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desperate-gay · 2 days ago

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a 'galentines' date? - ingrid engen

word count - 3.2k | summary - how harmless can a 'galentines' date between two friends be??... until they a tipsy confession gets the better of the situation

MDNI 18 + - 18+ themes & soft smut

you had settled into the barcelona life pretty well, you’d been enjoying the good coffee, the multiple different sightseeing opportunities and the new love of football you had found whilst being at your new team. finding little parts of home in every player you met definitely made the transition easier, and it helped that the majority of your teammates spoke pretty good english too.

ingrid and frido volunteered their support when you first joined, living a few streets away from you, they offered to give you a tour of your new neighbourhood, the best shopping areas and hiking routes to take up your days off. the three of you had became somewhat of a trio.

yet your bond with ingrid had seemingly grown beyond that, suddenly trio dates turned into duo dates, frido conveniently cancelled with a new excuse anytime it was somewhat acceptable. her texts would play out very similar to: ‘it’s my brothers cousins birthday, so i’ve got to facetime them, sorry guys’ which confused you more than you’d like to admit but you went along with it anyways.

naturally you and ingrid drifted closer, movie nights at her apartment ended in the two of you suspiciously close for people considered to be ‘just friends’ or late night restaurants reservations where you’d put more time into your appearance than you’d ever done before.

deep down you knew you were developing feelings for her, you couldn’t help yourself when she smiled at you and her eyes lit up or the way her body would move as you watched her effortlessly move along the pitch with such a level of grace. but you couldn’t help but question if she felt the same way towards you.

you sat on the bench at the side of the training pitch, taking a few sips from your water as you caught your breath. you watched as ingrid made her way over to you, sweat glistening off her as her arm brushed across her forehead as she let a deep breath out before joining you on the bench with a smile. the two of you sat in comfortable silence, watching your other teammates finish their training drills, yet you couldn’t help as your eyes would drift in her direction in the most subtle way.

“have you got any plans for tonight?” ingrid asked, breaking the silence between the two of you. how could you forget? it was valentines day, the one day you were constantly reminded you had a pathetic love life and silently lusted after a girl who considered you as a good friend.

“nope” you shook your head dramatically before turning to face her, “what about you? is there a secret crush you’re getting with tonight?” you asked in return, wiggling your eyebrows, hoping the answer would be no.

ingrid’s face flushed red instantly as she choked slightly on the water she had been drinking, “oh no, absolutely not” she replied, laughing it off. silence fell back between the two of you before ingrid spoke up again. “well maybe you and i should go out for dinner tonight i mean, because you know frido has plans so we should do something?”.

“like a galentines date?” you asked, glad you wouldn’t be spending the night alone, but more glad you’d be spending more time with ingrid.

“galentines? what’s that” she questioned, her face scrunching up at the word which sounded ridiculous towards her.

“it’s like valentines but with your friends so it’s called galentines!” you explained with a shrug, trying to play down the excitement that was building in your stomach. somehow this was so different to your usual last minute restaurant outings.

“you’re such an idiot sometimes, did you really just make up a word for a friend date” she laughed, shaking her head.

“shut up, it's actually a real word!” you defended, rolling your eyes at her accusation, “sometimes i forget you’re older than me”

“by 2 years!” she justified, “anyways, i’ve already got a reservation so just make sure you dress pretty” she smiled, standing up and making her way towards the changing rooms as you quickly trailed behind.

having a post-training physio assessment meant you were leaving the training ground slightly later than expected, most of your teammates filled out, as ingrid made her way towards the door she made the point of stopping in front of you “i’ll pick you up at 7:30, don’t be late” she winked with a smile before turning and heading out of the changing room.

you smiled at her comment, a slight blush creeping onto your cheeks at her wink.

“what are you guys doing tonight?” cata asked, unwrapping the tape from around her wrists.

“oh uh dinner tonight, like a friend date” you announced, looking up at cata who was now wearing a large smirk across her face, “why is your face like that?”.

“nothing nena, just a very romantic thing to do on valentines day” she shrugged, her cocky smirk still covering her face, “are you going back to hers after, for some chocolate covered strawberries or netflix and chill?” she laughed lightly.

you instantly picked up the closest thing to you, and threw it in the direction of cata, luckily it was only your partially sweaty sock, “shut up asshole, we are just friends”.

she automatically caught it, stupid goalkeeper hands, “mhmmm, but if you both magically confess your feelings tonight then you owe me”

your mind hadn’t even considered that, yes you’d been spending more and more time with ingrid, and yes some of that time had been somewhat cuddled up on a sofa together, and yes part of you was hoping some part of what cata said was true but she couldn’t be serious, ingrid didn’t see you that way.

soon enough you were running around your apartment trying to put the finishing touches to your outfit together, yet again you were putting in a lot of effort for a meal with a ‘friend’, the same kind of effort you’d usually use for a first date. opting for the outfit that was tight, yet comfortable, whilst showing off some skin but still leaving things for the imagination had you looking in the mirror at yourself with somewhat of a grin. maybe there was a reason you were going to all these lengths for a simple meal with ingrid.

there was a knock on your door as you gave yourself one last look over before walking to open the door to your guest. pulling the door open, far too eagerly, your eyes widened at the site in front of you. behind a beautiful bunch of flowers, you were greeted by a jaw dropping woman. she was dressed in a white button up shirt, a black fitted jacket and wide leg leather trousers that hung to her curves perfectly. you instinctively gulped as your eyes travelled her body like it was a map, taking in every single aspect of the norwegian goddess standing at your door.

it was like a switch had flicked inside you.

“you alright there?” she laughed slightly, tilting her head with a smile as she found herself delighted with your reaction, grateful for the outfit choice frido had helped with.

you snapped out of the deep gaze the view infront of you had you in, looking up as your cheeks had flushed a deep red from being unashamedly caught of eye-fucking the woman infront of you, “you look incredible” was all you managed to splutter out.

“du er søt” (you are cute) she stated, “can i come in?”. you quickly nodded, moving aside to let her in as you immediately shut the door before your eyes found her again, “i got you these”, she smiled, extending the flowers towards you in her arms.

“ingrid, these are beautiful, you really didn’t have to” you took the flowers into your arms as you closely inspected them, noticing they included your favourite flowers, remembering a conversation you had with ingrid only a few weeks ago where you had mentioned them. “i’m sorry i didn’t get you anything” you looked up at her guiltily, feeling slightly embarrassed at how unprepared you were.

“being able to take you out is a present enough for me, you look beautiful” she commented, copying your previous actions of letting her eyes wander your figure, you let the silence fill the room until she asked if you were ready to go.

“yes and i’m on time!” you smiled, pleased with yourself for finally being on time, “let me just put these in water” referencing the flowers.

she smiled at you softly as you were clearly happy with your attempt at time keeping, then making your way to your door to hold it open as the two of you left your apartment.

as the two of you arrived at the restaurant you quickly realized ingrid had booked one of the most exclusive restaurants in barcelona, one that you often had to pay a hefty deposit but also book months in advance.

“you have really outdone yourself” you looked around in amazement as you followed closely behind ingrid who was being walked through the restaurant by a man in an incredibly fancy suit.

arriving at the table, ingrid pulled out your seat allowing you to sit down before tucking it in slightly “you deserve it” she spoke softly, sitting down at the seat opposite you.

“huh?” you tilted your head, your face gaining a puzzled look at her answer.

“well you know because… you’re such a good friend” she said unconvincingly, pausing slightly in between her sentences.

you couldn’t quite figure out why her words stung a little. 'good friend'. over the past few months, you had grown so close with ingrid, hoping that some part of her felt the same way you did but maybe you were reading too much into things.

you shook off her words, trying to focus on the menu in front of you when you caught a glimpse of ingrid taking off her jacket, revealing the way her top few buttons were left undone. your eyes fixated on the small bit of cleavage that her shirt revealed, alongside the black lace bra you had caught a glimpse of. that was definitely going to be a distraction.

the next few hours were filled with incredible conversation, tasty wine and occasionally your eyes drifting downwards mid conversation. your food was long gone and the two of you were still sitting enjoying each other's presence.

to say the two of you were tipsy and giggly would be an understatement, you couldn’t help but smile at everything the norwegian said, or laugh at her attempts to tell you norwegian jokes that she refused to translate into a language you’d understand.

a comfortable silence fell between the two of you, something which had become a common occurrence, both of your cheeks slightly sore from the smile you’d been wearing on your face since ingrid asked you out to dinner at training.

“your lips are so pretty” you quickly said, your eyes soon widening and your cheeks turning red as you realised the tipsy side of you had grown very confident, “ignore that, i’m sorry that was stupid”.

you just watched as a smile appeared on ingrid's face in response, her hand coming up to as her chin rested on it, her eyes switching from a sweet and appearingly innocent ingrid to a more seductive version of herself. she leaned forward ever so slightly causing your breath to hitch as you were reminded of the slight show of skin that had been driving you crazy all night.

“are you flirting with me?” she questioned, her tongue flicking over her lip before she cocked her head to the side with a seductive grin.

“w-what no!” you were taken aback by the directness of her words, “it’s not like i’ve fantasized about you or anything, we are just friends”, at this point you were lying straight through your teeth. of course you had fantasized about her, you had been constantly doing it throughout the meal.

“you literally just said i had nice lips, who says that to a friend?” she disputed, her grin turning into a smirk as she reminded you of her words, she waited for your response for a few seconds but every time you opened your mouth, words failed to come out.

“don’t lie to me elskling, i see how you look at me, or how you purposefully move closer when we are sat next to eat other” as she spoke you felt your cheeks heating up further as your brain tried to think of an excuse for everything she listed, “you’ve literally been staring at my tits since i look my jacket off, you think i don’t notice?”.

“i-i uh um okay so? maybe i do have a few feelings for you and yes maybe i do all those things and maybe i have dreamt about kissing you but is that weird? probably yes but don’t all people have those thoughts about their friends? probably not but-” ingrid quickly cut off your rambling.

“if you don’t make a move, i happily will” she said abruptly.

“what? are you joking with me” you were taken aback by her statement.

“i wouldn’t joke about this, you heard what i said” her face was now fully serious, it was still soft and calm, but you could tell she wasn’t joking.

“okay, i—” you cut yourself off. there was no need to overthink this anymore, it was really happening. ingrid had given you an opening, and there was no turning back now, you gave her a small but confirming nod signalling your intention.

she leaned over the table, her hand finding your jaw as her thumb brushed across your cheek gently. your eyes closed at the touch, instantly relaxing into her as your previous dishelived state disappeared. you felt her presence get closer as her lips ghosted yours, feeling so far yet only being a whisper away. a wave of courage overtook you as you leant forward, closing what was left of the innocent space between the two of you.

it wasn’t intense, messy or rushed, it was soft, controlled and tentative. you felt yourself unravel against her lips as you further relaxed into her touch. your lips moved in sync as the kiss deepened ever so slightly, your hand reaching up to reach the back of her neck, pulling her into you ever so slightly. it felt like hours, being completely shut off to the world around you as your lips connected with the girl across from you yet it was only seconds before the both of you pulled away, fully aware of the public space that surrounded you.

when the kiss finally ended, you both pulled back, slightly breathless but eyes still locked.

ingrid let out a quiet laugh, shaking her head slightly “see? that wasn’t so hard, was it?” her thumb caressing just under your bottom lip as some of her lipstick had transferred to you, before settling back into her seat.

you couldn’t stop smiling, a mix of relief and happiness spreading through you “no, it wasn’t.”

“you could’ve just told me you have a massive crush on me” ingrid smirked.

“the same goes for you, engen” you spoke, crossing your arms with a certain ounce of attitude you were yet to show ingrid, causing her to raise her eyebrows slightly at your newfound confidence, the wine still very much in your system.

“maybe we can go back to yours?” she questioned, a smirk settling back on her face.

a grin appeared on your face, matching the energy of her seductive smirk, “i think we can make that work”.

with that she stood up and held her hand out to you, pulling you out of your chair and subsequently out of the restaurant and back to her car. the drive consisted of an ingrid touchy ingrid, her hand rested on your thigh, moving up and down as she traced patterns whilst she drove. every red light had her leaning over for her lips to meet yours, savouring every kiss until the car was required to move again.

unfortunately for the two of you, as you stepped into the elevator, so did one of your neighbors, meaning both of you had to do your best to control yourself in the public setting. ingrid’s hand rested on your back as the usually short elevator ride felt like it was taking years, your breath hitched as you felt her hand wander downwards, resting on the curve of your ass.

you said a polite goodnight to your neighbour, with an innocent smile, as the two of you rushed down the hall to your apartment. fiddling with your keys it felt near impossible to find the right key to unlock your door, especially with the added pressure of ingrid pressing up against the back of you. you whined, full of general and sexual frustration.

ingrid reached to your hands, grabbing the keys off of you and quickly unlocking the door, before grabbing your hand and pulling you into your apartment. within seconds your back was against the door as ingrid looked down towards you, her eyes hungry with pure desire.

“you don’t know how long i’ve been waiting to do this” she muttered, her lips finding their way back to yours as her hands gripped at your waist, allowing your hands to wrap around the back of her neck.

you’d be lying if you said there was a fight for dominance, because there wasn’t, ingrid immediately took control, her tongue slipping into your mouth shortly being followed by her knee finding comfort between your thighs. as if it was second nature she guided your hips, painfully slow, back and forth across her leg as you felt the throbbing between your legs only grow.

ingrid’s lips broke away from yours, one of her hands now coming up to your jaw as she tilted your head upwards allowing her more space to litter marks across your neck. you didn’t even try to hold back the sounds that were escaping your mouth, pure bliss in the form of moans, whines and asking ingrid for more.

“i’ve barely started and you’re already so needy” she whispered into your ear, only pushing you further to that point of breaking underneath her to the point where you could only reply with a simple ‘please’.

clearly happy with your please, she broke apart from your neck, taking your hand and leading you into your bedroom, an erotic grin plastered to her face as she pushed you onto the bed. you were in for a long night.

waking up to someone’s arms around you was unusual, but waking up to ingrid’s arms around you felt like home. her arm lay across your stomach as her head buried into the crook of your neck as her hair sprawled across the pillow the two of you shared. the sun creeped through the window, highlighting every perfect aspect of her face, her freckles glowed like small flecks of gold as the different shades of brown in her hair became more prominent. perfection.

you reached out, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear as she moved ever so slightly, pressing her body closer to yours.

how did it take a stupid ‘galetines’ date for you to finally get to this point.

a/n - i tried proof reading but if i missed anything please let me know, spelling and grammar isn't my strong suit xo

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desperate-gay · 4 days ago

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Remind Me That There’s A Room To Grow Part 3

Broken, rueful, and mended as it should have been.

(a/n: Part 3, here we come! Thank you to everyone who has been reading and commenting on these, I'm so grateful! Reminder for anyone who likes a musical touch that you can find the Spotify playlist here, if you would like. Please enjoy this part, and I would love to hear your feedback about the note at the end!)

Alexia sat on that damn park bench for God knows how long.

She didn’t care if she got no sleep or looked absolutely insane sitting there for hours on end. The things you had told her rattled around in her brain disconcertedly, unending every single thought that attempted to interrupt. The brunette had gone from feeling like she was the most stable and vindicated person on the planet to a feeling as though she were a shell of herself.

This whole time, there had been so much more to the story than she ever could have imagined. And though she knew it really wasn’t their fault, resentment flared within her at how quick Eli and Alba were to blame you for everything.

Everything in Alexia felt anguished. Just thinking about looking at your face made the Catalan feel nauseous, stuck on how distraught you had been. It wasn’t as though she could blame you either, not when she had been so irate.

She had allowed herself to be influenced by every single person around her instead of trusting you, as she always had. She should have trusted herself, should have trusted the fact that she knew something was wrong. The last nine years had been spent giving you the benefit of the doubt, but when it came to it, she had treated you with such animosity.

Never in a million years had she expected the reasoning behind all of this.

Cancer. It seemed impossible for someone who was only eighteen years old, but it wasn’t as though stranger things hadn’t occurred. Now all Alexia managed to think of was how scared and alone you must have felt. She had lost you, but she did so when she was chasing her dreams. You had to watch her leave you behind because of a situation entirely out of your hands.

All this time where she had felt abandoned, and in reality it was the other way around.

What an absolutely fucked up situation.

When the footballer finally stood, a chill wrapped around her and caused her to shiver violently. She didn’t remember it getting cold, but it wasn’t as though she cared about the temperature when her mind was a ruction of emotions.

She booked it back to her car, driving herself toward her Mami’s house in what would have been considered a fury. The brunette knew that her sister was there as well, so she could kill two birds with one stone.

When she arrived, the brunette barged through the door with no care at all for the hinges, her inner turmoil gathering and growing with each and every step she took. She found her family in the kitchen, enjoying some dessert with a glass of wine in each of their hands.

“You were wrong,” Alexia seethed, almost heady with the amount of wrath she felt within her. Eli and Alba both turned to her in an instant, instantly confused at the animosity in her tone. It was so rare to hear the brunette truly upset in the way she was right now, and they glanced at each other for a second before they turned to Alexia fully.

“What happened?” Alba asked, very confused as to what her sister was talking about. They had no idea that the pair of you had talked, but Alexia didn’t care to give them context.

“You both blamed her for leaving me behind, you made her out to be the villain and she never was! This was all of your fault, how could you do this to me? How could you twist my mind in such a way?” Alexia snapped, her whole body tense with rage.

“Alexia, what the hell are you talking about?” Alba demanded, understanding dawning on the subject her sister spoke about but still confused as to the circumstances.

“She was fucking sick, you two. She let me go alone because she had cancer, and she didn’t want me to have to live through it when I was moving away. She broke up with me so I could go chase my dreams and build my career without being bogged down. She gave up her own happiness so that I could have my own,” the brunette spat, her face red with exertion. Whether it was to keep her anger inwards or to stop the tears that burned in the back of her eyes, the Catalan was unsure.

“She did it to protect me, and I gave her the benefit of the doubt for her decision for a decade before you two got so defensive and twisted my mind. She was never the selfish person you made her out to be, she was always the most selfless, empathetic, compassionate of all of us!” Alexia argued, and she seemed only to be growing more and more in her anger.

“Alexia–” Eli tried to interrupt, but she was quickly cut off.

“No! I don’t even want to hear you two attempt to explain yourselves. I don’t want to hear it. I loved her, I love her now, and I’ve fucked it all up with your words in my mouth! She left the conversation in tears, she told me to leave her alone. If you two hadn’t been so horrible about the whole thing, I never would have been so skeptical in the first place!” Alexia was ready to burst at the seams, and she couldn’t handle it.

“Now Ale, we only did that because we wanted to protect y–” Alba attempted to interject, failing just as her mother had.

“I don’t even want to hear it! I am so angry at the two of you, especially considering that you hardly let me get a word in edgewise about her character. She grew up with us, she loves us, and she trusted you with her heart just as much as you trusted her with mine. So don’t sit there and say anything, but maybe think about your own actions!” Alexia finally demanded, her words fervent in manner.

When her mother and sister said nothing but looked at her in shock, the brunette shook her head and chuckled austerely, not a trace of humor in her tone.

“God, and now you don’t even have anything to say for yourselves,” she looked around at her mother’s kitchen as she bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying. The midfielder was aware she was only redirecting her anger onto two people whose blame was minimal, but the affliction in her heart needed somewhere to go.

“I have to go, I will talk to you two later,” Alexia said after a second, defeat heavy in her expression as the anger began to drain out of her. It was replaced by an excruciating misery that weighed on her shoulders exactingly, as though it knew that she was really the one to blame in all of this.

She felt as though she had lead in her shoes as she walked out to her car. The drive back to her apartment was done in complete silence, the Catalan unable to deal with anything other than the chaos in her mind.

She barely made it one step in the door before the first sob bubbled up her throat. She finally allowed herself to succumb to it, sobbing so hard that her ribs ached and her eyes swelled, and she had nobody to blame for everything except for herself.

—

Every single person on the team could immediately tell something was wrong with Alexia when she showed up at training the next day.

Alexia had always been the most dedicated of them all, relentless in her pursuit to be better. She was endlessly pushing herself and those around her to be their best selves, and it paid off. The team worked hard, and they looked better than ever. The Catalan had helped to lift them from relative obscurity into a team that people feared to play, and as much as Vicky was their fearless leader, every single player would tell you that the Catalan was their beating heart.

But today? Well, today the brunette looked about two steps away from death as she walked into the changing room.

Her eyes were swollen and bloodshot. Her hair was mildly unkempt, her skin sullen, the bags under her eyes endlessly listless. She kept her head down, and changed as though she wished she could curl up into a ball and never be seen again. The midfielder was usually a quiet person, but today she seemed…unobservant.

Somehow, that made all of it seem worse.

Jenni and Mariona were instantly alarmed because they knew what had happened, while the other girls were both confused and in a state of shock. Nobody had ever seen Alexia this clearly upset, considering the fact that she typically kept things close to her chest.

To be this outwardly downtrodden was incomprehensible, to the point where the rest of the team wasn’t sure how to act toward her. They all seemed to avoid her as though she was radioactive, and she made no attempt to engage with any of them.

Jenni, Mariona, and Vicky, however, had no problem marching over to the Catalan as they created a concerned cocoon around her.

“What happened Alexia?” Vicky questioned gently, only to receive nothing short of the death glare back from Jenni and Mariona in response.

“How did it go?” Mariona amended quietly, hopeful that they might have been able to draw out some sort of reaction from the midfielder. It was clear the conversation had not gone well, but they did not know why.

And sure enough, Alexia’s entire face flashed into something nearly venomous, and she shook her head with what looked to be a clearly concerted effort to remain in control.

“Nothing. I would appreciate it if everyone left me alone and we could conduct training as normal, like we are supposed to be doing,” she managed to grit out pointedly, her voice bolstered with hostility and malice. The three women looked around at each other, none of them in the least bit convinced, but the mutually agreed upon decision seemed to be that they clearly weren’t going to get anything out of the brunette right now.

The midfielder was a monster at training that day, and not in a good way.

Every single ball was launched with a lethal ferocity. Every single pass was too hard, every single first touch sloppy and heavy.

None of the movements were reminiscent of the Alexia that everyone had come to know. It wasn’t great football, it wasn’t even good football. The midfielder was clearly angry at something, and the longer practice went on, the worse it got. The Catalan was frustrated with herself, bitter and enraged at how she seemed unable to play with any ounce of grace.

It felt ironically similar to how she seemed unable to converse with you without accusation, a thought she was ruefully reminded of.

It was when she sent a ball flying angled toward Caro’s head that Vicky and Marta finally pulled the midfielder aside brashly. The captain of the team had taken one look at their manager, whose expression agreed with her own, to know what needed to be done.

“You’re done for the day,” Vicky stated without an ounce of discussion left in the conversation. Alexia certainly wasn’t in the mood to be ordered around as she decisively brushed them off.

“I’m fine, we still have another half hou–” The brunette was cut off without even managing to finish her sentence.

“No. You are done, you’re going to go back to the changing room and take a long shower. You’re going to get dressed and go home and process whatever you’re trying to avoid right now by almost murdering your teammates,” the Barcelona captain dictated with even greater finality, her eyebrow raised as though she dared the younger woman to argue with her.

Alexia looked posed to respond, but when she caught Marta looking back at the Norwegian with worried eyes, she felt the fight drain out of her. The older Spaniard had always had a sweet spot for the nervous Wolfsburg transfer, and seeing it right in front of her eyes made her deflate like a balloon.

She knew that look.

She had lived that look before, when she hadn’t fucked all of this up seven ways to Sunday.

With a reluctant, apologetic glance at Marta, the midfielder nodded her head. She turned on her heels, much to the surprise of her co-captains, who were honestly expecting more of a pushback.

As they watched the midfielder walk off the pitch, they stared at the way her body seemed to curl in on herself, almost as though the brunette couldn’t bear to stand up straight as she stared down at her feet.

“What the hell happened?” Marta asked Vicky as she looked over at her captain. But the Barcelona captain was unable to tear her eyes away from Alexia’s retreating form until it disappeared into the building. It was only then that she looked over at Jenni, who hovered a short distance away from them with a look of unease on her face.

Vicky shook her head before she turned back to the pitch.

“I honestly have no idea,” she replied curtly as she made direct eye contact with Jenni, who seemed to understand the silent request of her captain as she turned back toward practice.

When the team filed in after training was done, Alexia and all of her stuff were gone, nowhere to be seen.

—

Nine years.

You had lived with the grief of losing her for nine years. You would never change your mind on the decision, but God did it feel as though you were sucking the blood out of your body. Even all of these years later, it still stung to think about how much you had lost in that moment.

Alexia took every ounce of happiness and peace with her when she left. While you still had other friends, you were by no means alone, it was never the same without her there. You hardly had to speak a single word for the brunette to understand where your mind was at. There was a closeness to the two of you that was impossible to replace. It hadn’t been the same after she had left, no longer having a confidant who held space for you.

Your father, while a lovely man, was never terribly involved in your life. He loved you, but having children was never his dream, and with how much he worked, you rarely saw him. It was a loss that you didn’t feel rather acutely, especially not when Jaume had swept you into his orbit through your friendship with Alexia. He had loved you like a daughter, and you cherished him for it in a way you had never managed with your own father.

Your two younger brothers, Leo and Adan, had struggled when you had gotten sick. They always looked up to you as their protector and ring leader. Seeing you unable to help, organize, and work as you usually did was strange for them, especially considering the fact that they were only fifteen and fourteen at the time. And while you spent much of your childhood watching over them with a loving gaze, it was your mother who stepped up to take care of them more.

Your mother Paula was a lovely, exuberant woman, if not a touch frazzled. She was a better entertainer than she was a mother, but there was no question she loved the three of you. The two of you had been a team in helping to raise the boys, because while your mother had wisdom you were steadfast in your ability to calm. You had been a significant help in raising the two boys, and your mother had come to rely on you as a result. It had all gotten thrown out of place when you had gotten sick. Your mother tried to pick up the slack, bless her, but she struggled. She did as best as she could until you were declared cancer free, and able to help pick up some of the slack that had been created. It helped that your brothers were compassionate and kind, never one to try and cause too much trouble.

Your mother passed away just a few years ago because of a brain aneurysm, much to the devastation of your father. While you missed her terribly, you never needed her for stability and strength. That was found on your own.

Chemo treatments were mostly done on your own, a book and a sick bag in hand. It was a tough three months, but you made it through with as big of a smile as you could muster. A friend would accompany you occasionally, but they never quite knew what to do when they were there with you. Not that you faulted them for it, but it only made you more exhausted having to entertain on top of feeling ill.

After a grueling few months, the tumor had shrunk enough to be surgically removed, and a few rounds of radiation killed off the last of it. It had been less than a year to get rid of everything, though in your mind it had felt much longer.

Overall, the treatment had gone well from a medical perspective. You had responded well and were declared to be in remission swiftly. You were young and otherwise healthy, making you the perfect candidate to respond to treatment.

That didn’t seem to account for the ache that persisted deep in your chest, but it wasn’t as a result of your sickness. The sense of loss that pervaded your mind for years afterward was impossible to banish. You had not made a mistake, and yet your mind and body betrayed you with a wanton amount of unearned yearning.

There was a restlessness that existed within you, a restlessness that needed to be solved and yet had nowhere to go.

You had begun university toward the end of your treatments and sped through a track in finance, turning heads each and every way you went. There was always a level of intelligence to you that you were aware of, but investment analysis and management came naturally to you it seemed.

Though you had the opportunity to go earlier, you waited dutifully for your brothers to finish school and go off to university before you left your hometown. Leo ended up in Valencia for school, and a year later Adan made the decision to stay in Madrid for his degree.

Once you were certain your brothers were settled, you began to dig for opportunities in your own career. The work you had put in paid off, and you had offers not only in Spain but France, Italy, the United States as well.

You didn’t care about any of that, though. You took the one job that put you directly in Barcelona and decided to figure it out from there.

There was a safety and security to being in the same city as Alexia, even if she had no clue you were there. You were thankful for the move, honestly, thankful for the opportunity to meet new friends and build your own life. The sun forever shined and the city was exciting and vibrant, devoid of the reminders that face you everywhere in Madrid.

Both of your brothers ended up staying in or returning to Madrid, living near your mother until her death and trying to stay vaguely connected to your father. He had struggled immensely in the wake of her passing, but both Leo and Adan never seemed to mind stepping in to keep him on the right path.

By all logical standards, you had a wonderful life. An amazing group of friends, a job you really enjoyed, hobbies you found interesting. It felt like the whole package of what someone would want in their life.

But you found in the morning after your talk with Alexia, there was nothing you wanted to do with this life. You simply wanted to be left alone to rot, and you found that you didn’t care who disagreed. The longing in your heart threatened to swallow you whole, your hatred for your decisions every single day of the last nine years.

You had finally been honest with Alexia, you had told her the truth…but was it worth it?

Based on the feeling inside of you right now, it wasn’t worth it.

You would have taken anger over devastation on her face any day.

You loved her too much to care about your own peace of mind.

And yet…

—

Alexia nearly jumped out of her skin when she unlocked the door of her apartment, only to find that Jenni was sitting on her couch with a glass of lemonade and a raised brow. The midfielder did a complete double take, confounded when she reminded herself that the door had in fact been locked before she came in here.

“How the hell did you get in here?” The Catalan asked with confusion as her heart rate struggled to return to an acceptable level. She looked around her apartment with a perplexed glint to her expression, as though she expected to find the answer laying in front of her in the form of a crowbar or something.

“Oh please, we’ve been friends for many years. We are both allowed to have our little secrets, no?” Jenni diverted, and Alexia shook her head instantly, looking toward the striker with a lost expression.

“What – no?! That doesn’t mean you get to break into my apartment! How did you even get in her–”

“This is not the point of this conversation, Alexia,” Jenni cut her friend off easily, ignoring how bewildered the brunette was as a result of her surprise appearance. The striker settled, a concerned look flashing across her features. “You fucked up that conversation, didn’t you?”

“You’re not allowed to just barge in here whenever you want!” Alexia spat, a sudden rush of anger coursing through her at Jenni’s words. Defensiveness coursed through her veins with a fury, and nobody had managed to pin her down for long enough to have a real conversation with her.

Until now, apparently.

When the raven-haired woman leveled her with a disbelieving stare, the Catalan’s shoulders collapsed just slightly. When Jenni wanted something, she was like a dog with a bone. She would stop at absolutely nothing to get it, and the midfielder knew there was no way of getting out of this conversation with anger or deflections. She sighed forcefully, settling her keys down on her kitchen counter and pressing her head into her hands.

“I did,” she conceded after a moment, her voice shaky and impossibly quiet. When she finally looked up, the torment inside her entire body seemed to reflect in her expression. Jenni felt horrible, seeing how torn up her friend was.

“I fucked everything up Jenni, everything. I came into it with so much aggression and fear, and made all these accusations I don’t even really think I meant,” she admitted with a humorless chuckle, an echo of agony in her words.

Silence cascaded around them, the air thick with regret and despondency.

“She was sick,” Alexia revealed after a moment. She glanced up at Jenni, struggling to control herself. “She was sick, and so she broke things off because she couldn’t leave, but she wanted me to. She saved my career, made a sacrifice for my own happiness, and in return I screamed horrible things at her. What kind of person does that make me?” Alexia pleaded, her voice cracking over the last sentence.

Jenni thought about the question for a moment before she shook her head and looked back at Alexia. There was a compassion in her expression, and the Catalan forced herself to look away in the face of it. She didn’t deserve it.

“It makes you human, Alexia,” the raven-haired woman countered, her words soft and sympathetic, almost saccharine in their amount of sweetness.

“No it doesn’t,” Alexia grumbled under her breath, but Jenni was quick to continue.

“Yes it does. You did not have all the information at the time. And okay, you said some things you regret? Go apologize for them then! You made a mistake, and you feel remorse, Alexia. That in and of itself means that there is love and compassion in your heart.”

“And if she doesn’t accept that apology?” Alexia shot back, fighting to be kind as she was gripped with fear. She looked over at Jenni with a flame in her eyes, anything to hide how upset she truly was. It was easier to mask it than it was to face it, after all.

“Then she doesn’t accept the apology, and life moves on. But you won’t know if you don’t even bother to try,” Jenni offered as she walked over and placed a hand on her friend's shoulder comfortingly.

“Forgive yourself enough to give her the opportunity to forgive you. If she was in your spot, you would do the same. If she cares as much about you as you say she does, I think you have a fighting chance,” the striker suggested, her voice gentle. The brunette remained deep in thought, thinking hard about Jenni’s words. The raven-haired woman let herself out before Alexia could even formulate a response.

And while there were a lot of thoughts swirling around in Alexia’s mind, perhaps the top of the list was that she really, really needed to get a locksmith to her apartment.

—

It was a thought that often consumed the brunette as her career began to take off. It had been a question, something that weighed on her mind in the dark of night when she lay alone.

Was it worth it?

The duty to herself, to her career pulled at her endlessly. Everyone around her was dedicated to their career, putting it above their family at nearly all cost. And she understood, she wanted to be the best. The pull to change the sport, to leave a legacy behind that made women’s football better than where she had started.

But what was the cost?

How many family dinners had she missed? How many birthdays? How many celebrations?

How many moments had she missed, even just the mundane, small things in life. How many inside jokes and how much late night laughter had evaded her because of this choice?

And she knew that her family loved her, and that they understood how important her career was to her. But it never took away from the fact that she was gone often. That unlike her teammates and peers, she spent the least amount of time with her family as the years had passed. Whereas many of her friends grew more committed to their families, getting married and even having children, football had become her sole focus in life.

Other than you, she had never been in a committed relationship with anyone. Her friendships were from football, everything in her life had revolved around football. Protecting her image, embracing the game, doing whatever she could to advance the team and herself to perfection.

It wasn’t until you had stumbled back into her life that suddenly she remembered what it had been like to live a life. And sure, she knew that her career was different now, much more intense. But the Catalan also knew that you never would have allowed her to become so overwhelmingly immersed into her career.

It was less the time commitment and more the mindset she approached her career with that had changed in your absence. Alexia had always assumed that in order to be the best, she had to be so devoted to football in every aspect of her entire life. That there was no room outside of it for distractions.

Her friends hadn’t become worse because they had loved ones, because they took a step back. They were still dedicated, but also well rested and prepared.

The two of you had been together for so many years, and then football had been the thing to divide you. It was Alexia’s career that had been prioritized above you, a decision that you had made and believed in.

Had you really ever thought you were more important than football?

Had she done that? Had she felt that you were more important than football?

All she could think of was how you were sick and alone, a burden to bear alone when you should have been loved and supported.

Alexia was not angry that you hadn’t told her, not by a long shot. But she was furious with the circumstances, with her own choices, with everything else in the situation besides you.

You had meant so much to her, and she had let you go without any recourse. She never even considered that there was so much depth to the decision you had made.

And now here she stood, trying to pick up the pieces of something that had gone from broken to shattered entirely.

Alexia knew that she loved you.

That she still loves you, even after all this time. There were parts of a person that never changed, and she saw it in your expression.

Even after all this time.

Her career came first in every aspect of her life, but maybe just this once it didn’t have to. Maybe some personal happiness was deserved, maybe it could be her choice to try and fix this.

Maybe she deserved a break, or some peace, or to undo all of the mistakes she had made in the last decade. Maybe the choice she made here would make her better, and not worse.

The brunette had no idea if you still loved her anymore, not after the appalling things she had said, but she couldn’t let it go without at least trying to get you back.

She had lost you once, and she wasn’t prepared to let it happen again without a fight.

—

Alexia can’t bring herself to pick up the phone and dial, so she took the coward's way out and texted you to ask for your address.

Much to her surprise, you answered her. It’s nothing more than the address rattled off, but it’s there. The brunette felt her heart constrict for a moment at the thought that it wasn’t really your address, that you had sent her a fake location.

But at the same time, even if that were the case, a part of her would understand. For all the years that she had been hurt and alone and yearning desperately for you, it had been the same for you.

The choice you had made was impossible, indescribable even, and Alexia knows in her heart that her career wouldn’t be where it was without your sacrifice. You had sacrificed your own dream so that she could live hers, and when it all came back to the two of you all these years later, she had completely desecrated that sacrifice without a second thought.

She continued to be appalled with herself over that entire conversation. It was all she saw every time she closed her eyes, the words she had said rattling around in her brain all night long.

The look on your face as she dug herself into a deeper hole, filled with disregard for how much care you had tried to give the situation. It was never going to be perfect, but you had tried to be perfect. And in that moment, she had acted as though it wasn’t enough.

It was.

You had always been more than enough for her, regardless of whether you two were together or not.

Every single time she had laid in bed since, memories both good and bad of the two of you had pooled in her eyes, rolling down her cheek and escaping onto the pillow beneath her.

She had lost her curiosity inside the ferocity of her own judgement, and she regretted it with every molecule inside of her. She regretted it so much that it made her feel physically ill, to the point where she no longer cared about being appropriate or saving face.

It was late in the evening when she drove over to your apartment. She had a plan to go on Sunday morning, but it was Friday night and her self restraint had ground away until it no longer existed.

The Catalan took the steps two at a time up to the third floor, knowing that each moment likely brought her closer to you. She hoped it did, at least. It was highly possible that you were out with friends or doing something fun, as you should be.

But still hope gripped her with a strength she was unaware she ever had. Loving you was never the detractor she had spent the last decade convincing herself it was, but was where she got her strength.

Loving you had breathed life into her and she was silly to have ever thought differently.

She knocked on the door to your apartment before she could stop herself from overthinking every single one of her life choices. Her knuckles struck against the wooden door exactly three times, each one more forceful than the lost.

The brunette waited with everything in her for the sound of anything in the wake of knocking. Any movement, any sign of life, anything. The seconds felt like hours and years as her heart rammed its way into her throat.

And then she heard it, the softness of your voice as you called out that you were coming.

Alexia was known for being a stoic person, never one to overly show emotion. She kept everything close to her chest, and rarely did she express how she was feeling. It took hours of knowing her, and even then she was still hesitant to show weakness.

But the tears were pooling in her eyes even before you opened the door.

And there you were.

Standing in your pajamas, a book in your hand and an expression of mild surprise at the sight of Alexia nearly in tears at your door. It certainly wasn’t what you were expecting, though you knew the footballer had your address.

“Ale?” You questioned softly, your voice barely there. The brunette swallowed thickly, trying and failing to conjure an apologetic smile.

“I am sorry…I meant to come later but I couldn’t…wait,” she finished lamely, rather breathless as she fought to keep the pressure in her throat from turning into full blown sobs. You stared at her for a second, at how tense she was, at the anxiety written across her face. After you had tucked some of the hair away from your face, you stepped back into your apartment and widened the opening of the door.

“Would you like to come in?” You proposed, and the footballer took your offer up with a shaky nod of her head.

The brunette trailed after you further into the apartment. It was a large apartment, but it felt cozy and lived in. Half-burned candles and ear-marked books were strewn around the space, and a throw blanket could be found on every surface.

She remembered that you had always run cold. When the two of you were young and in love, she would whisper to you about the warmth Barcelona would offer, even as she provided you plenty of her own body heat as she laid curled around you.

“Alexia?” You probed lightly, and she shook her head as she glanced up, realizing that she had let her mind wander. Concern and compassion stared right back at her.

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” she replied harshly, trying and failing to be discreet as she wiped at her eyes.

“You don’t have to be,” you said delicately, gesturing toward the couch. “Why don’t we sit down?”

You couldn’t help but realize that right now with just one look at Alexia, you already forgave her. Every line etched into her skin was written with devastation and contrition. Somewhere deep within you knew how she felt, and knew that she did not mean the things she had said.

There was so much information to process, so much confusion and chaos, that you had both lost yourselves.

Maybe there was an opportunity to be found again.

You weren’t going to let the weakness of one moment detract from the opportunity that lay in front of you.

You led her over to the couch, and the pair of you settled down across from one another. You sat with your back against one arm of the couch, while Alexia was across from you, her hands on her knees. Her knuckles were nearly white, and you wished in that moment to reach out and soothe the ache in her heart, even if you knew that you couldn’t. When the midfielder turned toward you, all you found facing you was suppliance.

“I cannot explain to you how sorry I am,” she whispered, her voice choked with emotion. “I had no idea the sacrifice you had made for me, I had no idea that there was so much more behind all of this. I was foolish to believe that you broke up with me over something selfish or petty.”

She seemed to bite her words back, as though her self-loathing was simply too great of a burden to contain for a moment. When she settled, the Catalan continued.

“I never should have spoken to you that way. The truth is that I’ve spent the last nine years missing you, thinking about you, unable to get myself over the years we spent together. It feels as though you’ve been out of my life as long as you were in it, and I hate that. I hate that I haven’t been able to grow with you. I hate that when I lay awake at night I miss you with an ache I cannot even begin to describe to you. I hate that I wasn’t able to be there for you when you needed me. I hate that your sacrifice probably saved my career, even though I wish with everything in me that I was there for you when you needed me,” Alexia finally admitted, deciding to be nothing but brutally honest.

“And I won’t lie to you and say there haven’t been other women in the years without you, but God it never compared to you. I didn’t give a shit about any of them, and I never really expected to. You’re intertwined within my soul in a way I don’t even fully understand, and living without you feels like walking around missing a limb. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten over you, and I tried to force football down my throat because if it was the reason I lost you, it had to be worth it.”

“I miss your smile and your laugh. I miss the way you roll your eyes at me when I do something ridiculous, or how patient you are with me when I get frustrated. I still find myself looking for you in every crowd, at every family gathering, everywhere. When I finally did see you again, it felt like a fever dream. The one thing I’ve wanted for the last nine years was granted to me, and there you were.”

“You were standing there so perfectly and in one piece, and inexplicably, you seem to care about me still. I never could have imagined that happening, even if I dreamt about it every single night of my life that you haven’t been in,” Alexia continued, allowing herself to take a deep breath and center herself. Frustration passed over her face for a moment, entirely

“I fucked this up royally, I know. I let the fear in my heart and the fear that those around me held get in the way of seeing the truth, and I need you to know how sorry I am. I never should have treated you that way. I never should have acted toward you with such hostility. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I need you to know that everything I said, I don’t believe. You are brave and wonderful and empathetic, and so, so, extraordinary. Please do not let anyone else ever say that you are not,” Alexia urged, looking at you with such clear intent you couldn’t tear your eyes away.

“I still love you, Flori. I think that I always will. My heart knows what it means to love and be loved by you, and nothing will ever compare to that feeling. My heart was always yours to break, and I don’t care if you do it once or twice or a million times. All I know is that even if you don’t feel the same way, I need you to know that I love you,” Alexia said with finality, barely able to see against the blur of tears that swarmed in her eyes.

You stood up from your end of the couch slowly while her eyes tracked every single one of your movements. You walked closer to her, settling down next to her as closely as you could while you reached over to place your shaking hands against the frame of her face.

“You big, blithering idiot, of course I still love you,” you whispered fiercely, your face scrunched up somewhere between disbelief and teasing. Alexia let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was even holding, the entire upper half of her body collapsing into you.

It was easy for you to catch the brunette, cradling her against you as she sobbed without restraint against you. It was easy to rock her back and forth softly, while you whispered sweet nothings into her ears. And it was just as easy to pull her away from you and utter the words she never thought she would hear.

“I forgive you, and of course I still love you Ale. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and you still are. I’m right here, and I don’t plan on going anywhere, if you’ll have me. We might have lost our chance when we were young, but maybe we can have another one?” You proposed hopefully, almost with disbelief. Neither of you ever expected for this to be anywhere near possible, but here you both were.

The Catalan’s expression broke entirely, silent tears rolling down her cheeks in defiance as she placed a hand on your arm and held it tightly.

“I’m here,” was all she could manage, but it was enough.

You leaned into her slowly as you glanced down at her lips, giving her time to pull away. It was a concern you needn't be worried about when she met you halfway, the feeling one of muscle memory even after all this time. You could taste the salt from her tears and yours as you kissed her.

“Please stay,” you murmured through the ball in your throat as you pulled away just a touch, and Alexia gripped you impossibly tighter as she pulled you into a hug.

For the first time in nine years, you fell asleep that night with the footballer’s body curled around your own, the feel of her chest breathing steadily against your back as she held you in her arms with content.

It was the first time in a long while that you had felt warm enough when going to sleep, and hope ballooned inside you fervently.

(a/n: So…anyone up for parts 4-10?)

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