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tisfan · 4 years

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I’ve been doing a lot of reading recently; between the @bannedtogetherbingo2020 kerfluffle and the BLM protests

(one thing that I’ve been doing recently that seems to annoy the living SHIT out of my fellow White People is correcting “riots” to “protests.”

“Were you near the riots --” “I did not attend the protests, but I did donate to the medical fund for the man who was injured by removal of the statue on High Street.”

This seems to drive people absolutely batshit, and I will continue to do it. These are not riots and if they have similar characteristics with riots it’s because cops are treating everyone not even like criminals, but like hostile enemy forces.)

Mostly what I’ve been reading about is the difficulty that POC fans have in getting their voices heard in fandom. That the history of fandom is primarily the history of White Fandom.

(this is long, so there’s more under the cut - I also tell stories A LOT so brace for personal experience asides)

I’ve been thinking about comments I’ve seen by black and brown fans about trying to get away from racist stories on A03. And trying to figure out if there’s a way to give people what they want -- a way to tag posts/topics/writers/ships on a permanent block list. I know I’ve spoken with several fans who have extensive filter scripts when they go looking for a new read and that shit is EXHAUSTING and doesn’t work necessarily on mobile devices.

I, for instance, have QUITE A LOT of stuff blacklisted on tumblr because I find P*nnyW*se the Creepy Teeth Demon to be horrific and I do not want him on my screen. And the movie’s name is IT for fuck’s sake. I can’t blacklist the word “It” and still expect to see any content at all. So, thinking about how much trouble I had keeping PWCTD off my screen gives me some sympathy to how hard it’s got to be to filter out something that people aren’t even tagging!

I mean, honestly, most of the time that people tag a fic TW: racist, they already KNOW the character is acting in a racist manner and they’re condemning it. When people don’t realize the character is racist, or a word, or a trope is racist (mystical black character, for instance) they don’t tag it as racist because they either don’t know, are unconscious of their own bias, of they don’t care that it’s racist.

In the same manner, Person A who’s writing fic they know is dub-con will tag it, and Person B who thinks stalking someone and climbing in their window at night is romantic will NOT tag the same scenes as dub-con.

Which doesn’t make it any less jarring when I suddenly run into a fic that I would absolutely count as noncon/dubcon that’s not tagged for it. The intentions of the author don’t matter TO ME at that moment, what matters to me is that I’m trying to breathe while the romantic interest on my eReader is saying “aw, that’s so sweet.”

So, there’s multiple questions that come up for me -- I’m not a computer person, so while the A03 code is available for use, I wouldn’t know what to do with it if I tried.

Is there a way to tag something from the outside? An overlay or side program (like an Xkit for A03) that would allow people to permanently blacklist certain tags or authors, tropes, etc? I know there are some hosting sites (unfortunately with ads) that basically funnel stuff from A03 to a reader. There was a big kerfluffle about it at the beginning of the year because OMG, someone is making money off my fanfic! protip, no, they weren’t. they were making money off someone else’s desire for a custom skin. The material itself was never leaving A03, it wasn’t stored anywhere else. A03 does not currently have a phone app and they don’t plan to have a phone app.

So, would it be possible for someone to write a phone-app that did a custom filter for the material. Blacklists are certainly possible, right?

Because here’s the thing; a lot of people who are racist don’t know that they are. Or they don’t care that they are. I have personally had a couple of hard conversations about racism (I’m not even going to call it “unconscious racism” because I am a grown-ass adult capable of reading, so if I act in a racist manner, I’m going to fucking own it. And apologize for it. And try to do better.) in my own work -- whitewashing a character at one point, using a quote from a black woman as a title for a story about Wanda. I’m still not entirely convinced that a Jewish/Romani woman is “white” in any sort of traditional sense. That said, I’m not a POC and I’m going to listen to the person who’s upset because of my usage and not my own feeling of “I don’t really think Wanda counts as white.” This may be partially because WANDA is whitewashed as shit in the MCU and a lot of people in the fandom do not read comics.

That further said, I made the changes as requested and apologized for it in the work/notes. And felt very uncomfortable when some of my white friends said “I’m sorry you had to deal with that.” I’m not sorry I had to deal with it. I wish I hadn’t DONE it, but I am glad that people felt comfortable enough with me to call my on my bullshit and I was able to make corrections and amends.

Still-- All of this boils down to: People are not going to, in good faith, tag their own fic as “don’t read this, I am racist.”

Everything that gets done on A03 -- which is an Archive -- is voluntary by the author. A03′s policies are pretty much “tag to warn” or “tag that you’re NOT tagging to warn.” The only action A03 takes for inappropriate tagging is to ask the author to update the Warning to match, or choose not to warn. If there’s no compliance, A03 will assign the fic “choose not to warn.” But that’s the extend of their policies.

We all know this history; no censorship. Censorship is a slope that leads to fanwork disappearing. Because here’s another fact: it doesn’t matter what the intention is of censoring a story; that censorship is going to be applied badly.

So, if A03 was going to ban racist fic, how long do you think it would take before the reporting system was flooded? Even legit reports of racism are going to take a while to read through, judge, contact the author, wait for possibly updates or retractions, and then removal.

A03′s staff are volunteers, and I understand there aren’t very many of them. There are six MILLION works on A03. No one could hope to read them all with a careful enough eye to catch all instances of harmful texts.

And we all know what’s going to happen: it’s easier to delete all stories that get complaints, rather than read them.

So, Fan A gets Fan C’s fic taken down for racial stereotyping and Fan C tells all of her friends, who go on a crusade to report every single one of Fan Q’s fics in retaliation (not because Fan Q did anything “wrong” but because they happened to post a blog about racial stereotyping in fandom) And we’re right back to strikethru.

Yet, censorship is one of those things that makes me very, very nervous. Do I think a white boy who writes a self-insert rape fantasy novella about violating and murdering Zoe Quinn should be allowed a platform? No, I don’t. (And neither did Amazon, who took it down fairly quickly once it was brought to their attention. But that’s only one case, where there are probably thousands of books that are personal attacks and are left merrily alone.)

There are a lot of books on the banned book list. If people thought they could get away with it, those books would be unpublished, unpersoned, black bagged.

We all know that the rules get applied badly, by the people with the biggest mouths and the loudest complaints. So banning content on A03 does not seem to be the solution.

(Personal story time again, just skip this if you want.)

I came into fandom backward; I was a traditionally published erotica / romance writer first and moved into fandom after the collapse of several small publishing houses for various scandals that I won’t bore you with but you can look here if you want more information.

Several years ago, I was in an anthology that i was Very Proud of, and I really like the editor I worked with, wanted to work with her again. She sent me a premise for submission that left me cold. Which is to say, she wanted to publish cuckolding stories.

[x] <-- warning, that link is REALLY harsh and filled with some real WTF moments, from someone who’s pointing out the racism inherent in the system.

Especially when you consider the Mandingo aspects of the fantasy, it’s easy to see why just the existence of it is repulsive.

I declined the invitation to participate because I was deeply uncomfortable with the subject matter.

I’m not saying that to get praise for my behavior.

Because when the subject came up again about two or three years ago in some fandom discourse, I sided with my friends who were defending “no censorship, no matter what.”

(End of personal aside.)

Despite my personal feelings about the issue (ew, this is icky and racist and horrible and I would never write it) I still believe that I don’t have the right to say what someone else can write, read, or enjoy.

I’m trying to find the path between “this sort of reading material is harmful and I don’t think it should have a platform,” “this should be heavily tagged to avoid upsetting people,” and “there are people who feel that way about gay, non-christian stories as well.” And what’s more, I’m trying to find it in a way that doesn’t stifle authors’ voices.

Even with my idea of an overlay, that’s putting the burden on the people most affected-- someone would have to rate stories as “racist” or “not racist” (and even then, it’s seldom that clear cut. Microaggressions abound.) and the people best capable of doing that would be readers of color. Which hardly seems productive. Or fair.

“Don’t like; don’t read” is often the calling card of fandom writers. I’ve said it myself. That’s what the fucking back button is for. But when I say it, I mean “I don’t want to hear your wank about Tony Stark in my inbox” not “I don’t want to be called out for racism when I wrote a story.”

https://ggmadeit.com/blog/why-i-cant-just-knit-the-story-of-a-black-knitter-during-civil-unrest/ -- I’m including this link because this piece really made me think. I can’t ever put down being a woman. I can’t read or watch horribly misogynistic work without being upset, and I have trouble sitting in the room with my male friends who insist on watching it and want to say “it’s only a movie.”

Being black is part of someone’s life. It can’t be erased just because it’s not convenient. Just because it interrupts your good time. It shouldn’t be put aside because “it’s just a story.”

As fans, we have to do better.

We all know what it’s like to be pushed out, to be made second best, to be asked when we’re going to get a real hobby, when are you going to grow up, why did you spend money on that merch? So we need to reach further.

I don’t have answers. And even if I did, I’m not the one who needs to give them. What I need to do is listen to the people who have answers and HELP THEM get what they need.

We need to do better. We need to BE better.

#writing #fandom #racism in fandom

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curewhimsy · 4 years

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Utane Uta x Soune Taya infodump (Shiro-Sora)

General Chemistry Uta is pretty sarcastic, blunt, and reserved, so it’s an interesting development to see her grow and interact with the pure and shy Taya as they both overcome their shortcomings together. Uta just lost her passion to depression, but that's touched on eventually/later. She's all like "I hate life" but that's because of depression. She also lost her interest in music to depression, but being with Taya and being in a musical school has her slowly regain it. Taya tries to help out Uta and make her smile but... he ends up upsetting her one time... When Taya finds out how depressed Uta really is he starts crying for her and saying "I'm sorry..." and Uta is like "Why are you crying? Nothing is your fault..." And Taya apologizes again and says it's a habit that he feels responsible for his friend's sadness. Uta hugs him. "I haven't been able to cry for years, so I'm a bit jealous..." She says. "But... I still don't want you to cry though... I like to see your smile, ok?" Taya is very polite, and selfless. He's always willing to do favors for people. He speaks in polite language. He bows at many occasions (Even in this universe that takes place in the USA, and not Japan.) He is humble as well. These may seem like quirks or obsessions as first, but it stems from his feeling of obligation to do things for people and "not be a burden," because he had friends and teachers who treated him like a burden before. When his anemia caused him to faint or miss classes, everyone treated him as a burden. When he starts hanging out with Uta, she comments on how he feels like a butler and tells him to loosen up, it's okay to be a bit more relaxed, and selfish even. Well I think the day Uta finally cries and lets out her emotions is when something bad happens to her (fighting with her father perhaps,) but Taya comes and helps and comforts her, then confesses his love for her. And then come the waterworks, from both of them! Other General Background Stuff (including their gender identities and such) Uta Utane is non-binary, and first discovers it at age 20 through Taya, after getting to know him and realizing she is non-binary as well. Uta eventually switches to identifying as demigirl and uses she/her and they/them pronouns. Taya Soune is non-binary (he/him, trans-masculine, lesbian) and discovered his identity at age 14. He is DFAB and had been raised as a girl until then. A lot of his gender identity is still a secret from his parents, even though they know he takes testosterone hormone therapy. (They assume he is a trans man.)

Uta’s mother died when she was 4 years old. This fanfic takes place in the USA, so she is Japanese-American. Uta’s mother loved music and singing, and named her daughter after the Japanese word for song. After Uta’s mother died, her father didn’t take it well. He abandoned all music and began to hate it, because it brought back painful memories of Uta’s mother. Taya is also Japanese-American. His parents named him “Taya” with the intent of giving him an easy name to pronounce and relate to for Americans. Since Taya was designated female at birth, he was also given a name that sounded female to Americans. He still decided to keep the name after transitioning, however.

Taya picked up his habit of politely bowing when he was 15 years old and took a summer trip to Japan for two months. For this trip, he studied Japanese extensively to be able to communicate with the local people. He can speak Japanese at an intermediate skill level because of this. While he was in Japan, he felt that bowing was an expression of utmost politeness and now continues to do it back in the USA out of both out of reflex and courtesy. Uta had never been to Japan. Her father, who abandoned music after Uta’s mother died, never taught Uta the meaning of her name. When Uta was 10 years old, she was mistaken as being named Utah by everyone and was teased for it. So she Googled her name. She learned that it meant “song” in Japanese. She began to learn about Japanese culture, especially pop culture and music, in secret from her father. Quirks and Funny Moments Uta’s catchphrase is “Yare yare...” (“Good grief...”) Taya’s catchphrase is “Is that sou, desu ne?” (“Sou desu ne” is basically “Is that so?” in Japanese. I combined the two. He also tends to mumble “Sou, ne” which means “oh, well,” and alludes to... his last name! Taya is smart and dignified but... very clumsy and naive as well. Uta is badass, but kind of “chaotic dumb” in certain ways. Sometimes she forgets to do her homework while doing her homework. Don’t ask. Taya loves sweets, and his favorite is strawberry shortcake. He is also a good pastry chef... Uta is horrible at cooking! She is so horrible, that she makes things mega-explode! She is so horrible, she needs Taya to cook for her just so she can get by! Taya gets completely drunk after just a few sips of alcohol. When his 21st birthday comes in the story, he has his first drink. He gets drunk almost instantly and becomes a lot less shy. He starts singing drunk karaoke along with an intoxicated Meiko. (The songs Ghost Rule and World is Mine come to mind.) Taya and Momo Momone once got into a rather heated argument over whether strawberries or peaches are better. Uta asked herself why she was surrounded by airheads. Uta buys Taya a strawberry Squishmallow for his birthday. In no time, Taya is able to think of a personality and an extensive backstory for his new plush friend. Uta is... impressed.

One time Taya tried playing Uta’s violin instead of his usual cello. He played an earsplitting tune and ended up breaking the violin. Not only does it just break, it comically explodes into little pieces! Taya wears fancy and posh menswear all the time. To every occasion. Even to sleep. Don’t judge him. Taya is 5’4” but wishes he were at least 5’8”. He has a slight Napoleonic complex, which is somewhat unexpected. It is eventually revealed that Taya started dressing in such an elegant way to make up for his lack of height. Uta reassures Taya that his height is fine. (Once before they started dating, she accidentally slipped out that she thinks Taya is “handsome the way he is” and became flustered. However, Taya didn’t take Uta’s compliment as having any romantic undertones.) Uta’s height is 5’0” and she is rather fine with it. Deep down, she doesn’t want Taya to be tall. She likes Taya just the way he is. “Why did you set me on fire, Uta? Why didn’t you just write your essay?” -Quote from Taya, when Uta didn’t write her essay and ended up setting Taya on fire instead. (Don’t ask.) Their Part-Time Jobs Uta works part time at a hat shop. This is because Uta loves hats. In fact, she is usually never seen without her favorite hat, a black beret. Even when she is wearing a different hat, such as a beanie, she still usually is carrying her beret with her somewhere. Uta’s hat shop is at the mall, in the dimly-lit corner where nobody really goes to. It is a small shop and she is the head of it. The sales at the shop are poor. The place is named “Defoko’s Hats,” after the nickname Miki gave Uta. The nickname Defoko came from now Miki thought Uta was such a “default” type of person the first time she met her, whatever that was supposed to mean. (The word default written in Japanese katakana is pronounced “deforuto.” The first part of “deforuto” was combined with “ko,” a common ending in Japanese girls’ names, to make the nickname Defoko.) Taya works part-time at Denny’s as a waiter. He started working there to pay back the funds it took to fix a window that he broke by crashing through said window like the Kool-Aid man while he was drunk after having only one drink on his 21st birthday. (Because he cannot hold his alcohol.) Taya over-achieves at his job at Denny’s and acts as if he is a waiter in a five-star restaurant. Along with always wearing his posh, elegant clothing to the job, he is very overly-polite and tactful when taking orders, even bowing at times... people have commented that he feels more like a butler than a waiter. Taya also tends to pour the drinks at the table. In fancy teacups. He pours from a fancy kettle into the cup from a high angle. In fact, he pours them from so high, he has to get a ladder. Everyone in the restaurant stares at him. Taya is quite odd, but he does get a lot of tips. And more people have been coming to the restaurant since he had started working there. He isn’t even going for a gimmick however. He is literally just being Taya. The Theatre Club Taya wanted Uta to join the musical theatre club with him. He felt unconfident in himself alone. Taya is somewhat experienced in singing, though he is a complete beginner in the acting aspect of musical theatre. Uta has no interest in theatre, though joins to help out Taya. The biggest reason Taya wanted this is because he had a play he dreamed of acting out with everyone. It’s a play he wrote himself, from his heart. Taya is alone a lot, but he hopes this play can bring him and his schoolmates closer together. This is all Taya asks for. Uta admires his sincerity. However, since Taya is a newcomer, and the other members of the club are well-established, nobody is thinking of considering Taya’s play as their acting source material, even though nobody else’s ideas are really clicking. Given his nature, Taya doesn’t speak up. They only pay attention to him when Uta tells everyone that he’d like to share an idea. The play is… short, and similar to the one in Clannad? Except with… more people… lol. Haven’t thought too hard about the plot yet. However, it has the line, “Take my hand, I’ll take you to a place where miracles happen.” Taya’s character will be the one to say this line. Note: Okay so I thought harder and brought in the lyrics to “Dolls” by Rozenkreuz-P. So it’s basically about a child who felt alone in the world, so he built a mechanical doll to have as a friend, though he had to leave the doll behind one day to depart to “a world beyond ours” AKA death. The doll was left all alone to age and weather. The doll comes to life and is able to move. It becomes able to speak, so it sets out on an adventure, meeting people in the world it was left behind in. The doll helps out many people with its magical power. The doll’s favorite saying is “Take my hand, I’ll take you to a place where miracles happen.” One day, the doll eventually breaks, and is unable to contain the spirit within it. The doll’s spirit is able to reunite with its beloved owner who created it. Also the doll is a genderless character, because well… Taya wrote this. The work is eventually given the name “Fantasia Story,” exactly like Nagisa’s play from Clannad. Taya is playing the role of the doll. In-universe, it is said to have an “otherworldly feel” to it, and even “Wow, did you write this, Taya? That’s incredible…” A few songs are composed and written by the music club for the play, and the only one mentioned by name in the fic will be the solo Taya sings. It’ll be an actual song as well, Dolls by Rozenkreuz-P (feat. Kagamine Rin). Since this fic takes place in the USA… pretend it’s been translated to English or something. I imagine that maybe IA was the one who composed the song in-universe. Friendship Interactions (From when they were still just friends) Taya felt platonic (friendship) love for Uta the moment he first met her. He was lost on the college campus during his first day, and Uta offered to help Taya find where he was going, even though she didn’t know much about the campus herself. Taya immediately sensed that Uta was a good person. Taya wanted Uta to stay longer and talk with him for a while. When Uta went on her way and left Taya after she couldn’t help him, he felt dejected, but he felt so happy and blessed when he met Uta again later in the day and got to become close friends with her. He states the memory of their meeting is enough to make him cry. Taya is very fond of Uta. He sees her as such a wonderful and special person. He cannot stand seeing her hurt or upset, it hurts him as well. Uta grows to be very fond of Taya. The kindness and pureness of Taya’s heart widens Uta’s perspective on life. She is inspired to be someone more like him, who doesn’t harbor harsh feelings in their heart. Uta grows very protective of Taya. In a sense, she becomes willing to do anything for the sake of him, even doing something embarrassing in front of everyone in physics class to take the attention away from Taya sleep-talking in class. As best friends, they open up about their problems to each other and are always willing to be each other’s shoulder to cry on. When their lives take a turn for the stressful, they have each other. Their bond deeps this way. Uta’s crush on Taya began when she saw how confident he became when acting in the play he wrote himself. Also through the story in the play, Uta felt she got to learn so much about what’s in Taya’s heart. Uta began to see Taya as a wonderful, sweet, humble, and charming person. Taya’s crush on Uta started out as a “platonic crush.” It gradually grew into a romantic one. Taya began seeing Uta in a different light when he realized she was not only kind, but very brave and willing to help anyone in need. Once when Taya wasn’t feeling good, he still felt obligated to work and to do Uta favors. Uta told Taya he needed to rest and to take it easy. She attempted to cook chicken and vegetable porridge for Taya but nearly made the kitchen explode... however, by a miracle of friendship (or love?) the actual porridge didn’t turn out so bad. However, that night Taya’s condition worsened and became severe. He needed to go to the emergency room for pneumonia and a blood transfusion (due to anemia.) Taya began to feel like a burden, but Uta reassured him he wasn’t and blamed herself. They then worked out that maybe it was nobody’s fault. This bout of illness happened shortly before Taya was to perform his musical theatre play. Therefore, Taya isn’t in top condition when he performs. However, he still does his best and gives a good performance. Shippy Details and Interactions (From after they became lovers) Taya is a very gentle and affectionate person. Right after he confesses his love to Uta, he is rather chaste about showing his affection out of shyness. But they grow to trust each other more about these feelings. Taya is a huge hugger and loves to cuddle. Uta is gray-romantic, meaning she rarely feels romantic attraction. She seldom felt romantic feelings in her life. She never felt them substantially before meeting Taya, who she considers her first, and really, only love. Uta never thought she would be big with hugging and cuddling, but physical affection with Taya gives her comfort. (DISCLAIMER: I’m not trying to state that people who lack romantic attraction are “broken” or need to be “repaired.” Other types of love, such as platonic or familial love can be just as, or even more meaningful and fulfilling than the romantic kind.) Taya likes singing Uta to sleep. He even recorded his voice softly singing lullabies for Uta to listen to while falling asleep for when he can’t be available to sing for her. Uta thinks this is very sweet of him. Taya likes holding/hugging or clinging to Uta gently as they fall asleep together. Sometimes when Taya is feeling down, Uta does this to Taya and it comforts him greatly. The Emotional Part TW: ABUSIVE PARENT

———

Taya is practicing lines from the short play he wrote himself. He reaches his hand out and says “Take my hand... I’ll take you to a place where miracles happen.” This captures Uta’s heart.

Eventually in the story, something emotional happens. Uta gets in a fight with her father over her college major. Uta has learned to love music again and now truly wants to pursue it. However, Uta’s father still hates music, and hates that his daughter’s name is Uta (meaning “song”), and hates that the family’s name is Utane (“singing sound”.) Uta’s mother died when she was young. Her now single father is distant, abusive, and wants Uta to be a business major.

Things get emotional between them, and even a bit physical. Taya sees the whole thing, and steps in at a certain point as Uta’s father is about to hit his daughter. Uta tells Taya to stop for his own good, not wanting Taya to have to get hurt. Uta grabs Taya by the hand and runs off.

Once away from the scene, Uta then vents to Taya and tells him that life has been terrible because it lost all its meaning... Uta starts sobbing and letting out all her pent-up emotions. Taya hugs her, unable to handle seeing Uta cry, letting tears slide down his own face. After crying and comforting Uta for a bit, Taya says... “Uta, take my hand... I’ll take you to a place where miracles happen...” This time he’s for real. He‘s reaching his hand out to Uta. He‘s trying to comfort her. Both of them are misty-eyed. Uta takes his hand... and smiles at him. “Now, shall we go?” Taya smiles back. “Yes...” They take a walk to the place where they first met... And after a talk about their memories, Taya confesses his love to Uta at the top of the hill under the stars. Uta’s Life, Music, and Singing Uta Utane started out not being a singer. Until she went to Sonare Community College, the music-oriented college the story takes place in, and met Taya, she had never taken a singing lesson in her life. Uta’s late mother used to love singing. Uta herself was exclusively a violinist at first. She started playing the violin in childhood. When she lost her passion for music to depression, she still continued to play the violin simply because she felt she’d come too far to abandon it. Early in the story, Uta went to karaoke with Taya to help themselves come out of their shells a bit and become less shy in performing. Their new acquaintances Ritsu Namine and Ruko Yokune gave very powerful performances of -ERROR and The Lost One’s Weeping, and blew everyone away. Next, shy Taya gave a performance of From Y to Y, and Uta found out that he actually had a really beautiful singing voice. Uta went up on stage next and sang Jitter Doll rather horribly. Her voice was screechy, scratchy, and off-key. It was actually so bad that the microphone started making a weird feedback noise. She became so embarrassed that she stopped in the middle... and confessed with shame that she wasn’t a singer, and that she just came to help out Taya. Everyone cheered Uta on regardless. It was a great feeling, and pushed Uta to want to pursue singing. Uta becomes Taya’s singing partner, and Taya coaches Uta with what he knows about vocals. Within a year, the quality of Uta’s voice develops well. Eventually, Uta is outside with Taya. A mood strikes them and they start singing. Uta is singing a solo part, and suddenly her father comes up. “Uta?” He says. Uta is suddenly revolted by his presence and ready to take Taya’s hand and run away. She hates her dad and was ready for him to say something awful. But rather... “When did you learn to sing like that? You sounded just like your mother. It brought back memories...” Uta’s father is smiling sentimentally? Uta still doesn’t trust him, and neither does Taya, but Uta’s legs somehow just won’t move. “I...” Uta starts to speak. “You know, I realized something.” Uta’s father interrupts. “I should’ve stayed strong for you. I should have let you pursue music if it made you this happy. Your mother may have passed, but... music is where she lives on. How... how have I not realized that she lives on in you...?” Uta’s father suddenly begins sobbing. Uta doesn’t know how to react at first... but Taya pats him on the back. “Dad...” Uta eventually finds the words to say. “It’s okay now. I’m sorry I never realized you felt this way. I’d recommend not bottling these things up. Seek some professional help, okay? The first step to recovering is realizing these things. I promise, things will get better.” Uta’s father never fully redeems himself, but he lets go all his hatred caused by a traumatic past he cannot change and stops burdening his daughter with his harsh feelings. Two years after the beginning of the story, Uta goes back to the same karaoke place where she first sang Jitter Doll horribly. Little does she know, her performance became somewhat infamous there among the workers for being awful. All 46 Vocaloid and UTAU characters featured in the fic will be present in this scene. This will be a party scene, and perhaps nearing the series’ finale. “Hey, isn’t she that one who couldn’t sing?” The staff says upon seeing her. “Yes, and I’m back.” Uta says. “Now let’s turn up the volume in here. I’ll be requesting Jitter Doll.” This time, Uta totally slays every note of the song with great power and technique. She isn’t impeccably skilled yet, but she’s getting there. Applause booms from the group. Uta’s improvement is as clear as day. Not only did Uta’s singing improve within those two years, but so did her life and character. Her personality is now more cheerful and less closed-off, and she managed to overcome depression alongside Taya, becoming much more confident and buoyant in the process. Eventually... (After Story and Epilogue...) Taya plans an event on the hill where he and Uta first met. It’s a formal evening cookout with a lot of karaoke. In the place where they first met, Taya proposes marriage to Uta on a day in April. They are 24 years old. Their honeymoon is in Tokyo that June. Two months after the honeymoon, in August, they have their wedding and get married. Three years later at age 27, the two adopt their first child, a baby girl they name Sonata.

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freakbullet · 4 years

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Guess who? Yep, it's me, fanfic anon, here again with... actually not a question. Just here to let you know that I just about died when you mentioned drawing something from the fic — my fic??? Is somewhag canon??? Sdhjsnsjfkd :D — and that I plan to write more as soon as the paper will cooperate with me. You mentioned having some troubles with writing stuff out that you wanted to in the notes, so if you've got any rough ideas you could always shoot them my way! No promises for (1/2)

ashfjfk what can I say, you’ve inspired me anew c:> you have a really good sense of the characters and vibe - and in the fic notes you mentioned never really getting into AUs so that might bleed into the writing - and I LOVE that. (also I take it as a huge compliment lmao)

I never even meant to make an AU when I started; it just was supposed to be an answer to my own question of “what would a PERFECT ending look like?”, which is when I started developing Sasster, and then it spiraled out of control from there :p but canon UT will always be my one true love too.

on that note, I really need to come up with a name for it lmao, at this point it’s no longer underfell (which I only just recently learned is actually the creation of one person?? this whole time I thought it was just like a general loosely-defined fandom thing... I owe them an apology for appropriating their work hdsjhfh, they are super cool and I have mad respect) but I digress

thank you so much for offering to help write some stuff out for me <3 there are a lot of unfinished (and unposted) short comics I have lying around that cover certain events, but who knows if they’ll ever get finished and frankly you’d write them hella well so... I may have to take you up on it haha

shfjfj how many layers of fanception are you on? 1? you are like little baby. watch this: Fan³

Igon is just a little faceless blur (with claws because CLAWS) in a lab coat in the like 2 doodles I’ve done, but if you have any ideas for them, even vague ones, lemme know! I’d love to help with their design if that’s something you’re interested in

aaa don’t worry about anything being OOC, as long as you’re having fun that’s all that matters ;w; I admire your dedication though, it’s really thoughtful of you to wanna make it so accurate, but again please don’t let that get in the way if it starts to become a drag!

and yeah that’s still canon! being that he’s an aberration who was at one time Sasster, they share the same base “coding” - but he’s become so warped and evolved that the two of them might as well be different species now. not to make this post even longer lmao but it’s probably relevant: they’re both a specific type of monster (undead for lack of a better term) that are natural energy vampires and can absorb pretty much any soulstuff no problem. but because G has become such an abnormality, basically existing by sheer force of will, his physical body is much more susceptible to interference. Sasster wouldn’t have that issue though :V

(you’re totally good btw! I’m still just like really floored by your writing and by your interest in all this lol, it feels really nice to talk about it again so thanks for giving me all these excuses to ramble lmao <3)

#sorry this is a lil disjointed i was reading over the fic and notes again and got my brain wires crossed jdghgj #anyway #burned out? hunny im inspired #thank you ilu and i hope youre having a good week #dont push yourself too hard i know how stressful that can be!#fanfic anon #answered #mr g #sasster #unnamed au

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ragedaisy · 4 years

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ugh I'm in one of those "all my stuff sucks and I don't know how to fix it" phases, going through all my unfinished stories and then working on none of them.

I know it doesn't actually suck, but I don't know how to fix it either :/

here’s my list:

“yeah seriously what the heck Catalyst" (working title) needs an ending. And a better title probably. The whole point of it is that no, for once we’re not doing the shenanigans thing. This social powder keg will not explode just so Catalyst doesn’t have to deal with what he’s done. But there still has to be stuff that happens and right now I don’t know what will happen?

“3 flowers for cash” the intro has story beats similar to one of my fav fanfics and I don’t know if that is a problem. There are also some dialogue scenes I need to either write or summarize, 3 different versions of an expository scene I’m stuck on (and I’m not happy with any of them), and the action scenes could use an overhaul because they’re clunky. But I want this story to be done so much because it’s going to be amazing eventually

“Parasocial relationships” mostly only has dialogue right now and I’m quickly running into the he problem, but using their names or descriptions every time gets clunky. If you think “the blonde man tried“ is bad, how about “the micro trencher tried”. I don’t know. Maybe I’m overthinking this.

“Periapsis” has lots of nifty scenes and dialogue, tons of research, and so many easter eggs, and I know where it’s going, but there are holes in between the scenes that I don’t know how to fill, plus I’ve since rethought a bunch of the events that led to this story and I don’t know how to fix it now :/

“ 'if-EMerald” is... going... Quite a lot of it is written out, there are some to do lists, some decisions on which characters to include, but not going to lie, this will be tough to write, because reasons.

“Roadster” I mostly know the events and have made a to do list, still a lot of writing to be done. Funny how I know so many stories about this character but have written so few of them out.

“New Ways of Thinking” is very close to being done, like maybe some grammar tweaks and a little bit of editing, but what I am mostly stuck on is a generic ‘warning: art crimes’ text and what tags to use, because yikes. (The ‘warning: art crimes’ text needs to be done before I can post most of the other stories too, come to think of it)

“A favour to Tuner ” needs some descriptions and a bit more dialogue. It’s not going to be a long story

“Undercurrent and Tuner” (working title) started out from an old old fic. Needs a lot of rewriting. And a proper title. Don’t feel like working on it right now, because poor Tuner T_T

“Effigy” if this tragic bit character from someone else’s fanfic still wants me to write about him and his sad circumstances, he should maybe be more proactive about it ;p

“The invitation” I know where I want this story to go, but right now it is only a to do list

“So a cat walks into a fuel station like she owns the place” Clearcat actually doing her official job as a messenger and spy, for once? Wonders never cease. This story is mostly just some ideas. Ties into an unfinished comic I started working on in 2007(?)... I really want these characters to interact, I think they’d get along :).

“Root cause analysis” Artist parties! Disguises! Justice! (I haven’t actually started writing this one yet, but I do look forward to it. Catalyst is not in this one, shocking, I know!)

“Tuner and Shadechord hanging out?” (working title) I want to write about what these two were like in happier times. Lots of ideas, not much written

“Unnerved Shadechord” (working title) Shadechord meets Catalyst and is a bit freaked out, actually. I can’t write this until I have a good song for it 9_9 what’s a good song for “my best friend has been replaced by a creepy amoral person”?

there are a few more stories but mostly those are just a title and an idea

#writing #writing woes

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s-oulpunk · 5 years

Text

Vendetta (1/3) - Stenbrough

Summary: All Bill really wants is a shoulder to cry on. All he really wants is for someone to tell him it’s going to be alright. Robert has never let him down in that regard.

Bill hasn't been the same since his brother's disappearance, and the only man that seems to understand him is Robert "Bob" Gray. It doesn't matter that he's three times his age, Bill craves that understanding. He craves for someone to look him in the eye and tell him that everything's going to be okay. Unfortunately, there's always a price to pay, and Georgie was only the beginning.

TW: Violence, Manipulation, Non-Con, Kidnapping

Notes: This is a lot darker than my other fics, and, basically, I am so sorry. The non-con stuff isn’t super graphic, but it is there so please be careful.

There are three parts to this fic. I promise I will post them all, but updates will be slow. All the chapters are really long and I’m busy with a lot of other things, so it takes me awhile to finish.

Also while this is technically a Stenbrough fanfic, their relationship isn’t the main focus of the fic. It carries a lot of the plot but, overall, the fic is about Bill’s journey.

Read on AO3

Part One:

The Disappearance Of Georgie Denbrough:

Georgie Denbrough has been missing for half a year when Robert Gray shows up. He just waltzes into Bill’s life, with a charming smile and sympathetic eyes that tell stories Bill can’t quite understand yet. If Bill stares into them long enough, he thinks he can start to see pieces of some of those stories. And they chill him to the bone.

He doesn’t know why. He doesn’t know what exactly the stories are (and a part of him doesn’t know if he will ever want to), but Bill doesn’t need to know to feel the chill that runs down his back.

Robert Gray’s eyes are haunting.

And yet the rest of him is friendly enough, so Bill tries to not let himself worry over his eyes too much. Instead he focuses on the warmth of Robert’s hand on his shoulder, on the way he smiles so wide it nearly splits his face in half, on the kind words he utters when Bill comes to him sobbing at odd hours of the day.

His friends don’t see it that way.

They see Robert and they see, to put it plainly, a creep who jumped at the opportunity to spend time with a bunch of fifteen year olds. And they have no qualms about letting Bill know about their true feelings.

“You’re gonna get fucking murdered, Bill,” Eddie had said a few days after Robert’s first appearance. “You’re gonna get kidnapped and raped and then you’re gonna get murdered, is that what you want? They’re gonna find your body in the basement of some creepy old house or, or, or deep in the woods or, like, in his bedroom. And your skin’s gonna be all gross and decaying. Or, fuck, what if he’s like some crazy cannibal? They’re gonna find you with chunks of flesh missing and an eyeball in a martini glass and he’ll be making some kind of crazy, fucked up, dinner using your insides - Fuck, Bill! Is that what you want?”

Bill thinks Eddie has quite the imagination.

All Bill really wants is a shoulder to cry on. All he really wants is for someone to tell him it’s going to be alright. Robert has never let him down in that regard.

“He’s a guh-good guy,” Bill had told Eddie. “You jj-juh-just have to give him a chance.”

Eddie had merely scoffed and told Bill he would never, ever let Robert Gray get close enough to do that.

Bill thinks that’s a tad bit unfair, but Eddie refuses to budge.

Sometimes, when Bill looks into Robert’s eyes, he can see why. But those moments are fleeting. They’re only a few seconds of gut twisting, vomit inducing anxiety before he remembers who he’s talking to and he’s overrun with unshakeable guilt.

In the weeks since, his friends still haven’t come around. But they will eventually, Bill’s sure of it.

As of currently, they’re crowded into the clubhouse. Richie and Eddie are curled up together in the hammock, lost in their own little world. Bev is smoking by the open trapdoor. Ben and Mike have combined efforts to put various posters and photos on the walls. And Bill is sitting in the far corner, softly murmuring his latest story and trying very hard not to think about the fact that Stan is sitting so close he might as well be on his lap.

Stan doesn’t say a word throughout the story. Instead he listens attentively, like Bill’s thoughts are worth paying attention to. It makes Bill’s heart melt just a little bit.

When he finishes, he puts the notebook down gently, and turns to stare curiously at Stan. “So?”

“I didn’t like the ending,” is all Stan says.

“That’s ww-wh-what you said about my last one!” Bill exclaims.

“It’s too sad,” Stan says. “Sean never gets to go back home. All his friends and family are looking for him, and he’s stuck trapped in his own head forever.”

“Robert luh-luh-liked it.”

Stan scoffs loudly. “Do I look like Robert to you?”

This, admittedly, does earn a chuckle from Bill.

“Just because it’s ss-suh-sad doesn’t mean that it’s not good.”

“But Sean deserves to be happy, don’t you think?”

Bill considers this for a moment. Then, “Nope!” he says, popping the P.

“Why not?” Stan asks, lurching backwards to stare at him incredulously.

“Because I mmm-muh-made him,” Bill says. “And, therefore, I can dd-do whatever I want with him.”

Stan hums softly because, technically, this is true, but, “Why don’t you use your power for good?”

There’s a beat of silence.

“That rr-ruh-rarely happens in real life,” Bill murmurs.

It’s so much sadder than their previous conversation, and much more serious. Bill almost feels bad saying it. But it’s true. People are rarely happy in real life, and if there is someone in the sky looking out for them, they sure as hell aren’t changing their ending to please their friend. Even if said friend is cute as a button.

“I guess so,” whispers Stan. “But don’t you wish it did?”

“Yeah.” Bill does. All the time. “Sometimes.”

Stan shuffles closer, tucking his head between Bill’s shoulder and neck. Bill tries to ignore the heat that sprouts there, spilling through his veins and out to the rest of his body, making him tingly all over. But he can’t. As soon as it gets his attention, he’s gone. The clubhouse disappears, replaced by Stan and the warmth that fills his veins.

“I think you’re gonna be alright,” Stan says. “Whoever’s writing your ending is looking out for you.”

Bill fiddles nervously with the corner of his notebook. “Robert thinks we mmm-muh-might still be able to find jj-juh-juh-Georgie.”

“I...Yeah. Maybe.”

Stan looks so defeated. Like he knows Bill won’t listen to whatever he has to say. Which, in all honesty, he probably wouldn’t. But that doesn’t make Bill feel any less guilty.

“Are you still looking for him?” Stan asks. But he knows the answer.

“Yeah,” Bill says. “Robert usually huh-helps me.”

“That’s nice of him.”

“Mhm. We’re supposed to go ll-luh-look down by the barrens later today.”

“Oh.”

Bill can feel Stan stiffen beside him. He’s got his legs pulled up to his chest, arms wrapped securely around his knees, and Bill’s sure that, if he were wearing shorts, his fingernails would be digging into his skin, judging by how tightly he’s gripping his knees.

“Robert?” The intrusion, while Bill loves all his friends, is unwelcomed. These moments with Stan feel intimate. Special. Richie doesn’t get to interrupt just because he overhears something he doesn’t like. “You’re still talking to that freak?” He’s swinging slowly in the hammock, a worn out comic in one hand, Eddie wrapped securely in the other. But he’s not paying attention to either. Instead he’s got his gaze fixed on Bill, his glasses making his infuriated eyes seem 12x bigger.

Bill rolls his eyes. “He’s not that bad, Rich.”

“Not that bad?” Richie says. “Eds, did you hear that? Robert’s not that bad! Not at all! We better shout this from the rooftops. Hey, Losers! Robert’s not that bad!”

“Sh-Sh-Shut up, Richie,” Bill groans.

“We’re just worried,” Bev says. She flicks some of the cigarette ash onto the ground. “You can’t blame us for that.”

It’s true, he can’t, but, “Yuh-You don’t have anything to be worried about.”

Bev hums softly. She clearly doesn’t believe him. It infuriates Bill a little bit, but he wills those emotions away. These are his friends, of course they would be worried.

Stan must sense another quarrell coming on, he’s got a fifth sense for that kind of stuff, because he gently taps Bill’s knee and murmurs, “Write me another story.”

And who is Bill to argue?

Bill doesn’t like the barrens. He had been so hopeful when he first started searching here, so sure he would find clues. Subconsciously he had hoped he would find Georgie just sitting there, patiently waiting for his big brother to find him.

But he never did.

And now the barrens represent that failure, that loss. He doesn't know if he’ll ever be able to step foot in them again without remembering the brother who didn’t come home. And yet he’s still down here constantly, still searching for possible clues. He still never finds any.

“This is useless,” Bill hisses. “Hh-huh-he’s not down here. He’s not-” He sniffs harshly. He can already feel the tears stinging at his eyes. “This is sss-stuh-stupid. Dad’s ruh-ruh-right, he’s-” Bill grits his teeth. He can’t afford to think like that. “We need to look somewhere else. If he ww-wuh-was here, he’s not anymore.”

Robert glances at him curiously. “Where do you want to look?”

“I-” Bill doesn’t have an answer. Because he’s looked, quite literally, everywhere. He’s searched every inch of this god forsaken town, then searched it again, and again, and again. There’s nowhere else to look. “Maybe he got ll-luh-lost. In the woods. Maybe we jj-juh-just have to look harder.”

It’s pathetic, really.

On some level, Bill knows Georgie isn’t in the woods. He knows he isn’t anywhere. No seven year old can survive for half a year on their own. And yet he can’t admit it, even to himself.

“We’ve checked the woods, kid,” Robert says with a heavy sigh.

“But - But -” Oh, nononono, Robert’s giving up on him too. The one person who didn’t judge him, and now he thinks he’s gone crazy as well. Not that Bill can really blame him. Sometimes he wonders about his own sanity. “We haven’t looked that dd-deep.” Bill knows he sounds desperate, but he can’t stop it. “Maybe - Maybe we’ll ff-fuh-find something.” Before Robert can respond, because Bill knows that look in his eye, knows he won’t be getting the answer he wants, he hurriedly adds, “I can do something for you.”

That catches Robert’s attention. It always does.

He hesitates, and for a moment Bill worries his answer isn’t going to change. But then he says, “Alright, get in the truck,” and Bill doesn’t think he’s heard a better suggestion in all of his life.

He practically runs to the truck. Not that it matters. He still has to wait for Robert to open it, because he has, like, a million locks on the damned thing.

Robert unlocks it with a chuckle, like Bill’s a child who just asked the sugariest cereal at the grocery store.

“Okay,” Bill says, as soon as they’re both seated. “I think we sh-sh-should check past the town limits. We huh-haven’t looked-”

“Bill.” Robert chuckles again. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

Bill’s heart sinks to the bottom of his stomach. “Nn-Nuh-Now?”

Robert looks at him pointedly. “There won’t be time afterwards.”

Which, Bill supposes is true. Once he starts looking, he doesn’t stop until he can’t see two feet in front of him. Even then, oftentimes he has to be dragged away.

But he hates this part. It makes him feel weird, like there’s dirt trapped under his skin that he can’t dig out. Being able to wait a few more hours would be nice. Nevertheless, a deal’s a deal.

“Alright,” he murmurs. “Yuh-Yeah, okay. Just-” Maneuvering himself into the right position is, admittedly, harder than it looks. The truck is cramped and by the time Bill manages to find a semi-comfortable position, Robert’s already growing impatient.

Bill’s barely managed to get Robert’s belt open before calloused fingers are grasping at his hair, pushing him down, down, down until air has become a precious resource. Luckily, Bill doesn’t have to do too much work this time. This happens sometimes, if Robert gets too rowdy too fast. He’ll take control of Bill’s actions, ignoring if he gags or if his face turns purple, forcing him to go as fast or as slow as he wants.

As much as Bill hates having to work hard at something that is, admittedly, disgusting - not that he’d ever dare say that to Robert’s face - having Robert control him is always so much worse. Bill’s sure Robert wouldn’t ever hurt him, but it’s clear in moments like these who has the control. If something went wrong, Bill wouldn’t be able to get away. He can’t move an inch.

But he shouldn’t be worrying about that. Because nothing’s going to go wrong. Besides, Robert’s doing so much for him, this is the least he could do.

It seems to take forever before Robert’s finished. But once he is, Bill jumps back, cheeks still puffed wide like a hamster. This is the worst part, he thinks. And the longer he waits, the worse it is, but he can’t get himself to take that last fucking step.

“Good?” Robert purrs. Bill nods, even though he wishes the ground would swallow him whole, because what the fuck else is he supposed to do? “You look so pretty like this.” Bill wants to cry. Which is a stupid fucking reaction. Who cries after - after - after that? “C’mon.” Robert’s got a hand on his cheek, thumb gently brushing the bone. “I know you can do it.” And, God, Bill just wants him to stop talking. So he does it. He swallows as quickly as he can, fighting his instinct to gag it all back up. “Good boy.”

Bill turns quickly, forcing Robert’s hand to slip off his face. “Can ww-wuh-we go nuh-now?” he asks. He stares straight ahead as Robert starts the car. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t mean anything. He’s still fine. He’s still good. He’s still redeemable.

The next day, things are not better.

They didn’t find anything relating to Georgie, the Losers still think Robert’s a creep, and, to make it all worse, Bill’s throat feels like it’s on fire.

“You don’t sound too good, Billy,” Eddie says. “You might be getting sick.”

Bill hums softly. “Mm-Maybe-” he winces at how rough his voice sounds. “-Maybe I sh-sh-should go home.”

“Just rest here,” Stan suggests. “You can stay in my bed.”

“I - I don’t wanna get you ss-suh-sick.”

Stan shrugs. “It’s fine, I can change the sheets. I know how to do laundry.” Richie wolf whistles from across the room. “Oh, fuck off!”

“We can make you soup,” Eddie says. He’s already gathering the ingredients, so Bill supposes there’s no point in arguing.

He drags his feet up to Stan’s room, ignoring the growing pit in his stomach. He should just tell them the truth. It’s not that big of a deal, right?

It’s not until he’s curled up in bed that he notices Bev standing in the doorway.

“I know you’re not sick,” she says.

“I am,” Bill insists. “Doctor E-Eddie said suh-so.”

Bev gently shuts the door behind her. “Doctor Eddie’s also never had his throat fucked before.”

Bill winces. “That’s nuh-not what happened.”

“Don’t play dumb with me,” she hisses. “I’m not an idiot. You have to stop doing this.”

“I’m not doing ah-anything wrong!”

“You protected me from my dad, you think I’m not gonna do the same for you?”

“It’s not th-th-the same. Wuh-We’re just friends, Bevvy.”

“He is not your friend, William.” Bev regards him warily. “I won’t tell the others. But I think you should really think about your so-called friendship with Robert.” Bev turns to re-open the door. At the last minute, she turns back to face Bill. “Stan wants to know if you’re staying over. Ya know, parents out of town. Losers sleepover.”

Bill nods. “Pp-Pruh-Probably.”

Bev smiles softly. “Cool. And think about it, Bill. Alright? We really do want to help.”

And then she’s gone, leaving Bill alone with his thoughts.

The worst part of the conversation is that Bill remembers having the same talk with Bev a little less than a year ago. Their places had been reversed then. Bill had dragged her away from the prying eyes of the rest of the Losers and begged and begged until she broke. She told him everything that night. And he held her through all of it, clutching her to his chest as Beverly Marsh, perhaps the strongest of them all, sobbed into his shoulder.

The memory is still raw, and not one he’s willing to share with anyone. She told the rest of the Losers the next day, but that night had been something private. Something that wasn’t meant to be shared.

It had been one of the most terrifying nights of Bill’s life. Second only to realizing Georgie wasn’t coming home.

The thought almost makes him chase after her, almost makes him tell her everything.

Except it’s not the same. Because nothing’s wrong.

Robert’s not his father. Robert’s his friend. He holds him when he cries, and listens to him when he needs to talk about Georgie again and again and again, and takes him wherever he wants to look for his baby brother, even if he knows they won’t find anything.

He’s sure if he explained that, she would understand. He didn’t understand either at first. But, “It’s just like a trade,” Robert had told him. “Remember how I drove you to town limits? I even bought you lunch afterwards. I do so much for you.” Which, admittedly, is true.

It’s not like Robert’s holding him down or ripping his clothes off. Bill goes willingly, even if he cries afterwards sometimes. But Robert says that’s normal.

“Knock, knock.” Stan’s standing in the doorway now, a piping hot bowl of chicken noodle soup in his hands. “Eddie’s insistent that this will cure you.”

“Mmm. Doctor’s oh-orders,” Bill says, making grabby hands at the bowl.

“Doctor’s orders,” Stan repeats, a fond smile on his face.

He closes the door gingerly behind him before crossing to sit on the edge of the bed, soup balanced carefully on his lap.

Bill looks forward to these moments with Stan. These quiet, intimate moments where it feels like anything is possible. It’s these moments that make him think maybe this godforsaken town is wrong, and the way he feels about his friend is okay. It’s these moments that make him think maybe Stan feels it too.

“Are you gg-guh-gonna spoon feed me soup?” Bill asks as he fumbles to sit upright.

Stan just shrugs. “I mean, you’re sick.”

Bill nods gravely. “Deathly ill.”

That makes Stan crack a smile, but he quickly ducks his head in an attempt to hide it from Bill’s prying eyes. Bill sees it though, and it warms his heart far more than the soup ever could.

“Alright,” Stan murmurs. “Open wide.”

The soup, to put it lightly, is not good.

Out of all the Losers, Mike and Ben are probably the best cooks. But judging by how anal retentive Eddie is, Bill has no doubt that he refused their help. He can practically see him, in his head, shooing away his friends as Ben desperately tries to salt the slowly warming broth.

He doesn’t say a word, but Stan must notice the way Bill’s face contorts as he tries to force the soup down because he murmurs a quiet, “Sorry. Eddie thought adding anything else would take away from its quote unquote healing properties.”

Stan’s always been able to read him like a book. All the Losers are close, but something’s special about his friendship with Stan. Bill’s never had to say a word for him to know exactly what he’s thinking.

“Ff-Fuh-Figures,” Bill says.

“He just worries about you,” Stan says.

“He sh-shouldn’t have to. That’s not his jj-juh-job.”

Stan shrugs. “You would do the same for him.”

Bill doesn’t answer, because he knows it’s true.

At around 1 in the morning, Bill decides he can’t stay over any longer.

He’s got the bed to himself, on account of him being “sick,” but the rest of the Losers are spread unceremoniously across the floor. He has to tiptoe over their sleeping bodies, nearly tripping over Mike’s legs, to get to the door. And, of course, Richie and Eddie are cuddled up directly against it. He nudges them away with the top of his foot until there’s enough distance for him to slip out, which he does as quickly as possible.

He grabs the phone in the kitchen, which he’s sure is far enough away that it won’t wake the others, and quickly punches in the numbers swimming through his head.

The phone rings once, twice, three times. Enough that he thinks maybe he won’t pick up. But right as he’s about to hang up, a quiet voice rumbles through his ear, “Hello?”

“Robert!” he chirps.

“Billy? What the hell are you doing up at this hour?”

Bill gnaws nervously on his lower lip. Of course Robert’s asleep, he should’ve remembered that tiny detail.

“Sorry,” he says. “I shouldn’t huh-have woken you.”

“It’s alright, kid,” Robert says. “I’m up now. What do you need?”

“Can you pick me up?” Bill asks, before he can talk himself out of it.

“Sure,” Robert says through a yawn. “You at your house?”

“I’m at mm-muh-my friend’s house,” Bill says. “Hang on, I’ll guh-get you the address.”

Once he’s sure Robert’s going to come, he sets about writing a note for the Losers. He knows there’s pen and paper back in Stan’s room, but it’s too risky going back there, so he settles for digging through the office until he finds what he needs.

He’s halfway through said note when a soft noise startles him. He whips around, half expecting to come face to face with a knife-wielding murderer. But it’s just Stan.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

He’s blinking sleepily, obviously barely staying awake, and his hair is sticking up in all directions. His pajamas are a little too big on him, which is a sudden change from the Stanley that refuses to wear anything unless it fits just right. It’s suddenly too difficult to not imagine Stan in one of Bill’s oversized flannels.

It’s all so overwhelming that Bill nearly forgets to respond.

“What’s that?” Stan asks again, gesturing weakly to the pen in Bill’s hand.

“I - Uh - I’m guh-gonna go,” Bill says. “I just - I dd-duh-didn’t want you to freak out in the morning.”

Stan cocks his head curiously, and it’s so cute that Bill nearly calls Robert to tell him he’s changed his mind. “You’re leaving?”

“Yeah,” Bill murmurs. “I’m ss-sorry. I don’t wanna get you guys sick.”

A more honest man would have told Stan that he’s terrified of facing Bev’s wrath again tomorrow. But Bill never claimed to be an honest man.

“Is your dad picking you up?” Stan asks.

“I - Um - I called Robert.”

That makes Stan pause. “You gave Robert my address?”

“How else is he gonna puh-pick me up?” It’s a lame argument, but it’s all Bill’s got.

Stan seems to be at a loss for words too, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. “But - But - Why - I don’t want-”

“It’s ff-fuh-fine, Stan,” Bill assures him. “He’s not even gonna come inside.”

“I don’t know if that defines fine,” Stan grumbles.

Robert pulls up less than a minute later.

Bill scrambles to give Stan a hug before rushing outside to meet him. The summer air keeps most of the cold at bay, but it’s still fairly chilly, so Bill throws himself into the car as quickly as he can.

“Th-Thanks,” Bill says.

“Don’t mention it,” Robert says. He sounds much more awake now than over the phone. “You alright?”

“Mhm,” Bill says. “Jj-Juh-Just had to get out of there.” It’s then that Bill realizes the street they’re on doesn’t go to his house. “Wh-Where are we going?”

“Back to my place,” Robert says. “Figured we might as well just rest there. That alright?”

Bill figures that sounds reasonable enough. “Yeah. Th-That’s alright.”

In all honesty, it is fine. What’s Bill gonna do at home? Sit and stare at his ceiling all night and then not talk to his parents the next morning because they don’t care what happens to him? Sounds fun, but he’ll have to pass.

Bill’s never been to Robert’s apartment before. It’s smaller than he expected, but nice nonetheless. It has a cute little kitchen, a big, comfy couch directly across from an old TV, and huge, open windows. It’s normal. Almost overwhelmingly normal.

Bill almost wants to call his friends and tell them as much. “He’s not a psychopath,” he would say. “What kind of psychopath lives in a normal apartment?”

Psychopaths live in old, run down, abandoned houses in the middle of nowhere. Friendly people who are absolutely nothing like Beverly’s father live in normal apartments.

“You have a nuh-nice apartment,” Bill says, politely.

Robert chuckles lowly. “Thank you.”

Then a hand is being placed on the small of Bill’s back and he’s being pushed farther and farther into the apartment until he collapses into the big, comfy couch. Robert sits next to him, a single casual hand on his shoulder.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Bill shrugs. “It’s not a bb-big deal. They just...They don’t understand. Ss-Suh-Sometimes it’s hard to be around them.”

It’s not completely true. They’ve lost people before. Eddie lost his father. Mike lost his parents. Stan lost his grandmother just a month or two ago.

But it’s not the same. Because none of them were responsible for that loss.

Robert nods and pulls Bill closer to him, tucking him against his side.

“People who haven’t been through what you have, they’ll never understand,” Robert says. “They don’t know what it’s like to lose someone like that. The bond between siblings is something special, and tearing it apart is one of the most painful things one could do.”

Bill sniffles quietly and shuffles closer to Robert’s side, burying his face in his shoulder. “I muh-muh-miss hh-him.”

“I know,” Robert coos. A gentle hand cards through Bill’s hair. “I know you do.”

“Duh-Does it even get easier?” Bill asks, voice muffled through the fabric of Robert’s T-Shirt.

Robert sighs heavily. “I’m gonna be honest with you kid, not really.” He chuckles softly at the whine Bill lets out. “I know, I know. But you learn to live with it. I miss my brother every day, it’s just a part of my life now.”

Bill twists around to stare up at Robert with wide, starry eyes. “Wh-What was your brother like?”

“Maturin was the sweetest soul I’ve ever known. He always put others before himself, always made sure everyone else was happy. He would give up everything if it just meant I would crack a smile.” He offers Bill perhaps the saddest smile he’s ever seen. “The best of us are truly the ones we lose too soon.”

Bill nods mutely. Georgie was truly the best of the Denbrough family. He was always willing to help out however he could, even as young as he was, and was always happiest whenever everyone else was happy. It almost pains Bill to hear someone else described as the “sweetest soul.”

“I’m - I might guh-go to bed,” Bill mutters. “I’m - I’m pp-pruh-pretty tired.”

“Great idea,” Robert says. As if on cue, he lets out a loud yawn.

“Do you huh-have some blankets I could borrow?”

“Yeah, sure,” Robert says. He makes a show of walking towards the linen cabinet before stopping and turning back towards Bill. “Ya know, why don’t you just sleep in my bed tonight.”

Bev’s words ring out through Bill’s head. He forces himself to keep eye contact. “Why?”

Robert shrugs. “I’m tired, you’re tired, and it’ll take awhile to make up the couch. The bed’s big enough” When Bill still hesitates, he sighs heavily. “Billy, have I ever hurt you before?” Bill shakes his head. “Then what’s the big deal?”

Bill pauses for only a split-second.

“No big deal.”

He follows Robert into the bedroom.

The next time Bill sees Stan, it’s just the two of them.

They’re lounging on Bill’s bed, Bill furiously scribbling into a notebook as Stan watches over the top of his book. It’s peaceful, just being with Stan like this. Something as simple as his presence has always done wonders for Bill’s nerves.

“What are you writing?” Stan asks.

“Re-writing th-the ending,” Bill says. His voice is slow and distracted, but Stan doesn’t seem to mind. He puts down his current book and shuffles closer, peering curiously over Bill’s shoulder.

“The one you let me read at the clubhouse?”

“Mhm.”

Stan lets out a little huff. “How are you torturing poor Sean now?”

Bill finally tears his gaze away from the notebook, instead fixing Stan with an affronted stare.

“I’m nuh-not torturing him!” he insists. “I’m trying to write a hh-happier ending.”

Bill doesn’t know why, but it’s embarrassing to admit. He feels like he’s just revealed some deep, dark secret. But Stan’s smiling, grinning almost infectiously wide, so Bill can’t be too hard on himself. He’s always liked making Stan smile.

“Really?”

He sounds so excited. Bill thinks it’s kind of dumb. He’s half tempted to remind him that, hey, Sean isn’t actually real. He’s just a clump of words on a piece of paper. But Stan looks so unbelievably happy, Bill can’t possibly take that away from him.

“Jj-Juh-Just for you,” Bill says.

It makes Stan smile softly, like he can’t really believe it. “For me?” Bill nods. “I wrote it ff-for you, I can’t give it an eh-ending you don’t like.”

Stan scrunches up his nose, a key sign that he’s deep in thought. It’s cute, and it kind of makes Bill want to kiss him.

“I want Sean to kiss Suzie,” he says finally.

Bill groans loudly. “That’s so mm-muh-much extra work! Now I have to ah-add in a whole romance-”

“What about Jacob?” Stan says the words so quickly that Bill’s almost positive he’d imagined them. But Stan is red-faced and rigid, and that’s all it takes for Bill to know that the words he heard were very much real. “Would that - Would that be okay?”

Bill blinks slowly. Would that be okay? He thinks so. But how would he explain that to his mother if, God forbid, she ever stumbled upon this story?

“Bill?” Stan sounds so small, and when Bill snaps out of his thoughts he can see a sense of terror in Stan’s eyes that he’s never seen before.

“Yeah,” Bill murmurs. “Yeah, that’d be okay.”

Stan doesn’t say anything as Bill continues to write, but he watches him like a hawk. It’s like he’s afraid Bill will change his mind the moment he turns his back. Like he’s scared Bill will retaliate, and that it won’t be unlike the insults Bowers and his goons usually throw at him. The fact that Stan even thinks that makes Bill hot with shame.

“Sean’s buh-better with Jacob, anyway,” he says, just to quell Stan’s worries.

Stan still doesn’t answer, but he does shuffle a bit closer.

By the time Bill finishes the story, Stan looks like he’s ready to implode. It’s about five pages longer than it was originally supposed to be, he still needed to add basically a whole other storyline to make the romance work, but Stan still reads it diligently.

“It’s cute,” he says softly, once he’s finished.

“You like it?”

Stan nods. “Better than the old ending.”

That makes Bill beam, because all he ever really wants is Stan’s approval.

“Look,” Stan murmurs, setting the notebook down gently beside him. He handles it with care, like it’s something worth worrying about. “I’m really sorry I made you do that. I didn’t - I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“I ww-wuh-wasn’t uncomfortable!” Bill insists. “It was a guh-good idea, it was cute! I jj-just didn’t know-”

“I’m gay.” And Bill has so many things to say, so many questions, but Stan barrels on before he can get even one of them out. “You probably figured that out, though. Fuck - I shouldn’t have - I’m sorry. I didn’t mean - I didn't mean to make things weird. Really. Can we just pretend like this never happened? I’m - I’m sorry. You can write the Suzie ending. You can just - just burn that one I guess. Fuck. I’m sorry-”

Bill grabs him by the front of his perfectly ironed polo and pulls him closer, closer, closer until their mouths are clashing together. It’s everything Bill’s been dreaming of. His lips are soft, softer than Bill could have even imagined, and it fills every dark, broken, crevice that haunts Bill’s heart with a warm, sunshiny feeling.

Bill pulls away to find Stan wide-eyed and pink-faced. He desperately wants to know what Stan’s thinking, but he’s shocked into a silence that speaks one too many volumes.

“Ss-Suh-Sorry,” Bill mutters. He forces his hands to unclench from around Stan’s shirt. The material is still wrinkled, but Bill figures that’s the least of their worries at the moment. Because, fuck, Stan didn’t mean him. “I sh-shouldn’t have assumed.”

“I mean,” Stan’s fingers lift up to ghost over his lips, “A little warning would’ve been nice.”

Bill’s heart stutters in his chest. “Wh-What’s that muh-mean?”

Stan shakes his head, like he isn’t really sure himself. “You could’ve asked.”

Bill swallows the lump in his throat. “Can I kiss you?”

Rather than answering, Stan lurches forward and presses their lips together in a bruising kiss. And, fuck, this is even better. Stan’s got one hand in his hair, the other gripping his shoulder like he’s steadying himself. The way his lips move against Bill’s leave him lightheaded, and he has to grip Stan’s hips to remind himself that he isn’t, in fact, dreaming.

“Huh-Holy shit,” he says, the words muffled by Stan’s lips.

“Shut up, shut up,” Stan chants. Bill can feel Stan’s lips fumble against his own as he speaks. It makes him just a little bit crazy.

Bill does, in fact, shut up. He drags his hands up to cup Stan’s face, holding his cheeks like he’s precious cargo. The kiss slows but doesn’t stop, turning into something so sweet it makes Bill’s teeth rot.

He pulls away slowly, because it’s just about the last thing he wants to do, but his lungs are starting to ache. Seeing Stan with puffy lips and glassy eyes is enough to convince Bill to duck back in for one last peck before pulling away for good.

“You’re beautiful,” Bill blurts out.

“Oh.”

“And I think I’m in love with you.”

“Oh!”

“I think I’ve always been in love with you. Ever since we were kids. Ever ss-since you waddled into my life as a cute little preschooler and demanded I use the hand sanitizer before shaking your hand.”

“You were covered in dirt,” Stan says weakly.

Bill laughs. A real laugh, from deep in his stomach. He hasn’t laughed like that in a long time.

He tries to go in for another kiss but Stan stops him, a hand clamped tightly over his mouth.

“Wait, wait,” he says. “I need to tell you something.” Bill hums softly against his palm. Stan’s eyes wander slowly over Bill, taking him all in. He looks flustered, but Bill doesn’t think he’s stalling. Taking a mental picture, more like. Bill understands. If there’s one moment he never wants to forget, it’s this one. Then, “I love you too.”

Bill’s spent his entire life trying to perfect the english language. He’s spent years hunched over a notebook, writing and re-writing and writing and re-writing until he’s gotten it as close to perfect as he possibly could. But nothing he’ll ever write will even get close to the perfect poetry that just flowed from Stan’s lips.

Bill grabs Stan’s hand between his own, leaving millions of tiny kisses along the palm.

“Please luh-let me kiss you again,” Bill practically begs. “Please, pp-please, please.”

Stan grants his wish, leaping forward to press their lips together again.

Distantly, Bill thinks this is better than breathing. If there’s one way he wants to die, it’s suffocating with Stanley Uris’ lips against his.

Two days later, no one has seen Stanley in a full 24 hours. A familiar panic has settled in Bill’s stomach. He’s gone through every other possible scenario in his head, gone through every excuse. But on some level he knows, Stan met the same fate as Georgie.

The Losers have spent the whole day wandering around town, hoping against hope they’ll find him somewhere. That it’s all just one, big misunderstanding. Bill keeps half expecting to see him around every corner, waiting for them with an eye roll and a dry joke that lets them know just know silly they were for thinking he had gone missing. He’s never there.

They’re all uncharacteristically quiet that day. Even Richie doesn’t say a word. He just clings to Eddie’s hand and searches with an uncharacteristic amount of diligence.

Bill wants to fucking scream.

He wants to tell Richie it’s okay to talk, it’s okay to joke, it’s okay to be fucking normal. Because nothing’s wrong. Stan’s fine and he’s going to be back any minute.

But, at the end of the day, Bill still finds himself in front of Robert’s door with enough tears to fill the Derry city pool streaming down his face.

“Huh-He’s guh-guh-gone,” Bill sobs.

Robert ushers him inside without another word. He lets Bill bundle up in his bed, pulling the covers up his chin and burying his face in the pillows. Somewhere in the back of his mind he recognizes some form of guilt for letting Robert’s pillows get so wet, but that’s the least of his worries at the moment.

“Billy.” Robert kneels by the edge of the bed. Through blurry eyes, Bill can see his eyebrows furrow in concern. “What happened?” Bill shakes his head. He can’t. He can’t say it. Saying it makes it too real. “C’mon, you can do it. I know you can. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“St-Stanley. He - He’s-” Bill doesn’t get to finish before a fresh wave of tears wash over him. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck.

Robert scoops him up in his arms, cuddling him close to his chest.

“It’s okay,” he murmurs. “You’re going to be okay. I’m going to make sure you’re okay.”

And Bill can do nothing but believe him.

Bill wakes up about an hour later to Robert gently mouthing at his neck, his hand gripping Bill’s hip hard enough to leave bruises. Bill grumbles softly and tries to roll away, but Robert tugs him back. He moves the hand on his hip to wrap tightly around Bill’s waist, effectively pinning him against him.

“‘M tt-tired,” Bill whines, voice still sore from crying.

“Had a dream,” Robert mumbles. His breath against his neck makes Bill’s skin prickle, but not in the same way Stan’s lips had. “A good dream. Need your help.”

“Ruh-Robert,” Bill huffs.

Not now, he wants to say. Not after he just got his heart stolen from his body.

“I’ll help you look for Stanley tomorrow,” Robert says. He’s moved on to mouthing at Bill’s jaw. “I always help you.”

Bill’s resolve crumbles. How is he supposed to argue with that? “Ff-Fine.”

He reaches down for Robert’s belt, but Robert catches his wrist in one, big hand and pins it above his head. It has Bill’s heart pounding in his ears and ice filling his veins.

“I have a better idea.”

Bill squirms, hoping it’ll convince Robert to let him go, but all it does is egg him on. He squeezes his wrists tighter, until Bill has to grit his teeth to stop himself from flinching.

“I’ve nuh-never - Wuh-We’ve never-”

“We can look all day tomorrow.”

“I - I don’t know.”

Robert sighs heavily. “A man will only be so satisfied with blow jobs, Billy.”

And, God, Bill just wants to go home. He hasn’t wanted to go there in so long but right now it’s the only place he can think of. He wants to fucking go home. He wants his mom to hold him and tell him he’s going to be alright. He wants his dad to hug him tight and promise to keep him safe.

He just wants to be okay.

“All day?” he asks weakly.

Robert nods. “All day.”

“Oh-Okay.”

The first thing Stan notices when he wakes up is that he’s cold.

The second thing is that it’s dark. Too dark to see anything.

The third is that he can’t fucking move.

His hands are behind his back, rope biting into his wrists. His legs are curled underneath him. He doesn’t think he could stand if he wanted to (which he does, he really, really does) but his ankles are tied together anyway. And his back aches from being hunched over for God knows how long. He tries to sit up straight, but something yanks him back down.

And then he stays there like that for what feels like at least a thousand years.

When a door is finally opened, it’s almost too much to bare. The light is dim, barely there, but Stan still has to squint to get used to it.

And in the doorway is a man. A very familiar man, in fact. A man who knows his exact address after picking up his dumbass friend at 1 in the morning.

“Good morning,” says Robert.

He’s grinning wildly and Stan wants to fucking cry. He wants to sob until his lungs give out, and then he wants to cry some more.

He can feel the beginning of pinprick tears forming behind his eyes, and he bites the inside of his cheek harshly to stop them from spilling out. He may be a coward but he’ll be damned if he lets Robert know that.

“Aren’t you going to say hello?” Robert says cheerily.

Stan doesn’t answer. He’s too focused on other things, like not crying in front of a psycho kidnapper.

“Awe, Stanny, that’s not very polite.”

He crosses the last few steps to ruffle Stan’s hair and Stan fucking breaks. A sob wrenches its way out of his throat, making his shoulders shake and eyes burn. Tears dribble pathetically down his cheeks, landing in tiny puddles on the floor.

“I’m suh-sorry,” Stan manages to choke out. “Wh-Wh-Whatever - Whatever I dd-duh-did. I’m sorry.” He flinches as Robert cards his fingers through his hair, wrenching his head back when his fingers catch on the curls. “Please.”

Stan doesn’t know what he’s begging for, all he knows is that it doesn’t work. Because Robert fucking laughs, all loud and boisterous, as if Stan’s told him one of Richie’s shitty jokes.

“Oh, Stanny,” he murmurs. He moves to grasp Stan’s chin with one hand, squeezing his cheeks and pressing dirty nails into his skin. “This wouldn’t have happened if you had just kept your hands off of what’s mine.”

#IT fanfic #IT fanfiction #bill denbrough #stanley uris #stenbrough #stenbrough fanfic #stenbrough fanfiction #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #beverly marsh #mike hanlon #ben hanscom #bev marsh #stan uris #in conclusion im sorry

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ladybugkisses · 5 years

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Hey Ari. I love all your shipping. It helped me make my own self insert shipping blog. I actually had a question of how you seem to have so much motivation and talent to make your content. I struggle with emotions and motivation and I wanted to know how you do it. Thank you in advance. (a-mess-of-may)

honestly, i’ve actually been struggling to have as much motivation as i used to, i’m not sure if it’s still valid for me to try and help you gdskgsd bUT… .. . HERE GOES SOMETHIN

💛 most of what motivates me is the need to draw everyday– even if it’s just one little sketch or i end up erasing it later, i gotta Do Something– and. boredom. drawing keeps me busy when i have nothing else to do and don’t feel like just sitting back and staring at a screen

💜 if even boredom won’t do it and i actually decide to get off my ass and try to do something about it though, i look up stuff that inspires me-- like music, fanfic, my ☀️ the otp🌙 tag in case none of the ideas i already have seem good at the moment, etc

💛 talking to friends about the content you wanna make also helps imo, especially if what you wanna make involves writing (in my case though, comics). it makes me want to do it ASAP

💜 going back to the first thing i said about sketching: WARM-UPS !! ! do some random or related sketches before you do the Main Thing ! !! sometimes you need a push to get into the groove of drawing– or in my case, sometimes it’s more like a push into getting focused lmao

💛 don’t be afraid to try new things. sometimes what’s keeping me unmotivated is the fact i’ve been doing the same shti over and over again, and trying out different things helps– like doing a different style or a new brush. usually i do this as a warm-up instead of the real thing but it can help in expanding your options and even help you improve, so that’s p neat

💜 @a-mess-of-may i know you said you want to find motivation to make content and I Get That, im pretty harsh on myself in that regard– if i don’t make stuff i feel bad– but you need to keep in mind that it’s okay to take your time and not do as much as you initially hoped to. a bit of content, even if it took you days to make, is better than no content at all. celebrate the little victories and don’t beat yourself up for not being able to churn out content all the time !

anyway, this is all i can think of. i hope it helps you at least a little, and i wish you only the best ! !! ✨ good luck ✨ !! !

#everyone is different so keep in mind what works for me might not work for you. not to mention some days are harder for Making Stuff #but like i said pls dont beat urself up over it ! be kind to urself and know your limits. sometimes u need to push urself and thats ok #but make sure you go easy on urself #bY THE WAY thank u so much ! !!#i'm glad you like my content and that it has helped you ! <3 <3 <3 #asks #a-mess-of-may

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pilferingapples · 5 years

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23 (what do you wish more authors woud do) and 24 (what do you wish authors would STOP doing) for the fanfic ask

HMMM

23- I wish more authors would..be weird and self-indulgent? Especially wrt to things besides sex and shipping tropes, like..I adore Weird AUs like strange , folklore-influenced stuff, or incredibly specific settings like “ modern AU but they’re in an exceptionally Accurate and Realistic Roller Derby League” or “ this fic is about a Cool Science Theory I learned” or nonstandard fic formats like bulletpoint fic or snippet fic or comics or askblogs or yes, even songfic. I’m not gonna say I love every example of that kind of super self indulgent writing but as a whole it’s a Thing I Love and it makes me happy to see people writing their joy!

24 ..It may be paradoxical, but I wish more authors would be nicer to themselves and meaner to the readers?:P I mean, I understand, everyone wants to have someone see their art and go YES GOOD, but like..I have friends who stress themselves sick over getting that next update out In Time or if they’re going to make readers happy and frankly: To Hell With Us, The Readers. Writers are doing really hard work, for free, presumably because they enjoy it (I’m an artist, I know that it is sometimes Questionable if this is Enjoyment or a new form of Ordeal) , and then they share it for free? And then so many writers seem to feel guilty that it’s not Good Enough?

To quote a Florida Man “ You're cool, dope, fresh, and smart-brained. You're awesome! Be nicer to yourself.”

#Writer Friends I am Worried for some of you #please be nice to the writers #natter #answereds #thank you!#bundibird

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ximeria · 4 years

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Writer Meme

Was tagged by @moonygarou

1. Favourite Fandom to write in?

Currently it’s most definitely Good Omens. If we’re looking at the community and its interaction in general with writers and artists, I really can’t complain. We’re all a bunch of evil enablers and the outcome, art, stories, cosplay, comics odd stuff is just amazing. I haven’t left the X-men fandom behind, but I needed a break from writing in it. This has most certainly given me new writing angles and ideas.

2. Favourite Rare Pair?

I’ve never really done rare pairs? I don’t even know what constitutes a rare pair. In many ways it’s the major characters that normally grab my attention. Does this make me a lemming? In some people’s eyes it might, but honestly? I grab inspiration where it hits me. I think the closest I might’ve come was Mal/Jayne in Firefly, because most everyone else went for Mal/Simon or Jayne/Simon. And Mal/Jayne was by no means a small pairing.

3. What do you use as motivation?

Pure, raw need to create LOL. But honestly, I am on several GO servers and all of them have sharing channels and many of them sprint channels as well, not to mention plot-bunny adoption channels. There is nearly always someone on who will be a fabulous enabler if you need it.

4. Ever completed Nanowrimo?

I... actually had to check how many times I’d taken part (I’ve never started and failed, do not doubt me!) First time I had an old fantasy novel I started in the late 90s that I wanted over and bloody done with. So with no further ado yes, I finished Nano. 13! Fucking! Times! That as a bit of a chock for me as well.

Nano says 6 completed but I think it might’ve reset at one point when they redid the website because the earliest there was 2011. Went through the old folders and awe and behold - no less than 13 all in all XD - Some fanfic, some original.

5. What is your favourite tool to write on?

Old laptop - has larger keyboard than my little more portable laptop. I’ll cry when it dies.

6. Drink of choice?

There’s nearly always a cup of coffee at my writing spot as well as a glass of water.

7. When do you finish your fic, before or close to deadline?

If they have a deadline, I’m normally done well ahead of time. Once I get started I tend to just work with the singlemindedness of a bulldog.

8. What genre do you prefer to write in?

I’m lazy with research sometimes, so modern setting, though I don’t shy away from historical and i love some good old fashioned sci-fi

9. If you were an Animagus what would you be?

No clue. Potter thing, is it? No clue, no interest XD

10. If you had the choice to travel in time, where would you go to.

Forward, prove to myself that mankind isn’t as fucked up as it seems to be.

For use if anyone wants to use it (apart from @meinposhbastard who gets tagged just because :P)

1. Favourite Fandom to write in 2. Favourite Rare Pair? 3. What do you use as motivation? 4. Ever completed Nanowrimo? 5. What is your favourite tool to write on? 6. Drink of choice? 7. When do you finish your fic, before or close to deadline? 8. What genre do you prefer to write in? 9. If you were an Animagus what would you be? 10. If you had the choice to travel in time, where would you go to.

#meme #writing meme #writers

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wolfwhiteflowers · 5 years

Text

RG movies and tv speculations

So since we’ve been getting lil non-confirmation news that the Rick movie(s) will be starting soon (like Jan. maybe), I’ve been thinking about it. Everyone’s reaction is all bringing back the same comments and concerns they said before. The fandom is skeptical and doubtful. Everyone’s tired and want closure. I get that. Anyway, I think it’s gonna happen at least the first one. We waited for like a year and some months for actual news of it starting. lol This all reminds me that it’s all show business, $$$, and hoping for GREAT writing and luck. Eh I really need to somehow have low expectations and stuff. :\ I think we waited more because of new deals, like movies being in theaters/Universal.(and it was always trilogy movies right?) I just want a good ending to Rick’s story. sigh.

I’m excited about the Rick movies starting, but then I’m like idk ..what to expect and, even if we get some kind of an idea, will it be good? idc about Jadis at all (but she’s the one who brings him to somewhere he’s at) Will Heath be there? ...and I hope Michonne will be in those movie(s)!!! It all comes down to great writing, cast, etc. Ahh.

I think I need to write down what I want and hope for...and also think of what would be the most disappointing ways and just be ...expecting less. bleh

-Random thought.. Maggie speculations... and spoilers!

I saw a post about if I still miss Maggie during s10. I realized that I don’t care that much. I guess it’s partly because of the writing and AMC...Maggie didn’t have other friends, loose end arcs in s9. I wasn’t that interested in Maggie in s8 or s9 because it’s like she was not with the TF that much and she’s mostly angry. :\ Then also her friends are all dead in Hilltop. But mainly, I don’t feel like I miss her because, even though it was a shitty “ending/exit” for her, she took her son and went with Georgie in a different community, and they’re doing fine. I think all the comic Maggie moments had been shown already - Negan plots. So in a way I feel Maggie’s story is done and fine/happy ending. But Maggie is returning to the show in s11 (and lil bit in s10 in some way that Idk). I think Maggie will be like a new character. Kind of like how everyone’s changed a bit from the big time jump. I think Maggie will be ..like comic Gov. Pamela or someone like that. Maggie might be president (like in the final comic issue/endgame/future.) Both comic characters are kinda similar. Idk but I’m curious what the writers will do with Maggie in s11. Maggie might be the ..erm “antagonist” or so. Yeah....I hope, if the show does it, it would be interesting and complex. But ofc it’s gonna rile up remaining TWD fans. Idk. ahh I really hope Hershel Jr isn’t gonna be like Sebastian. :| Idk..I liked Hershel Jr’s story even tho it upsets people but I liked his reasons. He misses his dad. So..I think s11 will be like s10 but kinda like Carol and Daryl/TF as the mains and Maggie introducing Commonwealth/communities..as a guest star? supporting character?. Kinda like we say Atlanta group but Morgan isn’t part of it but he’s still part of the group. Anyway, there’s gonna be a lot of traveling ..bigger world..political. Maggie is a main from the other side of the show.

-Other remixes (plots) I recently noticed that could be shown in s11. I think Aaron will be like comic Rick. Yumiko will be like comic Michonne with the lawyer stuff. Magna will be like comic Dwight-maybe, with not so loyal to Daryl.The mains will be adapting a lot to either comic Rick, Michonne, Carl, Andrea, Eugene’s plots. Lydia is like Sophia or Carl. ???

- So I’m kinda wondering why the first movie is starting their pre-productions now in December. Idk much about movies and just speculating. I’m wondering if it’s to wait till DG is done filming and maybe even NR and MMB/and others to be done with s10. (filming was done before Thanksgiving). Maybe it’s also Jan to March is when the writers and GN are have time to write and set things up to film the movies. They had FTWD and TWD:WB to think about too and scripts. Idk but Gimple thinks he can do it. heh.

Anyway, so if it’s not about the timing or something, it would be cool if NR and MMB are part of the movie(s). They already have the contract deal to work for three years. Which it’s like I guess the show will end in s12? And that deal said like they’re also part of the TWD universe prj. so maybe they also do the movie(s). Idk. For me, I would love to have Carol and Daryl in the movie(s)! I think for show business it would be even better for Gimple to have all the mains and from other shows (FTWD, TWD:WB) in the movie(s) to be part of it. Because the movie(s) is a big deal right? They gotta sell it big. But Idk how that would work. Ahh I would love it if the movie(s) is a big Rlchonne and CaryI movie. :P

-My theory..my wishes...

I think Gimple kinda also wanted the first movie to be made after s10/after Michonne left the show-to find Rick. Idk when the movie will come out in theater but some fans say winter of 2020. So with that theory, it’s like s10 finale, movie-1, s11, movie-2, s12, and this could be where everyone comes together and do movie-3 for the final ending of Rick’s story (and maybe TWD show’s series finale).

oh tv gods, so many promises and commitments. O_O

-My wish so far(or an idea I hope it goes that I have rn)is that I want Carol and Daryl to be part of the movies...like C plot of the movie. I want Michonne to be reunited in first movie or be like a B-plot star of the movie. Idk I have these ideas of how the movie(s) will go and I keep thinking of Lord of Rings for some reason or a movie where characters travel and reunite in the end.

-So I have these ideas so far of the movies. Michonne leaves to find Rick (without the kids). There’s a lot missions and traveling Michonne had to do to get to him, make friends, and maybe once she does find him and is with him, they both fight their way back home. First movie could be about why Rick couldn’t get back to his family, his recovery from his injury, introduce these new characters that are friends and foes.(Maybe some father and son trope in it?) Since, I’m a biased Carol fan/Caryler, I think Carol and Daryl will go travel with the Grimes kids to get the kids to be with their parents. I call it the Carol’s mission. Her story’s endgame might be like being able to have the Grimes kids protected, live, and have them be with their parents.

I feel like the Carol’s mission idea might not happen because it seem like it won’t work out. Maybe Carol’s mission will work in the third movie. I just think it’s part in plan (or not and writers just want Grimes legacy in the show and ratings stuff) that plan to have Carol to look after the Grimes kids as Michonne leaves in s10. Idk why Michonne will leave without her kids..but there’s a reason...idk what. Or, I’m wrong with this kids thing. From the s10B trailer and spoilers.., it seems like it’s Uncle Daryl looking after the Grimes kids. But what about Lydia? It seems like Carol is actually gonna be the one to look after her and be a parent figure to her. Idk why it’s like the writers switched this. In s9 and s10..writers kept like mentioning that Daryl is Lydia’s parent figure. So ?? Unless it’s some kinda pre-set up to the Caryl family? Carol bonding with Lydia, and Daryl bonding with Grimes kids..= Carylydia and Grimes kids. Dixons and Grimes kids. ??? Anyway, I feel like Caryl will be part of the movies and travel or follow Michonne’s path to get her kids to her (in third movie maybe). It would be kinda like Caryl’s New Mexico dream/endgame in a way for them.

So those are my ideas..it’s a mess but it’s on the post. :) Now I go think of those headcanons/fanfics whenever and hope the movies goes... well.

-Man the writers gotta know their themes, tropes,...I hope uh Gimple really planned this story out.

Idk what the heck is gonna happen or how or even to think it will happen. But if the movie(s) do happen, I do hope it’s way better than the SW’s sequel trilogy movies. I hope the movies have good writing and a happy ending where the Grimes family are all together.

#rick grimes movies #*rgm #*twd #this is a mess #twd speculations #made this post 3 times #carol's mission #carylydia and grimes kids #carols mission #twd remixes #twd spoilers #carol peletier #michonne #maggie rhee #rick grimes #daryl dixon #*twd movies #i put too many tags ahh

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theartfuldodger26 · 5 years

Note

For the prompt I'll be predictable: Harry Potter, Bellamort and Bellatrix 😁

Thanks for the prompts, @bellamort1993! Feel free to answer the same :)

001 | Send me a fandom and I will tell you my:

Favorite character:

Bellatrix Lestrange and Voldemort.

Bella is the closest to my heart, but apparently I waste the most brainmatter on Tom/Voldemort, so *shrugs*

Harry is my favourite light character, he’s an admirable person.

Least Favorite character:

Umbridge, as is universally accepted.

Favorite ships (canon or non-canon):

Bellamort (which is canon, bitches)

Delphi/Harry (it will become canon, you just wait for TCC part3)

Tomarry but not Harrymort (nearly counts as canon judging by how often Harry gushes over handsome Tom’s face)

Drarry (I’m human and susceptible to fandom mainstream, plus there’s some fantastic fics out there)

Delphi/Victoire (cause two pretty, hot-headed ladies are my cup of tea any day)

Character I find most attractive:

Bellatrix, hands down. Then Voldemort can do things to me too, but Bella would be my first choice.it’s so nice being bi, isn’t it.

Character I would marry:

No one, I’m happy by myself.

Delphi can be my angsty fuck buddy with whom we meet every once in a while, bitch, get drunk, cry and fuck.

Character I’d be friends with:

Harry, tho I’m not the best of friends and he does bring an unappealing high mortality rate to any occasion. It’s fiiine.

a random thought:

The wizarding world makes zero sense in so many places. They haven’t had an Industrial Revolution, meaning they haven’t known first hand the new ideas that came with it, and they seem to be stuck in the Middle Ages in many ways, even if they dont seem extremely Christian as these times actually were. We know little about the political system and their beliefs are so random. It’s really confusing.

An unpopular opinion:

Idk what’s unpopular these days. Aside from Albus’ name, I actually liked the Epilogue.

It showed what we needed to know: that Harry and the rest made it out okay. They found the courage to face their destroyed community and rebuild, even though they had gone through enough during the war. I think JKR said it herself in an interview how important rebuilding is after a catastrophe, how it can daunt even the bravest people. The miracles of Japan and Germany bouncing back and better after WWII are relevant real-life examples here.

A married Harry, enthusiastic about hugging his kids goodbye on their first day of school, a day that to him symbolises a new beginning, is the greatest gift and it does not erase the pain he might feel every day for going through hell in his early life. In fact, it’s this snipet of normalcy what he craved as a boy and refused to daydream about because its weight would be too much,and now he gets to have it. Along with the nightmares and the PTSD and the new challenges yes, but now, in this moment, as he waves to the new generation that he helped create, he’s safe, loved and happy. He deserves it.

Second unpopular opinion: I don’t give a damn if McGonagall’s timeline is screwed up by bringing her to life in the 20′s. Didn’t really matter to the story before and she’s a freaking badass and comic relief, which is the best combo ever. Is it fan-bating or whatever it was called? Sure. But if she makes the story better with her presense I give minus two fucks about when JKR originally said she was born (also, newsflash: people have the right to change HC’s, especially people who don’t shit about maths, like our dear creator)

My Canon OTP:

BELLAMORT

Seriously, I have screenshoted the details of TCC where it shows they’re canon.

My Non-canon OTP:

Harry/Delphi

I know, I’m sick, it’s fine. *insert dog sipping coffee in the flaming house meme here*

Most Badass Character:

Bellatrix, handsdown.

McGonagall for good people.

Most Epic Villain:

Voldemort, we’d have no books without him. He can be dumb, but it’s cute.

Pairing I’m not a fan of:

I’m not huge on non-canon Hermione ships, and anything with Snape is gross.

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another):

…Snape? Not his character, but the positive light she gave him by naming Harry’s kid after him. It appeared she was clear on him not being an admirable person, but then he’s the bravest bloke ever? No, ma’am.

On a Fantastic Beasts note, I do hope they handle the backstories of all characters well. We’ll surely get back to this after the FB series are over.

Favourite Friendship:

The Golden Trio, they work as a three-man-group better, I won’t devide them. Also, as a part-time writer I have to admire how the writing and dynamics were handled, it’s so hard to think as more than one person, not to mention three!

Character I most identify with:

PostAzkaban!Bellatrix feels she’s letting her master and herself down, and so do I. I keep looking for my former self. Who wasn’t much after all, but had some qualities I should recultivate.

Character I wish I could be:

… I’d like to have some Bellamort qualities that I lack, but in general I’m fine working on myself.

002 | Send me a ship and I will tell you:

When I started shipping them:

After I finished the books, so that’s since 2007. 12 cool, angsty years.

My thoughts:

I love them, they’re my evil babies. In fact, I don’t even have reasons for loving them, as most shippers do, I’d just die for them, end of reasoning.

What makes me happy about them:

That they’re complicately made for each other in their unique goth way. And that in the end they had a kid, which I think helped Voldemort out a lot with his issues with intimacy and emotions.

What makes me sad about them:

That they died *sobs hysterically*.

Also in the books they have like two scenes together. (HE SCREAMED THO)

Things done in fanfic that annoys me:

Seeing Bella’s character butchered down to a snivelling, slavish idiot, though these aren’t Bellamort fics usually.

In Bellamort fics, it feels like a cheat when it says Bellamort but it’s just Bella pining and Voldemort really not caring. I don’t have a problem with the POV, but it needs to be tagged as unrequited. Otherwise I’m open to perspectives.

Things I look for in fanfic:

Good writing, mostly.

I’m also a huge fan of Muggle!AU’s, so if you have that, I’ll read it, no questions asked XD

My wishlist:

On Amazon? :P Fine, I’ll show myself out

I presume this means wishlist on fics/art with these two, but do correct me if I’m wrong. I dont have one, since I write myself, so whatever I want to read, I write. Right now I’m eager to finish the following Bellamort fics:

1. Harry finds out about Bellamort via looking through Voldy’s stuff.

2. BellaDiesButVoldyWins!AU

3. Voldemort discovers his breastfeeding kink

4. A therewasonlyonebed!fic

5. Tomarry turns Bellamort in Easter setting, Muggle!AU, Harry wets himself in the process

In general I’d say I’d like to see more classic, tropy fanfics with these two, lighter ones, you know. Angst is great, but let us enjoy the coffeeshop!AU too.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:

Alone and miserable.

I guess Bella would have been okay with Rodolphus, had Tom/Voldemort never been born.

And Voldemort/Tom would have been fine too with some nameless pretty woman he did not love but had to marry to keep face.

But I think that they would have never been truly happy with anyone else. especially Tom, he’d never be really comfortable with anyone.

My happily ever after for them:

VoldemortWins!AU, they conquer Europe, Bella is Minister for War, Voldemort the Emperor. Maybe they have a kid, maybe a couple more or none at all, who cares, the point is they live and fulfull their dreams of revolutionising the Wizarding Wolrd.

I also have a sappy afterlife!AU where for a while Bella is imprisoned at the family castle for having a halfblood little bastard, goes half-insane as Voldemort seacrhes for her (they had a spat right after they got there), and Delphi kills herself and goes to find her dad in small-child form. They finally get tgether and live deathly ever after in some Norwegian fjord in the frozen tundra. (it’s also my personal happy ending, only it’s cats and snakes)

003 | Give me a character & I will tell you:

How I feel about this character:

I love Bella. She’s a bitch and a sadist, but I love her.

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character:

The one and only, his majesty the Dark Lord himself.

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character:

Rodolphus, he’s her only friend.

Also, sad HC: Bella was very close to Andromeda until she got too involved with Voldemort and his cause, and they drifted apart. No one wept harder than Bella after Andy left, and it was her who spent days banging on the Tonks’ door to let them speak to her. Voldy could squeeze tears out of his shirt after she fell asleep on him crying about it.

My unpopular opinion about this character:

Again, not sure about what’s unpopular.

I believe she suffers from genuine mental illness that tortures her a lot and makes her life (and her shared life with Voldemort too) very hard. Also I find her more self-doubting and reserved than most authors, hard working and largely indifferent to people who aren’t Voldemort.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

Actual romantic scene would have been nice, but HE SCREAMED after all. Let’s not ask for too much.

Favorite friendship for this character:

Rodolphus and Andromeda. Recently I’ve started Brotp-ing Sirius with Bella too, before they parted ways.

My crossover ship:

I don’t really have any other fandoms, sorry.

Well, that was fun! Thanks again!

#ask #bellamort #bellatrix lestrange #lord voldemort #bellamort1993

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imma-lil-teapot · 6 years

Text

Each TMNT Incarnation and Where They Stand With Me :)

(Nervous chuckle) ... Yeah no, I suck at titles. Moving on!

Y’all can go ahead and skip this part if you’re not interested in senseless rambling and just wanna get to the TMNT fun~ ;)

Soooooo, I’ve recently updated my Tumblr page to a blog dedicated to all my fandoms (musing, headcanons, writing, gifs, pics, the works, basically anything and everything in relation to them) since I wasn’t really ever doing anything with it other than using it to share pics mostly. But ever since I stumbled back into the TMNT fandom, I’ve been searching Tumblr for fan content and OMGOSH, did I hit the jackpot! Headcanons, fanfics, Turtle x reader stories, so much juicy stuff! Am hooked! Dunno why I never tried searching for similar stuff in the past for my other fandoms! I guess I just... didn’t realize there was so much content here. :O But anyway, I always wanted a place to share ideas and thoughts regarding my fandoms outside of sites like Deviantart and Fanfiction.net, and heck, it’s been here under my nose all this time... Y’all gonna have to forgive me; I’m an old fart. ;P (Insert image of Slowpoke for reference) So without further ado...

LET’S GET THIS PIZZA PARTY STARTED!

Imma start this blog off really simple and, as the title states, just give you all a small-ish idea of where each TMNT universe stands (or ranks?) with me, personally... Note the ‘personally’ part so please don’t feel offended if I don’t share the same opinion as you on a particular verse. ^^; I have my own tastes and will respect the next person’s when it comes to them. ;) Also, please beware the typos (which there most definitely will be)...

IN RELEASE DATE ORDER: (Hopefully they’re right)

MIRAGE COMICS~

Imma just say it: I haven’t read any of them yet. :/ There probably are sites out there that would allow you to view them online for free, but in truth, I’ve been a little slack about trying to find any... That may however change someday as I always tell myself I should really seek out the source material so it’s only a matter of time. What I do know, however, is that they’re of course a lot darker than most incarnations (which I don’t have a problem with personally) and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious as to exactly how much darker. X’D The closest I’ve come to ‘knowing’ these Turts comes from watching the Turtles Forever movie and they weren’t in it for a long time so it’s very difficult to say what they actually mean to me, so we’ll just put these guys down in the ‘not sure’ column for now. ;)

1987 CARTOON~

HAHA~ I think any fan of the franchise as a whole knows this little gem! The series that really hit it off and spawned over a 190 eps! Quite an impressive feat for a Saturday morning cartoon! It made its way to TVs the year before I was born, but it would take another few before it would reach our tubes (we’re always a few years behind the rest of the world :/ ) so I was around four when I was first introduced to it and needless to say, I loved it back then! Michelangelo was initially my fav due to him being my older brothers’ fav and the one they mainly spoke of, but it didn’t take long before my favering gravitated towards Leonardo (even at such a young age) and has been that way ever since. ;) But where exactly does the series stand with me as an adult nowadays with so many other verses we’ve been exposed to? I do hold a lot of nostalgia (as many older do) for it, and I mean, come on, that theme song is ageless, and I even started watching a lot of vids involving the original VAs and the shenanigans they get up to and seriously, it’s so heartwarming and fun to see them! But I have to be honest...

It’s not my fav verse, honestly. I will always adore them, of course, because of the nostalgia and the goofiness... But it’s the latter that’s mostly the reason for it being placed a bit lower on the favoritism ladder. While its a fun watch if you want something lighthearted, I still prefer the idea of the darker undertones that comes with being associated with ninjas. It’s just a preference. Plus, the Turtles designs are big one for me, and I’m sorry to say, but I keep seeing these fellas as more frog-like than turtle, despite the shells. X’D So yeah, no big reasoning for it, and even if someone were to ask me if I like these guys, I’ll still say yes, just that they’re not my ultimate fav is all. ;)

Also, we won’t talk about the Japanese Anime Ninja Turtles: Superman Legend or something to that extent... We’ll just let that one be gently swept under the carpet. ;) Only ever saw the trailer for it and that’s all I’ll ever need to see in my lifetime.

1990 MOVIES TRILOGY~

Now funny enough, I really don’t remember ever seeing these movies as a kid, though it’s possible I did and just maybe blocked the memory, but I highly doubt it... So yeah, I saw these movies as an adult already. The first is praised by most fans, and honestly, I can see why: it’s pretty good! :D The acting is very decent and the humour’s brilliant! The two sequels... not so much but still okay. ;) Where they sit with me... Not too far on the ladder again I’m afraid. :/ While I do really enjoy and appreciate the acting and that humour (”I made a funny.” X’D) it mostly comes down to the Turtles designs again... I really can’t see past them being actors in costumes rather than characters. :’( Granted, good actors. ;) And heck, Jim Henson did a phenomenal job! They’re just not really the movies for me is all, even if I do go back and watch ‘em every now and then. X’D I do however melt every time at the scene in the first movie where Raph wakes up in the bath and Leo’s there and apologizing and all... Makes me all gooey inside! X’D The feels are real! Speaking of Leo, though, he sounds even younger than Mikey. Small nitpick, that, but... why? X’D

But yeah, let’s just say, they’re good movies, just, not my favs.

Also, Coming Out Of Their Shells tour... Yeah, I’m gonna just... pretend that doesn’t exist for a minute.

THE NEXT MUTATION~

Nope.

Saw one ep as a kid and am not interested in seeing anymore.

Although, VA Matt Hill voices Raph. That’s one good thing.

2003/2k3~

Well it wasn’t already apparent by my avatar... Ladies and gents, I present to you... My fav TMNT verse to date! Oh my goodness, where do I even begin with this delicious series?! :D Firstly, animation: so appealing, comic book-y style! Their designs: without sounding pervy, veeeeeeeery appealing (hehehehehe), no seriously, they sometimes have a bitta bulk to them but it honestly works, and dem muscles, and the cool eyes! The VAs: spot on! Perfect! Wouldn’t have ‘em any other way! Make me melt, Mr. Michael Sinterniklaas~ (cough) Their personalities: Omgosh, just yes! So perfect! They’re easily differentiated and yet still work together so well. Leo’s mature and level-headed (well, most of the time ;P ) yet still gets tested a lot and even has a fun side that’s shown on occasion. Raph’s grouchy and violent but is shown on more than one occasion that’s he’s total softie and really does care. Don’s just a sweetheart and freakishly smart and even has slips ups from time to time. Mikey... omgosh, best Mikey ever! So much fun! So hilarious! And just a bundle of energy, but not at all an idiot like he’s sometimes portrayed in other verses. He’s witty, mischievous and just so adorable! Heck, even Master Splinter, April, Casey, the lot of them are just awesome in this series! And wow, they really do lean more towards the source material (or so I’m told) when it comes to the plots! It’s darker than the other previous verses yet still remaining kid-friendly (although I question it at times XD) and omgosh, it’s just everything I want in a TMNT universe! Granted, it’s not perfect perfect, but it nailed it for me. ;) It really showed so lovely character developments, alsortsa different genres, the humour will leave you in stitches, the Turts are all just so lovable, I can’t get enough of them! This series was really my high point and I’ve yet to find one that tops it~

Btw, this even includes Fast Forward and Back to the Sewer (BTTS). The former being my least fav of the series simply due to the setting and again, it’s just preference. I even liked BTTS, even though I’m not overly fond of a cyberspace setting, but I found myself really liking the art style and the general plot. :D

2007/2k7~

As with the last, if you’ve picked up on the page’s header/banner, you’d have probably guessed that the 2007 movie is also a good candidate for one my favs... And you’d be correct. ;) I’m actually very fond of this movie, and it’s largely due to the Turtles designs. I love how they were done! They just look so cool! <3 Subtle differences tell the viewer who’s who even if they didn’t have a mask or weapons. The VAs were also pretty good~ Now, the story isn’t the greatest, I’ll admit. Personally I thought it was okay, but know many fans think otherwise. But I did like the confrontation between Leo and Raph! It got real there, peeps! :O Now here’s also where it falls a little on its face for me: I didn’t really like how they handled Leo’s personality (if you haven’t already picked up on it, yes, I’m a Leo fangirl and I’m picky when it comes to how they handle his personality) but it’s a nitpick again, yet, I still feel compelled to state my opinion: the whole “I’m better than you.” comment really took me back and made me think they pushed it. I honestly like to believe he’d never actually say something like that... at least, 2003!Leo wouldn’t. X’D But that’s just my problem: I’m comparing a different verse’s Leo to this one and whether I like it or not, he said it. :/ Oh well, it still made for some fun action scenes and I’ll still always like the movie.

Bit of a goof on my side: I honestly thought that this movie was made to tie in with the 2003!verse due to the timeline in which it was produced, but turns out, it’s actually closer to the 1990′s timeline although still considered it’s own verse.

2012/2k12~

Oooh boy, lemme prepare for the backlash real quick... I’m uhhhh... not a fan of these boys. :/ I don’t mind them, but I’m honestly never gonna watch the series again. It’s hard to top your fav when you’ve kinda already hit your high point, ya know. Now before you light your torches and sharpen your pitchforks, hear me out: I will never bash the series, or make fun of anyone who likes it! Or anything to that extent! It’s just wasn’t for me, plain and simple, and it’s got nothing to do with it being ‘new’ or I’m just an old fart stuck in my ways. Heck, If you’re still reading, you would’ve found out that even nostalgia couldn’t beat the series that grasped me in my teens! So no, it has nothing to do with age. But if you do need a reason: I wasn’t overly fond of how they handle the characters. For one, they look and act a bit too young, Mikey is just... wow, something else. Donnie’s... sheesh, pretty snappy and antagonising. Raph’s well... okay, he’s meant to be angry half the time, and they did give him some more layers with Spike and Mona Lisa and whatnot, but he still kinda never learns his lesson if I can say that? He’ll learn that he shouldn’t cause issues with others, yet next episode he’s back at it again. :/ Leo’s... wow, just not like other Leos. X’D Best way I can describe him is... young? Very childlike. And even when he was progressing to becoming this better leader, I honestly couldn’t even see the change. My mind was just stuck on this “He’s a babeh.” notion. Also, I’m not even gonna start on this April and Casey. Just. No. Most of the characters were annoying and I just kept seeing recycled plot after plot. What I did like was the romance that blossomed between Raph and Mona (albeit far too rushed) and even Donnie liking April was adorable (but seriously Donnie, you can do so much better), and there were some really heartfelt moments, like Splinter telling Leo to leo his brothers with his heart and not his head, and the scenes when they were Tots will always make me squeal... But yeah... without leaving any spoilers.... about Splinter... just... thanks, Nickelodeon. Y’all know what I mean. Not once... But twice.... Really? So yeah, look, I realized some of those reasons might even be petty, but again, it’s just not the series for me, but anyone who’s a fan... You keep being a fan! ;) I’m glad you can enjoy something I can’t. ;)

2014/2k14/2016/2k16 AKA BAYVERSE~

HAHA~ Every fan’s favorite... If only. X’D Jokes aside, despite many fans claiming the Bay movies ruined the franchise, these two films gathered a small following... And I’m apart of it. :) Funny enough, I honestly didn’t know what to think of them when the movie first came out. I think I was just taken aback by the sheer amount of detail and all that went into their designs. I didn’t not like them, but again, their designs were a lot to take in. :O Even now after seeing the movies quite a few times over, I find myself constantly discovering something I didn’t notice on them before, be it a strap or a scar etc. And it honestly took some getting use to their sizes, I mean, sheesh! :O Not to mention the different background story, and Megan Fox’s wooden, expressionless acting, but despite all that... I found myself actually growing attached to these hulks of Turtles. They still have a lot of that heart in them and plus they’re just so much fun, I mean, can we say ‘Elevator scene’? X’D Now again, not perfect by anys mean, but still fun and pretty decent incarnations to add to the franchise. Again, Leo’s been given this ‘Better than you’ a bit which irked me to be frank. Not always but it’s there sometimes, but otherwise alright. Raph’s a decent Raph. Even had some tender moments. Donnie’s adorable! X’D This slightly potty mouthed geek that you just gotta love. And Mikey... although given that bitta ‘idiot’ feel, is also just as lovable and you want to hug him every time he’s onscreen!

In short, I like ‘em. :) They’re actually closer to the top of the ladder than some others.

RISE OF THE TMNT/ROTTMNT/2018/2K18~

Yeeeeeeeeuuuuuuh... no. Sorry. Not for me. :/ Again, gonna remind y’all, nothing to do with age. Nothing to do with change. I will say that the fluid animation is nice, and the fact that they chose 2D animation. :) Buuuuuut, wow, they were certainly a lot to take in. Almost as much as Bay’s Turtles. After watching a few eps, I will conclude that they really just aren’t what I’m looking for. I found that the constant joking, while sometimes funny, got a little bit much, plus such short eps. Raph being leader was a switch and one that took awhile to get use to and honestly, I’m just not for it, I don’t even know where to begin with Donnie, Mikey’s okay, Leo... (deep breath) I don’t know what they were thinking... Let’s not even go to Master Splinter. But anyways, I get that change was what they were going for and that it was more so based on the 1987 toon with the silliness so that’s fine. I’m glad it’s got so many fans. :) And honestly, I wanna end off just by saying...

That no matter what your thoughts on what I’ve said, I hope you can respect my opinions and choices cause at the end of the day, they’re just my own, and I will always respect yours! :D If you adore the verses I’m not too crazy about, that’s great! :D I want you all to love the heck out of them! And honestly, this is what’s so great about this franchise: there are so many verses to choose from! So many options and tastes to suit any and all! You don’t have to follow the masses! You go enjoy whichever incarnation(s) you want to! ;)

And there we have it, my first fandom bloggy thingy~ Hope there’ll be many more where that came from! :D

This is Drag0n-Mistr3ss signing off~

#tmnt #incarnations #favorite #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt 2003 #tmnt 1987 #tmnt 2014 #tmnt 2012 #tmnt 1990 #rottmnt

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tara-l-blackmore · 5 years

Text

Words

I've struggled with putting this anywhere. I started writing it in emails, on Twitter, on DeviantArt, even on Dreamwidth. I've stopped each time. I'm pretty sure this won't even go up, but let's see.

I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with people, right now. I'm lonely, and miserable, and yearning for friendship, but I cannot handle it. I cannot handle dealing with people, no matter how close I am to them. This includes – yes – people I consider to be family. This includes by family, even. I have lost contact with dozens of people that I’ve sworn never to lose contact with – or they have chosen to lose contact with me – and it's starting to… affect me.

All I’ve been able to do is write. I can't talk. Or if I do try to talk, I fuck it up. I have no been open with how I’ve been feeling, what I’ve been going through, and why I've avoided people I don't want to avoid. I don't want to talk about myself, so when I talk to people, once they ask about me, I end the convo or change the subject. I can't take it. I don't want to fucking talk about it.

But here we are. You're reading this, clearly, because you want to know what's wrong with me, for whatever fucking reason. Fine you want to know? Read on. If you don't? Stop reading and please stop asking me. I want to make this clear that I’ve kept this shit to myself because nobody cares about problems like I have. I think. If you're reading this, you're not nobody. Whatever, anyway.

My pain started getting worse two years ago, so I had my gallbladder removed. That was the biggest mistake of my life. I should not have done it. Because now, I’m worse off.

Since 2017, my health has been progressing into worse and worse problems, to the point that medications no longer work on me, save high doses of morphine. I'm not allowed to be on morphine, anymore, save dire emergencies in the ER (it's the only thing that stops the flare up). During these pain flare-ups, I want to die. I can't deal. I can't even think. All I can do is lie on the couch and cry, zoning out on YouTube. It's especially gotten worse since I quit smoking, but not enough to start, again.

The night I missed my niece being born, I broke. I lost it. I lost my patience with this illness of mine. I ended up missing one of the most important moments of her life, spending it in a hospital two hours away, being ignored and mistreated and mocked – and then ignored. It severed something mentally.

Since then, I haven't been okay.

I've ruined my own birthday, twice; the day of was spent sobbing over vaccinations. The day of the party was spent in misery, because the party had nothing to do with me – I was being used as a ruse to make it about Ellie – and when I left, the party went on without me – what I thought was the entire idea, that I'd been used for these reasons. And to be honest, I still don't know what happened after I left, because no one told me. No one thought to. No one cared enough to, it felt to me.

I started drifting more and more away, only now by people I speak to online, either through chat or phone calls. I stopped being able to deal with talking to people one-on-one, because emails gave me time to think about what I had to say, instead of speaking on the fly and hurting people. Only it still didn't work.

My depression was also getting worse. I needed more and more attention, more reassurance, in a world that is more and more making me feel adrift and left behind. When I was able to catch up, I merely discovered how much I kept missing, how happy people are without me around their ankle. I realised how many people I’ve been holding back for years, and it almost killed me.

I tried to explain it to those people I ignored, tried to explain that I’m broken, I’ll never be what they deserve or need, and that they need to walk lest I keep fucking them up further. I tried, but whatever I said was overlooked because I was a good person before now. I keep trying to explain that I’m not a good person, anymore, because the pain is making me insane, and I don't know how to deal with people, anymore, but… nobody's listening to me…

So this is my last try. This is what I should have said when any of you started to be my friends. Look at the people who've already walked, and you'll notice that I’m the common bad variable, and nothing else. I know that many of you want me to hang around because of what I was once like. And honestly, I miss what I was like back then, too.

But then, June 2017. It was the start of the end. The injections. The dozens and dozens of ER tests and humiliation and abuse. The money and ignorance of the hospital staffs (when told what to do to help and how fast it would help me if they just did it). People online, people offline, seeing me disabled and seeing a brat.

Over the past four years, I’ve been a part of the Undertale fandom, a game that saved my life and a fandom that kept me living, and I met so many of you, cared about so many of you – but somehow shoved you all away. The more you cared, the more I ran away.

Why? Because I deserve to be alone.

I've said this, many times, in different ways, but I’m told I’m wrong, when I’m right, and it hurts. So I stopped talking. I made it obvious that I’m not worth your time.

Because I didn't want to explain what was going on.

My medications aren't working, anymore, so they keep switching them. Now, they're switching my antidepressant, and it's… bad. It's very bad. I have to taper off my current med, then start from scratch with the new one, and the decrease is making my depression stronger. I haven't been able to speak on the phone or even go out (save mandatory doctor visits), and I keep taking everything personally and crying over everything. Three times, I’ve convinced myself that Terry is going to divorce me. It's bad.

Because of it, I don't know what's up or down, what's true or false, and no matter how much I trust someone, I still feel like all I am is someone to be pitied, and I would rather never be pitied, but either loved for who I am, or hated for that same reason.

And that's because I hate myself for feeling this way. I have been secluding myself to both punish myself and prove to you all how unreliable and gross I am.

A lot of you are younger than me, and have enough to deal with. I'm also aware that a lot of you are young enough to make your own decisions, especially when it comes to people. But what I’m doing is inappropriate. The things I complain and beg advice for are not appropriate. I treat you like shrinks, forgetting your age and your own lives and problems and issues.

It makes me sick, my selfishness. And I can't fucking deal with it.

So I’ve been staying away, save angry tweets and angrier YouTube comments. The rare times I reach out usually end worse off than when I did before I reached out, so I have learned not to.

And finally, for the very last time, I must say this: I know I am immature, I am stunted, I am behind the times, and I cannot fix it. I try to, by using all of you like the scumbag I am, and not bothering to listen to you or help you. I cry my problems, then run away the second you need me.

I'm so tired of it. I can't do this to people, anymore. I've been trying to gradually disappear, save stuff that keep me sane (fanfic and comics), and while many of you keep me sane, I’m tired of using you that way, too.

I know this is me mind-reading, as many of you will say. But, I’m sorry, this isn't that at all. This is me paying attention to what is being said and shown to me, and now, I get it.

Please, please, please stop insisting this isn't so. The fact that every time I mention it, it's left ignored, and often shamefully so, and that angers me. I pour my heart out, explain, answer the questions I’m being asked but it's ignored, only so that I can be asked for help that I just finished screaming myself raw that I can't help anyone the way I am, anymore.

My brain refuses to listen to kindness, anymore. It refuses to accept that anyone wants to bother with me, because on one hand, I’ve been given shameful proof that I’m absolutely right in my sad assessment. But on the other, I’m aware that a few of you are sincere, and do mean what you said.

But I can't tell the difference. I need help. I need real help, a kind that I need before I can even dream of being a good friend or a kind person to any of you. I can be nice, be complimentary, be honest in my affection and happy feelings for you, and all is sincere. But I have deep difficulty believing the same from you, to me, because of my pain and my depression. I know many of you with depression understand.

But why don't you give up on me…? Why can't you see that I’m right, that I don't blame you for giving up on me, because all I’ve been is a disgusting person, even at my most well-meaning.

I don't even know why I’m bothering posting this, here. I don't know why I’m posting it. I just think it's time to put words to feelings I couldn't put words to, before now.

I'm not trying to be friendless. But I’m trying to be worthy of friends. So far, I cannot see myself there, yet. So many of you have a real life to live, true futures within your grasps; what the hell are you doing still talking to some middle-aged pathetic loser and wasting your time on the internet that way? There are better places to visit on the internet than any place to do with me, personally.

I get wanting to want to read my bullshit stuff. I'm flattered. But no, you don't need to be my friends, no matter how pathetic or lonely I am. That's my problem, not yours. You are all young, and happy, and have your own hurdles to overcome. I write that stuff to provide an escape for you and for me. That's all that you need to know about me, really.

I'm not saying that you cannot be my friend anymore. I'm not saying you're not allowed to speak to me. I am saying that it might take me time to answer, or to do what you asked of me, etc. I am saying that thanks to my increasing mental illness, I am no longer a good person to be around, at least until the problem is rectified.

I actually don't know what I’m saying, honestly. I don't want to be alone, but I’m tired of bothering people who do. I don't like spending my days alone, but I don't want to harass people with better things to do. I'm tired of being what no one wants and tired of being unwanted once people discover the real me.

I'm a garbage person. I hate myself.

And you deserve not to have that in your life.

That's all.

I'm sorry.

#omoni gets personal #health #trigger warning: depression #trigger warning: suicidal ideation #trigger warning: chronic pain #trigger warning: self-hatred #i'm an asshole #i hate myself #please hate me too

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