#I’m just at my limit with these health problems

[clown-stripe]

All I did was wash dishes and make baked mac & cheese today and that was STILL too much. Now I can’t stand up without screaming in pain. I have to stand up by bending my upper body nearly parallel to the floor with my knees bent, and brace myself against my thighs with my hands and then “walk” myself upright with my hands very slowly, or I will collapse onto the floor underneath my own bodyweight. The inside of my left hip feels like if a burn was freezing cold instead of hot. All of the skin on my entire body feels like a horrible bruise being pressed on. I was supposed to go to my girlfriend’s parent’s house for Christmas (which is the whole reason why I made baked mac & cheese earlier) but now there’s no way I can do that and I feel really bad for skipping it, I’m dreading telling her I can’t go in the morning but I have to stay home. I literally can’t move, because every time I force myself to stand up it gets worse and it’s already so bad I couldn’t act normal at someone’s house, my screaming would just be a nuisance. So I will have to settle for sending the mac & cheese with her and have her tell everyone that I made it with love

And I’m still scared to get a cane because of the way people stare at me when I limp because I can’t walk on the back of one of my feet. It just sucks for my pain to be so visible. But I can’t force myself to not limp, because I’m pretty sure I cracked my heel bone due to the SEVERE vitamin D deficiency I’ve been dealing with for over a year now, but I don’t know just how badly my bones are fucked up from it because my doctor is medically neglecting me (on purpose at this point) and I can’t get help because he’s the gatekeeper to specialists. He made me beg for simple, routine bloodwork for 8 months in a row. Then he didn’t look at it for another 2 months until I signed into the patient portal at an appointment to show him, and now he keeps acting like 9 ng/ml is normal when it’s NOT normal at-fucking-all, it’s really bad, and every other medical professional I’ve ever seen previously knows better. The last GI I saw didn’t even like when it was 18 ng/ml and put me on a high dose for 8 weeks to fix it but I had to stop seeing them before it was sorted out, and then my levels just fell of a cliff all of a sudden and have been bad ever since.

Mind you, I was a dancer and a weightlifter 4 years ago until my health crashed and burned for whatever reason???

Plus I can’t lift my arms above my head for more than like, 10 seconds at a time or I start seeing stars and feeling my consciousness fading, kinda like what happens when you’re getting put under anesthesia while they’re having you count down from 10. I haven’t forced myself to find out what happens if I don’t put my arms back down immediately, but I assume what happens is passing out. As you can imagine, it’s made doing literally anything nearly impossible, as it takes 20 minutes to even brush my hair if it gets tangled while I sleep due to how many breaks I have to take.

I literally can’t live like this anymore oh my god

How do you report a medical professional for neglect???

He was supposed to (but didn’t, lol) refer me to a rheumatologist after last appointment when I showed him how stretchy my joints are after I told he might have been too hasty to diagnose me with fibromyalgia when I have, quite frankly, a creepy looking and disgustingly unhealthy range of motion in all my joints that I think is the cause of all my pain. The whole reason he’s been making me suffer is because he’s mad that I proved him wrong when he said I should be stiff from fibromyalgia and instead I showed him how I can bend my fingers all the way backwards and turn my entire foot 180 degrees until my heel points toward the front of my body as if my foot was put on backwards.

And that’s not to even mention the heart problems. My heart slows down to 42 beats per minute constantly, and then jacks itself up to 180 for absolutely no reason. My watch thinks I’m dying several times a day, and I feel it. He just shrugs when I show him and says “I don’t know why that happens”

Like. I don’t want to be a dramatic tattletale, but I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore, and it’s ruining my life

[creepyjirachi]

okay hear me out. i know i love science and i’m very good at chemistry and physics. but what if i became a fucking accountant

[kaladinsspear]

You know guys, Dalinar ASKED Kaladin about becoming king of Urithiru. He didn’t demand, he didn’t spring it on him, he didn’t force, and his only request was that Kaladin take time to THINK about the proposition before rejecting it. He even made sure Kaladin knew that this was not a situation where he was the only one possible, if Kaladin says no there are other options.

This isn’t Dalinar dumping responsibility on Kaladin and walking away, this is him trusting Kaladin to know his own limits, know his own mind, and know his own capacity. This is Dalinar bringing up a need and ASKING if Kaladin can accommodate it.

There needs to be a line of succession. It’s that, or we can let riots and tyrants fight it out. I personally don’t think that Kaladin should accept. I don’t think he would make a good king, and that does not seem to be what his arc is building towards. But the fact that Dalinar ASKED does not make Dalinar evil, it makes him a human who trusts Kaladin to be an adult and be honest about what he is and is not willing to do. Kaladin is a viable option for king of Urithiru. He does have experience in leadership, and he is well known and liked by the people. Rather than deciding for Kaladin that Kaladin is too broken and couldn’t handle it and not even asking, Dalinar brought the choice to Kaladin and made sure that Kaladin knew that it was his CHOICE.

How is that bad for Kaladins mental health? “Hey, I respect you as a leader and a person, but I also respect that you have limitations that I do not fully understand. This is the problem I’m facing, and naming you as my heir is a potential solution. Is this a viable option, or do I need to pursue other potential solutions?” How is that disrespectful?! How is it harming Kaladins mental health to be treated like an adult who knows his own capacity and can be trusted to make his own decisions?!

OMG, why do some people even read these books if they are just going to read every character who interacts with Kaladin in the most negative light possible? Like, what is there to enjoy about hate? And why is my feed so full of hate for the Kholins? They are not perfect, but I feel defensive of them simply for the blatantly bad faith reading of their characters!

[clickbeetle]

i’ve been eating a very small handful of the beans every morning. surely that wouldn’t cause any harm right?

i have to cut down on chocolate, caffeine, and peppermint for a month because of a health thing.; you have no idea how hard this is. i literally just bought chocolate covered espresso beans and they are staring at me from my table

[bloomzone]

Protecting Your peace as a student ㅤ۫ 🧁ㅤ ⊹

Do you ever feel like you’re constantly saying yes to things you don’t really want to do? Maybe it’s agreeing to group study sessions when you know you work better alone, or letting someone borrow your notes even though you’re not comfortable sharing them. You end up feeling drained, overworked, and disconnected from yourself. Dw pookie cuz same but let me teach you how fix this !

📋—The topics today are : how to set boundaries as a student, say no without feeling guilty, and most importantly, protect your aura because your energy is sacred.

—🧁How to Set Boundaries as a Student

1. Know What’s Non-Negotiable for You

Before you can set boundaries, you need to know your priorities. Ask yourself: What’s most important to me right now? (e.g., studying, rest, mental health)What situations or behaviors make me feel stressed or drained?Once you’re clear on what matters, it becomes easier to decide what you’ll say yes to and what needs a no.

2. Create a Routine and Stick to It

Having a routine helps you manage your time and energy better. For example, set specific hours for studying, breaks, and downtime. If someone asks you to hang out during your study time, you can say, “I’d love to, but I already have something scheduled.”

3. Be Honest and Direct

When setting boundaries, you don’t need to sugarcoat or over-explain. For example:

“I can’t help with your project right now because I have my own deadlines.”

“I’m focusing on my grades, so I won’t be able to hang out as much this month.”

—🧁How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty

Saying no can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re used to people-pleasing. But here’s the truth: you can’t pour from an empty cup. Here’s how to do it guilt-free:

1. Reframe Your Mindset

Saying no doesn’t mean you’re being mean or selfish. It means you’re respecting yourself. Remind yourself: “By saying no, I’m making space for what truly matters to me.”

2. Use Kind But Firm Language

You can be polite without budging on your boundary. Here are some examples:

“I wish I could help, but I really need to focus on my own tasks.”

“That sounds fun, but I need some downtime after school.”

3. Don’t Over-Explain

The more you explain, the more people think they can negotiate. Keep it short and sweet. For example:

“I can’t today, but thanks for thinking of me.”

The more you practice, the easier it gets.

— 🧁 How to Protect Your Aura ?

Your energy is your power—it’s what keeps you feeling balanced, motivated, and aligned with yourself. Protecting your aura means being intentional about who and what you allow into your space.

1. Limit Time with Negative People

If someone constantly drains your energy or brings negativity into your life, it’s okay to distance yourself. You don’t have to cut them off completely in the same moment, but set limits on how much time and energy you give them.

2. Say No to some bitchies

These are the people who always want something from you—your time, your help, your attention—but give nothing in return. Saying no to them is self-care.

3. Set Emotional Boundaries

Not every problem is yours to solve. If someone tries to unload their stress on you, you can respond with, “I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I don’t have the mental space to help right now.”

4. Create a Calm Space

Whether it’s your desk, your room, or even your bag, keep your space clean and positive. Add things that make you happy—like candles or motivational notes idk maybe start a journal ?? Do any shit that make u feel happy and remove anything that feels heavy or chaotic.

5. Spend Time Alone

Taking time to recharge by yourself helps you reconnect with your inner energy. Use this time to journal, meditate, listen to music, or just breathe.

🧾— last words

You can’t give your best to your studies, friendships, or life if you’re running on empty.So the next time someone asks for your time or energy, pause. Ask yourself: “Does this align with my priorities? Will this drain me or energize me?” And if it’s not a good fit, say no. Protect your peace. Respect your energy. Your aura is sacred—treat it like it is. take care of yourself I'm proud of youuuu

@bloomzone 🕯️

[a-substantial-trash-pile]

hey guess what. it's finally time for my Stardew Valley Loredump. i’m about to ramble about my farmer and yo-yo/yoba and shane in a probably long-ass, disjointed post because i have a problem ok. not expecting anyone to read it all of course—just want to finally write these brainstorming shenanigans down. the loredump will be below the cut below the image 👇 (WARNING: IT'S LONG):

SAMUEL IZAWA:

*samuel is 28 years old, pan, japanese okinawan (no im not self projecting hahaha), and goes by he/they. main thing is that they’re from “our world” where stardew valley is a video game, but he died and ended up in the stardew universe. because i think isekai tropes are fun and silly. as the player, samuel can do things others in the stardew world can’t do, such as: 

summon the in-game HUD that’s only visible to him, so he can see health/energy levels and inventory and all that.

speaking of inventory, it’s essentially a pocket dimension samuel can shove stuff in. the inventory doesn’t really care about size/weight/etc as long as it’s something the system considers an “item.” so like samuel can put a whole ass four poster bed in there but he can’t do that to a person or a whole house. samuel just needs to touch the item to make it disappear into his inventory. he can then summon it back out when he needs it. the game’s inventory limit system remains the same. samuel gets 12 slots on their own, but if they have a bag on them it increases to 36.

can access the player menu you can normally access in game. so like profile, skills, collections, relationships, etc are all there. no options or quit tab though. having the relationship tab is a nightmare for samuel, who has major insecurities about what people think of him. that tab is a quantifiable measure on how much people like him. it a real brain demon for him to know it exists and is right there for him to access anytime. 

can see the “stats” of food and healing items. hp/energy recovery amounts, buffs, etc. 

*funny thing is that samuel has never played SDV himself and only has knowledge based on what he’s heard and seen online secondhand. ironically he was planning on playing the game for the first time before the whole dying thing ruined it. they can’t even remember how they died, but it doesn’t bother them as much as they think it should. they didn’t leave much behind in that life.

*anyway, i’m talking a lot of game terms here, but don’t get it twisted. while samuel has all these game systems going on, the SDV world is very much a real one that doesn’t normally work by that logic. by that i mean time flows normally like in our world and there isn’t just 4 months in a year. things exist outside the valley. there’s a whole planet of places and people. 

*luckily samuel has help in navigating this new world in the form of yo-yo the junimo, who is the first living thing samuel sees when he first wakes up in that joja cubicle. yo-yo helps explain a lot of things and guide samuel around in its own abrasive way. he’s also there to be like, “hey i gave you a second chance at life so you kinda owe me actually. sign this contract.” and samuel, who is a pushover and also confused, is just like, “ok.” (yo-yo sounds like danny devito btw. because i think it’s funny.) 

*i call the contract a “magical girl contract” because that’s essentially what it is. samuel gets access to extra powers/abilities on top the stuff he can already do as a player. in return he fights monsters n shit for yo-yo and generally does things for them that they can’t do easily on their own. the extra benefits include: 

higher pain tolerance. which isn’t always a good thing. especially when you tend to not be great with self-preservation like samuel is. 

can heal most injuries by just eating/drinking stuff to regain hp.

yo-yo can teleport the both of them around as needed, but it’s tiring and it drains a lot of magic. distance matters too.

yo-yo can spawn items but it drains magic as well. the more valuable/rare the item, the more draining it is. spawning items is already a magic-intensive thing in the first place. also yo-yo isn’t creating the item out of nothing. they’re actually randomly taking it from wherever it already exists in the world. for example, say yo-yo “spawns” a jar of pickles. somebody in the world is going to open their fridge and discover their jar of pickles is missing or maybe a grocery store will have a sudden empty spot on its shelf. yo-yo doesn’t have control of where the items are taken from (or so they claim).

samuel and yo-yo’s magic pools became connected so they can both do more than they could do on their own before. this is one of the reasons why yo-yo wanted a contract with samuel, who has a larger magic pool than normal due to being from another world. but it’s possible for one side to use up all the magic for the both of them. 

*samuel’s personality can be summed up as Awkward People-Pleasing Tired Sad Garbage Dork. either he’s dressed like a grandparent in sweaters and turtlenecks or he’s wearing a button up shirt with the collar undone and jeans. they usually have their neck covered in public to hide the mark of yoba embedded there. he has a “resting bitch face” as some may call, but that’s just because his brain is busy over-analyzing 193828 different things. he loves being outside in the grass and dirt, looking at bugs n shit. he’s also a nerd who likes to play video games and ramble about the lore in them (he likes RPGs the most, but if the game’s got a good story and cool world, he’s into it). they like to do things with their hands like model building/painting. in their new stardew life, they get into woodcarving after willy teaches them the basics (he carves shane a little chicken). 

*samuel does NOT know how to say “no.” absolute pushover. their self-worth is based on how much they’re liked by others, which isn’t healthy obviously. he has a fear that the only way he can be liked is by being useful. he’s scared that he is inherently a bad and selfish person, because he can’t say for sure if he’s helping others purely out of kindness or because it just makes him feel better about existing. deep down there’s anger/frustration that’s accumulated over the years, anger towards himself and also others because he’s always doing things for other people—going above and beyond—but it never feels like enough. at the same time though, they hate it when these thoughts come up because they believe that you shouldn’t go into helping somebody expecting that you’ll get something out of it. he hates how much of a hypocrite he is. he hates how he bases so much of his self-worth on the opinions of others, but feels helpless to it. they usually just push these emotions down because samuel feels guilty about them. how can they be a good person if they’re thinking like this? how can they deserve to exist with this mindset? however they get a chance to let out the anger/bitterness/frustration through fighting monsters. kind of disassociating in a way. this also isn’t a good thing because his demeanor is much colder and scarier during combat. having someone who’s felt powerless for so long suddenly gain power is a dangerous thing.

*this mindset when monster fighting shatters when samuel meets krobus and realizes that monsters aren’t just the simple enemy NPCs their brain had been automatically categorizing them as. guilt galore. he gets real depressed about that for a while but yo-yo, krobus, and shane are there to help him. 

*SPEAKING OF SHANE… it’s crush at first sight for samuel because hot damn is shane their type. i mean just look at him. mamma mia. haha anyyyway, they first meet at the stardrop saloon. samuel’s waiting at the bar for his to-go order near where shane is drinking. shane’s looking sad, so samuel gives in and decides they’ll start a convo to maybe distract him from whatever’s bothering him. samuel employs the “crack a dumb joke to hide the fact that i’m nervous because i’m talking to a hot person and then use that opening to introduce myself” strat. shane, being an asshole, is like, “oh so you’re the new farmer. here’s a tip: don’t bother me.” samuel takes 999 damage and their brain immediately goes “THIS IS MY FAULT I FUCKED UP like who wants to be talked to by a stranger when they’re sad goddammit why am i so bad at this?!!” it’s overall not a great first impression. after that, samuel tries to avoid shane out of embarrassment, but circumstances keep making them run into each other. for instance, samuel works a lot with marnie with her being a mentor figure to him in animal husbandry, so he and shane have a lot of opportunity to interact through that (plus marnie is secretly trying to get them closer to each other). through these meetings and shenanigans, samuel and shane get to know each other better until one day they’re friends. then good friends. then best friends. then kiss friends. then marry friends. :)

YOBA (A.K.A. YO-YO): 

*yo-yo is ????? years old and goes by any pronouns but most of the time it's it/they.

*yo-yo is actually THE yoba, but they’re not the completely benevolent creator-of-all-things humans have made them out to be. maybe they were in the past, but now they’re selfish and rude and swear a lot. but they do still care, even if they don’t admit it (tsundere-ass). yoba is currently stuck in the form of a little junimo and is substantially weakened because it gave too much of itself away to the world in the past and got burned for it. because the world kept taking and taking. and now there’s war and pollution and shit and yoba/yo-yo is maybe just a teensy tiny bit angry and bitter now. but it’s ok because now they got this human from another reality to help them reclaim the pieces of itself. and maybe along the way relearn how to love the world again.  

*oh also yoba didn’t create the whole planet like the creation story claims. they’re technically an alien that came across a young planet full of life and decided to stay and help it develop. 

*main reason yo-yo made a contract with samuel is because it needs help finding/reclaiming the pieces of itself. pieces can usually be found in strong monsters empowered by the piece. this isn’t always the case though. sometimes it’s in an ancient artifact. sometimes it’s in a specific place like a temple. sometimes it’s in a person. 

*samuel doesn’t have to deal with having an existential crisis about yo-yo, since he’s from our world where yoba doesn’t even exist as a god. yo-yo claims to be the one responsible for bringing samuel over into the stardew universe, but there are holes in their story. where did yoba even find the power to do such a thing when they’re in such a weakened state? mysterious. 

*the first time yoba reveals itself to shane is kind of chaotic. it’s in the middle of the night when yo-yo suddenly appears in shane’s room, grabs his face with its little stick arms and yells, “WAKE UP!!! YOUR BOYFRIEND IS IN MORTAL PERIL!!!” shane is like, “WHAT THE F–”     it was an act of desperation on yo-yo’s part, because samuel was in trouble and shane was the only one it could think of going to for help. essentially samuel meets something Bad in the deep mines, something that takes him out of commission and puts him in a trance state while draining his lifeforce. y’know, the classic kind of trance state where you need to figure out how to get the person back–how to snap them out of it. yo-yo tried and failed, so that’s where shane comes in. it’s the classic “love-interest-breaks-main-character-out-of-mind-control-with-sheer-power-of-love” trope. except shane does punch samuel during it. lovingly. in the face. hey it works ok.     after the chaos is over and everyone’s safe and gathered together, samuel and yo-yo explain everything to shane (well more like samuel explains everything while yo-yo wishes outloud that they had their memory erasing powers back). shane, who is canonically an atheist, learns that this talking pottymouthed jerkass apple is actually THE yoba and is just like, “yeah. this might as well happen.” and then he remains atheist because what else are you going to do when you learn that god is a talking pottymouthed jerkass apple who calls you a bitch and is also responsible for your partner having to go do dangerous shit. he and yo-yo have a rocky relationship at first to say the least. but once they both realize how much the other cares about samuel, things get a little better. 

*yeah, yoba may be a bitch and they may be angry and they may be bitter, but they really do care, even if they try to convince themselves otherwise. even though so much got taken from it, it still cares about humans and dwarves and shadow people and everything else on the planet. and when it eventually comes down to it, yoba will step up to protect what it loves, even if it means losing everything again. 

SHANE FINCH: 

*this post was technically supposed to just be about my farmer and yo-yo’s lore and stuff, but i gotta give some personal headcanons i have about shane… like for instance his last name is “finch.” because i thought the bird theme was cute. he’s 29 years old, bi, and half asian, half white (in our world that asian half is korean). i’m not being specific because i don’t know if korea even exists in the stardew world, since all we know in the game is that there’s a “ferngill republic” and a “gotoro empire.” i was thinking of just headcanoning that stardew’s planet is essentially the same as earth. so like most of the same countries/nations exist except the history diverged a bit along the way, leading to the ferngill republic and gotoro empire. OK SORRY for the tangent—back on topic.

*so shane is a trans man who started transitioning back in high school. he had two best friends who were very supportive and really helped him on his journey to figure himself out. those two friends were like family to him. it was good that he had this support because his parents were always pretty shitty and shane transitioning just made them act even shittier. the only good family member of shane’s is marnie, who was supportive, but she lived far away, was busy, AND wasn’t on good terms with her sister (shane’s mom), so shane didn’t get to see her much. 

*the moment shane became a legal adult, he got away from his parents, finding a place with his two best friends and moving in together. oh and his friends’ names were rosa and heath. should’ve probably mentioned that earlier oops.     shane, rosa, and heath go to the same college together, suffer student loans, graduate, etc. haven’t thought of what shane would get a degree in yet—most likely something “generic” because he’s unsure of what he wants to do himself (i feel u bby). 

*ok so rosa and heath were dating since high school, but they were so comfortable with shane and vice versa that things never got that awkward living together. however when rosa and heath got married (“yoba, FINALLY,” shane would say), shane felt like it was time to find his own place, much to the devastation of his bffs. the apartment ended up close to where rosa and heath lived of course—the couple made sure of it (“stop backseating my apartment hunting!” “MAKE US”). 

*rosa and heath get pregnant and have a healthy baby girl that they name jasmine. i headcanon jas as black (from heath’s side) and portuguese (rosa’s side). everyone is thrilled about the baby. shane was immediately offered godfather role and he happily accepted. jas was the cutest baby ever and he adored her. he babysat jas all the time. 

*jas was 4 years old when rosa and heath tragically passed away in a car accident. they were coming home from a business dinner when they lost control of their car on some black ice and slid into oncoming traffic. shane was babysitting jas when he got the call. in the span of one cold winter night, shane and jas’s world shattered. 

*rosa and heath didn’t have any reliable relatives either. those relatives only came to take the money and belongings. shane was the only one jas had, so he adopted her. he tried his best to pick up the pieces. he really did. he lasted for a year trying to raise a kid on his own with the salary of a dead-end job, but he knew the situation wasn’t good with the money and how much his mental health was spiraling. he knew he and jas were in dire need of more support (“jas deserves better than this”). so he turned to the one person he had left to rely on: his aunty marnie. and that’s how shane and jas ended up in pelican town.

*shane’s joja jacket was actually originally rosa’s. rosa worked as an accountant for joja and would get free promotional items all the time from the company. the jacket was one of the only things she actually ended up using because “it’s pretty comfy for being joja bs.” she would wear it all the time, much to her more fashion-conscious husband’s chagrin (yet he would patch up any holes she’d get in it anyway). after rosa died, shane kept her jacket. there were a lot of memories in it. 

~~~

ok that’s it for now. if anyone actually read all that, thank you for even wasting your time to process my ramblings. i’m sorry it’s so fucking long like jfc.

*who is mr. qi?

[talkingattumble]

Chronic pain is. Such an unfathomable concept to people. I’ll be like “hey I’m gonna rest for an hour or two because I reached my limit on walking/exercise and I’m in a lot of pain right now” and then a family member or friend will say”actually this article says that’s really bad for you” and the article in question is always something like “Health Tips for the Average Normal Healthy Person by Mike Ablebodied”

Not to mention finding resources like. I’ll find resources by disabled people and it’ll be like “hey exercise is important, but find a way to workout that uses less spoons, and if you’re having a high pain day then take a break, and here’s some exercises you can do from bed”. And then I’ll find some able bodied persons fibromyalgia tips and it’s like “if you don’t walk sixteen miles every day your muscles will atrophy and you’ll die also your mobility aid makes you weak”. Guess which one of those sources I trust more. And now guess which sources the people around me always seem to find and listen to. Are these kinds of things common or am I just unlucky? Does anyone else have this problem?

[jennifer-jeong]

Hi there :)

Can I request some headcanons about Xiao and Wanderer (separated) with an old s/o? Like, they've been together for decades, but reader is a mortal and they're not, therefore they don't have many years left to live now that they're in their 80s. I would like something sweet but feel free to add some angst in it.

HI ANON TY FOR YOUR ASK! Ok so I’m literally goiNG TO CRY because I actually purposely make my own self insert immortal because this makes me so depressed but dw I will make it a fluffy happy ending. I would be unwell if I didn’t make it a happy ending LMAO

Fluff + Slight Angst | Xiao/Wanderer x Reader Mortals

CONTENT Fluff, some angst, gender neutral reader, HAPPY ENDING WOO, CHARACTERS ARE 18+

XIAO has been alive for longer than he can genuinely remember and most of it was spent suffering alone. He’s scarred so deeply that even until the end of time, the marks will never fade. He can’t get rid of his past but you came along and he realized he could at least start to heal from the centuries of pain. Your time together has been the best years of his life and it makes his heart ache to think that you’re about to come and go before even living for a fraction of his life. He’s watched your mortal body age but he still thinks knows that you’re the prettiest thing he’ll ever encounter. Xiao has always treated his time with you like it was limited, even when you were younger. He’s been getting desperate recently though, your body has slowed down, and you’re well into your elderly years. He’s always wanted to ask you if he and Zhongli could help you with this, return you to your younger body and help you live forever. But, he thought it would hurt you. Immortality is more of a curse than a blessing and he of all people should know that. But as your health deteriorated, he started to plan how to ask you without pressuring you. Honestly, when he finally brought it up, you giggled at him and said “I didn’t even know you could do that.” He blinked as he realized how much time had passed and how he really had been avoiding it all these years. It was just somewhat unfathomable to a 2000 year old being that all these fun years with you had already been a few decades. He explains why he felt bad suggesting it, but you quickly comforted him and thanked him for even bringing it up. You said you needed some time to think about it but you knew that you wanted more time with your beloved. It’s near impossible for most people to find their soulmate and so since you found yours, you wanted to somewhat selfishly hold onto him as long as you could. Of course he secretly felt the same though. Your time together might end soon as the traveller discovers the underlying mysteries of the world or it could end millenia later. Either way, you knew you’d be able to face it, together.

WANDERER has been through so much over the past few centuries of his life and he’s believed his emotions have been so useless to him as he isn’t even human. His suffering, pain, and desire never made sense because he always lacked a heart. He thought he’d be doomed to this forever until he met you. You breathed life into his mechanical body and into his new anemo vision heart. He felt truly alive with you, it was like he was freshly born as a real man when you came into his life. He took a while to properly warm up to you before he could express himself in a healthy way but you always had the patience for him. The problem was that he couldn’t have the same patience, not because he wasn’t a healthy partner, but because your life had a definite end. He was impatient because he couldn’t lose you and he didn’t know what else to do. He consulted Nahida/his mom about it and she suggested using his body as a template to create a body for you. One that would last forever with him. He was immediately overjoyed to hear that there was hope and he almost forgot to consider that you might not want to live forever. He probably tries to gauge if you would want to by prodding you with small questions but you see straight through him. You know something’s up, and you tell him that you know there’s enough trust between you two for either of you to speak freely. So he does. You take some time to debate it and decide to do it because even if at some point you can’t take it, you’d talk to him about it and come up with a solution (but you doubt that'll come up <3). There was a lot going on in Teyvat at the moment but just knowing that you’d have more time gave both of you peace. He was worried that afterwards you might not be the same, and that you might become emotionally hollow. But you knew that with him there, you’d never feel any less alive. Even without your physical body, you both had your souls, and it was all you’d ever need.

|| MASTERLIST ♡ || Thank you for reading! ||

[charmedreincarnation]

Hello sweetie💌 I accomplished the void last night and I want to share my story with you. Well, first of all I did a few days of self concept (I didn't do anything special, I listened to subliminals and reminded myself that I already have it). In fact, when people said that the self-concept was something important to the void, I didn't take it very seriously, I thought it was a limiting belief. but such an idea came to my mind, I tried not to achieve the self concept void, but to make me realize that I already have what I want. In this process, I really achieved great results, I felt better now, family problems decreased as much as possible, and most importantly, I realized my unlimited power. and here is the day i entered void!!!

It was evening hours, I didn't specifically listen to a meditation or a frequency void subliminal. I lay down on my bed, closing my eyes and concentrating on my heartbeat, just with an idea that I was sure was going to enter a state of emptiness. I relaxed my body, then repeated the familiar affirmations inwardly (like I was in the void) After that, I got to the most important stage, my body started to take off, it was like I was floating in a vacuum. I suddenly realized that the sounds were gone, the flashes of light before my eyes and the darkness that followed were pulling me in. At that moment I realized that I was in void and said my wishes.

My manifests:

• I passed a university exam and it cannot be said that I was that successful. so i first manifest the result i want.

• I added the foods that I had been craving for a few days on a board I created on Pinterest, I wanted them to be in my closet when I woke up.

• 50 kg and my dream body type

• The most beautiful state of my own face, free of all my insecurities

• a pet cat

• Every time I want to just close my eyes and affirm, enter the void in seconds.

• Albums and magazines of all my favorite kpop groups

• some anime manga

• mastering the manifest, the instant reflection of my wishes on my reality

• have a perfect self concept

• that my mother is completely healthy and peaceful

• a laptop, a new tablet, the latest headphones and my dream phone

• large amount of money in my safe for myself

• My dream room and also a closet to put my snacks

I had manifested that all my wishes would come true the moment I woke up. The first thing I did when I woke up was to look at the phone and it was exactly what I wanted! then i got out of bed and looked around my room, it was exactly the same as in my dream! then i checked my new tech and money, they were in place too.everything was exactly how I wanted it! I literally felt like a dream, but it was all real. After I suppressed my excitement, I heard my mother's voice, she was saying that the exam results were announced. I entered the site from the phone and checked my result! I have quite enough and an excellent result for the university I want!

I just want to say, you can achieve anything, my dears! Just discover that limitless power and don't give up no matter what. You don't have a single thing missing from successful people, first realize that. You are in control of your reality and it is up to you to shape it according to your wishes. I will give an example from myself, I had so many problems that I was not even in good health. I overcame all this myself. And now I am very happy, living my dreams. take care of yourself, believe in yourself, believe that what you can do is limitless, respect your achievements. I believe in you.

I’ve gotten so many success stories lately. I won’t post all of them and still don’t plan on coming back but I promise I see them and I’m so happy for y’all even if I don’t post it 💓💖💖💖

[azullumi]

hiii! i dont know how to say this but i just love the way you write so much ヾ(•ω•`)o, if you take requests (if not you can just ignore this) i would like to request some headcanons of wanderer who is in an established relationship with a reader who suffers from chronic insomnia. since he is a puppet and doesn't need sleep, it would be fun to know the things he would do when keeping the reader company and helping them fall asleep! thank you very much for yor amazing writing!! (o゜▽゜)o☆

details — sleep is essential especially to mortals like you, that is one fact that he understood.

pairing — wanderer/gender-neutral reader

tags — fluff, established relationship ; headcanons

words — 753

note — a short one to cure my soul and ty so much anon!! that means a lot to me :)) i’m glad u love my writing <33 also just letting you all know that requests are open and i'm trying to prioritize them first.

“can’t sleep?” the toss and turning of your figure in the bed—quite frustrated in motion even—accompanied with the occasional groans gave him the idea that you weren’t asleep, or couldn’t sleep at all. a simple nod coming from you was all he needed before his mind started constructing ideas on what he can do to accompany you on yet another night like this.

he’s not new to it, certainly. after all, before you were lovers, you two were friends and he wasn’t a stranger to this problem of yours. however, when he was first introduced to it, he didn’t know what to do and what he could do to help you. he just let you talk about your experience with this conundrum, listening and silently noting the fact in his mind.

and before he knew it, he started to come up with plans for the night in case you have trouble falling asleep once again. it all just felt natural to him, he started buying items that he thinks could aid you even if it’s just for a bit—tea that has sleep benefits, any book that he comes across that he thinks you could use, a board or card game that you two can play. although god forbids that the game being played would end up in a friendly match. with his somewhat of a competitive and taunting personality, the small match becomes a tournament between you and him.

it either ends up with you becoming sleepy and him having to carry you to bed as you doze in his arms or staying up all night ‘til the rise of the sun as you try to beat each other into defeat.

although he doesn’t want to admit to you that he’s really looking out for you. he doesn’t want to say that just the simple mention of sleep and anything to related to that would have his mind drifting to the thought of you, it’s like you and sleep itself is just associated with one another–despite the fact that you lack of it. and in all honesty, isn’t this what you’re supposed to do to your cherished ones?

and when you two had established a romantic relationship with one another, the things he would do for you soon became more intimate and affectionate. accompanying and talking while sitting across each other soon became cuddling sessions in bed—he occasionally plays with your hair or provides soothing touches on your skin—, massages from him are being offered to help you relax, and you try things together often.

he becomes quite strict on things related to your well-being, as health and sleep are correlated to one another. such as coffee being forbidden especially when it’s being taken during the night or having naps during the day limited so that you won’t be awake the whole time later on.

“sleep is essential.” he tells you rather flatly as if it’s not something that you don’t know, his fingers combing through your hair and massaging your scalp in the process. you don’t know what time it is right now, perhaps sometime around dawn as the night looks darker and quieter with only the rustling of leaves outside the window being heard.

“but you don’t sleep?” you answered, words close to a mutter as you slowly eased into his hold and kind caress, the gentle rhythm of his breathing and his voice served as a lullaby. “i do not need it.” his answer elicits a confused reaction from you, eyebrows drawn into one as you look up to meet his gaze, eyes that were often in a glare are warm and soft.

you asked him, “why?” in which he responds, benignly, “i’m a puppet, have you forgotten about that?”

he bought you a stuffed toy—one that resembles him in some manner with its grumpy expression and a small hat on top of its head, donning colors that are similar to his. it wouldn’t be surprising if you were the one who got it for yourself but the fact that he went out his way to get a cotton figure (of him) definitely astonished you to the core.

it doesn’t matter if you have asked him for help about it or not, he only wishes you to know that he is there for you. his affection for you goes past the line of simply just admiring you and memorizing every line of your face, he cares for you more than you know and more than what he makes you realize.

© azullumi — do not plagiarize, copy, repost, nor translate any of my works.

[lains-reality]

hi :) i hope you’re having a wonderful day

you’re literally the only blogger i trust when it comes to non-duality, and your advice has been the one i’ve been most easily able to apply/understand. I hope this doesn’t come off as a vent, but it probably will just because this question is so complicated and problem riddled, and tbh idek if you’re actually going to respond, but yea. it’s like star wars you’re my obi wan kenobi! my last hope lol

basically i’ve put my life on hold and procrastinated everything i’ve needed to do. (TW: death?? health problems/sa?) I went through a really bad year, last year. the human character i identify with (non-dualistic terms, bc ik this character isn’t me?) was sa’d in the beginning of the year. really traumatic. i dropped out of school, i couldn’t go out of the house because i feared for my life. i became super paranoid. i reported it and filed charges, but the justice system is fucked so.

anyways, after because the amount of stress i was experiencing, i became very ill. my biological father wished death on me, and i believed it at the time, because my sibling wished for me to get raped, and then it happened. i can see now, how my belief may or may not have been the cause of what happened. i then got cancer. the doctors couldn’t figure it out for months, and even ridiculed me- saying how i relied on google.

i finally went to a specialist who was immediately concerned, and then confirmed my suspicions. i was sort of friends with a blogger on here who got into the void and manifested their dream life. they went into the void for me and affirmed that i no longer had cancer, and that i could tap/wake up in the void. the next day, the huge lump/tumor on my neck was gone. all of my ailments- trouble breathing, patchy and rough skin ceased. i literally told my mother what happened which made her start believing in the power of “manifestation”.

because of the paranoia, and then cancer- i didn’t go to school my last 2 years of school. i switched to online, but never felt the need to complete my classes because i knew i would get into the void. i’ve gotten into the void, both by waking up/tapping into it but i haven’t been able to change my awareness, or “manifest” bc i was just mumbo jumbing words or poetry. i didn’t apply to university, because i thought i’d enter the void before then and revise my school grades + make it so i got into the university of my choice.

now, i have a week left before i have to finish my classes- which i have 7 of them, and so many assignments. i have to move out in the middle of august because i lied to my parents and said i got into university, because i thought i would’ve already changed things with the void by now. my life was fucked, then i fucked my life. after discovering non-duality i gained hope that i would be able to turn things around by now, yet i haven’t. i don’t know what i’m doing wrong, because i was able to show myself the truth of reality (as lester levinson said).

i am really stressing because now everything is falling down on itself. i try to forget my problems, and don’t give them life by letting go, yet it’s so hard when teachers are bombarding me with messages how i have to finish the classes, or how i have to move out soon. i know this is probably ego driven, but i feel as if i can’t see a way through because of how attached i am to this. my health has also been abnormal, which makes me fear that the cancer has returned. what should i do?? im kinda freaking out.

anyways, i am so sorry if this came across trauma dumping/venting. i am just at a point where i do not even know where to begin to conceptualize this into understanding. this took a lot of courage to type, as im a bit afraid still- that people who hurt me from last year will see this (even though i know they won’t, but still). i totally understand if you wish not to post this or answer it, as it is very long and limiting. thank you though! i hope you have a wonderful week:)

this was quite difficult to answer as i've never been through so much turmoil all at once. i hope this answer helps and you'll continue taking care of yourself! (i'm sorry i linked way too much lol just don't read it all at once!)

firstly i want you to rest.

you've been through a lot and you've also been putting off a lot to get into the void. stopping life for manifestation is common it seems, its not healthy either. so much pressure is coming from time. you put all your expectations on a method, and i'm gonna guess that you also put so much onto your mind to get you into the void.

practically: your biological father sounds abusive and so does your sibling, i would be more careful around him. idk if your not around him anymore, it sounds like it? but you need to plan accordingly for your lie. are you gonna tell your parents or ?

theres a massive chance you'll just go crazy trying to figure out all these moving parts, so i suggest do what you can and leave the rest. do the minimum to keep you safe, then figure out the rest as it comes. do whatever you need to do, just remember to not take on too much at once.

ask for breaks on work at school for medical reasons, maybe think about jobs, etc. you see how much more could come into the picture? but this is all the body-mind can do. its easy to treat it as god, but its not god.

"but i feel as if i can’t see a way through"

You fail to do the works of God, because you take the body to be God. - Ada B. [4dbarbie]

take a look at these meditations:

butter meditation

peace meditation

surrender meditation

un-identification exercise

crying meditation

i'd like you pick one of these exercises:

feel all the shit. feel bad. just do it. let all the bad feelings out. put on sad music and fucking cry. cry it all out.

let yourself rest, with no problems. if a thought or feeling comes in just let it, because its not a problem remember? :) just put on some calming music or visualise a calming place. and let yourself have some time with nothing. no conditions. no perfection. no obligations. no 'have to' 'should' 'must'. let that go for this time

feel as if you've died. feel as if you've been completely forgiven, feel as if there was a powerful white light that washed you away of all the crap. really feel as if the divine came down, hugged you and said 'i love you and forgive you'. its all over. finally its all done. you can rest. (i suggest kickstarting this with imagery or music, its hard to generate feeling such grace on you own. i saw a jesus holding a baby lamb picture that made me burst out in tears and realised that all i wanted was just to be, no obligations. i imagined waking up in a heaven, in a gaint flowerfield. do what you want)

one time i did the 1st and 3rd exercises (i made it up on the spot) and it was worth it. the next few days felt much better. its like an exercise in rebirth. let yourself be reborn.

some days you'll just do one or all 3. pick what ever feels right in what ever order. but i suggest that 'feel as if you've died' or 'no problems' comes last! the whole point is to let the painful emotion pass through and settle in a neutral or grateful place.

"after discovering non-duality i gained hope that i would be able to turn things around by now"

here's the problem, you went into a philosophy intending to manifest. yes,, (1) you can do that (2) its okay, AS LONG AS YOU DONT MISS THE POINT. the point being that there is no person! the character is a character, not you. manifestation is just another concept, you can use it as long as you understand that its not real. thats why i shared the BOOKS, you need to READ.

"i try to forget my problems, and don’t give them life by letting go"

don't force yourself to forget (don't say you're not forcing it, otherwise you never would of wrote "TRY"). just let them be. deal with it when it comes up. the mind'll want to make a bazillion plans and stress. if you can make plans without spiriling, then do it. if you can't, don't. there will probably be some things you need to plan and thats okay. but everything else, leave it.

you haven't actually let it go, you're here in my inbox. you do not need to force letting it go. you naturally let it go by realising who you are in relation to it all. if you think you're the body-mind then its impossible to let go, because its your life and it involves you and if you let it go to shit, you might die!! - says the mind. but if you're Self, then this is not you. all those stories mean nothing compared to Infinity, Absolute Perfection and Love!

the Self is who you truly are. Self is still underneath it all, it is all. its imagining itself being a human. the character is the wave, YOU are the ocean. ultimately this is about realising all the identities, images and roles that "you've" taken on and used as reference are not you. how can a story be you? how can the past be you? are you the past? are you currently living in the past? you can be if you keep bringing it into the now.

when you stop using the past as a reference point, how much more posibilities come up now?

this is because the mind only knows what it knows. it cannot know anything more than what it knows right now. it can't access infinite intelligence. that's why it'll try to project into the future, and make plans. but it doesn't truly know. all it does is give suggestions based off the past. it is a combination of identity based off feelings, thoughts and memories that is collected and turned into a habit.

the past, memories, feelings, thoughts, identifies, roles etc all pass through you. they all come up like waves and then leave on THEIR OWN. if you hold onto these (which the character wants to do, it thinks thats all it is) it'll be painful when they are threatened in some way. a simple remark of "oh you look xxx" can be so painful for some characters because they based their whole life on a singular identity that WILL go.

Most of you can't change because you are so desperate TO change... but there is nothing to want to change. Things just are. Don't work with changing self, just realize who self actually is. [4dbarbie]

this is not a forcing thing, its just a rememberance. its done out of love, passion, a desire to just be free! with no ties to whatever identity! its takes courage, not convincing or denial.

Disbelieving you are Vanessa and denial are not the same thing. Denial is when you deny reality to something you're already giving reality to. Disbelieving was meant as an experiment, you never thought yourselves to be anything but this body, what will happen if you did? What are changes in your psyche, do you feel more confident, do you feel like you could take on the world? Don't you love Vanessa now that you know that she always was a choice? Even if she wasn't the greatest, what's so wrong with her? She is just somebody, she just lives a life. Things are only so serious when you're identified with her, you get scared, you get hurt, you feel stuck. But when you know that she can't hinder you? That she was never you? Don't you just want to laugh and hug her? [4dbarbie]

are you sure you're reading books and posts? a lot of this is already answered. your case is just more to deal with, but the point is still the same: you are not the body and mind, see what would happen if you questioned them.

just KEEP IT SIMPLE!

i'd like to leave you with this.

Once a young woman came to Hafiz and said, “What is the sign of someone knowing God?” And Hafiz became very quiet and stood in silence for nearly a minute. Lovingly looking deep into the young woman's eyes, he then softly spoke: “My dear, they have dropped the knife. The person who knows God has dropped the cruel knife so often used upon their tender self and others.” [source]

some extra resources

eft - health fear

eft - afraid to feel

we cannot practice letting go

heart of an emotion

i want to wake up with everything

hafiz - love's victory (PLEASE WATCH IT)

trust yourself

"You think you're doing it all for nothing, that's why you don't do it. But is freedom from pain really nothing? At least you are, for once in your life, sighing from relief from all this never-ending sense of doing."

health anon

apply

"All the process requires is letting go of thinking you are Vanessa."

behaviour

letting thoughts and emotions pass

challenge yourself

stories

everything brings you back to your Self

you've been through a lot and i'm glad you still are full of love! otherwise you never would've tried in the first place to change anything. use that love, take any anger and turn it into love for freedom! for Self! i know you can do it!!

also: the feeling of bad health coming back is a sign to me. you've put so much on hold: your healing from the sa, the healing from your family, the lying, LIFE in general. you can't keep doing that. turn inwards. the fear won't consume you.

[cass1dyyy]

IN DANGER

contains: angst, fluff

warnings: swearing, an argument, reader’s life is in danger, injury and injury detail, near-death experience

jj maybank x female reader

not proofread, im sorry for any mistakes!

summary: after an explosive argument with your kook father, you run out of the house, and decide to do your favourite activity, surfing. but what about hurricane agatha..?

A/N: i wanted to say this may be inaccurate because im not too sure how to write it. the end also may be inaccurate with jj’s health, but it’s fictional so oh well!

(imagine kiara’s house as your home)

“WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?” you screech at your dad, running down the stairs and into the kitchen, just trying to create space between you. he follows you anyway.

“MY ‘PROBLEM’ IS YOU HANGING OUT WITH THOSE STUPID POGUES! THEY BRING OUT THE WORST IN YOU. ESPECIALLY THAT STUPID JJ KID. I MEAN, HIS DAD’S A CRACKHEAD, WHY WOULDNT HE BE?!” he roars, knocking plates onto the floor in anger, you wince hearing them smash.

“no. no.” you mutter, tears welling up in your eyes, as you turn away from him, opening the porch door.

“DONT YOU DARE. COME BACK. Y/N DONT THERES A HURR-“

you slam the door, not hearing the last bit, not that you cared anyway. you walked furiously down your vast, white-painted porch, and turned to the garage. you snatched your surfboard, hooking it over your shoulder as you stumbled to your dads car, unlocking it.

you hoped he wouldnt hear as you started the car, shoving the board into the back of the jeep, before hopping into the drivers seat and speeding your way down to the beach.

“why is no one here??” you mutter to yourself. it was only 3pm, and usually there’d be multiple surfers and atleast one party on one side of the beach. puzzeled, you left your sandals on the pavement, letting the warm sand sink between your toes as you stepped closer to the refreshingly cold waves. hearing a car drive past, you turn your head out of instinct. you could’ve sworn you saw sarah’s familiar looking-car. why did everything seem so dystopian at the moment? the whole town was eerily empty.

around fifteen minutes into surfing, you were laying on your board, tired out after all the surfing. you noticed the waves getting rougher, and the sun disappearing behind the clouds. you raised your head, and looked around. the waves were thrashing around, and you started desperately trying to paddle to shore, to no avail. the freezing cold water was thrown over you as you shrieked, and started shaking. the weather immediately changed, rain hammering down from the murky sky. you screamed out:

“HELP!”

but no one could hear you… no one was around.

SARAH’S POV:

i headed up the chateau’s steps, meeting jj, kie, pope, and john b on the small porch.

“hey guys.” i smiled, greeting them all and sitting down.

“hey!” kiara said, patting the seat on the bench next to her, gesturing me to sit down.

“where’s y/n?” i ask innocently, genuinely curious.

“she wasnt with you?” pope asks.

“she-she hasn’t been around all day. we thought maybe she was sleeping at yours or something. you mean you havent seen her?” john b asks, furrowing his brows as everyone’s expression turns grave.

rain starts thrashing down, lightning illuminating the sky.

“no. no! i havent seen her..” an uneasy feeling set in my stomach.

“shit. i’m gonna go find her.” jj says, with a determined look on his face that told me we couldnt change his mind.

“jj..” kie said.

“no. her dad is a total dick, we all know that. she’s constantly running over here when they argue. thats like, what, three times a week? it wont hurt to check.” he says, getting up and running down onto his motorbike, immediately getting soaked.

and then, he just sped off. oh boy.

JJ’S POV:

i knew i was going way over the speed limit, but i didnt care. i knew something bad had happened to y/n. i could feel it, and i tried to push the worry gnawing at me down. i sped down the streets and eventually pulled up at y/n’s massive house. ‘kooks.’ i thought to myself. without hesitation, i walked up to the front door, knocking rapidly, (this reminded me of “housekeeping!!” if ykyk) before ringing the doorbell.

“what do you want?” snarled mr l/n, upon seeing me.

“hi sir. i was, uh- wondering if you’d seen y/n? is she here?” i asked, holding back my urge to swear at this dickhead.

“no. she took it upon herself to run away. my cars gone, and she left the garage door open. when you find her, tell her she’s not welcome here.”

he slammed the door shut without another word, leaving me with my own thoughts. i started walking back to the street, when i noticed the garage door a little bit open. i peeked through and saw three surfboards hooked up on the wall, but i didn’t see y/n’s usual one. and then it clicked in my head. she loved surfing! she mustve gone to the beach! wait… the hurricane… i have to go, NOW.

YOUR POV:

waves splashed over you, pulling you further away from shore. a jolt threw you almost off your board, as a surge of pain flew up your body. you looked beside you and saw sharp, jaggedy rocks that your surfboard was now wedged in. turning your head to look at your left leg, you gasped. a large, deep gash was stricken right up it, while scarlett blood seeped out of the wound.

your wet hair clung to the board that was now stained with blood as you lay on it. you felt stupid for it, but you felt somewhat safe wedged between the rocks. this way, you couldnt drift further away. you looked towards the sandy shore, torrential rain disrupting your view. then, you saw lights from a car, turning toward the beach. you could’ve jumped for joy (if you could).

you saw familiar blonde tufts of hair, and could make out the worn out camo shorts he frequently wore.

“JJ!” you screamed with all your might. of course, he couldnt hear you, but he could see you.

he pulled out.. one of your surfboards? he carried it to the waves, laying down on it and surfing through the tallest waves.

“JJ NO, ITS DANGEROUS!” you screeched helplessly.

as he got closer to you, screaming comforting words, one of the largest waves you’d seen towered over him.. and smashed down. jayj had disappeared. lost from view.

“JJ! JJ?” you cried out, tears streaming down your face, and mixing with the rain hammering down onto your cheeks.

A blonde head bobbed up onto the surface, as he gave himself one final push towards you, approaching the rocks. he was coughing furiously, but only cared about reaching you.

another wave washed over you, as you held your arm out for him. he grabbed it greatfully, trying to unhook your board as you held him tightly down, so he wouldnt get swept away.

“there! lets go, get on my board!” he yelled over to you, as you crawled off yours. a furious wave suddenly crashed into you, as you screamed in pure terror and slipped.

suddenly, a pair of strong arms wrapped over you, lifting yourself onto the board. your heart skipped a beat, but you werent too sure if it was because of your near death experience or jj…

“grab the rope, and tie it around you y/n! quick!!” he shouted over the endless crash of the waves and the hammering of the rain ricocheting off of the turquoise board.

you noticed a rope tied around the end of the board, with another bit of rope dangling off of it. you wrapped it around your ankle, tightening it, even though it dug into it painfully.

you and him surfed up waves, while you closed my eyes, too afraid to look, as you held onto jj’s muscular figure. it all seemed like a blur to you.

“untie the rope!” jj advised you.

“what?!” you screamed, confused.

“NOW!”

you quickly let the rope free from your ankle, trusting jj’s worrds.

suddenly, you were flung up into the air by a strong wave, and flung onto.. land?

your eyes seemed stuck together by treacle, as you strained to open them. you coughed and coughed, freeing your lungs of the endless water contained in them. you shivered uncontrollably, your face pale and skin freezing cold. your leg was still bleeding, and it hurt to move, you winced at any sudden movement.

you suddenly crawled around, looking for the boy who had selflessly just saved your life.

“JAYJ?” you shouted, and saw a crumpled figure closer to the tide.

you immediately got up, wincing due to the excruciating pain, but pushing forward, stumbling towards his unconscious figure.

“jj!” you cried out, tears spilling uncontrollably down your cheeks. this was all my fault.. you thought to yourself, as your emotions overtook you.

“jj please wake up.” you cried out, hyperventilating as you peformed cpr, your soaked hair dangling over his face.

sirens sounded in the distance, but you were too panic-stricken to care. you used your mouth endlessly to puff air into his, as you cried and cried, tears dropping onto his pale cheeks.

“ma’m! maam please step back, we’ll take it from here. you’ll suffer from hypothermia.” a cop’s voice shouted from behind you, as a police force came slowly towards you.

you leant back from jayj. your bestfriend. the only one who seemed to understand you. you turned your head back to the cops, as a nice looking woman put a blanket onto you, asking if you could walk.

you saw sarah, john b, pope, and kiara running towards you, and stopping once they saw who you were knelt next to. sarah ran to you, hugging you as a tear slipped down her cheek. you were a frozen mess, bawling your eyes out.

medics rushed over to jj, trying to resuscitate him, as you were slowly lifted up, as a cop and sarah tried to lead you to an ambulance.

you suddenly heard coughing behind you, and kie gasping. you turned and saw a crumpled jj’s chest heaving, and you bolted back towards him, ignoring the searing pain in your leg.

“oh jj.” you said, your voice barely a whisper, as you crouched next to him, tears dropping off of your face, as his hand reached up to your cheek, wiping them away as he smiled weakly.

“i love you.” you whispered softly to him. and suddenly, he brought you into a kiss. fireworks exploded in your stomach, as you broke the kiss.

“i love you too.”

your foreheads met, as you lent against eachother, both of you smiling at one another, as he placed a soft kiss on your cheek.

A/N: im not too sure how to feel about this tbh.. i hope you enjoyed it though!! i listened to noah kahan on shuffle while i wrote this 😜

[newwritergirl]

Starting over | Part 16

Materlist

Summary: With Jake and Bradley deployed y/n can't help herself but count the days when they're finally back home. But when mysterious messages appear on her phone and a sleazy guy gets a bit too close to her she once more realize how her safety depends on the both pilots she dearly loves. Thank God she has a safety net and friends at base.

Trigger Warnings: 18+! Minors DNI! past abusive relationship, reader has health issues (migraine, kidney), throwing up, previous assault, blood, obstrusive man, poly relationship

A/N: It gets angsty! Please tell me if you like it and rebelog my little story. Thank you for the support :)

Word Count: 3.9k +

The day of Jake and Bradley’s departure came quicker than the three of them anticipated. Y/n wasn’t able to sleep that night, tossing and turning, changing her position ever so often, touching her lovers to memorize every inch of their bodies.

And now standing in the kitchen watching both pilots taking their bags into the trunk of Jake’s truck the whole situation is sinking in. She will be alone for the next two weeks, maybe longer.

Since she left the hospital after surviving the last attack of her boyfriend and the mayor operation marathon she endured to save her kidney she wasn’t alone. She lived for some weeks with the family of her former boss and after her physiotherapy she moved to Miramar immediately living with Rooster and Hangman. It would be a lie to say that she isn’t afraid to be on her own. She fears the lonely nights, laying in the dark alone with her thoughts and memories with no one there to hold her after a nightmare or to hold her in general. While drinking her coffee she gives herself a pep talk for the upcoming farewell. ‘Don’t let on anything. You’re a grown up woman. You can do this. They’re highly decorated Navy aviators, you can’t burden them with your fears shortly before their departure.’

---

“And if there’s a problem…anything you need help with… Mav is there, you can call him or Penny anytime! Bob also said that he can come over if you need someone…”

“Jakey, slow down. I’m not a child…” Y/n tries to calm the blonde pilot down. But he just interrupts her attempt to lighten the mood. “Of course you’re not. But imagine you feeling sick or what if you pass out because of a migraine or your kidney acting up…y/n, we’re just worried. And with limited phone reception on the carrier we would feel better when we know that you will call Bob, Coyote, Penny or Mav. Please baby.” Jake looks deep into her eyes, she sees the worry in them. She is also worried but tries her hardest to hide it in front of them.

She feels Bradley enveloping her with his muscular arms behind so that she’s now fully secured between the two men.

“What Jake wanted to say is: We love you, princess.” He speaks softly into her ear his warm breath making her shudder.

“But we have to go now. Otherwise the Admiral will have our asses for being too late for the departure.”

The two men once more tighten their hug kissing the smaller woman passionately.

She watches Jake’s truck disappearing down the street. She stands there in the driveway for some more minutes until the cold wind produces goosebumps on her entire body and her body starts to shiver form the cold and from the loneliness which slowly settles into her heart. She smells the lingering odor of both her boyfriends on her skin. She loves when their aftershaves mix up into a fully new smell and when she can smell it on her own skin after they cuddled. The delicious sore feeling from their intense night together lets her lips form into a soft smile. She’s not lonely they’re still here with every breath and step she takes in their shared home. They will be back and then their relationship will be just as strong as before or even stronger. With a heavy heart but a small smile on her lips she closes the front door behind her soaking into the warmth of the cozy house.

A cup of tea sounds like a good idea to calm her nerves. Standing on her tip toes to reach her favorite cup a small sticky note on the inside of the cupboard door attracts her attention.

A huge smile is spreading over her face, she takes the sticky note from the cardboard door and sticks it on the coffee maker, that way she can always read the note and admire the accurate handwriting of Bradley. She’s the luckiest woman on earth, finally.

You probably are trying to reach one of the cups, standing on your tip toes stretching out your right arm. Usually one of us would come to your aid or to tease you. Enveloping you in our arms, kissing the top of your head, inhaling your intoxicating scent.

We love you <3 JB

---

Her first day back at the base after her short sick leave and her boys leaving was better than she expected. Her day was busy and with Bob bringing her a cup of steaming hot coffee in the morning just the way she likes it and how Rooster would’ve done it she was able to stay alert and awake during a long video call with a software company. But to be honest she nearly hasn’t slept that night. Her brain was a spiraling mess, thinking of Bradley and Rooster, but she was also nervous to run into Welsh at base. After their encounter the other day when he had to take her home, his slimy hand touching her arm and his inappropriate comment in the car, she doesn’t want to see him let alone run into him alone.

Now sipping her second coffee in the late morning she wonders if her two boyfriends had a similar hard night, at least they have themselves. Her vibrating mobile is bringing her out her daydream. When she looks at the display a bright smile forms on her face.

Jakey: Hello love, we’re about to leave the coastland to start with the flight training. Soon there will be no phone reception. We just wanted to make sure you’re ok. We love you.

Her smile grows brighter when she looks at the attached photo Jake sent her. The blonde and the brunette aviator in their flight suits smiling at her, in the background nothing but the endless blue sea.

Y/n: You two look really stunning. I’m so proud of my two Navy men <3 Everything is good back home. Please just come back in one piece, I need you. Both! I love you. Please tell Roo-y I love him, too. Take care. I think of you!

Jakey: Roo-y says he loves you, too! Take care yourself. In case you need anything, call Penny, Mav or the two idiots that stayed back at the base :-P we have to go. Love you so much!

A loud knock is startling her, shouting a small ‘come in’ she is greeted by the last person she wants to see right now, especially when she’s alone in her office. What does he want from her? She puts her mobile away, not risking that this sleazy guy sees the adorable selfie of Hangman and Rooster on her phone.

“Well, isn’t this a sight for sore eyes. You feeling better, y/n? This migraine must’ve hit you hard.” Welsh voice makes her shudder which doesn’t go unnoticed by the taller man, perfectly noticing how the woman in front of him shrinks further into her chair as if she wants to hide herself behind her big wooden desk.

“Yes, Sir. Thank you.” She talks in a small voice.

“Good, good. Finally you have this big and cozy house for yourself, with Rooster and Hangman deployed. I bet the first night was a huge relief.” Welsh asks in an amused tone. Of course the first night was far away from a relief. At first y/n tried to settle down in her own bed but after tossing and turning she wandered into Jake’s bedroom to grad his pillow and went straight into Bradley’s bedroom to sleep in his bed with Jake’s pillow in her arms. That way she could be near both of them. Their familiar scents united created a small feeling of safety in the dark and lonely night.

What does he want to hear from her? She tries to gather her thoughts not to show this man any weakness. But before she can form a suitable answer she’s saved by the bell.

“Hey y/n. You ready for lunch?” She hears Javy’s voice before she can see him enter her office.

“Welsh. What ya doin’ here? Mav is looking for ya…” Javy’s voice immediately changes from friendly to professional and even colder as he looks at the man towering over y/n’s desk.

Daniel straightens his posture but before he turns around to leave the younger woman’s office he winks at her and lowers his voice. “See you later, darling.” Too hushed to be heard by Javy but loud enough for y/n to hear.

She gulps at his words. He has this dangerous aura she’s more than familiar with thanks to her ex.

Javy steps into Welsh’s way bumping slightly into his shoulder. “Keep track of your own appointments, Lieutenant. We’re not your secretary.”

“Yes, Lieutenant Commander.” Welsh replies in an annoyed tone but formal when Coyote pulled ranks.

---

Y/n’s lunch date with Bob and Javy really helped to get her nerves under control after Welsh’s performance in her office today. She just hoped that the two didn’t notice how she played with her food, just shoving it on her plate from left to right. She didn’t build a huge appetite with her boyfriends away and the dreading prospect of coming back to an empty home later that day.

Now utterly exhausted she’s sitting on the huge couch snuggled under the cozy blanket Jake bought for her last Christmas, reading the second note which she found in the snack drawer where Bradley stored his favorite protein bars. Not on the mood to cook something she was in search of something to munch on while lounging on the couch.

On the verge of falling asleep her vibrating mobile gains her attention. She really hopes for another message from her boys but that was likely unrealistic with them in the middle of the Pacific.

I knew you would steeal my banana protein bars in our absence :-P What have I done to deserve two little thieves.

I love u.

Jake says eat as much protein bars as you can. Love <3  JB

She grabs the device from the coffee table curious who would’ve texted her that late in the evening.

The message from an unknown number makes her frown.

Unknown: You looked so hot today in your cute office outfit. You should wear that tight skirt more often.

Her hands begin to tremble that must be a mistake. Who would text her something like that? The person on the other end probably made a mistake while typing in the number and now she got that message accidently. Just as she wants to put her phone away and get ready for another lonely night in Bradley’s bed her mobile chirps with another incoming message.

Unknown: Didn’t think of you as a classic car kind of girl. But that Bronco looks good on you.

The last straw that the message could’ve been a mistake is brutally cut when she reads the next one. Bradley left her his beloved Bronco so she can drive to base and get grocery shopping or whatever she wants to do safely and doesn’t have to rely on Bob or Javy to drive her. At first she was hesitant to drive his beloved car but Bradley told her more than once that he insists that she drives his Bronco and he made it more than clear that he trusts her with his baby.

Panic bubbles in chest. Someone watches her, the person saw her in the Bronco driving home or to the base, saw her outfit. Is this person watching her now? Hiding in the dark? She jumps up from her position on the couch and hurries to the front door checking the locks. They’re closed, thank God. She closed all curtains in every room and when she finally crawls into Bradley’s bed, after she even locked the bedroom door, she can’t hold back her tears anymore. She is afraid, more than that. She’s terrified.

---

Y/n wakes up with a jolt. The bedroom pitch black and her eyes need some time to adjust and make out the familiar furniture. What woke her up in the middle of the night? But before she can wonder any further the door knob jiggles. Someone is trying to enter the bedroom.

“Y/n, come on open the door, I know that you’re in there.”

She knows that voice. No, no, no, that can’t be true. He can’t be in their house, not now.

Frantically she searches for some kind of weapon to defend herself. But when she turns around to look at the bedroom door he’s already inside the room.

"I'm here to take you home, silly girl." His dark eyes nothing but dangerous and filled with hate. She got so used to the warm love filled eyes of Jake and Bradley. But the ones that are piercing her now are cold and she knows that look, it's full of rage.

How did he get past the safety locks at the front door and how did he even open the lock of the bedroom door? She feels like his prey sitting in a trap. His body fills the doorframe, blocking her only way out of the room. On trembling legs y/n backs off but there's nowhere to go for her. He finally gets what he wants, either he kills her right there or he takes her back to their hometown. If she has the choice she would choose death over going back with him. But she has no choice, never had. He once more has her life in his hand.

"You not only cheated with one but with two men? Y/n, that's not how I taught you to behave. You should know what treatment sluts like you deserve." He takes a step closer to the trembling woman. A shimmering object in his right hand attracts her attention. It's a knife, a huge kitchen knife. It's the same knife he attacked her with back home, still bloody. Thick droplets of blood are dripping from the blade on the hardwood floor.

A loud scream echoes trough the bedroom the young woman feels herself shaking like a leaf, drenched in sweat, sheets tangled around her body. All she hears is the blood rushing in her ears. Her heart nearly beating out of her chest. Her lungs seem to refuse to work, like someone is crushing her ribcage. Spots are dancing in her vision and she knows she has to try to take prober breaths otherwise she is going to pass out from oxygen deprivation. The small woman fists one of the pillows in her shaking hands in an attempt to ground herself. She has to overcome this panic attack alone, but her thoughts are with Bradley and Jake, thinking about their happy times, smiling and laughing. Their beautiful laughs, their calming touches, their words of endearment. Y/n doesn't know how long it took her to finally be calm enough to take her first steady breath. The first thing she hears is her alarm annoyingly blaring, signaling her it's time to get up. It's already morning, thank God. Going back to sleep seems so far away after this nightmare that she's somewhat relieved that it's already time to get ready and head to work. With her still trembling hands she shuts the alarm off, but as she sees an unread message her breathing picks up one more time.

A sigh of relief tumbles out of her mouth when she reads the sender of the message.

Bobby: Hey y/n, sorry I forgot to ask you earlier. Coyote and I want to hit the Hard Deck after work, I can fetch you in the morning, in that case you don't have to drive tomorrow to work and to the Hard Deck. I would be at your place at 0715.

---

When she is finally buckled in Bob's car it's the first time she can breathe a bit better, feeling a bit safer in the presence of a Navy Lieutenant and friend.

A soft 'good morning' fills the car, not trusting her voice to speak more words after screaming bloody murder an hour ago. She still feels a slight tremble in her hands. Not only the dream has her so shaken up but the messages from that unknown number make her even more uneasy. Who's watching her? It can't be her ex. He doesn't know where she lives now. And he is still in prison, isn't he?

"Y/n? Everything okay?" Bob turns in his seat to take a proper look at her.

His soft voice brings her out of her thoughts.

"Ehm, yes. Sure. Everything's fine." She tries to talk as calm and collected as she can, not wanting to alert the good-natured aviator in the driver seat.

"You sure? I said your name like ten times." He once more takes a look at her, noticing her pale face and the dark circles under her eyes.

"Sorry, I'm just tired, Bobby. Nothing serious, pinky promise." She hates to lie at her friend, hell she hates to lie in general. But her need to not make a fuss, to not burden other people with her problems is often bigger than her need to be honest.

For now Bob let's her excuse pass but he will keep a close eye on her, even more than usual.

---

Sipping her favorite drink y/n feels a bit better than hours ago in the morning after her nightmare. Bob and Javy are always good company and so far she liked the distraction of her two friends and the hustle and bustle of the packed bar. But without the other aviators, especially without her two boyfriends, there's definitely a huge part missing.

"I'm still wondering how you do it, sunshine." Javy spoke over the music and the loud voices in the packed bar, bringing y/n out of her revive.

A curious frown is splayed on the young woman's face.

"I mean, you really brought some peace and quiet into our squad. Since you're living with Hangman and Roo, their constant bickering and dick-measuring contests nearly stopped."

Y/n can't hold the amused laugh that tumbles out of her mouth. "Javy, watch your mouth." She playfully hit the taller pilot on his arm. But he is right, since the young woman lives with the two men their behavior somewhat changed drastically. Of course the hostility they had during the fateful uranium mission was long gone before y/n stepped into their life, but obviously their friendship deepened in a special way since the shy woman is part of the group. The other aviators surely didn't miss the huge protectiveness Jake and Bradley have over their new addition, y/n just fits in perfectly in the Bradshaw/Seresin household. Y/n wonders if Javy wants to imply that he supposes that three of them are now in a relationship. Until now the three kept their love life a secret, well except for Natasha who gave the last shove in the right direction.

"Hey, got a strong right hook, y/n." The dark haired man rubs his arm as if she hurt him really bad.

"What this moron wanted to say is, you're good for them." Bob barges in looking intensively at the now blushing woman.

"Thanks, I guess?" She says slightly uncertain. "They're the best that ever happened to me. You all are…" Y/n admits in nothing more than a whisper.

Bob puts his larger hand on her right one which is placed on the table beside her now empty glass. When he softly squeezes her hand he adds a quiet 'we support you, no matter what'.

Her heart skips a beat, so they all seem somehow to know or feel that Jake, Bradley and y/n are more than just roommates or friends and with Bob and Javy's promise of support a huge load is taken off her mind.

---

"So, another Root Beer for you, what can I get you, sunshine?" Javy asks as he was about to stand up and head to the bar to get them all a refill.

"Oh no, let me. It's my turn. A Root Beer and a Miller?!" Y/n puts her hand on the taller pilot's shoulder to keep him in his seat and makes her way to the restrooms before she is going to order another round of drinks for herself and her two friends at the back of the bar.

Deep in thought she steps out of the ladies' room bumping into a tall figure making her stumble back. Two strong hands grip her shoulders uncomfortably tight but keeping her from falling flat on her ass.

"Wow, look what the cat dragged in. Y/n, nice to see you." She immediately recognizes the sickly sweet with a hint of evil voice.

"H - hello, Sir." She stammers feeling more and more uneasy the longer she feels the two strong hands grip her upper arms.

"Y/n, we're already beyond the formalities and we're not on base. It's Daniel for you." Welsh winks and twists his lips into a daunting grimace.

Y/n feels her heartrate picking up, she doesn't like this guy and being alone with him is only adding up her anxiety. She tries to wiggle out his strong hold but he doesn't budge, cornering her in the hallway of the restrooms.

"Looking cozy with Bob and Coyote, with your two guard dogs deployed." Welsh strokes both his thumbs over her upper arms, sending a shiver of disgust over the smaller woman's spine.

"We - we just having some drinks." Finally able to wiggle herself free of the uncomfortable hold she takes a step back, the need to extend the distance to the dangerous looking man in front of her is growing every second he looks hungrily at her.

"I knew you have a thing for pilots." The man takes a step and strokes once more one of her arms. Panic bubbles up in y/n's chest, she doesn't like to be touched by strangers and this is much worse than just some physical contact in a crowded bar. He corners her and definitely knows what he's doing. Her body starts to tremble and her chest feels too tight to breathe comfortably.

"Everything okay here?" Y/n hears a familiar voice but Welsh is still blocking her view.

"Yeah, everything's good, Captain." Welsh takes a step back as he feels a hand touching his shoulder, turning him around slightly. Y/n takes a sigh of relief. Thank God for Maverick making an entrance. The smaller man is taking a close look at the young woman in front of him. He can see her distress with the taller man in front of her, towering dangerously over her smaller frame. His presence alone is enough to make Welsh leaving the situation and the small hall to the restrooms.

"Are you okay, y/n? Did he - ehm…did he make you uncomfortable?" What Maverick really wanted to ask is if that prick touched her or made inappropriate comments, but he put a bridle on his tongue, not wanting to make the shy woman in front of him more uncomfortable.

"No, no… sorry I was on my way to the ladies' room." And with that she turns around in a hurry disappearing in the restroom. Her intention to get a new round of drinks long forgotten she rushes into one of the stalls falling onto her knees just in time to throw up the small contents of her stomach.

@djs8891

@darksparklesficrecs

[ifitmeanslosingyouthenno]

the hardest part's the awful things that i've seen

day 8 whumptober prompt: sleep deprivation | "leave the lights on"

mary would be fucking pissed if he ever saw him like this, huddled in some corner like some useless child, all the lights in the dorm turned on so that he could trick his brain into thinking it was day and he didn’t need to sleep

he doesn’t need to sleep

sleeping meant dreaming, dreaming meant nightmares, nightmares were watching his friends and family die in the hands of the butcher of baltimore and waking up covered in sweat, screaming and crying

or if he took the pills abby recommended, sleeping meant dreaming meant nightmares meant watching his family being murdered and not being able to wake up despite the horrors

so no

he doesn’t need to sleep

“neil”

right, the problem

“go away betsy”

she sits in a desk chair, probably his, since he hasn’t seen robin or his other two roommates in– days now

not that he blames them

“you need to sleep, neil”

“what’s the saying? sleep is for the weak?”

from the corner of his eye, he sees her smiling, but it lacks any real humor. interestingly enough there wasn’t any pity there either.

“yeah, i know that makes it easier to not sleep, but sleep is meant to let your mind and body recuperate from the day’s stress, both physical and mental, and it’s been proven that waste product produced by brain cells are eliminated only when one is sleeping, so if you don’t sleep well or enough, no waste product is eliminated, and the brain can’t work the way it’s supposed to.”

he has no reply to that, nor does he care about why his body might need sleep

sleeping brings nothing but trouble

it was okay, he could go days without sleeping, mary made sure of that

after a few days he can just crash and burn and be so utterly exhausted that he won’t actually dream

so he will sleep, eventually 

just not now 

bee remains patient and so does he

he needs to stay active if he means to stay awake a few days more, he can go for a run, maybe he can sneak into the court, run a few drills–

“won’t you tell me why you don’t want to sleep? you look exhausted”

he feels exhausted

but she wouldn’t understand and he tells her so

“why don’t you try me?”

he knows it’s a bait, and he doesn’t quite fall for it

he might be tired, but he’s still aware enough not to fall for it

“can you tell me then why you’ve left the lights on?”

“it helps me stay awake”

“why do you need to stay awake, it’s–” she takes her phone from her pocket and checks the time, “– 2:13 am, there’s no reason to stay awake neil”

he still refuses to reply, he’s got nothing to say to her

“david is worried about you, you know? about the effects this can have on your health, more than outside of the court before my words can get misinterpreted”

“i know coach cares, you don’t need to clarify yourself”

“then you know it’s a reasonable concern”

“i know it’s above his paygrade”

she snorts lightly, before composing herself, “maybe now, but when it starts to affect your game it will be”

“it won’t affect my game”

“it’s bound to”

“i know myself better than you do”

“i’m sure of that, but there’s only so much the human body can handle”

“i’m more resilient than most, i have survived days without sleeping before”

“when you were on the run?”

neil shuts up then. he slipped, but it will not happen again

betsy sighs, “my apologies, i don’t mean to push your boundaries”

“really?” he makes sure his tone is sarcastic enough for her to get it

“yes, i know my job requires me to push past your boundaries, but i know when something is a hard limit and when it isn’t”

“good for you”

“why don’t you collaborate with me neil?”

“you’re a shrink”

betsy sighs, “if you won’t let me help you because of my profession, then there has to be someone who can help you or well, give you some support”

that’s a low blow

of course she knows exactly who can help him

she knows he can’t just go running for andrew everytime he breaks down

andrew deserves his own life, without worrying about his stupid fucking boyfriend with his stupid fucking issues

he pressed his forehead to his knees

“just go away betsy” 

she sighs a sad little thing, before pushing back her chair and standing up from the sound of it

“you know i’ll be here when you’re ready to talk”

“leave the lights on on your way out”

she shuts the door quietly, but the click sounds like a bullet firing from a gun and he flinches

it’s okay, he’s fine, this is all fine

if he doesn’t sleep he won’t get nightmares, he won’t see andrew dying

he doesn’t need to sleep

fun fact! originally neil was going to break down and tell betsy what was going on, and she would help him, but where’s the fun in that?

[delawaredetroit]

What are your thoughts on Aizawa?

Personally I feel like his character as a whole was ruined in his first scene during the quirk assessment test by going back on his word to make it a “logical ruse”, targeting Midoriya over his quirk (something I always felt would be tied to class since self destructive quirks aren’t easily trained, especially if you don’t have the funds to own/regularly visit large tracts of private property with easy access to health care. Though UA’s high number of legacy hero’s and high entrance bar means they probably expect somewhat pre-trained kids), and above all keeping on Mineta (someone who constantly disrupts class and leads to an unsafe environment for the female students, limiting how much they’ll learn).

But I’m hella bias and most of that was tied to his first appearance, so I would love to hear your take on his character as a whole

I think almost everything interesting about him was written by Hideyuki Furuhashi, the author of the Vigilantes spinoff. Seriously. That's where Aizawa's backstory is and where Aizawa's characterization is the most consistent. Vigilantes Aizawa deserves the hype he gets.

Aizawa in the main BNHA manga is no favorite of mine. Many of my issues with Aizawa are problems with the narrative generally and the dissonance between how he is described versus his actions.

Aizawa at his core is a guy with a lot of trauma who projects that trauma onto his students. His favor is based on who he thinks is most likely to survive. In that context, on paper it makes sense why he would favor Bakugou and ignore Mineta's everything. Early Bakugou was skilled and didn't take risks that could cause him harm because he was a fundamentally selfish person. Mineta was a coward and not a fool so he was unlikely to die a hero's death.

Aizawa being heavily traumatized itself isn't necessarily a problem; that's some crunchy characterization right there. The problem is that the narrative tries to portray him as the concept of rationality itself in contrast to Izuku/All Might's idealism. That doesn't really work when the origin of Aizawa's attitude also comes from an inherently irrational place.

Also, the story often uses him as a mouthpiece to directly explain to the audience what they should take away from scenes. It particularly stands out when Aizawa is presenting information he has no reason to know or information that should not be new information worth commenting on. (His lines about Shouto during his fight with Bakugou in the Sports Festival is an example of the former and most of his lines during the Provisional Licensing Exam are examples of the latter).

The other issue is that after introducing these two contrasting characterizations of Aizawa as rationality itself and Aizawa as the hero who never got past the horrors he faced as a hero student, a third Aizawa who contradicted both of the prior ones was introduced: Aizawa the doting teacher, Dadzawa. And it just doesn't work with the rest of his character. It might have worked if it was something that developed over time after he was given the task of caring for Eri. But this doting teacher characterization was introduced before that without much explanation. It also feels jarring because this story is largely from Izuku's point of view where Aizawa is largely portrayed as a hostile obstacle to Izuku rather than a teacher concerned for his growth and wellbeing.

[torialefay]

🌕 Moon in Libra ♎️

bangchan as your boyfriend series!!! (pt. 4)

(based on astrology)

✨bangchan x reader (f); fluff & sad chan :(

✨word count: ~3.5k

✨4th part in a series!!! together, let’s take a look into chan’s natal chart to see what type of boyfriend he would be!

✨i will give a synopsis of what each chart placement means throughout the series (for all my non-astrology friends out there <3) and how that would affect channie in a relationship. head to my masterlist to check out the rest of the series <3

✨ author’s notes:

(1) i am doing brief (just bullet points/highlights) astrological compatibility readings if anyone wants one! if you’re interested, message me your birth date, time, and location OR lmk your placements. i’m gonna limit the reading to include you x 1 skz member only! just specify who you’d like.

(2) the aspects in this reading are based solely on my opinions and interpretations! nothing about a person is set in stone simply because of astrology. please don’t use anything i say as canon :)

(3) there is mention of another fandom in a not so great light. this is purely fictional and no offense was meant by including them. it’s simply for the storyline.

✨warnings: none

✨tldr: chan just wants to be loved.

Moon in Libra:

The Moon represents the deepest parts of yourself, the parts you are usually not even cognizant of. It is the basic energy that resides within you and what you radiate in the most still of situations. Your moon sign usually controls you in ways you aren’t aware of and draws you to certain people that you cannot explain.

• Moon in Libra has a deep NEED for love and beauty in their lives. This can be seen in the deepest parts of them. They are able to see the beauty in every person, and usually can see each person as who they really are instead of the mask they are showing the world. Because of this, he prefers to get to know people well before pursuing them in a relationship.

• Moon in Libra also highlyyyy values balance and peace in their lives. If they suspect that you are bringing drama into their lives in any way, they will most likely (very kindly) cut you out of their life. They will feel bad about it, but they need to protect their peace in order to feel comfortable in the world.

• Because of Libra’s tendency to be people pleasers, they truly seek external validation… they can take criticism very harshly. They do not like the drama and do not want to be involved in a scandal of any kind. It can, in fact, crush them, but they are too self sacrificing to say anything. They just want to make sure that people are pleased with them and they will do whatever they must do to get that.

Chan’s Moon in Libra is also in the 6th house (the house of work, routines, and health)

• Because of this, the balance in his life likely plays a largeeee role in how he performs during the day in work, in carrying out his plans for the day, and in how healthy he is staying.

• His Venus (beauty, love, and sensuality) and Mars (aggression and resolution) are also in the 6th house, meaning that if any aspect of his romance, emotions, or conflict are out of whack, so is he. He simply cannot get his work done or perform well. He is too in his head. That makes him push even harder.

*Important tidbits I learned from analyzing Chan’s natal chart!!! If you take ANYTHING away from this series, please let it be this:*

• Chan has a Libra placement for his Moon (emotions), Sun (personality), and Mercury (communication). This makes him a SUPER LIBRA. He basically identifies with it on another level.

• Here’s the problem: Libras are totally giving of themselves. Completely. They quite literally turn into whoever you want them to be. Because of that, they can really struggle with self image, not only in terms of wanting to be seen in a good light, but most importantly from the perspective of not even knowing themselves.

• Since they don’t have any one SET personality that they present to everyone, they don’t know who they are. Not fully. They may have some idea. They may know that they love people and that they think they are good people, but when it comes down to it, they feel lost.

• So what happens when you have this Libra energy in Sun, Moon, and Mercury? You feel hollow.

• It is very likely that at the end of the day, when all is said and done, Chan feels like the shell of a person. He works so hard for everyone around him, but who is he without that? If he were on his own, and if he didn’t live to please others, who would he be? Nobody. There would be no person underneath the mask. And that scares the fuck out of him.

• He NEEDS to be needed. It isn’t that he likes the attention, but he needs it to survive. Because without it, he is nothing.

—————————————————————

Focusing in now on only the Libra Sun (personality) and Libra Moon (emotions) for Chan:

• As I’ve previously discussed a million times, Libra suns need to be liked. They need harmony and balance, and they feel this through blending fully with others.

• Libra MOONS on the other hand, have a deeper desire. They don’t necessarily want to be loved on what they do, but for who they are and the way they think. Libra moons truly believe that they ARE good people who want to help. Because of this, their harmony and balance instead comes from KNOWING they are good, so they shouldn’t care what other people think of them.

• This manifests in Chan as having this war within himself of caring so much about how other people see him vs. knowing that he shouldn’t give a fuck.

• But at the end of the day, he does give a fuck. And that kills him too.

• So now, not only does he feel hollow on the inside, but he also KNOWS that he cares too deeply about shit that doesn’t even matter. But he can’t. help. it.

• He lives by the mantra “Just enjoy”, because it is something he so badly wants to be able to do.

• He likely manifests this in severe anxiety and not being able to sleep because of it. Throwing himself into work, because who is he if not the producer that his fans know and love? Laughing as much as he can to attempt to fill up the void inside of him.

• He only knows himself in relation to others. The worst thing he could ever experience is being on his own.

• This is likely why he struggled so bad in his trainee days. When everyone else got cut and he was the only one left.

• I’ve heard him explain before that it was a very dark time in his life, and that Stray Kids coming into his life is the only reason he is alive today.

• He is not over-exaggerating. Stray Kids literally gives him life. Without them, he feels like he is nothing.

• He simply cannot exist without them.

—————————————————————————

The last thing that I will add:

• Chan wants SO BADLY to learn how to not give a fuck. He NEEDS someone who can teach him that.

• He NEEDS someone who can show him how to find himself. He NEEEDS someone who will see the parts of him that he cannot see.

• If he can find someone to do this, this person will be his soulmate, I promise you.

As your boyfriend:

• “Hey there, pretty girl.” “You look so beautiful today.” “How did I get to lucky?” Chan tells you these things every day, leaning in to peck your forehead. Words of affirmation are his love language, so he would make sure you got them constantly.

• If you’ve had a long week at work/school, Chan is taking you somewhere beautiful on the weekend. Somewhere that the two of you can enjoy the beauty and the calmness together. Aka, he’s definitely taking you to a giant botanical garden, just to walk around and look at the flowers together. Walking hand in hand, he’d make sure to take breaks occasionally to get a candid photo of how pretty you look with the flowers in the background. You’d wonder off to a tiny side path, taking you to a small fairy garden with lights and a small bench. You would sit, just admiring the lights. Even though you weren’t supposed to, Chan would pick a flower off of the ground next to him and trim it down to just the right length. He’d place it in your hair, resting in the crook of your ear. He’d giggle at how cute you looked. Just like a little garden fairy.

• Chan would adore being your center of attention. He says he doesn’t, but it absolutely makes his heart melt to know that you were thinking about him. Whether it’s a painting, a song, a poem, a muse in any form, his inner self can’t help but to feel so seen.

• He loves it when you obsess over him. No, like actually he loves it. Again, he says he doesn’t, but the way it makes him feel is like none other. The fact that you think that highly of him to pour your entire self into him fills him up with love to the very brim. And he would absolutely be the same with you.

• He LOVES when you ask for his help or his advice. If you ever include the phrase, “I just wanted to know your thoughts because I really value your opinion”, then boom, he’s in love. Feeling needed gives him purpose in life.

• He would adore when you would dress up for him. No occasion, just to look pretty for him. Even though he thinks you’re always beautiful, the fact that you put in extra effort just for him to have something pretty to look at would really make him feel loved. Bonus points if you tried a style or a new item that he talked about really liking.

• If he had a hard day at work and came home to a home-cooked meal and a warm bath waiting on him, he would probably get so excited he wouldn’t even make it to the bathtub, being too busy hugging you.

• Chan is absolutely the type to avoid drama, and especially avoid you having to get involved in any drama at all costs.

• But your boyfriend was no novice to how cruel the online communities could be towards him.

• The week’s newest scandal: that he was saying nasty things about ATEEZ behind their back.

• And damn, did he get a lot of flack.

• What was the proof you may ask?… A tweet. A fucking tweet some random account (that was created 7 hours ago) sent out saying that she had been behind him and heard him saying awful things while on the phone with a friend. As “proof”, she posted the back of a man’s body who had on a black beanie, black hoodie, and black sweatpants.

• You had to give it to her, that was the iconic Channie outfit.

• But what she failed to realize: your man is literally 171 cm… no way in hell is he towering over everyone else like in the picture she posted.

• STAY knew that, but you know how the internet goes. One bad word, and the world is trying to cancel you.

• Well that “you” is now Channie. There’s been an all out fan war between STAY and ATINY to the point that it is now trending worldwide. ATINY trying to trend “#bangchanisoverparty” and damn, it was kinda working.

• When you both saw, you talked to Chan about it. He assured you that he was fine and it was nothing to worry about. He knew who he was and that’s all that mattered. If things got out of hand, JYP would make an official statement saying that it was not him in the photo and they would investigate into the account that posted about it.

• You were so proud of your boyfriend for how much he had overcome to be able to feel that way. You knew he struggled with a lot, and although you were helping him, you were so happy knowing that he was okay.

• Well, until you woke up in the middle of the night to hearing Channie crying softly, lying in the spot next to you.

• You listened quietly, pretending to still be asleep, so you could check on your boyfriend while still allowing him to have his own space.

• Your heart almost shattered as you heard him start to actually sob, reaching his hand up to his mouth in order to stop any sound from coming out.

• Even in his most desperate hour, he didn’t want to wake you. He didn’t want you to know.

• So you just laid there, eyes darting off to focus on the moon, while your back was turned away from him. Listening. Just listening.

• After a couple of minutes, you heard the sobs start to resolve, and deep breaths in began. Good, he was finally starting to feel better.

• You heard the bed sheets rustle a bit as he made the tiniest, slowest movements to reach for his phone on the nightstand.

• You knew that’s what he had to have been reaching for, as you saw a quick, bright flash of light coming in from behind you. You relaxed into the mattress as you heard him typing in his passcode, hopefully to play some light, soothing music to fall asleep to. You didn’t hear anything for the next couple of minutes.

• Content that Chan had successfully cried himself to sleep, you rolled to your other side to curl your body into his. You wanted to feel the warmth of his back pressed up against your chest. To rest your hand at the nape of his neck and hold on for as long as you could.

• To your surprise, your roll over did land you on top of Channie, but a very much awake and very much still on his phone Channie.

• He looked just as startled to see you, dropping his phone down onto his chest. His eyes were red and puffy. The rest of his face followed suit. You hated to see him cry, but you had to admit that he looked like an adorable little fluffball like this, especially with the curly hair all fluffed out from “tossing and turning” you guessed.

• “What are you doing up?” you whispered, playing dumb. You relaxed your hand on top of his chest and heaved your face down into him. You lifted your eyes up to look at his. So beautiful in the silver moon’s light.

• “I thought I heard my phone go off,” he lied.

• “Oh yeah? Who would be calling in the middle of the night?”

• “Minho. He probably went out for a few drinks, I don’t know. I didn’t answer it and was gonna text.” Damn, this boy was gonna do everything in his power to not admit to you that he was just crying.

• “Okay baby, let me know what he says,” you nuzzled into him, ready to watch this shit show of a lie go down.

• You watched as he quickly snatched up his phone, bringing it to rest right in front of his face. Not before you saw what he had actually been doing though.

• He’d been on twitter reading through comments. “#bangchanisoverparty” was pasted into the search bar at the top.

• You felt your heart shrivel up. Why does he do this to himself? Why does he care so much about what other people think about him?

• You sat and stared off, not sure if you should mention anything. You didn’t want to make things worse. But then again, what kind of girlfriend lets her boyfriend lay there and cry himself to death?

• “There,” Chan said, turning his phone off and laying it back on the bedside table. “I texted to see what he needs. Hopefully he replies back soon so I don’t fall back asleep and miss it.” This man is one good ass liar. Kinda scary now that you think about it, but whatever, that’s besides the point.

• “You’re a good friend Channie,” you scooted up to make sure your face was resting into the side of his neck. One arm extended around him to cover him in a light hug, and you just held him there for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, your eyelids got heavy again and you fluttered them closed.

• No more than 10 seconds later, they shot back open. You had felt a singular drop of water hit your face. A tear. He couldn’t lie now.

• You raised up to be above Chan, one hand still over his torso, and the other propping you up on your elbow. There were a few stray tears covering each cheek.

• The one hand moved up his body and slowly wiped at the tears on one side, making his perfect complexion visible once again. You kissed over the area with a touch as gentle as a feather.

• “What’s wrong baby?” you whispered while your head was just over top of his own.

• “Nothing baby, please go back to sleep,” he choked out, letting a light sniffle escape him.

• “I’m not going back to sleep until you talk to me.”

• “Please, y/n. Please just go back to sleep.”

• “No. Talk to me. Why were you on twitter?”

• He looked mortified. He didn’t answer. He just laid there, looking off to the side with an expression on his face like he could start crying again at any moment.

• You relaxed off of your elbow and sunk back into him again. You tangled your hand into his hair and started playing with it. Rolling it around in between your fingers. You started combing your hand through it in tiny strokes. You were learning to relax into the silence.

• You let the whole weight of your hand rest onto his scalp, running down it and to the nape of his neck. You repeated this a few times, hoping that he would get some light tingles over his body and start to perk up.

• You slowly moved your hand to caress the top of his ear, running a finger along the outer rim. Your touch was so slight that he couldn’t tell if he was imagining it, but it did soothe him. He thought about how reminiscent it was of what he would always do- touch his ears to calm himself. You knew this too of course. That’s why you were doing it.

• Chan knew why you were doing it too. You knew him better than he knew himself.

• You continued to stroke along his ear, adding more fingers and more pressure until you were massaging his ear lobe. Pressing your fingers into the skin of the area right behind where his ear met his skull. You massaged a low place here, rubbing small circles with just enough pressure.

• You slowly continued to drag your hand down to his neck, working again now in light strokes to feel all up and down the side and front. So smooth, you thought.

• You followed suit with your lips, pulling them to the area just between his ear and jaw. You planted a slow, low kiss to his most sensitive area.

• You felt the familiar sensation of wetness again. The taste of salt. Of course it had been another tear resting there for you to find and take away. You wished you could take away all the pain.

• You finally moved your hand all the way down to find his. You gave it a small squeeze, and then brought it up to relax over your own situated on his chest right over his heart. You sat in silence, feeling the strong beat inside. Just enjoying the warmth of his body underneath you.

• “You are so perfect,” you kissed his arm, admiring how hard his bicep was.

• All of a sudden, his stillness turned into a sob again. He tried to break his hand away from yours so he could cover up his eyes and the rest of his face.

• “No baby, you let me keep this hand,” you whispered. “It’s okay to cry, but at the end of it, I need you to know how loved you are. How so many people would kill just to see a smile on your face. How you can make a person’s day better just by being in it. How every time I look at you, I think that there must be a god, because how could there be something as perfect as you without a creator to make it?”

• You heard his tears stifle. He let out a weak smile. Your heart reciprocated the gesture.

• “There’s my beautiful boy,” you kissed his temple.

• “Now tell me baby,” you leaned back up to rest your forehead just on top of his, noses almost touching. “Do you think a life so full of love like that is worth crying over?”

• His tiny smile turned into a big one, leaving his bashful dimples on display. He took a moment and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

• He let out a small giggle. “No,” he looked into your eyes.

• “Good answer,” you leaned your face in the tiniest bit to touch a kiss on top of each eyelid. Satisfied, you resigned to your position of curling up next to him, head positioned to fit perfectly to his neck, two hands holding both of his own.

• “I love you,” he murmured.

• “I love you too Channie. And I wasn’t lying, you really are perfect. The last person left to convince is yourself.”

Moon in Libra.