#I’m gonna be so disappointed if this was all just common knowledge and i’m an idiot

[castiwls]

coach (doesn't) always know best .ᐟ

Paring; coach!patrick x single mom!reader

Synopsis; Patrick continues to be a thorn in your side whether he means to or not. When you get a phone call claiming your son had hit another kid you had a damn good idea who had a hand in this.

Notes; part two to my coach one shot kinda? I think I'm gonna write more one shots which all link into a larger story? I'm not good with full series but I have an idea where I wanna take this. ALSO named the kid Noah to help make it easier

Masterlist | coach!au masterlist

You were pissed - scratch that seething. 

You’ve been having a good week. Work had been easy and thankfully so had your son, Noah had his moments even at eight he was still prone to random emotional outbursts which always left a slight pit in your stomach.

You’d never planned to be a single parent and sometimes you really wanted to need someone else to rant to whenever you fucked up. Though this time it wasn’t you who had fucked up.

“What made you think that was okay?” Your son watched from the kitchen table, his eyes wide with the guilt you knew was eating at him. He’d been quiet ever since you’d come to pick him up from school besides mumbling apologies he’d barely spoken something which left you uneasy. 

“I have always told you to never put your hands on someone else! If a kid is mean to you or your friends you go get a teacher.” A sigh left your lips as you paused in front of him. This was completely new ground. He was a good kid, the best which is why you’d been in utter disbelief when you’d gotten the phone call telling you to come pick him up.

You’d immediately assumed he must have been sick but his teacher had quickly curved that by telling you that your son had taken it upon himself to hit another kid at break. You knew the kid he’d hit was a brat - it was common knowledge - but that didn’t make a difference on how your son had acted. 

His little feet kicked idly as he stared at his hands. “I know he was being mean to your friend okay? And he shouldn’t have taken that toy but you shouldn’t have hit him.” You knelt your hand rubbing over his knee. 

“You're mad.” He mumbled reusing to look up. “I’m disappointed.” You corrected him. 

His cheated heaved as he took a breath, and you already knew he wasn’t far off crying. The disappointment was far worse than anger in his mind. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled, his hands pulling at his polo.

“I know you are. But why?” You couldn’t get your head around why he had hit this kid! Ever since he was young you’d discouraged hitting and he’d never attempted it since starting school. You were sure you’d curved the habit but now you were unsure. 

“Why did you hit him?”

Noah sniffled his shoulders slumping as you watched him, waiting. He knew he wasn’t getting out of this one. “He kept being mean to Conner and he wouldn’t do anything! He pushed him over yesterday and the teacher didn’t believe us.” Your jaw tightened slightly as he relayed the story. “That doesn’t mean you hit him.”

He nodded. “I mentioned it last night at practice, and Conner got upset, so Patrick asked what happened, and he said that a bully won't stop unless you show him you're just as strong.” He looked up, his big eyes wet, as he rubbed a fist across his ruddy cheeks. 

You hummed pulling him in for a hug.

You were gonna kill Patrick.

⋆·˚ ༘ *⋆·˚ ༘ *⋆·˚ ༘ *

“You told my son to hit a boy.” 

Patrick grimaced leaning against his car as your voice carried down the phone. “Hello to you too.” He mumbled. 

“Patrick.” You snapped. 

“I didn’t tell him to hit the kid!”

“You told him to get him back! He’s eight! He doesn’t understand that ‘get him back’ doesn’t mean literally do the same thing.”

“I didn’t think he’d listen to me! I was just tryna make the kid feel better.” You scoffed mumbling under your breath. Shifting his grip on the phone he took another drag of his cigarette. “I’m sorry alright! I didn’t think he’d take it literally.”

He couldn’t lie part of him got a small kick out of it. The teachers weren’t doing anything and at least your son had the guts to stand up to the kid. Maybe he’d gone about it the wrong way but still, he doubted that kid would be trying anything again soon. 

“Get your ass over here right now.” Your tone was still harsh as you watched the window. “I want you to tell him what he did was wrong.”

Patrick’s eyes widened. “Hey, I’m his tennis coach, not some sorta ethics teacher.” He stamped out the cigarette a small smirk pulling at his lips as memories of that last time he’d ended up at your door flashed through his mind. 

Hell, that had been the first time he’d managed to render you speechless…more than once. He’d taken great amusement in the way you’d refused to look at him for the full week after, almost as if you were embarrassed that he’d worn you down that fast.

“I think you just want an excuse to get me back into your house.” He heard your groan and his grin only widened. “Mhm. One time wasn’t enough?”

“I’m going to skin you alive Zweig.”

“I love when you talk like that. It’s kinda hot knowing you think about me…even if it is about my demise.”

A scowl formed on your face as your hand tightened over your phone. Damn him. 

“You’ll be here in 30 minutes or i will make sure you can’t have any children.”

He chuckled, tongue darting out to wet his lips. He could almost picture the look on your face, the way your jaw clenched as your eyes would darken just a smidge.

“Anything you say, Sweetheart.”

⋆·˚ ༘ *⋆·˚ ༘ *⋆·˚ ༘ *

It only took one ring for you to open the door, a tight smile pulling at your lips as you let him in. “Just in time.” You mumbled not missing the way his eyes seemed to take an elevator sweep of your body.

Patrick grinned, hands shoved into his jeans as you closed the door. “Look’s like my future children are safe huh?”

“For now.” 

You turned heading towards the kitchen before yelling over your shoulder. “Take your shoes off.”

Patrick rolled his eyes before kicking his shoes off and following you through the entryway. Noah looked up from his plate, his eyes widening before a bright grin broke out when he noticed Patrick behind you. He raised his hand in greeting which Patrick returned with a smile of his own. 

“You remember how i spoke to you about what you did?” Noah’s gaze moved to you, his smile dulling slightly as he nodded. “Yeah.” You gestured to Patrick as you leaned against the counter. 

Patrick frowned something in his chest pulling at the way the normally lively boy seemed subdued almost as he listened to you. “Patricks gonna talk to you about the conversation you had alright?” You pushed off the counter sending Patrick a look which said ‘Don’t fuck this up’ before you paused by the doorway.

“You're not in trouble.” You reminded gently. Noah nodded, his shoulders relaxing when he registered that Patrick wasn’t there to yell at him. You smiled before turning to leave. “Wait. wait, wait, wait. You're not gonna…stay” He gestured to your son. 

“This is your problem.” You hummed watching as the man gaped at you. “You can solve this by telling him what you actually meant.” Patrick seemed to snap out of his shock. He’d caused this mess and now you were letting him talk to your son about it again! You were letting him parent your damn child!

He was not qualified for this. 

You sighed stepping closer as Noah watched you both. “I already laid the groundwork you just have to reinforce it. He’s gonna listen to you since it's you who he listened to the first time.” 

Before he could respond you’d already wandered away. He watched for a moment as you disappeared up the stairs before he turned back to the boy. Taking a small breath he clapped his hands before pulling out the chair next to him. 

“Alright kid, ready to talk?”

⋆·˚ ༘ *⋆·˚ ༘ *⋆·˚ ༘ *

Half an hour later you were growing angsty. They were still talking. You hadn’t heard any screaming yet, neither had Patrick come looking for you which you assumed was a good thing.

Though you were quickly running out of chores. You’d cleaned your room and his room before doing both bathrooms. It couldn't help to just go and check…right?

Curiosity getting the better of you, you quietly returned downstairs. The soft echo of voices reached your ears as you paused by the kitchen door, peering through the crack. Your lips parted in slight shock as you watched your son nodding eagerly at whatever his coach was saying. 

He was practically half-lent across the table as he listened. The room fell quiet for a moment before your son's voice filled the silence. “Mommies still mad.” He said, his lips pulling into a frown. “Your Mom’s not upset bud.” Patrick sighed resting a hand on the table. 

“She’s probably just shocked more than anything. Shocked and maybe disappointed but she's not mad.” He reassured, his tone softer than you’d ever heard. Something in your chest pulled as you watched the two. The way your son shifted ever closer filled you with a slight warmth.

Your ex wasn’t the best father, too caught up in his own company even when he had Noah to make an effort. You knew he was missing a male role model and you’d spent many nights kicking yourself for the downfall of your relationship.

He really trusted Patrick. You swallowed your hand curling over the door knob as your son got off his chair. You watched with bated breath as he stopped by Patrick's legs, his small voice mumbling. “Hug?”

Patrick seemed to freeze for a moment, his eyes glancing around the room. He didn’t seem to notice you before he looked back down to Noah’s pleading gaze. “Sure buddy.” He smiled helping the boy climb into his lap.

Patrick fumbled for a moment before figuring out the best way to hold him, his large hands rubbing over his back. “You know you're really lucky right?” Noah hummed pulling back slightly. “How?”

Patrick smiled. “Your mom really loves you. The fact she was so worried over this means that she really cares okay? I promise you she’s not mad.” Noah nodded. “She's not mad,” he repeated, the message finally seeming to sink in as he buried his head back into Patrick's chest. 

His hand continued to rub soothing patterns as he let himself enjoy the affection. It made his heart warm almost the way the little boy seemed to finally properly relax. “You really hit the jackpot.” He teased feeling Noah shift. 

“I’m pretty sure you got the best mom in the whole world.”

Noah giggled pulling back again. “I did!” He grinned. 

You stepped back, your head hitting the wall as their voices drifted into the background. Taking a breath you tried to suppress the smile pulling at your lips as the scene replayed over and over in your head. 

Patrick thought you were a good Mom. The thought was insane. The fact that you liked it was even wilder.

Taking a breath you pushed off the wall. You’d let them be for now.

[egcdeath]

spectator sport

pairing: joel miller x reader

summary: you and joel are the most competitive parents in your daughters’ soccer league. as it turns out, it’s not so easy being enemies when your daughters become best friends.

word count: 4.8k

warnings: canon divergent (no apocalypse yay!), rivals(?) to lovers, they don’t really like each other at the start but they also kinda do?, fluff, realizing feelings, domestic moments, yearning, allusions to a divorce 

author’s note: tlou is an angsty masterpiece, but sometimes all i want is a little lighthearted fun. is this the most in character thing?? no! is it more fun to imagine malewife joel in a world without cordyceps? well… you tell me ;) 

part two / series masterlist

“You got it, Chlo,” you cheered from behind a spray painted white line on a cleat-beaten grassy field. You balled your fists as you anxiously watched your daughter chase after the ball with a ferocity, herding it closer and closer towards the goal.

Your daughter had always had a passion for soccer, having watched professional matches with her father since the moment she could comprehend the game, and playing as soon as she could walk. Chloe had leaned even further into the sport following you and your ex-husband’s somewhat messy divorce, which left you in charge of bringing her to practices on Tuesdays, and games on Thursdays. It wasn’t like you minded much, you were always happy to support your daughter in whatever brought her joy. 

“Pass it! Pass it!” a loud, masculine voice interjected as the man next to you shouted at your daughter. 

Joel was not exactly your favorite parent on the team. While most of the parents enjoyed his presence, with his oddly wise advice for the girls and vocal support of the team (it also helped that he was quite easy on the eyes), something about the man had always thrown you off. Maybe it was his stubborn demeanor, or the way that he found a way to argue with you during every single game, without fail. 

Now, as far as soccer parents went, you weren’t the worst. You had your moments of snapping at a shitty referee after a particularly rough week at work, or possibly being a little too enthusiastic when something bad happened to the opposing team, but somehow Joel always managed to do or say something that provoked you just enough to go back and forth with him.

Chloe glanced over in his direction, briefly losing her footing in perfect time for a member of the opposing team to snatch the ball right out from under her. 

There was a collective groan from some of the more intense parents on your side, and you openly glared at them for indicating their disappointment with your daughter’s performance. But this wasn’t their fault. It was Joel’s.

“Great call out there,” you spat, shooting daggers in Joel’s direction as you took a few steps closer to where he was standing.

“Oh please,” you could practically hear the roll of his eyes in his words as he prepared to defend himself from your vitriol. “You think I wanted that to happen? I’m rooting for the whole team, not just my child.”

“I am not just rooting for my kid,” you delivered the statement a little too genuinely considering that the truth was probably closer to the opposite. “But you’re acting like you wouldn’t have felt the same way if it was your daughter.”

“I wouldn’t, ‘cause I understand that we’re probably gonna win,” Joel responded casually with a shrug of his shoulders. 

“Well, we would’ve had a much better shot at that if you weren’t so dead set on yelling shitty directions at the girls. Maybe leave that to their coach?”

“Hey, don’t curse! You’re forgetting there are kids around,” one of the fathers interjected, sounding far more offended than he needed to be. 

“Shut up, Mark,” you and Joel said at almost the same time, voices overlapping. Your little spats were yours and yours only, and you’d thought it was common knowledge by now not to interfere when any of the parents were getting into it—but especially with you two. 

As usual, your little back and forth seemed to go on and on. It had reached the point where you weren’t even really sure it had anything to do with the game as much as it had to do with the text you’d received from your ex just a few hours before the game, and whatever bullshit Joel had going on in his own life.

As much as you’d like to say you had self awareness, week after week the other parents shared knowing looks and snickered at your spectacle, yet being the laughing stock of the game didn’t deter either of you. 

This week’s argument was no different. 

To be quite honest, you hadn’t ever really paid attention to those who treated your spats as their mid-game entertainment. Right now, all you could think about was stupid Joel, shouting something stupid at your daughter, making her lose her focus, and miss out on a moment. 

Well, maybe you two had too much tunnel vision, as an uproar of cheers from your side pulled both of your attention from each other, and to the celebrating team on the field. Particularly, Chloe and Sarah high-fiving as they jogged away from the goal. 

Awkwardly the two of you clapped, cheering the names of your respective children. You didn’t miss the slight flush of red on Joel’s cheeks after missing the sight of his daughter working with yours to score, but you would be a liar if you didn’t admit that you felt the slightest hint of embarrassment too.

The game wrapped up soon after, with a quick discussion with the coach before the children were dismissed back to their families. As you waited for Chloe, you didn’t miss the newfound camaraderie between herself and Sarah, with the girls seemingly laughing at something as they made their way over to you. 

Despite whatever negative feelings you may have had towards Joel, you were always happy to see your daughter happy, and if that meant you may have to tolerate the father of her friend, maybe, just maybe, you would stop treating her games as an arena for your shouting matches.

——

As an involved parent, you were no stranger to school fundraisers. For the most part, you would enter a raffle and sit through a catered dinner as the school choir butchered school-appropriate songs, or purchase a handful of chocolate bars from whatever kid was knocking at your door. However, for this fundraiser, Chloe insisted that you volunteer. 

It was a simple bake sale occurring during school hours, and you had the day off. How bad could it really be?

Apparently, really bad. 

Just minutes after you arrived and began to set out the cash box and assorted baked goods, an unwelcome presence joined you, immediately bringing an uncomfortable tension into the atmosphere. If you knew when you signed up for this event that you would be working with Joel Miller, you could guarantee you wouldn’t have been so eager to register.

“Oh, hey,” you tensely acknowledged after a moment, glancing up at the man who was joining you, then back down at the bagged brownies in front of you.

“Hey,” he responded just a second too quickly, then went silent as he seemed to feel out the awkward tension in the room. After a few seconds of heavy silence that felt closer to an hour, he finally added, “Any ways can I help out?” 

Joel gestured to the table where you’d been organizing some of the baked goods. “Is there a method to your madness? Or just…” he trailed off awkwardly. 

It was obvious that he hadn’t expected to be working with you, likely not enthused to be spending a good portion of the day in such close proximity with someone he clearly did not like being around. The situation was almost comical—spending hours in a school with someone that you weren’t sure you could spend five minutes with without breaking into explicit argument. Obviously it would be inappropriate to argue with him in this setting, so you reasoned that for the duration of your shift, you could at least attempt to be cordial.

“Uh, they just want us to keep twenty items out at a time,” you shrugged. You could be cordial. You could just give Joel instructions, then only interact with him when need be. “And to keep gluten free items in this basket. Other than that, everything is set up. The first lunch period’s in about a half hour, so we won’t have much to do until then.”

“Got it,” Joel nodded, pulling out a rather squeaky chair before taking a seat next to you. 

The following few minutes could only be described as painfully awkward. You could cut the tension with a knife as you attempted to scroll nonchalantly on your phone, and Joel uncomfortably rubbed his hands on his jeans. This was going to be a long afternoon.

“So, what made you decide to help out today?” he asked out of the blue, drawing your attention away from your phone and over to his face.

Okay, you could handle small talk without getting into an argument. Besides, it’s not like you had anything to argue about. And to be frank, were your arguments really ever anything of substance? Sure, sometimes you both had done something slightly annoying or antagonistic, but your arguments never really felt that serious. 

“Chloe knew I had the day off and pretty enthusiastically suggested I come help,” you shrugged as almost a means to shake some of your nerves out. “How about you?”

“Pretty similar on my end. Sarah thought it would be a great idea for me to come in today and help out.” Joel looked at you, then back down at his watch, as if he didn’t want to maintain eye contact for too long. 

What a strange coincidence. Both of your daughters suggest you come to their school and work together on something.

You bit back whatever emotion it was involuntarily forming on your lips as it occurred to you that there was not a chance in Hell that this was accidental. Sarah and Chloe seemed to be quite close—you rarely heard a story that didn’t involve Sarah these days—and it was not unlike your daughter to plot schemes to try to fix relationships, a trait you and your ex-husband know a little too well. Clever, clever girls.

“What are the odds this was on purpose?” you asked, finally not restraining your entertainment by this whole situation. How ridiculous. And ironic. How ridiculously ironic. 

“I’m gonna go out on a limb and say quite high,” Joel pressed his lips together and shook his head to himself. 

And while you’d rather have your child just communicate to you that you’re embarrassing her at games, or that she would prefer you to be at the very least amicable with her new best friend’s father, at the end of the day you couldn’t really blame her for pulling off an elaborate plot. Besides, your feud with Joel was silly and unnecessary, and part of you had always wondered if you hadn’t spent so much time arguing with him, if you two would actually get along. 

“If they did plan this, which they most certainly did, we have some smart kids,” you chuckled softly. “And maybe for the sake of them, we can attempt to be… friendly?”

Joel nodded slowly, “I can do friendly.”

A truce. Although the tension between you could still be cut with a knife, it felt nice to agree at the very least not to start a war at the little table. 

”Can we really blame them for setting us up?” you pondered aloud, “I mean, who would want their best friend’s parents to be enemies?”

“We’re enemies?” Joel asked with a lift of his brow.

“Well,” you paused. You weren’t really enemies. Despite all of the heated arguments, more times than not, Joel provided you a pretty safe outlet to vent your feelings without many repercussions. “Maybe… rivals?”

Joel shrugged, “Maybe. I know for certain I don’t see you as an enemy. Although, I apologize if I ever made you feel that way.”

Was Joel… apologizing? First, working together with the man, and now an apology. Maybe you should’ve gone and visited your psychic after all, with the unpredictable way your week was turning out. 

“I’m sorry,” he admitted, sounding quite genuine. You still weren’t completely sure that this was some weird joke, or that you’d woken up in a parallel dimension. “For always stirring the pot during games. It’s really quite-“

“Joel, it’s really not an issue,” earnestly and without a thought you interrupted the apologetic man, not wanting him to feel the guilt of being solely responsible for your little tussles. “I don’t take anything you say during games seriously. But I also want to apologize. It’s probably not the best to find little things to argue about every week.”

“I just wanted to be clear that I don’t hate you or anything,” he emphasized.

“Well I don’t want you to think I hate you either. If we’re being honest, it’s been pretty nice to be able to inconsequentially blow off steam every now and then. If anything, you’re doing me a favor.”

The corners of his lips turned up and into the slightest smile at your admission, and suddenly it had felt as if a weight had lifted off of your shoulders, and a bit more of the tension had dissolved in the room. 

“No hard feelings?” he offered. 

“None. Maybe the opposite,” you teased.

“Well, you know what they say about love and hate…”

“Now that may be a step too far.”

As it turned out, you and Joel made a pretty efficient bake sale team. Joel helped the kids pick out their baked goods, and you cashed the kids out. Sure, it wasn’t the most complex operation, but it felt nice to be in such a comfortable rhythm, especially considering the majority of your professional work you did alone. 

By the end of your shift, you were far less displeased with your situation. In fact, one might even say that you enjoyed spending your afternoon at the sale with your daughter’s best friend’s father. Maybe Chloe and Sarah’s plot to force you together wasn’t so terrible after all. 

Maybe Joel wasn’t so terrible after all.

——-

Every year, Autumn means one thing in your town: the annual fall festival.

It was honestly impressive the way that the entire community would go all out to put on such a large event in order to adequately honor the season, although part of you was convinced that the whole weekend-long event was an excuse for kids and adults alike to indulge in candy apples and Oreo turkeys and show off unnaturally large pumpkins. 

This year was no different, and as tradition, you and Chloe hauled yourselves down to the festival. It just happened to be your luck that as you were exiting the car, a pickup truck pulling into a parking space caught Chloe’s attention. 

“It’s Sarah!” your daughter informed you, practically skipping over to the vehicle. You followed after your daughter (who just so happened to be much faster than you) as she pulled her friend into a hug the very moment she popped out of the car. 

Joel hopped out as well, glancing at your children who already seemed to be walking off towards the fair, then back to you.

“How are you?” he asked, fidgeting with his keys as he put them into his pocket. It was clear that despite deciding not to feud anymore, things were still a little fresh and weird between you two. 

“Good, good,” you trailed off, nodding slowly as you slipped your hands into your own pockets and began to follow the two girls. Somehow, Joel ended up walking next to you as you trailed behind your daughters, and a light tension filled the air. 

Despite feeling slightly more comfortable with him after your shift together at the bake sale, it was clear that there was still some strange awkward energy between you two. After all, you had only made amends around a week ago, and prior to that, the majority of your interactions had included some sort of verbal altercation.

Walking into the fair, you maintained a less-than-comfortable silence as your daughters chatted and led the way to the field, filled with booths and stations as far as your eye could see. 

After a bit of aimless walking around, Chloe suggested a stop at a cornhole station. Watching your respective children play from the sidelines, you couldn’t help but crack a smile at the pure, unadulterated joy coming from your daughter as her and Sarah bantered with each other and tossed little bean bags. After ending with a tie, the pair began to walk away from where they were standing before pausing in front of you and Joel.

“You guys should play!” Sarah suggested enthusiastically, looking up at her father with an animated look in her eyes. 

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” Joel trailed off and glanced at you as if he wanted to check how you were feeling on the matter. 

Sure, you didn’t have the upper body strength of someone who did construction for a living, but you were confident in your ability to kick some ass at corn hole. 

“C’mon, mom. And you too, Joel. It’s fun! It’ll be fun!” Chloe, ever the instigator, egged you on. 

“Alright, alright, since you insist,” you played up your reluctance, but happily accepted the red beanbags your daughter offered you. “It’s on, Miller,” you said as you approached the boards. 

“Just you wait,” he shot back, matching the overconfident, cocky persona you’d seemed to put on. “Before I embarrass you, I’ll be polite and let you go first.”

“How kind,” you playfully rolled your eyes, but focused long enough to toss the pack not too hard and not too light, and it slid on the board before landing in the hole. “What was that about embarrassing myself?”

Heckling Joel was unsurprisingly quite easy, considering the majority of your interactions prior to the past week had consisted of taking blows at each other. What you didn’t expect was how naturally the banter between you flowed when both of you were able to acknowledge that what you were saying really wasn’t serious at all.

“I think that was called luck. You still have plenty of time to embarrass yourself,” Joel didn’t even miss a beat as he tossed his bean bag with ease, landing right into the hole.

You’d be lying if you said you weren’t impressed by his aim, and that your confidence hadn’t slightly faltered. For once in your life, it was possible that a man wasn’t over exaggerating his capabilities.

“Not bad, Joel,” you brushed his accomplishment off as you went to toss your next bag. This time, you weren’t so lucky, and your turn ended with your beanbag on the side of the board.

Chloe and Sarah dramatically reacted from the side, cheering or whooping whenever they saw fit. In a weird way, it was like your roles had been reversed. You and Joel were no longer the overenthusiastic spectators.

“What did I say? Luck,” Joel tutted. “Look, girls. I’ll show you how a real expert does it.”

Turning his back to you and the board, Joel attempted to toss his bag through the board, yet as he turned back around, he found it in the grass between your two boards. 

You, Sarah, and Chloe erupted into laughter at the irony of it all, so much so that Joel couldn’t even help but to join in. 

“Great job, ‘real expert’. Can you teach me your ways?”

You were somewhat stunned with the speed at which the ice had broken between you and Joel. Just a few minutes ago walking into the fair, you were nervous that the evening would be tense and awkward, yet here you were, teasing and laughing right along with each other.

Once your laughter subsided, you both tossed your last bags, with you making it in and Joel missing. After a gratuitous moment of celebration, Joel walked over to you and extended his hand for a handshake. You took up his offer, and firmly shook his hand. 

“Good job out there. You were a worthy opponent.”

“Thank you, Joel. I could say the same, but I won’t. Y’know, since you lost.”

This received a giggle from your kids as Joel abruptly dropped your hand, feigning offense. Maybe it had just been a long time since you’d received any physical affection at all, but the loss of his brief grip stirred something strange deep inside of you. 

Ew. No. 

You could barely tolerate this man a week ago. Sure, he wasn’t terrible to look at, and your daughter had seemed to take a liking to him, but you’d be remiss if you hadn’t thought about all of those charged arguments you’d had during soccer games. You had only just recently considered him to be anything more than a nuisance. 

“Where to next?” Joel asked, pulling you out of your head as the girls began to chatter and move in the direction of whatever booth had caught their eyes. 

That was a train of thought for another time. Maybe you’d let yourself think about it tonight night, as you attempt to fall asleep in a bed that’s far too big for one person and far too cold without someone else there. But not here, where the situation felt like a live wire, and a little too real for your liking. 

——

For the most part, Chloe’s soccer hobby took up more time than it gave you. The time it took going to practices, games, and tournaments quickly added up, on top of working an absurd amount to make sure that you could pay the mortgage and club fees on time and keep your child happy. The one exception to this general rule were team dinner nights—a night where you didn’t have to worry about spending an hour or two in the kitchen, giving you far more free time to do whatever you wanted.

This time around, Joel was hosting the dinner at his place. Clearly, Chloe was excited to be spending the evening at her closest friend’s home, and you’d be lying if you said you weren’t the slightest bit curious to see what his place looked like.

And maybe, just maybe, you were the slightest bit excited to see Joel again. 

“Can we just go over early?” she requested as you checked the nearly done cookies in the oven. “Can I go over early to hang out with Sarah? Please?”

You practically could hear the puppy dog eyes in her voice, and when you looked over to her, she was indeed looking at you with a somewhat convincing sense of desperation. It was never easy for you to say no to your daughter, which she unfortunately knew. This time was no different. 

Sighing softly, you conceded, “have Sarah ask her dad if you can come by.”

Chloe cheered as she dashed off to the other room, seemingly reaching out to her friend who very quickly responded, as your daughter was back in just a few minutes with confirmation that she could come by any time. 

Quickly pulling the cookies out from the oven and throwing them into a container, you packed Chloe into the car, and hauled her over to her friend’s house. 

Chloe grabbed your Tupperware and skipped to the door, politely knocking and waiting patiently as you stayed seated in your car, just to make sure your daughter got in okay. As if she was awaiting Chloe’s arrival (and she most definitely was), Sarah pulled open the door the moment Chloe had put her knuckles to the door and welcomed her friend in. 

A somewhat muffled voice from inside called something out, leaving Sarah to relay it back to you: “Before you go, my dad wanted to know if you wanted to stop in for a drink?” she called out, just loud enough for you to hear from your open window.

Any other day, you would’ve said no. But for some reason, coming in and checking in just felt right today—so that was exactly what you did. It wasn’t like you and Joel weren’t in friendship territory with each other. 

While the girls ran off upstairs, you made your way to the kitchen to find a very stressed-looking Joel. He was in complete disarray as he checked the oven twice, then the fridge for something, then stirred something in a pot.

“Hey, you alright?” you asked right off the bat, setting down the container of cookies your daughter had given back to you onto his countertop. 

“Yeah, fine. Just didn’t think about how I was gonna cook all of this in time,” he moved away from the stovetop and towards a cupboard to grab you a glass. “Now what would you like to drink? I’ve got some coke, some juice, something a little stronger…?”

“Just water is fine,” you hummed, awkwardly standing by the counter. “Joel, do you want some help? You know, four hands are better than two. And I’m pretty competent when it comes to reading and following a recipe.”

“Please,” he barely let you finish speaking before he spoke, and desperation was practically dripping off his tone as he passed you a glass of water.

You weren’t sure you expected him to say yes, but you were somewhat surprised when he agreed anyway. He didn’t exactly seem like the type to accept help, let alone ask for it. Joel must’ve been even more stressed than you initially picked up on. 

“Of course. What would you like me to do?”

“Uh, if you could just cut up some of the fruit that would be great,” the man ran his hands through his hair as he approached the fridge once more.

You nodded and walked over to the cutting board where it was clear that Joel had begun to attempt cutting some fruit up, but had been interrupted by one of the many pots on the stovetop or dishes in the oven.

Although you didn’t necessarily envision your evening being spent in a frantic Joel Miller’s kitchen, you weren’t particularly mad at it. It didn’t take long for you two to fall into that easy collaborative rhythm that you seemed to always have when it came to working together. Maybe you weren’t too bad of a team after all. 

By the time the doorbell rang with the first family, you and Joel had just finished up, and your daughters had just about finished setting up the table in the dining room and on the patio. Taking you by surprise, Joel reached out for a high-five, which gave you a hearty laugh as the two of you tapped hands.

“I appreciate your help,” he remarked. “You saved my ass tonight.”

By all means, dinner was a success. Parents and children raved about how good everything was, and conversing with Joel and the other parents was surprisingly easy—despite you not noticing the knowing looks that a few of the more gossipy moms frequently shot each other. 

Luckily, a few families assisted in cleaning things up after dinner before heading out, cutting the time you’d need to spend helping with cleaning pretty significantly. As the night wound down, it came as no surprise when Chloe asked if she and Sarah could hang out for just a bit longer. It’s not like an extra hour would kill you, especially not when Joel was pulling out a bottle of white wine and suggesting sitting out on the patio in the pleasant Austin autumn weather. 

As you got settled into your seat, Joel poured you out a glass before pouring himself some. You sighed contentedly, happy with a rather pleasant evening, but tired from the stress of the day. 

“Thank you for helping me out. There’s no way in hell I could’ve done this without you,” he confessed, peering deeply into your eyes. He looked at you for just a moment too long, the attention bringing a warmth to your face.

“I’m always happy to help anyone,” you smiled shyly under the pressure of his intense look before taking a sip of your drink. “Well, maybe I wouldn’t be happy to help Amy. But I’m always happy to help you.”

“Well, I appreciate you,” Joel paused as he drank. “And I wouldn’t help Amy either.”

The two of you shared a little laugh before a rather comfortable silence filled the air. The two of you looked up at the sky, gazing at the stars that seemed to be shining a little more bright than usual.

“I’d like to repay you somehow,” Joel said, breaking the silence as he continued to keep his eyes fixed on the sky. 

“Mm, that’s not necessary,” you hummed. “Dinner was plenty. It was great, and Chloe and I will definitely be enjoying our leftovers.”

“It’s necessary to me,” Joel paused as if he was contemplating even saying the next words. “Would you let me take you out sometime?” 

It was clear that he was looking right at you, nervously anticipating your answer. 

You cracked a slight smile as you turned your head towards him, “That would be nice,” you nodded. “I think that would be really nice.”

[olympeline]

Gonna post my thoughts on the Hetalia Nations Revealed AU. Always a fun one to chat about. (￣▽￣)

We call it an AU but it’s actually pretty accurate. The part about nation-people not being a secret, I mean. I recently reread the webcomic and canon leans into NPs being public knowledge. Obviously their bosses are aware of them, but there’s lots of strips where NPs interact with members of the public as well. There are strips starring humans who don’t recognize their NP (that one soldier in France, Lisa, Davie, etc.) but they’re fewer in number. We all know Heta-canon is flexible so, for this post, I’m coming down on the side of “people know.” Here’s how I headcanon it all working:

Nation-people are common knowledge to the extent it would be really weird if you met someone who wasn’t aware of them. It would be like talking to a guy and he says he’s never heard of religion. Like, any religion. In the whole world. Not even the concept of it. You’d be all: “Whaaa?? Man, how?? Did you grow up under a rock?” It’s like that for NPs.

NPs are more than human and so aren’t too bothered by us. In a nice way. They still love their citizens but it’s not a relationship between equals. More benevolent demi-deities existing alongside the mundane. This is where I differ from some interpretations of this AU, I think. I can’t see the NPs as being weak and helpless around their people. They’re partially representations of the Earth itself and nature is much stronger than humanity. Like that panel where Francis was getting harassed by historians? Only happened because he allowed it. NPs let humans get close to them when they choose, but they can lose them if they wish. That’s what France did when he’d had enough. The historians blinked and he was just gone. Slipped away like a breath of wind. Leaving two very disappointed academics to continue their argument, lol. The only exceptions are their bosses. NPs have to obey any direct order given by them.

Have to, have to. Compelled in the old fae-like way. NPs are completely under the control of whoever’s running their country. The one who has the final say is the head of state, but they can and do delegate if someone else holds the true power. Kiku directly obeys his emperor, for example, but the emperor obeys Japan’s Diet. So the Prime Minister gives Kiku his orders through their symbolic ruler. If a country’s government is overthrown then that control passes to the new ones in charge. NPs don’t get any choice in the matter, sadly for them. When an NP starts obeying the “other side” then the writing’s on the wall that the regime change has succeeded.

They aren’t considered fully human and so don’t have the same rights and privileges we do. I’d imagine there’s been many high profile court cases about stuff like this in the modern era. Just what an NP can be ordered to do by their bosses before it becomes abusive, how culpable they are for crimes committed by their nations, etc. “The Nation of [x] vs. Nation-Person [y] in the case of Historical Crime(s) [z].” I don’t think much would have been accomplished over the years, lol. No country is going to let their NP go to a foreign prison. Plus the NPs always have the “magically compelled” defense to fall back on. So no progress, just lots of debate. NPs are considered somewhere between guardian deities, ordinary people, and “things” in the broader public consciousness.

Yes, they have social media. No, it has not always gone well. I bet after a few instant-major-historical-event cases of careless and/or hot-tempered NPs calling their bosses assholes on twitter, NP accounts were mass nuked. They were reinstated only after their bosses gave them loooong lists of subjects they weren’t allowed to talk about. Afterwards their posts were all fluff about hobbies and personal interests. Doesn’t stop foreign governments, economists, gossip channels, NP enthusiasts, and curious people combing through every tweet, post, and video to try and guess what the NPs are “really” talking about. So many conspiracy theorist channels, oh god. Even thinking about it is making me tired. 😂

NPs have two homes: a work address and a personal one. The former is usually located in their capital and is either where their boss lives or close by. So Alfred has a home at the White House, Arthur has one on Downing Street, etc. However most NPs don’t consider these their real homes and only spend time there while doing government work. Ordinary, if nice, houses and apartments out among their people is where they like to live. These can decorate them to match their personalities the way they can’t official residences. They use their power over the land to make sure no humans can find these sanctuaries unless the NP wants them to. Stops NPs being swarmed by paparazzi, tourists, and fans 24/7.

De-anoning to say it was me that sent @forsoobado137 the money ask. So just repeating what I said there. All countries put their NP’s face on their money. Along with the state’s name, the NP’s human name, and a picture of the actual land they represent. The money can have other famous people on it too, just on the other side. Governments have been doing this since money was invented and some of the only surviving visual records of ancient NPs are pictures on coins.

Any human being knows an NP and the country they represent just by sight. Unless it’s somewhere they’ve never heard of. Then all they know is that they’re looking at a nation-person. I imagine it would be considered a huge faux-pas to let it slip you don’t know an NP’s country name. Like telling a Holywood A-lister you don’t know who they are at a red carpet event. 😭

NPs have many default jobs, mostly related to their governments. One of them is being in their nation’s armed forces. They’ve always done this ever since the first age of empires. They even led armies and were seen as good luck charms in the past. Soldiers tend to make up the bulk of the humans the NPs remember most fondly. The relationship between Francis and Joan of Arc is one of the best known historical examples. Whether an NP actually enjoys their time in the military depends on their personality. Which is in turn influenced by how warlike the actual country is and has been. If your NP falls in battle, it’s one of the worst war omens possible.

Speaking of death, I headcanon that NPs can die from illness or injury. Or at least their human bodies can. They’re tougher than we are, but not unkillable. They’ll come back so long as the nation itself survives. True death for an NP is reserved for when the civilisation they represent stops existing. If an NP dies in a foreign country, they’ll crumble to dust and regenerate somewhere deep in their heartlands. The place they were originally “born” from the earth. Only a select few very high up in government know the location of their NP’s birth/rebirth place. This also happens if they die on home soil and their body is destroyed. If they die at home and their body is okay, they’ll heal and wake up after a few hours. If the country isn’t doing well it takes longer for its NP to come back.

Speaking of countries not doing well: NPs get sick either when their economies go bad, or when there’s an epidemic among their citizens. A lot of European NPs can chalk some of their early deaths up to the Black Death. When an NP get “depressed” it’s code for a financial fever. Nothing can be done but keep them comfortable until the economy picks up.

Hetalia is so fun to post about, my god. Such a prime series for theories and headcanons. You feel me, gamers?

[bibittybopittybadbxtch]

Colors

Pairing: Wonwoo x Reader

Word Count: ~ 1.1K

Warnings: None…I think

A/N: I’m on a SVT kick. So….here’s another Wonwoo fic. Love him so much. The sweetest. I hope y���all enjoy! This was so much fun to write. I also kinda wanna turn this into a series….let me know your thoughts. I love hearing from y’all. The first part is inspired by Colors by Halsey. There’s also a couple of disney quotes sprinkled in.

NOT MY GIF‼️‼️‼️‼️

P.S.

I do NOT consent to have my work posted, translated or published to any third party site or app.

XOXO, Bibi🩷

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Your last relationship had come into your life like a hurricane. He settled over you for a while, but in the end you were just another casualty. You were red and he was blue, a combination that created a beautiful lilac. Until he decided that purple just wasn't for him. He left destruction in his wake. You were left to pick up your own broken pieces, and learned how to live with the scars on your heart. For a while you were just a shell of the person you were before him. But after a year, you were stronger. You held your head higher, shoulders back, all the things your therapist taught you. You were learning how to enjoy your life on your own until you met someone new, Wonwoo.

“One date. If you still hate the idea of dating me after that, I promise I’ll leave you alone.” Wonwoo looked two seconds away from getting on his knees and begging. He had sworn he did not believe in “love at first sight” until he saw you. As cliche as it sounds the sight of you was like looking into the sun. He’d told you so himself. To which you rolled your eyes in a very ladylike fashion and walked away. Back to the moment at hand, he had been asking you out for months. You were friends and he always presented date ideas in a respectful, light hearted manner but you knew he was serious. His eyes never told a lie. Looking up into those big brown orbs it broke your heart to say no to him once again. “Wonwoo, no. I told you. I don’t wanna jeopardize our friendship.” He hadn’t seen you before. He only knew the new and improved you. You feared that opening up to him would agitate old wounds. You had lost enough people over the years and weren’t willing to lose Wonwoo too. “Come on Sunshine, you know that wouldn’t happen. We won’t let it.” Despite what you thought to be your better judgment, you said yes.

First dates were awkward. Common knowledge, basic fact, first dates felt like having chicken pox. Except this was Wonwoo, and of course it wasn’t awkward. He was still your dorky best friend. He knew you, better than you knew yourself. He took you to a drive in movie. You sat in the car and cracked jokes and threw popcorn at each other. The night ended with ice cream and Wonwoo walked you to your door. “So..am I gonna get another date?” He asked hopefully. You saw his ears tinge pink under the porch light. You pretend to think about it. Just to watch him squirm before you smile at him, “Yes, I´d actually really like that”. The smile that stretches across Wonwoo’s face is forever burned in your memory. He sweeps you into a hug, before bidding you goodnight. That night you call your best friend, you recount every moment in detail. She knows before you do that you’re falling in love.

Wonwoo picks you up the following Friday, a beautiful bouquet of daisies in his hand.”You ready Sunshine?” He asks as he takes your hand. “Well, I’d say yes but I don’t know where we are going.” He chuckles and leads you to the car before opening the door, “Do you trust me?”. “With my life,” you reply earnestly as you get in the passenger seat. Trusting him was the easiest thing you had ever done. From the moment you met him Wonwoo had been nothing but reliable. It didn’t matter if it was 2am or snowing, he found a way to be there for you. Never one to disappoint, that was Wonwoo through and through.

When the car finally comes to a stop after an hour's drive to the outskirts of the city, the sight in front of you almost makes you cry. You were at a sky lantern festival. At the beginning of your friendship, you had mentioned how you wanted to go to him. He remembered. “Wonwoo..” you begin, you don't know what you had to say. Wonwoo just looks at you and smiles warmly before getting out of the car. You're unbelievably touched. Wonwoo was by all means not an outdoors person, but the fact he held on to your words and went out of his way, brings tears to your eyes. After retrieving your lanterns the two of you find a space on the large expanse of grass. You both sit down and start decorating your respective lanterns when an idea hits you. You grab your notebook from your bag and rip out a page. Wonwoo looks over at you puzzled, “What are you doing?” “Let’s make a wish. Write your wish on the paper, when the wish comes true we tell each other.” Wonwoo agrees because how could he ever say no to you. You finish your lanterns and release them at the end of the festival, wishes tucked safely in your respective pockets. That night when Wonwoo walks you to your door, he asks you to be his girlfriend.

Two years later Wonwoo takes you back to the same field that held the lantern festival, and proposes. In the ring box, there is a small piece of paper that you recognize from a notebook that has been long forgotten. You recognize Wonwoo’s chicken scratch. “Y/N” with a small heart. “Sunshine, you were always my wish. Will you marry me?” You launch yourself at him sobbing. “So, is that a yes?” he asks cheekily. “In every language. Oui, Si, Ja, Yes.”

On the car ride home, Wonwoo sees you digging around your bag for something. “What are you looking for?” “Hold on. I know it's in here somewhere.” You bring out your wallet before unzipping it. You shuffle around for a second before pulling out a small piece of paper. “What’s that?” Wonwoo asks as he glances over before returning his attention back to the road. “My wish” you state proudly. “Oh yeah? What was your wish?” You flash him your brightest smile before unfolding it and showing him. There is your delicate handwriting. He sees his name “Wonwoo” with a smiley face. Wonwoo swears his heart is gonna explode. “You made me believe in love again. You restored my faith in humanity. You made me whole.” You tell him through your tears. Wonwoo pulls the car over and cradles your face, wiping your tears. “No, Sunshine. You did that all by yourself. I’m just here to appreciate your hard work.” He kisses you.

[verdantcrimson]

Heaven and Earth / Creation of Heaven and Earth - 4

(Unproofread)

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[A memory of a meeting with Hideyoshi-sensei six days ago. In a high-income business district.]

Kuro: Ya hate history, huh? I hate studyin’ too, so I totally get ya.

Kuro: But you ‘Three Sages’ are supposed to be these great historians, right? So whaddya mean by that, even?

Kuro: That’s like sayin’ you hate idols while bein’ a famous idol.

Hideyoshi: You’re smarter than you look, aren’tcha?

Hideyoshi: But you know— You should speak politely when addressing your elders. I mean, I personally don’t care for that kind of stuff. All I’m saying is that your life’s gonna be real tough if people assume you’re a social outcast that can’t be bothered to follow common etiquette, right?

Hideyoshi: Also, if I were to use your example, I’d say it’s more like ‘being a famous idol and hating your fans.’

Hideyoshi: I like gaining knowledge on the subject, but I don’t like ‘History’ as a concept.

Hideyoshi: Honestly, I regret making money off of it pretty often.

Kuro: (I didn’t expect this dude to be so chatty… When I heard he was a historian, I was kind of imaginin’ him as this withered old man that looks like a dead tree.)

Kuro: (I think he said somethin’ about ‘addressing your elders’ cause he’s older than us.)

Kuro: (He looks like he’s around our age though, dressed all flashy. With dyed hair too.)

Kuro: (I think he’s a little too much like the spittin’ image of a superficial young person.)

Keito: Thank you very much for your gracious words. It is indeed a great chance to learn from your teachings. I am terribly sorry that us younger people have taken up your time in order to gain an opportunity to have you speak to us— Hideyoshi-sensei.

Hideyoshi: Aah, don’t call me that! Grooooss!

Hideyoshi: I find it extremely unpleasant to be called that title alongside that fucking hag and that shitty old man.

Hideyoshi: I mean, we do work together, but I rarely contact them. I don’t want people thinking we’re actually friends or anything.

Keito: Ieyasu-sensei was your mentor in college though, so we fans of the show just naturally assumed the two of you were akin to friends—

Hideyoshi: Huh, absolutely not? Where’d you even hear that? Are you stupid?

Keito: ……

Hideyoshi: So anyone you study under in college is your ‘mentor’ now? You happen to talk to someone at work, and suddenly they’re your ‘friend’ now? How half-baked!

Hideyoshi: Why do all you idiots of the world have such a terrible understanding of other human beings? It’s kind of disturbing, you seriously live like that?

Hideyoshi: The more you know about a person, the more interested you become. You can discover as much as you’d like about someone— This goes for each and every human.

Hideyoshi: I’m just so disappointed at how shallow people are, how they don’t even try and grasp the essence of it all.

Keito: It seems like you’re quite fond of humans, Sensei.

Hideyoshi: I mean, If I hated humans, life would just be hell, right? Ahaha ♪

Hideyoshi: You’ve got something you’re fond of too, right? Your eyes light up when you talk about what you like, don’t they?

Hideyoshi: I think we’re gonna get along just fine. Actually, ‘Rumbling Heaven and Earth’ is like, the perfect way for me to make a name for myself, so it’s not like I won’t help you out at all but—

Hideyoshi: Hey, so like, how much can you guys afford to spend on this?

Keito: Excuse me?

Hideyoshi: What I’m saying is that it’s about the money. It’s all about money.

Hideyoshi: ‘Cause ‘Rumbling Heaven and Earth’ is this lame show for geeks, they have to do super extensive research on every single thing they cover.

Hideyoshi: Obviously, that costs loads of money. It’s not surprising for the university lab responsible for the study to take a year to conduct their research or whatever.

Hideyoshi: It’s completely unprofitable. And like, you’ve noticed the show stopped airing new episodes, right?

Keito: That is true. It’s because the original host of the show passed away. Since then, there have been no new episodes, just occasional reruns of the older ones.

Hideyoshi: You seriously believe that? You really think the announcement on TV was the honest truth? Ahaha, how naive! ~ ☆

Keito: ……

Hideyoshi: What actually happened was that the host ran off into the night because they were so deep in debt that their family finances were practically in flames. I honestly just feel bad for you guys~, you’ve been forced to handle impaired assets, haven’t you?

Souma: ……

Hideyoshi: So like, just a suggestion.

Hideyoshi: I say you guys take this chance to turn that musty ‘Rumbling Heaven and Earth’ show into a goldmine!

Hideyoshi: That way I make money, you make money, all the fans are happy because the show gets new episodes— See, it’s a win-win! ♪

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[onigiri-dorkk]

Hi I'm new to the fandom and not gonna lie for a long time I was confused about why would anyone ship Rivamika because it always seemed like Levi was barely aware of Mikasa and Mikasa hated Levi or disliked him. I started reading the manga last week and I'm honestly surprised by how little changes made a huge different. WIT always made it seem like Mikasa didn't care about anyone other than Ereh and I believe they are the reason why everyone makes fun of Mikasa for being obsessed. I genuinely thought "I love her but she's very ungrateful and rude sometimes, their strongest soldier hurt his ankle when they needed him the most because of her and all she cared about is Ereh" but it's not like that in the manga. She actually feels guilty and responsible which is a great panel to show how character development. A 3 seconds scene would do so much good to Mikasa's character but WIT somehow didn't want to include that scene. Even in S3 it seemed like they would like to keep them apart and don't let them interact even though there was a huge reveal about them. And I think it's not only WIT. Even Isayama himself is almost afraid to let them interact and I'm not talking about shipping here. Imagine finding out that someone experienced the same things as you did, have this weird mysterious power thing going on and that person is your Captain whom you made it clear that you trust and respect now. It's crazy to me that they don't even talk and compare their experiences etc???? Again, it's not even about shipping, it pisse me off because it feels like Mikasa isn't allowed to have anything of her own, the reason why Mikasa ships aren't popular isn't because she's not loved, it's because Isayama, WIT and even Mappa didn't let her have many meaningful interactions. Hell, even with Armin (they are supposed to be a trio) it sometimes feel like they were just hanging out for Eren. Ughhh they could at least let Mikasa have Ackermans for her own. She could interact more with Levi and even with Kenny for a sec. So disappointing :(

Wow!! Anon, welcome to the fandom and thanks for sending this! I never get asks and it’s always exciting 😂 We’re glad you’re here!

The “I didn’t get how people shipped rivamika” thing is common tbh, don’t worry! I was on that train too until I stopped to think about everything implied between the lines—most of it being in the manga, as you said. I know people say things like we ‘grasp at straws’ but there is realistically fantastic depth we can assume from their closeness as comrades alone. The magic of Rivamika as a ship is it takes more deep knowledge of the characters to understand why it WORKS so well. And when you get it, gosh, it’s amazing!

We definitely agree too, that WIT cut such crucial scenes to Mikasa’s character. I will never understand their choices… And I’ll forever grieve it 😭 That scene of self-reflection and guilt over Levi’s injury/absence is important because it’s the first time she finally thought outside of her tunnel vision of Eren. Ultimately, she learns to care about what happens to others as a result of her actions, which quite literally starts with Levi.

I also agree, it seems like Yams started the Ackerman reveal + arc but decided midway not to commit to it or develop it. It explained their strength, but that was it. It’s strange that even in the anime they chose not to explain that Ackerman’s are Titan DNA hybrids. That seems like a crucial piece but I wonder why they didn’t think it was important. Because then the whole “Ackerman’s are immune to x and x” has no narrative proof at all.

I like to think Ackertalk happened behind the scenes. I like reading everyone’s versions of it—but always a shame we never got that in canon. It’s even strange because they both lost their entire families, so finding out you’re from the same people should at least create a sense of bonding or they’d take on a slightly familial role, or SOMETHING. (Though I’m glad it didn’t go that route because people would REALLY think they’re cOuSiNs lol) But it’s just strange Yams introduced these things that ended up really having not much purpose, or none at all. (Don’t get me started on the Azumabito shit)

I still hope and manifest for some sort of Ackerman spin off that explores this. Can you imagine? Levi and Mikasa (the cash cows of AOT, we say!) venturing off post-war to discover more about the Ackerman’s? Or to retrace and find surviving Ackerman’s outside the world?

[romaroy]

Hello again. I sent you an ask earlier about my wacky theory🫣. RJ(R)<- ->M. He he. It was nonsensical but it has a chokehold on me.

I was wondering mainly about Marius' personality though. I only read half of QotD but the thing I can't reconcile is the fact that 'Raglan James' is so weasel like. Like Justin Kirk plays him so incompetent and goofy. He was totally waiting for Daniel to pay for his Mackerel! Sly. The amount of times he talked about the fish and was disappointed in the end lol. I don't remember Marius being like this in TVL. I don't doubt he's involved somehow but he was so imposing and god like from what I remembered. Like marble or stone. Is Marius also good at acting? These vampires need to take over Hollywood not Real Estate if that's the case.

Prev ask: Hi! What do think about Raglan James being "Rashid" and "Rashid" being Marius? That sort of body swap. I don't know much (at all) but I have a general knowledge about Marius. I had a weird feeling about Rashid when I saw him placed next to Marius' painting in one of the episodes. It was so CLEAR he was positioned there for the shot. I think it was episode 1 or 2. The only thing that makes me think I am speaking out my ass is the fact that Raglan James has a weird accent. (Do accents travel with bodyswaps?) And why would that sort of bodyswap even be necessary. But then again why can Daniel all of a sudden remember with Rashid back from vacation? Where was he? Why did the veneers crack then? How can Rashid lie blatantly about who he spoke to? It wasn't omission. Bro couldn't handle chopsticks. Ugh I am gonna read all the books during the hiatus. I am going crazy. Like that meme with the conspiracy story board

RJ=Rashid

RJR<- ->Marius

I think that’s way too complicated for TV. I see the vision but I do think Rashid is Rashid I just really don’t think Raglan is who he says and that is IS Marius. I might be wrong but I’m willing to be my good knee at this point.

Marius personality depends on the books and how’s he’s perceived like many of the books and characters. In TVL he’s very calm, he’s a teacher and a scholar but immensely powerful. In QOTD he is quite prideful but Blood and Gold gives a lot about his personality. He’s quick to loneliness, he can be rash (turning Pandora),

I’m reading blood and gold and have some kites about his personality as I read.

Some stuff I’ve made note of that I think hawk his personality (not finished the book yet):

- “…inside him there lurked a dreadful anger and an unreasonable hate.” (P19)

- ”I listen with my whole soul.” He gave a little sigh and looked out through the immense glass. “I’m weary of being alone, my friend,” he said. “I cannot bear the company of those whom I know most intimately. And they cannot bear mine on account of things I’ve done.” (P36)

- he likes to live as a mortal and nots he feels safe because “the only enemy who has harmed me was a swarm of blood drinkers.” (P50)

- “…I took Daniel because he needed me. I took Daniel because it’s unendurable to me to be utterly alone.” (P57). Context of this is Daniel is struggling after he turns into a vampire by Armand

- “”I denied my love and my jealously completely. I denied my crushing disappointment. I told myself, ‘you are too wise for such. Learn from what’s happened..” (p64)

- “I don’t know what caused me the worst pain- the loss of Lestat or my jelousy that she had given and taken with him.” (P66)

- (about lestat) “I wanted to love him still and I wanted to be loved, and I could not forfeit my place as the wife and patient on…anger is too painful for me. Anger is too pathetic. I cannot beer it, I cannot act upon it.”

- “And my pride returned. I could not stoop to a common physical battle, especially one which might become hideously awkward and ugly, one which I might not win. No. I was too wise for it.” (P122)

- “I lived the lie. I lived out of anger. This is what I’m trying to tell you. I have lived lies. I have done it again and again. I live lies because I cannot endure the weakness of anger, and I cannot admit the irrationality of love.” (P123)

-“ I do move through the world by means of questions and too often I’ve asked those questions in utter silence, or king centuries ago of people who gave me answers that were fragments which I had to piece together as they were bits of old papyri. I hunger for knowdlege. I hunger for what you mean to say to me.” (P233)

[succ-my-coke]

Trigun Stampede ep 1

-THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR TRUGUN STAMPEDE!!!!-

I gotta say that the first episode of this remake is really living up to my hopes and dreams. While a shall forever be disappointed that it’s not a full redo I’ll be content with this I think. I’m gonna talk about my thoughts/feelings/observations about the new series and what’s different so far. THIS IS NOT A SUMMARY

Characters

1. Vash - I’m loving his characterization right off the bat, he’s goofy, kind, and has his serious moments, pretty true to his original character. I do like however that he doesn’t seem as jaded(so far) because they seem to be portraying him as younger than he was in the original. His introduction of a batshit evil laugh was amazing honestly. I had some initial issues with his redesign but I think it meshes well with the character. His arm being addressed and then instantly being used to make a joke was great honestly, very on brand. I think it’s really interesting that they are having him be more actively involved with the plants and their upkeep unlike the original where he only interfered occasionally.

2. Meryl - so far I feel like Meryl has been changed the most. She’s much younger in this, it’s called out specifically that she just graduated from a fancy school and seems to be very naive. Nothing at all like the original character. She does have her stubbornness and morals which is good and I think her over all character here will mesh well but may not be as bad ass and the original Meryl. Her design though is kickass and very reflective of how young she is

3. Roberto De Niro - A new character! One that I have nothing to compare against! I think he’s really ingesting so far. Obviously very jaded and aware of the how bad the world is but Al’s has some sense of morals. He doesn’t seem to be a reporter that cares about leads to much but he does know how to throw his status around and use it to help out.

4. Knives - we saw very little of him in this episode but what we did see was pretty cut and dry evil. He’s got and evil organ and some control over the wildlife of the planet, using it to spy on his brother. I did like the larger emphasis on him attempting to have Rem be saved as well as them. His design is extremely interesting when compared to Vash’s. Knives completely seems to embrace his inhuman tech side while Vash is trying very hard to look human.

Observations

1. I found the pacing interesting for the first episode. There’s already some man ikr things being addressed such as the plants and Knives and their connection to Vash. The new series obviously isn’t shying away from these things like the original material did and it makes me wonder about how the plot progression is going to go.

2. I am likening all things being used, the setting of Jenora rock and the references to the city of Julai (July I believe) and the direct reference to the Bad Lads gang. Speaking of which I am truly excited for the possibility or brilliant dynamites neon to be animated in this way I think it would be spectacular on all levels.

3. The people of jenora rock are used in two ways I think. 1. To show that Vash is a good guy and not what he seems to be despite his bounty. And he’s known for things despite his crimes. 2. That while the legend of the humanoid typhoon is widespread the bounty is not common knowledge.

4. The design for the plants are completely new as far as we’ve seen. I’m looking forward to seeing how they are going to address the design of the plants themselves, the original anime made them seem a little more monstrous than angelic and the manga was more angelic that human so I wonder agent they will look like. I also can’t wait to see what the red plant means.

5. The entire scene where Vash is begging for a bullet from anyone already shows so many things. The first being that Vash is a complete goof. The second being that Meryl has a strong sense of involvement with things, unlike her mentor. The third being that people are willing to help him even with his bounty, this being shown by Rosa giving a bullet to him. Also the scene is a great call back to the first episode of the original anime where something similar happens with Vash in a tight spot with no bullets however he has no one to help him out there.

Overall I’m really pleased with the start of the new adaptation and I’ll see you all on the 14th for episode 2!

[sparrowandbee]

Chapter 6 | Chapter 8

The Sparrow: Chapter 7: Before the Games

Synopsis: Haymitch and Marian have their last late-night conversation after Marian’s interview.

Warnings: Mention of alcoholism and substance abuse, mention of death, mention of violence, grief/loss.

Author’s Note: Ah! I’m so excited to be publishing one of my favorite chapters. It’s shorter than usual but I think it really hits at the heart of both of these characters that I love so so dearly. Enjoy!! :)

Word Count: 890

I left the stage and immediately found Haymitch, just as Alder was being announced.

“Good job not puking, M.” He ‘complimented’ me, a playful twinkle in his eyes.

Without even thinking, I wrapped my arms around his torso, my head meeting his warm chest. He returned the hug with no hesitation. His large callused hands felt warm against the bare skin of my back.

We didn’t quite realise how much we were touching until we pulled away to an awkward silence.

I crossed my arms over my chest- a habit now- “thanks,” I replied to his earlier comment. “That got… personal,” I bounced slightly, feeling the biting frost of the artificial air from above on my uncovered arms and collarbone.

“Here,” Haymitch took off his checked burgundy sport jacket and draped it over my shoulders. I didn’t even think to protest as I wrapped the welcomed warmth around me.

“You were really good out there. Seriously, I know it was difficult but it made you look really sympathetic,” he reassured me.

I felt like I had to address the elephant in the room as we both got quiet. Cesar had touched a sore spot.

I didn’t like talking about my mother. I’m sure the Capitol only saw the sad story of another District 12 orphan, but for a lot of people in the Seam, she had a reputation.

She was destructive when she drank, not just at home but at the Hobb and too many business establishments to count. People averted their gaze when she walked by, scared they would trigger her or catch her on a particularly reckless day.

Everyone knew to avoid her.

While alcohol numbed Haymitch out, it (and whatever else she was consuming) made her extremely violent.

“Edalia Kuns was my mother,” I told him, too ashamed to look him in the face, wanting to be clear about the question that was likely triggered by the interview.

I actually didn’t know if that was common knowledge. I never interacted with anyone long enough to find out. I just wanted to stay as removed from her as I could.

“I know,” he replied, to my surprise and slight disappointment.

So was this all pity?

Pity for the daughter of the crazy woman and the cowardly rebel?

My parents’ story was a classic cautionary tale- a story that had bred a pathetic girl who was about to die… of course he wanted me to fight.

In his eyes I was just a poor lamb led to slaughter-

“My mom was Ephra. That was her name,” he said, silencing my racing thoughts. “She would have loved to meet you, M. You remind me of her, sometimes. Her compassion and her loyalty-”

He stopped himself though I could tell he wanted to say more.

“Ephra’s a beautiful name. And I’m sure she was too.”

He smiled. A beautiful smile I knew I would never tire of seeing.

“So is Edalia. For everyone that matters right now, Edalia is just a beautiful name. Don’t worry.”

“But now everyone knows that I have nothing to fight for. No one to go home to.” I looked up to him, letting a bit of fear slip up through my quiet words.

“Hey,” he held my hand and my gaze in his, “remember that you’re going to win out of spite. They want you to think like that- and you’re gonna fight to prove them wrong.”

“Is that how you won?” It slipped out. I internally scolded myself for being so impulsive. He didn’t let go of my hand, but didn’t reply either.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“No. It’s alright,” He took deeper breaths, more conscious. “Sort of. Obviously I had my family back home, but what really fueled me to fight so hard was my anger. Everyone said I couldn’t win. They… I could see it in their eyes how much they wanted me dead. How disposable I was. If it wasn’t for that anger, I don’t think I would have fought so hard. I needed to prove them all wrong.”

I nodded but stayed silent, in case he needed the space to say more.

“I was the last name called, you know? So…” He took another breath. “So…”

“If it wasn’t for the quarter quell…” I finished his thought for him. He somberly nodded as his blue eyes met the concrete floor below.

“I would have never gone in. And they’d be alive. And maybe I wouldn’t be such a-”

“No, Haymitch,” I placed my free hand on his cheek, not caring if it was too forward or too impulsive. I caressed my fingers against the brown stubble on his face, a few silver hairs peaking out already. I couldn’t believe he didn’t see the funny, caring man I did. “Don’t say that. I’m sorry. For everything.”

“Go upstairs. Alder and I will meet you there soon.”

I couldn’t quite interpret his tone. He wasn’t angry, just… sad. No matter what I said or did I could never ease that sadness because in just a day I would be adding to his pain, too.

I nodded, squeezed his hand and left as quickly as the high heels would take me.

This was too dangerous. It should have never gotten to this… I thought through my tears as I stepped onto the empty elevator.

All I did was give him one more person to mourn.

—

Next Chapter

Masterlist

[semper-legens]

65. Gleanings, by Neal Shusterman

Owned: No, library Page count: 426 My summary: The world is run by the Thunderhead, and kept in line by gleanings from Scythes. We’ve seen Scythe Anastasia and Scythe Lucifer’s stories. But what about the other stories we haven’t seen? The past, present, and future of this world - art contests, communities denying the existence of Scythes, a dog’s revenge, tragedy in space. This world is so much bigger than ever before. My rating: 4/5 My commentary:

I didn't know this book existed! It's a further novel in the Arc of a Scythe series; I say novel, it's a collection of short stories set across the timeline of the Arc of a Scythe canon. There's at least one story that takes place just as the Scythedom began, and at least one that takes place after the events of the series. I wasn't entirely sure what I was getting into when I started reading this one (see the fact that I didn't know it existed), but hot damn do I love Neal Shusterman's work, and this certainly did not disappoint.

Standard disclaimer: not talking about all the stories, just the ones that jumped out at me for whatever reason. And the first of those is The Mortal Canvas, featuring an early Scythe coming to an school and challenging four pupils to a contest - create the best art, and gain a year of immunity from gleaning. I'm of two minds about this one. I really liked the view of the early days of this world, where the younger generation have been born into immortality but the older ones still remember fearing death. I just wasn't too sure about the actual art contest element. See, one of the worldbuilding points in Arc of a Scythe is that humanity is just a tiny bit creatively sterile, everything being safe and standardised. This is encapsulated in the students, Wyatt being unable to create art without relying on formula and program, and Morty wanting to create something original. Morty ends up submitting an incredibly provocative oil painting of the Scythe that shocks the onlookers into silence. His is obviously the best art, though Wyatt wins the contest, but I'm not too sure about the messaging going on here. Much is made of the idea that a fear of death and mortality is an impetus for great art, but it smacks of the whole 'if you get help for mental health issues you won't be able to Create' mindset so common in reality. Then again, the issue is less of individual response than collective artistic stagnation - it's not that Wyatt is himself bad for not being able to create, more society's fault for prizing cookie-cutter copies of great art rather than something more creative and challenging. Hmm. I think I just did a 180 in my opinion on this one.

Another of the stories featured a young man who has emigrated to Mars and wants to return to Earth, study, and really make a name for himself there in a way that he can't do in a backwater like Mars. He applies for and, through an act of desperate murder, gains the role of a valet to a visiting Scythe. Who charges him with a 'great act' that will shock Mars out of complacency. See, Mars is out of the jurisdiction of the Scythes, not having a large enough population to necessitate gleaning of the populace. This leads to some complacency - without gleaning, the people quite literally cannot die outside of major accident. So he causes that accident. Blows up a damn nuclear reactor, and ends up impressing the Scythe so much that he gains an apprenticeship. And he wants to choose the name Goddard. I gotta admit, I was lukewarm on this story, but the twist at the end punched me straight in the chest. Knowing the backstory of Goddard was interesting enough; reading this story with full knowledge of where this kid is going to end up is delicious. Seriously, baby Goddard, you threw your friend to his death to get the valet role over him? What an absolute scumbag.

I'm gonna use my last paragraph here to be a little more general. One thing I always praise about Shusterman's work is that his worldbuilding is ridiculously expansive; he just commits to the bit, putting extra detail in, even if that detail is weird or kind of silly. Like retelling the Masque of the Red Death, for example. And this is a good way to see the parts of the Arc of a Scythe world that have been backgrounded to this point! Like what happened to Citra's brother, or the Dream shared by the people of one region, or what it's like to be an Unsavory, or getting a conclusion on the rockets sent into space at the end of the series. It's a way of broadening the scope of the series that doesn't bog down any of the novels' narratives, and it was greatly appreciated. If you read and enjoyed Arc of a Scythe, this is a worthy followup and welcome addition!

Next, more Junji Ito, and a man barely human.

[bookns]

Emotion reaction: 

 I know Felix is in this, there’s a dance and that’s about it

Bro Andre the ice cream man IS SO EXCITED

“No drama”

“My mission is compete”

Oh my god are they gonna kiss

That’s disappointing

I hate this

Fuck Gabriel

“When you two are together you guys are always weird”

Alya and Nino aren’t wrong

BItch - that vixen that is Lila

Zoe’s voice in the english version versus French is throwing me off

Okay her voice is still bad in my brain

All she wants to support and love him

YES NATHALIE (Adrien has the right to be with whoever he wants)

Fuck off Gabriel

Lila is vixen I swear

The king and queen of the ball-

Yo why isn’t Gami and Chloe dressed up

“Baker Girl” My literal love ISNT just a Baker

Babes what are you doing

WHERE IS FELIX

Damn the grip that Nathalie has on Amelie

I can’t wait for this

MY BABSS

THE ATTUDUTE WITH CHLOE

“Are you jealous” THATS NOT ADRIEN

HE WOULD NEVER SAY THAT

Kagami’s song is bigger than the whole sky

MY QUEEN - THATS NOT FUCKINB ADRIEN

“Puppets for our parents”

THIS IS NOT ADRIEN

What the fuck is about to happen

MARINETTE NO

Oh my god

This is so EMBARRASSING

“A baker girl has crashed our party” man I MISSED CHLOE (still hate her tho)

“I touched her” I love Chloe

“I LOVE YOU”

BITCH

I SCREAMED

MARINETTE

SHES SO SWEET

ITS RUFKINFUCKING FELIX I SWEAR

How cute BUT STILL NO ITS NOT ADRIEN

“They’re the monsters” FELIX

QHAT YHE FUCK

I WAS RIGHT

Huh

HUH

THE FUCK

HE HAS THE PEACOCK

Did I JUST FORGET THIS

WAS THIS COMMON KNOWLEDGE

HES UGLY

what is HE DOING

bye bye Chloe

ENDLESS CONTROL OF PEOPLE

imagine how his hands gets tired of snapping

MARINETTE

Where is Adrien

YES MARINETTE

THE MUSIC

He is SINGING

I don’t want to watch this anymore

Why is this song lowkey a vibe

MARINETTE IS ANGRY

SHES SO ANGRY

WHERE IS ADRIEN

I mean he’s not wrong but HE IS SO WRONG

she’s so powerful

Marinette be careful bitch

WHERE IS ADRIEN

her lucky charm music is always a vibe

WHAT THE FUCK

what the fuck is going on

She has nothing in her hand

WHAT IS SHE DOING

What is GOING ON

I’m so confused

Is this the end of episode

Felix is all alone

YES KAGAMI

ADRIEN

TJE ONLY ONE SHE LOVES

He’s so confused

“My favorite cousin”

THE RING

The RING

She was his freedom

He’s crazy

Does he have his miraculous???

WITHOUT THE GIRL I LOVE

Bryce DID SUCH A GOOD JOB

BRO THEY LOVE HER SO MYCH

“I was so scared”

He loves her so much

BRO THIS REMINDS ME OF CHAT BLANC

who is she talking to

I hate Felix still

“AND A THREE ICE CREAM. YOU KIDS ARE GONNA GIVE ME A BRAINFREEZE. ITS ALWAYS SOMETHING WITH YOU THREE”

I mean André isn’t wrong

oh my GOD

He doesn’t get why Gabriel doesn’t love her-

ITS SO CUTE

THE RING

He’s controlling with the ring

DOES ADRIEN HAVE HIS MIRACULOUS

What’s going on

Lila???

Oh shit

She’s knows

Well that was certainly something

..there was no chat noir

Nor no ladynoir

This is JUST PLAIN SAD

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 31, 1997 I had a thought, and it wasn’t a very pleasant one either. It’s common knowledge that major changes to the body, be it good or bad, can be quite shocking to it and therefore, cause irregularities. Well, as I’ve said, the Navane and other garbage they had me on when I was in my teens, knocked my period out of the picture for nearly 3 years. This not smoking has caused me to gain weight and be more constipated than usual, and now I’m wondering what it’s gonna do to my cycle.

Tom went down on me earlier and I didn’t even taste “off.” Usually, right before my period, I taste a bit bitter, he says. Well, I’m still 100% sure I’ll have it before the 1st, but I sure do hope to hell I’m not wrong about that, cuz if my cycle disappears, I’m gonna keep gaining weight for damn sure.

Later…

Still no period, but anytime now.

So far, I’ve been wonderfully wrong about the dog returning and even he hasn’t been around much lately, although Tom said he did see a car next door late at night. Tonight, there isn’t one that I know of, so that’s nice. No music lately, either.

We left about an hour before sundown and stopped for a bite to eat at Dairy Queen. Then we went to the mall and oh my God! Traffic and the mall were sooooo mobbed. A lot of the kids go trick or treating at the mall cuz it’s safer.

Tom didn’t find anything for himself, but with my spending money, I got two really nice journals. One with A tie-dye cover and one with bobcat fur (fake, of course). Three colorful hair scrunchies, and that hair removal system that I was gonna get through the mail. We found it in an “as seen on TV” store. So far, the Agia (hair removal system), is a disappointment. I thought it was too good to be true. This is just so far, though, and it may be more promising than I realize now. I didn’t know this, but according to Tom, hair can hang on after death. This means that after I zap the hair with the tweezers, the hair doesn’t want to let go and fall out right away. It says to do this for 20-40 seconds, but it’s taken me many minutes to remove just a couple of tit hairs. They did say though, that if hairs are resistant, to try again the next day. I hope it’ll work out, and if it does, it’ll take me till I’m 60 to get half the hairs I want removed.

We also stopped to look at the bed we’re gonna be getting. This bed is so cool too, as each side has an air mattress inside and you can use controls to make your side either really soft or super firm. I laid down on it and had him toss around on the other side and could only feel very little movement. I think this will work out great and I’m so excited about it. The only thing I’m not looking forward to is you know what. Same old shit as far as sex goes. I’m used to it, although he keeps insisting that we’ll get the bed and all will work out in sex and pregnancy. He sounds so sure of himself! Does he know something I don’t?

Tom also told me that when we switch insurance, which we’re about to do, I can tell a new GYN I may go to that we just started trying. That way I don’t have to lie and say we’re using rubbers, nor do I have to say we haven’t used anything for the last few years and get pressured with questions and all that shit like with Dr. Rugg. Well, I’m not about to be visiting any crotch doctors. I don’t need to. But if we did have the bed for a while, and had things end up the same just like I see, then what would Tom suggest I tell a crotch doctor if I saw one? I guess I’d have to say we use rubbers. That’d be best and the easiest way to get around any personal questions I don’t want to answer and deal with, but hopefully I’ll never have to see one again. I’d never seen one again unless I was pregnant, and then afterward too, but that’s not gonna happen.

Anyway, as soon as we get the Visa card we’re waiting for, he’ll call an 800 number and order the bed for UPS to ship us. Then we’ll go get this matching comforter/sheet set we saw at Sears, where Bob Vila was signing autographs. This guy with a show on home repairs.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 30, 1997 The dizziness and the cravings may have let up a bit, but I didn’t escape the weight gain that almost everyone goes through when they quit. I’m up to a fucking 112 pounds! And the fact that I’m stuck and haven’t gotten my period yet doesn’t help, but I realized I may have miscounted by a day. I think I’m due for my period tomorrow. I have to be, cuz I’m almost never late, so I’ll definitely get it by tomorrow if I don’t start by tonight.

I hope Tom’s right when he says he thinks that the dog isn’t coming back. He thinks they got rid of it when the city started tearing up their yard. Well, that would go with their uncaring nature, to give up a dog like that that they never even wanted, but what about me? I’d still think the burden of the dog would be way worth it to them, just to bother me.

There also hasn’t been a car there when Tom left for work, for two nights in a row. I hope that’s a good sign and this is the same time last year that he slowly began to disappear, only coming around every 2-4 weeks. I wish they’d just break the fuck up for good! If I am in for another peaceful winter till April or May, God’s gonna compensate me for it, just like he compensated me for last winter’s peace by making sure he came back to slam doors, then start with the music again, all the while the dog was yipping away. Well, I’ll pay for it later, since I’ve got to pay for every little thing. And that includes the late-night banging I’ve been doing. Well, I’m not gonna be doing it anymore till and if the music and dog are a real problem again. Also, after I woke up halfway through my sleep to pee, I had a hell of a time falling back to sleep and I know why.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 29, 1997 Tom said he thinks he heard a cement mixer over there filling in their patio and that they’ll be done this week. I think they finished up about an hour ago. The vans are gone and so is the yellow tape (like a crime scene tape barrier) that was tied up to warn people not to fall into the deep trenches they had. So, this means that the dog will be back any minute now, but by the weekend for sure.

So, with my share of the money we agreed to take to spend for fun, I’m gonna buy a box fan for the back room, since the AC one isn’t always gonna be loud enough to block out the barking. Especially the late-night barking. See, this is what I mean when I say I’m so sick of being controlled by others and how I have to “pay” for their noise and alter my life, while they go about their business without a care in the world. I don’t just feel like I’m paying $16 for a box fan that could have good uses that don’t involve anyone else’s noise, but I feel like I’m paying them this $16. I’m always the one to pay.

Meanwhile, the dog’s gonna come back and so will the music and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it, cuz Tom won’t let me beat them into submission and cuz this letter he may never send, won’t do shit to stop them. I know when God wants me to fight a fight I can win and when he doesn’t.

I don’t want no fans on from 6 PM-2 AM. But cuz of someone else’s dog, I must have them on so I don’t have to be forced to listen to it.

My “good vibes” about the freeloaders are gone, so as I said, this was all it was about. No one’s moving out of there, I’m sure. If they don’t in the next few months, then they should be here for a long time. I still say they’re not gonna want to give up a subsidized house that easily and the city’s gonna really have to fight to push them out of there. That’s part of it. The other part is that I don’t think they want to leave my side so easily, either, cuz contrary to Tom’s belief, I know they have a ball with sticking their music/dog on me. Another part is that they just don’t care. They don’t care to work a little harder to get out of there and they don’t give a shit about those around them, at the same time they do give a shit about pissing me the fuck off.

I’m gonna go to a Walgreens later to get the fan and to check out their cactus mugs. I saw some the last time I was there that are way nicer than the one I’ve got, and the one I’ve got is nice enough as it is.

Oh, one more thing about the freeloader - I think his latest game is to harass me with his car alarm. I’m not sure about this yet, cuz now my schedule’s in such a way that I’m not up early in the mornings, but there were a few days where I’m pretty sure I heard an alarm go off a few times at early hours. Tom said some other car that was over there did that, but I think that gave El Cocko an idea. We’ll just have to wait and see what he does when he gets back and if it’ll be him or the dog that I’ll have to listen to, or both. He should be banging in anytime now, but this freeloader’s schedule varies.

I’ve got a great library book I’m reading now. An excellent ghost story. So I think I’ll go do some reading for now.

Later…

Just got back from Walgreens where I didn’t find any cactus mugs or box fans. Instead, I found something better than cactus mugs at a dirt cheap, utterly shocking price. I got two cactus figurines made of Plaster of Paris. The white one I got, is the same as the one I got that I painted green, but this one makes mine look sick. It’s got a pink color scheme with a floral bandanna tied around its middle, flowers on the tips of its arms, a vase of flowers by its base, and at the other side of its base, is a figure hunched over with a sombrero. This gave me some ideas for mine, which just has a boring gold chain around its middle. I’ll keep the chain, but I’ll glue some flowers I have on it. I have a wicker jug filled with all kinds of flowers that have been sitting in the music room for ages.

They each cost $10 and the second one’s even more breathtaking. It’s bigger and has more on it. A person hunched over with a sombrero is also on this one and it has flowers, vases, and a coyote with a bandanna around it, all in a really nice bowl that’s 4-5 inches in diameter.

I also got a light pink pair of panties and a deep purple pair. A pink fly swatter, too, since ours ripped.

Tom will soon pick up a box fan (not using my spending money), as well as a Nicorette refill.

Afterward, we stopped at a fast-food place and then came home.

As far as the freeloaders, I heard soft music and a lot of car doors. Then later I heard a car leave with no music. There was no car there when we got back, but I just heard a very loud door slam, so I take it he’s back. What’s weird, though, is that Tom said he didn’t see a car there when he left to go to work at 12:30 last night. At 1:00, I went out and did my rock-banging routine I’m gonna do when I’m up late at night but I guess only she got to hear it if she heard it at all. God may have spared her from hearing it.

The decrease in music and increase in door slamming tells me the dog is on its way back. It’ll be here tomorrow and if not, it’ll definitely be here by the weekend.

More shocking news - my period’s gonna be on time this month. Tomorrow will be the 28-day marker, so I’m 100% sure I’ll get it then cuz I’m almost never late.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 28, 1997 I got my congratulations for not smoking for 3 weeks postcard yesterday. The sad thing about it is that the cravings seem to be getting more powerful. If I’m having powerful urges several times a day at this point, then this is how it’s always gonna be. Tom says it’ll get easier and I hope he’s right, but it doesn’t seem like he will be at this point. I let Marla know I quit, too, and she said she quit smoking after 10 years back in the late 70s. She said it was the hardest thing she ever did.

Once again, I wish there were 3 people to quit for and he keeps saying that there will be and that I won’t even consider returning to smoking by the New Year. Is he ever gonna get over it?! No bed or lack of money worries is gonna change the way he is sexually and the fact that either his conscious or subconscious or both, doesn’t want a kid, and the fact that God doesn’t want me having one. As much as I wish Tom and God could prove me wrong about the sex/kid, just like with getting out here, getting off disability, getting married, and quitting smoking for this long, I just can’t see it.

He says we can still check out and get that bed, but can we? I’ve always known that something up there wants me to work all the harder for the things that are normal and more common, and yesterday’s ordeal proved that. Something’s trying to stall us, that’s for sure. And if we do get the bed, what price will we have to pay for it, besides about $1000?

As far as what the scoop is next door, well it’s pretty weird. First of all, I’m pretty sure that at least he’s been living there all weekend, but the nice thing about it is that I haven’t heard any music since last Saturday. So, I don’t know if this means he’s decided to shut up again or if the music’s been played while I was out, asleep, or under headphones.

Tom’s guess was that the big tree that they’ve got in back (that makes a mess of our yard with its leaves) had roots that got in the way of the sewer pipes, so it fucked up their drains, but it can’t be that bad for him to have stayed there the last couple of nights unless he’s shitting and pissing in a container. Maybe (if the bitch and kids aren’t there and they’re at a friend’s house), he wasn’t liked or welcome over there, or they got into a fight and this was the only place he could go till she returned, but I don’t know. I do know, though, that the music wouldn’t just suddenly stop again so soon and that the dog’s gotta be back sooner or later. I don’t think any of them are moving after all. I think that my vibe had to do with the work they’ve been doing and the temporary absence of the dog, which I’m thoroughly enjoying till the peace is shattered. It’s been pretty peaceful through the days and totally quiet at night, but when that beast gets back, I’ll have to sit and listen to it from dusk till the wee hours of the mornings. As I told Tom, in case he does send a letter to the city, Loverboy is a no-no, but she may be allowed a dog. The NHA allowed you to have one cat or one dog, but they had to be of a certain height/weight.

The story gets even weirder cuz yesterday, they didn’t work at all next door. They’ve been there today, though.

Soon, I’ll be doing a general shopping list for things I’d like to get with what money’s left over after deducting the electrolysis cost and the new cage I just got. I haven’t gotten the electrolysis thing yet, but I got that other cage Play City makes, so now I have all 3 of them. Their big cage is called Play City, their medium cage that I just got is the Town House and the little cage that Mary gave me when I had Gizzy the mouse, is the Fun House. Teddy Bear’s got the aquarium and the Play City and Gizzy have the other two.

Speaking of Gizzy, if anyone ever wanted to rent a paper shredder to destroy any documents, they wouldn’t need to. All they’d have to do is just give it to Gizzy. Instead of eating the paper like the other guys do, he shreds it up to make a nest to burrow in. I think that the reason he likes shredded paper better than sawdust is cuz it’s lighter and that way he doesn’t feel as smothered by burrowing in it.

I gave him a handful of small colorful papers that I had used to write Andy a batch of funny notes to pass out, cuz I thought it’d be nice to see all the pretty colors shredded up and mixed together. I told Andy I’d write new ones up, but then I got a better idea which I began earlier. I inserted frames in a miscellaneous document of mine and then inserted all kinds of different fonts for the text. So, he’ll just have to cut the boxes of funny lines and sayings out and distribute them that way. I’m pretty sure he’ll like this.

I’m also rearranging and reorganizing my convo tapes and labeling them more specifically. So, instead of just writing “Fran & Nervous” when their fights come up, I’ll be more specific and write what the argument was about. That way, if I want to find a certain convo, I can find it easier this way. I’m trying to group different people together too, on the same tapes, rather than have things all mixed in together.

Later…

Well, the bitch is definitely next door. Once again, I don’t see how they can live there with all the shit that’s going on there, but I just heard her being dropped off. And the van is still out there too, so I couldn’t see her cuz she was behind it, but I could hear her. She said something like, “Girl, you just don’t know…” Typical black talk. Then after another minute, the sick black fuck said goodbye to her gal pal and that’s it. He isn’t here yet, but I’m sure he’ll let me know when he arrives cuz like I said, he’s not gonna just suddenly shut up this fast. I just dread the day the dog returns! I wish I could say they gave it away, but I know better. It’s at some friend or relative’s house. Even if they did give it away, they’ll just go out and get another beast.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 27, 1997 Today, my first journal is 10 years old, but unfortunately, my 10-year writing anniversary isn’t going very well. It could be much worse, but a little something happened, just as I saw it would.

Tom was gonna take me to Red Lobster, then we were gonna go look at two different beds, but what did God to stall us and remind me that normalcy just isn’t allowed when it comes to intimate issues? He made sure the axle on the car broke! If God did anything good at all, it was to make sure we didn’t break down way the hell out on Bell Road or something. We broke down a block away and pushed the car back. At every other house, there would be a dog in its yard waiting to let us have it as we passed by. It sounded like a fucking kennel all down the block. People are so cruel!

So now Tom’s taking a bus to his ma’s house to get his car, but his car is fucked up too, as God’s made sure that this family and cars, just don’t go together. He has to push his car, then jump in and push the clutch, in order to get it to start.

Can I ever be with someone who doesn’t drive a piece of shit? Kacey had a nice car, but Ron, Brenda, and everyone I’ve been friends with, except for Kim, drove shitty, beat-up cars.

Regardless of fate stopping and stalling our plans to remind me that there’s a price to pay for meddling with fate if you can, things could be much worse. A decade ago, I was living in a deadly neighborhood, with neighbors ripping me off, and with a bundle of nerves for a friend, with lots of cold and snow, and all kinds of problems.

In other news, I got some more books when I was at Ma’s yesterday, the cravings and dizziness still get pretty fierce, and I’ll update the freeloaders later, but we have no idea what the hell’s going on with them.

Later…

It’s so nice and peaceful out now. Not even the guard dogs are going off every few minutes. It’s sad to know that in just a matter of time, I’ll have to listen to the freeloader’s dog for hours at a time.

Anyway, Tom’s gone to get me some Chinese food to salvage the day, so I’ll write more later.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 25, 1997 God, am I lightheaded! This is getting to be a constant thing and it's really annoying. Is this from not smoking? Or is this from the gum? The literature said that dizziness is a symptom people have within the first few days of quitting. It's been 3 weeks, though. You can also get dizzy from an overdose of nicotine, but I'm not even close to that. I doubt very much it's an ear infection, so what the fuck is it? I hope it goes away real damn soon.

El Cocko made his first needless trip over here today about an hour ago. He let me know it loud and clear and I'm sure he'll be back again. And again. And again. And again. So, this weekend will be no different than any other weekend will be (unless they bring back the dog and don't continue with the music), but they can't party and right now, I don't have to listen to their dog now either.

I'd write more, but I just feel too out of it to write now, so I'll do it later.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 24, 1997 Still working away next door. Tom’s guessing now that it could be sewers that they’re working on.

The freeloader came in at around 8 PM last night to get some stuff and he let me know it. Not too loud, but I still heard him. Hopefully, they won’t be able to return this weekend and hopefully, they won’t blast in 8 times a day to get shit over the weekend, either. I wouldn’t put that past them, though, and even if they didn’t need something, they’d come over in regard to me anyway.

Tom said that he’s gonna send the letter off about a week after the construction people leave so that the city doesn’t think we mistook the sounds of the stereo for work they’re doing. He also told me he doesn’t do something to fail and that he’s not gonna send the letter to make me happy (although that’ll be one of its side effects), he’s gonna send the letter to get results. Well, I hope so and that he’s not being unrealistically confident like he tends to be. I told him, though, that if it doesn’t work - he at least tried, and that’s what matters. I also reminded him of God’s insistence that I deal with other people’s noise, too. He says that he thinks she was never moving, but he doesn’t know about him or the dog. Also, he’ll mention the dog too, if it does return. Oh, I’m sure it will. He, dog, and music, will return. And I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t stop the music cuz I had the dog to listen to, too. I’m sure they’ll want to give me a double whammy to catch me up on lost dog/music time.

Speaking of being made to catch up on lost phone and waiting time - the pest is back. First he calls while I’m cleaning. I call him back and he said he’ll call me back in 5 minutes after he put in a load of laundry. Instead, I wait and wait and put my shit on hold while he decides to stuff his face with food. Then we finally talked, and of course, he had to be a pest later on, too, and call twice at night.

He didn’t have time to fill me in on his trip, but he said it was great.

He got fired from his job over the sexual harassment thing and has to go job hunting. He even admits he’s guilty too, so hopefully he’ll learn to shut up in his next job. You gotta be real damn desperate, though, to sexually harass a guy you’re not even attracted to. Andy wouldn’t kid me about that part, either, but how could you sexually tease someone you don’t even want? If he ever gets fired again for the same thing, I hope it’s over someone he felt was gorgeous, and makes it more worth it.

Andy also said he was really proud of me for not smoking, but boy I’ll tell you, yesterday was a bad day. I really had some pretty frequent and powerful urges and I told Tom I’d give it till January (after I let time prove he’s full of shit for the thousandth time over this kid he says I’ll conceive by the end of December), then see whether or not I want to keep not smoking.

Around the same time I stopped smoking, I sure have been getting a lot of dizzy spells. Yesterday we put alcohol and peroxide in my ear, in case it’s an inner ear infection, so hopefully, that’ll improve. Dizziness is part of quitting, though, cuz the brain’s getting all this extra oxygen it’s not used to yet.

When I was on SS, they used to harass me with these bullshit overpayment notices at set intervals. Well, I’ve been done with them for over 3 years now, but they still harass me with these bullshit overpayment notices. This is the same notice I’ve gotten before where they’re trying to claim I owe them $32.

Tom’s out now taking his ma to her doctor’s appointment. She sent home two Dean Koontz books for me yesterday. One of them I already read, so he’s gonna give it to Mary who’s having him work like crazy on her car during the poor guy’s vacation. She’s paying him real damn well, though. I don’t know if I’ll like the other one, but hopefully I will. Ma got two big boxes of books from Bobby, so I’ll have to go over and check them out sometime.

Ma also sent home a sandwich maker. I guess it’s for making grilled cheese sandwiches.

This Sunday, my parents, Tammy, Larry, Kim and more, will be just two hours later than us and not 3 since our clocks never change here.

Mama Cat and the kittens are still not as fearful of me as they were at first, but they’re not running up to be petted and played with, either. The kittens are so cute when they play together. At first, they always used to be at the side of the house and sometimes they still play there, but for the most part, they stay by the hedges that are almost parallel to the patio. The clothesline is right in front of these hedges and the hedges are against the block wall that separates our yard from the freeloaders. I hung a couple of pieces of yarn from the clothesline for them to play with. And I no longer have their food/water dishes by the hedges. I have them just at the start of the patio and I’ll move it closer to the door little by little and see if they get more used to me and more friendly.

Bunny’s outside now and will spend most of his days out there cuz this is the perfect time of year for that and he won’t want to come in till sundown.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 23, 1997 The construction people just arrived for the day next door. We’re still not sure what they’re doing, but we also don’t see how El Cocko or anyone could be living over there. They’ve got the whole backyard torn up. So, that explains the packing of the trunk I saw and the absence of the dog and my vibe. But does this mean they’re all moved out and not coming back? Or does it mean that they’ll be back with no dog but with music? Or does it mean that they’ll be back with the dog and but with no music? Or does it mean that they’ll be back to stick me with a double whammy of both dog and music? If they don’t come back, will it stay a city-owned house or will a buyer get it? And what type of problems will the next family bring if a new family does move in, be it owners or subsidized people?

Did that freeloader return to his music for those several days that he did, cuz he said, “Fuck it. We’re out of here anyway.” Or did he return to the music cuz of the dog being gone? Perhaps it was both, but the music did start right when the dog left.

Later…

Right now Tom’s amazing me with his determination and commitment to cleaning out the patio storeroom.

According to Tom, who tried to get us online, it’s not AOL that’s the problem. It’s our modem. So he may get us a new one. That’s right God, just keep on breaking our stuff.

We screwed earlier and of course, nothing’s changed with that, although we have had sex more often lately. That’s how it sometimes is, but I still have to see the bed and lack of money worries be his cure to believe it. He said that if I weren’t pregnant by January or February, then he’d wonder if something was up with one of us and discuss us getting the first stages of the basic testing going and that we’ll also be switching insurance soon and he’ll make sure we get the one that offers the best of the baby-making and baby caring stuff. Right! I know him and I know that come January or February, his excuse to do nothing will be cuz we didn’t get the opportunity to screw much. And there’ll be reasons why he just couldn’t cum that much yet. And of course God will help this along and ensure that something does come up to get in our way of keeping up with the sex and shit like that.

Also amazingly, I’m still not smoking, but I still have strong urges. They usually don’t last long at all, but they can be pretty damn annoying and it seems like today they’ve been more frequent. Tom disagrees, but I think that this is the way it’s gonna be from now on if I continue not to smoke. I think it’s pretty much tapered off to being how it’ll be and that it’ll be on my mind on and off and that I’ll have about 10-15 urges a day. It’ll be OK as long as I can keep from smoking. If I have to think about it, I’ll be OK if I can just think and not do.

They’re still working next door, doing God only knows what. When I went to see the cats that sit right by the block wall, I could smell cigarette smoke. I instinctively backed away, without really thinking about it. I guess that’s good. It’s a pity, though, that these houses have to be that close, although smells aren’t a problem to live with like noise is. However, if I had one of the bedroom windows open while someone was sitting in their living room smoking with an open window, I’d smell it easily.

Later…

The two guard dogs have been quieter. Something I surely can’t complain about. They’re usually barking up a storm during the days at this time of year.

Still working next door. However, I don’t see the construction vans at this time. I just see a purple pickup out front, but I heard a couple of guys talking over there. Who the hell they are, beats me, and why this truck is there instead of the vans, beats me, too. I’d say that yes, they definitely weren’t living over there the last 2-3 days. Like I said, he was packing the trunk after all. We’re pretty sure no one can live there while they’re doing whatever they’re doing, cuz it looks like they’d have to shut off the water or the electricity or both. I’d guess that this will be their last day there, so now all we have to do is see if the freeloaders return. I wonder if this few-day absence was all I was “vibing” after all. If the freeloaders do return, whether or not it’s with the dog, boy are they gonna let me know it! I’m sure they’ll come blasting in as that’ll be their way of saying, “I’m back!” Everyone wants attention and to be heard, anyway. Everyone wants others to know they’re there, that’s for sure.

I hope it’ll go to buyers if the freeloaders really are gone, but I somehow doubt that they are gone. If it went to buyers, the people would be a little more likely to give a damn about others around here, than welfare bums, and the house may stay empty for a while in between, giving me time to get Andy to get me a good lock for that hoop. If the freeloaders are gone, and if the city keeps the place, the new batch of welfare scums will be moving in there in just a matter of days. In fact, if it was known that the freeloaders would be gone as of a few days ago when they started tearing the place up, it’s already been re-rented, and if they’re done today, then tomorrow we’ll probably see the new batch of scums move in. If not, then by early next week at the latest we will.

Later…

They’re still working next door and Tom and I still don’t have a clue as to what they’re doing. From the looks of it, though, Tom’s certain that I’ve got days, even weeks, before the freeloader returns. I shall enjoy the peace till their return and return they will since Tom saw that the kid’s toys are still out front. Aside from the fact that they’re no doubt pretty sure that the noise going on is pissing me off and getting a kick out of that (but the noise isn’t pissing me off. It would if it woke me up, though), they are gonna be so anxious to get back here cuz the days that pass where they couldn’t piss me off are gonna really get to them. Boy, are they gonna live it up with the music, dog and maybe even both when they return. They are not happy about my not being able to hear from them, I can assure you that much.

Another thing that we saw was that they didn’t enclose their yard.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 22, 1997 Oh, those assholes at AOL! Always a problem with them. Alex finished reading the Oswego and Woodside journals and is ready for me to send more, yet I can’t even do that.

When Tom was in the military, his superior was trying to fuck him out of time off that was rightfully his. Everyone told him that there wouldn’t be a damn thing he could do about it, either, but they were wrong. So, he insists that there is something that can be done about next door’s music. Of course, one will get the run around if you try calling a government office over the phone, but government letter correspondences cannot be destroyed; they must legally be dealt with, etc.

Tom just doesn’t understand what it’s like to be under the influence of a God who insists she lives with other people’s noise day in and day out, year after year. He doesn’t believe in fate, he’s tolerant of noise, and he doesn’t understand that there are consequences for trying to fight what the Gods have ordered. Noise is just what the Gods have ordered. And there’s just no escaping it. Just like I told Tom, who agreed that this was possible, even if they moved right now, some new source of shit and noise is gonna move right in there. The only way out of it is to live more secluded, but I don’t know if God will ever allow us to do that. And what if I could? What if I could live where our neighbors were off in the distance and couldn’t be a problem for us as far as noise went? What would God do to me to compensate for my getting around him? If you try to get around fate or if you do get around fate, there’s always a price to pay for it.

Later…

Another thing I said would happen that did happen was based on how God doesn’t give without taking. He let me let myself give my lungs back to me and in exchange for it, he gave me the music for taking the pain of the cigarettes from me. This all goes to prove that no, God will not reward me with a child for quitting smoking. Why is it that it seems that the more people do bad, the more you get rewarded for that? I don’t, but it seems that most get rewarded with great things for being bad, but those that deserve great things more, just never get them. I may not be as desperate for a child as I once was, but I’d still take it if I could get it. I’m just not gonna go out of my way to try to get it (a doctor) cuz I know it won’t get me anywhere and if it did, I know how fucked up that kid would come out. He’s not gonna give that to someone who’s wanted that for years without a serious drawback to it. The price of that may very well be something that’d kill us both to have to pay.

Another thing that’s really sad about this unfair world and about God too, is that it’s one thing to do shit to get shit back that you deserve, but it’s another to not do shit and still get shit, anyway.

Later…

Got an update that may make my vibe about a change next door make sense.

Since 7 AM those construction trucks have been over there and this time, what they did would’ve woken me up for sure, had I been asleep. In fact, I’m sure next door is laughing their asses off about it, assuming it woke me up or pissed me off.

I never heard next door leave this morning, but they would’ve had to have left before 7:00, cuz there was some other weird-looking truck parked just outside the carport. Even Tom’s stumped as to what they could be doing, but when he went to check on the leak, which is half fixed and looking promising for once after we got rain, he said he saw them digging up trenches in the backyard and also, that thing he said was a slide, isn’t a slide. It’s a backhoe. At first, he thought they were sandblasting the house to prep it for painting since the city loves to waste money. Anyway, he’s not sure what the hell they’re doing. They could be doing something with the gas line or maybe putting in a sprinkler system to spruce it up to try to sell it to a buyer if the sick fucks are really about to move, but who knows.

Tom said that this explains why the dog’s gone. If they’re not moving, though, and if the dog returns, I’ll have to listen to its annoying barking, but at least that should stop the music, which I haven’t yet heard today, to my utter amazement. I said “yet,” though, cuz I’m sure they aren’t temporarily staying elsewhere or have moved yet. Tom brought up another theory about the music that I wondered myself, given the absence of the dog, all this work they’re doing, the packing shit in the trunk, etc. Maybe he figured, “Well, we’re out of here soon anyway, so I’m gonna blast my music for her till we do leave.”

Anyway, if they are gone, or just he’s gone, or if the dog returns, we’ll know it within a few days at least, I’d think. Later Tom will get up on the roof again to see if he can figure out what they’re doing and what it may mean. I still have a feeling about them moving, but whether or not it remains owned by the city, there’ll still be problems from over there. The only difference will be that if it’s subsidized people, there’ll be more turnovers and more of them to deal with. If it’s a buyer, it’ll be a long-term family to have to deal with. Well, God’s stuck me with screaming kids, bassy music and dogs. What’ll be next? The same thing or college kids that party hearty all the time and loud motorcycles? If it stays black over there that means we’ll still have to deal with bass. They fucking love that shit. If it turns Spanish, we’ll be back to Mormon land, as they’ve only got a hundred kids, but there’ll be kids and dogs either way.

Tom’s out signing the papers for the loan and after he stops at his ma’s, he’ll be back.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 21, 1997 Andy will be back in a day or two. It’s too soon. I need a longer break from his calls.

Tom said that next door won’t play loud music every time they come and go like they used to. It’s true that they sometimes come and go quietly, but I was right when I said I’d hear music every day at least twice. All cuz the dog is no longer there. Jesus, some people! They just gotta do shit to you to let you know they’re there. Yeah well, it’s my turn to let them know that I’m here too, and I’ve been regularly belting the clothesline pole for a good 20 seconds or so in the wee hours of the night. The only thing that worries me about this is that maybe this isn’t bothering them. I should think they’d have to hear it loud and clear, but is it waking them up? I know it’d wake me up in a flash, but everyone’s different and very few people sleep as light as I do. Another thing I worry about is God punishing me for this. Remember, behavior that’s acceptable from most isn’t acceptable from me and God may feel that this is way out of line for me. It’s OK for most people, I’m sure, but I don’t know if I can get away with this. If something starts waking me up or if more things than usual begin going wrong, then I’ll stop.

In case you’re thinking - she’s doing this at night to get them to realize it’s cuz of their music, and she hopes this will stop them - that’s not the case. As long as there’s no dog there, the music will be an everyday thing, just like I said and knew it’d be, per orders of them and God. I’m doing it cuz I’m tired of this 1-sided annoyance deal. If I have to be annoyed and even pissed off by hearing them, they’re gonna have to hear my shit too. It may not wake them up or piss them off or annoy them, but it’s gonna be a two-way street here from now on.

I still wonder about this dog, though. I don’t think God’s ever freed me of a dog’s barking after just a few months. If it’s there, it’s being kept indoors at all times, which is something nobody here would do. Given the fact that the music stopped when the dog came and the music started when the dog left, did they borrow this dog to do this? Or are they having someone else hold it for a while, then plan to go get it and swap back again? These sick fucks really would do this, too. Did one of them decide they didn’t like the dog and that it wasn’t worth the hassle of feeding and scooping up its shit? Did it break free and run off? Did someone else get fed up with its late-night barking and kill it? I doubt that cuz if that were the case, I’d have heard movement of some kind from over there if that had happened while I was up and I’d be blamed for it.

Well, enough freeloader talk for now and on to better things, like last night’s gambling.

At just after 4 AM, we went to the Gila River Casino, which was more crowded than we thought it’d be for an early Monday morning.

I thought that the smell of cigarette smoke and the sight of others smoking might tempt me, but not at all! And it actually smelled kind of gross, too.

Anyway, he won $15 and I won $75. He lost what he won and I lost most of what I won, save a $20 bill he gave me to begin with. So, after an hour and a half, we quit and went to McDonald’s for breakfast. Then we went to Wal-Mart where I got two new hideaways, 3 straight tubes, and a T-tube. This week I’ll get that other medium-size cage I want and it’s only $17. The big one I got a few months ago was $22 and the little one Mary gave me was around $14. I also may get more curved tubes, but maybe not. Mary might take Tom’s bed and give me extra tubes and stuff like that for it.

I also talked to Mom yesterday who said we need a new screen door, I should paint the kitchen, we shouldn’t feed the cats, and we should put the house up for sale and make a move. Tom doesn’t have to bass our moving on the stocks, she says. I wish it were that easy to move, but unfortunately, we have a good 4-8 more years here. Tom says that in January he’ll have a better guess as to when we’ll move, but I know that all his timetable guesses are bullshit. I also know what my vibes tell me about moving. Just like they do with the kid and that just cuz I’m not smoking and just cuz we might be getting a new bed, Tom’s Tom and fate’s fate, but that’s OK at this day and age.

Later…

Just a quick update on the freeloaders. First, though, we went to Ma’s and I cut her nails for her. She gave me a puzzle too, that she’d already done, but it was one I once had and did myself. It was still very nice of her to give it to me.

After Ma’s, we went to the library where I picked up a couple of books and Tom verified that yes, the freeloader’s house is owned by the city. Now, they could very well be city workers, but it’s quite unlikely. It’s no doubt a case of her being on subsidized housing and Loverboy is probably not supposed to be there. Tom, who says he’s gonna send the city a letter (this I’ve got to see), said that this letter may help to get rid of him or all of them, but there’s a catch. I believe, that this letter won’t accomplish shit and if it did, the city would replace them instantly since there are so many bums out there with kids that need a subsidized place. And they would never put just one person in that 3-bedroom house, who’s in my old shoes and who wants to better their lives. They’d put a family over there with adults that just don’t give a shit and they’ll no doubt be far from white, too.

I called a housing number and asked who to talk to regarding complaining about their noise and was referred to another number, but they told me to call the police. That’s what’s gonna happen with this letter, too. I’m sure of it. Either no one’s gonna respond to it in any way shape or form, or they’ll send us a reply saying to call the police. You can only complain about zoning violations and that means stuff like old roofs, etc.

So, what I’m saying is that if Tom ever does send the city a letter, which he may do in 10 years or may never do at all, it’s not gonna do us a damn bit of good and God will be there to see to it, too. God will never allow me any peace from neighbors and as long as there’s no dog there, the music will be an everyday thing. I know I’m right about their intentions, even though Tom tells me I’m wrong. They did just what I knew they’d do. I said to myself that if for some reason the dog was ever gone, the music would start right back up again and it did. I’m not being paranoid here. I know what I’m saying.

It looks like they may have also put up a slide in their backyard and Tom said it doesn’t mean they still may not move in a few months or so, cuz you can move them easily. Again, there were also construction trucks there, too, and I smelled the odor of freshly cut wood, so maybe they did finally enclose their yard.

I told Tom I feared that they’d hang onto that house for years since subsidized housing is hard to come by, but he says it’s the other way around. They’re now getting strict with giving people public assistance and would put a time limit on them to encourage them to move on. Yeah, but if they do move on, new trouble comes right back in there with a new set of rude, selfish, inconsiderate, noise-making sick fucks.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 19, 1997 I just made mashed potatoes and brownies. I made the mashed potatoes cuz I saw a commercial where they added chicken broth to it, instead of butter. So I wanted to try it, but it wasn’t all that great.

In freeloader news, he didn’t play any more music yesterday that we know of, but tonight was a different story. Tom said he didn’t hear any music all day and that all he heard were car doors. Then at 10 PM, while he was still asleep, the freeloader came blasting in and loaded up his trunk. A half-hour later he left again with the music softer. Then he returned at 1:30 with no music and has been there ever since. I guess he’s now back to parking just outside the carport too, now that the weather’s cooled down. Still no dog, either.

As hard as it was to keep myself from going out there and kicking his ass and believe me, I wanted to soooooooooooo bad, I got a theory. This could be pure wishful thinking, but perhaps he’s moving out if they all aren’t, and maybe the dog is at the new place. Also, it was around this time last year that he was gone till around May or so.

Anyway, I decided that it was high time they heard annoying noise from me. So, I went outside and beat a rock on the clothesline pole. Something they had to have heard unless they’re unbelievably heavy sleepers.

Not this morning at around 3 AM, but tomorrow morning at this time, we’re gonna go take about $30 each and have fun gambling at one of the casinos on the Indian reservation. Ma gave us a pill bottle full of dimes and a little coffee jar full of nickels. That was very nice of her.

Ma also gave us some jokes she got off the computer. Most of them were boring, but some were funny. More so than jokes, they were funny bumper stickers seen all over and funny medical and political sayings. I’ll send the medical ones to Kim and the rest will go to Bob.

In my mom’s message to me a couple of days ago, she asked if I was still not smoking and said that if I’d gotten this far, I’ve got it licked. Yes, I think so too, even though I still have strong urges here and there. They pass quickly enough, though. Just a few hours ago, I hit my two-week marker!

I also got more mail from the Nicorette program. I didn’t expect anything else till next week, but then I realized they were playing catch up. I didn’t call them for the stuff right away, so now they’ve got the mailings timed to the date I quit. The pamphlet I got was what you’re supposed to get after your second week of not smoking. It was a pamphlet of basically the same things I’ve already read about - reasons why you shouldn’t smoke, other people’s stories about quitting, etc. There was also a postcard in which they ask you if you’re still not smoking and how many pieces of gum a day you’re using. This is so they can send you stuff to help with relapses.

The neon yellow plastic ball that little critters use to run around in broke. It had a few big cracks, so Tom picked up two new clear balls so that they can run around together.

Mama Cat and the kittens are still here and I was even able to play with White Feet with a long piece of twig, but Blackie’s much timider and won’t get that close to me. Anyway, I’m still feeding and watering them, but I don’t think any of them will ever want to live inside the house with us.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 17, 1997 In just another 24 hours it’ll be two weeks since I last smoked. Wow!

Now for my shitty news - it’s back. They swapped back to their old shit and now I’ve got the music to listen to, rather than the dog.

Last night I had no fans on from 9:45 at night and all the way into the next day. To my utter shock, I never heard one bark from next door. Not one. Then, at 7:30 he left with his music playing loud and came back in at 10:15 doing the same thing. When he came back then, I opened the door and looked out at him to make sure it really was him, and am pretty sure he saw me, too. Then, I heard 3 door slams a few minutes later, suggesting he came to pick up his bitch and the kid, then he left. I fell asleep before his return, which I’m sure was plenty loud enough.

So basically, we’re back to the same old shit and I’ll have to listen to the music 2, 4, or more times a day and if they don’t move around the new year, they’re not going anywhere. As far as Tom believes, the dog’s still there and this is just a one-time thing that can legally be dealt with. As far as I’m concerned, they may have gotten rid of the dog for whatever reason and therefore, they’re back to the music. I told you I knew that both they and God decided that it’d either be the dog or the music. This isn’t gonna go away. I know this isn’t a one-time deal and that it’ll be a constant problem every day of every week and I don’t believe him when he says it can be dealt with. Nothing can or will stop these sick fucks whether the dog’s gone or not. They just don’t care. This is the shit I have to deal with while we’re here and I know better - if they left right now, someone else would come in doing something else. Tom said they’re not doing it deliberately since they don’t consider others when it comes to doing what they do, but just in case I’m right about it being deliberate, don’t go to the door and give them a reaction, he says. No, they don’t give a shit about others, but yes, they are gearing this at me. They both reacted in a very typical way, right when I first asked them to lower the music. A classic reaction for big-city people especially and that’s that he didn’t give a shit, and she got pissed. If someone from another state asked me how people here take to being asked to lower noise, the answer I’d give would be simple: They either won’t give a shit or they’ll get so pissed off that they not only won’t want a damn thing to do with you, but if you didn’t know any better, you’d think you ripped them off and fucked over their family members for them to be that pissed at you. No matter how nicely you ask someone to lower noise, 95% of them won’t, cuz they just don’t care or will get furious over it.

This black bitch decided she hated me before she ever met me. She wasn’t here yet when I first asked him to turn his music down, which he obviously told her about later, and there it was, right from the get-go - sheer hatred and anger for me. I could see it in her whole demeanor and expression. All over a simple, reasonable, stupid little request that never should’ve become such a goddamn big deal. If they keep up with this selfish, rude, inconsiderate attitude, they’re gonna have a hard life, but that’s their problem.

Yesterday was exactly 6 weeks ago that me and his bitch had our screaming match. I knew deep down that this would happen and that if they didn’t start back with the music right away, then they’d wait a while to try to keep it from being obvious, but I’m not stupid. I know it’s aimed at me. They may like loud music anyway, and not give a shit about others, but I know what I’m in for from here on out and it is aimed at me. Tom said they wouldn’t get rid of the dog and return to the music overnight. Why wouldn’t they? If the dog is gone, then I’ll bet that after that time I let them have it early that morning, they borrowed the dog from someone, stopped the music, and then decided that yesterday was a good day to change back to their old ways. I know they quieted down with the music before the dog got here, but that’s mainly only cuz he wasn’t here. He returned pretty much at the same time the dog got here and people are sick, so they would let someone borrow their dog to harass someone else with it. People out here couldn’t care less about their dogs.

I told Tom that he’s welcome to go find out who owns the house and to log their regular blast ins and outs, and I will too if he wants, but that no amount of legal complaining’s gonna stop this. I’ve also known that since 1991, God’s insisted that I live with some kind of noise problem, and this time, I know the consequences of trying to fight fate, I know that even if I could fight this and win that God would replace it with something else to bother me, and I’m not gonna give God the satisfaction of giving him the reaction he wants and expects, and I’m not gonna give it to these sick freeloaders either like I did with the dog. They got just what they wanted and expected from me and now that’s over with, and we’re back to the original source of harassment. I think. This beast still may very well be there and be a problem too, in addition to the music. We’ll see.

I can’t fight God and win, no legal action would work, talking to them did no good, Tom won’t let me beat the shit out of them and end it for good that way, so rather than try to fight a fight I can’t win and give God and the freeloaders the reaction they want, I’ll just live with it for the 4-8 more years that I’m here.

Tom says that if we move to where we’re more secluded, not to scare me or say it’s bad, but there’d be more bugs and maybe even things like rattlesnakes. Well, as scary as that is, I’ll take that over dogs, music, screaming, and ball games that are just a few feet away, cuz that’s something that can be dealt with and avoided.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 16, 1997 I just went and downloaded a few old Linda pictures and put them into my wallpaper thing. Tom hasn’t set up the thing he said he was gonna set up yet for making the pictures look better, cuz he’d been busy, but I didn’t need it anyway. They look fine as they are.

For the thousandth time, I had to restrain myself from going next door and pummeling those freeloaders. Who the fuck do they think they are with their dog?! Someone’s got to teach them that they can’t just not give a shit about others around them and I hope Tom’s sincere when he says he’ll help me. He and I both agreed that the most logical thing to do at first would be to go to the library and see who owns that house. However, I’m afraid that he’s gonna conveniently not be able to find this out, but I know this has to be a matter of public information. Their computers are hooked up to a special government thing and other things that home PCs can’t access. I don’t know how all this shit works, but I know he does. I’m still afraid I’m gonna get some excuse from him as to why he couldn’t find out either at all or for sure who owns the house and how to contact the owner about their shit if it is a city or landlord-owned house.

Once again, my going off about the dog was what they both wanted and expected and this was also her excuse to go off on me, too. She wasn’t pissed at me for threatening this dog she’s supposed to love so much. It was the principal of the point and I still know that they got this dog in regard to me. They don’t give a shit about this dog, cuz if they did they wouldn’t leave it outside 24/7 first of all. Secondly, if I had a dog that someone threatened to shoot, even if I believed that they were just saying that to vent their steam, I wouldn’t take any chances if I loved that dog. I’d haul the dog indoors and I’d either beat the shit out of them or I’d take the matter to court. Although the courts don’t operate on threats. They only do something if something’s actually done to an animal or a person and it has to be proven, but even then, it’s iffy.

The only thing that makes no sense is why this dog first started off not being a problem. Tom says that as the weather gets cooler, it’ll settle down at night. Well, it hasn’t been that hot, and even if it did settle down as it got cooler, it’s gonna get hot again in just a handful of months and then I’ll have to sit and deal with the same old shit for many months and I don’t think so!

Like I said, I should have beat the shit out of them over a year ago, but since I promised Tom I wouldn’t, I should’ve only asked them once about the first source of rude noise which was the music, then got their asses into court for that and then the dog. Still, though, I don’t see how going to court or filing a complaint anywhere is gonna do a damn bit of good even though Tom says it will and that noise can easily be dealt with. These people just don’t care. They won’t listen to a neighbor, they won’t listen to a judge, they won’t listen to anyone. I’ll bet if they had a dying parent over there that asked them to shut it up, they’d pitch a fit on that too, and keep on doing as they please only.

What they’re up to is just too damn obvious here. The doors and the dog began right after I hauled off about their early morning music and the music’s been virtually non-existent since then. I appreciate the fact that they did something about the music from the bottom of my heart, but this doesn’t mean that they had to go and do something else, either. And I don’t know for sure that the lack of music is cuz of me. It could be for any reason. So like I said before, I know they had it in mind to swap in the music for the dog and doors. Also, before the dog, he’d always park either just outside or just inside the carport and he’d never go door slamming so much. But now he slams the doors and parks deep into the carport where he knows the sound will funnel better. Something else just hit me tonight about why he chose to park deep in the carport. Cuz it’s right next to the window that’s lit up the most. There are 3 windows on their side. The two bedrooms and the back room. The two bedrooms are often dark cuz we’re only in one of them to sleep for the most part, and the other to listen to music, which I do in the dark. Also, there’s foil and soundproofing stuff up in those windows. The back room, however, is the room we use the most, besides the living room. It’s always lit up and he saw this and decided to park by the room he sees that we use the most.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15, 1997 Today Tom picked me up my second gum refill. The starter kit costs about $46 and the refills are about $30.

I also got my first of all those mailings I’m supposed to get. It had a customized booklet on quitting smoking with my name all over it to personalize it, a “congratulations for deciding to quit” letter, and a coupon for toothpaste with a tooth whitener in it.

In case I forgot to mention - Gizzy’s a male gerbil. That’s what they had written on the receipt, so I guess I got all male animals. Inside the house, anyway.

A while back I had mentioned us getting a free movie for the next 6 months from one of the pay-per-view channels, but it doesn’t look like we can cuz our cable box isn’t suited for that.

Tom got us a new microwave today and it’s a nice one. It’s very powerful like the other one was and cost $140. It’s got some really neat features that I didn’t even know existed. It’s got a sensor reheat, a sensor popcorn, etc. As usual, though, those sensor things don’t work too well. The sensor popcorn made a damn good guess that was close, but not quite. It’s black, so spots on it won’t show up as much as they did with our old white one. It’s also a carousel, too. At this time, I’ve got a long tunnel separating the little and medium cages. Teddy Bear has the aquarium and the little cage. Gizzy has the tunnel, the medium cage, and two rings on top of that. He likes to sit up top the rings, now that he can climb straight down and any way he pleases. I’m glad these things are so inquisitive, too, cuz they never fail to check out every inch of any new setups I create.

Why is Tom so wonderful, so helpful, so smart, so supportive, yet such a liar? Now he’s telling me I’ll be pregnant for sure in December unless a meteor strikes the house and kills us. Well, maybe someday he’ll admit his true feelings and all about why he won’t cum much and realize I’m sterile.

Even though I know better, and even though God allowed me to take control of my life/body with the elimination of the smokes, something’s different this time. This time there’s something different about the way he told me this. Regardless of whether or not I’m OK, could he have planned this? I mean he obviously knew those few times he let go at prime time that we could’ve made a kid since he thinks I’m fertile but was he hoping I’d quit smoking soon enough, then wait a few months afterward to really let go when the bulk of the shit from the cigarettes would be out of my system? Well, we’ll see if he avoids prime time till December’s prime time, then cums more often.

Later…

It’s about that time now when the freeloader’s beast will be going off till 10:30 or even till 1 AM. It’d be so peaceful for the next 12 or so hours if only that fucking beast weren’t in the picture.

My slow, clumsy, klutz of a hamster never liked the red plastic wheel that came with the last cage I got. It’s tilted too much. However, it seems that Gizzy just may like it. He surely can balance himself on it better, since he’s smaller and has a tail.

Tom read his second John Saul book and liked it, and now God’s acting like there’s a pregnancy to dodge once again. By the time we get around to screwing again, it’ll be too late for a normal woman.

Tom’s really happy, though, that after working for years to get us well off financially, we finally are. I’m happy, too, but I still don’t buy it when he says that this and the bed will change our sex lives. And anyway, we still have one more step to hope to get through as far as getting this loan goes. A guy came today to do an appraisal of the house, but if that doesn’t work out, bye-bye loan.

A few days ago I quit the prevention inhaler (Ventolin) and all I have to take once or twice a day is the Proventil if I get a slight wheeze, but I don’t even have to take that if I don’t want to.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 14, 1997 I know I haven’t written much lately. It’s still hard to follow old routines, but it is getting easier. Overall, this is still the easiest quitting smoking’s ever been for me, but it does have its hard moments, that’s for sure. I’m going on day 10 now, amazingly, and I thought it was about time I caught up with the writing.

Let me start with the assholes and get them out of the way first. The beast has been taking some fits between the hours of 10 PM - 1 AM and as I told Tom, it’s time to take them to court, since he insists he doesn’t want me to set them straight.

Who the fuck do these freeloaders think they are?! First they come in here like they own the block, then they act like I asked them to shoot their parents when I asked them to turn down the music, then this thing with the dog has her running over here, telling me to shut up and that she doesn’t want to know I exist, yet it’s OK for me to have to know she exists by me having to listen to her dog, and their car horns and talking. I don’t think so! Somebody’s got to set this bitch straight. I mean, you just can’t do that. You can’t go into some neighborhood and be this uncooperative and selfish. You can’t go to someone’s door, whether or not they threatened your dog, and tell them to shut up (I still don’t know why I didn’t beat the shit out of her and I still kind of wish I did). You also can’t tell someone that you don’t want to know they exist while you keep on sticking noise on them of different sources. Well, it’s a two-way street here and these assholes better learn this or else they will get their asses kicked someday by some neighbor. If it weren’t for Tom, they’d be mincemeat but one of these days, they’re gonna fuck with someone like me who won’t have a Tom to consider.

Tom says he’s seen the dog leashed to a stake that’s in the center of the yard. It can reach all edges of the yard. He also said he saw construction service trucks over there on Monday and that he heard hammering. He said that he didn’t know what they were doing, but hoped they were having their yard enclosed. That wouldn’t stop them from putting the dog in the carport if they wanted to.

As I’ve said before, I know there’s good and bad in all kinds of colors, races, nationalities, etc., and I loved Steve and thought he was a great guy (he lived across from me on Woodside Terrace), but most of these blackies are sick pups. If they’re not religious fanatics, they’re into some kind of crime, or they’re selfish, rude, bitches just like with what we got next door. Most of them are, anyway.

Leave it to a sick bitch like her to be with a phony wimp like he is, too. Someone she can push around and control. A guy who would be all smiles and say “Sure. No problem,” about turning down the music, which was such phony bullshit, is just her type of man.

Speaking of Mr. Phony and Miss Bitch, well, I guess they had a little squabble at just after 10 PM. I heard them wheel in their recycle bin and why they did it so late, beats me. Right before this, though, I heard a door slam, so maybe he came home, pulled it in if it’s his job to do, then she heard him come in and went running out to bitch at him. No, I’m not sure it was an argument since the bitch always speaks aggressively and always seems to be pissed at something, but I still think she was mad at him. He sounded annoyed and a bit defensive, while she sounded pissed. Maybe she thought he oughta be in earlier than 10:00. Anyway, the wuss of a guy seemed like he did not want to deal with her, but I know these smiling phony dudes. I’ll bet he got off on my screaming match with his bitch and I’ll bet he got off on blasting me out and with my asking him to turn it down. That, as well as the fact that he too, is a selfish, rude, bastard.

I still have a feeling, though, that something’s to be changing within that house real soon, but I don’t know what. Things would be fine if they continued to keep the music down and if the dog shut up between 6 PM - 1 AM. It’s quiet during the days and unless that’s gonna change, and unless it’s gonna be like the other two will be any time now, barking till sunup to sundown, it’d be fine. That’s all I’d need would be for the two dogs to ruin the days cuz they will any day now, then have to sit and listen to the freeloader’s beast all night.

Later…

I talked to Andy, who’s now off in the friendly skies. I won’t miss the frequent calls/messages. I know no law says I have to call or respond to his messages, it’s just that I’d feel I was being rude if I didn’t at least reply to whatever he has to say. He is my best friend still, and I do care about him.

It’s been wonderfully quiet in the near hour that I’ve been sitting here in the back room, but of course, that’s subject to change at any second.

Andy’s happy that I’m now going on my 10th day of not smoking, as is my dad who I talked to today after getting their package. He said that about after a month, people can light up in front of me and it won’t faze me.

I got two valances, as I believe they’re called, that you put in between the mattress and the box spring and that set of sheets. It doesn’t match the comforter, though, like we thought. Also, there was no bedding of theirs and I can’t believe they can’t find it. How can you lose brand-new bedding?

They also sent a couple more of those cute mini wind chimes (a monkey and a panda), a few other odds and ends, and a Mary Higgins Clark book. This came with good timing too, cuz I wanted to check her out, as I heard she might write similar to John Saul and so far, I like this book of hers I’m reading.

It took Gizzy a little time to learn to go down the tubes. He could go straight up, but not straight down. I had to teach him by slowly making the incline steeper and steeper. He’s so cute to watch as he runs through all his tubes. Teddy Bear’s different. He just likes a piece of tube to sleep in if he isn’t sleeping in the hideaway or elsewhere, but he doesn’t go running through tubes for the hell of it like Gizzy does. He’s so fast, too, compared to the slow, clumsy T-Bear and he’s the fastest on the wheel, too. Even a bit faster than Gizzy the mouse was.

Let’s see…the washer and dryer broke, then the car, then the TV, and now this TV and VCR are fucked up. Then the vacuum broke and I’m sure other things have broken that have slipped my mind at this time. A few days ago I was sitting around and asked God what he was gonna break next and I thought about what he could possibly hit next and today he made his choice. He made sure our microwave broke and he’s fucking with the car again, too.

Like I told Tammy, she and her family have repeated health problems and meanwhile, our stuff keeps breaking.

Now Tom “thinks” and “believes” in his “opinion,” that I’ll be pregnant in December. Oh please! Doesn’t this guy ever get sick of this shit? And how does he expect this to happen with me being sterile and with him too afraid to cum? By magic? By God suddenly loving us? I’m pleased that God decided to have the kindness to allow me to allow myself to quit smoking, but this doesn’t mean he’s gonna be like, “Sure, go ahead. Use your body and plumbing to your heart’s desire. Do what you want with your life. Have a kid.” He’s been more patient and understanding with me and supportive of my not smoking, which I more than appreciate, but to say that the bed’s what’s gonna help him, and not having to worry about money (even though he says we always could’ve afforded a kid), will really help him, is BS. He’s not only always got an excuse, but he’s got a BS “answer” too, for what’ll make him cum more. He’ll cum more when he wants to and isn’t afraid to.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 11, 1997 I woke up with an upset belly, but hopefully the Chinese food he got will help.

The door slamming hasn't begun yet and the dog's been quiet. That's cuz it's saving all its energy so it can bark from 6 PM-midnight. We're getting ready to go to court here, I swear! It's either that, or I go over there and beat the holy snot out of them, and I know Tom would rather I didn't.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 10, 1997 Today’s one of those days where I’m tired and don’t feel like doing too much of anything, so I may not write for too long.

To get the less pleasant things out of the way first - the asshole’s dog is pretty quiet during the daytime. 2-3 hours in the early evening is a different story.

Coming into the weekend gets my nerves going, as usual, and this is the second night in a row I thought I heard music at a so-so volume, but can’t be sure if it was them. Off we go to court, though, if the music does become a problem.

As for them moving in December, well, I’m beginning to doubt that cuz wouldn’t there be a for-rent or for-sale sign up by now? I also can’t imagine God seeing to it that I only had to put up with this beast for 2-3 more months. I’d think he’d want to compensate me for the two wonderful years there was no dog there and for the lack of music (if it stays that way). Not that he couldn’t ensure the new neighbor’s music and dog drove me nuts if they were to move.

Given the fact that we’re doing the best we’ve ever done financially since we got married, and given the fact that I’m approaching day 7 with no cigarettes, it’s almost scary. Things seem too good to be true and I’m afraid some shit will hit the fan, whether it’s due to the freeloaders or something else and I wonder if I’ll be able to get through it without smoking.

Tom also insists he’s “100% sure” that the bed and the not smoking is the key to his dick cumming more and the key to God allowing us a child. Oh, come on! Doesn’t he think I know better? He’ll say anything to keep me off the cigarettes. And I also wonder how I’ll handle not smoking as the months go by and I see how much I continue to be right about that.

If I’m still not smoking on Sunday, that’ll mark the longest I’ve ever gone without smoking. It’s unbelievable. Totally unreal to me and I guess I’m still shocked. It hasn’t really hit me yet. I sure do love waking up able to breathe, though, and not needing inhalers. No more constant coughing, tightness, wheezing or congestion, either.

Mom and Dad left a message on AOL wishing me a happy Jewish New Year and once again, I wonder if Ma’s not senile or something. She said that in the package of bedding she sent me, she may have accidentally sent her new bedding, too! Jesus! Anyway, she asked for me to ship any white/yellow checkered bedding back that I may get and said she’d pay the postage. I told her not to worry about the postage and that I’d ship it back to her.

As I said, I’ve been feeling lazy and tired today and will do the dishes, the grocery list and some cooking tomorrow. Right now I could sure go for a cup of hot chocolate, so I’ll return later to tell you all about our new black Mongolian gerbil, Gizzy!

Later…

I did get the dishes done, after all.

Gizzy’s half the size of Teddy Bear and probably won’t get as big. He’s all black with just a tiny dot of white on the chest and two front paws. This, or if they’re all black, is how you know what kind of gerbil it is (Tom researched this online).

T-Bear may like and get along with Bunny and Spunky, but he’s not very fond of Gizzy and the feeling’s mutual. I was right when I said they wouldn’t kill each other, but they really loved bullying each other around. So, they’re together, but separate. I put a clear, grated cap in between them, so they can get nose to nose, but not shove each other around and hiss about each other. T-Bear’s the one that hisses. We read that hamsters don’t get along with other hamsters (although gerbils love other gerbils), so maybe Gizzy’s scent is too much like a hamster’s, cuz T-Bear loves Bunny and Spunky.

Anyway, I also got another little cactus figurine. This one’s made of plastic and has two little purple silk flowers on it. Not for their cage, of course, but for decoration.

I got another wire wheel too, as the purple, red and yellow ones are screwed up. The wire ones are the best. My first wire one was all pink. This one - the wheel was magenta, but the stand was purple. So I made them both of two different colors and have one that’s pink and purple and the other’s magenta and pink.

Gizzy’s in the medium-sized cage and has more tubes to use than T-Bear and T-Bear’s in the aquarium and little cage.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 8, 1997 Well, this dog that I thought wasn’t so bad after all, was a different story last night. For about an hour or two in the early evening yesterday, it just wouldn’t shut the fuck up! Then, I heard it again at midnight for a while, but I just ran and blasted my music and sang my heart out to try to deal with it that way without me freaking out. Then today, as I was over seeing the kittens, it heard me and started barking, nearly scaring the shit out of me.

I’m trying to keep my promise to Tom, but it is sooo hard. If I could just have 5 minutes with them, their dog’s barking would be a thing of the past and there’d be no chance of them ever returning to blasting in and out of here. It wouldn’t ruin our filing for a line of credit by causing them to complain, etc. like Tom said. However, if I hear that dog after 10 PM more than once in a blue moon, I’ll be over there. And the poor little black bitch will know I exist, alright.

Ma sent a message thanking us for the instructions and said she got a re-dialer that’s just 25¢ a call and a far cry from Sprint.

Mom and Dad only type in either all lower or all upper-case letters. This time it was all caps.

Tom’s mom also sent home a picture of her, dad, and Tom at the racetrack, standing by one of Tom’s honorary horses. It’s in a nice frame and is on the shelf with other pictures.

Tom said that this is guessing very conservatively, but he says that the bed should be delivered by November 3rd or 4th. Something will come up to delay that too, I’m sure, but I hope not. For once, I hope not. We’ve waited long enough for this.

Finally! Andy’s to be leaving PHX on the 13th and he’ll be in Springfield from the 14th-18th. Then early on the 18th, he’ll be going to New York to see Xena (I take it Michelle’s still going with him). Then he’ll be driving back to PHX on the 19th and he expects to arrive here on the 22nd.

Later…

It’s a gorgeous day of about 80º. I put Bunny outside for a little while and changed the cat’s water and gave them more food. Mama Cat now lets me get within a few feet of her, but she still hisses at me when I do. The kittens still shy away from me, too. They’ve grown a little since they were here when we had that huge storm, and they’re so cute! I fried up some chicken a few days ago, before Tom got cat and kitten food, and gave them some of that, and Mama Cat devoured that in no time.

They’re still having that buy-one-get-one-free deal on bread, so the birds are still getting bread. The good thing about it is that they’re not messing up the patio. I’ve got them held back on the lawn by throwing their food out there to them and they don’t bother with coming onto the patio.

Another withdrawal symptom I’m having is dizziness. That’s due to the brain suddenly getting all this extra oxygen that it’s not used to getting. At least I’m not stuck for a second day in a row. I took two shits earlier.

Tom says that another reason, in his eyes, that would cause God to be more willing to allow us a child, is cuz of how I’d be trying to quit for just me in the past, but this time I’m quitting for me, him and for a kid. Well, I still don’t see him budging on that, cuz if God hasn’t yet found me deserving and ready for it, then how could he ever? Yes, it does make sense, like I said before, that he’d give someone a child after they quit smoking, but then there’ll be something else that’ll make sense, then something else, cuz that’s the way it always works. So what about the things that made sense before I quit? If it is a case of God waiting for me to quit smoking, why did he wait till now to give me the strength to allow myself to quit? Why not years ago? Also, if quitting smoking is the key to a child in God’s eyes, I’ll know by January at the latest. If I’m not pregnant by then, then I’m still right about it not being fated to be.

We’ll also see just how much this really does affect Tom’s performance in bed too, or if he just said it would in order to motivate me. I really hope not, cuz although I’m used to the way things are and don’t expect them to change just cuz I stopped smoking, I don’t like bullshit motivational tactics, either.

There are a lot of ways that I can analyze and view this whole thing. I mean, I do feel like I’m being prepared for something, but the thing that seems most logical kind of scares me. What if God’s preparing me for some major tragedy like some accident or illness that he feels I’d die from if I smoked? This could be to prepare me for something terrible to come too, but we’ll see in time if it’s to survive something bad, to help something good, or simply just because.

Later…

Well, we just got done screwing. I didn’t cum cuz I’m not as horny after my period, and of course, he didn’t either. He said that’d take a few weeks to change. Mhm. Sure. I’ve heard this before a million times.

I’m taping a movie right now so I don’t have to watch all the baby commercials. Sex and babies are the last things I need to be dealing with right now.

It’s now been 95 hours since my last smoke. How unreal it seems.

I doubt it, but can’t be sure if the beast barked up a storm this evening. I had fans on so I wouldn’t have to be bothered with hearing anything that may piss me the hell off. Tom said the early evening barking will stop as the weather cools down. He says that when it’s really hot, the thing’s being still and lazy, building up energy for barking fits as it gets cooler at sundown. But, now that it’s getting cooler, it shouldn’t bark more during the day, but it should bark less at night. Whatever, I mean, I just wish the dog and them would drop dead and that that house would stay empty till we moved, but life’s all about wishing and dreaming.

Soon, I’ll be stopping all letters to Paula. Except for Larry, I’m not gonna have a one-sided pen pal deal here, and for all I know, that PO Box may not even belong to her anymore. Not with how much she moves around. So, just like with Shelly, no letters from me till and if I ever hear from her.

Entry by Tom -

I’m taking time away from reading my book to write this entry. I’m so proud of the way you have stopped smoking. I’m sure that things are going to get better. I should be able to get the washers changed on Friday and most of the branches picked up as well. I think I had better close out this entry and start getting ready for work. I love you.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 7, 1997 Boy, has our weather changed overnight. This is the kind of weather our sick freeloaders won’t appreciate. I hope. He’s never been living here past - what? Wasn’t it around late October or early November that he moved and only came around for visits every 1-3 weeks? Nonetheless, it’s gone from hot to chilly and I’ll bet that tonight, it’ll be too cold to be out sleeveless. I even have the cooler on vent and not on cool right now.

Things have been peaceful around here. I just hope that God will be understanding of my rather fragile situation now and that he’ll hold off the next phone call about any more deaths or problems of a serious nature. And any other problems, too.

This is day 3 of not smoking and it sure is a challenge. It’s definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it makes losing weight, learning to draw, and learning sign language and Spanish seem like a piece of cake. Having and raising a child may be the hardest thing to do, but this is surely runner-up. Tom, who says I’m Wonder Woman, says I can do both. I don’t know about that.

After letting Andy know I was trying to quit smoking, he left me quite a self-absorbed message yesterday, telling me how frustrated he is that he has no car, no sex, etc. Not that I don’t care or know what it’s like to have hardships, but I told him not to take it personally if he doesn’t hear much from me, since I’m trying to avoid things I’d associate with smoking. I just can’t sit and play phone with him or be held up from things I’ve got to do, which I’m way behind on. I haven’t been doing much, though, cuz this not smoking thing has made me tired. Then, I wondered if he even got my messages (Laura could’ve erased them) about what happened with Lisa and with the not smoking and then he returned the message saying he was sorry to hear about Lisa, will try to see Tammy and all of them when he goes back east, and that’s impressive that I’ve quit smoking, but don’t feel bad if I fail.

I’d feel miserable if I failed, but anything’s possible. Tom thinks this is it, but Andy’s a pessimist like me and may be that way about the not smoking for a while, as well as a bit jealous. This is understandable, though. I’m just trying to take it one step at a time and not tell myself I’ll succeed or I’ll fail. Just that I hope to succeed.

I just hope Andy leaves soon enough. He said he feels like this trip is never gonna happen, but his ma left him a message saying she was car hunting for him, so hopefully he’ll be gone and will feel better once he gets his new car. I hope God will allow him to have a life when he returns, too. If he could just meet that perfect guy and have more things to do besides work, smoke pot and talk on the phone, then he’ll be happier and maybe he won’t bug me so much with calls.

Anyway, I am breathing better and my nose is clearer. My skin also seems a bit softer, too. I’m at 108 pounds and sure to keep climbing. One thing at a time, though, so I’m not worrying right now about weight, exercise, or anything like that. All I’m worried about is not smoking and staying at least active/busy enough and not eating like a pig. I haven’t eaten more than I usually do, though, but we’ll just see where my weight goes in time if I continue to succeed with not smoking.

The Nicorette came with a lot more than it did when I last tried it back east. It had a booklet about the gum and was full of motivational stuff when I got it before, and it not only had that this time too, but it had a tape of the booklet as well. It also had stickers to stick on your calendar to remind you when to begin each of the 3 steps. You’re supposed to be on the gum for 12 weeks, but after 6 weeks, you drop the gum from one piece every 1-2 hours to one piece every 2-4 hours. Then on weeks 10-12, I have one piece every 4-8 hours.

The booklet also had a personal ID number where you can call an 800 number to get a personalized stop-smoking plan. Over a 12-week course, you get a stop-smoking plan, a newsletter with people’s stories about quitting, a motivational postcard, more tips on quitting, a congratulations packet with weight-loss tips, and an award certificate. They also ask you questions like, are you quitting for better health? To save money?

After I had the relapse after going 29 hours, I had 7 cigarettes till I quit again for the last time 6 hours later at 11 PM on October 4th. I put the cigarettes out in the garage and asked Tom to hide them, which he did. When he gets up, though, I’ll tell him he can now destroy them. Even though I’ve only had 7 cigarettes since 1 PM on Friday, my quit time is officially 11 PM on Saturday, cuz I haven’t had any cigarettes since then.

Tom always told me that if I ask him to get me cigarettes, he will, and that as long as I try my best, that’s what’s important to him. He’s been a great support, very cheerful, positive, etc.

Tom says he feels better himself and that he’s peppier and less congested when he wakes up. I love not being so tight and wheezy and congested. The two withdrawal symptoms I’ve had the most are trouble concentrating and fatigue, but it could be worse. At least I don’t have headaches and stomach upsets like I thought I would. I was stuck 3 days ago, and today, but the last two days I had no problem and hopefully I won’t stay stuck much longer.

I had asked for a puzzle instead of the gerbil, so I could keep my hands busy, but I guess that Tom’s still gonna get me a gerbil if I’m still not smoking this Friday. I got the puzzle really cheap at just $3, but I still have a hard time doing things that require concentration, so I’ll try again some other time.

Later…

One of the side effects of this gum, besides heartburn, is hiccups. Especially if you chew too fast. So I have to sometimes take the gum out and swallow water upside down a few times to get rid of them.

Ma sent home with Tom a beautiful pitcher with cactuses on it today. I washed it out as it was quite dusty and it’s now sitting on top of the frig.

Tom trimmed the tree out front and got a lot done around here. He even sorted through the file box and in it, was a packet of all different colored paper used for origami. I’m using them for letters to Bob and to keep track of when I take the Nicorette.

I got letters from Bob and Kim, but why does Kim keep sending me Bob’s boring letters? I told her she didn’t need to bother, but oh well.

I’m gonna take a popcorn break, then will be back to continue on.

Later…

Oh, the urge to smoke after popcorn is bad! I just popped a piece of the gum and that’ll help, but perhaps I should wait on the popcorn.

I called Ma the other day who wanted to know why she got $200 from AOL added to her phone bill. I guess she’s using an access number that’s not local cuz like she said, she’s supposed to pay a flat-rate fee of $19.95 a month and all she spent was $50 to have someone set up their computer (and Tom could’ve done it for free). Tom sent her a message on what to do.

Speaking of money, we got a line of credit which we’ll probably always have, so if the AC died, or we needed money for whatever, it’s there. Naturally, though, we have to pay it back in payments. Things always take longer than you plan, though, if they happen at all, so I guess the bed’s gonna be delayed for at least two more weeks since it takes 14 days for the guy to process everything. Tom didn’t think it’d take that long.

I guess that wasn’t their dog I heard yesterday that I thought was inside. When I went out earlier, I heard that same dog and thought it was theirs inside their house, but then I heard it, very loud and clear, just over the wall at just about 1-2 feet away. So, this was really some other dog with a similar bark that was at a distance. If there’s anything positive I could say about their dog, it’s that it’s not the problem I thought it’d be. It doesn’t bark as much as I thought it would and I’m sure that the winter won’t be any different. The only difference there’ll be is that at any moment, those two dogs will be at it every other 5 minutes from sunup to sundown.

At around 5:30 I headed over there with water. Remember the cats are in between the two houses, and while I was there, I heard an adult male voice and a female child’s voice and saw a ball head for the hoop, but only once, then it went dead quiet. It could’ve been kids passing by, but I doubt it. I think it was the little girl and the teenage boy.

The kittens, as well as Mama Cat, seem to be warming up to me and I’m bringing them food, milk and water regularly. Tom picked up cat food today. It’ll still be a while, if ever, before I can just walk up and pat any of them.

Naturally, Tom’s running around saying he’s 100% sure I’ll be getting pregnant soon and that my quitting smoking will help ensure this, cuz it’ll make our sex better and more frequent. As I told him, I don’t believe anything till I see it, just like I wouldn’t believe I’d go 3 days without smoking out here in AZ till I did. I don’t believe I’ll go 4 days, either, till I see it. Tom is naturally gonna say anything pleasant to my ears if it’ll help to motivate me to quit and stay that way, although I do feel more positive about it. It makes sense that if God were just waiting for the right time that now’s it, but I still don’t see how my quitting smoking’s gonna change a damn thing in that department. It’s the things that make sense that don’t seem to happen nearly as much as the things that don’t make sense. It’s the senseless things that occur all the time.

I asked Tom how he could still want a kid despite all the shit that goes on in this world and he said that that’s just life. He has a point, but I’m not gonna be worrying about no kid till and if I see it, and I have more important things to worry about right now and that’s that I stay off the cigarettes.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 6, 1997 I don’t know if I can concentrate on writing right now, but I’ll try. The reason I haven’t written in a few days is that I’ve quit smoking. Yes, you heard right, as shocking as it is.

Friday morning, I was really in a bad mood over what happened with Lisa, and I thought I’d help myself to feel better by going to the library, but that day God was in no mood to help me help myself. I ended up feeling worse, as I couldn’t even hear myself think in the library. Whatever happened to the be-quiet-in-libraries policy? You don’t bring a baby to a library. I mean, how rude! You leave your screaming babies at home and have consideration for others. But of course, no one seems to have that these days. Especially in Phoenix.

Anyway, Tom got one other John Saul book I thought he’d like (I can’t believe I got him into my favorite author and that he’s reading another book of his), then we went to Walgreens where we got the Nicorette gum.

I began at 1 PM Friday and made it 29 hours without smoking. Then I relapsed and smoked 7 cigarettes from 5 PM - 11 PM, then quit again. I haven’t had any cigarettes since 11 PM last night, which is almost 34 hours ago.

It’s tough at times. It really is. I still can’t concentrate well and am still having trouble staying focused without getting fidgety, so I’ll write more later.

Later…

OK, let’s see if I can bring myself to write some more now. It’s hard. It’s hard to do much of anything that requires concentration at this time.

Got my period early, as usual. This time, it was a whole 5 days early.

The kittens that Mama Cat had moved are back by the side of the house again. I gave her some tuna and some milk. Tom mentioned getting some dry cat food and letting the kittens decide whether or not they ever want to be our cats. Well, I just went around to the side of the house. I saw Mama Cat run off just as I went out, but when I went over to the side to see the kittens - they didn’t want to see me. They ran and hid in the bricks that are stacked up over there, but I left some more tuna there, anyway. Hopefully, they’ll warm up to me in time.

I couldn’t believe what I just heard while at the side of the house, but to my utter astonishment, it sounded like the dog was inside. Inside the house! It was barking, of course, and I could also hear sprinklers. At 10:30, they gave me a door slam, but last Friday they left at 7 AM, so maybe they don’t work every weekday or maybe their schedule varies, but someone’s gotta be over there. Or else they wouldn’t have sprinklers on and they wouldn’t have the dog inside where it couldn’t get out to do its business.

I wrote Kim and Paula a letter, but even that was a struggle. My mind kept wandering and I’ve been tired, too. After 18 years of having stimulants, the body has to relearn how to make its own energy. If I weren’t hyper to begin with, I’d be even more tired, I’m sure.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 3, 1997 Let me get the good news out of the way before I get into the shitty news.

I got the first package my parents sent yesterday. My favorite thing was this little figurine of cactuses and flowers.

There were also 5 really cute little mini wind chimes. There were two floral ones, a rabbit, a dog, and an angel. They came with suction cups, but since they really do “suck” and don’t stay up, I hung them outside.

There was a windsock and a windsock spinner, which came with good timing. I had to retire my old windsock that got all faded and torn, so I put this new one up on the clothesline. I had a mini windsock that they sent when I was at the Vista, but that was faded and shredded too, so I put the spinner in its place on the patio.

They sent a couple of beach towels, a flag, a little Tupperware jar, pictures of Becky and Sarah, and a mauve-colored lamp. The lampshade got a bit dented up on its way here.

Lastly, they sent a keyboard wristrest. It’s gray, not a pretty color, but it’s nice and soft and velvety. However, I’m having a hard time getting used to it, although I’m sure Tom will like it a lot.

It was great to be able to turn around and send them a message about it right away, rather than have to take notes for my next letter to them.

Ma’s got a couple of computer questions for Tom. She wants a re-dialer for when AOL’s busy and she wants to know of a way to set things up so she doesn’t have to keep typing her password continuously. I know this can be set up so she doesn’t have to do this and I told her I think that the re-dialer is something she has to download from AOL, but that Tom will let her know for sure. He said he went on last night to email them, but AOL crashed, so he’ll do it today. We’ll see about that, but I hope so.

OK, here’s my shitty news and believe me, I’ve never before looked at my sterility as such a gift, rather than a curse.

Lisa was sexually assaulted at school yesterday. At school! Where kids are supposed to be safe. The definition of sexual assault is that she was not penetrated, thank God, but the fact that she was touched is bad enough.

What is it with God harassing and hurting this family when it comes to sexual issues and children? He’s hexed so many of us sexually, he killed my brother’s kid, he’s caused other problems for Tammy’s kids, sterilized me, and now this shit! How can any God inflict so much pain and hatred?! When’s he gonna leave this family the fuck alone?!

Well, like I said, he can sterilize me all he wants. I’m not gonna have a kid just so he can kill it, too. If we had a girl, it’d be sexually assaulted or raped. If we had a boy, it’d do the sexual assaulting and the raping for all I know, among all the other problems they’d have and create and you know me - if I had a daughter that was hurt sexually, I’d kill her attacker and if I had a son that put its hands or dick where it didn’t belong, I’d hack its hands and dick right off its body. Besides, it’s hard to imagine anything coming from me, coming out normal. I mean, with my luck, it’d be born with its left leg where its right arm was supposed to be.

Tammy doesn’t know what’ll happen from here. She said there are a lot of scenarios that could happen from here, but I think she knows like I do that the justice system is a complete flop. A total fuck-up. These animals are incurable, so they won’t be executed or put away for life like they should be. Even if it did any jail time, which I doubt, it’ll just get out and do it again.

Kids aren’t safe at home, they’re not safe at school, they’re not safe from God. It’s sick. It really is and if Tom goes on about birth control when he gets home and I tell him about this, I’m gonna be really pissed even more. He knows I know I’m sterile. You don’t put contraceptives over sterility, and it’d be just like me getting a perm. I’m sure he’ll be even more hesitant about cumming, but fine, let him do what he wants, cuz I know that no matter how much or how little he cums, I’m safe and God can keep this child from me all he wants. I don’t want him to give me a child just so he can hurt or kill it.

This is a little town that this happened in, so I can only imagine what goes on in mid-sized towns and big cities like Phoenix.

Just like Tammy’s told her the bullshit story of how I was supposed to have pulled off a gerbil’s tail when I was little and asked her to tape it back on when Lisa’s GP died to make her feel better. And just like she told her I tried killing myself when she found out she was thinking about it, there’s a chance she may tell Lisa that someone tried raping me in Agawam in the late 80s. I told her that I know she won’t make Lisa feel like it’s her fault and that she won’t push her away when she needs to talk, but that if she wanted to tell her about me and let her know that Lisa could talk to me too, anytime she wanted to, that’s fine.

Later…

As for the pictures of Becky and Sarah - Sarah looked cute, but Becky looked horrible. She looks like a little chipmunk with the way her teeth are, and her hair looked awful, too. It’s short, uneven disarray that looks like a wig someone just plopped on top of her head.

The HS sent me 5 cute holiday cards with animals on them. They’ll probably go to mom and dad, Tammy and her family, Larry and his family, Andy, Bob and Kim.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 2, 1997 Tom took Mom to buy a new vacuum, too, and with it, she got a hand vacuum that she sent home to us. It’s awesome! It’s got a long cord and is way better than the battery ones. The battery ones die so fast and you’ve got to keep it plugged into a charger. This is great for picking up stray bits of sawdust that the animals kick out of their cages.

Later…

Great. Just great. Now I’m 106 lbs. Why has God taken such control over my body? Why won’t he just allow me to lose weight? It used to be that I’d lose weight on days that I didn’t eat much. I used to weigh less when I’d wake up. I shouldn’t be going to bed and waking up at the same weight, so why does he insist I hold this extra weight? Can’t I just get down to 100 lbs.? Will I ever get down there again? Well, obviously not, and obviously he doesn’t want me to for some reason. My body belongs to him. It’s totally in his control.

Andy left me a message yesterday telling me that he was pissed to notice Laura took $20 from him. He talked to the boyfriend about it who told him that she’s done that before and always replaces the money. He said a few days later, she did replace the $20. Once again, and as I told him, this is what he’s gonna get with most people, let alone a druggie, and also, he should be going to his roommate with problems he has with her and not the boyfriend or me first.

Later…

In my written gay journal that I’ve typed here too, along with all the others, the page I’m on now says: The day we stop resisting our instincts, we’ll have learned how to live. What about those who are forced to resist their instincts? Huh? Guess I’ll never learn how to live.

I also got a kick out of the quote that talked about people being under the illusion that gays want sex and straights want love. Everyone wants sex. That’s all the bulk of the population wants, regardless of sexual preference.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking of Andy and I feel really mad and bad for him. Both God and people really have double standards with some people. What’s acceptable of most just isn’t acceptable of all. Leave it to him to not be able to get away with the same types of conversations that the others can get away with, even though he does have a big mouth. And once again, if all good things come to those who wait, and if God wants to see love in this world and wants to help those who help themselves, where’s he been all Andy’s life? Where’s the love and other good things he’s been waiting for?

Andy also told me that some cook teasingly pinches his tit, he doesn’t like it, but he doesn’t go running to file a complaint about it. Yeah, I know what he’s saying. He wouldn’t, but the bulk of the world would, cuz he, like me and a few others in this world, isn’t allowed to get away with doing wrong and we’re not allowed to have the normal everyday things in life. I also don’t believe in running to the courts to solve your problems for the most part, if you can help it. I can see if some company owes you money or something like that and you go to small claims court, but I really would’ve preferred to beat the shit out of them last year than even discuss court with Tom, but I felt obligated to make the promise of not hurting them to him. It meant that much to him, although, if I went to court over the dog or the music, first of all, they’d more than likely do nothing. Second of all, even if they took away their dog and car (if they were still blasting in and out of here), and fined them, they’d just pay the fines and get a new dog and car. And if they didn’t, they’d go get some other source of noise. And also, this would increase the risk of them doing anything to the house, whereas if I kicked their asses, they’d be too scared and embarrassed to even come near this house. Well, nearer than the 3 feet that these psychos already are.

I know what it’s like to be under the submission of fear, pain, and anger, cuz I’ve been attacked before. It’s wrong when it comes to children, but sometimes other adults must put fear and pain into other adults in order to get them to do right and I know firsthand that it works. Back when I was either a child or too much of a damn wimp to fight back, I was either scared or hurt enough to do exactly what I was told to do. Fear and pain will control someone and if you’re mad enough and if you really want to, you can take just about anyone you want to and drive enough pain and fear into them to keep them in line.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1997 Andy left me a message saying it’s been a “long time” since we talked and that he has things to tell me that he doesn’t want to discuss on the machine. So I called him back and said it had only been 4 or 5 days since we talked. He said it had been 6 days. Wow! I told him I liked that, though, cuz it made it more fun to talk when we finally do, but if he could have his way, he’d talk to me for hours just about every day. No thanks. That’s too much for me and that gets boring. Besides, I like to do other things.

His parents still haven’t found him a car and this sexual harassment thing with this guy at work, isn’t over like he thought it was. The guy transferred to another restaurant, but he’s filed a formal complaint within the company. A man from Human Resources came in to interview everyone. Andy said he seemed like a fair man, but that this Spanish interpreter that interviewed some other employee seemed to give him both shocking and disgusting looks.

He said he was pissed off that he couldn’t be a part of all the interviews and know what they were saying, since it’s about him, and he’s worried that pages of the explicit sexual things he’s discussed with others will be written. I told him to let people use their brains and pens to think and write what they want. He knows the truth. Also, these cases are very hard to prove and usually, in most criminal cases, the defendant has more rights than the plaintiff does. They get more protection, freedom and privileges.

I hear him when he says that all the workers there constantly talk about sex, it’s everyone’s favorite subject, the world is full of sluts, I know he was just spilling his sexual life to this guy that spilled his first, and that this guy’s not his type, but it’s an unfair world. I can’t get away with the things most people get away with and it appears that he can’t either. It’s one thing to be yourself, but it’s another to open your mouth in the workplace and get involved in any personal discussions. Like I said, a lot of people can do that with no problem, but some can’t. He’s got to shut up and accept the fact that he can’t get away with the discussions that most people can get away with.

It’s really too bad that he can’t find love so that he’s not so bored and lonely, but then again, he may very well go to work spilling the details of what he did with that love, too. Still, it’d be nice if God allowed him some true love in his life, but he obviously doesn’t care to and won’t be helping him any more than he’d ever help me with my dreams. Why God feels such a need to control us, beats me. Why would any God want to deny the things that all people should have to anyone? Things like love and children that especially the good and deserving people should have.

I finished proofreading the Vista file and have 40 journals left to go. Some are short and some are long.

My weight’s still holding at 104 lbs. I don’t know if I’ll ever lose anymore. I could if I were willing to either starve myself or work out for hours a day, but I’m just too lazy to do either of these things.

Unfortunately, Tom proved that he does hold out and lie about things. He held out on telling me after I commented on how cruel it was to leave a dog outside 24/7, that when he was working on the roof, he saw her come out and take the dog inside (probably only cuz they saw him on the roof and were afraid he might shoot the fucking thing). He said he held out on telling me this cuz I seem to get angry when he mentions them. Well, he has a point, cuz I can’t stand these people, but what else has he held out on? If I was asleep and he was to hear their music, would he tell me? Or would he cover for them for fear of me harming them? Or did he make up seeing her take the dog inside for the simple sake of loving to argue/disagree with me?

On the second day that I was really tight, he offered to switch back to the cooler, but I told him I’d be fine when I gave this place a thorough cleaning. Then, he said that he’d like to switch back for him. Now, I can see that he saw that I felt guilty about the idea of costing too much money and that he wanted to do what he thought was best to make me feel better, but he’s told me that if he lived here himself, he’d never use the AC and I believe that. So see? He would lie to get his way.

[chidoroki]

Hello! I found your Jigokuraku review through the tags and I read it almost every weeks. I thought you already read the manga because you're not judgemental, like other anime-onlys I found on internet who love to criticize Jigokuraku for simply little things (that was very nice of you! ). Please please I suggest you to read the manga. The things are getting more serious and waiting for season two seems like forever. Like don't you want to know how Gabimaru finally get his memory back? How the whole team finally manage to use Tao (spoiler : thanks to Shion, they don't need to do that filthy bochu jutsu method lol)? What are the role of the new Asaemons? Then, is Gabimaru's wife apparently only an illusion or otherwise she's really exist? Finally, how the Tensens defeated and who are the survivors of this mission? And many other. I could say Jigokuraku is one of the manga with very good ending. There are more blood spilled through the process but it worth to read! (I'm gonna miss your review tho). Thanks!

Aw! Well thank you! I find it hard for me to be critical of a series when I really enjoy the characters and story, especially whenever I start something new since I have no prior knowledge of it whatsoever. (it’s a combination of all that and how nothing can ever disappoint me more than TPN s2 did.)

I guess the common complaint I’ve heard about the most from others is how the animation for Hell’s Paradise was a bit lacking? Coming from MAPPA, I believe people were already set to compare it to AOT, Vinland Sage, JJK & Chainsaw Man, so when this series didn’t “wow” them enough with the typical dynamic action and stunning visuals they normally see from this studio, they started to feel indifferent towards Hell’s Paradise. I understand their disappointment but also realize that Vinland S2 was airing at the same time and AOT & JJK also have upcoming seasons this year, so the studio is kinda stretched thin. I can’t really blame them for putting more effort into those big names rather than a new series. Of course I would’ve loved if Hell’s Paradise lived up to the hype as other MAPPA anime, but I personally had no issues with the animation this series did have, as it was consistent the whole way through. I actually compared it to Dororo more than anything else in terms of both style and story, so I wasn’t disappointed at all by it.

Anyways, my rambling aside.. of course I’m planning to read the manga at some point. It’s just a matter of when (and if I remember). As I said in that last review, the final episode didn’t leave off on a terrible cliffhanger (or I didn’t see it that way at least), so I'm not going completely insane wondering about what happens next, but I am still mildly curious. I can imagine how some of the issues might be handled at this point, like how Sagiri is most likely gonna play a huge part in how Gabimaru gets his memories back since she knows him best outta everyone else currently on the island, especially when it comes to remembering his wife. With the whole team learning more about tao, I can bet that Shion will explain how just simple physical contact with others helps to improve one’s tao, since we already saw how Nurugai’s hugs helped Sagiri restore her strength a little. And I have no doubt the new asaemon are gonna cause trouble just from the glare that Shugen dude showed at the very end.

About Gabimaru’s wife being real or an illusion.. I sorta kinda know her name already from seeing other people’s tags, so I’m fairly certain she exists. Hopefully. I’ve also spoiled myself on some of the characters who might survive til the end (only because I can not handle another heartbreak like I did with Tenza!) but I steered clear of practically everything else though when it comes to the fights, the tensen and overall story.

I’ll continue the reviews whenever the anime decides to continue and hopefully I won’t nitpick all the differences between anime vs manga too much if I do decide to read beforehand.

Thank you for the ask and I hope you have a lovely rest of your day/night!!

[autumn-falls1614]

I’m honestly very disappointed in myself right now

I’m rewatching The Seven Deadly Sins, I haven’t watched since the first season and was reminded of it the other day

I knew that Meliodas, the dragon sin of wrath

Is voiced by Bryce Papenbrook who as we all know voices Adrien in the english dub

So that one didn’t bother me, however i was very slightly bothered on the voice of Ban, the fox sin of greed

Who is voiced by Benjamin Diskin, who incase you didn’t know voices Nino and Max

This is one that like shocked me and then i thought about it and it was very much a huge duh moment

AND ANOTHER ONE is Guila, an apprentice holy knight, now when i first started watching this at the very beginning her voice actress really bothered me, I couldn’t place who she was at all

She is voiced by Carrie Keranen who, get this, voices Alya

Again, another huge duh moment on my behalf, but then i did some more digging, i was curious now

So like i said i did more digging and King, the grizzly sin of sloth

Is voiced by Max Mittelman, who voices PLAGG

This, little cutie patootie god of descruction snuck his way in and I didn’t even notice! His voice was familiar as King but not enough to warrant digging BUT HE’S PLAGG (at this point i’m feeling ashamed in myself that i didn’t realise some of these)

So again, i did even MORE digging, just cause I’m curious now and Hawk

The talking pig, Captain of the order of the scraps, our beloved pig

Is voiced by none other than Cristina Valenzuela.

Who, if you don’t know, voices our main girl

MARINETTE DUPAIN-CHENG

I’m gonna give myself a bit of a break with this one because she doesn’t actually sound that much like Marinette until you know its her then there’s moment like when she ahhhs, if you know what i mean.

But yeah, The Seven Deadly Sins decided to recruit half of the Ladybug cast and i’m a disgrace and couldn’t place any of them, if you got this far thanks for reading!😂😂

This could just be common knowledge to a lot of people as well and i’m just late to the game and a bit of an idiot 😂

[devildomwriter]

Obey Me As Tumblr #14

Leviathan: I got a headache

Leviathan: Google says I’m gonna die

Simeon: Why is google sending you death threats for having a headache

•

Solomon: Shower thoughts: if 666 is evil, then 25.806975801127 is the root of all evil

Leviathan: Do you have a fucking calculator in your shower?

•

Mephistopheles: Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd today and I just have to say I’m disappointed.

•

Mammon: I hate public bathrooms for all the obvious reasons but also because one time somebody in the next stall silently reached over and untied my shoe

•

MC: In an emergency a crayon will burn for thirty minutes

Mammon: How long will it burn if it isn’t an emergency?????????

Belphegor: #what does the crayon define as an energy

Lucifer: I would guess that being on FUCKING FIRE is what a crayon would consider an emergency

•

Asmodeus: Lightning McQueen is a twink

Simeon: Common misconception he’s actually a car

•

Mammon: *Walks in kitchen at 2 AM*

…wow okay…I need to be quite…

TRIPS OVER CHAIR, BREAKS LEG, CATCHES HOUSE ON FIRE

Barbatos: who brushes their teeth in the kitchen?

Mammon: What

•

Diavolo: But why would we ever remove the wises of our teeth

•

Solomon: Balloons are so weird… “happy birthday here’s a plastic sack of my breath”

•

Leviathan: My body may be at work right now but my soul is stuck in the wii Sports universe

Diavolo: Which game

Leviathan: Bowling

•

Leviathan:

Me at my second rodeo

Me: this ain’t my first rodeo

•

Leviathan: When did lmao become short hand for “I’m fucking suffering”

Simeon: Lamenting my anguish online

•

Mammon: All our generation wants is a small house and a spouse that loves them back

Leviathan: I also want a sword

•

MC: One day I hope I am the girl that walks into a room and all eyes are on her

Mammon: The trick is to get a really big hat and then scream

•

Mammon: Name on fragrance commercial that has ever made sense

Asmodeus: What are you talking about they all make scents

Mammon: Shut the fuck up

•

Leviathan: I just got arrested for being too ugly

Leviathan: Can someone come bail me out

MC: On my way!

MC: Can someone come bail me out

•

Raphael: The breakfast club isn’t even about breakfast

Beelzebub: You could have at least said spoiler alert

•

Solomon: My roommate is two days younger than me so I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age” and describing what I did two days ago

•

Satan: Am I the only one that finds it weird that I can transfer data from my brain to someone else by opening my mouth and pushing air with vibrations in their direction

Lucifer: How high are you?

Satan: 5’11”

•

Belphegor: If you put a science book under your pillow when you sleep you’ll gain the knowledge through osmosis

Satan: NO OSMOSIS IS FOR WATER!! KNOWLEDGE AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS TRANSFERRED THROUGH DIFFUSION!

Belphegor: I can see you slept with your science book last night

Last • Next

[legendofzoodles]

More LU thoughts:

Duels

There’s a part in my fic Smoke Signal where in order to discourage Wild from leaving the group alone Time challenges him to a duel. I didn’t really explain the concept further other than it being a big deal that Time was issuing one and that there was no way Wild was going to agree to it. So, I’m gonna dive into it more here:

The concept of duelling would at first only be familiar to the trained knights and sailor. Btw, a duel in this case is a one on one fight where both opponents use the same agreed upon weapon, rapiers and broadswords are the most common. Conditions are set and the winner/loser has to follow through on whatever those terms are. 

Warriors would be the most knowledgeable, with it being an established custom within and outside the army. As a Captain, he may have overseen such fights between his men whenever they disagreed over something. Regarding duels outside the army, these would be a thing within the upper class where nobles would issue such challenges to protect their honour or over Lady. Since Warriors is popular amongst women I’d imagine that many a jealous nobleman challenged him due to this. 

Wild would have a vague memory of this tradition, he may have participated in some in the past- back when he took it extremely seriously. Now however, since the army was crippled during the past 100 years it isn’t really a thing anymore, so it’s seen as outdated. Even though he doesn’t inherently take them seriously, if someone he respects/fears challenges him he won’t even think about joking around. 

In Skyloft duels are part of rising the ranks. They aren’t fought to settle disputes or for honour, they’re just used to grade performances and your progression in training. Any sort of fighting outside of training is very rare and generally frowned upon. 

Wind would’ve gotten introduced to it after spending time on Tetra’s ship. It’s the best way to maintain order as well as for the crewmates to let of steam after days of uneventful sailing. He also doesn’t take them too seriously since pirates don’t follow any sort of fancy rules and will fight dirty if it means securing a win:

Wind: Then he used that moment of weakness to break his nose!

Hyrule: Over a missing pair of boots?!

Wind: [shrugging] Eh, he was fine after a couple of potions.

Warriors: [overhearing] That just sounds like a drunken brawl, not a duel.

Wind: All’s fair at sea my friend. 

Warriors: Would you fight that dishonourably if I challenged you?

Wind:

Wind: Depends.

Warriors: [disappointed mentor noises]

Time, Twilight and Legend would be vaguely familiar with the concept, both having some experience dealing with the Hyrulean Knights in their eras. They’re both sort of on the outside looking in, so while they respect the custom unlike Wild they also don’t have any personal stakes in them. So, they’ll generally accept any challenges, but won’t issue them since it doesn’t mean that much to them.

Hyrule and Four however would be clueless. They’d have zero frame of reference for how these things work, and where Four wouldn’t be all that interested Hyrule would. Warriors would teach him all the rules and conditions, possibly trying to get Wild to pay attention too. 

The chain would have proper duels once everyone’s gotten an understanding of the rules. Mostly when sparring got boring or very rarely to solve a serious disagreement, like in Smoke Signal. Though most of the time it would be over the pettiest of disputes:

Legend: Who ate my leftovers?!

Wild: I did.

Legend: [drawing sword] En guarde glutton!

Wild: [drawing sword] Come at me quitter!

~~~

Thanks for reading!

Masterlist

9th place in the LU character design ranking

Character analysis posts:

Hero of the Sky, Hero of Time, Hero of Twilight, Hero of the Wild, Hero of Warriors

Parkour team - LU drabble

How each member of the chain laughs - LU headcanon