#I’ve gained a little weight since I took these photos and I’m trying to lose it

[carnal-doll]

Old photos, but still decent I think

(He/they pronouns please)

[sukirichi]

no guidance

pov: you ask your step-brother to guide you in your first time 

part of the everything step cest collab by @dilfhub​ thank you for everything! 💕

note. lol this rotted in my drafts for weeks but i finally finished it eeeee

cw. virginity loss, sexting, mild corruption themes, fingering, oral sex (f. receiving), possessive! akaashi-ni, slight dumbification, pseudo-incest (step siblings)

You knew better than to associate with the likes of Miya Atsumu. As if him being one of the most notorious fuckboys in campus wasn’t enough of a warning sign, his reputation was also infamous for being the “Virgin Killer.” In simpler terms, he took pride in corrupting the innocence of whoever was foolish enough to fall into his trap, and yet there you were, bottom lip caught between your teeth as you shamelessly sexted with him.

Unsurprisingly, he’s asking for nudes. Again.

It had been approximately three months since you passed notes with the said Miya twin (and of course you liked the worse of the pair) before your friendship escalated into something...more sexual. It was no secret Atsumu had a high sex drive, something you were still foreign with, so you weren’t really taken aback by his open vulgarity over his desire to fuck you.

The first month, you were nice enough to sent him a snap of your titties. Albeit still a little shy over not having sent anyone such an intimate photo before, you were beyond exhilarated.

The next, you sent him a booty pic. It wasn’t anything sexy since you were only in your campus hoodie, the door locked because you didn’t want your parents walking in on you trying to get a good angle of your rounded buttocks.

And just last week, you finally gained enough courage to take a photo of your glistening pussy, sent with a caption of ‘thinking of you...’

Now, you weren’t stupid despite your preference to act naive and innocent. You knew your actions would entice him to lead into something more, if his dick picks that show him already leaking weren’t enough of a telltale already. But as your phone pinged and his name flashed above your screen, the words, ‘meet you at Issei’s party this weekend? I think I’ve waited long enough’ loud and clear – your heart dropped into your chest.

Without another thought, you shut your phone off and rolled to your side.

The thing was, you’ve never really had sex. You couldn’t even be brave enough to lose your virginity to your hairbrush or to buy a dildo despite your friends’ insistence it was much better than an actual cock (quote unquote: both can make you orgasm, but the former didn’t come with toxic attitudes of horny college boys.)

Sure, you’ve watched porn, and you watched a lot – but nothing could compare to the actual experience of it. Your fingers could only get you so far.

Glancing at your phone that kept lighting up with texts from Atsumu, you felt something stir deep within your stomach. Curiosity? Arousal? Nervousness? Excitement? Perhaps all a mix of both. You’ve heard from all the girls Atsumu’s slept with that even though he meant bad news, his cock could be likened of that of  a blessing that converted them into ‘I hate him’ to ‘Gosh, I wanna fuck him again.’ Addicting, they called him, and now you were being offered a path to being on a path that most likely had no point of return.

You sighed.

The saner part of you warned you to stay away. There was no rush to lose your virginity now. Just because most of your friends had enough experience, it didn’t mean you had to be the same as them. After all, you came from quite...a strict household.

While everyone had been away from their parents and independently living in their dorms, you still stayed under the same roof as your father and step-mom, along with your older brother who was only a year ahead of you. Akaashi was a very sweet presence to have that you didn’t mind not experiencing that ‘youthful freedom’ too much, simply because your brother was a better company than whoever you could room with. He was kind, always ready to help, and you could confidently say you trusted him more than you did your closest friends.

Maybe that was the reason why you knocked at his room past midnight, shifting your weight from one foot to another. The faint sliver of light peeking from the cracks in his door told you he was probably still working on projects and the like, really not a good time to bother him, but you couldn’t hold on any longer.

At the back of your mind, this was the right thing. He was the right person.

“’Kaashi-nii...?” you knocked again, aware that he had a habit of listening to music on full volume while studying. “Are you there? Oh, were you studying, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to barge.”

Your brother stood in front of you, his headphones hung around his neck. He’d swung the door open to reveal that he was, indeed, previously hunched over his desk to work on something. Upon seeing the guilty expression on your face, Akaashi smiled at you in reassurance. “Hey, no, it’s fine,” he ushered you inside, setting you down at the edge of his bed while he sat across you in his swivelling chair. “Do you need help with homework again?”

“No...”

Turning away from him shyly, you opted to fiddle with your fingers as you stared at your lap. You had come here in a whim. You didn’t really think this through, and even though you’d been in his room a thousand times before, his dark blue sheets and tidy room that smelled sweetly of his detergent and vanilla cologne made you feel dizzy.

It didn’t help that he looked so mouth-watering in this light too.

Messy hair, long, slender fingers that absentmindedly spun a pen in those pretty hands of his, his dark eyes hazy and as welcoming as ever under the dim light of his desk lamp – how could you resist?

“What is it?” Akaashi quickly picked up on your silent worries. He’d always been observant, taking his role as your big brother seriously that he had attuned himself to sense even the slightest differences from you. Even though you’d only become family when you were already in middle school, it felt like you had known him for a much longer time than that, his warm hands rubbing soothing circles in your knees pulling the tension away from you.

“You know you can tell your brother everything, right? I’ll listen to you, you don’t need to feel scared or nervous.”

Guess it was now or never... “There’s this boy in my class...”

Akaashi’s eyes immediately darkened. All the warmth in his face disappeared, now replaced with a hardness you didn’t think was possible for such an understanding, patient guy like him. “Is he hurting you, forcing you to do something you don’t like?” his questions shot out one by one, and your eyes widened when he held you firmly by the shoulders. “Do I need to hurt someone?”

“No, no, it’s not like that!”

Your brother relaxed back in his chair. For a moment, your mind conjured up the dirtiest image of bouncing on his cock (and you know his cock is pretty after accidentally walking in on him changing clothes in high school) as he studied, but you quickly shook the thought away with a clear of your throat.

“What’s wrong then?”

You took a deep breath. “I just...I like him a lot and he asked me to have sex with him someday,” your words came out barely above a whisper, the courage seeping out of you until meeting Akaashi’s eyes felt impossible. “I said yes because of course I like him but...I’m afraid.”

“Hey,” Akaashi tilted your chin to look at him, his blue eyes pooling with worry and brotherly concern. “You know you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

“I just don’t want to disappoint him. I-I’ve never done it before and I feel like I won’t make him feel good. That’s why I came here,” you peered at him under your lashes, tongue darting out to nervously lick at your lips that felt uncomfortably dry. “You told me I could ask you for help in anything and you’re my brother so I trust you a lot to guide me on this one.”

The silence in the room was suffocating.

You were so close to running out of his room and pretending you didn’t exist for the rest of your life because what the hell were you asking? He was your brother, he obviously didn’t see you as a woman. You bet in his eyes, you were nothing but a little sister, and there really was no stopping him from kicking you out of his room until – “You want me to be your first time?”

You looked up at him so fast you actually felt your neck ache from the sudden movement. Heat spread all over your body, especially to your core at the unreadable expression in his eyes, yet it wasn’t...bad. He wasn’t rejecting you.

“Yes, please.”

Akaashi nodded at your hushed words. Slapping his palms to his knees, he walked to his bedside table where he pulled out an inconspicuous bottle with some sort of liquid you weren’t familiar with.

“Okay. Nii-san will teach you everything, but first, I need to prep you.” Fuck, fuck, fuck, this was actually happening!

You could barely process the events that happened next as he discarded his shirt to the ground, exposing his toned upper body to you from years of playing volleyball. While you sat there frozen and with a frantic beating heart, your brother barely blinked an eye as he gestured for you to take your clothes off. Wordlessly, you pulled your top off and shimmied out of your underwear. Too shy upon being exposed to a male for the first time in your life, you immediately headed towards his bed and closed your eyes, breath heavy and laboured as you waited for his next movements.

Akaashi’s hand went up to your knee, and you flinched at the contact, relaxing only when his soothing smile greeted you. “Lean back for me. Just relax and loosen up, okay? I’m not going to hurt you, Nii-san will make you feel good.”

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you did as he told. You were still shy, but you were feeling a lot less nervous. His hypnotizing gestures of caressing your thighs made you sigh in contentment as your head hit the pillow, legs falling open like it was second nature to spread yourself to your brother.

The thought had you biting your lip.

Before you could think too much about it, you felt a cool liquid being spread all over your lips. You gasped and clutched on the sheets out of reflex, staring forward as your brother stared at you cautiously, his lube coated fingers experimentally rubbing circles over your pussy lips. It felt so lewd for him to touch you like that – those same hands that always held yours in your weakest moments – yet it felt so good; the strange sensation tightening your chest.

“I-it’s cold.”

“I’ll warm it up for you,” he reassured, “How far have you gone? Any prior sexual experience?” Akaashi then began to playfully roll your clit between his fingers, eliciting a high-pitched whimper from you. He grinned at your reaction – so vocal for him already – and he was determined to hear more of it. “Ever tried sucking someone off?”

“No, but I’ve watched a lot of porn.”

“Porn is different from actual sex, baby,” the nickname fell so effortlessly from his lips that you didn’t dare question it anymore. Not that you could anyway, because the tip of his finger was prodding against your hole that was embarrassingly clenching around nothing. “How about here? Have you tried masturbating?”

“Don’t ask me such embarrassing questions!”

“You’re spread open for me already, you don’t need to be embarrassed,” You covered your face with your hands to hide, but Akaashi pried them away, his grip on your wrist both demanding yet gentle. “Tell me so I know how many fingers I can put inside you. I need to stretch you out.”

“Just one.”

“Louder, baby.”

“Just one finger,” you blurted out, finding it harder and harder to breathe the more he glided his fingers between your slit. Fingering yourself couldn’t even compare to the beauty of having him do the same to you, your arousal only heightened by his dedicated stare at your shaven pussy. From below your bodies, his pants had begun to home a tent.

“Two hurts a little bit and ‘em too sore.”

“What a tight cunt,” he commented with a smirk. “I’ll have to take my time with you then,” You nodded gratefully, about to smile at him with hearts in your eyes when Akaashi slowly slid a finger in. Your moan came out breathless and muted as you stared at him, mouth open in a silent gasp. The intrusion wasn’t anything new but he expertly pumped his finger in and out of it that your walls fluttered around him, head thrown back for another broken moan as he slid another digit. The stretch felt fucking perfect – the slight sting more than welcome in your virgin cunt that was now being fucked by your brother.

“Shh, it’s okay, it’ll feel better soon. Just relax.”

Openly, your slight squeaks of pleasure had increased in volume. Akaashi fingered you until he was knuckle deep, his other palm flat on your abdomen. Had you been in a better state of mind that wasn’t previously clouded with pleasure, you would’ve been embarrassed at the loud sloppy sounds of your pussy, but you remained there with trembling thighs, your nails digging at his thigh as you stared at him wide-eyed.

“Feels good?”

“M-more,” you begged through gritted teeth, “Nii-san, more.”

“Not yet, baby, you’re still too tight,” Sooner than you’d like, Akaashi pulled his fingers out of you. Both of you gazed at the webs of arousal between his fingers; your face painted in shock while he smirked at it, chest swelling with pride. Then, his eyes slid over yours, hooking his hands under your knees before he settled between your thighs.

“Come here. I’m going to go down on you.”

“Nii-san, no!” your protests fell on deaf ears, almost as if he knew you didn’t really mean it. His ears knocked with your knees locked around him, and you shivered as you felt his hot breath right before your burning cunt. “It’s embarrassing...don’t want you looking at my kitty like that.”

“Your kitty is very pretty and Nii-san wants a taste of you,” he mumbles while pressing kisses all over your pelvic bone, his sticky fingers massaging your inner thighs into relaxation. Your head pressed back harder on the pillows at the sensation, the pleasure too immense and he was just starting. “Didn’t you say you want me to teach you everything? This is just a few lessons you have to learn so don’t be shy. I’m sure you taste heavenly,” Clenching your jaw from the overwhelming bursts of ecstasy, you failed to notice how he dipped his head further, tongue darting out to lick a flat stripe. Your eyes blew wide open as he torturously and slowly dipped his tongue from your hole, the wet and warm muscle licking all the way up from your slit until the clit. “See? I told you. Heavenly.”

“’Kaashi, ‘Kaashi, oh, oh!”

“You sound so pretty but don’t be too loud,” Somehow, he managed to raise his arms and placed a palm over your mouth. “We don’t want Mom and Dad to overhear.”

Your legs trembled around him until you nearly suffocated him, but how could you stop when he was rolling his tongue side to side, licking and cleaning up the previous wetness he’d pulled from you?

It was too much, too good, and soon you were moaning behind his palm as you came all over his face.

Akaashi greedily slurped up the juices that squirted all over his face, unbothered by the mess you’ve made. He didn’t stop until he was sure you were completely clean, and you were already on the brink of overstimulation when he locked his lips around yours, sucking whatever he could take. Unable to take it any longer, you pushed his head away and fell on your side in a desperate attempt to catch your breath, sending him a seductive glare, only to soften as you his lips, cheeks, and nose shining under the moonlight.

“Nii-san, your face—”

“It’s okay, I’ll clean up for later,” he shrugged it off and stepped out of his sweatpants, ripping a condom you didn’t even notice he had. You watched with baited breath as his cock sprung free, the tip red and glistening with pre-cum. Akaashi rolled the condom over his throbbing cock and situated himself before you, pumping his length a few times before aligning it with your hole, sending you one last look of approval.

“You ready for my cock now? This might hurt a little bit. You just need to relax and I’ll go slow, okay? Tell me if anything feels uncomfortable.”

Nodding, you made yourself comfortable and braced the sheets for preparation, wincing a little as he pushed the tip in. Akaashi felt you clamp down on him, his hips stilling just as he loomed over you, his arms resting beside your head. In this position, you could see each detail of him – the thickness of his lashes, the love blooming in his eyes, the sweat beading in his forehead and everything soft and slow written all over his face.

“Still okay? I can stop if you want.”

You shook your head and wrapped your legs around his waist to pull him closer. He raised a brow at your initiation, but you merely smiled at him to hide the mild discomfort. “I can take it, just keep going.”

A few minutes later and a hundred still good? later, Akaashi had slid himself in. He allowed you to get used inch by delicious inch until he was completely seated inside you, hip pressed to hip and his hand caressing your cheek. “You’ve done so well,” he praised, “How does having a cock stuffed in you feel?”

“S-so full,” you replied numbly, the feeling of him throbbing inside your heat so fucking delicious. “Love nii-san’s cock.”

“Yeah? I’ll give you more then,” he warned, and you knew you couldn’t go back anymore when he placed his palm flat beside your head. Akaashi began to move his hips, slowly at first to let you accommodate to his length which your pussy hugged greedily. You were moaning left and right and his groans above you was erotic enough to make you cum on the spot, the pleasure doubling as your pebbled nipples grazed his toned chest.

“Nii-san! So big!”

“I know, baby, you’ll get used to it, don’t worry. It’ll feel better soon,” he rasped, scowling when you raked your nails down his back, though not hard enough to draw blood. It would definitely leave a mark though, and the pain of it urged him to move his hips faster, the sound of skin slapping against skin echoing through his room that began to warm by each passing second. “Feel better?”

“Feels so good,” you cried around him, reaching up to bury your head in his neck and clinging to him like a koala. It did feel so good, so much so that you just might get addicted to this. “Love Nii-san’s cock.”

At your words, Akaashi’s patience that thinned a while ago completely broke.

His pace increased and he gripped your hips tightly, sitting back on his knees just to watch his cock slide in and out of you. The lube made sex feel a hundred times better from how easily he’s easily punching through your walls, the sight of you splayed out for him – hair strewn across the pillow, little whimpers leaving your lips, breasts bouncing right before his eyes and abused pussy lips hugging his shaft – it made him growl with possessiveness.

“This is how you should be fucked – you gotta be fucked right,” he announced, thumb coming down to rub your clit. As expected, you cried out and tightened around him.

He faltered for a moment at how tight you were, but he kept pushing, driving his cock in and out of you until he turned into you a sobbing, slobbery mess.

“You sure that boy of yours can make you feel this good?”

“N-no, Nii-san’s cock only!”

“That’s right, it’s just gotta be me, okay?” driving both his hands around your neck just to clench your airway as a warning, Akaashi fucked you harder than before. The sudden inability to not breathe made you impossibly tighter around him that you felt each ridge and vein kissing your bumpy walls. “Say it. Say you’re mine.”

“I’m yours, I’m Nii-san’s property!”

“I’m gonna mark you as mine, claim this pussy as Nii-san’s only, yeah? You want that?”

“Cum in me, ‘Kaashi, cum inside!” you prompted, and what good of a brother would he be if he didn’t grant his little sister’s wishes? Growling, Akaashi snapped his hips hard until the tip of his cock successfully kept repeating that sweet spot in you that you didn’t even know you had. You were crying, moaning, too fucked to respond as you came, and your lewd expression was all it took before he was releasing his cum inside the condom. “Kaashi, Kaashi, ah!”

Akaashi quickly pulled out his cock and took a minute to regain his breath, his head cradled on his hands at the earth-shattering orgasm you both had. Not a moment later, he’s tying his condom and throwing it to his bin, finding his way right beside you as you blinked sleepily at him.

“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

“No, you were great. Just tired.”

“Do you want to sleep in my room tonight?”

You smiled at his concern, pulling him in closer for an embrace. He was warm and sweaty that it felt uncomfortable, but you wanted him beside you, and Akaashi began to caress your hipbones with so much tenderness. He knew he was a little rough for losing control like that.

“I’d love that, thank you,” you mumbled, more than ready to call it a night and sleep when his weight shifted off the bed. Akaashi rummaged through something in his drawers before he disappeared in the bathroom for a bit, coming back to spread your legs open once more. “Wh-what’re you doing?”

“It’s called aftercare. If your partner can’t provide this and pamper you, I suggest you break up with them,” he snickered, and you hissed at the sensitivity as he wiped away your cum with the towel. You soon relaxed, however, all thanks to Akaashi’s doting nature that you were falling asleep on his bed, allowing him to clean you up as he pleases. He set the towel aside and snuggled right next to you, his nose bumping your jaw to pull you away from dreamland for a little while. His previous sexual aura had now dimmed; his brotherly concern present again. “You still want to fuck your classmate?”

“Hmm...he’s really handsome, and I heard from the other girls he’s got a huge cock too,” you giggled, not really aware of your words as you said, “Probably even bigger than yours.”

Thinking that he might be offended, you almost apologized after a moment, but Akaashi only laughed as he hugged you tighter. “Size doesn’t matter. It’s who owns the cock and their talent in pleasuring their partner that matters,” he confidently stated, fingers running up and down your spine that brought chills down to your toes as he nibbled on your ear. “And I know I fucked you so good he can’t compare.”

[alovevigilante]

We were at the pool today. My ma took a few of the worst pics of me, as of late. I hate posing for photos. I look at them, and judge myself harshly. I looked nothing like I look here, when I have control of the camera. I don’t show you my extra, I got going on all around all over here, on me. The quarantine…. Let’s just say I ate my way through it… and it kinda snuck up on me and hit me like a ton of bricks when I couldn’t put on my old jeans comfortably without the additional muffin top, because I favored my spandex instead of them. (See next post for details…)

I was trying to figure out how to change my negative thought process about how I see myself physically. How do I look at ass photos of myself, without judging myself harshly? I’m asking. Seriously. It’s not a rhetorical question. Well, maybe I can start by not calling a picture of me, ass.

The other day I thought I’d try to find something to love about the things on my body I don’t. And I thought I’d try my hand at writing a love letter 💌 to my cellulite and extra lbs. but I can’t just say nice things and lie. I have to be completely honest, and choose things I can say that I will believe. That’s a tall order. How do I change the way I perceive this situation when ever since I can remember it’s been a really tough thing for me to appreciate? And if I lie, I’ll know about it. And I won’t buy into it, and I’ll feel worse. So, this is a great exercise for me, without busting my ass any more than I physically already have today. Ok?! Ok! So join me, won’t you? Here goes:

Dear cellulitis and other extra lbs on me,

Hello darlings…

Ok, I’m already in trouble, as I am not fond of cellulite or extra pounds, so they are not darlings to me. But saying, “hello assholes” isn’t nice to me either. What do you do, when you have things you can’t immediately control, about yourself that you don’t appreciate? Can you appreciate them? How do you focus on fixing what you deem as a problem without getting lost in “the problem”?

My, this is a conundrum… well, I did what I could do for today. What the hell else do I want from myself?! I can’t change it overnight! Jeez! Come onnnn, me! Give me a break! I went on a walk with my son, I did the brutal but eventually effective “Tracy Anderson” murder mat tape, which I could define better. I will call it, “yay tough for now but easier later sooooo good for me probably will not be able to walk or move for a week afterward but god bless here’s hoping I will feel less pain eventually and work out the lactic acidosis well Tracy may be wee, but she’s fiercely strong for a small woman, but that’s her job, she ducking MADE it her job, and she’s successful. Why don’t i make it my job too?! Cause I’m not built like her, and being a fitness expert isn’t me. Why don’t i get a job?! I can’t figure out what to go back to. Why aren’t I a success too?! I don’t have a good answer for that. And why doesn’t she have rolls like me when she sits down I sometimes have to tuck my belly into the elastic of my underwear when I decide to wear it. yes! I do that, harsh judges of me both internally and then subsequently externally! Do I got a problem with extreme honesty about myself?! Huh?! Huh?! Yeah! Yeahhhhh that’s what I THOUGHT (holy crap)” tape. And I did think that. So, I can choose to once again, think differently, and more positively.

Seriously… she looks amazing! Tracy is a woman whose exercise videos are great, and are challenging for me to do on the daily because I’m out of practice. So Tracy Anderson isn’t the issue. The issue is me. The issue is what and how I feel about myself. I went on the treadmill after I saw this photo…. Inspired action, yes. But what was the inspiration? Fear of rejection or self love? A little mixed bag, I think.

So, because I feel the way I do, I am also avoiding grains and sugar like a mother that I am. And I’m drinking so much water that I’m spending 20 out of the 24 hours, peeing! What more can I do?! Well, maybe I can give myself a ducking break in the meantime. Maybe, I can do something else and not think about my bigger arms, stomach and thighs. Breaking from that train of thought will allow me a brain vacation away from judging my extra pounds and cellulite, and from hurting my own feelings. Maybe, in the meantime, I can appreciate my new boobs, which grew a whole cup size with the weight gain. Yay boobies!!!!

Well, that’s one way to look at it. Another, is not to look at it for awhile. Maybe I can go listen to music, or dance, or learn how to play the accordion or buy up all the tickets to a blue grass concert and give them away for free like some super cool people do. Whatever I decide, I’m going to choose to do something that is actually good for me, that I can enjoy and appreciate while I change for my more desired results! I can decide to think better about myself, so I can make choices, that will lead to better options to aid in my happiness down the line.

Now, I was just reminded by myself, that my ass is bigger too. That is a subjective thing whether it’s good or bad, but since we’re trying to make better thought choices let’s say, like Martha Stewart says hopefully about her ass, that it’s “a good thing”. Since my boobies are now huge, I’m now balanced. Bigger boobies, bigger culi too. Stands to reason. Ok! Great! I’ll start my letter again…

Dear extra on me that I once didn’t appreciate,

Guess what?! I like my bigger boobies! You’re still pretty perky. Also, to my culo, yes, you are bigger, but now we can wear tighter clothing with a greater effect! Yes! We are more pronounced in our lady regions…. Nice! And I’m actively toning the rest nicey nice like to match the other parts I enjoy, so, that’s cool too! Healthy me? Yes please! Ok! Great!

Hugs n kisses,

Me

See?! I’m going to figure out how to get right with me now if it kills me! No. We don’t want it to kill, we just want to be happier, right ladies who judge their bodies on the regular like me?! Don’t let this happen to you! Choose to find something about you to appreciate, and bolster the crap out of that until you notice that you’re happier. The rest will fall into place. But don’t let it fall too far down, otherwise you’ll need a bra, and I’ve given up bras for quarantine. And I’m not mad about it. There are positives to everything. Yes. And if you deem a photo of yourself ass that people take of you, don’t look. That’s one way to lose the weight. You can also make healthier choices, which includes thinking kinder thoughts about the things that you aren’t wild about in your life, or not wild about in you. 🙈🤷‍♀️😉🤣💕

Appendices: Openness to experience, is one factors of the 5 factor model, aka the 5 main personality traits in psychology. And there are 6 facets of openness (see below). I enjoy stretching my brain, and stretching my own blocks to honesty about myself, and my own personal blocks to love. Thank you, for coming with me on my journey to becoming more open about myself only. 😊

(The pie charts above and below are not mine. The openness chart below does not represent me. It’s only meant as an example of the 6 facets of openness to experience that I enjoy experimenting with on myself in a rudimentary way in my life.)

P.P. S. For those of you like me interested in learning more about how your brain structures affect your personality and how your experiences affect it as well, check out this article about how the 2 are linked. Cool stuff! It won’t let me cut and paste from safari or add the link, but the article is called, “brain structures correspond to different facets of personality” from psypost.org.)

[atlfics]

The Fragility of Confidence- All Time Low Fanfiction

Looking back at old pictures sends Alex in a spiral. Word Count: 4330 

TW: body image issues

More notes at the end. 

“Alex, hey dude, wake up,” Jack quietly said as he shook Alex in his bunk on the bus.

“What the fuck do you want, Jack?” Alex muttered back, still facing the other way with his eyes closed.

“Okay, I’m sorry to wake you up and stuff, but I need you to find something for me,”

“Jack, I’m not getting out of this bed anytime soon,”

“No, you don’t even have to, I want you to find a picture for me,”

“Right now?” Alex questioned, finally turning around to face Jack.

“Yeah, I need it now. Remember that one party we went to in high school?”

“Dude, we went to quite a few parties in high school. I’m going to need more context than that,”

“Okay, it was junior year, we both got super plastered, and you wore that ridiculous gray and black tie over a t-shirt. We took a picture together that night, I need it, I’ve been on Twitter answering fan questions and someone asked me to show the stupidest picture of us that I had. This goes without saying, but that picture is the winner,” Jack explained, laughing some.

“Well, you do kind of have a point, that picture is fucking ridiculous. I’ll try to find it now; I think it’s in my camera roll. I’ll just text it to you when I find it,”

“Sounds good, I’ll be in the front of the bus. Oh, and we’ll be at the venue in a little over an hour,”

“Okay, I’ll be ready by then,” Alex said, yawning some.

Jack shut Alex’s privacy curtain, then walked back to the front of the bus. Alex rubbed his eyes a bit before finding his phone in his bunk, and going to his camera roll. He wasn’t completely sure if he had that photo or not, it was taken five years ago at this point, but he’d keep his word and look for it.

He scrolled through his photos slowly, taking his time to reminisce about past memories. There were a bunch of tour photos, studio videos, funny selfies, and so much more. Alex had really enjoyed this, up until he got to the photos from his senior year in high school, where he looked noticeably thinner. Since graduation, Alex had gained about twenty pounds which he’d been fairly insecure about over the years, but he tried to not let it bother him. He knew that he wasn’t meant to be the weight he was at seventeen forever, but seeing this for the first time in a while reminded him of how much it really got to him.

Not much later, he found the picture Jack had been talking about, so he quickly sent it to him, then went back to looking at his photo library, thinking about how different he looked compared to now. A few tears started to prick at his eyes, but he was determined to not cry over this, it was stupid, and he knew it shouldn’t bother him so much. Alex turned his phone off and turned onto his back, pressing his hands to his eyes to stop the tears from falling.

Once he was sure that they were gone, he took a deep breath and tried to clear his head. Despite his efforts, he started thinking about everything even more, the familiar feelings of self-hatred and disgust coming rushing back to him. If he was being honest, he’d been wanting to lose some weight for a while, but always pushed it off and made up excuses, because he knew it would be hard, but today was going to be different. Unfortunately, Alex wouldn’t be able to get any exercise today with the schedule the band had, but he could control his diet more so than he had been. He decided that today, he would only eat if he were really hungry, and whatever he did eat would be as healthy as possible.

After ensuring that no more tears would sneak their way out of his eyes, Alex decided to get up and get ready; he knew that if he continued staying in his bunk by himself that more negative thoughts would pop up in his brain. Not feeling quite ready to face his bandmates yet, he made a beeline from his bunk into the bathroom to take a shower and get ready for the day.

He took his time as he got ready for the day, partly due to the fact that he spent a good ten minutes, some before and some after his shower, staring himself down in the mirror, pointing out every flaw that he could find, wishing he could just wave a wand and fix everything he hated about himself. This made some tears attempt to return, but he did his best to contain them, so he could go about his day.

Once he was dressed and as ready as he was going to be, Alex took a deep breath, then walked out to the front lounge, where the rest of his bandmates were.

“Alex, you’re finally up! I can’t believe Jack was up and ready to take on the day before you were,” Zack said, laughing some as Alex awkwardly took a seat on the couch.

“Yeah, well, at least we don’t have to go through the ordeal of forcing him to get up and get ready like we normally do,” Alex joked back, hoping his friends couldn’t see through his fake smile.

“Hey, I’m not that bad!” Jack insisted.

“No, you are, Jack. You really are,” Rian joked, laughing quite a bit.

“Man, you guys suck. Anyway, Alex I prepared you an amazing breakfast,” Jack said, walking towards the kitchenette.

“Jack, what you did doesn’t count as preparing food for someone,” Zack said, laughing at his friend.

“Oh, I’m okay, Jack, I don’t need-“

Alex got cut off by his stomach rumbling, earning looks from his bandmates.

“It sounds like you’re hungry, dude,” Rian stated, laughing at the noise.

“Yeah, I guess I am,” Alex awkwardly said, forcing some laughter.

“This should take care of that! Here’s a toasted s’mores pop tart!” Jack said, handing Alex a plate.

“Thanks, Jack,” Alex replied, trying to look appreciative.

This was really the last thing that he wanted to eat, it went against his plan of only eating healthy foods, but he knew if he declined it, that his friends would be suspicious, and he really didn’t want to talk about what he’d been thinking about. He started eating the pop tart, wishing that it could be almost anything else.

Eventually, he’d forced the entire thing down, and put the plate in the sink of the kitchenette.

“No problem. Hey, I think I see the venue!” Jack exclaimed, looking out the bus window.

“Thank god, I don’t know how much longer I could take being in a contained space with you,” Rian joked, laughing some.

“The same goes to you, dude. Let’s go get soundcheck over with so we can do something fun before the show later!” Jack continued.

The four of them grabbed the things they’d want for the day, then helped the crew load their instruments inside, and over to the stage. Once everything was set up, they started into their soundcheck.

Alex did his best to play his parts and do what was required of him, but he kept thinking back to that pop tart he’d had on the bus, and to the pictures he’d looked at earlier. There were a few moments where he could’ve sworn tears were going to spill from his eyes again, but he did everything in his power to keep his composure, not wanting questions from his friends.

“That was a good soundcheck! What should we do until the meet and greet?” Zack asked, as everyone handed off their instruments to their techs.

“I kind of just want to relax for a bit, it’s been a hectic past few days. What do you guys think, Alex and Jack?” Rian asked, looking at his friends.

“That’s fine with me, I think I saw a TV and a foosball table in the green room!” Jack exclaimed.

“Yeah, let’s go there, I guess,” Alex added, faking an excited smile.

The four of them made their way to the green room, and Alex immediately sat on the couch and pulled his phone out.

“Alex, what are you doing? We’re going to do two on two,” Jack said, as he stood by the foosball table with Rian and Zack.

“Um, I don’t really want to play right now. Maybe later, man. You three can play for now,” Alex replied.

“Man, you’re such a buzzkill sometimes,” Jack joked, making everyone but Alex laugh.

“Eh, leave him be, Jack. I’ll be ref, and you and Rian can play first,” Zack decided, stepping over to the scoreboard.

“Sounds good, you’re going down, Rian!” Jack exclaimed, as they began their game.

As the three of them put their attention on the game, Alex went onto his Instagram, looking through his posts. He’d only had his account for a couple years now, so the pictures weren’t as old as the ones in his camera roll, but they were still old enough for Alex to compare what he looked like then to how he looked now. Even though he was feeling some of the same feelings he felt on the bus, Alex knew that he had to keep his composure, otherwise his bandmates would see that something was up with him and make him talk about it, which was the last thing he wanted to deal with.

While they waited for the meet and greet to start, Alex felt his mind go on the same intense spiral, and he was only broken from it when Jack called his name a bit later.

“Alex, it’s time for the meet and greet, we have to go,” Jack said, starting to walk over to his friend.

Alex frantically got out of his Instagram account, and put his phone away so Jack wouldn’t see what he’d been doing.

“Oh, shit, it’s already time! Let’s go!” Alex exclaimed, a fake smile plastered on his face.

The four of them quickly made their way over to where the meet and greet was being held, and got right into it. Alex had hoped that getting to interact with the fans would get his mind off things, but no matter what, he couldn’t get his head out of that negative space. He didn’t talk as much as he normally did, and couldn’t help but think about how awful he probably looked in every single picture that was taken.

Once meet and greet was finally over, the band said goodbye to the fans, then went back to the backstage area.

“That was fun! I feel like that was a really good group of fans,” Rian said, still riding the high that fan interaction usually gave all four of them.

“It really was. Hey, should we go get dinner somewhere? We have two hours before we have to go on,” Zack suggested.

“Yeah, let’s do that! There’s a Mexican place not far from here, I looked it up this morning on the bus. Does that sound good to everyone?” Jack asked, getting approval from Rian and Zack.

“Is that cool with you, Alex? We can go somewhere else if you’re not feeling Mexican,” Jack offered.

“No, you three go. I, um, promised my parents I’d video chat with them before the show,” Alex lied.

“Are you sure? Do you want us to bring you anything back so you can have dinner before the show?” Jack continued.

“Nah, I’ll check out craft services and find something there. You guys go have a good dinner, I’ll see you when you get back,” Alex replied, trying to force a smile and act as normal as possible.

“Alright, as long as you’re sure, man. We’ll see you soon,” Jack said, before walking towards the back door of the venue with Rian and Zack.

Alex quickly made his way over to the green room, not wanting to be stopped by any of their crew or venue staff, since he knew it looked suspicious that he’d stayed back. He took a seat on the couch from earlier, and leaned his head back and shut his eyes, thinking about the lie he’d just told his friends. Normally, he hardly ever lied to his friends, so he felt awful about having just done that, but he really didn’t want to involve them with this.

At this point, his plan was to eat less, and make what he did eat healthy; then he’d lose weight and his problem would be gone without having to make others deal with it, too. While this seemed perfect in Alex’s mind, all of the emotions that he’d felt throughout the day made him start to tear up again, it was all very overwhelming for Alex.

Eventually, his friends came back from the restaurant, and they had about forty-five minutes until they were due onstage. Alex was still in the green room, looking at professional shoot pictures that they’d had done over the years, finding the same flaws that he’d been finding earlier.

“Alex, we’re back! Did you get something from craft services?” Jack asked, as the three of them went into the green room, making Alex quickly snap from his thoughts and put the pictures away.

“Yeah, I got, um, I got a sandwich. It was decent,” Alex lied.

“That’s good. Hey, I think it’s your turn to play foosball!” Jack continued, pulling at Alex’s arm in an attempt to get him up from the couch.

“Nah, I kind of just-“

“Come on, Alex! It’s not everyday we go to a venue with fun things to pass the time! It’ll be fun, it’ll be you versus me!” Jack tried.

Rian and Zack shared a confused look, normally something like this would’ve been right up Alex’s alley.

“Jack, I said no! I don’t want to!” Alex yelled back, pulling his arm away from his friend.

“Sorry, man, I didn’t mean to anger you so much,” Jack replied in a small voice.

“Alex, are you okay?” Zack asked, still standing on the other side of the room with Rian.

“I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?” Alex defensively asked back.

“Well, you’ve not wanted to hangout with us, and you just yelled at Jack. Is something up, man?” Rian asked, trying to be patient.

“No, I’m fine, don’t worry about me. I just want to relax by myself some, is it a crime that I don’t want to spend every single waking moment with you guys? If I knew you guys were going to be like that, I wouldn’t have helped Jack form this fucking band back in high school!” Alex yelled, shocking his friends.

Before anyone else could say anything, Alex got up from the couch and walked over to the door.

“Where are you going?” Jack asked, clearly hurt by Alex’s actions.

“I’m just going to go do my own thing until the show. I’ll see you guys when we have to go on,” Alex replied, darting out of the room before his friends could get another word in.

There was a single occupancy bathroom close to the stage entrance, and after ensuring that it was not occupied, Alex went inside and locked the door behind him. He wasn’t really sure what he was doing in there, he didn’t have to use it, but it felt like the only place he could be alone until it was time for the show.

Alex took a seat on the floor, on the other side of the small room from the toilet, he tucked his knees in, and rested his head on them. Only seconds later, he started to cry for what felt like the millionth time that day. This was partly due to the freak-out he’d just had on his friends, but it was also because of the same insecurities he’d been feeling all day. He knew that snapping at his friends like he did was messed up, but his already intensified emotions paired with the hunger he was starting to feel made him feel very irritable. Alex stayed just like this until his phone alarm went off, signaling that he had five minutes before he was supposed to walk onstage and act like everything was fine for ninety minutes.

He slowly came to his feet, and went over to the small, grimy mirror. Alex did his best to fix his hair and general appearance to hide the fact he’d been crying, not just from the fans, but from his bandmates, too. Once he was as ready as he was going to be, Alex walked over to the stage, where his friends were already waiting with their instruments. No one spoke to Alex as he grabbed his guitar from his check and made sure that it was in tune.

Alex really wanted to apologize to his band, but a mixture of guilt and pride stopped him from doing so. Eventually, the four of them made their way onstage to a cheering crowd, immediately starting into their first song. The show went okay, the four of them could tell that something felt weird, but they all hoped that the fans wouldn’t notice. Alex and Jack bantered some, but it was significantly less than normal, it was hard for both of them to act like everything was normal. The other issue was Alex’s energy; since he’d hardly eaten all day, Alex was hungry, and that mixed with performing under the hot lights and moving around the stage resulted in him feeling weak.

Once the show was over, Alex thanked the crowd, and stayed on the stage with the rest of his band for a few minutes, throwing pics into the crowd. Eventually, they all wished the crowd well once last time, and walked offstage.

“Alex, hey-“ Jack started.

“I’m going back to the bus, I, um, don’t feel great. You guys go have fun,” Alex said, quickly walking off before Jack or anyone else could say anything.

He quickly went to the back door of the venue and made a beeline for the bus, ignoring the few fans that had already made their way to the back door. Once he was on the bus, Alex changed into his PJs, then got into his bunk, shutting the privacy curtain. He cried as he pulled his phone out, going back to his photo library and doing the same thing that led to this moment- scrolling through his old pictures and putting all of his flaws under a microscope. All day, he’d tried to keep his crying quiet, not wanting anyone to hear him, but since he was alone now, that concern didn’t matter anymore, so he started crying a lot louder.

It got so loud that he didn’t hear the bus door open, and someone walk on, and over to the bunk area. Suddenly, Alex saw the main light starting to seep into his bunk, so he turned to look at what was happening, and saw Jack pulling back the privacy curtain, a concerned look on his face.

“Alex, what’s going on?” Jack gently asked, taking a seat on the floor in front of Alex’s bunk.

“It’s nothing, Jack, I’m fine,” Alex weakly replied.

“Alex, you’re, like, sob-screaming and have tears running down your face. Also, you’ve been acting off all day, so don’t try to tell me that you’re fine. Clearly you’re not, so please don’t pretend that you are, and please tell me what’s going on,”

“It’s going to sound stupid as hell, man,” Alex said, cynically laughing.

“I don’t care, it’s clearly important enough to bother you like this. Before you tell me what it is, why don’t we go to the back of the bus, I think it’ll be more comfortable for both of us,”

“I don’t want anyone to see me like this,”

“Everyone else is going out barhopping, Rian, Zack, and the whole crew. It’ll just be us, I promise,”

“Fine,” Alex said, knowing he wasn’t going to get his way.

Alex slowly got out of his bunk, and followed Jack to the back lounge, where they both took a seat on the couch.

“Okay, now that we’re both comfortable, will you please tell me what’s wrong?” Jack asked, covering Alex with a blanket, and handing him a box of tissues to dry his tears.

“Man, this shit is so stupid. Anyway, remember how this morning you had me find that picture of us from back in high school?” Alex started, using one of the tissues to dry his eyes.

“Yeah, what about it?”

“Well, when I was going through the photos in my phone, it made me realize how my weight has changed over the past five or so years. How I look different now, I weigh about twenty more pounds now than I did back in high school, and to put it as honestly as possible, I fucking hate that, dude. I feel like I let myself go, and that I need to drop that weight to be happy again,”

Saying everything out loud was harder than Alex imagined it would be, and his crying started to pick back up again. Not really knowing what to say, Jack scooted closer to his friend, and put an arm around him.

After a few minutes, Alex looked at Jack, tears still forming in his eyes.

“That’s what all of this is about, Alex?” Jack gently asked.

“I told you it was dumb,”

“No, it’s not dumb, Alex. Wait, so did you thinking like this start this morning?”

“I guess I’ve kind of had passive thoughts about it off and on for a bit, but it got super intense today, from scrolling through all of my old photos. I don’t know, I feel like I used to look so much better, and that I should be doing something about it so I don’t have to feel gross anymore,”

“Alex, I need you to answer this honestly. Aside from the pop tart I watched you eat this morning, have you eaten anything else today?”

“No, I didn’t,” Alex said, feeling the shame come back full force.

“I need you to listen to what I’m going to tell you. I mean really listen, not just nod along, but really take in what I’m saying. Alex, you don’t look bad at all. I don’t know exactly what pictures you were looking at, but I imagine you were sixteen or seventeen in them, right?”

“Yeah, mostly,”

“Right. Dude, you’re not meant to stay at the weight you were at as a teenager all throughout your adult life. All of us in this band have definitely gained some weight since graduation, and that’s okay, that’s what’s supposed to happen. I’m not trying to invalidate how you’re feeling, I understand feeling insecure and shit, but you’re not a failure for not being at the exact same number that you were at when you were still literally a child,” Jack explained to his friend.

“Are you sure you’re not just saying that?”

“Absolutely not, man. I wouldn’t lie to you about this, or anything, for that matter. You have no reason to feel insecure, I understand that those feelings are a part of life for most people, but your mind is lying to you, telling you this stupid shit. I know you may not believe me, but I promise, I wouldn’t just say all this to say it,”

“Jack, I’m sorry I lied about eating, and I’m really sorry for being a jerk earlier and freaking out on you when you wanted to play foosball. I shouldn’t have yelled like that, I was just caught in this insane spiral, and couldn’t take it,”

“Don’t worry about that. I appreciate you apologizing, but I’m not concerned about that right now, I’m more concerned about making sure that you’re going to be okay,”

“I shouldn’t have done that, though, you didn’t deserve that,”

“I’m not going to disagree with that statement, but we can talk about that later. Right now, I want to figure out how we’re going to get through this insecurity shit you’re going through,”

“We? That’s my problem, man,”

“Nope, it’s our problem now. Alex, you’re my best friend, do you really think I’m going to let you deal with something as heavy as this on your own?”

“Thank you, Jack. You really are the best friend I’ve ever had,”

“You’re damn right I am,” Jack said, pulling Alex into a real hug this time. They stayed like this for a few minutes, giving time to Alex to get the last of his tears out. Eventually, they pulled away from each other.

“Jack, I’m really sorry for giving you a hard time earlier, and for not telling you about this. I appreciate you still wanting to help me after that,”

“Of course, man, that’s what friends are for. Now, the first thing we need to do is make sure you eat something. I know it might be hard to do that right now, but I can eat something with you, I just need you to get something in your system. Do you have anything in particular that you want?”

“Not really, I guess I’m fine with anything,”

“Why don’t you come out to the kitchen with me, and we can decide together. Then, we can just watch movies or play video games until we fall asleep,”

“That sounds good to me, Jack,”

The two of them shared a smile, then Alex followed Jack into the kitchen in search of something to eat. Alex knew that he wasn’t going to feel back to normal just by eating dinner with Jack, but he knew that it was a step in the right direction, and he was grateful to have his best friend by his side as he navigated this journey.  

A/N: Hi everyone, this fic is based off a diary entry I wrote a couple weeks ago, that I wanted to turn into a longer, fictional concept. I'm always hesitant to post things like this, since I know it can be triggering, but I hope that it can also help people feel less alone if they're feeling like this, too. I'm still working on requests, and plan to have them up next week, but in the meantime, please feel free to continue sending them in! Thank you for reading! -Liv

[fanfics-for-the-hockey-fan]

My Treasure - William Nylander

Request: Can you do one where you are pregnant with William nylanders baby and getting hate and he makes you feel better

Getting pregnant at 24 was definitely not a part of my 5 year post college plan. Then again falling in love wasn't one of my bullet points either. But when my period was over a week late I knew that everything was about to change. William was thrilled when he saw the bolded word on the pregnancy test, immediately wanting to tell anyone he could. I was a little more hesitant to share the news.

I knew that I wanted children someday and those feelings intensified once my relationship with William became serious, I just figured we would be married and I would be a little more secure in my teaching job before we would add a baby to the mix. We told our families first and they were all excited and happy for us, same with friends and teammates. The real problem came when we started to share the news with the rest of the world. On William's social media everyone was happy for us and wishing us well, but mine is where all of the hate went.

She probably got knocked up so he couldn't leave her.

Hopefully you don't gain too much baby weight, you could already stand to lose a little.

You're not even pregnant with his kid I bet, just went to the guy with the biggest paycheck.

I did my best to delete the comments as soon as I saw them, hiding them from William so he wouldn’t get upset. Some people didn't get the hint after the first deleted comment and I would end up blocking them. Two weeks after announcing our pregnancy the nasty comments were outweighing the nice ones of my post. My pregnancy hormones went crazy one day when my pants didn't fit for the first time of the pregnancy and William was away on a road trip until the morning.

I canceled my plans to go get dinner with some friends and instead had a pity party in some of William's clothes with ice cream and reading through all the horrible things that were being said about me.

I can't believe he is still with her, she is not pretty enough for him.

Fat cow

You are going to ruin his career with the child.

I cried myself to sleep on the couch after midnight and didn't wake up until someone was brushing some hair out of my face. Slowly opening my eyes I saw a concerned William kneeling on the floor in front of me. "Ellie, what’s wrong? Were you crying?" I sat up, making room for William next to me before he pulled me into his lap. "Your friends texted me last night and told me you skipped on going to dinner with them. Is everything okay? Is the baby okay?"

"The baby is fine, I just couldn't find anything that fit comfortably with the bump. I had a pity party with ice cream and must have fallen asleep." Everything I said was true, I just left out one major thing.

"I'm sorry babe, but can I finally buy you some new maternity clothes? Please." He gave me puppy dog eyes as he begged, causing me to laugh and turn to face him more.

"You love shopping more than I do."

"Is that a yes? I'm taking that as a yes. Go get ready, shopping might take all day." With that he was carrying me down the hall, laughing the entire way. When he finally set me down I managed to find a t-shirt dress that wasn't too uncomfortable and proceeded to get ready.

***

After a full day of shopping William took me out to dinner at our favorite Spanish restaurant. I excused myself after we ordered a bunch of small plates to share to run to the bathroom and when I got back William was standing at the table with a large plastic bag and shaking hands with the owner. "What's going on?" 

"I thought you might be more comfortable if we went home and ate. I've kept you busy most of the day so I know your feet must be bothering you." His tone was off but I brushed it off as we headed out. The drive home was a tense silence without even the radio playing.

I didn't say anything until we were in the apartment and William started slamming cabinet doors as he got plates. "What's wrong?"

"I just don't get why people spend so much time trying to make other people down! Like, what does it do for them?" He had a fire in his eyes I had only ever seen on the ice, and I wasn't sure what was causing it.

"I'm going to some more context here. Did something happen at the restaurant?"

"Before we left the last store I took a couple of pictures for our shopping day and posted them to Instagram. I thought it was no big deal, just sharing what I was up to on a day off. And then when you were in the bathroom your phone started buzzing like crazy so I thought someone was trying to call you. But all of your notifications were for Instagram, and I know I shouldn't have opened the app on your phone but I thought maybe it was your girlfriends' group chat and Sophie finally got engaged." I let out a small chuckle at that, we basically were taking bets on when her and her high school sweetheart would finally take the next step.

"I'm guessing that isn't what you saw." I knew what he was going to say next but I was hoping with every fiber of my being that I was wrong.

"No, I saw the worst of humanity in your DMs. I just- how can people be so cruel?" William slumped into the bar stool next to me at the island as I reached for my phone having to see what was sent to me now. "Ellie…" I ignored his worried warning as I opened up the app, going to my DMs.

Fat cow, you only got pregnant so that you could lock in some who is far too good for you. I hope he sees he could do so much better and kicks you out before that baby ruins his career and life!

So you are just using him for his money. I bet the baby isn’t even his, probably a teammate who makes less. Whore!

Bitch, why are you even with Willy? He is a literal hockey god and from what i can tell you are just some stupid high school math teacher. He can do so much better than you. 

There were over 50 messages just like those, all sent within the last hour. I didn't even dare look at the comments on my latest post, even though it was a few days old the braver trolls put their nasty messages there for the whole world to see.

"How long has this been happening?" I had hopped off my stool, going to plate up the food we brought home and trying to avoid the conversation I knew we needed to have. "Ellie… Please talk to me. How long?"

"Honestly, since we started posting that we were dating. It's gotten worse since we posted that we are gonna be parents."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because part of me thought that if I just deleted the messages and comments that it wasn't real. That if I was the only one who knew that I could just pretend that it was all in my head. Then there is that stupid voice in my head that likes to play up my insecurities, that made me feel like if you saw what people were sending me that you would believe it. And I know that thinking that is stupid and unrealistic but it can sometimes be the loudest thing in there." William also got off his stool, coming to stand right in front of me. He kissed my forehead before cupping my cheeks and holding eye contact.

"Min skatt, never feel like you have to hide this from me. You are the one I am in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with. You are the only one that can make me smile and laugh when I am in a bad mood after a game. You are the only one I see myself growing old, and possibly bald with." I let out a gasp at the word bald, he was so protective about his hair.

"See, the rational part of me knows all that."

"Well, let me make it clear to every part of you. I love you with every fiber of my being and as soon as I meet with your father next week to ask for his blessing, I will be asking you to marry me."

"Will…"

"But I am going to need you to act surprised when I ask." That got a small chuckle out of me. 

"I'll do my best." William's stomach growled then, making both laugh. "Let's eat before your stomach starts communicating with us again." William just nods, a thoughtful look on his face that I'm sure would cause problems later but right now I just wanted to live in the happy moment.

After reheating the food and settling at the kitchen island to eat, I went through and deleted all the DMs and comments. I barely registered what they said as I deleted. What I didn't know was Will was looking at the comments as I deleted before pulling out his own phone. It was only when my phone buzzed with another notification that I found out what he was doing. 

@williamnylander tagged you in a post

The post was two pictures side by side; the first was from our first date at a Christmas market, all bundled up and snuggled into each other as we took the photo in a mirror. The other picture was a selfie he took of us at my last doctor's appointment for the pregnancy, both of us were all smiles as I sat on the exam table with a picture of the sonogram on the screen behind us.

Two pictures of the love of my life. One from our first date, where I was a clutz and spilt hot chocolate all over her light grey coat and she still agreed to a second date. The other from a few weeks ago when we got another look at our baby. 

I can say without any doubt that having Ellie in my life has only made it better. She has become my sounding board for when I'm frustrated, my motivation to score more goals, and my ray of sunshine on any cloudy day. 

I knew from that first date that Ellie was the one for me, no one can tell me otherwise. And now she is carrying our first child. My heart continues to grow and fall in love with this amazing, kind, dedicated, caring, loving, and perfect woman each day.

I am so lucky to spend time with you each day and anyone who says otherwise is wrong and jealous of what we have.

Min skat, I am so excited to watch our family grow and experience the joys and challenges of parenthood with you. Ellie I love you and can't wait to see where we go next. 

Together.

The tears started flowing before I even read the caption, the pictures enough with my pregnancy hormones. But the words William managed to write push me over the edge, I was crying at the love he put into the words but also laughing at the not so subtle 'fuck you' to all the nasty people who sent you messages.

"Did I overstep? I don’t want to embarrass you."

"It's perfect. You're perfect. I love you."

"I love you too, and I plan on showing you that everyday. Even if it is something as simple as an Instagram post."

"It's not just the post, it's that you are saying to all the people who see your pictures and then come trash talk to me that you know about them. And that will probably stop some of them from doing it again. And anyone who doesn't get the message gets blocked."

"Good. Now, let go watch some TV and cuddle." Nodding grabbing my plate of food, following William to the couch before curling into his side.

As William pulled up the next episode of a show we were binging, I thought of something. "You never have told me what 'min skat' means."

"It means 'my treasure'. And it reminds me how lucky I am every day to have you in my life."

[dawniebb]

Face reveal bc yes

So, guys...especially from the Renegades fandom bc i’m the most active there: you saw the title lmao. This will...barely get notes (i wonder if it’ll get notes at all) buuUUUT YEAH LET’S GOOOO (If you’re gonna reblog pls be respectful bc i have issues and btw reblog ONLY if we are mutuals)

THIS IS ME! <3 HELLOOOO!!!

Now, if you want to stop here, do it. If you don’t...well

I’m going to tell you a story about myself and why I decided to post this.

First of all, I’m not celebrating anything. I’m just celebrating me, I guess (?) and in fact I’ve been wanting to do this since my parents got me a She-Ra cake for my 20th birthday back in May, because I loved that thing and felt the physical need to shove that thing into everyone’s faces But I didn’t because I didn’t feel ready enough...then that thought left my mind, and it came back like two weeks ago.

I’ve had mental issues since I was in like...elementary school. I’m sure I had felt depressed before I turned 12; however, the first memory I hold of feeling so, it’s when I was already 12. Because it was then when I realized that I wasn’t just a dumb kid who didn’t know how to make friends xd To this day, I genuinely feel like I was suffering from isolation bullying; you know xd my classmates purposely excluded me from activities, they would find any excuse for not letting me join their work teams and stuff like that; during my last year at elementary school, I only had like one friend, and that one friend and I shared a sort of abusive/toxic relationship, as in: manipulation, “we’re best friends. you should only talk to ME”, and then this friend turned her back at me too, because she decided to join the rest of the group and ignore me.

lol.

And I remember wondering what was I doing wrong. Like, why didn’t people like me; why didn’t they want to hang out with me; why did everyone seem to have friends except me. And then I got trapped into a very...dark place, and I remember being overthinking one day, because I tend to overthink a lot...and I remembered this specific kid who was in the same class as me.

I was in the line for the teacher to check my homework, and this kid, a boy, was behind me.

You see. I’ve always been chubby xd I don’t think I’ve ever been skinny since I was 2 years old or so, because by the time I was in kindergarten my classmates’ moms were already calling me a ‘little meatball’ thinking it was a fucking adorable nickname because Mexican moms can be pretty shitty sometimes don’t let the media stereotypes fool you not all of them are all cheerful and upbeat and when I was in elementary school, for some reason, besides being chubby, I had a really bad posture. And this boy who was behind me started imitating my way of walking and his friends were laughing, so I turned around and asked him wtf his problem was xd and he turned around to his friends and asked “Do you see how hunchback she is?” like I wasn’t even there xd and I genuinely tried to slap him but I couldn’t, and he said “Yo, stop moving because you’re going to cause an earthquake”

And my mom has always felt personally attacked for the fact I’m...u know, fat. She has always been very insistent on the fact I need to lose weight and stuff like that. And her, mixed with my experiences at school, made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

But my mind started saying things like “And u know why you aren’t enough? Because you’re fat”

Because, like, the day of the hunchback insult, when I told the teacher, who was a very shitty teacher btw but i’m not talking about her again today (i’ve already talked about her in MANY of my university papers, because I’m studying to be an English teacher), she turned around at him and said “Don’t listen to HER” and to this day I still don’t know why xd

But it made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Because I was fat.

Lol x2.

To this day, I still don’t know if I have an ED. Like, I genuinely don’t know. But I can safely say that, if I have one, it’s more likely BED... because, through the years, I managed to lose weight when I turned like 15 and I had my quinceañera party, but then first year of high school came and I had a relapse into depression...like, this might come off as a very unpopular opinion, but junior high school was dope for me x’d I remember it as one of the best years in my life, right after my second and third year in high school (high school in Mexico lasts only three years) and so...when I started my first year in high school and got fucking depressed again, I gained ALL that weight back, and even doubled it. During my second year of high school, I met my friends. The friends I still keep with me to this day. And they accepted me like the fucking train wreck I was, failing math like three times in a row and crying about it every single one of those times  because I’m pretty sure I have dyscalculia but my parents won’t listen to me they think i’m just lazy when it comes to math even though they know i cant even read a fucking clock . And them, along with my another very close friend who I met via fanfction when I was 12, helped me go through it. Like, I did have some issues with my body during high school, but not as much as you would expect. They were getting pretty bad in my first and second semester, but during the other four my friends managed to stop me from losing my mind, even when it all went to shit in my third year again for different reasons.

Then I graduated from high school, and I made friends there too. Although my best friends are still my friend from fanfiction, my friends from high school and just one of my university friends. And you know...I was left...pretty scarred from the shit that happened during third year of high school, and even if I didn’t feel like I was *that* depressed, I did gain a lot of weight.

Like, the highest I’ve ever been. Then my dad got sick during October from last year, then my two doggies were murdered god i fucking hate my neighbors the same day my dad was released from the hospital and my mom went kinda nuts during December and I wanted to just...yeah.

So I did a lot of emotional eating. Like, y’all don’t understand.

It was like...I would go to uni and eat a brownie. Then chocolates on my way home. THEN a “a snack” like...fucking rice krispies. Then a huge ass meal, with soda bc why not. Then I would have either cookies or hot cheetos as a treat after my huge ass meal,

I’m a short person xd carrying that much weight was making my ribs and back hurt, as well as my legs and feet; my breathing was freaking awful, and there were some days were I got SO paranoid I just said things like “i’m gonna die today” or “out here trying to get diabetes like the rest of your family, aren’t you??” :’) but i didn’t tell anybody. My parents are not really an option in this case, BUT I didn’t tell my friends, because then I would have to explain that I ate a lot and that was something I was EXTREMELY ashamed of.

When February came, I was scared of going out, because I knew I would have to choose what clothes to wear and nothing fit me anymore and, the things that did, looked super stretched on me and, u know, I was sore. My health was getting bad. But I didn’t like to feel that way.

AND I MUST CLARIFY HERE. I’M WORKING ON THAT. I’M ACTUALLY A BODY POSITIVY DEFENDER, I JUST DIDN’T LIKE HOW *I* LOOKED AND, BESIDES, I WAS GETTING SICK. I GENUINELY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE AT SOME POINT. I’M NOT SAYING BEING FAT OR CHUBBY IS DISGUSTING. NO. I BELIEVE ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL. AND IF I’M WRITING THIS IS BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO KNOW RECOVERY IS DISGUSTING AND DIFFICULT SOMETIMES AND THAT IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THAT: I’M SORRY. NOBODY SHOULD EVER FEEL LIKE THAT. I SUPPORT YOU. AND I HOPE THINGS GET BETTER. AND NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE TO CHANGE ONLY IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE. BECAUSE IT’S YOUR BODY. KEEP HOLDING ON.

But going back to the story...

My friends used to tell me I looked pretty all the time, which I appreciate a lot to this day. But my parents were like

Me: I’m fat and I look deformed.

Them: I agree.

Because yeah.

Just before the pandemic madness happened, I went on a school trip with my uni friends and one of them triggered my isolation trauma in the worst way possible...and that, somehow, ruined ALL the photos I took throughout the trip. Because I wasn’t enough. Because I was deformed and fat and I looked like an apple. Because nobody wanted to be seen near me. And my personality was shitty.

Like, I should’ve known I was worth it. I’m still worth it and I know that. But I wasn’t less worth it when I was chubbier. And maybe I didn’t look as bad as my head made me believe. But at the time my mental health was extremely awful.

Now, covid happened.

Not gonna lie. Quarantine fucked me up as much as it fucked everyone else, but for me...by not going out, I stopped being near trigger foods, and I was even able to consult a dietitian.

I’ve lost 15 kg since March. And I’ve managed to love my past self, but I love this one because changing it was my decision. Sure, my parents didn’t help a lot, but in the end it was MY decision. I’ve come to accept I was worth it even when I felt disgusted by myself, and all of those awful things people said or did to me, like my friend during that trip...

I didn’t deserve any of those things. Because NO ONE deserves to be treated that way.  No one deserves somebody else making fun of them. No one deserves somebody else doing awful things to them that they know damn well that they trigger their childhood trauma. No one deserves to be judged for the way they look.

I was in a very dark place, and sometimes I’m still inside there. And like...during all those times, I kept posting in here.

I remember being next to my dad in the hospital, telling him “Guess what? Supernova drops this week” or “We’re going to watch TDP together, right?” or “Let me talk to you about She-Ra...” ....those were things that like...saved my life for a while, though mostly Supernova. Because, actually, Marissa Meyer has helped me in my fucking darkest years x’d from my third year of high school until now.

Her books didn’t take my depression away, but they did make things a little lighter for me, even when I felt like dying.

And I know this fandom is like..full of minors, so...I don’t know if any of you need to hear this: But you’re worth it.

If you want to change anything in your body, do it because YOU want to.

Because YOU’LL like you better.

Because it’s YOUR body, and it’s the only part of yourself that you and other people can touch.

Nobody should ever tell you you’re worthless because of your weight and your physical appearance. And if they ever do, then they’re the ones who should apologize, not you.

Nobody has the right to mistreat you, abuse you, or use your own body against you.

As for me...my ribs don’t hurt anymore. Nor does my back or my feet, and my breathing is getting better; I took the conscious decision to lose weight but, like I said, now that I’m not in such a dark place, I’m staring to realize that the past me wasn’t as hideous as my mind was making me believe. She was okay; she was broken inside, but she didn’t deserve anything that happened to her, nor did she deserved to treat herself that badly.

I posted my photo just to celebrate that I can finally said I’m not disgusted anymore. I can finally see myself in pictures again. And see my own reflection. Or go through my closet. Or do my makeup, because I LOVE doing my makeup and I was even ashamed of that. I’m not fully okay yet, but I’m healing.

So, if there’s any little Dawnie around here: I hope you give yourself a chance and realize you’re beautiful.

I hope that, if you change, it’s because you wanted to do it.

I hope you know that it’ll get better even if the healing process it’s not that easy.

I hope you know there’s people who love you.

I hope you know that you are beautiful. You were always beautiful and, no matter what path you choose, you’ll always be beautiful.

And worth it.

And human.

And important.

Take care of yourself, because you’re wonderful, no matter your size <3

[some-dr-writings]

Rantaro x Fussy SHSL Model Reader: A Reunion

You and Rantaro had been best friends for as long as you could remember. You two had been together for everything whether it be holidays, weekdays, anything really. You also always supported one another like when you had to get surgery after fracturing your arm or helping Rantaro search for his lost sisters. Because the two of you were always together you were like another member of the Amami family, so you were great friends with his little sisters, like another older sibling. That was probably where you got your fussy tendencies. They were also the reason you became a model. The Amamis were rather rich so, they could have easily sent people out to search, but likely if word of the girls’ disappearances got out, someone would find at least one of them and hold her for ransom. Another reason was Rantaro’s parents weren’t exactly ever really around so in all honesty you weren’t exactly sure if they cared about their daughters going missing. But Rantaro and you cared. So, you became a model. If you got famous enough, you’d be well known around the world and maybe Rantaro’s sisters would see you, recognize you and try to contact you. That was your hope at least. But over the years as Rantaro kept traveling and you getting busier and busier with work, you slowly lost contact with one another.

Your goal was eventually reached though, or at least it was a sign you were heading in the right direction. You had gotten scouted and was asked to join Hope’s Peak Academy as the Super High School Level Model. You accepted without a second thought. In all this time, you never forgot your true goal. It was the only thing that kept you going down this path, even all the difficulties and hard work, with seeing and occasionally being forced to partake in the darker side of the modeling industry. There were some nights where you just wanted to quit and never look back, but not knowing of another subtle way to get well known in the mainstream you pressed on. It was practically guaranteed that anyone who went to Hope’s Peak would be known the world over or at least in their industry. You had to attend, you just had too.

It felt surreal going back to school. You ended up being homeschooled after modeling since the schedule was too restrictive. This was a rather refreshing change of pace. You were hardly ever there focusing on your modeling work, but on the rarer occasions you were there it was rather lovely. So relaxed. No posing for hours on end, no having to follow all orders and demands given, no creeps, no people judging you for your looks… kind of. You were a model so it was only natural it would happen.

Because you so rarely got to go to school you never really got to connect with your classmates but at least they were nice to you. You didn’t exactly have friends here, just acquaintances. And so, you were left to your own devices. Which included eating on your own at lunch.

One of the many good things about Hope’s peak is that because the school was solely dedicated to cultivating talent you were able to get rid of some of your coaches, particularly your diet one, since as the Super High School Level or Ultimate you should be able to do this on your own, so you finally had a proper excuse to get rid of them so you could actually eat healthy and not starve yourself! Sure, you’d have to exercise more but if it meant actually getting to be full sometimes you didn’t mind at all!

There you sat in the grassy courtyard, simply watching as students meandered about. The sun beamed down from that cloudy sky as a cool autumn breeze rolled past carrying along some warm colored, crisp leaves with it. You nibbled away at your meal more so lost in thought than truly savoring the taste and textures you had long ago abandoned for not being approved of by your coach. It was rarer to have a moment like this. A moment to just sit back with absolutely nothing on your to-do list. You could… just do anything.

…

“Huh? Don’t tell me that’s all you’re going to eat.” That voice! “Rantaro!? When did- what!?” He simply chuckled seeing your baffled reaction. “Here, have some of mine.” “Wait! No! Hold on! Firstly, you’re attending Hope’s Peak too. Secondly, how have you been. Thirdly, when did you start sitting next to me. Fourthly… I’ve missed you.” He passed you his lunch box before looking out to the courtyard like you had been moments ago. “I’m fine, and I missed you too. As for when I got here, maybe a minuet ago?” “You’re just as laid back and relaxed as always it seems.” “Yeah, maybe so.” “You don’t even button up your blazer! Rantaro we’re at school, please have some decorum at this prestigious place.” “Huh? Speak for yourself, your blazer is unbuttoned too.” “I’m a model, so fashion or something. I have an excuse! I doubt your talent would let you get away with this without getting scolded or something.” “Yeah, I guess Ultimate Traveler title doesn’t give me such liberties.” You set about fixing his blazer, temporarily ignoring the food.

Neither of you said a word about it, but… somehow, despite the years, this moment was exactly like when you were kids. Like nothing had changed at all.

“Okay, now that I’m dolled up, please eat.” “Okay, okay! Geez.” “Guess I’ll have to start making lunch for you myself if you eat so little.” “Excuse me! But… that…” You looked rather sheepish, mumbling your next words, almost ashamed by your next statement. “was actually the most I had eaten in a while.” For a moment Rantaro stared at you before his expression shifted to one you had seen a thousand times before. The look he gave you whenever you wanted to do something reckless, the look he had asking you if the surgery on your arm went well, the look he gave you when you told him of your plan to become a model to find his sisters and he explained how some of his sisters wanted to do so and in doing research for them he learned how strenuous and tough it could be. His concerned yet understanding expression. His brows slightly furrowed, posture a little slouched, his hands held together toward his face, often his chin resting on them. “Model work that rough, huh.” “It’s getting better. Right now, I’m working toward being able to eat a little more each day without gaining too much too quickly. It’s a slow process but soon I should be able to have a proper, full meal again!” “There’s that determination. Seems you haven’t changed much yourself.” He smiled and seemed to relax. Especially so once he saw you eating, humming in delight at his cooking. “Ah. I forgot how good your cooking is!” “I’m just glad you enjoy it so!”

“This takes me back. Remember how we’d make lunch for your sisters before school? It was always so fun! And chaotic since they all always wanted different things and would change their mind AS we were cooking.” “… Yeah, it was.” It pained you seeing how his voice withdrew becoming solemn. “So… have you found any of them?” “No, not yet. And you?” “Unfortunately, not…” Resting you chin in one of your hands, you sighed, looking out at the horizon. “Maybe I’m unrecognizable to them now. I’ve lost so much weight.” You placed a hand on your stomach. “I don’t get to wear my preferred clothes, the style they’d be used to seeing on me, when at photo shoots.” You pinched the fabric of your button up shirt and pulled it out a little. “So much makeup is caked onto me because of those swelteringly bright lights.” You placed a hand on your cheek. “My hair had been changed so many times, even I don’t remember that it’s my own sometimes. Feels like some cheaply mad wig when so much hair spray is placed on.” You ran a hand through your hair pulling it all back for a moment. “It’s been years so all that plus being older and more mature looking doesn’t help. I’m surprised you recognized me Rantaro. You even mentioned my determined look. Even without it you knew I was me. Maybe I am still recognizable, somehow…” “Maybe, but I have been following you since your career started so that probably helps.” “Even after we stopped texting and calling?” “Yeah, have a look.”

He took out his phone, quickly logged in to an account on some social media platform and passed it to you. Instantly you recognized the account name. “Y/N#1fanboy!? Excuse me, but that’s you!?” “Yep.” “The account that retweets, reblogs, everything I’m in!?” “Yep.” “Even the smallest of jobs!” “Yes.” “The account that famously is able to without a doubt disprove any bad press about me!?” “Yeah.” “THE account that has saved my butt more times than I can count!” “Your welcome” Your mind sputtered not believing this revelation and having no idea how to react. “I… You… What… Wh… WHY DIDN’T YOU EVER TELL ME!?” “… Oh, I guess it never crossed my mind.” “OH. MY. GOODNESS RANTARO! HOW ARE YOU SIMULTANEOUSLY THE SMARTEST AND MOST OBLIVIOUS PERSON I KNOW!” “Would you have believed me if I told you, though?” “NO! But you could have sent a picture or something! Or if not you have had an ‘I told you so’ moment right now! We could have been still… well I still would have been busy, but it would have been nice to know you didn’t forget about me!” “… That hurts.” He placed a hand on your head and lightly ruffled your hair. “You thought I could ever forget my best friend, or my crush.”

“… Your… Your what now?”

“My best friend?” “Enough with the teasing smile! The other thing, your crush!?” Your cheeks were flushed as you stared slack jawed at the man. Did he seriously just confess to you, in the most nonchalant way he could? “Yeah, I had a crush on you since we were kids but back then I was too embarrassed to tell you.” He gently laughed at himself as your mind just froze. “… And you decided to just drop this out of the blue!?” “Yeah. You’ll probably go back to work soon, so I better tell you now before I lose this chance.” “I… Excuse me, but WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS!?” “Huh? Like what?” “YOU! Just… This is just like when we were kids all over again.” You buried your face in your hands, not prepared for this at all. “There, there. Take your time.” He placed a hand on your back and gently rubbed it.

“So… you uh… wanna go on a date?” “You’d go on a date with me?” Before you could respond he wrapped an arm around your shoulders, pulling you into a side hug. “I’d love too!” “Okay! But, uh… I’m not sure what to do. That’s actually what I was thinking of before you got here. This is the first time in a long time I had a day off from work, and now that I have it, I have no idea what to do with it.” “I can see that. Modeling work is demanding, you probably don’t have much time for yourself.” “Yeah.” “Want to just hang in my dorm room and play video games or just read? I’ve found some good books on my travels.” “That… sounds absolutely lovely.”

Quickly your mind wandered to the days ahead. Sighing in defeat you leaned your head onto Rantaro’s shoulder. “Although, if we start dating you know we can’t spend much time together, right?” He pulled you a little bit closer. “I know. Doesn’t make me like you any less.” “I just want to make sure. This can’t exactly be a typical relationship.” “Even if you weren’t a model this still wouldn’t be. I’d still be traveling, retracing my steps, trying to find my sisters. Finding them…” He paused for a moment truly considering his next words. They were true, without a doubt so, he shouldn’t hold back. “That’s my top priority. What kind of big brother or partner would I be if I left only you to work hard, trying your best to find them.” Your blush darkened hearing him call you that. “I travel a lot too for photo shoots. Even if we stay in contact, we’ll probably be in different time zones.” “Likely…”

You didn’t see it, but Rantaro looked down to you, his expression twisting to something serious. “But I’ll find a way. I have too this time.” You noticed the new tone he took on, the power, that deep rumbling in his voice. “This time?” “… I’m not that great of a guy. First, I lose my sisters, every single one, and then I lose you too.” “Hey.” You sat up and look him directly in the eyes. “No pity party. That’s just pathetic. We both lost contact with one another. The burden is not entirely yours alone.” “Y/N, you had work. Work you didn’t even like, but you kept at if for my sisters. You were busy trying to reach out to them the best way you thought how. I at least could have let you know I was supporting you.” “Rantaro. Stop it. This is just annoying!” You placed your hands on his shoulders, holding him at arm’s length. “Don’t dwell on the past! All we can do is move forward!” “You’re right. And moving forward, I won’t let go of you again. I’ll do whatever it takes to make this work. I want you around, I want you in my life. I could have before, but I just didn’t. But not anymore. I’m not going to lose any more people I care about.”

You smirked taking one of his hands into your own. “So, that’s your birthday wish.” “… Birthday wish.” “Oh my fudge, don’t tell me you forgot your birthday.” “… I did. But! Even if I did remember, that would not be it. This is a declaration. I will do this. I’m not going to lose you again. And… if I find my sisters, I’m not going to let go of them either.”

It was then those bells chimed.

You stood up, dragging Rantaro up with you. “You say you’re not that great of a guy, but you want and are trying to improve. I think that’s admirable.” You quickly straightened out and unwrinkled Rantaro’s uniform before picking a leaf off his head and tidying his unruly hair. “And don’t act like we’re in a competition to find your sisters.” You intertwined your fingers with his. “Let’s work together this time. On searching for them, and improving our communication skills, alright?” “… Yeah, I’d love too.”

[zrtranscripts]

Season 9, Mission 4: Out of the Past

Heist

~

[birds twitter]

AMELIA SPENS: Okay team, let's go over this one more time. General Bakari has sent Abel a distress call from a remote Tunisian base, Red Scorpion, which is probably home to red fungus and definitely home to one Ernest Van Ark.

PETER LYNNE: Oh, despite the fact that you, you know, um, what was it? Oh yes, blew him up with a rocket launcher, Five! That's... [laughs] It's typical! My luck. We get Janine back safe, and oh, who pops up but the devil himself?

AMELIA SPENS: Bakari wants a team to sneak something out of Red Scorpion. Our hope is that it's a red fungus countermeasure. To get there, our team needs to infiltrate New Agadir, a city in the middle of the desert, while posing as Death's Hand, a mercenary group whose greatest hits include assassinating a blue chip CEO using a neurotoxin-tipped knitting needle and overthrowing at least three heads of state.

FRANCES DEMPSEY: This is all so exciting! Proper Mission Impossible stuff!

AMELIA SPENS: Peter, remind me why you brought the new person along. It's Frances, isn't it? From the Hebrides?

FRANCES DEMPSEY: I wanted to try a run. Janine said I could come because it's a low-danger assignment, and because I promised to stop asking to be on the Tunisia team if she let me. I overheard Sam talking about the mission.

AMELIA SPENS: Marvellous. Janine should add “make Sam keep a secret” to her bucket list. [sighs] At least you're not pestering me to let you go. I've already had to veto Jody's involvement. I need her here working with me to train runners on McShell tower protocol.

PETER LYNNE: [laughs] I bet she was thrilled about that.

AMELIA SPENS: Anyway, our problem is getting a team to Tunisia. The information in Bakari's transmission enabled us to contact the Maghreb Protectorate, a government which operates in what used to be parts of Tunisia, Libya, and Algeria.

FRANCES DEMPSEY: Another government, that's incredible!

AMELIA SPENS: Yes, well, they're no use to us yet. They have no jurisdiction over New Agadir, and besides, our governments do not yet trust each other enough for them to provide assistance. Our team can't risk crossing Europe - too many unknowns - and our few ships are all either exploring or acting as repeater stations for overseas agents - too far out to be useful.

All we have left are small coastal merchants. I've found one scow captain willing to take people to Tunisia, but he's cautious. He wants the latest nautical charts. Pre-apocalypse, obviously. Not a lot of hydrographic surveys since Z-Day. You're approaching the London home of Horatio Brewer, famous British investor. Should have what we want.

PETER LYNNE: Are we sure about that, Amelia?

AMELIA SPENS: Fairly. Mr. Brewer was a keen yachtsman. Old Ministry intel says he planned to escape Z-Day by sailing to a second home on the Tunisian coast. Had all the prep work done, then his neighborhood turned gray. We think zoms got him, but he was keeping his preparation safe in a basement vault.

PETER LYNNE: Great. So basically, we're looting a dead man's travel plans. Lovely. Um, see that street across the park, Five? That'll be his, so better hurry while it's still light out. Come on, everybody. Run!

~

[birds twitter]

FRANCES DEMPSEY: Wow, this is a classy street. Look at the mansions. That one's got ivory cherubs carved over the gates.

PETER LYNNE: Neighborhood's in pretty awful condition, though. You've got overgrown gardens, smashed windows. No sign of V-types though, thank God. Dearg made me a prototype one-man burn cube, Five, sewn right into my chest. Anti-P-type measure. Got the trigger, but not massively eager to try it.

AMELIA SPENS: Maybe not, but it's the only reason I'm letting you near Tunisia.

FRANCES DEMPSEY: So Amelia, who exactly are these Death’s Hands people? Will they be tough to impersonate?

PETER LYNNE: Frances...

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, they're a nasty bunch. Former special ops, freelance since Z-Day. Bakari says they've been traveling the world as hired guns. Their rep gets them a lot of private security gigs. He's given us contact details for the real team, so we can lure them out of our operation’s way.

PETER LYNNE: Frankly, I don't think we should be trusting Bakari. This whole thing is probably a trap, which is why, Frances, Janine said that you can't – [zombies moan] Oh, God damn it!

FRANCES DEMPSEY: Uh, isn't that the place we want? Big Georgian house covered in ivy?

PETER LYNNE: Well, Amelia, there's a horde of zoms milling outside Brewer's house, so we can't make it to the entrance.

FRANCES DEMPSEY: Well, we could gain entry by the house next door. Look at the big white mansion. Its roof's half collapsed, sloping into the road. We could clamber across it, jump to Brewer's roof, and get in through his attic window.

AMELIA SPENS: You know Peter, I'm warming to the new blood. Quickly then, off you go. I've got the scow captain waiting on tenterhooks. I need this deal closed ASAP. Run!

~

PETER LYNNE: Amelia, we um, we got in through the attic window, followed a ladder leading deeper into the house. Now we've found a sort of private antique collection? So we're in a carpeted hall full of artifacts in glass cases.

FRANCES DEMPSEY: They've got plaques. That's a Roman bust, Celtic coins, an Egyptian amulet. That's a Carthaginian pot from Tunisia. Shouldn't these be in a museum?

AMELIA SPENS: Ah, well, Mr. Brewer was a rather avid black market trader, made a fortune trafficking plundered historical artifacts. Actually, it might make a good impression if our little expedition returns some stolen goods. Grab the Carthaginian pot, Peter.

PETER LYNNE: Oh, burglary with Amelia, just like old times. So let's see. It's a classic. We've got the pot on the pedestal, so if I just lift its case - [alarm blares] Ah. I honestly didn't think the alarm battery would have lasted this long. Um, Five, grab that pot, would you?

[zombies moan]

FRANCES DEMPSEY: Uh, guys, apparently there are zoms in the house too, coming up the stairs behind Five. Six big ones in dark suits.

PETER LYNNE: Oh, that'll be Brewer's former home security. Alarm's got their attention. Hello! Still on the job, eh, boys?

AMELIA SPENS: Wish I could find staff that dedicated. No need to waste rounds, blueprint says there's a master bedroom down the corridor on your left. Brewer always left a spare key in the lock for his mistress. If you can lure the zombies in, you can trap them there. Run!

~

FRANCES DEMSPEY: Keep going, Five, there's the door past the amphora vases. God, how big is this house?

AMELIA SPENS: It was originally five smaller houses that were joined together behind a Georgian facade. Brewer felt he needed the space.

[door creaks open, floor creaks]

PETER LYNNE: Amelia, we're in the bedroom. There's a – ooh, four-poster bed, lovely. Uh, photos of Brewer and his family. Nice mustache. It's very Howard Hughesian. Um, Frances, you okay?

FRANCES DEMPSEY: Zombies! I forgot how scary they are up close. Didn't have them on Dearg. I'm actually shaking.

PETER LYNNE: Oh, uh, oh yeah, of course. No no no, um, it's okay, Frances. See, so the key was in the door and um, here's what we're gonna do. We're all going to get behind the bed. This room's really big, so when the zoms come at us, we'll then be able to circle around and lock them all in.

FRANCES DEMPSEY: The house isn't in the best structural condition. There are big cracks in the walls, and that creaking probably means the floor is compromised. If any more bodies start stomping in here -

[zombies growl]

PETER LYNNE: See, there are the zoms and they're... coming straight over the bed, so run for the - ! No, no, no! [shouts]

[floor collapses, glass shatters, PETER and FRANCES cough]

AMELIA SPENS: Peter, Five? What happened?

FRANCES DEMSPEY: The floor gave way under the bed! [coughs] The zoms were too much weight. It just smashed down through the house, took the zoms with it.

[house creaks]

PETER LYNNE: This house is definitely unstable. Yep, uh, sounds like the whole place is coming down.

AMELIA SPENS: If you follow the corridor outside the bedroom, you'll find stairs. Take them down to the basement. It's a reinforced garage, should remain intact if the house collapses. Plus, it's where that vault is. Hurry up, you don't have long to grab those charts, and they're absolutely vital.

PETER LYNNE: Oh, also um, there's a horde of zombies chasing us. Come on, run!

~

[zombies moan, house creaks]

PETER LYNNE: Yep, there's the stairs, Five. Straight down, down you go.

FRANCES DEMPSEY: The chandeliers overhead are really shaking. Five, look out!

[chandelier falls, glass shatters]

PETER LYNNE: [laughs] That was close! Chandelier smashed right through the stairs. Could have done without the glass shards in my face, to be perfectly honest. Um, edge around the hole it's left in the stairs. [house creaks, zombies moan] Oh, fantastic. Amelia, we just passed the ground floor and I can hear more zombies barging into the house. So that'll be the horde from outside, attracted to all the noise.

AMELIA SPENS: Just keep following the stairs down. There are exits in the basement, but you have to reach the vault first. Run!

~

PETER LYNNE: Yep, yep, yep. Five, close the door, close the door! [door slams shut] Oh, good. Amelia, we've made it. We're in the basement garage, and the stairwell’s collapsed behind us. Ooh, this is a huge concrete car park. There's tons of fancy cars. There's Bentleys, BMWs... a Model T? All right, just, could you give me a minute, Five? I've just got to pick some chandelier out of my face and eyes.

FRANCES DEMPSEY: That's amazing. Your wounds, the way they're healing. Enhanced cell regeneration? The scientists on Dearg talked about it. [gasps] This is what Van Ark did to you!

PETER LYNNE: Yes, it is. Not really looking forward to meeting him again. Rather pull my kidneys out, honestly. But Janine is not leaving me behind this time. I just got her back and I won't lose her again.

FRANCES DEMSPEY: Dearg was his, you know. I was trapped there for ages. If you're going to a Van Ark lab, I can help. And honestly, I can't stay in Abel. It's funny, when we got security fixed at Dearg, first place I wanted to see was where Alice lived. But being there... a lot of older runners, they look at me, they see her. It's hard.

That's why I really came today. I needed to get out. And I guess I started to feel... if I was going to be her ghost, I might as well run, like she did. I don't want to be a ghost, Peter, and I don't want to go back to Dearg. I want to see the world, find out where I fit in.

AMELIA SPENS: People, you should get moving. That wasn't the only staircase leading to the basement.

PETER LYNNE: Over there, Five, look. It's built into the concrete wall, huge round metal door. That looks like a vault to me. Come on, run!

~

PETER LYNNE: Amelia, we're at the vault door. Here's the C-4. Do the honors, Five. [explosion] [coughs] Okay. Okay, right. Uh, vault is a big gray room with shelves, lots of shelves. Uh, model yachts, dusty piles of... ooh, gold. Five, Frances, look for those charts.

[paper rustles]

FRANCES DEMPSEY: Hey look, found a massive file on a shelf titled Inventory. It's an index of Brewer’s deals and trade contacts. There's a whole chapter on Tunisia.

PETER LYNNE: [laughs] Gotcha! There's tons of nautical charts on this desk under the sextant. [dragging footsteps] Uh, what was that sound? Five, could you go and check behind the shelf of canned food? [zombie groans] Oh, good. Hello! Amelia, we've found Brewer. Looks like he locked himself in here after he'd been bitten, entombed with his wealth like a rubbish pharaoh.

[laughs] Oh good, we've also got a zombie wife and two zombie children in the shadows. Welcome, everyone. He's taken his whole family down with him. [more zombies growl] And that is going to be the rest of the zombies in the garage. So Five, Frances, we're gonna move towards the door. Need an exit now, Amelia.

AMELIA SPENS: There's a ramp on the west end of the car park, leads up to the surface. The shutters open from inside. Hurry, get the charts to safety, run!

~

PETER LYNNE: Okay Five, Frances, I think we've lost the zoms. Street looks clear behind us.

AMELIA SPENS: Well, I'd call that a success. Five even kept the Carthaginian pot. Now we've got the charts, I can have people heading to Tunisia in days.

PETER LYNNE: Janine's finalized the team. It's her, me, Five, Sam, Maxine, and uh, computer expert. Look, I-I am sorry Frances, uh, but honestly, you are safer here. We're going a long way from home, and trust me, Van Ark isn't to be taken lightly.

FRANCES DEMPSEY: Wait a second, look at this. The folder I took, it's full of photos, Brewer logging artifacts he traded. Look at this Roman mosaic from Tunisia, the symbol in the corner.

PETER LYNNE: That is the endless circle from Mor Island.

FRANCES DEMPSEY: That's not all. Brewer's notes say he sold the mosaic to a military base code-named Red Scorpion in Tunisia before Z-Day. He says the commander of the Red Scorpion base scared him, told him not to record any names. Whatever that place is, it's definitely connected to the fungus, and they've known about it since way before we have.

~

[jaehyunspeachparty]

daddy jaehyun

iii.xvii. (m)

"Is that you?" Eunbi held out her smartphone and showed you an article from a Korean celebrity magazine. She was a fellow student and you hadn't talked to her very much yet. She was always nice and polite and you once exchanged transcripts. She was very young, maybe 20 years old, like your little sister Mia. "Uhm yes." It was an article about Jaehyun on Return of the Superman and a picture of you was also posted. You try to read about it for a moment, but Eunbi is too excited about it. "Oh my god, I can't believe it. I was wondering all the time why you got a Korean last name. I've always been a fan of NCT. Ahhh Jaehyun and Haechan are ... were .. are my bias." She didn't quite know how to express herself so as not to look disrespectful. "To be honest, I was a little bit sad when I found out that Jaehyun had married you. But ... wow ...you look so beautiful!" She talked and talked and could hardly breathe with excitement. You had never experienced anything like this before. "Hey Eunbi, could you maybe not tell anyone? Almost nobody in the university knows that and I would love it if it stays that way. Can it remain our secret?" At some point it had to come out anyway, but you wanted to have your privacy for as long as possible. "Yes, of course, I promise. I swear!!!!" She smiled and put her books on the table. "Thanks, that's really important to me." You smile kindly and turn a little to her. "I just can't believe it. I'm studying with Miga and Sunoh's mother. I love Return of the Superman. They're both so cute." Now she sat next to you and you found it all very exciting, because you never met someone like that yourself. It was always Jaehyun who gets the reaction. You have deliberately moved away from the media, especially since your miscarriage. "Thank you, yes they are both angels." The thought of your children made your heart warm. "Jaehyun seems to be such a good dad. I'm looking forward to a new episode of Return of the Superman coming out tomorrow." She was delighted, but at that moment Matthew came to you with a female colleague. "Are you talking about Return of the Superman?" You didn't really know her, she was in a higher semester, but she may be a good friend of Matthew's. "Yes. Do you watch the series too?" Eunbi smiled kindly and she was just cute in her way. But the other student laughed contemptuously. "What? No. I'm not looking at how parents sell their children to subordinate themselves to capitalist social structures." You had to cough after this statement and hope that you don't react too obviously. "Oh no, it's cute." Eunbin looked at the other woman in shock and tried to defend you also a little. "What is sweet about it? Let us now congratulate the men that they are finally get to know their children? In reality, women are still forced to stay at home in our society. In addition, how should the children lead a normal life? Especially those of former idols. They are already being put in the spotlight and what will become of them later. Like their parents idols? Are they also sexualized? When does that start? " You don't know what to say, you were simply shocked and couldn't say a word. But you didn't have to say anything because Mathew spoke. "In our pluralistic value system, it goes without saying that such things develop. But I am shocked that such industries still sell women and men, portray them as sex objects. Politics only want to keep us from the real problems with such conversations and everyone who supports this supports capitalism and the restriction of democracy." Eunbi looked at the two in shock. "Why do you put that on a political level? Can't someone just enjoy the music and the entertainment without losing social values?" This sweet soul was not only lovely but also super intelligent. "If you consume and support everything, you promote sexism and political secrecy. Who benefits from all of this?" Slowly this debate was too much for you and you feel more and more uncomfortable. "But that's normal business. I still enjoy their music and admire the work of the groups." Eunbin not only defended you and your husband, but also yourself. "Nevertheless, you support sexism and slavery. We have been fighting for women's rights for years and there we see girls jumping on stage in short skirts. They correspond to an ideal that we are not all. For example, I could not be tattooed." She pulled her sleeve up and she could see that her arm was completely tattooed, but then she pointed to you. "Or it would not be okay to be a bit fatter liker her...” She points to you. “...because a flat stomach and a very thin figure are required." You then had to cough. Apparently no one really noticed that you were pregnant, they just think you have just gained some weight. "Hey, that's going too far." Eubin was really angry now and at this moment you get a message from Jaehyun that he was in front of the university. "I'm sorry, I have to go now, unfortunately." You get up and smile. "Yes me too, I still have to learn." Eubin also got up and you leave the cafe together.

"I hope you don't take what they say seriously." Eunbi looked at you with concern and you both slowly left the campus. "No, I can't take things seriously from people who don't know what they're talking about." You smile and Eunbi seems calm. "And you're not fatter. If then it is me." She looks down at her sadly. Eunbi was a bit firmer and she took it all to heart. "That shouldn't be important. She should never have said a comment anyway." You smile and notice how angry Eunbi is. That's why you're trying to calm her down. When you were in the parking lot, you can already see the car, with darkened glasses, that had your license plate. "Jaehyun is already there, should we take you somewhere?" She was so nice all the time and you wanted to reciprocate. "What? No, no. I live here in a student dorm, that's only a bus station away." She smiled and you see the car door open and Jaehyun get out. "Shall we really not take you home." You wanted to offer it to her, but her eyes suddenly grew big and you feel Jaehyun's hand around your waist. Eunbi squeaked softly, turned stiffly and quickly ran away without saying anything. You had to laugh and turn to Jaehyun. "How are you? How are the two?" He kissed you gently and his hands stroked your stomach. "We're fine. Are you ready to see our babies?" You smile and put your hands over his neck. "I can’t wait any longer." He kissed you again and then you set off.

It was your next big check-up at the gynecologist. It was the next important appointment in which you will now find out whether everything is going according to plan. Since you can feel the little ones, you are now less worried than before. Jaehyun was almost more excited than you. When you were talking to the doctor, he held your hand all the time and you notice how restless he got. When the doctor started the ultrasound examination, he only looked at the screen. And when the gynecologist put the device on your stomach and you could see the two of them moving, you were completely fascinated. "I will now check the umbilical cord, the cervix, the amount of amniotic fluid, the placenta and the organs." She tried to explain everything to you, but you were only focused on the screen. You can feel the babies moving, but seeing it at the same time made you so happy. "I would now start with the 3D / 4D ultrasound. I have to know beforehand whether you want to know the gender or not." She replaced the device and you feel Jaehyun stroking your head. "We don't want to know it." You smile and the doctor immediately noted this in her files. "Okay, I'm starting now." You look at the screen again and you could hardly believe it. First, you could see their little feet. They were so tiny and while one baby was kicking, the other had crossed the little legs. Then the doctor zoomed in on their face. You could already see so much, there were just two little people in you. "Oh is that a dimple?" The calmer baby was now sucking on his thumb and it looked as if there was dimple on the cheek. "Maybe, but it doesn't have to be." The doctor examined everything further, but you don't really get any of it because it felt like a dream. "Imagine they would get your dimples as well as Sunoh." You smile and feel Jaehyun kiss your forehead. When the doctor zoomed out further, you could now see the whole stomach and you can see how close the two were. They lay side by side, head to head. It was incredibly cute. "Mr. and Mrs. Jung, the babies are in perfect condition. Everything seems to be perfect. There are no abnormalities. The babies have a perfect size and weight for twins. We are still waiting for your blood test, but I will only check your Blood sugar and iron level. But the babies are really fine." You were incredibly relieved to hear that. The gynecologist sent you the videos and photos by email and you head back to the car. "I am so relieved that everything is fine." You smile and buckle up. "Me too. I can't wait to show the kids." He looked at you and kissed you. At that moment you just feel happiness.

It was late now, but Johnny had managed to get all the children ready for bed. You were really excited that he had all three under control so well. "And they're in there?" Miga looks at the 3D ultrasound and cannot believe it. She taps your stomach and you can feel how one of the babies reacted to their sister. It's so sad for you that nobody else could feel it. Sunoh also had his hands on your stomach and giggled.  "Yeah, they're in Mummie's stomach." Jaehyun stroked his daughter's back and smiled. "Where are you?" She leaned forward and palpated you. "One is here and one is here." You draw along your stomach and Miga was totally thrilled. Her reaction was very different now than it was with Sunoh. But at that time she was still an only child and now she had developed into such a great big sister. "When can they get out?" She continued to ask curiously while Sunoh was already falling asleep in your arms. "It takes a little while, they have to grow a little bit. Now they are too small." This time Jaehyun explained it to her and slowly put her in bed. "Tell them to grow faster. I want to play with them." She giggled and you kiss her. After Miga had also fallen asleep, you two put Sunoh in bed and then goes down to the living room. "Would you like to watch another movie?" You ask your husband, he nodded and you make yourself comfortable on the couch together. You sit in front of him, your shoulder lies on his stomach, so he could stroke your belly. You pull a blanket over yourself because you have already gotten cold and you go through the films that are available. "Hey, can I join too?" Johnny came to you and Jaehyun waved him on the couch. You keep looking and in the end, you agree on a film that Johnny and you thought was good but Jaehyun found a little boring. 

Halfway through the movie, you hear a sigh and you know Jaehyun didn't think the movie was great. But you keep watching it when you suddenly feel Jaehyun's fingers a little further down and suddenly under your panties. You press your lips together when he starts massaging your clit under the blanket and you look briefly at Johnny, who was almost asleep. Jaehyun didn't respond at all, just kept looking at the TV. If the feeling gets too intense, you clear your throat to suppress your moaning. But Jaehyun didn't massage you too hard, so you won't get to orgasm right away. In between, he stopped and left you behind. But then he kept starting teasing you again. He then put a finger in you and you feel how needy you already are because your muscles around him contract tightly. You look up at him, but he keeps staring at the television, but at the same time you feel how he put his second finger in you and slowly you can't stand it any longer. "Jaehyun ..." You whisper while he only gives you a kiss on the head in response. He slowly pulled his fingers out of you and starts massaging your clit again. You went crazy, your whole body reacted. It felt like your whole panties were already completely wet. But then suddenly you hear Johnny and you startle for a moment. "Hmm, I think I should go to bed. Good night." He got up, yawned, and then left the living room. You wait until you hear the door that locked. Then you turn around very quickly and sit on Jaehyun's lap. "How can you tease me like this?" You put your hands on his chest and he just grinned. "It's your own fault if you choose such a boring film." He put his hands on the upper side of your thigh and pushed your sweater dress up so that your ass is free. "What if Johnny had noticed?" You start to grind on his middle and you can hardly stand the tension anymore. "That never bothered you in the dorm before." He winked and grabbed your ass. He was right, at that time he had done it often and you both had found it exciting to test limits. "Shit Jaehyun, I need your dick. Now. Inside me." He immediately took off his shirt as you pull his sweatpants down further. His length immediately jumped out and you don't hesitate a second and raise your hips to place it in front of you. Jaehyun put his hand on your ass again and pulled your panties aside with his fingers so that they weren't in the way. You sit down and feel full lust when you have completely absorbed his dick. "Fuck, you make me so hard." Jaehyun groaned and threw his head back. You put your hands on his chest to support yourself and start riding him. The feeling was incredible and you feel how you got closer to your climax. Jaehyun was louder this time too, his moans made it more intense. At some point, he wants more from you. While riding him but throwing your head back. He pushed your dress up so far that your breasts were free. He was playing with your swollen nipples and you feel that your orgasm would come soon. You wanted to lean forward to ride him faster, but when you lean your head forward again, you see someone standing in the room. "JAINA!" You cried out and quickly pulled your dress down. Jaehyun also turned and looked at the little girl who was staring at you with wide eyes. "Shit." Jaehyun swore as you climb down from him. You straighten your dress and walk towards the girl. Then suddenly she started to cry. "Mummy." She was looking for her mother because she missed her and you were so sorry for all of this. "Come on my little one, we're going to your daddy." She rubbed her eyes and nodded. 

Slowly you go back to the guest room with her and wake up Johnny, who then takes care of Jaina again. You go up and see Jaehyun waiting for you. "It can't go on like this. We can't do anything in our house anymore. We should enjoy the time before the twins come." You go up to him and kiss him. "It won't be long anymore." You try to calm him down, but Jaehyun was already pissed off. "But it's enough for me now.”

daddy jaehyun masterlist

[jaspers-levis]

Continuation Two: Dusk

TW: Self-image, allusion to eating disorders, abuse mention

PSA: The point of this story is not that the reader has value as a woman because of Paul’s attention. Everyone has value. Period. Size, shape, orientation, identification, race, religion, etc are all things that make us who we are but do not define our value as a human being. You don’t need a significant other to believe you have value before you suddenly have value. The point is, sometimes we as humans struggle to see the truth already in front of our own eyes. Our loved ones are there to remind us that no matter what the voices in your head say, you are perfect just the way you are.

Continuation Two: Dusk

Paul Lahote x female reader

“Ugh!” you grunted, your hand slipping from your waistband as you tried desperately to shimmy into a too-tight pair of shorts from last summer. The jean material would barely fit over your hips, shockingly snug despite the fact you were sure you hadn’t gained that much weight over the last year. You tugged one last time, only to hear the material rip. ���Damn it!” Sighing, you slid the shorts down your legs and pulled them free, falling back onto the bed in defeat. It hadn’t been that long since you’d been able to fit into those shorts easily, and the size was already on the larger side in your mind. How could you possibly have gained so much weight in such a short time?

Nothing would fit you beside your largest pair of athletic shorts and even those were snug; you took a deep breath to hold back tears and failed. For years your ex had ridiculed you over your size until you obsessed over every calorie, every crumb on your plate. You’d prided yourself on dropping sizes every few months, until you’d gotten to your ‘goal size’. It was an incredibly unhealthy point in your life, both mentally and physically, but if it was possible for you to make your ex happy in some small way it meant one less way he could hurt you. Now it was a hard to break habit to value your appearance by the number on the tag, a habit you’d thought you’d dropped until now. Hot tears slipped down your cheeks and dripped into your hair, sticking it to your face.

Your phone buzzed beside your head, despairingly you smacked the covers until you found it.

hey babe, be home in a few. dont forget the bonfire 2nite!

You groaned, smacking your forehead lightly. The first bonfire of the summer with the entire pack celebrating the official start to the season was this evening; the weather was supposed to be warmer than it had been in the last few months so you’d pulled out your summer wardrobe in the hopes that everything still fit. This was the last pair of shorts you tried on and everything else was similarly too small… your heart sunk. You wanted to wear something cute to the bonfire, but nothing seemed to fit. 

It normally wouldn’t be such a big deal, but Emily and Kim were both small and athletic and always wore clothes that highlighted their form. Quil’s new imprint Hannah was tall and slim, with a river of striking black hair and a fondness for crop tops and short shorts that showed off her endless legs. It felt like every other female you knew was fit and perfect--besides you. You knew it wasn’t a good idea to compare yourself to others but it was hard when you were constantly surrounded by supernaturally attractive men and their similarly attractive significant others. Why couldn’t you be slim and perfect too? You felt like a chubby little frog next to them… 

“Babe, I’m home!” Paul called from the kitchen, the front screen door slapping shut behind him. Hastily you sat up and swiped at the embarrassing tears dripping down your cheeks but it was too late. “Honey, what’s wrong?” Paul was at your side in an instant, his warm hand sweeping your hair over your shoulder and resting against your neck.

“Nothing, it’s fine,” you muttered, turning your face away. “My dumb shorts don’t fit.”

“Oh,” you heard the frown in his voice and he picked up the offending garment from the floor. “These ones? Well baby, these are tiny! No wonder they don’t fit, they’re practically a children’s size.”

“But I used to fit in them just last summer!” you cried, turning to him and grabbing the shorts. “How did I get so fat??” You thrust yourself up from the bed and went to stand in front of the full length mirror. “I used to be so tiny, I never had a problem fitting into anything. Now I’m just a chunky little gremlin…”

“I’m sorry, what?” Paul asked incredulously, coming up behind you and yanking the shorts from your hands and chucking them forcefully into the corner of the bedroom. He slid his hands under your shirt and wrapped them around your waist. “Honey, no. For one, you’re tiny still, especially compared to me,” he chuckled and gently kissed your neck. “And secondly, who the fuck cares? We’ll  buy new shorts.”

“It’s not that, I should be able to fit into them still! How could I have let myself gain so much weight?!” you sniffed again, glaring at your shape in the mirror and seeing every slice of pizza, every spoonful of ice cream, every piece of bread…

“Seriously? You’re not overweight!” he retorted, his dark eyebrows pushing together.

“Compared to Kim, and Hannah, and, and, and everyone else I am!” you sobbed, trying to pull away from him to hide your shame.

Angrily he spun you around and cupped your cheeks to look into your eyes. His hands trembled slightly, the only betrayal of his weakened control. “Y/N. You are NOT overweight. You are HEALTHY. You’ve gained weight because when I met you, all you had in your fridge was a bag of salad and a carton of eggs. Do you know how happy I am to see you fill out? Do you know how much it made me nervous that you would forget to eat for a day? I look at you and I see someone who is happy and healthy now. Every inch of you is perfect.”

Startled at the raw emotion in his voice, you hiccuped. Paul’s eyes were serious and dark in above his russet cheekbones, but not without love. Tenderly he wiped away tears with his thumbs. “I love you for better or for worse, no matter what you look like, no matter how much you weigh or what size you are, no matter what you do with your hair or if you wear makeup or not, or if you wear nice clothes or sweats,” he whispered, pressing his lips to yours in the barest imitation of a kiss. He pulled away and smirked suddenly. “But luckily, you’re exactly my type, and I think you’re hot as fuck.”

You giggled at that, leaning into his touch. “So you don’t think I’m fat?”

Paul rolled his eyes and pressed his face into your neck, nipping delicately at the sensitive skin there. “No, you’re delectable,” he growled, pulling the two of you back onto the bed with you on top and slipping his hands under the ragged t shirt you wore to caress your back. “And tempting,” he kissed your collarbone. “And perfect,” he pressed his lips to the hollow of your throat. Planting hot kisses across your skin, he began to lift your shirt, his eagerness abruptly making itself known against your stomach.

“Thank you,” you whispered shyly, ducking your head against his shoulder. 

He growled softly and paused in his attempts to undress you. “For what?”

“For helping me remember my value, even when I struggle with it. I… haven’t always been good at remembering that my size shouldn’t matter.”

“I know, sweetheart,” he smoothed the hair over the back of your head. 

“What do you mean, ‘you know’?” you leaned back and frowned.

“Honey, I’ve seen photos of you from the time that you were with your ex, and you’ve mentioned he’d abused you. It’s not hard to make the leap,” he pushed himself up on his elbows and swallowed a shudder. “I swear to everything that is holy, if I see that fuckwad ever again I will rip his fucking teeth out one by one and make him eat them like candy.”

“Okay, well we’re not going to let that happen, for legal reasons,” you laughed and smacked his chest.

“Mm, well, you better hope he doesn’t show up again because I can’t make any promises,” Paul shrugged unremorsefully, but calmed enough to stroke his fingers down your bare thighs straddling his waist. “All I can do for now is make sure you know how loved you are, how smart and funny and strong you are, and remind you that I love every piece and part of you just the way you are.”

Your heart squeezed in your chest, suddenly overfull of adoration for this fierce, wise cracking, temper-losing, enormous giant of a man who had a tenderness to him that belied everything his friends and family knew about him. Looking down at him, all you saw was the love in his eyes, the truth in everything he said. Paul had fought hard and earned every bit of the trust you placed in him, trust you had always had difficulty in placing in another person. While you believed in the imprinting mechanics having seen it first hand, it had taken you months to trust Paul in spite of your supernatural bond. Now, for the first time, you felt yourself truly letting your guard down, having shared your last and most shameful weakness. And he loved you, despite that. “I love you so much,” you smiled shyly and bent to kiss him lightly.

“I love you more, honey,” he returned your smile before deepening the kiss into something smoldering and languorous. Paul kissed you like it was the first time, the last time, and every other time in between, worshipping every inch of your skin with his lips and hands until you were burning up with desire. No matter that you didn't have anything to wear to the bonfire, it was likely you wouldn’t make it there before dusk anyways...

[gustafsnightangel]

Shattered Lives Ch 31 Pt 2

The room erupted and Sildie was stunned, it was never supposed to be her. She looked at Gustaf and then Oliver.

“Sildie.” Gustaf’s quiet call of her name snapping her out of her shock. Everyone was on their feet as he stood and held out a hand to help her stand. “Breathe love, let the lawyer shine though.” He said quickly as he hugged her.

“Shit.” She breathed. “Fucking shit.” She muttered looking at him. Gustaf grinned as he heard the irritation in her voice. That tone of ’for fuck sake really?’ He watched his courtroom lawyer get a grip and knew she’d be fine until she sat down again.

She slammed the tears down, now was not the time to lose her shit. She took her award from Oliver, the weight of it in her hands oddly comforting.

“It’s not often you catch me without a legal pad full of notes for closing arguments but it seems Oliver has the upper hand tonight.” She smiled and the entire room laughed and took their seats. “And although I’m not one for skewing holes in defense counsel cases, I do tend to like roasting them over an open fire.”

Opposing counsel included Gustaf thought with a grin and glanced at Lucas remembering the day she wiped the floor with him.

She was going to have to dig deep and wing it. She focused on Gustaf, the calm in her storm. He subtly pointed at his heart and mouthed two words that made it easier. ’From here’, from her heart.

“I never considered myself a recipient when the Bar Association approached me to help create it. In all honesty, had Oliver told me I’d be receiving it I probably wouldn’t have turned up tonight.” She chuckled, the light chuckle from those in the audience that knew her made her smile. “My brother was a bright light. Full of life and love, an untapped soul of compassion that ran deep. Oliver had it right, he was ruthless in the courtroom as most of us can attest, but the one thing he would never waiver on was his humanity. We are all human he would say, and we all deserve respect and compassion, no matter our lot in life, no matter our station, no matter our past doings. Always innocent before proven guilty.” She looked at Gustaf to ground herself and took a breath. “Dana was my brothers better half.” She said sarcastically. “Literally.” She chuckled and the laughter rippled. “Dana was an old soul, her kindness unfathomable, her compassion for families, especially children, incredibly strong. Her mission in life was to mend as many families as possible, to help them reconcile or resolve their differences with as little disruption to the children’s lives as she could accomplish.” She looked at Gustaf his gaze hadn’t left hers, his love giving her the strength she needed. “The loss of two beautiful souls has left its mark on us all. The void they left behind can never be filled. I miss them.” She said simply. “I miss their laughter, their strength, their compassion, their counsel. But most of all I miss what they gave to the world, what they gave to their children, honesty, commitment, respect, love.” She choked on the last word and the room was silent. She had almost lost it.

“I’m honored to have been chosen to receive this prestigious award. I only hope I can continue to be worthy of it, to strive to be a better attorney, a better person. Thank you.”

As the room erupted in applause again she stepped away and sat back down as Oliver continued with the program.

“Breathe love.” He murmured. “Breathe and relax, it’s done.” He rested his arm along the back of the chair again and held her other hand in his lap, his thumb caressing the inside of her wrist, her hands were shaking violently.

She was a wreck on the inside, that hot prickle under her skin trying to gain the upper hand, on the outside the lawyer reigned supreme. Gustaf kissed her temple and stayed close, grounding her, making sure she knew she was safe, that she was loved. Oliver finished up and the band started, classic jazz and Christmas carols.

“Your boss has great taste in music.” He chuckled. “Come dance with me love.” He said gently. He didn’t want to push or rush her, but he wanted to get her alone, hold her close, and have her anxiety drop to a more manageable level.

“Sure.” She breathed, that tell tale wheeze starting to make its way out as she forced in oxygen. He helped her stand.

“Sildie?” Gustaf and Sildie turned to Lucas, hand in hand with his date.

“Not now.” Gustaf said flatly. He turned his back on them, using himself as a shield, and led her to the dance floor, pulling her in close. “I’m sorry, that was rude, but you need a moment to collect yourself.” He said gruffly.

“Thank you.” She sighed, and rested her head against his and closed her eyes. “I can’t deal with him yet, with anyone.” She’d never been more grateful to have him close to her, than right at this moment.

“That’s it love, relax. I’ve got you.” He murmured and danced her around the room, the movement and closeness leveling out her breathing. Occupying her mind with steps so she didn’t crush Gustaf’s toes helped. After the third song he felt her body yield, felt the calm settle over her again.

“I’m proud of you.” He said gently. “So very proud of you.” He kissed her temple, the slower song allowing them to dance cheek to cheek.

“I never wanted that damn award.” She chuckled. “It seemed a little silly for them to give it to me seeing as though I helped create it.”

“I don’t mean about that, though it’s very fitting and well deserved.” He said honestly. “I’m proud of you for coming here tonight, for saying what you needed to say to honor your brother. For being so damn strong. You’re incredible Sildie, don’t let anyone tell you different.” He kissed her, that slow loving kiss that blanked her mind. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She kissed him. “And thanks. I don’t think I would have made it through without you.”

“Together love, you and me. I think we make a pretty good team.” His smile was the one that made those crows feet at his eyes crinkle. She brushed her thumb over it.

“I’m so in love with you.” She kissed him, slow and sinful not giving a flying fuck who saw them. He loved her, why should she hide it? They were going to stare at them anyway.

“When would be a respectable time to leave so I can peel you out of this stunning dress and do wicked things to you?” He growled as he spun them, wondering if they could get back to the table to collect their things and disappear before Lucas caught up with her.

“A few more songs, I like this.” She said softly. “Being in your arms.” Her smile widening into a laugh as he dipped her.

“Fuck me you’re beautiful.” He murmured at her ear as he danced with her. “We can stay for however long you want, it’s all you love.” He wouldn’t let his ex get in the way of her happiness and right now this was making her happy, he’d deal with the other shit later.

His mind chewed over it as he danced. Hadn’t he spent enough time letting that bitch worm her way under his skin? Hadn’t he just spent months purging her from his life, his soul, his apartment? If you have then why the fuck are you letting her get under your skin now, that annoying voice in his head quipped. Don’t give her what she wants, that voice shouted, don’t let her see how much it hurts you, it’s what she wants, she wants a reaction. You promised Sildie to fight for her, for your relationship with her, well pony up. Don’t let Ana get between what you have with Sildie, again. He had to admit, that nagging little voice in his head had a point.

True to his word at the beginning of the evening, he danced for most of the night with her, keeping the rest of the room at bay. The music had slowed, her feet were starting to hurt but she was happy and relieved it was done. As the last song of the night started he kissed her, seductive, longing. As it ended he dipped her low and planted a kiss at the base of her throat, that peal of laughter making him smile.

Once upright they walked to the table and said their goodbyes. It looked as though Lucas had long since gone. Good, Gustaf thought, as he took a relieved breath. She didn’t need his crap tonight.

“Hang here I’ll get our coats.” He said softly and kissed her neck as she continued to talk with Elsa and Oliver. Her gentle squeeze of his hand telling him she was ok.

“Sildie, finally.” Lucas said with a smile as he brought his date over, he looked happy, happier than she’d seen him in ages. “I thought you’d never stop dancing.” He grinned.

“Hello Lucas.” Her tone cordial. She would not embarrass herself or the firm by making a scene. She would keep it all business. “It was good music.” She shrugged with a smile, trying to keep it light.

“I wanted to introduce you.” He said pointing at the blond by his side.

Then it clicked as she studied the woman up close, it was the smug smirk, the same one in the photo, the photo he burned along with the notebook. Oh fucking fuck, she thought, here we go, shit was about to get real.

“This is...”

“Ana.” She said keeping her voice even, plastering a polite knowing smile across her face. She would not play into their sick game, whatever the hell it was, and she would not jump to conclusions. There was something not quite right here, she could smell it.

“You two know each other?” Lucas looked at Ana, then Sildie, and she saw the genuine confusion on his face.

Ana hadn’t told him, interesting, she thought. What else hadn’t she told him, what else had she twisted around to paint Gustaf in an ugly light?

“Mutual friend.” Sildie said locking eyes with the woman that had caused her sweet man so much grief, so much pain. “Never had the pleasure of actually meeting in person.” Her tight smile fixed on her face as she saw the panic in Ana’s, the woman had visibly paled.

Yes, Sildie thought, you’re terrified I’m going to link you and Gustaf and your entire little facade with Lucas is going to crumble right before your eyes.

“Oh.” Lucas said a little surprised. “Mutual friend of mine or yours?” Lucas smiled, still clueless.

Sildie weighed her options and kept her eyes fixed on Ana. She saw the silent plea in the woman’s eyes for her not to voice that connection. No, Sildie thought, no you don’t get to play Lucas like this. He maybe an asshole sometimes but deep down he’s a good guy and doesn’t deserve the same fate as Gustaf at your hands.

“My mutual friend actually, Gustaf.” She said gently and looked at Lucas. The poor guy looked as if he’d been slapped in the face with a speeding freight train. He looked to Ana with bewilderment, those eyes searching for an explanation, and Sildie prepared herself for the cluster fuck that was about to unfold. The guy had to know what he was getting into with Ana. Oh the irony, she thought bitterly.

“They were together for a few years and split last year I believe.” She said simply. She didn’t want to drag out Gustaf’s dirty laundry and shove it in Lucas’s face but she’d give him the cliff notes if pushed.

“Oh, you exaggerate, it was nothing more than a quick fling.” Ana passed off nonchalantly, that saccharine sweet tone grating on Sildie’s every nerve, her glare death incarnate.

“No.” Sildie said calmly, she knew the game Ana was playing and wouldn’t partake. “No exaggeration. You dated him for three years.” The facts, facts and truth always triumphed over lies and deceit.

“You’re mistaken.” Ana growled between clenched teeth.

“No, I’m not mistaken about anything, Ana. I’m well aware of who and what you are.” She said calmly, poor Lucas was hanging on every word out of Sildie’s mouth. They’d known each other for a long time, almost 25 years. Lucas knew she didn’t bullshit or exaggerate anything, in or out of the courtroom. “The lies, the deceit, the pain you caused his sister, his brother, the phantom miscarriage, your own drug use, and the attempt at destroying his sobriety and his career.” She continued as she saw the realization hit home for Lucas, his eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. “Yes, I know exactly who and what you are, Ana.” She said evenly and then looked at Lucas. “Is she the reason you think he’s no good for me?” She asked gently, the guy looked ready to crumble. Or is it because you’re jealous and still in love with me, she thought?

“He’ll cheat on you. Keep things from you.”Ana said coldly and all Sildie could do was smile as she started to play the victim of an unhappy relationship, each word from her lips embellished to suit the situation and her own twisted version of the truth. “He’s screws around when he’s on set. He’ll be done with you at some point and move on to the next just like he did with me. He’s a drunk and an addict.”

“He’s a former addict, and his sobriety is still intact, regardless of your attempts to alter the fact.” Sildie snapped, her courtroom lawyer mode well and truly engaged, she would defend her man. Gustaf had given her no reason to doubt his sobriety or his former drug use, he’d been open and honest with her about it right from the beginning.

“You haven’t answered my question Lucas.” She stated, her tone equally abrupt, her eyes still on Ana.

“He’s not good for you.” Lucas choked, his world was falling down around his ears.

“That’s still not answering the question. Is she the reason?” She asked pointing at Ana. He looked at her blankly, not sure who to believe or what to say.

“So you’ll take her word over the truth? That’s not like you Lucas.” She shook her head, she couldn’t believe it. Was he going to throw away everything he believed in over this vindictive, conniving bitch? It wasn’t easy to fool Lucas, there was a reason her brother got along so well with him, both were ruthless in the courtroom, facts and truth, always. “You know when you’re being fed bullshit. Open your eyes Lucas she’s playing you, just like she played Gustaf.”

Gustaf came back to find her in a heated conversation with Lucas, Ana at his side, that smug smirk on her face. He calmed the sudden urge to walk up and wipe that smirk off her face with his fist. “That won’t solve anything.” He muttered under his breath. “Although it would feel really good for the few seconds, right before you landed your ass in jail.” He sighed to himself.

Sildie’s body language alone told him she was well beyond pissed. “Just fucking perfect.” He muttered and his long strides ate up the floor as he surged toward her.

She saw him approach and knew she had maybe five seconds to step between both men before Gustaf lost his shit, she knew that look, lethal fury. She shook her head subtly, he had no clue what was going on or what he was walking into the middle of, and she would protect him at all costs.

He saw her shake her head and slowed, he’d promised to let her handle Lucas. That of course had changed once Ana became involved, but he gave her the floor. As he got closer he could hear their conversation, content to stay far enough behind Lucas to hear what was going on and close enough to kick his ass if necessary. He wasn’t blind drunk but he was under the influence.

“He’s not right for you.” He snapped again. “Or for the kids. Your brother...”

“For the record, in case you didn’t hear me the first time we discussed this, my relationship with Gustaf is none of your god damn business, that stipulation hasn’t changed. And you are not my brother so stop trying to assume the role.” Her tone flat. She locked eyes with him. “And pay attention because this is the absolute last time I tell you. Don’t you fucking dare bring the kids into this.” She snarled. “They are not, nor will they ever be your concern.”

Lucas blanched at her tone, he’d stepped over a line and he knew it. Even Gustaf took a small step toward them hearing that tone, wondering if he was going to have to restrain Sildie. Never bring the kids into it idiot, that was just asking for it. You may as well declare open fucking season on your ass.

“Let me make it perfectly clear to you. I don’t love you Lucas, I never have. That’s not ever going to change despite what you tell me regarding Gustaf and you need to find peace with it.” She was ready to unleash if he kept pushing her. “You need to move on.”

“It is my business when he’s deceiving you.” He seethed and she could see the pain in his eyes, she’d seen it mirrored in Gustaf’s.

“He’s deceiving me? I think you need to look a little closer to home.” She said glaring at Ana. Gustaf frowned, what the fuck did she mean by that?

“He’s an addict Sildie.” Lucas spat.

“Form...”

“I’m a former addict.” Gustaf said flatly cutting her off as he stepped to Sildie’s side. Taking her hand in his, he placed himself solidly between her and Lucas. Enough he thought, she’s taken enough shit from this guy. “And my sobriety is none of your damn business.” He added, his tone dangerous.

“Hello lover.” Ana smirked.

Gustaf, to his credit just glared at her, didn’t even utter her name. He wanted to, he wanted to rage at her for being anywhere near Sildie, but held his tongue. She wasn’t worth the effort, she wasn’t worth Sildie, because that’s the price he’d pay if he retaliated.

“Lov...” Lucas choked, looking at Ana eyes disbelieving. Her quip had been to her own detriment, confirmation that sent the poor guy into a tailspin. Sildie watched something inside Lucas snap.

“You asshole.” Lucas looked from Gustaf to Ana. “He’s the one that...” Ana played him like a fiddle and nodded, her face that of the wounded girlfriend. He looked back to Gustaf.

“So you finished fucking her up and moved on to the next one. I won’t stand by and watch you do the same to Sildie? No fucking way.” Lucas spat, suddenly turning on Gustaf drilling a finger into his chest as if this was somehow all his fault.

“Lucas!” Sildie snapped harshly, her tone telling him to get a grip as he looked at her. Ice cold fury nothing short of murderous looked back, she was beyond livid. Ana was playing him and there was nothing she could do to make him see sense.

Gustaf looked down at the finger still pressed against his chest. “You’re going to want to remove that finger before I do, permanently.” His tone was dangerously calm. Gustaf had a few inches on the guy and pounded a bag regularly, he wasn’t opposed to the idea of kicking his ass into next week. Lucas was one step away of finding out Gustaf’s absolute threshold for bullshit and invasion of his personal space. Gustaf knew the guys head was conflicted, scrambled by whatever this conversation had dragged to the surface kicking and screaming, he was also half full of alcohol, which was why he kept as calm as he did.

“You don’t deserve her, she deserves better. Not some fucking junkie who goes screwing everything in his path.” He snarled again and pushed that finger in a little harder before removing it. It wasn’t the worst Gustaf had been accused of. Sildie knew what he was before they met and Gustaf knew what he’d lose if he ever relapsed. She also knew the truth. Gustaf saw the heart wrenching pain in his eyes, the guy had just had his world turned upside down and shaken violently, he knew that feeling well.

“What Sildie deserves Lucas, is to be respected enough to make her own decisions, her own choices.” He said calmly, cutting Sildie off before she could unleash. He held out her coat so she could slip her arms in. He needed to get them out of here before he did something he’d regret and Sildie decided to redecorate the floor in crimson.

“An observation? A word of advice? You can do better.” He said nodding his chin toward Ana, the bitch just smiled that smug smile as if this was exactly what she’d planned. “You’re a good man Lucas, she doesn’t deserve you.” His tone had Lucas snapping his eyes to his and Gustaf let him see it, the grief that bitch had caused him, he let Lucas see it all.

“Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have children to get home to and a babysitter to relieve.” He didn’t give Lucas or Ana an opportunity to respond, Sildie snatched her bag up and left.

There was more to this conversation he hadn’t heard and wouldn’t give Ana the satisfaction of being part of her game any longer than he already had been. They’d been pawns in her sick little charade with Lucas and he felt for the guy. He kept his body between Lucas and Sildie and steered her toward the door.

“I’m sorry.” He said softly as he turned the key in the ignition. “I know you said you’d handle it, but my sobriety is no ones business but ours and I do not expect you to have to fight or stand up for me, ever.” He spat, he was furious. Not at Sildie but at the entire fucking situation. “Especially when Ana is pulling the fucking strings.”

“I’m sorry that you had to.” She said quietly. “I’m sorry she was there, I didn’t know.” She took a calming breath as he pulled away from the hotel lobby, she was almost in tears. It wasn’t the confrontation, or the fact Ana had been there, it was what it would do to Gustaf, what it was already doing to him. She knew this could spiral him and he’d come too far to let it claim him again so soon.

“Hey.” He took her hand and kissed her knuckles as he drove them home. “I had a great night, I’m not going to let that confrontation ruin it. You know my history, the shit with Ana, you know of my sobriety, staying clean, that’s all that matters to me love.” He was not going to let Ana in, she was just a name and he was past all that, he had to be.

“But you shouldn’t have to defend your sobriety to anyone either.” She wasn’t sure if she wanted to cry or seethe. “It’s none of their damn business.” She picked at her dress suddenly wishing she’d never gone tonight.

“No it’s not, but I’ll defend it, especially when it’s being thrown in your face or used as a manipulative tool. We know the truth, that’s all that matters to me love.” He kissed her fingers and held them there. He’d keep reassuring her, himself. He wouldn’t let this get to the point it did last time.

“Did you know it was her when Lucas sat down?” She asked and then snorted a chuckle at how absurd her question sounded. “Of course you knew you’re not fucking blind.” She muttered. She felt stupid she had been so caught up in her own head she hadn’t picked up on his emotional swing.

“I knew.” He said quietly, kissing her fingers as he pulled up at a stop light.

“Why didn’t you say something?” Her tone injured.

“Sildie, you had enough going on tonight and you needed me to help get you through, you were my focus, and to be honest she’s just a name.” He kissed her fingers again as the light turned green. “Sure I was shocked to begin with. But then saw it for what it was, nothing but manipulation and vindictiveness. I don’t know what his motives were. To maybe get me to take a swing, shove some proof in your face to show you that I’m the asshole he was trying to make me out to be. I don’t know. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell you, I just knew it would have sent you spiraling and you didn’t need a panic attack on top of everything else tonight. I didn’t want to turn it into a big deal.”

“He didn’t know.” She said softly.

“What do you mean?”

“He didn’t know about the connection until I told him.” She sighed. Squeezing his hand she gave him the recount of the conversation before he’d been close enough to overhear it.

“Well shit.” He blew out a breath. “Now I feel like the asshole.” His huff making her smile. “I thought he already knew until I saw his reaction, I wondered how authentic it was.”

“Authentic as it gets, and I’m sorry I had to drag it all up and tell him, but he needed to know what she is. Lucas is a good guy, he doesn’t deserve to be fucked over by her.” She felt like she’d betrayed him, his pain, his grief, airing his dirty laundry for all to see. “It wasn’t my story to tell and I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok love, I’m glad you told him. Asshole or not he doesn’t deserve what she’ll do to him.” He murmured as he pulled into the garage. “Already has done to him.”

“My only fucking regret is I wasn’t there to see her face when you slapped her with the hard truth. It gives me such a petty satisfaction that it sort of blew up in her face.”

He pulled up next to the minivan and turned the key, the car falling silent.

“Look at me.” He said gently, his fingers stroking her jaw asking, pleading. “I let her get between us once.” He started when her gaze locked with his. “I’m not letting it happen a second time.” He leaned across the center console and kissed her sweetly. “Did it piss me off? Sure it did, but there’s no point in me getting worked up over it and dragging it back into our life, back between what we have together.” He kissed her, lingering to nip her bottom lip. “I’m so in love with you.” He murmured, kissing her deeply.

“I love you too.”

He helped her out of the car, pressing her against it gently.

“Let it be done. Put it in the blip column for the evening.” He shrugged. She breathed out and looked at him.

“You’re really ok?” She asked gently, her finger trailing his scruff.

“I’m just fine love. I was more concerned for you.” He kissed her tenderly. “Still am. I never wanted her or any part of her to touch you.” He wasn’t just talking physically.

“She gets off on it, the pure satisfaction of playing with people’s emotions, their lives.” She said disgustedly, it made her feel ill.

“And she was high.” Gustaf murmured softly, kissing her brow.

“I wondered, but couldn’t be sure.” She watched him carefully, she was devastated Ana had been shoved in his face.

“Does or has Lucas used? Apart from alcohol?” He asked carefully.

“Not that I know of. And it’s none of my business.” She shook her head. She couldn’t go poking into his life when she’d unequivocally told him to butt out of her own.

“No, not our business, but just be careful when you’re around him.” He kissed her temple and lingered. “Especially if he continues to be with Ana. She’s a junkie Sildie, she’s into the heavy shit, or at least she was. She’ll try to bring him down with her to her level.” She nodded and his kiss was tender. “Just be careful.”

“Always love.”

“Now.” He breathed out. “Can we get back to the wonderful evening we were having? Where we’re were dancing and kissing? I remember lots of kissing.” He murmured and kissed her temple, lingering to breathe her in. “Let it be done.” His sigh shuddered as he let it all go. He didn’t want to take it any of it upstairs until he could get alone with the bag. He had some shit to deal with but it wasn’t as all consuming as before, he needed to get it right in his head.

“It has been a wonderful night.” She said softly. “And yes, let it be done. You’re right, we can’t let her get between us again.” She looked at those Viking blue eyes. “Can we go to our room?” Her voice sultry as she ran a blood red nail across his bottom lip. “I don’t think there’s been enough kissing.”

“We can.” He growled and devoured her mouth. “Come with me kitten.” He took her hand and led her to the elevator, his hands diving under her coat as soon as the elevator doors closed. He needed to feel that body he’d itched to touch all night.

***********

@hausofobsession @ill-skillsgard @grandpa-sweaters @authentic90skidd @tuckersgirl @fairlyfallacy @flowers-in-your-hayr @raewritesfiction @stinkerbelle007 @kamie-b @mrsaugustwalker @skrsgardspam @loliwrites @trippedmetaldetector @lihikainanea

[despressolattes]

CONSEQUENCES | CHAPTER NINE | LEGACIES/THE ORIGINALS

BOOK THREE IN THE SIDE CHARACTER/LILAH SERIES

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─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

She looked at herself in the mirror, touching the necklace dangling upon her neck. The pendant was rather large and in a noticeable and recognizable shape. The gem in the middle was made of obsidian with specks of lapis lazuli, and it glowed a light blue when it with light. She had it for as long as she could remember, Dahlia spelling it so she could walk in the sunlight when she finally came out of the cave she was desiccated in.

She only found out that the necklace had protective properties like that when she tried to take it off in public, wanting to conceal it as she walked through a village in the 1500s.

It was the only thing she had that made her her, and she didn't want to lose it somehow or get it taken. The minute the clasp was off and she moved the necklace, her skin began to burn, boil, and turn red. She put it on, wondering why it hadn't done that when she took it off while she slept. When she tried to take it off again within a building, she realized that it protected her against the sun.

All of her vampire ways she had to learn on her own.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ─── 1500s

Lilah stood slowly, confused and frightened. Her last memories flooded her mind, the spell Dahlia had performed, being stabbed in the stomach with a sword. She frantically grabbed at her stomach, but only dust fell to the ground. There was no wound, but she was dirty. Her white dressed was covered in black dirt and dust, which drifted off of her body as she moved.

There was, however, blood on the collar of her dress. She looked down on the floor, a trail of blood. Instinctively, she raised a hand to her lips, feeling the thick liquid. She took a step back, terrified of what was going on, but couldn't find a person or a body anywhere.

She slowly made her way to the cave's mouth, following the light to the outside. She looked around, noticing that her world looked unfamiliar to her. The village she had lived in was good as gone, no one living there anymore. She wondered what had happened to the settlement that her mother and father had been from, the one she had traveled so far from with Dahlia and Freya, separated. Freya had already been an adult by the time that little Lilah joined them, but the two of them were never allowed to form a bond.

All Lilah could remember about where she was, was that she was in Europe somewhere.

She had learned about control, about vampirism, about survival, all by herself. It took her a few months to even realize that she had been asleep for five hundred years. It shook her to the core, but she wondered if that meant Freya had survived like she had.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ─── 1600s

She began to be a bit reckless with her actions and her feedings as she went along. She learned she was somewhere in France where she took up the surname Desmarais, not that she really cared. She wandered around with her veins black and lips bloodied, uncaring since she tended to kill whoever was around.

In the cave she had been in where the journals that Esther made Dahlia give to Lilah. Stories of her mother and her father, Lorelle's journals. She became accustomed to village life, realizing she was in Ireland. She was able to acquaint herself with the times.

She relished in her new abilities, she was fast, strong, able to make people do as she pleased. She missed her magic, however, but decided that it was fine that she couldn't practice her craft any longer if it meant it was in exchanged for her freedom.

She tried to look for Freya for a bit. She asked about Freya Mikaelson, knowing of the immortality sleeping spell Dahlia had in plan for them, but no one knew who she was, but would ask if she was related to the Lord Mikaelsons, nobelmen who lived in Denmark with their sister Rebekah.

It was then that she realized her father and his siblings were still alive, whether by magic or by the curse she found herself under, they were alive. Soon, she'd hear others, those apart of her special community, talk about the violence and the running. The whispers in the wind she'd hear about the Mikaelson family was all she needed to become discouraged about knowing them.

She was on a blood binge when someone grabbed her, bringing her into an alley, pinning her against a wall.

"Are you trying to expose everyone?"

A girl stood in front of her in a beautiful gown that matched her flawless face. She had curly brown hair, voluminous. If there was a flaw on her, Lilah couldn't find it. She has a peculiar accent, definitely not native to France.

The girl looked at her suspiciously, before stating, "You're the Desmarais girl everyone talks about in the village."

"People talk about me?" Lilah asked.

"Yes, the young men talk about how you are beautiful and single, the young women talk about how you are kind and poised," the girl replied, before adding, "The witches talk about how you are dangerous and the vampires talk about how you ask too many questions about the Old Ones."

"About the who?" Lilah questioned.

"The Original vampire family," the mysterious girl replied. "The Mikaelsons."

"And what do you know of them?" Lilah questioned, looking at the girl suspiciously.

"I know that Niklaus and Elijah are evil."

Lilah's face perked up at Elijah's name.

"I know that they will do whatever it takes, no matter who gets hurt, for their own personal gain," she added, looking down with sadness. "I know they will kill when they are wronged."

"Is that not with all vampires do?"

"Not all have to," she replied.

"You're lucky I couldn't care less about those Mikaelsons. I'm merely looking for someone named Freya, not this Klaus and Elijah you speak of."

The girl let go of her.

"You must be careful with your actions before you expose us all and get us killed," she said, letting go of Lilah.

"We're vampires, we cannot die," Lilah said.

"They can still stake us, they can take away our daylight rings and throw us into the sun," the girl said as she began to walk away.

It was because of her that Lilah started to realize she wasn't like the other vampires. She had been staked before, while irritating the wrong person in a different town, and she had walked outside without her necklace before. She had survived both occurrences.

"What is your name?" Lilah asked her.

She turned around and smiled, "Katerina. I like your necklace."

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"You're crazy, you know that?"

Josh was standing at her door, leaning against her doorframe while she looked at herself in the mirror. She turned around to look at him, sending him a smile.

"It's in my blood," she shrugged, though Josh didn't know the weight of her words.

"Roman Sienna, huh?" Josh cringed, walking into her room and sitting onto her bed. "Of course you of all people, after you start to let a guy in, you get totally lied to and betrayed. Maybe it's karma for all the good guys you turned down all these years."

His teasing manner didn't go unnoticed, and Lilah picked up one of her makeup brushes from the top of her dresser, throwing it at the Rosza boy.

"Shut the fuck up," she laughed at him, going to sit next to him. She leaned her head onto his arm, wrapping both of her arms around his. "I'm still not convinced he's a bad guy."

"You keep saying that, but why do you think that?" Josh asked her. "You used to be the most suspicious of us all, never letting anyone, even us, in. And now you're rescuing the son of the woman who killed Hayley."

"I can't explain it," Lilah replied. "It's like... It's this feeling of familiar when I'm with him, like this isn't the first time I've met him."

"Maybe he has something to do with Picture Girl," Josh said.

Lilah gave him a stern look. "You think everything has to do with that girl in the photos."

"I wouldn't be surprised if everything happening right now has everything to do with that girl," Josh admitted.

Lilah huffed, standing up and holding out a hand for Josh. "Let's go gauge the damage I've caused, shall we?" she asked.

He took her hand, letting her pull him to his feet.

"You can gauge the damage you've caused, I've got a bar to run. We still have no applicants to come work with us."

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Lilah walked into the Abattoir—The Mikaelson compound—rather awkwardly. She went into the family room to see Freya, Keelin, and Nik, feeling relieved that she was the one she found. Her and Freya's bond had always been strong, partly because of how Lilah had childhood memories of the witch.

Nik was fast asleep in Freya's arms. Keelin looked between Lilah and Freya, nodding to her wife as she picked up their son and walked out. She smiled at Lilah in passing, and Lilah sat down next to Freya.

"You were like a Vampire Peggy Carter," joked Freya, her soothing and raspy voice calming Lilah's nerves as they both had their feet on the couch, facing one another. "The last time I saw you that protective over a guy, it was Elijah."

Lilah chuckled at the analogy.

"Has Josh called Roman 'Vampire Captain America' in front of you before? Is that where the Peggy Carter jokes are coming from?"

Lilah was glad that the air around her and Freya was light.

"You know, Lilah," Freya started, scooting closer to the girl. "Even though I met you when you were already a vampire, and you lived a lot of years on your own, and you did the growing up part all on your own... Whenever I see you, I see the daughter I didn't get to raise."

Lilah smiled, Freya brushing a hair out of Lilah's face.

"You came to this family as someone who looked like a little girl, trying her best to be an adult vampire in a big, bad scary world. And I know I can't take credit for the wonderful person you ended up being despite all the bad, but I like to think you're one of the things this family got right," Freya continued. "We all had our own lives taken from us, and this family hasn't done the best things, or even the right things at times, but taking you in makes me feel how I can only imagine Klaus felt taking in Marcel."

Lilah smiles at her words, trying her hardest not to be emotional.

"So, I trust you and your instincts. I know you're the most cautious out of all of us. Do you trust him?"

"There's a voice in my head telling me to," she said, repeating what she kept using as her justification for coming to Roman's rescue.

Footsteps could be heard, and they both glanced towards the sound to see Rebekah approaching.

"I see we let the traitor back into our home," Rebekah said, bringing her glass of alcohol to her mouth.

Lilah and Freya gave her a look, but Rebekah held her ground.

"What? She helped Hayley's killer's son escape from the Garden after he lied to her for a over a week about who he was," Rebekah said with her normal amount of dramatic, taking another sip of her alcohol, the ice clinging in her glass. "Lils, your taste in men is almost as horrible as mine was. Nik would've thrown Roman off the balcony by now, so don't be too upset that I merely threw him into a little prison underneath our home. Be glad I didn't board him up behind bricks and attempt to desiccate him."

With that, Rebekah smiled and walked away, back upstairs to her room.

Lilah and Freya looked at one another and couldn't help but laugh over what Rebekah had just said, in light of it all. It almost sounded like they were psychotic, but maybe they were. Maybe being crazy just ran in the family.

"So, what exactly happened? How did you guys figure him out?" Lilah asked.

"Rebekah loves herself a good gossip, and you wouldn't bring Roman around for her to meet. So she called that school he said he works for, the one that Nik sent Caroline a check for, and asked about Roman Bauer. But Caroline said that a Roman Bauer didn't work for them, a Roman Sienna does. Then Rebekah connected the dots back to the boy she saw around town during the time Hayley passed away. Then a simple locator spell on my part, and we knew where to find him," Freya explained.

Lilah nodded, chuckling softly at how nosey Rebekah could be.

"Part of it was for Hayley, and the other part was for you," Freya added.

"For me?" Lilah asked.

"He lied to you about his identity, so yeah, we were pissed off about what his mom did, and for what he was doing to you."

Lilah remained quiet. She was lying about her identity, too.

"Rebekah will come around," Freya promised her, wrapping an arm around Lilah. "I swear to you."

"Where's Lorelle?" Lilah asked. "Any updates on that front?"

Freya sat up straight, shrugging as she said, "She's been holed up in her room, seems to be a bit moody. Doesn't want to eat with us, barely talks to us. Still no leads on the White Oak coven, and I'm honestly not too sure how much we should trust her. But as someone who once had to earn the trust of my own siblings, I'm wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt that she's not here to stir up trouble."

"What about the pictures of that girl? I still have no idea who she is."

Lilah hadn't told anyone of the flashes she would see. Distorted voices and fuzzy scenes that felt like repressed memories, the feeling of deja vu she had when she was with Roman, as if she had already lived through it once before.

"It's like we should know her, but we don't," Freya nodded, but then she shook her head. "But I haven't been able to figure that out, either."

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Lilah walked upstairs of the compound, going to the room that Lorelle was staying in. She knocked, hearing her mother say, "I'm not hungry, Freya."

She entered the room anyways, pausing when she saw Lorelle sprawled out on the floor with endless grimoires open, like she was researching.

"L-Lilah Rae," she sputtered out, her eyes going wide as she stood up. "I wasn't expecting to see you."

"What're you doing?" Lilah asked her, sitting down on the floor and bringing one of the grimoires towards her.

"Well, I have magic, but I never really studied it," Lorelle explained, sitting down next to her. "So, I'm trying now."

After a moment of silence, she said, "You know, perhaps we should talk about—"

Lilah raised a finger to her lips, shushing her and then pointing to her ears, then swirling her finger in a circle to motion that the others could hear them.

"Not here," Lilah told her.

She looked at the grimoires on the floor, a ring amongst them, attached to a chain. She picked it up, looking on the inside to see engraving. The words "E. Mikaelson." Lilah's eyes involuntarily closed again, another fuzzy image in her head, the eerie feeling of deja vu once again crawling up her spine in the form of goosebumps.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

She was sitting in the passenger seat of her car, her emotions felt like they were all over the place. She found herself on the road to Mystic Falls, glancing down at the ring that was dangling from her neck. That same ring. She felt angry, but the anger slipped away to be replaced with grief and disappointment.

One thought was in her mind, "But I wasn't mad at her anymore, just disappointed she was here, and he wasn't."

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Lilah let go of the ring as she opened her eyes, tears falling down her face, watching as it fell back down onto the grimoire. She couldn't understand why she kept on having flashes of images and moments that she didn't remember herself. It was almost driving her crazy. She had one when she gave Roman clothes, when she picked up his bear, and now when she held onto her father's ring.

"Are you alright?" Lorelle asked Lilah, reaching forward and wiping her face.

"I'm fine," Lilah jerked away from her, wiping her face on her head. "I'm sorry, I-I have to go."

"Lilah, please don't—" Lorelle pleaded as Lilah stood up frantically. She copied her daughter, trying to step closer to her, but Lilah just pushed her arms away, using her vampire speed to run out of the room and the compound.

She got to her car, finding herself yet again trying to catch her breath. She was confused as to where this mental breakdown was coming from, but she felt it coming on since she got back from Mystic Falls. She felt off, like she was there but she wasn't fully there. Her mind was trying to make sense of everything in front of her, and while it was all normal, it just didn't feel right to her. Like it was all fake, like she was trying to wake up from a dream.

She didn't drive to her apartment, it just didn't feel right. She parked in front of Roman's apartment complex, wondering when she became the type to seek comfort from a guy. She wondered if she'd keep having those flashes of moments if she was around him more, since two out of three of them occurred with him. She wondered if he was the distorted voice and the fuzzy figure from her first flashback, when she had been giving Roman clothes to sleep in.

She knocked on the door, and the confused curly haired blond was practically tackled in a hug when he opened it.

"Desmarais?" he questioned, taking a few steps back to steady the two. "What's going on?"

She reached her hands up to his hair, running her fingers through his locks, closing her eyes, praying that something would come to her.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

She stood in front of him, watching as he looked up at her. He was still fuzzy, but Lilah was almost sure that the figure in front of her had to be him. She leaned down, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, engulfing him in a hug. One of her hands found his hair, softling running her fingers through his curls.

"What're you doing?" a distorted voice asked, his voice small.

"I'm a hugger," she replied. "And that is the fact you get to learn about me today."

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"I'm a hugger," she said softly, before saying louder and more confidently, "I'm a hugger!"

"You're a hugger?" replied Roman with the same volume, but ending the sentence to make it sound like a question.

Lilah let go of him, placing her hands on his shoulders as she backed away. She stared at him in awe and said, "I think you're the key to why I woke up outside of Mystic Falls."

Roman's eyebrows raised at her words, turning his head to the side in confusion. She just smiled though, feeling like she was making a break through with this mystery hole in her life.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

CHAPTER TEN

TAGS!

@akshi8278

DISCUSSION BOARD!!

· we're at 1k! despite SIDE CHARACTER reaching over 136k reads, every milestone still feels just as exciting as they did the first time i reached them. hopefully book 3 can see the same success as book 1.

· we get to see her friendship with katherine, which i have talked at before. how do we feel? Do we want to see more of Katerina and Lilah's friendship?

· we also see more freya lilah bond, as well as her with Rebekah. everyone's opinions on them?

· what do you guys think it means that lilah only gets fuzzy memories back when she touches things or does things that have connections to either her and elijah or her and roman?

· a lot happens in this chapter. thoughts? now that lilah has sort of figured out that roman is a trigger to some of her memories—though she'll soon realize he won't be the one to trigger her memories of Picture Girl—what do you think will happen?

· writing this chapter was so fun because i almost never touch on lilah's past. sure, we hear about chicago and stefan sometimes—though i've heard that a lot of people want me to write a 1920s lilah&stefan book. might just do lots of flashbacks in this book or in book four, which might be a lilah in tvd alternate universe type thing. and yes, this is me unwilling to just create a new OC to get attached to when I and a lot of other readers already love lilah.

· writing lilah's 1000s and 1500s past is fun because in side character, i always talked about it and never really went into full detail. and i've been writing lilah's character for two years now, and i think while she is a part of my imagination, she's really grown into her own being inside of my head to the point where things just seem right. it's not me just pulling things out of thin air, they feel right.

[thaisibir]

La Vie en Rose (Bede and young!Opal time travel fic)

La Vie en Rose (Life in Pink)     Rating: T (for character deaths and language)     Chapter 8/10 - Searching For Pink (length: ~7k words)     Summary: Bede doesn’t get why that loony old bat Opal wants him to be the next Fairy-type Gym Leader. To help him understand, Opal has Celebi take Bede back to the time of her youth.

(For other chapters, look up the tag “pokemon la vie en rose” or go to my profile)

When Opal returned to Ballonlea Town to bury Roger and Jasper, she didn’t take time off from her Gym Leader responsibilities or close the theatre. She kept both open, showed up promptly as she always did, and carried on as if she didn’t carry the weight of grief on her shoulders.

Bede knew, however, that her facade fell apart every time she stepped foot inside her house. Her smooth brow and stiff upper lip would crumple, then her Pokemon would run up to her so she could hold on to them for support.

“The hardest part of the day is coming back to an empty house,” she whispered to them.

Empty as in no more Roger and Jasper. The Pokemon were always around, but she would no longer see her husband working on scripts over the dinner table, or hear her son’s laughter fill the house.

“I suppose I better get right on to clearing out their things,” she said, and at that, her eyes filled up with tears.

Opal emptied the closet of Roger’s ties and suits, Jasper’s little shirts, sweaters, and pants. Boxes of toys and picture books became boxes destined for donation. Bede wanted nothing more than to help her—just as he had done for a much older Opal when she desperately needed to clear up the clutter in her house—but being a traveler from another time, all he could do was stand by and watch helplessly as frequent pauses to collect herself and choke back sobs kept Opal from working as efficiently as she could have.

She didn’t clear out everything from the house. She couldn’t bring herself to toss out Roger’s incomplete scripts. Instead she kept them in a plain, unlabeled binder which would sit next to her mother’s manual on Fairy type Pokemon. She stripped the nightstands, counters, and walls of framed snapshots of her family. Pulling the pictures out of their frames and compiling them into stacks, without regard for any sort of order, Opal tucked them away deep in the attic. Bede knew that she wouldn’t be seeing those photos in a long, long time, until he would stumble on them by accident.

“She’s cleaning up the evidence,” Bede said to Celebi, “like she’s trying to wipe out any sign that Roger and Jasper were ever here.”

He wasn’t speaking out of judgment. He knew where she was coming from. When his parents fell behind on their debts, and literally couldn’t afford to support him anymore, they dumped him at the orphanage. The hand-made clothes they left him, their attempt to give him something to remember them by, were insult to injury. The first thing Bede did was chuck his clothes in the dumpster, so that the caregivers at the orphanage had to give him new ones, and he did not talk to anyone for a week.

Once Opal ended the taxing, thankless task and ruefully rubbed at her aching back, she went outside to spend the rest of the night smoking from her armbench. That became her new evening habit. Smoking. No more reading bedtime stories to Jasper. No more bouncing ideas with Roger as he labored over writing a new play.

Holding Celebi’s hand, Bede was taken through a sad, bleak timelapse as Opal sank deep into her smoking habit, burning through up to three packs of cigarettes a day, all from her armbench, and contributing significant weight gain to her Weezing, which ate up the smoky air she’d make. Bede sat down beside her, and though he wouldn’t call himself a hugger, he wanted to give her one now. A frown seemed to set deep into her face, like etching on a stone, and her hooded, unfocused eyes didn’t register the forest’s charm and beauty surrounding her.

One early evening, Randall arrived at her house by car—the same car she had taken to see him at Wynwall. His arrival took her by surprise, but only for a moment, and her eyes returned to distant dullness.

“Evening, Opal.” He tipped off his tophat to her in greeting, then knelt down to her sitting level and took her hands. “How are you doing?”

“Randy, what are you doing here?” She didn’t answer his question. Trying to dodge either an obvious lie or the hard truth, Bede guessed.

Her twin brother made a small smile. “I thought you ought to be the first one to know. Rather than giving you a call or sending you mail, I ought to tell you in person.” The smile lingered on his lips, like good news sat on the tip of his tongue, and when he paused for effect, Opal beat him to it.

“You have a date for the wedding, don’t you? And I’m invited?”

Delight lit up his face. “Why, yes. Sharp as always, Opal. I figured you would know.” Guilt flickered in his bright blue gaze as he turned it from her face to her hands. “I...I almost didn’t want to tell you, because...well...” He trailed off as he stared at the healing scar on her right hand.

With her left, Opal gripped his shoulder. “Congratulations, Randy. Really. All my best wishes for you and your fiancee. I appreciate you coming to tell me yourself. Whenever that wedding is, I’ll be there. What kind of sister can’t come to her own brother’s wedding?” Her smile told Bede of a brave, sincere attempt to muster happiness for Randall despite the grief she wallowed in.

He stood up and turned to sit on the bench beside her, and Bede was quick enough to move out of the way. “There’s something else I need to tell you, too. Marion wants me to move to Kalos with her after we get married. I...I’m thinking of selling the family estate in the process. I wanted to run that through you before I do that.”

“You’ve been in charge of that place for the past five years now. My home is here in Ballonlea, not at Wynwall. Not anymore, not for a long time, anyway. You don’t need my approval.” She tilted her head at him. “I feel like there’s another reason you’re thinking about that, even without your fiancee’s conditions.”

Randall nodded. “The Rose family gets more rich and powerful with each year,” he admitted. “They’re talking big plans—renovating Wynwall from the ground up, mining the region for new sources of energy, and of course, repurposing the Gyms for Dynamax battles.”

“Oh yes, I’ve heard,” Opal said. “My Gym’s next for reconstruction soon.”

“It’s just me against an entire family of businessmen, philanthropists, and entrepreneurs. I can’t keep up against them,” Randall went on. “Better to bow out now on friendly terms than go on to become bitter competitors and fight a losing battle. Besides, I fall in love with Kalos more and more every time I visit. It’s time to set my sights on a new land and a new life.”

“Your heart is leading you somewhere else. You should follow it.”

He smiled at her. “I’m beginning to understand why you left Wynwall and came here all those years ago.”

“I wouldn’t trade Ballonlea Town for any other place in the world,” Opal murmured. She stared off in the direction of the trail leading to the cemetery, where her spouse and child were buried.

Randall followed her gaze for a few moments before he went on, “I didn’t come here alone. When I released all the servants from my service, I made sure that they found work or retirement. Most chose to be transferred to the Rose family estate, but there are exceptions.” He gestured at the car, and Bede recognized the elderly gentleman who stepped out.

“Winston,” Opal exclaimed.

He bowed at her, then straightened up with an awkward tug at his collar. “My apologies, ma’am. No longer being a butler will take a considerable amount of adjustment.”

“Winston wanted to move to Ballonlea,” Randall said to Opal. “Proper retirement doesn’t suit him quite yet, so he’d like to work at the mart in the Pokemon Center, or at the inn, or the Dancing Impidimp. You know, somewhere that would benefit from his services. I approved the idea wholeheartedly. I thought you might appreciate having a familiar face around here.”

Opal didn’t quite smile at Winston. Having her family cruelly ripped away had also taken away her ability to properly smile and laugh for five years now. Despite that, fondness for the former butler still showed through her tone. “You are more than welcome to stay. I’ll look forward to seeing you wherever you’ll be working.”

Randall rose from the armbench, tucking the tophat under his arm. “Well, Opal, I’m delighted to hear that you’ll be coming to the wedding.” He froze midway in turning around, and returned to face her. “Ah, I almost forgot. I...” He cleared his throat. “I visited him in prison. He’s wondering if you’ll...” Randall trailed off, unable to finish.

Opal shook her head. “No,” she said in a low, tight voice. “I don’t know if I ever will.”

“I see. I’ll give him my regards the next time I see him, then.”

Bede was sharp enough to figure out that they were talking about Kestrel, who wondered if Opal would ever come visit him. The way they dodged about uttering his name told of how cut off he still was from the family. It had been five years since Roger and Jasper died, so Kestrel was halfway through his sentence. Bede doubted that Opal would ever want to see him around Ballonlea Town again, if he would be released in the next five years.

With a gentle hold of Bede’s hands, Celebi pulled him forward in time to the day that Opal and Randall bid each other farewell at the Wynwall airport.

Randall’s newly wedded wife from Kalos, along with his Pyroar and Boltund, stood respectfully to the side as the siblings shared a tight, long hug.

“Will you really be all right by yourself?” Randall asked.

With her chin on his shoulder, Opal mustered a smile. “I’ve already told you a hundred times, Randy. I’m not alone. I have my Pokemon. They’re—”

“Your family, I know.” He pulled back to hold her at arms’ length and return her smile. “I’ll try to call and write to you as often as I can.”

“Likewise.” Opal beckoned at Randall’s wife to come up, and she held their hands. “Go make the most of your marriage for me, okay? I know I already said this at the wedding, but I want you two to love each other with each day to the fullest. Smile at the smallest things and laugh at each other’s corny jokes. Never go to bed angry. You never know when you’ll wake up and find that it’s too late to say sorry.”

Grief and loss had given Opal weighted wisdom beyond women of her age. Looking at her brother and sister in-law, she was probably trying her hardest to recollect her own newlywed giddiness with Roger. She tried to end on a happier, more hopeful note. “If you ever plan on starting a family, I want to be the first to know.”

Randall pulled her into another hug, tears thick in his eyes. “My big sister, always leaving behind advice more valuable than pearls and golden nuggets.” He chuckled and wiped at his tears. “This is the best advice you’ve given me so far. Every other one was about warning me to stay out of trouble.”

“You better keep a close eye on him, Marion,” Opal said as she winked at his wife. “He used to be quite the troublemaker when he and I were little. He didn’t listen to me about shaving all the hair off our father’s Pyroar, and that earned him a spanking of the century.” She chuckled in what must have been the first time in a long time as Randall sputtered in embarrassment, and Marion put a hand to her mouth in mock horror.

Bede didn’t get to hear more of the conversation as he felt Celebi’s fluttering touch and warm light.

#

Brought back inside Opal’s house, he jumped at the sound of something scattering all over the floor. Something like heavy papers. He peeked into the kitchen to find that Opal had swept a stack of mail off her table. They fell like dead autumn leaves. One letter she had unfolded trembled in her hand, then it crumpled under her grip and she flung it down.

“Are you kidding me?” She burst out. “They could’ve told me in person, or at the very least with a phone call. Not through fucking mail!”

Bede flinched and pressed himself against the wall as she paced between the kitchen and living room swearing up a storm. At Celebi’s prompting, he crept over to the scattered letters and lowered himself on all fours to peer at the one Opal had been holding.

It was legible, and not too crumpled, for him to make out the fine print addressed to Opal from the Wynwall Correctional Institute. He pulled back in shock, almost hitting the back of his head against the tabletop right behind him. “Kestrel hung himself in prison.”

There came a loud, heavy crash as Opal flipped over the coffee table in the living room. Bede ducked under the dining table, hugging Celebi to his chest. He wasn’t alone in his fear of this unhinged Opal. Her and Roger’s Pokemon nearby made no effort to hide it. Alcremie ducked behind a partly open kitchen cabinet door. Mawile fixed its large jaws on the legs of a wooden chair. Togekiss hunched over the sofa, its white feathers puffed out and eyes scrunched shut. Mightyena and Obstagoon pulled back their ears and let out strained growls.

Opal knotted her hair into both fists and sank into the living room sofa with a scream. Her hands slid down to cover her face and she went silent for a while. Finally she lowered her hands to reveal wet cheeks, and horror plain in her eyes, as she took in the mess she had wrought in her house and the Pokemon cowering before her.

“Oh...oh, my darlings, my dears...I’m so sorry.”

Togekiss was the first to approach her by settling into her lap and pressing its soft weight against her. The other Pokemon were quick to join in as Opal held out her arms to welcome them into her embrace.

“I’m terribly sorry to give you all such a fright,” she murmured. “I never thought I’d trash the house and act out like this. I feel like Roger and Jasper took away the best parts of me when they died. You have the misfortune of dealing with the mess I’ve been.” Opal tightened her arms around Togekiss, pressing her cheek against its white feathers. “I was supposed to visit my brother today, you see, but just before I could, that letter from the prison came. Back in Wynwall, when Randy told me that Roger and Jasper had died, I told Kes that I would kill him. And I did.”

Something in her must have snapped that day. That news of her brother’s death was the straw that broke the Camerupt’s back. Since that day, her Gym challenge became a merciless one-sided Gym throwdown.

Bede remembered Opal being always consoling and encouraging to challengers who would lose against her. But here and now, in the darkest time of her life, she would do no such thing for any kid unlucky enough to set foot in her Gym. She spared no time nor mercy for the challengers whose Pokemon were beaten to the ground and League dreams were dashed. She kept a stern tightness about her face and posture, both hands clenched and white over the handle of her parasol. She would make no move or show of sympathy to tears of defeat and humiliation. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. Matches against Opal lost their entertainment value. They became plain painful to look at. Rumors and gossip spread like wildfire among spectators.

“Poor kids. They run out of this Gym absolutely crushed.”

“Poor Opal. She’s being like this to the kids because she lost her husband and son.”

“That’s terrible, don’t get me wrong. But if you ask me, I don’t think she should be running the Gym with the way she is now.”

“I can’t watch these matches anymore. No one’s having fun.”

“I heard that the League’s going to do something about that. About her.”

Something or someone had to step in and correct her streak of ruthlessness—Bede hated to admit it, but he had to agree. She was showing no signs of stopping herself, no signs of veering off the self-destructive path she was blazing on. He saw himself, his own pain and rage, in Opal. He wanted to be the one to reach out and stop her before she destroyed herself.

“Of course, in the bid for regional championship, you give it your all and show off your true strength,” Opal once told Bede over tea and scones. “But as a Gym Leader facing challengers with stars in their eyes and dreams flying to the moon, there’s a fine balance between testing and nurturing their potential. You don’t want to be a pushover, but you don’t want to be impossible, either.”

“Sounds tricky,” Bede had said, and that made her smirk behind her teacup.

“It’s an art, my boy, one I know you have what it takes to master.”

Bede had the benefit of coming from the future to know that Opal would return to the art of being a good Gym Leader again. But how?

His question was answered when a black-haired teenage boy stepped up to challenge Opal. Though that boy wore the neutral-colored jersey, he was ablaze with boldness and determination as he sent out an entire team of Fire type Pokemon against her.

The fall of his Arcanine, Torkoal, and Ninetales left him with only Centiskorch, but this didn’t seem to deter him.

“I’ve heard a lot about you, Ms. Opal, but your reputation doesn’t scare me,” the teen declared. “You’ve been giving plenty of challengers a hard time. I’ll do my best to turn the tables on you!”

She didn’t respond with a jaunty smile and a witty comeback, as she usually did during matches. While the boy’s eyes were alight with the thrill of battle, hers were dark with bitter anger. She too was down to her last Pokemon—something that Bede and the audience hadn’t seen in a while. Her tightened lips only loosened as she barked orders at Alcremie to attack.

“Alcremie, use Draining Kiss!”

“Here it comes, Centiskorch. Counter with Fire Lash!”

“Alcremie, Acid Armor! Take whatever move’s coming next and get that health back with Draining Kiss!”

The Gym challenger put up a good fight. He set the whole stadium on fire with his tenacity and spirit. Bede could feel it singe the tips of his hair and his skin.

In the end, however, Opal’s experience won out. Against her Alcremie bulked up on its defense, plus her favorite move, the health-sapping Draining Kiss, Centiskorch couldn’t last. Its long body hit the ground with a heavy, undulating thud. The boy took his defeat hard. He sank to his knees and his gaze dropped to the stadium floor. A rousing applause from the spectators jerked him out of his stupor. He staggered to his feet and blinked in a stupefied daze at the show of support for him. Of all the Trainers who challenged the Ballonlea Gym since the loss of Opal’s family, this scrawny kid came the closest to defeating her.

He probably didn’t know that, though. He continued to look glum as he emerged from the Gym after a change of clothes. He was still crying, and he stopped every few steps to wipe his face on his sleeve.

He was about to cross the bridge that connected the Gym to the rest of Ballonlea Town when a slide of the automatic doors revealed Opal.

“You there,” she called to him, “remind me of your name again?”

He whirled around, then dried his face with one more wipe of his sleeve before replying. “It’s Kabu, ma’am.”

“Oh, I thought he looked familiar,” Bede exclaimed to Celebi. “I should’ve guessed from all the Fire type Pokemon he had.”

Opal approached him and jerked her head toward the path opposite of the cottages. “Come take a walk with me, Kabu. You don’t seem like you’re from around here. You should check out how beautiful these trails are. They’re the pride of this town.”

Kabu obliged, clutching at the towel about his neck while jogging up to her. Once he caught up, he matched her stride.

“I guess you’re from Hoenn?” She asked.

The look he gave her was wide with surprise. “How did you know?”

“My husband was from Hoenn. It’s the accent. That’s how I could tell.” Opal shot him a curious glance. “What do you plan on doing now?”

“I was thinking about heading back to my home region since I lost.” Kabu kicked a pebble out of the way, his eyes downcast. “I’ve grown to really like it here. I was hoping to stay in Galar.”

“You may have lost against me, kid, but don’t give up on your Pokemon League dreams just yet. You’ve got potential. Gym Leader potential.”

Kabu almost lurched to a halt in disbelief. “I-I have what?”

“You heard me right.” Opal looked him up and down. “You’re not the one I’m looking for. You’re not pink enough. No, you’re...red. A fiery, indomitable red. The kind of red that refuses to be extinguished, like a fire that doesn’t want to be put out. That was some match we just had back there. You almost gave me a run for my money, you know.” She turned her attention back to the trail ahead of her and resumed walking. “Do you always use Fire type Pokemon?”

“I try to, even though it’d make more sense to have a balance of types. Still, I want to be a Fire type specialist.”

“I see. Then I’ll put in a good word for you to Oswald, the Gym Leader in Motostoke.” She aimed a smirk at him. “He’s hard to impress, but I know that you’ll win him over with your passion, plus a little help from me. I hate to see talent being wasted. You’ll put it to good use through training with good old Oswald, I’m sure.”

“You...you’re endorsing me even after I had lost?” Kabu bowed low at the waist before her. “Ms. Opal, thank you very much for your support.” He lifted his head and tears dotted the corners of his eyes. “How can I ever repay you?”

She smiled. “You already have, Kabu.”

Opal returned to the Gym stadium, which had been cleared of spectators since she had finished her match with Kabu. With both hands propped more loosely over the handle of her parasol, she took in the space and silence of the empty stadium.

“That was quite the match,” boomed a man’s voice from above. “You had me at the edge of my seat, Opal.”

She looked up and smirked. “Oh. It’s you.”

Standing not too far away from her, Bede gasped. “Celebi, I know that guy!”

As someone who was hell bent on becoming a Champion, he had taken it upon himself to know about every past Champion of the Galar region. Of course he knew the man perched on the spectators’ bench. He had just never seen the man in his younger years.

Mustard, the reigning Champion before Leon, jumped nimbly into the arena, followed by his two Urshifus. He straightened up to his full height, which turned out to be a head shorter than Opal. Nonetheless, the strength and confidence emanating from him was palpable to Bede.

Opal quirked a long dark eyebrow. “You didn’t come just to watch things heat up in here, did you?”

Mustard stuffed both hands into the pockets of his green jacket. “Well, no,” he admitted. “I’m here on League orders. You’ve sent enough kids running home crying to get the League’s attention, and not in a good way. I was supposed to warn you if you didn’t let up.”

“Warn me of what? Of being relieved from my Gym Leader post?”

Mustard put up his hands before returning them inside the pockets. “Hey, the committee takes care of all that stuff. I’m just the messenger.”

She smirked. “You were going to warn me with a battle, weren’t you?”

He winked at her. “You know me so well.” He cracked his knuckles. “I don’t talk things out—I fight them out, with my Pokemon!”

“Oh, so you want a match now?” Opal’s hand flitted to the Poke balls strapped to her belt. “Very well. I’m having my best winning streak yet. Maybe this time I got a shot at knocking the Champion off his pedestal.”

Mustard belted out a hearty laugh. “Don’t count on it, Opal. I don’t plan on breaking my winning streak, especially to you.” He chose his rapid style strike Urshifu to take on the first Pokemon Opal sent out: Weezing.

With its telekinesis, Celebi pulled Bede up to safety on the spectator benches. The stadium became alive again with the clash of opposing Pokemon and their attacks. Bede realized that at this point in time, forty something year-old Opal was like the Raihan of her day—a force to be reckoned with, the best among the Gym Leaders, and a worthy rival to the Champion. She was good, but not good enough to beat Mustard.

Despite the type disadvantage, and half the amount of Pokemon, Mustard ultimately won the upper hand and defended his Champion title. Even at Gigantamax proportions, Opal’s Alcremie fell in defeat to blows from his single style strike Urshifu. She withdrew her fainted Pokemon into its ball and handled her loss with a graceful nod.

“You still got it.”

“So do you,” Mustard said. “This is the closest match we’ve had yet.”

Opal hooked the ball containing her ace Pokemon back to her belt. “You know, Mustard, fighting that kid Kabu today reminded me of why I love being a Gym Leader. Finding kids with talent, and lifting them up to fulfill their potential, is a reward in of itself. I used to live for that, but I lost sight of it after Roger and Jasper...” Opal looked away. “Losing my son that young...he was only five. He never got the chance to turn ten and become a Trainer and have his own Pokemon. Meanwhile there are kids running around the region, set loose by their mums and dads to go on all sorts of adventures. Those kids probably don’t know how good they got it, how lucky and blessed they are to just be alive.” Her eyes grew wetter the more she blinked. “That felt so unfair. I would get so angry when I think about it. I took out my anger on all those poor kids coming to challenge my Gym. They didn’t deserve that. I want to tell them sorry for being a bad Gym Leader.”

Mustard closed the gap between them in a few strides and rested a hand on her shoulder. “Opal, you’re not a bad Gym Leader. You’re a damn good one who’s been through hell. I’ve never married, never had kids, so you’re going through pain I can’t even begin to imagine. What I do know is that sometimes it helps to take a step back and take a breather for a bit. Get a few days off from the Gym. Get some rest.” He cracked a wry grin. “You might think that I train myself and my Pokemon by punching rocks all day. But punch that rock too many times and too hard, and you’ll come away broken and bleeding.”

The Champion left Opal with that, and she seemed to consider his last remark as she stared after his retreating back.

#

Since her match with Kabu, and with Mustard, Opal relaxed the standards of her Gym challenge and her own battling style—not enough to be a walk in the park, but certainly not the approach that had steamrolled on the hopes and dreams of children, either.

She cut down on her smoking habit significantly, and forced herself out of the house more often to go on walks with Mightyena, to the grocery store, to the Gym, anything to get her moving.

Through that, she seemed to forgive the world for what it had done to Roger and Jasper. And she seemed to forgive herself, too, for what she had done to Kestrel.

For the first time since the funeral, Opal visited Roger and Jasper at the Ballonlea Cemetery. Though there was no third headstone, she left an extra bouquet of flowers for her unborn, unnamed child. Instead of standing over and before the burial sites like most people would, she would sit down and lean her back against the side of the headstone, and talk aloud as if her family was still alive to hear her.

“Another day gone by with no successor chosen,” she said with a sigh. “The next Gym Leader after me was supposed to be you, Jasper, darling, when you got older. But I suppose we can’t do anything about that now, can we?” Opal reached out with one arm to touch her husband’s name etched on the headstone. “I’m holding auditions, just as I did with you, Roger. I’m not just fighting the challengers, but testing them to see if any of them have what it takes to be a Gym Leader of Ballonlea Town. So far I’ve had no luck. Do you suppose I should lower my standards?” She paused, as if listening intently to a reply Bede couldn’t hear. Then she chuckled. “No, I better not. I’ve never been one to settle for less. That’s how I roped you in to act and sing at the theatre, after all. Speaking of ropes...” The smile died on her face. “I wonder if Kes is with you now, wherever you are. He left a note addressed to me in prison before he...” She couldn’t bring herself to finish that sentence. She started another: “The prison sent it to me, but I haven’t opened it yet. I don’t know if I ever could.”

She let out a shuddering sigh, closed her eyes, and fell into a somber silence, which was gently broken when a young red-haired woman approached the graves on soft, tentative footsteps.

“Oh, I didn’t know you’d be here,” the newcomer remarked.

Opal opened her eyes, briefly startled by the voice, but that was quickly replaced with a smile. “Mag, long time no see.”

Magnolia had grown up to cut a smart figure in the white lab coat. No longer the girl Bede had last seen, she now looked every inch the Pokemon professor everyone remembered her to be.

Magnolia bent down to add her bouquet of flowers to Opal’s. “I come every month to leave these,” she said. “I haven’t seen you around until now.”

“Yes, well, this is the first time I could bring myself to visit them.”

“I don’t blame you at all,” Magnolia said with sympathy. Opal continued to lean against the headstone, while Magnolia knelt down and removed her glasses to dab at her eyes. “I think of little Jasper every day. Sometimes I wish I could have visited you all more, be a better godmother for Jasper...”

Opal clasped Magnolia’s hand. “Don’t feel bad, Mag. You’re a very busy woman doing important research and good work for the region. I always appreciated it when you could drop by for a visit and play with Jasper. He absolutely adored you.”

The younger woman dropped her gaze to the burial sites just past her knees. “I still feel guilty. I can’t help but look back and think of the what ifs and should haves.”

Opal closed her eyes and her voice softened to a murmur. “I’m with you there. Sometimes, on the worst nights I can’t sleep, it’s not from nightmares, but from wishing that I had gone with Roger, Jasper, and the baby, so they didn’t have to leave me behind.”

Magnolia returned Opal’s grip with a squeeze.

Opal clearly tried to steer the conversation to a lighter note as she said next, “How’s your family doing back at Wedgehurst? Your daughter’s about to turn four soon, right?”

“Good memory. Yes, I’ve got to plan her birthday party when I get back.”

Opal rose to her feet and brushed bits of grass off her skirt. “Before I forget, come with me to my house so I can give you some of Jasper’s old toys. I say old, but they’re still in excellent condition.”

“My daughter would love that. Thank you.”

Opal and Magnolia left the cemetery together, and as Bede tried to follow them, Celebi led him with both hands not just through the cemetery, but through the currents of time.

Now, instead of Opal leading Magnolia into the house, Magnolia was leading Opal out of it.

“Just tell me already, Mag. Where are you taking me?” Opal asked. “What could be so important?”

“You’ll see when we get there,” the younger woman teased.

Opal’s show of anticipation and impatience made Bede crack a smirk. “She did the same to me. Got a taste of her own medicine back then, huh?”

Bede trailed after them, in the dark as much as Opal was. That is, until he realized the route he was taking. His eyes went wide as he weaved through the dense undergrowth. “Celebi, I think we’re—“

The time-traveling Pokemon nudged him further in the direction Magnolia and Opal had taken, then drew away from him and danced several figure eights in the air.

Bede frowned. “Huh? What are you trying to tell me?”

Celebi pointed after the two women.

“Okay, follow them. And then?”

Celebi didn’t make any more gestures. Instead a brilliant light engulfed it, and was gone in another blink of an eye.

Alarm spiked in Bede’s chest. Where the hell did Celebi just go? Did it just travel in time without him? Did he just get left behind in a time he didn’t belong in? He always had the Pokemon to guide him. Now what? He tried to take in deep, long breaths to calm himself. Celebi made it pretty clear to stick with Magnolia and Opal, but didn’t indicate anything else after that.

All he could do was trust that Celebi would appear to him again, whenever that was. Hopefully soon.

Bede tailed Magnolia and Opal for several more minutes, hoping with each minute that Celebi would come back for him. The two women stopped at a clearing. A clearing Bede recognized, because it was ringed with yellow mushrooms.

Opal looked around with uncertainty instead of familiarity flickering in her pale blue eyes. “Mag, where are we? What’s so special about this place?”

Magnolia didn’t answer Opal’s questions. Instead she produced a handful of cheri berries from her bag and held it out. A few feet before Magnolia’s extended hand, an orb of light materialized out of thin air. And from that light, Celebi appeared.

Everyone in the clearing reacted differently. Magnolia greeted Celebi with a warm smile, Opal gasped, while realization hit Bede like a clout to the head. Celebi traveled through time to meet up with Magnolia and Opal! When it had been accompanying Bede, it remained invisible to Pokemon and people of the past. Now it was present in that past, really present.

Opal evidently struggled to get over her shock. “I-I’ve only heard about this Pokemon in stories. Could this really be...”

Magnolia looked over her shoulder. “Yes, this is Celebi, the Pokemon that travels through time. While conducting research over Dynamax energy in Ballonlea, I stumbled upon this charming, elusive creature. After much convincing with cheri berries and my promises to bring it no harm, Celebi was kind enough to let me study its abilities. It does more than time traveling. It can show you timelines that have yet to exist, or never would. In other words, it can show you the future that could have been.”

“It can really do that?” Opal breathed. She tread on light feet closer to Magnolia and Celebi, who was eating the berries out of her hand.

“Opal, you must have lots of questions,” Magnolia said softly. “The what ifs and should haves. Celebi is here to help you answer those questions. But only if you’re okay with that. I brought you here so you could have the chance to see, but I don’t want to cause you more pain and grief if you’d rather not.”

Opal looked away for a few moments, then back at Magnolia and Celebi with conviction. “I...I want to know. I’ve always wondered what would’ve happened if that day had been different.”

Finished with Magnolia’s offering of berries, Celebi flitted up to Opal, who reached out with a trembling hand. “Celebi...please show me the future that could have been,” Opal whispered. “The future that will never be.”

“Bi...” Celebi peered down at the puckered, star-shaped scar marring the palm of Opal’s right hand. It touched the scar with its small hands, tickling Opal as her fingers twitched in response. Celebi raised its hands to touch the dark hair of her temples. It pulled back to draw out a shimmering stream, and flung its hands upward to open that stream into a pool hovering above everyone.

In the depths of that shimmering pool were glimpses of faded images, voices in faded echoes. Kestrel steered his Corviknight, without a drink beforehand, safely to Wynwall. Randall greeted everyone happily at the family estate instead of the hospital. Jasper grew up, and on his tenth birthday, received his first Pokemon: a Togepi. He was showered with hugs and kisses from his parents before embarking on his adventure as a Pokemon Trainer. More years passed. A teenage Jasper won the championship tournament, but chose not to defend his title as he returned to Ballonlea Town homesick and wanting to spend more time with his mother and father. While working at the theatre and learning the ropes of managing a Gym, Jasper met an up-and-coming actor, who he fell head over heels with. A colorful, flowery wedding followed soon after that. There were smiles all around the house when Jasper and his husband proudly presented the baby girl they had adopted. More years passed, more grey found its way into Opal’s hair, and the baby girl grew up into a woman with curly blonde hair and violet eyes.

Bede’s hair and eyes.

“Whoa, what?” He blurted out. “That’s my mum.”

He didn’t care if he sounded like an idiot talking to himself. The pool kept shimmering and unraveling the nonexistent future. That woman, his mother, got married and had a baby of her own. Opal, now white-haired and stooped but still quite spry, was delighted as she got to hold her great-grandchild for the first time. Roger, looking even more wizened and elderly than his wife, leaned in for a better look. She pulled back the blanket to kiss the top of the baby’s head. That baby was Bede himself.

The pool stopped shimmering. It thinned and trickled into a river that ran down between Celebi and Opal to vanish into the grass. No one said anything for a long time. Tears had run unchecked down Opal’s face as she had looked upon a future when the lives of her family were allowed to run their course. When a tragic accident hadn’t cruelly cut them short. Finally, as if broken free from a spell, Opal stirred and wiped a sleeve over her face. Magnolia rested a hand on her shaking shoulder.

Opal lowered her arm to meet Celebi’s large, ringed eyes. “Thank you for showing me all that,” she murmured. “And thank you, Mag, for bringing me here. Some people might’ve not wanted to see a future that can’t be theirs, but I...I feel more at peace now that I’ve seen it. Now I feel like I can move on. Move forward to try and make my own long, happy future.” A thoughtful expression made her brow furrow a bit. “Those people who came into our lives...who’s to say that they won’t exist someday? Maybe I might run into any one of them in a different way.”

“You’re right, Ms. Opal,” Bede said softly. “You’ll see me again.” He noticed how young she still looked at this time, when her hair hadn’t even turned grey yet. “It’ll take you a while, but I know you’ll wait and wait for as long as it takes until you and I find each other.”

Celebi departed from Magnolia and Opal with a flash of light, and with another, it reappeared before Bede. It reached out to touch one hand to his face, and he realized that he too had been crying. Bede sniffed, hiding a small smile behind his sleeve.

“I get it now, Celebi. What she meant by her story becoming mine. Our paths have crossed before. We’re connected way beyond accident and coincidence. Ms. Opal and I...we are so alike. We’re meant to be each other’s family. And I’m meant to succeed her as the next Fairy type Gym Leader.”

“Bi!” The Pokemon nodded in affirmation, happy that the journey through time, as long and difficult as it was, led Bede to this understanding. It made a wide sweep of its arms, as if drawing out a rainbow, then offered its hands.

Bede tried to figure out what it was saying. “We...we’re going back now? Back to the present, I mean?”

Celebi nodded again. Before taking its hands, Bede snuck one last glance at Opal, who stared up after where Celebi had disappeared from her sight. The smile on her face may be faint, but it brimmed with hope.

It was time to head back where he belonged, where he and Opal would see each other again.

Notes: Musical inspiration (especially the future scene): “Time” from Inception. This wraps up Bede’s blast to Opal’s past. On to the final stretch in the present!

[lovestory]

ED TW//

my ED grabbed hold of me and took over my life in July 2018. i’d been losing weight steadily and healthily since january 2017 but had hit a standstill long ago. I was overweight when I started and didn’t want to even be seen in public. my body dysmorphia made me absolutely despise how i looked in pictures. i went to extreme measures wanting to be able to look at pictures and not have a panic attack. i would wear those stupid corsets the kardashians advertise and refused to let a camera near me unless i had a mountain of foundation and fake eyelashes on. i remember it was the day ariana’s “the light is coming” was released. after much pressure from my doctor for years, i started taking an antidepressant (zoloft, which I no longer take because the side effects weren’t worth it). it completely wiped my appetite and i felt a sudden compulsion to go in the th*nspo tag. i got completely sucked in. and every day i watched that stubborn weight fall off me at an almost alarming rate. i ended up losing 10kg in 2 months and being 55kg by the time the rep tour rolled around. i remember being pleased with myself that i could take photos for a tour post that I didn’t hate. but every time i hit one of these little toxic, twisted “goals”, I would convince myself to go further. and from then on, i remember being stuck in a loop of gaining and losing, binging and starving. I remember before rep tour Brisbane, feeling my jeans so loose and distracting myself so I wouldn’t eat. I remember my Airbnb in New Zealand having scales and me getting on them after eating normally for 4 days and crying in a strangers bathroom. it’s just such....an exhausting way to live? being so hyperaware of your appearance that it controls your whole life? Being SO hungry that I’m irritated at everyone and lash out. I would work early - midday and come home and waste away on the couch, with no energy to even get up and get water. Drinking nothing but zero calorie soda for days and sometimes forcing myself to go to the gym. Not caring if it was killing me because I cared much more about that addicting feeling of getting on the scale and seeing the number drop. My mother used to project her own ED onto us kids and would feed us portions so small I want to cry looking back at that. If I ever tried to go and get food from the cupboard, just some crackers, it would physically be wrestled from my hands. Feeling control over something also made me feel better about myself. And everyone would tell me how well I’m doing. How slim I looked when I was dying inside.

when i got this job i physically couldn’t function at it unless i was eating properly. i stopped looking at calories. one day i caught my reflection and realised my pants didn’t fit anymore. i’m back to the weight i was before the ED took hold of me. it’s triggered a lot of self loathing. i fell back into the cycle i thought i’d overcome. I keep telling myself I’m a piece of shit because if I got an invite to meet Taylor I’d hate the photo. It just makes me feel so....self absorbed? To care so much about how I look. I’ve tried to talk to a friend a long time ago but they weren’t sympathetic, and family members as well, but they just tell me I need to stop....but I’ve tried. I try and then I idealise how I used to look and think if I can just get back to that I’ll stop. I’ll be doing great for awhile and then fall back into it for a week and I want to stop. My therapy visits are only covered 10 times a year and I don’t think it’s enough for me to really help myself. The biggest mistake I made was thinking at any time I had the power to say “yeah I’ve lost the weight, I’m done.” It’s a sinkhole, it’s fucked me up so terribly, and I can honestly say the ED community (never participated in it tho I think that’s gross - only viewed their posts obsessively) is a huge part of my problem. Tumblr needs to block this tag on mobile so that I never have the compulsion to look at it again.

[the-smartest-mallard]

Please just listen (’cause I don’t ask for much)

SUMMARY: In which Huey meets his dad NOTES: lots of angst but it’s sweet in the end. also idk who to tag in this but big thank u to lena who writes the most excellent long lost father lmao

HUEY:

Ooooh Huey couldn’t believe he’d done this. Huey could not believe he had done this and he hadn’t even told his brothers and oh, they were gonna kill him, when they found out about this (which they would, inevitably, because they were brothers and brothers had a way of just Knowing, it was a wonder Huey had kept this up in the first place—) they were gonna use the books in his room to beat him to death and he would probably deserve it, too, for being a crappy brother. 

And yet, he couldn’t bring himself to turn around. Even though he thought about it, several times, and he checked over his shoulder to see if there was anyone there, make his escape like he had never ever been there at all...

It had taken a few hours and a few trains to get back to Duckberg, but Huey had made it. His palms had sweated the entire way there and though he’d tried listening to a podcast to pass the time, he wasn’t sure he had heard any of it. He had the address written on a piece of paper, printed in his neat script, but he had it memorised by now. Not that he would throw the paper away, just in case it fell out of his head, never to be remembered again.

Huey had gotten off the train in Duckberg and had considered turning around and getting back on a train, back to Swynlake; he could be home in a few hours and it would be like he had never left at all. He did, in fact, have his return journey booked — he had known he wouldn’t be able to get away with staying the night, and besides… what if his dad didn’t want him to stay the night?

Yes, his dad. Every so often Huey allowed himself to think about it. Allowed himself to be excited: I’m gonna meet my dad, not just see him in a photo, see him for real, my own father! And then it was immediately followed with doubt. What if he doesn’t want to see me? And guilt. Why didn’t I tell Dewey and Louie? What will Uncle Donald think, when he finds out?

Huey took a deep breath, and looked at the door. The house was a perfectly ordinary house, on a perfectly normal street, in a perfectly normal neighbourhood, which for some reason wasn’t what he had expected. He wasn’t sure what he had expected, but it certainly wasn’t this, suburbia at its finest.

Huey twitched, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. He knew what Mei would do, if she were here: she would knock, no hesitation. Though why it mattered what Mei would do was beyond Huey, because she wasn’t here. She knew who her father was. Though admittedly, it had been very nice of her to cover for him — maybe he should have brought her along.

No, no, he needed to do this. Before he could lose courage again Huey surged forward, rapping his knuckles against the door in three quick knocks before he took a step back. There was no immediate response, and as the seconds ticked by, Huey got antsy again. He should leave. Obviously there was no one in. Maybe he had the address wrong. Yeah, that was probably right. He was in the wrong place entirely, silly him! Okay, better head back to the train station, get a cup of tea and wait a while—

When the door swung open Huey blinked, mouth falling open a little, the intention to speak there but no words coming out.

“Um— sorry. Hi. I’m— I’m Huey.”

IWAN:

Iwan Drake lived a perfectly normal suburban life. In the morning he would get up early to make coffee and ready breakfast for himself and his wife who was running on little sleep with the new baby waking them both up at every hour of the night. Life was pretty good for Iwan Drake as he readied himself for a relaxing weekend at home. The routine was the same, so he was up and about the house early, cleaning up, sipping at his coffee and settling in front of the tv to watch the news.

Neither he nor his wife had expected any visitors. In fact, Iwan had nestled himself comfortably on the couch by the time the doorbell rang. His wife had just settled next to him to feed little Richard when it happened, and the baby made a little wail of a noise. “Don’t worry darling, I’ve got it,” Iwan said, getting to his feet and making his way over to the door. 

He opened it wide, ready to tell some solicitor that he didn’t want to buy any of their products. But instead of a solicitor, it was a boy. A boy with very familiar looking curls stood in front of him. It was unmistakable. After all, Iwan knew how he’d looked as a boy. There was no denying that the boy in front of him looked a great deal like he had. Besides the eyes. Those eyes came directly from Ella.

“Huey?” He echoed, voice cracking a little as he almost reached out as if to prove to himself that the boy was real. This wasn’t a hallucination. One of his boys was standing in front of his door and introducing himself to him. Iwan had always hoped he’d be able to see his boys again, but he didn’t think it would be like this. “Honey? Who’s at the door?” 

The man took a breath and let it out again, carefully scanning over Huey as if to see just how he’d grown and how time had passed since he’d held the boy in his arms. “It’s my son. It’s...one of the boys.” He’d told his wife about them, of course. They’d had a long conversation about whether or not to try and reach out and gain custody again. Iwan wished for it. He wanted to be able to take care of his kids properly. He resented the fact that Donald had never helped him to figure things out, he’d just taken the boys and decided to raise them on his own. It hurt. It hurt to see Huey for the first time in so many years. 

“Come….why don’t you come in Huey?” 

HUEY:

The door opened and it reminded him of that weird Harry Potter dream, of looking into the Mirror of Erised and seeing himself all grown up. Oh, for sure, Huey had the right house. The man in front of might as well have been a fourth triplet, for all he looked like Huey and his brothers.

Huey didn’t know what to do. He wanted to step forward and hug him, he wanted to turn around and run. Part of him wanted to yell, which was strange cause Huey was never really an angry person, but then again when it came to his brothers, sometimes he was. He wanted to demand an answer. He wanted to know where his dad had been all these years.

The call from inside the house drew his eyes away, over his dad’s shoulder, and Huey blinked, the only outward sign of him freezing up like a deer in the headlights, or something - there was someone else inside the house. A woman. A honey. Suddenly Huey felt tears prick at his eyes and he didn’t exactly know why but he felt like he was intruding. He should leave. This was a mistake — he needed to go.

But then Iwan invited him in, and Huey, mouth dry and hands shaking, just a little, didn’t know what else to do.

“O-okay.” He nodded, stepping past his dad into the house.

IWAN: 

It was still a sight to behold, and Iwan was reeling because of it. One of his boys! Iwan never thought he’d get the chance to see them again. He’d tried to get in touch with Donald before. Honestly, he’d tried to communicate with the man before he’d taken the kids in too, but hadn’t worked out well. So to see one of his kids nearly fully grown and okay was....jarring.

“Huey, this is my wife Angela. Angela this is…this is Huey,” he said, a small smile on his face. “And of course there’s also little Richard.” He introduced the baby, even though he wouldn’t be able to do anything to greet Huey. It was the principle of it really. They were half-brothers. Angela was still nursing Richard, and Iwan was at a loss of what to do...what to say. Where to even begin with this.

So he went to the kitchen and quickly filled two glasses of water, setting one down at the dinner table. “Here, come sit lad. I’m sorry I’m not very...I don’t know…” he was admittedly a little frazzled. “How are the boys? Dewey and...and Louie,” he asked, though he wasn’t sure if he was even allowed to do that much. “Are you well? I’m sure your uncle has been taking good care of you...hasn’t he?”

HUEY:

The wife and the baby made Huey want to shout Sorry! and run out of the door, run all the way back to Swynlake, cause he was intruding wasn’t he? He should have tried to call, or something, he should have reached out first rather than showing up…

“It’s nice to meet you.” He told Angela, sounding a little hollow and blinking owlishly, but ever the good, polite boy his uncle had raised him to be. He looked at the baby again and then glanced quickly away, looking at his dad— at least he seemed just as confused as Huey felt.

Huey went to the kitchen when he was told to, sitting down in one of the chairs and taking the glass that was offered. He didn’t drink from it, just wrapped his hands around it and tapped his thumbnail against the glass, looking at his dad like he was afraid to look away, lest he disappear again.

“They’re— they’re fine.” He nodded. Now his throat felt dry, but still he didn’t move the glass. “Uncle Donald— yeah. He looks after us. We, um. We live with Uncle Seamus. It’s a farm, it’s— it’s good.”

He swallowed thickly, looking at the glass again. “My brothers— Uncle Donald— they don’t know I’m here. I didn’t. Um. I didn’t want them to know. What I was doing.” The words were beginning to tumble out of his mouth, faster and faster. “But then I found your address and I didn’t know what to do with it and my friend told me I should come and I think it’s the first time I’ve ever come this far on my own, like, without any of them knowing, and maybe I should have called first, I don’t know, I just— I couldn’t stop thinking about it so I thought I had to come and— and here I am. So.” He looked at his dad again, blinking a few times. “Yeah.”

IWAN: 

“I’m glad you came,” Iwan said first, wanting to make it quite clear that no matter how awkward this situation was (and it was certainly that), he wasn’t upset that the boy had turned up. Iwan had spent a lot of time debating over getting into contact with the boys and with Donald. But remembering the past and the custody debates...it was a difficult thing to try to reach out to their guardian.

Dozens of questions were bubbling up, though Iwan was careful not to just throw them out there. Huey had to be overwhelmed enough. After all, this was the first they’d seen each other since he was a baby. And now here Iwan was with a new wife and baby. It...well he knew it was a strange thing. But Iwan had recovered eventually, and he had found himself new happiness after losing Ella and his kids.

Iwan took a breath and let it out again, managing a small smile. “You know, you ramble just like your mother used to. I wonder…” he seemed to be lost in thought for a long moment before he drew himself back into the moment and the conversation. “I suppose you might have as many questions for me as I have for you. Are you hungry? We can go grab a bite and talk privately. I know Angela and the baby will be alright for a little while.”

HUEY:

I’m glad you came, his dad said, and Huey didn’t know if he was going to cry or not. He blinked a few times, willing away any tears that would well up, because he wasn’t going to cry today. He wasn’t going  to panic, and he wasn’t going to give up, and he most certainly want going to cry. All of the emotions crackling under his skin (and there were so, so many, joy and anger and hurt and confusion and so many more, all right there, squabbling for attention) were pushed deep down, where he could deal with them later, back in the safety of his own bedroom.

Huey was still blushing a little from the minor rampage he had gone on — sometimes it was like he just couldn’t stop the words coming out of his mouth. He wasn’t even sure where he came from, cause half the time, when he really got to rambling, his thoughts were so scattered he wasn’t sure how he articulated them at all. The words were just there, falling out of his mouth… but maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. At least, not if he shared it with his mum.

It was strange though — the mention of his mother. It wasn’t like Huey had forgotten about her, of course not, but… well. There was nothing to be done there, was there? His dad, Huey had known, was still out there somewhere. Real, alive, traceable. Living now with a new family, and for a second it felt strange for his dad to bring her up, as if there were no years, no distance between them, and they were reminiscing together. But before it could get awkward, the moment was over, and Huey was glad of it. He wouldn’t have known what to say.

“I… I would like that. Yeah.” He was almost afraid to glance into the living room, to admit that he was a stranger, intruding on a new life. He looked to his dad instead and nodded, a few errant curls falling into his eyes. “I, um— I have a train to catch. In a few hours. But food — and talking — would be good.”

IWAN:

Iwan nodded, moving toward the entryway to where he could grab a coat, glancing over at his wife to make sure once more that she was okay with him going. One short nod and he was able to bundle himself up, glancing over at the boy to make sure that he had something warm enough for outside.

It was a strange moment, though Iwan didn’t let this deter him from leading his son toward the well liked pizza place down the street. He would love to be able to spoil the kid and all, but money was a little tight, and he wasn’t even sure that Huey would appreciate going overboard yet either. They were still feeling each other out after all.

The man held open the door to the place he liked, gesturing for Huey to go in. “I hope you’re okay with pizza. Worst comes to worst you can take some leftover for your train ride. If it’s a long one.” Iwan didn’t even know where it was his son had come from. Back in the day the kid had lived in Duckberg too, but clearly it wasn’t the same now. He wouldn’t have a clue as to where Donald had decided to move them all. 

Iwan’s focus went right back on Huey as soon as the waiter had them seated. “There now. This’ll be better won’t it? I’ll admit I’m not sure where to begin...so perhaps if you have any questions, or anything you’d like to get off your chest…”

HUEY:

Huey walked alongside his dad, sneaking glances at him from the corners of his eyes as if he was worried he would disappear. And to be honest, it was a genuine worry. He wasn’t even sure any of this was real, maybe his dad was just an illusion. Maybe he was a dream, maybe all of this was a dream and any second his dad would just disappear into thin air, or in a puff of smoke, and Huey would never see him again.

If it was a dream, though, it was a very good one. Huey nodded mutely when Iwan asked if pizza was alright; he had no appetite whatsoever, but he was a teenage boy, so he’d eat pretty much anything that was put in front of him. “It’s. It’s not too far of a journey, um— I had to change trains, in London, but it’s not so bad. We live in Swynlake. The magic friendly town? Near Wiltshire.”

How had his dad not known that? Surely Uncle Donald must have told him as much; or then again, maybe he hadn’t told their dad anything at all. Maybe that was why their dad had never been in touch, because he hadn’t even known where to begin, but then that didn’t sound very much like Uncle Donald. And anyway, Huey was a sixteen year old boy and he’d been able to find his father’s address (sure, it had been slightly illegal, but he’d still done it), so really Huey didn’t know what to think.

Questions. Things to get off his chest. Huey was quite literally biting his tongue to keep on word-vomiting all over the table, but then he was given permission, and what else could he do? He watched the waiter’s retreating back and then looked at his dad, his lip trembling a little as he began. “Why didn’t you get in contact with us? Why didn’t you fight harder for us in the first place? Does— does Uncle Donald keep you updated, or something,” He was rambling again, tears in his eyes, now, but he kept his hands tucked beneath the table. “because he mustn’t, right, cause if he did you would know more about me, about us, wouldn’t you? Why didn’t you try harder?”

IWAN: 

Iwan had expected it to get awkward. And he had expected it to be uncomfortable. It had been years since he’d seen his son. Of course the kid would have a lot of questions. And not all of them would be easy to answer. Though he was doing a lot better now, Iwan still carried a lot of guilt with him. The most guilt came from not having been strong enough to take care of his kids when he should have. 

“I’m sorry Huey,” Iwan said first, tempted to look down rather than face his son’s hurt head on. But he had done enough damage in the past. Even if he hadn’t meant to do it. “I did fight for you. For all three of you. I...it was a difficult time for me. I’m not trying to make you sympathize, but just help you understand what was happening.” Iwan knew that he had screwed up. He knew it, but he still felt a little betrayed by Ella’s brother. Though the two of them hadn’t been married for very long, it had been an important relationship to Iwan, and losing her had really devastated him.  

There were times where he wondered why Donald wasn’t as devastated. Or how he was able to overcome it better. “I was grieving your mother. I’ll admit, I took it very hard. She was the first love of my life. And even now I sometimes think about the way she would smile or ramble on…” Iwan sighed and shook his head. This wasn’t all about his love story.

“In any case, I was grieving and really struggling with that and with you boys. Donald came in one day and I had done nothing for you. I know. I know I failed as a parent there. I was a complete mess. But somehow I thought...well heck, we’re still family. Donald’s here, maybe we’ll find a way to work through it all.” This idea clearly hadn’t worked out. He didn’t need to say more for Huey to recognize that. “The fight for custody was long and ugly to me, and I couldn’t justify myself being your guardian over your uncle. I was a mess. But even when he won custody I thought I’d have the chance to see you. I am your dad after all. I thought maybe when I was more put together he’d let me see you kids. That we could talk about it.” 

Iwan’s vision blurred for a moment and he had to wipe his eyes quickly to keep himself from crying. “I don’t know. It’s like after your mother died, your uncle and I couldn’t really communicate. I was a drunk mess half the time...and you kids were put in the best place that you could be.” He leaned forward to study Huey carefully. “You guys really are doing well right? Your uncle giving you what you need?”

HUEY:

Huey hadn’t thought about that. About his mother, and how that might have affected his dad. In truth, he didn’t think about his mother too much, which was maybe a bad thing, but… he didn’t remember her. And he knew there was no getting her back. His dad, though, their dad — That was a different story.

Huey tried to think of what Uncle Donald had told them about Iwan. He tried to set the two stories out side by side, looking for the bias, but it was difficult. He loved Uncle Donald, he had raised him and his brothers, he had always been like their father, and yet this was his father, sitting right in front of him, and it didn’t seem fair, if it was true.

But how did Huey know that it was true?

“We’re— fine.” He nodded. “He looks after us. Uncle Seamus, too.” 

Huey paused. He could keep asking questions, but he felt like he had to do something else. He took his phone out of his pocket and opened the camera roll, opening up a photo of he, Louie and Dewey from not too long ago. He slid the phone across the table, fingertips resting against the tabletop.

“That’s us. That’s Dewey,” he pointed. “And Louie. They don’t know that I’m here. Nobody, um— nobody does. Except my friend. So. That’s probably kinda dangerous, you could’a been anyone, but anyway— that’s us. We’re fine.”

He paused, the photo still there, three smiling faces looking up. “Did you think about us? Ever?”

IWAN: 

“Good. That’s good.” Iwan had never felt good about being cut off from them completely. Not knowing how his boys were doing or if Donald gave them what they needed properly was...well it was hard. At least Huey was able to tell him that things were going okay. Iwan had looked him over, of course. He wanted to be sure that he was doing well enough. Not that everything could be seen on the surface level, but he seemed well fed and everything.

Iwan leaned forward a little so that he could get a good look at the boy’s phone. There they were. All three boys almost all grown up. It was hard to believe. And it made him wish, as he had many times in the past, that Ella was still around to appreciate it. Still, Iwan was lucky enough to be able to see it, and that was important to note.

“Of course I did. I still do,” Iwan replied softly, smiling down at the picture before he leaned back a little. “When Angela got pregnant it was all I could think about really. Whether I could be a good dad to this kid if I’d failed my boys. If I even deserved this kind of happiness...I’ve thought a great deal about you. And I know I always will.” They were his kids, even if he didn’t get to raise them. Of course Iwan would think about them.

HUEY:

The photo made Huey feel twitchy, because all of a sudden it dawned on him: his brothers didn’t know about this. His brothers hadn’t agreed to this, who was huey to tell this man, even if he was their father, all about them, without them even knowing—

He stifled his discomfort by reaching for the phone, clicking it off so the screen went black, the picture gone. He slipped his hands into his lap, the phone held carefully between them, his knee bopping up and down in a fast, fidgety rhythm. 

“Why didn’t you try to find us? Contact us?” Huey asked. Sure it was a heartbreaking story, him worrying about not being a good enough dad, etc etc, but— “I’m a sixteen year old with a computer and I found you. I mean— I guess it was kind of illegal. You could probably have me arrested, I had to, um, back a few websites. But that’s not the point you’re… a grown up. With money.”

“Although I guess— I don't know. Maybe if you’d showed up, we — I don’t know what my brothers would have done.” Would they be angry, or excited? He wasn’t sure, honestly. He would’ve been wary, he knew that, so maybe it had to be this way. He was meant to find his dad, not the other way round.

“Is there—“ Huey cleared his throat, looking at his dad. “Is there anything you want to ask me? Anything else, I guess.”

IWAN:

Iwan took a deep breath and let it out again. “I had no legal right to do it.” That was the simple answer. The more complicated one was that the custody battle between Iwan and Donald had been incredibly ugly, and by the end of it, rather than them coming to a reasonable decision regarding the boys, Iwan had lost all of his rights to the boys: visitation, any of it. He wasn’t allowed to see them or look into them. Up until this point, he had been writing letters to Donald, hoping that maybe they could change things now that he was financially and emotionally stable. The man never responded to his letters.

The pizza chose that moment to appear before them, though Iwan was finding himself with a lot less appetite than he might have had before. Ah well. He’d just pass as much of it along with Huey when he went home and eat the rest later. Iwan reluctantly took a slice and sighed. “I’m not sure what your uncle has told you about the custody agreement. If he’s told you anything about it at all. But I lost all of my rights to you boys. I didn’t get the chance to have anything close to visitation rights. If I came near you I would imagine your uncle would have taken me to court again.” An awful enough experience the first time. He wasn’t sure he could handle another round with his ex brother-in-law. 

He glanced Huey over and nodded slightly. “I do. What do you like to do? Do you have a favorite subject in school? Do your brothers? Do you boys get along with each other? I’d...well I’d like to know as much about you and them as I can.”

HUEY:

Huey didn’t know that, because Iwan was right; Uncle Donald never told them anything. He never really talked about it, and sometimes Huey didn’t like to ask because, as curious as he was, sometimes he felt guilty for thinking about his birth parents. Uncle Donald had done such a good job, and he was still doing a good job — three toddlers couldn’t have been easy, and Huey really doubts three teenagers was even remotely better, but still. It wasn’t like they didn’t have a nice home and a family and stuff. 

But he did want to know. He wanted to know the whole story. And his appetite didn’t suffer a single bit, because even if he was nervous and a little nauseous, he was a teenage boy. Nothing came between him and free food. He chewed the end of a piece of pizza as Iwan spoke, his eyes wide as he took in the details Uncle Donald had never told him.

It sounded… ugly. Messy. No wonder Uncle Donald hadn’t wanted to talk about it, although… well, all Huey knew was that he wouldn’t have minded a little contact with his father over the years, even if it was fairly limited. He doubted it would have made him love his Uncle any less. It definitely would have helped him to understand where he came from, who he was, just a little more.

“Uh…” Huey swallowed his bite of pizza and began picking at the cheese as he thought about all those questions. “I read a lot. And explore a lot. Me and Dewey sometimes explore together. My favourite subject is probably chemistry, but I like school, I guess? So my favourite subject changes a lot. I don’t know about Dewey but Louie’s is probably de—” He stopped himself shoving some cheese in his mouth. Detention was probably only a funny joke if Louie was in the room. “We get along. I try to look after them, burden of being the oldest. I didn’t… I didn’t tell them I was coming here cause I knew they would want to come, and if they came and they got their hopes up and then you wouldn’t see us, or you weren’t what they were expecting, and it crushed them that would— it would have been my fault.” He was rambling again, so he shoved a little more cheese in his mouth to force him to take a pause. “And I didn’t want to do that to them.”

IWAN:

Iwan nodded, slowly taking a bite of pizza himself and sighing. He understood not wanting to tell family about meeting him. Honestly if he were in that position, Iwan would likely have done the same thing. It was protecting family. And as a father he would want the boys protected too, no matter how that worked. He hoped he’d get to meet Dewey and Louie eventually. He definitely did. But perhaps they could ease into it somehow. If he could try to get in touch with Donald once again.

“I understand. I don’t blame you for wanting to protect them.” Iwan smiled and took another bite of his pizza, chewing quickly before adding, “you did a very brave thing here Huey. I hope you know that.” Iwan was proud of the kid for putting in the effort. Even if it was awkward, even though he hadn’t known how it would go. Huey had done it. That was amazing. “What do you want to do from here? I’d like to get to know you better...and your brothers if they want to. I can give you my number perhaps? Something to keep in touch?”

HUEY:

Huey didn’t know that it was brave. Stupid, maybe. Selfish. Both of those and more, and if and when his brothers found out… when his uncle found out…

This had probably been a bad idea.

But Huey looked across the table at his dad and he couldn’t bear to regret it. He had wanted to meet his dad, and now he had. He wanted to know his dad. His brothers would come first, they always would, but his dad… he wasn’t as bad as Huey had thought he would be, what he had always expected. Some deadbeat, couldn’t look after his kids, didn’t want to. He wasn't perfect, sure, but neither was Huey, or Uncle Donald, or anyone.

“You can give me your number,” Huey nodded, swallowing another bite of pizza. He reached for his bag, pulling open the front pocket to produce a small notepad and a pen. “I’ll, um. I’ll text you, later. I need to tell my brothers first and then… then we can see. But I—“ Huey shifted in his seat — he’d been a fidgety kid, ants in his pants, eager to get away from the table and keep on going and the urge had never left him, “I-I would like to get to know you better too. Dad.”

IWAN:

A smile spread across Iwan’s face at that. He had been hopeful, of course he had. Hopeful but unsure whether their meeting now had shown Huey enough, if his son had enough with just this one face to face meeting. He didn’t want it to be enough. Largely because Iwan didn’t feel as if he had enough time to talk to his boy. And he wanted to get to know Huey. He wished he could get to know all three of his boys, but he would have to be patient on that front.

“Of course. You know where to find me now too. If you need anything...let me know.” He leaned over to carefully write his name and then his number down on the notepad that Huey had on him. It was smart of him to be so prepared, and he couldn’t help but be a little bit proud. He hadn’t done much to contribute to that, but his kid was smart. It made him feel a little better. One of his sons was just fine. The others he hoped would be doing okay as well.

Iwan nodded, gently pushing the notepad back toward Huey. “Now that we’re aware of each other, I think that will be fairly easy to do. How much time do you have? I don’t want you to get in trouble at home.”

HUEY:

Huey took the notepad back, glancing briefly at his dad’s handwriting, knowing he was going to end up obsessing about it a little as he made his way back home. Was it like his? Was it different? But never mind; for now he slipped it back into his backpack, zipping it up tight and patting it from the outside to make sure that it was settled and correct. 

“I have— about an hour.” Huey decided, looking at his watch. He probably had about an hour and a half before he needed to be at the station, really, but he liked to be at the station early and he still wasn’t entirely over the guilty feeling of being here, no one knowing, just... spending time with his dad.

Not that that was going to stop him, though.

[skinniplease]

I’m fucking sick

So here’s my story.

When I was 13 my family and I were visiting my family in California (in July). They were all weighing themselves and told me to step on. I was 5’0 tall and the scale read 135 lbs. My step mom exclaimed that I was too heavy and needed to lose weight. I cried myself to sleep that night and starved myself the entire next day. The next night I got drunk. The day after that, I barely ate. The week went on with me barely eating.

When we came home I went vegetarian in some attempt to lose weight. (The moral reasons came after.) I also stopped eating breakfast and lunch and would only eat small amounts at dinner time. Because I was vegetarian, I was able to make my own meals instead of eating my family’s greasy food. Almost everyday I ate a sandwich with smashed avocado and chickpeas in place of mayo with red peppers, spinach, tomatoes, and a vegan jalapeño cheese. I wasn’t vegan at the time but I wanted to cut out some fats so I didn’t eat very much dairy. In two months I went from 135 to 108.

I started school again that September (14 years old). My classmates were shocked at my size. My xs yoga pants were a little baggy. My ex boyfriend asked me if I was sick. Like seriously sick. He thought I had cancer.

I didn’t like looking sick but I did like being skinny. I made it a goal to slowly put some weight on. It took me 6 months to get to 112 lbs and I stayed there for about two years. During this time I still didn’t eat breakfast, I only ate lunch like 2x a week. For dinner I lived off of mac n cheese and blueberry waffles. If I ate too much and felt guilty, I puked. All of my lunch money went to weed, booze, and shrooms (16 years old). Blueberry waffles were my munchies. Then I got caught with weed in my moms house. I got in a lot of trouble and wasn’t allowed to be home alone. I started to eat more fruits which then made me put on more weight but I didn’t try to stop it. I wasn’t happy about it but I just managed it. I maintained 125 for a while. My parents made me go to the gym with them 6 days a week because they wouldn’t leave me at home. I worked out for 1 1/2 hours 6 days a week. 3 days a week I also did an hour long yoga class before my workout. My weight dropped to 118 but I was very toned and thin. I looked great.

When they finally let me be alone after 9 months of being grounded, I started smoking cigarettes. When I didn’t have them, I ate a ton. They curbed my appetite. (My weight went back up to 125.)Every morning before school I made myself an iced coffee and left my house with enough time for me to drive around for 20-30 minutes before school so I could smoke and just relax. That stopped when I totaled my car doing exactly that (17 years old).

I had just started dating my (current) boyfriend a month before. Within a year I gained 30 pounds. I went back to eating meat and we ate A LOT of junk food. In year two I gained another 30 pounds before I really noticed how big I’d gotten. One day I weighed myself and saw I was now 186 lbs. Holy shit how did that happen? That was December of 2017 (19 years old).

I knew I needed to lose weight but I was terrified I’d relapse into my eating disorders so I put it off. Finally after 3 months, I decided I’d try but I knew I needed to be very careful so I didn’t slip. I lost 10 pounds. Then I went to visit my family in Cali again and literally ALL they cooked all two weeks was fried food. I ate everything in moderation but still felt like shit. When I came back home after 16 days, I had gained 6 lbs back. I gave up.

From March to September of 2018 I tried SO many diets. None of them worked well enough for me. All of my friends were encouraging me to lose weight but didn’t understand how dangerous that was, even though I told them all about my past. After failing to lose weight so many times I started to feel like maybe there was something else going on. My thyroid gland was swollen so I started to think maybe it just couldn’t happen for me and gave up. In October I was at my grandparents house and decided to step on the scale. I was 184 lbs. FUCK! Why did I let myself get back here?!

The next two days while I was there I ate around 800 cals and logged them all. The rest of the week, under 600 cals. I couldn’t stand the thought of being that weight anymore so I just gave in. In one week I dropped 6 lbs. It was mostly water weight. After that first week I maintained for 10 days and that really fucked me up. The next week I dropped another 3 lbs and thought my plateau was over. Nope, there it goes again for 7 days. Since then I’ve been losing in 1 lb incriminates every 3-4 days. I now switch up my calorie intake. Monday’s and Tuesday’s I eat around 1,000-1,200 and the rest of the week I eat under 800. Wednesday’s are kinda hard for me for a lot of reasons so I pretty much always go over on Wednesday’s ):

Sunday night of this week I started a fast. I was aiming for 24 hours but by the time I knew it, I was at 36. So I thought I’d try to stretch it to 48. Tuesday morning I woke up in a sweat because I couldn’t figure out how to lie to my boyfriend about not eating that day. We always go out to eat on tuesdays. I spent 6 hours curled in a ball on the couch panicking waiting for him to wake up. Then when we left, he kept asking if I was okay because I wouldn’t make eye contact and I seemed off. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it. I was trying to stop the war in my head about breaking my fast at 40 hours. I felt like such a failure but I knew if I didn’t break it, he’d catch on.

Yesterday, I ate a low calorie breakfast and an hour later binged on a bunch of junk. 15 minutes later I felt like shit about myself and saw a photo of 5 lbs of fat and ran to the bathroom to puke. I don’t want that. Why’d I binge? I ate 800 calories in 10 minutes. Wtf. So I purged until it physically hurt to do it anymore. I’m sure I didn’t get it all though. I felt so much better. About 6 hours later, I had dinner and then binged AGAIN. So I immediately said I was going to take a shower and turned on the water and purged again. I tried to be quiet but I couldn’t so I had to stop halfway through. I feel like shit because I couldn’t even do that right.

When I got out of the shower he asked me “were you coughing up a lung in there?”

“Yeah”

“Yeah every now and then I heard *makes choking noise* and thought dang I hope she’s not getting sick in there”

I couldn’t look him in the eye and I got in bed. I feel so shitty about lying.

Now I’m afraid to eat anywhere other than home in case I feel the urge to throw up. I don’t want to deal with bulimia again. Anorexia is bad enough as it is. My relapse yesterday is really fucking me up. Puking isn’t fun and it doesn’t feel good but it felt good to lose control for a minute and then rid my body of it. It made me feel like I gained back some control.

But now I’m scared to eat anything simply because I don’t want to make myself feel guilty and purge. I don’t know what to do.

Also, it’s pretty fucking sad I’ve been dealing with this off and on and at different extremes since I was 13 years old. I’m fucking 20 now. I thought I recovered in late high school but looking back, I’m not sure I did...