#I’m here I’m queer I’m not fucking going anywhere

[novelconcepts]

Mood for a terrifying 2025. 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

[exopelagic]

A list of things I’m frustrated by:

[eternalstateofoctober]

took my septum piercing out too. feeling really really sad that now there’s nothing left of my appearance that indicates i’m cool

[buckevantommy]

i was blogging about destiel for 4 years after they sent the gay angel to superhell and didn’t let the bi guy reciprocate and instead gave him a disrespectable death and told him a shitty hellish heaven was what he deserved when he just wanted to live as one last fuck you to queer rep for men 30+. 

i’ve been here before. i’m not going anywhere. 

i came here for ongoing positive queer rep for men 30+ and i’m staying bc i know when the show don’t got me, fandom does. fandom always has, bc these stories mean more to us than any beancounter or wayward showrunner could care to comprehend. i’m staying to create and to continue celebrating everything bi buck and gay tommy and bucktommy gave us (up to a point). 

this is not where their story ends. this is where fandom takes custodianship and gives the characters and their journey together everything denied to them by tptb. we honour them, and heal ourselves, by carrying on their story the way they deserve, and the way we deserve.

that is why fandom exists; to fix what was so carelessly broken and to keep stories alive that deserve to be kept with care and understanding. 

i appreciate every one of you who has shared joy and positivity for these beautiful queer men and their forever kind of love, and just know that i will continue doing the same.

[vgtrackbracket]

Inspired primarily by @bestgameostcrownduel and the video game tracks submitted to @its-to-the-death's Villain Song Showdown, I'm making a video game track tournament!

Rules:

Just to be clear, I'm referring to individual tracks/songs, not full soundtracks!

Tracks should be official/come from an actual game. So no fan songs, and no K/DA situations.

Related to the above, music that was created specifically for (and used in) rhythm games is allowed, but no pre-existing songs or covers of them that happened to be used in rhythm games.

Though I hope this should go without saying, I won’t be allowing any tracks from games from the Harry Potter franchise. I’m also not allowing tracks from the series The Last of Us, and may disallow other series/games if I feel the need.

Please don’t spam the submissions with the same track multiple times, but feel free to submit as many different ones as you want.

I do require a link to the track. If you can’t find (or upload) it anywhere online, it’s not getting in, sorry.

The rules may be updated if I remember anything important I’ve left out, but that’s all of them for now. So beyond that, go wild! The submission period ends at the end of the day on Sunday March 3rd (EST).

Submissions go here! (make sure you've read the rules!)

Tags for visibility under the cut!

@tournament-announcer @tournamentdirectory @the-polls @gamequoteshowdown @video-game-kids-tournament @vg-soundtrack-showdown @fuck-you-upmusicbracket @worstvideogamesong-poll @tourneys-by-me @silly-name-tourney @besttropeveershowdown @characterswithcolorsnamesfight @who-do-i-know-this-man @badass-queer-couples-battle

[soars22]

Hey, so.

This sucks. Like, really, genuinely sucks. The only thing keeping me from a full blown panic attack is denial and my weighted blanked; I’m sure I’ll get there eventually.

I don’t… really understand how this has happened. I don’t. Truly. But it did and now we-we have to keep living. Even though this sucks. Even though we’re scared and feeling hopeless and a million other anxiety inducing things.

We still voted. It still mattered. No matter what happens next, we still have that.

Like, I’m not going to lie to you, I’m fucking terrified. I’m trans, I’m queer, I’m neurodivergent-I’m everything that the monster we voted in wants to hide away and destroy.

I. Am. Not. Going. To. Let. Him.

I’m right the fuck HERE, motherfucker. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to keep on existing and fuck anyone who says differently. I’m going to keep LIVING and breathing and existing and working towards a better life because, really, what the fuck else can I do? What can any of us do except survive?

It’s not over. The election? Maybe. Our lives and the difference we can make? That’s still fully on the table.

Right now, you might be scared and that’s so ok. So am I. And for the moment, I’m going to let myself be. I’m going to hide under my weighted blanket and miss my family and my cat and maybe play some stardew to just disconnect for a bit but then I’m going to get up and keep living.

He wants us to give up. He wants us to be scared. He wants us to not fight back, to let him win.

I know that we’re scared, but we cannot let that happen. Live out of spite if you have to, but fucking live, ok? Focus on the small wins and the little battles if you can’t quite tackle the big. Focus on yourself if you can’t focus on the world.

And when you’re ready, look into the eyes of everyone who wants you dead and live.

[sogoodtoheritsvicious]

it’s tiiiiimeee

i haven’t watched this show in full in five years 😵‍💫but it’s october and i was gonna watch thee byeler episode aka 2x02 on halloween anyway so i thought i might as well rewatch the entire show and make it everyone’s problem

forgot about the jumpscare being right at the beginning

baby will <3

they were all BABIES and now they’re all grown and the damn final season still hasn’t premiered lmao

dustin was so adorable

“it was a seven.” “huh?” “the roll, it was a seven. the demogorgon, it got me.” the way will was incapable of lying to mike, GOD, i feel sick

fun fact: will’s adorable little “see you tomorrow!” is immediately what made him my favorite

“kiss your mom ‘night for me!” lmfao

forgot how damn good the jumpscares are

gonna need mike to see will with a gun at least once before this show is over

“damn,you look like hell, chief!” “oh, yeah? well, i looked better than your wife when i left her this morning.” HELP

“lonnie used to call him queer.” “is he?” FUCKING HELL, HOPPER 😭 i completely forgot about that scene lmfao

EL, MY BABY

benny was such a good man :( he didn’t deserve to die

that poor dog was so hated irl 😭

“you think we got a problem here?” my brother in christ, a boy is missing

“i’m the only one that cares about will!” mike loves will so much, i’m gonna cry

i completely forgot about hop’s daughter

mike sneaking out while steve’s sneaking in 😭 this show is also a comedy

winona ryder the actress that you are

chapter 2

maybe i’m going to find out in this ep i can’t remember if they ever investigate benny’s death or link it to everything else that was going on

“stop it, you’re freaking her out!” “she’s freaking ME out!” lucas was the only real one in the beginning

poor baby. el didn’t even know what privacy was before this moment.

“oh, you can speak!” she gets that a lot 😭

mike and el had so much potential as friends, FUCK the duffers for ruining them by making it romantic. now they don’t even seem like they like each other

i hope s5 focuses on more on will and lucas’ friendship

jonathan was such a good brother

brenner. always at the scene of the fucking crime.

mike naming his dino ‘rory’ because he roars 🥹

FUCK BRENNER ALL MY HOMIES HATE BRENNER

karen was such a good mom in the beginning

i hate lonnie with a passion, he’s an abusive piece of shit who should’ve been killed off

i don’t blame lucas at all for the way he was acting with el at first

“one kid goes missing, the other one runs wild? some real fine parenting right there.”

they kept pointing out so many similarities between will and el, i can’t believe they didn’t go anywhere with it

“can’t ask a corpse a question.” die. just die.

nancy: *losing her virginity*

barb: *losing her life*

chapter 3

“no one breaks in here.” yeah, they just break out

love jonathan but steve wasn’t exactly wrong about the pictures

joyce byers the mother that you are

mike wanted nothing to do with el once they found will’s “body” but we’re supposed to believe that he loved her the second he saw her in the woods.

chapter 4

i can’t believe they showed that mike has all of the drawings will has created and expected us to be normal about it

“screw his funeral!” “what?!” TEARS

jonathan loves joyce and will so much 🥺

steve was such an unbearable asshole

can we PLEASE talk about charlie being able to hold his own with winona in that scene about will’s body? we already know winona’s gonna blow it out of the water but he did just as well

completely forgot about mike doing el’s makeup this episode dkfkgjd

“where are you from, exactly?” “bad place.” 😭

that troy scene still sends

“the kid is dead. end of story.”

they put too much pressure on el. i hope when all this shit is over she’s able to just be a normal kid.

this show used to be so fucking good

i love how hop tries lying to the state trooper and when that doesn’t work he just knocks him the fuck out 😭

I FUCKING HATE LONNIE

i’m so glad they had jonathan realize that joyce was telling the truth about everything that was going on instead of just dragging it all out.

chapter 5

hate lonnie for taking advantage of joyce when she’s clearly in a vulnerable position

“wait until we tell will that jennifer hayes was crying at his funeral” lmao

all this season is showing me is how severely they’ve robbed us of joyce and will scenes in future episodes

“man, these aren’t real nilla wafers.” mr. clark must think they’re horrible friends, i’m crying. dustin is right, though, fake nilla wafers suck.

“it might even swallow us whole.” and that’s exactly what’s happening by the end of s4

“he’s wanted to go to nyu since he was six. years. old!” she should’ve killed lonnie right then & there

can’t prove it but jonathan fell in love with nancy the second she shot that can on her first try

jonathan clocked nancy’s ass BAD in the woods

forgot just how much lucas hated el this season

byeler and jancy have paralleled each other too many times for it to just mean nothing in the end.

chapter 6

the jumpscares in this show are top tier

what i love about this show is how it still has me holding my breath even though i already know what’s going to happen

“i don’t wanna be alone. do you?” “no.” i was gonna say he wouldn’t be alone cause joyce is there but i remembered he doesn’t wanna tell her til it’s all over

early jancy were so awkward, i love them <3

“i could have been killed!” “which is exactly why we need her. she’s a weapon!” but mike loves her at this point, right?

lucas loves will so much, it’s a shame we haven’t seen much more of their friendship

“you’re my best friend, too.” “okay :D” dustin looked so happy 😭

“what’s the weirdest part? me or the bear trap?” “you, definitely you.” pls

jonathan beating the shit out of steve was so satisfying

“only love makes you that crazy, sweetheart.” i’m not even gonna say anything. you all know.

we don’t give mike enough appreciation for being such a selfless person. he did everything he could to find will, he almost killed himself to protect dustin, he let el live in his basement without even knowing her, etc.

“she’s our friend and she’s crazy!” i love dustin with my whole heart

BABIES 🫶🏼

chapter 7

“if anyone asks where i am, i’ve left the country.” this season is really reminding me why mike was my favorite in the beginning

i wanna hug el so bad

“our son with a girl?” ted, to mike:

“a psychotic child broke his arm!” “a little girl, chief. a little one.” “that tone! do you hear that tone?” “honestly, i’m just trying to state a fact. it was a little girl.” this entire exchange is sending me so bad

“you couldn’t take jonathan byers.” get his ass!

it was such a great choice to have joyce be the first one to ever give el comfort because she’s such a soft, comforting person and i can’t think of anyone better

chapter 8

made it to the finale! gonna be honest, i didn’t think i’d get here in only two days but this show sucked me in the exact way it did the first time

“go to hell.” joyce is everything

waiting til this episode to give flashbacks on hop’s daughter was an excellent choice

steve just wanted to apologize to jonathan and now he’s an exasperated mother of seven. life comes at ya quick!!

choosing not to acknowledge that scene beyond this for the sake of my mental health

el is a badass but she shouldn’t have to be

brenner should’ve never made it to season 4

these kids acted their ASSES off in this show

GOD THIS JOYCE, HOPPER AND WILL SCENE

you’d think everything that went down would make nancy and karen care more about mike and pay attention to him but it doesn’t. mike deserves so much better.

will is in a hospital bed worrying about jonathan’s hand. I LOVE THIS KID.

byeler hug <3

they all really wanted to tell will about jennifer hayes crying 😭

“her name’s eleven.” “like the number?” he sounded baffled lmaooo

getting will back must’ve been so bittersweet for nancy

hop keeps throwing away lit cigarettes and all i keep thinking is that he’s gonna start a wildfire eventually

mike’s soft ‘see you, will’ 🥹

the camera!!

“your wife doesn’t have time to cook for me.” pls

the byers family 🫶🏼

my love for this show has officially been revived. rewatching this reminded me why i loved this show so much in the first place. the acting is amazing, especially from the kids, the writing was great, and the fucking jumpscares were incredible. i’m so excited to start season 2!!

[notlemoncello]

As a queer person in the United States it is terrifying to hear the person coming into power say he will find a way to enforce “two genders” only. The government silently hating you is one thing, out right saying they hate you and want you gone is something else entirely

But I’m not going anywhere

Im going to stay here

Yes I’m scared but I’m mad as hell too

Im not changing who I am because it makes some fuck who never considered that many not everyone fits in a tiny little box

Fuck you I’m a person and I deserve to be here as much as any of you

[hushed-chorus]

Hello folks! Thank you @nausikaaa for today’s tag, and @theotherhufflepuff, @shrekgogurt, @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, @nightimedreamersworld, @artsyunderstudy and @orange-peony for the Sunday tags!

Over the last couple of days I've made a chunk of progress on For All Intents and Purposes, which is frigging delightful. Long may it last! I’m also still plotting and scheming Those Glowing, Magickal Years, so hopefully there will be an update on that soon. 

Here’s a snippet from an upcoming chapter of FAIAP. Baz and Simon are driving through the desert by night.

My reverie is broken when I hear the click of a seat belt. When I turn, Simon’s bracing his legs on the edge of his seat. “Simon–” And he leaps upwards. Air buffets me as his wings propel him upwards and into the sky. It’s a struggle not to slam my foot down on the break. I only accomplish this by unleashing a stream of curses.   He surges up, then falls out of sight behind me. I slow the car, scanning the rear-view mirror, when he comes careening not a metre above my head.  “Fucking hell, Snow!” I yell.  He laughs, climbing higher and faster. So I do the only sensible thing available to me. I hit the accelerator and roar after him.  I should be furious. He’s a reckless fool. But by Crowley, what a sight. He’s brimming with joy, exalting in his flight. His freedom. And with it all, with all his teasing and wheeling, he never careens away from me. He could go anywhere, but he’s choosing to stay with me.  I laugh. And I don’t realise that I’ve been crying until the tears turned my sideburns wet and cold. 

Hello tags below the cut! And please consider this an invite if you want to join in!

@facewithoutheart @captain-aralias @raenestee @cutestkilla @ivelovedhimthroughworse @larkral @stitchyqueer @ileadacharmedlife @confused-bi-queer @aristocratic-otter @whogaveyoupermission @fatalfangirl @thewholelemon @onepintobean @theearlgreymage @martsonmars @blackberrysummerblog @palimpsessed @valeffelees @j-nipper-95 @rimeswithpurple @wellbelesbian @imagineacoolusername @youarenevertooold @iamamythologicalcreature @supercutedinosaurs @alexalexinii @bookish-bogwitch @cosmicalart @bazzybelle @that-disabled-princess @prettygoododds

[emmedoesntdomath]

there isn’t anything more beautiful than sticking around in a fandom just to spite the creator. like, no, I won’t support you financially. I won’t buy the media, or merch, or official shit. but. you get pissy when one of your characters is headcanoned as queer by your fans? guess what buddy boy, I’m not going fucking ANYWHERE. no no no, we’re actually going to start writing gay fanfiction for them. as a little gift. they can now kiss. you’re welcome. oh, that makes you more mad? oh I’m sorry, here’s some fanart that you’ll hate. I’ll sell it too, just to spite you more. really, I’m helping you out here. teaching a lesson, if you will. you can thank me later.

[aimlesswalker]

I just want to be some guy

As a trans man, I don’t really feel like I belong anywhere in the lgbt+ community because I’ll never be attractive to anyone (which is why I ID as queer but even then I feel outcast) and it…. it really hurts sometimes. I’m simultaneously too masculine and not masculine enough.

in the men who are attracted to men spaces, most people when they see me think I’m a twink because of being short/small and/or for being trans/nonbinary. They think I’m hairless, feminine, boyish, submissive, etc. I’m…. at this point in my life I am really really not. Testosterone has made me male and everything that entails. I’ve gained (healthy! good for me!) weight and my stomach sticks out, I’m covered in body hair, I am partway to balding. All the things that are conventionally unattractive about men. All the things that are demonized in trans men. I’m too masculine to fit their idea of a nonbinary person. But masculine in “the wrong way”. I have to either be muscular/fit or small and hairless to be wanted here. I don’t even count as a bear, you’d probably just call my shape a “dad bod”. This isn’t just some vague feeling I get in these spaces- people have legit said to me “oh I love twinks” or “oh I love femboys” and I have to awkwardly explain that no I’m not one actually. I’m not what they want me to be. And I’m really tired of people placing that expectation on me- that I’m a slender hairless twink who is submissive and likes bottoming. Just because I’m small and/or trans. so gross. 

and then in the women who are attracted to men spaces well… they’d never look twice at me. I’m short and not at all muscular/toned/fit. Again, I have gained weight, am hairy, and halfway to bald. Bedsides not being conventionally attractive- they usually want a man who can “provide”. I am disabled and can’t work. I can’t drive. I can’t give them flowers or pick them up for a date. I can’t be any of the things they’re looking for in a partner. Being disabled makes me seen as “less than”. Being dependent on other people is a trait that is endlessly mocked in men. I’m not masculine enough. 

so where the fuck does that leave me? I’m not even going to talk about how being aromantic in queer spaces alienates me further. I love testosterone, I love what it’s done for me and how I feel healthier on it. But like. fuck. I don’t feel like I’m ever going to be attractive to anyone. I never get to feel pretty or handsome. I never get to feel happy about my appearance anymore and that makes me so sad. I used to derive so much joy from picking out outfits and accessorizing and applying glittery make up. I’m too sick to leave the house ever so I don’t do those things anymore, besides the fact that I *can’t* present feminine anymore without risking my safety. People would assume I’m a trans woman and act accordingly because they see a man attempting to be feminine. I am fully man and fully nonbinary, but I never get to exist as both at the same time. I can’t be feminine without people invalidating/forgetting my manhood. I can’t be masculine without people invalidating/forgetting my nonbinary-ness. I’m too masculine for nonbinary spaces and too nonbinary for masculine spaces. I just…….. I get incredibly sad about this.

And people generally don’t care??? the sentiment seems to be that trans men who are masculine, who pass, who are stealth, etc don’t belong in the lgbt+ community, shouldn’t be in lgbt+ or queer spaces. They’re not wanted there because of being masculine. These spaces are only for “non-men”. But the second you talk about your struggles as a trans man as a reason for why you should be included, you get pegged as an owo twink femboy to most people. It’s always one or the other (demonized or infantilized) and I’m really fucking sick of it. It hurts. I just want to be some guy.

[unholy-boi]

honestly though I am fucking terrified. im so scared about what this presidency will bring and i’m worried about my friends and my family and i know I’m in california so ~well at least it probably won’t hit us that hard!~ i am scared to death. Im scared for the whole world around me honestly. so much of America’s politics and governmental decisions are felt worldwide and for us in here as trans people and queer people and people of color im scared. I’m going to weather it though. I’m digging my fucking heels in. I’ll live. It’ll probably suck for myself and a lot of other people but I’m digging my goddamn heels in and I’m not going anywhere.

[luminantjess]

2024 CE Incident Report

Background

There was a whole damn calendar year where things happened, what the hell.

Impact

The stated goals for 2024 CE were, in order:

lol I have ADHD

and I didn’t write them down

fuck me I have no idea

Good job me! But I did start to explore polyamory, at the suggestion and encouragement of my lovely wife, which has led me to amazing partners, greater fulfillment in my life, and made my wife and I even closer than before! (If you don't know: that's close).

And I joined this hellsite, which has surprisingly been a good call. I've met more trans people here than anywhere else!

Going Forward

Screw looking back. Time is an illusion. What will happen has happened. In 2025 CE I will have already completed the following goals:

Take more lewd pictures and videos. I really enjoy showing off for people!

Stop being so defensive and cagey about being an enthusiastic sub! I’m still a switch, I still love to give some girls what they so desperately need, but it’s time to lean in to being a submissive little slut instead of mildly ashamed of it.

Get involved in my local queer scene more. There’s events happening literally blocks from me. Social anxiety can choke on it, I'm going.

Check out the local BDSM scene. One of my partners has a Mistress, and I’m not sure if that’s something I want but it's a thought I can't seem to put down. So, guess it's time for some exploration!

Continue my polyamory journey. There’s still a lot of mono stuff (jealousy chiefly, but there's a bunch of others) for me to fully unlearn, and it’s not always easy, but it’s something I want to put real effort into.

There's some other tech and career related stuff, but those are the important highlights.

This ends the 2024 CE Incident Report. Please consider the incident closed, and email your Zone's Tech Director with any questions.

[fizzseed]

Mike leans in and presses his lips to Will’s before he can manage to think it through. It’s lukewarm, and dry, and objectively a pretty shitty kiss. But it sends shivers down his spine and makes his hair stand on end and is, subjectively, the best kiss of his entire life. Until he leans back and Will’s eyes are wide and he feels his stomach drop and the panic set in. 

He just kissed Will. He kissed Will, who is a boy and who probably hates him now. He’s just gone and messed up the best thing he’s ever had, just because he can’t fucking keep himself in check. It feels a little bit like someone is pressing down on his chest, like someone’s reached their hands inside his ribcage and is squeezing his lungs. Mike stands up from the couch, leaving Will sitting on it, wide-eyed shell-shocked as he backs out of the room.

His legs feel weak, a little bit. He’s stumbling, not really sure where he’s going except away from Will like that will somehow make all of this better. When he glances up, Will is staring straight ahead with his fingers raised and pressed lightly to his lips. Like he wants to wipe any trace of Mike away but is too afraid to touch. Mike feels sick. 

He bumps into something, and that something ends up being Nancy, who holds her hands against his shoulder. “Hey, watch where— Mike?”

“Yeah?” he breathes, unsure of where to look. Wherever he puts his eyes doesn’t really matter because it’s like the afterimage of Will is burned into his retinas forever. He ends up staring at one of Nancy’s brown ringlet curls, still damp from the shower. She smells like bath salts. 

“Hey, what’s going on?” 

“Nothing,” Mike says, entirely unconvincing, “nothing, just…” he digs for an excuse, “just getting some snacks. Yeah. For our study session.”

Nancy looks over his shoulder, presumably at Will. “Okay,” she says, clearly not buying any of Mike’s nonsense, “why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

Mike’s stomach drops again. Because he’s horrible. Because he’s a queer and just kissed his best friend without permission and then left him sitting there without permission. Because he’s just lost Will, probably. For good this time.

“Mike,” Nancy says, tone suddenly concerned instead of confused, “breathe.”

He takes a deep, shuddering breath that sticks in his throat when he hears steps behind him. 

“Hi,” he hears Will say behind him, and Nancy smiles.

“Hi, Will,” she answers. “Do you know what’s up with Mike?” she asks.

Some petty, apparently invincible younger sibling part of Mike rears its ugly head at that. “I’m right here,” he says crossly. 

Will just hums, also like Mike isn’t there, but Mike can almost feel his gaze burning into his neck. He knows Will is looking at him, but doesn’t dare look back at him. “I have an idea,” Will says mildly. “You can go back to whatever you were doing, Nancy.”

She smiles crookedly, and says, “thanks.” Then she runs up the stairs. 

“Mike,” Will says quietly.

The squeezing feeling comes back. Maybe if he stands really still and doesn’t say anything, he’ll just… disappear. His heart is beating so hard. Already, he’s trying to figure out what the hell he’s going to do when he doesn’t have Will any more. Obviously, the Party is going to side with him because Mike is a creep, and there’s no shot he can stay in Hellfire, and he’ll be all alone. He’ll have to find a new table to sit at on Monday at lunch, or maybe he can just start having lunch in the bathrooms, even if that’s gross. At least it eliminates the embarrassment that would come with sitting literally anywhere else than with the people he’s sat with since third grade. 

“Mike, will you look at me?” Will says. Apparently, trying to dematerialize didn’t work. That’s a shame.

“Why,” Mike says hoarsely.

“Oh my god,” Will says, exasperated, “will you just do it?”

Mike blinks, then starts slowly turning around to face Will. Will, who is blushing a pretty light red and who is smiling and who has big shiny eyes. Will, who is diving forwards and throwing his arms around Mike’s neck and pressing his smile to Mike’s slack jaw, who is kissing him back. 

Okay. Yeah.

That works.

[thatgirlonstage]

I’m slowly working my way through Le Guin’s Earthsea series, which I’m mostly like, eh, it’s fine but it’s hardly seizing me by the skull and turning my brain inside out like her adult sci-fi stuff has so far. I don’t know if I’m too old for it and would have appreciated it more as a kid/teen, or it’s just not my thing in general (I see this series recc’ed a lot as an alternative for That Other Series Where Wizards Go To School and while I think that’s fine as a, here’s a book to buy your 8yo nephew instead of the other one, I really don’t think it’s a good rec for someone who used to love that series and is looking to fill that void, because the vibe is EXTREMELY different imo, especially after the first book)

I am however sitting and clutching my head about Farthest Shore and the incredibly casual gay teacher crush that Arren has on Ged.

It never goes anywhere, it is always suffused with the “teenager talking about the hot teacher” kind of feeling, and it evens out significantly over the course of the book into more platonic respect and companionship, but at the beginning it is absolutely a crush in the romantic/sexual sense and it is not subtle

And it just. This book was published in 1972. It is over two decades older than me. I could have read this book as a kid. I could have had this. I have no idea if it would have changed anything or gotten through to me earlier but… but I wish I’d had it.

I don’t know. There’s a lot of queer media stuff out now that I’m really happy kids have and in some abstract sense I might wish that I’d had that world growing up, but at the same time, I can’t… Steven universe or the owl house couldn’t have existed in 2001. The world would have to have been a fundamentally different place. And I don’t know the me who would have grown up in that world. I don’t know what they or she or he or xe would be like. That’s a different person who is not me.

But this—this has been here the whole time. I could have read this at any time. And I’ve never even heard of it. I feel like I maybe saw A Wizard of Earthsea on bookstore shelves sometimes? But I never touched it and I don’t know anyone who read it and I certainly had no fucking idea this kind of relationship was in the series until I read it with my own two eyes. Even as an adult I’ve only heard people talk about Wizard and a little bit about Tombs of Atuan. I knew absolutely nothing about Farthest Shore until I picked it up for myself.

I don’t have a neat conclusion here. I don’t even know if I have a point. I’m just. Missed opportunities.

[sylvesterelle]

Ode to Kate Laswell and her hot wife

I, a person who knows fuck-all about video games, have found myself totally enamored with several COD characters snowballing from one (1) compelling Tiktok edit. I then hallucinated an entire novel-length fic on a 12-hour drive to Colorado, which is new for me, and am now writing that fic for NaNoWriMo, which is also not a thing I’ve ever done before.

Naturally, in the middle of it I got distracted and wrote an entire teary 1.4k backstory chapter for Kate Laswell and her hot wife. They are very, very important to me.

Enjoy.

TW: Homophobic language, physical assault, WASP parents

“Are you sure she’ll be alright? I don’t know if I like the idea of her all alone up there with four strange men.”

Kate snorted, leaning down to press a kiss on her wife’s crown. They were curled together on their bed in their small, whitewashed cottage outside of Brighton. Close enough to London to get her anywhere she needed to be and far enough away that this space could just be theirs.

Well, theirs and Goose’s—their Bernese Mountain dog, dumb as a stick and the embodiment of everything good in Kate’s life. Even after the worst missions, she could come here and feel whole again, watching him play in the surf or dig potatoes in the garden, Bea crowing with approval as dirt caught all along his nose and paws.

Kate tugged Bea a little closer, reveling in her warmth. “You know she’s more than capable of protecting herself if she needed to. How many poisonous seedlings did you give her, again?”

“They have legitimate medicinal uses,” Bea grumbled, but dissolved into laughter when Kate pressed kisses wildly over her face. “Okay, okay! Mercy.”

Kate pulled back, tucking her wife securely under her chin. Breathed in the scent of lavender and other herbs that always carried in her hair and perfumed the house.

“I promise I would never put her in danger,” Kate said now, more seriously.  “And you know John nearly as well as I do now.”

Bea sighed, burrowing her face deeper into Kate’s neck, muffling her acknowledgement. “I know. It’s the others I’m worried about. Unknown quantities.”

“Known to me, love, I promise. It’s past time you met the rest of the lot—especially now they’re ‘officially’ considered KIA. Even if we sort this whole mess out, I can’t see a future in which they go right back to work for the SAS, no harm no foul.” She passed a hand over her lover’s hair, soothing. “They’re good boys, Bumblebee. You’ll like ‘em. Bit rough around the edges, but so was she when we found her.”

“You and your strays.”

“I was your stray once, remember?” Kate smiled at the memory.

Bea had found her wandering around Brighton Pride nearly two decades earlier, sheepish and awed, in England on temporary assignment. Just happened to be there in August, when hundreds of thousands flocked to the “queer capital” of the UK. Took one look at the reserved American and rapidly adopted her, welcoming into her home and her community and her bed.  

Kate had always known who she was. Knew when she played soccer in high school (“football,” she could hear Price’s phantom correction) and nursed an embarrassingly enormous crush on Hannah Wells, both center backs that were devastating when they took the field together.

Knew when she had her first kiss on her college dorm bed in Ithaca, just a shy press of lips over open poli-sci textbooks and highlighters, the call of the wood-thrushes pouring in through an open window.

Knew it when she tried to come out to her patrician mother and was told you can have your little indulgences, but keep it out of the spotlight. Wouldn’t want to risk your father’s reelection campaign, now would we?

The good senator was such a distant figure in Kate’s life—rarely home, cloistered in his study when he was—that she hadn’t bothered to try to tell him. Didn’t tell anyone for years after that, actually.

Not until a superior officer found her hiding a bloodied eye and lip and a few cracked ribs while returning to the Farm—the CIA training base in Williamsburg.

A group of rowdy men outside the bar hadn’t taken kindly to her attempts to brush them off. Had taken it worse when her temper flared (“What, you one of those fucking dykes or somethin’?” “So, what if I am, asshole?”).

She’d gotten in more than a few solid hits, but four-against-one were never good odds.

The officer who found her was on temporary assignment, an expert in clandestine intelligence assigned to teach recruits how to cultivate international assets. An intimidating man—tall and severe, face giving nothing away. He had ordered her to tell him what happened, didn’t let her wiggle away with half-truths.

Didn’t know what she expected when she finished—these were firmly the days of “don’t ask, don’t tell.”

But the man simply nodded, finished cleaning up her wounds, then bundled her off to his small family off-base. Ignored Kate’s protests when he introduced her to his wife and young daughter as a guest who would be staying with them while she recovered and ambled away pleasantly any time she brought it up afterwards, looking for all the world like he didn’t hear her.

The six weeks it took for her ribs to heal were some of the happiest in Kate’s life. The man who had inspired terror among the new recruits became someone else entirely at home—boundless energy, easy to laughter, a smile that creased his eyes and caused a dimple to furrow one cheek when he danced his wife around the kitchen, crooning in her ear.

She was Russian, to Kate’s complete surprise, though well-practiced in disappearing her accent outside of those walls. She was a total firecracker with a wicked sense of humor and Kate maybe, possibly developed a huge hero-worship crush on her, enamored as much with her wide, freckled face and gap-toothed smile as she did the eleven languages she spoke.

Never learned the details at the time, but Kate knew she was much more than the stay-at-home mother she pretended to be—only years after her death found out the true breadth of what she and her husband were working on. But the love in that little family was no cover, and the little girl was at the center of it all.

Kate had never wanted children of her own, never even considered it, but she grew undeniably fond of the little troublemaker over those weeks. The kid was a cornucopial life-affirmer, running full-tilt at the world while the rest of them chased after her.

Her mom joked that she had been born laughing instead of crying, and her father insisted it was true. He would know; she had her mother’s eyes and penchant for freckles, but her smile and her laugh were all her dad’s. Her talent for “adventuring” herself out of the house to be found up trees and inside goat pens and once even wandering around on base after hiding in the car trunk, well. That was probably a bit of both of them.

God, Kate missed them. Missed her. Hadn’t seen her nearly enough lately, nowhere enough to make up for all those years she lost, gone so thoroughly to ground that not even Kate could find her. And even after, she hadn’t often seen her happy—not in the way she always imagined that scraped-knee little adventurer should be.

The way she would be again, if Kate had anything to say about it.

“I know you’re worried love, but I think this will be good for her—for all of them. She’s been alone too long and needs more in her life than just her father’s old friends, his old projects. They need a place where they can remember how to be more than soldiers. Remind themselves what they’re actually fighting for.”

Kate buried her nose in her wife’s silky strands, inhaling deeply once more for strength.

“I almost lost them all, Bea. I knew John was running himself and his team ragged, that they’d forgotten they weren’t just bodies to be thrown at a problem. I should have put a stop to it long before—.”

Well, long before she had to spend 72 hours scrambling to put together a covert rescue. Not knowing who to trust, forcing herself not to wonder every second if they were alive or dead, bodies crushed beneath a mountain.

“I know my love, I know,” Bea soothed, running a hand against her wife’s back, gentling her. “But they’re safe now, you saved them. You saved them.” She hummed into Kate’s throat, biting a little when her wife squirmed at the ticklish sensation.  “You know, I find I’m rather attracted by your silly, audacious, dare-I-say optimistic plan.  Now stop sniffing my hair and come and kiss me,” she ordered.

Kate was only too happy to comply.