#I’ll probably delete it later I’m just so frustrated

[bookinit02]

thinking about this post i saw the other week where this person was saying how badly they wanted to be able to buy a nice mug without thinking twice about it. and all the comments were saying how they could just buy a cheaper mug. and they were like jesus fucking christ ITS NOT ABOUT THE MUG. because yeah

[the-adventures-of-dave]

I think this summer, in addition to building a new catio, I’m gonna try to get the cats out hiking more. This is just a big vent/ramble under the cut.

The last couple years we haven’t been out as much. A part of it is just mental health making it hard to Do Stuff, but also I’m apprehensive about going hiking on my own with the cats. I’m not really concerned about coyotes or bears or elk, but the prevalence of off leash dogs on trails still makes me afraid for my and the cats’ safety. I can do everything right and responsible with my cats and still have someone’s dog chase or attack us— both have happened before and will again if we go out. It’s just frustrating that other people’s irresponsibility and selfishness keeps me from enjoying time outside with my pet. I can only control myself- I can’t control someone’s “””friendly””” dog that is “good” off leash and *only* chases people for 15ft before going back to its owner. It’s not barking and chasing for 50 ft, so it’s fine right?

All that being said, I think I might try to do what I can to better prepare myself and my cats for encounters like that and actually get out again. I can tell Dave misses hiking and being outside, and my mental health has gotten worse staying indoors all the time.

Cat wise I’m gonna try to train the cats’ recall better this spring, and maybe invest in some shorter leashes to keep them closer by on walks. I was also considering getting a hard-shelled cat backpack and seeing if they’d like cycling. Dogs can’t kill them if we’re on a bike…

[megamog]

Saw someone talking about how they liked bluesky. I decided to give a look and why not search for my favourite blorbo.

First result is one of my edits someone reposted without my permission. 😔

[sturdydenimandblue]

This isn’t a new hot spicy take but people using “OCD” as a cute and quirky adjective to describe how they like to keep things tidy while I’m over here in a constant living hell, filling out half a fucking box of envelopes with the same information over and over and over again because I literally cannot stop makes me want to burst into flames and die lol

[sweetlilbird]

Gender…

[no-144444]

mishaps online- o.piastri (81)

-------------------------

-------------------------

summary: oscar accidentally posts a nude online the night before your big concert and launch. oops.

pairing: oscar piastri (no.81) x singer! fem! reader

-------------------------

As you stared at the screen in front of you, your eyes filled with horror. Oscar Jack Piastri, your boyfriend of 3 years, had just posted a nude to his instagram story. 

What the fuck. 

You immediately sprung into action, calling him since you were in Berlin for a concert. He didn’t pick up.

You called Lando next, knowing they were in the same hotel, especially since it was 3am in the fucking morning. You were already getting bombed by tweets and messages, from friends and fans, all asking if you’d seen it. 

“What?” he groaned, groggy from being woken up.

“Lando! Go into Oscar’s room right now please,” you pleaded, happy that you had gotten ahold of someone. 

“What?- Why?” he asked, but obliged all the same, getting out of bed. “You know we're supposed to be on vacation right? He can go to sleep.”

“Is he awake?” You asked, ignoring his complaining. 

“Osc?” he called as he knocked. “Y/n’s on the phone, she wants to talk to you!” 

“Huh?” you heard a yawn from Oscar, then shuffling as he got up. Of course Oscar would send you a nude, then immediately fall asleep. For fuck’s sake. “Baby?” He took the phone out of Lando’s hand and held it to his ear. “You alright?”

“You posted a nude on instagram, please go delete it now,” you blurted out.

He stood still for a moment. “W-what?” 

Lando laughed so hard he fell over. “There’s no way!” 

“I-I didn’t,” he panicked then lowered his voice. “I sent it to you.”

“Well, you sent it to me and your instagram story,” you explained. 

Lando was on the floor, cackling as Oscar almost tripped over him to get to his phone and delete the photo. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” he repeated as he went through his phone, taking down the photo. 

“You are such a muppet!” Lando cried, breathless from laughing. 

“Shut up!” Oscar replied. “This is your fucking fault! You told me to send the picture!”

“To Y/n, not the fucking world Osc!” he chuckled.

To be fair, you understood where Lando was coming from, this was objectively funny. You’d probably be laughing if you weren;t his girlfriend, and if you wouldn’t have to explain this entire situation to your family, including your parents. God, just thinking about it made you sick.

“Is the photo down?” you asked.

“Yeah, it’s down,” he sighed. “I’m so sorry baby I just-”

“Let’s not have this conversation with Lando in the room,” you stopped him and he chuckled. 

“Good idea.”

“Zak’s probably going to call you, and I’m going to go call Margaret now. I love you Osc, talk later?”

“I love you too,” he sighed. “Talk later.”

You hung up the phone and let yourself scream into your pillow for a few seconds, then dialled the number of your manager, Margaret. 

“Y/n? What’s wrong?”

“Oscar posted a nude on instagram by accident,” you sighed. “He’s sorry.”

She took a deep breath. “You know how I love you, right?”

“Yeah?” You answered hesitantly. 

“And how I love you and Oscar and how happy he makes you?”

“Yes?”

“Well right now, I fucking hate him and want him dead. Please give me a few hours to work on this before I can properly face you again, alright?”

You smiled, happy she was taking care of it. “Thank you, and sorry- again.”

She hung up the phone with a groan of frustration. 

Next, someone else called. Oscar’s mom. 

“Hey Nicole,” you tried to keep calm as you spam-texted Oscar about the situation. No way his mother was calling you about this. 

“Hey Y/n,” she smiled. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course,” you nodded. 

“Is my son really stupid enough to accidentally post a nude picture of himself to his instagram and leave it up for a whole 5 minutes?”

“Apparently so,” you shrugged, slightly laughing. 

Nicole chuckled. “Are you laughing?”

“If I don’t laugh I’ll probably cry, so, yeah.”

She laughed at that. “I’m logging off the internet for a while, tell Osc to text me, yeah?” 

“Of course,” you smiled. “Sorry about this.”

“Jesus, it’s not your fault, don’t worry. How are you?”

“Shocked,” you answered truthfully. “And a bit scared of what’s coming next.”

“I just hope you two are ok,” she added. “I need you as my daughter-in-law.”

You smiled a genuine smile. Nicole was always so welcoming and lovely. “We’re all good, don ‘t worry.”

“Good,” she smiled. “I’ll leave you to it, love you, talk soon.”

“Talk soon,” you smiled and she hung up. 

Immediately, Lando called you.

“I thought you’d be back in bed,” you teased. 

“Trust me, being in the room for Zak and Oscar’s call was worth the missed sleep,” he chuckled and you heard Oscar sigh in the background. “He’s gotten his phone taken off him!” You couldn’t help but chuckle. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, they’ve given me a fucking flip phone instead,” he revealed. “How’d it go with my mum?”

“She’s not ecstatic with your choices, but she’s alright. She mostly wanted to know if we were alright, which we are, in case you were wondering,” you explained. “She wants you to call her.”

“Now?"

“Nah, maybe tomorrow.”

“How are you?” He asked, worried about what you’d say.

“Not an ideal situation, but I’m not mad at you. It was an honest mistake, seriously darling,” you reassured him. “Plus now the internet knows why I constantly have a bruised cervix,” you added, wanting him to loosen up and relax. It was a mistake, an honest mistake. 

You heard Lando laughing, and you got a chuckle out of Oscar, which was enough for you. You stayed on call with them for a while, then turned off your phone to get some rest.

-------------------------

You woke up to about a million messages from hundred of different people. Family and friends teasing on the various groupchats, management and your record label freaking out, and Oscar just being upset.

Osc <3: I feel like such an idiot. I cannot believe I did that, especially the night before the start of your tour, and the night of the launch. I'm so sorry baby.

You: It's alright Oscar, I promise. Margaret is already sorting something out right now. It's ok, I swear.

Osc <3: I still feel awful. I'm so sorry.

You: It's alright. Did you at least get your phone back?

Osc <3: Yeah but no social media on it anymore. I can't even look at your instagram :(

You: I think you'll survive lol :) I love you

Osc <3: I love you too.

You got up and out of bed, tired from the stressful night. The concert tonight, the launch tonight. What were your fans going to say?

comments:

ynsbff: something as big as oscar's d-

-> user12: GIRL

user56: girl is bouncing back fast from the shocker last night was

-> user29: fr i'd still be shook my boyfriend posted THAT

landonorris: legend 💙

pierregasly: 💙💙💙

logansargeant: can't wait 💙💙💙

lewishamilton: burning it down and shining on 💙

-> user58: ????? what does this mean????

-> user80: the return of XNDA????

russellgeorge: 💙

valterribottas: 💙

mclaren: 💙🧡

user23: why is the entire grid in the comments with blue hearts?

-> user82: literally? like what do yall know?

danielriccardo: don't know what's gonna hit 'em 💙💙

mercedes: 💙

user13: why is oscar the only one with pink hearts?

-> landonorris: he's not allowed his phone, it's his publicist 😁

-> user90: DAMN. exposing ur bro like that is crazy

-> landonorris: so is posting a nude 🤷🤷🤷🤷

kmag: 💙

charlesleclerc: 💙💙💙

maxverstappen: can't wait 💙

fernandoalonso: Mi favorita💙

lancestroll: it's going to be a wild one 💙

alexalbon: legendary 💙💙💙

lilymhe: my girl 💙💙💙

-> alexalbon: *cough* i'm ur boyfriend? *cough*

-> y/ny/l/n: bless you? do I need to call u a doctor?

zhouguanyu: 💙💙💙

carlossainz: 💙

nicohulkenburg: 💙

estebanocon: 💙

-> landonorris: plz don't crash into this bro 🙌

-> y/ny/l/n: HAHHAHHAHHA

---------------

You stepped onto the stage and the crowd went crazy. This was it, your first world tour. You were living your dream.

"Hello!" you cheered into your microphone. "I am so happy to be here, thank you all for coming!"

The crowd went wild again.

"Now, before we start, I have a pretty special announcement to make..." you paused for dramatic affect. "My next album 'Curious' drops tonight at midnight! And a very special feature from one of my very good friends, XNDA!"

As the crowd screamed over you and Lewis, who just came on stage, the opening of 'Save your tears' played. You two danced around the stage as you sang, excited with the reception from fans. For the rest of the concert, Lewis stayed on (since he was on another song, but also because he helped produce the album) and you two had so much fun. The concert ended at exactly midnight, and you came off stage on such a high. And there he was. Your Oscar, with a wide smile on his face and his arms open for you to jump into. Which you did, happily.

"Congratulations," he smiled, holding you close.

"Congratulations to you too," you smiled.

He pulled back, a confused look on his face. "What for?"

"Listen to 'Stargirl Interlude'," you shrugged, a smirk on your face. "And tell your mom not to listen to it, yeah?"

He smirked. "Whatever you say baby," and with that, he kissed you. His large hands holding your cheeks as you kissed him back, happy to be in his arms again.

---------------

comments

user15: OMFG 'STARLGIRL INTERLUDE' WHAT IS GOING ON

user12: wishing i was y/n rn....

landonorris: being horny on main? cringe.

-> y/ny/l/n: not winning for 6 years? cringe.

-> maxfewtrell: HA

lewishamilton: we told yall 🤷🤷🤷

pierregasly: kika has not stopped playing this 💙💙💙

-> user51: as she should.

danielriccardo: since when was my back replaced with oscar's y/n???

-> oscarpiastri: sorry mate, just better 🤷🤷🤷

-> y/ny/l/n: at least daniel's better at keeping his pants on online 😁

-> oscarpiastri: ok I deserved that.

-> landonorris: HAHAHHAHAH

alexalbon: RELAX I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT UR SEX LIFE.

-> y/ny/l/n: bitch ik all about urs too. lily tells me everything.

-> alexalbon: brb, having a breakdown.

logansargeant: @ oscarpiastri first i had to see your dick and now this? mate leave us alone.

-> oscarpiastri: SHUT UP I APOLOGISED.

-> logansargeant: NOT ENOUGH.

---------------

comments

lewishamilton: mr. stargirl interlude? mr. billie boss nova? mr. the diner? mr. chihiro? is that you?

-> oscarpiastri: hush

logansargeant: @ oscarpiastri hate club leader

-> landonorris: can I join?

-> y/ny/l/n: lando you've been singing chihiro all day. stfu.

-> landonorris: ...

-> user37: were you silent or silenced?

y/ny/l/n: MY BEAUTIFUL BOYFRIEND

-> y/nsbff: thirsting on the main?

-> y/ny/l/n: what have i become?😥

user89: ok, but who is 'i didn't change my number' about?

-> y/ny/l/n: @ logansargeant actually wrote it about williams 😥😥😥

-> logansargeant: Y/N. TOO FAR.

---------------

navigation for my blog :) (masterlist)

[cinnamooniee]

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐮𝐬 [part 2]

Characters : college student jungkook x college student fem reader

Genre : Angst but comfort later on, fluff??

Warnings : Mentions of alcohol.

read part one <3

The sight of his name, even in that small font, made your stomach twist all over again. You hesitated, thumb hovering over the screen. Part of you wanted to answer, to hear what he had to say, to let him try to explain himself—or maybe even apologize. But the other part of you, the part that was exhausted, that was hurting, didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.

With a shaky breath, you silenced the call, letting it ring out as you stared out of the window. The quiet hum of the car and the rhythmic flicker of streetlights through the window felt soothing, like a balm over the jagged edges of your heartache.

A few seconds later, your phone buzzed again. This time, it was a text.

Jungkook: Y/N, please pick up. We need to talk.

You felt a fresh wave of frustration as you read his message. The nerve he had to act like he cared now, after all those hurtful things he’d said. All you’d wanted was to understand, to find some kind of way back to the closeness you once shared. But instead, he’d pushed you away, dismissed your feelings, and thrown blame at you as if you were the one at fault.

Another text buzzed through, then another.

Jungkook: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say those things.

Jungkook: Can we just talk? I need to explain.

Your phone continued buzzing, message after message lighting up the screen. Each one made you grip your seatbelt a little tighter, fighting the urge to respond. You couldn’t—at least not right now. The words wouldn’t come, not when everything felt so tangled and raw inside.

Finally, there was a pause, a minute or two of silence. You exhaled, trying to ground yourself in that temporary calm. But the quiet didn’t last long.

Maybe you’re asleep already… I’m sorry for bothering you so late.

A pang hit you as you read that line. Did he really think you could just sleep after everything? He knew you better than that—at least, you thought he did. But maybe you’d been wrong all along.

Another text followed, slower, like he was second-guessing himself.

I just hope you got home safe.

You swallowed, feeling an ache settle in. He was probably picturing you curled up in bed, phone on silent, dozing off without a second thought. But here you were, staring at his words in the dim glow of your screen, unable to find peace in any of it.

Ok. I’ll check in tomorrow then, sleep well, Y/N.

The last message hung there, a final thread connecting the two of you, but it felt frayed—worn thin by all the words left unsaid, all the pieces you didn’t know how to put back together.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

The next morning, you roll over to see your phone blinking with unread messages. You try to ignore it, but a knot of guilt tightens in your chest, knowing exactly who it’s from.

You can’t keep avoiding him forever. The thought pops up, uninvited, with a mix of dread and determination. It feels like every time you ignore him, it only makes things worse.

With a sigh, you open the texts. His messages are there, unreadable yet loud on the screen—probably asking if you got home safely, wondering why you didn’t reply. A wave of conflicted emotions rolls over you; you want to explain, but part of you is also tempted to stay hidden.

After a long minute of hesitation, you finally type a reply:

"I was tired last night."

Then you erase it.

"I got home fine, thanks."

Delete.

"Thanks for checking in on me."

Another delete.

With a frustrated sigh, you run a hand through your hair, feeling ridiculous for spending so long trying to find the perfect words. You don’t owe him an explanation; there’s no need to apologize or over-explain.

Finally, you settle on a message:

"I got home safe."

Plain, simple. It’s just enough to let him know you’re okay without giving away too much. You hit send before you can change your mind, then set your phone down, wondering if this will finally ease the tension… or make things even harder.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

The morning drags on, and you keep glancing at your phone, half-expecting a response from Jungkook. But the silence only amplifies your nerves. Just as you’re about to drown yourself in the endless sea of homework, your phone buzzes, and it’s him.

"Hey, can I come over?"

Your heart races at the thought of him showing up, and you hesitate, staring at the screen. You want to tell him no, to reinforce the distance, but the words just won’t come. Instead, you let it go unanswered, hoping he’ll take the hint and change his mind.

Two hours pass, and just as you start to relax, a sudden knock on your door jolts you from your thoughts. You freeze, your heart pounding in your chest.

“Y/N?” Jungkook’s voice comes through, slightly muffled but unmistakable. “I brought you something.”

Your stomach sinks, surprised that he actually came over. You take a deep breath and make your way to the door, opening it just a crack. Jungkook stands there, looking a bit disheveled, holding a small bouquet of flowers that looks like it came from the local convenience store—a few wilted blooms tied together with a fraying ribbon.

“I, uh… I got these for you,” he says, awkwardly holding them out like a peace offering. “I didn’t want to come empty-handed. Can I come in?”

A wave of frustration crashes over you. He really thinks this is okay? After last night, he just shows up with cheap flowers? “Why do you think that’s going to change anything?” you snap, your anger bubbling to the surface. “You yelled at me and acted like it was no big deal . What do you mean? We had a fight and you dumped me--maybe?! And now you're just...

You don't even have the words to explain your frustration right now.

His eyes widen in surprise, and you can see the realization dawning on him, but you don’t give him a chance to respond. “Oh, and let’s not forget how you flirted with that girl right in front of me! And that you went right back to it after we fought."

He looks taken aback, mouth opening slightly as if to respond, but you cut him off once more. “I don’t even know what you want from me! You show up here like nothing happened. Do you think some wilting flowers are going to fix this?”

His expression shifts from surprise to guilt, and you can see he’s struggling for the right words. “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way, Y/N. I just wanted to talk.”

“Talk?” You scoff, arms crossed tightly over your chest. “What’s there to talk about? You decided to bail when things got tough, and now you’re here with a lame excuse for an apology?”

“I didn’t bail! I just…” He runs a hand through his hair, looking frustrated. “I thought maybe if I came over, we could sort things out. I’m sorry for how I acted. I care about you, okay? I just didn’t know how to handle it.”

You roll your eyes, your heart racing with anger. “Care? If you really cared, you wouldn’t have treated me like that. You think I can just forget that?”

Jungkook’s shoulders slump, and he looks down at the flowers in his hands, the weight of your words clearly hitting him. “I know I messed up. I just thought—”

“Thought what? That this would all be okay just because you showed up with stupid flowers? You’re delusional,” you cut in. “I can’t keep avoiding you, but I’m not just going to pretend like everything’s fine!”

He looks hurt, his eyes searching yours for some sign of understanding. “I just wanted to fix things. I thought you’d want to talk about it too.”

You take a step back, feeling overwhelmed by everything—your anger, your confusion, the weight of his gaze. “I’m busy, Jungkook. Just… just go.”

Please,” he finally says, his voice quiet but firm. “I just want to talk to you. I’m not leaving until we sort this out.”

“What do you want me to say?” you shoot back, your frustration boiling over. “You come here with flowers like that fixes everything, and you expect me to just let you in? You really think I’m going to be okay after last night?”

“I know I messed up!” he replies, his frustration matching yours. “But I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t realize how it would come across, and I want to explain myself. Can we at least talk about what happened?”

You stare at him, the determination in his eyes making it hard to look away. As much as you want to slam the door in his face, a part of you is curious—maybe even hopeful. But that hope is buried deep under layers of anger and confusion.

“I’m not interested in hearing excuses,” you finally say, trying to keep your voice steady. “You’ve already made it clear how you feel.”

“I know,” he admits, his voice dropping. “And I get why you’re angry. But please, just give me a chance to explain. I don’t want to lose you over this.”

You feel a mix of emotions swirling inside you—anger, hurt, and a hint of the connection you’ve had with him. You want to scream at him, to tell him to leave, but another part of you just wants to hear what he has to say.

“Fine,” you say finally, your voice low. “But you better not waste my time.”

As you step back and open the door wider, Jungkook enters, his gaze focused on you as he takes a seat on the edge of your bed. He looks around your room, a hint of nervousness in his posture.

“I’m sorry,” he begins, his voice softer now. “I just… I messed up, and I’m trying to fix it. I didn’t mean to flirt with that girl; it was stupid, and I didn’t think about how it would affect you. I get that it made you feel uncomfortable, and I should have been more aware. You’re the only one I want to be with.”

You hold his gaze, searching for sincerity in his eyes. “You don’t get to just play around with my feelings, Jungkook. You can’t expect me to just forget everything because you’re suddenly apologetic.”

“I know, I know,” he replies, desperation creeping into his voice. “But I’m here now. I want to make things right. Just tell me what I need to do. I’ll do anything.”

You take a deep breath, fighting the urge to soften. “You don’t get it. It’s not about flowers or grand gestures. It’s about respect and understanding. If you want to be with me, you need to start acting like it.”

“I will. I promise,” he says, leaning forward, his sincerity palpable. “I care about you, and I’ll do whatever it takes to prove that.”

You stare at him, the walls around your heart feeling like they’re starting to crack just a little. But the anger still simmers beneath the surface. “Just know that I’m not going to make it easy for you.”

“I wouldn’t want it any other way,” he replies, a small smile breaking through the tension. “Just let me try.”

You give him a reluctant look, still wary, maybe—just maybe—this could be a step toward something better..? Maybe he meant it. Maybe he truly was sorry.

As the tension hangs heavy in the air, Jungkook shifts slightly, a mixture of determination and vulnerability in his expression. You can see the sincerity in his eyes, and it stirs something within you—an urge to let go of the anger, if only for a moment.

He leans closer, and without thinking, you hold your breath, your heart racing as he reaches out. His fingers graze your arm softly, and it sends a jolt of electricity through you. Then, in a surprising yet gentle motion, he cups your face, tilting it toward him.

“I’m really sorry,” he whispers, his voice barely above a murmur. “For everything. Last night was a mess, and I shouldn’t have treated you like that.”

Before you can respond, his lips brush against yours—soft and hesitant at first, as if he’s testing the waters. The kiss is sweet, laced with an apology that goes deeper than words. You can feel the warmth radiating from him, and for a fleeting moment, the anger dissipates, replaced by a wave of emotions you thought were buried.

He pulls back slightly, his forehead resting against yours, breathing heavily. “I swear, nothing happened with that girl. It was all just… nothing. I don’t want anyone else but you, Y/N. You mean too much to me.”

Your heart flutters at his words, and he continues, his voice earnest. “You’re amazing. You’re smart, beautiful, and so much more than I deserve. I take back every single thing I said last night. I was an idiot. I was half drunk, and we had been fighting for weeks before that- and I just didn’t know how to handle it."

You look into his eyes, searching for any hint of insincerity, but all you see is raw honesty. “I messed up,” he admits, his expression vulnerable. “But I want to make it right. I want to show you that I care.”

The sincerity in his voice tugs at your heart, and you find yourself softening. “It’s just hard for me to trust you right now,” you confess, your voice wavering slightly.

“I get it,” he replies, his thumb gently stroking your cheek. “But I’ll prove it to you. I’m here, and I want to be with you. Just give me a chance.”

You take a deep breath, feeling the weight of his gaze. In that moment, everything else fades away, and it’s just the two of you—raw, real, and vulnerable. You nod slowly, your heart racing as the anger you held onto begins to melt away, replaced by something warm and hopeful.

“Okay,” you finally say, your voice barely above a whisper. “Just… show me.”

Jungkook’s expression brightens, relief washing over him as he leans in once more, capturing your lips with his in another soft kiss. This time, it feels different—deeper, more meaningful, as if it’s sealing a promise between you.

As you pull away, you can’t help but smile a little, the tension easing between you. “You better keep that promise,” you tease lightly, though your heart still flutters at the warmth of his presence.

“I will,” he assures you, his eyes sparkling with a mix of mischief and sincerity. "I love you Y/N, I really do"

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

tags<3 : @thelittlecatonthecake

[caltropspress]

RAPS + CRAFTS #35: Hester Valentine

1. Introduce yourself. Past projects? Current projects?

I’m Hester Valentine and I’m a Bronx-based rapper. I just dropped a compilation called Valenta this year and I’ve got a record out with Karma Kids called I Can’t Cut Your Hair produced by Outside House. I’m coming different next year though, for sure.

2. Where do you write? Do you have a routine time you write? Do you discipline yourself, or just let the words come when they will? Do you typically write on a daily basis?

I write mostly in my room, but wherever I have an idea and can write it down I’ll write. I’ve written stuff at work, waiting for people, on my commute places, etc. I definitely let the words come to me when they will. I’ve been trying to get more structured in how I write and the amount of consistent time I give the craft, but I certainly fall a bit short in that regard. I guess the most daunting part of that process is the uncertainty of it. It’s a bit difficult not feeling nice every time you put pen to paper because there isn’t a specific direction you’re going in and that self-doubt breeds procrastination for me, I think. I gotta remind myself that for every dope DOOM verse, there’s probably five weak ones he scrapped getting there. 

3. What’s your medium—pen and paper, laptop, on your phone? Or do you compose a verse in your head and keep it there until it’s time to record?

I write on my phone almost exclusively. I haven’t written a full verse in a notebook since like ninth grade. I can hardly imagine it honestly, considering how messy my handwriting tends to be. Over the recent years, I’ve developed a bit of a rude habit of jotting notes mid-conversation out of fear of forgetting them. I try to keep the least amount of my information in my head as I can because I am bound to forget some aspect of the idea or line and that is really frustrating. I am not especially disciplined with my note taking though (especially when high), so I end up losing shit all the time. What’s that Kanye line, "Does he write his own rhymes? / Well, sort of, I think 'em, / That mean I forgot better shit than you ever thought of.”

4. Do you write in bars, or is it more disorganized than that?

I write in bars, absolutely. I put the dashes and all that shit. I’ve seen some people get real specific in notating their verses for inflections and stuff like that, but I’ve never gotten that specific. That’s mostly where the disorganization finds itself in my process. I usually rap the verse over and over to find my voice, but I usually have the bars written and structured before recording anything. I used to split three hour sessions with one of my mans and that kinda got me in the habit of just coming to any recording prepared because, if I didn’t, I’d leave with nothing done. So a lot of times, I’d come in knowing exactly which bars I’m using, how long I’m rapping, where I want breaks for adlibs, etc. 

5. How long into writing a verse or a song do you know it’s not working out the way you had in mind? Do you trash the material forever, or do you keep the discarded material to be reworked later?

Sometimes it’s within five minutes of writing a verse and sometimes it is after I hear a demo and I’m like, “This idea is completely lifeless.” There have been times where I’d go into sessions high on certain demos and unsure about others and once I hear them, be completely flipped on them. The stuff that doesn't make it past five minutes for me gets saved because I just don’t throw things away. They’re always in my notes on the cloud for however long because I’m a hoarder. That gives me the chance to be surprised by them in a different context later on down the road. I’ve definitely had lines that may have felt off to me while writing that I was able to rework and bring something out of when revisiting. Complete demos though, I rarely revisit. If it doesn’t work for me for a long enough period, I just stop listening altogether. I don’t delete them because again, I hoard shit, but I don’t try to get on some Stockholm syndrome shit with it and force myself to be into the song. 

6. Have you engaged with any other type of writing, whether presently or in the past? Fiction? Poetry? Playwriting? If so, how has that mode influenced your songwriting?

I’ve dabbled in other stuff, but it’d be disrespectful to say that I’ve engaged in any meaningful way. I’ve done a few standup sets when I was younger, tried writing a screenplay a few times, but I definitely think writing raps is the thing that I’ve gotten most of my confidence as a writer from. If I ever returned to those mediums, it’d be with a new confidence that committing to rapping has given me. 

7. How much editing do you do after initially writing a verse/song? Do you labor over verses, working on them over a long period of time, or do you start and finish a piece in a quick burst?

I tend to do quick bursts. I’m not a super confident writer honestly, so I don’t spend much time laboring over the stuff. I take my time while writing and I’ll go back and fix things that are obviously clunky. Maybe I reuse a word a few times or I’ve got too many syllables in a line, but, besides that, I go with what’s written mostly. I do a lot of considering and reworking lines as I’m doing them. I’ll think of a line on the train, write it down, and rephrase it a few times to get the funniest/most interesting bits of it out, so by time I’m done with the verse I’m just tidying it up. 

8. Do you write to a beat, or do you adjust and tweak lyrics to fit a beat?

I do a bit of both. I may start with an opening set of bars (about 2-4) and then finish the verse writing to the beat. I find that if I write something for a beat, I don’t like to repurpose it. It just throws me off too much because I've already gotten used to how I like it sounding on this particular beat. Even if I can find something with a similar BPM or whatever, I still feel like I’m missing cues or something. I’ve had some dope verses get scrapped and I’m like, “I really wanna reuse these bars, but shit ain’t gonna hit the same.” The pocket half the reason I fuck with the lines in the first place!

9. What dictates the direction of your lyrics? Are you led by an idea or topic you have in mind beforehand? Is it stream-of-consciousness? Is what you come up with determined by the constraint of the rhymes?

It’s mostly stream-of-consciousness. I think I often start with an idea, line, or phrase that I find striking or funny and build from there. The connection line-by-line is there for me, even if it reads a bit random from an outside POV. I’ve always appreciated that kind of specificity in rappers I love. There’s something assuring about hearing a nigga bug out with the rhymes and not getting every single word, reference, etc., but knowing that the rapper themselves is in complete awareness of what’s going on and are giving you something from a very particular lens. I write in this style because it’s the style that feels most personal to me. Finding the universality in that stream-of-consciousness is way more rewarding than being overly didactic, in my opinion. Sometimes, ideas have to be shaped and molded to fit a rhyme, but if too much of the idea is lost or the line just doesn't sound dope anymore, I’ll scrap the line and save it for something else. 

10. Do you like to experiment with different forms and rhyme schemes, or do you keep your bars free and flexible?

I like to think I’m fairly eclectic. I try to do whatever I think is dope for the song/verse. I gotta see myself fail at an idea that I like before I rule it out. 

11. What’s a verse you’re particularly proud of, one where you met the vision for what you desire to do with your lyrics?

I think my song, “Lebron Meme” is the verse/song I’m most proud of. I think a lot of my vision for my lyrics revolves around blends of moods and aesthetics. I like pairing really brash, direct lines with something a bit more vague and “poetic” sounding, for lack of a better term. In theory, my verses should work on multiple levels. It should be raw and in your face, but also meditative, and I think I really strike that balance on "Lebron Meme" well. 

I’ll blend goofy pop culture references (“Revenge, we outside the house like Julie Chen”)  with lines like, “My girl wanna know what the song mean, / I speak my truths how they were spoken to me, / Some nights, this feel like a gift, / Other nights, a disease.” I feel that the moody, introspective parts of my writing and the sillier, darkly funny parts are given equal importance on this record. I like writing stuff that you can’t just put into a box. I’m always trying to strike this tone of humor mixed with horror and sadness. I think my sensibilities worked really well on this one. 

I also say some slick shit in there, in my opinion. I think that’s always key for me beyond the other shit - just saying dope, clever shit. I was proud of the wordplay here, “Our ISBN conflicting digits, / Nonpareil, the style not enteric, / Bite at ya own risk, numbers shaved off the biscuits, / They butter me up, I get to slipping, / I can’t trust they intentions.” I think the blend of approaches helps create a really tense song that is equal parts hilarious as it is depressive and eerie. 

12. Can you pick a favorite bar of yours and describe the genesis of it?

One of my favorite bars is on a track called “god is not listening”:

Brag raps all I felt was the disconnect, Blood of the hunted slathered across the chest, Ovaries rattled around my neck like the most bulbous of chains, I betray my upbringing with every single breath.

This is an idea I had kicking around in my head for some time because I thought the imagery of a man literally wearing the ovaries of his female conquests was really striking and powerful. I initially thought of it when I was considering the difference in how losing your virginity is perceived for men and women. The song, from my view, is about me toggling between my desires in a music industry and a society where conquering is seen as success. I felt a disconnect between my feelings about my art and my place in the ecosystem and the confidence that I felt was necessary to project on record. I’ve been feeling a disconnect between the rap game I grew up idolizing as a child and my values as a grown adult. I often think, “Is this the shit I really wanted? Is everything I grew up idolizing as a kid a function of some darker system predicated on control of others? Is to succeed in these traditional ways of viewing success, whether it be having the most money, being the most esteemed, etc - is that all just systems of control? Am I fucked up for wanting it?" So, to me, I thought it was important to display the brag raps in a way that really highlighted the barbaric nature of it. Everything these rappers brag about having stems from a place of exploitation and wanting it for myself makes me no better than them, I believe. So, I really wanted to write a line that highlighted my disgust effectively and contextualized why my feelings towards these paths to “success” were so conflicted.  

13. Do you feel strongly one way or another about punch-ins? Will you whittle a bar down in order to account for breath control, or are you comfortable punching-in so you don’t have to sacrifice any words?

I love punch-ins. A lot of my favorite rappers right now punch-in damn near every bar. I love that you can do that and play with it and add another dimension to your schemes with that. I have songs where I will punch-in on certain bars and let the punch-in go over each other and mix that with more traditional sounding rhymes just to add some variance. "Cane, Dewey" off In All Its Messiness is the clearest example of that, I think. "Panic" and "Blood War" off I Can’t Cut Your Hair have opening bars that are punched in like that, but I think they got a little more nudged in place on the final mix though. I love it though and will intentionally write pockets of the verse like that. I also don’t get purists who want to record all in one take, either. Well, I get it in some respects, but also why not take advantage of technology? I want to give the best sounding performance I can. When I rap it live, that’s a different story, but I don’t think it matters if I am in the booth and losing breath on lines because I want to rap it straight on some ego shit. I’d rather punch in where it’s necessary and hit every line with conviction. 

14. What non-hiphop material do you turn to for inspiration? What non-music has influenced your work recently?

I love a lot of non-hip-hop music. I was just talking with my partner about how “Usher” off of I Can’t Cut Your Hair is kinda like my attempt to re-make "Mass Production" by Iggy Pop. I’m constantly finding inspiration in 70s no wave stuff and 80s post punk shit, too. Bands like Suicide, Neu!, Teenage Jesus and the Jerks, and Talking Heads were huge for me. I also love pop music, dearly.  A Distant Shore by Tracey Thorn was my go-to record for a minute.

I’m also a big media consumer - I can’t lie. Nothing all that highbrow neither. I be watching cooking shows and wrestling stuff in my spare time. That stuff helps to give me words or ideas to play with and reference. I’m watching MasterChef and I’m like, “Damn, what rhymes with aioli?” My job works in that way too. I was working at a laundromat and suddenly I got all these flips about clothes and stuff because it’s on my mind! 

In terms of my sensibilities, I think a lot of what I find funny and interesting is informed by shows, movies, and books I’ve loved growing up. I was really into David Lynch, Charlie Kaufman, Franz Kafka, Kurt Vonnegut, etc. in school. Most recently I’ve been obsessed with Nathan Fielder and his stuff. A lot of stuff I like is really funny, but also a bit scary and sad. I like work that really challenges you to reflect on an experience in a way deeper than That was funny! or That was scary! The Sopranos is hilarious and sad and intense all in the same show, same season, even the same scene sometimes. I think that truth is found in that gray area because most of the events in our life that we can reflect on elicit more than one single emotion. I think memories tend to be pretty loaded in regard to emotions. I’m constantly living in that gray where what I know about a situation seems to contradict itself, and I like to capture that emotional uncertainty in my work.

15. Writers are often saddled with self-doubt. Do you struggle to like your own shit, or does it all sound dope to you?

I certainly struggle to like my own shit. I’m jealous of the New York MC that loves his own shit and thinks his area is the greatest area in the world and that everything with his name on it is a classic. Like maybe one day I’ll wake up with Troy Ave confidence, you know? I’m still young in this music thing, so I think I’m still looking externally for validation a lot of times. I’m still halfway wondering, Was that bar clever? I like my shit when I write it and I trust my taste more than I trust other people’s, but I’m always afraid of being delusional about my abilities and who I am as an artist. I guess that’s just the tension that comes with putting yourself out there for others. You’re constantly thinking, Does this shirt make me look fat? 

16. Who’s a rapper you listen to with such a distinguishable style that you need to resist the urge to imitate them?

I’d say DOOM and Pusha T are the main rappers where I noticed that my style was being drawn a lot from early on. Ab-Soul and Heems were also two of the first rappers I ever wanted to sound like, for real. As I got older, milo, woods, and Mach were the rappers I had to kind of chill out on because it was becoming too close. I was flipping niggas like Dutch traders and shit and doing adlibs like woods - I had to pull back. A lot of my favorite MCs are idiosyncratic in one way or another, so I often find myself having to go, Don’t say it exactly like Rory.   

17. Do you have an agenda as an artist? Are there overarching concerns you want to communicate to the listener?

I’ll be honest: I don’t know yet. I make stuff because I like it and hope other people like it too. That’s all I really want. 

RAPS + CRAFTS is a series of questions posed to rappers about their craft and process. It is designed to give respect and credit to their engagement with the art of songwriting. The format is inspired, in part, by Rob McLennan’s 12 or 20 interview series.

Photo credit: FleeGriot

[alovesreading]

having a pathetic mental breakdown rn cos i truly feel like i have lost my ability to write. i’ve been trying, i swear, but i just hate everything i’m writing and it’s so fucking frustrating. currently crying cos it’s apparently the only thing i know how to properly do. anyway, i’ll probably delete this later in the morning but i’m just so fucking annoyed at myself cos i really wanted to post soon but all i can write is utter fucking wank. i hate it and i hate myself. yous deserve someone who can keep up with their writing quality and is consistent with their posting, i’m so sorry i’m a fucking mess. i hate letting people down and i feel like that’s all i’m doing at the moment.

[ghxstgvrlx]

Alright.

I have a list.

Therapy.

Doctor.

Job.

Move to a bigger apartment in 1 year because I really just feel suffocated, I really just need space.

Try to keep it light and relax and remember to stay grounded, feet on the ground. On earth.

Remember to just breathe. Nothing is that serious. Try not to creep people out by just being angry and misguided in some ways when you’re like this. You know what you mean but you have to be so careful how you say things because this isn’t a movie. This is real life, it’s fine to romanticize things you might feel the need to but you have to remember just the reality of life that you usually do.

Probably meds of some sort. I think it’s time to try again.

Get close to family.

Distance from anything too heavy rn. Don’t play around with such serious stuff, you know you don’t mean it but no one else does. You don’t have a great track record with being stable. Sometimes people just like fucking with you because they know they can in the moment. You know you’re intentions, find a way to get you’re points across and you’re desires for your future clear and maybe stay away from anything that might make things worse. It’s gonna get better, remember when you’re normal you’re fine. You just have to be a little more careful than others to remember to stay grounded and articulate. No more saying things you know you don’t mean just to feel something. Numb and sad and frustrated is fine. But scary however is a lot less savory and a lot less easy for people to back up. If you want help and real true help that your logical mind knows you need, you need to separate yourself from some art and music at this point and time. You may like aesthetics for fun but the world is serious. Bad things happen to people and it’s not fair. Nothing is fair. You really need to not joke about things you will regret later. In your logical mind, when you’re not ultra depressed and lonely, you know what you’re joking about is wrong. You hate it when you say stuff like that, something infiltrated your mind and doesn’t belong there. You’re not really reaching out for real help, so you’re really only gonna find things you don’t need or want. Just breathe. It’s okay. Breeeeattheeee

There will be a time where I look back on feeling this low and feeling like “you said what?” “You didn’t actually say that did you?” “You know better.” “You know you’re a good person in your heart and you don’t want to hurt anyone or yourself, you’re just tired of being hurt.” And don’t share anything you KNOW you don’t mean.

I find myself spiraling sometimes and once I follow a rabbit hole I get deeper and more brainwashed and it takes longer to be like Jesus Christ dude stop.

I’ll probably delete this. But I really don’t wanna make the same mistakes as last time. Just keep your head on straight and try to just focus on healing and getting better and in a better situation.

And please for anyone actually reading this, don’t take me literally. I don’t mean half the shit I say right now. I’m just frustrated with my life. That doesn’t mean the world is ending. lol it’s not. The world is just fine. I’ll just focus on fixing MY problems, that’s the only way to actually accomplish anything real for yourself.

Also there are people wiling to help and be your genuine friend. Stop pushing them away. You’re not scary. lol which is why you’re doing what you’re doing. You’re afraid you’re gonna get hurt and someone will break your heart when it’s already broken. The people who know you know what’s wrong and know what you mean. Stay off the fucking internet and try not to spiral deep into the abyss.

I saw some good advice that stuck earlier about saying hyperboles more often when you want to say something maybe a bit edgy or a bit concerning lol I needed to hear that, thank you.

There’s just like wayyyy too many possibilities and toxic shit online and irl that pull people who are lost into a place they can’t come back from. Those aren’t your thoughts and you know it. Don’t let anyone pray on you to go to an extreme place. You don’t need to be extreme. You’re perfectly fine being your chill and level headed sweet self. Let people see that. That’s better than some edgy bullshit that causes real people to hurt deeply. Be genuine, not scared. You’re okay. No one is going to hurt you. Just get in a better position to where you can protect yourself against the shit you put yourself through. Choose more wisely.

I don’t like who I’ve become tonight. I’m gonna need help not to do it again. It’s not okay. And I’m sorry.

[spiral-in-the-hole]

I wanted to go on a small rant or whatever the fuck it’s called cause something I often read or hear that pisses me off a lot. (Mention of bullying by the way, so if that makes you uncomfortable then you probably shouldn’t read this.)

Y’know how a lot of parents say that when somebody bullies you it means they like you? And the trope of where the bully and victim get together. It’s so dumb honestly. It romanticizes being bullied when really it’s one of the most horrible things one can experience in a school. And I apologize if this is just me being sensitive but I feel like it’s also very disrespectful to victims of bullying and distorts the perspective of what liking somebody actually is, it can also very well make young children feel like they shouldn’t tell others that they’re being bullied because it’s just “somebody liking them.”. Liking/loving somebody is not liking/loving somebody if you purposely do anything to harm them, if you do that then you just don’t like/love them, it’s something else. I don’t have anything else to say/write here, I just wanted to write this because it genuinely pisses me off to no end when somebody writes a “bully and victim to lovers” kind of thing or when somebody tells an impressionable child that if somebody bullies them it just means they “like them”. I’ll probably delete this later, again, sorry if I just seem like I’m being sensitive, I just needed an outlet for my frustration about this.

[pidgecv]

i have to get up on time tomorrow and i’m exhausted and can hardly think thoughts in properly. anyways i know it’s not my job to think about but i’m thinking abt how jo would have a particularly rough time with V going on his fucking journey of enlightenment.

aka unfinished bullshit where the second V leaves, everything is a lot less functional and Cleo immediately sustains a head injury.

i’ll be surpised if this makes any sense tomorrow morning and even more surprised if it’s any good.

knowing me i speedran mischaracterization

feeling cute might delete later idk teehee :p

Naturally, things were going to be a lot less efficient without V around. Cleo had admittedly always been a bit of a follower, and if it weren’t for the fact that she had plenty to do between the glorified chore list V left them to split and her own intensifying search for Ellie, she’d probably be a lot more lost than she was now.

Jo had been particularly despondent the last couple days. Ever since V had pitched the idea of him going out on his own for a while, Jo had become mopey and generally unpleasant. Cleo would be lying if she said she wasn’t worried about him herself, but this was ridiculous. The day V actually left, Jo spent 3 hours glaring at the door. At the same time, Cleo could hardly find a second alone now. Jo was acting very clingy, which when paired with the upset bitchiness was bound to end poorly. This ended up coming to a head when Cleo was about to go check out a lead on her sister’s location.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Jo spat with all the confidence of a righteous mother scolding her child. Cleo was not having it.

“Out. Just because V’s out there fucking soul-searching or whatever doesn’t mean I’ve gotta stop what I’ve been doing.” She met Jo’s glare with an annoyed look of her own.

“Like hell you’re going without me. We’ve gotta stick together now even more than before. Besides, we were just out scavenging, and we’ve got more than enough to do in the base right now.”

“I’ve done my packing for the day. I’m not grounded or anything and I’m an adult, I can leave the damn base.”

“This is different and you know it. There’s actual danger out there. I know you saw the infected as well, and with V gone we’ve lost our resident medic.”

“We haven’t ‘lost’ anyone. Besides, I’m not going to get hurt. I leave the base on my own all the time. Why’ve you got a problem with it now? What the hell has gotten into you?”

“What are you even talking about?!”

“You’ve been acting strangely ever since V decided to leave.”

“Did you forget about the BOMB THREAT?!”

“I know DAMN well that THIS isn’t about the bomb threat. You’re upset that V left and now you’re taking it out on ME.”

“Well, MAYBE you should’ve helped me convince him to stay.”

“I tried, jackass! He wouldn’t hear it and you know that.”

“It’s dangerous to be alone out there and we should be sticking together right now!”

“You think I don’t KNOW that?! I’m not LEAVING I’m going OUT for a little.”

“Like hell you are!”

“Oh my fucking god Jo, you’re not my mom.”

“I’m not letting you leave me too!”

“I’m not GOING ANYWHERE!”

“DAMN RIGHT!!”

“I’M GOING OUT WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. MANIFEST YOUR DAMN ISSUES SOMEWHERE ELSE!!” Cleo shouted, shouldering Jo out of the way in an effort to leave the base. Jo grabbed her arm and in a desperate, frustrated panic yanked her backwards hard enough for Cleo to go crashing to the ground. The side of her head hit the wall behind them with a loud crack and Jo froze, unsure of what to do.

Jo had not meant to do that. Frankly, she wasn’t sure what she’d meant to do or why she was so worried about Cleo leaving in the first place. Maybe she didn’t want to deal with an injury since it would mean more work for her. Maybe she didn’t like the tone Cleo had taken on while talking to her. Maybe it was the thought of being alone again, sitting in a house that’s empty save for the silence filling every corner of every room. Maybe she had been scared.

Meanwhile, Cleo somehow remained conscious but deeply confused. Her glasses had been knocked off from the impact which only fueled her disorientation. She wasn’t sure if her vision had been messed up by the fall or if she just needed to find her glasses. A blurry figure loomed over her, before kneeling at her side (why was Cleo laying down?) and handing her her glasses. The lights were very bright and her head hurt (did she hit her head?). She put her glasses on but her vision remained blurry and strange (she would ask her mom to schedule an eye doctor appointment when she came home from work).

“Cleo?” Cas asked her, as she started propping herself up on her elbows. The slight motion made her head throb and the edges of her watery vision darken and blur.

“Cas, can you call for Hannah? I think I’m sick.”

“What? Cleo, you hit your head. I’m just going to go get some ice.” Cas declared, sounding uncharacteristically lost.

“We don’t have any ice kiddo, it’s the apocalypse. Remember?” Cleo laughed humorlessly, managing to sit up against a wall. Ellie said nothing in return as Cleo felt her eyes slip shut. But she couldn’t nod off, she was in a lecture. Something warm trickled down the side of her head and onto her shoulder. Cleo raised her hand.

“Put your hand down Cleo, and hold this to the side of your hea- oh fuck.”

“Professor, can I go to the nurse?”

“You know what? Sure. Cmon man, up you go.” thin arms looped around Cleo’s torso and pulled her up. The fuzzy world pitched around her and she could barely put one foot in front of the other. The ice pack fell from her loose grip almost immediately, hitting the floor with a clatter that pierced her brain like a hot knife.

“Whysm head ‘urt?” Cleo asked, words starting to slur as she navigated the fuzzy world.

“Uh, you hit your head.”

“Oh.” Cleo returned her focus to moving her legs. Her vision started to fade out at the edges.”

“Cas, i thinkm gonna fall—“ The last thing Cleo heard before her vision went dark was a panicked voice she couldn’t place saying something in response.

She’s fine btw

unused line: “Jo had no idea what to do. Not just with Cleo, but herself.”

they both agree to never tell V about this. whether he finds out regardless is up to interpretation.

i know nothing about head injuries and i don’t care to do research. i am well aware that this type of thing would take a long ass time to heal but i’m ignoring that bc i think it’s funnier if they do not tell V.

[restinslices]

I’m ranting about being depressed because I don’t wanna keep spamming my friends. You don’t have to read this. I’ll probably delete this later.

Quick trigger warning for depression, mental illness in general, sewer slide thoughts, just a bunch of icky feelings. I am not feeling cash money

Going through hospitalization and thinking “wow, I’ve gotten better” only to get extremely depressed again is so disappointing. I went through multiple hospitals from January 2022 to around August or September of 2023. Now I knew I’d get depressed again because that’s just how life is, but I didn’t think it’d get so bad. I’ve gotten depressed since then and I’ve handled it pretty well but now I’m exhausted as fuck and the fact I lowkey wanna *insert windows shutdown sound* is so disappointing and makes me feel like a complete failure because I thought we were better than this twin. I’m both sleeping all day and have no energy to do simple things like walking to the other room and not being able to sleep at all. I’m both glad I’m alive and don’t have some illness, and “if someone were to shoot me, I’d probably thank them”. Like??? It feels like all the work I did means absolutely nothing. Like everyone put their faith in me and I’m letting them down over and over again. Especially this time.

And I don’t know wtf I’m doing. I feel like people really don’t understand how hard it is to look forward and have solid goals when you were never supposed to live this long. I didn’t think I’d make it out of middle school. Then I did. Then I didn’t think I’d graduate high school. Then I did. And it’s like “well… uhh, this is awkward”. Everyone has something they’re doing and you still can’t believe you’re actually alive and breathing still. It’s such a pathetic feeling and I hate it.

And my family has a tendency to not really pay attention or validate anything I say because I’m the youngest sibling and I always make jokes. If I don’t say “I’m gonna kill myself”, no one actually listens to what I say which is frustrating because I don’t feel like I should be at that point to gain a bit of sympathy. A lot of times, I just wanna rant and know someone is listening. I remember I tried this with my mom and said how I felt like no one listens to me because they only see me as the goofy sibling and she said, very irritated, “well you can’t change how people see you”. My mistake for interrupting the game on your phone. And this is a constant thing and I’m always bouncing between “wow, I really wish I felt heard” and “dude stop bitching”. I’m finna start tweaking and climb up my walls.

But yeah. I feel like dog shit because depression and wanting to Kate Marsh is beating my ass right now. And I feel like a failure for not being able to just thug it out. Idk. I feel like me being this depressed just shows no matter how much help I get, I’m never gonna be the person people want or need me to be. I’m always gonna be the fuck up. Younger me would despise me. She was so smart, confident, pretty, thin, sociable, mentally stable, plus other shit. She was recognized as young and gifted because of how great her grades were. Now I can hardly do math without getting a headache, I stutter a bunch, my confidence is ass, I’m clearly not mentally stable, I get panic attacks if I’m in public for too long or when talking to new people, I’m everything she never wanted to be. She would be BLOWN if she saw how she ended up.

This isn’t me fishing for sympathetic messages or attention. I’m just getting shit out.

Before I end this, I wanna make it clear that this is NOT a sewer slide note. I’m just stressed and sad and I feel like I’m bitching to my friends irl too much so I’m just venting here. Will I delete this later? Find out next episode.

[roundie89]

2023

December 30th, 2023.

As always, I’d like to write about how my year went.

I grab my little old MacBook Air (which gets powered on like… 5 times a year?) and reflect about my life and how it’s going.

It’s very cathartic.

I tried to start writing it about two days ago, but it didn’t feel right… It really has to be the very end of the year.

Although I always post it on Twitter when I write, this is really just for me now.

I know that there are other chapters here for another person, but I’ll never delete them.

It shows the path I chose.

The choices I made.

And how all of those things led me to being who I am right now.

And I love that.

Because I love me now. Not all the parts - “it’s all a process” as my therapist would say. But I do.

————————

I’d like to reflect on the same themes as I did last year: A retrospective, a “looking forward to the future” message, and a thank you.

(These themes will probably go on for years)

————————

RETROSPECTIVE

My most listened song: you guessed it. Hard Feelings/Loveless by Lorde.

Yes, I hear it all the time. As I said one year ago in this very website, this song saved my life. And it still does.

Ever since I found out that music has power in me, I try to hold on to it for as much as I can.

It’s my medicine.

Although I’m not a lovelorn anymore, sometimes I do get reflective on the past… But this song comes and just washes it all away.

It brings me back to the nowadays. It breaks and mends my heart at the same time.

Maybe that’s why I still hear it all the time… It centers me.

As it says: “I care for myself the way I used to care about you”.

————————

It was a very important year to me.

I didn’t do all the things I wanted to do, but I started to do a lot more.

At the end of this is the year I decided I want to start changing a lot of things in my life. Make it move.

I took the last couple years fixing my head and my heart, and understanding a little about how magnificent and devastating life can be - a lesson that I believe we learn the answer to every day.

But, in December 2023, the very month I’m writing this message, I got a peak at what life is.

How much better, bigger and fascinating life can - and will - be for me.

————————

In the retrospective theme, I’d like to remember one moment that was very important for me in the year.

Long story short, I went to São Paulo for my birthday and there was a very specific moment which I’ll never forget in my entire life.

My birthday is May 1st and, on April 30th, me and some friends got together and went out to some bars in the downtown area of São Paulo.

While we were there, something (didn’t) happen, and I kind of got frustrated… (it’s all good though - It happened later in the year).

But anyways - I was kind of sad and wanted to shut the whole thing down, but (thank God) my friends didn’t let me.

It was close to midnight (which was going to be my birthday) and we were entering the subway to go to another bar.

I kept thinking “I can’t believe I’m gonna start my birthday sad”.

There wasn’t a lot of people on the subways, after all it was close to midnight.

Vicky, Castt, Kyna, Matheus and I were riding the subway’s Yellow Line.

Then it happened.

Midnight striked the clock and Kyna started to sing happy birthday on the subway to me.

Then the rest of our group did.

Then the rest of the subway did.

My head wasn’t sad anymore.

It was surprised.

Surprised that, everything bad I was feeling just a minute before, disappeared.

And surprised that happiness came and filled every vain in my body with gold in the blink of an eye (or the clap of a hand).

It seemed like a movie scene.

How every aspect of it was perfect.

I saw and felt everything in slow motion: the movement of the subway train, the look on my friends’ faces, all the hands clapping, the strangers’ smiles and their eyes pointed at me.

It’s so much bigger than what I could ever write here, but I’d like to eternalize this moment here so I can always remember the feeling of hope I had that night.

————————

“LOOKING FOWARD TO THE FUTURE” MESSAGE

Last year I said I was excited about what 2023 would bring me and… it was good!

It did bring me a lot of essential thoughts about how I live my life and moments that were crucial for my growth.

But I didn’t move one finger for it.

I’ll admit - I was very lazy.

So I promised myself that next year I’ll try.

I’ll try to change my life for the better.

I’d like to leave here a verse from a Taylor Swift song that got important enough to make it to my top songs playlist.

I know that the meaning is completely different than what she meant, but I find it funny how words can literally mean anything depending on the context they’re used.

I think it’s called “pragmatics” or something related to it? I don’t know… My linguist days are behind me now.

Anyway here it is:

“Half awake,

Taking your chance it’s a big mistake

(I said) it might blow up in your pretty face

I’m not saying ‘do it anyway’

But you’re going to”

It’s very interesting that the way she sings and the way the chords are arranged makes me feel like she is “forcing” me to make a big decision (that might blow up in my pretty face).

But also in a very seducing way. A way that if everything goes wrong - it’ll go really wrong.

But, if it goes right…

————————

I’m also really excited about Lorde’s next album. We don’t know anything about it yet but she sang two new songs live in August that I think are from it.

One of those was nicknamed “Silver Moon”, which I probably listened to that live version like 500 times…

Each Lorde album talks about a central emotion from a part of her life.

And I believe I’m updated to it. So I’m very interested in what the next album will talk about, because I’m sure it will translate my emotions for my next phase.

I would also like to leave a verse from that song here too:

“Every night the silver moon it changes,

Can you say the same? Do you stay the same?

[…]

Baby when the moon is gleaming,

With your heart open, breathe in

I would never dream of leaving”

I’d like to think that this is what I’ll feel like this next year. Changing and comfortable with it.

~

“The themes are always the same.

A return to innocence;

The mysteries of the blood;

An itch for the transcendental.”

Part of a poem that Lorde uses in her instagram bio, which I think I can understand what it means.

————————

THANK YOU

First of all, my friends. Which I don’t call them that way anymore.

They’re my family. And as I said last year and probably will repeat for the years to come: I would not be alive if it wasn’t for them.

But this year I also want to thank the man with the hat (you know who you are) and the beautiful woman for helping and looking out for me every step of the way.

I’m very happy I got the chance to meet you both and I hope we get to talk again next year.

(I would never meet them without my mother, Victoria - the main reason I’m still alive - so, a special thanks to you)

Goodbye.

[cazzle-dazzle]

Y’know, I realize I’ve been overthinking this whole fandom & being on social media thing.

Lately, I’ve been bouncing between a lot of short-living hyperfixations and I started to get stressed over it. When I was younger, I’d only have a few, long-lasting interests but as I grew up and had more access to media, I got way more interests and spent less time with them

As someone who’s been thriving on the consistency of having an interest last multiple months to a couple years, the recent constant jumping between fandoms has been getting overwhelming. I’ll get really interested in a thing, want to dive headfirst into everything about it, then not two weeks later I’ve moved on.

The problem’s made worse by that fact that I don’t stop liking the previous interest. I had some love for this thing but it didn’t go away when I found a new thing! So now I feel bad about neglecting the first thing, while also being really occupied with the new thing. I want to just put a pin in the earlier fixation so I can come back to it and all the love I left with it.

But then there’s the fandom aspect. The fandom doesn’t put the interest on pause, they keep up with every little thing about the media so when I come back to it, I’ve fallen behind (and probably got exposed to spoilers, regardless of if I block tags). This gets frustrating after a while and during that time, I’ve just been adding and putting pins in more and more medias and I feel so far behind on everything that I’m not really enjoying any of them.

I guess tonight I kinda snapped and realized I really need to chill tf out

I’m here for fun. I’m on this hellsite to interact with stuff that makes me happy. This isn’t a class where I need to get a good grade in tumblr blog

So fucking what if I haven’t listened to the most recent episode of dndads. And I need to stop myself from even trying to come up with a justification or explanation as to why I haven’t yet. “Oh I don’t really want to keep listening now that Hermie’s dead” “Oh I’ve just been stressed and don’t have the mental space for that” STFU. STOP IT. YOU DONT NEED A REASON. You haven’t watched it, then you haven’t watched it. And that’s FINE!! There is nothing wrong about that! I can still be a fan of dndads and not be caught up. Hell, I don’t even need to stick with S2 if I really don’t want to. Even though I loved S1, even though I liked the first chunk of S2, even if I want to listen to it again, I don’t need to listen now. It’s ok.

I think about making up a list of the fandoms I’m in, but this kinda thing always prevents me from doing so cuz I just get too overwhelmed. What if I write it down but then move on?

Well fuck it, you can delete it later & update it. It doesn’t matter if I jump around between interests, I’m a content-consuming machine and it’s ok that I’m just snacking on 20 different things instead of sticking to one lasting meal. None of it means I’m not enjoying what I’m currently eating

Rn I’m crunching on the magnus archives, so far I’m almost at the end of season 3. It’s pretty good, I’m having fun listening to it while I play pokemon or Stardew valley, even though I end up tuning out half of the episode stories. I’m mainly here for the overall plot that gets thrown in with the supplementals & stuff.

[wildgeese-badideas]

Is it cool if I ask why you’re completely deleting instead of orphaning? I feel like that’s a good way to feel less connected to something you feel is cringe, while keeping it available to people who liked it and may not know to find you on tumblr to preserve it.

I for one really like Homemade Mess. I think you capture Craig being bad at emotions and the kind of small scale things they’d probably disagree about. It’s cute. It’s fluff adjacent. It makes me feel good.

The thing is…this is South Park. Being in this fandom is cringe (hence why I’m anon lol). Maybe my standards are just low (but tbh I don’t think they’re *that* low) but if every good author in this fandom (like yourself) fully deleted a few things they didn’t personally feel were their strongest, we’d have almost nothing left. The sheer amount of scrolling I do before finding something readable let alone good enough to bookmark lol

Anyways thanks for bringing so much great writing into the world. And sorry is this comes across like overstepping (I truly don’t mean it to). And thanks for all the fics

Oh my gosh so so sorry for the late response! I was dying over a fic and rushed to messaging without noticing the ask notif. Anyway, totally fair question! I get where you’re coming from, but if my stuff is deleted (they’re actually in a private collection so they don’t show up on my homepage but I can still see them if I want to), I feel like I can still revisit it at a later date? Like I can always decide to rewrite it or use phrases/paragraphs/descriptions I liked in those fics for new ones. Versus if I orphan them, I lose all claim to my work and I can’t rewrite/copy without it looking like plagiarism.

I definitely don’t wish to cause annoyance or frustration, though, since I’ve also been devastated by deleted fics as a reader. But one of my favorite authors gave a heads up before deleting so we could save stuff and I always appreciated that, so I thought this was a good compromise? Like I’m totally fine with sending people copies so they can reread whenever if it’s a comfort fic. It’s just that some fics have me caught in this weird in-between of being icked out but I don’t necessarily want to cut off ties just yet in case there’s a way I can make them suit my current style more within the same premise.

If you like Homemade Mess in particular I can definitely take a look at rewriting/editing that to reupload soon instead of deleting. I’m open to redoing anything, it’s just that the “under construction” fics are the ones I was actively already working on redoing.

I hope this makes sense, and I’m really sorry for any discomfort that has brought you! Thanks for even caring about my fics, it means a lot and I don’t wish to demean that support or anything. You’re totally in your right to ask this, and I’ll think about editing Homemade Mess and Buttons, since those are the only two ‘permanent deletion’ fics that I wasn’t going to just combine with an upcoming fic.

Lots of love 💕 sorry for the inconveniences 💔