#I’ll probably delete it later I’m just so frustrated

[bookinit02]

thinking about this post i saw the other week where this person was saying how badly they wanted to be able to buy a nice mug without thinking twice about it. and all the comments were saying how they could just buy a cheaper mug. and they were like jesus fucking christ ITS NOT ABOUT THE MUG. because yeah

[the-adventures-of-dave]

I think this summer, in addition to building a new catio, I’m gonna try to get the cats out hiking more. This is just a big vent/ramble under the cut.

The last couple years we haven’t been out as much. A part of it is just mental health making it hard to Do Stuff, but also I’m apprehensive about going hiking on my own with the cats. I’m not really concerned about coyotes or bears or elk, but the prevalence of off leash dogs on trails still makes me afraid for my and the cats’ safety. I can do everything right and responsible with my cats and still have someone’s dog chase or attack us— both have happened before and will again if we go out. It’s just frustrating that other people’s irresponsibility and selfishness keeps me from enjoying time outside with my pet. I can only control myself- I can’t control someone’s “””friendly””” dog that is “good” off leash and *only* chases people for 15ft before going back to its owner. It’s not barking and chasing for 50 ft, so it’s fine right?

All that being said, I think I might try to do what I can to better prepare myself and my cats for encounters like that and actually get out again. I can tell Dave misses hiking and being outside, and my mental health has gotten worse staying indoors all the time.

Cat wise I’m gonna try to train the cats’ recall better this spring, and maybe invest in some shorter leashes to keep them closer by on walks. I was also considering getting a hard-shelled cat backpack and seeing if they’d like cycling. Dogs can’t kill them if we’re on a bike…

[sturdydenimandblue]

This isn’t a new hot spicy take but people using “OCD” as a cute and quirky adjective to describe how they like to keep things tidy while I’m over here in a constant living hell, filling out half a fucking box of envelopes with the same information over and over and over again because I literally cannot stop makes me want to burst into flames and die lol

[sweetlilbird]

Gender…

[wutheringmights]

.

[no-144444]

mishaps online- o.piastri (81)

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summary: oscar accidentally posts a nude online the night before your big concert and launch. oops.

pairing: oscar piastri (no.81) x singer! fem! reader

-------------------------

As you stared at the screen in front of you, your eyes filled with horror. Oscar Jack Piastri, your boyfriend of 3 years, had just posted a nude to his instagram story. 

What the fuck. 

You immediately sprung into action, calling him since you were in Berlin for a concert. He didn’t pick up.

You called Lando next, knowing they were in the same hotel, especially since it was 3am in the fucking morning. You were already getting bombed by tweets and messages, from friends and fans, all asking if you’d seen it. 

“What?” he groaned, groggy from being woken up.

“Lando! Go into Oscar’s room right now please,” you pleaded, happy that you had gotten ahold of someone. 

“What?- Why?” he asked, but obliged all the same, getting out of bed. “You know we're supposed to be on vacation right? He can go to sleep.”

“Is he awake?” You asked, ignoring his complaining. 

“Osc?” he called as he knocked. “Y/n’s on the phone, she wants to talk to you!” 

“Huh?” you heard a yawn from Oscar, then shuffling as he got up. Of course Oscar would send you a nude, then immediately fall asleep. For fuck’s sake. “Baby?” He took the phone out of Lando’s hand and held it to his ear. “You alright?”

“You posted a nude on instagram, please go delete it now,” you blurted out.

He stood still for a moment. “W-what?” 

Lando laughed so hard he fell over. “There’s no way!” 

“I-I didn’t,” he panicked then lowered his voice. “I sent it to you.”

“Well, you sent it to me and your instagram story,” you explained. 

Lando was on the floor, cackling as Oscar almost tripped over him to get to his phone and delete the photo. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” he repeated as he went through his phone, taking down the photo. 

“You are such a muppet!” Lando cried, breathless from laughing. 

“Shut up!” Oscar replied. “This is your fucking fault! You told me to send the picture!”

“To Y/n, not the fucking world Osc!” he chuckled.

To be fair, you understood where Lando was coming from, this was objectively funny. You’d probably be laughing if you weren;t his girlfriend, and if you wouldn’t have to explain this entire situation to your family, including your parents. God, just thinking about it made you sick.

“Is the photo down?” you asked.

“Yeah, it’s down,” he sighed. “I’m so sorry baby I just-”

“Let’s not have this conversation with Lando in the room,” you stopped him and he chuckled. 

“Good idea.”

“Zak’s probably going to call you, and I’m going to go call Margaret now. I love you Osc, talk later?”

“I love you too,” he sighed. “Talk later.”

You hung up the phone and let yourself scream into your pillow for a few seconds, then dialled the number of your manager, Margaret. 

“Y/n? What’s wrong?”

“Oscar posted a nude on instagram by accident,” you sighed. “He’s sorry.”

She took a deep breath. “You know how I love you, right?”

“Yeah?” You answered hesitantly. 

“And how I love you and Oscar and how happy he makes you?”

“Yes?”

“Well right now, I fucking hate him and want him dead. Please give me a few hours to work on this before I can properly face you again, alright?”

You smiled, happy she was taking care of it. “Thank you, and sorry- again.”

She hung up the phone with a groan of frustration. 

Next, someone else called. Oscar’s mom. 

“Hey Nicole,” you tried to keep calm as you spam-texted Oscar about the situation. No way his mother was calling you about this. 

“Hey Y/n,” she smiled. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course,” you nodded. 

“Is my son really stupid enough to accidentally post a nude picture of himself to his instagram and leave it up for a whole 5 minutes?”

“Apparently so,” you shrugged, slightly laughing. 

Nicole chuckled. “Are you laughing?”

“If I don’t laugh I’ll probably cry, so, yeah.”

She laughed at that. “I’m logging off the internet for a while, tell Osc to text me, yeah?” 

“Of course,” you smiled. “Sorry about this.”

“Jesus, it’s not your fault, don’t worry. How are you?”

“Shocked,” you answered truthfully. “And a bit scared of what’s coming next.”

“I just hope you two are ok,” she added. “I need you as my daughter-in-law.”

You smiled a genuine smile. Nicole was always so welcoming and lovely. “We’re all good, don ‘t worry.”

“Good,” she smiled. “I’ll leave you to it, love you, talk soon.”

“Talk soon,” you smiled and she hung up. 

Immediately, Lando called you.

“I thought you’d be back in bed,” you teased. 

“Trust me, being in the room for Zak and Oscar’s call was worth the missed sleep,” he chuckled and you heard Oscar sigh in the background. “He’s gotten his phone taken off him!” You couldn’t help but chuckle. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, they’ve given me a fucking flip phone instead,” he revealed. “How’d it go with my mum?”

“She’s not ecstatic with your choices, but she’s alright. She mostly wanted to know if we were alright, which we are, in case you were wondering,” you explained. “She wants you to call her.”

“Now?"

“Nah, maybe tomorrow.”

“How are you?” He asked, worried about what you’d say.

“Not an ideal situation, but I’m not mad at you. It was an honest mistake, seriously darling,” you reassured him. “Plus now the internet knows why I constantly have a bruised cervix,” you added, wanting him to loosen up and relax. It was a mistake, an honest mistake. 

You heard Lando laughing, and you got a chuckle out of Oscar, which was enough for you. You stayed on call with them for a while, then turned off your phone to get some rest.

-------------------------

You woke up to about a million messages from hundred of different people. Family and friends teasing on the various groupchats, management and your record label freaking out, and Oscar just being upset.

Osc <3: I feel like such an idiot. I cannot believe I did that, especially the night before the start of your tour, and the night of the launch. I'm so sorry baby.

You: It's alright Oscar, I promise. Margaret is already sorting something out right now. It's ok, I swear.

Osc <3: I still feel awful. I'm so sorry.

You: It's alright. Did you at least get your phone back?

Osc <3: Yeah but no social media on it anymore. I can't even look at your instagram :(

You: I think you'll survive lol :) I love you

Osc <3: I love you too.

You got up and out of bed, tired from the stressful night. The concert tonight, the launch tonight. What were your fans going to say?

comments:

ynsbff: something as big as oscar's d-

-> user12: GIRL

user56: girl is bouncing back fast from the shocker last night was

-> user29: fr i'd still be shook my boyfriend posted THAT

landonorris: legend 💙

pierregasly: 💙💙💙

logansargeant: can't wait 💙💙💙

lewishamilton: burning it down and shining on 💙

-> user58: ????? what does this mean????

-> user80: the return of XNDA????

russellgeorge: 💙

valterribottas: 💙

mclaren: 💙🧡

user23: why is the entire grid in the comments with blue hearts?

-> user82: literally? like what do yall know?

danielriccardo: don't know what's gonna hit 'em 💙💙

mercedes: 💙

user13: why is oscar the only one with pink hearts?

-> landonorris: he's not allowed his phone, it's his publicist 😁

-> user90: DAMN. exposing ur bro like that is crazy

-> landonorris: so is posting a nude 🤷🤷🤷🤷

kmag: 💙

charlesleclerc: 💙💙💙

maxverstappen: can't wait 💙

fernandoalonso: Mi favorita💙

lancestroll: it's going to be a wild one 💙

alexalbon: legendary 💙💙💙

lilymhe: my girl 💙💙💙

-> alexalbon: *cough* i'm ur boyfriend? *cough*

-> y/ny/l/n: bless you? do I need to call u a doctor?

zhouguanyu: 💙💙💙

carlossainz: 💙

nicohulkenburg: 💙

estebanocon: 💙

-> landonorris: plz don't crash into this bro 🙌

-> y/ny/l/n: HAHHAHHAHHA

---------------

You stepped onto the stage and the crowd went crazy. This was it, your first world tour. You were living your dream.

"Hello!" you cheered into your microphone. "I am so happy to be here, thank you all for coming!"

The crowd went wild again.

"Now, before we start, I have a pretty special announcement to make..." you paused for dramatic affect. "My next album 'Curious' drops tonight at midnight! And a very special feature from one of my very good friends, XNDA!"

As the crowd screamed over you and Lewis, who just came on stage, the opening of 'Save your tears' played. You two danced around the stage as you sang, excited with the reception from fans. For the rest of the concert, Lewis stayed on (since he was on another song, but also because he helped produce the album) and you two had so much fun. The concert ended at exactly midnight, and you came off stage on such a high. And there he was. Your Oscar, with a wide smile on his face and his arms open for you to jump into. Which you did, happily.

"Congratulations," he smiled, holding you close.

"Congratulations to you too," you smiled.

He pulled back, a confused look on his face. "What for?"

"Listen to 'Stargirl Interlude'," you shrugged, a smirk on your face. "And tell your mom not to listen to it, yeah?"

He smirked. "Whatever you say baby," and with that, he kissed you. His large hands holding your cheeks as you kissed him back, happy to be in his arms again.

---------------

comments

user15: OMFG 'STARLGIRL INTERLUDE' WHAT IS GOING ON

user12: wishing i was y/n rn....

landonorris: being horny on main? cringe.

-> y/ny/l/n: not winning for 6 years? cringe.

-> maxfewtrell: HA

lewishamilton: we told yall 🤷🤷🤷

pierregasly: kika has not stopped playing this 💙💙💙

-> user51: as she should.

danielriccardo: since when was my back replaced with oscar's y/n???

-> oscarpiastri: sorry mate, just better 🤷🤷🤷

-> y/ny/l/n: at least daniel's better at keeping his pants on online 😁

-> oscarpiastri: ok I deserved that.

-> landonorris: HAHAHHAHAH

alexalbon: RELAX I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT UR SEX LIFE.

-> y/ny/l/n: bitch ik all about urs too. lily tells me everything.

-> alexalbon: brb, having a breakdown.

logansargeant: @ oscarpiastri first i had to see your dick and now this? mate leave us alone.

-> oscarpiastri: SHUT UP I APOLOGISED.

-> logansargeant: NOT ENOUGH.

---------------

comments

lewishamilton: mr. stargirl interlude? mr. billie boss nova? mr. the diner? mr. chihiro? is that you?

-> oscarpiastri: hush

logansargeant: @ oscarpiastri hate club leader

-> landonorris: can I join?

-> y/ny/l/n: lando you've been singing chihiro all day. stfu.

-> landonorris: ...

-> user37: were you silent or silenced?

y/ny/l/n: MY BEAUTIFUL BOYFRIEND

-> y/nsbff: thirsting on the main?

-> y/ny/l/n: what have i become?😥

user89: ok, but who is 'i didn't change my number' about?

-> y/ny/l/n: @ logansargeant actually wrote it about williams 😥😥😥

-> logansargeant: Y/N. TOO FAR.

---------------

navigation for my blog :) (masterlist)

[cinnamooniee]

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐮𝐬 [part 2]

Characters : college student jungkook x college student fem reader

Genre : Angst but comfort later on, fluff??

Warnings : Mentions of alcohol.

read part one <3

The sight of his name, even in that small font, made your stomach twist all over again. You hesitated, thumb hovering over the screen. Part of you wanted to answer, to hear what he had to say, to let him try to explain himself—or maybe even apologize. But the other part of you, the part that was exhausted, that was hurting, didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.

With a shaky breath, you silenced the call, letting it ring out as you stared out of the window. The quiet hum of the car and the rhythmic flicker of streetlights through the window felt soothing, like a balm over the jagged edges of your heartache.

A few seconds later, your phone buzzed again. This time, it was a text.

Jungkook: Y/N, please pick up. We need to talk.

You felt a fresh wave of frustration as you read his message. The nerve he had to act like he cared now, after all those hurtful things he’d said. All you’d wanted was to understand, to find some kind of way back to the closeness you once shared. But instead, he’d pushed you away, dismissed your feelings, and thrown blame at you as if you were the one at fault.

Another text buzzed through, then another.

Jungkook: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say those things.

Jungkook: Can we just talk? I need to explain.

Your phone continued buzzing, message after message lighting up the screen. Each one made you grip your seatbelt a little tighter, fighting the urge to respond. You couldn’t—at least not right now. The words wouldn’t come, not when everything felt so tangled and raw inside.

Finally, there was a pause, a minute or two of silence. You exhaled, trying to ground yourself in that temporary calm. But the quiet didn’t last long.

Maybe you’re asleep already… I’m sorry for bothering you so late.

A pang hit you as you read that line. Did he really think you could just sleep after everything? He knew you better than that—at least, you thought he did. But maybe you’d been wrong all along.

Another text followed, slower, like he was second-guessing himself.

I just hope you got home safe.

You swallowed, feeling an ache settle in. He was probably picturing you curled up in bed, phone on silent, dozing off without a second thought. But here you were, staring at his words in the dim glow of your screen, unable to find peace in any of it.

Ok. I’ll check in tomorrow then, sleep well, Y/N.

The last message hung there, a final thread connecting the two of you, but it felt frayed—worn thin by all the words left unsaid, all the pieces you didn’t know how to put back together.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

The next morning, you roll over to see your phone blinking with unread messages. You try to ignore it, but a knot of guilt tightens in your chest, knowing exactly who it’s from.

You can’t keep avoiding him forever. The thought pops up, uninvited, with a mix of dread and determination. It feels like every time you ignore him, it only makes things worse.

With a sigh, you open the texts. His messages are there, unreadable yet loud on the screen—probably asking if you got home safely, wondering why you didn’t reply. A wave of conflicted emotions rolls over you; you want to explain, but part of you is also tempted to stay hidden.

After a long minute of hesitation, you finally type a reply:

"I was tired last night."

Then you erase it.

"I got home fine, thanks."

Delete.

"Thanks for checking in on me."

Another delete.

With a frustrated sigh, you run a hand through your hair, feeling ridiculous for spending so long trying to find the perfect words. You don’t owe him an explanation; there’s no need to apologize or over-explain.

Finally, you settle on a message:

"I got home safe."

Plain, simple. It’s just enough to let him know you’re okay without giving away too much. You hit send before you can change your mind, then set your phone down, wondering if this will finally ease the tension… or make things even harder.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

The morning drags on, and you keep glancing at your phone, half-expecting a response from Jungkook. But the silence only amplifies your nerves. Just as you’re about to drown yourself in the endless sea of homework, your phone buzzes, and it’s him.

"Hey, can I come over?"

Your heart races at the thought of him showing up, and you hesitate, staring at the screen. You want to tell him no, to reinforce the distance, but the words just won’t come. Instead, you let it go unanswered, hoping he’ll take the hint and change his mind.

Two hours pass, and just as you start to relax, a sudden knock on your door jolts you from your thoughts. You freeze, your heart pounding in your chest.

“Y/N?” Jungkook’s voice comes through, slightly muffled but unmistakable. “I brought you something.”

Your stomach sinks, surprised that he actually came over. You take a deep breath and make your way to the door, opening it just a crack. Jungkook stands there, looking a bit disheveled, holding a small bouquet of flowers that looks like it came from the local convenience store—a few wilted blooms tied together with a fraying ribbon.

“I, uh… I got these for you,” he says, awkwardly holding them out like a peace offering. “I didn’t want to come empty-handed. Can I come in?”

A wave of frustration crashes over you. He really thinks this is okay? After last night, he just shows up with cheap flowers? “Why do you think that’s going to change anything?” you snap, your anger bubbling to the surface. “You yelled at me and acted like it was no big deal . What do you mean? We had a fight and you dumped me--maybe?! And now you're just...

You don't even have the words to explain your frustration right now.

His eyes widen in surprise, and you can see the realization dawning on him, but you don’t give him a chance to respond. “Oh, and let’s not forget how you flirted with that girl right in front of me! And that you went right back to it after we fought."

He looks taken aback, mouth opening slightly as if to respond, but you cut him off once more. “I don’t even know what you want from me! You show up here like nothing happened. Do you think some wilting flowers are going to fix this?”

His expression shifts from surprise to guilt, and you can see he’s struggling for the right words. “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way, Y/N. I just wanted to talk.”

“Talk?” You scoff, arms crossed tightly over your chest. “What’s there to talk about? You decided to bail when things got tough, and now you’re here with a lame excuse for an apology?”

“I didn’t bail! I just…” He runs a hand through his hair, looking frustrated. “I thought maybe if I came over, we could sort things out. I’m sorry for how I acted. I care about you, okay? I just didn’t know how to handle it.”

You roll your eyes, your heart racing with anger. “Care? If you really cared, you wouldn’t have treated me like that. You think I can just forget that?”

Jungkook’s shoulders slump, and he looks down at the flowers in his hands, the weight of your words clearly hitting him. “I know I messed up. I just thought—”

“Thought what? That this would all be okay just because you showed up with stupid flowers? You’re delusional,” you cut in. “I can’t keep avoiding you, but I’m not just going to pretend like everything’s fine!”

He looks hurt, his eyes searching yours for some sign of understanding. “I just wanted to fix things. I thought you’d want to talk about it too.”

You take a step back, feeling overwhelmed by everything—your anger, your confusion, the weight of his gaze. “I’m busy, Jungkook. Just… just go.”

Please,” he finally says, his voice quiet but firm. “I just want to talk to you. I’m not leaving until we sort this out.”

“What do you want me to say?” you shoot back, your frustration boiling over. “You come here with flowers like that fixes everything, and you expect me to just let you in? You really think I’m going to be okay after last night?”

“I know I messed up!” he replies, his frustration matching yours. “But I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t realize how it would come across, and I want to explain myself. Can we at least talk about what happened?”

You stare at him, the determination in his eyes making it hard to look away. As much as you want to slam the door in his face, a part of you is curious—maybe even hopeful. But that hope is buried deep under layers of anger and confusion.

“I’m not interested in hearing excuses,” you finally say, trying to keep your voice steady. “You’ve already made it clear how you feel.”

“I know,” he admits, his voice dropping. “And I get why you’re angry. But please, just give me a chance to explain. I don’t want to lose you over this.”

You feel a mix of emotions swirling inside you—anger, hurt, and a hint of the connection you’ve had with him. You want to scream at him, to tell him to leave, but another part of you just wants to hear what he has to say.

“Fine,” you say finally, your voice low. “But you better not waste my time.”

As you step back and open the door wider, Jungkook enters, his gaze focused on you as he takes a seat on the edge of your bed. He looks around your room, a hint of nervousness in his posture.

“I’m sorry,” he begins, his voice softer now. “I just… I messed up, and I’m trying to fix it. I didn’t mean to flirt with that girl; it was stupid, and I didn’t think about how it would affect you. I get that it made you feel uncomfortable, and I should have been more aware. You’re the only one I want to be with.”

You hold his gaze, searching for sincerity in his eyes. “You don’t get to just play around with my feelings, Jungkook. You can’t expect me to just forget everything because you’re suddenly apologetic.”

“I know, I know,” he replies, desperation creeping into his voice. “But I’m here now. I want to make things right. Just tell me what I need to do. I’ll do anything.”

You take a deep breath, fighting the urge to soften. “You don’t get it. It’s not about flowers or grand gestures. It’s about respect and understanding. If you want to be with me, you need to start acting like it.”

“I will. I promise,” he says, leaning forward, his sincerity palpable. “I care about you, and I’ll do whatever it takes to prove that.”

You stare at him, the walls around your heart feeling like they’re starting to crack just a little. But the anger still simmers beneath the surface. “Just know that I’m not going to make it easy for you.”

“I wouldn’t want it any other way,” he replies, a small smile breaking through the tension. “Just let me try.”

You give him a reluctant look, still wary, maybe—just maybe—this could be a step toward something better..? Maybe he meant it. Maybe he truly was sorry.

As the tension hangs heavy in the air, Jungkook shifts slightly, a mixture of determination and vulnerability in his expression. You can see the sincerity in his eyes, and it stirs something within you—an urge to let go of the anger, if only for a moment.

He leans closer, and without thinking, you hold your breath, your heart racing as he reaches out. His fingers graze your arm softly, and it sends a jolt of electricity through you. Then, in a surprising yet gentle motion, he cups your face, tilting it toward him.

“I’m really sorry,” he whispers, his voice barely above a murmur. “For everything. Last night was a mess, and I shouldn’t have treated you like that.”

Before you can respond, his lips brush against yours—soft and hesitant at first, as if he’s testing the waters. The kiss is sweet, laced with an apology that goes deeper than words. You can feel the warmth radiating from him, and for a fleeting moment, the anger dissipates, replaced by a wave of emotions you thought were buried.

He pulls back slightly, his forehead resting against yours, breathing heavily. “I swear, nothing happened with that girl. It was all just… nothing. I don’t want anyone else but you, Y/N. You mean too much to me.”

Your heart flutters at his words, and he continues, his voice earnest. “You’re amazing. You’re smart, beautiful, and so much more than I deserve. I take back every single thing I said last night. I was an idiot. I was half drunk, and we had been fighting for weeks before that- and I just didn’t know how to handle it."

You look into his eyes, searching for any hint of insincerity, but all you see is raw honesty. “I messed up,” he admits, his expression vulnerable. “But I want to make it right. I want to show you that I care.”

The sincerity in his voice tugs at your heart, and you find yourself softening. “It’s just hard for me to trust you right now,” you confess, your voice wavering slightly.

“I get it,” he replies, his thumb gently stroking your cheek. “But I’ll prove it to you. I’m here, and I want to be with you. Just give me a chance.”

You take a deep breath, feeling the weight of his gaze. In that moment, everything else fades away, and it’s just the two of you—raw, real, and vulnerable. You nod slowly, your heart racing as the anger you held onto begins to melt away, replaced by something warm and hopeful.

“Okay,” you finally say, your voice barely above a whisper. “Just… show me.”

Jungkook’s expression brightens, relief washing over him as he leans in once more, capturing your lips with his in another soft kiss. This time, it feels different—deeper, more meaningful, as if it’s sealing a promise between you.

As you pull away, you can’t help but smile a little, the tension easing between you. “You better keep that promise,” you tease lightly, though your heart still flutters at the warmth of his presence.

“I will,” he assures you, his eyes sparkling with a mix of mischief and sincerity. "I love you Y/N, I really do"

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

tags<3 : @thelittlecatonthecake

[alovesreading]

having a pathetic mental breakdown rn cos i truly feel like i have lost my ability to write. i’ve been trying, i swear, but i just hate everything i’m writing and it’s so fucking frustrating. currently crying cos it’s apparently the only thing i know how to properly do. anyway, i’ll probably delete this later in the morning but i’m just so fucking annoyed at myself cos i really wanted to post soon but all i can write is utter fucking wank. i hate it and i hate myself. yous deserve someone who can keep up with their writing quality and is consistent with their posting, i’m so sorry i’m a fucking mess. i hate letting people down and i feel like that’s all i’m doing at the moment.

[bookishfeylin]

Anon who brought up Rhys needing be added in here: I know, I know. I’m just frustrated that there are so few receipts because most of the surviving ones are ones that are more pro-SJM being a “literary genius” than the ones where she implicates herself… which ironically should have more proof since it’s quite literally in every single thing she’s involved in. So thank you for wanting and finding receipts! 🥹 It makes me feel crazy because I know I remember this stuff, but since I don’t have the things to back it up no one ever believes me. 🥲

But I’ll say this as someone who has been here since her debut and was a hardcore stan with a fan page dedicated to her. (Deleted now, unfortunately. 😩) The thing about SJM is that she is a pathological liar. (I’m pretty sure she even admitted to being a huge liar when she was younger once in an interview, along with the fact that she was a “weird” kid because she was into fantasy and nerdy stuff (sounds a lot like not like other girls syndrome that’s trickled to her characters oop.) You can’t read/watch/listen to one interview by her, you have to read/watch/listen to them all. You have to go through her twitter (which she wasn’t active on for long) and her instagram (which she isn’t active on for long) and her tumblr and her livejournal (all or most of which aren’t even up anymore I think. It’s been a while since I checked). Because she would throw in random facts that she later tried to hide (irl retcon anyone?). This is why newer readers are at a disadvantage. They don’t know all of this because it’s pretty much scrubbed from the internet (…suspiciously) with few saved screenshots or transcripts. (Though tbh, I highly doubt they would care even if it was all still out there. They’d probably still be like damn, that’s crazy.. so anyway!)

SJM in the beginning of her career was a lot more loud mouthed than she is today. She revealed a lot during those days, including but not limited to her stating that she doesn’t plan, that she changes the stories’ endings even as they were being published, etc. She started getting more quiet when she started getting more criticism for her harmful work and then when dick soap gate dropped, and she fully started being called out for having adult content in YA, and more and more authors and booksellers and fans started alluding to her horrendous behavior behind the scenes (calling Bardugo fat and making fun of her disability, her whole toxic relationship with Dennard, her disregard for her fans when they asked her basic questions like if TOG would have a lesbian couple endgame because of the way their relationship was written in the fourth book and she rolled her eyes or hustling a fan along when she saw that she had scars on her face like she was embarrassed to be seen speaking to that fan, etc), that was her nail in the coffin for her social media presence. That was when she all but left the internet, started charging extra for her signings, pretty much stopped the book signings in favor of pre-signing books, started having what questions she could be asked moderated and even those are limited to how many are asked to the point where now every single one of her interviews ask the same questions with the same (mostly scripted) answers, etc.

Also pro tip: Whenever SJM says her books keep getting longer, it’s not because she following a story. It’s because she’s changed it and now has to write retcons to fit it. See: TOG originally being a trilogy like the original version she wrote on ficpress… and then it expanding by three more when she decided to change the endgame and having to change the rest of the story to put them together and then expanding it by one more book after she received backlash for cutting out the pov o a character who was a main character in the first four books and was then character assassinated in favor of said endgame love interest (which was also supposed to be a novella, not a full length book that you had to read in order to continue on with the series, but as she introduced a character literally not one single person heard of in the first three books as part of the character assassination, she had to do something with her too) (All my TOG girlies, listen I love Nesryn but you can’t sit here and tell me she serves anything to the plot other than being a romantic plot device to try to get Chaolaena shippers who still had hope to jump ship and since people weren’t buying that (because Nesryn literally didn’t exist until that fourth book), she set him up with Yrene instead). See ACOTAR originally being a trilogy. I’m pretty sure Crescent City was also supposed to only be a trilogy, but somewhere it expanded to more books. The only difference with Crescent City is that it seems like she figured that out before it was published, not after, although with the second book it does seem like she, again, scrapped whatever she set up in the first book in favor of creating a story where she could converge CC and ACOTAR. 🤷🏼‍♀️

TLDR: SJM is a bad author on and off page.

Oh yeah! And in her most recent ACOSF interview she also said she rewrote the second book from the original version (though she was trying to say she was setting up what she had planned in acosf since then which is bull lmao it’s more like she reread acomaf and decided to play around with something because we know from acofas she’d planned an illyrian rebellion for nesta’s book and that was scrapped)

Well that's disappointing. :/ Definitely a white feminist then.

The funny thing is, I have receipts that show Throne of Glass was changed (the wiki acknowledges the original Queen of Glass fanfiction Sarah wrote, and a booktuber made a video on it after reading the fanfiction. Apparently it was, as you said, originally a trilogy, and it ended up with Dorian x Celaena, not Rowan x Aelin, and changing the endgame ship meant she had to add more books and plot to the original to fit Rowan in), but ACOTAR receipts are harder to come by (probably because it was never a fanfiction.)

And now I almost want to go to that ACOSF interview just to find her saying she rewrote ACOMAF, because boy would that send this fandom into a tizzy. ACOMAF is ~the sacred book~ and heaven forbid Sarah change it for any reason.

But we do know a few things that also point to ACOTAR 2 being... very very different from ACOMAF:

-First and foremost, her newsletter where she admits to scrapping ACOTAR two and keeping the romantic arcs (interesting she said romantic arcs and not love interest. Hmmmmm) but "starting over" which caused the plot to "explode in ways she hadn't imagined." (and stans are already being testy in the notes there. Hooooo boy. I'm sorry, OP!!!).

-Her old comment saying Nesta and Lucien were the og ship and that she changed it to Elain and Lucien (if Elucien DOESN'T happen, then, that's just one more receipt for you and me :) ) and that Nessian were not a thing until Nesta and Cassian met at that dinner table. This suggests that most of the plot of ACOTAR 2 was not Night Court centric, given Nesta wouldn't be interacting with anyone in the Night Court and therefore wouldn't have a chance to meet and fall in love with Cassian.

As it is, we'll never truly know what the original plot was. We don't even know how many times she's changed ACOSF! Until more interviews and newsletters are found/dug up where she admits to changes, we're just going to have to guess at what the original plot was. But hints here and there suggest the ACOTAR series was originally very, very different, and given Sarah's track record with her other series, I wouldn't be surprised if the entire plot was changed to make her endgame ship sail.

[ghxstgvrlx]

Alright.

I have a list.

Therapy.

Doctor.

Job.

Move to a bigger apartment in 1 year because I really just feel suffocated, I really just need space.

Try to keep it light and relax and remember to stay grounded, feet on the ground. On earth.

Remember to just breathe. Nothing is that serious. Try not to creep people out by just being angry and misguided in some ways when you’re like this. You know what you mean but you have to be so careful how you say things because this isn’t a movie. This is real life, it’s fine to romanticize things you might feel the need to but you have to remember just the reality of life that you usually do.

Probably meds of some sort. I think it’s time to try again.

Get close to family.

Distance from anything too heavy rn. Don’t play around with such serious stuff, you know you don’t mean it but no one else does. You don’t have a great track record with being stable. Sometimes people just like fucking with you because they know they can in the moment. You know you’re intentions, find a way to get you’re points across and you’re desires for your future clear and maybe stay away from anything that might make things worse. It’s gonna get better, remember when you’re normal you’re fine. You just have to be a little more careful than others to remember to stay grounded and articulate. No more saying things you know you don’t mean just to feel something. Numb and sad and frustrated is fine. But scary however is a lot less savory and a lot less easy for people to back up. If you want help and real true help that your logical mind knows you need, you need to separate yourself from some art and music at this point and time. You may like aesthetics for fun but the world is serious. Bad things happen to people and it’s not fair. Nothing is fair. You really need to not joke about things you will regret later. In your logical mind, when you’re not ultra depressed and lonely, you know what you’re joking about is wrong. You hate it when you say stuff like that, something infiltrated your mind and doesn’t belong there. You’re not really reaching out for real help, so you’re really only gonna find things you don’t need or want. Just breathe. It’s okay. Breeeeattheeee

There will be a time where I look back on feeling this low and feeling like “you said what?” “You didn’t actually say that did you?” “You know better.” “You know you’re a good person in your heart and you don’t want to hurt anyone or yourself, you’re just tired of being hurt.” And don’t share anything you KNOW you don’t mean.

I find myself spiraling sometimes and once I follow a rabbit hole I get deeper and more brainwashed and it takes longer to be like Jesus Christ dude stop.

I’ll probably delete this. But I really don’t wanna make the same mistakes as last time. Just keep your head on straight and try to just focus on healing and getting better and in a better situation.

And please for anyone actually reading this, don’t take me literally. I don’t mean half the shit I say right now. I’m just frustrated with my life. That doesn’t mean the world is ending. lol it’s not. The world is just fine. I’ll just focus on fixing MY problems, that’s the only way to actually accomplish anything real for yourself.

Also there are people wiling to help and be your genuine friend. Stop pushing them away. You’re not scary. lol which is why you’re doing what you’re doing. You’re afraid you’re gonna get hurt and someone will break your heart when it’s already broken. The people who know you know what’s wrong and know what you mean. Stay off the fucking internet and try not to spiral deep into the abyss.

I saw some good advice that stuck earlier about saying hyperboles more often when you want to say something maybe a bit edgy or a bit concerning lol I needed to hear that, thank you.

There’s just like wayyyy too many possibilities and toxic shit online and irl that pull people who are lost into a place they can’t come back from. Those aren’t your thoughts and you know it. Don’t let anyone pray on you to go to an extreme place. You don’t need to be extreme. You’re perfectly fine being your chill and level headed sweet self. Let people see that. That’s better than some edgy bullshit that causes real people to hurt deeply. Be genuine, not scared. You’re okay. No one is going to hurt you. Just get in a better position to where you can protect yourself against the shit you put yourself through. Choose more wisely.

I don’t like who I’ve become tonight. I’m gonna need help not to do it again. It’s not okay. And I’m sorry.

[more-than-a-princess]

Shitpost/rant at myself I’ll probably delete later but:

Please, brain. I beg of you. String words together more effectively so I can write more than 1 or 2 replies/starters per day. I really want to keep up with my threads and interact more with my mutuals, but my turnaround time is awful right now and I feel like I’m making no progress with my to-write list.

I just feel like I could, and should, be writing more, so I could get things turned around faster and turn on my queue to post more frequently. But I just can’t.

And it’s super frustrating.

[luckheist]

i’m… done.

i try so hard to keep a smile on and to ignore the bullshit. but everyone has their breaking point, right?

name dropping me to deflect from your own shit is fucked up. i haven’t bothered anyone, i’ve been vibing and doing my own thing, and people take it upon themselves to come to me when my name is dragged into shit i have NOTHING TO DO WITH.

i have literally been dealing with work and class. on top of it, i have a mom who is now in heart failure that they’re trying to figure out the cause of (right now they think it’s a valve issue?). please tell me at what point i have time to stir petty shit on tumblr?

i am trying SO HARD to distance myself from drama and bullshit and i’m so fucking tired of my name being dragged into shit for pity points or laughs. it’s not cute, it’s not funny, and i’m genuinely confused as to why it’s continuing when i barely have time to pay attention to my own blog and partners… much less people who i don’t like and don’t like me.

i don’t know what else to do? i have apologized. i have blocked. i have stayed quiet and stayed in my corner. and here we are MONTHS later with my name still being thrown around like i’m doing anything to anyone.

i’m frustrated and i’m tired and i’ll probably delete this when i’m not so angry about things. i’m sorry for even dumping about it… i’m just tired. i had a good night, i beat a game, i chilled with friends for RAW, and then opened my phone to more bullshit that i have nothing to fucking do with.

[amostimprobabledream]

This is a little personal so I’ll probably delete it later.

But I’m feeling kind of...unsettled.

I had an absolutely shitty Thursday and Friday and the reasons kind of struck pretty hard. On Thursday my manager gets in touch with me about me requesting “reasonable adjustments” for this new work schedule, because we’re going to be in the office twice a week some weeks and I fucking HATE going to the office. I can’t stress enough how it makes me very anxious and restless - my team never talk to each other, there’s lots of noise to overstimulate me and we hotdesk so I don’t even have my own place to sit. It’s basically like working in isolation for seven hours - at home I can listen to music or put on the TV, whatever, and I’m fine, but ironically at work I feel more lonely than I do when I’m by myself.

So I asked my manager to request to the head of department if I can do half a day on the two-days in the office and just finish the rest of my work at home - I only live like ten minutes away from the office so I could just walk there on my lunch break. My manager got back to me yesterday and basically told me the department head said no. For no real reason except “she wants you to go in like everyone else”, which is basically the corporate version of “because I said so.”

Let me also add - there is absolutely nothing I do at the office I can’t accomplish at home. I also don’t think the head of department knows my name or what I look like, and like I already said, nobody on my team talks to each other, so it’s not like anybody would notice I wasn’t there and went, “Oh my god! We can’t possibly do all this work without her!” (The head did say she’d allow a ‘transitional period’ for me to get used to the two-day week, but since she said that would last maybe a few weeks, that’s the same as saying no since she’s not actually compromising at all.)

So that was a whole thing, and then on Friday I had a terrible driving lesson that had me crying in a carpark. My instructor insisted I move my lesson from February 22nd to February 1st - then on Friday I wasn’t driving well, so we end up in a carpark and she proceeds to start telling me I made a shit-ton of mistakes, I’d definitely fail if I drove like that in the test, etc, etc. So I had to go home and reschedule it YET AGAIN, after she’s the one who pushed me to change it. (Also, I was really upset after this conversation, then I drove back home except I was driving even worse after having my confidence shattered and my instructor’s like, “Your driving is getting erratic so pull over and I’ll take over” - why did she make me drive home after seeing how upset I was? No idea.)

My mum calls on Friday and asks what’s wrong. I told her and she proceeded to randomly take the driving instructor’s side - she was like, “Well she’s within her rights to do that, what did you want her to do, tell you you were doing great when you weren’t?” Which obviously I didn’t - I know I was driving badly, but being told for like ten minutes I’m doing a fucking horrible job made me feel like a failure, and I can’t help but think she set me up for it when she’s the one who made me move the test in the first place.

My mum and I usually get along well so I was pretty taken aback by her attitude and we ended up having this argument - and at one point I started crying again because I was frustrated. Instead of seeing I was upset and overwhelmed, my mum just keeps arguing, tells me she doesn’t understand why I’m upset, etc. 

Today I talked to her and tried to explain a bit better why I got so upset, and it’s not because I had to reschedule the test, but more like I feel like she set me up for a fail by making me move my test forward unnecessarily and that I’m going to be more stressed/uncomfortable about my driving instructor going forward, since I don’t feel like I trust her judgement as much anymore.

My mum then apologises for handling the call badly, but then she also doubles down on her stance and says, “Look I know you were stressed about Thursday, but you can’t drive badly just because you were upset things didn’t go your way at work” and then also said, “So-and-so is the head of the department, so if she doesn’t think the reasons you’ve provided are good enough to not do the same work days as everyone else, you’ve kind of just got to accept it.”

And I’m just...bewildered that my mum is being so fucking callous about how every person I feel like I can be open with about my issues have kind of fucked me over? And the weird thing is she’s usually a pretty emotionally in-tune person but for some reason she’s acting like I’m a child having a tantrum instead of...you know...having some fucking empathy? Not being a condescending asshole and taking sides with her fellow boomers over me?

I don’t know. Like I’m glad we’re not in a fight and not speaking to each other, but I’m still kind of pissed off that she completely dismissed everything I said and basically went, “Well, you’ve just got to suck up being treated unfairly because that’s how it is.”

So now I don’t know what to do. If I try to talk to her again I don’t think she’s going to act any different and probably say something like, “Well, clearly we disagree so let’s just leave it.”

But...now I think I should just stop being so open with my mum about when I’m having problems, especially with work. Because if she’s not going to bother trying to understand where I’m coming from and take anybody else’s side over mine, then why talk to her about anything at all?

[randoimago]

Just gonna vent a tad, hope no one minds (I’ll put it under the thingy since it gets a tad lengthy and so people don’t have to see it)

I work at a small business (there’s 7 of us including the boss) and yesterday’s weather report kept saying it was going to be bad today. So yesterday my boss kept saying that today we’ll have off or if the school’s are closed then we’ll have the day off. And to my face she said we’ll have the day off.

I wake up and I get a text that school’s aren’t closed and she asked if I’m working today. I want to say no, but I have another problem. My work schedule.

Previously she decided to do a 4 day work week Mon-Thurs. Then she asked if I could work Tues-Fri since I can’t do my work until the others do the front half which means Mondays I just sit around for an hour until they’re done pretty much.

So I took Monday off since I thought that was my schedule. And the assistant boss (we’ll call her E) asked me what I thought my schedule is and I told her Tues-Fri because that’s what my boss said and E doesn’t like that schedule. Then my boss states she doesn’t care what my schedule is and will talk about it with E, who wants me to come in on Mondays since she’s lazy.

But the whole "do I have today off or not?" was confusing because if I did, then everyone is going in Friday to make up for it. But Friday would be my actual work day IF my schedule doesn't change.

It’s kind of annoying and I really don’t like waiting last minute to hear things especially if they regard myself. I already ranted about this to someone but I’m still frustrated so I’m typing it out here to just get it out. I’ll probably delete this post later (or not we’ll see)

[pidgecv]

i have to get up on time tomorrow and i’m exhausted and can hardly think thoughts in properly. anyways i know it’s not my job to think about but i’m thinking abt how jo would have a particularly rough time with V going on his fucking journey of enlightenment.

aka unfinished bullshit where the second V leaves, everything is a lot less functional and Cleo immediately sustains a head injury.

i’ll be surpised if this makes any sense tomorrow morning and even more surprised if it���s any good.

knowing me i speedran mischaracterization

feeling cute might delete later idk teehee :p

Naturally, things were going to be a lot less efficient without V around. Cleo had admittedly always been a bit of a follower, and if it weren’t for the fact that she had plenty to do between the glorified chore list V left them to split and her own intensifying search for Ellie, she’d probably be a lot more lost than she was now.

Jo had been particularly despondent the last couple days. Ever since V had pitched the idea of him going out on his own for a while, Jo had become mopey and generally unpleasant. Cleo would be lying if she said she wasn’t worried about him herself, but this was ridiculous. The day V actually left, Jo spent 3 hours glaring at the door. At the same time, Cleo could hardly find a second alone now. Jo was acting very clingy, which when paired with the upset bitchiness was bound to end poorly. This ended up coming to a head when Cleo was about to go check out a lead on her sister’s location.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Jo spat with all the confidence of a righteous mother scolding her child. Cleo was not having it.

“Out. Just because V’s out there fucking soul-searching or whatever doesn’t mean I’ve gotta stop what I’ve been doing.” She met Jo’s glare with an annoyed look of her own.

“Like hell you’re going without me. We’ve gotta stick together now even more than before. Besides, we were just out scavenging, and we’ve got more than enough to do in the base right now.”

“I’ve done my packing for the day. I’m not grounded or anything and I’m an adult, I can leave the damn base.”

“This is different and you know it. There’s actual danger out there. I know you saw the infected as well, and with V gone we’ve lost our resident medic.”

“We haven’t ‘lost’ anyone. Besides, I’m not going to get hurt. I leave the base on my own all the time. Why’ve you got a problem with it now? What the hell has gotten into you?”

“What are you even talking about?!”

“You’ve been acting strangely ever since V decided to leave.”

“Did you forget about the BOMB THREAT?!”

“I know DAMN well that THIS isn’t about the bomb threat. You’re upset that V left and now you’re taking it out on ME.”

“Well, MAYBE you should’ve helped me convince him to stay.”

“I tried, jackass! He wouldn’t hear it and you know that.”

“It’s dangerous to be alone out there and we should be sticking together right now!”

“You think I don’t KNOW that?! I’m not LEAVING I’m going OUT for a little.”

“Like hell you are!”

“Oh my fucking god Jo, you’re not my mom.”

“I’m not letting you leave me too!”

“I’m not GOING ANYWHERE!”

“DAMN RIGHT!!”

“I’M GOING OUT WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. MANIFEST YOUR DAMN ISSUES SOMEWHERE ELSE!!” Cleo shouted, shouldering Jo out of the way in an effort to leave the base. Jo grabbed her arm and in a desperate, frustrated panic yanked her backwards hard enough for Cleo to go crashing to the ground. The side of her head hit the wall behind them with a loud crack and Jo froze, unsure of what to do.

Jo had not meant to do that. Frankly, she wasn’t sure what she’d meant to do or why she was so worried about Cleo leaving in the first place. Maybe she didn’t want to deal with an injury since it would mean more work for her. Maybe she didn’t like the tone Cleo had taken on while talking to her. Maybe it was the thought of being alone again, sitting in a house that’s empty save for the silence filling every corner of every room. Maybe she had been scared.

Meanwhile, Cleo somehow remained conscious but deeply confused. Her glasses had been knocked off from the impact which only fueled her disorientation. She wasn’t sure if her vision had been messed up by the fall or if she just needed to find her glasses. A blurry figure loomed over her, before kneeling at her side (why was Cleo laying down?) and handing her her glasses. The lights were very bright and her head hurt (did she hit her head?). She put her glasses on but her vision remained blurry and strange (she would ask her mom to schedule an eye doctor appointment when she came home from work).

“Cleo?” Cas asked her, as she started propping herself up on her elbows. The slight motion made her head throb and the edges of her watery vision darken and blur.

“Cas, can you call for Hannah? I think I’m sick.”

“What? Cleo, you hit your head. I’m just going to go get some ice.” Cas declared, sounding uncharacteristically lost.

“We don’t have any ice kiddo, it’s the apocalypse. Remember?” Cleo laughed humorlessly, managing to sit up against a wall. Ellie said nothing in return as Cleo felt her eyes slip shut. But she couldn’t nod off, she was in a lecture. Something warm trickled down the side of her head and onto her shoulder. Cleo raised her hand.

“Put your hand down Cleo, and hold this to the side of your hea- oh fuck.”

“Professor, can I go to the nurse?”

“You know what? Sure. Cmon man, up you go.” thin arms looped around Cleo’s torso and pulled her up. The fuzzy world pitched around her and she could barely put one foot in front of the other. The ice pack fell from her loose grip almost immediately, hitting the floor with a clatter that pierced her brain like a hot knife.

“Whysm head ‘urt?” Cleo asked, words starting to slur as she navigated the fuzzy world.

“Uh, you hit your head.”

“Oh.” Cleo returned her focus to moving her legs. Her vision started to fade out at the edges.”

“Cas, i thinkm gonna fall—“ The last thing Cleo heard before her vision went dark was a panicked voice she couldn’t place saying something in response.

She’s fine btw

unused line: “Jo had no idea what to do. Not just with Cleo, but herself.”

they both agree to never tell V about this. whether he finds out regardless is up to interpretation.

i know nothing about head injuries and i don’t care to do research. i am well aware that this type of thing would take a long ass time to heal but i’m ignoring that bc i think it’s funnier if they do not tell V.

[restinslices]

I’m ranting about being depressed because I don’t wanna keep spamming my friends. You don’t have to read this. I’ll probably delete this later.

Quick trigger warning for depression, mental illness in general, sewer slide thoughts, just a bunch of icky feelings. I am not feeling cash money

Going through hospitalization and thinking “wow, I’ve gotten better” only to get extremely depressed again is so disappointing. I went through multiple hospitals from January 2022 to around August or September of 2023. Now I knew I’d get depressed again because that’s just how life is, but I didn’t think it’d get so bad. I’ve gotten depressed since then and I’ve handled it pretty well but now I’m exhausted as fuck and the fact I lowkey wanna *insert windows shutdown sound* is so disappointing and makes me feel like a complete failure because I thought we were better than this twin. I’m both sleeping all day and have no energy to do simple things like walking to the other room and not being able to sleep at all. I’m both glad I’m alive and don’t have some illness, and “if someone were to shoot me, I’d probably thank them”. Like??? It feels like all the work I did means absolutely nothing. Like everyone put their faith in me and I’m letting them down over and over again. Especially this time.

And I don’t know wtf I’m doing. I feel like people really don’t understand how hard it is to look forward and have solid goals when you were never supposed to live this long. I didn’t think I’d make it out of middle school. Then I did. Then I didn’t think I’d graduate high school. Then I did. And it’s like “well… uhh, this is awkward”. Everyone has something they’re doing and you still can’t believe you’re actually alive and breathing still. It’s such a pathetic feeling and I hate it.

And my family has a tendency to not really pay attention or validate anything I say because I’m the youngest sibling and I always make jokes. If I don’t say “I’m gonna kill myself”, no one actually listens to what I say which is frustrating because I don’t feel like I should be at that point to gain a bit of sympathy. A lot of times, I just wanna rant and know someone is listening. I remember I tried this with my mom and said how I felt like no one listens to me because they only see me as the goofy sibling and she said, very irritated, “well you can’t change how people see you”. My mistake for interrupting the game on your phone. And this is a constant thing and I’m always bouncing between “wow, I really wish I felt heard” and “dude stop bitching”. I’m finna start tweaking and climb up my walls.

But yeah. I feel like dog shit because depression and wanting to Kate Marsh is beating my ass right now. And I feel like a failure for not being able to just thug it out. Idk. I feel like me being this depressed just shows no matter how much help I get, I’m never gonna be the person people want or need me to be. I’m always gonna be the fuck up. Younger me would despise me. She was so smart, confident, pretty, thin, sociable, mentally stable, plus other shit. She was recognized as young and gifted because of how great her grades were. Now I can hardly do math without getting a headache, I stutter a bunch, my confidence is ass, I’m clearly not mentally stable, I get panic attacks if I’m in public for too long or when talking to new people, I’m everything she never wanted to be. She would be BLOWN if she saw how she ended up.

This isn’t me fishing for sympathetic messages or attention. I’m just getting shit out.

Before I end this, I wanna make it clear that this is NOT a sewer slide note. I’m just stressed and sad and I feel like I’m bitching to my friends irl too much so I’m just venting here. Will I delete this later? Find out next episode.