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sirshrimpysstuff · 2 years ago

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A very informal esssay/rant abt a book quote that slowly turns into an identity crisis (vv long to buckle up folks). Ik most of y’all won’t read this, but for the few that do fully read this, just gimmie some feedback on how to better process my thoughts and put them into actual wiring, instead of weird rants.

If you could see the sun - Ann Liang

* In page of the novel If You Could See The Sun 60, Liang states “ it wasn’t until I stepped into Beijing International Airport, suddenly surrounded by people who looked like me,suddenly both seen and blended in,that I felt the weight of tension right as it lifted off my shoulders”(Liang 60).

We* Centered around Alice’s(the mc of the book) feelings of entering a Chinese Airport for the first time in years, Liang described Alice’s feeling as relived,seen, and that she felt a sense of belonging. This, greatly contrasts the way I feel whenever I enter a predominately Indian populated place (I’m an Indian). The feeling of belonging that Alice feels is also felt by me, during Indian events held here in the US. So perhaps I too identify with Alice’s feelings. However, the circumstances are different as she is ACTUALLY in China within an Airport filled with people who identify with Chinese culture more than American culture. While this observation may seem obvious, it is vital in comparison to Indian cultural events held in the US. This is because even though many attendees of these events are born in India, they live in the United States, forcing them to integrate American culture in daily lives. Or the children of these immigrants, who are legally American and just visit India. As a brown girl growing up in a predominantly white community, American culture IS integrated in my life. Which makes events for my Indian heritage less estranged from myself because I sense familiarity within many things. For example, most adults and children can understand and speak English, thus subconsciously westernizing these events. This mix of cultures allows me to feel “seen and blended in”.

* On the flip side of the coin, we have Alice’s true setting,The International Airport of Beijing. Alice seeing all these other people at the airport is supposedly comforting for her. Earlier on in the novel Alice makes commentary about the snide slightly racist remarks that people don’t think you hear in the United States. Her being in an Airport filled with people who look and speak like her gives her a sense of representation. I, on the other hand, feel as though those snide comments are accepted and are within my identity. Essentially, it doesn’t bother me anymore. I have understood and came to terms with ( hopefully) that I will never be a pretty white girl that is rich and has everything. That stupid dream is so unrealistic it is laughable. Yet we(I) continue dreaming. So the main reason why Alice feels the way she does in the airport clearly differs with me personally grappling with the issue.

* If one were to place me in Alice’s situation- an international airport in which I am surrounded my people the same race as me how would I feel? For starters, I have previously established that I would not feel seen or represented. Even when brown people get represented in media, something about the character feels off no matter what. Either they are too culturally attached, or they never acknowledge it what so ever. Finding that perfect balance of cultures within immigrant kids lives is difficult, and in my opinion, hasn’t really been found yet. Or when true Indian media gets American attention, which isn’t often, it’s essentially memed to the point of no end (looking at u Naatu Naatu). This feeling of dispresentation (not a word, but means inaccurate representation) makes me feel odd while amongst “true” Indians. Say what one will, but we all know that I will never be a true Indian. As an ABCD it’s literally in the acronym to be confused as a desi when in reality you are simply an American. I’m aware that no matter how hard I try ( if I even try at all) I won’t be a real Indian. I will always have the American accent, I will always think of America as the place I belong in, as my home. (Even though the people here think that it isn’t). It’s like and endless cycle of never having one true place, no one true culture, even though your technically fully Indian. Even though Alice did stay in America for a while, it didn’t consume her identity. Probably because she used to live in China, then moved to the US. For her, the United States is like an extended 2 part episode in a season of the show. My identity as a “fake” Indian makes me uncomfortable with true Indians, because I believe they have achieved something I cannot. (Although I know it’s just a mental block). But do I even want to be a “true”Indian? What’s so great about it? Sure I get the approval of other “true” Indians, but then I’ll lose the approval i have of the Americans. This is why once again, writing immigrant characters is so hard.

* To further showcase the impact that my American upbringing has one me. I previously mentioned the snide comments that people always make. These are more often than not, based off of stereotypes. Although not intended, I see these stereotypes within myself and others.Even though we all try to be fair and lovely, it doesn’t work. So whenever I see “true” Indians, for some reason I feel a sense of supremacy, as though I’m better than them for being more “whitewashed”. This is all due to my American upbringing once again. Often times I feel a sense of wanting to be more culturally aware and active, but I only feel that way when it’s “cool” or funny to be a minority. All of that just to feel special, seen, and heard.

* To sum up all these nonsensical words and writings into 3 simple words, to signify how I would feel in the airport that Alice was standing in would be:

* Melancholy ( or am I just sad all the time)

* Longing ( but is it)

* Supremacy( but not really)

Thx for actually reading all of this btw ilysm

#books #rant #if you could see the sun

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girlielavender · 2 years ago

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It’s been a minute since I’ve ever did a journal entry for a blog. Honestly, I might get more into it. But last talk about the things that’s been happening since LA to NY.

Okay, so recently I’ve graduated with my BFA in Fine Arts. It’s a really nice accomplishment. But I don’t think I enjoyed it the way I wish I did. Personally, it’s been rather unpleasant. Everything I wanted didn’t matter to my mom and her friend. My graduation day wasn’t even about me but them. Like, how the fuck does that even happens?🤔😑🙄

Firstly, my family—or rather my mom is a person that’s traumatized. Grew up in a rather abusive household and even in her romantic relationships—and of course, I’m not judging her or anyone for it. However, I don’t like the way she communicates. And as a brown skinned woman, I’m getting tired how black people communicate in general! If it’s not a black women driving a bus or a black women giving you your order at her establishment—ofc, it would be the women in your family. I’m rather pissed actually, what happened to actually just talking. Why the yelling? Personally, if my mom feels attack every time I talk to her, than I’ve been feeling attacked by her all my life! Like I get it, you’ve been through some shit but thanks to her I’m experiencing and have been through shit myself. And don’t even get me started on her and her friends; they are so opinionated, annoying, and religious ass people. Like, I shouldn’t be telling an adult how to be an adult. Childish moments only should be for fun not tantrums. Don’t talk to me, if your not going to actually talk to me but start getting offensive before the conversation even happens. I’m sick and tired of always having to be the understanding one, the patient one, and the only graceful one😑 Like, people…she literally got mad about the door just because it was locked and AGAIN got mad because I pointed out that she does the same thing. But do I get mad when she does it? No. Know why? Because I have a damn key. Just use your key and just use your words without the unnecessary attitude. And AGAIN she gets mad when I point out she has an attitude and tells me to shut up. Babes, at this point I don’t even care she is my mom; she’s seriously gotta adjust the way she talks to me. I don’t care how old you are and even if you are the women that gave birth to me. If you can’t talk to me correctly, don’t talk to me at all. Like the way she talks to me is seriously unnecessary. And sometimes, she does it in front of company; which is limelight embarrassing. I don’t know if all West Indian/Indian households face this problem but it’s honestly ridiculous. Like can’t you love your kids without being a complete raging bitch all the time? Is that like hard for adults with kids? Personally, I feel if your traumatized and you haven’t dealt nor face your trauma; KEEP YOUR FUCKING LEGS CLOSED, ABORT, or JUST DON’T HAVE KIDS AT ALL!!

I swear, if I had the option to DECLINE being born, I would have. No one asked you to have me—I didn’t ask to be here! Like this has got me stressed to the point I’m getting rashes on my body again! I’ve honestly come to the conclusion, that it’s best that you don’t live with your family but the way these prices are up, the taxes, and how my salary present and future remain the same, is pissing me off. Like, I can’t catch a break at home nor in the world. So why the fuck am I even here?! To be some grown women’s verbal punching bag? I literally just graduated college with my BFA—and what was once I missed you has now turned into “I wish I could replace you with a mother that knows better.”

I’m not gonna stand for this anymore! Like, am I crazy or sane because no matter how I look at it, this women owns me so many apologizes that it’s insane! I always own up to my shit but does she?! No! Like, I can’t even call her my mother because I feel more like a stranger more than her daughter.

There is so much dirty laundry to air out that this “dear dairy” will have to become a series!

Am I wrong to think that?

#family drama #venting

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vilsoo · 3 years ago

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Hi, Can you do a biker Michael au where y/n has an argument with her parents about Michael being a bad influence on her so in the middle of the night she sneaks out of her house and runs to Michaels house and cries in front of him and he just comforts her (sorry if this sounds rushed :( )

omg?? didnt think i’d be writing some angst for our biker michael but here we are 😳😭 also to everyone else that sent me requests in the inbox; tysm for being patient as i try to reach yours 💛 i haven’t been active as i used to be answering my requests/thirsts :((

tags: argument w parents, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff, cuddling, sweet romance

while you were eating dinner with your family at the table, you couldn’t stop thinking about michael. the whole world would just vanish around you whenever you fantasize or reminisce about the beautiful times you’ve spent with your boyfriend for two years. his love and obsession for you was a drug that you couldn’t get enough of. you always get carried away when you’re deep in your thoughts about him.

“…you see?! this is what i mean. it’s like she doesn’t wanna acknowledge our presence anymore.”

when you hear your mother’s complaints process in your head, you snapped back to your mundane reality with slight irritation. it’s been awhile since you’ve had dinner at the table with your parents; usually you would always be out somewhere in the late evenings. but it wasn’t that you were ignoring them on purpose or anything like that. your schedule and your parents’ schedules just don’t align very well to the point you can barely see them at the house.

but as this prolonged, your parents were in a mix of suspicion, worry, and annoyance of your excuses. as if you were really ignoring them on purpose. your parents then realized this started happening all because of your established relationship with michael afton.

“what are you talking about, mom?” you consoled. “i’m here now. and you should be happy to finally see me again after being away in college.”

“yeah, but are you happy to see us?” your father spoke as he placed his wine down. “because to us, it doesn’t seem like it. you’ve been awfully quiet this whole dinner.”

you scoffed. “i am happy to be with you two again. what are you even complaining about?”

“you’ve changed a lot, y/n,” your mother vacillated. “and your father and i both think it has something to do with your boyfriend. that kid at the other side of the neighborhood; michael, right?”

you felt a sudden anger toiling and burning in your chest michael was mentioned. what did he have to do with the fact you’ve been so busy in college? though he is apart of the reason you haven’t passed by your parents’ house as often as you promised, he wasn’t to be blamed for. even your schedule was too packed to see michael on most weekdays since he works at the bar. his schedule is busy as well.

“oh yeah. michael, that troubled kid,” your father added on. “ever since high school that boy’s been getting in way too many fights. and now that he’s a grown adult— he still engages in fights. street fights, right?”

“dad, please—“

you see your mother shake her head when she finished swallowing her food. “god. i should’ve said something the moment i’ve had doubts about him. has he harmed you in any way, y/n? does he bring danger into your life? is he distracting you from your studies? does he pressure you to do things you’re uncomfortable with?!”

“mom, no! it’s not even like that at all!” you retort, forcing yourself to take some mental breathers from the frustration building inside.

“maybe that’s why you’ve been so distant from us. your world revolves around some boy that has a very bad influence on you. all of your time has been taken up by him!”

you forehead lands on your clammy palm with a loud smack, forcing back all that channeling frustration as hard as you can without snapping to your parents. you sighed exasperatingly and spoke calmly as you could with your eyes shut.

“mom. dad. michael isn’t being a bad influence in me. i can see why you two think of him that way but i promise you don’t know him like i do. he’s not harming me, he’s not endangering me, he doesn’t distract me or make me uncomfortable. you guys need to stop worrying about me, my time, and my relationship. please.”

“we have every right to worry about you and your safety!” your mother suddenly snapped. “this isn’t even about your busy schedule or why you couldn’t stop by anymore. this is about your toxic relationship with a man that beats up thugs in alleyways, drinks too much, and does drugs! the type of man that we warned you to avoid when you were a little girl! and you’re being stubborn right now!”

“toxic and stubborn? holy crap, are you hearing yourself right now?!”

“she’s right. how many times have we told you to stay away from that man?” your father rebuked. “we were very reluctant in approving this relationship for two years and now… we think it’s best for you to not be together at all.”

before your head could burst from clenching your jaw so tightly out of seething anger, you pushed yourself out of your seat and stormed straight to your room with no words. if you were to say more to your parents in your defense, you would be talking to a wall instead. the “boyfriend being a bad influence” argument just keeps resurfacing whenever you’re with your parents until they have a fleeting thought of him. you hated how judgemental and depreciating they were of your source of happiness. your source of love.

so during the middle of the night, you snuck out of your window and drove down to michael’s house at the other side of the neighborhood. he was home with his parents for the summer break just like you. when you arrived by his driveway, you dialed his number to tell him to open his window. hearing his raspy, sleepy voice on the phone was enough to comfort you from your stress; a small antidote from your head swirling with frustration. once you finally made it into michael’s room, you immediately hug him; melting at the warm and safe feeling of being in his arms.

“woah, hey,” michael chuckled as he stroked your head. “i missed you so much too, baby. are you okay?”

the butterflies in your stomach transformed into a nauseating pit of anxiety and stress when he asked that last question. then the argument with your parents a few hours ago reverberated in your head. all the emotions building up turned you teary-eyed, your face burning and your nose flaring to the point you’re sobbing in his arms. michael pulled away at the small sound of your sniffles, dismayed at your emotional breakdown right in front of him.

“my poor baby,” he assured with a soft and delicate whisper, pulling you by the neck and kissing you by the forehead. he knows that you love the physical feeling of him cheering you up with sweet caresses, kisses, hugs, and his words of encouragement. and that was all you really needed after your dreadful night.

“no matter how many times i’ve tried, my parents still don’t like me being with you… but i don’t ever wanna be away from you, michael. and i know you don’t wanna be away from me either,” you sniffled.

you both sit down on his bed, your thighs resting on top of his, letting him gently wipe your tears away with his thumb and then kissing your cheek.

“it’s okay, it’s okay,” your boyfriend consoled as he hugged you tighter. “i know i say this a whole lot, but… remember that we shouldn’t let their negativity effect our relationship. if it gets too much into your head, you might end up believing it. but i know you. i know you so damn well and your values and morals are aligned with mines. what matters is that we’re compatible and right for each other, right?”

you nodded as you dipped your head forward to press your forehead against his. “their opinions can never get into my head. i promise. but it wasn’t just that— they were just complaining to me about never having time for them and think it’s because of my relationship with you. which is literally bullshit.”

michael scoffed. “how could they not understand that you’re busy as hell? even i get a bit sad when we can’t hang because of your schedule. but i don’t ever snap at you because of shit like that.”

“i know. but you know them— they’re too stubborn to understand me. always thinking they know what’s best for me or some shit.”

michael follows suit when you collapse on top of his pillows, stirring over to lean back on his chest so he can spoon you.

“one day, i hope that they’ll finally recognize your happiness and think that’s what’s best for you; having the happiness you deserve. and not just your happiness with me, but with whatever else you’re pursuing in life. i know your parents really love you and care about you and other shit. they’ll come around soon and see how good we are for each other. and that we make each other very, very happy.”

michael’s sweet talk induced you to turn around in his arms, hold his face, and kiss him softly. “every time i come to you about any kind of problems i have especially my parents, you never give up on me… and i love you so much for that.”

“aw. i love you too,” michael chuckled when you kept kissing him. “i know that your parents have a bad impression of me and think i’m a bad influence. especially because of my bad behavior back in school or the shady warnings about me, but you… you loved me for who i am. you stuck beside me and never gave up on me, either. people really think you’re just in for the ‘dangerous’ or ‘reckless’ side of me, but no… you love me for many more reasons than that.”

“because we’re perfect for each other,” you say. “if no one’s got our backs, we’ve got each other.”

ALL WORKS BELONG TO VILSOO © . do not steal, plagiarize, or translate my works. do not repost any of my works outside tumblr including tiktok or wattpad.

#( ♥︎ ) — received.#biker!michael afton #michael afton fluff #michael afton #fnaf #fnaf fluff #michael afton x reader #michael afton x you #fnaf x you #fnaf x reader #damn.#who’s gonna love me like this fr #who would risk it all for me #i need this kind of love

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fairyphiliac · 2 years ago

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This ao3 thing devolving into a yes/no on censorship debate feels entirely like we’re dodging the real center of the problem. The need for censorship is just a symptom. If people aren’t able to post cp/blatant racism/etc. on ao3 anymore you can be damn sure they’ll post it elsewhere (not saying it’s not worth censoring, just that I want to address how these things got so deeply rooted into fandom in the first place.)

So let’s talk about it. (I’m mostly going to be talking about the production of cp/violent pornography/rape glorification, because that is what I know the most about, there are other facets of problematic media and in many instances racism and classism are mixed in with these things too).

I’ve worked in the adult retail industry for the last four years. I get a very unique and in depth perspective on the sexual habits of the general public. In a society where sex education usually stops at the bare minimum, and sex - especially kink - is not commonly talked about, you can be absolutely sure that kinks/fetishes will both develop and be expressed in extremely unhealthy or problematic ways. Especially with the internet, people - KIDS ESPECIALLY- are being exposed to sexual content that they are not mentally and emotionally mature enough for, and don’t fully know how to process. They develop sexual tastes without having a baseline understanding of healthy sex practices, consent, communication, and boundaries.

I did a report once on how media is effecting the sexual practices of the general public, especially the youth. (If anyone wants I can dig up my sources, they are in fact academic/ scientific journal articles, I’m sure I still have this report somewhere). Essentially the research shows this- the earlier/more frequently young people are exposed to extreme sexual media, especially violent pornography (which is INCREDIBLY easy for anyone to access), the more extreme their own sexual tastes become, frequently to the point that as a young adult they are unable to become sexually aroused unless violence/extreme and often risky behavior is occurring. For a lot of people who do not have proper kink education, or who lack maturity, or a whole slew of other reasons, this means that a perfect circumstance for real life sexual violence has just been created- and guess who usually suffers? The demographics most often portrayed as submissive or as objects of domination and violence in media (women, POC, LGBTQ+, even minors or minor-appearing…). So there you have it- unbridled access to problematic media contributes to real life sexual violence.

Kink is not inherently bad. For some it is an extremely healthy outlet, or even a way to process and cope with sexual trauma- if it is done by the book. By that, I mean following ALL of the rules that the true kink community is built on- safe, sane and sober, clear and informed consent, mature ADULTS only, established and clearly communicated boundaries, practical safety precautions, aftercare and emotional support. You can’t just skip all of that. Even if your involvement in kink is purely fictional/fantasized, you NEED to understand all of that because I am telling you, the media you expose yourself to can and will inform your own psychology.

So how does this all fit into fandom? Unfortunately fanfiction is a part of this cycle that flies way under the radar compared to traditional pornography. We cannot continue to have irresponsible fans writing irresponsible content. I am begging you to understand the full impact when I tell you that your fic sexualizing a minor, which is online for ANYONE to see, can be a building block for establishing pedophilic tendencies in readers. I need you to understand that your poorly informed and immature representation of BDSM is contributing to a growing taste for sexual violence among young people.

I am not “kink shaming” when I am telling you not to post harmful garbage. I am pleading for the sake of those who are already more susceptible to experiencing sexual violence. And if you feel like you have been a part of this cycle- exposed to sexual content too early, exposed to things too extreme, wondering if your own sexual tastes and habits are becoming unhealthy or if your “fantasies” are problematic or becoming too much for you to process comfortably- please PLEASE consider seeking professional psychiatric help instead of continuing the cycle by producing harmful media. Pedophilia is not acceptable. Degrading fetishization of POC or LGBTQ+ is not acceptable. I have a lot more to say about this but this post is already so long. Basically it comes down to this:

Take. Responsibility. For. The. Shit. You. Post.

#ao3 #Tiffany G #censorship #ao3 censorship #archive of our own #fanfic #smut

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atsoraasayoma · 2 years ago

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Seeing as All the older kids lost their Digimon partners, do you then think that Takeru and Hikari would eventually lose Tailmon and Patamon, and if so, when do you think they'll lose Them. Do you think they'll lose Them before the 02 kids or at the same time as them

You know I don’t think Takeru and Hikari will ever lose them or the 02 kids. I say that for five reasons.

1. Takeru is way too attached with Patamon. I mean come on he uses Him as a hat in public and at school with Patamon and Gattomon sits with Hikari at the end credits of Kizuna.

2.The older digidestined mentality seemed to be separating adult life from play life and eventually the adult life wins out. We saw this in how they would separate from their Digimon from school or job training and would come home to their digimon. Remember the beginning of Kizuna? They practically set Takeru and Hikari up on a date, err babysitting activity while they both went to class. They loved their partners but their minds were going elsewhere all fit the sake of ‘growing up’.

3. Takeru has been through a lot being separated from Patamon when he sacrificed himself in adventure and has a severe emotional scar from it. Hikari also has a similar story with Gattomon through the death of wizardmon their close friend and we have seen reminders of the attachment in 02.

4. In Tri Takeru hides critical information from the other Digidestined about Patamon’s infection. He was afraid to lose him again. Hikari also almost lost Gattomon/ Tailmon when she fused in mega dark digivolved form with Rasielmon becoming the horrifying Ordinemon. We saw how she tapped into her powers somehow to reach Tailmon and nearly went out to the battlefield swimming to save her (we are proud of you) instead of relying on anyone else to save her. They show they are not above their own relationship as far as sharing groupthink with the others. Yes, it did come out negatively but this was part of the beauty of Tri (I will make a post about that later.)

4. Lastly thanks to the 02 group (possibly) Takeru and Hikari fit in with them and adopted their mentality (or was it the other way around? Debatable.) with the newer digidestined and kind of adds to the whole fact about them incorporating their partners in their adult life (02 group) and not separating or hiding it (original Digidestined group).

5. In the last episode of 02 ‘A million points of light’ We see in the credits how a lot of people got their digimon and the original group had restored a relationship between their digimon. I find it fitting how in the prior episode Hikari with the crest of light has an illusion (with her power I contend foresight or prophecy) about everyone having a digimon one day and everyone being at peace. With the timing of this movie and that future that does for the most part happen that does not leave a lot of time for them to lose their partners. In the 02 movie sequel we see how the Digidestined Taichi and and Koushiro are just getting into their careers and the 02 kids are in their colleges/internships. This is just a ballpark guess (I am no good with numbers) but I would think this would be ten years before the 02 kids are established in their careers and they have children. With how attached they were in the movie preview/beginning I can’t see them losing this attachment.

So for these reasons I don’t think the 02 group will experience the loss of their Digimon.

I’m never one to give answers without deep thoughtful reasoning. If you have anymore questions please let me know!

#digimon zero two #digimon adventure #hikari yagami #takeru takaishi #daisuke motomiya #ken ichijouji #miyako inoue #iori hida #digimon

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kariachi · 2 years ago

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Okay, so, now my brain is on Servantis and his manipulation of the kids, a topic I’ve touched on before but that was ages ago so I’m doing it here now. We’re gonna hit on a fair bit, I promise, both a bit regarding his manipulation of the whole and a lot of Kevin specifically, but first we’re focusing on the whole

Because we’ve got general forms of manipulation- he convinces all the kids they’re heroes and fighting for the greater good and basically makes them feel like they’re being Good People and that the things he has them do are Good even if they involve blowing up compounds and trying to kill other kids, and also he established ‘friendly’ physical contact, which is used to generate a sense of camaraderie. You’ll sometimes see that in videos of interrogations, or being done by your random fuckwit in a bar. But the more interesting thing is how he personalizes his interactions with the kids to better manipulate them

Now, we don’t see how he does with Pierce, Helen, and Manny, but we can compare his interactions with Alan to his interactions with Kevin, and they’re very different. With Alan he takes on the role of a supportive adult authority, almost a teacher or uncle sort’ve vibe, which makes sense. There’s no indication that he’s been alone a long time, he doesn’t seem untrusting or anything, I would guess whatever is going on with him hasn’t had time to do much damage before he gets snatched up, which means that the childhood need for a trustworthy adult authority is still set in place, by offering himself up for the role Servantis gives Alan the room to slot himself in place under his thumb.

But then we get Kevin. And he and Kevin have a wildly different dynamic than him and Alan. Servantis puts Kevin in a position of authority all his own (something we’ll touch on again later) and more-or-less treats him as an equal, at least in front of Kevin. And this is important to note for two reasons- 1) kids who’ve been taking care of themselves for a long while tend to push back against adults who try to step up and take over for them, they feel like they’re being looked down on or the little power they have is being taken away, so by treating Kevin as more of an equal Servantis is bypassing that pushback, and 2) Kevin already had an adult successfully manage to take on that role, only to then be fucking murdered, something Kevin could do nothing to stop (and you know he probably views it more as just ‘did nothing to stop’, and whether Servantis knows it or not he likely enforced that guilt, again we’ll get there), so trying to step into those shoes is only going to do more harm than good. So instead, Servantis makes out their relationship to be one between partners. And he does a damn good job, even when Kevin confronts him the first time he says specifically “you and I aren’t partners anymore”. It’s so ingrained that they’re on even footing that even looking back on memories of how he was manipulated and used Kevin still doesn’t clock that they never really were.

And Servantis doing this is brilliant for another reason, namely, if he and Kevin are partners then Kevin gets the blame. And that’s not even something you have to extrapolate, Servantis, during their confrontation, is constantly saying things like ‘us’, ‘our’, ‘we’, trying to shift Kevin back into that ‘us vs them’ mindset where he’s at Servantis’s side. But even while he’s doing that, he’s pushing blame and control on Kevin.

Which is interesting, because he goes back and forth a bit during all that, between blaming Ben and blaming Kevin. It’s apparently Ben’s fault he lost it, and Ben’s fault he ended up in the Null Void, but Ben’s actions are also Kevin’s fault because he never stopped him. It’s a back and forth attempt to manipulate Kevin’s emotions, to turn him against Ben and accept that everything that’s happening, everything that Servantis is doing, is both because it’s what Kevin wants and also because it’s what’s best for the galaxy.

Am I even making sense outside of my head at this point? I can’t tell, I’m rambling.

Basically what I’m getting at is that by pretending they’re partners, Servantis has sort’ve made Kevin the fall-guy for his ‘kill Ben’ plan. Not for outsiders, but within Kevin’s own head and among the Amalgams. He back and forths between Kevin’s personal history with Ben and the ‘Ben is a threat’ story because the latter allows for a feel good cause for him to twist the kids around, while the personal history allows him to look at Kevin should he turn on him or start questioning the plan and go “we’re just doing what you want”. He’s presented the illusion that Kevin is in control, and so can use that against him.

Gods, and I haven’t even touched on the mirroring, when Servantis mirrors Kevin’s movements during their confrontation, another tactic used to encourage feelings of camaraderie-

Then you continue on the ‘control’ thing, by putting Kevin in charge of leading and looking out for the other kids that got piled up higher. Stroke the ego a bit by making him the most important, but also doing that makes everything that goes wrong with them Kevin’s fault again. He was in charge, it’s his team. Not only does this free up time that could be spent actually looking after the children that’s instead been thrown on Kev, but it also gives another place where Servantis can twist to pull Kevin back under his thumb. You see it before Kevin starts his new plan, when his attention is directed to Ben summarily beating down the other Amalgams and he’s told he, quote, “knows what he must do”. He’s the one responsible, because it’s his team, because he didn’t kill Ben.

His essentially back-up fuel for controlling this child was the potential for guilt. The way Servantis has things set up, everything ends up looping around to be Kevin’s fault. Mission goes wrong? Kevin’s fault. Ben pulls some shit? Kevin’s fault. Kevin has any doubts about the plan? Well it’s his fault it exists in the first place. Servantis is just the one supporting Kevin’s actions and desires.

But then you’ve also got Servantis going back and forth on just how grown and capable Kevin was, against twisting and muddling things to play with his emotions. Kevin instinctively knew Ben was bad, but Kevin was an innocent child, but Kevin was a big strong hero, but Kevin was a victim of Ben’s negligence- Again back and forth in an attempt to manipulate Kevin’s feelings and decisions. Kevin was weak and helpless because that lets him be the innocent victim with just cause, but he’s also strong and capable because that ‘justifies’ him and the other kids being used as child soldiers.

(And gods, tangent but I hate when I see people go ‘well Servantis had a point’ because no, no he didn’t have a point. If he really had only planned to off Ben then maybe, but if you pay attention during the arc it’s really fucking clear that killing Ben is only to get him out of the way of his grander plans and that the ‘Ben is dangerous’ talk is just to justify the action and make the kids feel like they’re the heroes so they don’t argue.)

Point being, Servantis’s every third word and action in relation to Kevin for pretty much their entire history has been aimed at manipulating him, and it’s been done very well. And the why’s are also incredibly clear. 1) Kevin is seriously powerful, and having a way to keep someone like that under your thumb is always good for not-dying purposes. 2) Kevin is an easy target, a kid who was already broken down and whose pieces Servantis could try to arrange to his liking. 3) Kevin is the key to Servantis’s whole operation and so has to be kept under control. The rest of the kids, the donors, even the other Rooters are expendable, but if Servantis loses Kevin then everything he’s been working on is fucked.

So, he manipulates the shit out of him, twists the world into a fucking chain around the kid’s neck to keep him in line and just broken enough. And he does a damn good job of it too, enough so that even when Kevin has turned and is done with him, it’s still clear that those claws aren’t gone.

And of course this isn’t even touching on the fact that he actually went in and messed with all their heads. Blocked memories, formed connections, implanted imperatives. When the Amalgams attack Ben at the base Alan even says he can’t tell how long they’ve wanted to do so, possibly always, even though just minutes before there was no issue between them. It’s not even that Servantis taught these kids this was good and right, he fucked with their heads to make it a potentially lifelong goal they’d had, at least from their perspective. But that, that’s not even tools of manipulation as we’ve been discussing them that’s just literally going in and overwriting parts of people’s brains. Turning them into what you want of them. Something he presumably only didn’t do to Kevin because A) he couldn’t for some reason or another, or B) he had at least enough self-preservation to know that going too far mucking around in Kevin’s brain could end with the base leveled and everyone inside dead.

And that, little loves, is why Servantis is my most hated villain of this franchise.

#ben 10 analysis #achi rambles #long post #does this make sense? i don't know and i don't care #look servantis was a cuntfaced bastard if nothign else on that we can all agree

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flammenxci · 2 years ago

Text

So I have to be the asshole again.

Background

After my dad got his diagnosis, my estranged older-half sister got in touch with me saying we needed to get back together as a family again. The reason we’re estranged is due to we’ve been out of contact for a long time and she never really established a relationship with me when I was a kid, so I concluded she didn’t want shit to do with me as an adult and stayed out of contact with her.

I found it kind of odd after all that’s happened that she chose my dad getting a terminal diagnosis to want to reunite with me. I’ve also found out that her youngest son committed suicide last year, her oldest son joined the marines and is getting married soon and now her youngest child is about to go into college and start of life of her own.

I’m already seeing signs of her wanting to use my brother and I to cope with it. Not only am I dealing with a bereaved mother but one dealing with empty nesting syndrome and I can’t go through that again. She also has showed me who I am supposed to be to her. Just by observing her behavior and the fact that she does charity work in any free time she’s got, I’ve come to the conclusion that she’s being a fixer for others so she doesn’t have to help herself to keep living in denial of how badly her son’s suicide and her other two kids leaving the nest are affecting her life.

The Issue

During the last visit I talked to her, which was about a month ago, she not only spoke over me and wouldn’t let me get a word in at all, in my own home, as the home owner. But she also showed me how hellbent she was, despite it being in a nice way, in having that motherly figure moment with me, despite not being knowledgeable of a situation I knew all about... over a dog. I’ve been out of contact with her since and blocked her number on my phone.

She brought over lasagna, didn’t touch it.

She bought a meal for me from Texas roadhouse, didn’t touch it, let my brother have it.

She sent dad and bro home with a plate for me from the Thanksgiving dinner they had at her house, didn’t touch it, let my brother have it.

She said she was bringing over a small tree and not only did she do that but she left presents. I’m sending mine back. They’re already inside a box in my car. Going to ship them out tomorrow.

Dad stopped trying with us after realizing I didn’t want anything to do with her anymore and I guess she’s going to have to learn to stop doing it the hard way since staying out of contact with her and secluding myself to my room when she’s over isn’t a big enough of a hint that there isn’t going to be anything happening between us like she wanted. I am not going to be used to “help“ with someone’s problems like that again when they made it clear to me that they just want to use me to keep living in denial of their issues and themselves. Nope, not happening again.

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tinyhistory · 4 years ago

Note

Hey! Love your stories so much I just had to ask! Do you have any favorite drarry authors/stories? I sometimes compare the quality of other stories to ROA (oops!) because ROA is just that good. My personal favorites are ROA (of course!), the Foundations Series (saras_girl), the ordeal of being known (louisfake), denouement (the_never_was), Good to Me (And I'd Be So Good to You) (AWickedMemory), and To Hurt and Heal (cassisluna). Have you read these? Have a wonderful day! :)

Thank you, so glad you’ve enjoyed my stories! And thank you for so patiently waiting for a reply. I haven’t been online much in the past couple of weeks. Unfortunately I haven’t read any of your recs, but I’m always happy to add another fic to my to-read list.

I did a rec post a few months ago, but I’ll post an updated version now. The Skyhawke Archives appear to be down, which is crushing news. I’ve had to update a lot of the links.

So here are my favourite Drarry fanfics:

And We Are At Our Apogee (PG-13) by angelgazing

Summary: Draco wanted revenge, but it didn't work out that way.

My notes: Californian beaches, supermarkets, road trips, and a bittersweet ending.

A Reckless State of Mind (T) by Lomonaaeren

Summary: Draco is a Psyche-Diver, and his newest patient is Auror Potter, who’s been a pathological liar for over a year—and has just tried to violently end his own life.

Notes: The plot alone guarantees inclusion on this list. Probably the most creative fic I’ve ever read, and the twists and turns will keep you guessing.

Berlin, In the Year of Our Lord (PG) by Are

Summary: Harry is a green-tea addict. Draco stalks him.

Notes: Probably my all-time favourite fic, along with Blue Vase. It’s sparse and minimal and I love that writing style.

Blue Vase (M) by ivyblossom

Summary: Let’s pretend.

Notes: Draco finds an amnesiac Harry and befriends him, pretending they were once lovers. It’s pensive, short, and bittersweet.

The Boy Who Only Lived Twice (E) by lettered

Summary: Harry Potter is an Unspeakable. Draco Malfoy is the wizard who shagged him. Adventure! Intrigue! Secret identities, celebrities, spies! It's all right here, folks.

Notes: Action-heavy fics are damn hard to write, but lettered nails it. The action scenes are breakneck speed, the conversations are threaded with double meaning, and even the silences are tense.

Draco in Darkness (T) by Plumeria47.

Summary: Following an accident in his seventh year, Draco loses his eyesight.

Notes: This is one of the first fics I ever read (when it was over on FF in 2003) so it’s probably here just for nostalgia points alone. I read it when I was a kid and just thought it was a lovely golden fairytale, the best romance I’d ever read in my (very short, thus far) life. I love reading it again, even years later as an adult when I can see the tarnish on it; the things my childhood eyes didn’t notice. I don’t care. It’s my soft and fuzzy comfort fic.

The Flesh is Frail (NC-17) by wildestranger

Summary: None

Notes: Draco has injuries from curses and spells, and Harry keeps him company. Draco is angry; Harry is stubborn. They argue their way into a grudging relationship. It’s a short read and well worth your ten minutes.

Good-bye to Yesterday (NC-17) by furiosity

Summary: Draco felt ready to face even a million years in Azkaban as long as it meant that at the end of it all, he would make Potter pay.

Notes: It’s not a dark fic, but it certainly dips in and out of the shadows. If you like your romance to be sharp as a razor and bitter as black coffee, give it a read.

Hymn to Color (PG) by Lomonaaeren

Summary: Months after Draco cast a curse that took Harry’s eyesight, Harry is still trying to come to terms with it. Draco still wanted forgiveness, which was probably the problem.

Notes: Probably my very inadequate idea of “fluff”. It’s a quiet, introspective fic. Draco and Harry are well-written.

Kings among runaways (PG) by enderxenocide.

Summary: Later, the toast will be slightly overcooked, Draco will burn the eggs, and there will be another fist fight in-between the living room and the front door, but they’ll eat breakfast with second-hand plates and Draco’s great-grandmother’s silverware.

Notes: Dreamy descriptions, abstract scenes, and the characters are lovingly delineated. Beautiful writing.

On Broken Glass (PG-13) by coffeejunkii

Summary: After the final battle, Draco is holding the shards that are left of his and Harry’s life.

Notes: Established relationship. Harry’s forgetful and seems to suffer both short-term and long-term memory loss; Draco stays by his side through six years of post-war amnesia. Very short, just a tiny ficlet. There’s sequels (in bite-size pieces) but I prefer to read the first ficlet and leave it there.

Paper Dolls (M) by cupiscent

Summary: In the final year of the War, Draco gets a letter, makes a choice and pays the price.

Notes: Short, succinct, and packs a punch. No character deaths, in case the summary has you feeling nervous.

Portrait (PG-13) by Silent Blast

Summary: None.

Notes: Dorian Grey, but Drarry. Of course it’s going to be good.

Shattered (NC-17) by femmequixotic

Summary: One damned accident involving one too-lucky curse, and suddenly you'd think he was five again, with their Harry, be carefuls and their quick Levitating charms ready the instant the potion gives way and his rebelling hands lose hold of whatever's in their grasp.

Notes: Draco’s an artist. Harry’s intrigued by his sculptures and paintings.

Snatch (PG-13) by didntyoupotter

Summary: Harry is comatose, Hermione and Ron aren’t much help, and Draco isn’t sure about anything anymore.

Notes: The opening scene fools you into thinking this will be a light read with a streak of good humour. Don’t fall for it. By the third act, you’ll be hanging onto every word and feeling a lot of emotions. Also, back in the day, this was one of the Draco/Harry fics. Everyone knew of it. Pay your respects to your fandom history and read this beloved classic.

The Stages of Acceptance (T) by Lomonaaeren.

Summary: Harry, already happily married to Ginny, receives the news that he's Draco's mate. Law and custom don't give him the option of ignoring the news. The stages of his reaction, one by one.

Notes: This is not a romance, and I love that the author just casually chucks all the Veela tropes in the bin and says “nope”. In Lomonaaeren’s own words, this fic is more practical than romantic. Harry is unfamiliar with the Veela concepts and hates the very idea of being “shackled” to someone; he rejects Draco at once. Draco is miserable and lonely. They do eventually come to understand each other better, but it’s a huge struggle with lots of setbacks. The general air of pessimism and misery does make the small glimpses of compassion and empathy feel so well-earned. I love a fic that rations out its happiness.

The Stately Homes of Wiltshire (E) by waspabi

Summary: Malfoy Manor has mould, dry rot and an infestation of unusually historical poltergeists. Harry Potter is on the case.

Notes: This one needs no introduction. The writing is polished, the characterisation perfect, and the dialogue is fun. I love the humour woven throughout it.

Then Comes a Mist and a Weeping Rain (E) by faithwood.

Summary: It always rains for Draco Malfoy. Metaphorically. And literally. Ever since he had accidentally Conjured a cloud. A cloud that's ever so cross.

Notes: Another one that most of us know. It’s a lighthearted and fun read.

Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow (M) by novembersnow

Summary: In the war-torn years after Hogwarts, one man has no knowledge of his yesterdays.

Notes: Another classic back in the feverish heyday of the Harry Potter fandom, when books were still being released and everyone had worked themselves up into a shipping frenzy. And no wonder this fic was an instant hit. Draco has lost all his memories and Harry’s investigating as an Auror, but the longer you read, the more you start questioning everything. Good twists and turns that lead to a tender ending.

Turn by Saras_Girl

Summary: One good turn always deserves another. Apparently.

Notes: An inevitable inclusion on any favourites list. I think my favourite thing about it is the characterisation. Everyone is so well-rounded; the characters are brought to life and feel like old friends. All their habits, styles, mannerisms, even the way they walk or talk. While I love everyone in this fic, I have to admit that Blaise is just amazing. Of all the thousands of Blaises imagined by fanfic writers, I love this one the best. “Old bean” indeed.

Under the Ivy (PG-13) by coffeejunkii

Summary: It is impressive how much you can learn about someone by simply sharing a few rooms. They don’t spend time together, not really, but Harry still knows that Malfoy prefers raspberry jam over strawberry, that he hums along to the Wireless when he thinks no one is around, and that his leg is bothering him more than usual when the temperatures drop below freezing.

Notes: Another old, old favourite of mine. It’s like snuggling into a soft blanket. Remus owns a cottage and Harry moves in after the war. Later, Remus lets a room to Draco, who is an outcast after the war and has limited housing options. Harry isn’t happy at first with the new lodger, but he eventually warms up to Draco. A slow and gentle romance.

Vale Sanare (M) by rurounihime

Summary: Draco’s world gains a new component, just when he thought he’d sorted everything out.

Notes: London nightclubs, one-night-stands, loud music and lonely nights. Draco has seizures due to a curse from the war, and the seizures have led to a fear of intimacy. Short and sweet.

The Way Down (T) by lettered

Summary: Malfoy’s all, “Come out of there,” the way you say to a cat who is badly behaved. And Harry’s all like, “No, what, I’m a hermit! And I have a chest-monster! And I am crazy magically powerful!” and Malfoy’s all, “We all have problems, bub.” (thoughtfully) “You are crazy though. I’ll give you that.”

Notes: I just adore this fic. The fic starts well-grounded, giving you a solid backstory and matter-of-fact context, but as it goes on, it slowly unravels into dreamy scenes, lush settings, and repeated motifs. It’s just such a beautiful story.

When Love beckons to you, follow him (PG-13) by megyal

Summary: Draco wakes up, lost, somewhere in a forest. He has no idea where he is or how he got there. As he is blundering around trying to find his way home, he hears Harry's voice in his head, telling him what to do.

Notes: I generally like my fics to be bittersweet or with a bit of heartache — but this fic is just a little cloud of softness. If you need something light and lovely without being syrupy-sweet, this is a good choice!

The World of the Living (M) by fourth_rose

Summary: A traumatised war hero and a convicted criminal under the roof of an eccentric journalist make for a rather odd ensemble, but Luna has never had a problem with oddities as long as they make sense.

Notes: The story is told from Luna’s perspective, which gives everything a lovely dreamy quality. She takes in a couple of strays after the war — first Harry, who is avoiding his other friends and has quit his Auror job — and then she offers a room to Draco right after his trial. Draco is rude, angry, and ungrateful; Harry is churlish, withdrawn, and moody. Luna doesn’t seem to mind in the slightest, and over the course of the next few months, her house guests slowly warm up to each other.

Voices From the Fog (E) by noeon

Summary: After years of running away, Harry crosses paths with an all-too familiar face and follows him to Amsterdam.

Notes: Harry drifts across Europe, trying to forget the war. He ends up in a woodworking shop in Amsterdam, alongside a moody Draco. Atmospheric settings and solid characterisation.

#draco/harry fanfic #drarry #drarry fic recs #drarry fic #answered asks

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in-tua-deep · 3 years ago

Note

Are you into my hero academia? What about an AU or crossover with tua?

UHHHH I am technically, like, peripherally? I watched some seasons of the show like two or three years ago and since then have simply absorbed all content through osmosis, reading fanfiction that has canon events, and my sister telling me about the arcs of her fav characters lmao

so a crossover hmmm

First of all you'd have to like, establish whether bnha is an alternate universe or just The Future If No Apocalypse with quirks being traced back to the descendants of the kids born without mothers

So let's say it's that - the glowing baby was the "first quirk" but the truth is people had powers before that. But - well, the Umbrella Academy was obviously a marketing gimmick to those in the future! There were even comics based on them

In the future, you might find some of those comics in museum exhibits dedicated to depictions of powers in the pre-quirk era, but they're just fun depictions and much less popular than, oh, DC or MCU comics which are also in the exhibits!

End of s2 doesn't happen I guess in this au?? No sparrow academy at least lmao. So, the Umbrella Academy stop the apocalypse (again) and the Commission threat is? Neutralized? Whatever. They decide to jump back to the future

Five warns them that time travel is a crapshoot, that he has no fucking idea when they'll land beyond some nebulous "future" because Five can at least control the direction if not exactly how long

Also, Five is like. Super tired. Incredibly tired. Homeboy still has a healing gut wound, time traveled twice, has been jumping all over the place, gotten even more injured, experienced paradox psychosis, and managed to undo time all in the space of like, two weeks. There actually more than that but we don't have time to get into how fucking tired Five is from his ~Month of Hell

Like genuinely this is like putting someone almost delirious from lack of sleep in the driver's seat of a car and expecting to get to your destination in one piece

But hey, the siblings are like "do it uwu" and Five has sacrificed everything for them already so why not get behind the wheel again

So Five jumps them, and of course something goes wrong because Five has pushed his powers like a great big rubber band and honestly it was only a matter of time before he lost his grip and it snapped back to hit him

So here be the umbrella academy: spilled out into the future like a cup of bad coffee.

Five probably isn't in too good of shape tbh, like they're hundreds of years in the future (but hey at least confirmation of no apocalypse am I right) in a world full of superpowers and Five is like. bleeding from his ears and nose probably idk

Let's handwave a little bit - Reginald made them all polyglots so the squad all speak varying levels of Japanese. Allison is the best at it, Five is second best but tends to use more archaic words bc he had missions in Japan back when he was with the commission, and Klaus is third best.

(Ben is the worst bc he decided when he was 16-and-dead that he didn't have to do anything regarding lessons and maintenance and hasn't given a shit since - but also he's dead so)

So you have a bunch of weird adults with a bleeding child in like, an alley who have appeared from nowhere

so of course heroes get involved

Anyway, the squad get taken in and Five is conscious but like, barely? And he's not going to let himself get separated from his siblings again fuck-you-officer and there is a lot of confusion

anyway detective tsukauchi ends up getting involved and ends up having to hear this batshit story and be like "...truth." which sends all kinds of people scrambling because fucking time travel? Like yeah, it's been theorized to be a possible quirk but there's no recorded cases of any sort of time travel that is for more than 24 hours let alone hundreds of years

"I'm an adult." Five says sourly, "I just happened to be returned to my 13 year old body when I time traveled one time."

"True." Tsukauchi says, feeling his soul leave his body, but like. absently. the way he does when he's called in at 2am after getting off of work at midnight.

"I'm 58." Five says.

"Lie." Tsukauchi says, because this is a headcanon hill I will die on.

"I'm probably 58, but it was hard to keep track. I'm at least 50." Five corrects.

"True." Tsukauchi sighs like these six (seven? they keep referring to another sibling and Klaus said 'ghost' like that was fine and it registered as true and Tsukauchi is not nearly paid enough for this) are not giving him a migraine by just existing

on the bright side there's like, probably protocols in place for individuals who are Legally Chronologically Adults but thanks to quirks are Not Physically Or Not Mentally Adults with tests to determine if the individual needs a guardian or not

though i'm gonna be honest idk if Five would pass the test bc he literally cannot take care of himself at all, has never paid taxes or understands how to exist legally, and also his emotional maturity is stunted as all hell. also like. we don't actually know how much being in his thirteen-year-old body affects his mental state but yeAH Five is vibing

anyway Tsukauchi probably phones a friend on this bullshit because Time Travel Child alone is probably enough for the Hero Commission to be like "find a way to control and use it or nuke it from orbit" and that's not even touching whatever the fuck Klaus is doing (shit gets real once 'dead men tell no tales' stops being true) let ALONE Allison's whole deal

on the bright side like, at least Vanya isn't getting side-eyed that much bc Big Destructive Quirks aren't exactly unknown? if vanya wanted to i guess quirk suppressors exist for that until extensive training on how to control a super powerful quirk happens

Tsukauchi in the group chat: Aizawa please I am literally begging you to take this bullshit on

Aizawa: in this economy? with my class?

RatGod: lol we'll take them ;3c

Aizawa: no

Anyway they probably end up having to live at UA while Five insists on trying to get them home still and everyone else is like "oh hey we used to be child soldiers as well! (:" and Aizawa is like "i hate everything about this and everything about all of you but also like nedzu is making me interact with you so :/"

nedzu is out here vibing like "lol i just don't want the hero commission to get their little paws on these time traveling fuckers, i think you should make then teaching assistants or something"

honestly the siblings are probably like. figuring out how to function in the bnha universe and getting like, legally registered and stuff while Five ferally refuses bc that's like saying he's giving up on getting them home and he can do this

Recovery girl tries to heal him a little when he arrives and he passes out for two weeks like, immediately bc homeboy is running on fumes and spite at this point

also i think on principle it would be REALLY FUNNY if the squad got to tag along with the class bc like. Five is thirteen and the class are all 15. this does not sound like a large age gap. anyone who has interacted with teenagers know that the class would squint at Five and be like "who is this sassy lost middle schooler."

I feel like when I was a sophomore we were still like "freshman... babie" even though we were literally only one year older.

i think the difference between the umbrella academy and school kids would be pretty funny like. objectively the bnha kids are lowkey child soldiers?? like they're 15 and fighting villains but like, there's all this red tape and laws and stuff but,,, deku still be breaking his limbs in a child fighting ring against equally superpowered children for like. entertainment and sponsorships sooo

but also like Five would be like "oh cool when is the experimentation class"

"the what"

"you know, when your powers are pushed real hard by putting you in different terrible situations while your dad and sibling stand by with clipboards writing down the exact voltage it takes before you can't use your powers anymore when being electrocuted"

"hound dog's office is right there. therapy is available to you at any time. i need you to know this."

all might calls Luther "my boy" like one (1) time and Luther just breaks down crying probably because he is starved for positive attention

klaus and midnight get along like a literal house on fire, aizawa tried his best to keep them apart for as long as possible but god damn

(klaus: your name is shimura nana??

all might: immediately dies choking on blood)

i feel it absolutely necessary to point out that aizawa, present mic, and midnight are all like, 30? and the umbrella academy are all between 29-early 30s? they are PEERS but like. the umbrella academy are more chaotic due to childhood trauma

the umbrella academy probably get offered to like. also train to be heroes. i mean,, there HAS to be some sort of track for people who change careers right?? you don't have to cement your future as a hero when you're 15 i'm sure there must be something and the squad already have experience if they want to go be legal heroes

diego probably does at least?? diego just vibes honestly. diego gets momo to make knives during a team exercise and they just go feral on everyone else and it ends with diego highfiving momo and someone getting way to close to being stabbed for comfort

Five might just be. legally enrolled as an Actual Student? But also i think it's funny to picture the entire squad just. all in the back of the classroom with luther trying to fit into a high school desk as they take notes on the laws of The Future surrounding heroics

every word out of the umbrella academy's mouths just make everyone more concerned on principal but like, five and klaus are probably the worst offenders. Klaus just says whatever comes to mind with no filter and Five doesn't get what people would consider to be abnormal anymore like

Five: yeah our dad bought us when we were babies and experimented on us throughout our childhood in order to make an elite team of child soldiers superheroes, it happens

Todoroki: ...have you heard of quirk marriages?

izuku probably has an aneurism bc he's is the only person who might recognize them from the comics because you know ya boy extensively researched the idea of heroics in pre-quirk eras (batman was an inspiration alright???) and might dredge up a memory of a less popular comic series

Five: I can time travel but it is very hard, which is why we are hundreds of years in the future. And why I look like a child.

Kaminari: so are you a kid or not?

Five, serenely: whatever is most convenient for me at any given moment

Mina: hell yeah game the system

they have a brief lesson on astronomy and Luther raises his hand like "ooh! i was isolated on the moon for four years and did SO MUCH research" and then just gets up and starts infodumping like way too much information on the moon

Izuku sitting there like "damn if quirks hadn't popped up we could have achieved so much in terms of space travel. please tell me more giant man who lived in pre-quirk era."

Vanya finds out about the quirkless and is like "oh mood that genuinely sounds like my childhood, being ordinary in a house full of extraordinary people, and then i found out that i did have powers but only much later in life after i had already been emotionally scarred by the experience"

deku: vanya we have so much in common

iida and uraraka: concerned noises

aizawa: hound dog. therapy with hound dog for all of you.

there's probably some conflict with like, the hero commission wanting to get their hands on the time travelers?? but probably especially five and klaus as a) time travel and b) ghosts (the hc def has bodies they would like to stay buried)

five has a pavlovian reaction to anything with 'commission' in the name and hates them on site, probably plays into his age in order to become a ward of UA or something to protect him from the commission a little bit.

(this makes nedzu Five's legal guardian. aizawa has his resignation papers all prepped in a drawer marked 'in case of emergency' but let's be real, if nedzu wants to take over the world aizawa should probably be on the rat-bear's side of things :/)

five: ah, i do recall the inhumane experimentation that we were subjected to

nedzu, who was experimented on: haha same hat! want me to dig up the location of reginald hargreeves's remains so you can spit on them?

klaus: nah no worries we dumped them out in the courtyard unceremoniously like, a while back. how long ago varies for each of us because of time travel!

luther: you said hound dog's office was down the hall and to the right?

on the bright side, Luther probably feels like. way less self conscious about his body, partially bc of his fighting and all that in the 60s but also bc !! now he genuinely doesn't feel like a freak. no one even gives him a second glance. one of the teachers looks like a slab of cement with a face. gang orca looks Like That. there is literally a student with an entire bird head and goth aesthetic. Luther does not stick out at all

allison and shinso bond over having "villainous" voice-based quirks

allison and shinso having worn muzzles at some point in their youth as punishment 🤝

aizawa probably helps train vanya as well with the whole, being able to erase a world ending quirk safely thing he's got going on which makes for a very nice safety net

i don't think vanya would want to be a hero at the end of things though. maybe the assistant teacher in the music class or something?? all vanya wants is to be able to not end the world

i feel like as time goes by, five brings up trying to get home less and less. part of that is because like,,, genuinely what do they have to go back to?? Allison has Claire, but like. I'm 100% sure the first thing she did in the future was try track down Claire's records and found out Claire was like. fine. became an adult, had a family, probably became the ancestor of the first "quirked" kids who officially popped up after light baby. had a good life, died at an old age etc. etc.

they start settling into the bnha world with like, "we can always hop aboard the five express into where the fuck ever" as a plan Z if things go completely pear shaped (again)

i'mma be real, five himself doesn't give a fuck as long as there is a) no apocalypse and b) his family is alive. Like that's it. His bar is so incredibly low and yet his life keeps fucking trying to limbo under it

i just think it would be funny to have like, Five trying to get along with his "peers" and make friends while the siblings do the same but like, in the staff room

also think it would be funny for five to just walk into the staff room and get coffee occasionally.

a teacher: why is a student in here -

Five, sipping coffee: i'm an adult

nedzu like "what kind of guardian would i be if i didn't teach my new son all the tunnels around ua so he can pop out wherever"

five like "hey new dad can i put stashes of supplies all around ua of weapons, money, food, and other assorted things that might be useful if one needed to fight or make a run for it" and nedzu is like "haha just put your list of what supplies you want in your go bags on my desk and i'll critique it later!"

anyway a bnha/tua crossover would be incredibly chaotic but probably very funny

#long post #far tua long #tua bnha crossover #what kind of disaster is this #there are so many characters in bnha to even consider #there is no more apocalypse so five either chills the fuck out or his paranoia ramps up to an eleven #or both!#five teleporting into nedzu's office like: hey i wrote a 52 page potential contingency plan for if x happens #and nedzu is like 'wonderful!' and gives it back to five the next day with corrections and critiques in red ink #klaus ben and ghost!nana get along like a house on fire even if she keeps telling klaus that he's too skinny #ben: klaus is an absolute fucking idiot with zero braincells #nana nodding sagely while looking at all might: ah yes i know the exact type #diego and snipe become absolute bros like ride or die because why not #luther gets positive reinforcement and goes to therapy #also thirteen listens patiently to luther infodumping about space because i think that would be nice #five is either like 'i'm only thirteen uwu' or 'i'm fifty eight' and there is nothing in between - only what is most convenient #i feel like kaminari and mina vibe with five's brand of chaos #iida doesn't know whether to murder five for being a gremlin and disobeying so many rules or to be respectful bc five is technically old #aizawa is SO TIRED y'all #aizawa thinks vanya is going to be the good hargreeves but PSYCHE all the hargreeves are equally chaotic in different ways #five calls nedzu 'dad' for the sole reason that it makes every teacher and/or hero in earshot cringe in automatic fear #klaus also calls nedzu dad because he just thinks it's funny #five and nedzu have similar coping mechanisms so they vibe but nedzu also vibes with klaus's sense of chaotic humor #five gets talked into healthier coping mechanisms by way of 'keeping his cover' or 'preventing the hc from getting their hands on you'#aka five is not allowed to drink alcohol #five HAS gone to midnight and been like 'hey teach knock me the fuck out my brain is working overdrive and i need to not be awake anymore'

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nanaminokanojo · 3 years ago

Text

Play the Game | Nanami Kento X You | Part 8/8 [COMPLETED]

collection masterlist

one - two - three - four - five - six - seven - eight (final)

"Play the Game" Masterlist

You stood by the door, watching the chaos in your brother’s bedroom as he prepared for his wedding at sunset, waiting for everyone to leave so you can finally speak to him in private. He was, after all, the only one in the family you cared for enough to inform him of your decisions.

People always say you and Gojo were similar. However, those very things that made you alike also set you apart. Besides the platinum white hair and remarkable blue eyes you shared – unique even within the clan – being the absolute obvious, the similarities stopped there.

You siblings were supposed to be akin to one another, but the same things they loved about your brother were the same things people abhorred about you. You and your brother were both prodigies. He was richer than the whole clan, all assets combined being the successful businessman he was ever since he was in his teens. It was as freakish as it was awe-inspiring. You were an artist of great renown with your multi-million dollar pieces and the youngest to have been dubbed as a national artist when you were the same age as him.

But where he basked in fame and acclaim, your prominence was fueled by infamy. Gojo built an empire that served as one of the pillars of the local economy. You produced artistic pieces that inspired execration and controversy. Undeniably brilliant, yes, but absolutely contentious.

Your brother was kind. In fact, he was the best older brother one could ever ask for, and that was not lip service nor was it because of your biases towards him. You can never discount how caring he is to you, how hard he tries to make you happy and how he would go through lengths as to be the idiot just to satisfy your whims. He was just genuinely good-natured although he appeared somewhat insouciant. He had his evil streak, too, which is established in the clan, but his goodness radiated like a light that followed him wherever he went.

However, you have long accepted that your side which reflected Gojo in every way when you were younger had long died. Altruism wasn’t one of your strongest suits and you were only ever affectionate to people you had deep, deep fondness for. And that wasn’t even something common. Even your parents had always been the receiving end of your lackadaisical attitude.

He attracted people, you repelled them. Being surrounded by the good people he called friends was a testament to that no matter how vexing his personality was, and more people want to be near him. Apart from your three friends, you didn't make any more and your school life sucked because majority of your classmates hated you. For what, you didn't know. You don’t think you will ever understand.

It was your seven-year gap that made all the difference, you liked to think. It was much easier to swallow than the concept of the whole cosmos conspiring to create two creatures to be equals but of the opposite nature. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be that way, but you will always be the one looking up to him regardless if you did not choose the same path as his; regardless of whether there were no comparisons with what either of you endeavored to do.

And above everything else, you loved Satoru very much.

“Got a minute?” You began, standing before him in front of the mirror. It was rather annoying watching him struggle with the cufflinks, and you didn’t think he would manage to fix the bowtie still hanging loosely on his neck. Thus, you thought of taking charge. “Give it here.”

Gojo was surprised, but he was nonetheless happy. He wore his heart on his sleeve after all, and you could only guess it was that vulnerability he risked showing that attracted people to him. You have only learned the intricacies of such a matter recently, something you had to agree with since it all made perfect sense.

“Thank you,” he said, tilting his head to the side, watching you work on his cuffs.

“You’re really getting married, huh?” you began, feeling yourself start to falter, but you have decided. You may not have gotten him the best wedding gift materially speaking, but you swore to let him in on what was going on with you, to be honest with him like you hadn’t been for the longest time. “Who would have known?”

“Am I finally getting that emotional pre-wedding sibling talk?” he asked, walking towards the seats by the window and looking out into the garden.

“You’re getting married, not being sent away to prison. I don’t even understand why this happens during weddings,” you quipped, sighing. “But I guess you could call it that.”

He smiled at you, patting the space beside him. You did as you were told, assuming the spot, but also looking out the window, watching as the organizers made finishing touches to the garden below. No expense was spared to make the occasion as perfect as it could get. You couldn’t argue with it. Gojo deserved the best, and to him, Utahime did, too.

“I’m waiting,” he said, breaking the silence that had befallen the room. “You’ve been pacing before the door for god knows how long when you should have been getting ready.”

“I got ready much faster than you did.”

“And you look beautiful.” He tilted his head to the side, eyeing you appreciatively. “Sometimes, I can’t believe you’re all grown up. And what a beautiful woman you’ve become.”

You smirked. “You’re looking at your mirror image after all.”

“Well, there’s that, of course.” He laughed slightly. “But I’m not just saying that because we’re basically the same person. You really are beautiful, baby sis.” He tucked a stray strand of hair behind your ear, opting for it instead of his usual choice of mussing your hair since it has already been styled for the wedding.

You just shook your head. “Thank you, Satoru.”

“So, what did you want to talk about exactly?”

“The other day…” Your voice trailed off, thinking about what to say. It wasn’t that way before between you and your brother. He was always the easiest person to talk to, always open minded and optimistic about matters. But now that you were going to discuss something that he had vocally opposed, you were a bit scared of saying anything. Nevertheless, it wouldn’t do Nanami justice if you decided to hold back now, considering that he was more than ready to speak to your brother.

You’ve both initially decided to sit Gojo down and tell him about your decisions together, but you informed Nanami earlier in the day that you needed to have a proper conversation with him first. It wasn’t just your choice to be with Nanami that was the matter, and you wanted to get things straightened out with Gojo before he gets married.

“Yes?” he prompted.

“You said I don’t talk enough to you; that I don’t tell you things anymore.”

Gojo slowly nodded.

You breathed out. “Things changed. We can’t deny that. I grew up and you…well, you’ve decided you want to spend your life with Iori and build your own family.” Your lips curled up awkwardly as you tried to keep your emotions at bay. It was new territory having such talks with him when you’re used to your easy-going dynamic with him. “I’m scared, too. I mean, I can’t just bother you anytime anymore cause you’ll have your wife and eventually children to pay attention to and prioritize.”

He was taken aback by what you said, immediately drawing closer. “What are you saying, Y/N? You’re my sister. Nothing will change –”

“Our bond will not change, dude, but you have to admit that what I’m saying is true.” You took his hand in yours, squeezing it gently. You beamed at the fact that your fingers were structured in the same tapered manner as his. Even the shape of your fingernails were the same, just that his hands were bigger than your delicate ones. “What I’m saying is that even if you need to do that, I will be fine.”

“Of course, you will be. You’re my sister, and above that, you are your own person, and you’re stronger than you think. You’ve been handling things on your own for as long as I can remember.” He pouted, trying to act cute with you. “It’s disappointing, to be honest, because you’ve never really given me the chance to play my role in your life because you’re always the mature one.”

You were confused now. “What are you on about? You’re my only brother, but I can’t imagine anyone else holding that position in my life. You’re the best I could have asked for. I’ve always looked up to you. You’re my role model.”

“I am?”

“Yeah. The fuck are you so surprised for?” You snickered. “That aside, if you felt like I’ve been leaving you out, that’s not the intention at all. I always want you to be the first one to know what’s going on with my life…”

He clucked his tongue. “I understand you’re not doing it on purpose, kid. I’m just worried that you didn’t think I’m worth telling anything because, well, I’m not exactly a proper adult, am I?”

“You’re realizing that now that you’re about to get married?” you taunted him, jabbing your thumb towards the direction of the garden. “Should I tell Iori to call this whole thing off?”

He waved you aside. “Hey, don’t say that!”

You chuckled, shaking your head. “Anyway, there’s something I wanted to tell you for a while now.”

“How long is a while, exactly?”

“Years and years.” You flashed him a rueful smile. “I just couldn’t figure out how to tell you because I am not exactly sure how you feel about it although you’ve told me many times you were opposed to it. What I’m saying it that, I know that fact, but it’s the motivation behind it that is beyond my knowledge.”

Gojo’s eyes rounded, realizing what you were saying. “Are you…”

You nodded. “Yes, I am talking about Kento.”

He just blinked and stood up, pacing around in front of you for a while that you had to stop him from doing it. He had such a bad habit of doing that when he is in deep thought, and always in front of you, too. He was making you dizzy.

You seized him by the wrist. “Please say something.”

“I…”

“Why are you opposed to it?”

He stopped pacing and faced you, taking you by the shoulders, his eyes starting to water. “Y/N…”

“Oh no, are you gonna cry?”

He furiously blinked his tears back, the action almost comical if it weren’t for the serious look on his face. “Because you are my little sister. You think it will be easy for me to just hand you over to anyone? My friends aren’t exceptions to that although I trust them with everything that I have. I will always, always worry about you when it comes to that matter because I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want you to be taken advantage of, and I don’t want to have to break either Suguru or Kento’s bones when the time comes.”

“I can manage the latter on my own.” You sighed, finding your resolve strengthening. “But like you said, I’m this old now. I want you to understand that I know what I am doing and I am confident about my decisions. Honestly, I didn’t want to talk about this as if I am asking for your permission. This is what I meant when I said I will be fine. I am not saying you don’t have a say in my life, but I am telling you this time because I want you to know before anyone else does.”

“Suguru doesn’t know?” he asked, eyes sparkling.

“Don’t be petty. I tell him things I can’t tell you just like you tell him things you can’t tell me,” but you nodded anyway. “He doesn’t know yet…I think.”

“So…you and Kento…”

You nodded again. “I’m in love with him, Satoru. And he feels the same way.”

“You are?” His expressions softened, hugging you to him. “You’ve grown. Really grown.”

You returned the gesture, holding onto him tight. “Please don’t ever think that I am leaving you out of my life because I always want to tell you everything.”

Just then, he pulled back, his brows furrowing while his eyes narrowed at you. “So, why isn’t he the one telling me this? Where is that bastard?”

You shrugged. “He wants to be here. Trust me. I just asked him if I could talk to you first because I have issues to resolve with you apart from my relationship with him.”

Gojo exhaled, nodding in understanding. “I understand, Y/N. But are you certain?”

“Yes. I’m scared of hurting him, but I’ll do my best, I guess.”

“Hmm, yeah. Maybe you should tone down on your mischief, too. I don’t want him dying of stress because of you. He’s still precious to me.”

At that, you laughed. “I know.”

He poked you on the cheek. “Alright then. If that’s what makes you happy, I won’t stand in your way. You have my blessing.” His teeth clenched then. “But I’m still going to have to talk to him man to man in case he thinks he’s off the hook.”

“Worry about your wedding first,” you jibed.

“I almost forgot about that.”

“I’m telling Iori.”

He shook his head, feigning panic. “Don’t.”

You both ended up laughing, joking about the guests who were arriving at the garden, poking fun at the relatives you both detested but had no choice but to invite. Just like that, you were back to how it used to be, easily conversing and sharing the same sentiments about things and same penchant for devilry.

Soon, the organizer came to his room, informing him that he needed to go to the garden to prepare. You reached up and fixed his tie and jacket for him, holding him at arm’s length to appreciate your handiwork. “You’re all set.”

“Thank you.” He smiled wide but you saw the nervousness in his eyes. “I’m getting married!”

“You are.”

“I’m more anxious about seeing Kento after what you told me,” he stated dramatically.

You eyed him witheringly. “Shut up and pull yourself together.”

He snickered then. “Kidding. Let’s go.”

“Okay.”

The two of you walk to the garden, your arm around his. He stood at the spot just by the last row of seats with you, grinning at you when he saw you looking at Nanami who was already dutifully standing on his spot, speaking to Geto.

“Concentrate on your vows, yeah?” you told your brother.

“I’m off.”

“In case we don’t get to talk before you leave for your honeymoon,” you began, “Just know that I am waiting for the speedy arrival of my nieces and nephews.”

Gojo laughed at that, but nodded anyway and said, “I’ll do a good job, I promise.”

“And Satoru?”

“Yeah?”

“Love you.”

“I know, kid. I know.” He turned on his heels and walked towards his place at the front pews while you watched, his steps leading you towards the very man you would want to see standing there when the time comes, his halo of golden locks bright under the setting sun but you knew your future with him would be even more brilliant.

The familiar bars of Johann Pachelbel’s “Canon” began to play in a modified, slowed-down wedding version made especially for Gojo and Utahime’s wedding, played on the harp, piano and violin, cueing the beginning to the entrance of the bridal entourage. It began with the entrance of the flower girls who scattered petals of different flowers on the white carpet that lined the long aisle.

Arches and bouquets of flowers festooned the garden, with gossamer cloth hanging about, interlaced with live wisteria that hung down from the canopy along with fairy lights that progressively turned on as the sky grew darker. White and pink dominated the color palette as Utahime had wished and the same goes for the reception area. It was probably one of the most beautiful wedding setups Nanami has ever seen.

But his eyes weren’t on the ornaments. They were trained on the end of the walled garden, waiting for your ascent on the marble steps where the white carpet extended, the march made more dramatic by the organizers by opting for a meandering aisle instead of the traditional, straight walkway for the bride. And it did achieve the desired effect when you finally emerged from the steps and into view.

He couldn’t help the smile that tugged at his lips upon finally seeing you clad in that familiar faded rose gown he had first seen being fitted on you to perfection. He kissed you while you wore that very article of clothing not long ago at the couturier’s shop, and though he thought back then that he has never seen anything more beautiful, he was amazed at the fact that you looked even more gorgeous in it as you glided towards the front.

He loved you so much it hurts, and although you’ve both professed your deep affections for one another and decided to take things head on together, he still felt like he was in the middle of a dream he didn’t want to wake up from. You came closer, and once more, he was back at the semi-outdoor ballroom the first day he came that week, beholding the goddess that was you but seemingly in a different light – brighter this time, overwhelming him to the point that he had to remind himself how to breathe when you finally looked his way and beamed unabashedly, your affections towards him unmasked, real and not under the guise of a game.

“Kento,” he heard Gojo say softly just then, the man’s blue eyes furtively glancing at him.

“Yes?” he answered in hushed tones.

“Hurt my baby sister and I’ll have your severed head hung by the gates of the estate,” he said. “Are we clear about that?”

Geto snickered, concealing it by facing the other way.

“Understood,” Nanami said seriously. “I’m counting on it.”

When you were near enough, you smiled at your brother and Geto before turning your attention to Nanami. You winked at him as you passed by before turning towards your spot opposite them across the aisle, your attention trained towards the point where you came from.

He couldn’t stop looking at you, not even when he felt Gojo hold onto his arm, squeezing tight as Utahime came into view. He didn’t mean to be insulting to his friends. She was beautiful in her wedding gown and he couldn’t help but be moved by the loving look that your brother had on his face as he watched his wife-to-be come closer, guided by her father who will give her away as the sun set. It was poetic. A new beginning after a beautiful end. He probably looked the same whenever his eyes would find you.

The ceremony carried on as everyone sat down, waiting for the couple to exchange their ‘I do’s.’ their vows, rings and the much-awaited kiss. It was making him emotional, thinking of the time when he himself would draw your veil and get to claim you as his for life in front of everyone you both loved and cared about. He couldn’t wait for it, and he may be getting ahead of himself, but he wanted what Gojo and Utahime had with you.

As the minister announced the pair man and wife, everyone applauded and cheered for them. He did so, too, chuckling when Geto whistled loudly, being his cheeky self. Just then, he nudged Nanami on the side, grinning impudently.

“Is it safe to assume you’re next?” he queried in the same manner.

Nanami rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “Who knows? Someone might actually steal your heart in the next months and we’ll be seeing you crying as you watch your bride walk towards you by next year.”

Geto snickered at that. “Yeah, right. You looked like you wanted to jump Y/N and replace Satoru and Iori at the altar all this time.”

“Who wants to replace my brother and sister-in-law at the altar?” they heard you say, appearing out of nowhere, your head tilted to the side as you shifted your blue orbs between the two males, but before either of them could answer, you linked your arm with Nanami who smiled down at you blissfully. You returned the gesture, your cheeks blushing prettily under the twinkling lights overhead.

“I see you’ve figured things out.” Geto smirked, patting Nanami on the back just as Shoko came into view, taking the former by the arm, claiming she needed a smoke. She pulled him away, leaving you and Nanami to yourselves, winking as they walked away.

“So, you told him?” you asked, cocking your head towards the wide lawn where the pergolas were, built on three sides of the square and closed by an elevated area for the band, all surrounding a dance floor under a huge, white tent above, also adorned with thousands of lights. It was your design, solely for the wedding reception and a form of gift to the newlyweds.

“Satoru did indirectly when he said he’ll have my head hung at the gates of Gojo Manor if I hurt you.” He shook his head, laughing slightly. “Bastard had the gall to laugh at me, too.”

“He nearly cried when I told him earlier,” you said, regaling him with how your conversation with Gojo went. “He trusts you and is actually afraid I’ll hurt you, too.”

He shook his head. “It’s all part of the process, isn’t it?”

“Mhmm.”

“We’ll take it head on.” He held your hand, twining your fingers together.

You nodded, squeezing his larger hand. “We will.”

Just then, your friends emerged from the reception area with Noabara taking the lead, mischief drawn all over her face as she approached you. “I took care of the sitting arrangement,” she said to you then turned to Nanami. “Take care of Y/N. Make her cry and –”

“You’ll have my head?” Nanami supplemented but Nobara shook her head. “I’ll tan your hide. Satoru gets your head apparently.”

At that, Nanami laughed, nodding nonetheless. But to your surprise, she also turned her attention to you, holding you by the shoulders. “Are you still playing?”

“Nope.” You pressed your lips together, shaking your head slowly.

She smiled then. “Good.” She glanced at Nanami. “You’ve got you a good one here.”

“I know.”

They left you alone after that much to his relief, but then you said, “Wanna play a game?”

His eyes rounded and he felt tension again once he heard you say those familiar words, always the preamble to every single mischievous stunt you’ve ever pulled on everyone including him. He paused and looked at you. “I thought no more games?”

You smirked at him. “One more won’t hurt.”

He sighed, giving in. “You’re going to be the death of me, I swear to god.”

“So, are you in?”

“When did I ever say no to you?”

You giggled. “Great.”

“What is it about this time?” he asked, indulging you.

“Whoever gets a rise out of Satoru first wins.”

“The stakes?”

You just winked suggestively at him.

You forfeited. For the first time, you lost in your own game. It counted – albeit momentary – because you initiated the game…said the very words that began everything that paved the way to the result you’ve always wanted. But you did not really consider it a loss when for the long run, you’ve gained the very person you’d always gladly lose to at any given time.

After you father offered a toast for the newlyweds, the speeches began, starting with Utahime’s parents then yours, eventually moving on to you, then the bride and groom’s shared close friends. Geto had been rather irreverent as usual, pointing out the things that both Gojo and Utahime supposedly disliked from one another yet brought them closer, making everyone laugh when Shoko came up the stage and began her speech, saying, “Opposites do attract.”

You sat on your table with Nanami, both of you waiting for your turns. He was next in line after Shoko, smirking at you as he stood up and walked towards the platform and began his piece by congratulating Gojo, “for landing a very gracious woman who has the most enduring patience I have ever known in all mankind, given the grief that Ieiri, Suguru and I had to endure before Iori came to his life.”

He continued on with his witty address, pretty much reflecting what Suguru said and entertaining the crowd enough when he started to express his gratitude. “While I know that this changes nothing between us as the best of friends – including your nature that tested one’s forbearance – I would like to say thank you for many things. Thank you because you are, well, you…” He did a dramatic eye roll.

The guests laughed.

“Thank you because you are a real person who offered friendship to quiet, boring old me,” he said, droning on about the things he appreciated about the couple before saying the things he was thankful to Gojo about. “And thank you, because without you, without our friendship, I wouldn’t have met the very person I also want to walk this earth with for the rest of my life.”

You would have fallen off your seat when Megumi playfully nudged you if it weren’t for Yuuji who also held onto your shoulders from behind your seat, shaking you excitedly.

“If it weren’t for one Gojo Satoru, I wouldn’t have met Y/N.”

You felt all eyes turn towards you, including your parents and your brother, heat suffusing your cheeks as you tried hard to keep yourself from smiling like an idiot for everyone to see. Nanami has outdone you this time, and you knew you didn’t have a chance to go against that when he had so publicly expressed how he felt about you.

“I love her with everything that I am,” he continued, “and I will continue to do so even without your threat to behead me.” He raised his glass. “To Iori and Satoru. May you have the happiest, most prosperous married life from today and for always.”

Geto whistled loudly while the guests applauded. You also stood up, clapping your hands slowly as you shook your head. You’ve lost big time, backed by the fact that your brother stood up raising his glass as he said, “I couldn’t have wished for a better future brother-in-law.” He then looked at you, smiling fondly.

Nanami got Gojo to state his approval for everyone to hear. You can’t win against that even if you nearly made the latter cry.

And now, you were just happy to be in Nanami’s arms as he swayed you both to the tune the jazz band was playing, your arms hanging around his shoulders and your fingers playing with the hair at the base of his head while he held you against him by the waist.

“So?” Nanami began. “How’s that for a final game?”

“Not bad,” you acceded, smirking at him. “I’ll admit defeat.”

“Damn right, you are.” He smiled down at you, his dark eyes reflecting the muted, xanthic lights that surrounded you. “I have a couple of things I’d want you to do for me, by the way.”

You nodded slowly, keeping a straight face at the mention of his prize. “Rules are rules.”

His brows furrowed slightly. “Then again, you haven’t told me what you wanted when you won a week ago.”

You grinned, burying your face on his chest, listening to the faint sound of his heart. “But I did get what I want.”

“And that is?”

You met his gaze from under your lashes. “You,” you stated in full confidence.

Nanami nodded, suppressing a smile. “If you say so.”

“I wouldn’t wish for anything else.” You pulled him towards you so you could peck him on the mouth. “Thank you.”

“I don’t know what for, but as always, anything for you.”

You chuckled at that. Knowing him, he’ll make good on his words for sure, so much so that you didn’t feel the least bit of worry where your future with him was concerned. “You have to learn how to say no to me.”

“I guess, but since I won, have I finally made it to the list of people you don’t mess with?” he asked.

“As promised, yes.”

“No more games?”

“No more games,” you repeated. “Although I have to say it keeps things interesting between us. Don’t you think so?”

You both dissolved in laughter, the merry mingling of your voices coming to a standstill when he bent down and cupped your cheeks, running his thumb over your cheek before staking his claim on your lips while you returned the gesture in kind, locked in each other’s arms, glad you both played the game. And won.

-THE END-

I would like to say thank you to everyone who read this and kept up with my erratic updating. It's been a good 6 weeks. Thanks!

*I used “you” here, but since my character is Gojo’s little sister who is established to be his female clone for reasons essential to the plot, she possesses the same blue eyes and white hair. I did not exactly want to create an OC (although technically, I did by describing Y/N), but I opted for the best of both worlds in this fic, leaning more towards the literary aspect of it as opposed to it just being reader/you-oriented. I hope this isn’t iffy to anyone, and yeah, i’m not being exclusive or whatever.

Thank you so much for reading. Likes, comments and reblogs are deeply appreciated! Hope you enjoyed it.

PHOTO/IMAGE/GIF/FANART CREDITS TO THE RESPECTIVE OWNERS.

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autisticandroids · 4 years ago

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alright i have solved it here's how kevin can still win

okay so. in season nine, right? kevin dies but he ends up a ghost who is bound to a ring that his mother has. and then they go off together. that’s canon. everything after this is goodspn.

they get one cameo in season ten, a regular hunt episode except it's linda calling for help from the winchesters, just to establish that we're still thinking about her. their relationship is obviously strained but functional. kevin is there also though, being a ghost, he’s kind of off and not in the episode too much. same in season eleven. they get two cameos in eleven. in the first one, we establish that sam and kevin text occasionally, just to show that they’re still like, kinda friends. in the second, linda ends up crashing with jody, and that’s where we leave her for the season.

early in season twelve, like, in the first five episodes, we get another episode about linda. except this time she’s found some horribly risky method of maybe resurrecting kevin. the plot of the episode is the winchesters (including mary, at this point) and in fact kevin himself trying to stop her from doing this horrible thing. but they fail, and it works! and the bad consequences don’t come to pass! and now kevin is alive again!

a few episodes after that, the winchesters get called to help on a hunt with like, jody’s household, and kevin and linda are having like..... conflict, basically because kevin is a 22 year old adult who is living with his mom and that’s always hard. kevin spends the whole episode chilling with sam and dean but especially sam and like broing around with him. and then at the end he’s like “hey...... do you guys mind if i crash at the bunker for a while..........” and sam talks dean into letting him. and then he’s a regular for the rest of the series.

anyway plotlines and stuff that kevin gets to have:

- mary parallel: i am resurrected and now i want to avoid my sons; i am resurrected and now i want to avoid my mom

- not about kevin but mary and linda huntermom bonding. mary kind of trying to figure out from linda what it’s like to have a Large Adult Son

- gee, am i still a prophet? a new prophet has awakened but now i’m back from the dead. how do i deal with this? where does it leave me?

- he ends up not being a prophet anymore but there may be some weird residue. should interact interestingly with the s14 donatello stuff

- he sometimes meets up with claire to go on hunts together because they became friends when he was at jody’s

- jack is his awful kid brother whomst he finds very annoying

- i am not sure what plots to give him but like. it’s not that hard. use your imagination. comment ideas on this post or put em in the tags. like. lets put this hivemind to work

#spn

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postmodernmulticoloredcloak · 4 years ago

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So I watched 10.09 recently, and it has that part where Dean tells a story about him basically being almost roofied as a teen, but somehow it ends up framed as the funny joke and yet another proof that John "did what he could", and I kind of hate this? And it's the same episode in which MoC!Dean killed guys that kidnapped and tried to rape Claire, and you'd think writers would've addressed the parallels and acknowledge that Dean could've been triggered by this situation. 1/2

2/2 But in the end, it's never addressed, and the whole situation is framed as the proof that Dean is evil now. And I'm not even sure what I am trying to say, but with that being the show's approach back in s10, I'm not surprised about the finale anymore. Guess we should've known?

That’s an excellent angle to look at the issue because the Mark of Cain arc is a clear example of how people with different experiences will see the same thing in wildly different ways. There’s this phase of season 10 where everyone is like “oh no Dean is Getting Worse” and when you look at what Dean is doing... you actually go “...good for him”.

Let’s give Caesar what belongs to Caesar. It’s not “the writers” in this case, it’s Dabb. Plenty of other writers don’t fall into this John apologism thing. Just look at how the episode before Lebanon, written by Buckner and Ross Leming, says that sometimes John would temporarily kick Dean out because he was “pissed at him” despite Dean always taking his side to mantain the peace. It almost seems like a statement to sprinkle some salt given what Dabb does in Lebanon, you know? Maybe not, but there is a tension between “John was shitty” writers and “John did his best” writers.

In hindsight, we gave Dabb too much of the benefit of the doubt. We were like, weeell, that’s supposed to be way the characters perceive the truth, which is distorted by the trauma... But now it’s obvious that he truly believed in the John-did-his-best version. He brought him back and got Mary back with him. No matter what happened to the finale, the network didn’t print those pictures of John and Mary to hang on Sam’s wall. He never took Dean’s abuse seriously and it shows.

The “anedocte” of Dean getting drugged and “saved” by John from being raped is obviously there to parallel him with Claire. Which works! It’s so weird because it’s like. You are soooo close to getting the point. Younger Dean was assaulted just like this teenage girl is assaulted and Dean saves her... but apparently John yelling at those people is a good way of dealing with the issue, while murdering child traffickers is an overraction thus bad.

That’s the problem, isn’t it? That Dean’s murder spree is framed as an overreaction. Sam is like “tell me you had to do this! tell me it was you or them!” - the answer to which (by the narrative) is obviously no, it wasn’t self defense, he just killed them because he could. He just murdered those men for no reason except he felt like being murdery. And the audience is supposed to be like “oh no! Dean is murdery for no reason except for murderiness! That’s bad!”.

But it’s a power fantasy, isn’t it? Going on a murder spree on rapists and traffickers. I bet any people who’s been violated like that has fantasized of doing the exact thing Dean does here. Killing them all.

Dean had the physical strength and skill to kill them all, why shouldn’t he kill them? (I mean, in real life I’m against private justice because I’m a fan of the state of law, but the Supernatural universe obviously works on different principles than the state of law. Again, it’s a fictional narrative that plays out as a fantasy for the audience, so.)

So what was Dabb’s intention? I’m afraid it’s the worst one. “John Winchester’s not going to win any Number One Dad awards, you know? But, you know, damn if he wasn’t there when we needed him”. What the fuck, Dabb? It’s been established since season 1 that John WASN’T there when they needed him. Which... I’m afraid... leads us to the Cas-Claire plot in the episode. Cas has fucked off with Jimmy’s body leaving Claire on her own. Parallels how John wasn’t going to win wny Number One Dad awards. But! Cas is there when Claire Really Needs Him i.e. when she’s about to be raped by older men. Parallels how John was there when Dean Really Needed Him i.e. when he was about to be raped by older men.

I think the point is to say, Cas kinda sucked because he took Claire’s dad away but hey! He’s actually a good figure for Claire because he gets there in time to prevent her from being raped. Just like (ew) John kinda sucked as a father because hunting and stuff, but hey! He’s actually a good figure for Dean because he got there in time to prevent him from being raped.

It’s pretty yucky. Literally NOBODY wanted a parallel between Cas and John. But he made one. And he made one to absolve Cas from the guilt he carried for what he did to Claire (Claire’s mother is a mother so who fucking cares about her. She’s basically a Blurry Wife(TM), she’s only a tool for Claire’s arc, Cas apparently only cares about the harm he did the child, not the wife, for some reason.) and to absolve Cas from his guilt it absolves John too. Don’t worry, being a parent is hard. You often screw up. But you can *looks at smudged writing on hand* prevent the kid from being raped by predatory adults and everything’s fine now.

It’s not really important if the child suffered hunger or whatever, the only important thing is that they don’t get raped, because that’s bad, everything else is just a little detail.

All Dabb got with that scene was to paint Sam as extremely unsympathetic because he’s no longer a child, he’s a full adult now and still thinks of that episode at the CBGB as a funny story. That’s not a good look. It almost makes you think that the writer himself saw it as a funny story. Lol teenage boy biting more than he can chew. But then why the Claire parallel? The Claire scene onviously is not supposed to be anything but horrific. I'll give Dabb the benefit of the doubt on this specific thing.

It’s weird, yes, because Dabb wrote Dark Side of the Moon where he establishes that John was a bad husband/father even before tragedy hit the family. But apparently that’s the “not going to win any Number One Dad awards” part, I suppose? I guess he intended to write John as this flawed, ~complex~ figure who was imperfect but still brave and whatever blah blah did his best blah blah. I’m all for flawed complicated characters but a horrible father is a horrible father. A rose by any other name... parental abuse is still parental abuse even if the poor guy was complicated and traumatized and did what he thought he had to do to prepare his sons for a violent world.

Also, the story frames Dean’s escapade as a teenager being stupid. “You know what he got for that? Me whining about how much he embarrassed me. Me telling him that I hated him. But then he stopped and turned around looked at me and said, Son, you don’t like me? That’s fine. It’s not my job to be liked.” “It’s my job to raise you right.” This seems straight from a novel about teenagers doing something stupid that they’re too young to realize that their parents are right to be against them doing. But this isn’t just... a parent walking into a bar to stop their child to drink alcohol. Dean literally describes feeling sick from something that was inside the alcohol.

Sure, it makes sense that he’d lash out to John because of the shame and shock. But the scene is... off. Are we supposed to see this as a typical teenage mistake? Are we supposed to read it as something as horrific as what happened to Claire, literally sold into rape? Or, worse, are we supposed to see what happened to Claire as a teenage mistake, ah silly teenager, blindly trusting shady people, no wonder you end up in a situation where you’d get raped if a father figure didn’t sweep in and save you. I hope that wasn’t the intent.

To get back to Dean’s Mark-of-Cain violence, the writers clearly didn’t intend it to come from the Darkness up to a certain point. It was supposed to an arc about your own inner darkness (consider the Charlie episode, a couple episodes later). Then they came up with the idea of The(TM) Darkness, the suppressed cosmic feminine. While it caused a bit of dissonance in the subtext, it doesn’t really change Dean’s narrative, because his inner darkness is the trauma, and his trauma is inherebtly tied to the “feminine” i.e. the parts of him that don’t fit seamlessly into the scheme of toxic masculinity values. That the violence that comes from the Mark of Cain comes from Dean himself and that’s it, or is connected to the Darkness, it doesn’t change what it means for Dean. Dean and Amara have parallel histories, the feminine principle locked away, the trauma the anger stems from.

In 10x09 we’re still in the Before The (TM) Darkness era, before the suppressed cosmic feminine. The Mark of Cain arc is still about... well, Cain. But the shift is the signal that someone looked at Dean’s arc and said... you know what? “Lucifer gave me this curse so now I’m demonic and murdery” is meh. “Toxic masculinity suppresses the feminine and it creates trauma which rage and violence comes from” is more interesting. I don’t know whose idea it was, but it was a good idea, and surely the idea came from seeing how Dean’s MoC narrative was unfolding.

Dean’s MoC narrative was unfolding in a certain way, in fact, because of a pretty simple reason. There’s a fundamental tension in Dean’s MoC arc. We want him to go murdery, but it’s also our main character, so we don’t want him to do really horrible things because he still needs to be relatable. The audience cannot hate him, so he must NOT do something entirely unforgivable. He still needs to be somewhat relatable, even when demonic or demonic-adjacent.

So he goes on a murder spree... but it’s rapists and child traffickers. He’s demon, but he kills a misogynistic dude that wanted his wife dead for cheating on him. He’s a demon, but beats up dudes that harass women. He does a slaughter, but they’re nazi. He’s off the deep end, but works a case of kidnapped and abused young women...

Speaking of which. 10x23, written by Jeremy Carver. Dean works a case where a girl was killed while dressed scantily and Dean makes some slut-shaming remarks, and we’re supposed to think “whoa Dean, that’s bad”. But later he confronts the girl’s father and what does he say?

I’m just doing my job, Mr. McKinley.

By suggesting my daughter was a slut?

I’ll admit that thought crossed my mind. Then I came here, and I smelled the deceit and the beatings and the shame that pervade this home.

You shut your face right now.

And you know what? I don’t blame Rose anymore. No wonder she put on that skank outfit and went out there looking for validation, right into the arms of the monster that killed her.

Back then the episode was super controversial and everyone hated the case because of the apparent slut-shaming but I loved it! Because it’s not about the girl. It’s about Dean. Dean doesn’t think that a girl gets killed because she dresses in a miniskirt so it’s her fault. Dean is projecting on himself and he’s not actually victim blaming the girl, he’s victim blaming himself. And when he absolves the girl by putting the blame on the father... well, subtextually he’s absolving himself by putting the blame on his father. On the deceit and the beatings and the shame that pervaded his own home. He’s textually not ready to absolve himself, of course, he summons Death to ask him to kill him later, but subtextually he’s on the right path.

Rose McKinley basically did the same mistake Dean did at the CBGB when he trusted some older people who offered him drinks and the same mistake Claire did when she trusted a man who sold her for money because he offered him a place and stability. She trusted the wrong people (in this case, vampires, which adds the whole subtext of vampires and sexuality) who took advantage of her. Except Rose had no one to save her. (Her friend, Crystal, gets rescued by Dean, even if he causes the other hunter Rudy to die in the process.)

Carver’s writing is pretty brutal. The girl made that mistake because was abused at home, so she was desperate for validation and that desperation drove her into the wrong hands. (Rose even has a brother who blames himself for bringing her sister to her future murderers, destructive sibling relationship check.) It doesn’t actually even matter if Dean guessed right about Rose’s family situation, because what matters is what it tells us about Dean. He basically relates to a dead abused girl. Actually all through the season Dean is paralleled to “skanks” “sluts” and sex workers. Obviously this happens kinda all through the show, the whole “the business is based on absent fathers” thing happened much earlier in the story, so it’s not new. But s10 draws a picture of female suffering - abuse, manipulation and death. Season 10 was difficult to go through. In hindsight, it was probably on purpose because it was supposed to be darkest hour of the feminine. Summed with some good old fashioned misogyny, but hey.

The Carver era was wonky but Carver wanted to free the feminine. (I believe that Mary’s comeback, while written by Dabb because of the showrunner shift, was planned before the showrunner shift.) We thought the Dabb era wanted the same, with Mary choosing life and Amara being independent and so on, but it evidently wasn’t the case. Not a single woman arrives at end of the story. It’s hardly ~Bucklemming or ~the network or ~covid because it starts before the very end.

I’m not saying that dead sluts are more feminist than living women, but if the women die or disappear anyway (and they did) I’d rather have an exploration of trauma than nothing. And I definitely prefer a dead slut narrative that calls out parental abuse than a narrative where women live but abuse gets the you-did-your-best treatment.

Whoops! I digressed! But feel free to ask for any clarification or send me any observation or thought.

#anon #my spn thoughts #season 10 #spn 10x09 #spn 10x23 #dean and john #parental abuse #john winchester's a+ parenting #mark of cain #demon dean #spn #i love talking about season 10 uh

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angelsndragons · 4 years ago

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still waiting for coherence on my main ideas from 130 but until then, i’m gonna talk a bit about calliope and caduceus. going by current canon confirmation, calliope - the yang to caduceus’ yin- is caduceus’ little sister, not clarabelle, so i am going proceed from that angle. honestly, i think what trips matt up with the sisters is that he established that clarabelle had been frozen long enough to still be a small, still growing teenager while her little siblings have grown up; i don’t think he is twisting around where calliope is in the birth order even if he mixed up the gifts caduceus gave them.

that said, looking at the conversation from ‘older caduceus, younger calliope’ just has so many layers. caduceus speaks to her like a peer, like his equal, until he falls back into older sibling ‘here’s what you are going to do’ mode. as an older sibling, it is a sign of great trust, and probably a little desperation, to be that vulnerable with your younger sibling. you’re used to protecting them, even if it is just from yourself, you’re used to just carrying on because from the day they were born, you became their example, tormentor, protector, and fan all wrapped into one. for cad to take off the mask like he did and let his little sister see his worry and pain is whew, look how far we have come. because the clays were surprised that caduceus ‘stormed’ out. being the quiet, responsible kid who did what he was told, who loved his little sister so fiercely that he let her “jump the line” just because she wanted it, that was the caduceus they knew. the caduceus who eventually slid into a deep dark hole without an idea of how to stop digging. but caduceus isn’t that person anymore. and sure, calliope fell into old habits and rhythms back in the menagerie, caduceus did too, but even there, she caught a glimpse of the caduceus who had been molded loneliness and reshaped by the care and caring of the nein. and she accepted it. she didn’t begrudge caduceus his time in the world. it’s only here, now, when calliope might be left completely alone, adrift without her favorite big brother, that she objects. when she might be stuck with the fate he was supposed to have: staying home.

it’s tough as an older sibling to ‘take’ something from a younger one, especially if it is their thing. caduceus’ thing has never been combat; he was the sensitive, perceptive one who could sense fate’s currents around them and feel the wildmother in everything. calliope was the warrior of the two. and honestly, it hurts how much both of them recognize that melora does not need a warrior in the upcoming struggle; she, and the world by extension, needs a healer. the thing that calliope has been training for and waiting for all her life and it isn’t saving her home or a battle for the fate of all creation. what a bitter pill to swallow. the thing caduceus has been training for all his life and it isn’t sustaining his home. yet, somewhere deep down, they both knew that this was coming. calliope only made armor and a shield for caduceus, after all, not her other siblings or the adults.

just like we saw in the menagerie, caduceus trusts his warrior baby sister above all others to do what has to be done in difficult circumstances. he charges her with getting everyone home safely, he charges her with his secret pain, his last wishes, and the grove’s last defense. and she hates it. waiting and preparing doesn’t seem to come easily to her the way it too easily does to caduceus.

finally, as an older sibling, i felt caduceus’ ‘i don’t want to do it but if keeps you from doing it, if i can protect you from this, i will’ remark deep down in my soul. as an older sibling with an amazing younger one, yeah, you definitely had that dunk in the water coming, caduceus. they have to do something to keep us humble and in check when we start throwing that shit around.

#caduceus clay #cr caduceus #cr spoilers #caduceus meta #critical role #the mighty nein #my meta #look there is a lot still left in there #i will be mining this until the end of the campaign #this is 'a game of names' for caduceus #in terms of clicking backstory elements together #there will never come a time i am finished with this episode

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skamamoroma · 4 years ago

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I Promised You The Moon - Episode 1 Thoughts - aka did John Hughes direct this and not tell us?

Oh I had to wait so long today to see episode 1 as I was working but I am so very happy I waited till I was in bed and with a cup of tea... which I then cried into four times. So that’s where I’m at. This is going to be long, I’m not even sorry in the slightest!

For ITSAY, I made so many posts about this show and how moving and beautiful it was, how the symbolism and writing was exceptional, how the music was absolutely incredible and how much I adored BK and PP’s chemistry. P’Boss’ work is special and the feel of Part 1 was a delicious kind of awkward, indie movie full of metaphors, fraught pain and emotion and pretty breathtaking storytelling of love and growth. I fell absolutely in love with Teh and Oh and their story, obsessed with Teh as a character (as I see a lot of myself in him and I love when he spirals) and I just felt utterly moved by the whole show. So I never needed Part 2. Part 1, for me, is perfect. And I certainly didn’t expect to love Part 2 as much or feel as much emotion because I just thought it wouldn’t be possible especially with a change of director and city and storyline... but I genuinely think that was a good idea after seeing Episode 1.

I just finished it and I’m kinda tear stained and the first thing I couldn’t get out of my head was just how much it reminds me of the late dear John Hughes movies from the 80s. Those of you who are a little old like me born right at the beginning of the 90s, will have been brought up on those movies filled with 80s synth music, stories of growing up, artsy camera work and filled with colour and emotion. Those movies are some of my all time favourites and I absolutely felt their influence on Episode 1 and maybe the rest of the season, I don’t know! I really wonder if P’Meen used them or was aware, hahaha. Anyway...!

But first off, I cannot, and I mean CANNOT handle the music. Part 1 really did floor me with the use of the score and how it was such a huge part of the reason it was so beautiful. Phuket Dreams has me in tears about 3 notes in... so cue me crying at the remixes of the old score with 80s synth sounds and almost Dream Pop echoy sounds. That right there is my jam, my absolute favourite music and the way IPYTM is so clearly going to be full of it makes my heart very happy. Especially those last scenes with Oh, that sweeping 80s style music taking him from heartbroken pain to dancing to forget had John Hughes all over it and just felt so impactful. So I will bang on every week about the music I’m sure.

As for the beginning and the casual buying of condoms (yesssss god damn Nadao, thank you for safe sex lessons for LGBT+ youth and a nod to actual sexual expression, I’m mega proud) leading into the way Hoon and Suri were involved (they didn’t give me Tuty 😭) in transferring Teh, it felt like such a gorgeous transfer from ITSAY vibes to IPYTM... watching Teh’s mamma so proud, Hoon watching over him as always and then gently leading into the first moment that made me cry...

How dare they put a remix of the old score over Teh being told by his mamma that she accepts him as he is so casually and softly, in a way that not only lets Teh know he’s loved but welcomes Oh as someone she cares about deeply and is happy being someone her son loves. It was beautifully done and I couldn’t help but think of Teh’s teary face on the Cape at the end of Episode 5 and thinking how proud I am of him. The way Hoon stroked his hair - help.

Teh. Now I made no secret of the fact that I loved every moment of watching Teh go through it in Part 1, how his very physicality and struggle played out especially him writhing all over his rug! But we had to see him grow. He isn’t the same boy he was but he still feels like Teh, just a little more comfortable, a little more mature in some ways and just READY for life. He feels tentative but also prepared to grow more and I just adore him. Oh, on the other hand, the one who was much more secure in himself in terms of his self and sexuality in Part 1 is now absolutely thrown into the unknown and isn’t handling it well.

Oh was established so beautifully as a Phuket boy. His name is rooted in his home, he lives in shorts and by the sea, he’s shaped by that place and what it means to him... his signature scent is coconut! He literally embodies Phuket... so it doesn’t in any way surprise me that we are watching him flounder and feel lost. It feels so human and so many moments felt so moving. When he told Teh that the best part of his day was seeing him, when he imagined the waves on his mind, when he listened to his mamma talk about the coastal weather... it’s hardly surprising that he cried as he was asked to explain his name. That was the second moment that got me. I was a wreck. Watching him break down and fall to pieces infront of total strangers just because he was recounting the meaning of his name, the foundation of who he is, the thing he misses to very much... he doesn’t fit, he doesn’t feel at home and he didn’t feel himself. It was beautifully done, for me. I caught my breath the second he started crying because it was so utterly human and raw. I have felt the way he does and recognised every second on his face. PP has come so so far with his acting.

Then we get the mention of Yongjian. NOW SOMEONE TELL ME IS THAT TEH AS YONGJIAN IN THE TITLES? If so, how dare they spoil it?! I am going to weep uncontrollably if Teh gets his dream. But the way Teh spoke of their future, the way he tried to recreate their past with Yongjian’s speech. Their entire history as friends and boyfriends is rooted in that story, that character, the idea of being Male protagonists... and Teh is so sure of their future. Also, you cannot also avoid the meta of it all with BK and PP. That moment and their words felt so personal to them too and their own real lives!

Do not even start with how their first kiss in Phuket was underwater and arguably their first kiss in Bangkok is the same albeit in public. DO NOT LET ME THINK ABOUT THIS TOO MUCH.

The issue is that, Part 1 set out for us how they ended up where they are. Oh fell into acting, it was never his dream from the start. Then it all became a fight, a thing to win from his rival and in the end a thing to prove. We haven’t really ever see Oh show a passion for the stage and acting, not really. He worked so hard to get his place in Uni but there’s so much irony at play. Their entire story of rivalry has actually caused this current situation. Oh “won” the coveted Uni spot (helped in part by Teh) and Teh “lost” and was making do. But we see how that’s not how life goes. Oh never really felt he knew what he wanted and so he just ploughed on. He’s now in a situation where he has to start deciding, has to be his own person and he’s just... lost. I can’t wait to see him find it whatever it may be! The difference with Teh is that he may not have got his number 1 desire but his passion is ENOUGH. He loves what he’s doing and that moment where Khim (is that her name, I forget now, it’s so late, but Goy’s character) was explaining the lights was gorgeous. Teh’s passion was ignited, you could see that “oh wow” moment... and you can see the difference in how they’re going to progress, Teh didn’t need the top Uni because his passion can carry him and will help him succeed whereas Oh doesn’t know what his passion is and perhaps he’s where he is for the wrong reasons after all. The story telling is lovely to me, if completely heartbreaking.

The tears came again at “but I’ve already given so much of our time to other people”. Oh the tears. The boat scene from ITSAY is my favourite scene of the show and that line is one of the most beautiful bits of writing I’ve encountered for a long while... and to see Teh use it and remember it and effectively set out the issue they’re facing was heartbreaking. They made that promise on the boat and they’re breaking it. Oh-aew is trying to be what he thinks Teh needs and Teh is wide eyed and filled with this new world and getting to indulge his passions. They’re both so human and both trying the best way they know but they’re so young and so unsure and have so little life experience that they don’t know how to be adults or how to manage all of this stuff. They know they care and love and are each other’s person but they have such a lot to learn.

So the introduction of Q and the boys... and let me say they’re glorious... feels both beautiful and tragic because they look like they will be accepting and also potentially LGBT+ themselves or maybe Q (I see your gorgeous painted nails, sweetheart and the way you didn’t question Oh saying “partner” for a second)... but also they’re what Oh is using to fill the time he promised to Teh. It’s not Oh’s fault. He deserves friendship and a world of his own too but he was relying so much on the familiarity of Teh and Teh’s presence to keep him grounded and comfortable but he can’t do that all the time. He is trying so hard to be good and thoughtful and kind that he’s not telling Teh the truth. He’s doing what he said he wouldn’t do on the boat, but we can’t blame him in the slightest, he’s the sweetest boy.

I have so much to say but I guess that’ll do for now. I really loved the episode. Yes, it’s different but I think I realise now why it needed to be. In a way I’m kinda of happy about it because ITSAY stays sacred!!!! It stays as that beautifully fraught and emotional indie movie of my heart filled with metaphorical depth. It can’t be touched as far as I’m concerned but with IPYTM it feels just as moving, just as emotional, just as impactful but in a different way that reflects maturity. I don’t think it would have worked if it still felt fraught and characterised by ITSAY vibes. They’re not kids, they’re not insecure about who they are anymore in terms of their sexuality and they are moving into adulthood.

I know it’s going to break me. Episode 1 had me genuinely crying into my tea but I also know that it had the potential for its own special brand of symbolism and meaning. We can already see some special moments which seemed to be saying way more than the words themselves like the speech on light and how we see things and the way Oh even used it himself to see a different perspective at the end. That felt really very meaningful. They’re going to need to be able to see different view points as they navigate what will probably be a shit ton of pain! They will need to adjust to the light, to their circumstances to be able to survive and for their bond to be what is important without allowing other stuff to pass into their line of sight. Oh saw nothing. Empty stage, no Teh, not even himself... he opened his eyes too soon. He needs to learn to adjust and learn how to see the world and his place in it so that when he opens his eyes he sees what he desires and has worked for and made for himself rather than emptiness.

The last thing for me is the chemistry. What more can you say other than they’re perfect? They have the most natural, enigmatic, intense and sweet chemistry. They work so beautifully together. They sell even the smallest of moments and they absolutely destroy with emotion. I just feel every second of Teh and Oh’s emotion and that is such a damn skill. Their talent, man.

So I loved it. I am going to be dreaming tearstained in 80s synth music tonight! I can’t wait for the rest to emotionally destroy me a little more.

#ipytm #i promised you the moon #ipytm thoughts #itsay

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