#I’d like to go about my work without essentially being asked what my gender is

[multiversegideons]

My automatic reaction to someone asking me my pronouns is just horrified. I don’t do it on purpose to prove a point of how offensive it is- I generally like to not make a big deal of things- but I just automatically react so negatively and ppl can see that in my eyes and then they go “I’m sorry I’m sorry! I’m just trying to be a good person slhlsmxvlkwkxnglfnsnvlrnabglsnxc”

[skeletonpunching]

Buddy Daddies producer interview

Interview with Tsuji Mitsuhito (P.A. Works producer) and Toba Yosuke (Aniplex producer)

Interviewer: "Buddy Daddies" is an original work, but how did the initial concept for the project come about?

Tsuji: I'd just started parenting children of my own, and I had a discussion with Toba-san about how it might be nice to do something with that theme - that was the start of it. To be honest, I'd brought this up to various producers before, but I was told that stories about "parenting" were a hard sell…

Toba: Personally, I didn't say it was "impossible" from the start. I said first off, I'd go home and think it over. Building a new piece of entertainment around "parenting"... I thought about it, and in the past, there were foreign TV shows like the sitcom "Full House". Going with that general vibe, I thought it might be fun to have a story about people who have no affinity for parenting getting jerked around by children, and having to struggle through it. And also, I thought about including anime-typical action… For example, wouldn't it be fun if someone who usually murders people gets saddled with parenting? It might feel like "Léon" [1994 movie by Luc Besson] or "A Perfect World" [1993 movie by Clint Eastwood], wouldn't it? Something like that. And then Tsuji-san brought up the topic of the Netflix-distributed movie "Polar" [2019 movie, known for starring Mads Mikkelsen], and this became the story of a hard-boiled man raising a child.

Tsuji: The protagonist of that story was an old assassin guy, so I tried to picture him raising a child.

Toba: But characters who are "old guys" are a tough sell, so I wondered, what comes next? (laughs) And there's the common trope of an assassin taking in the child of a target they killed, but it seemed rather hard to set up a natural way for a killer to take in a child of their own accord. Like in the case of "Léon", the young girl Mathilda voluntarily seeks out the assassin herself - that's a good fit. But Tsuji-san said he didn't want the child to be old enough to make up their own mind and act on it themselves. He preferred a younger child.

Tsuji: After all, it's incredibly difficult parenting kids in early childhood, when they're getting wilful and assertive. I wanted to create a character at that age.

Toba: If so, I thought it'd be tough to develop things further… And then I met Shimokura-san [Shimokura Vio, writer for Nitroplus] on another project, and we got to chatting, and I asked for his opinion. And he said, "In that case, having a duo would work well." One of them is a guy who wants to ditch the child and leave them be, but the other's personality is the opposite, and the interactions and dialogue between these two inevitably create a back-and-forth. If you set up a scenario like this, it's bound to go somewhere, he said. I think Shimokura-san helped me immensely by coming up with this excellent idea. So I decided, let's go straight down the route of odd-couple assassins raising a child.

Tsuji: And I think that's how the idea of this as a "buddy story" really got started. The protagonists were a bit younger than the original concept, but we got them up to around their late twenties to thirties.

Toba: And I thought it'd be nice if these two men took on the roles of father and mother. The two men are bringing up a child without any blood ties to them - that's quite a modern story, reflecting how values are diversifying, and I figured this would work well. "Family with no blood ties" and "two people of the same gender raising a child" - I think both of those are really great themes.

Interviewer: In a so-called "buddy story", the way the main characters' dynamic is written is really essential - what did you focus on in the creation process?

Toba: The two of them essentially get along well, but their personalities being direct opposites is easier to work with, so we used that as a base.

Tsuji: One of the characters is in the mother's role, shouldering the main burden of parenting; the other character is a deadbeat dad who takes up the father's role anyway… Starting from this, we came up with their dialogue and personalities.

Toba: A caring mother, and a father who takes his regular job seriously but does absolutely nothing once he gets home. We basically took that setup and changed them into assassins.

Interviewer: Since this is an original work that was created from scratch, was there anything you got especially hung up on?

Toba: The question of how to depict "parenting". If I had to put it into words now, I'd say that "becoming a family" ended up being a major theme.

Tsuji: (Kurusu) Kazuki has experienced lost love, and (Suwa) Rei is a character with no idea what love is, and all this changes through living with the child (Unasaka) Miri. So portraying the changes the two of them undergo is a big part of it.

Toba: Another detail of the story is the inclusion of "relatable parenting moments". For example, how two men go about "hokatsu" (the hunt to enrol their children in daycare), or what reaction two men have the first time they visit a "specialty children's store"... that's fun to see, isn't it? A guy pedalling around with a child on his bicycle, and he's actually an assassin - stuff like that. I think that sort of minor detail brings out the comedic elements and makes the story more engaging.

Interviewer: So basically, making the details of parenting more realistic.

Toba: Of course. Since many of our staff on this project are veteran parents.

Tsuji: There are also veterans among the writers, so they incorporate plenty of "relatable parenting moments".

Toba: We have a scene along the lines of getting a call from the daycare while you're at work, and being told that your child has a fever, and thinking, "Seriously? I'm on the job (assassination) right now."

Tsuji: The protagonists are basically newbies to parenting, so how will they cope with this… I thought it'd be interesting to show that.

Toba: After all, given their positions, they live in the shadows. There's no one they can discuss this with.

Interviewer: What is the appeal of Kazuki and Rei as characters?

Tsuji: At the outset, Rei doesn't have much emotion, and has no idea about love - but over the course of all 12 episodes, he displays really subtle changes, and I hope the viewers will sense that evolution. I would be very happy if you get emotionally invested in his progression towards understanding love; it's charming and worth watching.

Kazuki's buddy dynamic with Rei, and his parent-child dynamic with Miri, are a lot of fun. Toyonaga-san (Toshiyuki) plays Kazuki, and you get to enjoy his incredible range as an actor. He puts in flourishes that we never imagined, and it's delightful; I feel like he's enhanced Kazuki's charm.

Interviewer: We've already mentioned the actors, but Toyonaga Toshiyuki-san, who plays Kazuki, and Uchiyama Koki-san, who plays Rei, are both perfectly cast.

Toba: I feel like Uchiyama-san is almost just playing himself (laughs), but Toyonaga-san suits the role so well it's like it was written for him. I was amazed just how well it fit. It's like Kazuki is Toyonaga-san and Rei is Uchiyama-san in disguise - it feels as if they themselves are on the screen. It's incredible. That's what I think, personally.

Interviewer: Was the casting this time determined by audition?

Toba: We held auditions. But before that, there was already some talk floating around about how Rei was "very Uchiyama-san". 

Tsuji: There were lots of opinions like that, about the atmosphere and the voices. Previously, I'd worked on another P.A. Works project with Toba-san, and Uchiyama-san played the protagonist there. Generally, in the anime world, you don't often reuse a previous lead actor in your next project, but this time we couldn't shake that feeling of "Uchiyama-san really would be great for this". So who would be good as Uchiyama-san's buddy Kazuki… And we decided on Toyonaga-san. The two of them were a duo in "Zetsuen no Tempest" about 10 years ago, and since then, they've co-starred in various works. They already had a strong rapport, so it seemed like they'd make a good match.

Toba: When it came to this series, I really placed a lot of weight on that aspect as well. I requested that the performances feel a little raw, and as close to their actual selves as possible. So, rather than fitting themselves to the characters, the true goal was to fit the characters to the real people themselves. At that point, we could see Uchiyama-san doing that, and then we thought, "If Toyonaga-san is a good fit too…" And he turned out to be an even more perfect fit than we'd imagined. He's practically just being himself by now. (laughs)

Tsuji: Toyonaga-san comes to pretty much every audition for a P.A. Works project, so I knew that he'd tackled all sorts of challenges in his performances, and had a very wide range. Kazuki is a free-spirited character who isn't constrained by any mould, so I thought he'd be perfect for Toyonaga-san, who can throw himself so freely into his performances, and brings so much to every role. It also felt like P.A. Works had finally found a character that would let us work at full power with Toyonaga-san.

Toba: In that sense, it feels like Kazuki was truly finalised as a character after Toyonaga-san was cast.

Interviewer: Unasaka Miri holds the key to this story - how about Kino Hina-san, who plays her?

Toba: Miri's performance was also mostly left up to Kino-san herself.

Tsuji: Miri is a 4-year-old child, and personally, I wanted to depict a realistic child in anime. So, ever since the audition phase, I requested that everyone steer clear of the sort of stock phrases and mannerisms you find in so-called "kids' anime". If possible, I wanted a naturalistic portrayal of a child. And then I suddenly found myself very taken with Kino-san's performance. In that instant, Director Asai [Yoshiyuki] and I spontaneously glanced at each other, like, "It's her." After she graced us with such wonderful acting, it was a simple decision.

Interviewer: So you wanted the tone and vocal quality to be realistically childlike.

Tsuji: That's right. I was aiming for a performance close to a realistic 4-year-old, but Kino-san is really smart, and gave a take that was uniquely hers. I'm grateful that I could watch the recording process with no worries as well. When all three of the main actors were present, it felt like witnessing a parent-child conversation for real.

Interviewer: You brought up foreign TV shows at the start - so did you consciously draw inspiration from foreign works when writing characters who were involved in the assassin trade?

Toba: It was quite a conscious decision. As mentioned before, the cast's performances were fairly raw, and we were sticklers for realism. We wanted it to feel more like a work which had been dubbed [into Japanese]. We were envisioning something like those really straightforward foreign dramas, which are so-called crime/suspense stories containing comedic elements. I was thinking along the lines of, "This is something J. J. Abrams (American movie and TV producer) would make!" (laughs)

Tsuji: Or rather, let's get J. J. to make a live-action version. (laughs)

Toba: A live-action foreign drama about an assassin raising a child has plenty of possibilities.

Interviewer: Now, please say what you think are the selling points of this series "Buddy Daddies".

Toba: The ups and downs of the buddies' interactions. The comedic contrast of usually-cool assassins being jerked around by a 4-year-old. I think those are the most enjoyable parts to watch. Of course, like I said just now, the main theme is something like "murder and parenting, work and family, which to choose?!", and what conclusion they'll reach in the end… Those dramatic parts are another highlight.

Tsuji: When Miri is riding roughshod over those two adults, she's animated in a really adorable way - I hope you pay attention to all her fun movements. Also, as mentioned before, I'd like you to carefully follow Rei's emotional development. 

Toba: By the way, Tsuji-san's child is also part of the production staff.

Tsuji: I got them to draw Miri's drawings which appear onscreen.

Toba: I said I wanted a real child to do Miri's drawings, and he was like, "Isn't there one right there?" (laughs)

Tsuji: My kid is 6 years old, but it's quite tough to get them to draw. Of course, doing all of it was out of the question, so I mostly asked them to draw the key pictures.

Toba: That sort of realism can't be achieved by an adult, even a professional animator. Getting a child to draw it is significantly more convincing. We made sure to properly include them in the staff credits; I truly hope you look forward to seeing where this art is used.

Interviewer: Finally, please give a message to everyone who is anticipating this series.

Toba: It's a really fun comedy, so I think it's just right to watch without getting too worked up. Just relax and enjoy yourself for 30 minutes.

Tsuji: Personally, I hope that people who are tired out from parenting will watch this and feel that empathy of, "Oh, I'm not alone after all!" I'd like this series to bring them some relief. Of course, not just those people - I want people with no experience of parenting to also watch this and think, "Children are pretty nice."

[daybringersol]

Hey ! I’m Sol, Juno, Chip or Art, whichever you prefer, and you can use he/him, eon/eons, myr/myrrh, hy/hymn, it/its and masculine terms for me. I’m a paradox, I don’t abide to labels and stuff like that, not in the way that I don’t use them, more in the way that I just go with what feels right in the moment, without forcing myself to stay static. Right now, I’m an anarchaqueer, biaro man, but I’m fluid, so don’t get attached too much ! I’m also québecois, and not shy about it; feel free to talk to me in french or english.

more pronoun options [link]

read CROSSTALK [link]

Working towards being an editor professionally, so open to beta for fics or other stories, just DM me !

I’m currently trying to cut back on political commentary on here, both in reblogs or in my own posts, because it triggers my moral OCD. Please note that you cannot extrapolate how much activism someone partakes in based on their tumblr activity.

I’m for the liberation of Palestine, against antitransmasculinity (as not being so would betray my own life experiences), for the independence of Québec, against antisemitism, for a kind of aspec solidarity that includes non-aroace aspecs and respects the differences in our experiences, against the police & the current psychiatric system, for the destigmatization of kinks, fetishes & ‘scary’ mental disorders, against exclusionism & label policing in the queer community, for the exploration of complex topics in fiction (including in ‘lowbrow’ medias like fanfiction), against both gender & sex essentialism & binaries, for LandBack, against the criminalisation of (all) drugs & sex work, and passionate about much more topics than those included in this short list. I believe that morality is not determined by your thoughts but by your actions, and that what kind of bigotry you’re affected by is not determined by your identity but by how & if it is perceived. If you’re planning on harassing me about any of these beliefs, I’d recommend simply blocking me instead, as I will not answer any questions I don’t believe to be asked in good faith.

I’m 21 so keep that in mind. There should be little NSFW stuff on here, pretty much only artistic nudity & jokes.

Please note that I do have a separate (appropriately tagged) NSFW account, and that if you go looking for it, it’s your fault for seeing things you don’t want to see. Bringing here what I post to that account, or ‘exposing’ it to others with the goal to judge or mock me is sexual harassment. There’s a reason those accounts are separate.

I’m fully fine with (appropriately tagged) NSFW topics being explored in fandom, including JRWI (as those same things are explored in the source material). I believe the council’s boundaries are to not do RPF and to not show them porn of their characters. Feel free to block me if that makes you uncomfortable.

I’m not going to tag every time I talk about my own experiences with abuse, addiction, SA, C-PTSD, pure O (internal OCD, in my case moral), P-DID and stuff like that, so feel free to block if that’s something that could trigger you. I don’t talk about it often though, and will tag it if it’s too graphic.

I am the host of a system, this account should be mine & mine only but we’ll see. The way I see my plurality is not the generally agreed upon way in the plural community (e.g. I am my body; the others are at best symbiotes, at worst parasites), so don’t think I represent anyone else but myself. Don’t ask me to have an opinion on endogenic systems, I don’t care.

If you tag me in stuff where you have to tag your friends and then they tag their friends, I enjoy and appreciate it, but I most likely won’t tag other people cuz it makes me anxious !

I usually do PTs, IDs and/or alt text on my flags and userboxes but I don’t always have the energy that requires of me, so sorry about that.

Flags : No credits needed, except if put on a wiki or pinterest, in which case credits are needed (preferably a link).

Userboxes : No credits needed, but reblog the post you got it from.

Visual arts : No reposting, but can be used as pfp/banner with credits.

Poetry : Reposting is fine, but with credits.

[spoiledleaff]

💚✨ POLL RESULTS!! ✨💚

hehe, a tremendous thank you to everyone who participated in my fic plot poll, haha!! i know i kept the actual specifics of it incredibly vague, but!! now that it’s all done, i think you all deserve to know what you’re signing up for! ♡

first, the winner!! lingerie group sex with some era iv ghoulies!! ✨🎉 haha!! it was a pretty close one, that’s for sure!! without further ado. what’s the plan?

well! i’m so glad you asked!! the pairing for this fic is going to be swiss + the ghoulettes! this fic is planned to feature plenty of femdom, dom/sub dynamics and procedures, strapons and toys, sexual photography, polyamory, ghoul anatomy, and it’ll all be wrapped up in a pretty little bow like lingerie, haha!! ohh, but i know you’re not convinced! where’s the classic leaf gender fuckery? well, for this work, i present to you she/her transfem sunny manifesting her monster of a cock, and!! the main event!! i also present to you she/her gender-fluid swiss manifesting a pussy!! :D hehe, the dynamic is gonna be our lovely ghoulettes domming the swissussy and making sure it’s thoroughly wrecked. oh, all wrapped up in lace and silk, of course!! ♡♡

i’m gonna also be rambling about what the other options were below the cut!! if you’re not interested, that’s a-okay, my friend!! but, i’ve grown rather attached to these little plot points, so they may become ficlets or even fully fledged projects one day if anyone’s interested, haha!! this was just a fun break from whatever silly little storyline i may have from the hatefuck fic! ♡

haha, alright!! let’s do this in order of popularity, yeah? so! runner up was ovipositor with a twist featuring everybody’s favorite lads from era iii !!! :D this work would’ve featured terzo + omega, and it was honestly just a fun idea i had as an excuse to dive into more ghoul anatomy, haha! i feel like this work would’ve been a bit shorter, but the main idea was essentially terzo physically fucking both omega’s cock sheath, as well as another more desperate scene of terzo fucking omega’s dick hole. i’m realizing now i probably didn’t hint at this one perfectly?? but! that was the idea, haha! lots of big dick jokes as well as sappy, flirty teasing, and these lads bickering like an old married couple, haha! basically! ovipositor anatomy, but instead of something being… er, ejected from omega’s cock? some(one)thing is being inserted! ♡

third place was my personal favorite, haha! this one was confessional gang bang featuring just about the entire cast of era iii !!! :D the pairing for this would’ve featured zephyr + uh… well, everybody else, haha!! i am such a sucker for my usual everybody loves everybody bullshit, haha! anyways, the premise of this fic was actually inspired by those anonymous gloryhole tropes?? for both sucking and dick and sucking and fucking pussy and/or ass, haha!! although, for this, it would neither be anonymous or limited to just one side ♡ this fic would’ve featured confessional sex, plenty of dom/sub dynamics and bondage, probably mention free use between ghouls and their respective relationships and social structures. oh! also plenty of leaf gender fuckery starting with they/he intersex zephyr, as well as an excuse for me to dive into my personal characterizations for a lot of the era iii ghouls!! i still like the idea of this fic a lot!! so the chances of this actually becoming something are quite high, haha!! ♡

and, last but not least! this one, i think was probably a bit of a throw away idea? but i’d been thinking about it so much already that i said, ‘eh. why not, haha!’ anyways! the prompt was rough punishment sex featuring two silly lads from era iv !!! :D this fic wouldn’t paired up mountain + swiss together, and it would’ve focused on their specific dynamic! that one video with swiss trying to give mountain the rose?? it forever haunts me, my friend. haha! i also just like the idea of their dynamic a lot, and i wanted to try writing something… er, a bit more intense than what i typically default to :) so! this fic would’ve featured a lot of discussed and consensual dom/sub dynamics with dom mountain and sub swiss! as well as things like spitting and ignoring, impact play, bandage, humiliation and degradation, as well as some well deserved aftercare!! i was also playing around with the idea of including some more… extreme?? kinks?? i was debating on things like boot kinks, cock and ball torture, maybe piss play?? that sort of thing!! :) haha! i had a feeling, even though it was a bit of a throw away idea, that it wouldn’t get too many votes? especially considering i’m still atoning for my crimes with my hatefuck fic, haha!! regardless, it’s always nice to know how many of you are depraved animals, haha!! (/affectionately said, my friends! because, well, same!!) ♡♡♡

(well, uh, that was it really!! :) this was just a silly little game i wanted to try with the poll feature, but it’s lovely to know that so many of you are at least a little invested in my writing, haha!! i may try this again in the future, haha!! it was quite fun to do! i hope to see everyone with the next filthy, debauched, smutty project, hehe! ♡♡)

[mimzy-writing-online]

You probably know this by now, I don't know if you keep up with Whumptober, but one of the prompts this year includes "blindness". I'm not blind but based on your posts about writing blind characters, and based on how I would feel if one of my disabilities were used as a whump prompt, I'm not super comfortable with it. I was wondering what your thoughts are on blindness being a Whumptober prompt.

(unironically and with feeling) thanks, I hate it.

Yes, I’m familiar with Whumptober, but I’ve never participated myself and I haven’t seen this year’s prompts.

Edit: I later did see the prompts and check out the blog. I think it's a good set of prompts and I look forward to all the promising content, especially since some of my favorite tropes are there. To be clear before you read this, I have no problem with Whumptober2021 or whump in general. This is not the first time blindness has been included for a list of whump prompts, and it won't be the last.

This post directed at the concept of "blindness" as a whump prompt and why I think it's a bad idea. The intended audience is individual writers thinking about future projects.

The timing of this is almost too perfect because I read a fanfic earlier this week that would meet that prompt exactly. Tags included whump, blindness, and angst with a happy ending. Now whump, hurt/comfort, and angst with a happy ending are tags I enjoy reading, but blindness as whump has a specific message to it.

To explain that message, I want to discuss what whump is. Many readers are already familiar with the genre, but I think taking the specific definitions and picking apart what it means and what expectations we carry when reading whump fanfiction

Urban Dictionary defines it as: taking a character and putting them through physical and/or mental torment and is typically followed by the same character being treated for their traumas. To indicate the characters place in the situation they’d typically be called a whumpee (the character being hurt/comforted), the whumper (the character that causes harm and trauma), and the caretaker (the character designated the helping/healing/comforting the whumpee).

Fanlore has a page for whump that explains it in depth, including where it started in fanfiction, examples of whump, and even a list of “popular targets” in different fandoms. (Warning: you might find yourself called out on the popular targets list)

“The term whump (or whumping) generally refers to a form of Hurt/Comfort that is heavy on the hurt and is often found in gen stories. The exact definition varies and has evolved over time. Essentially, whump involves taking a canon character, and placing them in physically painful or psychologically-damaging scenarios. Often this character is a fan favorite…”

To add to that, I think an important detail is the distinction Fanlore makes between hurt/comfort and whump:

“While some communities and fandoms may use whump as a synonym for hurt/comfort, there is still a recognition that whump refers to darker and more extreme scenarios. And there are still whump fics been written that have very little, or no comfort at the end of the story.”

The big appeal of hurt/comfort is getting to both explore the darker sides of pain and then experience the catharsis of being taken care of, of being supported by your loved ones as you recover from the trauma. The character is the proxy for experiencing those highs and lows while you yourself are safe at home.

I personally don’t read much/any whump without some h/c involved, but I’m happy there are stories out there for people who do enjoy it. I’m not here to judge what you like reading or what you do to your characters.

What I want is to express how blindness, my disability, used as a whump prompt personally makes me feel and what message it sends to me, to others, and how that message affects my daily life.

Whump undeniably involves watching a character suffer through something painful and traumatic.

My use of the word “suffer” is what I want you to focus on.

Vision loss can be painful and traumatic. I personally developed an anxiety disorder in response to vision loss. Others experience depression. For some it might result in relapsing into old, maladaptive coping mechanisms like drug use, self harm, or eating disorders.

A big part of my anxiety was how people reacted to my vision loss. It was a cause of their stress. They were worried because they genuinely believed I would never live a happy life without normal vision, and that my life would only be struggle and pain.

I recently saw an old friend who hadn’t heard about my vision loss. The conversation was awkward, but the worst part was how they reacted as though I had experienced an insurmountable tragedy. And even when I assured them I’m happy with my life, they clearly didn’t believe me. They acted like I was just lying or in denial.

I love that people want to empathize with my situation and ask themselves what they would do in my situation, but I hate when the conclusion they come to is something along the lines of “I could never do that, I’d be too miserable thinking about everything I lost, I’d never be able to do anything I enjoyed ever again.” But I did go blind. And I’m not miserable, I’m actually happy with the direction my life is going, and I still enjoy my hobbies, even if I engage with them differently.

I’m not suffering. My life didn’t end with vision loss. It’s not ruined, broken, or worthless.

I read a fanfic that was tagged with whump, blindness, and angst with a happy ending. A general synopsis of the plot: the whumpee had gone blind due to a curse. It was true love’s kiss that broke the curse. Even from the summary I knew it was going to end with whumpee being cured somehow and that I’d leave that fanfic vaguely dissatisfied no matter how good the rest of the fanfic was.

I can say this for the fanfic: the whumpee had already accepted that they would likely be blind for the rest of their life, but everyone around them was treating it as a tragedy that needed to be fixed, working tirelessly for a cure despite the whumpee’s protests that they didn’t have to.

It actually hit home to my personal experience.

I still left it dissatisfied with the ending. I might love curse fics in that fandom, and I love the “true love’s kiss” trope, but it wasn’t enough to distract me from the fact that: an actual person out in the world thought the best happy ending, maybe the only happy ending, would be if the character got their sight back.

(note: I clicked kudos and exited out of the story's page because no fanfic writer deserves unsolicited critique or hate, especially for content I consumed for free and at my own volition.)

Why read a story I knew would disappoint me?

Because blindness representation is so damn rare that I feel like I’m wandering in a desert, dying from thirst and desperate for that oasis. But sometimes that oasis is a mirage and the author is unintentionally telling you that your life is actually awful and you’ll never be fully happy like this. And that is a shit mentality to walk through life with.

I don’t appreciate blindness being a whump plot. I hate it. Hundreds (thousands?) of fanfictions featuring blind characters are about to enter the internet and the overall message is going to be “You poor thing! You must be in so much pain, you must be miserable! Who’s going to save you? Who’s going to comfort you? Wouldn’t it be terrible if there was no one in your life to take care of you? You poor helpless thing!”

And I feel objectified. I feel trivialized. The mirage in the desert is going to become a starch, empty room filled with dozens of water bottles, almost all of them poisoned. My representation is going to hurt me personally, and it’s going to reinforce that idea strangers have about how awful my life must be.

(I returned to school this past month, and every day I’m hesitant to tell someone I’m visually impaired because I don’t want to be treated differently. If I’ve managed to pass as sighted this whole time and then suddenly reveal “oh yeah, I’m visually impaired” I feel this instant silence, this pause of awkwardness as people suddenly question how they’re supposed to treat me. They treated me like a person, and now I’m something strange and unfamiliar.)

I’ve worked so hard to improve representation for blind people, to give internet strangers the exposure to a blind person they need to normalize blindness because I hope that if they’re ever so lucky as to meet a blind person, they’ll treat that person with respect. That hope that another person in the blind community will find a friend they feel comfortable and accepted with. I hope that I’ll meet people who accept my blindness as just another aspect of me (like being bisexual or gender fluid or a writer or a cat lover).

Please don’t turn me and my community into a caricature. Don’t erase everything I’ve worked for with this blog.

To be clear, this is not just me saying "I hate the cure trope" again. This is me saying "the purpose of whump is to painfully hurt your favorite character, and I hate that your idea of pain and suffering is my daily (wonderful) life."

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

“Elliot Page doesn’t remember exactly how long he had been asking.

But he does remember the acute feeling of triumph when, around age 9, he was finally allowed to cut his hair short. “I felt like a boy,” Page says. “I wanted to be a boy. I would ask my mom if I could be someday.” Growing up in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Page visualized himself as a boy in imaginary games, freed from the discomfort of how other people saw him: as a girl. After the haircut, strangers finally started perceiving him the way he saw himself, and it felt both right and exciting.

The joy was short-lived. Months later, Page got his first break, landing a part as a daughter in a Canadian mining family in the TV movie Pit Pony. He wore a wig for the film, and when Pit Pony became a TV show, he grew his hair out again. “I became a professional actor at the age of 10,” Page says. And pursuing that passion came with a difficult compromise. “Of course I had to look a certain way.”

We are speaking in late February. It is the first interview Page, 34, has given since disclosing in December that he is transgender, in a heartfelt letter posted to Instagram, and he is crying before I have even uttered a question. “Sorry, I’m going to be emotional, but that’s cool, right?” he says, smiling through his tears.

It’s hard for him to talk about the days that led up to that disclosure. When I ask how he was feeling, he looks away, his neck exposed by a new short haircut. After a pause, he presses his hand to his heart and closes his eyes. “This feeling of true excitement and deep gratitude to have made it to this point in my life,” he says, “mixed with a lot of fear and anxiety.”

It’s not hard to understand why a trans person would be dealing with conflicting feelings in this moment. Increased social acceptance has led to more young people describing themselves as trans—1.8% of Gen Z compared with 0.2% of boomers, according to a recent Gallup poll—yet this has fueled conservatives who are stoking fears about a “transgender craze.” President Joe Biden has restored the right of transgender military members to serve openly, and in Hollywood, trans people have never had more meaningful time onscreen. Meanwhile, J.K. Rowling is leveraging her cultural capital to oppose transgender equality in the name of feminism, and lawmakers are arguing in the halls of Congress over the validity of gender identities. “Sex has become a political football in the culture wars,” says Chase Strangio, deputy director for transgender justice at the ACLU.

(Full article with photos continued under the “read more”)

And so Page—who charmed America as a precocious pregnant teenager in Juno, constructed dreamscapes in Inception and now stars in Netflix’s hit superhero show The Umbrella Academy, the third season of which he’s filming in Toronto—expected that his news would be met with both applause and vitriol. “What I was anticipating was a lot of support and love and a massive amount of hatred and transphobia,” says Page. “That’s essentially what happened.” What he did not anticipate was just how big this story would be. Page’s announcement, which made him one of the most famous out trans people in the world, started trending on Twitter in more than 20 countries. He gained more than 400,000 new followers on Instagram on that day alone. Thousands of articles were published. Likes and shares reached the millions. Right-wing podcasters readied their rhetoric about “women in men’s locker rooms.” Casting directors reached out to Page’s manager saying it would be an honor to cast Page in their next big movie.

So, it was a lot. Over the course of two conversations, Page will say that understanding himself in all the specifics remains a work in progress. Fathoming one’s gender, an identity innate and performed, personal and social, fixed and evolving, is complicated enough without being under a spotlight that never seems to turn off. But having arrived at a critical juncture, Page feels a deep sense of responsibility to share his truth. “Extremely influential people are spreading these myths and damaging rhetoric—every day you’re seeing our existence debated,” Page says. “Transgender people are so very real.”

That role in Pit Pony led to other productions and eventually, when Page was 16, to a film called Mouth to Mouth. Playing a young anarchist, Page had a chance to cut his hair again. This time, he shaved it off completely. The kids at his high school teased him, but in photos he has posted from that time on social media he looks at ease. Page’s head was still shaved when he mailed in an audition tape for the 2005 thriller Hard Candy. The people in charge of casting asked him to audition again in a wig. Soon, the hair was back.

Page’s tour de force performance in Hard Candy led, two years later, to Juno, a low-budget indie film that brought Page Oscar, BAFTA and Golden Globe nominations and sudden megafame. The actor, then 21, struggled with the stresses of that ascension. The endless primping, red carpets and magazine spreads were all agonizing reminders of the disconnect between how the world saw Page and who he knew himself to be. “I just never recognized myself,” Page says. “For a long time I could not even look at a photo of myself.” It was difficult to watch the movies too, especially ones in which he played more feminine roles.

Page loved making movies, but he also felt alienated by Hollywood and its standards. Alia Shawkat, a close friend and co-star in 2009’s Whip It,describes all the attention from Juno as scarring. “He had a really hard time with the press and expectations,” Shawkat says. “‘Put this on! And look this way! And this is sexy!’”

By the time he appeared in blockbusters like X-Men: The Last Stand and Inception, Page was suffering from depression, anxiety and panic attacks. He didn’t know, he says, “how to explain to people that even though [I was] an actor, just putting on a T-shirt cut for a woman would make me so unwell.” Shawkat recalls Page’s struggles with clothes. “I’d be like, ‘Hey, look at all these nice outfits you’re getting,’ and he would say, ‘It’s not me. It feels like a costume,’” she says. Page tried to convince himself that he was fine, that someone who was fortunate enough to have made it shouldn’t have complaints. But he felt exhausted by the work required to “just exist,” and thought more than once about quitting acting.

In 2014, Page came out as gay, despite feeling for years that “being out was impossible” given his career. (Gender identity and sexual orientation are, of course, distinct, but one queer identity can coexist with another.) In an emotional speech at a Human Rights Campaign conference, Page talked about being part of an industry “that places crushing standards” on actors and viewers alike. “There are pervasive stereotypes about masculinity and femininity that define how we’re all supposed to act, dress and speak,” Page went on. “And they serve no one.”

The actor started wearing suits on the red carpet. He found love, marrying choreographer Emma Portner in 2018. He asserted more agency in his career, producing his own films with LGBTQ leads like Freeheld and My Days of Mercy. And he made a masculine wardrobe a condition of taking roles. Yet the daily discord was becoming unbearable. “The difference in how I felt before coming out as gay to after was massive,” says Page. “But did the discomfort in my body ever go away? No, no, no, no.”

In part, it was the isolation forced by the pandemic that brought to a head Page’s wrestling with gender. (Page and Portner separated last summer, and the two divorced in early 2021. “We’ve remained close friends,” Page says.) “I had a lot of time on my own to really focus on things that I think, in so many ways, unconsciously, I was avoiding,” he says. He was inspired by trailblazing trans icons like Janet Mock and Laverne Cox, who found success in Hollywood while living authentically. Trans writers helped him understand his feelings; Page saw himself reflected in P. Carl’s memoir Becoming a Man. Eventually “shame and discomfort” gave way to revelation. “I was finally able to embrace being transgender,” Page says, “and letting myself fully become who I am.”

This led to a series of decisions. One was asking the world to call him by a different name, Elliot, which he says he’s always liked. Page has a tattoo that says E.P. PHONE HOME, a reference to a movie about a young boy with that name. “I loved E.T. when I was a kid and always wanted to look like the boys in the movies, right?” he says. The other decision was to use different pronouns—for the record, both he/him and they/them are fine. (When I ask if he has a preference on pronouns for the purposes of this story, Page says, “He/him is great.”)

A day before we first speak, Page will talk to his mom about this interview and she will tell him, “I’m just so proud of my son.” He grows emotional relating this and tries to explain that his mom, the daughter of a minister, who was born in the 1950s, was always trying to do what she thought was best for her child, even if that meant encouraging young Page to act like a girl. “She wants me to be who I am and supports me fully,” Page says. “It is a testament to how people really change.”

Another decision was to get top surgery. Page volunteers this information early in our conversation; at the time he posted his disclosure on Instagram, he was recovering in Toronto. Like many trans people, Page emphasizes being trans isn’t all about surgery. For some people, it’s unnecessary. For others, it’s unaffordable. For the wider world, the media’s focus on it has sensationalized transgender bodies, inviting invasive and inappropriate questions. But Page describes surgery as something that, for him, has made it possible to finally recognize himself when he looks in the mirror, providing catharsis he’s been waiting for since the “total hell” of puberty. “It has completely transformed my life,” he says. So much of his energy was spent on being uncomfortable in his body, he says. Now he has that energy back.

For the transgender community at large, visibility does not automatically lead to acceptance. Around the globe, transgender people deal disproportionately with violence and discrimination. Anti-trans hate crimes are on the rise in the U.K. along with increasingly transphobic rhetoric in newspapers and tabloids. In the U.S., in addition to the perennial challenges trans people face with issues like poverty and homelessness, a flurry of bills in state legislatures would make it a crime to provide transition-related medical care to trans youth. And crass old jokes are still in circulation. When Biden lifted the ban on open service for transgender troops, Saturday Night Live’s Michael Che did a bit on Weekend Update about the policy being called “don’t ask, don’t tuck.”

Page says coming out as trans was “selfish” on one level: “It’s for me. I want to live and be who I am.” But he also felt a moral imperative to do so, given the times. Human identity is complicated and mysterious, but politics insists on fitting everything into boxes. In today’s culture wars, simplistic beliefs about gender—e.g., chromosomes = destiny—are so widespread and so deep-seated that many people who hold those beliefs don’t feel compelled to consider whether they might be incomplete or prejudiced. On Feb. 24, after a passionate debate on legislation that would ban discrimination against LGBTQ people, Representative Marie Newman, an Illinois Democrat, proudly displayed the pride flag in support of her daughter, who is trans. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, a Georgia Republican, responded by hanging a poster outside her office that read: There are TWO genders: MALE & FEMALE.

The next day Dr. Rachel Levine, who stands to become the first openly transgender federal official confirmed by the Senate, endured a tirade from Senator Rand Paul about “genital mutilation” during her confirmation hearing. My second conversation with Page happens shortly after this. He brings it up almost immediately, and seems both heartbroken and determined. He wants to emphasize that top surgery, for him, was “not only life-changing but lifesaving.” He implores people to educate themselves about trans lives, to learn how crucial medical care can be, to understand that lack of access to it is one of the many reasons that an estimated 41% of transgender people have attempted suicide, according to one survey.

Page has been in the political trenches for a while, having leaned into progressive activism after coming out as queer in 2014. For two seasons, he and best friend Ian Daniel filmed Gaycation, a Viceland series that explored LGBTQ culture around the world and, at one point, showed Page grilling Senator Ted Cruz at the Iowa State Fair about discrimination against queer people. In 2019, Page made a documentary called There’s Something in the Water, which explores environmental hardships experienced by communities of color in Nova Scotia, with $350,000 of his own money. That activism extends to his own industry: in 2017, he published a Facebook post that, among other things, accused director Brett Ratner of forcibly outing him as gay on the set of an X-Men movie. (A representative for Ratner did not respond to a request for comment.)

As a trans person who is white, wealthy and famous, Page has a unique kind of privilege, and with it an opportunity to advocate for those with less. According to the U.S. Trans Survey, a large-scale report from 2015, transgender people of color are more likely to experience unemployment, harassment by police and refusals of medical care. Nearly half of all Black respondents reported being denied equal treatment, verbally harassed and/or physically attacked in the past year. Trans people as a group fare much worse on such stats than the general population. “My privilege has allowed me to have resources to get through and to be where I am today,” Page says, “and of course I want to use that privilege and platform to help in the ways I can.”

Since his disclosure, Page has been mostly quiet on social media. One exception has been to tweet on behalf of the ACLU, which is in the midst of fighting anti-trans bills and laws around the country, including those that ban transgender girls and women from participating in sports. Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves says he will sign such a bill in the name of “protect[ing] young girls.” Page played competitive soccer and vividly recalls the agony of being told he would have to play on the girls’ team once he aged out of mixed-gender squads. After an appeal, Page was allowed to play with the boys for an additional year. Today, several bills list genitalia as a requirement for deciding who plays on which team. “I would have been in that position as a kid,” Page says. “It’s horrific.”

All this advocacy is unlikely to make life easier. “You can’t enter into certain spaces as a public trans person,” says the ACLU’s Strangio, “without being prepared to spend some percentage of your life being threatened and harassed.” Yet, while he seems overwhelmed at times, Page is also eager. Many of the political attacks on trans people—whether it is a mandate that bathroom use be determined by birth sex, a blanket ban on medical interventions for trans kids or the suggestion that trans men are simply wayward women beguiled by male privilege—carry the same subtext: that trans people are mistaken about who they are. “We know who we are,” Page says. “People cling to these firm ideas [about gender] because it makes people feel safe. But if we could just celebrate all the wonderful complexities of people, the world would be such a better place.”

Even if Page weren’t vocal, his public presence would communicate something powerful. That is in part because of what Paisley Currah, a professor of political science at Brooklyn College, calls “visibility gaps.” Historically, trans women have been more visible, in culture and in Hollywood, than trans men. There are many explanations: Our culture is obsessed with femininity. Men’s bodies are less policed and scrutinized. Patriarchal people tend to get more emotional about who is considered to be in the same category as their daughters. “And a lot of trans men don’t stand out as trans,” says Currah, who is a trans man himself. “I think we’ve taken up less of the public’s attention because masculinity is sort of the norm.”

During our interviews, Page will repeatedly refer to himself as a “transgender guy.” He also calls himself nonbinary and queer, but for him, transmasculinity is at the center of the conversation right now. “It’s a complicated journey,” he says, “and an ongoing process.”

While the visibility gap means that trans men have been spared some of the hate endured by trans women, it has also meant that people like Page have had fewer models. “There were no examples,” Page says of growing up in Halifax in the 1990s. There are many queer people who have felt “that how they feel deep inside isn’t a real thing because they never saw it reflected back to them,” says Tiq Milan, an activist, author and transgender man. Page offers a reflection: “They can see that and say, ‘You know what, that’s who I am too,’” Milan says. When there aren’t examples, he says, “people make monsters of us.”

For decades, that was something Hollywood did. As detailed in the 2020 Netflix documentary Disclosure, transgender people have been portrayed onscreen as villainous and deceitful, tragic subplots or the butt of jokes. In a sign of just how far the industry has come—spurred on by productions like Pose and trailblazers like Mock—Netflix offered to change the credits on The Umbrella Academy the same day that its star posted his statement on social media. Now when an episode ends, the first words viewers see are “Elliot Page.”

Today, there are many out trans and nonbinary actors, directors and producers. Storylines involving trans people are more common, more respectful. Sometimes that aspect of identity is even incidental, rather than the crux of a morality tale. And yet Hollywood can still seem a frightening place for LGBTQ people to come out. “It’s an industry that says, ‘Don’t do that,’” says director Silas Howard, who got his break on Amazon’s show Transparent, which made efforts to hire transgender crew members. “I wouldn’t have been hired if they didn’t have a trans initiative,” Howard says. “I’m always aware of that.”

So what will it mean for Page’s career? While Page has appeared in many projects, he also faced challenges landing female leads because he didn’t fit Hollywood’s narrow mold. Since Page’s Instagram post, his team is seeing more activity than they have in years. Many of the offers coming in—to direct, to produce, to act—are trans-related, but there are also some “dude roles.”

Downtime in quarantine helped Page accept his gender identity. “I was finally able to embrace being transgender,” he says.

Page was attracted to the role of Vanya in The Umbrella Academy because—in the first season, released in 2019—Vanya is crushed by self-loathing, believing herself to be the only ordinary sibling in an extraordinary family. The character can barely summon the courage to move through the world. “I related to how much Vanya was closed off,” Page says. Now on set filming the third season, co-workers have seen a change in the actor. “It seems like there’s a tremendous weight off his shoulders, a feeling of comfort,” says showrunner Steve Blackman. “There’s a lightness, a lot more smiling.” For Page, returning to set has been validating, if awkward at times. Yes, people accidentally use the wrong pronouns—“It’s going to be an adjustment,” Page says—but co-workers also see and acknowledge him.

The debate over whether cisgender people, who have repeatedly collected awards for playing trans characters, should continue to do so has largely been settled. However, trans actors have rarely been considered for cisgender parts. Whatever challenges might lie ahead, Page seems exuberant about playing a new spectrum of roles. “I’m really excited to act, now that I’m fully who I am, in this body,” Page says. “No matter the challenges and difficult moments of this, nothing amounts to getting to feel how I feel now.”

This includes having short hair again. During our interview, Page keeps rearranging strands on his forehead. It took a long time for him to return to the barber’s chair and ask to cut it short, but he got there. And how did that haircut feel?

Page tears up again, then smiles. “I just could not have enjoyed it more,” he says.”

[eirikaanemo]

Venti's crush is a sister in the Church of Favonius. That's the entire prompt. Okay, she may have overheard Venti when he asked for the Holy Lyre and maaaaybe she gave it to him (in the name of freedom!), but she probably wouldn't be a sister after that.

Venti x GN!Reader

1.7k Words

Warnings: Eviction? Kinda?

Notes: So, halfway through I remembered "Sister" is a gendered term, so I switched it to "Disciple". Hopefully that still works!

Part 2: His Fight

His Lyre

He first caught your attention while he was doing a street performance. You were walking down the street, minding your own business, when you heard a melody so beautiful that you swore it had to be Barbatos himself. Following your curiosity, you found him performing a ballad for a group of children. His clear tenor painted looks of wonder on their faces as he regaled them with tales of Vanessa and the revolution of freedom.

You couldn’t help but stop to watch as well. He had captivated you as much as he had the children and you didn’t regret a thing. After Vanessa’s tale he sang of the fall of the storm god, the rise of Barbatos, the shaping of the lands, and the rise of Mondstadt. Every song seemed almost more amazing than the last.

It was getting close to evening by the time you were able to free yourself from his spell. Or rather, he stopped casting it. His last few notes rang out and faded into the darkness. You almost didn’t dare to breathe in fear of breaking the serene silence that overtook the scene. Then his eyes opened.

This was your first real chance to get a good look at them as he was usually facing just slightly away from you. Everyone else had gone home, so as he scanned the area, his eyes fell on you. And suddenly all you could see was his eyes. They’re beautiful, you thought to yourself, a hint of blush warming your cheeks.

His braids swayed a bit as he tilted his head curiously and a smile flashed across his lips. “It’s not often I see a Disciple here, tell me, did you like what there was to hear?”

“I did,” you confirmed. “I’m very impressed! It was almost like I was listening to Barbatos himself!”

He looked stunned for a moment, then an odd look crossed his face before he quickly covered it up with a broad smile. “Thanks! I appreciate the sentiment! That’s really quite the compliment.”

You were able to spend the next little while chatting before you had to go, but similar scenes occurred fairly often as time went on. About the tenth time or so he decided that you were friends, which you had no objection to. Though there was always a small twinge in your heart whenever he called you that for some reason.

Along with becoming friends, you started to notice some things. His songs are… very detailed in a way that makes them line up with records that rarely see the light of day. While you do your best to share Barbatos’ gospel of freedom with everyone, some records are just too fragile to be available to the general public. So the Disciples, like you, memorize them and tell them to the worshipers who come to the Cathedral.

However, either on purpose or by accident, most of the time Disciples will mix up little details or paraphrase things or skip over sections in a way that can confuse the story some. But Venti’s songs match every detail shown in the records, and more. You had checked multiple times and it always came out the same way. He was one hundred percent correct, in every song he played.

Then there was his hair. You’d never seen anyone with their hair being tinted at the ends like that. And you couldn’t find the hair dye he used either. And oh boy had you looked. You wanted teal in your hair too dang it! And when you finally asked him where he got it he laughed and said it was natural. How is that fair?

And then there are the times where he just didn’t act quite human. Like forgetting to eat all day without realizing it. Or referring to other people as “humans”, as if he, himself, isn’t human. Or how he only ever wears one outfit. Or the way anemo energy seems to flow through him instead of around him. You wouldn’t even have noticed that last one if it wasn’t for the fact that you are hypersensitive to it due to how you use your anemo vision. From all of that, and more, you can just tell that something isn’t quite what it seems about him.

So when you’re cleaning the cathedral in the back and hear him out himself as Barbatos to Sister Gotelinde something just clicked. Oh, of course he was Barbatos. What else could he possibly be? Too much added up for it to not make sense! Unfortunately by the time you were done reeling from shock Sister Gotelinde had sent him right out the door.

You had caught enough of the conversation, though, that you knew that Venti- no, Barbatos had need of his lyre. So you came up with a plan. This was going to get you in so, so much trouble. But this is what needed to be done. You need to get him his lyre.

It was surprisingly easy to swipe the lyre from its pedestal and avoid the other inhabitants of the Cathedral by taking back passageways. You had almost made it out, you were so close when you suddenly ran into someone.

Holding a hand to the point of impact starting to swell on your forehead, you squint over towards the other group. When your brain registers that you just ran into Venti you gasp and scramble to your feet, still holding the holy lyre to your chest. “Oh my goodness, I’m so, so sorry Venti,” you apologize. “Or, uh, would you prefer I call you Barbatos?”

Your friend blinks once, then twice, dumbstruck by the situation. “Venti is fine,” he scrambles to assure you after a few moments. “How did you know?”

“You weren’t exactly the quietest when speaking with Sister Gotelinde, Venti. And I was cleaning just out of sight. It made a lot more sense than some other explanations for your weird behavior that I’d come up with.” You admit sheepishly. “And I believe this is yours.”

His face lit up as you held the holy lyre out towards him. “The Lyre de Himmel! Thank you so much! See that, Traveler? We didn’t even have to steal it! I promise to do my best to take care of it.” You quirk an eyebrow as the Traveler finishes shaking off the effects of running into you.

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that, and you better.” you tell him pointedly, causing him to giggle nervously. “Besides, the two of you need to go! I… didn’t exactly tell anyone about this. Good luck with Dvalin, Venti, Traveler. May Barbatos be with you!” You called out the last part out of habit.

Moments later you felt a hand clap onto your shoulder. “Dear,” Sister Gotelinde drawled slightly. “Please tell me you didn’t hand our sacred treasure over to that alcoholic bard.” You’re silent for a moment before years of being at the Cathedral won over your common sense. “You know I can’t do that, Sister.”

She sighs from her position behind you and her hand tightens on your shoulder. “I’m sure I don’t need to tell you how much trouble you’re in, especially if it doesn’t come back in one piece.” You gulp.

“Yes, Sister Gotelinde.” You murmur.

“Good, now get back to cleaning.” She instructs you curtly.

Nodding, you turn and walk past her towards where you were cleaning. She continued on, likely going to report the situation to Sister Barbara. You really hope that Venti keeps his promise.

While you try your best to put the situation out of your mind, your thoughts keep drifting back to it the whole next day. The nightmare you’d had that night hadn’t helped either. It had been a morbid scene, a broken lyre on the ground with an equally broken Venti as a triumphant Stormterror screeched over their still forms. You’d woken up sweaty.

Logically you knew that Barbatos- no, Venti wouldn’t fall to Stormterror. But the scene still wouldn’t go away. And neither did the awkward feeling that accompanied your usual duties as a disciple. Some of your regular duties were suddenly almost… laughable? You now knew that Barbatos didn’t care about a good chunk of what you did in the Cathedral that some considered absolutely essential.

Your attitude didn’t help your position though, not with everyone now knowing what you did and watching you closely. The day is long and you feel trapped every second of it. Then Venti returns victorious with a broken lyre and everything crumbles around you. You’re kicked out, banned for life, right after him, with a suitcase of your stuff chucked out after you. Even though he ‘fixed it’.

Part of you wants to just lay there and regret your life choices; but you can’t help but smile when Venti reaches a hand out to lift you up, laughing about the irony of the situation. A small smile manages to reach your face as Jean starts chuckling too.

“Don’t worry too much, I know you’ve done a great good for Mondstadt.” She reassures you. “I know you have a vision, an anemo vision at that.” She gives Venti a pointed look. “How would you like to become a knight?”

Your smile grows into something a little more natural. “I’d like that, thank you Jean.”

“It’s no problem, really the least I could do. I’m sorry it had to end like this. Now, come to my office when you have a moment so we can formalize it. But for now I need to go and formally close the Stormterror case.” With a sigh she walked past you towards the knights headquarters and the inevitable paperwork which awaits her.

“I’m sorry that you got kicked out,” Venti apologizes once Jean’s out of sight. “All you did was help and you got in trouble for it.”

“It’s alright, Venti,” you try to claim. “It was kind of awkward knowing that you are Barbatos anyway.”

“Still,” he pressed. “You put everything on the line for me and I really appreciate it. I’m really sorry I didn’t follow through. I’ll have to make it up to you. And I know just where to start.”

His kiss to your cheek was quick but sent a warmth blooming across your face, contrasting with the coolness of his lips.

“Of course,” you mumble, embarrassed. “It was your lyre anyway.”

“It was,” he agreed. “But you believed me. And that really does mean a lot to me. Thank you, really.”

[there-must-be-a-lock]

Blind Spot

Spencer Reid x (Gender Neutral) Reader

Word Count: 2640

Warnings: Hair pulling kink! Bucketloads of sexual tension but no actual sex. Gratuitous facts about bird nests. Dorks being oblivious. Lots of fluffy heart-eyed banter. Accusations of intercourse with fictional tree-beasts. 

A/N: I saw a gif that made me want to pull Spencer’s hair. That’s it. I have zero shame. 

For the “friends to lovers” square on my @cmbingo​ card! Proofread by @fangirlxwritesx67​ because she’s the best. 

“You look like you fucked an Ent,” you commented cheerfully, stealing sideways glances at Spencer while you waited for the light to change.  

“Thanks, that’s helpful.” He grimaced, trying to tug another burr out of a snarled curl. 

“Oh my god, you’re just making it worse! I’ll help you when we get back to your place. Leave it, you goober.” 

“Did you just call me a goober?” Spencer asked, trying not to laugh. 

“You’re like the dictionary definition of a goober,” you said fondly. 

“I have three PhDs!”  

“I really wish I’d gotten a video of that tumble, Doctor Goober.” 

Spencer was blushing, grinning down at his lap as he shredded a piece of leaf. It was hard not to stare at him when he smiled like that. 

He’d essentially face-planted into a burr bush earlier, somewhere in the Virginia woods — he’d been so excited about explaining some wonky bit of Star Trek physics theory to you that he just forgot to pay attention to his feet — and he’d floundered out with half a hedge stuck in his hair before picking up exactly where he’d left off. 

In other words, Doctor Spencer Reid was a ridiculous human being. You knew that, objectively. It didn’t stop you from having a massive crush on him. 

Either he was pretending not to notice, to spare your feelings, or he was socially oblivious; you tended to believe the former, considering how well you’d seen him read other people, but you appreciated it. There was a chance you’d make it out of this — if you could just get over it already — with your friendship intact. 

You cleared your throat and told him, “You look like the bastard child of Grandmother Willow and the Wizard of Oz scarecrow.” 

“Even if they were real, the anatomical —” 

“You didn’t mention that when I brought up the Ents. Something you want to tell me about you and Treebeard?” 

“You’re ridiculous,” he huffed, trying to sound exasperated, but he could barely keep a straight face for a second before he was laughing, that scratchy sunny childish giggle that only came out when he was really relaxed and carefree. 

“Close the window before a bird sees you and decides to take up residence.” 

“How about you watch the road?”

“What, no facts about bird nests?” 

“Is that a rhetorical question?” 

“Nope.” 

“Well in that case… gyrfalcon nests are frequently re-used and passed along for generations. The oldest one that’s been discovered was in Greenland, and it was actually estimated to be approximately 2,500 years old.” 

“Seriously?” 

“Yes! In fact…” 

You had to remind yourself, yet again, to stop staring. 

Maybe someday you’d get sick of hearing Spencer talk, but you couldn’t really understand the way most of your teammates reacted to his rambling. Even if you didn’t care about what he was saying, there was something amazing about the way his eyes lit up and his hands fluttered around to illustrate his point.

You parked in front of his building and followed him upstairs. His apartment had become comfortingly familiar — ever since you and Spencer bonded over a shared love of sci-fi, you’d taken to driving him home and, if it wasn’t too late, sticking around for an episode or two of Doctor Who.  

He got his ancient little DVD player up and running, and you settled on the couch, fluffing pillows and shoving aside his nest of colorful crocheted blankets, getting cozy. There was something about Spencer’s space that always felt like home; maybe it was the smell of books, or just the general Spencer-ness of the whole place. 

Just being around him had always kinda felt like home, too. Sometimes you forgot you’d only known him for six months. 

He disappeared into his room for a second and came back with a comb. It was cheap plastic, missing a couple teeth, and looked like it hadn’t been used in a while. You looked from him to the comb and back again. 

“That actually explains a lot,” you said, grinning. Spencer rolled his eyes and sat down on the floor in front of you, leaning back against your shins, and after a dismayed glance at his curls, you commented, “We could always just shave it all off.” 

“I’m not going to dignify that with an answer,” he said primly. 

You started with a couple of the less tangled pieces, finger-combing carefully through one soft lock at a time. You half-expected some comment about primates and social grooming, or at least a few facts about the quantum theory behind the TARDIS, but Spencer was uncharacteristically quiet and still, his eyes fixed on the TV. 

You separated out one of the worst knots, and he tilted his head to the side to give you better access. You were being as gentle as possible, but you knew you were hurting him at the first tug — he sucked in a breath, knuckles going white as his fingers clenched on his knees. 

“Sorry, I’m trying,” you sighed. 

With his head tilted like this, you could see the muscle clenching in his jaw and the way his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed hard. 

“S’okay,” he whispered hoarsely. “It’s not — not your fault.” 

He sat there stiffly as you worked. His hair was silky, where it wasn’t hopelessly knotted, and you were close enough that you could smell whatever clean, sweet shampoo he used. Something about it made you want to hold your breath; it felt like you were too close. Spencer rarely let you inside his little bubble of personal space. 

Maybe that was why he seemed uncomfortable. He was usually so fidgety, tapping out a rhythm or twirling a pen between his long fingers, and it was strange to see him motionless like this. 

You ran your fingers through a de-tangled section, slow and careful, and Spencer shivered, his shoulders trembling for a moment before he went unnaturally still again. 

Spencer blurted out, “Maybe this isn’t a good idea.”

At the same time, you asked, “Are you cold?” 

You paused for a moment, surprised by the reaction, but after hesitating, Spencer just muttered, “Yeah. Cold.” 

You couldn’t shake the feeling that you were missing something. It was too warm, if anything; Spencer had a patchy flush crawling up his neck and over the sharp lines of his jaw and cheekbones. 

“Here you go, goober,” you said, awkwardly cheerful in an attempt to cover your uncertainty as you grabbed an afghan from the couch and draped it around his shoulders. 

“Thanks.” He pulled the blanket down onto his lap without looking at you. “But maybe I should just do this myself.” 

“You’re never gonna get this loose on your own, not without scissors,” you warned, plucking at the knot around the last burr in his hair. “I’ll just, um — I’ll try to be more gentle.” 

“Maybe just go for it,” he said. “Get it over with.” His voice had gone all high-pitched and strained, like he was on the verge of a panic attack. If this was how much he disliked physical contact, no wonder he always avoided hugging you. 

You tried to go quickly, figuring that one quick moment of pain was better than another ten minutes of making Spencer uncomfortable. In your nervousness, you ended up tugging the burr out much more abruptly than you’d intended, and Spencer let out this rough, low, choked-off sound. Before you could apologize, he was jerking away from you, curled in on himself with his shoulders up around his ears like he was worried you were going to hit him, and — 

“Sorry,” he said, voice cracking. 

— what? 

“Spence?” you said tentatively. “What—”

He was still just curled up on the floor in a ball of gangly limbs, but he half-turned to you, twisting around. He wouldn’t make eye contact, though; he was staring intently at the pillow that was on the couch next to you. It felt weird, looking down at him like this, so you slid down onto the floor, hoping it wouldn’t spook him. He shifted back slightly, but at least he didn’t flinch away. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I didn’t — this was a bad idea.” 

The profiler in you couldn’t help but notice a few details. He was blushing, for starters. His lower lip was red where he’d been biting it, and — this was the part that surprised you most — his pupils were huge. 

You knew what Spencer looked like when he was panicking, and this wasn’t it. 

“Oh,” you breathed. “Oh.” 

He looked down at his lap, frowning as he played with the loose thread in the cuff of his sweater. 

“Sorry,” he repeated. “I know you don’t feel the same way, I wasn’t trying to — I didn’t realize it would be like that, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, and—”

“Wait, what?” 

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable! I shouldn’t have asked—”

“I don’t feel the same way about what?” 

“I know you’re not attracted to me,” Spencer said, barely audible. 

“You’re… you…what?” 

He looked up, at that, genuinely startled. There was something sweet and vulnerable shining in his eyes, and your heart was racing. You slid a little bit closer, so that your knees were almost touching Spencer’s as you faced each other, cross-legged. 

“I thought you knew.” His hushed, croaky voice broke on the last word. “I thought I was being obvious.” 

You gaped at him for a second before letting out a sharp, hysterical giggle. 

He ducked his head again, hiding behind a curtain of hair, but not before you saw the hurt expression that flashed across his features. 

“No, that’s not—” you blurted out. “Spence. Spencer.” 

“Forget it,” he said sharply, his body going tense like he was about to bolt. “Can we just forget this happened?” 

Before you could think better of it, you reached out and pushed a few curls back behind his ear, and then you grabbed, twisting your fingers in his hair to tug him forward. You cut off the startled noise he made with a clumsy, eager kiss. 

The angle was all wrong, both of you leaning forward awkwardly, but it felt like sparks all down your spine.

You pulled away just far enough to get the words out: “I thought I was being obvious.”  

Then Spencer was surging closer on his hands and knees, crowding into your space, until you had a lapful of rumpled doctor pressing you back against the couch. He cupped your jaw with gentle spidery fingers, gaze locked on your mouth, and leaned in slowly like he was still waiting for you to push him away. 

There was nothing awkward about it this time. If the first kiss was sparks, this was fireworks — it was such a goddamn cliche you wanted to kick yourself for thinking it, but it was true. Your head was spinning. Every pillowy press of his lips and soft slide of his tongue seemed to steal the breath from your lungs. 

By the time you broke apart you were panting, but at least you weren’t the only one. Spencer’s chest heaved as he pulled away. He was still staring at your mouth like he couldn’t help himself. Part of you wanted to kiss him again and maybe never stop, but another part of you was paralyzed, trying to process the fact that this was actually happening. 

You just wanted to put the world on pause so that you could memorize everything: the way he licked his lips, the smell of his laundry detergent, the barely-perceptible movement of his pulse — you’d never seen that before because you’d never been this close to him before. You wanted to hold onto it, even the less-than-perfect details — the soundtrack of buzzy Dalek screeching in the background — the way you were folded together on the floor, all too-long legs and bony elbows, which was going to get uncomfortable fast.  

Spencer seemed to feel the same way. He grazed the pad of his thumb over your lower lip, then followed the curve of your smile out to your temple and traced the shell of your ear with careful fingertips. When he brushed his curled-up fingers along the ridge of your cheekbone, you turned your head and kissed his knuckles.  

His hand came to rest on your shoulder, and you wrapped your fingers around his wrist, holding it in place, feeling the blood and bones shifting under the skin.  

“You really didn’t know?” you whispered. 

He shook his head shyly and gave you one of those incandescent smiles that always made your heart race. “No idea.” 

“I thought you were just ignoring it to spare my feelings,” you confessed. 

“I thought you were doing that.”  

“I thought you were good at your job!” you laughed. “Aren’t you supposed to be a genius or something?” 

“I think I have a blind spot, where you’re concerned.” He was blushing again. “But I was so distracted by you that I walked into a bush! How did you not —” 

“I’m the one who stares at you all the time like a creep.” 

“You thought you were being creepy?” he said sheepishly. “As soon as you started touching my hair — oh my god that’s embarrassing.” 

“That’s not the word I would’ve used.” 

You tangled your fingers in his curls, tugging experimentally. His breath hitched. 

Both of you were utterly still for a moment, watching each other, and the tension between you seemed to fill the air like a living thing. You were excruciatingly aware of all the places your bodies were touching.

You considered all the places you could touch. It would be so easy. You could tug him in, kiss him, melt into each other… there were so many possibilities, suddenly, and there was something incredible about that: the electricity, the excitement, the moment of pure potential in the pause between certainty and action. 

Spencer sighed, long and shaky, and you were so close that you could feel the current of exhaled air. 

“I couldn’t think straight,” he murmured, with a twitch of a smile. “That doesn’t happen to me often.” 

“So you didn’t know…” 

You scritched your fingernails down his scalp, marveling at the way he shivered and swayed closer like he was hypnotized. He curled his hand around the side of your neck, thumb slowly stroking the hinge of your jaw. 

“I knew I liked it,” he confessed. “But — within a certain context? Not out of nowhere like that. I didn’t think it would be... like that.” 

“Like what?”

“Intense.”  

“Yeah?” 

“But I think maybe it’s just you.” His eyes had gone all glassy and heavy-lidded, and you could barely breathe. “Maybe you drive me crazy no matter where you’re touching me.” 

“I can think of a few ways to test that hypothesis.” 

You caught a glimpse of his grin, but then he pressed his forehead to yours and his features went blurry, too close for you to focus.

“Never really thought I’d be into dirty talk, but if you’re going to start quoting the scientific method…” 

“Funny, most of the time you never shut up,” you said, giddy and overwhelmed. 

The tip of his nose brushed yours. There was maybe an inch of space between your mouths, and you wanted to close that gap so badly it felt like a physical ache. 

“I mean, if you want me to start rattling off statistics—” 

“Spencer.” You fisted both hands in his hair, tugging sharply, and he shuddered. “Take a hint.” 

“Blind spot, remember?” he whispered, lips brushing yours as they shaped the words, feather-light and maddening. 

“You know, for a genius—” you started, but he kissed you, hungry and sweet like he was making up for lost time, until you’d completely forgotten what you were going to say. 

.

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There is now a sexy follow-up here! 

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If you enjoyed this, please reblog or leave a message! 

[weeb-writor]

Bittersweet Arguments

Heyo! Today I have a Cove x Reader! He is from a visual novel called Our Life: Beginning and always. Its available on Steam and itch.io for free! But I do encourage you all to get the dlc is it is more than worth it. It is inclusive of all race, sexual orientation and pronouns/gender. Also all the characters are just amazing and loveable. I could go on and on about this game but let me shut up so you all can read^^

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Cove Holden x GN!Reader

You and cove get into a bad argument and picking up the pieces is hard.

Word Count: 2.4k(not beta read)

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“Cove hasn't talked to you…yeah I’m just worried, they haven't gone more than a week without speaking since they met. They’re going on week 3 soon… yeah I know… yeah… alright I let you know what I can find out.” Ma said, hanging up with a sigh. You rounded the corner glancing at her as you plopped down on the sofa.

“We're not 8 any more, you don't have to call Cliff anytime we get in a fight.” you said with a chuckle.

“Honey, that's the thing, you and cove have never fought. We called about Lizzie plenty of times but you… it's just parents being parents. We're just worried.” She said stroking your hair. You grasped her hand and gave it a squeeze before you got up.

“Don’t be.” You said as you went up to your room. Well you were packing so really it was just a room with a bed. You plopped down face first into it. You just laid there mind racing a mile a minute. The fight, the disagreements, the tears played over and over again. It was simple at first and then it wasn't. Then it was yelling, arms flailing, and angry tears. What would happen next? It was a fear you thought that was already put to rest but it came again, and again, and again. Each time it was more and more muddled. What would happen to you both? How would long distance work? Were you supposed to tell your parents about your engagement? Who would come visit who? How often? No matter what question it was, the answer always resulted in more questions. 

To you it was like Cove didn't trust you, like he didn't believe you loved him enough to do anything to make it work. For Cove you were… well you don't know. He was silent about the issue of the future. It was like you were discussing it with yourself as if there isn't another person in the relationship. It was frustrating, it made you angry at him and at yourself for being angry at him. You grabbed your pillow which had become a bucket for your tears and you cried and screamed into it. Over time your tears and screams died down and you drifted into not a peaceful sleep but a painful one. When you woke up you stumbled down stairs in a trance and nearly rounded the corner before you heard it. You stopped in your tracks immediately and sunk to the floor. It was him, your love, the neighborhood boy, Cove Holden.

“How are they?” He spoke quietly.

“I can't lie to you and say they're fine but they are resting right now.” Mom said with a sigh.

“Tha… T-That’s fine but what about eating, drinking, packing, and leaving the house?” He stuttered nervously. You wanted to laugh. It was so Cove to still be nervous talking to someone he knew essentially his whole life.

“Yes, of course. We’ve made sure, nothing to worry about.” At that you heard a sigh of relief come from the green haired boy.

“Okay, okay good. Um could you just let me know if they need anything.” His voice was shaky like he wanted to cry.

“They need you, kid.” Your mom said slowly. There was a long silence at this. Was it actually long or were you just anxious you weren’t sure.

“...I need them more.” He said in a barely intelligible whisper. Goodbyes were said and stayed on the floor even as you heard mom coming your way. When she was in your sight her eyes widened but more in worry than surprised. You tilted your head at her and that’s when you felt it. Tears were cascading from your eyes. You wiped them away in surprise and rose to your feet.

“Im fine.” You said before jogging to your room where you curled into a ball as if to shield you from the impending doom. From this position you watched the sunset and the moon rise, almost unblinking. You felt tears soak your pillow, you had begun crying without realizing again.

This couldn't go on, you had to talk to Cove.

Muscle memory had kicked in from the one time you had snuck into Cove’s room and boom. You were sitting on his bedside stroking his hair as he slept. Just like you it seemed his sleep was anything but peaceful. His brow was creased and you couldn’t help but thumb along it prompting him to wake up. His eyes shot open and he blinked a while before he sighed. 

“Are you gonna be a dream or a nightmare.” he said softly.

“I'm in your nightmares?” You said glancing to the side. At this he shot up. Tears pulled in his eyes as he held his hand out to you. As soon as his fingers brushed your face he let out a quiet sob.

“So dream or nightmare then?” You said with watery eyes.

“An absolute dream.” He said with a firmness in him that was rare.

“Cove I don't want to talk about it right now, can we sleep...together.”

“Yes!” he shouted quietly, immediately making space for you under his blankets. You moved with equal amount of eagerness and soon for the first time in a while you felt truly at peace.

“Can...can I hold you.” You didn't say anything to his request, just moved closer and grabbed onto his nightshirt. Instantly you both fall into a deep peaceful sleep.

“Hey kid, I wanna talk…” Cliff trailed off awkwardly as he locked eyes with you. Cove was fast asleep, head in your lap and arms squeezing you. You smiled and put your finger to your lips. Cliff got the signal and walked out with a smile. Cove slept for 30 minutes more before his icy blue eyes met yours.

“Uh, wanna eat? I got all the ingredients for…” he didn’t need to finish the red flush of his face said enough. He was eating your favorite and you were eating his. You let off a quiet laugh.

“I’m feeling more peanut butter, honey, and banana sandwiches. Maybe some fruit.” You smiled down at him. His eyes lit up and you were dragged into the kitchen and now you both were about done making the sandwiches.

“What are you glaring at my sandwiches for?” You jokingly accused him.

“There isn’t enough honey on it, honey.” He said poking your forehead. You laughed and he laughed and then you both went to sit at the table. Mr. Holden was there too and made moves to get up but was stopped by the both of you shouting no. Awkwardly he sat back down.

“So, how’s packing coming? Coves been putting it off, so much.” He asked you gently.

“I’m pretty much done! Nothing in my room but a bed now.” You said with a smile.

“That’s great, still planning on leaving for college?” He asked with caution.

“Yeah, that’s the plan. I’m going to miss having you around.” You said with a small smile. The impromptu breakfast was over soon after this and you were left alone with cove again. Questions about the future loomed over you and this time you were going to get answers.

“Can... we talk?” You said staring at him with determination.

“Yes..” he trailed off

“No Cove, can we really talk? Like talk things out, like argue and come to a consensus.”

“Yes but I just don’t... want us to fight” he said playing with his hands.

“Arguments are normal cove, hell they’re healthy even. The unhealthy part is what you do during the argument and what you do after. Of course, we could try just talking first.” You smiled at him hoping to ease his nervousness.

“So you mean to say storming off to your son's room and pacing isn't a healthy way of closing an argument?” He said with a joking tone.

“Well if we ever get to the talk about the future, maybe one day you could see just how healthy it is…” You trailed off looking at him hopefully. Cove let out one of his cute squeaks as he flushed red. He raked his fingers through his hair before he grabbed your hand and pulled you to the sofa.

“Let's… talk then.” he said, glancing at you and then away.

“Alright, Cove, I'm going far away. What you are asking to do is impractical, I'm asking you not to do it.” You said seriously.

“It's 36 hours by car on the fastest route and 3 hours and 29 minutes by plane, it's not impractical, it's totally possible.” He said with unusually fierce eyes.

“Sure but you want to do it every two weeks, twice a month! It's not safe for you to drive that long. Think of the money it’ll cost to fly or put gas in your car. Also you'll have your own bills now, your own place. It's not all that possible.” You spoke firmly.

“Doesn't matter… i'll make it possible and safe. If I need to, I'll stay with my dad for a while. Moving out isn’t that big of a deal” He said not backing down

“No Cove, do you hear yourself? You’ve wanted to move out and be in your own place for a while. What happened to the boy who wanted to do everything the way he wanted without listening to set rules or a predetermined plan?”

“This isn't someone's predetermined plan for me, it's what I want.”

“What about what I want?” you said softly

“Is what you want… not to be around me? Or am I too.. too clingy for you? Cause if so I promise I won't intrude too much.. And I’ll give you space-”

“No! Its nothing like that! You are never gonna be too clingy for me, you could get clinger if you wanted. I just want you to be safe, okay?” You said cutting that thought off immediately

“I promise I will be then.” He said hesitantly.

“Baby, the whole action of it isn't safe physically or financially for either of us right now. I'm not saying you can't come but what about once every month or even better ill come back here every break I have. They aren't frequent but I'd be with you for a while.”

“It's not enough!” He said, raising his voice at you. It's the first time he’d ever done it but you didn't respond, you just blinked at him and waited for him to continue.

“I need to see you more than that.. I just have to.” He said, looking away from you.

“Why? We’ve spent weeks apart before. Every summer you leave and we come out of it fine, it's the same.”

“No its not the same, at all.” He spoke firmly as his eyes got misty but he pressed on. “When I went with my mom I knew where you were, what you were most likely doing. It was routine, sunset bird is our place. Even if something new comes along I'm never out of the loop… but when you leave you’ll be in a new place with different people and new things you can experience. You’ll be in a place with all four seasons, they get snow! I won't know what you're doing any more and we might not even be on the same wavelength any more. You’ll make new friends and meet people who won't be afraid to lay in bed with you or stutter a lot or make weird noises. You’ll be changing and I’ll still be the same 8 year old cry baby you met on the poppy hill… you’ll leave and then you’ll disappear.” He said scrubbing at his tears. You stared at him before you started to laugh. You laughed so hard you started to cry.

“Let me get this straight, you want to come visit me so often because you're afraid I'll become this social butterfly and find better people than you, Miranda, and Terri? Me?” You were overcome with laughter again and paused to catch your breath. “I’m overly honest, pushy, a little demanding, and have “strange” interests. When have you ever known me to be easy to make friends with or be sociable with any other than you? You know I knew I was gonna marry you from the moment I laid eyes on you at the ripe age of 8? I wish some dumb college kid would try to change my plans i’d kill them… nothing is gonna take me away from you and I will always come home. Home, cove holden, is wherever you are.” Cove was hugging you in a second crying into your neck.

“I quite like your squeaks and weird noises by the way.” You could feel his face heat up in your neck as he laughed.

“Every break?”

“Every break longer than 2 days.”

“At my place… the whole time?”

“Duh I said I was going home.”

“Alright then, we agree. I want to come spend a break with you though, want to see your place.” He said squeezing you tighter.

“Of course… Also one last thing we need to put to bed.” Cove let out a groan at your words.

“Nothing bad at all. Just this.” You reached into your back pocket and pulled out a black velvet box. You handed it to cove as his eyes watered again.

“I know I already proposed but I wanted to get you something regardless. Its also so all these single people keep their grubby little paws off my love.” He blushed at you and whispered your name the way he always did when he was feeling embarrassed or overwhelmed. He opened it as tears fell down his face.

“Theres two?” 

“Yeah look at the inside of the bands.” Each one was engraved with your respective nicknames for each other.

“Were engaged we minus well look the part. This way everybody at my college knows I managed to lockdown the most amazing guy to ever grace sunset bird.” You said kissing his nose. He wasted no time putting his on and handing you yours.

“I love you.” He said, eyes no longer misty.

“I love you so much, Cove.” You echoed his sentiment.

“Wanna go to our hill, we have a lot to make up for. I’ve missed you so much.” He said, grabbing your hand. You nodded and you both turned to leave. You both quickly made eye contact with Clifford Holden who was misty eyed. You gathered he had been there for a while.

“Sho...Should I pretend i didn't just see or hear that as well?” He said his hand on his neck.

[deco-devolution]

Sexuality & Gender In Rapture

Okay, so this is a frankly huge topic to cover, and because there is so little direct reference to any non-heterosexual/cisgender culture in the games, a lot of this will be me sharing and explain my headcanons/worldbuilding. My ideas will be based on historical accounts of 1940-1950 America, as Rapture seems to be fairly westernized. in addition, I will be focusing purely on the lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans communities to cut down on post size and research time. Here we go!

 Note: These all refer to Rapture’s (Columbia gets a separate post) culture in the peak of the city’s life- a snapshot into queer Rapture circa 1955, roughly speaking. As such my talk about the culture is purely as I’d imagine it to be at that specific time only with no details as to the cultural development to that point.

cw for homophobia, transphobia, use of the word queer

Sexuality In Rapture

It’s no secret that Rapture was much more open about sexuality than Columbia or even America at the time. Thought the games we see many references to sex and sexuality: strip clubs, porn magazines, sex shops and prostitution are all over the city.

There’s even a Need to Know Theater that candidly talks about sex and romantic partnership, called Sex Without Compromise. While this laissez-faire attitude certainly extended to LGBT citizens, old prejudices are stubborn.

While the reality is that Rapture is very open about sex, it is almost exclusively depicted as heterosexual/cisgender, save for ‘scandalous’ or ‘alternative’ publications. We can assume this from the clear over-representation of heterosexuals/cisgender people seen throughout Rapture, particularly in advertisements. (x,x)

Sexuality-based prejudice is still very much a thing. While homophobia on the surface is much more direct (x), in my mind same gender attraction in Rapture is seen a result of curiosity or a temporary solution for finding companionship before settling down into a straight relationship. It’s not unusual for men or women in same-gender relationships to be asked how long they plan to ‘have’ the relationship or why they’re really together. Violent discrimination is rarer in Rapture yet it’s nowhere near gone, much like the racism mentioned in-game. Obviously, it’s not 100% safe- Being either out or closeted can potentially lead to you getting ostracized, fired or even assaulted. Because of this, LGBT+ citizens tend to stay either outright closeted or simply don’t share about themselves at work.

Minor note: I like to believe that certain industries in Rapture encourage gay, and lesbian employees; at least, they encourage stereotypical gays and lesbians. In typically ‘feminine’ businesses such as fashion and the arts, flamboyant gay men are seen as “”exotic”” employees that are engaging while nonthreatening, while more ‘masculine’ jobs like construction and the sciences would sometimes use butch lesbians to portray themselves as discerning employers (Look! We only hire only the best people, even... those kinds of girls! Buy our products). Within this odd system of employment queerness is used an yet another advantage to be leveraged, lateral movement is limited, and many same-gender attracted citizens simply bounced from one entry-level job to another (or mid-level job, if they were lucky). While queerness was an easy leverage to used gain employment in normally-restricted workplaces, when push came to shove they were usually the first out the door (along with the employees of color). While the array of available businesses hoping to hire to what essentially is a Token Gay Employee started out as a decent amount, the benefit of leaning into the stereotype was seized on by others. Before the fall of the city, it wasn’t impossible to find a few employees “playing queer” to make a paycheck.

Much like most communities, the LGBT+ community has its own culture within the city. There are popular hotspots (as well as simply tolerant places and places to avoid) and though it makes up for only a fraction of the city, the  the nightlife of the LGBT+ community is just as enthusiastic if not more so. There’s also a smaller fraction of LGBT+ owned businesses that allow for gatherings and/or cruising. This however is done with the understanding that the experience(s) aren’t to be shared beyond trusted associates, as the potential for being outed is still there. I haven’t decided which canon establishments are safe, yet, but there’s no shortage of potential locations.

Unfortunately, class division is still as marked as ever. Most of Rapture is still incredibly objectivist and the LGBT+ community is no different. Instead of a more unified front, economic status still chiefly divides them and there’s almost an air of territorial-ness between the members of each letter. Most LGBT people consider themselves poor/working/elite first and foremost. In addition each layer of the social pyramid has their own take on current and developing traditions. For example the real-world practice of giving your lover violets or lavender becomes more lavish the wealthier you are. (While I know the same is possible on the surface, in Rapture expensive gifting is not only possible but expected and encouraged) Here’s an example of how I think the objectivist lenses of Rapture distort gestures of love, using the flowers as an example:

Gender In Rapture

While often less addressed in Rapture, gender is still an important aspect of identity in any culture and so deserves its own space. While the representation in canon is both rare and only presented in a fetishized light (the only proof of a gender non-conforming person is found in a sex shop as an ad for a skin mag), we can still make some assumptions using what we know about the culture of Rapture as a whole. 

The overall understanding of gender in Rapture is... pretty basic to be honest. Nearly all discussions of gender center mostly on the idea of challenging gender roles rather than the breaking down the overall binary. Being outside of or entirely non-binary isn’t in the general consciousness yet, most likely due to the immaturity of Rapture culture and its mainly mid-century American perspective.

While not publicly available in Rapture vending machines, there are HRT gene tonics for sale- they’re marketed under the guise of improving a woman’s femininity or man’s masculinity, it’s sold in the wider plasmid/tonic distribution catalogues without the need of any sort of prescription. This helps some looking to transition do so much easier, though the issue of financial barriers for those who are younger and/or living in poverty still linger.

As far as options like SRS go, the procedure is much easier to access in Rapture than on the surface. While there are still obviously some who are transphobic and oppose the procedure, the surgery itself is practiced by many if not most surgeons in the city- being able to do so is successfully is considered a show of skill. 

Expressive clothing and accessories was also less of a problem to acquire on the more conservative surface; the let-do and money-hungry attitude of the city meant there was always someone willing to help you find whatever was needed to present yourself genuinely. Hips don’t fit store-brand slacks? Chain store dress pinching your arms? With the right payment there’s nothing to it. Employees and merchants are less opinionated- if you have the coin they have the wares. 

The symbols of pride are very different in Rapture- as neither the trans flag or gay pride flag had been created yet (x) (x), both communities had their own symbols to fill the void of representation, though the city fell before a flag could be adopted on the whole. The use of LGBT+ slang in Rapture is well-developed though, and most of the pride symbols stem from cultural references of such slang: lesbians were referred to as Kiki’s girls (x), gay men give each other daffodils (x) (contextually reclaimed),  bisexual men were closely associated with Greek iconography (x) while bisexual women were commonly called Gilette girls (x) and trans people were labeled Sisters of Glen or Brothers of Glenda, after the 1953 film Glen or Glenda (x).  

Questions or comments? Let me know! Thanks for reading. 

[sysmedsaresexist]

(Thank you)

1. Can you be a system with absolutely no idea what caused you to split? Or to not be aware of your trama at all?

I’ve only very recently come to terms with the fact that I have trauma and haven’t done any work on it yet. I don’t have an event I can point to and go “this traumatized me.”

2. What does it feel like to have an alter front?

3. Are systems usually aware they’re a system before they’re diagnosed?

4. Do alters always know what they look like beforehand? Previously I thought alters knew everything about themselves but one of the answers I got mentioned hosts sometimes helping to figure out names.

I'm curious what kind of answers you've gotten to these so far that made you seek us out, of all people, lol

1. Can you be a system with absolutely no idea what caused you to split? Or to not be aware of your trama at all?

Absolutely, both of these scenarios are not only possible, but completely normal. We're going to switch these around and talk about them in the opposite order, starting with, "not aware of trauma at all". The purpose of a system is to hide trauma. When you're young and going through traumatic situations, and you dissociate, what usually happens is one of two things. Either the child mentally goes away (dissociates, imagining being in a different situation, ignoring what's happening to them in the moment), or they imagine actually being someone else ("this isn't happening to me, it's happening to someone else, I'm (fuck it, uh) Zoro, and I, Zoro, can handle this"). Both of these scenarios lay the groundwork for the creation of a system, and both cases lead to the loss of memory of traumatic events when a child experiences that extreme level of dissociation over prolonged periods.

What this means is, there is no one event that creates a system. It's event, after event, after event, until the child can no longer form a cohesive sense of self. They've become too reliant on dissociation as a coping mechanism, these dissociated parts have taken on a life of their own, and a child's identity has become so fractured and they're so confused that they can't tell who or what they are, and the memories of why are scattered between these parts.

It's not as easy as pointing to an event and saying, "That was it. That was what happened, that's what did this to me-- to us."

This sort of plays in to the next point of, "why did a specific alter split." And this can apply to childhood, later, hell, today, ten years ago, fifteen years from now. It's not always as easy as pointing to a specific event for each alter, either. Some alters take months and years after an event to come forward and make themselves known. This can make pinning down their "origin" almost impossible. What made them could have happened a long time ago. Sometimes it's not a specific event, but a combination of several events, just like in childhood. Are your parents always fighting? Maybe, by the tenth time they're blowing up at each other and you're curled up in your room trying to ignore it, a part finally splits to help you handle that stress. It wasn't specifically the tenth fight-- it was the combination of ALL of the fights.

2. What does it feel like to have an alter front?

This depends. I'm old. I've experienced a lot of different feelings when someone else fronts. When I was kid, it sometimes felt like I was asleep. No memories of it, just blissful darkness, no real time loss, things would go dark for what felt like ten minutes, and then I'd be back, several hours later, barely even realizing I had missed an entire day. I also had pretty bad maladaptive daydreaming, and sometimes I would go into my daydreams while another alter took over. I just thought this was normal. I was just REALLY good at multi-tasking, you know?

When I got older, and I learned more about what was happening, sometimes it would feel like a battle to the death-- two of us fighting desperately for front. Sometimes it honestly felt like a punch to the head-- a knock out when I lost, unpleasant darkness, fear, anxiety, what was I going to come back to? Other times, when I won, I was left with a massive headache and exhausted. Sometimes I welcomed the break, and over time, it became easier. It became like watching things happen through a foggy window. Sometimes I wanted to do something, and I couldn't, and sometimes I felt helpless and lost. As communication got better, I could see more clearly, I could ask for things to happen, I could occasionally... steal a moment, use a hand, set something straight on the counter that was bothering me.

When an alter fronts, it can feel like a lot of things, depending on the situation, depending on communication levels. There's no "one way" or "right way".

3. Are systems usually aware they’re a system before they’re diagnosed?

I would say, in the age of the internet, it's more likely than not that someone is aware they're potentially a system, than it is for them to be completely unaware at the time of diagnosis. Before the internet, before you could just google symptoms, a lot of people weren't aware prior to diagnosis. Even these days, it's not unheard of for someone to only find out around the time of diagnosis, because you don't always realize you're losing time, or have amnesia. Your alters aren't always so completely different that the people around you notice and point it out. The entire point of this disorder is for it to be unnoticeable. It really just depends on the person, their exposure to information about the disorders, and how bad their dissociation is. Some know, some don't. Some go seeking therapy for help with other issues and eventually it just comes out over time that you have something else going on. Sometimes you suspect, and you go to therapy specifically for it. It's different for everyone.

4. Do alters always know what they look like beforehand? Previously I thought alters knew everything about themselves but one of the answers I got mentioned hosts sometimes helping to figure out names.

Not at all. It's actually really common for alters to be... essentially blank slates in the beginning. Let's look at the example above, of the child dissociating out of a bad situation. If they're going away into their daydreams, the body is essentially left unattended. Any alter that forms in that moment could considered to be "blank" at the start. In the other scenario, you know who Zoro is, what they look like, what they like and dislike, what their history is. It doesn't even need to be a character you know of, maybe you, like me, had MaDD, and you'd become one of your characters, your OCs. I had one.

She was strong and had superpowers and was beautiful and confident-- and that was one of my first alters. I imagined being her often enough that I could eventually take the other route, disappear into my mind while she handled it herself (this was totally normal multi-tasking, apparently). She knew who and what she was right off the bat. What she looked like, her history, her personality. In the first scenario, that alter may or may not come up with that information on their own. They may remain blank until communication is good, and then they might start to grow, maybe you do help them find a name, maybe they find it years later on their own. Again, there's no "one way". It depends on the circumstances.

-

You sent a second ask with some more questions, and I think this leads into the next one.

Is it normal for an alter to feel more comfortable in the body than the original host?

Like, you look in a mirror and you think “yeah this is [alter name]” Not really as a negative or positive feeling, just a neutral and true one. Being trans (or mistaking the presence of a different gender alter [the alter in question] for it?) might also effect this.

This can happen, yes! In the case of my OC/alter, of course she looked like me. She was everything I wanted to be when I was a child. She can look in the mirror and say, yup, definitely me. This is what I've always looked like, and I'm perfection.

I have another alter that just... isn't bothered by appearance. He looks in the mirror and it's like, "yup, I guess so, cool -finger guns-"

There's a lot of reasons some alters might be more comfortable in the body than others, and they're all totally normal.

-

And finally. The last question:

What is a tupla?

This is, surprisingly, a very loaded question.

First, right off the bat, the use of the term tulpa is cultural appropriation. I don't claim to be an expert, but to put it simply. The actual practice of tulpamancy is nothing, NOTHING, like what it's being used for in system circles. Here's a really, REALLY good post on how it's been twisted from the original practice and westernized.

The more accepted terms in system circles are willogenic, parogenic, and thoughtforms. These are "headmates" that are intentionally created. They're imaginary friends brought to life through meditation and practice. Some systems claim to be DID/OSDD and say they've intentionally created some alters, making them "mixed origin" (it's more likely that someone has convinced themselves that it was intentional and their choice in an attempt to feel a sense of control over their situation). Some endogenic systems claim to have intentionally created their entire system (which, because on the levels of dissociation needed to create alters, I don't believe is possible without a traumatic origin).

I hope this all helps, I hope it all made sense, if you have more questions, let me know!

[gendercensus]

I saw that you removed third gender because of the anthropological definition- that's not the definition most people use for it. Third gender relates mainly to the western binary and means a gender that's neither a man nor a woman but something else. It's now known as maverique, which has a flag and is more popular, but people who had the gender identity before the word was established used third gender instead because it was the easiest to explain. I just wanted to clarify this because seeing someone call one of my genders a scientific term was super weird and kind of offensive. As much as I care about the safety and comfort of poc in the nb community, we already replaced the term while acknowledging that none of us meant the one that is incredibly transphobic and racist to begin with they just co-evolved separately and with nothing to do with one another. If possible, a note that the history of third gender as a nb identity and as a term within anthropology would be really appreciated. Our community is very small and I'd hate for young nbs to feel as though the term they relate to isn't a gender they can identify with without being bigoted, especially when we've done the work necessary to establish community elsewhere where there are less problems for everyone.

For context, this ask is a reference to this part of the 2020 worldwide report:

Last year I decided that I would remove terms from the checkbox list that were chosen by under 3% of participants in both the over-30s and under-30s group and that didn’t correspond with other more popular terms on the list. This year one term met the criteria: third gender. I looked into the phrase a little more last year, and found that it’s essentially a term used by white anthropologists to describe non-straight-non-cis people in non-Western societies. That could include LGB people and binary trans people, in addition to people whose genders are not described by the M/F binary. On the basis of racism alone I am very happy to finally remove this term from the checkbox list next year.

There is a lot going on in my head in response to your ask, so I’m putting it into bullet points to tidy it up!

I would really love to see some sources to back up the claim that maverique has the exact same meaning as third gender and that one has replaced the other. Something about this claim feels very off to me and I can’t quite articulate why.

I can definitely see how third gender as an identity term could have evolved separately alongside the use of third gender in an anthropological context. “So if you’re not a man or a woman but you still have a gender, what are you?” “Oh you know, some third gender, I guess?” It’s very intuitive, and the definition is right there in the term itself.

I agree that the way I talked about the term third gender in the 2020 report doesn’t take into account the people who started claiming and using it independently of the anthropology context. My tone was pretty insensitive, so I’d like to go back and edit the report to correct that.

My understanding is there are several words that mean “a specific and whole gender identity entirely distinct from female/woman/feminine and male/man/masculine”. To claim that one particular word has entirely replaced another with the exact same meaning, with the implication that this was an intentional community decision by consensus, seems very bold to me - there is certainly no mention of it on the Nonbinary Wiki pages for third gender or maverique - so if that truly has happened I would like to read more about it.

~

Edit: Also, just spotted this:

I saw that you removed third gender because of the anthropological definition

That isn’t true. I removed it because it was chosen as a checkbox option by under 3% of respondents in both the over-30 and under-30 age groups. With some exceptions, anything that is chosen or typed in often enough will be on the checkbox list, regardless of whether or not I personally like it.

[nazumichi]

⚧, 🏳️‍⚧️, 🏳️‍🌈, 🧡, 📖, ❤️‍🩹, 😋, 🪞, 🏡, 🗡, and ❓ if you have something else you'd like to share about marie and katara! i chose a. lot (sorry i am bad at decision-making) so divide them between marie and katara however you like! feel free to skip any as well :]

I’m gonna be extra and do them all for them both, if you don’t mind!!

Katara:

⚧ - pronoun hc: she/they!! demigirl of my heart, in fact. 🏳️‍⚧️ - gender hc: I like to think she never really felt comfortable being entirely a girl, and she got a lot of acceptance in this, a lot of space to find out how she’d like to be called. she and sokka are she/they-he/they hostility. 🏳️‍🌈 - orientation hc: bisexual, I’m literally telling u….. sokka wasn’t the only one pining over yue, is all I’m gonna say JWHJWHWJGW. 🧡 - everyone I ship with this character: aang, suki, yue, and I think that’s it!! 📖 - au id like to see them in: not to um express obvious favouritism, but I’d like to see how she’d fit into the divorced zukkaverse. how she’s chief and how she can sense something’s wrong with her brother, and how perilous everything is. oh, I guess chief katara au? that’d be cool.

❤️‍🩹 - angsty hc: I like to think that book 3 was…. particularly stressful for her (although it would be for anyone but). just. blending in with the enemy, wearing their clothes and walking among them, I think she’d be very on edge, paranoid. of course these feelings never last long, but they’re nagging at the back of her mind all the same.  😋 - funny/stupid hc: probably talks shit with momo. constantly thinking about how she asked for a table for two when it was just the both of them, I’m gonna take that a step further and say she holds whole conversations with him.       🪞- appearance hc: probably has very pruny hands, you know, because of the waterbending. sokka jokes that she looks like she has old lady hands, and is forcibly thrown into the ice-bucket challenge.                                                    🏡 - domestic hc: keeps a VERY tidy living space. I don’t know what else to say on that matter, but she does.                                                                       🗡 - badass hc: chief katara, of course she’s the chief of the southern watertribe, it’s where she’s meant to be, she’s such a powerful bender, she cares so much about her people, she’d be such a good chief….

Marie:

⚧ - pronoun hc: she’s not telling you for free!! she/her, is fine with they/them though.  🏳️‍⚧️ - gender hc: transfem literally. transitioned once she got to anima city, I feel like she snuck in a deal or two with rose to get it for free (not that was rose trying too hard: “you understand that this sort of surgery is provided without cost, right?” “mhm sure, name your price.”) 🏳️‍🌈 - orientation hc: bisexual and demiromantic! being a public menace means she gets mad bitches (no it doesn’t, no one likes her too much).  🧡 - everyone I ship with this character: literally just shirou, they’re killing me rn. I haven’t been normal in at least a year. sometimes I mess with the idea of her and pingua being in a qpr at the same time, mostly for the jokes though, I just think they’re very close friends.  📖 - au id like to see them in: ooooh I got plany au. lately I’ve been thinking about working out her whole family situation (not the mob, her biological family) which is it’s own various projects. also I’ve got a toh au that I made some art/notes for a while back (and also this au I saw a while back that I thought was inch resting, I can’t remember it’s name, but michiru was muuuuuch younger and shirou essentially showed up to fights with a baby strapped to a carrier and I think putting marie in an au like that would be soooooo funny).  ❤️‍🩹 - angsty hc: thinking about how she won’t be missed, if how she vanished one day no one would notice a thing, thinking about how smug and prideful she is but how she could buy into that, that no one would bat an eye, how she’d go forgotten, how the city would keep on its way and leave her behind. I made a post about couches once as well standing emoji.  😋 - funny/stupid hc:  NOTORIOUS clothes thief, plain awful. michiru hasn’t had her baseball cap back in weeks, marie took it and occasionally flips it out her pocket and walks around with it on (much to michiru’s annoyance). of the three coats we see shirou with throughout the show, she has worn them all at least three times, they don’t get a say in it, collar too. “something’s different about you — where’s the collar, huh?” “i don’t need it. I’m done hiding who I am, this part of me that’s been dormant for so long. I’m finally …. free.” “…. can I have it?” “*hop pop “BWAH?!?!?!?” sound*.”  🪞- appearance hc: has a scar on her lip!! I haven’t worked out what it’s from yet, but it goes from her bottom lip and just reaches her chin. either she got it in a fight, or while running from someone and ate shit because of those heels, or it was an unintentional shirou-related incident (cough). I imagine she has a number of scars in fact, claw and tooth marks. city’s rough.  🏡 - domestic hc: I feel like at one point, in a barely further future, she lets that one chatty albatross guy, entirely new and enamoured by the city, stay with her. he doesn’t go to the co-op, thinks it would be “awkward” with shirou being there, somehow less awkward to ask to stay with this one person he saw after a massive battle. and she’s like “wait till you find out I’m that guy’s informant.” but I feel like they’d really gel, after the initial “can’t believe he doesn’t notice I’m a con-artist” and “I’m doing such a good job at pretending I don’t know she’s a con-artist.”  🗡 - badass hc: probably very good in a fight. come onnnn, she jumps out the way of a close-range crossbow bolt, she slashes boris like he’s warm butter, she literally says “oh yeah sure I can kill those guys, done it before, but can you IMAGINE the paperwork?” very nimble I imagine, she literally runs and fights in heels multiple times, she’s gotta be very light on her feet. probably tussled with shirou at one point, maybe even got out the situation with a sort-of-win. michiru thinks she’s so cool (till she demands payment).

[killianmesmalls]

On your comments about Jack: ye-es, in the sense that Jack is a character who definitely deserved better than he was treated by the characters. The way Dean especially treats him reflects very badly on Dean, no question. But, speaking as a viewer, I think the perspective needs to shift a little bit.

To me, Jack is Dawn from Buffy, or Scrappy Doo. He’s an (in my opinion) irritating kid who is introduced out of nowhere to be both super vulnerable and super OP, and the jeopardy is centered around him in a way that has nothing to do with his actual character or relationships. He’s mostly around to be cute and to solve or create problems — he never has any firm character arcs or goals of his own, nor any deeper purpose in the meta narrative. In this way, he’s a miss for SPN, which focuses heavily on conflicts as metaphors for real life.

Mary fits so much better in that framework, and introducing her as a developed, flawed person works really well with the narrative. It is easy for us to care about Mary, both as the dead perfect mother on the pedestal and as the flawed, human woman who could not live up to her sons’ expectations. That connection is built into the core of SPN, and was developed over years, even before she was a character. When she was added, she was given depth and nuance organically, and treated as a flawed, complex character rather than as a plot device or a contrivance. She was given a voice and independence, and became a powerful metaphor for developing new understandings of our parents in adulthood, as well as an interesting and well-rounded character. You care that she’s dead, not just because Sam and Dean are sad, but for the loss of her development and the potential she offered. So, in that sense, I think a lot of people were frustrated that she died essentially fridged for a second time, and especially in service of the arc of a weaker character.

And like, you’re right, no one can figure out if Jack is a toddler or a teenager. He’s both and he’s neither, because he’s never anything consistently and his character arc is always “whatever the plot needs it to be.” Every episode is different. Is he Dean’s sunny opportunity to be a parent and make up for his dad’s shitty parenting? Yes! Is he also Dean’s worst failure and a reminder that he has done many horrible things, including to “innocent” children? Yes! Is he Cas’s child? Yes! Is he Dean’s child? Yes! But also, no! Is he Sam’s child? Yes! Is he a lonely teenager who does terrible things? Yes! Is he a totally innocent little lamb who doesn’t get why what he is doing is wrong? Yes! Is he the most powerful being in the universe? Yes! Does he need everyone to take care of him? Yes! Is he just along for the ride? Yes! Is he responsible for his actions? Kinda??? Sometimes??? What is he???

Mary as a character is narratively cohesive and fleshed-out. Jack is a mishmash of confusing whatever’s that all add up to a frustrating plot device with no consistent traits to latch on to. Everything that fans like about him (cute outfits, gender play, well-developed parental bonds with the characters) is fanon. So, yes, the narrative prioritizes Mary. Many fans prioritize Mary, at least enough that Dean’s most heinous acts barely register. To the narrative (not to Cas, which is a totally different situation), Jack is only barely more of a character than Emma Winchester, who Sam killed without uproar seasons earlier. He’s been around longer, but he’s equally not really real.

I debated on responding to this because, to tell the truth, I think we fundamentally disagree on a number of subjects and, as they say, true insanity is arguing with anyone on the internet. However, you spent a lot of time on the above and I feel it's only fair to say my thoughts, even if I don't believe it will sway you any more than what you said changed my opinions.

I'm assuming this was in response to this post regarding how Jack's accidental killing of Mary was treated so severely by the brothers, particularly Dean, because it was Mary and, had it been a random character like the security guard in 13x06, it would have been treated far differently. However, then the argument becomes less about the reaction of the Winchester brothers to this incident and more the value of Jack or Mary to the audience.

I believe we need to first admit that both characters are inherently archetypes—Mary as the Madonna character initially then, later, as a metaphor for how imperfect and truly human our parents are compared to the idol we have as children, and Jack as the overpowered child who is a Jesus allegory by the end. Both have a function within the story to serve the Winchester brothers, through whose lens and with whose biases we are meant to view the show's events. We also need to admit that the writers didn't think more than a season ahead for either character, especially since it wasn't initially supposed to be Mary that came back at the end of season 11 but John, and they only wrote enough for Jack in season 13 to gauge whether or not the audience would want him to continue on or if he needed to be killed off by the end of the season. Now, I know we curate our own experiences online which leads to us being in our own fandom echo chambers, however it is important to note that the character was immediately successful enough with the general audience that, after his first episode or two, he was basically guaranteed a longer future on the show.

I have to admit, I’m not entirely sure why the perspective of how his character is processed by some audience members versus others has any bearing on the argument that he deserved to be treated better overall by the other characters especially when taking their own previous actions in mind. I’m not going to tell you that your opinion is wrong regarding your feelings for Jack. It’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it, it harms no one to have it and express it. My feelings on Jack are clearly very different from your own, but this is really just two different people who processed a fictional person in different ways. I personally believe he has a purpose in the Winchesters’ story, including Castiel’s, as he reflects certain aspects of all of them, gives them a way to explore their own histories through a different perspective, and changes the overall dynamic of Team Free Will from “soldiers in arms” to a family (Misha’s words). In the beginning he allows Sam to work through his past as the “freak” and powerful, dangerous boy wonder destined to bring hell on earth. With Dean, his presence lets Dean work through his issues with John and asks whether he will let history repeat itself or if he’ll work to break the cycle. Regarding Cas, in my opinion he helps the angel reach his “final form” of a father, member of a family, lover and protector of humanity, rebellious son, and the true show of free will. 

From strictly the story, he has several arcs that work within themes explored in Supernatural, such as the argument of nature versus nurture, the question of what we’re willing to give up in order to protect something or someone else and how ends justify the means, and the struggle between feeling helpless and powerless versus the corruptive nature of having too much power and the dangerous lack of a moral compass. His goals are mentioned and on display throughout his stint on the show, ones that are truly relatable to some viewers: the strong desire to belong—the need for family and what you’ll do to find and keep it. 

With Mary, we first need to establish whether the two versions of her were a writing flaw due to the constant change in who was dictating her story and her relationship to the boys, which goes against the idea that her characterization was cohesive and fleshed-out but, rather, put together when needed for convenience, or if they both exist because, as stated above, we are seeing the show primarily through the biased lens of the Winchester brothers and come to face facts about the true Mary as they do. Like I said in my previous post, I don’t dislike Mary and I don’t blame her for her death (either one). However, I do have a hard time seeing her as a more nuanced, fleshed-out character than Jack. True, a lot of her problems are more adult in nature considering she has to struggle with losing her sons’ formative years and meeting them as whole adults she knows almost nothing about, all because of a choice she made before they were born. 

However, her personal struggles being more “mature” in nature (as they center primarily on parental battles) doesn’t necessarily mean her story has layers and Jack’s does not. They are entirely different but sometimes interconnected in a way that adds to both of their arcs, like Mary taking Jack on as an adoptive son which gives her the moments of parenting she lost with Sam and Dean, and Jack having Mary as a parental figure who understands and supports him gives him that sense of belonging he had just been struggling with to the point of running away while he is also given the chance to show “even monsters can do good”. 

I’d also argue that Jack being many ages at once isn’t poor writing so much as a metaphor for how, even if you’re forced to grow up fast, that doesn’t mean you’re a fully equipped adult. I don’t want to speak for anyone else, but I believe Jack simultaneously taking a lot of responsibility and constantly trying to prove to others he’s useful while having childish moments is relatable to some who were forced to play an adult role at a young age. He proves a number of times that he doesn’t need everyone to take care of him, but he also has limited life experience and, as such, will make some mistakes while he’s also being a valuable member of the group. Jack constantly exists on a fine line in multiple respects. Some may see that as a writing flaw but it is who the character was conceived to be: the balance between nature or nurture, between good and evil, between savior and devil. 

Now, I was also frustrated Mary was “fridged” for a second time. It really provided no other purpose than to give the brothers more man pain to further the plot along. However, this can exist while also acknowledging that the way it happened and the subsequent fallout for Jack was also unnecessary and a sign of blatant hypocrisy from Dean, primarily, and Sam. 

And, yes, Jack can be different things at once because, I mean, can’t we all? If Mary can be both the perfect mother and the flawed, independent, distant parent, can’t Jack be the sweet kid who helps his father-figures process their own feelings on fatherhood while also being a lost young-adult forcing them to face their failures? Both characters contain multitudes because, I mean, we all do. 

I can provide articles or posts on Jack’s characterization and popularity along with Mary’s if needed, but for now I think this is a long enough ramble on my thoughts and feelings. I’m happy to discuss more, my messenger is always open for (polite) discussion. Until then, I’m going to leave it at we maybe agree to disagree. 

[transmascore]

(cat guy here) thanks!! so like i said i'm starting T soon, but i already know i don't want to be on it forever. it's gonna suck to lose some of the changes but i can live with it, as long as my voice drops and stays that way. same for my face/body weight distribution. i just don't feel comfortable with the idea of having to rely on something medical for that long, you know? it scares me. anyway. my question is: what can i expect once i go off T for good? thank you and have a nice day!!

Yeah, that's understandable. In my case, I decided to stop T for a variety of reasons. Mostly, I felt that, after being on it for 4 years, I had already gotten everything I wanted out of HRT and that it would be unnecessary to keep injecting it. The only reason I was still using it was to stop my period, but I reasoned that it made more sense to either tolerate it or to look into birth control to regulate it, rather than relying on testosterone. Especially because I still have functioning ovaries that produce estrogen, so I don’t need synthetic hormones to be healthy.

Information about the changes I noticed are below. Some of the info is a bit TMI but i’d rather be thorough than leave out potentially helpful info. Also! I highly encourage anyone else who has stopped T to add their input. Whether they experienced the same things I did, or if they experienced something else entirely.

(TW: genital mention, menstruation mention, brief misgendering mention)

4 years on T, 2 years off of T (so far).

things that changed:

my facial hair grows back a little slower after I shave

rounding of the face and body (i.e. reversal of weight distribution)

clearer skin (i've had a lot less acne)

i cry more often

my period returned

decrease in libido

reversal of vaginal atrophy/dryness

loss of muscle definition. the most obvious example being that it became more difficult to open jars

my cholesterol and blood pressure went down - they were somewhat high previously

bit of a weird one, but I’ve never seen another person talk about this. ever. for the first few months after stopping T, I had erectile dysfunction. (i haven’t had any kind of bottom surgery; i’m talking about bottom growth from T.) I didn’t even know that could happen to transmascs - but tdicks are essentially penises, so that makes sense. the problem went away on its own as my hormones rebalanced themselves, but that was still a scary period of time. especially because I couldn’t find any information about it. i’ve known other transmascs who stopped T without experiencing that issue, so it may be a rare side effect.

while i’m talking about bottom growth, I did lose a tiny amount of length, but nothing too noticable. there’s still a tdick there and it functions more-or-less the way it did before. it is also more sensitive now.

things that stayed the same:

my voice

my ability to grow facial hair and body hair

my adams apple

my chest (i’m just as flat as I was after I had top surgery)

my gender identity

my orientation

my ability to “pass” (strangers assume i’m a man most of the time, although I do get misgendered occasionally.)

tl;dr:

the most notable differences I noticed, when stopping T, were weight distribution and some genital/reproductive-related changes. everything else is pretty much the same. i still have a deep voice, i still get pretty hairy if I forget to shave, and I’m still read as a guy for the most part.

all of that being said, everyone’s bodies are different. you might not experience these exact changes, and it’s good to ask around to get a variety of answers. stopping T was the right decision for me, but it may not be the right decision for others. also? if you stop T at some point and you find you aren’t doing well, you can always go back on it. find what works best for you personally. 

edit: i was asked to elaborate on erectile dysfunction.

i can understand why it might be confusing, since tdicks are anchored to the body by tendons (unless released by surgery) and don't become horizontally erect in the same way as a cis man's penis - so arousal (and lack-there-of) isn’t as visually clear.

(CW: illustration of genitalia) this art guide, drawn by twitter user sweatbots, showcases the visual differences between a flaccid (soft) and an erect (hard) tdick.

when I describe erectile dysfunction, I mean that my tdick stayed entirely soft, even when i was otherwise aroused. the actual texture was different - it felt squishy, "empty" - for lack of a better word. which makes sense - erectile dysfunction happens in cis men because there is inadequate blood flow to the penis during arousal. there was less blood flow to my tdick, so it wasn’t firming up the way it should have been. stimulation was uncomfortable, and did nothing to increase bloodflow to the area.

thankfully, the problem went away on its own after about 3 months. i’ve yet to hear of this happening to another transmasc, but i know that erectile dysfunction can occur in transfems after taking estrogen. i’m assuming that the same principle applies.

[byulsgrease]

i rlly liked your "what are the chances" fic, and i just want to request something similar with the reader being a "hero" typa concept! Could you write a idol!hwasa x reader, and in there hwasa gets swarmed by paps and starts to struggle or panic, but the reader (who hwasa knows) just happens to be there at right place/time and takes care of her during and afterwards at the comfort of hwasas home?

o thanks anon! what are the chances truly came out of nowhere so it's a relief you enjoyed 🥺 so sorry this took me a while, my brain got a bit stuck at first on where to go with this one but I hope you like it

it's been a long time

(hwasa x gender neutral reader, ~1.3k words)

cw: food mention (are we surprised?)

a/n: the more I write the more I realize how much my own experiences influence my ideas? obviously it makes sense but just interesting that one could probably figure out a good bit about me if they knew where to look

A soft rain falls from the blanket of gray clouds above your head as you exit the 7-11 with a bottle of chilsung cider and a shiny plastic-wrapped inkigayo sandwich, your default lazy day dinner. The hood on your windbreaker comes back up to shield your hair from the rain. You're about to turn on your heel to head home but a swarm of people out of the corner of your eye turns your head toward it.

Squinting, it dawns on you: Oh... it's her.

Ahn Hyejin - or Hwasa, as most of your friends now called her. Weird to see her here, you knew her essentially a lifetime ago. Hyejin and Wheein in middle school were some of the nicest classmates around, despite the fact that they were picked on a ton. But you weren't super popular either so you usually found solace in talking to them, even if just in passing. Sometimes regret crosses your mind during their promotions. Could you have stood up for them back then? But they seem to be doing well, and the past is the past. Mamamoo's doing great. You long ago gave up pursuing music professionally after realizing you didn't have the means, so a hobby it became, but it meant a lot to see how far your fellow classmates had come to make their dreams come true.

The 10 minutes of your own internal existential reckoning really only takes about 10 seconds. You tread closer to the swarm as an endless number of camera shutters simultaneously create a loud flurry of clicks. A cacophony of voices renders you unable to make out whatever they're badgering her about, but she looks visibly agitated. Closer now, she wears that same expression she used to - when people in middle school endlessly mocked her for her body or not looking "Korean enough". That feeling of a lump in your throat where your words get caught and you can't tell whether a cry or yell will emerge when your mouth opens. Maybe she's changed less than I thought. Well, time to stand up to all those people I never did back when we were kids.

"Hyejin!" you whisper-yell. By some miracle your voice cuts through the noise as her head whips around to face you. You falter a bit when confusion leaps to her face - her not remembering your face didn't exactly cross your mind before approaching her. But desperation wins out as she takes your outstretched hand, mind racing, and bolts out from the crowd of cameras. There'll probably be a Dispatch article about this later.

With no bulky camera gear or bag to speak of, losing the crowd proves to be surprisingly easy. Slowing to a stop, you pause to take down your hood and unzip your jacket, an uncomfortable sweat forming on your back from the exertion. I should really start exercising again.

"Sorry," you nearly pant, a bit winded. "I'm not even sure if you remember wh—"

"Wait, I do!" she exclaims incredulously. "Holy crap, how long has it been?"

"A looong time. Sorry for sneaking up on you like that, but you wanted to get out of there, right?"

The hand not holding her purse runs itself through her hair as she sighs. "Yeah, absolutely. People think artists are perfect and will answer any call of the press on a whim, so this happens a lot more than I'd like it to. It’s just one of those days."

“I’m sure,” You're shifting weight from one foot to the other, unsure of what to do or say. It's a stretch to even claim to know her. "Um... were you headed somewhere? I could walk you, if you want— but no pressure!" Please. Get a hold of yourself.

The corner of her mouth turns up and she turns the proposition over in her head for maybe 2 seconds. "Sure, you can walk me home. I'll be more ready to run this time if they come back for us."

"This'll probably turn into a bigger story than whatever they were pestering you about, won't it...?" your tone apologetic.

She waves you off reassuringly. "Yeah, but that's tomorrow. Point is you got me out of there today, on a day where I didn't want to do... all that," her hand waving in the general direction from which you came. "Let's go."

~~~~~

It took everything in you to not say anything weird about how her place in real life looked so much like it did on I Live Alone. Can't be out here admitting I'm a fan.

She dropped her bag in the doorway and took a seat on the floor in front of her tv, running her hands through hair. Hesitating to follow her lead, a little overwhelmed from taking in her space, you ask, "Did you want some water or a snack?"

"Oh shit, sorry. Terrible host here, I should be asking you that."

The sandwich plastic crinkles in your fidgety hands, realizing you're still clutching it alongside your now luke-warm bottle of chilsung. "Wanna split these? Chilsung might need some ice, though." Your hands raise up the convenience store fare. "And don't worry about it, seriously. Relax - it's not every day you have someone to talk to after an ordeal like that."

"I have my members."

"Right, and where are they right now?" you posed, butt finally finding the floor in a spot next to her as she gets up to grab ice.

"Okay, okay, fine. What've you been up to since middle school anyway? It's obvious that you know what I've been up to - you could've caught some flies in your mouth with how low your jaw dropped when you walked in here," a small chuckle leaving her as you shielded your eyes. Caught.

"Mm, not much. Moved back in with my parents after getting a business degree and I have a typical 9 - 5. Or, well. 9 to 'whenever work is over', so basically never."

Sitting back down beside you and twisting the cap off the chilsung, she tilted her head at you. "Didn't you say back in the day you wanted to be a cellist?"

You sigh, resignation palpable. "Yeah, stupid kid dreams. There was no way I could afford to get through formal training and cross my fingers hoping for someone to give me a chance. You're financially in the red for essentially that entire time - I couldn't do that to my parents. But I'm really glad you and Wheein got to where you wanted to be," your tone brightening before taking a sip,

She smiles close-lipped, pensive. "Middle school feels like forever ago. Couldn't do it without her, that's for sure."

"It was meant to be, that she didn't debut with Moonbyul and all that," not caring anymore about exposing yourself after getting called out. "We've all got our own paths - it's inspiring to see you two walking down it together."

"I think you know full well that it's not quite that simple," she countered, her gaze coming to rest on you. "But, who says you have to stay on the path? RBW has an in-house string department, you know." Your head whips around to stare at her incredulously, blinking. What did she just say?

"You don't mean... um... I only play cello for fun now," excuses pour out but your mind soars at the hypothetical. You could leave business behind and at least be doing something you'd legitimately never tire of, even if the awful work-life balance remains.

She waves you off again. "Oh please. One thing I for sure remember is that you were always too modest for your own good. But I'm serious, if it's what you want." The ballooning feeling in your chest gives way to silent tears of joy streaming down your face.

You blubber, "Yes. Absolutely. Even if it doesn't—" She cuts you off with a hand on your shoulder and a dead-on look in the eye, her other hand already clutching her phone to make the call.

"It will."