#I’ve heard of trans guys who have been on T for a long time using it and those who have had phallo but… 🤷🏻‍♂️

[angelsarecomputers]

first dose of HRT got delivered with a couple packets of sildenafil on the side. like thanks I guess?

anyway I’m fucking ecstatic cause I’m doing my first shot tonight, may 31st. can’t fucking wait!!!!

[ugly-anarchist]

Alright, anon, I'm not posting your messages in 3 different posts so lets just break this down here

[Indented text is the anon message. This is going to be long as hell]

butch women and trans men are not oppressed for being masculine, they’re oppressed for being gender nonconforming females (not saying trans men are women, just stating how a patriarchal society sees them).

So, firstly, the thing I'm talking about isn't actually oppression on a systemic level. You're talking about how non-queer society sees us, I'm talking about how other queer people treat us. Butch lesbians have been pushed out of sapphic spaces for a loooong time. Butch lesbians are seen as scary, mean, violent, and inherently abusive within queer spaces. Which stems from a demonization of masculinity. I should know this. I identified as a butch bisexual sapphic for years. I know what this feels like. I was once told that people with "high T levels" are more likely to be abusive, which includes me because I'm intersex and have naturally high T.

Secondly, maybe don't try to define trans men's oppression for them? I'm not a trans guy either but I experience a lot of the same bullshit from society that they do and it's not just "being a gender non-conforming female" it's a lot more complex than that. And also just, in general, a very weird way to say it.

i’ve never heard a masc cis gay man complain about being welcome or not in queer spaces, to the point in which feminine cis gay men have complained about them writing “no sissies, masc4masc” in their bio on dating apps.

I have. I've heard plenty of stories about masc gay men and specifically bi men in queer spaces feeling very unwelcome because they were being treated like a threat. And some gay men being transphobic (because s*ssy is a transmisogynistic slur in this case) or having a preference for other mascs also isn't indicative of mascs being treated well?

Like I know a lot of butch4butches that have that preference specifically because they feel unwelcome or are treated badly by femmes. I don't know how you personally not hearing about it or what some people put on their dating profile proves here.

Also your complete lack of acknowledgement of bi men in this makes me doubt even more that your perspective on this is a valid one because that tells me you either don't know any bi men or you ignore them to such an extent that you forgot they existed.

claiming misandry or anti-masculinity exists is the same as saying that heterophobia exists because straight trans people are treated like shit.

Never said that misandry on its own exists, don't know where you got that.

People are treated like shit based on the fact that they are masc all the time. That is a thing that happens. I have experienced it, I've heard so many stories from other queer people who experience it. I don't know how saying "no you don't, I'm gonna tell you what you really experience" is at all an alright thing to do.

it’s not heterophobia, it’s transphobia/homophobia. in the same way that masc afab people being treated terribly is misogyny and homophobia, and has literally zero to do with misandry/��anti-masculinity”. if anti-masculinity or misandry existed, even straight cis heterosexual men would suffer from it.

So, like, I'm talking about anti-masculinity in the queer community. "If this is true here then it must be true with this different thing" is a really bad argument because you could use that to invalidate anything that is true.

For example: The definition of racism is "prejudice based on race" which technically that definition doesn't exclude white people but you don't see anyone arguing "if racism existed, even white people would suffer from it" or trying to say it's not really about race just to exclude white people. Like, obviously you can't be racist to white people and anyone who claims you can be is just making a bad-faith argument. I am looking pointedly at you when I say that, btw.

also, a lot of radfems are gender nonconforming women/butches and literally campaign for women to drop conformity to the patriarchal concept of femininity. gender critical conservatives are not radical feminists and y’all need to stop conflating the two because no matter what jk rowling says, in practice and in theory, they have very little to do with one another (and hate each other, at that).

There's actually two sides of the "radfem" spectrum and they're both just as bad. There's the ones who hate gender non-conforming women, specifically the ones who go on HRT, and claim they're gender traitors. And then there's the ones which you describe who usually shame women for liking feminine things. Both their beliefs usually go against the whole purpose of gender-nonconformity which is to be yourself and do what makes you happy, society be damned. People who are truly GNC don't judge others for presenting in a way that is typically considered "conforming" to their gender and don't campaign for other people to be like them?

Also... Are you defending radical feminism? Are you a radfem? Because that would make a whole lotta sense.

and one last thing,

Just so you know, this is how this anon began the final message. It is the longest one. Really said "one last thing" then sent me a whole 4 paragraphs.

please stop acting like “people who are attracted to men” are demonized in queer spaces, what a slap in the face to lesbians. the moment they have a little visibility y’all claim they are privileged and somehow bossing around/discriminating against gay men.

Never said that lesbians were the oppressor in this situation. There is no oppressor, it's fully lateral mistreatment. And like.. it's not about just gay men.

Bi women have been pushed out of and demonized within sapphic spaces for decades, actually. I should know. Because again. I'm a bi sapphic. We are seen as a range of things. Pretenders, abusers, invaders, the source of lesbian oppression, tricksters that try to force lesbians to fuck men, or just disgusting. Traitors. Again.

My own mother knows this because before she married my dad she was in sapphic spaces in the 90s. From her personal accounts, bi women were seen as the enemy and a lot of lesbians... weren't even lesbians. They were political lesbians. Women who rejected their attraction to men and only dated other women. Some of them were even straight. And they were considered more of lesbians than bi women were.

Even in the modern age, bi women are expected to shit on their own sexuality. They are expected to say "ew I hate that I like men" and never date or fuck a man to be accepted in queer spaces. Again, I know this because I'M LITERALLY BI.

gay men are literally the face of this community and continually disrespect sapphic/lesbians (see the billie lyric controversy, see the way they’re treating chappel roan, see the way they keep calling women b*tches with no regards on whether we like it or not, see the way they keep fraternizing with straight women that would literally cower in fear if they saw a butch lesbian in real life).

Yeah so misogynistic gay men are in fact a problem but I'm not talking about strictly gay men. I'm talking about the way masculine perceived traits are demonized within queer circles. Come on. I'm pretty sure cis gay men were barely talked about in my original post, why are you fixating on this so hard?

just because somebody who has literally no power over gay men whatsoever and has been traumatized by men her whole life airs out her frustration with her literal lifelong oppressors via tweet or tumblr post, doesn’t mean that suddenly the patriarchy doesn’t exist anymore and has not armed lesbians especially for the past thousands of years.

So I'm talking about the people telling me I'm inherently abusive or more likely to assault people based on the fact that I have high T levels... I'm not talking about people venting about their abuse at the hands of men.

I also never said the patriarchy doesn't exist... I feel like this message isn't about me anyone.

stop painting them as the mean bosses of the community when actually they are a very small, demonized minority who suffers every day at the hands of anyone in the world who likes men (straight women, gay men, even bi women like me).

Fascinating... So... I'm not doing that. Lesbians are not the "mean bosses" of the community. Some are just treating random people shitty for perceived masculine traits with no bearing on truth or reality. A lot of them aren't even lesbians. Like I never said this was a specifically lesbian issue. I said there was a problem in the community in general. So like... all people... not just lesbians.

Also, genuine question: How are you oppressing lesbians for being bi?

it’s such a warped, harmful view and a big stereotype, at that (lesbians are man-haters who hate women’s boyfriends!! what a progressive statement!! never has it been said before, and especially not by homophobic conservatives).

I mean I just didn't say that. I don't know how to respond to this because I just straight up didn't say that.

I just... This isn't about me anymore is it?

Who hurt you?

have some respect for once, a lesbian literally threw the first brick at Stonewall.

So... uh... we don't actually know for 100% certain who threw the first brick. Some say it was Marsha P. Johnson. Some say it was "gay street kids". Even if it was a lesbian... so? Just because one lesbian did a good thing doesn't mean other lesbians are incapable of being dicks to other people?

Idk, man, I never said that lesbians were the source of all evil. I just made a post about my own personal experiences and the experiences of people I know and have seen being talked about. I'm a bi, intersex, non-binary sapphic. I get shit on for the things that people perceive as masculine traits that I have and the fact that I like men. This happens a lot.

I don't know why me saying "hey please stop implying that there is something in my blood that makes me inherently abusive" is lesbophobic. Why is this about lesbians, actually? You made it about lesbians. Why are you using lesbians, a group you've stated you're not a part of, as a gotcha against me? Why are you using lesbians to silence me about my own experiences? Why is that okay?

[artinvain]

hii! i was wondering what you believe being a lesbian means? i’ve heard a lot of people say women loving women, afab loving afab, nonmen loving nonmen, etc. i only realized that i was a lesbian recently and im trying to understand more about the community beyond typical femme and masc standards.

congratulations on your beautiful realisation. coming out as a lesbian saved my life!! I hope you’re doing fab💖

whew this is a rough one just because there’s so much to be said. I know I don’t speak for the entirety of the lesbian community but from what I’ve seen irl, in my university studies and on the internet this is what I personally believe. and I think this may help as I this is how I went on my journey and have seen this for many other lesbians :)) 🥰🥰

so I’ve always known I was a lesbian. from like 5-10 when we first interact with romantic interests (I know it started young for me - long story), I was wanted to be around girls, hold them, touch them, when I saw women on tv I wanted to kiss them - be the guy they kissed (this is all known retrospectively).

when my mom started to ask me about who I would marry one day (of course she inserted a man bc I grew up in a religious house hold), I told her I wanted a man who was as handsome as an actor, as rich as bill gates (I had no concept of money ok) and spent time travelling (so we wouldn’t have to be together).

when she asked me if I wouldn’t be lonely I told her “of course not” because I would be with my best friends (all women) 24/7.

I then went on to push this narrative, told boys I couldn’t date them because I was Sabin myself for jesus and my unattainable husband. I touched my best friends “too much”, I knew I wanted to kiss them but kept praying the feeling would go away.

when I got to university I moved in with my older gay sibling (thank god) who has many queer friends, pan women, trans men, bi men! they were all soft and gentle and welcoming. I realised there was nothing scary or unholy about such a loving community.

so when the romantic feelings for women started to seep though again. I didn’t stop it. and then it was overwhelming and I realised I never wanted to be around or with men anyway, I had always been hiding this love inside me.

so I started getting into queer basics by dating and what I learnt in my gender studies courses.

for me lesbians understand me inherently without having to say a word (black lesbians specifically) but this goes for general sapphics as well (sometimes).

Because lesbians are socialised as women and or black and poc people, we don’t have to rediscover the systematic dynamics of oppression and patriarchy in our relationship because we both have grappled with that and it’s so easy to speak about and we understand that those ideas don’t pertain to us. we share the same special love for each other, something deeper than what can be explained with words.

“I know you,” is how it feels. the energy, time and love to learn and keep learning about your partner. growing in the same parallel lanes. I know her body, the lesbian body because it is also mine in a way.

so yeah as you can tell I love a good les4les and I looove a good deeply sapphic woman!!!

Lesbians have carved out our own slice of identity by creating a culture and partaking in a gender and sexuality that has been made outside of the patriarchy and the male gaze.

I do know a lot of trans masculine people identify with the lesbian community because some of these lesbians who are more butch and masc leaning sometimes decide to take t, have top surgery for example.

I know a lot of the transmasc people in my life who used to be lesbian are in a transitional space out of the community and into one that better suits them and where they are understood by other queer transmen. but they’ll never completely have no connection to the lesbian community, because that’s where they were socialised for most of their lives, it’s the community they’ll helped build. So they’ll always be a loving ally. A part of the family.

however many lesbians do not like to be with people who identify as men especially if they socially transition because it can cause a shift in dynamics, when one partner is now benefitting from the patriarchy on the basis of passing for example. Others believe it is disrespectful to date transmen and call themselves lesbians because for them lesbian is a specifically feminine aligned word and that feels invalidating to the trans man’s identity (and many trans men feel the same).

So yeah — there are too many nuances to count. But if you want to make it easy for yourself!? Think about what you want, what you are attracted to and what you like. really hone in on that and be comfortable with yourself in your lesbian identity, read some books on it, hell read some lesbian smut to get comfortable in the pleasure that is lesbianism. It’s about what you like and go about it kindly xx (and be smart and safe please)

Also often people will say that trans women can’t be lesbians but if you know that gender expression and sexuality are different things then you know that isn’t true :))

Ummm yeah that’s what I think at least 👁️👄👁️

[jasper-dracona]

Yeah here’s the thing, it just changes your voice. Which. For many people seeking HRT, is exactly what we asked for. Cue this @sweatermuppet post

And look, like with any change there’s gonna be an awkward middle stage where your voice isn’t that deep yet but sometimes it is and sometimes it’s higher and you can’t hit that middle ground you used to be able to and and and. But that isn’t forever.

And on top of those things, singing is a SKILL. You will likely have to relearn some stuff, and re-train your muscles for how to do everything right for it’s new sorta situation, but it can be learned!

In contrast to OP’s experience, I was told growing up that I had my dad’s singing voice. This was intended as a light jab, and honestly mostly at my dad, but my family failed to realize that it sounded like a deep insult to both of us. I honestly still think it was deeply unkind to both of us, but anyway, suffices to say I was convinced I was incapable of singing well for a very long time.

When I was a teenager, some coaxing from my Auntie taught me that you should sing poorly, it’s good for you, and some stuff about how to get better if I wanted to. This helped change my mindset and let me sing in the car again, but didn’t really convince me I was much better. I was still utterly petrified of the fact that I didn’t sound how I did in my head, and therefore, how could I ever be confident I actually sounded good? Because to me, what I heard when I recorded my voice and played it back made me so viscerally uncomfortable I felt like no one would ever want to hear that make any more noise than it had to. So I almost never sang in front of anyone, definitely not in front of anyone I didn’t trust deeply.

It was only when, in university, I met this lovely trans girl who loves music, and prog rock in particular, that I would start to feel better about singing for real. I started trying to sing lower, I started practicing regularly, she helped me to catch subtleties I couldn’t yet hear. Oh, and she also helped me figure out I was a trans guy!

I’ve been on T for 6 months now, and I’ve done a tiny bit of voice training, and this is the best I’ve ever felt about my voice in my entire goddamn life. I can’t wait to see how deep my voice gets and how much better my singing becomes as I continue. Testosterone gave me a singing voice I am willing to show to other people. I mean fuck, I went to karaoke and sang a fucking QUEEN SONG a little while back (obv I didn’t have the full range because holy fuck, but I did damn well considering what range I do have).

…

So, with both ends of the pre-transition singing experience now given examples in this post, let’s take another look at the initial fear-mongering we’re talking about.

“Testosterone will ruin your singing voice”

Well now, where else have I heard that word “ruin” used in this context before, it feels very familiar… oh that’s right! Every transphobe’s argument against gender-affirming-anything I’ve ever heard! “Testosterone will ruin your chest,” “Estrogen will ruin your ability to get hard,” “why would you ruin your body by getting top surgery?,” “Testosterone will ruin your skin,” etc.

Transphobes think everything we do to our bodies to make them our own is ruining them, it’s all mutilation and irreversible butchering to their eyes. To them, change is ruin, regardless of how positive the outcome of that change is, or how much it is desired.

So yeah, ask yourself: Is this person speaking from a place of actual concern for your current or future wellbeing? If yes, then there are some misconceptions to be cleared up and some serious conversations to be had, but it’ll be alright. If no, then don’t fucking listen to them. Someone else can clutch their pearls as much as they want about the changes you desire for yourself, but don’t let them scare you, and don’t let them change your mind.

Never let someone else’s idea of you or your future, or their projected desires for themselves, hold you hostage.

i am SO sick of the fearmongering around T and how it will affect your singing voice. i have been singing since i was a kid. i mean i have been singing as long as i could talk, i was once in an all girls choir, i was the youngest person in my churches choir when i was, like, 8. i never had much confidence in my voice because i sounded like a girl, which led me to singing less, which led me to sounding worse. before i started T i was SO worried that it would ruin my beautiful feminine singing voice.

but the difference is like night and day. i sound SO much better than i did pre-T. i can sing without hating myself. i sound like a man and i can sing

and yea maybe i’m no longer and 8 year old soprano. but i can sing and listen to myself and not want to die and isn’t that fucking wonderful?

[tealslimes]

Roe VS Wade affects transsexual men, gendered, and non-binary more than just pregnancy.

It affects those who get their T from Planned Parenthood.

It affects what’s going to happen to getting hysterectomies and other gender and sex confirming surgeries. Specially for trans men and non-binary individuals.

It affects how dysphoria would take in place if forced to carry a child and how it changes the body. Including making it more feminine in outer looks. I also hear so many varying takes on T and pregnancy. That it’s not possible as long as you take your T regularly from more than one doctor. So many don’t want to prescribe birth control because it could mess with T levels and as long as you use condoms your fine. It’s not as easy to find another doctor either who will. I’ve also heard of guys getting pregnant still being on T. And I’ve heard of guys getting off of it having been on it for years to have a baby and their eggs are still viable and have perfectly healthy babies.

As much as this makes me so grossly dysphoric and want to jump out of my skin. It does affect me. But I feel like if I say anything I’ll just be shut down and risk my manhood at the same time.

[softtransbf]

Fresh Blood, Old Scars Part 1

You'd disappeared 15 years ago without a trace- what's Yancy supposed to do when you walk into Happy Trails Penitentiary and don't recognize him, because he's transitioned? canon compliant trans!yancy/reader

Reader: he/him trans man, no physical description

Rating: T

Warnings: mentions of violence, canonical and parental. deadnaming and misgendering before either of you came out (none by anyone who knows the correct name/pronouns)

Word Count: 2,690

“Hey Yancy, I heard there’s fresh blood comin’ in today for some sorta museum heist.”

“Oh? Know anything else about these guys, so we can give ‘em a proper welcome, Bambam?”

“I know some. The first guy, Mark Iplier, claimed to have been in charge of the whole thing, but from what my sources said, it’s the partner that ran the show- just real quiet-like. I’ve been told that he don’t say a word.”

“Got a name for this, uh, silent partner?” He chuckled at his joke.

“Y/N L/N.” Yancy’s stomach dropped the way it always did when he heard that last name, your last name. Get your shit together. Wrong first name, and Bambam said he and his. Bambam don’t use pronouns other than they/them unless they’re sure. It’s just some guy with the same last name.

“Yance, you okay?” Tiny waved his hand in front of Yancy’s face.

“Yeah, yeah, just, uh, thinkin about how best to greet dese guys. The usual, wit Don’t Wanna Be Free ready just in case?”

“Right off the bat? You really think they’re that high of a flight risk?” Sparkles finally spoke up.

“I, uh, I don’t trust dem silent-types. They’s always schemin’, got somethin goin ahn in their heads.” And if he's anything like- yeah. Gone before you know it.

“Okay, if you say so. I’ll go let the others know.” Yancy didn’t even register who was speaking; he was too lost in memories.

- 15 years earlier-

Yancy knew it wasn’t cool to be excited for the first day of school when you’re a senior in high school, but he didn’t care. He didn’t need or even want to be cool- all he needed was to be your friend. Well, maybe not just friend. You’d been gone for almost the entire summer, and he’d spent the whole time figuring out how to both ask you out and tell you that he’s a guy.

He practically skipped across the street to your house so you can walk to school together, like you had every day since middle school. He knocked- nothing. Rang the doorbell- still nothing. He checked the back door and the spots where you had hidden spare keys over the years- nothing. All the curtains were drawn, too, so he couldn’t see inside. He kept trying as long as he possibly could before he had to sprint to make it to class just barely in time. All day, he kept an eye on the door, waiting for you- the two of you made sure to sign up for the exact same schedule before you went on your vacation. At lunch, he went to the office to see what he could find out.

“Y/DN isn’t a student here anymore- Mr L/N just told us last week.”

“What? Do you know where they went?”

“I’m sorry, hon, I don’t. All I know is that Y/DN is no longer a student here.”

He’d never ditched a class in his life, but that was the last thing on his mind as he ran home, crying. He didn’t stop crying for weeks.

-Present -

He’d never wanted to be wrong more in his life, but there you were. Looking better than he’d ever dreamed, following Mark around silently as he blabbered on about wanting to rally the other inmates to try to break out. No. I lost you once, and it cost me everything. I’m not about to lose you again. He quickly spread the word to skip pleasantries with the new guys and prepare for the song. As he was, you made eye contact with him from across the room. His heart dropped; you didn’t recognize him. You looked right through him, with the same calculating expression you gave everyone else. Of course he wasn’t gonna recognize you, dumbass. You’ve been on hormones for years and have had top surgery. Usually Yancy loved that he couldn’t see anything of the person he used to be in the mirror, but today he hated it more than anything in the world. Stick to the plan, Yance. He doesn’t recognize me, but it might be better this way. This way, I can get him to stay and get to know me as I am now, and he won’t be disappointed that I haven’t become anything like what we dreamed of so long ago.

Yancy couldn’t have planned it better, Mark practically begging Jimmy to punch him through the wall right before the show started, leaving you alone.

The number went great, as always, but then you showed him a picture of your parents. He knew that picture; you took it when the four of you went on a vacation together before you started your freshman year of high school. He also knew that he had once been in the picture, but you’d cut him out. The tape and staples that had been holding his heart together since you left fell away.

He stuck with his usual response to people citing family for wanting to leave, for the most part. No one at Happy Trails knew about you, and he’d killed his parents before they could leave him, so he’d kept his true abandonment issues to himself. Face to face with you after all these years, though, he couldn’t stop himself from adding “they’re always just gonna leave you behind” and a warning about trifling with the past. You flinched a little at both of those, and a spark of hope ignited in his chest- maybe you hadn’t forgotten about him, even if you didn’t recognize him now.

Then you still chose to leave. The rest of the rather single-sided conversation was a blur to him. Later, as he was tending to his injuries in solitary, he remembered calling you handsome and/or beautiful and your blush when he did. And, of course, you knocking him flat on his ass. He’d challenged you to a fight, because he’d always been able to beat you before. The part that truly left him confused, though, was why he offered to help you break out.

All he’d wanted for the last fifteen years was to go back to the day you left and beg you to stay. He’d told himself dozens, maybe hundreds, of times that if he ever saw you again, he’d do everything in his power to keep you with him. On his darker and angrier days, he truly meant everything. But here you are, and he offered to help you leave. This is what you get for even hoping someone might stick around. Let’s just do this. I gotta stop in with the warden first, though…

“Me? Out there? With you?” He chuckled. You had no idea that, with that simple gesture, you offered him everything he’d wanted for so long. Fuck, I don’t deserve him. I still love him, but he deserves someone better than the angry, selfish man I am. The fragments of his heart splintered even more. “I, um. I done a lotta bad things. And, uh.” He made himself brighten up. “This is home! For now, anyway. Maybe next time parole comes up, I’ll, uh” take it and go find you like I should have fifteen years ago. And I’ll spend every minute until then trying to become the kind of man you deserve. “Anyway, I gotta get back to it. You take care now, you hear? And, hey, visitation! Every third Sunday!” You looked down at the box you’d brought with you, and he ran. When he got back to his cell, he cried genuine tears for the first time since that August day when his world turned upside down.

- 2 weeks later, visitation day -

He knew hoping you’d come was a waste of time, and that he was just setting himself up for more pain. He’d learned the hard way that when you were gone, that was that. But still, there he was, looking up every time a guard walked into the room. As expected, they never called his name. The rest of the inmates gave him a wide berth as he went back to his cell for the night, and they were right to. He was itching for an excuse to fight. No one gave him one, though, so he told himself he’d find one tomorrow and got ready for bed.

When he got to his cell, it took him just one second to realize there was someone on his bed, pull them off, and shove them against the wall. It took him three more to process that it was you, and then another five to step back and let you go.

“Sorry for scaring you, Yancy. I didn’t mean to. It’s just… it’s visitation day, but I’m still wanted for the escape you helped me pull off, and I haven’t decided if I want to come back for good or not.” He stood there, frozen. You chuckled nervously. “I get it, your turn to be the quiet one. I’m sorry about that, by the way. There was a lot to process all at once, and I just kinda shut down when I get overwhelmed.”

I know. I remember that you didn’t say a single word our first day of high school, Yancy wanted to say. He wanted to say something, anything, but you being there and so close was just too much.

“Okay, so, honesty time; there’s a specific reason I came back.” You took a deep breath. “I haven’t been able to shake this feeling that I know you, somehow. But I know I’d remember meeting you- no way I’d forget someone like you. Anyway, I'm probably way off base and ridiculous. I guess I just wanted to tell you?” You ran your hand through your hair. “God, that sounds even flimsier than it felt in my head. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It, uh. It means a lot that you came back to say that.”

“Uh, Yancy? What happened to your accent?”

“Shit. Um. C’mere.” He muttered, as he sat down on his bed and pulled you down next to him. He prayed that you couldn’t hear how his heart started racing when he noticed your knees were touching. “No one here knows that the accent isn’t how I always speak. Not even the warden. I’ve been here five years and haven’t dropped it once. Anyone learns about this, and you’re dead, understand?” He knew that the threat was empty, but you seemed to believe it.

“Yeah, yeah, I do, don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me. I gotta ask, though- why fake it? It seems like a lot of effort. You don’t owe me an explanation, of course, but since you’re heart-on-your-sleeve about your parents, it must be one hell of a reason. I bet it’d feel good to let it off your chest. I can promise to leave and never come back if you do- a burden shared is a burden halved, and if I’m gone, you can be 100% sure no one here will know.”

He took a deep breath. “Something flipped my world on its head, and I needed to distance myself from who I was before. That’s an odd phrase, though- ‘a burden shared is a burden halved’. Where’d you pick that up?”

“Oh, um. The mom of someone I loved a long time ago used to say it a lot. It just kinda stuck, I guess.”

“Loved, huh? You break their heart, or did they break yours?” Yancy was surprised he got the words out without his voice shaking or cracking. You were silent for a long time, and Yancy was sure he’d pushed too hard and you would completely shut down or, worse, leave altogether.

“Sorry, I haven’t talked about this… ever." Your voice shook. "I’ve never talked to anyone about this. I don’t know if I was loved back, but if so, I was the heartbreaker. I didn’t mean to be- I couldn’t control having to leave, and I didn’t know I wasn’t coming back until it was too late. I couldn’t say goodbye. I’ve hoped every day for the last fifteen years that my feelings were unrequited, though. I’m happy to have the pain of an unrequited first love if it means she wasn’t heartbroken.” The incorrect pronoun stung a bit, but you didn’t know, and you’d loved him back all those years ago. He was invincible.

“Have you tried reaching out? Even if your feelings were one-sided, I think you owe it to both of you to say them, at least once.” He reached out and took your hands without thinking. You didn't stop him, and he felt like he could fly.

“I tried, actually. About eight years ago, I'd, uh, escaped and was finally an actual person again after everything that was done to and taken from me, so I started looking for her. But it’s like she vanished off the face of the earth five years to the day after we were separated. It’s actually how I met Mark- I got into some deep and shady shit looking. I only gave up last year. Nothing turned up in seven years of searching, so I have to figure that she did something incredibly stupid a decade ago and got herself killed.”

“I didn’t die. Just the name did.” Yancy breathed. A half second later, he realized he’d said it out loud, and his heart stopped. You took your hands out of his and scooted away.

“Yancy. Are you trying to tell me that you’re- that we- oh my god. It is you. I knew I knew you. Everything else is different, but I should have recognized your eyes. I guess some part of me did. But you- I- I thought you were dead.”

“As you can see, I’m not dead, Brain. And for the record, your feelings were definitely not one-sided.” He reached out and cupped your cheek with one hand.

“Shit, Pinky, it really is you.”

Yancy had dreamed about how seeing you again would go in a million different ways. Not a single one of those included you practically jumping into his lap and kissing him with a lifetime's worth of love and want.

He let out an undignified whine when you broke the kiss. “Wait, wait. You knew from the second I walked in here who I was, didn’t you? You tried so hard to stop me from leaving… but then you helped me do just that. You chose to stay here when I asked you to come with me. Then I came back, and you got me to say all those things… And we’re both trans and wound up here? This is all just. So much. I can’t- I can’t do this.” You got off his lap and scooted to the far end of the bed.

“What are you saying, Y/N? That you’re leaving? Again?” He couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice.

You stood up and faced him. “You do not get to play that card. You don’t know how much I went through trying to find a way to tell you I was sorry, that I didn’t know that the trip was a permanent one until we were on the other side of the country. Dad said that I'd never see mom again, and he’d kill me if I tried to get in touch with you or anyone else from back home. He broke my arm to prove he meant it. I can’t stay here to unpack all of this. I have to go. But you can come with me. I mean it even more now than I did last time. I’m not leaving you, I’m leaving here.”

You walked to the cell door and looked back at him with a sigh. “But I know you, and you have a family here. I’ll get you my address- it’s your turn to come to me, when you’re ready. I’ve waited 15 years to be with you again, what’s a little bit longer?” Without giving him a chance to respond, you kissed him again and were gone.

[endobiologist]

Trans Guy Tips #3; Testosterone HRT, How to Inject, & Its Effects On Body & Mind, Pt. 1

Note: I will likely add more sections to this at a later time, as I learn more about taking testosterone and its effects. Be sure to check back!

1. First, and this can change depending on your body type and what your own endocrinologist recommends for you,

but personally for me and for a lot of transgender men, Testosterone Cypionate, usually 200mg each dose, is the best choice, and so is taking the injection form, doing that intramuscularly, and taking them bi-weekly, meaning every other week on the exact amount of time from the time you took your last dose.

My endocrinologist explained to me that this is due to if you overload your body with testosterone constantly, or if you overdose it in an attempt to get more effects, you will instead have the opposite effect where you will instead gain estrogen, and more of it, because testosterone converts to estrogen when there's an excess of it and the body senses it as something wrong!!

So please please never take more than you are supposed to take, prescribed officially by your doctor.

They usually recommend bi-weekly for most if choosing injections, because it makes it so the testosterone spreads evenly throughout your system the entire time, and just has a very even perfect use that makes the effect stronger and it makes your body get used to it quicker, which speeds up the effects significantly, and tends to be the healthiest option.

2. Also in terms of safety, never ever get testosterone from a non-official source like the black market, online, or from a friend. You cannot trust this, as it has not been evaluated medically whatsoever.

Also, most importantly, you don't have a medical professional there to see if your hormones and all your health is correct and good to start or continue, or what dose to take, or which kind works best for your body, as well as not having any checkups, which is also vital when you take a new hormone in your body to make sure everything is balancing right!!!

So it is very dangerous, you could accidentally overdose, or your body could malfunction somehow, or you could just be injecting yourself with stuff that doesn't work ever!!

There are many things that could go wrong, so PLEASE never ever EVER do this.

Get a trans-familiar endocrinologist.

3. Now mind you, there are other options for taking T if you just cannot handle injections whatsoever.

Option one are tablets called subdermal capsules that they implant under your skin, usually under your arm or shoulder skin as it seems to spread the best that way. They will slowly leak testosterone until they replenish themselves and you have to get them replaced.

Some people praise these as they are pretty even in effects, and they make it so you have a steady supply pretty well, and also you don't have to think about it very often as the tablets last quite a while.

The downside is, that despite its evenness quality, it doesn't actually have very strong effects.

It will still give you effects for sure, but it will take a lot longer, possibly multiple years, to see the full effects of it.

There are also things known as topical testosterone, where you can put a gel or cream on yourself and it will dose you with the amount it has in it.

This is the least invasive option, however it's one with a very small amount of testosterone, so it will take some of the longest to feel, or see, effects.

Also, I have heard from some people that if you are having someone else put the gel on you, if they accidentally get it on their skin, it will literally dose them with testosterone, which is not okay if you have someone who is not trans and does not want it doing it.

So if you choose this route, please do it yourself so you're not dosing any more on to other people, and instead just on to yourself.

It also doesn't waste the dose on others that way, and you get the full effects instead.

There is also things known as oral testosterone, taken through pill form. But I have heard some bad things about these, and I have heard recommendations not to use them due to there being a lot of downsides, as it doesn't absorb into your body nearly as well as any of the other options, even the slower ones.

But really what matters is what you need, and what your body needs, so even though injections provide the most amount and the most even supply when you use them, especially bi-weekly as well, it might be different for you as every single trans guy/transmasculine person is different, physically & mentally!

And some things work better for others, so consult with your doctor, and let them know the effects and the timing you want, and they will suggest options for you if you are not able to choose yourself without assistance due to lack of knowledge etc.

I would however recommend deeply researching every section of testosterone as I did, before going to an endocrinologist, so you are very prepared and know which kind you want already which will make the appointment take less time as well.

Also you never want to rely on the information of just one person, so always research.

Don't just trust my guide immediately or anyone's guide if it's just one you read, instead do your own research on many sites & forums, and find what works for you, as I can only say what works/worked for me.

4. And when it actually comes to the fun part, the injections,

I will give you a step-by-step guide on mostly how to have someone else inject you, but you can also take my advice for injecting yourself, however I have no advice for specifics of that, such as ways to calm yourself down from queasiness when doing it yourself, since I have never injected myself due to me honestly being just a little squeamish about doing it myself.

But I've always had my mother do it, and I have watched occasionally to see how best to do it, and have experienced it quite a few times now, so I know which way is the least painful as well.

If I were ever forced to do it myself, that way I would be able to because I know how to beforehand.

Now what you do is when you pick up your prescription of Testosterone, this is assuming if you take it bi-weekly and an injection form, you get two 1 ml bottles (A month's supply) and you have to unfortunately ask for & buy the syringe that comes preloaded with the needles.

Also make sure never to ask for just a needle, cuz they will literally give you just a needle, and no syringe.

It's happened to me before, LOL.

They usually have the syringes & needles in stock almost always, but there are a few occasions where they didn't have the needles.

But it is honestly annoying having to pay for something extra when the testosterone itself doesn't cost anything, yet the injection needles you need to use it do??? Lmao.

However it's not that annoying, because they're actually relatively cheap!

Here in Nevada, with no discounts used, they usually only cost you about like $3 usually, $4 at most, so it's pretty price effective.

5. I strongly recommend this, it was my mom's edition to this by the way, she strongly recommends as well,

that you should wait at least a month before taking your first dose of T.

Even when you just received it!

The reason for this is because sometimes they will be out of testosterone or out of needles, or you won't be able to afford it for whatever reason, you never know and it's so much better to have at least 1 if not 2 backup doses and syringes + needles on hand so you never have to worry about that.

I was impatient and injected the day I got it, and so though I haven't run into a problem yet, it is stressful knowing that if a mistake happens with the injection and the fluid leaks out too much, or something happens, whatever it is, that I won't have a backup dose.

So, I would highly recommend waiting a month or even two before injecting, so you have two doses and you pick it up way before you run out every time.

That's way more efficient.

6. Now although this comes from the point of view of someone who hasn't injected themselves, and only has been injected, I pretty much know how it works so I could if I had to, I would just be squeamish.

And for a lot of people they feel the same, so it's easier to get a family member or a close friend to do it for you, as long as they're always around when you need to take your dose.

Personally I have my mom do it because she's talented at injections due to having reptiles that needed some done the same way.

So, basically, you take everything out of its containers, and make sure not to touch the needle itself ever.

Once everything's out of its containers, then make sure to test if the needle is totally closed onto the syringe.

If it is, it's good to go.

Checking the tightness of the needle is very important because if you don't, you can end up having the needle pop off inside you, and release none of the testosterone actually inside of you, wasting a dose completely & it just hurts like a SOB.

Now, take the cap off the needle.

I would recommend always sanitizing the needle, the syringe, and also having a little gauze pad or paper towel piece, all soaked with rubbing alcohol to sterilize the area you will be injecting, so there is no risk of infection at all.

Although not extremely important, I'd recommend you'd also want to bring a tiny Band-Aid.

It will be a very very tiny wound, more like a dot, but it actually bleeds quite a bit after, due to it going deep in, so it's helpful to put a Band-Aid on just for the first hour or so, then take it off and let it breathe, and it heals super quick. It'll be gone before, or by the next day, usually.

Please remember not to touch the needle ever as it'd ruin its sterilization. They're usually sterilized, but it might be a good idea to sterilize them again just in case, to basically make sure there is no risk of infection whatsoever.

Also this is just a common sense cleanliness rule,

but I still want to state it to make sure people know;

Always throw away every single needle and syringe you use, as soon as you are done using it.

Do not keep it or EVER re-inject with the same needle.

And also be sure to throw away any testosterone you have left that is excess from your dose.

You do not need that, as it goes bad and won't work after being exposed to air, so it's impossible to save and use later, unfortunately.

Now, you will be injecting intramuscularly in the leg, either leg will do, hell you can switch them up each time if you'd like. It doesn't matter much.

This means you will be injecting on the area of your thigh that is a little high up, and towards the top, but a little to the outer side.

This means the testosterone is injected straight between the muscles, and goes to the bloodstream quickly also, when you inject.

Now you want to remove the lid from the Testosterone Cypionate bottle, and shake It up very very good, so that there are no bubbles, no particles visible in the Testosterone, and no oil separation either.

If it looks completely clear, or is a slight yellowish colour but mixed together well, then you're good to go.

The possible slight yellowish color comes from the cottonseed oil that they use to store the testosterone correctly in.

It makes it to where you have to use a little bit of a bigger needle to inject yourself with, but it's actually a very very small needle and it's not painful very much at all.

A lot of myths I read about testosterone before I received it said the needles were huge and scary and painful, but the truth is they're not at all, even to me who's slightly scared of needles and has low ability to tolerate pain.

Literally, popping a zit hurts worse than the injections.

The pain is something like a very tiny ant bite, or a slight pinch on your skin, it doesn't really hurt very much at all.

In fact, whenever I take mine, even the very first time I did, I didn't even make a sound! And it's over very quickly, as well.

I would recommend for the easiest time however, for a little higher price, getting a 21 gauge syringe needle, and also an 18 gauge syringe needle for each dose you take.

The 21 gauge is larger for drawing up the testosterone from the vial easier than the 18 gauge would.

Then you remove that 21g needle from that syringe, and instead put on the 18 gauge for the actual injecting.

If you want a cheaper price tag, and/or you're just lazy like me, you can get away with using just an 18 gauge needled syringe, however it makes it much significantly harder to draw up out of the vial.

It is still quite possible, but is for sure challenging, mistakes can occur so be very careful if you choose this route.

Now when you're trying to draw up the Testosterone Cypionate out of the bottle, you want to hold it upside down, or downward at an angle kind of diagonal, and you want to make sure the needle is visibly in the liquid.

Then, you draw back slowly, but try and fill it as much as you can. You can always dispose of extra that you don't need.

If using only the 18 gauge like said earlier, which is what I personally do, it is very hard to draw up out of the bottle, so be very careful, and try to figure out the trick to it, is all I can say.

Everyone has a different trick for it.

Don't use all the testosterone in the bottle however for your actual being-injected-dose.

You need to usually use only 75 mL of the 1 ml bottle each dose.

Also before you ever inject, but after you fill the syringe, make sure to aspirate the needle, which means to act like you're injecting it, in the air pointing up, needle upwards, and you very slowly push down, which expels a little bit of the testosterone, but you also expel any air particles or bubbles that are trapped inside.

This is why you want to put a little more in the syringe than you actually will inject, because when you aspirate the needle some will leak out and make it the perfect amount to inject, rather than losing it an amount of it that you need.

If there is even a single bubble inside the syringe, that can cause a heart attack, and many other deadly problems!!!

So do not ever inject, if there is a bubble in your syringe.

If there is, best case scenario is you try to aspirate it heavily, even if you need to then refill it somewhat afterwards, the most important part is making sure no air bubbles are in it.

If there is no way to get the bubble out, you'd need to buy a new syringe, as it most likely has a deformation of some kind.

But that's the worst case scenario, and personally I haven't experienced that yet.

That, however, is why it is so important to aspirate, to make sure there's no air left in the syringe before you inject.

Now you want to make sure to get exactly .75 ml, that you put it up to the line right before 1 ml and that's about the amount you need.

And remember; never take more than prescribed, it will have the opposite affects you want.

Now that you know all the details, here is how to perform injecting the actual testosterone.

You take the needle to the sterilized area of thigh that you cleaned with the rubbing alcohol.

And you can either use a kind of sideways diagonal position to go in, or you can use straight on.

I find straight on makes it much less painful for me, so I usually go with that, but either way works, and whatever is most comfortable for you is what you should use.

Now you just go in kind of slowly, and try not to move the needle around too much, just push slowly all the way in 'till the needle is completely in the leg.

Then dispense slowly the testosterone to the intramuscular area, and once all the testosterone is out of the syringe and inside your bloodstream, pull it out very slowly, all the while holding the skin around it firmly, so that it doesn't hurt as much pulling it out. If you pull it out fast it fuckin' hurts.

You can also sterilize the area of injection again, if you want, but it's not really necessary.

Then, you just put that Band-Aid previously mentioned on, for like an hour, and you're good!

7. Now for the effects of testosterone, though I don't have a perfect timeline. But around one DAY in, I noticed for some reason my clitoral growth where your clitoris pretty much changes into a tiny penis except the urethra doesn't move unfortunately without surgery.

It can grow one to two inches at max, although I have not experienced that much yet.

However for some reason I had definitely experienced minor clitoral growth pretty much as soon as I took my first shot of testosterone, which is incredibly rare, as it's supposed to happen six months to a year in and be one of the later effects!! But for some reason, it was the first effect I got, so that really goes to show that everyone is built quite different, so some things in this guide might not be totally accurate for everyone.

1 week in, I started experiencing a very hoarse voice, not a sore throat or anything, but just where your voice sounds like you're sick or you're losing your voice, for some reason.

This is the first step in your voice changing to a deeper baritone.

It's usually not painful whatsoever, but I have heard from some people that it can irritate their throat occasionally due to the foreign feeling of it, this stage doesn't last very long though.

Then, about 1 month in, I started noticing extensive hair growth. Also I seem to have got way darker hair than any of my family members ever had, and way more hair than they ever had, so you can't totally rely on the predictions of what your family looks like to see how you're going to change.

You kind of have to be ready for anything to happen, but usually the hair growth and the masculinity of your family will almost always pass on to you when you transition physically.

This can even include male pattern baldness eventually.

Sometimes it happens to trans men immediately after taking it, other times it will take years and other times it will be when they're elderly like cis men have.

Personally, I have not seen any male pattern baldness yet, however my front l of my hair slightly receded back and in the shape of male members of my dad's side of my family, but nothing like a total receding hairline.

It still looks like a full head of hair!

Usually you can tell what type of hair you get by looking at your family members closely.

If your family includes a lot of thick hairy people naturally, then you are going to usually get very large amounts of hair.

If you have a family with barely any hair, or very light coloured hair, you'll usually get a small amount of hair or a large amount of hair but with light colour. Personally, I got real lucky so it's clear that there are exceptions, but that's usually how it goes is that you can look to your family members as to how you're going to look and sound like.

About 3 months in, my voice started really deepening and I mean really deep. But the funny thing about it is that sometimes it will switch from being really low and masculine and amazing, to being kind of regular like before, to a little low but not super low, and even to what I call the "permanent helium" which makes you literally sound like you inhaled helium but it's literally just your vocal cords cracking that bad from growing to a male length.

Sometimes it will crack in a way where you can't stop talking in that high pitch, and it's really awkward, but it is also really funny if you learn to laugh at yourself, and always remind yourself that this is the process of gaining a deeper voice.

I have heard that vocal training to make your voice deeper also helps exponentially for more effects if you want a super deep voice.

About 4 to 5 months in, which is where I'm currently at, I've experienced way more hair growth!

Even more so than the start of it.

My head hair seems to be thicker and healthier for some reason, I'm not sure why because I have never heard of that affecting your head hair, its texture, or its thickness like that?

But it seems to have happened, so I guess it's possible?

I'm gaining a moustache and a few beard hairs, but mainly my moustache is super dark and already very visible.

Also due to my moustache and my deep voice alone, now I can already pass pretty much 100% of the time if maybe 99%, and I'm a very naturally baby-faced person too, so that's impressive!

My voice is mainly settled into a pretty deep baritone.

It still has a little bit of a high pitch sometimes, but barely.

I can tell there's a little more progress needed, but not much.

I don't do the helium thing as much as I used to, but it does still occasionally occur as lengthening your vocal cords, which is what occurs when you take testosterone, can be a lengthy and frustrating process at times.

I have also specifically seen lots of body hair at this time, way more than the sparse amount at first, including even a happy trail and a little bit of chest hair although it's not noticeable yet unless you squint, but it still has way more than I used to!

Also my hair on my arms, and especially on my legs, is thick, dark and everywhere.

I've also noticed my fat is starting tk begin redistributing a little bit.

It's not totally doing it yet, but it's getting close, as my thighs, hips, and behind area lost a bunch of weight, while my stomach gained a little bit of weight and so did my arms.

I also gained a fair bit of muscle as not only can I see it when I flex, but also I can lift things a little easier than I used to, and muscle seems to develop easier for me, even when I work out barely.

I've never been a very physical person, so it's still hard, but it's way easier now that I take testosterone.

Those are all the effects I have to record right now, as I'm only 4-5 months in, but I will update this with new parts as I experience more and more.

Also, please take all effects and timelines with a grain of salt, because everybody works differently.

Also I specifically was mentioning Testosterone Cypionate, bi-weekly injection form, so if you take testosterone in a different way, some of this might be different, irrelevant or even completely useless to you, but I am only able to provide information on these forms as they're the only form I've taken of it myself.

Now, to quickly dispel a few stupid myths that circulate around taking testosterone, to ease your worries.

Myth #1. "Testosterone makes you aggressive, violent, and a bad person!"

The truth is that testosterone does not change who you are, whatsoever.

It can however change certain little preferences like for example what flavor food you like will sometimes change, but usually not all foods, just a couple, or sometimes even just one.

It can change little tiny details, like maybe your favorite colour may change, and it definitely does have its emotional effects for sure, but it does not make anyone aggressive or violent automatically.

Testosterone is not an angry hormone, and estrogen is not a peaceful hormone, despite what most people stereotype them as being, so just blanketing everyone under the term of "aggressive" because they have testosterone in them is straight-up incorrect at best, and also sexist at worst.

Estrogen is not better than testosterone. Testosterone is not better than estrogen. It just matters what you want in your body.

What it may actually do is sometimes, people will experience a wide variety of emotions, including extreme euphoria and confidence (that's the effect I seem to have had, thankfully!)

Other people however will get very emotional and sad and will cry over things easier, and no, that's not an estrogen trait, testosterone can do that too.

And sometimes, on a rare occasion, people can get more irritable or cranky. But they're never violent.

They just get a little grumpier than usual.

However, all these emotional effects eventually do phase out and stabilize, and you'll be back to all your regular moods.

You never truly change who you are as an individual, and your beliefs and morals will stay the same.

It's not like you will completely change into a different person, you will never have to fear that, nor should any of your family and friends.

Myth #2. "Testosterone is steroids, right? So doesn't that mean that you're stronger than everyone else?"

This is a ridiculous notion, and I'm not even sure how it got spread im the first place, but I've heard it firsthand, and it's really as stupid as it sounds.

Testosterone is not steroids, they may have some similar properties due to chemical makeup, but they are not in any way steroids.

Steroids are an addictive & potentially harmful drug. Testosterone is a naturally occuring hormone that we all have some of.

For instance, testosterone also does not make you any more muscular just automatically.

It can make you a little more muscled subtly due to the muscle structure changing to that of a cis man's, but it can't straight up make you jacked, that's just not possible.

Also it does not make you any stronger than anyone else.

It might make you a little stronger than a cis female, but you are not stronger than a cis man, in fact you're weaker, due to starting out assigned female at birth.

I'm not sure why people assume that if you take testosterone, that means you're strong??

Because you're taking testosterone because you don't have any so clearly you don't have very much.

I'm not totally sure where this silly notion got spread, possibly as a way to make trans people feel guilty for taking T, by making them think it's a drug, and it's just not when you look at the facts.

It's good to dissuade folks who think this way, from this notion, as it can also make us look like drug addicts or on steroid pills, which both are just completely false.

Testosterone is not even addictive.

It's a natural hormone inside your body.

Myth #3. "Testosterone will give you all forms of cancer, and strokes and heart attacks, almost certainly!"

I'm not sure where or how this got spread either, it is true that it is possible, they said, in a scientific study, that they can't confirm completely that it could theoretically make your chances of stroke and heart attack a little higher due to your system basically changing to that of a cis man's, and going through a cis man's puberty.

But honestly, you have less risk of strokes and heart attacks than even cis men do, and you don't have a prostate which is a common location for men to get cancer, so you actually have an advantage over most!

It's very rare that you would ever come into contact with one of these things happening, pretty much as rare if a little less as it would be if you didn't take T at all.

There is also no evidence whatsoever that testosterone causes cancer, of any kind, let alone all of them.

A lot of people have tried to spread this rumour, to stop people from getting HRT treatment, which is really cruel and fucked up, and a lot of parents will use the "cancer" excuse as a way to not give their child HRT.

The truth is that it does not cause cancer, and that is a complete myth.

There's actually some evidence that being on T might improve your chances of fighting cancer, and having a stronger immune system for it as well.

Myth #4. This kind of goes along with the other one, but some people believe that "If you take testosterone, you could be shortening your lifespan by many years!!"

This is complete speculation, nothing has been confirmed.

It's possible, perhaps, that it could shorten your lifespan by a couple years, but not many.

You still would have an advantage over cis men again.

But it's never been truly proved that your lifespan gets shorter from T, so there is no reason to fear less of your life occuring just because you're trying to make yourself happier.

All right, I think that's all the rumours I can set straight, and all the info & advice about injections and medicine and general information about testosterone that I can give you at the moment.

I will update this post later, so please check back again in maybe a few month's time from now, as then I will have more effects to discuss.

But if I want to leave you with anything to think about,

remember that testosterone is a completely safe and natural chemical hormone that produces itself in your body already.

You just don't have enough of it to look the masculine way you want to.

It is not dangerous, it won't hurt you and if you really want it, go after it!!

But I would also very much advise you to be sure you want to go ahead with it, and that you are okay with all effects happening.

Because if you aren't, if you are even the least bit hesitant, not only will the doctor not allow you to proceed because you are not mentally fit to yet,

but also if you did end up taking testosterone then you could end up getting effects that you don't want, and having them be permanent, and causing you dysphoria for the rest of your life.

So please, make sure to know yourself well, and know your wants and needs clearly.

I also highly recommend having a psychiatrist or a mental health therapist for quite a while before going into testosterone therapy.

Not only does it make you more qualified to acquire testosterone because it shows you actually thought it through, but also it is exceedingly helpful for the mental and physical changes you will be proceeding with over these next years.

The last thing I want to say, my closing note, is congratulations on your testosterone, if you received it!

And I hope my guide helped in any way, and apologies if it ended up really long this time, there's a lot of things you need to know about T.

Thank you for reading, and I hope this humble trans guy's journal entries help you at all.

- Atom T. L. Yorke

[kakyoinryoko]

im curious what u think jotaros life pre sdc was like

probably not good from what we see but i’m not super into speculation about this sort of thing beyond what can be inferred on a pretty base level... like, i feel no need to have detailed headcanons about everything that happened to him exactly. i have vague ideas but nothing super in depth outside of how him being gay and trans affects things already established or implied. i don’t know what exactly jotaro’s high school fights would revolve around, for example, and i don’t particularly have any desire to come up with any headcanons for this. i say this but i’m about to drop an entire essay here i guess. cool, embarrassing, etc

i’ve talked about it a little before but i think Something happened to him between entering high school and reaching his third year that kinda fucked him up, and whatever it was caused him to start acting more coldly and harshly towards his mother, who he previously was very openly loving towards. i’ve heard people say that the only reason holly sees him that way at the beginning of sdc is because she has illusions about her son being a better and kinder person than he is, but that’s just not true. i don’t think the imagery of him dressing like a proper student and being happy to receive a valentine and smiling at her and openly expressing his love for her cooking were false memories, i think he actually said and did those things, it was just stuff that happened when he was younger, probably a first year. i’ve said it over and over, but as it is, in the present day (as of sdc), she fully understands what her son is like. she’s introduced into the series asking the cops how many people he killed. that was her instinctual guess upon hearing he was arrested—this says to me 1) he’s never been arrested before, but 2) she knows about the fighting he gets up to and has feared that this is where it would end at some point. she also emphasizes the fact that he can’t fool her when it comes to his tough guy act—she realizes that it’s deep beneath his extremely rough exterior, but he IS a good and caring person at heart. she never says anything about him that isn’t true, and anyone brushing her off as a dumb naive woman just isn’t reading between the lines. or maybe isn’t reading at all frankly. it’s all right there in front of you.

as for his past. at a guess. it seems like he doesn’t really have any friends at all, at any point in the manga, outside of the people we see him interacting with in the parts themselves. as of his childhood and teen years, the fact that he’s half american and his father is largely absent is one possible reason i have heard brought up before, but i think it’s also because he comes across as pretty weird and hard to get along with. as an autistic person i see a lot of myself and my own struggles with interpersonal relationships in jotaro, so i think his issues with people are in no small part because he is autistic himself. i’m not going to belabor the explanation here because others have made better posts than i could about why he reads so heavily as autistic, but i think it comes down to him missing social cues, and not coming across the way he intends to, and not being able to read the implications in the things people say to him, and him being trans on top of that would make him feel like even more of an odd one out. i think he would deal with that by being kind of a sukeban type, so at least his ostracization feels like he’s in control of it and he’s being strong, but even so, acting like a scary tough girl isn’t a replacement for transitioning.

i think he would start transitioning (which is to say, changing his name and presentation and starting testosterone, but that’s about all) late in middle school, around 14, so that by the time he’s a first year in high school he’s fully stealth. and it makes him happy at first, because people are talking to him as a boy, and using a boy’s name for him (perhaps part of why he’s so chill about people calling him by first name the second they meet him, since that’s a little odd to do otherwise), so for a time he’s a happy enough kid. i think t hits him pretty hard and fast, and he shoots up almost immediately and gets to be like six feet tall and buff and deep voiced by the time he’s like 15, so suddenly he’s not so much the awkward american girl as he is the super tall strong guy that the guys all fear and respect and the girls all have a crush on, which is maybe nice at first, but i think the allure would wear off pretty fast.

i don’t think he necessarily realizes that it’s because he’s gay, but we see ourselves pretty clearly that he doesn’t enjoy the attention from girls beyond maybe thinking it’s a better alternative to having them mock him like when he was younger. he hates having them crowd around him and fawn over him—he has no interest in any of them in the first place, and none of them ACTUALLY care who he is, just that he’s tall and strong and handsome, and he hates that. and then, of course, guys fearing and respecting him turns into people wanting to fight him, and something terrible happens as a result of that, and he ends up an extremely guarded and hostile person as a result, even to the ones he loves. it gets to the point where he’s a target for actual serious violence, even from grown adult gang members as we see at the start of sdc, so his desire to keep people away from him as a means of keeping them safe kicks in—and this is something that sticks with him for the rest of his life, even into his 40s with his daughter. only tangentially related but i think the true tragedy of part 3 is that he was finally getting over that mindset, he was finally starting to see value in keeping people close to him and trusting in and relying on others. but primarily we see him express this sentiment towards kakyoin. and kakyoin dies. and more specifically dies for jotaro. so that all comes crashing down hard, and he’s right back where he started.

back to the main point i also feel i should mention i’m 100% of the belief he has perfect grades and attendance even when he’s more into the delinquent act. i say act mostly because i don’t think he’s actually hugely into the whole bancho subculture; i don’t think he would actually join any gangs, i think he prefers to keep to himself until other people go looking to start shit with him, which he always finishes handily (allegedly, no one has ever seen him get hurt before). probably including the teacher who he ran off, regardless of whatever happened then—he says himself that injustice and harming the weak makes him extremely mad, so there was definitely more going on there than just “jotaro got mad at a teacher because he’s a violent person and beat the shit out of him for no reason and so the guy got scared and quit,” though i don’t really care to speculate deeper than that. the teacher was not an innocent party is all i’m saying.

i suppose this is all just an unreasonably long winded way of saying “idk but i sure think about it a lot.” basically just extrapolations from the way he interacts with his peers from what little we see, and from the bio about him coming across in a much more cold and aloof way than he thinks he does, and from his relationship with his mom, and from what we see based on her memories of him when he was younger.

[collectivefandomstuff]

Please, please tell us a debate you won with your parents that you consider to be a triumph.

Ok, so here’s the thing: I’ve won a fair few debates with my parents but they’re not very funny, sometimes b/c of the subject (like climate change or trans rights), but mostly because my parents have never been easy to trick so the truly outrageous stunts never involved them (though sometimes they were collateral damage).

So, in the interest of entertaining y’all, Imma tell you a story of how unbridled arrogance and an inflated perception of our own intelligence helped me and a classmate win a debate in school. I call this story: J and I fight the system.

-

Our class was studying politics and had been divided into groups of three or four, each of which had been assigned a political party. We had a few weeks to gather info about our party and at the end of it there was a two hour long debate wherein we were to represent our party. Swell. My group consisted of me and two guys. Let’s call them J and M. J, M, and I all ran in different circles. J hung out with the athletic guys, and M was part of a small crew of three boys who seemed perpetually confused about what they were supposed to be doing in class. It is important to note that both J and I belonged to the category of people who were very valuable in a group project but who couldn’t quite be bothered to keep track of things like “time” or “assignments”.

J and M and I had been assigned the leftist party and promptly went to visit their offices in our town, which was closed. Gosh darn and doolittle, but what can you do?

Anyway, life goes on until one day before class when I notice that everyone seem to be carrying large stacks of paper into the classroom. This confuses me, so I turn to my friend, let’s call him T, and ask what’s going on. T looks at me, and cautiously informs me that “today is the political debate”

Oh, I think. Oh no. But then, I’m not the only person in this group. Surely J has prepared?

At this point, J hurries down the corridor towards me, something wild in his gaze and I consider that maybe we have a problem. J stops in front of me:

“Please tell me you remembered the debate?” He asks me in a panicked whisper.

“No”, I reply, “I was hoping you did”

At this point some of his friends and mine who have been loitering nearby are looking increasingly incredulous.

“Someone told me 10 minutes ago”, J says, “and we’re meant to be able to give a history of the party as well, so I googled it and wrote it down!” He brandishes a piece of crumpled paper, clearly torn from a page in a lined notebook. It’s not a whole page, more like 1/3 with ragged edges. (This was back before smartphones or personal laptops were considered standard fare in schools.)

“Good man”, I say, because we now have some historical facts, although still no knowledge of actual politics.

“Look,” says J, “there’s M, maybe HE remembered?”

M ambles over to us and succinctly manages to crush our hopes and dreams in one sentence:

“Which party are we again?”

So M is a no go and now J and I have to make a decision. Either we come clean to our teacher and take the hit to our grades (and our reputations as good students)

OR

“We can wing it”, I say. J looks at me, burgeoning hope blossoms in his eyes.

“Do you really think we can pull that off?”

I think for a moment.

“Look, we’re not one of the major parties, so we probably won’t be called on to start a topic very often. As long as the socialists go first, we can just agree with them but make it more extreme”

J nods and agrees that this might, in fact, work. “What about specific policies?”

“I’m sure we’ll figure it out”, I say nonsensically, but for some reason this convinces J. Desperation truly makes a man believe anything. We pull M into our little huddle to inform him of the plan, and I instruct them that today we really only have one ace to play:

“Whenever ANYONE from the conservative side says anything; bang your fist on the table and yell ‘CAPITALIST PIGS’ at the top of your voice”

“Confidence is key!” J adds. Good man, J.

The debate starts. J and I are vibrating with adrenaline. Everyone else has piles of papers in front of them, they’ve divided responsibilities (so A takes schooling and B healthcare for example) we have no system. We’re three hyped up liars brandishing one third of a ripped out paper, gambling our survival solely on our wits, our daring, and our ability to bang loudly on the table.

“We think that schools should focus on math more”, says a member of one of the conservative parties.

“Well YOU WOULD”, roars J while M and I bang the table in agreement.

“THIS IS THE TYPE OF CLASSIST, OPPRESSIVE NONSENSE I’D EXPECT FROM YOU”, I scream at my poor classmate as he advocates against public welfare.

“We agree with the socialists”, we say over and over, “but we don’t think their proposal is strong enough. They are catering to the conservatives and WE. WILL NOT. COMPROMISE.”

Once our teacher initiates a debate topic by asking us what our policies are. It’s about schools. J has frozen in terror beside me as we contemplate the horrid fact that we have no idea what our policies are regarding schools (or anything else except “capitalism bad”).

There’s a moment that lasts an eternity as I fervently try to figure out what in the hell the leftist stance could be, and find myself thinking “what would my aunt (who’s basically a communist) say?”

Finally, I make something up that seems logical and that I might’ve heard my aunt say once, maybe (grades should be only pass or fail for EQUALITY).

There’s quiet.

“Yes exactly”, my teacher confirms and everyone on team “ride or die” collapses in relief.

As we exit the classroom 2 hours later, shaking and positively giddy with relief, we’re faced by the few people (mine and Js friends) who’d been aware the whole time that we had NO IDEA what we were doing. My only recollection of this is when one of Js athletic buddies looks at the two of us in disbelief and goes:

“The absolute BALLS on the two of you”

Also, to further prove the falsehood of “I know when you haven’t done your work properly” we were praised for doing our whole debate without needing any notes to remember our stuff. I recall that fact because when our teacher told us this J looked straight at her and said “well we thought that to argue our ideas we have to know them by heart”. Good man, J.

T was upset with me for years.

[quatregats]

got tagged by @acadiera​, moltíssimes gràcies <3333

1. why did you choose your url?

There’s nobody here and also i like cats <3

2. side blogs?

This is a sideblog, my main is @guillemelgat. I also have 2 other sideblogs but I never use them (they’re technically for Malayalam and a writeblr but there’s basically nothing there so I’m not even gonna bother saying the urls). I don’t think I could honestly handle more than this lol, but if I do get my life together someday I’d love to make an Actual Writeblr (I have been fighting off the temptation though).

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

Since late 2015 (effectively 2016) 👀 I can’t believe I’m actually Old now

4. do you have a queue tag?

lol no I don’t queue I just postdump and let you guys figure it out (I did run a queue for a bit on my main when I was making posts once a week and not being on here for the rest of it and then my tag was, somewhat ironically, “la vida sense queue which is in fact the attitude towards queues that I have since embraced)

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

Okay this is going to sound REAL weird but I made myself a private Google site for languages and would like...post blog post things??? about my language study (for a grand audience of zero people), and my friends in high school had Tumblr so I had heard about it from them but also had no concept of what it was for. I decided to check it out at some point and was like oh I could make my language blog be on here because changing platforms is fun and stimulating, and so I did that and told no people and interacted with no one because it was basically just a continuation of the old Google site which was for my brain-dumping mostly, and then a year into having it I somehow let slip to a friend that I looked at Tumblr things sometimes and she was like oh can I follow you and I was like I mean sure but I just post weird language stuff which I don’t think is how people use this site and she was like oh it’s fine I have some friends who do that and I was like :0 and went home and did some digging and realized that there was an actual language community on here lol...Anyways there’s the lore that no one asked for

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

idk, I just like having myself as a pfp because I’m very face-oriented and I feel like it’s important for people to associate my words with my existence as a person??? if that makes any sense. Also I like the trans flag in the background but I might change up the picture soon because I don’t like it being a generic picrew :/

7. why did you choose your header?

I just really really really like the woods in New England and idk I think I was feeling sentimental or something. I literally changed it less than a month ago and I already forget why lol

8. whats your post with most notes?

I think on this account it’s the post about John T Kenney’s painting of Duck 😖 I just wanted to scream about things into the void but the weird TTTE fans found it and I Regret My Choices now. I like making popular posts though, I do literally everything within my power to keep them within a limited circle because idk how to handle interacting with strangers

9. how many mutuals do you have?

somewhere around 30 but a lot of them aren’t active anymore :(

10. how many followers do you have?

212 on here

11. how many people do you follow?

189....wow I really cut that number down by a lot (I’m trying to keep it under control so I spend less time on here)

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

uhhh actually idk what counts as one but yeah I’m pretty sure I have, I make a lot of dumb posts on this webbed site

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

I plead the fifth

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

ooof idk, I try to avoid conflicts like my life depends on it because I’m a very conciliatory person in general. I’ve had discussions, I think, and weird comments on my posts, and there’s been drama on here that I’ve tried to stay out of in general. I think I’ve managed to avoid getting in fights afaik

15. How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

I get very freaked out about reblogging like 90% of posts even without the guilt tripping, I am always overthinking things, so no, I Detest them with all my soul

16. do you like tag games?

prev tags, I really just come on here to say lots of words so the more the better

17. do you like ask games?

yep yep! see above :)

18. which of your tumblr mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

I have absolutely zero grasp on what tumblr famous is because I’m in the middle of a very specific cell of tumblr so y’all seem famous to me, but honestly I have no idea. It seems like you guys do have way more followers and get way more notes than me though, so good for you <333 (not like a jealous thing, I don’t want notes or followers outside my mutual circle at this point, but I’m happy for you guys)

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

I refuse to answer any questions about crushes on anybody, blanket house policy for all people asking. I am way too repressed for that

I’m going to tag @ahabixa, @chatwiththeclouds, @portugue, @anthropologicle, @alvallah, @arabskaya-devushka, and anyone else who wants to <333

[bts-trans]

201111 BigHit’s Tweet

[네이버 포스트] 2021년도 휀-클럽 아미와 함께할 비티엣-스가 돌아왔읍니다! 방탄소년단의 시즌그리팅 맛보기! 📸 (@ https://m.post.naver.com/viewer/postView.nhn?volumeNo=29943041&memberNo=51325039) 

#BTS #방탄소년단

[Naver Post] BT-S has returned to spend 2021 with their fan*-club ARMY as well! Getting a little taste of BTS' Season's Greeting! 📸

(T/N: * The spelling of 'fan' here is 휀/hwen instead of 팬/pan, which has been done intentionally to make it seem more retro.)

Naver Post Translation

Keep reading for a plain text version of the blog post! For a picture edit version, please check out our twitter post!

Title: [BTS] 2021년도 휀-클럽 아미와 함께할 비티엣-스가 돌아왔읍니다!

Title: BT-S has returned to spend 2021 with their fan-club ARMY as well!

아-하!

Hi-A! 

(T/N: Stands for ‘Hi ARMY’, which is how Bangbell always starts these posts.) 

안녕하세요 아미 여러분! 방림이입니다!

Hello ARMYs!  It’s Bangbell! 

바로 어제! 아미 여러분에게 아주 따끈따끈한 소식이 도착했다고 해서 방림이도 재빠르게 찾아와 보았는데요!

Right now! I heard ARMYs received some extremely hot news so I came to find you as fast as I could!

바로바로 

The news is that the 

BTS 2021 SEASON'S GREETINGS

티저가 떴다는 소식입니다!

teaser has been released!

와아아아아아아아!!!

Wooooooow!!!

벌써 2020년이 다 지나고 2021년이 찾아온다는 현실에 시간은 왜 이렇게 빠르게 흐르는지 슬픔에 잠기기도 잠시,

방탄소년단의 시즌 그리팅을 만날 생각하니 2021년이 빨리 왔으면 좋겠다 이거예요~

When faced with the reality that 2020 is almost over and 2021 is approaching I feel a little sad that time seems to be passing so fast,

but the thought that I’ll be able to see BTS’ Season’s Greetings soon  makes me hope 2021 comes quick~ 

저 방림이는 압니다.. ‘티저로는 부족하다! 더 달라!’

I know what you’re thinking.. ‘The teaser wasn’t enough! Give us more!’

그래서! 방림이가 사알짝 담아와 보았습니다!

And so!  I’ve brought just a feeew things! 

현장에서 포착된 멤버들의 모습! 지금 바로 만나볼까요?

Pictures of the members that I acquired on set!  Shall we go see them right now?

 제가 서울을 참 많이 돌아다녀 보았는데요.. 장담하는데 제일 멋진 사람 김. 남. 준. 아��니까?

I’ve been all around Seoul..  But I can guarantee that the coolest person here is Kim. Nam. Joon. Isn’t that right?

인정~~~

That’s right~~~

((반박 불가))

((No rebuttals allowed))

이런 친구가 길을 찾는 중이라면.. 저는 망설임 없이 하루종일 찾아 다녀주겠어요..

If someone like him was looking for directions..  I wouldn’t even hesitate to spend the whole day helping him find his way.. 

(하루가 뭐야.. 한 달도 부족 ㅠ_ㅠ)

(Not just a day.. Even a whole month wouldn’t be enough ㅠ_ㅠ)

어머 여기 또 길을 헤메는 친구가 있네요?

길을 찾는 이들을 만난다면 참으로 운수대통한 날 아닐까요?

Oh, there’s someone else who’s lost his way here?

If I met these people trying to find their way I’d say it was an extremely lucky day, no? 

푸르른 하늘과 정말 잘 어울리는 해피 해피 홉

Happy happy Hope matches really well with the blue sky 

제이홉의 해피 해피 밝은 에너지는 하늘보다 맑고 해보다 따뜻하고 별보다 빛난다구요!

J-Hope’s happy happy bright energy is  clearer than the skies  warmer than the sun  and shines more than the stars! 

아니 여기 길 잃은 강양이가 있어요! 이렇게 귀여운 복장으로 귀여운 표정 짓는 건 반칙!!!

(이지만 귀여움 올림픽 금메달이니 인정해드립니다)

Hold on, there’s a PupKitty that’s lost its way here!  Putting on a cute expression dressed in an outfit this cute—that’s against the rules!!!

(Still, since you’re a gold medalist in the Cute Olympics I’ll give it to you)

방림이는 육교를 무서워하는데요.. 초록색 조끼를 입은 친구와 함께라면 그 어떤 길도 무섭지 않을 것 같네요..

I’m scared of overpass bridges..  But if I could cross them with this friend in the green vest  I think I wouldn't be afraid at all, no matter what the route..

“저.. 혹시.. 제가 옆자리에 앉아도 될까요..?”

“Excuse me.. Would it be okay if.. I sat next to you..?”

또 기억조작 하게 만드시는 분.. 버스에서 만날 수만 있다면 매일 같은 시간 같은 버스를 타렵니다..

He’s making me imagine things again..  If I could just meet him on the bus  I would take the same bus at the same time every day.. 

WOW.. 이런 친구들하고 같이 여행하면 너무 좋을 것 같다.. 내가 캐리어가 되어도 좋아.. 7명과 같이 간다면 어디든 함께하겠어..

보기만 했는데 내 마음은 이미 휴양지고, 여행지다..

WOW.. Going on a trip with these guys would be so great.. I’m okay with being the suitcase too.. I’d go anywhere as long as I get to go with these 7

Just looking at them makes my heart feel like it’s at a vacation spot, a holiday destination..

방림이 정신 차려! 아직 만나봐야 할 사진이 더 있다구!

Bangbell, get it together! There are still pictures that you have to go see!

그럼 또 다른 컨셉도 만나볼까요!

So, let’s go see a different concept!

컨셉_천재만재_비티엣스.JPG

Concept_Geniuses_BTS.JPG

방탄소년단 뭔데.. 순수, 청순, 큐트, 스윗, 댄디, 풋풋, 러블리, 핸썸, 쿨.. 대체 이 컨셉 소화력 무엇..!!

BTS what are you... Innocent, youthful, cute, sweet, preppy, fresh, lovely, handsome, cool.. What on earth is this ability to pull off every concept..!!

냉탕 온탕 왔다 갔다 하느라 방림이 정신이 또 혼미..

Going back and forth between a cold shower and a hot spring I’m in a complete daze

앞에서 보았던 컨셉과는 180도 다른 매력에 아미 여러분도 정신이 혼미하시다구요?

Because this was a complete 180 from the concept you saw before You guys are also in a daze, you say?

이건 비밀인데요…

This is a secret but...

사실..

Actually..

시즌 그리팅 안에는 오늘 공개된 사진 외에도 더 다양하고 멋진…!!!!!!!

Other than pictures shared today, there's stuff in the Season's Greetings' that's even more diverse and cool and...!!!!!!!

여기까지만 말씀드리겠습니다.

That’s all I’ll say.

하지만! 이렇게 사진만 들고 왔을 방림이가 아니죠!?

But! I didn’t come here with just pictures, did I?!

티저를 보고 너무너무 소장하고 싶어 할 아미들을 위해 방림이의 조그마한 선물..♥

For ARMYs, who probably saw the teaser and really really wanted to own it,  I have a tiny present..♥

모두 저장할 준비 되셨나요?

Everyone, are you ready to save some pictures?

Caption: Dokgo Mint Choco (T/N: ‘Dokgo’ is a rare surname, and was likely chosen to rhyme with ‘Mint Choco’.)

Caption: Tuna-flavoured Cucumber (T/N: In the early days of the game MapleStory, a common trend among Korean users was to use ridiculous food pairings as their username, e.g. Watermelon-flavoured Shrimp Crackers.)

Caption: Taejeon-dong shooting guard T/N: Taejeon-dong is the neighbourhood in Daegu that Suga is from.)

Caption: Ilgok-dong Bounce (T/N: ‘Ilgok-dong’ is a neighbourhood in Buk district of Gwangju which is also J-Hope’s hometown.)

Caption: Football King Jjim Dori (T/N: A play on ‘축구왕 슛돌이’/chook-gu-wang shoot-dori, the Korean title for Japanese anime ‘Moreo! Top Striker’. The caption replaces ‘슛’/shoot with ‘찜’/jjim, a cute way of shortening Jimin’s name.)

Caption: Bangtan-dong Long-headed Grasshopper (T/N: ‘Dong’ is the suffix for neighbourhoods in Korea.)

Caption: Busan Guy (T/N: The Korean word used here is 싸나이/ssa-na-i, which is Busan dialect for ‘guy’. The stereotypical image of a Busan guy is someone who is tough and manly.)

그 어디에서도 본 적 없는

♥빌보드 핫 백 2주 연속 1위 하고♥ ♥2주 연속 2위 하고♥ ♥다시 1위랑 2위하고♥ ♥Savage Love랑 Dynamite로 1위 2위 동시에 한♥ ♥비티엣스 배경화면 선물♥

Those were never-before-seen phone wallpapers of BTS who were

♥Billboard Hot 100 No. 1 for two weeks and♥ ♥No. 2 for two weeks and♥ ♥Then No. 1 and then No. 2 again and then♥ ♥No.1 and No.2 at the same time with Savage Love and Dynamite♥ ♥as a present♥

그러나 뭔가 허전하시다구요? 단체 배경화면은 어딨냐구요?

But there’s still something missing, you say? Where’s the group wallpaper, you ask?

이것을 놓칠 방림이가 아니죠.

단체 배경화면은 방탄소년단 포스트에서만 독.점.공.개! 미공개 사진으로 준비했습니다!!

Bangbell wouldn’t just forget it, of course. 

The group wallpaper is here on BTS’ Naver Post Ex.clu.sive.ly! I’ve got an unreleased  picture  for you

Caption: BTS

누군가 뒤에서 흐뭇하게 아미들의 배경화면을 바라보고 있다면 그건 바로 방림이! (씨익)

ARMYs, if you see someone behind you smiling at your phone wallpapers, that’s me, Bangbell! (Grin)

많은 아미들 휴대폰 배경화면으로 저.장. 되면 뿌듯할 것 같은 방림이는 이만 인사드리겠습니다.

If many ARMYs sa.ve. this as their phone wallpaper I think I’ll be really proud. Now it’s time for me to say goodbye.

(스포주의) 오늘 시즌 그리팅 포스트는 1탄에 불과ㅎㅏ..ㅇ_ㅇ!!!!!

(Spoiler alert) Today’s Season’s Greetings post is just part 1..ㅇ_ㅇ!!!!!

아-뿅!

A-Poof!

(T/N: Short for “Bye ARMY! Poof!”, which is how Bangbell always ends these posts.)

[Note]

본 포스트는 빅히트 엔터테인먼트에서 직접 운영하는 포스트입니다.

This Naver Post account is personally run by Big Hit Entertainment.

[End Note]

Trans cr; Faith & Aditi @ bts-trans | Typeset cr; XPXOXD @ bts-trans © TAKE OUT WITH FULL CREDITS

[colehasapen]

(ONE SHOT) What is a legacy? DC

A03

When Wally had first met Earth's new Green Lantern, the  oh-so great Torchbearer, he'd wanted nothing to do with him. Wally - he'd grown up with Hal, then later John, and even Guy, and now all three were gone. He'd grown up with Hal dipping in and out of his Aunt and Uncles' house like he lived there. He'd grown up coming down to breakfast in the morning and seeing Uncle Hal there too, having just come back from space to crawl into bed next to Uncle Barry. When Aunt Iris had been killed, and Uncle Barry started spiraling out of control, it had been Uncle Hal who had kept everything together, who had promised Wally that he wouldn't let Barry out of his sight, that he'd watch his back. It had been Uncle Hal who Wally went to after Uncle Barry's death and the weight of being the Flash was too heavy.

Uncle Hal had been Wally's Green Lantern.

But Hal had broken too. He'd gone crazy and killed the Corps and then vanished. Hal had caved under the pressure no one had known he was under until it was too late, and when he'd come back he was mad.

Wally hadn't wanted a new Green Lantern, wouldn't give him the time of day, until he'd found himself outnumbered during a meeting discussing Hal - Lord Parallax - and had tried to argue that his Uncle needed compassion, understanding, and  help , not a fight. They'd called him too close to the situation, too young to know what needed to be done, like Wally hadn't been a hero since he was thirteen, like he was still the little kid in yellow who followed the Flash around and started at them all in childish awe. They could never separate him from the child he could be, but the new Lantern had never known him then, and had stood up and agreed with him.

It had worked too, because in the end, Hal had taken the hand being offered to him, and died to save the world.

After that, Wally had found himself seeking the Lantern out on his own. They still bickered, but Wally found that it reminded him more of the playful ribbing of Uncle Barry and Uncle Hal than any genuine bad blood. He got to know him, started genuinely thinking of him as a friend. He learned that his name is Kyle Rayner, that he’s two years younger than Wally and an independent artist that struggled to pay his bills now that he couldn’t spend all his time on commissions. He’s told that Kyle was well-liked growing up for being generally friendly and easy-going, but didn’t actually have friends until art college because he was just a little too weird for other kids to want to be around him long enough to actually hang out. He learns that Kyle’s mother is an Irish immigrant, that she was his biggest supporter growing up, and that he doesn’t know his father because the man walked out on them when Kyle was still very young, that the only memory of his father Kyle has is vaguely of him speaking Spanish. He learns that Kyle is multilingual, that he grew up speaking English and Gaelic, and learned Spanish in school. He learns the hard way that Kyle is lactose intolerant, and allergic to nuts. He learns funny little anecdotes about Kyle learning to draw before he learned how to walk, he learns that Kyle loves spicy food but doesn’t eat it often because the right spices don’t exist in space.

He learns a lot about Kyle, and it leads to Wally learning about himself as well.

He’d always known he wasn’t straight. He liked and dated girls, of course, he thought they were beautiful, but there was also a part of him that lingered a little too much during training. There was a part of him that looked at certain friends and said,  damn I’d like to kiss him. Dick had been the first, back when they’d still been young sidekicks just starting out, and it had continued on wards for a bit too. It had been reciprocated too; they’d messed around together a bit, but they’d ended it on good terms because Wally wasn’t ready to completely come out yet. He’d been happy for Dick, when he’d started dating Kori, then Babs, and then more and more people. After Dick had been Roy, for a little bit, because Roy was the cool, rebellious older boy, but it wasn’t long before that little crush faded away and Wally started looking at him like an older brother. He’d had that really embarrassing teenage crush on John Stewart for a while, the one that had made Hal burst a gut laughing at him for, before ruffling his hair and telling him under no uncertain terms that it wouldn’t be happening.

Well, Wally had known for a while that he liked men too, even if he hadn’t exactly come out to anyone but those he was closest too. His head was filled full of his dad’s hateful words, something he was working hard to shut out. Kyle though, he didn’t hide the fact that he was trans, or that he was pan - he’d grown up in California and now lived in New York, both of which had more of a thriving community than the likes of the small Midwestern Blue Valley Wally had lived in before moving to Central after getting his powers, and then Keystone after he became the Flash and living in Barry’s house was too much for him.

Kyle was - well, he was nice. A breath of fresh air, really. He was a fellow hero, a member of the main roster, so he knows Wally’s identity and understands the demands of being a superhero better than a civilian would. He’s his age, but didn’t grow up with him, and he  gets  what Wally is going through, standing in someone else’s shoes and being judged as less worthy compared to his predecessor. Before Wally knows it, he finds himself drifting closer and closer to Kyle, to the point where he’s heard older heroes whispering between them of another Flash-Green Lantern team up.

Apparently it brings back nostalgic emotions to see a Flash and Green Lantern dozing off in the rec room, lights dim and some silly movie or another playing in the background. Wally’s just glad he and Kyle have more control than Uncle Hal did, and haven’t been found in a cleaning closet somewhere.

Now, Wally is pretty sure he knows how Uncle Barry felt whenever Hal would stumble into the house at all hours of the night after a long mission in space to pass out in the bed next to him. He’s gotten used to the faint green glow that accompanies Kyle powering down, the faint hum of the Lantern uniform against his skin before it melts away to whatever civvies Kyle happened to be wearing before getting called out. There’s a soft warmth that comes with waking up in the morning to find Kyle sprawled out next to him, lit up by the soft golden light streaming in through the windows as he breathes, deep asleep. There’s a giddiness that comes with finding more and more of Kyle’s things slowly being added to his apartment; it starts with pajamas and extra clothes, but soon Wally is finding art supplies scattered around, or Kyle’s favourite butterscotch shampoo in the shower.

It’s how Wally realizes that he’s in love with his teammate.

He’s staring down at the innocently placed soap he remembers seeing before in Kyle’s shower when it hits him. Nowadays, Kyle spends more time at Wally’s apartment than anywhere else other than the Watchtower when he’s planet-side, and not out rebuilding the entire Green Lantern Corps on his own. Wally isn’t even sure when it started, that he started bringing more and more of his things to Wally’s small Keystone apartment. He thinks back to the sketchbooks and half-finished paintings scattered around the rooms, of the lactose free milk he didn’t think twice before buying when grocery shopping, of the space in his drawers made for Kyle’s clothes and the paint stained shirts in the laundry basket. He thinks about the lack of nut products in his apartment, of the boxes of tampons and pads he doesn't even blink over stocking up on anymore.

Wally moves so fast he’s dry instantly, bursting into his bedroom where Kyle lays among rumbled sheets. His white t-shirt had ridden up in his sleep, and the waistband of his track pants down, exposing a thin line of the packed core muscles that came with the training they all endured in the League. Somehow, his dark hair looks artfully tousled, inky against the sheets, and lashes just as dark are fanned across sun-browned skin and freckles.

He’s unfairly pretty.

“Kyle!”

Kyle jolts, ring flaring green as he stares around groggily, looking for a threat, “Wha-”

“Are we dating?” Wally blurts out, uncaring of his nakedness in the face of his realization.

Kyle blinks once, twice, looking fuzzy, before he groans, long and dramatic as his uniform dissolves into green sparkles and he drops back onto the bed, throwing an arm over his eyes. There’s a long moment of silence, before the Lantern snorts, and then bursts into breathless giggles.

Wally flounders, “I’m serious!”

Kyle slants a look at him from under his arm, brown eyes warm and almost honey gold in the morning light, “I’d hope we’re dating.” Kyle tells him, voice thick with sleepy amusement, “Otherwise I’ve  really been overstepping.”

Wally blushes, feeling a little silly, now that he’s thinking about it. They - they really  have been dating, haven’t they? “Oh.” Flustered, Wally rubs a hand down his face, hoping to brush away the burning in his cheeks.

Kyle snickers again, expression warm. “You’re adorable.”

Wally groans, “I’m never going to live this down, am I?” He mutters, listening to Kyle dissolve into giggles again.

“Oh, definitely.” The Lantern teases, before sitting up and stretching with a yawn. “Well,” he drawls, amused, “now that I’m awake -” brown eyes rake across Wally’s body, and an eyebrow quirks, “- got a reason for this  visit ?” His voice takes on more of a purr, and Wally blinks in confusion.

Then he remembers.

“Oh.” Wally squeaks, red spreading rapidly across his  completely naked body. “I - shower -  soap - it’s just-” he cuts himself with an embarrassed groan. "I'm making this worse."

Kyle doubles over from the force of his laughter, holding his stomach as he wheezes, hand flapping. “Kidding -” he gasps, “- I’m just kidding.” The Lantern slides off the bed, still snickering, to press a lightning-quick kiss to his lips that, for Wally, lingers for so much longer. “Go have a shower, babe.” Kyle tells him warmly, “I’ll make some breakfast.”

[thiswasinevitableid]

“On the Edge”verse - Stern and Barclay act out a scene where Stern, trying to hide that he’s a Sylph, shows up in Barclay’s, a famous cryptozoologist who is trying to find and document the werewolf, room late at night to intimidate him into leaving town. He tells Barclay that he is an FBI agent undercover at the lodge and that having any kind of reporter could jeopardize his mission. Barclay tells him to fuck off and things get heated, Stern accidentally gets revealed as the werewolf and tries another method of intimidation. NSFW, please

Here you go! For folks who want to know, On the Edge is my reverse AU. You can read this as a standalone as long as you know that Barclay is a human cook and amateur cryptid hunter and Stern is a Sylph.  Barclay is trans, and has had top surgery and phallo.

“What would you’ve done if I made it back and shared that footage I got of you?” Barclay asks from his favorite spot in the world; laid out on his boyfriends furry torso, watching him try to do a crossword puzzle without tearing the pages on his claws.

“After Mama read me the riot act, I would have tried to get it back from you before you could put it online.”

“You realize it woulda looked hella suspicious if the Lodge Manager was suddenly trying to get me to turn over my camera. Or, like, snooping in my room.”

“Hmmm” Joseph sets the puzzle book and pen aside, scratching Barclay’s back lightly through his shirt, “I would have come up with a cover story. I’m not bad at those.”

“Babe, I love you, but you’re one of the worst actors I’ve ever met.”

“That’s in roleplay. Cover stories are different; I’m me, but in a different context. I could have pretended to be an FBI Agent, for instance.”

“Oh fuck that’s hot.” Barclay groans.

“Yeah? In that case, big guy,  I have an idea...”

----------------------------------------------------------

Joseph adjusts his tie, smooths down his lapels, and knocks on the door. A click-thunk of the deadbolt and it swings open, revealing his favorite Lodge resident. Barclay is a lumberjack pin-up come to life, complete with short beard and a fondness for plaid. He’s gentle to a fault, an amazing cook, and taller than Stern (when he’s human, of course). His size features frequently in the unhelpful part of Sterns brain dedicated to fantasizing about his future mate.

“Hey, you’re up kinda late.” Barclay smiles at him. His auburn hair is tied back, his thick, blue bathrobe tied tight, and for a moment Stern is tongue-tied.

When he collects himself, he crowds the other man back into the room, “It’s because something important has come up.”

“Do you have a sec before you get into it? I have something I gotta show you. You know how I’ve been on the trail of those werewolf sightings? I finally got lucky and got footage of it. An honest to god werewolf, Joseph, can you believe it.”

“Yes” he says, grimly, “that’s why I’m here. I, um, haven’t been honest with you. I’m not just the manager here at Amnesty. I’m an FBI agent with the department of Unexplained Phenomenon, and I’ve been investigating the strange goings-on in Kepler for years.”

“But...but that’s great! We can work together, with my footage and your resources, we could finally prove the existence of cryptids.” Barclay grabs his arms, beaming.

Joseph shrugs them off, “No, it’s not good at all. Barclay, I’ve dedicated my life to this mission. Any kind of publicity could put it all at risk, and that is not something I will allow. Which is why” he holds out his hand, “you’re going to give me the footage.”

Barclay balks, “Like hell I am. You wanna talk about life’s work? Half my profession thinks I’m crazy, and I’ve spent years wandering around every fucking backwater town, chasing every half-baked, wild-ass lead in hopes of finding the truth. This footage is it, it’s everything I’ve worked for, and no one is taking it from me.”

“If you don’t hand it over, I’ll charge you with interference in goverment business.”

“Fucking try it.” Barclay brings them toe to toe, glaring down at him, “the man in black shit’s never scared me.”

“It should. I know you’ve heard theories about what we do to people who know too much, and some of them are true.”

“I thought you were better than this, Joseph. I thought you were on my side.”

“I could be, if you cooperate. I don’t want to do this, any of this, but my mission is to valuable to let you post that video.”

Brown eyes dart towards the cookie-cutter dresser, the same one in each room of the lodge. Atop this one is a SIM card. Joseph is just a little faster than Barclay, grabbing the card the instant before the taller man grabs him.

“Get your hands off me!’

“Give me back my fucking stuff!”

Joseph pushes off the dresser, nearly sending them both to the floor, “No, I have it, it’s goverment property now!”

A laugh that Barclay just manages to cover with a growl, “That’s not how that works, asshole!”

“Face facts Barclay, the footage is mine, and I’m going to get rid of it.”

Barclay grabs his wrist, twisting it to try and free the card, “Over my dead fucking body!”

Joseph shoves him away, discovers two things at once: Barclay has the card, and his enchanted bracelet is on the floor. The suit rips as reality shifts, black fabric hanging, tattered, as the tie snaps and drops onto the rug.

“Hah!” Barclay’s eyes are on the plastic square in his palm. It’s not until he hears the growl that he glances up, “fuck!”

“Over your dead body?” Joseph bares his teeth, “that can be arranged.”

Barclay stumbles backwards, too focused on the werewolf stalking towards him to watch his step. His knees catch the edge of the bed and he falls onto it with a yelp. Keeps crawling, as if the headboard and wall will just dissolve when he hits them, rather than trap him. Or maybe he’s planning to hide under the cover. Joseph doesn’t really care, his plan allows for plenty of contingencies.

“You, you’re the one. The wolf in the video.”

“That’s right.” He reaches out, plucks the card from Barclays fingers. Waits until he’s watching to snap it in half and toss the pieces into the trash, “hmm, that was much easier. Maybe I should have started with this plan. I avoided it due to the downsides.”

“Like?” Barclay is gradually flattening against the headboard.

“Like the fact that if you know the whole truth about me, I can’t let you leave.”

“Joseph, please-”

“I didn’t want to do this, but you didn’t leave me much choice.”

“I’m gonna call for help, someone’ll hear me-”

“Everyone at the Lodge knows the truth about me, knows I’m getting that footage tonight. They won’t come to help you, not matter what they hear through the walls.” He snarls, grabbing Barclay’s ankles and yanking him flat on his back. Fear spikes though the air, sharp and acid in his nose. The sweeter scent of arousal floats behind it. He ignores that part; it must be coming from another room.

“I’ll be quick, I promise.”

Barclay pulls a pillow protectively across his chest, “Wait! T-there’s a duplicate if the video. I burned it to another drive just in case. If, if you kill me, it’ll always be out there, waiting for someone to find it.”

Joseph cocks his head, “That does put us at an impasse.”

“If you promise not to hurt me, I’ll give it to you AHgod” He whimpers as Joseph crawls up his body, nudging the robe open with his snout as he scents the arousal once more. It’s undoubtedly coming from the man under him.

He drags his tongue up Barclay’s throat, grips his chin to force him to keep it exposed as he snuffles and licks at it, “That’s fair. And I have a further, um, incentive for you. You” he growls low in Barclay’s ear, chuckles when he squirms, “monsterfucker.”

“Do you mean you’ll, uh” his voice creeps up an octave, “fuck me? Like, fuck me fuck me?”

“Yes, needy boy, it does.”

“Drive’s in the bottom of my suitcase, in the trick bottom of the black pair of boots.”

Joseph laughs, “That didn’t take long. I’ll deal with it later.” He flips Barclay onto his stomach with ease, “right now I have a handsome human to handle.”

“Yes, fuck, please handle me babe, please. Wanted you to touch me for months.” Barclay flails his robe off.

“Yeah?” Joseph ghosts his claws up and down the human’s sides, “does the werewolf thing add to that desire?”

“Yes” the blush spreads up his back, “I just, I want you so bad Joseph, in any form, every form.”

“Was that what you were thinking of when you put this in?” Joseph presses his thumb down on the blue, silicone plug nestled in Barclays’ ass.

“Look, jerking off to you is an important part of my nightly routine.”

“I do love a man with a schedule.” He squeezes his ass in both hands, admiring the pinpricks of red from his claws. Barclay whimpers, pushes his hips up as Joseph goes for another handful.

“I see someone likes to be submissive.”

“Fuck yeah, wanna be held down, roughed up, wanna do what I’m told.”

“Oh? Does this fit the bill?” Joseph blankets himself over the human, letting him feel how he dwarfs him.

“Uhhuh, fuck, fuck that’s so fucking hot.”

The werewolf noses the base of his neck, draws his lips back to bite it. It doesn’t break the skin, but it clearly communicates that Barclay cannot get away unless Joseph allows it. It’s rude, an inelegant sign of dominance over a partner, but Barclay has not been well-behaved tonight. And from the sounds spilling out of his chest, he likes the threat of teeth on tender skin.

Joseph rolls his hips, grinding until his cock perks up. As soon as it bumps him, Barclay reaches off the side of the bed, retrieving a bottle of lube from the bedside table.

“Glad you have a large bottle. We’re going to need it.” He works the plug out, hums approvingly when he finds it on the larger end. Dumps a handful of lube onto his cock, trying not to think of how much laundry this will all generate.

“On your knees and raise your hips. Good boy.” He works the tip in, Barclay moaning the entire time.

“More, I want more, please” the human pushes back, cried out in delight when he gains another inch. Joseph is keenly aware that his tongue is starting to loll out as he watches Barclay spread wider and wider on his cock. It’s been years since he fucked a human this way, and the tight warmth has him panting in no time.

“So, should I, ahfuck, expect your next book to include a chapter on the mating habits of werewolves?” Joseph teases, pulling Barclay’s hair free of it’s tie so he can bury is face in it, scenting him in new ways.

“Y-yeah but it’s, it’s gonnaFUCK, be like a fucking sentence, max, because the other is too busy getting his brains fucked out to research.”

“Why not do both at once?” He grips the human tight, hauls him upright and turns them ninety degrees to face the mirror on the closet door. Barclay takes one look at the clawed hands grabbing his chest and waist and tips his head back to moan loud enough that Joseph’s ears perk up. The fact he just slid another inch down his cock may also be a factor.

“Now” Joseph skates a hand down his tan, hairy belly, stops to tease his cock once before continuing lower, tilting the human so he can clearly see the cock thrusting into him, “you’ll notice that you’re hitting the protoknot. In many instances of sex, it’s the stopping point.”

“Don’t wanna stop, wanna take it” Barclay paws at Josephs arms and thighs.

“I thought you might say that.  I suggest bracing your hands on mine so you’re upper body isn’t thrown about.” He plants his hands on Barclays hips, waits for the human to follow the suggestion. Slowly, he puts more and more downward pressure on that sturdy yet oh-so-fragile frame. At the same time, he pushes his hips up, wiggling them back and forth, side to side, so the knot works in incrementally. Barclay gasps and grunts, holding him so tight that he feels his fingernails through the fur on his hands.

He gives a sharp growl and a final thrust, and bottoms out.

“AHnnnngod”

“I agree.” He dips his head, nipping and mouthing at Barclay’s shoulders. Then he grins, “if you want a sense of scale, look down.”

Barclay does, whimpering when he sees the outline of Josephs’ cock inside him.

“For such a sweet little mate, you can take an awful lot.” He starts on a slow tempo, Barclay reaching down to touch his lower belly.

“Holy shit, that’s wild. I wonder if--uh, b-babe? What’s happening.”

Joseph kisses his cheek, “Remember how I called it a protoknot?”

“It’s gonna get bigger?” There’s a fine line between excitement and hysteria, and Barclays’ voice is riding it.

“Yes. This is a reward, but it’s also insurance against you running off an revealing my existence. Keeping you stuck on my cock all night is an excellent way to keep you from acting on any second thoughts. Mmmmm, oh that’s good” he speeds up, the human bouncing in his lap, “I cannot wait to fill you up. It’s going to take all night and it’s going to be great, you’ll be covered in my marks, stuffed full of my cum, no one will doubt you’re mine.”

Barclay snickers, “Getting territorial on me, blue eyes?”

In reply, Joseph sinks his teeth into his shoulder, the thought of anyone else daring to touch his human, his Barclay, his mate, his love, driving his hips faster and faster until he spills into him, leaving no doubt as to who his ass belongs to.

“FUCKfuck, babe, baby, ohgod” Barclay wriggles, then throws his head back as Joseph closes his fingers around his cock. Turning his face leaves it half-buried in black fur, his breath warm on Josephs upper chest, “yes, that feels so good, please don’t stop, wanna cum, wanna cum on your cock.”

Joseph kisses his head, “You will, good boy, I promise.” He works him over with loving efficiency, growing more protective and affectionate with every moan and whine that Barclay tries to muffle in his chest. When the human cums he bears down and tightens, which Joseph’s body takes as a cue. He cums again as he strokes Barclay through his climax, letting out a satisfied growl at the fact he can already feel his cum starting to pool around the head of his cock.

“You’re so small” He coos, caressing every part of the human he can reach, “you’re already straining to take it. I wonder what state you’ll be in tomorrow morning.”

Barclay raises a clawed hand to his lips, kissing it before rubbing his cheek into the palm, “Only one way to find out.”

---------------------------------------------

“Barclay? Are you with me, big guy?” Human fingers card the hair from his face as warm lips kiss his forehead and nose.

“Uh huh. When did I finally conk out?”

“Around three in the morning. I was able to pull out about a half hour later. I toweled off the worst of the mess, but you’ll probably still want a bath.”

He opens his eyes; Joseph, in his X-Files pajamas, smiles at him and then nestles down into his arms, “I already started coffee, and I got you those granola bars you like so you’re not going into your shift too hungry.”

“Thanks, babe.”

”Are you sore?”

“Sitting might be a challenge today, but it was worth it.”

“Need anything?”

He tips his boyfriend’s chin up to kiss him, “Nope. Got what I need right here.”

[rcbirth]

[ CHELLA MAN, TRANS & GENDERQUEER, HE/HIM ] shh ! FISCHEL “FISH” ABRAMS, the ( TWENTY-TWO ) year old THIRD year SOCIOLOGY & PUBLIC POLICY major from CHICAGO, IL is known as an EMERALD around here. HE was invited to join because HIS TED TALK ON THE COMMUNITY ORGANIZATION & RESTAURANT HE COFOUNDED HIT OVER 500MILL VIEWS, and now, they’re here to stay. HE reminds me of THE SMELL OF DINNER COOKING FROM THE NEXT ROOM OVER, SWIMMING ON A SUMMER NIGHT, RUNNER’S HIGH AT THE END OF A RACE. // @opalsmedia

howdy pals! my name is del ( she/they ), and i am jazzed to be here! i’ve been peaking at this rp since it showed up in the tags, so to say i’m excited about bringin my kiddo fish in is an understatement. a lil about me before i get into some basics and links for more info about fish... i’m twenty-three from the cst timezone. i work full-time, but my hours are funky, so you may see me at random hours of the day. big music fan, lover of public health things, over-using kermit the frog memes, & thriller shows and books ( anyone else almost lose it during the season finale of the undoing ??? )! warning: i rant a lot.... and am.... so long winded.... pls forgive me.

now for the fun part.... bby fish! i’m just going to give you basics to reference here, because the link ‘extended info’ has much more extensive head canons, wanted plots, stats, and his full bio.

born into a really well off & successful family ( dad = doctor & professor at UC’s med school, mom = big wig in dem establishment & advisor to ... oop! state senator obama ), fish had just about everything that he could ever need growing up. fish was super eager to please his parents and really ??? everyone. 

his grandma was and still is his favorite person to have ever walked this earth. probably has a tattoo for that woman but like ... she’s a peach 1/2 so rightfully so. 

two things about his grandma.... first! her maiden name was fischel, and when fish was growing up, she’d always call him her little fish. it just stuck, and that was that! he would forever be known fischel for business™ and fish for the pals. second! she was his biggest advocate and always believed in him. ( food tw ): she helped encourage his love and interest in cooking, food, food soc, etc. they were big julia child fans. a lot of grandma/fish time was literally just them goofing around in the kitchen and trying to recreate things they saw her make. also.... chicago just has a phenomenal food scene in general, and those two really soaked it in, trying out the various signature dishes of the various neighborhoods, and learning about the history behind them. ( tw end )

he loves anthony bourdain & samin nosrat. big fan.

( divorce tw ) parents got divorced and didn’t really say much other than that he would stay with his father in chicago and visit his mom on alternating holidays and summers. there wasn’t like The Discussion ( tw end )

while he was doing a lil medical internship and staying out with his mom ( cancer, death of a loved one tw ) he got the news that his grandmother’s cancer had gotten to the point where she had been put on life support. his father made the decision that it was in her best interest and fish’s to end her support. fish found out after she had already passed. he tried to claim that it was in his best interest since fish had always been too emotional and the family’s so there wouldn’t be this massive fight.... ( tw end ) cue beginning of resentment of the fam & realization that he’s got no one in his corner except himself

our table <3333 ( food tw ) okay so taking inspiration from his time touring chicago neighborhoods with his grandma & idolizing bourdain and nosrat, fish created what began as an after school club with some of his pals. the idea was to learn about food accessibility, urban farming, food sociology, & cooking from peers, but fish had Big Big plans & wanted it to turn into a bit of a safe haven for kids & young adults on the southside. ( tw end ) utilizing both support from partnerships with other chicago based non profits, school, and locals in the food scene, he helped start the building process for an actual brick and mortar place for our table. 

this got some buzz, and when a journalist came to interview fish and the other co founders they even received national attention... leading to what would be a ted talk appearance in the future, but back to entering strathmore...

fish hopes to utilize both sociology and public policy degrees to help him become a policy advocate and researcher. he hates how slow moving and formal things always were with his mom’s work. his goal is to utilize research about community based efforts and organizations ( like our table ) and science, to create substantial and sustainable policy for politicians that aren’t scared of being seen as “””too radical””.

his invitation into the society came months later after his ted talk reached over 500 million views. although, he’ll tell you it's because word got around to the members who heard about how good of a chef he is .... he loves it. he literally longs ... yearns some might say .... for community and is very committed and protective over his circlet. 

grief, guilt tw: poppy’s disappearance has him borderline unhinged a bit. she was one of the people he considered himself closer too, and it’s just an unearthing of some of the feelings he had right after his grandmother’s death of anger, confusion, guilt etc. he won’t openly express that or talk about it, but it definetely manifests itself physically. tw end

inspiration-wise, he is a mix of laurel castillo from how to get away with murder, pope heyward from outer banks, grizz from the society, dani clayton from bly manor, emily prentiss from criminal minds, and a bit of payton hobart from the politican. 

music inspiration: willow tree by tash sultana & jerome farah, ain’t it fun by paramore, barefoot in the park by james blake, bad bad news by leon bridges

his personality is that he’s a sociable guy for the most part, but he’s definetely an introvert really enjoying his time for himself. he’s very methodical despite how emotional he is and can be. very creative, protective, blunt .... this can run him into issues even if he just means it as a joke.... many times its not though, he’s pretty critical of others and esp himself, but also v loyal and thoughtful when it comes down to the pals.... will be dropping off some homemade soup and crackers if he knows you’re fighting a lil cold.

BIG THINGS: a lot of his character is based around the subtle, warm intimacy of small dinners with loved ones??? this is what he longs for more than anything and always has??? it’s not super overstated or in your face, but you know its there because you can feel it. in the past you saw him being more passive, kinda allowing himself to float in the background, but now he really is his own advocate and creates community wherever he can. he’s v intentional in his relationships and conversations, not wanting to have just surface level connections or chats. he is v much a Scorpio™.

see more. pinterest. plots. template credit.

[frain-breeze]

Hey guys, some updates. (And face reveal lol)

My name is Hayden. I’m 20yo and I have just recently come out as a trans male. (Pre T). I’ve still got lots of figuring out to do when it comes to medical and legal transitioning, but so far I’m in the process of socially transitioning. I’ve come out to close friends, old coworkers, and all my social media. I’ve quit my job and am in the process of looking for a new one. I will be applying as male. Here are some photos and videos to document my progress so far. It breaks my heart that anybody in this world views me as something I’m not. I have always been a boy, I always will be. For my own health sake, and life, I can’t keep suppressing my identity. I am not happy in a female body and I refuse to settle for anything less than who I am. I’m very thankful for the support I’ve received so far. Unfortunately I don’t have many trans friends, and my family is not supportive. Being a legal adult, I’m free to go through transitioning without their permission or approval. But it’s hard when you have no idea what you’re really doing or where to start. Ahhh... anyway, here we go!

March 28, 2021

I finally buy my own binder from GC2B, a half tank Black binder in the size 3X. I was worried it wouldn’t fit because I am a bigger guy and couldn’t find a way to measure myself so I took an educated guess based off bra size. Honestly? Even after working for 6-7 months, the reason I held off buying one for sooo long was because the size chart stressed me out. I don’t have measuring tape and I was just anxious lol. Eventually after purchasing it, I got impatient and did something that’s strongly advised against. Please don’t ever do this, it’s harmful to yourself and your body. But I bought ace bandaging. I only wore it one time (no longer than 30mins), never left the house with it, took a picture and took it off never to put it back on. But I just wanted to feel flat for once. My dysphoria was hurting me mentally and I needed that reassurance. But it’s still wrong to do, don’t use bandages guys. Here’s the picture I took.

April 8, 2021.

Definitely not the most flat, but it was a major improvement compared to my natural chest. Plus I felt confident in my new “Over My Dad Body” shirt. I took the bandages off, threw them on the floor of my bedroom and laid down on my bed for hours. Just thinking. Feeling. Hurting. My chest hurts me, it’s mental torture. Little did I know that the very next day...

April 9, 2021.

I was getting ready to leave the house, when I heard my text tone go off. I signed up for FedEx update texts, so I didn’t think much of it as I went to read the text. But it said my package was in my mailbox, and I snatched it sooo fast and ran to the bathroom. Without thinking about it, I tore the package open and wiggled my way into the binder. I couldn’t wait another second. I was amazed with it on its own, but as soon as I put my shirt back on all emotions took over me. I couldn’t stop crying, I went to Snapchat to share my excitement and this is that video. It’s so comfortable, and most importantly... it fit. I was ecstatic! I wanted to try every shirt I owned, as they all fit differently with the binder on. I looked amazing.

Like I said, I am a bigger guy. This binder pic was taken yesterday (April 22, 2021) because I didn’t feel comfortable yet to show my big body lol, but as you can see, I feel much more comfortable with my binder. Thanks, GC2B!

To sum it all up, I’m choosing to live openly and freely as myself now. I’m trying to get into Facebook groups and such to find more transgender friends, and hopefully find some guidance along the way. I fully instend on transitioning medically and legally along the way. I would like nothing more than to start testosterone (HRT). I’ve dreamed of taking testosterone for as long as I can remember. Well, thank you all for reading this thread. I’ve been going through a lot lately, and this is just a piece of it. Stay awesome and stay healthy, friends. Love ya! -Hayden

[heraldofzaun]

//Still lurking.

Some thoughts below the cut. A little melancholic. A little ranty. Many thoughts on how Viktor is perceived by the fandom at large. It got away from me.

I think I’ve mentioned it elsewhere, but I have followers here and this is also a Viktor blog... I think it would be nice if people stopped making fun of Viktor’s accent - I saw T/BSkyen’s (I think that keeps me out of the tag) shorts video on Viktor, and it was disheartening that he chose to make fun of Viktor’s accent several times throughout a one-minute video. No other character with a hammy, over-the-top accent, as far I know, receives this treatment. No one makes fun of Caitlyn’s British accent in character analyses of her. No one makes fun of Fiora’s French accent in character analyses of her. (I just checked his videos on them, actually, and guess what - no mocking their accents by doing them! Although Fiora’s accent does get mentioned, at the least.)

Just... stop doing it? We know the accent is cartoonishly bad and not accurate to actual Russian accents at all. But why, specifically, are people - T/BSkyen, in this instance - compelled to make fun of Viktor by putting on an accent and saying “Get reed of all emotions“ and “GLORIOUS EVOLUTION” and “BEEP BOOP ROBOT BRAIN”? (The misspelling in the first is not mine. It is in the actual subtitles for the video.)

I mean, we all know that the answer is the fact that American (and other countries, but we can focus on America for now) media spent the Cold War convincing Americans that Russians and Eastern Europeans were mindless followers of ideology and/or Crazy Insane Scientists, instead of like... people with diverse thoughts and feelings who may or may not agree with their government, but like... I have to ask the rhetorical questions here because no one else is going to apparently. Anyways it’s 2021 stop conflating people and the governments they live under, I guess.

Anyways, also very disheartening that I just checked the pinned comment on that video and he is now saying that Viktor’s endpoint is the Battlecast universe, which is not a canon fact even in current lore. It’s an assumption. I can’t even say that Full Machine Viktor is Viktor’s endpoint, because that was retconned into being a janitor skin that randomly breaks into Spanish in the skin bio for a... “joke”? (Because that’s a cool thing to do. I’d ask how that got past anyone, but that’s a pointless question.) But Battlecast is not stated anywhere to be the end result of canonical Viktor, as far as I know. I suppose it’s not stated to not be the result, but... Like, what other character gets an AU skinline that people then say has to be their canonical endgoal when it is not said to be their canonical endgoal by any official source?

Quothe the loremaster... “The endpoint of Viktor's quest is the Battlecast universe. In case y'all forgot. Read between the lines of his stories even a little bit before stanning him, I'm begging you.”

The entirety of the pinned comment is frustrating. It is frustrating not only because it clashes entirely with the funny comical tone of the minute-long short, which also decides to yet again conflate transhumanism with being trans (we have heard my thoughts on this before. Please stop doing this), but because it is unfortunately true in aspects about current Viktor. He is really not a good man, even though you may be able to argue that Riot’s biased narrator choices mean that a canonical version of the Viktor-Jayce fight does not exist. (Because both lores tell their sides of the story. Biasedly.) But as the story stands, his character getting filled out didn’t make him more morally ambiguous than his original counterpart. The ambiguity that existed originally was due to us not knowing a lot about him and thus being able to interpret things the way we wished. (I’m sure that there is still room for interpretation in the new lore, but it seems lesser to me. Also, his color story is framed atrociously. It’s going for warm and fuzzy when the content of it is giving a kid drugs but this is a long enough post already...)

Riot does not know what to do with Viktor. They’re content to portray him as a Russian mad scientist and buffoon in LoR and in some other media, because... [gestures at the struck-out paragraph above]. But then they have his lore which... could be interesting, maybe, if it weren’t convinced that the way to tell a morally grey story is to have narrators more unreliable than a pull-start lawn mower. Like, they just don’t know what to do with him.

Any analysis of him needs to come with that caveat, not someone deciding that the best way to spent a minute of analysis is to make multiple jokes about Viktor’s accent being stereotypical via... feeding into it being stereotypical... and saying that transhumanism is related to trans rights in any inherent way.

Also, T/BSkyen says that Viktor only has an augmented hand and the third arm, which conveniently ignores the fact that Prototype is probably supposed to be taken as semi-canonical considering its name and the fact it was made when backstory-related skins were a more common thing. (And also because it hasn’t been retconned into being a janitor.) It also conveniently ignores the fact that Viktor’s lower legs clearly don’t look like armor on his model, but this is a side tangent that doesn’t really matter, so...

Whatever, right? I’ve clearly put more thought into this than League’s local loremaster put into that video and subsequent “no guys he really is a baddie stop stanning him and grow critical thinking skills” comment. Sorry if I sound jaded here or am taking this far too seriously or whatever, it’s just... man, it’s a lot. It makes trying to do my take in any public capacity feel kind of like shit, because it’s clear that the general perception of Viktor is currently 1) Haha Funny Accent Man, 2) Trans Rights!1!, and/or 3) He’s Evil :(, and it sucks. I already am writing for a niche audience who will accept a Viktor who never went to Piltover and who exists in old Zaun. I know that that’s niche. I’m okay with it being niche, I think.

But it sucks to build up all this character and do all this writing and try to... I don’t know, present a nuanced view of someone, and then just get another fucking joke about his accent or his design tropes or about what transhumanism is. Especially when those jokes are what people remember, right?

Sorry. This got whiny. But I think it explains why I’ve lost so much steam on writing our favorite Machine Herald, because stuff like this just keeps kind of... happening.

Thank you to the folks that send in anons about my analyses or who like my posts about my artistic endeavors or just... well, interact in general. It does mean a lot to me that you guys are invested enough to hang around and read 2k words of me doing the Pepe Silvia scene from Always Sunny as I connect dots that might not have been meant to be connected. It’s just hard to keep doing it, sometimes, and I guess this is one of those moments.