“She sure will,” her mum says. “We should be thanking you two. For giving us Bridget. I know it wasn’t easy, you told me you thought about her nearly every day. But we can’t imagine our lives without her.”

We sit in a comfortable silence, looking out at the kids until they notice and start to ask questions through the glass.

“She’s happier,” her mum says smiling at Bridget and Lou exaggerating their words through the glass. “She stopped being like this before she left for uni. We thought we lost her but…I think everything worked out for the best.”

Y/N glances at me. Her eyes crinkle when she finds me looking at her first, her eyes steady me as she says what I was thinking, “I think so too.”

Age 45

Your pov: “When did she say she would be here?”

“6?” Harry says for the tenth time.

“It’s 6:20 do you think something happened? She hasn’t texted has she?”

“My love,” Harry puts down the cutlery he was arranging on the table and holds my face in his hands. “They’re driving from Coventry, they probably hit some traffic.”

“Maybe I should call her?”

Harry sighs and squishes my face.

“Don’t! You’ll make more wrinkles.” I warn.

“I love your wrinkles,” Harry kisses my forehead right where the pesky wrinkles had been growing deeper over the last few years despite the additions to my night routine.

Harry always said our wrinkles were just the stories of our lives showing through. I told him to get himself undereye cream.

“You don’t think I’m aging handsomely?” He strokes the moustache he started growing last year. At this age, even I couldn’t deny it made him even more attractive.

“Well it’s no good if you’re ageing handsomely and I age like a troll.”

“I will love you if you age into a troll.”

“But will you love me if I turn into a worm?”

“Do you even have to ask? I’d buy you the best soil and keep you in a beautiful pot.”

“You wouldn’t take me fishing?” I ask. He sighs. Last year while we were taking a trip up north for Lou’s wedding, we’d gotten into a fight and when I asked him the question while he was still stewing he said he’d take me fishing. It had, ironically, broken the iciness of his anger and we’d laughed about it so hard he’d nearly had to pull over.

“I wouldn’t do that to you,” he wraps me into his chest nearly suffocating me.

I’d spent half my life with a lot of difficulties, but life now felt easy compared to it. I had the privilege of getting older with the man I adored, got to watch my daughter flourish as an adult and a lawyer, watch her get married to the love of her life, and all the while live comfortably in the heart of this city I called home.

When Bruno starts barking though, I gasp and push myself off of Harry, “that’s them!”

Bruno continues to bark as I rush to the door. We’d got him a couple years ago as a pup and I can’t believe it had taken us that long to get a dog. He filled our lives with laughter and long walks. We loved him.

“Down.” I say to him. I open the door and hold my hands out while Bruno runs in circles beside me.

“Ahhh sorry we’re late!” Bridget steps into my hug and I tug Philippe’s hood so he can join. Bruno goes for Philippe when they walk in, he’d gotten obsessed with him after Philippe took care of him while Harry and I took an anniversary trip last year.

“Where are my hellos!?” Bridget says to Bruno and he barks, standing on his back legs to paw at her leg.

I hadn’t seen the two of them since March, that was 6 months ago. It had been their wedding, and they’d gone on a month long honeymoon after that, after which Harry and I had taken time off to road trip around Europe with Bruno, and then time had just zipped by.

After a hearty dinner, Harry and I carry out the birthday cake we’d been hiding.

“You didn’t have to do this!” Bridget fans her face but we treat it like we do any special occasion, plus making up for all the ones we’d missed. We get photos and exchange presents, she cries reading the cards and the whole time she says she had a present for us.

It’s a small bag, Harry and I guess that it was something for Bruno but when we take out a box it doesn’t sound like much when we shake it.

“Is this a prank gift? There’s nothing in it?” Harry asks.

“Open it!” He was making me antsy.

“You open it,” he hands me the box. Bridget and Philippe stare intently at my hands.

I undo the bow and slowly open the box. There’s a small square of tissue paper, and then a piece of paper. I remove both but something catches my eye.

I flip the paper over and stop breathing.

“Is that-“ Harry stops talking too. We stare at the piece of paper in our hands. It looks so much like one I had held 28 years ago. But it’s not.

“Bridge,” I look up at the couple. The parents-to-be.

“We’re having a baby,” Bridget says. Philippe and her are gripping hands and I throw everything off of me to launch myself at her.

“A baby!” I hear Harry say and joining us. “You’re having a baby! Y/n!”

“I never thought we’d be grandparents,” I look up at Harry.

“Those wrinkles were coming in for a reason,” he teases.

We never did have any other kids. Quite frankly, neither of us wanted any. When we first got together we were just starting to get comfortable with the reminder that we had a daughter out there and we could talk about her freely with each other. It felt like having a third person in our little family.

After Harry proposed, while we planned our wedding, we talked about it but we never thought it felt right. We both had first marriages where a lack of conceiving had just put a strain on the relationship we didn’t think we needed. We’d also felt like it was betraying something, before we met our first child.

When Bridget did reach out, it became about catching up on lost time. And then with her in our lives we knew what we suspected all along. We had each other, and that was enough. Bridge was our bonus. And getting to be aunt and uncle to our nieces and nephews it was enough. It was a full enough life.

We never even dreamed in our 20s we’d get to be parents and now we would get to be grandparents! I never realized until this moment that I wanted this. Really wanted it.

“Do you know the gender?” Harry asks.

“No,” Philippe answers. “We were thinking of doing one of those reveal parties? But not for a couple months.”

“Wow,” my hands drift down to Bridget’s belly and I remember I had something. I leap away from the group and find the box in my closet, it’s painted pink with random collages from old magazines. It hosts old diaries, photos, a hospital bracelet, and an ultrasound.

“This was you once,” I show her the picture when I get back. “I carried you like that once upon a time.”

She takes it with teary eyes, holding it close to her face to make out the shape of her. She hands it to Philippe and grabs my hands.

“I’ve thought about it before, but when I got pregnant I couldn’t wait to tell you-“

“She kept telling me I had to make a trip out to London just so she could give you the news.” Philippe interrupts, eyes scanning the ultrasound still.

“No really,” Bridget laughs. “I did. It’s like I got this new perspective.”

She puts my hands on her belly and covers mine with hers. I feel everything at once then, all the heartbreak I ever went through to get here.

“I can’t imagine giving this baby up. And it’s barely 3 months. What you were willing to do to give me a better life-“

She breaks off and Philippe squeezes her shoulder. I watch my daughter try to gain control of her emotions. I remember when I was pregnant with her, anything would set me off.

“It must not have been easy. After carrying me like this for 9 whole months. Thank you-“ she looks up to where Harry’s standing. I barely register his hand on my shoulder. “Thank you as my mum and dad, for making the hardest decision I can imagine ever making, so I could have something you knew you couldn’t provide.”

I reel my tears in, save them for later that night in bed while Harry holds me tight against him.

Right now I kiss my daughter and tell her what a good mother she will make. I tell her and Philippe how proud I was of them, how excited, how wonderful this was.

Age 46

The day we meet our granddaughter is seared into my brain. We get the call at 8:35pm, Harry and I were staying in a B&B in Coventry despite Bridget’s mum insisting we stay with her. We’d been here all weekend, booked it all week, not wanting to miss Bridget’s delivery date.

“Y/N she’s here,” her mum whispers into the phone. Her voice is filled with joy and giddiness. “She’s here.”

“We’re coming,” I say. Harry’s already at the door and we rush out into the night to see our granddaughter.

She has the perfect little face, and when she finally wakes up I gasp when I see Harry’s eyes looking back at me. I turn to him, to see if he noticed, but he’s teary-eyed and gazing at the baby in awe. I soak it in for a second, imagining this exact look if we’d kept our baby so many years ago.

Bridget’s parents had given us the room, to give us a moment alone, and I can’t be more grateful. Bridget encourages us to hold her and as her soft body is pressed into my body I let out a sob and hand her over to Harry. I excuse myself and step outside the room.

Lou’s kids sit on the floor outside, playing with whatever toys are spilling out of a miniature backpack. I focus on the flashy colours, trying to calm down, counting the number of toys falling out.

My life was a 180 from 10 years ago. This moment would go down in our history books as one of the best days of our lives.

But I can’t deny the bittersweet. The experience threatens to push me into the bitter past of not even getting to hold Baby Bridget. But with it comes an undeniable sweetness of getting to experience this now.

I take a deep breath and walk back in. Harry and Bridget stop mid-sentence and turn to me. Bridget’s face is streaked with tears, Harry’s looks concerned but I smile. He sits with the pink bundle to his chest and I ache.

“Don’t look so obvious you were talking about me,” I try a joke.

“Are you alright?” Bridget asks.

“May I hold her?” I ask in return.

I sit on the edge of the bed and she’s placed in my arms; she’s perfect. Just as perfect as Bridget must have been.

“She’s got Philippe’s hair,” I gently stroke the wispy blonde strands.

“She’s got my eyes, her grandpa’s eyes.”

I look at Harry. And he catches the stricken look on my face when Bridget tips forward and whispers to her baby.

“Look baby, this is your mumma’s mum, and your mumma’s dad. You’ve got his beautiful eyes. Say hi to grandma!”

My throat tightens. “Bridge.”

She leans away, her eyes dart between us. “I know I call you Y/N and Harry. It made it easier at first but…you are my mum and dad. Even though I have another pair. You are my mum and dad. And I want her to know you like that.”

“Oh love,” Harry leans down and kisses the top of our daughter’s head. She keeps her green eyes trained on me, grasping my hand that’s wrapped under her baby’s.

I mouth a thank you, my voice couldn’t pass through the block in my throat. She squeezes my hand and it sets the baby off. Remembering when my nephews were this young, I just hand her back to Bridget knowing she only wanted her mum.

Harry and I stay in the waiting room. We couldn’t go home, even though we had spent our allotted time we had inside the room, we stay there.

We watch Lou’s kids as Bridget’s family gathers in her room. We stay as they fall asleep, draped over us. I remember when Taylor’s kids were this small, they would fall asleep anywhere.

We talk in whispers, I don’t remember what about exactly. Mostly how excited we were. How there was so much to look forward to. How different our lives looked a decade ago.

“One day we’ll tell our grandkids,” I remember Harry saying. “We’ll tell them all about us, how we met, how our love burned so bright it shone in the sky. We lost each other but our love was always there to guide us back home.”

“We’ll see them grow up, all the memories we missed.”

“We’ll change diapers.”

“We’ll change diapers,” I giggle, half-delirious by the lack of sleep. It was probably 2am and I was tired.

When I gaze up at Harry I remember him holding our granddaughter. I replace her with Bridget. For a minute I allow myself to imagine how that would have been.

“I think you would have made an amazing mum if we did things differently,” Harry whispers into my hair.

“You too.” I whisper back.

“An amazing mum? You think?” The edge of his lips tug upwards.

“Harry,” I warn. We had kids sleeping on us we were trying not to wake.

“I love you.” He says in response. “To the stars and back.”

On our drive home I can’t stop looking at him. I always wondered how it would be like to grow old with someone; when I was younger and watch my own parents celebrate anniversaries. And then when I was older and my first marriage was so rocky.

But thinking about it now is like a simple mathematical equation. You take two lives, two individuals, and you bracket them in love. You add an exponent—the decision to continue choosing each other. And you get a lifelong commitment. No matter the situation, no matter the challenges or the changes, you choose to choose each other.

His side profile lights up by an oncoming car. For a second he’s the same boy I feel in love with, a few more gray hairs, a few more wrinkles, and a moustache. But he’d always be the boy I followed out to the roof, who held my hand in our high school hallway, the one who turned an I into a we when I got pregnant, I see the man I had coffee with after a run-in at the Whole Foods, I see the broken heart from a harsh life sitting on the steps of a church, I see a bookworm, I see a father, a husband, and now a grandfather. I see the one person who knows me like the back of his hand. The one I am home with always.

“What is it?” Harry asks as we pull into our b&b. “Have you been asleep this whole ride or have you been staring at me?”

“Staring at you?” I ask. “You think I was staring at you the whole ride?”

“Well you were really silent. And facing me

“I was thinking.”

“About me?”

“Why are you so desparate!? Do I not show you enough love regularly?”

“I could always use more,” Harry looks half asleep as we reach our door.

“The people are right: you give someone a hand and watch as they take the whole arm,” I tease.

“When you gave me your hand, I made you a wife.” Harry retorts.

“Ooh,” I poke him. “I have to say that’s a good comeback for being half-asleep.”

Harry grins back. “You keep me sharp.”

“And you keep me happy. Now open the door so I can stop freezing out here!”

We walk into the warmth of our b&b.

For so much of our lives, our past decisions haunted us. We let so much go. Now life was repaying us, returning it all back, with interest.

***

In a small b&b in the middle of a town called Coventry, two lovers crawl into bed. They’d just become grandparents and they carry an exhausted buzz about them as they try to fall asleep. They’re both thinking of the other, of their daughter, of the tiny bundle they held in their arms today.

Some 20 minutes away their daughter lays in a hospital bed, an exhausted buzz putting her to sleep. She dreams of her mother who gave her up, how she had found her parents in the end, and dreams about the kind of mother she’ll be.

A few doors down lay her newborn daughter, she doesn’t dream of much, not yet, but she’s in for a lifetime of love.

Most of life is what we made it. Y/N and Harry loved deeply enough to make it.

———————————————

TAGLIST: @quinnwritezz @unknownnbihh @dilfhrrys @umadirectioner @hermionelove @anonymous-91 @meganxfddf

[mr-president]

HIT THE SLAY BUTTON 🚨🚨

i was and am absolutely sick and floored that i couldn’t find a single drag queen jamie headcanon or design. i, frankly, absolutely despise designing things, especially fashion, so i grit my teeth and went into agony to deliver this concept.

seriously, how can you not look at this kid and go “a DRAAAG QUEEN???” anyways…here’s my design notes

if i’m referring to jamie in his drag persona, i’ll be using she/her pronouns as is customary with drag queens. and forgive me for any historical or chinese errors; i cannot read or write chinese i can only speak it, and my buddy vinnie stopped answering my questions after a while.

tentative drag name: xiao long bao—yun and yang are known as the white dragon (bai long) and blue dragon (lan long) respectively, but jamie’s title is a pun: “dragon” or “long” is the title, but the entire word “xiao long bao” jsut means soup dumpling. and that’s fitting to me as a nickname for jamie, but imo, it’s not a good drag name. it’s cute and it’s fitting, but it’s not vogue, it’s not a performance name. PLEASE GIVE ME IDEAS IM BEGGING YOU

jamie really seems to like having chinese inspirations in his normalwear, so it made sense to me to have his drag persona be very inspired by hanfu (i believe this is uhhh tang dynasty; the one focused on very ornate patterns with the cross-body robes and emphasis on a waistline; though normally every chinese character pulls from song-dynasty tradition). since i’m not very imaginative, this look was pulled straight from Guangzong drag queen Yuhua Hamasaki

in that traditional chinese hairstyle, jamie has 4 loops in the back with the crown and 4 major pieces of clothing, and with every swig, the loop gets untied and a piece of clothing gets taken off (numbered in order of taken off) the top of the clothes is a zhiju (2, 直裾), dark purple with a reddish iridescent pattern, with a the red xiapei (霞帔) scarf on top. it’s tied with a “horse face skirt”—mamianqun (1, 马面裙) —giving that very long dress/skirt sillohette. underneath that is a jinru (3, 晋襦), another cross-body but shorter robe that’s red and hides the typical drag queen bodysuit (4) that she can then breakdance in.

i debated the logistics of breakdancing in drag heels, but turns out elektra fence has done it on drag race before so. i don’t need to justify its plausibility.

the other two designs are kind of jokes; i’ve (against my will) been forced to see that darkstalkers felicia jamie mod, and i think it’d be a really cool if this actually was a drag thing of his, especially with my hc that yang kind of treats jamie like a beloved stray cat. and felicia’s a performer and singer; i’m sure he could do it. i did adapt some things from felicia’s design; instead of an actual tail (or even a prop one)—which could fuck up jamie’s breakdancing routine—she ties her hair at the end, where it’s dyed white to act as a “tail.” i also hope you enjoy the paw high heel concepts i came up with.

i like jttw, it’s probably my favorite legend of all time and i blame sun wukong for 40% of my personality. but quan yin is absolute fucking mother, and we must pay tribute, so like with his usual routine, jamie strips and reveals the lotus dress underneath her robes.

yun and yang are surprisingly supportive of jamie’s drag hobby, and they’re willing to participate in performances or just show up to support; hence, i think they open up the quan yin act with a fight between sun wukong (yun) and the liu er mihou (yang) before jamie comes in and breaks up the fight by distinguishing the two. the reason for yang’s pensive expression is that, because sun wukong and liu er mihou look exactly alike, then yang has to look like yun, something he despises. would require heavy convincing, but i think he’d eventually budge.

i think jamie’s drag attitude (and attitude in general) reminds me a lot of wesley snipes—an actor typically in hypermasculine action films, who played a very flamboyant drag queen. i’m referencing his role as noxemma jackson in “to wong foo” of course; everything about snipes as noxemma absolutely reeks of jamie, and i could see this being a major inspiration and influence for him

i thought a bit about jamie on rupaul’s drag race, and i concluded that he would fucking hate it. drag queens are viscous, and jamie’s good at quipping insults back, but he’s also used to being able to throw hands afterwards. i can imagine he’d say things like “even the most aggressive, dangerous street fighter cannot match the viciousness of these girls.” i also think he would not like rupaul because rupaul is racist and the judges don’t like cultural performances.

ah yes. the lesbian fucking love drag queens. drag in general—they show the fuck up. jamie in drag would summon every dyke with a 50 mile radius immediately, tips and drinks in hand to be given.

anyways, someone please tell me i’m not insane for this idea that is totally canon, peer reviewed, no notes.

[garden-of-gay]

Can You Feel It? It's Burlesque Part 2

This chapter is a bit shorter than the last, but that is because I've been super busy and I wrote too much for one chapter, so I am giving a shorter chapter now for a longer chapter 3. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter <3

Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4

Also here on Ao3

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Eddie made his way up to the door Steve had motioned to and upon entering the back was hit with a wave of perfume and absolute chaos. The back was extremely crowded, dancers were everywhere in all the different mirrors and stations but above all a woman’s voice could be heard.

“Ladies! Let’s move it, ladies!” She yelled.

There was a cacophony of replies along the lines of “Yes ma’am” and a couple of “Where is my costume!?” but for the most part, the chatter was hard to decipher although, Eddie managed to pick up a bit since his time working in the noisy bar.

“Does anyone know where Billy is?” someone asked.

Eddie is thoroughly overwhelmed in this moment as he searches for Joyce. He overhears a dancer talking to someone and figures it’s his best bet to find Joyce; follow the dancers.

He hears a dancer complain of losing a contact on the stage and the older woman from earlier speak up.

“Okay, if you fall off the stage remember, leg extended, boobs up” she chuckles.

The younger woman she was seemingly talking to then chimes in,

“Remember you’re a goddess.”

“Thank you, Robin” the dancer replies with a smile before the older lady repeats the phrase in a mocking tone towards this Robin.

Backstage is chaos, but he loves it. It reminds him of the few times his dad allowed his band to play at the bar and there was a certain anticipation that hung in the air right before performing. He bumps into one of the dancers before she calls out to a man loitering backstage.

“Lonnie, the sink upstairs is broken again,” she said.

“I’m not calling a plumber, Barb” He replies.

He then makes his way over to the elegant older woman and Eddie can slightly make out what they are saying.

“Joyce, have you read this letter from the bank?” He asks.

“Lonnie, how many times must I tell you? No business during business hours” She huffs, annoyed.

“Come on, Henry Creel is coming to the show tomorrow night, this isn’t going away Joyce,” he says.

She rolls her eyes at him and is clearly disinterested in continuing the conversation, but he continues anyway.

“You won’t talk to me before shows, you won’t talk to me after, it’s like you are avoiding me.”

“Well, I didn’t divorce you to spend more time with you” She jokes.

“I may not be Mr. Joyce anymore but I still own half this place,” he says before walking away in a huff muttering on about how it’s not paying the bills.

Eddie then approaches Robin who is in the midst of fixing up a dancer’s hair and then asks.

“I’m looking for Joyce?”

She nods her head in the direction the older woman, Joyce, went and he wanders over to her.

“Hi, are you Joyce?” He asks.

“Yes, honey, why are you in my mirror exactly?” She replies kindly.

“Oh sorry, I’m a friend of Steve’s and I’m looking for a job.”

“Where have you danced?”

“Ummm….”

Eddie had for some reason not anticipated this question and was now left floundering.

“At home? I promise you I can move though.”

She gave him a polite smile in the mirror before speaking.

“Give your name and number to Robin and she can contact you when we have our next auditions.”

“When will that be exactly” he asked.

He never got his answer because Robin approached, and Joyce turned her attention to her.

“Where is Billy?”

“I don’t know, he’s late again,” Robin said

“Oh, I’m never late” Eddie interjected hoping it scored him some brownie points.

“That’s great buddy now leave your name and number with your friend Steve downstairs, and we will give you a call, promise,” Robin said with a gentle push towards the stairs.

 “I’ve just never seen anything like it, and I would just love...” Eddie began before bumping into yet another dancer, this time in big sunglasses

“Billy! Robin and I were just talking, and you know she said…” Joyce said and then gestured to Robin to finish the thought

“That it was so sad that Billy couldn’t join us for the opening number, and it would be so great if he joined us for the next one”

“Listen, less flab more ab, my workout took longer than expected” Billy replied to the women.

“And so is finding a new job when I fire your late ass” Joyce joked, but Eddie could tell there was a bit of truth to her statement.

Billy then turned and acknowledged Eddie for the first time since they bumped into each other.

“Hey, bring me a martini extra dry, straight up, three olives,” Billy said with an heir of entitlement.

“He doesn’t work here Billy” another dancer replied while Eddie remained speechless, staring at Billy.

“Then he isn’t busy,” he said smarmily.

Eddie continued staring at Billy for a moment. Billy then seemed to notice and spoke with a cocky grin on his face.

“Didn’t your mama ever tell you it isn’t polite to stare”

“You’re just so damn handsome” He replied

“Screw your mama, stare away” Billy exclaimed with a cheshire grin

“It’s just no one would ever know” Eddie replied

“Know what,” Billy said angrily.

Eddie took note that Billy seemingly had a short fuse and was easy to rile up… perfectly.

“That you are smooth like a Ken doll down there,” Eddie said with a wink before descending the stairs back into the busy club.

-

Once he got back down to the bar, Eddie took inventory of everything happening. He needed a job ASAP and it looked like this place needed a proper waiter. He observed the club for a moment and realized that the waitress who was supposed to be getting drinks to patrons was sitting around chatting with someone at the bar. He watched as a customer waved her over and she blatantly ignored them saying something along the lines of “In a minute”. This just wouldn’t do, and a plan began forming in Eddie’s head, if he couldn’t tell them why he deserved a job then he would just show them.

He stripped the leather jacket he was wearing draping it over a chair before picking up a tray from the bar and making his rounds from table to table based on who was in need of drinks. Once he was satisfied with gathering orders he returned to Steve at the bar.

“A shot of Patron and the tough-looking guy in the hat wants a Cosmo,” he said, Steve looked puzzled but replied

“What are you doing?”

“One night, if I’m not better than boobs-for-brains over there, you don’t have to pay me” Eddie practically begged he needed this job and he needed it bad.

-

Turns out Eddie had done something right and was told he could return the next night to begin proper work on the condition that he wore the proper club uniform. He had easily agreed as the uniform was all black and even if he hated it he would wear it because a job is a job and he needs it. He had been told to arrive 30 minutes early to his shift to be shown where everything was and get a feel for the place but other than that he was left to his own devices since he had waiting experience under his belt.

Once the club had opened and the seats were filled, Eddie began getting drinks for the tables as they waited for the opening number of the night. Eddie had no idea what to expect but was just as excited to see the performances as the attendees. After a while, the lights dimmed and the opening to Diamonds Are a Girls Best Friend by Marylin Monroe.

A kiss on the hand

May be quite continental

But diamonds are a girl's best friend

A kiss may be grand

But it won't pay the rental

On your humble flat

Or help you at the automat

Men grow cold

As girls grow old

And we all lose our charms in the end

But square-cut or pear-shaped

These rocks don't lose their shape

Diamonds are a girl's best friend

Back at the bar, Joyce and Robin could be found watching Eddie as he worked.

“Isn’t that the guy that was backstage yesterday?” Joyce asked

“I think so?” Robin replied

“Hey Steve, what’s he doing here?” Joyce called out to him.

Steve’s face flushed a bit red at this, but he replied nonetheless

“He really wanted a job and so…he’s our new waiter”

“And when did I make you the head of personnel?” Joyce joked with Steve

“He just picked up a tray and started working,” Steve said with a shrug, face still flushed

“Really?” Robin asked, her eyes bugging slightly out of her head

“Well, his name is Eddie” Steve replied sheepishly.

“Eddie” Joyce repeated before calling out to the man in question

“Hey Eddie”

Eddie waltzed over to the bar nervous as to what Joyce had to say, would she be super upset? Would she fire him on the spot? He couldn’t lose this job, he just got it and based on the look on her face, she meant business. As he got closer, however, her face softened before she spoke.

“The uniform looks nice on you but roll up your sleeves you look too formal. Also, put up your hair you got a cute face so don’t hide it”

Eddie flushed and hoped the lighting would hide his blush. He had been told he was hot before by the men he had hooked up with, but he had never been called cute, especially not by a motherly type; it was nice.

“Also, don’t ever go behind my back again,” Joyce said more stern

“Yes ma’am” Eddie replied, and he felt like saluting but figured that it would not bode well.

“And don’t ever call me ma’am again” Joyce huffed

“Yes sir, I mean ma’am, I mean…Joyce” Eddie fumbled. Damn, he was doing bad at this.

“Get on the floor” Joyce joked before patting Eddie along.

-

The performance continued and Marilyn sang:

Tiffany's

Cartier

Black Starr

Frost Gorham

Talk to me Harry Winston

Tell me all about it

As the lead dancer ripped jewels from the other dancers’ bodies. Eddie watched mesmerized, slowly picking up the steps to the dance and dancing along as he went from table to table getting drink orders. He was pulled away from watching when a man’s voice spoke.

“Excuse me, Dewar’s rocks and a bottle of your best champagne for the table…and oh, will you tell Billy that I’m here”

“Any you are…?” Eddie asked, especially since this man clearly had money and no manner when it came to introducing himself.

“A member since ’91, Henry Creel. And you are?” Henry asked

“Eddie” He replied

“Eddie" Henry parroted back

-

Meanwhile, as Eddie waited tables, Robin had made her way backstage to make sure the performance was going alright and that she could help with any malfunctions and costume changes to come. As she watched, she was made aware of a presence once he came crashing up to her.

“I’m here,” Billy said

“You’re late, you’re late for a very important date, Vickie went on for you” Robin chuckled because of course Billy expected the club to wait on him.

Billy then looked between the beaded curtains at Vickie before he spotted Eddie and turned to Robin.

“What is that waiter doing here, I want that bitch out now” Billy exclaimed angrily.

“What did he ever do to you?” She asked

“He said I have no dick” he pouted

Robin just laughed before replying

“That can’t be the first time that’s happened”

Billy just gave her an angry look before turning to look up at the lighting guy and saying:

“Get my spot”

“Billy, what are you doing!” Robin exclaimed, trying to stop Billy but it was too late, he had already stepped out onto the stage and to reel him back in would just disrupt the performance.

-

Eddie watched as the dancer from yesterday, Billy, stepped on the stage and began to fight for the spotlight over the original lead dancer.

There may come a time

When a lass needs a lawyer

But diamonds are a girl's best friend

There may come a time

When a hard-boiled employer

Thinks you're awful nice

But get that ice or else no dice

Of course, Billy was like this. Eddie had encountered people like this before who needed everything to be about them, and Billy seemed just the type to do that. He pushed and shoved his way in front of the other dancer and the poor girl did her best to adapt to the situation.

-

 As the number came to an end Eddie found himself back at the bar watching and imagining himself in the place of the lead dancer.

Diamonds

Diamonds

I don't mean rhinestones

But diamonds are a girl's best

Best friend

He would sing and the crowd would go wild, clapping, throwing flowers for him, and overall cheering his name. “Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!”

“Eddie! Eddie, what do you need?” Steve asked, snapping and pulling Eddie away from the daydream he was having

“Dewars rocks and a bottle of Dom” He began

“And keep it coming” Steve finished

“So, he’s a regular” Eddie questioned

“Henry Creel, real estate guy. Dating Billy. This week at least” Steve answered.

Good to know that Steve and seemingly the club were not homophobic because that might have become a problem at some point but Eddie was more focused on how the dancers got to soak in the applause and bask in the moment. He turned to Steve.

“I wanna be up there, I wanna do that”

“Question is, do you have the talent?” he asked

“I do” Eddie replied

“Are you sure?” Steve asked

“Yes!” Eddie replied with a grin

“Positive?” He asked with a smile of his own

“Yeah!” Eddie said, grin getting bigger

“Good because you’re on” Steve replied with a smile before pushing a tray of drinks towards Eddie.

His smile dropped pretty quickly after picking up the tray of drinks and he huffed an annoyed sigh.

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Taglist:

@irregular-child

[red-airhead]

【Ｍｅｄｄｌｅ Ａｂｏｕｔ】 C h O n e : P l a n e t M i r o h

⭐︎ IN COLLABORATION WITH @jonespicy

⭐︎ PAIRING: HYUNJIN X READER

⭐︎ WORD COUNT: 1,020

⭐︎ WARNINGS: crying, pet names (darling), mentions of a technical miscarriage, dirty jokes (1), home sickness,

⭐︎ SYNPOSIS: after finding out about her boyfriends more alien side in the bedroom and exploring it, he further explains the normal things on his homeworld that are considered taboo on Earth. Especially with his seven friends.

Being a scientist meant taking risks, so when you ‘bred’ with Hyunjin, you expected that his egg would actually live. 

Unfortunately for either of you, the egg didn’t take, and the way Hyunjin cried for a little more than a few hours made you want to try and find ways to actually have an alien child.

You spent the next couple of nights trying to find his home planet, and to see if you could study the female reproductive system, see what you were actually missing, the reason why the egg couldn’t take.

Soon days began to blend with nights, pulling all nighters after all nighters. It made Hyunjin worry more than anything, that at one point he had to drag you from your lab.

“Just one more look and I’ll come to—“ He quickly cut you off, refraining you from carrying on.

“You haven’t slept since you walked into this lab, you look sickly darling..” Hyunjin muttered, walking over to where you were sitting and squatting down to your level. “What are you even doing in here? I thought you didn’t need to do any research for a little while..”

“I’ve been.. since we found out the egg didn’t take— I’ve just— I’m..” you couldn’t seem to find the words with the way he looked at you with such worry, “it’s nothing..”

He sighed at the way you tried to brush it off, gently reaching to cup your cheek, “You can be honest with me, y’know? You don’t have to hide away..”

You knew you could be honest with him, you just felt more or less worried he’d find it concerning you’re spending all your nights looking for answers.

After a few moments of contemplating and silence, you sighed and decided to give in.

“I’ve been trying to find your home planet.. I knew that if I could find it, I could learn about the female reproductive system but I haven’t found a single thing.. it’s like your planet isn’t even in our solar system..” you showed him the amount of writing you had done after countless nights of research.

“That’s because it isn’t.. when I first crashed on earth, it wasn’t exactly what I wanted.. I was going to Saturn, but a meteor hit my ship and directed me towards earth. Meeting friends on Saturn isn’t exactly the smartest thing to do..” he joked towards the end, looking at you with a soft smile, “but when I crashed on earth, and when I saw you for the first time, it was like that meteor was meant to hit..”

You watched his facial features shift, the way his expression changed as he tried to find the right words, “but your ship is wrecked now, and you can’t go home..”

“I don’t think I want to go home, not after I met you.” He admitted, sitting up to pull you close and press a loving kiss to your lips.

That kiss was held for a little while before you pulled away, “You’re so sweet, Hyune..” you smiled at him, nuzzling your nose against his.

“And you're sweeter.. you taste sweet too.” He teased a smirk on his face, making you flush and look away.

“Anyway.. You said your planet isn’t in the solar system?” He asked, turning to your digital map of space itself. 

He hummed in response, grabbing a nearby stool to sit next to you, “Yeah, you guys would call it exoplanet.” He hummed out, looking at all of your research with fascination.

“What’s it called? Have we discovered it yet?” You quickly turned to him, expression now begging for answers.

“Gliese 581g, that’s the planet, or that’s what you call it at least.”

“What is the real name of Gliese 581g?”

“Miroh.” He replied, pulling up the images of his planet.

“Wow.. Plante Miroh.. It’s very similar to earth—“ you looked at Hyunjin with a deadpan expression.

“Well, remember when I told you our species is similar to humans? That’s the reason why.” He explained, now getting off of the stool and typing in some of his own knowledge about his planet.

“No humans have visited before?”

“Nope, and I don’t think they ever will..”

You frowned at the way he sounded so sad about it, “What if I wanna go?”

“You can’t, my ship is wrecked and I haven’t talked to my friends for almost months now. We’re too far to communicate..” Hyunjin did seem very sad about his friends, and the way it seemed like he was just about to cry made it even worse.

“I could make a machine? Maybe?”

“It’s pointless, and very difficult. We’re light-years away from Miroh..” he huffed, watching your hand cup his cheek and wipe away any stray tears.

“There’s always hope..” You reassured him, pressing a kiss to his forehead before turning to your laptop and beginning to look for ways to get radio frequencies from space.

“I think if there’s a way to cut into radio frequencies like connecting to a ship, maybe we could reach them. There could be a lucky chance they're on their ship and you could talk to them, maybe it’ll be your chance to go home.” You were so determined to get answers that you didn’t even realize that he was looking at you with a saddened expression.

“If I go home then I won’t be with you. I don’t want to leave without you.” He was automatically straight forward and you didn’t know what hurt more, the way he was practically begging you or the way that you didn’t want him to leave without you as well.

Pausing on your research you sigh gently, running a hand through your slightly tangled hair, thinking for a moment.

“Then I’ll go with you. I know that it’s technically dangerous but if you want me to go so badly then I will.” You watched as his face lit up, and you couldn’t help but smile at him. 

Quickly, he went to pepper you in kisses, “Yes! You won’t regret it I promise you..”

“Well then, the mission to contact your friends is a go.”

⇤ m.list | next ⇥

series tags: @collisiion @queenmea604 @binnies-minsung-fanclub @stolasisyourparent @zandra-42 @saintriots @soobery @chartrucewhore @nobody3210 @warren-thedarkangel @hanjingin

[xstevex-world]

(Part 1 of the pop star Chrissy AU)

“So what you’re saying is that you are 100% positive that I’ve spent my day with, not only an actual, real life international pop sensation; but the same Chrissy Cunningham that you have been fangirling over since senior year of high school?”

Robin hears Steve groan on the other end of the line. She can't blame him though, she’s made him explain her exact situation to her 3 times over.

“Yes Robin, that’s definitely her,” he sighs.

Robin falls back down on her bed, she can’t believe this. If she had been honest with herself, that entire day felt like a fever dream, a fantasy she had conjued up from weeks of sheer boredom. It was hard to ignore, the feeling that her day shared with her was a one time thing, especially after Chrissy apologetically declined to meet up with her the next day, saying she had to do work stuff.

Thinking about it, in retrospect, the signs were there. She had absolutely talked about how she worked in music and had been travelling a lot with it recently - yeah, Robin thought she was probably in a small band or was a session musician by the way she talked so casually about it.

But this? Shit, this whole situation she's found herself in? it’s like something out of those stupid romance novels her mom and Steve like talk about.

She always had it in her head that pop stars were meant to be over the top and flashy, but Chris just seamed so…sweet. She was listened to robin ramble on and on about everything and nothing, laughed loudly at her terrible jokes before giving her perspective or talking all about her own experiences

And when she smiled? She radiated happiness and joy as if she was the personification of the sun. There would be an etching of that smile in her brain for the rest of Robin's life.

“Robin!”’ His voices takes her out of her trace, grounding her in reality. “Are you still there?”

“Yeah,” is all she mandages to say.

“So you have two options,” Steve explains, and gods, she wishes he was here so she could at least see his eyes roll at her obvious awkwardness.

“The first is you just ignore that this whole meeting ever happened,” which, yeah is she absolutely not doing. Even if she never got to meet Chrissy again, at least she would still have the memory of meetng that deity of a human being.

“Or?” She asks, hoping that even 3637 miles away, Steve would be able to bring her down from her wild panic.

“Or; you listen to me and go see her.”

Steve has always been rather blunt, it’s what Robin likes so much about him. He tells her exactly what he means, no in between meaning to his statements.

“She’s playing a concert tomorrow night in the city, it’s probably why she said she couldn’t hang out tomorrow, she has sound checks and rehearsals and stuff," he explained, as if he knew her entire schedule (what was she kidding, he probably did.) "I'm going to get you a ticket, so you go to see her tomorrow night, enjoy the show, take a photo and dm her telling her how good her performance was, ok?”

He makes it sound so simple.

“But what if I go and do all this and it turns out that-“

“She’s straight? Robs, she’s very open about being bisexual-“

“No, dingus!” She yells into the receiver, running her hand through her hair. “What if I read the entire thing wrong and she was just being nice? I’m famously not good at reading the room and, for all I know, she could have thought this was just all a friendly thing that we have going? Like, listen to me Steve, I’m me, and if she’s the same pop sensation that you’ve talked drones about for as long as I’ve known you then what could she gain with a romantic endeavour with me? She could have anyone and not the person who she met yesterday who’s…”

“Who’s what, robs?”

She can’t answer that, knows if she says what she wants to that Steve will deny it, but she knows who she is - she’s annoying, too much all the time and knows that logically she wouldn’t be anyone’s first choice in friend, let alone girlfriend.

Sometimes she thinks it’s a miracle that Steve has been her friend for as long as he has.

“I know what you’re thinking,” he interrupts her inner monologue, voice softer than she’s used to with him. “But you have to stop thinking that you’re not good enough. The only person who’s allowed to talk shit about my best friend is me…and probably Erica, but I think she thinks you’re too cool to actually insult you much.”

Robins audibly snorts, falling back onto her bed.

As hard as it was being away from her family and the rest of their little friend groupd, the thing she misses the most is Steve. She was so used to having her platonic soulmate with her at all times, ready to latch onto for whatever the reason may be.

And right now? She could really use a hug, pecifically one from Steve "The Hair" Harrington.

“Robs, just trust me, she wouldn’t have spend they day following you around Paris is she wasn’t completely gone for you - she would have been at Disneyland with Corroded Coffin getting pictures with Darth Vader and shouting about how it's a capitalist utopia while eating the churros…" he pauses momentarily, and robin knows exactly what he's going to ask next. "...actually, speaking of, did she-?"

“Talk about Eddie Munson? Well, considering that I didn’t know that it was the same Eddie that you’ve had a raging boner over for the past year despite the fact-"

“Robin!”

“It’s true!” She yells, face now beaming from her laughter. “I’ll make you a deal, Stevie, if you plan works then I’ll put in a good word with Chrissy for you, she’s bound to know what gonna bring you into Munson’s raider-"

“Robin, stop!”

"-because I have some stories, Steve, and you’re lucky I was listening because if I didn’t like Chrissy so much I know wouldn’t remember, which would suck for you because i now know a few rather scandalous stories about the guy-"

“ROBIN!” Steve shouts through the receiver, making robin jump. “Focus!”

She shuts up, smiling to herself.

“I wish you were here, dingus,” she admits, rolling onto her stomach. “At least you’d be able to help me out, maybe, if this works, make sure I don’t pass out in front of her.”

“Of course it’s going to work” he states with every syllable oozing that signature Harrington’s smugness. “But only if you wear those plaid pants you have, the ones that hug your thighs in all the right places-“

“Gross, dingus!”

But sure enough, she listens, but if Steve’s right about one thing it’s how to leave a lasting impression, especially in the “you look good” department.

So, the following evening, she dons blue, plaid pants with a plain black tank, slicks back her hair using whatever hair products Steve left during his last visit and makes up her face: brushing electric blue pigments onto her eyelids before smudging kohl against her waterline.

It takes her serval pep talks in the mirror to finally convince herself to actually leave the apartment, but she did it, managed to walk to the venue and wait, nursing her beer whilst leaning against the against the back wall.

Robin kind of regrets not tagging along to all the Chrissy Cunningham concerts that Steve invited her too in the past, maybe then she would know what to expect.

(Or, maybe then, she wouldn’t be in this exact situation, but who was she kidding, of course she would be, nothing straight forward ever happens to her).

The entire thing is overwhelming, the venue has been crowded since before she arrived, (since it was well after the opening act ended) which really isn’t her scene. She’s already nervous and her hands won't stop shaking and she's about to call it quits, text Steve that she'll pay him back for the tickets in actual money rather than their original plan and walk out the doors of the theater where she can crawl back into bed and scream into her pillow-

The lights dim, and everyone around starts screaming as the first notes of the synth play, Chrissy's voice carrying through the room.

Robin can't help but stare, she's so beautiful, stunningly gorgeous with the voice of an angel, she doesn't even notice the rest of the band join her one by one or the two dancers who have a hand on Chrissy's shoulder. She doesn't even realise the opening number has finished, can't pay attention to anything other than the cascading curls of chrissys hair, the way her body moves in one with the music, the same smile that struck her heart in the first place- the smile that shines brighter than any spotlight ever could.

She doesn't register much, barely hears anything other than Chrissy sing about new moons, staying when she shouldn't or sending her love to Wayne; songs she know she's probably heard before, probably from (just being in close proximity to steve Harrington), but none of that matters, shes memorised by her.

And when the final act is coming to a close, she almost misses it, but she can feel eyes on her even this far to the back of the crowd.

Robin only meets Eddie Munson’s eyes for a second, impossibly wide eyes staring her down in disbelief before seeing his cue to exit the stage. She almost drops her half-drank pint, a string of curses running through her head - but the whole interaction has her frozen. 

Her brain tells her to "RUN! GET OUT!" before it escalates any further, the churn of pure anxiety in her stomach reminding her that this was a stupid plan, she shouldn't have come. She cant do this, won't do this-

She leaves before lights go black.

⭐💘🎫🎤🎫💘⭐

So thank you all so much for the support on the first post, I was not expecting it to get traction buy you all loved it??? My heart is swelling omfg. Thank you for being patient with me with this part (I'm dyslexic and work full time, on top of just being very slow at producing, well, anything lol).

I'm hoping to have either 5 or 6 parts altogether if you guys keep enjoying it ((sorry not sorry to make you steddie fans sit through the Buckingham part first, Robin needs to get her girl!!!))

Shout out to my gf (who's not an st fan) for beta reading this with comments like "is Robin a useless lesbian?" Or "do they really say dingus in the show?" Or "wow, she really needs some loops!"

As a bonus treat, the concert playlist can be found here! Included are songs that represent or resemble the tracks on the set list of the gig that Robin goes too see (including the CCxCC material that would be played as the encore in the final three songs)

Taglist (if you wish to be added, I just ask you be polite about it x): @maya-custodios-dionach @papermachedragons @mildgendercrisis @vampiregirl1797 @lizard-dyk3 @hellomynameismoo @beckkthewreck @eboyawstenn @justmiiriam @gregre369 @korixae @victor-thee-corvid @yes-im-your-mom @bisexualdisastersworld @questionablequeeries

[vampiric-succulent]

OUAW EP 45:

Spoilers!!

“WHY DID WE DO THAT” yes Gricko why indeed

Bit quick to jump to nudity there Torbek

Gricko is just full of great ideas today

“You are familiar with mirages” THIS ALMIRAJ IS NO MIRAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nikkie: “You don’t really understand how this works” Mace/Gideon, immediately: “I know exactly how this works”

This desert is getting eerily intense

I love how they’re showing Torbek gaining control of the Witchlight and the Other

“Together, as a unit, as you do everything, you decide to tackle this next obstacle” ACK MY HEART I FUCKING LOVE FOUND FAMILY SHIT THIS IS SO GOOD

How are y’all interpreting Gricko’s monstrosity connection? Bc I’ve been doing it as like a really enthusiastic zoologist but what if he’s also a monsterfucker

Sorry that was a little unhinged and sudden but I think i might be right he does have a thing for monstrous women who could decimate him with one move

Anyways!

Love how Frost always wants to talk first but Gideon is immediately “IM GONNA GETCHU”

Gideon is going to oneshot this tricobra/cobydra if he keeps this up

“Two attacks on Frost” “no thankyou ❤️”

OH SHIT KREMY’S DICE MOVE HUNGER OF HADAR. HOLY FUCK.

Rich is so good at flavoring this spell and its effects

Mace/Gideon “Don’t roll max against me” and then Rich doesn’t— that’s Kremy employing Husband Privilege right there

What is the realm they are talking about?? Ghettei? Gehettei? Whatever realm they say Kremy is bringing with Hunger of Hadar

Goddamn that’s a lot of damage at once

Torbek and Gideon and Hootsie bro moment 😎

“Torbek accidentally Longscarfed him” 😭❤️

WHAT IS THIS FUCKING LIGHT?????????

Love how Nikkie just keeps repeating the generic desert description like an NPC in a game when you try to talk to them too much

HOLY SHIT okay 1. The immersion hell yeah 2. Why. Why is there a swamp here again. The swamp was supposed to be gone. There wasn’t supposed to be more swamp.

SERIOUSLY WHY IS THERE A SWAMP

“Blow on my dice” there is no heterosexual explanation for this

Now I have this horrible image in my head of Kremy pulling an Entrapta and going “I just need a little more time”

GRICKO DONT CALL TO MR GARU

“I am the thing that remains when the alphabet is gone” this is giving me such a good idea for a Tower of Babel campaign wait a minute

Ah yes just like the 1999 classic film The Mummy—- *I am forcibly removed from the stage*

It IS TIME!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY FUCK HES RIGHT

Is. Is the swoose sounding like Bavlorna on purpose. Is this a plot thing. Please this is so important—- Bc there’s an hourglass on the archway, so it has to be time and also maybe the voice is important— Oh. Okay. So not like Bavlorna.

What is the realization Andy is having???? Oh my god I need to know

Does the fact that this is Nekhbet and the lion-headed guardian mean Egyptian mythology at all influences this part of the story? And maybe the Hourglass Coven in some sort of way if this temple is here? Was this temple originally of the Hourglass Coven, or was it taken over???

The emotion in Mace’s storytelling is incredible and then he has a your mom joke. Alright.

Andy and Mikey’s reactions are beautiful things to watch

“We’ve been free ever since”

Fic idea: Kremy and Gideon get married and uh. Yknow Gricko’s entire thing about getting Pa Coal to come to one of Gideon’s weddings? Somehow that happens but it’s a really sad moment bc Pa Coal is dead so it’s an urn and Gideon gets to have a moment just talking to the urn

OH SHIT THE BIRTH OF THE HAGS?!?!??? Wait wait wait I have so many questions— to be made into a hag, do they need to find this temple first?? Does this temple somehow lead to the hag hut??? What is the thing that drinks the brew in the hag hut?????? How did that being come to exist???????? How is this temple connected to the thing that makes the hags???????? Is this a temple of time or of memories and records????

What is the process of making a hag??? Do all hags come about via this process????

Wait a minute. We had a white horse and rider statue, now we have a red one— if the next one is black then these are the riders of Baba Yaga and maybe that is who makes all the hags— like a sort of Mother Hag situation??

Frost is right, I think, this is also a story or situation or whatever about choice (esp bc of the swoose at the entrance)

I need a series which is just Gricko explaining everything that’s happened in the campaign in extreme detail

“We hit rock bottom and we picked up shoooveeeelllls.”

Ayo Bavlorna what the fuck— Endolyn’s story was terrible but this is another level

So these hags are not actually sisters then? Or are they sisters because they all come from the same source? (Whatever makes the hags)

Yuuuup I was right about the riders!!!!!

Idk why but Kremy’s story hits for me

Nikkie this is so impressive. Holy shit— this isn’t in the module. She wrote these backstories herself. Wow.

And the flipped time order of everything!!! And the Granny Nightshade symbolism

Wait blue roses??? Like the ones in Twig’s eyes???????

WHAT IF THIS IS THE KINGDOM OF HEARTS DESIRE WHAT IF THEY ARE AT THE DOOR RN

Andy what are you doing

Oh shit. Next is the fabled Episode 46. Ohhhh lord. What’s gonna happen………

How much time has passed for the Feywild while they’re in the material plane???

Gahhhh!!!! The lore!!!!!!!!!!!! So good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait okay there’s a connection to Prime but I haven’t watched Prime and it’s 91 episodes there’s no way I can watch all that rn but I NEED TO KNOW THE AVANTRIS LORE AND WHAT THE CONNECTION IS OMFG

So much happened!!!!! Holy fuck!!!!!!!!! And next is Episode 46 I’m gonna have my brain explode

[revserrayyu]

2.5 Xianzhou continuance thoughts [part 1]

**SPOILER warning** for everything covering the very beginning of the mission, the conversation down in the Shackling Prison & Jiaoqiu’s hostage situation. Keep in mind that I’ve already finished the entire story at the time of writing this and did slightly mention certain events that happen later on, so if you haven’t reached the end of the 2.5 story yet, I’m gonna suggest to come back later since I wouldn’t want to ruin your own experience by spoiling anything.

So right off the bat, I’m already unfocused as to what these npcs are talking about as I spy a certain General just chilling out in the background.

Sharing a meal? With Feixiao? Oh my~ Is this a date ma’am? If so then I accept!

I love it when characters have this unspoken trust in each other, like Huaiyan tells Yukong not to worry about Feixiao leading the wolf hunt and madam already knows quite well that her friend is going to be perfectly fine. Also, yay! More Yukong!

Jing Yuan recounts a short tale about a campaign he followed Jingliu on centuries ago and bruh.. what a slap in the face this is now. After all the times the previous patch mentioned her name and even teased us by showing “her” in the 2.5 story trailer.. and ice queen really never actually shows up! I’ve been played for a fool.

I’m pleased they at least made some more sense of Hoolay being trapped on the Luofu rather than the Yaoqing. I can imagine Jiaoqiu studying this beast endlessly trying to find a cure if he was made more accessible for the Foxians to visit. You should never devote all your efforts to one single thing, no matter how admirable and if Jing Yuan also meant poison in the literal sense then being around Hoolay so often would no doubt be dangerous.

I love how this “mistake” is perfectly placed in the foreground of this frame. And between the Trailblazer and Dan Heng, why did it have to be the latter who stayed behind for all this questioning? The boy has terrible memories of this place already, I’m sure he doesn’t wish to stay here a moment longer! Although with how sweet he was being to us last patch, I’m sure he offered to accompany Jing Yuan and Lingsha here just to spare us of any lingering danger.

A bit amusing and surprising that Dan Heng himself didn’t even know his memories were restored, but I guess it does shed some light on a problem I never really thought of until now? The Astral Express trio all have hidden backgrounds that we really weren’t aware of at the start. March and the Trailblazer simply don’t remember anything about their respective pasts and by all means, Dan Heng shouldn’t have know anything either since his hatching rebirth, but thanks to Lingsha’s mentor, he did learn about everything anyway. We were just kept in the dark until all the drama happened during our first Xianzhou adventure.

We skip on over to our precious hostage and thank heavens he’s still alive.. and giving advice on how to handle children who are picky eaters. I know he’s just stalling for time but surely there must be another way aside from joking around! He’s clever though, as this advice does come back into play later on with the poison.

Bro I thought leaving Penacony behind would save us from seeing the frightening red text again. Acheron really gave us ptsd with this.

So um.. I spoke to all the people the map told me too and picked the red text options out of habit and.. well, let’s just say those three people aren’t exactly doing too great right now. Yeah yeah Hoolay told us not to do anything sneaky and it was heavily implied that he had spies keeping an eye on us, but I didn’t actually think something terrible would happen!

After that display of cruelty, I decided to play it safe so that our dear healer wouldn’t end up as a pile of bones next.. but it’s not like that choice mattered I guess since Hoolay decides to harm him anyway! A true monster indeed. How dare he. Kudos to Jiaoqiu for not screaming out in pain though because I most definitely would’ve.

Right away I figured it was gonna be this moon heart that ends up being the cause of the final Feixiao boss fight and while that ended up being half true, it instilled immense panic in me without fail. Also, a brief side note.. how many of y’all are now fans of Hoolay after seeing this foxian form of his? It ain’t my cup of tea but I understand why some might fancy it enough to say "smash"."

Oh Moze.. good, sneaky and reliable shadow man. Thank you for watching eyes.

Damn, if she gave me this kind of smile before she ended my life I’d probably say thank you.

More lore, huzzah! Her voice was especially nice here. Oh, and I might as well mention it now, but THANK GOD Feixiao was voiced for this patch! I know her trailers were dubbed in JP and there was some pointless drama revolving around Anairis recently (none of those baseless assumptions I believed either, by the way), so I was very pleased to hear our General once again. At first I feared they could’ve made her silent like they did to Argenti in previous patches, to which I would’ve been so upset considering how much this patch revolved around Feixiao compared to Argenti who was just.. sorta there in Penacony, but thinking about it now, they most likely had everything for this patch recorded ages ago. So whatever the real reason for the JP dubs was, I don’t really care as all of Feixiao’s voice actors do a lovely job anyways. Anairis seems to have returned to twitter/x as well, so I’m glad she’s doing okay now.

Aww she cares! I mean, I knew she did of course, since we’ve seen how close of a bond the Yaoqing has, but to see more of it had me kicking my feet all giddy. So yes, if anyone’s wondering, the ending scene with the three of them together after the chaotic wolf hunt ended had me in shambles. But that’s for another post.

Okay so I’m like.. 99% sure this random npc line was voiced by Camden (Aventurine’s va). It’s not even because he just so happened to say “doctor” and how it instantly reminded me of the “doctor.. you’re huge” scene but I will admit it’s a funny, little coincidence.

I’ll be honest by saying that it took me a few seconds into this flashback to even realize that the person Jiaoqiu is saving right now is indeed Feixiao herself. I know the red accessory on her ear is in plain sight but the handsome foxian healer caught my eye first, okay? Poor guy though, learning from someone else that saving this girl is basically General Yueyu’s last wish. He’s supposed to be the General’s healer but not being able to save her life when she’s so determined to stay on the battlefield to protect the Cloudpeer Telescope (whatever the heck that is) must’ve hit him hard.

Being a healer is far from easy, especially when you devote your whole life to save people only to watch them charge back into battle and see them get injured again or worse, to not see them return at all. I know it was once mentioned in his drip marketing (or somewhere else, I can’t remember right now) that Jiaoqiu once had a broken heart, but instead of that being caused by one specific person in a relationship kind of sense, I feel like it’s a result of all the deaths he’s had to witness and endure as he tried to save several others over the years. All the effort and concern he had for all his patients effectively gone in an instant time and time again without fail.

Oohh noooo.. looking back at this line now and knowing fully well that he won’t be seeing anything anytime soon hurts so bad! I’m not really certain if his lost sight is a result from the poison he took or from Hoolay’s attack, but if it was caused by the latter because he didn’t want Jiaoqiu to see his defeat, the peaceful Wardance or a cured Feixiao, then that’s so cruel.. but a clever move on Hoolay’s part if anything. Still hate it though. (90% sure it was because of the posion after looking into things more)

Moze.. why didn’t you just stay on the roof?? Or at least hide inside a shadow somewhere if you really needed to get closer to hear the conversation? Seeing him stand out in the open like that is so silly. Oh, I also forget exactly when Hoolay bit the random civilian and turned him into a Borisin amidst the many flashbacks, but I’m not at all surprised the warhead is capable of doing such a thing. Definitely introduces another level of fear into this whole wolf hunt knowing that anyone could be changed into an enemy now.

Damn.. I can’t imagine how bad must Moze feel after being forced to abandon Jiaoqiu for a second time. The regret at the end of all this must be unbearable.

Alright, I’m gonna stop here for now. With the amount of screenshots I got left, I need.. three more posts to chat about everything else.

[pumpkinpie59]

random hot takes i have cause i’m bored and emotionally dead:

-i literally cannot stand any leo ship other than leolotus, especially if it involves 87 leonardo. i’m sorry but it has made me physically nauseous before. shipping as a joke or a small crush on someone else is fine but pls don’t bother me about other leo ships it’s too much for me. ((i won’t hate u if u ship other ships dw <3 i just ask not to be bothered by it)

-i’ve already ranted about this so i won’t go into depth but i hate the 2012 season 4 finale (moreso requiem than owari but owari still bothers me). i think in general? i think 2012’s writing is mindbogglingly bad after they leave the farmhouse in season 3, but that doesn’t mean i don’t still enjoy a lot of it. just don’t expect me to drop the issues that bother me. season 1 is my baby tho and i’ll defend it to my dying day.

-2012 apritello is good. they just had to go through character development. my only issue with it is that their entire situation was pushed to the background so ppl only notice their development if they’re paying attention to april and donnie the whole time (like i do).

-1987 treats its girl characters better than the other shows which is shocking.

-capril sucks. i have literally never liked it or was just neutral to it. i got close to liking them in idw but then casey became a jerk.

-that said i don’t like shipping casey or april with the turtles with the one exception of 2012 apritello.

-i think 03 casey and splinter are annoying.

-2012 casey is best casey :p

-2012 michelangelo pisses me off. he has some good lines here and there and sometimes has fun dynamics with other characters but in general he’s just an ableist representation of adhd and he literally never faces consequences for his mistakes and instead everything works out for him so he never grows. like literally he stays the same throughout the show. also i dislike his actor sorry :p and his entire dynamic with renet just ruins renet as a character and it bothers me.

-i forget rise exists most of the time tbh. it’s good but like. i forget. also rise leo and donnie’s writing bothers me anyway-

-1987 content needs to sTOP mischaracterizing raphael PLS PLS PLS. “michelangelo is the jokester and raphael groans at his jokes” NO!!! raphael is the jokester so he gets upset when his brothers make stupid jokes bc that’s HIS thing !!!!!! and he’s not angry in the same way other raphaels are except in red sky when he was angry that they became villains in society’s eyes!!! but otherwise he’s emotional and whiny but not angry!!!

-leonardo is best when he’s a dork. he wants to do the right thing but will be a frickin idiot about it but - oh wait buddy don’t do that no wait put the sword down hold on-

-the turtles should never have blue eyes but especially not michelangelo.

-ramona is great but it’s okay for them to just be friends too. either way they slay <3

-lotus blossom and jhanna are the most under appreciated characters in tmnt give them some respECT-

-i think howie should come back. not bc he’s a good character i just wanna see what would happen.

-i hate koya. so much.

-mondo/mikey makes me rlly uncomfortable. it feels exactly like leo/venus since they mutated in the same place so mondo feels like a long lost sibling …

-this is literally just my take and i don’t expect others to agree but like. the 1987 team is the only version of tmnt where i feel like every turtle is equally likable and works as a unit best. like i like 03, but i don’t especially get attached to mikey? he’s good but compared to the other 03 turtles he’s just not my fav. same with 2012 but more extreme since it has rlly good raph, donnie, and leo,, but like i said i really dislike mikey. and then i’m not rlly attached to the rise turtles except mikey. the 87 team tho is all great.

-while i rlly love rise casey, i think waiting to reveal she was casey was a bad idea. i think she should’ve been introduced as casey or should’ve been a different character,,,

-i like red sky but the last episode was a disappointment,, also where are all my fav side characters 😭

-the turtles should never be tall they will always be lil guys to me. they should be under 5 ft plsssss

-not a hot take just a hc that was recently revealed to me and i think it’s genius: the 5th turtle kirby (like from 90s concept art) should be the donatello clone from 1987. like hello??? that’s genius pls watch the clone donatello episode

-if i see yall reducing mm april to just be shipped with leo i will end yall.

-lotus blossom is an interesting character even without her connection to leonardo and i wish everyone would notice !!!!

-not a hot take but rob paulsen should be in every tmnt thing we should make it tradition.

[runawayprincesslily]

Summary: Your best friend returns after a long time and maybe the time you have been away made you realise a few things about your feelings towards him. Did it do the same for him?

Warnings: My first fanfic, NOT A BOOK READER, so events and misinformation could be a lot, Swearing

Pairings – Grover Underwood x reader, Annabeth x platonic!reader, Percy Jackson x platonic!reader

PART 1

“Did you know there’s a new kid in the camp? He killed a minotaur!” You heard a group of half-bloods loudly discuss this interesting news, way too loudly.

“Wait, is it- does he have a-” I looked at Annabeth hoping it was the kid who Grover went to protect. I haven’t spoken to Grover since he left, which was a few years ago. We both became close after Thalia, Luke, and Annabeth joined the camp. He told me about everything, he knew a lot. Listening to him talk about Pan and everything nature was my favorite activity to do. He would tell me about different creatures. He would tell me about herbs and their medicinal properties. Flowers and their meanings. Gods. And him. The last one was my favorite.

“yes he has a satyr protector, yes its Grover”

“Oh.” Grover. I had been waiting for him for so long, and now that I knew he was here I didn’t know what to do. What to say to him?

“are you not going to meet him? I thought you leave as soon as I said yes”

I laughed “I do want to meet him but he is probably tired, also he probably is going to show Percy around first”

“Percy?”

“it’s the new kid, Grover told me his name before he left.”

“Ah of course he did.”

“Do you think it could be him? I’ve seen you watching him.”

“Maybe.” Her gaze shifted to a boy standing near Chiron and Mr. D. I saw Grover run behind him. Grover. It was a little daunting to see him after this time. Like watching a movie, you loved as a kid, and were desperately hoping it was as good as it was before.

“You want to go to the woods? Or stalk him a little more?” Annabeth gave a death stare that shut me up. She was like a little sister to me. A dangerous one though.

I walked alone to the woods. There was a little canopy made by a few oak trees which I loved to sit beside. Grover helped me carve it to perfection and since his departure, it has been a space where I could feel at peace. Grover and I have been best friends, but it has almost felt like a breakup since he left. I’ve had my friends move away while I lived in the mortal world, and never see them again. This feels exactly like that. I just don’t want to feel like we are strangers, maybe this is why I’m running for him.

The bright sunlight peeks through the trees, and the wind rustles the leaves. It was a beautiful sight. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath soaking all of this in.

"Hey"

I didn't need to open my eyes to know who it was, I remember his voice well enough. "Grover. Hi."

"You still come here?" He sat down beside me.

"Of course I do, it's still my favorite place. People are so awfully loud in the camp." I looked at him, and I finally completed processing he was safe. For years I was worried something might happen to him.

"Percy killed a Minotaur."

"What?" I knew it. But I'd rather hear him tell me the whole story

"Yeah! he- I he killed a Minotaur. He lost his sword too mid-fight and he jumped on his back. Pulled off a horn on its head. I'm not even joking. I know this sounds like I'm making it up. The Ares Cabin does not believe he killed a Minotaur. Imagine telling them this story. Yeah, so he pulled off a horn, stabbed the monster, and killed it. Before that, he killed a Fury too. Like, this kid killed a Fury and a Minotaur in less than 24 hours." His eyes sparkled like they always did when he started rambling about something he enjoyed.

"Oh God, maybe this is the kid Annabeth has been waiting for. Did you keep the horn?"

"Of course I did, this doesn't happen very often now does it."

"No of course not which is why the whole camp found out about it two hours after you arrived."

"You knew about it?"

"That the kid killed a minotaur? yes, that he jumped on the monster's back and pulled off a horn and stabbed it to kill it? no"

We both looked at each other, Grover kept silent like he was hesitating to tell me something. "Tell me, Grover."

"What?"

"Whatever it is that you are thinking about."

"It's kind of deep and sad."

"Yeah, and I can only deal with rainbows and sunshine."

"Okay! So his mom, Minotaur got a hold of her and she disintegrated. You know, kind of like Furies do when they die. In no sense am I saying I have watched a mortal be killed by a Minotaur before? But it didn't seem....right. So I was thinking about it and maybe...."

"Hades."

"Yeah."

"Yeah you could be right, but it's a maybe. Just be careful whatever you do with this information." I looked at him, and I realized this was probably the first time I had looked at him since I realized I had fallen in love with him. "So you're not showing the kid around, that's like your favorite part."

"He doesn't want to see me."

"What? How's that possible, everyone loves you."

He laughed "I had to get him kicked out of the school, then his mom died cause i was getting him across."

"It was not your fault, and he will come around. If he doesn't then he is stupid."

He nodded "So what's up at camp. How's Annabeth? Luke?"

"Camp is the same, everyone's favorite part of the day is when Mr. D yells at someone. Chaos is everything. Annabeth is still on the watch for the kid that will go on the quest, which right now appears to be Percy. And Luke. Well, he found his glory, the best swordsman in camp."

"And you?"

"Me? I am spending my time switching between hobbies and talking to Annabeth. My uh siblings? I guess were helpful-"

"Siblings? Did you get claimed?"

"Oh yeah you left before that, ta-da i got claimed."

"WHAT? Who? No i want to guess! Uh- Athena?"

"Nope"

"Aphrodite?"

"Nope"

"Dionysus?"

"That was ONCE. GROVER. ONCE. I got drunk once and you are going to hold it over my head for eternity."

"But you drank a lot, A LOT. It took almost twice the amount of wine to get you drunk than what I saw Clarisse drink."

"Ugh Grover please don't- anyway back to-"

"ARTEMIS?"

"You really should stop guessing, I got claimed by Apollo"

"Wow, that makes sense."

"Your guesses were nowhere near it."

"How did you get claimed? And when?"

"She actually got claimed right here." Annabeth threw her arms around Grover.

"What? Really?" He looked from Annabeth to me.

"Actually not exactly here, but nearby. She saw it."

"She actually ran away from this spot so no one finds out about her quiet place. Well I came way too late, I saw the blinding light for half a second but she looked like she was made of gold."

"What were you doing to get claimed?"

"Nothing," Annabeth replied hastily.

"Nothing what do you mean nothing?"

"It's what she always says, she doesn't know what made Apollo claim her."

I have a fair idea of what might have made Apollo claim me, but it's far too embarrassing to even say it aloud. It was just a few months after Grover had left, and his absence had made me realize quite a few things. I realized I had fallen for him, and that maybe I might never see him again. Those few weeks were really hard on me. And Annabeth at that time was using her time to become a skillful warrior. This made me take a few skills and one of them involved guitar. It was an instrument I learned before camp and felt safe to pick up again. I would come out here every day and play a few tunes and leave I was far too scared that the children of Apollo the God of Music and Poetry might see. I felt insecure because of their talents and was content being my own audience. That day I had started humming along to a tune, unlike other days where I would stick to songs I had learned. I began to sing whatever came to mind, and as cheesy as it may sound it was Grover. I liked what I wrote and felt proud of it so I continued. As I developed further into the song, I was interrupted by Apollo who had claimed me. I immediately feared this would lure people into this quiet safe place so I bolted. I ditched my guitar behind a tree and made a run for it. People luckily only saw me quite a few miles away from the canopy. But I'm not gonna admit this to anyone. Everyone still thinks I have no capability except humming to songs very very quietly.

[nicascurls]

Strangeness and Charm - Part Five

Word Count: 2.3K

Summary: Season 1 AU where Andy and Kyle arrive at Charles Lee Ray’s old house before Tiffany leaves with Junior and Nica and ultimately save them. Set in 2017, two weeks after Cult since that's when the show was originally mentioned to be set and in my opinion, makes the most sense.

Notes: I did it! I've been caught up with Uni work recently and have exams over the next week but after that I should be free to write more! Yes, I did decide to keep Nathan Cross alive, mainly cause I absolutely despise Lexy's mother in the show and don't want to write her. Also, I had to bring up Andy being a bad driver again, I feel like that would be something brought up frequently amongst the siblings. XD

Tags: @streets-in-paradise @losersclubisms @cult-of-dollbabies @silvershewolf247 @cornerofhell

Before they knew it, Kyle was entering the house with Junior and Caroline in tow. The three made their way past the living room and into the kitchen where Andy and Nica were still sat.  

As they entered, Andy got up and made his way over to the kids, Nica following. 

Junior crouched down to Caroline's level before introducing them, "Caroline, this is Andy and Nica that we were telling you about. They're our friends, OK? They know about Chucky too and they can keep us safe."

"Chucky's bad." Caroline responds matter of factly. That statement alone caused a brief sense of calm to wash over the adults, with Andy hearing Nica breathe an audible sigh of relief behind him. At least they didn’t have to worry as much about Chucky trying to get Caroline to play any of his ‘games’. 

“Exactly, but they already know that and they can keep us safe from Chucky. That’s why we’re going to stay here with Nica,” Both Junior and Caroline looked at Nica as she gave Caroline a small wave which the young girl returned with a shy smile. "Whilst Andy and Kyle will go and help Lexy, Jake and Devon and then they’ll come back here too.” Caroline moved her gaze from Nica up to Andy before turning back to Junior in confusion, “But what about the movie? Me and Lexy were supposed to watch the movie with Mommy and Daddy.”

“I know Care, but we need to be here whilst they stop Chucky to make sure he doesn’t do anything bad there.”

“Maybe once Lexy and the others are back, you could watch the movie here?” Nica suggested, sitting forwards in her chair so she could talk to the girl, “It could be a special surprise for them since they are busy now.” Caroline, nodded eagerly at Nica, with a smile spreading across her face.

“Yeah, we could set up the living room whilst we wait for them.” Junior began to lead Caroline further into the house, “Come on, I'll show you where the blankets are, we could make a fort.”

Nica watched them disappear from sight with a small smile before turning back to the siblings. Kyle had now passed Andy a pair of leather gloves matching the ones that she now wore.

“We better get going,” Andy began “the longer the kids are alone, the more time Chucky has to fuck with them.” Nica gave a small nod of agreement.

“You sure you're gonna be okay with them?” Kyle was now facing Nica, gesturing to the living room where they could hear Junior entertaining Caroline.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. You guys definitely have the more difficult job.”

“I dunno about that, I’ve heard blanket fort construction can be pretty taxing stuff.” Andy’s joke caused Nica to smile wider before following them to the door, her nerves for the others beginning to grow.

"Junior gave me the number of the home phone so we will update you when we can." Kyle informed her, checking her gun once again.

“Good luck!” She called just before they closed the door but the siblings got the real message, ‘Please, none of you die.’ Nica took a final deep breath before turning around and wheeling herself over to join the two kids.

"The kids are hiding in the space behind the movie screen." Kyle still insisted on driving to the theatre so Andy was reading the messages from the kids to her and they made their way over. "There's no sign of Chucky or Tiffany from there but Tiffany had a doll with her when she first arrived."

"Right." The two siblings slipped back into a comfortable silence. Andy's mind began to drift back to his past encounters with Chucky, trying to save himself was one thing. That added with multiple kids, rather than just the one one like back at military school, needless to say it felt like much greater weight on his shoulders.

"-anything else?" Andy's head snapped up once he realised Kyle was speaking to him again.

"Sorry what?" 

"Nica. Did you find out anything more about Chucky from her?" 

"Not really, it's difficult for her to work out what's happened the past few weeks. The most intel she really has is the stuff Tiffany told her and that was all delusional bullshit about her liking Nica better than Chucky and calling them a non-traditional couple."

Andy looked over to see Kyle wearing a strong look of shock and disgust.

"Yeah," Andy responded to her expression "somehow Chucky managed to find someone even more deranged than him."

"So I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that's why Nica was so worried about Junior?"

"Uh huh." With that, Kyle pulled into the parking lot of the theatre, spotting the truck and then Tiffany's car. Good. At least they knew they were still here rather than causing chaos somewhere else.

"You head to the kids, I'll catch up." Kyle instructed, heading in the opposite direction.

"Why? What are you doing?"

"Just trust me on this. I have a plan to make sure he and Tiffany stay put. I'll be there before you know it."

Andy gave a sigh and began to move toward the theatre entrance, "Fine, just don't get killed. Please." He saw Kyle give a thumbs up before moving to meet the kids.

Upon entering, he turned and headed down a corridor to the side. The walls looked bleak and neglected, definitely an area of the building that the guests weren’t meant to see. Andy took in his surroundings as he slowly made his way down the corridor, reaching for his gun so he could have it ready. There were too many shadows, too many places for Chucky to hide.

As he made it towards the end and was met with a door on his right, he deemed it safe to call out, “Kids?” The sound echoed around the empty space for a moment before he heard a voice travel from the left turn at the very end of the corridor.

“Andy? Is that you?”  He quickly made his way toward the sound and was met with the three teens as he rounded the corner. Andy let out a breath he wasn’t aware he had been holding and put the gun away.

“Are you three alright?” 

“Yeah, we’re okay. Where’s Kyle?” Jake responded quickly.

“She had a plan to make sure Chucky and Tiffany don’t go anywhere else. She’ll be here soon. Have you seen either of them?”

Devon turned to Lexy who was keeping a watchful eye on the crowd from the side of the screen, especially her parents, before turning to Devon and informing him with a shake of her head. “Not at the moment, just the guests for the movie.”

“I told dad Caroline didn’t want to watch the movie and I would keep an eye on her, so at least that’s handled for now.” Lexy added.

“Chucky’s got to have something else planned, Tiffany wouldn't have had a doll unless there was some part of the plan we don’t know about.”

“Yeah, and the truck would have already left.” Kyle added entering the room. “At least we know Tiffany won’t be now.”

Andy turned to his sister with an intrigued expression, “What did you do?” 

“Just fixed the engine of her car… So, it won’t start.” Both siblings gave a smirk as Lexy looked at Kyle with fascination. “How did you do that?”

“She has a vintage car, sure it looks cool but it's easy as hell to get into without a key.” 

They were interrupted as a scream pierced the air, soon followed by more and the sound of panicked footsteps. 

"Shit!" Andy cried as the five of them began to head to the front of the building to access the cinema itself. 

All of them were soon fighting against the hysterical crowd forcing their way out of the building. As they continued to force themselves in the opposite direction, Lexy turned her head and was able to spot her mother safely outside. But not her father. That was when Devon turned and saw Lexy frozen, he gently grabbed her arm and pulled her with him. "Lexy, come on. The best way to make sure they are safe is to stop Chucky." That got her moving again and they both followed the other three into the now, mostly empty room. That's when Lexy heard Jake's voice, "Mr Cross?!" Lexy looked up to see her dad trying to hobble out of the room, blood pouring from one of his legs.

"Dad!" Lexy cried as she ran over to him and put one of his arms over her shoulders.

"Lexy?" 

"Dad, it's gonna be okay. We can get you help, we'll get you to hospital-"

"Lexy," Her dad said again.

"Caroline's safe, Junior's watching her and-"

"Lexy, what about you?" Lexy stopped her rambling and looked at her dad.

"Are you safe?"

Lexy looked at him with tears forming in her eyes, suddenly the reality of what Chucky did to her friends became all too real for her. "Yeah, I'll be fine dad. I just need you to be too."

Kyle made her way to the other side of the man and helped him move and turned to Lexy, "Come on, there are ambulances outside."

That was when it dawned on Andy, where Chucky must be. He quickly signalled to the boys, letting them know where the doll was and the two teens crouched down and looked under the seats, with Andy holding his gun ready. Jake suddenly caught a glimpse of the ginger doll running toward the aisle and Lexy and Kyle helping Nathan out.

"Lexy! He's coming, go!" He called out to them and they quickly picked up the pace and disappeared out of the door.

Andy caught sight of the red hair and ran towards him as he began to retreat and scurry between the seats once again.

All in all, the face off was over far sooner than Chucky anticipated. He never wanted the kids to find out who Andy was or what he knew. Needless to say the team up of two of the kids he targeted and and the first kid he terrorised as a doll was far to much for only one of him to handle, bringing Jake's asshole of a father into the conversation and insulting his boyfriend went too far and Jake ended up killing the doll with is own bare hands. Needless to say Andy was thoroughly impressed by how both boys handled the situation. It had been taken care of by the time Kyle and Lexy returned. 

Lexy herself was looking a bit better, calmed down by the fact that her father was on the way to hospital with her mother.  They all took a minute to catch their breaths before moving on to the next part of the plan. 

“Okay, what are we gonna do about the truck?” Kyle asked as they made their way to the front of the building.

“I’ve got it covered.” Andy responded in an instant.

“What? You’re gonna commandeer the truck?” Kyle chuckled, clearly meaning it as a joke and then quickly went silent when Andy didn’t join in. “You can’t be serious.”

“Have you got a better plan when it comes to getting rid of 72 Chucky’s without causing suspicion?”

“With your driving?!”

“For fuck sake, this again?!”

“Yes, this again!”

“Okay, by your logic would you rather my driving be used to transport 72 Killer dolls or three living teens?” Kyle stayed quiet for a few seconds before giving in, “Fine, but Andy I swear you better be back at the house before tomorrow.”

“Yes, mom.” he responded sarcastically before sneaking over to the truck as Kyle ushered the kids back into the car.

The three teens watched with fascination from the back windscreen as Andy knocked out the driver and threw him out of the vehicle before driving past Tiffany and giving her the middle finger.

“Awesome!” Devon exclaimed as they heard Tiffany scream in frustration and fail to start her car, as the car they were in began to speed off. 

It was around 15 minutes later that they arrived back at the Wheeler's house, inside Caroline was gleefully adding the finishing touches to the fort, Junior had even ventured into the attic to find some fairy lights from the Christmas decorations for her. The distraction was more than welcome for him, the living room had made him feel far too miserable since his mother died. For the time being he was in the kitchen with Nica, helping to prepare snacks after getting a call from Kyle letting them know that they were on their way back.

“Care?” Lexy called out as the four of them walked through the door. “Lexy!” the girl called out as she ran past Nica in order to meet her sister, followed quickly in tow by Junior.

Nica then made her way to join the rest of them as Caroline excitedly explained to her sister and the rest of the teens about what they had been up to and the plan for the rest of the night. She looked around, amused by the girl’s enthusiasm before realising the absence of one person.

“Where’s Andy?” She asked, doing her best to mask the panic in her voice.

“He’s taking care of the truck of dolls, he promised to be back here before tomorrow.” Kyle informed her, “Don’t worry, if he isn’t i'm gonna go and drag him back here myself.”

“Oh, I wanna see that!” Junior called from the living room, causing everyone to chuckle.

“Anyway, he’ll be fine.” Kyle confirmed. 

That’s when Nica heard it, ‘Unless one of me gets to him first.’ ‘Shut up, Chucky.’ 

“Nica, come on. The movie is gonna start.” Junior called to her from the living room.

[winderlylandchime]

THEY GOT THE SHIRTS! I repeat, they got the shirts!! They made us call them on zoom first thing in the morning and when they answered, my mom was holding up the shirts and my dad was just staring at the camera. And my brother who was wearing it went ‘TWINSIES!’ Before anyone could even get a word out. Our mom said there’s no way she’s wearing it because what will the neighbors think, the reply ‘that you care about Brian’ is not the correct answer if anybody wondered. They then again said they will not wear them, to which he immediately went ‘oh so what your saying is that you don’t love me?’ Our dad threatened to disown him to which my brother went ‘I’m 36!’ And my mom lifted the shirt up and went ‘exactly.’ Our mom thinks he needs more therapy to which he said ‘i have (his therapists name)!!’ And my dad immediately went ‘maybe the poor guy is not qualified enough for you.’ Also while trying to convince them to wear the shirts he accidentally revealed that he ripped his stitches cause of the show and they immediately got angry at both of us and threatened to give our numbers out to the sales people that call them and when I asked what did i do, my dad went ‘guilty by association!!!’ All three then continued to argue about random shit until my brother suddenly went ‘i think we all lost focus of what this meeting was about and that is *at this point my dad yelled at him ‘dont you dare point to that damn shirt’ and my brother in the same second pointed to his shirt* BRIAN’ Also a little bts to understand just how over him my dad is cause of the shirt: my brother has 4 friends that our parents basically “adopted” bc either their families aren’t around or they suck. And one day as a joke he said i was his favorite (it was after my brother got a tattoo of a pickle wearing a shirt that says ‘i <3 (his name)) so ever since then their (him + his friends who got matching tattoos) contact names in his phone are ‘not (my name) #1-5’ and then whenever one of them pisses him off he just changes their ranking (so if my brother is #2 -he’s never made it that far up btw- and annoys him he changes it to #5 and the #5 becomes #2) and then he sends them a screenshot in their groupchat. They all care more about that ranking than anything else. So while we were talking on zoom, my brother out of nowhere goes ‘dad why did you text m- NOOOOOOOOOOOOO OH COME ON THATS NOT FAIR I DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHING!!’ and then shows me the text and it’s a screenshot of his contacts where he changed his name from ‘not (my name) #5’ to his actual name. And all of his friends immediately replied ‘holy shit dude, what did you do? That’s a first’ And as a little sister, i am finding so much joy in this, it has been the most fun I’ve had in months. So that’s what you’ve missed on the episode of My Brother is an Idiot. I do feel like I should say that our parents are actually really amazing and very fun (there’s a reason why all our friends hang out at their house even when we aren’t there) but also I’m sure you all can tell by now that my brother is a special kind of dumbass and they are both over it.

OH MY GOD DEAR SWEET ANON. I am about to start work for today and thank goodness I don't wear mascara because the tears streaming down my cheeks. (Please universe - deliver unto me a client like Brother Anon)

Your parents sound awesome and like they have a great sense of humor. I'm sure they are worried about your brother because of his surgery and not being able to be there with him. The QAF business is just what they can focus on. Also he's a bit unhinged by non-fandom standards. By fandom and tumblr standards, he's just fine. But wow, taking him out of the ranking entirely? Low blow, dad, low blow.

Speaking of the fandom - we are very eager to hear what your brother thinks about Carnivale and the false accusation and "there's nothing noble about being poor."

[boysplanetrecaps]

Boys Planet, Episode 7 Recap Part 6: Not Spring, Love, or Cherry Blossoms

Ok, let’s tackle the next song from Episode 7 -- Not Spring, Love or Cherry Blossoms, originally by High4 and IU, and performed by three kind of underdog trainees. Click Read more or Keep reading or do whatever you gotta do, and let’s talk about this performance. 

At 1:18:19 of Episode 7, Huta calls up the next team, and everyone gushes over how nice they look. But the judges are worried, because these trainees are low skilled and/or low ranked.

They introduce themselves with some aegyo stuff, and almost immediately we cut back in time to rehearsal. So, as a reminder, our little sakura flowers are: 

Trainee name (rank)   Star Level test /Challenge 1 /age final star level

Lee Da Eul (13) Replay /Danger - K /18 🚫

Bak Do Ha (24) My House (Blue) /Hot Sauce - K /20 🚫

Jung I Chan (52) Mirotic /Danger - K /20 ⭐⭐

When we saw them in episode six, MNET gave them exactly one minute of screen time and used most of it to mock their past performances. You probably recognize all of them, but if you don’t, you’ll be given a recap of how I-chan lived his nightmare on stage in episode 4 and how Bak Doha is lowkey the laughing stock of SK right now, but like, in a good way. 

It’s also important to remember how Lee Da Eul really came across like a jerk when he refused to give up his main rapper position in Danger, and implied that since he had chosen the team, that their purpose was to support him as he excelled. I didn’t take it well, and I get the impression that other people didn’t either. I don’t think, for the record, that this is evil editing. Lee Da Eul really said that, and all MNET did was show it. Up until that point he’d been their darling, and only benefited from their editing, so it would be weird for them to turn on him for no reason at all. Nope, he said that stuff.  

But as irritating as it was, and as irritated as I was at the time, I’ve made the choice to forgive DaEul. He’s just a kid, and being so highly ranked at the beginning made him feel a little big for his britches. I wouldn’t want to be held responsible for dumb shit I said when I was 18 or 19, that’s for sure. So, let’s see what DaEul does with his second chance.   

So yeah, we pick up with the rehearsal, and Onestar, the younger male vocal trainer, is openly mocking the team, sarcastically calling them The Avengers. The trainees have kind of no choice but to laugh along as they’re being insulted by the adults who they depend on. Sigh. Then we get a recap of all their past terrible singing. 

The judges ask how Bak Doha ended up with the killing part, and we go to a flashback-within-a-flashback: part distribution. I-Chan, who as we will learn really does have a lovely singing voice and at least some understanding of music, tries to make the best he can of the situation, and distributes the parts as fairly and reasonably as possible considering that neither of his teammates can really sing. He seems pretty relaxed in his confessionals -- he doesn’t expect much from his team, but is still trying to do his best. 

Their part distribution is super “fair” -- I-Chan and DaEual are Main Vocal and Main Rapper respectively, and Doha has the killing part. Doha jokes that he’s happy to finally be able to put a star sticker on his shirt, after being a no-star this whole time. But if you look closely at his confessional he’s not wearing a star sticker. Hmm.

Back to rehearsal, where the boys run through the song. Wow, sometimes we catch a few moments of I-chan singing and it’s really great. He’s wearing an eyepatch, and when we see him in the interviews that eye looks a little red and swollen. I guess it’s just a sty, but those usually take two weeks to heal and this one seems to heal faster than that, because he doesn't end up performing with an eyepatch on.

Anyway, the judges don’t have much nice to say about their singing or performing, that we see. Instead, the judges focus in on part distribution. The boys say that they distributed the parts based on who they thought would do each part best. Bobby gives the confusing advice: “I think it’d be better to focus on your own color.” What the heck does that mean? I assume they talked more about it because it seems that the boys understand, but I sure don’t. 

In any case, the upshot seems to be that they need to redistribute the parts. They take the killing part from Doha and give it to Daeul, and Doha kind of cheerfully mourns the loss of the only star sticker he ever got. 

Then they give the main rapper position to Doha, taking it from Daeul. It seems like a good trade, really. When there’s only three of you on stage, the killing part doesn’t matter nearly as much. 

Also, Bak Doha seems like a really put-together guy with a good sense of proportion. He doesn’t get super upset about losing the killing part, but he’s honest enough to admit that it bugs him a little. It’s the worst when someone is like “really it’s fine!” and you know it is NOT fine. Instead, he makes it into a joke so people feel comfortable but it’s not this *secret*. 

In the interview, Daul murmurs that he’ll do his best with the Killing Part. Really, he’s barely audible. He always was kind of soft-spoken in interviews, but it’s kind of ridiculous at this point. Why are you whispering, Daul? Though I think we’ll sort of figure it out as the episode progresses.  

Now Bak Doha needs to write a rap, and says it’s hard, like he’s gathering dragon balls. I’m not making that up -- that’s what he says. Aww, Doha, why are you so lovable? Please go into acting. You can bring some of that lovability to set. Imagine Doha as the lead in a rom-com drama? I can see it. In any case, Doha stays up late at night to try to write his rap -- aww! Well, I never said he wasn’t hard working, because he obviously is. 

At dress rehearsal, the stage is decorated to look like a cute living room, and Doha jokes, “in the end, we ended up at My House.” All the judges laugh. I appreciate the self-deprecating humor -- I really hope it helps ward off embarrassment. I don’t want either of the Houses to wake up in the middle of the night for 10 years, feeling embarrassed. That’s what I do. Just, everything I’ve ever done, ever, on a random rotating carousel of embarrassment that spins past my eyes every time I try to sleep. Sigh. 

The judges also note that they like Doha’s speaking voice -- again, it’s almost as if Doha should go into ACTING? Doha’s rapping is basically what used to be called “sing talking.” As ph-1 notes, it’s utterly without swag, and yet somehow it’s nice to listen to. It’s the male version of the way Dahyun from Twice and Irene from Red Velvet rap. 

The performance

Link

The song basically is about someone who has barely noticed that it’s spring -- everyone around her is obsessed with the cherry blossoms and spring and love, but she’s alone, so she doesn’t want to talk about those things. So the lyrics are actually a little sad, as much as everyone implies that the song is relaxing or sweet.

Doha’s rap per this video:

There was nothing special, the drama ending was obvious anyway. It’s like a trauma repeated every day. What story do you want in the season ending soon? Not spring, love, or cherry blossoms, stop talking nonsense. Ay the world is second to none, not getting tired of it, spring full of warmth like a sweet dream, I need that, that it’s you.  

My take:

First off, stylist noona, you know that quote by Coco Chanel, “Before you send your trainees out on stage, take one giant bow off of them”? I think that’s how the quote goes, right? Anyway.

My goodness, but I-chan has a great voice. It’s textured, cleanly on pitch, just nice to listen to. He must have been sick or something during the first challenge mission, because it doesn’t even seem like the same person singing. He still has the same basic problem, though: his facial expressions. I-chan doesn’t have to smile like TaeRae to be a good stage performer, but he has to make eye contact with the camera and smile at least some of the time. He looks either kind of blank or sort of unhappy the whole time, and often turned away physically from the audience and camera. He either needs to practice facial expression in the mirror, or he needs to look into singing for OSTs or something. But really, he does have a great voice, and I’m so glad he had this second chance to show everyone what he can do. Good work, I-chan. 

DaEul and Doha have both improved their vocals markedly since when we first met them. It’s really a testament to the power of good vocal instruction that Doha can even find the note, since early on he really showed signs of being completely tone deaf. Neither is someone whose voice I’d specifically seek out to listen to, but both did a decent job. Doha’s talk-rapping works in its own way, which again shows why he should go into acting. And DaEul is well suited to this lighter, cuter concept. 

I think if I’d had that A/B button thing to press, I would have pressed A for all of them, since they all did what they set out to do. If I could only pick one, it’d be I-chan, of course. 

The edit: 

The edit is kind to all of them. The reactions from the judges, trainees, and audience all convince you that they’re good. Also, I love how LipJ just straight up wants to boink almost all the trainees. Get down with yourself, LipJ. 

The voting:

Oh, here’s where it happens. 

So, they’re going to reveal the third place person first, and when they see that the vote count for it is only 387 votes, Daul says, “It think it’s me.” 

Aww, jeez. 

The show doesn’t address it at all, no one actually says it out loud, but we, watching at home, know that the in-studio audience was just punishing him for that shit he pulled during Danger, and oof, and you can see that he’s just sort of… lifeless about it. Like, this is what’s happening, and he can’t do anything about it, now that everyone hates him. He just has to deal with it. His fall from grace was so hard and so sudden that it must feel almost unreal to him.

And you can see that both I-chan and Doha are on his side -- they both probably kind of knew that this would happen and they both are here to support him. Aww, poor kid. 

I don’t really follow BP news or gossip online because I’m usually behind and I don’t like to get spoiled, and the news will just pop up on my phone randomly if I start reading stuff about it online, so it’s just better to stay away. But I assume a lot of people felt the way I did when I was recapping Danger, and now they all hate Daeul. It kind of makes sense now why he’s been so subdued over this episode. That’s gotta really, really hurt, no matter whether he “deserves” it or not. I don’t know when anyone really “deserves” to be dogpiled by strangers on the internet. I mean, yeah, I wasn’t super kind to him in my recaps, but I also wasn’t sending him death threats. Jeez, people. 

I don’t hate Daeul. I hate how he behaved, and still strongly believe that that was not evil editing.  But I don’t hate him. I’m not that sorry that he fell in the rankings, because he isn’t as skilled as the other trainees, and if there is only a limited number of seats available, then I’d rather that they go to someone more deserving. But I do feel sad that the backlash he got was almost certainly not appropriate for his "crime." I don't know him, but it looks like he's internalized what happened and hopefully learned from it. I hope it doesn't haunt him forever.

In his interview, he says, “really, I…”, then exhales. Then the editors put him in slow motion for half a second so they can get a clean cut before he starts to speak again. I don’t know what he would have said, but whatever it was, MNET has decided not to let us hear it.

I do know what his pinned comment on his fancam says, though (filtered through google translate, of course): 

hello!! This is 🌕 Lee Da-eul 🌕 from the ""Spring is here but why am I alone"" class who came to take an introduction to love studies other than spring love and cherry blossoms!

First of all, thank you so much to all of you who came to see my fancam, which is still lacking! I have only this moment to tell my story to those who like me, so I think every word is precious to me!

Last time, I mainly listened to rap on BTS seniors' Danger stage, so this time, 'You can do vocals on a sweet and cute stage!' In order to make you think, I chose a stage other than spring, love, and cherry blossoms!

I promise myself every day that I only want to show a good side of myself, but there are things that are not delivered to the fans the way I want, so I feel bad that both the fans have had a hard time. I promise to always show my true self, and I would be grateful if the fans would clear up any misunderstandings and trust me!

Thanks to those who believe in me and love me as I am, I think I can endure and keep running! In order to repay that expectation, I will think only of you, think about, practice, and work hard for you! Haha, are you too lazy! I'm sorry that I only talked about myself too much!

Even if it's lacking, I will continue to make Lee Da-eul better than before!

Thank you with all my heart to all the people who support me who take care of my life. Make sure to get a good night's sleep, eat well, and eat a little late-night snack..! Condition management is really important..! Until the day we see you again next time, I hope you are healthy and full of good things! If it's short, it's short, if it's long, thank you for reading the long article! i love you!!

Bak Doha’s comment on his own fan cam is:

hello everyone ! I am Bak Do-ha, a class of 22, who is going to see our cherry blossoms 🌸 who is retaking the Introduction to Love Studies class this semester. I'm writing this at the point where it's been less than 5 hours since I finished the stage, not just in the spring of love and cherry blossoms, and the memory of meeting you guys is still vivid. The memory of today will never be forgotten in the future. Thank you guys 🤍

To be honest, I had a lot of worries while preparing for this mission. Uh,,, I always had a lot of worries, but this time I think it was a bit harsh. Starting from worrying about whether I can join this mission without being eliminated, what position and what song should I choose to show you a better image... Among them, I think I was most concerned about my own musical talent. I want to do well, so I'm putting in a lot of effort, but to be honest, I'm not good at dancing, singing, or rapping haha,,,🥲 So, even if I survived, I was really worried about whether I would be able to solve the given mission well. While I was spending time thinking about it, I was so thankful that I was able to prepare for the 2nd mission with an undeserved ranking, and I chose the song ‘Not Spring, Love, Cherry Blossoms’.

I thought I could best express this song with a warm atmosphere, and the dance seemed to show a little bit of growth in the first mission, Hot Sauce, so this time I wanted to show you singing and rapping. So while preparing for this stage, I practiced singing hard and wrote rap lyrics, so I pressed down the message I wanted to convey to you all. But writing rap lyrics was a lot harder than I thought... ,I felt the pain of creation for the first time😂 It took me 3 days to write 8 words in an attempt to convey a message with a sense of rhythm and rhyme.

We successfully showed our growth in dancing, singing, and rapping, so even if we get eliminated now, it's not okay,,,! I want to survive more and show you more diverse sides..!

Anyway, from the 3rd mission, only your choices determine whether or not to survive, and the song is also selected, so I'm thinking that in the 3rd mission, I have to show you what you want to see! (I want to sing a song with a sexy mood. Whisper whisper🤫) If you are curious about what I will show you on the 3rd mission stage, I think you can vote for Bak Do-ha on Mnet Plus.😉

Lastly, I am very, very grateful to those who came to see the performance today. Thanks to your support, I gained a lot of motivation☺ I am really grateful to those who couldn’t come today and to those who support me from afar!-! Then I hope to see you again next time and I will finish writing this article. I love you guys sincerely :)

I-chan’s comment is:

Hello Star Creators!!!! I am Jeong Yi-chan, a class of 23, who took the Introduction to Love Studies class this semester! first!!! Thank you so much for coming into my fancam video 🙇‍♂ How did you see the stage "other than love this spring?" It was a stage that was all the more meaningful because it was a stage where I was able to barely survive with 52nd place at the last ranking announcement ceremony! I failed to manage my condition in the first contest last time, so I only wanted to show a better image in the second contest, and I was also very worried. but !! Thanks to Doha and Daul who are proud together, and to the star creators who believe in us!!! I was able to overcome it with strength!! I was really happy for about 3 minutes while performing this stage and received a lot of good energy! thank you. I really prepared with the thought that this was the last stage, and I want to tell you that even if it was the last stage, I really enjoyed being with you all! Also, if you listen to our song!!!! I wish you happiness! therefore! Always, I hope you don’t get sick and only be happy and full of fun things. I hope that the coming spring will be filled with only love. ఇ

Anyway, back to the episode. The winner is, of course, I-chan, with 730 votes. It’s well deserved -- this was a vocal performance and he brought really beautiful vocals. 

Hey, wait, check it out - that’s the same window with the set of broken blinds on it that we see in the judges’ room. So apparently they use this room to film the judges reactions, and then later on rearrange it to cram all the trainees in and have them take turns facing their fates. MNET, you keep showing us this huge building -- what are all those rooms for? Are they just pajama storage, or what? Anyway.

I-chan gets the final word, interviewing that this performance was an opportunity to make up for the shame of the previous performance. I think it was a little more than that, I-chan. I don’t really love the song -- it’s pretty, but just a little boring for my taste -- but I’m going to seek out your music and give it a shot. 

As always, thanks for reading! Have a good day, maintain your condition, and I'll see you in the next one (Butterfly).