#I’ve been really bored today and trying to get my brain to come up with something to do

[quibbs126]

My brain is saying yet again “inject Transformers with Sonic”

I still don’t know how to do that though, outside of bright colors

I think it’s saying that because I decided to watch a documentary on the history of Las Vegas, and so casinos are on my mind. Also I saw a color palette with bright colors that speaks to me

[chelseeebe]

promise.

eddie knows about covering bruises and pretending to be fine all too well. but can he save the one woman he thinks he’s ever loved?

a/n: ok i’ve been a bit shit the last few weeks and this is genuinely the only thing i could conjure up but forewarning, it is sad and it does mention some pretty heavy topics that i know aren’t for everyone so i completely understand if u don’t want to read! my adhd riddled brain has already started a part two which does have a happy ending

title based on promise - ben howard i just thought it was a really lovely song and fits well with part two

read part two here.

18+. mdni! mentions of domestic violence, not explicitly described but the injuries are there and it is referred to multiple times throughout (eddie is not the perpetrator). smut. v much hurt/no comfort but not for long.

⋆˙⟡♡⟡⋆˙

eddie is positively wrecked.

who would have ever guessed working in a shoddy, run-down bar would be so fucking tiring?

graham had said that if he picked up a few shifts at the hideout a week, then corroded coffin could play once a month. a guaranteed slot and he got paid? this was like heaven to him.

he just hadn’t expected the little bar to be so exhausting. he supposes that his lack of work experience and the fact he was used to doing sweet fuck all most of the time was to blame. that’s not his fault. not really. after finally graduating high school a year or so ago, he just hadn’t found any work in the tiny town.

on one particularly boring mid-week shift, eddie’s sat behind the bar doodling on the back of an old receipt, tapping his foot along to the kiss tune playing on the stereo. wouldn’t be his first choice but he’s not complaining.

‘you coming for a smoke?’ you exclaim suddenly, causing his head to jolt up, running the biro over his shitty drawing, ruining it completely.

‘uh.. then who would be on the bar?’ he utters, quickly hiding the doodle before you could judge it. not that he thinks you would, but just in case.

‘eddie, it’s dead,’ you say flatly, looking around at the empty tables.

truth be told, he hadn’t seen another soul bar from you and graham since he’d arrived which was odd for a thursday. assuming that the usual bums that lined the dusty old stools were otherwise engaged today. that or they just hadn’t been paid yet.

‘oh.. yeah, okay,’ he nods, hopping down from the stool and grabbing his jacket. you’re already gone, bounding off down the hall to the fire exit you all used for smoke breaks.

eddie’s still fairly new and very rarely got invited on the group breaks. which was fine, he just wished that you’d all take it in turns so that he could smoke too. he gets it though, like he talks enough but yet not enough to really make friends with any of you.

you’re leaning back against the brick wall, cigarette hanging from your lips, ‘you got a lighter?’

it’s not like he’d been staring or thought about it that much, but he’d noticed how breathtakingly beautiful you were on his second shift. okay, maybe that’s a lie. he’d thought about it a lot. but anyway, he’d been utterly in awe at the way you handled the drunks, brushed off their creepy comments and stood your ground no matter how angry or persistent they were being. he admired that and just wished that he had even a smidgen of the confidence you had.

he fumbles in his pocket for the lighter, clumsily handing it over before getting his own pack out. it feels wrong to look you in the eye, god that sounded pathetic. you were older, far cooler than he was and positively stunning. if he remembers correctly, you must’ve been a couple grades above him at school but had left long before he graduated.

‘thanks,’ passing the lighter back to him, fingers ever so slightly brushing against his. it’s like electricity sparks through his veins.

he really needs to get a grip.

‘you enjoyin’ it here?’ you ask, eyes intimidating as they bore into his.

‘it’s okay.. tiring though,’ he shrugs, trying his hardest to maintain eye contact despite his inability to look pretty girls in the eye.

‘yeah.. you’ll get used to it,’ you chuckle, the smoke flowing out of your lips perfectly. he’s so pathetically down bad for you and you have literally no idea.

‘how long have you worked here?’ longing to keep the conversation flowing.

‘shit.. too long,’ chuckling as you take another drag. eddie could listen to that sound all day. ‘i think i was eighteen when i started so..’ pretending to count on your fingers, ‘six years?’

eddie blows the air out of cheeks, he’s probably be in a similar position if he’d have just graduated when he was supposed to so he can’t exactly pass judgement.

‘i think we went to school together, i mean, you were a couple grades above me but i remember you,’ hoping that that didn’t sound as creepy out loud like it did in his head.

‘oh shit, really?’ your eyes narrow, trying to place him though it’s obviously not going to happen, ‘i don’t remember you.. i’m so sorry,’ playfully hitting his arm.

the connection is enough to keep his delusions going for at least another month.

‘it’s fine, didn’t think you would,’ not many people did to be honest. he tosses his cigarette into the overflowing makeshift ashtray, waiting for you to lead the way back inside.

‘hey, it was a long time ago, i’m old now!’ you joke, walking back through the dim hall back to the bar. he tries his hardest not to let his gaze slip to you ass but he swears it’s only for a second.

the bar’s still dead, the stereo now blaring out some madonna tune he hated.

‘ugh.. turn this one off,’ he mutters, mostly to himself as he repositions himself back on his perch.

‘what?’

‘i hate this song.’

your jaw drops in faux-offence, ‘i made this mixtape you asshole,’ going to shove him off of the stool, ‘i can’t believe you can’t drop the cool guy act for one second to appreciate some madonna,’ laughing as you start collecting glasses.

his frown turns into an immediate grin, begging for your forgiveness as he starts to bop his head along to the beat. it’s not like anyone would see him and hell, even if they did, he didn’t care. not if it made you smile.

-

‘holy fuck, you been fightin’ with the door again?’ james remarks, pulling eddie’s eyes from his paper to spot you rushing into the bar.

your head is ducked, flashing the older man your middle finger, disappearing into the back before eddie can properly get a glimpse of your face.

but he knows.

there’d been a handful of times that you’d come in wearing a massive sweater instead of your usual low-cut tops and when you reached for something high up, the sleeve would reveal just enough for him to see the dark blue marks on your wrist.

he’d never been sure, not until now. but his stomach drops the second his brain puts two and two together.

ditching the paper and that asshole james behind the bar to slink off into the back, approaching the tiny staff room with the upmost caution. it’d never be wise to start throwing accusations around but he’s not stupid. eddie had watching his mom go through the exact same shit for years. knew all the tricks in the book to cover up bruises, cried his heart out every time his mom went back to his asshole dad.

only god knows how many times he’d planned out his fathers death. anger brimming in his tiny body the second he heard raised voices.

he knocks gently on the door, watching as you hurriedly wipe the makeup onto your eye. it’s not doing much, in fact, it’s not doing anything at all. the purple shining through undeniably.

‘you okay?’ practically whispering as he enters the room, knocking the door shut behind him. james’ comment had meant that this obviously wasn’t the first time you’d come into work with such horrid markings.

you sigh, giving up on attempting to cover it, slamming the metallic compact back into your locker. ‘i’m okay.. i’m fine,’ refusing to turn and face him.

you’re obviously not okay and it hurts eddie to know that there’s absolutely nothing he can do to help. instead, he takes a seat on the communal bench, if nothing else, he’d lend his ear for whatever story you wanted to tell him.

‘what happened?’ he dares to ask, not expecting to know the truth but it felt better than silence.

you sniff, closing your locker and finally facing him head on. there’s pain and guilt wracked all over your face, ‘i’m just.. clumsy,’ shoulders slumping, ‘i tripped..’

‘clumsy?’

you were anything but. eddie had watched you balance trays full of glasses without spilling a single drop. maybe other people bought your story but he didn’t. he couldn’t.

there’s a short silence and eddie shuffles, patting the empty space beside him, ‘you don’t have to lie to me.’ he swallows his anger, lets it rest in his stomach for a later date. there’s no doubt that if he got the opportunity, he’d kill the asshole that did this to you.

you swallow, reluctantly perching on the bench, ‘why are you even asking when you already know?’ not quite meeting his eyes, staring off somewhere into the distance.

‘i don’t know.. didn’t wanna pressure you..’ he’s familiar with the whole routine. the denial from his mother had broken his heart at such a young age even though he wasn’t stupid.

you blink, meeting his eyes for the first time, ‘he didn’t mean to.. was my fault,’ wiping the back of your hand against your sodden cheeks.

even hearing the words makes him inexplicably frustrated. not with you of course, but with the fact that you can’t see how much you don’t deserve that.

‘i don’t think you could do anything to deserve that,’ motioning towards your blackened eye. he’s not going to push it but he needs you to know that he’s here and would quite happily wrap his hands around that bastards neck.

‘you know.. my dad used to hit my mom,’ swallowing the large lump that had gathered in his throat, but finds enough strength to continue, ‘she was the nicest lady in the world.. she didn’t deserve that and neither do you,’ licking his suddenly parched lips. it wasn’t an easy topic then and it certainly isn’t now.

he’s not particularly ever open about what happened to his mom but if it convinced you even a tiny bit to leave him, it’d be worth it.

there’s a beat, followed by a muffled sniff but you’re nodding, staring down at the grimy tiles rather than his face. eddie reckons that he’d be overstepping his mark if he did what he wanted and leant over to hug you. so he doesn’t. putting a sympathetic hand on your shoulder instead.

‘you’re an angel, you know that?’ the hints of a smile creeping onto your lips.

‘yeah i know,’ he scoffs, bashing his shoulder into yours, only gently.

‘shut up,’ knocking him straight back.

you get up from the bench, puffing your cheeks out as you take one last look into the mirror.

it’s a gut-wrenching, awful sight and god forbid eddie has to ever see you like that again.

-

perhaps rather naively, eddie assumes everything is fine for the next few weeks.

understandably, you’re a bit subdued for a few days but you do revert back to your usual bubbly self come friday evening. no more bruises, no more groaning when you change the keg and absolutely zero mention of your wretched boyfriend.

so when he pulls into his gravel driveway one gloomy saturday night, he’s aghast to see you perched on his trailer steps. blinking through his headlights, soaked through from the rain with a busted lip and a torn shirt to match.

he near enough launches himself from his van, rushing over to your hunched over frame. damn near falling over his feet to get to you.

‘what the hell happened?’

you stand, clinging onto your poorly packed rucksack, ‘i.. i didn’t know where else to go,’ utterly defeated, any traces of life drained from your face.

he doesn’t say another word, bundling you into the trailer, slamming the lights on to get a proper look of you. his hands firmly on your drenched shoulders as he examines your injuries. your lip is cracked, the blood had wept from the cut and dried on your chin.

it’s awful. knocks him sick just to see you like this. your cheeks are stained with a mixture of rain and he presumes tears, hair hanging limp around your beautiful face.

‘what happened?’ he says softly, studying your face. he notices the small gash on your forehead, using everything within himself not to storm out of that door in a murderous rage.

your mouth opens but no words come out. it’s not as if he can’t put two and two together, he just doesn’t understand how it got to this point after last week.

‘it’s okay.. c’mon let’s get you out of these clothes,’ he blinks, collecting himself before taking your sopping wet bag. the clothes had all suffered in the downpour, damp and unwearable.

so he leads you into his cramped room, hastily rummaging through his drawers for something you can wear.

it’s a little self-indulgent and completely the wrong time but his heart flutters when you reappear out of the bathroom sporting his tee and a pair of old gym shorts. now showered and without the blood stains on your face, it’s a welcome sight.

‘better?’ he offers, though he knows a shower could never really help.

you nod, pulling the sleeves down over your hands. it’s so adorable and eddie seriously has to fight his compulsion to just pull you into his arms. he knows there’s no way he can protect you from everything but he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to try.

‘you want a drink? beer?’

your eyes light up, a minuscule smirk appearing on your battered lips. he’s sure wayne would understand why he came home to a non-existent six pack. the berating would be worth it to see you smile again.

he collapses onto the couch next to you, beer in hand as he watches you slowly relax. delighted that he could offer a safe space for you, even if it did come with some very complicated feelings.

that night, admittedly very creepily, he watches as you sleep. terrified to fall asleep in his makeshift bed on the floor in case you needed him.

-

at some point in the last two weeks, eddie had gone from sleeping on the floor to sleeping in his bed next to you. you’d told him it was far too cold for him on the floor and he should just get in. which he did, with great pleasure. there was nothing to it of course, but a few times he’d woken up to your leg entangled with his or your face pressed against his back.

everything had just got a whole lot more comfortable. rides to work, cooking for one another and some shared looks that he’d been unable to put his finger on. not wanting to believe they had any deeper meaning but at the same time, he knew that that wasn’t how friends looked at each other.

it’s a rare night you both have off, sat in the trailer watching halloween, neither of you really interested in what’s going on on the screen. there’s an inexplicable tension in the air tonight, you’re quieter than usual which eddie doesn’t like.

‘you okay?’ he dares to ask. he’d felt a little overbearing those first few days, constantly checking on you to make sure you were okay.

‘hmm? oh, i’m okay,’ setting your bottle of beer on the table, ending up much closer to him when you sit back.

‘you sure? you’re quiet,’ keen not to let on that he was absolutely buzzing about your close proximity.

‘just thinking.’

‘about?’

you let out a soft breath, twisting around to look at him fully. the only times he’d been this close to you were in bed where he laid and listened to your soft snores and when you’d been covered in injuries. neither one were exceptionally great circumstances.

‘you,’ you blink up at him, smiling just enough to make his heart skip a beat.

‘me?’ he can’t decipher whether that’s a good thing or not.

‘mhm.’

‘what about me?’

you don’t respond for what feels like an eternity but your gaze lowers, glancing at his lips and back to his eyes. if he weren’t staring directly into your bright eyes, he’d have missed it.

‘i really want to kiss you,’ you say, so brazenly that eddie’s not quite sure if he’s heard you correctly, almost sputtering on his breath as the words process.

‘you.. you wanna kiss me?’ trying hard not to sound so astounded. pretty girls didn’t want to kiss eddie, not like this.

you nod, ‘can i?’

there are stars in his eyes, blood pumping around his limbs at an alarming rate. his head is fuzzy and if he weren’t sitting, he’d probably have fainted.

‘please,’ he chokes, desperately forcing the word out before it becomes impossible.

your palms are soft as they caress his cheek, wishing that he’d shaved before this had unfolded. his heartbeat stutters, bubbling with anticipation as you lean in, gentle lips locking onto his as his eyes flutter shut.

this is it. he’d dreamt of kissing you for weeks, practiced on his hand an embarrassing amount of times and yet still nothing could’ve prepared him for how earth shattering this felt. his heart is practically jumping out of his chest and he’s sure you can feel it thumping against yours.

it’s as if fate had bought the two of you together, moving against each other in perfect harmony. if he died tomorrow, he’d die a happy man.

your hand creeps down onto his chest, holding yourself upright as you shift onto your knees. do you want to have sex with him? is this actually happening? his fingertips vibrate as they connect with your waist, like you weren’t even real and just a figment of his overactive imagination.

the second your lips part from his, he wants to cry, pull you back in and never let go. the absence of contact makes him whine, opening his eyes to see yours gazing back, they look different. different to how you’ve ever looked at him before, full of something unspeakable.

‘do you want to?’ you ask quietly into the minimal space between you.

eddie wants to so bad, more than he’s ever wanted anything in his life. nodding hurriedly to let you know just how eager he is. there’s not a chance in hell he’d let this opportunity slip through his fingers.

your lips twitch into a smile at his permission, fingers curling around the hem of his shirt.

but before you get any further, the trailer door clicks open and wayne is stood in the doorway, pizza box in hand accompanying his unimpressed scowl. ‘okay well, i think that’s enough of that,’ he grumbles, shuffling into the trailer as you climb off eddie’s lap, back into your own spot.

‘sorry wayne.. i didn’t know you were back so early,’ his cheeks burning, bashful as ever. it wasn’t enough for wayne to walk in on that but he was always now straining against his jeans, trying desperately to hide the tent while you reshuffle, pulling your shorts back down to a more appropriate length.

‘yeah yeah whatever,’ his uncle shakes his head, trundling over to the couch and tossing the box onto the cluttered coffee table, ‘move over boy, i wanna watch my programme,’ collapsing into the empty seat beside his nephew with a deep, guttural sigh.

the two of you share a sly smirk, tuning in to whatever shit wayne had put on without saying another word. stifling your laughter with a piece of pizza as eddie tries and fails to discretely pull a pillow onto his lap.

it’s hours later when you both crawl into bed and eddie has checked five times that wayne’s actually asleep before he gets to kiss you again.

bundled up under the covers when you pull him on top of you, your face gloriously basked in the bright moonlight shining in. it’s breathtaking.

‘you want to?’ you ask again, as if his answer had changed in those few hours.

he nods, his curls brushing fall down and brush against your cheek, ‘have you.. before?’ you ask cautiously. he’s not offended, even if he should be.

he has had sex before. only twice. when ellen had first joined hellfire, they had sorta had a year long fling which had ended after they had sex and ellen realised that maybe she didn’t actually like men. that was a super boost to his confidence. and then at senior prom when tina took great pity on him and somehow they ended up having sex in the back of his van.

he nods anyway, granted he’s not the most experienced but he’ll sure as hell try.

‘good,’ you smile, warm thighs wrapping around his torso as you reconnect your lips. it’s soft, gentle even. world’s apart from his previous encounters. this felt real, like you weren’t just kissing because you had to but because you wanted to.

it’s too cold in the trailer to care about removing your clothes, though he’s sure that’ll change in a minute. focussing on getting his tongue inside of your mouth, rutting against your pajama shorts. the friction causing his already semi-hard dick to rise, unable to contain the moan from escaping.

a smirk flashes across his face as his hand drags your shorts down your legs, savouring every moment of being able to touch your bare, supple skin. his hand makes its way back up your legs, repositioning the one he could grasp back around his lower back.

he has trouble getting his boxers down, too excited to focus on being smooth about it. appreciating the feel of your hand tugging the fabric down. you’re barely kissing at this point, your lips connecting with the corner of his mouth, all messy as the anticipation takes over.

‘you sure?’ he asks, gazing down at you with hooded eyes. he could just about remember what to do. sending a quick prayer upstairs to not let him be utterly useless.

‘i’m sure,’ you breathe, the feel of your fingers tangled into the hair that covered the back of his neck.

‘okay..’ he nods, mostly to himself as he wraps a head around his cock, positioning himself at your entrance. taking a brief moment to just capture this moment in preparation of it never happening again.

the pleasure overcomes his body as he slides in, already almost losing himself as he fills you up. a soft moan escapes your lips, gripping onto his neck. he is acutely aware that his uncle is asleep on the other side of the old trailer so he muffles his face into your neck, lips connecting with your jaw bone, kissing any and every bit of skin exposed to him.

sex had never felt like this before. at best, it had felt slightly better than when he jerked off, but this was something else. eddie knows it’s cliche and is definitely only because you feel so fucking good around him, but it’s as if you were made for each other.

hands pressed into the pillow so hard that he wouldn’t be surprised if there were a permanent dent either side of your head. using everything within himself not to start hollering, eyes fluttering shut against your neck. he moves in and out at an agonisingly slow pace. the small room filling with the sounds of your soaking wet cunt. its undeniable to anyone with ears and he just hopes to god that wayne is still asleep.

his own low groans vibrating against your cheek, mouth hanging open as his thrusts grow faster. you’re panting softly directly into his ear, spurring him on. despite the feel of your perfect cunt around him, the best feeling is knowing that he’s making you feel good.

‘h-holy shit,’ he mumbles nonsensically into the crook of your neck, not allowing himself to come for air because he know that the second he looks at your face, he’ll cum.

your one hand is splayed out on his upper back, the other holding onto his sweaty neck beneath his mop of hair. whining his name into his ear, driving him into a frenzy with the sound of your breathy voice, desire rippling through your moans. he should tell you to be quiet but that’d be cruel and he’d rather take the shame of wayne knowing than not hearing you.

your legs shift higher the position allowing him to reach the golden spot, nudging the soft, spongy spot over and over. eddie figures you’re far more experienced than he is. with no offence meant to you but you obviously know what works. this is new territory for him, a closeness that he’d never known possible.

you’re engulfing him completely, every single one of his senses encompassed by you. you’re all he can see even with his eyes screwed shut, all he can hear, taste and smell. god knows you’re all he can feel, calves squeezing around his back and your perfect pussy tightening around him.

he groans, feeling his stomach begin to twist in that all too familiar feeling. orgasms had never felt so good, it’s like everything was dialled up to level ten. ‘i’m gonna.. shit- i’m gonna come,’ he babbles far too loudly.

every noise tumbling out of your mouth was pulling him closer, no record could ever come close to the sweet mewls that were slipping between your lips. his arms begin to tremble under his own weight. feeling your legs quivering around his waist as your orgasm begins to overtake your body, sinful noises echoing around the otherwise quiet trailer.

‘ohh fuck,’ he growls, feeling your walls clenching around him, it was like he’d been pushed over the edge. the only way he can begin to describe it was otherworldly, flashes of white light illuminate his eyelids.

images of your face accompany your honeyed whimpers and he has to pull out before he explodes. spurts of his release cover his hand and admittedly the back of your thigh. if he had any semblance of control, he’d have been embarrassed but he’s not exactly sure that he’s still on planet earth.

he dares to open his eyes, watching as your chest heaves below him clinging onto his forearm with desperate fingertips. you’re looking up at him as if he’s the only person you’d ever seen. mouth slack as you regain your breath.

‘jesus christ,’ he whispers, hand resting on your angled knee as he floats back down to your planet.

eddie clambers off of the bed with a grunt, wiping a hand over his sweaty face. reaching down to grab his previously discarded towel. it wasn’t the epitome of romance but he darent to leave his room, petrified that wayne had just heard that entire encounter.

he’s a gentleman, of course, running the towel over your thigh to clean his mess. offering you a tiny shrug as if to say sorry. rather suddenly he feels rather conscious of himself, refusing to look at you as his cheeks flame.

it’s ridiculous. he’d just been buried between your legs and yet now couldn’t even look you in the fucking eyes.

before he gets up again, your hand reaches out, curling around his t-shirt. ‘stop,’ using his shirt as leverage for you to sit up.

in one quick movement, you’re placing a tiny onto his lips. a reassurance he really shouldn’t have needed but he appreciates nonetheless.

‘don’t do that,’ you hush, millimetres from his face, the shadow of his broken blinds shine upon your cheek. it hurts him to know that someone would dare look at you and want to hurt you.

if it were possible, he’d take all of your pain and carry it with him instead.

‘okay..’ he nods, resisting the urge to apologise once again.

you giggle and it sounds like the heavens have opened, pulling his body on top of yours as his bed makes an almighty squeak. if wayne wasn’t already awake, he certainly would be now.

-

eddie doesn’t know where the fuck you are.

you hadn’t come back to the trailer after work last night and now you’re nowhere to be found. you were supposed to start half an hour ago but hadn’t turned up and now his heart is pounding, mind racing at the horrific possibilities of what could’ve happened.

at first, he’d thought maybe he said something wrong? he’d just thrown out the suggestion of going to get the rest of your things and moving them in here while you got back on your feet. he hadn’t meant to push you out, god no, that was the last thing he wanted.

maybe stupidly he had presumed you wanted your own space. whatever the hell was going on between you two was so fresh, he didn’t want to even chance fucking it up.

the guilt wracks his brain, tempted to drop everything to drive around this tiny town looking for you. he’s so stupid. should’ve just kept his mouth shut and enjoyed it while you were there.

he’s just about to tell james that he’s leaving when the door to the bar opens and a rough looking man comes through with you held tightly underneath his arm. your eyes avoiding his direction, staring at the floor as the mystery man ushers you towards the back, making himself comfortable at the bar.

eddie’s heart shatters into a million pieces, watching open mouthed as you disappear into the back.

judging by the look on james’ face, he recognises him, reluctantly pouring his beer as they engage in useless small talk.

‘thought i’d better sit in for her shift.. wouldn’t want her running off again,’ the man announces, beady eyes glaring right into his soul.

eddie knows who he is. he’d never seen him before but he could tell. they all had that sinister aura about them, like they could flip at any given moment. his dad was the same, walking on egg shells around him just in case he said the wrong thing or looked at him the wrong way.

you emerge from the staff room, still vehemently avoiding eye contact, a shell of the you he saw just yesterday. ‘hey.. you okay?’ eddie asks, but it falls flat as you walk off without so much as a look back towards him.

he can’t believe it, how you could be so different so quickly. as if the past few weeks you’d spent together had meant nothing. he can’t blame you. not really. it’s a cycle and he knows better than anyone that it takes a thousand attempts to actually break out of it.

his shoulders slump as he rushes out the back, refusing to look at that assholes face any longer. willing himself to get a grip and not jump over that bar to strangle the piece of shit right now.

a hand clamps down on his shoulder and for a brief moment he thinks he might be you until james clears his throat, shuffling on his feet behind him, ‘you can’t save her man,’ squeezing his shoulder firmly, ‘you think we haven’t tried?’

eddie sniffs, shrugging him off. he didn’t appreciate the patronising tone in which james was speaking to him.

because god knows, if he couldn’t save his mom, there’s no fucking chance he’s not saving you.

[coffeeandbatboys]

Helloooooo!

Congratulating you muchly on your follower milestone, so kriffing proud of you!

For the prompts, could I please request

Echo (tbb)

7

🥰

Thank you and congrats again, you are AMAZING!!

Thankuuuu!! Oml as soon as I checked which prompt this was I started getting ideas!

Prompt is: Writing little notes on post-its and leaving them in random places to read.

270 follower celebration og post

Warnings: none. Echo being a cute lil shit from across the galaxy. Reader works at Cid’s tavern

Flimsi love notes (Tbb!Echo x Reader)

The first one you found was in your apron. His Aurabesh might have been a little screwed since his left hand wasn’t his dominant, but you could read Echo’s handwriting anywhere.

“If you’re reading this I’m probably thinking of you cyare. Love you and be safe. I’ll be back soon.”

Ever since the Bad Batch had stumbled into Cid’s tavern, you’d had your eye on him. To this day he couldn’t understand why out of every member of the batch you chose him, but hey. He couldn’t complain.

There would always be one where he knew you’d see it every time he was away. Sometimes they would be tucked behind the mirror in your ‘fresher, other times in your bag, or under your pillow where he knew you’d slide your hand before you went to sleep.

Cid’s growl came from across the room.

“Hey laser brain! Bar needs to be cleaned off. There’s another note over here for ya. You kriffing lovebirds are going to be the death of me.”

You sighed and picked up the washrag, only stopping to take a peek at the aforementioned note.

“How’s my Mesh’la doing today, huh? Call me later tonight.”

Maker, this man might not be perfect, but he was certainly trying. You finished your shift at the bar and walked home, anticipating to hear his voice after a long day. You dropped your bag at the door and flopped down on the bed, pulling out your comm.

“Mesh’la?” He answered. You smiled at the warmth in his voice.

“I got your note, Echo. You are the sweetest.”

He laughed, voice low and raspy. “I try my best. How was your day?”

“Long and boring. I’m about ready to quit and demand that Hunter let me join you guys.”

“That wouldn’t be a bad idea, but some training would be needed.”

“Well lucky me I’ve got one of the best ARC troopers for a boyfriend.”

“I’m the only ARC trooper you know, Mesh’la.”

“And you’re the best in my book.”

“Can you do something for me really quick?”

Your eyebrows scrunched. “Sure?”

“Unlock your door.”

You didn’t move. “What?”

“Unlock the door!”

Something clicked in your head and you scrambled off of the bed to your front door. Throwing it open, you practically burst with happiness when you saw him.

“ECHO!” You screeched, throwing yourself into his arms. He laughed lightly. “We got done early. Figured you could use another surprise to keep you on your toes.”

“I’ve come to expect anything and everything from you, Echo.” You mumbled into his shoulder. “Just never know what’s next.”

He pressed a kiss to your temple and nuzzled his nose in your hair.

“Love you Mesh’la. So much.”

You tighten your arms around him. “Love you too, Echo. Even more.”

[arc852]

22. Lost

Definition: unable to find one's way

Summary: Skizz gets lost within the walls of the dorm building.

G/t: Skizz is a borrower

Word Count: 668

AO3 Link

This takes place within the BBBCAU! Take it as a hint for future plans I have for this au. Enjoy!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 “Dang it, I think I got turned around…” Skizz muttered to himself as he looked behind him. Unfortunately, within the walls like this, everything looked pretty much the same. He sighed and decided to continue on forward.

 This was why he hadn’t ventured into the walls until now. It was easy to get lost in such a big building, and the college dorms were definitely big. But Skizz was bored because Impulse decided to take a few extra classes this semester. And Skizz could only take so much monotone lecturing. So he had decided against going with Impulse today. But that meant he needed to find himself something to do.

 Despite being here at college with Impulse for two years now, Skizz had seen no reason in going into the walls. Call him spoiled or whatever, but he didn’t like how dusty or dark they were. He sometimes wondered to himself how he ever even lived within them, way back before he met Impulse.

 He shook his head, bringing his focus back to try and figure out a way back to Impulse’s dorm room. Maybe he had taken a right when he should have taken a left? Or had he just been going around in a circle this whole time?

 Skizz sighed and realized he would never really know.

 He pushed through though, since that was the only thing he could do at this point. But as he continued on, he stopped and spotted something different from the rest of the wall's path. He recognized it only due to living in one himself so long ago.

 Without thinking much, he went over to it and opened the makeshift door. It was a borrower's home. Nestled right along the path and made out to resemble a human’s room as much as possible. Skizz took in the sight, filled with a bit of nostalgia. “Man, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen one of these…” It had been a long time since he had seen another borrower as well but it didn’t look like anyone was home right now.

 Actually, looking at how dusty and unkempt things had gotten, Skizz would say no one has lived here in months. The thought saddened Skizz a little. He had been hoping to maybe meet and make friends with the borrower but it seemed like whoever had lived here had moved on a while ago.

 Well, if this place had been abandoned, then no one would mind if Skizz looked around a bit. There wasn’t much in the way of borrowing supplies, the borrower had seemed to take all of that with them, which wasn’t surprising. There was no food either, which was good, otherwise it would have smelt awful in there. There were still a ton of fabric scraps, all in a pile by the bed and the borrower part of Skizz’s brain itched to take some, but he pushed it down. He didn’t need it, he had everything he could possibly ever need and want thanks to Impulse.

 He continued to look before coming across a post-it note that had seemed to have fallen off the wall. He picked it up, turning it over to give it a look. It took him a second to figure it out but when he did, his eyes went wide. It was a map of the dorm layout, including all the entrances in and out of the walls in various places.

 Skizz grinned. “Oh you just saved my butt, mysterious borrower.” He said out loud. He looked across the map, knowing Impulse’s dorm was 5 doors down from the stairs on the second floor. He found it easily and it looked like he wasn’t even that far from it! 

 He folded up the post-it note and shoved it into his inner jacket pocket just in case before leaving the makeshift room and heading back into the main part of the walls. Thanks to this map, he was gonna make it home in no time.

[moonlightspencie]

hear me out… washing the impala at the bunker with dean when you’re bored. please and thank you 🫶🏼

literally rbed a gifset of him doing that exact thing earlier today. i’m feral for this scene {and the entire episode} so my brain is running wild rn hehe (also the quote from said episode, “i’m mostly confused” was one of my first handles on tumblr)

pairing: dean winchester x gn!reader

—————

You strolled around the bunker, frankly unsure what to do with yourself without the absolute urgency of chasing down some big bad. Not even a casual case had come up in a couple days, and you were growing a bit restless.

You finally ran into Sam after wandering for a while, catching him as he made a sandwich in the kitchen.

“Hey,” you greeted briefly, walking over to steal a piece of ham.

You chewed on it as he glanced at you with a quirked brow. He chuckled softly, then sighed.

“Hey,” he finally said. “You done eating my sandwich ingredients?”

“It was one piece of ham, Sammy.”

“Sam,” he corrected.

“I’ve been living with y’all for how long?”

He paused, then shook his head softly with a smile.

“You doing anything today?” you asked, hopping up on the counter.

He watched you for a moment. “Not really.”

“Ugh,” you groaned.

“What?” he asked, laughing.

“I’m bored,” you exclaimed. “We’re all cooped up, I need to… I need to do something.”

“I don’t know what to tell you,” he shrugged. “I’m gonna eat my sandwich.”

You sighed hard. “Where’s Dean?”

“Garage. I think he’s washing the cars.”

“All of em?”

“Probably,” he said with a smirk. “Go bother him.”

“Bother him? You think I’m bothering you?”

“Yes.”

You scoffed playfully, hopping off the counter. You started walking away, but made sure to get the last word in.

“One of these days I’ll be long gone and you’re gonna miss me like crazy, Sammy.”

He smiled again, not able to get in a word as you left for the garage.

You heard music playing before you even got to the door, opening it carefully and walking inside. You saw him, soaking the impala in soap and water, just a black t-shirt and jeans.

At least he wasn’t wearing the short-shorts this time.

You let yourself watch him for a few moments, never not in awe as to how someone could look so good in a plain black t-shirt. Eventually you decided to stop creeping on him and headed towards him instead.

“Hey,” he said as soon as he saw you.

“Hey. You need help?” you asked, lingering near the hood as he wiped down the windshield. “And by that I mean, please let me help. I’m dying to do something.”

He smiled, nodding towards the suds-filled bucket.

“Grab a sponge.”

You picked up the other sponge from the bucket, wasting no time in scrubbing down the roof of the car. You both listened to the music, slowly but surely getting every nook and cranny of the vehicle. You were working on one of the back wheel wells when Dean grabbed your attention.

“Hey, trade-off,” he said, tossing a newly-wet sponge in your direction.

Unfortunately for you, he didn’t give enough of a verbal warning. The heavy sponge hit you in the leg, knocking you off your balance and making you land straight on your butt. You opened your mouth in a feigned offense.

“You dick,” you said, laughing lightly.

He laughed at you, not even bothering to help you back up. You scrambled up, slamming the sponge on top of the car and grabbing the hose. You called for him, stopping him from laughing right as you sprayed him with the hose, effectively soaking his shirt.

His eyes went wide, freezing in his motions for a few seconds.

“You little—”

He started after you, not stopping even as you started spraying him again.

“No!” you squealed.

He closed in, grabbing you and effectively trapping you against the car. He wrestled the hose from your hand, turning it on you.

“How do you like it?”

You screamed and laughed, trying to push him off. He was relentless, giggling with glee as he soaked you completely. You reached behind you to get the sponge, wringing it out over his head. Luckily for you, it shocked him enough to get out of his grip. Unluckily for you, he quickly recovered and caught up to you before you could get far.

“You’re not getting away that easy,” he muttered.

He grabbed you from behind as you tried running, pulling you into his chest. His arms wrapped around you, holding your arms to your chest. You laughed hard, trying to wriggle away.

“You’re so mean,” you yelled, his grip only tightening.

“Don’t start what you can’t finish,” he said into your ear, clearly proud of himself.

“Whoa,” you heard Sam’s voice. “Should I give you two some privacy?”

You stood up a little straighter, looking in his direction. Dean only slightly loosened his grip.

“We’re washing the car,” you stated as if he didn’t just walk in with fully functional eyes.

He merely quirked a brow. “You two look cleaner than the car.”

“She started it,” Dean said quickly.

You craned your neck to see him behind you, giving him a sour look.

“You threw a sponge at me.”

“You hosed me down.”

Sam nodded slowly, backing out of the room quietly to retreat.

“Not fair,” you said, almost smiling again.

“Very fair,” he stated.

“Let me go,” you laughed.

“No way,” he said, only holding on tighter. “This is your punishment.”

You smirked. “If you really wanted to cuddle this bad, you could’ve just asked, you know?”

“How much you gonna let me ask for?”

“Not much I wouldn’t,” you said, hoping this wasn’t crossing any lines.

He hummed, an obvious smile in his voice, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Apparently, he didn’t care much about a crossed line or two.

check out the drabble masterlist | send requests for more

[lemonluvgirl]

Ok, so this idea just would not leave me alone. I told my husband about this idea for a three-chapter Everlark modern high school AU and he really liked it and told me I should write it. So, here is the first part.

August

Junior year

Panem HS

Another year, another seat in the back of the class next to the window. Another bland teacher introduction followed by the passing out of the class syllabus. Then come the dreaded icebreakers. 

Never mind that we live in a town of less than 3,000, or that our graduating class will have less than 200 members if every one of us manages to make it through the next two years of high school. And forget the fact that we’ve all been in the same grade together since kindergarten. Every single year our teachers insist on forcing us to ‘get to know each other’. 

If I don’t already know the favorite season and holiday of the person sitting next to me by now I probably never will. (It’s Delly Cartwright, and hers are summer and Christmas respectively) 

But everything about this class, about this day, hell, probably about this entire year will be completely predictable. The brains, like BT Latier will work their asses off to get top grades, and the sportos like Cato Anderson will try to copy their homework and cheat off them during tests. Girls like Galinda ‘Glimmer’ Franklin and Clove Moretti will ignore the no cell phones rule and regularly update their Twitter and Instagram during the lecture and will only get called out about 40% of the time. 

The rest of us will just muddle through, hopefully paying enough attention to pass the exams and avoid remedial tutoring in the library with Ms. Trinket who, contrary to first impressions, is not a vapid airhead who wears too much makeup and hairspray but in reality, is a total hard ass and does everything in her power to make sure the kids she tutors pass their classes. My life is all about reducing stress and hassle, so I’ll be avoiding her at all costs this year. Besides it’s much easier to just pass the first time around than have to deal with the fallout from failing. 

So I inwardly roll my eyes at the whole charade of introductions and do my best to try and look only mildly bored. 

When it gets to my turn I don’t bother standing up. 

“My name is Katniss Everdeen. I’m 17. I’m stubborn and good with a bow and that’s pretty much it.” I say dryly, and it gets a few chuckles. 

After that, the spotlight of my peer’s attention moves on and no one spares me a second glance. Which is exactly how I prefer it. Everyone here already knows I’m not very interesting. I hate the whole school spirit scene, and I’m not in any clubs or on any committees. The last time I was voluntarily a part of something, was five years ago. I quit track in middle school so I could spend more time hunting in the woods to supplement the money from my father’s income that we lost after his death. I’ve gotten so good at it that Mr. Abernathy, the owner of the local sporting goods store, took me on as a seasonal hire last summer. I parlayed that summer gig into a year-round job that helps keep food on my family’s table, and shoes on my little sister’s feet. 

My life is a series of responsibilities and expectations that my classmates could never relate to. And their lives are a carefree existence of parties, dances, and soap-opera drama that I have no interest in. 

They live in their little bubbles and I live in the real world and we will go on co-existing in this way until graduation breaks the cycle. 

I zone out of the rest of the class. We won’t do much work today if at all, so I allow myself the small indulgence of looking out the window and planning for this year’s hunting season which is set to open up for archery on the first of October. 

That leaves me only a few weeks to finish getting the permits and stock up on the needed supplies. 

This year will be harder than the years before since I’ll be hunting alone. My best friend and hunting partner, Gale Hawthorne, graduated and left for Maryland this past summer. He’ll be in Annapolis, training to become an officer and a marine while I’ll be up to my elbows in wild turkey and white-tail deer. 

Even though I’m happy for him, I can’t help but feel saddened by his absence. Now there will be no one to watch my back in the woods. No one to help me carry a hundred or more pound buck back if I manage to bring one down like I did two years ago. 

The only thing I can think of is maybe asking my boss, Haymitch if I can borrow his truck and if I can rig up a travois then—

The bell rings and I’m snapped out of my thoughts by the shuffle of feet and the whoops of excitement and laughter that my classmates let out at the sound of the last period ending. 

I pick up my old hunter-green JanSport, that’s due for another patch of duck tape soon, sling it over one shoulder and make my way to the door. 

My exit is delayed by the clump of jocks jostling each other playfully around the doorframe. I breathe out an annoyed huff as I wait for them to pass. 

One of them, one of the kinder ones, turns around and shoots me an apologetic look, bright, clear blue eyes shine back at me for a moment before his friends call his attention and pull him roughly behind them. A piece of folded-up paper falls out of the side pocket of his backpack in the midst of this and lands at my feet. 

I swoop down to pick it up and my mouth opens to call out his name but the words died on my lips before they can slip off my tongue. 

I catch sight of something completely unexpected when I automatically glance down at the paper in my hand. It's the letters K.E. inscribed neatly on the corner that spark my curiosity and prompt my hand to open up the folded paper to see what’s inside. 

I lose my ability to speak, to even think for a moment because it’s me. 

I’m staring down at a picture of my own face, straight dark hair pulled back into an unseen braid that hangs down my back, while a few stray pieces fall around my eyes, framing an oval-shaped face, dark brows perch surreptitiously over slanted grey eyes and a straight nose above a generous mouth that’s for once not tilted down into a frown, but is instead caught in a relaxed position, not quite smiling but something like the ghost of it, is settled on my lips. And my head is tilted to the side, curiously. 

I have no idea when he caught me making this expression. Maybe when I was looking out the window? When did he draw this? Why did he draw this? Is this some sort of practice for art class? I think he takes Ms. Portia’s intermediate art class at the same time I take shop. I’ve seen him going into that wing of the school because it’s right across from the shop building. Maybe he’s just practicing his life study skills. Maybe he’s taking turns drawing everyone in our history class. 

I move forward and stick my head out the door, calling out, “Peeta,” but the hallway is empty. 

I look back down at the drawing in my hand and fold it back up carefully, before slipping it into the most secure pocket of my backpack, thinking I’ll give it back to him tomorrow.

[itsjustadesperatemutt]

BIG TW - burning/branding, piercing, needles, genital mutilation

Thinking a lot about being hurt by a sadist in ways that will permanently change my body, stripping me of my autonomy and using me as their perverted art project

Piercing my tits and pussy, the more times the better. They give me a set of rings running up each of my pussy lips so they can either tie me shut, or hold my pussy open, at any time. they give me a septum ring and tongue piercings, and use them to tie me places by my face. they could leave me there for hours like that, nose and tongue stuck to the floor and unable to move unless I want to seriously injure myself.

once they’re pierced, the sadist burns my nipples so badly that I can’t feel any sensation in them, and brands my tits with degrading words and pretty designs. They use anything around to burn me - cigarettes, incense sticks, matches and lighters. One day they turn on the electric stove and instruct me to hold my nipples to the burner, under threat that if I don’t they’ll press my whole chest down and hold me there.

Once my tits are perfectly destroyed, they up the stakes. They strap me down, piercings holding me open, and use a plasma pen on my boypussy. they pull back my foreskin and use it right on the head. They could carve so many pretty designs right onto my clit, maybe a spiral coming out from the center or ridges burned into the glans. They mutilate my inner labia too, carving designs and burning little holes through them with the plasma pen.

I think they must be done, but soon I heal and then they move on to my ass. They brand their full name onto my ass cheeks, deep burns that will leave lifelong scars. They also brand the words “anal slut” onto my ass, one word for each side. Soon after they strap me down once again and spread my ass, roughly shoving in a metal spreader and stretching me to my limit. They then methodically burn around the rim of my asshole. With the skin stretched so tight they barely have to do anything to make the skin blister and break. I know I would scream and scream, but it would only get them off. Once I was burned all around the rim, they would give me a short break and burn the word “denied” into my taint. Still painful, but not as bad as what was to come. Next they move on to my inner walls. Each time they burn I can hear a little sizzle, damage being done to skin thats so sensitive and soft. I wonder lightly if I’ll ever heal from this, not that it matters at this point. I have no ownership over my own body. They run another white hot burn from deep inside my hole all the way up to the rim, and all those thoughts quickly leave my head as i shriek. I can hear them laugh and that combined with the pain makes me fuzzy.

For a while they’re mostly satisfied, the most they do is check in and re-brand old scars that are fading. Some days I even come to them with a report, showing them all the spots that need refreshing. Sometimes if they’re bored they’ll brand a few symbols or a new degrading label across my shoulders. I’m a happy painslut and things are steady.

Then, one day, I upset them. Doesn’t matter how, or even how bad. For the first time they decide to punish me. I’ve always been afraid of them, but today I worry that I might really be in danger. Somehow my brain has been so fucked by them, though, that I almost register the fear as a nice sensation. As they strap me to a table, I wonder what’s left to do to me. Maybe they’ll start an art piece on my stomach with the plasma pen, pushing me until I pass out and laughing at me the whole way.

Rather than their usual instruments of torture, however, they begin to lay out what looks like surgical equipment. Syringes full of liquid, scalpels, and stitching supplies. I ask what they’re doing and they ignore me, a glint in their eyes I’ve never seen before. I try to sit up and look, but they’ve strapped my neck down to the table. Any time I try to move my head up I choke myself. I feel a few pinpricks in my pussy, and then I feel the entire thing go numb. My mind starts racing, wondering what the sadist might be planning for me.

I can’t feel a thing, my only clue about what’s being done to me is the clinking of them setting things down or picking them up. Eventually, they instruct me to look at them. I obey, choking myself out as I turn my gaze down to them. When they’re finally in view my vision is blurring from the lack of oxygen, but I can make out them holding up a small piece of tissue with a set of foreceps. For the first time I can hear genuine glee in their voice as they as me what I think it is. My head falls back and I say that I don’t know, but a sick feeling has set over me.

They stand and dangle the little piece of tissue over my face, laughing when blood drips onto me. “It’s your clit!” they exclaim, and shake it in front of me again. That sick feeling fully settles in my stomach, and I almost retch thinking about what they’ve done to me. About how they’re mocking me with my own mutilated genitals, waving my clit in front of my face with unrestrained glee like it’s a toy. Because to them it is.

Before they go to sit back down and stitch me up, they toss my clit to the side. Their whole demeanor changes as they get right in my face and whisper to me, “Never cross me again. Your clit is only the first thing I’ll take from you, but every single body part you still have is owned by me. Today may be the last day you ever feel pleasure from that pussy again, but you still have plenty of parts for me to reclaim. Never forget that.”

[delilaahh9]

Bed Rest

November 10th, 2023

The morning light was soft, streaming through the curtains of Gemma’s room as she lay in bed, her collarbone still aching despite the medication she was taking. The dull throb had become a constant companion, and though the sling helped, it still made everyday tasks feel impossible. Her parents were at work, and it was just her and Will for now. She could hear the faint sound of him moving around downstairs, the scrape of a chair against the kitchen floor as he made himself some breakfast.

It was the second day of her recovery at home, and though she was grateful for the quiet, she was already getting restless. She didn’t like being still. She missed the constant activity, the team, the ice. But for now, all she could do was wait and heal.

Her phone buzzed on the nightstand. James’s name flashed on the screen. She quickly grabbed it with her good hand, wincing slightly as her arm twinged.

James: “How are you feeling? Any better?”

Gemma smiled at the text. The thought of him checking in always made her feel a little lighter, even if they were miles apart. She typed back:

Gemma: *“Getting there. It’s frustrating, though. I hate not being able to do anything.”*

She hit send and laid the phone down, letting out a sigh. Just then, she heard the door creak open, and Will stuck his head in, his usual goofy grin spreading across his face when he saw her.

“Hey, slacker, how’s the bedrest going?” he teased, stepping into the room with a coffee mug in hand.

“Could be worse,” she said, rolling her eyes. “But I’m getting really good at watching Netflix and feeling sorry for myself.”

He chuckled, setting the mug down on the desk before coming to sit on the edge of the bed. “I’ve got some snacks if you’re interested,” he said, pulling out a bag of chips from his backpack and offering them to her.

“You spoil me,” she said with a smile, accepting the chips and munching on a few. “You know, I could get used to this.”

“Yeah, well, enjoy it while it lasts.” He reached over to grab her phone off the nightstand, glancing at the screen. “Ooh, James checking in?”

She nodded, biting her lip. “Yeah. He’s been texting me all morning.”

Will raised an eyebrow. “You two getting all soft on each other?”

Gemma laughed, shaking her head. “No. He just knows I’m bored, and I’m probably a little grumpy about being stuck here.”

“Well, it sounds like you two are already getting pretty cute, even from across the world,” Will teased, nudging her gently.

She rolled her eyes, feeling her cheeks heat up. “It’s nothing like that.”

“I’m just saying,” he said, smiling with a knowing look. “I’ve been around long enough to see when you’re *not* interested. And when you are.” He winked at her, clearly enjoying the chance to poke fun.

Gemma groaned and grabbed the pillow, shoving it over her face in mock embarrassment. “I can’t believe you.”

Will laughed and took the pillow away from her. “Hey, don’t go hiding. I’m trying to make sure you’re entertained so you don’t drive yourself crazy.”

“Not possible,” she said with a grin, pulling her phone back over and quickly responding to James.

Gemma: “I’m good. Just hanging out with my brother, trying not to complain too much.”

She sent the message and turned her attention back to Will, who was already flicking through the TV remote to find something to watch.

“So, what are we watching today?” Will asked, plopping back down on the bed beside her.

She groaned, flopping back into the pillows. “Anything that doesn’t require thinking. My brain is fried from all the shows I’ve already binged.”

Just as Will was about to respond, her phone buzzed again. James had replied:

James: “I know you’re bored. But take it easy, okay? I’ll check in again later. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to text.”

“See, he’s worried,” she said, her voice soft.

Will raised an eyebrow. “That’s the kind of guy who’s always gonna have your back.”

“Yeah,” she said, feeling a warmth spread through her chest. “I know.”

She glanced over at her brother, who was already settling in to watch the TV, clearly comfortable with the quiet routine of the day.

Her phone buzzed again, this time with a message from her mom:

Mom: *“Just checking in. Let us know if you need anything. Love you!”*

Gemma smiled and typed back quickly:

Gemma: *“Love you too. I’m good for now.”*

As she put her phone down, Will nudged her again. “Don’t feel bad about it, okay? It’s okay to be a little lazy for now. I’ve got you covered.”

She smiled gratefully, her heart feeling full at the sight of her brother, always there to distract her from the frustration of being sidelined. “Thanks, Will.”

“I’m the best nurse ever,” he said with a grin. “But if you need anything from me, just let me know. I can even make you lunch if you’re desperate.”

Gemma laughed. “You? Cooking? I’ll survive on these chips, thanks.”

As the day wore on, Will popped in and out of her room, bringing snacks, cracking jokes, and checking in on her when her parents were working. Her mom and dad texted her constantly, reminding her to rest, and offering advice on how to manage the pain. Even her dad called during his lunch break to make sure she was okay.

By evening, when her parents finally came home, they settled in the living room with her. She was surrounded by the people who cared most about her, and despite the frustration of being out of commission, Gemma couldn’t help but feel grateful. She was going to heal—she knew that. And, with the support of her family and James, she wasn’t alone.

Before bed, her phone buzzed once more. It was James:

James: “Hope your arm’s doing okay. I miss you already. Rest up, Gem. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Gemma smiled at the message, feeling the weight of it all lift a little. She might be stuck on bed rest, but at least she wasn’t alone. Not with Will there, not with her parents calling her every few hours, and not with James checking in from halfway across the world.

She typed back quickly:

Gemma: “Thanks, James. Miss you too. I’ll rest, promise.”

As she put her phone down and settled into bed, Will gave her one last playful nudge before heading off to bed himself.

“Get some sleep, lazy,” he teased, flicking off the light.

“Don’t tell me what to do,” she said with a smile, pulling the covers up.

But as she closed her eyes, she couldn’t help but think that, despite being injured, life felt pretty good. She was surrounded by the people who mattered most.

[greenerteacups]

Long ask ahead! Sorry in advance for my rambling!

I’m a huge fan of Lionheart! (Latest update got me furious btw, your Umbridge characterization is amazing; i need. Revenge. the woman is vile)

my long ask today is on the topic of writing fanfics, or beginning to; i’ve been a fan of hp for a longish (?) time (i am currently in my first year of college, so since elementary school) and i want to start dipping my toes in writing fanfics, esp dramione. problem is, i have all these grand plans and ideas but i struggle with motivation and perfectionism — especially perfectionism. this has been a long standing problem on my end, but if every line is not to “my standard, or “perfect”, i feel deeply dissatisfied and i find it impossible to move on. i’m also very flighty — i get distracted easily, and lose momentum. i have so many ideas that i want to try out that i end up having a plethora of projects, none with a resolution. do you deal with this? what are your biggest struggles with writing? how do you move past them?

i also would like to say that i know that you’ve stated that writing is all for fun, but if you were to get published, i would 100% buy! i really hope you’re doing something in the creative industry, because really, your writing is amazing.

Hey, what up! Thanks so much!

If you'll permit a bit of tough love: it sounds like you don't really like writing those projects. There are a lot of reasons someone might leave a project, but when it comes to free hobby writing, if you've abandoned something, Occam's Razor, it's because you don't want to do it anymore.

And BTW: that's fine. You're not legally obligated to finish stuff. You're not under contract. If you're a hobby writer, your sole obligation is to have fun and please yourself. I've written tons of stories without middles or endings; I've got dozens of 3 or 4-chapter would-be longfics sitting on my drive, with absolutely no intention to finish them. I'm totally fine with that. This is something I do for fun. Why would I bully myself about not being sufficiently "productive" in something I'm doing for fun?

But it sounds like maybe you want to finish a fic, and/or see finishing as a prerequisite to publishing, in which case: you need to keep writing a project after you're bored or dissatisfied with it. In fact, I'd go so far as to suggest that you should go back through your drive, find the project you like least, and force yourself to write 1-2 pages on it. Because you are never going to be as pleased with what you've written as you are with the fake perfect story in your head. Even the worst, shittiest, misspelled, poorly plotted story that exists is better than the fake perfect story, because it exists, and is real writing, rather than just being the concept of something that is well-written. Abandoning a story because it doesn't live up to the hype is like refusing to eat because what's on the plate isn't as good as the Platonic concept of a chocolate cake. Like, of course it's not, dude! You didn't imagine it as having flaws!

It seems like you know that, which suggests that you need to force yourself to write something that you don't want to. So try shorter stuff! Writing short stories is a great way to learn the tools of the trade while giving yourself less time to burn out. Make it easy on yourself. And like, remember to forgive yourself. There are some things you can bully your brain into doing. Sincere and authentic art is not one of them.

[mojavepumpkin]

2/24/24

i deleted reddit today. so, that’s every social media, besides this i guess. but i don’t really use this for anything but writing the journal (or blog?) entries. i don’t know how to feel. someone said that it wouldn’t last ( i agree). i’ve been on reddit every day for the past 6 years - irreparably damaged. i have pinterest too, and youtube. but im never getting rid of those. i’m not completely sure why im even trying to do this. to make myself better, i guess? i want to stop wasting time. that’s why. i need to remember that.

it was perfect outside today. beautiful. maybe too windy? the moon was very full and a little orange coming up. i spent all day outside, trying to decide if i feel fulfilled. listened to two podcasts, had a good time. we had a small family get-together, it was fun. ate oysters, i like them more than i previously thought. tomorrow is sunday, which is my least favorite day of the week, ill try to stop thinking about it.

my sister is home. sometimes i forget that we lived together for 13 years. when she comes home it’s like nothing changed. she hasn’t.

do you think it’s good for my brain to be bored? like, maybe i should learn how to practice mindlessness - or is that mindfulness. periods where you just don’t think. i need to learn how to do that. i need to start leaving my phone in places that im not. i wish i had a beeper in the case that i got a text or so i could leave my phone a place without worrying about hannah having texted me. i also wish i could listen to podcasts at night without having my phone be there to potentially ring so that i look at it. maybe i should get a pager, or an apple watch, an apple watch would actually be very helpful.

anyway. need to read a book. or something.

[episodicnostalgia]

Reading Break: “Retiring” from comic book collecting

The Reading Break continues, mainly because work is still hindering my ability to write structured reviews with any regularity.  It’s a bit of a bummer, because I genuinely enjoy writing them, and it’s made blogging fun for me, but doing so requires more mental energy than I can currently afford to spend.  Sometimes you just gotta prioritize payin’ them bills, and staying alive. In the meantime, I don’t want to sacrifice writing altogether, because I value this platform as an outlet, and since it is MY flippin’ blog, I figure I’ll just relax the structure a bit and write about other shit; less episodic, and more nostalgic, I suppose.

So anyways.  Comic Books.

More of my leisure time has been spent reading comics these days, and if you’ve been tuning into any of my most recent posts, then you already know that I’ve been on something of a Spider-man kick for a while, and that’s unlikely to change in the immediate future.  Obviously, the fact that I’ve been reviewing the 90’s cartoon has fanned the flames of my current fixation, but it’s been a long time coming.  Over the past few years I’ve been casually focused on completing my ideal Spidey-Comics-collection, and I’m very nearly finished.

Incidentally, that also means that I will also be, by-and-large, finished actively collecting comic books altogether.

Technically I kind of “stopped collecting” (heavy on the quotations there) shortly after DC’s ‘New 52’ reboot kicked off.  It wasn’t that I particularly disliked the changes, but I found myself lacking the energy to maintain my interest.  Since Marvel wasn't exactly doing anything more appealing (and the MCU was still scratching that itch), I just stopped altogether. To this day, I haven’t really felt that I’ve been missing out. 

I’m still prone to casually glancing at subreddits, Wikipedia blogs, and the occasional review/pop-culture think piece, just to check in on all my old fictional friends, and see how they’re doing.  Superman and Lois have a kid who grew up, and also became another Superman. Batman and Catwoman got married, and then unmarried, I think?  I know it resulted a in a bunch of fans getting angry. I understand Miles Morales has been transported to the 616 universe (after his was destroyed), and I seem to recall that Wolverine was dead for a while. Maybe he still is?

I admittedly I did start reading the new Ultimate Spider-man, and intend to continue doing so, but I’ll drop it in a heartbeat if I get bored, meanwhile the other books in the new ‘Ultimate’ line don’t really appeal at all. I’m not trying be pretentious either; All the new stuff being published today looks like it’s probably reasonably entertaining, and there are some fantastic new artists working in the industry, but I’ve just mostly had my fill.

That said, there were a decent number of older issues that I’d always wanted to read when I was a kid, but never got to.  So, shortly after I stopped buying any of the new books coming out (a little over a decade ago), I began removing the issues that I had no intention of re-reading, to make room for the various ‘missing’ issues I needed to complete my "essential" collection once and for all.

After all, is any reading list complete without Super-merman?

During my comic-hunt, there are two characters who I predominantly focused on: Superman (Merman or otherwise) & Spider-man (there are no Spider-mermen. Because that would be stupid.)

Two-or-three years ago, I successfully completed my collection of Superman comics ranging between late 1986 to early 1995.  That’s the era that includes, among other things:

Lex faking his death, swapping his brain into an enhanced clone body, and returning with a full head of hair as his own super hot, Secret, Australian-raised son, aka Lex Luthor II.  I’m not making any of that up, but it’s actually a great Lex Luthor arc, and I mean that unapologetically.

Lois getting engaged to Clark, and being trusted with his super-secret. (And also, hilariously, in that order.)

The artificial protoplasmic lifeform aka ‘Matrix-Supergirl’ from “the pocket dimension,” who easily ranks as my favourite iteration of the Supergirl property.

The evil Kryptonian AI aka “The Eradicator,” and of course…

The world-famous ‘Death of Superman’

As ridiculously 90’s as that all sounds (and was), it was a truly solid 8-year run that has (in my millennial opinion) never been matched for its combined quality, diverse-and-dynamic supporting cast (which no other set of writers have ever come close to utilizing as effectively), and tight continuity. Most importantly, by the beginning of ‘95, the story sort-of comes to a natural close that leaves our characters happy, with most of the major arcs and plotlines resolved. 

That itself is nothing short of a small miracle for an ongoing comic book series to achieve, and so I’ve always privately considered that to be "the end" of MY definitive Superman story. That respective collection begins with ‘Man of Steel’ #1, spans across the four Superman books of-the-time (plus select mini-series, annuals, and crossovers), and ends with ‘Action Comics’ #706, some 350-odd issues later. 

It's an impressive achievement in storytelling that seems to finally be getting more recognition (from what I’ve seen on various forums and subreddits), but I still don’t think it gets enough credit for allowing our beloved Kryptonian’s story to move forward for (arguably) the first time in the character’s then-50+ years of existence. Suffice to say, while it was no small feat tracking down each of the necessary back-issues, it was relatively simple process to figure out WHICH issues I needed to buy, since it was all part of one consecutive run.

Finishing my Spider-man Collection was a little trickier.

Technically, the Spider-man books have never broken their continuity (with some room for debate, but I don’t feel like getting into that), and as such, any truly complete collection of the 616* Spider-man would span several thousand issues, many of which I don't consider essential reading.  So it’s been a longer, more meticulous process of figuring out which artists, writers, and story arcs I actually want to sink money into. 

[*616 = The OG Marvel universe from the comics]

With a few exceptions (and where I’ve had to accept trade paperback collections as a vital alternative to spending at LEAST several tens-of-thousands of dollars), I’ve now collected nearly all of the main eras throughout Spidey’s career that interest me.  I’ve very nearly completed the Roger Stern run,  along with a healthy sampling of Tom Defalco’s work, leaving me roughly 10 issues away from my goal.

If you care to know, it comes to the equivalent of some 420+ issues from the various 616 Spidey books, between Amazing Fantasy #15, to The Amazing Spider-man #508. 

Why stop there? Because much of what has come out beyond that point feels either like a departure from, or a retread of, the character I grew up with. I don’t begrudge anyone who enjoys the current Spidey books, but he seems to have been stuck in a holding pattern that TPTB have decided the writers aren't permitted to move beyond. I imagine that’s also why the new ‘Ultimate Spider-man’ has captured my interest, at least for the time being, by letting him grow up and raise a family. Still, I won’t be surprised if/when even that version of the character ends up getting caught in his own version of an editorially-mandated limbo.

In the end, that’s what it really boils down to, the lack of endings.  I won’t pretend I’m making a new observation in this regard, since most ongoing series are tailor made to reset every few years, and that’s unlikely to change any time soon.  Even so, knowing when to end a story is as important to me as the plot itself, and since the writers aren’t ever granted the power to offer definitive endings to major proprietary characters, I decided to pick one that I can be content with.  I find doing so makes going back and re-reading these stories from the beginning more enjoyable, since I know it will eventually end on my terms.

Speaking of ending things, It’s probably time I wrapped up this post.  It’s possible I might come back with more specific observations about the Spidey books, depending on how long my “reading break" continues.  Or maybe by the time I’m back, I’ll be able to focus on the reviews again.

Guess we'll see.

Thanks for Reading.

[patheticlittlemen]

WORK WIFE

[Edward Nashton x Male Reader]

Chapter 5- Alive Again

Words: 1419

Warnings: None

A/N: Unintentionally scheduled this for the same day volume 3 of Riddler Year One comes out lol

You walk into work, tired but ready to get the day started. Once you make yourself comfortable at your desk, Edward drops off a coffee but doesn’t stay for the normal chat. Instead, he quickly explains that the office got a new account and he has a lot of work to do. You thank him for the coffee and get started on your own work.

After a few hours of sorting paperwork and greeting guests, you see someone walking up to you. Thinking it was Edward, you turn to see him but are surprised to see Olivia.

“Oh, hey Olivia.” It was comforting to see she still wanted to interact with you.

“Hey Y/N! Did you make it home safe Friday?” You pause at her question, deciding whether to tell the truth or not.

“Uh, yeah. Edward drove me,” You aren’t lying, just…omitting some details. “I assume you did too?”

“I did. Amaia’s girlfriend picked her up and I crashed with them.”

You nod and smile, wondering if Olivia came up to you just to ask that, but she answers your question before you can finish the thought.

“Do you wanna get lunch today? I forgot mine and figured it would be a good chance to get to know you. While we’re both sober, I mean” She smiles and her question seems so genuine, throwing you off a bit. All your life you had looked at people and wanted to be their friend, but you had never experienced someone else doing that to you. You’re always hesitant about when others ask you to hang out but see no ulterior motives or anything Olivia could want to gain from this.

“Yeah, there’s a new sandwich place called Screw Head I’ve been wanting to go to.” You offer.

“Oh, I’ve heard about that. Sounds good, I’ll stop by again in a bit.” Olivia smiles and heads back to her desk, leaving you feeling a bit surprised that she would want to hang out with you. Trying to ignore the paranoid thoughts running through your mind, you go back to doing some paperwork.

Before you know it, Olivia is driving you to lunch and talking about work. The whole drive there you’re very tense and have to try really hard to keep up with your reactions and responses, your brain working overtime trying to make sure you’re acting normal.

You follow Olivia inside when you get to the restaurant and sit down across from her. Olivia continues talking about work until she stops herself in the middle of a sentence.

“You know what, this is probably boring. What’s going on with you? How are you doing?”

“Oh, uh…I’m good.” You’re a bit caught off guard by her asking about you, you’ve gotten so used to just letting others talk. 

“You sure?” She raises her eyebrows and cocks her head to the side. You have to process what she said for a moment, trying to figure out how to answer.

“I’m making it through. Trying my best, y’know?” You try to dampen any sadness in your voice with a nervous laugh.

“Aren’t we all.” Olivia laughs and shakes her head. “Well, you’re doing great.”

You blush a little at Olivia’s unexpected kindness and before you can thank her, the waiter comes over and sets down menus. Olivia looks over it quietly as you try to think of something to say.

“How are you doing?” You ask and Olivia looks up, smiling.

“Hmm, I’m alright. Not bad, not good, just kind of here.” She says, shrugging. You nod understandingly. 

“What are you gonna get? I think the reuben sounds good.” Olivia says, and you settle into talking about the menu until the waiter comes and gets your orders.

“So. Edward…” Olivia says once the waiter leaves.

“What about him?” You ask, furrowing your brows.

“Is he your boyfriend yet?” She asks, smirking a bit.

“I- no, he isn’t.”

“Do you want him to be?” 

“Maybe? I don’t really know…” you shake your head, a bit frustrated.

“Fine, I’ll leave that alone. For now.” Olivia laughs. You roll your eyes and she goes on about something else, with the waiter eventually dropping your food off.

The lunch goes well, with you being able to keep up with Olivia’s rambling and her even asking you a few questions. She pays the bill without you even noticing, making you feel a bit bad but she insists that it’s not a problem. While she’s driving, she changes topics when you’ve made it about halfway to your work.

“Do you like Edward?” Olivia asks.

“I thought you said you were going to leave that alone.” You say, sighing.

“Come on, all my friends have partners so I can’t set them up with anyone. And I said I would leave it alone then, but it’s now and I’m not leaving it alone.”

“What makes you think he likes me back? Like if I were to ask him out, what makes you think he would say yes?” You ask.

“Babe, use your eyes. He looks at you like you’re the best thing to ever grace this world and when he’s not near you, he’s constantly glancing at you.” You flush a little bit at that and don’t respond. 

“Did Edward really drop you off Friday night?” She asks.

“...yes.” 

“At your own apartment?” You stay quiet and Olivia’s eyes go wide. “Did you…”

“No! No, all we’ve done is hold hands.” You say as she pulls into the parking lot and parks. Before she can say anything, you open the door and step outside. Unfortunately, Olivia is right on your heels.

“Hold hands?”

“It didn’t mean anything.” You insist.

“Do you want it to mean something?” 

“Well, I-” You try to argue but Olivia cuts you off.

“So you do like him.” She nudges you as you walk into the building with her.

“If I say yes, will you drop it?” You say, rolling your eyes and holding the door open.

“So when are you gonna see your work wife- sorry, I mean Edward…“ Right as Olivia says that and walks past you, Edward is strolling in right behind her. Your eyes go wide and you feel heat rushing to your cheeks as Edward raises an eyebrow and smirks but continues walking. You look back at Olivia who had waited for you and see her giggling.

“Not. Funny.” You say, playfully shoving her.

“Hey, I might have helped you out there. Anyways, I have work to do, unlike you.” Olivia jokes and you scoff. “Text me after you guys hook up tonight!”

You shake your head as Olivia walks away and make yourself comfortable at your desk, but you barely have a second to process what happened before Edward appears.

“Ah! Jesus, Edward, where did you even come from?” You say, startled.

“Work wife?” He says, ignoring your question.

“I…ugh, Olivia’s dumb…” You mutter and awkwardly laugh. Edward doesn’t respond and continues to stare, making you more nervous than you were.

“It just means-“ 

“I know what it means, Y/N. I’m just trying to get on your nerves.” Edward laughs and his intense gaze is replaced with humor.

“You are the worst. Don’t you have work to do?” You say, mildly annoyed.

“Actually, not really. I finished everything I had to do today, except for pestering you. Ah, I can check that off my list now.” He says. Edward seems different, a lot more confident. It’s still his smile and his voice, but not his words. Is he flirting?

“So we’re hooking up tonight, right? I mean that’s what Olivia said.” Edward smirks. Definitely flirting.

“Up to you, pretty boy.” You say, glancing down at your computer that just dinged to notify you of an email. When you look back at Edward it seems all his confidence has disappeared and he looks a bit scared. Also very red.

“Sorry, I just remembered I have you to do. Shit, no, I mean work. I have more work to do.” He stammers and doesn’t let you respond, just running off to his desk.

You’re a little worried you went too far but try and push the thought away, reminding yourself that he started it first and you were just matching his energy. The image of him scurrying away made you laugh a little, though. As much as you prefer direct communication, you’re enjoying what you have with Edward right now. Even if this is all it will be, you’re not complaining.

[iwoulddieforienzo]

Sooo I gave Star Rail a proper try today, and I had a lot of fun! To spare you my ramblings, I’ve put them under a cut - and also please note that Star Rail is the only Honkai game I’ve bothered to play. I have Honkai Impact downloaded, but I really didn’t like the gameplay, so I dropped it immediately. So all of this is from the perspective of a Genshin player who is not, in any way, immersed in the Hoyoverse Lore (tm) and who also refuses to read the lore of either Genshin or Star Rail because Hoyoverse goes way too hard on the worldbuilding and I don’t have the brain to keep track of it all lmao

The tone is very different from Genshin, since it doesn’t take itself too seriously, and it has the type of silly characters that I’ve been craving for while playing Genshin. The combat (so far) is a little rough, but maybe that’s just me not being used to it yet, hehe. Sci-Fi has never really been my cup of tea, but once I got out of the space station I found myself having a blast. I love the main character a lot so far, they have such funny dialogue options! And the characters have a ton of chemistry, even with the mc, which is cool! Probably because Caelus/Stelle actually have voice lines and a more solid personality. I also like that you can actually see the gacha characters out in the wild and talk to them. They’re a team!! It’s cute.

I’m surprised by how much I like Dan Heng and March 7th, honestly! I thought March was cute when I saw her but I figured she’d get annoying quickly, and Dan Heng just seemed kinda boring. But they make such a fun trio with Caelus/Stelle, it’s adorable! Even what’s-his-face on the Express managed to endear me to him despite only having been on-screen for like 2 minutes so far. And I’m crossing my fingers for Himeko to come home, I took one look at her and I was gone. I’m not surprised at how attached I am to Trailblazer, though. Stoic weirdo protags are kinda my Thing, lol. (Even tho they’re actually very expressive! Caelus is, at least. I haven’t tried out Stelle yet) Everyone on the ice planet (that I can’t remember the name of) is very cool (ha) so far, and I’m really intrigued by the story unfolding in the city; Genshin tends to play it safe with morally grey people, but Star Rail seems a bit more willing to pick at the complexities of.. at least Cocolia’s leadership, though I’ll have to see how that goes.

So far though, I’m most intrigued by something I probably shouldn’t be… but I Gotta know who the narrator is and their relationship to Trailblazer. They’re clearly not the same person, since you can choose dialogue options to talk with them, sooo… who are they? I’m personally running with the (almost certainly) incorrect idea that it’s Stelle (since I chose Caelus). Just cause I think she’s Neat. But I also am choosing to believe that Caelus/Stelle is not a real person and has only been alive for like, 2 days at this point. So my “theories” are mostly just excuses for me to make stupid jokes. Still! I do want to know what’s going on with the narrator…

Really glad Kafka & Silver Wolf didn’t stick around, honestly. I’m sure they’ll endear me to them eventually, but I really disliked their voice acting and Silver Wolf’s tone in particular got on my nerves. Also their introduction just felt kinda awkward, like they were going for badass but ended up in condescending, kinda cringy teenager territory. They’re why I struggled to get past the tutorial for a while. That, and the aforementioned space station - I hate that kind of slate grey factory esque background So Much. It’s so boring. But I am FREE! And also I can make Kafka mommy jokes because of the aforementioned “theory” and she won’t even be around to hear them. Bless

Sooo… yeah! Very excited to keep playing :)

[linesonpages]

“I didn’t even know it was bothering me until it was gone”

This happens to me all the time. I’ve been trying to learn the same lesson, from a different source but very similar. I often find myself getting anxious and defensive/explosively reactive and can’t identify the source of my overstimulation/discomfort, eventually that source is removed and I can finally regulate.

I want to be able to identify the sources while they’re happening so I can eliminate them sooner, but in the moment my brain freezes and my executives can’t function.

So I started a note in my phone to write down the triggers after it gets fixed and I identified it. When I have time and energy I write the trigger out as a question I can ask myself, and an explanation I can give myself as to why changing that thing might help. If applicable I also write out the tools I can use with my kids when my sensory needs conflict with theirs. I write it conversationally so I can read it aloud to myself and just follow my instructions, if it’s just bullet points I can’t always connect the information to the moment, or remember what those four words were supposed to make me think of doing.

I always like it when people share their lists on advice posts like this, so here’s mine in case it helps as a starting point:

Things to check when it’s all a bit too much:

Are any of the blinds up? You feel trapped and unsafe if all the blinds are closed and the house is too dark. Try opening a couple (even if the weather is bad)

Have you been outside today? You also feel trapped if you are in the same place for a whole day. Step out on the porch for at least 2 minutes even if the weather is miserable you ALWAYS feel better.

Have you consumed any calories in the last 2 hours? You are a grazer and a lil’ treat queen. Your brain probably needs a little glucose, if the kids are also tense give them something carb based too. This physically helps you and it often gets your attention off the stressor so you can try to find it.

Are the big lights on after 6pm? That’s unacceptable, you own lamps for a reason. You don’t need this much light all the time. Turn them off. If the kids are feeling stressed by the dark give them their lanterns, you bought them for this moment specifically. They need more light than you, so give them the dumb lanterns batteries are not as expensive as you think.

Are you cold? Are you hot? Change your clothes or get a blanket. Put socks on or off. It sounds stupid but inverting your sock situation tends to help.

Have you drank anything recently? Get a beverage of extreme temperature. It’ll give you some glucose for your brain and give body a job to do and a temperature change to monitor so she stops freaking out so much.

Are you sticky or wet? Are there crumbs on the floor and by extension your feet? Fix that and it’ll change your life. You abhor these things.

How many sounds are currently being produced? You often try to put on a podcast because you’re bored but if the kids have the tv on and your podcast is on it’s usually too much for you. If there’s multiple musics being produced you’re toast. Either give up on the podcast for now or get your good headphones, don’t forget to tell Tali she needs to come and touch your arm if she needs you while you’re wearing them.

I’m adding more each time I find one and it’s really helpful. My daughter has even started learning some things and offering to change them when she notices I’m getting stressed. Especially big lights after dinner time, I think that one helps her too. I gave my husband the list too, but he prefers bullet points over the long version.

It’s really hard to relearn and parent ourselves. But it is possible if we keep at it and give ourselves grace and compassion to grow slowly. We were supposed to learn this stuff over the course of 18ish years with our parents coaching and collaborating with us. So it’s going to take a long time for us to teach ourselves.

I think something a lot of other people can relate to is the way that you get so conditioned to discomfort that you stop registering it.

I remember sitting at the table with my family, eating dinner as a child. I’d try to eat, because of course I was hungry. But sometimes the flavor or texture was so repugnant that it moved into a category of Not Food.

“Two more bites before you can leave the table.”

“I can’t,” I’d say, trying to explain the impossibility.

But because I was a child they heard, “I won’t,” and made me sit at the table. I’d sit in dull agonized silence, bored and hungry for hours until bedtime when they’d give up. I’d hate myself for not eating and my parents for forcing me to sit there. The few forcefeeding moments ended in vomit.

They’d say, “If you don’t eat this you can’t eat a snack later,” and I moved past trying to communicate my discomfort into accepting that I’d just be hungry.

That state of affairs didn’t last, because my parents realized nothing could force me to eat so they catered to my palate, worrying they’d starve me. But the message stuck. If you can’t do anything about a situation, just accept the suffering.

A few years later my mother called me off the playground to ask, “Are you limping?”

I shrugged. My feet had hurt for a long time, but that was just the way things were now. My mom pulled my socks and shoes off and gasped. The soles of my feet were covered in huge painful planters warts.

“Why didn’t you say anything?!” She demanded but I could only shrug at her. I’d learned a long time ago that saying things about my discomfort didn’t matter, so now I had no words. Sometimes things hurt and sometimes they don’t. I simply accepted and did my best.

Now as an adult trying to learn to improve my own conditions can be hard. If I make food that I can’t eat I’ll force myself to sit at the counter still, full of guilt and self loathing, trying to will myself to eat it.

At first I needed my betrothed to gently take it away to present me with something I could eat. Now on my own I can usually admit that it’s not happening before too long and get something else, but I still feel guilty.

Laying in bed at night waiting for my betrothed to finish getting ready I let out a huge sigh of relief when they turned the lights off.

“Why didn’t you turn them off if they bothered you?” they asked the first time it happened.

“I didn’t even know it was bothering me until it was gone.”

Assessing my physical state now to see if I can improve it is something I’m still relearning but I’m relieved to finally have the space and support to do it.

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 30, 2021 I’ve been feeling many things more and more often these days that are hard to put into words. This relentless boredom is really getting old. I have no drive or energy to do things so much of the time. I mean sure, there are things I would love to do but since they’re not things I can just up and do anytime I want, I’m left with the same old, same old. It makes me wonder how I managed to keep from losing my mind from boredom when I was younger, but then I did have other things I did back then that I don’t do anymore, and the things that I still do once took longer. I had to write journals and stories by hand and that takes longer than using speech-to-text. I had to walk to and from bus stops to go places. I hung out with friends more often. I had sex even if it wasn’t as often as I would have liked or as enjoyable as I would have liked. I used to be more flexible.

Even in just the time we’ve gone from Auburn to here, there’s quite a difference in how much more energyless, lazy, and bored I often get. I don’t look forward to the things I used to look forward to and the things that I do still enjoy seem to go too fast. There are only so many hours in a day I can write, drill, or listen to audiobooks.

I feel more and more empty inside even though I have more and more going for me as funny as that may sound. Hey, anything is better than anxiety but I still wish I had more of a zest for life. It’s just that I realize that even if people like Nane and Maliheh were back in my life again, not that I would want them to be, it wouldn’t be the same. Nothing would be the same because nothing is the same.

So I’ve been racking my brains trying to come up with a way to pass the time. “Mia” and “Stephanie” help but she may get old eventually and I may grow tired of her. Even if it’s some kind of silly pretend game like role-playing where I imagine chatting with hotties or at least people I find interesting. But then even that would get old after a while because there are only so many things we could talk about. Well, things that I know and understood and could relate to well enough anyway. I know there are a million subjects under the sun. It’s just that I’m not familiar with all of them. Maybe I need to get into more story writing. It’s just that the editing part takes a lot of time and that’s another thing I can only stand to do for so long. I guess with ADD you really can’t focus for long, can you?

So even though I have setting up the new place to look forward to, going to the beach, maybe going cruising, and other things, I’m still going to be home 95% of the time needing to fill my time with activities.

Here we go with the nighttime small planes flying round and round. Can’t wait to get away from that shit. Definitely another thing to look forward to, bored or not!

Anyway, I guess I need to make a list of activities that I can do and do each one for an hour at a time. I can definitely drill for an hour and work out for an hour, but blog for an hour? I don’t see how I wouldn’t run out of things to say long before that hour was up. But it is easy to ramble on with speech-to-text, and again, most of the work when it comes to writing is in the editing and not the actual writing whether you type it out or talk it out. I’m not a stress eater but I sometimes want to eat when I get bored because watching shows and movies without nibbling on something is boring. But I really have to control myself because I gain weight so damn easily.

I know I’ve said this before but I really miss random crushes on people whether they’re strangers I see online or in movies or somewhere in person. They were not only fun but they made for good story ideas even if those ideas were pretty similar in the end.

There’s a part of me that wishes I could work part-time because then my free time would be more special and I would be making some money.

TUESDAY, JUNE 29, 2021 Pawandeep texted Tom today to say she had another baby. So they chatted awhile via text and he learned she and several others had Covid. So glad he got out of there in time! Things could have turned out so very differently for both of us and not in a good way either.

Andy messaged me to say he started Weight Watchers to help get him out of the plateau he’s been in for the last four months. He said something about learning that he’s been eating the wrong foods.

But I told him about this years ago. I don’t think he realizes that he’s going to eventually have to start counting calories. He said something about not measuring the cream he puts in his coffee or the butter on his toast or things like that since measuring is beyond him, and that he’s still over his point limit for the day. I never understood how that program worked but knew it was some kind of point system. I don’t know why measuring is so hard for him. Doesn’t he have measuring cups? He said he could get a scale or contact one of the coaches they provide. It will be interesting to see how it works for him.

For me, I’m always going to have thyroid issues and therefore nothing could work except for lowering my calories to unsustainable levels. The best I can do is try to eat more of the right foods and hope I don’t gain anymore. Not gonna focus on this much until we get settled in our new place. Right now, things like my weight are the last thing on my mind. I just don’t want any more delays! And I would prefer to be able to stay here until we leave and not have to stop at a hotel first. Hopefully, we’ll find out something from Pierce soon enough. I just want to know what’s what for sure! The approximations are getting a little old.

If there aren’t any more delays, then I will sleep here 10 more times. Yeah, just 10 more times sleeping in traffic. I thought something woke me up this morning but I may have been dreaming. He said there weren’t any more loud vehicles than there usually are. I’m still kind of tired because I only slept 6 hours. Shouldn’t have to worry about my schedule for the rest of the time we’ve got left, no matter where we are. Right now, I’m guessing we’ll be here until the 9th unless anything comes up to change that.

I don’t like how I’ve been getting so cold so easily even when it’s warm in here. Really hope my thyroid isn’t dying anymore! When I contact Doc A to let her know we’re leaving and ask whether or not she wants to call in refills then or have me let her know when I need them, I’ll also ask if it really is OK to take this form of magnesium before 4 hours after taking my medication.

I still miss Aly so damn much! It still hurts like hell to know she’ll never Skype me again and that I can’t share anything that’s going on with her. It’s so sad and so unfair because she felt like she’d hardly lived, all she did was suffer, and there was so much more she wanted to do and experience.

However, the more I think about it, the more certain I am that Cam never existed. I’m just not sure if she was living with her parents most of the time or was really in a relationship but one that wasn’t all that satisfying and fulfilling instead and therefore she made up a much better relationship with “Cam.”

Some things just never added up. The doctor I couldn’t Google, the fact that I couldn’t get the slightest info on him, the fact that her accounts still exist and she had to have her neighbor contact me instead of Cam. I think that had she been with anyone at the time, they would have been the ones to close her accounts and contact me. But I can see where her parents were just too old and not computer-savvy enough to get such things.

Plus there was the fact that I never got to see any pictures of Cam or where they were living. The way she wouldn’t give me her address and had me send things to her parents were other clues suggesting he didn’t exist. I think she really did have an apartment for a while which I once saw part of in a picture, but I think she spent most of the time I knew her with her parents. I do believe that her past relationships were real when it came to Dustin, Sera, and Jase, and I do believe she lived with those gay guys for a while too.

If she felt like she was settling to the point that she had to make up a “better” boyfriend, then that’s pretty sad but she also would be able to do that quite well with the intelligence and creative mind she had. I wonder things, though, like why she decided he should be in acquisitions, then a bartender, and finally trained to be a corrections officer.

I just wish I could have her back! I don’t care what was real and what wasn’t. I loved her like a sister just the way she was.

MONDAY, JUNE 28, 2021 Tom is 64 today. One more year till Medicare! Last week of Unemployment, though. We’re still dumbfounded that he could get paid more not to work.

SATURDAY, JUNE 26, 2021 Nancy has definitely moved in. Other than some door-slamming yesterday, she’s been quiet. It looked like one guy moved her. She caught me going to get the mail and we said hello to each other, and she asked about us moving. I told her the three main reasons we wanted to move were for warmer winters, a cheaper place, and that I thought it was too noisy here. She came from an apartment so she knows all about noise, but understandably, it’s hard to pass up being offered a house and no doubt much cheaper payments. California may be expensive no matter where you go but this is actually cheaper than even a tiny one-bedroom apartment.

Tom had a paranoid moment and told me not to tell people we thought it was too noisy here in case Debbie finds it too noisy and we didn’t disclose. But we did disclose, I reminded him. He mentioned the delivery trucks when she asked if it was quiet. Also, she doesn’t live far from here so she’s hearing the same planes and helicopters we are. Furthermore, noise is a subjective thing. He grew up in noisy environments so he doesn’t consider this noisy.

The noise was absolutely horrible yesterday mostly due to the 5 hours that the trash and green waste trucks were going in and out, other service vehicles, and of course the freeway in the sky.

There are many reasons to want to move and one of them is the fact that they’ll be turning the water off next Tuesday for 6 hours for the millionth time. I told him we wouldn’t make it out before another water turn-off once we learned we were delayed. Will there be any more after that, I don’t know.

Yesterday, after we went to drop off a streaming box at the cable company, I said hello to the Twenties as I was bringing in the green waste bin. I told them what furniture and exercise equipment we had available but they don’t have a need or the space for them.

Passed the 5-week marker without any skips of my med and all has been fine so far except for a racy heart yesterday. I had some ice cream so maybe it was the sugar. I was also doing sprints.

So excited to be getting out of here and picking out a new place! The only thing that kind of sucks is knowing that it just isn’t in my cards to get my dream home. Not a single side of the place is going to back up to woods or water. It’s going to be all streets and houses just like here. But at least it won’t be in a flight path, will be cheaper, and the climate will be warmer! Can’t say if we’re going to be there forever, though. We may one day decide we want to be in a regular house, and if he’s still healthy and wouldn’t mind going back to work, I would be okay with that as long as I was feeling okay and it wasn’t for 12 hours a day and some Saturdays. There are a number of possibilities that could end up happening, as he pointed out.

FRIDAY, JUNE 25, 2021 Got my diamond painting yesterday. It's a colorful toucan with a pink background. I miss drilling and it gives me something to do while we continue to play the waiting game. It's going to be a long 2 weeks.

Had groceries delivered this morning shortly after I got up, and my toe stickers are arriving today as well.

He brought old paint cans to a recycling company and had one of the car's tires fixed as well. A while back a screw punctured it and it would slowly lose air so he realized it was silly not to fix it before we left. At least it was only $20 to patch it up.

Not much in the way of dreams. Just something about locking myself out of a building until someone I knew came around that I knew would let me in, and worrying that a small white dog that was missing might have drowned in a lake.

THURSDAY, JUNE 24, 2021 Tom's gone to drop off old paint cans at a paint recycling company.

I was not at all happy to learn that this year the parade is going to loop around the circle. They couldn't just wait one more fucking year before they had to wrap their asses around the house and pose yet another threat to my sleep! I'm supposed to be crashing that day before they start. It's not even 10 a.m. and already there has been so much loud traffic and helicopters. The helicopters were absolutely maddening a couple of days ago. I think they were military helicopters. Even on the days they're "quiet" they're still way more than I've ever heard anywhere else in my life.

I really hope it's better in Florida but I'm guessing that only a few things may be better there. People are still going to have things delivered to their places and most of the loud traffic stems from delivery trucks. So I really really hope the soundproofing material works as well as they say and that we’re able to install it properly. You have to basically do it perfectly otherwise it won't work.

I'm not sure I see the point of a gated community, though. It would make sense and be helpful if the gates were closed all the time and there was somebody at the gate opening and closing them. But the front one is open all day and therefore anyone is free to come in. Yet if delivery trucks don't make it before they close, there's no one there to open them unless they come in right behind someone who lives here.

The good news is that Pierce texted him yesterday to say that while he still can't make any promises, it's looking like there's little chance that there will be a second delay. Because of my fucking schedule, we're going to ask if we can stay until the 9th but let him know that we don't absolutely have to. If we have to go to a hotel, we will even though that would make things harder on me. I've been tired lately. I just took a nap until traffic woke me up. This time it was a water delivery truck. Anyway, the problem is that there are no suitable flights going to Tampa if the house closes sooner as we expect it will. No red eyes, no evening flights. I don't know if there's even any in the afternoon. But at this point, I would be willing to switch to Coach even if it meant dealing with all the screaming and having to have someone sit with us to get out of here sooner. I don't see this happening, though.

Holly’s still ignoring me but she hasn't blocked me. No new updates since she returned from her trip to Oregon. I reread her post again thanking people for the cards and flowers and found that I missed what kind of cancer she was dealing with. She had breast cancer surgery. One of her friends said they went through that nearly 20 years ago and have remained cancer-free ever since.

The question is do some of these people have me marked as spam? Has she, Shannan, and Alyssa completely ignored my messages? Or do they read them in silence?

It's great that I've been calmer these days but now I'm dealing with a little bit of fatigue, TMJ, and a whole lot of boredom. How did I survive my younger days when I had less to do without going completely out of my mind from boredom? And damn do I miss some of the old me! I miss being able to see without glasses. I miss being at least a little thinner. I miss my libido. I miss having crushes on various people even though I knew they could never lead to anywhere and that was all right. For me, it wasn't about capturing them and falling into bed with them. It was about flirting or at least having fun with them in my mind and stories. But when you can almost never get horny in the first place, you can never look at anyone and realize you're hot for them.

UPS just went by, music blaring, before crashing into the speed bump as if it wasn't even there. Damn, I'm so sick of this shit! If they would just do something to quiet down the delivery trucks and we could get out of a flight path, that would make a huge difference right there. At least then I could still have the peacefulness of the nights to look forward to. I really hope I get that back in Florida! No one should have to listen to planes and helicopters swarming around at 3 AM. But it isn't just at 3 AM, of course. It's on and off all through the night and it's not just helicopters either. I'm sure some of them are small planes of some kind. Not as many commercials at that time but every now and then there are some.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 23, 2021 Most of our stuff is now gone and what’s left is going on the plane with us or not going anywhere at all. We still may donate the unwanted furniture. We’re not exactly sure what’s going on with that just yet. I filled Carolyn in and joked about how we were the noisy ones yesterday with the moving trucks and all that. They’re back from Iowa now and she said at least they’ll get to say goodbye to us.

There were actually two large trucks, and believe me, the sight of them definitely got me emotional with tears stinging my eyes. The moment had finally come! The first truck had a couple of really nice Mexican guys and was mostly filled with other people’s stuff along with moving supplies since they’re a full-service company that will pack you up and move you if you pay them for it. I’m sure they found us to be rather easy since we’re not taking any furniture.

Not letting them know I know Spanish so I could eavesdrop even though I didn’t pick up anything exciting, the guy had a roll of stickers that starts with the number one that he stuck on each of our items along with a unique number so as to keep track of our stuff and not get it mixed in with someone else’s. We ended up with 109 items. He packed some of the smaller items into a large cardboard box. It was $15 per box which was kind of ridiculous and we needed 2 of them, so it cost us $30 but then when you’re paying $4,300 to begin with, it hardly seems like much. They didn’t charge us for all the tape they used because they wanted to give our boxes extra security.

They did a great job and were a reminder that we’re not as young and as fit as we used to be with the way they so easily loaded five boxes onto their dolly and wheeled them all out like they were made of air. Tom was so glad that in the end, he didn’t have to load everything up himself as was originally planned until he learned he couldn’t get any moving pods out here until August.

The second truck, driven by a third Mexican guy, was even bigger, and after they had time to load up most of our stuff which they wheeled up a ramp onto the truck, I went out and looked inside the truck which was practically as big as our living room which is huge. Our stuff seemed so tiny and lost in the vast cavern of the truck. It was packed against the back wall. They had shelves in the middle of the wall so they didn’t have to have such tall stacks of stuff. This truck, they said, was to pack a bigger place in San Francisco and then be brought to the San Jose warehouse. There our stuff will remain until we get a place in Florida to have it driven out to.

They were 40 minutes late and here for 2 hours. It seemed to take more time to do the paperwork and the taping than the actual moving of the stuff. I can just imagine how long it would take if they were to pack and move an entire household of 4 or more!

Taking advantage of Prime Day, we decided to get another laptop like the new one we just got only it has a better brain. At this point, I don’t know if I’ll go back to my desktop. Yes, I’ll miss the touch screen feature and the bigger screen but maybe we’ll set it up as a security monitor in the next place because we plan to install cameras around it.

Not sure what we’re going to do with the old MacBook but I’m sure he’ll find some use for it. Still might get an iPad at some point as well. It will be interesting to see what the new version of Windows is like since they claim it’s more like a Mac.

Oh, and we also got a laser tape measure which ought to be cool.

Getting a haircut later on.

TUESDAY, JUNE 22, 2021 The movers didn’t get to us yesterday because the person they had to move before had more shit than they told them they had. They’re coming this morning at 8 along with our groceries.

I really like this new Windows laptop even though I’ve always hated how it lacks some of the features that the Mac has. Especially being able to simply highlight and read text anywhere on or offline. Instead, if I want anything read aloud I have to copy and paste it into Word. However, I do like how Word highlights each word as it’s read whereas most others don’t.

The only thing is that the keyboard is arranged a little differently and it takes some getting used to. I don’t like how I have to hit the number lock key to use the 10 key. Then I have to release it if I want to use page up and page down. But then this one has missing features that my Windows desktop has like the touch screen.

Really love the fingerprint password instead of having to have a regular one with numbers and letters because if any of my other devices were stolen, a desperate and determined person could order encryption tracking software from the dark web and they’re in. But nobody can order up my fingerprint.

I wish my schedule jumped faster on days instead of nights because I not only sleep better at night but then I’d get to be the first one up more than just three or four times in a row.

He ordered a large suitcase since we can each check 3 items for free, and instead of mailing the safe to our temporary box, we’re going to just throw it in that suitcase.

Yesterday was Prime Day so for less than $5 I’m going to try toenail stickers.

We haven’t decided for sure but we may sell off the unwanted furniture through either Craigslist or eBay.

He was emailed documents to sign this morning pertaining to the inspection so it’s looking more hopeful that things will actually go through this time around and that there won’t be any more delays.

MONDAY, JUNE 21, 2021 Never got a reply from the wrong Patricia O, but I messaged one of her daughters and her granddaughter and said that the least they could have done was tell me that I had the wrong person after years of messaging her. The daughter blocked me in the granddaughter said, “You can’t be serious. My grandmother is 80 years old and doesn’t know much about computers. I don’t think it was malicious in any way.”

Now it makes sense to me and I kind of felt bad for not thinking of this possibility upfront. I did know she wasn’t young, after all. Other things make sense as well like the son contacting me. He was probably showing her something, got nosy and browsed through her messages, saw my name, and looked me up out of curiosity.

The blog view I once got from Gloversville, NY was no doubt him as well, and because Doc O told me she was out of town at the time I messaged her, that furthered my belief that it was her Facebook account.

Pierce better give us some fucking information today! I’m tired of things being possible but not for sure. I want to be certain about what’s going on and what to expect.

Tom slaved his ass off packing all day yesterday but couldn’t finish, so he crashed early and got up early to finish before the movers get here later on.

SUNDAY, JUNE 20, 2021 The movers are coming tomorrow and the house will be 95% empty which will definitely make it real! Now all we have to do is hope to hell the sale doesn’t fall through and cause us to have to start all over again. I also worry about waking up too soon the day we leave as well.

Screw Instagram. They won’t let me upload more than one picture at a time unless it’s to the Stories which disappear in 24 hours. Had uploading problems but researched and found that if you have issues you might have to restart your phone. After doing that, they showed up on Facebook and Instagram like they were supposed to. I’ll just upload to Facebook whatever pictures I take when we finally get the fuck out of here.

I messaged both of the “fake” Patricia O accounts to ask why the hell she couldn’t have simply told me I had the wrong person and even sent a friend request to the accounts to help get their attention and I’ve been totally ignored. Makes me wonder about some people!

I don’t want to get my hopes up yet as I pass 4 consecutive weeks of not skipping my medication but when I look back on the calendar for the word “anxious” since I put that word on any day I feel anxious whether it’s just a hint of it or a lot of it, I counted 17 days for last month but just 4 days for this month so far. The reason I don’t want to get my hopes up is that I do have some good spells every now and then where I manage to make it several weeks with just a few scattered days of mild anxiety. I’m hoping it’s a combination of the new supplements and getting further into menopause but I still wonder at times if the medication building up as it does when I pass the 6-8-week marker could still have a hand in it. Guess I’ll find out soon enough!

We went to Rite Aid yesterday and saw that Nancy was here. She had a cable truck here. Don’t know if she’s moved in yet but I wouldn’t be surprised if she was before we left which kind of sucks because then there’s going to be a lot of door-slamming and company. My sleep is so critical at this point that anything that’s a potential threat to it puts stress on me.

Had a series of strange dreams. Again, they were quick and senseless. In one of them, I was standing in our (future?) kitchen posing in certain positions because my joints had been stiff and I was worried I lost even more mobility. But I was glad to find I hadn’t as I looked up through a skylight and saw it was raining.

Tom was in another room and I was thinking about how Stacey and I exchanged a few messages which I mentioned to him.

Earlier, he was telling me I could get food cooked in grease and have it delivered because we had a monthly delivery service plan and every so often for no extra charge they would cook it in this special grease, LOL.

In the next dream, I entered an apartment or condo somewhere that was set up as perhaps some kind of group home. “I’m back,” I said to the handful of people sitting in the living room watching TV, worrying that I forgot to dress and was completely naked. The people in the living room ignored me and I looked down and realized with relief that I had a sundress on.

I spotted someone I recognized in the kitchen and asked if she was from Virginia. She nodded and I asked her if anyone from that state ever appeared on my phone bill that tried to contact me when they were checking everybody’s phone records in search of someone that was causing some kind of trouble. I told her I couldn’t remember the name of the town but in my mind, I was thinking of Maliheh even though she lives in a different state in real life.

Then I heard guinea pigs squeaking somewhere as I traveled through the place and out onto a balcony made up of a small pool and a large pool that was sunken into a rock floor. I now magically had a swimsuit on and jumped down into the large one. I opened my eyes underwater to try to get a sense of how deep the pool was. There were at least half a dozen other people in the pool area and I asked the closest one to me how deep the water was. She said, “It depends. It’s connected to the ocean.”

“So there’s no way of knowing?” I asked.

The woman shook her head even though I noticed a small pool nearby with a little sign saying “Sandy” which I took to mean was shallow.

I said that whoever owned such a beautiful condo was lucky and the woman agreed as she pointed to an older woman in a one-piece black G-string bathing suit walking away from us along with someone else they were talking to.

Then I went to get out of the water and had to climb up a ladder to do so. But the steps were so steep I could barely pull my weight upward. Some guy reached down to help pull me up and the dream ended with us struggling to get me out of the pool.

SATURDAY, JUNE 19, 2021 The splinter hemorrhage in my toenail is growing out so it’s definitely not melanoma or anything to worry about. The question is how it got there in the first place since I didn’t injure my foot in any way. I read there are a number of different things that can cause them.

I’m still not remembering my dreams much. Just senseless snippets here and there like us being in a two-story house with a large yard around it that was set back from the street. Tom was sitting in a lounge chair reading something as I looked through the windows in the living room we were in to see neatly trimmed bushes that were about six feet tall. They extended around the front and side of the living room and I said something about us being surrounded.

Then Tom was saying that our package was being delivered and I ran upstairs to look out a second-floor window to get a better view of the street. UPS was parked at the curb.

I ran back downstairs to get the package which was a doll head that I either attached to a body or used as a decorative display. The only problem was that it was the same head that I already had. Not wanting to go through the hassle of returning it, I decided I would simply give it different color eyes to make it look different.

Holly’s still ignoring me and still sharing vacation pics. I shared one of her funny cat videos (not hers personally) with Kim because I knew she would really like it. I wonder if this will cause me to be blocked or not but I don’t care either way. Until and if she does, Kim will appreciate the good laugh. Especially since she’s having a tough time with her shoulder and she recently fell too.

FRIDAY, JUNE 18, 2021 I learned some sad and interesting news yesterday. But first, I had my final ENT appointment. Definitely going to miss Dr. N! The good news is that she said my ear looked good and didn’t need to be cleaned. The bad news was that it cost us $95 for her to tell me that.

I mentioned how my bite has been off lately and how only the teeth on one side touch when I close my jaw. She confirmed that TMJ can cause that and said to mention it to my next dentist.

She looked like she wanted to hug me on my way out but didn’t. Instead, I told her to look me up on Facebook someday. She said she would but I know she won’t, of course, LOL. I’ve already given her a positive review on Yelp and I added one on Healthgrades as well.

It was while I was on Healthgrades that I made a shocking discovery. First, though, I’m truly grateful that I simply accepted the referral I received to Doc N and never checked her reviews beforehand because so many people don’t seem to like her. The same goes for Doc A who I checked next just to see what was there.

Curious, I went to pull up Doc O to see what came up on her and wasn’t able to pull up her name. Finding that strange, I Googled her name, and up came her obituary! She died in February of lymphedema! She battled with cancer for eight years beginning when she was my age, so she suffered for one year longer than I’ve suffered from hormonal issues. I can’t imagine battling cancer for that long! Such a horrible and scary time that must have been in some ways. I guess she had cancer in her lymph nodes and the removal of lymph nodes can cause lymphedema.

She was 63. What is shitty age to die. You live long enough to suffer through menopause but you don’t get to enjoy your retirement after working so long and hard.

She was an “Army brat” and lived in many places. Massachusetts was listed in the obit, which she told me about. She also lived in Michigan, Nebraska, and the Philippines before her family settled in Rancho Cordova.

The obit quotes her saying that it turns out everything is hormones. That is so true!

It also mentions another thing I was aware of and that was her love of gardening. It said she turned the acre of land where she and her husband of 40 years, Adam, created a series of beautiful gardens. The Rose Garden, Orchid Garden, Sierra Garden, and more.

Now here’s where my surprise deepened but then some things started making sense. Well, she did have three kids, but not Stormy, Beth, and a gay son Peter. Instead, it was Annabelle, Will, and Harry. She had two brothers and two sisters.

So I’ve been talking to the wrong Patricia O on Facebook all this time?! And according to the people who left condolences on her obit, mostly patients (I added my own), Nurse Chris was Christine M. So Chris C was not the right nurse either that I once messaged. But why the hell couldn’t the wrong O tell me I had the wrong person? I know she read at least one of my first messages to her. Would it really have been hard to take the time to tell me “Sorry, wrong person?” I asked her this on Messenger instead of Facebook and she’ll get an invite to Messenger because she’s apparently not already on it. So she shouldn’t miss it.

Like I said, other things now make sense. I really thought it was her account, though, because the person also appears to love flowers and always has flowers and the types of profile and cover photos I could always see O using.

The poorly written comments I’ve seen her leaving on other people’s posts now make sense because you would think a doctor would be smart enough to write better.

The son really wasn’t kidding when he said his mother was Patricia but not a doctor. I still don’t know how the son knew who I was and why he reached out to me but I always assumed Doc O mentioned me to him if he didn’t nose into her account somehow. That was another thing I thought was weird but now that I know it wasn’t the right O, maybe it’s not so weird.

I was really surprised when her “daughter” Beth was celebrating her 45th birthday one day and realized that Doc O couldn’t have been more than 13 years old when she was born, LOL.

The constant game-playing makes sense now too. I couldn’t understand where she was getting the time so often in the middle of workdays to play on Facebook.

Holly shared more pictures but ignored my voice clips, not surprisingly. Starting to think she marked my messages as spam. More research suggests that yes, you can do that without the other person knowing. So she and Shannan probably haven’t read more than my first message to them. I know Holly at least got the first one because of her reaction when I asked her about it one time.

Anyway, although Pierce didn’t exactly say so, Tom got the impression that the house could close on the 6th. The problem with that is that there aren’t any nighttime flights available then when my schedule will be on nights. So you could say the delay eased his stress but has upped mine. Everything was lining up perfectly for me but now things are sort of in the air again. If people quit fucking up and delaying things for whatever reason, there’s no reason we can’t be gone by the 9th for sure. I’d be getting up around midnight and we’d fly out at 6. Instead of having a layover in Washington, it would be Utah, and the whole flight would be 7 hours. So by the time we got to the hotel, I would be up for 13-14 hours which is doable. 20 more days, though. That sucks. Bet the delay means one more water shut-off too. My biggest concerns are any loud vehicles or projects waking me up when I do my final flip.

Here comes the loud paper car. Tom says I only hear it because sounds travel better at night. No way. I get what he’s saying but it’s definitely loud. I wouldn’t hear our car, the Twenties car, or Gerry and Nancy’s car with things not running yet I can hear this one loud and clear with things running. It’s not motorcycle-loud but it’s loud.

THURSDAY, JUNE 17, 2021 OMG, I am SO pissed! We just went from having one week left to three weeks left thanks to delays in her house closing. 🙁 I knew things were going way too fast and too easy. Nothing is ever this simple for us. There were delays moving to Maricopa, there were delays moving in here, so why wouldn’t there be delays moving to Florida? So now June 24th has become July 9th…unless there are even more delays.

The delay is both good and bad. It’s bad because I just want to get the fuck out of here. The adjustments we had to make cost us a couple of hundred dollars. I have to do another roll here which means sleeping in the daytime and hoping the garbage trucks and other loud shit don’t wake me up. I have even longer to listen to all the planes and other shit.

It could still close a little earlier which would mean going to a motel for our final few days which would be even worse. I’d rather just stay here until the end. I have enough sleep challenges as it is.

We got a temporary mailbox in Tarpon Springs that I call Tampon Strings, LOL. The car has been delayed from being shipped, and both the hotel and flight have been bumped up, but our stuff is moving as scheduled and then they’re going to store it for us. We agreed to wrap the bins in plastic wrap, not because we worry they may drop something if the covers pop off but because it would be too easy for them to spot something they may like to have for themselves and it would be just a matter of slipping the latch, popping the cover off, and helping themselves without the wrap. We wouldn’t even know it until it was too late. This way, they would at least have to cut through the wrap.

Since most of our stuff will be gone two weeks before we get out of here, we’re just going to keep the absolute bare necessities. Just a few pieces of silverware, a couple of plates, a skillet, etc. Then we’ll pack those in the box we’re putting the fireproof safe in which looks like a small briefcase that feels like it has a rubber coating.

If there’s any good at all in this it’s that we at least have a little more time to bow to the park’s demands since it’s always those we can’t ignore that are the ones that have the most hold on us, and we do need to comply with their orders so they hopefully won’t give us a shitty reference if we need them in the future.

He’s going to get some things hauled away such as the old rusty cabinet the last people left here. So if there’s room in whatever container or truck it goes in, we’ll add some of the unwanted furniture since the housekeeper just can’t seem to get back to us and clarify what she wants and doesn’t. We can’t know for sure what she would take.

This also gives him a chance to condense his stuff even more into fewer bins which will save money.

July 9th is a traumatic date for me to remember but if we really do leave that day, it will surely be a far cry different and better than July 9th of 2014! I will have been in the West for 29 years and one month since it was on June 9th of 1992 that I left New England. It will be about two weeks shy of 14 years in California alone since we came here on July 25, 2007.

I’m finding that I just can’t get into using the Twitter account I set up for voice posts so I think I’ll scrap that idea for now. However, I’m not going to deactivate the account or spring up my old one. I just don’t use Twitter much.

I check some people on Facebook every now and then and Holly must have cancer because, for the first time in years, she’s been posting publicly for some reason. One of her posts has a picture of Get Well cards and flowers displayed in her kitchen that she got after having radiation treatment. She didn’t say what kind of cancer she had but in another post, she mentioned needing some R&R after treatment and going to Crater Lake up in Oregon. She’s in her late 50s to early 60s, so hopefully, she’ll be OK.

I didn’t say anything to her or Shannan of course because I know I’m not going to get any response. I would have thought medical professionals would be willing to communicate with former patients they haven’t seen in a while but apparently not. I’m still going to say hi to Doc A after we’ve been in Florida a while, even though I don’t even know if she’ll see it and I do know she won’t reply if she does.

Scratch that. I just left Holly a few voice messages telling her I recently lost my bestie to cancer, and I really feel for her.

I was a bad girl when I left a less-than-kind comment when I found a picture of Polly that her daughter Miranda shared of her on Instagram before I blocked her. I didn’t realize blocking someone deleted their comments, although I should have figured as much since that makes sense. Yet in the five seconds between the comment and the blocking, it was seen and reported. Then Miranda had one of her friends troll me with their own silly comments. No problem. I simply changed my username which changed the link. Of course, I got hit with a pop-up when I returned to Insta reprimanding me for trolling while they got to get away with being the hypocrites they apparently are. I could have reported them but I’m more of an ignore or block or both kind of person.

Then I hunted the friend down on Twitter. Not surprisingly, her account is private so I requested to be added and left her a tweet.

Tom found these really cool bubble mailers on Amazon that may be a great idea for if I ever have a future Etsy store that takes off. It’s a 20-foot-long thing of bubble-lined mailing material and you cut it to the exact size you need. It seems like a much better alternative to traditional mailers.

Although I’m not in a hurry for new nail stickers, I may splurge on another set. I could use something fun in the midst of all this waiting and all the headaches that come with the delay.

I don’t know if my little magnifying mirror is 10X or 20X but for 7 bucks I’ll grab a 20X. If this doesn’t help since they don’t seem to go any higher than 20X, makeup will likely be a thing of the past for me. It’s way too hard to put on! It sucks too because I’ve always liked makeup but I would rather do without that than my nail candy and perfume.

Dyed my hair burgundy again since the color in this cheap dye fades so fast. It looks so good when it’s fresh! I’ll use the last box before we go and then I won’t have any dye to move.

We decided to dismember the doll. Lol, she was definitely the dumbest purchase we ever made. Since we now have an additional trash pickup, we’ll distribute the body parts evenly. I still have the heads and wigs.

I feel like I’m totally losing control of my weight and that waking up in the 160s is just a matter of days now. I went down a couple of pounds over the course of four or five days and then in just one day put it back on. I wonder if some of it is water retention. I’m overdoing the carbs and sodium no doubt. I like the calmness I’ve been experiencing the last couple of days, though despite the frustrations going on.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 16, 2021 So Juneteenth is now a federal holiday. Fucking figures. All to “celebrate” something that happened hundreds of years ago and has nothing to do with today whatsoever. Now how many more names do we have to change and what statues do we have to remove as if we could rewrite history, some of it shitty or not?

The wind must be going the wrong way because everything is so loud out there tonight. You don’t usually hear much of the freeway at this time of year but I can hear that and of course the planes. A few spurts of barking as well but as annoying and as loud as it is, at least it’s only a few barks at a time. Wish I could turn off the sound machine and air cleaner to give my ears a break. Maybe I can do that in the next place at night but not here. Here I would rather hear my shit than the rest of the world’s.

There was a mountain lion spotted near Verner yesterday. Well, we live off Verner. From the talk on the Citrus Heights pig page on Facebook, the mountain lion went to pay its respects to Bob and Virginia.

Just 8 days to go! He contacted Pierce to ask what was up and make sure everything was going on time and he said he hasn’t heard back from anybody so we’re hoping that no news is good news. What’s a bit strange is that the cleaning lady still hasn’t gotten back to us.

We’re getting groceries tomorrow for what will probably be the second to last time.

Also, instead of throwing my clothes haphazardly into trash bags, I’m rolling them up and shoving them into bags that you vacuum-seal to save space. Our stuff is easily under 4,000 pounds but it’s mostly about how much space your stuff takes up. It’s $6 for each cubic foot of space you fill.

I’ve been playing around with Instagram and getting to know it a bit more but I’m still not sure what to make of it. I don’t want to directly shoot pics to Insta so that I get a chance to review them first. Not every pic we take is a good shot. I don’t like the way they square off the images cutting off the tops and bottoms of portrait images and the sides of landscape images. I’m surprised how many people started following me after I shared the link. I guess I’ve got more readers than I realize, LOL.

It may be a good place to upload and share pics, and I definitely plan to take many along the way. Just uploaded my latest nail pic.

Got to remember to do things when we get settled like change to the new time zone on some sites I use like PB.

I talked to Bob C’s son on Facebook, the guy I first bought incense from when we lived in Maricopa that ended up going to prison. I asked the son if he could ask him if he happened to remember the name of his supplier and he replied with his number saying Bob said I could call him. I was going to at first but then decided against it. Why can’t he simply tell his son the name and have him tell me? Besides, he’s on a lifetime of intense probation and I don’t want to be associated with anyone like that. I’m sure the pigs keep tabs on all his communications.

TUESDAY, JUNE 15, 2021 At midnight there should be just 9 days left. Yes, we are now down to the single digits! Woot!!! I can now see what the weather is going to be on the day we move on my Windows weather app since it shows 8 days at once.

Something else special happens at midnight and that’s our 27th anniversary! 27 wonderful, fun, adventurous, and sometimes downright frustrating and scary years. Wouldn’t trade him for the hottest chick in the world. Beauty really is only skin-deep although I can’t imagine ever getting with him in the first place if I found him literally unattractive. Never could get into someone I personally found to be just there or ugly. So yeah, looks do still matter to a degree. Overall appearance and personality matter more to me than body parts but I know everyone’s different. I’ve met some who swear looks don’t matter and others who say body parts absolutely do matter.

Not sure yellow is my color but the coverup I got for the beach and pools fits perfectly.

Packed a little more stuff but again, we do need to live for another nine days so some things have to wait. The car gets picked up on the 21st and our stuff between the 21st and 23rd, but probably the 23rd.

I just don’t like this anxiety I’m feeling, mild or not. I’m like please tell me I’m not gonna get hit with debilitating anxiety on top of the stress and lost sleep that goes with moving! I’m overwhelmed enough and I don’t need more than I can handle thrown at me. Don’t like the mild chest pain I have now either.

I know this is just a dream but it would still be nice to be in a pet-free park even though it isn’t literally “pet-free” because service dogs are less likely to bark.

In light of the heatwave coming up, I wonder if they’re going to do any rolling power outages while I’m sleeping. God, I hope not! I still have night sweats and sleep hot enough even with the AC down to 75 instead of the usual 78 I keep it at. If there was ever a time my sleep was critical it’s now!

MONDAY, JUNE 14, 2021 Watching a particular Lifetime movie gives me one more reason to be grateful we never had kids. A woman’s neighbor called Child Protective Services on her for refusing to loan her money. I totally wouldn’t put it past the drama queen to pull sadistic shit like that. In fact, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she’s lodged phony complaints against others that have pissed her off in the past.

I don’t know if I’m just being paranoid or what but sometimes I still feel like I’m being watched online. Obviously, whoever may be watching can’t be that harmful since no one’s done anything to me but I’ve come to realize all the horrible possibilities that could come of me mixing social sites and allowing people to learn my full name along with the names of others. Once you know someone’s full name you can find out locations and all kinds of shit.

July or August is when I expect to get into our new place. I want to wait till it’s been over a year, and I don’t mean just a month or two over, so maybe I’ll make myself the termites’ Christmas present for 2022. LOL

Still feeling a bit off. I just hope to hell the anxiety isn’t going to continue to worsen and cause me to have a hell of a lot more to worry about than just being tired on moving day. I would really really hate to have horrible anxiety on what should be an exciting day, tired or not!

Due to the mounting stress and excitement, I’ve been sleeping horribly. I kept waking up a million times last time and sometimes I wasn’t sure I would be able to get back to sleep. Still have night sweats, too.

But 10 more days. Just 10 more days as long as everything goes well! We hope to learn a lot more tomorrow and have things just about completely finalized.

I just hope to hell I’m not exhausted, anxious, or feeling like shit with a racing heart or overheated with hot flashes during the actual move! It’s going to be a very long day. I’ll be getting up around 5 in the morning and a little after 10 our flight leaves. We’ll be shooting up to Seattle on a small plane before an hour layover and then flying to Florida where we should arrive after 10 p.m. ET. We’re going to fly Delta this time.

I felt fine yesterday but today I’m having mild anxiety. My supplements and nuts aren’t helping. God, I hope I’m not ramping up to another bad anxiety spell! I still hope it’s hormones but worry it’s the medication. I so totally don’t want this shit following me but I know it will. I just can’t imagine it ever going away after all this time. Then again, maybe Gennev and the other stuff are helping since I haven’t had nearly as many anxious days this month as last month. At least not so far.

Anyway, our biggest fear right now are delays that could possibly throw things off and cost us a lot more money. But it says in the contract that it’s all contingent upon her house selling. The thing that pisses me off is knowing that if they cause a problem on their end whether it’s something they could help or not, it will be at our expense and there won’t be a damn thing we can do about it.

This will be his first time in Washington as well as mine. We came pretty damn close when we took the train from Oregon on the way to the airport in Portland back in 2006. So one more state to add to my list. It reminded him of his oldest brother Raymond who died about 15 years ago. He was stationed there for a while and that’s where he met his wife Noralee. He was curious as to whether or not she was still alive, so I looked her up and from what I can tell, she is. She’s living in an apartment in Phoenix and is 80 years old.

Finally found a picture of Bob and Virginia’s grave even though there were never obituaries. They’re “stackables” and just an 8-minute drive away. Where the people in the Calvary Cemetery are just a few hundred feet away, Bob and Virginia are a few thousand feet away at the Sierra Hills Cemetery.

Tom believes they’re together in the afterlife and I still don’t know what to believe. Do they wish they could come alive, claw through the dirt and walk back home to resume living? Or are they in some other place whether that may be better or worse? Or are they simply just dead? I can’t help but wonder about these things.

Virginia once told me that Bob was telling someone that they’re living too long since many people are living longer these days. I wondered if that was a complaint or just him joking around. I’m guessing it was probably both. I got the feeling they got bored doing the same routine every day for so many years. Even I get bored in my 50s. No matter how much you may enjoy the things you do, doing them every day year after year, does have a way of getting old. I prefer to live another 20 years but this is part of why it wouldn’t hit me as hard if I was told I was going to die now as opposed to 20 years ago.

I might have stopped gaining weight but damn does it make things so much harder. It’s harder to run or do anything physical, especially anything jarring like jumping. It’s even harder to bend over to cut my toenails. But sadly, all I can do is what I’ve been doing and that’s to accept it and live with it until and if there’s ever a safe and effective breakthrough. I have zero control over my weight.

I hope the pigs are settled and happy in their new homes. Every time I take hold of a plastic bag, fry food, or run water I still expect the screaming to start.

Andy told me one of the negative things about living where he’s lived for the last 14 years is the horrible odors he has to deal with from his Asian neighbors’ cooking and especially another neighbor’s charcoal grill because it triggers his asthma. He said when he asked the woman if she would be willing to switch to a gas grill, she got so offended that she didn’t talk to him for three years. That is so, so typical too. This, along with the Phoenix freeloaders putting a complex on me after the hell they put me through, is why I won’t complain unless I really have no choice. It’s never done me any good. Well, rarely. There were a few who cared enough to consider me but for the most part, people just don’t give a shit. They either do nothing to change their ways or they spite you for complaining just like the welfare bums, Andrea at the Vista Ventana, and the office here.

Here we go with the obnoxious buzzing of either a small plane or a helicopter. 10 more days left of this shit! God, I hope so anyway. Really, really hope this doesn’t follow me. I don’t expect to hear much in the way of commercial planes there but I sure hope there aren’t many small planes or helicopters either that I can’t even go one single hour without hearing. I just want my nights back! Every other place was usually quiet at night but not here. If it isn’t the freeway, it’s something in the sky. Plus the loud paper delivery car. I hate having three sides of our place flanked by streets!

I can’t wait to give this park a piece of my mind when we’re gone but the termites are going to wait. Even if the termite doesn’t make up some bullshit story that the pigs fall for and no one comes to the door, mail could still be forwarded and I don’t want that. I’ve waited this long so I can wait another year, and besides. That’s better than the 2.5 years I’d have to wait if it wasn’t for COVID and the layoff.

We’re in for another heatwave in a few days with triple-digit temps. I really hope the AC doesn’t give us any shit!

Just put some scented oil in my diffuser. They’re a hell of a lot easier to clean than wax warmers but the only thing I don’t like is that since oil floats on top of water, the smell dissipates long before it empties out and turns off.

SUNDAY, JUNE 13, 2021 I remembered why I had “July” in my journal notes yesterday. It’s because I totally doubt I’ll make it to July without getting anxious again. I haven’t made it more than a month in a while now. I’ll know just how helpful (or not) the supplements I’ve been taking are depending on what happens over the next few weeks. I’m still doing the combination of black cohosh tea and tablets along with magnesium a couple of times a day.

We’ve booked our hotel, we’ve got our first-class tickets, and we’re about 90% packed. Oh, the happy tears that flow on and off! But the stress is ramping up along with the sadness of not having my bestie to share these moments with. We loved each other like sisters and it just sucks that she’s not here. Tom believes she somehow goes on and knows what’s going on but I don’t know what to believe. It’s one thing to believe Paris exists even though I haven’t seen it firsthand, but another to believe things that no one has seen or that may very well be just stories or the false beliefs of those who swear on them.

Here’s something pretty freaky, though. I’m listening to a book right now that deals with a woman who is dying of cancer. Well, her name is Alison and she’s 40 years old. How weird is that?! That’s freakier than the book with the pig named

So like I said, lots of stress right now. I’m excited, I’m missing Aly, but definitely stressing too. The normal kind of stress I’ve always had when something big is going on. Not the hellish anxiety I’ve experienced at the hands of my medication in menopause. They’re distinctly different feelings.

So much could go wrong right now. If there are any issues with Debbie’s house closing escrow, that could really throw things off big time for us and end up costing us thousands of dollars. If all continues to go as planned, then we now have 11 days to go!

The fireproof safe he got actually looks like a mini suitcase that feels like rubber. A metal box would be too heavy to ship, so this will be better.

Woke up a little earlier than usual. Without circadian rhythm disorder, one’s day is typically 24 hours. Mine averages 25 hours and 15 minutes. But I’ve been waking up to pee like crazy lately and if this happens within an hour of when I was going to get up anyway, I can’t always get back to sleep. So my day ended up being 24 hours and 45 minutes. I started off a little tired today but managed to perk up. I still sleep better overall and have less fatigue and lightheadedness than I did when I was in the perimenopause phase, so that’s good.

Wish we were going back in time rather than ahead. It’s gonna be a big jump in one day for one with a rolling schedule whereas if we were going back in time, I’d be on days longer. It’s funny cuz in a sense, he’s jumping into the future. I’m just going back to where I started. LOL

Another sign that I’m sleeping better in general is that I’m not remembering my dreams as much. The only dream I remember was seeing a new doctor but it was an older male instead of a younger woman. I would prefer a woman who’s not fresh out of medical school but experienced enough. I want her to have a good five years or so of experience but I’d like her to be a lot younger than me so that as long as neither of us moves, I can hope to have the same doctor for the rest of my life.

But the doctor in the dream was a guy in his late 40s and I told him I hoped he wasn’t behind because I had a lot of history to catch him up on. He kind of smiled at that and led me into the exam room where he had a small dog. I complimented the dog’s shiny collar and began to tell him of my shitty experiences with menopause and how my medication can fuel my anxiety.

“Are you a mommy?” he asked me.

I shook my head and said, “DES, you know?”

Since I seem to need to eat every three hours or so, once we get settled, I’m going to devise a meal plan where I eat about 300 calories 4 times a day. I couldn’t lose on 1200 calories a day even when I was young but if I keep gaining on that, I really have a problem!

SATURDAY, JUNE 12, 2021 Why the fuck am I sometimes chilly at 79 and sweating like a pig at 78? These are indoor temps I’m talking about. It’s starting to affect my sleep, too. My sleep is still better in general but last time around I slept like I was still in perimenopause. I didn’t just wake up warm a couple of times but I also woke up cold as well. I’m retaining a little water lately too, and I really hope my thyroid hasn’t died off some more.

So that there would be less for him to have to do, I hauled out all the totes from the bedroom and bathroom except for one big one that isn’t fully packed yet and a small one on the closet shelf that’s heavy. I put them in the living and dining area.

I don’t need my Fitbit to know I got some Zone minutes! I just really hope I can handle the move itself between the physical part of it, the heat and humidity, along with the lack of sleep! If I can pack the fan mister, I will.

I tore up our address labels and cleared the desk drawers completely along with the hutch. Not everything is in totes yet, though. We still need things to live here for the next 12 days.

I have “July” listed in my journal notes and I have no idea why. I can’t remember what is supposedly happening in July that I was going to mention tonight but anyway, Pierce says it still looks like we’re on for the 24th. Debbie has accepted our offer and now it’s just a matter of waiting until her place is out of escrow so ours can go into it.

For some reason, electric cars in Florida are much more expensive than here so we’re still on for having our car shipped. If we don’t live close to the beach, we may sell it for a gas car because even though he likes electric way better, this one doesn’t have that long of a range and couldn’t make it that far on one charge.

He had a very frustrating day today when he was trying to line up the moving pods only to learn that there aren’t any available until August. With the pandemic winding down, everyone’s moving like crazy. So after making numerous calls and being put on hold forever, he found a moving company that will pack our stuff and move us and it turns out it’s a grand cheaper than if we did it ourselves, as strange as that is.

He is a smart thinker at times for sure! He decided we should get a safe for important papers and have it shipped to a temporary address we’re going to set up. Very smart idea!

We’re almost certainly going to fly into Tampa and stay in a hotel in Clearwater which he’s also lining up. Very stressful. So much to be done! As he said, one small mistake can lead to big trouble and end up costing us thousands extra.

While he ordered the safe, I grabbed a yellow pool/beach cover-up. I have one but it’s short-sleeved and terry cloth. I wanted something a little thinner and with no sleeves at all.

He has to get his second shingles vaccine when he gets there, and of course, I have to line up new doctors as well.

Windows did an update. Now you can see the temp on the lower right side of the screen. I like that. It’s nice when there are good changes instead of bugs or the loss of handy features.

I created a third Twitter account to do voice tweets. They’re actually video tweets only I don’t show myself. It’s the best I can do directly on the site since we’re not going to get the features iPhones have.

What’s funny is that I followed Molly who followed me back and is so damn stupid she doesn’t even know who I am. Molly doesn’t care about other people’s tweets unless you’re talking about her anyway. But even though it’s the same old shit from her, it is kind of funny. I just wonder how long it will be, if ever, before my name comes up. It beats the days when she used to stalk, follow and pester me on every single site she could, including reaching out to my friends.

What I don’t get is why she remained obsessed with some people while her obsession with others died out. She quit being obsessed with Aly and me, but she sure is hung up on stalking Roman and Kathy relentlessly. She’s also complaining about some people at the group home she lives in not wanting anything to do with her.

There is always drama with her. Always. Even she admits this and says tired of being so moody and hopes her doctors and therapists can help her figure out what to do about it. I think she’s always been this way and she always will be. Some people really never do change. I can’t wait to get the hell out of here! The small planes and helicopters are driving me crazy and so are the barking spells. There are still some commercial planes but not as many at this time of year.

He prepped the ground in front and tomorrow he’ll spread the bark.

FRIDAY, JUNE 11, 2021 The latest is that Debbie’s realtor Lori “thinks” she’ll accept the deal but wants us to be the ones to take care of the ground cover in front, so Home Depot is going to be delivering 30 bags of bark tomorrow. We hate bark but it’s one of the cheapest things you can get that isn’t so heavy like the pea gravel they used to have there. It will cost $250.

We’re going to really try as hard as we can to qualify for a co-op where we can own both the land and the house and not have to be bossed around like a couple of kids.

He trimmed some of the bushes that were hanging down over onto Nancy’s place where she keeps her trash bins. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it too because they were hanging over so much that she had to pull the bins out and couldn’t push them back against the retaining wall.

Tomorrow’s the deadline and Debbie has to either accept our offer or back out. I just want to know what’s going on for sure one way or the other! But we don’t know when her house will be out of escrow and therefore when ours can go into escrow. For now, it’s at least looking very likely that we’ll be out of here in two weeks!

Went for a walk, one of the VERY few things I’ll miss. Just down to the lake and back, so I’ll need to do another 15 minutes on the treadmill at some point.

Been having fun creating my own fragrances with my oils. I mixed ylang-ylang with lavender and it smells wonderful. Maybe I’ll add a drop of patchouli next time.

We went to Rite Aid earlier and I picked up some Moscato and strawberry incense. This incense is very strong but it definitely smells like strawberries. I’ll try to save most of it for after bombings to help get that gross poisonous smell out of the air. Living in Florida we’re going to have to bomb a lot more than we do here.

Got the hiccups really bad. Bent over and swallowed two times with my head upside down and it stopped it. Works every time. :-)

I miss wearing toe rings so I ordered a set of 3 for $21. They’re silver and one has clear gemstones while another is wider with a vague floral design. Then there’s one that’s just a plain silver band.

Also ordered what should be our final set of clear plastic storage bins for the move.

So now I have just two Twitter accounts, one for what’s going on and the other for my health. Maybe I’ll create a third one for Vocaroo or just add some voice posts into my what’s-going-on account. It’s obvious Twitter is never going to come through with voice tweets for Android. ☹

Molly doesn’t seem to notice I’m gone yet, that’s how stuck on herself she is. A week after Aly cut ties with her, she checked her tweets and said that the fact that she wasn’t even mentioned told her something rather clear about the selfish drama queen.

THURSDAY, JUNE 10, 2021 OMG, there’s been TONS of barking all around here. It’s never been this bad here before and even Mrs. Twenties is getting annoyed by it. But I can’t tell who it is. Gerry? Santa? Down the street? Somewhere else? I’m so glad we’re moving even though we’re just going to the same thing…until we get soundproofed, go rural, or both.

Or maybe we’re not going to the same thing as I don’t know if I want to go to another park after all the shit I’ve experienced here. Now the fucking park is making even more demands such as needing to give them 60 days’ notice, cleaning the carport, demanding an old rusty cabinet in the back corner be moved, and ground cover in front added.

It’s all I can do to keep from going down to the office and beating the shit out of them. I don’t care if it’s just a fucking form letter! I knew things were going too well too fast and that there were bound to be obstacles. And why the fuck didn’t Pierce tell us about the 60-day thing? He emailed him but who knows how long it will be before we hear back from him?

Yesterday all he did was text us to say that it was up to us what we wanted to do with the door locks and smart switches, so we decided to take the lock in the front door which we like better, and the two smart switches.

I’m too pissed to focus on finishing this entry right now. I’ll add to it when I know more.

Update… He talked to Pierce and we offered Debbie 2K to do what she wants herself. The 60-day thing is nothing to worry about. We just have to hope she accepts our offer because she has until Friday to back out. I was worried about this too. I just sensed she might be picky even though, to be honest, her demands aren’t unreasonable. It’s just a question of whether or not she’s going to ask for more. We’re willing to go as high as 6K. It would be worth it to get the fuck out of here in 2 weeks as planned. We won’t know anything else until tomorrow but we just want to get the fuck out of here already!

That’s twice Molly has now begged me to contact Roman and Kathy who want nothing to do with her to tell them she lost her grandmother and now a cousin. Does she really think they’re going to feel sorry enough for her to want to allow her back into their lives? She is incredibly dumb and naïve! I can totally see why Aly got frustrated and cut ties with her. Everything is all about her and there’s just too much damn drama with her. She’s always angry, down, anxious, or something. Always fighting with people and stalking others.

I didn’t need that particular Twitter account anymore so I simply deactivated and I’m just going to ghost her as Aly did. She’s just too fucked in the head. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone so emotional. I hope she gets the help she needs once and for all. She could never be a true friend just like I once told Aly and I don’t want someone who basically doesn’t give a shit what’s going on with me and is only going to demand I help her stalk people that can’t stand her.

TUESDAY, JUNE 8, 2021 Got a text from Pierce saying he expects to get a report on the inspection today and he also gave us the number of the cleaning lady to verify what she wants and doesn’t want.

As I told Tom about a week ago, I doubted we would make it out of here before there was at least one more water shut-off, and sure enough, that’s exactly what’s going to happen for 6 hours on Thursday. I definitely won’t miss that and being afraid to take showers during the daytime in case they shut us off without warning!

We made what should be our final run to Goodwill and then stopped at Rite Aid. I didn’t get any sugary treats because I don’t want it fueling my anxiety or making my heart race but I did get a couple of small bottles of Pink Moscato, my new favorite. I still love Merlot but hate the way it stains my teeth.

I also got a travel-size bottle of powder for when we’re between homes.

Tom said he was checking out a petless park’s blog where they left a post saying they understand they’ve been getting complaints about service dogs but there’s nothing they can do about them. Yeah, funny how there’s never anything they can do about anything. Either way, I know there’s no escaping the dogs no matter where we go. They’ve been an issue for me since the 90s. Why would that change anytime soon? They’ve just been more of an issue in most other places than here. What I dread most is ending up next to someone who lets their dogs bark out of their lanai or open windows every time someone goes by or they hear something. Even with the soundproofing, I don’t wanna have to hear that shit when I’m outside. This last year has been the barkiest here, mostly thanks to Gerry’s mutt and one down the street. Plus there are Santa’s dogs.

We learned that it’s called a lanai if the porch is screened and a Florida room if it’s got regular windows. I guess I would prefer a Florida room because that would add space to the house.

Had a funny dream about Stacey last night. I went to see her for some reason and was told I would have to wait. The later she was the more I worried I would have to see someone else but then I was told she was 120 miles from Earth. Apparently, she had flown into space either to investigate life on other planets or what planets may be habitable.

MONDAY, JUNE 7, 2021 I miss having more alone time. Not 12 hours a day but 4-6 hours would be nice. I only get that if he’s sleeping when I’m up, though, and I only get to wake up alone like 3 times in a row or something like that.

It really is as if life has become one big waiting room that I spend 80% of my time in as I wait for my life to one day come to an end. I just want a fucking closing date already! And I want clarification as to whether or not we can leave unwanted furniture and other items behind. I was laughing at Tom for wanting to gather hazardous wastes when that would be doing their job for them since someone’s supposed to come through and clean the place anyway, but there are other legalities to consider. Once the house closes, it’s no longer our house and therefore we have no say in anything anymore.

She has until the end of the week to change her mind and I hope to hell she doesn’t! I just want to get this the fuck over with while I’m feeling mostly human. Felt okay yesterday and so far today, so good. I saw a video where an English doctor discusses some symptoms of menopause that can be serious and one of them was headaches which I was lucky enough not to have a problem with. Then there was heavy bleeding, bloating, etc. Then came severe mood swings like anxiety and depression, again giving me hope that it’s not on the medication and that I’ll one day walk away from this for good. For “unlucky” women, it can last 8-10 years, and I assume the clock starts upon entering perimenopause.

Well, if most of my problem has been extreme hormonal fluctuations then I am one of the unluckiest women out there because it has been so intense and so horrible! It has really ruined so much of what would otherwise be a pretty decent life. My worst problems should have been noise, sleep issues, hot flashes, and boredom. Not feeling like I was going to die or so bad that I wished I would.

She said OTC remedies are great for general anxiety and depression but they won’t do much good for severe cases which need help. Yeah, help that doesn’t include intolerable side effects. I can’t really say for sure if the black cohosh and magnesium are helping or not but it seems like it might be at least a little. She also explained why and how the menopause belly is formed and why diet and exercise are usually worthless. Instead, we just have to avoid the kinds of food and drink that aren’t good for us.

We ordered some more black cohosh tablets from Amazon along with tea. This is the brand Kim takes.

Also, I really like clear cosmetic bags so I can see what I have packed in them, especially if they’re not too big. So I decided to get a set of them. I got a set of seven bags each with different color trim. I can use them for other things besides traveling.

I noticed that the red spots on my leg have faded. One of them still feels a bit thick, slightly raised, and occasionally it itches but it’s definitely faded.

We’re having a cool spell now which is bringing out the planes, of course, but I should be sleeping when they’re at their worst. I’m about to make my last flip while we’re here.

I guess Nancy isn’t fully moved in yet after all. No one stayed there overnight.

Every time I swear off OD for good, I end up missing it. I like having a place where I simply share but don’t socialize. This way I can be a little more open without people giving me shit. I just have to create new accounts each month.

I continue to be both baffled and saddened by the world in general, our laws in particular. I fear for the future of women’s rights even though they don’t affect me personally. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Roe versus Wade was overturned. Yes, people are that cruel, twisted, delusional, and downright controlling. They will do anything in the name of their crazy bullshit God and religion. I just hope that if it does come down to most if not many women being unable to get access to abortions they leave the unwanted babies on the doorsteps of the strangers who decided for them that they had to have them if they’re not going to be smart enough to get rid of them on their own, and yes, there are ways. Seriously, though, they should leave notes saying that they were financially, physically, or emotionally unable to care for them but since it was so damn important to these lawmakers that they are born, why don’t they but foot the bill and do the rearing?

Also, I still don’t understand for the life of me why those convicted of any kind of sexual offense are let out to repeat what they cannot deny themselves until they’re finally stopped for good. How many more decades of research and experience do we need to show us that the tiger never changes its stripes and that they are beyond rehabilitation?

SUNDAY, JUNE 6, 2021 Yesterday turned out to be both interesting and shitty. The shitty part was how horrible I felt at the end of my day but the interesting part was what the termite inspector found. He didn’t mention the T-word, which is good but he surprised us with something else. We were making small talk when he was done with his inspection and he noticed the old books on the bottom shelf of the bookcase. We told him they were left by the previous owner. He’s a history buff, so I told him to help himself to whatever he wanted since we’re leaving the books behind. He took one book and then on his way out he asked how long we lived here. We told him it was coming up on 8 years and he then asked if we ever had a dog and we said no.

“There’s a dog down there,” he told us. “A Chihuahua. The skeletal remains of one.”

I was shocked. I don’t know how he could tell it was a Chihuahua but that’s what he said. I’ve racked my brains trying to figure out how it could have gotten there and not one possible scenario makes sense. My biggest question is how did the last inspector that went into the crawl space miss it? Plus the one that inspected the place when we moved in.

One possibility is that one of the previous owners didn’t feel like burying it when it died and so they dragged it under the house. But then wouldn’t the smell of decomp stink no matter what time of year?

Another possibility is that it got trapped down there when the opening to the crawl space happened to be open which would be the only way it could get down there in the first place. But then wouldn’t people hear it barking?

Another possibility is that it was buried there before the house was brought in in 1984. But then wouldn’t even the bones be gone by now?

Regardless, it made me wonder right away if there could be a connection to why I’ve felt so bad here, but Tom laughed and said he doubted the spirit of a dead Chihuahua was affecting me. Yeah, realistically, I doubt it too, along with there being any connection to the cemetery nearby. Although a hell of a lot smaller, we’ve lived closer to cemeteries before where our lives were pretty damn good.

Anyway, it ended up being the same old shit…heart racing, feeling warm, feeling breathless, and then tired. I know that these can be symptoms of heart disease except I don’t have any other symptoms and my heart has been listened to recently. Then there’s the fact that just under 5 years ago I had a stress test and an EKG. So there shouldn’t be anything wrong with my heart despite my family history and my high cholesterol and blood pressure. In another decade, maybe. But now? Probably not.

I’m just tired of feeling like shit so often and how nothing I do to try to help myself seems to make much of a difference. It’s really sucking the life right out of me. My life could be damn near perfect if I just didn’t have this interfering with things. Every day I wake up and wonder if my own mind and body are going to torture me. And I wonder the same damn things I’ve been wondering for years now…how much could be changing hormones versus the medication? I feel like this hell will never end and I worry and wonder how I’m going to manage such a big move feeling so bad so often.

By the end of next week, we should have a moving date because that’s how much time she has to decide whether or not to back out. She better not! I just want to get this over with because I know some of the stress has to be coming from that. I just want to get settled in the new place, wherever it is! We’re hoping to get the moving pods around the 18th, get out of here and into a hotel on the 23rd, close on the 24th, and fly out on the 25th, but life isn’t usually what we plan it. As it is, things have been going so amazingly fast so far that I fear the carpet being yanked from under our feet any second now.

Aly has been gone a month now and there is still a horrible hole in my heart and my life without her. No one can ever replace Alison P. When I learned of the dog I wished I could share it with her and see what her opinion was. It’s hard not being able to share this whole process of moving with her.

Nancy is now moving in. I wish she’d waited till we got out of here just in case she’s a company or project junkie. But then she’ll probably be a good neighbor because we’re moving.

I had a nightmare that woke me up 2 hours after I crashed which definitely didn’t help my mood and makes me wonder. In the dream, I was crouched on a cement walkway by a river. Tom was sitting on a chair nearby when I spotted a raccoon in the water. But then it hopped up onto the walkway and I noticed the end of its nose was flat like a pig’s. It looked like a possum with a blunt nose. It stood right by me and I was afraid to move not knowing how it might react. I told Tom to get up and scare it off but he just sat there silently. Then I lost my balance and tumbled into the river. The water was icy cold and had a surprisingly strong current that pulled me away from the edge of the walkway and toward a waterfall. Yet despite knowing I was going to drown, Tom remained speechless and motionless as if he were in shock.

Then I had weird dreams like suddenly realizing I was riding my bike without pants on and hoping my shirt was long enough to hide it.

Then I was sitting at the side of a street just outside a friend’s house that was around the corner from mine. I was there to show support after some people in the neighborhood had picked on her. She stepped out for a minute to dump trash but if she saw me, she didn’t say anything. Then I realized it was stupid of me to be out there because I was opening myself up to trouble if the troublemakers decided to visit her, so I quickly gathered the bowl of popcorn I’d been eating and scurried off to my place.

When I entered what was the kitchen of my house, I asked Alexa to turn on the lights. Not surprisingly, she asked if she was talking to me since I wasn’t using my regular voice. I was trying to keep my voice down so as not to disturb anyone else in the house.

SATURDAY, JUNE 5, 2021 Pierce came by yesterday and answered our questions. He also was kind enough to give us a gift. A box of the best brownies I’ve ever had in my life. They were absolutely fantastic! We still don’t have an exact date but it will likely be in about 3 weeks from now that will be gone.

Today is critical because it’s termite inspection day and that could really throw a kink in our plans, so fingers crossed!

I don’t know if this is a matter of routine or not but they restocked the flyers attached to our for-sale sign.

When I saw that Dahl had backed his truck out onto the street yesterday I thought, Oh no, I’m not going to get out of here before I have to listen to that fucking saw again, assuming he was having lumber delivered. Instead, he was just having decorative rocks delivered to place alongside his carport.

Again I caught Joe at the mailboxes and he asked about next door and I told them they both died and that their daughter Nancy would be moving in soon.

So I got a meme from Andy about being black for the month. rolls eyes and sighs frustratedly I was wondering when the race shit would start. I suppose next is God? Some people really do never change. I’ve gone Aly on him. Meaning, I’m just ignoring it. I don’t know if he’s just that forgetful or just doesn’t care but I’ve made it clear numerous times what I’m into and what I’m not yet it seems to go in one ear and out the other. Same old Andy in that respect. I’ll just ignore what doesn’t interest me. No point in wasting my time yet again asking that he refrain from sharing anything pertaining to the topic. And I’m not obligated to defend myself as to the reasons why either. We’re never going to see eye-to-eye on that issue so why bother?

FRIDAY, JUNE 4, 2021 I keep forgetting to mention that I once read that you may not feel the effects of a massive overdose of levothyroxine for 11 days after taking it. This is why I wonder if it's connected to why I don't always feel better right away when I skip doses.

Battling weight with Hashimoto’s and menopause is a real bitch. I'm fighting tooth and nail to keep from becoming more than 30 lbs overweight and I still think in the end it's going to be a losing battle until and if they ever come up with a safe and effective way to counteract it. For now, I'm just going to up the exercise and lessen the snacks. Gotta go easy on the nuts, beneficial or not, because they are fattening.

Pierce is coming to do a final “walk-through” as he put it in his text message at 11. But we thought final walk-throughs weren't done until closing time? Well, we’ll find out because we do have some questions for him. Hopefully, we can get a moving date today!

Christy was out mapping the trees and shrubs which they routinely do when someone moves. She's such a sweetheart compared to Joy.

We're still weighing the pros and cons between the Gulf Coast versus the Atlantic Coast. The Atlantic has more to offer as far as homes for sale, stores, restaurants, and doctors, but there are more people and it's more expensive there. We considered starting off on the Atlantic side and if we were unable to find anything by the time our car was shipped to us a week later, we might drive across to the Gulf side. It's just that with an electric car, it would be a hell of a long drive because we would have to stop along the way to charge it. Plus we would have to go a little out of our way because there are no chargers available on the quickest route.

THURSDAY, JUNE 3, 2021 The AC is fixed! It was 101 degrees when it crapped out on us. Turns out it was a blown fuse. It cost us $175 which was around what we were expecting. The guy was able to come out just after 10.

It was the first time I was actually glad for the big high-low swings drier climates have otherwise we wouldn’t have been able to keep the place from going above 86 degrees later in the day. Either way, I miss evaporative coolers. I definitely prefer fresh air and open windows (when I can stand the noise) to air conditioning.

Yesterday I felt so good. The only thing spoiling it was knowing that it was the exception and not the norm. I’d like to think the mix of black cohosh, Gennev magnesium, and now Brazil nuts are helping to stabilize my mood but it’s too soon to jump to that conclusion.

When I realized my heart beating harder as it has lately could be due to not exercising as much, thanks to being tired, I began making a point of working out more consistently no matter how I feel, even if I have to do it in spurts. So back to a half-hour a day most days of the week!

Forgot to say that we’re not going to stay in a hotel the entire time we’re waiting to get into a house. That would be ridiculously expensive. It’s just that we would prefer to check out places you rent by the month in person. Better to see things with your eyes than go by what you see online and be stuck there.

I’ve been putting together a packing list of all the things we’ll need to take with us. OMG, all the mixed emotions! I’m so excited and so happy to be getting out of here that I feel my eyes sting with tears of joy. Then they’re quickly replaced with ones of sadness because I can’t share everything that’s going on with Aly. I still miss her immensely. There will be times I’ll look at the clock and think, she should be home from work now and just about ready to check in on Skype.

We both disabled the option of being able to be looked up on Skype, just in case the termites try to contact us in the future as I reckon they will.

I just wish my dreams would give me an idea of where in Florida we should go! So much for being psychic lately, although I will be correct on some details that either came to me and dreams or that I sensed while awake. We’re going to just have to pick a place and go. There is a house on the Gulf side I’m interested in but I don’t expect it to be available by the time we get there.

Wish I knew our moving date for sure! Wonder if we’ll get out of here before they turn the water off again. They should have had time to go over the inspection report so I’m guessing we’ll hear from them soon. I guess the dryer vent isn’t up to code as far as its placement and they want it run through the wall instead of the floor. The question is how much of it we’ll have to do ourselves versus being able to pay for her to do it. We’d rather give her more money to do it herself than save money by having to do it ourselves. We just want to get the fuck out of here already!

I caught Joe driving by, so I ran down to pick up the mail from him and he mentioned us moving and we chatted a bit. I told him to look me up on Facebook if that was his thing but he said it wasn’t really. Yeah, I kind of can’t see Joe doing Facebook.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 2, 2021 Again with the skunks waking me up. Fucking ridiculous. We can’t get out of here fast enough! Especially now that our AC crapped out on us. OMG, what horrible timing! I hope to hell he’s right in thinking it’s a simple fix and that we don’t have to replace the whole damn thing. I would absolutely HATE to lose 5K just so we could basically buy HER a new AC. Her as in Debbie, the lady that bought our place. She came around with the inspector yesterday.

The inspector was nice for an inspector. Even though it took a few hours after he left for the AC to quit, I really hope he wasn’t somehow responsible. The biggest thing is that we’re out hundreds at most and not thousands.

Turns out a couple of drain pipes are leaking and there are tons of dryer lint and leaves underneath the house. We knew about the dryer lint. The people that inspected the place for us eight years ago told us about it but we weren’t worried because there’s no source of ignition down there that could start fires.

Debbie also had the inspector measure the rooms which she said would be for furniture. She’s going to have the place painted before she moves in. She was smartly dressed (a lesbian?) with a beautiful diamond necklace that must have cost a fortune, and after living in her nearly half a million-dollar home for 37 years, we’re guessing she has a lot of money. It’s going to be just her and her two cats, just like Nancy.

She asked that we leave the bench swing on the patio, and we had planned to leave that along with the table Bob gave us. I get the impression she’s going to pay for what she wants to be done but we don’t know for sure because we’re not familiar with the whole process and all that. I just worry that she may be the type to demand this and that at the last minute like the couple that bought our Phoenix house did. I sure hope not! So we don’t know for sure who’s paying for what and what the costs are going to be. I would just hate to lose a good chunk of the sale money! Her place is in escrow and she can’t pay us until she receives the money from the sale of her house. Right now it’s still looking like we’re going to leave at the end of the month. It just can’t come fast enough!

Thanks to his smart thinking, we’re not going to stay at a vacation rental but just get into a hotel instead. We would hate to rent a place for a couple of months just to find it’s noisy or there’s something wrong with it and not be able to get out right away. Yes, it’s the offseason but that doesn’t mean there wouldn’t be college kids on break that are partying it up or something like that in vacation rentals or large rowdy families.

Anyway, he ran and got the portable AC out of the storeroom. Thank God we got that thing! In about 10 minutes, he had it in the bedroom window. He stayed up late and left me a message telling me not to freak by the open windows, reminding me that he sprayed not long ago. Bugs are the least of my concerns now. It’s how much money we’re going to lose that I’m worried about. He called someone but they didn’t get back to him because it was just after five. As I said, this is horrible timing in many ways. We’re just days away from moving, we’re having a heatwave, and it was at the end of the day. Right now, after 4 a.m., it’s a chilly 74 in the bedroom and a comfy 77 outside of it. The breeze feels nice. 77 is too warm for sleeping, though. 75 with a fan is doable but even that’s a bit warm. I sleep best at 68 to 72 but I don’t expect to ever be in temps that low again except for maybe a few days out of the year where we’re going.

Been looking at places on both sides of the state and right now there’s an older house in a small town listed as being in a “low” noise zone with nothing behind it and it’s definitely more appealing even if it’s a little more expensive than the Ormond Beach one that was a much newer house. Houses are selling like crazy now so I don’t expect them to be on the market when it comes time. No matter how great that soundproofing material that was designed by NASA may be, I would really prefer to get a little breathing room around us and not be so tightly flanked by streets and houses like the park the newer house is in.

We ran out to Safeway before the inspector came and Marie checked in after I posted a journal entry. But it showed that she made two page views so maybe one of them was a story chapter. I post a chapter when I get up and one toward the end of my day. I’ll do this until I have all my books posted in my second account.

I didn’t have any anxiety yesterday but my heart beat a little hard for a while. I’m hoping it’s only because I’ve gotten a little out of shape from being too tired to work out.

We ordered the Brazil nuts which I figured Safeway wouldn’t have. They will arrive today. Fucking $15 for a pound.

TUESDAY, JUNE 1, 2021 This is the second time Walmart didn’t have Brazil nuts. I’ve heard and read good things about them having positive effects on those with anxiety or depression because of their high selenium content. Later we’re going to go to Safeway and look there but also just to get out. We’ll do this before the inspector arrives at 10. Going to pick up some wine and the mints I forgot to get with our last order.

I did get a mix of other nuts high in serotonin and that seemed to boost my mood unless it was just a coincidence. I spent most of the day on edge but didn’t actually get anxious. I also had a turkey bacon wrap which has tryptophan.

Kim told me that once she started the black cohosh, the hot flashes stopped soon but it actually took weeks for the anxiety to dissipate. She doesn’t remember exactly how many weeks, though. That’s a little encouraging, I guess. I still take one before bed but I haven’t taken one at the beginning of the day. Instead, I’ve had black cohosh tea.

I don’t know if I should hold off on the magnesium until 4 hours after taking my medication or not but I’m going to anyway since my mood tends to be worse later in my day. I got up 3 hours ago, so I’ll take it in another hour or two. They recommend one to four capsules and I’ve been taking two so far.

Really hope the inspection goes well today! I noticed we’re not listed on Lyon anymore but we’re still on Coldwell Banker.

Marie hasn’t read me for the last couple of days and I also haven’t updated my public journal in a couple of days. So I wonder if her absence is because she’s not interested in the stories which I have shared, or if she’s just been busy over the long holiday weekend. I’m gonna stop coding stories so I know that whoever shows up on my report visited my journal.

Found this really nice 2005 place that’s incredibly cheap for a house that young in a tiny park that doesn’t seem to allow motorcycles. The only negative is that it’s right by the pool. There is a utility shed between the house and pool but since it’s not very wide, it wouldn’t block any loud laughter or visiting brats.

It’s in Ormond Beach which seems to be a nice place as it has everything we could need.

I told Tom I hope the manager isn’t like Joy or Stacey wherever we end up, but as he pointed out, they likely will be. Certain people get into those types of jobs for the same reason most cops become cops…because they’re control freaks who need to feel powerful and all that shit.

That’s the only thing that sucks about going to a park. We couldn’t complain to management if God forbid we had a problem with anyone since they’d just spite us for it. But then sometimes it really is better to take care of your problems on your own and not have others do it for you as I still think we should have in the past.

Since he and I have known each other, we’ve only flown four times. To Laughlin once, Florida twice, and Hawaii once. This may be our last flight since we don’t need to fly to where the ships are for cruising unless we go on a helicopter.

Had a dream I lived in a neighborhood somewhere along with Marie and a couple of other Valleyhead “sisters.” Tom and I were really busy gathering stuff for the bulk pickup and doing some heavy cleaning as well. One of the sisters (Marsha C?) approached me and asked if she could talk to me. Because I was busy I asked how long it would take.

“Well, more than 3 minutes,” she said.

I said, “Alright, I can always make time for a sister. What’s up?”

“The baby,” she said looking at me disdainfully along with Marie and someone else.

I quickly became both irritated and frustrated to be confronted about something I said to another sister about a baby that was perceived as negative as if I was discouraging someone from having one or something like that. Wishing I told her it had to wait, I simply said, “Look, I can’t undo what I said, and besides, don’t we all have a right to our opinion?”

Then I looked at Marie and wanted to ask how she went from being totally obsessed with me to always ignoring me.

[thisaintascenereviews]

Every music fan knows the struggle of having too music to listen to in any given year; there are almost always a handful of albums that come out each week, and it can be hard to keep up. Aside from that, there is also a lot of music released that doesn’t warrant much of a reaction. Not that the music itself is bad, but a lot of albums are uneventful in the sense that they don’t need a lot to be said about them. Sometimes all you can say is that an album is good or bad, but the problem with being a music critic, writer, or whatever you want to call yourself is that if you need to write something or make a video about an album, you can’t just say that and call it a day. When I wrote reviews more full-time, versus sporadically like I do now, I wrote pieces on everything I was listening to, regardless of what I thought and how much I had to say, but that is one major reason why I got burnout from writing. I could only say so many times that I didn’t have much to say about something, but I’ve circumvented that by every now and again putting out a review that’s more or less a much of blurbs about albums that I don’t have much to say about, but I still want to talk about. My last review was kind of like that, where I talked about a few albums that were very similar, but still different. Today I wanted to do something like that, only instead of dedicating a paragraph to an album, I wanted to write a few sentences about a handful of albums that came out recently within the last few weeks. I call this “Speed Round Reviews,” and I may do this once a month or every other month when I listen to enough albums that I don’t feel the need to dedicate an entire review to. These albums are not connected in any way, shape, or form, and they’re all albums I’ve listened to that have come out recently.

The Band Camino - The Dark

If you’re an alt-rock fan, you already know who this band is, because they’ve been around for years, but The Band Camino is seemingly trying to go for broke with The Dark, their first album in two years and post-pandemic. This record is a lean half hour slice of pop-rock / alt-rock with some slick hooks, solid guitarwork, and nice vocals, but the lyrics leave a lot to be desired and is the main reason why I haven’t listened to this album as much as I would like. They range from decent to really bad, and I’m not usually a stickler for lyrics, unless they’re that bad, and some of the lyrics on this are sort of painful, but at least the album is nice to listen to, so if you “turn your brain off,” you may get something out of this.

Caskets - Reflections

British metalcore band Caskets are geared up to be the next big thing in their scene, especially with newly released sophomore album, Reflections. I’m late to this band, but I really enjoy metalcore bands that incorporate pop, hard-rock, electronica, R&B, nu-metal, and other various kinds of rock and metal into their arsenal, such as Issues (RIP), Wage War, Archetypes Collide, and I Prevail, but Caskets is a band that’s poised to cross over. Their vocalist has a great voice that can really pull off pop and R&B sounds, but can also pull off metalcore and hard-rock sounds. Their debut album featured more passages that had straightforward pop and R&B elements, whereas Reflections dials that down a bit, only to focus more on the metalcore, hard-rock, and pop/electronic sounds, but this record is a short burst of catchy, melodic, and well-written crossover hard-rock and metalcore that is sure to win over fans of these types of bands. Reflections won’t blow your mind, necessarily, but it does a fine job with what it’s trying to do.

Hail The Sun - Divine Inner Tension

I’ve gotten very jaded, tired, and bored of the post-hardcore sub-genre known as “Swancore” over the last decade or so, which was named for the specific style that Dance Gavin Dance guitarist Will Swan utilizes, as a lot of these bands that have popped up in that time all sound the same. I thought the band Hail The Sun was part of that wave, as they got big around 2014, and I was never a fan of them. With a lot of these bands breaking up, and/or falling into obscurity, their new album, Divine Inner Tension, is very surprising and refreshing. It reminds me a lot of bands from the mid-00s with very frantic, energetic, and fun guitarwork with some catchy hooks and solid vocals, akin to The Fall Of Troy, and this is the kind of progressive post-hardcore that I used to enjoy way back in the day. It’s not revolutionary, but the guitarwork is wild, the vocals are surprisingly really good (he reminds me a LOT of Circa Survive and Saosin vocalist Anthony Green), and they throw in a few breakdowns and harsh vocals for good measure that hit harder because they don’t show up often.

Starletta - Neon Cowboy

The Internet is a beautiful place, because I found Nashville synthwave artist Starletta with his debut album, Neon Cowboy, through Tik Tok. This is a catchy, slick, fun, and still sad pop and synthwave album that takes a lot of notes from the 1980s. If you love 80s pop, you’ll love this album. His voice is fantastic, and the lyrics are pretty sad and “emo,” but you’ll be singing along to a lot of these in no time. I look at this album as being a story of a person getting over a breakup, only to find happiness with somebody new at the end. The album even has a bit of a country feel on a few songs, which makes sense considering the title, and it oddly works. Also, alt-rock band Glimmers makes an appearance on the closing track that feels more joyous and happy, and it’s a damn good feature. They could make a pop album or EP and it would sound great. If you enjoy pop, alt-rock, or bands with an 80s aesthetic or influence, you’ll probably really like this.

Bearings - The Best Part About Being Human

Canadian pop-punk band Bearings is back with their third long-player, The Best Part Of Being Human, and this might be their best album. This is more or less a condensed version of what they’ve been doing, at least a combination of their first two albums. They started off as more straightforward pop-punk and turned more into a pop-rock / alt-rock band, whereas this album is a good mix of the two. It’s only 29 minutes, and the album has a nice summery feel to it, so listen to it while the summer is still left. The lyrics are a little corny, and syrupy sweet at times, but that’s how this band has always been, only they upped the ante this time. It has some good hooks, and their vocalist is the best he’s ever sounded, as his nasally sound in his voice from the last couple albums has almost been smoothed out, but this was a pleasant album from front to back (not to mention, there’s a great little sax solo on the album that really surprised me).

Movements - Ruckus!

Movements is a band that I’ve always been mixed on; I loved their debut EP from 2016, but I haven’t cared for anything else they’ve done. They went from a post-hardcore band to pop-punk and then to shoegaze / indie, and their last LP was a very slow and monotonous album that I couldn’t sit still while listening to. It was very boring, despite not being bad. With their third album, though, they switched up their sound again and the title of it, Ruckus, is oddly fitting, being that this album ups the volume and energy of their last album. This thing is still rooted in post-hardcore, but there’s an alt-rock influence that rears its head throughout it. The songs are catchier, more fun, and less sad. Their lyrics have always been focused on mental health, which is great, but their vocalist has revealed that he is in a very good headspace and didn’t want to keep writing about that, especially since it would come off as fake and disingenuous, but the album is more positive and more fun this time around. Nothing that blows my mind, or really sticks around for me minus more than a handful of listens, but still really good stuff.