#I’m autistic! I work so hard to figure out why other people are doing things! i can’t do it more than I already am

[schaettchen]

Communications class: here’s how perceptions tend to be biased and here’s the fundamental attribution error! Explain how you’re going to improve your relationship with [specific person I chose at the start] by improving your perception skills!

Me: I do all those things. I’ve heard of the fundamental attribution error. If [person] explicitly told me he doesn’t care why I’m doing things, just whether I inconvenience him, I don’t see how improving my perception skills will fix this.

I could just make shit up. But I’m too frustrated with him to pretend this issue is on my end.

[imsosleepyofyourbull]

I firmly believe that Kabru is autistic but masks so hard that he’s convinced himself and (almost) everyone around him that he’s neurotypical.

That man’s special interest is people and how they work, but he just thinks it’s him Being So Good At Socializing — like he doesn’t spend 95% of his time people watching and adjusting his personality in response to the traits he witnesses and obsessing over the intricacies of human interaction while mapping an ever growing relationship chart in his head. For fun. He even admits it in the manga!

Like, look at him!!!

It’s such a shame that — because he’s the narrative foil to Laios and his interest is generally considered more “socially acceptable” in both their world and our own — more people don’t realize this about him. He’s constantly misinterpreted as a horribly manipulative person who only acts the way he does to use the people around him, when that’s explicitly shown to not be the case at all. Kabru is naturally empathetic and is almost always thinking about other people, regardless of whether or not they’re right there with him or a thousand miles away.

I mean, his most defining motivation is his desire to do everything he can to avoid another tragedy like the one at Utaya. Someone who doesn’t care wouldn’t have a goal like that, and they most certainly wouldn’t go about it the way he does. He’s constantly working to help people who can help everyone else and tries so hard to make sure that anyone who seems like a threat is actually someone he needs to worry about before doing anything about it. His supposed aversion to Laios is only because of the ridiculous trolley problem he’s set up in his own head.

Outside of that, he (rather justifiably) hates monsters but is desperate to understand Laios’ love for them and his apparently most selfish goal in getting close to the guy was literally just to become friends with him.

When he’s interacting with the canaries and they imply that they’re going to take him and all of his friends to the West, his first thought is of Rin and how much she’d hate to be stuck in the place that gave her so many bad memories.

He helps Kuro learn Common when Mickbell is asleep and firmly looks forward to the day that the half-foot and Kuro can communicate properly so that their relationship can get properly started without any miscommunication.

And he understands Mithrun with only a handful of weeks AT BEST interacting with him, getting enraged when the elf seems to give up and immediately trying to help him find a new motivation for life.

I’m excited just thinking about the day that Kabru starts unmasking more and more around his friends — both new and old — because if being with my current friend group has taught me anything, it’s that hanging out with anyone so unabashedly themselves is bound to make you more comfortable with yourself too. It’s part of the reason why I like Labru so much! There’s something nice about imagining them hanging out in the throne room or laying in the grass outside and talking for hours on end about their special interests. They might not strictly understand what the other finds so fascinating about monsters or people, but they can grasp that shared feeling of love.

They probably influence each other in really good ways too, with Kabru helping Laios figure out what people are thinking even when it doesn’t make sense or Laios helping Kabru understand that not everyone and everything needs to be analyzed a thousand times over. They both get to learn that there are people like them and people who will love them without them ever having to change a thing about themselves. They deserve to know that they’re fine the way they are.

[hillbillyoracle]

How to Have Better Conversations

I’m writing this at the request of my partner. She shared she’s really been struggling with making conversation more than usual lately. I shared some thoughts on how I navigate conversations she found useful and asked if I’d be willing to make a resource or write more about it. This is not meant to be a definitive expert guide, it’s built from my observations and experiences as someone who is autistic and has to navigate a lot of social situations completely manually. This is how I break down the individual components of conversation.

When I spelled this all out, one of her takeaways was that conversations actually involve a lot of microdecisions and that’s why they can be so tiring. And I think that’s totally correct. But I think it’s also why some people can thrive with them because it’s actually a lot of difficult decisions that are tricky to pull off well so when you can and do, there’s a real sense of accomplishment that can make talking more appealing.

I have a feeling this post will be overcomplicated and convoluted to a lot of folks but maybe there’s a handful of folks for whom it is helpful. Take what works, leave the rest. Summary at the end.

Types of Conversation

Topics of conversation are decently important in my experience. They ultimately let you know where the conversation will go - whether it’s likely to end in a dead end, what sorts of things it will allow you to learn about the person you’re discussing with. In my experience, just about all conversation topics fall into one of four camps.

While I talk about Best Use and Don’t Use here - most conversation in the following topics will fall somewhere in-between. They’re just sign posts, not rules.

Me

The focus is on you. Me topics are ultimately about telling a story about yourself with some amount of conscious intent.

Best Use

The best use of this is setting expectations and conveying preferences. This allows your talking about yourself to serve a purpose that ultimately assists the other person in knowing how to understand and interact with you best without necessarily demanding certain treatment front. They might change or not change how they interact with you and this can show how responsive you might expect them to be.

Examples:

“I’m a writer so I don’t work 9-5. If I reply at odd times, that’s probably what’s going on.”

“One of my favorite ways to get to know someone is to grab a hot drink and go for a walk with them.”

Don’t Use

The worst use of this is look a certain way - knowledgeable, impressive, interesting. Basically any use rooted in getting another person to like you. Genuine connection doesn’t start from a place of elevating one person over another. Plus honestly 90% of people just do not care about why you think you’re interesting, important, etc and hate feeling pressured to validate you.

Examples:

“My boss was even stumped by the issue but I figured it out on my own.”

“All my friends say I’m the best at baking.”

“I keep a bunch of tools in my car, I’m ready to fix anything anywhere.”

You

The focus is on the other person. You topics are ultimately about letting the other person share the story of themselves.

Best Use

The best use of You topics is to better understand how a person understands themselves. Open ended questions that invite them to show their thinking as well and shows you how they reason. The common acronym FORD (family, occupation/occupy time, recreation, dreams) is a decent

Example:

“So how did you find yourself in this city? What was that journey like?”

“Why did you take up [your hobby]? What drew you to it?”

Don’t Use

Don’t use you topics to actively try to find fault with someone else. It’s great to have standards and hard no’s for your friendships and relationships. But poking around for them upfront can alienate people who you’d otherwise like - suspicion is not a desirable quality in a friend or potential partner. Ultimately you have to let a person show you who they are and make a personal call. There’s no short cut.

Example:

“So why did you and your ex break up?”

“So you get angry easily then?”

Both

The focus is on a shared expertise/language, not on the story of either of you.

Best Use

The best use of both topics is to notice things about them they wouldn’t think to explicitly share necessarily and to connect in a way that only people with your shared interest or expertise allows.

Example:

My partner and I both have a background in academic medical research. However when we talk about it, it becomes apparent that my focus is on the practical and researcher side and hers is on the data and compliance side. It’s interesting to note where our similar interests compliment and diverge.

Don’t Use

Don’t use both topics to try one up or show you know more than the other person. The minute you do that the shared aspect - and therefore connection - is gone.

Example:

I once went on a date with a man who spent a half hour explaining how GIS systems work in a very “look at me” way after I mentioned I had used them when I was studying forestry in college. It was boring as hell.

Neither

The focus is on a topic without a shared expertise/language, not on the story of either of you.

Best Use

The best use of neither topics is a shared exploration/experience. One person will usually know a little more about a topic than the other person. The person who knows less benefits by learning about a topic they’re curious about. Their questions and observations invite the other to think about this topic in a new light so the experience winds up being somewhat shared.

Examples:

A woman in line at Lowes let me know I could overwinter mums in this area. I proceeded to ask her about how she’d taken such good care of hers and whether the effortwas worth it. She thoughtfully answered my questions and I learned a lot.

I mentioned to my partner a personal project I’m considering undertaking. She asks about my motivations for it and in doing so I have to further clarify them. She learned a little about what my project was about and I learned what I was really after, seeing it fresh.

Don’t Use

Don’t use neither topics to soapbox about things that are of solely personal interest. If someone makes it clear they’re not interested pivot to something more interesting. Even neither topics require at least a little bit of common ground.

Examples:

I regularly talk about group hypocrisies I’m trying to make sense of before realizing that people outside of that group don’t really care.

Ideal Ratio

In general, in reflecting on my own conversations, I think a ratio where more than half the conversation is on either both or neither topics are the most rewarding. It’s where neither party walks away feeling like they talked too much about themselves and when meaningful and interesting topics still have been discussed.

I think it’s a common mistake to try to get the conversation to be 50% you, 50% me. That’s where conversations feel like a job interview and get exhausting real quick. They also have an appearance of depth as people disclose more to keep the conversation going but with out a feeling of connection after because little time is spent on exploration and shared experience.

How to Respond

So knowing what topic you’re currently or want to talk about is one part of this, but the other is choosing a response. I generally let the other person’s response dictate some measure of my response.

Pivot

If someone seems negatively engaged - leaning back, looking around a lot, arms crossed, giving short answers - I pivot to a neutral topic. I find neutral topics work best because the focus is not on either of you - they don’t feel like they’re under pressure to disclose or act interested in you. Neutral topics also allow them to lead the pace - asking questions and making observations at the level they feel comfortable. If they continually seem negatively engaged, it’s usually best to bail from the conversation, especially if asking questions about the dynamic itself seems like it might not be welcome.

Matching

If someone seems neutrally engaged - mostly looking in your direction, not leaning toward or away, giving input on what you’re saying - I match and continue with the topic.

FOOL

Being a little like the Fool in the Major Arcana is actually a great way to be a good conversationalist - genuine, curious, brave, and receptive. Bellow are some concrete ways how.

Follow up questions - Good follow up questions come from a genuine place of curiousity. They also tend to either fill in gaps in your own understanding or encourage the speaker expand the discussion into a new but related area.

Observation - Observations on the topic itself are great but not your only option. You can oberve how a person seemed to feel when talking about the topic. You can observe that they’d touched on a related topic before. Comparison is a fruitful ground for observations as well - “That’s similar to…” and ”That’s very different than….”

Opinion - Offering an opinion or requesting their opinion is a good way to keep a conversation going. In general, it’s best to avoid generalizations, soften them a little to start with, and make sure there is some measure of compassion in the opinion you’re sharing. Rigidity leaves little room for discussion and exploration.

Levity - Where appropriate, make a joke, share a meme, craft a pun, tease them a little. Laughter is a shared experience that connects us.

Building

If someone seems positively engaged - leaning forward, making eye contact, coming closer to you for neurotypical people and actively engaging with the content of what you’re saying regardless of stims or eye contact for neurodivergent folks - I build on what we’re talking about. I self disclose my feelings and personal connections to the topic one step further than what the person I’m talking with has.

It’s important not to disclose a lot more than the person you’re talking with has. It leads to a vulnerability hangover for you and can be quite awkward and uncomfortable for them. If you disclose just a little more than the person you’re chatting with, then it’s much more easy to recover and match their level if they seem uncomfortable with what you shared.

Decision Tree

“What topic are we talking about currently?”

Me - Set expectations, share preferences; you focused

You - Understand you as you understand yourself; other person focused

Both - Connect over a shared language; idea focused

Neither - Connect over a shared exploration; idea focused

“What cues am I getting from the other person?”

If positive, build on current topic - be vulnerable

If neutral, match on current topic - be a FOOL*

If negative, pivot to a different topic - preferably neutral or in ratio**

*FOOL

Follow up questions - genuine curiousity - “I wonder…”

Observe - conversation, feelings, topic - “I noticed…”

Opinion - cautious, concise, compassionate - “I’ve often thought…”

Levity - make jokes, share memes - laughter connects

**Ratio

51% Both/Neither

<49% Me/You

[destinygoldenstar]

I Analyzed The Ninjago Movie Instead Of Sleeping

I have real mixed feelings on this movie. But not for the reasons you might think from a fan of the TV show.

The movie didn’t NEED to be connected to the show. And it clearly wasn’t trying to.

It was meant to be an AU in a way.

(If you look at the behind the scenes one of their original rewrites was a plot of them going back in time to save Lloyd’s dad from becoming the villainous figure he is in the present day.)

So I can forgive the inaccuracy so long as it could stand on its own as a proper story.

It doesn’t do that.

If you DON’T compare it to the show:

You got a movie with SOME good jokes, amazing animation, (SERIOUSLY THIS MOVIE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL AND VISUALS ALONE ARE A CHEFS KISS TO ME) but is so strangely paced that it feels like the movie starts at the middle of the story and never shows the beginning, and feels like a completely different movie halfway through, and is also very choppily edited.

(I even double checked a clip of the movie just to prove my point there: When Lloyd uses all his dragon mech weapons on Garmadon, they play the exact same sound effect and explosion, just with different angles, SIX TIMES. FSM WAS THAT EDITOR HUNG OVER WHEN DOING THEIR JOB THAT DAY?! And that’s just one example I’ve got. I think this was the first time EVER when I was in a movie theater and I distinctly remember asking “What is wrong with the editing here? Who thought this was good editing?? Who thought this was appropriate in any way???” So I thank this movie for giving me such a memory and making me value good editing.)

You also got a world that isn’t very well fleshed out, characters that the movie chooses to not focus on except the main character and the main villain. And you got a movie that tells its audience it’s okay to forgive your parents that neglected you and are active terrorists even if they earned or done absolutely no redemption whatsoever.

I mean Garmadon in this movie BETRAYS them and leaves them to rot so he could terrorize the city again at the end. Then gets eaten by the cat. Then Lloyd forgives him. Idk what more you want me to say.

I’m not gonna act like Crystalized did it any better though. Pick your poison.

But then you got fans of the show. The people who watched the show since kids (that includes me). Who are naturally bias towards the shows lore and characterization…

OOOOOOHHH boy…

I don’t hate EVERY portrayal of the ninja in the movie as much as other people. I actually think there’s some good ideas for an AU version of these characters here. Problem is the movie never does anything with them.

Well, I say I don’t hate every portrayal, the one I truly cannot stand is Zane’s.

There’s just so much wrong with how they portrayed Zane that it just does not work. Not as an adaptation of the character. Not in any way that makes sense for this universe and is actually kinda insulting.

There’s no other robots in this city. (Like there are in the show) Why is Zane the only one and why is he in high school? Why would Wu ever pick a robot to be a ninja?

In the show the reason is pretty simple: Wu didn’t know at the time.

But everyone knows in the movie. What’s movie Wu’s excuse?

There’s also in terms of personality.

Keep in mind later seasons of the show have the same issues, so I’m talking about what it was at the time of the movie.

Zane’s whole robot identity is crucial to his character. The show introduced him as ‘the strange one’. As he couldn’t understand social cues, took things very seriously, didn’t share the same sense of humor as the rest of the team, had a hard time displaying his emotions, and bonded with things the others didn’t and excelled at certain areas like cooking.

He’s a character that connected to a lot of neurodivergent people in the audience who could relate to him. No he’s not intentional autistic rep, but one that definitely mattered to the people that headcannoned him as such.

(Also helps that they introduce other robot characters later that clearly don’t have the same characteristics he does. So really it depends on what you see.)

So the reveal that he was a robot was such a huge deal to not just the plot but to him as he finally got a concrete definition of what he is and who he is. And the show NEVER decides to say “You know, it would be so much better if you were a human!”

“Why can’t you just be normal?!”

That’s part of why I personally can’t stand fics that make Zane human. It just doesn’t feel right to me and misses the point of the character.

While I absolutely did not expect the movie to cover his… really heavy backstory with his inventor/father and how he outlived him, then got his memory and sense of identity wiped by him moments before death, which was meant to be an act of sympathy but would actually harm Zane’s mentality for the entire show…

The movie didn’t need to adapt that. For all we know, movie Zane could have a very happy backstory. And that would be fine. All I wanted was for the identity-seeking aspect of Zane’s character to matter in some way.

It didn’t.

The jokes they use for Zane in this movie are that of “Haha, he’s a robot. Isn’t it so funny that he doesn’t understand humanity very well?”

You know, something that in one episode of the show was portrayed as a BAD THING for people to think that of him! And that those people needed to learn to respect him for who he is!

And that’s the ONLY thing they do with him. Just robot jokes. Very stereotypical robot jokes.

Again, later seasons of the show are guilty of this too. So I will not act like the show is perfect.

For the reasons I listed, these are actually far more offensive and harmful than you think. Especially fans of the show watching the movie. Him being the only robot in this movie world makes me think even more that this actually is autistic coding… and that makes it so much worse.

Zane being a robot being equal to autism is its own discussion. And has its own problems on paper alone. Whether or not this is your headcanon of him, and whether or not you think this is good representation either way is up to your feelings and experiences. (Personally I think it’s better than some live action shows attempting this)

The others don’t even seem to trust or want to be around him that much. The others seem annoyed by him half the time. Like they’re only tolerating him because he’s on their team. Yeah they don’t say that but simple looks and gestures are enough to get that impression. And not once does anyone ever express Zane’s value in their team. That’s the ONE thing that would’ve had me forgive this all.

But there’s my rant. The others?

Jay is mostly fine. I think this personality for the movie is a neat AU concept. Yes show Jay is openly terrified of things and awkward, but if there’s something he wasn’t was SHY.

Movie Jay is a shy and nervous wreck. And you know what? For a high school AU, I think it works. It doesn’t erase Jay’s essence entirely. They at the very least kept the detail of his character that he’s a fast learner.

I appreciate that.

Cole is actually a REALLY interesting concept to me with the AU idea they gave.

On the surface it’s just ‘He’s a DJ and willingly old school’

But if you see the show, this is actually an ODD approach. Because show Cole has a very complicated relationship with music.

In the show, Cole’s parents thrived in singing and dancing. His father specifically was a performer that won several awards with his band ‘The Royal Blacksmiths’. After Cole’s mother passed away, his father proceeded to push his ideals and his passions onto his kid and pressuring him to become another version of him. It got stressful enough that Cole ran away from home and resented music, something that used to be a bond of family for them, and that’s where Wu found him and made him a ninja.

Throughout the show, Cole would open up to music again more, but it’s pretty gradual and a very subtle bit of character development for him throughout the show. He doesn’t need to say “I hate making music” to get the point across. He only starts the music route again whenever it has something to do with making a family member, blood or not, happy.

So movie Cole is interesting to me for that reason. Because at the start, he basically IS a mini Lou. His whole thing is music and it’s heavily reflected on his personality.

To the point where his element in the movie isn’t even animated or portrayed as earth like it’s supposed to, instead it’s… sound waves?

Weird choice. Interesting one though cause maybe that’s just how movie Cole functions.

So it’s “Oh, what if Cole DID follow in his fathers footsteps and DID want to become a musician?”

Very interesting approach for a completely different approach of character development.

But the problem? Just like the others, not utilized.

But I do think this was an interesting AU idea. Is it accurate to the show version of the character? No. But that’s kind of the point I think.

Then there’s the RGB siblings. This is where it gets kinda weird for me.

Thanks to the movie, a lot of my friends mistook Kai and Nya for being twins.

They are not twins in the show. Kai is older.

I don’t think that dents their characters too much in the movie so long as the same points were across. They’re the blood related brother and sister who raised themselves when their parents abandoned them, and climbed out of the ashes to protect each other, and found a new expansion on their family that didn’t have to be blood related to count.

These two, in different ways, are the support of the team and especially Lloyd. They’re usually the lancer characters that Lloyd goes to when he can.

I still say that about Nya even though originally, she was NOT a ninja, but rather was a Samurai with a mech of her own invention that acted as a Tuxedo Mask for the ninja. She didn’t become the water ninja until Season 5.

Which… I know the movie takes heavy inspiration from the first two seasons, the beginning, so for those who haven’t seen the show watching the movie… yikes I feel bad about the lack of a spoiler warning. Same goes for Zane being a robot.

But I think that’s also a factor into Kai, at the former half of this show, (again I’m talking pre-movie with this). He was the first character we were introduced to and we’re following in the show before Lloyd ever showed up. So naturally he’d be the one with the most attention to supporting the Green Ninja. Something that was very vital character development for him individually as well.

He’s the old school one. He’s the cool one. He’s the one who looks out for you even if you don’t want them to. He’s the one that will jump to anything without thinking. He’s also the one with the most value in tradition out of the ninja, as a blacksmith instead of a techie and as a traditional sword fighter rather than a fancy complicated weapon. He doesn’t get involved in tech willingly till he learns Twitter is a thing.

And in the movie, I think they took this characterization and said “Eh, give it to the girl instead.”

So most of show Kai’s character traits are now movie Nya’s. She’s the cool one with the most passion for traditional stories, she’s the one with arguably the most talks with Lloyd to calm him, and she’s pretty loud and brash in personality.

Not saying show Nya is not those things, she is. But the difference in the show was that Nya was HUGE on independence and doing her own thing. Being the only woman and a younger sibling in the main cast is actually a big deal to her. Not wanting to have her destiny be decided by the world or her brother as a damsel in distress or a sacrifice, she took to tech to invent her own ways of helping. Her own character.

Until destiny told her “Actually no, you can’t be the person you want to be. You have to stick to tradition that your mother had and be the water ninja.”

That’s… honestly a very brutally honest message that not a lot of people I see give credit for. Cause yes, expressing yourself and being your own person and being able to make your own fate is amazing… but it’s not always possible.

Sometimes you can’t be the person you want. Sometimes the world just will not let you. That doesn’t mean your identity is worthless, though. If you go with the flow, you can actually find that fate has plans for you that might not suck after all.

Basically a ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ messaging there.

It’s part of why Nya’s whole thing throughout the show is her starting as a damsel trying to reinvent herself and her stereotype, and ending as a willing sacrifice and death of her whole identity that she doesn’t regret because she’s embraced the flow of life and purpose. Even if she forgets herself in the realm of spirituality, her loves one’s never will.

…Until Crystalized undid ALL of that. BUT LETS NOT.

Movie Nya just really isn’t any of that. She’s basically just her brother.

Which… I’m actually fine with. The show has some bumps in the road in execution of her story anyway. And they want the only female of this team to not be a background character cause that’s look bad. I totally understand that. And her being a sibling to Kai makes me forgive it a whole lot more cause it does make sense.

But again, we don’t know what their lives are like or if they have similar backstories to theirs in the show at all.

But where does that leave Kai?

Well his whole character in the movie seems to basically be “I’m the loud one and a complete klutz and meathead.”

Basically TD Tyler.

It’s a personality in the movie that bled in the show post movie. While I personally think it was not THAT bad in the show, Secrets of the Forbidden Spinjitsu made me go “Okay. I understand now.”

As for movie Kai, that’s really about it.

It really was an early indicator of just giving Kai’s character traits to other characters. Before the show was visibly doing it.

Cause movie Lloyd is also basically just Kai but with a different backstory and context to situation. But honestly, I DO see what they were going for here.

As the ONLY ninja to get ANY focus, this version of Lloyd is well explained on what his life is.

In the show, he’s an abandoned child in an abusive boarding school who heavily idolizes his father, Lord Garmadon, and runs away to become a super villain. Only for Destiny to tell him not to, and we see his true colors and that he just wanted his family together and to love him. Something that was… hard. Considering who Garmadon is.

That is actually carried into the movie. Just cut out him running away. Here’s the difference.

Show Lloyd loves his dad and refuses to hurt him until he has to. While he is the Green Ninja, he didn’t resent himself being Garmadon’s son. What he resented was the destiny that took them apart.

Movie Lloyd HATES his dad for abandoning him, terrorizing the city, making said city cancel him for EXISTING, and he wants every excuse to shut this man out of his life forever.

That does make sense. And to the movie’s credit, the movie logic DOES work to make this version of Lloyd make sense.

It makes the movie pretty mean spirited and kinda unpleasant at times. But it works for the story.

I described Lloyd as ‘The Emo Child’. In the show. But that’s two words.

Emo. CHILD.

He’s still a kid. He’s still the youngest. He still has his own child-like wonder of the world and the aspirations that of a child would.

Yeah he’s a lot of angst. But he’s also a sweet kid who deserves hugs.

That’s not very apparent in movie Lloyd. Not that it needs to fit movie context.

But because we never see how the ninja in the movie got together, we have no idea why Lloyd even accepted being the Green Ninja in the first place. He even says in the movie that he’d give it up if it meant he didn’t have to be Garmadon’s son.

Movie Lloyd is the only ninja in this movie with an actual character arc. He resents his dad, tries to be rid of him, only to get consequences for it, goes on a quest to fix his mistake, bonds with his dad to learn he’s… sympathetic? I guess?? And in the end forgives his dad and chooses to let him in his life again.

Simple. Fine. It works on Lloyds end just fine. And I have to give credit for the movie making Lloyd resenting Garmadon more logical than Crystalized ever did.

It’s Garmadon’s end that just makes the whole thing a bad message in the end of ‘forgive your abusers.’

Yes he’s funny. That doesn’t undo his actions.

No it’s not undone in the show either, but at least you can buy the forgiveness there because every character knew that he had no choice.

In the show, Garmadon is the Oni Child of the FSM. Thus all it took was for another Oni creature, the Great Devourer, to trigger his blood and FORCE him into the evil role without his consent. It forced him to do nasty things to his loved ones and the land his dad created, and by the time he became his evil form, he was forcefully stripped away from all of his loved ones and a chance at normal life. So the only way he could ever get that back was to turn the world into his own image, thus having the world become him too. A monster.

The show made it abundantly clear that most of Garmadon’s evil deeds are either out of ambition for what he deems as helping the family, or not his fault at all due to snake venom influence.

I THINK the movie also has this because they do address him getting bit and becoming the creature he appears as in both versions.

Better than nothing I guess.

But then you get his ‘sympathetic backstory’ which is pretty much just a love story between him and Koko-

Yeah Lloyds moms name is actually different in both versions. And in role.

Misako abandoned her child to try and solve the destiny crisis, then returned to his life to help her kid out.

Koko remained a mother to her kid and supported him even when everyone hated him.

These are very different characters basically, and which one you prefer is up to you. Personally… I actually prefer the movie. I do think the mom was the one character that the movie actually improved upon. Especially with a very interesting story for her.

In the show, Misako is a researcher and just the fair maiden figure that Wu and Garmadon fell in love with. To which she chose Garmadon because of Wu’s letter that Garmadon forged his name on… it’s complicated.

In the movie, she was actually a fighter as well and took a part of the wars Garmadon was in. She enjoyed the thrill of the fight and fell in love with her opponent in a pretty cute montage.

But then they had a baby and her reality changed, realizing she could not raise her child on the battlefield. And when Garmadon refused to change his mind, she took Lloyd and left him behind. So she could be a mother.

Explains her actions in the movie all throughout very well and I never got lost when it came to her. She’s probably the one character in the movie I felt the most sorry for. She’s such a sweet parent and her interactions with Lloyd are probably the best parts of the movie. I wanna hug her.

But that’s all that’s shown of Garmadon. Apparently Garmadon was oppressed, but that’s told at the end and not shown or been significant at all.

They don’t hate you cause you look funky. They hate you cause YOU TERRORIZE THEIR CITY ON A DAILY BASIS AND SHOOT PEOPLE OUT OF A VOLCANO

Yeah show Garmadon did similar stuff, but again, WASNT HIS CHOICE.

Here, it’s absolutely his choice cause nothing indicated otherwise.

Garmadon doesn’t even PROCESS his kids existence or his own negligence three quarters of the time. And you expect me to buy a redemption from him?

You know, I’d be fine with it if he was just a one dimensional villain and the story of the movie was about Lloyd putting his energy away from a family that doesn’t care about him and more towards a surrogate one he has.

But no. You gotta have Lloyd forgive Garmadon and have Garmadon redeemed.

Cause that’s what the show did.

Even though this is supposed to be an AU not connected to the show so we can do whatever we want.

The most they do for Garmadon’s redemption is force him to be the mentor after Wu got yeeted off a bridge by a butterfly, have him go “Oh yeah, I DID shoot people out of a volcano!”, teach his son how to catch, and tell his son his backstory.

(Speaking if, Wu to me is basically the same. Just different voice actor delivery. I got nothing to say on him)

And then if that IS redemption, then he failed it. Because he offers Lloyd to be his general when they take over the city again, showing he’s learned nothing. Then when Lloyd says no, he steals their magic weapons and ditches them in a temple leaving them to DIE. Then he goes to terrorize the city again.

What redemption. /s

Again, this was all HIS choice. If it was not and if it was snake venom, they couldn’t at least give a visual cue or address it?

And now LLOYD has to apologize?

NO. LLOYD WAS RIGHT. THERES ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHY HE SHOULD LET HIS DAD INTO HIS LIFE. THE DAD HIMSELF PROVED THAT.

It just paints an unintentional bad message of ‘you have to forgive your abusers’

I’m sorry but Lloyd doesn’t owe this Garmadon anything.

I do like Lloyd’s VA delivery though, and the speech about green being the color of life. I actually like the idea of Lloyds power being his heart. Yeah it’s not flashy powers like in the show, but for an AU, it’s a really cool idea and I wish they used it more.

I have mixed feelings on the celebrity casting. Did I expect the original voice actors? No. But this casting wasn’t awful.

Garmadon’s VA is amazing in this movie. Jackie Chan as Wu is very subjective I feel, love it or hate it. Nya and Jay’s were really good too. I think the only one that didn’t work for me was Kai’s VA. Just… why does this teenager sound like a 50 year old man??

But honestly, I think the thing that got to me the most about the movie was something I praised about the show not too long ago.

The bond between the ninja.

I talked about how the show is a master class at character dynamics. There is almost no point where the characters are just standing there in one big clunk. Someone is saying something, someone is making a comment, someone is doing something, and it’s usually there for others to see and react to. It’s a very small thing, but it keeps the scenes alive and fresh the whole time and helps the audience be sold on the characters bond.

They don’t wait for the scenes of “Okay it’s time for characters to interact”. They just do it all the time.

And guess what the movie did? They’re just there in one big chunk all the time. With “okay it’s time for characters to interact” bits.

It’s one thing to not explore the other ninja at all. It’s another to ignore their bond.

In the show, they’re a found family. They all had rough upbringings in life and find a new sense of purpose in each other.

That’s NEVER emphasized in the movie except for one speech at the end Lloyd makes. Mostly cause we don’t know the other ninjas lives, and we don’t know how they even got together. Cause as I said, the movie starts at the middle, and awkwardly cuts after Garmadon is forgiven to be the end. We don’t know what it is about THIS ninja team that we should care about. It’s not shown.

All were shown is them being a team by circumstance only. Then Lloyd pulls out the cat laser and the cat nearly kills them. Then they hate Lloyd for it and spend the rest of the movie making fun of Lloyd.

Which yeah they make fun of each other in the show too, but where it ended in the show was playful teasing in the middle of moments that showed they cared about each other. And when one bond between two or more of them was broken, you felt it.

Here? I don’t know that and there isn’t anything besides the high school montage to show they cared. Just some comments about “Oh it’s okay Lloyd, it’s just awkward that your dad is a terrorist”. And then they make fun of Lloyds expense.

It’s mean spirited. It makes me think they don’t like each other. And it’s not like they ever apologize for it. They’re just teammates because Wu said so. They’re just tolerating Lloyd cause Wu said so.

Honestly the bloopers for this movie show more personality and more of this bond than the entire movie does.

…OOF that took awhile. I don’t even know why I did this, I just didn’t feel like sleeping. Uh… you read this, congrats. Idk why you did.

[deansmom]

Everytime I point out that Dean Winchester is autistic, people get mad or look at me like I’ve spontaneously grown a second head, as if this man’s existence isn’t just checking off boxes for the diagnostic criteria

Special interests: westerns, cars, mechanical engineering stuff in general, 1960’s & 70’s music - specifically classic rock, monsters. You’re gonna look me in the eyes and tell me that it’s totally normal for someone who was born in 1979 to have borderline encyclopedic knowledge of two decades of music????? Hundreds of years of monster lore??? — for fuck’s sake, he had a train thing when he was little!!!! Those are special interests!!!!

Restricted diet: it’s mostly for Jokes but dean genuinely doesn’t eat much beyond burgers, diner food and pie.

Dean didn’t speak for months after Mary died and there’s 15 years of canon evidence where he loses his voice during moments of Big Emotions!!! He’s going nonverbal!!!!!!!

Trouble with social cues: literally look at every single instance of Dean trying to interact with strangers, ESPECIALLY in the early seasons. He’s not playing dumb, he just doesn’t get it. Also, watch any scene of this man TRYING to flirt and tell me that he’s any good at it. You know why? That bitch is mimicking the fucking movies and tv shows he grew up watching.

Sensory processing disorder: DO YOU THINK HE WEARS 87 LAYERS FOR FUN???? FOR FASHION????? WHAT DID YOU THINK ALL THE FLANNELS WERE ABOUT. THEY’RE SOFT. Also think about how much he liked the nightgown and the robe. ALSO, ALSO: school!!! It’s loud, it’s smelly, it’s dirty (his germ thing), the lights are too bright, there’s too much sensory input happening at one time. Between being so overwhelmed in school that he couldn’t focus and John pulling him left & right for cases and Sam, no wonder dean dropped out :(

14.04. The comic book episode is an ENTIRE episode about dean and his special interests!!!!!! And his social anxiety, hiding out in his room at the beginning of the episode because of all the strangers in his home 😤

Emotional regulation problems: those angry outbursts?? Destroying the Impala??? LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND TELL ME THATS NOT A MELTDOWN

His whole personality is a mask! He based his whole life and personality around the men he grew up around! John, Bobby, the other hunters - we all know that dean isn’t this rugged manly man he puts on. Sure people can have layers, but my man literally wore his dad’s actual jacket for fucking years

Black & white thinking: this doesn’t need anything else tbh

Strong sense of Justice: “how many people do you have to save?” “All of ‘em. Whole wide world of sports.”

Literal thinking: half the show is about how they both have to learn to look at monsters and not immediately go “monsters bad.” Also literal thinking is hard to explain, but I promise he does this.

Hyperlexic: “what? I read?”

“Too blunt”: all those times you thought “that was kinda harsh Dean” or “wtf that was so mean” - he doesn’t like lying to people when he doesn’t have to!

Hyper empathy: “The baby in the well? My bad.” “I do my best to be brave.” Sacrificing himself for people over and over again. The djinn episode and the speech he makes in front of John’s grave. His whole life he’s been told he cares too much!!!!

As a fellow AuDHD bitch, the most AuDHD thing Dean has ever said was “we know a little about a lot of things. Just enough to make us dangerous.” Also: “I got no idea. But what I do have is a GED and a give ‘em hell attitude, and I’ll figure it out.”

Like I could dive into the nuances of all of these and explain them in great detail and find textual evidence for basically everything, but it’s too early in the morning for that much work when I know that I’m right. Yeah he has adhd, obviously, but I will eat my left hand if that man isn’t autistic.

[icequeen1371]

When you’re a child with autism, you have counsellors and therapy and teachers at school in certain classes that help you adapt and accommodate and help you with tips and tricks to get around your triggers or work through your triggers, or find the root cause of your triggers to try and hack them.

When you’re an adult diagnosed with autism, you go through your entire life, quite hard, not knowing why everything is a struggle, but you do , in a way, adapt and find coping mechanisms and skills, because after all, you still have to become an adult and live up to Neurotypical expectation.*Insert eye roll here.*.

However, when you’re an older teen, or a young adult, being diagnosed with autism is even more difficult than either one. You have no longer have any supports. No therapy, no counselors, no help at school. And if you’re just starting out in life as a young adult, no help. But yet you still have all these triggers and things that set you off and meltdowns and you have no help to figure out why. You have no coping mechanisms in place to help you deal with life and becoming an adult. It’s hard. You feel lost.

My 19-year-old just had a meltdown over my turning on the shower to try to get her to get in, instead of her usual three hour motivational scrolling to get herself ready. We took a minute for her to compose herself. While she calmed down, I thought of the dripping water on her shoulders that she doesn’t like, and her hair dripping, and that I used to give her baths as a child and she loves them, but I had the water in the bathtub first and the water was turned off when I called her in to get in it. Ok. She doesn’t like the sound of the rushing water either. So…a shower must feel like an attack to her and she didn’t put the puzzle pieces together herself since being diagnosed a few months ago. And maybe…hmm….

I asked her what she thought of the theory… She said she’ll try a bath, so I ran the water, without her in the room, she got in the water quietly washed, got out of the tub, I emptied the water for her, and it was no fuss, no muss, except for the water dripping down her back, which the addition of an extra towel helped with. Trimming her very long hair will help that in the future as well. I’ll give her some time to proceeds that change. I don’t think she’ll be able to live on her own until she has coping mechanisms in place or learns to ask for help more frequently, if at all. She’s very solitary person, and believes that she does not need help or deserve it. She shuts down a lot when things get hard and isolates. I don’t think that living on her own would be mentally healthy for her. Not yet. But also though, the expectations of young adults moving out on their own and starting their lives… It’s a pressure that a lot of kids have. But it’s OK to stay at home. If you have the support there, why not? If it’s going to make your life easier, why not? And as I said, if you have the support in place, then that’s a good thing! Use that to your advantage to prepare yourself appropriately. Don’t force yourself into a situation that’s gonna make things harder for you, when things are hard enough as it is. And I don’t wanna hear any bullshit about pull up your boot straps or your big girl underwear or it’s time to suck it up… That’s just harsh ass bullshit from people that want others to suffer the way they had to. I’m not here for that.

It’s a different way to help your autistic child/young adult to prepare for the world. To be able to regulate themselves in it, maneuver within it & handle themselves. But what it doesn’t do is put extra pressure, stress or expectations on your child/young adult when there doesn’t need to be. Let them know they can stay longer. They don’t have to leave. It’s at whatever pace they want. But please don’t just toss your autistic young adult out of the best without helping them figure out the tools they’ll need to navigate the severely neurotypical often unaccommodating world while teaching them that it is 100% okay to ask for help and proper accommodation for their disability. It’s also not a failure to realize that in some cases, their disability makes it too hard to try and fit into the neurotypical workplace. And that’s okay too. I know it’s a grieving process, to grieve the “normal“ life you grow up, hoping to have, it’s upsetting even at 52 to realize you’ll never have that. Preparing your child. Either way is always the best. Please don’t treat your autistic child like a Neurotypical one and set them up for failure by expecting them to fit into Neurotypical world. That will lead to over masking, which is so detrimental to their mental health. Don’t be the reason why your child fails.

[talesofanaudhdnothing]

Introduction

Good morning, it’s 1pm.

I’m a vlogger at heart and hope to keep up with my channel but thought I would try another avenue of connecting? Anyways the point of that was to explain how I got so used to saying good morning to my camera that I would accidently do it at 4 or 5 pm on my way home from work in the video diaries I would make (not even to upload, I just like to talk but only to myself). Eventually I just started to do it on purpose and while i’m sure no one actually cares, I personally find it hilarious so I have claimed it as my thing.

I’m Bee and this is my blog! Could I tell you what I’ll be posting here? No. Basically, this is just a void for me to shout into just like my youtube channel. I like to think I can offer a pretty realistic and relatable perspective on life and that’s why I like to share. Because I like to consume content I can relate to, and I want to be that content for other people. I crave connection into the world I feel like an alien to. I have autism 🎉 !!! I’m not sure if it’s related but honestly, it checks. Before we go any further let me give you the alphabet soup recipe:

Level 1 ASD 

Combined ADHD

Generalized anxiety

depression

And probaby cptsd, arfid, dyscalclia ????

Aaaand as of now that’s it but give me another month or so of introspection and observation and i’ll get back to you. It’s weird taking a piece of yourself and focusing so hard to figure out what it is like that. Things I thought were just normal, aren’t. Everyone isn’t having the same thoughts and feelings and emotions as I am. Everyone is not having as tough of a time as me. I’m also hyper-independent… for some reason so that doesn’t really help with ever asking for the support I need. Weird, right?

I was officially DX with audhd on april 4th, 2023 through some place online that I still kinda squint my eyes at. But I got my silly little paper that says i’m autistic so that’s really all I needed. And tbh I could have paid for and had the best ASD evaluator in the world and I’d still be like “ ok but like..are you positive bc?”. Not because I don’t want to be autistic, god no. I was RELIEVED to discover I might be autistic. And I totally respect everyones feelings and they are very valid but I never understood being upset. To me; If you are autistic, you’ve BEEN autistic. Having the words to it isn’t going to make it worse. It doesn’t give you autism to say you’re autistic. But what it does is validate that you aren’t crazy or weird or just an outsider. You aren’t alone and now you know how to help yourself. Why would I be upset to learn that the reason I get so irrationally angry and deeply terrified when someone revs their motor is because I’m autistic and I’m not just being dramatic???

Maybe I just guessed all the right answers. I don’t do XYZ or experience XYZ like other people who are autistic so maybe I’m really not and i’ just weird and destined to never fit anywhere. What if I’m just faking symptoms (not for attention because I keep it private because I’m embarrassed). 

But I know it has to be true, deep down and it always has been and always will be. And I just want to share my experiences and my knowledge. I want to help other audhd people like me. So I want to start this blog to talk about myself; Share my experiences, pass along my knowledge, and share the good and the bad. I want people to better understand us because I know I feel chronically misunderstood. And I just wanna have fun man. I have a lot to say when it’s on my terms and I want to say it!

[paranormeow7]

autism machine brain

some random thoughts. disclaimer I am between levels 1-2 and have generally low support needs. please do not take my personal experiences as written to describe the whole community!! if others have similar experiences to me, maybe with different words, feel free to share them. it’d be interesting to hear from people all around the spectrum. but do not take my words and use them to talk over others who are not me.

this is mostly about ideas of what is seen as ableist in the community and how it pertains to how I like to identify and describe myself. there’s a stereotype that is seen as ableist, that (usually low support needs) autistic people are like robots. honestly, I feel like one, and it comforts me to identify with them, as I feel like my brain operates and processes language/actions etc like one. specifically, a slow, old family computer.

I call myself slow, which may be seen as ableist language, because I am slow. Maybe due to catatonia (I think that’s the right word?) and like. cognitive stuff? like how it’s kind of hard to like. comprehend and process things unless they are perfectly laid out for me. it is not unlike writing lines of code. if the line of code is not written perfectly into my brain engine, I will freeze up and be unable to complete the action properly. Ive gotten better about this as I’ve gotten older, but I still usually need to be told the exact details of how to do a lot of complicated things, like schoolwork, especially math.

there are just simply too many steps and possibilities. I get overwhelmed and don’t know where to start, as there is too much room for error. even as I try to fill in the blanks and infer what I am meant to do based on what I know, it is simply too much of a risk to attempt something I understand so little. my brain short circuits and blue screens, and I end up sitting, staring at my task and thinking of nothing. this is not ideal for school!! but it is so hard to ask for help, because I feel stupid and disruptive. other kids just run on a newer and faster operating system than me. i am simply behind on software updates.

a big part of my experience as autistic is having an incredibly hard time figuring out how to do or even comprehend things that are new to me, foreign to me, too complicated and large for my mind to run efficiently. I don’t even really know if I’m explaining this properly. At this very moment I am scraping through those lines of code, looking for errors. I very much have a hard time deviating from my “comfort zone”, things that I have already been doing and repeating. repetition is comforting to me. I have already run these programs countless times, and they are proven to work.

My robot brain is my explanation as to why I have trouble improving my art, why I have struggle with disordered eating, why I sound so dry while texting and so awkward while talking. i need the steps broken down for me in such a specific way that is simply not possible most of the time if I want to understand how to do something new or in a new way. for example, I draw the same things over and over, and as such, I do not improve. need to learn fundamentals like lighting, space, form color etc. but attempting such a task is so very daunting. what if I do it wrong? what if I crash? where do I start? Or I try to make something for myself to eat. What if I ruin the dish? There are ingredients in this dish that are not proven to be edible by me. This is cooked in a way that may not be able to run on my operating system. Corrupted code, threatening to break the program. Instead of eating something otherwise healthy and nutritious, I may choose the same, simple food, or not eat altogether.

I am rather verbose, having collected many evocative words over the years, but when there is a concept that I have not attempted to explain before or must explain in a new way, my brain struggles to put it together. a jigsaw puzzle can only be put together successfully in one way. I am not a creative person. I cannot find new and creative ways to complete the puzzle. all I can do is put it together in the same way each time. I often upset people when texting with them, as I use the same responses, same wording, same punctuation etc over and over. To them, they may feel like I am simply uninterested or bored with the conversation. Texting can be stressful because I must rearrange the puzzle in a different way over and over as to not make the person feel ignored. It must hurt to see someone reply with the same mannerisms and phrases each time you speak to them.

I have compared myself to a generative ai before. That may be what I am, but I don’t think I am a very good generative ai. I am more like a factory machine being made to run the software of a generative ai. A machine that has been putting cars together over and over is suddenly asked to create a picture. it is so very strange to be an artist in this state!! again, I do not consider myself a creative person!! it is a lot of the reason I see my work as lacking the same spark and life to it as others work does. they can imagine all sorts of ways to create, all I can do is haphazardly rip apart what I already know, put it back together, run the program and hope it works.

I do love to learn. I do love to scrape and compile new words, new techniques, new food, new tasks to update my software. this is why I have low support needs, as over time I have been slowly integrating more and more features into my program. but it is still overwhelming and disheartening to see my classmates diligently working on an assignment that I rainbow wheeled through the too fast, too complicated explanation of, or see another artist younger than me create beautiful work using techniques that threaten to crash my brain trying to deconstruct, or eating something that I wish to try, but may threaten to poison my code.

I don’t want to be a factory machine, assembling the same parts over and over. I want to be a person, capable of creativity and confidence and working around error and operating smoothly without freezing or shutting down or overheating all the time, needing long cooldown periods, time spent laying in bed doing nothing when I could be lending my time to be productive and do things I want to do. but since I don’t have any other words to describe my experience, it is a comfort to at least be able to name the feeling in a way that others may be able to understand. saying you function like a vintage IBM on dial up also sounds better than saying you’re developmentally retarded.

or maybe my attention span will get better if I get off that damn phone amirite LOLOLOL

but sorry if this was incomprehensible. I feel like it was.

[pokemenlovingmen]

Hello! I just read the thing I requested and I LOVE IT!!! While reading, I was thinking about how tall S/O compared to Ingo would be. I live for tall s/o fr and dw! I love it when the story is long, it just gets me motivated to read more! so while I still have the chance, can I request tall, extremely calm, and works at the subway masc s/o with Ingo and Emmet? (it can be poly, Not blank shipping ofc) - 🚆Anon

man y’all REALLY want to have a

relationship huh?

I mean… me too though.

I love it, let’s do it!! I just think these pokeguys have had plenty of time to tower over people… if no one is cooking up big spoon reader content, then I’ll do it myself!

Thank you very much for your request, I love the train men haha. And I’m also very glad you enjoyed my previous piece I made for you!! You’re so kind. I’m still very much feeling my way around, trying to figure out what I want from this blog, and y’all have been so sweet. It’s why I feel bad not writing as frequently as I could! I love you guys, my fellow gay yearners out there, y’all are my brothers lmao. I hope you enjoy this one as much as you did the last! (And maybe one day I’ll figure out not just how long I want my actual posts to be, but these intros as well. Too much free space for me to ramble in lmfaooo.) Since you said S/O, I’m going to write this as an established relationship! Also the submas are written as autistic because I’m autistic and I make the rules. Thouuuugh this did end up a little too focused on the twins’ autism coded behavior and I apologize for that. I got a little too into it. But at the same time you can pry autistic submas out of my cold, dead autistic hands I refuse to write them as anything but

The Pillar of Calm — Ingo and Emmet (separately!) with tall, calm depot agent S/O

Emmet

⚪️ — Well, no matter what, the most important thing you need to know about him is he loves you verrrrry much!

⚪️ — You two met when you transferred to work at Gear Station after your first long-running job at the Magnet Train station in Johto. Definitely a bit of a culture shock, considering battles are a BIG no-no on those trains, but you figured things out pretty quick. One of the most important parts of adjusting to your new job was, of course, meeting the subway masters to get the proper rundown on how things worked around here, and that’s where it started.

⚪️ — Emmet is a ball of hard-to-contain energy that he constantly needs to express via stimming or just moving around, and even if words aren’t his strong suit, he has a woeful amount of things he wants to say. You being the strong silent type who can somehow keep a level head in any situation and seldom expresses anything, it seems like your personalities would clash horrifically. But when breaks were called around Gear Station, you were one of the first faces Emmet saw as he hopped off the Super Double Line, and you being your grounded self was honestly reassuring to be greeted with after all the stimulation the constant battling is. The more you hung out, the more it became apparent Emmet could just find some calm and steady his tremendous energy with you there to ground him. It ended up becoming a bit of a behind-your-back joke around Gear Station as other depot agents took bets on when one of you would finally stop dragging your feet and ask about being more than friends.

⚪️ — But that was a long time ago. This is the now!

⚪️ — In the same fashion that brought you two together in the first place, you’re one of the first depot agents Emmet sees when he hops off the train for breaks or for closing, and he’ll come bouncing up to you when he sees you. Right away you lock arms—Emmet loves all the excitement of his job, without a doubt, but sometimes he can just overload without even realizing it’s happening. But you’re so stable and your arms are so strong, kind of locking himself to you brings him back down to earth from all the battling adrenaline.

⚪️ — It’s funny watching you two walk hand-in-hand, or with locked arms. You have a very stiff and simple stride and as calm as you are, there are no points of tension or parts of your body that just need to move sometimes. Meanwhile Emmet takes those big, toy soldier-like steps with perfectly straight legs and swings his arms so much, so walking together you’re perfectly still save for whatever arm he’s swinging around with his motions. You’re never bothered, though. It’s all very cute and you don’t mind your arm getting a little sore from Emmet just being Emmet. You wouldn’t have it any other way.

⚪️ — It’s okay that he’s not great with his words or that he can’t script when apart from Ingo if he’s around you. He can talk as much as he wants with no expectations of making sense or proper sentence structure or correct tone. You’re so laid back, you don’t mind any of it. You feel pretty special for being one of the only people on earth who can make Emmet comfortable enough to stray from his usual script and just talk and talk.

⚪️ — Carry him!! If you’re strong enough, that is. When you two get home from a long day of work, you’ll often find your arms full of giggling Emmet. He actually really likes to be held, and not many people are as significantly taller than him as necessary to do that. (Part of the reason why he’s attracted to guys, to be honest. Hold him with those big strong arms!)

⚪️ — Did I mention your calmness is really grounding? Because it is. He knows there’s no judgement with you and you aren’t a struggle to read when you take so much in stride. It’s so rare and strange to say, but Emmet feels like he can make mistakes around you. And have those mistakes not be a bad thing, I mean. He’s always heard of mistakes being learning tools, but they’ve always felt so punishing to him, he never knew why anyone would want to learn through messing up. At least, not until he met you and he realized he could flub his words and commit any social faux pas when he interacts with you, because he knows you won’t judge. You’re safe. When he’s with you, the world isn’t so harsh and judgmental, it doesn’t pick him apart so severely for being “weird” and “different”. It’s so liberating, to feel so safe in making mistakes and knowing you’ll still love him at the end of the day.

⚪️ — And for your part, you struggle feeling strong feelings, especially excitement. So when good things happen, Emmet feels the excitement for the both of you, and his energy definitely seeps over to you! With him around, feelings don’t blend together and fade into each other so easily. He never expects you to change, he loves your calmness, and it only brings him even more delight when you do get excited about something, because that something really must be amazing, then!! It’s just so comforting to have Emmet there and watch him emote for the both of you.

⚪️ — Beyond the actual therapeutic, helpful little things about this behavior, it’s also just adorable. You make that well known, because Emmet likes that you think he’s adorable. Him? Really? Even if his smile is creepy and never goes away, or he’s always tense and shaking around, or his eyes seem too blank or glassy, you think he’s cute? He’s rather insecure about his appearance, actually—he’s been called creepy and weird many times before, mostly regarding his smile and his erratic movements, so hearing you like all that about him is just so, so validating!

⚪️ — You better be a good big spoon because Emmet loves snuggling up to you and being in your arms. If you’re having a bad day, though, your height difference won’t stop him from holding you! He’s lived with Ingo his whole life after all, he’s gotten pretty good at reading fairly minimal indicators of mood since he’s used to going off so little so he always knows how you’re feeling.

⚪️ — Expect a lot of quick shows of physical affection. He’ll crush you in a side-hug for exactly two seconds before running off, he’ll bounce onto his toes to kiss you on the cheek, he’ll nuzzle his head into your shoulder before it‘s about time to get off the couch and head for work, he just likes physical affection and squeezes in it whenever possible. He’s just always very busy, and that applies to just his thought process and usual way of conducting himself, too, but you never complain about his style of affection.

⚪️ — Of course you swap train stories and facts! He’s very fascinated hearing about the Magnet Train, Unova really hasn’t got around to utilizing high-speed railways yet. And if you have any questions about the Battle Subway, he’s happy to answer!

⚪️ — Emmet’s a professional, of course, so he’s not going to be all over you at work, but he doesn’t hide your relationship either. If you’re working his line and he gets off the train in time to spot you, he’ll run over and give you a quick peck before heading off to wherever he’s headed.

⚪️ — Since words aren’t his forte, he uses all these quick shows of affection as his “I love you”s. So Emmet has likely seldom or even never said a verbal “I love you” to you, but that’s okay, because you know that’s what every one of his kisses and hugs mean.

⚪️ — If he’s ever getting overstimulated or just plain riled, you give his hand a comforting squeeze that makes everything slow down a bit.

⚪️ — Ingo loves you, by the way (in a platonic sense). He’s delighted to see someone make his brother so happy, and to see Emmet has found someone he doesn’t have to mask with that’s not just him or Elesa. He would do the classic family move and warn you that you better treat Emmet right, but Ingo doesn’t find that warning necessary. He’s seen you working even before you and Emmet got together and knows you’re not at all fickle about your commitments. He’s not worried.

⚪️ — At the end of a long work day, you can expect to find you and Emmet tangled up in each other’s lanky arms and legs, surrounded by all your Pokemon both on and off the bed. And there Emmet will talk and talk, and probably make no sense while he does it, but that’s alright and he’s just happy to spill his thoughts without worrying about how he structures them. He’ll often go until he’s yawning, at which point you shush your beloved conductor and encourage him to maybe go to sleep.

⚪️ — Before burying his face into your chest or stomach, he’ll mumble out a sleepy “well, next stop: dreamland… aaaall aboooard…!” just because he knows it makes you laugh. You’re so stoic, but he absolutely can make you laugh with ease.

⚪️ — He loves that laugh of yours, because hearing it reminds him how free and happy you two are to express yourselves in the safety of one another’s company.

⚪️ — And when you both wake up in the morning and start getting ready for work all over again, Emmet always manages to find some words with so much less effort than it usually takes him as he barges into the bathroom to help you straighten your tie.

“I am Emmet. And you look verrrrry handsome today.”

Ingo

⚫️ — Everything is Emmet’s fault here. I mean… look, he knows that despite what people think, his brother can feel joy and actually feels it quite often, but it can be hard for Ingo to keep up with how upbeat Emmet is and his brother recognizes that as loud as Ingo can get, Ingo is really more built for the quiet and the calm.

⚫️ — (Most of the time. He definitely has his moments, but unlike Emmet he doesn’t have that surplus of energy to always be shaking out. Ingo is just a bit naturally more reserved. He is certainly more verbose than Emmet, but is actually less of a fan of being social than him.)

⚫️ — So knowing he was the personality Ingo spent the most time around, Emmet really got to thinking his brother needed someone who matched his energy levels better. In general, he thinks Ingo needs someone! It makes him verrrry sad, but he knows challengers approach him much more often than Ingo solely because his outward demeanor is more approachable to people. And by god, Emmet is determined to get more people as loud and proud members of the Ingo fan club.

⚫️ — Unceremoniously shoving his poor brother into you, a complete stranger who Emmet deemed to match Ingo’s “vibes”—at their workplace no less!—was probably not the ideal way to go about it, but you guys are dating now so it really is Emmet’s last laugh this time.

⚫️ — Ingo is very quiet and slow with his affection—at least, when he wants to be. There’s a time for words, definitely, but he honestly spins his wheels endlessly when he does talk and considering he has to take charge in that department for both his and Emmet’s sake, he likes being able to wind down with you.

⚫️ — (Definitely not me gay yearning looking up all different types of cuddles but) He likes to sleep in the sweetheart’s cradle position with you. Being nestled in your arms is very comforting for him, and when he can’t sleep, being so close let’s himself get lost in… well, you. He’ll trace his fingers across your skin, just focusing on the texture, listen to your heartbeat as he lays his head on your chest, or bury his head in your side and try and figure out what that body wash you used is supposed to smell like. He can be a restless sleeper, as his mind’s always buzzing every which way, but he always drifts back off eventually when he’s with you.

⚫️ — He does get a little embarrassed about how clingy he can get and how much he wants to be held, though, but you’re just there to love him even if he gets a little flustered about it.

⚫️ — Not huge on PDA because of his self conscious-ness, and NONE at all if you’re at work. This is a professional environment, after all! Of course, you’re so calm and laid back, that’s not an issue for you. Hey, whatever he wants.

⚫️ — Ingo loves his brother, he loves him more than life itself, but despite being identical twins they don’t see eye-to-eye on everything—Emmet’s excitability and energy being something Ingo doesn’t really have. He can get into those moods and does like excitement from time to time, but as much as he adores his job, the constant excitement can be a little much and he can rely on you for some quiet and calm in his life. He doesn’t need to maximize his energy and put on a show to be enough for you.

⚫️ — You’re so quiet, sometimes he worries his lack of volume control upsets you. He’s always so loud, and you’re… not. But you’re okay with him that way, you tell him you understand that’s a hard thing for him to control and the boisterous voice is something you love, anyway. It’s so uniquely him, just something you can hear and smile to yourself about as you think “yep, that’s Ingo”.

⚫️ — Also a bit nervous about publicly being in a relationship, but hey, you’re willing to take it at whatever pace he’s most comfortable with!

⚫️ — You use your height to your advantage, doing stuff that flusters him often—because you know for all his huffing about it, he loves the attention. You swipe his hat sometimes at home and tousle his hair, only to plop it back down all the way over his eyes. You put your arms around his waist when he’s not looking and lift him up, just a little bit—that move is especially useful when Ingo is overworking himself, because he’s literally powerless in that situation and will just hang there, defeated while you carry him somewhere else like you’re a child with an oversized teddy bear.

⚫️ — You and Emmet are some of the only people who can get a real smile out of him. He absolutely still enjoys himself and feels a good amount of joy daily, he just seldom smiles to express it. But you and Emmet are both capable of pushing him into such a good mood, the corners of his mouth twitch up a little bit into his unique half-smile. (Ingo is very self conscious about how unnatural it looks, but you think he’s adorable and it kills him a little every time when you compliment his smile in spite of him growing up hating it. So with how good of a mood he already has to be in in order to get that tiny smile in the first place, that mood only soars higher once you start complimenting said smile. Very pleasant situation he can get himself stuck in.)

⚫️ — Will happily invite you to join him for safety checks on his lines, and even though he’s very much a “no romantic interactions at work” kind of guy, he’s guaranteed to happily infodump about the trains if it’s just the two of you. He’s thankful you’re such a good listener.

⚫️ — One of his favorite shows of affection to you is kissing the back of your hand, especially to say goodbye whenever you need to part ways—and no, he definitely doesn’t go after your hand because he can’t reach your face.

⚫️ — I feel like both he and Emmet need regular reminders to take care of themselves, but Ingo is definitely the more stubborn one in that department, at least when it comes to the business/paperwork side of running the Battle Subway. Emmet throws every ounce of his energy into the battles he loves so much and is so tired by the end of the day, Ingo doesn’t want to make him do it! But in convincing him to step away from work, he’ll at least begrudgingly listen to you.

⚫️ — The only time Ingo’s voice is at its true quietest is at night, when you two are laying next to each other in bed. Your fingers running through his hair, his hand laced with yours, you’re used to him half-consciously mumbling about his feelings when he’s close to falling to sleep, because Ingo’s a sentimental dork and the sleepier he gets, the harder it is for him to hold back rambling like an idiot. He can’t help it! He compensates for his lack of physical emoting by always outright stating what he’s feeling and thinking—at least, most of the time—and though he’s never dishonest about how strong his feelings for you are, a tired Ingo is the sappiest Ingo.

“Mmh… I love you… so much…”

“I love you too, Ingo.”

“I’m so… lucky to have a man like you in my life…”

“You’re sweet.”

“I just love you so much…! With all of my heart…”

“I do too, Ingo. But you should go to sleep now, really.”

[painfullymeta]

I wrote this in June of '22 on the tweeters

and I'm going to rescue it because of reasons. The fact it was originally on the tweeters is why the syntax is what it is.

Me and queerness, as inextricable from theology, autism, and occasionally having throw-down arguments with people online:

(Please keep in mind that neurodivergent folks are known for being fucking unable to manage a linear narrative. This isn’t tidy. Life isn’t tidy. Making life look tidy when it isn't is super weird.)

My first Pride, I thought I was straight and cis. (I knew I was acespec but had never encountered terms.)

I was doing a study abroad in London and was invited to Brighton Pride by some friends from alt.polyamory. [waves]

It was unspeakably beautiful. A bright sunny day in a park filled with people who were, at least in that moment, free and unafraid. I wanted to be like that.

I didn’t even know what I was afraid of and I wanted that.

So there’s me, sharing a picnic blanket with a glorious tangled heap of bisexuals, one trans guy who seemed even more shy than me, and the femmest straight guy I’ve ever met, awkward, unknowingly autistic, and basking in this sense of a community that I was not part of.

I saw someone commenting in a discussion thread recently that she’d (just checked pronouns) felt the most welcome at Pride when she thought she was straight, and remembering Brighton makes me wonder.

My second Pride, I still thought I was straight and cis. I was helping staff a local polyamory booth, with a water bottle with a splash of vinegar in it because I am bad at hydration, and it wasn’t magical like Brighton. I don’t know why. It was still good.

Sometimes things are only magical the first time, mind, or magical like that: once you know the Mystery it’s hard to capture the thrill of learning the Mystery. It could’ve been that.

Time passed. I had a lot of ace arguments on usenet, with various people in predictable roles. (“All human interaction is fundamentally erotic, if you don’t perceive that in others, you’re dehumanizing them!” “Have you tried casual sex to get over this problem of yours?”)

I did manage to get somewhere by the point that I could articulate that just because someone is attractive to look at doesn’t mean anything more than “They’d make a nice wall hanging.”

(Years later I learned “demi”, in the context of people mocking it as worthless claptrap.)

Eventually my arguing on the internet migrated to the fringes of the feminist blogosphere, where I learned a lot about TERFs, SWERFs, and KERFs, who made me very tired.

And got me seriously gnawing on questions of identity.

(Thing I didn’t - couldn’t - talk about when it was going around the tweeters, how fucking devastating the Tiller murder was when heavily pregnant with Oldest. Knowing what that man did to balm the wounds of people who were suffering unbelievable pain.)

(Still not really capable of talking about it. I blogged it at the time.)

(He was the one who cared enough to make sure they could have a funeral.)

(Fuck.)

Anyway.

There’s a lot of intensely eggy flailing in that blog, in between snarking at the various flavors of ERF. Processing the massive dysphoria of pregnancy. Wondering if issues with gender were distinct from other forms of ‘I can’t figure out how this social shit works’.

Those people were exhausting, so full of furious categorization. Women Are And Must Be Like This. The Mysteries Of Shared Girlhood. That lot didn’t go in for a lot of The Spiritual Experience Of Menstruation but gods know as a pagan I didn’t need a supplement.

When I talked shared girlhood experiences through the person I had the most in common with was a trans woman.

And I can't separate the sexual violence I’ve experienced from being targeted for being autistic.

(That was also a whole thing: “But that abuser might be a socially awkward autistic guy!” “… what about the socially awkward women?” “They shouldn’t be abusing people either har har har.”)

(Thanks. That’s a big help.)

(I’m just gonna sit here trying to take my social cues from people who are ignoring what’s happening to me, because that’s what I gotta do to survive….)

(Masking sucks. Whatever my gender is it is also autistic.)

I came into the blogworld with “geek as gender” in my back pocket and a sort of complex ambivalence about a lot of conversations, as well as a habit of picking Discordian fights with homophobes in alt.sports on usenet. (Which did get me sent highly photoshopped dick pics.)

(Look, dudes, if you’re going to call people “cocksuckers” on the internet I’m absolutely there to ask you why you think that’s an insult if you like receiving oral sex.)

Anyway I came out of the blogworld with enough experience that I occasionally consider lapsing into a massive clickbait rant entitled, “I was transed by the TERFs.”

They defined “a woman is” at me so hard I realized I couldn’t be one.

Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have figured it out without them.

I don’t have a clean, categorizable experience of gender. I simultaneously had an intense spiritual/physical calling to bear children and found the experience at times so horrifyingly dysphoric that leaving the house was literally unmanageable.

A gay man in a Craft training group asked me if I was aware I had a lot of male energy, which I chalked up to my astral/energetic penis. It made my day and I had no idea why. I’m not sure I even believe in “male energy”.

Someone once told me that I was just butch because something and I spent a while going, “Am I butch? Am I fucking butch? I am pretty sure on the butch/femme axis I am definitely multiplied by i, and possibly ???”

When I stopped thinking of myself as female, I started learning about eyeshadow.

Literally never touched the stuff before aside from getting enthusiastically femmed by a friend of my mother’s for senior prom and this one time a Mary Kay lady came to the house.

The thing about cosmetics is when I was a woman I could do it wrong, and being autistic I was just fucking tired of all the things I was doing wrong, socially, so I included me out.

When I stopped trying to be a woman I could have fun.

(Pretty sure I’m not butch.)

(When I did a clothing purge I kept this one blue dress in case I’m ever man enough to wear it again.)

One of the most surreal days of my pandemic life:

Extra-super-epic dissociated from extensive mammography, got back to the car in my mask and Boston Flowers blaseball cap and the parking lot attendant said “You have a good day, sir” as I left.

My Craft training got hung up on a point of theology and focus at one point. My teacher corrected me and suddenly—suddenly I had a beautiful, intimate relationship with one of the gods.

An explicitly transmasc god.

The seeds sleep in the dark until the season of emergence.

There was also the time I was doing some reading on the nephilim and wound up with a visitation from a transmasc angel.

The nephilim gave weapons to humanity, you know. Swords and cosmetics both.

They’re weapons.

Never forget that the makeup palette is a weapon too.

Some people know that in their bones.

(It’s really all about the copper. Copper alloys, copper pigments, hello I’ve tripped over a Hetharu mystery while I’m trying to articulate something about queerness, thanks Mum.)

(Copper connectivity, copper electromagnetic, the attractive-repulsive powerhouse of life.)

I struggle a lot. I still struggle. I know now what I was afraid of that first Pride, that beautiful day in Brighton, and I am not yet free.

I am not yet legible even to myself.

A while back someone was doing a survey of women in public/online gaming spaces, and it made me angry. Not because it was trans-exclusive - it explicitly called out that anyone who was identifying as a woman was welcome to participate.

But I’m not a woman.

There was no space for me to talk about the experience of being perceived without being—of the Vent suddenly falling silent before the raid and someone whispering, “There are *girls* here,” a little too loud–of the rest of it.

Not without betraying myself.

The complexity of the narrative isn’t *there*. I wasn’t “always a man”, or even “always a pretty boy” (I am better with ‘pretty boy’, I don’t know that ‘man’ is what I am.) I’m a middle-aged whatever-I-am with a history and it’s not clean or tidily genderable—and it doesn’t, looking back, produce any “And now, it all makes sense!”

Okay, the autistic thing did that, but the gender thing? No. It’s always been a giant fucking mess. Best I’ve got is “ah, that’s why my attraction to men felt more like a similarity-thing than a difference-thing, I thought it was just that I only fancy geeks.”

I feel like what I have is an experience that exists, that has broader meaning, this complex interaction in which I have Done As Much Female As I Intend To and am now swirling into the arms of a different god, but my culture does not have words for this.

That is the thing that makes me angry, that this sacred queer liminal “I have been here, and that is not where I live, I am in motion, I am other than you expect” feeling is not something for which there are *words*.

There is no ceremony. There is no ritual.

I could make one, but that is just me, it is not the ceremony of the people who are like me.

I am not alone, but I’m also a white person on stolen land and my people mutilated away our spaces for sacred queerness a long time ago.

Things that have been built are not for me. Or… I cannot feel they are for me and whether that’s that I don’t fit or that neurodivergence makes me presume rejection or what, I don’t know.

I have built so much to house my spirit, but souls are a community work, damnit.

I talked to my minister at church a while back about this, awkwardly, not knowing how to articulate it.

I was glad to do so, to feel safe doing so. He retired, though.

Maybe I’ll join the relevant committee. Ha ha UUjoke.

I wind up muttering about wrasse a lot, helplessly, into the void.

Also, unrelated to personal stuff, but because I cannot resist a factoid, some varieties of slime molds have thirteen sexes (when calculated by mitochondrial inheritance). I believe others have more or less.

I need a new binder. I need to figure out hormones and my medical stew. I need to deal with being afraid of transition, because one thing I have neurodivergently learned is that change is extremely high-risk, even if there is a potential of good in it.

I need a nap.

When I was in my early twenties, I was on the pill, as is not uncommon. It fucked me up in many ways, also as not uncommon.

I got a new formulation that fucked me up much less.

It was a high-testosterone version.

What is a man? (A miserable pile of secrets.)

Someday maybe I will know a thing about this.

(Have at you.) /fin

Oh yeah I should add a note that I have a reasonably large pile of queer-affirming and queer-analysis Christian exegesis because, uh.

Well, I didn’t know why I wanted them when I got them.

Funny how that works.

[confettiikitty]

JaidenAnimations new Hatsune Miku video made my autistic ass go off the charts:

So, I am not a big Jaiden watcher, enjoy any content of hers I see, I just don’t watch as much as I used to. However, I saw today that she uploaded a miku video the other day. Here’s the thing, when I was younger I had a really strong attraction to anything vocaloid/miku, I would se the blind boxes in Walmart for keychains or mini figures and would get so excited, but yet I never allowed myself to do anything beyond that. I never bought the boxes, I never looked into anything beyond surface level music consumption and knowing a few very popular characters because of the songs I listened to, that was really it. I’m autistic, so for me not going balls deep in information about this franchise is kinda really odd for me, especially since it’s not like I was into “cool” or “normal” things at the time either, so like why was vocaloid different? Why wouldn’t I let myself get into it? I’m sure eventually I’ll figure out what caused that, but back to the point - I saw the video in my recommended today, got excited and immediately turned it on.

I watched, and had so much joy in me hearing about someone else’s excitement and love for miku. When it got to her talking about seeing miku live at the convention, I got so excited and happy that genuinely, I cried. Over someone else’s excitement, I cried. And it wasn’t like sadness, I was just so happy to see someone enjoy miku that much. This, unlocked Pandora’s box, much like ddr did for Jaiden. The irony is strong. I started looking up video essays and guides on vocaloid and the characters, I started googling figures and merch to see the different outfits and such, I started saving playlists on Spotify (including Jaiden’s ofc), it has been probably 4 hours since seeing Jaiden’s video originally and ALL I have been doing is looking into vocaloid more and more, watching iceberg videos, guides to fan loids, ect. I am deep diving. Its so bad that there’s a local shop that sells a lot of stuff from Japan and I’m considering ordering a large shelf to start buying stuff from that shop because they have a LOT of miku stuff (and loids in general but ESPECIALLY miku). I have discovered that my favourite loid is gumi, which years ago I believed it was Calne Ca (when I was listening to vocaloid songs when I was much younger they were usually dark/edgy ones because I was very emo at the time so I saw her a lot and thought she was wicked cool and didn’t even know she wasn’t a full canon loid!), I am saving like hundreds of pieces of gumi art for wallpapers and such and to send to my friend to be like LOOK LOOK LOOK!!!

Long story short, I am hyper fixated hard and I have realized that Vocaloid has been a special interest of mine for a LONG a time, but I never let it be. I have been working on myself alot, healing my inner autistic child, and more specifically my inner teenage autistic self who did not let me enjoy the things I loved dearly because they made people not like me, so instead I tried to be as normal as I could (which was not very normal mind you as I was an emo Fnaf aphmau fan so still, very much not the popular kid, but I tried ok). Recently I have got my cat special interest back in order as that has been repressed for a LONG time. Jaiden’s video, unlocked my long time interest in vocaloid, and I am finally allowing myself to get into full blown. Thank you Jaiden animations for the wonderful video and for unlocking my secret obsession. I also want to play ddr now.

[hecksupremechips]

Ashton Frey is literally so autistic though like it’s got me making organized lists here let’s see

He’s carefully mastered the art of observation and reading people cuz he was so bored as a kid being forced to attend large social gatherings and he isolated himself and just studied the way people interacted with each other to figure out why they behaved the way they did. Despite this, he’s still really bad at understanding social cues (he is never able to tell when Rebecca is upset or what could’ve caused it, he can’t word anything properly, he talks in such a logical way that he comes off as uncaring and he doesn’t notice when it upsets people, etc) and generally doesn’t interact with most people

He’s very intelligent but hated school because the system was structured so horribly. He fell asleep in professor Andrew’s class frequently but once the professor found a way to appeal to his interests he became super committed and passionate

He’s horrible, just absolutely horrible with words and communication lol. He fumbles and stutters and says a lot of mean things on accident. He mostly communicates through his actions and it’s why he comes off as cruel and uncaring to those who don’t pick up on it and kind and considerate to those who do pick up on it (my favorite example is the difference between Rebecca and Isabella’s feelings towards him. Rebecca relies on Ashton to tell her how he feels and because he doesn’t communicate very good verbally, she assumes he doesn’t care about her when he in fact cares a great deal. Isabella on the other hand is able to get on his level a bit more, like understanding that even though he teased her about the letter he still took his day off to help her in the way he thought was best and he gave her ice cream and the charm because he cares, and she is able to see just how loving he really is)

Earning his trust isn’t easy but once you get it he WILL cling to you like crazy and shower you with memes and bad puns and do anything to make you happy

He gets a lot of attention for being hot but he’s usually oblivious to it or finds the attention annoying. He also tends to turn people off with his personality

He fixates so hard on what’s important to him that it’s detrimental to his physical and mental health and he shuts out everything else to pursue his interests

He categorizes his life into boxes and HATES when things slip out of their needed space. He finds himself lying a lot to the people important to him because he’s so desperate to keep them away from the other parts of his life. He is easily transformed by the people in his line of work and finds himself becoming like them. Also he’s kinda gullible in his job and doesn’t realize he’s been manipulated by his boss since day one cuz teehee cops are fucking assholes and he has a naive sense of justice and easily believes everything his boss tells him and it makes him the perfect pawn for some abuse (seriously i hate chief lee so fucking much god I hate him Ashton baby I’m sorry but you’re being manipulated and your boss is a monster and you need to get a better career dude)

He’s very insecure and scared of rejection and beats himself up for minor flaws. He also has trouble understanding his feelings and expressing them he tries to logic his way out of feeling and only cries when he’s hit absolute rock bottom and is like. Told that he needs to cry because he’s clearly not holding up well and only then is he able to

He’s got a damn good memory and remembers every obscure thing about his friends

He’s very attached to objects and gives them names (Shirley and Ophelia my beloved)

[frosensims]

some personal shit.. (non sims 4 related, or maybe a little bit at the end of this post lol)

i recently found out that i’m autistic. which explains a lot of my issues in the daily life. it was a shock but at the same time it was such a relief to found out bc it gave me so many answers to all the questions i’ve had throughout the years. now i know why some things are hard for me and why i am the way i am.

i don’t really know why i am writing this.. but honestly i don’t talk much about this irl with the people i know. when i told some people that i know the response was like - “but you don’t look autistic” and stuff like that. so, does autism have a face now?? no it doesn’t. it makes me angry when people are like “no, you’re not autistic, if you were we would have known” and stuff like that. but believe me, i’ve always known that it was something. i’ve always known that i functioned differently. maybe i didn’t know it was autism, but i knew it was something.

i’m glad that i got in touch with the psychological care. now i get the help and the tools i need to cope with everyday life.

but i do have a long way to go still, there’s still some stuff i’m trying to figure out. there’s still some stuff i’m learning about myself. for example, i can’t work right now. i’m seeing everyone else just go to work, or go to school, and making money and seeing friends and all of that social life stuff. but i’m mostly at home because i can’t do shit right now. i’m also living with anxiety & depression in addition to my autism. and i haven’t been able to work for three years now. i do study to pass grades that i didn’t get in high school. i didn’t get an exam. but right now i’m having a break from school as well bc i’ve been at my lowest.

i just want to be able to work. i want to be done with school. i want to get out there. but for me, it all takes some time. i get contributions (do u call it that in English? when u get money from the state example bc you’re sick or there’s other reasons you can’t work, or you need some more time to finish school) anyway, that’s how it works in sweden so luckily i manage financially for now. but i don’t have all the time in the world to pass school. i’ve applied for another year of financial support so that i can finish school. but I haven’t gotten a response yet and that’s stressing me out because my currently financial contributions ends in july.

so yeah.. now u know a little bit about me & my life. don’t really know what i wanted out of this, i think i just needed to write about this and get it out of my brain. i’m not looking for answers or compassion or anything. more like, a reminder that we all go through though things. and that we’re not alone in it.

i also want to thank the sims community and my mutuals and like, yeah this game in general. bc it honestly is a lifesaver sometimes. you can just disappear from the real world a little bit. and since i can’t work right now, i’m playing a lot of sims and hanging out in here and talking to other simblrs and it really brightens my days. so thank you! <3

also i want to apologize for bad grammar if there’s any, i’m swedish okayyyy, i tried my best lol

[le-trash-prince]

long post, cw for some ableism

So I haven’t talked to my second brother about my autism because he and his wife give off the vibes of not having the greatest perspective on autism, and I just didn’t want to deal with it while I was figuring things out for myself. For instance, the first time my SIL got pregnant, they immediately moved away from New Jersey because they thought the water was making kids autistic. And my SIL has made comments in the past that give off autimommy vibes.

My brother is also really big on “growth mindset” and hustle culture etc and I do honestly feel like, even if he knows I’m autistic, he’s still going to want to push me to do certain things at work because I “shouldn’t be limiting myself.” Like I just felt that telling him either wouldn’t make a difference at all, or he would view it as me making excuses for myself, so was there any point in telling him? The “growth” I am working on is “how to exist without feeling miserable” not “how to be a better leader at work.”

But I’m reaching a breaking point with my burnout where I can’t deal with simple tasks that normally I would be able to accomplish, but I feel like I can’t set boundaries without explaining why I can’t respond to a particular email because words or why I can’t go socialize in the kitchen for 15 minutes right now.

And to my brother’s credit, he is aware that I’m going through a hard time, and he’s not completely insensitive to it, but he thinks its depression and that after months of it, I just need to be pushed out of my shell. But I’m not depressed, spending more time around people won’t fix me, and it will likely be a year before I really recover—longer if our work environment keeps being as unstable as it’s been.

Anyways he called me on my day off and asked me to respond to an email that literally anyone else could have responded to, and it completely threw off my entire day, and I had a breakdown afterwards and called my mom to ask if she could help me explain things to him.

I’m really grateful for my mom and how willing she is to support me. She said she would be with me when I talk to my brother, and while she thinks my brother should just be accepting and understanding because that’s how everyone should be, she validated my concerns that he might not be. Because he doesn’t always accept family for the way that they are. He’s judgmental about my oldest brother, and he acts like there’s one ideal way for everyone to live their lives, which is conveniently the way he lives his life.

My mom also told me that she had once talked to my pediatrician about me being autistic and to parents of other autistic kids, but was told that I didn’t fit the criteria because I had good grades (this was like circa 2000). Even tho I know a diagnosis at that point wouldn’t have made my life any better, it does feel very validating, and even if my brother doesn’t believe me or doesn’t care, I’m grateful that the rest of my immediate family has been very accepting and accommodating even when they don’t necessarily understand what I’m going through.

[monochromeheartbeat]

what do you think about the autistic brittany headcanon?

I think this is something that deserves a lot of thought and reflection, and I’m honestly not certain I have the best answer to it. Under the cut cause it gets long:

As an individual, I’ve had a pretty traumatic upbringing — one that at a very young age put me in a very untrusting dynamic with therapy that I won’t get into because it’s sad. And then my relationship with my adoptive mom was strained because she was studying psychology and did that thing you’re not supposed to do, which is to diagnose those close to you. With everything, founded or unfounded, based on a lot of struggles I was navigating balancing this growing up too fast and out of my control with desperately wanting to just be a kid, you know? And the support just. It didn’t exist for me in the way that was what I needed. Which was kindness and gentleness and patience.

So I have a hard time with the idea of head canons in general. I have a personal disdain for when people project their ideas of what they think of me onto me. It’s why I struggle with labels. I’m already a minority in so many ways — an orphan, adopted, mix-raced, Asian-American, 1st generation, unstable home, trauma/abuse, etc, etc. Discovering (through this particular fandom) that I was queer, I was like. Great, another box! (it's honestly okay - great even - now, but I was so afraid of losing what little I had when I realized it)

Don’t get me wrong, I believe mental health is SO important. I think I'm using mental health as an umbrella term here to include just general psychology terms, as I think autism is a learning/social disorder, not necessarily a mental health one. Idk, I'm really lacking in knowledge here. Still, diagnoses help with getting treatment or routines created and can really help improve quality of life. But autism specifically sounds like such a difficult thing to navigate, because autism is one of those diagnoses that can really restrict your personal freedoms because of prejudice against it (like whether or not you can gain citizenship in other countries). So I understand why a lot of people turn to self-diagnosis as an alternative.

But from my experiences with childhood, I am torn between having seen my parental figure diagnose me in an unprofessional capacity (and therefore concerns around self-diagnosis) and professionals harm me with good intentions but lack of care or tact when dealing with a child (thus a personal distrust of therapists that yes, I've worked on somewhat, and yes, I know better to ask for what I need than wait to be told).

The short of it is… I don’t think I’m qualified to tell you if this fictional character is autistic. I don’t know a lot about autism. I love that people identify with their favorite characters, and I think if that’s how you relate to that character, it’s a wonderful and special relationship you have with them. I think if she is autistic, she suffered in the sense that… canonically, Brittany never got the support from adult characters in the show other characters got. No one took her needs seriously. I didn’t really watch the season her parents were introduced (and I won’t get into my feelings about having been raised not being told I was Asian until later in life, the racism I experienced and didn't even understand, and how I feel in regards to the casting of Pierce Pierce), but from what I did watch and remember, her only support was really, truly, Santana. 

I love that Santana was her support system. I hate that she didn’t get explored with the depth and care other characters got. I hate that she was the butt of so many jokes. Yet, I loved Hemo for being so good at being so funny anyway. And I don’t know if we have enough information about her to determine if she was or wasn’t autistic. And I’m sorry I’m not more knowledgeable about autism in general. I know that it’s a more common topic of discussion than it was when I was more socially engaged on the internet a decade ago. My coworker talks to me often about his experiences, which is the only true source I have for autism information, but he's a new friend and I'm still learning a lot. But I hope I’ve answered this with as much respect and sensitivity as I can, because I don’t want to perpetuate any harm to a community that experiences a lot of stereotypes and misinformation. 

[knuxtiger4]

I guess finally having the courage to like finally put this out there cause it’s just a huge part of my identity. It’s just something I never really felt comfortable telling people cause just how much I hated it and hated myself over it until the last few years to accept that this won’t go away and that I need to live with it.

I’m autistic. I am by old terminology consider high functioning on the Autism Spectrum Disorder. I was diagnosed when I was 3 or 4 I believe when I would have violent tantrums because I couldn’t communicate with my mom what I needed. I would throw myself in the floor, throw things to even hurting myself. With a lot of work from doctors that she was able to work with me to be semi social. She had decided once I was older that “mainstreaming” was the best option for me for school which honestly did help. I know it doesn’t help everyone but I grew up normal but just a weird child. I was able to catch on to social norms and basically blend in with the other kids.

This of course change around high school. My uncle was being an asshole and told my sibling about my autism that my dad had to confirm and basically my mom had to do damage control now that it all spilled out. She talked to me in private and I was told why I am the way I was. It was… upsetting? I wasn’t normal. I wasn’t a normal kid, I have an issue and I did not like it. I didn’t like I had this label on me now. This damaged me so greatly and honestly there is resentment still that they hide this from me for so long.

It was more of hiding it from people now that I had to have a normal social norm. I didn’t want people to treat me different. I didn’t want to be seen as some “idiot with autism” that we have seen several times over the years on being on the internet (we all know who I’m mentioning). So I remain silent and just hate I had it so much and trying to continue to be a normal person and keep my secret to myself. It ate at me to the point it still does today.

This changed when I met my boyfriend, now fiancé. I didn’t know what I was doing with my relationship and it was clear he found out fast, I suck at being human and communicating with him. It started many problems that finally I had to tell him my little secret. He was…confused by it. It was a lot of teaching him things. Telling him of my bad habits, getting used to being touched and struggling with even the simplest things like kissing and hugging. Showing videos that explain autism and myself trying to finally figure out how I can make the relationship work with someone so…terrible at socializing and not know how to.

We are nearly 4 years in now, there is still the struggle. I can’t change, habits are very hard to change. It sucks. I forget conversations a lot and have to take reminders and even then it’s hard. I have read a few books to understand myself, watched videos and even have been in therapy for a year. But I still struggle and I still have this reminder that how much I hate it.

It’s just a constant battle. A battle to try to accept that I have this and that will not change. Just hurts knowing how much it hurts our relationship and that I don’t have control over certain things I do. It’s not me using it as a crutch it’s like wired in me at this point. Ingrained in a sense. I don’t want it to be an excuse.

I’m just tired. I’m sure some others have a different perspective of it but it’s just been that thing that just will follow me forever. It’s never been a positive experience for me.