#I’m not even at the panic or stressed stage I’m just PISSED OFF

[strandnreyes]

so sick of the “gen z is the future” rhetoric because the white males my age are some of the most misogynistic people I know, and that’s the tip of the iceberg. they adopted the mindset of their fathers and their father’s fathers. they care for them and their kind

[finelinevogue]

What if a security guard wouldn’t let you back in the arena if you went out to get something. And they didn’t believe that you were harrys gf and just thought you were a crazy fan

oooh it’s been done before but here’s my version!! ;

You were running late.

It was already 7pm and you were only getting out of your car in the car park. Harry was due to be on stage in an hour and you hadn’t even seen him yet. The traffic around Dallas today has been awful. Chocker block. You’d been with Harry all day, up until 3 hours ago when he had to leave the hotel to come to the stadium for rehearsals. Normally you’d go with him, but you were so tired that you wanted a little nap before coming. The problem here was you overslept.

There were no Ubers available and a taxi would be far too expensive at this time, so you drive in Harrys car instead. You’d been following Harry on tour in his car, so when you get to different destinations you can go out on ball day trips if you want to without the obscenity of a huge tour bus or paying for Ubers everywhere. It was the main reason you were so tired though, travelling across country and into different time zones. It would be so much easier if this was the UK.

You grabbed your purse and your jacket, locking the car as you got out and started running for the backstage entrance. It was easy to make it there and you noticed security guards already standing there.

“Hi!” You smiled, slightly short of breathe. You were about to move past them when one of them shoved your shoulder back, making you stumble back unbalanced. “Wha—”

“ID and backstage pass to get through here.” One of them said, looking you up and down as if you were nothing.

If anything, you were quite shocked on how they just treated and continued to treat you. Normally, Harry would show a picture of you to these backstage security guards to make sure you’d be able to get in no problem, but it seemed like today Harry might’ve forgotten to show that photo. This was going to be a problem for you, because you’d forgotten to bring your backstage pass.

“I normally just go through? I’m Harry’s girlfriend.” You tried talking your way around the situation, not appreciating behind held up so close to show-time.

“Oh you’re Harry’s girlfriend? You must be the 7th one we’ve met tonight.” The security guy laughed and so did his friend, making your blood boil with how annoying they were being. Harry would be so pissed if he heard the way they were treating you.

“No but I actually am.”

“Then, ID and backstage passes.” One of then held out his hand whilst the other crossed his arms over his chest to make him look intimidating. Dickheads.

“I have ID just not the backstage passes.” You answered honestly, holding out your ID for them to check. They collected it and asked you questions on it, you answering them all perfectly.

“Well you definitely know you, but you have no proof you’re supposed to be where you claim to be.” They handed you back your ID and you huffed in stress.

“Well what can I show you? Photos of me and Harry together? Text messages?” You waved your arms around, getting really pissed off that this was actually happening. You’d probably miss Jenny’s whole set because of this and then 15 minutes before show-time Harry gets transported under the stage. So you only really would have half and hour with him, and that’s just not enough time. You wanted a safe and warm hug off him. You wanted a kiss. You just wanted him.

“Everyone knows they can be photoshopped.” One of the guys scoffs at your notion.

“Listen. You either show us your backstage pass or we’ll escort you off site.” The other one says a lot more firmer this time. It made you quite anxious for what you’d do if they did that - or maybe when they did that.

“Well I don’t have the backstage passes.” You sighed, rolling your eyes at the way this was going to end.

“Then let’s go.” One of them pointed to where you came from and to the car park, stepping forwards as he did so.

“I’m not leaving until you let me through those doors. My boyfriend is waiting for me.” You answered, taking a step back in stress of what they might do.

“Harry ain’t your boyfriend. Now let’s go!” They stepped forwards again and reached for you.

You swung your bag at one of them, hitting him in his side and he grunted because of the impact of your water bottle with his chest. The other one grabbed your arm and you couldn’t shake him, since you were not trained in any way for situations like this at all. His fingers dig into your skin and it made you scream out a cry, trying to kick him in any way to escape. The other one recovered ever ordered the guy holding you to escort you away whilst he stayed and guarded the door. The one holding you tugged your arms behind your body and held them tight there, it really fucking hurting. He didn’t care though and continued to walk you, asking you where your car was so he could get you out of here.

Once you reached your car he let you go and you wrapped your arms around you as he walked away again, not verbally saying anything but his eyes saying enough. Stay away. You shakily got your keys out of your bags and unlocked your door, climbing in and just sitting there. You could feel your hands really shaky and achy. Looking down with tear clouded eyes, you saw the red marks over your arms and slight bruising already. Your arms and shoulders hurt from being bent in an uncomfortable position.

You cared less about the pain though and how much of a disappointment of a girlfriend you were going to be to Harry. He was going to think either the worst for you or the worst of you. You reached in your bag on your lap for your phone, throwing your bag on the seat next to you afterwards. You wiped your eyes with the sleeve of your t-shirt and unlocked your phone to text messages, sending Harry a quick text.

To Harry: Are you free to call? x

No response. You sat there for a few minutes in silence, still shook up and teary. That had been a really awful situation to be in and you hated that you were nowhere near Harry to fix it. Your phone vibrated 3 minutes later, finding a text message from Harry. You sighed and felt safe when you saw his icon light up your notifications, knowing he was in contact with you.

From Harry: Of course, you okay? xx

You didn’t open your phone because you didn’t know how to respond. How do you tell him you’re not okay, only 20 minutes before he’s meant to be ready to go on stage? You didn’t want to worry him, but you also didn’t want him thinking you were a terrible girlfriend either.

Another vibration.

From Harry: Lovie? xx

Your eyes watered at that simple word, meaning so much more to you than five letters. It made you feel so much comfort, you only wished you could get that hug and a kiss now.

Again.

From Harry: Love, you’re worrying me now.

From Harry: Let me face-time you, hang on.

His icon lit up the screen; Incoming…

You shakily accepted, wiping your eyes quickly before. When he answered you could tell he was still in his dressing room, sat on the sofa that you wish you were also sat on with him. He looked so beautiful. His hair was perfectly styled and he was wearing a pearl coloured silk shirt and you knew he was wearing white silk pants to co-ordinate. You thought he looked ethereal. A glowing beacon of hope and beauty.

He didn’t say anything to you at first and you nothing to him. He just looked at you and instantly knew something bad was up. He kept eye contact with you and it was as if he was having a telepathic conversation with you, understanding that you needed him and just him.

“Hey, Mitch man?” Harry asked, turning his head to somewhere else in the room. “Could y’just give me a minute. Please.”

“Sure, sure.” Mitch answered and all you could hear was the sound of shuffling and the door shut. As soon as he was gone you started crying all over again. You cupped your hand over your eyes and your body shook as you just cried. Harrys heart broke that you were alone and he couldn’t hug you close to his chest.

“Y/N, baby. Look at me.” He asked urgently and you just shook your head, embarrassed that this was happening to you. “You’ll be alright lovie, I promise. Just look at me, beautiful.” You moved your hand away from your face and wiped your eyes and nose to try and make you look slightly better - not that it helped. “There’s my pretty girl.”

You smiled. He smiled.

“I-i’m so-rry H.” You whispered, sniffling in between words because of how shaky you felt.

“Hey, no. None of that. It’ll be okay.” He reassured you, keeping eye contact with you to try and decipher what was wrong. “Where are you, lovie? You’re in the car, yeah?” Harry asked, recognising your surroundings but you could get anywhere. You could have been in an accident for all he knew, but he was remaining calm so he didn’t send you into a panic.

“Yeah. In the stadium car park.” You saw Harrys eyes momentarily light up at that, before he remembered that you weren’t okay.

“Okay. Tell me why you’re upset, love. Help me understand.” He sounded urgent, just wanting to know so he could help you out. He wanted you to be okay. He wanted you with him.

“The security guards wouldn’t let me in, backstage I mean. I didn’t have my backstage pass. But..” You choked on a sob and Harry told you to just breathe. You were okay. “One of them g-grabbed me and escorted m-me of sight.”

“Baby, are you hurt? Is that why you’re upset?” Harry asked, standing up now in panic. His face looked angry, but you could tell he was trying his best to be a comfort for you. “Y/N?”

“Y-yes. Yes Harry, yes.” You voice wobbled out and you let out an exasperated sob. “I’m s-sor—”

“No don’t you dare. Don’t apologise for this. Not ever. You understand me?” He made very clear he wasn’t messing around.

“Yes.” You nodded.

“Alright. Now, you gotta be strong for me okay?” He asked, before asking, still checking that you were okay. He knew you would be though, because you were his bravest girl ever - stronger than you knew.

“Okay.”

“You’re going to make your way back to the backstage entrance, alright? I am going to be there, before you get there. Those security guards won’t be there I promise. You’ll be okay. Can you do that for me?” He asked, moving around the room and then out of the door. He was walking down the corridors, ignoring the people shouting his name. He was only focused on you.

“Yes. Okay.” You nodded, wiping under your nose again.

“I love you.” He kissed the camera of his phone, looking like he was kissing you instead.

You returned the gesture, kissing him virtually back. “I love you.”

He told you that it’d be alright and then ended the call, explaining how you didn’t need to hear him get angry when he found these security guards. They would be fired even if they weren’t on his tour crew, he’d make sure of it. You made your way back to the backstage entrance again, slowing down before you rounded the corner. Taking a deep breathe you walked around and were met with exactly what Harry promised; him.

You smiled and broke out into a run to get to him, your bag weighing on your shoulder. Once you reached him your bag was thrown on the floor in front of him and you jumped into his arms. He lifted you up to sit you around his waist, keeping his arms tight around your waist and squeezing the biggest hug out of you. Your arms tightened around your boyfriends neck and you buried your face into his neck, and god he smelt like everything homely and sweet. He felt just like home.

“See, you’re alright now lovie.” He assured you, kissing your cheek that wasn’t quite buried into his neck.

“Th-ank you.” You muttered, kissing his neck in appreciation which made him hum in delight. He tasted so hot and lush. He was insatiable. You then felt him start kissing your arms, where the harsh red and purple marks were.

“Sorry y’had to go through this.” He kept kissing your arms, until you moved your head up and looked at him with furrowed eyebrows.

“If I can’t say sorry, then neither can you.” You shook your head, kissing his nose softly. You watched his eyes flutter close and felt so special that only you could do that to him.

“You’re so amazing Y/N. Truly.”

“You’re pretty special too, my love.”

He didn’t need to hear anything else from you, those words were enough, so he pressed his lips to yours softly, filling you with the love you’d been waiting to feel all day. You smiled into the kiss and he just felt so amazing. He was so soft and gentle with you - as smooth as the silk that dressed his body. He was so pretty to watch melt away under your spell and delicious tasting. Strawberries, was that?

He was everywhere. He was everything. He always would be.

[indecisive-behaviors]

Originally I was just going to add this as a reblog to my previous post about the parking lot scene in KK2 but it’s almost 2k words so now it’s getting it’s own post. Be forewarned- this is fucking long.

TW for discussion of PTSD, child abuse, neglect, injury, and death, in relation to topics surrounding the show, under the cut-

Obviously, Cobra Kai is a show based around the premise of “what happened to that Lawrence kid after he got kicked in the face?”, which is honestly a pretty cool idea for a show. Johnny’s story is never explained past sitting on the sidewalk with his head in his hands at the tournament, and there are no real context clue’s to figure out what may or may not have happened.

In the show we get to learn early on that Johnny’s life spiraled after the tournament, going from bad to worse to “holy shit how are you still alive”-dropping out/never going to college, working jobs he seems to hate, becoming an alcoholic, presumably many dead end relationships, and not being there for his kid. And yeah, obviously, this would be a hard pill to swallow for anyone watching the show if Johnny had just lost the tournament. If we never got the scene in KK2, he would have just been some kid who lost a tournament- we see at the end of the first movie that(through tears holy shit Billy) that Johnny is the one who gives the trophy to Daniel with his famous line, “You’re alright, LaRusso.” There’s a level of grudging respect in that moment that isn’t lost on anyone who sees that movie- that Johnny, who throughout the movie only sees Daniel as some whimpy kid, gets proven wrong and respects that. If we didn’t have that scene, there’s reason to believe Johnny would have apologized, tried to make amends, Something, even if it was just being less of a dick at school.

But then, we get the parking lot. We get a far off shot, intended to distance you from the scene, framed over Daniel’s shoulder. This makes sense, Daniel is the main character, the protagonist, the underdog hero- why wouldn’t it be framed in his perspective? But the scene is about Johnny. We get the shouting match, the back and forth- “No, you’re the loser man.”- and again it’s fairly obvious how Johnny sees this situation. This is a man who we assume(and is later confirmed) to be a surrogate father figure, who set his friend up for failure, and then basically forced him to do the same by targeting an injured opponent, and forcing him to fight without honor. This same man presumably follows a teenager out to the parking lot, to harass him, to tell him he’s off the team, to tell him he’s a loser, that he’s nothing.

But at that point, Johnny knows the truth, even if subconsciously. At the end of the day Johnny knows that Daniel LaRusso was a worthy opponent, and that regardless of the cheating and manipulation, Daniel could have won anyway, and did win, despite of it.

And then Kreese grabs him, too fast to react to, Johnny too surprised even knowing that Kreese is the bad guy here, not believing that he would ever willingly hurt him- and Johnny isn’t strong enough to fight him off, none of the boys are, so Johnny is forced to suffocate for almost a full 30 seconds(which I double checked for the record- also as a reference, 30 seconds is about the average time it takes for a person voluntarily holding their breath to pass out- this does not account for the oxygen lost during a struggle, and the lack of preparation from both surprise and panic. The only silver lining here is the fact that Kreese was most likely compressing his windpipe, not his jugular, which would have made him pass out in about 5-10 seconds, and would have caused permanent brain damage or death in about 15).

Now, PTSD is a complex thing. I’m not a psychiatrist, and what small amount of information we have is all we have to work off of, but I feel fairly comfortable in saying Johnny mostly likely developed it after the incident. This not an uncommon take in the fandom as far as I’m aware either. But, if we assume this, we also have to assume that after the fact nothing would have been done about this. Not just in the sense that we still don’t really know everything that happened right after the tournament, but that in the early 80s, PTSD wasn’t really a thing yet.

Sure it was absolutely a condition that existed, but Post Traumatic Stress Disorder wasn’t even added to the DSM-III until 1980- and for a long time afterward, was only seen as a condition that affected primarily war vets. Even after an event as traumatic as having a man you considered a father trying to kill you, in public, without remorse, would not have been seen as something to warrant the diagnoses, let alone treatment.

Johnny Lawrence was 17 when Kreese tried to kill him, and this boy would have been offered no resources beyond filing charges with the police. And as we see in KK3, either this didn’t happen either, or someone(presumably Silver) got the charges dropped. So on top of almost being murdered, Johnny had to live with the fact that the man who did that to him was still out there, and to top it off, still ran a dojo at least for a few months after the event. The only relief he could have gotten is after Kreese faked his death.

And sure, Mr Miyagi may have gotten Kreese to let go eventually, but as several people have pointed out in comments and tags, left him and the other boys alone with Kreese still standing there in the parking lot and just... drove off. Kreese has already been established to be a psycho with no problem hurting children, a little bit of glass might not have prevented him from trying again.

So why did I talk about all of that? Because it all contributes to why Daniel LaRusso works as a credible antagonist in season 1 of Cobra Kai.

Think about this- Johnny blames losing everything on Daniel in season 1, but we specifically get a shot in KK1 and later KK2(”You’re alright, LaRusso” and “I did my best” come to mind) where he seems to be at least mostly accepting of the fact that he lost(with what was actually an illegal kick but that’s a rant for another time). So why does he blame him for everything 30 years later?

Because 30 years later, Johnny is forced to go outside, go to work, and pretend like he doesn’t see what feels like every street corner(including right outside his apartment mind you), a literal billboard sized reminder of what happened to him.

The rest of this is mostly speculation but it makes sense in my head so bear with me.

When we get introduced to Robby, it’s made pretty clear that Johnny has not been in his life for a bit. In season 2 we get Johnny’s heart to heart with Miguel, where he divulges that he missed the birth, because he spiraled after his mom’s death. This however doesn’t suggest that he stayed gone, especially knowing that it wasn’t long enough for Robby to not consider seeking out his dad. Because tacked up to the fridge, is a picture of Robby in his soccer uniform as a kid. It’s an early detail you can see in previous episodes, and says a lot about how Robby grew up. To be fair, this could have been given to him by Shannon, and not taken himself, but it’s the sport Robby’s playing that makes me question this. KK1 dedicates an entire scene to Johnny being on the soccer team in high school. Soccer, while maybe not as important to him as karate, is still part of his character. Robby does not know karate in season 1, Johnny obviously didn’t share it with him, but that doesn’t mean Johnny didn’t share anything with him.

So Johnny’s back in his kids life, maybe doing better for himself, maybe cutting back on the drinking. LaRusso Auto is already established to exist at this point but it’s in Encino, a place Johnny has no reason to go to, and probably doesn’t want to. He’s trying again and things are okay. But Robby knows enough about Daniel to know that going to him will piss off his dad. So Johnny had to have talked about him at some point. The billboards here are what’s important- they’re in the first episode, the first scene montage, Johnny draws a dick on one of them as some petty revenge.

The first billboard goes up in the late 2000s to mid 2010s. Johnny sees it, maybe he has Robby with him at the time, maybe he goes home and says something there, but he says something in a way that sticks with even a child as being important. More billboards go up. Dealerships starting popping up more and more. Daniel’s face, and by extension, the memories, the flashbacks, become inescapable. Johnny, for a third time, spirals again. Before he even knows what’s happening, he’s lost his relationship with his son. And it’s all Daniel’s fault. Of course Daniel doesn’t do it deliberately, but the constant reminders are enough to send him back into a tailspin and Johnny blames him for it.

Because it’s Daniel who is a constant reminder of his failures- it’s Daniel who caused him to lose the tournament and almost get killed, Daniel who put up the billboards that trigger his flashbacks, it’s always Daniel Daniel Daniel.

And then Johnny gets it in his head that he wants to be better. He opens a dojo, teaches Miguel and the other kids, wants to try again- and he almost succeeds.

Johnny up to this point has not deliberately antagonized Daniel in any way. Sure he named the dojo Cobra Kai, but Cobra Kai is all he knows. Besides Johnny doesn’t blame karate for his failures, his best memories are Cobra Kai and he’s trying to be better than Kreese. So what’s the harm in this really? His building is in Reseda, there’s no reason for Daniel to ever be there, he doesn’t do it out of spite, it’s because he lives there and rent is cheap. He doesn’t know about KK3, doesn’t know about Daniel���s own trauma. This isn’t an attack. Johnny sincerely just doesn’t know.

Enter Daniel, stage left. Daniel makes no attempt to talk to him- he simply makes demands and accusations, before he starts making active attempts to put him out of business.

Sure, we as the audience know Daniel has good reasons to not want Cobra Kai back. But Johnny doesn’t. All Johnny knows is that the kid he picked on in high school- who won, who got everything Johnny wanted, who grew up to be successful, has a wonderful wife, two kids who love him, a thriving business- is doing everything he can to make his life hell 30 years after the fact.

And this could only have happened because in 1986 John G. Avildsen decided to add in a scene meant for the original movie into the sequel, for absolutely no fucking reason.

[blackswan18]

Too Good To Be True - Ch. 12 | kth (m)

Summary: Kim Taehyung is a world famous idol in the hit K-pop group, BTS, and you are his personal stylist. Per your contract with BigHit, he is absolutely, 100% off-limits, and yet, you are completely and hopelessly in love with him. You’ve spent years trying to shove your feelings down, but it’s getting harder and harder to ignore and hide them, especially considering the way Tae always treats you. He’s affectionate and protective and sometimes outright flirtatious, but that’s how he is with everyone, right? Confused, frustrated, and lovesick, you find yourself wondering if it might finally be worth risking your career and your heart to find out.

pairing: Taehyung x reader

genre: Idol! au, fluff, angst, eventual smut, friends to lovers, slow burn

rating: 18+

word count: 2.1k

warnings: cursing

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Chapter 12: The Way Things Are - Part 2

It was rather dark in the room with the main source of light coming from overhead spotlights which illuminated six large statues along the perimeter. There was scaffolding along one of the walls, and a heap of equipment in one corner, which explained the construction tape outside. In the middle of the room were several rows of display cases filled with what looked to be very old, very delicate, and very precious artifacts; there were ornately-carved sculptures, jewel-clad vases and gold-plated war relics. However, the doors to all of the cases were surprisingly wide open, the pile of cleaning products at the base of one suggesting that the museum was taking advantage of the exhibit closure to spruce things up.

The fact that all of those artifacts were just sitting there out in the open made you shudder; you were most definitely not supposed to be here with access to them.

“Tae,” you whisper-shouted, a slight hint of panic in your voice. “We really shouldn’t be in here.”

“Wow, these are incredible,” he said, clearly ignoring your warning as he walked over to one of the statues.

Growing increasingly nervous, you went over to where he was standing on the far side of the room.

As you walked over to him, you thought back to the warning Mrs. Choi had given you and the rest of the stylists earlier in the day. She had repeated numerous times that it was an honor for the museum to have allowed the team to film there and reminded everyone to be respectful and considerate at all times. She had looked directly at you when she said that, which at the time pissed you off, but now here you were, clearly taking advantage of the museum’s hospitality and violating its rules.

“Tae,” you said more firmly, tugging on his sleeve as you spoke. “C’mon, we really need to go. It’s definitely against the rules for us to be here.”

“I’m tired of the rules,” he said wearily, though with an unmistakable bite to his tone, as his eyes remained trained on the statue like he was in some sort of trance.

You stared at him blankly, having no idea what that was supposed to mean. When you tugged at his sleeve again, this time much harder, and he didn't budge or even so much as blink, you gave up and let go.

This was definitely not the time or place for him to be having some sort of crisis and staging a rebellion. He might be an untouchable national treasure who wouldn’t get in trouble if someone found him in here, but you certainly weren’t. You needed to get out of this room now.

Having begun frantically pacing back and forth, you were contemplating whether or not you should just walk out and leave him here when he finally broke out of his trance.

“How come you always turn down Hyun?” he suddenly asked, turning to face you with a curious expression.

Your breath caught in your throat as you abruptly stopped pacing. Surely, he had not just asked that question.

“W-What?” you stammered out nervously.

“Hyun,” he repeated calmly. “He’s asked you out several times, but you always say no.”

Immediately, all of the stress you had been feeling about getting caught morphed into stress over how you were going to survive this line of questioning and casually play things off. If you had been anxious before, you were about to have a full-on panic attack now. Even under normal circumstances you would not have been prepared to have this conversation with him, but right now, in your current state, you were so unsettled that it was hard to think straight.

“Like I said,” you replied shakily as you turned away to look at the statue. “I-I don’t have time.”

He didn’t say anything for a few moments and you thought perhaps he was going to leave it at that, but then he spoke again.

“And that’s really the reason?” he challenged. “That you don’t have time to date because of our schedule?”

Your heart stopped.

The obvious reason you didn’t date was because he was the only person you wanted to be with. However, you’d be lying if you said that your crazy schedule didn’t make you feel like it would be near impossible to spend enough time with someone else to truly get over him. You were just with him too much; he was an integral part of your life, one that you didn’t think could be removed even with the help of someone else’s love.

“Yea, it is,” you replied, the admission somewhat truthful.

He seemed genuinely surprised and perhaps even a bit disappointed by your answer so you tried to explain.

“I mean, our schedule is really busy and also pretty erratic,” you went on. “And then we’re sometimes gone for months at a time when we’re on tour or doing a trip like the one we did to America earlier this year.”

“It’s kind of hard to have a relationship with someone you never see,” you concluded quietly.

As you said those words, you were reminded that this was exactly why, even in your fantasies where Tae loved you back, it would still never work. If you left Big Hit you could be with him, but then you would hardly ever get to be with him. If you stayed at Big Hit you couldn’t be with him, but at least you would always get to be with him. It was a lose-lose situation.

However, the decision was one you didn’t have to worry about; it was already made for you. No matter where you worked you were never going to be with him, so the only option was to stay at Big Hit and at least be with him.

He didn’t say anything for a minute or so, he just stood there looking at you, considering your words.

“Yea, I get what you mean,” he finally said rather tiredly as he turned back towards the statue.

“I would hate having to always be away from the person I was supposed to be with,” he then added dejectedly.

You looked over at him to find him wearing an unmistakably guilty expression which made your heart hurt. He told you all the time how bad he felt that you didn’t get to see your family that often and that you sometimes had to miss holidays and important events because of shoots or shows. He was always reminding you to visit people and take trips and do fun things when you had the time. He clearly believed BTS’s schedule to be the reason why you didn’t date and felt at least partially responsible for it.  

“Tae, please don’t get me wrong,” you said earnestly. “The crazy schedule and lack of free time is a sacrifice I’m willing to make. I love my job. I love working at Big Hit with you and the rest of the guys. I’m proud of what we’ve all accomplished as a team these last few years and I know we have even bigger things still ahead of us.”

When you said that, he turned back to face you with a small smile.

“I’ve worked really hard to get where I am right now, especially after how much I struggled in college,” you added quietly. “I wouldn’t want anything to take away from or jeopardize that.”

But, at those words, his smile dropped slightly, no doubt as he thought about everything you’d told him that night in the studio.

“Of course,” he said wistfully. “We wouldn’t want that.”

Silence then fell between the two of you as you both gazed up at the carefully carved stone block before you.

“So you're happy then?” he tentatively asked a few minutes later. “With the way things are?”

You thought about his question for a moment. Were you happy? You didn’t really know how to answer that. You certainly could be happier, but you weren’t necessarily unhappy. You got to spend almost every day with the person you loved most in the world. You weren’t with him, but you got enough of his time and platonic affection that you could survive. At the end of the day, that was still better than any realistic alternative.

“Yea, I am,” you replied contentedly after a moment.

“Well, that’s good then,” he said with a smile, though there was a hint of sadness in his voice. “If you’re happy then I’m happy.”

Feeling that was a good place to end this incredibly stressful conversation, you were about to again suggest that the two of you leave when suddenly you heard the door start to open behind you. Before you even had time to panic, Tae grabbed you and backed you against the wall behind the statue. He had one hand covering your mouth and the other on your hip. Your hands, which had shot up automatically, were resting on his chest.

“Hello?” you heard a man’s gruff voice call out.

Tae quickly took his hand away from your mouth and instead pressed it to his own lips in the shush sign. You wordlessly nodded your head in reply. He then placed his hand against the wall beside your head while the other remained on your hip to keep you from shaking.

“Is someone in there?” the man demanded. As he spoke, he started shining a flashlight into the room. From his authoritative voice, you guessed he must be a security guard, which instantly set you even more edge.

You felt Tae’s grip grow stronger as he stepped forward to avoid being seen, leaning into you in the process. His gaze then found yours as the two of you held your breath and waited.

The beam of light traveled all over the room, stopping several times on the statue behind which you were hiding. You heard the security guard take a tentative step into the room, and for a terrifying moment you thought for sure he had seen you, but then he stopped.

Eventually, after what felt like an eternity, you heard him click off the flashlight, step backwards, and close the door. You both immediately breathed a sigh of relief, but neither of you moved. Instead, you remained frozen in that tight embrace, your eyes locked.

All at once you became aware of just how close he was; his face was mere inches from your own, close enough that you could feel his breath. The feeling of his muscular body pressed up against yours and his big hand gripping your waist was utterly intoxicating. You felt lightheaded and dizzy and weak as the restraint you had spent years carefully building slowly dissolved.

The urge to kiss him was suddenly overwhelming and your fingers reflexively gripped his shirt to pull him in. His hold on you tightened ever so slightly in response, and for the briefest of moments you thought you felt him moving closer, but then he abruptly let go and stepped back.

“W-We should get out of here,” he said in a hoarse voice, turning away from you as he spoke.

“Yea,” you agreed, trying not to sound breathless. “We should.”

~~~

You and Tae snuck out of the exhibit, quickly walked back to the museum entrance, and then parted ways, all without saying a word to each other. When you got back to the prep room, everything was already packed and loaded into the van. The shoot was obviously over and people were heading towards the parking lot. As you grabbed your one remaining bag and started out the door, you tried to wrap your head around what the fuck had just happened.

There were a million thoughts running through your mind, and you felt wholly confused about virtually all of them, but there were two things that you knew for sure: you had clearly tried to kiss him just now and he had pulled away from you in response.

Your ankle now unbelievably sore and tired, it took you forever to limp over to the stairs. On the way there, you were so lost in your thoughts that you didn’t even realize Tae had been waiting for you on the first step. He didn’t say anything when you got there, though; he didn’t even look at you. He just wrapped his long, slender fingers around your free hand like he did earlier. The two of you then made your way up slowly, one step at a time, a strange silence hanging between you.

When you finally reached the top of the stairs he paused for a moment like he was going to say something, but then just gave your hand a little squeeze before letting go and wordlessly walking away.

⇤ previous || next ⇥ || masterlist

[quendis]

(writing this as its own post and tagging @ibrithir-was-here instead of sending an ask because this got way too long)

I’m supposed to be studying for finals right now, which naturally means that the Numenor version of the Ring Babies AU is all I can think about. More specifically, I keep thinking about how the fall of Numenor would’ve happened in this universe. So I accidentally outlined a fic?

Annatar still has no particular love for the Valar in this ‘verse, but neither does he particularly want to get back on their bad side. Still, when weighing the pros and cons of manipulating Ar Pharazon into attacking Valinor… he probably still does it. It’s not like he’d be successful, after all. Pharazon attacks Valinor, the Valar squash him and his fleet like a bug, and suddenly the Numenorian problem is solved. Easy peasy.

...At least until, in the later stages of Annatar’s pitch and Ar Pharazon’s preparations for war, the king of Numenor states his intention to bring Narya with him on the flagship. As an honored guest, of course. (He’s not completely stupid, after all.)

Mairon panics. In all his machinations, somehow he hadn’t planned for this. He dissembles, at first — argues that Narya is neither warrior nor sailor, that he would be of far more use to the king if left on the island to aid in the forging of weapons and the administration of the war effort. Ar Pharazon is unswayed.

So what’s a Maia to do?

He breaks character, for the first time since his capture. This is an alternate version of the scenario in this post, where Mairon goes apeshit is pushed over the line and reveals himself as Sauron, revealing in the process that the idea of storming Valinor was entirely a plot to get Ar Pharazon killed. Even though he expected some amount of treachery, Ar Pharazon is livid. He gives Mairon an ultimatum: either surrender the true secret to eternal life, or watch as Ar Pharazon sends a war party to Valinor anyway — with Narya on board — to die.

Mairon doesn’t have the secret to eternal life. During his time as Morgoth’s lieutenant he learned how to extend life, and how to distort it, but to truly take away the Gift of Men is beyond his power. Still, there’s an idea that sparked in the back of his mind, back when they first began creating the Rings, back before he had wholly thrown his lot in with Tyelpe…

He tells Ar Pharazon of nine rings (non-sentient, unlike the later Three) designed for Men, and distributed as gifts among them. He tells him of how they might be altered, to extend the lives of their bearers near the point of eternity. He vows to collect them, and to make them into fountains of youth for Ar Pharazon and his most loyal followers.

(There are a few things he doesn’t mention. He doesn’t mention that, in order to create this facsimile of eternal life, he would bind the bearers of the rings to his will. He doesn’t mention that, although some of the rings are on the mainland as he mentioned, three are already on this island. And he doesn’t mention that one, a plain, unassuming steel band, rests even now on the finger of Tar Miriel, the rightful successor of that ring’s initial recipient.)

And so Annatar is sent beyond the blockade to find and steal the rings for Pharazon’s use, accompanied by a guard of several of the king’s strongest warriors, and with Narya left behind on Numenor, still, as an “honored guest.” He supposes it would’ve been too much to hope for that Narya would be sent with him, and that they could find some way to escape together. All he can do now is stall for time while he tries to think of a better way to escape — with Narya — upon his return to the island. And how to explain his past to his son, who he was never given a chance to speak with after that final confrontation.

Meanwhile on the Isle of Numenor, Narya is conflicted, to say the least. But he also doesn’t have much time to think about his father’s identity, since between “audiences” with the king and his generals, he and Miriel have found themselves roped into the Faithful’s rebellion. With dwindling power in court and no military force to match Pharazon’s, I think it’s at this point in the AU that they start preparing to “abandon ship”, as it were: gathering provisions and any refugees they can reach, building or stealing boats to ferry them to the mainland, and saving any relics of the kingdom they can get their hands on — including stealing Nimloth’s fruit, which is how Narya first meets Isildur and starts spying for the Faithful.

Annatar, at this point, is playing out the world’s shittiest heist movie — sent from kingdom to kingdom among the mainland’s realms of men, disguised and collecting in secret the rings that he and his husband had given as gifts not so long ago, and all the while watched by Ar Pharazon’s men with the threat of harm to Narya looming over his shoulder should they catch him trying any more tricks. Narya, who he feels he failed. Who he almost got killed, who could be killed in truth if Pharazon discovers this plot-

He tries not to think about it. But he also keeps an eye out for any friendly faces on the road. He’s in survival mode right now, and survival mode for Mairon usually coincides with the hard-learned lesson of relying on himself, and himself alone. But he isn’t just Mairon anymore; he’s Annatar, and Annatar has friends, a family, and a loving husband who he would trust with more than his life. Maybe if he can get a message out to Tyelpe in secret, he might be able to do something.

Tyelpe is not able to do something. Or rather, he doesn’t know what to do. Since Annatar and Narya were captured — nearly half a century ago at this point — he, Vilya, and Nenya have been trying in vain to find a way through the Numenorian blockade to rescue their family. And between comforting his remaining children don’t phrase it like that, he still has three children, Narya has to be alive and he will not consider any alternatives, his own stress at losing his husband and son, and trying to both run and defend the city on his own, Tyelpe is… not doing especially well.

After he hears word of the sinking of Numenor, he’s doing even worse.

See, Ar Pharazon is willing to wait and see how Annatar’s new proposal pans out, but he also doesn’t intend to leave all of his eggs in one basket. He starts trying other methods. Maybe he sends scouts towards Valinor anyway. Maybe he begins making human sacrifices, as in canon. Either way, he manages to piss Eru off magnificently. And as in canon, Eru changes the shape of the world, and Numenor is drowned, Pharazon along with it.

What Tyelpe doesn’t know is that Annatar is already on the mainland. What neither of them know is that Narya, along with his new friends Miriel and Isildur, had boarded one of the last ships to escape the island, and is currently safe on the coast of what will one day be known as Gondor.

Annatar kills his Numenorian watchers. With Narya dead, there’s no point in playing Pharazon’s games any longer. He can’t bear the thought of returning to Ost-in-Edhil and facing his husband and children, after he killed his son failed. He starts to wander, and for the first time in his very long life, wishes he were an elf. At least an elf can fade.

Tyelpe had always heard that elves would feel something, when their marriage bond broke, when their partner died. That the sundering of a love strong enough to bond souls would take part of the survivor with it. He doesn’t know what it means, that he feels nothing. Maybe it’s some quirk of the unique bond between elf and maia. Maybe it’s his punishment, for not loving Annatar enough to drop everything and ride out of Ost-in-Edhil in a glorious charge (and a less glorious boat ride, he supposes) to save him. It’s what Fingon did. It’s what Luthien did. Why couldn’t he?

Tyelpe can’t save his husband, and he can’t save his son. But there are already reports of bodies washing ashore, and if he can’t save them, he can at least grant them rest. He gathers his other children, leaves the city in the care of one of his most trusted advisors (what he should have done, he thinks, half a century ago), and rides out to bury his husband and son.

Since this AU wasn’t dramatic enough already, naturally all three parties (Narya and the Faithful; Celebrimbor, Vilya, and Nenya; and Annatar on his own) meet at the same time. I’m sure there’s a lot of questions, a lot of shouting, a lot of crying. There are probably some difficult conversations, as Annatar and Narya address their fraught parting, and as Annatar comes clean to his children about his past. But that can all wait for another time, and another tale. Right now the Ringmakers and the Rings are together again and holding each other for the first time in fifty-seven years, and for a moment, at least, that’s all that matters.

[rpd-rookie]

Five Stages of Fatherhood - Leon S. Kennedy x Reader

Summary: Fatherhood can be wonderful but for Leon Kennedy, fatherhood is scary and he is not ready for it at all. How is he going to process your unexpected news?

Author’s note: I wanted to release this one-shot for Father's Day but it was far from being finished. But here it is. I was mainly inspired by the recent posts I saw on Tumblr. I hope I did Leon justice and that you'll love this story as much as I loved writing it. Don’t forget to like/reblog and give me your impression.

Tags: Angst; Fatherhood ; Depression; Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism ;Anxiety; Language 

Also Available on AO3

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

           They say those are the five stages of grief. Five stages you must overcome to be at peace with yourself. Five stages you must experience, however hard and painful they are, to find the strength to pull yourself back together and keep on living.       Leon knew those five stages all too well. He had experienced them more times than he could count through all those years fighting since the Raccoon City incident. They had paved his life, making him wonder why and if he would ever see an end to it all one day.   But what he didn’t know is that he was about to experience them again. But in a new unexpected way he would have never imagined.

1.    Denial

           I’m pregnant. Three simple words that made his simple life suddenly not so simple anymore, repeating and echoing in his head, making him feel like his whole world was suddenly crumbling around him, over him, burying him under rubbles of fear and uncertainty.       I’m pregnant. He didn’t just hear that. This was a dream, a hallucination due to sleep deprivation or a silly joke. It had to be. Because it couldn’t be real. This couldn’t happen to him. There was no way he had gotten you pregnant. Yes, you were fooling him. Right? … Right? He had a brief forced laugh, anxiety eating him up slowly. “Please tell me you’re joking.”             Pinned to his desk chair, he stared at you waiting for a silly answer or an amused grin. He obviously got neither of them and so he immediately froze, watching you frowning at him with a look that was way too grave and serious to his taste. “Do you really think I would joke about something like this?” Why not? Anything would be better than those three words being the truth. “How can that be so absurd to you that I might be pregnant?” Pregnant? He felt suddenly dizzy. No fucking way.

Mouth slightly opened, confused and petrified blue eyes fixed upon you, and a marble immobility. That’s all that remained of Leon as he searched for something to say, something to think, something to reassure himself with, something to tell him that this conversation, this moment, was not happening right now. 

Pregnant? Really? “I didn’t get you pregnant.” You stared at him in shock as he relentlessly shook his head. “I couldn’t. It’s not possible. I…” He cut himself off when he saw you looking away, huge tears suddenly flooding your usually joyful (colour) eyes.  

Clearly, that wasn’t the reaction you expected from him. But that’s all his brain could process at the moment, the only thing it could find to keep him afloat, to prevent him from drowning in panic. “There must be some sort of mistake. I can’t be a father. This is not happening.”         Leon was freaking out. He couldn’t deny it. The pounding of his heart in his chest was enough evidence. But years fighting BOWs had taught him not to show any ounce of panic even in the worst situations. So, mechanically, no emotion filtered through in voice, making it almost cold. Actually, it sounded so heartless it rooted you on the spot, unaware of what was going on right now in your boyfriend’s head and unable to understand that his weird reaction was just his reason trying to calm him down and help find a quick way-out before reaching an inevitable end. That inevitable end being Fatherhood.          

“What are you saying?” You dared ask, your face suddenly pale because of the terrible things he implied.   “I don’t want to be a father, Y/N.” He declared looking at you right in the eye. “I don’t want whatever you think is inside your womb right now.” You slumped in your chair, feeling speechless and shocked but most of all, insulted. Did he just call your child a ‘whatever’ and insinuated it wasn’t even there? Was he really denying everything? Saying you were wrong? “Take another test. I’m sure this must be some sort of mistake.”           You stared at him, bewildered and fighting to prevent your tears from falling as shock was slowly yet surely turning into sorrow and anger.    

2.    Anger

“There’s no mistake, Leon. A gynaecologist confirmed it. I’m three months pregnant! Fuck, do you really think I denied this pregnancy on purpose?” There was a sudden knot in your throat, strangling all your words. Leon shrugged. “Honestly, Y/N, I don’t get how someone cannot realize they’re pregnant.”             “Simple. Imagine your boyfriend almost dying in a bombing attack in DC, then pushing you out when you try to help him. Then one day, after an entire month watching him falling deeper and deeper into depression despite all your efforts to bring him comfort, you realise that he left without telling you where he’s going. After asking a few people, you learn that he’s decided to take some ‘vacation’ but you know all too well that this vacation of his is just him drowning himself in alcohol in some lousy hotel.” You spouted angrily, feeling all your hormones boiling inside of you. “And I guess you can also add his four weeks of radio silence and the worry you felt when you learn that he who you loved so freaking much was almost killed again in another bio-terrorist attack, this time in New York. I guess that’s a pretty good way to make you deny a pregnancy!”   “Oh, so this is my fault?!” He asked, almost shouting, thinking your were accusing him when in fact you were just accusing the horrible stress and the worry you had felt for the last ten weeks or so. “I’m the alcoholic bastard who knocked you up and you’re the poor lost innocent girl? That’s what you’re saying?”     “Do you even realise how hurtful you are? Do you really think that is what I want to hear right now?” You tried to block a sob, in vain and Leon sighed in exasperation as he briefly rolled his eyes. He won’t have your crocodile tears right now. “Don’t force me on a guilt trip, Y/N. Please.” He said, frozen stoicism making his features as strong and cold as marble. “Weren’t you on the pill, by the way?” He frowned, and a tear rolled down your cheek. You wiped it quickly. “You forgot it?”      

You tried to answer but you knew that the second you would talk it would unleash Leon’s anger and you were not ready to bear it. “For fuck’s sake, Y/N.” Leon gritted his teeth and glared while you instinctively braced yourselves, hands holding tightly at the armrest of your chair. “You only had one thing to think about! One!” He growled, a scolding finger pointed at your face. “Take a fucking pill!” “I may have forgotten once” You whispered almost inaudibly. “Oh, you forgot?” He scoffed before slamming his hand against the wooden desk as he brutally stood up making you jump in your chair. “And then she blames me for my depression. Fantastic.” You frowned. That’s not what you had meant. “Leon…”     “You’re as responsible as I am, Y/N. You may have not realised you were pregnant because of what I did but you are the one forgot to take a fucking pill. And, how could you forget? How could you screw my life, both our lives, like that?” Leon screamed as he walked in circles in his office, like a lion in a cage, except that he was lost. He was lost in fear, panic and anger. And he had no control over them. Hard to bear for someone usually so grounded. And that what was pissed him off the most in this situation. Not the news of your pregnancy but lack of control.      

“Do you really think I want to be a father at the moment? Or ever? Do you really think our lives or this world are fit to welcome a kid right now?” His voice trembled, powerful emotions finally getting the better of him. A child of his could not be born in such an unsafe dark world. A child could not be part of his messed up cataclysmic life. Family was not made for him. He couldn’t be the devoted agent he was, save the world from awful monsters and have a normal life waiting for him at home. Leon had come to that conclusion years ago. And he even had accepted it long before meeting you.   “No. But it’s there now. So please, let’s figure out what to do.” You begged, understanding his fear and yet still trying to reason with him.     “What do you want to figure out, Y/N? I told you I didn’t want to be a father. And I thought I made that pretty clear when we had the baby conversation at the beginning of our relationship.”       Crystal clear. No living together, no marriage, no children. So were the terms of your relationship. A sacrifice he had asked you to make if you truly wanted to be with him. And you had made it out of love for him. But there was someone else, someone else you loved as deeply as you loved Leon if not more.

“So what do I do?” You asked, lost, using the pronoun ‘I’ because you truly felt on your own right now. “Fuck, I don’t know, Y/N. I don’t fucking know.”

3.    Bargaining

           But you eventually made a choice, one Leon never saw coming. And all he got was a letter; a simple piece of paper to explain the sacrifice you had decided to make. A letter not even truly addressed to him that made him realise that words could indeed hurt more than actions because, had he had the choice, he would have taken a thousand knives in the heart over those hundreds painful tearstained words.

                       “My dear baby,

           As I write this to you, you’re barely the size of a peach, taking a small place in my womb but already a big one in my heart in a way I never thought humanly possible. If someone had told me that one day I would love someone that intensely, that unconditionally to a point I would sacrifice everything for them, even my own life, I would have laughed to their face. But here you are, not even born and yet making me take a decision I never believed I would take. Giving up on the man I love.                    Yes, it’s going to be just the two of us from now on. Mother and child building a life together. Not the perfect family portrait but it will be ours and it will be full of love and tenderness. And I hope you’ll like it despite its flaws.                   I wish I had given you a dad but fate decided otherwise. He decided otherwise. But please, don’t hate him for that. Your dad is an incredible man. A man I love and will always love. A man that will always be a part of me whatever I do. A man that offered me the chance to be a mother. But he is not ready to make a room for you in his heart the way I did.                  I guess he would have under other circumstances but you don’t need to know them just yet. What you need to know is that your dad is a hero and that heroes sacrifice themselves. Always. Remember him that way. As a selfless man who chose the safety of the world – the world you live in - over his own happiness, because he’s done too much good for you or me to hate him.                        But don’t worry, my baby. While Daddy is making the world a safer place, I am here to make it a loving one.

           I love you,

           Your mum.”

That letter stayed on his coffee table for days, lying there for him to read again and again, next to a bottle of fine old whisky Leon would empty one glass after another, one regret after another, begging God –even though he did not believed in him – to bring you back to him.

There’s nothing worse than regrets, nothing worse than sitting alone with yourself and wait for sorrow to finally drown you, nothing worse than being lost in a maze of ‘what if’ and ‘if only’ and knowing that you cannot change anything.

What if he had made an effort? What if he had reacted otherwise and not like an ass? What if he had told you he loved you? What if he had said it would be okay? What if he had simply accepted this baby? How is life would be right now?

And he imagined it. He imagined himself at home with you in his arms, hand over your belly, feeling his child kicking and rolling under his palm. He imagined your smile, your soft giggles. Your happiness. And it crushed him. It crushed him because he wasn’t able to imagine anything else. He could not imagine the dark world he knew all too well. He could not imagine the fear or the pain he always thought he would feel in this situation.

And with regrets came guilt.

If only he had made and effort. If only he had reacted otherwise and not like an ass. If only he had told you he loved you. If only he had said it would be okay. If only he had accepted your baby. His life would be so much better right now.

4.    Depression

But you were gone and with you all his hopes of future happiness. You had taken everything from him, leaving him alone, in the dark and purposeless, wandering in his fancy apartment with a new bottle of liquor each evening.

Leon knew depression. But this depression, the one he was experiencing right now, was the worst he had ever experienced. Because if you were gone, it was not because of a bullet, it was not because of a bomb or a BOW. It was because of him. It was entirely his fault. And he couldn’t even change it.

You would not see him, not even talk to him, despite all the messages left on your voicemail or the letters in which he apologized and begged you to come back, telling you if was ready to change and that he was ready to welcome this baby if it meant you'd be together again. And it destroyed him.

He became a mess and he eventually did what he did best. He left, finding refuge in an isolated part of America, a lost cottage in the mountains to drink his sorrow away in peace, somewhere where no one would judge him or find him.

He was wrong about the last part. As one day, after weeks and weeks of radio silence and isolation, an old friend came to knock at his door to kick his ass back to where he belonged. Guess there was no escaping Claire Redfield.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing? The Leon I know would never sit there powerlessly and accept his fate that easily.” Leon would have sent anyone packing after a sentence like that one. But Claire wasn’t just anyone. He listened to her. “You want Y/N back? Then quit your bullshit, Leon, and go find her.” “She doesn’t want to talk to me, Claire.” She scoffed, taking his glass of whisky away from him and throwing the liquid away. “So what? You’re gonna stay here for the rest of your miserable life, drinking and crying, and concede defeat? That doesn’t sound like you.” He accepted her scolding, admitting she was right but he had lost the strength to fight.       “I know it’s hard, Leon. I do.” Her tone was suddenly so soft and comforting. “I know what it is to lose someone you love as deeply as you love Y/N. But you can still fix it.”   “How? She pushed me out of her life. She even moved out. She doesn’t want me anymore.” Claire sighed. “How naïve you are. She loves you. She wants you back. She really does but she doesn’t want you to accept this baby just because you feel like you don’t have a choice. She wants you to want it, truly want it.”

There was a silence, a moment of introspection in which Leon felt the fear and the anxiety rushing in his veins again, knotting his stomach tightly. “I’m not ready, Claire. I’m scared.” Tears misted up his tired blue eyes. “ I know. And it’s normal. But there’s a girl in a hospital out there who’s about to give birth to your child and she needs you, now more than ever.”

5.    Acceptance

           His head was dizzy, his hands were clammy and his legs were trembling. As Leon was following the nurse in the neonatology wing of the maternity hospital, dressed in a hospital uniform, he wondered if it was the smell of disinfectant or the fright he was feeling growing inside of him that was making him want to puke right now. Perhaps a little bit of both.     “It’s this way.” The nurse opened a door and waved him to join her by a small incubator in the middle of the room, a sweet smile on her face.

But Leon froze, completely petrified. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t think. All he could do was watching at his five pounds of fear sleeping few steps away from him. “Someone’s here to see you, little angel. It’s your daddy.”         Daddy? The word made Leon tremble and small tears appear in his eyes, tears that instantly grew bigger when the small creature finally moved its tiny arms. “Many fathers are afraid when they come here. But I assure you there’s nothing to fear. Your baby is fragile but you won’t hurt her, I promise.” Leon’s blue eyes met briefly the nurse before fixing themselves upon the face of the little thing lying in the incubator. “A daughter?”  He had a daughter? He was the father of a little girl? This tiny angel in a pink beanie right there?   He approached her, instinctively, wanting so badly to see her from up close. She was so beautiful and yet so tiny.

“Would you like to hold her?” Leon nodded, without thinking twice about it and the nurse made him sit down and remove the top of his hospital uniform, informing him that it would be better for his daughter to feel his skin since it was warmer and more reassuring than any fabric.    

That first contact felt weird but Leon was certain of one thing, he had never hold anything so minuscule, light and fragile in his entire life. It scared him for a second, afraid she would break, but the instinct to protect her was stronger than anything else. “I’ll leave you two alone. If you need anything I’m not far.” Leon didn’t notice the nurse leave, mesmerized by that piece of him nestled in his arms right against his naked chest, watching her with wonder and awe, barely believing that he had made this … that you both had made this. “You’re so perfect.” He whispered as he dared caress her soft tender rosy cheek. His skin felt so rough against hers that she grimaced slightly. “So pure.”

Her hands were so little, just like her feet. Leon touched her fingers, still impressed by their size and shivered when they suddenly grabbed his index. “Wow, how strong you are, little princess.” He grinned, looking at her weak grip until he felt a pair of eyes staring at him.

They were dark and blue, soft innocent baby eyes scrutinizing him with astonishment, discovering his face and bonding with him in ways Leon had never thought possible. He could see the world in those blue eyes just as much as his daughter was discovering the world through his.   And he could feel love, strong and unconditional, a love he would never be able to feel for anyone else, he was sure of it. A fatherly love. One that would make him move mountains just for the sake of protecting his child. One that would make him give up his life for hers. How beautiful yet how scary.

And he cried tears of joy and guilt, happy to have her in his life and yet sorry that he hadn’t be there for her sorry. He had missed too much. First echography, first move, first kick, first cry. All that because of fear and stubbornness. And he felt awful because of it.          

A hand pressed gently on his shoulder. Leon turned around to see you standing next to him, a tired smile on your face. “Y/N”  You knelt by his side, softly caressing the head of your daughter who had fallen asleep in the strong arms of her father. “I’m sorry... I am so sorry. I should have been there for you.”             “ You’re here now. And that’s all that matters.”

Yes, he was here and he would remain here, by his daughter’s side and by yours, until his last breath. For first steps, first words, first birthday, first drawing, first day at school, first love, first heartbreak. He would forever be here for her and make the world a safer place for her. He had finally found a reason to keep fighting. And it was five pounds of pure love.    

Little (baby’s name) Claire Kennedy.

Making his life brighter despite five stages of fatherhood he would willingly go through again if it meant he could hold her in his arms forever.  

[obx-adventures]

The Introverted Twin

Summary - Being John B’s bookish twin isn’t easy. Especially with my best friend, Pope, being weird about me getting closer with JJ.

Warning: Medical conditions and procedures described (as accurately as I could)

A/N - Flashbacks are in italics. This chapter may have been my favorite to write.

Catch up here: Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4, Ch 5, Ch 6, Ch 7, Ch 8

——

Chapter 9

I regain consciousness in the ambulance but am very disoriented. The first thing I notice is the neck brace keeping my head still, followed shortly by wet drops hitting my face. I try to determine the source of the wetness and realize that Kie is leaning over me and sobbing.

“Kie…” Her eyes shoot open as a new round of sobs overtake her diminutive frame.

“Y/N? Oh my God! Are you… how are… I’m so glad your awake!”  

“JJ?” My voice is barely a whisper but the concern in my eyes tells Kie exactly what information I’m searching for.

“He’s in the other ambulance. He woke up as they were loading him in and was screaming for you.”

“He… is he…”

“I don’t know if he’s ok. Only that he woke up before we left. I called JB but I think his phone is dead. I was able to get ahold of Sarah and she was going to pick him up.” I’ve exhausted all of my energy and my eyes flutter closed. I hear Kie’s worried gasp and squeeze her hand to let her know I’m still awake.

When we get to the hospital, I struggle to open my eyes but fail. As soon as the doors open, I hear JJ screaming my name. The effect of his voice is like a shot of adrenaline to the heart. I try to sit up to look for him but am pushed back down by the paramedic. Kie jumps out and I hear her telling JJ that I woke up.

As I’m being rolled into the emergency room, Kie screams JJ’s name loudly. From the rush of doctors and nurses that run to him, I know it’s bad.

“Kie! Kiara!” I yell as loud as I can and am frustrated when it comes out as barely more than a whisper. I try to sit up again to see what happened and feel a stabbing pain in my ribs. This doesn’t stop me from continuing to push myself up, but I’m overcome with a sudden difficulty to breath. Before I understand what’s happening, my vision goes black and I slip back into the abyss.

----

There is a soft knock on my door, and I tell the person to come in without looking up from my SAT prep book. Even though I’m not starting my prep class until school starts back up in a couple months, I want to get a head start on the most important test of my life.

“Y/N, can I talk to you for a few minutes?” Hearing Kie’s voice shocks me into looking up. Without thinking, I lunge forward to hug her.

“Kie! I haven’t seen you since September! How are you?”

While all the Pogues have been hesitant about her return from her year at the Kook Academy, I’m just glad to see Kiara Carrera again. Being surrounded by boys all the time for the past 9 months has been exhausting.

“I’m ok. I came to apologize.” Kie’s face is full of pain and I realize just how difficult this past school year has been for her.

“You don’t need to apologize to me.” I pull her back to sit down next to me on the bed.

“Yes, I do. I’m so sorry that I haven’t been around. I’ve missed you. There were so many times during this past year when I wished I could call you.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I knew the guys were pissed at me and I guess I just assumed you would be too.”

“I wasn’t pissed at you. I just missed you.” I wrap my arm around her shoulders and give her a reassuring squeeze. Kie starts to cry as she leans into me.

“The Kooks were awful, and I thought that if I leaned into Kook life, it would get better. I stopped hanging out with you guys and became friends with the Kook Princess. But it all fell apart and I was so lonely. I wanted to talk to my best friend.”

“You could have called John B! He was hurt but he would have understood.” At this, Kie lifts her head off my shoulder and leans away to look at me.

“I meant you.”

“I’m your best friend?”

“Why is that a surprise?”

“I just thought that I was John B’s sister to you, like I am with everybody else.” I shrug and look down at my hands in my lap. JJ and Pope are the only friends I’ve ever had. Most girls either ignore me or treat me like I have the plague, but Kie has always been kind and excited to see me. I thought she was just placating me so I wouldn’t feel weird when she was here with John B.

“I guess I have to apologize again then. We may have met because I became friends with the guys but then we started spending almost every day together and you started to relax around me. I got to see how funny and sweet you are. Even though you seem so shy, you have no problem putting the boys in their place. We both know that your dad and JB have no idea what their doing so you’ve had to run this place. Most teenage girls think about clothes and makeup and boys. But you worry about the electrical bill, cooking dinner, and making doctors appointments for all of you. It’s amazing. You’re amazing, Y/N.”

----

When I open my eyes this time, I hear my brother yelling at someone.

“That is my sister! I need to see her! Move!”

“JB…”

“No, Y/N, don’t try to talk.” The nurse currently taking my vitals tries to soothe me.

“Tell him… ok…” I plead with my eyes and the nurse turns to my brother who is still trying to push past someone to get into the room.

“Mr Routledge, your sister’s eyes are open and she’s asked me to tell you she’s ok. But I need you to wait outside because you’re upsetting her. I promise you can talk to her in a couple minutes.” He falls silent and I can practically hear the wheels turning in his head. I raise my hand a few inches to signal him that I really am awake.

“Ok, Y/N, I’ll be right back.”

A few minutes later, true to her word, the nurse ushers my brother into my room. He grabs my hand like it’s a life line and I open my eyes to try to meet his. I get ready to talk but my brother shushes me.

“No, no. Don’t talk. You have a severely bruised… ummm, the voice box thing and a few of your ribs broke off and put a hole in your lung. The doctor put a tube in to help you breath but they are getting you ready for surgery to fix the ribs so there isn’t more damage.” I whine a little and try to convey the urgent question I can’t ask. “JJ has a few broken ribs and a really bad concussion but he’ll be ok.”

I sigh in relief and immediately wince in pain. John B worries over me as the nurse comes back in to tell him they need to take me for a CT scan before my surgery. I fall back under as they transfer me over to the CT table.

----

“John B, I need you to eat. Please.” My brother doesn’t even acknowledge that I’ve walked into the room. His sandwich is still untouched in front of him, exactly how it was when I checked on him 15 minutes ago. “It’s been a week. I’m worried you’re going to pass out.”

“I’m not hungry.” I sit next to him and turn his face to look at me. “Just leave me alone.”

“No, Bird. I won’t –”

“Don’t call me that!” I jump back at his outburst. The anger falls from his face when he sees the look on mine. “Sorry… I didn’t… Sorry… it’s just… Dad calls me that.”

“So do I, JB. I always have.” My voice is full of all the pain that I’ve been carrying this week.

“It hurts too much…”My twin has been like this since our father disappeared a week ago. He is not only dealing with losing our dad but also his guilt over the terrible fight they had before he left. He won’t eat, barely sleeps, and hasn’t showered since we filed the missing persons report. I finally got him to drink water a couple days ago by threatening to call ‪911‬ if he didn’t. At least now I don’t need to keep checking him for signs of dehydration.

“Ok, JB... I’ll make you a deal. You start eating and I won’t call you that.” He scoffs at me and looks away. “I’m serious. I need you. I can’t lose you and that’s what will happen if you don’t take care of yourself.”

“Don’t be dramatic, Y/N.”

“I’m not being dramatic. Pope looked it up for me. You haven’t eaten anything in a week. That’s dangerous.”

“I’m fine. I’m not even hungry.”

“You’re in the first stages of grief. The stress throws off your appetite. But it doesn’t mean you don’t need to eat. Please, JB… Please…”I feel the panic attack building and start to stand up to go to my room. I’ve spent the past week consoling my twin and trying to hide the impact our dad’s disappearance has had on me. John B catches my hand before I can get too far away.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Y/N. I know this has been hard on you, too.” He pulls me back down to the couch and throws his arms around me. “I’ll try to do better.”

“What if we split the sandwich?”

“Deal,” he says as he kisses me on the cheek. “I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you too, JB.”

----

“When are they taking her into surgery?” I’m not fully awake yet but I can hear how scared JJ sounds.

“A few minutes. None of us are supposed to be in here but John B sweet talked the nurse.” I feel a bit better hearing Kie comforting him but I still fight to open my eyes, desperate to see that he’s ok. My eyes flutter open and JJ moves closer to me.

“Sunshine? Are you awake?” I squeeze the hand that’s holding mine, unsure if it’s his or Kie’s. “I’m right here. I got you.”

“Kie! Is she ok?” The new voice surprises me, giving me the jolt I need to fully open my eyes.

“Pope, she’s… she needs surgery…” Kie’s worry shines through her voice.

“Y/N! I’m right here! I’m so sorry…” He breaks during his apology and I try to comfort him through my eyes.

“See, Sunshine. We’re all here for you.” I look over at him and my eyes fill with tears when I see the bruises forming. “No, don’t cry… I’m ok. Don’t worry about me.”

“JJ, what happened?!” My eyebrows knit in confusion. I try to look back at him but he moves out of my field of vision. My eyes snap back to JJ to watch his reaction.

“Pope! Calm down. This isn’t JJ’s fault and you know it.” Kie’s admonishment is firm but JJ’s expression is full of guilt. “I was next to John B when he was telling you what happened. Don’t pick a fight.”

“No J…” All three of them turn at my voice. “Not… your… fault…”

“Shhh, don’t talk,” Kie tells me. “We all know this isn’t JJ’s fault. I’ll keep reminding him while you’re in surgery.”

“Pope…” My best friend cuts me off by putting a finger over my mouth.

“Kie’s right, Y/N. I know it’s not his fault. I’m just… I’m scared is all. I’ll be better. Just don’t talk. Please.” He wipes tears off my cheeks and smiles weakly at me. “It’s my fault, not his.”

“Pope, dude, this was my dad. Not me, not you.” I try to nod at JJ’s words but discover I’m in a new neck brace that I didn’t pay attention to until now.

“If I wasn’t such an ass when she told me about you guys, she wouldn’t have needed to go find you at your house.”

“Pope, I convinced her to go find JJ. I should have seen his dad’s truck when we got there and stopped her from going inside.” I whine after Kie’s done and have never been more frustrated that I can’t talk.

“Guys, stop. The nurses are coming so we need to clear out. None of you are to blame. And if Y/N could talk more than a couple words right now, she’d tell all of you the same thing. Luke Maybank did this to her and to JJ. And the cops have him so stop blaming yourselves.” My eyes shoot over to JJ to see how he’s handling all of this. We’ve all tried to talk him into reporting the abuse to the police but he’s always been adamant that he won’t. Now that choice has been taken from him.  

“JJ, the cops are ready to talk to you,” my brother continues. “Kie, they may have some follow up questions so they asked that you stay. Y/N, the doctors told them that they couldn’t talk to you yet but I’m sure they’ll be here when you wake up.”

“Ms Routledge, it’s time to go. Mr Maybank, you should be in your room. The rest of you can wait down the hall.” The nurses start unhooking my IV and monitor wires, giving me a moment with each of the Pogues. I brush my fingers over JJ’s cheek, squeeze Kie’s and Pope’s hands, and whisper that I love my brother. One of the nurses inject a sedative into my IV line and then wheel me out of my room.

----

“Hey, Y/N! What are you doing out here?” I actively avoid looking at my best friend as he sits next to me on the end of the pier. I hide my hands under my legs so he can’t see that my fingernails are bit down to nubs, a sure sign of my current mental state.

“Hi Pope. I’m just hiding from John B…”He places his hand on my knee to comfort me and traces light circles on my exposed skin.

“Why?” His voice is so gentle and I’m afraid that if he offers me more comfort, I’ll completely fall apart.

“The police were here a little bit ago… they’ve officially stopped the search for my dad…” Pope knows that no words will be enough right now so he opts to wrap his arms around me and pulls my head to his shoulder. “I don’t know how to tell him, Pope. I just got him to start eating more a couple days ago. What if he… what if I lose him too?”

“You won’t lose him. All of us will be here to help both of you.” I start sobbing into Pope’s chest, finally letting myself feel every ounce of pain that’s been building up over these past 2 weeks. I’ve tried so hard to just focus on being there for John B that I haven’t done anything to take care of myself. I sit in Pope’s arms for a while and let someone take care of me for once.

After my mom left when we were kids, my dad tried his best to take care of us. But it was a mess. I finally took over when we were 11 after my dad sent John B and I with moldy sandwiches. It was right around the same time that Pope and I were partnered up for a project for the first time in gifted science. We were eating lunch together and he shared everything he had with me after I spit out the first bite of my sandwich. I confessed how chaotic my home life has been and Pope decided to help me set up some systems for tracking and paying bills, meal planning, and every other aspect of running a home. With his support, I whipped us all into shape. He was so excited about all the organization and planning that I’m not sure if he fully understands that I wouldn’t have been able to keep my family together without him.

“Do you want me to be there when you tell him? I can call JJ and Kie too so he sees that he still has a family.” I turn to look at my best friend and thank the universe for sending me someone to help bear my burdens.

“Yes, please. Thank you, Pope.” I kiss his cheek and pull him into a fierce hug. I feel like I can finally breath now.

“I’m always here for you, Y/N. Always.”

----

“There you are, Sunshine.” My head jerks up in surprise. I didn’t expect anyone to find me in my closet.

“Why aren’t you at the party, JJ?” Today is mine and JB’s 10th birthday party. Of course, since I don’t have any friends, everyone is here for my brother.

“You ran away before I could give you your gift.” Instead of waiting for me to climb out of the closet, he sits down with me. He hands me a small package, wrapped in purple tissue paper.

“You got me a present?” My shock is evident in my voice. In all the years of birthday parties for the Routledge twins, no one has ever given me a gift.

“Of course! It’s your birthday, too.” JJ gently nudges me to open my gift. When I unwrap it, I discover a handmade bracelet, just like the ones JJ wears, in all my favorite colors. I look up at him and he gently takes it out of my hands to put it on my wrist.

“JJ… this is… thank you!” I can’t put into words how much this means to me so I try to convey it with a hug.

“I know you think that you don’t have any friends… but you have me…” JJ’s voice wobbles a little and I pull away to see how nervous he is. He kisses my forehead, stands up, and offers me his hand. Without hesitating, I take his hand and return to the party with him. In this moment, I realize I would go anywhere with and do anything for JJ Maybank.

----

“Y/N, I need you to open your eyes for me.” I fight against the remaining effects from the sedative to try to comply with the man’s request. When I finally get my eyes open, it takes every ounce of energy in me to keep them that way. “Good job. I’m Dr Row, we met in the emergency room but I’m not sure if you remember that. I did the surgery to repair your ribs and lung. Everything went well but we need to keep you in the surgical ICU at least for tonight.”

I try to nod at him but realize my neck brace is still on. My throat hurts much too badly now to try to speak so I offer a weak thumbs up.

“I know you’re in a lot of pain right now. You kept passing out because your body was overwhelmed with how much it hurts and your brain was trying to protect you. Your throat is very swollen and we’re worried about some of the cartilage there so we’re keeping you in the neck brace for now so you don’t accidently injure it more. I had to put in some hardware to put your ribs back together and you still have the tube in your side so pressure doesn’t build up in your chest cavity. You’ll stay in recovery a little longer and then your brother can see you in your room.”

After another 30 minutes or so, I’m taken to the ICU room. The doctor was right about the severity of my pain and I’m doing everything I can to stay awake so I can see John B. Finally, he’s ushered into the room and grips my hand gently, fear etched into every inch of his face.

“Y/N, I’m here. I’m right here.”

“J…” I eek out and my brother shushes me before I try again.

“JJ is with DCS right now…” A sob escapes my tender throat. “No, no, shhh. Kie, Pope, and their parents are with him. We won’t let him get taken away. Y/N! Y/N!”

I hear my brother yelling my name as the monitors start going wild but I can’t respond or open my eyes again. The darkness engulfs me once again despite my desperate efforts to stay with my brother.

One chapter left...

Taglist: @agirlwholovescoffee @obxlife @meaganjm @kaelyn-lobrutto24 @velyssaraptor @http-cherries @prejudic3 @love-youu-softly @rudyismymanperiod @justcallmesams @celestialmaybank @yasminesameh @chaoticbisous @liloddcora @obx-snippets @xx-randomshit-xx17 @thepanmermaid @rudysdiaries @cinnamonandspice1994 @sexualparkour @lasnaro @bibliophilewednesday @nicolecarsley @x-lulu @shantililacs @andreiaafaria @ficsforlexie @royalpurplehuskies @drewsephsmiles @yeslifeofateen @bluesiderudy @wandressfox @poguestyleskye @haute-shawn @nashielouise @lonely-kermit @negativity4you @wtfkie @httpstarkey @duskangxl @kay667

[shhhlikeme]

Hello! I want to start off by saying you’re really pretty and your writing is amazing 🥺👉👈 Could I request a oneshot where the s/o of either Yamaguchi or Suga (which ever you prefer they are both my babies) get into an argument and the s/o ends up flinching out of habit during it, and maybe some cute fluff at the end?

Sugawara Koshi x Reader Angst Fluff !!!!

———————————

A/N: Hello! EYEEE want to start off by saying im blushing thank you angel💖💖💖 of course you can. Request anytime I’m all ears and keyboard taps!

This is super fluffy so I hope you like it!!!!

Yams is my favourite but I haven’t written a Suga story yet and I have a little crush on him so I’ll pick him, yay! (Also, Suga’s voice actor in the dub sounds so attractive to me ugh)

———————————

“Hey baby!” You walked into your boyfriend’s room that his parents let you into. You flicked the lights on.

can we all collectively agree that Suga’s parents are some Queen Elsa & Jack Frost looking mfs?!

Surprised because you didn’t tell him you were stopping by, Sugawara’s eyes lit up when he saw you

“Y/N, what are you doing here?” He scrambled off his bed to you, giving you a chaste kiss.

You can’t tell anyone this, but Suga’s parents secretly invited you because they have been worried about their son

From their perspective, Suga came home everyday seemingly drained and depressed

He would mutter a hello to his parents, go straight to his room and lock the door

You didn’t know this, because your boyfriend was completely normal with you and with his friends from school

He was his regular cheeky self that you loved

But you couldn’t deny his parents anything and you wanted to see your baby so you agreed to come over one night after school to kind of “catch him in this act” that his parents described

You scanned your handsome boy’s face and it made you frown

He did looked drained. That’s not normal considering school had been out for maybe an hour and you just saw him during last period looking chipper.

He had lines under his eyes and his shoulders were slumped/lower than usual. Not to mention his eyes betrayed him because they looked like someone who was really going through it, even though you could see that his spirits lifted with your entry

You didn’t say anything, opting to poke his stomach instead and smile up at him

for someone’s whose weak spot is his ticklish tummy, the joy from his laugh didn’t reach his eyes whole heartedly like they normally did

You tested one last time.

“I made you tempura, just the way you like it,” You placed the wrapped dinner plate you bagged on his dresser, gauging his reaction.

Koshi appeared like he was a stage actor when he gave you a big smile and said thanks.

Your heart immediately sank then, because you knew his parents had been telling the truth.

There was something wrong with your Koshi. Very wrong.

Ok. Here goes.

You turned around to lock his room door and took his hand

You gestured for him to crawl back into bed which he seemed genuinely happy about.

You straddled his waist, sitting in a position where he couldn’t hide his face from you nor could he escape when this questioning started

“Uh oh. You only sit on me like this when you want “to talk.”

You nodded. He knew.

Your boyfriend liked talking about his feelings but not when they could potentially bring down the mood of others.... and with this specific circumstance where he was able to hide his sadness from you so well, you had no choice but to jump straight into playing hardball.

“Shishi.” You used the embarrassing pet name you made for him and he slightly blushed.

Marry him, aight?

“Yeah? You okay? I’m listening baby tell me.” He looked at you with his shining eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

Suga didn’t miss a beat. He was well rehearsed. “Wait—me? This talk is about me? Nothing. Why do you ask?”

“Well why are you laying in your bed with the lights off at 4pm? You’re usually doing your school work at this time. That’s what you text me.”

Suga sighed. “I was just tired today, that’s all.”

“Shishi.....”

“Y/N, baby. trust me I’m fi-“

“Is it about volleyball?”

Koshi sat up quickly, cradling your back to make sure you were safe. He scooted backwards, making it so his back was leaning on his headboard.

“Can I please put you next to me?” He asked.

You mentally noted that he didn’t answer the question.

And that he wanted to get out of this “truth spell” position

So it was about volleyball. You ignored his question back and pushed forward.

“Did something happen? Is Daichi injured again? Or is Ukai quitting—“

Suga locked his jaw, looking away from you. “No no. It’s not that— I’m fine. I’m good.”

You couldn’t tell who he was trying to convince more: you? Or himself?

You pushed a bit further.

“Tomorrow is your Senior game, right? You, Asahi, Daichi and Kiyoko will be awarded for the years you put in, right?”

Suga, looking pained, gently moved you off his lap to sit next to him. He got out of bed and paced the room. You knew you were about to crack him but you weren’t too concerned because he needed to let whatever this was out. It’s bad enough that your baby was having such internal conflict like this. It was depressing him and he was dealing with it all by himself.

You stared at him and moved to sit up on your knees, prepared to deal the final blow.

“Are you sad about not playing, Shishi?”

The volcano that Sugawara had been trying so hard to keep in finally erupted at your words.

“SAD?! Am I sad?!” He practically roared at you loudly.

You flinched because it was the first time you have ever heard your boyfriend raise his voice in anger, let alone at you. You remember that he told you he’d only shown his team that side of him once during a game and they were shook, rightfully so. He was kind of scary like this.

“YES I’m sad! But mostly, I’M PISSED! EVERYONE expects me to walk on stage tomorrow and accept an award I had no part in contributing to?! I have been on this team for 3 years, 2 of those years as a starting setter and those two years accounted for bullshit seasons for Karasuno. The one year I sat my ass on the bench is the year we WIN! The year the crows got their wings back I AM SITTING OUT! No one wants to admit it but what the fuck does that tell you, me, and everyone, huh?! It tells us that I was the problem. I was the broken part: the gear that caused the machine to malfunction. The gear that Kageyama came in and fixed—2 years my junior. I’m pathetic, you know?! How many captains sitbon the fucking bench while I watch my best friends play the sport we all love equally? Then I have to walk around all day pretending I don’t feel this way because I am too busy stopping Kageyama and Hinata from pummelling eachother, telling Tsukishima to stop being so mean, mitigating Yamaguchi and Ashai’s panic attacks, Forbidding Tanaka and Noya’s anger issues and the reward I get for all it isn’t the luxury of playing like Daichi who does similar work. I get no reward. I pretend to be happy the Sugawara that I used to be. I’m not happy. The only time I take off that mask off is when I get home and by that time I’m so exhausted from keeping up the facade that staying in the dark until I have to go to school again and put the mask back on is the only way I can cope. So YES I’m fucking sad, Y/N. Sad is an understatement.”

you stayed silent as you listened to every emotionally charged word, letting him catch his breath

Your heart had been shattered around the 4 second mark of his speech, hearing the mental turmoil your baby had been going through in his voice

He was going through all of that pain...

And in spite of it he would still call you every night and listen to you talk about how annoyed you are at your little sister for stealing your shirt

He didn’t change for you because he didn’t want to stress you out and that made you feel like a failure as a girlfriend

After a few minutes of Sugawara calming down, you opened your arms for him invitingly

“Come here.”

Suga looked at you, obviously fighting back tears. Not being able to bare going through it alone anymore, he mounted the bed again, hugging you then maneuvering your bodies so that he was spooning you.

“I saw you flinch. I’m so sorry for scaring you.” He whispered as he kissed the back of your hair. “I love you. So so much, Y/N.”

You reached back to run a hand soothingly against the side of his face. You felt wet tears there and you repeated the soothing gesture. “I love you more, Shishi.....” You backed up so you were pressed closer to his warm body, reinforcing the fact that you weren’t going anywhere. “And Shishi when you’re ready... I can’t wait to tell you all the reasons why you’re the team’s and my....MVP, alright?”

Sugawara nodded into your hair before tightening his grasp on you.

———————————

A/N: This is probably the post I’ve written that is the most realistic in terms of cannon character sentiment. As an ex competitive volleyball player I believe this is truly how Suga feels :( at least youre there to cheer him up!!

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Take Me Home Now: Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten: Another Mother's Breakin'

Set after the events of ME3.

A rewrite. Ao3.

FemShepxKaidan

"Jane."

The recruit let the knocking go on for a third round, slowly shaking herself from the rickety cot. While these digs were nothing as fancy as the bunk back at the mall, the privacy was a paradise. Blank, dull, metal-lined walls were a price she was willing to pay over the colorful and plant-lined walls of the barracks. The humming noise of life rebuilding, no she belonged in the silence.

"Jane." This time her name was a statement, backed by a hint of threat.

"Just a moment," she groaned, rubbing the crust from the inner corners of her eyes, pushing sore muscles upright and forcing a shirt over her head but allowing it to fall at its own pace. Her pupils narrowed at the sudden influx of light filling her half of the crate, "morning?"

Helen looked her up and down, that damned frown a returning friend, "you should put a comb through that hair."

"For fuck's sa-"

The woman made a sudden jerk, but it stopped with a simple raising of her arm, brushing aside a fallen lash, "language, dear."

"Sorry," Jane's eyebrows narrowed, had she forgotten she was not a child, "why are you here?"

"Because we are going out."

"Don't I have three more days?" Jane returned.

The older woman in a rare admittance of defeat sighed, offering back a raised eyebrow, "you're well aware that was a ruse."

"I knew it!" she didn't.

"Yes, let's be proud that you are stubborn as they warned," Helen retorted with a hint of a smirk, "but you should be ready. I'm not going to let you slide and get breakfast, either!"

Yes, this encampment was a military installment, but it gave no reason to ready herself with the rest of the soldiers. Since Rahna had given up on her she did little to get out of her bunk. So far, her secret remained, but pushing it by becoming a regular around camp seemed too big of a risk. Evelyn gave her some reason to get out, but the kid quickly found friends. Within days she was no longer needed, though the shit still visited at least once a day that prodded her into some form of semblance. The lack of duties cemented her decision to remain secluded, bidding her time with the running videos in her head.

"So why me?" Jane pressed once they cleared the base by a few thousand meters, pulling the ration bar from her mouth.

The woman's dark eyes turned cross, "and don't you waste those rations."

"You'll never want them again after fresh produce," Jane murmured, swallowing down the bland brick of nutrition in three bites.

"The second reason for coming out here," Helen handed over a pistol, "fresh meat and pest removal."

"You know, someplace on Illium would sell Varren skewers as a delicacy," Jane overlooked the pistol with a grin, "man, could that krogan grill up a mean varren skewer."

"The pistol is back up; you should use biotics. No stunts," she warned without heed of her companion's previous comment.

"I'm a paragon of caution," Jane mumbled in response, deciding then it was best to follow after the woman in silence. Pausing only as her leader stopped.

"No stunts," a finger waggled at her, "that kid and her grandfather want you back, and I intend to see that through, despite your best attempts."

Jane giggled, "the LT would love that one."

"Dismiss it all you like, whinge that someone cares about your sorry hide," the woman spat, "you're being selfish. Everyone is hurting if you haven't noticed."

Jane's face drew blank, "while it's true, doesn't it feel better to be pissed off? To be angry that everything is changed? Fuck everyone else. I'm hurting." She looked over the horizon, directly into the blue beam that connected to the Citadel. It seemed so tiny from here, so insignificant.

Helen's gaze followed Jane's gaze, "trying to remember how much worse it could be rarely helps."

"I like to make myself feel better by telling myself that I'm angering out of grief; it's one of the stages, right? But what is there after it? I don't want to let it go and accept my world is gone," Jane's voice mellowed to a whisper, "acceptance is terrifying. It means you have to move forward."

They shared a silent moment together, connecting with a brief touch—neither alone as they thought.

"Who did you lose?"

"My heart."

"Who did you lose?"

"...my heart."

Horizon- Horizon was an awkward fumbling in the dark. An overhanded display The Illusive Man decided to lord over her. He knew her strings and just how to pluck them to make her dance to his tune. Pulling Kaidan into the entire mess with the Collectors was a threat. But as messy and powerless as the knowledge of what the Illusive Man would take from her was the undercurrent of hope. It was foolish to be caught up in the giddy excitement of returned love, But Kaidan loved her. The first confession and bitter tug on her heart. She should have told him then.

Mars- Mars was just as awkward. Running, sliding, and dodging bullets after months of being cooped up in a small apartment awaiting trial. Sideways glances, and a Major who wouldn't stop dogging her every step. He questioned, prodded, and accused her of terrible things. Granted, she well deserved it. He was so close, so in sync as if the years were mere minutes... yet the distance between them was a canyon wide. But the Major loved her, even if it was once upon a time. A lighthearted exchange broke some of the tension, but she still should have told him then.

The Citadel- "What's up" had to be the lamest greeting after an armed standoff. Not a clasping hug, not a gentle smile, instead she vocalized her worry that he was angry. She hadn't taken the shot at Udina, and she had made Kaidan make that impossible decision. To trust her word, to trust an ex-terrorist. It was too much to ask of anyone- but now she was someone he was in love with. Not a past tense, a was, but a current thing. Still, she fumbled, asking him to let her have it and killing any hope of a romantic reunion. Her stolen glances at his backside caught in the act gave him a sheepish glance away and not the confession he was owed.

The Citadel Pt. II- After a shamelessly little amount of convincing, she had found herself in a dress. It was supposed to be simple- a snack on the Citadel. But she had hoped for more, the flirting, the longing stares, compliments, and a little bit of girlish enthusiasm from Kaidan she dared to think they had a chance. It was the first 'I love you' the extra 'I always have' sending her heart fluttering into erratics that she fought to control, lest she make a scene. The graze of his tender lips against her palm relinquished any grasp she had left on that errant heart, the thundering of the heartbeat clouding her brain. The jealousy the rest of her skin felt for her palm stealing another confession.

2181 Despoina- Kaidan would always rue his attraction to adventurous women. Not the woman, but the spark that drove him there. She was always at risk; her daily amount of adventure qualified as a heroic event for most other citizens of the galaxy. For her, it was a normal Tuesday night. But still, he worried, and still, he continued to love her for the constant stress she brought him. Loved her recklessness because it was as much part of her as her freckles. In the wordless hours of the night, his grip always tighter after a harrowing encounter, she was silent.

The Normandy- Neither of them wanted a quick drink. It was a little silly, after all these years, after all his confessions, to still feel insecure about inviting Kaidan up to her cabin. Instead of being direct, he invented the excuse of a short drink to see her. To comfort each other- when they both knew they needed it. Everything felt so final, the end a ticking bomb, an end to the short time they had together. She found strength in him, a safety in knowing she had someone that would catch her. He loved her openly and proudly. He loved her without needing the words returned.

London- It was unreal, after three years finally approaching the finish line. Loss and love in equal measure. Now, it was time for her to go it alone. It was unnatural, and she fought against the notion. She didn't want to be alone- not at the end. Not after this blissful glimpse into the way love had brightened every facet of her being. Kaidan would gladly face a bitter end with her, going arm in arm to meet Garrus at the bar. But it was a fucked kind of love that pushed her to make him leave. The same love that screamed at him to get the hell off the Normandy, the love that now albeit gently pleaded with him to live. It wasn't a roar or a cry of victory but a rumble- a tender declaration. Kaidan knew, even if it took him repeating his love a thousand times over. Six was a good number, short. The heart knew it was needed.

"So refresh my memory," Jane questioned in a whisper, trying not to draw the entire den of Varren upon them at once, "just how many we are planning on bringing back?"

"Are you that keen on vaporizing them all?"

"I certainly can."

"Wouldn't that defeat one of our goals?"

"Well, I don't think you accounted for the transportation of a Varren," Jane noted, looking behind them at the lack of vessel to transport said game.

Jane was ignored with a huff, the woman peering around a blockade, "I want that one."

Jane took a look, the brown striped specimen had to top the list of heaviest varren she had seen, "seriously?"

"Yes. Jane."

"Aye, Aye, Ma'am."

There wasn't time for a seething look or the smarmy reply that would have followed. The creature floated, air-bound as if the weight of the animal defied gravity. It kicked at the air, unable to stop itself from moving toward the barrier that blocked the scent of view of its hunters. Jane yanked her hand forward, dragging against the invisible weight. It felt good, if not for the shred of panic that she might lose time again. The tell-tale sign of blood was not forthcoming.

The blast of sound ricocheting through the plaza quickly overcame any remaining fear.

"Whatever you do, do not approach these things," the recruit barked, yanking the older woman into the corner spot, "they will overwhelm you if they get close."

"Aye, Aye, Ma'am."

The pack burst from all corners, running full boar in the direction of their fallen packmate. Several running members fell in the chaos, while a line of biotic energy sent the group careening into nearby walls and structures. For what inexperience was worth, Helen held up well, keeping up trained focus on the beasts. The old lady had precision aim, wasting hardly a clip during the charge. Jane didn't have to pick up much slack. Now, if there were a third member, everything would be peachy.

The square was silent for a count of three before a single varren cried out loudly.

The alpha was on scene.

While she had not promised to keep from committing to a hair-brained stunt, biotic shockwaves and lifts were boring. A teenage biotic could perform these moves without a sweat, a N7 needed a challenge. She needed the thrill. Blue waves coalesced and pulsed around her form, the familiar vibration against her skin pleasurable. A fluid vault over the barrier propelling her charge into the lone Varren, sending it toppling from the blow. Jane dove for it, pummeling it with blasts of biotic energy until her knuckles bled.

This was no longer a stunt but a method of release.

"Seems those biotics are back online," Helen murmured, wiping something from her eyes.

Jane cocked her head, "where'd you learn to shoot?"

"That? Oh. I thought they'd go out like a coyote."

The blonde smirked, dismounting the alpha's corpse, wiping her fists against a clean portion of the animal's hide. Nothing from Tuchanka went down quietly.

Helen stood over her prize, after a long minute she looked at Jane expectantly, "aren't you going to grab that?"

"Your trophy, your struggle," Jane folded her arms in return, a sly grin crossing her face, "besides, by the way we snuck out of that base, I don't need any more blame for this... what would you call this, stunt?"

"We did not sneak-" but the woman's face betrayed her guilt.

"Yeah, it's normal procedure to hop a barricade at the precise moment the guard changed," Jane knew a thing or two about sneaking out. She'd even stolen a ship twice.

Helen didn't have to struggle with the corpse long before Jane took pity on the woman; she had an unfair advantage anyway. Genetic enhancements, bone grafting, and a little biotic lifting. Unfortunately, she would still be sore when they got back to base.

"Why the need to sneak out anyway? I'm sure you could have roped anyone into helping you," Jane was under no illusion that the woman had any particular like for her, if anything, the woman looked at her with increasing scrutiny.

"None of them would dare."

"Oh?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Jane understood the sentiment completely.

[erekiosuncreativeideas]

The Part-Time Puppeteer - Chapter 07

<= Chapter 6

Summary : It is time for Lukas to show his acting skills... But of course, nothing can stick to the plan, can it? Also available on AO3 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/23828971/chapters/81199699

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New chapter, woohooo ! This one was fun to write, I hope you'll like it ! Happy reading !

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Chapter 7 - “But what if I fail?”

Eventually, Lukas’ anger slowly disappeared, only to be replaced by a growing stage fright. The more seconds passed, the more his stomach hurt, and he felt like a weight was settling on his shoulders. As time went on, he was starting to regret agreeing to this whole thing- fuck, fuck, he should have said no, he should have insisted, why in the hell did he even agree to this…!

The student jumped as he heard a knock on the door and, for a small moment, he thought it was MJ coming back. However, he quickly pushed that idea away- there was no way that jerk would be polite enough to knock- he hadn’t the first time. But as the young man wondered who could be behind the door, it opened slightly. Through the small opening, Lukas’ eyes fell on Grooves. Instantly, his face paled up- oh gosh, it was time, already?

-“Ah, Mike told me you’d be in here,” the director’s suave voice brought him back to reality, and the student swallowed nervously.

-“Is… Is it time?” he asked, his voice trembling and full of anxiety.

The other didn’t respond right away, and entered the room instead, quietly closing the door behind him.

-“No, you still have a few more minutes,” his boss replied, though that didn’t reassure Lukas, on the contrary. If the director was there, then it meant something, right? He couldn’t think of any possible reason on why DJ Grooves would come into Mike’s workshop- and even then, from the other’s words, it was like he had been looking for him.

This… Didn’t sound so good, suddenly. And apparently, his fear must have been quite visible on his features, as the director seemed to notice it:

-“Okay, listen, darling,” he started, clasping his hands: “The Conductor and I were talking with our investor, the person funding this whole project.”

-“Oh, yeah, Mike told me something like that,” the young man nodded, still feeling anxious: “Is… Is something wrong?”

Perhaps the other was there to tell him they were going to take MJ back? It seemed like this conversation was important enough, and honestly it sounded like DJ Grooves was trying to bring up a sensitive subject. But maybe it was for the best? Lukas was not an actor, and they did promote him out of the blue, without really thinking about it- Although, why would they tell him to learn the lines all for nothing? Before he even got the chance to display his “acting skills”? He had used his own free time to learn them, it was a bit frustrating to have memorized them if he weren’t even going to get his chance.

His internal monologue was interrupted by DJ Grooves’ low voice:

-“Listen, I’ll be honest with you. MJ isn’t a great person to be around, but he is famous. When we announced to our investor we had pushed him out of the project, he… Wasn’t exactly pleased.”

The young man lowered his eyes and nodded- yeah, that made sense. Sure, MJ was a jerk, but he would have attracted more attention on the show.

-“So, you’ll take him back on the team?” guessed Lukas, who wasn’t so surprised, though perhaps disappointed. Of course, it was less stress on his shoulders, but… Yeah, he would be lying if he said it hadn’t brought him some excitement, or some change in his anxious routine. But it was certainly the best choice to make- however, that meant MJ would have the time of his life humiliating him about this, especially after their argument.

-“What? No,” the director frowned, his expression turning confused for a moment: “I mean… That is why I’m here, actually.”

It was Lukas’ time to be perplexed now, and he couldn’t help but tilt his head, not really sure to understand what the other was trying to say.

-“Look, darling, you did a good job yesterday. However, our investor is very insistent on keeping MJ on the team, because all he’s seeing is a celebrity who’s going to attract attention. And don’t get me wrong, it’s true,” he raised his hands, like he was defending himself: “But that means you need to prove your worth to him more than anything.”

Oh no. No, no, no, he could see where this was going.

-“Wait, wait…” he interrupted the other, his face paling up: “Are you implying this is some kind of… Exam?”

The man in front of him readjusted his glasses while raising his eyebrows, an unimpressed expression on his face:

-“Oh, I’m not implying anything, darling,” he answered simply: “I’m stating it, this is exactly what it’s going to be.”

It was like a cold shower for the young man, who was having a very tight knot in his stomach. His breathing increased in pace, and so did his heartbeat. Oh, fuck, fuck, he was going to hyperventilate, shit, this couldn’t be happening- he couldn’t do this! Playing a role was one thing, but having the future of a show depending on his sole performance was too much, way too much- okay, yeah, they’d probably get MJ back if he failed, but that still meant his performance would be examined.

This was too much stress for him to handle, he couldn’t, he just couldn’t-!

-“Woah, there, hey,” the director’s suave voice wasn’t enough to calm him down, but it did distract him slightly from his new panic attack. He felt something brushing his back hesitantly, and it didn’t take him long to understand DJ Grooves was trying to comfort him- but it only made it worse. Lukas didn’t like being touched when his anxiety was at its peak. He stepped away, and the director didn’t insist.

-“I… Suppose I did good to tell you in advance,” the other added, visibly uncomfortable by the current situation.

-“I can’t,” Lukas breathed out, really doing his best to calm himself down, in vain: “I didn’t even apply for this, I can’t, I just…”

His head was starting to spin from the stress, and he quickly sat down, not wanting to collapse on his second day at his job. He leaned against the wall and took deep breaths, bringing his hands up to rub his eyes. God, being so tired really wasn’t helping his mental state… Sounds of muffled fabric next to him caught his attention, and when he looked at his side, he was surprised to see DJ Grooves sitting next to him.

-“It’s okay to be scared, darling,” he spoke again, his voice sounding more reassuring than before: “It’s your first time acting, it’s normal. But you have something, you have potential.”

The student scoffed and rolled his eyes with an ironic smile:

-“Yeah, right. The only reason I’m replacing MJ is to teach him a lesson. I’m not stupid.”

The director shot him yet another unimpressed look:

-“You really think we’d lose production time just to punish a full-grown adult? You think it’s worth wasting a day of work?”

That made Lukas wince, and he looked away, falling silent. Yeah, okay, that was fair, but that didn’t mean it was the right decision to make!

-“I’m not going to lie, you do need some training, but there’s a spark in there,” he pointed to the young man: “You might not be able to play any character, sure, but you have a thing with villains. It’d be stupid to let that go to waste.”

A long sigh left Lukas’ lips, and he buried his face into his hands. His panic attack was slowly dying down, but God, did he feel terrible right now… His stomach still hurt like hell, as if someone were playing with his guts and twisting them around. Fuck, the last time he had felt so stressed was for his finals the year before… And back then, he had an idea of what awaited him! Today, however? He had no fucking idea.

That terrified him.

-“I can’t do this,” he weakly mumbled through his hands: “I’m not an actor, I’m just…”

-“A part-time stagehand?” the other guessed the rest of his sentence: “Yeah, that’s what you’re going to become again if you fail. But, darling, imagine if you do impress our investor! I know you had fun yesterday,” the director nudged him, with a teasing tone.

-“N-no, I didn’t,” denied the young man, though it was a lie. He had had a blast the day before… That is, when he had managed to throw his anxiety through the window, if just for a moment. But this was different, this was… Official! Yesterday, he had thought he was helping that little girl to get that role, now… Now he was doing that for himsel f, and fuck, he was not ready for it.

-“Oooh, don’t you lie to me. Sure, you were all shy at the beginning, but then… It was like you had flipped a switch, and then, there was the spark I was speaking about.”

The student remained silent. Yeah, it was true… Somewhat. Without knowing how, he had been able to put his fear aside.

-“I just…” he spoke again after a moment, shrugging: “I thought that since I didn’t have a choice, well… I told myself ‘ why the fuck not ’, you know?”

Next to him, his interlocutor smiled, as he got to prove his point.

-“So what’s so different here, then?” the latter retorted, his voice amused: “Why don’t you flip that switch again?”

-“But what if I fail?” Lukas brought his head back up and gave his boss a distressed look.

-“Then you’ll go back to being a stagehand, which is what you applied for in the first place. You’re not losing anything, darling, we’re not going to fire you if it doesn’t work out. Acting isn’t always about success, it’s about… Passion! Doing what you love, being yourself!”

He paused for a moment, his smile widening:

-“And for you, darling, it’s about having fun.”

The words had a bigger effect on Lukas than what he had first expected. Oh, he wasn’t convinced, his anxiety was still eating him from the inside, but at least… He was reassured on the fact that his promotion wasn’t just to piss MJ off. Sure, that asshole entirely deserved it, but it was good to hear he wasn’t being used.

He was genuinely wanted on the team. Obviously, he would never be as talented as the other actor, Grooves had even been honest about that, but… At least it was motivating, knowing people thought he had potential. And if it was the case, then… Why wouldn’t he give his best? His boss was right, he had nothing to lose, so… He might as well try and see where it would take him.

Plus, he had learned all those lines, it would be stupid to give up when he tried so hard to memorize them… Especially when it had cost him two hours of sleep.

Eventually, after what felt like centuries, he let out yet another sigh, as a small smile grew on his lips:

-“Alright,” he snorted: “You win.”

It was the director’s turn to sigh in relief at the student’s approval.

-“I knew I could count on you, darling,” his face was showing clear victory, and he moved his left hand to tap the young man’s shoulder: “Let’s show them what a great performance looks like!”

An embarrassed giggle left Lukas’ mouth as he looked away:

-“Ahaha, yeah…”

The two men stood up, careful not to damage any in-progress costumes. DJ Grooves dusted himself before doing the same to Lukas, who was taken aback by the attention. But he supposed that it was part of giving this investor a good first impression… Oh fuck, he was really doing this, wasn’t he?

He shook his head, and took a deep breath. Yes, he was going to do this, he could do this!

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No, he was not going to do this, he couldn’t do this.

Now that the young man was on the scene, puppet in hand and a tensed smile plastered on his face, his motivation had been beaten to a pulp by his raging anxiety. Contrary to when he had acted in front of his bosses, this time the room was full of people.

People who had stopped working on their task just to watch him. Mike was one of them, perhaps one of the few people sending him thumb ups as encouragement. Great friend, really, but too bad this was far from enough to make Lukas more comfortable.

-“So… Your name is… Lukas Pryce, is that it?” asked a voice who sent shivers down the student’s spine. In front of him were both the directors and the investor he had been told about. It was an old man, around the same age as the Conductor. While the latter seemed like a person not to fuck with… That other person looked like a cold blooded murderer- as if a single word would be enough to make him snap. And with the clothes he was wearing- a dark green tartan suit and black loafers… Yeah, Lukas felt he was facing the boss of a criminal organization or something.

This wasn’t reassuring him in the least .

-“Is that it?” the voice called out to him again, and he jumped, his smile faltering for a short moment.

-“Y-yes, that’s me… Sir,” he quickly added, his voice trembling. Behind the man, the young student saw the Conductor facepalming, and DJ Grooves looking away, probably feeling second-hand embarrassment.

Yeah, no, there was no fucking way he was going to do this. How was he supposed to say his lines without stammering or without even messing this whole thing up?! He had not prepared for this- not like it would have helped a lot, but it would have been much better than learning that only fifteen minutes before rehearsing!

The investor shot him an unimpressed and annoyed look, rolling his eyes. He then looked back to a copy of a script he had been given by the two directors, flipping the pages as he was searching for a scene- oh, crap, this was going to be one of the scenes Lukas had the most trouble remembering, wasn’t it? With his luck, he couldn’t see any other scenario, this was going to be the worst day of his life all the way until midnight!

The man opened his mouth after flipping through the script, only to be cut short by a door opening loudly in the back of the room. Most of the crew, including the investor, turned to see who had interrupted the rehearsal. But of fucking course it had to be him .

The biggest douche in the universe had decided to grant them all of his presence- in other words, MJ was here now, bearing the widest grin ever. He was wearing what seemed to be a very expensive fur coat, as well as sunglasses preventing people from seeing his eyes at all. In his right hands, the bastard was holding a peanut bowl, casually eating some with his left hand.

Oh, obviously, that asshole wanted to see him fail. Why else would he be here when he had no other reason to be here, without any role in this show anymore?

-“Don’t mind me,” he sang with that insufferable voice of his, loud enough for everyone to hear him: “I’m just here to watch the show,” he smiled more, and Lukas just knew there were mockery, sure, but also bitterness. Wasn’t surprising, to be fair, given the other’s personality.

The latter found himself a chair and sat down, crossing his legs and, oh, how Lukas wanted to punch that arrogant face. But he wouldn’t. He was a civilized person, after all… And a coward too, but this wasn’t the topic of the day.

A long sigh came from the investor, who turned his head back to the student with a tired look, one that clearly said “I’m tired of everyone’s bullshit right now”. It wasn’t like Lukas could blame him… Though he was too preoccupied by his own situation to care.

-“Alright… So, as I was about to say… What about the scene from the act’s finale?” the older man suggested, even if it didn’t sound like an offer.

Lukas was about to say something, but when he noticed that the investor wasn’t asking him but the directors instead, he decided to shut his mouth. Apparently, he was not being consulted in the choice of the scene… Well, at least, he was lucky enough it was one of those he knew the best. It was one of the most interesting and, perhaps it was the future lawyer talking here, but it was intense . Like all these trials he had studied, with those passionate lawyers defending their clients, guilty or not!

The kind of lawyer he wanted to become.

-“Heh, if you say so,” the Conductor shrugged, before giving Grooves a reluctant look, as if he were acknowledging his colleague’s presence, for once. DJ Grooves was taken aback by the sudden politeness, but quickly glanced at Lukas, silently asking if the scene was one the student knew well enough.

This was… A really kind attention. Quickly, the young man nodded imperceptibly, and his focus went to his script soon afterwards. Searching for the scene he was going to perform, one of his ears was still listening to the discussion in front of him.

-“I think it’s a very good choice,” replied the eccentric director, his tone then shifting to a pensive one: “but we need someone to play Hat Kid… And Hailey isn’t here today.”

DJ Grooves looked around in the room, searching for anyone who could fit the role- until he and Lukas spotted a raised hand among the crowd. Their eyes moved in its direction and- oh for fuck’s sake, why couldn’t he have one (1) good day of work here?

Of fucking course MJ would be the one to raise his hand, his face beaming with that asshole attitude. In the other side of the room, Mike was trying to catch his attention, most likely to tell him to drop it, but the actor royally ignored his twin. Now, Grooves and the Conductor were very aware of MJ’s hatred towards the student- hell, the entire crew had seen that diva throw a tantrum the previous day! So it made sense that the two directors refused his oh so kind offer.

-“I don’t think it’s a good idea, darling ,” DJ Grooves was the first to answer, frowning, and it didn’t take long for the Conductor to add his own spiky comment:

-“Yeah, laddie, why are you still in the studio?” the old man put his hands over his hips, furrowing his brows at MJ, whose face darkened at the refusal. It didn’t last too long, however, as he rapidly put on his nice, innocent mask on.

-“Oh, I just thought that, since I used to have this role before and everything… I’m probably the only one knowing these lines by heart, aren’t I?” The mask fell for a few seconds as he smiled victoriously: “Even Hailey’s lines. I don’t need the script.”

Lukas tightened his fist- God, he wanted to punch that jerk’s face so much! What was he trying to do? Prove how much of a better actor he was? Hell, this most likely was it. What a brat- how could a grown ass adult act like a child so much?!

The Conductor was about to refuse once more, and DJ Grooves certainly would have too… If it weren’t for the investor, who interrupted them both with just a gesture of his hand. For the first time since he had entered the room, the older man’s lips were curling up in an intrigued smile.

Oh, this couldn’t be good.

-“Why not,” he agreed, gesturing at MJ to stand up and come closer: “This could be interesting, don’t you think, gentlemen?” the man continued, turning his head to the two directors, who were visibly wincing. Soon after getting the go-ahead, the actor’s face lightened up with arrogance, giving off a “I told you so!” kind of vibe. He quickly took off his sunglasses and his fur coat, showing the clothes he was wearing underneath: a fancy red shirt with psychedelic patterns, a black denim jacket, dark blue skinny jeans as well as black, shiny shoes.

What a show-off. That guy had changed clothes in the small amount of time they had gotten since their argument. Was he trying to impress the investor? Seriously?

The diva walked quickly to the scene, taking the stairs two by two. From afar, Mike was watching with an aghast expression, glancing nervously at Lukas and his brother, probably fearing for a fight. And that concern was more than justified, given how much the student wanted to strangle the jerk in front of him. However, the latter knew very well the ex-stagehand couldn’t do anything, and smirked widely in consequence.

That bitch-!

-“So, here’s what we’re going to do,” the investor announced, joining his hands together, all while the Conductor and Grooves could do nothing but watch with a grimace: “You will both play your roles, MJ as Hat Kid and… Uh…”

-“L-Lukas, sir,” the student reminded him, with a nervous voice, earning a mocking look from the diva at his shyness. The student glared at him in response, though not for long, as he had to focus on the older man’s words.

-“Yes, Lukas. You will play the Moonjumper’s role. Whoever plays their role the best get to keep the job,” he then turned to the two directors, shooting them a serious glance: “And I will be the judge of that, being the one funding this whole project. Do we have a mutual understanding, here?”

The duo frowned and gritted their teeth- but they couldn’t say anything. Not only the other was right, he had a power of decision on the show given his financing, but it was also a fair deal. Whoever had the best act would get the role- but in hindsight, was it, really?

MJ was a skilled actor, who had started his show-biz career when he was still a kid. He had a dozen of blockbusters in his resume, and even more regular movies and TV shows. With years of acting and practice in that field, living the celebrity life to its fullest… He was more than capable of getting a role in a children’s show!

In comparison… Lukas was a nobody, just like MJ had told him earlier. He had no experience in acting other than what he had done the previous day. Sure, Grooves had been nice enough to say he had “”potential“”, but next to a fully accomplished actor? He was never going to win, that was obvious. And yet…

Yet, Lukas wanted to win. Not only because he wanted to piss the diva off (’cause, frankly, he deserved it), but also because he felt like… If he had to try, and if he had been forced to learn all those lines on his sleep schedule, then, why shouldn’t he give his all? After all, this was probably going to be his last time on stage. Why not enjoy it while he still could? Furthermore, if he had to bear with MJ’s mockeries after losing, it was far better to have given his all rather than just… Giving up without even trying.

His glance went back on the celebrity, giving him a determined and serious look… Before dropping the script to his feet. MJ wanted to fight like this? Then he was going to get it. That asshole wasn’t the only one who had memorized all the lines- at least, this scene.

Lukas was not going to back down.

-“Ready? And… Action!” the investor yelled in the Conductor’s loud hailer, momentarily taking the director’s role.

The student felt his stage fright disappearing. Instead, his mind was soon filled with anger, determination and energy. And so, since he had the first line… He opened his mouth, and began what was perhaps one of the silliest thing he had ever done before.

Acting.

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Heeeeey, looks like we're going to have an acting battle in the next chapter ! ... I sure wonder who's going to win :)c

=> Chapter 08

[bigmafluff]

My Story Chapt.1 & 2

My

Story!

The Ultimate Fan fiction/Love story! Tom Hiddleston,

This is fiction it is not real I'm not this lucky! 

family!Courage ! Faith! And Kids! This book is a new life after parenthood. It is my new journey. And a not so guilty obsession. Thanks for reading!

Summary.

What happens When a Single Mom Who Has devoted her Soul to her Family. receives her Empty nest papers . That the world said she would never have. Hi I'm Shannon ! I'm a writer  well I want to be . Need a Publisher first.  Where are the Best . In the U.K. Didn't count on Love too. Come find out what happened. It's a great adventure.

Chapter 1

A shocking encounter.

{I want to break free. By Queen, Hello By Lionel Richie, and I can't feel my my face. By the weekend}

FREEDOM!

A new Beginning ! Yup something I thought this would never have. You see I'm a Autism Mom and helped my sis raise her 2 kid when she couldn't by herself. I was One of those mom's that where told That .I was gonna be Raising my Son Lucas all my life. Well God and Lucas had other plans. I'm So Dang Proud!!!!!! So Kids grown. Lucas has an Aide, A Job as a Mechanic/Car dealer back Home . I think the mechanic stuff is his hobbies cause My Lucas Love's to tinker. My Nephew is working for NASA/ and Microsoft which I also think

NASA thing is the hobbies . As I said Tinker Just smaller. Now My Niece Katrina . She Is my Butterfly . Totally out side the box, 4 tour's In the Navy. She's A Young Mama and A News Caster In Little Rock, Arkansas, USA. Here's the twist Her and Her kids do Video's on YouTube for fun.

Enough about My Babies. Writing was not the only reason to Go across the Pond to America's Father land. I had recently gone through several Surgeries to fix my body after losing a extreme amount of weight from a Lifetime of Issues with my weight. 2 charities offer to help me finish that Journey but the only Plastic Surgeon willing to touch me Is at Oxford University Hospital. So Here I Go A Strange women in a strange land .

So When I was all of sudden a Empty nest . I was struck with something I haven't thought bout sense childhood . What do I do when I grow up! LOL !! So I hit my bucket List and started @ the 2 Largest and hardest things to accomplish on that list . Fix my body and Write! . So College to get my literary degree. While Extreme Yoga, Running , lil' bit of Martial art's and Lessons In all form's of skating! [Skating Hobby AKA on DA list!] God, family, and Music Made it all worth it and surprisingly easy! Dream's come when your are working hard and not Looking for it. These are one of those.

Now I'm in a UK/London Airport bundled up with 3 List's and a map on my phone .Braving the unknown, Trying to find DA Baggage claim and Customs in the rather Large Heathrow Airport . Dang!!!! it was noisy! Honestly I wasn't even paying no attention to were I was going. I was just Focused on Trying hard to get out of this busy packed Building ,Stress &Anxiety times 10!!!!!

while heading to Customs Dragging 2 rolling cases and Large tote on my shoulder. I'm walking past a group of screaming women and teens along with flashing lights from camera's Butt I was determined to stay focused on Why I'm in a hurry. I hit something head on and drop to the ground my tote spill and it was like hitting a wall and all of a sudden all the noise stopped. I don't care who says other wise, British and Aussie Ascent's are smooth and sexy and butter! The are several men in the U.K. That send my fan girl hormones into Overload. But only 3 are Single Tom Hiddleston, Henry Cavill, and Luke Evan's.

Now Tom Hiddleston is epic. Stage, screen, voice, He is it. He is melt worthy . Hint's the screamers! 6/2 160 Stormy blue eyes , He's strutting the Black dye job for a movie he just finished he is a naturally curly blonde. I'm a sucker For men's curls no Joke. Pure Killer Eye Candy !!!!!

As I try to pick my things up and apologize I see a hand also picking up my things . He touched my hand and I look up and see those wonderful blue's I start to shake to nervous to talk . I shake my head and Just finish picking up my things . I don't have time for this and I don't want to have a fainting spell from nerves it this Airport. So keeping my head down I stand . Say Thank you and Apologize again for slamming into the man and Leave before he says anything.

One hour Later!!!!!

I made it to my hotel via Uber. I changed , called family especially Lucas my Captain America. I ordered pizza {Yes ! there is Pizza in the U.K."} And was going thru everything and found my Chromebook! But my Ticket receipt and my Night Manager Novel is missing . Well that sucks 'I'm hoping I can get home on the stub. I wasn't as mad about the receipt as I was about my Book. I Just bought it. Before I left I had watched the series With my sister. She said that I had to read

the book to get the full experience. I only just got past the 2nd chapter when I landed. Anyways I was laying down and working on the next book in my children's book arsenal. When I must of passed out . Cause I woke to The ringing of my phone.

I go to answer it .Noticing it was already morning. A very groggy Lucas Wishes Mama a good morning and goodnight due to the time difference. After 45minutes for trying to tell my son I am OK and he needed to go to bed. I was finally able to shower and get ready for my day. I decided to stay and write today so my body can adjust before I go rampaging thru London looking for a publisher. I got half way thru Luca 's day in wonderland when I git a knock at My room door.

I open The door and there he is again invading my Life and charging hormones I thought long dead. Thomas William Hiddleston and he was holding my book with the receipt sticking out of it and a white rose . I'm thinking DA rose was a sign of peace. I'm standing there speechless. I think He realized I was a little Star struck so he helped me Back in to my room . Sat me down and brought me the water bottle I had on my Nightstand . I took a sip and Shook My self out of the fog I was in.

I begin to stutter and When he put His Finger over my lips. He then Said " Calm yourself Girl then we have Us a chat Yes? Where is the Tea around here ,or do you drink it" . All I could do is point to the Mini fridge. Curiously He Looks in the fridge . Then I remembered The English drink it hot . Then I said Finally calmed enough to be clear.

" Stop ! Look above it next to the coffee pot. I drink my Tea cold. I'm sorry! I think the stuff you want is in the Lil' treasure box next to The pot Sir. After a Little while Mr. Hiddleston And I Had interesting Chat . Yes we did. Basically This very conceded ,Arrogant , But Knock-out Gorgeous Man. Basically Had to find me Just because I didn't ask his name or for selfie or any thing. Honestly I think he was Just messing with me cause He Saw My Funko babies on the coffee table . Yes! There were a couple of His there.

He asked what I was doing here In his Home Across the pond. I showed him my stories on my Chromebook. Hey I was thinking he might be able to help me. I told him I was looking for a publisher . I also told him I was Do to have surgery I a couple of weeks, while I was here at the University Hospital. Hey When I get nervous thing's just spew I can't help it. So I told Him all of It Right down to my sudden empty nest. All while he read one of my Stories and nodding. He is in the middle of, Luca and The Golden Lion.

Thomas asked me some Questions about the story. I asked him some to. We bantered and I was surprisingly calm and comfy just chatting along. No longer nervous or anxious . We had been talking for hours . Tom was getting ready to leave . He handed me my book then held my hand there then whispered in my ear making me shiver." Still no selfie , no autograph, or Scream, Well Mrs. Jones. I would say You weren't a fan except for your greeting. So what is a Guy to do to get your attention. We will find out won't we, Till I see you again my Lady." I closed the door behind him as he left. Then promptly passed out right therein front of the door. Life just got interesting !

Chapter 2

Career Change Wow!

[Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the waves, Hay YA by OutKast, High hopes By Panic at the disco.]

I woke the next morning to sunshine and birdsong. It must be a sign I am on the right track. So Coffee a Shower and breakfast burrito's at McDonald's, and I'm out in London . I'm Publisher hunting. I had a call from the Hospital about my per-opp appointment for surgery. That is in a few day's. So Little nervous about that . As I walk into my first office building then I Stop in the lobby when my phone rings.

It was a local # so I answered . It was a Guy named Luke Parsons He is a free lance publisher that heard about my stories. I was shocked how did he hear about me. He asked if we could meet at his office at 3pm. I agreed,he gave me the address and hung up. I went in to the build kinda stoked . I figure I try all my options. So through out the day I went to many publishing companies all saying the same which pissed me off to no end. But did I show it NO. Just because I'm American they won't even Look at them. I couldn't even eat . I grabbed a Juice @ a convenience store, then went back to my hotel to change. I needed time to find this place for my 3:00 meeting with Mr. parsons and I want to make a good impression since I was rejected so many other times today.

So I decided to call a Uber because I felt I had been walking all day and needed a small break . When we Pulled up to the Building and guess who was standing there with a smart ass smile on his face! Yup! Tom was opening my door after paying the driver , which I didn't expect. He grabs My hand and kisses my palm. Honestly why is a guy like him even paying me any attention . I'm not the tiny,skinny little thing that he is normally with and I don't act or sing. It's frustrating and exhilarating at the same time. GOD HELP ME!!! I told my self.

I asked Tom what he was doing here and then everything clicked. He told Mr. Parson's about me. When I asked how he knew Mr. Parsons. Tom told me that Luke was a Publicist by trade but had a small publishing company on the side as a hobby. So not letting go of my hand Thomas took me inside to meet Luke. Tom stayed in the waiting room as I went into Luke's office. He didn't have a huge office, but it was still dark and intimidating. The tall blonde man in the gray suit, stood and shook my hand . And I sat in the chair across from his desk. when I was going to speak. But he straight shut mt up with a finger. He started Hounding me about Tom. Ii became Anxious and when that happens I Babble and stutter badly. I spilled everything from my weight to the confrontation @ my hotel. By that point I am crying and Thomas came in and took one look at me and Was about to give Luke the business when Luke stopped him Saying He needed to Gage my character. Do to the fact that Thomas was one of his most prominent Clients. I relaxed cause Tom did. And Luke apologized .

When all was calmed. Tom pulled a chair next to me. He told me to go ahead and give Luke my flash drive with my book copies on it . All while holding my hand and rubbing my back . I have to admit I had a small smile on my face cause I was feeling @ peace with TWH sitting and pampering me. It was nice. Mr. Parsons plugged my flash drive into his desk top. While telling me to call him Luke. He said regardless if he likes mysteries or not He is probably gonna see a lot of me because he was Tom's Publicist. I am not giving any weight to that remark not yet .AHAHAH!!!! As Luke was reading Tommy and I were talking and Honestly I needed to get a lot of my frustration's off my chest .Unfortunately Thomas was my victim , willing I might add considering he was grinning the whole time.

Once I was done giving the 3rd degree to Tommy. He squeezed my hand then answered." Well Shannon. I have been in this business for a while now and out of all my so called fans. I never had one Ignore me! They'll always wanted something from me. A picture, to Kneel,autograph,selfie,hug,any attention I would give they sucked it from me. But when you ran into me at the airport. The funko toy's spilling from your bag told me your were a fan and I saw your face you recognized me, I heard you breath hitch. Yet you said sorry and left. No selfie, No nothing. It intrigued me so much I had Luke here who was with me that day check you out using the stub and book with your name and address in America in it . Which also gave me more proof you were a fan." as he continues to explain I look at him in awe he has no clue how bad I want to fan girl and ask for all those things but my heart may be with him but my mind is on what Luke is doing because Luke has my future in his hands.

Back to Tom's explanation." Shannon I came to your room Just to give a fan a gift. On my way to my Mother's for lunch. I ended up canceling lunch when you froze on me. Then I was so humbled by your nervousness. Dearling ." He says as he caresses my face ,raising Luke's eyebrows he is reading. Tom finally finishes with," As I was leaving your room I knew I had to know you more and since you were Looking for someone to help you get your stories read I talked to Luke about it and he was happy to get a new client especially one not for the public business but for His hobby. Now that I explained everything Love turn and listen to Luke I think he has something to say."

That caught my attention. I shook off the haze from listening to Tom . Turned my head to see a smiling almost ecstatic Luke. Looking at us. Then retold me he loved my stories. He said the fan-fix he even might know someone who might want to turn it into a play with the right circumstances. The other 2 he wanted to know if this is a story arc Like the old Harry Potter Series going on cause he could make it happen if there was gonna be more. He also asked about the Illustration in the stories.

I answered him promptly,about Luca and his daydreams and how they relate to my son who is Autistic and who also did the pictures for my stories Neither of them realized I was a mother . Which took both by surprise. Luke asked if I was married . OMG ! Would I have let Tom flirt with me if I was. Yes ! I would have, But I told Luke the truth I have been separated and divorced. For many years. And my Son is almost 30. that floored Tom ! I guess he thought is was younger Ha! Wait till he finds out I'm 2 years older than him. Dang straight! Cougar Power !

Now I get excited when Luke pulls a rather large group of paper's out of his desk. And writes on them. The put's them in front of me and explains. "Now Shannon can I call you that . Of course I can!" I just nod quietly." Well Shannon this is a contact for exclusivity. So anything you write is published through our Publishing company. So any fan based Fiction, Lucas stories all of it Go through us. Do you understand that Shannon?" I nod in understanding. He continues, "I am going to pay you up front for the 3 stories you have now plus signing bonus. Although only 2 are guaranteed to hit book shelves very Quickly.

Also I am Also going out of my way and despite conflict of interest with Tom I going to take you on to navigate your public appearance as well. You will need that for book signing's and such. I will also make sure Lucas gets paid for all his pictures and any future picture's for your book's. Now one last thing that may help ease your mind a bit Shannon. Tom Has nothing to do with this contract or the merit of your stories. It was just a lucky shot for both of us that He was the one you ran into in the Airport and that he knew what Me and a few friends do in our spare time. Helping Storytellers get their stories read when no one else would is what we at Parsonage publishing are here to do most the commissions I'll receive for your book go to the Literacy foundation here in the U.K. Which is 5% but I also am taking10% for my Public work. But you won't even need to worry Shannon. I'm prepared to make you a very Popular and rich woman."

Honestly I am froze I did not think Lucas's and My stories would be this popular. Especially on there own merit. I'm speechless! Until Thomas starts shaking me to get my attention. I Turn, Tom point's to Luke. I turn and Luke asks? " Shannon Darling did you get all of it or do I need to repeat any of it?" I tell Luke as I take a look at the contraction front of me. Tom still holding my hand and I am thankful for the support. I got it surprisingly knew what the whole Author gig entails so to have Luke help me with both sides of that is a life saver, but I still have one or two questions.

" OK Luke ! I got most of it I am just got a couple questions? 1st Are you sure about the Public side I can find another if it helps your piece of mind. Also Are you sure my little stories are gonna get that popular and Last if so who has a pen. To my shock and tears. He answered all my question reassuring me of his sincerity and excitement .He also gave me a pen to sign my first almost million $Contract. I was so giddy . Luke asked for my main info like email ,cell, direct deposit > I just realized I'm not a disabled parent anymore. I am A writer/Author ,gainfully employed . I am crying Laughing and falling off my chair taking Tom with me.

While Luke gets me copy of my contract I had just signed . Tom Kisses my palm then he was kissing the my forehead. Then He shocks me by looking me straight in the eyes , Blue on Blue then asking out to Dinner tonight. WAS THIS A DATE!!!!!!????????????????

[anyu-blue]

~

I know a big part of it is the sleep deprivation.. again.. but I'm hella depressed.

Like overall I'm.. content? I guess? I have job. = Good. I have place to live. = Good. I have my game(s) I can play anytime I have time/want. = Good. I have appointments to try and get feeling better and keep trying and keep trying when I don't. = Good. I have Kizzy and will probably have him for at least 3 more years, if not longer. = Good. I have contingency plans in place for paying for my surgeries. = Good.

I've got a lot of good right now. And it's not that I'm ungrateful. I am EXTREMELY grateful. Considering my issues I've done extremely well. Even if some of it was on accident.

It's just.. well.. I'm tired, of course. Not sleeping well or much for days on end sucks. Especially because I could have, but people are going to keep living their lives and accidentally waking/keeping me up because they just don't think about my situation 24/7. Or even know it. Or consider it. Because life's too short for that according to, like everyone but me.

I'm sick of course. I've definitely tried the 'I'm doing great/not sick!!' mindset.. and it doesn't work.. cuz stuff HURTS. I don't have the energy to keep pretending either... And I don't think there was really a time I wasn't sick. Not in my whole life.. and It feels impossible to have any hope I'll ever not be physically sick... No matter what or how hard I try. Especially because I'm aging as all people do. Especially being forced to constantly check what I eat because if I don't I can hurt myself/make myself even more sick. Or starve, which hurts me too but is better than the alternatives. Especially being I have to rely on a healthcare system that looks down on what I can afford. Especially because what I can afford is so little. Especially because of our healthcare system being so politically charged people like me with the needs I have (even just replacing bones!!! Hello?! Our STUPID society forgets teeth are BONES and NECESSARY ones at that- but the instant you say teeth people literally don't give two shits, think you're just vain, and 100% brush you off. Even doctors.. and I have cried so hard over this stupid stuff and tried to rally and I'm STILL trying to save my own god damn life. I hate saying that's what I'm doing because I have some of that stupidity in me of thinking vanity... But I'm literally trying to save my forsaken life and be a LOT less miserable, and I feel so hopeless because only the little people who get it actually seem to want to help/be able to push aside that vanity thought and it hurts so badly to ask them to squeeze for me-- thank you if you're reading this and you've reblogged/shared my post. And I cannot thank you enough, and feel I owe you so much if you've donated... Every tiny bit helps. You and I are little people in the sense we don't exactly have $10,000+ to just throw around an have no worries about lol)

I'm.. also lonely? I guess? .. it's probably the best way to describe it. I don't like people all over me. Or really messaging constantly because moods change and People have lives.. but I miss... I want... Stress free interactions. Getting to spend time and go and do things. Not being alone all the time or missing out on everything. Time is meaningless pretty much right now in the sense I've missed all the holidays. 100%. No time spent celebrating or using the time or even seeing people. Im so much a damn adult and yet I still feel like crying whenever my siblings/cousins talk about last halloween because they had so much fun... They spent the day together in matching costumes by themselves at a park. And that's it... I was delirious from sleep deprivation when I saw them for the 5 minutes I did.. and stress because of my ex being the bastard he is to me. And work. So I couldn't join them. And it doesn't bother them in the least. It's such a happy memory for them and I am struggling to let go of the envy. They have so many days they spend together too.. remotely mostly, but they have so much fun. They wake me up alot with their calls.. and get pissed when I'm like hey guys I'm sorry but could you tone it down? I honestly stopped asking lately because they get so pissed and have even been like 'It wasn't me at all!!' even when I can quote what they said back to them and try to find anything and anyone else to blame... My little sister especially is CONSISTENTLY Telling me she has no idea what she even just said so I know it's bullshit it's not her.... And it just hurts. I try so hard. I drug myself to fall asleep almost every single workday now and I hate it. It's not good for you I feel. Says non habit forming but I just. Uck. And I have familiar, soft sound on. And I've shut my cat out. And I've consistently changed my bedding and cleaned and worn masks/covered my eyes, and done everything I can think of to try and make sure I'm going to sleep as long as possible. I don't go to bed and wake up early in the evenings to cook or spend time with them anymore because I'm trying to give myself more sleep. I don't stay up to see my sisters during the day anymore. Because I'm trying to give myself more sleep. I turn everything off (besides what I hope will help with the noise) at noon and try to lay down as soon after noon as I can every day. Anything blue gets covered or turned off. Everything has red light filters too to get rid of the blue.. but I can't seem to get more than a few jagged hours any given day unless it happens to be their early days where they take naps or I end up so exhausted I'm passed out at night when I should be awake so my shifts aren't so hard... So all that adds up to my being alone and lonely as my own damn fault. Because obviously I stopped making the efforts... The thing that hurts most about that is I was the only one making ANY effort at all to include myself in people's lives (still rings true for everyone in my own city at least- family, friends, the works).. and when I HAD to stop and told them why and asked if they'd be willing to meet me sometimes when it was hard for them (even like once a month fully planned out if need be, or spontaneous because I'm NOT picky)... I got yesses. I did. But. Do you think it ever once happened besides the very day we talked about it?

No.

I can and have gone through every single message and note I have (my memory isn't what it was after I got as sick as I did last fall so I try to keep track of everything instead of relying on my memory anymore)... The only person who even slightly tried was only doing so because he wanted every gd opportunity to beg me to sleep with him (pretty much- he wasn't subtle).. and I had to cut him out because he's not a good person in his own right, sadly. Which left me entirely alone in many ways. Which leaves me entirely alone unless I reach out first and sacrifice sleep.

The continuance of this unfortunately has contributed to my depression.. and the fact no one wants to be around cuz I'm a bummer. And the sleep issues have caused irritability I try so hard to control, but at certain stages I just lose my filters and don't want to say stuff or ramble but I also don't want to miss the opportunity with the person (usually one of my sisters) so stuff gets awkward and they don't like being around THAT. And I don't blame them. But I'd do?

Ugh... I know night shift is my fault... And is a major part of the problem... But I work it to avoid People who don't care about me and mine. To keep myself safe. To keep myself from having panic attacks. I'm doing a lot better with them... But I was breaking down so often at or about work it was getting out of hand... With night shift I'm not overwhelmed like that and I don't have to worry do much about my poor mind losing its sharpness as much. I can take my time more or less. And I get paid enough to survive. ....

I'm just depressed and I know it's on me but I wish I had more help than I do..

Wishing is also the problem. Instead of being happy with what I have.

Blargh...

[sick-atsumu-side]

Would you please make atsumu a lactose intolerant ?? Thank u

C. Wrong Milk | Miya Atsumu

Sorry because this took me a while and it ended a bit looong but... hope you like it and thanks for requesting💘 Atsumu is my debility.

Warnings: description of vomit.

“Tsumu, for God’s sake. Can you fucking hurry?! We’re already late for mom’s Meeting.”

“I’m going, I’m going!”

Osamu sighed in a bad way, right before he grabbed his boxed milk to start drinking it. Atsumu, on the other hand was taking a shower because he had woken up late, as their mother left earlier. She had to be there first since it was her job and Osamu understood that.

However, he was annoyed. They really didn’t have time for a decent breakfast now, and It was all Atsumu's fault.

“Damn it, Tsumu! If we don’t get in time because of you I’m going to fucking kill you! You knew this Meeting was important to mom!”

‘‘I’m putting on my clothes! Fuck!”

Osamu threw the now empty boxed milk to the trashcan, as he waited impatiently for Atsumu. Patting repeatedly the floor with his foot.

“Alright, let’s go!”

Atsumu didn’t even dried his hair before grabbing his own boxed milk to drink it in a single sip, as the two of them walked outside their house as fast as they could. They started to run right after Atsumu threw the empty boxed milk in a trashcan.

‘‘Hurry, you stupid!’‘ Osamu yelled with a frown.

‘‘I know! ya’ don’t have to yell at me!”

They had to make it in time.

.

.

.

.

“W-where’s mom? You see her?” Osamu asks, as they finally got there. Trying to catch his breath because of the running.

Atsumu shook his head, trying to catch his breath too as he steady himself next to the wall.

“That bussy woman.” he said. “I almost threw up in the fackin’ way to arrive early and she’s not here.”

“Don’t try to blame on her, we all know it’s your fault.”

Atsumu rolled his eyes.

“Shut the fuck up, Samu.”

There was a lot of people inside the building. There were people in suits and other ones were in casual clothes just like them. There was a lot of food too, cocktail and stuff. Osamu was already drooling at that point.

Atsumu sighed with frustration, still annoyed.

“I still don’t get it.” he complained, as they left the wall. “Why mom wants us here? It’s stupid.”

Osamu walked to a table with Atsumu behind, that way he could pick a bit of food since he was hungry. Atsumu just stared at him.

“M-am got a promotion.” Osamu said after putting a piece of cupcake inside his mouth. “It’s not- stupid.”

Atsumu wrinkled his nose.

“When did that shit happened?” He asked, looking harshly at what he could actually eat from that table.

“Last week.” Osamu said, picking up a sandwich this time. “You should pay more attention to her you know.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Atsumu sighed in frustration. “This fucking place doesn’t have anything that I can eat. What a bullshit.”

“Lame.”

“You fucking ash-”

Atsumu tried to hit Osamu’s butt with his foot, however, someone grabbed him back by his sweater collar from behind to stop him. Samu didn’t hold back a laugh.

“You fucking what? Atsumu.”

Atsumu rolled his eyes when he heard her, as she released her grip with a snort. Samu was still eating, by the way. Clearly entertained with the scene he had in front.

“Stop with those kind of words here, ya’ got it? Atsumu.” The woman was serious, even when she talked quietly. “Ya’ got it?” She insisted, pointing at him and Atsumu nodded, still with that annoyed look on his face. “And you, stop laughing at your brother.”

“Wha-”

Osamu wanted to argue when he saw the tiny smile in Atsumu’s face, however, their mother looked so stressed and angry because of it that he just got silent. The people around them were staring a bit.

“You guys are going to kill me someday. Like really.”

“Oh, Ms. Miya!” the woman turned her seriousness into a smile and stopped arguing when she turned to see one of her employees walking to them with a tray full of cocktails. “ It’s nice to see you, congrats on your promotion! Those are your kids?”

Atsumu wanted nothing more than to go home now. He was so hungry that his stomach started to roll inside of him and it started to make uneasy gurgles. Besides, he still can feel the tiredness because of the almost incident on the way there. He had drank that milk too fast.

Osamu just stared at the guy in front of them, he didn’t care who it was.

“Yeah, they’re my kids. Well, not kids anymore but yeah. It’s nice to see you here too.” She said with a wide smile, while Atsumu rolled his eyes as Osamu sighed.

Great.

“They've grown so much, I almost didn't recognize them.” The guy said with a smile as he brought the tray closer to the boys. “Do you wan’t some?”

“Yes, thank you.”

Osamu grabbed two pieces of mini pizzas, while Atsumu shook his head.

“C’mon boy, just one.” The guy insisted and Atsumu wanted to punch him, he was really pissed off.

“I said n-”

“He can’t eat those, he’s a lactose intolerant.” the woman interrupted him abruptly, and Atsumu bited his tongue just to not say anything. “But thank you.”

The guy looked surprised.

“Really? Oh, that’s bad.” he said, as he was being called by another guy next to another table. “Well, seems like i’m being called. See ya later Ms. Miya!”

“See ya.”

“Why do ya’ keep making me look like a fackin’ poor baby?” Atsumu grumbled when the guy leaved, clearly mad at his mother, who was shorter than him. “This is bullshit. Why the fuck do we even have to be here?”

“Tsumu.”

“What?” Atsumu turned to face Samu.

For her part, the woman just inhaled deeply some air, as she placed two fingers on his temple with a frown.

“Be careful with what you say.” Osamu says, as Atsumu rolled his eyes again.

“You two do whatever you want, go home or whatever. But don’t make a mess here. I don’t care.”

Osamu stopped eating and froze, as he saw their mother leaving. Atsumu still looked annoyed but this time, he looked uncomfortable because of what he had done.

“You’re trash, Tsumu.”

“So your point is?”

Osamu sighed as he took one sandwich off the table. He knew Atsumu wouldn’t go home after what she said to them. However, he felt bad for him not being able to eat anything in there.

It was his fault for being late and for being a dick, but yeah. He knew that being hungry in a place full of food wasn’t a good thing.

“Tsumu, I took the cheese off the sandwich. You can do the same with the others.” Atsumu turned to face him, both arms around his chest. “And stop being a dick.”

Atsumu peered deeply into the sandwich as he took it with his hands.

“This shitty bread doesn’t have lactose?” Atsumu asked, and Osamu shook his head. “Thanks, looks like I owe ya’ one.”

“Your welcome.”

Atsumu started to eat with Osamu, as they talked about volleyball and other things. However, a few minutes later he felt a bit bloated so he stopped eating. Still talking, though.

It was a feeling of fullness, but either way was a feeling of discomfort. His stomach was gurgling uneasily.

Why? It was supposed that the stupid bread didn’t have lactose or normal milk. Besides, he just stopped eating a few minutes ago... it doesn’t make sense. Maybe he was just paranoic.

Atsumu sighed shakily, placing one hand on his stomach to start rubbing the organ with a disgusting look.

“Mom finally is going to talk.” Samu patted on his shoulder, and Atsumu swallowed down some saliva.

The woman went up on the little stage with a smile, and the people clapped his hands as she started to talk about his proyects with a wide smile. Osamu smiled a bit when he saw her.

However, Atsumu couldn’t smile even if he would like to. He was starting to soak and he felt his stomach churning more than before, like if he needed to use the bathroom badly.

Indigestion, maybe?

Maybe the milk he had that morning? No, that was impossible. His mother brought him this Lactose-free milk the other day. Maybe it was the consequence for being a dick with his mom.

Fucking Karma.

Osamu didn’t noticed it, because his attention was full on his mother spech of gratitude. Atsumu felt bad for having to stop his happiness but he was really feeling bad.

He putted his fist on his mouth and muffled a tiny burp, closing his eyes a bit.

“Samu.” he patted on Samu’s shoulder, when he felt a gurgle in the bottom of his stomach. He looked a bit desperated. “Samu!”

The gray haired twin turned, clearly annoyed to see him.

“What?” Atsumu swallowed hard, shivering a little. Osamu raised one brow. “The fuck you wan’t now, Tsumu?”

“I-I don’t feel good.” he said with a shaky mutter . “Don’t know why.” Osamu sighed with frustration, this time trying not to capture everyone’s attention as he got closer to him.

“What you mean? Because of what mom said?” Atsumu shook his head. “The hell is wrong, then?”

Atsumu muffled another burp on his fist, and Osamu looked worried this time, remembering the incident of that morning. Atsumu didn’t look too great from his point of view. Suddendly, every colour of his face was gone. That wasn’t a good sign since they were surrounded in a place full of people.

“Fuck, are you going to be sick?”

“I don’t think so...”

“So in what way you feel bad? You look like shit.”

“I- I think I need to use the bathroom.” Atsumu muttered, this time breathing and moving uneasily as he closed his eyes and bited his lip. Osamu grimaced at him, looking a bit disgusted but still worried.

“Well, go.”

Atsumu was white as hell, and his entire body was shivering as his back was soaked in sweat. A gurgle sounded from the bottom of his stomach and he cursed. Trying not to panic because of it.

He was feeling worse as the time passed by.

“Tsumu, just go.” Osamu insisted, clearly worried and anxious. “You look ready to shit yourself here.”

“Come with me.”

“The fuck, Tsumu? Why do I have to-”

“Please, Samu.”

Osamu looked again at the uneasy and queasy face of his brother and he knew immediately that this was more than just indigestion.

Fuck. He thought, trying not to hit him because of his vulnerable state. He felt bad for letting their mom alone in the middle of her speech, but he couldn’t let Tsumu alone either. It was an emergency.

“‘Kay.” Osamu sighed and pushed Atsumu, who opened his eyes. “Move on, you shitty pig.”

Atsumu would have said something or argue If he hadn’t felt so bad, but this time he was more focused on not shitting himself right there. They were practically running to find a bathroom.

A lot of people stared at them when they were running even before they reached the bathroom next to the stairs of the building. Atsumu didn’t thought it twice before going fast inside an empty cubicle, closing the door abruptly in front of Osamu’s face.

“Damn it.”

Samu sighed again, this time crossing both arms on his chest, as he placed his back on the wall in front of the cubicle. A disgusting sound echoed the entire bathroom with a groan of his brother and Osamu covered his nose with his shirt collar. Just in case.

“That sounds bad.”

Atsumu cursed under his breath, he was so embarassed. He even blushed because of it as the time passed by, because he knew it was a public bathroom, but still he tried not to care about it. He felt so bad that even in the bathroom he couldn’t find any relief in his belly.

Atsumu was having a really bad time there.

“The fuck you ate? Nothing that you ate had lactose.” Osamu asks with a frown, like if he was making fun of him. However, he was trying to make him talk, since he was being too quiet.

There was no answer, just a tiny pained groan.

“Tsumu, you ok in there?”

Atsumu buried his face on his hands, wrinkling his nose as he closed his eyes in pain. He was sitting in the toilet and his stomach wasn’t calming itself. He needed to breath, but he couldn’t.

“Tsumu? You’re fucking worrying me.” Osamu says, knocking on the cubicle door as he got closer. “You okay in there?”

Atsumu suddendly felt something revolving inside of him and he burped wetly on his fist. Everything was so disgusting and his middle was bloated as hell, making pained cramps and gurgles every damn minute. The blonde wanted to cry, as he released another belch, this time wetter than the other one. It came with an acidic taste.

He started to feel nauseous.

“Tsumu, fuck.” Osamu grunts. “Can you at least answer me?”

“I’m not fucking okay Samu, stop it!” Atsumu didn’t meant to yell at his brother, but he was feeling too bad to care.

Osamu sighs, trying to ignore the few people who entered the bathroom and leaved after doing their things.

“What can I do for you?” he asks, softly this time. “You were fine in the morning, what happened?”

Atsumu swallowed down some foul-tasting saliva. Still trying to breath without gagging because of the smell.

“I don’t know.” he answers, his voice harsh and shaky because of the increasing nausea inside of him. “But whatever the fuck I ate, it only wants to come back up from every part of my fackin’ body.”

Osamu grimaced at the deep belch his brother realeased. It sounded from the pit of his stomach.

“You gonna be sick?” Samu got alarmed.

“I think so.”

“Open the door.” Osamu says in a sigh. “Or you still shitting?”

“No, i’m not.”

Atsumu flushed the toilet as he stood up, finishing his thing before unlocking the door to let his brother in. Osamu tried his hardest not to gag.

“Well, bad news.” Osamu says, as Atsumu kneeled in front of the toilet with a suppressed gag. “You're rotting yourself like a zombie.”

“Go ta’ hell, Samu.”

“Are you sure you’re not actually in the decomposition phase of a dead body?”

“It feels like.”

Atsumu shook his head in discomfort and belched wetly inside the toilet, releasing an amount of saliva inside of it. The nausea was almost overwhelming him, everything felt so bad inside of him and his stomach hurted like hell. Osamu leaned down next to him, placing a hand on Atsumu’s back as he rubbed circles on it.

“Easy, you’ll be fine.”

Osamu was still trying to remember what made the blonde sick, since he was pretty fine that morning. It didn’t made sense to him. Unless... no, they have drank Atsumu’s milk and not his.

Or not?

“Go-od.”

Atsumu placed a hand harshly on his stomach under his sweater, trying really hard not to cry in there as another wave of nausea rocked his body. Another wetly gurgle sounded from his stomach.

“Tsumu, I think that-”

Osamu couldn’t end his sentence, because Atsumu belched a mouthful of putrid liquid inside the toilet, splashing it sickly in the not so clean water without even knowing. He coughed harshly at the end, feeling too gross to even breathe.

“That’s was a nasty one.” Osamu says, wrinkling his nose but still rubbing Atsumu’s back as it jerked again under his palm before another round of pale brown liquid splashed harshly inside the toilet.

Atsumu had a lot of tears running down his cheeks at this point, as he felt like if he was exploding himself there. He felt the awful taste of acid with rotted milk and gagged hard, throwing up again non-stop.

“Easy, Tsumu.” Samu said, as he watched in horror the actual firehose next to him. “Try to breathe, shit.”

Atsumu retched harshly again, closing his eyes as he grabbed his stomach with both hands. This time sick poured out from his nose so he coughed again, gagging hard and loudly at the end. He couldn’t stop even if he wanted to.

Osamu gagged unconsciously, still covering his nose as Atsumu retched one more time. Nothing but bile and saliva was coming out from him now, but he seemed to still wanting to throw up.

“Tsumu, you have nothing to throw up.” Samu said, when he saw the in between sob Tsumu left before he gagged again. “Try to calm down.”

He was still rubbing his back, as Atsumu tried to calm down, still grabbing his cramping belly. Osamu flushed the toilet when he saw him move off to grab a piece of toilet paper and after that, he blew his nose.

“How you feel now?”

Atsumu threw the now dirty toilet paper in the trashcan, before spitting saliva inside the toilet.

“Like shit.” Atsumu almost whispered, and Osamu took his hand off his back. “This is Karma, don’tcha’ think?”

Osamu sighs.

“She’s not actually mad, Tsumu.” Atsumu bited his lips, still rubbing the angry organ. “Besides, I don’t think this is Karma. Did you saw what milk you drank this morning?”

Atsumu wrinkled his nose in confusion and as a consequence of a cramp.

“What’cha mean, Samu?”

Osamu scratched his neck, a bit guilty. He even turned his face so he couldn’t see him.

“Samu, what the fuck ya’ mean? Ugh.”

A loud gurgle sounded from his stomach and Osamu winced a bit.

“I... think you drank the wrong milk, I just took the first ones I saw and-”

“I’m going to fucking kill you.”

Osamu tried to apologize, however, it was better for him to run. He knew that better than anyone.

If he wanted to live.

[fizzyxcustard]

Fear and Loathing (4)

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3

Read on AO3

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Fandom: seaQuest 2032

Summary: (Part 2 of The Right Thing - this will be a chaptered fic) Captain Hudson knows that you and Lucas are more than just friends, and after changing your shift rotations to make sure you’re not on duty together, you take things into your own hands and request a transfer from seaQuest. Before your transfer can be processed, officers and crew begin showing signs of extreme anxiety, anger and paranoia. Some are worse affected than others, you being one of them. Can you fight for not only your relationship with Lucas but your state of mind?

Pairings: Ensign Lucas Wolenczak x FemLieutenant!Reader, Commander Jonathan Ford x Lieutenant Lonnie Henderson (only slight)

Warnings: Language, violence, insecurity, angst, paranoia, anxiety, mental instability, very mild sexual references/smut mention, age difference/gap.

Comments: If you wish to be added to my seaQuest tag list, which will be separate from all my other tags, let me know, and I will only tag you in these if you specifically request to be tagged. This is practically a dead fandom now, but I would still like to share my writings with you. If you would like to ask any questions, then by all means just ask! People are probably wondering why I’m still continuing this fic when it gets so little feedback, but it’s purely because I enjoy writing it. It’d a pleasure to be reminiscing in old times.

That night, while you remained in the Med Bay, the mess hall seemed to begin hosting a midnight coffee refreshment for a handful of crew. Lonnie Henderson wandered into the room, drying the sweat from her brow and neck after waking suddenly from a nightmare of being suffocated by unseen hands. She saw Jim Brody sat with his head in his hands, and one of the engineers was resting with their eyes closed and their feet up on a chair.

“Tough night?” Lonnie asked, approaching Brody.

He gasped suddenly, nearly jolting out of his chair. “Yeah….ugh…..sorry,” he grumbled, and rubbed his face, trying to force himself more fully awake.

“What’s going on tonight?” Lonnie asked. “No one can sleep and everyone is on edge.” She then said your name and her eyes widened. “Do you think it’s got anything to do with her and the virus?”

“I doubt it,” Brody scoffed. “A virus that gives panic attacks and nightmares?”

“Come on, Jim. We’ve seen things more unbelievable than that in the last two years. We’ve contacted aliens and come face to face with Greek gods, yet we can’t believe that a virus may exist which causes panic and fear?”

Lucas remained in the Med Bay that night, falling asleep next to your bed. The gentle beeping of the monitors swept him into a dream. There was water, screams and fear. They were your screams; begging him for help. Lucas only remembered the cold water and your screams as he jerked awake.

Your eyes were open and you were smiling at him. “You okay? Have a bad dream?” you asked, yawning. You felt groggy, but strangely content, especially upon seeing Lucas.

He rushed to you, cupped your cheek and then kissed you softly. But gradually the kiss grew deeper, and hotter, until he pulled away. “How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Just tired,” you replied.

“Do you want me to get you anything?”

“Can I have a cold drink, please? Soda, milk, water. Just something cold.”

Lucas left the room and you pulled yourself up slowly. A thumping headache began in your temples and behind your eyes, a sure sign of tension and stress that you knew all too well.

***

The next two days saw more crew visiting not only the mess hall at night but the Med Bay, asking for advice on nightmares and panic attacks. Even Captain Hudson had noticed that he seemed more on edge of late. There were far too many crew affected now for it not to be noticeable and not be a problem that needed addressing.

Jonathan Ford and Tim O’Neill, along with a couple of the engineers, Dagwood, the chief cook and the doctor himself, were the only people who seemed to be unaffected. Every other person was showing symptoms, to varying degrees, of fear, panic and dread.

On the third day of you being in the Med Bay, a mild sedative still in your system to calm the nightmares you were having a night, you were awoken to Lieutenant Fredricks being pulled into the room by Brody and O’Neill.

“Please, don’t. They’ll run experiments on me,” she wept, pulling against the two men either side of her.

The screams had pulled you out of another beckoning nightmare with the visiting shadow demon, who sometimes came to you at night and stood at the foot of your bed. All of the noise and commotion shook you to the core, causing a shockwave of anxiety to race through you like a power surge. But your concern for your comrade still trumped the fear you felt.

“Freddie?” you called to her. She continued weeping uncontrollably as Brody and the doctor held her down on the bed, ready to administer a sedative. “Freddie? You’ll be okay. I promise. They won’t hurt you.” You slipped out of bed, almost falling in your weakness, and you took her hand in yours. “Shhh, it’ll be okay.”

The feel of your hand in hers, and your kind words, soothed Fredricks as the sedative was administered by the doctor.

“How can she feel so much fear when she has an implant?” Brody asked.

“The virus is somehow overpowering every other emotion in those who are the worst affected,” the doctor replied. “I don’t think the sedatives, long term, will be enough. The UEO still has no idea what’s causing this. They’re requesting blood works be sent of each crew member who is affected, which is over eighty per cent. I don’t know if I can get that many reports sent over all at once in the time frame they’re asking for.”

“How long are they asking for, Doc?”

“A week. I’ve only got the capacity to run five blood samples every twelve hours. That’s ten every twenty-four hours, and there are well over a hundred crew affected by this. If this gets worse, we may have to abandon the tour and return to land to fully hospitalise and test everyone. And we don’t know how contagious this is or where it came from.”

By the end of the week, the Med Bay was full. Most of the crew were utterly exhausted through lack of sleep due to night terrors. Frequent fights were breaking out over mundane issues. The latest fight had been when Tony Piccolo had had the last croissant at breakfast, pissing off an engineer. A broken nose and black eye later, Tony found himself in the Med Bay for a couple of hours.

You still kept dreaming of the shadow demon, and often you huddled under the covers, hiding from him, just in case he appeared at the end of your bed again. The fear seemed to come in waves; you would be peaceful for a few hours and then suddenly feel the panic rise and see the shadow at the end of your bed, set with glowing eyes and saliva dripping from sharp fangs. Nights were horrendous as that’s when the most fear came out to play and it hung over you all like a thick mist. Fredricks often woke screaming in the bed next to you. The engineer in the bed opposite you had had regular seizures. Thankfully, you had only had one.

The milder cases meant that crew had to continue working, despite being exhausted. Jonathan Ford felt as though he had had no sleep in a week. Every waking moment and he was on the bridge, taking the helm for part of it while Hudson tried to ward off the anxiety that was beginning to get the better of him. Tim O’Neill hadn’t seen his quarters in days, and was often found most nights dozing off in his seat on the bridge. Dagwood had even offered to help, but his kind offer was politely rejected.

Captain Hudson had been having regular talks with Secretary McGath, and it was now becoming a viable option to abandon the tour and return to shore. However, this virus was still unknown, and the UEO would have to make sure that strict quarantine procedures were put in place once the seaQuest returned to its berth. Crew would not be able to disembark immediately. McGath reassured Hudson that everything that could be done by the UEO was being done. The blood samples were being tested; each crew member, one by one, even those who were not affected and weren’t showing symptoms. Some were being tested multiple times. Even full genome scanning had now begun to try to pinpoint some kind of link to all those affected. The UEO had already received the sub’s black box recordings, knowing exactly where it was at any given time. No other infections had been reported in the waters recently visited.

Lucas lay in his bunk, listening to Tony’s snores from below. The snores had been louder and more obnoxious since his broken nose. Lucas was scared to sleep. Dark circles were beginning to frame his blue eyes, marring his pale complexion. Every evening and he visited you, sitting with you for a couple of hours. He would read to you, trying to soothe your nerves. But Fredricks’ outbursts would put you on edge and Lucas knew that any kind of relaxation was impossible. Whenever he closed his eyes, Lucas would see the water and hear you calling for him. It all felt so real, maybe too real.

The hallways were quiet, but then he would feel the energy buzzing from the mess hall, which was usually full of half dozing crew. Should he go for a wander tonight? Maybe a swim with Darwin would help. Or would the water only exacerbate the dreams?

He didn’t know how long he lay awake, but Lucas looked up at the pipes which ran above his bunk. He looked at the photo of you both which he had taped to the metal. You had your eyes open wide, shocked, whilst Lucas was gritting his teeth, pretending to be angry. He remembered fondly all the staged photographs that Tony took of you both whenever you were on shore leave back when Captain Bridger was aboard. There was such a happiness and peace amongst the crew. He remembered when Jim Brody had attempted to flirt with you once or twice, for him only to be scoffed at. Flirting had never impressed you. Humour and compassion impressed you.

He missed you so much, and slowly he turned over, pulling a pillow to his chest, trying to imagine it was you. To think that Lucas had been prepared to give up his place on seaQuest when he met Sandra just over a year ago. She had deceived him, pretending to interested in a relationship, when she only wanted the emergency codes to gain access to seaQuest. And now he was with you. It was a much, much deeper connection, that ran right through to his bones. It had become a dependency on you, a need, and considering that you were the one who had taken his virginity, that made everything so much stronger. Even though he had always had a crush on you since your first meeting, his very brief relationship with Sandra helped him forget the unrequited feelings he had for you. But then they came back even stronger. You had been the one to pick up the pieces of his broken trust that she had left behind.

Lucas lay awake, his eyes stinging with fatigue. Until finally he jumped down from his bunk and wondered out into the hallway, venturing towards your quarters. He just wanted to be close to you in some way, even if only sleeping on your bed.

The room smelled of you, sweet and flowery. And as he stepped inside, closing the door behind him, Lucas smiled to himself. There was a small stack of books on your desk with a pot of pens, all alongside your computer. A potted, ornamental plant and two matching china owls decorated the desk.

On your bed was your favourite patchwork quilt and on the wall were photos and little drawings that you had doodled. Lucas looked closer at the photos, recognising a few of you both with other members of the crew on shore leave. Then there were pictures of you with people whom he had never seen before, no doubt old friends or family members.

Lucas lay on your bunk and wrapped himself in your quilt, inhaling. He immediately felt warmth radiate through his chest and stomach, easing the tension. Exhaustion made it impossible for him to stay awake any longer, and gradually he fell into a deep sleep.

The dream changed; it was no longer water, but darkness. A light shone in the distance, a faint candlelight and when he got closer to it, he saw that he was standing in an empty garden. A candle, resting in a glass jar was upon the grass. He picked up the candle and began to walk, following a pathway. The whole place was empty, quiet and dark. The feeling of being so alone made Lucas’ heart speed up, pounding like a drum in his chest. Where was everyone?

He began to call, hoping someone would answer. But nothing. No one was there. Everyone had deserted him.

With a gasp, Lucas woke suddenly. He wiped his cheek, only to feel a tear clinging to it.

***

Captain Hudson reluctantly agreed for UEO officers to come aboard seaQuest in two days’ time to begin the gradual emptying of the sub of all crew. The crew would be taken to a contained quarantine facility in Florida whilst tests were still being carried out and their symptoms could be monitored closer.

Secretary McGath’s image dominated Hudson’s screen in his quarters. “Captain, it’s obvious that the crew aren’t recovering from this virus, whatever it is, and bringing the seaQuest into berth could possibly cause a contamination of the coastlines.

“So you’re saying that the boat has to be left out here in the middle of the Atlantic with no crew aboard?” Hudson asked in disbelief.

“Oliver, what else do you propose we do? The biggest cause for concern is the sub’s bio skin which can quite easily carry viruses and disease. Until we know what this virus is and how it’s affecting the crew, we have no other option. seaQuest will have to remain dead in the water until our chief scientists have figured out what needs to be done. All the sub’s recordings and mission data are still being analysed.”

***

seaQuest tag list: @shrimpsthings​

[gb-fics]

Chocolate Mystery

Fanfiction:

Kiryuuin Shou x Kyan Yutaka (Golden Bomber)

Note: A chocolate mystery is like a murder mystery, just that the stakes are way lower. Have a happy Valentine’s Day! (^-^)

Valentine’s Day was a waste of time, that was Shou’s opinion on it at least. Especially since they still had so much to plan and organize until the tour started in March. Mere weeks and they would start their program with two shows per day, not knowing how that would work out at all. They had more important things to do than act lovey-dovey with someone.

Shou felt that way, because he was a responsible adult, to whom the fans were more important than anything else, and not because he didn’t have a significant other to spend the day with.

His bandmates were a different matter of course. Jun was spending Valentine’s Day with his family and Kenji hadn’t passed on a single opportunity to bring up the hot date he had secured for himself. Yutaka hadn’t bragged, but Shou knew, that he always had a date on Valentine’s Day. Most years, he wouldn’t shut up about it.

So, Shou was the only one sitting at home on his own today; not because he was sad and lonely, but because he was the only one dedicated enough to make the sacrifice to ensure their tour would work out as planned. He was angry at the others for leaving all the work up to him - as always. He wasn’t jealous, because Jun had already found the person, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, nor because Kenji would certainly get laid tonight with these obscene good looks of his, nor because of Yutaka.

The doorbell interrupted his negative thoughts.

Shou furrowed his brows. He was not expecting anyone. Absolutely everybody he knew had better things to do today than show up on his doorstep. Didn’t people know it was Valentine’s Day? They were supposed to be smooching or canoodling, or whatever you did on this day when you weren’t Shou.

Suspiciously he went over to the door.

“Yeah?”, he asked over the intercom.

“A delivery for Kiryuuin Shou”, a male voice said.

Shou hesitated. He wasn’t expecting anything. He hadn’t ordered anything online lately and when he did, he usually used his real name, since it was the one showing up on the bills as well. But it wouldn’t be the first time he had ordered something to the office and then forgotten about it. The staff usually forwarded the packages to him using his stage name.

He buzzed up the delivery guy and opened the front door already, so he wouldn’t have to ring again at the apartment door.

The young guy coming up the stairs wore a blue jacket with a logo patched to the shoulder, that looked somewhat official, but clearly didn’t belong to the regular postal service. He carried a small white box in his hand that seemed too delicate and quite frankly too clean to resemble a regular package.

“Mr. Kiryuuin?”, he asked.

“Yes, thank you”, Shou said and bowed his head lightly without taking the box. “What is this?”

The delivery guy looked down at the box in his hands in honest confusion. He looked so young, Shou guessed he was a college student working parttime.

“Well, it’s chocolates”, he pointed out dumbfounded. “It’s Valentine’s Day. I’m working for this start-up. We offer a delivery service especially for today. So, people can send chocolates to their loved ones. I’ve got a delivery for you.”

Shou stared at the box as if it might contain something poisonous. He sensed a cold and hard knot forming in his stomach. It was a very unpleasant feeling.

“Who sent this?”, he asked.

The delivery guy shrugged apologetic.

“Well, you’re the one who has to figure that out, dude. No girlfriend?”

Slowly Shou shook his head.

“I want to know, who sent this”, he inquired. “Can’t you check your records?”

“No, sorry, can’t do. Most girls pay cash and don’t leave a name. It’s not necessary.” He shrugged.

“Do you know what’s inside?���, Shou wanted to know.

Now the guy furrowed his brow. He looked annoyed. He probably had other deliveries to make. Maybe he had a quote to fulfil.

“It’s probably chocolates. What else would it be?”

“What if someone sends a bomb?”, Shou asked.

The poor boy looked seriously troubled now.

“Why would anyone do that? We just deliver chocolates and flowers and stuff. Just take it.”

Briefly Shou considered to just outright decline it. But then, they would probably just throw out the box and he would lose every chance he had to find out who had sent it to him.

“Fine”, he said warily and took the box.

The guy held out a paper for Shou to sign and he did it absentmindedly, before he took the box inside with him. It really looked pretty and had doted ribbons wrapped around it, too. It seemed like something you would send your crush chocolates in on Valentine’s Day. Even if it were chocolates, it was still troublesome.

Shou placed the box on the kitchen counter and stared at it. He tried to breathe calmly. Just in case, he had locked the front door from the inside.

Whoever had sent him this box knew where he lived. A strange person – someone, who could literally be anyone – knew his address. They could be watching the building right now. There was nothing scarier than an anonymous present send to your private address, when you were a celebrity.

No matter how much Shou tried to fight it, he felt the panic rising in his chest, the anxiety drilling his stomach. He remembered all the trouble it had caused, when his address had gotten leaked the first time: The rushed moving, having to find a new place within a short period of time, organizing the transport of the furniture, while not being able to stay at his own apartment. He had crushed on Yutaka’s couch for more than a week and even after he had finally moved, Yutaka had needed to stay over the first night with him, because he had felt too tense to fall asleep alone at the new place.

More than the stress of moving, it was the feeling of being unsafe at a place that was meant to be his home – his safe space – that Shou dreaded. He didn’t want to go through it again. Constantly scared that someone was staring up to his window, while he packed up his things, scared to leave in the evening, because someone might be waiting on the street for him. Honestly, it had taken Shou months to settle into his new apartment. He still made jokes about being pissed, because someone had forced the trouble of moving upon him, but truth was, that even now, years after, he still felt his chest tightening occasionally whenever he came home late in the evening, not being able to shake the feeling of someone watching him as he unlocked the front door.

He turned around and drew the curtains, although his apartment was up too high for anyone to look in through the window anyway. Instead, he switched on the light overhead and felt a little bit calmer instantly.

He was still anxious, but at least the panic didn’t make him want to throw up anymore.

He considered taking the box over to the next police station. Maybe there were fingerprints on it. Maybe they could send someone back home along with him to watch the door to make sure no creepy stalker was sneaking around his neighbourhood while he slept.

But then the police might just laugh in his face, because a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day wasn’t exactly much to go by. And he didn’t want to risk any publicity, before he had talked to the management. But could he really call them right now? It was Sunday and everyone was out of office, on Valentine’s Day for sure. Not that he wouldn’t be able to reach anyone, but he would feel bad for bothering them today. It would be better to inform everyone on Monday. No one had dropped dead animals on his doorstep after all. He probably wasn’t in any acute danger.

He really needed to talk to someone, though. Even if it was just to calm himself. Someone, who would understand and who was also affected, because a threat to Shou posed a threat to the entire band of course.

Shou took up his mobile and was about to dial Yutaka’s number, when he stopped short.

Would Yutaka really be okay with it, if he just called him now? He would probably scold Shou for bothering him. On Valentine’s Day moreover, when he had a date for sure. A small, mean part of Shou wanted to call him even more so. It would be the perfect excuse to ruin Yutaka’s date and take his revenge on him for being out having fun, when Shou was sitting home alone, working on the tour for all of them. But then he knew that he would never bring himself to be that much of a jerk. No matter how bitter he was, he didn’t want Yutaka to suffer because of his pettiness. The same went for Kenji, actually. He couldn’t call either of them and disturb their dates for selfish reasons. After all, they might be out with their future spouse this very moment. He couldn’t risk their chance of finding the right person.

So, he called the only person, who already had.

“Hello?”, Jun said after the fourth ring.

“Hey, Jun, it’s me, Shou”, Shou muttered.

“Oh, what’s up?”, Jun sounded tense, as if he dreaded the answer. Maybe he was scared Shou would make him work on his day off.

“I got Valentine’s chocolates”, Shou said. “That means, it’s supposed to be chocolates. It’s really just a white box. And I’m completely freaking out. I mean, it was an anonymous delivery. Jun, I think my address got leaked. Some crazy fan found out where I live and sent me this box and now, I’m not sure, if I should call the management or go to the police or …”

“Shou, calm down”, Jun interrupted him.

Shou took in another deep breath, trying to remind his body that he was not in physical danger right now.

“I’m scared”, Shou said quietly.

“You’re just being paranoid”, Jun said. “Those chocolates could be from anyone.”

“Exactly!”, Shou agreed.

Through the phone he heard Jun sigh.

“I just mean, they could be from the office. Or from someone you know. Have you opened the box yet?”

“Hell, you think I’m crazy?” Shou’s voice sounded too high-pitched in his own ears. “I’ve been sent teeth in the mail before. Fucking teeth. And those were sent to the office. Someone, who is crazy enough to sent it to my private address could be sending a severed ear, or a poisonous spider or whatnot. There is really no way I’m going to open this box.”

“You should just open it”, Jun said. “Didn’t you talk to the others yet?”

Shou stayed silent for a moment, clenching the phone tightly in his hand. He knew that Jun was really just asking about Yutaka, because he was always the one, whom Shou called first.

“I didn’t want to disturb them on Valentine’s Day”, he admitted weakly.

“Oh, but you could disturb me?”, Jun asked huffily.

“A sudden phone call can really ruin a first date”, Shou pointed out. “Your wife is not going to divorce you, just because you picked up the phone.”

Jun sighed once again.

“Okay, Shou, whatever you do, don’t take the box to the police, before even knowing what’s inside. I don’t think you should bother the management with it today either. Just take a look inside and if it’s something weird or dangerous, call me again and we’ll work it out. Okay? Just try to stay calm.”

“You’re just going to hang up on me like that?”, Shou assured in disbelief. “While my life might be in grave danger?”

“Well, it is Valentine’s Day”, Jun reminded him. “So, I’ve got to go. Open the damn box. Talk to you later.”

“Thanks for nothing”, Shou mumbled into the speaker, but the dial tone told him that Jun had already hung up. His bandmates really were useless.

He eyed the box again. Was Jun right? Was he overreacting? Maybe he should just brace himself and open the box. Not that he was going to eat the chocolates, if there were any inside. They might be poisoned. Or filled with a magic love portion. Or make him go bald. But at least he would know for sure what was inside the box.

He shook his head. No, he couldn’t do it. He just wasn’t brave enough. He needed to calm down first.

Turning his back on the white box as if he could trick it into thinking he didn’t care, Shou started pacing the apartment. He wasn’t sure if the movement actually helped to calm himself, but at least it gave him the feeling, that he was doing something. He stayed clear of the windows, though. You never knew who might be watching.

He got out his phone and checked it, although he didn’t know what for. He wasn’t expecting any calls.

Catching some fresh air would be nice. It would certainly relax him to go for a walk outside. But he didn’t dare to leave the apartment. He felt the anxiety rising in his chest almost physically. Moments ago, he had still considered consulting the police, now he couldn’t image going out on his own anymore at all. Eventually he would need to get new groceries. Maybe he could order something online? But how would he known whom to answer the door safely?

Shortly Shou closed his eyes.

His fears were getting irrational now. Maybe it would be better to stay inside today, but even if the box turned out to be from a creepy stalker fan, the management would come pick him up by tomorrow the latest. For that, he really needed to check what was inside the box, though.

There was really no point in avoiding it. He had to take a look inside, before he drew any conclusions. And really, how bad could it be? He had received teeth in the mail before and he had survived that, although it had freaked him out quite a bit. There was a fair chance it wouldn’t get worse than that, even if the circumstances were more frightening this time.

He went back over to the box and stared at it challengingly. It was just a box presumably filled with chocolates. It would not get the better of Shou.

Hesitantly he reached out.

The doorbell rang.

The sound was so loud and unexpected, that Shou flinched so hard, he hit his arm against the kitchen counter. He winced.

Who might that be? The stalker themselves? Were they testing him? Playing mind games?

But then, the explanation didn’t have to be so dark. Maybe Jun had changed his mind and come over to check on Shou. Quite a bit of time had passed since their call. Enough time for him to get here, if he hurried.

Shou walked over to the door and turned on the intercom.

“Yes?”, he asked warily.

“Buzz me up, you fucking moron”, a familiar voice shouted through the speaker.

Shou felt his whole body relaxing instantly. It was alright now. He didn’t know why Yutaka had shown up at his apartment, but it didn’t matter. Important was only that he was here now and just hearing his voice made Shou feel almost safe again.

He pressed the button to allow Yutaka into the building. This time, he waited before opening his front door, though. He stood behind it, until he heard Yutaka’s aggressive knocking. He never rang the doorbell like a normal person, but had to use his fist as if he was trying to pick a fight with the door.

Shou unlocked the door and yanked it open. The desire to just throw himself into Yutaka’s arms was almost overwhelming. He just wanted to be held for a moment, he just wanted to no longer feel alone but physically safe, and it would have been his reaction with any of his acquaintances showing up on his doorstep right now. Yutaka wasn’t special.

Yutaka’s facial expression stopped him short, though.

The lines showing on his forehead made him look grumpy, but he kept his eyes on the floor as if avoiding Shou’s gaze, which was pretty weird for someone, who usually never dodged a confrontation.

“What are you doing here?”, Shou asked.

Yutaka exhaled soundly and he finally looked up. He seemed oddly relieved, as if he had expected a different greeting.

“Jun called me to give me a heads up. He told me your paranoid ass was stressing over Valentine’s chocolate.”

Shou waved him in and made sure to lock the front door again. It made Yutaka roll his eyes visibly.

“It’s just weird”, Shou defended himself. “How would anyone know my private address? It’s scary they were delivered here.”

“The only thing weird about it is that anyone would send you chocolates to begin with. What a strange choice”, Yutaka muttered and went into the apartment without waiting for a proper invitation. He moved like he was at home here, too. “What’s with the curtains?”

Without waiting for an answer Yutaka went over to pull them open and let the daylight in again. He remained standing next to the window.

“Shut them again”, Shou asked. “I’m worried someone might be watching the apartment.”

“God, Shou, it’s probably someone you know. That’s how they knew your address. That’s the most reasonable explanation and what any normal person would assume first.”

Shou didn’t know why Yutaka sounded this angry. He usually had an aggressive way of talking, but at least with Shou he was normally patient. Maybe he was annoyed that Shou had ruined his Valentine’s date. The thought made him feel giddy and gleeful inside, but he tried not to pay attention to it. He was happy that Yutaka had chosen him over his date, but not in an inappropriate way.

“If they know me, they could have given the chocolates to me in person”, Shou said. “If we’re speaking of what a normal person would do.”

“Maybe they were scared of your reaction”, Yutaka said and crossed the arms in front of his chest. It looked funny how he remained standing next to the window instead of sitting down anywhere.

“If they knew me, they should have considered, that it would frighten me this way”, Shou insisted.

He smacked his lips, angry at Yutaka for scolding him instead of offering him the comfort he craved. But then he reminded himself, that Yutaka had probably given up on his date to be here in the first place and he should be less strict with him.

“Maybe they are just stupid”, Yutaka answered, his voice a lot louder than it had to be. “They have to be for liking you in the first place.”

“Why aren’t you on your date?”, Shou asked.

“My date?” Yutaka sounded so baffled, that he forgot to shout this time. “Who told you I had a date?”

Shou shrugged uncomfortably. He didn’t want Yutaka to think he had spent a lot of time picturing him on a date or anything.

“I just assumed”, he said vaguely. “That’s why I called Jun and not you. You always have a Valentine.”

Yutaka sighed.

“Well, this year I don’t. I messed up big time.”

“That doesn’t surprise me”, Shou mocked, more cheerful immediately. “I’m just surprised it never happened before.”

Yutaka gave him a dry smile and nodded over to the box.

“Now, just open the goddamn box already, so we can put that behind us. Whoever sent it probably left a note inside.”

Shou looked at him dumbfounded. He had to admit, that he hadn’t really thought of that yet. Just because the delivery boy hadn’t been able to give a name, he had assumed the box had been sent anonymously. He hadn’t really considered, that it might contain an actual confession.

“Alright”, he agreed sheepishly and turned towards the box. He waited for Yutaka to join him.

He didn’t.

Shou looked up. Yutaka had turned his back on him and was looking out the window as if he didn’t care at all, what Shou was up to. He had lowered his arms again and seemed unable to decide what to do with his hands. That was unusual for him. Normally Yutaka seemed very much at ease with his own body. Briefly Shou considered, that in spite of his dismissive words, Yutaka wasn’t entirely convinced that nothing horrible was inside the box either. Maybe he was also scared of Shou finding a severed ear inside and just tried to act tough to not worry him any further. He had the habit of acting more chill than he really was, just for Shou’s sake.

“Are you just going to let me do it alone?”, Shou asked incredulous.

“What do you want me to do?”, Yutaka asked and scoffed. “You need me to hold your hand?”

Shou felt his cheeks heating up and he lowered his gaze onto the box fast. Actually, he thought that it would feel nice, if Yutaka held his hand to comfort him, but he wasn’t going to admit that out loud.

“Of course not”, he said quietly and reached out to undo the ribbons around the box. With Yutaka by his side, he felt a whole lot braver than before.

Slowly he lifted the lid of the box.

There were chocolates inside indeed. Small, dark pralines that looked like they had been purchased from an actual chocolatier. The expensive kind.

Yutaka had been right about the note, too. On top of the chocolates sat a folded piece of white paper.

Shou took it up and unfolded it. His heart was beating very quickly. He felt scared, but strangely enough not in a dreadful way. He felt nervous.

His eyes fell onto the handwriting.

Shou, the note read. No “dear” or “beloved”, that would indicate a confession. The Valentine’s note started like an announcement. I don’t like admitting this, but I have romantic feelings for you. Since no one else will want you as their Valentine anyway, would you be mine?

The note was signed, too.

Shou put it back down onto the kitchen counter and licked his lips.

“You gave me a scare, idiot”, he said and looked up.

“I didn’t know you wouldn’t even open it”, Yutaka said and finally turned around to face Shou, although they were still several metres apart. “I’m sorry, though. I came here to miniate the damage. I wasn’t meaning to scare you.”

Shou nodded slowly. Yutaka looked lost as if he didn’t know what he was doing at Shou’s apartment any longer.

“Apology accepted”, Shou said.

“You don’t seem surprised”, Yutaka observed.

Shou smiled.

“Well, when you pointed out that the sender would have to be extraordinary stupid, I kind of figured. After all, you’re the dumbest person I know.”

“Alright”, Yutaka said and clapped his hands together. “I just wanted to assure there was no reason for you to be scared. Your address didn’t get leaked. You can sleep peacefully tonight. So, now that that’s settled, I’ll be on my way.”

He finally took a step away from the window to move towards the front door.

“Don’t you want to hear my answer first?”, Shou wanted to know.

Yutaka stopped short and looked at him wide-eyed. His face seemed to mirror the fear Shou had felt only a short while ago. Finally, Shou understood how much he had needed to overcome himself to show up here and face Shou, while he opened the box. He must have wanted to comfort Shou badly, if he was that scared of his reaction and had come here anyway. But then, it was very much like Yutaka to put his own worries behind himself only to take care of Shou – while being a total jerk about it at the same time.

“I think I better … I should …” Yutaka pointed towards the door helplessly. He looked like he wanted to just run out the door, before Shou could answer; like an animal in flight mode.

“Yes”, Shou interrupted him hastily to put him at ease. “Yes, I do want to be your Valentine.”

“Really?” The word came out incredibly soft and the tension disappeared from Yutaka’s shoulders visibly.

“Absolutely”, Shou confirmed and walked over to the window. Yutaka still looked like he could need some comfort. “I’m so happy the chocolates were from you.”

Gently he reached out and put his hands against Yutaka’s neck.

“I’m happy too”, Yutaka whispered.

Shou leaned in and rested his forehead against Yutaka’s. He sensed his body relaxing instantly. Being this close to Yutaka put him at ease like nothing else.

“I’m happy I’m no longer in danger of getting arrested by the police for having shitty taste in men”, Yutaka clarified.

Shou chuckled.

“And I’m happy that I won’t have to move”, he said. “It’s such a hassle.”

Yutaka laughed quietly. Shou sensed his body trembling softly against himself. The sound of Yutaka’s laughter made him feel safe. He leaned in and kissed him right in front of the window.

He didn’t even care to draw the curtains first.

[radramblog]

Sometimes, we lose things.

A story from today. It might be utterly uninteresting, I’m not sure, but like everything else on here, it’s a peek into my brain in some way that is probably a little more personal than I intended for.

It’s about 10AM on a Sunday morning. I’m listening to a livestream replay on my airpods (I refuse to capitalise that), while preparing for the boys to show up. It’s Magic Day, and the space has to be prepared. Playmats laid out for cards, placemats laid out for snacks. Chairs for butts, dice for life totals. Chairs and coasters, basics from my Cube that can be proxied over. The usual nonsense. It’s mostly ready at this point, so I think about other things that need doing.

Eventually I’m going to need to put these airpods away, I suppose, but the case isn’t in my pocket. Not to worry, though, since it’s not like I left the house this morning. I think I remember taking them out around breakfast, so I suppose the case will be around the kitchen somewhere.

No such luck. It would appear this was not the time nor the place at which I begun my listening journey. I start retracing my steps in my head, to what little I could do of them. I’ve pretty much only spent time this morning in my room, in the kitchen/dining room, and my bathroom. I decide to check my room first, because its usually the first place this thing goes missing. It often does, being small and me being forgetful. Many a time I’ve found it just on my bed, blending in perfectly with the white sheets. Or under the pillow. Or between the pillow and the doona.

But of course, not today. The usual easiest way to figure out if something’s hidden under your sheets, I’ve found, is just by rolling over them bodily, and that has turned up nothing. Well, except the heat cushion. It’s not at my desk, it’s not on my drawers, and it’s not on the floor. Bugger.

Dad calls me over to help him for a bit. He’s pulling the trailer out to grab firewood, and needs a hand maneuvering it through the garage, moving cars around into the right positions, and checking if the lights are working on the trailer. They are, and he leaves. It’ll be a strong fire tonight.

Right, next is the dining area where I’ve been setting up Magic stuff. Maybe it’s next to one of the decks, hidden from view from most angles, and I put it there when I was idly shuffling while thinking about what to do (nope). Maybe it’s next to the kettle from when I made coffee (nuh-uh). How about the bathroom, is it next to the sink (no)? What about near the toilet, I did clean it earlier (nice try).

Panic starts to set in. I take out the currently caseless headphones and put them in my pocket. No sense wasting the battery when I don’t know how much battery I’ll have. Before I can get too stressed out, my first guest arrives (10 minutes late and still the first to show), and with him distraction from the tempest in my mind.

Magic goes well enough, and about 5 hours later, said guests depart. It’s a good set of games, it’s been too long since I’ve hosted, but good times don’t last. After I’ve said my goodbyes, the void sets in.

I have a fair few things to do. Clean up my mess, hunt down the headphone case, make sure everything’s ready for the lab tomorrow, figure out and write a blog post. But I’m tired, and I don’t feel great, and so after doing the first of those things (to avoid being yelled at for leaving cheese and cards on the table), I lie in bed for a while.

I reflect on the last time this happened. When I realised in the middle of a lecture that like today I had the headphones but no case. 50 solid minutes of panic, going through the full stages of grief 10 minutes at a time. Furrowing through my backpack, getting monumentally pissed at myself, however bargaining fit into that, getting really sad, and looking up the prices for a replacement.

That I ever got it back was a miracle. It had fallen out of my pocket when I pulled my phone out walking to class, and not only had it fallen onto the soft grass of the oval, nobody had stepped on it, taken it to some form of lost and found, or stolen it in that entire time, despite the white case on the green of the grass being quite obvious.

Eventually, I get up. Determination swells within me, some combination of frustration and just wanting to get it over and done with. I return to the bathroom, afraid I somehow flushed it down the toilet when I cleaned it. Thoroughly investigating the room, behind the sink, the window’s ledge, behind the toilet, nothing.

But that wasn’t the most likely spot, was it? I haven’t gone through my room thoroughly enough, clearly, it’s almost certainly there. So I do the logical thing and strip the bed. To no avail. Peek behind the headboard, nothing, lift the mattress up and peek under it, no. Every inch of the floor is combed, with no case in sight. I get to the point of pulling every single thing off of my desk, up to and including the things that couldn’t possibly be hiding a headphone case, and it’s just. Not. There.

There’s only one place I’ve got left, really. It could theoretically still be in the kitchen, I suppose, even though it’s the place with the least places to hide a small object like that. And it’s the place where the most people are likely to have seen it lying around (and I definitely asked). Quelle fucking surprise, it wasn’t there.

This is the part where depression kicks in again. Shit aint working. I’m fresh out of energy, I have other things I need to be doing, and I still feel like shit. I head to the loo, a different one from the one I’ve been scouring all evening. The one ostensibly cleaned by my brother, not I- thereby, the not particularly clean one. I didn’t search here because why would I? It seemed like a waste of time, I don’t think I’ve even been in here today, it’s usually about as shitty as I feel right now.

Take a seat. The headphones for whose case I am searching for die as I hit the plastic throne. In a motion one would almost call rehearsed, even poetic, I take them out of my ears and put them next to the sink.

Where the case lays.