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walker-extended-universe · 4 months ago

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Hunters Suck

Relationship(s): N/A

Tags/Warnings: Alternate Universe- Government Agency, Fear, Ghosts, Anxiety, Hurt No Comfort, Dean Winchester Being an Asshole, Sam Winchester Being an Asshole

Summary:

Hunters were government contract agents. They were responsible for handling the monsters of the world- once they landed in the United States at least. It was a difficult job, one of the highest mortality rates outside of the military. It took lots of specialized training and various levels of psych evaluation to even be considered for the job. Sam and Dean Winchester were the best in the business. They came from a long line of hunters that started as early as the first iteration of the D.S.P. (Department of Supernatural Phenomena). They had the highest scores in their training class and the highest kill count out of anyone else currently working in the Hunter Division. The worst part was: they knew it.

Written for @augustofwhump day 21: Set up to Fail, Bitter

Taglist: @theladywyn, @ihavepointysticks. @klaatu51, @itsjessiegirl1, @neptunium134

---------------

“Walker, got a minute?”

Cordell looked up at James. “Do I have a choice?”

“Not really.”

He sighed and followed his former partner into his office. “What’s the bad news, Cap?”

“Does it have to be bad news?”

“If we’re in your office and I have no choice, it probably is.”

James shrugged. “Fair enough. Remember the Winchesters?”

Cordell’s stomach dropped. “Wh- No. No. I don’t care what the job is or how many people have died. No.”

“Walker-

“No! No, I don’t care! They- They can’t just walk in here and force me to be their bait every time they get sent to Texas! I’m not doing it again! I refuse! I-I’ll turn in my badge! They can't make me if I’m not a Ranger….”

James sighed. “You can’t quit over this and, unfortunately, they can just come down here and request you specifically whenever they get a job in the state.”

“No. No, I’m not doing this again.” Cordell stood up and started pacing. “There has to be a way out of this. Can’t you say I’m already busy with something else?”

“You know these cases take priority.”

Cordell groaned. “Okay, then I’m sick. They can’t make me work if I’m sick.”

“The only way that would work is if you’d already put in the time off before the orders came in. Which you didn’t. And, before you ask, I’m not risking my badge to fake the paperwork for you.”

“Is- Is there anything else we could-”

“No. And if there was, I would’ve done it instead of telling you about this.” James sighed. “I know how these Hunters are. If you ask me, they’ve got way too much sway over local law enforcement, but I’m not in charge of that. All I can do is tell you they’ll be here after lunch and they want to get started immediately.”

Cordell groaned. “Great. I’ll just go home to tell my family I love them one last time and make sure all my affairs are in order.”

“Walker, they’re not-”

“Do NOT tell me they’re not that bad! Did you forget what happened last time?! That djinn almost drained me before they finally took care of it!”

“And you were adequately compensated for the medical and therapy costs.”

“I still have nightmares.”

“Unfortunately the government doesn’t care about that.”

“I know; the best part of this job is that I don’t have to rely on the fucking VA for my healthcare.”

James shrugged. “I’m sorry, man. I really am. But I can’t stop it and you don’t really have much choice. Besides, their research says it’s just a ghost. It shouldn’t be that bad.”

Cordell snorted. Last time, their research had assured him it was just a vampire. He wouldn’t be surprised if this “ghost” turned out to be a demon or some low level god. He swore they did half-assed research on purpose just to make him suffer. “Whatever. I’m going home to prepare myself. With any luck, you’ll actually see me again in the morning.”

“I’ll make sure to include your enthusiastic cooperation in your performance review,” James said dryly. “And try to be on time. You know how those Hunters get when they’re inconvenienced.”

“Oh, yeah, we’d hate for them to be inconvenienced,” Cordell muttered as he stormed out of the office.

This was just not going to be his day.

—-----------------------

Like most government agents, they enjoyed rubbing it in the faces of state and local law enforcement whenever they rolled into town. They also had a tendency to ignore the basic rules and policies that their training academy supposedly drilled into them. As long as the monster was killed, they were free to do almost anything they wanted. Granted, most of them were pretty tame and saved their antics for when they were off the clock. But, some of them, the ones that knew they were too good to be fired for anything they did in the field, took it to the extreme.

Sam and Dean Winchester were the best in the business. They came from a long line of hunters that started as early as the first iteration of the D.S.P. (Department of Supernatural Phenomena). They had the highest scores in their training class and the highest kill count out of anyone else currently working in the Hunter Division.

The worst part was: they knew it.

They knew very well that they could waltz into any law enforcement office, ask for anyone they wanted, and their wishes would be granted. Once the monster was killed, they could blow their work credit cards on the best hotels and craziest parties to celebrate a job well done. They were the annoyance of every fine establishment and state-level agency from the California coast to the very tip of Maine.

And, for some reason, they enjoyed picking on one tall Texas Ranger.

Was it because of his height? Did they work with him once and have a little too much fun? Did they just get a kick out of seeing him get all flustered? They’d never tell. It’s no one’s business anyway. As long as the monster is dead, who really cares how it got done?

—-----------

“Do you two really need me for this? Aren’t you guys the best in the business? Why do you need me for a simple salt and burn?” Cordell didn’t care if he sounded like he was whining. He felt like he was entitled to a little whining after almost a decade of this treatment.

“Didn’t you read the file?” Sam smirked. “It’s not just one ghost. We’ve got a set of twins.”

Cordell groaned. “Still, only two ghosts. That should be easy enough for you.”

“Yeah, but it’s easier when we have bait.” Dean winked. “Look, they were buried in the backyard. We can handle that part. You just gotta keep those freaky girls busy so they don’t come after us, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Cordell muttered. “What triggers them again? Just being in the house or-”

“Being in the house and being male should do it,” Sam said. “They both murdered their husbands after a little cheating scandal.”

“Great.” Cordell picked up the iron crowbar and salt container. “See you on the other side I guess.”

“Have fun!” Dean quipped as he entered the front door. Cordell resisted the urge to flip him off.

—--------------

Cordell grunted as one of the sisters threw him against a wall. “How long does it take to dig a grave?” he muttered to himself. He knew there was more than one body but they were buried close together, basically in the same grave. How hard could it be?

“Foolish man! How dare you enter our sanctuary!” The other twin swooped in and claws at him.

He hissed as her fingers burned across his chest, leaving long claw marks in their wake. “Dammit,” he groaned, trying to sit up. “Any minute now, jackasses….”

The crowbar had been lost about an hour ago and the salt was quickly thrown into the fireplace after that. Cordell was basically defenseless in here and he would bet any amount of money that those Winchesters were taking their time on purpose. They always seemed to, for whatever reason.

The twins continued to bounce him around the house. He lost count of how many broken ribs he got- which probably had something to do with his head injury- and he just wanted this to be over. He almost didn’t care if he walked out of this house alive. It might be fun to haunt Sam and Dean for a bit.

At one point, he was able to crawl over to the fireplace and grab one of the iron fire pokers to field the twins off. It wasn’t much, but he’d take that over a potential coma.

He tried to look out the back windows to see how much closer Sam and Dean were to the bodies, but the graves must be somewhere he couldn’t see from the windows. Otherwise, he might think the Winchesters just left him there.

Thank God they got paid not to do that.

After far too many minutes, Cordell finally got to see the twins burst into flames. Unfortunately, one of them caught his hat, so he almost lost some hair on top of it all.

All in all- it could’ve been worse.

He stumbled out of the house toward his truck. “Thanks for taking your time,” he muttered as the Winchesters were packing up.

“Oh, quit your whining. We dug that grave double time for you,” Sam insisted.

“Yeah, yeah.”

Cordell was just going to quit today. He was never doing this again. Ever.

#augustofwhump2024 #crossover au #walker #walker fic #walker fanfic #supernatural #supernatural fic #supernatural fanfic #my writing #my fic #sorry cordell #(not really)

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brainzzzeater · 8 months ago

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I’m having a hard time understanding a lot about this conflict. Today, in the USA (Chicago Illinois, San Francisco California, and in New York) Pro-Palestinian activists decided to block the bridges to prevent people from entering or leaving. As a result, people waited for a minimum of 5 hours before the bridge was completely opened for them to cross. I’ve been reading stories of people who were transporting stem cells, sick people, etc who weren’t able to make it out.

According to the protestors, their goal was to cause an “economic blockade” by causing everyone to not be able to go anywhere

Shockingly a lot of Palestinians were supporting this saying that inconveniencing Americans is a good way to bring light to the situation happening in Gaza. I’ve even had some say that the few lives that were lost because of this were “fine” because it’s for the cause. I don’t want to believe that everyone is this cruel, so I will give my thought generally speaking.

I’m not an expert on these things, I don’t know much so im just using logic. Joe Biden is not the supreme authority over Israel. So let’s say that the USA stops sending aid to Israel completely. Let’s say they cut ties. Where will the protesting end up then? Will it move to another country who may support Israel? The way I see it is, Israeli government is going to do what it wants to do whether America sends it money or not.

Secondly, why is it that Americans have to suffer for what we cannot control? Blocking the bridge did nothing for the people in control. They were comfortably in their homes, meanwhile working mothers and fathers lost job time because of this. People have children to feed. How is what’s happening in Gaza somehow the fault of innocent civilians?

This act today was just cruel and my heart hurt because of it. I in no way am turning a blind eye to the suffering of those in Israel, whether that be Israeli or Palestinian. But at some point we really have to think about where our actions will take us. I’m curious to know if anyone is sharing the same thoughts as I am. Again, I am not educated on the conflict to where I can speak confidently about it 100%, im just looking at this from a logical standpoint.

Not sure why this question was asked to me but I’ll do my best to answer you as simply as I can put it. I try my best to keep myself informed every day about the genocide in Gaza and protest/boycotts occurring here in the United States.

Yes it absolutely was an economic blockade, because it disrupted a small section of the economy in major cities in the United States.

It isn’t shocking to hear Palestinians are happy to see major protests coming from Americans. In fact, I’m sure they see it as a beacon of hope that the main country funding the genocide in Gaza is not being supported by many of their own citizens. I have personally not heard anyone say that it was “fine” for lives being lost in the blockades. Though I will say it is saddening to hear that that happened, and I send my best wishes to those affected by the loss of this people.

If or when the United States stops sending Billions of dollars to Israel, no the protests will not stop. There are many countries that still hold protests despite their own government supporting Palestinians as well. The difference is HOW the protests are conducted. The reason they are more disruptive here in America is because we want to show the government that we do not stand behind them in the decision they are making to continue supporting Israel.

You are right. The protest did not directly/immediately affect any of the politicians or millionaires in the country. But one thing to know about our own economy is that it is extremely fragile. And the government HATES when we go out of our way to disrupt the order of “peace” they have kept around us. Protests, as we have all hopefully learned in any history class, are very successful ways to bring great change to the issues they are tackling with determination from the participants. In the grand scheme of things, the majority of Americans will NEVER suffer the way the majority of Palestinian families have suffered. Every single day there are entire bloodlines being murdered, children being sniped, innocent people literally being BLOWN UP. It would be selfish to turn a blind eye to what is happening to them.

Living in America fucking sucks. With the way things are going politically, if you are not a white cisgendered heterosexual man you will be targeted by your own government. The capitalist society built around us is so suffocating and draining that we are being worked to the grave. So a lot of people, including yourself, wonder why should I have to put the work in if it doesn’t effect me?

To that all I have to say is. I care about people. I have sympathy. Just because I will suffer does not mean I will not fight for others. I wish I could do more than just spread awareness, and give more of the little money I have. Sometimes all people can do is block a bridge and shout till their throats are soar to do ANYTHING to help innocent lives across the sea. And that is better than nothing.

#free gaza #free palestine #all eyes on rafah #all eyes on palestine #all eyes on gaza #fuck isntreal

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xueyuverse · 8 months ago

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According to the protestors, their goal was to cause an “economic blockade” by causing everyone to not be able to go anywhere

Extreme measures are taken in extreme situations. Every protest comes from somewhere. If this place (the source of the problem that caused the protest) is ignored and the protesters suffer repression, then what kind of government is this?

I will not be working with hypotheses, with “what if the US stopped financing the war” or “what if the US no longer had any influence in this war”, because that didn't happen and I cannot guess what would happen if the US stopped this (apart from the fact that Israel would certainly continue with its genocide). I also can't answer you as to whether or not it's a good idea to block highways, I don't see myself in a position to do that, but know that this type of protest is not new, here in Brazil every now and then there are protests like this too — and the results are as many negative as positive, often the positive results make the negative results worth it.

However, believe me, it's not that people don't care about innocent lives, it's the extremity of the situation that leads them to put their priorities elsewhere. For the Palestinians, Palestine is the highest priority, after all, they're for them, not even “justice” is on their side. If there was another way (and there wasn't a lack of trying), they would definitely have gone that way.

The last thing the world wants is to find itself in this situation (believe me, the last people who want to be in this situation are the Palestinians), and this is only happening because countries in the Global North continue to finance the Palestinian genocide and turn a blind eye for Israel's attacks on other countries, after all it's economically and territorially advantageous for them to invest in wars and genocides caused by the Global North.

The only side that is continually being murdered in this history for 70 years is Palestine.

Who do you think is cruel? The Palestinians, because they have to take increasingly extreme measures to try to guarantee a minimum of justice and freedom because of colonialism that expelled them from their homeland and the only thing they receive is more deaths, needing to live on donations, or politicians from the Global North whose only role is to support genocide to the point of being negligent towards their own people? Let's remember that when it comes to the USA, there are more American military bases around the world than there are hospitals.

Don't blame the people, they are not the ones causing the problem, they don't even have power comparable to that of the countries of the Global North. The only ones who can make all this stop are the countries of the Global North and, mainly, the USA and Israel: the USA because they are always the ones who veto any resolution to cease fire, in addition to financing the war. Why hold a vote at the UN where the majority votes in favor of a ceasefire if the US can veto it? Why convene an assembly of the ICJ (which belongs to the UN and, therefore, the USA) if Israel will continue to get away with it? And Israel, because all it has to do is stop bombing and killing hundreds of civilians a day and the “war” will end.

At this point, you must have already realized where the scales of advantage, privilege and inequality always tip. Even if the US stops funding the war and sends humanitarian aid to Palestine, none of it will do any good if they continue to veto ceasefire resolutions and ignore all the war crimes committed by Israel — the genocide will continue with or without US funding. And the ones who end up getting fucked up the most are the civilians.

We are already very lucky that the Global North has not yet led the world into a Third World War (at least not yet), honestly.

Protests are a way of drawing the government's attention to the problems that are happening. Or they solve it or the people will have to intervene to take matters into their own hands. If you don't want there to be protests, even a revolution, then the government better listen and serve its people. It's the government that has to fear its people, not the people that have to fear the government.

If we don't want any innocent lives to be taken or put at risk in our countries, then we need to protect the lives of other countries too.

And, I'm sorry, but the US is a big part of the problem. 90% of the world's problems are US problems: Democratic Republic of Congo and all of Africa; Palestine and the entire Middle East; all of Latin America (the military dictatorship in Brazil from 1964 to 1985 was financed and influenced by the USA, did you know?); Hawaii (which suffers from colonization, imperialism, exploitation and American tourism to this day, there are even billionaires wanting to buy Hawaii as if Hawaii were an object, and not a nation that was once independent and prosperous, but after the North American invasion was oppressed and exploited for centuries), among others.

“They were comfortably in their homes, meanwhile working mothers and fathers lost job time because of this. People have children to feed. How is what’s happening in Gaza somehow the fault of innocent civilians?”

First: who can guarantee that every Palestinian was at this protest too? Who can guarantee you that there weren't mothers and fathers, patients in ambulances and Palestinian-American children who suffered the consequences because of the demonstration? Who can guarantee that the protestants didn’t suffer the consequences too? What they least have are Palestinians and Palestinian activists comfortable in their homes.

Why do American interests always have to come first? If you only rebel and your hearts only hurt when the crossfire hits you, then there is something wrong there.

What is happening in Gaza is not the fault of innocent civilians, but it seems that the US and Israel never cared enough to let the situation get to this point.

In other words, the US is hypocritical and selfish madness. This country creates a million problems all over the world, they cause deaths, slavery, abuse, exploitation, colonialism, imperialism, among other crimes, all over the world and when the consequences knock on the door, North Americans think it's bad (and it's for the people think so, but there's no point in turning your hatred and indignation against those who are at a greater disadvantage than you).

Compared to what the US has done for centuries in other countries, the only ones "sitting comfortably in their homes" are the Americans themselves (and that's not to mention the problems that Americans cause and suffer within their own country, which has no relation whatsoever to Palestine or any other place mentioned here).

If you don't want this kind of thing to happen again, then cover the government in a minimally decent position.

“This act today was just cruel and my heart hurt because of it. I in no way am turning a blind eye to the suffering of those in Israel, whether that be Israeli or Palestinian.”

This act today is just a dust compared to more than 70 years of colonization. There is only one side suffering, and it's definitely not Israel, and especially not the USA.

As you said, you know virtually nothing about what is going on, so I strongly suggest you go to Palestinian sources to understand. I'm not Palestinian, I can't speak for them, I just pass on the information.

#decolonize palestine

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lyraeon · 2 years ago

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This week on tales from therapy:

(honestly this got way ramblier then I meant it to and that’s the only reason it’s under a cut, but it does talk a lot about guilt complexes and emotional abuse so be warned?)

therapist helped me realize that I somehow expect apologies to be an instant cure all. That I was constantly expected to give them over tiny things when I was little and expected to drop anything that someone else had apologized for, even if they kept doing the thing.

This has hurt me in two ways that are, in retrospect, obvious, but which I hadn’t actually realized.

One I did start to notice last year but wasn’t sure how to handle: “I apologized, what else am I supposed to do?” Not as in, thinking that I didn’t have to change my behavior, but as in, feeling like other people didn’t believe my apologies were sincere because they were still hurt, even if it had been an accident. I had always been expected to just move on if someone apologized and it never really occurred to me that it was natural to still feel hurt because I always thought I was a shithead for it.

The other is the bigger one: I don’t know how to move on without an apology. I’ve been told I hold grudges too long and I’ve said myself that vindication is one of my biggest driving forces. I can’t truly believe that I was right and the other person was wrong unless they say so themselves. And that’s never going to happen in most cases.

I hadn’t even connected the two issues to each other. Hell, I barely knew what to do with the first issue at all and instead was just stuck in a zone where I assumed that if people didn’t forgive me when I apologized, they never would and now they hate me forever, despite the number of times I’d said myself to someone that I was gonna need a couple days to calm down about stuff. Which actually meant that virtually anyone that I’d ever even felt the slight need to apologize to - even tiny, “whoops sorry I bumped into you” or for talking to much - I assume subconsciously still hates me if they never said “it’s ok” or anything like that.

No really. I already knew that I walk around 24/7 assuming all but like 5 people I talk to are sick of me and don’t actually want to deal with me and that I’m on thin ice with 3 of those 5. I already knew that I existed in a constant state of assuming that I was inconveniencing others just by existing. And these are emotions that I already knew were bullshit and that my medication helps me drown out but not entirely. I had not realized until then that one of the most common things that puts people in to the “everyone else” category into the “safe 5 people” category for me is “I thought I upset them, so I apologized, and they didn’t acknowledge it, so I assume the way I upset them is so awful that it’s unforgiveable in their brain so now every time they interact with me I’m sure that’s the only thing they’re thinking of.”

Even when the thing that I did that I thought upset them was like. Send too many DMs. Or miss their stream. Or forget they were vegan and offer them ice cream. Or something else that they never actually showed real signs of being upset with me for, I just panicked and thought they were mad. So often I was apologizing for stuff they weren’t even upset about, so of course they didn’t say “it’s ok” or anything, because lol silly what were you even apologizing for?

And a huge part of why that’s my automatic assumption?

Because I had so many things that went on for so long that are the only thing I can think of when dealing with that person. Because my folks and my evil ex and some of my “friends” over the years have all had zero regard for how their actions affected me, and I was still on some level expecting an apology and expecting that to make everything ok. Because my entire system of right and wrong somehow hinges on making the bad guy admit they fucked up or something - like I can’t definitively say, “no, I was right to feel hurt” instead of feeling guilty about being upset with them until they actually say “I was wrong, I’m sorry.”

And honestly I think half of why I tell the same stories over and over to so many people is because I’m seeking that validation - I want someone to agree with me and say I was right, except it’s insatiable. No matter how many people agree it doesn’t matter because the one person in any given situation whose admission that I was correct mattered was never going to.

Ma is never going to apologize for anything that happened when I was little, because she truly believes she was just being a parent. My evil ex is never going to apologize for driving me further into my eating disorders or trying to control me because that’s what he was trying to do. The boss who made us work off the clock and smashed ice cream in my face is never going to apologize even though he’s in jail for domestic violence shit now because he’s the kind of guy who winds up in jail for domestic violence and also because he probably doesn’t remember I exist. So on.

I don’t need their permission to move on though. I don’t have to let this anger keep eating me.

And hopefully learning to let go of that will also help me stop assuming everyone else is mad at me all the time, too.

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suckitsurveys · 3 months ago

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Can you unwrap a Starburst in your mouth? I can actually, lol.

What is the last thing you ate? A piece of banana bread.

Who is your favorite person to spend time with? My husband, my dad, my best friends, my nieces when they don’t drive me up a wall.

Have you ever had tendinitis? I don’t believe so.

What brand of face wash do you use? Whatever store brand version of the expensive shit is on sale.

Do you know how to grill a steak? I mean, I know HOW to, but I am horrible at knowing when it’s cooked the way I want it.

What were you wearing the last time you were kissed? What I am wearing now.

Have you ever been to a purse party? I don’t know what that is.

Would you ever use an online dating service? No.

When is the last time you weighed yourself? Blah.

Do you mosh when you go to concerts/shows? Not really. I finna not be in the pit.

Do you like Gushers? Eh.

Are you good at multitasking? For the most part. I am always multitasking in one form or another at my job. Like now for example.

When’s the last time you went to a nightclub? I don’t think I’ve been to a straight up nightclub, but I have been to bars that had that vibe.

Where did you buy your favorite pair of jeans? Torrid.

Do you have a large dog? I don’t have any dogs.

What is more annoying: A sore throat or a headache? A sore throat because that means I’m actually sick. Headaches can come and go whenever.

What was your GPA last semester? ---

Do you like walking places? I don’t mind it but I get VERY anxious when people are walking behind me because I feel like I am inconveniencing everyone all the time and I am a slow walker. Also, some times I can’t breathe out of my nose so when I am walking I lose my breath quicker and it’s embarrassing.

Are you a fan of bands most people don’t know of? I don’t know, ask other people.

What time is it right now? 8:10am.

When’s the last time you wore goggles? I have no idea.

Have you ever been to Europe? No.

Do you yell at other drivers while you drive? It’s one of the requirements for a Chicago-issued driver’s license. Haha, but really, I do sometimes, to myself. I find myself yelling “DRIIIIIIIIVE” very often when someone in front of me isn’t moving at my desired speed lol.

Are you good at playing Darts? No.

Can you legally consume alcohol? If not, do you anyways? I can.

Do you like zebra print and would you wear it? I don’t think I’d wear it.

Are “school friends” and friends different to you? I’m not in school anymore.

When is the last time you laid out and tanned? I don’t really do that.

Would you rather date a brunette or a blonde? I have no real preference but I tend to be more physically attracted to people with darker hair.

Do you have friends in other states than your own? Oh yes. Utah, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, Colorado.

Have you ever fake tanned? (Spray or bed) No.

Do lots of kids at your high school do drugs? (At my school it’s normal) Not in school.

What kind of computer do you have? The one I am on is a Dell desktop.

Would you rather use colored pencils or crayons? I like the way crayons feel when I color with them but for teeny projects like adult coloring books I prefer colored pencils.

Can you drive well? I'd say I am a relatively good driver but I get really anxious when I encounter new situations. Like, don’t fucking ask me to drive in a round-about, I don’t understand them AT ALL. Please give me my grid-system all day everyday.

What bothers you the most about your town? I mean, normal complaints about living in a big city; the massive amounts of people and feeling unsafe at times, etc.

Can you actually play an instrument or do you say it to be cool? I can’t.

Flip flops or Birkenstock sandals? Birks.

Do you like breaded chicken sandwiches? Yeah.

Are you a fan of plug in air fresheners? Yes.

Do you like mad libs? I do.

How are you? I’m okay. I’m just tired so I’m feeling out of it, but I have a lot of exciting things coming up and I’m looking forward to them.

Besides this website, what other websites do you visit frequently? Twitter.

What part of your body are you most insecure about? All of it.

What’s one food you would be surprised to hear that someone doesn’t like? Fries would be a weird one for me to grasp.

Do you think your voice is higher or lower than average? I think it’s somewhere in the middle.

Have you ever slept for such a long period of time that you felt tired throughout the next day? Yes. I hate that I can’t find a good sleep balance. It’s either not enough or too much and I just want to feel AWAKE for once in my life.

Are you comfortable discussing bodily functions with your friends? To an extent, sure.

#surveys

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mr-s3lfdestruct · 10 months ago

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Guilt. So much fucking guilt it makes me sick.

What the hell is wrong with you? Do you understand that you being like this is ruining everything?

I can’t help it. I’m so fucking exhausted and all I can do is lay in bed and mumble incoherent nonsense to whoever I’m talking to. I’m so tired, I’m so weak, I’m so scared, but I’ve never felt more pathetic

Is this what I get for not opening up? Is this what happens when I sit and let it fester? It consumes me? Is that it? I don’t understand, I did what I was supposed to, I never talked about my problems and I never inconvenienced anyone with them. But now I’m just a shell of who I once was? I’m lacking energy, motivation, honestly the will to keep myself alive at this point. I’m hurting people because of it, I’m hurting people for being like this. I promise I haven’t forgotten about them! it eats me alive every day. I want to be better for them, but it hurts so much. I just wanna lay here and let myself rot, to surrender to whatever’s eating me and let it continue picking from my bones. I have nothing left to give, I’m useless and I’m obsolete now.

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hopelessiris · 1 year ago

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It’s the feeling of being tired of having no say in the space I live in.

That if I make a complain, those who I try to relay it to, they become defensive and it becomes less about equal respect and more about how I hurt them or how they suck and hurt people. They themselves saying it and victimizing themselves.

I literally just want my parents to not always say yes to my sister bringing her kids over. Take care of them, that make sense. But does it ALWAYS have to be our shared home?

Is there not any space for you both to go over there and take care of them?

If I bring that up, I’m the bad guy because I don’t want to share my space. But forcing it also makes me the bad guy because I was NEVER a part of that conversation.

Push myself into a corner even more because I don’t want to share my space all the fucking time.

Fuck my right to it just because I don’t make enough money.

This is one of those moments that make me feel like I don’t have respect from my parents as an adult. Or my sister. They all have such a lack of awareness when it comes to my time or space or they just assume for me which makes me even more pissed.

It’s like I don’t even live here or have a say.

My values for running a house are 180 to my parents because I’m sick of living in this type of household. I’m sick of hierarchal rules or misogynistic reasoning. I’m sick of just plain ignorance and not doing anything about it. I’m sick of shoving myself in a room. I’m sick of not being equals to my roommates. I’m sick of not having a say.

I’m sick of feeling so personal while just living at home. I’m sick of thinking about how people are “hurting” me or inconveniencing me. I hate that I’ve become so selfish because I don’t have room to breathe. I don’t always want to think about my space like this.

And I know I won’t have to anymore with moving out. Which is why I didn’t say anymore words that were fighting words. It really doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t have to try so hard to fight for equal respect here. I will conduct myself respectfully till I move and onward.

0 notes

mosskelp · 1 year ago

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Fixing Trouble in Paradise

Sed and Moss get into their first fight as a couple, and neither of them are sure how to address it. Words left unsaid bubble into words that neither side mean. Sedna leaves to clear his head, and Moss runs out shortly after.

Warnings: Curse words, arguing, mentions of violence and injury, drinking.

Angst to Comfort, I can’t write them fighting without tearing up lmao

"I am so sick of you having to be the hero all the time! I can't breathe without you sweeping in to protect me from the threat of someone even glancing into my direction!" Moss finally snaps, slamming their hands onto the wooden table. Their eyes are squinted in irritation, shoulders squaring up as if to make them bigger.

Sedna's face drops in surprise, a million emotions swirling through his face. Moss snapped at him? Moss can snap at people? "Excuse me?" He frowns, eyebrows knitting downwards as he stares up at them from their chair.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about! Every time I'm even talking to a stranger alone, suddenly you're right there and if they overstep a boundary - you don't even give me a chance to speak up for myself before swooping in!" They wave their hands angrily, motioning along with their words before pinching the bridge of their nose.

'Oh. That's what this is about.' Sedna clears his throat, sighing out and smoothing his hands over the front of his shirt. “I just want to protect you, you’re important to me Moss.” A part of him feels offended, couldn’t they see that? He was just looking out for them. “I know how much you hate inconveniencing people and making others uncomfortable! I’m helping you grow a bit more thick skin.”

“I can’t grow a thick skin if you’re always protecting me! You aren’t giving me any room to grow and find my own footing! I spent years on that island alone with just the elements- I think I can handle some old man asking if I’m fucking single!” They’re mostly rambling now, hands flapping around as they speak. Moss’ throat burns, frustration welling up behind their eyes. They hate getting confrontational, getting snappy. It makes them sick and shaky, something they’re putting all their willpower to not show right now.

Sedna’s eyebrows furrow, mouth twisting into a frown. “I obviously ‘swooped in’ because you were uncomfortable! It didn’t look like you’d be standing firm anytime soon.” He stands, slamming his hands on the table in front of him slightly. Moss jumps and he cringes a bit.

“That’s what I mean though! You always assume that I’m not going to and swoop in before I can stand up for myself! You literally cut me off just as I was starting to tell him to back off!” Moss starts to tear up a bit. They didn’t feel like he was listening to them.

Sedna finds himself growing angry, fingers twitching as his mouth settles into a thin line. Moss feels themselves gnaw at their lip with anxiety at his glare. “Well I’m sorry,” His voice is condescending and lilts into something bitter before he continues speaking. “But do I need to remind you that someone here almost fucking died, all because they didn’t want to ‘inconvenience us?!’” He watches Moss turn their face to the ground and scoffs. They feel guilty and he can tell. The same feeling starts to ebb at his gut, twisting around, but now that he’s started he can’t stop. “You set us off course for weeks, made us all worried sick - I didn’t sleep for a week! But you just didn't want to go home!” Sedna watches the way their lip trembles and draws into himself for a minute. The way that Moss just stands there silently makes him anxious and irritated at the same time. “Are you going to say anything?” He takes a step towards them, but they step back. He flinches. “Moss?” They don’t move away as he gets closer, but he frowns at the way they’re shaking. “I’m - I’m going to go take a walk for a bit while we’re in port. I think we both need the space.” Sedna doesn’t want to leave. He wants them to say something - anything - but he knows pushing them to talk right now isn’t the answer. He looks at them before he leaves the room, hand lingering on the doorframe as the two of them stand frozen still. And then he leaves.

As soon as Sedna closes the door Moss begins to break down. He was right - he may have overstepped a little bit but he had good, genuine intentions. All they did was clam up on him, though. Go silent. “Fuck.” They curse, hands reaching up and tangling into their hair. “Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.” They lean over, tears falling from their face. Their hands twist in their hair, stinging their scalp as they pull on it slightly. Moss wants to leave. They feel like they have to leave. They take a sharp inhale of breath, messily stumbling over to the door and peeking out the small window.

Moss watches as Sedna leaves the ship, and they frantically look around for Koya, Aion, Neth or Keebia. It seems like they were the last two on the ship. They shakily reach their hand up and pull the door open. The sea air hitting their face calms them down a bit, albeit it stings their watery eyes. They can’t be here right now. Their steps are slow on the ship deck, worried about anyone seeing their current state, or getting caught. What were they worried about getting caught for? They shake their head at the thought, stepping off the boat. Moss reaches the ground. And sprints to the closest forest they see.

Sedna lightly smacks himself as he walks to a nearby tavern, angrily grumbling at himself. He left impulsively, but he knows when Moss clams up they just need some time before they’re verbal again. His walking is faster than normal, and before he knows it he’s in front of the tavern where everyone else already met up. The seafolk sighs before he opens the door, immediately giving a lazy wave to Koya and Aion. They seem to pick up on his mood immediately. “Trouble in paradise?” Koya scoots into the booth to make room for his captain, raising a hand to ask for another drink. The waiter brings it over wordlessly.

Sedna sits down with a defeated ‘oomph.’ He sighs, putting his head in his hands “I don’t know - it didn’t feel like a fight, but -”

“But it was a fight.” Aion sips from his drink, eye’s closed. “Just not a nuclear one.”

“Yeah.” His head makes a dull ‘thud’ noise as he drops it on the table. “I just got mad. I should have just listened to them instead of being offended.”

“So they said something that also hurt your feelings.” Koya hums out, flicking him on the head. “And you stormed off instead of communicating that.” He rolls his eyes as Sedna groans and covers his head. “It sounds like you both got ahead of yourselves if I’m honest.”

Sedna’s head darts up as he glares at Koya. “I know that!” He sighs, finally picking up his drink and emptying it in one go. “I just!” He sighs again and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Moss just!” His eyes well up a bit as he gets frustrated. “I got heated too quickly and they flinched. I know that they snapped at me first but did I really have to hit the table like that?” His head hits the wood below him again. Koya and Aion both sigh, looking at each other.

Aion pats Sedna on the head, looking at the deflated seafolk. “Maybe you should just keep some space for now. You both got upset, but you’re both mortal. People make mistakes.”

“What if I scared them away?” Sedna’s voice is muffled, but the two hear him nonetheless.

Koya lets out a hearty laugh, which soon turns into a slight wheeze as he wipes a nonexistent tear from his eye. “Do you not remember our first overtake? Moss got stabbed and they didn’t cower away.” Aion turns to Koya, making a motion with his hands, but Sedna jolts up as the damage is done.

“Moss got stabbed??” He knocks over his empty glass, eyes wide. He’s quick to slump into his chair again and his face returns to his hands. “And you two knew?”

The two look at eachother, before Aion looks at Sedna. “What did Moss get mad about?” They place their large hand on Sedna’s arm, keeping their voice calm.

“He didn’t know?” Koya looks at Aion, who shakes his head. “Oh fuck.”

Sedna sits there for a moment, and his mouth opens and closes. Like a fish out of water. “They said I was too protective.”

“And you were mad because?” Aion asks, looking at his friend.

“Because they hide things to not worry others.” Sedna grimaces, eyebrows furrowing.

“You two are running loops around each other.” Koya butts in, taking a drink from his cup. “What you’re both doing is leading to the other doing it more. The only way to, y’know,” He makes a rolling motion with his hands, squaring his shoulders a bit. “Get over it, is to talk to each other. Moss may have gone about it the wrong way, I wasn’t there, but you should both be trying to talk it out.”

“Wow Ko, didn’t take you to be one for relationship advice.” Aion chuckles and elbows him, ignoring the glare sent by the redhead. “Especially with what you got going on with Mr. Fixer Upper.”

The redhead groans in response, rubbing his temples. “Don’t remind me? He hasn’t talked to me in a week unless it’s work related.” Koya looks up at the now quiet Sedna, reaching out a hand and flicking him on the forehead. “Seriously, though, once you’re cooled down I think you should try and talk to them about it again. They’re perfectly reasonable to talk to, most of the time.”

Sedna’s mood starts to lighten, and he even musters up a bit of a smile towards the two. He looks between Aion and Koya, though, and quirks his eyebrow. “Trouble in paradise, Ko?” He laughs when Koya just hits him in turn, stealing his glass soon after.

Moss finally slows down their run, wheezing and leaning next to a tree. The world is spinning to them, every breath is laboured and forced. They lean over and clutch a hand over their heart, twisting their shirt. Once they’ve caught their breath, though, they finally take a minute to take in their surroundings. There’s trees as far as they can see, swallowed by inky blackness beyond that. They can hear water nearby, the sound of water spilling past rocks. Moss doesn’t remember what direction they even came from, though. They’re lost. “Fuck.” Defeatedly, they press their back against the rough bark and slide down until they’re sitting on the ground. “I probably shouldn’t have ran off like that.” They mumble, curling their knees under their chin. Their fingers fiddle with the grass below them, and they sigh before gently knocking their forehead against their knees. “I shouldn’t have snapped like that, either.” Moss sniffles and rubs their eyes, sighing frustratedly.

They stand, but wince once they put weight on their right foot. They look down, noticing a nasty looking gash near their ankle. They also finally notice the lack of shoes and groan, throwing their head back dramatically. “Can I just think for once?” They continue to talk to themselves, chastising their actions. “Gods I am so fucking stupid.” Moss starts to walk, limping slightly now. They head towards the sound of the water, taking breathers to lean against trees on the way. “Owowowow.” They complain as they go, finally pushing themselves through a few bushes and coming across the source of water they were looking for.

They let out a breath at the scene in front of them, taking in the scenery. Hundreds of fireflies blinking about, providing a gentle glow to the area. A small waterfall leading into a large pool of shallow water. Moss’ lips quirk up into a small smile as they take a seat on the ground next to the water, slowly dipping their injured foot in. “Sedna would love this place.” They lean back onto their arms and frown, thinking of their argument from earlier. “I’ll take him on a picnic here as an apology.” They lift up a finger to let one of the fireflies land on it, tilting their head onto their shoulder and sighing. “Yeah. I’ll bring some candles and good wine. That should make up for it.” Once the firefly has finished its short break, Moss lies down with their arms cushioning their head. “Right?”

Sedna laughed with Koya and Aion, supporting Koya with one arm as they walked towards the ship. The three of them had been talking for a while now, and the redhead had gotten a bit ahead of himself drinking. Sedna still had to talk to Moss, too, and he swallowed at the thought. His heart skipped a beat once he saw the ship. “What if they’re still upset at me?” He stops, causing Koya to drunkenly lurch forward and back. “What if they want to split up?”

Koya’s mumbling is mostly incoherent, but he’s glaring at Sedna. His face is a bit green, and his eyebags are even more prominent. “Whipped.”

Aion chokes back a laugh, shaking his head. “I’m sure it’s fine, Cap. Moss is probably worried about the same things you are right now. Just take them out for a meal or something tomorrow.” Their footsteps sound heavy on the plank heading up to the boat, and once they’ve reached the deck they take Koya from Sedna. “Go get em tiger.”

Sedna snorts as he rolls his shoulder, but he still has that line of worry in his brow. “Thanks, Aion.” He sighs, squaring his shoulders as the two walk off. “You can do this, Sedna.” He lifts his hand up, hesitating before twisting the knob. “Moss? I wanted to apologize for earlier.” He looks into the room and stops, breath hitching into a gasp. “Moss?” He backs up, stumbling and tripping on his feet. Sedna falls on his ass, breathing starting to get a bit ragged as he thinks. They left? His world starts to spin as he just tries to breathe. “I didn’t mean to.” He doesn’t even register that someone is next to him until they put a hand on his shoulder. His head whips around and he makes eye contact with Keebia. “Keebs.”

The dryad looks a bit worried, as well as mildly shocked, but smiles at the seafolk. “What’s wrong, boss?” Even sitting down, the dryad still dwarfs Sedna.

“Moss and I got into a fight.” Sedna breathes now that someone is around to ground him, running a hand through his hair. “I got back after cooling my head, but now they’re just,” He sniffles a bit, eye’s burning again. “They’re just gone. What if they left?” He crosses his legs and Keebia shakes his head.

“Moss probably went for a walk to calm down. They’re a dryad, being with nature is going to calm them down the quickest. It is nighttime, though, so it’s probably a good idea to go find them. They might have fallen asleep somewhere.” Keebia finishes speaking, helping Sedna stand up. Sedna nods and goes to leave, but not before he sees Moss’ shoes by the door.

The dryad looks a bit worried, as well as mildly shocked, but smiles at the seafolk. “What’s wrong, boss?” Even sitting down, the dryad still dwarfs Sedna.

“They forgot their shoes.” He frowns, picking them up and putting them into a bag. He slings it over his shoulder, before sighing and heading off the boat.

Moss sighs, wincing as they fully clean out their wound. “How am I supposed to get back like this?” They close their eyes and chew on their lip. “I don’t even know where I am.” They look up at the sky, eyes reflecting the stars as they continue their monologue. “Sedna’s probably having a heart attack about now.” Moss laughs quietly to themselves, but it settles into a frown and they curl into themselves again. Their thoughts start to run rampant as they think about Sedna, and before they know it they can feel tears start to run down their face again.

Sedna leans against a tree, breathing heavily as he makes his way through the woods. He had been almost running this whole time, and the heat of the night paired with it wasn’t helping. He wipes some sweat off his forehead as he takes in the area. He’s looking at the ground, hoping for footsteps, but he doesn’t see anything. He sighs, still catching his breath, but he sees something glinting in the dim moonlight. Sedna squints, leaning down and running his fingers on it. It’s wet, and when he lifts his fingers his heart jumps to his throat. “They’re hurt.” His heart hammers against his ribcage and he looks around, a new flood of anxiety pumping through his veins. He notices now, though, that it left an easy to follow trail for him.

Sedna speedwalks to get to Moss, and he can’t help but space out as his mind spirals. The only sound he hears is the blood rushing past his ears. His walk turns into a jog, which turns into a run, and finally - when the sound of blood through his ears is replaced by water against rocks - he comes to a sudden halt. Moss is right in front of him. God, they look so small to him. Their knees are tucked under their chin and their arms are wrapped around themselves. He wants to rush in and hold them, but he can see that their face is wet. His heart twists and he can’t will himself to move.

Moss’ throat feels sore as they stare at the water, their face is sticky and their eyes are puffy. Their feet are still in the water, likely gone wrinkly but they can’t find it in themselves to pull them out. They can feel the odd firefly land on them every now and again, but they don’t bother to move. They look at their reflection in front of them, grimacing at the sight. “What if he doesn’t even want me to come back?” They sniffle, burying their head into their legs. “What if he leaves me behind?”

“I’d never!” Sedna’s voice catches Moss off guard, and they whip their head around to see him. “I wouldn’t leave you.” He’s crying himself, but he steps around the bush in front of him and takes three long, quick strides towards them. He drops to his knees with no hesitation and his hands go to grasp their face, but he stops. “I can’t.” He smiles at them through his tears before continuing on. “I’m in love with you. I will always be in love with you. Even if the gods hid you away from me, I would never stop searching for you.” His hands finally meet their face, gently cupping their cheeks. “I’m sorry for being overprotective, I was just so worried about you all the time. Especially when you get sick.” Sedna’s hands shake and his lips quiver, so Moss reaches out and wipes his tears away. He leans into their touch. “I just got scared that I was going to lose you. I was thinking about how little you had been with me and how quickly you were going to leave. And the thought terrified me. It still terrifies me. I’m sorry, I -” He crumbles into them and sobs, pulling Moss close to him. “I must have made you feel suffocated. God, I’m an idiot.”

“No you aren’t!” Moss wraps their arms around his shoulders, pressing their foreheads together. “I should have talked to you about this ages ago. But you’re right, I shouldn’t have bottled everything up. You’re all right there for me to talk to and I ended up hurting you by trying to avoid doing just that.” Their lips quirk upwards as they look at Sedna. His lips are slightly parted and his eyes are just as red as theirs. “All you’ve been doing is worrying about me. I’m sorry.” Moss’ eyes shine with fresh tears.

Sedna’s hands make their way around Moss’ waist and he nuzzles his nose against theirs. “No, no, don't cry Mossie. You’ll dry out if you keep going at this rate.” He places gentle kisses on their cheeks, laying them down on the ground.

Moss can’t help the giggle that blossoms in their throat, finding his actions ticklish. “You can’t say much. You’ve been crying just as much.”

“Not just as much.” He whispers, lying down next to them and pulling them close. He takes a minute to admire the fireflies gently floating around, the way their hair is splayed around them and the redness on their cheeks. “You scared me, is all. I thought you left.” He lifts a lock of their hair up and places a kiss on that, too. “Forever, I mean.”

“What??” Moss looks at him incredulously. “I’d never - I couldn’t!” They look at his face, and soften when he looks at the ground below them and blushes. “I left the island to be with you. I wouldn’t leave after a mild disagreement.”

“I was scared.” He admits, still not making eye contact with them. “I never thought I would be like this with someone, and it’s so new to me. Sure, I have the fear that Koya or Aion are going to die in the throes of battle one day. Or that Mom and Pops are going to get tied up with some old enemy of theirs. But with you I,” He hesitates, finally looking into their eyes. Moss’ breath hitches at the way his gaze seems to hold them above anything else. “With you, the thought makes my stomach curdle and my heart stop. It makes me want to keep you on a silk pillow sometimes.” He laughs when Moss quirks an eyebrow at him. “I know, you’re fully capable of protecting yourself. But you also need to tell me things, too.” Sedna’s hand slides up onto their cheek, and he holds their face still. “I heard you got stabbed?”

“Ah.” Moss looks at the ground this time, but can’t run away from his gaze. “They told you?”

“Koya didn’t even know it was supposed to be a secret.” He runs his thumb over Moss’ bottom lip, eyebrows furrowed. “How did you even hide it? Getting stabbed isn’t a small injury.”

“It was shallow.” Moss starts, nestling themselves closer to him. “And I used some plant matter to heal it quicker. I don’t do that often, though.”

“You can do that?” Sedna grins, propping himself up on his elbow. “Why didn’t you tell me before that you could do that?”

“I don’t like to.” Moss says, looking up at the sky. “I need to suck the life out of the plant I’m using. I can feel it dying, Sedna. I hate doing it.” Sedna’s eyes widen and he blinks for a moment. His mind racks for something to say, but he finds himself wordless. “It’s different than when I’m eating, or picking flowers. I feel like I’m killing something.”

“How did you find out that you could do it?” Sedna’s hand slides down their body and he begins to fiddle with the hem of their shirt. “I don’t imagine that it’s something you’d be searching for.”

Moss hesitates. They let out a shaky sigh, looking over at him. “It was years ago. I was thirteen, and everyone had just left. Mother had sealed herself into the tree.” Theis fingers shake as they try and keep a calm tone to their voice, one of their arms reaching up so they could play with his hair. “I don’t remember a lot. It was cold, I couldn’t get a fire going and winter was starting. I couldn’t grow anything, hunt or can food yet either. I was starving so I went to get food.” They make eye contact with Sedna for just a second, but the look of pure worry he gives them makes them look away again. “I was wet and cold. It started to snow and I couldn’t see anything. I fell unconscious at one point. And then it was warm.”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” Sedna is quick to speak. He’s hovering over them a little bit, holding their chin and looking into their eyes. “You seem a bit anxious.”

“No. I want to.” They smile at him, lifting his hand to their cheek and leaning into his touch. “I’m almost finished, anyways.” Another shaky sigh leaves their lips before they continue. “It was spring when I woke up again. Where I was didn’t look like it, though.” Moss lets out a bitter laugh. “Everywhere within ten feet of me was dead. The trees, the grass, the flowers. I tried to grow it back, too! But it wouldn’t! It still hasn’t grown back.” They held his hand to their face as they kiss his palm, and their voice shakes as they continue to speak. “I didn’t die. I should have. But instead the ground beneath me did. Life is supposed to cycle and I stopped it from doing that.”

“You didn’t stop it, though.” Sedna leans down and moves their bangs from their forehead. He kisses between their eyebrows. “It just changed the course it was going through. It went to you, instead.” He kisses their nose, next. “And now, instead of this abandoned little island in the middle of nowhere, I have you.”

Moss rolls their eyes and playfully shoves his shoulder a bit. “You are so cheesy.”

Sedna hums in response, leaning down and ghosting their lips against his as he speaks. “You love that about me.”

“I do.” They wrap their arms around his shoulders and pull him flush against them. Their lips glide against each other into a deep kiss. Sedna pulls back first, but not before giving them a secondary quick peck. “Should we head back soon? It’s getting pretty late.”

“I think I want to stay here with you for a while. Admire the scenery.” He flashes them a toothy grin, nuzzling their noses against each other. “The waterfall and stuff is pretty nice, too.”

“Oh stop it.” Moss laughs and pushes him up.

“Only when I’m dead and gone, my dear.” He echoes their laugh back, snatching their hand and kissing their knuckles. “You’ll have to live with me until then.”

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gogoutori · 2 years ago

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Life update ramble mostly to get my thoughts together.

I don’t think most people in my life genuinely know how sick I am... Its making me end up second guessing myself/self-gaslighting like “maybe I’m not that sick..?” or I’m somehow being over dramatic. But I’ve had several actually disabled people reassure me that I’m not crazy and this is pretty normal for ppl with chronic pain. I have head pain literally every day at some level now but I’m at max amount of meds I can take outside of starting botox as well which I really don’t want to do with my nerves already so screwy. At this point I’ve just normalized it and work around it. I’m really tired though. Thats the thing I think most people don’t get is just how much this shit takes out of you. I did not understand it. I had an educated guess being around my sister but I was not prepared to be put on my ass so much and not be able to just charge through to do things I used to anymore. It sucks and I’m trying to work through understanding it and giving myself grace. But I’m very harsh on myself by nature, so its not the easiest thing to do. On top of people not understanding the depth of how out of it I am, I feel kinda shit for how flaky I’ve been, but at the same time I need to remind myself that I’m literally not doing anything wrong. My health has to come first even if it makes others feel inconvenienced. My people pleasing side hates this lol

But I’m trying to get better at it. I didn’t officially make any New Years resolutions this year, but I’ve started to shrink my world inward since Jan and focus more on my own physical and mental health. Shutting off the news and purposely trying to focus on mostly positive things. Cutting out negativity has helped a bit cause stress is a big migraine trigger. (any heightened emotion can be, but stress and anger are easiest to tip into starting a headache that leads to a migraine) Simplifying my life to focus on happier things has been good ot my mental health too. I had a lowkey intervention with some ppl helping me realize I was far too focused on other people and their problems rather than investing in myself in a healthy way. I haven’t taken on a therapist again yet, but my last one pointed out that I have a very unkind attitude toward myself and will be far more willing to help others first before seeking help for myself, which when paired with my passive nature, I end up getting taken advantage of even if I don’t see it as that. I know this, but confronting it is awkward. Being selfish to me is buying myself nice things, now it means saying no if I don’t have energy to do something or letting myself rest.

I’ve been trying to figure out new boundaries as well. I have to get better at voicing them though. Saying no is hard and I feel like I need to justify it with a reason instead of it just being an answer. I can’t be sure my decline in health is tied to my lack of selfcare in the mental department but I’m sure it wasn’t helping.

Either way, I am on to trying to be healthier for myself this year. There are a lot of good things I’m trying! I’m investing a lot in trying to get my art stuff up and going again. I’m throwing my hat into new cons around the east coast and haven’t been flat out rejected from any yet, which is pretty uplifting seeing as my portfolio is more sparse than I want it to be. I met a lot of awesome new artists at toracon and I’m hoping to see some more artist friends if I make it into any other cons this year. I’m unapologetically into liking what I like rn. (trying not to think about what ppl think about my over tweeting art for what I like etc) I opened a DBA for my sister and I to do more collab stuff and help her take on bigger projects without it messing up her ssi. We have been brainstorming lots of fun ideas and are looking to turn part of the basement into studio space we can work out of. I’m sketching lots of new ideas for apparel designs and I will hopefully get my webcomic and store going by the summer.

A lot of the good things in the works also hinge on how my physical health is, and I’m hoping to keep that looking better as well. ;w; Once we have more stable weather it should help. I lost about 10-15lbs from sleeping through meals or being too nauseous to eat, but once we have warmer weather I want to do a morning walk and eat something more regularly. I think a more stable schedule will help out too. It just gets thrown out of whack when you have to stay in bed cause moving makes your head throb. ;w;

Writing all this down is cathartic for me in a way. like typing a little plan or update to myself. Even seeing post memories come up from past years like “I have a bad headache” reminds me I’ve been dealing with this longer than even I think I have been and I’m not crazy. This whole thing is discombobulated, but its a snapshot in my life for now.

Reminding myself to rest, that I’m not crazy, that good things are to come~

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softluci · 3 years ago

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talking to myself

[to begin, i wanna give a TW for mentions of m/rder, as well as s/icide and s/icidal jokes and thoughts; i know that i personally make a lot of jokes like these and so do a lot of my friends and people in general, but i also know that this can be really triggering for a lot of people, so if you are one of those people, this is not the post for you. take care of yourselves.]

i’m, like, 100% sure that this is something associated with younger people, but in case it isn’t, i’ll just talk about myself. so, i talk to myself a lot. like, a lot. even more than i used to now that i’m alone a lot of the time. and the things that i say (and my friends also say), while they have no basis in reality, they are thoroughly unhinged. and i know that. but! i also find it incredibly funny and i wanted to do a set of headcanons for an mc who talks to themselves like that. some examples of things i say, some of which are things i picked up from my friends, include:

“you’re sick” (/neg) “this is deranged” “the derangement” “i am insane” “i can’t take it anymore” [sobbing] “this is getting annoying, i need a fucking gun.” “i’m gonna kill myself and ruin everyone’s day.” “and it’s like, why, you know?” “i’m gonna start killing people” “oh my god, i’m totally buggin” “get the FUCK—” “every day, i am provoked to rage” [unprovoked, uncontrollable laughter] “this reality...it wants me to be a murderer.” “i will kill.” “i don’t wanna” “it’s an illness that you have” “i would kill myself in front of you and permanently alter the trajectory of your life.” “it is time for the immense power of violence.” “don’t make me get violent~” “okay so just die then.” “i’m gonna rip you apart with my teeth.” “i’ll just die, that’s fine.” and so on, and so forth.

this is kinda long, but whatever, mc is gn, let’s have fun.

lucifer

lucifer liked to think that he’d gotten used to you and your tendency to speak with little to no thought. he didn’t love this about you, but he certainly learned to expect it as the days went by. what he didn’t know, however, was that you talked to yourself. his guess was that you’d been refraining from doing so around him, as there was literally no other explanation for what had just happened to his state of being.

he was on his way to the kitchen, just to get some coffee before heading back to his office, when he heard something hit the floor. it didn’t sound like anything broke, so he wasn’t too concerned, but, nevertheless, he quickened his pace.

he was not prepared for what you said, nor the venom you said it with, as he heard—

“this reality...it wants me to be a murderer, an instrument of evil...fine.”

you definitely weren’t expecting him to approach you as quickly as he did and grab your chin the way he did, but he was making sure you weren’t possessed. upon finding out that, no, you weren’t possessed, you’d just dropped a spoon, he took about seventeen points of psychic damage.

mc, he is old and tired and he’s not used to this new flavor of humans who like to say the most deranged things they can think of whenever they’re slightly inconvenienced. you are shaving decades off of his life. he can’t tell you to refrain from doing that because you have been, so he is going to take it upon himself to try and make your life easier whenever he can. hopefully it’ll work, and you won’t be moved to unhinge yourself from your sanity the next time you make a small mistake.

mammon

mammon is around you often enough to know that you talk to yourself every now and again. nothing too out of the ordinary, maybe some comments about the homework you were working on or whatever you were doing on your d.d.d. he was also around you often enough to know that the things you said weren’t always well thought-out, or thought-out at all. he wasn’t judging, he had no place to, he knew that, but—you know, he can’t say he was prepared for this.

he was on his way to your room, as per usual, when, as he got to your doorway, you were overcome by something vile and you said, “i will kill.”

he has never burst into your room faster. he’s in your face, he’s yelling, his hands are on your shoulders, he’s this close to thrashing you around in hopes that whatever evil crawled inside of you while he wasn’t looking will come flying out—

what...did you say? you made a mistake on your homework? you made a mistake on your homework and your next course of action was to make anyone in a 300 foot radius think you’re possessed? you’re more boneheaded than he thought, and you should feel ashamed at this moment because this is the resident bonehead speaking. moving on, though.

how can he make you into a happier person overall so that this doesn’t happen? if you don’t know, he’ll just attach himself to your hip so he can find out. congratulations, he’s never leaving you alone.

levi

levi is no stranger to saying things he doesn’t mean in moments of stress—this is just what happens when a person spends a lot of time playing games online. he’s said some pretty off-color things during matches, strings of curses, and the like, but he has never said, nor heard anything like what just left your mouth.

“i’m gonna start killing people.”

at first, he didn’t really react, giving you a quick glance and asking, “in the game, right?”

upon being met with silence, he looked to see you gripping your controller too tightly to actually use it, and asked again, “in the game, right?”

you blinked, apparently freed from whatever rage induced trance you slipped into, and turned towards him, “did you say something?”

he blinked at you once, twice, like the gears in his head were turning, and then—hysteria.

he has you pinned to the floor with your wrists above your head, horns protruding from his scalp, and he is screaming—who are you, what have you done with mc, tell him your name before he summons lotan, leave his friend alone, and so on and so forth. he was interrogating you before you could even process the situation enough to feel fear.

once he got over the bulk of his panic, he heard you screaming back at him, telling him it was you, you weren’t possessed, just talking to yourself, and let go of your wrists before he breaks them—he understood, kind of. he has no idea why you’d choose a phrase like that for when you’re annoyed, but at least you weren’t possessed! his henry was safe after all ^_^

he was so relieved that it took him a few seconds to realize he was still…pinning you down…and straddling you…so, naturally, more hysteria.

satan

he’d actually grown fond of you and your tendency to speak with no thought or regard for the consequences of your actions—mainly because it stressed lucifer out, but he was fond of it nonetheless. it made you all the more interesting, more fun to talk to, and it helped him read you better. he liked to pick you apart by way of conversation, and he liked to do it as often as possible.

presently, he was on his way to the library to meet you. the two of you were set to talk about a series you decided to read together. as he approached the doorway, he heard your voice, but no one else’s. he smiled in place of a laugh. were you talking to yourself? how cute—

“every day...i am provoked to rage unimaginable. why?”

before you could even finish exhaling, he was above you, holding your face in his hands. from the glow of his eyes, you could tell he was barely keeping it together, but you had no idea what was wrong. did he hear what you said?

he said your name carefully, swiping his thumbs under your eyes. “have we been spending too much time together?”

he was rubbing off on you, in the worst possible way. how could he have allowed this to happen? what has he done to you? where did this anger of yours come from? it has to be because of him. it would hurt, but he would distance himself from you at once, if that’s what—

“ah, did you hear what i said? i talk to myself like this all the time, satan, i’ve been doing it since before we even met. sorry if i frightened you.”

he blinked, hands dropping to your shoulders. he was relieved, but so, so confused.

“well,” he started, “then let’s talk about that instead.”

asmo

if you’d been refraining from talking to yourself around lucifer, you definitely did it for asmo too. there was no one in this house who wanted to see you angry less than he did. anger was such an ugly emotion, wasn’t it? he much preferred sadness; it was easier to manage, both in himself and others.

of course, he could never think about being angry or sad when he was with you! how could he, when he’s with one of his favorite people? presently, he was on his way to your room to pick you up for one of your weekly outings. oh, you left the door open for him and everything! he was about to call out to you, but then he heard you talking to someone—he had no idea who it possibly could’ve been because he had no idea you could even sound like that when speaking to a sentient being.

“i will rip you apart with my fucking teeth.”

he had his arms around you before you even knew he was in your room. it seemed like a hug, and in a way, it was! the intent was to keep you in place so you couldn’t run away, rather than to comfort you, but it’s not like you could tell; his arms were around you all the time anyway.

“mc, light of my life, apple of my eye, who are you talking to?”

you twisted in his hold to face him, “i talk to myself all the time, asmo, you can ask anyone.”

he hummed, staring at you for a while before changing his hold on you into an actual hug.

“you had me worried for a minute, darling~”

he didn’t really believe you, but he figured he would know if you were lying, and he could definitely handle whatever vile thing wormed its way into you while nobody was looking. best case scenario, he really didn’t have anything to worry about, and worst case scenario, you started speaking in tongues in the middle of majolish. if the latter happened to occur, he was strong enough to purge a lower demon from your body. it might hurt a lot a little , but at least you’d be safe!

beel

for the most part, beel didn’t feel any particular way about your inclination to say words with no thought behind them. it was just something you did, like anything else was; he accepted it the same way he accepted everything else about you because that’s what friends do for each other. however—he would be lying if he said you didn’t upset him at times.

like today—he was set to do his homework with you, on his way to the living room with an armful of snacks, when he heard something like the tip of a pencil breaking. it didn’t bother him, but it seemed to bother you. a lot.

“i—i’ve had it, i’m gonna kill myself and ruin everyone’s goddamn day.”

all of his snacks scattered across the floor when he dropped them to get to you. his hands were on your shoulders, but he wasn’t grabbing you. fortunately (or, unfortunately), belphie did this around him all the time, so he knew what to do, albeit it wasn’t much.

slowly, he pulled you into a hug. not a crushing one, but enough to keep you from going anywhere.

you started to explain yourself, telling him you do this all the time, that you didn’t mean it, that you were fine. it did nothing to reassure him because those were all of belphie’s usual phrases, but he appreciated the sentiment.

“i know,” he started, pulling away from you. “i’m just making sure you don’t go anywhere. i like having you around. that’s all.”

belphie

alright, this house isn’t big enough for the two of you. he is the vocally unwell person around these parts, he is the one who everyone is concerned about at all times, thank you very much. he was the one who made the jokes about death. he was the one with the concerning one-liners. that was all him. he wasn’t proud of it, he didn’t like the fact that things were this way, but it was what it was. he didn’t want you to be like him, and yet, there you were doing exactly that—even if you didn’t know.

he was in your room, in your bed, actually— unbeknownst to you—because he was having trouble sleeping. you were somewhere in the house, on your way there, and once you arrived, it seemed like you were stressed. he didn’t know for sure, but he had a hunch that something was just eating away at you because as soon as you came in the door, you threw your bag on the ground and said—

well, you didn’t say anything, at first. the first thing you did was laugh. it was unrestrained, loud, and completely void of joy. and then, you said, “i can’t—i can’t fucking do this, i’ll just die, that’s fine, that’s okay.”

he sat up faster than he has in the last century, deciding to be merciful and overlook how hard you gasped when you saw he was there.

“belphie? why are you in my room?”

he stood up, approaching you at a snail’s pace, “i couldn’t sleep, i was waiting for you, next question—why did you say what you just said?”

before you could even start your usual explanation—you do this all the time, it’s fine, you’re fine—he was speaking again.

“and don’t—don’t even try that, ‘it’s fine, ask anyone,’ shit with me, that’s my go-to, so you’re gonna have to come up with something new.”

he looked at you expectantly, reaching behind you to close the door, locking it soon after.

“belphie—”

he pulled you to your bed, falling onto it with you and holding you in place.

“i have been doing this for much longer than you, and i will be doing it for a long time after you. i’d like to postpone the latter for as long as possible, so i would appreciate it if you talked to me.”

#i have had this sitting in my head for MONTHS but anyway #yea something is definitely not right with me #but also like... it's ok; u can laugh; it's funny >:]#obey me #obey me scenarios #obey me headcanons #obey me imagines #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me levi #obey me satan #obey me asmo #obey me beel #obey me belphie

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jewishrizahawkeye · 2 years ago

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i’m sorry to post about the sorority again cause it’s annoying i know.

but i’m literally thinking about how my thyroid medication was to low and how it only worked if i wasn’t under a lot of stress but the smallest amount of stress would send me into horrible sicknesses where i could barley move from my bed. (i’m not kidding i was unable to move from my bed all week and barley has enough strength to use the bathroom right next to my bedroom without having to take a three hour nap after a trip because i was so fucking exhausted). and like at that time i was grieving my fathers death and being a full time college student. then on top of that i was told i needed to put this sorority above all else even before being the recording secretary. like the president hates me already and had that affect how she treated me in her position. she said constantly i didn’t care even though every event or practice i gave my literal fucking all. but it barley seemed like anything because i always gave my all. i always gave it my everything but that was never enough and even when i greatly inconvenienced myself by being the DD and driving people everywhere without asking for anything because if i asked for anything in return besides a thanks people would get annoyed.

like i’m not kidding when i say that i was in so much pain and suffering and my world felt like i was in a riptide or tornado. like i was going through hell then i dropped and suddenly i felt nothing. like i was able to finish the semester with no side affects and move on.

like whenever i write a poem and describe my time in the sorority as like giving my body parts or having myself cut open and begging for it to end and being called selfish but like… that’s what it was man

#you’re on your own kid you always have been #very anti hero vibes #sorority tag #kelly babels #tw rant #tw personal

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sevlgi · 4 years ago

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the florist pt. 2

requested: yes

group: dreamcatcher

pairing: jiu x fem!reader

genre: angst, questionable fluff

contents: hanahaki!au, florist!jiu. read part 1 here.

warnings: death

synopsis: Minji’s drawing away. You know that; you can see it, and you can feel it deep in your bones. But when you finally realize the pain afflicting her, will it be too late for you to save her?

a/n: I’M SORRY THIS IS BASICALLY FULL ANGST ASLKDFFDSKJN... i’ll do a part 3 if y’all want it 😬

word count: 3.6k

Sometimes, the arrival of a new person changes the way you see things.

That fact had been true for Minji for years; meeting people always taught her something new, whether it was about the world or about herself. And yet, no one had ever been able to change her thoughts about her 6 closest friends, until she found a beautiful girl in her flower shop, begging for help with the blooms in her lungs.

She didn’t mean to resent Siyeon. She shouldn’t have-- you were a stranger, just another person that used your personal connection to her friends to guilt her into helping you. But when Minji saw how dismissive you were to even the possibility of asking Siyeon to save your life, she realized something about her friend, and she realized something about you.

On one hand, Siyeon knew what she could or couldn’t do to help others. Minji had seen her go out of her way to pick up a fallen grocery basket for someone or help an old lady across the street, but she would never try to lift a car to save someone underneath. She knew her limits, and Minji had to accept that it wasn’t selfish of her to protect herself.

But on the other hand, you were selfless. Too much so, really. You hated the thought of inconveniencing the girl you loved, even if it meant that you would die. It took too long for you to convince yourself to even ask Gahyeon for help, just because you knew how touchy of a subject it was for her.

Maybe Minji loved that about you, at the same time that she hated it. And maybe it was something that she hated about herself as she stared at the speckled purple blossoms swimming about in the toilet bowl.

“Shit,” she whispered, wiping droplets of blood off her lips. “It’s getting worse.”

“Obviously.”

Gahyeon looked more grim than sympathetic as she offered a box of tissues to the older girl. She experienced the disease herself for long enough that she knew how painful it was, and she was smart enough to know that Minji didn’t have much time. “How long has it been?”

“8 months.” Minji gingerly plucked petals out from under her tongue, flicking them away. “I met Y/N 8 months ago.”

She could’ve smiled just by saying your name, but she kept her face solemn as Gahyeon did the math in her head. “8 months. It takes 3 months to fall in love, but knowing you, it was probably shorter.”

Minji rolled her eyes, taking a sip of water. “Watch it.”

“I’m just saying,” Gahyeon protested. “But at most, you’ve had Hanahaki for 7 or 8 months. So why are you basically on your deathbed? Y/N told me she loved Siyeon unnie nearly 2 years before she even bothered to ask me for help.”

“Maybe my heart is just weak,” the florist sighed, leaning her head against the wall. “It’s my fault, I fell for a client. A client, Gahyeon, how stupid am I?”

The younger girl scooted closer, wrapping her arms softly around Minji. “You aren’t. Okay? Y/N is amazing, and if I wasn’t so hung up on... if I had the time for it, I could see myself loving her too. You should--”

“Don’t,” Minji warned, eyes narrowing. “Don’t tell me to tell her. I can’t put that on her, and I can’t let her know that I’m in... that I’m in pain because of her.”

“You’re one and the same, you know that?” Gahyeon shook her head. “The exact same.”

But no matter how much she griped, Minji knew that her friend wouldn’t reveal the secret, not until she was lying on her deathbed. She was trustworthy, and she would leave Minji to her own solutions if she asked for it.

Finding a real solution was what would become the problem.

“Hey, Minji!”

Even though you felt awkward with your shoulder pressed up to your face and bags in your hand, you smiled as you squeezed the phone closer to your face. The florist hadn’t picked up on your call, but you didn’t fault her for being busy. “Uh, I’m coming to you to make Gahyeon’s cake like we promised.”

You cursed as you dropped one of the grocery bags, taking your phone in your hand to finish the message so you could check out. “I’m almost there, so wait up for me! I got some special supplies for you too.”

Rounding the corner onto the Love Blossom, you fished your keys out from your pocket. There was a pink jewel-studded one on the chain, new as of just 8 months ago, but it felt like it had always belonged there as you twisted the lock and pushed the glass door open.

To your surprise, Gahyeon was waiting inside, almost looking like she was shielding the door to Minji’s apartment. “Hey, Gahyeonie,” you greeted, attempting to wave. “Good to see you.”

“Hi, Y/N. What’re those for?” she asked, nodding her head at the bags. “Baking again?”

“Yeah, you know me.” You craned your neck, trying to see if Minji was fixing a bouquet somewhere, but you didn’t find the brunette anywhere. Gahyeon, standing smack in the middle of the shop and blocking the door, didn’t help. “Is Minji here?”

“Oh, yeah. She’s just... finishing something.” The younger girl’s smile was disarming, obviously hiding something and yet innocent enough that you could’ve just been paranoid. “You don’t mind waiting, do you?”

Your eyes narrowed, but you shook your head. “So, uh, how’s Siyeon?”

Gahyeon softened at that, sighing, “Still not ready to see you. I’m sorry, she... she feels guilty now, that Minji and I had to help you not die.”

“It’s okay.” To be honest, it was true; despite all the feelings you’d invested into her, Siyeon couldn’t break you just yet, not even after you barely recovered from the Hanahaki disease. “I’ll give her time.”

“I’m grateful for that,” the other girl smiled, squeezing your arm. “On her behalf.”

Before either of you could say something more, the hidden door creaked open to reveal a Minji that was decidedly more gaunt than when you had last seen her. Her cheeks were hollow, lips pale and dark circles unable to be hidden by the layers of makeup she wore. “Oh. Hey, Y/N, what’re you doing here?”

You raised the bags in your hand in answer. “Baking? We agreed a couple weeks ago.”

“Oh!” Minji attempted an apologetic smile, though you still got the feeling that she didn’t really remember. “Right. Gahyeon, I’m fine, you can go home.”

“Are you sure?” the younger girl eyed the florist critically. “Because--”

“Gahyeon. I’m good.” Minji’s tone left no room for argument, and Gahyeon merely waved at you before making her way out. Finally only the two of you left in the shop, the brunette opened her door for you. “Sorry about that. Come in?”

Despite not really wanting to overstep, you blurted out, “So. What was that about? If you’re sick, I can easily go home and bake there...”

“No, I’m good!” Minji tried her best to grin, but something was just lacking. You also noted that she did her best not to touch you, skirting around the kitchen table to be on the other side. “Did you get chocolate like I asked?”

“I did,” you nodded, accepting the fact that she wouldn’t talk about it until she was ready. After all those months, you learned that when Minji was stubborn, there really was nothing that could change her mind. “Chocolate because Gahyeon likes it, but I also got vanilla to make cupcakes for anyone who doesn’t like it?”

She clapped and you played along by bowing, though she stopped so she could start to taking ingredients out of the bag for you. “Oh-- what’s this?” she frowned at the can of coconut cream she held in her hand.

“That--” you snatched it out of her hand-- “is for you. I learned how to make coconut mousse recently, and I thought that while I’m here, I might as well treat you.”

Minji opened her mouth to speak with a smile, but she was interrupted with a sudden fit of coughing. You reached to grab water for her, concern parting your lips, but she waved you away. “I- I’m fine. A bit of a cold, that’s all, I’ll be right back.”

With that, she ascended to her loft again, leaving you with coconut cream in your hands and confusion written all over your face. In all the 8 months that you had known her, Minji hadn’t gotten sick once; she brought you chicken soup when you got the flu and miraculously avoided it, claiming herself to have “immunity superpowers” with that amazingly infectious smile. So it was weird for her to be so affected by a simple cough.

But as you turned back to your cake recipe, you tried to write it off. After all, she’d saved you already... she didn’t owe you any explanations.

Yubin was sweet. A lot quieter than Minji, but she was that calm kind of funny that didn’t really require being boisterous to invoke laughter from you, and you definitely didn’t mind it. “Thank you for coming to shop with me,” you mentioned as you bent down to stare at the label on a folded jacket. “Minji said she’d come, but she’s really busy lately.”

“Yeah, she can be like that sometimes,” Yubin shrugged, pointing a decorative cup out to you. “She insists that she doesn’t like to burden us or whatever.”

“That’s bullshit, but it sounds like her,” you sighed. You folded the jacket over your arm and picked up the cup on your way to the register, Yubin following with her gift for Gahyeon already hanging on her arm. “But I can’t help but think that she’s hiding something from me... just me.”

The younger girl raised an eyebrow. “Really? I mean, Minji’s been quiet recently, but I don’t think she’s treating you any different. If anything, she’s nicer to you than she is to the rest of us.”

You chuckled at that and passed your credit card over the counter. “Right. She is being really nice to me, almost weirdly nice. You know, I brought my baking supplies over to her the other day, and she didn’t even try to throw flour in my face. It’s weird.”

“You’re right that that doesn’t sound like Minji,” Yubin frowned, opening the shop’s door for you as you walked out. “I don’t know, she’s like a different person after meeting you. Doesn’t talk to Siyeon much--”

At the guilty expression on your face, she stopped talking. “Y/N, it isn’t your fault. Minji... she’s just too kind. She never understood how our friend, who saw the effects of Hanahaki herself, could just let you die.”

“Isn’t it my fault though?” You tilted your head to the sky, observing the fluffy white clouds that floated over the skyscrapers of Seoul. “I gave her that responsibility of healing me, she wouldn’t have given a shit if she didn’t have to heal me.”

“Well, if you think that, then you still don’t know Minji well enough.” The other girl laughed softly, shaking her head. “See, it’s less about letting you die and more about letting someone else die. We all know that Siyeon-unnie couldn’t love you on command, but Minji thinks she was callous with how she rejected you.”

“Yubin...”

She held up a hand so that you’d let her continue to talk. “See, she’s selfless. She could’ve turned you away, no matter how much Gahyeon tried to convince her, but she didn’t. Minji can’t handle the thought of not doing something when she could, but she would also never impose on others.”

“Do you think that’s what’s happening?” you asked suddenly. “Is she sick or something, and won’t tell us?”

Yubin hesitated to answer, her expression conflicted. “I want to say no. But it’s... more likely than not.”

You almost reached for your phone, but you remembered how curt Minji’s text messages had been in the past month, and how often she had blown you off. “Huh. Well, I guess we’ll just have to ask her tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Coffee?” your new friend offered, stopping in front of a small coffee store. You followed her in, more and more worried about the florist as you thought about her. Your heart was beating uncomfortably in your chest again, as quick as it had been when you had Hanahaki, just without the unrequited love clogging your lungs like so many months ago.

You leaped onto Bora’s back as soon as you saw her, laughing as she shrieked. Gahyeon, who had been talking to Bora, grinned at the sight of you in your sparkly outfit. “Gahyeonie, happy birthday!”

“Thanks, Y/N.” She took the gift from your hands to set it down on a table, Bora hitching you up higher on her back. “Now that you’re here, will you convince Handong-unnie to let me see the cake?”

“Not a chance,” you sing-songed, sticking your tongue out at the pouting birthday girl. “I spent hours on that cake, I’m not letting you see it before the grand reveal with Minji. Where is she, by the way?”

“Minji?” Bora frowned, finally giving up and letting you down onto the floor. The petite woman scanned the apartment with her lips pursed, swishing her specialty punch in the cup she held. “Mm. I don’t think I’ve seen her today.”

Your eyebrows furrowed at that, and you stepped further into the living room to try and catch the florist among the throng of celebrators. “Really? That’s unlike her, I would’ve thought she’d be here first.”

“I think Siyeon stepped up for organization this time,” Gahyeon offered. “I can... ask her for you?”

You were tempted to agree; after all, it had been nearly a year and a half since you had confessed and gotten painfully pushed away. But then, you had to know where Minji was for yourself-- any information, even if it was given to you by Gahyeon, wasn’t trustworthy unless you heard it for yourself. “It’s fine,” you sighed. “I’ll go.”

“Y/N, are you sure?” Bora asked quietly, catching you in your stride with her hands on your arm. “She’s not exactly friendly towards you.”

“I’m good,” you smiled in an attempt to reassure her. “Really.”

Once you left the two behind, it wasn’t tough to find Siyeon. She stood in the kitchen with Handong, laughing at some joke or the other that you couldn’t hear over the music. To your alarm, your heart hurt a little bit at how beautiful she looked, blonde hair lengthened by extensions and lips colored; but it wasn’t the disease, just a normal twinge of remaining heartbreak as you approached her. “Hey.”

She didn’t turn until the hostess pushed her to. “Y/N. Hello.”

You pursed your lips at her attitude. “Look, I don’t want to talk to you either. All I need to know is where Minji is.”

“Minji...” Siyeon frowned at that, turning to look at Handong, who shrugged. “She still hasn’t shown up? The party started hours ago...”

Handong offered, “She texted me a little while ago, she said she had a cough? It’s not like Minji to be sick, but I’m sure a cough is no problem.”

“A cough?”

The three of you turned to find Gahyeon behind you, her expression a mixture of grim and absolutely horrified. “Gahyeonie..?” Siyeon asked, panic seeping into her voice just like it did yours.

“Y/N, you need to come with me” was the youngest’s only answer as she grabbed onto your wrist. “We don’t have enough time, Bora can drive you to the LB. And--”

“Hey, Gahyeon, what the hell is going on?” you asked, quieting yourself when she hushed you. “Is Minji sick? And if she is, why wouldn’t you tell us? We can buy her medicine--”

“She has Hanahaki.” Your eyes widened immediately and you stopped in your tracks, ignoring Gahyeon tugging at you. She gave up, and tried to soften her words. “Y/N... Minji loves you. And you don’t love her back.”

You stammered, attempting to find the right words to respond. But there didn’t seem to be any-- none of the sentences on the tip of your tongue could even come close to describing what you wanted to say, so you could only settle or saying, “What?”

Gahyeon pinched her lips together, typing something furiously on her phone. “Yeah. It’s progressing too fast, I think, she was on the brink of death when you saw her last. Coughing out full blossoms already, and I’ve already found her choking on her own blood twice.”

“But...” Your mind raced, trying your best to find an explanation. “I’ve only known her for 10 months.”

“That’s how much she loves you, I guess,” Gahyeon shrugged, turning as Bora bounded down the stairs. “Please save her. It might be too late, but- but I don’t want Minji to die without seeing you one last time.”

Bora grabbed you then, not giving you a minute to even ask if it was okay to leave. It was a short bound to her car in the driveway, and the both of you seemed just as desperate to reach the florist when Bora pressed down on the pedals with close to her full force.

You came dangerously close to crashing into at least 10 cars, and you were sure that you had run a red light, but there was nothing else on your mind as you slammed the car door closed and kicked the door to the flower shop right open. “Minji!” you shouted, craning your neck to try and see up to the loft. “Minji, where are you?!”

At the sound of some weak coughing, you were leaping up the stairs, gripping onto the banisters to move even faster. And there she was, looking all too frail and weak in her bed.

There was a spray of blood on the pale pink comforter, wrapped around her body with minimal effort, and Minji’s eyes were barely fluttering open. “Y/N,” she croaked, hand creeping up to touch your face as you fell to your knees right next to her. Her voice was hoarse, almost gone from the months of coughing up mallow blossoms and blood. “You came.”

“I... of course I came.” Your voice was shaky, and there were hot tears already spilling down your face. “Minji, why wouldn’t you tell me?”

“Not- not your responsibility,” she coughed out. “I couldn’t let you feel guilty for what’s happening to me. It’s not your fault, Y/N, that you don’t love me.”

You sobbed out at that, wiping your eyes roughly with the palms of your hands. “Minji, please...”

The girl lying before you could barely be called a shell of Minji, and no matter what you said, it could only be your fault that her eyes were as sunken as a skull’s. It could only be your face that her wrist was as delicate as that of a bird, that her hand wasn’t even able to support the weight of your head as you slumped down to sob next to her.

There was nothing bright shining in those brown eyes anymore, none of the light that exploded into a thousand golden sparkles whenever you baked her favorite pastries or arranged a bouquet just right. There was no smile on her parched lips, no laughter shaking her entire body or a stupid joke that no one really understood.

All the memories of the Minji that you remembered flooded into your mind, like videos flickering over the nearly-dead girl that you could see in front of you. Minji when she spent hundreds of dollars for your birthday bouquet, Minji when she took you as a plus-one to her favorite concert. Minji when she smiled at coconut tarts, Minji when she presented you with your very own apron for the shop.

Was there something I could’ve said to make your heart beat better?

Said. As what could’ve been Minji’s last breaths began to escape her lungs, your head shot up and your heads reached out to cradle her to your chest, your lips moving faster than you could’ve ever imagined to say those three words out loud. “I love you. Kim Minji, I love you I love you I love you so much, please don’t leave me--”

You couldn’t feel her breathing against you with the force of the sobs racking your entire body, rocking back and forth on the edge of her bed with your hands wrapped around what was left of her familiar frame. “Please,” you cried, her hair damp against your cheek with your own tears. “Please...”

And with the last plea that escaped your lips, she drew in a rattling breath, only to cough it back out with a good 2 blossoms or so. You gasped, holding her away from you and patting her back to help as Minji vomited purple speckled blossoms onto her bed.

“You said it,” she rasped, collapsing. All you could do was continue to cry, the salt of your tears finally tasting sweet on your lips instead of bitter like they did when you thought that the girl you loved was dead.

“Thank you.”

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