#I’m very sad I wanted to do way more but I can’t push myself

[amoebeau]

Not motivated one bit to draw so here’s a culmination of mspaint things from the past week or so (sorry i drew them as cats again. If you knew my vision you’d understand) 

[lilgynt]

YEAH BE SHOCKED AND SAD THAT IM LEAVING YEAHHHHHHHHHHH

[desperate-gay]

Alexia Putellas smut

Too Hot

Alexia Putellas x fem!reader

SMUT 18+

summary: a day alone with your wife, you introduce her to a game you saw on a tv shoe

“Mami! Mama! Wake up!” Your daughter, Maria, shouts before jumping on top of both of you, causing the two of you to jolt up and groan from your previously tangled limbs.

“What did I tell you about doing that, chiquita?” Your wife scolds, sitting upright to wake up while your daughter frowns at the stern tone.

“Lo siento.” She apologizes, still holding a sad look on her face before Alexia pulls her in and places multiple pecks all over her face, making the girl giggle. “Mama, save me!” You immediately hook your hands underneath her armpits, lifting her up and shielding her in your arms. Your wife begins to teasingly stalk towards the girl in your embrace and sneak her hand onto her leg, grabbing ahold of it. Maria screams at the feeling of Alexia nibbling at her flesh, acting as if she’s a monster chasing her prey.

The three of you all very awake now stop for a minute to breathe at the playful banter. Your daughter sits in your lap, calming down her laughter from all the tickling.

“Are you excited to sleep at abuelas tonight?” Your tone more exaggerated to get the little girl more excited.

“Si!”

“Si? Ah muy bien!” You pull your daughter into a big hug while Alexia smiles at the interaction. Nothing makes her swoon more than seeing her wife and daughter speak in her native tongue. “Why don’t you go play downstairs while mami and I get ready, and when we get down there, we’ll make the best breakfast ever!”

“How will it be the best?” Maria pulls back, giving you a questioning look.

“Well, I’ll make some pancakes and then I’ll force mami to make her famous tortilla espanola.”

“Yay! Thank you, mama!”

“Of course, now go play while you wait. mami, and I gotta get dressed.” You pat her butt, encouraging her to move faster.

Once your daughter is out of the room, Alexia moves on top of you and pins you down. She nuzzles her face in your neck and starts to suck and nip at your warm skin, but as much as you love the sensation, you groan and push her back a little bit, knowing if you allow her to keep going you’ll never leave the bed.

“Ale, no hickeys! I don’t want to be questioned by your mother when she picks up Ria.” Your protest comes out as a whine as she continues making marks all down your neck, ignoring your light pushes.

“Cover them up then. I can’t help myself. I love it when you call me mami.” She purrs and sucks at one last spot before pulling away to see you all flustered and red. Eventually, you lean up, making the Catalan above you smirk, thinking you’ll give in to her seduction.

Instead, you hover right over her lips and whisper, “Be careful baby or you won’t get your gift tonight.” With that, you peck her lips and quickly slide out from beneath her to head into your closet. Her face looks as vulnerable and confused as a kicked puppy after your rushed admission.

“Gift? What gift? Amor!”

—

“So you got everything? Your toothbrush, hairbrush, clothes-“

The sound of giggling cuts you off, so you turn around and notice Alexia making silly faces and mocking you. When she catches your eye, she places a hand over her mouth and makes a strict face.

“Maria, mama does not look ugly!” She fake scolds, trying to take your glare off of her and onto your guy’s own child.

You roll your eyes before making quick action to grab a pillow and chuck it across the room to hit your wife’s face. Your daughter is now laughing hysterically, seeing her mami fly towards you and lift you over her shoulder while you struggle against her hold and hit her bum.

“Ria, help me! Attack mami!” You demand as you’re getting carried farther into the distance. Once you get slammed into the bed and Alexia traps you under her body with her legs on each side of your waist and her hands pinning yours to the bed, the sound of tiny steps paddle their way down the halls and closer to your bedroom.

“I’m here to save you, mama!”

Maria jumps on Alexia’s back, wrapping her arms around her shoulders and trying to pull her down away from you. The Catalan lets go of your arms briefly to reach for the little girl, allowing you to have more control over your body and move out from between her. Quickly, you stand up off the bed and take the child into your arms before running back into the living room and both grabbing pillows to defend yourselves.

“Shouldn’t have done that you two.” You hear a thick Spanish accent rounding the corner, making you and your daughter lift the pillows even higher. An alarm blares throughout the room, signaling it’s already time for your little girl to go to her abuela’s.

She gathers up all of her stuff and rushes to say goodbye to you.

“Bye, mama. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She says while you place a couple of kisses on her face. Before she can walk out, you scream a wait before rushing upstairs to grab something. Your wife and daughter look at each other with puzzled looks and shrug their shoulders at the same time, which if you had seen, you would’ve thought it was adorable. Making your way back to the front door, you hold out a fuzzy gray object in front of you.

“You almost forgot Ellie.” You pant, holding out the little girl’s favorite elephant stuffed animal. Maria crashes into you and wraps her arms around your legs.

“Thank you, mama! I love you!” You repeat the words back to her as she steps out the door with Alexia.

Sighing, you make your way upstairs to prepare your little gift for your dear wife. The two of you haven’t had a day to yourselves in forever and you’re not going to let it go to waste.

—

About an hour later, a booming voice announces itself throughout the house.

“Mi amor, I’m home!” Alexia frowns at the zero response and heads into your shared bedroom. “Amor?”

“I’ll be out in just a minute. Why don’t you make yourself comfortable on the bed, baby?” You say through the bathroom door, finalizing all the touch-ups on your body. You wrap a robe around you and tie it at the end before opening the door and making your way towards your wife. Alexia lies down with her back against the headboard in gray sweatpants and a black tank top, showing off her defined muscles. You close the bedroom door so Nala, who is currently fast asleep on the couch, doesn’t interrupt you both.

Alexia pats her lap, signaling for you to straddle it. You slot your legs on both sides of her thighs and lean down to sit on her lap. Her veiny hands place themselves on your waist and she ducks her head to start sucking at your neck. Humming at the feeling, you begin to rock her hips and make small noises, causing the taller girl to smirk into your skin. Her hands trail their way to the string of your robe in hopes of untying it, but she’s quickly stopped when you grab her hands and pull away from her lips.

“Why are you stopping me?” Alexia whines in frustration, wanting to do so many things to you.

“I want to play a little game.” Her head snaps up to look at you and sees your mischievous smile.

“I’m listening.” She says a little warily, making you laugh at her concerned expression.

“Relax, it’s not a life or death situation. The game is called too hot. It’s sort of like a competition.” Alexia smirks at the word competition, knowing full well how competitive and determined she is. “We get to have a make-out session, but we have to keep our hands to ourselves. Whoever touches the other first loses.”

She hums and leans her face closer to yours. “You’re going down, princesa.” Her lips ghost over yours while she grips her hands in the sheets to stop her from touching you.

“Not if you go down first, mami.” You smirk when you see her eyes darken and look back up to your eyes. Without warning, she smashes her lips to yours, causing you to let out a small moan and press your lips just as hard to hers. Your hands press up against the headboard above Alexia’s head so your hands don’t touch any part of her. She snakes her tongue into your mouth and swirls around to taste every bit of you.

“You should just give up now, hermosa. We both know you won’t be able to last without me.” Her lips stay hovering over yours while you keep your eyes fixated on them.

“Hmm, I could just grind on you and get off that way, but what’s the fun in that? I want you to touch me so you can rip this robe off of me and hopefully what is underneath it, then fuck me so hard into this mattress the whole neighborhood can hear who I belong to.” With each word, you trail kisses from her jaw to her ear, riling her up more and more. Your teeth tug on her ear, making the older girl groan and cock her head to the side to meet your lips again. The kiss becomes sloppy and needy, mostly because of the pent-up sexual frustration from the past week, not being able to do much more than an occasional quickie.

“Touch me.” She demands, pressing kisses under your jaw.

“If you want me so bad, you touch me.”

“C’mon amor, you just said you want me to fuck you into the mattress, so why don’t you just give up and touch me?” The older girl sucks on the spot underneath the corner of your jaw, knowing how much you love it. She smirks hearing your little moans and whimpers from the kisses.

You thought this game would be fun, but now you’re rethinking your choices. If you give up, you’ll get what you want but with the cost of Alexia bragging everywhere and to everyone. And god knows she will not lose to anything yet to this.

She pulls away after placing three marks down the side of your neck and stares at you with hooded eyes while whispering, “Just touch me and we can be doing a lot of fun things right now, mi amor.” Your lips capture hers quickly to silence her temptation while your hands turn white from pressing against the headboard for so long.

“From what it sounds like, you’re just as desperate as me so just give in, baby.”

She knows you’re right. Every day she has been thinking of bending you over at any chance and absolutely destroying you. Sadly, with a little girl running around, your job, and her games left and right, you both don’t have much time by yourselves. Let alone for sex. In the slight chance of actually having time alone, at least one of you is exhausted. So seeing you grinding on her lap, in a robe that most likely has a sexy two-piece underneath it, is driving her mad.

Every inch of her is screaming to put her hands on you and show you who you belong to, but she won’t lose. She can’t lose. Competitiveness is in her blood and she can’t control it, so she’ll try and break you down until you’re a needy mess and eventually, you’ll touch her, losing the game but getting what the both of you want in the end.

So knowing how headstrong the Spanish woman is, you decide to push her in a way you know will end up getting what you want.

“I bet Mapi is good in bed. I’m sure she would know where to place her hands and how to get me going. Maybe Ona too.” You tease, seeing Alexia’s eyes cloud in jealousy. Without a second thought, her hand reaches out and clasps around your neck, pulling you into her but not to kiss you. Her hand tightens making it harder to breathe while she continues looking at your submissive state.

“You are so pathetic, trying to get me all riled up, talking about my teammates. Well, you got what you want, I’m touching you, but you’re gonna know that I’m the only one who can make you feel good once you’re limping tomorrow morning.” There’s a slight rasp in her voice that lets you know she is on her last nerve. One wrong move and you won’t get off at all. She releases her hold on your neck and moves it to behind your head to pull you into a rough kiss. “You’re gonna put that whore of a mouth to better use and maybe I’ll let you cum tonight.”

You nod quickly in response and begin to swing your leg over her waist so you can give her what she wants, but you’re stopped by her hand forcing your leg back down.

“I thought you wanted-“

“You really thought I forgot about my gift.” Her hand moves to the loose knot and reaches to the string, pulling the robe off of you. A white lingerie set hugs your body just right, making the Catalan basically drool all over the mattress. Her hands rub down your sides and then to the skin of your thighs. Her gaze never leaves your chest which is barely hidden behind the lace.

“Do you like it?” Alexia looks up into your eyes with her mouth slightly open.

“Are you kidding? This is- I- you’re so beautiful, princesa.” A blush reaches its way across your face as the older girl continues to skim her eyes all over you with no shame. “Hmm, as much as I love this, I remember you being a little brat, so you’re going to make it up to me.”

Alexia adjusts herself so she’s flat on the bed while peeling her pants off. You climb down so your knees are at the end of the bed and your face is hovering over her boxers. Your fingers curl at the top of the elastic and begin to pull it down. The girl below you lets out a small sigh as the cold breeze meets her core. You start trail kisses down her stomach, going lower with each peck.

“I want your ass up in the air, bonita.”

One of her hands gathers your hair in a ponytail and twists it to be able to grip it all in one fist. She forcefully pushes your head down, telling you to hurry up. Your tongue licks a long stripe up her slit, testing the waters. You notice her breath hitch at the contact, so you take it as a sign to keep going. While you switch from sucking and licking at her clit, her hand grips tighter on your head and pushes you further into her.

“God your mouth is so good, hermosa. Keep it up and you’ll get a reward.” She groans, tilting her neck back in pleasure, but only for a quick second. Her head snaps back up to see the perfect look of your ass in the air while your head bobs up and down.

Your tongue glides down to her sopping hole and dips in, causing the girl below you to let out a small moan and snap her hips up toward your face. Your thumb moves up to rub soft circles against her clit while your tongue continues to work in and out of her.

“Just like that. Don’t stop.”

So you don’t. You decide to speed up your actions, driving her over the edge. Your thumb continues to rub circles but more softly than before. Her hand in your hair pulls you up so you’re now face to face with her. Her lips latch onto yours and she shoves her tongue in your mouth, swirling around and exploring every inch.

“Do I get my reward now, mami?” You shyly ask, pulling away just enough to be able to see her reaction.

“Why don’t you go grab the toy and we’ll get this party started.”

You’re quick to get off the bed and rush over to the drawer that holds all of your adult toys. Walking over to her, she sits up and grabs the harness from your hands before putting it on. You remain kneeling on the bed, waiting for her to give you instructions for where she wants you.

“C’mere, amor.” She says, patting her lap. You crawl over to her and sit where she patted, continuing to wait to see what she wants. Her fingers find their way to your panties and begin to tug them down, making you lift your legs to fully pull them off. She pulls you in by the back of your neck and smashes her lips onto yours once again while her hand trails down and gathers up your arousal. “How long have you been like this, huh? Dripping and soaking through your panties.”

You whine when her middle and index finger dip into you and pull out, rubbing slow antagonizing circles around your clit.

“Please.” You whisper against her lips.

“Please what, amor? Use your words.”

“Fuck me, please!” After seeing her take control of you, you’ve been a mess. It’s been so long since the both of you have had a night to yourselves and thankfully Alexia’s mom and sister wanted to see Maria. There was no way you could say no.

“Mmm, if you want to get off, you’re doing the work, so sit up for me.”

You lift up your hips as Alexia lines up the toy to your entrance. She pulls you down, allowing you to sink into the toy. You quietly moan at the feeling of finally being filled and start to unconsciously roll your hips which earns you a slap on the ass.

“I didn’t say you could move yet, did I?” She rasps, tilting her head and waiting for an answer.

“No, I’m sorry. I’ve just been waiting for this for a while, it won’t happen again. I promise, baby.” Alexia smirks at your whining and moves her hands to your hips, guiding you to start rocking.

“It’s okay, hermosa. You can keep going, I know you’ve been a needy little thing for quite some time. Get yourself off.”

Slamming your hips up and down causes you to moan extremely loudly, so you lurch over and stuff her head in the older girl's neck.

“We’re alone, we can be as loud as we want to, princesa. Don’t cover up your moans now.” One of her hands grabs your jaw and lifts your head up.

Seeing your eyes close in pleasure and sinful noises slip from your lips makes Alexia go berserk. She doesn’t remember the last time she got to see you like this, and oh is she happy she gets to see it now.

“Such a good little slut, bouncing on my cock like this.”

Without thinking, she grips the front of your lacy bra and rips it in half, pulling it off your body, and causing you to let out a little gasp.

“Ale!”

“Relax, amor. I’ll buy you another set.” Her lips latch onto your nipple and her tongue starts to swirl circles around the nub, making your head snap back in euphoria.

“Oh my god, you feel so good. I’m gonna cum.” You pant, speeding up your hips, but Alexia grabs your hips and flips the both of you over so she’s now on top of you. Her hands grab both of your ankles and lift them on top of her shoulders, making her thrusts go deeper into you. Your moans become louder and more frequent, fueling Alexia’s movements.

“Cum, amor. I know you want to.”

Not another word needs to be said before your head slams back against the mattress and the coil in your stomach snaps, but the Catalan’s thrusts don’t slow down, making you whimper at the overstimulation.

“Oh, bebe. Remember you were being a brat, so you’re going to take what I’m giving you like a good girl. We’re going until you can’t stand.”

And she didn’t lie. After four more orgasms, you had to tap out. She placed you in every position, even having you slammed against the wall with your legs wrapped around her waist at one point. But now you’re far too sensitive to take more, so Alexia being the wonderful wife she is, grabs a rag and wipes you down. She then carries you bridal style to the bathroom so you can do your business and finally relax.

You both now lay in your bed, facing each other and rubbing your hands on the other’s skin.

“You lost, y’know.” You say, breaking the comfortable silence. Without a word, Alexia leans over and playfully bites your shoulder.

“And no one will ever find out or you’ll be taking even more than you did tonight, okay?”

You shiver and obediently nod, causing the older girl to chuckle.

“Good girl.”

—

“Hola, Eli.” You greet your wife’s mom, waiting for your daughter to get all of her things.

“Hola, carino. Fun night?” She asks with a quirked eyebrow.

“Umm, nothing particularly exciting, but it was nice having a night alone.” You smile politely, nodding your head before you feel someone poking your neck.

“The hickeys say otherwise.” Alba snickers, continuing to press on the tender skin. Your hand flies to the spot, covering the, what you thought, makeup-covered skin. An arm wraps around your shoulders and pulls you into their body, you look up and see your wife with a smug expression.

“We had a fun night, right hermosa?”

[minjix]

cinderella → Vinnie Hacker x female!reader

summary: in which you’re the one catching his attention

warnings: fluff, and that’s a warning of itself lol + plus the standard swear word here and there. also I can’t for the life of me write an ending, so I apologize if it feels abrupt-because it is lol. also keep in mind that english is not my first language.

a/n: I write with breaks to actually be able to give it my all and not lose interest in writing- which is a genuine fear of mine

word count: 2.6k :)

masterlist

reblogs and comments are very much appreciated!

It was all a stupid cliche in your eyes as you stared at the tweet Vinnie had posted. “who is she.” Simple as that, yet mostly everyone knew what he was referring to, but they didn’t know whom and Vinnie didn’t know either.

Like previously stated, it was all a stupid cliche- a masquerade party filled to the brim with influencers and small celebrities, crowding a huge mansion which felt tiny as you pushed your way through to get a much needed breath of fresh air, away from the liquor stained breaths.

You sighed in relief as you stepped into the cool L.A, two am breeze, the music thumping through the ground, vibrating your whole body. “I feel the same way,” a dark voice chuckled. Startled, you looked into the direction of which the voice came from, and there he stood, leaning on the wall, head tilted back and eyes on the night sky. He was dressed simple, something you rolled your eyes at, and his arms of which were folded in front of his chest was covered in tattoos. “Huh?” Was all that you managed to get out, your tongue deciding to twist on itself.

The corners of his mouth twitched as though he wanted to smile, but refrained from doing just that. “Wanting to get away for a few minutes,” his voice was velvety and , his skin shone red from the neon lights seeping through the huge windows.

“Oh- yeah, you answered stupidly, “totes.” You wanted to smack yourself. A laugh rumbled his chest and escaped from his lips as his head tilted in your direction, his eyes meeting yours. “Totes? Never heard that before-in real life that is.” Duh, because you’ve spoken like a bad stereotypical surfer dude.

You didn’t know how to respond so you simply nodded your head, very aware of his eyes trailing down your body. A tattooed hand entered your peripheral, “I’m Vinnie,” he introduced himself. It was then more sober you connected the dots, of course it’s Vinnie the Hacker. The only disguise he had was a black eye mask with black crystals in intricate designs; it looked expensive and it most definitely was, knowing who he was and all. You hadn’t bothered to wear a mask, but had regretted that decision the moment you stepped into the mansion.

You didn’t shake his hand. “Cool,” you shrugged mentally preparing yourself with whatever half assed excuse you could come up with to leave. ‘my apartment is on fire’ don’t want to jinx myself you thought afterwards. “Um, nice to meet you?” You sounded awfully unsure, and guilt brewed in your stomach when you saw Vinnie wince. “So,” he began carefully, trying to get an understanding,” what’s your name?”

But you didn’t feel like answering. “I’m hungry.” You spat out and his eyes widened. “What?”

“I’m hungry, so I’m going to leave. Bye.” You turned to leave but a careful grasp of your arm halted you, “do you want to get McDonalds with me? I’m kinda hungry too.” He sounded shy, and you couldn’t even imagine turning him down, he looked like a sad puppy for Christ sake.

“Sure.”

The drive to the fast food chain was surprisingly comfortable, even though Vinnie tried his best to get you to tell him your name; to no avail. And soon enough the two of you were seated by the window, both with big macs in hand, awkwardness thrown out the window as the alcohol induced hunger made everything taste oh so much better.

“so fucking good,” Vinnie groaned through a mouthful causing you to almost choke on your fourth bite. Your eyes didn’t leave his form, his hair in a disarray and his eyes closed as he ate the burger.

You forced a chuckle, “won’t your friends get mad or something?” You mumbled, playing with your fries. The tattooed man shook his head, “no? Why would they?” His eyes were on yours now and you couldn’t help but feel bare under his intense gaze.

“You kinda ditched them…” you trailed of as a smirk grew on his lips, his tongue quickly darting out to lick them. “Trust me they won’t notice.” He sounded sure. “Why?” You asked and this time he laughed softly, “you’re very curious, huh?” You shrugged, “I guess.”

He continued, “but no, they were pretty busy trying to get laid so I really doubt they’d notice me missing.” He stressed the word ‘really’.

“Oh.” He laughed again as he stared you down, “you’re really weird, y’know that?”

“Thanks?”

You and Vinnie had spent an hour talking nonsense, and when the two of you noticed the hard stares from the workers you both decided to leave. Vinnie had insisted on dropping you off at home but an uncomfortable feeling grew in the pit of your stomach as you politely declined, telling him a white lie to soothe his worries about leaving a girl in the streets of LA at three am.

——-

The morning after, curiosity had you in its grip as you reluctantly opened Twitter and searched for his handle.

@/vinniehacker: who is she. posted at five am. Quicker than lightning you exited the app, contemplating on deleting it completely, but you refrained from doing it.

You grew frustrated at yourself, you had an amazing night last night with an amazing attractive guy, and you full out blew everything to bits.

Your best friend tended to call you a flesh ball of anxiety, a saying that left a sour taste in your mouth and cheeks aching from faking a laugh. You were a people pleaser, but at the same time you hated everyone and preferred to be by yourself. So you did everything to stay out of the spotlight, simply rooming with your childhood best friend who went viral on TikTok months ago. And Vinnie was the opposite of staying out of the spotlight.

Before your brain had caught up to what your hands were doing, you had already entered the cursed bird app again, entering his handle, tapping on the tweet and reading through the comments. ‘she????’, ‘what?!’, all in a similar fashion. Speculations were thrown left and right and thirty minutes had passed of you endlessly scrolling, biting your lip raw until you tasted iron.

“Get up! We have an event to go to!” You wanted to cry, to come up with a lie that you were sick and didn’t want to spread it further. You lied a lot, at least tried to before your brain took you through the endless possibilities of consequences coming from said lies. So you heaved a sigh and got ready.

———-

The event was extremely overcrowded and overwhelming, the LA sun beaming down on bodies dripping in expensive perfumes, a cloud of strong smells begging for a headache to form. You were a plus one, a non famous one at that, so you stood awkwardly to the side as your friend and her famous friends took promo pictures. In your hand was a mimosa, minus the champagne, so orange juice.

You didn’t bother to keep up the happy charade, settling on frowning while sipping your expensive orange juice. You had half a mind to ask what brand of juice it was but decided that you were already looking stupid so there was no point of making it worse.

You were painfully aware of how lonely you looked so you grabbed your phone and entered the weather app, wondering how the weather in Hamburg was.

“So, uh, how’s the weather looking?” A velvety voice asked from above your right shoulder, warm air tickling your skin and you froze. Shit. “Uhm, cloudy with a chance of rain,”

You turned towards him and tried not to gape at what you saw. He was wearing a half buttoned white blouse with his hair slicked back except for a few strands in the front. He wore black and expensive looking trousers, and silver rings wrapped around almost each finger with a silver braided bracelet. His sleeves were rolled up revealing his tattoos on his sun kissed skin. And he smelled so fucking good.

He gave you a mischievous grin, “hey, you.” His eyes trailed over your form, several times with a glint in his eyes. You whispered a hey back, flustered for some reason and you were also ashamed, for what, you had no idea.

“I never got your name,” he muttered, his hands in his pocket. You could only shrug, words not agreeing with you. And there it was, that nauseating shameful feeling you got, you were ashamed of yourself for some reason, well you know why, but actually taking the bull by its horns are the hard part.

“I know,” he frowned at your answer, raising an eyebrow. “So you’re not going to give me your name, so I’ll just have to call you Cinderella then. “ he smiled smugly at the end of his sentence, as though he had conquered the world with his pinkie.

“Cinderella?” You asked confused and a smit insulted. “I didn’t drop my shoe…” you trailed off, combing through your memory, and sure enough, you had both your shoes on, or you would’ve noticed otherwise.

He laughed out loud, his teeth on full display and eyes closed. “No, you didn’t drop your shoe. But you did leave me with not being able to stop thinking of you…” he said, his eyes unrelentingly searching yours as if he could simply read your name in your irises. Your eyes widened and you felt as though your stomach was turning inside out. This has to be a cruel joke, you thought to yourself as you glared at him.

“That’s not funny,” you murmured through clenched teeth. He looked confused, brows furrowed. “It-it wasn’t a joke,” he said sheepishly. He looked genuinely hurt, and it made you doubt your insecurities.

“I genuinely had a great time with you last night, and I want to get to know you.” He kept his eyes on yours the entire time. “So please, what’s your name?” He sounded desperate, as though your name would unlock every story there was to know about you.

“Y/n,” you whispered and you watched in awe as he tested your name on his tongue, several times before settling with a “I like it, it suits you.” Vinnie telling you that your name suits you felt like a thousand suns were shining down on you. You bit your lip to repress the grin that was threatening to grow and instead you settled for a shy smile, praying that you didn’t have anything between your teeth.

“Y/nn!” A voice called, it seemed as though your friend had finished with her promo pics. “I got you a goodie bag-oh,” she paused when she saw the Vinnie Hacker standing beside you. “Hey,” she smiled and fluttered her eyelashes and a boulder dropped into your stomach. Of course, you thought. She’s so much prettier than me, and famous.

He only nodded in acknowledgement with a small ‘hey’, it didn’t deter your friend from asking a lot of questions. You took that as your queue to leave, slowly walking backwards whilst Vinnie’s eyes were on yours the entire time, looking confused as to what you were doing.

You quickly nodded towards your friend, who was still animatedly talking, whilst wiggling your eyebrows suggestively, ignoring the knot in your stomach.

Once again Vinnie looked confused before the dots in his head connected. His eyes widened before he shook his head, something your friend hadn’t noticed as she was too busy scrolling through her TikTok to show Vinnie a specific video of her. He mouthed the word ‘NO’ several times whilst staring at you with his wide eyes.

It was kind of endearing to watch him panic. A chuckle escaped you before he turned to your friend, an apologetic smile on his face. “Excuse me,” he said softly, eyes still on you before walking towards, grabbing your hand with utter care before he led you inside the building.

He stopped in an empty hallway, staring down at you with a smirk on his lips. “Trying to set me up with your friend,” he murmured lazily, eyes tracing your lips. “When you know fully well that I’m interested in you…”

It felt like a fever dream, and you had to mentally force yourself to focus on the situation at hand. Is Vinnie about to kiss me?

“You don't even know me,” you retaliated, a frown on your lips, your lips of which he still stared at. He shrugged at your answer, a serious look taking over his face. “So let me,” he began. “Let’s get out of here.”

You shook your head, “I can’t just leave my friend-“.

He interrupted you, “your friend who seemed very busy, in fact, I recall you standing by yourself.” You had nothing to say to that except for a gentle nod with a smile on your lips. Vinnie grinned in return before tugging out of the building and into his car. You had sent a simple text to your friend-‘ i’m going out, don’t wait for me <3’

————————-

Vinnie treated you to McDonalds, once again and took you to a look out, the city of angels to stare at whilst you both ate. His shoulder touched yours as you sat on the picnic blanket filled to the brim with greasy and mouth watering food.

“So tell me, how come I can’t find you anywhere?” He asked, his hand playing with yours, twisting your rings. It created a warm feeling in your stomach.

“I’m a private person,” you began, hearing Vinnie murmuring a ‘couldn’t have guessed,’ and you nudged your shoulder into his playfully, drawing a laugh from his lips. “I guess, uhm I don’t see myself in the spotlight, having people constantly judging my every move.” He nodded in agreement, looking lost in thought.

“I can understand that, it’s just unusual to see someone not famous in parties held by influencers.” You nodded, agreeing with him. “My friend is pretty famous and always makes me her plus one.”

“I like it though,” you stared at him confused whilst he stared at you with a small smile on his lips, almost looking shy. “Like what?”

“I don’t know, it’s hard to explain…” he looked lost in his thoughts.

“Try,” you pushed, his hand tightening around yours.

“I like that I can pursue this,” he gestured whilst you stared at him with wide eyes. “That you’ll be somewhat safe from the onslaught of comments you would’ve gotten if you were a public figure. This feels normal to me, y’know. Like it’s not for show, it’s just me and you.”

“Me and you?” You asked with a grin, his smile grew and he gave you a wink, “of course, this is our second date after all.”

“Is that so?” You bit your lip when he leaned towards you, his lips so close to touching yours, before he planted a small, almost phantom-like kiss on them. “It is so,” he gauged your expression before ultimately seeing the contentment in your eyes, and pressed his lips to yours firmly. You felt his hand grasp your cheek as he tilted his head to gain more access.

You were both breathing heavily before you disconnected your lips, but Vinnie took it upon himself to kiss your cheeks before traveling down your neck, leaving you even more breathless.

“I’m taking you on dates everyday this week,” he breathed into your neck and you felt your eyes roll back from the sensation and his sultry voice.

“I expect you to-“ he stopped you from talking with another kiss. “Shut up and kiss me,” he ordered and you did, for several hours, the once bright sun in the middle of sky, now dipping down on the horizon covered by the Los Angeles skyline.

[astarionapologist]

My head too is full of bg3 so I'm gonna go ahead and suggest/ request a Halsin x female Tav fic, smut is very welcome hehe :)

Also I'm of the opinion that this man definitely has a breeding kink so if that's something you would write, I'd be really happy about it ^^

Have nice day :)))

OHHH FUCK YEAH DADDY HALSIN ‼️‼️

but no seriously he’s such a big sweetie pie I love him sm

Warning 18+ minors please don't interact!

Includes breeding kink and biting and soft horny Halsin

Nature’s embrace: Halsin x reader

After you finally arrive to baulder’s Gate your next mission is the most important one yet! It’s time to go find a nice spot to set up camp. Exhausted and tired of walking Astarion begs you to take a break! Stay at a tavern for a bit! Stay under some shady buildings! Hells under some trees maybe! Point is he’s done for the day and is begging you along with the rest of the group to agree with him for break. In which you all decide to rent out a room for a couple nights in the Elfsong tavern.

After unpacking and changing out of your armor into more casual clothes your realized how starved you were after such a long journey here. Little did you sense the tall rugged elf was beside you.

“Hungry aren’t you?” He says grabbing both your shoulders in an attempt to scare you.

You let out a shriek and push him away from you unaware of who it truly was.

“GAH HALSIN- you can’t do that to people!” You huffed

“I’m sorry little dove, I couldn't resist, and I overheard the growl of your stomach. It seems you're in need of your next meal. Would you care to join me downstairs? I wouldn't mind covering the expenses, of course."

“Oh? Sure that sounds great thank you! I’m starving! I need to get my hands on something to eat soon or I’ll go crazy” You said slightly daydreaming of all the tasty food you smelled walking past the kitchen to the rooms upstair.

“Me too” Halsin whispered under his breath as his eyes traced the outline of your body.

Your cheeks blushed as you overheard this but since he wanted to be quite the jokester earlier you decided to pay him back~

“What was that? You said as you looked up at him purposely with big doe eyes

“"Oh, uh, me too. I find myself quite starved. To uphold our strengths, we should venture forth and procure something to eat, don't you think?” He said with a hint of panic in his voice

He lets out a small sigh “Let us be on our way”

The two of you head down stairs and sit down at the bar table. You order a bowl of mushroom stew with a wine to complement the mushrooms undertones. Halsin unsurprisingly orders a large juicy steak with a heaping pile of steamed vegetables on the side. Along with you he decides to order a glass of wine. Enjoying each others company you finish your dinner together and decide to head back upstairs. However almost everyone was already asleep in their sections of the floor.

“Ahhh it is getting late little dove, you should go and get some rest. We can always chat more some other time.”

You would be foolish to deny the small trace of sadness that lurched in your heart as he spoke. Unfortunately, your eyes held a bit of sadness that the old Druid could easily detect.

“Oh dove but please don’t worry, I promise we can spend more time together just the two of us eventually if that’s something you’d enjoy?”

You look up at him and give him a small smile and nod.

“Yes I would love that, your company is more than wanted.”

He smirks a little and smiles back. The two of you walk back upstairs to call it a night after enjoying your evening together. Finally, in the comfort of your bed, you slowly drift off to sleep... That is until the middle of the night when you wake up, startled by the sound of commotion near one of the beds beside you. You open you eyes to see Halsin getting ready to leave to who knows where.

“Halsin?….” You whisper at him

“Oh no.” He clears his throat

“My sincerest apologies, I did not mean to wake you from your slumber.”

You get up and sit towards the edge of the bed, you’re a bit groggy still but you decide to ignore it worried your companion is in trouble.

“What is it? Is something wrong? Why are you up so late? You asked in a hushed whisper as you turn on a dim light next to you.

As you look at him, the tall elf blushes, realizing his problem is now more obvious to you. You slowly looked down to see a large tent in his pants. How his crotch looked painfully erect it was almost begging to be attended to.

“Ah… I see…”

“I’m so sorry- it’s just the city is so stressful and I’m having trouble adjusting… not to mention how you-..” He stops talking and swallows a bit of fear as he realizes he just mentioned you.

“How I?” you blush a bit already knowing what he means. Unsurprising enough, Halsin and you have always had a habbit of giving each other bedroom eyes from time to time. You've always noticed how often he’d look at you, especially how his eyes would stare at your ass and thighs. However you both never really acted on anything, you were always too busy on the mission at hand….that is until now.

He sighs “Please you tease me enough as is…. The way your hips sway as you walk… your deep and longing stares….it all drives me mad.”

He turns away from you and says, “I never wanted to do or say something because I thought the timing was always off... And I understand if you wish to ignore me now. I am sorry for disturbing your rest.”

You get up from your bed and hug him from behind.

“Halsin… please don't leave, I would love to be able to spend the night with you… if you’d allow me?”

He chuckles “If i’d allow you?”

He grabs you by the wrist and twirls you to face him. Then he quickly picks you up carries you on one of his shoulders.

“I hope this will suffice as an answer.” He says with a light growl

He takes you to more secluded part of the floor away from any of your companions. He carefully plops you onto a large bed and begins undressing himself. When he’s finished he carefully picks you up yet again and plops you down on his lap.

He looks deeply into your eyes as his hands graze the first button on your shirt. You carefully nod and take a deep breath as he takes no time to undo all the buttons of your shirt. Luckily for Halsin you typically always sleep in your dress shirt and nothing else.

His eyes lit up as he saw the perkiness of your breast appear from underneath your shirt. Without wasting time he takes one into his hand and plays with it while taking the other one into his mouth. He swirls his tongue over your sensitive nibble slightly grazing it with his teeth. This earns a slight low moan from you as you wrap your arms around his shoulder.

He releases your breast from his mouth and kisses you deeply and hungrily. He grabs you by the hips and ass and slowly begins to move you across his large muscular thigh.

“Ha-… halsin.. please I need more,” you say as you grind needily on his thigh.

“You’re not ready, I don’t want to hurt you little dove” he says while kissing your cheek

He then slowly moves you off his thigh just enough for him to stick two fingers inside you. You gasp and hold onto him tighter as he slowly pumps his fingers into your soaking wet cunt.

He uses his other hands to spin small light circles around your clit and begins to speed up his fingers as he continues to pump them inside of you. By now yours seeing stars as you tilt your head back breathing deeply as you feel the druids fingers deep inside you. He can tell you’re close by the way you begin to tense up around him. He curls his fingers making sure to rub you sweet spot of yours to allow him to hear the wonder sounds you make as you come undone around his fingers.

You take a deep shaky breath and looked back into his eyes.

Gods. He thinks to himself, he could have easily finished just watching you come undone by just his fingers alone.

He flips the two of you over so that you’re now underneath him. You moan as you feel his tip rub against your hole.

“Are you ready? I don’t want to hurt you.” He says attempting to suppress how needy he truly is.

“Oh god yes, please hurry! We’ve both waited long enough.” You begged

He carefully slides in slowly so you can take your time adjusting around him. With a small hiss, he bottoms out and is completely inside you. He pauses for a moment kissing your forehead before he slowly begins to move. A slow yet deep pace was set as the druid gripped your hips hard as to not lose control.

You bite his neck in order to keep quiet, yes your other companions are sound asleep and unable to see the sinful acts that are taking place however you still attempt to keep quiet. The sound of skin slapping slowly starts to get louder as Halsin begins to speed up. You look up and make eye contact with him, his eyes are glowing a beautiful shade of gold.

“You drive me wild little dove…. I want to fill you up so badly.” Halsin grunts as he continues to pound deep into you.

“I want to see you squirm underneath me full of my cum…. I want…. Nothing more than to see that.” He huffs and growls out the last part.

“Fuck Halsin… I need you, I need to feel all of you, I need to be filled with you.” You say in between gasps

You’re both extremely close, he grunts as he feels how you quiver and shake around his angry and sensitive cock. He grips your hips tighter and begins to pick up the pace, lifting one of you legs up in the process. You let out a whine as you feel yourself getting closer and closer. Then suddenly a heavy feeling of pleasure consumes your body. You shake and grip his body as he continues to pound his way through your orgasm. When a deep and heavy grunt he finished deep within your cunt, making sure to get every drop deep within you. He pulls out and collapses next to your exhausted figure.

He pulls you in tightly to his chest and kisses your forehead before gently rubbing circles on your back. You slowly drift off to sleep as you hear him quietly say

“Goodnight my little dove”

HOLY FUCK I ACTUALLY FINISHED THIS

like always I did not proof read 👆but I still hope you enjoy, sorry if this was a little rough it’s my first time writing smut.

[ponderingmoonlight]

Heyyy, i love ur jjk fics so when u posted abt writing for aot i SCREAMED bc ik you'll do it justice 😩❤❤

Do u reckon u could do like a levi post rumbling fic bc i need the confort rn and SO DOES HE I NEED HAPPY LEVI PLSS ❤❤❤🙏🙏🙏

When I tell you I had to write this IMMEDIATELY <3 Please let me know if you like it, this is my first AOT fic EVER

Levi finally getting his happy end with (y/n) after the rumbling

Pairing: Levi Ackerman x fem!reader

Word Count: 2k

Synopsis: When he met you after first stepping a foot at Marley, Levi didn't forget you until the very end. But while he thought you died through the rumbling, he meets you again for his happy end.

Warnings: this is the comfort I needed, I actually had to cry while writing this, not proofread because I wanted to publish this asap

Tags: @sanicsmut begging on my knees, please I hope you like this

You’ve been on his mind ever since he met you on that fateful day at Marley. So gorgeous that he couldn’t take his eyes off you, a smile so sweet it could melt even metal. Yes, you were so different from what he expected to find across that ocean, a truly pleasant surprise to say the least.

“Oh, you are quite small for a grown man!” you commented, giggling so effortlessly that Levi wasn’t able to even react to your rude comment.

“But to be honest, I’m a little small myself. Well, not all of us can be tall, right? Where are you from, stranger?”

“None of your business.”

His voice sounded harsher that anticipated, making your joyful face drop in an instant. Why…Why the hell did it even bother him to see you like that, that sad glow that formed in your eyes?

“I’m not from here”, he added.

“Oh, I see! Don’t worry about it too much, it’s like everywhere else!”

Oh, if you only knew how wrong that statement was.

His eyes landed on your right arm and the star that covered the sleeve of your blouse. Why would you wear such a badge? Upon closer inspection, he noticed your shattered clothing, the hem of your earth coloured dress completely torn.  

Before Levi was even able to react two men ran into you, forcefully pushing your body into the dirt of the streets.

“Get out of the way, scum”, one of them hissed towards you.

Anger rose inside his veins immediately. You were just standing there, minding your own business. Why on earth did they push you?

“Watch your step”, his voice suddenly called towards the men.

“Please, it’s alright. Don’t get into trouble because of me.”

And then your hand rested against his shoulders, making his heart beat so loud that Levi swore you could hear it. What was this? Why did your little innocent touch turn him all flustered?

Something about you just seems different. No, despite the fact that it is so wrong, despite being here only for a mission, his mind wanders to you every free second.

Even though you might be dead by now.

“I will leave after tonight”, he announced into darkness, your moonlit features making it hard for him to focus on staying serious.

Your lip began to tremble, glossy eyes darting towards him.

“What? But why do you have to leave? You just arrived…”

“I came here because I have a mission to accomplish, (y/n).”

“But you will return when you’re done, right?”

The hopeful tone in your voice killed him from the inside. Oh, how much he wished he could just take you with him, how much he’d love to have more time with you. But this is simply not possible.

His cold eyes glared at you through the darkness, desperately trying to keep his composure.

“I might never return to this place, (y/n).”

You felt like someone pulled the ground from beneath your feet. Within the last few weeks, you learned that Levi’s hard façade isn’t more than a trick. No, in fact, he carries a character made of pure gold.

You started to like him.

“Then I’ll find you wherever you’ll go.”

And you did. You never missed to write him letters. Levi can’t help but wonder how you did that, your elegant handwriting following him through the darkness of the night, lighting up his mood despite the situation he’s in. Yes, he looked forward hearing from you every single day.

Until the rumbling started.

Until he didn’t receive any letters from you anymore.

It broke his heart, waking up from his coma with all that was on his mind being your stunning smile.

“Did I receive any letters from her?”

“You mean (y/n)? No, not until it all started. She lived in the northern area of Marley so it’s very likely that…”

His heart shattered into a million pieces, dead eyes staring into the distance. Your beautiful smile, that promise you gave him the night before he left. The thought of you getting trampled to death…

“Don’t say it.”

“Hey, maybe she did it somehow. (y/n) is a smart woman. I’m sure she found a way out.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, shitty four-eyes. She’s dead.”

He has seen it all, countless people died in front of his very own eyes. Why would it be different this time? Why shouldn’t you of all people be taken away from him? A little spark of luck, a minor ray of sunshine in this sheer darkness.   

He leans back in his wheelchair, darkness consuming him all over again. You deserved so much better, your whole life was still ahead of you. In a world that never wanted you, you always kept your smile as bright as the sun. Despite the fact that they treated you like the dirt underneath their feet, despite how poorly the circumstances were, your smile beamed brighter than anything else.

“What would it give me to burry myself in sadness? I only have this one life, why not making the best of it?”

The best…

“Fuck!” he cries out, slamming a nearby book against the wall in frustration.

Why you? Why out of all the people, you are the one who had to lost her precious life? He never had the chance to tell you how he feels, how you turned his world upside down, that he survived for you.

Dear captain Levi (I love to call you that),

How are you? I hope your mission is going well and that you’ll return soon. I have some exciting news to share with you! After working so much over the last few weeks, I was finally able to buy myself a new dress! Although I wanted to get a white one because I know you love the colour, I bought a dark green one in honour of you. When you come back, we’ll be matching!

I miss you and our conversations late at night. Please tell me you and the others are okay.

In love,

(y/n)

That dark green dress he never got so see, the joy you fuelled inside of him despite being hundreds of miles away from him. God, how much he misses you. How much he fucking misses talking to you through the darkness of the night, to hear from the world through the unwavering veil of your optimism. What would he give to stretch out his hands after you for once, holding you tightly against his chest? It truly kills him from the inside, knowing he will never be able to hold your hand or kiss your lips tenderly, that you’ll never tell him old fairy tales anymore.

You were special. An angel in a world full of devils. Your word alone should have been enough to end every war in the blink of an eye. It definitely was enough to end the war inside himself.

“Captain Levi, will you assist me?”

“Stop calling me that, Onyankopon”, Levi mumbles, silently following the taller man into the heart of the city.

The war made the remaining 20% realize how precious being alive is only after their lives hanging on a thread. While the others carried on with their lives, Levi himself got stuck in this cursed city, the city he last saw you in. Returning to Paradis would mean giving up on you, giving up on the spell you put on him. And he simply can’t take it. Even though the whole town got destroyed by the merciless feet of titans, despite numerous people telling him than no one was able to escape, he always looked out for that dark green dress you described to him.

“Thank you”, a little girl giggles at him, eyes widen at the delicious sight of the lollipop in her hands.

All he can do is stare at the ground in front of her tiny feet with empty eyes. How nice it must be to have something to hold onto in times like these, after losing everything and everyone.

“Hey, can I get another one?”

“Don’t get greedy, young lady!”

That voice, that angelic voice almost reminds him of you. How long has it been since you last spoke to him? So long that the sound of your speech slowly fades in the back of his mind.

But that woman, that woman almost sounds like you. His gaze wanders up her dirty shoes, the hem of her green dress…

A green dress. Dark green, to be exact.

“Levi?”

His eyes widen, his heart stops beating.

No, this can’t be. Is it a dream?

“Levi Ackerman? Is that you?”

His gaze darts towards your face, time stands still. Your facial features, your joyful eyes. It’s you, it has to be you. Without any doubt.

“(y/n)”

He can’t catch his breath, his orbs lingering over your delicate figure, your dark green dress.

That dark green dress.

Before he can stop himself, his eyes get glossy. It is really you. You’re standing in front of him, uninjured, just like you did before.

“Levi!”, you cry out.

In the matter of seconds, you kneel in front of him, hungry arms holding onto his frame for dear life. Oh god, how much you prayed to see that man again, how much you longed to finally be able to hold him in your arms.

“I never gave up hope. I always believed in your abilities and that you’ll return to me someday”, you mutter against his chest, your salty tears soaking through the fabric of his shirt.

“I thought you were dead.”

His voice isn’t more than a fade away whisper, hand running through your soft hair. He always wondered how it would feel against his fingertips. And now you’re here. In his arms, alive.

You are alive.

“I’m fine. I did leave this town just in time because I wanted to see you again. It was a close call, I almost got crushed but…I made it. I couldn’t leave after telling you the fairy tale about the fox and the rabbit, right?”

Silent tears stream down his face like a waterfall while you cry rivers against his chest. His whole life Levi was haunted by loss and grief. As if he was cursed, everyone around him seemed to die in front of his very eyes. Just after letting himself fall, after trusting someone, after gifting them his feelings…They just lost their lives like flies.

But you’re safe and sound, you look just like you did in his memory.

“I love you, (y/n). I should have told you this way sooner and I did all of this just to return to you.”

Your heart sinks in your chest, body overflowing with feelings. Without thinking twice, you press your lips against his scarred ones, letting yourself sink into his lap while your hands hold onto his face for dear life. This man right in front of you, the man who never left your mind, the man who risked his life to save yours. He survived. He survived and came back to you just like you always dreamed of.

“I love you too”, you shriek, smiling at him so widely with tears overflowing in your eyes that you make his world whole again.

“But as you see, I’m not the man you met back then…”, he begins, looking down his disabled body.

You shake your head vehemently, gently taking his hands into yours.

“All I see is the man I love and waited for”, you reply.

You wipe away your tears and a trail of snot in the most unladylike and precious way Levi ever witnessed before standing up and straighten your skirt with trembling hands.

“So now, what do you think? How do you like my now old new dress?” you croak.

You twirl around, making his life complete. This. This is exactly what he fought for, why he never gave up even after Hange dedicated her life. You standing in front of him in that dark green dress, smiling widely after he told you that he loves you.

This is all he ever wanted.

“You look lovely. Absolutely lovely, (y/n)”, he replies.

And for the first time since forever, a genuine smile is formed on his face.  

[tortillamastersblog]

♕ No Matter What - Part 17 | Lena Luthor ♕

Pairing: Lena Luthor x reader

Warnings: mature content, cursing, and slight angst (if you squint)

Summary: Lex is gone for good and Lena returns. . .

Previous Part | Masterlist

________________________________________________

Lena looks nervous when she steps past me into the apartment, but then her eyes land on my crutch and her eyes fill with tears.

Her chin wobbles and she holds out her hands as if to touch me before lowering them again, thinking better of it when I take a step back. “Y/N. . .”

I swallow thickly and close the door, limping toward the couch. “What do you want?” I ask, my voice coming out hoarse.

She left when I needed her the most and even though her green eyes still make my stomach flip when they meet mine, I can’t prevent all the pent up hurt and anguish from clawing at my throat.

Lena doesn’t say anything, her eyes just dance between me and all the half-packed boxes around the living room.

“I’m serious, Lena,” I repeat myself, “what are you doing here?”

Her tear filled eyes meet mine and instead of answer she just whispers, “You’re leaving?”

I scoff and avert my eyes, picking at a loose thread on one of the throw pillows. “What do you care?”

“What do you mean? I care about you,” she says quietly, the hurt evident in her voice.

I swallow the growing lump in my throat and look up to stare at her incredulously. “You do? Well, I guess then you have a very unique way of showing it.”

There’s no bite behind my words, only sadness and a little frustration.

Lena bites her lower lip and looks down, ashamed. “I-I’m sorry, Y/N.”

“You’re sorry?” I ask, my voice low. “Is that all you have to say after disappearing off the face of the Earth when I needed you the most?”

“I—No, Y/N. You don’t understand,” she stutters, wringing her hands. “What Lex did— It’s my fault. You were shot because of me and I blamed myself for it, so I stayed away. But then I realized how selfish I was being, and I was only keeping my distance because I couldn’t face you and the guilt that came with seeing you hurt. That was a week after what happened and I wanted to come see you, but by then I thought I was too late. I’d stayed away too long and I was afraid that if I saw you again you’d hate me and I couldn’t bear it, so I left.”

I press the heels of my hands against my eyes and take a deep breath. “Lena. . . I don’t blame you for what happened. It’s not your fault.”

I hear her take a breath, probably ready to object, but I continue before she can say anything.

“But I needed you. . .” I whisper. “I was hurt and worried and just wanted to see you, and you weren’t there.”

I drop my hands into my lap and look at Lena who’s watching me with silent tears streaming down her rosy cheeks. She hasn’t even taken off her winter coat yet and seeing her this uncomfortable and unsure in my space tugs at my heart.

“Even my father showed up,” I add with a pained half-smile. “My father, Lena. . .”

Lena’s mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water before her entire face crumbles and she starts sobbing into her hands. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry-sorry.”

She hiccups and breaks down in front of me and it only takes a whisperd You deserve so much better than me for me to get up and take her into my arms.

She flinches at the fist touch, shaking in the embrace, but then she starts sobbing against my neck, her arms finding their way around my middle.

Her nose is cold against my skin and makes me shiver and the sound of her whimpers and sniffles makes me tear up as well.

“That’s not true,” I murmur against her temple.

Lena pushes her face further into my neck and shakes her head. “It is. I keep hurting you, and all you do is worry about me and keep me from feeling bad about myself.”

I sigh and close my eyes, feeling a sense a peace wash over me when the smell of her lavender scented shampoo clouds my senses.

It is true, she’s hurt me more than once now, but neither times it was ill intent that drove her to do what she did. It was insecurity, guilt, and fear, and I, more than anyone else, knows what that’s like.

There are some things that are unforgivable, things like what my dad did and said to me, but this? I know, deep down in my heart that I will, in time, be able to forgive Lena for this.

Maybe not right now, and maybe not for a couple days, or weeks, or months even, but eventually I will.

I card my fingers through Lena’s hair and press my cheek against her temple. “You’ve hurt me, yes, and it probably won’t be the last time, but there will come a time when I’m the one hurting you,” I whisper. “That’s how things go, just— Please believe me when I say that I don’t blame you for what Lex did.”

“Y/N. . .” she protests weakly but I shush her and press a kiss to the top of her head.

“It’s okay. We’re going to be okay, but I need some time away from everything. I have to figure out who I want to be and what I want to do,” I say, still running my fingers through her hair.

Lena nods slowly and pulls back so her bloodshot eyes can meet mine. “But you’re coming back, right?”

I smile and cup her cheeks, my stimach flipping when she leans into the touch. “Of course. No matter what.”

Lena exhales shakily. “When are you leaving?”

I look at the boxes scattered around the living room and bite the inside of my cheek before answering. “The day after tomorrow.”

“W-What?” She doesn’t pull away, but she tightens her grip around my middle. “But it’s Christmas in a week.”

I cringe, hearing her say it like that, as though she was planning on spending it with me, but I deliberately set everything up this way because my parents will most definitely try to stop by on Christmas and by then I want to be gone already.

“This is just because of your parents?” she asks after I explain my reasoning and I nod, watching as she frowns in thought.

“So if it weren’t for them you’d stay a little longer?” she probes and I nod again, not entirely sure where she’s going with this until she says, “I’m not trying to convince you to stay for good, but if this is really just because of your parents would you— I don’t know— would you maybe consider staying just a little longer? Just until Christmas is over. . .You could even stay at my place— or Sam’s if that makes you more comfortable. That way you don’t have to worry about your parents showing up. I just— I really want to start making things up to you and I kinda already got you a gift.”

Caught off guard by her rambling, I take a step back with wide eyes.

She wants to spend Christmas with me?

I watch her fidget, unable to say anything until she begins backpedaling, obviously mistaking my stunned silence for rejection.

“O-Or not, you know, it’s up to you. I’m sorry. . .God, why am I so selfish. This is not about me. You should—“

“Hey, stop,” I cut her off gently, grabbing her hands to stop her wild gesturing.

She swallows thickly, her brows pulled together in embarrassment and I smile softly to ease her mind a bit.

“I can stay a little longer. I’ll just have to contact the movers to let them know about the change of plans.” I say.

Lena’s whole face lights up and in the blink of an eye her arms are thrown around my neck and she’s pulling me into a bone crushing hug. “Thank you. You can’t imagine how much that means to me.”

I chuckle lowly and return the embrace, running my hands up and down her back. “I don’t have a present for you though, so if that’s a problem for you I might have to reconsider.”

She laughs—full on laughs at that and the sound of it makes me grin. “You don’t have to get me anything. I just want you.”

I just want you. . .

Those words make my knees weak and my heart leap in my chest, and I close my eyes, savoring the moment.

Yeah, we’re definitely going to be okay.

“Hey guys!” Lena giggles, opening the door to her apartment to greet Sam, Ruby and me.

Since I’m still not entirely over her running away yet, I decided it would be best if I stayed with Sam, which is why I’ve been living in her guest bedroom for the last week.

Lena and I have gotten coffee and had lunch almost every day since then though, working through our issues and discussing where we want our relationship to go.

We decided not to get serious just yet because I need some more time to get over what happened and also because neither of us is a huge fan of long distance. We will be keeping in touch though and I promised her we’ll go on a real date once I get back.

Tonight is Christmas eve and Lena is hosting because she has the biggest apartment and when I glance past her while she’s pulling Sam and Ruby into a hug, I make out Kara, Winn, James and Alex, mingling by the fireplace next to the Christmas tree.

Surprisingly my parents haven’t tried to contact me yet, but I’m sure it will happen sooner rather than later. Especially when they go to my apartment and find it empty.

“Hey.” Lena’s soft voice brings me back to reality and I shift my eyes from inside the apartment to her.

She’s in a gorgeous, black, off shoulder dress and her dark hair has been styled to flow down her back in soft curls.

It makes me feel a little underdressed in my simple shirt and dress pants, but it’s what Sam picked out for me, so I guess I’ll just have to go with it.

“Lena,” I say, limping toward her on my crutch. “You look beautiful.”

She blushes with a coy smile and wraps her arms around my neck in a gentle hug. “Thank you. I’m happy you’re here. “

Her body is warm against mine and I squeeze her waist with the hand that’s not still holding onto the crutch before pulling back and pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Me too.”

Her sparkling green eyes meet mine and she drops her arms from around my neck just to take my hand into hers, interlacing our fingers.

I smile at the act and nod when she eyes me questioningly, letting her lead me into the apartment. By now everyone knows that I’m not just her former bodyguard, so I don’t mind the PDA as long as it doesn’t go any further than handholding and kisses on cheeks.

The lights are dimmed and soft Christmas music is playing from a record player by the lit fireplace. The tree next to it is decorated with fairy lights and classic red ornaments, and candles are lit on the set dining table.

“It smells great, Lena,” Sam says when we join everyone in the living room.

“Thanks, but I can’t take all the credit,” Lena deflects politely as she pulls me to sit on the couch with her. “Alex and Kara helped me cook.”

I smile and put my crutch down on the floor so no one trips over it, leaning back into the cushions without letting go of Lena’s hand.

Alex raises her glass in acknowledgment and Kara waves off the compliment. “It was really nothing,” she says and everyone chuckles.

“Of course you’d say that,” Alex teases. “All you did was put on a cooking playlist and taste test the yams.”

Kara’s jaw drops and she scoffs. “That’s not true!”

Lena hums next to me and when I look over I see her smirking at the younger Danvers sister. “You’re right. You also ate most of the marshmallows and almost burned down the kitchen trying to caramelize the walnuts.”

Everyone laughs at that and Kara rolls her eyes with a huff. “Alright, alright. Go ahead and laugh, but once you’re done can we please talk about the fact that Winn’s tie doesn’t match his shirt?”

“Huh?” Winn stops sipping from his beer and frowns down at his tie. “What’s wrong with my tie?”

“Nothing.”

“Everything.”

James playfully glares at Alex who smiles smugly over the rim of her wine glass.

After a beat of silence, Winn just shrugs and mumbles a whatever before the whole group returns to playfully bantering and chatting about nothing and everything.

I just sit back and relax, enjoying the familiarity of it all while running my thumb over the back of Lena’s hand.

She’s leaning against my side, chiming in on the conversation every now and then until the oven dings, signaling that dinner is ready.

“Yay! I’m starving,” Kara chirps, moving to the kitchen to take out the turkey. Alex follows her to help and James and Winn push themselves off the wall next to the fireplace to take a seat at the table.

“Can I sit next to you, Y/N?” Ruby asks and I nod.

“Of course kiddo.” I ruffle her hair and Sam smiles at me as she pulls her daughter off the couch and toward the table.

I bend down to grab my crutch, but before I can get to my feet Lena squeezes my hand, making me look at her.

“Are you okay?” she asks quietly, watching me with concern. “You’ve barely said anything. Is it your leg?”

I chuckle softly and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “I’m okay. I promise. I’m just enjoying the moment and taking it all in. My leg is fine, I took a painkiller before we left.”

Lena’s green eyes search mine and she raises one hand to keep my own pressed against her cheek. “You sure?”

I nod with a reassuring smile. “Positive.”

“Okay then, let’s eat,” she says, kissing my palm before helping me to my feet.

I follow her to the table and take a seat next to Ruby just as Alex starts carving the turkey. James and Winn hand around the sides after serving themselves and Kara makes quick work of topping off all glasses of wine.

Lena takes a seat on my other side and pours me a glass of water before placing her hand on my thigh and squeezing gently.

It makes my skin tingle and a shiver run down my spine, but I try not to focus on it as Winn hands me the yams.

Once the turkey has been fully carved and everyone’s been served we dig in. The food is absolutely delicious, but I can’t help but glance at Lena every now and then, admiring the way the candle light flickers on her face and makes her eyes sparkle.

She notices me staring several times, but doesn’t comment on it. She just smiles shyly with a blush creeping up her neck and diverts her eyes to look her plate.

After dinner we settle on the couch on the living room and play some board games. Lena wins Monopoly twice, much to everyone’s dismay, but she loses horribly at Ludo a couple of times which results in Kara and Winn being extra smug even though they both only get second and third place every time.

Time passes in a blur and before we know it it’s already midnight.

Alex promised her girlfriend Maggie she’d spend Christmas morning with her which is why she leaves once we finish our last game of UNO. She’s followed shortly after by Winn and James who promised their families the same thing, which leaves Kara, Sam, Ruby and I to spend the night in one of Lena’s guest rooms.

“Good night, guys!” Kara waves and smiles at Lena and I, waiting for Sam and Ruby to join her since their rooms are one floor below ours.

I smile and wish Kara a good night as well and ignore the suggestive look Sam sends me when she passes Lena and me on the couch.

I’ve been chosen to take the guest room down the hall and even though it makes my heart beat faster that Lena wants me close to her, it suddenly also makes me feel kind of nervous.

Especially because Sam— with her suggestive look— obviously thinks something is going to happen between Lena and I and until now I hadn’t thought of that.

“Good night, Y/N,” Ruby whispers as she hugs me.

I squeeze her in my arms, trying to ignore the nervousness in the pit of my stomach and mumble, “Good night, Rubes. Merry Christmas.”

The girl smiles at me and joins her mom and Kara by the door. The three of them wave one last time before leaving, closing the door behind them.

I stare at the door somewhat longingly, wishing I could escape the sudden tension in the room, but then Lena’s hand is squeezing my knee, making me turn around and look at her.

“Don’t be nervous,” she says earnestly, somehow having read my mind. “Nothing is going to happen between us.”

I open my mouth, wanting to object and tell her that that’s not why I’m nervous but when she raises her eyebrow knowingly I snap my mouth shut with a sheepish grin and a timid nod.

“Look, I know it’s not the morning yet, but it technically is the 25th already, so if you don’t mind I’d like to give you your gift now rather than tomorrow morning when the others are around.” She rambles a bit and I smile at the fact that my nervousness has somehow shifted over to her.

“I’d like that, too,” I say lowly. Our eyes stay connected for a second longer, neither of us daring to move, but then Lena clears her throat and stumbles to her feet.

“Wait here,” she instructs with a gentle smile and I nod, settling back into the cushions of the couch.

It takes a couple of moments for Lena to return, but when she does the sound of something heavy being dragged over the floor is the first thing I hear before my eyes land on her rounding a corner.

“Lena, what the hell is that?” I chuckle and move to get up and help her but she just stares me down with a warning look until I settle back down onto the couch.

“It’s your present,” she pants, dragging the huge rectangular box all the way in front if me before setting it down on the ground.

She pushes the coffee table away so I have more space to unpack and returns to her spot on the couch next to me with a huff.

My eyes dart between her and the box and when I don’t make a move to unwrap it, Lena nudges me and says, “Well, what are you waiting for?”

I laugh softly and raise my hands in surrender before leaning forward and unwrapping the box.

The record player is still playing soft Christmas music and the fire crackles in the fireplace, sending a cloud sparks up the chimney every time a log shifts.

Lena watches me as I unwrap my present until the plain cardboard beneath the wrapping paper comes into view.

I chuckle at the added mystery and careful pry the box open until my eyes land on what’s inside.

“Lena. . .” I gasp and scooch forward on the couch to get a better look. “How did you. . .” I trail off and run my fingers over the keyboard inside the box.

It’s a model I’ve been eyeing for a while now since I decided I wanted to get back into playing piano, but I’ve never told Lena I used to play and I definitely didn’t tell her about this exact keyboard.

“Do you like it?” she asks quietly which makes my eyes snap to her. She’s nervously chewing on her bottom lip and has her hands buried in her lap.

“Do I like it?” I repeat incredulously. “Lena, this is. . . How did you . . . I can’t believe you got this for me. I love it. I absolutely love it. Thank you so much.”

Lena relaxes visibly and her lips twitch with amusement. “Good. I’m glad you like it.”

“Like it?!” I echo again with a laugh. “I love it! How did you know about this? I don’t think I ever told you I play, did I?”

She shakes her head and helps me open the box a little more so the keyboard is on full display. “No, but I saw the picture of you playing at your high school graduation on your nightstand. . . And I may or may not have seen you look up keyboards when I was staying at your place.”

Ah, so that explains it. Damn, she’s really observant. . .

I smile at her admission and redirect my attention toward the keyboard and run my fingers over the keys.

I’m only now noticing that it’s the most expensive model I looked at without any intention of ever buying it and suddenly the fact that I don’t really have a present in return makes me feel insanely guilty.

Noticing the shift in my mood almost instantly, Lena frowns and clasps her hands together. “What is it? Do you not like it after all? Or is it about what I said? I’m sorry if I overstepped, Y/N. I just thought—“

“No, Lena, stop.” I cut her off quickly and take one of her hands, lacing our fingers together and stroking my thumb over the back of her thumb. “It’s not about any of that. I love it and I’m extremely grateful but. . .”

“But?” she asks when I don’t continue, dipping her head to catch my eye.

I sigh and smile sadly. “But my present — if you can even call it that— is nothing compared to this. This is great a-and insanely thoughtful and mine is just—“

This time Lena’s the one to cut me off, squeezing my hand and saying, “I’m sure that’s not true and I don’t care what you got me. I didn’t buy this expecting something in return. I mean, you even warned me about not having a present.”

I huff and pout playfully which makes her laugh.

“Come on, tell me what you got me,” she says.

I chew on the inside of my cheek and look at our intertwined hands. “Well, it’s not exactly a thing. . .”

Lena raises her eyebrows and tilts her head, waiting for me to go on.

“I just. . . I postponed the move again so we could celebrate New Years together and— Ah, now that I’m saying it out loud it sounds so silly. This isn’t much of a gift, actually. It’s more like a surprise, but—“

“I love it,” Lena whispers. It’s so quiet I barely hear her.

I look up with hopeful eyes and find her watching me with adoration. It makes my skin tingle and I raise my free hand to rub the back of my neck in embarrassment.

“I told you I wasn’t expecting anything in return,” she says quietly. “But this is more than I could have ever hoped for. I can buy everything I want whenever I want, but the one thing I can’t buy is time with the people I love.”

My heart skips a beat at the mention of love, but I know that she doesn’t mean it the way I do when thinking about her, so I force myself to stay calm and not fidget in my seat.

Lena however takes me by surprise by doubling down and saying, “I love you, Y/N.”

I gape at her and absentmindedly squeeze her hand as she goes on.

“And I think I have loved you ever since we danced after that one gala. You were so gentle and thoughtful that night and then when you dropped to your knees that other time just to take off my heels I felt like I couldn’t breathe. You literally take my breath away and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel how you make me feel. . . I-If you let me, that is.”

It’s silent. Utterly silent because by now the fire has burned down almost completely and the record player has stopped playing music.

Lena swallows thickly and her face contorts with regret and embarrassment as the seconds go by and I still don’t say anything.

Meanwhile my brain is short circuiting and I’m still trying to wrap my head around what she just said. It’s all I wanted to hear for weeks now and even though I desperately want to say it back, I’m still too shocked to speak.

“O-Or not, you know. Just-Just forget I said anything,” she stammers. She goes to take her hand back, but the light tug on my fingers from the action is what finally snaps me out of my trance.

I tighten my grip on her hand and surge forward, kissing her. Lena gasps and for a moment she doesn’t kiss back, but then she melts into it and moves her lips against mine feverishly.

Our hands disconnected eventually, but only because mine move around Lena’s waist and Lena raises her hands to cup my face.

“I love you, too,” I mumble in between kisses, moving down to trail my lips over her neck.

I nip and suck on her delicate skin every now and then, making Lena moan against the shell of my ear.

“I need you to know that I- that I didn’t just tell you to keep you from leaving,” she stammers breathlessly. “I want this and I want you and- and I will wait however long it takes.”

I hum against her throat and pull her toward me until she’s straddling my lap.

“I know,” I say, my voice low when I pull back to look up at her.

Her lipstick is smudged and her pupils are blown and when I squeeze her waist, she drops her hands from my cheeks and moves them to the back of my neck.

“And I promise I will come back as soon as I figure everything out. I want you, too, and I can’t wait to start our future together,” I admit honestly which makes Lena’s gaze soften.

Her dark eyes dance between mine, obviously searching for any sign that I’m lying, and when she finds none, she leans back down to connect our lips once again.

It starts off soft and gentle, but it quickly speeds up again until we’re both panting against each other’s mouth.

It heats up to the point where we’re both clawing at each other desperately and Lena is grinding down on my lap, but before things can go any further I stop her by gripping her hips harshly, stopping her movements.

“S-sorry, I got carried away,” she whispers against my lips, touching her forehead against mine with her eyes closed.

“It’s okay,” I reply just as quietly, loosening my grip on her hips. “But maybe we should stop.”

Lena nods against my forehead with a sigh. “Maybe we should.”

“Yeah. . .” I close my eyes as well, enjoying the closeness and the feeling of her warm body against mine. “Definitely.”

The tension between us is thick as we’re both trying to catch our breath, but it doesn’t last very long because before I know it our teeth and tongues clash again and we’re kissing once again as though we can’t get enough of each other.

“What happened to nothing is going to happen between us?” I ask into the kiss, moaning softly when Lena bites down on my lower lip.

“I don’t want to wait anymore,” she admits quietly, peppering kisses all over my jaw and chin. “Is that okay for you?”

I nod adamantly, all the nerves about where this night might lead suddenly gone. “Yes. More than okay, actually, but. . .my leg. I can’t really— You know. . .” I trail off and look down, ashamed.

The painkillers started wearing off some time ago which is why my leg is sore and stiff now. I’m also not supposed to be too active yet, and according to Dr. Mike sex is one of the things I should hold off on doing for a little while longer.

“Hey, look at me.” Lena’s hands are soft on the side of my neck and she brushes her thumbs over my jaw.

I do as she says and meet her gentle eyes. She’s looking at me with so much love it makes my heart flip and when she tells me that it’s okay and that we don’t have to go any further than this I shake my head, determined to at least make her feel good.

“Are you sure?” she asks me, her eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“I am. Are you?” I ask in return and she nods, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. “Okay. . . What do you want?”

She bites her lip and the love in her eyes is once again replaced by desire. “Just you.”

I chuckle and tilt my head up to brush my lips against hers. “I can do that,” I whisper before kissing her again.

She responds immediately and kisses back insistently as one of my hands settles around her lower waist while the other slides onto her bare thigh.

Her dress has ridden up her legs since I pulled her onto my lap, which allows me easier access to her hot skin.

She shivers when I let my fingers dance over the inside of her thigh and breaks the kiss to rest her forehead against my shoulder.

“Please,” she moans when I kiss down her neck and across her collar bone. “Please. . .”

The desperation in her voice makes my lower stomach tighten and I can’t help but oblige, slipping my hand up the inside of her thigh and beneath her dress.

Lena tenses and holds her breath for a second before jerking her hips forward at the first touch of my fingers against her.

“Shit!” she curses underneath her breath and I wait a couple of seconds for her to get used to the feeling.

Then, once she’s relaxed again, I start moving my hand, watching in awe as her jaw slackens at the sensation.

“Good?” I ask quietly, guiding her body with my arm around her waist to match the movement of my hand.

“Y-Yes,” she stutters around a low moan.

I smile against the skin of her neck, and press a kiss to the freckle on her throat.

If you told me this is where I’d be now a week ago, I would have called you crazy and out of touch with reality. Now though, nothing feels more real than this and the way Lena is digging her nails into the back of my neck is grounding more than anything I’ve ever experienced.

“God, you’re beautiful,” I whisper in her ear and the whine I receive in return goes straight to my lower stomach.

I tighten my grip around her waist and add another finger, groaning when Lena bites my shoulder to silence a high pitched moan.

“Y/N. . .” She pants when I speed up my movement and I can’t help but leave a little love bite at the base of her throat.

“You close?” I ask, my own breath coming out in short bursts.

Lena nods weakly and her mouth opens in a silent scream as her whole body begins to tremble on top of me.

“Okay, darling. Whenever you’re ready. . .” I coo, curling my fingers every now and then until she squeals and writhes uncontrollably.

I slow down my movements to guide her through her high before carefully pulling my hand out from beneath her dress.

I wipe my fingers on my pants, chuckling when Lena mumbles fuck against my neck, and engulf her in a tight hug.

“You have quite a dirty mouth, Miss Luthor,” I tease, drawing shapes on her back to further calm her down.

“Yeah, well I’m half Irish and you’re just too good at that.” She laughs lightly and squeezes my shoulder playfully before moving her head off my shoulder to look at me with a more serious expression. “Uh—Listen, there’s something I haven’t been completely honest with you about.”

I raise my eyebrows in question and still my hands on her back. “Oh?”

Lena sighs deeply and places her hands on my chest, probably feeling how rapidly my heart is still beating. “I know I told you that I didn’t come visit you in the hospital because I felt guilty about what Lex did, but that’s not the only reason I stayed away.”

She watches me for my reaction and when I nod for her to continue, she clenches her jaw nervously.

“I was in Metropolis for like two weeks because I met up with lawyers and investors. You see. . . I heard what Lex said about you and how someone like me could never be interested in someone like you because I’m this Fortune 500 CEO and you’re just you.”

I frown and avert my eyes, only now remembering all the things Lex said about me.

Before my mind can spiral though Lena goes on.

“And that made me so angry, you know, because how can he say you’re just you when you’re everything to me?” She smiles sadly and brushes a strand of hair out of my face. “You’re my entire world and when he said all those things I realized just how unhappy I was until I met you. I may be the CEO of a successful company, but you showed me that life is about little joys rather than business meetings and stock deals. It’s about getting excited over Pains au Chocolats and dancing when no music is playing. It’s about falling asleep in the arms of the person you love and crying over sad movies on a random Tuesday night.”

My lips twitch into a smile at that last part, remembering the time Lena and I were a blubbering mess after Marley & Me while she was staying at my apartment.

“I love you, Y/N, and just like you I want to find out and do what I really want to do with my life. Until now, my mother or Lex always told me what to do, whether it’s playing chess rather than filed hockey in school, or forcing me to major in business and engineering rather than just the latter.”

I give her an encouraging smile and kiss the inside of her wrist when she drops her hand from my hair to rest against my cheek.

“Which is why-” she finally concludes, making me gasp at the reveal- “I sold L-Corp.”

My eyes widen and my jaw drops. “You did?! How come I haven’t heard about this yet? I mean, surely it would be all over the news if the Lena Luthor sold her family’s company.”

Lena shrugs as if it’s no big deal and fixes my collar with the hand that is not currently on my face. “I payed them to hold off on the story until I got the chance to tell you myself.”

I gasp. That must have cost a fortune and let’s not overlook the fact that she literally just sold her family’s entire heirloom.

“Lena— I don’t know— I can’t believe you— How did you—? When did you—?” I scoff in disbelief and laugh at my own stuttering before settling on asking, “Well, I guess what I’m trying to say is are you happy?”

Lena beams and her eyes sparkle. “I am. I’m happier than ever and since selling the company I’ve finally gotten back into reading and tinkering with stuff in my private lab.”

My heart aches in a good way and I tilt my head up to press a soft kiss to the underside of her jaw. “That’s amazing. I’m very proud of you.”

Suddenly shy under my adoring gaze, Lena drops her chin to her chest and looks up at me through her eyelashes. “Thank you.”

I resume tracing shapes onto her back and run my nose up the length of her neck, placing kisses to her flushed skin every now and then. “You’re welcome, my love. Now that that’s all out in the open though, I want to continue what we were doing before.”

Lena smirks mischievously and tilts her head back to give me better access, her shyness suddenly gone as though it was never there to begin with. “Oh yeah? What do you have in mind?” she whispers, already sounding breathless.

“I want to taste you,” I state without missing a beat which makes Lena blush furiously. “Would you be up for that?”

She nods eagerly and climbs off my lap before helping me to my feet although she’s not all too stable on her own feet.

We make our way to the bedroom, giggling and stealing kisses all the way there until the door slams shut behind us.

Lena pushes me up against the door and attacks my lips in a bruising kiss. She runs her fingers through my hair and down my neck and chest until I can’t take it anymore.

I spin her around and kiss down the back of her neck before whispering in her ear, asking if I can take off her dress.

Her only reply is a yes, please, and within the blink of an eye, her dress is on the floor, pooled around her feet.

I help her step out of it and as soon as she turns around and the moonlight from outside illuminates her pale skin I gasp in wonder.

My eyes rake over her, drinking her in as she slowly steps up to me again with darkened eyes. “Are you just going to stand there and stare, or are you going to do what you said you would?”

I exhale shakily, her teasing being the only thing I need to spring into action, and hoist her up my body by the back of her legs.

She yelps in surprise and wraps her arms around my neck before giggling and kissing the shell of my ear.

I have no idea where all that strength came from and how I managed to lift her without my leg giving out, but here we are and I sure as hell am not going to drop her, so I quickly move toward the bed and place her down on it.

She shuffles up the mattress until her head is on one of the pillows before grabbing the front of my shirt and pulling me down on top of her.

“Someone’s eager,” I say committing every detail of her face to memory but it seems as though her patience is wearing thin because she swiftly leans up to reconnect our lips.

“Just shut up and kiss me,” she mumbles into the kiss and, honestly, who would I be to deny such a request.

________________________________________________

Phew that was a long one, but it’s also been a long time coming and it’s the last part, so I guess it’s only fair that it’s on the longer side.

Anyway, I wanted to thank each and every one of you for all the love and support you’ve shown for this story and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.

As I mentioned before, this is the last part, but I will probably write an epilogue for it in the future.

For now, my focus is on other stories though and I hope that if you enjoyed this you’ll also check out my other fics.

Again, thanks for all the love and support!

Hugs and kisses!

— Soph :)

Tag list: @nerethos @orange15quote @nuianced-tck-enby @autorasexy @unexpected-character @nothisismax @wandatasha @likeornella @rosea-reginae @aca-biitch @jujuu23 @likeornella

* not proofread yet bc I’m a lazy shit and I just want to get this out there <3

[nickfowlerrr]

know my name - 3

GIF by buckybarnesj

series masterlist

pairing: soft!dark bucky barnes x single mom!reader

warnings: angst city!! actually made myself so sad with this part lol. sorry 🥲

words: 1.3k

notes: another short little chapter. i’m glad everyone is enjoying this so far! can’t wait to get more into her and bucky soon. thank you for reading and as always, feedback and comments are welcome and appreciated! 🩵

Your eyelids are heavy as you sit in the rocking chair that Steve had made for you, rocking James as his own finally begin to flutter shut. You don’t stop your slow, gentle motion as you let yourself relax even further into the chair.

It’s been a long day. From work to the bank to the store to the phone call with your mom on your way home. You’re exhausted.

And as you sit here, guilt starts to nip at you for how short you were with her. It’s not her fault, she’s just trying to help and make sure you and James are okay, you know that, but still the constant questioning is just too much.

It can get annoying and you’ve been growing more and more frustrated lately. Not just with her, but all of it.

It isn’t fair.

You never wanted to do this alone.

You slowly rise from your seat and walk over to lay a now fully sleeping James down for the night. You turn on the baby camera and move to get the light, but pause first, instead moving back closer to admire his little face once more as a sad smile creeps on yours.

God, he looks so much like him. You just wish he was here to see that.

Tears well in your eyes at the thought.

It isn’t fair.

You’ve been missing him for longer than you’d even known him.

You can’t help it as the anger starts to swell within you. You slip away with one last look to the baby before you head to your own room to finally get ready for bed.

It’s not fair.

You met Steve very randomly. And you weren’t someone who gave their number out to strangers often - if ever, but there was something about him. A kindred kind of spirit between you, like you had something unique in common- you couldn’t pinpoint what it was, but it was there. He bumped into you and apologized by getting you a new drink and lunch. He was kind and genuine and undeniably handsome. You hadn’t even realized he was the Captain America until a few months into getting to know him. You never kept up with that kind of stuff, the heroes and all that…

You’d been friends for six months before he finally asked you on an official date, which you easily agreed to. Then came the three months of dating. He wasn’t officially your boyfriend, you weren’t his girlfriend, just dating each other.

Until one night.

The night that would change your life forever.

You were at Steve’s apartment, he had made you dinner and set up his place with candles and flowers and had soft jazz sounding from his record player.

It was sweet, and romantic, and intimate.

After dessert, he finally asked you what you had been hoping he’d ask for the last three months.

“I would be honored to ‘go steady’ with you, Steve,” you had laughed as his face lit up.

He practically shot from his seat and lifted you effortlessly from yours as he hugged you. You giggled as he kissed your cheek before you gently took his face in your hands and kissed him just as softly.

One thing slowly lead to another and before you knew it, you were undressed and under him in his bed. He was gentle with you, he saw your scars but didn’t push at your avoidance of the ‘how’s, just held you, took care of you, and made sure you came first each and every round. That man was insatiable and you were still full of him the next morning. And incredibly sore - in the best way.

It’s no surprise really, how that night was the night it happened. You were dumb and horny and caught up entirely in the pleasure Steve gave that it didn’t cross your mind for one second to worry about protection.

So, ten months after first meeting Steve that fateful day, you came face to face with a positive pregnancy test in the cramped little bathroom of your apartment. You were scared and worried. You didn’t know what to do, but you had to tell him.

The reaction you got was not one you had anticipated.

“What?” you had sputtered, “Look, Steve, it’s not the 1940’s, you don’t - you don’t have to marry me,”

“I know that,” he assured you, taking your hand in his, “but it’ll make things easier, won’t it? Insurance and all that? I’m fully covered and you would be, too. And…” he looked down at your hand in his, squeezing gently, “and honestly,” blue green eyes met yours once more, “I really do want to marry you. I love you. And I know it’s soon, but it’s true. I do.”

A week and a quick trip to the courthouse later, you were officially Mrs. Steven Grant Rogers. It wasn’t a big affair, wasn’t much of an affair at all, not for anyone but you two.

Your wedding gift from your husband wasn’t a honeymoon, but a home. One month and one week after you were married, you were moved into the house and setting up the baby’s room.

Everything was moving so fast, but you didn’t feel pressured or nervous. With Steve beside you, everything felt like it was happening just the way it was supposed to.

Until, of course, it wasn’t.

Just two weeks, he had promised. A quick mission away and then he’d be back and done with all the fighting. You didn’t want him to go, but you knew he had to.

The night before he left, you laid in bed, talking about baby names and what colors to paint the nursery.

“James,” he spoke quietly as he held you close, a big palm on your tummy as you laid your head on his shoulder.

“James?”

“Yeah,” he said, turning his gaze to meet your eye, “If it’s a boy. It’s my best friend’s name,” he smiled to himself, “it’s a good name.”

“James,” you said again, testing it on your tongue, “I think I like it,” you mused. “…So, will I ever meet this James?”

He paused, tensed up ever so slightly before he sighed heavily, “I hope so. He’s…he’s away right now. Medical stuff,” he tried to brush off, “but he’ll be himself again soon. You’ll meet him,” he nodded with a soft smile.

You returned it, until you felt his gaze fall to your exposed torso. More specifically, to the scar that blemished the area. “Are you ever gonna tell me about that?”

You put your hand on his and avoided his eye for a long moment before finally biting the bullet to meet his gaze. “One day,” you whispered. “I will,” you promised, “but just…not tonight,” you told him.

“Okay,” he agreed, placing a kiss to your cheek and pulling you closer to him in the dimly lit room. You snuggled into him and he leaned over to get the light. “I gotta leave early tomorrow, ya know.”

“Yeah,” you murmured sleepily. “I’ll make you breakfast.” He chuckled as he rubbed your side.

“Goodnight, sweetheart.”

“Night, love.”

You both woke up early the next morning, you made him breakfast and saw him off with your “Be safe, I love you”s. It was sweet and quick as ever. You started missing him the moment he was gone. And you’ve been missing him ever since.

That was the last time you saw him.

It wasn’t fair.

It’s not fair.

You look at yourself in the mirror of your bathroom, your body damp from the shower you just got out of. You can’t help but stare at the scars. You gingerly trace the most prominent one on your torso.

The one with the story Steve will never know about.

But maybe that’s a good thing.

It’s not a story you tell anyone, and it’s still hard to this day to even think about.

The blood.

The pain.

The fear.

The confusion.

You can still hear his voice some nights in your dreams.

“You’ll be okay,” he had said, his voice thick with a Russian accent that sounded misplaced somehow, “I’ll make sure you’re okay.”

A chill shoots through you. Your gaze darts back up your body as you meet your eye in the mirror.

You can still see him some nights, a figment of your imagination, you’re sure. But still all too real.

The all black military like uniform, the dark heavy boots, the red star, the metal arm.

The man in the mask.

[bruisedboys]

Cutting/doing Eddie's hair and he keeps trying to distract you but it's the first time anyone's really done it and just being overwhelmed but love and 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

such a cute request!! hope this is okay my love 🤍

0.6k words

“Are you sure about this?”

You’re tentative and nervous where you stand over Eddie, scissors in hand. Your boyfriend twists in his chair, meeting you with a look on his face not far from what a fed-up mother would give her toddler.

“Y/N,” he says deadpan. “I’m sure. Would you just do it already?”

“But …” You trail off mid-protest. You’ve had this argument many times. Eddie really wants you to cut his hair, you think you won’t do a good job, Eddie doesn’t care because he thinks his hair is already totally fucked, you disagree because you think his hair is perfect.

He’s got lovely hair. Gorgeous dark curls that you love pulling on and running your fingers through. You just don’t want to ruin it.

“Love,” Eddie says gently, more gentle than he’s been previously about this whole kerfuffle. “It’s only a trim. I only need like, this much off.” He holds up a hand, showing you his thumb and pointer finger separated by about half an inch. “You’ll do just fine.”

You sigh as Eddie turns back in his chair, facing the mirror you’ve set up. You run your hand through his locks, pushing your fingers through his gorgeous, gorgeous curls. You can’t help but think this is the last time you’ll see them like this, before you ruin them.

“I just don’t wanna ruin your hair,” you admit. “What if I accidentally cut off too much, Eds? What if it looks awful and it’s all my fault?”

Eddie catches your eyes in the mirror, a look on his face that you know all too well. “Darling. You could shave my whole head of hair off and I’d still be a fucking knockout.”

You groan loudly. He’s awful. And maybe what he said is a tiny bit true but there’s no way you’re going to give him the satisfaction.

“You’re full of shit,” you tell him, grimacing.

Eddie gives you a lopsided, too cheerful grin in the mirror. “Thanks sweetheart. Now get choppin’.”

You sigh and do as he says. He’s got a face that’s hard to say no to. It really doesn’t go half as bad as you thought it would. It’s actually quite easy. You chop off about half an inch with ease and you’re making a few clean-up cuts when you feel Eddie staring at you in the mirror. You look up, scissors in midair.

Sure enough, he’s gazing at you like you invented the sun. You meet his eyes in your reflection and wrinkle your nose.

“What?”

“What d’you mean what?”

“Why are you staring at me like that?”

Eddie twists in his chair very abruptly, startling you so much you almost make a lethal chop.

“Eddie!” You scold. “I could’ve chopped half your hair off!”

He ignores you. He‘s got this look on his face, something close the lovesickness written across his features. Suddenly you’re feeling very dizzy.

“No one’s ever cut my hair before,” he says. “Not that I can remember, anyway. I’ve always done it myself.”

He’s talking so earnestly, with so much love, that you flush from head to foot.

“Well, no wonder it’s so bad,” you joke weakly, a sad attempt at hiding your fondness for him.

Neither of you laugh. Eddie rolls his eyes, a grin on his pretty features that makes you want to kiss him silly. His gaze falls back on you.

“Thank you,” he says, dripping in fondness, so sweet you’re sure you’re tummy aches with it.

You drop the act, allow yourself to smile, to touch his face, to look at him with the huge amount of fondness you’re feeling for him in your chest. It seeps from your heart through your ribs and to the tips of your toes and fingers.

“S’okay, Eds,” you say, your hand on his jaw, fingers pushing into his hairline. “Any time, baby.”

His grin is blinding.

[mythica0]

Doctor tickle monster

🎂: Fop: A new wish (cause I’m hyperfixating WOO)

🧁: Dev

🍫: Peri

Summary: Dev is being sad. Sadder than usual. Peri helps.

A/N: my hyperfixations changing faster than life’s trajectory (I haven’t even finished the loud house yet here we are🫡) I needed some Lee Dev in my life so *yeets this fic in your general direction* (P.S we’ll say this takes place after the finale in an alternate timeline but I don’t think there’s any spoilers in here)

Doctor tickle monster

Dev was sad. That much Peri knew. I mean, not really ground-breaking; the kid was sad all the time. [even though he usually hides it behind anger, annoyance or apathy. Pushing people who try to help away because he never learned proper emotional regulation skills or how to communicate with people]

But it was a little.. more than usual. He had been pouting all day, hiding his sad eyes behind his sunglasses. When Peri Asked him what was wrong, at first the kid pushed him away- as he tends to do- but after a while he caved.

“It’s nothing, Peri- it’s stupid.”

“Your feelings aren’t stupid, kid. No matter what your dumb, pea-brained father says.”

That got a small huff of amused breath from the kid. “I know that, it’s just- there isn’t really a reason for me to be sad. Which is just making me more upset because I don’t know why I’m upset.”

The two fell into a small silence. Dev looked down at his shoes, embarrassed by the fact that his eyes were forming tears. Peri was thinking.. ‘how in the world do I cheer him up if there isn’t a problem for me to fix..?’ He thought for a moment, and then seemed to get an idea.

He made a ringing sound, and put a hand up to his ear in a phone gesture. “Brriiing, Brriing,” Dev looked up at his godfather, confused.

“Hello? Doctor? We have a level 5 situation here.”

‘What in the world is he doing?’

“What’s that? You’ll be here right away? Excellent! See you very soon.” He let his hand fall away from his ear, and then he turned around suddenly wearing a stethoscope, and spoke in a slightly different voice.

“Hello, I was called about a level 5 case of the blues?”

Dev raised his eyebrows and looked at him. “What?”

“Ah, you must be the patient! Your godfather gave me a call- said you had a case of the blues for no identifiable reason! So I’m here to help!

His curiosity officially peaked, Dev spoke, almost sarcastically. “And how are you gonna do that?”

“Simple! But first, I have to tell you something..” the ‘doctor’ gestured for Dev to come closer, and he did. Then the ‘doctor’ whispered to him,

“I’m no ordinary doctor- I’m Dr.monster-…” he paused for a moment, before scooping the kid in his arms and starting to vibrate his hand in his stomach “- Tickle monster!”

Dev burst into giggles at the touch, squirming slightly in the hold. “Peheheheheri! Whyhyhy thihihihis!!”

“I’m not Peri, I’m Doctor tickle monster- and because this is the number one treatment for cases of the blues! They do say laughter is the best medicine, after all!”

Although he wouldn’t admit it, even to himself, dev laughed slightly harder at the silly act his fairy godfather was putting on.

“Cohohohome ohohon! Quhuhit ihihit!!”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that- not until you are officially cured! And there’s still a ways to go until then!”

Dev kicked and pushed at Peri’s arms, but it was half-hearted at best. [Dev knew that he could wish for Peri to stop if he really wanted him too. Not that he would say he was enjoying himself]

“And there’s that precious smile! And you do have quite an adorable laugh if I do say so myself!”

Dev’s face went red at the comment, and he frantically tried to deny it. “I ahaham nohohohot cuhuhuhute!!

“Well, your giggles say otherwise~” Peri was having fun teasing and tickling his kid to pieces. It was nice to see him smiling and laughing and full of joy. Lord knows he needs it.

He could tell that the kid was having fun. If he wasn’t, Peri would’ve stopped. His goal was to cheer him up, not make him resentful or more upset.

Meanwhile, Dev was in such ticklish bliss agony, Giddy giggles and laughter poured out of him non-stop.

“Pehehehrihihi! Ihihihit tihihihickles!!”

“Well, duuuuhhh, that’s the point of me tickling you, kid.” At the words, Peri decided to up the ante a bit, moving his hands to his sides and squeezing gently, then moving his head to give the kid a massive raspberry right on the tummy.

Dev squealed, much louder laughter erupting from him without his permission. It tickled so BAD!

“EEEHHEEEEEE! PEHEHEHERIIHIII! THaHAT REHEALLY TIHIHICKLES EHHEHAHHAHAHA!”

“Aww really~? Good! OM NOm” Peri nibbled the kids tummy and made silly noises as he continued to tickle him silly.

Dev laughed and laughed. “Heheheheheee peheheriii StahahahaPpp!”

Peri relented for a moment, not entirely stopping, but moving to much gentler tickles, just lightly scribbling on the kids ribs.

“You cured? Are the blues allllll gone?”

“Yehehehes! Ahahall gohohone!”

“Are you suuuuureee~”

“Yehehehes! Yehehes ihihim suhuhure plehehase stohohop!” The kid giggled out, causing Peri to stop and set him back on the floor, the stethoscope gone.

Dev continued to giggle for a moment, leftover tingles still plaguing his torso.

But, he couldn’t deny the facts. He felt significantly better. He was smiling, and he found that even if he tried he couldn’t stop.

Peri flew next to him. “Feeling better?”

Dev blushed slightly, but still sighed out a “… yeah.”

“I’m glad. I’ll just have to give the good doctor a call every time you’re sad! ”

“Noooooooo” Dev whined, but he was still grinning ear to ear.

“Yes~,” Peri mocked, “new rule- no sadness allowed!! If I see a sad Dev- he gets alll the tickles until he feels better! I have a feeling we’re gonna see a lot more of that smile~~”

“Ugghhhhh” Dev whined again, clearly embarrassed.

Dev was smiling for a long time.

———THE END————————————————

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

as someone who's an azul kinnie im curious why you placed azul on the slightly dislike list considering you like scheming characters

[My TWST character tier list is here.]

I think the easiest way to explain it is that I came in with the wrong expectations of him? I thought Azul would be similar to what Jade’s character actually was, so Jade ended up upstaging him in that regard. Essentially, not all scheming characters are equivalent; Azul has other traits which weigh him down for me.

I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ll reiterate it here because I feel it is very relevant for Azul. I… tend to not like “main” guys because of of how much they appear everywhere (including merch and marketing); it makes me feel like I’m being “pushed” to like them specifically rather than being allowed to think for myself about who I like. This is the case for dorm leaders, which includes Azul. Additionally, “main” guys tend to get more of a story focus (also true of the dorm leaders), and that in of itself can be a double edged sword. It means more information + backstory about that character, and while that’s great for lore and fleshing them out, it also means potentially polarizing the fans who were content with their perception of the character prior to the reveal. Once that change happens, it completely shifts how you see the character and then you can’t go back to how you felt before. This was a painful factor in what I call the “stock market crash” of my opinion of Azul Ashengrotto.

I actually quite liked him at first. I took his hand at the start when I first started playing TWST back in 2020 ^^! I even *gasp* simped a little??? (weird AU where Azul was my oshi instead of J word…) He was every bit an intelligent and calculating deal maker as I suspected he would be—well, at least that’s what the few vignettes available at the time and book 2 implied. Back then, only books 1 and 2 were available in full and book 3 was slooowly being updated in chunks. And really, I was liking book 3 a lot (he was still being a silly little scumbag, lol) and took no issue with it… UNTIL THE LAST PART DROPPED 💀 AND WE GOT HIS BACKSTORY…

Now 💦 I’m aware that the OB boys’ backstories usually garner sympathy and enhance the preexisting love we have for those characters but… Azul’s backstory actually had a very strong opposite effect on me. It was the moment I realized, “Hey, maybe I don’t like you as much as I thought I did.” I’d describe the feeling like having a pleasant dream and then you’re suddenly violently awoken by a loud alarm clock, a screeching parrot, and Sebek shouting in your ears at once.

I want to be clear when I say I do not mean to demean or to diminish Azul’s experiences of being bullied. I also do not mean to shame Azul for being (rightfully) upset about his circumstances or for being emotional. When I say that I started disliking Azul because of this backstory, it’s for a very personal reason: I just don’t like stories where a victim of bullying becomes a bully, thus perpetuating the cycle. It’s sad to see someone go down that path, spreading more hate because of the hate they had received before… and I’ll never believe that revenge is a good response for an injustice 😔 Azul’s case is a little different, as he does eventually go on to recognize how far he has strayed from the benevolent ideals of the Sea Witch and is now actively trying to work on himself (which I appreciate and applaud him for). However, it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth that I can’t quite scrub away. I think it’s because I found myself relating to kid!Azul in some ways, so that personal connection amplified the disappointment I felt in the decisions he made. It feels like looking into an alternate reality where I, too, went down a dark path—and that thought is unpleasant, to say the very least. Now I view Azul more like a cautionary tale and keep a safe distance from him.

[incorrectmarvelquotesss]

Hi!!! I wanna start off with saying how much I love your work. I just find myself rereading ambience and your flufftober one shots. I’ve also read hallucinations a couple of times now. I’m just in love. Second thing was that I feel like you’re a nice person and you’ve probably been told that before because you are very nice.

But basically I had a request for Dad!Bucky just braiding his daughter’s hair perfectly because she didn’t like the way her mother did it. And I just would love to see you write about it.

It’s okay if you can’t by the way. I totally get it.

— braiding —

Warnings: fluff, mentions of minor injuries, hint of angst

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Summary: Bucky braids his daughter’s hair.

A/N: Thank you! Some people do say I’m nice (my sister would tell you that I’m too nice but also very much a “meanie” lol). And thank you for reading my work! I loved writing hallucinations, but, idk if you guys can tell, I suck at writing endings. They’re either very abrupt or very cheesy. Anyway, I would love to write about dad!bucky with his daughter.

Can be read with Day Sixteen

“Daddy!” Little Becca was running across the dining room just a second later, socks cladding her feet that made Bucky’s heart race. She had slipped just last week on that one corner close to the stars and bumped her nose against one of the stairs.

It had been one thing to see one of his boys get hurt, but completely another to see his baby girl—a mini you—get hurt. It sounded stupid, to be more concerned for Becca and not the boys, but it seemed to him that even the boys couldn’t help but be protective over their sister. Bucky couldn’t have been more proud of them when they went from play fighting to having tea parties with her.

Bucky’s heart only steadied when Becca came to a stop in front of him in the kitchen, one hand out for him while the other hid something behind her back.

“Daddy! Daddy!” Her curly hair—one thing she seemed to inherit from Bucky—was half done, two very messy braids sticking up in two different direction at the front. She brought out the hand behind her back and shoved a brush into his outstretched hand.

“Can you do my hair?” She asked in her little voice, playing with the front of her baby blue dress. Her words were just a hair off at four-years-old. It was the most cutest thing to Bucky.

Bucky placed his coffee mug down. “Wasn’t mommy doing your hair today?” He crouched down to get to her level, brushing a few strands of hair away from her face with gentle fingers. Her wide eyes and a quickly forming pout made Bucky’s heart clench.

“Mommy was pulling my hair,” she said timidly, eyes averting from Bucky’s face. His eyes flickered up to the movement behind her and his eyes landed on you, crossing your arms and leaning against the door frame between the dining room and kitchen. You shook your head.

That meant that Becca was lying. It wasn’t often she did, but it still didn’t sit right with you or Bucky. Lying wasn’t something you wanted your kids to do with you guys.

“Okay,” he said slowly, picking her up as he got up. You pushed off the wall and silently walked over behind where he sat her on the kitchen island. “Are you sure mommy was pulling your hair? ‘Cause then I gotta have a little chat with her. She can’t be pulling anyone else’s hair.”

You rolled your eyes when he sent you a subtle wink over an oblivious Becca.

Becca wringed her hands together and huffed out a breath, knowing she had to tell her dad exactly what had happened and why she wanted him to do her hair.

“I like your braids a little tiny bit more than mommy��s,” she admitted softly. “Don’t wanna tell mommy that ‘cause I don’t want her to be sad.” Bucky and you shared a glance and a gentle smile in which it was obvious to the both of you that you two had done a good job raising your kids.

“Okay, I won’t tell her,” Bucky promised, holding out his pinky as you walked away without getting detected. “Now, what type of braids are we doing today?”

———

Taglists:

Bucky Barnes: @kandis-mom @yeehawbrothers

Any Marvel Character: @pinkposttragedy

Everything: @gen-genevieve @pigeonmama

[mdr-writings]

Streamer!Eren x reader pt.2

A/n: I'm sorry I took so long to get this part out. I was very busy with my classes, I had relationship problems, family issues, I was a hot mess. But after rewrite after rewrite I can finally put this out. How convenient that its on Final Aot day. Honestly, I'm also glad that I am putting it out today bc I'd rather be hot and bothered rather than sad and sobbing. Btw I am gonna fix the first part because I feel like it lacks a lot of things. If you still want to read it, it’s linked below

wc:4.3k

Part One

Cw: slight teasing of weight, oral ( fem receiving), overstimulation, heavy kissing

” So does Eren behave himself when he talks to you guys,” you ask the chat as you sat down on his lap.

“What? you know I always behave myself,” he cocks his head towards you grinning. “Sure you do,” you said rolling your eyes. You know that he rarely behaves himself when it comes to you. So, you could assume he’s the same in front of an audience. You point your finger towards the camera. “Look, seems like the chat knows you better than yourself.” 

Eren’s attention shifts to the screen to see the chat flooding with comments siding with you. “It’ll be your own people huh?” you let out a quick chuckle while picking at your nails.

“Do you guys have anything you wanna ask her,” he questioned. 

You speak up, “Yeah, you guys can ask me anything “. You didn't know where this sense of comfortability came from. Maybe it was Eren's aura or the way he communicates with his audience. It’s a possible reason as to why he has such a big following.  

Eren has always been transparent about how he feels whether it’s about something or someone. The guy has a hard-on for conflict, but the way he is authentic with himself is admirable. “Anything?” Eren raises his eyebrows in amusement. The sound of a notification alert pops up on the monitor. A monotone robotic voice booms from the computer’s speaker” what is the freakiest thing you've done?” 

 “What do you mean?” you furrowed your eyebrows together. Of course, you were not going to show that side of you. Who do they think they were trying to ask a question like that? Perhaps you do tell them, then what? You become the biggest streamer’s slut? Smart remarks filled your head ready to be spat at the viewers. Though, integrity got the best of you and decided to remain quiet.

 “Aww come on, you can’t let the audience down now” he teases. Eren begins soothingly stroking your thigh. As he strokes, he draws patterns of circles, leaving you to accidentally shudder in his grasp. He then intriguingly raises his eyebrows. 

“Oh my god, I'm literally slipping off of you” you grab on both sides of his thighs to try to push yourself up. “Geez you’re like a fucking slip and slide, what did you do bath in, butter?” you mumbled. Eren looks down to your bottom half and notices your butt touching his knees. “It’s okay, I got you,” he murmured.

“Goddamn, you’re heavy as fuck.” You whipped your head to face him to strike him a glare. He then adjusts himself with you on top, making your bottom rub against his crotch. A low groan escaped his mouth. You felt heat brewing on your face. 

“Uhhh let’s see, is there any more questions?” you ask desperately looking at the screen. “Y/n you didn't even answer the first one” he raised one eyebrow and lowered the other. You stop your internal thoughts as you once again feel a hot sensation on your thigh moving. You try not to acknowledge the hand with clear intentions of riling you up. 

“You gotta toughen it out y/n.”

 “Actually,” you start. Eren eyes shot up in interest. “I can recall, the time I... you know... to a professor in a class,” you stammer over your words. Instantly, a wave of regret crashes into you. Somehow you forgot Eren attends this same college and classes you take. You silently cursed at yourself.

“Oh?” Eren’s lips curled up into a smirk. “And who might that professor be?” he questioned. Learning this fun fact about your sexual deviances aroused Eren's curiosity. In a millisecond, your ear is set ablaze as pressed his Eren's lips against it. “Would that be Professor Erwin or Miche?” His warm breath brazes your ears which ignites a fire in your stomach. “Or maybe Professor Levi?” his hand slithered its way towards your inner thigh. Your legs quickly squeeze together in hopes to stop the throbbing that started between them. Luckily, Eren was just in time to snatch his hand away from the trap. Your face was twisted up in frustration. 

This hasn’t been the first time that Eren has teased you. But this felt different, it’s almost as if you don’t want it to stop. The words he’s throwing at you don’t feel like feathers this time around. His hands on your thighs feel like it’s burning through your skin. The heartbeat in your core seems to pulsate harder and faster. You didn’t want it to stop but you were fighting to not look desperate.

Satisfied in your response, Eren clasped his hands together. “Alright I'm gonna end it right here make sure you share the stream with your friends, follow Y/n on her socials and repent, toodles” he sings. Eren leans over to hit a hotkey on his keyboard which he assumes ends his streams. He then swivels the knobs on the computer’s speaker on mute. He once again lays a hand on your thigh. You let out a short hum clearing your throat. He then leans back to take notice of your stiff position in his lap. Eren lightly squeezes your arm,” You, okay?” 

“I’m fine,” you pull away from his grip. Eren can tell when he goes overboard. He could just make it up to you by buying your favorite food like he always does. But for once in his life, he would rather be mature and talk it through.

“Hey, I know this was your first time on here and I know it was a bit overwhelming,” he breathed. “I do apologize if I made you uncomfortable.” 

“I said I’m fine Eren,” you raised your voice. Eren was taken aback by your sudden attitude towards him. His once loud and lively room was now clouded with silence. “I think we should head down now,” he placed his hands upon your plush waist. Gripping the chair handles, you turn around allowing your legs to lay against Eren’s waist. “I lost my appetite,” you whispered in monotone. 

You couldn’t understand yourself as to why you suddenly opposed his suggestion. Wasn’t your main objection being to take him downstairs? You could just walk away from him and have that same gut-wrenching feeling in your stomach. But your body wouldn’t allow you to move. Something snapped, those times of playful bickering started to build a form of lust and desire. Maybe now was the time to reveal the real reason behind the constant squabbles.

“Y/n, I said I’m s-”

“You know,” you started. “Our little fights always end up leaving me confused,” your gaze pandered between his dark forest green eyes and plump lips.

 From what you could remember, Eren constantly had some girl hooked up on him. Hell, he even got Mikasa wanting to try him out. But for some reason he could never really settle. His mind always seemed to wander to the same person, you. The squabbles could be played off as friendly but the feeling of wanting it to go further lingered. But as a result, it left you reaching for more, wanting him more. 

Eren’s heart pounds loud against his chest. He always felt as if going further wasn’t an option. He had his moments where he just wanted to hold you so close, as if he would die if he let go. Moments where he wanted to make you his. Perhaps if he did the things he thought of doing to you, how would he face the friend group, what about his fans, and Mikasa? He decided that acting upon his true feelings towards you was too risky.

“We’re friends Y/N” he confirms, his eyes soften under your gaze. Your eyes then pondered around his room. “Is that all you want to be?”

He huffs out an air of defeat. The sound of the ventilation buzzing was consuming the room.

“I-I” he stuttered as the pounding of his heart was breaking his sternum. He raises a hand to cover his rose-colored face.” Y/n what’s the point of this,” he audibly muffles. You reach up to pry his hand away from himself and hold it in your palms.

“I’m doing what I feel is right to me,” you reply with reason.

As corny as it felt, you no longer had interest in letting the feeling of desire leave you again.

“So, antagonizing me is what feels right to you? “Yup, that sounds just like you,” he speculated. Your face drops into a frown,” No dumbass.” Your fingers hook in the crevasses of his. Eren scrunches his eyebrows together in uncertainty. “Then what?” You place your intertwined hands over your heart that was protected by your flesh. “Us” you replied in a hush tone. It seems like Eren’s face couldn’t get any redder. Your hands enclosed over his, touching your chest, it felt as if he were in his recurring dream. This time, he was hoping there would be no interruptions to wake him.

“Are you fucking with me,” Eren interrogated in disbelief. Your skin began to spread warmth to your face. “Yes, I mean... no but I want to- if you know what I mean,” you ran over your words frantically. Still not connecting the dots, Eren’s head cranks his head to the side. You inhale a shaky breath” I can’t believe I’m saying this but…”

“Eren, I like you,” you sheepishly state. It was as if you could hear a needle drop on the floor. To make matters worse, the screaming vents were now hushed. “Well?” you quizzed. His eyes darkened as he stared through your soul. Your heart tanked to the lowest part of your stomach. Your confession has left you embarrassed and empty handed with no response.

That same damn feeling.

Your frustration grew as you started to pull your legs away from his waist. A hand jumped out to grasp at your thigh pulling you closer. You jump at the sudden movement. “I want you to say it again.” You could feel your blood pressure rising by the second. He got some nerve to try to humiliate you. “Hey, I finally have the courage to tell you- “

“Y/n, I want you to say it again,” he repeats while his eyes were capturing your psyche. You silence yourself as you can sense his serious demeanor. His eyes were dissecting every part of your face.

“I like you,” you whispered.

Suddenly, you felt your lower half become weightless. Your arms quickly wrapped around his neck for security. Eren’s arms gripped the back of your thighs as he moved towards his bed. It was like time was strolling through Molasses. You begin to study his face. So, tense and stern as if it was in concentration to finish a task. Just minutes ago, you were just stopping by to send a message from your friends. Now you were in his bed waiting for his next move.

Dropping you onto the bed, he stands in front of you, sighing while his eye sweeps over your face. You bite your lips anxiously not wanting to make any other part of your body move. Once again, the room continues its loud humming.  

 “I try so hard to resist, but you always seem to reel me back in.” You remain still as your thoughts race in your head. “Do you not care about what people will say,” He harshly grips his biceps.

“No”

His jaw clenches tightly. Why couldn’t you understand how risky it is for the both of you? The possible backlash of his viewers that was also used to seeing Mikasa on the stream. Mikasa possibly being jealous that the two of best friends are entangled in each other’s arms. He thought of the many outcomes of the situation which were all negative.

“Why can’t we keep it a secret, nobody has to know,” you crossed your arms against your chest. Eren walks towards you, stopping close as your legs almost touched. He leans over, his face nearing to yours. His minted breath tickles your nose.

 “Because Y/n, being around you, I can’t be secretive.” His closeness has you yearning, you crave him. Your eyes frantically search his, you could almost feel your heart jumping out your chest. Not waiting a second more, you crash your lips into his. Releasing years of tension and desire, you melt as your lips mesh together.

 He loses balance as you pull him on top of you. Regaining his composure, he leans in closer to your face. You hastily reach up to grab a hand full of his locks, enclosing his hair in your fingers. Eren groans as your grip tightens. His groan sends millions of nerve shocks to your core. You let out a soft moan into his mouth. A sudden wave of clarity hits you as it feels like you haven’t gotten his full approval. A quick smack could be heard as you pulled away from his lips.

“Are you okay with this, we can stop,” you inquire trying to steady your breathing. Eren chuckles as if your question were nothing but a joke. “I don’t think now is the right time to start asking questions.” You smile brightly leading him back to your lips. He then pushes harder into the kiss making you needlingly whine.

 He begins tugging at your bottom lip with his teeth. He sweeps his tongue in between your lips, exploring your warm mouth.  You lower your hands towards his pants, rubbing his hard print. Eren quickly pulls away from your mouth while pushing you back flat against his bed.

He now feels the temperature of the room increasing by the minute. He pulls the hem of his shirt over his head. Your eyes scan his toned body as he studies yours. He decides he wasn’t going to be the only one shirtless. “Arms up,” he commands you. You lift your arms over your head as he pulls your shift off. Now bare breasted you cover yourself up. “Don’t be shy now, should I cover mine too,” he joked covering his tanned nipples. You let out a short giggle, rolling your eyes revealing your chest. Eren smiles as he trails his lips down towards your breast.

You shiver as you feel his tongue leave hot kisses on its journey down south. He latches on to your hardened nipple, sucking and licking as he flicks the other in his hand. You jolt up panting from his touch. The sounds of you moaning tighten the grip of print in his pants. “Eren” you whimpered; your core was leaking more of your slick.

“Feels good?” he asked with a labored breath. “Mmhm,” you moaned. His fingers began to run up and down the sides of your legs. Your head grew hot and dazed, the warmth of his touch scorched your skin. He then lowers his head to peck your thighs leading down to your heated core. Your heart rate spiked as you knew these course of events officially change everything about your relationship with him. Eren’s eyes reach yours to ask to continue. You harshly swallow the hard ball of saliva stuck in your throat.

You then nod your head while swiping your tongue on your lips as the heat made them chapped. Your legs felt a strong pull as thighs were raised to the sides of your stomach. Swiftly, your panties were snatched away from your body. Then you look down to see his head ducked below your thighs. A wet long stripe swiped across your lower lips. Your legs quickly try to shut but eren’s reaction time was faster, catching them in his hands.

“You want me to stop?” He asks. You shook your head side to side in desperation for him to continue. “Then keep still, ‘kay?”

“Okay,” you responded.

Settling back in between your thighs, you felt another long stripe now on your folds. “Oh fuck,” you cried. Your breath was hitching, you felt air being sucked out of your lungs. Eren could felt his cock get more sensitive as he rubs it against his pants. He towards the top of your pussy and puckered his lips around your needy bud, giving it several pecks.

“Oh my god, “ you moaned loudly. Your hands were clawing at your chest not having another place to settle. The sensation was overwhelming your body, the heat from the room and his mouth set you aflame. You felt a long intrusion prodded at your sopping hole, entering you slowly. You let a high-pitched squeal as you squeeze your eyes shut. Eren gazed up at your face turning in satisfaction. He lets out groan around your hard bud buzzing it into more pleasure.

“Yes, right there,” you screamed out. Eren works his fingers harder and deeper into your hole. Stretching and curling his long digits. The squelching of your dripping core and screams echoed around the room. Eren began to feel the grip of your walls tighten and loosening, letting him know you were close to your speedy climax.

“Eren, more please,” you needily whined pushing yourself closer to his face. He then removed his fingers and plunged his tongue into your hot core, swirling it around. Once again glancing up, he peeks at your pleasured face, lips falling into a perfect “o”. His fingers start to circle around your clit. Your feet curl up and down over his broad shoulders. While soaking and scavenging your hole, he brushed over a small plush button. Your thick arousal dripped on to his black satin sheets leaving a damp puddle underneath you.

You gasp hard as you arched your back off the bed. He smirks as he hits the sensitive spot over and over. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head as your stomach clenched.  “I’m gonna cum,” you panted wearily. You felt his pace on your bud and hole quicken faster than before. He presses deep into you, numbing the spot that weakened your senses.

“Ahhh, yess” you hiss in despair. The band in your stomach begins to ripple harshly. He pinches your clit tightly in between his fingers, yanking the nerves upwards. In an instant, your walls clench and stutter profusely.  Panting and crying out, as Eren decides to rub you through your orgasm making you whine in pain.

“Eren, no more, please!”

He shushes you while enthusiastically applying more pressure on your bud. The sensation of you needing to release again ached you. Fluids suddenly began spurting from your overstimulated cunt. You cry out as drool seeping out your gaping mouth.

“goooood girl,” he praises you, slowly drawing circles on your clit. As your breath settles, he slowly removes his fingers from you. Looking over, he presents his dampen fingers to you. “You might wanna get a- “

Eren slipped the wet digits into his mouth, licking and slurping your juices from his hand. Blood drained from your face as you watched him pop his fingers out of his mouth. He smiles at your astonished reaction.

“You taste good,” he smirked. “Shut up!” you angrily yelled. He then began moving closer towards you. 

“Wanna try?”

“Eren, I swear to god, get away from me,” you shouted grabbing the covers from underneath to protect you. “Come here~” he teases. He quickly makes his way to your side while cackling. You shriek, a gasp of wind grazes you as he rips the blankets away from your bare body.

“NO,” you scream out as his face is inches away from yours. Eren halted his body from moving further. “You actually don’t want to try it?” he questions. You slightly turn your head away from his deep green eyes. 

“Well, I- uhm”, you nervously stammer out. Eren softly smiles at your demeanor in enjoyment, “it’s embarrassing,” he finishes for you.

“It’s embarrassing,” you shyly confirm while nodding your head. His fingertips rest at the bottom of your face, tenderly pushing it back to face him. Your eyes attach to his, occasionally shifting to his plump lips. “Listen, I’m not gonna force you,” he assures.” But it was funny watching you scream,” his dimple forms on his cheeks as he breaks out in laughter. You frown in humiliation but soon, bits of giggles spill from your mouth. Your joined laughter filled your bodies with happiness, neither you nor he wanted it to fade into the abyss.

Eren laughter dies out as he focuses once again on your face. His thumb reaches your lips, gently brushing over them. Your eyes saturated with temptation, inching closer to his warm lips. He understood your command, closing the thin gap between the both of you, your mouths gracefully settled on each other. You could feel your chest twist and twirl in excitement.

 Could it be love? No, no, that’s a tad bit heavy to use the L word on the same day of your confession. It felt too light label it as a crush. Whatever it was, bonded the cracks of your heart that formed each day that came before this one.

Letting the kiss linger a second longer, you could taste a reminisce of a sweet and tangy flavor on his mouth.  You pulled back from him allowing a sigh to slip out, “I wanna try it,” you confessed. Eren’s eyebrows slanted in confusion, “You already did”.

“No, I did- OH!” You shouted covering your mouth. You jokingly smacked your lips together to taste yourself again, “you’re right I don’t taste bad”. Eren smiles at your blatant wittiness, it’s one of the things he most admires about you. The quick jabs you throw at him and the rest of the group, it seems he’s the only one who manages to keep up. 

The mention of the group assisted in his daze to drift to the main purpose of you being here. “Y/n, we should probably head down now, it’s been while since you left them”. You slid your shirt over your head as you hummed in agreement. He follows your lead and begins to put his shirt on.

Time seems to pass on fast, in a span of minutes you were introduced and teased on his stream, let out your confession and allowed the man you have been eyeing out on for years to devour you.

“Dammit,” you stoop down to look under his bed. “What are you looking for”, he inquires also tilting his head down. Your hands blindly wander under his bed frame, “I can’t find my underwear”. The constant slapping of your hand against his floor was tiring and the lack of light in his room didn’t help with your searching.

 “Oh, you mean these”, your head turns up towards the brunette boy. His hands hold the panties, balled up and enclosed under his fingers. You stride towards him quickly as he grins, eyeing your exposed lower parts.

 “Eren, give it to me,” you warned sternly. He backs up raising the panties behind his head, “it was so good you’re begging for more huh?” he taunts.

You angrily step closer to him, “Eren!” you gritted your teeth. “I don’t know I think it’ll kind of be exciting to free ball it, don’t you think”, he laughs still steps backwards. 

“Fuck you,” you angrily retort.

“Ah, we’ll get to that another time, don’t wanna be too needy”.

Finally reaching him, you stare with dagger in your pupils. Not a peep could be heard as he stares back with levity, seeing this as nothing but fun. Your eyes shift between the parallel green ones, fury congests your stomach. Eren fights the urge to grab your face and push your soft lips on his. 

“Whatever”, you huffed out in defeat, going to put your shorts back on. He smiles lightly, retreating his prize into his top dresser drawer. You make your way towards his door ready to exit but something still nagged at your thoughts.

“Eren, what is this now”, you questioned in concern. He slides the band out of his hair, making the brown locks frame his face and shoulders. “You mean, what’s going on between us,” he asks with vagueness. “Mmhm” You hummed wanting him to continue. 

“Oh yeah, your mine for sure”, he carelessly raked his fingers through his tresses. You felt heat flash across your cheeks, flustered by the fact that you were now in his possession. 

Eren then bites the band while gathering his hair into one fist in the back of his head. The back side of his biceps strained; veins flexed as his grip tightened on his hair. You stare at the voluptuous muscles that fought against his flesh. The boy finally places the band in his other hand then ties it into a somewhat presentable bun.

“Even in front of them”, you questioned referring to your joined friend group. The door was now ajar, the light of the hallway bled into his room making the luminesce shine on your body. “We’ll talk more later, let’s eat,” he mumbled nodding his head into the lit-up hall. You whispered a quick “okay” as you made your way out and soon, he follows right after.

Darkness had absorbed every spec of light in the room, except one blinking spot of red on Eren’s desktop.

   ⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢୨୧⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢ ⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢୨୧⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢ 

“And I even got the chance to hold one”, Armin boasted proudly. The other remaining friends gathered around the table excited to hear about Armin’s oceanic studies. Food was placed on the counter waiting to be consumed, mainly waiting to be consumed by Sasha as she anxiously stared at the thinning steam that rose from the pot.

“Don’t you think that’s a bit dangerous to only be for a general research assignment”, Jean asks in genuine concern for the blond. “No, not at all”, Armin answers while swiping between photos on his phone of the sea animal he held. Jean sighs in defeat, what a way to be reckless for an extracurricular class.

Mikasa sat in between the 2 blondes, patiently waiting for you and eren’s arrival. She pondered at clock resting against the wall. It’s ticking reminding her every second and minute goes by without the appearance of her 2 friends up the stairs. 

“It’s going on fifteen minutes now”, she informs the group. “I'm sure they’ll be down in a sec”, armin reassured while glancing at the time on his phone. 

“Yeah whatever, who’s idea was to wait for him anyway”, the food fiend groaned.  Armin and Mikasa accusingly pointed their fingers towards Jean. “ I thought it would be a nice way of gathering together”, his face painted in pink.” “Mama’s boy”, Sasha muttered under her breath. 

“ Hey, I heard that! ”

Connie, too consumed by his phone to engage in conversation decided to do a check up on his socials. Twitter was the first choice, he laughed obnoxiously at a couple of tweets from people he followed closely. Afterwards, he viewed the current top 10 trending topics.

 Elon Musk, a copycat.

Megan thee Stallion, she can step on me.

One Piece Live action, mid.

Jaegermeister exposed, about damn time.

 It wouldn’t be surprising if eren did a tip slip, that wouldn’t be the worst thing he could’ve done. Connie, not anticipating the unexpected, lazily pressed the bolded subhead. Automatically, the top video began to play out, his breathing came to a sudden pause; pupils dilated in shock.

  “No way”

Tagged:

@sofamochi​   @bootlegroach   @nafi-2004  

[idolomantises]

I think I’m gonna discuss this once and hopefully never have to bring it up again. Originally I wanted to talk about it on Twitter but people are very disrespectful when it comes to mental health so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Basically, I haven’t been doing so great, mentally. Nothing bad has happened to me, I’m safe and surrounded by people I care about, and it’s been like that for months. I just, I haven’t been feeling good.

For people who do follow me on accounts like Twitter and Instagram, you may have noticed I haven’t posted anything new since January. I was struggling to feel motivated to make something for my main accounts despite having countless ideas I’d love to work on. I feel better now and do plan on getting something done in March, but that sudden lack of motivation is pretty rare for me. Art is not only my job but a big hobby for me, I just love drawing. I did get some nsfw art done at least.

I don’t know what really prompted my mental health decline, I’ve been getting a few worried messages and fanart because someone insulted my art. But that didn’t hurt me at all, it actually boosted my account and patreon.

I guess I just… got sad?

I have a really bad tendency to suppress and even ignore my trauma and feelings of guilt. And I guess one day I really sat with my thoughts and I just, lost it I guess. I have so much traumatic memories and sudden and intense feelings of self loathing, something I’ve never felt in almost a decade, that it got overwhelming. I couldn’t reassure myself, I couldn’t really talk to anyone about it because how do you confront things that happened years ago? You feel almost irrational. It’s just memories that haunt you, it’s nothing physical or tangible and yet it’s a crushing feeling of anxiety, self hatred and resentment.

I was crying almost every day, and crying so much that my eyes kept hurting long after I was done, and I could barely see my own screen. I’ve had paranoid thoughts about myself and others, thoughts I can’t get into because they’re so deeply irrational. I was feeling suicidal urges and thoughts of self harm. I don’t see myself doing it, but it’s so frequent and overwhelming it’s like I’m already planning my suicide note.

I was talking to my therapist about it, that I was starting to hate being alive. That I hated living. That I could spend the next 50 years of my life with no more conflict or trauma and I’d still be in intense misery and turmoil. They’re feelings I couldn’t really bring myself to tell friends about because what could they say? How do you calm yourself down and reassure yourself. I can’t even talk about my trauma verbally without crying. And it’s funny because sometimes minor irks started to affect me negatively. I was feeling anxious about what to draw because I didn’t want to do deal with homophobic backlash.

I went to a therapist, I talked to friends, Ive been working out more and eating better, I did everything I should do to improve my mental health and all of a sudden a single night just sitting in my room destroyed everything I was slowly building up over the past 5 years.

It’s been really difficult for me. I think also, I just felt so much guilt over not being the best person I could be. I decided to lessen my online usage, not just for my mental health but because I really wanted to work on being a better person. I want to stop hating myself and letting my trauma push me down and I want to do just be better and do better as a person. A lot of people have been very forgiving and kind to me but I don’t feel like it’s enough and I want to do more and I want to feel better about myself. I want to give everything I can to people around me. I’ve been going to therapy a lot more lately and things are getting better for me, but it’s been a very slow process.

I just want to repeat that nothing serious has happened to me. Nobody attacked me in a way that negatively affected my health. A lot of people, friends and strangers have been really nice to me these past few months. I just was doing a lot of self reflecting and unintentionally forced myself to confront a lot of my trauma. I’m saying trauma a lot. I don’t want to get into depth about what I endured because it’s my business but people who do know me know how bad things were for me. I don’t want to feel like that again. I want to feel better, and I want to do better.

Sorry for the long read. That’s just how I feel.

[pagannatural]

2.04 Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things

-“Yeah right—stuck with those people making awkward small talk until you show up? No thanks”

Clingy Dean is my favorite. He’s going through a hard time and he only wants to be around his Emotional Support Sammy

-At the hotel, Sam does that thing he does where he tells Dean he can see through him and he knows that he’s feeling some type of way about their dad’s death. This is a common romance trope. He knows Dean so so well.

-Every single episode now Sam has pushed Dean to talk to him. I wonder if he suspects that there is more to it than grief for Dean.

-It’s so interesting how their different ways of caring for each other come out—in s1 Dean was always worried about Sam because he’d just lost Jessica. He was patient with Sam and didn’t push him, but it was clear he was noting how much he ate and slept, and he did things like letting Sam sleep while he researched or offering food or letting him drive or putting on music he likes to doze to. Sam needs that respectful caregiving. Sam, however, is relentless when he sees that Dean is suffering and won’t let Dean ignore it. Dean needs that so that he can’t lie or turn away.

-Dean finally looks at Sam head-on after evading him the whole conversation, and Sam kind of draws back. Not fearfully, more like when the person you’re walking with suddenly stops so you do too.

-Sam says “you wanna take another swing? Go ahead, if it’ll make you feel better.” He sounds a little bratty, almost condescending. Like, You wanna do it again since you loved it so much? Since you felt so good after? (Dean didn’t.)

Underneath that, though…there’s softness, like Sam really would let Dean hit him again. He needs Dean to give him something. That punch in the face just didn’t last and he’s desperate.

Dean leaves and I think he’s feeling pretty exposed right now. He’s a liar and his lies don’t work on Sam.

-Sam is a kicked puppy when Dean leaves him. He looks much more devastated here than he did after Dean punched him and walked away. At least when he punched him he didn’t ask to be alone after.

Sam is so worried about Dean. His expression is pleading.

-When Dean comes back, Sam is watching something called “casa erotica 4.” He’s watching it with what looks like scholarly interest, or like he’s trying to figure out the plot from the first three movies he missed. Did he think maybe erotica would make him feel less sad about Dean? Evidently it’s pay per view so Sam had to have actually sought this out. He hasn’t done more than kiss anyone since Jessica died, so maybe this is meant to remind the viewer that he’s horny. So to recount, this episode he’s horny and he’s pleading desperately with Dean for something. I’m just contextualizing.

-Sam says “where the hell were you?” which is something an angry girlfriend would say.

-Dean is very indignant that Sam thought he was wrong about the case. Dean was right, and tells Sam he does actually know how to do his job. Sam used to openly look up to him so of course this is important to him, that Sam still thinks he’s capable.

-Their fights are just SO good. Sam is yelling at Dean that he’s scary and erratic and if this hadn’t been a case “you would’ve just found something else to kill” which gets Dean’s attention. Last episode he basically told Sam that he needs him to keep him from his violent impulses, from just being a killer. Dean walks away again until Sam says “Please—Dean—it’s killing you. Please.” I wonder if Sam says “please” to Dean like this only when he really, really needs him to listen because he knows that it works. Dean finally stops and looks at him, almost reproachfully. His kryptonite.

The fact that Dean feeling unhappy is such an issue for Sam that he’s fighting and begging and asking to be punched makes me want to hurl myself into the sun. He REALLY needs Dean to be okay. If Dean ever tried to pull away from him when they were kids, or ever seemed like he was refusing to talk about something bothering him, Sam must have lost his damn mind. And that’s exactly how Dean would’ve coped with feelings for Sam.

-Sam says they’ve already lost their parents. He says “I’ve lost Jessica. And now I’m gonna lose you too?”

If someone said to you “I’ve already lost my girlfriend. And now I’m going to lose you too?” It would probably feel like you were in a similar role to their girlfriend.

It’s also wild that Sam is comparing their parents’ and his girlfriend’s horrific and violent deaths with Dean just simply not talking about his pain. Like, Jessica burned to a crisp on my ceiling and now this? Emotional distance when I’m sad?

-The way Sam nods when Dean says “I’m being an ass and I’m sorry” is very baby brother. It’s similar to the way he nods when Dean asks him if he’s hungry when he comes back from the dead, just more cross.

-Dean tells him “I hear you” but right now they have a zombie to catch, and he starts walking, leaving Sam crestfallen.

-Dean thinks that Angela’s description of Neal being a shoulder to cry on and understanding what she’s going through sounds like Neal is in “unrequited ducky love” with her and your honor that’s exactly how Sam is treating Dean in this very episode, if only Dean would accept his shoulder.

-Dean says the following while making uninterrupted eye contact with Sam:

Okay!

-Sam tells Dean his plan was “pretty sharp” so now Dean can stop worrying that Sam doesn’t think he’s good at hunting

-Episode theme is “what’s dead should stay dead.”

Dean eventually pulls over and gets out of the car to tell Sam they both know John traded his life for Dean’s. Dean thinks he should be dead and that Sam thinks so too.

This conversation is heartbreaking because Dean asks what Sam could possibly say to make it alright, and when Sam struggles with something but doesn’t speak, Dean seems to take this as him agreeing.

Sam clearly doesn’t agree that Dean should be dead or blaming himself. Sam looks frustrated and worried and upset that Dean could even think that. For one thing Sam just sees things differently and probably hasn’t bothered questioning John’s death very much, and for another Sam chose Dean over John so many times that we can safely assume he’s at peace with this exchange. But he couldn’t possibly say anything right now to make Dean understand, so he just listens.

-Dean’s guilt over John dying for him weighs heavily, and keeping things from Sam is slowly ripping him apart. It will be important in later episodes that Dean struggles so much to keep anything from Sam.

-The way Sam looks at Dean here. He loves him so much. He looks resolute, and I wonder if he’s thinking that he’s going to show Dean he wants him and doesn’t blame him.

[sadstrever]

cw: 116lbs

gw: 106lbs

hw: 150lbs

hi. so my last account got banned so i realize now i should be a little more careful of what i say cuz i guess i concerned some of you. or this will just be my last post because i need to vent.

wanna hear how i started my day? i chew and spit my food into plastic bottles(i know i’m disgusting no one should ever do this) and i was opening it and it exploded fucking everywhere and the smell was putrid and it was all over me and my bedroom. and i was hungover. and it was 7am. and i threw up immediately after. anyways, i haven’t e@ten in weeks. lol. almost a month, which isn’t the longest i’ve gone so don’t worry this is not that bad lol. ALSO NO I WILL NOT BE GIVING TIPS. ever since my brother moved away it’s been pretty easy to st@rve. the hard part now is knowing where to draw the line. my best friend has broken down a lot recently because of me. i’m an awful person lol. i let them get too close and now they know too much about the disgusting things i do. i needed space because seeing him just makes me feel guilty for putting him through this with me. i tried to end the friendship 2 nights ago over a bottle of v0dka. it did not work out very well. i said some really hurtful things to him that i didn’t mean in an effort to push him away. once the alc wore off i made him a cake to apologize which now that i say it out loud, it does not feel like much of an apology at all. he somehow easily forgave me which makes me feel even shittier. he said it was because he knows im sick. i don’t know what i’m doing. the derealization has gotten worse. i tried going half sober which didn’t help. i’ve developed a laxative problem too which also doesn’t help. it’s not as bad as others though, i was just taking 3 a day for a minute(a few months)but that’s so fucking bad for you and it really made my stomach problems worse. i took 3 today for the first time after not taking them for weeks and there was really no reason. just a desperate attempt to make myself feel better. when that didn’t help, i tried to smoke but i got too high because i only smoke every other day now which lowered my tolerance. when THAT didn’t work i went to the gym and burned 460 calories and then THAT didnt work so i walked around and burned 240 more. none of it made me feel less empty. i’m so sick of it. why is it all so fucked. nothing feels right. i want to try and recover but i don’t remember the person i was before all of this. my brain just fucking can’t figure it out. i don’t feel like a real person man. i want to recover and not because i’m giving up. starving is the easiest part of my life. it’s all that seems to make me feel a little better. eating always makes me so depressed and in a worse way. it makes me aware of reality in a way that fucking kills me. i need to do it if i want to feel human, if i want to be a good friend, daughter, sister. i’m gonna wait until i’m underweight which is once i’m 109lbs. 7lbs away lol. it’ll probably take a week or two so i guess i’ll update on how i’m trying to recover. fuck i really don’t want to man. pls give me tips because i can’t die and just be a sad fucking story to everyone i love. or just fucking report me like u guys did last time, not having any safe place with people who relate will totally help too!!!