#I’m sorry Dana i know you’ve explained this to me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

writerofweird · 1 year ago

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World of Ants (expanded Ant Story)

Okay, I took this story I wrote, combined both parts, edited it slightly and added a bit at the end. Enjoy!

(10,272 words, includes body horror, language and implied nudity)

An ant doesn’t start babbling when they see a circuit board. They find it strange, to them it is a landscape of strange angles and humming monoliths. They may be scared, but that is not madness.

Madness comes when the ant, for a moment, can see as a human does.

-@bramblesand

I once met an ant who said she was a human woman.

She approached my colony as we were engaged on our usual routine collecting leaves, accompanied by another ant. From listening in on their conversation, I learned she had narrowly escaped the beak of a bird and was being brought to us to assist us.

‘I’m not an ant,’ she protested, standing on her hind two legs and gesturing to them with her front two legs.

‘You are an ant,’ replied the ant who had brought her near me.

I almost left them alone to continue with my usual work, but what caused me to drop the leaf I was carrying in my pincers and scurry over was her saying, ‘I’m human! My name is Dana and I was turned into an ant!’ Getting back on six legs, she added, ‘I need your help so I can change back!’

Ants knew all about transformations, about something becoming something else. There certainly was no way ants who had their nest invaded by a butterfly would ever forget what transformation was. If a caterpillar could become a butterfly, I thought, a human could become an ant. A human, like those I often saw during my food collections, engaged in activities I wouldn’t be able to participate in.

Ants knew all about transformations, and yet the ant who brought Dana to me said, ‘Very funny.’ She gestured to me with her head, adding, ‘You’re as bad a daydreamer as she is.’

Hearing this, she scuttled towards me, with both of us turning away from the other ant and the rest of the colony. The first thing I said to her was, ‘I believe you.’

‘Do you mean that?’ Dana replied, her antennae springing up slightly, ‘Because now I know ants have some knowledge of sarcasm.’ There were various things ants had subconsciously picked up from humans, I thought as Dana said this. There had been many overhead conversations, as well as the rare moments humans tried talking to ants, and yet, frequently I was chastised for stopping to view them.

‘No, I believe you,’ I replied, explaining to her the example of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly through an incident.

‘Wow,’ she replied, a word I had heard for the first time in my life that I figured out was an exclamation of surprise, ‘it just gets worse and worse the more I hear about it.’

‘Yes.’

‘And you’ve been like this your whole life?’ Dana looked at the ground, ceasing her scuttling for a moment. ‘I’m sorry.’

Dana crawled to me, told me her story and I - still holding out hope that there was a fairy or magical creature out there who could change someone’s species in seconds - believed her.

Dana had explained how what was supposed to be a routine pizza delivery - she had to explain to me what a pizza was - ended with her force-fed a potion that caused an extra pair of limbs to burst from under her arms, that caused her bones to merge with her skin, that caused her hair to retreat, stabbing her insides like several needles. After that, she spent what felt like hours crawling through her oversized uniform before being picked up by the scientist who created the potion, thankfully slipping through their fingers before they could trap her in their ant farm.

The way she described how she now saw things - like how the furniture she used to sit on seemed to mutate into something oppressive and how she felt so much of herself had been hacked away - seemed like the type of thing that couldn’t have been made up.

What also strengthened my belief that Dana was not originally an ant was how, as we walked together while talking, she would often trip over her middle set of legs, collapsing on her thorax. One such moment happened when we were crawling together among the grass blades and two pairs of sneakers came our way, with me shoving Dana out of the way just in time, and before avoiding a drop of dew from a blade. ‘Thank you,’ I heard Dana say, though my attention wandered to who those shoes belonged to. Two women, exploring the natural world together, like Dana and I were.

That was what made me say what I had been thinking ever since I met Dana.

‘Dana,’ I said after we resumed our journey, ‘that scientist you mentioned. They turned you into an ant.’

‘Yes.’

‘And you think you can turn back into a human?’

Both of us said nothing for a few seconds before Dana said, ‘And you think you can turn into a human as well?’

‘Yes,’ I said before looking up again, up at the sky and the sun and the people who basked in it. The people who didn’t have to worry about being flattened. The people who were allowed to do more than scurry and eat.

‘Well,’ Dana said, ‘after what I’ve been through, I certainly don’t blame you. I wouldn’t wish this…well, I certainly wouldn’t wish this on you. I mean…’ She let loose a noise that I was certain was supposed to be equivalent to a human laugh. ‘…by helping me, I think you’re well on your way to becoming human already.’ Just as we were about to leave the grass, she turned to me and asked, ‘Do you have a name?’ I didn’t answer. ‘Would you like one?’

I almost stood on my hind two legs as Dana had earlier. ‘Yes, please.’

‘Okay then,’ Dana replied, her antennae twitching as she stopped to think, ‘how about Betty then?’

So that was how I became Betty. Betty the Ant, soon to be Betty the Human.

After my naming, we left the greenery for what Dana called the pavement – what looked like someone took a river and replaced the water with mud. ‘Keep close to me,’ Dana told me as I did so, ‘seeing these buildings larger makes me feel dizzy.’ As if to punctuate this, she tripped on her legs again, right before we both scurried back in the grass as a human passed by, the clicking of his feet pounding into my brain. The pounding in my brain matched the pounding of my heart as I pondered the possibility of becoming human, and I told myself that while dodging shoes, I should remember that I was doing so to make sure such a thing would no longer be a problem. I would no longer hide from the humans, I would walk beside them. They wouldn’t grimace to see me on their food, they would smile at me as they saw me on the pavement.

Dana and I could go running through the fields together.

Both of us becoming human dominated my mind as Dana tried to lead the way towards where the scientist lived. When we were human, I thought, we wouldn’t be able to hide in a drainpipe nor would we need to. When we were human, our food sources didn’t have to come from what other humans disposed with.

As night fell, Dana perked up her head and screamed, ‘Fucker still has my car!’ Before us stood what looked like a gigantic sugar cube covered in mould, making me glad that I had recently had a snack of a discarded piece of chocolate. When we were human, I said to myself, we wouldn’t have to settle for less when it comes to food. This large building will look smaller. We could walk through doors instead of cracks in the walls.

The room we entered resembled the nest where I grew up, where the walls were taller and less colourful, with a floor that resembled a grey, frozen lake and there were what looked like the benches I saw in the parks, only lined with various glasses and metallic equipment I couldn’t name.

Again, we saw a pair of large shoes, making both of us instinctively crawl behind a table leg. Peeking around, I saw on the floor ant entrails. Dana placed her two forelegs against her pincers.

‘Well, well,’ came the voice from above, making my head throb harder than the footsteps against the pavement, ‘you weren’t very effective workers, were you?’ I scuttled closer to the feet despite Dana growling at me not to and saw that the human in the white coat was looking down at the dead ants. ‘Guess you lost your chance to be human again,’ they added, placing a glass on top of the table Dana and I were hiding beneath. Back to Dana I went, my thorax and abdomen filled with a fierce stinging at how we had come too late to save these humans-turned-ants, alleviated by how that fate didn’t befall Dana, and the fact that I had a good idea how we were going to become human.

Both of us sat behind the table leg, watching the scientist gloat at their triumph, and as soon as they left the room, Dana walked beside me again, this time so I could guide her up the table leg. ‘Come on,’ I said to her, making sure she clung on. I was the first to climb onto the surface, and Dana suggested I bow my head down so she could grab onto my pincers with her forelegs, bringing us to the same level.

I was reminded of the picnic blankets I and my colony had passed, but there were no baskets or half-eaten meat to be found; only a pile of glass and soil, and the glass the scientist had been carrying, its label featuring what looked like severed legs arranged into a strange pattern.

‘This is it!’ cried Dana, tapping the label. ‘It says “Ant to Human”. Betty! This could work!’

I raced over to the bottle, my mind again filled with images on what I saw on a daily basis that I could finally participate in, all the new tastes I could sample, all the new places I could go. I almost leapt onto it, digging my pincers into what was jammed in the top as Dana pressed her head against the main body. As soon as the top flew off, the glass toppled over. As it contents poured onto the ground, Dana and I dove into it.

This is it, I thought as I scuttled over to the potion which we had managed to spill onto the floor. The end of my old life and the beginning of a new, more exciting one.

If this scientist could turn humans into ants, they could turn ants into humans.

No more living in fear, I told myself as I dipped my pincers into the fluid as Dana was doing. No more would I have to worry about birds or mantises or anything else. Things would be simpler, things would be more fun….

Caterpillars.

As soon as I tasted the liquid it felt like caterpillars - a myriad of writhing caterpillars - had invaded my body like one had invaded the hive, thrusting against the insides of my legs and thorax, demanding escape.

More and more caterpillars spawned within me, and my body changed to accommodate them.

Yes, I said to myself as I felt my body inflate, the shelf and walls in my vision shrinking. Yes, I’m growing, no-one will ever step on me again.

I still felt the caterpillars. I felt them stretch and squirm within me, forcing my eyes to the front of my head and ripping away two of my legs. My stinger and antennae forcing themselves back in my body - feeling like a bird’s beak shoving itself into my insides - made me fall, the chill of the floor making the caterpillars livelier.

I forced my eyes open to see my abdomen shrinking and my back legs inflating to look like colossal earthworms, sprouting what looked like maggots forcing their way out. For a minute, I swore I felt my antennae return - it felt like several of them bursting from my skull. It felt like cocoons were sprouting from the side of my head, and some of the caterpillars inside me had successfully escaped through my face and my legs yet still stuck to me.

I heard, ‘It worked! You’re human!’ yet the pain failed to subside. I not only felt writhing, I felt a whole new creature inside me, readying itself to burst out.

Again, I forced myself to open my eyes to look at my feet. Feet like those that had eliminated and tormented so much of my kind, toes as large as I had been previously, a big maggot with little maggots sprouting from it that I could control. As soon as my brain told me to get back on six legs, it told me to get back on two.

I stood, towering over what had previously towered over me. I looked at a table and saw it as something to lean on and place what I could use on, but I saw it as something to crawl up and crawl under. I looked at a chair and saw it as something to sit on and to sit under.

‘Betty, you look beautiful.’

I stared at my friend right in the eyes. I stared at a human right in the eyes. As I looked at those bizarre marbles called eyes and the many long thin antennae sprouting from her head, I saw what I had been blessed with. I saw what I had and could never had.

I was staring at her right in the eyes and crawling at her feet.

For a fleeting second, I was back in my old body: an ant with six limbs and antennae crawling under grass instead of attempting to walk in a room full of test-tubes. Both realities felt wispy.

Dana had been forced to take a potion that turned her into an ant like I used to be. The only thing, I believe, that prevented me from looking for that potion was the fact Dana had called me beautiful.

Dana had found the outfit she was wearing before her first transformation, and after dressing herself, returned with clothing from a less fortunate victim of the scientist.

In her fingers, she held a pair of shoes. Shoes like those I had narrowly escaped from, shoes that seemed to bulge as Dana held them. As I took the shoes from her, there was another moment where I was back in nature, but I was still human, looking down at my tinier ant self.

Just put on the clothes, I ordered myself. One thing humans do frequently is wear clothes, so I reasoned my first article of clothing would help tether me to the world of humanity and my previous life would fade.

Dana held up a t-shirt in front of my chest, a garment I could once explore like it was a nest, now made to be draped over my body. Again, I was that human that attempted to step on my previous self, quickly reasoning how to put on the shirt and jeans and shoes, though Dana assisted. It was like flying through shrinking tunnels.

Once dressed, Dana took me by the hand and guided me outside. I was closer to the sky than I had been before. I raised my hand, almost certain I could pluck off one of the stars. For a second, I felt like a god.

In another second, the sky itself became a god, seemingly furious at my transformation, coming closer to show that even in my new form, I could still be crushed.

Dana stumbled, almost sending us falling face-first into the ground. ‘Sorry,’ she said, ‘guess I’m still getting reacquainted with being me. You know, I never knew what ants went through until I became one myself. I’m…’ She helped me up to my feet, even though a voice bellowed in my head that I should be standing on six limbs and not two. ‘I’m glad I helped you escape that.’

I still needed escape.

Dana directed me to what she called a “car”, what I first saw as a warped beast with two mouths and two leather tongues, its monstrous nature diminished when Dana happily leapt in, and patted one of those tongues. The car didn’t gnash or bite – though it made a noise like a roar when it started – so I made my way in, looking at a smaller version of that grey river through glass.

Dana took us back to her home – what looked like a gigantic slab that grew larger as I entered. Out I stepped into the night, with Dana wrapping her arm – what had once been a foreleg – around my form as I couldn’t help but look at my feet. What I had managed to narrowly avoid for so long now belonged to me.

One reason I dreamed of becoming human was that with larger size, as I heard, comes a longer life. A human body brings forth the possibility of seeing more change, more innovation, a far cry from an ant's repetitive life, which carried with it the looming suspicion that each night may be the last one you may witness.

That suspicion hung over me even as a human. It didn’t feel like the last night before death, but it was heralding an ending.

The next morning, to celebrate Dana’s return to humanity and my initiation into it, we decided to visit the spot where we first met.

The day began with a shower that left me shuddering as I remembered the myriad raindrops that threatened to destroy me, and a new set of clothes courtesy of Dana’s wardrobe. Again, she held me so I could walk on two legs because I was supposed to.

I was supposed to be a biped vertebrate. I was supposed to feel close to the sky and be larger than the bins and the shrubs we passed. The sunlight was supposed to feel like a tiny roasting on my skin.

I thought my mind was finally adjusting to my new body as I embraced the morning air. No more ant me. Human thoughts and human thoughts only.

Then I saw the other ants.

I looked at them and remembered when I had been among them, when I had been the same size and had been promised the same lifetime as them. ‘No,’ I whispered as I felt like I was the same size as them again.

Seeing them made my feet sting, as if they were begging me to crush them since I had the power to, as if destruction of ants were an integral part of human nature.

I saw them as potential humans.

Though I closed my eyes, I saw all of them inflating to my size, their antennae and legs and abdomen shrivelling away to make way for fingers and toes and hair and ears and noses. I saw the world through their eyes, I saw their nest and their surroundings stretch and flatten and warp. It was what I had experienced, but I had wanted this.

‘Are you okay?’

I turned to see a human, momentarily distracted from their ice cream cone. I had always wondered what it would be like to hold one of those things, to eat them without having them fall.

I saw the human as a potential ant.

I saw them transform as Dana described her own transformation, their ice cream falling to the ground as their fingers burrowed back into their arms and their hair hid away to herald the arrival of antennae.

I imagined flattening them under my foot, maybe punctuating it with ‘Now you know how it feels!’ and I wasn’t sure how I felt about the fact I laughed at that.

‘Betty, are you okay?’

Again, we walked beside each other.

When I was an ant, I scurried across a discarded human object that I assumed was one of those things they wore for the sole purpose of decorating themselves. As a human, I learned it was a key.

When Dana took me back to her house, she told me she was locking the door - yet another object that seemed to stretch and shrink as I looked at it - in case the scientist responsible for our transformations found us. A key was used in tandem with a device called a lock to stop doors from opening.

When you are an ant, things just are. Birds want to fly down and eat you because they just do. You can lift heavy things because you just can. Humans find you disgusting because they just do.

In hopes of helping me adjust to my new humanity, Dana showed me a device that resembled a portable rectangular puddle. Like a puddle, I saw my reflection - I saw the being with several thin long antennae and the forward-facing eyes and as I did, the caterpillars within me squirmed all the more - but unlike puddles, I saw that locks didn’t stop doors from opening because they just did. The doors were prevented from opening due to parts as small as I used to be.

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As privileged as I felt to learn what few - if any other - ants had no idea of, I found myself looking at an open door in Dana’s home, leading to a small room with tall sticks.

Dana was a human who became an ant and became a human again and she can become an ant again. All there was outside were people who had the potential to be crushed and ants who had the potential to do the crushing. Even if I turned back into an ant, what I learnt would remain and my nest would grow and shrink and expand and compress. I would imagine the other ants as humans ready to kill me, and myself as a human ready to kill them.

I wondered if it would be better if I locked myself in that small room and did nothing but imagine what I thought being human would be like until I died of starvation.

It wasn’t until then I noticed I was in Dana’s kitchen, a place many ants had been in before, a place that seemed entirely made of shimmering white water.

‘Betty,’ Dana cried, grabbing a bottle of water – resembling the glass that induced my transformation in the first place - from the cupboard, ‘drink this; you’ll feel better.’

I held the bottle in my hand, its contents just enough to soothe my dehydration.

I held the house I was in in my hand, my finger just barely fitting through the door I could once walk easily through.

I held the country in my hand, trees flattening in my grip.

I held the sky in my hand, the stars scattered across my palm like sugar.

I felt more like a human being than ever before.

With the many times I momentarily felt like I had transformed back into an ant, I was long overdue to feel like the human I had become. The human I was.

I was human. The rooms I stood in and the furniture they contained were made for me. The sofa was where I could sit or sleep. The tables were where I could place food.

When I accidentally spilled biscuits on the floor, I had no desire to nibble at it. When I looked at a window and the sunlight piercing it, it reminded me nothing of another glass held by a sadistic child.

I was human. Dana was human and so was I. When she held me, it was not to allow me to crawl across her palm nor was it to reduce me to entrails between her fingers. When she held me, she pressed her palms against my shoulders and elbows, making my stomach settle when it needed settling.

I was human. Dana believed I was worthy of knowledge that only humans were privy to.

‘Welcome to Dana’s human lessons,’ Dana had said to me after I held that bottle, holding up a sheet of paper with “HUMAN LESSONS” written on it. I know that because she pointed at each letter and sounded them out, my first step to deciphering what were once odd markings.

There were many objects in Dana’s home, and like the lock and the key, I learned how they worked, and they were not “just because”. Every object had a story, and each story featured Dana. She not only explained the contents of the kitchen, but what she had made with them. There was more to be done with food than just take it, scuttle away and eat it.

And there was more to devour than just food. Every room, everything contained in those rooms, they had Dana’s stories that could be my stories as well. No ants knew about internet or ibuprofen, but explanations of those and what they did now rested in my enlarged brain.

Then she showed me, in her own words: ‘something I liked as a kid but comes off a bit differently now.’

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Ants. Ants as seen by humans. Ants like I was once as seen by humans like I am now.

We did look around woods like those for food, and we even surprised ourselves in how much we managed to carry away, but we were nowhere near as jovial about it as the cartoon - as Dana called it - portrayed.

The ants there looked less like ants than they did how I imagine I looked during my transformation.

That’s when I realised why I was so eager to learn about the human world.

I was a human. I was an ant.

Dana was a human. Dana was an ant.

Both of us had crawled beneath the roots of trees and brushed our fingers against their highest branches. Both of us had seen the sky clearly and obscured by blades of grass.

I didn’t feel like I had become an ant again, yet I found myself hungering for that form, but only for a moment. A moment where I could return to my colony and share stories of everything I had learned, everything they willingly ignored and mocked.

The humans would see me transform again, I thought, they would believe that Dana was briefly an ant and so would believe her stories of what it was like.

The days of ants being vilified, mocked, flattened and roasted would come to an end. I saw ants as potential humans and humans as potential ants because I saw them learning more about each other.

And there were other animals out there too. What would it be like to fly like a bird, to be even closer to the sky? What would it be like to be a dog, larger than the grass yet smaller than the bins?

We had to pay another visit to the scientist.

‘Look, I’m sorry I haven’t been coming in these past few days,’ I heard Dana say while speaking into that portable puddle of hers, ‘I know about the disappearances, yes, it’s…well, I’ve recently made this new friend and well…she had a lot of sisters and her mother was very demanding, so you can see why I feel I should spend…okay…well, I’ll be delivering tonight.’ After placing her device in her pocket, she sat beside me on the sofa – a reminder that we were the same size – and buried her face in her hands.

I used the English I had picked up both from walking amongst the humans and beneath them to say, ‘You should have told them.’

‘I should have,’ sighed Dana, ‘but well, “I haven’t been to work today and didn’t finish delivering the pizzas because I got turned into an ant” isn’t going to sound very plausible. They won’t believe me.’

‘Humans should know,’ I replied, again looking at my hands, ‘maybe…maybe I should become an ant again…’

‘Betty,’ cried Dana, standing up, ‘no.’

‘Just for a while,’ I said, standing up to face her.

‘Betty, no,’ she repeated, holding me by the shoulders again, ‘I don’t want you to end up like those others. Being an ant was a nightmare for me and it was just for a day, I don’t want you to be stepped on or eaten, not after you saved my life.’

I gestured with my head towards her hands on my shoulders, indicating that the feeling of her soft palms was a feeling I wanted to share. ‘If humans see they could turn into ants and ants could turn into humans, I thought they would treat ants better, and maybe if I turn into an ant again, I could find other ants like me and…’ I again gestured with my head, this time to my form.

‘Oh, Betty.’

At this, Dana wrapped her arms around me.

Again, I felt the caterpillars within me. They were not squirming around my internal skeleton or attempting to escape from my skin.

They celebrated.

It was warmth, like that beam from that circular piece of glass. A beam that threatened not to destroy me, but any doubts or fears.

I couldn’t help but wrap my arms around her as well.

It was something I was privileged to experience. Something very few beings born ants had the opportunity to experience.

Something I needed to share.

My fingers became worms, attempting to burrow into Dana’s skin in an attempt to make this feeling last as long as it could, and yet when she said, ‘Please let go,’ I did as she told me with both of us chuckling, another moment that seemed to release those stinging creatures within me.

‘Betty,’ Dana said, shaking her head, ‘after going through what you have…part of me just wants to go out and turn all the ants in the world into humans. I can’t very well do that, I know.’

‘My sisters liked being ants,’ I responded as I remembered how gleeful they were when they had that grasshopper in their clutches. As much as that memory made my stomach it was undergoing what happened to that grasshopper, I still felt like I shouldn’t take that away from them.

Somewhere, there was another ant like me, looking up at humans and wishing she could be among them, not knowing there was something that could make her dream come true. She would most likely die before discovering it, I thought.

‘After all you’ve been through, I just felt you should have a normal life, but…’ Dana sighed. ‘Well, I mean, you’re probably the only…’ Her eyes grew larger, her limbs shaking. ‘Oh, fuck.’

‘What is it?’

‘That formula!’ cried Dana, running to her bedroom, ‘We spilled it…’ I followed her. ‘…and ants…’

Ants flock to anything edible spilled on the floor.

Again, my stomach felt like to was being devoured. I thought back to when I first became human, when I first struggled to see everything the size it was supposed to be, when those caterpillars attempted to burst from me, when one pair of legs disappeared yet I still felt them.

And I was prepared. And I wanted to be human.

‘Look!’ Before I could enter Dana’s bedroom, she ran out with a bag, clattering noises emitting from it. After opening it, she showed it was full of bottles. Bottles of the formula that had turned her into an ant, and us into humans. ‘I took these so they couldn’t do anything with them. With these, we should at least have a bargaining chip.’ The word “chip” took my mind to something I had often picked up to eat, but I knew full well words could have several meanings.

We both ran into Dana’s car, and this time, it was less to me like a hungry beast, and more like the entrance to my old nest. I sat beside Dana as she drove, picturing those other ants drinking from the puddle we created. I could see them inflating, their skeleton sucked into their body, resembling those ants we saw from the cartoon only larger and ganglier.

The scientist’s home seemed to spring up right in front of me, reminding me of the hungry birds I had managed to escape from. Without saying anything, Dana and I rushed to the door, with both of us pounding on it before taking a step backwards.

The scientist opened the door.

The grasshopper opened the door.

As soon as they, who had caused Dana to live the same nightmare I had been forced to survive, made their appearance, I lunged towards them, grabbing them by the wrist. As soon as I seized them, they stumbled over backwards into their laboratory, into where I had first increased in size. Walls and shelves that span and warped before me I first time I saw span and warped again, yet I forced my attention towards the scientist, a human about the same size I was, with black hair and wearing a white coat.

‘Who are you?’ they barked, before I noticed Dana enter, closing the door behind her.

‘Don’t you remember me?’ Dana walked closer, scowling at the scientist who scowled at her back. ‘Of course, you wouldn’t,’ Dana added.

I swear I saw my Queen, my mother, standing in front of me. Though I was still a human and she was still an ant, she towered over me like I now towered over the tables and chairs. She bent her head down at the scientist and nodded.

‘Oh, I see,’ sneered the scientist as they attempted to escape my grasp, ‘were you the one who spilled and took my formula?’ Dana and I nodded. ‘Well, some heroes you were. I thought I had killed every inhabitant of my little ant farm, but I come back into my lab to find two of them human again, just staring at their hands. You should have come…’

I dug my fingers into their wrist.

With the images of a transformation like my own returning to my brain, I looked over the laboratory, even as it stretched and shrunk before my eyes, and the wet stench distracted me.

‘I don’t think those were your victims,’ replied Dana after taking a deep breath, ‘they were ants.’

‘Of course they were…’

‘I mean ants who were born ants!’

The scientist stopped attempting to free their wrist. ‘What?’

Dana covered her face, as if trying to tear her skin off, and laughed a laugh that seemed to pierce my insides. ‘You seriously didn’t know it did that?’

The scientist didn’t respond.

‘I mean,’ Dana continued, removing her hand so she could stare at the scientist in their eyes, ‘were you planning on turning any of your victims back at all if they were good, or did you just create that formula in case you accidentally started turning yourself into an ant?’

The scientist reached for my hand with their free hand, and I grabbed their other wrist as well, bringing them back to their feet.

‘Did…did you seriously do this just to be evil? Like you wanted to be Big Jack Horner or something?’

I stared at the scientist, imagining my sisters swarming over them.

‘Well, look at my friend Betty. Some villain you are; the best thing that ever happened to her was because of your little experiments.’ Dana smiled at me. ‘The best thing that ever happened to me was because of your little experiments.’

That warmth returned. I almost let the scientist go simply to embrace Dana again.

As I remembered that hug we only just shared, I felt the scientist dig their nails into my fingers, the pain allowing them to escape. I reached for them again, only for them to bat my hand away.

‘Where are those people you found?’ barked Dana.

‘Wouldn’t you like to know?’ replied the scientist, nodding their head to the side.

From her bag, Dana held out a bottle.

‘Oh, you think that scares me? You did nothing! As soon as I saw those two, I mixed up a new batch of formula and put them back in the ant farm. I also mix…’

Before they could finish, I dove for them, slamming them back onto the floor.

I was an ant again, attempting to escape shoes.

I was a human, looking at an ant that deserved to be reduced to a pile of tiny entrails.

I was a human, shoving my foot in the stomach of another human.

Dana looked over them, formula in her hand. ‘We’ll make sure you never get to that other formula.’ She bent over to look at them. ‘Betty became human because she deserved to be human. What do you deserve?’

The scientist shuddered.

I placed my foot down harder as I turned to see Dana take two more bottles off a nearby shelf, which I noticed reminded me of the walls of my old nest. ‘Maybe we’ll go easier on you if you cooperate.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Turning into a human and back again when you weren’t prepared…’ Dana turned to the same table we had climbed up, the table where the ant farm rested. ‘…that has to be frightening. But maybe they want to try out being human, maybe they want an opportunity to experience what has been kept from them. If they don’t, perhaps they know of another ant who does.’

I lifted my leg. The scientist still lay.

‘They both need someone to talk to, but they can only really talk to another ant.’

I swallowed, moving away from the scientist towards Dana.

Dana bent down to better look at the scientist. ‘Turn me back into an ant.’

‘No!’ I cried.

‘You discovered the greatest breakthrough in zoological study,’ Dana continued, facing the scientist, ‘that can help us understand ants and them understand us, and you waste it just being a sadist. Turn me into an ant again, let me talk to the ants, then make me human again so I can report what I learned.’

‘No!’ I repeated, ‘Let me!’

‘Betty!’ She placed her hands on my arms again, letting that warmth return. ‘You’ve been through enough. If I do this, then it won’t matter if I get stuck as an ant forever or turn into a person with a big ant head, because at least then you’ll get to stay human. You’ll get the life you deserve.’

That warmth faded as soon as I heard clinking.

The scientist, back on their feet, hand nearing the bag around Dana’s shoulder. I instinctively clawed at them, making them back away.

‘You know,’ Dana said to him, ‘if you want to turn people into ants and step on them, you could do it to someone who deserves it and make money off it. Reveal to the world you made a Human-to-Ant formula, and an Ant-to-Human formula and billionaires will pay tonnes to be an ant for a weekend, just to say they have. Then, you know, you “accidentally” knock the ant farm over.’

The scientist sighed. ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’ They followed that up with a smile while adding, ‘Maybe we can work something out.’

As they spoke, I looked at the ant farm where two ants like me were now residing. A house with two humans living inside it I could hold in my hands. I took the same bottle I saw the scientist reaching for. I still couldn’t read what it said, but I knew it was the Human-to-Ant formula, especially since Dana said, ‘No!’ when I grabbed it.

‘Dana,’ I said, walking towards the table where the ant farm lay, ‘please let me do this.’ I placed the formula on the table and turned back to Dana, placing my hands on her arms like she did with me, hopefully delivering my own warmth.

‘Are you sure you want to do this?’

‘I’ve been an ant longer…’

‘Exactly,’ replied Dana, looking at the floor, ‘We don’t know if we will be able to make you human again if you turn into an ant or…’

‘I will have been a human,’ I replied, smiling.

Dana gave me her own smile. ‘So, better to have humaned and lost than to have never humaned at all?’

When I realised what she meant, I nodded.

After I pulled my hands – soon to be tarsi – away from Dana’s arms, she placed her palm on my cheek. ‘What if something goes wrong? What if…’

‘Dana,’ was all I could bring myself to say, and from the look in her face, she knew what I meant.

At that moment, we were both human beings.

Dana brought her face closer to mine and I brought her face closer to hers and we did what I had seen so many humans do and had wanted to do myself. It was another hug, a closer hug, one bringing a stronger warmth to it, making the caterpillars within me remain still.

Even if I turned back into an ant, I thought, and stayed that way forever, nothing would be the same.

As our lips separated, and we took a moment to look at each other in the eyes, I held the formula again. I said, ‘Please let me give them what you gave me.’

‘Are you sure about this?’ Dana asked, and I nodded. ‘Can I just do something first?’ she asked, pulling out her portable puddle. ‘You remember what I showed you about the locks? The video? We can take one of you transforming, to show others to show that it’s possible.’

The scientist cringed. ‘I…probably should have done that, shouldn’t I?’

‘You keep quiet,’ Dana asked and the scientist, who moments earlier had been trying to turn us both back into ants, did as she requested. I still kept my eyes fixed on them, preparing myself should they try anything else.

‘Hello!’ Dana said as she held the device, the one for making videos, up to her face with one hand. In the other hand, she held a formula. ‘My name is Dana and this is Betty. Look, how do I explain this…I was turned into an ant by an evil scientist.’ She swerved the device at the scientist themselves, who grinned and waved at it. ‘Thankfully, I managed to get changed back,’ she continued, holding the device closer to me. ‘I have Betty here to thank for that. She took the formula…the formula I used to turn back into a human and she turned into a human too, but she was born an ant.’ She turned the device back to her direction. ‘For the last few days, I have been teaching her how to be human, and now I’m going to turn her back into an ant so she can share what she’s learned with other ants. We’re going to see if they want to be human as well.’

Dana asked me if there was anything I wanted to say before I took the formula.

I looked at Dana. Dana who I had just kissed. Dana who I had just held.

All I could say was, ‘Dana. I love you.’

I took the formula.

Transforming into an ant was exactly how Dana described it. As a human, I kept fearing my internal skeleton would rip out of my skin, and that's what it felt like as I shrunk, my vision of the world growing eclipsed by the clothes I could no longer wear collapsing before me.

When I was a human, I lost two of my legs yet still could feel them. During my second period living as an ant, I still felt the fingers and toes that had shrivelled away to nothing.

I still felt the lips that had pressed against Dana's.

I will become human again, I told myself. After I explain humanity to other ants, and Dana and the scientist bestow humanity on those who want it, I'll also be given the Ant-to-Human formula again and be with Dana again.

‘Okay, Betty,’ I heard Dana say before she took a deep breath, ‘Just go into the ant farm and talk to them. If they want to be human, have them follow you. If they don’t, have them stay still.’

I walked through the tunnels on six legs, yet an ache in all six of them told me I should have been walking on two. I was supposed to be bipedal.

I felt bones resting beneath skin. I was supposed to be a vertebrate.

The soil I travelled through had walls, windows, doors and a floor. I was supposed to live in a house.

I was supposed to be human.

I was supposed to be with Dana.

‘Look!’ I approached the other two ants, with one of them approaching me. ‘I saw you transform like we did! Thank goodness you managed to turn back!’

‘I want to talk to you about that,’ I said, raising a foreleg that was supposed to have fingers. ‘My name is Betty. I want to know if you want to be human again.’

The ant behind backed away as the ant in front remained. ‘No, of course not.’

‘Could you describe it for me?’

‘I don’t want to…’ The ant shook her head. ‘Did you actually like it? Did you actually like having your exoskeleton forced into you like that?’

I felt my exoskeleton. I felt my internal skeleton.

My internal skeleton and all the caterpillars were still there, compressed in my smaller body, pounding against my exoskeleton, begging for me to enlarge again.

‘It felt like there were caterpillars inside you, didn’t it?’ I asked.

The ant looked at the other ant behind her, and then back at me. ‘That’s probably the best way of putting it, actually. It felt like something was going to tear out of me. It was…it was probably like if you survived being eaten by a bird.’

‘It’s frightening at first,’ I explained, ‘but there’s so much good about being human.’ I turned to Dana watching me from outside with her device, her eyes as large as I was now. I still felt her lips press against mine. ‘I met this other human, you see. She…when I was with her and when she held me, all the pain and agony I felt faded.’

‘Did it?’

‘You’ve probably had humans almost flatten you or put that large glass in your direction. I have, but all that, everything I’ve been through, it went away when I was with Dana. You saw her kiss me, didn’t you?’

‘Was that when she shoved that big rock in front of your face?’

‘No,’ I snapped, right as the moment we embraced entered my head, ‘It felt like…it felt like when you find some sugar, and the relief after managing to protect the nest, and the relief from having just escaped a bird…it was every good feeling you’ve ever felt but all at the same time!’

‘I still don’t want to go through that again,’ said the ant in front before gesturing at the one behind her who seemed to shrink, ‘and neither does she. I don’t think what you described is worth feeling like the world is closing in on you.’

‘I felt that way too,’ I said, finding myself on two legs again, ‘but the more time I spent in that body, the more right it felt. You see, I looked around Dana’s house and so many things reminded me of what had threatened my life in the past, but the more time I spent with Dana, the more I saw them the way she saw them.’

I imagined the two ants before me as the humans they transformed into; though I had never seen their human forms, I pictured them looking as I did when I transformed. I imagined us sitting at a table, drinking coffee.

‘You won’t have to scurry around looking for food anymore!’ I continued, ‘You won’t have to worry about being stepped on or birds or mantises eating you or butterflies invading your nest!’

‘Humans hurt each other as well, I’ve heard,’ the ant in front replied, ‘and if we’re bigger, we’ll need more food, won’t we?’

I looked at Dana again, and then at the scientist, a large grin lighting their face.

‘There’ll be more tastes!’ I continued, ‘More things around to eat!’

‘Please…Betty…’ sighed the ant in front, ‘We’re happy the way we are. I’m glad you were happy with what you became, but I think if it happened to us, we’ll just be begging to be ants again like we were when it happened the first time.’

‘If you say so,’ I said, ‘if you really want to stay ants, just stand where you are for the time being, so the humans out there know not to transform you. When you’re released,’ I continued, again standing on my hind legs as if they needed reminding of my time as a human, ‘tell the other ants about this. Tell them where to find me.’

I received no response.

I walked away from them, leaving them alone.

‘Okay,’ said Dana, speaking into her device, ‘she’s spoken to the ants, asked them if they wanted to be human, and they seem to have refused. I suppose it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, really. We are going to release these two ants and hopefully, they’ll help spread the word to other ants so we can find another “Betty” to transform.’

She pulled the device away from her face and turned to the scientist. ‘Are you going to make her human again now?’ the scientist asked.

‘I…I’m not sure,’ Dana said, ‘I mean, even you don’t fully know how your own formula works. I think Betty needs to speak to more than just two ants for the news to properly spread, but I don’t think we can just have her go back and forth from ant to human constantly.’ She turned to me again. ‘Betty. I’m sorry. It’s just…well, I could tell you were having a bit of trouble adjusting to being human the first time, and now it seems you’re attempting to adjust to being an ant again.’

She held the puddle in front of me, showing me talk to the other ants, pointing out the anthropomorphic gestures I made while doing so.

‘I don’t know how constantly switching between the two will affect you, and I don’t really want to find out. I think we need you to talk to more ants. Once we’re sure that what we’re doing is properly well-known amongst them, and…and ants come to us…I love you, Betty.’

Though I inwardly begged her to feed me the formula and return the fingers, hair, toes and height the caterpillars within me had been hungering for, I knew such a thing was selfish of me. I nodded in agreement.

Dana and the scientist brought many ants my way. I explained to them the gift, the hands that I could hold Dana's with, the hair Dana ran her fingers through.

I explained how everything warped in front of me, the caterpillars that writhed beneath my skin, the throbbing internal skeleton.

While conducting these lectures, I was placed by two wooden structures, which I was told were a Y and a N. If the ant I spoke to wanted to be human, I would crawl to the Y. If not, I would crawl to the N.

It was the latter I crawled to every time.

The first time I saw true interest in the transformation was not from an ant, but a wasp that had managed to fly into the laboratory. When she landed on the table where I sat, she explained she had heard about the formula from overhearing ants' conversations; at least I knew my word was spreading.

'Do you think it could work on me?' she asked me, her wings twitching, 'Then...then I wouldn't be useless. I wouldn't be just some insignificant pest good for nothing but stinging.'

It wasn't humanity she wanted, I thought, it was respect. If she took the formula, she would see the world before her distort, she would feel caterpillars infest her body, she would suffer when there was no need.

Dana and the scientist had noticed me talking to her, and Dana had even started a video of it.

‘Of course!’ Dana cried, ‘Ants are related to wasps…’ She turned to the scientist briefly. ‘Don’t tell me you seriously didn’t know that. The formula could work on them too!’

I was about to explain what I felt upon first becoming human, but then I imagined her transforming like I had, and her finding a Dana of her own. I imagined her with hands she could hold someone else's with, I imagined her bipedal so she could run together with someone.

Before I explained all the good and bad I had experienced as a human, I made sure to also note all the good about wasps. I made sure to point out that her wasps pollinated and reminded her that she stung because she was threatened. ‘You believe that you sting just to be malicious,’ I said, ‘because that’s what others said.’

I looked at Dana again, and noticed she was smiling.

If the wasp became human, I found myself thinking, she could help other humans realise the good about other wasps. In fact, I didn’t just think it, I told it to her.

‘That little portable puddle, that little rock Dana’s holding,’ I said, gesturing to her device, ‘she’s making sure our conversation can be shown to others. If you become human, she’ll show it to others and they’ll know you’re a wasp turned into a human. Then you can tell them your side, you can tell them how they made you feel so they’ll learn to respect your sisters and your mother and other wasps.’

The wasp flew closer to me. ‘Yes, then I want it!’

I crawled over to the Y. Dana took out the formula, resting her device near us.

‘Okay, we have a volunteer. It’s not an ant, but a wasp, but I think it’s useful to see if this formula works on other insects.’

‘This is it,’ I said to the wasp, ‘Ready yourself.’

Dana held what looked like a flower with a long stalk, which splattered a few drops of the formula over the wasp.

She grew.

Her body enlarged with her thin waist inflating to match, with Dana placing her off the table and onto the floor just as her wings folded into her back. I crawled to the edge of the table, watching what Dana was making sure would be seen again with her device. The wasp’s antennae seemed to curl into her head, and while her middle pair of legs shrivelled away, the other four thickened, becoming those large thick earthworms sprouting maggots. What looked like pale honey seemed to erupt from her thorax, eclipsing the yellow and black colouring on her body. Her abdomen and that stinger that had made her a pariah deflated. As she grew lips like those I used to have, her mandibles sunk into that upper lip, heralding the unfolding of her new ears, the emergence of her new nose, and the sprouting of her new hair.

Just looking at it reminded me of my first transformation into a human and despite how painful it was, how my whole body hungered for it again.

When the former wasp looked at her trembling fingers, I too felt my own fingers again.

When she stood up, the room I was in seemed to shrink.

When she stroked her arms, I felt my and Dana’s skin.

Dana pulled out something that resembled a picnic blanket and wrapped it around the wasp-turned-human before pulling out what she used to make videos. ‘So, there you go,’ Dana said, ‘it works on wasps.’

No more will she have to worry about hands swatting her away, I thought. No more will she have to think about how little time she has to live.

‘Okay,’ Dana said to the woman beside her, ‘okay…can you speak?’

She looked down at her body again, lifting her hand up to her face. ‘I…you…’

‘Yes?’

‘Thank you,’ she said before stumbling, with Dana catching her before she hit the floor. I wasn’t sure if it was because of how small the room had become for her, if she was trying to fly without wings or both.

‘Would you…would you like a name? I called that ant Betty, would you like to be called something?’

‘Yes.’

‘Um…how about Joan?’

‘Yes.’

‘There you go, this is Joan, ex-wasp.’ Dana pulled the phone away and turned to the scientist. ‘Okay, get Joan some clothes; I’ll see if I can help her adjust.’ As the scientist walked towards where they kept “trophies” of their victims, Dana placed both hands on the wasp’s shoulders, and for a minute, it was like I was human once more and I was looking into her eyes and she was doing the same to me.

‘It’s…strange.’

‘It will be at first,’ Dana explained, ‘but we’ll help you adjust. I’ll teach you about being human and so will others.’

‘Thank you.’

‘If you are able to,’ Dana asked, ‘could you please answer something? Did you hear about us from ants?’

‘Yes.’

‘Yes!’ cried Dana as the scientist returned with some clothing for Joan. ‘Did you hear that? It’s spreading! Betty can be human again!’

The caterpillars within me cheered, pounding against my exoskeleton as I looked up at Dana, holding that flower over me. I closed my eyes as I imagined my humanity returning, again having hands to hold Dana’s with, having lips to press against her own.

I sat for several minutes but nothing happened.

‘No…’ Dana gasped, splattering another drop on me. ‘No, what’s going on?’

I opened my eyes to see I still had antennae and pincers, and that Dana, the scientist and a clothed Joan towered over me. Though my body throbbed and it felt like fingers were pressing against my front feet, I wasn’t transforming.

‘What’s happening?’ cried Dana.

‘I don’t know,’ the scientist replied.

‘Oh, of course, you don’t,’ snarled Dana, ‘of course you don’t.’

‘It might have been that she was in that form too long…’

‘Well, I spent an entire day as an ant and I…’

‘But Betty…’

‘Betty is human!’

Dana collapsed on the table right beside me, her head hidden by her arms as she sobbed loudly. I crawled up her arm, the arm I could still feel.

‘Dana,’ I heard the scientist say, ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Sorry isn’t going to bring back those people you fucking killed!’ screamed Dana, raising her head as I scurried back to the table, ‘Sorry isn’t going to make Betty…’ Dana took a deep breath. ‘It had to be a mad scientist I had to meet, not some fucking wizard. Why can’t I just…’ She breathed in again. ‘Why can’t I just cry on Betty and there’s all these sparkles and she turns back? Why does…’

‘She…’ Joan spoke up, ‘…I would like to speak to her again.’

‘So do I,’ Dana sobbed.

‘She said…she said I could…I could…’

‘You could help others see how wonderful wasps are.’

Joan nodded, and she and Dana hugged tightly.

More and more ants were sent my way, and some of them agreed to the transformation. I’m glad that you agreed as well, so after you transform, you can share this story with others. Other ants who have agreed to this, I have been using to talk to Dana; please tell her again that I love her.

Please tell her again that not a day goes by when I don’t remember the brief time we spent together. Please tell her again that I’ll always remember the kiss we shared before I became an ant again.

She has tried to find a way to make me human again, but I told her through the last ant who accepted to focus on others like you.

I hope that you find someone like her. I hope that you feel what I’ve felt and feel it always.

I am still a human, but I am still an ant as well. I know that Dana will help us live a better and more peaceful life, one with less fear. I know that Joan and the others who have taken the formula will help educate other humans about insects. Pesticides could be a thing of the past. Humans will give us sugar like they give birds seed.

I thought I would live a longer life, but death seems to be crawling towards me, I feel. At least I won’t be outliving my sisters. At least I’ll have done something.

All ants are good for is ruining picnics. All wasps are good for is being pests. You and I and Joan and Dana are going to reverse this mindset, and from what Dana’s told me, it’s working already.

I am going to crawl over to this Y and when I do, Laura, you will change from an ant to a human being. You will feel like caterpillars and maggots will be trying to burst from your body, but embrace them. Welcome them. The world will look like its warping before your eyes, but let it. That’s what we’re trying to do: warp the world.

Look at humans and see ants. Look at ants and see humans.

Become human, Laura. Make sure my story is shared, make sure your story is shared and step forth into the world of ants.

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notoriousdks · 10 months ago

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Took the plunge and wrote my first, little fan-fiction. No beta-reader, so be gentle! Any & all feedback is welcome and appreciated!

It’s Remotely Plausible I Could Show You (AO3)

Scully heard a knock at her door. She peered out of the peephole to see Mulder patiently waiting with a slightly anxious look on his face. Her heart sank as she thought oh god, he wants to talk…he wants to let me down easy… After they slept together, she quietly fled Mulder’s apartment before he woke to give herself much needed alone time to process her feelings. Feelings of deep love and adoration that she harbored for this man, but had no expectation of ever being reciprocated. Feelings of inadequacy and self doubt — she found herself coming back to the same train of thought: this was just sex, there’s no way he feels anything more… there’s no way he feels the same way about me as I do about him. Apparently a few hours was all the time she would get before she had to face the cold, hard reality of the talk she would much sooner ignore. Taking a deep breath to calm her nerves, she slowly opened the door with a soft smile. All she could bring herself to say upon seeing Mulder in her doorway was, “Hi.” Uhhhggg, Dana. You moron. Hi!?! That’s your opener?! What are you, a doofy teenager?! she immediately chastised herself.

“Hey, Scully,” Mulder stated. He noticed a slight expression of annoyance on Scully’s face. Suddenly swept across Mulder’s face. He quickly said, “Sorry, I should have called first. I should just go,” motioning down the hall.

“No!” Scully responded more eagerly than she intended. She took another calming breath and paused her internal self-flagellation, replacing her annoyed expression with a slightly nervous smile, “No, it’s okay. Come on in,” stepping aside and holding the door open wider to allow Mulder to pass through.

With a quick and seemingly nervous movement, Mulder stepped into Scully’s apartment. “Scully, I…” Mulder stammered.

“It’s okay, Mulder,” Scully cut him off and felt all of her feelings of inadequacy erupt out before she could catch herself, “I know why you’re here and I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have instigated. I hope my lapse in judgement last night won’t jeopardize our working relationship or our friendship.”

“Scully..” Mulder attempted to interject.

“I mean, it’s not that it didn’t mean anything to me. It did…actually mean something…to me,” Scully trailed off briefly, regretting her words but knowing there was no going back from this, “…but I don’t want you to feel like you have to reciprocate because I couldn’t keep my composure. I know I’m not exactly your type and…”

Before Scully could continue, she found Mulder in her personal space, deeply kissing her and gently rubbing her cheeks with his thumbs. Scully felt herself melt, humming softly in approval. With his hands still cupping her cheeks, Mulder broke the kiss and looked deeply into her eyes for a moment. He softly confessed, “Dana, I love you. I have loved you since you walked through my office door seven years ago. I will love you long after you’ve grown tired of me. I will love you until the bitter end.”

Scully wrapped her arms around Mulder’s neck and kissed him with everything she had. His arms snaked around her waist, pulling her closer than either thought possible. As Scully poured her heart into the kiss, she felt the rest of her body aching for more. When she finally needed to come up for air, she felt her mischievous side kick into high gear. Scully backed away from Mulder, slowly inching towards the bedroom with a sly grin “Mulder, you can be down right infuriating sometimes, but I don’t think I’m ever going to get tired of you… because I love you, too… more than I can even begin to explain”. Scully slinked closer to her bedroom door, “But I think, it’s remotely plausible, that I could show you just how much I love you” she flirted. Mulder closed the gap between them, his dark eyes fixed on Scully as though he could pounce on her at any moment. His hand grazed his familiar spot on her lower back, ushering her into the bedroom. The door snicked closed behind them.

#the x files #x files #msr #mulder x scully #mulder and scully #dana scully #fox mulder #xf fanfic #xfiles fanfic

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hillbillyoracle · 2 years ago

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Fuck Goals, Fuck Vision Boards

Task Management for Planning Averse

AKA Even People with Zero Direction in Life Deserve Nice Things

So if you don’t already follow Dana K. White on YouTube, you should. She’s the author of the blog A Slob Comes Clean and several books. What I’m going to talk about below is heavily inspired by her work which is why I wanted to cite her upfront but also seriously go check her videos out if you’re trying to declutter and get organized.

Right now I’m mostly using her videos and it’s genuinely the only decluttering method that has ever worked for me. And one of the reasons it works for me where others haven’t is that it is a system that doesn’t rely on feelings or valuation.

I realized that as I’ve gotten better at task management in my life - though lord knows the move has made that more complicated - I realized that not using feelings or judgement based questions is what really helped me. I also realized that I had 100% completely given up on goals. I had neglected to set goals for a couple years now and weirdly I got more productive, not less. What gives?

Step 0: Give Up on Goals and the Fantasy Self

What I realized is that goals were really just a product of what a lot of decluttering folks call my “fantasy self”. My fantasy self woke up at 5am and did little work out videos but trying to leap to become that fantasy self fucking sucked. It was not enjoyable once the novelty wore off and it largely didn’t present enough benefit to justify doing it.

Which meant I would stop and then I would feel bad about myself and I’d pick up bad habits to cope with the feeling and then I was worse off than before.

So when I stopped setting goals, I stopped declining at least because there wasn’t that rebound effect where I self soothed using way too much ice cream and binge watching whatever I could find. I hit a baseline that wasn’t amazing but the stability was helpful. Only when I gave up on the fantasy life did my actual life get better.

Capitalism loves the fantasy self. People spend so much money to try to become their fantasy self and often don’t even benefit that much from it. Then the guilt of seeing that stuff around can lead folks to by more stuff to cope with the guilt. The only people winning are the companies who you buy from.

Also, folks with executive dysfunction have a very hard time picturing what done looks like. So trying to picture your “ideal day” is low key a nightmare experience for someone like me. Mission Statements can be real intimidating when you’re not totally sure what those words will mean for the decisions you make. Vision boards...I’m sorry I know some folks love them but I really do not enjoy them. They’re a sensory overload of an experience to me from the crafting to taking them in. I’ve never made a vision board that really did much for me.

I’ve also recently learned about The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin and I am definitely a Rebel. So too much pressure internal or external and I will find the quickest exit possible. Rebels are a small but sizeable portion of folks according to the authors research. Which means there are likely other people out there who also find goals to be way too much fucking pressure.

This is all to say - fuck goals. But you’ve still got a life to live so how do you move the needle in the positive direction?

Step 1: Initial Brain Dump

People would always tell me to brain dump but never really explained how. They were like “Yeah just get all this stuff in your head out on paper” and I’m like...I don’t even know what’s in my head unless I go looking for it.

So I offer you two questions and two methods of gathering answers.

When trying to brain dump, ask yourself:

What do I spend a lot of time thinking about?

What are the specific tasks associated with these subjects?

If you can’t think of next specific tasks associated with those subjects, it does necessarily mean you need to strike it off you list, it’ll just be a little tougher to know where it fits.

Sometimes I’m able to sit down and answer these questions all in one go. And sometimes it’s much easier to keep a running list in my phone and when I realize I’ve been thinking a lot about something I add it to the list. Then later I can sit down and come up with specific tasks or process it in step 2.

Step 2: Task Punnett

In step 2 I look at my list and ask myself two questions:

Do I already spend time doing this?

Will I face a negative result if I don’t do this?

This gives four categories a list item can be sorted into.

Yes/Yes

The goal here is to prevent burnout so you don’t stop spending time doing these. Common ones are cooking, cleaning, or seeing friends. So it’s important to look at each of these and make sure they’re as easy and enjoyable as possible.

It also helps to know what your minimum is for each so that if you’re burning out you can scale back to your minimum effective dose is that allows you to avoid the material harm but give you a break - like getting take out or having freezer meals on hand, knowing what the most important cleaning tasks are and only doing those, and at least sending texts or voice memos to friends to connect.

Yes/No

The goal here is to protect this time as much as possible. It’s what tends to go when Yes/Yes and No/Yes tasks start to get out of hand. That will look different for different people but it almost always involves capping Yes/Yes and No/Yes time and not allowing yourself to go over. As you might have guess most hobbies go here.

Some people will need other people to help encourage them to keep doing it. Some people will need flexibility so it feels like they’re truly choosing it. Some people will need to refresh their memory that these kinds of activities are just as necessary as other types of tasks.

Guilt and shame is a big one that keeps people from having many things going in this box but it can also be a lack of self knowledge too. We’re not exactly encouraged to explore what we truly deeply love. Mental illness can also make this box tricky as anhedonia can make everything feel bleh.

In all of these cases, I really suggest making some sort of reflective practice something you try to keep in this box so you can notice what triggers guilt, what sparks joy, and what just isn’t working after a while. Doesn’t have to be journaling in the traditional sense. I used to turn on my computer cam and just talk but now that I need more audio privacy, this has been really helping me.

No/Yes

I fucking hate this box in all honesty. It’s the one that drains me and makes me feel like shit to look at this list but also I feel the most badass when I actually complete something off of it.

The goal with this box is to figure out what’s blocking you from this being a Yes/Yes. Basically finish the sentence “I don’t really want to do this because...” and you’re on your way. Most barriers can be dealt with. I used to not believe this but I promise it’s true.

This is where having a therapist, good friend, or community where you can bounce ideas off of can really make all the difference. A reflection practice can also really help get a different perspective too. Sometimes the barriers loom so large in our mind that adaptation seems ridiculous or impossible. Take advantage of different perspectives.

Automation, delegation, and congregation (body double or a group) are incredibly useful tools here. Don’t do more here than you need to.

What’s key in the second question for this section is that this is something you have the power to impact the outcome of. If you don’t have the power to change the outcome or you’ve done all you can, then the task is bracing, mitigating, and accepting, not dealing with the topic/task head on.

No/No

There are 2 main things I find in this category - shit I agreed to because I felt obligated and someday maybe projects. For shit I agreed to, the only remedy is to just get out of it, to bail in the most graceful way possible. I also try to prevent stuff from winding up here to begin with (no more event planning for me for a while).

For someday maybe projects, I like to keep a space - usually Notion - where I can collect my thoughts on it, projects, and pain a picture of what it would take to make it a Yes/No task someday in the future - always keeping in mind what I could do with the materials and time I have available right now. I’ve picked a quite a few of my No/No tasks this way and made them things I do regularly because I left myself those breadcrumbs for later.

Step 3: Prioritizing without Feelings

So now you have your tasks organized into these buckets and know what to keep in mind with each. So...what do you do with them?

A lot of people will tell you to prioritize and do the hardest first while your willpower is strong but I say fuck that my willpower is never strong so we’re going to do easiest first to build up some confidence.

No/No - For obligations that no longer serve me, I bail. For someday maybe projects, I write up some quick notes in my little system in Notion.

Yes/No - gather and prep materials, block out time, ask someone to do it with you or find a group if needed

Yes/Yes - gather and prep materials, if burning out, switch to minimum viable

No/Yes - figure out the barriers, automate, delegate, congregate, list next steps

Stuck Tasks - Too much to go into here but this video is helpful.

Sometimes I bounce around a bit - dealing with a Yes/Yes task will suddenly give me the guts to deal with a stuck task, getting out of a No/No obligation will make a No/Yes task look easier. So I don’t limit myself to this. But when I’m having trouble I go back to the list and just trust.

If I have avoided doing a No/Yes task for anywhere from several days to several weeks - it’s official a stuck task and I bounce it there while I work through other No/Yes tasks to deal with later.

Sometimes time pressures will dictate that things need to be handled before others - that’s fine. But usually a crunch will either show you that you will not in fact face a negative consequence after all or give you a motivation boost to carry you through some of the difficult tasks.

Step 4: Doing it again

So when do you do it again?

I do my brain dumps on Sundays and sort them into area of life lists so I can work on them by theme or focus but honestly whenever. When I was really in the throws of some bad mood shit I’d only do it every few weeks or so. Any amount of doing this generally had lead to a better life though.

What about stuff I’m not thinking a lot about?

That usually means either you’ve got such a good system for it that it’s running on autopilot so why mess with success, the possible reward is not appealing enough, or the possible consequences don’t freak you out enough.

This isn’t really a system I use for creating like...a good life by a neurotypical standard. It’s what I use to manage the stress, concern, and daydreams I’m having right now, to get things off of my plate and grow my confidence.

So will this mean everything gets managed? No. But it does mean the stuff most likely to keep you up at night does. Which is a huge fucking boon.

Conclusion

There’s some more intricacies in this too like moving No/No projects to Yes/No and No/Yes projects to Yes/Yes - it’s not the same strategies in my experience - but this is already running long.

Hope this helps someone else out too!

#studyblr #adhd #autism #planning #fuck goals

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atths--twice · 2 years ago

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Saw this picture on Twitter the other day and immediately began to imagine a college AU. Hope you enjoy this little story. ❤️

Just Tea and a Walk

A knock sounded at the office door just as the knob turned and the door opened.

“Excuse me, Professor Harding?�� A woman’s voice said and Fox Mulder’s mouth went dry as his heart began to race. “Oh… hello.” The woman smiled at him and he exhaled a breath through his nose, swallowing hard.

“He’s not here,” he said, clearing his dry throat. “I… uh… he had to leave for the day.”

“Oh,” she said, stepping into the office with a sigh. “I thought he would be here.”

“His wife… there was a thing that came up. Could I help with something?” he asked as he took off his glasses, set them on the desk, and looked at her.

“Oh, I don’t know. I’m in his Tuesday/Thursday morning class. My name is Dana Scully.”

“Yeah, I know,” he blurted out and she raised her eyebrows as his cheeks burned and he shook his head. “I just meant, I know who you are. Being the teaching assistant for the class and all.”

“Right.” She smiled with a nod and then licked her lips. “Maybe it’s better if it’s you than him, that I speak to. I don’t think he likes me much.”

“Why do you say that?” he asked with a frown.

“He rarely calls on me. I… my papers are good, I know they are, but he never gives me more than a B. I work hard on the assignments, I really do. I wanted to talk to him about my grades and what he’s looking for, if what I’m doing isn’t right.”

“Oh. Yeah, I uh…” he said, feeling awkward and uncomfortable.

“You’ve seen it, right?”

“I…” He scratched his cheek and let out a deep breath, knowing it was not his place to say anything, but wanting to explain to her why the professor was harder on her.

“What?”

“You’re brilliant,” he said quickly and perhaps too loudly, judging by the way she took a step back from him. “Sorry. I… he and I have discussed you-”

“You’ve discussed me?” she asked, taking another step back and glancing at the door.

“Not… please… wait. I’m not… shit,” he muttered and scrubbed a hand across his mouth. “My social skills could be better.”

“Hmm,” she hummed and he smiled slightly as he looked at her.

“You’re incredibly brilliant. Professor Harding saw that right away,” he said and she frowned, no doubt not believing him. “He did. First day of class, when you all walked out, he said as much. Not that I hadn’t noticed, but he affirmed it.”

“Okay,” she said, stepping one step closer. “I… thank you? I don’t see how that correlates to him not calling on me much or grading me harder than the other students.”

“Hmm,” he agreed with a nod. “I told him the same.”

“And? He obviously didn’t listen,” she said, her tone hard.

“He did, in his own way. You have to know him. I… it’s really not my place, but…” He shook his head and let out a breath. “He had a daughter who died when she was only twenty. She had been sick for a couple of years and they thought she would make it, but…”

“Oh, I didn’t know,” Dana said softly and he nodded.

“She was a spitfire- his words- but in the best way possible and he loved her immensely. He said they had spirited conversations from nearly the time she was able to speak, always debating everything: bedtimes, foods to be eaten, subjects in school, everything.”

“And… I don’t understand. What does that have to do with me?”

“You remind him of her,” he said quietly with a soft smile. “He told me you did after the class when you debated with him about public transportation.”

“I was convinced he hated me after that class,” she whispered.

“No,” Fox said with a grin. “He couldn’t stop smiling and said you had to have been brought to him by Chrissy, his daughter. He said she had to have known he needed someone to keep him on his toes.”

“But… I’ve been thinking all this time that he didn’t like me.”

“No. You’re his favorite,” Fox said, remembering of all the conversations he’d had with the professor.

“Oh,” Dana said, letting out a breath and looking down.

“Yeah.”

She sniffled and he handed her a tissue from the box on the desk. She took it, wiped her eyes and blew her nose, putting the tissue into her pocket.

“I came in here, intent on giving him a piece of my mind. I was going to call him a sexist old man.”

At that, Fox laughed and she raised her head, her eyelashes dark with tears.

“He can be a lot of things, but being sexist isn’t one of them. He grades you harder because he sees your potential. And if you gave you an A on every assignment, people would most likely accuse him of favoritism.”

“But apparently I am his favorite,” she stated with a shake of her head and he grinned.

“You are indeed. And to him, that means he needs to push you more so you advance and achieve your full potential.”

“Now I feel weird,” she said, making a face. “Like I don’t know what to do with this information or this kinetic energy I’m feeling. I feel like I need to move around or something.”

“Have dinner with me,” he said, surprising himself.

“What?” she asked, equally surprised and he shook his head.

“Or a coffee?”

“You want to add caffeine to this mass amount of energy I’m feeling?” she asked, gesturing to her body and he laughed.

“Maybe an herbal tea?”

“That sounds nice,” she said, biting her bottom lip. “Maybe a walk around campus? I need to move, man.” He laughed again as she shook her arms to show him she was serious.

“Okay. A walk and some tea,” he nodded and she let out a deep breath. “I’ll get my coat and we can go.”

He took it from the coat rack and put it on, smiling at her as she continued to shake her hands and let out a hmph occasionally under her breath.

“Ready?” he asked, putting on his glasses and picking up his keys. He opened the office door and looked at her.

“Yeah,” she said, glancing at him and smiling. “Oh. This is okay that we’re doing this, right? Me being a student and all?”

“It’s just tea and a walk around the campus. We’re discussing the class and your papers. That’s acceptable.” He smiled and she smiled back with a nod.

“Just tea and a walk,” she repeated and he hummed as he closed the door and locked it behind them.

“And that’s how it started,” Professor Harding said six years later, grinning as he raised his champagne glass, amid laughter and cheers from the others in the wedding reception hall. “A walk around the campus turned to sharing a meal on a bench a week later and then another stroll around campus. Three weeks later, Fox came to me to say he could no longer be my assistant as he had fallen head over heels in love with Dana and he wanted no repercussions for her or himself. I had known it was coming, of course, being a brilliant man, and I was beyond pleased. And so today, we celebrate how “just tea and a walk” led to this moment. Everyone! Please, raise your glasses to Fox and Dana. Congratulations to you both.”

Everyone echoed his words and Dana laughed as Fox tapped his glass to hers before kissing her softly on the lips.

“Just tea and a walk,” he murmured, kissing her again.

“Mmhmm,” she hummed, smiling as she gently stroked his face.

#xf fanfic #the x files #msr #happy #fanfic #fluff #alternate universe #college au #tea #new friends #new beginnings #getting to know each other

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shocotate · 2 years ago

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Live Action Movie 2 Ramble

Here’s stuff I wrote while watching the second live action movie. My more articulate ramble about the first movie is here (back in 2018, I have not watched it again before watching these two), and my ramble about movie 3 is here.

WB's new logo is disgusting, but at least it’ll help people remember that Netflix didn’t make this.

Golio is here, I guess it might as well use something from Scar's reintroduction to speed things along. In the anime he was killed way earlier back in episode 15, when in the manga he was killed while Ed was away in Resembool

The water titles were an interesting choice

Ling has devoured the apple pie. I guess it makes more sense him going to Central on a train than somehow ending up dead in Rush valley. Boy better be careful though or else he’ll be getting arrested for no passport even sooner.

These god damn subs. Shin = Xing, add that G there. Rin = NO G HERE CERTAINLY NOT. Lin Yao strikes again.

Ed about to bring the northern chokeout on Lan Fan but then she blew up the train so.

Glad Envy got his topup

Well that's something

This shit with Roy and Bald doesn’t matter when he’s already wasted two homunculi last movie. At least with Lust dead already Havoc’s lighter is safe.

May Chang gets her G in the subs, but Shao May’s CGI is scaring me.

Alex’s hair is too funny my god

No Scar don’t go underground, unlike East City there’s actually stuff down there in Central

Boroboro dana oretachi OH HE SAID IT sorry I’m losing my mind from hearing that every time the mobile game starts – DEMO IKKITERU, AA, IKKITERU, start singing Nana Mizuki he said it.

Despite being Ed and Al’s escort in place of Ross, Falman couldn’t make it to the group shot. Hope he’s ok.

He’s in the next scene he’s ok.

Damn they’ve moved Ishval down the map, time for Resembool to be the real crest of blood spot here

Marcoh’s dead so there will be no diversions on the way to Resembool, right?

Three faction sewer fight lets go

As far as Wrath saying he saw Edward to his family, I think going on the rollercoaster train is pretty impressive, but I guess seeing Edward on a place he was already going works too.

They finally let Hoho say that Ed is the smallest state alchemist in history.

I was expecting a impressive one handed hair braiding but hair down Ed is fine.

I haven’t seen Alphonse in a while, did he get left at Central

At least they got Xerxes right, must have watched 300 before this…

Ed’s leaving the country alone, mad lad. No Alex and Breda kidnap for him.

*forgets to write anything for a while*

Edward doing the finger gun pose was kinda endearing

Only 40 offspring of the emperor? Has there been a culling or are some yet to be born, those later clans are screwed in the battle.

Edward asking the real questions of how can Ling become emperor if the plan is the make the emperor immortal. Finally. We know Ling does become emperor within only 2 years so maybe his coup plan happened

I can’t remember if Al could always do clappy alchemy in this because he’s older, or he just can now.

Collateral damage out of control, rip those dudes

I like how Ed blocked the hammer of the gun with his finger when trying to convince Winry to put down the gun, that’s actually clever of him to do.

I thought it was arm-doggo but it was actually envy-doggo. You’ve fooled me once, movie, it won’t happen again

Winry can’t leave yet, what about the tiny screw. Also there’s like 50 minutes left of this movie and I know where it ends, how are they gonna stretch this out.

Arm dog is here, and what a stray dog to have. Find that on the street and you’re winning.

I wonder where Fu is

I wonder where Shao May is.

Oh she’s here now.

Winry gets to use her hands of healing on Lan Fan, that’s kinda neat to give Knox, or whoever this is, some backup.

Headbandage Ed the best Ed of all is now here. I didn’t see him get the headwound but I guess it happened.

Wrath gets a solo flashback with Father (unless it’s not a flashback, explaining why Envy and Gluttony aren’t there). The anime took Father out of it, so this one of just Wrath and Father is the same as the psp game. The full manga version stays unadapted, until the mobile game does it, if it does.

Hughes is back, yay, also good to adapt scenes the anime didn’t in the flashback.

UM Riza said “Mustang-san” not Major Mustang. These subs I swear…

Shao May and May reunion, guess she has no reason to go underground now. Also shao may has no eyes, I don’t like that.

What about Gluttony, is he just gonna stew for days.

I’m liking Ed’s penchant for attempted murder with his very dangerous attacks, I hope he will continue, and make it happen where it counts. Gimme this one, plz.

Winry again, stop interrupting Scar and Ed fighting. Oh we’re doing the north thing – but I know Olivier is in the next one so—

Winry’s parents force ghosts what

We’ve got 15 minutes left get in Gluttony’s belly already. If I had my way we wouldn't even be going in there since Ed already knows Al’s body exists from the last movie, but we have that big envy model and damn it needs some use.

Ok gluttony is here now and he’s doing the sloth run. Oh no roy has a tiny cut on his outer leg

Scar protecc, Scar attacc, and most importantly, holds Gluttony bacc

Horse Envy is here now. I wish he’d have talked first though as a horse. Loves me some Mr Ed

Father will be big mad

Al held out his arm but his arm survives, interesting choice.

Fire in the belly dimension when gluttony swallowed no fire. oh no no no.

The punch doesn’t go as well without Ed asking about Ishval bro.

Noo Envy cgi is like all slimy, no nooo

To Be Continued...

#fma #fmanga #fullmetal alchemist #fma brotherhood #fullmetal alchemist brotherhood #fma live action #fma live action movie #These movies make no god damn sense if you haven’t already seen the whole story before lol

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adorethedistance · 4 years ago

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9 P.M. - Alive!Luke Patterson x Reader Modern Day!AU

JATP masterlist

Warnings: swearing, mentions of suicide, painful breakup, and angst.

Words: 1991

Summary: Luke breaking up with you made your world stop turning, and when it finally starts moving again after four long months, Luke is back in typical agitator fashion.

A/N: Not requested, and I wrote this in about two hours so bear that in mind. I’ve been toying with an angst idea for a little bit now, and because all of my requests rn are fluff, I decided why not give Luke a little love since it’s been a minute since my last Luke fic. This isn’t proofread so proceed with caution.

“What are you doing here, Luke?” Dana’s voice cuts clear over the mindless chatter in the busy diner. She tucks a stack of menus under her arm to brush a loose strand of sandy blonde hair out of her face.

“I’m here to talk to Y/n. She isn’t returning my calls and she only has her phone on silent when she’s working.”

A solid four months ago, Luke Patterson had broken Y/n Y/l/n’s heart into a couple billion pieces in this very diner. After Luke requested to meet up as soon as possible, Y/n told him she’d be clocking out for the night around 9 PM, and true to his previous request Luke had arrived at 9 on the dot. He considered taking her to his car for more privacy but in fear of forgetting his long, crafted speech, he opted for a secluded booth in the very back corner of her diner.

He still remembers the evening, clear as day. They sat down across from one another on the red vinyl seats with nervous tension exponentially rising between them. He remembers the way she ruffled her loose hair after having it pulled back for an 8-hour shift. He remembers the way she rested her right ankle on her left knee to massage away the calf pain from 8 hours of waiting tables. And he remembers the way her warm smile disappeared after he uttered the words “I think we should break up.”

Y/n was so shocked she couldn’t respond. Everything seemed to be going well between them. They had said their first ‘I love you’s and she had even opened up to the possibility of giving him her virginity. And here he was, a mere week later, claiming that he had fallen out of love with her over the span of a month.

Tears clouded her vision. She was quick to wipe them away before they fell, something Luke noticed that she only did when she was crying out of anger. With her normal sadness or even stress she just lets her emotions run their course. But the anger swelling inside of her at that moment, she so desperately wanted to hide. As a result, she brushed them away. She bit her tongue. She saved face, not wanting to let Luke know just how much he had hurt her.

Luke expected a full-on interrogation. He knew Y/n’s mind was one of insatiable curiosity and she had to have at least a million questions. However, if she did, she didn’t show it. The only question she asked, “Is this really what you want?” Her voice was steady, but Luke knew how badly she wanted to tear him apart, to ravage him right then and there. But after losing such a huge part of herself, Luke, she held onto her dignity so tight it nearly crumbled into dust and blew out of her clenched fingers. Without asking for any more information, she slipped out of the booth and hurried to her car as fast as her walk could take her.

At the time, Luke felt guilty for making her cry. Now he feels guilty for ever having let her believe she wasn’t good enough for him. The only problem is she wouldn’t give him the chance. And her best friend, Dana, didn’t seem like she would give him one either.

“Well, she’s not here. Have you ever considered she’s not returning your calls when she’s off of work, too?”

“Dana, I need to talk to her-”

“What could you possibly have left to say, Luke? Whatever you said to her that night broke her, it absolutely destroyed her. She hasn’t been the same since.” Luke had no trouble believing that was true, which is why it hurt so bad to hear, granted it didn’t hurt as bad as how Y/n felt that night.

“What? No- I-I really need to talk to her.”

“You really don’t.”

“I have to get her back, Dana!” A tornado of shock and anger consumes Dana to the point where all she can do is let out a bitter laugh. The look in Luke’s eyes indicates how hurt he is by her laughter, and Dana’s desire for vengeance has never been so strong. So, she continues to tell the truth. The ferocious, unabridged, hurtful truth,

“You don’t deserve a second chance. You don’t even deserve an attempt at a second chance. Knowing her, Y/n would never tell you this, but I will: you fucked up so bad, you made her almost make the biggest mistake of her life.”

“What?” Luke almost hesitates to ask, knowing he won’t like the answer.

“That night, she came to my place and cried so hard for three hours before she could even get a coherent word out. She stayed with me for three days and, had my shift not ended early that Tuesday, she wouldn’t be alive today.” The dumbstruck look on Luke’s face is only more motivation for Dana to twist the knife, “She almost didn’t survive losing you, Luke. And god forbid she gives you a second chance because she won’t survive losing you again.”

The diner is just crowded enough that no one is paying the two of them any mind as they faceoff by the hostess stand. Dana spent four long months consoling her best friend back to life, and she was not about to let Luke destroy all the hard work Y/n had put into healing.

“I can make this right.”

“How could you possibly make this right?”

“I know more now than I did before. I’ve changed!”

“So has she.” Dana’s biting words render Luke speechless. Once she realizes her work here is done, she continues setting up tables as they’re disinfected.

__________________________

Luke’s conversation with Dana in the diner left him shellshocked, but it also lit a fire under his ass that he needed to move forward. Rather than discouraging him, Dana’s words gave him a greater incentive to win her back: proof that he was willing to do what he said he would. At least, that’s what Luke told himself. Rather than stepping into the future with greater clarity, Luke went into the world with confidence so large and blinding, his actions may sabotage his true intentions.

That’s how he found himself so determined to win Y/n back. And that’s how he found himself face to face with the front door of her home. It’s 9 PM, just early enough to where she’d be home for the day, just early enough to where she wouldn’t be asleep, and hauntingly just the exact time he had broken her heart all those months ago. Before giving his conviction a chance to back out, he was raising a steady hand to ring the doorbell of her residence.

Y/n opened the door without much thought, expecting a food delivery; she was drastically off-put by Luke’s presence at her doorstep this late.

“Oh.” Was the only response manageable for the tired waitress.

“Hi. Can we talk?”

There it was. The phrase that was a paradoxical toss-up regarding her emotional state. Half of her has been waiting for this day for so long, dreaming of the boyfriend she once knew to come genuinely heartbroken and remorseful to win her back. The other half was terrified of this impending day as she realized she wasn’t nearly as emotionally strong enough to handle the situation as she thought.

‘Oh’ was the only response manageable for the tired waitress.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Please just give me five minutes and if you never want to hear from me for the rest of your life, I’ll never bother you again,” he rushes out, knowing his time is finite. For what short period of time he thought it over, Luke always imagined pouring his heart out on her front doorstep. That’s why her silent sidestep and opening of the door caught him so off guard. He hadn’t anticipated her to actually give him a decent chance. Why would she? He broke up with her in the very diner she works in full time and crushed her heart so completely, the only things left behind had to be contempt and resentment.

Luke crossed the threshold of her small, cramped LA home with his heart on his sleeve. Reluctantly closing the door behind him, Y/n walks to her living room and sits on the couch amidst a mess of popcorn, her favorite chocolates, used tissues, and a bottle of Advil. The night Luke broke up with Y/n was four months ago and she’s still spending her Friday nights alone crying on her couch with a rom-com on the tv. A sharp pang of guilt cuts through Luke’s chest like a machete and his previous confidence completely dissipates into sadness. Though, he can’t tell if it’s actually remorse or just general pity.

“What did you want to talk about?” Y/n asks as if she doesn’t know what conversation they’re about to have. Luke takes a deep breath to prepare himself as best as he can before explaining what’s been on his mind.

“I am so sorry, Y/n.” His hopes for any sort of reaction are crushed once her blank stare doesn’t waver. In spite of everything that’s happened thus far, this is the moment Luke realizes this would be a lot more difficult than he anticipated. “That night, you asked if taking a break from… us was what I really wanted.”

“I remember.”

“I said yes and you left right after that. I know you’ve blocked my socials, but you haven’t blocked my calls, you just don’t answer. I’m sure you’ve got to be interested in why, you’re a very curious person.”

Luke wasn’t wrong there, Y/n had been wondering why. She had been wondering why since the words left his mouth that night, but she repressed that curiosity. She repressed it because she knew that whatever the answer was, it didn’t make any difference. Luke wasn’t hers to have anymore and that was what really mattered.

“I did it because I thought I was falling out of love with you.”

“You thought?”

“I wasn’t actually falling out of love with you.”

“You weren’t?”

“No.”

“Then why’d you break it off?”

“I thought I was falling out of love with you but really my attraction was just changing. Instead of just spontaneous and passionate and exciting, I began to see our relationship as comforting and secure as well as those other things. I thought my comfortability was falling out of love, but really, I was falling in love. I was no longer just super infatuated with you, I was in love with you. Genuine love.”

“Luke…” Y/n trails off. She has no real idea of what it is she’s thinking so she opts to let Luke continue until she can figure it out.

“I love you, Y/n. And I broke things off because, before you, I didn’t understand love. Hell, with you I didn’t understand it was love, but now I do! I love you.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“So, what does this all mean?” Luke draws in a nervous breath, identical to the one he used to soothe his nerves as he stepped into the all-too-familiar house.

“I know I don’t deserve it because of what I put you through… but all I’m asking is for a chance to prove that I really do love you.” The looking shimmering across Y/n’s eyes tells Luke how her thoughts are running wild. She’s experiencing a new train of thought at a mile a minute and it terrifies both of them.

“You hurt me, Luke. And I want to hate you so much for everything that you put me through, but I don’t, and I hate myself for that. But, I’m sorry. I can’t give you a second chance.”

***

Taglist: @caitsymichelle13 @kaitlyn2907 @itz-jas @crybabyddl @kcd15 @kinda-really-lost @calamitykaty @morganayennefertyrell @n0wornever @dream-a-little-bigger-x @mrstodorooki @vicesvsvirturesfanfic @curlybrownhairedboys @amazinggracy @kaitieskidmore1 @asdfghjkl-fanfics @ghostlygreenbean @juliefromaustralia @merceret @jemimah-b99 @ifilwtmfc @thesweetestsinner @imsydneywalker @lovesanimals @thebloodthirstyvampress @bumbleberry-pie @losers-club6 @tefilovesreading @dmcfarland1@joynerxmercer @kexrtiz @talk-on-the-street @phantompogues @konciousdreamer @sunsetcurvej @warmnesss0ul

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rason-rodd · 4 years ago

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The Boy Who Didn’t Like Christmas - Jason Todd x Reader

Summary: You decide to surprise Jason with a Christmas tree but things don’t go as planed. Did he really just call you a friend?

Warning : Fluff, Humor, Slight Angst

Author’s note: A new Bat-Christmas one shot, this time with Jason (the last one will be with Dick). I tried to make Reader as general neutral as possible. Hope you’ll like it

“You’re clearly not from the Hill … or the Narrows.” You were pretty certain the rebuke would have hurt ten times more if Dana Harlowe had said everything she was keeping well hidden in her badass heart. But there was no need to say more. It was clear she didn’t hold you close to her heart. To her, you were the pain in the ass from Uptown Gotham, the one who certainly knew nothing about striving to get out of the dirt and who had certainly always get what she wanted by simply twitching her nose. In a nutshell, everything she was happy not to be. But you had one thing in common. Or at least, one person. Jason Todd. Dana had known him for over a decade. You had known him for a couple of months. But you as well as she had learned to deeply care about him, except that one of you had let things go way beyond friendship quite a couple of times. That one being you. “I was just suggesting bringing Jason a Christmas tree to decorate his apartment, Dana. That’s it.” You tried to defend yourself as you buried you hands in your pocket. “And how many times should I tell you that Jason hates Christmas?” You sighed as you both could barely keep your annoyance to yourself anymore. “No one really hates Christmas.” “So what you’re going to show up to his place with a goddamn tree, all dolled up, flutter your eyelashes and hope he won’t be mad at you?” You shrugged. “That’s an idea”

***

And Dana hadn’t been able to stop you. So, one Sunday afternoon you showed up to Jason’s place with a bag filled with brand new Christmas decorations and a heavy tree that had made you sweat streams to carry in the old staircases and, with a tired sigh, you rang at Jason’s door. He opened it without waiting or looking through the spyhole, apparently not thinking (or caring) about the possibility of a lunatic waiting on his doorstep with a deadly weapon. “You know I could have been a very angry elf with a gun. You should use that little peephole” “ Y/N” He looked astonished to see you here, especially with all that Christmas stuff “I…” “By the way, you should also write your co-ownership trustee and ask for an elevator. Yours stairs are a living hell.” You declared to make sure he wouldn’t have time to realise or protest against what you were planning to do. “Give me a hand, would you?” You asked as you tried to drag the tree by the crown inside the apartment, sprinkling the ancient wooden floor with pine needles. “Explain.” Jason demanded as he helped you carry the Christmas tree to the corner of his living room and erect it. “There! Perfect.” You clapped your hands, proud that the tree was still looking good despite the mistreatment you have given it and also because it was standing in Jason’s apartment, contradicting all of Dana’s sayings that “a Christmas tree will never cross Jason Todd’s doorstep”. “Suck it, Dana!” “Alright. You’re weird today. What’s with the tree?” Jason’s face seemed a bit twisted, as he didn’t know if he should smile or be worried. “Next week, it’s Christmas. You can’t celebrate Christmas without a Christmas tree.” He frowned, definitely looking for the right words in his beautiful yet tortured head of his to be sure he would not kill your excitement or hurt your feelings. “Y/N. I wasn’t planning on celebrating Christmas this year.” “I know. Dana told me about you being Scrooge Jr.” You joked, not caring at all, as you opened the plastic bag full of decorations to empty it on the couch. “That’s a bit overstating things.” Jason scratched his head. He had never heard anyone compare him to Dicken’s famous character. “I mean. Not liking Christmas doesn’t make me a miserly bitter old man.” “Were you planning on spending Christmas alone sitting on your couch with cold noodles, watching Netflix and calling Christmas humbug?” He waited before answering, trying to see how he could debunk you little argument. But there was no way. “Not Netflix. Cutthroat Kitchen.” “Oh my god. You’re Scrooge.” You sighed, exasperated before showing a beautiful transparent Christmas ball with little snowflakes inside. “Look how cute!” Your enthusiasm made him smile discreetly but not discreetly enough to go unnoticed. “I guess there’s no way I’m gonna stop you, right?” You shook your head. “You can still try but no. I’m going to give you some Christmas spirit, choke you with it if I must and I won’t leave this place until you love it. And mark my word, I will use string lights if needed” You threatened as you showed him the lights. “You would really tie me up to the tree? You know BDSM is not my thing.” “ No I would tie myself to the tree. Because as much as I know you can throw that tree away once I’m gone, I’m sure you won’t be able do so if I’m tied to it.” “And why so?” He smirked, curious to know your reason. “Cause you like me too much.” Was he really an open book? He never thought so but there was something with you, something weird and unusual that could make him act in strange ways. Perhaps was he getting soft. “And also, because you wouldn’t get my very special gift if you kick me out.” Jason squinted and you played with your eyebrows as you bit your lower lip so that he would get the naughty message. That eventually made him laugh and he tried to remember when was the last time he thought sexy could be funny. “Ah. The things I would do for you.” He kissed the top of your head softly, making your shiver and close your eyes and for a second you tried to resist the sudden urge to catch him by the neck and kiss him on the lips. Not that he would have minded, you thought. But there was a difference between occasional sex and displays of affection. “Let’s do this. Before you decide to make me sing Mariah Carey.” “Oh …” You pretended to think about the idea with a finger over your lips. “Don’t push it.”

And so you ended up decorating the Christmas together, laughing and chatting about some random stuff until you dared ask. “Why don’t you like Christmas?” Jason froze for a moment and you saw him close his eyes to take a deep breath. “Well it’s difficult to like Christmas when you’ve got a family like mine.” He finally declared as he hung a Christmas ball on a branch. “You mean Bruce …” You supposed though you were not sure of you should continue this conversation. “If only there was just Bruce.” You decided to be quiet when you noticed his sudden bitterness but he chose to keep talking. “I never had a proper Christmas as a kid. When mum wasn’t completely stoned on the bathroom floor, dad was in jail. And when we were finally together, well … Let’s say Christmas spirit wasn’t something the Todd family knew about.” “I’m sorry.” You said, wondering if you should hug him or at least caress his arm as a sign of comfort. “Don’t be. Plus, it’s not like I cared that much about Christmas as a kid anyway.” You could tell it was a lie, a huge bad lie only made to mask some deep-rooted wound, a lie Jason had learned by heart as if it was a mere line and had probably served to anyone around him for as long as he could remember. It wasn’t hard to guess. You just had to see how hurt he looked deep down in his beautiful tortured eyes. “I mean, there are other days to offer gifts.” “Sure.” You had a light smile and you focused again on the decoration of your tree. “But I appreciate what you’re doing, Y/N” “By what I’m doing, you mean … making you celebrate the event you hate the most without complaining?” You tried to joke. “That.” He chuckled. “And being a good friend.” A friend? Was friend really the right word? Well, maybe … in a way … or not. After all, what friends occasionally end up fucking when the sexual tension becomes too hard to handle? “I know you’re doing this because of your permanent worry about me. But you don’t need to worry. I’m fine.” “I’m sure you are.” You sighed and Jason caught your hands in his. “Hey. I’m a tough guy. I’ve got thunder thighs and sharp abs. You said it yourself”. You chuckled briefly, remembering the time when you told him this. Pretty sure you were naked and drunk by the way. “I know you’re tough Jason. Actually, you’re certainly the toughest person I know. But I’m not stupid. And I know there are things that you’re hiding from me.” He suddenly frowned and you felt his grip around your hands loosening, as if he was ready to run away from you. “And I’m not asking you to tell me what it is. I understand that you have your secrets. I do to. I just … I just want you to be honest with me, to tell me when you feel low, when you need me.” You added as you grabbed his arms to keep him close. “We’re … friends after all, aren’t we?” You hated that argument but you decided to use anyway, just to see his reaction. “Yeah. Yeah, sure.” Jason whispered after a second of heavy silence. “We’re friends.” Not the reaction you wanted. “Good.” You let go of him and went back to hanging Christmas balls but you both could feel the weird tension, the awkwardness and you couldn’t help but blame yourself for ruining that moment which had begun so well. You should have listened to Dana. “Maybe I should go.” You declared as you resigned yourself to get the hell out of here before making things worse between you two. “No!” Jason almost shouted. “No. We … Let’s finish the tree first okay? Please” You sighed. “Plus you mentioned a gift, right?” Normally that comment would have made you smirk but not today, not now. “That’s not a gift you give friends, Jason”

***

“You played the friends card? Not cool.” Jason suddenly remembered the little mental note he had left for himself the last time he had talked to Dick about his love life. ‘Never again.’ But Roy was gone and so were Artemis and Bizarro or any other friends he could have confessed to. “But we are friends.” He tried to justify himself. “I think.” Dick shook his head, slightly exasperated yet amused by his little brother. “You saying ‘I think’ makes me believe you don’t see Y/N as a friend.” “Why does it have to be so complicated?” Jason sighed as he tried to remember when was the last time he had seen you as merely a friend. “Because it’s love and nothing is ever simple when it comes to love. No need to be a relationship expert to know this.” Jason glanced at Dick who was smiling at him. “I hope you don’t consider yourself an expert considering the failure that is your love life and your on and off relationship with Babs.” Dick shrugged. Yes, apparently he was. Cocky boy wonder. “I’m expert enough to know you don’t call someone you have sex with a friend.” “Oh come on! Ever heard of friends with benefits?” Jason harrumphed, slightly annoyed by his predecessor’s judgemental attitude right now. “Jason please. You guys are not friends with benefits and you know why? Cause your relationship is not platonic at all. You like Y/N and Y/N likes you. But you are too unconfident or too scared to admit it so you end up having sex when you don’t know how to handle your feelings anymore. Now can we take care of that bunch of lousy criminals before they escape with the money?” As much as it hurt Jason to admit it, Dick was right. He liked you. He liked you a lot. Maybe he was in love with you even, he didn’t know. But what he really knew right now was that he had screwed up, bad, and that he wanted to fix things between you two.

***

You turned your key in the keyhole, exhausted by your long day at work and blaming the snow that had literally frozen your toes and fingers on your way back home. “Maybe I should ask for a ugly pair of Uggs for Christ…mas” You couldn’t move, your limbs as frozen as your fingers and toes or maybe worse. Eyes widened you looked around you and at the thousands colourful lights illuminating your entire apartment and the Christmas decorations scattered all over the furniture. “What the hell happened here?” “Do you like it?” You yelled and jumped and, out of pure reflex and fear, punched hard the person standing right behind you before you could realise it was actually Jason. “Oh my god, Jay.” He groaned and put a hand over his nose to calm the pain. “Damn. I think you broke it.” “Let me see.” You tried to remove his hand from his face to see how badly injured he was. “No! Don’t touch it. Don’t touch it.” He cried out as a sign of protest but eventually let you take him inside right to your couch where you left him an instant to go fetch some ice in the freezer. “What are you doing here that late?” You asked as you came back to sit by his side. “I wanted to surprise you. I guess it worked.” He hissed as you finally put the small bag of ice against his nose. “You did this?” You asked as you looked again around you. There were probably at least dozens of flickering string lights hanging from the ceiling above your head as well as fake snow all over the floor of the living room and miniature Christmas trees and other lovely decorations carefully placed on the furniture. “Yeah.” “How? When?” You couldn’t believe he had done this. “This afternoon while you were gone. I entered by the window. You know you should check if they’re close before leaving.” You smile when you understood the nod to what you had told him last you saw each other. “Why?” “ Well. Because it’s dangerous of course. I mean a lunatic could enter and turn your place into a Christmas shop. Oops too late.” “ No, I mean. Why did you do this?” You asked again, not really in the mood to laugh at his joke right now. “It’s Christmas, isn’t it? … And I like you” He said while looking at you right in the eye. “And not as a friend. Cause clearly we’re not friends and we’re not …” You dropped the bag of ice to catch Jason by the neck and kiss him passionately. How long have you waited for him to finally say it. “Ow. Ow. Easy.” Jason complained right against your lips when your nose pressed too hard against his. “Sorry.” You whispered with a smile. “Don’t smile at my pain. I’m really hurt.” “Aren’t you a tough guy?” You teased, using his own arguments against him. “Not when I’m with you.” He confessed and approached your face again, slowly and carefully, to kiss your soft lips with a delicacy that made you shiver. “There are so many things I want to tell you, Y/N.” “ Then say them.” You whispered still close to his face, feeling his hot breath against your skin. “It would ruin Christmas’ spirit.” “I thought you didn’t like Christmas.” “I lied.”

#Jason Todd #red hood #jason todd x reader #red hood x reader #dick grayson #nightwing #dana harlowe #bat-christmas #one shot #jason todd one shot

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lifeofkaze · 3 years ago

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October Writing Challenge 2021 - Day 2

The most adorable Saffron Summers belongs to my favourite person @the-al-chemist 💛💛💛

“Are you coming or not?” Danielle Parkin asked for what felt like the hundredth time.

She and her friend Saffron Summers were on their way down to the hut belonging to Rubeus Hagrid, Care of Magical Creatures professor and resident gamekeeper of Hogwarts. The big pumpkin patch next to his hut was full to the brim with pumpkins of all forms and sizes, and Dana had been excited for days to go and collect some for various, very autumnal purposes; she had even painted her nails a bright red orange to mark the beginning of her favourite season of all times.

But at the rate they were going, they would be lucky to reach Hagrid’s hut by Christmas.

Like so many times already, Saffron, who was walking her bunny Gavin on a plaited hemp leash, had stopped and fallen behind. She had kneeled down and was inspecting a pile of leaves, discussing something with her furry friend Dana couldn’t hear.

Usually, she patiently let Saffron be her unique self, but today, Dana was impatient to get down to the pumpkin patch.

“Come on, Saff, we don’t have all day,” she sighed as Saff skipped down the path toward her.

“Oh yes, we do,” Saffron answered dreamily. “The moon phase is perfect for picking pumpkins the whole day. You want to go to Hagrid’s because Dylan will be there. Gavin agrees with me,” she added matter-of-factly.

Dana felt the heat rise to her cheeks. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I can go and see Dylan any time I want, why would I be excited about him… this. Excited about this, I mean,” she corrected herself hastily.

“I don’t know,” Saffron shrugged and seemed to look right through Dana for a moment. “Your aura is such a beautiful pink, do you know that? Like a summer sunset.”

Humming to herself, Saffron strolled past a confused Dana, who followed her with a shake of her head.

They reached Hagrid’s hut without any more unplanned stops a short while later. Dana couldn’t help the elated smile spreading on her face as her eyes scanned the pumpkin patch. Hagrid had outdone himself this year, and some of the pumpkins stood even taller than Dana herself. The thought about sitting in a giant jack-o-lantern made her chuckle.

Dana clapped her hands enthusiastically. “Alright, let’s get to work.”

They ventured out into the pumpkin patch on the lookout for the perfect specimen. When they reached the other side of the vegetable garden, Dana could see two figures sitting on the low wall separating Hagrid’s garden from the Forbidden Forest. It was Dylan Amari, who Dana had known all her life, and his Muggle friend, who often helped Hagrid with his classes. They were bent over some sort of leather harness they were in the process of mending.

Before Dana could stop her, Saffron had already called out to her two friends. Dylan looked up from his work upon hearing his name, and smiled broadly when he saw Dana and Saffron. He said something to his friend and hopped down from the wall. The cold October breeze stirred his dark, messy hair as he walked towards them, and Dana suddenly found her heavy knit cardigan a tad too warm.

Saffron looked at her curiously. “So much pink,” she sighed and danced off to continue her search; Dana didn’t join her, instead waiting for Dylan to reach her.

“You could have told me you’re coming down,” he said with a warm smile. His voice was low and had a warm timbre to it that reminded Dana of a warm hearthfire. “What are you doing here?”

“Hagrid said we could have some pumpkins. You know, for decorating and baking.”

Dylan hummed in response. “Any luck so far?”

Dana showed him her empty hands and laughed. “Apparently not. I want them to be just right.”

Dylan looked at her sceptically. “Isn’t one pumpkin like the other?”

“Absolutely not,” Dana said vehemently. “There’s size to consider, and colour, and form and so many other things.”

“Uh-huh,” Dylan said, looking unconvinced. “So you’re looking for the perfect pumpkin, I get that. But what in Godric’s name is Saffron doing?”

Dana turned around to see Saffron repeatedly circling a particularly large pumpkin. Gavin the rabbit was sitting on top of it and looked just as bewildered as Dylan.

“Don’t you think that one’s a little big, Saff?” Dana called out to her; she didn’t fancy carrying that one back to the school at all.

Saffron shook her head, her blonde hair flying around her like a halo. “I think this one has completed its last growth cycle,” Saffron called back, “let me just check.” She reached into one of the many pockets of her colourful jacket and produced a gleaming crystal on a delicate chain. She held it close to the pumpkin and studied the tiny movements of the pendulum in her hand with a concentrated look.

“She’s trying to determine if that is the correct pumpkin to pick,” Dana explained to Dylan before he could ask, “she takes this very seriously.”

“I can see that,” Dylan said wryly. “But what is she doing now?”

Dana turned around again and had to stifle a sigh; Saffron had put her crystal away and was now sitting on the ground hugging the giant pumpkin as far as her arms would reach. They didn’t even go halfway round; considering its impressive size, Dana contemplated if levitating the gigantic pumpkin all the way back would work.

“She is apologising to the pumpkin that we are about to pick it,” she said. She had to bite her lip to keep herself from laughing at Dylan’s incredulous expression.

“She does realise that it’s a pumpkin, does she?”

“Tell that to her.”

“It’s a pumpkin, Saff. It doesn’t mind getting picked, you know? That’s kind of the whole point of growing them,” Dylan said to the sad looking girl on the ground with a louder voice.

“How would you like getting ripped out of the home you’ve known your entire life and carted off to some unknown destination?” Saffron said and wrinkled her nose. “Don’t worry, dear Pumpkin,” she said more softly and laid her cheek against the orange surface, “I am very sorry we are about to pick you, but I’ll promise we’ll make a delicious pie out of you.”

They gave Saffron and her pumpkin another moment before Dylan sliced its stem and helped Dana levitate it back to the school. It was really heavy so Dana was glad for the assistance, as a sniffing Saffron was too sad about the pumpkin’s demise to concentrate properly; she covered her mouth when Dana had to magically slice it in two to make it fit through the door that would lead them to the dungeons.

When they had reached the kitchens, Saffron had regained most of her composure again.

“Do you want to help us bake?” she asked Dylan when he was about to return to Hagrid’s hut again. “I think Dana would like some help.”

“I’m no use in the kitchen, but you can call me any time to judge the results,” Dylan laughed and turned to go.

Dana watched after him as he quickly walked up the stairs and vanished around the corner. She hastily raised her wand again when the pumpkin halves floating next to her almost came crashing to the ground.

“What did you ask him for?” she asked Saffron, who leaned her head against Dana’s shoulder with an other-worldly smile. “We do this every year. I don’t need his help.”

“Just a feeling,” Saffron said dreamily, “very pink.”

#hpma #harry potter magic awakened #magic awakened #october writing challenge #october writing challenge 2021 #danielle parkin #saffron summers #dylan amari

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baronessblixen · 4 years ago

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Can you write Melissa visiting Scully and when Mulder shows up she performs a little love test? Maybe tarot cards or a palm reading for them in the spirt if Halloween.

You really send out amazing prompts! I figured this would be perfect for Halloween today. Tagging @today-in-fic and @xffictober

Fictober Day 31

“Oh hi.” Mulder is surprised when the door to Scully’s apartment opens, and he’s face to face with another Scully woman. It’s not that he doesn’t like Melissa Scully, but he’s here to see his Scully.

“Fox, hello.” Her smile is sweet and genuine. It makes him wonder what Scully has told her sister about him.

“It’s Mulder,” he hears from inside the apartment. “Not Fox.”

“Sorry,” Melissa says to him, still smiling. “Come on in, Mulder. Why do you go by Mulder anyway? Dana never said.”

“Just a preference.”

“Don’t pester him, Missy,” Scully says, storming into her living room like a whirlwind. He catches a whiff of her perfume and it makes him dizzy. “I’m almost ready, Mulder. Five more minutes.” Just as quickly as she appeared in the living room, she disappears back into the bedroom.

“Why do you have to work on Halloween?” Melissa asks him, crossing her arms in front of her. Must be a Scully family trait.

“It’s the spookiest day of the year,” he explains lamely. Truth is, he had wanted to spend the day with Scully. The case is a flimsy excuse and now that he stands in front of Melissa, guilt gnaws at him. He didn’t know Scully had plans with her sister.

“I hope you know you’re getting in the way of a Scully tradition here.”

“Missy!” Scully yells from her bedroom.

“Oh?”

“Dana and I watch bad movies, eat too much candy and get drunk on wine.” Melissa glares at him, one eyebrow raised. She walks closer to him and lowers her voice. “It’s the one day she allows me to read her palm. You know how she is.”

He nods. Of course he knows how she is. The thought of his Scully having her palm read makes him smile. He makes a decision; the case, if it’s a case at all, can wait. Scully deserves this night with her sister. God knows too much has been taken away from her already.

“You know what? I can do this on my own. If I need Dana’s help, I’ll call her. It’s probably nothing anyway.”

“What?” Scully has emerged from her bedroom, ready to go. She’s wearing one of her serious pantsuits, her hands on her hips. She’s all business.

“I, um, I think you should spend tonight with your sister.”

“What about work?”

He shrugs. “I’ll call you if I need you, promise.”

“Fox- I mean Mulder- you said it might be nothing. Why don’t you just stay? At least for the palm reading. I need the practice.” Melissa Scully is persuasive. He should have known after her visit to his apartment when Scully was in the hospital. He pretends to consider it but his decision to stay already made.

“Missy, don’t,” Scully warns but Mulder smiles at her and takes off his jacket.

“Well, show me what you’ve got then.”

Five minutes later, the three of them are sitting around Scully’s kitchen table. Melissa’s various bracelets and rings jingle as she stretches her hands. Mulder watches the older Scully sister, then his partner. She is obviously amused by her sister’s antics, but he also sees the love she has for her on her face.

“Give me your hand, Mulder,” Melissa says and he does as told. She holds it in her hands and turns it around a few times. “Hmm, you’ve got air hands.” He’s watching the way she’s tugging at each of his fingers and he hears Scully giggle on the other side of the table.

“What does that mean?” he asks, immediately drawn in.

“You’re intellectually curious,” Melissa says, still turning his hand over, “and you have great analytical abilities. You’re good at communication.”

A snort from Scully. As he glances over at her, she takes a sip from her wine, not looking at him.

“As a lover, you thrive on mental rapport.” Mulder’s face feels warm. He doesn’t dare look at Scully and her reaction to her sister’s words. “Let’s look at your heart line. Hmmmm.”

“Hmm, what?” Mulder asks.

“It says here,” she says matter-of-factly as if his life, his emotions were scribbled into his palm, “your heart line is very high.”

“What does that mean?”

Melissa looks at him and he doesn’t know her well enough to judge her expression. “It means you’re passionate. Dana, give me your hand.”

“What? No. You said it’s Mulder’s turn. You did mine last year.”

“Dana, give me your hand,” Melissa repats, her own flat on the table. A moment later, Scully gives in.

“I knew it,” she says.

“Knew what?” Mulder asks.

“Your heart lines,” she says, putting their hands close together. “They’re parallel.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means nothing,” Scully says and draws her hand away. “Palm reading isn’t scientific. I’m going to change into something more comfortable if we’re not going out after all.” They both watch her leave the room.

“What do those lines mean?” Mulder asks again.

“It means that you,” but she stops. She looks at him, her face soft. “You mean a lot to each other and you always will. No matter what happens. There’s a strong connection between you two. The rest you’ll have to figure out yourself, Fox.” She winks at him.

“Do you mean we’re-“

“Figure it out. Dana might need some help and some convincing, but I think you’re on the right track.” She gets up.

He stares at his palm, follows his heart line with his finger. Two parallel lines, him and Scully. He thinks of love, thinks of forever.

“Mulder?” Scully asks him, joining him at the kitchen table in more casual clothes, her face devoid of make-up. “Don’t let Missy get into your head. It’s just a party game. Come on.” She reaches for his hand and as soon as their hands touch, he knows. It’s as clear as anything he’s ever believed.

Party game or not, it’s him and Scully. Forever.

#fictober2020 #it is done!#i like this one #msr #xf fanfic #my writing #my fic #monikafilefan

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writerofweird · 2 years ago

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My Ant Story

Inspired by @bramblesand ‘s post about ants and circuit boards, as well as comments from @bogleech and @themunofprovidence, I wrote in the replies pieces of writing about an ant becoming human (a transformation more “successful” than the one from Animorphs mentioned in the comments) and so here is the story, slightly extended, given its own post for easier reading and finding.

(4,495 words, contains some body horror, language and implied nudity) I once met an ant who said she was a human woman.

‘I’m not an ant,’ she protested, standing on her hind two legs and gesturing to them with her front two legs.

‘You are an ant,’ replied the ant who had brought her near me.

Ants knew all about transformations, and yet the ant who brought Dana to me said, ‘Very funny.’ She gestured to me with her head, adding, ‘You’re as bad a daydreamer as she is.’

Hearing this, she scuttled towards me, with both of us turning away from the other ant and the rest of the colony. The first thing I said to her was, ‘I believe you.’

‘No, I believe you,’ I replied, explaining to her the example of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly through an incident.

‘Wow,’ she replied, a word I had heard for the first time in my life that I figured out was an exclamation of surprise, ‘it just gets worse and worse the more I hear about it.’

‘Yes.’

‘And you’ve been like this your whole life?’ Dana looked at the ground, ceasing her scuttling for a moment. ‘I’m sorry.’

Dana crawled to me, told me her story and I - still holding out hope that there was a fairy or magical creature out there who could change someone’s species in seconds - believed her. Dana had explained how what was supposed to be a routine pizza delivery - she had to explain to me what a pizza was - ended with her force-fed a potion that caused an extra pair of limbs to burst from under her arms, that caused her bones to merge with her skin, that caused her hair to retreat, stabbing her insides like several needles. After that, she spent what felt like hours crawling through her oversized uniform before being picked up by the scientist who created the potion, thankfully slipping through their fingers before they could trap her in their ant farm.

That was what made me say what I had been thinking ever since I met Dana. ‘Dana,’ I said after we resumed our journey, ‘that scientist you mentioned. They turned you into an ant.’

‘Yes.’

‘And you think you can turn back into a human?’

Both of us said nothing for a few seconds before Dana said, ‘And you think you can turn into a human as well?’

I almost stood on my hind two legs as Dana had earlier. ‘Yes, please.’ ‘Okay then,’ Dana replied, her antennae twitching as she stopped to think, ‘how about Betty then?’

So that was how I became Betty. Betty the Ant, soon to be Betty the Human.

Dana and I could go running through the fields together.

Both of us becoming human dominated my mind as Dana tried to lead the way towards where the scientist lived. When we were human, I thought, he wouldn’t be able to hide in a drainpipe nor would we need to. When we were human, our food sources didn’t have to come from what other humans disposed of.

Again, we saw a pair of large shoes, making both of us instinctively crawl behind a table leg. Peeking around, I saw on the floor ant entrails. Dana placed her two forelegs against her pincers.

‘Well, well,’ came the voice from above, making my head throb harder than the footsteps against the pavement, ‘you weren’t very effective workers, were you?’ I scuttled closer to the feet despite Dana growling at me not to, and saw that the human in the white coat was looking down at the dead ants. ‘Guess you lost your chance to be human again,’ they added, placing a glass on top of the table Dana and I were hiding beneath. Back to Dana I went, my thorax and abdomen filled with a fierce stinging at how we had come too late to save these humans-turned-ants, alleviated by how that fate didn’t befall Dana, and the fact that I had a good idea how we were going to become human.

‘This is it!’ cried Dana, tapping the label. ‘It says “Ant to Human”. Betty! This could work!’

This is it, I thought as I scuttled over to the potion which we had managed to spill onto the floor. The end of my old life and the beginning of a new, more exciting one.

If this scientist could turn humans into ants, they could turn ants into humans.

Caterpillars.

More and more caterpillars spawned within me, and my body changed to accomodate them.

Yes, I said to myself as I felt my body inflate, the shelf and walls in my vision shrinking. Yes, I’m growing, no-one will ever step on me again.

I heard, ‘It worked! You’re human!’ yet the pain failed to subside. I not only felt writhing, I felt a whole new creature inside me, readying itself to burst out.

‘Betty, you look beautiful.’

I was staring at her right in the eyes and crawling at her feet.

For a fleeting second, I was back in my old body: an ant with six limbs and antennae crawling under grass instead of attempting to walk in a room full of test-tubes. Both realities felt wispy.

Dana had found the outfit she was wearing before her first transformation, and after dressing herself, returned with clothing from a less fortunate victim of the scientist.

Dana held up a t-shirt in front of my chest, a garment I could once explore like it was a nest, now made to be draped over my body. Again I was that human that attempted to step on my previous self, quickly reasoning how to put on the shirt and jeans and shoes, though Dana assisted. It was like flying through shrinking tunnels.

In another second, the sky itself became a god, seemingly furious at my transformation, coming closer to show that even in my new form, I could still be crushed.

I still needed escape.

That suspicion hung over me even as a human. It didn’t feel like the last night before death, but it was heralding an ending.

The next morning, to celebrate Dana’s return to humanity and my initiation into it, we decided to visit the spot where we first met.

I thought my mind was finally adjusting to my new body as I embraced the morning air. No more ant me. Human thoughts and human thoughts only.

Then I saw the other ants.

Seeing them made my feet sting, as if they were begging me to crush them since I had the power to, as if destruction of ants were an integral part of human nature.

I saw them as potential humans.

‘Are you okay?’

I turned to see a human, momentarily distracted from their ice cream cone. I had always wondered what it would be like to hold one of those things, to eat them without having them fall.

I saw the human as a potential ant.

I imagined flattening them under my foot, maybe punctuating it with ‘Now you know how it feels!’ and I wasn’t sure how I felt about the fact I laughed at that.

‘Betty, are you okay?’

Again we walked beside each other.

When I was an ant, I scurried across a discarded human object that I assumed was one of those things they wore for the sole purpose of decorating themselves. As a human, I learned it was a key.

When Dana took me back to her house, she told me she was locking the door - yet another object that seemed to stretch and shrink as I looked at it - in case the scientist responsible for our transformations found us. A key was used in tandom with a device called a lock to stop doors from opening.

When you are an ant, things just are. Birds want to fly down and eat you because they just do. You can lift heavy things because you just can. Humans find you disgusting because they just do.

The doors were prevented from opening due to parts as small as I used to be. As privileged as I felt to learn what few - if any other - ants had no idea of, I found myself looking at an open door in Dana’s home, leading to a small room with tall sticks.

I wondered if it would be better if I locked myself in that small room and did nothing but imagine what I thought being human would be like until I died of starvation.

It wasn’t until then I noticed I was in Dana’s kitchen, a place many ants had been in before, a place that seemed entirely made of shimmering white water.

‘Betty,’ Dana cried, grabbing a bottle of water – resembling the glass that induced my transformation in the first place - from the cupboard, ‘drink this; you’ll feel better.’

I held the bottle in my hand, its contents just enough to soothe my dehydration.

I held the house I was in in my hand, my finger just barely fitting through the door I could once walk easily through.

I held the country in my hand, trees flattening in my grip.

I held the sky in my hand, the stars scattered across my palm like sugar.

I felt more like a human being than ever before.

With the many times I momentarily felt like I had transformed back into an ant, I was long overdue to feel like the human I had become. The human I was. I was human. The rooms I stood in and the furniture they contained were made for me. The sofa was where I could sit or sleep. The tables were where I could place food.

When I accidentally spilled biscuits on the floor, I had no desire to nibble at it.

When I looked at a window and the sunlight piercing it, it reminded me nothing of another glass held by a sadistic child.

I was human. Dana believed I was worthy of knowledge that only humans were privy to.

Then she showed me, in her own words: ‘something I liked as a kid but comes off a bit differently now.’Ants. Ants as seen by humans. Ants like I was once as seen by humans like I am now.

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Ants. Ants as seen by humans. Ants like I was once as seen by humans like I am now.

The ants there looked less like ants than they did how I imagine I looked during my transformation.

That’s when I realised why I was so eager to learn about the human world.

I was a human. I was an ant.

Dana was a human. Dana was an ant.

Both of us had crawled beneath the roots of trees and brushed our fingers against their highest branches. Both of us had seen the sky clearly and obscured by blades of grass.

The humans would see me transform again, I thought, they would believe that Dana was briefly an ant and so would believe her stories of what it was like.

The days of ants being villified, mocked, flattened and roasted would come to an end. I saw ants as potential humans and humans as potential ants because I saw them learning more about each other.

And there were other animals out there too. What would it be like to fly like a bird, to be even closer to the sky? What would it be like to be a dog, larger than the grass yet smaller than the bins?

We had to pay another visit to the scientist.

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ordinaryschmuck · 3 years ago

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What I Thought About “Separate Tides” from The Owl House

Salutations, random people on the internet who most likely won’t read this! I am an Ordinary Schmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons.

...>A-hem< F**KING CALLED IT!

I said that the earliest that The Owl House would return would be late June and early July. And some of YYYOOOUUU sons of witches doubted me by saying it would be fall or winter. Well, guess what! "Separate Tides'' has come and gone, the show is back and better than ever, and we are all happy about it! You see how it pays to be optimistic, you persistent PACK OF PESSIMISTS!

...Sorry. Got a little hot there. I'm just so happy it's BACK!

10 MONTHS! It's been nearly 10 months since this show began its hiatus, large in part because of the pandemic. It was painful. BOY, was it painful. But I can already tell that the new season is going to be well worth the wait just by this episode alone.

But beware you mangey sea dogs! Thar be spoilers ahead when discussing such a premier.

And I swear to you that it's only spoilers for "Separate Tides." I haven't seen "Escaping Expulsion" either, and I promise you will be safe from anybody ruining it for you. But maybe don't read any responses from this post. Thar may be d**ks in these waters. So let's review, shall we!

WHAT I LIKE

Mirroring Season One’s Opening Scene: First off, this is a neat callback to what is the perfect first impression of the series. That scene perfectly introduces us to the type of show The Owl House is, while this one acts as a reintroduction to the world we left for way too long.

Second, this is also a well-hidden character moment. Luz is finally living the life she dreamed of, but it isn't exactly all that she expected. It's a great showcase that despite literally running away to a fantasy world, Luz is still getting a regular dose of reality. And I still love the irony in all of that.

(Plus, King eating the bounty is just funny).

The Recap Recording: This is a smart way to recap events from the season finale. It might be weird that Luz says things that the audience already knows, but she's not talking to us. She's talking to her mom. So she's going to explain all that she can in a way for Camila to fully understand. Besides, not every fan had repeatedly watched The Owl House Season One over and over again like a bunch of frickin' lunatics...You know who you are.

Plus, as an upside, Luz gets to explain new events and concepts for how she and the rest of the Owl House are making a living. In no way does it feel like forced exposition because, again, she's trying to describe as much as she can to her mother. It's a reasonable and natural way to talk to the audience in order to catch them up while also showing what's been happening since we've last left this show.

Luz Can’t Send Texts to Her Mom: ...Well, Texts to Home, it was fun while it lasted, but the current canon has decided that you're done. I'll miss you and appreciate all that you've done for me, but, yeah, this is the end. Sorry.

Alright, now that I got my jokes out of the way, allow me to explain how this is really a heartbreaking moment. Because the fact that Luz is forever cut off from her mother, even through texts, is an idea that just twists the knife in your heart when you really sit down to think about it. Luz's little goodbye at the end of her video does nothing but makes it worse.

On the upside, we get some solid character development as Luz doesn't even hesitate to send the video to Camila, learning her lesson from "Enchanted Grom Fright" about being more honest. She finally faced her fear, even if it was a fruitless effort.

They’re Doing Odd Jobs Now: This is a smart workaround for how the Owl House residents are making money. Some fans guessed that maybe Eda had so much junk piled up that they wouldn’t worry, but this seems more of a logical direction. Even if Eda had enough garbage to sell, she’ll can and will eventually run out at some point, meaning that they will all have to take the odd jobs anyway. So I appreciate the writers used that plot point sooner rather than later, as a fun romp as bounty hunters is something you want to do early in the season instead of later on. Especially with how Dana Terrace confirmed that s**t’s gonna go down in the future.

Lilith: ...I'm still willing to hold off--What the f**k did I say his name was? *looks up past review* Frederick Ulis--Frederick Ulisinsburg!

I am willing to hold off Frederick Ulisinsburg, for now, because Lilith is...sort of on the right track. I mean, I don't like how quick she was to playfully mock Eda or rudely yell at Hooty. But I do think that there is potential for her character. She feels genuine guilt for what she's done, and there's a chance that the new season will explore that further if the writers are smart (which they are). On top of that, there's a possibility that every time Lilith tries to act cocky or full of herself, she will be treated as a proverbial punching bag because of it. Like how her poster got burned down after boasting how impressive she looks. Or how Golden Guard's poster magically sealed itself to her face when Lilith tried to throw it away. It's the latter that primarily got me cackling like a madman due to how deservingly hilarious it was.

And, well...she happily clapped like a schoolgirl! Which was adorable! I can't hate characters who have the potential to be adorable! It's not in my nature!

So, while I am a little hesitant in liking her, I think there's a chance for improvement in her character in the future that I look forward to. We just have to wait and see if the writers pull it off.

(By the way, to the person that came up with Lilith wearing a "battery low" shirt...you're a genius in visual gags/storytelling.)

Greg’s List: Have I ever mentioned that this show is funny?

Who's Greg? Why does he organize a list of perfect bounties?

I don't know, but the idea of some random person in the Boiling Isles is putting it on himself to set up a list to make bounties...I'm sorry, but that's funny to me. It's also probably for how Craig's List was made, but when you really think about it, Craig's List is a funny idea as well.

Eda Isn’t Feared Anymore: I sort of guessed that this would happen, but seeing it is a whole different level of sympathy to feel for the character. Eda's main schtick was being the most powerful witch on the Isles, and that's gone now. She's forced to adapt to this new normal, which she's quick to do, but still. Tt's got to be a rough kick to the ego now that no one even cares about who she is anymore.

It's a low moment for her character that hopefully sets up her own arc for the rest of the season.

Luz Feels Like She’s a Burden: I will demolish her with love and kindness if she even CONSIDERS talking so poorly about herself again! Because Luz is not a burden. She is a beam of light that literally brightens up the lives of nearly everyone she meets. Eda already explains how her life is better because of Luz (through a heart-tugging speech that almost got to me, by the way), but it's not just Eda.

King now has his first real friend who admires him and treats him like the king he wants to be.

Willow has become much more confident and cheerful because Luz was always in her corner.

Gus learns more about the humans he appreciates with his whole heart while also having a friend that treats him like an equal rather than a kid.

And do I even have to say ANYTHING about Amity?

The Boiling Isles wouldn't be better off without Luz. It's better because of her. And shame on this girl for thinking otherwise...even though I fully understand where she's coming from.

I'm about to get personal for a second, so strap in. Because I am a twenty-somthing-year-old who is currently living with his mom. It's as pathetic as it sounds. But it's because I'm still attending college, and she says school comes first and jobs and apartments come second. Despite that, I feel like trash for just...living here as she still takes care of me and pays for the food I can't afford. She says that I shouldn't worry about it, but I still wait for the day I can finally pay her back for everything. Not some things, but everything. And that's Luz's mentality in this episode. The overwhelming guilt she's feeling for thinking she's inconveniencing Eda's life is something that hits really hard for me. It doesn't matter if it's true, but that she believes it's true. It's a heartbreaking character arc she's forced into for this episode that also adds more to why she's one of the many characters I heavily relate to.

Lulu and Hootstipher: Whoever thought of this idea...I f**king love you.

This is similar to when Noah and Owen became friends in Total Drama World Tour. Seemingly one-sided at first, you see a cute friendship that you would have never expected, but it works! Hooty is this happy and naive character who hardly understands what's going on half the time, and Lilith is...Lilith. Their chemistry is instantly fun as their dynamic is quick to understand.

This also shines with potential for character growth, for it could give Lilith a chance to be more caring and Hooty a chance to be more than just the comic relief. If you were to tell me that this is what was going to happen when the season premiered, I would have thought you were crazy. But now, after seeing it in action, I'm genuinely excited to see where this cute friendship between these two goes.

(As long as it doesn't involve fans shipping them. Because Hooty can do better)

Luz Getting Better with Her Magic: Our little bisexual princess is growing up! And, man, is it awesome to see. Luz going from just barely knowing how to do magic to full-on using her spells like second nature just warms my heart with all the character growth it presents. Now, some people might want an explanation for how she's able to do said spells, to which I say: "Who the f**k cares?"

If you ask me, Luz's magic is one of those things that doesn't need a direct answer because it doesn't matter as much. But if you're going to be a baby about it, here's what I can offer: As far as I can tell, it's equal parts having the glyph and mentally picturing what the spell should do. It's much like how Willow draws a spell circle and can either make giant jungle vines or a patch of flowers to land on. Luz's glyphs are her own spell circles. As long as she concentrates hard enough, she can make the glyph do whatever she wants it to.

There. You have your explanation. Now let's just all appreciate the fact that Luz can now throw fireballs and make vine whips like the superpowered teenager she most likely fantasized of being. Ok? Ok.

A Pirate Losing His Head...Literally: ...And I'm gonna go ahead and add that to the list.

I mean, for f**k's sake, WE SEE BONE! He puts his head back on, but we still see the bone!

Eda in a Pirate Outfit: ...That is all.

The Golden Guard: This guy shows up for only a few minutes, and I'm already beginning to like him. He seems just as threatening as Belos while also coming across as a guy who loves his job and being a ton of fun to watch because of it. I adore villains that find that balance of being funny and terrifying. The result is a character who makes me laugh on top of making me scared of what they could do to our protagonists. So far, that's the Golden Guard in a nutshell, and I can't wait to see what the rest of the season has in store with him. Whether it involves seeing him play with food as he did with Eda and Luz in this episode or seeing him getting kicked in the crotch like a little punk like him deserves, I am all for it.

(Bonus points if it's Amity who does the crotch kicking if he ever makes an advancement on Luz)

Eda Wanting to Protect the Selkidomus: I love this. It plays into the idea that Eda cares about things being wild and free and despises how Emperor Belos would want to control everything, including the most insignificant of animals. It shows just how kind Eda really is rather than someone motivated by greed...even if she does end up filthy rich in the end.

Emperor Belos’ Brief Cameo: Yup, still terrifying!

And if it turns out that Belos can see the Scrying Potion that Lilith made...we're going to have some problems.

Much like the actual problems that I have with this episode!

(Like that transition?)

WHAT I DISLIKE

King Being Stupid: King has two different personalities in this series. Either he's a pathetic wannabe ruler who seems intelligent or an idiotic Disney comedic sidekick. That latter version of King is what we get in "Separate Tides," and I don't like it (obviously). I don't care how cute it is to see him cling onto Luz's leg and exclaim how he won't let her leave. The same character who helped Luz break into a prison to save Eda shouldn't be the same one who falls asleep when a sheet covers him like a dumbass parrot! King's at his best when he's as intelligent as the rest of the characters. And not as dumb as someone like Hooty.

Eda Being Too Nice Around Lilith: This one bothers me the most. After being cursed for thirty years and having her life ruined by the person she thought she could trust the most, Eda is still all smiley and jokey when talking to Lilith. Yeah, sorry, but I don't buy that. No one in their right mind would be that cool with a person who did all of what Lilith did. It's a major misstep that squanders what could have been a fantastic overarching story of Eda learning to forgive her sister and Lilith trying to earn it. We'll at least get Lilith's guilt, but as is, I feel Eda showing genuine anger towards her would elevate that story by a lot.

IN CONCLUSION

But that's about all the bad things I have to say about "Separate Tides." As is, it is a well-earned, solid A of a season premiere. It introduces new concepts and characters I can't wait to see more of, continues old storylines and character development instead of ignoring them, and still proves that The Owl House is as charming and funny as it always was. Maybe the rest of the season could continue to be great, or maybe things might get worse. Time can only tell. For now, all I can tell you is that "Separate Tides" is a great and fun episode that makes me excited as we set sail to this new season.

(And Scared. Mostly scared)

#the owl house #the owl house season 2 #the owl house review #luz noceda #edalyn clawthorne #lilith clawthorne #the golden guard #king of demons #toh hooty #what i thought about

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iamtheblondestblonde · 4 years ago

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The Clark Kent Effect

Part Three

AN: Imma be honest, I’m not happy with this part. I feel like my brain isn’t entirely ready for writing yet, it’s still wired to argue cases so please bear with me as I get my shit together. I still wanted to give the people who follow this story something though (you have no idea how happy I am about every single one of you) and I sincerely hope that this is good enough, apologies if not :)

Song: Catching Feelings - Drax Project (this will be a thing from now on)

Word Count: 4,6k

Warnings: explicit language I’m pretty sure but thats it

Masterlist / Part One / Part Two

You felt foolish really. It was as if your entire life had turned into a soap opera overnight. You wouldn’t call yourself cynical by all means, you loved love and everything that came along with it far too much for that, but you would’ve at least described yourself as rational.

Up until now.

Up until now you’d been convinced that if people really wanted to, they would be together. Up until now you’d been a believer of where there’s a will, there will be a way - relationships that would classify as statutory rape excluded of course, age was a bit more than just a number in those cases - but you, you, you had been stopped by the Bro-Code, which was just absolutely ridiculous.

Imagine telling that to your parents: Hey mom, so I met this great guy but I can’t do anything about it because he’s friends with my ex. Your grandma would straight up laugh in your face if you told her, the badass bitch had married her former lover’s rich best friend after she’d gotten the news that her fiancé hadn’t survived the war. Without needing to call her you knew that she’d tell you to go for Mat in a second, no matter how much she’d adored Tito back then.

But you weren’t your grandma and Tito hadn’t died in a war so here you were, pining over a guy you couldn’t have and practically living out a tragic romance novel. Technically you didn’t even know if Tito would have anything negative to say about the entire situation, it may all be water under the bridge by now, but you also couldn’t just casually ask him without giving anything away.

The only good thing about this situation was that Tito had brought a great group of people along with him into your life. He’d always been good at making friends, that certainly hadn’t changed from when he was younger and since the two of you had hit it up again your friend groups had seemingly merged without issue. It sure made for an interesting dynamic. You’d had some explaining to do whenever you initiated someone new into a group that also included your ex, but the result was definitely worth it.

Spending time with Tito was just as easy as it used to be, back before feelings complicated everything. Somehow you’d managed to fall back into a completely platonic relationship, one that worked just as well when the two of you were alone as it did with others around.

You’d missed having him around the years before, his view on things and the way he’d always managed to make decisions easy by providing simple solutions.

Should you get a puppy right now? - No, your apartment is too small for a big dog right now and no, you also shouldn’t settle for a purse-sized dog because you’ve always wanted a big one since you were little.

Maybe a cat instead? - No, you are allergic to cats, don’t be stupid.

What about one of those naked ones? - Also no, you need to bathe those frequently because of the built up oils on their skin and you don’t even have a bathtub in your apartment.

(You really had to bathe those from time to time, you’d looked it up. Apparently they could still trigger allergies as well, which straight up sucked.)

Should we grab Thai or Chinese? – Chinese, you told me about this new place you wanted to try out like three days ago.

What can I do to stop this one coworker from belittling and making fun of me? - I’ll help you make her jealous, how about some courtside seats to watch the Nets since she likes basketball?

The last idea had actually come from Mat (since Tito didn’t know shit about basketball), who had also pulled some strings to get four tickets so you could attend the game with Dana, Tito and him. Mat had even taken some pictures of Dana and you in your jerseys and at the game so you could post about your night excessively on your social media, making sure that said co-worker would see it. They’d also given you a tour of the building and you were surprised to say that their locker didn’t smell as bad as you’d expected.

Said coworker hadn’t said anything ever since by the way, but you could still see her lurking on your Instagram.

For all the advice Tito provided you with, you still hadn’t asked him the one thing you needed an answer to:

Is Mat off limits?

But you couldn’t do that and therefore it somehow became a normal thing for Mat and you to walk on eggshells around each other after the “incident” at the bar.

From time to time there were moments that made it blatantly obvious how good things could be – the time he’d excitedly side hugged-you after the Nets turned the game that one night before realizing what he’d just done and quickly letting go, how he’d found you in the crowd and looked straight at you after scoring a goal at one of his games before being swept away by his teammates or simply how you could see him looking around until he found you whenever your group met up – but they never lasted more than a few seconds.

The two of you were stuck, neither of you wanting to hurt Tito’s feelings. At least with your big group moments with Mat alone were rare. They still happened from time to time though, especially since the majority of your friends wasn’t even aware of your dilemma, which was why you found yourself in the passenger seat of his car on a Friday night.

Emily’s boyfriend Rafael had finally returned from a two-month-long work trip to Spain and was dead set on making an authentic recipe he’d been taught over there for everyone. Unfortunately he’d made the mistake of putting Emily in charge of getting the needed groceries and in true Emily fashion she’d forgotten to buy tomatoes. Something neither of them had noticed until Rafael had wanted to start cooking as soon as everyone arrived at their place. Maybe Emily had done it on purpose or maybe she hadn’t been thinking properly in that moment, too caught up in the fact that her lover was with her again, but she’d tasked Mat and you with a last-minute errand run to the store.

You couödn’t stop yourself from checking out the wine aisle though, leaving him waiting behind, dutifully holding a bag of fresh tomatoes and checking his phone while you inspected the options. Rafael had asked you to bring some wine as well but the one he’d requested was apparently out of stock.

“Barzal”, you called for his attention, inspecting a label to try and figure out if it was a suitable replacement, “you think Rafael would like this one?”

As you turned around with the bottle in your hand you were taken by surprise by Mat’s proximity. You hadn’t even noticed how close he’d moved until now and for a couple of seconds you were caught up in your daydreams again. He seemed to struggle with the same thing, his pupils blown and his breathing growing uneven while the two of you just stared at each other. His lips were so close and so incredibly inviting, his mouth slightly agape.

If I leaned up on my tippy toes right now I could-

You quickly stopped yourself from finishing that thought, looking down so you had a couple of seconds to gather your thoughts, thoughts Mat seemed to infiltrate constantly. By the time you dared to look up again he was running his hand across his face in frustration before slowly breathing out and returning to his cool and collected regular self.

“I’m the wrong person to ask this, he was drinking some red wine earlier and the one you picked out is obviously red but that’s about it. Wine culture is definitely lost on me, sorry. I prefer beer.”

“Stereotypical hockey player through and through, I see.” Later on you’d tell yourself that the smirk that followed made your brain short-circuit, because there was no other way to explain why you’d keep on flirting otherwise.

“Maybe one day I’ll teach you, only if you’re nice to me though”, you teased, maybe in an effort to take control over the situation, maybe because you simply couldn’t stop yourself but his laugh made your heart soar for one second, until you remembered why this shouldn’t be happening.

Maybe you simply were an undiscovered masochist because even though you knew you should stay away from him you kept finding yourself in situations like this one way too many times. Deciding that you’d simply drink the wine by yourself if anyone had an issue with it - drowning your sorrows seemed like a great idea either way right now - you handed him a second bottle before moving to leave the aisle and in turn his personal space.

Making eye contact with Colin standing a couple of meters away from you got you to do a full 180 though, almost smacking into Mat in the process, who had obviously followed you towards the cashiers.

What was it with Mat and you?!

While a collision was thankfully avoided, Colin’s presence could cause other problems, since he hadn’t exactly appreciated you breaking off things over a month ago. Because you hadn’t known him for long it had taken you longer than you liked to admit to realize that he was a manipulative bastard, you weren’t proud of that, and you had no idea how he’d act right now.

“What’s wrong?”

“My ex is over there and I don’t want to talk to him. Is he walking in our direction?”

Mat lifted his concerned glance from you to look over your shoulder so he could be on the lookout.

“If he’s the one wearing a Gucci hoodie that is so obviously fake then yes, he is walking in our direction.”

You let out a snort at the casual burn but you weren’t too happy about having to face Colin right now. He hadn’t even crossed your mind in these past few weeks but for him to cross paths with you while you were with Mat of all people seemed to be yet another one of these odd twists of fate your life seemed to attract lately. Maybe your guardian angel had decided to start a meth lab instead sometime recently, there was no other way to explain what was going on instead.

“Uh.. you look good, don’t worry, he’s definitely the one that missed out. Do- do you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend or something?”, Mat stuttered out nervously, probably noticing your anxious shifting and you couldn’t help but smile at his words, despite him being wrong about the reason behind your nervousness.

“Thanks for the offer”, you gave him a gentle smile of reassurance before continuing, “but no, it’s not about the way I look or anything like that, I don’t give a fuck what he thinks of me because he’s an idiot. I just don’t want him to cause any problems and if I could I’d just run away from him forever so he doesn’t have the chance to ever ruin my night again.”

“Well I’m no expert on forever, but I’m here right now and I say fuck that guy”, he responded and with that he grabbed your hand and started running towards the cashiers, leaving you with no other choice but to run along with him so he wouldn’t rip your arm out of its socket.

Oh how you wished you had a picture of the expression on Colin’s face as Mat and you ran past him, hand in hand and cackling like maniacs.

He was apparently too stunned to follow you as you fought over who would pay for the stuff - Mat ultimately winning - but you didn’t let that stop you from running all the way to this car as well. Of course hand in hand.

Masochist.

Somehow the weird tension between the two of you seemed to lift sometime during your little sprint but you weren’t sure if this would be permanent or if it was a spur of the moment thing. You’d be damned if you didn’t enjoy it while it lasted though.

The entire ride back you couldn’t stop thinking about the way his hand had felt in yours and what a perfect fit it had been, desperately wanting to feel it again as the two of you sang along to the songs playing over the speakers, perfectly happy in your little bubble.

As Christmas approached Emily roped everyone in to accompany her on her mission to make Rafael appreciate the cold that taken over New York. According to her he dearly missed sunny Spain but all you could see was a man who was happy to be home again. You weren’t about to tell her that though, you’d long figured out that whenever she’d set her mind to something it was best to simply follow along. Everyone else had apparently come to the same realization because no one objected to her plans.

Emily wanted to take Rafael ice skating and since the Rockefeller Center apparently wasn’t good enough and too crowded, she told everyone to meet at Pier 17. Dana and Mariah were on board of course and you’d managed to convince Tito to come along, who had in turn invited Mat.

In a ridiculous attempt to not get spotted, both Mat and Tito had donned a pair of glasses and while you were used to seeing them on Tito by now, seeing Mat with them again knocked the breath out of your lungs for a second.

It had been almost two months since you’d last seen him like this and the fact that you hadn’t recognized him that night seemed impossible to you now. Maybe it was because you’d gotten to know him since, seeing him in real life instead of only on pictures and memorizing his handsome features in the process but as you tried to get a good glance at him without anyone noticing you realized that he’d never be Clark Kent to you again.

Whether that was a good or a bad thing was still left to decide though.

“Need help with those?”, Mat’s voice ripped you out of your thoughts. You’d been so lost in them that you hadn’t even noticed that everyone else had already laced up their skates and walked out onto the ice while you’d been staring at your hands for who knows how long, laces wrapped around your fingers but not doing anything. Tito and him had brought their own skates while everyone else had to rely on rentals and his were already laced up perfectly of course.

You nodded, despite full well knowing how to do it yourself but you weren’t about to stop Mat from pulling your leg into his lap so he had better access. Besides, you’d stupidly forgotten to bring gloves and you’d gladly take any chance to leave your hands stuffed inside the pockets of your jacket as you rapidly got colder.

His fingers worked quickly, tightening the laces with expertise and you watched his hand moving in awe.

If hockey ever wasn’t an option for him anymore, hand modeling definitely was. He had such nice hands, strong and big and perfect. For a quick second your thoughts drifted to what else they could be capable of, before you reeled them back in, mentally scolding yourself. It really wasn’t your fault, not thinking of him seemed impossible these days.

His eyes were mostly focused on his work but from time to time he’d lift his gaze and give you a small smile, one you happily returned despite the mess inside your head. He had just finished tying the second one when someone banged on the glass, making the both of you jump a little.

“Ayo Barzy get your filthy paws off Y/N!”, Tito yelled before zooming away again laughing loudly, leaving an awkward silence behind.

Was this just Tito being his usual little-shit-self or was he actually serious?

For a couple of seconds you couldn’t do anything but stare at Mat as he looked down onto his hands, one of them still loosely wrapped around your ankle. Carefully you pulled your leg off his lap, set both feet on the ground and got up.

It was apparently time to face reality again.

You waited until there was a break in the throngs of people circling around the rink before stepping onto the ice, muscle memory from your childhood kicking in immediately. Once you were convinced that you weren’t going to fall on your ass you did a couple of little spins until you were facing Mat again, who had followed you. He looked at you with a slack jaw and you laughed at his expression.

“You can skate?!”, he asked bewildered and you laughed again, moving so the both of you could skate beside each other at a relaxed pace.

“Obviously. Sorry to ruin your late night fantasies of teaching me how to skate but I’m a good Canadian girl and I did some figure skating when I was younger. I actually used to be pretty fast.”

That caught his attention and you smiled at the way he looked down at you with a conspiring grin.

“Oh yeah? Show me what you got then”, after a couple of seconds of contemplation he continued, “last one to reach the others owes the winner coffee.”

You looked around to find the rest of your group, spotting them on the other side messing around. Of course.

“You’re on, Barzy. I hope you’re ready to lose though”, you winked at him before racing towards your friends, leaving him and his exclamations about you being a cheater behind, now definitely not cold anymore.

Something in your relationship seemed to shift after that, at least whenever you were alone with him. Things were still difficult around others, especially with the way Emily kept prodding you for updates and Tito constantly disturbing the few moments you had alone with him. You weren’t sure yet if he did it on purpose or if he simply had awful timing but it wasn’t like it made a difference.

Christmas came and passed just as fast, the team leaving for a roadtrip shortly after. You’d celebrated New Year’s Eve with your friends in a club, unable to kiss the person you wanted to either way so your lips had stayed untouched as the fireworks went off at midnight and the days following.

Tito had announced that the guys would return later in the day though, already making plans in the groupchat to meet up tomorrow. While you wondered where he got all this energy from you suspected it was a way to distract himself as the trip hadn’t been successful - to put it mildly. In reality they’d ate shit, losing all of their games, some to teams that should have been an easy win.

It was hard to watch on TV but even harder to talk to the guys afterwards.

A couple of hours later you sat on the couch, a book in hand that you’d meant to read for weeks and enjoying staying in on a Friday for once. You were so lost in the story that it took you a couple of seconds to realize that someone had knocked on your door.

Who could that be?

Tito or Emily were most likely to show up unannounced at your day but you knew that Tito would be on his way to his home so he could sulk by himself and Emily was away on a ski trip with Rafael. Unwrapping yourself from your fuzzy blanket you padded towards the door, taken aback by who was waiting on the other side.

“What..”, you trailed of questionably, not even sure what you were going to say in the first place.

Mat looked so out of place in the dimly lit hallway, dressed in a suit that fit him so nicely, bag set on the ground next to him.

“Can I come in?”, was all he said and you nodded, unable to bring yourself to say anything else.

How could you even refuse him?

You didn’t move from your spot beside the door and after taking off his shoes he took a couple of steps inside your apartment, hanging up his coat before turning back around to face you.

“You’re probably wondering why I’m here but if I’m honest I can’t even tell you. I just didn’t want to be alone tonight and since you seem to constantly be on my mind either way..”, he trailed off, seemingly gathering his thoughts before continuing, “I don’t know if you watched the games or-“

“I did and you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to”, you said softly as you interrupted him, sensing his apprehension. You decided that you weren’t about to touch his admission of thinking of you all the time with a ten-foot-pole, instead focusing on the rest of his sentence. He looked so broken and lost standing there so you couldn’t help but take the few steps it took to reach him, wrapping your arms around him in a tight hug.

You knew from personal experience with Tito that athletes tended to take losses personal and if you had to take a guess you were pretty sure that Mat was one of those guys that blamed himself for them as well.

At first he seemed surprised about your bold move – it was the most the two of you had ever touched so far – but he quickly caught himself, hugging you even tighter to his body. For a couple of seconds you stood just like that, simply basking in each other’s proximity.

It was as if your bodies were made for each other, your head resting perfectly in the crook of his neck. Despite probably just getting off a plane he smelled so good and you were trying to figure out if you could take a deep breath without raising any suspicions. Before you’d managed to make a decision however, he pulled away and you unfortunately had to untangle yourself from him.

“Feel free to stay as long as you want to”, you said to fill the silence, leaving out the part where you hoped he’d stay for the night as well. He simply nodded before asking where he could change into more comfortable clothes. While you were sad to see the suit go you directed him to your bedroom, glad to have taken those thirty minutes earlier to tidy up.

He returned in a pair of grey sweatpants and a hoodie and it took every last remaining bit of your willpower not to drool at the sight of him. Somehow he managed to look even better in sweats than he did in his custom suit, which really wasn’t fair at all.

You had to admit it was a little weird to see him in your apartment though. He’d been over a couple of times to pregame etc. but he’d never been here alone. Somehow it felt strangely intimate to have him over by himself on this Friday night. To prevent your thoughts from going to a direction they definitely shouldn’t, you asked:

“Do you want some tea? I know technically you still owe me that coffee but I’ll be generous and let you off easy this time.”

For good measure you even threw in a wink at the end and your words had the desired effect, breaking the loaded tension completely.

“You cheated! I would’ve won if you hadn’t started early”, he exclaimed but the way he was laughing showed that he was anything but butthurt about the situation.

“Mmm keep telling yourself that, it’s okay”, you kept on teasing as he followed you into your small kitchen that was definitely at maximum capacity with two people in it. You’d be lying if you said that you didn’t enjoy the closeness the tight space prompted though.

With a steaming mug of tea the both of you settled onto your couch shortly after, also small enough to keep you close together. You’d been wanting to buy a bigger one for weeks, but right now you certainly didn’t mind its size.

Masochist.

“Oh I love that one, the chimpanzees are so cute”, Mat said to your surprise as he finally realized what was playing on your tv and you looked at him in utter disbelief. You certainly hadn’t pegged him for a guy that liked to watch nature documentaries but yet here he was, constantly surprising you.

“What? Documentaries are very soothing”, he defended himself and you had to laugh at the way he looked like a little kid with his floppy hair and the cute way his eyebrows had scrunched up.

“I know. That’s why I love watching them as well.”

You hadn’t exactly pictured yourself watching documentaries with him on a Friday night, something that felt way too domestic if you were being honest, but yet here you were.

As the hour grew later both Mat and you sunk further in the cushions and while you had no recollection of how exactly it had happened, your head apparently ended up on his shoulder somehow. Your only regret was that now it wasn’t as easy to sneak glances at him from time to time without him noticing. At one point he’d even wrapped his arm around you, moving both of you into a more comfortable position before covering your bodies with the fuzzy blanket and the steady rhythm of his heartbeat lulled you to sleep before you even knew it.

The soft sound of your name woke you up sometime later, you weren’t exactly sure how much time had passed but the credits of the second documentary you’d started were already rolling and you were pretty sure you’d only caught the first half of it. In your sleep you’d cuddled up even closer, your arm wrapped around Mat’s midriff and you quickly sat up, embarrassed about turning into a koala in your sleep. Maybe you could blame it on the documentary?

“Sorry for waking you but I should probably head home. Otherwise my back is going to kill me tomorrow.” His voice was a little hoarse and it was obvious that he’d fallen asleep as well, his hair now sticking up in multiple directions. You suppressed a giggle at the disheveled sight of him, instead appreciating that he let down his guard enough for you to see him that way.

“Yeah of course. I’ll show you out.”

“Thank you for tonight. It means a lot to me”, he said quietly as he stood by the door, ready to leave.

“Anytime Mat. Get home safe.” It was the first time you’d called him by his first name, after months of first calling him Barzal then Barzy and he must have noticed as well because his smile could probably make glaciers melt at this point. You weren’t even sure why you’d given up your pathetic way of distancing yourself from him – despite the fact that it was very much obvious that it wasn’t working – but to not call him Mat would feel wrong after this evening.

“Have a good night, Y/N”, he simply said, still smiling as he leaned down to kiss you on the forehead before walking out the door, leaving you speechless.

Tagging: @jamiedrysdales @nazdaddy @itrocksmysocks @yeeehaw-hockey @whitesummerx @teenagekook

#mat barzal #mat barzal x reader #mat barzal imagine #nhl fanfiction #hockey imagine #hockey writing #nhl players #nhl #my writing #new york islanders

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