#I’m glad I feel better though
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I was feeling extremely suicidal today, like the worst I have in maybe four or five years now, and I was deliberating over whether I should go to the hospital like pretty much all day and now that I feel better I realise that the moment I started drafting my suicide note in my head was probably when I should’ve decided that 😭
#it’s so hard to think logically in the moment though; and I didn’t want to worry my dad or my partner#even though me killing myself would hurt them more obviously lol#I’m glad I feel better though#finally at like 5pm after doing all the chores and getting dressed and making meals and napping and going outside and exercising and calling#people and watching my favourite things#and none of it made even the slightest difference#(and I was drafting my suicide note)#I was like alright I need to do something about this because I’m gonna get exhausted and lose the fight pretty soon#which is always how my suicidality has been#I’ve never made a plan I’ve just come very very close to being worn down by the constant obsession and just giving in#which is hard to explain to ER nurses!#anyway. as soon as I decided that it instantly was like a cloud went away so that was weird as hell and I still don’t get it but at least I#don’t want to die as much anymore!#I’m seriously good now; like just normal sad and tired#but it does scare me that it took me so long to decide to go to the hospital#cause that was really cutting it close for a while there 😬#I don’t trust myself to get it right the next time. but hopefully I’ll remember this and just go#anne speaks#now I’m just dying over how hilarious it was that I was literally drafting my suicide note and still was like hmm I wouldn’t want to worry#my partner so I don’t think it’s wise to go to the hospital.#like girl?? what???#suicidality tw#tw suicidality#suicide mention#suicide tw#tw suicide#all the trigger tags cause this post is pretty graphic lol#but anyway I’m totally safe now#wouldn’t want anyone to worry if you’re the type to worry about this#:-)
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dear callie i’m not sure i agree with the oxley-bom podcast’s verdict that pecco was more to blame on the alex/pecco incident (tho they ultimately called it a racing incident) and the english, french and turkish commentaries all put most of the blame on alex during the broadcasts (they’re the only three i could understand). what are your views, if you’d like to share? if not no worries tho
(ps. love the scholarship)
i’m gonna be real i think the oxley bom guys lowkey hate pecco in a way that confuses even them and it makes me laughhhhhh
#as for who is at fault. well if i wanted to make a statement about it i simply would#glad everyone is okay though i was pretty distressed watching it happen ‼️#motogp#callie speaks#asks#i also don’t feel like i have enough of a head for the technical side of the sport to weigh in + racers/journos had some diverging opinions#so i don’t think it’s the most cut and dry incident#and like once everyone is confirmed okay and no one was being insane or malicious#i’m more interested in it in terms of narrative for the season#like if pecco loses this championship because he was trying to get a marquez brother to cede ground and DNFed TWICE ?#girl maybe have a better psychological profile of your opponent…#idk. thinkin.
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anyways now that 12 hours and passed and I’ve slept, a little bit better of a summary: (also I think I’m gonna start referring to her as Princess when I talk about her on here cause her some of her old url’s have had princess in it and it’s one of the pet names I use most often for her)
I did end up getting to see her !! She drove down like she said she would and met me in a parking lot next to the beach. She drove us out for some food and took my In-N-Out virginity and it was fun! We then went back and ended up hanging out on the beach for the rest of the time until we walked back to her car and delayed saying goodbye until she had to leave 💔. Short and sweet visit! Umm nothing really happened we didn’t get kiss we didn’t go back go back to my hotel room or anything hands never ended up between any legs ! But it was still really fun, she was really adorable IRL and had such a playful personality. We flirted a lot and I definitely teased too much! Ended up with my thumb in her mouth at one point and *might* have gently tugged on her hair at one point when she was bein bratty so there was definitely some fun tension between us 🥰 All in all I’m really happy I saw her ! She says she’d love to see me again so hopefully that’ll happen I just don’t know when
#unimportant thoughts#should I start a tag for her as well?#i could just use her last url or something#I don’t know trying to be more open and less secretive on here!#i had a good time though 🫶🏻#she told me after it was very hard to try and behave and stick to her rules and not go to my hotel room with me#which obviously is v cute and makes me feel better about how much i was teasin and pursuin her#but I’m glad she stood by her convictions and kept her boundaries !#don’t want to make decisions either of us will regret#GODDD did I want her though#one day!#im not sure where we’ll go from here (probably nowhere and just remain these flirty more-than-friends that we already are)#but im happy i got to see her at least and i cant complain if nothing else ever happens 🫶🏻#pinkypprincess
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redraw of an old pic from maybey like 6 yrs ago (under the cut)
💀💀💀💀 wellllll um 15- year-old me was very proud of this and that’s what counts right
#my little pony#mlp friendship is magic#art#mlp humanized#hmm not sure where my nostalgia for this show has been coming from recently#i had fun with this though#i’m in a weird spot where i’m shocked how much i advanced without noticing and disappointed that i didn’t change more#i stagnated for a long time and i’m glad to have like. physical proof that i improved somewhere#but on the other end it just feels like i should be better than this at the age i’m at#i’m just not a studies kind of person but Well those are kind of essential aren’t they#we will see
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getting an iced pumpkin chai in the morning and then my personal goal is to spend the whole day writing and i hope i can come back to this post tomorrow and rb w how much progress i’ve made!!!
#i have a love/hate relationship w this fic and i’m gonna rant to myself bc hehe it’s almost midnight so why not :>#okay SO. i for some reason just didn’t create any proper outline for this story and i think that’s why it’s taken me so long to write it#because i don’t necessarily have a why/a REASON for this story or plot… like even thinking abt doing the dialogue and trying to find flow +#cohesion is making me so 😐 and also honestly… i’m terrible at doing drafts in the first place#i don’t write linearly i jump all over the place while writing and SOMETIMES i can connect things but this time i could NOT#and i would focus on one tiny part for SO long and make no progress anywhere else like GIRL……… ENOUGH#but hmmmm yeah i also for some reason feel like esp w my writing it’s super robotic and doesn’t have emotion#like i’m not writing w suguru’s voice and instead i’m writing as the author and it’s kinda irking me#if that makes sense… hmmmm……….. also i might be doing dual pov so hopefully it doesn’t look too wonky#but yeah 😭 i need to work on scene setting & describing things effectively + doing show not tell#like i just made a mini outline rn and wow . it’s Not it at all 😭😭😭 there’s no WHY to the story and it’s making it hard to write#okay not necessarily a ‘why’ but like . What’s The Point of the story#sigh. i need to figure that out#also there’s so much stuff i want to add but i feel like it’ll be clunky + it’ll move fast or be weird#but my goal for tomorrow is truly and honestly write the meat and bones of it and then i can edit ruthlessly later on#i was thinking of getting it out this week but i forgot election week/don’t have anything really written either 😭#but hopefully next week if i try hard enough! the goal is before december bc i want this to be a november fic#but yeah that’s my mini vent @ me i’m glad to just talk abt in the tags#feels like for this story specifically it’s been a lot of looking at my docs instead of writing which is WHACK 🤨#also i don’t like my writing style + i want to write better in GENERAL#that’ll come w practice & doing it often though 😭#ALSO . SIDENOTE but why does tumblr not let me link things anymore like NDNDNDND SO STUPID#OOOOH AND . i need to start/finish selfship moodboards & also create wip lists for geto/gojo/toji but for REAL#as in wipe i’ll actually plan to write next not just ones i like the sound of 😭#ANYWAYS I’M SO SLEEBY……… honk shoo mimimi cult leader geto please pat my head to sleep and be kind to me#GIRL THIS IS LONG AS HELL OMFG . silence @ me 🤫 what a YAPPER#personal
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After going through the stages of grief about 100 times in the last few days, I've hit the acceptance stage finally and I'm content on accepting the fact that this is where hayrays story is going. I just want the reveal to happen so that we can get to the good angsty drama. I know we are going to get some good tension, and even better angst than the first time, because at least this time hayray were actually dating before any of this.
I think it was yesterday that the acceptance really hit me. I still go through little periods where I get really annoyed about it, but overall, surprisingly, I’m really excited to see how this story pans out?
It sounds so strange because of course I don’t want this for them, and watching Lucas have his heart broken is going to be very hard. But a crazy storyline like this means tension and angst and pining and most importantly, lots of screen time! I’m really looking forward to seeing what Nate and Oscar do with these scenes. We have a long road ahead of us but I’m feeling optimistic about it. I’m sure the good angsty drama will be worth all this pain.
#replies#I’m glad you’re feeling better about it too anon#it’s been hard processing this these last 5 or 6 days#overall though I’m glad to have reached this point before tomorrows episode#because I know there are still people skeptical about the reveal and I feel kinda bad for them bc their anxiety and hurt over this#is just getting dragged out
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i’m gonna be seeing the dreamies so soon.. i’m so excited (⌒▽⌒)☆
#nct dream#nct mark#nct jeno#nct chenle#nct jaemin#nct renjun#nct jisung#nct haechan#attie stuffies ->#i wish renjun was performing though.. still his health has priority over everything and i’m just glad he’s feeling better now#i love da neos i’m in this nct shit for life..
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Okay I’m happy it happened but I also think it was poor writing to do it so..soon? The way it was done was just so…anticlimactic.
Like it made me emotional but looking back I feel like it would have had more impact if they did it later and in the meantime actually you know made other characters mourn besides one. Really cement the loss, make everyone feel it and then yay surprise
#wow blogging#fakeout deaths are fun when done right#this definitely wasn’t..the best one I’ve ever seen#mostly because of the lack of emotional impact on other characters and the story#also think it would have been more interesting to make it an ongoing questline where you have to work to get him back#idk I just have so many ideas on how I think they could have done it better but hey at least they did it at all#so I’m thankful for that#*shrug* if this is the best they can do I’ll take it#but I feel like it could have been a much more emotional journey#tldr I’m glad he’s back but I think the writing is also really weak here#maybe it’s bc his VA wants to step back a little#makes sense he’s like 70 something#it did make me emotional though and it was sweet so it wasn’t all bad#it just could have been..more
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Fun fact: When you constantly hate on female, queer, and POC characters because you're just a fucking loser shitting your pants over a white man not being the real hero, no one gives a crap about you pretending it's the other folks who are bigoted.
you want me so bad it makes you look stupid
#rwde#the way the post I just made fucking called it SHQJWKSNSHSH#I’m literally cooking pancakes and you’re asking for waffles. You cuntsucking bitch get off my blog#“Hate on” awwww sorry for hurting the fictional pixels you kin’s feelings. I’ll be better. Hey Blake your hair looks great lemme—#whisper into my monitor Real Quick#And whose the white man in particular? Your crowd sure uses that terminology a lot#I’m glad you at least read my post though. Fun fact: compliment! Don’t take it too far though you’re still fucking stupid#You think I’m pretending about anything? Did I pretend about RT being racist? Transphobic? Did I? Did I nonnie genuinely?#I hope your fucking show gets cancelled and all the people who have been hurt making it get better jobs.#Shrimple as that. Now get the fuck off my blog.
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Well, I’m still glad that Gojo was always a character who was growing and learning at least. He’s literally one of my favorite characters of all time now. Like, he’s never been as perfect as how the fans would make him out to be despite canonically being viewed as an absolute nuisance to everyone around him (I don’t think his peers necessarily hate him but a lot of them probably hate to see him coming and the ones who’ve dealt with him long enough to consider him a friend, tolerate him and groan whenever he opens his mouth, too 😭… out of love. He’s extremely childish so there is only sm the other adults around him can take and to an extent, his students. I think the only characters in canon who adore him and their eye’s sparkle whenever he’s around, and being a silly teacher was Yuuji and Miwa (she asked him for his autograph (he’s the most famous sorcerer in the jjk world) and when she was alone, she did a little dance in the empty hallway 🥺…) from what we’ve seen even though the others still care about him, too. They just find him rather annoying, which he most definitely is. And he does it on purpose. He plays too much.)
#I’m also not usually one to get annoyed whenever ppl shit on the things I like#like I’m an adult sorry idc 😵💫#but it’s always annoying seeing ppl who know nothing about the story complaining about it#even just as recently with the Gojo being racist shit 😭..#like he’s a really great character despite all of that and even though Gege’s#execution of that could’ve been better or didn’t need to happen at all#because idk what gege was doing even though I do strongly believe that he used a moment like this to showcase Gojo’s ignorance and#that how he’s also human and makes mistakes since if you’re familiar with the series Gojo isn’t really treated like person at all#more like a deity and he doesn’t like that#but he’s never been one to voice his personal feelings and talk about his trauma ever#he gets treated like a god and because of this he’s never felt like he could truly connect with other people#so that’s why he puts on that whole act of being overly friendly/ playing with others and even rude to shut others out because of his#aversion to opening his traumatized self To other ppl like he’s so cool#and when he’s friendly he gives the others just enough of his affection so that he wouldn’t be worried about and not have others pry#but he’s incredibly flawed as well#I feel like gege could’ve showed Gojo being ‘humbled’ some other kind of way over the racism tho 😭. But it’s fine lmfao#I’m still so grateful that he had Gojo actually apologize instead of waving Miguel off like he didn’t matter because like I’ve said before#he literally never apologizes (this is probably the first time that I’ve ever seen gojo apologize to anyone in canon I’m so serious 🗿)#that’s literally not part of him#like he feels regret but he never apologies or shows that he actually cares about what others are expressing to him when they’re upset with#him. like this is crazy. but it shows that he did care about the mistake that he made which I appreciate…. like idk how I would’ve felt#about his character if he showed that he could care less when hurting someone like this🗿…..#I adore him so much sorry sorry for taking about anime I’m just 😭…. ❤️❤️❤️#rambling#I’m glad that everyone is fucking with Miguel now because he is a really interesting character even though we haven’t seen much of him#he’s one of the few ppl who Gojo trusted enough to look after someone who he cared about despite the horrors#because he knew that Miguel would protect yuuta and do right by him#it’s very 😭❤️…
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Male Imperial Agent has a new voice actor.
Bertie Carvel has stepped down from voicing the Male Imperial Agent, with Wilf Scolding taking his place from 7.5 and onwards.
#swtor#i don’t play male imp agent myself so i can’t speak for myself#but i’ve heard people are unsurprisingly struggling with the change#though i feel like this would have been worthy of like. an official post on twitter or something.#at first people were thinking it was AI so i’m glad that wasn’t the case lol#i’m sure it will get better with time?
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This may be a good and normal thing but I have absolutely zero regrets about having purchased the laptop last night. Like all day yesterday and even as I was buying I was going oh god should I should I not but now I’m not even having second thoughts about the huge display lmao
#SO FUCKING GLAD that I actually did some extra research rather than just going meh the one I looked at before is probably better#I think it was a SIGN that I got paid a little early for the month’s work and then like the day after the laptop I bought went on sale#(Didn’t actually pay immediately so I didn’t USE any of that money but that is besides the point)#Only with the reservation of man… it’s big… and heavy… and REALLY huge and that’s bad…#I HAD deep down been going ‘man if only there was a bigger laptop with the same specs as the one I wanna buy’#And then!!! This baby pops up!! With a big display and BETTER specs!!!!!!!!#Cannot begin to express my excitement at playing Real People Games like that hasn’t even been a POSSIBILITY#Stray is at the top of my list right next to ranch of rivershine#And also probably Elden Ring that shit looks NEAT#(Also yes there is a catch and a reason this one is cheaper even though it’s better! The one I was planning on getting had an OLED display#This one’s just a normal good old LCD display. But in all honesty that is ABSOLUTELY a sacrifice I’m willing to make lol)#z talks#not horse game#Also the fact it’s not currently in stock so I’ll be waiting almost 3 weeks for it also very much feels like a good thing#Like. I have a Date on which I can expect to Receive It. And that means I have a very set time frame for the stuff I want to do to prepare#(mainly organise my cloud storage to make sure everything’s where it should be)#(but that’s a bigger problem than it might sound like because I have a LOT of files)
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always get so pleasantly surprised when people really like my stuff i post :) love you all. whether you celebrate something or not around this time i wish you all the best <3
#i always first and foremost post for me if not otherwise stated on the post itself#and that is what i always have done and aspire to continue. but#it makes me happy to see so many likeminded people around me#sorry. i am getting sappy and emotional; today has been draining for reasons i do not know#i am very tired and it is late for me so i will try sleeping soon#i am glad to have found such a nice and large fandom in sonic. it has allowed me to try and be more approachable and friendly while still#being myself at my core interactions. this year has been strange and new and exciting so i figured i might as well try#and make some more friends. which i have; i am happy to say :’) i have always had a hard time socializing. and to find people willing#to understand the things i say even though it’s worded weirdly#and i’m happy so many can enjoy the art i post <3 it means a lot to me#especially when i feel as if i don’t do enough. i like many others have some. issues regarding worth and content but i am trying my best#and. am getting better at it 👍 i think i might be getting sick ergo the sappiness and long tags#but i don’t regret the things i say. i love you all followers mutual ppl i follow#there is so much space in my heart and i am not afraid to admit that i get attached easily and do not know where friendships begin.#but i. am willing to try and find out! if the gods are willing; hopefully a good new year for us all next week! and more commmunity and love#i hope you understand what i am trying to convey. ive been scared of being this open but if i am not then i will never know living#and loving <3 will still be posting obvs i am simply joyous rn! gonna sleep now :3
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#anyway the most exciting conversation I had today was explaining how I managed to fuck up the dog’s haircut#(he’s squirmy that’s it that’s the reason)#moving on though the main issue is I still need like. the crutch of being online almost#and I guess even though it feels awkward and lowkey uncool I’m glad there are apps for people just looking to find friends#downside is I can forget they’re there bc the notifs don’t work great#or I panic because I’m too hyper aware of myself with new people. why can’t this be easy what’s wrong with me#I get embarrassed by how much longer my replies are than the other person’s#I can’t help it I guess#if it’s short I feel like it’s coming off inauthentic so I overcorrect#but then conversation kinda fizzles anyway. which is okay! not everyone will be a winner and that’s fine#I know this and it makes me feel slightly better#still I just feel like. dumb I guess. in all these interactions.#that’s the word. because I’m perfectly comfortable with myself until I feel like i start to notice That Change in someoneone#anyone else who gets told they give off Uncanny Valley energy knows what this is.#like I can tell I did something wrong but on paper I did everything right#and I just kinda fold every time. bc there’s usually no salvaging a conversation past that point.#it’s Not that it’s easier to be alone bc I’m not having a good time clearly but something drives me to keep going despite it all#idk it’s stupid I wish I could just cut this feeling out and detach completely#I know it wouldn’t bother me to be pushed slowly away at least.#I’d really be the person who solved the lament configuration just to Hang Out lmao#I wish I didn’t make posts like these here btw.#that also makes me feel dumb but it’s like if I don’t at least put this down somewhere it’d be worse#I think tomorrow I’ll clean a bit. it’ll be something to do that has a visible result.#not like anything else that’s going on lol
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is it silly that i genuinely think learning to do my makeup is one of the best things i’ve ever done?
tags for an explanation-
#to preface this- obviously i don’t think that anyone should EVER feel like they have to wear makeup to look presentable#not wearing makeup is normal and there is no bare minimum for makeup products anyone should be required to wear#but in the past year i’ve started to learn how to properly do my makeup#and honestly? it’s one of the greatest skills i’ve learned#it’s really therapeutic (despite the wild strings of cursing that comes from doing eyeliner)#the brushes and stuff have such a nice texture on my face and in my hands- it automatically calms me down#i love the packaging of all the products (i feel like a crow whenever i’m shopping for new ones bc i love the pretty bottles and tubes)#it’s honestly just fun to do as well- like using highlighter on the tip of my nose? that shit gives me so much serotonin holyyyyy#and i get to feel extra pretty for a little bit after i first put it on which is always a bonus!!#my hands have gotten steadier (though they’re still kinda wobbly it’s manageable)#there is no feeling better than getting an eyeliner wing perfect first try#plus i get to have glitter on my face?! HELL YEAH!!!!#i dunno just. i’m glad i taught myself cause it makes me really happy#fuck the beauty industry though. there’s so much bullshit there#FUCK anyone and anything that preys on and creates insecurities to sell products. it’s BULL. SHIT.
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Some Tali scribbles I did trying to refigure out her design since it’s been ages since I’ve last properly drawn her and I need to make her a new ref. I was expecting figuring out her face shape to be harder how was I struggling with this so much before wtf
#keese draws#oc posting#eternal gales#not doing all the usual tags on this lol#idk if I’ll get to making her new ref tonight but I’m feeling a lot better abt making it now#I was actually kind of upset earlier abt how much I’ve been struggling to draw a lot of the eternal gales kids so I’m glad#I’m still struggling with aris and Snek though which is legit making me kinda upset still. :(#these guys are my pride and joy I designed them god damnit why did I forget how to draw them#it’s ok I’ll figure it out but stillllllll
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