#I’m pretty sure there’s ableism involved tbh

[disasterhimbo]

Therapists be like: I can tell you’re really struggling, and I may not be able to help you, so the ethical solution to this is to deny you care entirely :)

[ana-snz]

My Dashboard is broken and I can’t see anything at all but tbh it’s kind of perfect timing bc I’m a bit burnt out and probably (hopefully) gonna take a lil break from here. Unfortunately with how much mental energy I’ve exerted over the past few days I’m crashing pretty badly and need to just turn my brain off for a little bit to recharge.

I know a handful of folks think this whole thing was overblown and unnecessary, but I think it did serve to highlight some underlying problems in the community. It sucks to see this pattern of minimization and dismissal that so many of us disabled folks are familiar with in the real world repeat in what is supposed to be a fun place to escape and enjoy ourselves. No one wants unnecessary drama or to argue over something like this, but disabled people also don’t want to be spoken over or dismissed when we’re trying to voice our concerns and point out ableism when we see it. Of course everything can be taken too far, policing the ways people can and cannot express or enjoy themselves on their personal blogs is also not a good or healthy thing to do, but occasionally pointing out harmful rhetoric when it occurs is part of all healthy kink spaces and helps keep our community safe, and it is disingenuous to equate that with being puritanical or overly rigid or moralistic.

Also I think it’s worth mentioning that yes, at the end of the day this is an online community and none of it is That Serious, but by nature of it being it a kink space it is also quite vulnerable and I don’t think it’s abnormal for people to want to feel safe and accepted in it, and that includes other people being respectful of the IRL shit we’ve all got going on, because we’re all real people outside of this app.

I will probably still be lurking (since I’m housebound I have very little accessible to me besides low-pressure scrolling on my phone) and depending on how long this particular crash lasts I might not be gone too long, but just wanted to give a heads up & also remind all my fellow disabled baddies to give themselves a little extra love & compassion this week. It might not seem like a big deal, but getting involved in this kind of discourse (idk why I keep using this word lol, my brain’s just latched onto it) can be more mentally taxing than we realize as it’s often tied to health / medical trauma for many of us.

I hope this doesn’t sound too ✨dramatique✨ lol I just want to highlight that with illnesses that impact energy levels, even things that are important and meaningful to us can put our bodies over their limit and make us sicker, so it’s crucial to make sure we’re pacing properly and taking good care of ourselves. This is supposed to a fun space and if it’s starting to feel more stressful than enjoyable, it’s probably a good idea to take a little break. Love y’all.

(Oh look, another long post! Haha a bitch likes to talk 📢)

[livingfictionsystem]

So, my adhd/autistic freind has a grandmother with NPD who was extremely abusive towards her family, but i’m worried about my friends ableism towards other people with npd. she’s not met very many but she’s under the very common impression that everyone with npd is an abuser and an asshole, and idk if should get involved because her family was so hurt by someone with npd, but at the same time i’m worried about the way she’d behave if she met another person with npd in the future. do you have any advice?

Oooof.

Sparrow here. I'm sorry about your friend's family, sounds like some real generational trauma going on there.

Anecdotal storytime, sorry if this is rambly.

I did, a couple years ago, have a pretty big grudge against Borderline folks. My most recent abuser, Rowan, had borderline. We were on a pedestal, yknow, until we weren't. Same with my cohost's ex, AJ. A shitty ex-metamor of mine has BPD. I was straight up sick of pwBPD.

I know a lot about psychology but even I had this unfair anecdotal stereotype of someone locking themselves in the bathroom and hating you/needing you until you were stressed enough to give them what they wanted.

I knew *I* had some kinda serious disorder and was looking into bipolar when the highly ironic suggestion of Borderline hit me right in the face. And I mean I was TEXTBOOK, still am. I was in denial for a WHILE. The last thing I wanted was to see any reflection of my abuser in me. And people around me didn't really disparage NPD because they already had Xanthe's glittery, spotlight-hogging, self-aggrandizing self and thought they were p cool, but even people I was close with would take jabs at Bordies and I'd laugh along with them. I kept doing intense research just to prove it wrong in me and ended up proving it more and more right.

Then finally, I saw some positive examples. One of my besties in the outerworld has Borderline. Bojack Horseman, of all things, really helped me accept it in myself. I joined some online support groups. I see how loving we are, how creative, how most of us make fun of our own mood swings and our sui-ideation. How protective we are, how our impulsivity ends up with some really cool experiences and connections.

Now I've accepted it. But it would've been a lot harder of a road if I didn't have positive examples. And yknow Borderline is p much a half sibling to Narcissism.

Xanthe and Jasper were my great examples of NPD. Their hyper-independence, how that manipulative side can be used to talk friends out of spirals or abusive relationships, how they make sure everyone who benefits them has some sort of give-and-take even if they have to pull strings to do it, the intense insecurity and self-loathing under the arrogant facade. And omg are they masters at social chess, which is awesome when my tactless ass is floundering in turmoil and people wanna cancel me by proxy.

It's really only gonna be positive rep that does it for some people. Maybe your friend has a fave character that actually fits the NPD profile. (Alastor from Hazbin gives me NPD vibes p hard tbh.) Tons of creatives have it, like literally being self-absorbed is part of being famous lol. If you've got good examples to work with, it becomes a Lot easier.

Even better if you've got someone willing to poke fun at their disorder and educate. I can also always drop more NPD stories/memes/resources for you to have in your arsenal. And even just educating about other traumagenic disorders like BPD and DID and stuff may help other disorders by proxy, the same logic does apply.

But your friend may never accept it. And that would suck. But people want to blame a set of stereotypes rather than the casual cruelty of the universe. It's up to you whether that becomes a topic that you two just can't talk about or if it ends a friendship tbh.

But yeah sorry for the ramble, I hoped the more raw experience might help the perspective. Lmk if you have any specific scenarios or anything!

-Sparrow 🧷

[vimbry]

making a post about my own personal experiences as an offshoot from the one I just reblogged because I don’t want to take away from the actual criticism of weaponised incompetence as a form of misogyny, but it did also make me think of something else

as euphoric as the process of figuring out I'm trans definitely has been, there’s parts aside from the more obvious downsides that have made me even less comfortable with myself in certain areas. and that’s really more on ableism above all else. I have adhd, involving a poor short term memory (but do make up for it by rectifying this through different methods). I’m dyspraxic and my fine motor skills are pretty weak. (pretty sure I’m autistic too which, probably also has some impact on my approach to thing as well). I couldn’t even get a handle on tying shoelaces until my teens lmao. and through a combo of overthinking and judgement/discouragement of my abilities in how I was raised, I second guess myself a lot, which means I often feel like I’m reaching out with too many questions in how to do something which may seem pretty obvious, when I feel confident in asking for help at all. in a new experience/place, I’m so self conscious and have such little intution that I often hang back and watch someone else perform an action first, Just to be safe in “am I doing it right”, which sounds so overcautious out loud, but that’s how it is. and I always wonder how that would look on the surface if I presented differently. it’s not as if people are particulary considerate how I am now tbh, but I know there’ll be that added perception of “lazy useless guy” on top of it.

I can’t really follow/visualise written instructions that well compared to say, diagrams or preferably, demonstrations (thank you ever single person on youtube who does this), and tbh tho navigating grocery shopping is not an example of something I’ve ever had a problem with, those tiktok trends of girlfriends giving their boyfriends illustrated shopping lists honestly have me thinking... damn, take away the peter pan-syndrome/learnt helplessness association and I could really appreciate that. like, in the scenario of being sent to an unfamiliar location, here’s what I want here’s what it looks like, that saves so much fuss and stress.

it really didn’t help that I did read a blog entry once about someone’s experiences with their dyspraxic husband, and how she “knew really he couldn’t help it, but he frustrates me sometimes because it seems to simple to me, I felt like he wasn’t trying hard enough”. and all of the comments were just like, “this sounds so hard for you I’m sorry!” and it’s like. man, I just feel like a huge burden on everyone. it really stuck with me, more so in how absolutely none of the responses cared about the person living with the condition and focused more on how their poor partner was a martyr for living with them. thing is it’s not like, Inherently bad to vent about this. some frustration is inevitable when entering a relationship, it’s a two-way street that people will always have to make compromises in. and I know rationally that’s just one person and their readers’ somewhat uncompassionate and ignorant opinions, but that doesn’t rule out the chance of someone treating/thinking of me the same way.

I mean it’s far from a current worry regardless, because I am absolutely nowhere near the position to do anything about myself re: gender right now haha, but I do think about it. the “males are so useless, have to do everything for them haha!” mindset is garbage bioessentialism that excuses poor behaviour and does nothing but hurt multiple types of people in different ways. it’s cruel to women who deserve better but are groomed to believe a relationship is essentially signing up for motherhood to a grown man, and it’s cruel to anyone who legitimately struggles and isn’t infantilising themselves and utilising supposed weakness for their own gain.

[murasaki-murasame]

Thoughts on Sarazanmai Episode 4: “I Want To Connect, But You’re So Far Away”

Or maybe I should say, ‘I Want To Connect, But You’re Soba Away”? :V

There’s a whole lot going on in this episode, but above all else I’m gonna have the scene with Mabu saying ‘that’s yesterday’s noodle’ stuck in my head for the next while.

tfw you’re yesterday’s noodle u_u

Anyway, thoughts under the cut.

In this episode of Sarazanmai, we learn that on being a teenage drug dealer, Toi has also literally murdered a dude before. Which actually isn’t all that surprising, considering that we’ve already seen him waterboarding a dude with his brother before.

It sure does say a lot about this show that you can say that the reveal of one of the main characters having shot someone when he was a child is almost underwhelming because you’ve already seen him torture a dude, lmao.

I did really like how all of the flashback sequences were handled in this episode, though, especially the secret leaking sequence. This episode in particular makes me feel like I’m missing out because I haven’t watched Penguindrum yet, since everyone says that Nobuyuki Takeuchi [the episode director for this episode and one of the head directors on this show as a whole] was responsible for the best episode of it. But I know him mostly for his work on the first season of Bakemonogatari, and at the very least I can say that you can REALLY tell he worked on that show as well. Especially with all the shots of urban environments and cityscapes and whatnot.

The only thing that really felt weird about the flashbacks was how it felt like Kouki Uchiyama barely tried to change his voice even when he was voicing Toi as a little kid, so that immediately sounded kinda weird and jarring. But other than that it was all great.

You could piece together the gist of Toi and Chikai’s relationship from what we’d already seen of them, but it was nice to get a deep dive into exactly what’s going on. So basically Chikai got involved in gang stuff, stole money from another gangster to pay off his family’s debts, which lead to Toi shooting that dude, and now Toi is trying to become part of the criminal underworld so that he can stay near his brother, even while Chikai is clearly trying to push him away so he can live a normal life.

We’ve technically already heard it from the first PVs ages ago, but Toi’s whole monologue about how anything and everything can disappear and be forgotten is even more interesting now with the whole context of how whenever each kappa zombie gets defeated, they very literally get erased from existence, and from the memories of people who knew them, and even from stuff like photos they were in.

And on the note of kappa zombies, this week’s one was another mostly unimportant background character who was a bit of a sexual deviant that got caught by Reo and Mabu and made into a kappa zombie. It at least continues the trend of the zombie of the week being some sort of a foil to the character being focused on, since this whole episode was about Toi’s history with his family’s soba shop, and the kappa zombie was someone who ran a different soba store, and who basically had a fetish for wanting to use his girlfriend’s bathwater to make a giant soba bowl for them to soak in. With how all of the zombies are silly and exaggerated versions of the sorts of desires that the main characters have, you can see how it relates to Toi wanting to protect his family’s soba shop and live with his brother.

Everyone keeps saying that episode six will be where things really get shaken up plot-wise, but I feel like the next episode might also be pretty interesting, going by what Reo and Mabu talked about with them wondering if they should change things up.

And on the topic of the next episode, I’m hoping that we actually get to see Kazuki’s whole ‘let’s literally kidnap Sara so I can take her place at the handshake meeting all so that I can keep up the weird ruse I have going on with Haruka’ mission play out. It sounds so incredibly bonkers that I just want to see how it goes.

It’s kinda funny that, considering what this episode was actually about for the most part, pretty much everything Kazuki does feels more strange and unsettling than anything Toi’s done. I think it’s mostly because Toi’s motives are spelled out very explicitly, and he doesn’t try and hide any of it, whereas Kazuki’s one big complicated mess of mysterious motivations and feelings. And even though Toi has fully committed to being a criminal, Kazuki is in this uncomfortably creepy grey area where he clearly doesn’t want to acknowledge that anything he’s doing is bad, but he’s also completely willing to happily tell Toi about how he wants him to help him kidnap Sara. He even had a whole map printed out to help illustrate the very specific plan he wants the two of them to go through with to make it happen, which includes Toi knocking Sara’s manager out and locking him somewhere where he won’t bother them. There’s just something distinctly creepy about the boundaries Kazuki crosses and the attitude he has about it, and I kinda love it.

While I’m thinking about it, I should also say that I’m starting to think that Kazuki is very intentionally using his Sara disguise to manipulate Toi. I think he’s already figured out that Toi has a bit of a crush on him, at least in his Sara outfit, and this episode really makes it seem like he’s exploiting that to his benefit. The part where he runs up and hugs Toi stands out in particular, since he didn’t really have any specific reason to be so pushy and suggestive about it. Before the episode came out and we just had the preview images, I thought it’d be the sort of scene where, for example, Kazuki is running from someone and ropes Toi into acting like his boyfriend or whatever, which would have explained the sudden hug and the hushed explanation of what he wants Toi to do, but nah. He just did that, entirely of his own volition, instead of just walking up to him and talking like a normal person. In general he seems to be having a lot of fun getting into the Sara persona when he’s alone with Toi, which I think is very telling in a lot of ways.

I really hope that some sort of a legit love triangle starts to develop here, if only because I think it’ll lead to a lot of juicy drama, and tbh it’d feel a bit weird if a lot of this stuff didn’t actually go anywhere.

And as yet another element of Kazuki being surprisingly hard to understand, we have the whole post-credits stinger scene of him giving his dish to Toi and finally revealing that he actually hates Haruka.

There’s a lot of ways this can go, so for the most part I’m just gonna wait and see, but I agree with basically everyone else that my initial guess is that it’s probably some sort of resentment toward Haruka because of the special attention and accommodations that have to be given to him because of his disability. Which would also make sense based on how apparently the light novel makes it a bit more clear that whatever happened to Haruka might have been a relatively recent accident, and so it might have been a much more disruptive and unexpected force in Kazuki’s life.

As a disabled person, this sort of topic always hits really close to home with me, in some really uncomfortable ways, so even though I’m excited to see where it goes, and I have faith that Ikuhara will handle it well, I’m still kinda apprehensive. It’s not like it’s an unrealistic or ‘bad’ topic to write about, but it just always makes me uncomfortable and self-conscious when stories have able-bodied characters that resent disabled people they know because of their special needs. The fact that Kazuki’s the cagey and neurotic one while Haruka is just a normal little kid who clearly wants to just have a normal relationship with his brother gives me hope that it hopefully shouldn’t at least devolve into straight-up ableism territory.

Either way, I’m excited to see where the next episode goes.

And on a side note, in a few weeks I’m probably going to be importing the ReoMabu prequel manga. I really want to get the light novel as well, but I think I’ll wait until I can at least order both volumes of it at the same time.

[klarsynt-arc]

what’s the biggest pet peeve you have in regards to tumblr?

what’s one fandom you refuse to get involved with and why?

what’s your favorite thing about your mutuals?

what’s one thing that always manages to get under your skin?

what’s your honest take on icons used in the rpc?

what’s one thing the rpc has to realize?

what’s one thing you could improve on?

what’s one thing you think you’re good at?

truthful tuesday  ||  @snipesaw��​

1— i feel like what irks me most changes from week to week tbh i think lately i get really tired of performative posts?  fake outrage, even faux/toxic ‘positivity,’ vagueing about an incident just to be included and make sure everyone knows you’re on the ‘right’ side. i think a lot of times when people troll or someone does something ignorant rpc can be more focused on turning it into a big ordeal and trying to look righteous than actually finding a mature and productive way to deal with it. a lot of incidents on this site wouldn’t be such a huge thing if people just blocked/deleted anons and weird blogs and moved on.  2— honestly,  i’m not sure there are fandoms i’ve like actively sworn off of?  the only thing i can think of is me recently deciding not to follow my mutuals’ solo harry potter blogs. it’s less to do with the fandom and more to me the source material and jkr. i was never that compelled by it when i tried reading the books or when i watched the movies. so it’s pretty easy for me to let go of. i can’t separate the work from the author personally cause the work is blatantly racist and stuff. i just get bad vibes.  3— my dash seems to overall be very supportive and interactive!! there’s a lot of empathy and i tend to not have to see any weird drama or vagueing very much which i appreciate. on a personal level, my mutuals have really made me and emil feel so welcomed and wanted. i never would’ve expected the amount of warmth, interest and encouragement i receive for my boy and this lore. it makes me down right giddy when a mutual makes a tantalus oc or a verse for their muse. and even more so when i see them interacting with other tantalus muses. like it makes me wanna cry it’s my fave thing to watch.  4— ableism in the rpc and the way people will act like you hurt their feelings for talking about how inaccessible trends can be.  5— i like icons to be honest. i’m a visual person and so i enjoy having that tool to help give more imagery to the demeanor of a muse. but that’s also what makes me frustrated when they’re so tiny and over-edited you can’t even really get much from it. it’s just a random splash of colors. i honestly get confused what the purpose is if it’s not created for you and your partner to be able to see your fc’s expression or movement.  6— there is always going to be trolls, ignorant muns, anonymous hate and people you just don’t get on with. it’s never going to just go away. it’s not a tumblr or an rpc problem, it’s a life problem. there’s going to be people who want to get a rise out of you in any community. there’s going to be people you don’t like, there’s gonna be ignorant assholes. i’m never saying to just let harmful people run free or to not care. but at some point you kinda have to choose your battles and learn to deal with things in a productive way that isn’t just wasting energy giving these people exactly what they want with performative outrage and vague posts every time they act up.  7— i often like to put a lot of internal thought process and monologue into my replies, really make it clear how he is feeling and what is making him think a certain way. but sometimes i can go overboard. i’m working on balancing out when to have something internal and when to find a way to have him verbalizing those thoughts and feelings so it can better move both parties forward.  8— i think i’m pretty good at the technical side of writing?  grammar and english were my best subjects in school so hopefully that has stuck lol. i’m very conscious about sentence structures and speech patterns. i just want things to flow well and for my muses to all have a unique voice. 

[talesfromacrip]

d r e a m s:

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(( I’m sick and tired of having nightmares that involve me getting lost, losing someone I deeply care about, or something just, really fucking terrible in general that seems like a good thing, but makes me incredibly sad ))

-

oneI was camping with some people I know. I was walking around and then I got lost. I ended up in a giant field

I was in the middle and called out, nothing came out. I was mute and then I could hear everyone and I ran back and somehow slipped down into a building of some kind? the dream transitioning

I was near a staircase of sorts and then I feel someone grab my back. They then push me backwards into it. I wake up

Nature is scary to me and I don’t like getting lost, but falling down the stairs to my death?? That was an actual thing I wanted to do.. it’s, horrifying to see it happen in a way and feel as well

-

A reoccurring one I have where I’m sittting in an office of sorts waiting to see a doctor. Everyone I knew was coming in and out at leisure once done with appointments and would look at me with a sort of plastic face after. Once it was my turn, I was inside instantly and met with a high backed chair. A woman’s voice spoke to me, asking me all sorts of questions I don’t remember but remember being asked. Felt like forever  In the end they turn around and it was me.. am I like, my own therapist and one for others in some ways? I don’t really know, but it was pretty strange 

-

Had one where I was at another mall/concert venue and this time it was to see some show. There were people running suddenly because someone had a fucking gun. I saw blurred out faces and could only stand there. Didn’t do anything, didn’t move as people ran past me

I then hear it pop somewhere near my ear, waking me up frantically after 

Reason I had this, and i know damn sure is bc there was a fucking shooting not even 15 mins from my house.. How lovely to know 

Like, wtf... I want to take people there when they visit, but now I don’t want to go near it and dreaming of it makes it worse bc I don’t want to even go out

...

I’ll probably just the other dreams up or maybe not, idk. depends

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(( I don’t wanna wake up from them. I have a leave the server mood, which, is pretty awful.

I haven’t thought about that much. Occasionally I will, bu t not this bad.. sigh Internalized ableism is a bitch and so are other things, but shit

I’m glad I’m over something’s in my life,but some stuff just gets brought up again or happens.it overwhelms me so much..so fucking much ))

I hate having dreams of me in places I’ve never been too and never will for reasons that can’t be helped. Obvious ones 

Seeing people I know minding their own business or doing extraordinary things that I’m involved in which I know some will never happen or happen as I’d like

Dreams where I’m running from someone or maybe something? calling out into a dark and empty void. Falling, being alone in the action. Ughh

Dreams where I can’t go outside anymore bc there’s a wall. Kinda like in a video game to mark the end of a map boundary..

it’s like I’m in that black mirror episode of that woman trapped in her mind who can see outside while her body is on this, odd autopilot mode. I wake up feeling so empty bc of these dreams, upset, the whole pie essentially or less

My dreams feel so alive and it’s nice to feel that, but waking up and then having to deal with reality. sinks in pretty fast and hits you with a fatal heart bullet

sometimes I’m dying of heat from them or shortness of breath like I was startled or crying heavily, sometimes I wake up and try not to cry if it’s too much. I’ll occasionally go back to sleep but I’ll just end up in the same cycle essentially. I don’t want that

I start having mood swings from them and feel ashamed when I shouldn’t.it’s not fun to explain what happened in your tiny little head sometimes during the night hours. I act sort of, distant and bitchy in the process and i don’t mean to. I just,don’t like bringing up the same things and sometimes not

especially if someone I know is in them constantly and it’s, personal. Makes things awkward when talking with them 

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I hate having dreams where I’m married to someone who I know doesn’t see me that way and it hurts my heart so much. At least it’s someone who actually cares about me 

I can’t do anything for them though and never will. hurts

idk why my brain thinks I c a n.. it’s a pretty sick joke tbh. Maybe I can do somethings, but not as I’d like. I want to do so much for them, but can’t at all..

I know they probably care about someone else anyway like that who’s just, wayyyy better than me in every way:l

Probably closer, can move easily better than me, nicer than me, more upfront. Not struggling with stupid parents and a stupid crippled lifestyle. Probably makes them extremely happy and not a sad ass mess. Probably  does better art than me, cooks better

Hell, I bet they even look better than me as well.. but who fucking knows?

I can’t even talk to them properly anymore it seems, probably think I hate them or don’t want to do anything with them when I want to so badly, but I just don’t say anything. I don’t want to hurt myself more, but I already am

I resort to small talk and whenever I don’t, I talk about some dumb shit instead of actually saying how I’m truly feeling and all that and it pisses me off..can’t even get married anyway :)) Like, thank brain and heart

I hate having these fluffy dreams of having this life with this person..a comfy one that’s so perfect it could melt your eyes from the sap it produces. It’s so warm, but oh so far away and out of my reach.. physical, mentally..

Obviously I don’t hate it, I just hate how my brain tortures me like this

Sometimes I’ll have dreams where they don’t see me, hear me.. just, ignore me completely. They talk about me like I never existed, say horrendous things.. I know they are not true but it just seems like it

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I wish I didn’t have the ability to dream tbh. Sure it may be nice and everyone’s or somes, "favorite activity", but I just don’t really like it much anymore

My dreams hurt worse than reality and it makes my heartache so badly every time I wake up.. I have to put on my face though and just, go with flow as they say.. to just lay there though, every morning and not being able to do what you like, but can in another state, is so weird and confusing on the mind and body. Mine to be exact. Sure it may as well be the coolest thing ever and may help with your problems and such but it’s just heart aching in general. For me that is, sigh

-

I hate waking up feeling horny because I cannot do anything about it or touch myself as I’d like.. just, sad what more can I say on that?

I do feel happy occasionally from some dreams at times, but then reality hits me like an isekai truck right after and I’m kinda left in this weird empty state in the process when I wake up. -

I cope with them by being a silly ass or what seems to be like a rude bitch, but it’s difficult to just downright say what’s going on. don’t want to ruin anyone’s day with my problems and with everything going on, but I must and I never do? I try?? ughh.. If only I could be a bit better with handling things.

I’ll get there, eventually? We’ll see

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I love and "hate" having dreams about living on my own without a care in the world. it’s as if I never had any problems to begin with; sun shining on my face as I realize over time it’s all just a facade and I’ll wake up soon bc it’s just, too perfect..

something is just, off completely? Like I’d ever have a place with stairs and inaccessible hallways and whatnot.. pshh, I’ve never really dreamt about living in an accessible place or anything like that much anyway  bc of the immense ableism put on me growing up

It’s hard to explain that to people as well and makes you feel, alien in some ways

I thought it was something silly I noticed, but over time it just made so sad bc I will never be able to live on my own and never will, but in my dreams I can. which makes it worse on me bc it’s just, not gonna happen champo

-

cooking foods I like and would like to, relaxing at my own pace with no yelling or screaming, opening the door to warm familiar faces.. hurts

I don’t have many scary anxiety induced dreams like I did last year and before. now they’re just, idk very abled and it’s weird and I don’t like em much  

Idk why i never noticed till the end I guess, but it’s better than dreaming of people who used to hurt you and made you feel like shit about your life and your friends as well so that’s a plus in its own ways

ughh, self torture is a bitch and she’s out to get me ughh

[autismus-obscurus]

hello could you help me, i wanna write a story were onw of the characters is autistic i want a little help is there some sites about it

First of all, I’m very glad you turn to the autistic community. I’m sure you’ve seen this written a bunch of times, but just to be sure: please, please stay away from Autism Speaks. They demonize autism (basically saying autistic people ruin their families and would be better off dead). They promote a “cure” (which means aborting children that test positive for autism genes) and abusive “therapy”. A good post about why ABA is bad is HERE.This is a very good post on what to look out for in research.Tbh, I don’t go on other websites as much, so I’ll put some links of stuff that I know. For a general understanding, you can look into the DSM-V criteria (the offical criteria to diagnose autism). This won’t give you much to write a lively character, but with all the resources, it can be overwhelming. You should also definitely check out the organizations run by autistics, such as the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network and the Autistic Women’s Network.Autism is a spectrum. (See here for an explanation on what that means.) No two autistics are the same, and experience the world the same. An important tip I read was “don’t make autism their only defining trait” (it’s the same with race or sexuality, really). It’s tempting, since autism is literally affect how our brain works, but it’s better to do it in subtle ways e.g.

sensory differences (HERE is an example for sensory issues)

executive dysfunction and how to deal with it

overstimulation (also called sensory overload; common, but not universal)

the empathy thing

Eye contact

Voice stuff

“Atypical” Traits 

How do special interests work?

Comorbidities and how the influence our perception of autism

Example: PTSD and Autism

This is a very cute comic that gives an overview over common issues and how to be a good ally.

For inspiration and relatable things, you can definitely check out the #actuallyautistic tag! If you need examples for sensory things: Sensory hell and Sensory heavenIf you look on tumblr, you’ll find tons of examples for stimming. The trick is obviously to write it in a way that doesn’t degrade it (especially happy flapping has become a meme that basically says people who flap are R*tarded or just insane). That goes for all autistic behavior.

Another big topic is ableism. Warning: You will fuck up. We all do. I’m autistic and I still struggle with internalized ableism a lot. That includes automatically thinking autistic behavior looks weird, or not being able to express it, hell I haven’t even told more than four people in real life I’m autistic. Autistic is still used to mean something negative and you don’t shake that easily. Just be critical of your own thinking.Ableism has many facettes, too many for me to line up here. Some include:

Not listening to us: People who talk are “obviously” too high-functioning to speak about autism, people who can’t talk are not assumed to be able to express an opinion.

Everyone has met at least one neurotypical who assumed they knew more about autism than an autistic person.

Medical ableism: Goes both directions. Either autistics are treated as if we could not make decisions, even as adults, or our problems are dismissed, especially other symptoms

Sexism: Women much less likely to receive a diagnosis or to be treated for medical problems both. Resources masterpost on autism in women

An article about lack of diagnosis in autistic women

Abuse: Can range from emotional abuse (e.g. guilt tripping, gaslighting) to physical (e.g. provoking a meltdown / sensory overload on purpose), usually both

Generally just ignoring an autistic person’s boundaries.

“Autistics are only worth something if they have a special talent” (basically Rain Man)-> dehumanization in general, “we’re not human for not having certain traits / abilities”

There’s also this huge debate on self-dx (see this post for example). In many places diagnosis is expensive and can have a lot of disadvantages (e.g. looking for jobs). Self-dx involves a shit ton of research, months and years of it, really. (Just like you are doing now!) My humble opinion: Psychologists fuck up as well, see the ableism section.

Here is a post on how to get diagnosed as an adult. And here is a post on self-dx!Here’s my story of getting diagnosed (maybe less relevant, but take it as a real life example)

Media representation of autistic people is unfortunately complete garbage for the most part:

This post has a lot of notes with people telling what irks them about media representation of disability in general.Here is a post on why The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time )a pretty popular book that we read in school as “education” about autism) is a bad representationA post on ableism in the series “Good Doctor”I couldn’t find a cohesive review of the show “Atypical” and I haven’t seen it myself, nor do I intend to, but if you go in the #atypical tag the autistic community is very clear that it’s bullshit (and also backed by Autism Speaks, so big surprise)Billy from the new power rangers is autistic! And from what I’ve heard he’s actually well-written. (A post about what the writers did right.)

Things to avoid (unless you present it in the context of ableism / being negative):

cure rhethoric

functioning labels / mental age rhetoric (See this post)

The distinction aspergers and autism (I can’t find the post explaining in detail why it’s bullshit but here’s the short version: Aspergers is an outdated concept (in the new DSM-V it doesn’t exist anymore, you’re just autistic) and it has been used to separate the “good” autistics from the “bad” (it’s ableist and a functioning label basically)

Here’s also an explanation on Aspie supremacists

emotionless character

person first language (Here is a post on why PFL is bad)

white little boy with special interest in trains (they do exist, but it’s overdone)

he’s autistic BUT- (insert special ability) Click Here

Here is a post explaining our preference for the autism label above othersHere is another post on writing autistic charactersLastly, I recently found a very good post about the difficulty of calling a character autistic in writing, you can check it out here.

I probably forgot a ton of important things, so if anyone wants to add something, please do so; or shoot me a message, whatever is more comfortable.

[leaveharmony]

@yungcrybby-anonymousbosch  Consider me near rambled out :) 1.       How old were you when you first started watching?

I wish I could answer that with 100% accuracy.  I know for certain I was by 1990 (8 years old), but, if my earliest memory is correct and not a falsely-implanted one than it would have been as early as 1986 (4 or so).  Probably I was casually aware of it as a very young child and then slowly got more fanatic about it (this might have coincided with the first real meteoric rise of WWF / more available programming).

2.       What company or companies did you watch?   Early-on it was exclusively WWF, I'd say around 1998 I started occasionally tuning into WCW.

3.       What is your earliest wrestling memory?   I would swear up and and down that I remember Hogan and King Kong Bundy in the blue steel cage at Wrestlemania 2.  I used to watch wrestling with my grandfather (pop pop) at my grandparent's house, I remember they had a textured green carpet at the time and I'd lay on the floor...I swear, that I remember at least some of the extended family going there to watch WM2.  But nobody else can tell me if this actually happened.  If not, then I very clearly remember one of Jake Robert's snakes biting Randy Savage, in the ring (1991?).  I definitely remember the brief time before the Undertaker's first face turn.  And I very vaguely recall everybody being really excited when Hogan bodyslammed Andre the Giant (WM3, 1987). 4.       What attracted you to wrestling?   Mmm...I really don't know.  There's sort of a chicken and the egg aspect to it, I'm not sure I could pin down exactly why I gravitated towards anything as a child, but wrestling is even harder to figure out.  Pop pop used to get quite involved with it and we didn't really have a lot in common, so that might have been part of it.  Conversely, my parents were openly mocking about it, so, it might have also been a touch of my old tendency to be fiercely contrary.  I can def. tell you that the Texas Tornado was one of my favs because of all the fringes on his boots, and I liked the Ultimate Warrior's facepaint and all of Flair's glittery robes, and the like...so bright colours and pageantry might have had something to do with it.  And I was nuts about Miss Elizabeth in all her dated finery lol.  Big-boom 80's/early 90's WWF was certainly geared towards kids and I was right in that target audience.   5.       What is your favorite aspect of wrestling? I've always been attracted to characters more than plots, yunno?  In books or films, or series, if I like enough of the characters I'll stick with it even if the plotting is kinda terrible.  So I think it's just the personalities and people, tbh.  For a very long time I wondered if I'd ever been a -wresting fan- or just an -Undertaker fan-, a question I can now answer with the former, but, it's the wrestlers I'm fondest of that keep me involved, I think. 6.       What do you think the general public gets wrong about wrestling? “They don't really get hurt” would be my number one pet peeve misconception.  My father, for instance, would be one of those guys JR was loudly denouncing during HitC/KotR 1998 who would completely sincerely say “Yeah, but they know how to fall.” after watching a man fall 13ft through a table onto a concrete floor.  Which is why I would never watch it anywhere near him. 7.       Do you have any friends who also watch wrestling? There's you!  :D  I have more now than I used to, I was a solitary practitioner for a long time.  Now I'd say as many as five, anyway...and I've converted my mother lol. 8.       Did you eventually start watching other companies? A very limited bit of WCW (1998-the end of the company)..I would sometimes turn it over during commercial breaks in Raw/Smackdown.  I watched some TNA (whenever they got the deal w/ Spike TV -2006 or so when I couldn't stand looking at Jeff Jarrett anymore). 9.       What has kept you interested wrestling? Every single time I've stopped watching and returned, the return was because of the Undertaker.  He’d be the catalyst to the reaction which would follow... 10.   Are you interested in any other wrestling companies? Gateway-drugged by Shinsuke, I'm currently consuming as much NJPW as is possible by one single mortal human being on a linear timeline. 11.   What, if any, barriers are there to you watching other wrestling companies you’re interested in? Availability, relative ignorance and time constraints, I suppose?  It's sort of...akin to jumping into a longrunning comic series with no sense of the history of the lore.  Can be a little bit overwhelming and I think I'd have to do promotions one at a time.  It was different with NJPW and Shinsuke, because I knew at least one face and name so I had a jumping off point, and then through his matches -with- other people, came to know others as well.  I took notes! 12.   Have you ever been to a live wrestling show? Yep!  I think my first house show was in 1993? in a hockey arena in Sudbury, Ontario.  My second was in 1999 at the Skydome in Toronto.  My third was last summer at Ricoh Colliseum in Toronto, then last November I attended Takeover: Toronto and Survivor Series both at the ACC in Toronto, followed by another house show in March (Ricoh again). 13.   Have you ever been to a local wrestling company’s shows? Oddly no!  There's a promotion that sometimes did shows in my old highschool's gym but I never actually went - probably because I had nobody to go with. 14.   Do you tell others (friends, acquaintances) that you’re a wrestling fan? Why or why not? Historically it would depend on the person - there was a lot of indefensible stuff going on in the Attitude Era and I think it pretty justifiably coloured public perception of wrestling fans, so, sometimes saying it outright was bracing for an argument.  Now I've got zero shame about it - I'm a lifer, I've accepted it. 15.   Aside from wrestling, what other fandoms are you involved in? That kind of depends on your idea of “involved in,” as I tend to stay fairly quiet.  But to limit the answer to things I've actively posted about and discussed on Tumblr (within the past year or so), the brief rundown would be Star Trek (DS9), Fallout 4, the Dragon Age series, and Mass Effect. 16.   Where does wrestling rank among your other fandoms? It's currently sitting at a pretty smug #1 but these things do fluctuate. 17.   What Is your least favorite thing about wrestling? The target audience doesn't do it many favors, if you consider the target audience to have shifted during the attitude era to mean “Entitled straight white men aged 13-35.”  Them being pandered/catered to was responsible for a lot of the things I found off-putting.  To some extent, those things have gone by the wayside in WWE due to public trading/sponsorship (I'm not for a second gonna credit them with ‘shifting attitudes’).  Misogyny, objectification, racism, homophobia, ableism, etc.  In those respects it's at least less cringeworthy than it used to be, but sometimes there's backsliding...I find the jingoism in American-based pro wrestling very irritating, as well. 18.   What is the first imagine or concept that comes to mind when you think about wrestling? It's funny, but no matter how many times they've changed the colours over the years, I still picture the ring with a red top rope, a white middle rope, and a blue bottom rope. 19.   What do you wish wrestling had more of?  In other words, what is lacking from wrestling that you wish were present? Does “Thought put into it” count? lol.  Honestly most of the criticisms I'd level at wrestling would actually be directed at WWE.  One of the reasons I'm enjoying NJPW so much is it just makes so much more logical sense from a booking standpoint and there's so much less fiddling around with awkward scripted ‘sketches’ and forced drama.  WWE books like a bad reality show whose megalomaniac scripters are passed out in a table full of cocaine and money, so trains of thought don't actually reach the station. 20.   Grievances? Anything that bugs you about wrestling or the way it is presented? Commercial breaks on the WWE Network? Teasing that a certain someone was “up next” but only showing a video package?” Hahahahaha is it possible this question was inspired by Recent Disappointments?  XD Again, a lot of this would be directed at WWE.  Commercial breaks during matches, god, I can't even tell you how wrongheaded that is.  It completely takes me out of the story; I remember when it hardly ever happened, and when it did JR would apologize profusely for it, but now you've got a match with 2 or 3 commercial breaks in the middle of it, if it's something I'm only passingly interested in sometimes I've forgotten who's even in the ring by the time we get back to the action.  It's the equivalent of a drama going to commercial while somebody's in the middle of a sentence, and returning after they've finished making their point. And again, with poor damned planning and stubborn refusal to accept criticism or feedback.  Time was, if something went over like a lead balloon, it'd be reworked or tweaked or dropped altogether, but now...if it's something they want to happen badly enough they'll stick with a plan no matter how disastrously stupid or actively harmful to their own interests it is.  I'm thinking specifically of the idiocy that is having a man hold your top title who will /maybe/ show up five more times this entire year, so he can drop it to a man 80% of the audience has absolutely no interest in seeing whatsoever, in a match that will probably be terrible.   Oddly, sometimes we have the same problem in the opposite direction - being dead set on an idea while simultaneously waffling on committing to it; consider the repeated delay of Eva Marie's “debut match” which went on over a month, culminated in her being suspended offscreen, and likely her retirement from active competition.  Also the entire debacle with “Emmalina,” wherein the writers were 100% behind the idea of changing Emma's gimmick apparently without even once consulting Emma about whether she was comfortable with the new direction.  Similiarly the endless -promo videos- for the Shining Stars, and Darren Young's reboots...lengthy wait times followed by lacklustre debuts followed by essentially, no actual plan for any of them.  (and yes, there is an unspoken fear here related to Recent Disappointments, I’m sure it’s shared) 21.   And finally, anything you’d like to add to this questionnaire? *thinks a moment*  Shinsuke is the bees knees.  That's all.   22. How active are you in the online wrestling community? Not at all or do you occasionally visit wrestling forums and message boards? Do you read wrestling newsletters or listen to podcasts?Once upon a time I will admit to being a member of the “Brides of Kane,” and that's all the information you're getting on the subject lol.  I've been delighted to find an active community on tumblr, as it turns out it's more fun to watch / bitch about wresting in company.  I check the news sites daily - this is always true when I'm watching.And I occasionally give Jericho's podcast a listen, or run through some of Xavier's gaming videos.

[zyxyz-xyzzy]

You know what really hurts me these days? What really makes this whole SJ thing crush my self-worth and motivation to improve so utterly? The feeling that I’m not valid, that I don’t belong anywhere and never will, that I’m like an outsider to my own identity. I feel like even though I’m technically part of a few Oppressed Groups™, for various reasons they Don’t Count or I’m Just As Bad as the privileged ones—I guess because I’ve internalized so much of the rhetoric about people like me being Wrong and Bad that some part of me sees “evil problematic oppressor” as my identity in and of itself, that it’s more central to my self-image now than my actual identities, so if something could be construed as me being a victim/oppressed person there must be something wrong with it. More specific stuff under the cut, fwiw.

So a large part of what makes me feel that I’m worthless, don’t matter, etc. is that I’m too privileged, but theoretically someone who knows me could try and counter that with “But you’re not male, or straight, or neurotypical! That’s pretty oppressed!” And I wish it could be that simple, really, but I just can’t make myself see it that way. So looking at these one by one:

To start off with an example, seeing all the posts here lately about International Women’s Day just made me feel worse instead of better, because I knew that that day and those sentiments aren’t about me, aren’t for me. As a cis white woman specifically, I feel like I’m not really in a marginalized group at all, that I’m not the one who really matters here, that it’s not my place to speak up or have an opinion that people care about. Even if I did, a lot of the historical issues that are involved in that (reproductive rights, the wage gap, etc.) are things that have never affected me personally because of my other privileges as well as how sheltered and withdrawn from the world I am in general, so I don’t really have the right to complain to begin with. And even though I am Not Straight (I’m shying away from using the l-word here b/c I kind of feel like I haven’t earned the right to call myself that, if that makes any sense), it’s not like it’s actually affected my life any outside of, like, my preferences in fictional ships and meaningless stuff like that. I’ve never been in any sort of relationship, and prob never will b/c I’m just too much of a mental and social trainwreck for it to work out (plus the combination of me being self-centered, bad at dealing with other people, and having Literally Zero experience would prob make me a pretty terrible gf anyway, so anyone worth dating would deserve better than someone like me tbh). The combination of that and not really feeling like part of the ~LGBT community~ has given me zero reason to come out IRL, so I haven’t, even though I feel privileged and selfish for staying in the closet despite it not being a safety requirement for me (I know my parents would be supportive, and since I don’t really have an IRL social life I don’t have any friends there to worry about their reactions). And ofc, while online I don’t deny it I don’t exactly go shouting it from the rooftops either, and I only admit to it in spaces that are reasonably supportive to begin with. So as someone who’s never really experienced misogyny/homophobia personally, do I really have a right to act like I’m part of the group, like I deserve to be heard?

Now, on the mental side of things, I try to avoid admitting this online usually because I know I’ll just be pitied or made fun of (and I can’t really blame them for that, as much as it upsets me), but yeah, I have an actual professional diagnosis (from when I was like... 3, don’t remember the exact timing) of what was known at the time as Asperger’s. (Yes, I know that’s not a real thing anymore, but I’m not really comfortable calling myself autistic/on the autism spectrum for various reasons, so I prefer to keep using that label despite its unofficial nature.) And sure, if you asked me whether that’s affected my life, whether I’ve suffered from the effects of ableism and the like in the past, the honest answer would be yes. But that isn’t enough. For one thing, it’s not really seen as a Big Deal in the way race/gender/sexuality issues are, so I feel like my cis/white privilege outweighs it completely. And it also seems like it can’t really be compared directly to other types of oppression—I wasn’t treated badly just for existing as part of [X group] like in other cases, I was treated badly because I fucked up. Because I couldn’t function normally, because I caused problems for everyone around me. Can I really blame them for that? Can I really act like I was a victim just because of that? I’m not so sure. And to look at things from a more recent angle, getting back to the whole “aspergers vs. autism” thing, I see a good bit of autism-related posts on my dash and tbh they usually aren’t all that relatable? It feels like it’s always focused on the physical side of things, the stimming and sensory issues and whatnot, which just haven’t been as big of a factor for me, especially now that I’m older. In my case the more obvious effects are the mental ones, the special interests, difficulties with social cues, etc., and those aren’t really given much attention (in a positive/supportive light, at least). Sometimes I even wonder if I was never really autistic to begin with, if I’m just some antisocial weirdo who can’t deal with people, and I don’t have any good excuse for it. Ofc, even if that were the case I wouldn’t necessarily be Completely Normal mentally, since there’s still the overwhelming depression and anxiety to deal with (though I know learning disabilities and mental illness aren’t really the same thing, so that’s kind of a bad comparison anyway, but they are something that even I can’t deny I have). And lately I’ve been suspecting I might also have BPD, but I haven’t brought it up with my therapist or anything since I’m afraid I’d look like an ass if I said it and turned out to be wrong, plus with the stereotypes of people with it being “toxic”, “manipulative”, etc. it would really just end up being just one more reason to hate myself and for other people to dislike and distrust me in the end.