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Man I hate being alive

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How is everything so badddddd

Election (duh)

Children are dumber

Adults are dumber

Elderly are dumber

Every system is so broken/corrupt

The stress of it all is actually killing me health wise

My favorite band used AI for their music video

And didn’t notice??

And didn’t do anything when they were called out???

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Please stop perceiving me or I’m gonna fucking end it all oh my godddddd

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I wish there was a way for natori to release the rest of his life’s song catalog so I can kill myself already.

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I think my toxic trait is I want things to be better without having direct confrontation or talking about it.

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I knew I was forgetting one-

4. People will say one thing about me but show the exact opposite. “You’re smart and your opinion matters!” *ignores everything I say* “You’re pretty!” *describes that their worst nightmare is to look like me* “I’m proud of you!” *tells me what I’m doing is not good enough*

Big and Unfortunate Realizations I Have Made About Myself Within The Past Month

1. I already knew I am not my type’s type but I’ve recently just realized that even if I want a boyfriend, I just do not look like someone who is attracted to men.

2. No one has ever been in love with me. People have admitted to having crushes on me but they literally have had a crush on everyone in their vicinity. I was in a relationship for almost 7 years but he admitted to me that he saw a quiet nerdy looking person in class to make his target to take advantage of.

3. I don’t like people being mean to me because I don’t handle it well because well duh but I also don’t want them to be nice to me because I don’t feel deserving of it. I just want people to treat me decently. I used to get so annoyed with my ex because he called himself a background character but he was such a fucking narcissist who made everything about himself. I ACTUALLY want to be a background character. Don’t go out of your way to be nice to me but don’t be flat out mean or rude to me. Just let me give you your tokens or whatever you need from me and we can both move about our days.

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Big and Unfortunate Realizations I Have Made About Myself Within The Past Month

1. I already knew I am not my type’s type but I’ve recently just realized that even if I want a boyfriend, I just do not look like someone who is attracted to men.

2. No one has ever been in love with me. People have admitted to having crushes on me but they literally have had a crush on everyone in their vicinity. I was in a relationship for almost 7 years but he admitted to me that he saw a quiet nerdy looking person in class to make his target to take advantage of.

3. I don’t like people being mean to me because I don’t handle it well because well duh but I also don’t want them to be nice to me because I don’t feel deserving of it. I just want people to treat me decently. I used to get so annoyed with my ex because he called himself a background character but he was such a fucking narcissist who made everything about himself. I ACTUALLY want to be a background character. Don’t go out of your way to be nice to me but don’t be flat out mean or rude to me. Just let me give you your tokens or whatever you need from me and we can both move about our days.

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I feel like I am constantly being reminded that I am not good enough for anyone. Even the littlest things make me want to ram my head into a wall. The people who are supposed to care about me and respect me the most are the ones who I keep disappointing or I just can’t please. I bend over backwards and jump through hoops to try to meet their expectations and I just keep fucking failing.

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tw: sa, abuse

sometimes when i talk about my sa stories (or read/hear about other people’s sa stories), people will reply back saying i/the victim is “strong”.

i know they mean well but…

where is the strength?

i was told i was strong for putting up with abuse but i was also told i was strong for leaving and not putting up with it anymore.

it feels empty.

i didn’t choose to be abused (although sometimes i feel like i am to blame when I shouldn’t) as if it was some sort of workout or marathon or boot camp, it was just a shitty thing that happened.

i think of it like someone getting pushed down a flight of stairs. they’re not brave or strong for getting pushed down the stairs, but they might be considered brave or strong for not crying about it.

that was not me.

i cried about it. i talked about it. i got medicated for it. i continued talking about it. i self-medicated for it. i stopped in the middle of what were seemingly happy moments with my loved ones because i was left in silence for just a little too long.

and it still fucking happens.

every story is different. people are different. recovery timelines are different. pain tolerances are different. crying isn’t bad and healing isn’t linear.

but i refuse to accept any compliment along these lines because of the things i’ve been through that were out of my control.

“being brave is not being unafraid but feeling the fear and doing it anyway.”

unfortunately the bravest thing i’ve ever done is continue living. it’s not that i find it bad that i’m alive (debatable), but that literally everyone still alive right now is doing the same thing every day even under worse circumstances.

i feel sad. i feel angry. broken. used. confused. annoyed. stupid. naive. violated. ugly. disgusted. embarrassed. ashamed. useless. pathetic. scared. sick.

and weak.

so.

fucking.

weak.

…

please don’t call me strong.

…

i am so far from it.

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I can’t believe I keep seeing people say “why can POC cosplay white characters but not the other way around????”

1. I don’t trust y’all to not fucking change your skin color or something else stupid.

and 2. Y’all have so many fucking white characters. Take your fucking pick.

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I HATE HEARTBURN I FEEL LIKE MY INSIDES ARE ON FUCKING FIRE

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I don’t feel safe posting this anywhere else because so many people like her (and are like her) but GOD I fucking hate valeriesvoice on TikTok/Twitter. Like why does she speak about stuff like it’s SO important? No one fucking cares.

Also oooo you think you’re so high and mighty for calling out and making fun of every single thing All Time Low does? Bitch, you’re a fucking Swiftie. Get it together.

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Ngl it didn’t really help when my friends kept saying “grad school/your program doesn’t sound that hard”

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Why do apologies not mean shit to me anymore? I’m not a fucking dish that you can just add some seasoning to and everything will be better! No!

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Ex boyfriend? Check. Friend? Check. Sister? Check. Father? Check.

I’m so tired of being treated like absolute shit

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I’m so tired of being treated like absolute shit

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Yeah I’m sick of being my 28 year-old sister’s babysitter