#I’m just saying I don’t think we can judge by that

[tortillamastersblog]

➶The Bet - Part 2 | Kate Bishop➴

Pairing: Kate Bishop x reader

Warnings: angst

Summary: Being known as the quiet and reserved student, you mind your own business and stay out of people’s way.

Kate Bishop is the exact opposite. Outgoing, bubbly, and loud, she’s the definition of a popular girl, so it comes as a surprise when she asks you out on a random Thursday afternoon.

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After taking my headphones out, I unlock the front door of my apartment and step inside.

“Hey, are you making dinner?” I call out, taking off my running shoes. “It smells gre—EY!” I pull the damp dish towel that was just chucked at me off my face and glare at my roommate Riley. “What the hell?”

She’s standing in the hallway with her arms crossed. “You’ve been avoiding me for two days now, so, spill! What’s going on with you?”

I sigh and peel off my sweaty shirt, tossing it into the laundry room close by. “I haven’t been avoiding you. I’ve just been busy studying.”

Riley raises an eyebrow and uncrosses her arms. “We’re both majoring in Chemistry, Y/N, and there aren’t any exams coming up, so talk.”

I chuckle softly and brush past her to see what she’s been up to in the kitchen. “I hate how well you know me.”

Simmering in a pot on the stove is a delicious smelling chili and I can’t help but grab a spoon to try some. Before I can lower the spoon into the pot though, Riley snatches it out of my hand.

“Nope. You don’t get to eat until you tell me what you’re trying to hide,” she scolds and I bite the inside of my cheek, thinking about how I’m going to handle this.

The reason I haven’t told her about Kate yet is because she’ll lecture me about why I shouldn’t have agreed to go out with her in the first place.

Riley knows me better than anyone and she’ll point out all the reasons why Kate and I won’t work, and I just don’t want to deal with all that when I’m only starting to get to know Kate.

We’ve gotten coffee every day since our first date two days ago and we have a dinner scheduled at her place tomorrow night.

We haven’t held hands, or kissed yet, but I can see us heading in that direction and I don’t want anyone to interfere. Especially not Riley even though she’s only trying to look out for me.

“Well. . .” I place my hand on the counter and trace the pattern of the marble with my finger. “I’ve been kind of going out with Kate Bishop and I didn’t tell you because I was scared you were going to judge me for it.”

Riley doesn’t say anything, so when I look up I’m surprised to find her looking at me with furrowed eyebrows. “Why would you think I’d judge you for that? I’ve been telling you to get yourself out there for a while now.”

She sounds genuinely hurt that I didn’t tell her which makes me feel somewhat guilty. “No, I know you would never judge me for dating, but I’m not just seeing anyone. This is Kate Bishop we’re talking about and—“

“Okay, yes, it is a little unusual that you’re going out with her of all people,” she admits, handing back my spoon so I can finally taste the chili, “but who am I to tell you what to do? Does she make you happy?”

I smile instinctively, thinking about the time I’ve spent with Kate so far. “She does.” I blush a little and smile softly. “She’s funny and kind, and I honestly don’t mind how bubbly she is. It’s actually quite endearing.”

I’m usually not a fan of loud and energetic people, but I don’t mind it when it comes to her.

“Oh my God.” Riley laughs and slaps me with another dish towel. “Look at you, you’re absolutely smitten with her!”

My blush intensifies and I take the towel away from her. “I am not!”

“Sure, you’re not.“ She cackles and I just roll my eyes, turning away to finally try the chili.

“This is great.” I nod in approval and turn back around to find Riley still grinning like a kid in a candy store. “Oh, shut up!“

“What?!” She shrugs. “I didn’t even say anything.”

I narrow my eyes. “Mhmm. But you wanted to, you little shit. . . I’m going to take a shower now.”

She laughs, but doesn’t say anything else, so I turn around and leave with a small smile on my face.

Even though she can be super annoying, she’s like a sister to me and I wouldn’t change her for the world.

I fidget with the tulips in my left hand and the bottle of wine in my right, waiting anxiously for Kate to open the door.

It’s five minutes to seven and I know I’m early because we agreed I’d be here at seven, but it’s better to be a little early than a little too late.

Riley told me to get Kate some real flowers this time rather than just a paper flower after I told her about our coffee date which is why I swung by a florist on the way here.

I didn’t want to get her roses because that’s just a little too on the nose for me, so the choice was between carnations and tulips. In the end, I went with the pink and purple tulips because I noticed purple is her favorite color.

“Y/N, hey!”

My head snaps up at the sound of Kate’s breathless voice and when my eyes land on her I can’t help but smile. She’s dressed casually, wearing jeans and a purple sweater and even though she’s trying to seem calm I can tell she’s a little breathless, probably because she had to rush to the door.

“Hi, you look nice.” I compliment after clearing my throat. Then I raise the bouquet of tulips and the bottle of wine, adding, “I come bearing gifts.”

That makes her laugh as she steps aside to let me into the apartment. “I told you not to bring anything.”

I smile at her and feel butterflies in my stomach when I notice her ears turning red. “I know, but it’s not polite to show up somewhere empty handed, so. . . These are for you.” I hold out the flowers once she’s closed the door behind us.

Kate’s eyes dart back and forth between me and the flowers before hesitantly reaching for them. “You got me flowers?” she whispers and I’m not sure why, but her voice is laced with disbelief and sorrow.

I frown and let her take them from me, trying to momentarily ignore how my hand tingles when her fingers brush against it. “I— Yeah, I thought you might like them, but if you don’t I can just—“

“No, no, no.” She shakes her head and looks at me with a pained smile. “I like them. They’re beautiful, it’s just. . . “

“It’s just. . .?” I raise an eyebrow and wait for her to go on, but she just studies me with a strange look in her eyes.

It’s almost as if she’s sad about something, but then she exhales shakily and puts on a smile. “Forget about it. They are beautiful. Thank you.”

What was that?! Did I do something wrong? I knew I shouldn’t have listened to Riley! She hates the flowers! Shit.

“Uh— Okay. . . You’re welcome, I guess,” I stammer, wishing the ground would just open up beneath me and swallow me whole.

Seemingly unaware of the sudden tension, Kate puts the flowers down on the dresser next to us before taking the wine out of my hands as well so it’s easier for me to take off my jacket.

“So, tell me what’s new. What have you been up to today?“ she asks casually while I take off my jacket.

Okay, I guess we’re moving on from whatever the hell that just was. . .

“Nothing much,” I say honestly. “I went for a run and helped my roommate Riley install some new bookshelves. What about you?”

Kate takes my jacket and puts it in the closet while I toe off my wet boots. It rained earlier today and even though it stopped a while ago, the streets are still wet and I don’t want to ruin her floors by keeping my shoes on.

“I had fencing practice this morning and then I hung out with Greer and Franny,” she says, picking up the tulips and handing me the bottle of wine. “They told me to say hi by the way.”

I smile at that and try not to combust when Kate takes a hold of my hand and pulls me into the living room.

I’ve never actually spoken to Greer and Franny, but I know they’re Kate’s friends and ever since she asked me out they greet me in the hallways with knowing smiles.

“Alright.” Kate stops in the kitchen and drops my hand to put the flowers into a vase. “I’m a horrible cook, so I thought we could order some dinner and then maybe watch a movie?”

“Sounds like a plan.” I smile and watch her grab a bottle opener from a drawer, “but I thought you invited me over so we could cook something together?”

That is exactly what she said when we made tonight’s plans and even though I’m fine with just ordering in, I want to know what’s changed, or why she asked to cook together in the first place.

Kate hands me the bottle opener and smiles sheepishly. “I know. I thought cooking together would be kind of cute and you agreed, but then I remembered I can’t cook after you’d already left and I didn’t want to change our plans again and—“

“Kate,” I say, my voice laced with amusement. “It’s okay. I don’t mind. I just wanted to know.”

Worried blue eyes meet my own and when I smile again, she relaxes and pushes two empty wine glasses toward me. “Right. Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” I reassure her and open the wine before filling each of our glasses. “So, what did you have in mind? Pizza?”

She nods and grabs a takeout menu off the fridge. “Yeah, there’s this great place around the corner that makes the best pizza’s in the city. I know the owner and every time I order something he makes sure to put an extra helping of cheese on the pizza.“

I smile at how excited she looks and tell her to just order whatever she wants.

“Are you sure? I usually just get a cheese pizza. If that’s too boring though we can—“

Here she goes again, rambling like there’s no tomorrow.

I put my hand over her fidgeting one on the counter which makes her shut up immediately. I’ve never initiated a touch before and as soon as our eyes connect I can’t remember why.

“I told you, I’m fine with whatever, so if you want cheese pizza, order cheese pizza,” I say quietly without breaking eye contact.

It makes Kate gulp before she nods slowly. “Okay.” Her blue eyes dart between my own and for a split second they even drop to my lips.

Knowing it’s too early in the night for a kiss though, I take my hand back and lift my glass of wine. “Cheers?”

It takes a moment for Kate to recover, but once she’s snapped out of her trance she grabs her own wine and we clink glasses. “Cheers.”

We both take a sip and I watch how Kate’s eyes widen slightly at the taste of the wine as soon as it hits her tongue. She glances at the bottle before looking back at me with raised eyebrows. “How much did you pay for that bottle?” she asks.

I just shrug and take another sip before answering. “Nothing. It was a gift from my dad. It’s been collecting dust on my shelf ever since he died because there was never an occasion to open it until now.“

Kate chokes slightly and sets the glass down. Her eyes fill with the same strange emotion as before when I gave her the flowers and I don’t like it, not one bit.

Nevertheless, I ask her if she’s okay, but she just waves me off.

“I’m fine. I’m okay.” She doesn’t look at me though and picks up her phone and the takeout menu. “Why don’t you pick out a movie while I order dinner? I’m fine with whatever as long as it’s not a horror movie.“

I frown and watch her, but she refuses to meet my eyes, so I agree. “O-Okay.”

“My laptop is on the bed upstairs. The password is 1234,” she says, dialing the number of the restaurant.

Trying to lighten the mood again I joke and say, “That’s not a very secure password for someone whose family owns a security company,” but Kate doesn’t react the way she normally would.

She barely even smiles and I take that as my cue to just leave her alone for the time being.

What is going on? It seems like I keep saying the wrong thing. . .

I brush it off as best as I can and just climb the stairs up to the loft where I find Kate’s laptop on her bed. Not sure where she wants to watch the movie, I take a seat on the edge of the unmade bed and open her laptop.

I put in the password and open Netflix, scrolling through some movies while she orders the pizza downstairs.

“Pizza’s gonna be here in twenty minutes,” she says, coming up the stairs after hanging up. She’s acting like nothing happened again which is a little irritating, but I don’t want it to spoil our time together, so I let it slide. Again. “Have you picked a movie yet?”

I turn the computer and show her what I chose. “Is this okay?”

Kate beams and jumps on the bed. “Yes! I love Grown Ups! C’mere.” She pats the space beside her and I join her on the bed properly, leaning back against the headboard.

I’m about to start the movie, when Kate jumps to her feet again with an apologetic smile. “Hold on.”

She darts down the stairs and comes back up a couple of seconds later with our wine glasses and the bottle of wine in hand. She puts everything on the nightstand before climbing over me to her side of the bed.

It makes me hold my breath until she’s settled in next to me. “Ready?” I ask, my voice a little gruff.

Kate doesn’t notice the effect she has on me and nods before resting her head on my shoulder. “Yup.”

I press play and try to focus on the opening credits of the movie, but her head on my shoulder is making me nervous.

It’s a good kind of nervous, one I haven’t felt in a long time, but I’m nervous nonetheless and it doesn’t help when Kate, after ten minuets, brushes her fingers over the inside of my wrist.

I glance at her and see she’s focused on the movie, so I try to do the same, but then her touch drifts lower, across the palm of my hand until she slips her fingers between my own.

It makes my breath hitch, and Kate goes to pull her hand back, but I hold onto it and run my thumb over the back of her own.

Satisfied, she sighs quietly and leans against me and continues watching the movie.

I try to focus on the movie as well but all I can concentrate on is her hand in my own, her head on my shoulder, and the sound of her soft laugh every time something funny happens on screen.

I take note of how she smells, an intoxicating mix of expensive perfume and vanilla body wash, and admire the way some strands of her black hair have escaped her ponytail and are now framing her face.

She’s absolutely breathtaking and even though I’ve known she’s beautiful ever since I met her, I’ve never actually looked at her, like, really looked at her like this.

It’s only when Kate squeezes my hand that I realize I’ve been caught staring and I quickly look away, pretending to focus on the movie.

Seemingly not wanting to let it go though, Kate moves even closer and whispers, “Are you okay?”

“Mhmm.” I don’t dare to speak because I’m sure my voice would fail me right now if I tried. I can feel my neck heating up and force myself to keep staring at the laptop screen.

“You sure?” she whispers again and when I only nod in reply, she shifts closer and turns her head so I’m forced to look at her.

The intensity of her blue eyes in the low light makes my mouth go dry and I swallow harshly to get rid of the nervousness bubbling up in my throat.

“I’m sure,” I croak, but I’m anything but okay when her gaze, for the second time tonight, drops to my lips.

This is it. . .

I swallow again and let my own eyes dart down to her lips. “Can I—“ kiss you?

I don’t get to finish my question because the sound of the doorbell ringing cuts me off.

Kate and I jump apart and I blink rapidly to gather my thoughts while Kate scrambles over me to go downstairs and open the door.

Holy shit, we almost kissed! Kate Bishop almost kissed me?!

I run my fingers through my hair and close my eyes for a moment before grabbing my phone to distract myself.

Rye (7:17 PM)

How’s it going? Did she like the flowers?

Rye (7:23 PM)

Are you like making out? Is that why you haven’t answered me yet?

Rye (7:25 PM)

You guys are totally making out right now. I’m so jealous. I should ask Chad to come over. . .

I roll my eyes and smile at her messages before typing a quick response.

You (7:27 PM)

You’re such an idiot.

No, we’re not making out, we’re just watching a movie. Get your mind out of the gutter, pervert.

DON’T text Chad, Riley! That guy is a fuckboy who left you in tears the last time you saw him.

Riley reads my messages and immediately starts typing a response and because Kate’s still talking to the delivery guy downstairs, I don’t put my phone down just yet.

Rye (7:27 PM)

You’re so lame but I know you’re right. I’m not going to text him

Not because I don’t want to but because I don’t want you to hit him again

I roll my eyes, remembering how she couldn’t stop me from punching Chad in the face when he showed up at our apartment to get Riley back after cheating on her.

I’m usually not the confrontational type, I mean, I barely even speak to anyone except Riley, but after they broke up, Riley was devastated and I just had to do something when he showed up drunk and tried to push past me to get to her.

Rye (7:28 PM)

As for you and Kate though. . . Just kiss already!

I know you want to I can see it in your eyes when you talk about her ;)

You (7:28 PM)

Oookay, that’s enough. I’m putting my phone down now.

I’ll be home around ten.

DON’T TEXT CHAD!

I see Riley typing something else, but I turn off my phone before she hits send because I hear Kate making her way back up the stairs.

The tension from before is gone, but she still smiles shyly when our eyes connect.

“How much do I owe you?” I ask when she gets back on the bed with the pizza box in hand.

I guess we’re eating in bed. . .

I couldn’t deal with any crumbs in my own bed, but if Kate doesn’t mind, I won’t object.

“Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s on me,” she says, opening the box and offering me a slice.

I raise an eyebrow and take it, making sure to eat over the box as much as possible to prevent too many crumbs from landing on the bed. “Kate—“

She shakes her head and takes a big bite of her own slice. “Nope, you brought flowers and expensive wine and you payed for all my coffees so far. The least I can do is pay for a pizza.” I go to object again, but she just shakes her head again and presses a finger to my lips. “Hush now. Let’s continue watching the movie.”

I nod dumbly, and absentmindedly touch my tingling lips when she takes her finger away to start the movie again.

We eat in silence, actually watching the movie until the pizza is gone and we’re both full. I take the box off her lap and put it on the ground next to the bed before grabbing my glass of wine and taking a sip.

“You want some, too?” I ask and when she nods I hand her her own glass after topping it off.

She smiles in thanks and takes a big sip, her eyes lingering on me a moment longer than necessary before she goes back to watching the movie.

All of a sudden, the tension is back and I once again struggle to focus on the movie. She is just too damn distracting and when her hand brushes against mine I jump slightly and down the rest of my wine.

Kate chuckles softly at my reaction and empties her own glass before placing it on the nightstand on her side of the bed.

Then, she does something that almost makes my heart flatline. She takes the laptop off my thighs and sets it on the bed next to her before throwing her leg over my hips and straddling my lap.

My eyes widen and I stare at her slack-jawed. The movie is now completely forgotten and all I can focus on is the weight of her on me and the way she sets her hands on my shoulders.

“Kate. . .” I say, my voice low and scratchy.

“Yes?” she smirks, obviously knowing exactly what kind of effect she has on me as she moves her hands to touch the side of my neck and the underside of my jaw.

Just kiss already!

Riley’s text flashes through my mind and I hesitantly place my hands on Kate’s thighs.

My breath is coming out in uneven bursts and it takes everything in me not to just lean up and brush my lips against hers.

“Can I—“ I clear my throat, transfixed by the blue eyes darting all over my face. “Can I kiss you?”

No turning back now.

Kate’s smirk turns into a shy smile and she nods, cupping my cheeks. “I thought you’d never ask,” she mumbles and I lean up, brushing my lips against hers.

For a second neither of us moves, but then Kate tentatively moves her lips against mine and my stomach fills with butterflies. I close my eyes and kiss her back, tasting the wine she had just a moment ago on her lips.

It’s thrilling and intoxicating and I can’t help but groan when she shifts on my lap and deepens the kiss by running her tongue over my bottom lip.

My grip on her thighs tightens and when she allows me to slip my tongue into her mouth, I wrap my arms around her lower back and pull her closer.

“Fuck, you’re good,” Kate pants against my mouth and moves one of her hands to the back of my neck to pull me even closer.

I just continue kissing her, not knowing what to respond to that, and delight in the way her breath hits my lips every now and then.

Kissing her is even better than I imagined and I feel a shiver run up my spine when she moans softly against my lips when my fingers dig into her lower back.

“Shit.” She curses softly when I trail my lips down her neck, biting softly every now and then before running my tongue over the affected skin.

I’m not planning on going any further than this because I’m not ready to take that step yet, but Kate seems to think otherwise because when I move up to kiss her lips again, her hands slide down my chest and she grabs a hold of the bottom of my shirt, pulling it up.

I break the kiss with furrowed eyebrows and grab her hands. “Wait, I-I can’t do this.”

Realizing her mistake, Kate pulls her hands back with a guilty look on her face. “Right. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I-I got caught up in the moment. I’m sorry.”

I sigh and grab her hands again, lacing our fingers together. I’m not mad at her, not at all. It’s actually quite flattering that she wants to do more, but I’m just not ready yet. “Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to apologize, but. . . Let’s just take it slow, okay?”

She nods, embarrassed, and looks away, so I let go of one of her hands and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Kate, look at me.” I dip my head to catch her eye and smile when she finally looks at me. “It’s okay. We’re okay. I’m not mad, I swear. I like you, a lot—“ her lips twitch shyly and I don’t miss the way her ears turn red—“ and I want to go there with you eventually just. . . not now, okay?”

I squeeze her hand reassuringly and run my thumb over her cheek until she nods.

“Good, now. . . Where were we?” I smile cheekily and tilt my head up until I feel her breath on my lips, giving her the chance to initiate another kiss if she wants to.

Letting go of my hand so she can wrap her arms around my neck, Kate pecks my lips before resting her forehead against mine. “I like you too and. . . I know you told me not to apologize, but I am sorry. I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable and I don’t mind waiting for you.”

I swallow thickly and press a kiss to the corner of her lips before hiding my face in the crook of her neck. My ex always used sex against me, guilting me into it to make herself feel better, so this kind of understanding makes me emotional. “Thank you.”

Kate holds me closer for a couple of minutes until her phone rings.

She pulls it put of her back pocket and glances at the screen. “That’s my mom,” she says with a sheepish smile. “I’m sorry, but I should answer. I told her not to call unless it was important.”

I nod and let her get off my lap, watching her go downstairs to answer the call after giving me another quick kiss.

Once she’s gone, I chuckle in disbelief and close my eyes.

She likes me. She kissed me. . .

I feel myself smiling at the memory of her lips on mine and open my eyes again to grab the laptop and pause the movie we completely forgot about.

As I go to pause it though, a message pops up in the upper right corner of the screen and I can’t help but read it.

Greer @FKG (8:01 PM)

So?! What’s happening, Kate? How’s the date going?

I blush at the message, realizing her phone is connected to her computer. It’s a little embarrassing that Kate’s friends know about us spending the evening together, but it’s not like we’re a secret, so I should have expected she’d tell them.

Franny @FKG (8:01 PM)

I bet it’s going well. Have you guys kissed yet?

My cheeks heat up even more, but then another message pops up and it makes my heart sink.

Greer @FKG (8:02 PM)

I sure hope so! I have a lot of money riding on this. Remember @Kate, if you hook up Franny owes both of us fifty bucks ;)

Franny @FKG (8:02 PM)

Fifty?! I thought we said twenty!

Greer @FKG (8:02 PM)

Nu-uh! We said twenty if they kiss on the first date and fifty if they hook up within a week.

I slam the laptop shut, not wanting to read any more and try to blink back the tears pricking my eyes.

Of course all of this was too good to be true. . . I mean, what could Kate Bishop possibly want from someone like me? I should have seen this coming when she asked me out.

I feel like a fool for not realizing that all of this was just a game to her and get off the bed just as she comes back up the stairs.

My hands are shaking and I feel sick, realizing that I have to get out of here as quickly as possible.

Maybe Riley should have judged me and told me it was a bad idea because I would have listened to her, but no, she just had to be supportive. . .

I don’t blame Riley, not really, because she thought I finally found someone who actually makes me happy. Hell, I thought I found someone who makes me happy, but as it turns out we both thought wrong.

“Can you believe it? My mom called because she wanted to ask me to join her for lunch tomorrow. I swear, I told her not to call unless. . .” Kate trails off when she notices the tears in my eyes. “Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

She lifts a hand to touch my cheek but I step back, wiping at a tear that managed to escape my eye.“Don’t touch me.” I hiss through gritted teeth, grabbing my phone off the nightstand.

Her eyes widen in surprise and she drops her hand again, her eyebrows furrowing. “Okay. . . Uh— What happened?”

I scoff and clench my jaw.

I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.

Sniffling slightly, I go to brush past her and leave, but she grabs my wrist even though I explicitly told her not to touch me.

“Hey, what’s going on? Where are you going?” she asks, her blue eyes full of worry.

“Let go.” My voice is dangerously low and when I couple it with a glare, Kate immediately lets go.

I watch as her worry gets replaced by confusion before finally stepping past her.

“Wait, where are you going?” she asks, daring to follow me down the stairs.

I make my way to the front door without answering and bend down to slip my shoes on.

I’m never going on a date again. I’ll just lock myself in my room for the rest of my life and die alone.

I get back up and open the closet to grab my jacket, only to freeze mid reach when Kate snaps at me.

“Hey!”

I turn around slowly and ball my hands into fists, seeing the immediate regret on Kate’s face when our eyes meet.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap it’s just— One moment we were fine, kissing and cuddling and drinking wine, and the next you’re storming out without even telling me why. . .” She sounds and looks desperate, her voice low and pleading.

I blink away a new wave of tears and stop glaring at her to show her how I actually feel, how hurt I am by what she did. “Why? Because you and your friends made a fucking bet, that’s why!” I shout, my voice breaking. “Twenty dollars for kissing me on the first date and fifty for fucking me within the span of a week, right?”

Kate eyes widen and she steps back as though I just slapped her. “H-How—?“

Hot tears stream down my cheeks and I don’t even bother to wipe them away anymore.

She’s not even trying to deny it.

“It doesn’t matter how I know,” I cry, interrupting her. “You used me, Kate! Do you know how that makes me feel?! I thought you were sweet and that you genuinely liked me, so I stepped out of my comfort zone and said yes when you asked me out, but it turns out you’re just like everyone else. You’re selfish and cruel, and I regret not walking out on you when you approached me in the library four days ago.”

I take a shaky breath and force myself not to feel guilty when I see the regret and devastation on her face. She’s crying as well now, but even though I hate seeing her like this, I don’t apologize and I don’t move to comfort her.

She should be the one apologizing!

“Y/N. . .” Shee steps closer and lifts her hands as if to touch me, but I take a step back and shake my head.

“No, just. . .don’t.” I take my jacket out of the closet and put it on. “I don’t ever want to speak to you again, Kate. Good night.”

I open the front door with shaking hands and step outside, ignoring the sobs that echo down the hall as I make my way to the elevator.

So much for getting myself out there again. . .

_______________________________________________

Phew, that was a long one. Hope you guys enjoyed it! It was definitely fun to write.

I still don’t know how I’m going to end this little fic, but the third and last part will hopefully be out this same time next week.

I’m super busy studying at the moment, so it’s difficult to find the time and energy to write, but I’m trying my best.

Love,

Soph <3

[ko-existing]

https://www.tumblr.com/ko-existing/766133693448372224/httpswwwtumblrcomko-existing7661320713789440?source=share

Ko, please, how do I stop being so desire driven? I’m not asking this as a lesson, but more like a genuine advice from person to person. I’m 100% this is what keeps me from truly seeing the bigger picture.

I tried many times to just let go and not care about outcomes or read the lessons thinking “yeah, this will make me get the things”, but I can’t. Even if I try to convince myself there’s something deep down saying I clearly still only care about the outcomes. It’s tiring not only because it keeps me walking in circles, but also because I experience episodes of pure joy cause “yes, I can get it, it’s easy” and then ones of pure depression thinking “this is bullshit, you’re understanding it all wrong and won’t get anything, deal with it. You’ll never get anything.” It’s always the extremes, you know? 08 or 80.

I tried to simply step back of everything and just move on with the knowledge I’ve got to see if my mind and thought process unfolds naturally and I stop feeling this incessant seeking for finally KNOWING true self instead of seeing as a belief, but I always end up falling on that depression phase and constant need for reassurance that “yes, you’ll get it”, but as you know, it never leads me to nowhere when I’m constantly reading, and asking, and seeking.

You say “step back and ponder” and say that when we encounter the silence it should be enough, but for me somehow is not and it frustrates me because logically should be enough, I mean, I’m literally being left with the nothingness, what else could I possibly need to understand, right?

I just wanna stop feeling limited, trapped and suffering and most importantly, I want to stop being the cause of all of this suffering. But I placed my desires as the ultimate happiness and this constant feeling of separation never goes away. Why is so simply to read and understand “everything is formless”, but when actually “practicing” and applying seems so absurd? God, I’ve been this way this whole year and I’m so sick of it.

To answer genuinely—you're thinking too much.

If you’re feeling caught in this cycle of extreme highs and lows, it might help to try sitting with your thoughts in a more observing way, which can give you a clearer view of what’s driving the whole process. And no, IT IS NOT A NECESSITY. It's a help to watch without getting lost in thoughts but it is NOT A MUST.

I've been on tumblr long enough to know what to expect from other anons reading this like "i thought meditation is not nevessary". No one is saying throw on an orange robe, head off to the himalayan mountains to sit on a rock in a cave, drink Bo cha, chew on Chülen, start fasting and chant " ཨོཾ་མ་ཎི་པདྨེ་ཧཱུྃ" (om mani padme hum) around the clock like it's your monastic lifestyle job.

So, again, I'm not saying this is a necessity or a “must-do”. Meditating, or simply Noticing, can help you see your thoughts without getting so wrapped up in each one—nothing more. There are different options like listening to a guided one or just background music/sounds like rain. I personally like it. So, If it helps, it helps. If it doesn't, see what does.

I've also been on Tumblr long enough to know how quickly people start labeling everything as a “method” or a requirement, so just to be clear again: I’m not saying any of that!

The main thing here is to relax this intense drive for outcomes. You can actually start looking at these desire-driven thoughts as just “passing content”—and yes, this practice can help. When a thought like “I need this outcome to be happy” pops up, instead of believing it automatically, you could take a step back and notice that it’s just a thought arising out of nowhere and passing into nowhere. Watching thoughts like this reminds you they don’t define you and have no reality to them.

Also, see if you can bring your attention back to what’s here without needing to grasp, judge, or chase. Every time you relax that urge for outcome, you’re giving yourself a chance to rest in something that isn’t tied to outcomes at all. " ".

Experience what’s beyond the cycle of “wanting” and “fearing.” Keep it simple, remember it’s a gentle, easy redirection rather than some heavy practice. Never force anything. If you don't want to do it, don't. And never overconsume.

[ladykailitha]

Around the World Part 6

Hello! And welcome to another chapter of this very underrated fic. Thank you to everyone who has given it love in the way of comments, reblogs/tags, and likes.

It's London calling! And we meet a Murray Bauman in the wild. Eddie and Steve get a little introspective and Steve does something rash.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

~

Their trip through the haunting and beautiful Ireland was amazing. So many tales and history. This is why Steve wanted to do more than just America like Eddie had originally wanted, because America just didn’t have the history Europe and other places did. Not unless you wanted to disturb actual First Nation people and that was something he wanted to avoid at all cost, thank you.

They were on the ferry from Northern Ireland to Scotland and Steve was looking out over his shoulder at the water as he leaned against the guardrail. He tilted his head back and closed his eyes, allowing the wind to blow through his hair.

Eddie slid his arm around him and Steve laid his head on his shoulder.

Today Eddie had his beard and faux-dreadlocks in a light blue button up shirt and cream colored wide-legged pants. His chunky sunglasses covered the his face.

“You know,” Eddie murmured, “until we reached this leg of our journey and you started to disguise me, I didn’t realize how much I missed just being Eddie Munson, regular guy. I can really see the appeal of you and friends’ way of doing it.”

“Yeah,” Steve said softly. “Of course it means that we can’t go all out and buy everything we want, stay in fancy hotels, show up at restaurants without a reservation and get in. But I can go into my local grocery store and buy two tubs of mint ice cream because I felt like it.” He lifted his head to look Eddie in the eye. “Like some Karen would judge me, but it’s not going to go up on TMZ that I’m letting myself go.”

God, Eddie had had that happen more times than he cared to count. Like once Chrissy was on her period and he went to go get her chocolate, Ben and Jerry’s, and pads. Before he even got to his car it was all over the internet that he was letting himself go, just because it was 2am and his best friend needed something to help her feel better.

“You think you’ll ever come out?” he asked, pulling Steve in closer.

It was a familiar and well-worn topic of theirs; whether or not Steve would ever come out as bisexual at least.

He ducked his head and looked away. He didn’t know. He didn’t like hiding parts of himself for those he loved. He would like to tell people this is the love of my life.

“Would you leave me if I said no?” he mumbled, not daring to look up.

Eddie placed his finger under Steve’s chin and lifted his head gently. “Of course not, Stevie. There are literal actors who have been married for years and no one knows. It’s just between them. We could do that too. Just a quiet ceremony, Robin and Chrissy as the witnesses, and a justice of the peace.”

Steve let out a weak sort of watery laugh and shook his head. “I want all our friends there, famous and otherwise. I want a full tilt party with music playing into the early hours of the morning. I want fancy tuxes and flowers galore. I know I might not get that, the absolute coward that I am. But if I marry you, it be to scream from the rooftops that I love you.”

Eddie bumped their shoulders together. “Softy.” Steve blushed. “Besides there is nothing in the world that says we can’t have it both ways. Have a quiet little ‘just us’ and then go full tilt when you come out. You don’t even have to tell anyone. Just a little comfort that I’m not going anywhere.”

Steve pressed a gentle kiss to Eddie’s cheek. “I’ll think about it.”

Eddie kissed him deeply and then tucked his head under his chin and they stayed like that until the ferry docked in Scotland.

~

God, Scotland and England were beautiful countries Eddie decided as he watched the rolling green hills from his train window. That was another thing he really liked about Europe in general, just all the different ways to travel that weren’t a car.

He looked over at Steve who had his glasses on and reading a book. He smiled at the title. His boyfriend wasn’t a fantasy fan or science fiction either, really, but put a clever mystery in his hands and you would have to pry to the book from his cold, dead fingers.

He glanced over at Chrissy and Robin who were playing Go Fish! They had asked him if he wanted to join them, but he passed. He rarely got time to just relax and watch the scenery go by when he was on tour. He was always doing something related to the band. Writing music, practicing, talking about the next venue, interview, or TV spot.

Him and his friends had fun, because of course they did. But it was nice to just let his mind wander. Currently he was sad that they were going to have to miss Wales this time. He really wanted to buy some Welsh gold jewelry. It’s super rare and absolutely gorgeous.

Maybe he would have to come back later and get something special for Steve. Just something simple like matching bands even if it wasn’t on the left hand. Or necklaces. Just something simple to prove they were it for each other.

“I made an appointment with a well-known tattoo artist in London,” Steve said nonchalant, but like he was reading Eddie’s thoughts.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to Steve. Robin nearly giving herself whiplash in her speed.

“As your friend, manager, and platonic soulmate,” she said darkly, “I advise against that. You can cover it up but someone, somewhere will see it.”

Steve looked up from his book and leveled her with his best bitchy glare. “Not if it’s on my ass.”

Chrissy and Eddie’s eyebrows shot up and they shared a shocked glance. Eddie always loved tattoos, he had a couple of stick and poke style ones from when he was young and stupid and couldn’t afford to pay for an artist to do the job, but there was one place, well technically two if you included his dick, which he absolutely did, that he refused to get a tattoo on and that was his ass. Not being able to sit down properly for what would probably be weeks was not his idea of a good time.

“Not really, though, right?” Chrissy asked with a grimace.

Steve took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Of course not really. Sheesh, you guys. But I hid fucking hickies from the both of you for a year and you never noticed, so I’m pretty sure I can hide one fucking tattoo.”

Robin and Chrissy shared their little ‘manager’ glance and Chrissy folded first.

“You’re right, Steve,” she said calmly. “Not once did you forget or slip up and you should be applauded for that. But is there a reason you’re deciding to get a tattoo now instead of waiting until we’re back in the States and you can use Eddie’s personal artist?”

He looked over at Robin and their little telepathy thing went off again and this time Robin folded first.

“It’s for Eddie,” she murmured. “They can’t be out as a couple and with Steve being the romantic that he is, wouldn’t want to get married without all his friends there, so this is his way of telling Eddie he isn’t going anywhere either.”

Eddie blinked for a moment. “Do you think they take walk-ins?”

“I booked it for both of us.” Steve smiled at him and took his hand. Eddie beamed back at him.

“They are so disgustingly cute,” Robin huffed, crossing her arms. “I bet Steve has this really sweet idea for a tattoo that even if people do notice it they won’t be able to tell the meaning but he and Eddie will know and be so sickeningly precious about it.”

Eddie gave him a huge kiss on the cheek. “I love my super clever boyfriend and can’t wait to see what this brilliant plan is.”

~

Steve’s brilliant plan was half of a white mask on Eddie’s inner wrist and half of guitar on Steve’s and when they held hands it formed almost heart.

The tattoo artist was really impressed with the idea and was more than happy to implement it. Steve walked out of there, completely smug as Chrissy pointed out. Deservedly so.

They were to stay in London for three days because of all the haunted places in London alone, there were so many worth visiting. They were going to start at Jack the Ripper tour and move onto the tour of London.

The tour they learned with deep dismay had accidentally been scheduled at 2pm and not 2am like Eddie had thought it said. It was so boring and their tour guide so dull, Eddie accidentally tripped of one of those concrete pillars they had in the middle of the sidewalk to prevent cars from driving up on it.

“Oof!” Eddie wheezed as he straightened up. “Why do they even put those things here?”

“Chrissy Cunningham,” a nasally voice said from behind them. “What are you doing in my neck of the woods?”

They all turned slowly to see a weaselly little bald man with thick horn-rimmed glass.

“Holy shit,” Chrissy said slowly. “Murray Bauman, as I live and breath. What the hell are you doing in London?”

He shrugged. “Eking out a living doing tours for bored tourists. When the biggest metal band in the world drops you, so does everyone else.”

Chrissy and Eddie shared a grimace. Corroded Coffin had deliberately did that to Nancy after the shit she pulled with Steve and trying to be The Fallen’s agent. But this one was a complete accident.

“Oh fuck off,” Robin said with a grin. “You love it. I can tell. You have actual notes written down, you have a map marked with all the spots the murders take place. I bet you have all the great stories.”

Murray flushed and cocked his head to the side. “I mean I didn’t want to brag. But yeah, certainly better than Molly over there.” He jutted his thumb at their tour guide. “Most of the good ones are from tour companies and then you get people like Molly who make it look legit online and trick people into taking day tours.”

“God, I was so bored,” Eddie huffed, shoving his hands into his pockets, “I felt jet lagged.”

Murray’s eyes instantly narrowed and cocked his head to the side and instantly everyone else tensed up. He took in their reactions and mimed zipping his mouth shut.

“I’ll tell you what,” he said, “if you’re still in town tomorrow, meet me here at 9pm and I’ll give you a proper tour.”

Chrissy licked her lips slowly. “Or what?”

“Huh?” He was confused for a moment before he smacked his forehead. “Oh! No, no. I’m not going to blackmail you. Holy shit. If people want to enjoy a vacation without all the publicity, good on them.” He looked Eddie up and down. “Looks good on you kid.”

Eddie was suddenly glad for the large sunglasses and beard because it hid the blush on his cheeks.

“No, I’m just saying,” Murray continued, “that if you wanted to experience a proper Jack the Ripper tour, I’m willing to do it. I don’t have a tour currently booked and beside I like her.” He pointed at Robin, who grinned back him.

The four them all shared glances at each other.

“I’m down,” Steve said with a shrug. “If you’re as good as you say you are and aren’t trying to actively ‘get back’ at Chrissy for taking your job, I know I’d be interested in seeing what Whitechapel has to offer after dark.”

“I like him too,” Murray said brightly, rubbing his hands together. “So what do the rest of you say?”

“Aye, aye, Captain!” Steve’s three menaces said together.

He just smiled fondly and shook his head.

~

Tag List: CLOSED

1- @mira-jadeamethyst @rozzieroos @itsall-taken @redfreckledwolf @zerokrox-blog

2- @gregre369 ​@a-little-unsteddie @chaosgremlinmunson @messrs-weasley @val-from-lawrence

3- @goodolefashionedloverboi @carlyv @wonderland-girl143-blog @irregular-child @blondie1006

4- @yikes-a-bee @bookworm0690 @anne-bennett-cosplayer @awkwardgravity1 @littlewildflowerkitten

5- @genderless-spoon @y4r3luv @dragonmama76 @ellietheasexylibrarian @thedragonsaunt

6- @disrespectedgoatman @dawners @thespaceantwhowrites @tinyplanet95 @garden-of-gay

7- @iamthehybrid @croatoan-like-its-hot @papergrenade @cryptid-system @counting-dollars-counting-stars

8- @ravenfrog @w1ll0wtr33 @child-of-cthulhu @kultiras @dreamercec

9- @machete-inventory-manager @useless-nb-bisexual @stripey82 @dotdot-wierdlife @kal-ology

10- @sadisticaltarts @urkadop @chameleonhair @clockworkballerina

[tinfoil-jones]

Gravity Falls: For Your Own Good, Ch. 5

Summary: A few years after moving to Gravity Falls and having his lab built, Stanford Pines happens upon his estranged twin brother, Stanley. He mentally prepared himself to be suffocated by his brothers neediness all over again - what he wasn't prepared for was Stanley walking right past him like he didn't even notice him.

Rating: M for language, violence, and adult implications

Preface: Dialogue only, but some actions will be annotated for clarity. Cross-Posted on AO3 Here

First - Prev - Next

CH.5

“Hey, stretch. You here to play doctor?”

“I’d just like to interview you. I’m not going to touch you if that's what you’re concerned about.”

“Why not?”

“...ANYhow, I have a few questions for you.”

“Yes, I'm single.”

“Not those kinds of questions. Can you tell me your full first name?”

“Can you give me yours first?”

“Fiddleford.”

“Stan.”

“Okay, Stan. Where are you from? And don’t you dare say from my dreams.”

“Well yeah, I’d say ‘from your dreams’, not mine. Other than that, probably some gutters or a ditch somewhere.”

“What do you mean?”

“As far as I remember, I’ve been out on the streets, or in prison. I think I had a car at some point? But I dunno what happened with that, it makes my head burn trying to think about it.”

“Do you have any family?”

“No.”

“Do you remember ever having a family?”

“I don’t remember having one, but I feel like I had one before.”

“What do you feel like happened to them?”

“They probably got tired of my BS and told me to take a hike. It’s how it always goes with me.”

“That’s a theory you’ve put together. I’m asking what you feel like happened.”

“Feel like I had a dad who was waiting for an excuse to get rid of me. I feel like I had a mom who was a liar - I probably got it from her. Maybe a sibling or two? But they don’t want me around.”

“And what do you think about Stanford?”

“You mean the guy who drugged me, kidnapped me, and is keeping me prisoner in his evil basement sub-lab in the middle of the woods? I gotta say, he makes an impression.”

“But does he seem familiar to you?”

“I don’t think I could forget someone like him” 

“Is it because of his six fingers?”

“It’s��twelve , and no, that's pretty normal compared to all of his other weird crap. It’s because he’s fucking crazy , and convinced I’m some mystery twin of his. But let’s stop talking about him, and talk about you instead. Are you single? You doing anything later?”

“Stay on track, Stan. Let’s take a step back and go back to talking about you. Have you recently gotten into any accidents or sustained major injuries?”

“Define ‘major’.”

“Beg your pardon?”

“Judging by your friend's reaction to the stab wounds when we met, I don’t think your definition of major injury is the same as mine.”

---

"What did you determine, Fiddleford?"

"It wasn't easy to glean things because he would not stop flirting with me - was he always this way?"

"He was a little girl-crazy when we were younger, I didn't know he liked men. But that doesn’t matter right now, what were your findings?"

"He has full cognitive function. And based on your scans he has no signs of brain damage - comparing images of his brain to yours, his genetically identical twin, there isn't any morphological difference. Based on my interview, it sounds like he's never sustained significant head trauma neither.”

"But..?"

"If he really does have amnesia, it wasn't caused by a head injury."

"What else could it be?"

"A few things - perhaps he took a drug or substance that warped his brain chemistry. Or- more likely in my opinion, based on his lifestyle and what little history he tells me, he might have undergone extreme distress that caused a mental breakdown."

"Mental trauma can cause someone to lose their memories?"

"Our memories can be a shield and a sword, Stanford. Even good memories that can comfort you through a difficult time, can also cause pain and frustration when compared to a bad predicament.

He must have gone through something so traumatic that the only way his mind could cope with the stress was to... forget things. This is a phenomenon known as repression . Most of the time, a person would repress the traumatic event itself, but it looks like he’s defied the statistics and forgotten everything else instead.”

“He can’t be… that traumatized, right? This is Stanley we’re talking about.”

“I don’t know what he was like before, but he’s got a mullet, Stanford. There ain’t no way he's in a good place mentally.”

"And how would repressing memories about our family- about me , possibly help him cope with trauma?"

"If I'm going to be frank with you, this is the first time in the years that I've known you that you even mentioned having a twin brother . You've talked about other family members before, such as your older brother Sherman, but never him.

If his mind had to prioritize which memories to keep, why would it keep memories of someone he isn't close to?"

"We are- well, we were close."

"Were is a strong word, Stanford. Survival focuses on the present, not the past.”

“... What can we do to get his memories back?”

“I’m not a therapist. But perhaps if you can get him out of the survival mindset, he’d be open to some introspection.”

“So we must disable his fight-flight-freeze response…”

“Stanford Pines, I will throw that damn tranquilizer gun down the bottomless pit if you don’t put it down. Ya'll really need to stop using the slippery slope of science without consideration for morality like it's a damn seesaw. There are other ways to get him out of fight-flight.”

“Such as?”

“I would suggest you make him feel like he’s in a safe space, but that might not work.”

“Why not? He’s perfectly safe here.”

“But does he know that? From his perspective, you’re a stranger who shot him with a tranq dart and imprisoned in your basement for scientific exploitation. And I’ll remind you, this is all without his consent. He is here against his will.”

“It’s for his own good.”

“According to you, someone he thinks he doesn’t know. This may be your twin, Stanford, but he doesn’t know that. You need to gain his trust; maybe he would have trusted you by default in the past, but that isn’t the case now.”

“I… I’m not sure how to do that, Fiddleford. At one point, we knew everything about each other. And now I barely know him, and he thinks I’m a stranger. I’m still angry at him, and still bitter about what he did before he left home, and I’m disappointed in the conman and convict he turned into… but I’m sad, because he's convinced he’s not my brother.”

“You ain’t exactly the same person you were even when we first met all them years ago. People change. How about you try talking to him?”

“Just talking to him?”

“This may be difficult for you in particular, but you should try talking to him like he’s a person; and not a science experiment, anomaly, or an equation you’re trying to solve… Hey, hey don’t be looking like the last pea at pea-time now. I believe in you, you got this.”

“Thank you, Fiddleford.”

*Ford goes back downstairs to the lab. Fiddleford waits for him to be out of earshot before speaking*

“Bless his heart. This is going to be a disaster.”

To be continued…

[bam-bi-buck]

Buck & Chris’s relationship + abandonment issues - long post

Do y’all think part of the reason Christopher went with his Grandparents is because he felt safe enough about Buck’s love and commitment to him that he knew Buck wouldn’t be mad at him when he came back?

Before I continue with that train of thought, this thought process is shaped by theories I’ve seen about why Chris called his Grandparents instead of Buck when Chris has gone to Buck for support with his anger/fear due to Eddie’s whole thing twice before (4x08 & 5x13) but he didn’t this time? Why? maybe because viewing him as a parental figure in this case impacts how he views Buck likelyhood to be completely on his side as his grandparents (especially Helena) are instead of being on both of their side - which he was

Chris was really angry and hurt, he didn’t want Buck to try to fix this, to try to keep them together, he wanted Buck to be angry at Eddie with him, but that’s not who Buck is and both Chris and Eddie know that

That’s why Eddie called him and Chris didn’t

Now back to Chris, his abandonment issues, and his relationship with Buck and how we can interpret it based off 7x10

Chris has severe abandonment issues, which is not surprising at all based on what he’s been through - Eddie being in active duty throughout his early childhood, then working himself to the bone with three jobs, Shannon leaving to California and then dying

Then he had feelings of abandonment during the pandemic, he lost contact with both Ana & Marisol after their relationships with Eddie ended, his bisabuela moved back to Texas, and we didn’t heard about Carla at all season 7 (I’m like 98% sure - please correct me if I’m wrong)

In season 7 he even said he feels like girls leave when Buck had that dating talk with him

(Even Buck technically left him for a bit, during the lawsuit era but I’m unsure is he views it that way or not though we do know that Chris missed him during that time - Grocery Store Divorce and all)

However, Buck has since made a promise to him and their relationship has evolved a lot since then

We know that Chris goes to Buck when he’s mad at Eddie (4x08) and there’s lot of evidence that indicates he views Buck as a parental figure (he talks to Buck in a similar fashion as he does Eddie, he seeks out Buck for support, the way he spoke to Buck while he was in a coma, just to name a few)

Plus there’s a reason Eddie chose Buck as Chris’s legal guardian and why the writers chose to include that plot

Because of Buck & Chris’s bond

And he lost his mom, he’s almost lost his dad several times, he’s gotten attached to two different women Eddie was seeing and has now lost them

When Chris ubered to Buck’s place and said that everyone leaves, Buck promised he wouldn’t leave Chris

And then when he talked to Chris before he left with his grandparents, Buck did flounder a bit (as would I in that situation, not judging here) but he does make a comment about understanding Chris wanting to go which would probably reassure Chris that Buck isn’t and won’t be mad at him

I think Chris would have had a harder time leaving if he was scared of Buck not being there when he got back

We all have our assumptions (mostly negative from what I’m seeing but I’m not judging I do too) but we don’t actually know what Helena’s saying to Chris, if she’s talking down Eddie’s love for him or not

But while it’s possible she is, Eddie told Chris himself that he can come home at any point he wants

We can also assume that part of why Chris left is because he’s mad + hurt and lashing out wanting Eddie to feel the same as him / doesn’t trust Eddie right now and is waiting for Eddie to do something to prove himself before he’ll be ready go home

I do believe that Chris knows that he can go home to Eddie (no matter what Helena may or may not be saying) and thus him leaving isn’t triggering his abandonment issues and that he’s just waiting for, as I theorized above, for Eddie to prove he won’t be hurt again if he does

and thus his abandonment issues won’t be triggered regarding Eddie (this time) unless he’s convinced he can’t go home, something happens with Eddie, or Eddie fails to prove himself to Chris

OR his abandonment issues were already triggered and he felt like he was losing Eddie (again) to Kim and her madness and he left as a means to protect himself from that, and is, again waiting for proof that he’s safe to come home from the aftermath of all that

All that to say I don’t think his abandonment issues would stop him from leaving Eddie with his grandparents in this particular instance

Ethier way though… because Chris has had a lot of experience of not having both his parents, losing parents, dealing with the fear of losing parents, and losing positive authority figures, it had to be really tough to leave Eddie himself, no matter how angry and hurt he is

And if I’m right and he does view Buck as a parental figure as well then we might assume he’d also fear losing Buck as well by leaving to Texas

I think his abandonment issues would have been triggered regarding Buck while living in Texas, especially since he’s probably always worried about losing Eddie to a certain extent (army, overworking himself in Texas, work as a firefighter, etc) he lost his mother twice, lost both Ana and Marisol who may not have been parental figures but were positive authority figures in his lives, except Buck promised Chris he wouldn’t leave him

And so I think independently of his feelings regarding abandonment and Eddie, Chris still feels secure in his relationship with Buck to not fear losing him during his time away

Just a theory and I could totally be off but it’ll be really interesting to see how they address everything when Buck and Chris reunite (if they do)

[releaseholiday]

maybe i'm wrong but if this song is associated with my "ex" i would never sing it again, i would do anything to avoid it, so i think it's kind of controversial of him to sing it if they broke up, but that's my opinion......

Harry making a tour playlist if hl break up:

[leonsliga]

Look, I just…don’t like kids. Or maybe “don’t like” is the wrong phrasing. I feel uncomfortable around them. See, you’re allowed to like them if you want. There’s nothing wrong with that! In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s the “normal” thing to feel. I was just responsible for kids from a very young age and don’t want any of my own as a result. Why would I want to be a parent when I’ve spent most of my life being a (very poor) stand-in for other kids’ parents who didn’t want to take care of their own? Plus I just don’t think I could be emotionally available to kids the way they need and deserve. There’s more to this thought (and more reasons why I don’t want/feel uncomfortable around kids than this) but I just really needed to get this off my chest, since this rb/block kind of hurt. I thought I was past getting upset over things that happen on the internet, but this cut deep for some reason.

[sailforvalinor]

.

[shinraelectricpowercom]

While I’m on my high horse: if you’re going to disagree with someone or judge them for something they said, at least have the decency to do it with what they actually said instead of your interpretation of it.

Stating that something happens is not endorsement of it. Posting analysis of something is not inherently a claim that one’s analysis is the only possible correct reading. Calling something “common” is not the same as arguing that it’s a majority. Enjoying a particular narrative in fiction is not and cannot be real-world apologism because that fiction is not real. And so on.

[dykesynthezoid]

Gonna say that I really don’t think shame is actually a very effective activism tool. Which isn’t to say you have to be nice to shitty people or w/e, bc anger has a very very important role in activism and you have a right to be angry. But I don’t think shaming people itself is really “activism.” I don’t think it’s effective and I don’t think it actually helps anyone basically ever. Communicating, calling someone out, those are very important. But shame on its own is just. Not a good emotion to make use of. Shame is so self-focused. When people are ashamed they’re only going to act to alleviate their own discomfort and humiliation. And a lot of the time they just shut down instead. It doesn’t actually push anyone to make long lasting changes in themselves and their communities. It just makes people feel like shit and makes for some really shitty “activists” who don’t have like, any idea of what constructive, restorative, healing activism could look like and only know to tear other people down

[milo-is-rambling]

My mother really out here telling me “you just make all the plans for driving and I’ll work around that” and then a couple days later once I’ve made plans and talked to people about shit she’s like hey actually you should come up a day earlier so you can get your grandparents (who are practically falling apart mentally and physically and my grandfather pisses himself and if he pees in the car that I am both sleeping and driving in I will be upset!!!) in the middle of Maine and drive them to New Hampshire for me bc I will be too tired from getting a three hour flight to go drive them :’( AS IF IM NOT DRIVING SIX HOURS OR MORE EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK HELLO??? YOU CANT DRIVE FIVE HOURS AFTER SLEEPING THE WHOLE TIME ON A THREE HOUR FLIGHT LIKE I KNOW ITS CRAMPED AND MISERABLE BUT YOU’RE GOING TO GO FROM A PLANE TO A NICE RENTAL CAR VS ME SLEEPING IN THE FUCKING TRUNK FOR A WEEK LIKE GIRL WHAT YOU ALREADY TOLD ME TO PLAN EVERYTHING AND NOW YOU’RE MOVING SHIT AROUND AND SHES ALL LIKE “well your aunt is gonna be visiting on the 11th so I have to get a flight on the 12th and then graduation is on the 13th early in the morning so I just won’t have time to go get them” LIKE GIRL THIS IS THE SAME AUNT THAT IS COMING TO OUR HOUSE FOR ONE SINGULAR DAY AND THEN WE WILL SEE HER AGAIN IN NEW HAMPSHIRE WHILE WE ARE ON OUR TRIP LIKE YOU LITERALLY TOLD ME “oh don’t worry about missing her we’re gonna do the graduation party at her house when we’re up north” AND THEN YOU WONT SHIFT YOUR PLANS ONE DAY TO FIX ALL OF THE SCHEDULING CONFLICTS BUT YOU WANT ME TO TWEAK A WHOLE WEEK OF DRIVING PLANS BACK A DAY TO MAKE IT MORE CONVENIENT FOR YOU and also I simply don’t want to. Also the garbage truck just passed bc I slept in and I don’t think we got the garbage out and I know we definitely didn’t get the trash from my room or bathroom out of the house and so now moms gonna be pissed at me for that god fuck this is so infuriating I am not planning a trip while on my period ever again I want to bite my mothers head off for even suggesting an alternate plan what is wrong with me I am such a bitch what the fuck no wonder she fucking hates me okay I am going back to bed she can figure this shit out later when she’s not slamming doors and yelling about work

[lilgynt]

there’s no way to express that people keep randomly reaching out to me to talk daily and at length and keep pushing for my space in my life and i really don’t need or more importantly WANT that politely there’s no good way to say that politely

[vriska-serketboard]

We’ve been hanging out pretty much constantly lately and that’s a huge part of what’s making the semester so good overall :] also I think I’m pretty good at hiding the fact that I’m kind of in love with them so that’s good (both good and bad ig but like)

[gregmarriage]

Oh, I love hearing people yap, I'm also a yapper but it's mutually assured yapping. Someone talks for like 2 hours, pause, and then the other person talks for like 2 hours, that's just the way the best conversations happen

I would love to hear about your day all the timeee, the beauty in the mundanity of life is my favorite <3 (I read a really good fanfic about that once)

-🧁

i like long conversations about literally nothing, and i will listen to someone talk for literally forever

[mothmansboyfriend]

Someone having a bad attitude/rude articulation is not the same as someone being personally mean/harmful/offensive to you.

If you can walk away from a discussion confident that neither of you said anything worth wishing you could take back then congratulations: you’ve had the real life equivalent of a negative friendliness action in the Sims and there are NO permanent negative bodily consequences! Get back on the horse, your next social interaction with someone else could easily be far better.

My hands get tense and painful when I feel socially rejected, I can fully understand it sucks bad to receive attitude you feel undeserving of especially when you perceive yourself as working hard for unconscious social praise. But just like two autistics with different stimulation needs can’t both be happy in the exact same environment “made for autistics”, not everyone can have a pleasant reaction in a social convention “meant to be pleasant” because people can’t control their physical symptoms of frustration any more than I can control that my mind goes blank and I stutter or go silent when I’m genuinely (and irrationally) scared about answering simple questions.

As humans we are all owed common decency. Common decency is not semi-conditional kindness. It’s just respect for the unknown of a person. Offering basic comforts/requirements as you feel is natural, non-threatening environment for your personal life, acknowledging you exist when you arrive and wishing you well when you depart. That is common decency. Smiling, speaking in a specific tone, and forcing your body language to work for the comfort of a group rather than flow naturally as you react to stimuli, that is kindness. It’s nice to receive kind actions from strangers, but no one is owed these things. Even if you paid for a burger or got lost in the supermarket for two hours.

[goldenlockslo]

love when my best friend and housemate sending me messages bitching about my girlfriend to me by accident instead of one of her friends :)))