#I’m not here for moral judgements on this it’s just been weird

[bharv]

One of the weirder things about weight gain is that sometimes it happens because of a change in your circumstances and then when you do something that you used to do, your body just feels so different doing it?

So much of my life is spent in survival mode now lol that I so rarely go dancing or to gigs anymore and I’m honestly so tuned out of my body a good half of the time. And I went out to see a band recently and man my body feels so different when I move that way! My primary exercise now has been walking (functional activity) and low impact strength while they work out this fainting thing, and to actually jump and move like that felt so strange with the weight of my stomach and the change in my arms especially! It’s so weird as a feeling as if it’s kind of just. Happened overnight.

Bodies are weird man.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

so i fuck around a lot without a condom as is usual in the gay community in my area. i also know that just because it’s normal doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do.

recently i caught a bacterial sti. i’m asymptomatic for it and the partner i got it from was asymptomatic for it. it has surprisingly high prevalence in msm and doesn’t get tested often probably because it’s asymptomatic a lot of the time. i’m calm about this because i’ve done my research and i know it’s treatable with antibiotics and time. so i got that started asap and i also alerted my regular partners who may have been exposed.

i personally don’t have any moral judgement on people who get stis who are then responsible about getting it treated and preventing its spread etc. i’m not even mad at the guy i got it from. but i’m afraid that not everyone thinks like this.

i’m afraid that one of my partners (who used to only be in monogamous relationships) will be mad at me since he panicked when i told him and i had to carefully walk him through getting a diagnosis (diagnosis and treatment are completely free here). my other partners also hook up a lot so they know the risks of having unprotected sex with lots of people and took the news with civility. i’m still afraid that they are judging me for it too.

idk i guess i’m asking if i did the right thing or something? what is your moral stance on stis as a sex educator? do ask my partners if they’re mad at me? bc that’s kind of a weird thing to ask isn’t it?

thanks for taking your time to read this

hi anon,

it sounds like you and your sexual network and handling unprotected sex as responsibly as is humanly possible, which makes me little sex educator heart warm.

from what you've described you personally did everything right; this is exactly how public health experts want nonmonogamous people to respond when they test positive. if your previously monogamous partner is upset, that's understandable but not your fault - this is a scenario which someone needs to be realistically prepared for and learn how to handle if they want to be part of an expansive sexual network that isn't using condoms.

as for your other partners, I hope you overestimated how upset they would be. even if not, know that the way people react to you is not your fault, and that you really did take every reasonable step to mitigate this problem and look out for the health of as many potentially affected people as you could. if nothing else, you get a Sex Witch gold star for that.

[hasufin]

You've probably seen clips from this. This is Sen. Josh Hawley's speech to the RNC, in which he directly calls for Christian Nationalism.

I watched the entire thing. It's... it's a ride.

The weird thing is, sandwiched in the middle of his ahistorical bullshit and his Christian Nationalism, is an economic proposal which would fit right in at the DNC. It's weird.

Anyway, below is my complete reaction to it:

So, against my better judgement, I did listen to the speech.

Now, I’ve been reluctant to do so. It has been my experience that American Rightwing Christians tend to speak in a sort of dialect; that they tend to say things which – to an outsider such as myself – seem terribly incendiary, aggressive, and deeply unpersuasive. I’ve had Christian friends explain to me, of preachers “Yes, I know that sounds horrible to you, but that’s just how they talk in the Church”. And thus, I did ask this question [on Quora] to among other things give those within that community an opportunity to explain his words. I have, I confess, been disappointed: what I’ve received instead has been dismissal; just refusal to acknowledge that the things being said would reasonably be interpreted as threatening to one not steeped in that culture. Dismissal, I will say, serves to affirm our concerns: it’s like how Kavanaugh claimed that Roe was “settled law”… until he voted to overturn it. We don’t trust dismissal, because it has been a lie in the past and we expect it to be a lie in the future.

Now, the first few minutes of Hawley’s speech present me with a conundrum.

You see, he gives a brief historical recount of the fall of the Roman Empire, and of the Puritans (whom I have never before heard referred to as Augustinians, but again, I’m just not fluent in this particular patois.)

And the problem here is, his narrative is simply false. I mean, he pinpoints the early 400s as the fall of the Western Roman Empire – fair enough – but that’s also when Christianity became the majority religion of that empire; characterizing them as pagans as that point, and “paganism” as the cause of the fall of the Empire is quite ridiculous. But I’ll come back to that later, and why it’s deeply disturbing to me.

And then the Puritans. Again, I’ve never really heard them called Augustinians but that’s reasonably an oversight on my part – I’m of the opinion that their influence on the American colonies is somewhat overstated, but that’s just my opinion. His characterization of them is I think somewhat lack in nuance and reality, but the how and why of that seems important.

So I’m left with a bit of a conundrum. Do I assume his actual knowledge of history is that of a disinterested high schooler? Do I assume he just plain doesn’t know what he is talking about? If that’s the case, I – and everyone else - really ought to disregard whatever he says of policy: he is a fool, and we oughtn’t be led by fools.

But, perhaps he does know better? Yet, that’s worse. If he knows that the Roman empire did not fall due to “Paganism”; that the Puritans were a particularly intolerant sect of Reformationists who found freedom overly threatening and ultimately declined largely due to the infighting which is characteristic of rightwing authoritarian groups. If he knows this, and offers an ahistorical alternative instead, then he is a liar, and should be directly opposed.

One can slice that Gordian knot by realizing he offers these not as history, but as mythology. It’s not whether they’re true, but what they’re meant to communicate. However, as a non-Christian, that’s… that’s actually worse.

His decision, then, to attribute the downfall of Rome to corruption, to loving pleasure and self-indulgence, is important. Now, I think we all know that Rome did not fail because their soldiers were just too busy drinking and having sex. But that claim appeals to a disgust-based morality: it indulges in a visceral hatred of those excesses. And that same disgust-based morality can be used to justify any number of horrors. It’s a disgust-based morality which ties a gay man to a fence and leaves him to die; that beats a transwoman to death; that decides Jews are baby eaters and condemns them to ghettoes and them to death.

His ahistorical account ignores the entire history of Christian internal warfare. It pretends that the Puritans were an inclusive society – rather than one which executed their own on the mere allegation of them being people like me.

And I’m hearing him proceed further, to claim all things good… indeed, the utter ridiculousness of claiming specifically secular achievements as Christian. This is a fact-free speech, which is intended to appeal to a particular audience of which I – and any other non-Christian – is not a member. He proclaims that as a non-Christian I should embrace Christianity… after having lied and said many of distinctly non-Christian things are Christian. I mean, if you define Christian as “the stuff I want to claim” and non-Christian as “everything else” then sure… but that’s not what those things mean, and we’re back to that conundrum: is he a liar or a fool?

And then he gets back to his disgust-based morality, his appeal to hatred, his lies about his opposition, and just outright about what is going on right now.

Ah, and here we are: “the left” is evil, “the left” wants to destroy. And… wait, did he just claim that liberals like Ayn Rand? What??? And Milton Friedman? How… how does anyone buy this? I’m sorry, what the hell is this?

He is literally saying that the left is against god. This speech very literally demonizes his opposition. He lies about people, and and paints them as simply being against good. I wonder how anyone considers this as acceptable at all. This is Blood Libel.

Now, wait, he’s deriding other republicans? And saying that it was republicans who spearheaded DEI? I’m just confused here. Basically, it seems like he’s saying literally anyone who opposes him is evil, and he will make up Any Damned Thing to paint them that way.

Being honest, I’m not sure I am all that interested in the second half of this. Hist first half, in which he very literally calls everyone who isn’t on his side evil; in which he says the left is against love and god. I recognize that he doesn’t directly say “let’s put all the liberals in camps and kill them”, but this is the rhetoric which is used to justify these things. The policies he puts forth afterwards are less incendiary – and it’s kind of weird that he had to open a policy proposal which matches rather well with the liberal platform, with demonization of liberals, and I don’t know how anyone can reconcile that. But, y’know, he also claimed that liberals like Ayn Rand and Milton Friedman, so there’s a lot of contradiction there.

Oh, wait now he’s directly speaking against religious liberty. He’s saying directly that religious liberty is only valuable because it lets us all practice the same religion, and that Christianity is our national religion. So we’re back to Deeply Disturbing here. “More civil religion, not less”. Atheists are evil, they hate Christianity, this other not-religious thing is religion, trans people are evil… yeah. And he wants direct endorsement of Christianity. Now, I don’t think that taking down a pride flag is directly oppression, but I definitely see it as a first step: establishing that not-Christianity is a religion, and should be supplanted with Christianity by the state. So, having listened to this… I would dismiss him as a madman if he weren’t giving a speech at the RNC. But he is. And I see what he’s saying as setting the foundation for much worse. There’s nothing good to come of defining Everyone Else as being evil.

[sly-s-n0nfusion]

Hello octopathers I woke up in the mood to share opinions online so today it's the time to talk about

💫 Erhardt's War Crimes 💫

as well as explaining why I don't, never did, and will never like him as a character

/!\ Disclaimer: I'm not here to judge anyone who likes Erhardt, truly. I'm 100% okay with liking morally gray characters in fiction (and I do myself, as a fan of characters such as Ogen, Oshka, Kaldena and Ceraphina, which are pretty bad/terrible people as well, some of them are much worse than erhardt lol) so if he's your favorite character and your little sopping wet meow meow, that's great (you're also part of like 98% of the octopath fandom so if someone has to be the weird one here that'd be me lol) so this post is completely judgement-free 🙏 /gen

I just felt the need to address the full extent of his actions in game as some sort of reminder because I feel like the actual consequences of those are often overlooked or straight up not acknowledged, also because we see a lot of that in CoTC and many people who played OT1 did not play that one, and because I have seen quite the number of fans out there being like "Erhardt did nothing wrong" or "I'm an Erhardt apologist" or "regicide ain't that bad" when I think what he did was actually pretty bad and here's why!

TW children death, spoilers for Olberic’s story and CoTC Bestower of All

Okay so we can all agree with the fact that what happened to him was horrible. Man had to watch his hometown (and family, too) perish in a fire while Hornburg did nothing to help and he's been indoctrinated since he was just a child by Werner, who we know as being great at manipulating and inducing fear in people. Like no wonder he wanted revenge.

In Ot1 we only see him killing King Alfred and thus causing the fall of the whole kingdom of Hornburg as stated by Olberic at the beginning of his story, and then his "redemption" speech during Olberic's chapters 3 and 4, and that's pretty much it. We aren't exactly told what happened to the people of Hornburg after that.

Well, Champions of The Continent tells us as the fourth chapter of the Bestower of All storyline is set in Hell, where Hornburg and its ghosts still stand. And I say ghosts because those are all that's left of its population, with the exception of a few other NPCs we encounter in game who were lucky enough to flee in time.

Now the part of map we can walk on is quite big but it’s still a small fraction of the Hornburg capital (as we can see from the huge amount of buildings around the castle) and there are approximately 30+ npcs’ souls wandering around the streets, inside the castle and outside the capital (again, they’re just the ones we’re allowed to see)

(Don’t let this image fool you, he’s dead. All of them are dead, he didn’t make it out alive)

The most tragic part of all of this are obviously the souls of two children that can be found in a house, discussing which one of the Twin Blades is stronger. And honestly this piece of dialogue broke my heart

I’m afraid to inform this poor kid’s soul that Erhardt actually played a major role in the events that caused them to get killed.

And this brings me to the conclusion of this saying that no matter how strong Erhardt’s desire for vengeance was, and how manipulated he was, it still doesn’t excuse what he did. “Regicide ain’t that big of a deal” well no it isn’t, but the consequences of it are. I refuse to believe Erhardt didn’t foresee what would happen to all the inhabitants of Hornburg, children included, after he’d killed king Alfred and gave complete access to Werner’s army. Of course the ones who couldn’t flee in time would get killed. Of course he knew, but that wasn’t enough to make him think about stopping his rage.

He’s not a war criminal because he killed a guy with a crown, he’s a war criminal because he sentenced to death the whole population of a capital city and if we had doubt at first, cotc gives us undeniable proof.

Yes he lives hating himself. Yes he does regret all of it. But he had a choice. And yes, being afraid of Werner hunting him down is a solvable problem when you’re at the apex of one of the biggest kingdoms’ military force, he could’ve asked for help if only he spoke. Causing the death of so many innocent people isn’t going to bring his family and hometown back and he knew it.

That’s why I think what he did was, in no way, excusable.

“Erhardt isn’t a villain” doesn’t stick with my view of things.

Now, on to the personal reasons why I don’t like him in particular as a morally gray character lol

And that can be summed up as “Olberic’s first two chapters made a pretty damn good job at making me hate him”

But no for real it has to do with me valuing trust more than anything else in life and having the habit of self-projecting a lot on every character I play. I tend to ask myself “what would I do in this situation, how would I feel” etc, so it came natural to me to wanting to punt Erhardt into the sun instantly as soon as I saw Olberic (the guy that was my main character in his ch1) literally start his story having nightmares and being depressed because of this guy.

Of course it was instant, deep hatred from me I swear I’ve rarely wanted to kill some guy in a jrpg as much as I wanted to make him pay for what he did (even if I knew well that Olberic’s main goal was just to seek answers).

Now imagine my utter disappointment when the game didn’t let me kill him lol (just kidding, of course after his backstory traumadump I ended up sympathizing a bit with him).

Also no, Olberic never forgave him for what he did, as precisely stated by him in his chapter 3, but he does give him another chance to redeem himself because Olberic is a much better person than I am.

I… have been wanting to write this long post for a while now. I hope I didn’t upset anyone with it as that was not my intention. I get why erhardt has so many fans, with the whole emotional trauma he has and his pretty face and fabulous hair, I really do and I don’t think you’re weird for liking him. I just like to ramble about fictional characters from time to time lol

Peace ✌️

[bugbyte]

Recent discoveries from the land of Bug lives with a chronic illness and is tired all the time:

This is probably obvious to everyone but holy shit, crock pot. I used to use this thing mostly for a few very specific recipes because I feel like there’s something about the cooking method where things can tend to lose flavor or texture (might just be a me thing) but lately it’s been a lifesaver when I am hurting and exhausted, which has been a lot.

I’m trying to cut back on premade or processed stuff where I can because I don’t think it’s good for me personally or for our budget. (No judgement from me if that’s what’s easiest for you, we all gotta eat somehow.) Cooking has become a mega effort for me when I’m having a flare up and it’s been tough. I used to do all the cooking for us because I genuinely love to do it, but it’s gotten so hard for me recently and I’m trying new methods.

More chatter and recipes under the break~

This is all kind of a medium effort (unless you have someone to help, which I am lucky to have) so it might not work for everyone, because the ceramic piece of the cooker is kind of heavy to get out and clean if you’re prone to dropping things (I am) but it can go in the dishwasher. Also chopping things can be a pain; I have a little chopping thing that helps when I’m cooking alone, it looks like this:

Anyway, if you can get past those hurdles via tools or help or buying pre-chopped veggies, you’re halfway there. You can also prep veg when you’re having a good day and freeze it so you have it ready on a bad day.

Here are a few of my favorite recipes, all are kinda chicken-based and the method is basically the same but you can probably substitute another protein, this just works for my budget and dietary needs. The only thing I might not use is ground meat; something funny can happen with the texture of it, I think because you’re not necessarily stirring all the time. It can cook kinda weird if you’re not attentive, and we’re going for as hands off as possible here.

Today we chopped up a bunch of veggies and dumped them in with chicken breast, a bunch of seasoning (curry, garam masala, garlic, ginger, a little Trader Joe’s sriracha seasoning for a little heat, I mean, I don’t think you can really add too many spices here?? Add and measure with your heart, as they say), and a jar of tikka masala sauce. Then we just have to make rice later and it’s all set. 4-6 hours on high, 6-8 on low seems to be the standard and works for basically everything I’ve tried so far. Yeah, it’s kind of premade with the jar sauce, but having something hot with real veggies and chicken when you’re not feeling good is a real morale boost at the end of the day. Plus, a ton of leftovers.

Another easy one I love is chopping up an onion and a bell pepper or two, pour in either a jar of tomato pasta sauce or a big can of crushed tomatoes + whatever garlic/basil/etc seasonings you like, and throw a couple of chicken breasts on top with some seasoning on those too. Same timing as above. By the end the chicken just shreds apart by pinching it with tongs really easily (I have hand grip issues and I can do it) so shred that and stir it all together. This stuff is great on pasta, probably also would be an amazing sandwich on a bun with some mozzarella?? Last time we used a can of tomatoes so there was a ton of extra liquid and I just dumped in a package of farfalle at the end of cooking (or 30 minutes to the end, ish) and mixed it well, gave it 30 minutes to soak up the sauce, and it was really tasty. You really only have to pay attention at the end to make sure the pasta is the way you want it, not over or under done.

Lastly, tacos. Chicken, in whatever quantity you want. We are 2 people and 2 breasts is enough for a bunch of tacos and leftovers for lunch the next day. Add a little olive oil (just a dash to help stuff stick) and half a packet of any taco seasoning you like (save the rest for the end). Mix in one of those little cans of chopped green chilies plus about one tiny can of water or chicken broth if you’re feeling fancy. Cook either high or low (as above) but I find low on 6-8 hours actually does come out better on this one. When it’s done, shred the chicken like the tomato recipe. It should just fall apart with very little effort. Then add in the rest of the seasoning packet and mix; it helps thicken any liquid into sauce. If you still end up with too much liquid somehow, just scoop some out with a ladle. Then just put it on tortillas with whatever taco stuff you like. This one also works pretty well with a big chunk of pork, like pork shoulder. You may need some extra seasoning and stuff because it’s bigger, and I would also add some garlic to the pork version for better flavor. If you have the energy or assistance this stuff is also great shredded up and thrown under a broiler for a couple minutes for crispy edges, but that’s totally optional. Still tasty without it.

Anyway, just thought I’d share some of the easy stuff I’ve come across and liked because I love cooking and I hate how much trouble I’ve had making good food without running myself to exhaustion since I started having health problems. It’s a learning curve for sure.

[poisonhemloc]

i've been fighting brain to cooperate and its not going the best it could go so uh have two chunks of writing

'Poison these read as unfinished' they kinda are I was just fleshing people out

“That’s interesting.” Slate focused on the Hearthian- the hatchling, really, they were definitely still living with someone- currently poking at the malfunctioning radio in the truck.

“What’s wrong?” They could fix the radio themself, but technically Feldspar and Gossan owned these trucks and Feldspar had insisted on calling an independent tech after two CDs got chewed up. 

“There’s a bit in here that’s destroying the CDs, wild. It must have gotten jarred loose in a weird way, it looks deliberate.” Slate watched them very carefully, waiting for the follow up “you said you do all the maintenance on these, did you-?” But it didn’t come. 

“Do you have a diagram of this radio and all?” 

“Somewhere. Why?”

“There’s like, extra parts in here, I think. Wild.” The hatchling dug around in the backpack they brought. “I can fix it, if you take it out of the truck and give me a week, but Feldspar wanted a fast fix, and I think that’s this.” They held up a cable. “Just bypass the player entirely, they can hook a phone up to this. At least until there’s time to let me take the player out.” 

Slate watched them for a second longer than they should- the unwavering little smile was good enough, they probably wouldn’t point fingers- and nodded. “Sounds good, Potch, I’ll pass that along.”

“I’ll call Feldspar later to tell them, I think I missed their call window.” They hopped down from the truck and looked up at Slate. “But otherwise I think I’m done for today! The cable can stay in the truck ‘til they’re ready for a more permanent fix.” The light behind them gave a little iridescent outline to the freckles scattered across their face and arms. 

“Thanks, Potch. I’ll keep your number in case something else happens.”

~

Granite and Hal walked into the tattoo shop, Granite calm, Hal anxious.

“It’s just color.”

“I know, I know, it’s fine, just-“

“Hal?” A hatchling appeared from the back- just a normal Hearthian, except, they’d managed to avoid any of the little jagged injuries every Hearthian Granite had ever met got in their ears growing up. 

“I’m Hal.” 

“Magalor is just cleaning everything, xe’ll be right up. Go ahead and take a seat.” 

“Okay, thanks.” They didn’t vanish into the back again, but turned to look at Granite. 

“Moral support?”

“Yeah.” 

“Thought so.” They looked like they’d add something for a moment, but didn’t, and walked back to whatever they were doing. 

Magalor appeared after a minute. “Hal, good to see you. Come right back.” They looked down and grinned, feathers shifting. “Granite, are we getting you into my chair anytime soon?”

“Maybe, but, not right now.”

“Fair, fair, come along.”

“Do you have a new apprentice?”

“Oh, Chrys? Not a new apprentice, but they’re only here part time.” A blink, as xe pulled on gloves. “We’re working on their people skills.”

“…is that-“

“Excellent artist, tends to make judgements of people and never change their mind. I will convince them of the benefits of change in time.”

“Don’t you do permanent art on people’s skin?”

“Well, yes, however, there is always a time where someone may wish to change or cover up or redo a tattoo. Or even have it removed. There is very little in life that is always unchanging and they do not like that.”

[lilimonarch]

Doctor Hanahaki - I'm trying to get over this. [8]

Doctor Hanahaki

Chapter 8

WC: 3281

Akaashi goes through life after the kiss, regret and sorrow fill his days to where he almost collapses at work. Despite his inner turmoil, the flutter in his heart continues, and there is something he will have to figure out on his own.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/47404093/chapters/140754997

~

“Okay, what the hell?”

“Be quiet,” Kiyoko hushes Sugawara who stares at the tablet in her hands, going over the schedule for the day. Nothing too out of the ordinary, but the big notice was Bokuto Koutarou was listed, and not under Akaashi’s name. “It says Akaashi recently referred him to someone else in the clinic. Weird…”

Sugawara frowned and looked around to make sure nobody else was watching. “That’s… weird. Kind of sad too. I feel like ever since Bokuto came around, Akaashi was so much more open. I wonder what happened.”

“Hopefully, nothing,” Kiyoko puts the tablet down and starts flipping on the lights to the rest of the clinic. Akaashi was usually here first, he was supposed to be here first, but he was not. “I trust that Akaashi has good judgement. It was probably just a scheduling conflict.”

“No, Kiyoko. You don’t understand,” Sugawara shook his head. “Akaashi is the most stoic, dead-inside person I’ve ever met. He’s so empty, anxious, chronic overthinker, you know what I mean. He had Hanahaki when he was 17, that surgery saved his life, but it messed him up. He hardly feels anything but whenever Bokuto comes in, Akaashi is smiling. It’s like he’s alive again.” It was a topic Sugawara was passionate about. Akaashi had been in his life for so long, the two of them had built this clinic (figuratively) from the ground up after their residencies. He was always for Akaashi becoming more open with others.

“You think he…”

It’s implied, but Sugawara hates to think about it.

“No,” Sugawara hears the door open and hushes his voice. “Akaashi is so morally correct, I’m sure of it. If something happened, he’d walk in here to resign. There must be something we’re missing but as his coworkers and his friends, we should check on him.”

The door opens, Sugawara has to hold his breath as Akaashi enters the clinic, hair extra ruffled and eyebags which beat even his worse ones. His eyes are dark, low, empty as ever, and even Kiyoko has to keep her composure at the sight of him. “Akaashi?” Sugawara breaks the silence, heading over to lay a hand on his younger coworker but hesitating as Akaashi backs away. “You look rough, buddy. Are you alright? Have you been sleeping okay?”

“I think…” Akaashi sighs, running his fingers through his hair and Sugawara swears he swayed. “I think I want to quit.”

~

“I’m in love with you, Bokuto,” Akaashi stands on a pedestal surrounded by whiteness, shouting into the void with no control over the words which fall out of his mouth. Petals fall out of his mouth as he screams again. “I love you! You’re everything!”

Akaashi looks down as vines climb up the pedestal, grabbing him by his ankles. “I love you! I love you! Take it, Bokuto! Take my love! Take it and be cured!” The vines climb up and knock Akaashi to his knees, threatening to pull him into the white void. Akaashi grips to the side of the pedestal as the vines attempt to pull him down, Akaashi letting out a harsh cough as petals and blood stain the quartz pedestal which he once stood proudly on.

“You hurt me,” Bokuto’s voice booms throughout the void, tears in Akaashi’s eyes. “You wanted to hurt me!” He shouts as the vines pull Akaashi from the pedestal.

He falls and screams.

He screams against the hardwood floor of his apartment, Nariko poking his face. “Ugh… oh my God,” Akaashi groans as he sits up from the ground and looks around, holding his hand over his mouth as waves of nausea from the nightmare sweep by him. The night is young, the moon is out as seen through his windows, and Nariko sits by Akaashi with beady eyes. A way to remind Akaashi he’s hardly slept this whole weekend, let alone in his own bed.

Nariko is the only factor helping Akaashi, as he runs to the bathroom and throws up in anguish from the night prior, thankful he finds no blood or petals. “I don’t love him, I don’t love anyone,” he mutters to himself, half delirious from the lack of sleep. “It was a mistake, Akaashi. You made a mistake; it didn’t mean anything.” Disgusted at the idea of love, the idea of feelings, the idea of ruining his ethical code for something so stupid!

It definitely meant something, at least to one of them.

Akaashi slowly gets up and looks at himself in the mirror, cringing as he looks away. “I can’t be there anymore.” Bokuto said he was not going to make a complaint about it, even though Akaashi begged him too. His license and reputation were only going to get hit if he came out. Akaashi was on his own, and he wanted it to be done.

“I’m going to quit.”

What about Bokuto?

Shut up.

Bokuto.

Be quiet.

You love-

“Fucking… oh my God, end me now. Shut the fuck up!” Akaashi covers his ears and leans against the bathroom counter, tears pouring as the bathroom lights flicker from his outburst. Bokuto is stuck in his mind, every waking second, no matter how much he doesn’t want him to be. “I’m quitting, I’m done. No more, Dr. Akaashi. No more, Dr. Hanahaki. I never should’ve gotten close to him. Never should’ve done any of this!”

Akaashi knows what he did was wrong, but he also knows that it did not feel as wrong as it should. The kiss consumes his waking days, and Bokuto is forever in his thoughts. He knows he should hate himself for it, but he misses Bokuto dearly. Akaashi knows he can never love, but he knows Bokuto was important to him, more than anyone ever before.

Key word, was. It has to be was.

He shut the lights off in the mirror and heads to the living room, picking up Nariko and sitting on the couch with her as he stares at the midnight sky. He’s worse than the way he was before Bokuto came into his life, living through the motions and blinking only to notice how much time has passed.

“I’m going to quit.” He repeats himself at the clinic when Sugawara stands with his mouth agape. He knows his tone sounds like a slash from the sword of betrayal, but he no longer cares. It’s for his own sake, for ethics and morals. “Consider this my two weeks. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Akaashi, you can’t be serious,” Sugawara shakes his head, Kiyoko looks out the window as cars start to pull up for appointments while the receptionist glances away from the drama. “We built this clinic from nothing, and you want to quit? Why? Why now?” The words scratch at Akaashi while he clenches his fists.

“Guys,” Kiyoko tries to jump in, but her voice does not carry so far.

“I said I didn’t want to talk about it. Be professional, Dr. Sugawara.”

“After everything? Dr. Akaashi, I may be your coworker, but I am also your friend.”

“And as my friend, I’m asking you to let it go. I’ve made my…” Akaashi’s voice trails off as he grabs the side of the wall, dizziness attacking his vision. It’s the stress, the lack of sleep, all the emotional turmoil. “My choice.”

“There are patients on their way in here!” Kiyoko shakes her head. “Deal with it later, you both need to be professional.”

Bokuto.

The dizziness tries to sweep him off his feet, Akaashi shakes his head to try and clear his thoughts. In his peripheral vision, Sugawara reaches out. “I’m sorry, I’ll be okay,” Akaashi forces a smile and starts to head to the back of the clinic where he starts his day. “We have a job to do, so let’s do that. Okay?” He practically storms off with a medical service smile, leaving to work on his day.

He's working in one of the more private offices in between appointments, filling out paperwork with the door half open when he sees him. Akaashi’s heart drops, as he watches through the crack of the door to see Nurse Kiyoko escorting a figure he knew all too well into a different room. Not his room, Akaashi didn’t have an appointment scheduled for 2:00 in the afternoon, not anymore. Bokuto’s shell-like figure motions through and the door closes, his sweater that once hugged his muscle curves now hanging loosely. It has not even been a week but still-

Go talk to him.

“God, no,” Akaashi tries to interrupt his thoughts, dizziness swarming his vision as he slams his head against the desk, almost falling asleep if it were not for the fact he was on the job and he would surely be greeted with nightmares if he did.

It was killing him.

Akaashi figured it was rather ironic, how a dying man was killing him like this. It was not fair, it was not right, but what was worse was the ache in his chest to know Bokuto was down the hall with a new doctor because Akaashi couldn’t keep his lips to himself.

“Dr. Akaashi?” He feels a single poke on his shoulder, and he remembers his head is still on the desk of a rather dark office. Yet, he has no desire to get out. “Akaashi? Please get up,” another poke, he realizes it’s Kiyoko.

He also realizes how dizzy he is feeling rather suddenly.

“My apologies…” Akaashi attempts to lift his head up, vision blurring in and out. One single glance at Kiyoko and he lays his head down on the desk again, groaning as a headache continues to beat his head from the inside out.

Bokuto. I miss him.

The thoughts don’t stop, the constant reminders that he truly was happier when around Bokuto, and he could never pinpoint exactly why. There is a lump caught in his throat when the only barrier to a mental breakdown in the middle of the medical office is his own exhaustion, tiredness which keeps him from being able to lift his head off the desk.

It’s as if he’s falling.

“Akaashi? Let’s get you to lay down, I’ll check on you. Okay?” Before he can even realize it, his arm is slung half over Nurse Kiyoko, his eyes opening to face reality for the first time in minutes. An empty office moves to an empty room, his movements ragdoll-like as Kiyoko practically props him up onto the examination table like a toy.

He remains silent as he lays on the bed, idly watching as she takes his blood pressure, the only noise in the room the pumping of the tool. “Just a bit low. Not terrible but not the greatest,” she mumbles, laying the blood pressure cuff on the side. “You don’t look well, Dr. Akaashi.”

“Just tired.”

“I don’t think so,” she sighs while Akaashi feels a shiver go down his spine. He’s cold, stoic, hard-to-read, but Kiyoko sees him like an open book. After all, like-minded people simply know better, they just do. “What’s on your mind? You haven’t been sleeping well, I can tell. What keeps you up at night?”

Bokuto.

The kiss.

Being in love-

No.

“How did you know that you fell in love?”

Akaashi, what the hell are you doing?

Akaashi’s eyes are half-lidded when he asks the question, hardly aware of the weight the question holds, but he pushes onwards. “I can’t feel those things, but you are like me… personality-wise at least. How did you know?”

The oxygen is sucked out of the room when Akaashi lets the words fall out. He’s half aware of his whole situation when Kiyoko goes to sit in the chair in the room. “Well, it’s different for different people,” she starts. “For some people, it’s how much they want to have sex with the person, that physical intimate connection,” Kiyoko speaks, rather bluntly.

Akaashi swears he’s about to throw up.

“I disagree with that, but it works for some people,” she shrugs. “For me, I found out how much I was valued. How much he valued me, wanted to protect me. With that, I realized I wanted the best for him, more than anyone else. I realized how important he was to me, and I couldn’t let that go.”

Letting it go?

“People laughed at me; you know?” Kiyoko gives a small chuckle, surely thinking of her lover. “For the first few weeks of dating, I couldn’t say I love you. The words left this awful taste in my mouth, and I had no idea why. I felt terrible too, because he would say it to me every day! Despite that little bump, he knew I loved him. I just couldn't say it yet, and that’s okay. People move at their own pace.”

Their own pace?

“Well, it took me about three months to tell him I loved him. He cried when I said it for the first time. He never doubted it, I just expressed it in different ways. Ryu always knew how important he was to me, and we made it work.”

Akaashi wants to ask more questions, but the dizziness invades him and tries to bring him back to his rational self. Hanahaki surgery survivors like him can’t feel those things, so why bother? His mouth is awkwardly dry as he turns away to face the wall, curling up on himself.

He isn’t sure whether to feel hopeful, or to cry.

“You should take one of your breaks, just so you can get back on your feet. I’ll come back when you’re needed, I know how much you probably want to get back to things,” it’s a lighthearted joke laced with kindness, one Akaashi will learn to appreciate.

“We should talk more often,” Akaashi mumbles as Kiyoko turns off the lights to ease the migraine engrained in his brain. Had the conversation helped his existential dread? Not particularly but Kiyoko had this certain aura of peace wherever she went, something Akaashi feared would fade when she left the room.

“We should.”

~

He gets up after about 15 minutes, the anxieties creeping in as he goes to finish his day of patients (none Hanahaki) and later day of paperwork. It’s as if he’s almost out of the tunnel, avoiding it all till he can go home for another sleepless night.

“Akaashi?” Just his luck, Akaashi is interrupted from filling out a form for a middle-aged woman. The clinic is almost all shut now, just Sugawara and Akaashi left now. Of course, it started with them, so it shall finish with them. “Can we talk?” Sugawara’s voice almost breaks as he sits in the chair near Akaashi’s.

Akaashi looks at his computer, unable to make the eye contact. Despite that all, he stops typing and lets out a shaky breath. “Look… I messed up. I can’t stay here, I’m quitting. I’ve made my decision already, so don’t try to convince me otherwise.”

“Akaashi…” Sugawara shakes his head. “You’re the most amazing doctor I’ve ever met. As your coworker, I respect your decision. As your friend, I can’t just let you go like this. I thought things were really looking up for a bit, you’ve seemed happier. What happened?” The final question repeats in his mind, interrupted by the comment of his happiness status. He hates that Sugawara is not wrong.

I have been happier.

The words repeat and haunt him, Akaashi turning his chair to face Sugawara. “I…”

He let it happen.

No, I made it happen. No matter what, it’s my fault.

“Akaashi?”

“I kissed Bokuto.”

Sugawara goes silent, paling as he grips the edge of the counter where they are sat. “When I brought his groceries to his house the other day, one thing led to another and we kissed,” Akaashi puts his hands over his face, tears threatening to pour. “I don’t know how it happened, or why, I just know I hate that it happened. I can’t walk in here every day for the rest of my life knowing what I did.”

There’s a long pause of silence, Akaashi looking up until Sugawara goes to break it.

“Why are you still here?”

“What?”

Sugawara repeats himself, the two of them making eye contact for the first time. “That happened days ago. Why hasn’t he put in a complaint about it? How does he have the bravery to walk in here today? Why do you still have your license? Why are you still here?”

“He said he wasn’t going to make a complaint,” Akaashi mumbled the words and that is when they truly set in. Bokuto said he was not going to make a complaint?

How could Bokuto forgive like that?

“So, I’m going to quit.”

Sugawara shook his head, hands trembling. “Who initiated it?” He asks, only met with silence. “Akaashi, I know this stuff is new to you but sometimes people do things that-”

“Stop trying to defend me. I did, okay?” The dizziness from lack of sleep is truly getting to him, getting worse by the hour. His vision blurs as the nightmares race in his brain 100 miles an hour. “He asked to put my hand on his chest and then my hand moved towards and- oh my God, I’m never seeing him again, I can’t.”

“He asked you to put your hand on his chest?” Sugawara asks.

Akaashi responds cautiously. “Yes, he did.”

“You made moves before you kissed him, which he didn’t reject?”

“…Yeah.”

Sugawara’s eyes widen a bit, almost in surprise. “And he still says he doesn’t want to file a complaint or anything? That he doesn’t want your apology?”

Akaashi brings his fist down against the table, a single tear streaming down his face as he wipes it away profusely. “What point are you trying to prove?” He glares. He has no idea why his anger is coming out against Sugawara when it’s more himself. “Sorry…” he quickly backtracks, leaning his back against the seat. “I’m just… on edge.”

“You’re fine. I’m just trying to say that maybe…” Sugawara pauses, sighing and shaking his head. “Never mind. Thanks for telling me. Even if Bokuto doesn’t seem to be mad, I’m glad you’re being responsible.”

You need to figure it out on your own.

Akaashi nods, gripping the edge of the counter while anxiety attempts to weave its way into his cold heart once more. “So, you’ll let me go?”

“Yeah, I’ll let you go,” Sugawara gives a soft smile. “Just, finish the two weeks? Finish what you started, Akaashi. Just these two weeks, I know it’ll suck if it’s morals you’re after, but please,” despite Sugawara’s typically aloof demeanor, it’s as if he is pleading with Akaashi to stay, at least for now. “I know you wouldn’t do anything like that with anyone else, so that’s why I’m asking you to finish these two weeks.”

Akaashi takes a shaky breath, nodding hesitantly. This was his only passion ever, and if he was going to throw it out, he would at least finish what he started. “Yeah, I can do that.”

“We cool?”

“We’re cool.”

Akaashi watches as Sugawara, half on the verge of tears, rushes in for a hug. For once, it reminds him of his residency. Akaashi, with limited experience and knowledge rushing into the arms of a doctor who welcomed him with kindness when the rest criticized his coldness. A doctor who told him they would build a clinic together to save lives when the big medicine industry failed.

Sugawara was important to him. Akaashi didn’t love him, but he treasured him, and maybe that’s good enough.

[happy-ramm]

Hi!

First of all: Thank you very much, I really appreciate all of your input on the current rammstein situation and I’d totally say I agree!

The situation is fucked.

I just want to add some of my thoughts about all of this, if that’s ok:

Let’s start with: I hate it here.

I hate what this debate does to the bigger image of the band: they are in the process of becoming a tool to express hate towards women and the general idea of feminism. There are misogynists, fans of this red pill ideology ‘defending’ Till by simply calling the women who came forward with allegations slurs. And there are fanaccounts sharing these videos like “go watch it, big recommendation” … you’re like ten seconds in and the dude in the video calls a woman “bitch”/“hoe” because he has ‘evidence’ that she might be lying? Shut up, Sherlock and maybe let some professional investigator do their job?

Who do they think they’re helping with that? It’s ridiculous, really embarrassing and not helpful at all imho.

This antifa-incident now also gives a lot of rather right winged people (Nazis lol) the opportunity to slide in the comment section of posts about it and spread hate of the political left as a whole and force their ideas of “the lefts being the new facists” on everyone. This connection is also very nice for all those journalists out there who love discussing rammstein as nazis! And also veeeery nice for the current political situation in Germany! much wow. I’m so done. (Also quick advice to all the activists out there: if you feel like vandalism, maybe rather write ‘no stage for Nazis’ on some buildings that are owned by ‘Alternative für Deutschland’?)

(These right winged accounts also really often show their homophobia - which I find quite ironic given the fact that rammstein eg waved pride flags in poland and their guitarists kissing on stage like every concert now but ok)

Id def consider myself somewhere on the spectrum of the political left and I also think that one can (and should) read rammsteins appearance in their political songs in this context.

My point being: there are now a lot of people interested in rammstein who seem to actually have nothing in common with their world view? It just makes me really uncomfortable and I hope that once this is over they’ll loose their interest in the band again.

I’ve been to three rammstein concerts and one of Lindemanns shows - until now everything was ok and we met some nice people. (Even tho the Lindemann Show was a rather weird, unique experience in general but that’s sth different) .. all in all I’d say my (female passing) friends and I were having a good time and everything was ok.

But with all of this, with the chance that the amount of these kinds of really bad people being interested in rammstein and as a result maybe also attending the concerts is growing - I might be afraid of going to another one (if there will be another tour?) and no, not because of Till Lindemann.

Sorry for the late repsonse Anon! I was moving house!

In general, though, I share a lot of your concerns. Situations such as this one are tricky because what is ultimately the dealings between two people and their own feelings/experiences of the matter gets submitted to the greater public for their judgement. Politics, laws, personal morals and agendas all get dumped in one big pot to boil over and eventually fester. It is all very confusing...and then out pops something nasty. In this case, the misogynistic right wing.

Frankly, I am not surprised that the right-wing has found a little nest within the Rammstein fandom. I do not say that because I believe Rammstein harbours any sympathies with that ideology - I like you firmly believe them to be a left-leaning band - but simply because people's media literacy skills are in general....ah, how to say this politely?....ah yes, they are fuckin' shit.

Rammstein is a band that rewards those willing to look deeper; those who love satire and those who simply have a good sense of humour. Unfortunately, they also appeal to those who really like when things go BANG.

Now, I also like when things go bang, don't get me wrong - pure sensation can never be underrated in terms of art. However, its a matter of aesthetics versus text. A reasonable person would conclude that these can't be separated: their interaction, whether it be complimentary or contrasting, creates the meaning. In the case of Rammstein, however, there exists a neat line, formed due to the language barrier between the band and the general audience.

This barrier has benefitted Rammstein - I believe they would not have gotten so far if their content was in English, for instance, but it means there are too many who only see "the picture".

The hardness. The hypermasculinity. The violence. The sexual imagery. The stoicism. The evocation of fascism. And all without the crucial framing of the lyrics.

Even when the satire should be self-evident, many miss the cue. Take Links 234 as an example: a song which functions as a politically rally for the left, specifically against the right, and was constructed in response to a reactionary media who sought controversy and not understanding, has ended up as a right-wing marching song in many minds.

It is very frustrating

Even more frustrating is deciding how to deal with this....

Argue with every idiot you see on the internet? Now, that's a Sisyphean task.

Leave the fandom altogether? Well, that feels like a different kind of defeat.

Realistically speaking, there is no silver bullet. One decides what is best for themselves. Personally, I feel no fear participating in the fandom as a queer AFAB person. Reality is different from the online spaces and I have never felt uncomfortable at their concerts, and when online, the block button is a blessing. I have no idea how this recent controversy is going to change the demographic of the Rammstein fandom, but I know I ain't going to fuckin budge to leave space for some Nazi twat. All I can say is, I hope this situation is resolved quickly, and I hope all Nazis die in a fuckin' fire.

That is all.

[pichlive]

Your reaction to the Narrator and what he says is really funny. You’ve basically gone:

I don’t trust you!

Okay, I think you believe what you’re saying. However, I think you’re wrong so I’m going to ignore you.

Wait, where did everyone go… SHIT, was the Narrator right!? Did the world end!?

The Narrator, the Hero and the Smitten are all gone. Are they dead? Did the apocalypse happen!?

Oh, never mind, the Princess is here. The world might still have ended though…

Meh, sometime things need to end for new things to start AKA I don’t care that my choices may have led to the premature and possibly painful death of every man, woman, child, animal and possible the universe itself. The Princess is here and that’s all I care about. Plus, maybe something else with come after this.

Oh good. Things have reset… and the Narrator’s back warning me about the end of the world again yawn

Wait, maybe the Princess made him like this

God, I hate this guy and how he’s – checks notes – doing the thing that the Princess might be making him do. Anyway, I love the Princess and she can do no wrong!

Don’t get me wrong, your reactions are completely understandable. It’s hard to believe a random voice that goes ‘go murder this person or you’ll condemn everyone else to die.’ Anyone would find that sus. Not to mention, while you are being told the Princess will end the world, the only person you’ve actually seen is the Princess and she asks you not to kill her. I do wonder if you’d have been so blasé about the possible end of the world if you’d seen some of the people you may or may not have damned.

It’s just funny that you simultaneous believe the Princess might be the one making him like that and that she’s worth saving but he isn’t. If you’re right and the Princess made him like this, he’s very much a victim but you don’t care because you’ve choice her side.

You’ve said that you’re going to try to save everyone, with the possible exception of the Narrator who you think might be a lost cause. It sucks for the Narrator. You think he believes what he says, that he might even be right, that the Princess might have made him like this and he’s still the only person you aren’t bothered about saving.

oh boy-- outside of the game content! Looks like i've unlocked the voice of The Anon!

so this little dumpster fire of an ask has been waiting in my inbox for… quite some time.

my initial hesitation to answer, more than anything else, was because, sincerely-- the tone of this anon made me think they might pipebomb me with spoilers to prove whatever little weird point they're making here-- if, in hindsight, there even is one worth making.

and also not give you the immediate satisfaction either-- if you even are still here (hi i guess?)

but now that i've finished the game…

well okay for one all i'm going to say is i can tell you haven't even finished the game. maybe even barely watched the demo.

Or by this point, might have gotten beyond that-- given that one ask i also believe you also sent me (from the way you... apparently think my reactions are so '''funny'''), you'd probably have tried to spoil me even more... because i wasn't getting to the points you thought i should???? what is your fucking damage?

but the first reason i wanted to 'answer' this was to show off how completely fucking bonkers you are.

the fact that i KNOW on some level you had to have based all this JUST on my playthrough-- and opinions-- of the game.

my very… incomplete perspective and playthrough of the game at the time you sent this in, btw.

the very… condescending way you word… all of this. because i have a spine i find this more cute than anything, if very annoying and weird.

the fact you seem to make judgement calls… on my morality? from how i play a game? with very Not Real Characters? I mean yeah it wants to draw you in and my choices/opinions for the most part have been genuine but i think ya'll get what i mean here

also i can further tell you have Not Played The Game because of assumptions even I haven't made? or at the time hadn't made? or if you have, uh… well. um. hm. alright then.

but again like-- your assessment of me based on… what was at the time a very incomplete playthrough with what information i had-- and if anything now that i have completed the game, uh, yeah, i'm pretty firm on my perspective.

but also other than shaming me for… beyond siding with, sympathizing with a character… the game wants you to sympathize with and bond with and not getting along as much with a character who, at every corner… listen i don't think he's technically a liar but gaslighting and condescension isn't that great of a look either. but also shaming me for liking her so much when the game is stated outright TO BE A LOVE STORY. DO YOU ALSO GET WEIRD AT PEOPLE WHO PLAY FUCKING DATING SIMS AND LIKE THE CHARACTERS, ANONTHY?

also your weird judgement of my impressions in general. like. it's almost that's what a liveblog is?

'the only person you aren't bothered about saving' is. also interesting. all i'm gonna say is um. anon. genuinely. what the fuck am i supposed to do here to even SAVE the narrator?

but also the insistence i'm playing a game 'wrong' that…… outright says there ARE no wrong choices, just different perspectives (which, i suppose also technically applies to me here-- but my point here being this anon is kind of weirdly fucking judgmental).

hell, even the creators have stated they won't answer any lore questions outright BECAUSE they want it to be interpreted in a variety of ways!

which, speaking of the creators.

i don't know them obviously, but, uh. anon?

i don't… think they'd want you acting like this. like thank god this game is so popular.

i say this because…

let's imagine, for a moment:

i have a weaker spine, and this game is far less popular, and still by an indie studio (granted if it was less popular i might not be playing it but that's beside the point).

let's say i recieve this and decide, at 'best', to modify my playthrough… not according to what i want. but because of some random guy on the internet who's being weird.

suddenly it's incredibly ingenuine for a game that wants you to make YOUR own choices.

or, a step further: i just stop live blogging it. if people think i'm making the 'wrong' choices, why show that, after all?

maybe, at worst, i even stop playing.

anon, if this game HADN'T of gotten the reach it had… how do you think this kind of attitude would affect it? or, hell-- even as popular as it is… this is still… pretty fucking rude to do to other people, and by proxxy the creators to a point.

like, there is the 'don't be a fucking dick in the fandom' part, obviously. shaming other people for their perspective on a game that WANTS you to do so is, uh. pretty boggling.

but there's also the other point that doing this DOES hurt indie creations. not that oh you have to treat them like glass and never debate with each other no no-- but treating people like this when they're publically helping talk about an indie game… is kind of shit, actually!

and to clarify-- i'm not holding myself up as some like, single beacon of the slay the princess fandom, like, god no-- there's a lot more influential people here who have done that way better than me in terms of hyping up this game.

more so that-- well, this isn't for anon. i know i'm not gonna convince them, whoever they are. and, hopefully, since the ask you sent after this, that I can tell is you because you use that cute little condescending indicator of thinking ways i'm playing you don't like/think is 'right' is ''''funny''''-- i've finally been able to block your ass. good riddance to someone who bafflingly was apparently following someone's content they don't really like all that much and don't know how a fucking block button works on their end.

like. are you like this with any friends you have? do you look at them and also like, similarly act like god's rudest little asshole about however they play a game? interpret a media? if you're allowed to determine my apparent entire morality from a short view of my play session i think i'm allowed to determine from this short (unfortunate) window into you that you sound pretty fucking insufferable.

no, this is moreso me-- other than making fun of anon and gawking at them-- going don't fucking do this. not JUST because it's rude-- but it can actually be VERY detrimental to other indie projects, even this one to a point, that's SUPPOSED to have discussion and different interpretation.

don't be this weird asshole.

[ssaalexblake]

there isn’t a power in the world that’d get me to rewatch s3 of stp but i Swear I do in fact remember Jack being shoved in the brig bc he did a murder. Like, i mean, he was not convicted or anything but he was implicated and was going to be put on trial for this among other, smaller, crimes. I’m sure I didn’t make that up. He got out of the brig by trickery (though, he did do so to save the crew of the titan which is honourable, i’ll give him that). 

And while the show Has had more than one member of the cast commit murder, so that isn’t exactly a moral judgement against him narratively even if he did kill somebody, the show has Also generally made a vague effort to portray a justice system. Agnes was cleared of murder charges because of that mind meld, proving that Yes, some kind of justice system is in action here. 

Seven committed murder. Two, in fact. On screen. But the only person she told was Rios and he’s evidently not a snitch. Seven has not been put on trial because, frankly, she’s apparently just better at murder. 

Elnor also had that head lopping off thing going on. I doubt Starfleet has record of this considering where it happened. Also arguments of self-defence may apply. I don’t remember exactly though, I didn’t like that episode (the exposition eps in serials Usually suck and that did not break trend imo). 

So like... Did starfleet just decide to ignore that murder when all this chaos blew over? Was the murder a non issue? I mean it’s not like we can Add contextually to this him controlling crew members against their will to Knowingly cart his ass off to the borg queen which resulted in All That Death and Destruction and Trauma as well, which you’d think would result in Some consequences. Even if the consequences were a psych eval to determine his culpability. Even if they decided he was Not culpable, it would still have been a consequence of all this. 

What i’m saying basically is that it canonically took Agnes a year to get off a murder charge due to somebody messing with her brain in Significantly less complicated circumstances than Mr. Borg Jr who Also had a murder charge against him. 

Yet in a year He’s apparently been fast tracked through the academy that Should take years, only to be assigned to the flag ship, and be sat on a chair on the bridge as a Special Councillor. 

I’ve not been this mad at white man bullshit in scifi since that fuckawful ad astra film where the protag commits muder in space bc he’s such a sad sad man and poor Him and goes back home scott free and then Gets The Girl as a reward. 

I’m not even saying that Jack necessarily Would have been found culpable, it’s canon that people screwing with your brain Is a legal defence in this time bc we saw it with Agnes, and he quite obviously had weird things going on inside his head far out of his control making him act in ways he wouldn’t have done had it not happened, but it’s also canon that the system takes time in Far less complicated situations. 

It also adds insult to injury that even if all the above wasn’t an issue, what happened at the end would Still be a travesty of nepotism and white man self insert characters. But it makes it So So So much worse in context. 

[samtheacesheep]

the champions au

@fairytalepsuedonym​ you did not miss anything, I’ve only talked about the champions au (I’ve been calling it the warlock au until I came up with an actual name that didn’t make it obvious how much I’m ripping off dnd here)  in a discord server and in someone’s tumblr dms, and I’ve not posted anything for it.

so Cav, Dakota, Savannah and Brick are very powerful, very ancient immortals. But they’re also confined to specific areas, so if they wanna do stuff outside of those areas they need to make deals with humans to make them their champions. 

A few centuries ago, they each had champions, and that was fine until Cav’s champion decided “fuck You” and stole a magic artefact and created the pistachions. That champion got beaten and the pistachions were locked away in the earth, but not actually killed.  timeskip, it’s present day, and Milo and co are just existing. Everything is basically how it is in canon, until weird stuff starts happening. Melissa makes some connections, does some research, and finds Savannah. They make a deal, so Melissa is Savannah’s champion.  

Dakota watches for a while until he decides he wants Zack, as Zack is selfless and unlikely to choose to become powerful, and therefore unlikely to misuse his power. He does not exactly give Zack a choice in this (The immortals are definitely somewhat morally grey) and basically pressures him into agreeing.  Mort already knew about the immortals being real and still existing (most people think that they’re a myth) because the knowledge was passed down in his family. He seeks out Brick and becomes his champion

Milo becomes Cav’s champion by accident, because of Murphy’s Law, and Cav can’t take it back. Neither of them wanted it. Cav specifically wanted a strong, heroic champion to make up for his previous error in judgement, and is very unhappy to be stuck with a little kid. He does eventually realise that he got a pretty good deal out of it.  They have to save the world, cue angst

This exists 50% because I love dnd warlocks (despite having never played any lol, I’m a wizard main with a side of artificer), and 50% because I was imagining the song “warrior of the mind” with Melissa and Savannah

[djsherriff-responses]

sending an ask because i believe i know what server you're talking about but you can privately answer this--

if it IS the one I'm thinking of... i was very... 😬 at how many minors were in here-- i understand there's reasons Why for that but. i was expecting an older audience for a very explicitly 18+ show. i also found some of the rules to be very strange? very... 'expecting online discourse' for... what i was expecting to be a more mature environment.

from my experience starting a discord server isn't actually all that bad! the hardest part is putting your foot down early on-- which can be nerve wracking but in the end worth it. id suggest thinking on what kind of people you want to vibe with and also extremely early on putting what is and isn't allowed with a caveat that you can adjust rules as needed.

you can also set it that people have to ask for invites so you can screen who comes in. I've also found good experiences in servers where channels are locked until members ate approved or have read the rules-- for me that tends to prevent trouble makers from coming in.

I think in some countries it’s rated 15+ (that’s what the rating is in the UK) so I wasn’t too shocked about the teenagers being in but it did put me on edge

ESPECIALLY considering the stuff that goes on in the show, kinda hard to discuss the themes of exploitation and the very in your face sexual nature of the show when high schoolers are in chat and for the situation to not get uncomfortable. No one actually did talk about sex in chat to be very clear, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t want a space to talk about that and make sex jokes without fear of some poor teen bearing witness to it

That’s why I just decided to just make public posts instead, a lot less creepy if a kid stumbled upon my posts clearly tagged “not safe for kids” by chance that they can than block/filter out than an adult purposely discussing that topic one on one in a private chat room with them, you know?

I already talked about that one rayfrog comic before so you can see what my opinions are, but when people started talking about it in the server I was really looking forward to criticising it and discussing it with others but than people went “oh this person’s making morally wrong art” and like, that was a massive red flag to me

I don’t know the artist so I can’t make judgement on who they are as a person but combined with some other stuff I seen , it made me feel extremely worried that if I said the “wrong thing” someone would pull some weird art I’ve publicly made and try framing me as “making morally wrong art”

As of now I haven’t any problems with anyone from there personally as everyone treated me kindly, but I didn’t feel comfortable staying there for long

About the discord but ummmm idk I’m not exactly the leader type person and I sometimes just not even bother with chats even when I was in the server as well another few I’ve been in before. I do appreciate the encouragement and advice though, so thank you for that even if I won’t put it to practice

[june-of-earth]

08May(23)

Hey You,

Its been some time since I last spoke to you, or gave some sense of an update of what’s going on in my life. I’m finally in a safe space to do so.

-While listening to Fred Again & Brian Eno’s Album : Secret Life-

9 or so months ago I was in a weird situation. Months prior I got into a bad wreck (No physical damage) that left me financially stuck. Paying bills that would just roll over into the next bill. While at the same time trying to keeping my composure the only way I know how, by just drinking and just being out. Eventually I got let go from my job that I hadn’t put in a full year in. To only lucky to find work shortly after dong something less than what I would normally do.

Time passed the new job seemed to have its potential. I packed everything up and ventured out into asking a coworker for help. Little did I know I would be couch surfing for the next couple of months instead of securing a place to call my home. The place I stayed at was a run down house turned into units. I didn't have a way to get in sometimes so their were moments I had to break in just to get to the unit I was staying in. Most of the people stayed there were either on one or something more stronger than the common recreational drug. (No judgements). All the while my drinking habits continued to dwindle in the loops they always were. Eventually my coworker/roommate got let go, and my living situation was up in the air. My moral at work was slowly diminishing after I was told I wont advance up, and should just try working at another bar if I wanted to do I what I’m passionate about. By the end of November I was taken off the schedule (Silently let go). After my buddy got let go he stopped paying rent and eventually got an eviction notice. He went to court. Lost the case, and had to be out within a month. All the while its Dec-Jan and I’m looking for work.

I hit up a old colleague to catch up on life, & my situation. He got into solar sales, and was slowly working his way on making a living with it. Told him my situation and he offered to help me out. By this time it’s Jan and we are now staying pass the eviction date. Leaving the place felt like walking on eggs shells on getting caught/told to get out. My buddy got a job and was putting his eggs on a new venture. All the while we’re siphoning power from the apartment main grid.

I finally got prospected for work and said, “enough was enough”. I hit up my friend Thomas and he got me out of there. I didn’t tell Adam bye, and I didn’t have to. We all have our own journey and things to tackle. Mine was getting my life back together and him the same. I got hired at this nice theater in town and got prospected for a bartendering job at a Hotel I had my eyes on for work. I did the interview and got hired on the spot. Full-Time w/benefits.

Started in February and have been working there since. The money turned out to be more than I’ve gotten in a long time. I hadn't felt so comfortable nor financially secured/solid in a long time. Surely but Surely the time staying with my buddy Thomas was coming to an end. By the middle of April I pulled the trigger and said (”Its time to get the fuck out of here and do my own thing now!”) So I found a place about 6 mins of a drive commute to work in a nice part of town near my job which is in the heart of downtown SA. 30mins of a walk commute if I don't wanna Uber home.

As of May 5th I can finally saying I passed the bridge of getting my life together. and since the 30th of April I’ve been sober. My next bridge to cross is keeping sobriety part of my life. May sound simple but in my industry it’s income. So finding new habits, discipline and being productive in new ventures I feel will keep me on the right track. Though this is a new beginning and its can shift one way or another. Call it Destiny, Fate, Luck or Just coincidence everything aligning the way that it did only makes my drive to become more stronger, more sharper, and more better than ever before!

I hope everything is going okay or better for you. Feel free to drop a message anytime.

Your Truly,

Rico a.k.a June-of-Earth

p.s.

So... One night being out a few months after I left that trap house and was settled in at the new job (I wanna say March/April). I went out to the bar that I worked at (free man that I am) to have some late night food and drinks. I ran into the tenant next next door to the unit I was staying in (who also worked at my previous job) who told me that the place burned down. To my surprise I asked “When?” When she told me the date is was two days after I packed up and left. So I asked her, “what caused the fire?” Well it turns out it was an electrical fire, and that the other tenants living there (not only my ex-roommate) were siphoning electricity which lead to the place burning down. (Crazy.)

[vigilskeep]

ok here’s how it is. anders is explaining about justice. he says “i didn’t know what would happen. i figured a willing host, a friend... it had to be better than playing the demon and haunting some corpse.” hawke, for reasons best known to himself, selects the (clearly labelled) flirt option that reads “at least he got a nice body”. out loud, he says: “well, he can’t complain about his looks, anyway”, which i suppose is a marginally more human if still baffling way to respond to someone outlining their trauma

anders responds with “growing up in the circle...” etc. etc., starting on a somewhat lengthy explanation that ultimately boils down to saying that karl was his ex. it does not follow on from hawke’s flirt line about his looks at all. they are having two separate conversations. hawke may choose to ask him to elaborate abt his past relationship, selecting an investigate dialogue option that reads “together?” and is voiced as “you... and karl?” with a surprised tone. (if hawke does not investigate, they simply select a dialogue choice responding to what happened to karl and we move on.)

anders responds again with a somewhat lengthy explanation (this feels judgemental i’m just not typing all that sorry king </3) that ultimately boils down to saying he’s bi. it’s kind of in a weird tone that reads like he’s saying being bisexual is a moral choice made because he’s “always believed” in loving a whole person not just a body. but we’re not getting into all that. the main point is that it ends with him saying “does it bother you that i’ve... been with men?”

hawke has three dialogue options to respond to that question. the first is straight up labelled “yes” with a broken heart and hawke says “let’s not speak of this again.” (anders somewhat angrily says “fine, i hear you. strictly professional” and the conversation abruptly ends, skipping any further dialogue.) the second is “no” with a heart and the voiced line is “i’m just glad it didn’t take me any longer to find out”, which, okay, how did it take you THIS long, but sure. (anders smiles and then continues having an entirely separate conversation abt the templars and also his dead ex.) the third is “i’ve never thought about it” with a neutral choice label, which is straight up hilarious when not even one minute ago hawke selected an option labelled clearly with nice body. i feel like maybe hawke possibly has thought about it a little. hawke is perhaps experiencing some realisations. hawke says “i just had... never considered...” (anders responds “well, perhaps i’ll give you time to consider, then... in as much detail as you fancy. this is hardly the time or place, anyway. not after karl...” which is an actual human response and segues fairly normally into the next dialogue. why is this the best one.)

i was going to go through the other possible branches but i’m not doing all that tonight. suffice it to say if he flirts with you unprompted, you definitely get the vaguer “am i making you uncomfortable?” instead of anders straight up asking you yes or no does it bother you that he’s bi, though i believe the response from anders to a yes is similar. anyway all of this occurs AFTER a conversation where hawke can have already immediately flirted with anders, directly after he mercy killed his ex, by telling him being possessed explained his “whole sexy tortured look”. in fact i was playing from a save where i had done that when i tested all of these options. if you were wondering

i’ve mentioned before how insane it is that you can exclusively be homophobic to anders after flirting with him as a male character, NOT when he flirts with your male character unprompted where, while equally a hell of a choice to offer the player character, it would at least make basic sense. another fun fact is that it’s ALSO only when you flirt with him as a male character that, when he over-explains the concept of bisexuality to you, you can choose to stammer like hawke has never heard of gay people before. all “i just... never considered...” which i can get more behind because you know it’s not actual straight up homophobia, and it’s also definitely continued like a flirt line and objectively a hilarious way to find that out about yourself, but still, bizarre writing. hawke you JUST flirted with him what did you THINK was going on here

[briarworthandoleander]

So I’ve recently been hearing some worrying stuff from my usual hunting party…

We like to hang out and stuff after hunts, and we often joke around about things, but they’ve started saying some weird stuff. They keep laughing and joking about the pain of the monsters. Stuff like how funny they are when they limp or joking about keeping them alive while they’re carved

When I try and ask them to stop, they say “chill they’re just monsters” and keep joking. I’m really softspoken most of the time, so I’m too scared to really speak up. They also help me with my first aid after hunts and stuff, and I’m worried I won’t be able to find another hunting party.

Should I report this sort of speech to the guild? I’m kinda stuck as to what I should do.

A common issue within the guild is you have to remember a lot of folks who become hunters were people who had their homes and livelihood destroyed by Monsters; or are the children of people who have - and are led on by stories that build up their ignorance, intolerance and callousness. It's hatred and resentment that one can sympathise with though that doesn't make their current actions okay. Far from it.

One would hope that with training and lessons in ecology a person could gain a newfound understanding of why such tragedies happen and what can be done to prevent them, but people are...difficult, it's often overlooked that ones moral values and sense of justice impedes their judgement when personal tragedy has taken so much from them and those they care for.

Of course, you should report them - our job as hunters is to make things easier for everyone; including monsters. Undoubtedly there are issues here that need to be scrutinized and looked into, and sometimes there are just people who should not be privy to the hunt.

Could you truly justify your actions in letting this behavior continue just because they personally provided you with aid?

- Leo Briarworth

[onceuponastory]

boyfriend - bucky barnes x y/n

"I love everything about you girl, don't you understand? I love you from head to toe girl, but I hate your boyfriend" - boyfriend: lou bega yes mambo no. 5 lou bega

Plot: Bucky is in love with his best friend Y/N. But unfortunately, his best friend has a boyfriend, and Bucky hates his guts. Warnings: Alcohol, some violence (but no abuse) and a small mention of sex. Also a small spoiler for TFATWS finale - just Sam's new job. Notes: So, my first Bucky fic is here! I've loved this song for a long time, and I listened to it again last week, and this fic was born. I recommend you listen to the song, because it's so upbeat and catchy, and I've tried to reflect that in this fic by making it more funny than angsty...but there is some angst ;) Oh also, Lou keeps calling the girl darling in the song, which is definitely a thing Bucky would do I think.

Also this is at least 7k words, probably even more. So sit back, relax and enjoy!

As Bucky Barnes watches his best friend Y/N sing to herself as she moves around her apartment, he smiles. The two of them have been friends for almost two years by this point, and hang out together almost every day. And for almost two years, Bucky Barnes has been head over heels in love with her. He loves everything about her: her smile, how gorgeous she looks, her sunny disposition, the way she’s the only one who can cheer him up after a nightmare...and so on and so forth. Y/N comes and sits beside him on the couch, grinning. “What are you thinking about?” She asks.

“Oh nothing.” He lies. Of course, he knows he can’t tell her that he’s in love with her. Especially since he knows there’s no way she feels the same about him. Before Y/N can reply, there’s a knock at the door, and she springs up to answer it.

“Sean! Hey!” She grins, pecking him on the lips and leading him inside, her arm wrapped around his waist. “Bucky! You remember my boyfriend Sean, right?” She asks.

“Yes, I do. Hey Sean.” He gives him a small wave from his position on the couch, which Sean returns, before being led into the kitchen by Y/N. Once they’re out of sight, Bucky’s smile falls. Sean is the big reason why he can’t tell Y/N that he’s in love with her. He might not know much about love, given he’s over a hundred years old, but he does know that you can’t tell people things like that and destroy their happiness, even if he wishes it was him she was with. Everytime he’s around, or even when she talks about him, a big grin is present on her face. And it tears him apart inside. But despite how happy she is around him, and how he knows that her happiness is all that matters, Bucky can’t stand Sean at all.

It’s not even just because he’s dating the girl he’s been in love with from the moment he met her. Bucky just...gets bad vibes from him, and doesn’t trust him as far as he can throw him (which, considering his metal arm, is quite far actually). He can’t explain why he dislikes him so much, he just does. And because of that, he refuses to get to know Sean any more than he has to, despite Y/N’s wishes for them to both get along. He knows it breaks her heart, but he can’t help it. He got through the last eighty or so years of his life trusting only himself, and isn’t about to stop now. But, his distrust of Sean for no reason is still confusing to him, so he decides he has to get to the bottom of it.

So, as soon as he can, Bucky visits another friend of his and Y/N’s.

~*~*~*~*~

“No, I cannot send Red Wing after her boyfriend to spy on him. Are you insane?! I thought all that mindless killing and spy stuff was behind you?” Sam asks.

“Okay first of all, ouch, and secondly, it is. I just hate HIM. I don’t trust him one bit.”

“Well...is he hurting her? Do you think she’s in danger?” Mulling it over, Bucky shakes his head.

“No. I just....think he’s weird and gross. He just...I don’t know! I just don’t like him Sam, is that really a big issue?!”

“It is when you’re trying to send The Avengers after him! And besides, if she’s not being hurt, there’s nothing we can do.” Huffing, Bucky rolls his eyes. “Why don’t you just spend time with him?” Sam asks. “I mean, you don’t like him, but Y/N has clearly got her heart set on this man, so there’s got to be something you’re missing. Maybe that robot brain of yours needs re-working.”

“Well, he did ask if I wanted to hang out, maybe get some coffee together a few weeks ago. And it’d make Y/N happy if we hung out more...” He trails off, and Sam starts nodding.

“See! You’re right! And after all, as long as Y/N’s happy, that’s all that matters...right Bucky?” Bucky is silent for a while, and Sam almost makes another crack at how he can hear the gears turning in his robot brain, but Bucky soon speaks up.

“Okay, I’ll do it.” Sam starts grinning. “But I uh...I’ll need some moral support there. Some help...guy to guy, you know.” Sam’s grin immediately disappears.

“Ohhh no. No no no. I am not getting dragged into this. Whatever’s between you and this dude is your business. I want no part of this.”

“Come on Sam! Please?!” Bucky asks. “That way you can see that it’s not just all in my head. I’m not wrong, I promise. You can trust my judgement.”

“Ah yes, because your judgement has been so great before...” Sam mumbles, but Bucky doesn’t respond to that.

“And after all, I think it’s an important part of my therapy, you know, making new friends and all that. I’m sure both the doc and Y/N will be pleased to hear that.” Sam shakes his head.

“I don’t care, I’m still not getting dragged into this.”

~*~*~*~*~

“I hate you.” Sam whispers, glaring at Bucky from across the Starbucks table. Bucky ignores him, and stares out the window, looking for Sean. “I cannot believe you dragged me into this.” Sam continues to complain.

“Shut up Sam.” Bucky orders, continuing to stare out the window.

“Oh, you’re going to be like that? You know Bucky, it’s really rude-“ Bucky suddenly sits up straighter, seeing Sean walking through the door.

“Shut up Sam.”

“Hey! You don’t- ouch!” Sam gasps as Bucky’s foot makes a connection with his ankle in an attempt to shut him up. “Thank god his foot’s not made of vibranium...” Sam hisses.

“Sean! Over here!” Bucky calls, waving him over as Sam rubs his ankle, continuing to glare at Bucky. Sean heads over to the table and sits down, greeting Bucky with a smile and a hello. Then he notices Sam beside him.

“Oh my god, hi! You’re Sam, right? It’s really nice to meet you. I’m a big fan of Captain America.” He gasps, holding out his hand, which Sam shakes, clearly happy with the attention. Bucky suppresses a groan, knowing Sam will not shut up about this, and will think Sean is great, no matter what he says. “Gotta admit, I didn’t expect to have you join us, but I’m glad you’re here.”

“Yeah, well...I was in the neighbourhood, so.....Bucky invited me to join you both.” Sam lies, giving Bucky a hard stare.

“Well I’m glad you’re here. Both of you. You seem to know her really well, so I’m glad to hang out with you both.” Sean grins, ignoring or failing to notice the tension between Sam and Bucky. “She talks about you both a lot, actually.”

“Oh she does? You know, she talks about you a lot too. It’s nice to finally meet you man.” The pair turn their eyes to Bucky, who still hasn’t said anything, and continues fixing his gaze on Sean.

“Um, hi Bucky. It’s nice to see you again. How have you been?” Sean asks, suddenly looking like he’d rather be anywhere but here.

“Good.” Bucky responds, continuing his staring. Sean’s face flushes.

“Does he uh...does he always stare like this?” Sean whispers to Sam, clearly loud enough for Bucky to hear.

“Yup. All the time. I wouldn’t worry about it too much. He does it to me too. It means he likes you.” Sam lies. Sean starts smiling.

“Oh, it does? That’s good then! Right, I’ll get the drinks then. What are you guys having?” He asks, heading up to the counter after both pass on their orders. As soon as he’s out of earshot, Sam rounds on Bucky.

“What the hell is wrong with you? You’re going to frighten the poor guy to death.” Sam hisses.

“Well, he’s weird right? Something’s off with him. He just doesn't seem genuine.” Bucky fires back. Sam frowns.

“No! He’s been nothing but polite, and you’re staring at him like you’re in Winter Soldier kill mode. Wait, you’re not actually in that...mode are you? You’re not gonna hurt him, right Bucky?”

“Depends how the rest of this goes.” Bucky keeps a close eye on Sean as he waits for the drinks to be made. But so far, Sean seems to be doing nothing wrong or weird, and for a split second, Bucky wonders if he’s the one in the wrong, and that he’s just misguided. That is however, until Sean notices a pretty auburn haired woman is in front of him in line, and Bucky thinks he notices him look down towards her butt. Okay he’s definitely looking at her butt. His gaze lingers for a little while, and Bucky feels the rage building up in him. How could he disrespect Y/N like that? A girl just as beautiful, actually more beautiful than the one in front of him, and yet he disrespects her like this? “See?! He just started staring at her ass!” Bucky hisses, and Sam glances up from his phone, looking over.

“I don’t see anything.” He shrugs, going back to his phone. Bucky huffs.

“Are you serious? You barely looked! And that’s not an okay thing for him to do! I’m going to say something.”

“No. No you aren’t.” Sam orders. “You have no way to tell if that’s even what he did. And even if it was, you are not confronting him in a public Starbucks. Remember what happened last time everyone saw you fighting people?” He asks, and Bucky is immediately reminded of his face all over the news when people thought he killed King T’Chaka, and during the bar fight in Madripoor, when everyone was filming him, ready to post about how dangerous he was all over the internet. Even though he hates to admit it, Sam is right. Making this whole thing public was not a good choice. ...That doesn’t mean he can’t do it in private though. “Listen Bucky, I don’t get why you hate this guy so much, and sure, if he’s really rude or gross, I’d get it. But I’m telling you, I just don’t see it. And in the nicest way, I think you’re just grasping at straws here.” For a second, Bucky considers launching Sam’s phone across the room, and making him look at Sean so he could see what he does, but decides that’s probably not the best thing to do. Stay low and all that. “Now. We’re going to have a nice coffee with Sean, and you’re not going to antagonise him. Right Bucky?” Bucky shakes his head. There was no way in hell he’s going to agree with that. Sam sighs.

“Why are you being like this? Y/N is someone I care about a lot, and I know you care about her too, so why won’t you listen to me and trust me on this?!” Bucky asks, and Sam raises an eyebrow.

“Of course I care about her Buck, but I think you’re going too far with this, and I’m worried it’s going to hurt her in the long run. Trust me on this. This kind of thing never ends well.” Bucky scoffs, and is about to say that he’s not going too far at all, and if Sam just listened and watched, he’d understand where he was coming from. But before he can open his mouth, Sean comes back, carrying a tray with their drinks and some snacks.

“Hey, sorry about your wait. It took longer than expected. I know you guys didn’t ask for them, but I got some cakes too. Y/N told me that you guys love them, so I thought I’d get them too.” He laughs awkwardly, still clearly intimidated by Bucky.

“You did? Well thank you Sean. Isn’t that nice Bucky?” Sam asks, giving Bucky a look.

“Thanks.” Bucky hisses, glaring down at the cake pop on the tray. Sean starts smiling. He’s right, he does like them...just when Y/N buys them for him though. And even though Sam was right about not confronting him in public, that doesn’t mean Bucky has to eat the cake. “I’m not hungry though.” Sean’s face falls, and Sam sighs, rolling his eyes.

“Oh, well...you can eat it later, right?” Sean asks.

“Mhm.” Bucky gives a tiny nod, making Sean look even more scared. Noticing this look and trying desperately to avoid the impending catastrophe, Sam starts up a conversation with Sean, whilst Bucky drinks his coffee and pipes up every so often with a grunt or a nod.

After a while, mostly filled with conversations between Sam and Sean and complete silence from Bucky, Sam gets up to go to the toilet. As he leaves, Sam gives Bucky a look, clearly pleading with him not to launch Sean through the window while he’s away. Bucky rolls his eyes and gestures for Sam to just go, which he does..whilst keeping his eyes on them the entire way there.

“So...” Sean trails off, laughing awkwardly.

”Let me get one thing clear.” Bucky says, and Sean audibly gulps, clearly startled. Bucky leans forward, and Sean immediately looks like he’s about to shit himself in fear. “Y/N means a lot to me. And if you do ANYTHING to hurt her, you will have me to deal with. You understand?” He hisses. Sean nods, still looking startled. “Say it.”

“Y-Yes Bucky...” He stammers out.

“Good. And let me tell you. Don’t think you can just...stare at other girls without repercussions. It wont end well, trust me.”

“But I didn’t...” He begins, and Bucky gives him another glare. He can see the guilt written all over his face. “Anyway. As long as you remember that, that’s all that matters.” He leans back into his seat, and takes another sip of his coffee. The pair sit in silence until Sam returns.

“Hey guys, I didn’t miss much did I? You’re both okay, right?”

“Yup.” Bucky and Sean say at the same time. Sam looks surprised by this, but smiles, clearly happy that Sean hasn’t been launched through the Starbucks window, even though that’s still what Bucky wanted to do.

~*~*~*~*~

After the trio are finished in Starbucks, they stand outside to say their goodbyes. Well. Two of them do at least. “Well, bye guys, it was uh...nice to see you both.” Sean forces a smile, clearly trying to not anger Bucky even more.

“Yeah it was fun! Hopefully we can do this again.” Sam grins, clearly not noticing the awkwardness between them both, or ignoring it. Sean grimaces, and walks away from the pair. Sam waves him off.

“I don’t get why you like him so much.” Bucky sighs, starting to walk back towards his apartment, closely accompanied by Sam, who’s still grinning.

“At first I didn’t understand why you don’t like him, but I think I do now. I realised it when I was in the bathroom.”

“Well, that is where you do most of your thinking.” Bucky counters, rolling his eyes. He already told him why he didn’t like Sean. In his eyes, there wasn’t much else to think about. Sam ignores the dig, and continues:

“It’s because you have a crush on Y/N, isn’t it?” Bucky stops in his tracks, turning towards Sam.

“Uh no, I don’t. Who says I do?!” Bucky lies. Sam’s grin grows even wider.

“Oh yes you DO Bucky. I can’t believe I didn’t notice it before. It’s SO obvious!” Even though he tries desperately to stop it, Bucky feels his cheeks flush. Sam picks up on this immediately. “Ha! I knew it! You like her. I mean, I should’ve noticed sooner, with the way you look at her, and the way you speak about her.”

“Sam, can you shut up?” Bucky hisses. “Please.” Sam’s face softens. “Yes..I like her. I think she’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen, and I’m so glad to be her friend. But that is NOT why I hate Sean. I don’t care who Y/N is with, as long as she’s happy and they treat her well, and I'm worried he isn't going to.” Bucky feels his heart sink as he says that he doesn’t care who she’s with. Of course, he wants it to be him more than anything...but life doesn’t always work out like that. After all, it had treated him so shittily in the past, there’s no way it would also give him the girl of his dreams. Bucky had learned a long time ago that his dreams weren’t meant to come true. But despite that, if he was destined to just be Y/N’s friend, that was okay with him.

“I’m sorry Bucky.” Sam says, sounding genuine. He reaches over and gives Bucky a pat on the back. “For what it’s worth, despite me not seeing Sean the way you do, your support and love for Y/N is really admirable, and shows how good a guy you are. I hope you find love and happiness with someone, even if it’s not with Y/N.”

“Thanks Sam.” Bucky gives a soft smile. He knows he doesn’t deserve it, but it was still nice to hear. The pair resume walking towards Bucky’s apartment.

“I will say though, you gotta work on your anger issues.”

“I don’t have anger issues.”

“...Yeah you do. I saw the way you looked at him. Anyway, I know the best way to do that...video games at your place.”

“Why is it always my place?”

“It’s nice, and you have better games than I do. I have Y/N to thank for that.” Sam walks on ahead, and Bucky rolls his eyes. Even though Sam sometimes gets on his nerves, he’s still incredibly glad to have him as a friend. Even when he eats all the food in his fridge.

~*~*~*~*~

The duo soon arrive at Bucky’s apartment, and are midway through a game of Mario Kart when they’re interrupted by the sound of banging on Bucky’s door. Pausing the game, Sam and Bucky exchange a cautious look as they slowly move towards the door, not wanting to be surprised by something that could be The Avengers’ newest threat. That is however, until a voice sounds through the door:

“JAMES BUCHANAN BARNES, I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE!” Y/N calls. “I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.”

“Ooh, full name. You’re fucked.” Sam says, clearly trying not to laugh. Bucky glares at him, before steeling himself and opening the door. Y/N stands there, her arms folded and a glare on her face. “Oh she looks like you when she glares.” Sam whispers loud enough for just Bucky to hear.

“Um...hey Y/N.” Bucky gives her a small wave.

“Don’t ‘hey Y/N’ me asshole. I need to talk to you.” She orders, walking into the apartment. “Oh, hi Sam. Can I speak to Bucky please? Alone?” She asks, almost hissing the words.

“Don’t have to tell me twice.” Sam responds, holding his hands up in surrender and leaving the room, taking a bowl of M&Ms with him. As soon as the door clicks shut behind Sam, Y/N unleashes her anger on Bucky.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” She asks. For a second, Bucky almost responds with ‘many, many things’ but he realises that might be the wrong thing to say. Y/N does not look like she can handle jokes right now. “Sean told me about your coffee date. I know you’re not the best person with socialising but GOD Bucky, are you even trying to be civil to him?”

“Doll, listen...” Bucky begins, but she cuts him off.

“Nope. Nuh uh. You do not get to call me that right now. And I’m not even finished speaking.” Bucky takes the hint and shuts up. “Everytime he speaks, or even breathes, you look like you want to wring his neck!”

“No I don’t!”

“Yes you do! I’ve seen it! And not even that, you THREATENED HIM!”

“Hey, I’m just being protective of you!” Bucky defends, trying not to feel bad. This is their first fight...ever, and he hates it. Especially because he’s trying to protect Y/N, and she just won’t listen.

“That’s not being protective! That’s being weird and creepy!”

“Exactly what I said!” Sam calls from the other room.

“Thanks Sam.” Bucky and Y/N say in unison. They both look at each other, the argument the last thing on their minds. “...Jinx.” Bucky whispers, smiling. For a second, a smile creeps its way onto Y/N’s face, and Bucky feels hopeful that they can have a civil conversation. But then, Y/N clearly remembers where she is, and the smile falls.

“Bucky...please don’t do that. Please don’t.” She pleads. She looks sad to be fighting with him, and Bucky feels a pang in his chest. Both about their fight, and about what he needs to tell her.

“I’m sorry d-Y/N.” He quickly clarifies. He takes a seat on his couch, beckoning for her to join him, which she does. He takes her hands in his, gently running his thumb over her knuckles with his non metal hand. “It may seem like I’ve been too hard on Sean, but trust me, I do have my reasons.” Y/N frowns, and Bucky continues. “When we were out...I saw him staring at another girl. He definitely stared at her butt. And because I care about you, I wanted him to know that wasn’t acceptable, and if he hurts you, he’ll have to answer to me.” Y/N is silent for a few seconds, frowning as she takes it all in. Bucky waits patiently, waiting to support her when she needs it. Finally, she speaks.

“Oh my god...” She begins. But just as Bucky is about to comfort her, she finishes her sentence. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” She scoffs. Bucky starts frowning, and before he can speak, Y/N stands up, pulling her hands out of his grasp. “I can’t believe you Bucky. First you threaten my boyfriend, and now you stoop so low to make up lies about him! I know you don't like him, but even so, that's no excuse.”

“B-But I didn’t! I saw it!” Bucky stammers, quickly getting up.

“Oh you did, did you? Did you also see a unicorn? Did you see a flying pig? Come on Bucky, just tell me the truth. You didn’t see those things because they don’t exist. I know he wouldn’t do that to me.”

“...And you don’t trust me?” He asks.

“I thought I did, but I don’t know if I can anymore.” She replies. Bucky swears he feels his heart shatter in that moment. A mixture of anger and pain begin to build in his stomach, and he feels tears welling up in his eyes. “I know. Why don’t we ask Sam what he saw?” She asks, walking towards the room. Bucky gasps, trying to reach out and stop her.

“No...no you don’t have to.” Scoffing, she turns around.

“Why? Because he didn’t see it?” She asks. Instead of letting him answer, she opens the door to a startled Sam, still clutching the bowl. “Sam. Did you see what Bucky said he saw? Did Sean cheat on me with a girl in Starbucks?”

“Well, I personally didn’t see it, but-“

“And that’s all I need.” Y/N sighs. She turns back to Bucky, her eyes shimmering with tears. “Just...I don’t know what I can say to you.” She sniffles. “I thought you were my friend.”

“Doll, I am, I swear-“

“I SAID DON’T CALL ME THAT!” She snaps, tears spilling from her eyes. “I...I need to go. Sean’s waiting on me. Just. Leave us alone please. I can’t be friends with you if you can’t respect me and my relationship. If you want to apologise, you know where to find me.” She starts walking towards the front door.

“Wait.” Bucky gasps, and Y/N stops in her tracks. “Please believe me Y/N. I wouldn’t lie to you about this.” She stays silent. “Please Y/N.” Bucky repeats, moving closer towards her. When he sees he’s getting no response, he feels the anger rising. “I’m not apologising for being right!” He says louder than he expected to. Y/N sniffles again, and Bucky immediately regrets his tone.

“Well....I guess this is goodbye then.” Y/N says, and Bucky can hear her start to cry. ”Goodbye Bucky. Bye Sam.” Without another word, she opens the door of Bucky’s apartment and leaves, closing the door behind her.

Bucky stands there for what feels like an eternity, just staring at the door. Part of him knows he should run after her, but it feels like his feet are rooted to the ground. So instead, he stands there, waiting for the slim chance of her coming back. At this point, he doesn’t even care who’s right or wrong...he just wants to apologise to her and have her back in his life. As time goes on, he slowly starts to accept she’s not coming back. When he said he felt his heart shatter before, this feels like the tiny shards were stabbing him, and piercing every part of him. And despite everything Bucky has been through, the fights, the torture, the nightmares...this pain hurts more than anything he’s ever experienced in his life.

“Bucky...” He registers Sam’s voice from beside him, but can’t even say anything back to him. “Are you....are you alright?” Sam asks. Bucky can tell from his voice that he knows he’s asking a dumb question. How the hell could anyone be okay after an argument like that? But he knows that Sam’s a therapist, and that’s what they do. His own doc would do the same. But the question still made him realise that he is definitely not okay. A tear falls from his eyes and rolls down his cheek, and Bucky says the only thing he’s able to say.

“I’ve lost her forever Sam.”

~*~*~*~*~

In the weeks after his argument with Y/N, Bucky has become even more reclusive than he is usually. He barely leaves his apartment, only venturing outside to go to his appointments or to get food. Aside from seeing his doctor and occasionally replying to Sam’s texts, he has no other social interactions. Y/N was his everything: his best friend...actually, his only friend, and one of the only girls he’s ever loved. And now, she was gone. And it was like Bucky’s happiness and joy for life left with her. After all, she was usually the reason why he was happy. Well...the only reason.

But he doesn’t judge her for being upset at him. Bucky has started to blame himself for what happened. Maybe he had seen things that didn’t exist, or taken things the wrong way. All he wants to do is go over to Y/N’s apartment, apologise to her and get her back. He doesn’t even care about being with her, he just wants to be her friend again. Unfortunately, Bucky is far too scared to do it. The last time they saw each other was filled with so much pain and tears, he didn’t want to put them both through that again. That and he was terrified it wouldn’t work out, and that he’d never see her again. So instead, he did nothing. He felt horrible about it, but he knew it was the best option, and nobody else would get hurt.

However, one day, Bucky has decided he’s fed up with being stuck in his apartment, and chooses to go for a walk. Once he is outside, he walks towards the park. As he walks, he takes a deep breath, enjoying the fresh air and the sun on his skin. He just wishes Y/N was here with him. Memories flash through his mind of spending time with her, having picnics together, buying ice creams for each other, giving her piggy back rides, running for shelter in the rain, playing catch and almost hitting people in the face because he forgot about the true strength of his arm. The memories are full of laughter, and Bucky almost starts laughing as he remembers them. But then he remembers that they’re not friends anymore, and his smile fades. He continues walking, trying his best to ignore the guilt.

As he looks around, he looks up and sees a familiar face from across the park, stopping him in his tracks. Is that...Sean? It definitely looks like him. Bucky realises he’s finally been granted a second chance. All he has to do is go over there, apologise and then everything would be better again. But as he’s making his way over to him, Bucky realises he’s not alone. Sean is accompanied by a woman. A woman who definitely isn’t Y/N. Although the can feel anger rising within him, Bucky takes a deep breath. Maybe he got it wrong again, and this isn’t Sean, or the woman he’s with is a distant relative? Or a friend? ...And then Sean pulls her close, and kisses her on the lips. Okaaaay....maybe Sean somehow has an identical twin who just so happens to live in the same town as them, and who neither he nor Y/N have mentioned before? Bucky suddenly realises the pair are heading towards him, and he’ll have to hide, or risk being discovered.

Thankfully, even though Bucky is still trying to forget the time he spent as the Winter Soldier, he hasn’t forgotten the stealth that came with it. So, he manages to find a hiding spot. Unfortunately, the park isn’t the best and most stealthiest place to hide, especially not for a man with a metal arm. So, Bucky has to resort to turning away and using his jacket’s collar as a form of protection. Thankfully, neither notice him, and walk past him. As they do, he hears a part of their conversation:

“Sean! You’re so bad!” She laughs.

“Can you blame me? You’re just so gorgeous baby.” Bucky feels his fists clenching as the reality begins to sink in. He was right. Sean is cheating on Y/N. He’s cheating on his best friend and the girl he’s been in love with since they first met. Bucky almost runs after Sean and confronts him. But before he does, his mind pictures Y/N, sifting alone in her apartment, completely unaware of the truth. And he realises what he has to do. So he starts to run towards her apartment.

On the way there, all Bucky can think about is the heartbreak that will be on her face when he tells her the truth. It’s going to break both of their hearts, but he has to do it. Soon, he reaches her building, and heads up to her apartment. As he knocks, he hopes to every god that she’s not in, so he doesn’t have to break the bad news to her. But despite all his hopes, the door opens, and Y/N peeks out. A smile grows onto her face when she sees Bucky, which causes another pang at his heart. How can he do this to her?

“Bucky...hi.” She smiles. “I was wondering if you’d come round. I need to talk to you. I-“

“Y/N listen.” Bucky cuts her off. She looks at him, her eyes curious. Sighing, he continues. “I have to tell you something. I was just at the park, and I saw Sean with another girl.” Y/N scoffs, and almost cuts in, but Bucky continues. “Please, hear me out. I know you probably don’t believe me, but I did see it, I promise. And the way they spoke about each other....I’m so sorry.”

“Seriously Bucky? You’re doing this again?” She sighs. “I’m sorry, but I don’t believe you. I trust Sean. I know you don’t trust him, but I know him better than you do. He wouldn’t do this. You don’t need to lie about him.” Bucky feels himself deflate slightly at that. Why won’t she believe him? Okay, maybe the first time, it was unbelievable, but now?

“...That’s not it at all! I’m just trying to protect you!” Bucky says. Y/N looks at him, a sympathetic look in her eyes.

“Well, I appreciate it, but I really don’t need you to. Sean and I were talking and-“ Bucky groans. That’s just what he needed. “And maybe...I don’t know, you’re jealous? Or you’re upset that I’m not spending as much time with you? If you are that’s okay, I’d understand. You don’t have to make up these lies. Both Sean and I are willing to sit and chat with you about this if you want, or I can come with you to your next therapy appointment if that’s easier.”

“No.” Bucky shakes his head. “I’m not lying. Please...why won’t you believe me?”

“Because I love him, and he loves me. When I'm with him, I'm happy, and so is he. Why would he do anything to jeopardise that?” Bucky feels his heart break again. Especially because he knows Sean doesn’t love her as much as he says he does. “Look, why don’t you come in for some tea, or a beer?” She offers, standing aside for him. Close to tears again, Bucky shakes his head.

“I’m sorry Y/N. But I can’t. If you don’t want to hear the truth because you’re so in love, I..I guess I understand. But I can’t stay here and watch you both together, knowing the kind of person he is.” He reaches out and gently takes her hands in his. “If you need me, you know where to find me. If not...well, I guess this is goodbye.” He whispers. He can see her face fall, and he turns and walks away. Bucky manages to maintain a straight face until he reaches the elevator, and then...he lets the tears fall.

 ~*~*~*~*~ 

In the days after Bucky said goodbye to Y/N, he feels even worse than he did the first time. This time feels more final. Now he doesn’t venture out of his apartment at all. Sam has been trying his best to talk to him, and get him outside, but Bucky has been ignoring him. He knows he shouldn’t be ignoring his friend, especially after losing one already...but by this point, Bucky has decided that he might as well lose all his friends at this point. He just doesn’t care anymore.

One day, almost two weeks since Bucky said goodbye to Y/N, he gets up around the middle of the afternoon, ready to spend this day like any other. But he’s soon stopped by a knock on his door. “Go away Sam!” He calls. But the knocking continues. “I’m not answering the door!” But still, the knocking doesn't stop. Bucky huffs, and stomps towards the door, flinging it open. “Sam! I told you to leave me alo-....Oh.” There, stands Y/N, tears streaming down her face. Seeing her there, Bucky is silent for a while. Part of him is convinced he’s still dreaming, and almost pinches himself to check he isn’t. But before he can do that, Y/N speaks, her voice shaky. 

“I owe you an apology.” Bucky stands aside, letting her in, which she gladly accepts. She sits on his couch, bringing her knees up to her face as Bucky closes the door. 

 “Do you uh..do you want something to drink? Or eat?” He offers. Y/N shakes her head, and Bucky sits down beside her. “What happened?” He asks, although he already has a feeling what it is. 

 “Well...you were right. He cheated on me. I uh...I came home from work early, and went over to his place to surprise him. I let myself in and...he was fucking some girl on the couch. Guess I got the surprise.” She sniffles again, before bursting into tears.

“Oh doll...” Bucky soothes. “Come here.” He opens his non metal arm, and she scoots over to him. He wraps his arm around her, pulling her into his chest, and holds her as she cries. Anger grows within him as she cries her eyes out. He’s going to kill him. 

 “I’m...I’m sorry Bucky. I just feel...so stupid! How could I have not believed you! You were just trying to tell me the truth...and I didn’t listen! I said you were a liar!” She wails, and Bucky rubs her back. 

 “No, no. It’s okay. You don’t have to apologise.”

“B-B-But I was so horrible to you, a-and condescending. I’m the worst friend ever!” She sniffles. Bucky knows his shirt is definitely drenched with tears by now, but he doesn’t care. All he cares about is making sure Y/N is happy. 

 “Y/N. It’s okay. Honestly. You were in love, and that’s totally understandable. I wouldn’t have believed me either.” She looks as if she doesn’t fully believe what he’s saying, but doesn’t say anything regardless. Instead, they both sit together, and Bucky gently rubs her back and down her arms, letting her cry out all her tears. “Tell you what. How about you stay over here tonight? I think there’s still some of your things here from when you last stayed over. I have a shirt I can give you if there isn’t. We can order some takeout, whatever you want, and we can play some video games...watch a movie, even one of those Disney ones you like so much.” Y/N smiles at that, and Bucky smiles with her. "There’s that smile I love so much. And tomorrow, I’ll go with you to his place, and we can grab your stuff. I can also kick his ass, or just stand around looking intimidating, whatever works.” Y/N lets out a loud laugh at that, making Bucky’s smile grow even wider. Hearing her laugh again is great. 

 “You are great at that, I have to admit.” She nods. Bucky winks. “Thanks Bucky. You’re the best. I don’t know what I did to deserve you in my life.” Bucky’s heart soars at that. It’s been a long time since someone told him that. 

 “You know doll, I ask myself the same question about you too.” He responds, making her smile. Before either can say anything though, there’s another knock at he door. Both look at each other, confused. “Sam? Is that you?” Bucky calls. They get their answer a few seconds later.  

“Y/N? Are you in there? Let me in please!” Sean’s voice calls. 

“Oh god, what is he doing here?” Y/N groans. Getting progressively angrier and protective, Bucky gets up off the couch, heading towards the door. Y/N gets up too, and Bucky gently moves her behind him for protection. Bucky opens the door, and Sean looks up, spotting Y/N behind Bucky. 

“Oh of course. She ran to the cyborg.” He scoffs. Bucky can smell some alcohol on his breath. His body tenses. 

“Sean, what the fuck?! Don’t speak to him like that! Especially not when you’re the one who I just caught cheating on me.” Y/N orders, but she’s ignored. Sean looks at Bucky’s angry face, and laughs. 

“I should’ve known. I can’t believe you’re getting mad at me for cheating once. Look at the two of you! Maybe I should’ve kept my eyes on you both. Who’s to say you didn’t cheat on me with him, huh?” Bucky’s fists clench, and Sean picks up on this immediately. “Oh, look. What are you going to do to me, Winter Soldier? Are you going to kill me?” Bucky thinks it over for a moment, then laughs. Sean looks confused. 

“I was thinking about it, but actually no, I won’t. I think I’ll let her handle it.” He smirks, standing aside to let Y/N step forward. She does...and immediately kicks Sean right in his balls, causing him to double over and groan in pain. 

“You’re a fucking asshole. Bucky was right about you, and I should’ve listened to him instead of your dumb ass. Because of you, I almost lost one of the best things I've ever had in my life. And you only cheated on me once? Really? Somehow, I doubt that.” She hisses. “Tomorrow, I’m going to come and pick up my stuff, and you can come and get yours from mine. Whether it’ll all be intact or in the garbage, I don’t know. After that, you’re going to stay away from Bucky and I. Do you understand?” When he doesn’t reply fast enough, she kicks him in the leg, causing another groan. “Do you understand?!” She repeats, her voice angrier. 

 “Yes! Yes! I got it!” He says quickly. Y/N stands up straight again. 

“Good. Now go back to whoever you were fucking on the couch, and leave us the fuck alone.” She orders, walking back into the apartment and slamming the door. 

“Hey! That was great!” Bucky grins. “You sure showed him better than I ever could.” 

“You really think so?” She asks, still slightly hyped on adrenaline. Bucky holds his arms out, pulling her into a tight hug. 

“Yes! Of course I do!” He encourages, squeezing her even tighter. They stay like that for a while, until the pair suddenly realise just how close they are to each other. They awkwardly spring apart, and both blush. Even though Bucky likes being so close to her, and wishes it could be like that all the time...he also knows how weird it is to do that to his best friend, especially when she just found her boyfriend cheating on her. “Um...wanna order a pizza?” He asks, and Y/N nods.

~*~*~*~*~ 

Later that night, Bucky and Y/N lay side by side on Bucky’s couch, a large cheese pizza between their legs, and an half finished bottle of rosé on the floor beside the couch...mostly for Y/N. The opening song to Beauty and the Beast plays on the television in front of them. “Here’s where she meets Prince Charming, but she won’t discover that it’s him til chapter three....” Y/N sings to herself, and she looks over at Bucky as she does. A small smile plays on her lips, and she starts to giggle. Bucky raises an eyebrow, asking if everything is okay. “It’s uh...it’s dumb. Well, not dumb. I was being dumb.” Y/N speaks quickly, before giggling even more. Bucky looks confused, and she continues. “I probably shouldn’t say this until I’m sober, but I’ve had a rough day and I have to let this out. It’s been eating me up inside for the past few days, and this afternoon.” 

Bucky pauses the movie, and turns to her. “Well that line kind of fits us! I mean....uh. I wasn’t being entirely honest with you at first. When Sean came over, and he said he should have kept his eyes on us, uh...” She takes a breath in an attempt to compose herself. “A few days ago, we had an argument about you...well, me and you.” She clarifies. “He was convinced that I liked you more than I liked him, and when I was on my way over here, I had a think about it, and....I think he’s maybe right.” Bucky almost feels his heart stop at that moment. She...likes him? Does she mean..in that way? Y/N continues. “I asked myself why I kept listening to him instead of you, and I realised...I wasn’t ever in love with him that much. But you...god Bucky, I’ve been in love with you since I met you. I just didn’t think you liked me in that way, so when a guy showed up who said he liked me, I kind of jumped at that and didn’t want to lose it, even when it’s obvious he didn’t love me. I was just so desperate to be loved, I blocked everything else out. And look where it got me.” She scoffs, finishes her glass of wine, and places it down. “I’m sorry Bucky. For everything.” 

“You don’t have to apologise. I told you.” Bucky replies, still in shock she might like him back. 

“I know, I know, but I do. And for what it’s worth, it’s okay if you don’t like me in that way. I just had to let it out. I’d understand if you don’t.” Without even responding, Bucky leans forward, and gently presses a kiss to her lips. 

 “Well...I do. I have for a long time.” He whispers. Y/N’s eyes go wide, and her cheeks flush.

“Oh...” She trails off. “Well, would you uh...would you like to go out with me sometime? On a date?” She asks. Bucky chuckles softly. 

“I would love to. But first, can I ask you to do something for me?” Y/N nods. “Can you kiss me again?” He asks. Smiling, both lean forward, pressing a kiss to each other’s lips. Even though both have no idea where their relationship will go from here, they’re ready to face it together.

And this time, Bucky doesn’t hate her new boyfriend. At least...not too much.