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voltimer · 3 years ago

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'The Magic of Johto's Level Curve'

(or, 'a leisurely analysis of the singleplayer balance of Pokemon GSC and HGSS')

The Johto games - especially HeartGold and SoulSilver - seem to have a very good reputation. Some often put the aforementioned HGSS into their top 3 or describe it as the core Pokemon experience. I personally agree with this sentiment and HGSS is either #2 or #1 depending on my mood (it usually competes with Black 2 and White 2).

Despite all its praise though, there seems to be an incredibly consistent point raised against it: the level curve. I see it described as unbalanced, janky, and generally bad.

There are two main problems people tend to cite. First is the level progression in Johto itself, with Gyms 5, 6, and 7 not exactly being a smooth progression upwards and then Team Rocket's Archer and the 8th Gym having a notable level spike compared to those last three. Wild Pokemon levels are also usually a lot lower than the major boss fights they are ahead of, making raising new 'mons harder and grinding for boss fights longer. The other problem is Kanto, whose problems can essentially be said to take Johto's levelling issues and ramp them up. The jump from fighting Blue to the Elite Four rematches and Red is also very significant.

What I'm not going to do here is refute that the above isn't true - these level scaling inconsistencies are certainly present. It's also very different to the vast majority of main series entries, whose level curves are more linear and gradual. Gens 5 and 7 even have a feature which multiplies exp gain based on how much lower or higher you are than the Pokemon you defeat which in a way acts like a rubber band around each game's level curve, ensuring you can catch up easily but not go too overlevelled either. Playing GSC and HGSS when the rest of those entries are like that is a bit jarring. Pokemon is so well-known for having quite a formulaic design across its main series and when compared to that formula with regards to level progression and the like, the Johto games do seem a bit off-colour.

What I am going to do though is try to explain why this so-called bad level curve is at the very least not actually that bad, or, if I can convince you well enough, that the Johto games actually have a unique and (what I call) magical singleplayer game design not properly replicated in any other entry. It goes to the core essence of Pokemon's theming, and it fits with the fact that Johto's narrative also happens to put the most focus on those themes than the rest of the series.

When I say the core essence of theming, I mean the very basics of every Pokemon adventure: you, the player, leave home to go on a journey around your region, meeting various people and overcoming various challenges along the way together with your partner Pokemon. Challenges you overcome are all thanks to the bonds you share with your partners and how you raise them with love and care. As you get older, this is the sort of thing in Pokemon that you probably end up taking for granted. It's typical "power of friendship" stuff, and most people will tend to come to conclude through learning about the game mechanics that this sort of thing is superficial and that stats are all that matter in the end. The more modern Pokemon games also have such a big focus on larger-than-life stories with big climaxes featuring the box Legendaries that it's easy to lose this basic level, down-to-earth narrative theming.

Johto is significant for not having any larger-than-life aspects overshadowing its core. Instead, the core takes centre stage. There is no real overarching story besides your adventure. Team Rocket's antics take a sub-plot role but in the end act as a foil to your story, being one of the more major obstacles you overcome. Catching Ho-oh or Lugia is no cataclysm either, but rather a reward for your achievements throughout the game and thanks to your good and pure heart - recognised by the Legendary in question. Moments throughout the game like how you deal with the situation at the Lake of Rage, or the Dragon's Den trial where you're asked questions to test your ideals as a trainer (which, of course, you pass with flying colours) all contribute to this core as well.

The way Professor Oak congratulates you after defeating Lance ties the knot perfectly on the main campaign:

"Ah, <player>! It's been a long while. You certainly look more impressive. Your conquest of the League is just fantastic! Your dedication, love, and trust for your Pokémon made this happen. Your Pokémon were outstanding, too. Because they believed in you as a Trainer, they persevered. Congratulations, <player>!"

These are just examples of the main story events, though,and Johto has a lot more than that. The region is filled with things to do beside the main campaign - Berries/Apricorns, Pokegear calls, the Ruins of Alph and other optional caves, the Bug Catching Contest, and (in HGSS) the Pokeathlon and Safari Zone, just to name a few of the more notable ones. Tama Hero's review of Pokemon GSC talks a lot about this and it's well-worth a watch even beyond the section describing the games' breadth of side content.

Tama Hero also touches upon the supposed level scaling issue, and her response to the complaints is that there is a "sprinkling" of opportunities for small bits of exp gain throughout the game which should help you stay on track in most cases, and where you can't match levels, you can outplay your opponent.

I certainly agree with the latter. It always feels entirely possible to beat bosses at a level deficit throughout Johto. The Johto League is one of the key cases where you'll probably end up at level disadvantage, but I've consistently been able to defeat it with a team of lv 40s on average (so nearly 10 levels behind Lance's peak), and I'm pretty certain that my not-even-10-year-old self did so as well, even though it took me many, many attempts. From various people I've talked to and bits of let's plays I've seen over the years, this seems to be the common experience too. I think only a minority of people have had to grind to match Lance's levels in order to beat him at all. Granted, it might take you a couple of tries at that level disadvantage (or a great couple of tries more, like little ol' me), but that's surely not an unreasonable expectation. The concept of getting stuck at a difficult stage in a game could be called a universal one, and I think most people agree that it's always pretty satisfying to finally surmount a challenge like that. This can even be said about other Pokemon games - Kanto, Hoenn and Sinnoh also all have large level spikes at the end. In fact, at least when it comes to the end of the maingame, I'd argue Hoenn and Sinnoh have a larger level spike than Johto, but they're not considered impossible or anything

Regardless, though: it's certainly possible to win difficult battles in Pokemon at a level disadvantage. Tama Hero argues that the strategy required to do so isn't something the game teaches you very well, but I think this is a tad pessimistic. In the end I think that most wins will just come down to understanding of more fundamental skills that you've probably learned through the course of the game naturally - using type matchups (gyms are all type themed), using moves with stat changes (the earlygame is full of moves like Growl and Tail Whip), using status moves (no doubt you're going to see the effects of Paralysis and Burns throughout the game at least), and apt use of items (bosses always use potions and often use held items). Players also have more control over the battle than the enemy, with the default Switch mode and a huge amount more items available. It's true that the games don't teach you the deeper, untold mechanics very well, but learning about those only unlock even more ways to succeed for the numbers-minded veterans.

On the topic of those deeper, untold mechanics I also want to talk about something which Tama Hero doesn't mention at all - Effort Values, or EVs. Most of you reading will probably know about these by now, but for those who don't, EVs are hidden values which can increase a Pokemon's raw stats by a certain amount based on the other Pokemon they defeat. They were present in a slightly different form in Gens 1 and 2 in the form of "stat exp" but the premise was the same: your Pokemon grow twofold when you defeat Pokemon, by gaining visible exp for levelling up and visibly gaining stats every time that exp bar fills, but also by gaining stats little by little every time they defeat any Pokemon. Your Pokemon's EVs weren't visible to you in-game until Gen 6 with the Super Training graphic, and numerically weren't until Gen 7 where you can press X on the Pokemon's stat screen to show what are called "base stats".

EV optimisation is crucial to competitive play because the stat boosts they give are quite significant. Competitive players will "min-max" spreads, putting as much as possible into 2 stats to maximise strengths and not wasting any on stats they aren't making use of. In maingame playthroughs, though, EVs will usually end up being a balanced spread because you'll invetivably be facing a variety of Pokemon with different EV yields throughout the game. EVs can also be increased with the Vitamin items (Protein, Calcium, etc.) which you find a handful of throughout the game (and can buy at a premium) and can be used to manually raise EVs, though only to a certain point.

In Gens 3 and onward, a Pokemon can have up to 252 EVs in 1 stat, and 510 in total. At Lv 100, 4 EVs in a stat grant 1 point extra to it. For the singleplayer campaign the conditions are a bit different, but if we assume as a standard that by the Elite Four your EV total is maxed out and you have an even spread, your stats will all be up to 10 points higher than they would be without EVs. In Gens 1 and 2, you can actually max out all of a Pokemon's stat exp values but you're unlikely to cap them all for a good while beyond the maingame so we can consider them about the same as in the later gens for this.

But why is this important?

Firstly, the difference EVs make in the above scenario account for what is usually about 5 levels' worth of stats. Depending on your exact distribution, it could be a couple more or less levels' worth in each stat but the bottom line is that they make your Pokemon's strength higher than it may seem based on level alone.

This means that the wild Pokemon grinding that is criticised for being too tedious in Johto as a result of low levels is also better than it seems because even when you don't level up, you're gaining EVs for every one of those you defeat. The stagnant levels in the midgame of Johto also contribute more to your Pokemon's growth than it may seem from the slow level gain. The Pokegear rematches which you gain access to after defeating Team Rocket before Gym 8 may also be a little infrequent, but they also very often give you Vitamins afterwards to add to all of this.

Secondly is what seems to be a fairly unknown fact: in-game trainers do not have any EV spreads. Thanks to the work of speedrunners, we have exact data of enemy trainers' Pokemon to show this. Trainers do have IV spreads based on their "AI level" (more 'advanced' AI levels will have up to 30 IVs across the board) but the difference near-perfect IVs will have on their Pokemon is not as great as the combination of random IV spreads and relatively balanced EV spreads yours.

That 10 level deficit vs Lance is suddenly more like 5 in practice. Some of his Pokemon also happen to have pretty high stats naturally in Gyarados and the Dragonites, and the level deficit will still be slightly present, but once we factor in strategy again, you can abuse their type weaknesses and make good use of items, status and whatever else have you to swing the odds in your favour.

The only way you can find out anything about EVs in Johto is from a NPC in Blackthorn City who gives your Pokemon the Effort Ribbon if they have reached their total of 510, and the only practical way for a player without the technical knowledge to have achieved this is to have spent time throughout the game doing lots of little bits of training - in other words, putting in the effort - to have incidentally capped their Pokemon's EV total. It's only fitting that you find this NPC towards the end of the Johto campaign because it's likely that by this point a couple of your team members will be eligible for the ribbon.

This finally ties back to the point of core theming. EVs are an invisible stat giving your Pokemon an extra edge over their in-game opponents, or, at worst, one closing a gap in strength between them, as a result of all of the time you've spent raising those Pokemon throughout the game. In other words, EVs are essentially the statistical representation of the "dedication, love, and trust" you have for your Pokemon which gets you through seemingly difficult challenges. Levels, then, are only a surface representation of your Pokemon's strength: they create the feeling of an uphill battle, but you can win against the odds by believing in yourself and your partners. It's probably exactly what you thought as the naive and uncynical child playing through a Pokemon game for the first time, and probably one of the ways you made such fond memories of it. In hindsight, this is definitely how it was for me. It is a sort of magic, really.

There is still a big Red elephant in the room, and I do think that the level gap between the end of the Kanto Gyms and Red is maybe too hard to go and beat immediately after even with the power of EVs and such, but Red is by all means a superboss and final challenge of the Johto games, and I don't think it's unreasonable to have to grind for a while to build up for and to finally be able to take his team of Lv 80s on. The same can be said about the Elite Four Rematches in this game and others, Steven in Emerald, or that one Barry fight in Platinum if you do decide to beat the E4 rematches 20 times to make his levels nearly match Red's. If you're setting out to fight a superboss like this, the grind is part of the prerequesites. It's definitely still possible to beat someone like Red with a 10 or even 20 level deficit if you play well, though. I admit, I haven't beaten Red in a long time, but I have beaten Emerald Steven with a ~15 level gap before. Tama Hero also said she has beaten Red with a team of level 50s in Crystal in the review.

I said before that the other games in the series haven't replicated this sort of thing as well. Gen 5 was the beginning of a marked shift away from this design, with its overarching story-driven style and a change to exp gain which would honestly be incompatible with the level curve in Johto. Gen 6, whilst returning to the exp system without level deficit multipliers, saw different means of statistical representations of the 'dedication, love and trust' trio in Pokemon Amie, which can break the game almost as much as the Exp Share when enough Affection is built up. Gen 7 brings back Gen 5's exp system whilst retaining the Exp Share and Affection systems, and actually ends up even diverging from the EV design which went before by having in-game trainers and Totem Pokemon with competitive, min-maxed EV spreads from as early as the Trainer's School. Whilst I am yet to play Let's Go and Sword and Shield, their Exp system with a 'permanent Exp Share' of sorts makes it a huge amount different and from what I've seen and heard, overlevelling is quite easy despite the game being designed around the feature. I really hope that Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl at least return to Gen 6's exp mechanics, or better, reunite us with the held-item version of the Exp Share which doesn't make me feel like I'm cheating whenever I use it.

Before I go too off-topic, though, I should probably return to the original thread of this post to make some concluding remarks. What can't be denied that the way GSC and HGSS are designed may not be for everyone. I know for sure that a lot of people prefer to be able to breeze through a Pokemon game at a brisk pace without many roadblocks, but as someone who in recent years has come to appreciate much slower-paced and immersive singleplayer Pokemon playthroughs, I can't help but love the way GSC and HGSS are designed in the way I've explained, or appreciate their unique identity amongst the rest of the series. Coming to think about this has also shed light on why I adored HeartGold as much as I did when I first played it way back 11 years ago. I poured hours and hours into the game, and as a result, its magical design put me under its spell.

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Though I linked to the references I did use when they appeared, here they are again. Do check them out if they're of interest to you!

Tama Hero's GSC review: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgtMVKP2T6Y

speedrun.com trainer data for HGSS: https://www.speedrun.com/pkmnhgss/guide/k2zij

speedrun.com trainer data for SuMo: https://www.speedrun.com/pkmnsunmoon/guide/d2683

Tama Hero (YT) is one of the few people I know who actually makes longer-form Pokemon analysis content besides Aleczandxr (also YT), who whilst not being a 'PokeTuber' has made some brilliant analyses of storytelling through setting in Sinnoh, Hoenn, Johto, and just recently, Unova. I did not refer to them here but I can highly recommend their content, at least.

Thank you very much for reading to the very bottom here. This is my first time writing something like this and I appreciate it.

#voltimer longpost #pokemon #gsc #gen 2 #gold and silver #crystal #gen 4 #heartgold and soulsilver #analysis #hgss

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xorobyn · 3 years ago

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The End

Just was able to put a date on my depression. It’s been five years since I remember getting really low. Idk I feel like it had always been there, but 5 years ago it started taking over my life. I’m 23 now. I am an atheist, nihilist, pessimist, and antinatalist. So, I guess it only makes sense for me to be depressed. To be fair though, I was depressed when I was religious too. I really like who I am now. More than ever. That’s the thing. This is the best my life has been. I was feeling very content for a while, but of course this shit is up and down. My anxiety is worse than ever. Today at work I almost had a panic attack. I used to think that I could never actually go through with suicide, even though I have wanted to die. Forever, I have wished I was never born. I mean even since high school. However, as the years go by, I can see myself doing it. I’m not afraid to die. Life is net negative. I have been hurt by so many people. Of course, dumb ass men, but also friends. Friends that I would’ve done anything for. My family is outrageously terrible. My mom is a lunatic. Everyone is my family comes to me for help. They have forever. I really don’t share my true feelings with anyone. Not even my sisters or my one best friend. I mean they know I’m depressed and some about me wanting to die. I’ve never truly laid out exactly how I feel though. I don’t even think I have to myself. I think I’ll do that now…

I wish I was never born. Why the fuck did my parents decide to bring a child into this shitty ass world and then proceed to give me so much trauma to only make it worse? I resent both my parents a lot for having me. I have since at least high school. I recently discovered what an antinatalist is, and it explains how I feel so so perfectly. It puts how I have always felt perfect. I wish I wasn’t born. I don’t want kids. I don’t think anyone should be out here having kids. No one treats their children right. Everyone ends up fucked up.

I also don’t believe in a god. I’m proud to say I’m an atheist. I used to be so brainwashed. It is actually crazy. I’m so so proud of how far I’ve come. Religion has done so much harm to the world. It’s heart wrenching. I don’t have too much to say on this except there is absolutely no proof of a god and that religion is the core of a lot of hate in the world. Life is net negative bc of all this hate.

Stemming from that I am also a nihilist. I try to be an optimistic nihilist, but it gets quite hard to do so. Life has no meaning. I’m here for no reason but to suffer. That is all I get in life. It is all everyone gets whether they want to believe it or not. I mean look at the shit that happens in the world. More on this when I talk about my pessimism. Anyway, the more depressed I get the more I keep thinking my life doesn’t matter and when I die I cease to exist (just like before I was born). I mean how much more peaceful can you get? Life means nothing, so why am I here. I have all these thoughts and emotions that try to trick me into being scared and shit, but really who the fuck am I? No one.

Good old fashioned pessimism. It’s funny bc I used to be an optimist. This was in high school. It’s funny earlier when I mentioned that I knew when I started getting really depressed it was from another post I made on tumblr. I remember making it bc it was the first time I started to allow myself to feel pain and sadness without trying to talk myself out of it bc “others have it way worse”. I think that’s the day I also lost my optimism. It’s true a lot of people have it worse, but my philosophy isn’t that I cannot also have it bad and feel great sadness. Maybe I am a bit spoiled to be whining, but it’s my perspective I have bc of the life I was given. Also, I think everyone’s life is bad overall, so stemming from that I think everyone is allowed to hate their life just as much as the next person. People are cursed on this earth. Most things are bad. We suffer majority of our life.

So here we are. I wrote out how I’ve been feeling for a while. Times like rn I really want to die. Then I have good times and enjoy life. But we always get back here. In bed writing an essay to myself about my depression. I mean seriously I’ve been doing this for years and years. Right now I think my way of choice would be to take enough xan to stop my heart. Bc then I will just die in my sleep. I don’t want to be harmed when it happens. That would just be tragic. I wonder how ppl will feel. I’m sure my mom will have a mental breakdown. Might even drive her to suicide. Of course my sisters would be sad. Fuck it would kill Chloe. How could I ever leave her here. I’m all she has. This fact might make me put it off for longer. Lynsey will be fine eventually. I mean I’m also like her only friend, but she will get over it sooner. I’m sure Robert will feel like dog shit and tbh he should.

My meds don’t let me cry like I used to. I feel immense sadness rn, but can’t cry. Are they just making me more numb? I don’t fucking know. I’m fucking tired tho. Good night. Sleep with the angles.

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getlitaesthetic · 4 years ago

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Hi! I’ve been hesitant to send this since your ask box is so overfilled but I’m gonna shoot a donation to your paypal to justify it to myself gkjdkjd, could I please get a matchup?. I’m 5’1, she/her, kinda chubby but working on building muscle, heavily tattooed with like, cute cat designs & kirby. Dress kinda masc w short hair and usually some kind of suit blazer & t-shirt combo. Been told I have a high pain tolerance. [1/3]

[2/3] INFP-T, VERY bad at talking so tend to either nervously ramble or just stay silent depending on the vibes of the situation, try way too hard to be an optimist but am naturally kinda pessimistic and self-critical. I love cute things & animals and usually end up being the therapist of my friend group. If I had an evil S/O and thought me or the people around me were in danger, I’d stay and just try to ignore all of the bad stuff they do and pretend everythings fine.

[3/3] I’m scared of insects & needles and desire… happiness I guess? (NOT gonna happen in the Devildom though!). I like to sing & dance and am honestly not great at either but I do my best!!. TBH would probably get mauled trying to feed some kind of wild dog or something before any of the demons could even lay eyes on me haha. Ty so much in advance and sorry if this is a hard one to match! ;A;

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This is... the first time anyone has actually paid me for my writing. I absolutely cannot thank you enough or explain the ridiculous range of emotions I went through seeing that, but know I love you so so so dearly for it. Hopefully you like this, I tried to make it extra good, but let me know if there’s anything else I can do for you to make it better!! 💖💖💖

—

I match you with: Diavolo

It isn’t what you thought it would be. You never anticipated being snatched up by the Prince himself, and why would you? He wasn’t the one you had your eyes peeled for. No one could blame you, not really, under the circumstances.

It was first semester when the guidance counselor took an interest in you that was just a little too intense. You could feel your decline, but could not halt or even slow it. You became more critical, more pessimistic than you’d ever been before, retreating into yourself as a slow building wave of doubt washed over you. The Avatar of Envy was feeding on your psyche, poking into your dreams and playing ping pong with your confidence, drawing you closer but your friends held you strong until he lost interest. You thanked the universe that they were there for you the way you were there for them. So from then on, you watched for Envy.

Only a few weeks later, while applying for a position at the tea shop, did you encounter your next suitor. The tall, slim, well dressed butler who smiled and blinked at you with far too many eyes. Running was not an option, so you offered a hesitant curl of your lips that you could only hope was not a sneer or grimace, and you must have succeeded because the next thing you felt was his hands on your waist. His desire for you was deep and sharp, you could feel the pinpricks of it as he took viselike grip on your wrist and led you to the palace, telling you of all the wonderful things you were going to experience at his side. Already, he told you, he could tell that you were worth loving.

Unfortunately, Barbatos was not the one you were meant to be with. The whirlwind day wasn’t over (was it only a day? Only a week? Only a nightmare?) when you entered the palace, instantly spotted by the Prince.

“Oh!” Diavolo exclaimed. “You’ve brought me a new toy! You always were so wonderful, Barbatos. Get her cleaned up, will you?” The demon’s displeasure was evident in the slight tightening of his grip on your wrist, but he smiled good naturedly, and led you away.

And that was how you ended up here, sweet dove, all dressed up so far from your usual style, in a gown fit for the consort of the Demon Prince. It was how you found yourself on your knees in the throne room, at the feet of a man much larger than you, and prepared yourself for the inevitable moment he chose to stake his claim.

You offered a hesitant smile as he lifted your chin with one long, curving claw, looking into your eyes with an intensity that shot to your core. Everything was fine. You were fine. Weren’t you? Still alive and dressed so pretty, shouldn’t you be grateful you avoided such worse fates?

Then, for the first time, you truly understood pain. It is a lesson you would never forget, because you would be reminded every hour of the remaining 261 days of your life.

Enjoy the gala, beloved, and all the ones to come. You’re bound to be the center of attention.

#obey me #obey me dark au #obey me diavolo #officials #obey me matchups #matchups

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myheartrevealedocs · 4 years ago

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Untouchable Ch 27: The Instincts (S4E6)

Warnings: kidnapping, murder of children, nightmares

Ch 26 | Ch 28

~ ~ ~

It took a few weeks of just talking. About anything and everything with each other. But Spencer was finally certain that Lydia was his other half.

They were just so similar. It was eerie to him, because ever since he’d met her he’d thought she was everything he wasn’t: outgoing, brave, and impulsive. But in all the ways that mattered, they were exactly the same. Ambitious and moral and smart. And all his fears and anxieties couldn’t keep him from loving that about her. The good and the bad. They were perfectly matched in their passion and their stubbornness.

Eventually, Spencer had to leave for yet another case and it turned out to be far more difficult than he had foreseen. Upon boarding the jet, he’d fallen asleep, which was unusual enough as was. But he was woken up from a very strange nightmare by Rossi, who was concerned about him mumbling in his sleep.

He had almost forgotten entirely about his dream by that evening. The case they were working was a child abductor case. The unsub had kidnapped a 5-year-old boy and called the parents to torment them once or twice, before suffocating the child seven days later. They had just taken another boy, by the name of Michael Bridges.

Hotch had ordered Reid and Morgan to stay with the family that night in case they received another phone call. So Spencer and his coworker were drifting off on the couches downstairs when something caught his eye.

There was a door in the hallway parallel to the stairs. He could have sworn that hadn’t been there when they arrived, but nonetheless, he felt compelled to go check it out.

Quietly getting up, he walked over and found that the new discovery led down to a basement. As he stepped down, he reached for his gun, a sinking feeling coming over him.

The basement was for the most part empty. Directly across from the entrance was a washer and dryer, their bright white color standing out against the beige walls. And just peeking out behind the washer were two tiny feet with jeans and black tennis shoes on.

Spencer approached, but stopped short before he could see any more of the body. At the sound of footsteps, he turned and found Morgan and Rossi behind him. He didn’t for a moment question why Rossi was there.

“We couldn’t find any evidence of forced entry.”

“Why would that matter?” Spencer asked. Something was wrong. Everything about this was insanely familiar. He’d been here before. Seen this before.

“‘Cause it means he most likely knew his attacker,” Morgan argued, but at that point, Spencer had stopped listening.

There were strange lumps forming on his chest. Ripping open the front of his button down, he was horrified to find multiple leeches attached to his torso.

“Get them off me!” he shrieked. “Morgan, get them off me! Morgan!”

“Reid!” Morgan’s voice was fainter than he remembered. Morgan was right behind him, wasn’t he? “Reid! Wake up! It’s Morgan.”

Spencer’s eyes flew open and found himself back on the couch of the Bridges home, his arms crossed protectively over his chest. Morgan had turned on a nearby lamp and was hovering over him, concern filling his face.

It was the same dream he’d had on the jet. The only difference was the first time he’d woken up trying to get JJ’s unborn baby off the scene and this time, he’d woken up while covered in leeches. Reid didn’t believe in dream analysis… but why did it change?

“What the hell’s going on?” Mr. Bridges demanded, him and his wife rushing down the stairs.

“Sir, ma’am,” Morgan addressed, “everything’s okay.”

“You wake us up screaming and you think everything’s okay?”

“Look, I understand we startled you and I’m sorry for that.”

“You’re the FBI!”

Spencer ran his fingers through his hair. “You’re right,” he stuttered. “You’re right. I’m, just, I’m really sorry.”

Morgan watched him for a moment, seeing his shoulders shudder up and down as he caught his breath. Then he turned back to the couple. “Sir, please, go back upstairs and try to get some rest. It was just a misunderstanding. Everything is fine, I promise you that.”

Mr. Bridges stormed off in a huff, but his wife stuck around for a moment, shuffling her feet on the steps. “Are you okay?”

“It was a dream,” he said, then gulped. “I’m really sorry.”

“Was it about Michael?”

Spencer didn’t know. He hadn’t seen any more than a small pair of black sneakers. But for her sake, he shook his head.

“I’ve been afraid to close my eyes,” she continued. “I’m scared I’ll see him die.”

He opened his mouth. The words ‘Don’t worry’ died in his throat. They weren’t true. He didn’t believe them. The chances of finding Michael were so slim. So he stood there with his mouth hanging open.

“Ma’am, I know it’s hard,” Morgan interrupted, softly. “But I need you to go upstairs and try to get some sleep…” Her eyes never left Spencer. “Please. I am sorry for the disturbance.”

Finally, she turned on her heel and left, turning off the hall light as she went.

“I’m making everything worse,” Spencer sighed.

“Reid… these cases get to all of us.”

“I’m losing it in their living room. And I’m dreaming- I’m dreaming about dead kids and being covered in leeches.”

“What the hell is scaring you?”

It took a few moments for Spencer to phrase his feelings into a coherent thought. “This boy’s going to die and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.”

~ ~ ~

The next day was the funeral for the first boy who’d been kidnapped. With the amount of remorse the unsub showed with his body, they figured it was likely they’d be at the funeral to show respect to the child they’d killed.

Hotch wanted Michael’s parents there as well. It was possible they’d recognize the unsub or even just be able to tell if someone was watching them. And the unsub… The unsub would definitely by watching.

After getting changed into dark clothing, Spencer went upstairs to look around Michael’s room again.

“Hey kid,” Morgan called, appearing in the door not moments later. “We’re almost ready to go.”

“You know, they’re right. Odds are we’ll catch the unsub when he dumps the body or when he tries to snatch another kid.”

“I know the odds, Reid.”

It was so negative. Spencer wasn’t normally a pessimist, but the whole situation was bullshit. It was his job to save this kid. Why couldn’t he just… just save him? “It’s weird. Some things never go away.” He stepped away from his friend to pick up something off Michael’s desk to show him. “When I was a kid, every boy I knew had piles of dinosaur toys.”

He set down the green tyrannosaurus where he found it.

“Not you?” Morgan asked knowingly.

“I had books and notebooks. My mom filled hundreds of them with poems by W.S. Erwin and songs by Bob Dylan. She liked it when I memorized them. She was convinced that they were watching us and writing songs about our lives.”

Where are you going with this? he asked himself. What is bothering you so much that you’re sitting here tossing around a six-year-old’s dinosaurs?

“Basements are the first part of a house to be built, right?” he blurted out. “So, if you’re having a recurring dream about a basement, kinda speaks to the core fundamentals of who you are as a person.”

“I thought you didn’t believe in dream analysis?”

“Freud’s been discredited, but Jung still has his merits… My dream? The dead boy? I’ve been having different versions of it since I was a little kid.”

“Hey.” Morgan made a few steps closer to him. “Have you talked to Lydia about this?”

“Why would I talk to Lydia about this?”

“Because you trust her,” Morgan insisted. “You love her a lot and I have the feeling she might be able to talk you through some of this. You know, no one would think less of you if you took a little time off to talk with her and get your head together.”

Spencer knit his eyebrows together. How would that help? It was a stupid dream anyway, wasn’t it? “I just want to find this boy,” he insisted, then stepped around Morgan and headed downstairs towards the car.

~ ~ ~

As Hotch handed the young Michael Bridges off to his family, Morgan was frustrated to see Spencer standing apart from the group, clearly lost in his own thoughts. This is what he wanted. They found Michael alive.

He wondered if it was a mistake to show him the Riley Jenkins case. Riley Jenkins had died at six, when Spencer was four, and many of the case details lined up to Spencer’s dreams: he was found in his basement, behind a washing machine, and lived in Las Vegas, very close to where Spencer lived.

“You know, this is about as good a day as we’re gonna get on this job.”

“I know,” Spencer mumbled.

“And yet you’re still thinking about a boy you’re not even sure if you really knew.”

His grimace didn’t reassure Morgan in his statement. “When I was four, my mother had a sense that I was in danger.”

“Reid, your mother wasn’t well.”

“I know facts about the case,” he argued.

“Reid, you’ve got a photographic memory. Odds are, you saw the story-- he was just a kid like you-- and it caught your imagination.”

“I don’t really think that you believe that.”

Profilers. He should know better than to lie to Reid. “You want to know what I really believe?” he mended. “I believe you could have done anything in this world with your life, and you chose to do this job. Your man Carl Jung says our unconscious is the key to our life’s pursuits.”

It took Spencer a moment to confirm that what Morgan said was correct. “Yeah… Yeah.”

“So, for whatever reason, that case was stuck in your brain all these years, and it not only led you to this career choice but to the same city where your mother lives, and for us to have the opportunity to save this child.”

It finally seemed like he was breaking through. Spencer gave him the smallest smile. But Derek knew that he wasn’t going to really get through to him. That’s why he had a backup plan.

“Like I said, this is probably as good a day as we’re gonna get, man. Enjoy your moment.”

Hotch appeared from around Morgan’s shoulder to join their group and Spencer seemed to think of something. “Hey, Hotch? Do you think it would be possible to wait until tomorrow to return home?”

Hotch looked down as if contemplating, then turned to Morgan. “Do you think you could find something to do in Vegas for the night?”

Derek didn’t try to stop the grin that was spreading across his face. Hotch knew that no one on the team would argue about a night off in Vegas. Especially not him. So the two of them wandered off, but as they left, Derek could tell Spencer was still thinking about Riley Jenkins.

Alright, plan B then…

Hotch gave him a questioning look as he pulled out his phone and dialed a familiar number, but Morgan didn’t care. The whole team could listen for all he cared, if it meant Spencer got out of this slump.

“Hello?”

“Lydia? When was the last time you spoke with Spencer?”

“Uh… he sent me a goodnight text last night? But that’s been our only communication while he’s been in Vegas. Why?”

“I think you should give him a call and ask about his nightmares.”

“He hasn’t told me about any nightmares…”

“I know. But he’s woken up shouting twice on this case so far. He told me about it, but I just can’t seem to help.”

“How do you propose I bring it up to him?”

“You can tell him I told you. He’s gonna know I interfered either way.”

“Okay… Thanks, Derek.”

“Good luck, kiddo.”

Tags: @kris-stuff, @wooya1224, @bispences, @anotherr-fine-mess, @eddysocs

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positivlyfocused · 4 years ago

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Why Positive Focus Works

Positive focus creates positive experiences. Consistent positive focus triggers momentum, both in focus and in more positive experiences.

Simple tests prove this. One need not understand or believe metaphysical explanations. It happens anyway. The more I focus on positive things, the more positive things happen.

So why do many people focus negatively? I’m not going to answer that question, although I know the answer.

Instead let’s look at this one: Why does positive focus work?

When positive focus becomes chronic, human senses filter out anything not consistent with that focus. Our senses filter experience all day every day, allowing only experiences consistent with our persistent beliefs.

The reason people experience things they would say are “negative” AND “positive” too is usually they have both positive and negative beliefs in their Belief Constellations. So their filters allow in evidence of both.

Random negative experiences, such as getting robbed or raped or hit by a bus, aren’t random. They come from long-term focus, specific focus that feels like “fear”, “insecurity”, “worry” or “victimhood”. Often such feelings get past one’s perception because one focuses too much on what’s happening outside their head.

Focus works best when it predominantly focuses on what’s happening inside one’s head first, since everything happening outside one’s head springs from what happens inside one’s head.

Negativity owes itself to positivity

Very few people are chronically positive. There are many chronically negative people though. Everyone’s life matches their chronic focus.

But even negative people from time to time experience positive experiences. They do because a little positivity overwhelms tons of negativity. Negative “energy” isn’t an energy. Negative “energy” is what happens when positive energy diminishes.

In other words, negative “energy” owes its existence to its relativity to positive energy. It has no substance, no independent existence of its own. It is defined by a lack of positivity.

What’s more, a chronically negative person still is, at the core, pure positive energy. That energy, no matter how obscured it may be by negative focus, still overcomes negative focus when from time to time negative-focused people drop their guards.

When daydreaming, asleep or doing something “mindless” such as driving, taking a shower or experiencing something fun, positive focus�� power eeks through. That’s why a negative person can sometimes experience positive experiences.

Positive benefits feel fun

When I’m positive and excited by positive things, when I’m enthusiastic and eager about what I’m up to (or planning), I open up.

I’m open to possibility, I see things consistently-negative people can’t. The world reveals its delights. When I stay positive, I produce results effortlessly. What I want happens easier and faster. More important, on the way to those outcomes, I enjoy life more. Life experience becomes more entertaining, more fun, more positive.

While Positively Focused, “happy accidents” some people call “luck”, happen often. It’s not luck, but who cares what it’s called? Such events include problems solving themselves quickly and easily compared to focusing on the problem, trying to find a solution, or trying make a solution work.

When negative, one sees more negativity. Such focus turns things into “intractable problems.” When someone filters life through negative beliefs, the sheer enormity of bad things in the world overwhelms awareness.

Standing in overwhelm, feeling hopeless, helpless, anxiety and even despair seems normal, even though those feelings should never happen.

Overwhelming problems such as climate change, institutional racism, pandemics, wildfires, etc. can be and are harbingers of enormous opportunity, not signs of how fucked up the world is. To one who only sees problems, these seemingly insolvable situations become species-ending phenomena, even though they aren’t.

That’s incredibly naive

Someone reading this may not believe what they just read. The majority of people believe these things are overwhelming, species-ending problems.

I know though that one person with enough positive focus momentum is more powerful than millions without that momentum. Such a person births solutions before now unheard of, even while not involving themselves in the solution process.

Evidence in my life proves my Positively Focused practice creates the Charmed Life I describe in this blog.

Yes, many will disagree with this post’s premise. The Positively Focused person, however, doesn’t need or care about other people’s opinions, nor does such a person need others’ validation or agreement.

So disagreement is irrelevant to one who creates reality. She knows her life experience springs ongoingly from her, not others. So she focuses on the one thing that really matters: her focus, not what others say, do or believe.

Here’s the critical thing about being negative: It’s very hard to turn that train around. A life-long “realistic”, pessimistic or negative person may feel right about the world they experience. And they will be right.

They’ll be right because life experience springs from their beliefs. That doesn’t mean an alternative experience, one contrary to everything a pessimistic person believes, doesn’t exist or can’t become that person’s reality.

Momentum is momentum though. It takes a lot of work initially reversing negative-focus momentum. Since Charmed Lives are possible for everyone, that work pales in comparison to benefits derived, making the effort worth it.

Desires fulfilling themselves. It’s a life available to anyone, because everyone at their core is Positively Focused. It’s worth it. It’s fun and it’s everyone’s birthright.

Not living one’s birthright, in my opinion, is living. But just barely.

(Photo by Devin Avery on Unsplash)

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thattimdrakeguy · 5 years ago

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Wonder Comics: Young Justice #13 review! - THE PAIN THAT COMES WITH A LACK OF SUBSTANCE.

I feel bad for Young Justice, just as a series--

Barely anyone cares about Young Justice anymore. I rarely ever see anyone chat about Young Justice at this point. The hype and excitement, and love that transpired when it’s return was announced and the first issues were released is now gone.

A lot of that is because there is no longer any substance to the series.

In a series were things just mostly happen, there’s nothing to really feel. It’s a cheap empty feeling now almost every issue where they expect you to be excited if you recognized someone.

At first that was Young Justice themselves and Gemworld.

Then Kingdom Come

And then Earth 3

Now Warlord,

but who is Warlord?

Well, a chunk of this issue is just explaining to you who he is, when he will most likely be incredibly unimportant to the series, all while Young Justice and other Wonder Comics characters backpedal and do nothing with substance.

(However it is quite cool how they brought back Warlord’s original artist to make it authentic, but the sexualization is a bit much for a comic aimed at younger readers.)

It’s emotionless beyond Conner crying, but he’s crying over stuff the reader is annoyed about.

This is now the second time Conner has been stuck in an alternate universe. This alternate universe stuff hasn’t stopped in over a year. Each issue has at least partially taken place in an alternate universe for this series’s run, and it’s freaking exhausting.

There is no status quo. We don’t know were these character’s live beyond Cassie or who they know in their personal lives besides Naomi, but most people have probably forgotten Cassie’s a student at a college in Metropolis now, because that hasn’t even been brought up since the first issue, over a year ago.

Do they even have personal lives anymore?

When the only reason we’re supposed to care is for something that’s making people not care, and that’s the only thing. There’s no substance. What is supposed to be the substance is something so repetitive it’s now empty, and lost it’s substance.

When it comes to this issue, there is nothing.

The Young Justice story is nothing.

They do nothing exciting.

They decide to not do what they built up in the last issue, and just drive.

This is how they ended the last issue.

(In art that makes no sense because why is Timmy and that Wonder Twin in the front of a moving truck? They’re gonna get ran over.)

And this is the next time we see the heroes. Where they eventually start driving anyway.

To where? To S.T.A.R. Labs ... which is where they were already heading. They built up something, stopped it, and tried to build it up again this issue, like the end of the last issue was an empty promise.

But they send Bart off. Where?

To these other heroes, because LOOK, YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE THESE PEOPLE!! BE EXCITED!

But I’m done.

I didn’t even know Warlord and I was like “Oh they could do something cool with this”, but they haven’t, maybe they will next issue, but patience can only last so long. With Earth 3 they still didn’t do anything cool. The novelty of these appearances began to wear off with the Kingdom Come issue. If these characters aren’t one of your favs you probably will just not care besides maybe Cissie since she’s an OG.

Out of all these heroes the only one that means much is Cissie, because she is already a member of Young Justice. With Stephanie she was built up, but the last Young Justice series gave a reason for why she isn’t a member of Young Justice, making her joining the team contrived.

“The Real Young Justice” line is mostly likely what’s supposed to make you care, but when the quality has been so flat since issue 5, there’s good odds that unless one of these characters are your favs, you might even forget that this was a thing. You might not have even noticed or at least questioned that line.

Odds are we’ll get some explanation, it’ll most likely be contrived, and that’s it. While Conner just messes around with Warlord more, probably with passed down wisdom that’d be cooler if this arc was handled way better. Perhaps a fight with S.T.A.R. Labs if we’re lucky.

Oh boy. More members.

This team has no depth besides the core four having already been a thing. This comic has nothing of excitement that’s actually new. It’s banking on you caring about the previously established stuff. Amethyst barely has a reason to be here, Keli’s story makes no sense, Jinny didn’t wanna be here but suddenly she likes it (guess that’s supposed to be character development, but boy is that sudden), and none of them were even properly inducted, yet Wonder Twins are. Why? Cuz the writing is shoddy

I’m tired of Naomi mentioning how she just got her powers.

It’s tiring how Amethyst has nothing to do, but say generic lines.

We get it, Jinny has a magical chest.

Bart has one personality trait-- hyper. That’s it. All he is in this series.

So Keli is eleven, and wants an internship. Why? She’s a little kid.

Is Cassie the leader? She was the leader by the end of the first run, and sort of seems to be here, but so far they treated Tim as the leader otherwise. Co-leaders? Tim was bad as the Young Justice leader so even that’s odd.

Is it because Tim’s more recognizable? Well he isn’t anymore because now he’s a laughing stock for dressing as a turd and being super hero named something that’s his own last name.

I wish so badly Tim would get his personality back too. As well as his Robin stuff.

It’s a game of patience waiting for this series to do anything with meaning, but it hasn’t since issue 11, and before that it hasn’t since issue 4. Barely anything properly matters.

There are no real stakes. No one has anything in their lives that they act like matters. It’s just to get Conner Kent, which should feel like a bigger reason, but it’s so repetitive why should the reader care anymore?

It’s empty.

If they make it feel like nothing matters, why should it matter to the reader?

Wait this is a new arc? What happened to the last one?

I guess Conner’s gonna be with Warlord for a while. To become Warlord? That doesn’t seem fitting, but the track record for this series isn’t good. It’s not exactly being pessimistic when it’s based off of prior evidence that things aren’t always the best in this series anymore.

If anymore repetition happens, this series is gonna quickly hit it’s expiration date.

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thebeauregardbros · 4 years ago

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“The Ultimate Character Questionnaire”: Alus Beauregard

a fuckton of random questions abt alus ramblingly answered

questions stolen from [here]. i cut out ones that ask the same questions i accidentally answered prior, or just didn’t interest me enough to answer, so if you wanna do this for your own OC I recommend copy+pasting it from the source!

Basic Character Questions

First name? Alus (pronounced ‘Ah-Loose’)

Surname? Beauregard (taken from adoptive father)

Nicknames? Alus wants to be called “Al” but it doesn’t stick because his name is already short. Lots of people unfortunately call him Alice. he does not like that

Date of birth? unknown but he celebrates his birthday on All Saint’s Wake (aka Halloween)

Age? Funfact: Alus and Arc’s age is the age between the RPers’ real-world ages (I’m 24, Arc’s player is 25, but for a brief period Arc’s player becomes 26 while I’m still 24.) So they’re going to be 25 this year (2020)... what the fuck. stop growing. dont do that.

Physical / Appearance

Height? I... he’s tall. Despite Alus being the max height for Miqo’te characters (5′8″/173cm), other male Miqo’te RPers say their characters are taller than that anyway, so I’m like.. not sure what to answer. I don’t want to break reasonable canon of what’s possible for Miqo’te but I also don’t want him to be short or average sized in comparison to other average Miqo’te. I’m just gonna say, definitively, “Alus is tall for a Miqo’te”. If you have a tall Miqo, Alus is just as tall. Or half an inch taller. Take that as whatever you want. I’m tired.

Weight? I... don’t know? This question really doesn’t clarify anything to me; people can be the same height and weight and look totally different in body type. If you absolutely had to get an answer from me, my best guess is maybe somewhere between 170lbs-180lbs? (assuming he is 5′8″)

Build? Wide shoulders, slender hips, long legs, big wide chest and a nice strong core. He is muscular; burly and brawny; his body type feels intimidating and large. He has a healthy amount of fat over his muscles, but still has much clearly visible muscle especially while flexing.

Hair colour? Golden blonde; it’s got a subtle yellow-ish tone that reminds you of sunshine.

Hair style? Alus’ hair is naturally thick and wavy. His hair is grown out long; about armpit length. His hair is choppy, even somewhat feathered. It’s a bit badly damaged from years on the road, but the split ends and fly-aways sparkle brilliantly in the sunlight like a messy halo around his head. His hair naturally very poofy, like damaged 80s hair. Long bangs that were once pushed back fall gracefully over his face like a wild child running about in spring. Whilst resting away from work, he braids it loosely.

Eye colour? Heterochromia; A raspberry red in one pupil, and a sun-shiny yellow-orange in the other.

Eye Shape? Thin and serious, and slightly down-turned. Small double-lid.

Glasses or contact lenses? His eyes are overall pretty healthy, but he’s slightly far-sighted. He uses glasses once in awhile to read, but they’re not super necessary.

Distinguishing facial features? Heterochromia and his adult male Miqo’te markings. He tends to wear purple eyeshadow around his eyes and a subtle purple lip tint.

Which facial feature is most prominent? The facial structure of Alus more resembles an Elezen than a typical Miqo’te; he has a long slender nose, a oval face shape and noticeably high cheekbones.

Which bodily feature is most prominent? Alus’ lion-like tail is somewhat unique among other typical Miqo’te.

Other distinguishing features? His style of dress tends to stand out in a crowd; he favors pure white and soft pastels over more popular color tones among adventurers like blacks and greys. Also unlike the typical adventurer, he is more want to wear fabrics of the fancy and soft nobleman, decked out in frills and lace like a prince locked far away in a chamber more than any man on a dusty and bloody battlefield.

Skin? Uh... a... “medium tan” skintone? (again I have no idea how tf I’m supposed to figure out labels for skin tones when there’s no widely used phrases for specific tones fghdjkgh) with a “warm gold undertone”. The small amount of skin that’s ever exposed upon him is surprisingly soft, as if he never did much hard work in his life. [SPOILER]Underneath his clothes, however...The countless scars upon his torso, back, legs and upper-arms are rough and hard, like treated leather.[/SPOILER]

Birthmarks? Not that he knows of. He has lots of scars from messing around in his childhood but he can’t remember the origin of them all. Any of them could be birth marks as far as he can tell.

Tattoos? None! And he never plans to get one. He has yet to see any tattoos that match his personal aesthetics of what he’d put on his body yet and even if he did, he can’t imagine liking them enough to want to get one.

Physical handicaps? [SPOILER]Numbness in various small patches of skin throughout his body.[SPOILER]

Type of clothes? I already answered this somewhat but if you’re curious about specifics, I made [this pinterest] of stuff I’d imagine he’d wear. Pretty much just take the “aristocrat” Japanese street fashion genre and turn it white, and give it a bit of a gold trim. Lots of frills and lace; heavily inspired by fantastical shoujo manga glorified depictions of what a Prince Charming looks like in medieval setting fairy tales.

How do they wear their clothes? Some (not all) of the specific guidelines I have in my head of what his wardrobe’s like; Colors are only pastels, white, or gold - once in a blue moon he might wear a rich dark raspberry red color or bright orange or yellow. He will NEVER wear grey or black. Pants have to be long enough to reach the ankles. He prefers wearing his shirts tucked-in. Clothes MUST fully cover everything on his body excluding head, neck, and hands at all times - low neckline acceptable in off-duty time. Under special occasions only (ie beachware); lower arms, top of feet or shins can be uncovered. He wears a lot of jabot ties.

What are their feet like? (type of shoes, state of shoes, socks, feet, pristine, dirty, worn, etc) Alus takes his quality of fashion seriously. He’s the type of guy who wears expensive fancy soft white socks trimmed with gold nobody will ever see with the little suspenders on his legs to keep the socks from sagging down. He adores wearing white pointed dress shoes, especially if they have a bit of a high heel. Gold jewelry or buckles are lovely, and any shoe with lace, bows, ribbons, fancy beadwork or faux flowers are supreme. (Google image search ‘Bridal Boots’ if you wanna see his shoes. He’d seriously wear any of them.)

Race / Ethnicity? hhhhhhhhh it’s 5am man I dont have the energy to google faces until i find a reasonable faceclaim and try to figure out that person’s ethnicity... they’re Fantasy Characters... alus is a miqo’te.. maybe had some elezen or hyur in his lineage? idk

Mannerisms? Alus is like a living embodiment of a cartoon Disney prince. I don’t know how to better describe it; He’s elegant and gentle for the most part but can also so comically stiff you could mistake him for an automaton or a piece of background cardboard - then when the moment hits, he can spring into an unrealistic slapstick looney toon nightmare. He always seems to be in a constant state of floating between elegance, stiffness, and slapstick. There is never a break. There is never an in-between.

Are they in good health? For their active life circumstances of constant physical hardship, they are in amazingly good health.

Do they have any disabilities? I don’t think of ADHD as a disability (and I’m saying that as someone who has autism and most likely ADD or ADHD myself) but it’s classified by a lot of people as a disability. So yeah, uh, Alus absolutely has ADHD.

Personality

Are they more optimistic or pessimistic? Definitely more optimistic, sometimes to a fault. I think there’s a degree of choice in there but he’s kinda lost the boundary between blind trust and trying to believe in people and situations because he morally wants to. He is still a worry wart, and that is what causes him to fight so hard as he does for making things around him better as well as making himself better - but I think he makes a very active effort of not letting anyone see that part of him, maybe in an effort to convince himself as well that everything is and will be okay.

Are they introverted or extroverted? Extroverted in a lot of ways and introverted in others. Alus loves and thrives around people, and I think he’s a bit more drained than the average person when he’s alone vs. being in a crowd, but he’s still living more as an introvert - one-on-one deep talks can make him extremely anxious. He’s great at the surface niceties but can often find himself too devoted to strangers, which leads him into trouble sometimes. He’s like a really great social co-worker and a extremely awkward off-duty member of society that doesn’t really know how to function or navigate normal relationships.

Do they ever put on airs? A b s o l u t e l y. Alus’ entire persona is carefully hand-crafted over a lifetime. It’s not to say “This isn’t who he really is, he’s a liar”, but moreso “He’s not quite the person he wishes he was yet.” He makes a really large effort to put on airs of this confident and beautiful Princely type of heroic figure straight out of a fairy tale where he simultaneously knows that such a goal is impossible, since this isn’t a story book - this is real life, he is flawed and complicated, and nothing is as perfect as you wish it was. But he keeps trying no matter what.

What bad habits do they have? Low-key bullying his brother, for sure. Arc is the only person Alus just can’t really put on airs with so his perfect image just breaks down around him. While Alus appears to be a very gentle and kind individual around other people, he’ll comically slap and roast his brother without mercy. (Don’t worry; it’s mutual between them.)

What makes them laugh out loud? Almost anything. Alus is definitely a big giggler, and an even bigger loud spontaneous laugher.

How do they display affection? There’s two major levels of it. First, it’s showering you with little gifts - sweets, flowers, even money if you’re in need, with nothing asked in return. If you’re very close to him, it’s skinship; he loves spontaneously hugging others and holding hands and all that kinda platonic stuff. He’ll pretty much not let go of your arm if you’re around him. He also loves dancing with people, you bet he’ll do the whole nine yards of weaving you around him, lifting you above his head and dipping you.

Mental handicaps? Hates being touched. He has some really bad memories of being manhandled and despises any type of physical restriction on himself, especially from people he doesn’t find VERY close to him. He hates even more to be seen in casual clothes, especially clothes that expose his skin. He’s really not a fan of his exposed body and it’s gonna take a lot for him to get over it. He’s slowly getting better but it’s a long journey.

How do they want to be seen by others? Someone to look up to; someone to rely on. He wants to be the hope for humanity, essentially. He wants to inspire others to heroism and kindness just by seeing him, and he wants to make the world a better place just by existing in it.

How do they see themselves? Someone who’s just not good enough; Someone who needs to keep working to be better; someone who’s chosen destiny is to be the hero of humanity.

How are they seen by others? Probably as a weirdo. He definitely comes off as eccentric; his strange comedic ramblings and sudden dancing mid-conversation, as well as his random gifts and bag full of pranks, magic tricks and fireworks just really feel off-the-wall. His immediate devotion to others may also come off as exceedingly suspicious. I think how he dresses and his cafe also indicate he’s kind of the ‘rich unhinged guy’ stereotype. People who know him well though know that he’s an extremely good person who would give you the clothes off his back if you needed them more. He loves humanity and would do anything for it.

Strongest character trait? His stubborn devotion to his ideals, for sure. If he wants something, he’ll work his hardest to make sure it happens.

Weakest character trait? Far too trusting of strangers; he gets taken advantage of very easily, and he’s almost always happy to come back for more. He’ll even give the biggest villain a 2nd and 3rd and 4th chance. His inability to condemn anyone as truly evil may cause far more hardship for everyone in the long run than if he just chose to kill the person or lock them up indefinitely and be done with it.

How competitive are they? Alus thrives in competitive environments due to an absolute love and adoration for sportsmanship. He does a fantastic job making his competitors have fun and feels that a competition that is too one-sided doesn’t have any fun or worth. He loves difficult competition because he feels that it helps better himself and his rival.

Do they make snap judgements or take time to consider? Oh, he’s absolutely a “strike now while the iron’s hot” type of a guy. He knows that even a second of a wait can change things for the worse. He’s also definitely a philosophical type that thinks over every possible scenario in his mind in his off-time, but ultimately, he’ll always be the one running off to get things done as soon as they’re brought to his attention. He’s the opposite of his brother, who wants to slow things down before making rash decisions. Alus just knows those decisions need to be made, so it might as well be now, so he just gets it done and worries about the outcome later.

How do they react to praise? He’s actually probably never used to it. I think he has a bit of a low self-esteem problem in how he sees himself as never quite as good as he wants himself to be, so praise can catch him off-guard pretty easily. He’ll cover that up by clumsily stating something comically over-the-top like “Of course, I am incredible! I am the best! Mwahahaha!” but not before gasping for air and stuttering like a shy schoolgirl first.

How do they react to criticism? He has a great ability to deflect toxicity into positivity; he asks what people mean and tries to understand them. I think if the criticism can be taken as constructive, he’s always happy to take it. If the criticism is just plain mean, I think he’ll ask if there’s anything he can do to help the person he’s talking to - he knows nobody would say such mean things to another unless they were having a pretty bad day.

What is their greatest fear? Oh, y’know. Losing his brother. Slugs and slimy things. If you wanna get painful and philosophical about it, I think he’s terrified of the future. He tries to live in the moment and just do the best he can at all times, but when he sees that what he does doesn’t help a lot of the world to stay safe, it freaks him out. In his mind, he’s doing a lot, but in reality - it’s not much at the grand scheme of things. He tries not to think about it too much. He tries not to think much of the past either - of all the mistakes, of what he could and couldn’t have done. It frustrates him. I guess you could say his greatest fear is his own limits. It never feels like he’s doing enough, or even if he ever could do enough.

What are their biggest secrets? [SPOILERS, OBVIOUSLY] Alus is absolutely disgusted with the military powers of the world, and the politicians. He tries to stay optimistic and bright on the outside - he stays useful and does what he can without complaint, he tries to lie to himself and say it isn’t too bad, tries to focus on the good these systems do, to be placated and trust his brother that things will work out alright in this setup - but he sincerely wishes that somehow they could be abolished entirely. He’s frustrated with the idea of any one person or power having control over the lives of others - people those single powers may never meet - will inevitably cause a lack of humanity and understanding of others. Nobody should have this power, not even him, not even the gods. As Alus’ writer, I don’t think he knows a good alternative, he just knows he’s seen enough immoral and inconsiderate shitfuckery in these systems that he can barely stand it anymore. I think many soldiers probably feel like this eventually. [/SPOILER]

What is their philosophy of life? literally just look at the [quote insp tag]

When was the last time they cried? I FEEL LIKE ALUS IS THE TYPE TO TEAR UP AT EXTREMELY COMMON SHIT TBH?? EVERYTHING IS SO BEAUTIFUL I STARTED CRYING TYPE??

What haunts them? [SPOILER]Literally just... becoming a soldier or a fighter to begin with. He wishes it never happened, he wishes the world didn’t need fighting to begin with. But he knows he can never go back now, and even if he did, he’d probably still become a soldier all over again. It’s all he can do in this violent, terrible world.[/SPOILER]

What are their political views? Notable traits would supporting equality rights for Beastmen, more funding towards helping refugees, more funding to adoption agencies and orphanages, more transparency about tax profit and spending, creating opportunities for different countries to share their culture.. etc. (Note: I like to believe that larger glaring IRL political issues like lack of LGBTQ+ rights, gender inequality, ableism, skin-color-based racism and other large current inhumane social problems aren’t problems in FFXIV’s universe. If your RP character uses bigotry in accurate line of these IRL social issues as a character trait, you are not welcome in my RP circle. Period.)

What will they stand up for? He hates violence in general, so he’ll do whatever he can to stop it. Anyone who seems to be controlling or keeping other people against their will is something he loathes. No means no!

Who do they quote? Urianger. like a lot. Probably mostly accidentally; he picks up a lot of vocal mannerisms from the guy.

Are they indoorsy or outdoorsy? Outdoorsy, for sure. He grew up under the stars and being forced indoors for a long time will probably give him feelings of anxiousness and claustrophobia, especially if the space is small. He has had some bad experiences being unable to go outside so he takes his freedom to roam outdoors very seriously.

What is their sinful little habit? He loves sweets. This guy is all about boasting a healthy diet, but his weakness shows the exact opposite. More serious answer: He tends to procrastinate bad, especially when it comes to his passive military duties.

How do they treat people better than them? If they breathe, they’re royalty. Utmost respect and courtesy. Treats them as if he’s the royal butler to their fancy ass selves, even if they’re the lowest of the low in poverty.

How do they treat people worse than them? Honestly? Pretty much the same answer as above. If he gets truly angry at someone, he’ll tell them how and why straight-up, but he’ll never stop giving them the respect and courtesy he believes every human being deserves.

What quality do they most value in a friend? Someone who is as ridiculously open-hearted and ready to confess love to the nearest person along with anything else in the world as Alus tends to do, but also someone who pays close enough attention to him that they can tell when he’s in distress. Alus has a hard time speaking up about when he feels uncomfortable, so someone who has a talent for empathy - detecting other peoples’ emotions - would be incredibly invaluable. That’s the fastest way to his heart.

What do they consider an overrated virtue? None, and all. He thinks that if anyone gets carried away with any traditional virtue to the point that they’re causing evil in the world, they’re just misguided. He understands that - or at least actively wants to understand that - so he can forgive.

If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be? He... honestly thinks of himself as more of an Elezen than a Miqo’te. So anything that ‘gives away’ that he’s a Miqo’te, he could probably do without. He likes his ears and his tail though! But maybe if he was taller? lmao. (I don’t intend to ever Fantasia Alus FYI, MAYBE if male viera comes out and my partner agrees to it AND I have absolutely no active RP going on, but it’s very unlikely, and if it does happen it will be considered a retcon, not a character development)

What is their obsession? Definitely his aesthetics. He spends an incredibly large amount of time, effort, and money on making himself look and properly act like a “fairy tale prince charming”. It’s not only a philosophical mindset of being moral and heroic, but also being charming and supportive to everyone around himself. He honestly hopes and believes that if he succeeds in creating and upholding this image that every person who rests their eyes upon him will be filled with determination and hope that heroism and safety is real.

What are their pet peeves? He disapproves of the glorification of alcohol, smoking, or any other vices that are bad for the average person’s health. He won’t turn away the people with these vices as potential friends, but he’ll certainly be tempted to lecture them on it. He is also really not a fan of casual skinship between strangers, nor is he a fan of an aggressively pessimistic attitude, nor will he ever really be used to people who wear very little clothing (He isn’t disapproving of the sex industry or sex workers per say, he just doesn’t ‘get it’; he could never imagine himself in their shoes), nor is he a fan of other people trying to change him to be more chill about his aesthetic code (how he dresses, how he positively interacts with others, etc.) - but he tends to be more quiet about his dislike of these things. He tries to stay open minded and patient, but yeah, maybe it’ll take a bit longer to get to ‘close friend’ status with these things.

What are their idiosyncrasies? (special mannerisms?) His posture tends to be stiff as a board: too perfect, like some sort of breathing statue or mechanic humanoid, while at other times it’s as if a switch is flipped to make him become a crazy slapstick ragdoll. He tends to speak in a constant fluctuation of ‘ye olde English’ and common casual speech, and he keeps a few feet distance from people he isn’t especially close with at all times. He’s generous with money and far too trusting of strangers to the point it feels like an overblown parody of these traits. He’s painfully optimistic and takes compliments first with a moment of surprise before he adjusts his reaction with over-the-top narcissistic vigor. He’s a constantly faltering image of himself. He’s a walking symbolism of good-hearted chaos.

Friends and Family

Is their family big or small? Who does it consist of? The only people Alus regards as true family is his twin brother, Arc, and his late adoptive father, Gwenneg. There are other Beauregards in the world, and other great “found family”-esque friends yet to make, but Alus cannot imagine them ever meeting the kind of friendship and connection he has with his brother and had with his father. Perhaps he’s tried in the past, but it just never feels the same. He’s at the point he’s given up on the idea of it happening casually.

What is their perception of family? A close-knit group that is always there for eachother, practically living at eachother’s hips. The type of people you can just glance at and they can read your mind, and even if they disagree with you, they’ll go along with you and fix it later. They’re always up for improving eachother. They are essentially extensions of oneself, and like limbs, even if such is cut - it is carefully looked after and healed, the rest of the body worries and tries to better it, never blaming it’s limb for not being good enough. All part of one system.

Describe their best friend. Arc is undeniably Alus’ best friend. I feel a bit weird talking about my friend’s OC for them, but I will say this; Arc’s strengths are in his slow and strategic approach to things; his love of politics and ability to glide through them, the way he finds the best routes and setups in battle, the timing, everything down to the little tiniest details to turn a battle of either wits or blood - he thinks over all of it, something Alus lacks. And despite being much less prone to trust than the willingly naive Alus, he can find the good in just about anybody when it really comes down to it. Arc knows the dark side of this world and is constantly aware and remembering of it, but understands it’s still worth fighting for. He’s also got a pretty good fashion sense! He seems extremely shady when it comes to his bar business though... It seems to be played up as a joke, but you’re never quite sure as you’re talking to him about it.

Ideal best friend? In assumption this means ‘a best friend besides Arc’, I think Alus’ standards are low. Of course, he’d love to have someone who shares his basic interests of aesthetics and his moral philosophy that centralizes on a love for humanity, and the honor and strength of action to act on it, but he also wants to know someone who can teach him a lot. I think that type of person could be absolutely anyone, especially someone that is nothing like him. Alus doesn’t want to necessarily completely change himself through the journey of knowing anothers’ life, nor change someone else entirely either, even if it’s for the better. He just wants mutual understanding with others. He finds a joy that can be found nowhere else when he feels two people, who don’t have anything in common, can find a common ground. This kind of thing excites him. I think something in-between -- someone who is a lot like him in a lot of ways, but has a few traits he lacks completely -- is ideal for him.

Describe their other friends / Describe their acquaintances. (combo’d) Alus doesn’t really have other people he regards true friends, I think. He kinda regards every person he meets as his friends. That’s really all there is to it for him.

Do they have any pets? No pets, just a lot of animals that follow him around for food scraps and snacks. He always has an open window for birds and butterflies, and an open door to dodos and chickens and stray cats. He enjoys the company of birds the most, though he’s a fan of the loyal doggy too. In terms of his mounts - He mainly only claims ownership over his military-issued chocobo for paperwork purposes, but regards her as a friend without a voice more than an animal under his ownership.

Who are their natural allies? Anyone who agrees for humanitarian rights, I think. Alus just exists to be a hero, really.

Who are their surprising allies? People he once fought. He always reaches out a hand for people who’ve made mistakes and tells them that he’ll be their friend if they agree to stop their mean-spirited behavior.

Past and Future

What was your character like as a baby? As a child? Equal combination “good kid” and “absolute little shit”; On the surface, he’d always be loyal to his father and polite to strangers, but the second he and his brother got some time to themselves they’d get into all kinds of shenanigans - especially if they manage to find some way to conceal their identity. Most of those shenanigans were pranks trying to scare people with All Saint’s Wake-esque props. They were also a time they were absolutely not above purposely trying to confuse people on which brother was which whenever it was convenient or just funny.

Did they grow up rich or poor? Poor, but I think he still thought himself as lucky. He might not have had a big room to himself or a lot of possessions, but he got to travel the world and meet so many interesting people and see so many interesting things in his father’s caravan.

Did they grow up nurtured or neglected? Nurtured for sure. His family were joined at the hip.

What is the most offensive thing they ever said? I’m sure Alus used to have a potty mouth when he was a kid and young teen. He picked it up from being exposed to so many different individuals growing up. If he’s been around a lot of sailors in Lima Lominsa, I think it’s a safe bet that he probably swore like one too. After his father died that changed almost immediately though in order to honor his dad’s memory.

What is their greatest achievement? I’m sure there’s much more impressive individual achievements he has accomplished - monsters he’s fought, hostage situations he’s negotiated, villains he’s managed to persuade to become heroes, but if you asked him, he’d tell you that simply being lucky enough to be chosen to become one of the Warriors of Light or opening his cafe are the achievements he’s most proud of.

What was their first kiss like? [spoiler]Still haven’t had it![/spoiler]

What is the worst thing they did to someone they loved? I feel like even though Alus adored his father, he probably did a lot of things to make him worried or stressed out, maybe even ran away once or twice just for the fun of it. It was a lot more innocent time for Alus and I don’t think he’d do anything like that in adulthood.

What are their ambitions? Alus just wants to end all war. Full stop. It’s not that complicated. He doesn’t really know the most effective way how to, though. He just keeps doing whatever he can when people request his help - which usually ends up taking advantage of his physical combat skills.

What advice would they give their younger self? Cherish this time. Hug your father and tell him you love him more often. And maybe focus on being a medic or someone who helps the world peacefully more than someone who uses violence to solve the world’s problems. Maybe care a little more about politics.

What smells remind them of their childhood? Chamomile, road dust, seasalt, and old fancy dusty antiques.

What was their childhood ambition? To grow up to be a glamorous warrior that saves the world again and again and to rescue a pretty princess.

What is their best childhood memory? Dancing on the streets of Ul’dah with his brother for a little extra pocket money and becoming unexpectedly popular.

What is their worst childhood memory? Losing his father to the calamity and being passed between temporary foster homes again and again, then finally losing his brother in that mess, too.

Did they have an imaginary childhood friend? Alus left out honeyed milk for faeries all the time as a child. Post-calamity, he started to quietly make-believe that faeries and little unicorns visited him when he was particularly lonely or bored, or just wanted to escape his own mind for awhile.

When was the last time they were crushed with disappointment? [FFXIV POST-STORMBLOOD SPOILER]Hearing about Zenos’ body being revived against Zenos’ wishes for a perfect death.[/SPOILER]

What past act are they most ashamed of? Any time Alus can’t save someone from death. Sometimes, Alus must be the one to kill them himself. This is an unbearable sin to bear for him.

What past act are they most proud of? Any time he can save someone. Any time he can help the suffering of someone by giving a little coin. Every time he has made someone smile. It is all the most cherishable, wonderful memories to him. None better than the others.

Has anyone ever saved their life? His twin brother Arc probably on at least a weekly basis. I think saving eachothers’ lives is a regular thing on a battlefield, even if your ally is basically a stranger.

Strongest childhood memory? Just sitting underneath the stars, curled up under a blanket with his brother while they rest their head on their father’s lap as he reads them bedtime stories.

Love

Do they believe in love at first sight? Absolutely. Guy will trust anyone at the drop of a hat, why not fall in love, too?

Are they in a relationship? Not officially, no. I think he casually flirts a lot and has gone out on sporadic dates with many people, but he hasn’t become anyone’s “steady”.

How do they behave in a relationship? Alus is extremely inexperienced. I think he’ll end up trying so hard to show off to whoever he’s dating that he’ll become exhausted. He wants to treat his future spouse like royalty.

When did you character last have sex? [SPOILER]Never![/SPOILER]

What sort of sex do they have? Nothing kinky or out there, he’s a shy confused mess to begin with when it comes to sex - he’s probably very reserved and traditional about it. I should note that Alus is canonically asexual, even if he doesn’t fully realize it yet. He doesn’t really understand the appeal of sex but he’d want his significant other to be happy. [NSFW/18+] He’d definitely insist on being a top, though. [/SAFE!]

Has your character ever been in love? As an greyromantic writer, I have no fucking solid idea what romantic love is supposed to be defined as. If you define it as ‘fantasizing about having a certain person in mind as a future spouse’ then, yes, Alus has been in love loads of times.

Have they ever had their heart broken? Many times, but it rarely gets him down for too long - he’ll fall in love with the next person he sees, then the cycle restarts.

Conflict

How do they respond to a threat? A fake, forced smile. Explaining calmly to the enemy that what they’re doing is wrong. Explaining calmly to the enemy to drop it and go drink tea with him instead. If being calm doesn’t work, yelling at them about their hypocritical morality like some sort of shounen superhero making a speech.

Are they most likely to fight with their fists or their tongue? Tongue, for sure. Alus will be so painfully reasonable with his enemies that the only way he’s drawing his sword to fight is someone else draws first.

What is your character’s kryptonite? Like any hero, he’s a sucker for hostages. Also, math completely turns him fucking stupid. [SPOILER]Also... having his morality questioned, especially being accused of being a hypocrite.[/SPOILER]

If your character could only save one thing from their burning house, what would it be? A faerie tale storybook from his childhood his father read to him often when he was alive.

How do they perceive strangers? “A friend he doesn’t know yet.”

What do they love to hate? I don’t really imagine Alus truly ‘hates’ anything or anyone, just greatly dislikes or disapproves of them. And even then I think he doesn’t particularly enjoy disliking them. I don’t think he views negative feelings as something to be prideful over.

What are their phobias? Slugs and other slimy creatures, as well as mild situational claustrophobia.

What is their choice of weapon? His fists, for sure; there’s some sort of philosophy inside his mind that fighting with his bare hands or body without tools or weapons to aid him is the ultimate form of respect towards other human beings’ pain and livelihood - he wants them to know he shall feel pain right back if he strikes someone else, and he’s allowing himself the possibility to be hurt in return.

What living person do they most despise? I think anyone who justifies war or pain as a glorious and wonderful thing instead of a tragedy is someone he dislikes. Especially if said person has no respect for human life or the bodies of the fallen.

Have they ever been bullied or teased? Plenty. Unfortunately mostly his given name is particularly targetted. He’s also been called too soft plenty of times.

Where do they go when they’re angry? Home - his house is well soundproofed and cozy. He may go on an off-trail walk alone in the middle of Thanalan or the like.

Who are their enemies and why? The Garlean army, the Ascians.. do you really need to ask why? They wish to create death and chaos, that’s plenty of a reason enough.

Work, Education and Hobbies

What is their current job? Maelstrom military field medic, café proprietor, free paladin

What do they think about their current job? The café is seemingly always empty, but he doesn’t mind continuing to pour money into it. It’s a safe haven to him and a symbol of his independence from the violent life of military duty. Being a field medic is endlessly horrifying, but he’s glad he can help people. His status of Free Paladin makes him obligated to carry out duties to help Eorzea, which is something he’s proud of - but he is always not all that great at drawing his sword at the sign of trouble.

What are some of their past jobs? The only other “jobs” Alus has had in the past were mostly just side jobs for a little extra pocket money, mostly dancing on the street.

What are their hobbies? Dancing, capoeira martial arts, piano, tea brewing, baking, reading, writing, sketching, watercolor art, goldsmithing, fashion, bird keeping.

Educational background? Went to a school for accounting for a few years. He retained absolutely no information about accounting.

Intelligence level? Literate; can read older more complex texts easily. Good with maps. More of a “physical education” kinda guy.

Do they have any specialist training? Paladin training. Nothing else formal.

Do they have a natural talent for something? Weirdly incredibly good at parkour - stuff like navigating tightropes and climbing up buildings without any hesitation or struggle.

What is their socioeconomic status? At the moment, Alus is pretty well-off. He and his brother own their own business in the Lavender Beds, and Alus can afford high class clothes, hobbies, furniture and the like. He’s also prone to donate to charity near constantly.

Favourites

What is their favourite animal? whatever birds are ROUND

Which animal to they dislike the most? S L U G S

What place would they most like to visit? His cafe, honestly. It’s a safe haven.

What is the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen? People.

What is their favourite song? Simply Satie

Music, art, reading preferred? Alus loves playing piano, drawing sketches and reading storybooks. I don’t think he could trade one for the other! (He’s awful at singing though.)

What is their favourite colour? Pale blue, white, yellow-gold, and pastel pink.

What is their password? “Password”. Nobody will ever get it!

Favourite food: La Noscean toast! (AKA French toast!) with lots of berries and whipped cream!

Who is their favourite artist? ??? ((OOC: if Alphonse Mucha was in FFXIV it’d be him idk))

What is their favourite day of the week? E V E R Y D A Y (but probably mostly Sunday)

Possessions

What is in their fridge: Fresh salad, fruits, fresh berries, vegetables, tofu, jackfruit, orange juice, leftover strawberry shortcake, protein shakes, leftover rice, eggs, butter, yogurt, frozen berries... and even fresh flowers?

What is on their bedside table? A dozen lighthearted fairytale and academic books on aether he recycles through reading every night as he goes to bed, a pitcher & glass of water, a vase with a flower in it, reading glasses, 3 inch tall lil stuffed dodo.

What is in their bin? Compost bin for old fruits/vegetables/egg shells/bread and a recycling bin full of paper and packaging garbage.

What is in their bag? A lot of coin, a hairbrush, a box of ice chilled flowers, travel-size beauty products, lots of fireworks and other fun little spectacle toys, a pocket-sized book of poetry, a basic armor polishing set, a miniature sewing kit, bandages, healing potions.

What is their most treasured possession? A very old and damaged book of fairy tales from his childhood.

Spirituality

Who or what is your character’s guardian angel? His adoptive father - at least, that’s what he wants to believe.

Do they believe in the afterlife? Yes! Very much so.

What are their religious views? [SPOILER]Alus has a complicated relationship with religion. For the most part of his life, he’s believed in The Twelve like every other Eorzean, but as he’s grown older he’s found himself more and more impatient and even disgusted of the cruelties that the gods allow to happen, and the ways followers of Nald’thal and Halone use their religion as a means to prey on the weak for the sake of money, classism, and racial disparity. Hearing the words of Garlean soldiers point out that proof that The Twelve exist is seemingly nonexistent has further disrupted Alus’ belief in them. Alus does, however, firmly believe in Hydaelyn.[/SPOILER]

What do they think heaven is? Alus has no true confident belief in what exactly the seven heavens are, but he likes to think heaven is a place where flowers bloom all the time, the weather is always warm and sunny, bugs don’t bother you and war and violence never happen, and relaxing tea parties are hosted all day long, clothes are comfortable and pretty and never soiled by dirt and mud no matter how much you play in the grass.

What do they think hell is? Like many Eorzeans, Alus believes in the seven hells. The seven hells are a place that one must climb out of to eventually make it to heaven, and depending on how bad of a person you were in life, the deeper in hell you start out in after you die, and the more you have to climb before you get upward into heaven. Alus finds great comfort in this ideology because it means that no matter how bad a person was in life, they may still find forgiveness and redemption in death.

Are they superstitious? I think he’s open-minded. He seems to discover so many legends of being real every day that it’s difficult for him not to believe in anything and everything he hears. He tries to be respectful of the unknown and follow their rules, but when push comes to shove it’s all about the grandest happiness for everyone - he will challenge whatever fae or ghostly apparition that wants to mess with him if he thinks what they’re doing is immoral or unfair.

What would they like to be reincarnated as? A stream. A rosebush. A rainbow. Something that others can look at and feel at peace, something for others to enjoy. A way to give love without living a life that inevitably creates suffering through heroism. To just exist as part of the beauty in the world.

How would they like to die? He doesn’t know. Death scares him. He does not want to die in battle. He does not want to die sleeping in a bed. But he wishes he’ll be old. He wishes he’ll have lots of friends. And he wishes he did everything he could while he was alive to make the world a better place as much as he possibly could.

What animal is most like your character, spiritually speaking? .... A golden retriever. Eager to please, extremely loving and loyal, a strong body, picky about weird things, and incredibly goofy.

Values

What do they think is the worst thing that can be done to a person? Betrayal?? torture?? bullying?? rape?? what do you want from me. He hates all forms of toxic and violent behavior!!

What is their view of ‘freedom’? The ability to form your own path; the ability to be whatever you want, even if the dream seems impossible to everyone else. The ability to go anywhere you want, walk and run anywhere you want, travel anywhere you want. The ability to say no when you want. The ability to be respected as independent.

How often do they lie? NEVER!!!!!!! He might bend the truth a little bit or side-step an answer but even white lies he’s not into. He rarely needs to white lie about anything anyway; he tends to see the best in everything.

What’s their view of lying? BAD AND UNNESSESARY

How often do they make promises? Constantly.

How often do they keep or break their promises? He 100% keeps his promises unless he’s literally physically incapacitated and in which case he will apologize and try to make it up to you so much

Daily life

What are their eating habits? Vegetarian. He eats really healthy and he eats a lot. Big fan of asian food I think. Has no problems eating stuff that’s bland as hell; I feel like it’s part of his determination to better himself. Has a terrible weakness for sweets, though. Secretly hates stuff that’s slimy, like mushrooms, but he will never complain if it’s given to him.

Do they have any allergies? Nope, he’s lucky. If he does, he hasn’t discovered it yet.

Describe their home. Very white, tons of gold nouveau trim on everything, and tons of flowers everywhere. Looks like the home of royalty. [Here’s his housing aesthetic.]

Are they minimalist or a clutter hoarder? Neither, I think. Maybe leaning closer to minimalist over clutter-lover; he likes everything being clean and easy to access in his house. His design aesthetic of nouveau isn’t necessarily minimalist in inherent style though imo.

What do they do first thing on a weekday morning? Wakes up extra early, takes a quick cool shower to wake himself up, eats a quick and simple breakfast full of protein; most likely something with a lot of nuts and eggs as it’s ingredients + big salad. packs a simple lunchbox and starts his day: Every morning, he walks to the statues of Nald and Thal, viewing the warm pink sunrise in the process. he pays his respects to each; cleans and dusts with a simple cleaning kit he’s left there prior. Leaves some simple offerings. Finds somewhere nice and empty in Thanalan to do some excercises and martial arts training for the day. sits down and eats lunch afterwards. lazily walks home, takes another quick shower to get the sweat and dust off. while his hair is drying, he puts on makeup and decides a proper outfit to wear for the day. meets up with arc, goes on their obliged military-issued mission for the day.

What do they do on a Sunday afternoon? Makes an effort to drag Arc over to his place for a big fancy dinner. Tea and crumpets as an early evening appetizer. Alus cooks everything while Arc hangs out and talks, lending a bit of help when Alus demands asks for him. Arc sneaks in alcohol. Alus yells at him. repeat next week.

What do they do on a Friday night? this but like, outside, alone, in the middle of thanalan somewhere

What is the soft drink of choice? If soft drinks existed in Eorzea I can’t help but feel like Alus is one of those freaks who don’t like any of them.

What is their alcoholic drink of choice? NO

Miscellaneous

What is their character archetype? This question originally linked to some basic archetypes, but I already have TVtropes collected and they’re far more interesting as an answer imo SO: [All-Loving Hero], [Reluctant Warrior], [Cloudcuckoolander], [Warrior Poet], [Stepford Smiler], [Motor Mouth], [Large Ham], [Stupid Good], [In Touch With His Feminine Side], [The Fashionista], [Light Is Good], [Flower Motifs], [Declaration of Protection].

Who is their hero? I don’t think Alus has a specific person in mind that isn’t fictional - fact is, nobody is as perfect as the type of person he strives to be. I think he finds traits of admirable heroism everywhere in people, though. Everything from his friends who fight for the good of the world no matter what, from the villain who unexpectedly saves someone while nobody else is watching, to the single mother who works hard to raise her children, to the homeless people who just continue to fight on to live even when everything feels so hopeless around them. I think he sees traits in others he wishes he had all the time. He wants to embody all the good traits of everyone. And I should mention, if one is to have a ‘hero’, it is expected that person to be better than one, yes? I don’t think Alus believes he’s particularly better than anyone else, especially in their positive traits.

What or who would your character dress up as for Halloween? Alus goes HARD on All Saint’s Wake. He and Arc’s signature best costume always ends up being these hyper-realistic ghost costumes that they trick out with special glamours, magic, and tech to surprise the passerby. If it doesn’t genuinely scare someone, it isn’t enough!

Are they comfortable with technology? I think he’s absolutely got the boomer brain when it comes to allagan technology. He can get by fixing old mechanical clocks and the like but when it comes to allagan stuff, he’s just absolutely out of his element. He’ll certainly listen if someone wants to try explaining it to him, but it’ll take considerable time before he fully “gets it” and usually when he does, it’s more on blind faith and an ability to follow basic directions more than true understanding. I think in general it just doesn’t really interest him and if he’s going to spend the time and energy to learn about it, he’d rather use that energy on his other interests - books, physical training, baking and the like. (Modern AU: He’s absolutely the guy still using an ancient flip phone because “It still works!” Also, he capitalizes and uses perfect grammar in all his extremely-hard-to-type number code texts.)

If they could save one person, who would it be? It’s a difficult question, because of course - the first person to come to mind is Arc. But the thing is, Arc can take care of himself. And Alus knows this. Alus trusts this. So when it comes down to choosing between Arc and someone less capable.. Alus will most likely help the less capable person. If Arc is hurt, Alus knows he’ll forgive him. But if Arc were to die? And it be Alus’ fault? It would utterly crush him.

If they could call one person for help, who would it be? Arc, of course. There’s nobody Alus would rather have by his side while dealing with problems.

What is their favourite proverb? “Since it is likely that children will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and courage.” – C.S. Lewis (Personally my fav proverb in thinkin about Alus is “Because the world is so full of death and horror, I try again and again to console my heart and pick the flowers that grow in the midst of hell.” – Hermann Hesse)

What is their greatest extravagance? This is kind of a depressing and even controversial answer, but it’s honestly any time he has ducked out from military duty with or without permission when all of it has just gotten to him too much. He knows that him not being there will be more of a problem than a solution - he knows that - but any moment he can just pretend, for a moment, that he’s just a normal man running a normal little girlish cafe during a time without war.. That’s his greatest extravagance.

What is their greatest regret? The amount of enemies he has been forced to down when talk wasn’t enough is piling higher and higher every moon cycle. It’s an absolute horror. He tries so hard to be nonlethal as possible. He’s studied so much how to avoid vital organs, how to down someone without hurting them badly, but no matter what there is always the chance of there being a prior injury he didn’t know about, or a undiagnosed medical problem that was just activated by the smallest knock.. That isn’t even to mention the people who have been hurt because the people he talked down didn’t keep their word or stood back up when he thought they’d stay asleep. No matter what, he just isn’t enough to save everyone. Why is it that no matter how hard he works to have this ideal of pacifism, it never works completely? Why is it never enough?

What is their perception of redemption? That the unwavering truth of this world is that people are fundamentally capable of change. He refuses to believe otherwise, no matter what. Perhaps it is an active choice instead of an instinctual one, nobody is certain for Alus’ mindful case. He believes the expectation for lifelong punishment for a past crime is petty and cruel, and in itself deters people from switching sides for the better. He believes anyone and everyone deserves the right to have the choice to right their wrongs at any time. Don’t misunderstand though - He understands sometimes people are far too gone for simply dropping everything they’ve done and that’s enough to erase their mistakes - he knows that some people can only find rightful redemption in the afterlife after execution, even if execution is not an ideal solution to stopping them in his eyes. But he prays for them. He’ll never give up on anyone.

What would they do if they won the lottery? Back into investments or savings to get an even bigger profit later. Alus knows how to play the smart long game. But uh... If the fates play a trick and he sees a beautiful fashion piece in a shop window, maybe that won’t last too long. He’s also notoriously overly generous with money to the needy, he spends money on service tips like pouring water out of a glass. Money is always moving, and if he starts to run low, he just works a little harder to get back to the comfort zone. He’s in a pretty good place in his life monetarily wise atm already.

What is their favourite fairytale? It’s difficult to answer this because I don’t know what sorts of stories exist in Eorzean canon! But I can say that the real-world 1986 manga “The Sword of Paros” is a huge inspiration to Alus’ character. It’s about a person born with the title of ‘Princess’ who believes to have been born the wrong gender, and does everything in their power to prove themselves worthy of the title of ‘Prince’ despite immeasurable odds against them from their family and their country. The hero also falls in love with a commoner woman who wishes nothing more to be loved by the idyllic image of a charming knight in shining armor that comes and rescues her, and their love is ultimately tragic as it’s also not recognized as valid.. but the prince never stops fighting for his title and the right of his love, and the ability for them both to be happy. Though the story ends without the ideal conclusion, the very concept of these characters fighting against all odds for something genuinely better for the whole world is something Alus is really all about. (Also, seriously, read this manga. It’s groundbreaking. It’s Utena done right.)

What fairytale do they hate? Any faerietales that have unhappy endings, or seem to focus strongly on tragedy or pessimistic ideas of realism in the world. That tends to fall into the category of ‘cautionary tales’ most the time. He’s also really not a fan of stories with body horror or gore.

Do they believe in happy endings? I think he believes that happy endings should always be the goal, but I don’t think he truly accepts that they actually exist. He understands that happiness and safety is always temporary, and this is why he should always strive to make the world a better place. If he helps someone get to a point that they’re happy, healthy, and safe - he’ll just move on to the next person who needs his help. A happy ending for himself though? I think he’s not confident in it, but he wants to live every day to the fullest as he can before he dies. He accepts this as part of his duty - he knows he’s living on ultimately borrowed time.

What is their idea of perfect happiness? Being in love, being surrounded by people you love, having the support of others you trust and having the ability to spoil the people you care about. Having a home you’ll never be kicked out of.. And no war that you have to leave to. No people you have to harm. Just the peace to drink tea with your former enemies as you gaze out onto flowers on a warm day... That’s all he ever wants.

What would they ask a fortune teller? I think he’s concerned if he’ll ever someone to truly share his life with besides his brother. He just really wants a good friend.. Ideally, someone attractive he can hold the hand of!

If your character could travel through time, where would they go? Before the Calamity. He’d just want to listen to his father tell him a few more stories again. He misses the peacefulness of his childhood, the certainty that someone out there stronger than him loved him and wanted to keep him safe, the ability to ignore his own call to war... He wouldn’t so selfish to want to try and bend fate enough to save his father, though he would if he had the chance.. But he knows it’s impossible.

What sport do they excel at? (Modern AU) He was definitely a cheerleader in highschool and/or college, I feel like. Probably into dancing! And ofc a dedicated martial artist. I feel like he’d be pretty good at football and wrestling too - games that require a bulky build to be great at - but he just doesn’t have a particular interest in either of those.

What sport do they suck at? (Modern AU) Probably stuff like archery and tennis - not only would he’d thrive better in big team sports, he’s just not much for long-range dexterity. He’d also be absolutely incompetent as an esports competitor lmfao.

If they could have a superpower, what would they choose? Anything that was especially effective at saving peoples’ lives. Time travel to stop mistakes before they happen or say the right thing before a war breaks out, super effective healing powers... anything. Just to stop suffering and death.

#meme #alus beauregard #ffxiv rp #this literally took me like 4 months to complete fuck

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slashertalks · 4 years ago

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I think the most enjoyable thing to me about film review is how fluid it is. Not only is the medium, by nature, ever-changing, but with personal experience comes a shift in opinion that can change perspectives so much it requires a completely new piece. Though this work is not coming out of so drastic a change, it is coming out of a desire to rectify something put forward in my previous SAW review. Similarly, it is a statement of something core to my beliefs with all my reviews: that “bad” films are not always truly bad. Often, they’re quite enjoyable.

Now, I should put forward my frame of reference for this, in the form of two facts. The first: my current hyperfixation is SAW. The second: the only two SAW films I’ve seen are the original, and SAW 3D. Do with this information what you will, but I think it’s important to acknowledge that what I’m writing comes from a place of intense personal passion, and simultaneously intense disinterest. See, when I say SAW, I mean specifically Doctor Lawrence Gordon and Adam Faulkner-Stanheight. To a lesser extent, I am also fixated on the production, but that’s relatively common for me. The technical, visual aspects of a film are often just as important to my enjoyment of it as anything else— I’m more inclined to enjoy a film with physical effects and mechanics, both of which SAW has plenty.

This piece is serving as both an expansion on my original short blurb on SAW, and an acknowledgement that SAW 3D is not, as I put it, the horror equivalent of “a daytime soap opera.” It is, quite simply, a fun movie.

Do I have any background in any of the characters beyond Dr. Gordon himself? Not in the slightest— I’m coming into this movie with no expectations for how Hoffman or Jill Tuck should behave. This is, perhaps, a flaw of my own attention span. I tend to jump about through franchises: for years, I’d only seen the first and third Friday the 13th movies. I still haven’t seen the second or sixth Nightmare on Elm Street. My viewing history is filled with maybe somedays, films I’m certain I’d enjoy, most often part of franchises I know I like, but I just don’t have the motivation to sit down and watch them. Saw 2-6 and Jigsaw are part of this category.

What does that make SAW 3D, then? Lacking background in characters beyond Lawrence, whose appearance is unfortunately limited, what do I get from what was supposed to be the close of the franchise?

Not much, quite honestly.

SAW 3D is not a film rich in much. Beyond a trap made of an entire building which feels a little too poetic for Hoffman to have made (judging, again, by my admittedly-limited knowledge of the character), and an enjoyably gruesome trap made for a group of neo-nazis (I SQUIRMED watching this one!!!! SQUIRMED!!!! I can’t remember the last time I had to look away from a movie!!!!!! Even on a second viewing, I had to close my eyes at this part! Can you tell how exciting that is?), SAW 3D feels rather slapped together. I’ve heard as well that the director had no desire to actually direct the film, which makes things difficult.

What does a film do when saddled with an unwilling director? Its best, of course, and SAW 3D is still a valiant enough effort. Is it a masterpiece? Not by any stretch of the word, but it’s fun. This here is why horror is one of my favorite genres! SAW is a masterpiece of modern horror, a reflection of the magic of A Texas Chain Saw Massacre! A rarity! A gem! I couldn’t be more enthusiastic about this film. SAW even surpasses Texas Chain Saw in one area: the actors, director, and staff had fun making this movie! I will always sing praise for Texas Chain Saw; it is the film I consider the penultimate horror movie, unsurpassable in its legacy. It captured a sort of magic in how gut-wrenchingly horrific it is with such minimal blood: it’s all psychological.

As previously said, I feel that SAW captures that same magic. The film has minimal gore, a byproduct of its limited budget, but is remembered as much more brutal than it actually is— it became the springboard for a franchise absolutely drenched in disgusting moments. SAW 3D’s neo-nazi trap is chief among them, for me (that back glue? good GOD man....). Yet, where the cast of Texas Chain Saw have many painful, sweaty, exhausting moments to remember (the actor who played Nubbins was a veteran and has stated that his time working on Texas Chain Saw was worse than his time as a soldier), the cast of the original SAW had a blast, proven by an audio commentary filled with James Wan, Leigh Whannell, and Cary Elwes all poking fun at each other (and a ridiculously goofy Marlon Brando impersonation from Mr. Elwes — I genuinely can’t recommend the commentary enough).

Even separated completely from my personal passion for the film, it’s an amazing feat for me to sit here and say to you all that a film has, in one instance, surpassed for me my pinnacle of horror. How often does that happen?

Yet, I still haven’t completed my thoughts on SAW 3D. Circling back, I have to laugh. I’ve unintentionally mirrored my own Texas Chain Saw viewing pattern with my SAW viewings: for quite a long time, I’d only seen Texas Chain Saw and TCM: The Next Generation. If you’ve been here long enough, you’ve seen me mention TNG time and time again. To recap, for those of you who may be seeing my writing for the first time: it’s a genuinely HORRIBLE film. It is, however, a favorite of mine— enough so that I own it on DVD, now. TNG is a purposefully bad film, created with the intent of antagonizing the viewer and calling to attention our pattern of complacent viewership. In my original piece on TNG, I state that “my problem with modern horror is that it’s loud, the violence is gratuitous and charmless ... because supposedly that’s what a Modern Viewer [sic] wants. TCM4 takes these things, grinds your nose into them, and says ‘fuck you, you want this? here'” (source). Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation defies the conventions of modern horror in a deeply obnoxious, yet thought-provoking way. SAW 3D... does not.

SAW 3D’s greatest problem is, perhaps, that it’s exactly what audiences demand. Though I must admit the 3D is tasteful, and I’m grateful for that, the fact remains that the movie lacks innovation. While it doesn’t necessarily need to innovate as the close of a franchise, I ultimately think it’s ridiculous to have tried to close the franchise at all. As much as I hate the trend of reboots and remakes in the modern market, particularly modern horror, I must acknowledge that studios will milk a popular franchise for all that it’s worth, and sometimes more (I’m looking at you, SyFy Pumpkinhead sequels).

SAW 3D is the victim of an unfortunate situation. An over-saturation of SAW films in the market meant waning popularity, coupled with a fanbase still dedicated enough to want a finale, and a director lacking interest in the project (we all get tired of things, no matter how passionate we may be in the beginning— I hardly blame anyone for being tired of the franchise after the way they churned those films out). This isn’t to imply any of the films are bad, especially since I haven’t seen them! There is, however, an undeniable pattern to horror films which has persisted since the 70s and 80s: horror franchises tank after 3-5 films. Some are lucky, some less so, but the range of 3-5 films seems to be the golden one for horror. For a movie franchise, seven films is comfortably beyond that, and SAW 3D is misleadingly the seventh film.

For as much as I’ll happily sit down and watch it, SAW 3D puts nothing forward and asks nothing in return. A franchise that started with such a dramatic bang went out with a fizzle (or would have, if not for Jigsaw and the upcoming Spiral). It’s enjoyable to see the reverse bear trap used. It’s enjoyable to see Lawrence again, and to watch Hoffman lay on the ground and get poked (quoth the reviewer: get his ass, Larry). It’s... fun, but it’s cheap fun. It’s fast food horror. I’m happy to have it once in a while, but the late 2000s to 2010s were oversaturated with similar films. I want more from a movie meant to close out something as dramatically influential as SAW, something so enrapturing! Something which I can confidently say exceeds Texas Chain Saw Massacre in one important area! Damn it, the SAW franchise deserved better than this!

Maybe it’ll get it, with the Spiral reboot coming out. Maybe it won’t, who knows? I’m interested to see how Spiral plays out, and I have surprisingly high hopes. Between that and the Candyman remake, there are a lot of “re-” horror films I’m genuinely looking forward to. I haven’t felt this way about a horror re-anything since Evil Dead in 2013, and I’m feeling cautiously optimistic. We’ll see what the future holds — hopefully something that’ll be handled better than the original franchise was, though I don’t think Hollywood will ever learn to distinguish a dead horse from a live one. They’ll just keep beating and beating every horse in the stable. Perhaps I’m really a pessimist about all this, but again: personal experience. I’ll keep my cautious optimism up, and keep an eye out. I’m planning on watching Dying Breed and Cooties soon (two films with Leigh Whannell in them), so expect at least a short blurb on those two, and who knows? Maybe you’ll see something big about Spiral in the future. After all, if even a fizzle like SAW 3D can make me squirm even now, I think there’s a lot of hope to be had.

#saw 3d #saw the final chapter #saw

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darkestwolfx · 5 years ago

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Long Haul - Re-Review #48

Okay, I think I managed to reply to most people yesterday, but I had over a hundred odd notifications to scroll through - so if I missed your comment, I’m really sorry! So, moving on to today’s review.

It’s all nice and steady, business as usual, and there’s even some lovely peaceful music until we get to the ‘duh-dun’ part and in comes trouble.

“All ships divert from bay 2:1 and await further instructions.”

“Bravo Two Four, I gave an order to divert.”

“Sorry control, missed that.”

Okay, it wasn’t their fault, as such, there’s very little you can do about radio interference, but these things will happen and cause chaos. At least it wasn’t deliberate for once!

“We hit something! How bad is it?”

“We’re going into meltdown!”

That bad is your answer, mate.

“Space Hub One, come in. This is International Rescue. Do you need assistance?”

“This is Controller Conrad. Our core is ruptured, the coolant unit is leaking, and we’re going into meltdown. Apart from that, everything is fine.”

Yes, that makes everything sound just peachy! I wouldn’t cool that everything is fine. Apart from what? Everything is dying on you basically. Meltdown is pretty... finite?

“Do you have an EVAC in progress?”

“Yes, I’m riding the power controls to buy time until everyone is out. But I’m only delaying the meltdown. I can’t stop it.”

“Alan, you reading this? You need to get up there.”

“FAB John, I’m on my way.”

Hooray for Thunderbird Three! Although, did Alan leave with any plan other than to get Conrad who was going to evacuate anyway? It seems like John was predicting a rescue would be needed here, which isn’t a bad thing, I just wasn’t entirely clear on the reasoning. On the one hand, you’ve got predicting something before it happens which is great; but on the other, you’ve got acting too soon, which then dragged Thunderbird Two up, when maybe Virgil could have just gone with Alan? I know it’s all for the sake of story, so I’m not going to dwell here for long.

“Conrad, time to get out of there.”

“Okay, I’m heading out.”

Apparently, according to the writers with their hands of God, you are not!

“Alan, Conrad was still on board when the comms went down. He was about to evac, but I don’t know if he made it.”

“If he’s there, I’ll find him. I got him! But he’s not moving, and life signs are very weak. One wrong more and the whole thing will break apart.”

Just to my penny’s worth in here, very cheery start to the episode! No, really, it was nice to see an episode which did just get straight down to business and save the humour for later, really heightened the tension. I do love episodes where we just get to dive right into the deep, there’s something rewarding in them me thinks.

“This is the duty log of Space Controller Conrad, Space Hub One. I’m running out of air and time. I don’t know if anyone will hear this... I hope everyone else made it out. This is all my fault, I should have spotted that cruiser. I’m sorry.”

I really liked this guest character! They gave us so much backstory for him too and the music! I just loved it all. I will be honest, teared a bit at that speech. It’s like he was leaving a message on the log, expecting it to be his last, expecting to die there, and still thinking of others regardless.

“Brains, how do I get into this thing?”

The music behind this conversation was also awesome!

“You can’t cut through. That chute is designed to withstand meteor hits and collisions with space debris. And I’ve got worst news.”

“Of course you do.”

“Oxygen levels have reached critical. Conrad is running out of air.”

Skipping a bit here and keeping the focus on these two, all alone in space - I really felt for Alan and Conrad here. They were so close an yet so far.

“Alan, I don’t want anyone else to be put in danger because of me.”

“Hey, we’re International Rescue. It’s what we do! And I’m gonna stay right here until we open the door.”

Alan really has grown. If this mission had been put on him in Series 1, I don’t think he would have been able to cope, what with his focus then on being able to go on missions, and being allowed to spread his wings. Series 2 for Alan is really an example of how he begins to balance his love and excitement for what he does, with a practical working attitude like his brothers. and actually, he is really good at in this episode.

“So, Conrad, how do you become a Space Controller?”

“You’re making conversation to try and take my mind of the meltdown, aren’t you?”

“Nooooo....”

He so is!

“It’s okay, I haven’t got anything better to do. I always wanted to see the world. I mean, really see it.”

Uh, perfect description of how John feels?

“Now all I want is to see my home again.”

“And where is that?”

“Slough. My family still live there. And they’re all heroes. My brother’s a firefighter, the other’s a paramedic, and my sister’s a police officer. Do you have any idea how much pressure that is?”

Uh, perfect description of Alan? Of course he knows what that feels like.

“I can try to imagine.”

“I just wanted to make them proud of me. I mean, space! That’s a pretty big deal right? And I blew it. I didn’t react fast enough.”

“It was an emergency situation. You responded as fast as you could and you got everyone out safely.”

“Everyone but me.”

One of the most emotional discussions in TAG? i think so. And it didn’t matter that it was involving a guest character, because they said everything which needed to be said. The Tracy boys may be our heroes, and they may battle with much higher levels to live up to, but there are families out there who have the same struggles. I really think this will have resonated with people out there. It’s hard to not resent elder siblings when you feel like they are constantly above you and we sort of saw Alan going through that in Series 1. Conrad was a good person for him to meet - this scene was thought-provoking, powerful, and reflective. Everything it should have been.

Now back to the whole Tracy Island interlude.

Personally, I love the silent moments we had which begun this scene. Virgil and Scott silently walking into the room, and the looks whilst they wait to find out whether they’re too late... I really felt that. Sometimes we don’t need words in a scene to convey emotions. I mean, did you see the way Alan’s shoulders dropped when he thought there wasn’t going to be an answer, and the way the boys looked at Brains? Said it all.

“Then we need a plan fast. The temperature is still rising and we’re running out of time before the whole thing blows!”

“Ok, Brains, give us a run down of our options.”

“I admire your optimism in thinking we have more than one.”

Brains, please try not to pessimistic for one episode? It’s hard, I know, and it’s ironic of me to ask him that, because I am also a pessimist so would probably be doing the exact same! Ironic, I know, but really, that got me.

“Without a working coolant unit, the power core will keep overheating until meltdown. But it’s too damaged for repairs. we need to replace it.”

“Ok, where do we get a replacement?”

“Right here. We use the same cooling system for the power system on Tracy Island. And I have a back-up.”

Of course he does, this is Brains we’re talking about! Always ready, like a Scout right? I wasn’t a Scout, so I might be wrong on that one.

“Great! Problem solved.”

I love how Scott was turning to leave, striding away all purposefully to go and get everything!

“It’s not that simple. That coolant unit is massive. The one at the space hub was transported bit by bit. It took weeks.”

“And we don’t have weeks. Is there a vehicle that could take it in one piece?”

“Thunderbird Three, but-”

And we all know what’s coming next!

“But disconnecting it from the hub means no life support for Conrad.”

Thank you, Scott.

“You said we had one option?”

Yes. Yes he did. Shall we find out what it was?

“Thunderbird Two could carry it.”

“Uh.. I think you’re forgetting the whole ‘in space’ part of the mission. Thunderbird Two is not a space ship.”

Listen to Scott, ever the obvious! No, really I love how ‘eldest brother’ he acted in this episode.

“I think it could break free of Earth’s gravity and make it to the space hub.”

“You think? We need to be sure.”

See, big brother! I really love it when he acts like that.

“I don’t know about this, Virgil, what do you think?”

“Well, Scott, I think Thunderbird two is going into space!”

Space, Space, Space! I feel like it’s a new catch phrase! Let’s see how many times I can fit the word into this next section of the Review.

“Hey Brains, when you’re done here, can you make Thunderbird Four into a spaceship too?”

*Watch as Brains’ face literally lights up, and then Scott proceeds to crush his dreams. Payback for Gordon and the Panda?*

“Uh, let’s not get carried away here guys! Besides we need Thunderbird Four standing by as a submarine!”

“FAB. But could you blame a guy for asking?”

“Right!”

Look at those faces! Scott is sick of it already.

New version of the countdown? Love it.

“Thunderbird Two is go-ing into space! Woo-hoo! Going into space! Going into space! Going into space! Going into space!”

Virgil has been to space before, this is nothing new for him... except it’s in Thunderbird Two and that must be like his absolute dream! It’s one thing to go in Thunderbird Three with Alan as a co-pilot, it’s another thing entirely to take your own ship up, and on a maiden voyage of sorts. I love the excitement in this scene - and I’m a little surprised Scott didn’t admonish the whooping over the radio!

“Ok, but keep monitoring. Closely.”

Oh, wait, that’s why, he’s too busy worrying his every last nerve! Fairly so though, I think I would have done the same.

“Come on, old friend, you can do this.”

And the faith here? I don’t think I could ever have as much faith in technology and machinery as these boys do and I think that is a testament to them, what they do, and their equipment. Connections really do mean everything, and I know we had this discussion in one of the comment sections, but I think it really is possible that these 2060 epic works of machinery are sentient.

“Only a few thousand metres to go.”

“We made it!

And we have lift off! The dream is a reality.

“You have pizza?”

“No, I was joking.”

Meanie. Alan took you seriously. Although why I don’t know!

And the rescue is pulled off with success! Back to Earth we go, after another ‘Thunderbird; debate;

“This way, I get to ride in Thunderbird Two. I mean, it is the coolest Thunderbird.”

“Right?”

New catchphrase for Virgil?

“I’m choosing to ignore that.”

“Virgil, it’s your heat shields! They took took much damage on launch. Thunderbird two is going to burn up on re-entry!”

“Virgil, I’m coming for ya’!”

“It’s too late, Alan. Thunderbird Two is caught in Earth’s gravity.”

Yes, Scott, just shove Brains out of the way! I must admit I love that scene.

“Virgil, you guys have to bail out in the pod.”

“Negative, Scott. Can’t do it.”

“We can build another Thunderbird Two. We can’t rebuild you!”

That line still gets me. It’s so poignant.

“Eject, now!”

Virgil won’t do that. He’s a go down with your ship kinda guy.

“He’s right.”

And that is Brains’ way of saying that he should have thought of that! Really, Conrad is actually very, very smart. I think he should have been offered a job on the spot. I mean, that’s a pretty good interview performance, right?

“Conrad’s plan just might work.”

“Might?”

“It might definitely work!”

“I hope so.”

So do we all, Scott.

“Come on Thunderbird Two...”

And Thunderbird Two does. Hooray! The underwater landing was quite entertaining as well.

Now for a happpy shot.

“I should have reacted quicker.”

Stop being so hard on yourself! I think he’s one of the good ones.

“Hey, your quick thinking up there saved us. And Thunderbird Two.”

“So Conrad...”

Little shoulder bump! Love it.

“What’s next?”

“I’ll drop in and see my family in Slough and then it’s back to the Hub.”

He’ll have one heck of a story to tell.

“Hey Brains, how long would it take to re-fit Thunderbird Two to take Conrad back up to the Hub?”

“Thanks, but this time I’ll get a ride designed to go into space. Alan?”

“And which Thunderbird is the coolest?”

“Thunderbird Three is the coolest.”

“Yes, it is.”

He deserved a visit to the Island after saving Virgil’s (and his own of course) life like that. He seems like a really smart, switched on kid who just got stuck in the wrong place at the wrong time in a tough situation. I love episodes like this one because it reminds us that everyone on this show is human - even those in the Tracy family.

P.S. Shall we have the coolest Thunderbird debate? Now seems like a good time since the boys have instigated it. Stick your thoughts below if you want to!

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transamorousnetwork · 4 years ago

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How To Get Your Ideal Trans Partner In Bed

The easiest, most fun way to find yourself in a rewarding relationship with your ideal transgender partner is by becoming a match to your ideal. You do that by telling positive stories about life.

Speaking practically, telling positive stories creates positive life experiences. Consistent positive story telling creates momentum. Momentum held long enough, will draw your ideal partner right into your bed, guaranteed.

Simple experiments prove this. One need not understand or believe metaphysical or spiritual explanations for why this happens.

Think about it: if you want that beautiful, smart, confident, strong, capable courageous, proud and powerful transgender woman, and you are not beautiful, smart, confident, strong, capable courageous, proud and powerful, you’re not a match to what you want. You get what you think about, what you “be” about, i.e. what you tell stories about.

The stories you tell become who you are. From there, your life experience literally erupts from you, creating experience, people and events matching your stories. Everyone does this all day every day. Most don’t realize they’re doing it.

Why does life work this way?

Positive stories cause human senses to filter out anything not perceived positive. Again: our senses filter experience all day every day, allowing only experiences consistent with our persistent stories. Many transgender women, on balance, are fairly negative, so their life experiences match that.

Same with trans-attracted men’s stories about themselves, about life, probably and about transgender women. If one’s beliefs about trans women aren’t consistent with the trans woman one wants, guess what kind of trans woman one meets? If ones stories about themselves aren’t empowering, inspiring, positive and joyful, one gives off “vibes” consistent with disempowering, uninspiring, negative stories. It’s simple.

You may ask: What about people who seem positive? Why do they have seeming random negative events happen? Someone once told me a story of a trans woman they believed was always positive. She even practiced “the power of positive thinking”. Yet, someone murdered this trans woman.

The thing about creating reality is, one best knows what reality they’re creating in two ways: how they feel, and what shows up in their reality. It’s near impossible to tell what another has in their collection of stories by watching how they behave, or what they say. It’s much better watching how their life goes.

A lot of people who appear positive and happy, are not. They are insecure, lonely, they feel vulnerable, afraid and judged. Many seemingly successful and happy people exemplified this. Robin Williams, Freddie Prinze, Anthony Bourdain, Margaux Hemingway, Daniel Lee Martin, Philip Seymour Hoffman and many others struggled with pain and depression, finally taking their own lives when they appeared on the surface as “successful”.

So people usually have both positive and negative stories going on in their heads at the same time. Their lives include events exemplifying both.

Random negative experiences, such as getting robbed or raped, hit by a bus, or assaulted for being trans aren’t random. They come from long-term focus on negative stories or mixed stories with a negative ones outweighing positive ones.

The benefit of emotions

Often people can’t hear stories they’re telling. That’s why humans come equipped with emotions. Negative stories feel like “fear”, “insecurity”, “worry” or “victimhood”. Told often enough such stories become the person.

From the person then erupts experiences, people and events consistent with stories they’ve become. That’s why people get robbed, raped, hit by a bus or assaulted for being trans.

The same things happen for shame-filled trans-attracted men. Their negative stories about their attraction matches them to trans women who share similar (although not identical) stories. In other words, such men meet trans women who are not beautiful, smart, confident, strong, capable courageous, proud and powerful.

Often such feelings get past one’s perception because one focuses too much on what’s happening outside their head. Focus works best when it predominantly focuses on what’s happening inside one’s head first, since everything happening outside one’s head springs from what happens inside one’s head.

Negativity owes itself to positivity

Very few people chronically tell positive stories. There are many people, and a lot of trans women telling negative stories though. Everyone’s life matches their stories.

But even negative story tellers from time to time experience positive experiences. They do because a little positivity overwhelms tons of negativity. It does because negative “energy” isn’t an energy. Negative “energy” is what happens when positive energy gets diminished.

In other words, negative “energy” owes its existence to its relativity to positive energy. It has no substance, no independent existence of its own. It is defined by a lack of positivity.

What’s more, a chronically negative person still is, at the core, pure positive energy. That energy, no matter how obscured it may be by negative focus, still can overcome its overshadowed state when the negative-focused person drops their guard.

When he’s not paying attention, asleep or doing something “mindless” such as driving a car, taking a shower or experiencing something fun, positive focus’ power eeks through. That’s why a negative person can sometimes experience positive experiences.

Positive benefits feel fun

When I’m positive and excited by my positive stories, when I’m enthusiastic and eager about what I’m up to (or planning), I open up. I’m open to possibility, I see things consistently negative people can’t.

The world is full of delights.

Staying positive I produce results easily and fast. More important, on the way to those outcomes, I enjoy life more. That means life experience becomes more entertaining, more fun, more positive.

“Happy accidents”, what some people call “luck”, happen often for people telling positive stories. It’s not luck, but who cares what it’s called? Through such events problems solve themselves faster compared to focusing on the problem, trying to find a solution or trying to make a solution work.

When negative, one sees more negativity. Such focus turns things into “impossible problems.” When someone filters life through negative stories, the sheer enormity of bad things in the world overwhelms awareness. Every Transamorous guy becomes a “tranny chaser”. Every trans woman is a potential victim, every trans woman a guy meets ends up being a skeezer, working girl or gold digger.

A lot of people stand in such negative stories. Yet no such experiences need happen to anyone.

That’s incredibly naive

Someone reading this may not believe a bit of it. The majority of people believe negative situations described above are just natural parts of being trans-attracted, transgender or human.

I know, and my clients know, this is NOT NATURAL. Anyone well-practiced in telling positive stories discovers this.

A Positively Focused person knows her life experience springs ongoingly from her, not others. So she focuses on the one thing that really matters: her focus, not what others say, do or believe. Which is why my clients sometimes find their old friends getting on their nerves. My clients become so positive and their old friends’ chronic negativity so obvious, they become like oil and water: intolerable of each other.

They’ll be right because life experience springs from their stories. That doesn’t mean an alternative experience, one in which all desires fulfill themselves, including desire to have their ideal partner in their bed, doesn’t exist.

Momentum is momentum though. It takes a lot of work initially reversing negative-focus momentum. Since lives full of fulfilled desires are possible for everyone, that work pales in comparison to benefits derived, making the effort worth it.

Desires fulfilling themselves. It’s a life available to anyone, because everyone at their core is positively focused. It’s worth it. It’s fun and it’s everyone’s birthright. Even for trans and trans-attracted people.

Not living one’s birthright, in my opinion, is living. But just barely. Wanting that ideal woman in your bed is no fun if all you have is an empty bed.

But your bed doesn’t have to be empty.

#transgender #trans woman #Transamorous Network #transattracted #transamorous #mtf

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jenomark · 5 years ago

Note

Compared to debut to now, how do you think some of the members have changed in terms of who they are (more so from a growth aspect not in a bad way). It can be anything, ranging from style, personality, outlook on life etc. Also thank you for always answering my questions with a lot of thought! It makes my day when you reply to them! They’re like little reward to me 😊-🥰

+These are only my opinions, or my assumptions. This is not meant to be taken seriously!

Taeil: He’s one of those people whose core being never changes. From the start, he’s always just been himself. I will say that he’s expressing more confidence, he’s very outspoken about what he likes, and it also kind of feels like his overall personality became more positive.

Johnny: I think Johnny is one of those people who always seem confident even if they aren’t, so it gets hard to read him. He does seem more comfortable with his place in 127 than he was previously. I’m going to credit that to getting a little more lines, and him getting so much screen time during American interviews.

Taeyong: He’s not happy with just being good looking anymore. Watching Taeyong come into his own over the last year has been wonderful. He’s a little weird, and he’s owning it through his fashion, and his expression of dance. I think his writing is getting better, too.

Yuta: Maybe it’s just me, but he looks happier. He’s a lot more playful and smiley than he used to be. With opportunity, I think Yuta is getting comfortable with his role in the group. Also, he got 10x more sexier??? I don’t know where that sexy confidence came from, but I. am. here. for. it.

Kun: THAT CAPRICORN ENERGY. He’s slowly coming into the role of being a leader. I think people take him more seriously now, and I think that’s definitely affected his self-esteem for the better. Of course, the members will always mess around with him, but they can’t mess with his assertiveness.

Doyoung: He’s definitely a lot more sure of himself now. MCing and doing all of those extra activities outside of his schedule gave him a lot more belief in what he’s capable of. To me, Doyoung changes all of the time. I think he’s constantly learning and growing, facing fears and challenging himself.

Ten: His personality is exactly the same. I think we only see a difference when he’s around certain members. I think he’s experimenting more with his personal style judging by his airport looks. I’m still waiting to see more from him since we haven’t gotten much personal stuff over the last year or so.

Jaehyun: I kind of feel like his whole perspective has changed on a lot of things. I don’t know what those things are, but he carries this humbleness with him that makes me think he’s trying not to think too pessimistically. He’s working on himself a lot, both physically and mentally. I’m not sure he was taking care of himself that much before.

WinWin: Well, the obvious one is that he’s a lot better at expressing himself through different languages. I didn’t notice much change until he started promoting with WayV. Not to make anyone sad, but I really think that’s the best place for him. Like, his confidence levels are through the roof right now.

Jungwoo: He’s always going to be emotional and nervous, but I think he’s learning how to self-soothe. He’s taking those emotions and turning them into excitement, instead. Also, he has such a hunger for life. I don’t think it’s something he’s grown to have, but I like getting to see it more.

Lucas: I think he’s still the same, mostly. He hasn’t been around for that long. I do enjoy getting to see how he charms different people, how those people respond to him. He’s such a good person, and I feel very excited to see where his career takes him next.

Mark: Confidence!! He still has a long way to go, but the boy is a million times more confident when he’s making music. I’ve noticed that he steps up a lot when he’s in the studio, and that other members look for his direction. Other than that, he is almost exactly the same, like, he still carries a damn backpack around.

Xiaojun: Well, it’s only been a few months since debut. I like seeing the silly sides of him. I hope we get to see more sides of him, and I hope his confidence builds as he realizes how many people are there to support him.

Hendery: Similar to Xiaojun, we haven’t seen much. Pre-debut, I didn’t realize how goofy he would be. I mean, he seemed mischievous to me, but there is something so honest about who he is that it draws me to him. I can see he isn’t used to fame yet, but I think he’ll get used to it someday.

Renjun: It’s the confidence I notice most. People who appear confident aren’t always that confident in themselves. I do think Renjun has stopped beating himself up as much. I think his confidence is genuine most of the time. He’s also become serious about his art, so I’m hoping the company gives him a lot more opportunities.

Jeno: The physical changes are obvious. I don’t know why he’s getting so built, but I support it. It’s probably nice for his stress-relief. Growth-wise, I think he’s more observant, and more patient. He also has this vibe to him that makes me think he would make a good leader, and I think that is because of how patient he is.

Haechan: Everyone has noticed that he’s more mature than he used to be, his behavior is a little more tame. I know he’s only been an adult for a few months, but there is something so wild and free about him now that I can’t put my finger on why that is. He’s not holding himself back at all, well, he is a little bit, but I’m waiting for the day where he takes us all by surprise.

Jaemin: His personality is the exact same as when he debuted. When he had to take a year off, it could have really messed with him, but I think he survived that because he felt so much of the love fans give him. I think he’s brought that love outward, and is now repaying everyone with it.

YangYang: He confuses me, because I see a very mature young man, as well as a small child. I don’t know much about him yet, but I think he’s doing really well for himself. I think he’s exactly who he is supposed to be, if that makes sense.

Chenle: It seems like he has a better sense of the world. Watching him meet new people that are different from him is always exciting, because I can see his mind broadening in real time. He’s always been happy and carefree, and I think he’ll remain that way for a long time.

Jisung: I’ve mentioned this before, but going on those reality shows brought him out of his shell. He’s become more independent, and has really shown that he can be a star all on his own. He’s also mentioned that he thinks more about things now, and I can see that maturity on him.

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but-first--tea · 5 years ago

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LFRP: Kyraeth Vale

location: Crystal Data Center (Balmung)

full name: Kyraeth Aille Vale pronunciation: Keer-uh-eeth Awl-uh Vale (The Celtic origin of the name is Cyhiraeth, but I altered the spelling to make it more user friendly.) nicknames: Kyra height: 5'6" age: 27 (almost 28, her birthday is next month!)

languages: common, Sharlayan, can read some ancient languages but doesn't speak them

relationship status: single

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS

hair color: copper eye color: pale green skin tone: fair body type: lithe accent: Sharlayan, with definite Limsan influence posture: poised and confident scars: none visible accessories: a silver chain that bears a darkened crystal pendant which is typically always hidden from view

Traits

Extroverted / In Between / Introverted

Disorganized / In Between / Organized

Close Minded / In Between / Open Minded

Calm / In Between / Anxious

Disagreeable / In Between / Agreeable

Cautious / In Between / Reckless

Patient / In Between / Impatient

Outspoken / In Between / Reserved

Leader / In Between / Follower

Empathetic / In Between / Apathetic

Optimistic / In Between / Pessimistic

Traditional / In Between / Modern

Hard-working / In Between / Lazy

Cultured / In Between / Uncultured

Faithful / In Between / Unfaithful

Loyal / In Between / Disloyal

CHILDHOOD

Much of her very early childhood was spent moving from place to place as her parents avoided any potential pursuit for their crime. However, most of her memories are of growing up in Limsa, her father often at sea, her mother coddling her and worried about her frequent illness, and her older brother bringing back piles of books from Gridania to keep her occupied. Her life changed completely when a stranger calling himself Drutwas showed up and offered her the "cure" for her illness.

place of birth: Sharlayan

hometown: Limsa Lominsa, though she's spent the last two years traveling abroad

siblings: an older brother named Faolan, deceased 4 years ago

parents: Mathu and Irnan Vale. Irnan deceased 2 years ago

upbringing: by her highly overprotective family, reading as many books as she could get her hands on, and awaiting more tales of her "privateer" father's adventures at sea.

ADULT LIFE

Kyra's entire world changed when the cause of her frequent illness was "cured" by a man calling himself Drutwas. He was later revealed to be a lesser Ascian attempting to manipulate her to his own ends. Much of her adult life has been focused on attempting to free herself from his machinations, and finding a way to end him. After years of working toward this goal, her beloved Tay sacrificed himself, binding his own spirit into a relic that now serves as the Ascian's prison. She has promised to make his sacrifice worthwhile, and live the best life she can, moving forward.

Character RP History: located here.

occupation: soulcrafter/spirit healer (not advertised openly), aetheric researcher

current residence: Goblet

financial status: never seems wanting for gil, but doesn't flaunt it, either.

weapons: arcanima, being smart enough to avoid the fight in the first place, a sword that she doesn’t seem to know how to wield, its hilt wrapped in silk painted with warding sigils.

vices: reckless and impulsive behavior, a weakness for rum, a bit of hedonistic tendency

SEX & ROMANCE

sexual orientation: heterosexual, demisexual

preferred sexual role: switch

turn ons: strength, altruism, intelligence, emotional maturity, intensity, strong-willed, determined, kind, sense of humor, confidence, loyalty, time spent together, a bit of danger

turn offs: ignorance, immaturity, cruelty, drug dependence, submissive, overly charming/insincere, selfish, shallow, betrayal, overly materialistic

love language: trust, a willingness to allow the other to lead, physical contact, devotion, indulging

relationship tendencies: Kyra has experienced a great deal of hardship and loss, and has built up her emotional armor accordingly. While she's not snobbish or hostile, she's difficult to get physically or emotionally close to. She won't assume that anyone particularly cares for her without said person making it too obvious to brush off or ignore. She won't rush into anything. Any relationship with Kyra will be the result of a slow burn. She is monogamous by nature. If she actually physically touches someone voluntarily, it's a fairly significant act. Enjoy a challenge? Here’s your ship!

MISCELLANEOUS

hobbies to pass the time: reading, drinking tea, listening to musical performances, sight seeing/exploring/travel, learning any new skill no matter how random, anything she's never done before (within reason... usually). Currently trying to learn swordsmanship.

mental illness: oh, she has some serious emotional baggage, but nothing that would qualify as an illness.

physical illness: aetheric hypersensitivity, currently "cured"

left or right brain: balanced

self confidence level: situational. Typically very outwardly confident, no matter how she feels about the situation inwardly.

vulnerabilities: self-isolation, a lack of physical combat skill, vulnerable to physical contact

RP HOOKS

walking library: this woman has spent her life researching things as a coping mechanism. If she doesn't know the answer, she can probably tell you where to find it.

also a walking bomb shelter: she is protected with enough magical warding on her person you'd think she were expecting to be hit with a meteor at any moment. Paranoid, much? Anyone aetherically sensitive/trained is probably going to notice this and wonder... what the actual hells?

but... why? She carries a sword with her, always, but can -clearly- not wield it. Anyone experienced with a sword could tell that she's definitely not.

probably in need of a bodyguard: She has a lot of (sometimes rather shady) things she intends to do, and a lot of people/creatures in the way of said things. She’s not really a combat character, and it would go rather badly if she tried to do them alone.

spirit healer: this character focuses on healing non-physical ailments. MSQ has now made this accepted canon, as soulcraft \o/. However, I won't RP her showing up, fixing your problem instantly, and leaving. No heal-botting, please.

searching for an artifact: She's looking for a soulstone to replace one she's had taken from her, in hopes of gaining further insight. She'll chase down any rumors, hints, or leads no matter how bad the idea sounds. It probably won't even be the one she needs, but it's worth looking into all the same.

extremely curious: Have your own story arc? Kyra can’t seem to mind her own business, and can easily be drawn in! Want to hook our stories together so our characters end up working with each other ... or against each other as it plays out? I'm up for plotting and brainstorming!

open to shipping: While this is my one and only RP character and I won’t ship with alts, or engage in AU or multi-shipping, I am interested in potentially developing a romance for this character.

OOC

I am 40 years old, and I started RPing when I was 15. I prefer emotionally mature RP partners, and I have no tolerance for poor communication, toxic behavior, or drama. I am NOT interested in any OOC romance.

I am in the CST time zone, and I make my own schedule. I can be available for Discord RP at nearly any time of day, and in-game things anywhere from 8am to 9pm. However, I’m not a night owl and you won’t find me in game at all after 9pm.

While I don’t do hard core raiding, I do enjoy content. I can play most jobs, and I’m an omnicrafter.

I have a love for very long-term, complex story arcs that can take months, or even years to play out. I don't particularly enjoy "tavern RP" or random scenes that don't build up to anything. I do enjoy slice of life, but only when it's building the character dynamic between co-workers/friends/family/romantic partners. I prefer to put my time into building character connections with strong significance, and as such I'd rather not RP with rarely-played alts.

My character is located on Balmung, but I am happy to RP with characters located anywhere on the Crystal data center.

Discord: Kyraeth#4608

@balmungrp @ffxiv-crystal-rp @mooglemeet

#ffxiv rp #lfrp #crystal dc #balmung rp

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elyvorg · 6 years ago

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Kaito Momota: There’s More to a Hero

There’s a lot of things to like about Kaito as a character, but one of those things that I don’t see talked about nearly enough is his absolutely fantastic character arc. Yes, you heard me – while his main role in the story may seem to be to support Shuichi and Maki’s development, that doesn’t stop Kaito from having an arc of his own too. It’s technically not character “development” if you define that as a character growing stronger and overcoming their problems, since that’s rather pointedly not what happens with Kaito, but it’s nonetheless a progression that is a clearly deliberate part of the story. It’s just done very subtly – which is precisely why I like it so much and one of the biggest reasons Kaito is my favourite character in V3. I still enjoy character arcs that are fairly out in the open, like Shuichi’s and Maki’s are thanks to Kaito encouraging them to talk about things, but I enjoy delightfully subtle character writing even more, and that’s exactly what Kaito’s arc is.

So I’m going to talk about it. At great length. Strap yourselves in.

Before we get into Kaito’s arc in the actual story, though, there’s some things we first need to establish about Kaito’s worldview that are central to the way he acts during his arc.

Kaito’s paradoxical opinion on weakness

Kaito’s biggest priority is helping out other people, especially those who are weak and in need of support. He thoroughly advocates the idea that it’s okay to be weak, just so long as you can accept your weakness and work on overcoming it. Clearly he’s thought about this idea often enough that he’s even come up with his own way of framing it that puts a positive spin on things – the emotional weakness is your “enemy” that you have to “fight” by getting stronger. And as long as someone has made the decision to fight that enemy of theirs, Kaito will do everything in his power to help them through it, because no-one should have to carry their burdens alone. He’s so good and encouraging and supportive when it comes to helping others deal with their weaknesses.

And Kaito is so delightfully, excruciatingly hypocritical when it comes to applying any of this philosophy to himself.

He suffers an awful lot throughout the story – not only does he spend half the game slowly and painfully dying and being very much not okay about it (he can’t die here; he hasn’t even gone to space yet!), as someone who’s always trying to support and protect the people around him, he hates the fact that he hasn’t been able to stop any of the killings or save anyone or find a way out of here. If it were anyone else feeling this way, Kaito would be encouraging them to talk about it with their friends, because even if their friends wouldn’t necessarily have an answer for their problems, just sharing the burden rather than trying to bear it alone would help. Yet Kaito himself refuses to do so – he constantly, stubbornly insists that he is Completely Fine and definitely not dying and doesn’t have any kind of worries whatsoever.

Even if it’s difficult for him, Kaito should be willing to try and accept the “weakness” that he clearly considers his illness and inability to save everyone to be. His own advice, advice he gives to others numerous times, says that it’s okay to be weak as long as you can accept it, that accepting your weakness and talking about it with your friends is the first step to getting stronger. But Kaito refuses to accept his own weakness or share it with anyone – he doesn’t even really try to, as if the part of him deep down that realises he’s weak doesn’t even want to become stronger.

“I can’t show weakness in front of my sidekick…”

The best way to appreciate what’s at the core of this apparent contradiction is to look at Kaito’s Harmonious Heart event in the bonus mode. I’m delighted that this event exists to explore the topic of Kaito’s weakness and why he hides it, but I also think it’s quite reasonable that such a thing only happens in a non-canon AU. Kaito is so damn stubbornly determined to hide his weakness under all circumstances, especially from Shuichi, that it’s perfectly natural that this topic would only get explicitly addressed in an AU scenario where Shuichi literally gains mindreading powers.

Kaito’s problems in this AU are nothing compared to in canon – nobody has died, and he doesn’t have the virus, and he’s playing an active role in their escape just by befriending Shuichi. Yet even so, something as small as briefly worrying that they might be stuck here forever is enough for Kaito to berate himself over. He has such unreasonably high standards for his own “strength” that even a fleeting pessimistic thought that he immediately shoots down counts as being weak and not like him.

But the most important statement of them all is Kaito thinking, “I can’t show weakness in front of my sidekick”. All of the non-optimal outcomes of the event, which includes the two that don’t even target that statement, have a running theme of Kaito’s belief that showing weakness to his sidekick is The Worst Possible Thing that he could ever do. The second-best outcome, which results in a familiar show of Kaito insisting he’s Totally Fine and obviously not freaking out about this (which Shuichi can tell is not entirely truthful), has Kaito make a point of how he definitely wouldn’t freak out to Shuichi in particular – as if showing weakness to somebody else who isn’t his sidekick wouldn’t be quite as bad. In the second-worst outcome, where Shuichi agrees that Kaito doesn’t ever show him his weakness (and is probably about to follow up that he should), Kaito cuts him off by insisting that yes, that would be absurd. But since he can’t shake his negative mood, he’d rather leave than continue to risk showing weakness to Shuichi, even though this means passing up on a chance for them to hang out together. And the worst outcome happens if Shuichi tries to reassure him that it’s okay to be afraid sometimes, because all Kaito hears from that is confirmation that Shuichi has seen his weakness. He hates having made Shuichi worry about him and considers this to be failing his sidekick.

What we can gather from this is that Kaito hiding his weakness from his sidekicks is, strange as it may sound, him being really idiotically selfless. He is convinced that he must not under any circumstances show any ounce of weakness to his sidekicks, because that would constitute failing them as the person meant to support them and help with their problems. Clearly Kaito has a very specific definition of “sidekick” that is quite different to the usual one: he means it as someone whom the “hero” is supporting and mentoring through their issues, in which all of the help given is entirely one-directional, from the hero to the sidekick, and never the other way around. He believes that his sidekicks need to see him as this completely invincible pillar of support in order for him to be able to help them – that if they ever realised he isn’t so invincible and has weaknesses and worries of his own, they’d lose all faith in him and wouldn’t be able to be inspired by or depend on him any more.

The best outcome of the Harmonious Heart event happens when Shuichi correctly realises that the core of the issue is him being Kaito’s “sidekick” and deliberately moves the focus away from that. In Kaito’s definition, a hero can’t afford to show weakness to his sidekick lest he fail at properly supporting him – but Shuichi is also his friend, and friends are equals who can show weakness to each other and support each other because that’s what friends do. If Shuichi sees him as not just a pillar of support but also an equal friend whom he’s willing to offer support to, then Kaito showing weakness to Shuichi won’t constitute “failing” him. Learning this is enough to already make Kaito feel better, without him even needing to open up about the feelings that were bothering him in the first place – meaning that the thing that was really bothering him the most all along was the fear of letting Shuichi down. (He’s not lying when he says he’s alright now, because he does so in a much more subdued way than when he is Definitely Fine™.)

Which suggests that in canon, too, that very fear of showing weakness to his sidekicks and ending up unable to support them any more is in and of itself the biggest worry Kaito has. It’s bigger than any of the initial worries, like his impending death and his powerlessness, that he’s afraid of admitting to them in the first place. He would rather deal with those fears entirely by himself than risk letting his sidekicks down by sharing them – he’s so idiotically convinced that showing weakness would be failing them and so determined not to ever fail them that he is actively making his own suffering worse. Kaito is so incredibly, self-destructively selfless and I love it.

What it means to be a “hero”

Of course, Kaito’s conviction that he couldn’t ever support his sidekicks any more if he showed weakness to them is stupendously dumb of him. Even aside from the part where his sidekicks are also his friends and are willing to support him too, having weaknesses and struggles shouldn’t automatically make you a failure as a hero – if anything, it should be the opposite. If Shuichi had been aware of just how much Kaito was suffering and yet fighting through it to smile for their sakes, that’d most likely have inspired him even more. Obviously the heroes that struggle but keep fighting regardless are the most inspiring ones! What kind of stories has Kaito been reading that he believes heroes are only heroic if they always win without any trouble at all?

As it happens, the answer to this question does exist, in the form of Kaito’s second and third free time events where he tells of his heroic past “adventures” that turn out to be just make-believe games he played as a kid. These two events seem at first glance to be mostly extraneous – entertainingly ridiculous, sure, but apparently not that useful for helping to understand what makes him tick. But they do still have significance, because they show us Kaito’s idea of a hero – and it’s someone unrealistically flawless. His supposed adventures are just one big wish-fulfilment tale of him achieving cool feat after cool feat, straight from the mind of a child who’s yet to grasp the idea that showing a hero overcoming genuine difficulties and hardships makes a much better story than just showing them succeeding effortlessly in everything they do. Yet Kaito still tells this story as if it really happened. Obviously he knows it wasn’t real, but he talks as if he wants it to be, as if he doesn’t have any sense that it’s childish and over-the-top and way too simplistic to truly make a compelling narrative.

And at this point, I would object to the notion that Kaito never grew out of such simplistic stories and started appreciating more complex narratives as he grew up from that little kid into a young adult. Except that Kaito is a character in Danganronpa V3, and that means that he literally never did grow up like that. He began his existence as a high school student who saw heroes as being flawless and invincible when he was an overimaginative little kid and therefore still does now. In fact, I’m almost positive that the in-universe writers never meant for Kaito to have all of these weaknesses and issues that I’m talking about here at all. I believe Tsumugi saw Kaito as merely a narrative device to further Shuichi’s character development, and she gave him the virus not for the sake of his own storyline but so that Shuichi would eventually be forced to stand on his own without Kaito’s support. To that end, the only kind of backstory she wrote for Kaito was one of him being (or pretending to be) exactly the kind of idealised hero that she thinks would help inspire Shuichi, without giving him any kind of ongoing difficulties or weaknesses of his own to work through during the killing game. And so it’s pretty ironic that that’s precisely why Kaito ended up with so many issues and his whole delightful character arc – because he was ingrained with this unrealistically perfect standard for heroism that no actual human being could possibly hope to meet. Kaito is so harsh on himself and his own weaknesses compared to how accepting he is of everyone else’s because he’s meant to be the hero who inspires his sidekicks, and heroes aren’t supposed to be even the slightest bit weak.

There is one more exception to Kaito’s attitude towards weakness other than himself, and that’s Ryoma. You’d think Kaito would have acknowledged that Ryoma was weak and in need of support and reached out to him, like he does to everyone else who needs it. But he doesn’t – because, in his own words, he saw Ryoma as a hero. It’s not even a stretch to imagine that Kaito really did mean the same kind of impossibly cool hero as in his own childhood stories, given that Ryoma had freaking shounen anime tennis superpowers, and Kaito had probably heard about that. So Kaito holds Ryoma to exactly the same irrationally high standards of “heroism” that he has for himself: a hero must be invincible in order to be suitably heroic and inspiring, and if they show themselves to be weak and fallible and struggling, then they’ve failed anyone who ever looked up to them. Kaito doesn’t realise until it’s too late that Ryoma is someone he could have helped – maybe even saved – because he’s too hung up on the fact that Ryoma failed in his role as a hero. That hostility that Kaito shows towards Ryoma for being “weak”? Yeah, that’s exactly the same kind of thing Kaito would therefore be directing towards himself when he’s feeling weak too.

Putting Shuichi on a pedestal

So now that we’ve established Kaito’s worldview and his messed-up double standard about heroes, it’s time to get into his arc during the actual story. The main core of it is his hidden jealousy of Shuichi, and one of the two contributing factors to this is the way he comes to see Shuichi as stronger and more of a hero than himself.

There’s subtle hints that Kaito seeing Shuichi this way begins to happen as early as chapter 2, in fact. In their first training session, as Kaito explains why he’s doing this for Shuichi, he says that he’s been asking himself “Is the one Kaede entrusted her wish to really this weak?” and that it’s made him feel frustrated. The only other time Kaito uses the word “frustrated” to describe his feelings is when he’s admitting to his jealousy at the end, making me think that there’s a similar thing going on here, too. Shuichi showed incredible strength in Kaede’s trial, facing the truth – a truth that Kaito himself also struggled to accept – and saving everyone despite how much it hurt. Kaede entrusted her wish to Shuichi because she recognised that strength in him, that potential to continue to be the one who faces the truth and saves everyone.

Kaito’s frustration comes from the fact that Shuichi can be so strong in one sense but at the same time still be weak and in need of support in another. In Kaito’s worldview, people are one or the other: either they’re strong, invincible heroes who inspire others, or they’re weak and deserve support to help them grow stronger. It doesn’t make any sense that Shuichi can be both, and that bothers Kaito in a way he can’t properly articulate because he isn’t consciously aware of this double standard of his. Still, despite his confusion, Kaito is able to recognise Shuichi’s weak side as something he can help with and is determined to do so, because it’s the best way that he can carry on Kaede’s wish.

Of course, once Shuichi has Kaito’s support, he starts being able to fight that weak side of him a lot more, to the point that Kaito very quickly begins to see nothing but strength from him. In the second trial, when Shuichi answers Kirumi’s protests of “Don’t you want to protect everyone?!” by declaring “I’m doing this because I want to protect everyone!”, the camera briefly pans to Kaito saying “Shuichi…” in surprise. That’s all he says; it’s such a small thing amidst the argument between Shuichi and Kirumi, but the fact that it’s there at all means that something meaningful has to be going on in Kaito’s head at that point. Given the timing of it, I believe this is Kaito being taken aback at just how much of a hero Shuichi is managing to be, apparently without Kaito’s help. Chapter 3’s trial doesn’t help matters either, because thanks to Kaito’s phobia, Shuichi ends up proving that he can investigate and solve an entire case just fine without any help from Kaito.

Since Kaito is stuck on this false dichotomy that people are only either strong or weak and cannot be both, he takes this kind of thing as a sign that Shuichi is simply strong after all, and therefore never really had any weaknesses or needed Kaito in the first place. This becomes noticeable even before the third trial: in the first training session in chapter 3, once Maki leaves and Kaito and Shuichi are discussing the idea that she needs this because she’s weak, Kaito says, “Well, in that sense, you’re… No, your case is a little different.” Kaito was about to start talking about Shuichi’s weakness and compare it to Maki’s, so he still wasn’t quite thinking this on a fully conscious level – until he stopped himself as he realised that Shuichi’s case is different to Maki’s because, as far as Kaito sees it, he’s not weak. But Kaito already doesn’t want to confront the idea that Shuichi might be strong enough to not need his support, so when Shuichi asks him what he means, he hurriedly changes the subject.

He’s wrong, of course; Shuichi still has those same weaknesses and still needs Kaito’s support, even though he’s been able to grow a lot already because of it. Kaito being unable to see this is partly because of his inability to comprehend people being both strong and weak at the same time, but it’s also in large part because Shuichi really does seem a lot stronger from the outside. It’s one thing to play as Shuichi and see all of the anxiety and self-doubt inside his head, but almost all of that is confined to his inner monologue. On the surface, and particularly in class trials, Shuichi appears to be effortlessly solving the cases and saving everyone, and that’s the Shuichi that Kaito sees. When Kaito confesses his jealousy to Shuichi at the end, he seems genuinely unaware of the obvious truth that Shuichi could only keep being that strong because of him. If he’d known that, he’d have had no reason to be jealous at all.

A really bad time to be dying

But even though Kaito comes to see Shuichi as more flawlessly strong than he really is, that alone probably wouldn’t have been an issue. Kaito should have been able to simply be proud of Shuichi and not jealous. His past sidekicks, whom he talks about in his fourth free time event, have all reached greater heights than he’s currently at (and while he might be exaggerating a bit about how much influence he had on them, I don’t believe he’s outright lying in this one) – but he’s totally okay with that and is just happy that he was the one to help them achieve greatness. It’s all fine so long as Kaito can remain confident in his own strength and keep believing that he’ll also be that awesome one day.

So the other, arguably more important contributing factor to Kaito’s jealousy of Shuichi is the way he starts to see himself as weaker than he wants to be, first as his phobia renders him useless for half a chapter, but then on a much more serious level as he realises that he’s dying. The constant pain he’s in by at least chapter 4 onwards (as evidenced by his comments about his Virtual World avatar) serves as a constant, unyielding reminder of the fact that his death keeps getting closer and closer and there’s nothing he can do about it. Even though he’s determined not to show it – because this is weak of him and he cannot fail his sidekicks by letting them see it – he has to be feeling so, so scared and powerless. And Kaito’s not only afraid of dying; he’s even more afraid of dying pointlessly. Although he’s as desperate to survive as anyone else, he’d be more able to accept the idea of dying if it were the kind of death a hero would have, some sort of sacrifice to save everyone and help them all escape this killing game, since everyone else’s well-being is even more important to him than his own. But at this rate, he’s just going to die. For no reason. For nothing.

Still, we see barely any of this on the surface. Even though Kaito really shouldn’t be hiding it so stubbornly, even though he’s only doing so because he’s terrified of “failing” his sidekicks if he lets them see what’s really happening to him, the way he continues to smile and do his best to support his friends despite what he’s going through is really impressive and takes incredible strength. But recall Kaito’s Harmonious Heart event, where even having a brief pessimistic thought counts as being weak to him, despite the fact that he immediately shoots it down and pushes himself to stay positive, which he should be able to understand is strength. Even though he’s dealing with the fear and helplessness of his inevitable death in such a brave, selfless way, none of that matters to Kaito next to the fact that he’s feeling that fear and helplessness in the first place. People are only either strong or weak and can’t be both, so if he’s feeling like this, then he must be weak, right? But that’s unacceptable – he’s supposed to be the hero to Shuichi and Maki, not the weak one who needs their support.

Kaito spends most of chapter 4, the first chapter in which he’s fully aware that he’s dying, desperately trying to compensate for it and prove that he can still be the hero. It’s the only chapter in which he repeatedly tells Shuichi and Maki that they shouldn’t bear their burdens alone, which is more than just him being excruciatingly hypocritical – his underlying reason for it is that he’s trying to stress that they should let him help, that he can help. Of course, he spent most of chapters 2 and 3 helping Shuichi and Maki bear their burdens too, but the difference is that in those chapters, he never made a big point of the fact that he was supporting them. He just did it, without expecting any acknowledgement. So the fact that he suddenly seems to subtly want acknowledgement for it in chapter 4 when it never mattered to him before has to be caused by the way his impending death is making him feel. Kaito’s words to Shuichi and Maki encouraging them to share their burdens are him desperately trying to prove that he’s not useless, that they still need him and he can still support them and make a difference even though he’s weak and dying (right?).

Think about how Gonta acts during chapter 4, constantly offering to help and trying to think of even the smallest ways he can be useful to everyone because he’s feeling so powerless in his inability to protect people. That’s a pretty direct parallel to how Kaito feels during this chapter too; he’s just much less honest about it.

Case 4: the build-up

There’s also a gradual but very deliberate build-up of Kaito being made to feel inferior next to Shuichi from the beginning of chapter 4’s investigation. First Kokichi insists that Kaito shouldn’t be Shuichi’s investigation partner because he’s the initial suspect, thus allowing Shuichi to prove for a second time that he doesn’t need Kaito’s support to investigate a case. Then Kokichi starts objecting to Kaito’s involvement not even because he’s a suspect but just because he’s totally annoying Shuichi and getting in his way and obviously couldn’t possibly have anything useful to offer him, right. Meanwhile, most of the others have started to mindlessly rely on Shuichi’s detective skills to save them and frequently talk about how great he is, rubbing in the apparent fact that Shuichi’s so much more of a hero than Kaito and doesn’t need him at all. And Shuichi himself obliviously contributes to this with his experiment with the cell phone, in which Kaito is briefly and subtly thrilled that Shuichi needs his help, only to find that the “help” consists of “stand there doing literally nothing and then look like an idiot as I log you out without warning”.

Even in the first half of the trial, things don’t go easy on Kaito. Everyone continues to hail Shuichi as their sole saviour, something Kokichi deliberately fuels, which is still him purposefully jabbing at Kaito’s issues even though he does so without mentioning Kaito at all. Not only that, but Shuichi also ends up refuting several of Kaito’s arguments, even before Gonta becomes the main suspect. Partly this is because Kaito wasn’t allowed to investigate properly and has an incomplete understanding of the facts compared to Shuichi. But still, the fact that he even tries to make arguments despite knowing his understanding is probably incomplete is a result of him being determined to contribute as much as he can and show that he’s not useless. Back in the second case, even though he investigated with Shuichi that time, Kaito barely took part in the actual deductions in the trial and was happy to sit back and watch Shuichi solve things and just give him the encouragement he needed. But not here. Not when he’s dying and Shuichi can do everything without him and he’s desperate to prove that he can still make a difference. Yet, because his arguments are wrong, his attempts to help just end up making him look even more obviously inferior to Shuichi than he would have done if he had sat back and said nothing.

Kaito’s Rebuttal Showdown in particular is great – on the surface he makes it sound like he’s helping by pointing out his sidekick’s mistake and offering to help fix it, but the reality of it is that Kaito is desperately trying to prove that Shuichi needs his help. Usually Kaito would have enough faith in Shuichi to let him finish his argument before questioning it, but here he jumps in mid-sentence because he’s overeager to find the slightest thing he can “help” with – if he’d just waited another few seconds, Shuichi would have gone on to explain exactly how Miu could walk through that wall and they wouldn’t have needed to do this at all. And Kaito is clearly a lot more bothered than he claims to be at the fact that he turned out to be wrong and only ended up wasting Shuichi’s time.

Case 4: the breaking point

While Kaito is trying as hard as he can not to let all of this get to him, and he mostly does a convincing job of pretending that it isn’t, things finally reach breaking point once it becomes clear that the culprit has to be Gonta.

Kokichi would try and have you believe that Kaito’s whole problem in this part of the trial is that Shuichi being a detective means that he’s more suspicious of others, the exact opposite of how Kaito is, oh how ironic. But Kaito knows that’s not really the issue. His principles about believing in people come with the acknowledgement that you’re taking a risk by doing so, and that if you do turn out to have been wrong, that’s on you for misjudging them. Shuichi’s detective’s instincts really aren’t so incompatible with Kaito’s philosophy at all. Even back during the investigation in chapter 1, Kaito encouraged a hesitant Shuichi to investigate any suspicion that he has (even if it were towards Kaito himself) until he’s satisfied, because doing anything else isn’t how a detective should act. This culminates in Kaito confidently declaring at the beginning of chapter 4’s investigation that even if he was the culprit, Shuichi would still see it through and reach the truth. He has no genuine reason to be angry at Shuichi during this trial – Kaito would never blame Shuichi for being the way he’s supposed to be. More than anything, Kaito knows that Shuichi is being strong by being able to acknowledge painful truths like this, and at the best of times he’s able to be proud of Shuichi for being this way.

This isn’t so much about belief and suspicion. Like everything up to this point, this is about strength – Shuichi’s strength and Kaito’s weakness.

Let’s face it: the possibility that Gonta could genuinely be the culprit is agonisingly painful to anyone who believes in him and appreciates how much of a pure, earnest, selfless person he is, which of course includes both Kaito and Shuichi. By this point, Shuichi is more than capable of enduring that pain and pushing through it to confirm the truth. He’s had a lot of practice at doing so since Kaede’s trial, and thanks to both hers and Kaito’s support, he’s spent a lot of time talking about it and thinking about how to overcome this weakness of his. It’s not that Gonta’s guilt hurts Shuichi any less – it’s just that he’s grown strong enough to deal with it.

But meanwhile, this whole time, Kaito has had absolutely no practice at confronting his own pain and weakness. The worse his illness has become, the more ashamed and afraid he’s felt, and the harder he’s tried to ignore it and block it out and avoid dealing with it. Unlike Shuichi, he hasn’t grown any stronger or better at healthily dealing with his own problems at all. So when Gonta comes under suspicion and things begin to hurt, Kaito isn’t strong enough to face it. His initial, instinctive response is to block that out too, insisting that Gonta being the culprit is just not possible and so there’s no point even discussing it.

And yet, by doing that, Kaito is running away from the truth, the exact thing Shuichi used to struggle with but has now become so good at that he makes it look almost effortless. All Kaito is doing is proving yet again how much weaker and less of a hero he is than Shuichi. The only way for this to be wrong, for Kaito to not be the weak one here, is for him to keep desperately arguing that Gonta being the culprit isn’t true, because if it isn’t the truth then he’s not being weak by refusing to admit it, he’s just being logical, right? So Kaito shifts from saying they shouldn’t be talking about it at all to making rational-sounding arguments defending Gonta – but even so, there’s hints that Kaito realises deep down that Gonta really must have done it, and some of the points he tries to make use facts that he knows aren’t true. The more arguments Shuichi shoots down and the more certain Gonta’s guilt becomes, the more obviously weak Kaito is being by refusing to accept the truth, so the more desperately he has to deny that it’s the truth at all to avoid looking weak.

Kaito gets angrier and angrier towards Shuichi as the trial goes on, but it’s not remotely that he truly is angry at Shuichi for listening to Kokichi and doubting Gonta – his accusations along those lines are not the point and are just excuses to justify his anger. The real reason for it is simply that the pain of knowing that Gonta really is guilty and that he’s being so much weaker than Shuichi by refusing to accept it is too much for him to keep inside. Kaito’s only way of dealing with pain that he can’t handle and can’t suppress is by lashing out in anger – hopefully at a deserving target, such as usually Monokuma, or in this case, Kokichi. A lot of his anger at Kokichi here is not really a rational attempt to argue that he’s the culprit, especially once that gets proven impossible, but is just Kaito trying to deflect his pain, to have someone he can blame so that he’s not the one at fault here by being unable to face the truth. He even lashes out at Kokichi by voting for him at the end, which is so pathetically, desperately pointless because he knows that Gonta is the culprit and that if everyone else was equally weak as to do the same thing as him then they’d all be killed. But some of Kaito’s anger also gets directed at Shuichi as the one shooting down his arguments and proving how weak he is and being effortlessly stronger than him. The last thing Kaito wants to do is hurt Shuichi and make things even harder for him, but he’s so desperate and in so much pain that he can’t control himself and realise what he’s doing and stop.

Ideally, Kaito should have been able to let his belief in and friendship with Shuichi support him through this painful ordeal of realising that Gonta killed someone. But of course he can’t do that – he’s supposed to be the hero and Shuichi the sidekick and it’s not meant to go the other way. Shuichi even does try and reach out to him and acknowledge the pain he’s in – “I know how you feel. I know because we all feel it” – but for Kaito, admitting that he feels this way and that Shuichi is dealing with it better than him is inconceivable. Instead of accepting Shuichi’s support, the pain of the notion that he even needs it just makes Kaito even more defensively angry, and it’s this that triggers his Argument Armament and him fighting more directly against Shuichi than at any other point in the trial. This gets even worse at the end, when Kaito coughs up blood in front of everyone and it becomes near-impossible to hide how weak and pathetic he thinks he is, and then on top of it all Shuichi reaches out and offers to help him back to the dorm, making it so obvious who’s really the hero here. All Kaito can do in a desperate attempt not to have everything fall apart even more is to furiously push his best friend away, insisting that he can walk on his own, that he doesn’t need Shuichi’s help.

Rock bottom

The next morning, Kaito’s scrambling to pick up the broken pieces, to convince everyone that he’s completely fine and keep pushing them forward as best he can. The only sign he gives that he’s not fine and that the nightmare of the previous trial really did happen is that he’s no longer looking at or directly talking to Shuichi.

It might seem on the surface that Kaito acts this way because he’s still upset with Shuichi for what he did to Gonta during the trial, but that’s not it at all. For one thing, if he were angry at Shuichi, then expressing it by refusing to talk to him would be incredibly passive-aggressive of him, which is not remotely how Kaito operates; if he has a problem with someone, he’s never afraid to let them know it. But more to the point, he no longer has any reason to be angry. Kaito’s anger during the trial had no rational reason behind it and was nothing more than him lashing out in the heat of the moment at the awful situation that was unfolding. That wouldn’t have lasted into the next morning. Consider the time he punched Shuichi at the end of Kaede’s trial, which was another emotional reaction because he was too upset to think straight and understand that Shuichi had a different way of reacting to the pain of Kaede’s death. The next morning, Kaito apologised for that, because he’d had time to re-evaluate it and realise it was a mistake. So again with Gonta, Kaito should have had plenty of time to calm down and acknowledge that what Shuichi did was necessary to save everyone else, something he’d really known the whole time and just couldn’t admit to in the heat of things. Shuichi talks about how he doesn’t feel right apologising to Kaito when he knows his actions weren’t wrong – and Kaito would agree with that. More than once, Kaito had mentioned his principle that you shouldn’t apologise for something you believe was the right thing to do, even if it didn’t work out so well. Therefore, it should be clear that Kaito isn’t angry at Shuichi or waiting for an apology or anything of the sort.

Kaito’s problem is with himself. While he’s had a whole night to calm down and stop feeling that reactionary anger towards Shuichi, that’s also given him plenty of time to think about his actions during the trial. And what did he do? He showed weakness in front of his sidekick. Huge, significant, undeniable weakness, while Shuichi showed nothing but strength. Not only that, but despite having always promised he’d support Shuichi no matter what, that he’d help Shuichi carry his burdens, he utterly failed to do so during the trial. Rather than helping Shuichi through the painful ordeal of accusing Gonta, Kaito made things even more difficult for him by lashing out like he did.

This is why Kaito won’t look at or directly talk to Shuichi in the beginning of chapter 5 – because he’s too ashamed to face him. He feels like he’s failed Shuichi so completely that there’s no going back from it, that Shuichi must have lost all faith in him, that he doesn’t have the right to call Shuichi his sidekick any more when he’s so much weaker himself. Every time Kaito looks at Shuichi, he’s reminded of how much stronger than him Shuichi has proven himself to be, how badly he wishes he could be that strong but isn’t. He’s just about able to keep up his façade and pretend everything’s normal in front of everyone else, but he can’t bring himself to do so for Shuichi because he’s convinced Shuichi would see right through it. Yet Kaito still can’t outright admit to his weakness in front of him (much less in front of everyone), so instead he just pathetically runs away from the whole issue by trying to pretend Shuichi isn’t there.

It’s very telling, during their conversation through the hangar window later that chapter, that when Shuichi hesitantly tries to bring up Gonta’s trial, Kaito just immediately starts talking about how much he believes in Shuichi and how great of a detective he is. He doesn’t even mention Gonta or reassure Shuichi that he did the right thing in that trial or anything of the sort, because he always understood that and that was never the problem in the first place. While he’s still not quite yet admitting to having been jealous, Kaito’s praise of Shuichi here is his way of saying he’s come to terms with the fact that Shuichi is stronger and more of a hero than him. Everything else aside, Shuichi’s still his best friend and Kaito’s incredibly proud of him, and that’s all that matters in the end. Facing the literal end of the world does wonders to make you re-evaluate your priorities like this.

Trying to “fix” things

Really, they should have talked about this much sooner, during any one of the awkward silences earlier in chapter 5. If Shuichi had realised what Kaito’s problem was, it would have been simple for him to reassure Kaito that he doesn’t feel let down at all, that he doesn’t blame Kaito for not being strong enough to face the truth because he knows how that feels, and that they need to stay friends and keep supporting each other, now more than ever. But Shuichi doesn’t do this, because he doesn’t realise the problem is on Kaito’s end and assumes that Kaito is angry at him for Gonta’s death. This is in large part down to Shuichi’s own insecurities and tendency to irrationally blame himself for everything bad that happens that has even a little bit to do with him – that irrationality would easily extend to assuming Kaito must be blaming him too. But it’s also partly because, one way or another, Kaito actually succeeded in getting Shuichi to look up to him and assume that he’s basically invincible – emotionally, at least. Even though Kaito ends up convinced after trial 4 that Shuichi must have realised how weak he is, Shuichi still hasn’t. So Kaito’s determination to have Shuichi see him this way ends up working even better than he expected to the point that it makes Kaito’s own suffering worse yet again, because it renders Shuichi incapable of realising what the problem is and helping Kaito when he needs it the most.

Of course, the other way for Shuichi to realise what Kaito’s problem is would be for Kaito to actually tell him. The responsibility is really on Kaito to start the conversation here, and he should be perfectly aware of that. He was in the wrong during Gonta’s trial, not Shuichi, which means he’s the one who owes Shuichi an apology. But even though Kaito already feels like he’s failed Shuichi and shouldn’t have anything to lose on that front, he’s still terrified of letting Shuichi see any more weakness than he already has. So rather than working on mustering up the courage to face Shuichi and admit to all the pain he’s in, Kaito instead spends the first half of chapter 5 fixating on a plan to fight Monokuma and get them all out of here. This sounds unrelated, but it’s not – this is almost entirely about trying to compensate for his failure in Gonta’s trial. Kaito can’t admit to failing Shuichi while he still feels nothing but weak and useless compared to him, but if he can make up for it somehow, prove himself to be a hero worthy of looking Shuichi in the eye again, then it’ll be so much easier to apologise for failing him. He doesn’t want to give Shuichi an empty apology for something that he feels like he’s still doing right now.

If you pay attention to the way Kaito goes about his plan, you can see the signs of what it’s really mostly about. The first thing is that it’s not at all for the sake of saving himself: when he announces it to the group, he says, “I’m going to get you guys out of here.” Not “us”. Just “you guys”. Kaito must know that his illness is almost certainly too far gone by now, and the time limit it’s giving him is no longer for his chances of survival. It’s for his chance to finally make a difference and be the hero who saves everyone, because he can’t die like this – he can’t die a failure.

Because the second thing about Kaito’s plan is that while of course he cares about saving everyone else, and he tries to present the plan like that’s what it’s about, it’s specifically about him being the one to save everyone else. He asks for everyone’s help in fighting Monokuma, but then insists on making all of the preparations himself, not accepting any kind of help at all in getting things ready or coming up with an actual strategy for the battle. If Kaito really, truly wanted the plan to have the maximum chance of success, he’d have asked everyone to give their input on how to best fight Monokuma – but he knows that would only result in Maki (and maybe also Shuichi) basically running the whole plan instead of him. If this weren’t chapter 5, if he hadn’t failed so utterly during the previous trial and been so desperate to prove himself, Kaito would have been fine with that and happy to let his sidekicks take the spotlight. But right now, he’s desperate for it to seem like it’s his plan, his actions that are making the difference.

The other kind of hero

See, Kaito’s concept of a “hero” kind of has two separate versions of it. On the one hand, there’s the type of hero that he is to his sidekicks: someone who supports and inspires them and helps them find the strength to overcome their weaknesses and reach their full potential. One of the things the word “luminary” can mean is “someone who inspires or influences others”. That’s why Kaito calls himself the Luminary of the Stars! He absolutely deserves that title; he is so incredibly good at being that kind of hero, more so than anyone else (even if he is far too willing to sacrifice his own well-being for it). But that alone isn’t enough for him, especially not now he’s shown such obvious weakness that surely Shuichi couldn’t possibly find him inspirational any more. Not when Shuichi has been the other kind of hero this whole time: the kind that takes action and Gets Shit Done. Both types of hero are capable of making a difference – but the impact of the luminary kind is vague and nebulous, whereas the impact of a direct-action hero is indisputable. Kaito can’t be satisfied with just being a luminary now that he’s doubting more than ever whether Shuichi even needed him to be one in the first place, all while Shuichi has undeniably saved everybody’s lives four times over.

That’s not to say this is the first time Kaito has tried to be the action-oriented kind of hero instead of the luminary kind. During each of the previous cases, Kaito often tried to talk himself up as if he’s good at investigating, not to mention directly trying to “help” with his off-base deductions as he grew more desperate to be useful in chapter 4, despite that he very much doesn’t have that detective’s instinct and should know that his worth in investigations comes from simply being there to encourage Shuichi. And in chapter 1, before he’d begun to make himself useful by supporting Shuichi (because Kaede already had that covered), Kaito spent the chapter constantly insisting that he was going to do something about the situation. He really wants to be this kind of action hero who can get stuff done and make an obvious, definitive difference. He talks big, saying he’s going to do something when he doesn’t even have a plan yet, not simply as empty words to make himself look good but because he genuinely intends to follow up on those words and come up with a big plan that’ll save everyone.

Unfortunately for Kaito, while being a luminary is something that comes naturally to him, he is kind of terrible at taking direct action and having decent plans, however much he might hate to admit it. In a situation like this killing game, the sort of plans that work are complicated plans that require a lot of thinking outside the box and careful strategising – and Kaito’s mind just doesn’t work that way. All of the plans he does come up with throughout the game – his “strategy meeting” in chapter 1, his attempt to break out of the hangar with a crossbow later in chapter 5, and especially his plan to fight Monokuma here in early chapter 5 – all use the same basic idea of “just fight the problem hard enough and we’ll win”. Kaito’s mindset is way too straightforward, so the only plans he can think of are equally straightforward and therefore very unlikely to ever succeed. Yet he refuses to accept how bad he is at this and let someone else handle the planning, especially not now, when he’s failed Shuichi and is desperate to make up for it and prove that he can be this kind of hero too. By doing this, he’s just digging himself deeper into a hole of failure – all that Kaito’s insistence on the plan being his plan really achieves is making it so much less likely to succeed than it would have been if he’d accepted everyone else’s input.

How to really be a hero: the hard way

But just when they’re about to start Kaito’s plan, Kokichi comes along and drops the Electrohammers on them and proposes they use those to get through the secret tunnel instead. Assuming he’s not lying, it’s a proper, well-thought-out plan, designed specifically to target the things standing in their way. Next to that, Kaito’s haphazard pile of weapons and complete lack of a strategy looks exactly like the pathetic, desperate mess that he always secretly knew it was. It’s a huge risk to trust Kokichi, but taking that risk is still far more likely to result in their escape than what Kaito was trying to do. So Kaito has to stand there and accept that if he truly cares about saving everyone and getting them out of here – if he really wants to be even a little bit of a hero in the end – then it doesn’t have to be his plan. Even if it’s from someone like Kokichi, anyone’s plan will do so long as it works. It looks like it practically causes Kaito physical pain to decide to follow Kokichi’s suggestion, but he does so all the same. He’s finally acknowledging his inadequacies and taking the road that’s most likely to save everyone anyway. If Kaito hadn’t been at rock bottom here thanks to everything that led up to this point, he might never have accepted this, but right now he’s got nothing to lose.

This goes double for Kaito’s decision to participate in Kokichi’s murder plot. Killing someone, even if it’s someone who’s literally asking to be killed, goes against every fibre of Kaito’s being. While Kaito’s self-destructive levels of selflessness regarding his sidekicks mean he’d have absolutely done so just to save Maki from being executed, he also makes it clear that that’s not the main reason and even if Maki hadn’t been in danger he’d still have done the same. Again, it’s about Kaito being desperate to make a difference no matter what, even if he has to make compromises like accepting his plans are terrible compared to Kokichi’s, and trusting someone he hates that much, and becoming a murderer. If Kaito wants one last chance to help save everyone and finally be a hero before his time runs out, this is his only choice.

This is also despite the fact that Kaito knows the plan is extremely unlikely to actually succeed. His unshakeable faith in Shuichi’s awesomeness makes him almost certain that Shuichi will be able to figure out the truth and unwittingly show Monokuma who the real culprit is in the end. Yet Kaito goes along with the plan anyway despite knowing that it only has a tiny chance of fooling Shuichi and succeeding – because he’d rather take a tiny chance than none at all. And even if the plan does fail to achieve what Kokichi wanted from it, even if it isn’t a perfect success that instantly ends the killing game, it’ll still help everyone else at least a little by proving that Monokuma can’t break his own rules and is beholden to some kind of audience. It’ll give them hope that there’s other people out there, give Shuichi something to work towards figuring out. It’s not remotely the grand, flawless heroic victory like Kaito would have had in those games he played as a kid, or like he’d been trying to insist he was capable of throughout most of this killing game – but it’s something, and that’s infinitely better than the utter failure he was terrified of dying as before Kokichi told him the plan.

And simply becoming a murderer isn’t the only way in which Kaito is willing to absolutely shatter his own convictions if it might help him save everyone. Lying to his friends by pretending to be Kokichi for the whole trial as well – that’s such a big deal coming from Kaito. At one point during trial 4, Kaito denounces Kokichi for the way he’s always putting on a mask and never showing his true face, which, since Kaito has been wearing a mask over his own insecurities for that whole chapter, could be seen as wildly hypocritical. But I really don’t think it is. Despite the lies Kaito does tell, one thing he hates the idea of lying about is the kind of person he is, and that’s what he’s getting at here when he says “true face”. Kaito is always someone who genuinely wants to help out everyone else, and he never lies about that. He may lie about how capable he is of actually doing so, or of how important helping everyone else is compared to how much help he really should be getting for himself, but he tells those lies precisely because of how badly he wants to be able to help. Kaito is always completely sincere about the true core of his nature and intentions and would never hide that behind a mask. Being true to himself like this is extremely important to Kaito, and that’s why Kokichi angers him so much for being the very opposite of that. It’s to the point that he outright says to Kokichi, “I don’t wanna survive if it means I have to stoop to your level”. He would rather die than compromise these convictions of his and only keep surviving as someone who isn’t even able to be up-front about the things that really matter to him.

So Kaito being willing to hide his true intentions, to bite his tongue on how much he cares about Shuichi and Maki and hates seeing them suffer by thinking he’s dead when he could fix that in a heartbeat, to act out Kokichi's manipulative insincerity and actually stoop to his level for the entirety of a trial… Even though it’s only temporary and he knows he’ll get the chance to explain himself to everyone in the end, that’s still absolutely huge. If it were only for his own survival, Kaito would never go that far. But for a chance at helping to save everyone else? His only chance left to be a hero and prove himself next to Shuichi and not die a pointless, meaningless death? He’d do damn near anything.

A hero’s story

Throughout my first time experiencing case 5, I was terrified of the possibility that Kaito was the one under that press, less because I didn’t want him to die than because I didn’t want him to have lost. I didn’t want Kaito’s story to ultimately be one of someone who’d tried so hard to be a hero but failed at every turn, culminating in his final pathetic failure at the hands of Kokichi here. The narrative had repeatedly done its best to make Kaito seem expendable, to highlight the way his recklessness is overzealous and idiotic and barely achieves anything next to Shuichi’s careful logic, so it genuinely seemed like this bleak fate could have been how it all ended for him.

But it’d be a crappy story if the hero lost so easily, just like it’d be a crappy story if the hero won so easily. Turns out the out-universe writers knew exactly what they were doing, and all of this build-up – all of Kaito’s weakness and failure and apparent inevitable loss – only served to enhance the impact when he finally managed to win. I was absolutely elated when I realised for sure that Kaito was the one inside that Exisal, that he was not only still alive but still fighting, sacrificing absolutely everything in a last attempt to save everyone. It was still only a partial, bittersweet victory, but he’d more than earned at least that much after everything he’d done. Kaito’s real overall story turned out to be one of struggling and feeling helpless and facing failure and being forced to make compromises, but still never giving up and pushing through it to seize at least some kind of victory regardless. Whether Kaito realises it or not – but I think he might have just about grasped this by the end – that’s the kind of hero story that’s truly worth reading.

#[oh hey look this is my pinned post now]#[if you only ever read one of my v3 posts - please make it this one!]#danganronpa v3 #danganronpa v3 spoilers #kaito momota #character analysis #kaito's hero issues #ramble #friends #happy birthday kaito!#have a fifteen-page-long essay about all your issues that you don't want anyone to know of #(by which i mean it's about why you're the best character)#for more analysis like this in even more line-by-line detail: check out my sideblog

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imaginesnkdorks · 5 years ago

Text

Thank Goodness for Crazy

Part XII: Planning a Visit to Master Splinter

| 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11 |

Pairing: Erwin/Reader

Summary: That time the Survey Corps finally plan on recruiting thugs from the underground...

Another expedition, another bloodbath. It’s sad how I’m used to this now. Like I said last time, I’ve been here for a little more than a year. I’m still a Survey Corps soldier (thank goodness), so basically nothing much changed except maybe that there are always new faces around me while the familiar ones are disappearing one by one.

I’m quite thankful that I have a knack for choosing friends, as almost all of my close friends are skilled soldiers and are still around. Speaking of skills, mine is one of the best. It’s not that I’m bragging, but I seriously think that I’m born to do this.

Though, I don’t use my skills to just kill every titan I encounter. What do I use it for? Saving my fellow soldiers. I chose to be the hero of heroes. They’re a bunch of innocent chaps who just want freedom for their people – people who won’t cheer them on and won’t believe in them.

I’d love to say that I’ve actually reduced death rates, but I didn’t. Though I save as many as I can, I could only be at one place at a time. Today’s expedition was no different. We’re still out in the field, preparing our campsite. Almost all of us are exhausted and stained with blood –the stain on me isn’t mine though.

Not bothering to wipe the blood off my face and hands, I continued my search for uncle Keith. I need to talk to that old fool. With that in mind, I naturally ignored everyone around me. A couple of soldiers tried to approach me, but I guess I look scary – especially with all this blood – that they immediately turned away. I finally found where he is – by the wagons and the line-up of bodies.

“Salvage any bodies you can. The least we could do is take them home.” The commander told a soldier, who saluted and went off, leaving me alone with uncle Keith. Noticing me, he was about to say something but I guess I’ll never know what it is because I cut him off. You know when your mom would scold you in public, and you’re on your last warning she would whisper threateningly? That’s how I said this:

“Do you have any idea how many people died on this expedition? Thirty ei-!”

“Thirty-eight. I know.” His face was calm, but there was a storm in his eyes and a crack in his voice – something I immediately noticed. Even though I recognized the emotions of the commander – grief, and regret which is how I also feel right now – I still decided to give him a hard time.

“We could have prevented those deaths if you only used Erwin’s formation!”

This formation that I mentioned is tailored to how I used to play pokemon. After talking to Erwin about it, he actually made a brilliant formation based on it. If you don’t remember, I used to walk past trainers. If I see one, I’ll get as far away from them as possible, keeping my eyes on the prize which is facing the gym leader in a perfect condition. Erwin’s formation is like that. If possible, we avoid combat with titans that we see, focusing our energy on our goal which is to secure a base beyond the wall.

At the mention of Erwin’s brilliant formation though, the commander shifted from sadness to anger, and he finally snapped at me.

“You’re the one who’s been acting like a hero. Why didn’t you save them?”

“Oh, so now it’s my fault? Well mister, If I wasn’t there you would’ve lost more men! I saved as many as I could, but I can’t be in all places at once!”

I’d probably feel guilty about this later, but it’s too late to stop myself. Okay, I already am feeling guilty right now looking at his face. I can see that he’s not mad only at me, but probably also at himself.

“I know we just both wanted to be heroes. But our strategies just don’t work. Maybe Erwin’s would. There’s no harm in trying. Soldiers die either way.” I told him calmly. I know I sounded confusing just now, but if you can’t imagine how a pessimist becomes a little optimistic I’m guessing that’s how it is.

Despite my very subtle optimism though, my uncle chose to ignore me and fumbled with the maps and papers he pulled out of his bag. With an exaggerated sigh, I turned on my heels and was about to leave when he spoke in a pathetically tired way only he could do:

“It’s your turn to clean the stables when we get back.” Keith told me as if I wasn’t screaming at him a few seconds ago.

***

Well, that went nowhere. I’ve nagged him so much that I know he wouldn’t just give in, but I guess this expedition is especially frustrating that I just literally want to scream at everyone. I walked past the neatline of dead bodies as if they were just a line of trees at a park, my mindset on how I’m going to clean myself.

I remember the first time I met Erwin, he gave me a set of uniform to wear. I now know why he had that spare lying around. Turns out expeditions are not one-day trips. If we’re lucky, we get to go as far as we could and actually having the need to spend the night outside. Bringing a fresh set of uniform is the norm. Even though we’re soldiers, there is just no way all of us could sleep in these filthy (and sometimes bloody) uniforms.

It’s really comforting to know that Erwin didn’t take that uniform from a dead soldier my size.

“Hey, Andi!” Breaking me away from my nostalgia was Hanji. My dear friend Hanji who is apparently one of those who don’t give a damn and just wear this dirt-ridden uniform for two days straight. Or sometimes even longer is she felt like it.

“Hange. I heard you almost got squished to death today.” I grimly greeted her. The news was, she was baby talking to a goddam Titan! Said titan wasn’t impressed so it tried to bite her head off, and it almost succeeded.

“He, well… I’m still alive.”

“Uhuh.” Is all I could say.

“Andi.” A man called to me.

Both of us turned to see Erwin. Just when I was about to approach him, Hange leaned closer and whispered, “Oooh! There’s your boyfriend! He’s been looking for you since we started making camp.” Cringing inside, I tried to keep my face as blank as possible. It’s been a year but Hange and Nanaba still can’t get over me and Erwin.

“For someone who was just in a massacre and who also almost died, you are so cheerful.” I replied, rolling my eyes and approaching my squad leader. Yes, I am still under him. Apparently, I’m still too irresponsible to be a team leader, let alone a squad leader.

“Hey.” I said nonchalantly as I approached him. Over the past year, I got closer to Erwin and we basically know each other really well. So well we could probably finish each other’s sentences. But there are times that he’s still a little too hard to read, especially around Theo who I am quite sure now he hates.

Speaking of Theo, I think he’s passed out somewhere. You got to give it to him, for surviving this long without any special skills aside from looking really good. I don’t know why but even after a year, his combat skills are still pathetic. I had to keep an eye on him on every expedition. Despite being useless in battle, he has become sort of my assistant. Those whom I’ve pulled from certain death are given first aid by Theo. So he’s not really useless.

Anyways, after greeting Erwin, we went off to walk together towards my horse. He knows I want to clean up as soon as possible, so he just talked to me while we walked.

“I need you to come with me to the underground city.” Erwin said, his face as calm as ever.

“The underground?” Now that caused me to stop on my tracks and look at him. “What underground?” I literally have no idea what he’s talking about. I’m not so sure if that’s some kind of code or if there is literally an underground city somewhere within the walls.

“It’s a real city. Underground, right below people’s feet.” He said, his face betraying no emotion. I guess I’m a bad influence on Erwin. Just look at that explanation.

“Uhuh, where the ninja turtles live?” Now it’s my turn to sass mouth him. A knot formed on Erwin’s forehead as he tried to comprehend what on earth ninja turtles are. I guess I haven’t talked about them yet. Realizing that I am still the bigger asshole, he just gave a really audible sigh and decided to just explain it to me.

“As I said, it is a city literally underground. It’s within Wall Sina.”

“In the rich people district?”

“Well, yes. But the people who live underground are, less fortunate.”

“Oh. Okay. So when are we going?”

“Three days from now. There is a very interesting criminal that I’d like to recruit.”

“That’s odd, recruiting a criminal. Must be someone really talented, or valuable.”

“He is. Mike, Richard and Lissa will go with us.” I only nodded in response. Then I thought about this underground city. Yet another place that seems impossible to be man-made in this world. I was about to ask Erwin about it but he did something that irked me to the core.

With his face as calm and tranquil as ever, he raised his right hand and patted my head, as if I’m some kind of toddler.

“Uggh! Erwin!” I grunted, rolling my eyes, but I’m not even trying to swat his hand away. It’s not like I’m enjoying this, it’s because when I try to swat his hand, he’ll raise it so high and mock me for being so short. So yeah, Erwin’s an asshole I’m just a bigger one.

“I heard you talking to the commander earlier. Earned you another turn at the stables?” He said, hand still on the top my head fondly.

“He’s a dummy.” Crossing my arms, I continued “he never listens. He thinks he’s the chosen one like he could do anything big and wonderful.”

“If he’s a dummy, the corps should have long been dissolved.”

“Ugh, you know what I mean.”

Suddenly, my boots became so interesting. You know, even though they’re ugly as hell and a little too tight, they do the job. Thick enough to protect my leg from the knee down, and really comfortable to run in. As I try to list down all of the other advantages of my uniform, Erwin decided to finally break the silence.

“You should clean up and rest. You’ve been running around all day.”

“Yes, mom.”

***

A year ago, I never understood why anyone would want to go camping. Imagine; no Wi-Fi, no electricity, no indoor plumbing, frogs and lots of bugs and creepy crawlies. I still don’t understand, but I can’t say that it’s super bad. I mean, overnight expeditions are basically camping trips. But let’s face it, every day of my life here is like a freaking camping trip in the boondocks.

Anyways, I cleaned up for the night and am prepping to sleep. And nope, no pajamas. I’m wearing my spare uniform and am trying to make a bed out of blankets inside a pathetic tent. Good thing titans sleep at night. Hmm, maybe they’re solar-powered or have some kind of internal clock. We should really get one. I’ll try and bug Hange about it, so she’ll nag uncle Keith about it.

There’s no way I’m doing that, the nagging. I’ve received so many stable duties already that I know almost every horse we have by name. So I guess being a looked up upon titan slayer didn’t do shit about my personality. I mean, I do get depressed at times but I still go back to the sarcastic asshole I have always been.

Speaking of the past, I wonder how everything is back home. Is my mom freaking out that I’ve been gone for over a year? Or has time stopped since? I don’t know. As I ponder these useless things, waiting for sleepiness to hit me, a voice called right outside my tent.

“Andi, are you still up?” Oh, Theo. “Can I come in?”

Clearly, without thinking I answered right away. “Yeah, come on in.”

He raised the tent’s flap and went in, as I scooted over so he could sit. My tent could fit five people easily, as long as we’re sitting down with our knees up to our chest. So being there just us two, I can say we can sit comfortably enough.

Theo hasn’t changed since I met him. Same brown curls which just got a little thicker, and the same white and bedazzling smile. Even though I am no longer infatuated with him, I just can’t help but stare. He’s so good looking you just can’t help to look at him. So instead of awkwardly staring at him as I wait for him to speak, I busied myself with my water canister and bags of cookies.

Pouring us a cup each of water, I also offered him the cookies which he turned down. Well, ok. I’ll eat it then. As I’m eating, he finally spoke up. But of course, he started with a smile. That sweet, sweet smile.

“Tough day, huh?” He said awkwardly. He was fiddling with his hands as if he’s nervous.

“Yeah. But there’s nothing new about it.”

“Ha, you’re right.” He said before looking down at his hands. Great, another awkward silence. What’s up with that?

“Are you alright?” I can’t help it so I just went on and asked him. I really have no idea how to deal with the awkwardness. I wish this is something taught at school, but no. Instead, we got Pythagorean theorem and whatnot.

Clearing his throat, he looked at me in a very serious manner. Now I’m getting fidgety too.

“Andi, I …” Taking a deep breath, he seems to be composing himself as if he’s doing some kind of confession. Crap, confession?!

“I’ve been in the military for a year now. I promised my father that if I like how things are here, I’ll stay. But if I think I don’t like it I’m welcome to come home anytime.” He then scratched his head and gave a cute, nervous laugh.

Why do you have to look so good, Theo? Anyhow, I thought wrong. This is no way a confession. I think.

“You see, me staying here this long is accomplishment enough for a wimp like me.”

“Who said you’re a wimp, Theo? You're still alive after venturing out the wall more than ten times! You’ve seen and killed titans! You always know what to do with injuries. It’s so wonderful how anyone who’s under your care survives.” I said, a little too enthusiastically. I guess I also praised him a little too much because looking at him now, he’s beet red. And I don’t know what the hell is up but everything he’s feeling is rubbing off of me. I can feel my cheeks heat up. Dang.

Flashing his perfect white teeth at me, he began talking. “Thank you. But you’re always there to save me anyway. Which is a little embarrassing, to be honest.”

“Ha, yeah right. Like I’m with you the whole time. Give yourself some credit, Theo.” Then I gave him a friendly pat on the arm. I admit I’m touchy. I always pat people on their arms, shoulders, and back. I also like to hold on their arms and give it a little squeeze cause I’m a little creep. Anyways, after saying this, I took another bite of my cookie.

“This is why I like you, Andi.” He said looking straight at me. Like?

“Pfft!. Wa….ter!”

“Oh my, here drink.”

What the hell? I choked on the cookie that I was eating when Theo said that he likes me. Still coughing, I drank the water that he handed me. This is so embarrassing. Theo couldn’t hide the smile forming on his lips. Oh, you little bastard.

“Hey! Stop laughing at me.”

“Haha! I’m sorry. But your face was just so funn- er, adorable.”

I just rolled my eyes at him and focused on my discarded, half-eaten cookie in front of me.

“Before you choke to death, I’ll just go on and say it. Andi, I’m going back home to Mitras. And I’m hoping you’d go with me, as my wife.”

“Oh my god. It wasn’t just a confession! It’s a freaking marriage proposal! What is this? Saying that I’m shocked is an understatement. I don’t know what to say.

“I’ve always liked you, Andi. You’re not vain,”

Wrong.

“you’re strong,”

Wrong again, Theo!

“smart,”

If I were smart, I won’t be here beyond the walls.

“and very beautiful.”

Well, he’s not wrong there.

“I mean, I joined the Survey Corps to get closer to you.”

What do say in these kinds of situation? “I, I don’t know what to say.”

“I understand if you can’t answer me right away. But, I hope you’ll think about this. I’m serious, Andi. Our life here is, well, difficult. You deserve more than this and I can give it to you.”

“Okay.”

“Okay? You mean, you’ll marry me?”

#thank goodness for crazy #erwin x reader #Erwin #Erwin Smith #commander erwin #snk erwin #Commander Erwin Smith #erwin smith x reader #mod max

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